#anyway nothing really changes they still sleep in the same bed bc they're used to it now they don't tell anyone they just move on w their

[cowboyabunga]

megstiel is a great ship you guys just hate women :(

[keyotosprompts]

sweet nothing ₊˚⊹♡

domestic prompts

⇴ person a being mad at person b, so person b gives them some alone time. only to find person a trying to drag them back to bed bc they miss person b’s presence.

⇴ ^ "i thought you wanted some space?" "i don't need space, i need you" (died)

⇴ going over to family dinner with either person a/b and their sibling/younger cousin is IN LOVE with their partner. like they follow them everywhere and get mad when you guys act like a couple.

⇴ "are you jealous?" "of a child? no way." and person a SMIRKS.

⇴ person a wakes up earlier than the other, but person b is latching on so tightly and their sleeping face is just so cute that person a just falls back asleep anyway.

⇴ that thing when you guys are in bed and your legs wrap around each other. but you're also so close that your head is resting on their bicep and you're caged in their body.

⇴ grocery shopping with their partner. "we do not need those." "but they're so good!!"

⇴ target shopping with their partner. there's something very domestic and sweet about just hanging out in target for an hour or two.

⇴ i'll do you one better: IKEA SHOPPING WITH YOUR PARTNER. the furniture shopping banter. "does this match our living room or do you think it's too much?" followed by "well if we get that coffee table we'll have to get that rug." holding hands throughout IKEA while looking for home decorations.

⇴ person a is blasting music in the shower and person b is singing to it outside the bathroom. person b is so used to it by now and they know all of person a's favorite songs by heart.

⇴ staying beside the other when one of them is doing something. person a is working relentlessly hard on this one task. person b is just sitting there next to them on the couch/bed holding their hand.

⇴ "do you think this looks reasonable or should i change it up a bit?" "maybe switch that up a bit babe" [followed by a kiss on the hand for moral support]

⇴ cooking a meal together in the kitchen with fun music in the back, with occasional messes on the other person's face. person a smears flour on person b's face and person b flicks water on person a's face.

⇴ reading a book together and person b is providing commentary while person a keeps shushing them. person b continues the commentary, because deep down person a enjoys their voice.

⇴ ^ "shh. it just got good." "which is why i have to gasp and voice my opinion!"

⇴ watching tiktoks while the other person is around. (is this niche?)

⇴ having a routine together. like, person a & b are brushing teeth together while person b wraps their arms around person a and leaning into the nape of their neck (they are tired and they want to go back to sleep with a).

⇴ ^ bonus points if person b is extra groggy and still has their sexy morning voice. "i think i'm already missing you," person b says while their head is literally resting on person a's neck. "you're literally right here with me."

⇴ OR alternatively... person a & b are both doing their skincare together, except person b's skincare routine is entirely based off of person a and person a was their "dermatologist"

⇴ sleeping in the same bed, except person a is a blanket hogger and person b is sick of it. so, as a solution, person b literally just holds person a so close to their body so that the blanket isn't stolen in the middle of the night.

⇴ trying to figure out how to defrost a car (i struggled my first time and i would have really enjoyed for someone to HELP)

[prismuffin]

[Okay so homie ignore this if ur busy I just NEED 47 content and ur one of the only ones to provide it a req I guess????? LOVE U HOMIE 💞💞💞💞💞💞-

Anyway:]

PICK YOUR POISON:

Romantic:

So 47 with a genderfluid reader (Bc I KNOW u simp for this man and u are absolutely unhinged when it comes to your fav characters 😤)? Maybe a romantic candlelit dinner and it's basically really fluffy??? Imagine this it's been 2 years since he's taken you into captivity he's been nothing but kind to you and you find yourself catching stockholm syndrome. Maybe they share a sweet little kiss?

