#and. well. you know me. i love dissecting how characters once were in the past. the AIs reflect that as well & create conflict of

[datastate]

i really don't think people understand how entertaining it is writing characters you completely disagree with. or being invested in a story you understand but think is fallible on a philosophical level. it's genuinely fun to dig into these different perspectives and the reasoning of why...

[meanbossart]

Hi RJ! I hope you are having a great time with your partner! Sorry if this has been asked before, but I was curious what DU Drow’s thoughts are to Astarion marking him like he did to himself. I know you’ve mentioned that Drow did a lot of the scarification as a teen to cope with things, and in your Bhaalist AU Drow has Astarion do some of the face marks. But I saw the art with Astarion’s bite marks on Drow’s ass and I doubt Drow was unhappy about that lol. Does he like having permanent marks from his partner? Do they ever bring any sort of blood/knifeplay into their relationship? I’d be super interested to hear Drow’s thoughts about it! And alternatively what you think Astarion would feel about it.

Your art is absolutely gorgeous and you are easily one of my favorite artists of all time. Your mastery of body shape, facial expressions, telling a story through character design, everything makes me swoon at your art. I’m so invested in your freaky man, RJ, I love him and as someone with a master’s degree in clinical psychology I want to dissect his brain and study him under a microscope

Thank you so much for your kind words!!! Happy to have a specialist in the field here watching this trainwreck LOL

And that's a very interesting question! Besides for his forearm scars (which were a weird show of dominance in his bhaalspawn days) DU drow's facial and chest scarification were actually done by Orin, and as you can guess he is very into the idea of being permanently marked by his partner - definitely the kind of guy to get your name tattooed on him six months into the relationship.

He does have an inkling of good sense and propriety, though. It's kind of a pillar of the character that he knows how to operate in society in favor of coming across as pleasant and only an acceptable level of eccentric, which is to say that he has the vaguest idea that requesting that Astarion mutilate him for his own pleasure might not bode well. This, as it is the case for everything else, is my own take on the character, but Astarion does not strike my as someone who would want to permanently harm their partner once he's made a genuine emotional bond with them. DU drow realizes this, plus there's the whole treating-him-with-kid's-gloves complex which leads him to believe this would be a sensitive topic, given Astarion's own background.

But DU drow often fantasizes about the scenario, specially during sex or moments where he is emotionally overwhelmed with his love for him. It takes him some time to make the connection between his own scars and what they mean about past relationships, but perhaps at some point an opportunity would arise where he makes such request - and he would do it because it's important, and because he has to for once in his life trust Astarion to either A) participate enthusiastically or B) Allow him to choose to take on the discomfort of his own free-will, and see it as a sign of love and compromise rather than the helplessness he imposes upon him.

And I think that depending on how it was presented, Astarion would do it. He wouldn't do it on a whim, or just to get DU drow's rocks off, but he would do it if he saw that it was something that he really needed, and for good reason. He wouldn't like the process, but he would appreciate having that trust put on him and to have the chance to care for his partner, to have him ask him for help, as weird as the request might be.

[byemambo]

The Beauty of Subtlety and Change: A Deep Dive [We Are EP. 12]

As more episodes come out every week, I fall more and more in love with this series. I know when the trailer came out, there were some people that we off put by "another university/engineering student" series, or weren't as enthusiastic about the comedy being present in the series, I think that's fair since everyone has their own preferences and qualms with how past series have approached this genre, but I truly believe once people give it a chance and start to watch the further episodes, I start realizing how intentional and well crafted the character development has been with each introduction of a new story arc or group dynamic. Eventually I want to dissect more parts of the series that I resonated with, but the first definitely has to be Tan and Fang's development as the series progresses.

One thing I appreciate about the handling of these two characters, which I continue to give my flowers to Aou and Boom. This is my first time watching them in a series (I was only familiar with Pond and Phuwin from Never Let Me Go, as well as Tee when he played a supporting role in Only Friends), and I instantly fell in love with their on screen characters, but eventually the actors themselves as the series progressed. Both actors do an amazing job portraying the personalities of their characters and their distinct differences between their past and present selves, where the performance is well thought out without being too over the top which is what the sound effects are for hahaha.

In episode 12, the conversation between Tan and Fang caught my attention the most, especially when I rewatched episodes in my free time while waiting for new episodes to drop. When Tan shares his story with the gang about how Fang and him met during episode 9, you wouldn't have even thought both of them would be as hot headed as they were in high school versus how we were introduced to them as university students in the first few episodes.

These exchanges with Fang reflected Tan's past self well: a smart ass, condescending, provoking. I think the juxtaposition between past Tan and present Tan really shows itself when we see how Tan speaks about Fang in private now that they're an established couple: compassionate, attentive, loving. Aou does an amazing job with his microexpressions, saying a lot without saying anything at all.

Episode 9 vs. Episode 12

What was even more of a shock to me was the introduction of Fang's past self, completely opposite of how we were introduced to him in the first few episodes. High school Fang was also just as condescending and hot headed, which was later revealed by Tan that he only punched Fang back to save face on the field with other people around. But can we please address how much of a menace Fang is from that expression alone?

Episode 9

To think that present Fang, someone observant, reliable, and introverted, used to be someone blunt, confrontational and spiteful only reinforced my belief in the evolution of individuals: that a person of their past is in fact, the same person in the present, that not everyone should be tied down to the person they used to be and to make room for the person they're aiming to become. I noticed the shift in their perception of one another when we watch the second half of the flashback after Tan helps Phum and Fang escape an ambush.

Episode 9

This becomes one of my favorite Tan moments so far (as of episode 12): the defining moment of his innate character as selfless, courageous, and heroic. That despite how Tan felt about Fang after their first encounter and the many other arguments and fights to come, that never crossed Tan's mind when he first witnessed the confrontation: that his natural instinct was to help. He further reinforces this value when Phum asked him why he helped them, Tan answering: "I don't believe in dirty tricks."

Episode 9

After Tan's true character redefines itself in Fang's eyes as this asshole that instigated an argument with him for no reason actually has a heart of gold? We also see this shift in perception between Tan as he witnessed Fang's brotherly nature helping Phum with his injuries, later creating a core memory between the three as both of them let their guards down and mutually accept: "You know, this is all turning out way different than what I expected and...I'm not mad at it." In my humble opinion not that I find helping people/aiding people to be an extremely attractive trait in someone, this planting of the seed that leads up to their own way of flirting and eventually becoming a couple makes sense and as Q says: "You're totally rivals-to-lovers". The ability to protect and help others is a strong trait to have, and this makes sense once Fang begins to open up to Tan about his home life.

When Fang seeks out Tan during episode 12 after seeing his brother and father argue, the best way I could put Fang's complicated feelings into words: survivor's guilt. Fang reaffirms this idea through sharing:

"The moment he returned from abroad, I could still remember the look in his eyes clearly. It has remained my trauma until today."

As someone who identifies with Phum and his upbringing in being the lesser favored child by our parents, having a sibling grow up alongside you being raised by the same-but-different parents is a difficult pill to swallow on both ends, especially as we get older and begin to realize how intense and traumatic that experience can be when we reflect back on childhood, often times manifesting into resentment as we see with Phum and his parents currently in the story. On how real those discrepancies become when intervention and self reflection occurs, on quite frankly, how shitty it is to finally see the ugly truth after disregarding reality or protecting (intentionally or not) those who are the root causes of the pain and suffering.

I resonate with Phum and his journey in learning how to express himself in effective ways that can be heard through the ears of others, even though our childhood made us believe that we're not worthy of bare minimum love and attention, that we're bound to be misunderstood. A lot of Phum's tendencies at the beginning make sense for someone dealing with childhood trauma and abandonment issues cause same here, resulting in isolation, disconnection, and eventually waking up surviving every day instead of living every day. Something I personally battle with in my daily life that I'm sure Phum can relate to: "If my own parents can't support and love me unconditionally, who can and who will? Will I even experience that one day? And if I do, how long will it take until it's taken away from me?" Fang also brings up this same insecurity when opening up to Tan:

"Though I act unreasonable and don't behave well sometimes, if one day you feel you no longer want to be with me, just tell me straight. Because if you disappear, I would be in so much pain."

I'm sure once Fang really understood the effects of Phum's treatment by his parents, his need and "role" to protect and care for Phum intensifies, the conflict between pleasing his parents while also pleasing and helping his brother becomes burdensome to the point where he disregards his own feelings in order to "keep the peace." Although these methods seem rational and effective in the moment, it's only a matter of time before the methods become obsolete and unsustainable, and the foundation built on sticks and desperation to remedy the pain and chaos collapses. Then what finally remains is someone who's scared of the unknown, scared of reentering the same detrimental period of preparing for peace time and war time, someone who regulated themselves through adapting hypervigilance and eventually, general anxiety (as someone diagnosed with anxiety, Fang's moments of overwhelm and "dramatic" all or nothing statements are clear as day to overthinkers), someone who realizes that he can't save everyone, and that's a horrifying feeling to accept once you subject yourself to being the peacemaker.

Episode 12

Being able to see how Tan eases Fang's anxiety (which is well depicted in Boom's acting cause I know that feeling of wanting to be brave and express the truth and trying not to cry through it) was incredibly sweet and became one of my favorite moments the two share. That outside of Tan's go lucky, hyper, and expressive self (who used to be this closed off person that only began really changing once his friends gave him an ultimatum to quit fighting or their friendship ends and poor Peem having to find out the truth of Tan's injuries that wasn't from a bike accident LOL) is an emotionally intelligent, understanding, and aware individual that only wants what's best for his loved ones in the moment. Rather than only hearing Tan's reassurances, which is a result of losing faith in other people and dealing with their lack of credibility in their words versus their actions, we see this during Phum's argument with his father when he double downed:

"I'm paying attention to you now. Everything I've done is for you."

When you hear everything in the book and fail to not only see real action, but accountability and seeking of forgiveness through apologizing is like pulling teeth with some generation of parents, so I truly believe the reaction Phum exhibited was expected. When there's no true understanding of the effects a parent's decision had on a child, there's no foundation put in place to accept and move forward. Skipping steps such as reflection, apologizing, and accountability and getting straight to what you think your child wants is not only disregarding: it's insulting. Given that Phum experienced many iterations of this throughout his childhood, I can only imagine Fang experiencing this secondhand or through witnessing his younger brother dealing with these hardships. When words stop having meaning, the weight of people's words can only hold so much value for individuals that deal with anxious tendencies. In my words: "I need to see it to believe it."

Not only does Tan verbally reassure Fang and telling him not to overthink, he also extends this same sentiment through physical touch. Hand holding, grabbing him by the shoulders, poking his nose, hugging, any moment to be playful with Fang. Growing up with an absent parent usually means an overall lack of physical affection, which can feel unfamiliar or foreign and become even more meaningful to those to express their love and adoration through physical touch, which you can see throughout the scene as Tan's reassurance is calming Fang down and finally bringing him to smile for the first time during their conversation.

For all the people who believed that Fang wasn't showing affection enough for Tan and that he didn't like Tan as much as Tan liked him: I will defend Fang like no other because I identify with him. I'm not one to have a track record on expressing my love for others through physical touch (which doesn't mean I despise it, I just simply forget that's another form of affection I'm allowed to express), which doesn't discount Fang's expression of love and writing him off as unaffectionate simply because Tan has established his primary love language to be physical touch. We see Fang's affection and reciprocation of affection most through quality time and acts of service, such as him allowing Tan to help him with his architecture projects or keeping him company, or Fang trying to reach Tan through phone to see him after a rough time with his professor and ready to beat up whoever upset his babe, or Tan waiting for Fang to finish class for them to go eat dinner together. Fang has also exhibited his love and affection through buying Tan little treats or making him his only mastered recipe spaghetti which Tan will never complain about because it's the thought that counts.

It may not seem as overt and obvious as Tan's expression of love, but we can't deny Fang's love for him that's simply a quieter version of love. Just because it's different, it doesn't make one invalid versus the other, look at his smile from him being around his silly little boyfriend. But as time goes on as these two strengthen their bond as a couple, we can already see how Tan's habits and antics rub off on Fang through playful exchanges. Although Fang is more shy about expressing his feelings, it becomes a beautiful balance of your ideal golden retriever-black cat relationship and a wonderful representation of how successful couples become with candid communication, understanding, and reassurance.

Ok I think I got everything out on the hill I'll die on now, so if you've made it this far, I hope I entertained you enough and left you with from food for thought, but I also appreciate your engagement if you have any thoughts! All is much appreciated <3 As you can see, I'm very normal about this series hehehe

[waitmyturtles]

Last Twilight: Episode 6 reflections

Welp! Once again! Aof Noppharnach! Thanks, buddy! Fist bump. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE AFTER THAT.

I'm gonna live, because we get ANOTHER flirty episode 7 next week, woop woop. But let me review what we've all been screaming about today.

Anti-August rhetoric is abounding, yes. I would argue that the narrative themes that the character of August presented during this episode were set up in episodes well before this disaster that August created happened.

This episode demonstrated Aof's mastery of dissecting interpersonal engagement and relationships, as well as offering an examination of chosen vs. unchosen familial bonds. The examination in particular of the nature of nuclear (unchosen) family bonds -- especially in the face of the impact of a traumatic event like Day's sudden blindness -- is subtle and exquisite so far. I'll get more into this in a moment.

The show's been laying all of this down for us since the start, paralleling the impact of the unchosen bonds Day has with the world he has left around him, with the chosen bonds he's made with Mhok, and vice versa. That is all happening alongside Mhok's continued internal emotional journey of change and stablization, which again, I'll touch on in a moment.

In episode 5, we heard Day describe his sports partnership with August as akin to an "arranged marriage."

Day showed us in the last episode that he did the majority of the lifting of the partnership he had with August. Day HAD to be the emotional stabilizer of the partnership in order to win championships. Akin to the Asian practice of arranged marriages -- it certainly takes two to tango. But if the CULTURAL expectation--

(THE HUGE AND ENORMOUS AND ASSUMED CULTURAL EXPECTATION IN ASIA, mind you, which we are reading between the lines here) --

of the OUTCOME of an arranged marriage is to 1) have children, and 2) not get divorced -- well, if someone isn't pulling their weight, the partner has to clock some overtime shifts.

Day did overtime, and boop, fell in love with his badminton partner. I don't blame him. All that work to get to know August's ins and outs? And the way August looks, mmhmm? Yeah, I get it. August may have been a butt, but Day doing that all that work to accidentally find himself on the attraction path wouldn't be surprising to me.

We get to episode 6. We see that Day is being failed by his unchosen family. We still don't know what the deal is with Night, despite Mhok's inquiries. (I apologize to @respectthepetty for not finding their theory post that Night was behind the wheel of the car accident that first affected Day's eyes -- shout-out, Senpai.) We see Day's mom sort of failing him prior to his birthday. We see that Day was sort of expecting his mom to fail him anyway.

I wanted to capture Day's mom's emotional reaction here because... we know past stuff is percolating. Day's mom's career comes first and has come first. The wins come first, as they should have been for Day when he could still see and could still play badminton.

Day was prepared to be disappointed. That hug at the end of this scene with his mother was a sigh of relief for Day that his mom came through, but we don't know the extent to which his mother hasn't come through in the past, except by way of having kept Day inside for a year after the onset of his blindness.

And then Day was failed, again, by unchosen family.

August says, "I'm willing to do whatever makes him happy," but, just like nuclear/unchosen family -- you have to KNOW the people around you to KNOW what ACTUALLY makes them happy. Nuclear/unchosen family can't just clock in and clock out of family work. It takes more zhuzh than that.

For example: changing diapers might be a role a parent performs. It'll make a baby happy to feel clean and dry. But are the babies happy to actually wear a diaper? No. They don't know from diapers. The babies will be happy with loving, caring, and attentive parents showing them attention. From there, emotional growth will flourish.

Love, here, is not exactly about roles and tasks, as August is defining happiness above. Love is about something different -- it's about paying attention, at all times, to the people you love, and responding accordingly.

