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smolcuriouskitten · 2 years

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{OKAY FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO THIS.

✨ Rockelles powers! ✨

To start off, the witches in my universe are not your broom riding/evil cacking norms. Seriously, they will slap you if you call them that. Take what you know about witches and leave them at the door because I am about to blow your mind.

Where do witches get their power sources from?

Witches get their power sources from auras. What are auras? They are like a sun about the size of a tennis ball. They have colors that correspond with their hair colors, most of them candy colors. Orange, purple, pink, etc. They are born with them and it powers everything from their immortality to their magic.

How does their magic work? Like do they get it from spells or potions?

So witches powers come from spells that they learn as children on Nekoian. In Rockelles case, she wasnt able to have the normal witch school setting, so her brother/mother had to act as teachers for spells. Christopher saved alot of the books he recieved from his nekoian studies, so he passed those onto Rockelle and Renelle while they were kids and they expanded on the knowledge. The spell books did have potions, which are stronger versions of pre-existing spells such as healing, reviving, or even attacks. To answer the question, it comes from both.

Give me an idea of Rockelles general abilities as a witch.

Rockelle can use her magic to produce music without instruments since it is a part of her main skill set, manipulate soundwaves and manipulate her voice to sound like anyone she wants. These are skill sets of a musical witch and that is what she specializes in. The other abilities include...

-floating objects up to the size of her body weight.

-changing clothes/hair in a split second with a snap of her finger.

-'walking' on it to reach top shelfs.

-astral projection (aka being able to monitor a space without being present physically.)

-being able to communicate through her aura. (in humans it comes as a voice in their head.)

-Linking herself to humans (see this post)

-voice replication (if she hears a voice, she can replicate it to a T.)

-teleportation within the country she is in.

-shapeshifting into people or her kitty form. (she can replicate the person to a T but her height and size stays the same, so she doesnt use this much.)

-healing properties (on herself or on others. on humans she can touch the injured body part and heal it or give them a healing potion.)

-resurrection (only if the person is recently deceased. she cant revive a person whose been dead for a month, year, etc etc.)

-building and creating objects out of nothing. (if she can visualize it in her mind, she can make it happen.)

-among many many more.

Rockelles eye color change alot in threads. Do the colors have meaning?

Yes they do have meaning! Brown is her normal/default eye color which means that shes calm OR using her magic to keep them that color if shes in a situation where shes around people. Green means shes horny. Blue means shes sad. Red is anger. Purple means shes happy.

How does she use her magic for attacks?

HHHHHH- listen Im not good with describing the combat side of things but I will try my best.

-shocking a person, level of shock can go from a tranqualizer to a lighting bolt.

-picking up and throwing a person.

-blasting a person with magic (imagine a little ball or a kamehameha.)

AMONG OTHERS LISTEN I DONT DO COMBAT RPS SO IT WILL COME UP IN THREADS IM SORRY-

You mention her magic is based on emotion. How does that work?

Okay so in short, the more distressed she is, the more fatal her magic is. When she has a level head and she can increase or decrease the power as needed, shes calm or in a stable headspace. If shes scared, angry, or extremely distressed, her magic becomes unstable. Imagine her attempting to lift a glass cup. When shes calm, she can move the cup around and do little tricks with it using her magic. If shes angry, she could break the glass or it would pick up another object.

Rockelle will tell your muse if shes angry to stay away for good reason. She could shock your muse (about the level of when you rub your feet against the carpet and get shocked.) and it wouldnt be her intention. Her magic can be harmful if it becomes too unstable.

Speaking of unstable...What are her forms? Does she have any?

Rockelle has 3 forms.

-One. Her default form which is the one you see using the face India Love. Nothing weird about this form besides her neko ears and tail.

-Two. Roxie is a corrupt/opposite form of Rockelle. Despite them having different personalities and beliefs, Roxie is an extension of Rockelle rather she likes it or not.

-Three. They dont have a name but its her horror form. Shes no longer the small loving woman you know, shes not herself anymore. A 6ft black figure with a melting face and her hair drags behind her. This form is dangerous and if you were the cause of why she went this way...you will die. (see this post.)

Her neko ears and tail....are they just on her all the time?

Yes and no. Yes since she cant take them on and off at will SOOOOO she has a spell to hide them when shes in public. The spell is automatic, so once she reaches the threshold of her home, they pop back on her head. Her tail is hidden the same way as her ears.

So auras...are they endless amounts of power?

No. Auras like many things, run out after too much use. The simplest way to explain it is to think of a phone battery. When you use it, the battery decreases over time until it dies if you dont get to a charger. Except when the aura burns out, the witch dies immediately.

Auras can regenerate over time but you have to make sure they are supervised. Think of spells as a number system. Some spells use more of your aura, others use less. A witch knows their limit and how far they can go with their spell count IF they are in tune with their magic.

Do witches have any weaknesses or flaws?

They do! Iron is the main thing to weaken them thats easily accessible. There are more weapons that can be used to harm witches such as a witches trap BUT most of them were destoryed on Nekoian. The only known thing to for sure weaken a witch would be to rip their aura out of their bodies or use magic reducing handcuffs (rockelle is the only person who has them and they are well hidden in her home.)

You mentioned immortality...How does it work for witches?

Immortality comes from their auras. It keeps them alive and young. Dont get me wrong, witches can still feel and experience pain. If you stab them, they bleed. If you punch them, they feel it. The difference is that it heals after a few moments. This could be a few minutes or even a few hours depending on how distressed the witch is. They stop aging once they hit the range of 23-27 and the immortality fully kicks in.

Any side effects to their magical abilities?

Oh god where do I begin? Headaches, migraines, nausea, etc. Using Rockelle as an example, she suffers from terrible migranes and her body is always sore. The body being stuck in one age can be less than pleasant, anything from random parts of your body giving out, sharp pains in limbs, or your vision fading over time.

Magic malfunctions as well, the aura, while it powers witches, it can go haywire sometimes. Sometimes its something as small as them not being able to talk to something as big as having another limb, changing genders, being stuck inbetween forms, the possibilities are endless. The aura does have a mind of its own and it raises hell for the witch.

At the end of the day, witches present as human and of course human bodies and tiny ball of fire in their bodies dont mix.

Do witches require humans in any part of their magic?

Short answer no. Long answer, humans were not in mind when Nekoian was existing so none of the spells require humans for anything. There werent any humans on Nekoian so it wouldnt have benefited them.

HOWEVER a dark witch (corrupt side witches mainly) do use humans as an ingredient for most spells. Since they are opposites of the main witch group, they go against the grain, hence why they need to be locked away or hunted.

Whats Nekoian and how is that relevant to witches?

Nekoian is the planet that Rockelle and her siblings are from. It was destoryed 100s of years ago by a enemy planet Derion.

#lovely kitten {character info}#lovely kitten; {character info}#{if i think of more i will add more but this is a fleshed out explaination of rockys witchy abilities!}

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tears-of-boredom · 2 years

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My kind-of-therapist can be so annoying like I know that I'm beating myself up for no reason, I know that, but while there isn't any evidence to suggest I suck, there isn't anything to suggest I don't suck either. I know very clearly objectively that a classmate of mine at least had a crush on me. But when you think about it...if it was a prank, per say, it would be a pretty funny one, wouldn't it? Yes, maybe a bit cruel, but I did get immideatly addicted to the slightest bit of attention I got, and isn't it kind of funny in a sadistic way to watch someone absolutely deteriorate because you simply didn't interact with them? Isn't it really enjoyable to see that you can control someone's feelings that easily?

#anyways i cut my hair in the middle of that and a few days later he just stopped coming to school...not saying they are related...but #my cut was pretty bad..#then i eventually kind of actually got worried cuz he didnt even show up on the last day of school..#and when i personally wasnt going to school...i was not in a good headspace..#not saying that im in one right now. but at least im more self aware now..#also relating to the original topic. im pretty sure he found my ring i lost and just didnt give it back?#i mean. my evidence wouldnt hold up in court. but this is another thing i just know factually to be like 90% propable..#the 10% doubt comes from the fact that. i myself. would never keep a found item if i knew. that the owner lost it. and who the owner is..#ive kept a lot of pencils ive found in the halls. but i dont think those are the kinds of things a person particularly misses..#lol sorry for ranting in the tags again..#also ''the boys'' of my class find being sexist. racist. homophobic AND transphobic. very funny..#so its not like this joke would be way out of left field for them..

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mental-health-advice · 3 years

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MASSIVE CW ABOUT SU*CIDE

I have a friend of 6 years. I love her dearly to pieces. she helped me through my high school depression saved me from committing suicide. because of covid i came back to my childhood town, and i was going to leave back to my city in may but something happened. recently she came to me saying she was suicidal. this broke my heart but i began to try my best to help, i called her everyday, tried to make her laugh, made her food, made sure she was drinking water, i hung out with her a few times & i began to see the light in her eyes a little bit. every time we hung out i would go home & cry because i have a deep rooted fear of death related to my ptsd so i was freaking out in the inside i was trying to be strong for her. trying to be her light but behind closed doors i was broken because these aren’t things i could magically fix for her. a week later we plan a picnic on a very emotional anniversary of mine to help me cope but it was a way of me making sure she ate too. point being is that i was already emotional the day, i know in no way was this an excuse but she started talking about how she felt. i panicked i had a full blown panic attack thinking about her dead. she asked me what was wrong & i blew up. i was holding her hand begging her to fight this, begging her to get therapy (she said she doesn’t like that it’s in person i said it doesn’t matter she needs to try) it all came out of my mouth, i regretted it as soon as it came out. i said that if she doesn’t want to fight for herself she could fight for me. i would miss her too much, i’m fighting for her. if she were to i will never forgive her. i told her if she was a ghost she would see how much it would affect me and the many people who love her so dearly . i told her the day she dies i die too a part of me does, i said weren’t you the one who said you’d tell me that i’m beautiful to the day we die & that’s not any time soon? i said i didnt mind taking care of her i would do anything to help and i’m trying my best to help but i can’t pretend i’m okay. i held her hand so tightly and said i was trying to push strength into her. i told her she needed to tell me when she got to that low point because i would come running to her door, i told her i don’t care i’ll listen to everything thats on her mind. i begged her to tell me what she wanted and she said everything i’m doing was more than enough. she proceeds to tell me im the only one who knows. i hugged her and kissed her and left home. she tells me everything i give her aka love and attention is everything she doesn’t want she just wants to be alone. i profusely apologized about my breakdown and said i was being selfish and dismissive and self centered. i just thought maybe if she knew my side she’d want to fight extra hard or something? my friend said that it’s things people need to hear that they’re not alone. so i haven’t talked to her in a month. in the past month i have experienced the worst pain of my life so far i have gone to hell and i have not came back. i’m so angry at myself, my body is a wreck i haven’t taken my meds as a self punishment ive lost 7 pounds because i haven’t ate becaus i throw everything up. i’m so guilty and i feel so selfish even though 7 people (including one who lost a brother to suicide) agree with me that i didnt do anything inherently awful. i don’t know why she expected me to be cool with this. to fold my hands and be like sure how ahead of course not! her and i have always been so involved in each other’s problems so it was expected i wouldn’t take it so easy that’s how ive always been so hand on with helping and providing support. i feel like in that moment i know i wasnt providing support. i had one job one job only to listen and even then i fucked up. i know it sounds like i managed go turn a situation to be about me i’m angry too. been a month ,i messaged her apologizing begging her to say something anything i’ll do anything to make it up to her i promised i would never flip out again. nothing. am i fucked? what should i do next? what woukd you do in my situation. thank you sm

Hey there Rose,

It sounds like you did everything you could for your friend from the very beginning. You went out of your way to help support her and continued to do so for as long as you possibly could!

It’s so hard when we are helping to support a friend through suicidal thoughts/ impulses, it can be so very draining on us and even if we are in a good headspace ourselves at the time. It must also have been triggering for you at times with your past struggles with suicide. I know that you probably felt like you had to really help support your friend as she had for you throughout high school but it’s so important to remember that we as friends can only do so much and even though she was there for you in your time of need, you don’t owe her anything. I know that this may seem harsh but it’s the truth. She was there for you as she was in a place in her life where she felt like she could help to support you. With this being said though, because you are supporting your friend it’s so important that you look after yourself too, that you don’t let her life and struggles with suicide consume you and become the center of your world. I know how easy it is to let this happen too, I’ve done it myself, and hence why I know how important self-care is.

I know that you are upset with yourself for ‘blowing up’ at your friend when you had that picnic with her but it sounds like things just got too much for you and that things were building up inside of you until you exploded, like a volcano. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, you did your very best to hold on for as long as you did and I’m sure your friend was really appreciative of you for that. Going home and feeling so upset and worried for her though is not helpful or healthy at all for you. You need to have other enjoyments in life, other things that you can focus on other than your friend if that makes sense? And I think that this is partly why you reacted as you did when you were at that picnic with your friend, you just couldn’t handle things anymore which is quite understandable I think given how much stress and pressure you were under at the time.

Given everything that happened, I do not think you have messed up at all and that you should give yourself a bit of a break! We are only human after all and like all humans we can only deal with and cope with so much until it all becomes overwhelming and explodes up in our face. Does that makes sense? And I know, I know how much easier it is to say this when you’re on the outside looking in, but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a loving, caring, beautiful person and yes, it hurts that you haven’t heard from your friend for such a long period of time, but maybe this is just what she needs right now?

For example, maybe it’s given her the push she needed to get some professional help and start therapy? Maybe it’s taught her to stand a bit more on her own two feet or helped her to realise that in life it isn’t healthy to just depend on one person when you are struggling so much and so it’s best to surround yourself with a group of people so they can all help you together, share helpful ideas, support one another, things like that. There’s also the possibility that she feels really bad and guilty for all she has put you through and she feels like she needs to give you a break and some time off from the stress and all the pressure that was thrust upon you.

