#and who and what shapes this will of yours except the society you were born in?

[earl-of-221b]

I can’t explain what blue eye samurai makes me feel…….its a typical revenge story, a man sets out on his hero’s journey to kill the four men who have wronged him. A lone ronin, wide brimmed hat and sword in hand, roaming Edo Japan on his vendetta. But he’s not a man. He’s a woman. And how has he been wronged? What’s she getting revenge on?

On the fact that she exists. She wants revenge on the four white men that could possibly have conceived her. Who got her Japanese mother pregnant with a blue-eyed child. And not just any blue-eyed child, but a girl child. How is she possibly supposed to live in the world like that? For the wrong of being conceived, for the wrong of being born, for the wrong of being birthed into a world that will never love or accept her, she will kill her father.

I don’t know what level of convoluted self hate that is. Is she a child of rape? Or a child of a whore? Halfway through I realise what she told herself at the start couldn’t possibly be true - it’s not really for her mother. Her mother wasn’t the root of her vendetta, she wasn’t really doing it for her. When she leaves that farm and leaves the chance to live a simple, legitimate life as a woman, she goes right back to hunting down the men. Those men personally wronged her.

And then there’s so much to be discussed surrounding the way she grew up, because as a boy child and a man she can afford so much more than life has dealt her. Her swordfather who took her in out of the love and care in his heart had no shame in teaching a mixed man his art. The face of a ‘demon’ is fine. But not the identity of a woman. Shh. Don’t say it. Don’t confess. He knows and doesn’t want to hear it.

And because she’s lived that way her entire life for safety and security, she’s so completely alienated from being a woman, perhaps she really is he. But not really by choice. Or is it? The thing she does best is the art of killing, the art of men. Gender is a prison and gender is a performance and she has to choose which to perform. The times cannot reconcile hatred and violence with a woman. So she lives as a man.

So she can get revenge on her father, for revenge on herself.

[trickstarbrave]

i find it absolutely fascinating reading the 36 sermons of vivec. after you get past the word salad and weird concepts, you are left with stuff that says so much about vivec. more than i think he would enjoy others knowing.

vivec is conceived in a netchman’s wife. the netchman is never named. the netchman’s wife is never named and is treated more as an object. ultimately she is just a vessel for vivec with no thoughts, emotions, or wishes of her own. she just carries baby vivec (described as an egg) around and he talks and does shit and other people/beings think he is important. and also importantly, because he is part of the tribunal and they share a soul, technically he decided to be born, he decided to have almalexia and sotha sil make him. he is giving himself agency in his own conception. and assigning that conception great importance.

and also: vivec’s childhood does not exist in the sermons. he is an unborn egg and then a fully formed god-king. but we know vivec had a childhood--one were he was a gang leader, a skooma dealer, a sex worker. the lowest of society, trying desperately to survive, and being exposed to violence in some shape or form on the daily. undoubtedly he has a lot of trauma about it, but instead of confronting it he tries to erase it from existence. because the 36 sermons are not all lies and propaganda, but also in part what vivec has made true. what vivec wants to believe. on some level a reality or message that is truth to vivec, even if it may be told through lies or fiction or metaphor. 

idk there is just smth abt that. a rejection of the self deep in there. vivec portrays himself as all knowing and super wise but also comes across as someone who deeply does not like the person he has been. is ashamed of it. someone who can only grasp at the self through metaphors and pretends to think so deeply about it when in reality he is just trying to pretend a lot of the self doesnt exist.

“nothing is real and reality is yours to shape” except vivec still can’t accept his trauma, or create a world where he had a happy childhood and loving parents. his perspective is so humanly limited in that way.

[itsuki-minamy]

GROUND ZERO: FRAGMENTS

CHAPTER 8: WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

* List of Chapters

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

That day, that time... the night before. Niki Fushimi was drunk in the entertainment district.

Shimohaneda Kabata is a city located on the southern edge of Tokyo, bordering Kanagawa Prefecture. If you go down one station, you will cross the Tama River and enter Kanagawa Prefecture.

"Excuse me for a moment."

The woman got up from the couch with a lazy attitude. With lipstick on her lips, she put a small cigarette in her mouth and lit it with the match that was on the table.

The man whose wife had been crying just now was standing in the bathroom. The man was Niki's partner, but all he knew was his name, "Sarashina". They approached him at the first bar and the conversation became animated. Niki, who was already drunk at the first bar, entered this shop when Sarashina gave him a ride.

If he was invited, he used to follow them without refusing. He wasn't trying to pry into the kind of place he was going, or whether the person he was talking to was trustworthy. A few years ago, he met Kisa at a party where someone asked him to come along.

After being born as a baby, humans seem to adapt to society by expanding the world towards themselves, parents and families, nurseries and schools in the process of forming their identities. In the process of growing up, Niki did not experience the "expansion of objects of interest". He did not arouse interest, emotion and therefore motivation in anything, including himself.

He could clearly recognize what he perceived with his five senses. To Niki, though, all of that was dry and unimportant.

Except for one thing that piqued his interest.

"Hey, client, is it true that you have a five-year-old boy? The client you brought in was talking about it earlier."

"Hmmm. That's right."

With a slurred response, Niki slid off the couch he was lying on to the floor. A high-end suit jacket and a fancy tie that Sarashina had taken off were hanging on the couch diagonally across from him.

Sitting on the floor he reached for the glass on the low table. Hesitantly, he shook the glass with his finger. The surrounding glasses were also caught and fell, and the marble table was wet with alcohol diluted with ice.

"Are you okay? I'll get you a new drink."

The guy immediately ran over and knelt by the table. He put the glasses on a tray.

"What will you do next?"

"I'll leave it to my brother."

"Then let's do something interesting."

He wore a dress shirt, a black tie, and a black vest with a boy's uniform, but he was a young man with hair dyed bright pink from the roots. In a nonchalant tone, he was holding a bottle of shochu and a bottle of beer in his left and right hands.

"How old were you when you had the child? You're still young, aren't you?"

"I was nineteen."

"That means you're in your twenty something years now."

"You're young."

The guy poured two types of alcohol into a glass with his skillful tricks.

"You're young too, aren't you?"

"I'm baby-faced. I've been in this industry for quite some time."

"Manato looks like this, but he's over thirty."

The woman who said that was in her mid-thirties, she was not young. Her long curly hair was luxuriously pinned up on top of her head.

The cabaret club on the outskirts of the city, where each table was separated by a U-shaped couch, was filled with vulgar talk. A stream of purple smoke rose from the yellowish illumination.

"I'm guessing he was given birth to by a random woman, you dumped her anyway. Client, that's what you seem to want to do."

"Ruriko-san is the one who was discarded in that situation. Yes, it's a way of drinking taught to me by a visitor from abroad."

The glass slid cleanly across the wet table and settled in Niki's hand.

"I have not abandoned her, I am well married and I love my wife. My wife, the president. Besides, my son is the most beautiful in the world."

He drank about half the glass in one go. The champagne of shochu and beer stirred in his brain and made him dizzy. He fell on the table with his head on the side.

"Ah... I hope to see you soon... my cute monkey..."

He dipped his cheeks into the puddle of alcohol on the table and muttered that with his tongue trailing.

"If you have such an important family, don't drink in a place like this and go home. I'm starting to want to go home and see my daughter."

"Ruriko-san is really preaching when it comes to children."

The woman's tone took on a serious preaching tone, while the boy's was flippant.

"It's still useless..."

"No, is there a reason you can't go home?"

"I might get bored if I see his face every day. Even the most interesting thing in the world might get bored me if I paid attention to it every day."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

He tried to tilt the glass with his cheek on the table, but his fingers were shaking. The liquid that didn't fit in his mouth wet his chin and dripped over the edge of the table.

"Client, are you taking medication? You are angry, right?"

"Drugs? He'll make you feel a million times better than that."

A month has passed since he saw Saruhiko's face. The inside of his body was dry. No matter how much alcohol he drank, he couldn't quench his thirst. His consciousness was hazy, his throat ached and his body was sending serious danger signals.

"I'll see the monkey after I have reached the limit of my withdrawal symptoms, so I'm going to climax... Seriously, I'm freaking out..."

++++++++++

He woke up with a thud.

He felt a strong source of light and heat beyond his eyelids. Something other than the cold marble table touched his cheeks, something rough and hard.

When he opened my eyes, he was outside. He was forcibly grabbed by his collarbone and lifted up by the summer sky piercing high. Immediately after that, he was struck in quick succession by the sensation of floating and falling, as if he was being knocked down to the ground.

"Hmm... where am I...?"

The voice stuck in his throat was hoarse. When he tried to get up, his whole body cracked in pain. In particular, simply putting too much effort into his stomach caused severe pain as if he was holding an iron ball to his stomach.

It was the seat of a wooden bench that he was resting his cheek on. When he rubbed his face at the red stains on the wood, he could feel the coagulated blood sticking to his temples and the corners of his mouth.

He didn't even know where he took off his shoes.

A glass bottle was suddenly delivered from the side.

"I'm thirsty."

A man sitting in a row of benches said that bluntly. With a long beard that covered the lower half of his face, he looked like a bum, but only the jacket he wore over his shoulders was disproportionately good.

Niki reached for the bottle without hesitation. He looked at the label on the square bottle of whiskey and put his mouth on it.

"What is it? It's water."

He took a sip and groaned.

"Because I put water in the bottle I picked up. Let's add a few drops of sake."

On the tips of the homeless man's emaciated ankles, there were familiar sharp-toed leather shoes.

Niki looked down at his feet, which were only wearing socks, but without saying anything in particular, he placed them under the bench and sat back down.

Beyond the clear sky, heading south, for a moment, he saw some kind of light. The sun was shining elsewhere. It wasn't even the moon. Like the flame emitted by the lighter of a hot air balloon.

Without further thought, he purred and drank water.

The high-pitched voices of the children resounded in the sky. Children gather around children's games, such as slides and swings, and their mothers take care of them. Only the area around the bank with Niki and the homeless was avoided.

At night, it was a small park surrounded by trees in the middle of the city, which became a busy entertainment district. Next to the entrance facing the street, there is a public toilet and a phone booth with a green phone.

Last night, in the shade of the trees, he could see the multi-tenant building where the store was located. He appears to have fallen asleep in the park a stone's throw from the store. Tenant signs protrude from every floor of the reinforced concrete exterior wall, but the neon tubes that gave off a garish pink and purple glow last night are now dead in broad daylight. He didn't know if it was last night because his sense of time was gone.

"Ah, you really were here, Client."

A figure stood next to the bench with a calm voice.

He was wearing a hoodie and a black mask, but his pink hair peeked out from under the hood. It was the boy from the night before, Manato.

"I got a call from Ruriko on my pager saying you were sleeping here. I've been wondering since I closed up shop this morning. He was a weird guy, and he hit you a lot. Are you okay?"

Having said that, he looked like he was last night drinking at the store.

"Ruriko-san."

As Manato said that, a mother who was standing by the gym turned around.

Her long, curly hair from the night before was tied up in a simple bun, and her makeup was light, but she was the woman in the store last night.

Ruriko smiled at Manato, who waved his hand and waved back, then quickly turned her eyes back to the jungle gym. A girl who could be her daughter was climbing a jungle gym.

"Yeah, this. It's mostly empty, but just in case. I hope you're happy to come back with just a brand name wallet."

Manato opened the leather wallet and gave it to him.

As he looked at the wallet on his lap, the memory of last night vaguely revived due to its slow effect.

Sarashina didn't come back to the table like that. Looking at his accounting, he was billed 300,000. There were no credit cards or cash in his wallet. Sarashina disappeared after taking out the contents of Niki's wallet, leaving behind his jacket and his tie.

He recalled how a physically strong man dressed in black appeared from the back of the store, was beaten and kicked, and was thrown out of the store.

The homeless man was looking at Niki's wallet. All that was left was a phone card anyway. Niki tossed his wallet on the bench next to him.

"It's a gift for the water."

The wallet itself was worth a reasonable price. The homeless man quickly stuffed his wallet into his jacket pocket and brought their foreheads together like a hug. When he looked back at him, he wondered if it was also something that he threw away along with Niki, it was the jacket that Sarashina had left behind.

He also lost his mobile phone, but it never came back.

"Client, the shoes and accessories look expensive and you seemed to be doing drugs, so they must have been duped. Be careful who you go out with and what stores you go into."

"Don't do drugs."

"Are you kidding me? Did you just do that? You suddenly broke a beer bottle and hit a black suit. If you hadn't acted violently, you wouldn't have been hit so hard."

"Is that so?" His memory of that part had slipped. "Could have been fine."

Niki's childhood was manic. He was restless all the time, making loud noises and destroying everything he could find.

When he entered high school, he became very depressed.

He skipped high school and studied abroad. While studying abroad, he fell back into an extremely manic state, indulged in debauchery at the invitation of his fellow players, and stopped attending university lectures altogether. With no hope of graduating, he was expelled and taken back to Japan.

"Ah, did you want to die? Then, I understand."

"I don't feel like dying at all. I have a wife and a son who love me."

"I don't quite get it. I thought you were the kind of person who wanted to destroy everything, but you say you love your family."

He squinted at the dazzling light that filled the open air and took in the idyllic landscape of the park. A girl slowly climbing up a jungle gym was crouched in a place that was not very high. Ruriko encouraged her daughter who was crying and looking back.

Another boy smoothly overtook the girl and made it to the top with no problem.

"Mom! Look!"

The boy let go of his hands and proudly greeted his mother.

But, the jungle gym suddenly shook vertically.

The boy's body was thrown into the void without resistance. He heard the cry of his mother.

"Eh?"

Immediately after Manato was shocked, the tremor reached Niki and Manato's feet. It was a huge vertical swing, as if a giant grabbed the edge of the ground and rolled it up. The bum fell off the bench next door. Niki's butt also bounced off the bench seat.

"An earthquake?!"

Manato crouched down and gripped the edge of the bench.

The launch itself lasted less than five seconds. In that short period of time, the earth trembled and the iron jungle gym, slides, and swings were distorted into a shadowless figure. All the children were thrown from the playground equipment, and all the mothers around the playground equipment could not stand up and fell.

The children began to cry as if they were on fire.

"Gish..." The warped jungle gym made an eerie noise and tilted further.

"Ruriko! This way!"

Manato raised his voice. Ruriko's daughter clung to the bottom and luckily avoided being kicked out. Ruriko, who had been on her buttocks, stood up as if repelled, grabbed her daughter from both sides of her, and pulled her out of the jungle gym.

Behind Ruriko, who started running with her daughter on her chest, the jungle gym tilted at a fast pace. Immediately after Ruriko caught up with Niki and Manato and covered her daughter, it completely collapsed as rolled a large amount of sand in the park.

Ruriko raised her pale face and looked towards the park that had changed the peaceful landscape of the day.

"The earthquake just now...? I've never seen an earthquake like this before..."

The launch didn't come after the first, but the remnants of the tremor still crackled in the air.

The road outside began to roar with the sirens of ambulances and fire trucks. Trees surrounding the park had also snapped or fallen from their trunks. Buildings emitting black smoke and buildings with collapsed exterior walls could be seen beyond the crooked trees.