Unchosen family can very well fail you, because at the end of the day, they're still "family" by blood and sometimes bond. That's why it's important for so many of us to have CHOSEN family that shows up for us.

REMEMBER: BETWEEN DAY AND MHOK? DAY CHOSE MHOK. THAT'S A CHOSEN RELATIONSHIP FOR DAY, FINALLY, FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE.

And Mhok comes into Day's house, starts to take care of Day like a partner, starts to get to know Day's ins and outs, and boop -- Mhok has found himself falling for Day. Quite the different paradigm from August, who did and does shit.

And in episode 6? Here comes Mhok, barreling in from the start of the episode, re-shifting the paradigms in Day's life that were created by the unchosen people that preceded Day in close proximity. I love how the VERY first scene of this episode started with Mhok announcing himself to Day in Day's room -- very unlike the way that August had silently slunk away from the bar in the previous episode.

And all the ways that Mhok is right behind Day as August engages through the episode, checking in, vibing. And respect to Mhok for taking some time away from the birthday party at the end, too. Did it break my heart to hear Day calling for Mhok before August's final arrival? For sure. But Mhok needed some space to process --

-- and then he came back, watched what was happening, and you know what struck me? We again saw a moment where Mhok has changed, as I mentioned last week.

Mhok could have pummeled August! Imagine if that shit went down at the start of the series. Lil' August wouldn't have any damn teeth left. Remember that Mhok pummeled that m'fer that Porjai was with, TWICE.

Mhok didn't kick August's ass this time around. Mhok held himself, he asked August questions. Day also knew what Mhok was capable of, but Mhok held himself. FUCK. Exquisite!

And then.... we got the rooftop, we got the rooftop.

This is a great series. THESE ARE GREAT EPISODES.

Couple other quick notes:

1) JIMMY AND SEA! JIMMY! THOSE LOOKS ON THE ROOFTOP! YOOOOOOOO.

2) I just want to acknowledge all the sensualness of this episode by way of scent and touch, and trust the family on posting about it.

That being said:

I've been known to be intrigued by scented things emanating from Aof's shows in the past. He had posted on IG a few weeks ago about a perfume company he likes, I went to check it out, and bloop, I got myself a sampler for the holidays.

I clocked the cologne that Day gifted Mhok.

As far as I can tell, this specific bottle called Tiwa doesn't exist -- although I love that the fake brand is "UNTOLD STORIES," written at the top. Tee-hee.

Coincidentally, a scent called "Tiwa" was created by a company called Parfum Prissana, out of Thailand (they look great, I want to smell them one day).

A website reviewing Prissana's Tiwa notes the description of the scent that came from Prissana itself:

Atmosphere of the day time in a countryside of Thailand. The smell of local cooking herbs and spices and there is fruits orchards and precious woods near by. Tiwa means day time in Thai.

Well, well, well.

[creative-type]

First, I've been loving all of your analyses on One Piece, FMA, and other series. It teaches me a lot about writing and makes me appreciate these authors' skills in ways I hadn't before despite regarding them so highly.

I mainly wanted to ask, how did you get so good at doing analysis?

I want to write stories myself when I'm a lot older and wiser, but I have trouble picking up on the existence of tropes and subtle implementation of various things like foreshadowing, themes, and character development. It also makes me feel really nervous to start writing as a result since I have no idea where to start. I feel like knowing how to analyze as well as you do would help greatly with all that and help me get started on making a story. I really hope this isn't too much. Thank you.

First things first, I would advise you to not wait to start writing. Everyone sucks when they start out at a new skill, and all the preparation in the world won’t do as much good as actually doing the thing. There are way to many people out there who psych them out of trying new things and hobbies because they think they aren’t ready, so they study and read books and watch videos, and at the end of the day never start. Don’t be one of those people. To be good at something, you must first suck at that thing. Embrace the suck, for by doing you will learn how to suck less.

That being said, I have always had more of an analytical mind and was lucky enough that my mom was a teacher who during summer vacations paid me and my siblings a penny a page to read and offered a dollar a page for book reports, and would discuss with us what we were reading. Analysis is a skill that can be developed, and the questions I always start with are “What is the author trying to say?” and “Were they successful in saying it?”. There are others who come at it from different angles and there are many theories of media analysis, but that has always been the most interesting to me. It forces me to pay attention not to what the characters are literally saying on the page, and peel back the layers of process till I reach what I believe to be the authorial intent.

In high school and into my college years I was pretty obsessed with the tumblr @reasoningwithvampires, which ruthlessly dissected the Twilight series on a sentence by sentence scale, both in its offenses against the English language and how it fails to be an effective love story. It was a big inspiration for what I do with my One Piece blog, and I attribute it to significantly improvising my college exit score in English despite never taking an English or literature class while in college. I also listen to a lot of YouTube analysis videos for film, video games, and books. You have to be discerning though, and stay way from reactionary, bad faith analysis. But even bad analysis can teach about good analysis, and if you find yourself reading or watching something you think is fundamentally wrong, build up an argument in your head as to why. In that way you open up a dialogue (even if it’s only in your own mind) not just between yourself and the author, but the greater community as a whole.

Good analysis takes time and thought. Most things I write for I have read more than once. Read initially for pure enjoyment, but if you like something enough to revisit it, take your time to read slowly and critically, and again always ask questions. Why did this plot twist work? Where did the author insert foreshadowing? What themes were introduced in the first act the get paid off in the third? As you become more practiced you’ll pick up on these things even on an initial read through. If you’re interested in a specific genre, try to learn the history and development of that genre. Read the classics and figure out why they’re classics, and see how they’ve influenced whatever came after. In that way you’ll learn more about what you love, because stories are always in dialogue with the past while setting the standard for the future.

But mostly don’t be afraid to suck, because you will suck. My first stories and analysis were bad, shallow, and poorly written. But over time you will find your own voice and develop a style all your own. It’s okay to start small, but don’t ever, ever stop yourself from starting.

[juliettedunn]

The Surprise Party (Part 2)

Part 1 can be found here

Part 3 can be found here

Part 4 can be found here

Part 5 can be found here

This part ended up both longer and darker than I thought. I’m a little nervous about it because Luz and Vee’s dynamic in this is largely made up by me; their relationship isn’t shown in Thanks to Them, so I had to base this almost entirely on Yesterday’s Lie, and how I think the issues brought up then might have built up over time. Especially since as much as I love Vee, some of what she said to Luz did bother me quite a bit and I wanted to address it. I hope you like this and feel that it works for the characters.

TW for ableism, including the r-slur.

***

Luz shifted from foot to foot, already antsy. The group had taken the bus to the mall, and at the sight of it her heart rate increased. As a kid she had loved coming here and would always beg to get a new plushie at Build-A-Bear, but once she hit her teenage years and the mall became a hangout spot for her peers, it became a place of judgment and misery. 

Vee, though, was in her element. Gus was hanging on her every word as she explained all the fun times she had had with her friends at the mall. All the things Luz had thought she would get to do once she became a “cool teen.”

“Okay,” said Willow. “We’re all going to meet up at the…food jury, was it?”

“Food court,” Vee answered.

“And be careful,” said Luz. “Try not to talk to any teenagers you don’t know. Human teenagers are…intense.”

“Luz, they’ll be fine,” said Vee with a slight eye roll. “It’s not like human teenagers will kill you. You’re one of them!”

“Yeah…I guess.” One of them. Luz had never heard anything that felt more wrong. Sure, Luz guessed they were technically the same species as her, but it had never really felt that way. And she didn’t want to see her friends getting hurt like she had.

Amity laid her hand on Luz’s shoulder. “Luz, I was one of those teenagers you’re worried about. I think I can handle myself.”

Luz chuckled. “True, at least none of my classmates tried to get me dissected.”

Amity flushed bright red. “I told you, I never thought you would actually get dissected, it was so you’d have to admit you weren’t an abomination! Ugh, I’m sorry, I was such a jerk back then -”

“Hey, hey,” Luz took Amity’s hand in her own and gave it a reassuring pat. “I was just teasing. I know you’re not like that anymore.” She gave her girlfriend a kiss on the cheek. They had been doing this more and more over the past few weeks, and there was no longer that intense, nervous blushing that used to accompany it. In a way, though, Luz preferred it like this. It was nice to be able to be comfortable around Amity, to know she could give her a kiss any time she wanted, just a permanent fixture of life, as natural as waving goodbye to her friends before school. 

Well, it wouldn’t always be permanent…One day, Amity would be disgusted she had ever thought of kissing Luz. That, or Luz would disappear, and Amity would be sad for a bit but eventually move on. Luz had been thinking more and more about this inevitable end, but she tried to shake the thoughts off for the time being. She could enjoy the time she had with her girlfriend, right?

“See you soon, batata.” 

Amity and Willow set off together, and Luz put on a false smile as she turned to face Vee and Gus. “Alright guys, what are we thinking?”

“Actually, I’m already making my gift at home,” said Gus. “I’m just here for the ride.”

“Oh, what are you making?”

Gus pulled out the beaded dinosaur toy from his pocket. Its limbs were jointed and floppy, and Gus happily fiddled with them. “Camila noticed how much I like fidgeting with stuff like bubble wrap, so she showed me how to make these cool bead toys. She said she’s been researching some things and she learned it’s called ‘stimming.’ And I caught Hunter stimming with it too, so I’m going to make him one! But his is going to be of Orfos!”

“Uh…who?”

“Orfos! It’s Captain Avery’s pet husky in Cosmic Frontier. Hunter loves him.”

Luz clapped her hands to her face at how cute that information was. Hunter was such an animal lover; he was always asking to go with Camila to the vet to see the animals there. Luz had seen it in him from the start (he had almost instantly adored Flapjack, no matter how much he pretended he didn’t), but now that he was finally allowed to display it openly he had gone all out.

“Awww okay!”

“So, what are you thinking of getting Hunter?” Vee interjected. 

“I don’t know yet.”

“We could try Hot Topic? It has some cool T-shirts and things. My friends and I would always go there.”

“Oh. I guess I don’t really know the hip places so I’ll trust you.”

Vee laughed. “No one uses the word ‘hip’ anymore!”

“Okay, sorry.” It came out colder than she had intended it, and Luz saw a flash of hurt in Vee’s eyes. 

Luz wanted to kick herself. Why was she so irritated? Vee was being nothing but nice to her; she didn’t like how she was acting. She had no right to feel this way.

“So, you want to go there?”

“Actually, I was thinking of getting him some sewing supplies. Mamá was going to get him a sewing machine; I’ll get him some fabric. I used to go here all the time for my taxidermy projects. The craft store is-”

“Second floor,” said Vee, bounding ahead of the other two. “My friends and I passed it all the time when we went to the theater.”

“Oh. Okay!” Luz struggled to keep up with Vee, accidentally bumping into random people while Vee maneuvered expertly through the crowds. 

Luz was panting by the time she reached the supply store, but Vee and Gus were already there. “Hey guys! Whew, you’re fast!”

“Sorry Luz, this was basically my second home so I know it really well. I didn’t mean to leave you behind.”

“No, that's totally fine! I know this store so now it’ll all be cool.” Luz made to go to the fabric aisle, but instead was confronted with a row of wood crafting kits.

“Oh…uh…that’s weird. I guess they changed it up.” She bounced on her feet, trying to peer discreetly at the different aisles. “Uh…where did they move everything to?”

“Maybe we should ask someone?” said Gus.

“No, it’s fine! I can find it.” A little reorganizing wasn’t a big deal. She didn’t need to ask for help in a store she had been to countless times before. That would prove even more that she wasn’t competent here.

She wrung her hands together, taking a few steps down one aisle but quickly realizing that wasn’t correct. How could this be hard? This wasn’t that big a store. “Uh…let’s try this way.”

The others followed her lead, and she tried not to seem nervous. Was she actually sweating? Why was this so hard for her?

Nothing was looking familiar. 

“You sure you don’t want to ask for help?” said Vee.

“Of course not! I’m sure it’s right over here…”

She walked past two more aisles, but Vee held out her hand. “Hey, you passed it!”

“What?”

“We just walked by the fabric aisle, it’s right here.”

Vee was right. An aisle Luz had literally just glanced down was the fabric aisle; somehow it hadn’t registered. “Oh. Thanks.”

She picked out a couple of threads and fabrics, enough to give Hunter a wide variety of choices for any of his projects. 

Camila had lent them cash for the gifts, insisting that they could pay her back with chores. As they walked to the counter Luz fumbled with the money, trying to figure out exactly how much change she would need. Why couldn’t everything be priced in whole numbers?

By the time they were at the counter she still hadn’t figured it out, and she awkwardly pulled out a wad of cash. “Just a moment, sorry. I…”

“Here, let me help,” said Vee.

“No, I’ve got it, I just-” The money slipped from her hands and she let out an embarrassing yelp, snatching the bills off the floor. “Okay. Yeah, you can help.”

Vee took the cash from her, muttered some calculations under her breath, then smiled and handed the cashier the correct amount. After an effortless exchange, she pocketed the change and they left the store.

Luz knew her face was red, and she struggled to hide it, pulling her beanie down over her ears. She wished she still had her cat hoodie; she had loved being able to pull that over her face, even though it didn’t offer her any real protection.

It wasn’t like these struggles were new; she had always been hopeless when it came to math, and often walked right past the most obvious of things. There was just so much going on, her mind jumped from color to color and shape to shape without being able to pause and take it all in. Why was Vee so effortlessly good at those things?

“I thought of a gift for me to give Hunter!” said Vee once they were outside. “He likes wolves, right?”

“He’s obsessed with wolves” said Gus with a laugh.

“Then why don’t we get him a Build-A-Bear?”

Gus’s eyes widened in excitement and Vee quickly said, “They’re not real bears! That’s the place you were thinking of when you mentioned the skinning predators thing. They’re just toys. We can see if there’s a wolf one. Do you think that’s a good idea, Luz?”

Luz stuffed her hands in her pockets to hide that they were shaking. “Uh…yeah. I guess so.”

“You don’t like that idea?”

“I don’t know…” Luz glanced over at the store, where a ray of fluffy plush toys sat. They had barely changed it from when she was a kid. She used to go there all the time, until that one day… Of all the places, why did Vee have to mention that one? 

“They have one that looks like Emmeline!” Gus cried, already sprinting off to go check it out. Luz hung back. Were there any of her classmates around? Not so far, but you never knew when they could pop up. 

She walked with Vee to the shop, trying to duck her face so only her beanie was visible. Gus had already grabbed two plush skins; a wolf and a chameleon that looked like Emmeline.

“Uh, aren’t we shopping for Hunter?” Vee asked. “We can’t just waste Camila’s money.”

“I’ll do some chores to make up for it,” Gus said. “I have to have this.”

Vee caught Luz’s eye and they both shared a laugh about Gus. Only then did Luz catch sight of the teenagers. Oh no.

Luz sucked in her breath. “Guys, let’s go over here.”

She grabbed Gus and Vee and tried to tug them away. 

“Huh? Why?” 

She gestured to the teenagers, and Vee laughed. “Luz, they’re not going to kill us. You’re being ridiculous.”

“No, I’m not!”

“No one cares that we’re shopping here.”

“Yes, they do, I -“

“Hey, Vee!”

Luz squeezed her eyes shut as the teens noticed them. 

“Uh, what are you doing here?”

“Getting a present for my brother,” said Vee.

“Aww, that’s so sweet! I love Build-A-Bear so much, I’m going to have to get one soon. Have fun!”

They left. Just like that, they left. Luz unclenched her jaw, and looked up in shock. “You know them?”

“Yeah! They’re my coworkers.” Vee had taken up a part-time job over the summer, of course she would have coworkers. 

Coworkers that acknowledged her, told her she was sweet.Thought she was funny, and not in a mocking way. A lump gathered in Luz’s throat.

“Luz? You okay?”

“I…” Gus reached out to her but she flinched away from him too. She couldn’t do this. Laughter echoed in her head, her throat was closing up, she tried to grab at her beanie for comfort but it was already pulled down as low as it could go, and the room was spinning and-

She sprinted out of the store, breath rasping in her chest. “Luz!” She heard Vee’s shout behind her but she ignored it. 

