#anyway. thinking of it this way makes it make a lot more sense to me why loop can't get magicked back to their old timeline

[tywrites]

heavy | mateo manta

pairing: mateo manta x gn!reader

word count: 1,360 (not proof-read)

warnings: reader is implied to have depression

a/n: okay so this is really bad since i haven't written in quite a long time but!! i love him and i Needed to write something abt him. i desperately need more mateo fics lmao. hope you enjoy <33

-----

You rolled over in your bed, the usually comforting plush of your mattress feeling awfully cold today. You sighed, closing your eyes and quietly hoping to just fall back to sleep. Things had been… difficult recently. Losing your job had definitely taken its toll on you – on your mental health in particular. Even when working from home, you still had to make the time to leave every so often and interact with the real world. But with everything that had happened recently with the dateviators, you hadn’t been able to leave at all.

Of course, you still had the objects. And they were great company! Most of them anyway. But it didn’t stop you from feeling a bit… alone sometimes. You sighed softly, finally accepting the fact that sleep wasn’t coming. You looked over to your end table at the dateviators. You had a lot to do. It was really overwhelming, honestly. You hadn’t even met all of the objects in the house yet, let alone made any progress towards realising any. You had made a lot of close friends through them though. And even one very special, different relationship…

Even just thinking of Mateo brought a slight smile to your face, cheering up your bleak mood ever so slightly. If you’d told yourself a few weeks ago that you’d soon be dating your blanket… well, considering your track record with love, it wouldn’t be all that surprising.

You bit your lip, reaching over to the dateviators. You popped them on, blinking at the warm, pink hue that enveloped your vision. You didn’t think you’d ever get used to this. In a second, Betty had materialised in front of you, perched on the edge of the bed – or uh, on the edge of herself. She gave you a soft smile.

“How’re you feeling today, gorgeous?”

You made a face. “Well for starters, I don’t feel very gorgeous,” you reply groggily, sitting up as you wiped a hand over your tired face.

She chuckled. “Sweetie, you’re always gorgeous to me. But what’s got you so down? You barely slept last night, or the night before… should I be offended?” She was clearly joking, but there was a definite tone of concern in her voice.

“Nah, it’s not you, it’s me,” you admit, looking down at the sheets. “I just… I don’t know. I feel so… heavy? I’m so tired, all the time. Which makes no sense, let’s be real, I’m doing nothing all day but..” You trail off, unsure of how to word it. “I just can’t sleep though. I can’t relax. I feel so tense all the time and I don’t see a way out of it. Easier to just lay in bed, I guess,”

She looks at you, worry in her eyes. “Is there anything I can do?” she asked. You try your best to force a smile.

“Not really. I think it’s just… something I have to deal with on my own,”

She frowned. “Honey, I don’t think-”

“I’ll see you tonight, Betty. Thanks for the talk,” you said quickly, standing up and heading to the bathroom, leaving Betty sitting on the bed, her face twisted in concern.

-------------

You’d spent most of the day dodging the other objects. Mateo especially. You just couldn’t bring yourself to talk to anyone right now. You left the dateviators on the table next to you, doom scrolling on your phone until the socially acceptable time to hit the hay. You were planning to go straight to bed, not call on anyone with the dateviators. The idea of bothering any of them, of forcing them to sit and listen to your silly problems was excruciating. But as you settled down into bed, trying in vain to close your eyes and let sleep come for you, there was only one thing on your mind.

You knew how upset Mateo would be if he knew you were avoiding him, especially if he knew it was because you weren’t feeling the greatest. Helping others is what drove him, it was the one thing he took pride in the most. He’d never let you wallow in your own self pity. You glanced at the glasses on your bedside table and sighed in defeat. You slid them on slowly.

You hadn’t even had them on for a few seconds before Mateo was materialising. You didn’t expect him to be right here, waiting for you. He was usually in the living room, caring for the inanimals. That man never took a break. When you saw the worried expression on his sweet face, you wanted to break down there and then.

“Ah mi vida, finally!” He said, sitting down onto the edge of the bed. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,”

You flushed in embarrassment. So he’d been watching your pathetic display of self-loathing, huh? “Sorry, Mateo… I’ve just been, um, tired,” you said, avoiding his eyes. If there was anything in this world that could make you immediately spill all your darkest secrets, it was Mateo’s big, brown eyes.

“I’ve noticed… my love, I’m worried about you. Betty came to me earlier and told me you haven’t been sleeping. Is that true?” He asked tactfully.

“Betty said that?” Betrayal, you thought.

“She was worried. Honestly, a lot of us have been worried. You haven’t been acting like yourself for a while now. If there’s anything I can do, anything at all, you know you just have to ask, right? I would do anything for you,” he said, a small blush rising to his cheeks. “I mean, I’d hope you’d know that…”

You finally look at him, truly seeing the concern on his features. His bedhead was especially messy today, as though he’d been running his hand through it every five seconds. His usual easy smile was replaced with a small frown and you realised something. In that moment, you would do anything to see that smile again. As you were preoccupied with gazing into his eyes, Mateo took this opportunity to place his hand over yours. His touch was feather soft as his thumb gently traced the back of your hand. You could almost feel your anxiety melting away.

You finally spoke.

“Mateo?”

“Yes, amor?”

“Could… could we cuddle?”

You ignore the burning in your cheeks and make your request, looking down at his hand still on yours. You focused on his touch. His touch seemed to make many things a whole lot easier.

At your words, a huge grin took over Mateo’s face. “You never even have to ask,” he said, bringing your hand up to his lips and placing a soft kiss onto the back of it.

You manoeuvred yourself so there would be room for Mateo beside you, turning so your back was towards him. He wasted no time in enveloping you in his arms, pulling you into the comforting warmth of his chest. His face snuggled into the crook of your neck and he took a deep breath in.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed this. The inanimals have missed you too…”

An arrow of guilt hit you right in the heart.

“I’m really sorry, ‘Teo… I-”

“You have no reason to be sorry, amor. Look, I can tell you’re struggling right now. And there’s nothing wrong with that at all, you have nothing to be ashamed about. But you have people around you that can help share your load, okay? You taught me that when we first met. When you bottle it all inside, it’s just too heavy for one person to handle. I want to help you. Please let me,”

You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes. You sniffled, wiping them away as quick as you could but they just kept coming. Mateo brought up the sleeve of his plush duvet jacket, wiping away the tears as they trickled down your face. You both said nothing. You laid there, wrapped up in Mateo’s arms, feeling more safe and secure than you had in a very long time. If Mateo was there to help you hold it, maybe things could be a lot lighter from now on.

[thewertsearch]

GG: Do you remember around when we first started talking? […] GG: And you claimed you were the one making my pumpkins disappear? [...] GG: You later proceeded to try to prove to me that what you were saying was true. GG: But none of your attempts thereafter would ever bear any fruit, pardon the pun. […] GG: And I think this unfortunately began a pattern of mistrust.

The signal was manually blocked by CrockerCorp, no doubt - and that was all it took to send Jane down a path to mistrust, suspicion and isolation.

It's easy, when you have her in the palm of your hand.

TG: i cant just always appearify stuff from you any time i want TG: i can only take stuff im "allowed" 2 which is pmuch random TG: like stuff that by takin id be messing up the time line cause that stuff is supposed to be there and serve some funciton it hasnt served yet […] TG: but pumpins 4 some reason are a lil easier to take i dunno why TG: like they are specifically and arbitrorily unhinged from spacetime

There's simply no force in this reality greater than the memetic effect of a long-running Hussie Joke.

TG: i so gonked your gaurds jane GG: … GG: Did you gank them when my gourd was down?

Fuck, Jane, that was a bona-fide dad joke!