There were also cracks in the walls of the multi-tenant building where Manato's store was located. The cabaret club sign on the 7th floor came off the wall, collided with the consumer finance sign on the 6th floor and they both fell. The brand name product recycling store sign on the 5th floor was covered in snow. There was a sign for a ticket shop on the fourth floor.

"Mom, what is that?"

The daughter supported by Ruriko's chest pointed to the sky over her mother's shoulder.

Manato's eyes traced in that direction and reflected a red light.

"Wow. What is it?"

Manato moved his hand to his chin and murmured.

Niki slowly looked up as half of his buttocks had slid off the bench.

A gigantic object suddenly appeared in the void. In the southern sky, it was the direction where he could see the light that he mistook for a balloon burner. A pillar-shaped object engulfed in swirling flames connected the ground and the sky.

The clear blue summer sky reflected the color of the pillar and was eroded by the color of blood.

"What's that...?"

"Was it really an earthquake? It's like the end of the world."

In contrast to Ruriko's trembling voice, Manato's voice was stunned, but there was something lurking in his voice that seemed to anticipate something.

It seemed that the mobile phone was getting difficult to connect. People flocked to phone booths and the lines were growing fast.

"Yeah... it's the end of the world... oh..."

The homeless man sitting in front of a bench knelt while he looked at the southern sky.

"Oh, it is the wrath of God. God has judged. I hope the stupid humans perish!"

He picked up a bottle of whiskey, which was just water, and danced out into the middle of the park. With Sarashina's jacket and Niki's leather shoes. Spinning around like a girl in a fairy tale who can't take off her shoes.

The children cried when they saw the pillar of fire. The mothers were shouting the names of their children.

People were cursing because their phones couldn't connect. Many people were running to the phone booth in a hurry.

A man whose heart was beating at the beginning of something extraordinary. A scared woman. A madman who toasts and dances.

Niki stared at the various reactions of the people in the park with emotionless eyes.

There was also an ugly human pattern unfolding in front of him. A strange sight that rose beyond the sky. The tragedy that was occurring just below that sky.

Nothing aroused Niki's emotion.

There was nothing there to move Niki's emotions.

The ringtone began to play in the pocket of Manato's hoodie.

"Oh, manager... Yes. Yes. I'm safe here. Ruriko-san is close now. Yes. See you."

Manato calmly ended the exchange and hung up the phone as he ignored the damn queue at the phone booth.

"It seems like the PHS tone is more connected. I was lucky I haven't switched to a mobile phone yet."

"Lend it to me."

Niki grabbed Manato's wrist, who was holding a small stick-shaped mobile device. Manato was slightly surprised by the sudden movement.

"Go ahead. Do you want to contact your family?"

He handed it to him.

He entered a phone number by pressing the number pad on a mobile device that fits in one hand with the thumb. Tsu, tsu, tsu, after an inorganic sound wandered looking for the destination for a while, the calling sound began to sound safely.

"Yes. It's Fushimi."

When the call was cut off, a professional female voice answered.

"Kisa-san. Where is the monkey today?"

There was a moment of surprise when Niki suddenly spoke, and then a high-pitched voice returned.

"I don't know. It's Sunday, so he's not home. I'm going to board now, so I'll hang up. Wait a minute. What was that? Aren't you coming back?"

Kisa's voice grew distant, and he could hear the rapid conversation back and forth. Kisa's voice came back on the line with a sense of bewilderment and tension.

"Something happened in eastern Japan. Thanks to you, I'm stuck here."

"Kisa-san, aren't you in Tokyo?"

"I'm going to Los Angeles from Kansai airport via Seoul, but today's work has been cancelled. Where are you now?"

"By the way, what about the monkey? Is he really home?"

"I'll check with Nishida-san. Should I call this phone back? I've been waiting. I'll call you back in five minutes."

The call was cut off. The line at the phone booth continued to grow, but the Manato PHS rang within a quarter of an hour. During that time, Kisa collected as much information as she could about the disasters that had occurred in eastern Japan.

A large explosion occurred somewhere in Kanagawa, and an earthquake was observed over a wide area of ​​eastern Japan. It was reported that the entire Kanagawa area could be devastated.

According to the housekeeper, the earthquake was felt around Tsubakimon's house, but it wasn't severe enough. She saw Saruhiko in the house fifteen minutes before the earthquake occurred, but she noticed that he had run away from the house about five minutes before the earthquake occurred. He must have gone for a walk in silence as usual, and the housekeeper did not rush to find him, thinking that he was a smart boy and that he would come home alone.

"A five-year-old boy doesn't go far in fifteen minutes. At least he wouldn't have been in a place where the damage was so bad. However, Nishida-san is worried about his house, so he will go out today from work."

"I'm going home, I..."

"Are you worried about that child? I made arrangements with the dispatch company to send a representative immediately, and the area around Camellia Gate is safe. The transportation network is now paralyzed. I can't go home soon. It would be foolish that you suffer a secondary disaster. In the event of a disaster, the smartest thing to do is not to run blindly home."

"No way!"

Niki suddenly screamed.

The voice organizing the correct arguments on the phone suddenly stopped.

"I'm going home. I have to see the monkey's face."

Kisa hung up before he could get his voice back.

"Are you going home? In a way, you're a father."

Manato, who received the PHS, shrugged between admiration and boredom.

"It's obvious. Anyone who becomes a father is like that." Ruriko looked at Manato and said to Niki, "Come back whenever you feel like it."

"Well, I don't know if I can continue with the business."

Manato put his hand to his forehead and looked out of the park.

The building in question was in a partially destroyed state. Signs on every floor had collapsed and most of the exterior walls had collapsed, exposing the steel frame.

"It's my rule of thumb, but I've never met a person as a customer "again". Even if you hear the news, he's already dead. Goodbye, take care of yourself and go home. If possible, may you be in good health for forever."

++++++++++

When he started walking in the direction of Camellia Gate, the railway was at a standstill and he couldn't even hail a taxi. The city was full of people acting the exact opposite of what Kisa called "intelligent behavior".

Eventually, the railways in Tokyo seemed to be restored, but he kept walking and in the end it took six hours to get to his house.

He was dizzy because he had only drunk the water the bum gave him six hours ago. He fell against the heavy door and managed to make a hole and roll inside.

He lifted his head as he knelt down. The dim light from the chandelier that did not reach the ground dimly illuminated the entrance hall of the atrium.

As he traced the stairs in front of him with his gaze, he saw a small figure sitting on the edge of the bottom step in a compact residence.

Nikki got up slowly.

The figure was the first to notice that Niki had returned home. The usual reaction used to be to run away, but this time he didn't run away and he was looking at him with round eyes behind the tortoiseshell glasses because of the smallness of his face.

"Are you lonely, monkey? What are you waiting for? Why are you lonely?"

"...Frankenstein."

Saruhiko opened his mouth vaguely.

"Hmm? What did you say?"

"Could it be that you're dead...? Did you die from an explosion...?"

"Eh?"

Saruhiko's eyes turned to Niki's feet.

Those were the feet that had been walking on the asphalt for six hours without shoes. His socks were torn and his toes were badly scraped and bleeding. The hem of his leather pants was also frayed. He still had blood on his temples because he hadn't washed his face since he was beaten in the store last night, and his clothes were a little dirty.

Frankenstein, he agreed with that. He didn't know where Saruhiko got that knowledge at that age.

"Oh, yeah. There was a big explosion today, right? It shook everything. Were you scared?"

Saruhiko shook his head once.

"No way."

"Did you see the huge pillar of fire? Didn't you get scared?"

"I could see it. It didn't scare me at all."

"I see. I was very close to the explosion. So, as the great monkey detective deduced, I died."

Niki spread her hands over his head and showed himself.

"Really...? Did you really die?"

"Oh, so I'll be going to the afterlife soon. Well, in sixty seconds."

Saruhiko's eyes widened. The light from the finely crafted chandelier shone brightly in his eyes. The color of spongy blood inhabited his pale cheeks.

It was clear that the light of hope had shone in Saruhiko's world.

"I came to see the monkey before I went to the other world. So please show me your face up close one last time."

Nikki turned around. Saruhiko hesitated a bit and covered his lips.

"Ok. No, I'm about to disappear. Look, my hand is transparent. You can see it, right?"

Saruhiko showed interest and lifted his hips off the stairs.

"I'm about to disappear! Hey, let's hurry up!"

He fixed his gaze on Niki's outstretched hand, pulled on his socks, grabbed the railing, and lowered himself closer to him. He stopped at the same height as Niki, who was waiting below, and grabbed Niki's thumb and little finger with both hands.

Immediately, his face changed.

Gyu-gyu, he squeezed him a few times to make sure he was real. "Understanding" spread across Saruhiko's face. His face, which had been glowing with hope for a moment, suddenly stiffened and repainted with despair.

"You're not dead!"

Saruhiko let out a hoarse cry and released Niki's chest. The recoil made his socks slip and he landed on the steps behind him. Niki didn't resist and fell backwards into the hall.

"Gyaahahahahahaha! No way! I'm sorry! I was kidding!"

Loud laughter echoed from the vaulted ceiling.

He came home feeling a bit regretful for not having "prepared" anything for that day, but he suddenly thought about it. Anything to scare, annoy or despair the cutest monkey in the world.

However, today seems to have been the best day to return. It was worth waiting until today to "give up the monkey" until he fell into the final stage of withdrawal symptoms.

At the edge of his field of vision, Saruhiko scrambled up the stairs on his back and escaped to the second floor. He couldn't help but laugh at how unnecessarily funny he was.

"Die, die! I'll die laughing! Ahahahahahahaha!"

On July 11, 1999, Niki Fushimi experienced an unprecedented disaster that affected the entire Kanagawa prefecture, outside the disaster area. But that in itself did not arouse any emotion in Niki, nor did it have any effect on him.

The man lived without mixing with the ups and downs of destiny that secretly moved the Dresden Slate.

[ginger-canary]

Blue Roses & Nannerfly Lights

2474 words

Chapters: 1/1

Fandom: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Lucanus Aer'Tea & Jolene Cybin | Mee-Maw, Alanis & Jolene Cybin | Mee-Maw, Alanis/Jolene Cybin | Mee-Maw, Lucanus Aer'Tea & Alanis

Characters: Jolene Cybin | Mee-Maw, Alanis (Not Another D&D Podcast)

Additional Tags: Valentine's Day, do i look like i care that it's march this is a valentine's day fic, This ship started as wouldn't it be funny now here we are, Friends to Lovers

Summary: It's Valentine's day and Jolene misses her home festival. Instead of going home, she brings part of it here as best she can. After all, Alanis is here.

Read on AO3 here or take it from the cut!

Admittedly, Jolene didn’t understand that much about high elven society. There seemed to be a lot of semantics. Entire lectures spent talking about how one spell component isn’t the other even though they’re both green gems. Wizards weren’t sorcerers and apparently that difference was important. But to her they were both just squishy spellcasters who didn’t spend a lot of time outside. The most confusing part of high elven society? The way everything has to be a competition.

Jolene resisted the urge to throw her hands up as she watched a group of illusion students compare their Silent Images and critique each other’s details.

“What’s with the stink-eye?” Alanis popped out of the shadows, leaning against the wall of the tower Jolene had set her backpack against. Her hair was a mess and there were stains on her robes but she was grinning like a maniac.

“Sweet Melora, I told you not to do that! Who even taught you how to shadow step?” She clutched her chest.

Alanis laughed. “Don’t worry about it. So why do you look like you bit into a lemon?”

“Wizards are ridiculous,” Jolene muttered. “The competitive thing’s pissin’ me off again.” She gestured to the illusion students.

Sitting down with her back against the tower, Alanis nodded. “I mean… It’s not something we’re all born with- it’s what’s taught here.” She scratched the back of her neck. “What’s taught at every wizard school. They believe competition helps students improve.”

Jolene huffed, wrinkling her nose. “What it does is breed jealousy and distrust. How would you make friends if at any point they may try to take your job or place in the world for themselves?”

Alanis shrugged. “You find the ones that aren’t infused with hatred and a drive to win at any cost. Or you don’t befriend high elf wizards. You know there’s warlocks and sorcerers around too, right?”

“I technically know they’re there. Don’t ask me to pick ‘em out of a line though.” She sat down next to Alanis, bumping her leg against hers. “So wanna tell me why you look like a mess?”

“Are you going to tell Lucanus what I did?” She raised an eyebrow.

Jolene snorted. “He’ll figure out it was you without my help. So what is it?”

“Well.. wait. Do you know about Valentine’s day here?”

“I know what Valentine’s day is, that’s everywhere. I dunno what y’all do with it but I know about the day.”

“Right, so. Here they handle it by having red and pink food with heart shapes in the dining hall, but also they let people send out roses to people they want to appreciate. Except it’s a bunch of competitive high elves- for the most part- so you know that’s not exactly how it’s being used.”

Jolene raised her eyebrows. “So how is it being used?”

Alanis groaned and rolled her eyes. “There’s some guys who send cursed roses to people who’ve rejected them or bested them in some way. They can explode and leave splatters of paint over the person which’ll stay for several days. Sometimes it’s embarrassing, sometimes they pick something more painful. Either way it’ll be a bad experience for the victim.”

“And none of the staff has ever done somethin’ about it?”

“They try. But the thing about magical roses is that you can’t just detect magic the problem away. Plus they’re pretty sneaky,” she said with a grudging respect.

“So what’s your solution then?”

“Oh, I’ve made it so that anyone who tampers with a rose, casts any kind of spell on it will get the paint splatters.”

Jolene tilted her head from side to side. “Seems like a good enough solution to me. So why shouldn’t Lucanus know about it?”

“He doesn’t love when I mess with things that are ‘none of my business’ and ‘are school property’,” Alanis faked a fancy elf voice.

“Fair enough. I look forward to seeing your results.”

“So what do you do for Valentine’s day?” She leaned forward.

“Ah, for us it’s more or less a festival.” She paused. “Of course I’m here now so I’ll be missing the festival.”

“What does the festival look like?”

Jolene went on to describe the festival full of flowers, romance and silly pranks. The more she talked the more she wondered if maybe she should go home just for a visit. Homesick isn’t something she felt often, but once in a while she missed the simpleness of the Crick. Plus, it was a lot harder to have fun around a bunch of stuck up high elves.

“Wow,” Alanis sighed, propping her head up on her hand, elbow against her knee. “That sounds awesome. I wish I’d gone there as a kid, instead of being forced to give everyone in my class a valentine’s day card when no one else did.” When Jolene raised her eyebrows, Alanis added, “My parents are nicer than the average high elves.”

“I figured.” The bones of an idea were starting to form in the back of her mind. “So other than watching chaos unfold, what’re ya doin’ for Valentine’s day?”

Alanis shrugged. “I dunno, homework probably?”

Jolene rolled her eyes. “Just meet me in the garden at noon, you’re free then right?”

“Dang, you know my schedule. Alright, I will.” She waved at some other wizards in the distance, starting to get up from her spot. “I gotta go work on a project, but I guess I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Bring the themed foods from the lunch hall! Lucanus got tired of my stealing them!” She called after her.

“If he gets mad I’m blaming you!” Alanis yelled back over her shoulder.