She dove into the nearest restroom and shut herself in the disability stall, shaking and crying, the smell of toilet water and unwashed floor tile barely phasing her, not when her mind kept spiraling out of the present setting entirely. Why had she lost control like this? This was ridiculous; was she actually having a freak out about this? Why am I so stupid? 

She had no right to be upset, Vee hadn’t done anything wrong, and…and…

“Luz?”

It was Gus’s voice.

“I’m sorry!” she squeaked. “I’m so sorry guys, I’ll be fine in a minute, I-“

“Luz, hey, it’s okay. Can I come in?”

Gus’s voice was so calm; he didn’t sound angry. Of course he wasn’t angry,, he never failed to be kind, and she didn’t deserve that right now, but it was what she needed.

“Luz? It’s okay if no, but do you want me to come in?”

“Yes please.”

She reached up to unlock the stall door, and Gus awkwardly squeezed in next to her.

“Hey. Want to try a trick Willow taught me?”

Luz shuddered, and Gus held up his fingers, sucking in a breath while counting down on them.

Luz tried, she really did, but it wasn’t working and trying to hold the numbers in her head only made her more agitated. One, two…what came after two? How could she not know that? How was she that stupid? Her brain jumped wildly, almost able to stay on track but then jumping away again, pulling her back into the memories, back to that terrible, mocking laughter.

“I’m sorry Gus, I’m trying! I don’t know why it won’t work, Hunter told me about this and I know it works for you, I’m such a failure I -“

“Hey, woah, it’s okay. The same method isn’t always going to work for everybody. What usually helps you calm down?”

“Pressure.”

“Can I give you a hug?"

Her voice came out in an embarrassing squeak. “Yes please.”

Gus gave her a tight squeeze, and the direct, heavy sensation provided her brain something to focus on apart from her racing thoughts, though she couldn’t get rid of them entirely.

She was here, on the floor of a dirty bathroom stall at the mall, with her friend Gus. She was fifteen years old, not eleven. She was loved, she was safe.

She caught sight of Gus's dinosaur toy. “C-Can I try that?”

He gave it to her and she instantly knew why Gus liked it so much. She could flip and bend it all she wanted, and the movement gave her enough distraction to finally calm her breaths, tapering them off into longer, breathy sobs until finally she was able to speak.

Gus gently removed his arms from around her and she smiled gratefully. “Thanks, Gus. I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s really nothing. Just me being dumb.”

“Luz, I know we don’t talk all that much anymore-”

“Yes we do!” She flinched at the flat look he gave her. “Okay…maybe not as much as we used to…”

“Hey, I get it. You’re still my friend. And I know something’s up.”

Luz pulled her beanie lower on her head. Wow did she miss her cat hoodie. “I don’t know. I just feel a little…embarrassed? I know Vee’s been in the human realm for a while, but not that long! And she’s doing everything better than I ever did. You called her a human expert, but I’m the actual human.”

“I guess I assumed you hated the human realm; you always said you didn’t fit in.”

“I do hate it! I hate it so much.” Luz was embarrassed to feel tears prickling in her eyes once more. She shook the dinosaur toy to try to get her mind back on track. “And I thought I was fine with not fitting in, it was just how I was. But Vee fits in so easily, and she’s not from here. She made friends at that camp, Gus. She made a whole friend group in one month of getting here, and I didn’t ever have one in fourteen years!”

“You made a friend group in one day in the Boiling Isles.”

Luz paused. “Yeah. I did. Mostly because you guys were nice enough to deal with me.”

“That’s not true. We liked you, Luz. And even if we don’t hang out much as a trio like we used to, we still like you.”

“I know, but it’s just…I guess I thought there was a reason I didn’t fit in here, beyond me just being stupid. I know we never thought the situation would be like this, but I always kind of dreamed of showing you and Willow and Amity around. I mean, this is my whole thing, I’m ‘the human,’ I’m from another world, I know all the dangers here. But Vee’s been here for only a few months and she already knows more about how things work than I ever did. So if she came from another world and can be this competent so fast, that means it’s my fault I didn’t fit in here.”

“Would you say it’s my fault that I didn’t have any friends before Willow?”

“What?”

“Willow was my first friend. Ever. And before you came along, she was my only friend ever. People always told me I was the smart, funny one, but they still weren’t friends with me. Not really. And I still feel like I’m totally useless if I don’t know the answer to every question in school. Well, when I was in school that is.” His ears drooped, and Luz felt another pang at being reminded of how much they had lost because of her.

“But my friends don’t abandon me,” Gus continued. “You guys never look down on me even when I’m not acting like prodigy-worthy material. Even when I act dumb, and not in the funny way.”

“You are smart. And funny. But even if you aren’t always that way, that doesn’t mean…oh.”

Gus smirked. “Now you see what I’m saying?”

“Yes.” Luz groaned light-heartedly. “I see what you mean.”

They laughed together. Luz hadn’t had a talk like this with one of her friends in a long time. As much as she cared about them, she had to admit she hadn’t been paying the most attention to them. For valid reasons, of course. It would hurt less when they found out the truth. But maybe she could hang out with them a little more than she had been.

“I think you should talk to Vee about how you’re feeling.”

“No! She’s so nice, and she already feels guilty about taking my place. I couldn’t do that. She can’t know that I feel this way.”

“I think she already does. You’re not exactly the best liar.”

Luz froze. She knew she wasn't, but there were some secrets she had to keep. Gus was just referencing her feelings about Vee, right? He definitely didn’t know about the other thing. He couldn’t. 

“Just, maybe think about it?”

Luz sighed. “Okay. But there is…one other thing.”

“I figured. You didn’t really freak out until Build-A-Bear.”

“Yeah…let’s go find Vee. I’ll tell both of you.”

Vee was just outside, pacing back and forth, chewing on her nails, and when she caught sight of them Luz could tell she had to physically restrain herself from wrapping Luz in a hug. “Luz! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I, uh…need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay. I want to listen.”

Luz sighed. “The truth is, I freaked out at Build-A-Bear because it reminded me of something that happened a few years ago.”

She inhaled, finally allowing the memory to come to the surface. Luz, twelve years old. She had just entered middle school, and was so determined to not make it a repeat of elementary school, where she always played alone. That plan hadn’t been going well; no one had been directly mean to her but they certainly avoided her.

That changed when a girl asked for her to accompany them to the mall. She had been so excited to finally have friends, she rambled to her mom about it for a week before it occurred.

And for the first half of the trip, things had seemed wonderful. Looking back, she could see now that the smiles and giggles the girls had been making hadn’t been benevolent, but younger Luz thought they were. She had been delighted that they actually seemed interested in her.

She had been enthusiastically biting into a slice of pizza when she started to sense something was wrong.

“What are you guys looking at?”

“What? Nothing. You’re super into that pizza, huh?”

“Yeah?”

They giggled again, and Luz realized she had been hopping up and down with each bite she took. The flavor was amazing, but she had been rocking the table, and she quickly stilled herself. “Sorry.”

She tried to focus, willing herself to be still, when she caught sight of something that made her squeal aloud. Build-A-Bear had an otter plushie in stock.

She jumped up from the table, jostling it once more. “Sorry, sorry!” she stammered, gripping the table to try to steady the vibrations. “But look! It’s an otter, isn’t it cute?” Her voice broke off into an excited squeal.

She looked back at the group, and they were all looking at each other with wide grins.

“It’s so cool, Luz. You should get one.”

“Yeah!” She was about to head in, when she heard a word, whispered so quietly she would have dismissed it entirely, except for the look on the girls’ faces when she turned back around.

“W-what?”

“Nothing,” smiled the lead girl.

“Alyson, stop,” said one girl, jostling the lead with her elbow. “Don’t be mean.”

“I’m not being mean! People are reclaiming it, aren’t they?”

“Not like thaaaat.” But that girl was smiling too.

“She doesn’t care. Do you, Luz?”

“Care about what?” Luz said, trying to still the tremble in her voice.

“That you’re a retard.”

“Alyson!” The other girls gaped at her, but quickly started laughing into their hands.

Ice flooded Luz’s stomach. “You can’t say that. Papi said it’s a slur.”

“Oh no, her Papi said it was a slur. We’d better stop.”

Luz started to shake. She shouldn’t have brought up her dad; she couldn’t bear to hear him mocked, especially not now that he…

“If your Papi didn’t want you to be insulted he shouldn’t have named you Luzer.”

“My name is Luz! I-it means light, not loser. I…I…” She couldn’t hold back the tears welling in her eyes. “Stop bullying me!”

“Woah…It was just a joke.”

Luz screamed and banged her fists on the table. The other girls flinched back. “Dude, what the actual hell?” one of them said.

Luz ran, calling her mom to come pick her up. But she hadn’t told her mom what had happened; it was too humiliating, and Camila had enough stress to deal with. It wasn’t like that incident had been particularly bad, especially compared to other occasions. But it was the first time Luz had really noticed how much people hated her, the first time her dad hadn’t been there to do something funny and distract her, after giving her a reassuring talk. 

Socializing had only gotten worse from there. “Luzer,” “Freak,” “Cringe,” “Retard.” They mocked her at every turn.

Back in the present, Luz finished the story. “I know that sounds silly, but I still remember it. And when I saw you getting a plushie, and those teens thought it was cute, I just……I don’t understand! Why? Why do I try so hard and still get called a loser? And you barely have to do anything and people love you.” She clapped her hands to her mouth. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t even be thinking that-”

“Luz.”

Luz looked up quickly. Vee had a horrified expression on her face, and Luz frantically tried to wipe her tears away. “I’m sorry Vee. It’s not fair. I know what you went through, and you were right that first time. I had everything going for me. But I still ran away, and I’m selfish, and maybe that’s why people hate me. I’m so sorry for even bringing this up, it’s manipulative.”

“No, it’s not.” Vee looked on the verge of tears too. “I was wrong, Luz. I’m sorry. I…I didn’t know what you’d been going through.”

“It was nothing like what you went through.”

“No, it’s not, but what’s the point in comparing? What they did was horrible, and I see why you wanted to run away.” Vee sighed. “What I said back then… I was just…I was so excited. The human realm is the first place where I found family, and friendship. I was always treated like nothing but a freak and a monster, and now I’ve found somewhere where people like me, where I’m accepted, where I’m good at things. So I thought, how could anyone give that up? But now I see, what I found here is exactly what you found in the demon realm.”

Luz’s eyes widened. “I never thought of it like that.”

“I didn’t either until I started saying it, but yeah.  I love the human realm so much, and honestly, part of what I said was because I was so scared of having it taken away. That when you came back, I’d have to leave again. You know, I should have thought you would feel this way, because I was comparing myself to you.”

“What?”

“Yeah! I literally disguised myself as you for a few months, and I was scared that all Camila would see when she looked at me was a poor copy of you. Camila loves you so much, and I know that as much as she loves me, I could never be you. I felt guilty for taking your place. Sometimes I still do. But now you’re here, I’ve realized Camila still loves me. The real me, not the me that was trying to act like you. I don’t understand why you love the demon realm so much, but if it makes you feel half as wonderful as I feel being in the human realm, then I don’t blame you for staying there.”

Luz’s eyes welled with tears once more. “I’m sorry, Vee. I should have talked to you and asked you how you felt about all this.”

“Yeah, well…we all make mistakes. And my mistake was judging you without understanding that there’s more than one kind of monster. Maybe you weren’t locked up like I was, but you were treated like a freak, and you couldn’t escape. I was wrong. Teenagers can be dangerous. And if I catch anyone treating you like that again, I’ll show them something truly freakish.”

“Uh, sorry, Vee, but your basilisk form is freaking adorable.”

“What?” Vee seemed shocked, and Luz laughed.

“Did you not know?”

“I thought it was scary. Everyone’s always talking about how scary basilisks are.”

“Well I don’t know about all basilisks, but you are super cute.”

“Camila said that too…it means a lot. But I’m sure I can be scary if I try, and then those bullies will regret ever having messed with you.”

The two smiled at each other. “We really were destined to be sisters,” Luz said, softly.

“Sisters?”

“Aren’t we?”

“Yeah, I just…You mean that?”

“Of course! Were you worried that we weren’t?”

“I don’t know, I…I hoped we were. But I wasn’t sure.”

Vee was back to that nervous, flighty stance she had when Luz had first met her. Vee was so competent compared to the rest of them, Luz had forgotten how scared she had been back then. Now she saw that Vee still felt insecure, only hid it, much the same way that Luz was hiding her own secrets.

Luz gave her a reassuring smile. “Vee, of course you’re my sister. And as much as I’ve been feeling insecure, I’ve also really loved having you here. You’re awesome!”

Vee smiled. “Thanks, Luz. That means a lot.”

“You know, I’ve wanted a little sibling since I found out other kids have them. I literally begged my parents for one for a solid year, but they said they already had their hands full.”

“Aww…wait, little sibling? We’re like the same age!”

“I bet I was born at least a few months before you.”

“No way!”

“Mmm, I’m pretty sure yes. You have younger sibling energy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ll figure it out when you’re older.”

“Luz!”

They giggled together, until Vee said, “You know what? If Gus got a plushie, we should all get one.”

Gus pumped his fist. “Aww yeah, glad to see I brought you around to the dark side.”

“What happened to saving my mom’s money?” said Luz.

“I have some saved up from my job. Do you want one?”

Luz’s palms were still sweaty, but she nodded happily. “Let’s do it!”

---

Thirty minutes later, Vee, Luz, and Gus walked out of the store carrying a total of four boxes, each containing a plushie. 

They were all happily talking and laughing amongst each other, and Luz finally felt herself relax.  Then, as they rounded a corner, Vee suddenly tensed. “Wait, stop, stop!” Vee flung out her arms and Luz and Gus jumped back.

Vee was staring, frozen, at the sight of a teen with a black bob cut and tooth gap, sitting at the edge of the mall’s koi fish pond. 

The look Vee had gotten was instantly familiar to Luz. Here was an area Luz was definitely more experienced than Vee in.

“Does someone look interesting to you?”

“W-what?” Vee turned to her, a blush tinging her cheeks.

“Aww, you have a crush!”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do! My little sister has a crush!”

“I told you we’re the same age. And how would you even know that I have a crush?”

“It’s obvious, hermanita.”

Vee glared, then squeaked as the bob cut teen looked up, though they didn’t see Luz, Vee, and Gus.

Luz waggled her eyebrows.

“Stop!” Vee gave her a playful shove. “They’ll see you.”

“Aww, don’t worry. I was in the same situation before Amity and I got together. I couldn’t even walk by her without becoming a clumsy, awkward mess.”

“So…you acted like you always do?”

“Hey!”

"Ice cold!" Gus shouted. 

Everyone laughed together.

“Why don’t you try talking to them?”

“I can’t. It’d be weird.”

“But then you’ll never know if they feel the same way or not!”

“Luz, I…I’ve never had a crush before. I’ve never been able to get close to anyone, and I don’t even know if this crush is weird or not, since I’m, well…not exactly human.”

Luz felt a rush of tenderness for Vee.  “Hey, Amity’s a witch and I think that’s the coolest thing ever! I’m sure your friend won’t care.”

“I look a little less human than witches do.”

“True, true…but something tells me…what’s their name?”

Vee’s blush deepened. “Masha.”

Luz grinned. “Something tells me that Masha won’t mind.”

“You don’t even know them!” Vee paused, then said, “But…you really think so?”

“Look, hermanita, I am wise in the ways of romance, but I wasn’t always. I only ended up with Amity because someone very brave helped give both of us the push we needed. Well, more like kidnapping we needed, but you get the point. And maybe I can be that person for you. Without the kidnapping.”

“I’m not even going to ask for context.”

“It’s best if you don’t.”

“But…thanks. Really. I don’t think I’m ready to confess yet, but maybe I can tell you more about them?”

“Oh yes, please, spill all the details, you can tell me everything.”

Vee laughed. “Okay. But don’t call me hermanita anymore.”

