#as if it's my fault!

[veshialles]

Was there a tipping point for Hyacinth, one decision that really sent her story crashing?

Or was the point that she was always going to end up here? That it wasn't just one big thing, but the culmination of a thousand little cuts?

~Jasper

It was a bit of both, truth be told! My original thought processes when building her as a character were: "what if I made a girl who Gets Worse™" and "Oh shit what if she was a space witch also!" But I have a lot of details about how it all went wrong. Anyways! time to psychoanalyze my own OC

So, Hyacinth's upbringing definitely brought with it a thousand little cuts for sure; orphaned in a traumatic shuttle crash at a young age, growing up in the slums of Marseille, France, feeling alone and abandoned, ending up forced to do morally questionable things just to survive and get enough to eat, fell in with a local street gang that had connections to a larger criminal empire. And, well, when you spend so long "just trying to survive", you might find that the mental switch for your fight or flight response could get permenantly set to "Fight", especially if your circumstances have you trapped in an environment that reinforces and even rewards your aggressive reactions and you've never sought counselling in your life because you didn't have access to those resources (and later because you think you're above "all that mushy crap".) Such as the case was for her, unfortunately.

When her biotics came in, Hyacinth (by then already well immersed in the crminal underbelly of Alliance and UNIN territories) began to make a name for herself as "La Sorciere de La Viste" and suddenly that scared little kid, tired of being pushed around, decided to become something to fear. Taking part in shakedowns, heists, smuggling rings, extortion rackets, hit jobs, the lot of it; doing whatever she could to gain an edge. A reputation which served her gang well, but soon caught the attention of the Alliance Military, who sought her out for questioning (and recruitment). They offered to clear Hyacinth's extensive criminal record if she signed a plea deal, in exhange she would get 3 full meals a day and consistent living arrangements, and while it took some intense prying on their part because of her "authority issues", she eventually accepted the offer and betrayed her old gang.

No less than a month later, the Alliance shipped her off to Jump Zero "Brain Camp", where their trainers honed Hyacinth's biotic powers into a deadly weapon, and she chose to specialize in Vanguard tactics. So now, all that rage and pain and hurt was being concentrated into raw mass effect fields with one goal: cripple the enemy with overwhelming force. She showed such proficiency in this that, after some years of dedicated service, Hyacinth was recommended for the N7 Program. Her hardheadedness served her well in some tests, and caused her to nearly fail in others, but eventually she did pass, through sheer force of will. Clawing her way up from a scrawny street rat to a fully fledged biotic warrior.

A few years later, Alliance Command shipped her off to the front lines of their conflict with the Batarian Hegemony, where she saw some of the bloodiest battles she would witness until the Reaper War. Which, as desensitized as she was to violence, did obviously leave her with even more physical and psychological scars for sure (not that she would ever honestly admit it, of course). All of this culminated to Hyacinth being put in charge of the final assault, where she ordered her unit to mercilessly pursue the Batarian forces stationed there, wiping them out at the cost of most of her unit's lives. There were rumours that her terrifying display of biotic power during the firefight could have created a "friendly fire" situation when she tore those Batarians to shreds, and while it was never fully investigated, she earned her unofficial title, The Witch Of Torfan.

The final tipping point though, in my opinion at least, was when Ashley died on Virmire. Because although her ruthless tendencies were alive and well in the pursuit against Saren, when Hyacinth was travelling with the Normandy crew, she finally had some sense of "normalcy". She didn't exactly "soften up" but she did allow herself to get closer to her crewmates than she normally would have on any given mission, because before she figured there was no point to it. The places she got assigned to were usually temporary posts, with temporary CO's and temporary squadmates, most of whom might probably die in the field anyway, so she tended to think "what's the point?".