Or or or

Platonic:

Dad!47 with an agender reader? Maybe reader tries to escape or just in general rebels against dear old dad? I just wanna see how you'd write reader running away and 47 reacting to reader escaping from his tightly secured home- 😈

(Also remember that if u pick one I'll put the one u didn't pick in a new req once they're open again and I'll add another option to pick from)

A/n: Ahh yes, hello Ghost YOU DID NOT HAVE TO EXPOSE ME ABT SIMPING FOR 47 OK?!- But Ik you like a dad!47 so I went with that one

Escapade

Yandere!Father!Agent 47 x gn!reader

( summary: after asking to go to a party leads to an argument with your father, 47, you decide to rebel for one night and leave anyway )

Warnings?: Mentions of drinking, Yandere 47 so, possessiveness, stalking/being followed, mentions of an argument, 47 cornering the reader, mentions of guns, mentions of poisons and poisoning, normal Hitman violence- reader can be a teen or adult you choose!!

!-!more under the cut!-!

“No.”

“What?”

“I said no.”

“Why not?!”

47’s deadpan expression didn’t waver as he took a sip of his tea, the warmth of the liquid was evident to you even from where you stood. “Because I said so.” You almost audibly laughed at that, currently you were attempting asking your father to let you leave the house to go to a party that you had been invited to by one of the only people your father lets you talk to. He’s let you out of the house before so you don’t get why he won’t let you go this time. "That's not even an answer." "I don't want you going, drop it." You closed your mouth, swallowing any further protests as you did. "Fine," quickly, you stormed off to your room, making sure to not slam the door.

You huffed as you stuffed a bag with some extra clothing. You carefully picked out which garments you threw in there, you'd change later. You picked up a hunters knife from your desk and hid it in your boot. You’ve been with your dad for long enough to know that sneaking out was possible but not plausible. After he notices your absence, you practically have a specific amount of time before he locates you and drags you back home.

You’ve only attempted this once before way back when you’d first been taken. You were a child then and were able to escape using the vents that led through to the outside. You were only gone for what felt like a matter of seconds in your kid brain, though in reality you know if was longer. It took you a while to accept your “new life” as 47 put it. He was your father and though you know he took you from your real parents at this point there’s not much you can do about it now. You can’t remember what your old life used to be like so you don’t feel as bad when thinking about it. Instead, you’re glad that your father cares so much and even after earning his trust enough for you to go out semi-often his protective nature can still get overbearing at times. You’ve totally spotted him trailing you when you’re out with the only people that 47 let’s you talk to. Sometimes you wonder if they’re just actors he’s hired to make you stop whining about not meeting new people.

You scoffed at the thought as you zipped up your bag, you had a few rations of food and some water bottles in case you got thirsty, you were to wait until your father goes to bed and then you’d act, he sleeps around the same time every night when he’s not taking mission and it’s usually a pretty early time so there should be no problem with getting to the party late. All you had to do now was wait.

—TS—

The house was cold and dark, the shiny tiles reflected the light from the full moon that shone through the large windows. You'd be foolish to go through the front door knowing the system your dad has set up this whole house would come down on top of you if you were to trigger any alarms. Your heart raced and you steadied your breathing as you walked barefoot through the halls. Your father had an armory within the house that had a crawlspace designed for quick escapes. The heavy disguised door let out an even colder draft as you opened it. Flicking on your flashlight you pointed it into the dark room, stepping in and shutting the weighted door behind you as quietly as you could. You swear you could see your breath as you creeped through the cold armory, elevating your heels to feel less of the cold on your feet.

You quickly placed the flashlight in your mouth as you crouched down near the wall. Pulling a lockpick from your pocket, you undid the lock of the crawlspace as quick as you could, the cold of the room stiffening your movements slightly. After getting it open you crawled in, throwing your backpack further ahead first so that you could properly close the door to the makeshift tunnel. The space led you to a small room near the garage, the only way out other than the place you just came from was a large vent that sat in the corner. With a bit of struggle you were able to get high enough to unscrew it and crawl through.

You had done it, you'd made it outside, and though you knew you'd left an obvious trail of where you'd gotten out it was fine to you. Avoiding the cameras, you found your bike near the trail in front of your house and grabbed it. It was now that you put on your shoes, hoping that you hadn't left any obvious trails up until this point. You rode through the forests, breaking off from the main trail near the beginning to a less taken hikers trail that was blocked off halfway down the mountain.

Eventually you'd made your way to the main streets, riding all the way until you hit a gas station. It was there that you freshened up in their bathroom, changing your clothes into a more appealing outfit for the party. You then continued your ride to the address your friend had given you, your smile growing as you heard music as you continued to near the place. But no matter how happy you currently were your father was quite the opposite.