This girl's filling a lot of roles that this cast has been sorely missing up until now. Out of all the Alpha Kids, she's the most unlike her B1 counterpart - which makes her so interesting to read. She might not be an Heir of Breath, but she is a breath of fresh air.

TG: im psyched about u wanting to believe me and all TG: but part of me still feels like i should prove it TG: like i tried to once TG: it was just frustratin i mean im a sciestist i should be able 2 prove my shit TG: like TG: subject my claims to the fuckin madrigogs GG: Um… GG: Madrigogs? TG: *mad rigors

Roxy, for her part, seems to be as much of a scientist as Mom was implied to be. Mad science ladies are possibly my favourite archetype ever; thus, Roxy's speedrun to S-Tier continues.

Anyway, it looks like Roxy's about to try and prove... something. It's hard to say what would completely sway Jane, though - after all, the girl's already seen a First Guardian and a robot bunny. If they couldn't convince her that something funny was going on, what will?

TG: i mean trust between friends is sweet and everything but i dont know if i wanta be the repipient of like a butt load of pity believins

Bit of a sore point, I gather. She's already sick of this shit with Jake.

GG: It's not about pity! GG: It's more like a gesture I'm trying to make. GG: Or maybe that's not quite right. GG: It has more to do with setting things right for myself than making it up to you. GG: Does that make sense? TG: ………….

I agree with Roxy's silence, here, because something about Jane's attitude is rubbing me me the wrong way. Like, I can't put my finger on why, exactly, but something about this self-centered attitude to remorse is a little...

...ominous.

[mona-risms]

whats goodie gang its the mira headcanons anon. i gotta say THANK YOU FOR THE FOODDD. also im back for more bc i fear your writing absolutely blew me away.

anyways may i request nsfw headcanons for mira w/ an afab reader? and kinda random but perchance could you throw a strap in there somewhere? okay bye (lifts up arms floats away into the sky)

◆ MAIN COURSE: sub!Mira x dom!afab!Reader

◆ TYPE: NSFW, romantic

◆ ALLERGEN WARNINGS: None I think??

◆ NOTES: First off I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT and second off I love her too bro I gotchu 🫡

OH MY GOD. I LOVE YOU. I love anyone who reqs afab reader actually BUT STILL.

Okay. OKAY. First off other people may say that this woman would prefer the dominant role BUT. This is a sub character blog. And I swear I have justification for Mira okay I swear I do

It's the fact that before she got into HUNTR/X, she's never really fit anywhere. Not with people in society, not with friends, certainly as hell not with her family. Before them, she thought that she'd never have a place where she could just.. belong, and honestly something like that can get ANYONE to feel like they're on some sort of constant survival mode as she refuses to let anyone see any sort of vulnerability that they may use against her

But then there was HUNTR/X, the people she considers the family she doesn't even wanna lose, no matter what. And then there was you. You, who gave her the time, the space, the understanding, instead of dismissing her for her unsavoury bluntness or thinking that she was nothing but a very prickly problem

I think your first time together wouldn't be until like. A bit later in the relationship, I think give or take around 6 months. Being in a relationship w her in the first place already means she trusts you more than most, but getting intimate with each other? First of all, an idol's schedule is BUSYYYYY idk if there'd be any time for that kinda thing, especially not when you're considered the Top 1 K-Pop unit. Second of all?

"We don't have to do anything, if you don't want to."

The words barely register in Mira's brain, the sound and sensation of her own heartbeat overrideing any other senses she had. When it does, however, her head snaps to look at you dead in the eyes, having to look up slightly due to your position—she was sat on the bed, with you having slipped into her lap in the midst of a particularly heated make-out session.

"Huh?"

"Your face," you lifted your hand up to tuck a few strands of pink hair behind her studded ear, "you look scared. We can stop."

She felt her heart squeeze, and a tingling heat in her core. It wasn't because of the way you dragged your hand from her ear.. to ghost her jaw.. before settling on her chin as your thumb lightly traced her bottom lip, though it did help a lot. Rather, it was moreso due to the way you had looked at her—years of living like you were nothing but a problematic inconvenience because your presence was too loud, and yet there was just this person who was willing to wait and listen anyway instead of walking away.

You looked at her like she hung the moon, what the hell was she supposed to do about that?

"No, it's--" The idol cleared her throat before trying again, her voice smaller than both of you had ever expected, "I'm not scared, just.. you're not.. going to think I'm too much to handle after this, right? I've never really done anything with anyone."

"Never let anyone get close enough?"

"Fuck you," there was no anger in her words. "..Yeah."

You just let out a hum, as if the two of you were discussing the weather rather than sex. And then you shook your head as your hand then went from her chin.. down to her the middle of her chest, "I'm not going to think you're 'too much', but we both know you'd rather see it than hear it. So." And you push lightly, "Lie down. Let me demonstrate."

A traitorous blush coated Mira's cheeks, the colour visible within the moon's glow. The light push couldn't ever be enough to knock her down, but she let herself fall back anyway, her hair sprawling behind her like a halo.

She finds herself enclosed within your arms a mere few seconds later when you crawl over to hover above the cool beauty, your lover. And in that very moment, when you duck down to trace kisses down her body while clothes are slowly discarded from both of your bodies, it feels as if the two of you are the only people in the world.

"Instead of 'too much'," you continued when you finally reached the apex of her thighs, wet and glistening, "I'll make sure you feel like you're mine instead.

Mira feels as if she really belonged.

Anyway proceeding to the actual NSFW hcs :3

Start off with Mira's part on this post bc I feel the need to address it again thank you

I think she'd absolutely ADORE soft sex actually. Listen throw away kinks for a second, right. She's gone without care for so long just bc her being a 'problem chold' and being outspoken would def equal to not needing any proper emotional care bc why would she need that? Clearly she can handle it all on her own, right? WRONG she actually needs to be taken care of. Finger her while holding her close so that she can cling to you, even after she cums all over your hand

Apart from that though honestly I feel like she'd be into bondage and acting like a brat. There's something about pretending to struggle and resist—emphasis on the 'pretending' bc be so fr all three girls could snap anyone like a Kit Kat bar thanks to their training—that has her thighs squeezing together. It's like a form of reclaiming I guess? Since everyone else thought she was too much trouble, and yet now she's sprawled on the bed and even the punishment for being a bad girl's sweeter than sin for her

Turnoffs........I don't think she'd enjoy titles much, like 'mommy' and such. Genuinely not for any reason apart from she personally isn't into it, which honestly fair enough girl. Idk if she'd enjoy petplay either, or degredation in general—it has her getting her hackles raised so fucking fast. Light degredation woukd be fine, esp when it's later on in the relationship and she 's more than comfortable with you now. But not too much yk

Creamer and someone who's definitely REALLY into overstim. Anyway

Also? A size queen actually 😄

Whenever Mira jokes by going full deadpan, sometimes you can't tell whether she's being serious or not. And that's perfectly fine, because either way it was usually going to end up entertaining one way or another.

You didn't think it'd apply to a talk about dildos, though.

In the midst of aftercare after a particularly taxing session, the lazy topics between you had somehow migrated to the talk of toys; the type the two of you would like, making fun of toher specific toys, and then...

And then there was the sizes.

You brought up getting your girlfriend the biggest, the most monstrous, the most diabolical strap you'd ever find. And her answer?

"Do it."

You really, really weren't sure if she was joking or not.

..Until today, when in the middle of eating her out, she reached underneath her bed just to reveal a blank box that held.. well, the exact thing that Mira's cunt now tried to hold onto despite you pistoning your hips over and over.

It wasn't the biggest, or the most monstrous, but it was definitely diabolical. You had to open her up slowly with a lot of lube, stretching her out with one finger.. then two.. then three, making sure that she could at LEAST take the start. The rest? The two of you decided to work it out as you went. ..Though it didn't feel like there was much 'figuring out' being done, not as if you were complaining—Mira's nails clawed at the sheets as she let out a series of sultry moans and curses under her breath, all while she moved her hips as if she were on some very enthusiastic autopiloting.

