#anyway im also out of my anxiety meds so i am feeling a . a whole lot rn

[hollypies]

just noticed that Hollow Cells has gotten over 1000 reads. Wtf . How. How has this happened I am genuinely like. Baffled. I'm really flattered hat that many people have read it im judt !! Having a hard time comprehending it I think !! Like!!woah!!

If you're one of the ppl who read it thanks it really. I've worked hard on it so far, and it takes a long time to write and edit due to my adhd and such. I've alwasy wanted to write and this has been super fun for me, and the fact so many ppl have seen it and a few have liked it is just!! Making me feel things!

[mugiwara--ya]

heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!

[rianafying]

hello diary i’m back idk what is happening or why i ever feel what i feel, but here goes nothing

i’ve been feeling very creative today, had a terrible morning woke up insanely dehydrated, could barely move, my arthritis and psoriasis had flared up as well, i had to cancel my gig but they’re fine, they had other people on board. i don’t really feel like i missed out because i literally couldn’t have gone and needed to stay home and rehydrate, plus it’s like 37 degrees outside, i’ll stay home thanks. anyway, so i got some much needed rest and i ate and drank loads of water and i feel replenished now and i feel hopeful and creative and i wish i could’ve just started something, a project or whatever. but i have no many chores standing firmly between me and what i actually want to do. will is a terribly difficult thing to conjure. i had a telehealth appointment to get diagnosed w adhd in melbourne so i can access the necessary treatment, but they’re telling me it’ll be at least $800 and at least 4 sessions to just get diagnosed. and that to me is a huge undertaking. i told them ill think about it but what is there to think of, i know fully well i cant afford it. i wish i had an ipad to draw on. ive been wanting to draw something for ages and i could draw on my physical sketch book but i just haven’t? i just cant? its the guilt from all the chores i haven’t done. there’s a proper inspection due in 4 days and i just know it’s going to cripple me with anxiety as the date comes closer. there’s so much stuff that i want to do. and yet i do nothing. i’m not doing even 1% of everything i want to do, because im stuck doing 100% of the things i hate but have to do. when im older, i hope i get permanent residency in australia or any other first world country, i wish i have a safe and permanent place to live, regardless of size or quality. i wish i have someone who can help me with the tasks i struggle with and i can help them with tasks they struggle with and if we both struggle at the same things, we’ll understand each other, we can struggle and learn together. hopefully this will not be a romantic partner because i don’t think my brain is hardwired to deal with matters of the heart in a stable way. i hope that by the time i feel safe, the children of gaza feel safe too. i hope we win. i thought of them when i got dehydrated and worried that ill get a uti, i thought about how much worse they have it. i think of them all the time but especially when im suffering and im reminded that they have it many folds worse. i try to derive hope, strength, and gratitude from that instead of helplessness, and powerlessness.

i haven’t been able to take out the trash and get rid of my dead plants and they’re starting to attract bugs and i really need to do that today, i’ve been saying that everyday, it’ll just take seconds. i also am very close to having $0 in my account because i had to buy some meds and i found some vitamins for half price and decided to buy a whole buttload of them #forhealthiguess also its SO HOT. and im trying to avoid turning on my air conditioner because my electricity bill last month was $140??? like why? it’s a crazy world out here. crazy expensive. for the millionth time, i really should get a real job soon. or try to. i doubt i’ll ever have enough to be independent. i fear i’ll always be at the mercy of my parents. i fear i’ll heal too slow to keep up with the damage.

all day i did nothing. that’s not true, i went grocery shopping and i made meatballs, and spaghetti and it turned out great. the one thing i always cook successfully is any kind of pasta, never fails. i feel 50% guilty for not doing anything important today. such as taking out the trash, cleaning my room, etc. it’s the one thing i hate doing: house chores. makes me wanna scream, cry and throw up. i made a mistake, last night i accidentally left my earphones on the couch at reception downstairs and hadn’t even realised until earlier today when i was leaving the building and saw it on the couch. i feel so relieved that i live in a place where nobody stole it all day. part of me feels like i don’t deserve to live so well. because for nearly a year, i have been living wonderfully, everything’s going so well, and all my demons are inside of my own head. this is new for me. there’s no actual threat, i think. still feels like there is. i’m less overwhelmed than usual, but still pretty overwhelmed. there’s always too many ideas and not enough ability to implement them. how do i feel chaos and clarity simultaneously. i just need a break from this mental torment. i think getting my apartment clean will definitely help with that. but it’s such a big task, even thinking about it makes me fall to my bed and start to rot. suddenly i find that my body won’t move. adhd sounds like it’s so quirky and funny until you’re surrounded with piles of garbage and flying insects and there is a mysterious sticky brown patch underneath the fridge that just will not move. until there’s no space to walk from one end of the room to the other without stepping on and crushing things underneath my feet. it feels as if my brain has acquired an endless supply of shame and guilt. i will probably not feel focused until my room is actually clean. clean enough to be inspected. clean enough to maybe even have visitors. i get anxious just thinking about the prospect.

