#and without memories to give them experiences to base things on when making choices

[esterigermaine]

Okay, but Halsin, Jaheira, Minthara, and Astarion all taking one look at an Elf dark urge and immediately going "I can influence that"

So all 4 of the older Elves in the party end up being like a divorced couple that can't agree on how to raise their kid.

[nofomogirl]

We need to talk about body snatching

I'm not a massive fan of the 1827 minisode - if you're curious why it bothers me, I've explained it in my post about two GO canons - but there's no denying it does an amazing job at exploring the complexity of morality and moral choices. It starts with a very black-and-white two-dimensional image and gradually adds shading and perspective, making it harder and harder to judge as we go along.

I think it's worth digging into (pun not intended but I'll take it).

Layer 1: body snatching bad

We learn someone did something

It's those first few seconds where we see a person robbing a grave, and since we know that robbing graves is a crime and generally not a good thing to do, we can quickly form a tentative conclusion that this is wrong.

Okay, in this exact instance, we immediately get enough context clues to see that this kind of judgment would be oversimplistic and superficial. Only Aziraphale, who for some reason acts as if it was his first day on Earth after a thorough memory wipe, is ready to condemn Elspeth based on just that.

Nevertheless, this is the first layer - the deed itself with no context.

Layer 2: body snatching acceptable

We learn about the person who did the thing

That's the whole journey with the first dug-up body where we get to know Elspeth and become privy to her circumstances - she's desperately poor, she has another person depending on her, she robs graves to survive. Aziraphale's suggestions that she might earn her living by selling books, weaving or farming just serve to prove how inaccessible more honest and dignified professions are to her. In turn, her comment about how she's not hurting anybody who isn't already dead hints that from the realistically available options, Elspeth could have chosen something much worse.

Technically this layer is a significant step up from layer 1 but it still isn't really challenging. Things are spelt out really loud for us, and most importantly everything we learn about Elspeth is just attenuating circumstances. To top it off both she and Wee Morag are immediately endearing. The takeaway is that sometimes things that in theory are bad can be excused which is important but the verdict still comes without any second thoughts.

Layer 3: body snatching complicated

We learn the larger context around the thing

This mostly happens when Aziraphale and Crowley discuss body snatching with Mr Dalrymple. We learn that the stolen corpses are used for a medical study that can advance human knowledge and make it possible to save living people and that surgeons have no legal means to obtain enough of them for their research - hence their need to buy them from body snatchers.

At first glance it's just more of what we got in layer 2 - more agruments in favour of body snatching that aren't all that nuanced and don't really give us any pause - just from a larger perspective, beyond Elspeth's individual experience. But if you glance more than once you'll notice this is when things stop being straightforward and easy to judge.

The moment we enter a proper grey area is when Aziraphale asks why Mr Dalrymple doesn't acquire the bodies himself. This is a very valid question - while we might easily agree that studying the human body to further medical knowledge is a good thing, and with just the slightest hesitation admit that it's acceptable to resort to using stolen bodies if that is the only way the research may continue, it's not as easy to excuse taking advantage of the poor and the desperate to do the actual stealing that we know is very dangerous.

The moment we know without a doubt we are in a proper grey area is when Mr Dalrymple laughs at Aziraphale's concern.

Objectively, the surgeon is right that it's more effective if he doesn't risk his own life in the graveyard and uses his time on actual research, teaching students and saving lives. But it's also clear he doesn't exactly see people like Elspeth as actual human beings and feels he has every right to use them. On the one hand, he is paying, on the other, he happily benefits from the cruel class system and is not even one bit remorseful about it. On the one hand, he takes risks too, on the other he has a chance of rewards Elspeth will not benefit from. It's not the poorest whose lives will get bettered by the progress of medicine, even though they're the ones who pay with their lives for that progress. And if Mr Dalrymple gets lucky and is knighted for his work (we know he wasn't in the end but it was a possibility), the poor still won't be pardoned for stealing for him. Nevertheless, he has no issue with that.

As I said, things get nuanced.

Layer 4: it's different when it's someone you know

The thing actually happens in your life

I think you'll all agree that the turning point of the minisode is when Elspeth decides to sell Wee Morag's still warm body. This is what finally leaves us speechless.

That's because up until now we've been approaching the issue intellectually. It's not that we didn't care about the characters, but we were allowed to keep a safe distance. The whole thing was like a problem to be solved - "Is body snatching right or wrong? Discuss in 500-1000 words" - and everything we've learned so far was data for this assignment. I believe that one of the reasons why this detachment came naturally was that there was a very thick line between people involved in body snatching and the bodies that were being snatched. The former were, well, people, obviously. The latter were inanimate objects.

It isn't until Wee Morag is to be sold that we are forced to see a person in a dead body. This is also when real emotions enter the equation.

This shift forces us to question our judgment for the first time. It was easy to justify Elspeth when she was selling a nameless corpse. But the fact that she decided to sell her closest companion - and most likely lover - shocks us. Something inside us strongly objects to how quickly she makes the decision.

And then there's the transaction, and it is also different when it's someone we know. The fact that we knew Wee Morag fully exposes Mr Dalrymple for the heartless jerk that he is. The way he treats Elspeth is the absolute worst and if you haven't realized he was a hypocrite earlier, you should be disillusioned by now.

But at least Elspeth is not a hypocrite, right? It may seem cold that she sold Wee Morag but it just proves she simply believed it's all right to sell a dead body, doesn't it?

Well, about that...

Layer 5: it's different when it's you

You are forced to face the thing happening to you

This layer is reached when Elspeth plans her suicide and asks Aziraphale and Crowley to bury her "somewhere where no ghouls will ever dig her back up again".

It turns out Elspeth McKinnon really was a filthy liar.

Not long ago she was insisting that body snatching doesn't hurt anyone who isn't already dead, and asking why she should let Wee Morag rot in the ground when she starves. But she wants to make sure it doesn't happen to her own body. The idea that someone might dig her up terrifies her and she calls people who do it ghouls. So why was digging up other people okay again? Why should she rot in the ground while other people suffer? There were other people living in the street where she and Wee Morag hid. Why not ask Aziraphale to give the money to them? Or just anybody in need? Why not ask to sell her body as well and use the earnings the same way?

Also, if you look at it from a certain perspective, Elspeth betrayed Wee Morag in the worst possible way. Wee Morag believed that if someone's body gets cut, that person's soul cannot enter Heaven. Yet Elspeth sold her to Mr Dalrymple, claiming that Wee Morag would have wanted her to have the means to survive. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps Wee Morag would have made that sacrifice. But then Elspeth decided to kill herself and use the money she got for Wee Morag's body for her own funeral.

But does it make Elspeth wicked? Certainly not. She's simply torn by grief. I seriously doubt she's been planning to commit suicide when she was taking Wee Morag to Mr Dalrymple. She might have genuinely tried to carry on but the reality of what happened caught up to her. Mr Dalrymple's cruel words certainly didn't help her cope with a personal tragedy. I even suspect one of the reasons she sold her friend was that she had no idea what else to do with a dead body.

Does this excuse her actions? Kind of, but not really.

Elspeth was a tragic character, not an innocent lamb with a heart of gold.

The point is - can any of us really judge her?

Which, coincidentally, is a question that the original Good Omens book toyed with quite a lot.

If you've reached this far, thank you for reading!

[lurkingshan]

Love for Love's Sake Episodes 7 & 8

Well holy shit, that went in some directions I never imagined, and it was very dark indeed. I can't believe this intriguing little show is already over. So let's unpack what happened here.

My interpretation of everything we learned in these final episodes is that Myungha already died by suicide in the real world after a series of hardships, including the death of his grandmother, a long-term struggle with depression, and rejection from his ex and his mother, and the author gave him a chance to live again in the game world. The ending suggests he will now stay in the game world with Yeowoon and get another chance at life where his core objective is to make himself happy, and any expectation we had that he would have to return to the real world is out the window, because his life there has already ended.

But what exactly is this game world? I don't think we'll ever fully know for sure. Certainly, the show did not explain the how of it, or tie together all the vignettes we saw of Myungha and the author discussing their philosophy on life in a clear throughline to how we got to the game. The game world was purportedly based on the author's fictional novel, but all along it has taken on the features of Myungha's real life, including all the significant people we saw in his first life flashbacks. His grandma is here, his mother is here, his ex is even here in the guise of Yeowoon's agent. Myungha's memories and consciousness seem to inform the way this world was built, even as he did not create it. The author is given the role of Creator, somehow designing this world for Myungha to try to find happiness via seeking to make someone with very similar experiences to his happy.

Now, on this point, I don't think everything that happened in the original iteration of the game totally holds up. The way the author was messing with Myungha and forcing cruel choices on him really does not track with a desire to help him find happiness, and the point where Yeowoon seems to discover the game and somehow intervene to pull Myungha back in was lacking some clarity. And I wish the show had grounded us in Myungha's experiences earlier on rather than holding everything back for the sake of mystery--I do think that choice got in the way of a more coherent emotional arc for our protagonist.

But despite those quibbles, I still was able to connect with Myungha's struggles. This is a boy who has been so mired in his own misery that he doesn't know how to let anyone else in. He is too afraid to trust and let someone care for him in the way he cares for others. I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle him when his own emotional paralysis caused him to destroy the game--Yeowoon was telling him exactly what he needed, but he couldn't find the strength within himself to give it to him. And this is why knowing Yeowoon is exactly what he needed to see a different path for himself, because Yeowoon has experienced many of the same hurts but still finds within himself the ability to trust and rely on Myungha. Yeowoon is the stronger of the two of them, and Myungha needed to learn from him to overcome his own cowardice. Their happy reunion in the game world felt earned, and I believe in Myungha's ability to try again at both life and this relationship without holding back this time.

This show definitely wasn't perfect, but it really did some interesting things and left us with a lot to think about. I am looking forward to reading everyone else's interpretations of these final episodes, and Myungha and Yeowoon will be staying with me for a long time.

[sussyscurryscorpio]

Random Astrological Observations Part-7

(This picture doesn't belong to me in any way)

(Please take only what resonates)

~Who said that Capricorn Venus aren't vengeful? They are. Don't believe me? Go and cheat on one and then look how they pay that hurt back to you.

They'll eat and leave no crumbs of you. Also, karma. These people are protected by Saturn. Hurt them once, shame on you. Hurt them twice, well, again, shame on you.

~Pisces Mercuries are so brilliant. Like so frigging brilliant. So many physicist/scientists have this placement and voila, discoveries.

I mean how does one become good in science? By knowing how to apply science. And how does one do that? By imagination. Did I hear somewhere that Albert Einstein was a Sidereal Pisces Mercury too? Explains how he was able to give so many theories.

Now, on the flipside, people say that Einstein had a terrible memory. Well, our vivid little Pisces Mercury is at play here too. You see, Mercury is debilitated in Pisces. It is bound to make someone focus more on imagination and less on logic.

Why do you think Einstein denied the existence of Black Hole till the very end even when his equation showed it's discovery.

~On that note, Einstein's Venus was EXALTED in Pisces, i.e., in conjunction with his Mercury. So, he was able to reap good effects of Mercury because the Venus' exaltation cancelled Mercury's debilitation.

Therefore, his childhood struggles to be a science student led to his becoming one of the greatest physicist of all times.

~Please, for fuck's sake, never make a Scorpio Venus jealous intentionally. They'll either rip someone's head off and their own's. I've experience this as a Scorpio Venus in Tropical, even when I don't like Tropical much.

