#anyway i hope you've had a great week so far and that your weekend will be even better 💜

[pharawee]

drop this sunflower 🌻 into the inboxes of the blogs that make you happy! let's spread some sunshine ☀️

Oh nooo, this was swallowed by my asks and I only just saw. 😭😭

This calls for an emergency hug.

Thank you so much for the sunflower and for brightening my day! 💜💜💜

[lizhrs]

Could you do a high school bullies version with Levi, Eren, or Jean pls?

a/n: I was going to make high school bully levi but the thought of captain levi being an immature tyrant towards poor cadet y/n was too good to ignore so my bad

warnings: non/dubcon, bullying, physical abuse

EREN + JEAN

They rule the school halls. Everyone sees them as the perfect duo. Guys try desperately to be them, girls want to be under them and even teachers will do anything to appease them.

It's nauseating, the contrast of how everyone views them versus how you see them. The way you know they are. They're not godly saints, or this generation's future with their good looks and charms. No they're something that follows you constantly, haunts you and pushes you to limits you didn't even know existed.

They're tyrants.

Always pushing and pulling and dragging you every which way like a rag doll. Knocking you into the walls, stealing your lunch money and homework like a bunch of children. Standing over you every chance they get, like they're entitled to every aspect of your life.

Take now for example, Eren is leaning against your shoulder, hands clenching the back of your chair as he stares at your phone.

You're usually more aware of your surroundings, unfortunately due to the many years of hell he and lackey have put you through but you were too engrossed in your texting to hear his booming footsteps making their way towards you. "Who are you texting?" He asks causally, hot air hitting your shoulder.

Your fingers clench around your small device, remembering the last time he saw something on your phone he didn't like, how he smashed the small object into a million pieces. It took you nearly a year to save up money for a new one. "No one."

He's taking it out of your hand before you can stop it, not that you had the guts to anyway. "You're going to a party tonight?" He hums, shamelessly reading your messages. "That's very new of you." He smirks.

"Give it back." You mutter, hating how weak you sound.

"How can you do my homework if you're gonna spend the night partying like a loose slut?"

Your cringe at the words. "I have the entire weekend to do it..."

He stares into you, those strikingly icy eyes that have been the cause of too many nightmares to count digging into your soul. "I should go with you, just to keep you on your feet."

"W-what? No!"

It's your friend's party. He graduated a few months ago and invited you to a college kegger and usually you would've said no but after the horrible week you've been through, getting drunk was a great way to start your weekend. It's out of town so you would've been away from Eren for a few hours which is all you can ask for.

"I don't remember asking." He's typing. Probably texting himself the address on your phone like the prick he is.

You grab the device before you can think, snatching it away. "You're not going, don't you harass me enough?" You grab your bag, quickly walking away from the table before he can make you regret your actions but of course you don't make it very far.

You slam into a chest and the way hair instantly rises on your skin tells you immediately who it is. Your hands dig into the strap of your backpack as you slowly look up, Jean's taunting eyes stare back at you. "Are you already running away from us babe?" He coos. "The day has just ended."

Of course, you should've known. They spent the entire school day ignoring you, a usual sign they're going to make up for it once that final bell rings. You should've just ran home instead of cooping up in this library.

"J-just let me—" Fingers are grabbing your hair from behind, yanking and pushing you into the wall. You wince as your shoulder hits it, hoping the librarian will come back from her break soon...not that she would do anything to help.

"You don't tell us what to do y/n. You should know this by now." Eren smiles as Jean slings an arm around his shoulder, both laughing as if this situation is hysterical.

"I-I'll do your homework Eren, just let me—"

He rolls his eyes. In front of you in a flash as he pushes his knee between your thighs. Your eyes widen at his brazen actions, instantly squirming to get out of his grip. He's been brass before, touching and teasing you as he pleases but you never get used to it. You doubt it's something anyone can really get used to. His palm rests on the space next to your head, breath fanning over your lips due to how close he is.

"You talk way too much." His finger slowly trails down your cheek before softly gripping your chin. You crane your neck to the side, cringing at his callous fingers touching you, digging into your uniform.

Jean's closer too, hands in his pocket as he watches the scene in front of him, always having that mischievous grin on his face whenever Eren plays with their favorite toy.

It's sickening.

"You can do that later pretty, right now we need your full attention." Jean whispers in your ear. "Can you do that for us?"

They follow you home.

Both walk behind you like a pair of pesky mutts, laughing and talking to each other as they watch you grip your books to your chest, trying not to have a full blown panic attack as you get closer to where you live.

You reach the trailer in the next thirty seconds, swallowing a lump in your throat as you look back at them. "G-goodbye."

Jean laughs, throwing his head back. "You think we came all the way here just to leave?"

Your teeth dig into your cheek, tearing it a little bit. The pain is nothing compared to the knots twisting in your stomach right now. "W-what, you can't come in." You whisper, knowing it's futile.

No one would help even if you screamed bloody murder. Your trailer is inconveniently parked in a neighborhood that could care less about others, too busy trying to pay bills and not starve. And they know that. They know your mother won't be home until midnight due to picking up double shifts at the diner and even then, she could spend the night at her boyfriends. They know everything about you and it's frustrating.

"You can't come in." You say again, seeing the looks on their faces. You turn around, running towards the trailer and opening the door.

Eren is behind you just as you're about to slam it shut, palm slamming against the door as he pushes it open. "You are so dramatic." He rolls his eyes, stepping in.

He grimaces at the dirt on his palm."Jesus, y/n would it kill you to clean every once in a while?" He wipes the grim on your uniform, hands shamelessly touching your breasts.

You gasp, taking a step back. Jean walks in, closing the door behind him. He snorts as he looks around. "The inside is just as shitty as the outside."

They've walked you home numerous times, taunting and harassing you every second of the walk. But they've never gone inside of your house...the fact you're alone with these psychos is settling in, tears gathering in your eyes. "What do you guys want?"

"Can't we just hang out? We have been friends for years after all."

Friends.

The turmoil in your head and bruises littering your skin beg to differ.

"You have any food?" Jean is opening your fridge before you can say anything. Thankfully, it's empty. It would be worse if the asshole ate the scarce food your mother leaves every blue moon.

"How can you live like this y/n?" Eren asks, tsking at the stray gallon of milk in the fridge. "You should be happy you have us."

"Happy?" You scoff.

"Here we are, walking you home to this pigsty of a neighborhood so you don't get hurt and all you can do is stare at us like that." He feigns hurt, hand over his chest. "It really stings."

"You're delusional." You want to walk to your room, take a nap and forget about this horrible day but to turn your back on them for even a second is a disaster waiting to happen.

"When's the party starting?" Jean asks, sitting on a stool.

Of course he told him.

"I'm not going anymore. So you guys can leave now."

"Of course we're going. Our first party together." Eren plops down on the couch. "Come watch a movie with us, pet."

You roll your eyes but grudgingly walk over, fearing for what will happen if you refuse. You sit as far away from him as possible, nails digging into your thighs as he turns on the television.

Jean unexpectedly sits next to you, startling you as your shoulders touch. You quickly scoot away which just puts you closer to Eren. You're trapped.

"Didn't know you liked me so much?" Eren chuckles, swinging an arm around your shoulders, bringing you closer.

"Don't touch me!" You scream, voice shocking you more than them. Your palms are bleeding now, small cuts now visible. Your eyes widen, frantically shaking your head as you try and force out an apology.

But it's too late.

The patience he's uncharacteristically had for you all day has finally vanished as he grabs your chin, harshly forcing you to look into those dark eyes. His flip in personality is eerie, one minute a playful bully and the next resembling a full-blown sociopath.

"Why are you being so mean y/n?" He sighs, nails digging into your chin. You cry out, tears falling onto your thighs.

"I'm s-sorry." You hiccuped, shaking at the change in the atmosphere. Things always got worse when he was angry, even Jean couldn't control the brunette when he was in one of his fits and you couldn't handle that tonight.

"It's okay." He smiles, after a few seconds of silence. You blink through the tears, confusion evident in your eyes but his lips are on yours before you can question anything.

You gasp at the action, his hand softly resting against your throat as he pushes you back against the couch, lips devouring yours. What?

He's never...ever kissed you before. You can handle the insults and the hits and the unwanted touches but this is a whole new territory. You shake your head, attempting to get away but Jean holds your wrist down like the loyal pet he is. "Calm down, we're not going to hurt you." He says like that is any comfort with the way Eren's lips are trailing down your neck.

"Jean...please." You plead, trembling. You don't know why you did, maybe because a part of you knows he's not as brazen as Eren, as deranged. But he would still do anything the other asked of him.

"Fuck, you're so hot when you beg." Eren pulls away, sharp canines grinning at the sight of you.

He's called you many things but that has certainly never been one of them.

His fingers slowly go under your skirt, eliciting another scream from you. “Stop Eren! You’re fucking crazy!”

He kneels down. “After everything you’ve done to me, this is the least you can offer me y/n.”

“Done to you? I haven’t done anything to you!”

“Of course you have.” His hand grips your thigh. “From fucking day one when I saw you on that playground with that pathetic tattered dress. You were so dirty, like a fucking dog and somehow.” He laughs mirthlessly. “Thought you were better than me.”

You sob as his fingers latch around the ribbon on your underwear, pulling and tearing the cheap fabric in half. “I never—never did that.” You cry, trying to kick him away.

“Of course you did.” He counters. “Smiling at everyone but me, being friendly with nearly every loser in our class but me. Acting as if I was some monster.”

“You are.” You grit through your teeth, glaring at him. “You’ve always been the pathetic one here Eren. You think you’re so much better than everyone when in reality you’re the worst of them all.” You sniff.

He hums, spreading your thighs apart and pulling you closer. “I am better than everyone, love.” Is all he says before a hot, eager tongue drags along your slit.

The severity of this situation dawns on you as more sobs leave your lips. You’re stuck in here with them with no one to care about your weak protests and screams. These bastards can do anything to you and no one cares.

“I hate you!” You kick and writhe and struggle but both of their strong hands hold you down.

This only seems to spur him on as he sucks at your sensitive clit, lapping up the mess he’s making of you. The shame is almost too much to handle as you drip onto the cushions, nails digging into the sofa as you try and hold in the noises that are begging to be let out.

He’s merciless. The pleasure is aggressive as he drinks you down like a mad man, stretching you open with his tongue as his finger thumbs at your clit. You couldn’t help as your hips followed the movement of his tongue, lifting up and down the couch as you tried to contain the shameful pleasure brimming inside of you. He was finding new places to abuse, places you’ve never even thought of touching and it was driving you insane.

“Eren…” You moan, instantly biting down on your tongue.

He laughs, pulling away only to replace his tongue with two fingers. “Ah!” You arch your head into the sofa as he curls them, coating them in slick. He scissors them inside of you all while his thumb is rubbing harshly against your clit. It’s too much, your body reacting to his ministrations no matter how much you don’t want it to. The aching fire in your core grows and grows until you’re heaving, tears streaming down your cheeks and it’s not long until you’re releasing all over his fingers and onto the cushions.

He pulls away, standing up as he looks down at his fingers, a malicious grin on his face. “You’re so fucking cute.” He whispers, staring at you with a look you’ve never seen in those eyes before. Like you’re a priceless treasure, like you’re his. He looks completely infatuated, obsessed.

You cringe as he brings the fingers closer to your face. “Lick it off.”

You furrow your eyebrows, “Fuck you.” The tears are still falling and you wonder how long until you pass out from the amount of crying you’ve been doing all day.

He rolls his eyes, forcing his fingers into your mouth and making you taste yourself. You cringe, instantly pulling away. “Get off!”

He stares at you like this is a simple tantrum and you need to be disciplined, like he didn’t just assault you. He’s about to say something but the ringing of his phone thankfully saves him. He sighs, staring at the device before groaning and walking away. “I’ll be back.” He disappears down the hallway.

Further inside your house.

You sniff, wiping the tears away and closing your legs. You can barely breathe. Jean finally speaks up, voice sounding like nails on a board. “It was probably important. To have him run off like that.” He says casually.

You don’t say anything. Eyes staring at nothing as you try and process what just happened…what will probably happen next. “Why are you doing this to me…” You whisper.

Jean is silent for a minute before sighing. “Because Eren always gets what he wants. And he’s wanted you for a long time.” He doesn’t sound all too happy about those supposed facts.

You clench your jaw. You’re expected to believe all these years of bullying was due to you never returning Eren’s feelings? Feelings he never made clear in the first place. You were terrified of him when you saw the other for the first time. He was brash and rude and loud, everything you hated and even then you tried to be friendly with him, no matter how insincere you were. Why is he acting like you kicked sand in his lunch box?

“I hate you both.” You grit through teeth. You ponder if you can run out the door fast enough but even then…they would find you the next day and the punishment would probably be worse.

“You seemed to be enjoying that.”

“Fuck off.”

Jean gets closer, tilting his head to get a better view of you. “You say you hate him but it didn’t seem like that. It never seemed like that.”

“W-what?”

“You were always attracted to him, weren’t you? Just too afraid to ever do something about it…you’ve never looked at me the way you look at him.” He mutters, like you’ve done him some great injustice. “Not even once.”

“Don’t worry, I hate you both equally.” You finally muster the words up. Especially after tonight.

Jean huffs as he grabs your wrist to which you immediately pull away as if he burned you and the action is enough to have clenching his jaw, eyes darkening. “I’ve been so patient.” He murmurs, the words almost sounding like a plea.

“So patient with you and him but he…” He runs his fingers through his hair. “He wasn’t supposed to do that. At least not yet.”

You back away, trying to stand on your shaking legs but he grabs you. “It was supposed to be me. It’s supposed to be only me who gets to make you feel that way y/n.” He stands up, hands clenched into fists.

“You were supposed to be mine only.”

The words only make you nauseous. You were wrong, they’re both equally insane, equally deranged. You need to get out of here, need to go to the police and have them both locked up for their sick perversions.

Footsteps have you both tensing up, slowly looking towards the hallway to see Eren coming back. He laughs, shoulders shaking as he walks over. He doesn’t look angry but then again, he can switch his emotions in a second.

Jean looks almost scared, not bothering to say anything even as Eren mockingly pinches his cheek. “Jean, don’t be so selfish.” He puts an arm around his shoulder, leering at you. Both looking like sick predators.

“We can always share her.”

LEVI

Life in the Survey Corps is disastrous enough without constant berating and belittling from someone who's supposed to be encouraging you.

And if not encouragement, then at least not outright bullying from the Captain.

You don't know what it is but from day one, he's held a strong sense of...well you don't want to say hatred but as the weeks go by of your training, it seems like he would rather have you six feet under than learning from him.

From the moment he saw your expensive clothing and fancy shoes, he had decided then and there you were a no good rich girl who only wanted to join because of some half assed rebellion you were having. And that pissed you off. You didn't join because you wanted to rebel against your parents nor because of guilt of having more luxurious amenities than your fellow cadets. You wanted to fight for your home and people.

But he had made up his mind about you and well fine, you could live with him not respecting you but to go out of his way every time his demeaning eyes landed on you was proving to be too much.

Take now for example.

Back in your prestigious academy, you were top of your class, being graced with renowned resources that your fellow Outer Wall cadets have never even heard of but here it seems you were a fish out of water. Especially with him staring at you like you were nothing but dirt under his shoes.

To be skilled at 3DMG you needed flexibility, a sense of determination. Boldness you simply don't have when Levi is standing a few feet away from you, already having made up his mind that you suck at this before you even get into the gear.

But it seems he was right as you struggle to remember the demonstrations shown to you just a few minutes ago. You kick and lash and thrash around but your limbs never find the hold they're looking for. It's fucking embarrassing, made even worse as yells from the crowd now formed around you increase. "Center your core!" Krista yells, trying to help but only making the humiliation worse.

You're upside down now, panting as you try to catch your breath. It's pointless. You groan, what is he even doing here? Since when does he train the students in 3DMG? You bite your tongue at the fact the reason he suddenly decided he wasn't above this is because he knew it would be your first day on this field and he couldn't pass up an opportunity to see you fail.

How did she even get into this Rank?

She's bringing us down.

Her daddy probably paid someone off.

You can hear all different kinds of demeaning whispers from the crowd, from people who are supposed to be your comrades. Levi finally speaks, taking a break from staring at you with that blank expression that you just know is hiding a look of disgust. "Everyone back inside." He demands, arms crossed over his chest.