I do not think it is fair on you that she has cut contact and hasn’t replied to you at all but it’s important to know that this is her issue not yours. You have not done anything wrong and only did the very best you could have done given the situation, but please know that you can only help someone so much and sometimes it’s up to the other person (your friend) to let you in and to help themselves a bit too.

So given your situation that you are currently in, I don’t think that there is much you can do right now. I know how hard it is to just sit in limbo with everything but what else can you do until your friend decides on what she needs and contacts you when she’s ready to. So maybe in the meantime be extra kind to yourself, look after you, do some things that you love and enjoy doing and more importantly reach out to people yourself when/ if you feel the need to!

I really do hope that this has helped a bit and please do keep us updated if you want and let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you’re going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #rose #suicidal friend #supporting a friend #picnic #looking after oneself #reaching out for help

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skinks · 4 years

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hey joe feel free to ignore this if it’s too invasive but you mentioned you were a uni dropout? how did you make that decision and how did you deal with the aftermath? (i may be having second thoughts)

nah it’s not too invasive, don’t worry! I think it’s good to talk about it because there’s a lot of negative connotation to dropping out, when often it can be the best decision you can make at the time. It was for me!

I was studying biology, but I knew even before I went to uni that I wasn’t making the right decision. I’d grown to dislike academia and studying towards the end of high school, and it was exacerbated by the fact that I was working on farms outside of school and discovering I liked that type of work a lot more.

I also had severe, untreated depression and anxiety that the university environment compounded until I was basically non-functioning. No social life, no exercise, hated my course, I was nocturnal, suicidal, barely went to class (I actually got a letter telling me I hadn’t met the required minimum attendance to pass my first semester of second year but by that time I’d already decided to quit lmao) and it was getting a diagnosis/put on meds that ultimately made the decision for me. My headspace wasn’t right to get anything productive from uni, so I was wasting my time there.

I was very fortunate in that I’d had a summer farm job between 1st and 2nd year I could go back to, and that my parents were supportive (under the condition I worked), AND that tertiary education is free in Scotland so it wasnt like I was pissing money down the drain. I realise the financial aspect is a big factor for a lot of people. If you’re around the age I was, 18/19, I know the idea of dropping out can feel monumental, like you’re wrecking your entire future or letting people down (especially if you’ve always been one of the “smart ones” or a high achiever), but that’s just not true. You’ll find something else. You can come back to studying later in life, lots of people do. SO many of my high school friend group have decided uni wasn’t the best option for them, and they’re all doing fine!

In terms of aftermath, I just... worked, got NHS therapy, made new friends, travelled. Had a ton of mental health ups and downs, but tbh my job helped me grow as a person until I’m at the stage now, at 26, where I could see myself going back to uni or college soon. It’s not this big daunting NEXT OBLIGATORY STAGE IN LIFE that high school makes uni out to be, it’s just a new, different thing to do.

Only you can make the decision. Obviously I don’t know your situation but I would say it’s probably a good idea to have an alternative lined up before committing to dropping out. But I see now that the opportunities a uni course can afford you deserve nothing but enthusiasm, you have to want to be there and want to learn to make it worthwhile. If you find yourself wishing you were somewhere else, you’re probably not making the most of your course or your own potential!

I hope this helped and wasn’t too preachy 😖😅

#ironically my first attempt left me like I NEVER WANT TO STUDY SCIENCE and now I’m like 👀 sports science???? real shit??? 👀👀👀#adventure performance and coaching??? 👀👀👀 a degree in the science of mountain biking??? 👀👀👀 real shit???👀#either that or like. film school. forestry school. who knows. whatever will make me a helicopter pilot

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liveandlet-liv · 3 years

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i quit my job

i started my job as a counter manager back in January this year. my counter specifically is actually pretty successful vs the surrounding counters due to the affordability & inclusivity of the brand. i knew going in that people *want* my counter, but i didn't realize that they would literally TRY ME for my counter; specifically one lady, lets name her bethany.

so when i first met bethany, i immediately saw through this persona she was trying to put on. my intuition was just ringing alarms that she is not really as sweet and supportive as she claims to be. having that feeling made me keep her at a distance, but i was still always nice to her and included her in things. some time goes on and she's starting to become a little colder, ignoring and avoiding me, then comes our argument.

i was wrapping up an event that just finished, i had boxes everywhere, my station looked hectic, i was going to be off the next two days and then my manager told me corporate was coming and another event was launching the next day. my first priority as a manager is setting up my team for success, so that's what i started to do. of course i was ringing up customers and helping them out in between, but i was also trying my best to clean and get things set up since i was going to be off. the counter next to me didn't have any workers and there were some customers lining up and I asked... nicole (works under need bethany) to help them out, as i was literally in the midst of carrying a heavy box, and she gladly did so. however, bethany had a problem with this.

you see bethany waited until after i took my box to my stock room to aggressively and rhetorically ask me if i was are that nicole worked for her and not that other counter.... And then proceed to tell me that I should be helping out more at that counter.. Ladies and gentlemen.. Theys and the gays... I HAVE BEEN helping with that other counter, i even pulled up my transaction card and proved it to management, but do you know who hasnt been helping that counter at all?? BETHANY.

after that bethany completely ignored my existence, but i would always make some effort, i would ask her questions about her brand if a customer wanted information, and if i needed to do something i would let her and others know still so my counter would have eyes on it. one time i asked her for a sample of this hand cream for a customer and she told me that i wasnt allowed to use it anymore.. then back peddled because she realized how unprofessional she was being.

so i get COVID shortly after and while i'm away, rumors start spreading about me, literal complete fabricated stories! this just makes me anxious because management would catch wind, which they did and they asked me about them and i honestly don't know what to tell them other than they're complete lies. this lady is like mid-to-late 30's/40s and i am 24 and she is bullying me LMAO like what the hell?

my last straw was when i had returned to work, i was talking to the girls at another counter and i saw a customer browsing my counter. i started walking towards her and when i caught up to her, she was at the next counter over which was a luxe counter. i greeted her and asked if i can help her with anything and she expressed interest in the luxe, not my brand, so i told her that i was going to grab the luxe sales girl for her. literally as i was finishing that sentence, i see bethany look at us and then run to the luxe girl and told her i was stealing a sale.. literally WHY will this lady not mind her own damn business? it's fucking CHILDISH and unprofessional. she's now crossing the threshold of ruining my business relationships, and that just set me over the edge. i will not work in a place with someone acting like an evil puppet master.

look, i'm bipolar 2 and i have to take care of my mental health before anything. that night when i was in bed, i kept waking up and falling back asleep. i would dream violent dreams of beating her ass, i would wake up and be pumped of energy and adrenaline, smoke, and then go back to sleep. this happened for sure 3 times. when i officially woke up and started getting ready for work, i started to realize that i could not go to work because i was still aggressive and last time something like this happened, it was when i was in high school, but did i follow through with my dream and i beat the person up who was upsetting me that much.

i became anxious because even if i give myself time and simmer down, i know i am going to boil over again. i start thinking about just going up to my job and filling out the paperwork to quit; started having persistent thoughts of keying her car. i can't do that, that's not okay to do. so i sit in this anxious yet hypomanic cycle trying to determine what i should do. i want to be a good employee, but i'm also a slave to this mental illness.

i decided the best thing for me would be to stay home because it would not be safe for me at all to go anywhere in that headspace, my mental health matters, and therefore i emailed my store management my resignation.

#personal #blog

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daily-rubbersoul-redux · 4 years

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who hurt you man? Like, mentally, we know who attacked you physically. Did you get bullied? Made fun of? Who are the other people you're trying to prove yourself to? baseball boy?

ok so i know this ask was sent yknow for a character response, but as it’s very hard to write in character for the issue im trying to without making it seem like an outside issue (which it kind of is, but thats not the core of the problem) i’m just gonna explain it here bc it’s something i struggled with alot in late middle school and early highschool.

the real problem is completely self inflicted. not consciously, of course but... its setting unrealistic expectations for yourself, and it can impact people’s mindsets and actions alot, especially if they are suddenly underperforming those expectations due to things out of their control.

(putting then rest under a cut bc it gets kinda personal, and while i know other people have been through much worse it still is something that hurt me for a while)

and sometimes little harmless comments made by friends or parents can make you feel as if you arent good enough, even if there wasnt any malicious intent there. it’s something that hit me especially hard when i transitioned from 8th grade to 9th, as most of my schooling prior to highschool i didnt need to but in much effort to excel. but, from 9th grade onwards i was in what i like to call nerd school (tldr ive been in college since 10th grade, which hasnt really helped the situtation but also has alot? idk man it’s wack). and like.... i wasnt the best anymore, i would get grades lower than some of my friends, but like it was ok i was still getting all a’s. until i got like 3 b’s second semester, and like... i felt like a failure honestly. my mom wasnt mad at me or anything, just kinda disapointed, but I internalized that as me being a failure to her and not good enough. now, my mom isnt very strict about my education. I get away with so much procrastination, its not even funny. really all she cares about is me getting a good education and a good job, since she never was able to get her degree and has stuggled with finding work recently because of that (even though she has nearly 40 years experience, but i digress). but sometimes the comments she made, whether they be about what i wanted to do as a career (which i didnt know at the time) or how i spent my time mostly drawing or gaming, they just... got blown out of proportion in my mind. i felt like i wasnt good enough, like i was worthless, which wasnt fun considering i had just come out of the mental hellscape that was my 8th grade year (tldr i was borderline depressed, had to go to therapy, and lost any and all social skills i had built up my whole life. not fun.). as of now, i realize that setting unrealistic expectations for myself is well.... dumb. but it does happen, and the tiniest things can make it so so much worse.

so yeah, basically tldr: setting unrealistic expectations because of the praise you recive can make you fall into a really bad headspace when you inevitably start underperforming or get outshone, but your mind will always warp it to not be your fault, but the fault of those who make little insignificant comments about your performance. and that is what nathan is struggling with.

#ill tag this if anyone wants me too #the cut should be good enough tho i hope?#[thank you] answers #[behind the screen] mod #i am doing better now tho lol

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illfoandillfie · 4 years

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hi i hope you don’t mind me being nosey but i was wondering if i could ask a few things about u being aro? i kinda just wanted to know how u figured it out? and also do u still get feelings for people but choose not to pursue it? sorry if i’m kinda intruding i don’t mean to, just curious

i dont mind at all darl! (actually...lowkey i love when people are curious about it lmao so feel free to ask more questions) also this is going under a cut cause it got longer than i meant it to lmao

figuring it out wasnt easy and it took a lot of self reflection and like months of questioning and doing research and then worrying i was getting it wrong. Basically i first considered the idea that i could be aro when i was approaching my 25th birthday. A friend of mine (the only guy i’ve had any sort of a fling with) had announced he was engaged and i was completely down on myself wondering why i couldnt get a single date when he was off getting engaged (not that i even Wanted to get married i just would have liked some attention). I figured there had to be something wrong with me or something about me that was broken. And then i saw someone i followed at the time reblog a post about being aro. I’d seen the phrase a little before but never really considered it as fitting me but i’d also never really paid attention to what it actually meant.

I don’t remember what the post was exactly, it’s probably somewhere in the thousands and thousands of posts i’ve liked over the years but there’s no easy way to check so . Whatever it said it felt relatable enough that I went and googled aromanticism to try and figure out what it was and if it fit me. Because I was already in a headspace where I’d been thinking about my lack of a romantic history already, a lot of the stuff that i read had been stuff i’d been thinking about anyway. Like Reader said in Platonic when she was talking about how she figured it out, I’ve never had a proper crush. I spent months thinking about it after my friend told me he’d proposed. I have very vivid memories of literally deciding to have a crush on a boy in primary school because it seemed like i should (again, i included that directly in Platonic lmao down to the boys name and everything). And every guy I’ve had an interest in since has been either a brief physical attraction that i forgot about as soon as I wasn’t seeing him regularly or something that I deliberately manufactured either in an attempt to fit in with the people around me or because i was kind of bored. Even the cute music teacher at work last year like he was hot and i wouldnt have said no to a kiss or whatever but i just didn’t have any feelings about him beyond that.

While I was trying to figure out if I was aro I read a lot of websites. The AVENwiki has a page on aromanticism and I think also has pages on some of the aro-spec identities like greyromantic and demiromantic so that was a good starting point for definitions. Google also gave me a few different forums and stuff where aro people were talking about being aro. A lot of aromantic resources are tied up in the asexual community though because that’s where the language and everything was first suggested and what it evolved from. I don’t think that necessarily helped me feel comfortable using the term aro to describe myself because i’m pretty confident i’m not ace but the more I looked into it the more stuff I found from people who were allosexual but aromantic. Anyway, I spent weeks just googling “aromantic” and seeing what came up and rereading what i’d already read and resisting the fact that a lot of it fit me. Then I spent a while trying to find like a quiz or something that would just give me an answer. I found a few quizzes but all of them assumed at least one previous relationship so none of them were any use to me. But gradually I started feeling okay with calling myself aro. I think part of my hesitation was probably also because knowing I was aro didn’t feel like a solution it just felt my damage had a name. The other part is that romantic attraction is not easy to define which makes it hard to identify if you feel it or not so the part of me that wanted to be Normal kept being like ‘well if you dont know you cant call yourself aro’. But I thought about it a lot and I read any aro related post that crossed by dash and then ventured into the tumblr tag and found some helpful discussion stuff in there and then I started calling myself aro just quietly, only in my own head. It took a long time before I felt okay admitting that I was aro on my own blog but obviously i got there in the end lmao. That friend, the one who got engaged, he’s the only person i’ve told irl though.

as to your second question....

I don’t think I feel romantic attraction. Truthfully, as i said before, it’s hard to know for certain and there is a possibility that i could form a romantic attraction to someone one day but i think it’s very unlikely. Other forms of attraction are different though. I can be attracted to people physically and sexually. And I think I could possibly be attracted to people in a platonic “man i’d really like to be their friend” kind of way though it doesnt come up very much because im not really one to like meet people. I like my own company.