Jolene grinned, grabbing her backpack and slinging it over her shoulders. It was time to do some preparing, and she had no clue where to start.

~~~

That next morning, Jolene arrived in the gardens with a backpack full of items and MawMaw on her leash. The possum didn’t quite agree with it but it was a long leash, and Jolene needed to focus. After attaching the end of the leash to one of the normal trees, she dropped her backpack with a thunk.

From there she pulled nannerfly string lights, a large picnic blanket, and her spellcasting focus. “Now MawMaw,” she said, crouching down holding the nannerfly string lights.

MawMaw stopped scrambling around and looked up at her.

“Can you hang these up for me?” Jolene held out the string lights. “Be careful with the nannerflies, we don’t want them to escape.”

With a serious nod, MawMaw took one end of the nannerfly string into her maw, then scrambled up the tree.

While MawMaw arranged the lights, Jolene spread her picnic blanket out under the tree, then took her spellcasting focus. Near the trunk of the tree, she pressed her hands against the soil and focused on all the flowers she wanted to see. Casting Plant Growth, Calla Lilies, Dahlias, Mask flowers and Bleeding Hearts burst out of the ground, spreading over the remainder of the open space and blooming right before her eyes.

Casting Grasping Vine took care of her other nannerfly string lights, and lastly she cast Druid Grove to make sure the area wouldn’t be trampled by random wizards. Sitting down on the picnic blanket, she pulled the last items from her backpack and spread them out. A flask of crick water (naturally), some sodas from home, and a tupperware of homemade jambalaya. Melora, it had been hard to find a crawdad around these parts. Sitting back, she admired her work when MawMaw interrupted her with a noise.

MawMaw had managed to intertwine the nannerfly fairy lights with the branches just so that they were in the shape of a heart and was looking down at Jolene proudly.

“Thank you, buddy.” She reached a hand out and MawMaw scrambled down to receive the pets. “Now we wait, hm?”

It didn’t take long for Alanis to appear, her robes once again a mess but grinning. Behind her floated a rose. “Hey, happy Valentine’s day. Thanks for the rose.”

Jolene grinned. “Course. Happy Valentine’s day.” She got up and hugged Alanis.

“So, I uh.” Alanis tucked her hand inside her robes and pulled out a rose that was stained a violent blue. “I tried to send you a rose.. But the rose didn’t want to go to you because you’re not technically a student… so it cursed me.” She held out the rose, blushing.

“You were pricked by your own thorns,” she laughed. “Really that seems about right.” She eyed the large splotches of blue dye on Alanis’ robes. “I still appreciate it.” Taking the blue rose, she pulled Alanis down onto the picnic blanket. “What’d ya think? It’s hard to have a place like this reflect the Crick but in this garden, ‘s pretty good.”

Alanis smiled. “It’s so pretty. I love the lights and the flowers, it must’ve taken a lot of effort. Oh, I brought some food.” She slung her backpack off her shoulders and started digging through. “They didn’t love it but, y’know.” She shrugged. From a tupperware she pulled some heart shaped donuts, raspberry turnovers, and a piece of red velvet cake.

Jolene wrinkled her nose. “Damn they put a lot of sugar in these, huh?”

“I mean, yeah. They want it to taste good,” she laughed.

From behind her back Jolene grabbed her jambalaya. “Listen, things can taste great without being sweet. Ye ever had this?”

“What is it?”

She popped the lid off the tupperware. “Jambalaya. Try it, I made it this morning.” Jolene held out a spoon.

Alanis tentatively took a bite. “I like it. It’s different from what I'm used to, but it’s nice.”

“We eat this a lot back home… It’s basically impossible to make here, though.”

“Why?”

“Y’all barely have crawdads, I had to go fishing and it was weirdly hard.”

She raised her eyebrows. “What does fishing look like for you?”

Jolene mimed sticking her hand into a river. “You just- you just grab one. I had to lurk over your ancient moat for so long!”

Alanis snorted. “Your definition of fishing is fascinating. Thank you for showing me your food, I wish we were shown more cultures here. They’re so obsessed with being high elves and being wizards.” She rolled her eyes. “I guess when you live for 500 years you have a long ass time to get attached to your own culture and ignore others.”

Jolene shrugged. “I left the Crick for a reason. It’s great to appreciate your own culture but if you want to see anything outside of it, it’s easier to find that outside of your home.” She grabbed her own spoon.

“That’s fair.” Alanis eyed Jolene. “Sometimes the culture comes to you, though.”

The two ate the jambalaya in a comfortable silence, stealing looks and pointing out cool details in the garden. When the jambalaya was gone, Alanis pulled out her wizardry book.

“What’re you doing?”

“Looking for a spell to fix the sugary things I found for us so you can also enjoy them.” She flipped the pages.

She smiled quietly, watching Alanis’ eyes narrow in concentration, speeding through the book.

“Ugh, pages and pages of spells but nothing to alter this food,” Alanis sighed. “I could set it on fire or freeze it?”

Jolene laughed. “I could just send MawMaw to go find some hot sauce?”

“Yeah, that seems like a better idea.” She slammed her spellbook shut.

With MawMaw off to find some hot sauce, Jolene and Alanis cracked the Crick sodas and settled against the large tree. Alanis wrapped her arm around Jolene, idly playing with the straps of Jolene’s overalls. “You know, I’m really glad I got to know you.”

Jolene leant her head against Alanis’ shoulder. “Feeling’s mutual. I know I haven’t been around for that long but this place isn’t particularly friendly to me and I think it would’ve been a lot worse without you.” She looked at the blue stains on her robes and grinned. “Not just any wizard would take a paint bomb to send me a rose.”

“Laundry day is going to suck,” Alanis said as she plucked at her robes, showing that her leggings were also stained. “I ruined so many clothes this week.”

“I do that all the time. Not with magic paint but, y’know.” She traced the stains. “I think you look more fun like this.”

“I will admit I’ve tried to go to class in my messy robes and they didn’t love it.” Alanis shrugged.

Jolene rolled her eyes. “Well, I do. I think you look cool as hell.” She tangled her fingers in the robes.

Alanis made eye contact with her. “That’s all that matters.”

She stared at Alanis’ mouth. “At the risk of readin’ this moment wrong… Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah.”

Jolene grabbed Alanis by the front of her robes, swinging a leg over her lap and sat down on her lap. She traced Alanis’ jawline and smiled. “Oh Melora, you are so fun,” she whispered. And she kissed her.

Alanis tangled one hand in Jolene’s red hair, the other pulling her closer by the overall strap when they broke apart. “Fuck, Jolene,” she sighed.

She grinned and bit her lip. “I mean…” Her eyes flicked down, taking in the way their bodies pressed together.

Before Alanis could respond, MawMaw reappeared.

She scrambled into view and dropped a bottle of hot sauce onto the picnic blanket with a thud.

“Always with the incredible timing, MawMaw.” But Jolene reached out and scratched MawMaw behind the ears.

MawMaw chittered, then went for the red velvet cake without a single moment of hesitation.

“Oh no, is that good for her?” Alanis tentatively reached out a hand to attempt to pull that cake away- at the risk of being bit.

Jolene caught her wrist. “It’s fine, she’s my animal companion, she’s made of sturdier stuff.” But she did make sure to tuck the other sweets into the tupperware before MawMaw could eat them all. “Besides, I think she’ll like it more than us.”

She placed her hand on Jolene’s hip, hooking a finger into the belt loop. “I’ll admit my focus has shifted.”

Jolene moved her hand to the neck of Alanis’ robes, fingertips brushing against her skin. “Alanis…”

“Yeah?” She made eye contact.

“I’ve been learnin’ y’all like things to be private. Do you wanna go somewhere more private?” Her face heated up, blush spreading across her cheeks.

Alanis smiled. “I’m good. I got all I need right here.” She pulled Jolene in for another kiss.

Underneath the large tree in the college garden, invisible to most, lay a very full possum on a picnic blanket. Next to that, Alanis and Jolene kissed each other like there was no tomorrow. After all, it was Valentine’s day.

[eatingstringcheese]

first day - aizawa family

in which it's y/n's first day UA, and they forget their lunch

warnings: none except i wrote this when i was 13 and i think it's gross but my friend wanted me to reupload it

"Dad!" Y/n called through the house. "Come on Dad we're gonna be late!"

A tired Shouta Aizawa shuffled through the door of the house. "Y/n, it is six in the morning, you don't need to yell."

"But Dad!" Y/n spoke with a childlike whine. "It's my first day at UA. I can't be late!"

Aizawa groaned at his only child. "I'm teaching your class, you won't be late."

Y/n stood in front of their father, hands on hips. "Come on! You're extra grouchy this morning."

Aizawa rolled his eyes and began walking down the sidewalk with Y/n, following the path he'd memorized in his years of UA teaching.

The pair had arrived at the school entrance, Y/n in awe despite seeing the building numerous times beforehand. This would be the first time they'd walk in to learn on the Hero course instead of delivering lunch to their forgetful father.

"I thought you didn't want to be late."

"Sorry!" Y/n ran after their father, almost running into a green-headed boy. They turned around and waved at him in apology. "Sorry about that!" They gave the green boy a smile and went back to chasing down their father.

"Y/n, you can't be in the teacher's lounge anymore, you're a student now."

Y/n puckered their bottom lip and pouted. "I just wanted to say hi to some of the teachers!"

"And you can do that when they teach your class. Now run along."

Y/n sighed, slinging their backpack over their shoulder when a booming voice came from high above their head.

"Aizawa!" All Might grinned at his colleague. He turned to Y/n, who was standing next to Aizawa. "Who's this?" He gestured to Y/n, clad in the standard green bottoms, wite polo, gray blazer, and red tie.

"This is my kid, Y/n Aizawa." Aizawa grumbled out, sipping his fourth cup of coffee.

Y/n looked at the tall blond in awe. "You're All Might!"

"I am! And you're Y/n Aizawa."

Y/n nodded with fervor. "Are you teaching at UA?"

All Might grinned and placed his hands on his hips. "I am here!" He paused for a glory moment after his catch phrase. "To teach the young minds that will shape our society!"

Y/n nodded. "That's super cool!"

Aizawa looked at the clock. "Y/n, go on to your classroom, the bell will ring soon."

Y/n nodded, bouncing over to their father to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Love ya Dad!" They waved goodbye and left the teachers lounge.

Y/n entered the 1-A classroom, the sound of crosstalk filled their ears. A boy with glasses was waving at an ash-blond who had his feet on the desk.

The red-eyed boy scoffed. "Did your old school put a stick up your ass or were you born with it?" He said with a chuckle.

On the other side of the room was a small group. A bubblegum pink girl was the first to notice the newest arrival. She bounded over to Y/n with a smile.

"I'm Mina Ashido! What's your name?" Ashido grinned, sticking out her hand.

Y/n shook Ashido's hand with a smile. "Y/n Aizawa."

"Y/n sit in your seat."

Y/n nodded at the voice behind them. "Yes dad."

Y/n had chosen a seat in the back row, close enough to hear who ever was teaching but far enough to goof off with their new friends.

A laugh came from Denki Kaminari, pointing at Y/n. "Your mom's gay."

Ashido, Kirishima, Sero, and Y/n burst into laughter, stopping when a knock came from the door. Everyone's attention turned to the new arrival.

A tall blond entered the room with a smile. "Y/n, Shouta." The tall man set a pair of bento boxes on Aizawa's desk. "You forgot your lunches." He smiled, kissing his husband on the cheek and waving to Y/n before exiting the room.

"Actually, both of my dads are gay." Y/n grinned at Kaminari.

lmk if u wanna be added to the taglist :) like n reblog if u enjoyed <3

[lazaefair]

15 Questions

Tagged by @astrabear, thank you!

Are you named after anyone? Nope! My parents went through some kind of convoluted line of reasoning involving two different languages and arrived at a name that doesn't correspond to a conventional name in either one.

When was the last time you cried? Today, when I was writing a response email to my cousin about my aunt's recent passing.

Do you have kids? Never.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? I'm a '90s kid who hit adolescence around when Joss Whedon was the nerd culture king, so, no. I haven't honed my expressionless delivery of ironic statements to a fine art in any way at all.

What's the first thing you notice about people? Facial hair and mouth shape. I find eye contact intensely uncomfortable, so I tend to look at the lower half of people's faces.

What's your eye color? Brown-black.

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings! The world is shit, I don't need to be told this fictionally as well.

Any special talents? I am very, very good at spelling. (American English, but I have a pretty good handle on British English, too.)

Where were you born? The U.S. Pacific Northwest.

What are your hobbies? Besides giving over my time and pieces of my soul to mindless social media scrolling, you mean? Writing fanfic (sometimes), making graphics and fanvids (allegedly), editing @thisweekinfandomhistory (or rather, procrastinating on it), running @oldguardbigbang (when it's going), baking (except when I'm trying to reduce sugar consumption), photography (when I can be bothered), and playing the piano (once in a blue moon).

Do you have any pets? Two - a small fluffy white yapper named Kingsley and a goofy husky named Lilly. They are very good dogs, even when they troll each other and upset their food bowls so kibble ends up scattered fucking everywhere. :)

What sports do you play/have you played? I have not.

How tall are you? Solidly average.

Favorite subject in school? During K-12, probably English, because it was the easiest for me and therefore (I know now) the least impacted by my undiagnosed ADHD.

Dream job? I honestly don't know. I'm pretty happy with mine right now, but of course I'd be even happier with it if I was paid more, so like. The answer to this question truthfully depends on the definition of "job" and whether it exists in a society where we have to work to stay alive.

Not going to tag fifteen people, but here are a few: @northstarfan @agent-aurelie @iwritesometimes @poemsingreenink @rompofotters @avi17 @the73rdpostscript @brigdh @boutiquetraveltravelboutique

[xeo-kunsatan]

Haiku Caramel

Meet Haiku Caramel a Bard Witch

Age: 20

Race: Mobian Dog (Akita Inu)/Witch.

Neutral Magic/Bard Magic

Family: Unknown Witches (death) Hanna (Dead Mother).

Backstory

Haiku Born from a family of dog witches (mostly specialized in neutral or black magic).

In old times in the Mobian Society, the witches were considered a threat for the society, when a witch was found was quickly burned alive, and Haikus family wasnt the exception, he was just a 7 years child when a whole town found out his family practiced witchcraft and with no mercy burned alive his whole family and his Mother in front his eyes while he had to runaway from the town.

He was lonely but had to continue because his mother before died told him

¨¨Always Face everything with a Smile and play since your heart¨¨.

Until he was found by the Principals from Quartz Academy: Badhir and Elian (Twin Owl Witches) and raised by them, as well Haiku developed his magical skills and give himself to the Bard Magic (Neutral Magic) and obtained his own Bard Items.

At Growing old, he started to found a Job in the city of Mobius to overcome his traumas and give another chance to the Normal mobians, until he found a Job as Co Admin of Shadow the Heghehogs who runned a Departaments building (Look in my Universe Shadow is entrepreneur xd) as well the Baby sitter of his foster Baby Tempest (Also here Shadow is Single dad, Padre Luchon xd), also with the time falling in love with the same Shadow.

If you ask why the heck Shadow has a Building departaments? Gun gave that building to him and as Shadow didnt really have a fucking idea in what to do with that building he started to rent the departaments.

Hobbies

During his free time Haiku tends to attend the garden of the rooftop from Shadows Building (Also uses his magic to make the plants grow but when no one is watching) and play the violin there (A normal one, not the Wand because the CHAOOS!!), ride in his own motorcycle (Scooter type xd), dancing in that same garden when no one is watching (he is shy xd) and assits to the same Cafeteria

Phobias and Fears

Haiku Suffers of Ligirofobia and Arsonphobia, everytime he hears an explosion, the sound of fireworks or he sees fire, he enters into a huge panic attack and will quickly found a place to hide or turn himself into a scared fluff ball.

He is Also afraid of someone who discovers he is a witch and being judged and rejected or worst if they could try to kill him.

Natural Skills:

Hyper Howl

Hyper bite

Same skills of a normal dog

Magic Skills: All his spells depends of Haiku in playing the violin and depends a lot of the melody and how much he has the control on it.

Hypnotizing Melody (Depends of the melody he plays with the Vanilla Wand) (Bard Magic)

Chlorokinesis (Neutral Magic)

Hydrokinesis (Neutral Magic)

Potions creation.

Dark Holes Creation (Black Magic)

Curation ( White Magic)

Streght support (Neutral Magic)

Inmortality (When a Mobian becomes into a witch, becomes into a Long lived being or in case of the most powerful or higher witches immotarls).

Magic Items:

Vanilla Bag: Is a magic bag where anything can be storage there, even if its bigger than it own size

Melody Wand: Is a Violin form wand where Haiku can make his spells, as well this wand can shapeshift at its owner own to certain items (only a vroom but Haiku rarely uses this shape)

Personallity

