#anyway my little rant/ramble is done thank you if u read thank you if u didn’t

[bugdogg]

Post where I talk about my thoughts on what I want relationship wise cause no ones around to listen rn, I’ll probably delete this post later cause I’m a coward, warning for complaining, I complain a lot. Also uhh I like this picture I took, these flowers are very pretty, love seeing them

I hate feeling desperate, I hate having little needs that can only be fulfilled with another person, it sucks. I went through a whole thing of being someone’s caretaker, trying so hard to make them happy and thinking I could fix them despite being so messed up myself. I know how it feels to be so relied on, I don’t like being in a relationship because of it, I don’t want to feel needed but at the same time it feels nice (using a lighter word for it)

Ik neither is bad, independence and codependenc , if its balanced between the two, but I think the thing I get caught on a lot is that you don’t need one specific person, there are so many people out there why just stick with one for your entire life. It works for a lot of people and I’m happy it does but idk why it feels like it won’t work for me. I think of it like friends, I love my friends, I like being close with them and like helping them and feeling wanted as a friend. But I’m not gonna have just one friend, one person isn’t gonna meet my needs, at least that’s what it seems like.

I considered polyamory but the issue is I don’t wanna feel like I’m tied to anyone, I don’t wanna have to run my life by anyone, I wanna freely be close with multiple people and it wouldn’t bother them if I worked like that. And Ik there’s people who just hook up and all that, buddies who you may be intimate with once in a while but I don’t know how to go about it and the only real way to experience it and experiment.

“We’ll if you wanna have that then go find people who-“ I know that, Ik I should just go looking but it’s scary as hell. I’m young, inexperienced with wading through the safe and dangerous people, I have a hard time finding people like me in the first place, and I’m easily overstimulated by everything so going out to meet people is a little hard.

“Well why don’t you just use an app to hook up or something?” … idk 😐 (I’ve run out of steam lol, I keep calling myself pathetic for my wants but Ik having them doesn’t make u pathetic. I’m just hard on myself ig…)

Anywayyyy, i think I should sleep…. Cause I’m supposed to wake up in 6 hours to go paddle boarding.

Don’t fuck up ur sleep schedule like me, beee betttterrrr

[iluvshinytwink]

Trent with school smart, but emotionally/socially dumb, and a very sensitive gf and he gets frustrated with her and yells at her and she bursts out crying making him feel bad and both end up crying but with a fluff ending I love ur angsty works😩

Sensitivity - Trent Alexander-Arnold

Summary: After a harsh game where Trent wants nothing more but to hold you close and pure silence, you come to him ranting about your lesson and Trent gets frustrated and lashes out on you.

Now Playing . . . How To Disappear by Lana Del Rey

A/N: tell me why i forgot to put other players in my first introduction, anyways thank u for requesting and liking my works!!! this'll be the first time i'll post about trent so i hope u enjoy this! <33

put on some mother lana so i hope she'll bring out the angsty words from my dictionary and into this goofy oneshot 😈🤞🤞

Trent sighs to himself, his body ached of pain and his eyes drooped low. He was worn out and even though the game was done he felt his heart beating faster due to the adrenaline. He took off his shoes and all he could think about was you. Your warm body which he wanted to embrace, your soft hair which he wanted to run his fingers through, your eyes which he wanted to be lost in, your lips that curled into a smile and which he wanted to kiss senselessly, to forget everything.

He felt his chest close in, his mind thought of nothing but you. He was happy the game was over, he could drive home and run into your arms, melting into your body as you played with his dreads with a book in your hand.

Trent steps into his car, quickly turning it on, he wanted to be home as quick as possible. As he drives his mind started remembering the subtle moments he wanted to experience again tonight.

Trent had his head on your chest, eyes closed. His arms wrapped around your waist, almost protectively. With your right arm you played with his dreads, humming a tune from a song. And with your left hand was a book, reading silently. He remembers the way your chest rhythmically pumped up and down, he was lulled by your soft humming and eventually fell asleep.

He smiles at the sweet memory and continues driving.

Trent opens your front door, being met with silence. He was a bit upset that you weren't immediately there to greet him hello and maybe engulf him in a hug. He softly sighs, letting the things in his hand fall freely on the ground.

"Babe?" your boyfriend called out as he took off his shoes. No response.

His body ached by the second and gave up on the idea to search for you. He let his body freely fall into the couch, a deep sigh escaping his lips. He closed his eyes as he hoped he'd drift to sleep and when he wakes up you'd be beside him, also sleeping.

Suddenly, fast footsteps descended a flight of stairs.

"Trent!" you exclaimed. Trent immediately felt his eyes open and even though his body felt numb he sat up, there you were-- the person he craved for. "Hi--" he said but he was cut off. "Ugh! Today was such a pain in the ass!" you groaned, folding your arms together. He felt his eyes droop lower and his patience ran thin.

He loved you with all his heart, his soul, his body but he hated the fact that even though you were academically smart you were dumb with emotions and reading them in general. You would cut him off when he was upset or happy but he was fine with it. No person was perfect and he knew that but it was annoying.

Trent leaned back on the couch, staring at the ceiling as you rambled. Whatever you said was incoherent to him at this point. Trent closed his eyes, mind blank and ears seemingly closed.

"Trent?" you called out to your boyfriend. His eyes slowly opened, meeting with yours. "Are you done?" his tone sounded annoyed and bothered. "Are you okay?" you asked, a little worried at this point. "I just want silence for a while." he plainly explained, voice laced with bother. "A-- Are you sure? You seem--" you started fiddling with your fingers, you didn't know what was going on or what would happen after this. "Can you just leave me alone!?" Trent yelled. A shudder was sent through your spine, your ears rang from the volume of his voice. You were scared, emotional, and everything in between. "I--" your throat gave out all it could, all that was left. Your voice wobbled. A lump formed in the middle of your throat, your eyes stung of tears and you blinked rapidly to scare it away.

"What? What else do you want to say?" Trent stood up. You instinctively stumbled back, eyes glued on the ground. "What else!?" his voice was louder than it was before. You felt yourself flinch at his voice. The voice you once craved to hear, the voice that made you feel calm, loved-- scared you.

Trent feels a heavy sigh escape his lips which felt like more of a groan out of annoyance. Trent turned his back on you, collecting his patience back. Trent mumbled things under his breath. With his mumbling you heard: "Why are you like this?" You felt angry, sad, and somewhat betrayed. Your eyes stayed on the ground, you held your breath for several minutes, afraid that if you open your mouth a strained whimper would escape your lips.

Trent turns to look back at you, finally seeing your head hung low, hand fiddling with each other. Trent stayed silent, his mouth open, his throat preparing for something to say.

Then, he sees a tear fall into the ground. He felt his chest close up, his world stopped and his heart broke. Were those tears? Your tears? Did he make you feel the need to cry?

"Y/n?" his voice was low, shaky. His feet slowly approaching you but you back away. Were you scared of him? "Babe..?" his voice came out a desperate call, a whisper. Your teeth gritted against each other and a hic came from your mouth. With that, he felt another piece of his heart break away.

Even so, he kept nearing you and every time he neared, you backed away.

Eventually you hit a wall. Your back pressed on the wall as another hic escaped your lips. "I'm sorry.." Trent whispered, eyes blurred from the tears. He didn't dare blink. He wanted to look away from you, to stop this feeling-- this ache in his body to stop but he didn't want to. He couldn't break his gaze from you.

Trent feels his arm reaching out for you. Trent's hand eventually touches your shoulder and he feels you flinch for a moment, your entire body stiff from the sudden move. Slowly, you felt your body relax. Trent's lips quiver in fear, sadness before bringing your body to his.

He hugged you tightly, afraid that if he let go you'd vanish. Your arms stayed on your side, not wanting to hug him. His chin rested on your shoulder as he cried. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.. I--" he croaked. You felt your body tense up once more. You blinked and more tears fell. You felt your hands dig into your palm. You didn't know what to do-- how to feel. A shaky sigh escapes your lips and slowly, instinctively your arms wrapped around him. "Please forgive me." he mumbled underneath his sobs.

You hugged Trent comfortingly, your touch told him that it wasn't his fault, your embrace felt warm, your arms told him that you've forgiven him, your fingers told him that whatever he'd do you'd never break away from him, no matter how hard he pushes.

"I'm sorry, baby. I can't-- I didn't--" he stammered.

"It's okay, Trent." you finally spoke, your voice came out soft and comforting. "You didn't mean to." you reassured.

Trent felt guilty, a part of him knows it was his fault but a part of him started believing it wasn't his fault.

He felt guilty, like he did an unforgivable crime and lied about it.

He broke your heart and he broke his own.

"I'm sorry." he repeated, desperate and shaky. "I know you're sorry, you didn't mean it, you didn't mean any of it." you cried. The way your voice broke, the was it cracked-- it hurt him. Your words were soft and calm but your voice was broken into pieces.

"I love you and you love me. That won't change anything, whatever you say won't affect that. You hear me?" your voice calm and steady. "There's no point in saying you're sorry because I know you are." you pulled away from him, looking at him directly. His eyes glimmered with tears, cheeks stained with it. He looked at you, your eyes were red and puffy and he felt like he couldn't forgive himself for doing this to you.

You inched closer to him, planting a kiss on his forehead, then to his cheeks. You cupped his cheeks with a wobbly smile on your face.

Even though he made you cry, you loved him regardless, even though he made you scared of him, you held him tightly, even though he screamed at you, you spoke to him tenderly and softly. Even though he'd never forgive himself, you forgave him in a heartbeat.

(SPECIAL TAG TO @habuonlylikesu she has sent 2 requests and shes such a slayer idk how to explain her bro.. ANYWAYS the reason why this is so long is cause of the description of the details 🙄🙄 i tell u guys mama lana del rey DOES something to ur writing. ANYWAYSYSYSYS THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING FOR TRENT AND IM LOWKEY PROUD. funfact i did this the evening i got the request and i just deadass didnt know how to execute it and like 2 days later i finish it in one sitting. OKAY SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE BANGERS LIKE THESE!!! 😱😱💕💕)

[autumnshighlady]

ok this is so stupid but i really want to see neris and reader interactions,, like the small things, the comfort, the protectiveness,,,, ughh love what you've done w the story man, desperately waiting for the next part fr. (go on your own pace tho) glad to know i've shifted you a little bit on a azriel thing (devious smile) - ithink he's a good character for most people because he barely had a personality in the books and so we can usually make up stuff yk, like he's mostly just broody in the books and we're told stuff abt his personality but not shown it. can't wait to see what happens next! ohh also the dragon interactions!!! i wanna see those too!!! eris has hounds right,,, it wld be cute for them to protect nes and r tooo,,,, ahhh sorry this is literally just me ranting lol, obv feel free to ignore the reqs,,, i really want to let you know that your writing is good bc you seem to get less interactions than you should!! and a weird amt of hate lmao like whats w the people being rude about ialtpwf and wanting guys my age so badly, like i enjoyed it despite not particularly liking the daddy kink partbut like. really,, why so rude??? want to see how reader fares in front of beron too, i assume word of her power will reach him too/. anyway, how long are you planning on pushing the beron overthrowal thing (im being curious not being like ugh when are u plannign on ending it,, in case thats what it sounded like,, idk man im overthinking). oh also! want to see court relations with all of them after berons gone. before berons gone. all of it, i want them to be better leaders/people to the court people yk. oh!! also lucien-reader friendship!!! love that!! we havent seen much of it but hes def the kind of guy to tease r abt eris when they start actually flirting and getting near a relationship yk. eris-lucien brotherhood too tho, obviously. also the lady of the autumn court!! watching them bond w her!!! ahh jfoisfkjmdofikndfvg ium sorry have a great day today1!! hope you rest well after that long ass shift. oh yeah i agree w you on the feyre thing, she's def just mostly like a pawn to rhys yk, i think she was better as a char when she was w tamlin tbh, altho obviously i dont want her to be with someone who kind of abused her without any groveling at least/ cant wait to see more interactions fr!!!! oh when i said in the story, i meant the actual books, well and yourss but the actual books mainly! anyway i think you've managed to be realistic w all of them in a way that is good. bye! oh same anon as last time. should i give myself a name, is that fine,, i'll choose * anon. sure.

i can’t wait for you to see more of the neris x reader interactions! you’ll love it. i feel like i’ve done a decent job of their dynamic so i’m super proud of it so far.