But i’ve never really acted on any sort of attraction or feelings for others. I was definitely attracted to CMT but I never acted on it because it seemed like too much work. The was a guy who worked at a pop culture collectables shop a few years ago who i thought was very cute and I did contemplate asking him out but it just never felt like a real option and I sort of just ignored it until he left the job. So yeah I guess I do get some sorts of feelings and then choose not to do anything with them, but they aren’t romantic feelings. But like right now I’ve got no interest in anyone (apart from ben and roger but i guess they dont really count lmao). None of the teachers at work interest me and i havent met anyone else recently and it really isnt bothering me. Theres a guy in IT who i could possibly see myself fawning over a bit cause he’s handsome and has an unusual accent but he’s got the same name as my brother so i’ve already ruled him out as a no go lmao.

Anyway, hopefully that answered your questions! If there’s anything else you want to know or you’d like me to try and explain something more fully my inbox is always open!

#Anonymous #about me

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therappundit · 5 years

Text

***The Best Rap Songs of 2019 - A Pundit PlayLi$t***

THE YEAR IS 2019.

The rap music genre has splintered multiple times into sub-sub genres, and the line between what is considered “real” hip-hop and what is considered 🗑️ begins to grow sharper and sharper. Hate grows on both sides, as heads - both old and new - collide over which rap songs should be considered worthy of praise, and which ones may be merely capitalizing on the social media trends of the day...

Enter THE Rap Pundit, a purist that is open to all lanes of rap music - provided those lanes are well represented with quality. That Pundit is me.

This year was harder than most because it was a mix of so many different impressive styles...with the exception of mainstream rap music. No Drake, no Kendrick, no Hov or Nas on the list this year, but what you will find are a ton of talented young artists inspired by them, and many other first ballot rap hall of famers. So while the mainstream waned, the underground absolutely feasted in 2019.

Here is the criteria I tried to use for this year’s rankings:

the song had to be in my regular rotation by 12/20/2019 (otherwise, I simply could not have had the time to truly experience it)

I aimed my rankings with the following prioritization in mind: 75% of my decision based on personal favoritism, 20% based on overall quality within the sub-genre regardless of whether or not I listen to it regularly (is it a vapid strip club joint? Then be the best strip club joint you can be!), and 5% based on overall impact (YES, how often a song comes up in conversation with my fellow peers does make a difference - welcome to the culture)

believe it or not, there was an honest attempt at making the most diverse list possible (because in reality if this list was just personal favorites, then the whole list would consist of Griselda, Roc, Mach, Mutant Academy & other underground all-stars from all over the east coast...but seriously, the underground straight massacred the mainstream biz this year)

Again, I have 200+ additional songs I love that I could easily have added on top of this one, but I think this list is plenty long enough as it is, am I right?

Enjoy...because I know I certainly have enjoyed listening to this unparalleled lengthy scroll of dope rap songs that dropped in 2019. 🙏

1. “Palmolive” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Pusha T & Killer Mike

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSn_r2w-idg

(A terrific verse from Freddie, a great hook from Killer Mike, and a verse of the year calibre contribution from Pusha T, all over a soulful Madlib back-drop?? Yikes. Freddie Gibbs & Madlib made all rap fans very proud in 2019.)

2. “Ricky” - Denzel Curry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WHm6tfvKlk

(As soon as you press play, you can feel the humidity coming off of this song as if we were in the crowd with Curry down in Florida. Denzel delivered a wonderful homage to his father, and to the Carol City of which he hails.)

3. “Crown For Kings” - Benny feat. Black Thought

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtTu_TC3f6A

(Black Thought and Griselda?? Bars on top of bars on top of bars…two verse of the year contenders, easily.)

4. “Glorious” - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

https://soundcloud.com/skyzoomusic/glorious?in=skyzoomusic/sets/retropolitan-1

(Want to hear an impressive way to kick off a great album? Look no further than Sky’s scathingly hot verse on “Glorious”, a track that lives up to its’ name.)

5. “I.G.W.T.” - Roc Marciano

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bz5W9LztqZs

(The instrumental alone makes for a quintessential Roc Marci soundtrack, an early standout off of Marcielago. That first beat is magical.)

6. “Crime Pays” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/crime-pays?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(So quintessential to Bandana’s vibe this thing feels like it has a pulse. I was listening to this on my walk home the other day and it put me in such a breezy headspace...I can’t even describe it any other way than simply saying it’s another classic Madlib production.)

7. “5 to 50” - Benny feat. India

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQGRPxrHtjI

(Captivating. Benny and The Alchemist join forces to concoct a song so real it makes 90% of drug dealer talk in rap music sound phony.)

8. “Thank God” - Tree

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/thank-god?in=mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

(Tree’s We Grown Now is such a great album. This song perfectly captures the gifts of the legendary Chicago MC, who I consider one of the genre’s unsung special talents. It’s worth a New Year’s Resolution to get familiar with Tree’s catalogue.)

9. “Funeral March (The Dirge)” - Your Old Droog feat. Mach-Hommy

https://soundcloud.com/your-old-droog/funeral-march-the-dirge-feat?in=your-old-droog/sets/it-wasnt-even-close-1

(One of the hardest sounding songs in recent memory. I can hear these two do this all day, a great example of the tremendous work both artists put into 2019.)

10. “Freestyle Shit” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/freestyle-s-t?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(Pffffew, that Gibbs delivery….right from the get-go with the album’s first song, it’s so clear that Bandana is a special project.)

11. “Ephesians” - Roc Marciano feat. Ka

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pWWHYd_SBI

(METAL CLERGY RAP.....if I need to say anymore about this joint, than you and I simply don’t roll in the same rap circles.)

12. “It’s All Good” - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

https://soundcloud.com/skyzoomusic/its-all-good?in=skyzoomusic/sets/retropolitan-1

(The gorgeous first single off Retropolitan feels like liquid nostalgia and summers in NYC, without sounding the least bit dated.)

13. “Situations” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/situations?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(One of Bandana’s more minimalistic instrumentals, and it takes off thanks to the jet pack provided by Gibbs and his sensational performance on this one.)

14. “There U R” - Tree

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/there-u-r?in=mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

(Give this man his flowers now. There are a lot of talented artists in rap music, but none tackle a song like an old Blues man…none except Tree, that is.)

15. “Pete’s Sake” - Conway & Benny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njNKcQx7NSA

(Quite simply one of the most raw beats I have heard in some time. And my favorite Conway verse of 2019.)

16. “Massage Seats” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/massage-seats?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(Smooth as Helllll. “This ain’t for soccer mamas this is for the underground” is right.)

17. “Flights” - Tree

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/flights?in=mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

(Tree kills it with the autobiographical joints, and this soulful walk down memory lane is as enthralling as an audio diary.)

18. “Dr. Bird’s” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny (Griselda)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sc3WbLz2IY

(It’s no secret that Griselda Records had a sensational 2019, and no posse cut personifies that better than “Bird’s”.)

19. “Cokewhite” - Goldlink feat. Pusha T

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zCGiHhTxMM

(Another spotlight stealing verse from Pusha Ton, who in limited work, managed to appear everywhere this year in music.)

20. “Funeral” - Tree & Parallel Thought

https://parallelthought1.bandcamp.com/track/funeral

(I hope with all of my heart that songs like this aren’t part of Tree’s process of letting go of the music biz, but even if it is, what a beautiful way to go out.)

21. “Bandana” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Assassin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWCciqqzno4

(While it may not have made the final cut of the Bandana album that shares its’ name, this reggae-tinged, Madlib blessed riot starter has been one of my favorite songs of the year since it dropped and it keeps feeling better to me.)

22. “Homegrown” - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

https://soundcloud.com/skyzoomusic/homegrown?in=skyzoomusic/sets/retropolitan-1

(Another incredibly soulful standout from Retropolitan. When Skyzoo & Pete Rock are performing at the top of their game, both are as potent as it gets within their respective lanes.)

23. “El Toro Combo Meal” - Earl Sweatshirt feat. Mavi

https://soundcloud.com/earlxsweatshirtmusic/el-toro-combo-meal-feat-mavi-prod-by-ovrkast?in=earlxsweatshirtmusic/sets/feet-of-clay

(Two MCs vying for the lo-fi crown are Earl Sweatshirt and Mavi. It is beginning to get confusing to figure out who is the student and who is the teacher here, but regardless, both talented artists flashed a ton of skill in 2019.)

24. “To Whom It May Concern” - Jim Jones feat. Cam'ron, Guordan Banks, Benny The Butcher and Conway

https://soundcloud.com/jim-jones-capo/to-whom-it-may-concern-feat-camron-guordon-banks-benny-the-butcher-conway-the-machine?in=jim-jones-capo/sets/el-capo

(A Dipset and Griselda collaboration is enough to make someone like me get emotional…anyone have a tissue, this Benny-Cam’ron-Conway back to back series is too much to handle!?)

25. “Under The Sun” - J. Cole, Lute & DaBaby (and Kendrick Lamar?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUUuI--jAlM

(The best song off of Dreamville’s Revenge of the Dreamers 3 is the first track. It’s just a straightforward soul loop, but Cole and Lute really shine...but then DaBaby comes through to shine hard enough to blind the first two verses.)

26. “Sunday School” - Benny feat. 38 Spesh & Jadakiss

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ero1Xexyhs

(Spesh really killed this great cut off of Benny’s The Plugs I Met, but all three really did their thing.)

27. “Dominate” - DJ Muggs & Eto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxjTKqpMHIE

(Straight menace music. Muggs & Eto would have made Mobb Deep proud with “Dominate”…especially Muggs, this beat is brutal!)

28. “Lucha Bros.” - Westside Gunn feat. Curren$y & Benny

https://soundcloud.com/westsidegunn/lucha-bros-feat-curreny-benny?in=westsidegunn/sets/hitler-wears-hermes-7

(Another crazy banger from Griselda, off of Westside’s fantastic Hitler Wears Hermes 7. Don’t let the smooth vibe force you to overlook the bar-fest on this one.)

29. “Obamacare” - Quelle Chris

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-F19d5PcJY

(Another year, another thought provoking Quelle Chris project. He seems to be getting better with age, is that possible?)

30. “Big Uzi Vert” - Fly Anakin & Big Kahuna OG

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CxWj6g0DnU

(As with 2018, some of the best rap songs of the year are collaborations from the mighty Mutant Academy. Virginia’s Fly Anakin and Big Kahuna OG both clocked in ready to work in 2019, and they have stacks of great joints to prove it. Anakin’s “I’m from the projects, I don’t skateboard” helped this one push to the front of the Mutant pack.)

31. “Daylight Savings” - Mavi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZTI9YkK_1w

(Mavi really captured the attention of fans and critics alike with Let The Sun Talk. His flow on “Daylight” proves that Mavi is so much more than the copycats you may stumble across on Soundcloud these days.)

32. “Chasing Ghosts” - Your Old Droog feat. Roc Marciano

https://soundcloud.com/your-old-droog/chasing-ghosts-feat-roc?in=your-old-droog/sets/it-wasnt-even-close-1

(What a great example of why these two are so good at what they do. Eerie underground hip-hop at its’ finest - and Roc’s best guest verse of the year.)

33. “Cubicle” - Buddy feat. 03 Greedo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZ9Yw7i_Fo8

(What a slept-on smash from Buddy and 03 Greedo. Both artists do the West Coast proud with one of my favorite cuts off of the deluxe edition of Harlan & Alondra.)

34. “Education” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Yasiin Bey & Black Thought

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/education-feat-yasiin-bey?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(As if that line-up isn’t enough to make any hip-hop head salivate, it’s even more impressive that the final product manages to meet expectations.)

35. “Wild Minks” - Quelle Chris feat. Mach-Hommy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dQmPX1C0Vk

(Quelle and Mach make beautiful music together, and they don’t come much more beautiful than this one.)

36. “IMG” - Nolan The Ninja

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vNvRLIQHVs

(Nolan has blessed us with a number of great songs in 2019, but I think this one epitomizes just how much he has progressed as a rap artist.)

37. “Splinters” - Fly Anakin & Tuamie feat. ANKHLEJOHN & Al.Divino

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWORdUQAEcc

(Just a chilling collaboration from some of the best artists that underground hip-hop has to offer, that’s all.)

38. “Spider Hole” - Billy Woods & Kenny Segal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1WBEi5LlkI

(Beautifully bleak music from Billy Woods and Kenny Segal, who demonstrate brilliant chemistry throughout Hiding Places.)

39. “Deadass” - Kemba

https://soundcloud.com/kembaland/deadass-2

(Unfortunately, in any other era this could have been a hit rap song. But fortunately, in this era it can be praised as one of the best underground smashes of the year from a very good album. Keep an eye on Kemba...)

40. “Dynasties” - Tedy Andreas

https://soundcloud.com/tedyandreas/dynasties-prod-graphwize

(Dope beat, dope MC and a killer hook. I can’t be the only longterm fan that Tedy earned with this one.)

41. “OD” - Earl Sweatshirt

https://soundcloud.com/earlxsweatshirtmusic/od-1

(Say what you want about the length of Earl’s songs, but he can accomplish more with a minute and a half on a record than most rappers can with an hour.)

42. “Still” - Maxo Kream

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3Tza0cGrQk

(Maxo may have just dropped the best project of his career, and this woozy thumper is one of his hardest tracks yet.)

43. “18 Wheeler” - Benny feat. Pusha T

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdZC8uBwJ4Q&list=PLVipAi3U-JouPCQvz3KoH2B1VAKAZc7m4&index=6

(At this point, what else needs to be said about the potency of these two rap-writers? Calling it “coke rap” wouldn’t even begin to explain how good these two are when it comes to the art of rapping.)

44. “ZUU” - Denzel Curry

https://soundcloud.com/denzelcurryph/zuu?in=denzelcurryph/sets/zuu-3

(A rousing intro to what I would consider the best “mainstream” rap album of 2019.)

45. “Flat Tummy Tea” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/flat-tummy-tea

(I liked it when it first dropped, love it even more now. Freddie straight MURDERS this one...)