Brave, a little stubborn, a little shy, Sensitive as fuck (he doesnt admit it) Gentle and chill, but he can become very affectionate and soft when he enters in confidence (even more if he finds a lover), as well he can be very aggresive when someone threats his beloved ones.

All his corporal expressions and lenguage are mostly found in his tail:

So if he gets in love, its very happy or very angry, his tail will reveal it.

[guiltywisdom]

What do you think of Joyofsatan.org? They claim to follow the Sumerian God Enki-Satan, they’re pro-choice, they follow gay Pagan Gods and they’re the largest Satanist group in the world.

Enki is the name of a god in the Sumerian, Akkadian, Assyrian and Babylonian pantheon who is one of the Anunnaki; the Anunnaki being the name of the children of the gods An and Ki, the god of the heavens and the goddess of earth respectively and their primary function was to decree the fates of humanity. Enki was originally the patron god of the city of Eridu but later his influence would spread throughout Mesopotamia and to the Canaanites, Hittites and Hurrians. Enki would later be known as Ea (or Ae) in the Akkadian language (the Assyrian-Babylonian region) and is identified by some scholars with Ia in the Canaanite religion. The name was also often rendered as Aos in Greek sources. At least one scholar believes that Enki originally began as a divine high priest in a subordinate position to a goddess (possibly Ninhursag) and that his role would later develop into his high position (Steinkeller, 1999). It was said that Enki was the keeper of divine powers called “Me”, that is “the gifts of civilization” which were divine orders said to help create, shape and order society. As such he was considered the god of “all wisdom” and magic.

The word “Satan” is of Hebrew origin. Ha Satan or “the satan” is the position of various angels wherein they act as “prosecutor” in a heavenly court, testing the faith and loyalty of the followers of the Abrahamic God (YHVH). Ha Satan acts on behalf of God, attempting to tempt humans into sinning so that they may accuse them in a heavenly courtroom. Often Ha Satan is referred to as a or the “devil", which descends from the Greek “diabolos”, meaning “slanderer” and in the New Testament the word “satan” and “diabolos” are used interchangeably as synonyms. In a modern mainstream understanding of Judaism each person is born with free will and is morally neutral; both born with yetzer hatov (the good inclination) and yetzer hara (the evil inclination). As such, in some forms of Judaism “satan” is merely an idiom or parable, rather than any actual being.

The Sumerian Enki and the Hebrew Satan have almost no connection whatsoever, excepting of course that their surrounding cultures are both from the same general area of the Middle East. I hope you’ve enjoyed your history lesson as much as I enjoyed putting it together. Remember that the “Anunnaki” are NOT aliens and that Joy of Satan Ministries are run by the wife of the white supremacist Clifford Herrington, Andrea Herrington (aka Andrea Maxine Dietrich).

[fridge-reviews]

The Talos Principle 2

Developer: CroTeam Publisher: Devolver Digital Steam Deck Compatibility?: Verified Rrp: £24.99 (Humble, Steam and Epic) Released: 2nd November 2023 Available on: Humble, Steam and Epic Played Using: Mouse and Keyboard Approximate game length: 30+

Normally I would write a little story based on the game the review is about. However, this time I have a story that the first Talos Principle tangentially relates to. The first Talos Principle poses a question regarding souls and if machines can attain them. It also asks another question which is; Is a soul something you imprint upon through your life like a lump of clay or do you become moulded into the shape of your soul as you grow. I found this question interesting and posed it to my best friend (who I knew would love a debate on something like that) and she and I discussed it, or rather, we argued about it. During that argument we asked her partner what he thought. His response disappointed us both as he had no opinion at all about it, not even as a thought experiment. They broke up shortly after. So anyway, that's how the Talos Principle broke my friend's relationship…

This game is set in a world where all of humanity has long since gone extinct… Well, all organic humans are anyway. You may be wondering why would I state specifically ‘organic humans’? That’s because there are sentient robots that call themselves humanity and consider us (the organic ones) to be their ancestors. In this game, as it was with the last game, you play as one of those robots. In the first game you were the first of your kind to be born into the real world and in this one you are the last, specifically the one thousandth. You being the last one is apparently a big deal and so you walk out to a large celebration. A celebration that is short lived as it gets interrupted by Prometheus himself, or at least a representation of him. He just manages to command your race to investigate a distant island before being dragged off by Pandora. It seems something big is occurring and so you and a small team jet off to this mystery island.

As is to be expected a new game comes with new puzzles and mechanics, such as the RGB splitter that requires two coloured beams of light to create a third, such as red and blue to make green. There are also a lot of puzzles, within each of the nine biomes there are eight ‘main’ puzzles, two ‘lost’ puzzles, two statue puzzles and a golden gate puzzle that can only be accessed in the late game. There are actually more than that but telling more would be something of a spoiler.

The puzzles are scattered across each biome and are numbered from one to eight (except the two lost puzzles, the statues and the golden gate) and each biome introduces a new mechanic for you to utilise. While you don’t have to go through them in numerical order, I do strongly suggest that you at least start with puzzle number one before trying the others if only to get an understanding of the new mechanic being shown to you.

Hidden around the biomes are two ‘Sparks of Prometheus’, you can use these sparks to skip a puzzle. Though it takes three sparks to skip a single puzzle and there are only eighteen sparks to be found in the entire game, so if you do decide to use them be sparing with them.

As I mentioned in the story at the beginning of this review, the previous game posed a philosophical question ‘Can a machine have a soul? And if so is the soul developed over time or granted in full at creation?’ It seems the first half of that question was answered, so now this game poses many more questions such as if knowledge should be sought out for its own sake, the nature of self determinism and the direction that the new human society should take.

In the last game there was a journal that was accessed with the [Tab] key, in this game the journal has been replaced with something of a status screen. While in this screen you can read information on the things your companions have found, check the clues that the sphinx statues give, relisten to the voice logs you find (which will continue to play out of the status screen) and you can interact with the games social media. That’s right the new humans in this game have created some kind of twitter analog, thankfully this version is actually moderated and the discussions generally don’t get insulting or abrasive. You can, of course, ignore it however I would encourage you not to as the short conversations you have on there have an impact on certain events that happen in the story.

While in the first game you were all alone, struggling your way through the various puzzles. In this game you actually have companions that wander around the various biomes, they won’t help you with the puzzles at all, that’s your job, but they will want to speak to you about the various things you discover as you play. I really like the inclusion of these characters as they add moments of levity and sometimes an alternative perspective on the various subjects this game likes to throw at you. Plus some of the characters I genuinely grew to like and would seek them out for a conversation whenever something important happened just to hear what they had to say.

I have to say that Croteam certainly do create a beautiful looking game, the various vistas are absolutely stunning to look at. Bear in mind that the screenshots are from my rig which is running just a little over the minimum specifications. I will admit it does make me a little sad to see that Croteam are no longer using their own engine, they really have shown that they know what they're doing with the Unreal 5 engine.

On Steam Deck this game runs flawlessly. However, some of the puzzles (especially the ones that require you to do things outside of the various puzzle enclosures) can be very difficult to see simply due to the screen size.

If you like puzzles then this is a game I can highly recommend. I had an absolute blast playing through this, to the point that I found every secret, completed every puzzle and found the alternative ending. There aren't many games that get me to do that.

If this appeals to you perhaps try;

The Talos Principle Portal 2 Quantum Conundrum

----

If you’d like to support me I have a Ko-fi, the reviews will continue to be posted donation or not.

[shaisuki]

Hiiiii it's the anon who sent the anon message about reading your Itoshi Rin smuts before falling asleep HAHA! After revisiting your blog, u have no idea how bIG my eyes went when you posted a reply, especially when I kept brainstorming ideas (smut most of the time) on what I should request from you! ;;; "Should it be Omegaverse dynamic with Alpha!Rin? How about a wholesome moment that can lead to smut or something yandere where Rin discovers that he has feelings for chubby!fem?? What about an Owl shapeshifter! Rin where chubby gurl had to take care of him when she saw Owl!Rin in bad shape?? What about Rin reluctantly playing a dating simulator because of Bachira's dare and soon falling in love with a character who is chubby!fem (this one is inspired when I was playing BlueLock world champion but it's not an otome game-- but hey! I help mah husband get better at soccer <3) There are so many things... That's why I only mentioned 4... You can pick from any of them if you'd like :DD

A CLAIM FOR NEED

ALPHA! ITOSHI RIN X OMEGA! CHUBBY READER

content warnings ─── omegaverse, alpha! rin, omega reader pretending to be a beta, mating, marking, knotting, rutting, noncon/duncon, breeding, sabotage, dacryphilia, marking, scenting, cunnilingus, stalking, inaccurate details about omegaverse. do forgive me, it's my first time writing.

notes. i'll call you rin anon. i'll gladly write your ideas nonnie. you're a fucking genius and this ideas are simply superb and i had a hard time choosing all of your ideas and my inbox and messages are always open for you nonnie. i hope i did this one justice T_T.

ᝰ synopsis .ᐟ hiding your status as an omega didn't escape from the heightened senses of the popular alpha in your school and with this, he has the right to claim you.

“i don't know.”

“will she be okay?”

"society is unkind with the likes of hers."

it gets repetitive. how your mother worries about you. it's the same damned words like you were helpless. being born an omega you were doomed or more likely unfortunate. society is now crawling with alphas, who are the dominant and top of the hierarchy. betas who are in the middle with their average roles in society and omegas. the very bottom whose role is to serve and be submissive for their alphas and have their pups. you've grown to hate from what you're born in. a female omega, nonetheless. you could have been an alpha or a beta who lives in not so demanding roles for them.

growing up, you learn how to blend and to pretend to be a beta to protect yourself. dosing yourself with the right amount of heat suppressants. learn to act like one. not too demure or dominant at things. you've done anything just to avoid suspicions of being the lower of the crop. your mother insisting that this is the way you'll be safe until your rightful mate will claim you and to avoid being raped by an alpha who's in a rut. you don't want to be shamed and the latter regretting for fucking you.

aside from that, you don't look like the typical omega. while they have the lithe and smaller bodies, yours was softer and bigger than the typical omega. you were grateful for it. nobody had ever raised suspicions on you being a omega.

well, for the untrained ones and hasn't sharpened their instincts no one but for those who mastered and got their senses honed to detect, you were hopeless but it's the adults who are mated and you only get a raised brows from them and a nod understanding your situation.

except for one, itoshi rin.

your school's soccer superstar and an alpha. unlike any other students who are still exploring their traits, rin had developed his. too mature for his own good and too dominant. always have shown his superiority and exudes dominance in others without efforts. despite this and his growing popularity in school. rin is still an unmated alpha. the number of omegas surrounds him and hoped to be his mate but never approached him, not risking to be rejected. there's wooing and courting but he paid them no mind.

alphas like rin is the people you avoid. you had heard and met with accidents with omegas going to an early heat due to alphas emitting pheromones even it's unintentional and you don't want to end up like them even with your heat suppressants. you don't want to blow up your cover. it's the only way to make you safe.

interactions can't be avoided wether it's a brief passing in the hallways and or in the same room with rin, you felt uncomfortable. maybe you're too protected or not used to his domineering presence. it gives you the creeps and you don't want setting your heat early with alphas like rin surrounding you.

it wasn't hard to notice you. rin wasn't in a rush to mate or claim someone in his own desires. he's a rising superstar. he couldn't be bothered with such needs. an alpha like him could get everything he wants when he desired when he's in the top of his own career but there's always a rock in his way and it's you. from the day he first met you, he knew you were hiding something from these society. you were an omega pretending to be a beta. it's unheard of but it's possible. you were the proof it and everyone's stupid for not noticing it.

pretend all you want but it didn't escape him your alluring scent and the small habits omegas have. the frown etched in your face when you're surrounded or near the alphas or how you avoid the crowd. his keen sense of smell taking a whiff of your scent permeating in the air. undetected by others but to him it's always the first whenever you're near. warm honey being drizzled in freshly baked goods and it reminds of him of the happy times. rin had enough troubles but it wasn't bad to claim you. a omega pretending to be a beta. it would be interesting.

rin understands when wanting someone like you, it would be difficult. he tried his advances to you but it only backfires on him. you were too eluded. always avoiding him like his presence suffocates you. brief conversations and a nod when you avoid him just to pass suspicions from you being an omega but you could be careless at times. play dumb with him and he'll show you whose stupid for refusing him.

what simple would turn complicated when rin and his alpha inside him screams for you. needed you. not wanting to scare you from him and to claim you. mark you as his and be his mate forever. you will give him strong, healthy pups with that soft, plump body of yours. ready to be bred and marked by him.

rin had known your certain habits on blending with everyone and that little secret of pretending someone you're not. oh, it would bear fruit from his hard labors from getting you out of that made up status of yours. why would you pretend someone you're not. Is it the fear of being deemed as useless? proving that you can be independent? rin could give you that. he'll use you until you fully submit to him. freedom? he can't do nothing much from that when you'll be his. he will give you all the love and pampering that any omega can have. he will make sure of it.

then rin started to create his own ways to get you. far as getting from stealing your heat suppressants. getting your medical records in the nurse's office. memorizing your heat cycles and the subtle release of pheromones to get you in heat. he knows by doing this it will be a way to get you closer to him and make your omega need him. it's almost there, he needed to be patient.

you got used to the idea of being a beta that you forgot to be an omega sometimes. years of mastery with the intention of self-preservation was always on your mind. wanting a life of your own choice and not run by the instinct from the traits you were born in. perhaps you're one in a million. seen the cruelness and unfairness the society have to offer for someone like you.

looking at the nearly empty seats in the classrooms with a few students gearing up to go home. you decided it was time for you. cleaning the clutters in your desk and putting your chair after getting your bag then you went to replace your shoes placing your indoor shoes inside the shoe locker and began to go home. passing in the football field and that's when you began to notice the changes in your body. you had been going back and forth in the restrooms for today and getting a little moodier than the usual. it's a sign that you're going into heat in the next days and the heat suppressants you were taking lately seemed to taste a little different? you shrugged it off. this isn't the first time it happened to you and you were kind of glad. you still have the time to formulate what kind of excuses to make for your absences due to your heat. you should go home now, noticing the sun going down for the moon to show. you began to walk away.

upon walking you notice someone else is going towards your way. it's just a student going back for something they forgot and upon closer look and the scent of him, you recognized it was itoshi rin. you tried not to flinch and dread settled in your stomach. you don't want to be around him, not with the telltale signs of your incoming heat and risking of finding out that you were pretending. you could almost let out a sigh of relief before a voice called you.