"But we're not done yet!" Ymir scoffs, glaring at you.

"We are if I say we are." He tsks. "Annoying brat." He mutters under his breath before walking over to you.

It's hard to get away when you're stuck upside down but that doesn't stop the hairs from rising on your skin, anxiety threatening to eat away at you as he walks closer and your comrades walk away. Leaving you fully in his mercy.

Just fucking great.

He's dropping you from the gear in a flash and you ungracefully land on your hands and knees, winching at the hard contact you make with the grass underneath you. You quickly stand up, not wanting to give him the satisfaction but you can already see the corner of his lip twitching.

"You are truly a disgrace, y/n." He mutters.

You say nothing, knowing it will only make matters worse as he stares at you. You ignore the dread in your stomach as he stalks around you, "How can you expect to go out into the real world when you're this pathetic?"

You clench your jaw. "Others did worse than me!" You burst out before you can stop yourself, hands clenching tightly.

He walks back in front of you, raising an eyebrow at your childish outburst as if bullying a cadet isn't the mere definition of immature.

"Why do you only ever have an issue with me? It's annoying." You should've stopped from the second you exploded at him but like always, he just infuriates you too much. "You knew I wouldn't be ready after twisting my ankle the other day but you still made me do this, I know you enjoy torturing me but—" A shriek escapes your lips as his fingers suddenly grip your hair, tightening around the strands as he pulls.

"You think too highly of yourself. I am not bullying you, you insolent little brat. I am making sure you don't get my cadets killed because you were too weak to fight because of what, a twisted ankle? His laugh sends a shiver down your spine. "Soldiers have lost limbs and you're complaining about your stupid fucking ankle?" He throws you on the ground and before you can collect yourself, his foot is hovering over your ankle.

Your eyes widen but before you can even let a word out, he's stepping on it. You quickly bite your lip, holding the scream that's threatening to leave your mouth and embarrass you even further. Fuck, it hurts.

He twists his foot, applying more unbearable pressure to your injured ankle. "Does it hurt?" He sneers. "You know what hurts more? Being torn apart by drooling freaks."

Your nails dig into the dirt, lip tearing from you refusing to cry out. But he presses and twists his foot, until you’re shaking, until a small cry escapes your lips. Until he wins.

"Stop!" You scream after your defeat, struggling to get away from his hold.

He scoffs, finally relenting. "Go muck out the stables."

Despite the burning hatred deep in your guts and the aching pain in your ankle, you're fine. You don't considering mucking out the stables a punishment despite that being his intention.

You love seeing the horses, it's the only silver lining in this dark path you've chosen for yourself. You smile as large, dark eyes blink at you once you get closer to the stables, taking in the sheer beauty. Back home, riding horses would always be your favorite hobby.

It was the one time a day you felt happy, free from all the stress and responsibilities your parents put on you.

You run your hands along his blonde hair, taking in how elegant and striking he looks. For a second, you ponder taking a saddle and riding him. It would be just like old times and heavens knows you need it. Before you can entertain the thought even more, you hear footsteps behind you.

You tense, fearing it's Levi but you let out a sigh of relief as Armin walks up. He's holding an apple and for a second you think it's for the horse but he hands it to you. You blink down at the fruit. "Thanks?" You mumble as you take it.

"We both know he won't be letting you eat tonight."

Your eyes widen, already knowing who the he is. "How'd you know?"

He chuckles, awkwardly scratching his neck. "I'm an observant guy and well Captain Levi doesn't really seem to like you. Well he never likes the new recruits but he seems to really...have an issue with you." His cheeks are blushing furiously with every word that comes out of his mouth.

"And I've noticed sometimes he takes your meals away when you mess up during training which is..."

"A lot?" You scoff, rolling your eyes.

He quickly shakes his head. "No, I wasn't going to say that!"

"It's okay." You sigh. "I know I suck but I'm improving! But he acts like I'm the worst freaking cadet and it's so freaking annoying." You groan, hand clenching around the apple. "I mean, would it kill him to say great job once in a while or at least not look at me like I'm worse than the damn Titans?!"

Armin seems to be pitying you as he pats your back, a comfort he seems to immediately regret as he yanks his hand away like he's just been burned. "S-sorry!" He gasps, taking a step back.

You laugh, "I'm not contaminated, Armin."

"I know....obviously you're not! It's just...well..."

You raise an eyebrow, realization slowly dawning on you. Back in Mitras, you were quite popular—a stark contrast to your life here. And with popularity comes the pack of lovesick boys who just have to profess their crush for you. And every single one of them had the same look that's currently resided on Armin's face right now.

"Armin." You start, doing nothing to stop the shameless smile now forming on your face. "Do you have a crush on me?"

It seems that was the absolute worst question to ask. His breath hitches, frantically shaking his head. "What?" He wheezes. "Where did you get that idea from? I don't—I—"

You stifle a laugh, walking closer to him. "It's okay." You try to reassure him. "You're cute." It's a shameless and pathetic attempt at flirting but it's not like you have many romantic options here. Half the boys in your class are useless and the other male population you're even allowed to interact with are off fighting Titans. And it's not like you can bat your eyelashes at your superiors.

"I am?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah." You smile, walking over to where the saddles are, knowing it's a bad idea but still placing it on the horse. You're going to get punished tomorrow anyways for whatever Levi deems is unfit so might as well actually have some fun before the asshole comes. "Do you want to join me for a ride?"

"Uhm...yes?" He chokes, watching as you lead the horse further out of the stables.

You straddle him, looking down at the blonde. Armin looks like he's about to pass out, cheeks a dangerous shade of red as he tries to muster up some words. He's seconds away from taking your hand and getting on the horse but the sound of footsteps have you both freezing in your place.

All the color drains from your face as you look up to see Levi standing there, “Stealing Survey Corps property is a crime.”

You get down from the horse, throat dry. “I wasn’t stealing.” Is all you can say. Armin is right besides you, about to come to your honor but the Captain waves his hand. “Leave Arlert.” He says, sounding almost bored but you can see the fury in his face. No matter how hard he tries to hide it.

Armin looks over at you, obviously not wanting to leave you in the mercy of the man everyone in this damn city fears but it’s pointless. When Levi gives an order, you obey.

He slowly retreats, head cast down as he starts walking away. “Don’t be too hard on her.” Is all he squeaks before leaving.

His eyes burn into your skin and you conveniently ignore his gaze, keeping your head down. You hope this tantrum will be a fast one, you don’t have it in you to deal with another discipline so fast. You weren’t going to steal a fucking horse if that much wasn’t obvious enough but he could care less about sensible facts whenever it comes to you.

“Instead of taking responsibility for your thievery, you make excuses.” He walks closer, arms clasped behind his back. “You can’t fight, can’t use the gear correctly, and now a liar and a thief. Not to mention acting like a whore around your comrades.”

You ears perk up at that last comment. “Excuse me?” You glare into his eyes.

“Was that how it worked for you back then? You would bat those eyelashes and everything would fall into your lap?” He sneers.

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know you’re a brat. A spoiled one at that.”

“And what about you?” You ask, not caring at how rude you sound. “You’re always spewing insults at me when you’re the worst of them all. Harassing a innocent cadet who’s just trying—”

“You’re barely a cadet.” He snorts.

“And you’re nothing but a bully!”

His infamous agility is used before your own eyes as his fingers wrap around your throat, pushing you against the wall. “Clean the fucking stables, that’s all you had to do. But instead you decide to disobey me and run off with fucking Arlert and now you’re insulting me? Do you want to get kicked out, huh brat?”

Scrambling to get away from his punishing grip on your throat, your nails dig into his hands. It’s quick, how easy it is to be on the brink of passing out. He knows exactly what correct pressure point to press as he squeezes. You gasp out, practically clawing at his knuckles now. “L-luh-let go!” You manage to get out.

Black dots form in your vision and despite all the struggling, it’s useless to win against this brute. “Levi!” You cry out and it seems the gears in his head finally start working again as he lets go.

He steps back, letting out an annoyed sigh as he stretches his fingers. You fall onto your knees, heaving onto the ground.

“You’re infuriating.” He says more to himself. “Why can’t you ever listen? From day one I told you that you didn’t belong here.”

“But instead you pay no attention to my words. Instead you stay and drive me fucking insane. Instead you flirt with everyone who has a pair of balls in this fucking place.”

You stand up, palm on the wall for support as you rub your aching throat. For a minute you’re too scared to talk, for how he’ll react and for the sound that will come out of your mouth but then you remember that frankly you don’t give a shit. “I wasn’t flirting, you asshole! I was having a simple conversation with a friend, something I know you aren’t familiar with but doesn’t mean you have to take your anger out on me.”

He just stands there, jaw clenched as you’re forced to stare into depths of blue-gray. They’re chilling, the way he looks at you. It’s always enough to have you second guess your actions, have goosebumps forming and your legs shaking.

He’s moving closer, terrifyingly so and there’s no way to run. You’re stuck between him and the wall, your body hitting it with a loud thud. Your nails scrape against the wall. “Why do you even care who I talk to? I’m trying to get better. I’m training day and night and a little nudge in the right direction wouldn’t hurt every once in a while but all you ever do is belittle me. It’s so—”

“So what?”

“Mean.”

His eyebrows furrow, eyes looking sharp enough to murder someone as he responds. “I’m not mean.” He replies, as if that’s the worst thing you could’ve possibly said to him.

As if he hasn’t been the one tormenting you since the day you met. “You’re just spoiled.” He says like it’s the simple truth. “Never went a day without someone caring for you, doing everything for you. No one has probably even raised their voice at you.”

You bite your lip, hating the way those are true. Why should you be ashamed of that? You were cared for as a child, it’s not something that should be used against you but the way Levi talks, it makes you feel like you’re nothing but a spoiled baby.

“I’m not mean. You’re just weak.”

You refuse to let the tears form, instead letting out a shaky sigh. “At least I’m trying to get better. To fight for my people. At least I’m not an old man attacking—”

“No, you’re just a shameless whore.”

Your mouth gapes open, landing a singular punch on his chest without thinking twice. You should regret it…you think you already do the second your fist makes contact with him. You’re already ready to bolt out of there but he’s grabbing you by the wrist. Stopping you in your tracks.

It’s not as harsh as it could’ve been. His fingers just stay there, wrapped around you.

“Why do you care who I interact with?” You ponder aloud, snatching your hand away from his hold. Is he really not going to retaliate for that punch?

“I don’t want you distracting my cadets.” He answers, eerily calm. It’s a bullshit excuse and you can see right through it.

“By being friendly?” You scoff, ready to accuse him of being an idiot but you stop in your tracks. “Would you rather it was you I batted my eyelashes at Captain?” You don’t know where the bravery came from. You’ve said countless questionable things to the Captain but never something as…suggestive as that.

Why else would he care so much? The bullying part yeah whatever he thinks you’re useless and spineless but why the hell should he care if you’re flirting with someone? Unless the old man has some weird crush on you.

It’s a ludicrous thought.

But you know it’ll piss him off. And that’s enough to act on it.

He grabs your chin in a flash and you’re already preparing yourself for the hit that’s going to come but nothing happens. Instead he just stands there, softly holding you as he tilts his head. Were you actually right??

His lips hover over your jaw and cheeks, never touching but you can feel his breath on your skin. Your pulse is pounding, heart hammering to the point you can’t hear anything. What is he playing at? You gulp, shivering a bit as his lips ghost over your ear. You wait anxiously for his next words, not liking the way you’re not entirely disgusted by his touch.

“One week of stable duty for your attempt at burglary, brat. Another for hitting a superior.”

He pulls away but only slightly, he stares like he’s eager to see the reaction you’re going to give. You’re in utter disbelief at the audacity of this bastard but to give him a visible reaction after he’s been torturing you all day is not on your to do list. “You keep abusing your power and I’ll have no choice but to go to the Commander.” You try to sound hardened but he’s left you a breathless mess.

He backs away, smiling at you. “One more week for backtalk.”

“That wasn’t backtalk!”

“Another week for more backtalk.”

You scream, hands clenched into fists as you try to not say a word.

He’ll always find a way to get the reaction he wants out of you, like it is some depraved need. “Screw you.”

He rolls his eyes. “Get back to work. And no more flirting with the comrades.” He walks away.

You stare daggers at his retreating form, wanting nothing more than to chuck the horse shit at him.

But despite the rage that’s seconds away from exploding inside of you, the thought of his fingers wrapped around your chin come back to haunt you, how his lips were inches away from making contact with you. How you weren’t pushing him away, disgusted with his actions. You don’t understand why you were so paralyzed.

It angers you more than anything the Captain has ever done.

[willalove75]

The Estate | Lady Dimitrescu x Fem!oc Chapter 5

Summary: You have a relaxing weekend with your daughter before your first full week of work begins - and it begins with a surprise visitor and a spontaneous conversation with your new boss.

Warnings: 18+ minors DNI

Tags: fluff, angst if you squint, plot development

I'll add more tags as needed!

Notes: Chapter 5! In reference to the gif: if you know. You know. BECSPK gang 4 lyfeee💕 (Although my go-to is egg whites and bacon on a seedless🤤)

I want to SO apologize for not updating this fic in MONTHS! For those of you who haven't seen my Alcina's New Maid update (or my Tumblr post update) the reason for my lack of writing has been because I'm pregnant! I'm officially 20 weeks (halfway! WOO!) and have been trying to get myself back into a regular writing schedule. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the update!

Ik slow burns can be boring and I'm trying my hardest to keep it entertaining while also not rushing too much!! I have a LOT planned for this fic and I'm excited to get into the meat and potatoes of it!

Gif source

Saturday mornings are your favorite. They're usually relatively quiet, not a lot goes on and you get to spend some lazy quality time with Emma. Just as you're clipping her into her booster seat your phone dings with a text message.

Open the door, bitch

Rolling your eyes, you walk to the door and open it to find your sister, Sam, standing in front of you with a brown paper bag in her hands.

"Finally!" She says as she walks into the apartment.

"How long were you standing out there for? Thirty seconds?"

"Thirty seconds too long!" She says over her shoulder as she drops the bag onto the table and leans down to kiss Emma. "Hello my sweet little angel, how are you this morning?"

"Auntie! I'm hungry!"

"You didn't eat yet, did you?" She asks you as she opens the paper bag.

The smell of bacon immediately fills the kitchen and it makes your mouth water. The signature scent of an egg sandwich causes your stomach to growl in response.

"No, I was just about to make Emma something. Fuck that smells so good." You say under your breath. "Where are the kids?"

"Good, I got you a sandwich. And Tyler has them today. It's his weekend." Sam says.

"Ah, gotcha."

Sam hands you a sandwich from the bag and you eagerly take it from her.

"I don't think I've ever loved you more in my life."

"Ha ha" Sam sarcastically laughs. "Yeah I'm sure."

After whipping up Emma eggs of her own you sit at the table with Sam and dig into your sandwich.

"God I haven't had one of these in a minute."

"Consider this a 'congratulations on getting a job' gift." She says and you laugh in response. "How was it?"

"It was good, I keep saying this but it's really great to be back working and doing my thing. I missed it."

"Well I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. How are the people?"

"They're good, my boss is really nice, her kids for the most part are nice too. The CFO is kind of an ass, at least that's how he comes off."

"That sounds about right. Your boss' kids work there?"

"Yeah." You tell her about Bela, Cassandra and Daniela and she chuckles at Cassandra's attitude towards you.

"She sounds like a ray of sunshine." Sam says.

"You have no idea."

"Mommy! I want out!" Emma says.

"Okay baby, let's get you out."

You take Emma out of her booster seat and set her on the ground.

"Can I go play?"

"Yes baby, go ahead."

"YAY!" Emma screams as she runs into her room. You chuckle and shake your head at her.

"Well I'm glad you're liking it so far and that your boss is pretty cool. Have you told her about...?"

"No, not yet. It's too soon."

"She hasn't questioned why you've been out of work for two years?"

"Oh no, she has. But I danced around it. I'm not ready to talk about it in the office yet. It's nice not having people look at me the way they do once they find out, you know?"

"Not really, but I can understand. Is she at least understanding that you're a single mom?"

"Well, she just found that out yesterday, on accident really. Bela asked if Em was a mommy or daddy's girl."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. But I think I played it off well enough. And Bela definitely felt bad for asking because she blurted out that Alcina is a single mother too."