46. “Broke Bitch Dreams” - ShooterGang Kony

https://soundcloud.com/shootergangkony/broke-bitch-dreams

(I knew nothing about ShooterGang Kony at the start of 2019, and I don’t know much more now. But I know that this song has smash written all over it, one of the best ‘cruising with the top down’ joints that I have heard in recent memory. The hook is an ear worm to the point of concern.)

47. “Tito’s Back” - Conway feat. Benny & Westside Gunn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGqViFucmJ8

(Griselda’s top two lyrical assassins doing what they do best, but going back and forth in a manner that not even Styles & Jada could touch.)

48. “Attics” - DJ Muggs & Eto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UmYxcv4YTs

(Sure Muggs & Eto dropped a banger of an album with Hell’s Roof, but “Attics” has the strength to be a career defining track for Eto. This is dark poetry from one of the hungriest parts of upstate NY.)

49. “Under The Train (Transporting)” - Your Old Droog

https://soundcloud.com/your-old-droog/under-the-train-transporting-1

(Droog’s Transportation album may be the perfect traveling companion for moving through the streets of NYC, and this song may be the projects’ crown jewel. This has the feel of a classic New York anthem and I am crazy for it.)

50. “Know The Type” - Lansky Jones feat. CJ Fly & Mr. Muthafuckin’ Exquire

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riRJk2QiROI

(What happens when a collection of some of NYC’s most talented, but least heralded MC’s join forces to deliver what sounds like a classic mid-90′s throwback joint? They create one of the smoothest rap songs of 2019.)

51. “NINA” - Rapsody

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54yOD994ors

(Eve raised Rapsody’s discography to a whole other level. A brilliant, pro-woman battle cry that somehow manages to ether the industry while still radiating positivity, Rap pulled together a beautiful collection of songs with this album - and verse of the year contenders, beginning right here with her opening track, the impressive “NINA”.)

52. “Spongebob” - billy woods + kenny segal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83F4JpVu61k

(Segal’s production is perfect background for woods to go to work. If Hiding Places isn’t in your collection, that must change immediately.)

53. “Cash War” - Gunna

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObdMBhfySMI

(Gunna has had a fantastic year, and this song shows why he is a natural hitmaker. Drip or Drown 2 is one of mainstream rap’s finest records of 2019.)

54. “May Store” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny feat. Keisha Plum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6kMBwNCAyw

(More dazzling lyrical chemistry from Griselda. Damn Benny, why do you have to murk beats like this? Not even fair to other MC’s at this point.)

55. “HolOnHolOn” - Fly Anakin & Tuamie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCbgGn2BXUc&list=PLAfLqY9BQJkyjUuDAEn7cehQ3DZWAZogX&index=4

(Another fantastic track from Mutant Academy. Is it me or does Tuamie channel some Jay Dee-esque vibes with this one?)

56. “Bad Boys” - Pivot Gang (Joseph Chilliams, Saba, MFnMelo) feat. Smino

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCaBVqi4Rag

(This one didn’t blow up - at least not yet - but I have no idea why!? This track, like so much of Pivot Gang’s You Can’t Sit With Us album, is such a fantastic showcase for Chi-town’s deep hip-hop scene.)

57. “Pop Out” - Polo G feat. Lil TJay

https://soundcloud.com/polo-g/polo-g-feat-lil-tjay-pop-out

(HUGE hit, and rightfully so. So much more than a typical baller anthem, the hook - and more specifically, the performance of Polo G - makes “Pop Out” easily one of the best rap songs on mainstream radio in 2019.)

58. “Field Negro” - Royce Da 5′9″

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zK7N63lsoRE

(An unorthodox production anchored by one of the best writers in the history of the genre, that’s all. Royce murders this thing with so many quotables…yet you’re still somehow sleeping on Royce???)

59. “Nobody’s Favorite” - Rick Ross feat. Gunplay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMzfaCskeGo

(At the top of 2019, would I have predicted that Ross and Gunplay would have dropped one of the best rap songs of the year? No. Is “Nobody’s Favorite” a seriously dope rap song? Without question.)

60. “WYRM” - Quelle Chris

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DNS1pXDec0

(Another gorgeous track from a man that low-key has one of the strongest discographies in rap music, Detroit’s Quelle Chris.)

61. “Memorial” - MIKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0czotN8EXQ

(If the lo-fi movement in rap music was a sports team, MIKE deserves to be the team captain. Tears of Joy is an intensely personal album, but amongst the tears there is much to feel joyful about after listening to MIKE’s latest collection of gems.)

62. “4 Clove Club” - Wiki

https://pitchfork.com/levels/wiki-4-clove-club-new-song-listen/

(Few MC’s as unique as Wiki manage to actually create music that is enjoyable to listen to while they are attempting to color outside of conventional lines. Somehow, Wiki seems to get better at this rare skill with every project. An autobiographical album that feels like a disjointed, but musically cohesive diary, what Wiki manages to accomplish with Oofie is wildly impressive.)

63. “PTSD” - Omen, Mereba, Deante' Hitchcock & St. Beauty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWbjiP50Nbg

(One of the most beautiful songs off of ROTD3, but it’s Omen’s verse that tugged most on my heart strings, and snagged a spot on this year’s Best Of list.)

64. “Giannis” - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Anderson .Paak

https://soundcloud.com/gangstagibbs/giannis-feat-anderson-paak?in=gangstagibbs/sets/bandana-16

(One of the funkier standouts from Bandana, and album full of standouts. Paak and Gibbs tap dance all over this one.)

65. “Baby” - Lil Baby & DaBaby [Quality Control]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GbwYFqN1iE

(A collaboration that at one point, most would have joked about off of name alone, the joke is now on the doubters because both of these Babies can really RAP.)

66. “The Old Groove” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny feat. Novel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo-E6Nl-aoE

(Somber - even by Griselda standards - this collaboration off WWCD feels like a victory lap from the best group of gritty MCs since Mobb Deep, Boot Camp, and the Wu Tang Clan.)

67. “The Norm” - Von Pea

https://soundcloud.com/vonpea/08-thenorm

(Von Pea’s City For Sale deserves to be mentioned as another great release in the growing sub-genre that is “rappers warning the rest of the world of the dangers of gentrification”, this record right here captures the message so well and he knocks the production way out the park.)

68. “The Routine” - Wiki

https://soundcloud.com/wikset/10-the-routine

(A bouncy standout from Oofie that has really climbed my own rankings in recent weeks. I love what Wiki was going for with the production aesthetic on this one.)

69. “Playground Bench” - Raz Fresco feat. AZ & BriskInTheHouse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-4wzn2KRVQ

(Bonus points to anyone that caught this joint! A way under the radar AZ feature that warrants more shine. But don’t sleep, Raz Fresco dropped *multiple* dope projects in 2019.)

70. “Smallsteps” - Medhane

https://medhane.bandcamp.com/track/smallsteps

(Another rising star from the depths of the lo-fi underground, Medhane’s Own Pace project is an easy but by no means basic listen from start to finish on the strength of his solid production choices and candor.)

71. “No Love” - Maxo feat. lojii

https://soundcloud.com/rundatbacc/no-love-feat-lojji?in=rundatbacc/sets/lil-big-man-1

(Maxo’s Lil Big Man has made 2019′s ‘Best of’ lists on more than a few sites, and thanks to smooth joints like “No Live” it’s certainly not hard to understand why.)

72. “CLONES” - Tierra Whack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-8qrzg-vgQ

(Walking the fine line between truth and song parody, Tierra may have been imitating her peers with this one, but nevertheless the final result is catchy as hell.)

73. “2/5” - Jay Bel

https://soundcloud.com/groovyxjay/6-2-5-flip-gawd-dre?in=groovyxjay/sets/4wurd-an-anti-gentrification-project

(A lot of folks might not be familiar with Brooklyn’s Jay Bel yet, but that’s going to have to change soon because this kid is too talented to stay under the radar too much longer. 4wurd made for a fantastic introduction.)

74. “Meet Again” - Maxo Kream

https://soundcloud.com/maxo-kream/meet-again

(Another dope Maxo Kream song, another great example of this superb story telling skills.)

75. “Everything” - Little Brother

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krnOMqDjB0k

(A dope Little Brother album in 2019 was not something that anyone had on their itinerary heading into the year. Pooh and Phonte haven’t lost a step, and there are plenty of cuts on May The Lord Watch that feel like classic LB.)

76. “Proceed On” - Fly Anakin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FO2mRZTX8XM

(A slick loosie from one of Mutant Academy’s finest.)

77. “Suge” - DaBaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPpmGHn6gB8

(What DaBaby lacks in depth of content, he makes up for with his recognizable flow and sheer charisma.)

78. “Monica” - Flatbush Zombies feat. Tech N9ne

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0db9NJhVEA

(One of the more recent additions to this list, it has slowly creeped up the charts on my end - and reminded me of how contagious a Flatbush Zombies joint can be.)

79. “NYC” - Jim Jones feat. Fat Joe

https://soundcloud.com/jim-jones-capo/nyc-feat-fat-joe?in=jim-jones-capo/sets/el-capo

(Just one of a cornucopia of classic-sounding Heatmakerz firecrackers off of Jim Jones’ surprisingly potent El Capo.)

80. “Murray’s” - Fly Anakin & Tuamie feat. Skyzoo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYyGTepAhM0&list=PLAfLqY9BQJkyjUuDAEn7cehQ3DZWAZogX&index=8

(Good things happen whenever Skyzoo connects with rising underground stars. Ask Griselda, and now you can ask Mutant Academy, too. This joint might sound basic to the uneducated listener, but for me, Tuamie provided Anakin and Sky with an ideal minimalist back drop to wax poetic over.)

81. “$ream - Rigz (Da Cloth)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piGwjW27ZRQ

(Not just one of Rochester’s finest, Rigz is quite simply one of hip-hop’s finest MC’s. Major props to Da Cloth’s Rigz and Mooch for dropping some tremendous work in 2019.)

82. “Voodoo” - Rome Streetz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g4tfLwlODo

(I don’t know if I have enjoyed any full Rome Streetz project as much as last year’s Street Farmacy, but he has incredible rap music scattered all across 2019. I’m currently enjoying his latest work, Joyeria, but his collaboration with Sadhugold remains my favorite Rome joint of the year...but he absolutely owned anything he spit on. A future NYC MVP right here.)

83. “Scotties” - Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn3S89vi_L0

(An off-kilt head nodder off WWCD showcases the unparalleled chemistry of real life brothers Gunn and Conway, and finishes strong with an impeccable verse from cousin Benny.)

84. “Tom Chambers” - Roc Marciano feat. Knowledge The Pirate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MB6No8zPsU0

(Roc and Knowledge pass the mic back and forth and completely bar-out on this Marcielago banger...one of several slick tracks off the album that switch-up the beat halfway through the song.)

85. “Big Tipper” - Young Thug feat. Lil Keed

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYO28vD5N2A

(Thugga’s So Much Fun was the first Young Thug project that I truly enjoyed. I think it all came together for Thugga on this album, and it’s chockfull of singles. Most folks would tout “Hot” as the early standout, but “Big Tipper” was the one that stood out to me as having the greatest smash potential.)

86. “100,000” - NYM Lo feat. Smoke DZA & 183rd

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tukJUizDj_g

(I would describe this sound as “underground bop”. NYM Lo and DZA show some great track chemistry here, the hook is a dope homage, and 183rd brought his sharpest production tools to the table with this one.)

87. “Lupos” - CRIMEAPPLE

https://crimeapple.bandcamp.com/track/lupos

(Not many MC’s can claim they had a stronger year than New Jersey’s CRIMEAPPLE. Multiple dope projects, some fantastic feature work, and a stack of quotables to his credit, “Lupos” is my top pick from his recent catalogue off the strength of bars like “I hear biting was the best form of flattery, now I’m glad to see some teeth marks in my strategy.”)

88. “Oaks” - BULLIES (Denmark Vessey, DrxQuinnx and Azarias)

https://fxckrxp.bandcamp.com/track/oaks

(A criminally underrated project that stands amongst this year’s finest, Denmark, Quinn & Azarias have fantastic musical chemistry that can be found all across the Bullies album. In another time and another place, Bullies would fit in well alongside Def Jux’s starting line-up.)

89. “Intro” - DaBaby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpR0gTQG8FI

(What a year for DaBaby. Entering the year with mainstream potential, and leaving 2019 as a flat-out star, all he really needed to do to extend his career trajectory at this point was prove that he also had substance as an artist. Well, say hello to the Intro to his KIRK album and consider all questions answered.)

90. “Protons Electrons Always Cause Explosions” - Al.Divino & Estee Nack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkpPdfNfneg

(One of the more interesting contributions by two of underground hip-hop’s most prolific and exciting MCs’. The duo of Divino and Nack don’t need to back down from any other duo because they are gifted at what they do: hitting fans over the heads with their consistently dope brand of raw rap.)

91. “Skimmin’” - Apollo Brown feat. Nolan The Ninja & Dopehead

https://apollobrown360.bandcamp.com/track/skimmin-feat-nolan-the-ninja-dopehead

(With Sincerely, Detroit, Apollo Brown pulled together one of the strongest compilations of his career. I could have saluted a handful of joints off of this album, but “Skimmin” was my personal favorite, thanks to a great subdued performance by Nolan The Ninja.)

BONUS TRACK: “Mister” - Young Nudy & Pi’erre Bourne feat. 21 Savage

https://soundcloud.com/youngnudy/mister-feat-21-savage?in=youngnudy/sets/slimerre-2

(Just a fun, bouncy collaboration from two of the game’s most unpredictable trap flows. Nudy is Pi’erre’s greatest collaborator - if you were thinking Playboi Carti, there’s no way you read down this far - and there is really something to be said for any rap artist that makes it hard for the listener to guess what they’ll say next. What Savage & Nudy may lack in clever wordplay they make up for in flow, charisma, and catchy hooks.)