"i think you forgot something." his voice echoing in the quietness of the place. turning around, your eyes widens. rin stands there in his lax posture, holding out a bottle of your supposedly heat suppressants. you swallowed the lump in your throat and composing yourself in front of him. feigning innocence and what he was implying at you.

"it's not mine and i don't take those." you calmly stated. looking at the bottle of pills in his hands and to his face. he doesn't show any emotions. examining the bottle in his grasp. "oh, really?" he asks you in a neutral voice. his words next doesn't prepare you from the chills creeping up in your spine.

"you're not a beta, are you? i'm sure of it." his teal eyes getting cloudy at his accusations at you. the words got stuck in your throat. you can only shake your head at him and you were a bit angry at him for making such accusations at you when it's true and you have your own decision for this one.

"you can fool everyone but not to me. an omega like you pretending to be a beta, how foolish." there's a condescending tone in his voice like it was foolish to pretend and it stung. easy for him to say that. he was born an alpha. he didn't had to go through difficulties like you had.

rin could smell the sudden change in your scent. it's smells something burnt. he may have upset you and he can see you chewing your lips.

your shoulders shakes. he doesn't have the right to tell you that. "yeah. i'm pretending to be one. so what? it's none of your business." you snapped at him. angry and frustrated at the world for being born an omega. "i have my reasons and if that bothers you that much, leave me..."

the words dies at their own. suddenly you can't continue. the world starts to spin and you were feeling lightheaded. your heart rate spiking up and you caught the scent of pheromones in full blast. the earthy tones of his scent invading your senses and you can't help the need to submit to him but you fought the urge to do so. with the last of your remaining senses and not your omega controlling your feelings you ran away from him.

after that you made sure you were far from him. there were tears of frustration rolling in your cheeks. all of your pretend, your hard work crumbling for that one confrontation. the streets were empty. kamakura wasn't a populous place in the first place and only known for tourists spot's. looking around, you were alone which is good. leaving you with a problem of your own. itoshi rin, the school's superstar knows your secret. he won't be that cruel to tell the world that you're a omega pretending to be a beta, right?

you were broke out in your thoughts when you feel the all too familiar cramp in your stomach. you though you couldn't breath, followed by a warm gush of slick between your legs and you were delirious.

no. no. no. no.

this couldn't be happening. no fucking way. the stress and rin blasting his pheromones at you must have triggered your heat. you couldn't do anything but to feel helpless.

stupid. stupid. stupid.

you were so angry at yourself for being an omega, for being you. how could you handle your heat alone when you're from home and you don't want to walk in the streets with you on heat. think. you need to think. remembering that there is safety rooms for when omegas set their heat on early until it passes out.

rin watched as you ran away from him. he could really give the effect he have on you. what you sow is what you reap and rin could finally get you. the confrontation that just happened and your heat coming early from him emitting his scent and how you're body reacted from it. you are to be his mate and no one could say so from it.

with your heat triggering, it doesn't take too long to trigger his. allowing him to sync with your heat and his rut, with that he's rightfully your mate. all it needs is to find and knot and claim you.

following you with the trail of your scent in the air. rin found you distressed and on the verge of tears. such a sight to behold. your toughness and made-up personality slowly crumbling for your heat to take over. it made him drool, wiping and he can feel the familiar tightness of his pants and the snarl in his lips. the desire burning in his insides.

the air in your lungs leaves you as you topple and your back hitting the hard tile of one of the rooms designated for omegas who got their early heat. your mind in a haze as you got pinned down and the scent of an alpha belonging to rin. from the way his eyes are wide and dilated and the indescribable strength he have. he's in a rut. that frightens you, you don't want this.

all of your life being an omega isn't something you can describe as pleasant even your mother who is one can say the same thing. you were conceived early, crushing your mother's dream. you don't want suffering in the same fate as hers.

it's instinct they say, for alphas and omegas to mate but with the likes of rin, it's a form of mockery. it's a way of saying you don't have a freedom for yourself to choose. the thought bringing tears to your eyes. you don't want this and a form of rebellion of this life who had nothing but to loathe the likes of you, you rejected him.

"i don't want you."

rin halts his movements. surprised at the words coming from your mouth. rejecting him. you're a stubborn one and he thought omegas are submissive. you're the flawed one in the system or it's the effects of the heat suppressants and the mindset of being a beta for too long.

"brave of you to deny me but i can knock some sense in you or would you like me to knock you up, huh? knock you up with my pups and be a good omega of mine."

he can sense another shift in you. your scent getting sweeter and your squirming lessening. it's like you were slowly entering in subspace. your omega instincts kicking in against your own will. you're an interesting one and rin loves that. it would be easier for him to mark you. always had been his desire. the sudden change bringing pride to him and his alpha getting territorial by the minute. you were ready.

"you want that, 'mega? want to carry my pups?"

he taunts and he didn't give you a word to reply, only to crash his lips into yours. the aggressive muscle of his mouth clashing into yours. claiming the insides of your mouth and swirling it inside and with your instincts, you returned it with such fervor. drool escaping in the corners of your mouths. it was the sloppy, wet and aggressive kind of kiss that reflects the desire.

what once holding your wrists now wanders in the expanse of your body and it finds in the home of your uniform's buttons before it was ripped. the sound of your clothing being teared resonating in the place.

a string of saliva connecting on both of your lips when rin broke the kiss. too impatient and greedy. sweat beading in his forehead. pants too tight to be comfortable and fuck, your scent is intoxicating.

you're helpless under him. too dizzy to function and you can't help but to think this will be the end of your days as free.

"please, no." there is that voice in yours that still surfaces despite your raging hormones. the want not to succumb in being mated. you valued being free than anything.

this seems to anger rin. his aggression heightening towards you and from your words. why the hell did you not want to be mated when you two are destined and had this unbreakable bond of being mates. he believed in that for too long. to know the differences between love and just a simple logic of instincts.

he cups your jaw in his hand. squishing the flesh with his fangs baring. snarling and seething with anger from your refusal. is it that hard or you were too corrupted in your thinking.

"why must you deny me? you're mine from the moment i set my eyes on you!" his voice furious and you can't help but to wince. the tears freely rolls in your cheeks.

this affected rin, seeing how hurt and distressed you are from being forced by him. he can't help it. why you must hurt him too. you were his. can you just accept that? it would be easier for him and to you. he'll be good to you.

although frustrated at your defiance at him, he instinctively scents you. let his scent calm you. it takes effect when your tears are nothing but streaks. engulfed in the scent of him with the aroma of something primal and crisp.

it eases rin when you've calmed down a bit. alphas are know to have to little or no self-restraint at all but rin is different. trained himself to have control when it comes to time where he'll be mated to his rightful mate. a contrast to what he did to you.

you were his. it always was. they say alphas are drawn to what what their mates smells like and it came to a surprise to him when a beta like you possessing such qualities a omega have and thus born his suspicions and the confirmation bringing an edge to it. it's also whenever you're near, he's content and fulfilled. you were his destined mate. the piece of the missing part of his puzzle. it was his right to claim you no matter what your reasons are.

you were calm. dangerously calm. your fears and worries fading as you inhale to the scent of his. your heart fluttering and you can't help but to look at him. intense and stoically handsome. the lines in his faces defined. this was your alpha. who claims you to be his and yet, this will be the time you will finally succumb to your desires. this was nature.

"alpha..."

mewling at him and rin could feel the surge of pride bubbling in his chest. his sweet omega calling out to him. your hands raising in attempt of reaching out to him. your eyes lidded and pleading for him. this is the real of you. no more pretending, no hiding from him.

rin holds your wrists and like any other alpha would do their omega. he brought it to his lips, nuzzling into the scent gland in your wrists and you squirmed. there's a hiccup followed by your thighs rubbing each other.

he can smell the sweet arousal dripping out from your cunt. he couldn't wait to get a taste out of it.

his lovely omega. kissing your wrists and your arms before leaning down to kiss you. his lips moving to your mouth, then to your jaw and the scent gland in your neck where he can smell you. the sweet scent tickling his nose making his nostrils flare. inhaling the scent his omega is emitting before taking a huge lick out of it. the action sending tremors in your body, making you mewl more for him.

your body on fire and more slick gushing out from you. you couldn't think anymore at this point or you're too tired to care. your efforts and hardwork of protecting yourself is nothing to him. could you accept it? a life with him? your body screams for him. it aches for him. your soul calls for him. can you deny it with your whole being screaming for him? is this what you really want?

perhaps the answer was there all along. presented in front of you but you're too absorbed in blending with the others. there's a voice in your head telling you, could you do it? you're still in the constant battle with yourself but with instinct and nature. you could barely much do so.

rin is the answer for all of this. he found out and now he's here. claiming you for his own. you couldn't stop him when he's already in between your legs. sniffing through your panties, soaked with your slick. your body jerks, a mewl slipping in your mouth and rin is pleased with your reaction.

sliding off your panties and his mouth waters at the sight. your fat pussy glistening in slick and arousal. the fleshy mound and the glistening folds of your puffy cunt bare in front and rin shivers when his tongue got the first taste of you. licking through your folds and the sweet taste of your cunt bouncing in his tongue. lapping up the newly slick coming out from your hole with such want. you taste damn good and it's expected for his omega.

"r-rin..." your voice trembles at the sensation of his tongue in your folds. your hips arching from the intrusion and your slick gushing like waterfalls. his tongue gliding to your hole and sucks into your clit that throbs and twitches at the attention given by him.

rin grips your wide hips while your pillowy thighs crushing his head and isn't bothered by it. engrossed of giving the utmost pleasure to his omega that will leave you wanting for more. he rips a deep moan from you when his tongue prods at your aching hole and it spurs him more. he needs more and so he licks it, wiggles his tongue and with a scream you came into his tongue but it doesn't stop him. greedily lapping at your sweet essence until you were quenched of relief for awhile.

licking his lips, rin discarded his uniform. throwing it at the side. his cock aching with the intention of pumping you full of his cum and bearing his pups. there's nothing than fulfilling to see you full and swollen.

hungry eyes gazes at you. rin thought nobody could ever look so vulnerable as you. body splayed in front of him. your slick coating your inner thighs and your chest heaves in every breath you take. lips swollen and there's a whine coming from you. begging for him to take you. what defiance earlier is nothing but a husk of your former self. this is what you truly are. a needy omega who have nothing but the desire to be taken care of by him and for the younger itoshi he's more than willing to do that as your alpha and your mate.

hovering above your quivering body, rin grabbed your hands. kissing them before leaning down to lick your tears. it was a distraction before slowly entering your quivering heat. rin growls at the sensation of his length being wrapped around you. your walls spasming around him. welcoming him with eagerness that leaves him no doubt that you were his.

it earns a whine from you, being stretched that it leaves you crying. your hymen breaks at the intrusion of his length but all you could do is take what you were given. followed by the protest leaving at your lips. the fear of being pregnant at this early stage of your life.

"rin, stop. w-what if i get pregnant?" you asked him but he only growls, feeling the tight heat of your pussy stretching around him.

"then so be it." he replied. grunting at the spasm of your walls accommodating him.

"i-i don't want to.."

"you will." he snarls when completely bottoms out at you. his knot at the base of his cock hitting your folds so sweetly that slick gathers at the hole of your clenching pussy at him.

"you're going to be a good 'mega and mate for me don't you?" raising your legs and hooking it up to his shoulders before snapping his hips at yours. his full length crashing at your insides with a desperate need with an intention to breed and procreate with you.

you were left with no protests, his full speed hitting you in such depths that you can only mewl and cry out for him. holding his shoulders while he buried himself deep inside. take and take. that's what you did. letting himself bruise you from how rough he is and drool starts to escape from the corners of your mouth.

seeing you cock drunk and eyes dazed from him breeding you and your heat in full blow. rin captures your mouth with his. the wet muscle of his mouth encircling your insides to claim territory while he basks in your scent. it wouldn't be too long before he marked you as his. claim you to be his and forever to be yours.

his chest rubbing into your breasts while he got you pressed in his body. he can feel the very bits of your soft tummy jiggling upon the impact of his hips. it feels so divine to be this close to you. your flesh in his rock hard abs. he can't wait to see you growing with his pups.

rin swallows your moans, that's a good mate for him. you were truly bonded with him and his chest swells with pride. all his plans coming into bearing in such fruition. this is what you are to him.

breaking the kiss to lick the scent glands in your neck, such actions leaves your body into sensitivity. you can feel everything around him. his scent, his length shaping your hole in his, his breathy moans and the growl he keeps emitting. everything felt so right about him. you were in no state lucid as you keep thinking about him. you crave everything about him but at this moment you want nothing but his knot to fill you up. have his babies and be a good mate for him.

with rin's animalistic thrusts of your abused hole. it doesn't take too long before you creamed around him. "alpha..." you call out to him. your legs trembling around him and your supple thighs ripples at your orgasm.

rin instinctively pushed his knot around you when your orgasm came. locking it tight around your hole with no chance of his healthy semen seeping every crevice of your pussy and to your cervix. ensuring fertility of your future pups with him. spurts after spurts of his cum endlessly releasing inside of you and you willingly took it. locking your legs around his hips in which both of you moaned out.

"you're my sweet 'mega, aren't you?"

nuzzling at your neck before he bites it. there's a tremble and a gasp. you were finally his. you were tied to him, forever and it brings out such joy in rin's heart. having you to be by his side forever. no walks about stupid dreams and wants you have. you will only think of him and only him.

"yours, alpha." you moaned out.

and in a series of wants and needs, you are nothing but his omega and sweet mate.

[lazinesswrites]

I know some people have Opinions about this, so I just wanna say from the beginning: I'm not tryna start anything, you can have your opinions and I can have mine, and they're all fictional people anyway, so lets just keep the discourse to a minimum, yeah? Great, love you all <3

But I've been thinking about Clones and sex, and. Hmm. So, I'm ace myself, which means I'm obviously gonna have a slightly different view on sex than most allo people, but I just think... I think sex will mean something vastly different to Clones than it does to most people who've grown up with the nuclear family model and a more or less Western-Christian culture (such as myself).

Because the Clones are Clones. They aren't born; they're created. They don't have parents; they have a donor and tubes and trainers and commanding officers. And they don't have children; they have cadets and shinies and men. And yes, they call each other 'brother', but the more I think about it, the more I think that's less so 'person born to the same parents' and more so 'brother-in-arms'.

We all like to give the Clones a bastardized version of Mandalorian culture, because Jango Fett was Mandalorian, so that's the closest the Clones get to a race beyond just being Clones. In Mandalorian, brother is 'vod', but 'vod' is also sister, and comrade, and mate - so not necessarily a blood relation, or even really a relation at all; it seems to range from 'actual sibling' to 'random person I just bumped into'. From the same link as before: "Copaani mirshmure'cye, vod?" translates roughly to "Are you looking for a smack in the face, mate?". 'Jatne vod' is the Mandalorian version of Sir (polite, not military), and 'ori'vod' is translated to 'big brother, older brother, or special friend'.