“No promises.”

Part 1 can be found here

Part 3 can be found here

Part 4 can be found here

Part 5 can be found here

[galaxythreads]

Uhm... hi! Lore for Stygian? It's like one of my top favorite fics and I have it downloaded on my kindle to read offline, I love it sm!

I’m glad you love it so much. :) 

I was working on this for two+ hours and then my internet crashed and deleted everything. Which. :/ Good and terrible. I do not want to restart. I’m exhausted. I need to sleep. Terrible because I worked so hard on it. 

Good because. Well. 

Moment of honesty here. As I was going through lore for this, I came to the realization that the reason I hate Stygian so much has less to do with the writing style and more with how deeply, deeply traumatizing this section of my life was when I was writing it. Reading over the chapters was actually greatly distressing. Love the story’s concept. Hate the story itself because of what was going on at the time. 

I have severe c-pstd. This story has unfortunately turned into a massive trigger and I had no idea until now. Reading through some of the thoughts or the scenes was really, really hard. I was skipping entire sections of the story in the lore collection TM to avoid this. I’m fine with discussing the story as a whole, but the moment we start to dissect this and read specific lines is when I start to fall apart emotionally. 

As for what this means for Death Must be Lonely Like I Am, fingers crossed it’s different enough to not trigger me as badly as this did. 

I apologize that I can’t give as much lore for this fic as I could the others. 

Here’s as much as I can think of in a bullet-pointed list in ten minutes and then I’m going to go to bed. 

The entire story was planned in a notebook by hand with colored pens 

There was no reason for Steve to be in the basement with Tony in chapter 3(?), tony just pulled him down there to get him out of guard duty

I did not know how to drive when I wrote the car chase

I researched washing machines for like an hour before writing the scene where Laura was asking advice from Clint 

I fully embraced the tropes of hte time because they were fun and I wanted to work with them

English being the common-tongue on Asgard is the shittest thing I’ve ever read my past self doing. 

i had a thing against all-speak when I wrote this

I want to formally apologize to Deaf people for how I portrayed Clint as a deaf person

Loki and Tony were always going to bond over the Void

Everyone had a meticulous character arc that I planned out with SO MUCH FREAKING DETAIL

The first chapter is not the actual first chapter, it’s an edited version from a year later

I did not originally intend for them to ever go back to Clint’s mental health hospital, it was a happy accident

Alexander Pierce was supposed to visit the Raft with them in chapter 1

the reason the Avengers get kidnapped and shipped in a van across the country is because I watched The Gifted 

The grand reveal of Loki’s scars was - no joke - originally going to happen because Clint would dump boiling water on Loki

I found the Avengers chilling in the kitchen to be very comforting 

I wrot ethe scene where Lila and Cooper find Steve and co by hand at first

I think I originally misspelled Lila’s name as Lilia, and if not in this fic it was another one

i was still using cats as a curse word, WHY is a story for another time and related to me getting bullied/harassed off of my first ff.net account

my memories of this are fuzzy, but i THINK that I uploaded a majority of Stygian all at once. Like chapters 1-10 were posted in a day. Or that was Append? I have no idea honestly. One of hte two. 

I had already started Stygian when I got my a03 account though

Yes, loki has his sight back at the end of the story

God the actual deity is in this

Lila’s cat obsession was based off of my younger sister

I wrote the chapter where they wake up on the Barton farm while co-watching a sherlock holmes tv series (not Elementary or BBC Sherlock. An older version I can’t remember the name of right now) 

The Avengers hunting each other through the Tower was inspired by not one but TWO separate fics where this happened 

No one visited Loki while he was in the cell. That’s why he still had the muzzle on. Everyone was too afraid of him to approach the cell

Bucky being there was one of the base ideas for this. He was always going to be in the fic. He has a bigger role in DMBLLIA. 

The narrative parallel of the Avengers saving Loki from the Raft and Loki saving them from HYDRA was built into the plan 

someone yelled at me recently (in comment form) about how Bruce not feeling guilty about hurting Loki in chapter 8 was proof he was a psychopath even though the conversation was about not taking guilt for things that aren’t your fault. this was kinda funny. 

I might add to this tomorrow, but who knows. I am going to bed. 

asks about any of the bullet points if you want more information should tentatively be okay? if they’re not I’ll let you know. 

[transingthoseformers]

Oh Optimus, you are a damn case when it comes to Megs

At first, you had sait it was Megatron of Tarn you fell in love with, the revolutionary poet. But I got the sense that he cared a little less about who Megatron was at the clinic, Megatron the mech that stood in front of him (who, we very much know wasn't a complete Megatron. We know this was him while he was hurt, and that shit started going very wrong once the matrix healed the physical ailments)

Now, his thoughts we can see are suggesting that he wants the mech at the clinic back, who if I can recall only knew him for a couple days. I remember how funky it was that they literally only slept together once and Megatron said he didn't want a relationship yet (because well Terminus and all), but then two years later Megatron Prime came back and Optimus acted like they were long lost lover finally reunited, and Megatron found it super awkward.

Their relationship when Megatron was still with the Decepticons was a whole bucket of worms as to me it seems like Megatron was only fragging him to try and forget the pain of Terminus's loss for a little bit.

Their interactions so goddamn interesting the entire time he was there. Starscream was in the mix consistently making sure Megatron had no goddamn power, they accused Megatron of always demanding too much when Optimus tended to not follow any of his advice ever.

We saw my reaction to the whole fucked up Soundwave forced interrogation scene where Optimus just. Infuriated me at every turn with his actions and words, then had the audacity to feel betrayed that Megatron wanted to get mecha out of a bad situation even as he was abusing the vulnerability Megatron Prime had built with him.

Optimus doesn't want pre-matrix Megatron back, no he wants a compliant Megatron. He wants an idea of Megatron that he built up in his head.

Like, let's dissect this.

We know this isn't quite an accurate appraisal, considering everything I saw in that scene. That was a mech who was in so much emotional pain and fear that Starscream twisted into believing it was an act.

A thing we see time and time again is that all of the autobots came with Megatron willingly, no coercion iicr. I've went on and on about how protective they are of him, and how they're willing to heal him just the way he has healed them. He saw shit was wrong, as he had in the past, and wanted to change it.

Oh I have my own crusade against using the word cowardice as a descriptor. It's a very subjective term and almost every time I've seen a character depicted as a "coward" I instead see someone who's damn afraid. And honestly? In that last scene before Megatron Prime and the autobots fled? I didn't see a "coward". I saw a mech with very fresh wounds, both psychological and physiological, who was damn explaining why he's doing what he's doing.

[lary-the-lizard]

Sometimes I’m reading a book recently published and it’s such an era book with the way it depicts gender and sex and it hurts.

I’m a writer, I love coming up with characters. For me, making a character is more like making a discovery and eating it than it is making a making a recipe. I don’t add cool traits to my characters to make the perfect mix of things I like. The more I think about my characters and write them the more they reveal themselves to me. This is messy and often inconvenient but, for me, it makes my characters that much more “human” relatable, and lovable. They feel like someone you can get to know rather than a combination of attributes and traits someone packed together.

Being trans, gender is a complicated process in character building. My characters often come to me as male but the more I get to know them the more I understand their true genders. Esteban’s gender is a collection of random household items that have nothing to do with each other. Some safety pins, loose screws, pens, and nail polish. Nathan’s gender is garden lost to nature. Birds nests, overgrown weeds, thistles and thorns, bell peppers and goldenrod grow up from a floor of compost. Mice and bugs have made homes out of the foliage and dug tunnels underneath. Ranes is hidden baby teeth and ripped out hair, a bloodied handkerchief, long empty nights and stacks of unread letters. These are just symbols of singular aspects of my characters. I know them better than I know the words for them, there are parts of my characters that are integral to them that don’t fit any label or expression because they exist apart from me, as whole beings. Sometimes I only have the feeling of a character still becoming, and I can’t even really think of them yet because I don’t know their skin tone, hair color or past. I only know what they want or what they must do. When they join the story they have their own goals, no role for them was set, they respond to other characters in the story as they both go their own ways.

So I hate when a character is introduced with a role before a personality. I hate when they are the bearers of the status quo or act entirely as a prop for some other character. There is no faster way to find a writer’s intentions for the story than to dissect the role of a side character. But when an author doesn’t know what they doing they make it even worse by thrusting those roles onto their main characters, directly addressing the concepts they wish to discuss in the story. Instead of showing how uncomfortable patriarchy is the main character hates men in power and goes on inner monologues about what patriarchy looks like in this story by telling us about particular men. Instead of showing that a lover is good the MC says they made a big deal about virginity or comfort. The author did not deconstruct the whys these traits or events are important. When you know why these things are important to the character or story you can write those traits or plot points slowly forming.

A lot of authors, when writing male love interest, put a big emphasis on his masculinity and “show” this trait by making him muscular, insensitive , rich, and entitled. This makes the love interest attractive but his personality is vague. What even is masculinity? If you were to truly dissect the trait you’d find that it isn’t trait but a concept.

When I write men in my stories, I must understand their personalities before I know their bodies. Once I know their personalities I can locate their genders. I have masculine characters but what makes them masculine isn’t their bodies or possessions or accomplishments. It’s the intersections of various characteristics that comes out in the way they think, move, and talk. They don’t need deep voices or swag because I know my characters so well that I don’t need to prove that they’re masculine men by giving them testosterone or height or possessive personalities.

[comethrucoleman]

Do people think that when I say how I truly feel I’m crazy. I sugar coat a lot. I sweeten up a lot but once I start saying how I feel people think I’m crazy. I want to be weird and eccentric. I’m tried of people labeling me. Tbh I don’t feel good enough. Tbh I don’t want love. I don’t want hate. I just want to create. That’s it. I want to create my castle. One that is strong enough withstand and protect me and my peace. Yet also entaintaining with the ability for people to leave when it’s time to go. I think that the past 5 years have really made me appreciate the important of rebuild my castle. The are people in the world who look for reconciliation and praise and people who just want to live life to enjoy it. I don’t feel like I’m missing opportunities. I feel like opportunities that were presented to me were given to me because I didn’t understand the value of them because I didn’t have a clear guiding voice. There’s not a lot of people that pick up the phone and call me. I understand that I get lost sometimes and distracted. I do. I get really distracted. But I appreciate people that understand me the best. The people that understand me the best are those that pick up the phone and call me. Those that spend time with me. I have a lot of issues and I’m a difficult person. And I’m hard to dissect but sometimes you have to show me the path. I don’t trust words I trust actions. A lot of people fill my head up with lies constantly. And fake this and fake that but damn we were given 5 senses. People only chose the one that is audio. I appreciate the tangible. I believe in God almighty I wouldn’t be here with the Lord almighty. People don’t realize how hard it is to constantly see your castle destroyed every time you build something. I know that there are people suffering a lot worst then me but I believe in God and in my emotions they are real to me. It’s difficult to see your fruits of labor go to waste and rott right as you get to feast. I just ready to have a life that is consistent and structured. I enjoyed everything that everyone of my friends brought to my life down to cups. But I know that I deserve me. When I envision my life I want a life that genuinely gives me opportunities. I don’t understand how I can be presented so much opportunities but still be no where. There are very few men I like. Men fucking suck. There have only been 3 men in my life that I can say push me toward achieving better for myself. And the world has constantly like a stream down a river destroyed those relationship. I honestly don’t want anymore friends. I exhausted with human behavior. What am I missing what did I miss. Did I miss the rapture. I did so what is next for me. I dont fucking know. Im trying to figure it out… why was I not worry of it was it because I’m a Christian was it because I’m bad son. Well I’m not a bad son. I’m also not a Christian. I’m a child of God. That is less devisive. I follow the universal rules of life. Karma you can’t escape it. People try so hard to figure people out there is no figuring out there is only… the moment now. I think some of y’all really tried to kill me and my character. I think also of y’all suck at being mentors or good people. It’s not hard to push people in the right direction. First and foremost as well in the time and manager that is appropriate. I’m uncursing myself in 2023. As well as my mother in brother. We don’t deserve whatever sick voodoo magic tricks pawns discuss. That comes with carrying this name. A major part of me do want to change my name because I keep messing up. But like a good gardener you check up on the seeds you sow. Some of y’all didn’t even know where I was planted or growing.

[luxshine]

“Yo  a ti, Cas” Or how mexican dubbing gripped us tight and raised us from Despair.

Ok. So I promised a big meta about the dubbing thing and so while I don’t have all the answers YET, here’s a bit of perspective on the differences between Despair and The Truth.

  First, a little background. I am a former professional dubbing translator. While I worked on anime series from Japanese to Spanish, rather than in live action ones from English to Spanish, the process is not that different. Also, I worked in Mexico, where Supernatural is dubbed, so that’s why I can make the assumptions I make. Finally, my specialization in college was translation from English to Spanish, so I guess I know what the hell I’m talking about.

  So let’s start on HOW you translate something for a dub. Back in the day, you got a ton of VHS tapes with the episodes on them with time codes, and, if you were lucky, a shooting script. This is to say, it was not a transcript of the actual words said in the episode, but the script BEFORE the actors, directors, and everyone else had a hand on what was said and changed. And thus, anything adlibbed? Is not going to be in that script which, at least for the anime side of things? Was a nightmare as the script was usually “And here X actor can say whatever they want” and I had to go and listen to the scene ten thousand times. Now a days, you get either a video file or a streaming link, and sometimes, the shooting script. If you get a script, btw, you can also not get a script in the original language. I know that the person who had to translate Sprited Away to Spanish was working off a German script, not the Japanese one. So yeah, some things can be lost in translation there.

  THEN you get to translate. BUT you can’t just translate word by word. You have to adapt it so that it will sound like something a person will say, and sometimes, literally is not the way to do it. And in particular, Mexican dubbing has a reputation to uphold as the “Neutral” dub that is send to most Spanish-speaking countries in Latin America, so we can’t use certain words (I don’t have the list at hand, but I remember that I couldn’t use “Llanta” for Tire, and so I had to use “Neumatico”. And no “sweaters” or “hotcakes” or stuff like that), AND we have to match the lips of the original video. Which is like, the worst nightmare ever because of what we call “labiales”, that is to say, the letters where lips close.

  I can’t tell you how much we all loved when a character gave a long winded speech with their back to the camera due to those damned closed lip letters.

  All this is to say that sometimes, the line could be “We are all in this together for good or bad”, and the translation become something more like “Estamos en esto, por las buenas o las malas” (We’re on this, the good way or the bad way) or “Estamos juntos en las buenas y en las malas” (We’re together in the good and the bad), depending on the translator, dub director, and voice actor.

  Depending on the client, that is, the original owner of the series, sometimes they will review the translation once it’s all dubbed and edited. I know that in the Avengers movie, a Disney rep was present on the cabin and forbade any changes from the script, which resulted on a couple of awkward lines in the end result. I don’t know if that’s the case for Supernatural, but I honestly doubt it. Still, translators can’t make huge changes for the dialogue. One couldn’t just ADD a relationship that wasn’t there, no matter what.

  (As an aside, due to the very conservative mindset of some tv stations, it’s more common that gay relationships become more ambiguous, by changing “I love you” to “Te quiero” which can be more of a filial love than a romantic one. And well, that one case in Sailor Moon where a gay character was changed into a woman because the dub director honestly thought the character was a woman. But that was in the nineties)

  Now, let’s go to how Castiel’s speech was translated.

  The original, according to Superwiki, went like this:

  Castiel:  You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.

Dean: Why does this sound like a goodbye? Castiel: Because it is. I love you. Dean: Don't do this, Cas. Cas.

  And the translation, as it was aired, went like this (And people, you have no idea the war flashbacks transcribing this gave me, so I hope you appreciate it):

  Castiel: Eres el hombre mas amoroso sobre la Tierra. Un hombre sin egoismo; el hombre mas generoso que haya visto, y que jamas vere. Sabes que desde que nos conocimos y desde que te saque del infierno, el conocerte me ha cambiado. Porque a ti te importa. Y a mi me importa. Me importas tu. Y me importa Sam, me importa Jack, me importa todo el mundo. Y fue por ti. Tu me cambiaste, Dean.