[moonjxsung]

hi star!

i know things have been super tough, i’m glad you’re doing what you can to manage them. just know that we all love you sm!! anddddd you’re going to see jisung for the third time ever!! how exciting!! did you see that skz are performing on the second day (friday, i think?). i saw the lineup and i think imma literally just wait for them all day bc im crazy😩

i’ve had the weirdest few days. i’m not used to ✨socializing✨ and i was busy for the whole weekend. and i’m now in like one of the biggest crisis of my life probs. and it’s like so many layers deep. i’m really really stressed so i had to get back on my anxiety meds. anyways, im really dissatisfied with where i am in life rn and im literally hanging on by a thread (the thread is seeing skz for the first time ever)! ! !

ilysm bb we are def hugging and kissing and watching studio ghibli movies! i hope you have such a good week!! 😘

-🐈‍⬛

I LOVE U BBY RAHHHHHH THANK U 💘💖💕💓🩷💞

I did see that they’re performing on the 2nd day!!!!!!! That actually works out SO perfectly I’m also going to just wait around for them all day (sooo sorry to the other concert goers in advance I know they hate when kpop fans pull that shit but it’s skz we’re talking about💔)

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough week though oh my god :( why do I feel like everyone’s just going through it!!!! So so so sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time coping with this crisis my angel, please know that I’m here for you if it helps to talk about it, and if not just remember I’m around if you ever want to talk about something to distract yourself or you need any form of support or ANYTHING at all. Remember to eat and stay hydrated and take your meds, take care of yourself and get lots of sleep if you’re able to (naps heal everything I’m so sure) I love you so much :( counting down until August at LEAST we have that much to look forward to !

ILY bby we’re hugging and kissing and watching spirited away and I’m feeding u lots of ice cream 🫶 sending you all my love sweet angel and manifesting all the very best for u always 💖💕💞💘🩷💓 let me know if there’s anything I can do to help 🫶

[khodorkovskaya]

05.09.23

okay so... deep breath...

im barely hanging on you guys. like. i am under so much stress.

so basically i had two exams to retake: probability and functional analysis. and it's the only ones i have left to complete my degree. but, here's the fun little twist! if i don't pass im out! i only have one chance to pass them. and if i don't, thats 4 years of studying down the drain. fun fun fun!!!!!

so the first exam was on the 28th and it was really hard. i studied a lot, made flashcards and everything. and it was like impossibly hard. the thing is, this was a yearly class, so the overall grade is the average of two semesters. i got a 4.5 for the 2nd semester, so i only need 3.25 to pass the year. but the exam was so hard idek if i got 3.25... the prof said that if we only fill out the theory questions, that's a 4. the theory questions counted up to 8 points, so like if i get 8 points overall, that's a pass. but guys... im so scared...

so ive been freaking out a lot. and taking anxiety meds. and when i think about this exam i feel this FEAR in all caps. like. it's so bad. i can't sleep, i can't do anything, my skin is breaking out, it's hell.

then the second exam was on the 4th, so yesterday. and i was this close to losing it like the pressure was too much to handle. i burst out crying right before the exam but i managed to calm down. and tbh i think i'll pass this one. it was also quite difficult but i think i did okay. but still. the FEAR...

like i can't even describe it to you guys. i don't know if i'll even be able to have the courage to open my grades when they arrive. like i went on the university portal yesterday and my hands started shaking and i like had to crouch down bc my whole body became so weak i couldn't stand. it was terrifying.

so yeah... im really not having a good time right now.

in other news, okay, so i wanted to find a video in my whatsapp messages. so i went to "media" and started scrolling and i stumbled upon some things B and i had sent to each other back in the day. and i saw his new profile picture and.... he's in budva.

and okay first of all call me fucking geoguesser. bc the picture is just a selfie of him standing in front of a mountain. and i knew it was budva just from the shape of the mountain alone. and his head in blocking most of the mountain too but i still knew that it was budva right away.

then out of curiosity i checked his telegram profile picture and it's him in the old town sitting on a boulder like the thinker. again, i knew it was budva right away lol. and it's funny bc i saw that he deleted all of our telegram messages. all of them! i wonder when he did it. and why.

and also it hurt bc budva is MINE. like when lucien went to budva i was super jealous. but like whatever, it's a touristy destination, it doesn't matter. but it's strange that B went there. i mean we have so many memories there together. it's like if i went to sarajevo all of a sudden. and i wonder who he went with. his friend from belgrade? his new gonzesse lol? anyway, yeah.

another weird thing is that okay my zurich friend was in town and he asked to hang out and i had to decline bc i was studying for the exam. and then i saw on instagram that he posted this one song to his story. and the story itself was weird, my oxford bestie sent it to me like "what is this? why is he so weird?". it was basically like a blurry photo of a dimly lit street but like whatever artsy.

but yeah, it gave me whiplash because i had posted this exact song to my story exactly a year ago. day for day. like isn't that a weird coincidence.

and usually you know how im very obsessive especially when it comes to music. like if i like a song i listed to it on repeat non stop for days. and because of that a lot of the music i listen to is linked to a certain period of my life. so the song my zurich friend posted is the song of me breaking up with B. that's why it stood out to me so much. it's so strange...