And beyond all the language-stuff (Hi, in a week I'll have a masters degree in communication, can you tell?), again: Clones were created. Their situation is unique, as far as we know - an entire race who're technically all the same person, except they're all individuals too. Specially engineered to learn and think for themselves. The words we have, the understanding we have of what 'family' and 'brother' means - even the understanding the Mandalorians have - it doesn't fit the Clones' experience 1:1, because their experience is fundamentally different. Just as my experience and culture, as a Scandinavian growing up in a culturally-christian society, is fundamentally different from the experience and culture of, let's say, an Indigenous person who grew up somewhere in America. And while we might have some overlapping experiences, as humans, our lives and cultures are again fundamentally different from that of, I don't know, penguins, or something. Aliens, if they exist.

So, even though the Clones are using words we know, to describe experiences and relationships that we think make sense, we can't assume those experiences and relationships are actually in any way identical to our own.

On top of all that, I doubt sex ed was a priority for the Kaminoans when they put together the curriculum for the Clones. I feel like it probably didn't really fit in there, between Battle Strategy and How To Always Follow Orders (Even When The People Giving Them Are Stupid Or Evil Or Both). And Clones probably have very limited access to things like books and movies and music and art, in any shape or form, beyond what the Kaminoans might have around for themselves, or find useful for the Clones' training and education. So, you know. Pretty much anything.

Which means, anything the Clones know about sex, they figure out themselves, or they learn once they're off Kamino (if they manage to find some downtime between battles - the existence of 79's suggests at least some of them do).

What I'm getting at is: If Clones have sex at all, it's gotta be more or less pure instinct and figuring things out as they go - and considering they pretty much only know each other, the Kaminoans, and a few other instructors, and also have little to no privacy, from what we've seen of the barracks on Kamino... that means figuring things out together.

[greatwyrmgold]

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the hidden city! I always enjoyed the message you get when you fight an accountant through the noncombat in the office building, but I think they were trying to give the pygmies this whole complex society equivalent to ours but fell short with some pretty stereotypical jokes. (That's what I'm gathering from the wiki, I don't spend enough time reading the words in this game full of words to be read.)

I mean, that's a big part of my thoughts on the Hidden City. I have a less charitable reading of Asymmetric Games's intent, but that tension between primitivism and modernity is core to those thoughts.

For people who either don't read the text in KOL or (more likely, given my followers) don't play it: Kingdom of Loathing is a browser RPG set in a vaguely generic-fantasy kingdom (of loathing). The Hidden City is a...city which is hidden in the jungle, inhabited by "pygmies".

While the kingdom as a whole is an anachronistic mishmash of fantasy tropes and pop culture references, the Hidden City is one of the more "modern" parts of the setting...in theory. They have lawyers and bowlers and surgeons and janitors. But all of these are flavored with tropes about primitive savages (and short jokes).

I can see ways that this tension could produce a result I found artistically compelling. Like, if the Hidden City had some aesthetic trappings of savagery, but it was obviously a less dysfunctional society than whatever the Council is doing. Maybe have the narration mistake their civilization for savagery, in ways that are obviously and humorously flawed. But that's not what we get.

Let's look at a few monster descriptions—bits of narration we get when you enter combat. And let's also look at the associated monster art.

Your typical witch doctors are generally witch GP's, or witch pharmacists. When a pygmy has a really serious ailment -- for example, if there's a demon trapped in their skull that needs to be let out -- they get referred to a witch surgeon to perform the operation.

This is a pygmy in a suit and tie, attempting to recruit all the best pygmies out of neighboring tribes and into his own. Or, failing that, to cut off their heads and impale them on pointy sticks. It's win-win!

Similarly to how golf was invented by a Scotsman who knocked an enemy's head off with a club (wherepon it fell into a gopher hole), bowling was invented by a pygmy who threw an enemy's head at ten more enemies who were standing in a perfectly triangle-shaped formation. To this day, they take the sport very seriously, and rabid xenophobia is not considered to be against the rules.

Most tribal societies invent money fairly quickly, because it doesn't take long to come up with a business transaction more complicated than "I will give you this cow for those two goats right now". Once someone has the idea "if you give me those two goats right now, I'll give you twelve of these particular kind of seashell, and then another six of them next week, and you can give them to my cousin for a cow plus a sack of monkey heads", that's when witch accountancy is born.

Yeah, everything in KOL is a stick figure; I find it charming. What I find considerably less charming is how the Hidden City is painted as a band of primitive, ignorant savages with aesthetic trappings of civilization. And they're the trappings of a ruined civilization. Look at the holes in the walls of every building (except the Mayincatec ziggurat and shrines).

It gets worse when you think about the Hidden City questline. At first glance, it's basically just a "take culturally significant artifacts from an unimportant primitive culture" questline, with one weird twist. You're guided in your quest by the gods who the artifacts are significant to.

So, let's take this leg of the Holy MacGuffin quest more seriously than anything with that kind of name was intended to be taken.

You cut your way into four shrines overgrown with vines. Once there, you receive visions from Bulbazinalli, Charcoatl, Pikachutlotal, and Squirtlcthulli, directing you to nearby ruins where you can retrieve their magic stone spheres. To do so, you must fight four "ancient protector spirits" who are protecting the spheres. Once you do so, each gives you a stone triangle; when you have all four, you can enter the massive ziggurat, fight the Protector Spectre, and steal a couple artifacts, one of which is plot-relevant.

So the Poke-gods send you to fight protector spirits to claim the pygmies' artifacts and return them to their gods, at which point those gods send you to beat up another protector spirit to claim another of the pygmies' artifacts to take home.

There are ways you could fanfic something coherent out of this plotline, but it's not based on anything in the actual game. It would be whole-cloth worldbuilding, driven by a reluctance to accept how callously thoughtless the game is about sensitive subjects.

I think the origin of the Hidden City is obvious. Asymmetric Games stirred a bundle of common tropes, pop culture references, and modern-world anachronisms to produce a novel setting and a truckload of dumb jokes. And when that results in a fraternity composed entirely of drunk orcs or a mountain where ghost fanboys fight each other for eternity or something, that's fine!

But KOL doesn't seem to have any idea when the tropes it's stirring in have significance beyond dumb jokes (or possibly doesn't care). It regurgitates racist depictions of real people in its world without any more care than it regurgitates band references or stale Harry Potter jokes.

Meanwhile, in another branch of this quest, you have this:

This is one of the performers at the Copperhead Club. She wears very little, and dances with two very big fans, so that the fans can always cover up the parts of her that the customers are most interested in seeing. I'll have you know that fan dancing is an art, and that she studied for years to perfect her technique. Also, she has an IQ of 180 and builds working Stirling engines in her spare time. So spare me the outrage, please.

Asymmetric Games knows some tropes provoke "outrage," but clearly doesn't understand which or why. And they don't seem to care.

The Hidden City is probably the worst effect of this...creative apathy. And most of its competition is well off the beaten path. But you have to solve the Hidden City in every ascension (except Community Service runs, but those are weird). In addition, the Hidden Hospital is a great place for farming meat and elemental wads, so I spend a lot of time there after beating the Naughty Sorceress. (It's a good place to spend extra adventures.) So I think about the Hidden City a lot.

Does it ruin KOL for me? No. Does it push me away from thinking of the game as a world worth exploring and towards thinking of it as a set of mechanics to advance through? Unfortunately, yes.

[volkswagonblues]

a lil guide to the Fire Nation for the ATLA fic writers out there

(aka. a no means exhaustive primer on east asia by an asian person)

This is a guide for fic writers want to write a canon-era story set in the Fire Nation, or featuring Fire Nation characters. A quick little primer on the tiny details of everyday life that you might not think about, but certainly stuff that would make me, an asian person, wince if I were to encounter it. BRUSHES, not quills. CHOPSTICKS, not forks. 

(note #1: this was partly inspired by a chat with @elilim​) 

(note: #2:  I originally intended it for zukka fic writers before realizing that other writers might find it useful. so apologies for a slight Zuko-bias for that reason)

(note #3: this is all stuff i was thinking about when writing firebender’s guide, in case anyone was wondering)

1. CLOTHING

Okay, I think the most straightforward way to describe what everyone’s wearing most of the time is “tunic”. They’re all just...tunics of different colours and varieties. Later when Zuko’s the Fire Lord he wears robes. The show provides a better visual guide than I could, here are a few notes to keep in mind:

a) Japanese people wear their collars LEFT crossed over RIGHT

I don’t think this would come up in writing as much as it would in art, but it’s considered bad luck to do it the wrong way because that’s only for dead people. Let my boy Zuko demonstrate:

b) There are no buttons

This is picky, but Wikipedia says “Functional buttons with buttonholes for fastening or closing clothes appeared first in Germany in the 13th century.[6] They soon became widespread with the rise of snug-fitting garments in 13th- and 14th-century Europe.” I kinda believe it. If you look closely, characters’ clothes are always tied together or wrapped in some way with a belt. If there are fasteners, they’re braided frog closures that go into a little loop, like the qipao-style dresses women wear in Ba Sing Se, or Zuko’s casual prince’s clothes in the topmost image. Anyways, I don’t think Zuko or Azula or the Gaang would technically button or unbutton anything when they’re changing clothes. Clothing is designed to be tied, not buttoned.

[so much more under cut]

c) This isn’t a real rule, but there’s something called koromogae, or the seasonal changing of clothing in Japan.

This is something I learned when I was writing firebender’s guide, and I just liked the fun detail about there being a strict calendar for when to wear something. I liked the idea of someone like Zuko, who actually spent most of his formative years outside of the Fire Nation, coming home and just suffering mutely through the summer heat because upper class etiquette says no changing into cooler clothes until August 15. 

From My Asakusa: 

And this website:

Generally, people change from thick, heavy, dark-coloured clothes for winter to thin, lighter, bright-coloured clothes for spring and summer. In traditional Japanese culture, particularly in formal settings such as tea ceremony, it is important to acknowledge the changes of seasons—in such circumstances, not only the patterns and colours of the kimono that are worn but also the utensils and furniture that are used are required to change. By changing their clothing, people notice and appreciate the change of seasons. [Japan Foundation]

Here are some visual guides from the official creators for clothes: (notice how it’s pretty much always left over right)

2.FOOD AND EATING

a) Traditional cuisine

It seems like the most common foods in canon are Fire Flakes and meat, to the point where poor Aang had to eat lettuce out of the garbage at some point.

HOWEVER, the Fire Nation seems to basically a big subtropical archipelago, so I would guess that seafood and rice are common. If you want to write about characters eating, a. quick google for “traditional japanese cuisine” would help you come up with a menu really quickly.

Wikipedia says:

The traditional cuisine of Japan, washoku (和食), lit. "Japanese eating" (or kappō (ja:割烹)), is based on rice with miso soup and other dishes; there is an emphasis on seasonal ingredients. Side dishes often consist of fish, pickled vegetables, and vegetables cooked in broth. Seafood is common, often grilled, but also served raw as sashimi or in sushi.

But before we get too serious, at one point the Gaang eats a “smoked sea slug” (Sokka’s Master) 

Oh ATLA, never stop being you.

b) Utensils

One thing to keep in mind is chopstick etiquette. Someone like Zuko or Toph, for instance, would have completely internalized all of these.

Another thing is that there are no glasses. Cups and bowls are made of ceramic or clay. Let the Gaang show you:

And another note: characters won’t eat “bread” in the European sense, ie. a baked lump of dough. Steamed buns, yes. Fried pancakes made from batter, yes. Flatbreads, okay I’ll give it a pass. Rice or noodles should be the most common carbs of choice.

3.ETIQUETTE

“In the homeland, we bow to our elders” - angry schoolmistress in The Headband.

Japan Guide has a list of etiquette rules for visiting Japan, which is interesting but not too necessary to read. In general, based on what The Headband tells us, Fire Nation characters would have been raised with a strong nationalist curriculum that values communal contribution over individualist expression. Even someone like Zuko, who openly rebels against that, probably couldn’t help but be affected by it. In general the Fire Nation seems to have an East Asian-ish set of values. It’s patriarchal, all the positions of authority are filled by men; there seems to be a strong emphasis on patriotism; there’s a sense of diffidence and respect towards one’s elders; and finally, there’s an emphasis on “knowing” one’s place in society and fitting into what’s expected of oneself.

I don’t really know how to describe it, but in China and Japan I sometimes feel like there’s rules for everything, and even people born and raised there acknowledge it could be stifling at times. You could go down a rabbit hole researching points of etiquette (for instance, rules on who has to sit where in group dinners...), but to me the most important thing is acknowledging that Fire Nation has a rigid system of etiquette, and also, they’re an imperialist power who’s pretty prejudiced against foreigners. Poor Aang/Kuzon gets called “mannerless colony slob” just for being slow on the bowing action (!!!)

(in firebender’s guide I had a lot of fun imagining the stupid microaggressions Ambassador Sokka has to face in the Fire Nation, so obviously I’m just biased)

4.WRITING AND DESKS

Characters would probably write on paper, with a calligraphy brush. Not quills or pens -- a brush. Technically, old Japanese and Chinese texts should be written top to bottom, right to left, but the show itself doesn’t do this, so I think you’re fine. 

One fun thing about traditional calligraphy is that you don’t use bottled ink. You have something called an ink stone, and then you grind your ink yourself by rubbing the ink stone in a special little dish with a bit of water. In my (very few) encounters with this stuff in the calligraphy lessons of my youth, the ink stones can be plain or have beautiful designs on the side. It looks something like this: 

ATLA is an East Asian-ish universe, so characters are likely to be kneeling at a table, not sitting. To demonstrate, here’s my boy Sokka doing his famous rainbow at Piandao’s:

and here’s the war chamber meeting when Zuko speaks out against a general’s plans to sacrifice some soldiers:

THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS: This is Zuko’s cute little setup when he’s writing his goodbye letter to Mai. In this case he’s writing in a chair and table. It’s possible that some furniture items, like a sitting desk and a bed in a bedframe (not a bedroll or futon) are special royal palace features. Normally in a private setting we see characters sitting on the ground or on a slightly elevated platform with a low table. Maybe Caldera is just different? Or rich people are just different: the Bei Fongs also have a sit-down dining table + chair setup.

(That little rectangular box is his ink dish!!)

5.A NOTE ON GENERAL CULTURE

It’s worth talking about a few general points of East Asian culture. I can’t claim to speak for ALL of Asia, and I don’t think I should. But I do think ATLA fic writers who want to set something in the Fire Nation should take a few moments to at least skim the wiki pages for filial piety and Nihonjinron (literally, "theories/discussions about the Japanese"). There’s a certain...vibe to...asianness... that I’m not sure I can explain without like, a doctorate degree in sociology. 

It’s a bit like gender, I guess. There’s no definitive checklist to what is a woman and what is a man, and we can argue that gender is performative, that it’s a construct, but at the end of the day gender is still (tragically) real in the sense that it still shapes people and affects how we walk and talk and dress and think. Nationality is the same. Obviously, the Fire Nation is a made up place in a made up show, but out of respect to the cultures that inspired it, I do think it’s worth familiarizing yourself with some of these cultures’ codes and values.

