#assume other people will react to seeing me. if I love myself so much why do I wish I was anyone else

[milo-is-rambling]

I think the reason I’m so obsessed with that one Jason Todd fic slash drawn to more dark/violent/manipulative smut is that I’m so stuck in my brain that I have to imagine feeling unsafe and scared during sex as the only way to get out of my own brain and feel my body in the experience like I think that’s why I love that one fic with Jason bc he’s the same way and he’s all mouth and brain but as the fic goes on and he gets more comfortable (and the fic gets darker and darker) he can more easily turn off his brain by just letting himself melt into the manipulation but in his head he’s fighting it he knows he could (probably) think his way out of it meanwhile he can’t even see all the bad shit happening to him and just yeah thinking about that fic thinking about needles thinking about branding and bondage and ropes and blood and knives and devotion and worship and sacrifice and torture and manipulation and submission and letting your brain float away from you

[tortademaracuya]

😃🙃

[sports-on-sundays]

and I can change / CL16 / Part 2

Summary: dad!Charles x French!ex!reader - Charles would do anything to convince you to forgive him. He'd do anything to revive his family.

Warnings: Again, Y/s/n is 'your son's name'. And again, his age is unspecified- you decide what you think. crying (LOTS of crying), mention of drunkenness, mention of sex, mention of cheating, broken relationships, broken family, censored cussing

Requested?: Yeah! Requested by some sweet souls who read part 1! @barcelonaloverf1life @architect-2015 @emz2092 @cilliansgirl @lunamelona @lightdragonrayne @leclercgirl16

Author's Note: You guys asked for it, so I gave it! I hope you enjoy! Same song as inspiration. Also I'm thinking after this part I'll write a part 3, and then after that maybe a little epilogue, to wrap this up. Tell me what you think. Also, this is the link to part 1 / and the link to part 3

"Y/n, people change.

"And I can change, too."

You lay on your bed, engulfed in the darkness of the room surrounding you. The darkness seems to go deeper than just your surroundings- deeper, and into you.

Over and over the scene plays through your mind. Those words that Charles had uttered. The way he had clutched your hand in both of his, as if it were his only lifeline. In that moment, the desperation his eyes had denoted was incredible.

Charles, why? Why couldn't you let go? You're making it all so much more complicated.

But you know what he would say. Why? Why, Y/n? Because this isn't just about myself. Don't you see the brokenness in our son? Don't you see it?

Guilt washes over you, and then rage.

I shouldn't be the one feeling guilt. He should. He's the one who messed up our family. He's the one who's fault it is!

The way he cried, though.

The desperation.

The thing is that he is feeling guilty. Or at least so it seemed.

But does he really deserve a second chance? Do you?

Your phone rings at 12:00 A.M. On the dot. Charles has always been on the dot. Unless he's drunk, that is.

Why is he calling?

Right when I'm thinking about him, too.

Although this really isn't too surprising, when you consider it. For the past week and a half or so, you've stayed up until roughly 2:00 in the morning, staring at the ceiling, thinking, unable to convince yourself into peace and slumber.

And now a call comes.

Charles, why?

It feels terrible as you answer. "Charles. Don't call me."

"Y/n," he says in a calm voice. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" you snap, trying to keep it down. Your son is sleeping (hopefully) in the next room.

"For reacting so emotionally. I'm sorry. For years this has weighed on me, but crying and begging won't get us anywhere."

"We're not going anywhere, whether you cry and beg or not." You hang up.

A month after that call where you rejected Charles for what you hoped would be the last time, there's a knock on the door on a Saturday. You walk to it, and freeze when you look through the peephole.

Why is Charles Leclerc here?

Anxiety hits you. The house is a mess, you've got no food to give him, you look like a mess in your pajamas and unbrushed hair-

How can he just show up at your door like this?

It's obnoxious.

You honestly are about to pretend you aren't home, but then Y/s/n suddenly runs in, squealing, "Mama, who is it?! Is it the mailman?"

You sigh at your son's strange fascination for the mailman. You're not completely sure why he enjoys the young, dry, monotone mailman, and for years just assumed because he was generally a nice bloke, and little kids are weird, until you realized with an ounce of dread that the mailman resembles Charles, in a way. After that, you've never encouraged his enthusiasm for the mailman, just in case that was the reason, whether conscious or not.

"No, no," you sigh, unlocking the door. "It's not the mailman, love."

"Who is it, Mama?"

As you swing the door open, you murmur, "Well, love, none other but your father."

"Daddy!" the little boy, still in his Lightning McQueen pajamas, squeals, running to hug his father. You glance away, staring at the floor.