  Dean: Porque suena esto a despedida?

  Castiel: Porque asi fue. Te amo.

  Dean: Yo a ti, Cas. (The empty appears and Billie opens the door) Cas…

  Castiel: Adios Dean

  Dean: No!

  Ok. So… At first glance, they’re pretty much the same until we get to the I love you. BUT let’s dissect it a little bit.

  Cas begins with a “Eres el hombre mas amoroso sobre la Tierra” which is not how I would’ve translated “The most caring man on Earth” since “caring” is more like “Cariñoso” rather than “amoroso” which would be “loving”, and yes, there’s a difference. Plus, “el hombre mas amoroso” sounds a bit clunky, so Personally, I’d have gone with “Eres el hombre mas cariñoso en la Tierra”, that would’ve given us more time for the rest of the speech, but I wonder if the translator choice for Amoroso instead was more due to the fact that “amor” (love) is more clearly romantic than “care” (cariño, in a sense, more on this later) and so it foreshadows the end.

  Again, with the literal clunkyness we have “Un hombre sin egoismo” (A man without egoism) which sounds weird no matter what language you speak, and it should’ve been “Un hombre dadivoso” (A giving man) or “un hombre desinteresado” (a selfless man) although the second could be mis-construed as “a man without interests” so “dadivoso” would’ve better. But the more puzzling is that the Spanish separates the selfless man from the next, which is REALLY confusing as the English is “the most loving man”, which would be “el hombre mas amoroso” making it quite redundant, so the Spanish changes it to “the most generous man”, “el hombre mas generoso”. To add to this, Cas continues with “that I have seen and I will ever see” instead of “That I know”, because it’s far more poetic. And loving.

  So yeah, Mexican Cas is basically saying that Dean Winchester is made of love and puppies.

  Ahem.

  The next part “You know, ever since I pulled you out of hell, you’ve changed me” is more or less word for word, and the only thing that changes is that the English sounds more like a question and the Spanish one is an affirmation. YOU KNOW that ever since I pulled you out of hell, you changed me.” Little verb tense play, that doesn't change much except Cas’s resolution to say what he has to say.

  And then we get to the part that made me squeal out loud. Because we go from

  “Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you”

  To

  “Porque a ti te importa. Y a mi me importa. Me importas tu. Y me importa Sam, me importa Jack, me importa todo el mundo.” Which at first glance is the same, but NOPE.

  First change: The original is in past tense “I cared”. Spanish version is in present tense: “I care”.

Which is a little non important thing except when you remember that simple present means “immutable absolute truth that won’t change with time”

  Second, the choice of word for care.

  I mentioned before that Care can be Cariño, as in filial, non romantic love (Or romantic love pet name, as it can also be Darling. It’s one of THOSE words). Other translations for care include “cuidado” (as in attention, concern, keeping, and worry), and of course “interesarse” (Which also can be care), “preocuparse” (care, bother, trouble, mind, fuss), and yes, “importar” but “importar” ONLY translates to English as a verb as “import”, “matter” “amount to” and notice how none of those words include “love”.

  Mexican Cas is not saying “you love the world, and so I do”. Mexican Cas is saying “The world matters to you, and thus it matters to me, but my feelings for the World (and Sam, and Jack) are not in the same league as my feelings for you.”

  And then Dean asks “Why does this sound like a Goodbye”, just like in English, in present tense…

  And Mexican Cas replies in PAST tense. “Porque asi fue”. And THIS is important because it means that everything he said before WAS the goodbye, and not what comes next. All the rest? Is in the past. “Because it was”. Not “Because it IS”. And the next part? Is their future.

  I love you.

  Te amo.

  Simple present. No ambiguity like “te quiero”. Spanish Te amo is for romantic love. Not brotherly, not family, not bro-mantic. ROMANTIC.

  It’s like “I’m IN love with you” (Although that’d be “Estoy enamorado de ti” and I doubt that would’ve fit in the time Misha spoke)

  And of course, the answer. “Yo a ti, Cas”. Not “And I, you” as I’ve seen it before (And I also thought it was, until transcribing the scene) but a simple “I, you, Cas.” Which ok, pretty cave-speak, but the meaning is pretty clear. Dean Winchester loves his gay angel.

  It is also telling that the empty doesn’t appear until AFTER Dean confessed, so no, Mexican Cas is not “happy with the saying”, he had to get to the “happy with the having”.

  And when Billy appears, it does seem as if he wants to say something more, but Cas is a love-sick selfsacrificing dumbass and so we all get our hearts broken.

I did get in contact with Dean Winchester’s mexican voice actor, and am waiting for answers to a small interview I did with him which includes the question “did that And I you, Cas” was in the script, and am trying to contact Castiel’s mexican voice actor. So I will be updating you on that. But I hope this clears up some of the questions about how Mexican dubbing made Destiel Canon :D

[shipsandlattes]

So I know everyone has already dissected this scene to its core, but it’s taken me a good 48 hours to digest this and I just needed to get it out.

I’m an aspiring actor, I’ve been training for a long time, with a lot of amazing teachers. I’ve watched a lot of shows and shipped a lot of couples. Some of them beautiful and canon, others, well, let’s just say waiting 22 years and counting for acknowledgement, closure, anything, it’s a damn challenge. I’ve seen a hell of a lot of will-they-wont-they’s, baiting, purposeful ignorance, deliberate fake outs, zero explanations, storylines that basically caused canon disintegration, the works.

In saying that, Dean and Cas were right up there on the list with the other “impossibles” because honestly, I didn’t think the writers would have the guts to do it, but I am so f*cking proud they did. It’s safe to say I’ve watched the scene a good hundred+ times already. 

I’ve seen a lot of “controversy” around Dean’s reaction/Jensen’s acting choices and whether or not Dean reciprocates Cas’ feelings, and obviously, I needed to add my own views to the mix.

Just work with me for a minute here.

Dean Winchester is an emotionally repressed trainwreck, and ironically enough, the one that is so full of emotion it hurts to watch. When Cas first starts his speech, he’s confused, really confused because why on earth would Cas start off on a rant now? Billie’s waiting to kill them, he just said he knew something that was more powerful than she was, something that could save them. That’s where he thought this speech was going.

The confusion turns to realisation that it’s a goodbye when Cas starts telling him how incredible he is, how his entire essence is love. Go back and watch the scene again, when Cas says “you’re the most caring man on Earth”, you physically see Dean look down, his eyes searching, he’s actively trying to make sense of what’s happening, he knows what’s coming and you can see him coming to terms with the shock of the words being said to him. He then looks directly at Cas. That look, that was pure shock.

Also, notice how he doesn’t stop Cas from talking? He doesn’t interject, make a joke, doesn’t talk about how there is no time for this now, they’ve got to at least try and stop Billie. He. says. nothing. He listens, he listens like I’ve never seen Dean listen before. Because it’s sinking in now.

When Cas really starts crying, when he says “you changed me, Dean”, you can actually see the pain in Dean’s eyes. He’s no longer in control of his emotions, he’s crying too. He’s never seen Cas like this, so raw, and vulnerable and human. This is the hardest, most emotional conversation they’ve both ever had. They are talking about the one thing that everybody knows, but is never addressed. When it wasn’t talked about, they could deny it, live in the lie. Once it’s said aloud, it’s real and they can’t turn back.

This above series of interactions is the part that kills me the most. The moment Cas says “because it is”, that’s the exact moment of realisation. Look at that last GIF, really look. He’s just worked it out, that he is Cas’ true happiness. He knows what’s coming before Cas even says it. Go back and watch the scene again, they pulled that off so well, the way the music swells at this exact moment. Jensen is giving us everything here, you can see what’s happening in his head - he is Cas’ happiness. He is the one thing on Earth Cas wants and thinks he can’t have. He is the reason Cas is about to die. He knows what Cas is about to say and he’s not sure he’s ready to hear it, not now, not like this. It’s almost a silent plea not to say it, because he knows. Of course he knows. It’s like he can’t quite believe Cas is really, after all this time, finally going to say it.

And because obviously Jensen decided that that wasn’t enough to break us, the loaded reaction when Cas says “I love you” has me nothing but convinced that it’s reciprocated. Because Dean knows. He’s always known. Those tears, that head tilt, that gulp. He’s so genuinely confused that they’re really having this conversation. It’s like he can’t quite believe that this is the reality before him because he’s been living in that denial, in that self-loathing and unlovable layer he believes to be true. He’s been under the ‘what if... but it could never be’ umbrella for so long. 

What also makes this real is that there isn’t anyone else around this time. When “I love you’s” have been said before, they have always been able to deflect it, with other people or other words. Now it’s just the two of them. No deflecting, no running away. Dean is forced to hear it, to absorb it, to realise it’s for nobody else but him.

Now, I don’t know if you guys felt this, but when Dean says “Don’t do this, Cas”, he wasn’t just referring to Cas sacrificing himself to the Empty, he’s telling Cas that he can’t just say this, not now, knowing he’s going to die, knowing that Dean won’t get a chance to think, to process, to say what he needs too. I keep staring at that GIF above, Dean is breaking down, I’m almost convinced that Jensen was using an “I love you too, please just stop this” inner monologue for this bit. Look at the way he’s looking at Cas before he realises the Empty has started materialising and turns around. That’s a look of pure heartbreak. Trust me when I tell you, it’s really hard to keep those inner thoughts inside if you’re so in the moment - actually, don’t just take my word for it, read any acting book, ask any actor, it’s so hard to keep that in and sometimes you don’t, and sometimes you do - it’s in both the resistance and the letting go that the gold happens. This my friends, is gold. 

Did anyone else hear “Cas, I-”, well, regardless of whether or not it was an “I” or a very sharp breath, the outcome is the same. Dean’s gone into immediate panic mode. The Empty at one end and Billie at the other, and all poor Dean wants to do is gather his thoughts on not what to say but how to say it. I don’t think he comprehended just how little time he had, he was so focused on what was being said that the reality of the situation caught him completely off guard.

Also, I know this post was about dissecting Dean’s reaction, but can we sidebar a minute to talk about Cas as he pushes Dean out of the way? He’s sobbing, he’s fully crying. That hit me really hard, I’ve never seen Cas cry like that, I’ve never seen Misha get to play that level of emotion before and it was the most heartbreaking thing to watch since The Doctor and Rose and Buffy and Spike, to which by the way, I find many parallels between those couples and this scene.

Speaking of crying, that brings me to this: Dean slumped on the floor, ignoring a call from Sam, sobbing his heart out knowing he’s lost everything. Dean-I’m-emotionally-unavailable-Winchester is sobbing. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t recall ever seeing Dean cry like this before either, the sobbing was so evident and piercing in that silence. The look around the room, the burying of his head in his hands, that is a classic writers romantic love trope if I’ve ever seen it, they really pulled out all the stops with this one.

So, to summarise, I think Jensen’s choices and Dean’s reactions were absolutely and utterly perfect. They both did it so well that it didn’t break from character that these two emotionally distant and repressed men are in love and finally voicing it. Jensen barely said two words and still managed to cause mass coronary’s across the fandom. That my friends is what you call a brilliant actor. I bow down to the talents of these two amazing human beings.

Before I leave this novel, I have to say there are now a few things I’m going to need from the powers that be to not screw this up, help me manifest this:

1. Dean gets to reciprocate his feelings to Cas in person. So, I’m gonna need Cas back and a very emotional Dean.

2. Dean to be actively dealing with heartbreak in the next episode (unless they decided to bring Cas back that soon, which I wouldn’t put past them at this point).

3. Sam to confront Dean about his feelings for Cas, because out of everyone, he’d be the one to hit Dean with the truth of his fears. Sam knows. Sam is supportive. Sam sees it all.

4. I’m gonna need some physical affection, cause after 12 years of nonsense, we damn well deserve it. A hug, and not just any old reunion hug, a proper, this is different now hug. A kiss because hello, in love out loud now. Forehead touching, handholding, really gonna need the works here.

5. A happy ending for the two of them, one way or another. We’ve never had one, it’s time.

Okay, have at it now, let’s speak these into existence please.

Note: GIFs are not mine, I did not make them, credit to owners who I’m not sure of, but they’re beautiful, thanks for making them. EDIT: I’ve just been informed that these gorgeous gifs belong to @michaeldean​ and @inacatastrophicmind​! 

[hms-no-fun]

I guess this is less a question than it is a critique?

I love godfeels in general and I do realise that it was a story about more than just being trans - it was a brilliant dissection of just how little thought Hussie actually put into how fucked up the powers he was giving to literal children and the things he wrote them as doing were, but there was one point that kind of irked me.

Specifically it was the bit where Dirk, who is (at least in as much as godfeels is concerned) kind of a metaphor for transphobia actually sort of has a point? Because there was that whole thing where June actually did kill most of her friends, topple a building and massacre a bunch of innocent people. Dirk's point that "John Egbert never did anything like this, it's only June that did something like this" is... irritatingly valid?

Once it's revealed that Dirk can somehow remember retconned timelines, his initial actions become irritatingly justifiable? At first his actions have less to do with transphobia and more with the "holy shit this previously quiet, agreeable person suddenly KILLED ALL HER FRIENDS."

Yes, Dirk's manner of confronting June about it is creepy as hell. Yes, Dirk's core motivation is incredibly egotistical and shitty - she's incredibly powerful and these recent changes in her life put that power even further outside Dirk's ability to control it. But a timeline verifiably exists wherein, under the influence of Trickster Mode, she kills a bunch of people including some of their mutual friends. Dirk, as much as I despise him, had a right to be concerned about that.