But, over the course of her Spectre-authorized investigation, Hyacinth got very close with Ashley, who became someone Hyacinth could let her guard down around and actually have a (fairly) open dialogue with. Although they didn't agree on everything, they got along well and had some inexplicable raw chemistry, and Ashley even took to calling Hyacinth "Skipper" as a flirty nickname. (thank you modding community 💕)

If things had turned out differently, maybe she would have done at least some healing, or maybe she would have stayed the same. But when the fateful call came in, and Hyacinth was forced to make a choice, she ran back to the bomb-site. Not to save Kaidan, but to defend the team's main objective and ensure the facility's destruction. She hoped Ashley by some miracle might make it out alive, having seen her resourcefulness in the field first-hand. And when Ashley didn't make it back to the Normandy, instead of facing her grief and loss and taking responsibility for the call she made, Hyacinth chose instead to turn around take out all of her rage on Kaidan, lashing out at him in the conference room after the mission, in front of everybody, starting the bitter rivalry between the two of them that will likely never truly end. (yes he just survived the Cerberus Attack in my pt, and yeah she's a kinda pissed about it)

Hyacinth's loss on Virmire was what really "cemented" her ongoing train-wreck of harsh choices, because it was at that point when Hyacinth began to truly believe, whether she realized it consciously or not, that she was unworthy of "having good things" and "being the better woman", and that just maybe she was incapable and/or undeserving of changing her ways, and that the universe was an inherently cruel place as she had always believed. And by reinforcing that narrative in her mind, Hyacinth spiraled into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and would continue to make terribly harsh choices under this justification, with each Renegade action hammering this belief ever further into her psyche.

While Hyacinth did eventually find love and understanding again in Jack - a woman who, like her, had lead a similarly harsh life of violent crime, was hardened by it, and even understood what a life with biotics could be like - their tender connection borne from common struggles still wasn't enough to turn Hyacinth away from the path she was on. (At least she was a good influence on Jack?? Somehow??? something something cautionary tales I guess idk. thank you again, modding community💕)

I guess, in a way, the other major reason why she is Like That™ is because, at her core, Hyacinth never really stops being that scared little kid, struggling to eke out an existence in one of Earth's many forgotten gutters. She is still reacting to every potential threat and problem like a hammer to a nail, still willing to manipulate and betray her "allies" if she thinks it would give her an advantage (oftentimes without fully considering the full implications, and later on simply not caring about the long-reaching effects). Because she's simply never learned how else to operate.

So yeah, long story short; Hyacinth Shepard's unhealed trauma and apathetic/pessimistic worldview informs a LOT of her decision-making. And even though her regrets and sins will haunt her to the end of her days, she holds onto the core belief that she deserves to be haunted by what she has done, and the belief that she doesn't deserve to get better. And that's the tragedy of it all. Because like, it really didn't have to turn out like this. She was handed so many chances to do differently, to make a better choice, but when you take all of those events combined, it acted like some kind of horrible cascading domino effect for her, and because of that, it probably couldn't have turned out any other way for Hyacinth, sadly :(

[cobraskai]

everyone arguing if cobra kai is “good” or “bad” like sorry but I watched it when the pandemic first started and it permanently rewired my brain and that is all that matters 

[adammilligan]

none of you understand how obsessed i am with adam picking up habits in his grief in postcanon. like maybe michael never really cared much for life on earth but he had a little fondness for birds or something and he'd watch them sometimes in the moments where he and adam weren't talking. and so now whenever adam sees a bird or a flock of birds he taps his finger twice against the nearest surface. maybe it's a countertop maybe it's a wall maybe it's his knee. but it's two taps. two syllables. like mich-ael. and he doesn't do anything outside of that! he goes on with his day and eventually it becomes so ingrained in him that he does it without even thinking. he even keeps doing it when michael comes back and he never even notices himself doing it anymore. but it stemmed from a place of grief which stemmed from a place of love

[lazylittledragon]

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

[podcastwizard]

cashier: ok that'll be $20

me (visibly sweating): ah, yes, of course! a perfectly reasonable price for a grilled cheese and a small smoothie! that was exactly the price i expected you to say when i ordered a single grilled cheese and a smoothie and my vision is NOT getting blurry as we speak! i am a perfectly normal temperature and my speech patterns are natural and even because this is the countenance of an individual who expected to pay 20 american dollars for a single grilled cheese and a smoothie!

cashier: where's all that blood coming from

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[scratchzane]

even among coworkers i like and who get me i can't say "oh the talented mr ripley will make you want to get murdered in italy" without getting some looks

[pterribledinosaurdrawings]

Toothpaste companies must really hate people who are allergic to mint toothpaste, which a lot of people are! Apparently it's NOT supposed to burn like minty hellfire? (I'm fine with mint candy, it's only mint toothpaste that hurts)

I've been using Tom's fennel for years, but am now trying to find one with fluoride in it, and finding a toothpaste that is no mint and yes fluoride should not be such a huge and infuriating quest. still got some more grocery stores to search, but not even the children's toothpaste in the nearest one had any that were suitable.