[bonesandthebees]

Ider if i told u but i got my wisdom teeth removed today and that shit was the worst experience of my life ohmygod

The actual procedure went okay, though like i took an anti anxiety med that was supposed to knock me out but i was Fully Conscious LMFAO AND SO I ASKED THEM TO GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE BUT THEY WERE LIKE "naur bro ur fine" BC I WSNT FREAKING OUT A TON DJFKGKF WHICH I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR (tho it turned out to be a good thing bc those meds ended up making me . Hashtag emetophobia tw ifykwim)

BUT YEAH THE RECOVERY PROCESS WAS SHITTTT THEY TOLD ME I COULD TAKE OUT THE GAUZE IN 2 HRS AND SLEEP BC I WAS VERY TIRED BUT NOOOO IT WOUKDNT HEALLL FOR A WHOLE SIX ASS HOURS

Ahem sorry for yelling i was just very . Upset bc i wanted to sleep or even just drink fucking water man

BUT I DIDDD EVENTUALLY I DIDD WE REJOICEEE i think there was still a little bit of blood but i couldnt taste it anymore and i was really thirsty so shfkfkf and food (literally just broth lmao) made me feel a lot better so that's good

But yeah . -1100000 experience i would literally never recommend it (unless u have to, also from who I've talked to almost everyone else has had a better experience than me so if u are scared, do not worry king it won't be that bad. And even if it is like me, im here!! And alive!! And the nausea wasnt that bad, it kinda just came and went. Much better than migraines bro fr, migraines suck BALLS)

Like everyone kept telling me to watch a movie but that was stressing me out so what i ended up doing wss putting on a podfic (passerine podcast on yt woot woot, i listened to change fate by sircantus) and man it's actually wild how much it helped me. It helped calm my anxiety AND distract me from the pain. Once i did that existing felt less like suffering and more like an annoyance ahahah

OUGH I DIDNT EVEN GET ANY SILLY GOOFY MOMENTS EITHER BC I WASNT LOOPY AT ALL JUST TIRED DHFJFK

Anyways ty for letting me get that out of my system LMAOO

oh man this sounds literally horrible I'm so sorry icy 😭 that sucks that you weren't able to knock out even a little bit but at least the procedure itself wasn't horrible

god that sounds terrible though just sitting there for 6 hours waiting to be able to take the gauze out. that's so strange that it took so long. but at least you were able to listen to passerine podcast that's nice!!

everyone I know whose gotten their wisdom teeth removed had a better experience than this I am so sorry you got so unlucky.

I'm very grateful that I'm never gonna have to get my wisdom teeth removed. I had soooo much horribly painful dental work done to my mouth throughout my entire teen years that I now genuinely get bad anxiety anytime I'm in a dentist office even if I'm not there for myself, I straight up was getting anxious when I took my grandma there for a cleaning the other day 😭 and I keep putting off a recommended (minor) procedure bc of this anxiety it's badddd

I hope you're feeling better now though!!

[tea-and-finalfantasy]

i really really appreciate my med prescriber but sometimes she does stuff where im just like. girl maybe Don’t LOL

like ok milk is really what i drink. juice and water give me heartburn and while i’m looking to fix that anyways, i also just like milk

i was drinking whole milk before and while i have switched to lowfat (and it’s not as thick lol like i do like it, i didn’t switch to smtn i don’t like), i think she wanted me to move away from milk for the most part bc it has sugar

she’s also mentioned how bad yogurt is, minus unflavored yogurt, bc of the sugar and i’m like.

girl this hasn’t made me switch to smtn “healthier,” this has just taken out a source of calories for me--someone who STILL can’t make meals consistently bc of adhd

like, yes i can make meals sometimes if i have something in mind but what abt weekends/days i don’t take adderall? what abt days i do take adderall and aren’t full enough for full meals but still need to eat smtn? what happens when i inevitably want a snack and know i struggle w really bad cravings/eating a lot of snacks?

like if i want to move towards a healthier lifestyle, not only is my main focus not leading a sedentary lifestyle/overcoming both the remnants of agoraphobia and executive dysfunction rather than my sugar intake through yogurt and milk, i’d rather want a snack and have fruit yogurt!

like making the swap of ice cream for fruity yogurt some of the time is better than forgoing fruit yogurt, eating the ice cream every time, and still not getting needed calories through milk and yogurt as opposed to just snacks

having fruit yogurt (and i also like having granola bars on hand for this purpose) around for a snack is a million times better than having like. cake and ice cream every time i want a snack. like yes i will also make time for cake and ice cream but i know what my cravings are like and if i can eat other things i also want, it’d be nice to do that!

she did make an offhand comment abt only needing 1500 calories a day and i’m like. 1 not only can u not make blanket statements abt that shit bc ppl just have so many different lifestyles and needs but like ??? 2 that is literally not my concern, rn or ever 3 i am not calorie counting bc i will have anxiety over it and/or make it some sort of game not to eat 4 it’s fucking based on if i feel i need more fucking energy during the day. if i’m hungry, i’m eating. even if it’s cravings based, i’d just sometimes swap one item for another, not even every time, bc i don’t feel able to sate it with anything but eating

plus unflavored yogurt literally tastes like puke and yeah i’ve been using it in baked goods to get the protein but like i am not eating that shit plain or cutting up my own fruit to put in it--something i don’t have the energy for anyways

like girl my concern is becoming more active, not policing my milk and yogurt intake lol

plus i just had a yogurt and went “that was nice!” like ??? i want that shit around the house stat. like again i wanna reiterate that i’m not going to not allow myself ice cream but it’d be nice to not rely on certain kinds of snacks all the time + becoming active is the most important thing

[junosartsthetic]

long rant ahead containing talk of disability, anxiety, suicidal ideation, depression, medication, therapy, family issues, and weight/food. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere and i dont have any rl friends to talk to so im throwing my problems onto yall. Apologies. Please do not think you have to read this or force yourself if you are uncomfortable. Ill probably delete later anyway. I just need to get all of my thoughts on the table in one place. 