"Oh shit, really?"

"Yeah. Alcina shot her a look. A 'don't tell people about our personal lives' kind of look. Then before I left for the day she thanked me for being so kind to her daughters, especially the youngest one. It was really sweet."

"From what you've said she doesn't seem like the type to get sentimental with her employees like that."

"She isn't. I honestly don't know if she's ever showed anyone else in the office that side of her before. Everything is always strictly business with her, at least from what I've seen so far. But it was nice seeing that softer side of her."

"What does she look like?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm nosey and want to know!"

"I don't know, she's tall, like six feet tall and she wears heels."

"Holy shit she must be a giant."

"She is. She has short curly hair, really pretty blue-grey eyes. I've never seen eyes like hers before, they're beautiful. And she has the best figure I've ever seen, it's almost fake but you know it isn't."

"How so?"

"She has like, massive tits." You say as you imitate the size of her breasts with your hands. "And a small waist, but not like, too small? Nothing about this woman is small honestly. She has a like, perfect hour glass figure. But you can tell it's all natural. And she dresses like she walked out of the 1950s."

"Sounds like you've looked her over on more than one occasion." Sam says as she smirks at you.

"You would too if you saw her! Practically everyone does. She gives off this crazy alpha energy."

"You're single, right?"

"Oh god Sam stop. She's my boss!" You say as your cheeks turn pink.

"That hasn't stopped people before!"

"You're ridiculous. No."

"You're turning red!"

"I've been there three days! I can't have a crush on my boss! Plus, just because she's a single parent doesn't mean she isn't seeing anyone. And I doubt she's into women and she's. My. Boss."

"Whatever you say." Sam says with a smirk as she cleans up the table.

"You are a pain in my ass."

"Yet you love me anyway. So how's sassy pants downstairs?"

"Margie? She's fine, same as usual. She finally gave up driving, thank god."

"Oh fucking finally. Deb's been trying to convince her mother to stop driving for years. What made her finally give in?"

"Well, a few months ago she ran into the garage door."

"Oh Jesus."

"So she bargained. She said she would stop driving if she could start smoking again."

Sam laughs out loud and shakes her head. "She is stubborn as fuck."

"The most stubborn woman I know."

Sam hangs out with you and Emma for a few more hours before heading out. Around one in the afternoon you put Emma down for a nap and you decide to jump in the shower. After your shower you get dressed and clean the house a little. Emma only naps for an hour and a half before you go in and wake her up.

The weather is finally warming up so you decide it's the perfect day to head to the park nearby. Emma squeals with excitement when you pull up and you can barely keep up with her as she runs to the slide. There's a few other kids at the park with their parents watching close by. You keep an eye on Emma as she goes up and down the slide a few times before growing bored of it and moving to play on the jungle gym.

Kids and their parents come and go as you sit on the bench watching your daughter. Dinner time is slowly arriving so you tell Emma she can go on the slide three more times before it's time to go home. After the third time she puts up a little bit of a fight but the moment you suggest going and getting dinner from her favorite place, she's more than eager to leave.

After pulling into the parking lot you and Emma enter the 1950's-style diner. The hostess seats the two of you and when your waitress comes you place your order. Not long after the food comes out and you start on your sandwich as Emma munches on her chicken fingers. Emma squeals with excitement when you tell her that she's allowed to get an ice cream and she happily orders a vanilla sundae, you of course also order one for yourself.

As usual, Emma is wearing her ice cream by the time she's finished with it but truthfully, you couldn't care less. After getting the check and paying at the register you and Emma head home.

Once Emma is bathed and dressed in her pajamas, the two of you pick out a book, as you do every night, and you read her the story as she falls asleep.

The rest of the weekend flies by and before you know it, Monday is back again. After dropping Emma off at your in-laws house you make your way to the estate.

Walking inside you see Cassandra and one of the other bartenders prepping the bar for the day. You wave at them, Cassandra as per usual ignores you but the other bartender, Dave, waves at you with a smile and a pleasant "good morning!"

Rounding the corner towards the offices you spot Chris and Alcina talking in the hallway. Alcina is leaning up against the wall inspecting her fresh manicure, looking like she couldn't be more uninterested in whatever Chris was talking about if she tried.

When the sound of your shoes against the floor reaches her ears her eyes flick up towards you. A bright smile stretches across her lips and she pushes herself off of the wall and steps towards you.

Chris stops speaking mid-sentence and gives Alcina a look. She returns the look and says to him "I already told you you can go ahead with the project, I don't need you to continue to bore me with details that are irrelevant." before turning away.

"Good morning." You say.

"Good morning Kathleen. How was your weekend?"

"It was good, quiet but relaxing. How was yours?"

"Excellent. My weekend was busy, as usual, but pleasant."

Just as you go to speak you're interrupted by the sound of a door being slammed open in the tasting room. A second later a voice rings through the tasting room and down the hall.

"DELIVERY FOR HER HIGHNESS!"

Alcina's head snaps in the direction of the room, her eyes narrow and you hear a low growl rumble in her chest.

"If you'll excuse me." She says through gritted teeth. You notice a vein in her neck begin to pulse and she storms towards the noise.

"Oh this will be good." Chris says with a little excitement in his voice.

"What? What was that?"

"You're gonna want to see this." He says with a smile as he walks in the direction Alcina took off in. You drop your bag at your desk and head towards the direction Chris and Alcina went off to.

Alcina opens the doors to the tasting room and her vision turns red. Waltzing into the room is her brother, Karl, making his way towards the bar.

"Cassie, hook your uncle up will ya?" He says, taking a seat.

"Heisenberg." Alcina hisses.

"Ah, there she is!" He says as he puts his feet up on the bar.

Alcina smacks his feet off and glares down at him.

"Do you not have any manners?" She says as her eyes flash with rage.

"What? I'd think you'd be more appreciative that I worked so hard to finish whatever the hell it was you asked me to make."

You walk into the tasting room behind Chris and watch as Alcina stands next to a slightly disheveled man. He's wearing a stained t-shirt with baggy pants and boots. A hat, sunglasses, and a trench coat.

He goes to grab the drink that was set in front of him, ignoring the fact that Alcina is practically shaking with anger. He takes a long sip of the beer he was given and pulls out a cigar, sticking it between his chapped lips. As he goes to grab a lighter from his pocket, Alcina snatches the cigar from his mouth and breaks it in half, dumping it onto the counter in front of him.

"The fuck was that for?!"

"You cannot smoke in here!"

"You're such a fucking buzzkill." He mutters, rolling his eyes and taking another drink from the bottle. "Cassie I don't know how the fuck you put up with this shit every goddamn day."

Cassandra snickers and Alcina shoots daggers at her. Rolling her eyes at her mother, Cassandra turns around and continues putting away the glasses.

Karl finishes off his beer and lets out an obnoxiously loud burp. Alcina scrunches her face in disgust and wafts the air between them away from her.

"You are a truly vile human being." She says.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry I don't meet your standards, princess." He replies. "Hey Cass, get me another round will ya?" He says, slapping his hand down on the bar.

"Absolutely not." Alcina says. "I will not have you come in here, make a scene, drink all of our imported beers and pay not as much as a dime for them. Up! Go," she says, shooing him away from the bar. "get the table and get the hell out of my establishment!"

"Someone's in a great fuckin' mood this morning. What happened, woke up on the wrong side of your coffin?"

"Karl you are testing the very little patience I have left." She says through her teeth.

"Hah! You? Having patience? I didn't know you were a comedian."

Alcina squeezes her eyes shut and rubs at her temples as Karl gets up and starts to head towards the door. As he turns around he sees you and Chris standing near the door leading to the offices.

"Ho shit! If it ain't the fancy CFO himself!" Karl belts across the tasting room before meeting Chris halfway. "Howya doin' ya son of a bitch?" He says, shaking his hand.

"Karl my man!" Chris says. "I've been good, keepin' busy. How about yourself?"

"Hope slenderwoman hasn't been too rough on ya!" He says before laughing too loud, earning another eye roll from Alcina. "And not bad, not bad. Your boss here commissioned some kind of table from me so I'm just droppin' it off. Nice excuse to ruffle a few feathers too if you know what I mean." He says, nudging Chris in the ribs and laughing. "And who is this little lady here?" He says, looking over at you.

Not a second later you hear Alcina's heels stomping in your direction, looking up you see her eyes narrowed at the back of his head.

"I'm Katie, the new marketing and social media strategist."

"Karl Heisenberg," he says, taking your hand in his. "the pleasure is all mine." He gives you a small bow before kissing the back of your hand and letting it go.

The action took you by surprise a bit and you swore you saw steam come out of Alcina's ears as she walks up behind him. Karl lets your hand go and Alcina grabs him by the back of his jacket and begins to pull him away.

"Will you keep your filthy hands off of my staff? God only knows when the last time you washed them!" She hisses before whipping him around and pushing him towards the door. "Go!"

"What?! Is this how you treat family here?! What kind of establishment is this?!"

"One I will have you removed from if you don't get that table this instant!"

"Alright, alright! Don't get your panties in a twist. I'm going, I'm going!"

Alcina lets out a huff and brings her fingers to pinch the bridge of her nose. After gathering herself she turns back towards you and Chris and makes her way over.

"I do apologize for my little brother, he is quite feral."

"Ah come on Alci, he isn't so bad!" Chris says and Alcina shoots him a glare.

"I told you, do not call me that. And that man is insufferable at best." She turns towards you. "I do apologize for his behavior."

"Don't worry about it, really, it's okay." You say with a smile.

The doors open once more and you can hear Karl barking orders to the guys lugging the table in. Alcina physically cringes as they bang into the doorframe while trying to get it inside.

"Ay! Watch it! That table is worth more than what you get paid in a month!" Karl yells.

"If you will excuse me." Alcina says before making her way over to the men and directs them where to go.

Both you and Chris take that as your cue to leave so the two of you head back to your offices.

"Told ya you'd wanna see that." He says with a satisfied smirk.

"See what? Ms. Dimitrescu and her brother?"

"Yeah! I've never seen anyone else be able to get her riled up so easily. Just his presence is enough to make the woman lose her shit."

"I guess." You say

It aggravated you a little seeing Chris find so much enjoyment from watching Alcina get frustrated and riled up. If anything, you felt bad for the woman. Luckily you and your sister got along great but it would probably piss you off too if you had a sibling that was to blatantly rude and dismissive in your place of work. If anything it's probably as embarrassing as it is annoying.

The rest of the walk back to your office was quiet, much to your surprise Chris seemed to get the hint that you weren't in the mood to revel in Alcina's misery and didn't say anything else. When you sat down at your desk you finally able to get started on today's work.

A few minutes later you hear heels on the tiled floor and see Alcina walk past your office. She looked less than thrilled for the couple of seconds you were able to see her. The door to her office opens and a minute later you hear it close and she walks past you again. Thinking nothing of it, you dive back into answering emails.

Once your inbox was taken care of you go to check your to-do list to see what you needed to prioritize for the day. Digging through your bag you realize you must have left your notebook in the car so you grab your keys and head out the side door towards the parking lot.

As you open the door the smell of fresh air quickly changes into the smell of cigarette smoke. Looking over, you see Alcina leaning up against the brick wall with a cigarette perched between two fingers.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were out here." You say as you close the door behind you.

"No need to apologize. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I just left my notebook in my car." You reply.

Alcina brings the cigarette to her perfectly painted red lips and takes a long drag before pulling it away. She turns her head away from you and exhales the smoke. Usually you found smoking to be unattractive but somehow every single thing this woman does is attractive as hell. You'd put money on the fact that she could shovel a pile of shit and still look good while doing it.

You make your way to your car and find your notebook on the floor of the passenger side. Walking back over to Alcina you notice her eyes are still on you.

"I didn't know you smoked." You say as you walk up to her and immediately wish you kept your mouth shut. Why would you say that? What a stupid thing to say.

Alcina chuckles as she takes another drag before exhaling again.

"Yes, it's truly a disgusting habit I've yet to break. I had been doing well, however, my brother certainly knows how to get under my skin."

"I get that, siblings definitely know how to rile each other up."

"He is a man-child. A petulant fool." She grumbles.

As you chuckle a van drives by and slows down. In the drivers seat you see Karl. He blares on his horn a few times as he drives by, causing both you and Alcina to jump. Your hands fly up to your ears and Alcina visibly winces at the noise.

"Nenorocitul acela." Alcina grumbles under her breath as she sticks her pinky in her ear. (That fucking moron).

She takes another drag from her cigarette and looks over at you.

"You said your daughter is starting daycare this week?"

Her question took you by surprise for a second, you definitely weren't expecting Alcina to remember that from the conversation you had last week.

"Yes! She starts tomorrow." You say with a smile that doesn't reach your eyes. Truthfully, you were excited that Emma was going to spend time with other children her age and be able to socialize more, but the thought of sending her to daycare also gave you a lot of anxiety.

Alcina notices your apprehension even though you hide it well in your voice. It brought her back to when the girls were little and she sent them off to daycare for the first time. Granted, it was more of a private school than daycare, but leaving the girls behind and going to work was still anxiety-inducing for her.

"Nervous?" She asks before taking another drag of her cigarette.

Knowing Alcina was asking about you, you decide to divert your answer.

"Oh Emma is really excited. She wasn't sure at first but as soon as she saw all of the toys they had she was thrilled. She was very upset that she wasn't able to stay the day we did the tour."

"I was asking about you." She said with a smile.

"Oh."

"I remember when I dropped the girls off at daycare for the first time. I think I cried more than they did." She says with a chuckle. You notice a faraway look in her eye as she thinks back on the memory.

Alcina walked down the large, ornate hallway with Cassandra's tiny had in hers. In Cassandra's other hand, Bela clung tightly to her. When they arrived to the classroom the girls' daycare teacher greeted them at the door.

"Good morning! You two must be Cassandra and Bela." She says with a warm smile.

Bela and Cassandra clung to each other tighter, staring between Alcina and their new teacher. Alcina bends down and runs her fingers through Cassandra's dark hair.

"Girls, do you remember your teacher? Ms. Jackson?"

Bela's blue eyes scan the room as she holds onto her sister.

"Eu vreau sa merg acasa." She says quietly as tears begin to fill her eyes. (I want to go home).

"It will only be for a little while, draga. I'll be back before you know it." Alcina says, turning both girls to face her. She wipes the tears from Bela's cheeks and shushes her. "Nu plânge, e în regulă draga mea." (Don't cry, it's alright my darling).

"Vreau să merg acasă, te rog." Bela says as her voice trembles. (I want to go home, please).

"How about you give it a try? I have to go to work, but then we will go back home and we can play with your toys." Alcina says.

"No!" Bela yells, taking Alcina by surprise. "Vreau să merg acasă la mami! O vreau pe mama mea!" She cries. (I want to go home to mommy! I want my mommy!).

Alcina can feel her heart breaking in her chest. Cassandra's eyes begin to fill with tears as she watches her big sister cry. Even though she's only a year younger than Bela, she still understands that so much has changed and that they're no longer with their mother.

"O vreau pe mama mea." Cassandra whimpers before she starts to cry as well. (I want my mommy).

Wrapping her arms around the two little girls, Alcina pulls them into her and they grab onto her shirt and jacket as they cry.

"Shh, shh. Nu plânge fetele mele dragi, nu plânge. Va fi bine, doar respira, totul va fi bine." She says softly as she rubs circles across their backs as she tries to soothe them. (Don't cry my sweet girls, don't cry. It's going to be alright, just breathe, everything is going to be alright).

Their small cries chip away at Alcina's already fragile heart. She squeezes her eyes shut, refusing to shed a tear, refusing to let the girls - or anyone else for that matter - see her cry.

After taking a few deep breaths, Alcina begins to quietly hum the girls' favorite lullaby. She may still be brand new to parenting, but the one thing she figured out that works was singing to the girls in their native language. It was one of the few things that have been able to calm them when they were upset or scared. Alcina's mother would sing it to her and her sister when they were young. One night when she was at her wits end, she began singing it for Bela and Cassandra and they immediately began to calm down. It's been her go-to ever since.