***HIGH HONORS [songs that definitely belong in the top 91...so while they might not be the first item packed, consider these joints worthy of smuggling on board the plane for any trip]***:

https://therappundit.tumblr.com/post/189803686616/honorable-mention-the-best-rap-songs-of-2019

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mieczyhale · 5 years

Text

throwing together some of my recent/ish hc posts/tags for @hellomyguru bc its a thing, babey (i have no idea what you’ve seen and what you havent bc tumblr really just suck like that so lmao)

my tags on this post:: #HELL YEAH HELL YEAH #more pride hcs!!! noice!!#i love these sfm#like klaus always taking part no matter how bad shit is bc HIS PEOPLE!!! and ben trying to punch picketers and homophobes is fucking adorbs#and i would kill (whoop) for the day klaus makes ben corporeal during pride and ben can punch all the people and then disappear#vanya’s is cute. come to the light darling!!#and diego fksgjf okay listen whether one hcs him as bi or not this is 1000% something he’d do either way#he’s supportive!!! and he has lgbtqa+ family!!! and nobody gets to be mean to his family but him!!#see also:: the first year after the apocalypse is avoided five decides to tag along when klaus saying he’s taking dave to#his very first pride. he not only enjoys himself but he learns a lot and either then or over the course of the following weeks figures his#own labels out - bc i hc five as asexual and i just have a thing for klaus being the all knowledgeable one about something for once#and his siblings learning about gender and sexuality from him and maybe discovering something new about themselves along the way!#except luther. he’s a cis hetero and we all know it#but maybe he learns to be a good ally. maybe#i mean probably not but whatever#allison is the only other person in the family who i’d even consider calling straight#bc there’s nothing wrong with being straight and i just.. dont have another label that i think fits her really well#so yeah ive got gender and sexuality hcs for them all flgkscndn happy pride month bitches

my tags on this post:: #’you’re telling me this happens every year?? for a whole month??!’ #actually i need every possible concept of dave experiencing pride month and seeing how far things have come for gays#like rainbow shit everywhere#and of course the legalization of gay marriage#out and proud gay politicians and gay people in positions of power#the amount of support that comes when homophobic shit happens now#homophobia isnt the accepted norm anymore#another thing i like is the concept of - either during pride or just in general - dave being excited to learn about the community as a whole#his boyfriend is a nonbinary pansexual and klaus has explained before what those words mean but dave wants to really understand#we stan a supportive and loving couple#dave has a lot to learn in 2019 but i think this stuff would be the most important and have the most effect on him yknow??#shit isnt perfect but its better and now he can work on getting passed the environment he was raised in#so he can hold klaus’s hand in public and kiss him around other people without panicking and eventually he proposes because HE FUCKING CAN#HE CAN DO THAT. HE CAN JUST.. ASK HIS BOYFRIEND TO MARRY HIM. LEGALLY.#good fucking shit

my tags on this post:: #did you see the state of the sky in the apocalypse?? there’s a chance he really wouldnt have noticed#i mean like yeah it could be a funny plothole#but there could also be reasons for why thats not something he noticed#or idfk man timeline shit#maybe the moon didnt explode the first time around#maybe it did and there’s just another moon somehow some way#maybe he didnt notice bc he was first too scared and then too frenzied and angry probably and then he had shit to focus on and math to do#and then dolores wanted to go on dates to the local wine cellars and flat empty areas that used to be parks and then there was spending days#in the library together like having a girlfriend is a lot of work okay#maybe five just didnt have the time to slowdown and consider things like space#maybe his headspace was too fucked#sometimes you just forget about the moon - i know i do!#so sfgksncjf okay y e ah

my tags on this post:: #YES!!! #yes yes yes #okay #so#everytime someone mentions or even hints at dave having anger issues i wanna fucking cheer bc thats one of my biggest hcs for him#like yeah he’s sweet and gentle and respectful and all that - genuinely a good man - our lil jewish gay#BUT#he did grow up in the 50s and 60s which as op said would have surrounded him with a lot of toxic masculinity. now i dont think he would be#a toxic kind of masculine AT ALL but it definitely would have forced him to hide his emotions and feelings and idk hobbies and of course his#sexuality. and i say hobbies bc there isnt a canon answer for it i dont think but i personally hc dave as being someone who loves art#specifically: drawing. dave keeping a lil sketchbook and some pencils under the pillow on his cot in vietnam?? yes please#so anyway yeah - he wouldnt have really had any good examples of how to properly take care of your anger - although he has enough#heart and common sense to know its really fucking wrong to take it out on women and children and people one is dating WHICH - another hc i#have that ties into this is that somehow his dad found out that he’s gay and beat the crap out of him over it. because unfortunately thats a#thing that happens. so his main male example was an abusive pos. and then he goes to vietnam which is fine because its not like he has#anyone stateside that will miss him - that will talk to him anymore - and its a warzone so there are a lot of ways to work out your anger#and yeah that of course includes bar fights. and he does - usually - try and keep a hold on his anger until he’s away from anyone who might#feel threatened - and he doesnt wanna end up taking out an innocent on accident - but he’s not actually perfect and so sometimes he fails#and it happens around klaus one time and seeing his love’s reaction - the making himself smaller - trying to hide - going quiet and so#clearly afraid - and not just afraid but afraid OF HIM - freezes him to the core where he stands because nobody has ever reacted like that#before. or if they have he never noticed or cared because they didnt matter. but this is klaus. his klaus. who he loves and would never do#anything to hurt him. his klaus who he protects and defends and knows he wants to spend his life with - no matter how impossible it is#he wants to go to klaus and apologize - try to undo the damage done simply by him raising his voice and lashing out - but he doesnt know#what to say or how to say it - he doesnt know what to do with the situation honestly. so he leaves the tent and goes to take his renewed#anger and frustration out on whatever he can find so he can calm down and hopefully get into the right headspace to have whats#no doubt going to be a really hard conversation with his boyfriend. because where do you even start??#but of course they talk it out and dave promises to work on his anger and on how he lets it out and yknow.. its dave so klaus trusts him and#it takes some time - there are some incidents - but dave works hard and learns a lot from klaus - including how to unlearn a lot of shit he#grew up with - and its rough but having a partner from the future who breaks all kinds of barriers definitely helps#so y eah. those are my brief feelings on it and i wanna marry op

my tags on this post:: #!!!!!!!!!!!! #YES #i adore this post#i could never pinpoint why the introduction on the bus made me feel like That but this is it!!#its just so sweet and innocent - even surrounded by other soldiers in the middle of a warring country#the innocence and unbearable fucking adorableness of their first convo on that bus just… its so bright and lovely it makes everything else disappear#the only thing that matters is the two guys getting to experience that ‘o h’ moment for the first time in their lives bc their childhoods#never let them have that #i assume#bc like op said klaus didnt go to a regular school and he wasnt p much stuck in that house and then he was on the streets so#and for dave like.. i guess he could’ve had that moment in school? but it would’ve been one-sided and he never would have#told anyone. 1960s. gay jewish man. yeah.#they’re each others first (and only) loves and i just really fucking adore that and live off of posts about them

my tags on this post:: #what if he wasnt dead-dead though???#bc like… the day five found them all dead was apparently the day the apocalypse happened right? so its not like they’d been dead for days#weeks or w.e yknow??#and the time between klaus dying and coming back is varying and undetermined - there’s no canon timing for the length of his deaths#so what if he came back to life??#like okay i know its not really possible in canon bc five buried them i think?? or is that a fanon thing??#i cant remembering #anyway#but still - in general klaus not being permanently dead in the apocalypse is another possibility#and five didnt know about it bc after finding them all he began his 45 year journey#and klaus wakes up alone and essentially has to learn to survive and he doesnt know five was ever there bc..well.. yeah#five is long gone#maybe klaus lives out his days in that wasteland#and he doesnt remember it where five does bc five time traveled back and klaus didnt. the klaus that got stuck in the#apocalypse is a different klaus - like a different timeline. the klaus from ep1 never got stuck in the destroyed future so#he’d have no knowledge or memories of it or anything#or - second thought - he kills himself at some point after waking up and either begs god to let him stay dead or he strikes some kind of#deal with her so he doesnt have to return to whats left of earth#oooo or something happened that put a lock on his powers?? like yknow those cuffs and devices and stuff in stuff in fantasy that freeze the#users abilities?? that’d be an interesting plotpoint bc then like who did it and why and what was the last day really like? yknow#vanya’s meds but More is the idea #just a thought#but anyway idk im just a big fan of klaus with the inability to die and all the possibilities that brings

my tags on this post:: #i’ve actually never stopped to consider why he didnt notice them except for my v first tua watch-thru#which is odd bc like that seems like a thing one should notice after a few watches??#but w.e #anyway#my only other hc for that part of the episode isnt that klaus didnt notice them bc he’s used to guns#it’s that he didn’t hear them#or that they weren’t loud enough -to him- to register as gunfire initially#bc like one of my close hcs is that he has bad hearing. growing up with people screaming in your ears 24-7 365 can’t exactly be good for#his ears now can it? and with how loud some of them are and how close they can get to him - without touching him - that’s just.. a lot of#fucking volume okay#now add in the academy’s mission alert siren#how loud he listens to his music with headphones on when he’s trying to drown out some REALLY LOUD SCREAMING#and then being near gunfire growing up. those bank robbers had guns and weren’t exactly a big distance away#all the raves and clubs and parties he goes to?? places where music is played so loud the room shakes and you cant hear anything else and#the music itself can be heard from blocks away?? that’s an indeterminable amount of intense noise#and then of course the gunfire of vietnam#so like… boys ears have SUFFERED. whether they wanna acknowledge that in canon or not#so the shooting at the theater - the shooting thats IN the theater - which is large and meant to house sound#thats happening across a big city street from where they’re standing and they’re behind the food truck and if klaus was ordering when it all#started that was just another level of sound and he’s not exactly focused bc everything is awful yknow?? so either it takes him a second to#notice or register it on his own or maybe he doesnt and ben says something?? idk but that’s kinda the field i’ve landed on for that scene#not that im not here for op’s hc!!! bc it really is a good one and it makes sense. im just rambling my own theory here bc i like considering#the Ways for Things sometimes. esp with klaus involved. this does make me wonder tho… if his hearing somehow is -fine- in canon…. h o w?#bc like bitch who tf can take all that and have perfect hearing?? thats gotta be impossible. if they are fine is it related to his powers#somehow?? like.. does his casual passing between life and death all the time mean he doesnt have mortal ear weaknesses? its weird but im..#i’ve got theories.

my tags on this post:: #probably in the massive fucking pockets of his fluffy coat#see also:: a dealer’s place #a boyfriend’s place#an ex-boyfriend who is also a dealer’s place#a girlfriend’s place #a partner’s place#all ex’s of course bc dave is the only valid romantic relationship#he made friends with the person who owns a nearby thrift store and they help him out#he has a locker at a public place like the ymca#he only has one outfit before returning to the mansion so he has nothing to carry - ever on the move#he thiefs off of people in rehab and crackhouses he stayed in that are dumb enough to leave their shit unattended#when he sees something he likes or he feels its time for an outfit change#he mostly sticks with his lace up pants as far as bottom pieces go bc its much harder to sneak away with skirts#and the kind of crazy pants he likes. there’s only room for one pair of pants for this pan disaster#after returning to the mansion he has access to the funky gay clothes he had managed to aquire before leaving all those years ago#bc like… i kinda hc that he got out of there fast and probably higher than fuck and had nothing packed#have you ever tried to pack while high?? it’s harder than it has any right to be#crack theory:: he had a bag - we just never saw it bc in the beginning he wore it under his floofy coat bc safety and he didnt need it the#rest of the time.#i have a lot of thoughts and headcanony opinions about klaus’s time on the streets so thank u#for giving me a place to dump some of them

#a collection of my dumbass tag rambles about the umbrella academy #for the ever lovely #hellomyguru #im definitely gonna be thinking of more pride hcs tho bc... Gay.#oooo i should make a post about my gender/sexuality hcs for all the siblings maybe?? ive seen other people do that and like.. i wanna share #but i also dont want to be eaten by people who disagree so... mayhaps not.#idk.#anyway. i knew i typed a lot in tags but uh... i wasnt aware of how bad it was. whoops?#mytuaposts

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jesslcover · 5 years

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H.E.A.L.T.H. What is it?

For many years, ive been trying to get all these beautiful inspiring stories out of my head and out into the public. I believe that I have a message and maybe my delivery is off but its there.... There is no right or wrong way to deliver a message because it truly comes down to the perception of the receiver, not you that creates the problem. If you have a message to share with the world.. share it, and if the world isn't ready, thats there issue, not yours. So here’s mine.... well a small piece of it...

Have you ever thought about what the true definition of health is? Is the worlds definition of health congruent with your own definition? How did you come to your own way of health or do you follow others and envision yourself as them maybe when you were completely out of balance with yourself. Or did you do research on ways to quick fix your health Hit?

There are so many ways we can view health and in each one of us, its different. Take a smoker of 30 years..... If you or someone you know has smoked for a very long time and are thinking about quitting, you know its gonna be stressful. Even if you are 100% committed to giving up the filthy habit and saying good rides, the body and mind are going to, at some point be in stress overload. The nasty chemical of nicotine has adapted inside your body and your cells feed off of them but then ll of a sudden, you are suffocating the fuel for which stimulated the craving when they were on empty... So your brain thinks, “feed me nicotine, feed me oral fixation.”

No patch, gum or physical ailment has ever been the true reason some someone killing the habit. The real healing and transformation comes from the energetic balance between what our mind is telling our body, and what forces surround us in our environment the controls our cravings within our body.

For 12 years, I smoked very heavy cigarettes. Not the Light to Ultra light brands but the stuff the big boys, construction workers, mechanics, Beer Bellied red necks, used to smoke. My mom allowed me to smoke as many cigarettes as I wanted, just as long as I only smoked cigarettes and nothing else.

In June 1999, after a car accident nearly caused my death, I was awaked into a new light and mindset. Still smoking cigarettes, going to church and attending local exercise classes, my perception to things was different.

After 4.3 drooling months of battling a disconnect of me headspace and my Mind Body Spirit connection being in OFF mode, I was turn on with more voltage and internal power than ever before.