I mean, after things went south with my bf, he posted an intimate picture with some girlie and oh god, I went ballistic. I threw my tablet across the room like a frisbee 2 seconds after I saw that pic.

No tablets were broken in this stunt. Just injured :)

~On the flipside, if I were to judge my anger based on my Sidereal placements, I'd say my lackey Libra Mars made me do it.

Libra Mars isn't equal to low anger. Low drive? Maybe. Low anger? Hell no. I mean, Aries Mars radiate their anger outwards and you can feel it too, BUT Libra Mars had a brooding anger like a bubbling, thick, slimy, scorching hot liquid. You won't know they are angry and that's what is scary. You won't know when or if they'll explode.

~How do I say it that Air placements, especially big 6 (excluding Aquarius) are highly capable of cheating on someone without stereotyping? Like, I always thought that it was a Bias until I saw it happen as well. Maybe because of Rahu (North Node) in first house of Navamsa or I don't know but man, it sucks.

I know. You shouldn't blame your poor life choices on astrological placements but why does it always have to be Badly Aspected Rahu or Air placements (again, excluding Aquarius) more likely to do it?

~With that, let's take a deep breath and talk about Sagittarius Mercury. I swear I don't talk about Sagittarius placements much.

Blunt. Yeah. BLUNT ASF. I know, I'm stereotyping but god, this placement just says things as they are. No sugar-coating, no messing around. Even if they have a Capricorn dominant or Virgo dominant chart or some grounded placements, they'll still say whatever it is with a chilly voice.

They are the people whose words really sting. Also, these people aren't 'ride or die' friends, rather, they are those honest friends who'll call you out whenever you're wrong.

Many-a-times, they don't even mean to say it, and it just slips past their tongue. But well, we do not blame you at all Sagittarius Mercury. Hugs to y'all peeps.

[geospiral]

“I want to be someone’s stepping stone; I want the memory of me to haunt that person so that I may live through them and be beside them without having to stay. I know that's selfish and cruel, but if the path has already been laid out for me and I have no choice but to die, then I want to at least be able to choose who I die for. And to be honest, I will probably regret this decision when I’m lying there and spitting up my own blood, but at least it will be mine… and I think I can rest easy knowing that.”

Moran, a top student when it comes to all things excluding singing, can best be described as being Anakt Garden’s very own “Thinker.” Often found sitting on the very left edge of the garden’s box, she is willing to lend an ear to those in need.

Alien Stage OC Base made by @shakingparadigm

_____________________________________________________________

Anakt Garden:

Moran is not a person who will intentionally seek other people out, but she does enjoy when others come to her, usually in the form of seeking guidance. This guidance can range from simply helping a fellow student with their class work to teaching others some of what she knows about the Segyein’s entertainment industry, a topic that she is familiar with due to her upbringing. 

She likes talking about philosophy, giving general worldly advice, and being a mediator to her fellow classmates, trying her best to be an impartial judge.

Moran also likes “reading” other people’s fortunes as a kind of game. It’s not anything serious; you ask her a specific topic about the future, such as “Am I going to pass the test?” and then give her as much information as you can about your chosen topic in order for her to make an educated guess. If she guesses correctly, you have to give her something, and if she doesn't, then she’ll give something to you. The items are nothing big, just small treasures like a pretty stone from the stream or an Anakt Garden lollipop. Moran also keeps a small collection of things she finds or is given in case others would just like to do general bartering with her; however, she doesn’t hold any real attachment to the things she collects and will usually trade her items away in exchange for short-lived treats such as candy, drinks, or a bubble wand.

Moran gets along fine with the other students, and although she can be pretty blunt at times, to the point of unintentionally seeming rude, she does her best to stay on everyone’s good side. She was raised with many others under her Guardian, so she has always been used to living alongside her fellow humans; however, the experiences were not great, causing her to have trouble telling when others genuinely like her or wish to be her friend. It doesn’t help that it only seems that her classmates come to her when they need something.

______________________________________________________________

Background:

Moran’s Guardian, Rheya, is a well-known and respected theater director with a theatrical troupe composed of the many humans under her, raising them from a young age to be her personal actors. By having her plays consist of an entirely human cast, Rheya is able to push the limits of her plays' theatrics in ways that she simply could not when working with her fellow Segyeins. Her plays are touted for their stories and visual spectacles; however, they can tend to be extremely dangerous for the humans involved, with many sustaining real injuries throughout their performances.

Despite the humans of the troupe referring to Rheya as their "mother,” they do not view one another as family but rather as competition when it comes to gaining their Guardians' affection. Bullying amongst the group is commonplace; if one person is punished, everyone is, which leads to that one individual being viciously humiliated and outcast by their peers and being sent down levels in the troupe’s personal social hierarchy.

(Note: The troupe’s hierarchy is loosely inspired by that of the video game Rule of Rose; I haven’t played it, and it's basically impossible to do so without pirating, but I got the idea from the video analysis of the game by RagnarRox.)

Rheya did not want to stop her storytelling at just theater production; however, she wanted to extend her reach further and saw Alien Stage as a chance to do just that, devising a long-term plan to craft what will hopefully be one of her best stories. She wants the story to go like this: she will choose two of her humans, one to send to Anakt Garden and the other to stay with her, molding him into the next big celebrity pet. The one sent to the garden, Moran, would be used as fodder in order to boost the fame of the other human pet, Adam, under the guise that the reason she trained for and performed in Alien Stage was to gain the other’s attention, subsequently dying in the competition. Upon finding this out, Adam would then go on to perform in the next Alien Stage season after her to avenge the women who loved him, winning in the process.

Rheya doesn’t have any faith that Moran can survive her Alien Stage season, and neither does Moran herself, but while Moran is in the garden, she hopes to find someone who she can truly die for in the competition, someone she actually cares for, unlike Adam, whom she barely knows and has never loved. If Moran must die, she wants it to be meaningful to her and the one she adores. She wants to make it her own choice.

[blakeswritingimagines]

Aemond has to choose between you and your child.

Choosing the child:

A question that does make one think. It is a hard choice. One who is his blood, and one who is the love of his life. One who he has committed himself to in marriage, and one who is his most precious of gifts from the gods. However, he would ultimately choose his child. For it is his child who will one day inherit his legacy, not his wife. And a king must always choose his successors.

If it were, somehow, impossible for him to save you both, he would choose his child. The way he looks at it, you have already lived your own long life and had your own experiences, but the child’s life has barely begun.

His child is his blood, a piece of him and you. A thing that you made together. A small piece of him that can continue to live on after him. You are his love, but you are only a human. One that one day he shall be without. The child is his blood, his heir, and his legacy. He could not abandon them.

He would grieve at the loss of you. He would spend nights in tears over a choice he was forced to make. He would remember your name, your face, your touch. But his heart would remain strong. He would remind himself every day of why he made the choice he made. And he would carry you in his memories for the rest of his life.

He couldn’t bring himself to resent the child for what happened, as he knows that they did nothing wrong or intentional. However, they would serve as a reminder of what he did. Something he couldn’t help but feel guilty for. Especially when he sees you in them or how they act, he would not be able to forgive himself for what has happened. That is what he would truly resent.

It is only natural that the child comes first. You spend years with them, raise them, nurture them, mold them, and in the end, they become the pride of his life, for they are the ones who continue his legacy. When a wife dies, a man can simply remarry to another, but when a child dies, their future is forever lost. So, he would definitely choose his child over his wife, as harsh as that may be.

The choice cannot be based merely on emotion, but must be based in what is best for the realm. He feels it's his duty to provide stability and peace to the Seven Kingdoms. And if he is a father, it is his duty first and foremost to ensure his child survives. If you must give your life, so be it. But your child must survive. Such is the way of things.

He has thought about what it means to be a father on more than one occasion, especially as he has gotten older. He has come to the conclusion that he wants to be a father who is both kind, yet stern. One who is both loving to their sons and daughters, but would not hesitate to correct their behavior. He wants to be a father who is there for everyone, and is always available to listen to. A father who can instill the right values in his children.

Choosing you:

It is a question he prays he will never have to answer. To be faced with that decision would fill him with more dread than facing the most terrible of armies on the battlefield. He believes that a husband’s duty is to his wife, and a father’s duty is to his children. A man should never have to make such a choice. However, if he does find himself in that situation, he would have to choose you. As he has swore to love and protect you. You are his priority above all else.

A husband’s love for his wife is sacred. It is something special, that can never be duplicated with anyone else. It can only be found once in a lifetime, and it is something that is meant to be cherished. He could never love another person in the way he loves you. And he would never wish to. You are his chosen one. His soulmate. And he knows that if he was in such a situation, you would feel the same way about your child. You would choose your child. There is no question in his mind about that.

You have trusted him with your heart, and with your life. It is his responsibility to protect you, and to keep you safe. This also means to protect you from harm, and from losing the child. So, he would choose you. It does not mean that the child would not be a huge loss for him, it only means that he cannot break the trust you have given him.

His children are an extension of himself, thus protecting them is just as important. They represent the future of the dynasty, and are valuable. Yet they are not yet fully formed humans, they have yet to live their lives. You have lived and are fully formed, and in turn is therefore his priority.

Yes. If he has lost a child in favor of you, he would do all he can to try and have another. A child is an invaluable gift, he knows that as well as anyone. If he lost one, he would attempt to have another. And again, and again, until you have a whole flock to protect and love for you the whole lifetime.

The children rely on him, to provide them with love, food for their bellies, a roof above their head and all the comforts and privileges that he himself have had the privilege of benefiting in his childhood. He could only wish for a happy childhood for them as they are growing up, the same as he experienced. However, if he does find himself in a situation where he has to choose, he would choose you every time.

He also knows that in a society such as yours, the well being of a child depends greatly on the stability and care of the mother. If the mother dies then the child would be subject to uncertainty and chaos at a young age. This could affect their development and ultimately their well being, which would be a great tragedy. Therefore, he feels you are the correct choice.

[puntointerrogativo]

“we’re still debating certain things about whether certain events happened, but seeds are placed.” S.R.

“When you find [Lestat] in Episode 8, where is he?” Reid asks. “Has he come back to his own maker’s prison by his own choice, or is he put there? We’ve left space for that to be explored. I think it’s more interesting — and Rolin probably does as well, and it probably took me a longer time to get around this — to continue to give each individual character their own agency rather than saying, this person is the victim of this person, or this is the baddie and this is the goodie” S.R.

“Did Louis stage the Dubai interview because he had a hunch about Armand’s lie? Anderson says, “Yeah, I do,” in response to that question, and he’s been theorizing this since filming the Season 1 finale. Louis has never seen this interview as the chronicling of a suicide like Armand (as Rashid) described it, according to Anderson […] Suspecting Armand “was something that I started to get a sense of when we did that Season 1 Episode 7 moment of ‘the love of my life,’ because Rolin always talks about that as the end of The Graduate,” Anderson continues. “I was like, ‘Oh, it’s a cry for help.’ He found the person that he knew could draw the truth out of everyone, including himself.” J.A.

“that Armand was “forced” to direct the trial and that all of his subsequent punishment from the coven was “absolutely true. He directed it, but it wasn’t his choice to do it,” Zaman says.” A.Z.

Mmm, very interesting tvinsider article - first of all huge, GIGANTIC kudos to Sam because not knowing if your character’s doing what he’s doing by choice or if he’s being forced and tortured must not make it easy to do your job 😵‍💫 (not to mention the fun of trying to answer press questions, poor man).