Edit: Hey you don't need to keep copying out the tags, I wrote all the Minty Hellfire lyrics here. And then someone recorded them here.

Also, I think it might technically be a sensitivity rather than an allergy, but whatever it is, toothpaste is not supposed to hurt! If it's burning then that's bad and you should try to find a new one if possible!

[maxgicalgirl]

Being a “Fun Fact !” kind of autistic is all fun and games until you get halfway through sharing an interesting tidbit and realize that it probably wasn’t appropriate to share in polite company and now you have to deal with the consequences :(

[montanabohemian]

if i see a single one of you pissed that your faves canceled an event or a con appearance because they're striking for fair wages then imma come for you in your sleep 🔪🔪🔪

(direct that fury where it belongs: AMPTP and the execs)

[spooksier]

me when the emotionally repressed character is revealed to have had something happen in their childhood that was completely out of their control but changed them in a way they can never come back from

[doesephs]

jean moreau really said battered housewife but make it cunt.

[sboochi]

Pretty sure "ease him" doesn't mean anything but I'm NOT rewriting that now >:/

First >> Next

[starry-bi-sky]

I am loudly pushing the batdad agenda i am loudly pushing the— DPxDC Prompt

“Woah. You look like shit."

Granted, that’s probably not the first thing Danny should be saying to the guy that just bit the curb, but in his defense; he’s not running on 100% right now either.

The man -- tall, towering, and broader than Danny is tall -- whips around on his heel, black frayed cape flaring out impressively. Danny would've whistled in appreciation, but he takes the time instead to wipe the back of his hand across his mouth, smearing the blood running from his nose across his cheek.

"Sorry." He blinks widely, not even flinching as the man with the horns zeroes in on him. "That was rude of me. I have a really bad brain-to-mouth filter; Sam says its what always gets me into trouble."

And she's not wrong either, per say. His smart mouth is what landed him in this situation -- with blood blossom extract running through his veins and cannibalizing the ectoplasm in his bloodstream. Thanks Vlad.

The man grunts at him; a short, curt "hm" that shouldn't make Danny smile, but he does because he's somewhat delirious and probably concussed. The man keeps some kind of distance, sinking towards the shadows of Gotham's alleyway like he dares to melt right into it.

If it's supposed to scare Danny, it doesn't work. Danny's never been afraid of the dark; he's always been able to hide himself in it. He blinks slowly at the mass of shadows.

"You look hurt." The shadows says, blurring together around the edges. Danny squints, and licks his lips to get the blood dripping down his chin off. Ugh, he hates the taste of blood.

"I am." He says, "My godfather poisoned me. M'dying." The agony of the blood blossom eating him from the inside out looped back around to numbing a while ago, so all he feels is half-awake and dazed.

"Hey," Danny stumbles forward towards the man, a bloodied hand reaching out to him. "You-- you're a hero, right? You're not attacking me; which is more than I can say for most costumed people I've met." Maybe it's a poor bar to judge someone at, but he's already established that Danny's not in his right mind.

The man makes no change in expression, but Danny realizes blearily that it's hard to tell with the shadows on his face. He stays still long enough for Danny to latch onto the cape -- stretchy, but almost soft under his fingers.

He looks up blearily into the whites of the man's eyes. "Can you help me? I don't-- I don't wanna die." Again. He doesn't wanna die again. He blinks slow and lizard-like. "I mean- I'll probably get to see mom and dad again, but I told them I'd at least try and make it to adulthood."

There's a clatter down the street, and Danny's ghost sense chills up his spine and leaves a bitter, ashy taste in his mouth. He immediately knows who it belongs to even before the deceptively gentle; "Daniel?" echoes down the way.

"Daniel? Quit your games, badger, Gotham is dangerous for children."

Danny's mouth pulls back, and blood spills against his tongue. "Please." He rasps, and grabs onto the shadow's cape with both hands. "Please. He's going to kill me. Please--"

"Daniel? Is that you?"

His lips part, dragging in air to plead with the darkness again. He doesn't need to, the whites of his eyes narrow, and the cape whirls around him before Danny can blink. Soon swaddled in shadows, the Night lifts him up, and steals him away.

[hinamie]

spins him around trying to understand the pink mop he calls hair

[bixels]

I watched Starship Troopers tonight.