Real transphobia doesn't have a justification like that? And yes, eventually Dirk does slip into the standard transphobia motivation of "you are not the person I need you to be for my world to make sense in my head." Eventually it's all just trying to beat the world into the shape he wants it to be. But it didn't start that way, it started with June actually posing a threat to people he cared about, and it feels... unpleasant? To have some avenue for "well, actually, he had a point" like that.

you’ve got some real chutzpuh bringing this to me, kid. i respect that!

this is a quagmire i was very aware of while writing gf2 and that i’ve gotten some pushback for in the past, and i’ve always tried to respond to it earnestly and in good faith. but this is a really complicated question to get into for me, more complicated than you might realize, so there’s gonna be a lot of stuff here that might seem irrelevant or dismissive and i’m definitely gonna repeat myself more than once. just try to walk with me here and if you’re still unsatisfied by the end, my askbox remains open. just know in advance that this is a LONG one.

so, to start, a couple quibbles:

first, i don’t agree at all with the idea that andrew didn’t put much thought into how fucked up it was for baby teenagers to have godtier powers. i cannot think of a single arc in the main cast that doesn’t, on some level, involve the character in question realizing how traumatized they are by the heights of power and corruption they ascended to before even being old enough to vote. act 6 is fully half the comic and it’s practically an academic exegesis on just how fucked up it is for teens to have godtier powers. how else would you describe the post-juju quadruple dialogue between the Alphas on their death slabs but as an exhaustive deconstruction of the aftermath of sburb-related godtier trauma? you’ve got Dave’s decision to stop using time travel, Rose’s whole thing about communing with the horrorterrors, i mean shit Alternia as a whole is just “what if kids had superpowers and could kill each other would that be fucked up or what,” not to mention two of the most important conversations in homestuck proper (at least for me) are Jade’s discussion with alt-Calliope about the crushing loneliness of being a Space player, and its immediate followup in Jade’s conversation with Davepeta about the unmitigated freedom of being an anything player. that’s a lot of tension for one dog to process! just because characters never come out and explicitly say “wow, isn’t this fucked up” doesn’t mean the author is unaware of how fucked up it is. but also isn’t that literally Dave and Dirk’s last conversation before the end of act 6?

second, i want to challenge your read on where Dirk in gf2 started. yes, there’s an element of his attack on June that is “you are a danger to my friends,” but it cannot go unstated in any discussion of this work that at this point in the narrative Dirk is explicitly preparing for the events of the meat-timeline of the homestuck epilogues. which, you know, involved more than his fair share of below-board friend torture. this isn’t a trivial fact, as much of what occurs in gf3 is a result of godfeels not being the epilogues (hence the subtitle Divergence Syndrome). so we need to understand that, like June, his decisions are never motivated purely by altruism. yes, he’s worried about his friends, but specifically what he’s worried about is that they won’t experience the specific series of traumas that he thinks will make for a better story. just because WE don’t know that for sure until a bit later doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.

but these quibbles are largely surface-level and don’t, i think, get to the core of your criticism. what we’re really talking about here is interpretation, and i think more broadly we’re talking about media literacy-- which is NOT me suggesting that YOU SPECIFICALLY are in any sense illiterate! but rather that this particular line of criticism, i must admit, always comes across to me as woefully shortsighted. it’s a criticism filtered heavily through a post-tumblr lens, and i promise i don’t mean that entirely dismissively. it’s a lens i used for a very long time myself, and it still colors a lot of my approach (sometimes for better, sometimes for worse). so i’m coming to you now as someone who has grown out of that approach, and who genuinely wants to suggest an alternative. but i’m getting ahead of myself.

the chief disagreement i have with your criticism begins when you say that Dirk “is kind of a metaphor for transphobia.” you’re not wrong here, of course, but i think you’ve stopped at one circle inside a much larger venn diagram. Dirk is only kind of a metaphor for transphobia insofar as the entire cast of godfeels 2 is kind of a metaphor for transphobia. including the people who aren’t violently retaliatory!

what really motivated me to write gf2 in the first place was my dissatisfaction with the black & white morality tale quality of most conventionally popular transgender narratives. i identified with John Egbert the most of all the cast of homestuck, but when June hit critical mass in 2019 i really felt that a lot of the depictions i was seeing just... weren’t all that genuine to my experience. and look, i’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a “June comes out and is accepted by her friends and gets to have a nice time” fic. i’m glad they exist and i’ve read & enjoyed a fair few in my time! but that wasn’t the kind of story i wanted to write, because as a trans woman that just wasn’t my experience of coming out.

my experience of coming out was that no one was ever outright transphobic to me. my friends were initially very encouraging! but as time wore on it became clear to me that their surface level acceptance belied a deep almost metaphysical rift between us, an inability or unwillingness to understand what was actually going on with me. by the time a year had passed, we weren’t on speaking terms anymore and i blamed myself for all of it because those were the terms they couched our conversations in. they saw me as mentally unwell in ways that they insisted had nothing to do with my gender, and they said i needed to “get help” for reasons that had nothing to do with my gender. gender never even came up.

and the thing is, i have no doubt that’s what they genuinely believed. but the fact that it only came to a head the way it did after i came out is really hard for me to ignore, you know? this is why Rose’s “I just have some concerns” comes up over and over again-- a lot of trans people aren’t in the best place when they come out, so it’s easy for well-meaning friends to question whether this is genuine or if it’s just another part of their mental illness. i sometimes wonder how much my friends actually believed me when i told them i was trans, because i was so goddamn depressed and i’d had so many supposedly life-changing revelations in the past that led to absolutely fuckall. from their perspective, how was this different from any other time i swore up and down that i was on A Better Path?

now, obviously they were WRONG, and i wish they’d supported me better. but they also had full-time jobs, they had their own lives and mental health struggles to deal with. so i understand, you know? i’m still mad about it, and i can’t ever really forgive them for how much it hurt me, but i don’t hate them. and i certainly don’t think they’re transphobes. it’s just that most day-to-day transphobia isn’t a conservative saying “you’re not a real [gendered noun],” it’s little shit that no one but you even notices and if you try to bring it up, nine times out of ten you get told you’re just reading too much into things, you’re making everything about gender when it has nothing to do with gender, etcetera etcetera. but it all adds up for us, you know? that’s microaggressions innit

but this gets us to the real sticky part, the part you’ve probably been silently saying muttering “this is a copout you’re not ACTUALLY addressing my question” over: retaliatory violence. and here’s as good a place as any to say that if you haven’t watched my video about writing everything before gf2.3, i suggest giving it a watch as i discuss this topic pretty thoroughly there. i imagine i’ll be saying many of the same things now, just with a bit more perspective.

let’s start with mental illness.

i’m on medications for bipolar and adhd. i wasn’t always. in the years before i came out, i was a bitter, lonely, confused mess of a person. as a child and teen i had anger problems, i had violent fantasies, i felt a really deep desire to react to the smallest injustices delivered onto me by my bullies with cartoonishly over-the-top violence. not all or even most of these fantasies were justified. i was an edgelord teen who loved quentin tarantino movies, of course i was shitty. the friends i mentioned above, like i said, i do understand where they were coming from. they didn’t have access to my mind, they had their own lives to live, and just as they weren’t communicating with me, i wasn’t communicating with them. at the time i blamed myself for everything that was turning sour in our relationships, but i still had nightmares and fantasies where i’d scream in their faces for some kind of recognition or acknowledgement only to become outrageously violent when they failed to do so. i felt guilty for those fantasies, they reminded me of being 17 thinking to myself “man if i weren’t so anti-gun i’d make a really good school shooter.”

that’s a vile thought, right? that’s the kind of thing if someone said it to you out loud, you’d probably have a few concerns.

but i didn’t say it out loud. it was just a thought that popped into my head from time to time. what matters, what really matters in any material sense, is that i never even came close to acting on it. a thought isn’t real, an image of fake violence isn’t real, an unacted-upon desire to inflict violence isn’t real. fiction, too, is not real. and through my entire adult life, the only consistent outlet of any worth i’ve had has been fiction.

the question of how “acceptable” it is for traumatized people to process their trauma in fiction is, i must admit, rather obnoxiously contentious. i’ve seen ostensible leftists genuinely say without a hint of irony, “yeah, okay, fine, you have every right to explore your complicated feelings about [traumatic event] in fiction, but you shouldn’t post it anywhere.” so, what, people who have flawless, frictionless transitions are allowed good representation, but when a messy transition is depicted that’s just universally bad representation? if a queer character isn’t shown to be unambiguously good and correct, then that’s... that’s bad? why doesn’t it count when i say that i feel better when i read a story that reflects how fucked up my life is? why’s it gotta be that every story needs to be for everyone? why’s it gotta be that my story that i started writing for my own reasons with no expectation of getting paid for it, no expectation of any kind of substantial audience, ought to stand as an unimpeachable argument in favor of trans women’s infallibility? trans women aren’t infallible. charlotte clymer exists. caitlyn jenner exists. it flattens and diminishes the humanity of marginalized people to insist that it’s a flaw when a story doesn’t make it unambiguously clear that not all marginalized people are bad. it’s not my job as a trans woman to make sure you, the reader, know that not all trans women are bad. i assume that you know this. i assume that you can look at the circumstances of the narrative and understand that this has always been a speculative scifi story about a world that operates on very different rules than our world, about people who are capable of things that no one in our world is capable of.

you know how sometimes you’ll have a conversation with someone and they’ll say just the most catastrophically stupid shit, but as much as you WANT to roast them for it you know it’d be rude and unproductive? well what if you could roast that person, get it out of your system, and then retcon the whole exchange out of existence? as i’ve said in other answers, the horror of retcon is that it puts you in the driver’s seat of your own personal groundhog day, unlimited and consequence-free throughout time and space. i know this probably seems utterly irrelevant to the substance of your criticism, but to me it’s everything. the feels in godfeels have always been rooted in the dreadful existential weight of knowing that you could get away with doing absolutely anything you wanted with terrifying ease.

homestuck is a violent story. how many times do we see those teens get stabbed to death? so for me, as gf2 soared out of my hands and grew in scope, it felt obvious and natural to take that premise and combine it with the messiness of my own coming out. to explore gender and violence together. when i wrote the scene where Callie gives June her juju, i knew that i was stepping into REALLY dangerous territory, because June is transgender, and a trans person who kills her other queer friends for being above-average in their transphobia is bad transgender representation.

right?

i think that’s the core of what you’re driving at with your criticism-- that Dirk, the emergent antagonist of godfeels 2, the guy who’s essentially demanding that June detransition Or Else, has a point when he says that June is dangerous and can’t be trusted to have anyone else’s best interests at heart. you point out that, in real life, transphobes don’t have a point when they attack trans people, and that’s true. i agree with you.

the first thing i’ll say here that i think will drive you up the wall is that tried and true age-old canard: depiction isn’t endorsement. June Egbert is a character making choices; Dirk Strider is a character making choices. they have their reasons, some good, some bad, but i tried very hard not to make it so the narrative took a side as such. obviously to an extent that’s impossible when our perspective is so thoroughly fixed through June’s eyes, but i tried to show in Dirk’s narration (especially in his fight with Roxy) that he’s not a mustache-twirling villain over this. he’s a guy with a plan who doesn’t know how not to have that plan anymore when something essential to the plan changes. he has his own doubts about what he’s doing. in fact i think you could make a very compelling case that, from Dirk’s perspective, June and Terezi systematically turned all his friends against him for their own diabolical ends. and like, hey! arguably the realityquake is a direct result of June refusing to do what Dirk told her to do. that’s kind of fucked up, right? to which i say that nowhere did i ever promise that June would be The Good Guy of this story. no one who has that kind of power over others is ever ever ever simply The Good Guy.

the second thing i’ll say to this point is that growing up queer in this world is messy. i’ve already enumerated my mental unwellness, now let me add that many of my trans friends share a similar spread of ailments as well as a similarly messy upbringing. something we never really talk about, for i think pretty obvious reasons, is the fact that just by virtue of how awfully closeted queer people in general are treated, a lot of us do have really checkered pasts. to be clear this is by absolutely NO means a universal generalization, i’m not saying all or even most trans people are like this. but a number of us are. and i’ve gotten so many messages from trans people who read godfeels and felt seen by it, felt seen by the very problem you’ve astutely identified. what’s to be done with their testimony in this conversation? is it irrelevant? are they wrong? would you go to them and tell them, well, sure, i guess you can say that, but it’s still problematic and needs to be...

needs to be what? that’s what i’m really trying to understand now. what is it, exactly, that you want from me. if you’re saying the moral quandaries of gf2 need to be interrogated, yeah, i agree. you see something problematic in godfeels 2, and i agree with you that it’s problematic. i put it there on purpose. i thought a lot about that choice. i did it because my life has often been problematic, in ways both fair and unfair, and because most of those problems just don’t have easy answers. sometimes there are good guys and bad guys, sometimes someone is absolutely in the wrong. but a lot of times the reality is a lot greyer than that. and just because we’re seeing painful pushback against even the meagerist of trans rights on a global scale doesn’t mean that my depiction of a problematic trans woman is somehow immoral or counterproductive for “the trans community.” which i know is not what you said, but it’s hard for me not to jump to this conclusion when this is always where it leads. if i seem overly defensive it’s because i’ve had to field a version of this question SO many times over the years, and while you may think yourself disconnected from any wider critical perspective (i have no way of knowing this, obviously), i see an undeniable continuity in terms.

i put scare quotes around “the trans community” because there are plenty of trans communities where i have never felt particularly welcome. as a non-passing trans woman who leans butch, there are so many pillars of the lgbt spectrum that’d criticize or disavow me it makes my head spin. generally i’m okay with that. not every space is or should be for everyone, just the same as not every work of fiction is or should be for everyone. and i don’t want a fucking thing to do with transmed gender essentialist circles anyway.

godfeels is not for everyone. it is a story about violence, ignorance, trauma, guilt, and a whole charcuterie board of other messy emotions besides. i have never been interested in looking at a fictional character and saying “this is a purely bad thing in a cosmic sense that they’re doing,” because i just don’t find that interesting to write about. someone can choose to hurt a lot of people in an act of what could be accurately described as evil, but that person still CHOSE to do what they did. their actions made sense to them, even if they don’t make sense to us. even if they scare us. and i think it’s important to decry the actions of real people in the real world when innocent people get hurt. but fiction is not the real world. yes, obviously fiction effects reality in some ways- it shapes how we view the world, how we view each other. but so often in these conversations, there’s simply no sense of scale or severity. what negative social affect can be attributed to a homestuck fanfic written by a trans woman when huge swathes of the american populace are using fuckin marvel movies to justify escalating the war in ukraine? what about jk rowling weaponizing her gargantuan fanbase against trans people? i cannot fathom holding up even the truly vilest of fanfic as representative of some grave social ill or as setting back perception of a marginalized group with any kind of longterm conviction when we are surrounded on all sides by corporate propaganda that cynically puppets the corpse of the liberal lgbt movement to lend their worthless backwards trash an air of Progressive Clout. like i’m supposed to be impressed that there’s a trans person in the background of an otherwise pro-imperialist nightmare of bad CGI and rampant labor exploitation. did they employ trans people? did they get a trans person’s perspective on that character or on the narrative as a whole? did they even talk to any trans people? who gives a shit about depiction or representation, we could have a million trans characters in cinema and still be completely fucked as a demographic if those characters were all written by cis white men who think the feminine essence theory is good feminism. what i care about is whether or not trans people can stay fed and pay rent, and that includes trans people whose lives and stories don’t mesh with the popular narratives about trans people. if your politics involve telling problematic trans women to shut up, to hide their trauma, to get out of the limelight lest our enemies use us as ammunition in their war against all of us, then i’m sorry but you’re just a conservative censor doing the job of a GOP politician for free at absolutely no one’s behest and to everyone’s detriment including your own. when the conservatives come for queer people, they won’t care who among us is “respectable.” queerness itself is their enemy, and they’ll kill the based just as surely as they’ll kill the problematic.

and that’s where it really comes down for me, you understand? i’m totally aware of how soupy this moral dilemma is. i fucking wrote it! i think it’s an interesting tension to have to sit with a character who knows that even though they had (what at least felt like) a good reason, even though it literally hasn’t happened anymore, they still did something terrible that they regret and that they’ll remember for the rest of their life. the flashbacks we see in 2.3 of June going door to door to get folks on her side are explicitly framed by a recurring guilt and doubt that June feels at every step of the process. she knows that she fucked up with the retcon, and she knows she made everything worse by dangling Dirk over a volcano, but she doesn’t know how to talk this out, and Terezi just sort of assumes that their only option is a full-on combat scenario. also, man, once again no one questions Terezi’s role in this! the eponymous “good plan” of 2.3 is HERS. the only part of that plan that’s genuinely June’s is her choice to take Jade to fight Lord English, and it’s the part that ultimately saves the day.