Charles hugs your son, kissing him, and exclaims, "Aw, there's my little buddy! How are you, man?"

"I'm good, Daddy! Are you coming to live here now, Daddy?!"

"Ugh- Not quite..." He picks up your son, and looks to you, immediately saying, "Sorry it's such short notice."

You grit your teeth, murmuring, "You mean no notice?"

"Right," he nods with a quick exhale.

While the presence of your son is a burden for you, preventing you from showing your true feelings, it may be an advantage for Charles, to get across what he needs to get across. Whatever that may be.

Because this is all just a game. Everyone with their own different motives. Y/s/n wants Mama and Daddy to love each other because he wants one place to live. Charles' motives are unknown, but probably are just manipulative and selfish- about making himself feel better. And your motive? You don't want to relive the past, so will avoid Charles at all costs.

Charles' and Y/s/n's motives align more with each other than your's.

You look at your son. Who you love so much. He looks at you with hope. Charles looks at you with... a very similar expression.

These two.

How can you love one and hate the other?

They're both family, as much as you hate to admit it. Because one of them, you wish you could erase.

No. But you don't. Because if you'd never met Charles, Y/s/n would never have been born. And you can't even begin to imagine your life without him.

You hold the door open, and gesture to the couch. "Sit down, Charles. I'm going to get dressed, and then put the kettle on." You say all this through gritted teeth.

How can he just walk in as if he owns the place?

He nods. "Thank you, Y/n." You watch in the doorway to the hall as Charles sits down on the couch with his son on his lap. You watch as he says softly, picking up a toy car from off the rug, "This car is awesome, Y/s/n. Where'd you get it?"

"Mama got it for me! For my birthday!" Y/s/n takes it from his father's hand with much pride, and starts driving it across Charles' chest, up onto his neck, and eventually onto his cheeks. The whole time, Charles laughs, his hand on his son's back to keep him from tipping off his lap.

"That's a super cool car. Does it have a name?"

"Uhhh," Y/s/n frowns. "Zoom! Because he goes zooooom!"

"Oh, it's a he?"

"Of course," Y/s/n says, as if this fact should be obvious. Then he giggles, "Because girls smell."

"They smell?! No way. Girls don't smell."

"Yeah, they do," he crosses his arms, frowning at his father. "You don't know any girls. You only know... Uh, Cah-los."

Charles laughs out loud. "The only person I know is 'Cah-los'?"

"Yep! And Uncle Arthur and Uncle Lorenzo, but that's it!" your son claims in a very matter-of-fact tone.

Their conversation continues, but you finally turn to leave and get yourself fixed up. You quickly shower, brush your teeth and hair, put on moisturizing cream, perfume, and deodorant, and put on a beige hoodie, grey sweatpants, and slides, before going to make tea. The whole time, you mind swirls.

Why is he here? Why is he here on a Saturday? Why is he here, without even asking to come? It's so... obnoxious.

You finish making two cups of tea, finding with awe as you make them that you remember exactly the way Charles likes his tea, and you're doing it automatically.

Because I used to do this so much.

You walk back in with the tea and see the two boys sitting on the rug now. Charles is tickling Y/s/n's tummy, and both of them are laughing- Charles with more of a chuckle and Y/s/n with more of a squealing giggle. When Charles sees you, he slowly stops, saying with a little sigh, "Alright, bud. Mama's back with my tea, and I mean to drink it."

"But Daddyyy!"

"Nope!" he grins, standing up, ruffling his son's messy hair. He then walks to you, and you hand him his tea. He lights up when he tastes the tea and looks at you, muttering softly, "My God, you remembered how I like my tea...?"

"Don't jump to sh*t, Charles," you murmur, soft enough for Y/s/n not to hear.

"Right," he sighs, sitting down again on the couch.

You set your tea down, walking to your son. "Alright, love. I want you to go in your room now, okay? Remember the Lego plane you were building? Why don't you work on that? I want to see it once it's finished, okay? And if you need anything, call, okay? Don't come in here. Just call, and one of us will come."

He looks questioningly. "Why, Mama?"

"Me and your father have important things to talk about. And if you don't listen, there will be consequences."

He blinks, pouting.

"I'll turn on your storybook audio for you. Come on." You bring him to his room and get him set up, until you're sure he's completely distracted with the Legos and the storybook. Only then do you come back to the living room and sit down awkwardly next to Charles.

He's still wearing his red windbreaker from when he was outside, and a black scarf hangs loose around his neck. His hair is a bit messed up, but he looks perfect, like always.

Too perfect.