Her speech was jagged at best and utterly incomprehensible at worst, but she clenched on your strap as if it were something real—it couldn't even do so properly, not when it was already stretched out as is.

And you could never forget the stunned face she made when you put it on.. and the way her body shook as she came for god knows how many times now as she buried her head in her pillows in an attempt to shut herself up.

JUST SAYING AFTERCARW IS SO SOSOSOSOSOSO IMPORTANT TO HER!!! She gets so endearingly quiet as the two of you just lay there for who knows how long. And she'll also ask if you wanna get anything to eat/get delivered. AND she'll ask you if you wanted anything before she passed out for a nice nap

It just turns into a cuddle sesh and honestly? What more could anyone ask for?

[three-semicolons]

Dick and Tim are amazing together.

Not doing another long post yet because that’s a lot of work, but I finished the third collection of Nightwing 1996 and I’m starting to realize just how close Dick and Tim are.

There’s an issue just called “The Boys”, and it’s where they go train surfing and Tim tells Dick that Stephanie is pregnant. They banter the whole issue. There are so many heartwarming interactions. I love it.

Besides the Robin-centric issue, Tim pops in and out all the time, and every interaction they have is so full of warmth on either end.

It makes me sad that brother interactions in fanon are essentially contained to Jason and Damian. I think the latter in particular makes sense; Damian is more recent, so his character is fresher and people are more recently reminded of Damian. Meanwhile, Tim is kind of non-existent in more recent comics and ESPECIALLY alternative media compared to his previous presence. So newer fans just aren’t familiar with their relationship.

(Admittedly I’m more “meh” on Jason post-resurrection but I totally get his character’s appeal. I’m just not a huge fan of his archetype.)

Still, Dick and Tim’s relationship is priceless. They’re my favorite inter-character interactions thus far. Dick is so patient and silly when showing Tim the ropes of being Robin, but he’s also kind of a little shit at times in the way any dorky older brother is. Tim is so open and self-conscious about his struggles, like with his family and his feelings about being Robin (both whether he’s good enough and whether he even wants to be a vigilante), and Dick is there every step of the way to assure him that he’s doing incredible. It’s such a healthy dynamic.

Anyways, more love to Dick and Tim. It almost makes me wish there was more content nowadays that’s pre-Damian and pre-Jason. Not that I dislike either character — I LOVE Damian in the Dick Grayson Batman and Robin run so much it’s not even funny — but I wish there was more of both I guess.

[nostalgebraist]

When you finish writing a big story and you became very close the characters, was there a time after where you were like "i kind of want to revisit these characters again, but i should probably just let the story be, they deserve to rest" Im not talking about wanting to write a sequel, is more about still coming up with fun ideas for them, maybe a little scene or something, but choosing not to do anything with it because it'd feel disrespectful to the ending you gave them?

This doesn't happen to me, no.

The reason is that, once I finish the story, my sense of "being close to the characters" suddenly vanishes. And, although there are rare moments where it (briefly) returns, it mostly stays gone.

I can't remember if I've ever talked about this in detail before, but – when I'm in the process of writing a story, especially near the end, the characters feel "real" to me in a very strong and kind of uncanny way.

I don't actually believe that they exist as independent entities from me (much less sentient ones), but it does almost feel like that's true, when I'm in the thick of the writing process.

I have no trouble intellectually distinguishing fiction from reality, even in the state I'm describing. But my emotional and intuitive relationship with my characters, when I'm in that state, is pretty similar to the one I have with real people I know in real life. And there are a bunch of... uh, mental phenomena?... associated with this that I'm slightly afraid to describe because I worry they'll sound like hallucinations or delusions if I don't add a lot of caveats.

For example, when I'm alone in a room writing (especially if I'm writing in the middle of the night), I sometimes feel like it's not just me in the room, that the character I'm writing about is "there with me," in much the same way I'd be aware of someone real person's presence if I knew they were in the room but didn't happen to be looking in their direction. Or: sometimes I feel like the characters' voices are "flowing through me," that I'm merely taking dictation from them – and will sometimes even think to myself: "man, I'm so grateful that the character is helping me write this part, because if I tried to do it all by myself there's no way I would get it right." And it takes a moment before I realize, wait, no, I am writing it by myself – at least in a literal and physical sense.

Basically if you read this post, and then sort of read between the lines of it under the assumption that I'm downplaying how weird the experience actually is because I'm worried an accurate account would make me sound kind of unhinged... then you will have roughly the right impression of what the writing experience is like for me.

Whatever is going on here, it feels like it's probably on some kind of spectrum that also contains stuff like tulpas, multiple systems, and maybe also the way that children can sometimes get really deeply wrapped up in their imaginary play. I don't know how common this stuff is among writers (maybe it is common but rarely talked about?). It's not something I've experienced anywhere else in life; I don't experience it with other people's fictional characters or stories, or with fantasies I have that aren't associated with a work in progress, and I don't remember ever experiencing it before I started writing fiction as an adult.

Anyway, as I said at the top, the moment I finish writing a story, this phenomenon simply turns off, suddenly and completely. The transition is very noticeable when it happens, and makes me feel something akin to grief or loneliness over the brief span between the moment it starts and the moment it is fully completed – like I've just lost a bunch of close friends at once.

With Almost Nowhere, I remember a very specific feeling – on the evening of the day when I finished writing – that the characters were "departing 'into' the finished book," reverting to a lesser existence as "mere words" rather than "real people," as though they had been plastic toys animated by Terra Ignota's Bridger, and were now turning back into toys again. It made me sad, for a little while, but once they'd fully "lost their reality" I no longer cared, because it was that same sense of reality that made me care, and now it was gone.

So, to finish answering your question: I don't feel an urge to return to my old characters, because it feels intuitively obvious that doing this is impossible. That anything else I wrote about them would be inauthentic, somehow, in a way that the original work wasn't. They were "there," before, but they're "gone," now. This difference is very stark, and very hard to ignore.

(As I noted above, they do sometimes "come back" to me – very rarely, and very briefly, but that is enough for a proof of concept. Perhaps, if I were to try, I could find some way to "bring them back" for longer intervals. But I doubt I will ever try that. I feel a bit afraid of the concept for several reasons – for one thing, the "inauthenticity" I just mentioned squicks me out and I'd prefer not to come too close to it, and I also have a baseline wariness of doing stuff that seems too much like messing around with my own mental health. There's also a "catch-22" involved here, where I don't feel motivated about the characters the way I used to, and that means I'm not even motivated to do things that would generate that motivation. The "target" of the effort won't appeal strongly to me until I've already gone to the trouble of obtaining it, which means the effort doesn't feel justified in the first place.)

[jacksmysterylabyrinth]

There's a few routes in this game that say a lot about how fickle and unstable Takumi can be, that really warps him on an existential level.

It's hard to grasp how sometimes, but I think it starts with this...

Essentially, he's a person whose 'programming went faulty'. Namely, the issue of 'Karua', and how she's at once both a propaganda piece projected into his brain, and also Nozomi's words filtering in.

I don't think he's able to fully separate those things with conviction, as much as he wants to. He doesn't get how projection works, that's already something difficult for a sheltered and clueless teenager to unpack but... this is a whole other level of 'challenge: impossible' mind-fuckery. If the group have ever had some disconnect between their sense of identity and their 'memory', Takumi's is soup.

But what especially gets me, is his 'younger teen self' dismisses 'Karua's' studies in the most incurious way- 'what's this, the outside world? Why bother with all of that? Why do you care? Conspiracy theorist', etc. which I imagine is what he was 'supposed' to do with anything 'weird' like any potential new information. Until the programming got funny at odd moments when Nozomi's interest would seep through, and then, you'd catch Takumi responding to 'Karua's' interest... with more interest for once.