Looking at the cameras, his signature expression changed ever so slightly as he frowned. You'd escaped his watchfulness, honestly he hadn't expected you to get so far. By the time he awoke you were already outside, the crawlspace he guessed, and upon inspection he was right. He was quick to check his cameras, he had them aligned with the main trail to get to the house and at first he was able to locate you, but you'd obviously gone off path because the next second you weren't in frame anymore. He sighed, rolling up the sleeves of his black turtle neck. He stood, going to grab everything he thinks he'll need. Guns, knives, and syringes of multiple poisons littered the walls and counters of his basement. Explosives? He doesn't think it'll get that serious.

Sedative? Perfect.

He packs his coins and garrote wire along and sets off to track you.

"I'm so glad you could make it Y/n!" You friend yells over the loud music and you cheer back. "Me too! It took a while to convince my dad but I made it!" You lied, clinking your drink with them before chugging it back. "Oh shit-" Your friend stumbled and you snorted, almost choking on your drink as you laughed. "Ughhh here, take my drink," you said, handing your cup to your friend, "I gotta piss." "Let me go with youuu," they slurred and you shook your head. "I'll be right back it's right over...there!" You saidd, pointing dramatically towards the open bathroom door. "Plus I need someone to watch my drink." they sighed before waving you off, mumbling a fine as you skipped your way to the bathroom.

"Woops, sorry!" Your friend said after someone bumped into them. The person hadn't responded though and quickly got lost in the crowd of people. Checking that none of your drink spilled on them, your friend sighed at the lack of liquid on their clothing. Lifting the cup to their lips they paused, before laughing at themselves. "That's- That is not my drink~," they giggled at themselves before pushing your cup away from them.

Sooner rather than later you came back to your friend, swooping your drink out of their hand you took a sip as they immediately went back to talking to you. After a while though the lights started to blur together, it felt different from the previous effects of the slightly alcoholic beverages you'd been drinking and you struggled to keep your eyes open.

"Hey I'm gonna go get some air-" You tried to yell over the music but you're not sure how loud you'd actually been speaking. Stumbling out of the party you were met with the fresh cold night air, a stark contrast to the humid environment inside. You walked a little ways away from the intimate couples that littered around the front of the house. You blinked slowly as you caught your breath, you felt a little better but not by much.

A clinking noise caught your attention, in between the houses where the fence clashed with the opposite houses, creating a dark alleyway. Curious, you walked towards it, well, more like stumbled as your feet seemed to work against you. As you neared the location of the sound you were met with something shiny, a quarter. You picked it up, inspecting it a bit. "Nice," you slurred, putting the shiny metal into your pocket before standing back up. You stumbled backwards into a sturdy surface, a wall maybe? That you swear wasn't there before.

Turning, you came face to face with the bright blue eyes of your father. A gasp escaped you as you tried to back away, tripping over your own feet causing you to fall to the hard ground. You groaned as your father crouched down to you. "You never should have disobeyed me." Your vision blurred a bit more as you attempted to defend yourself. "What's wrong? Feeling a bit tired?" His voice warped in your ears as you fought the urge to keep your eyes open. "Let's get you home dear," Your eyes finally shut as your father grabbed ahold of your now limp body.

Waking up in your bed, you groaned as the slight hangover caused a pounding pain in your head. You moved to get up only to feel a slight tug on your limbs, halting your movements.

"Huh? Wh-"

Your eyes scanned your form, noticing that all of your limbs were handcuffed to the posts of your bed. "It's a precaution." Your head snapped to the side, where your father was sitting in a chair near the door. His expression, unhappy. You gulped, the false hope that you'd be able to sneak out of your house without getting caught felt so foolish now as his intense gaze practically swallowed you whole. When you'd be unchained, you weren't sure, maybe days or weeks even. But you do know that it'd be better for you if you just do as instructed from here on out. For your fathers punishments were never for the faint of heart.

———

Thanks for reading! Have a great day/night!!