Azriel’s journey is one i have planned out - it’s going to be complicated because yk he’s been loyal to rhys for 500 years and that’s not suddenly going to change, but he will continue to play a role.

you’ll see more of the dragons for sure! and the hounds will be involved too so fear not ;)

yeah idk why people got so weird about guys my age like i’m glad they enjoyed it of course but i kinda did everything i wanted to do with that fic so i don’t feel i have anything else to add to it if that makes sense

beron will play a bigger role soon! as far as them overthrowing him, prob within a couple chapters maybe a bit longer. im still playing around w the details of how exactly it’s going to happen

expect a LOT more lucien and lady of autumn in the later chapters! i love love love writing for lucien so i’ve got special stuff for him planned hehe

tons more interactions to come. more lucien, azriel, gwyn and emerie, cassian, etc. thank you for your message angel and NEVER apologize for rambling - nobody has taken the time to say this much about my fic so far in one go so i LOVE reading these. send as many as you want <3

[leagueofuselessness]

Rant under the cut

So i'm totally just rambling cuz I wanna use my new keyboard and stuff to type so. Anyway. Im gonna only take half my spiro daily starting today to see if that brings back some of my libido, It's been starting to irk me how little I care about actually wanting to fuck. I have so much desire for sexual contact mentally but my body absolutely could care less about it :/ It might also be a little bit because my husband has been going through some things and lately has been super hard on himself, to the point that it's been affecting his performance in bed..... and it's like I don't want to bring it up cuz that'll only make him feel worse but I have a feeling he can already tell >w< He's been doing much better recently too since he started working out more consistently with em and we've been keeping up with communicating with eachother. but like. he just can't bring himself to have any confidence with me still? even after almost 6 years of being together he still looks down on himself, and constantly compares his achievements with mine. I don't debate semantics with him about who's done more or who deserves more love because at the end of the day we are in this together and we should be treating eachother the same way we would want to be treated regardless.

thankfully it seems like things are moving along at a pace. I'm not complaining honestly, My husband is the best fuckin friend I could have ever asked for and I plan on showing him just how good of a decision he made marrying me :) <3 thanks for reading this and if u made it all the way here then i'm grabbing your cheeks and making out with you sloppy style :3 -Taylor

[7fckingidiots]

The Brothers and how they say they’re proud of you!

Lucifer

he’s the avatar of pride sure, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t give out compliments

in fact seeing you feeling proud of your own work or whatever you’ve accomplished makes him feel proud too

he says things like “good job. i know you worked hard on that.” so not entirely direct but it’s nice to hear

if it’s something you’ve been telling him about constantly though and then show it off to him once you’re happy with it? his heart warms and he makes sure to actually say it outloud this time

he doesn’t get sappy but it does touch him that you wanted to include him and wanted to hear his thoughts about it

i think abt older brother lucifer a lot. Be nice to him. please

Mammon

he’s literally :D and !!!! outwardly when you do something you’re happy with or proud of

immediately goes to show you off to literally anyone that will listen....thanks king i love u

type of dude to have ur picture in his wallet and explain how cool u r to every cashier

it’s pretty clear he’s really proud of you but if you ask him he’s gonna freeze up at first and be like ??? obviously not i hate you. AND IMMEDIATELY REGRETS IT

he makes sure to outwardly tell you he’s proud of you from now own but now it’s the Only thing you will hear

yeah mammon has every single one of his brothers in his wallet??? and??? am i wrong??

Levi

dude he’s not even proud of Himself. How are you gonna get him to say it

honestly ppl don’t see Levi as a good older brother i’m gonna throw Hands. anyways

he is proud of you!! you can tell because he uses a ton of video game analogies and his eyes light up also stimmy hands!!!

will let you rant abt whatever you’re working on but he’ll make sure to bring up little details you mentioned to him so you know he’s actually paying attention

it’s honestly hard for him to say it outloud but he tells you it all the time over text

you have a five minute long voicemail saved from him that’s mostly him rambling but he also tell you he thinks you’re cool and that he’s proud of you :,)

Satan

straight to the point love this MAN thank YOU

listens to you rant and is like! wow! i’m proud of you good job! he really says it like it’s nothing but he’s smart and he Knows words mean things

once he notices it has a positive effect he makes sure to remind you every so often

sometimes he even does it if you complete a simple task like washing your face but sometimes that’s when we need to know it the most and Satan gets that

he was never really told that people were proud of him so please Return the favor....just. Good Vibes

he’ll have what you said to him on repeat for the next three weeks guaranteed

Asmo

another man to say it CONSTANTLY

thank you King u have no idea how this effects me

breaks into your classes when you have a test to let you know he’s proud of you no matter the grade you get...

Lucifer stops that immediately so now Asmo is just in all of your classes so no more damage can be done

No more body issues in this house. Ok not actually but Asmo really helps you appreciate your body more! He makes you say things like i’m proud of this because......and will make sure to help you out if you get stuck!

Especially praises you if you do something like make up, nails, or clothes he will take pictures you cannot stop Him he’s PROUD

Beel

God. I love him so much. He just. doesn’t say it bc he doesn’t realize that’s what you want to HEAR.....dense n trying

Lots of closed eye smiles and head pats to show he’s proud! when your especially happy he gives you some of his food bc you clearly deserve it...weow :0

once you ask him to say it he’s like??? ok i can do that but you’ll need to remind him like twice. honestly just write it on his hand it’ll work better

hearing him say he’s proud of u with the closed eye smile and the head pat. Thanks KING

when he’s holding you he’ll make sure to tell you that he’s proud of you. he never gives a specific reason but he is :)

Beel just loves you and will say he’s proud of you whenever he wants to see you smile or cheer up

Belphie

You want him to say he’s proud of you?? ok sure? it’s gonna be so half assed sir some of us have imposter syndrome HERE

then he realizes it’s a serious request and makes sure to only say it when he’s awake(mostly anyways)

because of this, he doesn’t say it often but when he does you know it’s genuine because of how he taps his fingers together

belphie also stimmy god cannot kill me

he is proud of you, knowing someone like you that’s affected his life in such a positive way really amazes and weirds him out when he thinks about it usually after he wakes up

bc of this u get lots of little texts and 3 second voice mails of him being like. thought of u. proud.

thanks belphie i needed that

ah!!! thank you so much to everyone that read my first set of hcs!! i wasn’t expecting it to blow up like that AT ALL i was 00 all day. I hope you guys like these too!! Times are hard right now and this is what i need to hear the most so i figure it would be nice to hear it from our favorite brothers too :) i’m proud of you for making it through today and they are too! keep fighting <3

[takethetrain]

hiiii! okay. this may sound a little weird, but after reading your post about Thomas I wanted to write to you. I just had to.

All your thoughts?!? You've literally explained perfectly how I've always felt about cc's questionable writing choices regarding Thomas's character in choi.

First, Thomas is also my favourite favourite hehe, I just relate to him a lot and he's 100% the tsc character I got more attached to. However, my overall impression after choi was that cc had somehow reduced all his complexity...or more like she hadn't valued it enough? And this by simplyfing all his mental processes and creating little inconsistencies concerning his thoughts and words. Literally all the things you've pointed out!!

And yeeeah, the “he reminded himself, he didn't much like Alastair” line confused me so much. Not only it felt extremely wrong, but it also didn't make sense at all...? Especially if we consider the fact that apparently Thomas has been aware of his attraction to men and deep feelings for Alastair the whole time.

It was like all the introspective and thoughtful povs we're used to when it comes to Thomas, were kind of left out/semplified in choi.

And it makes me genuinely upset because Thomas is such an amazing and complex character with so much potential, but, as you've pointed out, it feels like he's been completely sidelined in the writing process.

I'm not gonna add more stuff since you've already phrased everything perfectly jwjsl, but know that I'm so glad someone finally talked about this!! Everything you've pointed out is just *chef's kiss*

Also. forgive me if I'm being a little long-winded, but I absolutely got to tell you. I adore your fic. It's just so so beautiful. And one of the main reasons why I love it so much, is precisely because of the way you've written Thomas!!

While reading it I was just so happy, because it felt like Thomas's complex interior world I've always felt a special connection to, had been finally explored?? *feeling incredibly emotional at the mere thought*

Basically, your Thomas just shines!! And for a person who relates so much to his character your fic is just so so comforting. (Also I'm generally very fond of the sea since I live by the seaside, so the whole story is literally perfect to me kskzj).

Anyway, this was supposed to be just a brief *I agree with all the stuff you've pointed out about thomas in choi* ask, but turned into a *I'm a huge fan of your fic, you're such a fantastic writer and your thomas is perfect* monologue, oops :'')

I probably would have sent you an ask some day, but after that post I just jumped at the opportunity to rant about your fic as well jwksj

okay, guess I'm donee, hope this doesn't sound too intrusive or anything!! Have a good day/night!! <3

OMG ! !!!!! !!! this ASK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all. Can we be friends?? 🥺 and second, I hope u don’t seriously worry about being long winded or whatever u said because I would take every WORD of this & have it TATTOOED on my SOUL. Putting that out there to begin with.

I’m really glad my ramblings about how Thomas was mishandled in choi resonated with someone because I truly had no idea if anyone would agree with the weirdly specific grievances I have, but they REALLY bothered me and honestly the longer I think about them the more frustrated I get. The new snippet made me really nervous too because it seems like it’s (potentially) signaling more of what we’re talking about. But THANK U for engaging with me on this, and thank you @melanielocke for giving me an excuse to write a stress-fueled essay about it in the middle of the night—if there’s anyone I can count on to validate the things I care about way too much for anyone’s good, it is this fandom.

Speaking of caring about things way too much for anyone’s good, I lowkey want to cry about the second half of your ask 🥲 because what you’re describing is exactly what I’ve been trying to do and it’s so incredible to hear that I’m not just doing it for myself but for other ppl who love Thomas too??? I wasn’t kidding when I said that’s a huge part of why I started writing the fic, to give him some time to shine/explore his interior world, so I’m just so glad that’s landing the way it is for you, and please feel free to come talk to me about Thomas anytime!!! I mean this!!! I so resonate w every single thing you said!!!!