Sooo, let’s say we go with this version and leave the books behind. It goes more or less like this:

The coven makes Armand choose, and he decides to sell Claudia and Louis out.

They “call” Lestat to testify, and he comes - because what else can he do? The trial will happen with or without him and if he’s there there’s a chance he can save them.

Armand directs the play. This one I’m a bit meh about but ok, he needs to prove himself, he has the experience, sadistic punishment, yadda, yadda…

Lestat and Armand don’t do the smart thing and work together against the coven presumably because previous history (Nicky) means Lestat doesn’t trust him. Also, from what we’ve seen they’re both kinda terrible at planning.

Lestat has limited energy and a choice to make - he chooses to save Louis. He has to watch Claudia burn. By now the coven knows better than to trust him and he’s either too traumatized or too drained (or both) to do much else. We don’t know if he faced retaliation from the coven.

Armand finally gets off his ass and frees Louis.

Louis goes feral and kills the coven. He’s convinced Armand was the one who saved him and wants revenge on Lestat.

He gets it in the only way he can: by going after his deepest fear. Lestat has handed him that weapon on a plate back in season 1 and it’s not the first time he goes after that particular soft spot.

Lestat feels guilty enough for both the 1x05 fall and Claudia to accept the punishment as due. He doesn’t tell Louis it was him who saved his life.

Louis traps himself in a 77 years long spite based relationship that he can’t leave without-in his head- letting Lestat win.

By 1973 he’s depressed enough and starved for connection enough to try the Interview and then walk into the sun.

Armand wipes his memories (probably consensually, extent uncertain) after calling Lestat - just to make sure Louis remembers why he can’t leave him.

Lestat thinks he died after he left him to Armand’s tender mercies. If he wasn’t in his rat-eating depression era before he surely is now.

By 2021 Louis has become, at least subconsciously, suspicious enough to contact Daniel for a second interview.

Daniel proves Louis really has an eye for spotting talent and gets him out of that farce of a marriage.

[farolero-posting]

Spring Cleaning

Hey! Happy 7th anniversary to OneShot!

I wanted to make something special for this day, and I would say this is... a little messy, but I think it is fitting for this day. OneShot is a really cool game, and most importantly, a unique experience, and I wanted to capture a little of that.

Without further delay, enjoy!

Summary: Niko does some chores and gets distracted.

Words: 1,674

(Click below to see the full fic)

Today was seasonal cleaning day, and Niko… was getting a little exhausted by now.

The teenager picked up the folder with yellowed paper sticking out of it, located at the bottom of the messy pile in the room’s top shelf, huffing from the effort to get it out of the shelf. The folder was a bright orange color, and had a sticker of an owl on the cover, their favorite animal. The art had smooth round shapes, giving the animal a cartoony look. There was a messier version of the same drawing, made with black pencil, where some of the lines were drawn several times to ensure the graphite would stick, making small dents on the plastic.

Recognition flashed on the teen’s eyes. They had not looked at this folder for… quite some time, actually. There was a period where they had looked at its contents as many times as they could, using the contents to evoke the memories of that journey.

They opened the folder, and giggled at the first doodle that greeted them.

Why was a ram with “baa” in scary letters the one they put on top? Heheh, maybe their past self wanted to play a prank on them. The drawing had a date on it, like most others.

Exactly seven years ago, to be precise.

Niko’s eyes were wide open, and they had to resist the urge to jump out of their position, standing on their desk’s chair. They closed the folder, pressing it against their body, and crouched down at a slow but shaky pace, before sitting on the chair, with one leg pressed against their body, and the other stretched, reaching for the floor.

“I didn’t know this was all the way up there… It’s been so long!” was all they could mutter.

It felt like a lifetime ago… though, while that is true, they still have a long life ahead, don’t they? Seven years was indeed almost half of their life, but seven years is nothing compared to what they have ahead of them.

It was weird to think of it that way now.  Many things change over the years.

The first month, they had taken days to make a drawing for everything that was in their mind, scared of losing the memory. 

When they turned nine, they started telling their dreams to their mama, so they could both remember.

When they were ten they even wrote a little about their journey for a school project… trying not to mention the fact it was all based on a real story.

They were around twelve when they first felt… an empty dread, looking at these drawings. 

There was one page, at the bottom of the pile, that caught their attention. It was a drawing of the top room of the tower; it wasn’t lit up yet, however. They had gone out of their way to paint the borders in purple pencil, the page curling around the corners. 

At the time, they hadn’t known what to do. They were at the peak of the world, and yet they felt they were at the bottom, holding it all together.

And you were… well.

When they were young, you were everything. You were Niko’s one company through it all. They barely knew you, but they trusted you fully. 

The last time Niko looked at this particular drawing, a few years ago, their thoughts had been bitter. 

Maybe that’s why it had been so long since they looked at the folder.

You… They knew you were their guide, but you also made choices that felt unfair. 

Why did you present the choice? 

Why did you wait so long for that? 

What secrets did you keep from them? 

And why go through all of it, only to discover that you could undo it, later on?

Niko was grateful to be home, but… they didn’t understand you.

And you couldn’t answer them, either.

Because you’re not a god. 

And you’re not there anymore.

Back then, both you and Niko were told you had one chance on your mission. And so Niko had taken care of the lightbulb that represented the sun of this world, following your words. It was a long journey, but you listened to them, and kept them safe. However… even with their best efforts, there was no choice at the end that would save both Niko, and that decaying land.. 

So Niko placed that choice on you. If Niko had been older, maybe they would have questioned this more. They would have more ways to look at the situation, to weigh down their options, and maybe take longer to finally make a decision. Instead, in both more and less time than they expected, but certainly a wrong amount of time, you told them what path they had to take. And Niko, respecting the wishes of the world’s god, had done it.

Except you weren’t god. You were someone looking at them through a window, generating the world that had imprisoned them, but not belonging to it. When Niko was twelve, they had realized that whatever the first choice was, the impact on you would not have been as big as it was for them. 

They were angry back then… But now… 

Now they couldn’t hold it against you. They knew better… and funnily enough, they remember their youngest self knowing better, too.

Niko placed the drawing aside, and as they did that, another one slipped out of the folder. This one was a drawing of pancakes with syrup. They weren’t the hazelnut ones their mama made (and now Niko makes them for her, too!), but they remember they were delicious, with a hint of a flavor they couldn’t quite name. The teen wondered if it was a product of that world that only existed there. Now, their older self with a hobby for baking, wished they could know what it was.

They remembered going there, right before the tower. Niko had asked you if it was okay to make a stop for some food, and you had taken them to the cafe, where they had gotten those pancakes. They knew you listened to them, and not only that, that you wanted to comfort them too, in any limited way you could. 

The next drawing they got from the pile showed a view from the top of the Refuge, taken from one of the tallest buildings. Niko’s town was close to a river too, but it wasn’t as close as the ones flowing around the Refuge. It wasn’t glowing pink, either. Niko had been to a big city now too, but it wasn’t anything like the one in that world. The Refuge was a unique city, among thousands of them. 

They remember you said you lived in a city, and they could only imagine it was like the Refuge, for years. Now they recognized there were many more options for what a city or a town could look like.

The next drawings were of the friends Niko met. Though they wish their artistic skills did them more justice, they couldn’t help but look at them fondly for what they represented. What would be of those people now? Do Calamus and Alula still live in the ruins? Is the robot lady —the drawing says her name is Silver— still in the Barrens? Did the Mr. Lamplighter get to sleep more with the Sun back? They smiled, thinking of the possibilities. 

Niko stumbled upon a drawing of the computers that made up the World Machine, and took it out to hold it closer, the glow in their eyes slightly reflecting on the paper. They remember drawing the screens with a ruler, to make sure it looked as good as a blueprint (but they know now that blueprints are more complicated than that). They also drew the Author’s children and themself on that page, holding the sun. It was them who reminded Niko what all the effort not to forget was for. 

And Niko would not have known of them without your help. Because you…, though you weren’t a god, you wanted to do something to save both Niko and everyone else. You cared enough to try to be more than just a guide, but someone who believed in a second chance as well. Someone convinced they were all worth it.

The last drawing on the pile was a journal with a yellow clover on the cover, along with the amber necklace, a glowing feather, and a six sided die. Niko never met the creator of that world in person. They simply had his letters, words of others and objects to remember him by. 

They understood why their mama gave them a hat passed down by her parents. They understood why she kept all their silly drawings.

And why hazelnut pancakes would be their favorite food forever, over any other kind of pancake.

They breathed in when they felt themself run out of air, and the shivering of their body almost made them burst into tears. You were a guide, a ghost and… a friend. And all they had of you was the memories of your voice.

Niko wondered if you missed them, if you would be happy to see them today. Niko didn’t narrate their thoughts aloud anymore, their life was also more hectic and complicated. They sometimes thought their younger self was a little silly. They were far from the child you knew.

But it was good to be there. To look at those old drawings, and get that same joy out of them. To enjoy the chances that were given to them, and know that, in some distant place, you are still with them, getting your own chances. 

Niko took a blank page from a stack on their desk and a pencil from their first drawer, and put something on it that reminded them of you, placing it on the top of the ram doodle. 

They hoped it would be the first thing they saw the next time they opened the folder. 

[nanomooselet]

Little but Fierce VIII

Knives is totally dismissive of Meryl. He acknowledges she exists all of three times.

Once in Vash's memories, to delete her from them; once as he's piercing the Core, to call her a parasite and dismiss her attempts to get Vash to wake up; and once to try and violently kill her because... she succeeded in waking Vash up.

Whoops.

I listed all those statements that Knives claimed to be the truth; now here's everything that I believe proves them false.

Vash is pretty, but he's useless without his brother.

Vash does not need his brother. He loves him - of course he does. He wants to save him. But he's never needed him. Rem was the one he relied on for support, and after her death, Vash was too afraid of Nai to give him that kind of trust. He's spent decades surviving away from him, something Knives simply will not acknowledge. He tries to remove Vash's autonomy because as long as he has it, Vash is at risk of abandoning him again, just as Rem did.

Remember that once Knives initiated the memory retrieval process, Dr. Conrad warned Meryl that breaking that connection would kill Vash? Knives made Vash need him, made him dependent. That's his idea of making Vash perfect.

He's a powerless, weak, pathetically naïve, blubberingly sentimental little baby who doesn't care about the Plants, too busy enabling humanity's abuse via performing his cringing, grasping abasement before them to notice how his brethren suffer.

Knives developed his powers first. But Vash's powers are greater. He can do everything a normal Plant can do; he can also do much more, and he's such a wonderful, kind and compassionate man, with amazing reserves of emotional strength. Knives wouldn't have had to try and subjugate him otherwise.

Vash personally talks to the Plants, cares for them, soothes their pain. And he's been doing that not just to help them, but to help the humans panicking because if the Plants died, so too would they. He spent years travelling between crash sites helping Plants and teaching humans to take care of them, assuming an authoritative role even as a little boy, and if he hadn't figured out he could do that, he would almost certainly have killed himself. Remember he finally made the choice to live in order to save a dying Plant, not a human - dying because the environment was incompatible. You know, because they'd all been crashed on a desert planet. Certainly many Plants are still suffering. Because Vash is the only one doing this. He can't rest or delegate. It has to be him alone; it all depends upon him.

And Knives has been too busy playing his stupid piano to take any notice. And having other people do things for him. Oh, and making it damn near impossible for Vash to do what he does, partly because Vash has been convinced he bears all the responsibility and accepts the punishment himself. It's incredible he's held up even as well as he has.