(Now the brain doesn't know what to do. Oh sure, you want to take charge of your destiny, but actually it's better to just sleep and forget it all. Not like you ever cared about learning anything, right?)

I'd say Takumi's avoidance mechanisms later, are a response to Nozomi's existence as if she was a virus. Which... says a lot about the fascist state of the Artificial Satellite, and how Takumi was designed for the 'most ordinary kind of life' that wasn't meant to know it.

It's kind of unclear how the programming works- whether it takes the subject's base personality and uses it to run an 'AI scenario' based upon whatever Kamukura wanted to project into them, or if it doesn't bother matching personality at all and just shoves scenes into their head regardless if it's something they'd do. Either way, it feels that something went especially wrong with Takumi, even if his personality matched the 'memories' he was given, because for the first time one of the pod-programs was actually adapting to outside stimuli.

The symbolism about that moon is especially interesting. Because Eito - the 'moon' - learns the truth about the world and its wars, and remains a significant challenge for Takumi to grapple with- only for him to kill him and redo everything at the end of the first scenario, suggesting he had kind of failed that (basically undoing the work that Eito had done to stop the weapon without knowing that they're not on Earth, for one...). The moon also represents 'illusion'- what the SDU look up at from Futurum is actually the Artificial Satellite where they've spent their whole lives in a pod, Eito's major trauma deals with illusions that physically warp what humans are (the glitch also doesn't even fully distinguish between 'Human' and 'Futuran' in the first place which makes it even less of an objective judgement)...

...on that note, this here from the Casual route continues to haunt me, and it's been hard to put into words exactly why. Because it might very well have come from Eito's mouth if he were there, since he's trapped in some terrible stuff too. But Eito's not there- that's a dream state that Takumi is in, so those words came from Takumi.

It's like his subconscious has been screaming to get out of the cage for a long time, but he keeps wanting to go back in anyway.

[jackwolfes]

do you have buddie fic recs? i’ve been loving all of yours and hungry for more! id be especially interested in ones that don’t have emergency scenario disasters (don’t like blood but i love gay sex so uhhh this is for sure the ship for me) or them talking through their feelings and also any crazy ass sex like the most insane smut. what are you reading in the buddie world these days? thank u love u hope your day is lovely!

man I've kind of been reading nothing but buddie fics for the past two months so this is an apt request!!! and also thank you I'm really glad you liked the ones I've written 😊 anyway, here's a whole bunch:

feeling my way back to you by markofalover (T, 4.3k)

Not smut at all but this is a very cute teacher!buck / firefighter!Eddie fic

rough riders by symphonysoldier97 (E, 11.2k)

This IS smut. early stage relationship with lots of feelings and also good sex, framed around eddie's copious issues and also bdsm

come take a dive by organyx (E, 12.4k)

Hear me out #1: Eddie's dick gets magic'd away. in my opinion, and as a genderqueer reader, this fic does some very interesting things with dysphoria and eddie's whole repressed shtick (some of these recs have a theme, don't @ me)

curl up in my heart and let me keep you by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (T, 10.5k)

Magic!Buck who turns himself into a cat every so often. from the lawsuit era to like, mid season 5. For most of the fic this is them expressly refusing to talk about their feelings but it works.

i'll eat you instead of chocolate (you're sweeter anyhow) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (E, 28.7k)

Hear me out #2: this is the ideal fic for me in the sense that it blends humour and really charming slice of life comedy that makes me enjoy the show with some solid AU themes, a lot of stupid pining and also very hot sex. But like when the tags say "werewolf sex" they MEAN werewolf sex. so it might not be to everyone's taste.

frequent flyer by whileyouresleeping (M, 13.4k)

I kinda do love an AU where buck isn't a firefighter but I maintain that if he's not a firefighter he kinda has to be having like, a slightly insane bad time. And that's this! it's predominantly not angsty, but it does have some very good hurt/comfort (but not gorey). Also, E rated sequel if you are after smut

bad idea right? by brewrosemilk (E, 6.7k)

canon divergent wherein buddie are still colleagues/BFFs but also making poor choices on grindr. i don't usually go for chat style fics because they can be a bit hit or miss IMO, but I think this one is done really well

[nagichi-boop]

I was thinking about Jevil and how he had a lot of lore in chapter 1 and then became seemingly irrelevant after defeating him. And as I was thinking, I started to realise that there may be some parallels between him and Kris’s SOUL. I am terrible at theory crafting, so I’ll use this post to share everything I noticed so that someone smarter than me might be able to make something of it.

(This post will contain spoilers for chapters 1-4.)

Cage/Imprisonment

While there are questions and theories regarding the meaning of parts of prophecy, it’s implied (unless something wild happens later) that Kris and their SOUL represent the part of the prophecy that says: “THE CAGE, WITH HUMAN SOUL AND PARTS.” The cage seems to refer to Kris, while the SOUL is…well, the SOUL.

Now to compare it to Jevil. I specifically want to focus on this part of his dialogue: “THEY LOST THE CHASE, AND LOCKED UP THEIR ENTIRE RACE. BUILDING A PRISON AROUND THE WHOLE WORLD. NOW I’M THE ONLY FREE ONE.” Susie and Ralsei remark how Jevil is the one who is locked up, but he doesn’t see it that way.

Kris is our cage. We are only ‘free’ when we are in them. Jevil says he’s free when he is seemingly locked away. I don’t know what the significance of this is (if there is any), but it’s just something I noticed.

Personality Changes

When you talk to Seam, he says the following about Jevil: “One day, he met a strange someone… and since then, he began to change. He started saying bizarre things that didn’t completely make since — but didn’t completely not make sense, either. Soon, he began to see the world as a game, and everyone as its participants.”

Something similar can be said of Kris’s relationship to their SOUL. For the most part, Kris recognises the need to have their SOUL in them and only sometimes protests against our actions as the player (eg seeming confused if we say we’ll take Berdly to the festival, biting their hand if we say we won’t ever play the piano in a dialogue to Susie, etc). Then of course we get the scenes where Kris removes their heart, either to stop us interfering with their actions or to stop us hearing certain information, depending on the context. The relationship between Kris and their SOUL is probably its own post, but I just wanted to establish that while Kris allows the SOUL to influence a lot of their actions, it’s clear that some of our choices conflict with their own morals.

Anyways, for my actual comparison now. There’s a scene in chapter 4 during the weird/Snowgrave route where Noelle asks to speak to Kris privately in her room. She talks about how she couldn’t sleep last night and that when she went out to catch her breath, she felt a hand on her wrist. She then says, “And then I heard your voice. Kris’s voice. You said, sorry for taking your watch, Noelle. You said, it was all a stupid prank.” She says a few more things, but then she says, “Kris, your voice, your deadpan, mumbly voice… even if you sounded kind of weak and shaky… I don’t know why, but it felt so long since I heard it. I even started sniffling! Haha! Kris, Kris you’re back…!”

It’s implied, then, that the SOUL’s morals and motivations are different to Kris’s. Sometimes they align, but clearly in the weird route, Kris doesn’t want to hurt Noelle. They specifically try to smooth things over with her while they aren’t under our influence. The rest of the scene only plays out as it does because we manage to escape and get back to them so we can dictate their actions. Anyways, the point is that even Noelle acknowledges that Kris has had a personality shift. I don’t know specifically what caused it (I did see a theory that the SOUL we control isn’t actually Kris’s but idk), but something caused Kris’s personality to shift. And when we aren’t in control of them, the ‘normal’ Kris returns.