Also thank you, if I didn’t make that clear ❤️🥰 this was such a lovely thing to receive!!

[wokestraightpuffy]

Hallo, i hope you are alright and that my ask aren’t annoying but I wanted to ask do you have any c!puffy headcannons? —🤡

YOURE NOT ANNOYING AT ALL !!! NEVER THINK THAT ILU VERY MUCH. MUAH /p

as for c!puffy headcanons, i am not the best person to ever organize their thoughts properly but ill try my best >:’D

ahaha. this got. super complex and way too long and more of like an introspective study to puffy now instead of harmless fun headcanons so, uh. under read more <3 (also reminder this is all /rp and /dsmp)

* i like to think that she has a hero complex, but its a bit different since she never really sees herself as an ‘important’ part of the story, not the main character but a support one, hence ‘im fine with being the side character’ or how she’s said she doesnt care what happens to her and would gladly sacrifice(?) herself if there werent other people she had to protect. girl u need therapy urself <3

* though very open with how she feels and never afraid to say when someone/something is upsetting her, ‘opening up’ is still a whole mountain climb for her, apparently. like, she’d rant about the egg, get mad at the eggpire, let off some steam by committing arson or exploding stuff, she’ll rarely ever talk about how much the stuff that upset her actually HURT her. does that make sense? LIKE, she’ll lash out, she’ll get mad, she’ll take NO SHIT thrown at her face, but to show the kinda vulnerability of dealing with that? to cry about it talk about those feelings with someone? I think she’d rather eat her own foot lol

* adding onto the thing above, she doesnt necessarily actually realize this about herself. less of actively doing it and rather growing... used to the ‘cycle of violence’ in the smp as they call it. and the fact that rarely have people really asked, that no one’s actually available for that, w her losing her closest friends, bad and ant, sam being busy w the warden stuff... and niki. yeah. there’s foolish, but i doubt she’d ever see venting to someone she considers her son appealing

* also. puffy is just sometimes... really bad at conveying sadness. i think she’s a rare crier. id go as far to say that shes even more emotionally constipated than dream, lol (but maybe not while the guy’s in his prison arc) and that she’d be the type of person to tell you its okay to cry but beat herself up over something if she let a tear slip in a heated moment

* speaking of sadness. she’ll only ever actually Be Sad if she’s alone or with someone she doesnt necessarily care the opinions of. yknow how she mourned for tommy and blamed herself? those dialogue bits? yeah, those are only times shed actually be vulnerable

* puffy’s go to response to the egg and how its fucked up her relationship w her friends is pure fury. but, going off of her line about ‘failing bad and ant’ i like to think that she probably hates herself the most about it. THAT IS A STRONG WORD LOL BUT YEAH. she yells and curses and gets mad, but sometimes i wonder if the words she had spat before were more directed to herself

* THIS GIRL HAS SELF-IDENTITY PROBLEMS. CAN WE GET A HELL YEAH FOR THAT CHAT? outside of having no goddamn clue about where she came from, how she got here and who she even is, scrounging up a role for herself in a server with a war on the background and traumatized kids got her resignedly coerced into thinking that she is only a Parent. Only good enough when she’s actually doing something Useful for people. SO. when she finds that ship? of having a crew and having a curse? OF FINDING OUT SHE MIGHT HAVE/ HAVE HAD A MOM THATS WAITING FOR HER?  the sense of control she has on herself is absolutely crushed. shattered, and she’s left to pick up the pieces w no one to talk abt it with <3

* adding onto the above, it’s why the line ‘I’m supposed to be mama puffy. me.’ hurts me so much! so yes! please cry with me :D

* also to add more on the fact that she thinks she’s only worth something when she’s being useful, puffy literally contemplated leaving the server, thinking that it wouldnt matter leaving since no one really needs her anyway, since she’s failed so many people. bad and ant, tommy, dream. shes said how foolish can take care of himself on how tubbo and ranboo have each other, how she and niki have drifted so far away from each that it might as well be a break up.

HOOOOOOOOOO OBOY . anon youve really given me the perfect chance to ramble huh? sorry for the rather incomprehensible brainrot, here’s more lighthearted headcanons about puffy asdhfkd

* she cannot stand still sometimes. she always has to be doing something extra, walking when the prime path is right there? shed rather go through tedious little holes or hop and balance onto fences to get where shes going. she’ll mindlessly fix up the path when there are holes or mismatched wood, and one time went on a long, long LONG journey cleaning up the paths tommy purposely DESTROYED near lmanburg and even added cobblestone sidings which werent there before

* puffys a bit of a sentimental person. writing in her log to clear her thoughts sometimes and cared enough to try and preserve lmanburg with the glass sheet and trying to find possible surviving artifacts of history to respect it, even though she’s never been a part of it. its also why, when doomsday happened and lmanburg got permanently poofed, she began to appreciate the buildings that are still standing and began taking more pics 

* she’s not used to being... what do you call it, um, cared for? she’d deflect compliments sometimes, when shes having a particular bad day, like, she’d laugh nervously and change the subject, sometimes she’d outright deny it, most days she’d jokingly say ‘staphhh it’ and add a very genuine thanks. my point being is, do something for puffy that is mildly nice and she’d keep that moment in her heart forever. 

* also funny story regarding the above. u know how karl is notorious for stealing her materials? and how puffy was contemplating doing something in retaliation for them? karl says hi for once when she joins the server and she goes ‘alright fine youre safe for saying hi’ LOL THIS WAS PROBABLY A BIT META WISE but something about this implying that the bare minimum or LESS is enough to make puffy forgive someone is very sad and funny at the same time for me. girl really said ‘oh you said hi to me? thats nice all the crimes youve ever done towards me is now forgiven. <3’ (this is a bit of an exaggeration on my part, ofc, i just think its funny LMAO) 

* ironically, despite being the ‘captain’, whenever riding a boat with someone, she prefers being on the backseat and letting them drive. ig shes just there for the ride i suppose, her and her uber drivers :3

 * she either has a rather unhealthy obsession with baked potatoes or she just doesnt wanna waste eret’s massive potato farm

* idc what cc!puffy says is c!puffy will always and forever be 5′2″ in my HEART. u are the shortest member, u cannot change this <3

* shes really fond of animals/ neutral mobs. she often baby talks to them and they help boost her mood a lot when shes having a bad day :D

* up to this day, the little secret rooms she’s created around the server have all been yet to be discovered, unless the one under bad’s house has been found. she rarely ever really keeps tabs on them, and more often than not they are just collecting dust. she still visits sometimes and cleans them up ofc

* she still genuinely thinks dream can change. cc!puffy’s line about that, ‘i’m his last hope.’ really makes me think about this a lot. 

* ive seen people talk abt it a bit but the headcanon that puffy acts as the server mom to fill the ‘void’ of her missing her mom makes me cry at night /hj

* she really likes her rainbow onesie! i headcanon that eret gave her that along w the sunglasses, but she started wearing that less when she found her old captains uniform. shes never really said why, though, and nobody ever really bothered to ask

* god bless this woman but sometimes the server members get on her nerves sometimes so she goes out of her way to traverse along far away from the main community to maybe commit a few crimes. let off some steam. these take a few days but she always returns

i probably have a lot more hcs but i cant remember them >_> THIS IS A LOT ANYWAY. HOPE U ENJOYED MY BRAIN VOMIT. IF U READ THIS FAR ILU THANK U

if there are mistakes it is bc i am crying and cannot see my keyboard and also i am sleep deprived /hj

[bykio]

A/N: So.... I didn’t mean to not write for a while but school and other things have happened since then, so I hope that this is good. Also my friend @ih8people​ gave me an idea for one of the parts in this little part of the story, so, just wanted to give her some credit too... Anyways, Lets start the 3rd part of  this Karma x reader x Nagisa (also I know that it’s not the greatest thing, but I’m going to try TvT )

Hope you like it~ See ya when you finish reading~

Recap: Keiko then walked somewhere off the regular path to get her sister, as the two realizing what Keiko just said. Since she just left, they shuffled to get back to her. Once they got to her, they just started talking, until Keiko realized something. 

“Oh, and just so you know, my sister will probably freak out when you two get to my house. Just a warning.” Keiko said, calmly.

At that second, Nagisa and Karma stopped their walking and looked at each other in confusion.“Wait what?”

While the two had paused in their steps, Keiko had continued walking not bothering to stop for them, just continued to walk and ignore how the red and blue hared kids had stopped, what was now 10 feet away without realizing their guide had left them in the dust. 

After a second of realization, the two hurried back to Keiko. They wanted to know what the heck she had meant, but she didn’t answer any of their questions, instead she just walked up to where her sister would exit her class in a few seconds.

“Ok, listen up you idiots! I need you to stay at least 10 feet away from me and my sister at all times till you follow me to my house. Now, when you see me enter, you better wait a few minutes at least for me to tell her what is going on, ok.” she finished. Her eyes were shone with anger, force, and intimidation. For the first time in a while (lets just say) the two boys were very much scared at her words and how stern she was when it came to being serious. They both realized that this girl had many different blades when it comes to assassination or anything when she puts her mind to something she was serious about. 

And even before they could realize, Keiko was gone, and had gotten her sister to walk her home. 

“Hey Hero! How was your day?” Keiko asked her little sister, who had totally switched personalities from a few seconds ago. “Oh hey Key! It was fine, but, I may have uh... to talk to you about something... when we get home, is that ok?” Hero said to her older sister, with a faint blush on her cheeks, that didn’t go unnoticed by her sister. “Sure~ Now, lets get home, I have a few things to do after you tell me~” Keiko said with a sly smirk on her face, wondering what her sister was going to tell her. But on the inside, she really hoped that the two a few feet away didn’t hear the nickname her sister had just called her.

Karma- “Did I hear that right? Did her sis just call her Key?~

Nagisa- “I don’t think we should pester her too much about it right now...” he said sweat-dropping ‘But knowing you, you will tease her about it’

Karma- ‘Imma tease her about it’

~Time skip cause I’m lazy~

Once Keiko and her sister were in their house, Keiko started to ask her sister first about what had happened at school first before the two could come and ruin a moment she could have with her sister. 

“Soooo~ what is it you want to tell me?~” Keiko started, wiggling her eyebrows a little towards her sister, making her sister remember and start to blush a bit more then she had when she had brought it up before.

“W-well, so you know u-uh, LGBTQ+ right?” Hirako started, stuttering a little bit. “Sis, who do you take me for? Yea I know what it is. What about it?” Keiko said. “Well, I- uh, I- I THINK I’M LESBIAN!” Hirako blurted out. Keiko, stopped what she was doing at that second then yelled at the top of her lungs, “I KNEW IT! Now spill who do you have a crush on in you class~” (I really wanted some tie between this, please don’t hate me) Keiko said, sitting down on the couch that was close to the chair Hirako was sitting in.

“I- What!? What do you mean you know?” Hirako asked slightly bewildered and kinda confused that her sister took it so well, but thankful at the same time that her sister took it so well.