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Masterlist

[nicistrying]

Thurs 1st August

2.39am and I am wide awake bc my mother in law is being a total nightmare. She's been mostly great all through wedding planning, they are doing us a huge favour by looking after Maggie so we didn't have to put her in kennels. But now they've suddenly decided they really wanted to stay at the hotel, which we said 8 months ago when we asked them to have Maggie that we didn't want her staying there, bc she would be stuck in the room all day, and if a cleaner went in she would be territorial of the room so she'd probably have to be muzzled, and we would be so stressed about making sure people were going to check on her etc. They said this was all fine, they were planning to go home on the night anyway, no problem. But now because there are empty rooms they are having a fit that they can't stay. I get that that's frustrating but we would be so uncomfortable with Maggie being in a hotel full of 60+ people, she'd be so so stressed and it would not be fair to her.

So his mam has then been telling us we shouldn't be paying for empty rooms, but it was in the contract we signed 18 months ago that any empty rooms still need paid for because they're all booked out for our guests, which is fair and from what I can tell is standard for any wedding venue so we would be in the same situation literally wherever we had the wedding. We've explained that to her several times over the past few months and she would not take no for an answer bc she's used to kicking up such a fuss that people just give in to her.

So she had been having this discussion AGAIN with Matt yesterday, and she said she was 'going for a walk near there anyway so she would pop in to talk about it' and he told her not to, because there is nothing to discuss, everything is under control and nothing needs changed. The venue then emailed us saying she had been in wanting to discuss the rooms and thank god the wedding coordinators weren't there to discuss with her. So they emailed us saying rooms can be made up at the last minute if anyone else decides to stay etc as I think they assumed that was maybe what she wanted. Matt sent her their email and said Idk what you wanted to discuss but there's the reply, and she replied 'they said the wedding coordinator would call me and I told them not to tell you!'

Obviously Matt's reply was of course they told us, it is actually our wedding. Then she starts saying how upset she is that she's being left out of the wedding and feels like she doesn't know what's going on. But we've TOLD HER every single update, we talk wedding planning every time we see her, I've offered to take her dress shopping multiple times and she didn't want to go with me, I asked her to send photos of her mam for a memory table and she just never did, we asked her to make our cake, she is a witness to our marriage and will be on the fucking certificate. What else did she want?! She's been just as involved as, if not more than, anyone else. We said from the very start we wanted to do it all ourselves and that's what we've done but we've kept them in the loop the whole time. I genuinely don't know what else we ahould have done. I'm at my fucking wit's end with her I am so stressed and it's literally all because of his family being dicks. My face is breaking out, stress eczema is coming out, I can't eat or sleep. I had a bag of crisps and 4 squares of chocolate for dinner then went to bed and lay awake. His one brother and his wife who we get on really well with have been so supportive bc they've already been through this. Like we were so worried about my family behaving themselves but they're all actually being really chill about everything. We really didn't think his would be such a nightmare

But on the bright side, my sister in law (the one married to the nice brother) helped me make these lovely glasses for everyone having hair and makeup done and it took us 4 hours and we just ranted about this stupid fucking family the whole time and it was v v cathartic

[myfemininedivine]

Can you please tell us what ending you planned for Taste? Always wondered if stupid Eva would have come back in the last chapters and what else you planned. It's my favorite story of yours.

I’ll give a very very bad and horrible run down of the last few chaps I had. I deeply apologize for not finishing, but I’m sure you understand. Still, im so sorry to not finish something I started.

The run down for the rest of TASTE would've been this:

Basically, if we focusing on the main couple..... (not gonna explain the smut but just know ofc it woulda been there)

WE LOVE IN SEPTEMBER:

I wanted to focus on all the miscommunication/horrible commitment issues. Most of the focus is on Lexi’s past relationship (guy basically ghosts her, moves out without comment, had commitment issues, extremely similar to Fezco in some ways except he never quite gets attached to Lexi unless she had other ppl after her; was planning on this guy and Fezco meeting in this chapter — Fezco does not know that this guy is the infamous ex).

You get a glimpse into Fezco and Lexi as an actual pairing, not just sex partners. Lot more domestic. curtains are OPEN. Fezco asks about her past relationship and gets the full picture. He sleeps over at her place most nights. He wants her to know that he’s serious about her, so they redo their entire first meeting. Retrace their footsteps under diff context. They go on an actual date, not just some meet up at the same diner I featured them in. She does meet Ash; some faye interaction. We r finally seeing a revealed business fezco voice!!!! lexi is like oh that's fine af actually.