If Knives is even aware Vash can heal Plants, he likely wouldn't care, because he views Plants in dependent form as imperfect, the same way he has contempt for Vash's fondness for eating. When Vash tried to talk to him about the needs of the other Plants based on his own direct experience, Knives didn't just shut him down by calling what Rem said a lie, he started mocking Vash's grief over her death, complaining that she inconvenienced him. He isn't interested in an alternative. His is the only way. It always has to be his way; that's been reflected in all his abuse.

Knives himself is the more powerful (and much less human-like) of the twins; the strongest and most righteous activist for necessary change now that, sadly despite all good faith attempts at communication, non-violent solutions have failed.

Remember Zazie, Elendira and Vash himself all have said don't judge by appearances. Yeah, Knives's colouration makes him look a bit more like the dependents than Vash does. That doesn't mean he's less human.

When he first started using his chosen name, Knives was doing nothing to help his brethren in the wake of the Fall. All he did was retaliate against humans and obsess over Vash. He bet everything on being able to carry out his plans using his brother's power. He didn't bother to communicate with any human other than Dr. Conrad. Seriously, count how many humans he addresses directly in the series. The total shrinks to one if you leave out those he doesn't immediately try to kill.

As for the "less human-like" part...

Dr. Conrad and Knives believe a soul is what gives a Plant free will, makes an Independent. Knives is referred to as an angel, and as perfect.

But angels don't have souls, so much as they are souls - they're beings of spirit, not matter. Humans are the ones who have both souls and material bodies. The dependents are in their tanks because their bodies can't survive outside of them. What makes Vash and Knives what they are isn't a soul. It's their humanity.

Thus I simply can't take the idea that Knives is "perfect" at face value. I stand by the assertion that Knives, in defining all humanity as selfish and greedy parasites, inadvertently exposes how human he is himself.

He truly has only the best and most altruistic intentions: the freedom of his people, and the happiness of his brother.

Look at what he did to Vash. The only other member of his kind he knows to be a person, and he chained and silenced him. Look at how often Knives is around dying Plants, dying because of the situation he forced them into. Do you believe it?

I don't. I find no truth in his words. I can count on one hand the moments I think he's being honest about anything. And I'd like this to be kept in mind as I continue.

I said before that the series seems mostly to take on Knives's point of view, and it's worth also keeping that in mind - especially when you remember the Punisher was Knives's chosen, custom-tailored agent. A gift. He was the one Knives obviously expected would become Vash's chief emotional support; all the better to kick it out from under him. After all, his brother is the one Vash truly loves; the brother who is a weapon, a punisher of human sin, who's done all he's done for his family. Who better to bring Vash home than an imperfect replacement, reminding him of what it was in his life that's been absent for so long? His human inadequacy would add strength to Knives's argument. And so focus goes to Wolfwood, showing how being forced to take on this role has made him suffer. He is, literally, pivotal; his backstory and conflict is revealed and resolved in 6/7, the midpoint of the series.

Naturally, it just demonstrates all the ways Wolfwood isn't like Knives, and that Vash never needed his help. Wolfwood is the one saved by Vash, not the other way round.

So… because Knives was so focused on Wolfwood and what he would mean to Vash, he never once thought Meryl mattered, not to Vash and not to the Plants and not to the world at large. She's a parasite, nothing more. There's no way some silly officious little womanchild with no weapons or powers could mean anything.

Right up until the moment she did, and he promotes her instantly, all the way from insignificant to tango primary.

Meryl in his mind goes from insect he can't be bothered to swat to an ideological threat on the level of Rem Saverem, and he starts shrieking denials that she's beaten him. And remember that I said you should believe the opposite of whatever he says?

She has.

Because she loves Vash. (Platonic or romantic as usual doesn't matter.) She's chosen to follow him even to the edge of reality. Though she found Vash frustrating, she didn't try to change him, nor does she need or want anything from him. She saw how much strength he had, what he could do if someone just had faith. When Vash declares I won't stop until they believe in me, he can draw hope from the assurance that Meryl already does. And unlike Rem, Luida, Rosa - Knives can't do jack-shit about it.

And Vash, in turn, has deep appreciation for her support. She tied him up all the way back in ep 1 - which I called "laying a claim" - and here Vash reciprocates, binding them together. She's lent him her agency, her independence, and she didn't have to resort to anything like the grotesque extremes Knives did. It required no more or less from her than unyielding love - an ordinary human's love. Just like Rem. Thank you, Meryl. I heard her voice through you.

Her love is rooted in seeking and embracing the hard truth rather than shoring up a comforting lie. When Vash starts to break free of Knives's illusion, it's by holding to the truth - it was Rem who promised to protect him, not Nai. Nai isn't an innocent little boy anymore but monster of metal chains and blades, something Vash has every reason to run from. Rem loves Vash no matter what's been done to him, and Knives cannot kill her as long as she remains alive in him. Knives is too frightened to face the truth, regards it with so much terror he tries to flee back into the ignorance of the childhood before he learned it. In contrast, Meryl's courage and conviction, her dedication to seeking and spreading truth, is so strong in her they steel that which is within those surrounding her; Roberto, Wolfwood, even in Vash. She may be small, but her power is sufficient.

Never ever overlook Meryl motherfucking Stryfe. That's a mistake so great it can see a man go from the threshold of victory to on fire.

And I'm still not done talking about her. One more instalment.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part IX

[cadybear420]

Cadybear's Reviews- Murder at Homecoming

Welcome to the thirty-seventh official Cadybear's Reviews! Today I'll be talking about Murder at Homecoming, which I have ranked on the "Platinum Tier" at 9 stars out of a possible 10. My last and only playthrough of this was during September-December 2022.

This is definitely one of the better, if not the best release, of 2022, and it’s easily among my personal faves. 

A MC who is proactive and gets shit done, multiple LIs, highly compelling story. How can I not love that? All three of the LIs are amazing characters– and Tyler especially is just precious. I think he’s the first love interest I have ever adored nearly as much as I’ve adored Aiden. I miss when we had male LIs that are just so babygirl. 

The incorporation of mature topics and queer themes was especially excellent. MTFL, take notes! Because THIS is how you write a teen story that talks about queer sexuality and mature behaviors. Besides maybe BiBound I mean BloodBound, this is probably the first book in Choices where each LI has some degree of confirmed sexuality outside of their LI option status for the MC. 

One thing that’s especially notable is how Tyler will talk about how he used to think he was straight if you romance him as a male or enby MC. I normally don’t mind much when LIs in GOC stories are made with the “playersexual” style of writing, but these sort of little changes are a good show of effort and give Tyler more character.

But of course, it’s not without a handful of problems. 

Like COP (1), the story is incredibly linear and none of the clues or choices really affect your story. Sure, they give you a bit of extra background, but that’s about it. 

The only choices that really have any impact are the stuff related to the queer discussions, Tyler’s romance route, and how the options for how your MC can talk about their queer experience can change based on your MC’s gender and romance choices. Which is still highly praiseworthy, don’t get me wrong, but I’d have loved to see some variation in the other elements of the book too.

And as much as I did enjoy this MC and do consider them one of the more refreshing ones, they were also a bit too rigid and pre-set for me at times. I get that some MCs will need to have pre-set details about them, and to some degree that does apply to this MC, but it was a bit much at times. Like, there was especially no need to give them a default first AND last name. I do like the aspect of MC preferring to go by their middle name, but we still could have been allowed to change their first and last names too, to be honest. 

I found it really hard to feel for the loss of Perdita for this reason; the traumatic event backstory didn’t feel as well established, compared to that of ILITW and ACOR MCs. Though to be fair, I do remember there being a handful of premium scenes to see a memory with Perdita, and I do remember skipping all but two of them. 

But even then, I never felt she had quite as much importance as the writers clearly wanted her to have? Outside of being a motivator for MC to solve Gabbie’s case and allowing MC to connect with Donovan better. Maybe my opinion on this might change after I give it a replay, though. 

That being said, I’m actually fine with the story not telling us what really happened to Perdita, as much as I’d have loved a continuation for this book. MC not knowing what happened to Perdita is what motivated them to solve Gabbie’s case, and in that regard, the two cases kind of juxtapose one another. Whereas MC is able to get closure for Gabbie’s case, they don’t do that for Perdita’s case.

That makes the ending a little more nuanced in my opinion. Sometimes, we don’t always get closure for these kinds of things. While I’m still mixed on how well the story integrated Perdita, this message was handled decently and didn’t feel like it was in bad spirit. 

So if there were a continuation for this story, I wouldn’t mind it being centered around MC finding Perdita, motivated to work on that case more actively after their success with Gabbie’s case. But rather than having them solve the case, it can mostly center around them struggling between whether they should keep up that search, or leave it as a cold case and move on. 

Overall, definitely a higher-tier and very respectable story that definitely deserves a replay. 

[ordon-shield]

Ok, so recently I saw this post by @tenten18282 and the art got me thinking so gave some AUs based on it! (Using the LU names since it’s what they used but this could also be seen as general LoZ).

(Content warnings for the expected, mention of suicide, some mild body horror, character death).

Bellum!Wind

It starts when Bellum takes over Wind instead of Linebeck. Linebeck has to take up the Phantom Sword to fight him. He tries his best but it’s not enough, even when he’s able to attack the weak spot with the help of Ciela, it’s too late. Bellum is a parasite that’s now fully integrated with Wind’s body, making it impossible to separate the two of them without killing him. Oshus appears, saving Linebeck, Ciela, and Tetra, but leaving Wind behind.

In the aftermath they end up in an unwilling partnership of sorts. Bellum gives Wind the freedom to do the human things like eating food or talking because it’s more convenient that way, but controls the body most of the time. At one point Wind tries to get rid of both of them, with the logic that at least Bellum would be dead, but it doesn’t work, and in the aftermath he starts to become more cynical about everything. He slowly starts to resent the freedom of the people caught by the Ghost Ship, working more with Bellum, and offering them cruel choices with no good options a

Ganon!Hyrule

It starts when he’s caught by servants of Ganon looking to revive him using his blood, but he manages to escape halfway through the ritual and at first, everything seems fine. Then he starts to hear the whispers, subtle nudges that feel like his own thoughts. They build on his paranoia, anyone could be an enemy, they drive him to get stronger, to keep himself safe. Eventually he notices that where he once would have risked his life standing between a traveller and a monster attacking them, now he quietly moves away before he’s even noticed. After that, the whispers in his mind shift in their goals. Now they tell him he should be fighting the monsters, that he should be figuring out how to use his magic to take out more at once, that he should be making them fear him. When a group of monsters he’s been going after particularly ruthlessly offers their loyalty if he stops hunting them down… why not take the deal? It keeps everyone safe after all and he doesn’t even have to fight.

Through all of this, he starts getting dreams, ones he only remembers impressions of at first, of a desert in the distant past. Trusting his own mind less and less, he decides that he should give the Triforce to the Zeldas to protect, but the moment he sees them he has to fight the overwhelming desire to attack. His case is more one of a gradual merge, the centuries of memory held by Ganon and the strength of his emotion overriding what was there before. He still remembers his past, still cares for the people he knew… it just takes a lower priority now.

Vaati!Four

At the end of the final fight with Vaati in The Minish Cap, he realises he’s about to loose, so he uses the Mage’s Cap in a last ditch effort to survive. Only one person comes back from that fight and he looks like Four… but he’s completely lost his memories. His grandfather and Zelda try to help him recover his memories, but he can’t seem to manage it, not even remembering some simple everyday things. He discovers an interest in magic, something that gets attributed to his experiences with magical items during his quest, and he tries to see if there’s a magical method to recover his memories but can’t find one. He also has off dreams, ones where he’s attacked by his own shadow screaming in fury.