Also, ahem, if I can direct you to war crimes in the Japan’s colonial empire. Again, worth remembering that the Fire Nation was an imperalist colonizer too.

I might do a continuation of this post and talk through my more abstract takes about Fire Nation culture - Is Zuko an example of filial piety gone right or filial piety gone wrong? Why I think Zuko’s flashbacks are like, at least part teenage melodrama bullshit (the reason is son preference), how someone like Sokka might be treated once he’s openly Water Tribe in the Fire Nation (probably with racism...), specific aspects of asian homophobia and racism, etc. We’ll see.

This is not a definitive guide. Comments and critique welcome.

If you think there’s a factual mistake, PLEASE hop in my asks and let me know. I also think there’s a huge blind spot in ATLA for South and Southeast Asian representation, so I acknowledge that I can’t speak for all Asians, and there is no such thing as a “pan-asian” identity.

If there’s something else you’re curious about, I’m not a historian or anything, but I like research. Ask me and I’ll try to answer the best I can.

And oh, one last thing, this is how I do research when I wrote firebender’s guide, in case anyone’s interested in learning more (LINK)

[yandere-daydreams]

I always liked the idea of a being like a god, eldritch entity, angel or demon, yknow something so far removed from society, something so otherworldly with knowledge of the universe a human couldn’t even dream of, getting lonely and bored. Like infinite wisdom is great and all but it’s so lonely. And so they turn their attention towards the mortal world and find a human, who by all means they should think of as insignificant, who sparks that warmth inside them.

tw - unhealthy relationships, obsessive behavior, manipulation, cosmic gaslighting, generalized eldritch fucking.

It'd be hard not to get lonely when you're something so great, something so massive, something beyond the comprehension of any other living thing, flora and fauna and the poor souls caught somewhere in-between alike. It's not a burden they can share, but they've come to terms with that, learned to live with the weight, the responsibility, the crushing isolation that'd easily be the end of any being less aware of the meaning behind their pain, and they don't except you to erase their suffering, even if you do have your own little ways of easing it.

No, you're too limited for that, too insignificant to really have an effect on something as distant as they are, even if they like your smile, your laugh, the way it feels when you put your hands on the little piece of themself they carved off and molded into a shape not unlike your own. You're such a small little thing, wrapped up in concepts born from the minds of long dead men and corpses still standing on two feet, and it's hard for you to see anything beyond that, beyond your life, beyond your world and all the problems its created for itself. You worry about rent, about friends you no longer speak to and family you no longer can, about how quickly the plants on your windowsill die and how little energy you seem to have and why you can't seem to remember meeting your partner, or your first date, or your relationship in any other state but your current domestic bliss. It's been millennia since they felt something so bothersome, let alone thought about things so trivial, so far beneath them, but it's charming, how often they catch you pacing, how many hours you spend pretending to sleep while they sit above you and rub circles into your back, how you look at them, like they're something else, like there's some flaw in their current skin that they haven't noticed, yet. It's cute, like kitten holing itself up under the bed after being brought to a new home. That's why they let you see glimpses, every now and then, little nothings to keep you skittish. They like watching you shake and stutter like you'd be able to do anything to get away from them, if you knew what they really were.

It makes them wonder what it'd be like, if they gave you something more than a glimpse, a sliver of the truth. It makes them wonder what it'd be like to touch you, to truly touch you, to feel something more than just a shadow of what they could have. Surely, you wouldn't mind.

Surely, you wouldn't love them any less for being so much more than you could ever imagine.

[snafu-maniac1]

Zuko deserved better

So I rewatched Avatar the Last Airbender recently and let me tell you......

I wanna murder several people.

Looking back on this entire series I’ve come to notice something. I watched the show just like any other audience member and only saw the good and the bad characters. One of these prime examples is Zuko. Zuko’s redemption arc has been praised as one of the greatest in history, succeeding where others have failed. But watching it all again......it wasn’t redemption. Not to me personally.

Before everyone gets angry and defensive at me, please finish reading my post and hear what I have to say. I do not wish to start any fandom wars or discredit or disrespect anyone’s opinion, this is just my personal psychological analysis of Zuko’s character....Sigh and let me give you a warning.

It’s gonna be LONG. 

So if you’re not interested or don’t want to hear it or don’t feel like reading something this long that’s fine, you can go ahead and just click away and ignore this post.

Starting from book 2. 

Now you may be wondering why I’m starting here and not from the start of Zuko’s childhood but I first want to address the one question everyone had been wondering since the series 2 finale. What would have happened if Zuko hadn’t sided with Azula?

My answer is.....that wouldn’t have happened.

Everyone’s been focusing on the entire arc where Zuko was struggling to accept that the war was wrong and how Iroh was trying to get through to him when he tried to capture Appa and afterwards, but here’s something everyone tends to ignore.

Why didn’t Iroh try sooner?

Why didn’t he try to stop Zuko before Aang came, before he’d gotten so deep and desperate to the point that he continuously committed heinous acts to capture the Avatar? People would justify it by saying Iroh wanted Zuko to realize the wrongs of his father and Nation by himself to shape him into his own person. But that is in no way the appropriate way to approach a physically, psychologically and mentally unstable and abused child. Zuko was a thirteen year old boy when he was burned and banished. This is where we go into his childhood. Zuko was raised like any other Fire Nation citizen. As we’ve seen in book 3 and in the Pirate comic book, The Fire Nation citizens were led to believe that the other Nations were ‘savages’ and ‘barbarians’. It villainizes the Fire Nation even more. The very fact that they would spread heinous lies against other people when they themselves were responsible for the war that ruined so many lives. But when you realize, what Sozin and the other Fire Lords did was a solid battle tactic. Making the opposing side out to be these horrendous monsters. Making lies or accentuating every one of their worst traits to dehumanize their enemies so that the people would not have any qualms about fighting them. All of the Fire Nation schools were taught these lies. And Zuko was no exception.

Zuko was a member of the Royal family. And from what was shown in the Avatar series, the Royal family was isolated from the rest of Fire Nation society. Zuko had no way of knowing what the other Nations were really like, no way of knowing the truth about the war and no one had bothered to explain it to him. The one person that could have, did NOT. And yet people had expected him to just automatically know that he was being lied to and that his people were the villains. Zuko’s only social exposure was with Fire Lord Azulon, Fire Lord Ozai, Dragon Of The West General and Crown Prince Iroh, his cousin Prince Lu Ten, his mother Princess Ursa and his younger sister Princess Azula and her friends Mai and Ty Lee. All of whom believed in the Fire Nation propaganda and all of whom had no problem in participating in the war and making jokes about burning Ba Sing Se to the ground. Zuko was under scrutiny and aggression from Ozai. Ozai was Zuko’s ‘handler’, his ‘groomer’. He groomed Zuko into a certain type of submissive and obedient behavior. Zuko was not allowed to show any type of emotion otherwise he would suffer severe repercussions. Ozai and Azula taunted Zuko for having a sense of compassion and with how he was ostracized in a war loving family, he began to believe his behavior and way of thinking was unusual. It was like Azula said to Mai, “Your mother had certain expectations of you and when you strayed from them you were shot down.” In Zuko’s case, the expectations he strayed from resulted in severe punishment. Ozai was willing to permanently disfigure and traumatize Zuko when he was a thirteen year old boy. It’s not unusual to think that his punishments towards Zuko would sometimes very likely be physical and many people even write alternate universes of the Avatar series where Ozai was even more abusive than he already was. He was a manipulative man who brainwashed his daughter into being his perfect, obedient little slave and manipulated his son into questioning his own sense of reality. He would tell him that Azula was born lucky and he was lucky to be born, cementing Azula’s view of herself of receiving everything she wanted and turning her personality toxic while he made Zuko feel inferior and faulty. If there was something wrong with him, his father would tell him and he needed to fix it. But he never could. He strayed towards his mother, who like Iroh, abandoned Azula because of Ozai’s manipulation and did nothing to help her like they ‘helped’ Zuko.

When Zuko was thirteen he wanted to ‘prove’ himself to his father by attending one of his war meetings. Zuko very likely only wished to do what his father wanted because by then, Iroh had abandoned him when he left after the Siege of Ba Sing Se, his mother disappeared and his grandfather and cousin were both dead. The only ones he had left of his family were his father and sister who both abused him and he only wished for their approval and their affection. Humans need mutual affection. Children who do not receive affection from their parents, tend to not take that type of neglect well. Because people need affection to properly function. Our parents love us from when we are young and that emotional connection is something very important to every human being’s mental state. However, Zuko’s only source of affection, his mother, was taken away from him. Azula herself, had no source of affection. Not from her mother, who thought she was demented from her father’s brainwashing, nor from her brother who feared her, nor from her father who used her as a tool. Returning to the day of the Agni Kai, Zuko wished to be of use to his father, he craved his affection because that is what the abuser does. They make you believe they are the only ones who can validate you and if you do not abide by their rules or follow their orders then you mean nothing. Zuko for the most part from what I could see in the flashback, held his promise and did not speak. But when he refused to back down when his people were in danger, Ozai was not pleased. This is because he is an abuser. He is Zuko’s ‘handler’ and when someone who is abusing another person witnesses this type of behavior, they have a feeling of loss of control. They desire control, they crave it, over the abusee especially. So when Zuko showed empathy towards the Fire Nation citizens and did not do as Ozai wished, he decided to ‘rectify’ that. In the most BRUTAL way possible. An Agni Kai. A public spectacle where he would establish dominance over his son, over his pawn and he would make a show of it. He would show everyone that HE was the one in control and NO ONE could defy him. When Zuko refused to fight Ozai, because of his love for his father, Ozai only saw that as a weakness. Ozai is a psychotic man. The fact that he did not have any problem in burning his son so cruelly shows that he does not have any sense of morals. Going back to Zuko, a thirteen year old child at the time, he had just been punished for disobedience, for straying from his father’s expectations, in the worst way possible.

Zuko did what many people would say is the right thing to do. He tried to defend his people from a cruel man intent on sending them to their deaths. But in doing so, he had defied his father and was punished for it. He was punished....for trying to HELP people. His life was essentially DESTROYED and he was thrown out of his home...for trying to help people. For showing empathy towards others. He was punished in the worst way possible for defying his father. His entire perception of right and wrong was thrown out of balance. He was taught that the war was right and that the Fire Lord, his father, was all knowing. And his mother tried to teach him kindness and her lessons of kindness got him punished. The amount of physical and mental damage he had sustained from such a punishment would in some cases be irreversible. Iroh was right there with Zuko and he did nothing. I CAN understand why he did not step in during the Agni Kai. He had been gone from the Fire Nation, his brother had taken the throne and he could have very well himself been punished severely for intervening. However, why did he allow Zuko to continue to believe he was the one at fault? Everyone of us has seen Zhao, has seen the way he treated Zuko during his banishment. Zuko very likely spent those entire two years before Aang’s arrival, being subjected to that type of behavior from everyone around him. All of them blamed him, all of them very likely said that he’d deserved what had happened to him. No one was on his side. He ended up turning aggressive and cruel towards others, because that was the way his father behaved and it was his empathy towards others that got him punished in the first place. He said in The Storm ‘the safety of the crew doesn’t matter’, just like the general that called the 41st division ‘fresh meat’. It was easier for Zuko to lash out at others and be aggressive than to let them see his vulnerabilities and hurt him for them again. It was the same with Song and her mother. Ozai tried to force him to be cruel, he tried to groom him the same way he did Azula. They dehumanized the other Nations and Zuko behaved the exact same way he was expected to. ‘Their compassion would cost them’. It was exactly the way his father wanted him to be. It was what Iroh did not wish for him, and yet despite claiming he thought of Zuko as a son, he did not in any way try to convince Zuko to give up his quest during the two years he had been searching for something that at the time was believed did not exist. The only instance we were shown of Iroh saying anything against his search, and even that is a stretch, was in the Western Air Temple episode where Zuko has a flashback of Iroh telling him that ‘destiny was a funny thing’ when Zuko said it was his destiny to capture the Avatar. Iroh had time to run the White Lotus, an antiwar organization for two YEARS maybe even longer and he did not think of taking two MINUTES to talk to Zuko, to ease him into realizing the wrongs of the war. Okay, yes he could have passed it off as character growth. But how do you expect a person, surrounded by people telling him he was at fault, he had no choice, either obey or never come back, to realize something like that? How do you expect an abuse victim to accept help all by themselves when their abuser forces them to depend on them? Did Iroh take him to some Earth Kingdom villages to see that they aren’t the vicious savages the Fire Nation portrays them to be? Did he take Zuko to the Southern Water Tribe to see the damage done to them at the hands of his own country? No. Instead he acted like an oblivious old man who had no interest other than Pai Sho and speaking proverbs that Zuko could not hope to understand.

Two years Zuko spent looking and looking and he turned desperate to the point that he was willing to do anything to go home. And then The Avatar finally returned. And then the people that Zuko was raised to perceive as brutal savages continued to stand in his way. And did Iroh intervene? No. He still did nothing. He allowed Zuko to continue his pursuit and turn into the worst possible version of himself. People say that Zuko should own up to the consequences of his actions. And he should. But would he have done those actions had Iroh stopped him earlier? Would he have done any of the things he did when the only remaining adult figure in his life had told him otherwise? Would he have listened to Iroh? The answer is yes. He was willing to do what Ozai had expected of him so why would he not listen to Iroh with time and patience instead of waiting till the last possible moment to do so? Children don’t automatically know right from wrong from the moment of their birth. They are taught by their parents, by the adults in their lives and Zuko had Ozai as his parental influence. And Iroh knew that. He knew the type of man his brother was and he did not try to overwrite his brother’s abuse to help his nephew until Zuko was already on the path of no return. When they became refugees Iroh still did nothing until they got to Ba Sing Se and until Zuko, again in an act of desperation, tried to capture Appa. That was when he FINALLY decided to step in. Three years since Zuko’s banishment, sixteen years of his father’s influence and abuse and he decides the very moment his nephew is close to the brink of insanity is the perfect opportunity to DESTROY his entire world view. He had worked day in and day out for two years before Aang appeared, only for his uncle, someone he TRUSTED, to tell him it was all for NOTHING. Two years of TORTURING himself. A year of fighting against his Nation’s enemies and SUDDENLY he’s being told it was all for nothing. When Iroh and Zuko reunited, Iroh told him he found his way again ‘on his own’ like how Zuko told Ozai he had to learn everything ‘on his own’. And they were both right. Zuko had no one to help him. He had to suffer through so much on his own, without anyone’s help and they’re SURPRISED he acted the way he did. When everything came to ahead in Ba Sing Se with Katara, people thought ‘Oh Zuko has changed he’s going to help Katara.’ And when he did not they HATED him for it. 