“Never mind that, who do you have a crush on? I want to know!!!” Keiko said excitedly, waiting anxiously for the answer from her sister. “I- I mean, i like this girl, she, she is in my class, her name is Alex...” Hirako started, “She- she is really nice and kind to me, unlike some of the other kids in my class, she also helped me a few times get out of some situations that could have ended up bad, so I, yea I kinda like her...” Hirako finished, her eyes covered by a shadow, and a heavy blush on her face. 

Hirako mumbled something incoherent to Keiko’s ears, so with a smirk (and ways to get the two together,) Keiko asked, “What was that~ I couldn’t hear you~” Keiko said with a teasing matter of tone in her voice.

Hirako rolled her eyes, and tilted her head towards her sister, “You are as sadistic and sinister as Karma, and sneaky and smart as Nagisa, making you three the perfect pair~” Keiko widened her eyes, remembering the little situation she was in...

~Outside the front door of Keiko and Hirako’s house~

Karma: “Did you hear that just now?” 

Nagisa: “I knew it was a bad idea to eavesdrop when we are saposed to wait for her to come get us...” Nagisa said, sweatdroping

~Back in the house~

“I- I” Keiko started blushing a bit knowing that the two were most likely hearing what they were talking about. “Whatever, you still didn’t answer my question, what was it you said under your breath?” Keiko shot back

“I- I said I think that I saw a lesbian pin on her backpack...” Hirako answered

There was silence.

for a few seconds...

then

“YES!!!!!! HA! HELL YES! MY SHIP WILL SAIL I KNOW IT! IT WILL IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!-” Keiko rambled on and on while yelling. Keiko didn’t always curse, so it was mainly a special ocation when she did, or she stubbed her tow really hard, but other then those moments, she rarely did.

Hirako had barely heard what she said after her huge ‘YES!!!!!!’ While the two behind the front door literally jumped back when they herd the outburst. They first had jumped back a few feet, Nagisa on the floor scared out of his mind, and Karma ready with useless knife in hand. They got over their shock eventually, but then got tired of waiting for Keiko to eventually explain their situation. Well mainly Karma, but we don’t talk about how impatient this sadistic boy is. 

~After a few mintues of the rant final being over~

“Ok, so like I said before, I have a little, well situation going on...” Keiko started, with Hirako’s full attention on her, with wide and wondering eyes focused on Key.

“Ok, so um, in my class there are-” 

She wasn’t able to finish her sentience when the door was kicked down by Mr. Impatient himself, with a worried light blue haired boy trying to pull him back. Obviously, that didn’t work.

You and Hirako were just staring, you with a deadpan + angry look on your face, while Hirako, a face of utter anger, and surprise noting who the two boys look identical to.

“HA!” was all that the redhead said when you went over to the two. He said this while he looked like he just accomplished something great. (In his opinion of course) They weren't even able to comprehend that you had come up behind them, and hit both of the back of their heads with a bit of force, more then they were thinking would actually come from you. (Not to be rude to you reader-chan) 

“You idiots” you breathed out, making a shiver go down the two’s spine, not expecting your tone of voice either. “I didn’t finish explaining.” you finished, and dragged the two into the kitchen by their ears, and closed the door behind you. You scolded them a bit more, but not in the same tone, then you came out, and explained everything to your sister, and she took it surprisingly well. 

“So, let me get this strait, they came from Assassination Classroom, and are now stuck so far to what we know? Ok, just tell me one thing~” Hiro said with a glint of misgif in her eyes. “Ugh, what?” you said, smiling slightly sadly because she knew a little of what it was going to be. “Are you glad that they are finally real? I mean, you are a huge simp for he both of them nfuhtalbweercklgbs psegjsegkjrrhfansegbfj” Hiro was muffled at the end by Keiko’s hand, and said, “Ok, I will give you 10 dollars you won’t tell them that, no shortcuts, no loop holes, no NOTHING when it comes to that, got it?” you said, she agreed and you held up with your part of the deal.

When that whole situation was done with, you took the two into your room. (i just want to describe what it would like, you can add stuff to it if you want but this is just the layout for it in my head) Your room was a decent size, you had a good sized bed, when if you sat in the middle with your back to the wall, and your door to your left. it had your closet in a seprite room connected to it, with a nightstand a few feet away from you. there was lots of space for your figurines, posters, manga, *cough*cough* weapons *cough*, and much more collections you have from a number of anime’s you have watched. You also had a mini couch in your room with a desk in the corner, but you piled it up with random stuff so you used you couch more with your computer as your mini TV. Though the ones that were in a separate and more collected spot was the one with you Assassination Classroom poster above your bed, and entire manga series aide it. Your room did have a designated bookshelf for the different manga you read, but the whole series of A.C. was (again) designated, since it was you favorite.

When you entered, you looked bored, and were kinda tired. The while need to explain everything that had happened, was exhausting, so you plopped down on your bed, but started looking up Assassination Classroom for watching and information purposes, to help Nagisa and Karma remember what the last things that happened. The only thing, you didn’t want to happen was have them be transported back to their anime, like you have read in other fan fictions. sure it was silly, but you kinda liked having them around though you’d never admit it. (tsundere much reader-chan?~) 

“So, what’s the last thing you remember when you were home...” Keiko started, it was almost hard for her to say the word “home” since it hurt you a little bit. “Oh, we were just getting back from our vacation-” “Yea when Nagisa showed our last P.E. Teacher that he could take on any fight!” Karma interrupted Nagisa, while you thought to yourself, ‘we shouldn’t go past that part, I don’t want to ruin anything.’ as you finished pulling up the first episode. 

All three gathered on you bed, Nagisa on your left, Karma at your right. You blushed at first as they each laid their head on either of your shoulders, but continued.

It was about the 13th episode, till you were rudely interrupted by your brother surprising you in your hallway walking past, getting the wrong idea when he saw the two boys laying on either side of you.

From his point of view, he saw two boys laying on either side of you, literally hanging off you, and it seemed like they were pretty comfortable. He just smirked, and leaned his back against the door way and said, “Oh~ looks like my lil sis didn’t find one but two boys all of a sudden that can deal with her huh?~” he finished, startling you, witch caused the other two to realize that a new stranger was in the house they weren't told about.

Your cheeks started to burn from embarrassment, and right when you were excited for the upcoming episode. You got up, placing the computer down in the spot you used to be in, and took your brother by his elbow and went down stairs.

“Hey where are you going?” Nagisa said after you, he had liked being in your room in peace watching all their past experiences with him and Karma.

“I- Uh, I’m going to go talk to my brother for a moment and make him food, since he’s really bad at cooking.” Keiko said with a smirk at the end while walking down the stairs. “Don’t worry it shouldn’t take more then 5 minutes” she finished.

~In the Kitchen~

“So, who are they?~ Are you in a poly relationship or something?~” He said, wondering if he was correct. You, on the other hand, were zoned out seeing you put ketchup on your butcher knife to originally cut tomatoes, wondering if you could get away with fatality injuring your brother and not being noticed.

“I swear, if you say one more word about that, I will hurt you with this...” you said, holding up the knife. “Don’t worry, I won’t, unless I’m correct and you are trying to get out of the subject~” he said. That was the last straw.

~In your room still~

“Its almost been 10 minutes, I think we should go check on her.” karma started, getting up from his seat. He was finished going through your search history. “I don’t know Karma, maybe we should stay and wait for her...” Nagisa said, hoping to stay instead and not get lost in your house. 

“C’mon Nagisa, lets just go, it’ll be ok.” Karma said finally convincing his friend to come.

when they got down stairs, they were at the foot of the stairs when they saw what you were doing. 

You were holding the butcher knife in one hand, the other on your brother’s shoulder, about to, what it looked like, at least cut his arm almost clean off.

The two of you heard the stairs creak, topping what you were doing. In truth, you only going to cut a little of his arm, not all of it. But the scene was kinda weird you have to admit. They didn’t know the already redened knife was ketchup that you didn’t pay attention to, but hey, we all make mistakes.

After a few moments of sorting things out, you, Nagisa, and Karma went to your room again about to start the episode up again, but when you opened your laptop, holding your phone, the Computer screen lit up in a bright light, not regular to the glare it would give if it was lat at night when you look at your phone for the first time in a while.

“Ah! Is- Is this supposed to happen?” Karma yelled to you. “No! I’ve watched this series often, and this has never happened!” you yelled back, holding your hands in front of you, simaler to what the two boys were doing on either side of you.

Soon enough, the three of you were being dragged into the screen soon transported to a different, unknown location to you.

When your eyesite cleared, you were with Karma, at your side, and Nagisa walking up to their old psychotic P.E. Teacher that tried to take Kurasuma’s job.

“Wait is Nagisa going up there alone!? Why?! No! He wi- I mean could get hurt!!” you said balancing, standing up with your phone in hand. 

Then it hit you

‘No no no no no no no no. NO! Please no... I can’t be here, as amazing as it is, please no...’ you thought to yourself.

“Don’t worry young lady” a new voice came into your earshot. You knew that voice... Koro-Sensei!! 

“Nagisa can handle this, and thank you for taking care of my students while they disappeared for a short amount of time.” Koro-sensei said with his ever lasting smile still on his face.

“Thanks Koro-Sensei, but I still don’t like watching this over and over again” you said more to yourself then anything

Oh you shure hoped that everything would work out in the end, I mean you knew it would but that also included you getting back hope too...

The End

[ankhisms]

the always wonderful shelley @shanheling tagged me to do this thank u so much!! i think that everyone i wanted to tag has already been tagged to do this but if you feel like doing this feel free to consider urself tagged by me!! im putting this under a readmore bc its long and i ramble a lot

the piece i was tagged to explain my process on is this oc piece! unfortunately i have a habit of deleting my original clip studio file once ive finished my art and saved it as a new png file, so i dont have the file to show the sketch and different stages of this piece. but I still can go through my general process and talk about how i did that piece!