For the next few years, everything is peaceful— until Hyrule is attacked by Ganon, a Gerudo man corrupted by the ancient darkness of a magical trident, and Zelda asks him to draw the Four Sword once more. He draws it, splitting into four aspects of himself, but Ganon takes advantage of his distraction to steal away his shadow, giving it a physical form. The Shadow joins Ganon willingly on the condition that he be offered the power necessary to defeat the four he came from. Of the four heroes, taking the names Green, Blue, Red, and Vio, the latter is the most different. He’s much better at magic than the other three, something they attribute to him being the smart one, and he keeps pushing for them to go after their Shadow and defeat it.

Eventually they end up fighting the Shadow and that’s when the truth comes out — the Shadow is actually the original Four, and the one that drew the Four Sword was Vaati possessing his body. When they split, Vio was able to access some of Vaati’s lost memories. Before the others can fully process the reveal, Vio kills the Shadow by shattering the mirror he was tied to. After defeating Ganon, they debate over whether they should merge back together or not, as they could regain their memories of being Vaati, and they’ve grown used to their life as the hero of Hyrule. In the end they agree and merge back into one. Zelda is there to welcome them home and realises too late that they’ve betrayed her, with Vaati revealing himself, and extracting the light force inside her.

Majora/Fierce Deity!Time

In the final fight with Majora in the heart of the Moon, Majora sees how powerful he is with the Fierce Deity mask and decides to take that power. The mask is forced onto his face, over the mask of the Fierce Deity which fights back, trying to protect him, but during the fight they become irrevocably intertwined with each other and to Time. He technically still has control of his body, but he’s sharing his mind with two other entities that have strong opinions on what he should do. Even if he he tries to just ignore them he ends up with debilitating headaches that keep him from doing anything at all. For a while he tries to just stay on the Moon, but the entities inside his head push him to leave, Majora wanting to terrorise Termina once more, and the Fierce Deity wanting to defend it. Leaving the Moon, Time soon ends up doing something he regrets and in his panic, he plays the Song of Time, resetting back to the First Day. He doesn’t have to worry about Majora, the mask he brought back with him replacing the one that was originally in that timeline, but now he has a way to erase anything he does at the urging of the mask now fused to his face.

Sometimes he’ll follow the desires of the Fierce Deity, befriending and helping the residents of Termina. But sometimes… he listens to Majora instead, taking what he’s learnt through the cycles against those he once considered friends. Sometimes they even summon the Moon once more, and wait for the last possible moment to play the song and set it all back to the beginning.

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Fast Car (Tracy Chapman)

You got a fast car, I want a ticket to anywhere/Maybe we make a deal, maybe together we can get somewhere/Any place is better, starting from zero got nothing to lose/Maybe we'll make something, me myself I got nothing to prove

So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car/Speed so fast, I felt like I was drunk/City lights lay out before us/ And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder/And I-I, had a feeling that I belonged

You got a fast car/Is it fast enough so we can fly away?/We gotta make a decision/Leave tonight or live and die this way

"I know it's an obvious one but YOU try playing it without crying I dare you"

"I cant explain the yearning but this makes me howl"

"OH GOD the longing!! The yearning in the recurring central image of the narrator and her lover on the highway, feeling this sense of limitless possibility and incredible hope!!! And then the verses take us with brutal efficiency through the collapse of their marriage, the way that the cycle of poverty stomps down on their hopes, and how with nothing left, the narrator does what her mom did and leaves!! Leaving the kids to experience the same thing she did growing up!! But it’s all punctuated and bookended by these callbacks to that central iconic memory of hope!!!!! But by the end we realize that the last line “leave tonight or live and die this way” offers only the illusion of a choice: when the narrator first runs away and later when she leaves her husband and kids, she’s still fulfilling her role in this cyclical generational story. God!!"

Without You (Phemic)

Why, I would have followed where you led/If I could bleed, I would have bled/If I could give myself instead/If I could give you what he gave you/Anything to save you

"What if you based your entire life and personality and purpose and meaning around your love of another person, and not only did they not love you back in the same way, THEY gave their life for something you find totally insignificant? what if they gave their life SO you could have that world without them? what if their last wish was that you could never tell anyone the truth about your love? What if you were gay for your best friend and she left you behind. What are you without her? What is "yourself" without her?"

Fast Car submitted by @smallboyonherbike + @uchihasasukeofficial + @all-our-exploring

[happyzyx]

zhang yixing for basic stardom magazine, 21st issue 2023 – interview transcription

THE DREAMER FROM CHANGSHA: An Interview with Chinese Rapper and Performer Lay Zhang

Tagged the “King of China” by his fans in Asia, the highly-praised musician, dancer, actor, and author, Lay Zhang, is rising to glory as he continues to hone his craft and inspire the world with infinite ambition. Headlining MetaMoon last year, the inaugural New York-based music festival, as part of his first-ever solo global tour “Grand Line 2: Infinite Lands” and releasing into 2023 with a remarkable agenda.

While getting his start from the well known K-Pop boy group EXO, Zhang furthered his growth as an individual artist, accumulating over 70 million followers across all social media platforms and magnifying his career through evocative performances and stellar roles in both television and film. His captivating journey has not only forged him into an international superstar, but has also led him to become the highest-ranked Mando-pop star on the Billboard 200 chart in 2018, and the first Chinese artist to enter the iTunes Top 60 in the U.S. with his third solo album Namanana.

Q. You dove headfirst into the music industry after enrolling in the Star Academy talent show in 2005, where you unexpectedly became a finalist in the series. While you never thought you’d ever become an artist, what changed for you during this time in your life?

ZYX. While Star Academy, I was critiqued a few times on stage for not being professional enough. Hearing that gave me the motivation to prove them wrong and become better in all aspects. I like proving people wrong. It’s a good challenge. At the time, I wanted to prove to the judges and fans that I could be better. Becoming the artist I am today wasn’t what I originally had in mind. Looking back, I think I became an artist as I started to improve on my weaknesses. It was not a conscious choice, but rather the desire to prove that I could be better and show everyone that I could be professional.

Q. In 2008, you trained as a performer in South Korea, eventually debuting as a part of the K-pop group EXO. Talk to us about your journey and how you ended up here and now.

ZYX. Going to Korea and leaving both my hometown Changsha and my mother was scary. There were hours and hours of training in a completely foreign environment. Sometimes, after training, I would go downstairs to the practice room and learn how to produce music. It was unusual for a trainee to be that interested in producing music and I was not very good at it. Becoming a dancer for SHINee was a huge milestone for me. It showed me that I was on the right path. Then, when I made it into EXO, I was overjoyed. In the early days, we traveled a lot between China, Japan, and South Korea. There were a lot of happy memories going into the studio and practicing new songs with my members, but nothing could compare to performing with them live. I felt, and still feel, so proud to be an EXO member and to see everything that we accomplished together. When I started doing more solo activities, I found it challenging. All of a sudden I had to do things alone and without my members by my side. It was hard, but it made me grow and helped me to become the person I am today. Now, my schedule is always filled with commercial shoots, television shows, variety shows, recording music, and trying to be an entrepreneur.

Q. After 10 years with EXO, you finally decided to focus on your solo career. How did your experiences with EXO and in South Korea influence the artist, dancer, and businessman you are today?

ZYX. My brothers in EXO gave me so much strength and motivation to become the best artist and person I could be. I did a lot of training in Korea. While it was tough, it gave me the skills I needed to become an artist and dancer that I am today. I reflect on those days often when I help train my trainees. I want to make sure I give them everything I had and more. I met a lot of talented people who took the time to explain things and trained me. I have deep gratitude for that time in my life.

Q. How did you discover your individual sound and personal brand since venturing out on your own? Who and/or what have been some of your most prominent influences?

ZYX. I’m not sure that I have found my sound yet. I like making music and performing. I would love to spend all of my time on stage and in the studio, but I think it’s the same with my brand, where I’m still experimenting and in the process of discovering it. Now that I’m over 30, I have to figure out who I want to be in the next decade. In the past, I’ve taken inspiration from people who have been able to dance, sing, and perform. I also appreciate people who are kind and hardworking.

Q. Sharing your culture with the world is incredibly important to you. Talk to us about the process of merging languages, as well as Eastern and Western influences into your music.

ZYX. I am blessed to have many talented musician friends around the world. Normally, I’ll work with a producer and songwriter in Los Angeles. I’ll have about a week of song camp sessions where we are locked in the studio from noon to midnight. We’ll spend time making music, vibing and dancing nonstop. I also learn a lot of English and we eat a lot of cookies during these sessions. Once we’re done, I’ll take the recording back to China and talk to my team and other creative friends about how we can incorporate Chinese instruments and stories into the music.

Q. How does it feel to be named the “King of China” by your fans and community?

ZYX. I don’t know if I’m the “King of China”. That’s a strong statement. I am just Lay Zhang from Changsha, China. I am a man who loves the people of his country and making music. For me, music is my arena where I get to challenge myself and others. I want to experiment and make better music. Sometimes, I’m down to “battle” people when it comes to music, but it’s always in good spirits and fun.

Q. You are in the process of making new music to be released this year. Talk to us about your creative process. Is there something you do to get into a creative state of mind?

ZYX. Music gets me excited and making music gets me even more excited. I’m always looking for a reason to get into the studio. I don’t really need to put myself in a creative state of mind. I wait all day, sometimes weeks, to get into the studio and explore my ideas. and if I can’t wait any longer, I’ll just pull out my laptop and start making beats whenever I am. I always enjoy testing out my ideas and making music feels like the most natural medium for me to express them right now.

Q. How do you think your music is being experienced by others?

ZYX. I hope people are happy when they listen to my music. When they play songs like “Veil”, I hope they are dancing in a room with their friends and having a good time. I live seeing people so covers and reacting to my music in different ways.

Q. What kind of impact do you hope to achieve through your artistry and career as a whole?

ZYX. I hope that I can inspire to not only go after their dreams, but to also give it their all as they pursue them. Dreams are precious and beautiful. I want people to treat their dreams with the most respect. Respecting your own dreams will make them come true.

Q. In what ways do you ensure you are continuously evolving, both as an artist and the person you are away from the public eye?

ZYX. I have many teachers, mentors, and staff who give me a lot of advice. They’ll tell me the ways in which they think I should work on my vocals or how to handle certain meetings. I always want the people around me to be honest—all facts, no cap. If I’m not good, let me know so that I can get better.

Q. What message would you like to send to the world about who you are and what you stand for?

ZYX. Hi, it’s Lay. I’m a dreamer who hopes that everyone can achieve their dreams in this lifetime.

Q. Can you tell us about a project or piece of work that you’re particularly proud of?

ZYX. I live all my projects like they are my children. No child is better than the other and they all came at important stages of my life. My most recent project was West, and this was fun to release because “Veil”, the title song of the EP, was made almost five years ago, back in 2018. I normally make my records at least a year in advance, so it was great to hear “Veil” again. When I discussed it with my team, we all knew it needed to finally come out. With West, I even made “3 Wishes” on Zoom. We were in little boxes waving to each other and just hoping the internet was good enough so that we could hear all the sounds being made. Then, we’d go offline, do our own parts, and send them. There were times when someone would get knocked offline and then we’d have to wait even longer. The making of West was very fun and different project.