In October 1999, 2.5 weeks after I was forced to drop out of high school, I was blown away that something so big, and active was living inside of my head. I asked myself, how could this tumor, be so unkind to just appear out of the blue and say, “That’s it Lady, POWER OFF.”

I was a senior in High School, passionate about hospitality, working for Marriott hotels 23-28 hours a week in front office operations and selling shoes at Nine West 13-17 hours/week M-F. Marriot was a Fri-Sat-Sunday job with Holidays for the additional overtime. After my accident, I lost my job at the shoe store however Marriott loved my positive energy and life force I expelled to guests while they checked in, even when I couldn't see over the front Desk front sitting in a chair from Pain. Although I felt much loved at this hotel, I would soon be discharged from here as well.

October 24th, 1999, after my first attempt to get my GED, the equivalent to a High School Diploma, I failed. I felt horrible with my life. I had no job because of my disability, I quit high school and barely saw my friends, no driver license because they were taking from me by the State of Ohio for safety of other drivers and I was smoking 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day. How was I able to come out of this mess and go from SURVIVING to THRIVING? It certainly wasnt some Miracle pill or Reconstructive Surgery that changed me from the outside to inspire my inside...... It came from within me! How I looked at the physical things around me, how I gave thanks to everything, even a bird dropping its poo poo on my head while trying to sunbathe next to my neighbors pool, or having a check for $3.84 bounce over a pack of cigarettes. What taught me the greatest life comeback in these scenarios.

It was a wet and muggy Wednesday morning in October, the 27th to be exact, when my mom dreaded waking at 745am to take me to get a second opinion from a doctor at the Cleveland Clinic office near my small hometown. She had finished work at 1130pm the previous night to only arrive home around 1215am from the heavy rain that evening. My first appointment was at 830am.

There were actually several appointments scheduled that day however my mom had to be at work by 1pm and wasnt able to take me to all of my appointments. After the first appointment, we decided to skip the potential MRI and take me to grandma’s house.

For the next 9 months, until June, the summer of 2000, I stayed with grandma. It was a much happier place to be. Grandma had 3 fun loving dogs, a pool with a beautiful wooden deck big enough for 5-7 lawn chairs, and my aunt Kathy living within walking distance. Kathy smoked and she was more like a smoking buddy. I was able to make some money mowing yards for the neighbors and helping grandma with the house and her dogs. In June, I got my driver license back and went on a mission to find a job that would give me independence away from everyone! It was the greatest stepping stone into womanhood I could've ever taken.

After attempting to retrieve my job with Marriott and being unsuccessful, an amusement park on the lake outside of cleveland contacted me for a summer job at one of their hotels in the park. Cedar Point is the PRIME ROLLERCOASTER park in the USA. Without hesitation, I took the job and moved 2.5 hours away in a cabin villa with 2 other girls, for the summer.

Cutting to the chase... at the end of the summer, I felt like i was ready to go back to school and try my HSD again. It didnt take long to see that, this wasnt supposed to be the option for me.

August 2000, just days before school was to begin, mom and I, her friend Cheryl and our long time neighbor were shopping for school supplies at our local Staples Store. Cheryl had MS and I took care of her also. Without her with us, my mom would've been in the Emergency room.

As we were walking out of the store, I started to dauntingly walk a different direction than my mom and Cheryl. Completely disconnect from the world, my mom said she continued to yell at me but I didn't listen. Was I not listening or did I not hear her?

In the moment when my mom gently grabbed my right shoulder to bring me toward our truck, I physically attacked her, bruised her face and she fell on the ground. Immediately she got back up and “started calling me names”, Cheryl said. Before we got to the truck, I came out of this brain freeze and began to ask my mom “Oh My God, what happened to you?”

You can imagine my mom’s confusion, frustration and contemplation as to why I seemed to disillusioned to the event. This object in my brain was moving again and this time caused a disconnect that changed my life traumatically, with myself and my mother.

A week before my Mom’s birthday, September 4, school had only jut begun and I was doing good until the long 3 days weekend for Labor Day. Labor day is the 1st Monday in September and my mom’s birthday happened to fall on that day however our doctors office was closed.

The very next day, with a luck of the draw, Dr Angerman, who I saw the previous years, had a slot open at 9am which my mom booked me without question. The findings were what had been daunting me for more than 15 months.

Ganglioglioma is low-grade tumor of mixed cell type. It is a type of brain tumor that contains properties of both glial cells (responsible for providing the structural support of the central nervous system) and neuronal cells (the functioning component of the central nervous system). It is very rare!! Being rare was one thing but with the location being life threatening inoperable, my mom burst into tears with fears of what to do with me.

My Ganglioglioma treatments included: Neurosurgery – to remove as much of the tumor as safely possible; surgery is often limited due to the deep, central placement of these tumors within the brain Chemotherapy – either before surgery to shrink the tumor or to kill cancer cells

Radiation therapy – precisely targeted treatment to control local growth of tumors; not recommended unless the child’s tumor has re-grown due to potential long-term side effects of therapy.

Cleveland Clinic has some of the most highly acclaimed doctors and surgeons in the world. They are one of the best trusted hospital resources for Neurological, Cardiac and Pulmonary operations. With a higher success rate than any other hospital affiliation on the entire planet, Dr Angerman relaxed my mom and assured her that I was in heaven’s hands. On March 12th, 2001, I became a successful survivor of this rare scare of a brain tumor however the end wasn’t close yet.

After 3 days, I was released from Cleveland Clinic Neurosurgery in Cleveland, Ohio, with 100% full confidence by Neurosurgeon Dr. Morris, that I would recover with no problems. March 16th, while at my grandmothers house, I had a stroke. I was paralyzed on the entire left side of my body for 6 weeks until April 29th 2001......

Dr Morris did an amazing job at my surgery and was the first person and step that gave me internal hope that led to my wellness path to what I call HEALTH however, it was the energy practices of Yoga& Pranayama, which no one in my red neck town had ever heard of), Mindfulness, Chiropractic, proper nutrition and guided imagery that allowed me to transform my mind, come back in tune with my body and provide positive feedback that would change my life, inside and out, forever.

It’s now 18.5 years later, Aug 2019, and my passion for helping people, inspiring wellness and Mind Body Medicine to everyone I meet, especially as a career, gains excitement everyday! My true meaning of HEALTH is Holistic Enhancements Aspiring Longevity Tranquility & Happiness. Because true health starts with me, not with money, a beautiful BMW, fancy vacations or diamonds... It starts at the HEART... tap deep within and you will win.... no matter what you are going through!

When we live life in a state of our own positive definition of HEALTH, whatever it may be, we are creating an art that is unique to us and us only, but its from the heart. Learn to BREATHE... and used the same formula components(letters) to BE HEART!

Sorry for any typos...

Namaste, Good Night friends.

#health #wellness #mindbodyconnection #thepowerofhealing #overcomingobstacles #lifechangingmoments #energymedicine #yogainspiration #iloveyoga #breathe #beaninspiration #survivingtothriving #cleveland clinic

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ketchupcrisp · 6 years

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#AskStrange Hello doctor! I have a question about the status of subs. IIRC, according to the Author, subs are in principle equal to everybody else. However, some elements in the story make me wonder if that's true in practice: Howard's total rejection of Tony's orientation; Tony's hiding it for years; and Pepper's mention that people loved him in part because of his being a sub. Are subs in actuality discouraged from following challenging life paths, and those who do especially admired?

While the Author is, in many cases, wildly fanciful, on this particular topic she is correct. Submissives, particularly True submissives, are generally very highly regarded. Howard Stark, however…well, perhaps showing you would be more expedient.

(The Author asks that I provide a content warning for allusions to child neglect, alcohol abuse, and something she calls “Howard Stark’s A+ Parenting.” I can only hope the latter is sarcastic. As annoying as his spawn is, I would not consider Howard Stark a model for adequate parenting.)

Tony loved workshop days the most. The rest of the time his Dad had only a few settings: physically gone (at work, or searching for Captain America), mentally gone (booze was usually the culprit on these occasions), or emotionally gone. The latter times were the worst, because Howard would be there, right in front of you, and he might even be sober, but he might as well have been thousands of miles away. Those usually happened during the big fundraising events Tony’s Mom put on, though Howard had also been known to check-out during kiddish milestones he considered beneath his son, like piano recitals or elementary school ‘graduations.’

He didn’t let Tony down into the workshop very often, either. Tony, he said, was too easily distracted, more likely to break something or taint the results of an experiment than to actually add anything of value. But every once in a while he would find Tony, pull him away from whatever he was doing (which had included school a couple of times, usually leading to screaming matches between Dad and Mom later) and bring him down to the shop.

The shop was the best place in the world. There was always something incredible happening; Dad would work on new designs for the shield (for when he found Cap), and he’d talk to Tony about vibranium and everything that made it such a unique, un-reproduceable substance. Or he’d work on his flying car, which was going to be perfect one day as soon as he stabilized the repulsor technology. Or he’d make new weapons that helped keep kids like Tony safe in their beds at night. Tony liked all of those things, but what he liked most of all was how his Dad was down here: attentive, happy, alive in a way he never really seemed to be anyplace else.

Today wasn’t exactly the same. Howard hadn’t planned on bringing Tony down to the shop, but one of his regular assistants had needed to go home to attend to his submissive. She was classified at a one, which meant sometimes she had very high needs. Most people talked about subs, especially subs classified that close to True status, in hushed, reverent tones. But when his Dad explained why Damien had had to leave, it didn’t sound like that. He sounded…sorta mad, or grossed out, maybe, like that time Tony had presented Mom with a collection of rare insects.

“Is it bad? To be a sub like Marnie?” For a long time Howard didn’t answer. And he did have a tendency to ignore questions he thought were beneath him, so Tony had already accepted it and moved on to thinking about something else when Howard sighed and put down the soldering iron he was using.

“Not…bad, but just. Well, remind me what you know about evolution, Tony.” Obediently, Tony spouted off everything he could remember about monkeys and Darwin and finches and natural selection. Howard gave no visible signs of approval (of course he didn’t, Tony was six, of course he should probably know more than this), but he didn’t yell or demand Tony leave the lab and return with a better answer, so it counted as somewhat of a victory. “Now, would you say it’s a desirable trait for people to need each other as much as True subs and Doms do, Tony? For them to not be able to function, for their muscles to stop responding to their brains and their minds to become frantic, just because they aren’t spending enough time in their headspace?”

Tony has long since learned that sometimes his Dad’s questions are a trap, and this definitely felt like one of those times. Because before now, Tony would have said he thought it sounded kind of nice, the way that different orientations worked together, making individuals stronger together than they were apart. The thought of knowing someone that way, being known in return, he was too young to really know much about the details of what it would entail, but as a concept, the notion that there might be someone out there like that for him had been a comforting fiction on the many days and nights he spent mostly on his own.

“No?” he guessed.

“Personally,” Howard continued as if Tony hadn’t spoken (a good sign his had been the right answer), “I think True subs and Doms are uncommon because orientation is a trait that’s just dying out. And in my book that’s a damn good thing. No one should have to rely on anyone like that. People…they disappoint each other. It’s what we do. We hurt each other and leave each other and end up in the bottom of the goddamn ocean, and…well, it’s just better to stand on your own two feet, boy.”

“What…what if when they test me…what if…” Tony trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. He didn’t want to grow up to be disappointed by someone! Or even worse, be a disappointment. He’d done plenty of that already. Howard laughed.

“What if you’re a True, you mean?” He nodded, and his Dad threw his head back and laughed again, already turning his attention back to his work. “Boy, you got nothin’ to worry about. There hasn’t been a Stark that’s been anything but a middle-scale Switch in decades.”

That, Tony told himself, was a relief.

#AskStrange #you great unfinished symphony (you sent for me)#interactive fic #D/s AU #CW: child neglect #CW: alcohol abuse #fic

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blackvail22 · 3 years

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17 may 2021

10:07am - i woke up at 3am with overwhelming anxiety. i was actually awakened by the anxiety, it was that overwhelming. i just panicked for a second while awake. i texted someone to see if they were awake (so i could talk to them), and they werent. so i just closed my eyes and took deep breaths to calm me and go back to sleep. oh, and i changed my discodd username to my nickname (jb) last night. i wasnt in a good headspace, and i wanted to be perceived as someone else. even though its my nickname, it makes me feel like a different person while using it.

12:54am (2021-05-18) - i talked to k briefly this morning, but he wasnt in touch a lot today. i understand. i wanted to reach out, but i was too scared to. i felt like if he was still hurt from yesterday i would just hurt him even more.

i hate thinking about what happened yesterday. im trying to avoid everything that reminds me of him because it triggers my mind into remembering yesterday. even though i’m doing that, i want to talk to him and support him and hug him and tell him that everything will be okay.

i’m going to bed now not knowing if i’ll wake up from an anxiety attack, have a nightmare, or the millions of other possibilities that could happen. i’m afraid to sleep, but i deserve this time to rest. i did my school work for the first time in multiple days, and i even showered today when i was feeling too unmotivated to do so. so,

goodnight, apple, and to anybody else that could be reading this. i hope that you are well and are treating yourself with the respect you deserve. <3.