Fezco does meet up with Eva to completely cut the tie. He feels that the only string between them is the fact that she sort of changed his life — I believe that it would’ve been like this reveal: how he got his job? She was the connect!!! And so he feels obligated to be there for her. From what I remember???). Lexi finds this out through Rue.

So, she inevitably doesn't know how to confront him. It doesn't matter tho bc Fezco tells her the moment that they meet!!!!!!

Anyway!

Rue is still plowing through relationship issues. Lexi meets up with Jules and basically sees the effects of heartbreak and gets some bad after taste of it. Jules reveals that it's not that she doesn't love Rue, it's that she doesn't know if they're ready or if they'll ever be ready. She's struggling with trusting the future. This sucks to Lexi. She trusts Fezco, but she also trusted rue and Jules relationship as it was the only stable relationship she had ever been exposed to. If not them, why would it would for her? (and nothing works out for her fr so it's like.)

Core thing is that Lexi is not really sure if she’s capable of trusting someone. All she knows is that she loves him and love is a fleeting, futile thing that doesn't have reason. Without reason, she goes to Fezco's apartment that same night, totally withdrawn and troubled, and he opens the door, doesn't ask question, pulls her into bed with him. This is where he tells her that he sort of really likes her, and she says that sort of really likes him. At first she's content with just that, but then he says something like 'I sort of really more than like you' and all of these thoughts sort of float and die away somewhere between that.

WE BLEED IN OCTOBER:

Halloween party is held to take place as planned by Fezco and Lexi (trying their absolute hardest to rekindle Jules/Rue) annnnddd Fezco does invite Lexi’s ex without realizing !!! It goes batshit crazy!!!!! Rue and Jules do not interact, Fezco's lead to believe that they're rlly done with each other (plot twist tho as Jules and Rue do reconcile and get caught being steamy in another room!!!!! who woulda thought !!!!!).

Lexi sees her ex, gets into a splat where this man is just DYING to get back w her all of a sudden since he seen Lexi and Fezco being full adults in love and shit. The guy does ask if Fezco is her boyfriend, and she hesitates. Fezco overhears this, basically gets this guy out and the energy between him and lexi just BOOM EXPLODE. They go into a separate room, have bit of an argument because he's confused as to why she didn't call him her boyfriend; she says she doesn't know why she hesitated.

Then, he says, "I love you, do you love me?"

She says yes but she admits to not knowing how to fully allow herself to. This literally KILLS him. Fezco says he's not a science experiment for her to prick and play with, and she either wants him or doesn't. They either work or they don't.

Lexi doesn't respond.

Fezco's distraught but calmly decides to take a break with their relationship at the end of this chapter. He isn't angry, he just really wishes they'd met with different intentions/desires.

WE FEAR IN NOVEMBER

you know how the chapter starts with the month? I was thinking of just being like "November." and then having blank space like BITCHHH LFAOOOOO I thought I was so slick for thinking of starting the chap all ominious with the twilight shit (Bellas depressed era!!!!).

ANYWAY. November.

Set the scene. They don’t talk. It’s hard to do that shit when you’re always 1 degree away from the person and planning a very very very small wedding ceremony that's due in 3 weeks. And the worst part? He doesn’t ignore her. He looks her in the eye, pretends as though they never tore away from each other. like !!!! He has literally no animosity for her and she's so riddled with guilt that she doesn't know how to soothe the fact that they aren't together without being selfish, saying she wants him when she, herself, is pretty broken in some way. but she loves him. she knows it but it's hard to accept that 'this' (her) is all she has to offer. She wishes he’d ignore her. He wishes she had more decency to not ignore him.

Wedding ceremony happens. Lexi IS best girl as Fezco IS best man, and they do walk down the aisle together. very much tension!!!! He tells her that she's beautiful!!!!!!! and she tells him that she misses him, to no response from him as the have to go on and walk in front of everyone. a bit gloomy but Fezco does stay looking at Lexi, and they do have a lil dance moment later in the night.