The girls finally stop crying and Alcina pulls away enough to look at the two of them. As heartbreaking as it was, she couldn't help but think of how cute they looked. Bela's blue eyes and Cassandra's hazel eyes always looked brighter after they cried. Even their flushed cheeks and runny noses made them look cute. Alcina cupped each of their faces and wiped away their tears before placing a kiss in the center of each of their foreheads.

The girls looked up at her and it was almost pitiful. So much of her wanted to just take them home but she had to go to work and she had to let them go. Taking both of their small hands into each of hers, she looked both girls in the eye.

"I know it's frightening, I know you girls are scared, but I am coming back. I promise, I will be back and we will all go home together, okay?" The both nodded at her as tears began to fill their eyes once more. "No more tears my darlings, alright? No more tears." She says as she wipes away the stray tears from their cheeks. "I need both of you to be brave? Okay? Bela, I need you to look after your sister, to be protect her, alright?" Bela looks at Cassandra and back at Alcina and nods. "Cassandra, I need you to look after your sister, to be brave for her, can you do that for me?" Cassandra wipes her nose and nods at Alcina.

She strokes their hair before pulling the girls back in for a tight hug.

"Vă iubesc, vă iubesc atât de mult fetelor. Mă întorc, promit dragilor mei. Mă voi întoarce după tine. Nu te voi lăsa." Alcina whispers to them before giving them one last squeeze and letting go. (I love you, I love you girls so much. I'm coming back, I promise my darlings. I'll come back for you. I will never leave you).

Alcina stands up and straightens out her shirt and jacket. She takes the girls hands in each of hers and guides them to their teacher. Ms. Jackson smiles down at the girls and points out all of the toys scattered around the room. Cassandra eyes a baby doll and another little girl picks it up. The girl sees Cassandra and walks over to her.

"Play?" The little girl asks.

Cassandra looks up at Alcina and Alcina smiles down at her.

"Go ahead darling, go play."

Cassandra hesitantly releases Alcina's hand and looks at Bela, reaching out towards her. Bela's grip on Alcina tightens and Alcina strokes her hair.

"It's alright love, go play with them."

Bela looks up at Alcina who nods. After contemplating for a moment, Bela takes Cassandra's hand and the three little girls make their way over to the rug and begin playing with the toys.

Alcina takes the opportunity while they are distracted to thank the teacher and leave before they see her again. With her heart still breaking in her chest, Alcina makes it to her car and starts the engine.

Before she can pull away, the floodgates open. She grips the steering wheel and rests her forehead against her hands as she cries. Different emotions bubble up, but the strongest one is anger.

She's angry that the girls were put through so much at such a young age. She's angry at how unfair the last few months have been for them. Angry at the situation she herself was put in.

Alcina slams her fist against the steering wheel before pulling herself together. She takes her makeup bag from her purse and fixes her makeup before taking one last deep breath and driving away.

You can see memories flash across Alcina's eyes, memories you know nothing about. But you can see the emotions in her eyes, worry, sadness, and anger. Alcina snaps out of it and takes another drag of her cigarette and exhales.

"It's certainly not easy," she says. "the first few times are the most difficult, but eventually they were so excited the girls didn't even say goodbye when they ran through the doors." She says with a laugh.

"I'm sure we'll get there, but like you said, the first few times are gonna be rough."

"I have no doubts that the two of you will do great." She says with a smile.

With one last drag of her cigarette, Alcina puts the butt into the cigarette receptacle.

"Shall we?" She asks, nodding towards the door.

"Oh! Yeah." You say sheepishly.

Alcina opens the door and holds it for you. "After you."

"Thank you." You say with a smile before the two of you head back in.

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Part 10

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 1457

Smut warning!! Masturbation only.

Masterlist

A/n: of course I figure out how to write longer chapters when there's a smutty Joe Goldberg scene involved... Also, I realized today the whole "but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you" in the summary isn't actually that "soon". I'm just having way too much fun with stalker Joe...

Radio silence.

That's what the past two weeks have been, and it's my own fault. I fucked up. I tried to push for too much too fast.

When we left the festival, everything seemed fine. I got you a cheap burger and some coffee like I promised, and I sobered you up like I promised, and I got you home safely like I promised, and everything was just great. Then, the next day, I texted you:

ME: Do you want to get dinner with me after work tonight?

And you answered:

And I told you of course but then the weekend came along and you told me you had a thing, and then the next week you were busy, and now it's been two weeks of us barely talking. You're not even that busy, (Y/n). I know because you stay in every night eating twizzlers and watching Netflix. You're not even reading, which may have been a good excuse to bail on me if the book was really, really good.

YOU: ugh!!! i can't 😭 i'm sorry this week is going to be the worst

YOU: maybe this weekend? 😁

Well, today, I'm figuring out why you won't talk to me. It's easy as pie. First, I call a plumber about a leak in your bathroom. I make sure to pick a big company, so the person on the phone definitely won't be the person who comes by. Then, after your landlady has opened the door for the guy they sent, I go in and call:

“Babe? I thought you promised you weren't gonna leave the door open anymore! Oh, hello.” I act surprised to see the plumber coming out of the bathroom. “Are you… supposed to be in here?”

“Got a call about a leak. Everything seems fine, though.”

“(Y/n)’s always saying she's sure somethings wrong in there. I keep telling her there's nothing wrong at all.” I make a motion with my hand. “She's just not strong enough to close the tap all the way.”

Your apartment is old. I really hope I'm right about your taps being old, too.

“Well, there are no leaks,” the plumber says. “And you can tell her I said so.”

“Well, thank you for coming out, anyway.”

“Yup.”

I lie on your bed for a while, breathing in your scent. Then I go into your bathroom and smell your soaps. None of this is why I came here, but I can't help myself. I'm drunk on you.

And then the guy leaves.

I am gloriously alone inside your space. It's even better up close than from a distance: your books are all well-read, and on the wall where the windows are, you've got posters of old shows and movies. You've got a cd-player underneath your window which can't be seen from outside, and a cd-pole, too. You’ve got Bowie and Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana, and you don't just have them to have them either. They're not dusty, which means you actually play them.

Finally, I find your laptop. It's underneath your bed, just where you always leave it. You never close it down properly and you don't have a password, which means I'm in.

You are logged into WhatsApp and Discord. I can read all your texts. Your e-mail is open, too. This is the history of you, right at my finger tips.

I check the time. Four pm. Another hour until you even start to go home.

First, I check your texts. You are texting right now: your mom. Or at least, you sent your last message to her ten minutes ago, and you're still waiting for an answer. It's all in Dutch, though, and if I take the time to translate everything, I'll be here for far too long.

Your texts with Nadia are the same deal. Dutch. I translate the last few, from last night, because I think you might have actually said something meaningful to her, but nope:

YOU: what colour should i dye my hair?

NADIA: No!!! You finally have your own colour back and you TOLD ME to stop you if you tried to bleach it again!

YOU: ok but what if i dont bleach it

NADIA: I will fly over there and kick your ass.

I smile. I still like Nadia.

Below that exchange, there is your work group chat. Then, there are your messages to me. You don't text a lot of people, it appears.

Your Discord is the same: a whole lot of nothing. Most of the messages are years old and while I would love to go through them sometime, to get to know a younger version of you, today is not the right day.

Your email is more interesting. You, (Y/n), have a penpal. Here's the latest in a long, long email chain:

To: Greybird@wirrhino.com

Subject: WHY AM I LIKE THIS

hey hey,

i know we haven't talked in a while (why does every email we send each other start like that omg) but i miss you, and i wanna talk to you, and i figured you don't mind getting a message at like 3 am.

how are you doing? how's your family? how's the manny-ing job going? (is that even how you say that? idk. i'm not english and i will never pretend to understand the intricacies of the jokes of this language.)

a lot has been going on with me, i'll be honest. for one, as you know, i moved to new york!!! fucking finally. we are in the same country now, which means we have to plan that road trip across the states soon. come on, grey. we've been talking about it since we were 16 and we WILL make it happen. i will murder you if you say no!!!

anyway. things are good here. ish. you know how it is. the job is jobing. i don't think anybody there really likes me. actually i'm pretty sure no one there does. it's super lonely.

at least i've made a friend! his name's joe. he works at a bookstore so you just KNOW i have a crush on him. but also he's my only friend here and i don't want to ruin that. but i kind of am ruining it bc now i'm avoiding him bc i'm 100% sure he likes me too and WHY AM I LIKE THIS, GREY?? ANSWERS ARE NEEDED! but yeah. he's really great. and cute. and ugh.

write back!! i need advice and also i need to hear about your life.

love,

(Y/n)

I have never been so happy, (Y/n). I love this Grey, whoever he is, because you told him I'm really great. And cute. And ugh.

Also, you said you have a crush on me. I knew it! You are obsessed with me. You send emails about me at three am. You think I'm great, and cute, and ugh. You are avoiding me because you want to jump my bones. You are so obsessed with me you can't stand to talk to me.

I lie back on your bed and stare at the ceiling and I'm hard. Harder than I've ever been. I press my hand against my cock and then I unzip my jeans and stroke myself and is this love, (Y/n)? Will we one day tell our children you couldn't stand to be near me because you loved me so much?

Great. And cute. And ugh.

Great. And cute. And ugh.

One day soon you will show me that email and you will be so embarrassed, but I will tell you how adorable you are. I will tell you I was in love with you from the start, from the moment we met. Then you'll kiss me and you'll ride me right on this bed, right in front of this window where anyone can see us–

I check the time again. I need to get going soon, or you're going to catch me here. One day it will be expected of me to be waiting for you after work, but that day is not today.

I come hard, all over my fingers but luckily not on anything else. Part of me wants to wipe my hand on your sheets just so you'll smell me tonight, but I know you're not ready for that.

I go and wash my hands in your bathroom. The one where there isn't any leak.

I replace your laptop, make sure your bed is exactly as it was when I came in (messy, so that's easy) and pick up a sock you left on the floor. That'll be a keepsake for me. A reminder of this day, when you told someone you had a crush on me. That I am great. And cute. And ugh.

[sanstropfremir]

Hey D, how are you? ✨🎥 here! It seems that I come here every 6 months 😅

Mini update of my life: went to a Little Big concert in Poland and had a great time, got a bonus raise for every film fund I got (it’s pretty impossible to get them all due to the insane competition but at least we get one or two every year), still haven’t found a nice apartment (renters are insane and ask for stupidly high prices for tiny places with kitchens from 30 years ago 💀💀💀), did a super intensive course on production and that sucked the life put of me in November (it was Thursdays to Sundays so I had 3 weeks of no free days!), and my team changed a bit, we let go of one of the additions because he couldn’t perform well on the basic tasks and hired full time a girl that worked with us before as an intern (she’s good so far)

As for the projects that I’m working on, SLOW finally released in Spain this weekend and is gonna release this year in a lot of countries (US, UK and Ireland, Indonesia, Poland…). We also have two films scheduled to start shooting by March, another on April-May and possibly a fourth one in summer. So yeah, a pretty hectic year this 2024.

How are you? Anything interesting in your life? In kpop? In theater?

hello my friend!!!!!!! has it really been six months wtf time is FLYING....... don't worry about it tho i've been busy you've been busy, adulthood is meeting your friends every few months anyways

WOW that sounds crazy....but also exciting!! would love to hear about how the course on production went! very excited to hear that slow is gonna be released soon, usually stuff gets released in canada at the same time as the us so i'll keep an eye out.

idk if that much interesting has happened....we had a crazy busy christmas at the shop; i ended up singlehandedly doing an order of eighteen 2.5' custom evergreen + eucalyptus wreaths.........in a week..................do not recommend. i'm not doing any theatre but i did FINALLY see hadestown a few months ago! fantastic spectacular groundbreaking etc etc. oh and i recently got a commission to paint a mural! had the prelim meeting this morning, i haven't painted something big since my first year of grad school when i was doing life sized cave paintings so i'm excited! my therapist has been slowly coaxing me back into doing art and i'm being very slow about it, but at least it's progress!

tbh i have not kept up with that much kpop..........i'm in the process of finishing my end of year posts still but this year was so meh that the motivation is not there (plus working full time again).........there were some really really good cbs but most of everything was so mediocre. i am hoping praying pleading that companies start getting their act together for 2024 and there's been some promising stuff already, but. it's only january 😔

[jcbbby]

A Chance Meeting

Heyo, this is my first time writing on here. Not sure if this is something I'll keep doing, but this was just an idea that popped in my head and I wanted to flesh it out a bit. Might be a two or three parter? I've set this in Boston, since that's where I'm at lol. Towards the end, it gets pretty rushed, sorry. I welcome any feedback!

Synopsis: By chance, you meet the person you've admired most from afar, Jamie Campbell Bower. By luck, a friendship blossoms. Or perhaps...more? Over the course of a whirlwind week, your wildest dreams start to become reality.

Warnings: None. Yet. Just like, a couple swear words.

Pt. 2 Here.

Pt. 3 Here.

-9am. Monday.-

Another day working at the museum. You had been working for a few years in the offices of the cultural institution. It was a very cool place to work, but you were working hard outside those walls on a different art form: your music; hoping for your big break one day. But that day was not today.

You shuffle your feet to your desk, bleary eyed with fatigue from your weekend playing shows at a couple bars around the city. You plop your backpack down at the floor and drop yourself into your chair to switch on your computer. You let out an audible sigh.

"Monday again, eh?" Allison, your coworker gives a pained smile.

"Indeed. How was your weekend?" You ask, mainly as a courtesy. You hadn't had coffee yet, and were not interested in conversing.

As Allison went over the activities she and her family and friends attended over the weekend. You half listened, as your mind wandered. She tended to go on and on anyway. You yawned as her story reached it's end.

"I'm gonna go grab a coffee, or three..." You stood up to head back out through the door.

Walking the streets of Boston on this sunny autumn day, you breathed in the crisp air as you glanced up at the clouds. Something about a cool breeze in the sun invigorated you, it filled you with the belief that good things were on their way to you. At least, you hoped.

You pushed open the door of the bustling Starbucks on the corner. Seeing how long the line was, you closed your eyes and sighed in annoyance. At least the soundtrack was good, currently playing "There is a Light that Never Goes Out" by the Smiths. You bobbed your head, singing quietly to yourself.

"This is a great tune, isn't it?" A warm, smooth, was it familiar? voice said from behind you in the line.

You turned, slightly embarrassed that anyone heard you. You see that the voice had come from a tall, blonde haired man in circular sunglasses. His facial features were sharp, cheek bones high, his jaw angular, a smile that lit the room. A face you would recognize anywhere, for you had seen it on screen so many times before. You inhaled sharply, an attempt to hold your breath harshly to maintain composure.

"Uh, y-yes. Awesome song." You smiled. You took a beat. "You um...sorry, you're Jamie Campbell Bower..." you said, trying to keep as cool as you could.

He smiled as he looked down and then quickly back up. "Guilty, and you are...?"

"Y/N" you answered, smiling back.

"Lovely to meet you." He offered a hand. You brought yours to meet his in a handshake.

"Sorry, I just...I'm a huge fan and...god, this is embarrassing to be doing in a Starbucks at 9am on a Monday." You snorted. "You know what, nevermind. It's just lovely to meet you as well." You smiled.

"Oh, no darling. No need to be embarrassed!" He grabbed your shoulder. "Believe me, there have been far more colorful interactions."

"I'm sure!" You chuckled as the line took a few steps forward. "So, what brings you to Boston? I have to say I'd never thought I'd just...run into you in my city. In a coffee shop."

"Oh, just some meetings really," he put his hands in his coat pockets "and I'm doing a photo shoot with a local photographer. Her schedule was a bit wonky so I've had to come here to her." His pocketed hands flared his coat outward as he gestured to the general area.

"How long are you here for?" you asked.

"Just a week. Have you got any recommendations for places I should check out while I'm here? I've been in the area once, for tour, but I didn't get to get out much aside from playing the gig."

The line moved a few more steps ahead. Your eyes went up to the left, as your head tilted to the right, scanning your brain for suggestions.

"Well, if you are into history, and there's obviously plenty of that here, you can do like, the Freedom Trail tour. If you wanted to find a nice place to go for a nice walk or run, personally, I recommend Castle Island. It used to be an old military fort centuries ago, and the fort is still there, but you can't go in. But it's a loop that goes out into the harbor and you can see planes coming in. I recommend going at sunset. It's just..." you sighed, "beautiful." you smiled. "It's one of my favorite places to just...be, I love it there."