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oldmyths · 7 years

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hiya drew, what are a couple bands/songs you'd recommend for someone interested in getting into classic rock? I hope you're having a great day

hey anon! this is an extremely loaded question! sdfjdfkgjd (and i’m really flattered you’re askin me, because, omg, it’s an honor)

(under a read more bc i talk too god damn much)

okay. lemme preface this by saying i barely scratch the surface when it comes to classic rock. in fact i just like the “popular” classic rock bands, because i’m a hipster loser (and i grew up on some of this stuff and don’t really have much of an interest venturing further but hey, who knows, maybe i’ll expand my spotify library in due time)

there are people on this website in the CR fandom who are so much better equipped to answer this, but u asked me, and i never really bothered to integrate into the cr fandom anyway because i feel like theyre all cooler than me and i just wanna sit down and listen to like, the same two albums on repeat, but anyway. to answer your question…

it really just depends on what genre you like. what kind of music you want to get into; i can sit here and tell you to listen to pink floyd and go on about their significance but i can’t make you Like them yknow?

so…..i’m just gonna list a few of my favorite songs by the most well-known classic rock bands because, like i said i just kind of barely scratch the surface on the classic rock format as a whole

as some of you may be aware, i am drew “beatlefucker” angelshane (thanks ana) and to get these bug boys out of the way, i’ll give u some song recs from the beatles! (early 1960s to 1970) (genres: rock, pop, psychedelia)

surely you’ve heard of them; if not, they caused a huge uproar across the world called beatlemania. think of like…tumblr, as a planet, and the beatles is the newest, hottest anime of the season, and everybody’s got a huge heart boner for them. because that’s basically what it was.

here are some of their songs that have been in my head for the past few days: drive my car (rubber soul, 1965); eleanor rigby (revolver, 1966); and if i fell (a hard day’s night, 1964)

revolver is the most recent album i’ve listened to, they have more but the next proper Album is sgt. pepper and that feels…like. so much. it’s a Huge Album, both content-wise and…history-wise? anyway, it’s very intimidating for me and i think i want to take my time with it before i rush in

i’m just gonna get led zeppelin (late 1960s to 1980, some reunions sprinkled here and there,) out of the way, now, too. (genres: hard rock, blues rock, folk rock, heavy metal)

let me just say right here: i hate jimmy page. as a person. and i honestly think most of his solos aren’t…that great. but for real, i won’t tolerate any of that ugly shithead on my blog and just because i like LZ doesn’t mean i condone any of the shit he did.

(you’ll notice a trend, especially in the older bands, that controversy is super common. u can’t..really get into classic rock without having to see the darker side of your faves. it sucks, nobody’s perfect, and i don’t agree with separating the artist from the art, but it does get hard to like certain music when you know the shit that happened with certain artists.)

Anyway! that being said, i truthfully only really listen to led zeppelin and led zeppelin ii. some physical graffiti but, eh. So, if you wanted to get into lz, you’re askin the wrong person, is what i’m saying jfkgsdj

here’s my song recs: good times bad times and dazed and confused (led zeppelin, 1968); whole lotta love and ramble on (led zeppelin ii, 1969); kashmir (physical graffiti, 1975)

and honestly the JP thing is why i don’t really listen to LZ much outside of their self titled and lz2. cos like. i just can’t.

QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN (1970s to…now? personally, if freddie mercury isn’t involved then..is it really queen) (genre: rock)

if you don’t know who queen is, you know who queen is. bohemian rhapsody? of course you know that song. everyone does.

but if you don’t then that’s perfectly ok too. it’s a good song imo. not their Best, but it’s good

i gotta be honest, i listen to singles mostly. i’ve got a lot on my proverbial plate and while i Love freddie mercury (bi king) sometimes i’m just. not in the headspace for queen. they’re good but a certain specific set of circumstances need to happen where i feel aligned with queen music enough to listen to it. also, freddie’s death makes me really sad and if i think about it too hard i’ll get depressed.

here’s my favorite queen songs!!!

brighton rock and killer queen (sheer heart attack, 1974); you’re my best friend (a night at the opera, 1975); somebody to love and GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVER BOY (a day at the races, 1976); TOO MUCH LOVE WILL KILL YOU (made in heaven, 1996)

honestly..queen is so influential and inspiring and i fucking love freddie mercury so like. those are just a few of my favorites. i could honestly go on forever about it but let’s stop there

now let’s get away from the boys and talk about stevie nicks because she is my mother and i would die in her place given the chance. i love her. I Love Her.

but i mean you’d probably better begin at fleetwood mac (late 1960s to the mid 1990s; late 1990s to …now?) (genres: pop rock, soft rock, blues rock, art pop, british blues)

this is a band i don’t know much about. because there’s apparently so much to know about them, so much inter-band dynamic drama. from what i’ve skimmed. So Much Drama.

i…can’t provide any songs for you, because i dont listen to fleetwood mac and i need to fix this ASAP but i feel like the time isn’t right yet. is that dumb of me to think? probably, but i’m gonna stick by my guns.

you should listen to fleetwood mac and tell me what you think!!!

(yes i included a portion on stevie nicks without giving song recs because i’m awful: listen to edge of seventeen, bella donna, 1981)

okay back to smelly dudes cos that’s all the world fuckin cares about i guess

pink floyd!!! (mid 1960s to mid 1990s, mid 2000s, and early/mid 2010s) (genres: progrock, art rock, psychedelic rock)

i mean i love them but i’m just dipping my toes in the water here. i’ve barely listened to them, but from what i’ve heard they’re very good. VERY politically driven. i cannot stress this enough. they’re the good kind of politics i think though

you’ve most definitely seen the album art for the dark side of the moon. like, you just have. there’s probably no way you couldn’t have. (but if u haven’t thats fine)

here’s some tunes: money (tdsotm, 1973); the wall. just. the wall. if you love concept albums, here you go. listen to the wall.

that’s all i got. pathetic, i know, but i’m workin my way up i promise

here’s where we get into more familiar territory. ..having said that, i don’t really know much about the history of the rolling stones, but a good friend of mine Does and maybe i can pry info out of her. but i won’t bc she’s too cool 4 school and she’s really great

anyway, the rolling stones!!! (early 1960s to like. now i guess) (genres: rock, blues, blues rock, rock and roll)

woof. what can be said about them really. there’s…..almost too much to say. i love them a lot.

Okay when i get into bands, its in my DNA to listen from the very earliest recording i can find (usually on spotify nowadays) so i’ve been sslowly working my way past the baby pebbles albums (mostly covers) to their original work (fun fact did you know john and paul of beatles fame wrote their own music, and when mick and keith of stones fame found out it was In Fact That Easy they began to write their own music too? fascinating.)

ANYWAY here’s some stones songs: gimme shelter and you can’t always get what you want (let it bleed, 1969); angie (goats head soup, 1973); sympathy for the devil (beggars banquet, 1968)

again i am….Slowly inching my way up their discography. snails pace. i’ll get there. (u can ask glimmerkeith on tumblr for stones song recs, bc shes great and knows much more than i do and i would die for jenn)

now here’s a band…….that i’ve rediscovered pretty recently. try, last week.

AC/DC!!!!!!!! (early 1970s to now) (genres: hard rock, blues rock, rock and roll)

this is Very Much Your Dads™ Music. probably. most likely, anyway. but listen: i saw them in concert once and (while it probably…wasnt the best experience for me) i had a fucking Blast. very sad things happened in this band in the last few months.

not recent, but very important, in 1980 their lead singer bon scott died and everyone was sad. then brian johnson came out with his fuckin voice and everyone was like “ok sweet lets get back to rock n’ roll”

so this will be split by scott’s era and the johnson era (heh heh) And, because i’m familiar with this band, i’ll list the album in question and name a few songs off it instead of just naming songs. because yes.

scott:

T.N.T (1975); it’s a long way to the top (if you wanna rock ‘n’ roll); T.N.T; high voltage

dirty deeds done dirt cheap (1976); dirty deeds done dirt cheap (edit: i just realized how much i actually hate this album and only like that song so WHOOPS but i wanna keep the formatting so, yknow)

let there be rock (1977); let there be rock; whole lotta rosie

highway to hell (1979); highway to hell (it just felt really weird, making a reclist of songs by ac/dc and Not including this one)

johnson:

back in black (1980); HELLS BELLS; shoot to thrill; given the dog a bone; back in black; you shook me all night long

for those about to rock we salute you (1981); for those about to rock (we salute you)

the razors edge (1990); thunderstruck

making this list, it hit me how much of bon scott i actually Listen to when i listen to ac/dc dfkjghjdfksdsfj but uh yeah those. are good

AND NOW…FOR THE FUCKIN MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR

GUNS! AND! ROSES! (mid 1980s to NOW MOTHERFUCKERS!!! THEYRE BACK!!! well, touring at least) (genres: hard rock, heavy metal

arguably my favorite band. subjectively, my favorite classic rock band. objectively? they own a huuuge portion of my heart, and my ass.

so listen up: these two kids from indiana run away to california to get out of fucking indiana, because who wants to stay in indiana, (it’s more like, one gets out, and like a year later the other kid tries to find him in the big mean streets of L.A) and along the way they get shuffled in and out of bands together. they start bands, break up bands, the whole fuckin shebang.

and then a few chance miracles happen and suddenly guns n’ roses is formed in like 1985. my boys? those are my boys.

i’m gonna do what i did w ac/dc and bullet the albums and then i’m gonna talk about the albums because i got SHIT to SAY

appetite for destruction (1987); welcome to the jungle, out ta get me, paradise city, sweet child o’ mine, ROCKET QUEEN

all right so here’s the deal, it was very hard not picking every single song on the album because every single song on the album is fucking perfection. actual gold. there’s no flaws in this album. Nothing. everything is good and perfect and i’m not biased at all

did you know axl rose (one of the boys from indiana) recorded each line individually? so, he sang a line, and then stopped recording, and then started recording the next line because he wanted it to be perfect?

did you know appetite was originally a flop album but after this dude got the guys at MTV to play the music video for Jungle at like 5am, guns n’ roses BLEW THE FUCK UP. Everybody know about them practically overnight. it was surreal and really cool, apparently.

and did you know axl played the synthesizer in paradise city? that’s adorable. i fucking love him.

gn’r lies (1988); patience; used to love her

the first four tracks in this EP are from their very first EP ever recorded - it Sounds like it’s taken from a live show but they dubbed in the audience in post, to make it seem like they had huge crowds attending their shows when in reality that wasn’t the case. (their first ep was released in december 1986, they had loyal fans but the crowd wasn’t that rowdy until after appetite came out)

believe me when i tell you. don’t listen to one in a million. or like, do. but i’m not gonna fight anyone about this. it’s fucked up. i’m not defending axl at all and i actually struggled with liking guns after i listened to it.

but unfortunately here we are and i saw them in concert and i had to deal with some fuckhead in the row behind me and his friend who kept Shouting that they play the song, when nobody on stage could her them, and like. of course they wouldn’t play it today. fuck off man

use your illusion i (1991); right next door to hell; dust n’ bones; perfect crime; november rain; BAD APPLES; COMA

i tried to limit these to five songs an album but i fuckin can’t, anon. illusion1 is just so fucking perfect. i can’t choose between my children. pls forgive me

on dust n’ bones and double talkin’ jive is izzy stradlin doing vocals (the second indiana boy, the one who left indiana first) and he’s regarded as the most unnderrated member in gnr by like everybody. so much so that it’s almost…too much. but like basically he was addicted to drugs and everything and then he sobered up when everyone else in the band was still hooked and he was like “wtf i’m out” and axl was like noooo :(

use your illusion ii (1991); civil war; 14 years; GET IN THE RING; locomotive; estranged; you could be mine

UYI1 and 2 were released on the same day. can you imagine how fuckin wild that day was? gnr fans scrambled to their record stores by the hordes probably.

izzy does vocal work in 14 years and this album was his last contribution to the band

uhhhh this album is also fucking perfect but i get sad listening to it sometimes so i try not to? very emotionally driven work. but like, where UYI1 was mostly passionate and angry-ish based, UYI2 is much more contemplative and uhh. sad. i guess.

“the spaghetti incident?” (1993)

this is a cover album and also the last album to feature my love, my soul, my light, my heart, slash. also duff. i mean i love him probably almost just as much but, yeah. duff actually looks like my cousin’s dad so i can’t really…. um. i feel weird about talking about him kjdfgd

but SLASH my god what a perfect man. i love him more than almost everything.

hey fun fact in between UYI and TSI, guns n’ roses toured with metallica and that tour is when slash, In His Autobiography, said he “lost” axl. his word. he Lost axl.

axl rose is a whole fuckin…..topic for another time, and i’m not gonna get into my own bullshit here, but that’s basically the situation when you listen to TSI. the band is fractured and barely holding together. after TSI, slash and duff leave GNR and axl is the only original member from the band still in it

(of course that opens up a conversation of who was originally in guns n’ roses but that’s another discourse for another time)

CHINESE DEMOCRACY (2008); CHINESE DEMOCRACY; BETTER; THERE WAS A TIME; SORRY; MADAGASCAR; PROSTITUTE

I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS. ALBUM. MORE THAN I COULD EVER EXPRESS. everyone says it’s “not gnr” of COURSE it isn’t gnr, when YOU think of GNR, you see slash. and like, i love slash? but he didn’t make the band. EVERYONE - axl, izzy, steven, duff, And slash made the band. after steven was kicked, gnr lost a huge part of what made them stand out, what made the band unique.

and like, fuck, i love dizzy. i love all of the new additions. but you cannot. fucking look me in the eyes and tell me you love UYI But you hate CD because it’s “not gnr”. like. fuck you man.

ugh anyway. i just gotta let y’all know my Stance on this. i love chinese democracy. i’ll defend this album with my fucking life. i was really…disappointed when, at my concert, i didn’t hear more CD but like i also saw slash in person (albeit, from far away, but we shared the same arena and that’s. more than i can handle)

i wanna get lyrics from prostitute tattooed on my body.

also like you can’t tell me better and sorry aren’t about slash sorry but that’s just the fuckin tea

Now, listen, this ask got away from me. i didn’t include…SO many bands because, like i said, i just scratch the surface of what classic rock is. my word isn’t law, ok? that bein said, i am always, ALWAYS down to talk about any of the bands here, and others!!! if i know of them. i’m always taking music/song recs, too.

thanks..for reading this stupid answer to your innocent ask sdfkjghsdf

#🌹 tag #here i've given you a tag now #i hope u don't mind!#also! i'm so sorry this took forever!!!

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almostdeaddepression · 5 years

Text

In my feelings

so its 1:30am and i cannot get out of my head. im tired all the time but cant sleep. I started crying just because i miss my mom and I cant seem to do anything right. I feel like i should reach out for help but my two best friends have their own things going on. Like they also struggle with depression.