While everyone is cooling at the lil wedding after party, Lexi confesses to Rue that she always wanted something like that, what she has with Jules. And Rue basically hints that Lexi does even if it incarnated differently. Gives her some pep talk. If Jules didn't confront Rue, they wouldn't have gotten back together vice versa on if Rue didn't ask Jules out, they would've never been together. The chances of finding someone is slim and fleeting, that's why you grip onto the ones that root something into you. Fezco (of course) leaves the party.

Lexi does show up at his apartment later that night. He opens the door, doesn't know what to say but Lexi says that she's not all together, being broken and all. Fezco says that he is too, so they're of the same thing. A beat and then she says I love you and you love me. Fezco nods, says every little piece.

This terrifies Lexi and, in conjunction, terrifies Fezco. but what's worse to her is not being with him. And, thank the lucky stars, as he says some shit like “well I guess we gonna be scared together huh?” And she brightens up and says that she's never been so happy to be scared.

WE TASTE IN DECEMBER:

More of an epilogue. A calm after all that stupid shit.

Lexi decides to renew her apartment lease as does Fezco. They upgrade them friendship bracelets!!!!! Ash got himself a girl, on the phone with Fezco as he's getting ready for a lil party.

Reveal that mans has apartment key privileges!! He's letting himself in her apt and calling out her name !!!!

New years party that will be held at Jules's/rue's place (woop woop), Lexi is late as always but it’s ok bc daddy Fezco is there to joke about her needing to wear heels so she can stop running from him!!!!!!!!!!! They go, separate for a bit at the party where she DOES refer to him as her boyfriend, as he does refer to her as his girlfriend; then come back to the couch where they originally met. Lexi sits first, Fezco finds her this time!!! He jokes about whether she’s still in the streets and she says some cheesy shit like yeah, waiting for you (and we scream TOUCHDOWN!!!!). Fezco and Lexi basically simmer in their seats, smiling and kissing and finally fully engulfed, entwined to the soul.

P.S. Guilty pleasures would've morph into a connection between both characters; more interpersonal things rather than materialistic/celebratory items.

Here’s some of the writing that sits all glum! Hope this explanation gives plenty of closure.

[daz4i]

ok one last suicide post for today and i swear i'll try to be more chill after that. emphasis on try

(fair warning this is very whiny and negative) (also tw for somewhat graphic death stuff)

i am sooooo done with everything. it's nothing new, i just. can't stand being alive for even one more day. getting out of bed was so hard today bc what's even the point. and tomorrow i actually have some shit to do and i'm already exhausted. already have been exhausted for a few days. i hate routines i hate that every week is the same i hate that the only shit that can spice it up is like, medical appointments. i look at my calendar and i see i have nothing to look forward to and nothing going on besides usual shit + medical shit. and i'm tired of those too. and i'm back to being in pain every day so it feels like all the food changes i made were for nothing and I've just been extra suffering for nothing bc i'm still. in fucking. pain.

and like beyond the personal shit i'm also done with bigger stuff too! i'm tired of the war i'm tired of seeing so much suffering in the world i'm tired of seeing loved ones going to funerals of ppl in their 20s. i'm tired of people dismissing this pain bc there are other bigger issues, or because our lives don't matter bc the number of losses is lower (or bc they just fucking hate us and can't see us as individual humans rather than some homogeneous group). i'm tired of seeing ppl i love care less about other lives bc of this, too. i don't want to live here. i hate this country so much. i can't leave, i can't even manage to leave my parents' house. i'm scared to live here. i'm scared to live anywhere else bc everywhere in the world is unsafe for ppl like me. everywhere sucks. everything in the world sucks so much. anything that can be beautiful gets taken away or destroyed. the world is becoming worse every day in every conceivable way.