Jade, of course, having had her own past meddled with retcon-ways by June’s own admission in gf1. so we have a June who in the past tried to intervene in someone else’s life to make it “better” from her perspective, now turning around and intervening in that same life for essentially the same reason. only this time she’s giving Jade a choice. or is she? does Jade have a choice? did I as the writer give her a choice?

again, you’re seeing the same thing i’m seeing. you’re seeing that June and Dirk both Made Some Points. you’re seeing that June is not a paragon of virtue even though she’s transgender. the difference is that you think your reaction is not the intended experience. yes, i say, it is problematic, it is uncomfortable, it is unpleasant. but problems exist to be solved, and i’m not the person who can give you the answers. if June isn’t a perfect trans woman, if she did in fact Do Some Things Wrong, then that just makes her human (which, as you’ll recall, was a question very much on June’s mind in gf1). i’m not interested in saying whether or not any of these events are Good or Bad in a cosmic or moral sense because, yet again, that’s just not interesting to me as a writer.

and this is what i mean when i say that you’re coming at this from a decidedly post-tumblr perspective, because again, you’re seeing what i’m seeing, but you’ve stopped at a smaller circle inside a larger venn diagram. this is not a story about how trans women are unambiguously good and correct at all times, it’s a story about lateral violence among queer friends who also happen to be unfathomably powerful gods. these are not normal 23 year olds! if we are to tell a story that even remotely attempts to explore the minutiae and consequence of what these characters are capable of, we simply cannot relegate ourselves to the realm of what is possible and/or acceptable in our reality. the whole point is that it’s not possible in our reality! it’s fiction! and the circumstance that June and Dirk find themselves in in gf2 does not resemble any real life circumstance that exists in the material world. yeah, transphobes in real life don’t have a point and they can get fucked. but if Dirk was like a texas neocon, if Rose was more explicitly TERFy, or if June hadn’t literally murdered her friends and then retconned it, would that be better for the story? like yeah, sure, a TERF would be an obvious villain, a texas neocon would be an obvious villain. despite all appearances i do in fact know how to write a trans character who is not hashtag problematic, i just don’t want to do that. i don’t want to write obvious villains. i don’t want to write obvious conflicts.

all of my favorite art sits balanced on a razor’s edge of some taboo or other, and stares you directly in the eyes and demands that you reckon with it for what it is. i like art that makes me uncomfortable, that pushes into weird difficult messy philosophical territory, because at least when it happens in fiction it doesn’t result in me becoming homeless. that’s the kind of fiction i want to write. and i know full well that we don’t live in an environment that is particularly friendly to that kind of fiction. right now everything in life feels like a mortal peril, all our rights as queer & working people are being slowly pulled back, our very bodies demonized, our youths tormented by cruel governments, so it’s natural i think to react to fiction flirting with this difficult territory in ambiguous terms the same way you would to this shit in real life. that’s the smaller circle in the bigger circle, get it? you’re correct in your acknowledgement of a problem, but the tumblr lens is one aggressively opposed to reading that problem in any terms other than outright dismissal and condemnation.

it’s a binaristic lens, you understand? it’s checking a work of art against an abstract scorecard on a pass-fail basis. and it leads to the elevation primarily of children’s media, which tends to be binaristic in its morals. and that’s not strictly bad! i love steven universe as much as the next gal. and it’s fine if someone doesn’t want to engage with more difficult media, i totally get it! sometimes i’m in the mood for garbage. i talk all kinds of shit about marvel movies but i fucking LOVE thor ragnarok. the thing is that when i talk shit about marvel movies i KNOW who i’m pushing back against and i know why. i can have my annoyances with writers, directors, actors, etc, but the real problem of the mcu is its ideology & its status as above all else a product for mass consumption, which is the problem of hollywood and the problem of america. virtually all american media is produced by a small handful of corporations who have unilateral control over what gets made and what doesn’t. the result is a media culture built around an ideology that TRIES SO HARD to make itself invisible because of course americans don’t want politics in their media. but the politics are there, because everything is political. and when every movie, tv show, and news broadcast tells you to be afraid of black people, to be afraid of trans women, to be afraid of russians, to be afraid of chinese, that gets us to now, that gets us to a culture that simply has not been given the tools to analyze media in any terms other than those dictated by the selfsame corporations that produce that media. so the tumblr lens, the social justice lens, it can identify a problem in a text but it always falls short when it tries to find a solution. and it falls short because it’s not materialist, it’s not based in any kind of class awareness or political dialectics. it’s not even really based in a particularly feminist politics! hell, the sjw keystone that is the bechdel test originates from a comic and artist that absolutely refuses the binaristic ideology that has led to its popularity.

a truly materialist critical analytic lens would understand that, like in activism, a diversity of tactics must be supported. you do not have to like the art made by every trans woman to understand that you have more in common with the most loathesome working class trans woman you’ve heard of than you do with anyone who has ever sat in a position of real political power in your lifetime. a materialist lens would understand that selling out the problematic in favor of the acceptable is the cutting off of one’s nose to spite their face. when you create an environment where the first thing an artist must consider is whether or not it tics all the right representational boxes, all you really do is put a chilling effect on subversive, difficult art. you don’t have to like subversive, difficult art. you don’t have to like that Dirk kind of has a point about June’s actions. but when you come to me with this criticism as though there’s anything i can do about it, as though i’ve somehow messed up, that doesn’t feel the same as other criticism to me. if you say “parts of chapter 8 are too long,” i can take that and use it as feedback in the future. if you say “i don’t like how little agency June had in gf3.1,” i can disagree and present my own case as to why lack of agency is such a persistent theme in godfeels, but i also understand that it’s a difficult story and that one can certainly get The Point while also not necessarily enjoying the experience. but when you say “this is bad because it looks bad in a real world political context,” i mean, god, what do i even DO with that? again, for the millionth time, you’re not telling me anything i don’t already know. i wrote it. i made you feel these emotions. i wanted you to feel these emotions. there is a reason i wanted you to feel these emotions. but they are, fundamentally, YOUR emotions, not mine. only you can understand them.

so sit with them. reflect on them. ask yourself why this part of the story makes you uncomfortable, why you feel compelled to read it the way you do. don’t worry, no one can read your mind. i mean it, anon. there’s no wrong answers here. what’s beautiful about fiction is that it lets us sit in uncomfortable, taboo emotions and events and situations without fear of retribution or judgment... unless, of course, you problematize the very existence of difficult art. unless you create an environment in which everyone is afraid to tell ambiguous stories of any stripe lest they be subject to a vicious harassment campaign. that’s the environment that ruthlessly attacked Isabel Fall over ‘i sexually identify as an attack helicopter.’ that’s an environment so shortsightedly, bloodthirstily fixated on whatever problematic thing they notice first that it is practically designed from the ground up to annihilate all outsider art and leave only the most corporate friendly pro-empire propaganda in its place.

to close out here (fucking finally lmao), you might say i’m putting words in your mouth here, but i’m just trying to follow your logic to its conclusion. if it is a strictly negative problem, a pure flaw in the work, that June can in some sense at least be partially blamed for the violence done to her, what do you suggest is the solution? in the event of a rewrite, what would you suggest i change? are you looking for an apology? an admission of guilt? maybe it’s something else, i don’t know. maybe you haven’t even thought that far ahead. i’m just asking you to understand that your criticism exists in a context that, whether you meant it this way or not, has a demonstrable chilling effect on the very art you claim to love. i get scared when i get criticism like this because it’s framed like an accusation. it’s framed like i did a crime, which implies the specter of punishment.

and trans women, as we know, are the favored whipping girls of social media harassment campaigns.

anyway, i hope that gives you a thing or two to chew on

[ootahime]

analyzing every gojohime moment in the manga p2

part 1 is here :3

this post includes more excruciatingly long paragraphs so grab urself something and enjoy LOL

chapter 40 

i know they’re not interacting in this panel but i still want to bring it up.  i’m gonna give some context to this scene in case someone needs to jog their memory.  so basically, mei’s ability to command crows is what allows the staff to observe the students from afar.  however, gojo notices that there’s lack of footage where yuuji is and asks mei why that’s so.  she tells him that they’re animals at the end of the day so she can’t control what they look at.  he doesn’t believe her so he asks her whose side she’s on (for yuuji’s execution vs against yuuji’s execution) to which she responds with, “whose side?  i’m on the side with money, of course.  there’s no value in something that can’t be bought since you can’t exchange that for money.”  in other words, she’ll always choose the side that offers her more money because she doesn’t care about how morally “correct” or “incorrect” something is.  it’s not worth fighting for a cause that doesn’t benefit her in the long run which is why she views things that are unable to be bought (friendships, relationships, favors) as useless - they can’t be exchanged for money.  it’s clear that gojo knows she’s not on his side because he replies with, “spoken from experience!” or “i wonder how much!” (translation varies).  he says it out loud to perhaps let gakuganji know that he’s onto him.  i find it interesting how utahime is in the panel as well with a “?” to express her confusion at his words.  let’s overthink dissect that.  why is she there in the first place? if the message was to let gakuganji know that gojo is aware of his ulterior motives then a panel with gakuganji and gojo would have sufficed.  why add utahime with a question mark? 

here’s a personal headcanon of mine that makes no absolute sense, but who cares? it makes me happy LOL.  so let’s examine the panel.  gojo’s face is more simplified and cartoonish with a grey background on top and some sort of white bubble surrounding the three characters.  gakuganji is staring at utahime and gojo.  in the official viz translation, he replies to mei with, “i wonder how much!”  

normal and logical explanation: shading the principal by asking out loud how much mei was paid by him to avoid monitoring yuuji.

gojohime brainrot explanation: 

mei: “there’s no value in something that can’t be bought since you can’t exchange that for money”

gojo: (in response) i wonder how much utahime’s love would cost if it did have a price.

utahime: ?

you’re probably thinking i’m delulu (true) BUT HEAR ME OUT.  IT WOULD SOMEWHAT MAKE SENSE IN THIS CONTEXT...

mei’s saying seems to be what she lives by.  relationships, love, friendships, etc. do not matter to her as this is evident when she ultimately abandons everyone in shibuya to escape to malaysia, selling all her stocks before japan’s economy goes down.  she doesn’t care about anyone else.  she even takes advantage of ui ui’s adoration for her.  she contrasts utahime.  utahime is loved by her students.  children, especially teenagers, are picky when it comes to choosing the adults they admire and respect.  while everyone trusts gojo, they do not respect him because of his childishness and overall absurdity.  it’s refreshing to see how they always call him an idiot or have a -_- face when he’s around.  when akutami says everyone absolutely adores utahime-sensei, it says a lot.  we haven’t seen her interact with her students all that much, but she’s obviously close to them because she’s frequently arguing with momo.  even a closed off person like mechamaru wanted to keep her away from danger.  she most certainly expresses a lot of concern and care for her students, and gojo and her students can pick up on this. 

i’ve talked about this in every post LOLOL but there’s a reason why he went to utahime first to help him investigate.  utahime is a loyal person through and through.  she would never do something that harms the students even if she was offered everything in the world.  she values relationships above everything else.  besides her concern for the students, how else was i able to come to this conclusion about her character?  well, she got shoko to stop smoking because she was worried about how it might damage her friend’s health.  from these two details, it’s obvious that she’s the complete opposite of mei.  

maybe that’s why he calls her weak.  she’s too selfless and compassionate in a world where every sorcerer is for themselves.  the world is cruel as a sorcerer.  no matter how hard you try to fight, in the end, you’ll always die alone.  remember his talk with megumi after the baseball game?  after witnessing megumi pull a sacrificial bunt to help his teammates advance, gojo has a talk with megumi about his attitude and potential.  he says that being selfless and caring about others is not a bad thing, but in a world like this, where people always die alone, he is wasting his potential by being concerned with others.  it’s okay to be selfish.  this is why we see fierce independence in a lot of the sorcerers like mei, nanami, and gojo.  they each have their own reasons as to why they work alone, but it’s still a common characteristic.  i feel like utahime doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body.  i speculate that her selflessness is the exact reason why she is being held back.  during her mission to exorcise a grade 1 spirit by herself, the final task before being promoted to grade 1, she likely got distracted trying to help civilians out of danger and failed her mission.  he’s right when he says she doesn’t have the guts to be the traitor, utahime doesn’t have it in her to do something so boldly solely for her own benefit.  

after this long tangent, how does this relate to your headcanon, ootahime?  

as you know, love is not transactional.  you can’t pay someone to love you.  what if gojo is asking himself how much it would cost to buy her love.  hence, her confusion because she is oblivious to what he really means.  it could be probable because gakuganji is observing not only gojo, but utahime as well.  so what gojo says must involve her too, right?  

or she could just be confused because his words seem out of place because she is unaware of what gakuganji is doing behind everyone’s back.  that explanation makes sense for viz’s official translation but it doesn’t make sense when he says, “spoken from experience!” because his words make sense in that context.  he’s basically saying that mei’s beliefs must be based on her past experiences so he understands why she feels this way.  that’s an appropriate response to mei’s statement so i don’t see why utahime would be confused by this.  unless i’m interpreting this whole scene completely wrong.  in that case, whoopsies!  

let me know if you’re confused because i’m willing to clarify.  idk why but i found this really difficult to explain.  maybe because i’m reaching so hard haha

chapter 40

he finds any way he can to tease her.  they seem like a married couple watching a movie or something.  does he take pride in being the only person she doesn’t get along with?  i mean, she says it herself so he is aware she thinks he’s annoying, but he keeps picking on her anyway.  he doesn’t even pick on his enemies this much LMAOOO i think the only other person he likes to make fun of is gakuganji but he does so because he doesn’t agree with his views.  with utahime it’s different.  he trusts her a lot and even looks out for her.  

chapter 44

why are there two separate instances of gakuganji observing utahime and gojo’s interactions from afar?  nah i’m just playing.  he’s just looking because he’s concerned she’ll run into the semi-grade 1 curse he had for yuuji.  OKAY BUT I NOTICED SOMETHING KINDA CUTE?  whenever utahime says something suddenly, he always has those 3 little triangles near his head.  it’s like he’s thinking, “oh!  utahime is speaking, i must listen <3″  look at his face too.  he’s looking at her like :O

this is also an example of her showcasing her concern for the students in front of gojo.  i feel like he questions why she’s so caring because if it were him, he would have left the student to figure it out themselves.  i really wonder how she would react if he answered her truthfully when she asked what he’d do if she were the traitor.  

chapter 45

there’s not much to say here...they’re just cute.  i know it’ll never happen but i’d like to see them fight side by side one day.  i’m aware that gojo works best alone but i just want to see how they’d work together, okay? 😔

chapter 45

see the little triangles on his head again?  UGH SO CUTE.  

chapter 45

IS THIS NOT INTENTIONAL???  they share the same thoughts.  he even finished her thought.  mannnnnnnnnnnnn what is akutami doing?  giving us false hope and stripping it away just for fun?  making them work so well together for what??

chapter 52

cute how he looks out for her.  i have nothing more to say LOL

chapter 53

notice how they’re sitting across from each other?  HEHE

chapter 53

yet another instance of her caring for her students in front of gojo.  in the anime she has the cutest expression when she says she’s glad the students are safe.  i bet gojo saw that too.  i also bet that she looks prettier from his point of view.

extra

from the manga and light novels, gojo and utahime are the ones that talk about sports the most.  he most definitely chose baseball to cheer her up.  it’s not a coincidence people!  

--

i feel like i had a lot more to say but i completely lost my train of thought while writing this, especially with chapter 40. i’m once again writing this at 4 in the morning LOL........  please please please add on or share your thoughts!  thank you for reading and sorry for any mistakes.  

[catgrassplantdad]

There are few fictional relationships that make me feel more unhinged than Mickey & Terry. And I’m sure it’s been dissected to death, but I think about their confrontation at the beginning of 10x11 a lot and it makes me feel extremely. So here I am to talk about why. CW: abuse and homophobia below the cut (I mean, it’s Terry).

I don’t think I need to give a history lesson here, but the abuse and violence Mickey endured by Terry’s hand unfortunately shaped a lot of Mickey’s life. Mickey didn’t take forever to be comfortable and open with Ian because he wanted to, he didn’t marry a woman because he wanted to, he didn’t live a lie for so long because he wanted to. This all happened because he actually, literally feared for his life. Additionally, there was the complicated fact of him starving and striving for his abuser’s approval. He wanted more than just bodily safety; he wanted to be in good standing with Terry. This is despite enduring what he described as torture. Terry “tortured [him] every day for years,” and yet he still desired a relationship with him. This happens sometimes in abusive relationships, it’s definitely not unusual that he felt that way. But it’s still hard to watch, knowing about their background and knowing that Mickey was aware of what Terry was capable of.

Mickey knowing what Terry was capable of is precisely why their interaction at the beginning of 10x11 made me go “yooooo” out loud at my TV at the end of the scene. I had to pause it, my eyes were bugging out of my head, I had to let it sink in, etc. etc. It really struck me hard. Mickey heard Terry shouting slurs at him from outside on the damn sidewalk where anyone could hear, and he put on an unamused look and stepped outside and walked right up to him. Terry pulled out a gun, and Mickey did not even flinch and instead pulled out one of his own. He listened to his father berate and then threaten him, and instead of backing down he proceeded to do the opposite of what he had done his whole life and deliberately said shit that would piss Terry off. And on top of it, he then went back into the house and started planning his big gay wedding with specific details designed to make Terry mad. He wanted to rub his happiness, his gay love, in that prick’s face. And he begins this endeavor with that line “I definitely love one.”