Q. How do you handle creative blocks or moments of self-doubt?

ZYX. To be honest, I don’t have many creative blocks, but that is probably because I’m constantly learning and doing something different. Self-doubt is tough, but I’m always reminded of all the people I have around me who depend on me. I also think about my fans who have supported me this entire time. It gives me the power to know I can’t let them down.

Q&A

Q. Who is your favorite designer?

ZYX. Pier Paolo Piccioli. He has been just a dear friend to me.

Q. What are the last three songs you played?

ZYX. “3 Wishes” by LAY, an unreleased demo I’ve been working on, and “God’s Plan” by Drake.

Q. How would you describe yourself in five words or less?

ZYX. Artistic, determined, passionate, a dreamer, and serious.

Q. What is the most challenging aspects of being and artist of your stature?

ZYX. There is a lot to do. My schedule has always been packed and full of activities. It’s a good thing because it means people still like me and want to see me. As I get older, I know I’ll get less popular, and fewer people will care about my music and career. It’s a big scary to be totally honest. It’s something that I will have to learn to deal with.

Q. What would be doing right now, if it wasn’t for your music career?

ZYX. If I wasn’t an artist today, I would probably be a music teacher. I would definitely still be doing something related to music.

Q. Who would you most like to collaborate with?

ZYX. I want to work with people who are innovating and pushing themselves creatively. I feel so inspired by people who are able to produce, write and sing. I really aspire to work with open-minded people.

Words by KIMBERLY HADDAD

©小羊扛起霸王龙就跑

[wander-over-the-words]

Make Like An Atom

Summary: In which Nick’s “brother” is having his partner join a cult, and Nick might just have one or two grievances about that.

Characters: Nick Valentine, [Male] Sole Survivor (Nathan “Nate” West), Grand Zealot Richter; mentions of DiMA, Kasumi Nakano, Brian Virgil, Old Longfellow, High Confessor Tektus, Ellie Perkins, Father/Shaun, Paladin Danse, original Nick Valentine, Kenji Nakano, Eddie Winter, Piper Wright, Nat Wright, Dogmeat, Codsworth, Synth Shaun, John Hancock, Skinny Malone, Jennifer Lands.

Pairing: [Male] Sole Survivor/Nick Valentine.

Warnings: cult-related business, use of derogatory language toward the mentally ill (nothing people don’t call the Children of Atom in canon), radiation poisoning, description of vomiting; mentions of death, murder, execution, firearm usage.

Disclaimer: The Sole Survivor in this is based off how I played him - personality, looks, choices and all.

Notes: First Fallout 4 fic. Takes place during Far Harbor, and after the main story. I’ve always thought it was really sweet how genuinely worried Nick sounds when the Sole Survivor has to join the Children of Atom (he sounds like he’s trying to talk them out of it when it comes to going into the Nucleus), so here’s a fic about Nick being concerned about his bf joining a cult that worships something that could potentially kill him. Cause y’know you probably would be too. And let’s be real: that scene where the SS has to drink the irradiated water must look worrying as hell from Nick’s point of view.

Extra notes: This fic has literally been sitting around for about a year and I’m sick of having it hanging over me, mocking me, so I’m using the excuse of the “obligatory posting Nick Valentine content on Valentine’s Day” to finally get the damn thing posted.

All material belongs to Bethesda.

Fic available on AO3.

…

This is going too far. To hell with it - it’s already gone too far.

Nick honestly - shamefully - hadn’t thought much of it when DiMA wanted Nate to pose as a new recruit for the Children of Atom in order to gain access to their base. His mind had been so clogged with the recent revelations: the possibility of DiMA being family, this supposed information that his own head is failing to store all of his memories, Kasumi’s worries that DiMA is up to mischief, the fact that this case is proving to be a bigger doozy than just leaving the familiarity of the Commonwealth to find one lost girl.

And besides - the Children haven’t seemed like that big a threat until this point, at least in Nick’s experience. There’d been those who had attacked when people had trespassed upon their property (but, hey, who doesn’t do that in the Commonwealth?), but the bunch he and Nate had encountered in the Glowing Sea had been friendly, if just weary. Friendly enough, at least, to give them directions to Virgil’s cave, and to do no more than that.

Turns out, the folks back in Far Harbor had been right when they said everything on this island was bred nastier than that of the Commonwealth. Even extends to the people.

Stumbling upon the Children’s little ‘test of faith’ was not only proof of that, but a pretty fine wake-up call.

It’d been an even bigger wake-up call when the Grand Zealot told Nate what he’d need to do, to see if ‘Atom’ wanted Nate in their beloved group: go and drink irradiated water from the spring nearby and see what ‘Atom’ showed him.

Of course - Nate being Nate - he’d headed off without hesitation, and once they’d gotten to the spring and their geiger counters had started going haywire, Nick had had to speak up. He’d tried to suggest they just lie and say they did it.

Nate had brought up the prospect of them saying the wrong thing and losing the chance to get into the submarine base; joining up and thus doing what the Children asked of him was the only way to get in through non-violent means, like DiMA had wanted (not that non-violent means wouldn’t have been the plan anyway, as Nick’s proud to say he and his guy are on the same page about unnecessary violence).

Nick knows Nate well enough to know that he was going to go through with drinking the damn water, no matter what Nick said, so Nick had told him to at least take a Rad-X before doing this, but Nate had frustratingly turned that down too by ‘reminding’ him that the Children were obviously hoping the rads would do something to him, and the Rad-X might stop that from happening. Assured him he’d be fine, he’s gotten dosed with rads before, they have RadAway handy, everything will be fine.

Then he’d cupped his hands under the trickling water, brought it to his lips and swallowed it down.

Nick can’t begin to describe the panic that’d shot through him when Nate had choked, spraying water from between his teeth as he fought not to spit it out, and collapsed against the rocks, violently coughing, gasping for air; Nick had raced to grab the RadAway from their supplies immediately when he’d heard Nate gasp like he was shocked, and he’d looked up to find Nate staring, staring, up at the rocks above them, at…at something. When Nick had looked, he’d seen nothing - there’d been nobody there, his detection programming wasn’t picking up anything, but Nate had obviously been so sure, for he’d tracked it with his eyes as he’d stumbled away from the rocks, out of the spring, following this…thing he was seeing.

And then he’d taken off, staggering into Fog so thick, he’d almost immediately become a silhouette, and Nick had torn after him, calling for him and asking him what was wrong, what was he seeing.

He hadn’t gotten any answers at the time; Nate was muttering to himself, looking around like the world was unfamiliar to him, and Nick had turned up his auditory receptors to hear him. Occasionally, Nate would stop and say something to somebody - a confused “E-Excuse me,” or “Hello?” - or tell himself this couldn’t be real, and a couple of times, Nick had nearly jumped out of his synthetic skin when Nate had cried out in alarm and stopped suddenly like he was avoiding something, nearly making Nick crash into him.

Nick’s just glad he’d been coherent enough to take down the ferals waiting for them at the shrine Nate’s delusions had led them to. The second Nate had stopped talking nonsense and seemed to come back to reality - when Nick could hear him trying to work out the password to the terminal in the shrine - Nick had been pulling his sleeve up to find a vein to pump RadAway into, ushering Nate to sit down outside while he recovered.

Frighteningly, Nate’s face had been grey, he’d been bleeding from his nose and from the scrapes on his forehead and cheeks from where he’d crashed into the rocks back at the spring, and Nick had spotted a few loose strands of hair on the shoulders of Nate’s coat. Before Nick could get a needle into his arm, Nate had swatted his hands away, grunted out a request for him not to look, and had promptly vomited onto the ground beside them, which brought perhaps a small amount of relief that the poisoned water was officially out of Nate’s system (alongside some of that mirelurk jerky Longfellow had given him).

Once he’d successfully started to get RadAway into Nate’s system and collected a purified water from their supplies to wash his mouth out, Nick had wrenched Nate’s road goggles up into his shaggy hair to see the dazed and fatigued look in his bloodshot eyes, and he’d asked Nate how many fingers he was holding up to check how well the RadAway was flushing the so-called vision from Nate’s system. Even treated him to a stimpak for the wounds on his face, once the radiation allowed for proper healing again.

That’d been another little wake-up call: the rads. Maybe he’d thought too little of it before. There’s no way the Nucleus is as bad as the Glowing Sea, but if it’s enough to keep these fanatics happy…Well, they might be out of their depth here.

Or, at least…Nate is.

There’d been some icon…thing in the shrine, and the Grand Zealot is so pleasantly shocked when Nate shows it to him (because, of course, even to these crazies, Nate would turn out to be something special), and then comes the point of no return.

“I am ready to follow His path,” Nate says.

“Then it will be so,” the Grand Zealot replies.

Nick can’t help himself; he speaks up without even really thinking about it.

“I’m not sure this is such a good idea,” he says. “We barely know these people.”

He catches the slight twitch of Nate’s head as he just barely stops himself from turning around and looking at Nick, and the Grand Zealot looks at him with disdain but says nothing to him. He sees the way Richter looks at Nate, as if expecting Nate to say something in his place, probably tell ‘his’ synth to pipe down, but Nate doesn’t acknowledge it, so Richter goes on like Nick isn’t even there.

He gives a nod to the icon in Nate’s hand. “Head inside and present the icon to the High Confessor once his sermon is done. He’ll be interested in seeing that. Once you’ve spoken with him, you should come see me. Have a task I think you’d be useful for.”

Nick doesn’t like the way he says that.

“And here.”

Richter reaches back and holds a hand out to the guard standing behind him, who hands him a mass of dark fabric and a pair of boots, and Richter gives these to Nate.

“Some more…appropriate attire.” His already-serious expression turns into a harsh frown. “But know this: we are all devoted servants to Atom here. Messenger or no, actions against the Family will not be tolerated.”

Glancing at the body still strewn on the ground nearby, Nick thinks back to the ‘test of faith’ and his coolant turns to ice.

The frown lets up; does this man ever smile?

“Welcome, brother.”

Icon tucked under his arm, Nate looks the outfit over, then smiles with a nod and tells Richter he’s just going to change into this, he’ll meet him inside.

Richter gives him a nod, and Nate and Nick are left outside as Richter disappears into the Nucleus.

Nate gives a huff of a chuckle as he turns around, carrying the bundle of fabric, the boots and the icon as he leads the way back in the direction they’d come.

“You’re gonna blow my cover with talk like that, Nick,” he says quietly over his shoulder as Nick follows him.

“Can’t say I’d be sorry to,” Nick says honestly and just as quietly. “I’m tellin’ ya, doll, I’ve got a bad feeling about all this, and my ‘bad feelings’ are rarely wrong. Come on. Maybe we should just focus on getting Kasumi home - make like DiMA and forget about all this.”

“What, and lose the chance to find out what’s in DiMA’s memories, even though it could end up affecting this whole island?” Nate says with a hint of dramatics, then gives a small snort as he adds, more seriously, “Doesn’t sound like the Nick I know…”

He disappears behind one of the junk fences lining the Children of Atom’s land; Nick stays on the other side to give Nate his privacy, trying to look nonchalant as he feels the eyes of the man at the door on him.

“Yeah, well, the Nick you know didn’t have to watch you poison yourself with rads and go running off into dangerous Fog whilst prattling on about some figure you were seeing. This Nick did, so he’s starting to think this whole ‘joining the Children of Atom’ thing might’ve been a step too far.”

“No turning back now,” Nate says, and Nick can hear the shrug.