We don’t yet know who the ‘someone’ is that Seam says made Jevil change, but perhaps that someone is actually the same as whoever caused Kris/their SOUL to change? Perhaps the Roaring Knight, but it’s hard to say if anyone else is involved yet. It seems at least that Jevil is aware of its existence because he mentions “THE HAND OF THE KNIGHT.”

Miscellaneous Points From Jevil’s Dialogue

These points are weaker than the other stuff I’ve mentioned, but I’ll include them anyways.

“THIS BODY CANNOT BE KILLED” — The SOUL persists, no matter how many times we lose.

“I CAN DO ANYTHING” — Similar to how we can do almost anything we want to when controlling Kris, even when it conflicts with their wishes (again, with one or two exceptions).

“CHAOS, CHAOS, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!” — Kris’s struggle to contain the SOUL, especially when we aren’t in their body.

———

Anyways, please feel free to add your own thoughts or theories to this! As I said, I’m not really good at theory-crafting, but I figured I’d put my thoughts down somewhere. Maybe none of this means anything, but it was fun to spot some parallels regardless!

[beannoss]

SxF read along volume 2! (part 4)

Specifically on the moral and ethical worldbuilding in SxF.

I wanted to bundle these flashbacks of Anya's about Yor's lesson to her with fighting:

Both Yor and Twilight operate knowing the impacts and boundaries of the power they wield, one day I’ll write all my thoughts about this being fundamental to the wholesomeness of SxF, but it’s so nice to see it plainly articulated so early on too

👀👀👀 I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Yor and smiling and wondering how often maybe her smiles aren’t… entirely true… and anyway I’m 👀👀👀

… not me feeling like a dummy for trying to puzzle out Yor’s guiding principles from her actions throughout SxF when she just fuckin’ states them from the beginning 😂🫣

In all seriousness, Yor does practice these throughout as regards her contract killing... Endo does this very carefully threaded weave of SxF's internal ethics, how he keeps Yor and Twilight on the 'good' side of grey, where the lines in the sand are regarding antagonists, villains and cruelty. A fair bit of that threading is done with Yor and Twilight specifically, in how they do the morally dubious (at best) things they both do. It's also a careful balance, philosophically, because the only reason there is any sort of moral argument for Garden and WISE is because Ostania is implicitly facing a moral crisis, which is most especially demonstrated through the SSS...:

(I should have highlighted 'surveilling the public' above too; oversight!) This is also such a chilling panel:

Back more directly to the topic at hand, there is a marked difference between the work Yor and Twilight are shown doing, and this introduction of Yuri:

I think potentially one of the trickiest things with navigating SxF is that the internal ethics need be judged by the internal matrices we're shown. Twilight isn't really akin to a real world spy: he can change his face, body shape and voice within seconds, and it's clear that he and WISE are invested in some level of protection of innocent people who get caught up in their missions (or at least mitigation of harms, if Twilight's comment that WISE would look after Yor and Anya post-Strix is indicative). Yor isn't really akin to a real world contract killer: never mind running faster than cars, she can just stand in the middle of the road on one leg and kick a car hard enough it veers into a streetlamp, and otherwise her targets, at least, are consistently shown to be individuals or groups that would, by rights, be brought to criminal trial and that they are not indicates a clear failing in Ostania's criminal justice system. Which makes sense, when we see the explanation of the SSS above.

WISE and Garden are only an ethical option when the SSS is the main arbiter of justice: the SSS's fundamental model is flawed, because it is demanding its citizens see one another as inherently suspect, to surveil one another and ultimately to turn on one another. If the metrics for traitor-of-the-state are things like being a single woman and having extramarital affairs, then what makes for the truly traitorous is diluted to such an extent as to essentially be meaningless. The SSS aren't looking to implement justice; their goal is clearly control under the spurious declaration of order. Control and order are not justice; they are reiterations of power and oppression masquerading as justice and safety, leaving instead a void. And into that void of justice and safety step groups like Garden and WISE, and, jumping ahead for a moment, even the way Olka Gretcher's crime family was described demonstrates them stepping in where the government failed (and the Gretcher successor reneging on that role).

I wish I'd snapped some of the statements from/about WISE in the first volume, but I also tend to think SxF's primary exploration of the intersection of morality and justice is going to be in the contrast between the choices made by the Briar siblings and the potential inevitable clash between Garden and the SSS. And the intersection of morality and safety may well play out between Twilight and Donovan Desmond, and the choices they each make. To that, choice overlays everything, and the contrast of the exercise of power.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

I've been royal watching for years. I was excited for a new royal wedding but soft alarm bells were already ringing for me in the engagement interview. Then came the constant tsunami of pr & gossip, Meghan and Harry's weird behavior on engagements, her eye-wateringly expensive wardrobe, the odd fit. The rumor was she was mean, no family at her wedding except mom, the disagreement that she could taste egg in a dish led to Queen Elizabeth intervening. Anyway I remember shortly after the wedding being shocked that neither Philip nor the Queen was attending Louis' christening and the only reason they gave is that it was a "mutually agreed" decision between the queen, William and Catherine. BP said the decision was not based on health reasons, but rather to allow the Queen to focus on other engagements, as she had a busy schedule that week. (Nothing newsworthy though, no travel anywhere). I remember when I heard that I said the queen is already crafting a precedent for not attending Baby Sussex's christening. Everyone around me thought I was mad, there was no way the Queen would miss her first mixed race great-grandchild's christening, it would look racist. But miss Archie's christening, she and Phillip did. They said they wanted to get away for a couple of days so they left Windsor Castle where the christening had been planned to be held and went up to Sandringham for 3 days which they never really did that time of year. This is the conspiracy that I can't shake, why would she miss Louis' christening? Was it to give her cover for missing Archie's? Did she premeditatively want to miss both those kids christenings, or just Archie's? Those two are the only two among her great-grandchildren's christenings she has missed. She attended Lena Tindall's christening who was born barely a month after Louis; and later she was there for Lucas Tindall and August Brooksbank's christening.

Is it possible they asked the then Cambridges if they could bow out of Louis' christening so HMTQ wouldn't get too much blowback for not attending the christening of H&M's child? Why was the queen adamant about not being there? Was she afraid Meghan would be unpleasant? Was she purposely avoiding the Sussexes? I recall in Spare when Harry complained how his father was telling him Meghan couldn't go to Balmoral after the queen's death. Harry was only placated when Charles told him Kate would not be there either. The Cambridges fell on their sword to pacify the Sussexes at the Commonwealth Day Svc by taking their seats and not processioning in with the queen, Charles & Camilla like was written on the order of service. Please tell me I'm barmy imagining she premeditatively chose not to go to Louis' christening to pave the way for her not to attending Archie's christening. Am I even making any sense? I've taken an Ambien so I will be calling it a night.

Fear not! You are barmy. It's the Ambien speaking, I think.

For two reasons.

First, Louis was born long before Archie was incubating in his mother's belly and while Meghan was still somewhat on good behavior with the firm and family. As bad and intolerable Meghan became, I don't think it would have stopped The Queen and/or Philip for attending a Sussex child's christening. Especially since, remember, The Queen and Philip did a photo op with newborn Archie, Meghan, Harry, and Doria a few days after he was born. That's more than future king George got. So I have to believe, and especially given The Queen's faith, that missing Louis's christening had nothing to do with Meghan attending or a prospective future Sussex child.

Second, by all accounts, Archie's christening was scheduled at the last minute and without consulting anyone's schedules. We have two leaks that confirm it. The first leak is that the Archbishop of Canterbury wasn't even in London that week - he was all the way up in York for the Church of England General Synod. That meant there was a lot of scrambling to not just clear up Welby's schedule so he could do the christening, but a lot of scrambling to get him to and from York and Windsor at the appropriate times.

(Do note that it's not required for the Archbishop of Canterbury to do the christening.)