He smiled back at you, his soft, plump lips parting to give way to gleaming teeth. "That does sound lovely!"

You were next in line to order now. You stepped up to the counter.

"Hi, what can I get started for you?" the barista asked, trying her best to be upbeat during this no doubt hellish morning rush.

"Good morning! Could I please get a venti cold brew with oat milk and vanilla?" You asked, pulling out your wallet. A ring-clad hand pushed it back down.

"It's on me, love." Jamie said, smiling.

"Oh, oh no, you don't have to do..." you stuttered.

"No, I don't, but I'd like to!" He held his smile, dipping his chin down towards his chest and tilting his eyes up at you.

"Well...o-okay. Thank you." you blushed.

He nodded, pulled his sunglasses to the top of his head, and stepped up to also order his coffee. A venti iced coffee, oat milk, and two pumps of caramel. He handed the barista his card to pay and gave his name for the order. When she handed the card back, he thanked her with a smile and told her to have a nice day. He held his arm in front of himself, gesturing you to walk in front of him over to the pick up counter. You smiled and nodded your head once, taking a step away from the counter, back towards the crowd by the pick up area.

"Thank you again," you said. "You really didn't have to!"

"Oh, don't worry about it. Thank YOU for your tourist suggestions." His eyebrows lifted, as his eyes held a look of genuine gratitude.

You nearly blushed. You had obviously seen his face before, in pictures, on camera. But in person, he was just beautiful. His pouty lips, deep ocean blue eyes, smooth skin. What on earth was his skin care routine?! You then had a thought.

"You know, another suggestion," you cleared your throat. "I actually work at the Museum of Fine Arts, around the corner. As a thanks for the coffee, I can get you in for free. I mean, if you have time, anyway."

His face lit up. "Really? Oh that would be so lovely! I haven't got anything going on at the moment, actually. Would I be able to pop over this morning?"

"Oh my god, totally! Yeah, right now would be a great time to go too. We're usually totally dead on Monday mornings, so it'd be like you have the whole place to yourself." You chuckled.

His brow furrowed. "Oh, you wouldn't be able to give me the tour?"

Your heart skipped. "You'd want me to show you around?"

"Well, I mean you are now my official Boston guide after all!" He joked.

"Two venti iceds for Jamie!" a barista called, setting down two drinks. Jamie looked up and went over to grab them.

He handed you yours. "So, I'll let you lead the way."

On the short walk back to the museum, you made small talk as you internally were losing your G-D mind over what was happening. Was this real? Was I still sleeping, waiting for my alarm to wake me up this Monday morning? How was I at such the right place at the right time. Why did he take to me so warmly and quickly? You were just a fan of his, and now you're about to have a museum date with him. Well, not a date... but one can dream.

You both walked up the stairs of the massive building that you knew very well. You walked up to the ticket desk ahead of Jamie.

"Hey Marsha!" You smiled at the ticket desk worker you had befriended over your years there. "This is Jamie, he's my guest for today. Could you print him one of my comps?"

"Oh totally. You got it, girl." Marsha said, clicking away on her computer.

Printing sounds soon followed. She handed you the small rectangle ticket. You thanked her with a salute that she also returned. You and Jamie walked up to the security guard who scanned tickets. You flashed your ID badge and reiterated that this was a guest of yours. The guard scanned the ticket and waved you both in.

"So, where do you recommend we start?" Jamie asked, looking around the rotunda and the pieces of art that lined it.

"We actually have a really cool Bosch exhibit on right now! My favorite is the Garden of Earthly Delights. It's so fucking weird." You laughed.

"I love weird, let's do it." Jamie smiled.

You laughed and beckoned him down one of the halls. You spent the next couple hours showing him around, relaying some historical facts about various paintings and artists you had learned here and there over your time working at the museum. He also shared some facts he knew as well. The whole time, it was like you were with an old friend. The organic chemistry and natural flow of your conversations and interactions. You almost forgot that he was a famous actor and rock star. For a couple hours, he was just...your new friend Jamie. You hadn't had such a good time at work in the longest time.

Standing in front of a Van Gogh, Jamie's pocket beeped and he pulled out his phone. He sighed as he looked at the screen, his eyes then looking up to you, twinged with disappointment.

"I've got to go, I'm afraid."

Your stomach sank. "O-oh. Well, duty calls, I suppose." You smiled sheepishly.

He placed a hand on your shoulder. "I've really enjoyed this, though. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your work day and showing me around. I really, really appreciate it." You could feel the warmth of his genuine gratitude.

"I've really enjoyed this too." You wondered if he could see the disappointment in your eyes too.

"Why don't I actually grab your number," he said. "You know, just in case I have any art questions while I'm here." He winked.

"Oooh, asking for my number." You smirked. He chuckled. "Yeah, for sure though. I got you on any art related emergencies." You winked and took his phone to enter your number and send yourself a text.

You walked him to the exit of the museum and he turned to you. "Thank you, again. This was really fun." He smiled.

"Thank you for the coffee." You smiled back.

He opened his arms for a hug, and you obliged. You were engulfed in his warmth. A tight, comforting hug, your head against his chest. He smelled intoxicating. A delicious cologne, mixed with a slight hint of cigarette smoke and mint.

You released each other and looked in the other's eyes. He nodded and you exchanged goodbyes. You watched him descend the step you had both walked up a couple hours prior. Watching him walked away, you stood in a daze, thinking back on the laughs you had shared. You wished you had told him how much he meant to you, how amazed you were by his talent, how much his music inspired you, how much his general outlook on life encouraged you. But perhaps that would have spoiled the time you shared. It was, after all, much nicer to spend the morning with this person who felt like an old friend, rather than the maybe 5 minutes you would have spent gawking at him in the coffee shop.

He disappeared from your line of vision as you turned to head back to your office. You checked the time on your phone. 11:23am. Shit, you thought. You fast walked back to your office.

"Oh you're alive." Allison said, monotone and not looking up from her computer. "Must have been a very large coffee."

You sat down at your desk. "Yeah. I uh, really, really enjoyed my coffee." You smirked up at her. She wouldn't believe you if you told her. Luckily, she didn't get paid enough to care about you wasting company time.

The rest of the work day, you found it so hard to focus. You checked your phone numerous times, hoping to maybe see "Jamie" pop up. But you knew he was busy doing work things, and in truth, you knew you likely wouldn't hear from him again.

-5:08pm. Monday.-

You waved goodbye to Marsha at the ticket desk as she closed up show, mouthing "thank you" to her, acknowledging the comp ticket she had given you earlier.

You walked outside, toward the train station to start your commute to your apartment. On the train, you glanced out the window as you stood, holding on to the silver poles placed throughout the crowded train. What a day it had been. The best Monday you had ever had.

As you approached the door of your apartment, you felt your pocket buzz. You took in a sharp breath, slowly reaching for the device. You had a text from Jamie. You blinked a few times, making sure your screen-saturated eyes were reading this correctly after hours staring into your work computer. Your eyes did not deceive you. You opened the text.

"Hey Y/N! I hope the rest of your day at work wasn't too bad. I thought I'd let you know that I'm interested in checking out that castle place you mentioned to catch the sunset. I thought maybe you'd like to join me if you're free? I remembered you did say it was one of your favorite spots. What do you think? x"

No way, you thought to yourself. He wanted to hang out again, in the same day? You leaned against the wall outside of your apartment as you went to formulate your response.

"Jamie! That sounds wonderful, actually. I would love to join. :)" You wrote back.

Three little dots popped up instantly. "Awesome. :) What is your address, love? I'll uber over and we can head there together. x"

You sent him the address to your apartment and finalized the timing. Hastily entering your overpriced studio apartment, you threw your bag down on your bed and rushed to freshen yourself up. You were so excited to be with Jamie again. He gave you a comfort you had never experienced with anyone else. Whatever that meant, you wanted to chase it. The idea of anything happening with him was not out of the realm of your imagination, he was gorgeous after all. But even if you ended up becoming true good friends from this chance encounter, that would mean the world to you.

--------------------------------------------

End of part one! Let me know if you're interested in a part two. I don't think this is going to go beyond three parts. Things may get smutty too, as a warning... but uh... yeah lemme know what y'all are feeling! Thanks for reading. :)

[formulakay]

hey kayla 💞you could do a drabble on Toto that he and Y / N are married and she is pregnant and it's a race weekend and she has to go despite the baby sees it but she hides me with the Toto's white sweatshirt and for the lunch pose she joins Toto and Lewis and without doing it on purpose at the sight of anyone she lifts the sweatshirt to stroke her stomach and Lewis and shock to know that she is pregnant because no one was aware of it yet. of course if you can my beautiful kisssss 😊💞

hi anon! i know this is WAY overdue, but this request was too adorable to pass up!

i hope it's okay that i wrote it this way, but for anyone that wanted a glimpse at what post-part 5 Texts With Toto could be, here you go 😌

i can't do short, i can't do angst, so what you get is 1650 words of disgustingly sweet fluff. enjoy! (also - not edited, sorry)

*quick edit: for more of my writing, go check out @formulanaughty 😚 (18+ please!)

Surprise!

Toto Wolff x reader, rated: G (general), length: 1657 words, warnings: reader pregnancy (descriptions of baby moving, etc)

"Schatzi, you don’t have to go.” His reminder was the fourth of the morning. The summer break was supposed to have been the start of your long-term maternity leave but you found yourself desperate for some normalcy and familiar faces before your lives changed completely once again in just a few months.

"Toto, I want to go. I miss everyone, and this could likely be the last time I’m in the paddock before word gets out that there’s going to be another Wolff added to the pack. It's Wednesday, there probably won't be that much media anyways, so I’ll be fine."

Later, after you've arrived at the track and have settled in Toto's office, you grab your bag and kiss Toto quickly. "I'm going to get a quick walk in, but I might get stuck talking to folks."

"You're welcome to join Lewis and I for lunch if you'd like. I'll text you when. Be careful."

You don't get far before you're greeted by a member of the Mercedes team. You glance down, worried that the outfit you had chosen doesn't conceal your bump, but the flowing fabric disguises it as best you can at this stage in your pregnancy. You pause in the paddock to carry on the conversation, welcoming the usual bustle and chaos that precedes a race weekend. Three weeks off had been wonderful to spend at home, nesting and preparing the nursery for your new addition, but you had missed this part of your life immensely.

Eventually, you find yourself wandering back towards the Mercedes' hospitality trailer, cranky with hunger. Your phone vibrates with a text from Toto, stating that he and Lewis are on their way over for lunch. Knowing that they will likely get caught up talking to the team, you head to the coffee counter.

"Look what the cat dragged in! I thought you were taking some time off after the break?"

George's voice behind you makes you jump and you laugh at his teasing. You turn, carafe of coffee still in your hand. "George! I am, I mean, I will, I just missed you too much, I had to come back and see you before I left."

He pulls you into a quick one-armed hug before smiling down at you. "How've you been? Feeling okay?"

Your free hand brushes your stomach and you drop it to your side quickly before muscle memory makes you rest it on your small bump. "I've been good! Great, actually - what makes you ask?"

He nods to the carafe in your hand. "You never drink decaf."

"Oh! Yep, feeling fine. I'm already too keyed up being back in the paddock, I just don't need the caffeine adding to that. How was your break?"

George steps beside you and begins to make his own drink while you fill the cup with ice, add a small amount of cream and sugar, and cover with coffee. He begins to fill you in on his recent adventures, as he walks through the hospitality trailer with you, getting caught up in a story about his hunt for an apartment in Monaco.

After a few sips, you can feel the small being inside of you begin to roll, the gentle butterfly-like movements bringing a smile to your face.

A smile that is quickly replaced by a wince when the baby begins kicking. One particular jab causes you to stumble, the coffee sloshing over the cup's rim and down the front of your blouse.

George reaches out to steady you, his hand gentle on your elbow as you take a deep breath. "You're sure you're okay? I can go grab Toto if you-"

"No," you set the cup down on a nearby table and reach for a napkin, dabbing at the cold liquid, "I'm fine, just uncoordinated. I'm actually having lunch with him and Lewis soon. If you see them, will you let them know that I'll be right back? I just have to do something about this." You gesture down to the mess you've made on yourself.

"I will. Let me know if you need anything."

You lock the bathroom door behind you and pull at the coffee-stained shirt. It was one of Toto's old black Mercedes button downs - you had realized over the break that they were one of the few pieces of team wear that could disguise your growing bump. Although the coffee stain wasn't too visible, you knew that the lingering scent of coffee and cream could set off your nausea at any moment. You pull the shirt off and fold it neatly, pulling on the only other thing you had: your favorite sweatshirt, one you had stolen from Toto long ago. The white fabric was still somehow unstained and pulling it on always reminded you of receiving a big hug from your husband. You adjusted the fabric around your body, trying to find the best arrangement to hide your belly, but it seemed that no matter what way you moved, the cotton clung to your skin, making your condition relatively evident.

You resign yourself to making it work until you could track down another shirt and exit the bathroom, large tote purse clutched in front of your stomach.

Toto sees you cross the room and waves you over, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as he pulls out a chair for you at the table. You have a moment to get settled before Lewis arrives, greeting you excitedly.

"You look fantastic," Lewis says, a wide smile stretching across his face as he settles into the chair across from you. "Did you two go somewhere tropical for vacation? Back to Barbados? Because you're seriously glowing."

Toto scoots his chair closer to yours, his knee bumping yours under the table as one of his hands comes to rest on your leg. You feel your cheeks grow warm but you shake your head. "We've just been at home! We had some remodeling to do so it was a relatively quiet break for us."

"You changed your shirt," Toto notices, glancing down to where his large sweatshirt covers your small frame.

"I had a bit of an accident with my coffee earlier and this was all I had in my bag. It's more comfortable than the shirt I wore anyways."

The chef swings by to chat with Toto and Lewis, mentally noting their lunch requests before turning to you. "Mrs. Wolff?"

"I'll have whatever salad you've got today, with chicken, please, no processed meat."

Toto gives your leg a light squeeze before he turns back to Lewis, both jumping right back into the conversation they'd been having before.

As you're digging into your lunch, another sharp kick is delivered to your ribs from within your womb, the sudden movement punching the air from your lungs. You subconsciously move a hand to your bump to cradle the active baby inside while soothing the all-too-familiar pain in your abdomen.

Toto glances over in alarm, his voice quieting mid sentence as his brows furrow. "You okay?"

You grimace as the baby continues its movements, a tiny hand or knee or elbow or foot jammed viciously into your bladder. You should be used to the internal acrobatics by now - it always happens at lunch time - but it still surprises you whenever it happens.

"Oh my god," Lewis says quietly, immediately drawing both yours and Toto's gaze. He's smiling, his face so bright it looks like he just won the World Championship. "I knew it."

"We haven't told anyone in the paddock yet," you say, the words rushed on an exhale as you arch sideways to relieve some of the tension, smiling when it seems to placate the tiny human inside of you. "We were waiting until some time after the break, but this baby moves around in here like they're trying to break out early. Surprise!"

Lewis sits stunned, eyes moving back and forth between you and Toto. "Wow. I'm shocked, but thrilled for you both. Congratulations! Oh man, a little Wolff. That baby is going to be adored by everyone in this paddock, you know."

Tears well in your eyes at his words, the realization of how right he is settling in heavily. "Thank you," you manage tearfully, wiping away the moisture at the corner of your eyes before it drags your makeup down your face. "We couldn't be happier." You turn back to Toto. "Well, the secret's out. I want to tell everyone, I'm ready for it."

He leans in to press a quick kiss to your forehead. "Okay Schatzi, let's do it."

Later that afternoon, you and Toto take a break and hole yourselves up in his office, the lights low and the door locked to avoid any interruption or intrusion. Toto makes you sit back on the couch with your feet in his lap, his deft fingers gently massaging the sore and swollen flesh.

You stare at your phone for a while, debating on what to share, before finally turning the screen towards Toto. An Instagram post of the same announcement you had sent your family is drafted, along with a short and sweet caption: Baby Wolff coming soon! You knew it would be better to share with people in person, but this covered all of the bases, and in 15 minutes the entire paddock would be abuzz with the news anyways.

Toto grins and nods, pressing the "Post" button before you can rethink it. He pulls the phone from your hands, pressing a button and swiping at the screen to turn the device off. He moves over you, his lips gentle against yours as he smiles into the kiss. "I'm proud of you, mama."