"Let me take your scarf and jacket. And your shoes."

"Right," he says with a swift nod, handing you his scarf, coat, and sleek black boots. You put them by the door, and sit down, viewing the cozy grey sweater adorning his frame. You have a passing thought, considering how much unnecessary money he might have spent on such a garment.

"So?" you ask in a tense voice. "What is this all about, Charles?"

"There are some things we need to work out. You're right- one of the many things I've done wrong to you is always being a f*cking coward. You're right. I didn't say what was on my mind, and I faked it, and I kept quiet, because I didn't want to upset you. But now I see that the only thing I can do now is speak up, be honest, and be a man. You rightfully left me because I wasn't being a proper man. I wasn't being your proper man. I was being a terrible husband and a terrible father. But now we need to uncover what's true- we both have different views, both of which are likely exaggerated or incorrect in different ways."

"I don't care, Charles," you say quickly, flat out trying to ignore his admittance to wrong. Perhaps because you don't want it to be true. Because if he's sorry, that means you have to forgive him.

"So you're telling me you'd rather believe lies, just because it makes you feel better? What kind of thinking is that?"

You hate to admit that he's right. So you say nothing.

There's silence. But then he says, "So tell me what happened."

"You know what happen-"

"Tell me, Y/n." His voice isn't rude, but definitely firm.

You swallow, shaking your head. You don't want to work this out. You want to forget Charles. But clearly, that's impossible. "You were irresponsible. You'd get drunk, never be home, never help me. I'd be all on my own... You... You'd use me for your own pleasure but never show true, selfless love... Then you came home drunk saying stuff about a pretty woman and sex and getting pregnant... So you cheated... And I divorced you because I couldn't take it any more." You can't believe it, but you're trying not to choke up as you whisper, "Charles, what we had seemed perfect. Until you messed it up." Your mouth tastes like poison.

Charles stares down, his eyes swirling with everything but empty, at the same time. "Y/n," he whispers. "I was terrible. You're right. I was never around because I was immature and scared. I didn't understand. To get away from it, I drank and had fun with friends."

Your lip curls. "You're not the victim."

"And I never said I was! I was scared of being a father. I was scared of messing up. I wasn't ready and I let everything happen too quickly. I was a coward and I left you. Even though you divorced me, I was the one who left you. That's what happened. I was stupid. I was a terrible person. It's all my fault."

"Why would you be any different now? There's no way for you to prove that. Before the marriage you were fine. It was when we married that you went downhill. It was like... you couldn't stand me."

He looks torn apart. "I loved you. I... I... I still do. I knew I wasn't being a good husband or father and to forget about it, I drank."

"And why wouldn't you still do it now?!"

"Because I don't. I feel more guilt now than I did then! I feel more responsibility now than I did then! And that was my greatest fear! Responsibility! But now I don't drink excessively! Now I don't avoid reality! Because I need you... Our son needs us. Together. Don't you need me?"

"Not the you I know."

"You don't know me anymore. I'm not the same person I was." His voice is so uncommonly firm, it slightly shocks you.

You stare into each other's eyes.

He goes on, "That night, I didn't cheat. I was intoxicated. A young woman was trying to seduce me, but I refused because I had you. You, my beautiful wife, both inside and out. I wanted to convey to you that I said no because you were my wife. However, I failed to communicate this properly, and the next morning, I had completely forgotten the conversation. I chose not to tell you because I thought it would be better if you didn't know. I was afraid you would be angrier with me for being in that situation. I was a coward, and I didn't want you to be upset with me. I didn't realize for years that you believed I had cheated. If I had known, I would have assured you that I didn't cheat, just like I am doing now, and that I never would. Because I didn't. Despite all the mistakes I made, cheating on you is something I would never, ever do. I have always loved you, and only you, far too much for that."

Your hands tremble in your lap as you stare at him, listening.

Now you're the one getting emotional.

Charles leans in close to you- too close for comfort- and whispers, "I've changed... Please. I just want a second chance... To right my wrongs and give you and our son the lives you deserve. I need to give my all to you... I need to make it up to you... It's... It's crushing me."

"Why do you need a second chance?" Your voice, for once, isn't aggressive. It's gentle. Softer. Your voice cracks as you say, "You should have done it right the first time."

You see him swallow. "And you know what? I didn't. I f*cked up. I f*cked up everything. I f*cked up your life and I know it. I'm sorry. I wish I could go back in time and fix it and make it all better. I was stupid, Y/n. I was terrible. I hurt the most beautiful woman and her baby in the world. I'm the least." He takes your hand again in both his, but this time it's a gentler grasp.