Alright so I have a disorder called POTS, right? basically long story short my blood pressure gets all wack and causes a variety of symptoms. Now, these symptoms can come and go pretty quickly or linger for weeks or months at a time. But of course lately I’ve been feeling like shit almost every day and I hurt all the time and my body aches and head aches and its all in all just a not fun situation. Well, thats not the only shit on my list. Not only am i constantly lightheaded, dizzy, and super brain fogged all the time, but im 99% sure my anxiety meds are not working anymore. Ive been on them for a few years now and they have helped a lot but it seems like theyre not doing anything anymore. I have also been dealing with a lot of new stressors from work to school to my physical health and its also not helping my anxiety. So maybe thats why i feel like they’re not working but im not sure. of course, my depression is also kicking in because its turning winter and that means cold and dark and basically not good for my mental state. I also am on a bunch of meds on the moment to take care of different things i have so maybe the meds are interacting with each other. also, my weight and food intake have been all over the fucking place lately because these new meds im taking for my stomach issues. and now im hungry all the time but also feel sick because my heart burn is always flaring up and half the time i vomit up what i eat because of how bad it is. its just a whole mess honestly and if i seem off this is why. im trying to make appointments with my doctors to get myself better but its hard trying to work around my schedule at the moment. hopefully i get better and get past this current state im in but honestly im struggling. My grades arent the best at the moment and im also falling into the habit of sleeping way too much and staying in bed all day which is terrible for my POTS but also i cant help it because I feel like shit all the time. its just a cycle rn and i really really want to get out of it so bad. honestly i think i have bipolar depression instead of generalized depression because of the mood swings ive been having lately. it could also be med stuff or something im honestly not sure. a part of me wants to completely stop taking all of my meds to reset my body but obviously what would be terrible but also im at the point where i feel just awful all the time and want to feel better and not have all this shit wrong with me. im only 19 and yet i feel like im 90 with all of the issues i have. i cant do any of the things i want to do because i either feel too dizzy to do them or too depressed. and ive tried therapy but that didn’t help in the slightest, and in fact made it worse because she was a shit therapist, but i know people have said it helps for them but im too scared from that last experience. and i really dont have anybody to talk to about this because my family is understanding but not really supportive in the way that i need, nor do they listen when i voice my concerns. and my s/o is away in college and we dont talk much anymore. and i didnt stay in contact with any of my high school friends nor do i really have anyone in college because im too introverted to talk to anyone so i really just feel abandoned and alone at the moment. and it sucks. and ive resorted to pushing my problems on the internet in a selfish attempt to, idk. get sympathy? maybe magically get cured from my issues with words? i honestly dont know. i just dont really know what else to do at the moment. i feel trapped in my own body. and it sucks. and i dont want anyone to take this like im suicidal because im not. i was at one point but thats not what i want for myself now. I have pets to take care of. and lord knows my family wouldnt care about my reptiles if i wasnt here to take care of them. im just stuck in a rut. thats all. and i dont really know what to do about it. so long story short im hanging in there and tumblr is one of the few places i honestly get happiness from. so thank yall for being here because i appreciate it. but if i dont post often or spam or basically do anything thats out of the ordinary its because im trying to work through shit atm. so yeah. that’s about it.  

:)

[per1shed]

Hey angel I started uni last week and I got sm anxiety still, everything's new and I can't never fit anywhere at least I feel that way, plus I started later so majority of the classmates are two yrs younger and tbh I can tell because I would have the same mentality as them back then and I feel a bit wiser or idk just the stuff they talk about I am over some things 😭 and I study art education and I travel everyday I now live with my dad bc he lives 30 min away but everyday I rethink my whole life wondering if it would be better to study somewhere else etc. as this decision was not mindful and I cannot think straight when it comes to my future, I wanted to study english but didn't got in and now I am hoping something happens that'll make me think I am on the right path idk.. anyways I finally made an appointment with a psychatrist to deal with my anxiety so that's good but it's in 2 months there's many people waiting :( and my wisdom teeth is sm better it doesn't hurt me but it usually starts to on the most random and improper time.. how is your day? I'm currently on a train and didn't sleep well, how about you ❤

hey my love i’m sorry you’re going through this :( i know exactly how you’re feeling bc that’s how i felt every time i was new some where and i dropped out of a lot of situations bc of that. are there people your age from like different courses maybe? ppl that you could find during break time (idk how uni works sorry 😭). honestly im not one to tell someone to keep going when it doesn’t feel right, if you have time over the weekend maybe try to to think about what you really want and what your heart desires and how you can get there. anxiety could be the cause of feeling this way but it could also just not be the right place for you. have you also made an appointment with a psychotherapist? psychiatrist usually only describe meds and don’t really care for you as a person tbh so i hope you can see someone that you can go to regularly to talk to and teach you ways out of your anxiety. i can guarantee theres 377282 other universities and ppl go to uni at any age so if you really don’t feel it’s right for you theres always another way!! even if it means waiting for a while longer. i wish i could be there to support you bc i know how shitty it feels :( ❤️❤️❤️ as for me, im trying new meds atm and they make me feel really shit so idk if i will continue them even though they’re the only hope i have of getting a little better :(

[dellinah]

I made a new icon after 84 years bc I needed to vent I guess

It doesn't look THAT different from the old one but at least it's an anthro one which I've wanted for forever since that's usually how I imagine/portray Talita as she is literally me and unfortunately I'm a human instead of being a little fox with no care in the world LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN

But instead I'm here worrying about burnout depression and my future so if you're only here for the furry art fair enough ill keep the rant in a read more

Anyway hi

I have absolutely not been doing well these past few weeks and I'd say some moments might have been close to being some of the worst in my life but I am so jaded by previous experiences that I barely notice how bad it's affecting me until it hits me at 3am and I can't sleep and I just realized I'm in it DEEP which makes me freak out even more

Apparently my way of coping with life and issues is ignoring them until the last minute and just repress the SHIT out of it until it hits me in the face (peak 'this is fine' dog meme) and that isn't working anymore bc now I am an adult whose actions have consequences

I have so much school stuff to catch up on bc I stalled a whole month that short of spending hours on end at it for the next month I don't see how I can catch up in time but my mental health does not allow that as I have been sleeping 15 hours a day and staying up all night and I am scared shitless of not making it bc I'm supposed to graduate soon so FUCK and i barely know how to start. I feel so dumb and left behind while everyone seems to have their shit put together and i canr ask for help without feeling like a parasite or like they'll judge me for it

I also have no idea what I want to do or how to go about life once I am graduated (if i graduate) and i hate it bc I am so godamn lost and I have like 2 months to figure it out

My mother has covid for the 3rd time somehow which means another wave of covid has been going on in my family but I guess I avoided that but I cant see them for a while and I also lost a 3rd person I loved and cared about to it a while back and I haven't even cried yet bc once again Im ignoring and repressing it

I had to take 2 shots at the same time for covid and influenza which knocked me out for 3 days straight and made me miss yet more school stuff and I haven't eaten an actual meal since bc I'm not awake most of the day anyway

My meds for anxiety and depression have started to have side effects after 5 or so years so fuck me i guess bc i gotta get them replaced which means a lot of trial and error and i dont have time for that rn bc once again im late as shit

I just feel like I'm falling apart and no one really knows or sees it bc I'm the one that everyone in the family goes to when there's a crisis and I kinda just wanna keep it that way but also I kinda just wanna break down sometimes too yknow but if I do then who will literally solve every problem they have bc they refuse to go to therapy and apparently nobody else can help them with anything it has to be me even when I'm busy otherwise I'm an ungrateful child

There's this weird paradox where everyone in the family sees me as immature and irresponsible and a liar but they also come to me for help and support bc GOD FORBID someone else helps them so I just dont wanna give them more reasons to see me as immature but keeping that image that everything is fine is HARD when I'm on the verge of giving up

Other than that I also have just been reflecting on past events in my life and I feel so bad about some of them. I had so many good friends that I lost bc we grew apart and I had some I lost bc I was a shitty person and I never got to apologize and I know I'll just always miss them. I was at such a good place mentally between 2013-2015 and I miss those times that I can never go back to. I was doing so well in 2018-2020 too before the pandemic wrecked it and now Im just so nostalgic for those times and I can't help but feel like I'm just gonna get worse and worse after so much lost time

But that's ok. I think it's going to be ok. I just need to kick my own ass

It's just a lot of damage control and getting over stuff even though it feels like days just pass by and I can't deal with it

So I sat down and drew this in a few hours bc I just wanted to finish something I started for once. I was happier with it before but I think it looks ok and it helped me figure out what I wanna change in my furry designs. and I guess I wanted to put myself in a sunny sunset where I'm just happy with nothing to worry about, yknow? If i cant be happy at least talita can

Hope days like that can come again soon. Problem is that it only depends on me. So... shiiiit

[datingdonovan]

bestie boo hello i have a matchup request😗😗 anyways you said you’d get to these in a few days and 1000% take your time or if you’re not doing them anymore literally ignore this because i have college finals too i know they’re literal ass. ok anyways i’m an enfp but i suppose i’m more in between intro and extroverted than anything, i’m a 2w3 and my last relationship ended because he was literally emotionally abusive and couldn’t deal with my (at the time untreated, i am now on meds) panic disorder and anxiety problems.

anyways love that’s a lot, i hope you’re taking time for yourself in between doing these, remember if you don’t get to mine i’m literally ok with that you come first always:)

a/n: omg anon this was so so sos so sos sos SWEET I hope you aced your finals and I really hope you're still around on my page bc now as finals are winding down for most people im FINALLY getting to the last few matchups <3 I'm giving you one of my TOP TIER FAVE MEN that I have just been DYING to find a match for so I really hope you like <3:):):)

oh my goodness. yeah yeah YEAH. okay wait. now that finals are over and we're not going home for a few days. i'm going out for drinks with some of my friends tomorrow night and I really really want you to come because I've got my eye on this guy you have to meet. I don't know him super super well, but my friend brought him along a few weeks ago and the moment he opened his mouth I was like, yep. he's yours. oh crap what's his name??? I think it's... akaashi