The second leak is that The Queen was already committed to royal duties and couldn't change her schedule. And actually, your point that "they...went up to Sandringham for 3 days which they never really did that time of year" is incorrect. It's been revealed that after Philip retired and moved full-time to Wood Farm on the Sandringham estate, The Queen actually spent a bit of time at Sandringham to visit him and time that was outside of her annual January/February stay. So it's fully and truly plausible that The Queen was actually regularly staying at Sandringham.

(That said, I do suspect her "royal duties" was cover for horses and something to do with her racing operations.)

And then a partial third, remember that Zara and Eugenie held a joint service that saw Lucas and August being christened together. So even if The Queen and Philip had a "policy" of just two christenings per family, it was still within The Queen's policy to attend the christening of Zara's third child because it was also Eugenie's first child's christening - and remember that it was August who wore the royal christening gown for that service, not Lucas. (And yes, this is very much round-hole/square-peg.)

But this is very much one of those YMMV analyses. Some people think William and Kate fell on their sword again, allowing Louis to be snubbed. Others think that the Sussexes didn't care about The Queen being at Archie's christening.

FWIW, I don't think the then-Cambridges felt like they were being snubbed or having to fall on their sword. We know that The Queen and Philip had a good relationship with Louis just from the comments we know Louis made after Philip died and from the interactions between The Queen and Louis on Trooping balconies.

[litsenn]

This one made me think a lot.

 In EA, you had this dialogue after the first time you dream of the guardian – and in EA, the dream was much more erotic; even if you tried to reject the their advances, they insisted quite a lot which made the dream very awkward and creepy.

I have to says that the fact that the dream visitor took the appearance of Cazador to seduce Astarion makes me deeply uncomfortable.

It’s heart-breaking, and so is his reaction. Obviously, his anger is completely legit if you "joke" about him and Cazador in the bedroom, but the fact that he recoils and snaps at you even if you try to comfort him is really sad. "You try to connect, to let him know he's not alone" and he sees it as "pity".

Honestly, it makes a lot of sense.

I can’t really imagine act 1 Astarion accepting to be comforted like that, and his anger and bitterness fall close to home. Showing any kind of vulnerability feels dangerous, because it’s hard to trust, because he doesn’t want to be seen as “weak” and broken and he believes no one can understand his torment. So any act of kindness is depreciated as the lowest form of pity - perhaps the same kind of pity he feels for his siblings (?).

As for his line when you're mean to him: "You know what separates us from animals? Choice. I choose to travel with you. A dog would do it on instinct. To fulfil a need." It's such a powerful statement! He does have the choice now, and he chose to trust you. He did it out of necessity, but it was still his decision. The comparison with the dog is relevant: Contrary to a dog who follows blindly a master, he can make his own choices (now). He no longer is a mindless animal/puppet.

And as soon as you trample on this trust, he legitimately bites back. And in that situation, he'd let the animal(/monster) in him resurface and kill whoever mistreats him.

It's a powerful, and indeed violent way to set his boundaries, it's Astarion empowering himself and saying "never again or else I'll become the monster Cazador made of me."

Revenge against whoever disrespects him becomes a need.

The fact that he mentions the parallel between choice and instinct is so interesting. Especially if you think about the confession scene in Act 2, when he says seducing you was instinctive. And yet, it was still his choice then (cf. my long post about it here). I find it fascinating that he finds himself reflecting on that specific point: Do I do it because I want it, or because it's instinctive? And what's instinctive (or not) in a "need"?

Anyway, even if the scene itself is no longer relevant now that the dream visitor is different, it's still a heart-breaking and fascinating dialogue for what it says about Astarion's mindset at this point.

[dirty-bear-rick-sanchez]

Rick’s parents

Since we got some hints of Rick’s parental issues this episode, I thought it would be interesting to talk about headcanons!

(credit to Summathyne for editing the photo we see in child Rick’s bedroom in Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort)

We have (slightly) more information about Rick’s dad, so I’ll start with him. We know that Rick craves his approval due to his request for Unity to have ‘the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father’ and their subsequent chanting of ‘go, son, go!’. Additionally, based on their appearance, he seems to have worn glasses and formal clothing (tie and shirt). In the photo, he seems more physically distant, not touching Rick or Rick’s mother. My headcanon is that he was clever and valued intelligence, but that he disapproved of Rick’s more abstract ‘sci-fi’ ideas since he didn’t think it was realistic, hence Rick’s desire for approval from him. I see him working a well-paid but ‘boring’ job that used his smarts, something like an accountant. I think he would’ve been emotionally unavailable at best and cruel at worst, based on both Rick’s personality and desire for his approval.

Rick’s mom seems more affectionate here, although this could be just for show or purely in physical terms. She’s only touching Rick, so maybe her relationship with Rick’s dad wasn’t good? This would make sense for Rick’s attitudes towards marriage/relationships that persist even into S7. We’ve never heard anything about her from Rick, so it’s a lot harder to draw conclusions. However, his lack of mentioning her makes me think that she was either ‘better’ than his dad (so he doesn’t seek her approval in the same way, similar to Beth), or much worse (so he doesn’t want to think about her). I do think it’s interesting that she looks a bit like Diane. If she was nicer to Rick than his dad was, it could make sense as to why he found comfort in Diane’s presence. Even though both of Rick’s parents are obviously dressed up for the photo, she looks especially so, making me think she might be kind of ‘high society’ or concerned with appearances. Then again, Rick is just wearing a t-shirt, so maybe not. While Rick has never mentioned his own mother, he does call out the White House guy for being a bad son for not knowing his mother’s address in The Rickchurian Mortydate, which could show that Rick valued her.

Finally, I want to address the ‘Uncle Slo’ reveal in Unmortricken. Rick calling him uncle means that he was likely related to one of Rick’s parents (by blood or by marriage), a close family friend, or otherwise an adult who had some significance in Rick’s life when he was a kid. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like it’s common in a lot of Latin American cultures to refer to people older than you as aunt/uncle, so there would be a lot of ways Rick could’ve known him. However, Prime says ‘still family though’, which makes me think that he was related to Rick or close enough with the family to be considered part of it. Slo Mobius’ wife is the same ‘species’ as him, so perhaps he was adopted or a close family friend. My headcanon is that he’s Rick’s dad’s brother and Rick’s dad hates his time powers.

Anyway, what are your thoughts/headcanons?

[jakesimfromstatefarm]

oh! and also, which members in enhypen is which glee character? curious on your take😅

LOLLLL anon how did u know im such a gleek...this is so funny pls. idk if any of these make sense but i just did whatever character first popped up in my head for each member...

jungwon is soooo blaine anderson coded. i feel like blaine is one of the very few normal ppl on that show that isn't like....batshit crazy LOLL and just super lovable and shows great leadership and is SUPER TALENTED of course but also funny silly & goofy in his own way. he's always the moderator and calming other people down and is always there for others during the show–all of which our jungwonie definitely is for the rest of the group

heeseung is finn hudson. tall. athletic. a little (a lot) confused some (most) of the time. face of the group in a way. you know how there's that inside joke that heeseung went on i-land to find his missing members? it's kinda like how finn lowkey brought together the band of what the new directions were. if it wasn't for him, many of the other members wouldn't have joined. loser in a hot body that doesn't know what to do with it half of the time!

jay is rachel berry. HAHAHAH this is probably the funniest. they're both just super ambitious and like how enhypen is always entertained by jay, the new directions are always entertained by rachel (whether that be from her insane dramatic flairs or from her singing). plus they both can hit insanely high high notes . need i say more .