"You too, Daddy," you grin, watching the way his eyes narrow and darken.

"Did you lock the door?" he asks, his hands already creeping under the hem of his hoodie, smoothing over the stretched skin of your bump.

"Sure did."

"Let's celebrate."

[lunaevangeline]

hi hi Luna! just wanted to stop by and hope you've had a great weekend so far!! ( ∩ˇᴗˇ∩ ) how're you doing today bby? 🥺💕

Hiii Lauraa!! <33 I guess this ask is from last weekend?? I'm sorry for the late reply but that's really of you 💕 thank you for stopping by on my ask box I'm really glad to see you hehe :>

Last weekend was really fun! I went to the beach and eat some good food.. although it was cloudy and I can't catch the sunset~ but still it was refreshing.. I'm barely active here nowadays.. maybe mostly only on weekends bcs I can't rest during the weekdays ahahaha

Anyway how was your week so far Laura? 🥰

[theblacklupins]

Okay so like Hanahaki disease between Wolfstar

Idk if I write good angst but like be warned because you might feel feelings lol

Tw: a little bit of blood during the coughing and throwing up bits so yeah be careful

Anyway enjoy :)

When Remus started to slowly realize, he knew he was fucked.

He couldn't stop looking at Sirius, couldn't stop blushing whenever the other boy touched him, or offhandedly complimented him. When Sirius just smiled at him softly, grey eyes sparkling like the most absolute pure silver ever to exist. It made his heart palpilate, his palms to sweat and shake.

Remus hadn't be one to believe in the Hanahaki disease. But that was foolish. After all, when he lived in a world where people turning into animals and luck potions existed. It really shouldn't have come to him as a surprise.

It all started with a sore throat, but Remus figured it was just because he hadn't drank enough water, so he shrugged it off.

Then came the shortness of breath. He felt like he couldn't breathe, especially around Sirius. But that was normal too, so he didn't think much about it.

But when Sirius had hugged him one day, murmured an "I love you" and proceeded to walk towards his new girlfriend for the week, he felt horrible pain in his chest and throat and choked on something.

A petal.

Specifically, the bright but somehow pale pink petal of a camellia flower.

Remus' eyes widened as he watched it float to the ground, landing softly. Nobody else noticed, not with the hectic movement of breakfast in the Great Hall.

Remus hastily picked the god forsaken petal up in his fist and shoved it into the pocket of his robes. Nobody could know. Not even James, Peter or Sirius.

Especially Sirius.

Not just because of Remus' pathetic crush on the boy, but because he knew that if Sirius found out, there would be no end to the guilt and self-blame to Remus' current predicament. He couldn't do that to Sirius.

So he kept quiet.

This secret was far easier to hide than his 'furry problem' shit, mostly because he didn't have to disappear monthly. But he still had to swallow down painful mouthfuls of petals whenever Sirius hugged him, or held his hand, or worst of all, when he would say "I love you". It really fucking hurt.

The pain was nearly unbearable, violent coughing fits seeming to come out of nowhere, hacking his chest so hard it ached deeply. Of course, the Marauders were worried, but Remus just rolled his eyes good-naturedly and blamed it on the moon, thought it was several weeks away.

Remus hid it well, considering that he coughed 24/7 and had to swallow down fucking petals.

But he gradually started to lose weight, which was alarming, considering he wasn't made much of anything else but skin and bones.

And then came the blood.

Remus had coughed into his hand, frowning when he felt warm wetness coat his palm. He pulled it away from his lips, freezing when he saw blood.

"Remus?" James asked. "You okay?"

Remus recovered from his shock and covertly wiped his lips in case there was any blood. "Yeah. My sore throat getting to me, 's all."

Sirius frowned and walked closer, fingers skirting over the base of Remus' throat. "You sure? You've been coughing for two weeks now."

It was all Remus could do to not cough up petals right there, chest hurting so badly the literal breath of his lungs had disappeared.

(He spent the better half of the night throwing up pink petals and blood in a bathroom)

"Remus! You're still up for that Hogsmeade trip this weekend, right?" Sirius asked one day, bright smile almost blinding as his arm wrapped around his newest girlfriend's waist. She pouted.

"I don't get why you can't go with me," she whined, delicate fingers grasping at his robes. "I'm your girlfriend."

Siriua frowned. "And Remus is my best mate? I don't really see any problem here. Hang out with, I don't know, Renee or something."

Sirius' girlfriend glared at Remus and jerked away, storming off towards the girls' dorms. Remus blinked, as if he couldn't care less. But the pain straining his chest and throat said otherwise.

Sirius cleared his throat awkwardly. "So, Hogsmeade then?"

----------

Hogsmeade was a disaster.

Not only did Remus have to swallow the most amount of petals he'd ever had to, Sirius just wouldn't stop touching him.

It hurt. It really hurt.

Remus even had to jerk away when Sirius placed a hand on his waist.

Remus felt nothing but agony.

---------

And on a dark, late night, Remus was jerked awale to the feeling of intense pain and the need to throw up.

He rushed to the bathroom, gagging and watching through blurry, tear-stained eyes that the petals had grown to full-blown flowers now, bloomed and everything. Blood drenched the flowers as well, and he couldn't stop sobbing into his hands, occasionally coughing up more petals and blood.

------------

Remus was snappish to everyone, even Lily.

He couldn't stop feeling on edge, mood swings nearly making him keel over from how overwhelming they were.

He couldn't focus on his lessons, and now he had to wear god fucking turtlenecks under his robes so people couldn't see the black, seemingly inked-on vines that had been starting to crawl up from his chest up to the middle of his throat.

And it all was fucking painful.

To feel every flower in his lungs, to have every breath short, to see Sirius smile softly at someone who wasn't him.

It all hurt too much.

And then it happened.

Remus had been listening to Sirius talk animatedly about this girl, Cordney was her name, about how pretty, talented, smart, perfect she was. He didn't realize he had zoned out until after Sirius poked him.

"Earth to Rem?" he asked, amusement lacing his voice. "You okay there, mate?"

Remus nodded, wincing slightly at the throb of pain it caused. "Yep. Just need a nap."

Sirius hugged him then, telling him softly that he could sleep with him if he had trouble resting.

And Remus collapsed.

----------

"Why didn't you tell me? Or any of us, even?" Siruus whispered, eyes raking over the vines stretched across Remus's chest and throat.

Remus looked away.

Sirius took a hand in his slowly, but retracted immediately when Remus started coughing violently. Madam Pomfrey rushed in, eyes sad as she ushered Sirius out.

"I'm sorry, love. I need to confirm if he has what I'm hoping he doesn't have," she said, patting Sirius' head affectionately. "Go ahead and rest up in the dorms."

------

Remus didn't want to forget Sirius.

But he had to. The flowers were going to kill him. And Sirius wasn't going to love him anytime soon, so he was forced to take the surgery.

And as Sirius held the werewolf's hand in his in the hospital room, after sobbing his entire heart out, realization dawned.

I love Remus.

And they watched in wonder as the vines slowly retracted, black ink disappearing ever so slightly.

[soleilsuhh]

fayee !!

oh, my, you're so sweet !! sending you lots and lots of chocolate ;))

i hope you've had a great week so far, and that your weekend is as gorgeous as you are <33 you deserve a break, bestie !!

yeah, i'm glad it all worked out, and not dwelling on it's good so we'll just not bring it up <3 proud of you !!

anyway, today's question is short and sweet !! best day of the week and why?

love,

🪐

thank you bestie, i hope your weekend is as divine as you are ! <3

well i love fridays because of the excitement and anticipation for the night and the weekends; and saturdays are most lovely because they're so peaceful and make me feel like i have all the time in the world; also tuesdays because that's the day i was born, which is kind of a big deal in my country (you can think of it like a lucky day <3) what about you?

sending much love ! <3

[rosesloveletters]

You said you needed some good vibes sent your way so here, have some Grogu memes, one f/o meme, some general encouragement and one (1) funny Bond meme that makes me laugh in asexual.

It's been a Week for me too, I hope it gets easier for both of us. You deserve all good things in this world, dear 💘💝💖💐

Also while I'm at it, I'll throw in some gushing over my boys and horses if you don't mind:

Jack's not much of a horserider but he loves being around them and handles horses well enough that I've let him tag along for the slower rides we take after the horses on after they've had a long ride, to let them cool down a little.

He's doing great so far and it's a nice sight to see him on horseback.

Cas and I are still doing our regular rides and it's still a super lovely way to spend time with him.

I remember mentioning (probably when answering some ask) that Cas usually goes for the stallions 'cause he thinks the mares are too jumpy and geldings are "boring". I sually go for the geldings.

Also if Cas is judging my horse choice when I pick a gelding my favourite comeback is "You better watch out or I'll turn you into one." (Geldings are male horse that have had their 🍒 snipped off) It's all fun and games and to be taken with a grain of salt but I did love to watch the colour drain from his face the first time I said it.

even if he favours stallions he always goes for the lazier kind, he loves riding and a bit off a challenge but won't risk a serious injury on too difficult a horse.

And then there's Cowboy (incase you didn't read the recent ask, this is just good old platonic friendship)

When I tell you, this man has no sense of self-preservation whatsoever when it comes to horses (that's why I'm there to make sure he doesn't get himself killed) (he says that "getting 'almost' killed isn't a thing because if something 'almost' happened it doesn't count")

I worry over him sometimes but then again, he's an excellent horseman and at the end of the day I trust him not to take too big risks.

He's the one I usually take the horses out with to let off some steam, just letting them hallop their hearts out.

Don't tell anyone but sometimes we have do some racing for fun, galloping so fast it's all a blur, not really knowing where the horse ends and you begin. It's the best thing ✨

Oh my god this turned long, really hope it isn't any trouble 😗✌🏻 anyway, hope the rest of the week is more gentle on you, you deserve it ❤️

Magda, oh my goodness, look how much thought/effort/work/love you put into this ask I'm shaking🥺🥺🥺 I did ask for some good vibes, life's been kicking me while I'm down for the entire month, and it's not been kind to the rest of my family either. Without going in to much personal detail, I'm traveling out of town for a funeral this weekend, among all of life's other hellishness it's been throwing my way.

Thank you for these lovely memes and encouragement, dear. You've curated a beautiful array of positivity for me and all of this made me smile so many times; I love the Bond meme😂😂

I sincerely hope things get better for you as well, life has been cruel to all of us recently and it's really not fair. The world deserves a breather, I swear. You deserve lots of love, honey, and I hope you're getting all of the love you deserve from your loved ones, friends, f/os, etc. How are you doing? I am sending you so much love, positivity and flowers💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

THANK YOU for the beautiful gushing about your lovely boys (and horses!!) I enjoyed reading about you all!!! Jack seems like the type to be somewhat alarmed by the thought of riding a horse at first and then slowly building up to it and eventually greatly enjoying it and developing a sweet friendship with a favorite horse.

OMG poor Cas, the last thing he'd ever want is to become like a gelding😂😂

Honestly, I completely vibe with Cowboy's explanation that if something "almost happened" then it doesn't count😂😂😂 That's too funny!! I'm sure he really enjoying riding with you and getting that extra time to spend with you in that way. It's great to have someone you can do things like that with and it's wonderful that all of them really enjoy riding horses with you! How sweet are all of you?

That honestly sounds like the best time; it must be so fun to lose yourself in a world like that where the only thing that matters is the horse you're riding and your f/o's presence with you🥺❤️

No this is absolutely no trouble at all! I love and cherish everything that you send to me!! I really loved reading through all of this (might have read it a couple of times too🥺🥺) you're all so sweet and precious and you're such a good friend to me, dear.

Hope this weekend/next week is gentler on you as well. You deserve nothing but the best!! Sending you all my love and care❤️❤️❤️

[spencers-dria]

Turn for the Better

Someone To Stay Ch. 1

Spencer x fem!reader

Spencer POV:

I open my eyes and glance around the room. It's darker than I remember. I must have fallen asleep reading on the couch again. I glance down and see a pile of books on the rug. Oh yeah...I only made it through about four books this time before I nodded off. I sigh in frustration that I'm awake. Might as well get up I suppose.

I wander into the kitchen and pull open the fridge only to be met with a jar of peanut butter, week old left overs, and a half empty jug of juice. Next.

I try again with the pantry. Almost completely bare. I guess this is what happens when you stop going to the grocery store. I settle on a cup of apple juice and a bag of chips... better than nothing right?

I slump back down onto the couch and pull my green wool blanket over me. As I stare up at my ceiling, as I begin to let my mind wander. But this was dangerous territory. I have to keep my mind occupied, I just have to. So I quickly sit back up and turn the TV to one of my favorite Dr. Who episodes. They say that anxious people re-watch the same shows because they find the familiarity comforting. I could definitely understand the feeling.

It was the weekend, which meant I wasn't called into work. Cases had been slow lately, as we spent quite a bit of time doing paperwork back at the office. Unfortunately for me, this meant less distractions. Distractions were good. Distractions were necessary. They are the only way I make it through the days anymore.

Things had finally returned to normal for me back at work. I was going into the field, and it felt like my coworkers were no longer tiptoeing around me. I hate when they do that, and it bothers me more than any amount of teasing ever could. I'm not so delicate, so easily breakable. Look at everything I have been through, everything I have endured. Yet here I am, still alive, still doing my job. I didn't need to be babied. So it was a relief when I felt the regular rapport I shared with my friends return. They had gone back to the sarcastic remarks and silly nicknames. I was grateful for it. They did, however, continue to check up on me. This was something that I did appreciate. They've seen me go down a dark road once before. I have no intentions of ever returning. I was stronger than that... I think. All I know is I have held on this long without resorting to any unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms...oh how I wish I had something to make the healing process easier. Having a fairly empty social calendar left me alone often. Normally I would find comfort in the peace and quiet of my solitary apartment, but not quite so much lately. I couldn't very well make plans to go out, and I wouldn't even know how to begin to do that. Who would want to hang out with me right now anyways? I'd be a damper on the fun, and everyone knows it. That's probably why my friends stopped inviting me to the nights at the bar.

There I go again, letting my mind slip into a dark hole of anxiety. Its not a safe place to be. I quickly turn my attention back to the show in front of me, letting it drown out all other thoughts.

The ring of my phone quickly draws my attention away. Finally...another case! I jump up to answer, seeing the name on my screen: Derek Morgan. That's odd. Usually Hotch or Garcia call to notify us of a new case.

"Hello?" I answer, confusion lacing my voice.

"Pretty Boy! Buzz me up!"

Well now I'm even more confused. Derek never comes to my apartment. I quickly press the button letting him into the building and opening my apartment door, waiting for him to arrive.

As he comes up the stairs, he gives me a grin shouting, "Come on man! Get dressed. We're goin' out!"

I roll my eyes and retreat back into the apartment, Derek close behind me.

I sink back onto the couch, my eyes glued to the television as I tune him out.

"Aw c'mon. Don't be like that. How long have you been sitting there watching TV? Have you done anything else today, at all?"

I don't answer, I don't even look at him.

"Oh, let me guess. You've been reading all day, huh?"

"Wow, can't get anything past you huh?" I say dryly, regretting my tone as soon as the words left my mouth.

"Alright that it. You've been cooped up in here too long. Like I said before, we're going out. And I'm not taking no for an answer" he says sternly, raising an eyebrow at me.

I finally look up at him as I roll my eyes.

"You know I can kick your ass right?" Derek smirks.

"Fine" I concede. "Well...where are we going? I don't know what to wear unless you tell me what our plans are."

"Don't pretend you don't wear the same fancy button ups no matter where you end up going."

I let out a small laugh...he's got me there.

"Dinner at Rossi's. I know pretty boys are high maintenance but, hurry up or you'll make us late!" I smile at the nickname. Same old Derek.

Y/N POV:

You let out a sigh of relief as you watched your coworker approach you, ready to receive report. It had been a particularly busy shift, and you were ready to get some much-needed rest. You walked to each patient room, giving Clementine summary of the day and the latest updates on labs and vital signs. You stepped into each room with her, checking one last time to make sure each of your patients was doing well and didn't need anything else before you left. Normally you and Clem would spend some time catching up and making jokes, but she could tell you were tired and needed to be home more than anything. You wished her good luck on her shift as you made your way to the break room. After putting away your stethoscope and the large collection of pens, pencils, and markers you kept in your pockets, you finally headed towards the elevator to leave for the day.