The reason for this is because Katara was the ‘good guy’ and Zuko was the ‘bad guy’. Black and white. Katara and Zuko shared a moment of understanding from both losing their mothers and Katara offered to heal his scar and he chose to side with Azula and both Katara and the viewers saw this as a betrayal on Zuko’s part. This assumption however is completely unjustified and unfounded. Everyone sees Zuko and the Fire Nation as the bad guys. The villains of the story. But Katara and the Water Tribes and Earth Kingdom were the bad guys in the Fire Nation’s eyes. Katara was the ‘savage’ standing in the way of Zuko going home. The Avatar was his home’s greatest ENEMY and THREAT. Had the situation been reversed and Katara had to choose between Zuko and the Water Tribe and her brother and father, people would have supported her choice because they were the good guys. Zuko’s people were the bad guys so it had to be the wrong decision and a betrayal to Katara and Iroh. But Zuko was an unstable, traumatized child who did not wish to believe his people were bad, who did not want to fight his home after he spent so long trying to capture Aang, his home’s greatest THREAT and ENEMY. Katara hated Zuko because he represented everything that the Fire Nation did to her family. And Zuko hated her because she was the ‘savage’ keeping him from his one way home. To Zuko, Katara was the bad guy. And looking back at their moment of sympathy where Katara said he betrayed her trust I can only ask one thing....how could Zuko have known that Katara wasn’t trying to trick him? Now, the viewers would automatically respond ‘Katara’s not like that! She wouldn’t do that!’ but the fact is, we the viewers KNOW Katara. We know she’s not that type of person because we got to know her through out the series. Zuko does NOT know her. To Zuko, she’s just another faceless enemy out to KILL his father. He chose Azula’s side because he could not accept what Iroh was saying to him because why hadn’t Iroh said so sooner? He did not want to join Aang’s side cause this was the AVATAR. The one out to KILL his FATHER and take down his HOME. When Zuko returned, he was conflicted about what he had done because he had begun to see how wrong his father and sister’s behavior and The Fire Nation’s war truly was. And Iroh cemented that further by proclaiming Zuko’s struggle was because of Roku and Sozin’s conflict when that was clearly not the case. Zuko was groomed and brainwashed by the Fire Nation propaganda like every other citizen but he was not dispelled from that belief by anyone. No one tried to make him question that belief. Iroh did not try to ‘help Zuko’ until the very last moment in Ba Sing Se. People believe Zuko betrayed Iroh because that’s how it’s supposed to be when Zuko was the ‘bad guy’ and Iroh was the ‘caring’ Uncle and ‘voice of reason’. And yet he did not think to ‘reason’ with Zuko before this entire mess even started. He did not in any way try to disrupt Zuko’s view of the other Nations or his father. In my opinion, IROH was the one who betrayed ZUKO. Iroh KNEW the entire time that what Zuko was doing was wrong. Zuko was a child who was not allowed to think for himself and Iroh KNEW Zuko was brainwashed by the exact same propaganda he himself had believed before he lost his son. If Iroh, who had believed in the Fire Nation for so many years, was unable to realize the wrongs of the war until his ADULTHOOD when he lost his son, how in the world did he expect a 13 year old child to do so? And Zuko became even more unstable and then he chose the Fire Nation.

When he realized it was wrong and went to join team Avatar, they were reasonably mistrusting.

Zuko’s redemption arc from a simple perspective, from team Avatar’s perspective was very well done. Team Avatar did not know what Zuko had been through. To them he was just another Fire Nation monster who had hurt them. To the audience, he was just another Fire Nation monster who had hurt the good guys. No one would think that deep into a fictional character’s perspective or psychological and mental state. No one would think past the ‘good guy’ and the ‘bad guy’. But one thing I cannot justify is Katara’s accusation of betrayal towards Zuko. As we have mentioned, Zuko and Katara were enemies who had a mutual hatred towards each other before his ‘redemption’. They had one single moment of shared empathy and understanding and that is NOT the basis for earned trust. What would Katara have done had she been in Zuko’s shoes? Fighting her enemies, fighting people she sees as nothing more than monsters and she has to choose between her long time enemy and her sibling and her home and her family. If she was in that position, she would choose Sokka and Hakoda and Aang and the Water Tribe over Zuko in a heartbeat because those are her FAMILY members and her FRIENDS and people would justify her because she’s the ‘good guy’. The hero. But Zuko is the villain so his actions automatically AREN’T justifiable. I understand Katara’s mistrust towards Zuko because of their history and because again, she doesn’t know anything about him or what he went through. But she cannot expect him to just automatically leave behind everything he’s ever known and ever believed in because of one single moment of understanding. Zuko should have done everything he could to make it up to the group because he owed it to them and they again, did not know any of his reasons for hunting them. But Zuko does not deserve to be labeled simply as ‘a bad guy turned good’ when he was NEVER a bad guy to begin with. When he was never even mentally stable enough to make that type of decision for himself. In today’s day and age Zuko and Azula would have BOTH ended up in a mental institution. And after all of the things he went through, Zuko was the one who ended up going back to Iroh and apologizing when Iroh was the one who abandoned him and then Zuko at 16 years old ended up as the leader of a nearly fallen apart country. He had to suffer through insomnia, assassination attempts and mental instability and abandonment. Iroh left to Ba Sing Se and only made two appearances in a total of SIX comic books after the end of the War and one of those was entirely brief. So while Iroh gets to enjoy the rest of his life selling tea, Zuko has to suffer the consequences for what his family did. He was also abandoned by Mai which brings me to another point.

Zuko’s toxic relationships.

Some people say they dislike Mai because she is emotionally abusive towards Zuko. It never occurred to me before but looking at it now, I have to say that I agree. In the comics after book 2 had ended it was shown that Azula used Mai’s childhood crush on Zuko to manipulate him into going back to the Fire Nation with her. And Mai.....I don’t even know how to get started on the entire mess that is their relationship. Mai is a person who does not like emotion. She doesn’t like to express herself and immediately shuts down anything even close to emotion. The same applies to Zuko. Zuko is a very emotionally unstable and insecure person. And instead of reassuring and calming him, Mai immediately cuts him off whenever he loses a handle of his emotions and just flat out ends their relationship on the spot. She gives Zuko no explanation, just gets angry at him and then all of a sudden when Zuko can’t take anymore and explodes she suddenly says she cares about him. Their relationship is toxic. Mai demeans his problems and things that trouble him. Quote “I just asked if you were cold, I didn’t ask for your whole life story.” when Zuko was nervous about going back home. She demeans his guilt towards Iroh and tries to make him feel better by ordering servants around. And then in the Boiling Rock episode she attacks him for his letter which is reasonable on her part, but there is the problem that despite being Zuko’s girlfriend, up until that point she was Azula’s subordinate first and foremost and she could have tried to let Azula know. Still was a shitty way of ending their relationship, I’m not gonna act like it wasn’t but I still wanted to put that perspective out there just for thought. Not to mention how she ended things in the comic books. The trust issue I understand. But I don’t understand how ONE single mistake would lead to her just immediately ending things instead of at least TRYING to work it out. She could have listened to him and seen why he was so upset and scared of messing up that he went to Ozai of all people for help. She did not stick by him when he needed her and that was what forever ruined their relationship for me. 

In simple terms, Zuko was a bad guy who became a good guy and redeemed himself.

In psychological terms, Zuko was an abuse victim who was brainwashed since his childhood, blamed for it and made into a scapegoat while his sister ended up in a mental institution because of her father’s influence and because the same people who ‘helped’ Zuko didn’t think she deserved it too.

So from what I’ve seen while rewatching the series....

Zuko never needed redeeming. Zuko needed help.

And he didn’t get it. 

[elia-de-silentio]

The overarching themes of Vanitas no Carte: Identity

The Case Study of Vanitas is a very good, too little known manga (I hope the anime changes something), with some central themes than are exposed in different ways through different characters. In this meta, I want to explore one that was brought to my attention pretty recently: here a little examination on the various ways to face one's own identity in The Case Study of Vanitas.

The Stable Identity( Noè)

Let's start off with the positives, shall we? Noè has probably the most secure personal identity of all the bunch.

And this is pretty amazing, considering everything he went through. He has no memory of his birth family, but gets adopted by some nice people - who die shortly afterwards. Right at their graves, he is kidnapped by slaves, in an accident that left him injured. Then he is bought by someone who actually treats him nicely and is a good mentor for him, he finds many friends his age - and then one of them, the one he was closest to, turns out to be a cursebearer, kills all of the others and then tries to kill him; he is saved by the mentor, who beheads the friend right in front of him. The most immediate emotion is relief for being alive, and he will always feel terrible for that. Then, he has to witness his surviving friend try to cope very badly with her mourning by repressing her identity and try to substitute it with that of her dead twin. That's a lot.

And Noé reacted to all of this by becoming a confident person, kind and attentive to others, but not to the point of being a pushover. I'm not saying he walked away unscathed from the events of his childhood: he regrets the way he handled things with Louis, the way he didn't understand him, and has developed quite the savior complex as a result.

What I'm saying is that he is probably one of the very few well-adjusted people in the psychiatric ward that is Vanitas no Carte. He is still questioning himself, but in a normal way for a nineteen-years-old that has just left a sheltered environment for the big wide world. He is aware of some of his strenghts (his naivete) and is realizing others (putting unfair expectations on other people, underestimating other people due to racial biases); but most importantly, when he realizes these mistakes, he doesn't run away from them or obsess over them believing they make him a horrible person: he recognizes them, apologizes to the wronged person if necessary, and works on improving them.

This isn't to say he's completely happy-go-lucky with no regrets; he feels guilty about being relieved that he lived while Louis died, and he has a lot of uncertainties regarding his identity as an Archiviste and the impact his powers can have on other people. But he managed not to tie his entire identity to that guilt; and as for the second point, Teacher helped him rationalise that and figure out a conduit that didn't undermine him and at the same time showed respect for others. Noè went through several traumas, but received one thing most of the cast didn't: guidance and support from his environment. Whatever Teacher's actual motives are, he shaped a well-balanced person.

The Group Identity (The dhamps, appearently 99% of vampirekind)

"Us dhams are only loyal to each other!" This is what Dante says in one of the first chapters, giving us the first clues to their status as outcasts.

The war between humans and vampires ended up with each deciding to keep to themselves, but dhampires are the living exception to that silent agreement. So, both societies decide to reject them, and they can't find a place in the world unless they stick to others of their own kind. This common history of traumatic experiences of abandonment and subsequent resentment of both human and vampire society for it goes on to create a very strong group identity: the only ones they give a damn about are those like them, everyone else is a potential enemy and is only good to be exploited.

Then, we have the vampire culture. I mean ... it might be because insofar we have met almost exclusively aristocrats obsessed with their respectability ... but they have a lot of prejudices.

You're born under a uncommon moon? You're a pariah. You're mixed race? You're a pariah. Your parents committed a crime? You're a pariah, and are used as a tool. You're born as part of a set of twins? Either you or your sibling are killed at birth, because of something that is SAID, not even a certified element of vampire biology. You're stuck with a curse? You're executed, no attempts to heal you.

Their society seems to run on an ideal model of person which depends on factors outside the individual's control, and whoever doesn't fit this description and deviates from the group in any shape or form gets ridiculously fierce punishment. They make the freaking Church look good by comparison, at least their repressive and racist side is composed of extremists instead of everymen.

The Clan Identity (Chloé, and partially Noé again)

Chloé identifies with a group of people too; but it's not a race, it's a family. The D'Apchier family, the nobles who are responsible for Gevaudan. Her father made sure she had this idea in her right from the start, and she interiorized it.

And this had mixed results: while on the one hand she was chained to self-loathing by the guilt of having accidentally caused the massacre of the family and was only saved by Jeanne and Jean-Jacques reclaiming her as part of theirs, on the other she was able to resist to Naenia because of the love and responsibility she felt towards the people of Gevaudan. Chloé is, at this point, the only curse-bearer who managed to trick and attempted to fight directly against Charlatan.

Then there is Noé in relation to his Archiviste identity. He seems to think of it mainly in negative terms, very conscious of the living invasion of privacy it turns him into ... and nothing else. We have never seen him wonder about who his birth parents were, ask himself why he doesn't remember anything, why was the clan exterminated, or how he feels about being a survivor, one of the only ones if not outright the only. He sees his heritage as a burden,and hasn't thought of it in any different term. I wonder how a change in perspective could impact the above 'stable identity'.

The Someone Else's Identity (Vanitas, Dominique)

I already dedicated a whole post to this trait they share, so I'll be short: both Vanitas and Dominique hate themselves and try to become something worthy by taking elements of people they admire: Louis for Dominique, a combination of his birth father and Luna for Vanitas.

The Object Identity (Jeanne)

The very first thing Jeanne was said in her whole life was that she was an object. A vessel for something (or someone?) else, who mustn't have feelings or desires of her own. Encouraging, isn't it?

Luckily, this wasn't all she got in life. Soon afterwards, she was adopted by Eric and Louise, who loved her a lot, received kindness by Ruthven, met Chloé who became an older sister to her. Unluckily, all of this was taken away from her in the most cruel way possible.

She couldn't make any sense of her parents's betrayal and death, and the way her life suddenly changed; she rationalised it by telling herself that it was her fault, if she had been just the good object everyone told her to be nothing would have happened. So she accepts the Object Identity: she is a tool, so she doesn't feel, she exists only to obey orders, and as long as she is nobody else will ever suffer. It gets even worse after she fails to kill Chloè: she couldn't fulfill her duties, and both her and her big sis suffered for it. This mindset traps her in a world of pain, but also prevents her from facing the fact that she is subject to a senseless injustice, one she has no control over.

Vanitas managed to help her with that. He validated her feelings, and showed her that nobody had to die if she had them, solving the situation with Chloé and Jean-Jacques. This gave her a nice confidence boost, returning her to the cheerful attitude she had as a young girl; the consequences of this change remain to be seen.

The Unknown Identity (Luna)

This one is interesting because Luna themselves is pretty explicit about it. They see themselves as something 'other', who is outside commonly used categorization; starting with 'male or female' (and here I am left wondering if they had specific sexual characteristics but didn't feel like they 'fit', or were intersex and nonbinary, or had an entirely different biology from both vampires and humans).

Luna doesn't like this condition: they said they tried to figure out what they were, to understand themselves, and they regret doing so now. Why? Maybe they didn't find any answer and were left perpetually unsatisfied, or they found an answer, and they found it to be awful?

Still, this indicates Luna has never been particularly happy with themselves, and this found no resolution. And then they died. Nice, uh?

Well, I think this was all. There are other characters I would like to know more about in regard to this, like Ruthven, Marquis Machina, and Mikhail, but there is still time.

All in all, I'd say Vanitas no Carte explores the theme of identity pretty throughly; many character arcs are still in progress, and I'm interested about how things will develope especially for Vanitas, Dominique and Jeanne.

Thanks to anyone who bothered to read my ramblings!