Nick frowns softly and opens his mouth to reply, only to stop when the collar of Nate’s coat (the one Ellie had given him as part of the detective outfit he’d received along with the offer of being Nick’s new partner, old clothes of Nick’s) falls into view as it hits the ground, and another shot of ice goes through Nick’s coolant.

That coat has been fitted with ballistic weave, so Nate is shedding his armour for the sake of this charade - meaning he’ll have no protection if someone tries to hurt him.

God knows Nate’s been through some dangerous stuff, and he’s done amazing things since clambering out of Vault 111. He’s already played double agent before, in both the Institute and the Brotherhood (triple agent? Quadruple?), and those had had their own fair share of risks too, but this is…this is different. The Institute were overzealous boogeymen, and Nate had had his son’s good word to protect him, and the Brotherhood were high and mighty zealots who just liked to hear Nate say ‘Ad victoriam’, and they’d trusted Danse’s vouching for him, but these people?

Well, they’re just plain off their rockers, and there’s nobody this time around to make sure Nate is left unbothered in this irradiated hell of unpredictable cultists. And he wishes Nate wouldn’t just…dive head-in and play the hero so recklessly.

(He’s being a huge hypocrite, of course, and Ellie would laugh at his claim about having ‘feelings’ at all about cases, but this isn’t about him, it’s Nate who’s in danger here.)

“Sure there is,” Nick replies. “We just don’t go in an’ let these people try and indoctrinate us.”

“They’re already expecting me, Nick,” Nate says; his tie is discarded onto his coat. “I found this…icon thing, remember? And I saw the, ah,” he puts on a deeper voice of faux-awe, “‘Mother of the Foooog’!”

(Nick might’ve laughed, in another situation.)

“Besides,” Nate goes on over the sound of rustling fabric, “what would we tell DiMA if we didn’t even get to go into the Nucleus? What would we tell Kasumi?”

Nick arches a brow. “That the plan was nuts and we didn’t wanna go through with it?”

“Nick…” Nate says through a fond chuckle. There’s a beat where Nick only hears the shuffling of fabric again, then Nate adds, “We’ve already committed ourselves to the cause. You really wanna just leave Kasumi’s worries floating in the wind like that?”

No, of course, he doesn’t, but…

“Well, we…don’t hafta do it this way. Found another way into the Institute, we can find another way into this place, even if we just…grab ourselves a couple Stealth Boys and wing it.”

“Ah! Sooo, what you’re saying is: I drank some poisoned water foooor…nothing?”

Of all the times to show his wit…

“Nate…”

“Why the hesitation, Nick?” Nate says. “Kasumi’s counting on us, DiMA’s expecting results and the Children already think I must be some sort of figure the ‘Mother of the Fog’ is speaking through or…something. Besides -”

There’s a beat where Nate doesn’t say anything, just gives a grunt, and then there’s the clicking of metal.

Then comes a soft thud and Nick looks to see that it’s Nate’s shoe that has hit the ground, landing atop his fallen coat and tie, and he realises Nate is changing into those boots - that clicking had been the sound of his prosthetic foot being shimmied out of its shoe.

“ - this is an opportunity, remember? To find out if DiMA was telling the truth about you guys having history. Aren’t you excited about that, at least?”

“Not sure ‘excited’ is the word for it…” Nick mutters, brow furrowed as he casts his gaze to the ground, catching the sight of Nate’s second shoe joining the first out of the corner of his eye.

It’s been an uncomfortable lump in the back of his mind ever since DiMA apparently recognised him, the prospect that DiMA is right and Nick has just…forgotten him.

When he’d awoken in that junk pile, still of half a mind that he was the real Nick Valentine, he’d just assumed he was blending in with that which was around him: trash. The Institute’s trash that they’d - he didn’t know - gotten bored of. Maybe he wasn’t doing what he was told and so the Institute got tired of trying to tie their strings to his wrists and make him dance, maybe they’d just found a new project and decided this dingy old prototype wasn’t fun to poke and prod at anymore.

The idea that someone wanted him out, helped him escape…no. Never been a thought. With the way the Institute treated synths, the very idea of mercy, let alone help, was laughable. But a second prototype…sure, he’s wondered if he was the only one ever made, but the fact that another prototype had not only been made and been with him that whole time, but had assisted him in getting out, is…well, it’s knocking a screw loose.

Another prototype…A ‘sibling’. A ‘brother’. Is that how it works? Are they family because they were on the same assembly line? Because they were…‘raised’ together?

When he thinks of his time in the Institute, he thinks of the single room he was in, the feeling of knowing somebody’s eyes were always on him, the yanking of parts coming loose in his head as they pulled him apart and put him back together, but he never thinks of a face like his own. Of someone…being there, with him, in the room.

Was it DiMA’s eyes that were always on him, or their creator’s, or both?

It’s all so confusing, he’s dangerously close to being overwhelmed - so the fact that they’re getting nearer and nearer to potential proof is causing him all sorts of levels of trepidation. If DiMA is right about them being brothers, then he’s right about everything else: that he really is just forgetting things because he can’t stuff anymore memories into his head. He hadn’t remembered Kenji at first, after all…and if he can’t fit anymore memories in, then…how long will it be before his hardware starts tossing out other things, important things, more recent things? The good times he’s had as of late, the fact that he’d completed his mission to get revenge on Winter, the people he knows and loves? Their motley crew back at Sanctuary, and the likes of Piper, Nat, Codsworth, Dogmeat, Shaun, Ellie…Nate…?

The idea of that, it…it scares him. Badly.

But that isn’t what’s important right now. What is important is the fact that DiMA’s little plan is putting Nate in the heart of an irradiated cult who carelessly gun down their own and want to shove rads down Nate’s throat until he’s as sickly and insane as the rest of them.

“And I appreciate how eager ya are to help me with that,” Nick goes on, “but…”

“But…?” Nate presses him.

Nick hesitates, then comes out with it: “But no answer would be worth it…if it costs you, doll.”

There comes silence then, even the sounds of outfits being changed has stopped, and Nick waits for Nate’s answer to that. No doubt, some other attempt at getting him to agree to this harebrained scheme, knowing Nate. He does love what a do-gooder his guy is, but even he has his limits.

“...Nick, could you…come back here with me for a moment? I, uh…don’t think I’m putting this on right.”

Nick blinks once, surprised.

Not the response he’d expected from putting his heart on his sleeve; Nate’s priorities are getting a little skewed. Besides, he hadn’t thought those robes looked particularly difficult to put on - looked sort of just like a jumper and some trousers to him - but heck, what does he know about the uniforms of these loons?

“Uh…alright,” he says confusedly, putting a hand to the fence as he turns on the spot.

He steps behind the junk wall, and before he can process the sight of Nate before him in full uniform, the lapels of his coat are grabbed and he’s pulled forward so suddenly he nearly falls, and Nate’s body is crushed against his in a hug.

Caught off-guard, Nick takes a moment to fully recognise what’s happening, his body frozen and his hands hovering in the air, then his autonomy comes back to him and he returns Nate’s hug, slowly. His hands go to Nate’s upper back and he holds him as he feels Nate lean his head against his own, shifting his fedora. The man’s got only two inches of height over him, but somehow, he’s one of the few people who have ever made Nick feel…small.

“I’ll be alright, Nick,” Nate says, close to Nick’s ear, warmly but seriously. “I promise. I’m not gonna let them talk me into doing anything that I can’t happily be a part of. We’re just gonna go in there, grab DiMA’s memories and go, and we’ll figure the rest out later.” There’s a beat. “Besides, you…do know this is just an act, right? That I don’t really believe in all this ‘Atom’ junk?”

“Course I know,” Nick says, then sighs through his nose. “It’s just that this meeting with the Children of Atom turned out…a little different than what I expected. The folks we came across in the Glowing Sea didn’t even point a gun at us, but these people…”

He gives another small sigh, then breaks the hug so he can look Nate in the face, transferring his hands to Nate’s waist instead as he remains in Nate’s personal bubble.

Looking him in the face has become slightly more rewarding, since Nate has had the courtesy of moving his road goggles up into his chestnut brown hair, giving Nick the opportunity to have his own yellow eyes lock with Nate’s hazel-blue ones.

“Just…watch what you say in there, will ya? Don’t want you endin’ up like that other guy.”

He glances in the direction of the man who had been killed, and Nate puts a hand to Nick’s cheek and turns his head to bring Nick’s attention back to him.

“I always watch what I say. And if I don’t, well - I got you around to keep me in line, right?” he asks, and when he gets a small smile, he leans forward to kiss it.

Nick gladly returns his kiss, turning it from a simple peck to a deeper smooch, enough that both of them close their eyes and hold it for a few calming seconds before Nate breaks it to smile at him.

Nick still looks concerned, thinking back to the image of Nate, dazed and pale, bleeding from his nose, starting to lose his hair, sitting next to his own puke. Nate’s been hit with rads on their travels before, but Nick had never seen him look so…ill.

“Don’t suppose you…packed your hazmat suit?”

He knows how ridiculous he sounds - if Nate packed his suit, Nick would know it, his bag ain’t that spacious - and such as it is, Nate laughs at the prospect.

“No, I didn’t,” he adjusts Nick’s lapels, straightening them from where he’d grabbed at them, “and we don’t really have the time to head back to Sanctuary to pick it up. I’d…probably be offending them, anyhow.” He gives a hiss of a laugh. “They’d probably accuse me of,” he puts on a deeper, dramatic voice, “blocking Atom’s holy touch! Such blasphemy!”

Nick can’t help the short chuckle that leaves him as he hangs his head.

“Alright…” he says wearily. “I can see when I’m beat.” He lifts his head back up to look Nate in the eye seriously. “But you tell me if you start gettin’ sick, alright? Don’t try and play the tough guy act and muscle through it, not even if one of those Children are around to hear you complaining…I’m not losin’ you to rad poisoning.”

“I could end up as a Ghoul instead.” Nate shrugs a shoulder, looking up like he’s genuinely thinking about this. “Hancock’s always saying I’d make a great Ghoul.”

“Yeah, well, he would.” He gives Nate’s waist a shake. “But I’m bein’ serious here.”

“I know, Nick. I’ve been watching my rad count ever since I realised my Pip-Boy has a geiger counter.” Nate looks at him and smirks. “Since when did you go all Mother Hen?”

“Since my guy decided drinking poisoned water for the sake of a bunch of cultists was a good idea.”

“Leeet’s be honest here, Nick: is it really…the weirdest thing I’ve ever done?”

“I’ll get back to you on that verdict,” Nick says dryly, “depending on what happens next.”

Nate laughs, leaning in to Nick’s embrace, and thusly, Nick brings him in and holds him close.

Best thing to happen to him in perhaps ever, this man; saved him from Skinny Malone, from wrestling with the original Nick Valentine’s past for the rest of his days, had so happily helped him find all those holotapes, stood aside and let him kill Eddie Winter on his own and then stood by him where Jennifer Lands had died and let Nick say his piece. Brought him on this whirlwind of an adventure that culminated in exterminating the boogeyman that had had the Commonwealth running scared for so long - and through it all, went ahead and made Nick fall for him.

How many of Nick’s clients could say they’d done that?

Just the one - this one right here, in Nick’s arms (though he hasn’t been just a client for a long while now).

So if anything happens to Nate while they’re carrying out this plan of DiMA’s, Nick will be taking his grievances straight back to ‘bro’.