You opened the door to your apartment to be greeted by your dog, Juneau. She was a rescue you adopted a few months back. She still needed to make progress, but she had really warmed up to you and your friends and seemed much more comfortable in her new home. After feeding her dinner and taking her for a short walk, you heated up a quick frozen dinner and sunk into your couch.  Curling up in your blanket, you spent a few minutes browsing through different streaming services only to land on The Office, as usual.  Your mind drifts to what your next few days might consist off. You just so happened to land 4 days off in a row, but you had no idea how you would spend your time. You glanced down at your phone as it lit up.  It was your Uncle Will.

"Hey, whats up!" you chimed, glad to hear from your favorite uncle.

"Hey, (Y/N). I'm actually calling to invite you to a dinner some friends of mine are having tomorrow night. I know your schedule is real busy. But I haven't seen you much since you moved up here to Virginia! I know you haven't met many people here yet, but I think I can help you make a start. "

The kind gesture made you smile. You had always been fairly close with your father's side of the family. He had grown up in Louisiana and met your mother at a college in Texas. You spent your childhood in Houston but frequently visited the Cajun half of your family. Uncle Will had moved away once he fell in love with Jenifer Jareau, his now wife, and you hadn't seem much of him the past few years. But as luck would have it, your nursing career had lead you to a hospital in Fredericksburg, VA. You felt extremely lucky to have family nearby, or else you would have been completely alone. But sometimes you still felt that way, which is why you were so grateful for his offer.

"That actually sounds great! I am off for the next four days, and I didn't really have anything planned. Who will I be meeting at this dinner?"

"Well it's some of JJ's coworkers. They're like a second family to us, and I know they'll be just as welcoming to you. I already told them you moved up here, and they've been begging to meet you."

"Aww I can't wait to see Aunt JJ and my sweet little cousin, Henry! Its been so long since I came to visit you guys. I think Henry was barely two years old the last time I saw him."

"Well we all hope to see you a lot more now that you're here. You're like a daughter to us, Y/N. You are welcome to visit any time you like. I know nursing is a stressful job, and it can take a toll. Its important to have family and friends around you when things get tough." You could hear that this was a genuine offer and you fully planned to take him up on it in the future. Being alone in a new state was taking its toll.

"So where and when should I plan to meet for dinner?"

"I'll text you the address real quick. Everyone is planning to meet around 6. It shouldn't be too far of a drive. It's one of JJ's coworker's houses. David Rossi. He's a real easygoing guy, and he loves cooking for everyone. He loves meeting new people even more, so you should feel right at home!"

"Sounds like a fun time. Thank you again for thinking to invite me. I'm really looking forward to it!"

"Alright boo, talk to you later."

You smiled at the pet name used by the entire Louisiana side of your family. I guess the north had yet to steal his southern roots. You hung up the phone. You finally had plans. It would be nice to talk to someone who wasn't a coworker.  It would also be your first excuse to dress up since moving and starting your new job. Too excited to wait, you jumped up from the couch and began to rifle through your closet for something to wear. You didn't want to be too over or underdressed. You grabbed a black spaghetti strap fit and flare dress and throw it on with some black panty hose, a lightweight maroon cardigan, and some black heels. You snapped a quick photo in the mirror and shoot a text to Aunt JJ.

Y/N: Apparently I'm joining y'all for dinner tomorrow night...is this too much???

Aunt JJ: I heard! I can't wait!

And oh my goodness, no! You look gorgeous! It will be perfect.

Also...Henry is so excited to see you!

You smiled, more confident in your choice. Aunt JJ had great taste. You had only had the chance to meet her in person a couple times, but the two of you had clicked right away and stayed in touch over text and Facetime. Sometimes she felt more like the sister you never had.

Starting to feel the effects of your particularly difficult shift, you start to get ready for bed. You wanted to be well rested for tomorrow. You say goodnight to Juneau and crawl into bed, snuggled under all the blankets. You fall asleep with a smile on your face, with the feeling that things in your life are about to take a turn for the better. You couldn't explain it...but somehow you just knew.

[bluerosewritings]

Cat Naps | Leona Kingscholar x Reader

[Happy birthday Leona! 🥳]

—

This week was not your week. On top of the usual headache caused by Grimm and Ace's constant fights, both Professor Crewel and Professor Trein decided it would be a great time to set a giant project each, both due in two weeks. This would've been fine if you were able to actually concentrate on your work but some certain dorm ghosts had decided you were getting off a little lightly from their usual antics and had made your home life a prank-filled hell. You'd hoped it was only for last weekend, however they'd continued on into this week, causing you to have to stay in the library until late to get any sort of progress in your work before inevitably returning to an onslaught of pranks that had messed your sleep schedule up pretty much beyond repair.

Was it really only halfway through the week? You couldn't tell anymore. Desperately trying to rub the sleep out of your eyes, you clutched your books to your chest (this morning’s prank had been to fill your bag with all your textbooks, which you hadn’t realised until the bag’s now-broken strap had hit you in the face) and tried not to bump into any walls on your way to Mr. Vargas' class.

The reason you were alone right now was due to Grimm and Ace having another fight that escalated - under normal circumstances, you would've been the one to stop things getting as far as they did, but since you were too preoccupied with trying not to face-plant into your lunch Deuce had tried to break them up, only to get dragged into the fight as well. One thing led to another and soon the whole cafeteria was involved in a food fight (excluding Pomefiore, who were screeching about food stains). The fight was eventually broken up by Professor Crewel, who dragged off your friends to explain the whole thing to Crowley.

While you felt bad for your friends, you were at least glad for a moment of silence. So hearing your name being called immediately switched your neutral mood to a bad one.

"(y/n)!" You recognised a certain hyena's voice as you turned around to glare at him. "Ah... you okay?"

You sighed, pushing some hair out of your face. "Tired. Is there something you need, Ruggie?"

"Er, yeah," Ruggie said, somewhat surprised at your short answer, "your next class is Mr. Vargas, right?"

You nodded.

"Savanaclaw's Magift team was meant to be doing a demonstration-" you nodded, remembering Jack mentioning that earlier today, "-but Leona's bunked. I was on my way to get him, but it'd be a lot better if you could. I'll explain to Mr. Vargas why you're running late, so please?"

You weighed up your options. Vargas could always ignore what Ruggie had told him and give you a detention anyways... But if you did fetch Leona and Vargas didn’t want to make your life such even more, you'd have some more silence to calm down your headache and you wouldn't have to wear yourself out as much during PE. Plus, even if Vargas did decide to screw you over, being in detention would be a good opportunity to catch up on work with no distractions...

"Sure." You agreed.

"Ah, thanks! He's-"

"-botanical gardens, I know." You waved a hand dismissively. "No promises he'll actually come, though."

Those last words were mostly spoken to yourself as the hyena had sprinted off the second he knew you knew where to go. Taking a moment to massage your temple, you turned on your heels and walked towards Leona's napping spot.

—

The humidity of the gardens was not helping your need to pass out. Pushing down the urge to find your own spot to nap in, you made your way to his spot.

"Leona?" You called out, looking around. "Leona? You've got the Magift demonstration-"

You froze, feeling something under your foot. Looking down in dread, you saw it was the one thing you hoped it wouldn't be - Leona's tail.

You watched as it flinched and curled upwards, towards the rest of the man of the hour. A low growl reached your ears. Turning to your head up to look past his waist, you watched as Leona pushed himself up, glaring at you with a predator’s glint in his eyes.

"Magift demonstration," was the only thing you could say, "with Mr. Vargas - Ruggie sent me..."

Your words trailed off as you felt Leona's murderous intent grow larger. Fighting the urge to take a step back, you tried to keep eye contact.

Leona clicked his tounge. "The hell kind of wake up is this? You step on my tail, then try to make me do something? You've got some nerve, herbivore."

As he spoke, he rose of the ground and slowly approached you. His large frame cast a shadow over you, continuing to glare with his emerald eyes seemingly glowing. His tail, now seemingly recovered, lightly swatted your leg as if in warning.

Despite every muscle in your body screaming at you to run, you matched his glare with one of your own. "Look, it's not my fault you're too lazy to remember your own schedule. Just hurry up already."

Leona raised an eyebrow. "Whatever. At least I'm not about to fall over."

"What?"

"You look half-dead, idiot."

"I'm fine," you snap, "let's go."

You turn around, ready to walk away (with or without Leona at this point - detention be damned) when a hand grabbed you by the elbow. A yelp escapes your lips as you get dragged backwards, falling against the ground. Momentarily distracted by the sight of your books scattered on the ground in front of you, you didn’t notice Leona’s arms wrap around your waist until they were pulling you into his chest.

"Wha- let me go!" You say, trying to twist out of Leona's arms. At first glance they seemed to be loose but the more you fought, the tighter they seemed to become. Soon you’d turned around to face the Savanaclaw dorm head but his hold had gotten so tight you couldn’t move anymore. It didn’t stop you from trying though, as you used your hands to try to push his chest away.

"Stop moving." Leona growled in your ear, the warm air making you flinch.

You tried to turn your head to look better at him, ignoring the feeling of his lips brushing against your cheek. "Leona, we've got class!"

"So what?" Did his hold just get even tighter?

"Even if you want to bunk, I don't! I can't stay here! Let me go!"

"Shut up. You need sleep more than I do."

"I don't care! Let me-"

Leona placed one hand to the back of your head, pushing yours closer to his. "Be quiet, or I'll make you be quiet."

Before you could ask what he meant, his lips ghosted across yours, followed by a feeling of what was definitely a tongue dart across them. A blush spread across your cheeks. Leona smirked at your expression, pulling you closer and dug his head into the nape of your neck.

"Good herbivore."

Heart thudding, you opened your mouth to say something - anything - in retaliation, only to realise he'd already fallen asleep.

Seriously!? You yelled in your head. Fighting against the temptation to wake him up, you sighed, trying to figure out a way to get out of his grasp without waking him up. Judging by how tight his grip was, even in sleep he was determined to keep you as his body pillow. Why was he interfering anyway? It’s not his job to watch over your health! He should’ve kept his nose out!

Then again, you did need sleep, desperately... No! You'd get a week's worth of detentions if you skipped Mr. Vargas' class - or worse, he'd make you help out on the fields! ...But then again, the botanical gardens were just the right temperature... and the sound of Leona's breathing was oddly soothing... and Leona's chest was surprisingly comfortable to lay your head on...

—

"Leonaaaa? (y/n)?" Ruggie called out. "Where are- oh."

Ruggie wasn't surprised to see Leona still napping on the floor. What he was surprised to see was you snuggled up against him, Leona’s tail curling around your legs, arms around one another and your foreheads resting on the other’s. Your faces were so peaceful, he couldn't help but smirk.

The smart thing for him to do would be to walk away and pretend he never saw anything. Then again... a little blackmail never hurt anybody, did it?

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Oh Disneyland Paris sounds fun yeah! Were you and your roommate already close then? I went to Walt Disney's world with my aunt and cousin when I was like 11 but it would've been way more fun if I could've taken my best friend with me for sure. Maybe we can go to the one in Paris now that she lives just 3h away from me! Oh I see, sounds like LA was really fun for you yeah! your roommate didn't mind third wheeling tho? Hahaha

Yeah Canada is beautiful but what I liked about it the most was the massive improvement in quality of life I had compared to where I was living before and just being able to be who I am and people accepting me for it. Not being worried about violence 24/7 felt pretty fucking great too. So yeah I highly recommend living there if you ever get a chance. But I am loving Portugal so far, people are a bit more judgemental here tho but I like that it's easier to travel to a lot of countries I've always wanted to go to. Everywhere you go there are pros and cons tho so sorting out priorities is key. But Toronto is my favourite of all the places I've been, before living there for a year I had already been two times!

Jesus 50 states, sometimes I forget how big the US is. And you can totally do it if you plan it out! After watching Bly Manor tho I really want to go to Vermont especially during autumn season looks really pretty! There's this fic I love (only the sun by prestonarchives) where Dani and Jamie go on a road trip from Vermont to Maine and I did their entire journey on Google maps street view bc I was so obsessed with this one chapter fanfic I had to immerse myself entirety in it hahaha. So now I want to go there irl. Here's the link if you haven't read it before!

https://bit.ly/3BLy4WR

Omg I totally remember reading that on CBML and being a bit confused bc I was like why would she think you can't see the moon from the great wall of China HAHAHA but I thought it was really funny and endearing yeah it's even funnier now that I know you said it irl haha.

Oh so ENFP-T means extraverted, intuitive, feeling and prospecting personality with a bit of turbulence. Which just means you're curious, perceptive, enthusiastic, an excellent communicator, festive and good-natured. On the other hand you can be disorganized, unfucosed, a people pleaser, overcommitted, too optimistic and restless.

I wonder what Jamies and Danis mbti are as well as their zodiac signs 🤔 I think Jamie might be an ISTP-A bc she's definitely an introvert, very practical, stubborn, assertive, layed back and energetic at the same time. And Dani is either an ENFP-T like you or an ESFJ-T with the whole selfless thing going on.

AE already made it canon that Jamie's an aries (and it makes sense) but I can't figure Dani out. I've thought about her being a leo ♌ bc she's generous, passionate, warm-harted and dominant in her own way and THE HAIR haha. But she's got some pisces ♓ vibes going on too...idk. aaand I'm back at it again with the astrology signs haha.

To be fair your recent drunken exp it was dark and at least you didn't think the road sign was a bear or something (don't know what kind of wild animals you've got over there) that you wrestled with and ended up in a ditch and your best friend let you believe that happened for 3 years up until recently haha. 😂 but yeah some things happen for a reason, having life threatening health issues doesn't sound great tho, but I guess it's a good thing it stops you from drinking too much and making dumb decisions. And hey maybe I secretly want that to happen again idk maybe moving countries is not exciting enough, I have to go out and make a complete drunken fool out of myself in a completely foreign place hahaha. I guess that did kinda happen last month when my best friend came to visit me from Spain and we got drunk on wine, I got lost on the way back home and it was way past curfew. 🤔 shit I'm 29 will I ever learn...

Episode 9 is 😢😍🥰😰😭🤬☠️ just the worst roller-coaster I didn't even know I was on. Haha I was more pissed off than heartbroken the first time I watched it ngl.

Well then maybe the way you do accents is friendly and funny so people can't really get mad at you haha. Like Dani! Oh so that's called a Geordie accent! I see, it's really really cool. AE said Jamie is from Lancashire but that's a whole county isn't it? Idk if there's a specific accent to this region. Knowing you speak kinda like Jamie is something else tho, I think if anyone who spoke like her ever talked to me irl I wouldn't be able to pay attention to what they were saying 😂 just the accent haha.

Oh so you already have 4k something words for it nice. I'm kinda starting to feel an obsession with this medieval AU growing in me, I made a Pinterest board just for it ngl hahaha but I'm still resisting creating anything for it, I did a face study yesterday for Dani and Jamie to see if I finally pick up the idea and just do it but my brain was still like "I don't want to do this rn" and was just being a little bitch about it so I'll just let it cook for longer see if we can reach an agreement eventually (if ever) haha.