"But you're not. You're famous. You have so many fans."

"Do you know how many times I've thought I don't deserve all this? If only I could share it all with you."

"Charles," your voice cracks again, and an unexpected, terrible longing fills you. "I want to believe you, but I can't. I'm broken, Charles, because of you. I can't afford to let you break me again..."

A tear rolls down your cheeks, and immediately he reaches up with his thumb, gently wiping your cheek, "No, Y/n, please don't cry... I don't want you to cry because of me any longer... Please..."

"Charles, I can't do this..." more tears fall.

There's hurt and confusion, but mostly longing and guilt in his eyes. "Please... If you'd only trust me, then we could make this right. I could make this right, after all I did wrong."

You can hardly believe yourself as you let your broken, silently crying self fall into Charles. You allow yourself to rest your head on his shoulder, and you allow his arms to wrap around you, giving you his warmth. "Charles..."

"Yes...?" There's a painful hope in his voice.

"I don't know if I can do this..." you cry into his shoulder now.

He whispers right in your ear, "Just give me a chance. Let me be there for you... Let me prove to you... Let me..."

You can't give him a yes or a no. Two sides war inside you- the mask and the face. You feel him stroke your hair as you cry, at the same time as remembering stroking his hair when he was drunk and needed comfort.

This is some sort of paradox, isn't it?

"Charles," you murmur, leaning away after you've gained control of yourself. "The answer is 'I don't know' right now, okay... Consider it... better than hating your guts with an adamant 'no.'"

As he gazes into your eyes, he leans closer. Softly, he places a tender kiss on your cheek and whispers, "I'll be ready whenever you are. And I'll never, ever stop waiting for you."

Weeks pass, and Charles can't understand why, after all that happened that day, still you insist on avoiding him like the plague.

Well, the reason is just that- avoidance. You're avoiding Charles because you don't want to face the possible truth. You're avoiding him because you don't want to make big decisions. You don't want to try again. You don't want to...

Well, you don't want to fall in love again.

And on that day, the way he treated you...

It reminded you of the man you married, and not the man you divorced.

And that scares you. Because you'll never forget the man you divorced.

So you're stubborn and resistent, and you're avoiding him.

So you sit, staring at the screen of your cell phone. Rereading the text on it. Over and over.

Charles Leclerc: I'm sorry for such a long text Y/n but you probably won't read it anyway, so what does it matter? I need to talk with you and you're doing exactly what I've done, what I'm apologizing for. For years I avoided this stuff and one of the reasons we split was that i couldn't stand up and address and tell you my problems. I was being a f*cking coward. And I've said sorry more times than I can count. I thought you might be on the road to forgiveness, to giving me a second chance. I know you felt the same way as me when you leaned into me and let me hold you when you cried- there's something more here, and I don't want you to ignore this. Can't we just try this? Please Y/n? I'm finally willing to step up, be a man, work through all this sh*t with you. Talk about it. I'm finally willing to be brave, and as soon as I am, you're doing the same thing you've yelled at me for years for doing- staying silent.

Charles Leclerc: I love you, Y/n, and this is a problem I desperately want to fix, but the truth of the matter is that you're being a f*cking hypocrite.

Me: How does it feel to be in the position you put me in for years?

You feel mean for typing that, and you're not sure how much you mean it. Maybe you meant to be kinder.

But the anger took over and your thumbs did the talking.

Charles leaves that message on read.

You sit in the cold metal chair, surrounded by pudgy, middle-aged parents and their gross kids all around you as a lone young mother sitting by herself. You're only here to see your son, and none of the other aspects of this situation bring you an ounce of joy.

All of a sudden, a shiver runs down your spine as a firm hand gently lands on your shoulder. Your head snaps up, meeting the gaze of Charles Leclerc. A look of disdain crosses your face, causing your heart to ache as you bluntly ask, "Why are you here?"

Charles takes a seat beside you in the vacant chair and casually remarks, "I've come to attend my son's school concert. And you?" A glimmer of amusement dances in his eyes.

Your jaw tightens in pure irritation, and you manage through gritted teeth in a tense, quiet tone, "Why did you choose to sit next to me?"

Charles hesitates, his expression softening, as he makes an effort to hold your gaze. "Well... Because I..." He swallows and says, "I'm not going to give up on you. That's why. So I figured I'd sit down next to you to watch my- our- son's concert. So..." Abruptly, he reaches for your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours. The veins in his hand are visible as he clasps yours tightly.

Your muscles tense, yet for some reason, you don't pull your hand away.