Nate pulls back from their hug, and Nick rests his metal hand on Nate’s cheek, thumb brushing tenderly over the sideburn lining his jaw, before Nate takes a step back, removing himself from Nick entirely. He pulls his road goggles back down over his eyes, then ushers Nick over with a quick curl of his fingers.

“Here,” he says, “gimme your hand.”

“Hm?”

Nick watches as Nate stoops to pick up a boot, and only then does Nick realise their hug had interrupted Nate completing his new look: his right foot’s found its way into the new boot the Children have provided, while the left is naked, since Nate doesn’t bother putting a sock on his prosthetic.

“Oh,” Nick says, understanding, and offers a hand for Nate to hold so he can balance himself as he goes to one foot, shimmying the boot over his fake foot.

Once he’s finally managed to get it on, he’s all set. Nate steps back and holds out his hands to put himself on display.

“So,” he says, “how do I look?”

Nick looks him up and down, taking in the sight of Nate in the baggy, dark robes, and he replies exasperatedly, “Like a fanatic.”

“Hm - that’s great,” Nate replies, ducking to collect the coat, tie and shoes of his discarded outfit (he’s wearing the robes over his shirt and trousers, evidently), “then I’ll fit right in.”

Nick can’t help the small scoff of a chuckle that leaves him as Nate stuffs his clothes into his bag. Before he can pick the bag up, Nick ducks down and retrieves a bottle of Rad-X from one of its front pockets, waving it at him.

“I’ll slip ya these when you start lookin’ pale,” Nick says. He pops open the bottle, shakes out a pill onto his palm, then holds it out. “Best to take one now, before we head in there.”

Nate hesitates, then stands up to look at Nick properly.

“Are you sure you wanna come in there with me?” he asks. “DiMA said these people accept synths, but…the looks they were giving you when we showed up…”

“Tryin’ to get rid of me, huh?” Nick asks teasingly. “Didn’t think I was being that much of a wet blanket. But you can forget it - you’re not going in there without me, no matter how these people feel. Remember: DiMA said there was some Pre-War security keepin’ the Children of Atom from getting their paws on those memories of his. Could be anything in there, and I’d feel a whole lot better about all this if I was there to watch your back.”

“Are you sure?” Nate winces and adds hesitantly, “I mean…you do look a lot like DiMA. If anyone in there has a problem with him…they could have a problem with you too.”

Nick shrugs. “Half the Commonwealth has a problem with me. Hasn’t stopped me yet.”

Nate gives him a small smile. “Alright. It’s your call. But you may have to hold me back if anybody in there says anything about you.”

“Hey, now,” Nick cracks a smile (he doesn’t approve of Nate’s wish to pummel anybody who gives him lip, but it is sweet), “DiMA wants us doin’ this without violence, remember?”

“Sure, but,” Nate stoops to collect a can of purified water from his bag, “I feel like DiMA would understand if I told him I punched a guy in your honour.”

Nate stands up and plucks the pill from Nick’s palm, sits it on his tongue, then gulps down some water. He gives a hard swallow as the pill goes down, then nods once and drinks the rest of the water from the can. He drops the can to the ground, squashes it with his prosthetic foot, then returns the metal to his bag, most likely to convert it into raw materials for building projects later; funny, what one can make with junk.

Nate picks up his bag and rolls his shoulders, clapping his hands once in preparation.

“Alright,” Nate says, “let’s do this.”

He passes by Nick to walk around the fence, and Nick sighs wearily as he watches him go.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “Let’s.”

He follows Nate, gaining the attention of the guard by the door, who watches them closely as they approach. For a moment, Nick thinks he might be suspicious, but then the man just tells Nate that the High Confessor is in the middle of his sermon still, and that Nate should listen in.

Nate gives an obedient nod and raises a triumphant, excited fist as he slaps on a grin and exclaims, “Glory to Atom!”

As Nate disappears into the Nucleus, Nick casts the guard a deadpanned look and half-heartedly raises his own fist.

“What he said,” Nick adds dryly, and follows Nate inside.

[imagionationstation]

I need advice. How do I make an au? Is there any rules ?

I’m not sure… If I have the authority to give AUs rules?

AUs are an Author’s Universe. The only rules in the Author’s Universe is up to the author, as far as I know. You can make it as impossible or complicated or realistic as you want.

I think… I think if there was a rule, it would be to involve reminders that this is attached to some movie/book/show/etc. A Ninja Turtles AU needs to involve at least one brother. Or April. Or Casey. Splinter- Bishop- Mutanimals, even Chloe.

This AU is a turtles AU, so you gotta include elements/characters from the shows/show that you’re basing it off of.

As for how to make one?

An AU is usually an notable difference from the show in one or a couple key factors. Taking the brothers and giving them a female parent would make that world an AU. Taking the brothers and changing them into another creature/a human would make it an AU. Changing the ages makes it an AU. Changing any key aspect of a show would essentially make your story an AU.

Most people make AUs left and right without realizing it.

Those who intend to make an AU often create an entirely new dimension by choice. They give them a new setting, new personalities (or similar personalities based off different past core memories), and give them new villains or friends.

Some AU’s are extreme- like my Mutant World AU, which is a world that is full of mutants. The turtles past is completely turned upside down- with the brothers Raph and Mikey being abused and then adopted by Splinter, and Leo and Donnie only being chosen brothers, bonding after being used as experiments for as long as they can remember. There’s no Foot involvement at all, and the Kraang are the ominous, dangerous lurking element

And some AUs are more subtle- Like taking scene from the show and adding a Y/N or self-portrayal character into the plot. The show elements remain the same, but now they have a sister or a best friend or a crush tagging along. The plot is relatively the same, but now they happen to exist.

How you do an AU really depends on why you’re making it.

If it’s just for fun: There is no right way to make an AU! Come up with characters, let your mind wander and picture them, draw them- write clips about them- just ramble about them! Plan backstory if you want, or flush out their future! They are your characters now- give them fluff! Hurt and heal them! Let the live their lives as you see fit! (Just try and make sure you keep you facts straight. AUs can get confusing at times… Trust me.)

If it’s for a story: DO NOT START WRITING FIRST THING! Not for a story plot. It makes things hard. Flush out the characters first.

What’s their backstory? Why do they act the way they do? What are their greatest skills? What makes them likable? What are their flaws? What makes them unlikable? Is this an action AU? Who’s the villain? Romance AU? Who do they like? How does the relationship build? What insecurities might your character/s learn to battle? Do they have close friends? Will they make close friends? What is their friend’s backstory? What makes them as close as they are?

There are probably a million more that could be asked, but the important thing is that you need to know your characters. You’re the only one who knows what questions are relevant to the characters and their development. Think on it.

Using what you know about the character, it could help design the world around them. Maybe they are bullied often and that’s why they’re so self conscious- where are they bullied? School? Work? What do they do? Are they bullied for clothes? Their voice? Their appearance? Why? What do they look like? Do they have scars on their body from physical abuse? A special place to hide when things get bad? Where is that? Bedroom? A friend’s house? What do those look like?

Once you build you characters and some of their world (only some, because new objects and flaws and buildings will absolutely come up as you’re coming up with new ideas), then you can build a plot.

What is your story about? Finding themselves? Action? Trauma? Romance? Horror? Or a series of OneShots about their daily lives filled with fluff and good feels?

Anything goes! As long as you love your plots, there are readers out there that will love your plot as well!

Hope this helps!

[shivunin]

happy Sunday! 💖

Philautia 3 & Ludus 3 for Maria / Philia 5 for Arianwen / Eros 5 for Emmaera

Happy Sunday to you as well! 💗

(Some discussion of sex below the break and in the tags)

(7 Forms of Love Asks)

Philautia 3: Does your OC judge themselves by the same standards as they apply to others? Or are they sometimes hypocritical in condemning others for faults they also possess? Or perhaps they find it easier to forgive others for things that they cannot abide in themselves?

Maria is harder on herself than she is on anyone else. I think her standards for others vary based on the other person's situation---she has a very low opinion of the rich, for example, because they do so little to give back---but in general, she holds herself to a high standard. When she fails, she internalizes it and struggles to let it go. That isn't something she would show outwardly, though; she laughs a lot off and dwells on it in private. Only the people who know her best have any idea how personally she takes failure.

Ludus 3: How does your OC feel about one night stands? Have they ever enjoyed a night of passionate romance with a stranger? Is this something they are quite keen on recreationally? Or only something they might engage in under specific circumstances (such as the eve of a battle or after a difficult breakup)?

Ooof. Yeah.

Definitely not something she ever thought about before Fenris. Maria found people attractive before him, and flirted and dated (a little), but Fenris was the first person she actually wanted to have sex with. If she'd thought for a second that it would be a one-night thing, she would have told him to go home. After that night, she really, really struggled to find a balance between wanting him to stay around (and remain her friend) and trying to put her feelings for him aside.

(I think from his perspective...the only thing she could think to do was not touch or look at or be near him at all. Given how affectionate she is to all of her friends otherwise, the contrast was as stark as it was painful...but this question isn't about Fenris)

The most logical solution she could come up for to solve this problem was dilution. Maybe she couldn't forget that night because it was the first time. Therefore, she would just drown out the memories with a lot of other experiences and then, obviously, all of those confusing feelings would go away and she could have her friend back and everything would be just like it used to be.

So Maria spent a few weeks of focused experimentation at the Rose trying every sex act that sounded even remotely interesting. It was nice enough, interesting from an experiential perspective, but the sex never felt like what she'd had with Fenris. There was no emotional connection, and without that the whole experience remained somewhat academic.

She was working up to one-night stands when Leandra died, and after that it all seemed a bit pointless. Fenris was so present for her, especially after the fight with the Arishok, that she finally conceded that she was just going to have to live with being in unrequited love with him forever. At that point, I don't think she ever seriously considered casual sex again--though she did have suitors in the gap between acts 2 and 3.

Philia 5: What is their most fervent wish for their best friend(s)? How far would they go to make it happen?

Safety and happiness. Wen would even refrain from killing to make this happen c:

Joking aside, Alistair is her dearest friend. By the end of the Blight, he's family to her. I think her deepest wish for him is that he eventually can have a life that he chooses for herself. She is well aware that she's the reason this couldn't happen, but she didn't see any other choice at the time. She would gladly and easily assassinate the nobility to make his life earlier, but more importantly she would let them live for his peace of mind. She remains his closest confidante even at a distance even though it's really hard for her to act in that capacity. When he calls her to Denerim to act as an advisor for important meetings, she neither complains nor climbs out a window.

(Morrigan, who is her next closest friend...Wen is willing to let Morrigan go if it really makes her happy. At the end of Witch Hunt, it breaks her heart a little bit to say goodbye for good. I like to think they connected again later, after Morrigan came back to the material world with Kieran.)

Eros 5: How closely is their opinion of their own beauty (or lack thereof) linked to their confidence? Do they see themselves as more or less worthy of love or sex based on how attractive they feel?

I don't think Emma is especially preoccupied with her appearance in general. If she were to think about it, she would suppose she looks pretty enough, but then she'd move on to something more interesting. Her confidence is linked very strongly to her mind; her body is a secondary consideration most of the time. She does try to present a particular image, especially given her role as the Inquisitor, but I don't think her idea of self-worth is tied to her physical appearance at all.

But then, she is my absentminded professor OC and forgets she even has a body half the time when she's comfortable. The hardest times in her life are times where she is forced to feel herself intensely for long periods of time: after she is stabbed, when she loses her arm, the rough period in Kirkwall when she's going into Darktown several times a week and having to heal constantly.