so like, the moment I knew, we were just all chatting and talking, and he'd been quiet the whole time, sorta taking everything in, but somebody said something and he made this short little quip back that was so brutal and everybody turned to him totally shocked and we were all cracking up, and then like, he laughed along but immediately reassured the other kid that he was just kidding and I swear the whole thing was literally so cute. like the entire interaction just SCREAMED something you would love. because at first he was like this quiet mysterious attractive man, and then he was actually super smart and great at the whole friendly teasing thing, but afterward he was still super sweet and like wanted to make sure that this poor kid he dug into wasn't too upset like I feel like that matches your vibes so WELL. you're fun and exciting and goofy but I think you really wanna be with someone who's a little bit opposite, a little strange and quiet that you sort of have to figure out, but who's still extremely smart and funny and has a huge brain and I swear like, I could tell he does. and you have such a giant heart and wanna be there for people and help them achieve their goals and you also wanna achieve your own goals and like, I've heard that he's the same way, really knowledgeable about how to help other people when they need support, but also pushes himself super hard to accomplish his own goals. and sometimes you're so active and hyper and caring and excitable that you get in your own head and end up burnt out or upset, and I can just tell he would know exactly how to deal with anything that came up for you like he would flip a switch and immediately be someone who can hold you and help you out of dark places, and then when you're feeling better you two can be back to wild adventures and teasing each other again. I think you'd be a really good balance because he's different enough from you that you'd never be bored and he would certainly be out of his comfort zone, which would be a cool growth experience for both of you. but you both sort of have an interior thoughtful side where you can read the room really well and care for others even at the same time as you might overthink things or really stress yourselves out. I think it would be really cool to just have each other together in that, to be with someone who knows how that feels and can help lift you out of it when you're too far in your head. ugh its like the perfect balance of fun and silly and teasing but also deep deep stable careful quiet calm love. I swear I can already imagine the loving way he'll be eyeing you all night as soon as we walk in the door. he's gonna be so in awe... so you're coming for drinks right???

[funeral-junkie]

hey guys im not feeling too well and i wanted to rant about it bc i feel like im being eaten alive with how much im struggling mentally and emotionally.

im extremely depressed and stressed and just full of anxiety and existential dread all the fucking time now and at this point all im trying to do is cope with it by ignoring it and bottling it up to go about my day trying to atleast be calm about it but really i just feel like im drowning.

i take meds, mood stabilizers anyway for bipolar 1 and this doesn't feel like a depressive episode or anything but first off this is problem #1. my psychiatric doctors always pledge that any time im feeling down it's time to increase my meds to try and force my brain into calm and honestly im insulted by it,, i always have been. they treat any situation that i actually feel anything as a call to increase my meds and essentially try to bring me down and out of whatever it is I'm going through. i just feel like i can't be a whole person to my doctor's who actually feels things like a normal person instead of everything that riles me up in one way or another is immediately tied to my bipolar and it has to be treated. im on some heavy doses of mood stabilizers and they are fine and dandy and they do usually help with how i feel if it gets to be swinging into too extreme,, and my doctors are good, i don't blame them for having a watchful eye since im known to have frequent and intense episodes, but for this it just doesn't seem to cover it and i don't know what to do since my whole life has just been meds meds meds to try and sedate anything that I feel.

one thing that stresses me out and gives me a lot of anxiety is working. im constantly going between jobs just because i also have fibromyalgia, and fibromyalgia really kicks me in the ass especially now with all my stress, and trying different jobs to see if something will stick is utterly exhausting and painful. one thing that breaks my heart about the last two jobs ive been at given that i am now unemployed since i had to quit, is that i constantly get told im not fast enough. i will literally kill myself it feels like for these jobs, and it seems that even trying my very best is not worth other people's time since everyone else's best is so much more valuable to my superiors. it just hurts me, and the idea that to get out of my toxic household, and going to university, and putting into savings for important future things, i will have to work 2 jobs whether i like it or not, whether i get so stressed out i flare up or not, because ultimately i can't afford not to work 2 jobs with how expensive things are and the idea that one job alone isn't going to cut shit and that i will have to work myself to death until i probably die is where the existential dread comes in. my bar is so low for what i view my ideal future is and i think it's embarrassing. i feel embarrassed when my dreams are supposedly just normal things to attain when to me they feel impossible. im REALLY embarrassed about my extreme buyers guilt for anything i purchase that's necessary for my health just because i should be saving and not wasting my money. it's terrible and i hate it.

ive been having this really big problem with dissociation and derealization lately too - probably tied to my depression and anxiety issues that ive been sadly going through, and it is not fun. quite frankly, it just makes me more depressed and anxious. every day seems like it passes in a blink, and honestly if something happened twenty minutes ago i wouldn't be able to remember it hardly at all since it just seems like at time i look back in it it's a blur from how fast i feel time is moving. at this point, i have absolutely zero concept of time. it feels that anything that happened didn't really happen, everything doesn't feel real when it's actually going on, and im stuck in this liminal space it feels where im not real, but the world isn't real either, so what is the middle ground? it doesn't even feel like there is one at this point.

just to throw this in there i have a severe citrus allergy and i hate that i can't drink orange juice or lemonade without going into anaphylaxis.

thank you for listening.

[lamphous]

posting this at 1 am knowing full well no one will see it due to this site's lack of algo but:

personal update under the cut, feel free to keep scrolling lol—unless you are my literal brother! robert, don't read this, it's mostly stuff u know but the rest I'll tell you tomorrow ok?)