There’s an important detail in that exchange (“You must really love cock.” “I definitely love one.”) that is what ultimately elevates this scene from merely insanity-inducing to "Jessie will never be normal about this ever in their entire life," and that’s Mickey’s wording. It’s such a good comeback and it hits so hard, but it’s important that it also hits Terry hard. And it does, because he used language that Terry understood. I think if he had phrased it differently by saying something like “I just love Ian” or “I’m just in love” or something similar, it wouldn’t have landed the same with Terry. Terry had taken Mickey’s gayness and reduced it to something so base and vulgar because he hates gay people and doesn’t care to know shit about the gay experience. And instead of throwing his gay love in Terry’s face by using language that’s less horrendously offensive, Mickey fucking embraces it. Mickey takes Terry’s words and twists them to suit himself and throws them back at him. Mickey’s gay and he loves cock, and he definitely loves his partner’s cock. You know, his partner? Who he’s in love with? And gonna marry? Because the gay experience isn’t just about sex? Mickey’s not getting married because he wants to get fucked, he’s getting married because he’s in love. Terry doesn’t give a shit about all that and Mickey knows this, so his comeback utilizes language that Terry can wrap his head around, but he still manages to convey the fact that he’s in fucking love with one person. It’s affirmation and ownership and it is so badass. Terry was actively trying to be cruel and Mickey threw back at him in one of the most elegant comebacks I have ever seen. And yeah, we know Mickey is capable of being vulgar as hell, so it’s not like saying something like this is particularly out of character for him anyway. It just worked so damn well in accomplishing the goal of getting Terry to shut the fuck up while conveying to Terry and the audience that he’s in love and willing to engage in risky behavior to defend it.

I mean, he was doing all this with a gun in his face. Terry wanted him to feel fear, he wanted him to feel threatened because he genuinely thought that Mickey deserved to experience violence, and he wanted him to feel ashamed. But Mickey decided years ago that he was done feeling fucking ashamed, and he was so accustomed to Terry’s violent behavior. So whether he stood up to him with a gun in his face because he was desensitized to Terry’s violence or because he just decided to be brave and ignore whatever fear he may have been feeling in that moment, either reason speaks volumes. If he did it because he was desensitized to Terry’s violence then that really speaks to the tragedy of his upbringing. If he did it because he just decided to be brave in that moment then that speaks to just how much he was willing to risk for his principles. Either way, he could’ve ended up dead. We know this because Terry does end up trying to shoot him in the end. And yes, Mickey had his gun aimed at Terry, but I don’t know if I think he’d actually shoot him and I think his actions towards Terry in season 11 may speak to that. But Terry would shoot. And he does shoot later on. Again, he knew what Terry is capable of. And he stood up to him anyway and it was amazing to watch. Mickey used to be so afraid of Terry that he feared for his life while vying for approval. He used to live in a way that was the very antithesis of what he actually wanted for himself, just for his piece of shit father. And in this scene he shows us just how far removed he is from that fearful kid now, openly in love with his partner and standing up to his father in a way that will expressly make him angry about his gayness specifically, the thing that he was so tortured over in his youth. Tortured because he was hiding out of fear and the internal conflict that he experienced because of that, and then physically and emotionally tortured by his father once he’s found out. That abuse may have shaped his past, but he was ready to move the fuck on and not let it define his future. So this scene is just unreal. A neat little package of character and relationship/dynamic development in a little 70-second scene that packs an enormous punch.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 300: Days of Our Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: Hawks was all “hey Jeanist, wanna go on a road trip with me to my mom’s house?” Jeanist was all “you know it,” and so they hopped into Jeanist’s jercedes and took off. Hawks took a nap and had a flashback to his Dickensian childhood living in a abject poverty with his jerk mom and jerk dad, thinking heroes were make-believe until one day Endeavor arrested his dad and Baby Hawks was all “OH SHIT.” And then he saved a bunch of people, and the HPSC was all “what do we have here,” and blah blah blah, you know the rest. Back in the present, Hawks was all “well my life is currently in shambles, but on the plus side there’s no one bossing me around anymore so that’s pretty cool,” and then decided he was going to talk to Endeavor. Fandom was all “I can’t believe Hawks would side with his childhood hero over the man who burned his wings off and posted a video calling him a violent murderer who took after his abusive dad,” so that was fun and stuff. I can’t wait to see what piping fresh takes this new chapter will bring.

Today on BnHA: Our old friend Carbonation Carl tries to loot a Starbucks and gets his ass kicked by a senior citizen. Society is all “YEAH, WE’RE REALLY STARTING TO GET SICK OF THIS SHIT.” Old Man Samurai is all “this room won’t stop me because I can’t read it” and abruptly decides to retire, which, fun fact, is literally THE LEAST HELPFUL THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. Anyway so then a bunch of other punkasses follow suit, and while I won’t say that I’m actually starting to root for Stain to kill some peeps, just for the record I’m not not saying that either. Back in the hospital, Endeavor cries some tears because his life sucks, and then is confronted by his entire family, LED BY QUEEN REI, FIRST OF HER NAME, BACK IN BUSINESS AND LARGE AND IN CHARGE. Rei is all “fuck feeling sorry for yourself, we have a rogue Murder Son on the loose” and I swear to god I have never felt so alive.

so here we go! and just for the record, even though the last two chapters have been phenomenal, I don’t necessarily have any sky-high expectations for chapter 300, mostly because chapters 100 and 200 consisted of Mei Boobs, and Toadette and her horrific quirk lmao. so go ahead Horikoshi, what are you gonna pull out of your hat for this one

oh, back to this stuff again. sob

I guess there was only so much time we could spend having hospital antics and exploring Hawks’s past before we got back to dealing with the whole “the world has gone to absolute shit” issue huh, lol

omg

what’s with these bizarrely cute Noumus. why do I want to pet them

so the narrative text is going on about how people have been super paranoid about the Noumu ever since the USJ incident a year ago. so yeah, I guess the fact that there are now a bunch of them confirmed to be running around is really freaking people out even on top of everything else

wtf is happening here

what did this poor lil glass ever do to anyone. r.i.p.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

SODA SAM IS BACK ON THE LAM

tsk tsk tsk. my man has graduated from snatching purses to raiding cafes. going after that big money. this man has no business sense whatsoever lmao

OH BUT WATCH IT NOW!!

OH SNAP THE PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING BACK. WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW SAM

THIS MAN IS 172 YEARS OLD AND HE’S NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES!!

WTF IS HE LIGHTING THIS THING ON FIRE OR SOME SHIT. GETTEM GRANDPA YEAHHHH HE’S CHARGING AT EM YEAHHHHHH

lmao so that was fun. and now we’re cutting to Wash!! omg. look at him

he’s so dedicated. too bad you don’t have a car like Best Jeanist. probably takes a while when you’re just running everywhere

you see?? you were too slow!!

NOOOO, GRANDPA. he defeated Pepsi Pete, but lost his life in the process. this is too tragic

anyway so the good news is that the cafe has been saved! but the bad news is, there really isn’t much of a cafe left. huh. I guess that’s one of the reasons why people are supposed to get a license to use their quirks like this

oh snap and now everyone is coming outside, and they’re none too happy to see poor old Wash over here

seriously Wash, get a bicycle or something. also the way this guy is gesturing so dramatically with his hand in this sort of “YOU SEE!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!” manner is sending me

OH MY GOD

HE SPEAKS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. IT MEANS JEANS PUNS ARE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, FOLKS!! MAKE WAY FOR THE LAUNDRY PUNS. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THIS ALL... UNFOLD

“the heroes had dwindled away” okay real talk you guys, it is literally only a matter of time before they press-gang the children into picking up their slack. I still don’t know how to feel about that, but it is happening one way or the other regardless. Child Soldiers 2 Electric Boogaloo. wonder if we’ll see a rise in vigilante action as well

OHO WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS A CHAPTER OF GRANDPAS HUH

-- no fucking way

WOW. WOW. WOWWWWWW

wow. so he didn’t do a fucking thing while the rest of the top ten were being turned into red mist in the previous arc, and now that it’s all over and they need his help more than ever, he decides... THAT IT’S TIME TO RETIRE. holy shit. “fuck you” doesn’t even begin to cover it my guy. you stand there and soak up those boos you coward

ohhhhhhh shiiiiit you guys. oh shit

the “I am not here” breaks my fucking heart for real though y’all. oh man. everything he worked for is gone just like that

(ETA: okay so a couple of the takes I’ve seen on this make it seem like All Might is somehow the bad guy here?? “this is what happens when society puts a bunch of glorified cops on a pedestal”, “finally the cracks in hero society are showing”, etc. etc. so, just a friendly reminder that this isn’t happening because of too much trust and a lack of critical thinking; this is happening because the villains killed all the heroes and broke a bunch of murderers out of jail. it’s happening because an organized league of terrorists succeeded in terrorizing, and so society is now understandably awash in fear and panic. like, it’s just wild to me that AFO is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and yet week after week fandom still has their “IT’S ALL THE HEROES’ FAULT” signs still up on their lawns. BUT WHATEVER, MOVING ON.)

also though, so exactly how much time is passing here now? I wanted to go straight back to the hospital and see what happens with Deku and the Todorokis. please don’t tell me we’re jumping ahead sob. my aaaaangst

OH SHIT

STAIN. LISTEN UP BUDDY. I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, AND I STILL DESPISE YOU FOR CRIPPLING TENSEI AND TRYING TO KILL MY BEST BOY TENYA. BUT AS IT HAPPENS, THERE ARE ONE OR TWO OTHER HEROES OUT THERE NOW WHO I WOULDN’T MIND YOU PAYING A VISIT I’M JUST SAYING

LOL BUT IT ACTUALLY ISN’T THIS MAN, FFFFFF

sob. yeah I was talking about Old Man Samurai actually but YEAH. HEY THERE ENJI

also is this entire hospital actually run by characters from Super Mario Bros though. first Yoshi and now this guy, come the fuck on that is not a coincidence

lmao they stuck him in another one of these cavernous creepy hospital rooms

wtf is it with Horikoshi and these giant fucking rooms lately. Kacchan’s in chapter 298, then Tomie’s colossal house furnished with like one table and a TV, and now this. and the weirdest thing about it though is that “huge space with nothing to fill it up” is like the exact opposite of what you’ll usually find in Japanese homes lol

so now Enji is just sitting there thinking things like “my head is fuzzy” and “I’m alive” lmao okay. not quite all there yet, huh. I’ll give you a minute

I’m so fucking curious as to who his first visitor is going to be omg. either way it’s going to be interesting af, and either way fandom is probably going to feel some way about it but OH WELL

okay now his thoughts are getting more coherent! and he’s remembering Touya, and feeling regret for freezing up and forcing Shouto to deal with everything instead

!!! OH HERE GOES BRACE YOURSELVES Y’ALL IT’S ABOUT TO GET SPICY

NO TOUYA PLEASE DON’T CRY HONEY NO PLEASE

ohhhhhhh man

okay, I mean I didn’t expect you to, but so instead then you’re just going to do... what? lie there and wallow in regret and self-pity for the rest of your life? son you know that’s not how we deal with our problems here in Shounen

though also, I totally do get it though. honestly, thinking on it, I probably would have been disappointed with any other response. but so this is where the rest of his family (including his adopted son) come into play now though, because like it or not they’re all in this thing together. and so friends, I am once again asking you WHO IS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO VISIT ENJI FIRST

AHHHHHHH

KRANCH!!!! OMG AND THE OTHERS ARE SO TINY NEXT TO HIM THAT I ALMOST DIDN’T SEE THEM AT FIRST. IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TWENTY MILES AWAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGULATION HOCKEY RINK OF A ROOM

holy shit I’m so excited lkjlklhlglkasdsjldfk

SDKFJLSKHLKJL

the way she has him by his collar lmaoooo. “lol nah you’re not going anywhere pal.” damn straight, siblings have to be ride or die in situations like this. banding together for survival. strength in numbers

OH MY STARS I’M JUST WARNING YOU NOW THAT I’M ABOUT TO DISSECT EVERY LAST REMAINING PANEL OF THIS CHAPTER PROBABLY YOU GUYS. WE COULD BE HERE A WHILE

love how Fuyu has absolutely no idea how to segue into THE SINGLE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION SHE’S EVER HAD, so she just GOES FOR IT in pure small talk mode like they’re meeting up for brunch somewhere

I KNOW IT’S A SMALL THING, BUT I APPRECIATE THAT THE FIRST THING ENJI ASKS IS WHETHER THEY’RE OKAY

lastly while I can’t wait for more of this delicious Natsu angst, I also just have to say that Enji has as much reason to cry right now as anyone on the planet. you can’t deny that being confronted by your not-dead-but-you-thought-he-was-dead son who’s all “SURPRISE DAD I GREW UP TO BE A MASS MURDERER AND I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND NOW I’M GONNA MAIM YOUR OTHER KID” with a side order of “EVERYONE HATES YOU AND SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD EVER AGAIN” is enough to bum pretty much anyone out. there’s a Pagliacci the Clown joke here somewhere. BUT DOCTOR, I AM THE NUMBER ONE HERO

oh man lol he is seriously falling apart

damn. like you guys, I’m sorry, go ahead and cancel me, but I do feel compassion for the man. it’s therapeutic for me to see an abuser actually feel remorse and be truly sorry and want to change and want to make it up to his family. and it’s also compelling as fuck to read a narrative about a family that’s trying to grapple with that, because let me tell you straight up, as someone who’s done a version of that song and dance -- it is exhausting. it is a piping hot mess. it’s a gigantic mishmosh of extremely volatile emotions that all somehow all contradict one another. love, hurt, hope, anger, betrayal, resentment, attachment, longing. it’s something you can both be desperate for and also want nothing at all to do with. and attempting to portray all of that and write about it is a monumental task, and one which Horikoshi has done so, so delicately thus far, and damn but I appreciate it. anyway, so I’m here and I’m ready for my latest helping of Todoroki Fam Feels you guys

GASP

oh man. OHMANOHMANOHMAN. CAN IT REALLY BE. IS THIS THE REDEMPTION ARC OF CHAPTERS 100 AND 200???

LMAO SHE’S ALL “WE ALL FEEL BAD YOU JACKASS STOP CRYING ABOUT IT”

LAY INTO HIM REI!! SORRY ENJI YOUR PITY PARTY HAS BEEN CANCELLED IN FAVOR OF A “SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT” PARTY COURTESY OF QUEEN ELSA OVER HERE. THE PEOPLE TOOK A VOTE AND WE WANT LESS WHINING AND MORE ACTION

oh my god look at this lady folks

NOTE THE HAIR BLOWING IN THE NONEXISTENT WIND. NOW WE KNOW WHERE SHOUTO GOT THIS POWER FROM

(ETA: btw guys, seeing Rei handle this crisis like an absolute champ despite everything she’s been through is everything, though. I’m reminded of Hawks’s line last week about people sometimes unexpectedly finding liberation when they’re backed into a corner. like things may be shit but goddammit her kiddos need her.)

THE CHAPTER IS ALREADY ENDING SOB, IT’S ONLY A 17-PAGER THIS WEEK, BUT GODDAMN WHAT A WAY TO CLOSE

oh my god. oh my god oh my god. AND FUCK YOU HORIKOSHI FOR CUTTING IT OFF THERE sob. it’s like each week the wait for the next chapter becomes more painful. the Todofam is about to get real, and on top of that Hawks is gonna crash the party at some point down the line, and on top of that we’re still waiting for Kacchan to have his own heartfelt discussion about What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Next with his best friend who’s currently in a coma. all I want to do with my life is read about these three things, and all I can do is simply wait as they are portioned out in agonizing, addicting little installments every week

anyway! tune in next time as we answer the question of whether or not fandom will finally run its train of logic all the way through to its natural conclusion and somehow manage to cancel Noted Abuse Apologist Todoroki Fucking Rei. don’t act like it can’t happen. you all know nothing is sacred lol. anyways but I’m ready for anything lol, bring it