and there's no point to any of this! there's no point in trying to get better or to make things better!!! BECAUSE the world is going to shit!!! what's the point in me making my mental health better (an already very unlikely task to fulfill) if there's nowhere for me to live. what's the point in working in the only field i can handle if i won't be able to make a living off it. what's the point in trying to build a life of my own if it'll never really be mine anyway, bc i can't fucking do anything, i can't even do basic shit like eating or sleeping like a normal person, i can't walk or stand for too long, i can't be outside for so many reasons, i can't talk to people and i can't handle being alone, i'm always in pain and constantly nauseous no matter what i do or how i try to fix it, nothing about my body works right and especially not my brain that can't fucking do anything right and only keeps working to make everything about me worse. i wish i was brave enough to just stab myself or smth. preferably in the head so i can shut that brain up for once. i wish i was brave enough to jump off the 9th floor. i wish i could drown myself or cut myself till i bleed to death or. i don't know. i just want to die. i can't stand being alive. there is too much bad and the specks of good are so fleeting that they're not worth it, not to mention come with their own bad stuff usually. and all this. all this bad is just too much for me to handle. but it's a natural part of life that i can't avoid (tbf, most people don't staight up suffer to the point of wanting to die from like, eating or going to the bathroom, so it's probably easier for them). i was not meant to be alive i was not built to be alive i wish i died in the who knows how many times i almost did i wish i drowned as a kid i wish i bled to death when i split my head open i wish my heart actually stopped pumping blood when it almost did i wish that truck ran into me and killed me on the spot i wish the fucking terrorists shot me or stabbed me and made sure i was dead i wish those 30 pills would've actually done something. i'm so tired. i hate this. i hate being alive. i hate life itself. i'm done with everything i can't handle it anymore. i wish i wasn't a coward so i could at least try to die again. or someone was willing to kill me. or anything. i just. i can't.

[la0hu]

unofficial iud recovery log everyone avert your eyes:

june 13th (tuesday) i got it in, experienced pretty bad cramps and light watery spotting discharge, nothing too bad tho. note: this would have also been day 1 of my period

day after i just had slightly bloody watery discharge but also insane bad cramps and lightheadedness; i did almost pass out for a couple hours and felt emotionally numb / extremely weird mood that i was worried would be permanent

thursday i took off sick and had bad cramps; i believe my bleeding started to pick up so i had to start using tampons again, changing every 4 hours

friday terrible cramps, lightheaded again, bleeding really picked up + clotting so changing tampons every 2-3 hours. super lightheaded right before my hair appointment but it subsided by dinner time

yesterday and today, cramps are being managed by alternating advil and tylenol, changing tampons every 2 hours during heaviest flow and every 4 hours at night. blood flow is pretty heavy but still lighter and with less clotting than my period. in general i feel a bit weak, but my mood is normal

update: monday, cramps and bleeding lessened somewhat but still need to take meds and use tampons :( ; negligible bleeding last night

tuesday: no bleeding last night, bleeding is lighter today, no tampons but sitting around all day anyway. clotting is still kind of heavy. cramps are weaker but still needed to take advil.

wednesday: no bleeding last night. bleeding definitely lessened so that i don't need tampons anymore, but there's still clotting. cramps have also lessened but they're definitely not fun to sit through; had trouble telling if i had bad indigestion or cramps in the evening, which was not fun

thursday: i bled last night >:( but in general my flow feels a little bit lighter (still with clotting). low level cramps still, so slight i don't notice them until i realize i don't want to move or stand up straight out of discomfort. flow picked up in the evening though, and i did end up using tampons again :(

friday: bled last night and needed to get up in the middle of the night. when will i get a full night of sleep again... flow feels the same as yesterday, which is to say still annoying and heavy by most people's standards, but manageable by mine. cramps have calmed down a little? it's getting easier to skip the advil, but i still need it.

saturday: bled only a tiny bit at night. woke up with terrible cramps, but that's probably bc i was so hungover. flow is markedly lighter; i used some regular tampons, but i left them in and forgot about them and used a cotton pad with no issues, and when i took them out, i noticed my flow had slowed down a lot.

sunday: full night of sleep. woke up with no cramps, but they kicked in by midday and i needed advil. blood flow was very light, heaviest in the afternoon and tapering off as the evening came on.

monday: full night of sleep, no bleeding at all! cramps didn't kick in until midday. bleeding is light and with much less clotting than before. TMI but in the shower i could feel my cervix had moved back up, which is where is normally lives when i'm not on my period (before this point, it had been lower and nearer to the entrance of my vagina as it is when i'm on my period). worst symptom right now is the cramping

tuesday: no cramping at all, and during the day bleeding is not exactly light but manageable with no tampons.

wednesday: bleeding picked up at night; at 3am i woke up and put in an extra large tampon, and at 9:30 this morning i removed it and it was completely bled through. no cramps though. in the evening i felt my iud strings poking my labia somewhat painfully; i didn't feel any plastic, but my strings felt markedly longer than before. my bleeding picked up a lot after this point. i had to re-tuck my strings a second time before bed.

thursday: had to get up in the night again. cramps are different, less painful than normal period cramps but not like anything i've felt before. bleeding is very heavy again, comparable to the first week post insertion. before my appointment, i felt more pain and lightheadedness, probably because i ate a small breakfast and then didn't eat until 3:30.