Glad to hear you had a good weekend! Even if it left you feeling exhausted in the end. And yeah it makes sense for you to say you don't have favourites haha! Have a great week Colour, take care! 👋✨

Yeah me and my roommate have been friends since we were like 14 so when we went to Disney Land we asked if we could be roomed together because we've been best friends for that long now... been best friends since school and now we live together. She's seen me at my best, my worst, has seen me in all my stages in life and has been there for a lot of the rough stuff I've been through and I've been there for all the stuff she's been through!! Nah she didn't mind at all we had some moments where me and my ex would just go and be a couple and have dates but my ex didn't want me travelling that far alone so invited my roommate too because she didn't like the thought of me flying 11hours alone or being in airports alone so my roommate came with me and we had a great time Awwh good I'm glad it was such a nice place and that you didn't worry about violence all the time but I'm so sorry you ever had to worry about that anyway that can't be easy. I would honestly love to live in Canada I really hope I get chance one day... I'm glad you're loving Portugal but sorry people are judgemental there but I am glad it's easy for you to travel around to other places... oh yeah every place has it's pros and cons I mean England has some pros but it sure has a lot of cons too so I know all about that Yeah America is SO big but I do want to get around all 50 states at some point and I am stubborn enough and determined enough to make it happen eventually even if I don't get around them all until I'm like 70 I'll make it happen haha!! No I haven't read that fic but it sounds amazing so I'll definitely check it out thank you for sending me the link Yeah... that really happened to me and it was just a dumb moment where I had this momentary lapse of knowledge in my brain and now I look back at that question and I'm just like... "you idiot" and this is why people are shocked when I get questions in quizzes right because I have said some really dumb stuff but I'm glad people found it funny and endearing... and I'm glad it makes it better to know I really said that haha Oooo I didn't know that, I like that and I think it's definitely fitting for me!! I think from what you've said about what ENFP-T means Dani could easily be that too and I don't know anything about the other one but I will take your word for it matching Dani because you know way more about this stuff than I do. I have no idea for Jamie though. And with zodiac signs I love that Amelia looked at Jamie and thought she was an Aries, as for Dani I have NO idea what her zodiac would be... in CBML she's a Leo but in MoU with what I have planned for her birthday she'd be a virgo but I don't know anything about zodiacs... all I know is all the pieces I've ever met have been the opposite of what Dani is so maybe that has something to do with their whole charts but I know a lot of other people always make her a Pieces and I trust what other people say about zodiacs more than what I know about them because I really know NOTHING about them haha Nah I knew it was a road sign because of how heavy and hard it was- nah we have no bears where I live... I don't think we have many dangerous animals where I live... got a couple of badgers that can be pretty aggressive but that's about it we don't have much that is scary here or at least not in the little part of England I live. Having life threatening health issues has been hard and since having my spleen removed in January (that was the surgery I needed to try and fix the issue I had) things are even harder now because I have to take antibiotics for the rest of my life to stop me getting any infections because if I ever get a chest infection now or a really bad cold it can be really dangerous but I take it all in my stride and not drinking is just a way to make sure the antibiotics actually work properly and to make sure nothing happens to me... and like you said, means I don't do anything dumb too... haha drunken stories are the best I have been lost a few times when I've been drunk... and I don't think you do learn, I have siblings that are

like 40 and still do dumb shit... I know at 27 I am still doing dumb shit too I don't think I'll ever learn haha 😂 Its such an emotional roller coaster and honestly I was just devastated the first time I watched it... no TV show or movie has ever made me cry the way Bly Manor did when I first saw it and it still makes me cry now. I can cry just thinking about that last episode. I definitely mean it in a friendly way so I hope it comes across like that. Yeah the accent in Billy Elliot is a Geordie accent and its my favourite accent there are other accents around the north that are called different things. Yeah Lancashire is a county and again in Lancashire there are loads of different accents I can't really pinpoint Jamie's down to a city I just know it's Northern. I'm from Yorkshire but don't have a strong Yorkshire accent I just have a Northern accent, like people never believe I'm from the place I'm from because I don't sound like I am but you can definitely tell I'm northern... honestly there are so many accents in England... you can drive for two hours in any direction in England and the accent will change like two times at least it's insane... see a lot of people say that but I am not a HUGE fan of the northern accent and I think it's because I grew up there. I much prefer Dani's accent to Jamie's but like I said to me, Jamie just talks normal there is no accent really haha Yeah 4k words for it but it's all jumbled up it's not like a chronological story yet it's just all over the place haha but I hope I can get it all structured properly soon!! Awwh good I'm glad you're already interested in this medieval AU!! That makes sense you're resisting creating for it but I think it's so cool you did a face study for Dani and Jamie even if you didn't wanna finish it I think letting things cook for a while is always a good idea if you're not in the right headspace right away I had such a good weekend but I am so tired and today I had a busy day too celebrating my roommate's boyfriend's birthday so I've had so many days that have been so busy and right now I am just really to sleep haha!! Yeah definitely don't have favourites but I have spent more time with one of my nieces than the others simply because I always look after her if her mum and dad are working and I'm not... like until I start this new job I am looking after her for an hour every day after school while she waits for her mum and dad to finish work but I don't have favourites haha!! Thank you so much I hope you had a great weekend and that you have a great week too!!

[quelsentiment]

hi pal!! im sorry it's been a while since you've heard from me - this week got super busy with school & work and i've just been exhausted haha. yay for it being friday now! im bummed that the 2nd message i sent you last time didn't go through but at least i noticed and sent you a summary! how sad would it have been otherwise if you just got the first one sdfsfsdf why is tumblr the worst. I don't have tattoos so honestly im totally unqualified to be writing this au HAHA (1/?)

but i got so excited about the au that i wanted to go for it anyways! and i did watch a lot of tattoo related youtube videos haha. you're spot on about the fic being angsty but im reaching the end now so i'll be writing a lottt of fluff coming up hahaha. i'm so indecisive that im scared of the commitment of getting a tattoo more than the tattoo-getting process itself. but i guess im also sort of a baby when it comes to pain so there's multiple reasons lol! oooh halfway through is GREAT progress on your big bang! thats awesome! you've definitely got this. I have posted some other fics! i had to go check my ao3 to remember haha but ive got 9 works posted :) i've def been around for a while but only really gotten into writing later on. I think i officially joined the fandom in like...2012? wow, that feels like SO long ago now that i'm thinking back on it hahaha. eep! what about you? tbh i think having gotten into fic and writing is one of the main reasons im still around. im a TA too! thats so cool haha! this week is our last week of classes and finals are next week so its been sort of crazy. i taught my last class of the quarter on wed and its so weird to be done. this was my first time ever TAing but i really loved it! how has ur experience TAing been?? im in a phd program in biology/computer science (like sort of combining the two?) so thats what im studying! winter break is coming but i'll still have to work in my research lab, so its not much of a break but i wont have teaching or classes and plus i'll get a real break during christmas & new years! we're locked down again too but our rules for this time's lockdown have been very vague and confusing dsfsdfsd. but officially yes, same here! ive been in the habit of staying in anyways so it hasnt affected me too much hahaha. anyways that was a ton of messages but maybe that helps make up for being gone for a bit too? hope you're doing well & happy friday! any weekend plans? take care! -S xx

hi pal 💕

tumblr is The Worst™ (this time one of your messages came in four times 🤪)

but anyway, it’s nice to hear from you!! and don’t worry if you can’t make it every day, i know it’s a busy time with the end of term and all

oooh angst and fluff, aka the best combo!! it’s gonna be amazing i’m sure! and yeah, i think it’s the same for me, the pain doesn’t scare me that much, but it’s definitely a big commitment, so i don’t know if i’ll ever go through with it... what design(s) do you have in mind?

thanks so much! yeah i feel pretty good about it, i’m writing the majority of it in writing sessions with a friend, and that’s definitely helping with motivation! also i’ll get matched with an artist very soon, and i’m SO excited 😌

oh wow you’re almost an og fan 😳 the things you must have seen jsksjksj but yeah i totally get what you say about writing being the main reason why you’re still here. i only joined at the beginning of the year, but tbh if i hadn’t got into writing and also met a lot of friends here, i don’t know if i’d still be here, or just as a casual fan i guess

oh, what are your all-time favourite fics then? 👀

that’s so cool you’re a ta too, and that’s great you’re liking it so far! i never had to teach, most of what i do is marking and assisting in zoom classes, so it’s pretty laid-back. i’d love to try out teaching though, but it must be nerve-wracking, at least until you get used to it 😅 oh, biology/computer science sounds like a fascinating combo! at what stage of your phd are you? i’m currently finishing up my masters in linguistics. i might do a phd some time in the future, but it also sounds like a crazy amount of work, so idk... plus i have mixed feelings about making a career in academia 😐 did you start your phd right after finishing your previous degree, or did you take a break from studying at some point? oh and a research lab!! i was working at one too until i moved back here, i miss it 😌 idk how yours is, but mine definitely felt like home! it’s still nice you’ll get a break for the holidays though. do you have any plans?

hehe same here, they keep changing the rules about lockdown, but i also tend to stay home anyway, so i can’t say my life has changed that much this year 😬 as long as i’m allowed to take walks outside, i’m good

as for this weekend, my plan is: 1. getting ready for louis’ concert, 2. losing my shit during at louis’ concert, 3. recovering from louis’ concert (with some writing and cleaning and walking in between lmao) what about you? are you gonna be able to attend the concert? 

thanks so much for your messages, it’s really lovely to get to know you 💕 hope you have a good weekend!

[lionheartedqlf]

text || Faberry

R: [233AM] It was easy to forget.

Q: [300AM] I'm sorry.

R: It doesn’t matter now.

R: How was dinner?

Q: It does to me.

Q: It was good. I guess.

R: Okay. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Q:Can I ask why you still wear it, or is that something better left alone?

R: I love you.

R: That’s why. It’s the only thing I have left of you.

Q: Oh.

R: If it makes you uncomfortable I can throw them away.

Q: DON'T

R: Ok

Q: Sorry. That wasn't supposed to be in all caps. And I'm sorry for the voice I took with you earlier too. It just slipped out because I still hate hearing you talk about yourself like that. But I know that's not my place anymore and I need to remember that. Because that won't be my place until I've made up for so much more than I think even you know.

R: I was saying what feels like the truth.

R: You wouldn’t have taken that tone with me in the first place had you believed it wasn’t warranted.

R: We can go back and forth all day on who hurt the other more.

R: I think we’re not meant to go there.

Q: I still do not have your consent to dom you and that is what I am apologizing for. Because we both know what that tone means and I am not your dom, you are not my sub, and as such I was out of line. For which, I am sorry.

R: I accept your apology.

R: Like I suggested, I can just throw them away.

R: It’s clear I’m holding onto them and I shouldn’t be.

Q: I don't want you to throw them away. You can if you feel you need to, but believe me, it is not what I want. But whether you know it or not, I was a bad dom to you. And until I can sit down and explain to you why I feel this, until I can apologize to you and make amends, I do not even remotely deserve to have you associate me with such. But that does not mean that, when all is said and done, I do not wish to be given a second chance.

R: I was bad to you in general. I’m trying to be better.

Q: I wasn't good for either of us and maybe you weren't either, but at least we're both working on it, apart.

Q: I hate to admit it, and if you ever tell them I said this I will purposefully buy a sheet of gold star stickers and burn it JUST to send the video of it to you, but your dads were right, to do what they did with us. To interfere.

R: That was not a very nice thing to say!

R: I’m going to plead the fifth.

Q: But you get my point, which is what counts.

Q: It's just something I personally feel, though pleading the 5th ONLY protects you from self-incrimination so... things to consider.

R: I’m not sure I could incriminate myself more than I already have. I’ve been doing nothing but owning up to my failures and mistakes.

R: They didn’t have to make you leave me.

Q: You and me both. You and me both.

Q: Yeah, they did. NOt because of you, but because of me.

R: I don’t know what to say to that.

R: I should be sleeping but I can’t stop thinking about you.

Q: I'll explain later, it makes more sense in context of everything I know now.

Q: I should also be sleeping, but not sleeping because I'm thinking about you is common.

R: Fine.

R: I know that feeling.

Q: Believe me, it's not the kind of conversation one can have over text. OR so says my sponsor...

Q: Would me not texting you help?

R: I’m not asking you to text me anything. I was simply complying.

R: I just found out for myself you’re actually alive. I don’t know what I want right now.

Q: I know, but I've learned telling people the reminders I need to keep for myself is helpful in actually getting them to stick. Accountability and all that. Still not that great with it.

Q: Okay. Well, I'll be here, if you still want to text.

R: I get it. I try and do the same.

R: There’s no such thing as great

Q: Yeah but saying "not that great" is better than "completely terrible" so... little things.

R: You’re right. Thanks.

R: Little things turn into big things to be proud of most of the time!

Q: Yeah, they do. Doesn't matter how big the step is, as long as you're making it in the right direction.

Q: Which is why "12 step program" is a misnomer

R: Seems misleading and stressful

Q: I mean, it's 12 sets of things you should do but it's more like floors of a building and each stairwell is located in a different place on each floor, cos each individual "step" tends to have a lot of little parts and then you have to navigate from the end of that "step" to the next one and it's not always the easiest thing to do.

Q: So, yeah, it can be stressful.

R: So it’s not really 12 steps?

Q: It's like those math questions with like parts a through f or whatever. It also isn't the best system as it's highly biased and religious but I like parts of it.

R: Sounds frustrating. To me anyways.

R: That’s all that matters though, that you like it.

Q: My sponsor is cool. He only abides by the idea of knowing you've got problems, doing what needs doing to help yourself heal, and making amends to those you hurt along the way, and then working to keep from backsliding and if you do, knowing how to move forward from that. It's less stressful and more open minded.

R: Sounds like exactly what you need.

Q: It is

R: How was the day?

Q: Lazy, mostly. Yours?

R: What does lazy mean to you?

R: Busy but in a good way

Q: Video games, some reading, music, a trip to the gym. And now Netflix with my cat.

Q: That's good.

R: I knew it wasn’t actually lazy.

Q: I don't know how to do proper lazy since getting clean. So, I improvise.

R: I like it.

Q: It's nice. I actually do Zumba, keeps me from overdoing it at the gym. It's fun, but I'm the only guy.

R: I do yoga for that reason.

R: It sounds fun though. I’m sure all the girls stare at you.

Q: The scars tend to scare them off.

R: Right.

Q: It's the kind of honesty that makes people uncomfortable.

R: I understand to some extent.

R: I’m sorry.

Q: Nothing to be sorry for.

R: Is the music fun?

Q: Usually, yeah. If we're talking about Zumba still.

R: We are. I am I mean!

Q: I mean, that's not to say I don't find the music I spend my free time playing not fun, but just wanted to be sure.

R: I’d hope what you do in your free time is fun!

R: I started taking singing lessons again.

Q: Sometimes it's more for catharsis than fun, but usually... I have a banjo now.

Q: Really?!

R: A banjo? What for?

R: Yes really.

Q: To play.

Q: I'm really glad to hear that.

R: That sounds fun!

Q: It is. I've even started singing again myself...

R: I’m so happy to hear that!!

Q: I sound nothing like I used to but... I'm not terrible, at least?

R: I hope to hear one day!

Q: I hope so too.

R: Really??

Q: Yeah, really.

R: That makes me really happy.

Q: Maybe next weekend we can do something?

R: I know of a place that does karaoke? That sort of something?

Q: As long as it doesn't get me near alcohol or drugs I'm down for anything. Just as long as you want to.

R: Hmm.

R: I’d like to see you. I would love to have you as my friend.

Q: We could meet in Central Park, talk a walk through the Shakespeare Garden? Something nice, public, and lacks any sort of pressure to come or leave together.

R: You always know the answer 🙂

R: Sounds perfect.

Q: I definitely don't, but I do have my moments.

Q: Saturday then?

R: Often with me

R: It’s a date!

Q: I look forward to it. I've missed you.

R: I’ve missed you too.

R: A lot

Q: If Saturday goes well, maybe we can figure out when will be best for me to apologize and explain myself. I don't want us to get too far into friendship and then blow it all apart because of that. If that makes sense.

R: Right.

R: I think that we should maybe talk first.

Q: And we can, if that's what you want. I just figured- we've only seen each other once in public since then and I worry about what happens if the second time we interact is in private, as the talk will need to be. Y'know?

R: What do you mean?

R: I’m not sure I can have fun with you before hashing out all the yucky stuff.

R: I dong think I’d like the fun being taken away.

Q: I don't know if I trust myself to be emotionally vulnerable with you in private and not do something I'll regret in the process, yet. I feel like I need more time to build up the right defenses for myself and I can only do that by being in public with you. I don't even know if that makes sense, but... I'm scared of slipping into old habits because of what we need to talk about.

Q: But if you don't want that I can figure something else out. Maybe you can plan to come by a couple nights this week just in case I can't do it all at once and then if you still want to be around me we already have plans for Saturday?

R: It doesn’t have to make sense to me.

R: I need to respect that. And I will. Saturday is fine.

R: Thank you for telling me.

Q: I... thank you.

Q: How about this. We do Saturday in the park and because Monday is labor day, we do something small together in public and then come back to my place (should we both feel ready) and have that talk?

R: That’s as long as Saturday goes well 😛

R: I can commit to that.

Q: Yes, but that was stated earlier so I wasn't going to repeat myself.

Q: Thank you, for even considering the idea of allowing me the opportunity to do this.

R: I want to know you again.

Q: I want to know you too