One recently moved two states away from me and honestly that killed me. I know shes going through stuff in her life too, in a lot of ways that is more important and life changing than the stuff in my life. And the other friend has had some terrible awful things happen in her life. I want to be happy for them when they tell me theyre doing better. I want to feel for them when they tell me things are rough. I want to be there for them when they need someone to lean on and in a lot of ways I am. But, at the same time, i feel like im going through the motions of trying to be supportive because my own headspace is so dark.

Think breakaway glass used in theater and movies, my support for them is like that. and their issues are like water. like the glass will hold water however with any slight impact it will shatter. I genuinely try to be there for them, but as hard as i try i feel like i cannot get to a place where i can genuinely be there for them. And asking them for help would just seem like a burden. And i love them so much that i would never want them to think that my issues outweighed theirs in the slightest.

i cant sleep. yet im so tired and god willing i would sleep all day if I could.

I feel selfish even thinking about unloading this on some of my friends. God, im so fucked up right now I feel like the hole im in keeps getting deeper and darker and I cant seem to pull myself out. Ive thought about this a lot. I feel like my depression and the way I feel isnt valid in the slightest.

for an example, my sister was diagnosed with depression in her teens, Since then I have also been diagnosed with depression, and no matter what it just never seems as valid as her depression. shes medicated for it and doing fabulously and from someone looking at her you would have no idea.

My father has just always validated her depression and put me on the backburner. like she went to a facility for a week and he did everything in his powe to pull her out of it. yes, its noble, and i so want that for her but in the process ive been forgotten.

a material example: my father bought her a brand new bedset. queen mattress, huge TV, bedframe, side tables, dresser, you name it. while I was sleeping on a futon. I asked why she, who had a large bed, frame, and dresser got this new addition and he responded... well you didnt come with us. I was 17 and at work.I slept on a futon for another 6 months. then “upgraded” to my mother’s hand-me-down twin bed that had a broken box spring. when i finally got a new bed set it was when I was 20, i purchased it myself and got it on craigslist and trust me it wasnt pretty. i had just had enough and wanted an adult bed as i moved out.

an emotional example: The night i got kicked out I got into an argument with my sisters shithead. My sister and I had an agreement to NOT call my father during an argument because he doesnt respond rationally. she called my father, he called me shortly after. He kicked me out of my home and gave me a week to get all my things and leave. I remember begging him to let ME tell him what had happened. He called me a bitch and told me he didnt want to hear it. my own father kicked me out of my home, without as much as letting me explain my side of the situation.

other examples:

when I was on a low dose antidepressant he called me a “pussy” and told me that I wasnt actually depressed and that i should leave real medications to the people who needed them.... like my sister

when I finally got to a place through therapy where I told him what I was feeling and how I had been feeling he kind of validated it but still compared it to my sisters depression and told me that I needed to go to the gym more and told me to essentially suck it up and move on. simply because my sisters depression was “real” and mine was a phase

at the end of the day im still depressed. ive been in such a dark place that every other thought in my head is me either me thinking how ill die alone, how my family left me, how the world would be better without me in it, how i burden everyone I interact with, or just flat out thinking about what would happen if I killed myself?

the thing of it is, ive felt this way for a long time. I lived with my sister and she didnt take the time to notice or reach out. my father just cared about how much of a “bitch” I am. Nobody seemed to notice when my bubbly, social, self suddenly started sleeping every day, missing events and classes, stopped taking my medication, stopped showering regularly. nobody seemed to notice anything besides im “difficult”. and apparently so difficult that he put me on the street with essentially nothing. I feel like I tried to reach out but my depression and my feelings wernt as valid as other peoples so it never seemed to matter enough.

when the two people you love most in the world straight up abandon you and kick you to the curb you can either sink or swim. ive tried to swim. ive tried to get back into a place where I can feel something again. However..... Im doing this blindly and with no support. I just dont think putting me in a place where im alienated from my entire family and everyone i love is what my depression needs.

with my job hunt failing, my schooling failing, with my family failing, with everything in my life crumbling my depression is like a fire that keeps getting gasoline on it. The thing of it is I think about my friend who recently passed away from a suicide attempt. I think about how sad his father was when speaking about him. how much we all cried at his funeral. how many people showed up. and i know how much it hurts the people you care about.

I’m just at a point where I dont know what my options are anymore. When i’m public enemy number one in my own family and im abandoned by my local friends i just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like if one more horrible thing happens I’m going to start considering a way out and trust me, I dont want to do that to my friends and family.

and I know that people say there are always other options..... but I litterally have nothing. and nobody. im so broke I cant afford anything really. Im so alone because my family abandoned me. I cant afford therapy. I cant find a job, my support system consists of two friends because my other friends are excluding me from things. and my whole support system is just gone. ive never in my whole life felt this low or along. never. I honestly feel shittier now than when my mom died. im in a darker place now than when MY OWN MOTHER DIED, because at least then I had people to lean on. friends, activities, school.... my family.... but now.......... nothing...... and i just feel dead inside.

anyway im all caught up in my own head and its not doing me good to be up this late so I’ll just go to bed. or try to. I promise im fine. again this whole thing isnt intended to be anything more than a personal “diary” of sorts. I dont plan on sharing this with anyone. more for my use in trying to release some of these feelings in an attempt to alleviate this overwhelming darkness thats eating my soul. I have to work an early shift tomorrow.....

#depression #cry for help #diary #in my mind #headspace #family #in my feelings #late night blogging

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fashiontrendin-blog · 7 years

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My Ex Wasn’t Ready to Commit: Here’s My Theory on Why

http://fashion-trendin.com/my-ex-wasnt-ready-to-commit-heres-my-theory-on-why/

My Ex Wasn’t Ready to Commit: Here’s My Theory on Why

“You don’t need me,” my now-ex said, all casual and matter-of-fact. We’d been talking about the real meaning of commitment and all the reasons he didn’t feel he could truly commit to me. In the pause that followed came this seemingly disconnected statement.

He was right, of course, from a purely practical standpoint. I didn’t need him; if we split, I would be fine. I could pay my own bills and support myself. I was obsessed with my career, which was moving full speed ahead. I had a supportive family, my health was in check, and my life was generally in order. I didn’t “need” him. Or anyone. But I wanted him. Wasn’t that enough? In fact, wasn’t that better?

He didn’t seem to think so. Eventually, he broke up with me. He didn’t know what he wanted in life: maybe grad school or an out-of-state move to start over. He was stubborn about his independence, he told me, though I sensed he resented mine. He said I was a little too settled. “You are so sure of yourself, Jenna,” he claimed. “It’s a good thing. But you are going to scare men.”

He also once said, “There are so many things I want to give you, but I’m not sure where my life is going yet.” I remember him saying this to me with a faraway look, like he was performing an open monologue to himself. What if I’d never asked for those things? I thought. What if I’d never asked you to have those answers? It took me years to understand these were expectations he placed on himself.

Men vs. Women

More women than men are now graduating college, and they are significantly likelier to have a bachelor’s degree by age 29. For the first time in history, more American women have bachelor’s degrees than American men. We are thus flooding the workforce, demanding equal treatment and equal pay, outing injustices that might hold us back. And in relationships, more women are breadwinners than ever before; the number of family units with female primary or sole breadwinners has quadrupled since 1960. This is a big shift for millennials, who are watching these changes happen, aware that times have changed since our mothers’ and grandmothers’ day.

That doesn’t mean old societal expectations have completely fallen by the wayside, however. They still play a role in dating between men and women — subconsciously or consciously. For my book on dating and relationships, I talked in depth with many men who date women, and most told me that they still felt pressure to “establish themselves” and “provide.” The data backs up their feelings: In December, the Pew Research Center polled Americans on gendered expectations. Male and female survey respondents said they felt the two biggest stressors for men were still “supporting their family financially” and “being successful in their job or career.”

As I started to collect my own data on why modern-day relationships worked out or didn’t, “having your life together” was a big deal for men especially. I learned a lot of heterosexual men still want to be a full contributing partner — someone who has the capacity to support a significant other financially and practically if needed, and someone who brings home at least their fair share of the bacon in a dual-earning household.

My female interviewees commonly reported hearing refrains like “I’m not ready” and “You don’t need me” from their male partners. Maybe you’ve heard it, too. In an Instagram poll for Man Repeller readers, 72 percent of participants reported they had been told “I’m not ready” in the context of a relationship. Some 78 percent said they’ve had a relationship or connection thwarted due to “bad timing.” And around 62 percent of those participants said they had dated guys who, they felt, were turned off by their independence, paycheck or career.

But per recent survey data, in almost direct opposition to such anecdotes, straight men claim to want just what these women offer: a partnership with someone smart and self-sufficient. (So did my ex, for that matter, before our commitment conversation.) But if that’s the case, what’s going on here? Well, for one, needs and wants are different things, and timing is a crucial element of modern-day relationship success. I have a few theories.

Needs vs. Wants

For millennials, “I’m not ready” is not a line or excuse, but often a reality of dating and falling in love. And here’s where one of my basic theories on modern relationships comes in. I like to illustrate it using some classic psych, a.k.a. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the gift from 1943 that just keeps on giving.

As humans, we move all over the hierarchy every day. All the time! But in general (and as the theory goes), all needs must be fulfilled eventually, and when a need is unfulfilled, it’s activated and we’re motivated to work on that need until it’s met. Typically, we work from the bottom up. Physiological and safety needs come first (you’ve gotta survive) before esteem and love (to help you thrive).

Enter modern-day romance and relationships: Hey there, idealism! What they say about our generation is true. Not only do most of us want to explore and expand personally, but we want couple-with-your-best-friend, do-life-together loves, too. Partnership is a beautiful concept, surpassing a mere “relationship” or even “marriage” as a thoroughly modern aspiration. For those of us in pursuit of a relationship, we’re more often than not looking for an equal partner — a “team” dynamic.

If we check the hierarchy, then, for us modern daters, love is not just support and belongingness (level 3), where it might have slotted back when commitment was more about baseline stability than anything else. Today, men and women alike repeatedly told me they wanted a partner who “makes them better.” We are a generation focused on self-actualization: fulfillment, satisfaction, reaching our highest potential (level 5, peak #goals). Fantastically, true modern partnerships (or at least our idea of them) can and should help us self-actualize, elevate us, and help us become our best selves. But we need esteem — level 4, knowing who we are and what we bring to the table, having most of our basic needs checked — to create the type of relationship where we’re able to grow in the same direction.

This can apply to any couple, opposite-sex or same-sex: When one person is lower in the pyramid, there is less headspace for love (level 3), especially of the makes-me-better, self-actualizing variety (level 5) because he or she must first tend to self-esteem (level 4). But while this applies to all relationships, I’d argue it applies quite consistently to modern men forming opposite-sex partnerships — especially those for whom the pressure to “succeed,” “provide” and conform to a gender role was (sometimes subconsciously) impressed from a young age, changing and intensifying the markers by which they measure self-esteem. The resulting landscape, as I see it, is one wherein men are often stuck on the bottom levels of the pyramid a little bit longer.

He’s Just Not at Your Level

Of course, not every man or woman follows the same trajectory, nor do we all measure our pyramids in the same way. Some have stepped far outside the mold that society laid out and figured out what works for them as individuals. Hats off to the men and women who so beautifully juggle career and love, or those who have decided to fully embrace their single status because it brings them more joy or makes them feel like their most actualized selves.

But for those of us who seek companionship, gender norms and socialization can still have quite a dramatic impact on the pursuit of love. Among the people I interviewed, many men described a pressure-filled, hyper-rigid climb toward “success” before they could feel confident enough in themselves and their abilities to enter a relationship. Many women, on the other hand, described feeling more free to define success on their own terms, granting them the flexibility to move through Maslow’s pyramid with more ease and patience, believing they could work on themselves and a great relationship at the same time.

Whether you participate in this particular narrative or not, people have been theorizing for years about why straight men don’t commit or pursue relationships as readily as women. One of my least favorite theories? “He’s just not that into you.” It’s a popular explanation, and it can work as an excuse for literally anything a guy does, from canceling a date to avoiding a text to breaking up with you. But in my view, it doesn’t encompass the very real and nuanced reality of how we build lives and loves. I watched this explanation gaslight some of the coolest, brightest women I knew. It wasn’t that they couldn’t believe a guy wouldn’t be into them; it was that they couldn’t believe they sensed a great connection and could be so wrong about how it would all play out. When connection after connection failed to pan out, they concluded they weren’t enough — and often set out to change themselves in pretty fundamental ways. I hate that.

I’d like them to consider another explanation: Maybe it was him, and maybe it was timing, and maybe he was struggling to deal with the relationship as a result of simple psychology. For example, if he’s working on gaining a steady source of income after a career change (level 2: safety needs) while you’re working on a promotion at work (level 4: esteem), or he wants a casual relationship (level 3: love and belongingness) while you want that modern-day, growth-oriented partnership to hit every continent or start a side hustle together (level 5: self-actualization), maybe the tough truth is he’s just not at your level.

A straight guy friend told me he thinks he subconsciously struggles to date women who are ahead of him. I once tried to set him up with a good friend of mine — smart, pretty, driven, insightful. The full package! I thought it’d be a great match; they even had the same “out there” taste in music. He talked to her for months but couldn’t make solid romantic moves in her direction. “That was a good match,” he admitted to me years later. “But I was intimidated then. I wouldn’t be today.” Ahh, growth. As for her? She moved to D.C. to work in advertising and, by all accounts, has one of those committed, inspiring partnerships I mentioned earlier.

“Someone in the same place in life,” my friend mused. “It’s hard to find.” And so is modern love. The good news is, although fulfilling relationships may seem rare among the oodles of options we have today, they may ultimately prove more powerful tools for personal growth than “ideal” relationships of the past. And in even better news, for women, there’s more opportunity for fulfillment on the road of life than ever before — whether we’ve found a love that lasts or not.

Photos by Louisiana Mei Gelpi; art direction and infographic by Emily Zirimis.

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