JAKE IS SO SAM EVANS I CAN"T STRESS ANYTHING MORE!!! like are you kidding me??? they're both the most golden retriever ppl to ever walk this earth. they're just so precious and pure and innocent and also will say dumb things every now and then but it charms everyone anyways. they both definitely throw up awkward thumbs-ups or peace signs in photos. just super sweet to everyone they come across, but yet manage to be super hot at the same time LOL

sunghoon is quinn fabray. now hear me out. you know how everyone thinks sunghoon looks 'cold' at first glance? but deep down he's literally just an extroverted introvert and is literally so super uber soft and chaotic??? that's quinn fabray. she comes out as cold and 'perfect' and just 'pretty' but DEEP DOWN . she has a good heart and is super soft and looks out/cares for others more than she makes it out to be. but they both still manage to look perfect & pretty while doing so of course hehe. also they're both just super insane like sunghoon being a national ice skater???? quinn going to yale???? yeah. insane.

sunoo is so tina cohen-chang. HERE ME OUT. fashion icons. can pull off the emo look (tina season 1) and the preppy look too (tina season 5). always positive, cheers others up, good friends with everyone but also has the funniest facial reactions and side eyes when they judge others LOLLLL

ni-ki is santana lopez. LOLLL OK THIS ONE MIGHT BE A STRETCH BUT you know how riki tries so hard to be nonchalant and cool kid vibes but we all deep down hes a huge softie and crackhead??? SO IS SANTANA !! santana keeps up the cool girl facade (and well, is straight up mean sometimes but we ignore that) and is a baddie but deep down has a good heart and cares deeply for everyone and is very sentimental <3

[daughterofheartshaven]

Why I don't like Missy's redemption arc

@oswinoswald15 asked about this.

I wanna state up front that I have basically no criticisms of the way that arc was executed. My problem is 100% with the concept. I don't think the concept of giving the Master a redemption arc is a good idea, and I am also bothered that they did this on the first female Master. These are pretty separate complaints, so I'm gonna handle them separately.

Why I don't like the idea in the first place

Because the Master is a legacy character on the show. Like I like when the Master gets character development or evolves over time, but anything that makes the character unusable as an antagonist - well, it makes the character unable to be used in future. And like, yes, the Master returned to his antagonistic role, but there's such a disconnect between their portrayal in World Enough and Time / The Doctor Falls and Spyfall. It works, but there is such a disconnect between the two stories. But also, I don't know what Chris Chibnall could have done better aside from not using the Master. And I don't want the character to go away forever!

Why it being the first female Master.

There is... a trend in media to have the villains be men. And, if a villain is a woman, they tend to be a lot more sympathetically written. I'm not saying purely evil women never exist in media, but I can name a lot more purely evil men. This is a trend I find annoying. It also doesn't help that Missy feels (to me! I know other people disagree with me on this and that's totally valid and reasonable) already disconnected from the Master's usual characterization, when I wanted her to just be The Master who happens to be a girl. Big Finish does a good job of making that happen tho I'll give them that. But anyway saying that the girl Master specifically who goes through the redemption arc feels like it falls into that trend of "women can't be evil" and that bugs me.

Does that all make sense?

[booksandberries]

So idk if you've ever read the light novels but the way you describe the influence of toxic masculinity on Sasaki and Hirano's relationship is LITERALLY CANON. They won't even acknowledge that they're 'friends', even in their own pov narration. They're just classmates, Nevermind that they spend considerable time together and feel really comfortable around each other. imo this is part of Sasaki's teen angst and Hirano is just the kind of guy to follow his lead. Sasaki is super guarded, and we know he has this Thing in his backstory about his capacity to hurt people, so the isolation makes sense in that regard. Also like, look at his friendship with Ogasawara? They're a bit mean to one another lol. Sasaki is so fascinating to me. I need to get in his head and figure out why he's so hard on himself.

As it turns out my current wip is just an excuse to have high school Kaguira and Miyano meet and I'm vibrating at how fun they are to write

I NEED TO READ THE NOVELLLLLSS. I've read the hirakagi one, but I was trying to be good and not buy the others right away (budgeting, should be focusing on these STUPID ESSAYS, etc. life is Crazy rn and I am always running away to fandom)

I've seen a few posts talking about Hirano and Sasaki's relationship re: all the extra detail we get in the novels, and it makes me insane. They're so. Like there's already the baseline, "gross who said we're friends" toxic masculinity thing, but like they're not even really doing that, they're just freaks about each other. Obsessed. Somebody said Sasaki is so weird about Hirano trying to Not be anything with him that it just makes them more of a Thing, makes him an even bigger influence in his life.

Like, Ogasawara is a guy Sasaki can be relatively comfortable with. 'Cause there IS comfort in the friends you can be kind of mean to, even if you never like talk about your feelings with them. Ogasawara doesn't Get Sasaki in like a really deep way, I think, because Ogasawara isn't the kind of guy to like psychologically analyze his relationships or other people. But he DOES Get Sasaki. He knows Sasaki is tired, knows he likes music (they both do! I 100% headcanon that Sasaki critiques Ogasawara's guitar playing, which is helpful feedback because Ogasawara doesn't care that Sasaki speaks kind of rough and rude). Also Sasaki knew about Yokota and Ogasawara's feelings for each other, just like Ogasawara immediately recognize Sasaki and Miyano's feelings for each other! He's not dumb, even if he is a bit thick. (Like, EVERYONE saw Sasaki and Miyano coming a mile away, but like Tashiro mentions SASAKI'S actions, how he's always been super affectionate with Miyano as if they were dating long before they were. But Ogasawara talks to MIYANO with the assumption that he has feelings for Sasaki (even if he uses BL as a framework lmao) long before Miyano thinks anything at all is going on with Sasaki, nevermind his own feelings that took almost a year to sort out.) (thAT WAS A LONG ASIDE) anyway Ogasawara understands Sasaki pretty well!! They're friends! Just like Sasaki also knows exactly how things go with Ogasawara's fights with Yokota, they know each other from years of being friends.

But HIRANO. Hirano is New. And apparently catnip for gay people idk. Everybody is weird about Hirano and yknow what they're right because Hirano is a Weird Guy and I Love Him For This.

Like, obviously, we have the fact that he's acespec. He's not caught up in romance stuff, gives him more time for other things, like being Weird About His Roommate and studying so so much. Insane child who doesn't have a smartphone and reads only school books. What yakuza old man influenced you, Hirano.

Anyway, the like push and pull of Sasaki and Hirano, and a lot of the relationships in ssmyhrkg tbh, is so so interesting. 'Cause I feel like I've seen a lot of stories about like, the person willing to Break Past someone's barriers, the sunshiney person who keeps pushing the person with their guard up. And that's Not At All what we see here. They Give Each Other Space. They just. also don't move away. And tbh that feels way, way more realistic? But also people underestimate how unusual and how important it can be for people to just. Not Leave. To be weird and unusual, and especially for teenagers that feels like the end of the world, but then to have people who don't necessarily match your freak, nobody comes along and says I'm Just Like You, they just go. Okay, cool. And eat lunch with you anyway. Or they hear some of the Bullshit Lies you tell yourself because you're 15 and the world sucks and go What? That's Stupid. And you needed to hear that even if you didn't know it.

And that's Hirano to Sasaki. He's this weird guy who doesn't have history with him like Ogasawara, nothing much in common, except for where they do. They both dye their hair and have piercings. That oh so blatant evidence that Hirano is more than a studious guy on the disciplinary committee. Like, it's such a stark contrast right away!! Hirano immediately defies categorization. How can a guy who blatantly breaks the rules be on the disciplinary committee? And what's his reason? "Because it's cool as fuck!"

I have to imagine Sasaki dyed his hair and pierces his ear for more teen angst reasons. He's scrabbling for what little control he can get, or he's trying to get a response, any kind of response, from his parents who have that very hands off parenting approach. But here's a guy who's nominally doing the same things, but for completely different reasons. Sasaki is floundering in not know what to do, not caring because it's hard to care when you're so so lost, but Hirano Knows. Hirano knows who he is and what he wants to do. His dyed hair and piercings don't come from lack of confidence, but FROM confidence. Dying his hair doesn't mean he's not a good student, and fuck you he'll prove it if you don't believe him.