1. planning

honestly i think about the art that i want to do a lot, and in this last year or so ive thought about the art i want to do more than ive been able to actually create and finish that art that i want to do. for my planning i tend to do a lot of different thumbnail sketches for the art im thinking of

these are some examples of thumbnails, a lot of times ill do thumbnails just on pencil and paper and with some of these theyre done quickly with my fingers on my phone note function on a day where i was feeling too bad to get up and draw on paper but still wanted to get the thumbnail ideas down. two of these are for the same songxiao piece that i still havent finished and i have more thumbnails digitally on clip studio for the same piece, i do a lot more thumbnails when a piece isnt working the way i want it to and theres times where ill completely scratch a thumbnail or a sketch and start over in order to do more thumbnails because i dont feel happy with some aspect of it.

two of these are small gouche painting thumbnails for two pieces i did maybe a month or so ago, i did the thumbnails and then tried to expand on them digitally and im wanting to do more thumbnail paintings like this in the future because it was fun

for the piece of my oc trio it was based off a series of ask prompts i got for a few different outfit prompt memes i had reblogged, so i based their outfits on the ones in the meme. when im drawing figures i tend to try and get the movement down in the poses when im sketching, i do several rough sketches of the pose before beginning to start setting down lines (if im doing lineart at all because sometimes i dont like doing lineart and do a more lineless painting kind of style). i really try to get my art to convey some kind of emotion, in the oc piece i wanted it to feel fun and like youre seeing three best friends while theyre out on the town having a fun night

2. creating

this is the only real example i have of a piece in the middle of being filled in and created, this piece is one that im really not very happy with & have had lying around for a while and ill probably scrap it and try to come at it from a different perspective at some point. but anyway it still shows what i do, i lay down a kind of neutral gray color underneath my final sketch/lineart if im doing lineart in that piece and then i start picking out the colors that i want for the piece and kind of setting out a pallette for myself. i dont do this color pallette thing 100% of the time but i do it really often, especially if im working on a commission or a larger piece where i know theres going to be a lot of colors or if its a piece where im not sure exactly what color scheme i want so laying out the colors together helps me kind of decide what kind of scheme i want. i am sooooo picky about my colors in my art i am genuinely obsessed with colors in art and there are times where i really have to stop myself from working on something forever just constantly adding more colors or putting little tiny changes and gradients in the colors.

after ive got the colors i want down i tend to try and block out parts of the piece with the base color for that section, and then i start to paint with the colors that i want to go on top of that base color from there.

once im satisfied with the colors/shading/rendering and everything ill go back and look over things and will fix things that look off or sometimes completely redo segments if they dont look right to me. when i was younger and mainly doing digital art using my phone and my fingers i would use a lot of filters and overlays on top of my art once i was done, and honestly im glad to not be doing that anymore because i dont think it made my art look any better. i do color adjustments and sometimes will put on a color overlay or a layer to emphasize the shadows and the light in the piece, but i try to keep those layers to a minimum and like i said before i have a tendency to obsess over the colors and ill spend a good amount of time in the color adjustment tool of clip studio and then ill just decide "actually it looks fine as it is" so yeah!

3. posting

i feel like i dont have a lot to say here gbfm i mean i honestly have a lot of thoughts about the relationship between artists and social media and how social media changes our views on art including our own art and how we can feel like we constantly need to be posting new art and just become content machines churning out new stuff. but ill save that rant for another time. i used to be really concerned about how many notes my art would get when i was younger, and i dont at all blame anyone who still is very concerned about that bc it sucks when u work hard on something youve created and then you dont get a lot of recognition for it, but honestly within the last two years or so i feel like ive begun to have a lot healthier relationship with posting my art. i really just post my art on my art blog, reblog it to my main blog, and then thats that yknow! i do really appreciate any and all support people give me, it means the world to me, but for me having the mentality where i dont need to post all the art i make and i dont need to be posting every day or every week or every month even has been a lot healthier for me because then im not constantly asking myself why didnt this get notes is my art awful??? and yeah i just kind of post it and my brain goes okay were done with that art we gotta make more

ive honestly been struggling a lot with art thru the pandemic and if youre reading this and have been struggling with creating in any way recently or even before the pandemic, please know theres no shame in having trouble creating and it doesnt make you bad at whatever it is u create!

thank you for reading this, feel free to consider urself tagged by me again if u want to do this!! love u all

[aresrl]

I hihi I am!!! A little nervous w/ doing this bc I've never done this b4 so please bear🐻 w// me💦 May I request a match up? A vision, a romantic partner and maybe a friend and/or enemy? If that's too much feel free to just assign me a vision + partner, ehe/// Preferably male for a romantic match-up, but either gender is fine with a friend and enemy match-up^^ I tried to be as detailed as possible but I think I ended up just ranting, so im v v sorry if it's long! I sort of fluctuate when it comes to being an introvert/extroverted. W// strangers and irl, I'm very introverted and shy!! Rarely speak and if I do it's just the usual "Hi how are you? That's good. I'm good too, thank you for asking:)" yeayea I'm not too. Keen on social interaction irl. But I always do my best to be very nice!! I never wanna come off as mean bc wow what a bad first impression that would be. But with friends / ppl ik online?? Whew I am very very friendly n chatty ^^ Either very high energy or very chill, there's rarely any inbetween. Sometimes I like to jokingly tease my friends but I'd never go too far / make them uncomfortable!! And if I do I always apologize right away!! I like to say that I'm affectionate?? My strongest love language is def physical affection, if not quality time. Idk man there's just something about vibing with someone or hugging them that just aaaaa/// Although I usually display affection w// words of affection bc. Literally most of my friends are online friends so I can't actually hug them, sad times. Idk if this is needed/important info but I just remembered: I'm 5'6 around??? Need glasses bc. Whew i am blind (near sighted), I'm poc (specifically black) anndd, hm. Actually I think thats it for this section, aha. As you can see I'm, not really all that organized. Also I don't have the best attention span - while writing this I'm circling between 4 different apps - and I'm a bit of a mess. And also a little stupid. Just a smidge dumb. But I have my moments - I solved like. 2 puzzles in Inazuma by myself so I think that counts for something. I also find that I tend to talk a whole lot when I have an idea or smthn to say abt a thing I'm super interested in!! That's info-dumping. I info dump. Yes. I also really like to listen to other people talk abt things they like!!!! Its so nice :) I'm protective over people I care about!! I've never done it but 100% would bark at someone who messed with someone close to be. Arf arf yaknow. I tend to he impulsive. I'll do something, and be all "YEAH>:D" and then regret it later. And then I'll do it all over again in a fun little cycle :) I consider myself an optimist, but quickly turn into a pessimist whenever it concerns myself. Fun funfun. Should probably mention that I am. A very insecure person w/ dangerously low self esteem, which is super fun esp when you mix that with the fact that I'm rarely ever motivated to improve. Yayayay Also sort of a pushover?? Like most often than not I'll be convinced to do something, even if I'm not too keen on doing it. Also afraid of confrontation when it comes to my friends and strangers (that is, if it's concerning me!! I'll order smthn for my friend but if I need to order for myself?? uhh stutter time aha). I'm also a mega simp ahah! Srsly though if I fall for someone/get infatuated with someone I. Will be so obvious abt it even though I try very hard not to be. Would gush over that person probably. I don't really like mean people tbh. Like yes I'll be nice and civil with them but!!! I cannot stand!!! Rude people!!! Esp when they're mean for no reason like sir??? maam??? homie??? chill pls ty<3 People who aren't necessarily mean, but moreso have bastard energy and are just really "hehe>:D" but playfully are p poggers tho!!! I think I get along with kids!! I have a little sister,, around like. Nine? And we get along really well!! I also try and match a kid's energy whenever I'm tasked with looking after them. I take pride in the fact that kids like me >:].... even if they sometimes scare me-- Ok, interest time!!

I like art!! Quite a bit!! Less of a realistic artist and more of a cartoonist!! Idk there's just something fun abt drawing cartoons, hehe. I also like self ships - I have quite a bit of them, actually ! Idk its comforting drawings your fictional crushes loving you idkidk. I like writing too! Both original stories, and one-shots or personal fics that are associated with already created media!! Writing character backstories and personalities and stuff is also fun too! I've even made my own fictional world with a full fledged backstory n everything! It's very fun to think about. I'm a day dreamer!!! Yea remember when I said I write stories? I day dream abt potential stories even more. Mmm daydream world so nice so warm so fun I read aswell!! Mostly fantasy books, or stories where animals are the protagonists. Think Warrior Cats. But my favorite book series has got to be Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Fantasy owl books, anyway! X Readers are also things I enjoy reading :) Again, s I m p Also gaming!!! Is something fun I do sometimes!!! Although it's usually Genshin Impact, or Wii Sports/Resort w// my little sister. Oh, also pokemon! I rlly like Primarina, Vaporeon, Sylveon and Vulpix/Ninetails! I absolutely adore sweet foods, and baking is smthn I'm def interested in! Don't like foods w// weird textures though, like beans or mashed potatoes. Also I. Love spice so much. Mmm love it when my mouth burns so bad. Don't have a favorite animal but I've had three cats in my lifetime (btw not important but my current cat is named Sylvester and. He's my baby boy) so I am. A very big cat fan. Probably not needed but I really like sword and claymore characters. Literally all of the characters I main are either sword or claymore users. Although I did get Diona, so I miiight start forcing myself to learn how to aimmm. I see that I tend to like people/characters that are a little more extroverted than me. Upbeat, happy type beat!!! Nice sunshine babies, :) I think thats it! I hope this was good enough? Again, first time doing this (at 2am nonetheless) so forgive me if I got too rambly or did anything wrong ^^ Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! And I hope your day is good / you had a good day, depending on when you read this, ehe!

Hey! Sorry if the wait has been long! I also love Warrior Cats (I promise myself, one day I'll finish it.)

You received... A Pyro vision! Optimistic, enthusiastic, impulsive, reckless, and a lot of energy are the general characteristics held by the Pyro vision. • I hesitated between the Pyro and Hydro vision, but your energy distinguishes you from the Hydro vision. • You said you were impulsive, always doing something you might regret later but still doing it. • You react quickly: as you said, if somebody hurt someone you love, you won't think twice before barking. Your partner would be... Xingqiu! “This feeling was unexpected.” • At first, you were just friends, and Xingqiu really loved to tease you. Actually, you both teased each other. But eventually, a feeling of love towards you grew into Xingqiu. And that was reciprocated. • Your relationship is filled with teases, jokes, and good/funny moments where you mostly share what you commonly appreciate. • He also knows when to get serious: for example, he does everything to support you during your moments of struggle concerning your self-esteem. Your friend would be... Childe! “Luckily, I'm here!” • You two also share funny moments, especially during situations where your “stupidity” is overtaken by his insight. • Sometimes, he finds you cute. • He likes the fact that you get along well with kids. It leads you to great moments with him and his siblings. • You're quite the opposite in terms of self-esteem. I think it's a good thing because it makes you complementary. Your enemy would be... Albedo! A misunderstanding. • You wouldn't hate each other, but I think Albedo wouldn't like the way you use your energy, and when you're more in a chill mood (meaning you're more available for him to talk), he could get pissed at how much times he'd have to repeat himself for you to understand something. • He's very patient, but he understood quickly that his interests would maybe not be within your reach. • You would just be too different. Worth to mention • You and Venti are like drama queens in Mondstadt. You are good friends. But you both know that you can't be more, as it would eventually both drag you down (because of similar problems). • Klee is also your best friend: both of you share decisions that you definitely will regret later. Or maybe not. • Hu tao and you are kinds of silently competing over who's the best tease, and she beats you. My goal is definitely not achieved. I hope I can catch up tomorrow. And don't worry, it was surprisingly good for a first description!