[fairycosmos]

this is random but like obviously we're in an internet culture or whatever where mental illnesses are basically being glamorized under the guise of "awareness" like it's cool to brag about depression/anxiety now and I absolutely hate it like I feel like we're sometimes moving backwards but also with that has come this weird "anti-recovery" stance a lot where like people completely disregard like meditation or going on a walk because they're like "OH YEAHHHH thankksss my depression is cured now 🙄" and like obviously no one is saying depression goes away by doing that stuff but it also makes life more enjoyable?? like going on a walk on a sunny day definitely brings more happiness to you than laying on your bed in the dark that can't just be disregarded because it's not a full on cure (also, meditation has quite a bit of science surrounding it about it's effects on the mind). i saw a tweet earlier that was like "students with anxiety should not be forced to present in class" and I understand the sentiment (and I also understand it's not the same thing as my example before) but as someone who had severe anxiety since childhood, like literally would cry before presentations, being forced to do presentations is what made me slightly less anxious. ofc it's not the same for everyone but almost every job requires presentations and life in general requires you to speak to people and the whole point of recovery is to be able to function a little bit better in life. idk I feel like the purpose gets ignored so much in the name of accomodations. I'm not saying accomodations shouldn't be made (they absolutely should in many cases) , but I feel like being in that fixed mindset that you're life *can't* be changed for the better is such a dangerous idea prevalent on the internet. sorry for this random rant I just needed to get it out lol

omg yessss >:( lets Dis Cus this bc it irks me too and i can’t sleep. to be honest throughout my teenage years i feel like i’ve noticed this very weird mentality just continue to develop online when it comes to mental illness. on the one hand it’s clear that most ppl esp kids can not afford or do not have access to the treatment they need  - like they don’t have any real world support so they just turn to the internet without thinking too much ab it. but because of that it’s a well of misinfo with literally no boundaries or critical thought. there’s definitely this self pitying competitive almost passive aggressive, even infantilizing, aspect to the way the topic is approached. like most therapists will give you these same standard self help techniques - go for a walk, do some meditation, breathing exercises - not to cure the mental disorder but to alleviate the effects of it in the moment. and i think teenagers or even ppl in general just like brushing that off bc it makes them feel like their pain is just simply too unique and deep to be confronted lmfao. also they often make their depression and anxiety a whole personality trait which causes them to take any well intentioned suggestion offered as a personal attack. when it comes to presenting in class, i’m kinda on the fence. i don’t think anyone should be forced, i think it should be a case by case sort of thing. maybe modifying for each individual child’s needs. for example, if a kid is really anxious over presenting in front of the class, the teacher could perhaps allow them to present in front of a smaller group instead so they still get the experience of public speaking without that much pressure, you know? and then they could work on building up to going in front of a bigger crowd bit by bit. i only say that bc i know different ppl respond differently to that sort of thing and i used to miss a lot of school out of pure (mental illness induced) fear which was just overall bad for me LOL. like you said accommodations come in handy when necessary i totally agree w that. anyway yeah like it doesn’t surprise me that a group of ppl dealing with often untreated mental illnesses can’t see any hope/ don’t believe in self improvement, but it’s super harmful rhetoric to spread as a universal truth bc like. the majority of mental illnesses absolutely CAN be controlled and you CAN live a whole healthy life if you learn how to cope with the specific makeup of you own brain. it’s sad to see children thinking they’re beyond help or a lost cause like that’s truly practically never the case :( theyre not even done developing, nothing is final you know. but ig it really feels that way in the moment and i totally understand that so i won’t undermine it. it just sux to see !! and adults should def be more mindful of that :( dw about the rant i gave you one back lmfaooo x