(and uhhh general medical tw and, spoilers, cancer tw, fyi)

if you follow my fandom twit you'll already know this since that inexcpliably became my outlet for this whole thing, but I wanted to say smth here both bc I've had this blog for literally 9 years and also genuinely consider some of you friends! if you know me irl DON'T FREAK OUT tho, it's ok

(also spoons are nonexistent lmao so fyi if you dm me I love & appreciate you but v v likely won't respond)

so basically: second week of september I felt a lump in my throat. this was the second time this happened (on july 31 sometime between dinner and bed it went from nothing to visible & sore, but I could breathe and swallow fine by the time I could get a doctor's appt it had stopped hurting & gotten smaller, so I didn't go bc $$$) and it was the same spot, but things were slightly better mid sept than in july and I was able to get an in-person appointment.

ultrasound, biopsy, etc, and oct 12 I found out it was cancerous—papillary thyroid, to be specific.

anyway, I'm saying this now bc I had surgery today so I actually have like. good news to report. eh, maybe. my surgeon is very good (despite his office being in fucking,, coon rapids, the bitch interned at beth israel! also we dress. exactly the same.) but they ended up having to take the whole thing out + some lymph nodes when going in it was looking like it was gonna be just the one half, the only place they found stuff before, so I have to take meds for... the rest of my life, and also I don't have any wrinkles or creases in my neck so now I'm gonna have this super visible scar lmao

but it's gone! (for now knock on wood knock on wood) and since I moved back home for the year and am not taking classes & unemployable atm lmao I can just convalesce. this whole thing has been just... exhausting and really bad for my anxiety (like basically all my triggers lmao, things visible under skin, needles, my neck in general, choking, cancer, *stefon voice* this experience has EVERYTHING) but the waiting and the scheduling and the all of that has truly been some of the worst, so I'm glad to finally have something done about it, y'know?

THIS IS SO WORDY!!!! OOPS. tl;dr — >i have cancer >are u ok >im alright but i have cancer

(also bc I know some kind soul is going to ask abt it, with my parents help I'm probably gonna be fine, but my paypal.me/ & venmo.com/ are both mildlydiscouraging)

(if you send me ANYTHING tho I will CRY and I absolutely will not know what to say bc idk how to take money from friends & acquaintaces so I probably won't say anything, just remember your name forever) (no such qualms abt strangers tho lmao) (the forever thing's not a joke btw, I still remember the name of the person I heard say I have beautiful handwriting across the room in 5th grade. I'm a life debt sort of person.)

[assless-chapstick]

This is me sending myself an ask… because I am boredt and my teeth hurt and I want to lay in bed….

So I ask myself … how are the Couch AU boys coping with the COVID19 lockdown??? Are they ok??

Tbh I think Charles and John are taking it harder than Arthur and Javi. Like, Arthur and Javier are a little more stable, a little more mentally well/neurotypical, and while everyone is finding it hard, I think Charles and John are struggling more than average.

Charles practically lives at John and Arthurs place, so he’s locked down over there; half his stuff is over there already, and while it might be a little crowded, it’s better than him being alone at his place. He doesn’t have any roommates and he needs to have someone around to help with the anxiety and keep him on a schedule. With Arthur around, he doesn’t sink completely into a depression. Sure, he’s finding it hard to focus and stay motivated and he spends a lot more time on the couch, napping and watching jeopardy and comfort-eating, but he’s not completely vacant and spending all day in bed, forgetting to shower or eat like he might if he was alone.

Arthur has a little gym/studio in the spare bedroom where he draws and does his fuckin bowflex or whatever, and they set Charles up there so he can get some studying done and continue to attend classes online. Charles is just finishing his first year of law school and he’s like, determined not to let this whole situation fuck up his academic career, even if he’s a little worried about it all…

Arthur is going a little stir-crazy; he works at an autobody shop, and they closed for a couple weeks at the beginning so he was out of work for a while. He was all “perfect I can work on my art,” but he’s so used to being super busy working two jobs and going to the gym and shit that having so much free time has been stressful to him. He processes a lot of feelings through anger, so the punching bag on the balcony has taken some pretty rough beatings the past couple weeks…

He’s back at work now, three days a week, so he’s feeling a little better… I think his biggest concern is money, cuz with reduced hours and all the cons he was planning to sell art at being cancelled, his income is reduced, and as a teen/early 20s he struggled a lot so that really scared him… But Dutch and Hosea aren’t too bad off and they’ll help out if he or John are ever in a pinch…

I think Arthur authors/creates a queer cowboy romance webcomic, so he’s been working on that a lot… he’s finally pages ahead and has some updates queued, so if he needs to be can afford to take a break for a week or two! He’s psyched about that. His patreon profits have gone down a little, but he’s got some loyal-ass fans and they’re really helping him thru it, too, I think… and he’s made some new merch for the first time in ages, and has had time to open up more commissions… He and Charles spend a lot of afternoons in the study, listening to Arthur’s vinyls and working together in silence …

So Arthur is doing ok, and Charles is pulling through, but John is having a… really rough go. For someone who seems really chaotic, John really really thrives when he had a routine and a set schedule, and with classes being moved online or canceled, he’s really struggling to keep a routine and as a result, his mental health is suffering. It also doesn’t help that he can’t leave the house and can’t see Javi, a major source of security for him. John runs to get his frustration out, and not feeling like it’s safe to go for a run has him feeling really bad.

He and Javi FaceTime every night, but it’s not the same and John is pretty miserable. He spends a lot of time in his room, music Loud, and he stops sleeping with any sort of regularity. The stress also makes his nightmares worse, I think, so he’s spending a lot more time avoiding sleep, which definitely makes him even bitchier than he would be otherwise. That and the situation have him really snappy, so there’s some Big Fights between him and Arthur; fights over nothing, fighting just to have something to do, to just feel something, because he’s angry with the situation and the feelings and everything… He’d just started to get his life on track and here it is, all out of order again. The uncertainty and instability are really unsettling for him.