[donnieluvsthings]

anyway i’m still thinkin about roceit newsies au...this got SO LONG its basically a bullet fic of the whole plot at this point but uh enjoy!!! its has all the sides and remy and emile bc i rly wanted to shove them all in here aldkaldka

this is based on the musical mostly bc i have never watched the original movie all the way thru oops

roman is jack and remus is crutchie (thanks boop). remus does crazy stunts even with his crutch and roman is Constantly Worried TM and overprotective of remus even tho remus can DEF take care of himself

on the other hand remus knows roman hates working as a newsboy and just wants to escape to some small town where he can become a local artist of some sort. remus wants roman to go CHASE his DREAMS even tho he’s afraid roman might leave him behind

roman may be the actor but remus is great at coming up with gruesome yet intriguing headlines that get people to buy papers and would totally be a great author of some sort

ON THAT NOTE roman dreams of santa fe and can picture it perfectly but whenever he tries to explain it, it comes out as senseless rambling and longing. it’s remus who can really put into words what roman feels (bc theyre bros and they just GET each other)

virgil as davey, patton as les, logan as sarah (its the musical but they have an extra sibling okay. let me have older brother logan)

virgil and patton show up and virgil is super untrusting and hates that theyre basically lying to get people to buy papers but patton is just EXCITED to meet New People!!! and looks up to roman (and remus), like, instantly

it helps that roman promises to take them to a real actual theater after they sell all their papers owned by the one the only emile picani !!!

also roman is the one who first calls him “virge” which is like jack saying “davey” instead of david. yes this is necessary information

so they sell their papers (and roman briefly meets an ESPECIALLY handsome guy wink wink) and go see emile who performs some variant of That’s Rich like the star he is. u cant take singer emile away from me

roman also performs bc i said so. he spies someone watching him during his act up above the stage and climbs up there when he’s done

janus. its janus, if that wasnt clear or u dont know the plot of the newsies musical aldkaldlal

so yeah janus as katherine!! he may be pulitzer’s son but that doesn’t mean his father wants him to be a journalist. pulitzer thinks he should prepare to inherit the publishing company or be a banker or smth, not be a journalist

i just think janus’ “society is a LIE” vibe fits with katherine. i mean, just look at Watch What Happens. “give life’s little guys some ink,” “they’ll storm the gates,” “rich greedy sourpusses” .... idk it just SCREAMS janus to me

ALSO, katherine technically lies about her identity for like 3/4 of the musical, so

anyway! roman meets janus and janus is all suave and lowkey flirty at first but then roman starts flirting BACK and jan is like “uh oh how to talk to cute boys????”

so then he gets all “i have more important things to do” *hair flip* and goes back to the article he’s supposed to be writing about emile’s theater (a lot of his notes are about roman’s performance but nobody needs to know that shhh)

roman draws a portrait of jan and leaves it there and janus gently & dramatically picks it up, stares at it, and tucks it into his suit with a soft smile

uh oh prices for papers went up! virgil steps up and helps roman lead a strike. turns out his caution works GREAT with roman’s determination and they keep each other from going towards extreme overthinking (virgil) or extreme stupidity (roman). they are a TEAM and they are BESTIES.

remus: lets SET THE PAPERS ON FIRE

roman, starry eyed: HECK YEAH LETS DO IT

virgil: how about we dont do that and instead form a union

and then the twins are like GOOD IDEA and tell everyone else. virgil may be a cautious and untrusting and afraid of public speaking but he has good ideas dangit

the intro to seize the day yknow? virgil says a Good Idea (which can probably be traced back to him always listening to logan rant about his studies) and roman spreads the message in a Firm Rebellion-y way to the other newsies

and patton is there doing his absolute best. he may be small but he knows that this isn’t right or fair to the newsboys and he’s ready to physically fight someone

enter logan who is lowkey really proud of virgil for stepping outside of his comfort zone to do whats right. logan may be scared out of his mind for his little bros but he’s gonna help them as much as he can between college and trying to work side jobs to help their fam

basically logan knows janus and tells him that he should report on the strike bc logan wants to help his bros AND his friend however he can

cue janus seeing his opportunity and TAKING it. he’s gonna write about this strike even if no one else will!!! take THAT, father

he also maybe possibly wanted to see roman again. but roman never needs to know that okay what he doesnt know cant hurt him

seize the day happens!!!! they strike!!!! they r powerful!!! but then no one else from any other sections of new york strike with them and they lowkey get rekt

remus mocks the delanceys but that was a BAD decision cuz now theyre targeting him and he gets taken to the REFUGE

roman is SAD bc his brother’s been taken away, no one showed up to help them strike, his brother’s been taken away and he just wants to get OUT of there. run away to santa fe, his ideal world, but he can’t even articulate that because his brother is gone

how is that just act one. how have i written so much yet left out so much???

remus is at the refuge and he’s a little more scared, now, that roman really will just leave him behind even though he knows deep down that roman would never.

still. he writes roman a letter and maybe he goes into a little too much detail about his injuries and the refuge but hey, that’s remus. he writes about how maybe they can run away to santa fe together. he signs it “your brother” and i CRY because they are the best bros

roman reads it and ALSO cries. especially because there it is, the description of santa fe he can never come up with by himself. remus rly does know him, huh

total scene change: janus finds the other newsies (and logan) in a restaurant? bar? and is like “!!! ur on the FRONT PAGE on my newspaper” which i just decided is called the snake instead of the sun

virgil didn’t totally trust janus would follow thru at first but now he’s convinced. they did it!!!! theyre on the front page!!!! the world WILL know!!!!

cue tapdancing!!!!!! king of new york is an absolute bop. i need logan tapdancing daintily and then janus LAUNCHING into some complex tap routine bc the newsies think he too will dance daintily

i know they wouldnt,,, actually dance but just let me have this self-indulgence in this entirely self-indulgent au

the Bro Trio + janus go hunt down roman to show him the paper and find him painting stuff at emile’s all sad and upset bc, well, they lost and remus was taken

but virgil is trying to show him that they made progress!!! sure pulitzer won but he won the BATTLE and actually the poor guy’s head is spinning bc theyre gonna win.

“cmon, ro, if i’m is telling you to be optimistic there must be hope”

see virgil calls him RO and its cute bc roman gave him the nickname ‘virge’ and now virgil’s giving him the nickname ‘ro’ theyre just besties okay

roman is unconvinced but then logan, who roman has actually never met before, steps in with Facts and Statistics, and patton adds some adorable words of encouragement, and janus sassily waves their Front Page Story at him, and roman starts realizing they DO have a chance

but then uh oh pulitzer threatens remus and the Bro Trio and roman is forced to speak out against the strike or risk ruining the lives of everyone he loves. and also he finds out that janus is pulitzer’s son and is Betrayed TM

theres some “he’s just trying to build up a false confidence in u so u can plummet to even greater depths” parallels in there somewhere....u can’t trust many people as a newsie and when roman DOES trust someone turns out he’s the son of the guy ur trying to fight

so roman says overnight in pulitzer’s basement, sleeping on an uncomfortable old printing press, and makes his decision

now for the RALLY

remy is spot conlon bc he DESERVES to be the leader of the brooklyn newsies. brooklyn, flushing, richmond, etc all show up to a newsies rally and are like YEAH!!! STRIKE!!!!

virgil is trying to tame the crowd nervously and keeps waiting for roman to show up bc they work best when theyre working together!!!! finally roman’s there and virgil introduces him (the attention isnt solely on him now thank gosh)

but then roman starts talking about how they dont stand a chance and how they shouldnt go on strike and virgil is just. confused and upset and angry

especially when he sees one of pulitzer’s employees slipping roman wads of money

virgil corners roman afterwards and is absolutely RIPPING into him. roman could fix this if he would just tell virgil the truth, tell him he doesn’t care about the money, he just wanted to keep him and patton and logan safe—

but roman knows if he tells virgil, then virgil will turn all his anger towards pulitzer, will be able to convince roman to keep going, and roman won’t. he can’t put virgil, put his family, at risk.

so he lies.

he doesn’t mean any of it. but he says it.

and maybe he kind of understands why janus lied, too.

he says he’s never had anyone to take care of him or remus, not like virgil does with his parents and his older brother. he says virgil will never know what it’s like.

virgil scoffs and glares and beneath all his fury looks crushed. but there’s still fire in his eyes, a spark roman saw that first day that only grew and engulfed any doubts virgil ever had.

roman says he’ll take the money and go, leave new york behind.

virgil says fine. we don’t need you. because you know what? all those words you said were mine. i didn’t have the courage to say them back then but now i do. we don’t need you.

(because i watched that scene in the movie and like YES go OFF davey i mean virgil)

roman flees to his “bedroom” which is really just a fire escape and just longs for remus’ reassurance. he has the letter but it doesn’t seem as encouraging now, not when he’s lost everything else important to him.

then janus shows up and roman’s mad at him but not mad enough to kick him out. and janus watched roman just give up on everything they’ve been fighting for and just wants to know WHY. why did he turn his back on the newsies when they were so close?

and roman, tired and upset and defeated, just says they wouldn’t succeed. even if all the newsies went on strike no one would report on it, anyway, because pultizer has all the printing presses on lockdown, even the one janus published from. and they already lost once! what more could they possibly do?

roman looks out over the railing, chest heaving from his rant, longing for his imaginary santa fe where he doesn’t have to face his failures. janus stands next to him and puts his hand over roman’s.

“i don’t have a simple answer to that question....but here’s a start.”

and janus pulls out a paper with roman’s words (well, and virgil’s, because virgil said it first but roman rephrased it powerfully, and that’s why they worked as a team) typed out, words that make the strike not about newsies but about ALL working children in the city who are being exploited for their youth and naivety.

it’s an entire article, expertly written. if published it would get the word out to the other newsies that they haven’t given up and show other working children and adults alike that this is IMPORTANT and they aren’t going away.

and then roman remembers his drawings of the refuge and remus’ graphic descriptions and shows them to janus and hey!!! they have a plan!!! they just need to print it....

roman’s like yo there’s an old press in ur dad’s basement he’d never suspect anything

and theyre both so excited and theyre gonna DO this, FINALLY, and janus sees hope on roman’s face again, maybe permanently this time, and janus just leans in and kisses him.

its very sweet and cute and theyre in LOVE

they pull back and kinda stand there awkwardly for a few seconds before both of them start grinning

and they both know its fragile, that they’ve hurt each other and trust was cracked, but it wasn’t broken completely, and they can fix this. they believe in each other and that’s enough for now.

and then they go find virgil at his house

roman knocks on the door and virgil opens it and just. glares at roman. and roman starts rambling apologies and explanations and tries to tell virgil about their plan and did he mention he’s sorry

virgil kinda just stares at him as he goes on and on and the only thing that stops him is patton running out and launching himself at roman

then logan appears behind virgil, and virgil kinda just smiles

“glad to have u back. again.”

and then they go sneak into pulitzer’s basement and print the article with jan’s writing and ro’s drawings and remus’ descriptions and the other newsies go spread the papers ALL around the city

the next morning EVERYONE is out on strike!!! u cant get ANYWHERE without seeing ppl, newsies or otherwise, filling the streets with chants of “seize the day”

roman, with the Bro Trio and Janus trailing close behind, waltzs on in to pulitzer’s office and flings the money pulitzer gave him back on the desk and is like whatcha gonna do NOW, joe??

pulitzer angrily tells them he’s a fool for going back on their deal and logan steps in sayin pulitzer is a fool for letting this get so out of hand over a 10 cent price increase. his sales are down 70%!! objectively the price increase was like the worst business decision ever

virgil’s like plus it’s making u look bad that ur business is the reason most of these kids are suffering. people really love kids, mr pulitzer and patton smiles brightly but in like a menacing way

then emile walks in with a ~dazzling smile~ and is like ur son told me about this whole situation, it’d be a shame if i contacted my good friend governor roosevelt who won’t be as kind as these brave newsies since u tried so hard to stop him from being elected :)