I think we can kind of forget what a big deal dyed hair and piercings are in Japan. They're totally normal in the USA, and, well, we've got THREE (actually four) primary characters who dye their hair. Japan is a country where some people are forced to dye their hair because it is naturally not black (there ARE Japanese people who don't have black hair naturally). It's a country where what hairstyles are even allowed is tightly controlled. Not everywhere, not at every school, there IS variation. A school like we see in ssmyhrkg is totally possible. But it's worth noting how UNUSUAL it is. Hanzawa dyes his own hair black in order to fit in better. To match the image of a Proper Student, a proper person. Nothing unusual here, carry on.

And Hirano acts differently, not because he's fighting against anything, but simply because he likes it. WHAT CRAZY CONFIDENCE FROM A 16 YEAR OLD!!

Hirano doesn't reach out to Sasaki in some kind of desperate "I'm like you, you're like me, we're Different and we have to stand together against the world" like that's such a common story. But what they have is just. shrugging noises. People don't really need a Reason to choose someone as a friend. Hirano certainly doesn't think about stuff that hard.

Also, while I love Sasaki's whole backstory with why he's scared of his own strength, I think his Being a Freak About Hirano stuff has more to do with like. All his other issues lmao. The apathy, the depression. Guy who doesn't even try vs guy who is actually so active. It keeps coming back to confidence for me, I LOVE characters who just. they just DON'T have self-esteem issues!! They aren't overly confident in the same way that like Hirano isn't involved with one million things the way Hanzawa is--actual confidence and comfort in his own skin VS desperation to prove oneself. Hanzawa Looks confident, but is Severely lacking--not in confidence over like his abilities, he knows he's capable, he's objectively top of the class, and being able to do things for/with people is like everything he's trying to do--but it comes from a place of anxiety, lack of confidence in his place in the world. Although, re:Sasaki's strength issues, there probably is a little something to the way, again, Hirano is so comfortable with his own strength! He knows he's strong, he's not afraid to start swinging at people, AND he's not worried that he'll genuinely hurt someone.

All of that confidence, that comfortable in his own skin and strength and place in the world, all without any arrogance 'cause Hirano isn't even really AWARE that he's like this, that it's anything to remark upon--kind of like his lack of romantic/sexual desire, Hirano is just Doing His Thing. It doesn't occur to him that he's anything special. Meanwhile, every queer guy in a ten mile radius is like god I wish that were me. This is what Sasaki, more than anyone else, sees in Hirano. In this guy who sits by him in class and talks to him and seeks him out and doesn't try to Save Him from his apathy but also doesn't ostracize him for it.

Stories usually go for the big stuff. The dramatic scenes, adding in more danger or tension or conflict to really highlight the relationships between people. Harusono-sensei doesn't do that. The conflict and movement in ssmyhrkg are so beautifully Ordinary. They are just guys, going to school. They're normal. They have friends, they fall in love, they study, they do clubs. They don't need to be glued to each other's side for every scene to be friends. They don't need to know each other's secrets to be friends, GOOD friends. To have real impact on each other's lives.

BUT ALSO. Like okay I haven't read the other novels, but like I said I have read the hirakagi novel, and that gets into the day Sasaki first met Miyano, when he stepped in to help Kuresawa. AND I'M INSANE ABOUT HIRANO'S ROLE IN THAT. Like in Sasaki to Miyano we got that brief scene of Hirano showing up after Sasaki has already gotten the beat down--which, already, yooo. What if the guy you were weird about found you on the ground bleeding. He arrived too late, but he Would have saved you and like you know he could have 'cause he actually knows how to fight, unlike you. But we don't have time for self-deprecation rn luckily because hey who was that cute guy--but in the hrkg novel HIRANO FOLLOWS UP. I LOOOOOOVE A CHARACTER WITH A SENSE OF JUSTICE THAT WON'T LET THEM SIT STILL!!! Not in an overt way, there's other stuff going on in life, but when injustice is presented RIGHT in front of them. This wasn't a couple guys duking it out to resolve something, this was just plain bullying, bullying that resulted in his friend (or whatever they are) getting beat up!! Hirano probably would have done the same thing even if it was just Kuresawa because he's Miyano's friend and Hirano is on the disciplinary committee okay and he takes things seriously!! Hirano doesn't seem to know how to not take things seriously, not in a Rigid Rules kind of way but in the way that he throws himself into whatever he does!! (Again, contrast Sasaki's apathy, god what must it be like to be able to just do things) Hirano hunted down the guys who bullied Kuresawa and Sasaki, he had to INTERVIEW WITNESSES to track them down, he DID THAT. And he didn't hesitate to take things to the teachers and get them suspended!!! idk how much Sasaki knows about that since Hirano didn't even decided to do all that until after he returned to the dorms and talked to Kagiura about what happened, but WAUGH. I would also wager that Hirano probably dragged Sasaki to the nurse's office to get patched up. Guy who's Weird and Won't Leave You Alone but also it's not about Sasaki specifically, except for how it's because Sasaki is like this that Hirano has these opportunities to Be Himself and he's! a caring guy! Not in a pushy way, but he'll take any opportunity! That Manliness:tm: of Hirano's means he gives people space, but he Wants to be allowed to provide, to spoil. And it's like. It's not that Hirano wants to Fix people, he doesn't relish in finding who's broken. He just. He's literally just so alive, so active, always doing things, and if he can do things that make people HAPPY. It's not about NEED, it's about I Get to Do This For You.

In my ssmyhrkg notes (as in the polycule ship), I have something about like. Okay in canon we never see Hirano's reaction to Sasaki's grades improving!! We know they do from a couple tiny extras and from Sasaki talking to Ugawa ("I think I sold my soul to a devil" lmao Hirano's a good teacher!!). Hirano has said he likes seeing his hard work rewarded in the way Kagiura responds to his spoiling, so. So. You Get It.

Also YOOOO FIC 👀 I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT, GOOD LUUUUUUCK KAGIURA AND MIYANO ARE SO FUN

[this-acuteneurosis]

I’m rereading DLB to catch up, and every time I revisit this story I am completely in awe of how you use the Force in your writing. The way that it operates and the discussions around it feel so real, I always felt that for such a big part of the movies it went oddly underdeveloped (if that’s the right word? The literal magic was almost never utilized to its full potential) and you have scratched that itch in my brain. This is my Star Wars canon now and I refuse to think of it any other way. The Order feels like an actual… Order, rather than a collection of characters to fill space and be cool wizards. The masters have different perspectives that actually influence how they use the force, and it’s so much more than just “bad wizard vs good wizard”, which of course the movies tried to do but just didn’t lean hard enough. You lean hard enough and I eat it up every time.

Additionally, how you treat the topic of mental health via the Force is just exceptional. The philosophies in DLB have started worming their way into my real life, and it’s strangely comforting and simple, it makes me feel a bit like a Jedi myself :D I find staying calm a lot easier when I can focus that energy into myself, I think more critically about what I say and when, and I’ve actually picked up meditating simply because it seemed to make more sense after reading about it here. As much as it probably isn’t intended to be used literally, I appreciate the advice given by certain characters and that all comes from you, so… I appreciate you for sharing it.

Anyway, I’m usually a silent reader, but I feel the need to gush about this story every time I read it and wanted to share the sentiment. It really is that good. Everything about it is just done so beautifully <3 I am incredibly grateful to live in a world where you shared it with us

I'm so overwhelmed, I hardly know what to say. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm so glad you love the story so much, and that it's given good things to you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, both here and with others.

(*^_^*)