I think John’s been seeing his therapist online, but it’s not the same, and he really hates it. In the first few weeks, things were all over the place and he forgot to take his meds and stuff… when Arthur noticed something was wrong, he kind of just started gently helping John remember to do things, just gently coaxing him and reminding him to take his pills, etc…

Like Arthur starts making meal at the same time every day, and cooks for all three of them so John remembers to eat… he makes coffee and sings when he makes breakfast to wake John up, and they watch movies and play boardgames and stuff after dinner, just to keep John on a little bit of a schedule. John usually goes to bed in his own room and climbs into Arthur and Charles’ later in the night, but during this whole thing, he starts going to bed with Arthur and Charles, and that helps too...

I think eventually he gets a little more used to it, once he gets back into a routine and then he’s still having trouble, but he’s doing better…

Javi lives in college dorms, so he’s moved back to living with his mum and his sister, which sucks, but that also means he can borrow his mum’s car… so when John is feeling really bad, one day, Javi throws his guitar in the trunk and goes to John and Arthurs place and stands under the balcony and plays all the dumb joke songs he’s written for John… songs called shit like “im sorry I backwashed in your redbull, flaquita” and “youre a pendejo but I love you anyway” and that cheers them both up…

Also, John makes up little care packages and has Arthur drop them off at Javi’s!! little doodles (John’s been practicing drawing but he’s like, crazy bad, just awful) and poems (marginally better, not great), their favourite snacks, little trinkets from around the house and stuff he picks up on his runs (once he starts going on runs again), and of course, of course, cuz he’s nasty, panties that he MAYBE wore on his run, for Javi to, y’know, do with what he will…

And of course they have a lot of phone sex, especially once John pulls it together a bit… at first he kind of went AWOL and didn’t talk to anyone, let his phone go dead and stuff, but he’s doing better now and now they’re… being quarantine horny …

Javi prefers regular voice phonesex, loves to call John up and tease his girl until John whines for him to stop, ask if John is touching himself when Javi can tell by the hitch of his breath that he is… Javi loves that, but not seeing one another, John insists they do videocalls, even if Javi is a little uncomfortable…

But it leads to some… fun roleplay … John pretends to be an innocent starlet trying to make it big, and Javi is a big-time director that keeps on pushing… “you look so good on camera, babe, but maybe take the bra off, let us see how those little titties of yours look? Don’t be shy, it’s all business, just want to see… grab them for me, that’s it, now show me that ass…”

And they also play like Javi is broadcasting the video to everyone, like all his friends can see what a whore Javi’s girl is, how he can suck that dildo like it was a real cock and how desperate he is for it… they pretend Javi is advertising John as if he’s a thing for sale, like Javi is booking John’s ass by the hour…. All “cmon baby, show them how greedy your pussy is, you’re gonna take so many cocks for me tonight, you’ll be leaking cum by the time they’re done with you, you’ll be so sore but you’ll do it for me, won’t you, flaca? Til you’re rubbed raw and then I’ll slide into your wet, gaping hole…”

And of course, of course, John BIG gets off on watching Javi jerk off into the panties he sends him… Javi maybe even… sniffs them, licks them a little, cuz he misses John so bad and he loves the way John looks in the pale yellow, lacy panties he’s got wrapped around his dick, loves the idea of coming in them and then making John put them back on,…

Aaaand that’s that on that, I think!! So thanks for reading, mister, if you’re still out there somewhere. I have dental surgery tomorrow and I’m more scared than a spider in a shoe factory, so please wish me some luck and send me some non-COVID related asks, iffin you’re feeling it!!

[ineffablefool]

hiiii im back and im sorry this is so belated. anyway, though, re: when you mentioned random bouts of anxiety and that only writing, aside from certain meds, makes them go away, i've been wanting to say that really sucks and i was sad to hear that you have to deal with it. (not that you shared it, just that it happens.) just didn't want to skip over that and give the impression that ppl don't care, bc they do and wish you All The Happiness. you're a lovely person and deserve it. *offers hug*

i am, btw, glad that you've found that at least writing serves as a balm for said anxiety :P how have you been doin lately? unrelatedly, i may reread ch5 of the ghost of your past and mine and read ch6 (!!!), then come back for more rambly yelling... just to check, does getting a bunch of asks from me at once make you >:| or is it fine? i can (pretend to) be chill for half a sec and space it out if you'd likeeee - scooped cookie from scoop me a cookie

I’m probably erring too far on the side of not publicly answering stuff you’ve sent me, but I think these are okay?  I hope?  help being a human interacting with other humans is so confusing :o

Anyway, no, you’re a lovely person and deserve happiness, ha, whatcha gonna do about it.  Everyone who follows/lurks/reads this blog is a lovely person!  Take that!  (anyway don’t worry, I do not feel unloved, but I also will accept e-hugs anytime anyone wants to send)

To answer question in second half of ask and give a bit of a public update on The State Of The Fool, I am... surviving.  I think I’m going to be just surviving for the next year+, until this whole current global event is behind us.  I’m financially and physically secure, but there are a lot of things draining my mental and emotional reserves, and I never had much of those to begin with.  It is hard and there are no solutions to these particular problems, not until it’s safe to go out again and, in some cases, probably not ever.  But I’m surviving, because I gotta.

On a happier note -- send a bunch of asks if you (cookie anon or anyone) like!  Answering asks is just one of those things that sometimes I don’t have energy to do for many days at a time, so sometimes you gotta wait.  It is definitely not because I don’t like getting them.

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.