((in the show roosevelt is actually there but i want emile to have a moment to SHINE))

so pulitzer’s like FINE and talks to roman alone and roman wears him down, throwing words from janus, virgil, and pulitzer himself right in pulitzer’s face until FINALLY they have a deal. he’ll lower the prices by half AND pulitzer will buy back whatever they don’t sell full price

roman bursts out of the office into the streets where all the newsies are waiting and is like WE WONNN

and since they published all that stuff about the refuge in the paper, the guy who runs it is being arrested and REMUS IS FREE

the twins hug for like a full two minutes

then pulitzer offers roman a job as a political cartoonist and roman’s like. well idk now that this is over i should probably...head out

bc lowkey he’s thinking virgil still doesn’t wanna see roman ever again and he did say he would leave, so

but then virgil’s like come on, ro, you don’t really think we want u to leave, do u? what’s santa fe got that new york aint? tarantulas? sandstorms? stampedes? you can’t go to santa fe what if you DIE—

and logan says new york’s got us!

patton: and we’re family, right?

then janus is like you got a union to lead! and...you got me.

and remus is like bro, anyone can dream, all you do is close ur eyes! but some made up world is all you’ll ever see. (bc he’s the wordsy one, u see. he helps roman have the poetic realization that his santa fe isn’t real, but this IS)

so roman says well if u guys INSIST.....and then he takes jan’s hand and kinda asks w his eyes and then kisses jan in front of all the newsies who proceed to cheer obnoxiously

when they break apart roman leads janus by the hand over to the paper-buying-cart and slaps some couns down on the table and BUYS SOME PAPERS BC THEYRE NEWSIES BABEY

and everyone lived happily ever after🥰

[geneterrachan]

long rambling rant about the State Of Me (not particularly bad or anything it just got a bit long so i stuck it under a cut i mean it started as “i am scared to go to uni” and ended with “i have crippling mommy issues and desperately need to see a psychiatrist” so read or don’t i don’t mind either way)

man i am so scared to go to uni because it will be the first time i’m like...out as a guy to a large group of people who never knew me before i came out, and i’m going to have to make new friends and i am fully aware i can be. ahem. ~an acquired taste~ and i’m like. agh. oh my god. meeting new people. aah. and it’s not like i’ve never done it before, i’m one hell of an extrovert 99% of the time, but i’ve never done it as jack so i’m like. whoo. also the extra problem that i might end up getting registered in my deadname which is a terrifying prospect but really i’m just gonna try and take it like how i’ve taken everything else in life and just fix it as soon as i can and bat away any kind of insecurity i have about it. because i mean, people always say confidence is key and i’ve always found that’s true. like, if i get registered as x and the teacher is like “is x here” or whatever (it’s all online so idk how it will work) then i’ll just be like “oh that’s me but i changed my name, it’s jack, it didn’t get changed on the system in time, i’m working on it but could you fix your register thanks” and like, i will simply have to live with that, and i doubt people will pay much attention. like, i wasn’t planning on being stealth anyway, so it’s distressing that people might end up being slammed with my deadname right away but i have dealt with much worse things in my life.

also i..........i will not miss my mother in the slightest. like okay now u get to deal with your trauma on your own and stop projecting it onto me goodbye ma’am but i will miss my dad so so so so so so so much it makes me tear up even thinking abt it. we always watch f1 and movies and footy together and it’s like, okay big part of my current life ceasing to be there, cool, chill, normal. so it feels like a crutch is being kicked out from under me. but also, i have been waiting to move out for the past seven years because is my mum. and it is genuinely to the point that i realise she truly does not have my best interests at heart, and she deadnames and misgenders me constantly, and she barely talks to me. like if she just stopped existing i would not notice and i’m not saying that to be an asshole it’s just that she genuinely means nothing to me. i can think of so few positive experiences with my mum ever. so like, mweh. bye. and i feel like a dick because she makes me not want to come home in the holidays. like my lease means i can’t stay during holidays and i think i will genuinely try and arrange to stay with a friend somewhere else. maybe train down to london to meet dad but...i do not want to come back here.

horrible confession but i sometimes think about like...when she dies, what the fuck am i going to say at the funeral? i have nothing. i have nothing to say. she's barely got any friends, her parents will be gone, her brother probably won't come, she has no other family i know of, and i don't even know if i'll be sad. i won’t be HAPPY, but i’m just like. yeah. she sure is a person who exists and was a bitch to me growing up. she sure is the person who trivialised the abusive relationship i had and mocked me for it, she sure is the person who called me a wimp when i cried after she pushed me to get my legs waxed age ten because i was getting called a gorilla at school, she sure is the person who said i was a slob and disgusting and made fun of me on a bad day and ignored me on a good day and ignored my anxiety because “every woman [!!!] in our family has that” and prevented me from ever getting help for my mental health and I COULD GO ON. so what, am i meant to say that? go up on a little stand and say, my mother was a bitch and i’m not glad she’s gone but i sure ain’t shedding a tear. 

*pokes my own reflection in a little pool* yeesh lighten up a little why dontcha buddy

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

[advernia]

i’m amazed that i’ve been active for at least a couple days straight??? is it the effect of lesser fe3h playtimes + the silly coworker writing challenge at the workplace??? oh well ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

since i remembered i was trying to make work commentary a thing here, more rambling / author’s notes under the cut!

jul 6th // ikerev

push your way through the cracks is the first edgar/mc i’ve written here and while i’ve mentioned there that edgar is my fav out of the cast, i fear that i’ll probably take me a very long time to write another one bc... he’s my favorite. i noticed i have the tendency not to write much (or have finished works) about ships i really, really like despite... you know, liking them. hopefully not - shipping aside, i like exploring the characterizations of enigmatic types like edgar.

about the fic, i pretty much like it save for the second part bc i think i could’ve done something more with it - not exactly change the setting, but expounded a little further on it. i don’t know, it feels lacking somehow in comparison to the first two.

there are a lot of flower-related descriptions tossed here and there, but i think i succeeded in not being so purple prose-y? hopefully! this was pretty descriptive, i guess.

with this edgar fic present, that means i have 2 more red army doods to write about, namely zero & jonah. i was really aiming to make edgar the last one tho haha.

jul 12th // ikerev

weave me into your web is canon based, specifically pt. 24 of sirius’ route where they say ‘goodbye’. note those quotation marks.

i think i wrote this after a discussion i had with a friend about sirius & his route - she read some posts commenting on the route and she wanted a nearby opinion. we got into an agreement: while we do find sirius to be indeed husbando material, his route would’ve risked nothing if they gave him more / emphasized his flaws. his flaws, not mc’s, gosh. 

no, seriously. in my opinion, mc fretting so much about being immature sort of blinds her from the little things that prove sirius is not so composed as he appears to be. it gets even worse when she realizes she’s fallen in love with him, and while i enjoy the black army going kira-kira rabu support team + seth being hopeless suitor, i’m going 50/50 on mc. she’s written to be indeed very single-minded come the war phase and while that’s not necessarily bad since she gets to broaden her perspective as she always does, i think i would’ve appreciated it if she came to most of the realizations on her own by reflecting on them based on how the events around her are progressing; and not simply by sirius / someone else pointing it out for her. no wonder she’d think she’s immature in comparison - it also irks me a bit that she keeps on fretting about her feelings for sirius. this is what i’d be sad to see again in other routes: the romance overthrowing the potential / present character development. 

side note: i understand that in relationships with a notable age gap, maturity / perceived maturity can be a problem - i just wished that the route downplayed on this bc honestly, there are other things more interesting to explore than that angle, like, say; isn’t she from another culture or world or something????????? will those differences affect our potential relationship??????????????

on sirius himself, i recall reading on reddit that one person didn’t pick up ikerev for the reason that the cast is too perfect. that’s a fair opinion. i think i can relate this to sirius himself: while throughout the route you do see some flaws in him, he’s still overall the dude you’d write home about + that dude you’d dream introducing to your parents complete with that suave voice (thank u junichi suwabe). no, i’m not saying that he has to have some unlikable or quirky trait / wangsty backstory, it’s just that in my opinion he’s desirable but not exactly relatable. let him struggle, let me see him rise up from it. show me his humanity. there’s the scene with him and lancelot, but i want more. tho him being afraid of being alone is what i find extremely relatable and endearing about him, very nice. otherwise... well, maybe i have to reread the route again or smth.

anyway. the fic emphasizes actually on his character trait of self-control / restraint. did u know too much is bad for u??? it can reflect that since you hold yourself back too much, it could mean that you’re masking your true feelings, for example. there are various psychological studies on that. *stares at sirius* hMMM.

i took care to be quite descriptive on that kiss scene and at the same time, not to be so emotional on it bc it’s still sirius lol - i believe he’s not one to lose himself completely to his emotions, but he’s not that afraid to succumb to some of it - especially if he actually wants to feel them.

... this turned out to be a rant portion rather than a fic commentary now didn’t it

aug 24 // ikerev (i’m seeing a pattern here)

a beginner’s guide to waltz was seriously just some formatting experiment, then it blew up to something larger. i actually like it tho, it’s cute.

writing oliver is actually fun, not bc of the reason that i can be rude. he is rude, but he’s not like that for just the sake of being so. as seen with blanc, it’s probably a result of habit. why exactly he chose to be verbally aggressive is something i’d like to know in his route.

i have no idea how the relationship shift is portrayed either, but i do hope it’s a mortifying revelation on mc’s part lol. like, lookie here, that little kid with his wee shorts and pretty hat that you hang out with all the time and don’t care about acting so ladylike around was that hot hunk who saved you before! oliver’s so amused and never letting her live it down.

for the line ‘i’m not interested in asking you about a decision you’ve made since you arrived here’: the decision mentioned is mc’s promise not to fall in love & to go home. i think oliver would be one of those routes where he falls for her but wants her to go home anyway, but the difference in his route is that he’s very adamant to make her leave. maybe thinking along the lines of ‘i don’t want you to end up like me’ or something. idk. idk what i’m trying to type at this point, lol.

just some random thought, but i do hope ikerev artist tcg someday draws mc in the game outfits / hairstyles bc she’s actually rly pretty. the description of mc’s outfits / fashion of part 4 of the fic was out of me just staring at the my closet portion of the game. don’t ask - i like the hc of oliver & mc having elegant wardrobes / fashion sense, and since i’m too lazy to check up 19th century london fashion trends...

sep 28 // collar x malice

haunted by something still alive was the result of me thinking about guns. don’t ask me either. maybe it’s also a result of me wanting to write something else that isn’t from my horrendous drafts folder lol.

these were actually nice drabble practices, and the first one i clearly had i mind was shiraishi’s. i honestly think it would be fitting, probably around the start of the route where they haven’t got to know each other so well.

from there on i tried to do the drabbles in the route order i did when i played the game, which was mineo - sasazuka - okazaki - shiraishi - yanagi. but tbh when i was writing it became shiraishi - mineo - yanagi - sasazuka - yanagi again - okazaki, lol. i rewrote yanagi’s and okazaki’s three times.

subtitles have their respective mathematical operations on it - i find it kind of cool and funny that those are their symbols (amnesia had the card suits), but when you do think of it properly, it does relate to their characters.

... never forget that hoshino ichika is canonically good with guns.

sep 28 // ikerev

in absence of glass slippers as stated was a part of one of my first ikerev drafts. still a draft until now, but the portion i posted is one of the ‘finished’ sections of the fic.

i don’t headcanon mc as a respectable lady from a equally respectable house or her being a well-off girl, but i like the concept of her being a self-taught lady of society aka she learned stuff like manners, dancing, and etc. out of curiosity or for more practical reasons like fitting in. 19th century london is still the victorian era, so social class and propriety was still a thing.

her taking off her shoes to practice dancing with ray is a sort of a challenge, actually... his measure of improvement will be based on the times that he steps on her feet / how many blisters her feet would gain by the end of the session, lolol - that’s why she says that stepping on a rock is the least of her problems. pretty hardcore, isn’t she?

thus the title actually - glass slippers (mary janes actually) are pretty delicate, but don’t you think a lady’s foot is much more delicate?

with ray’s fic up, i’ve officially written a piece for all of the black army men! nice.

sep 29 // ikerev

neither heaven or hell is holy shit, an mc-centered fic! hella rad - i was half thinking to classify it as a drabble, but since i decided that drabbles are pieces that i may get back on, i kept it as a full fic instead since i’m happy with how it turned out.

all of my screamings are in the tags, so i don’t have much to add besides that lol. however, the writing here is pretty different, and that’s because i was trying to do a three sentence fic challenge kind of thing. buuuuut it became three paragraphs with three lengthy sentences instead lol.

also, there’s some stuff highlighting mc’s london-er/english-ness. washing powder is the british term for laundry soap. 19th century roofs for royals were usually panels, and wooden beams for commoners. different as chalk and cheese is a british expression. i’m certainly not british but i just like emphasizing the fact that mc is of another culture/world, thus there should be differences in how she perceives things / her mannerisms & actions / her way of speech. i’ve been conscious of that in all of my fics involving her.

actually, i do make it a point to watch her way of speaking. i really like the polite way of speaking of 19th century britain (and also of today), so i try to integrate that despite the fact that i’m not british myself lol. it’s hard to fully convey it, but i try with hoping that it doesn’t seem too off. i should probably look for more references to practice it.

this was a very spontaneous piece with actually minor editing involved, and i’m pretty proud of how it turned out.

[docboots]

On Medical Judgment

Reading this blog, you may get a distinct idea I might desire anarchy. I do not, I simply wish to alert people to the problems of a broken system. I have had an odd obsession with fixing things for a long while. It seems to be one of the common traits of the decade, the critical eye and mind. While judgment is nothing new, I feel there has been a distinct increase in negative feedback with a sharp decrease in constructive criticism. This leads to this thought being scrutinizing, instead of a compliment. One would think having a critical mind is a good thing, and it is, should it purely be a layer.

Why I decided to ramble on this is thanks to an issue that has plagued me for a long time. I have mentioned ADHD plenty, but I am uncertain I have fully expressed how difficult it is to prove I  have it to the ones pushing out the pills. Not that I could find any to diagnose me as an adult (Was diagnosed as a child just fine. Fling all KINDS of drugs at the kid boots. FLEE from adult boots.)

It is when they use my strengths to try and prove otherwise. School was difficult due to boredom. I would be interested in the material, immensely in a number of cases, but get bored out of my skull from reiterating the same material the thousandth time. So I began to suffer academically from my mind wandering elsewhere, namely the worlds that would eventually be detailed into my fictional landscapes. I would try to explain my issues, but most teachers reacted to me like a simply a rowdy child. The flurry of bullying did not help any. I began to adapt, I learned to spread my attention properly without losing the lecture. Teachers argued with me about it, even if I was minding my own business in the corner You know the types. See you doodling and call on you to prove a point. Problem is that when I proved I was listening I was being a smart ass or..SOmething.

Anyway, the point is how I eventually was able to start getting good grades… Much later on in college. To the point that in Morrison, sure it was a scam school but they still were pushing out the material and tests, was a school I managed to get a 4.0 in. Got a certificate and anything. Least for a period. See, at that same time I was (and am) still in my eternal struggle to be treated, given guidance, something from my ‘medical professionals’ that turned useless. 60 minutes of waiting after my appointment time only to get a ten-minute piece with someone impatient. Even less for someone who ended up pushing some terrible antidepressants on me. Including one that, even though I went there initially asking for help on ADHD… Though admittedly vague since at this point I had plenty of people accuse me of wanting to pop off and sell the medicine on the street. Instead of taking the fucking things for the fact my mind is like having a series of hyper children try to explain you different subjects that fascinate them all at once. It is disjointed, voices overlapping, chaos, madness, and eventually, one of the trains of thoughts get lost in the scuffle.

They instead look towards my records. Claiming ‘Well if how did you do so well in school if you had ADHD?’ Well, though I was certain I explained this (as well as you can with a medical ‘professional’ rushing you, having you take these written tests and then saying they tell her as much as looking at them through mud) it wasn’t easy. In fact, I wasn’t all that great at first. There was a period where I was fine and dandy… ish. That period I was on Dexedrine (hilariously, the one they will only give to children) before being shuffled through medications that you do ‘better’ but instead made me claustrophobic even in open fields. The academic achievement award I put on my wall isn’t up there because I consider it a trophy in standard academia, especially given the scam college that gave it to me, but as a milestone.

Even as doctors would refuse to diagnose, treat, or even give much guidance towards controlling my ADHD… I managed to get one of those. It had involved week after week of swollen limbs and organs. The stress of college does horrid things to HAE. Especially when stressing over affording your pot, and having to deal with that nightmare pre-legalization (in my state.) and more all culminate in one lovely festering stress god. Controlling your life through your blood, keeping you from going or doing certain things at the flick of the wrist. ONe moment you can plan to go for a 3-mile hike, the day comes and you have to cancel because apparently, your lower intestines are now the size of a golf ball, along with all the lovely little issues that likes to cause for the next few days.

So, yeah, it was a WEE BIT fucking difficult to do well. Especially with doctors like that trying to use my struggle as the hammer of justice against the drug dealer I am not.

This same rage can be spread so far with me though. Treated like a criminal because I use pot for my difficulties, to the point I have lost jobs or never been hired at all for a drug test because I wouldn’t take the things TRULY ruining my mind and body. To supposedly protect me from this green herb from destroying my mind and body. I haven’t hurt a DAMNED soul in my attempts to get my medicine, barring maybe ranting their ear off for telling me to meet them in a shady parking lot next to a bus station at 1 in the morning, leave me waiting for a few fucking hours to the point I search for them. Only to return to find my window broken into and my e-cigarette missing. My medicine would have been wonderful for the stress that caused, and the swelling that followed.

Against, it is fucking laughable the bad luck I have. Plenty that have had bursts of FAR WORSE luck don’t get me wrong. It just seems like I have dealt with a lot of uniquely weird and infuriating issues that made me feel disgusted, humiliated, hurt, or just... Confused. Most of which leads, of course, to the demon of Hereditary Angioedema barking in my ear. Then instead of some advisement, knowledge, or what have you… More often than not you get treated like part of a grander problem.

Now here is why I am typing this. This is the little cliff-notes bit of knowledge I want to make sure so many know. The thing I want to scream at the world. I just haven’t yet figured out how to do so in a short and sweet manner:

When the world has beaten you down; when it has slammed your cheek and face against the curb and you have the yank yourself up. If you, at any point, attack an innocent party in some way… If done right, don't count venting, passionate ranting… When you begin to treat them as part of a problem they never had anything to do with you have a very high chance of becoming a part of that person’s bad day. A story about their bad life.

I am certain none of the people I rant about were out to get me. They were trying to protect their careers (especially thanks to the deserved scrutiny the prescription business is getting), trying to go on with their lives, trying to assist others, or maybe just a little spacy. I am no better at this than anyone else. I have had days where I am so angry I am a walking demon.

I try to be conscious of it. I try to fix my situations quickly, try to contain my rage and leave it for rants on the internet where I don’t use names. Specifically, because I try not to remember the names of my darkness. It is the good things in my life I like to assign names and labels to. They’ll stay longer in my memory. And, theoretically, the darker elements would stand out so strongly.

I don’t even know if the medicine will be any better than the medical marijuana. Thanks to having to buy from specials, I can’t quite get exactly what I  need. The strains work, I am still figuring out the...er.. ‘Dosage’ if you will. Though the best part is no fear of overdose. Of frying my mind. Of becoming an emotionless rock.

I’ve been through many flavors of hell. Physical, emotional, fictional… I have studied horror for ages and tried to think of every traditional and pop culture monster from multiple angles.

Yet still, nothing terrifies me like the idea of being trapped in my own mind again. Going through the entire process of getting and finding a medicine. After years of hoping and praying, only to instead find yourself everything D.A.R.E warned you about when it comes to the medicine that ACTUALLY helps me. Mind you, I stopped taking it for a period for fear it wouldn’t allow me to properly judge the effects. Minus when an HAE attack happened. Was my ONLY pain relief. As I am sure you may have gathered, I’d be opposed to opioids or any other pain medications that my fry my mind. It might be due to ADHD causing my dopamine productions to be faulty, but marijuana has proven oddly helpful.

Pot never made me feel like I was melting into the couch. My mind still was working on something in the least. On some of those medications? I… ‘heard’ them in my minds eyes. They were murky, in a haze. It was like you were expecting to watch Death Note but got the Netflix version instead, on a staticy channel. On a tv where half the screen is broken because some alcoholic asshole punched it.

I would just sit there. I’d hear the outside world like it was in another room. See it through constant tunnel vision. My thoughts all restrained. I truly and completely felt trapped inside myself. COuld move around otherwise fine, I just had so little energy to do so. Motivation, which already is a concept I struggle with, now seem just... Missing. I wasn’t just lacking it. I suddenly seemed devoid of the piece of me that care or ever felt such things.

The final story I think I’ve mentioned, but I surely will never get over. Two, technically, but they are short and connected. Disability requires a comprehensive packet on your health to be filled out. I, of course, checked it first. Even after explaining in detail and there being plenty of resources, such as official websites, for them to consult... They got EVERYTHING wrong. They even put, under how it affects me, nothing more than ‘When he is not having a flare up, he is a perfectly healthy 20-something male.’ Which, given the packet is about my DISORDER not those brief stints when I am not having a flare up... Not only that, they ignored me entirely and put that the Epi-pens works on me. When not only did they not, they just seemed to make the whole matters a hint worse thanks to suddenly feeling like I had been hit by a bolt of adrenaline.

Maybe this is why the last denial letter I got(what feels like a year ago since I filed for that appeal) claimed that while they recognized me as disabled, I could stand it.

The lot of them are probably why my sanity feels like it is dwindling. It is almost like they are trying to gaslight me. If this is true, all they are managing to do is give me confirmation the lot of them are incompetent and incapable of handling my medical care.

The worst part is all of this seemed to snap something in me. That 4.0 began to gradually drop. Now I am pretty sure I never let myself dip down below 3.0, but still... I stopped caring for that perfection. What was the point? If it was justing going to be used as a tool to cut away my personal achievements... I figured the one piece of paper was enough. I figured I shouldn't try so hard. All it lead to was pain and agony, then judgment for it.

I never seem to keep that thought for long, since here I am. Whining to the internet in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, my words can help pound away the problems in this machine. CLear the rust and stains. Maybe then they'll stop making me feel like such a broken cog.

So… Do you see the problem?