So throughout the whole school concert, Charles sits, gripping your hand, and seems to refuse to let it go.

And the moment the teacher is done on stage after the little production, thanking people for helping and the kids for doing such a great job and other stuff you don't listen to, Charles turns to you and says, "So, we have some minutes to spare."

Your eyebrows scrunch together. "Come again?"

He chuckles, but it doesn't feel called for. "You weren't listening to her? She said the students can be picked up from their classrooms by their parents in fifteen minutes."

Your jaw clenches again. "Charles, why?"

"Because I know you want it," he says incredibly earnestly. The inside of your heart melts as the outside hardens.

"But I don't think I do."

"But I know you do. Now come on." Your ex-husband stand up, pulling you up with him.

"Where are we going?" you ask. "And please let go of my hand. You've been holding it so long, it's starting to get sweaty."

He clicks his tongue and doesn't respond to either of these, then guides you down various hallways until you reach the school's exit. Finally, he sits down with you on a bench outside the school, and releases your hand.

"What are you doing?"

"Let's just hang out here for the next ten minutes, okay? We should talk," he says awkwardly, facing you.

"I don't get it. Charles, there's nothing you can do to-"

Charles interrupts, holding your face gently, gazing into your eyes. "Please, don't. Don't say that," he pleads, his thumb brushing your cheek. "There's something we can do. We can make this work... Please..."

His desperation, his begging, makes you want to cry. "Please just let it go... Let me go..."

"No, I don't want you to be trapped... Don't you see you'll be more free with me? You won't have to work as hard.. I'll take care of you and our son... I'll take half the work in the house you have to deal with... I'll... We'll... I just want you to believe that we'll be happier... I'm not saying we need to jump to anything today. I'm just saying, let's be kind to each other... Let's go out to eat sometimes, or go to our son's events together. Let's act just a little bit more like a family, even if we aren't yet. I just want to- I need to- I- I- I..." He trails off. His hands fall off your cheeks, and his shoulders slack. His head goes down.

It's like just the hard look in your eyes alone crushed him.

Like that alone is the huge weight he's bearing.

"F*** me, Y/n... F*** me," he whispers, his hands in his lap trembling. "I don't deserve you. I hurt you. Doesn't matter how much I changed. I still have to live through the consequences of my actions, don't I?" He seems to be talking more to himself, but you have no idea at this point. "Just f*** me." He exhales shakily, before suddenly standing up. He stares you right in your eyes, and your heart breaks when you see the hurt, the destroyed desperation. "It's fine, Y/n." He's trying to keep a level face. But his voice cracks. "I'll leave you alone. I'll let you go. I can see all this is just hurting you more. I never meant to hurt you more. I never meant to bring up the past to hurt you. I wanted to help you... I wanted to help you heal..." He drags a hand over his face. "But clearly I f***ing didn't. Clearly I messed it up again. I f***ing messed up again." He swallows. His eyes glimmer with wetness as he practically whispers, "The last thing I want is to hurt you. So I'll drop it. I'm just being selfish again, aren't I? I think this would be better, but you don't. And that's hurting you. And I never wanted to..." He swallows, his nose crunching up. Suddenly he yells, "I never wanted to hurt you ever again, because I love you, for f***'s sake! I love you, but I did hurt you, because, in the end, no matter what, I'm going to f*** it up anyway! So bye, Y/n!" Suddenly he turns on his feet. Like he doesn't want you to see him cry again. But you can hear the tears in his voice when the last thing he calls back is, "It will go back to normal, and we can pretend none of this ever happened! Pretend I'm a stranger! It's the best for you, anyway, apparently, and all I wanted was the best for you!"

You stare in shock as you watch him get in his car and drive away. You remain seated, gaze straight ahead. Tears well up in your eyes, and your body quivers, yet you manage to compose yourself, rise on unsteady legs, and compel yourself to return to the school to pick up your son.

But that just wasn't right.

I should have stopped him. I should have called him back. I should've.

How far can revenge go before it's gone too far?

For days, the guilt, the hurt, the rue- they weigh on you. Every moment of your days, it consumes your thoughts. Regret and confusion and anger fill you in every step, engulfing your every move. And if you thought you weren't getting any sleep before, now it's even worse.

You long to fix it, but you are unsure of how. Despite everything... You can't see how Charles isn't being honest. You want to have faith in him. A small part of you may even want to love him, just a little bit.

You're also fearful. Fearful of reaching out to him, because you don't know what you'd do. You have no idea.

But now you're dropping your son off at Charles's house. You swallow, and suddenly, on a whim, when you see Charles walking outside, waiting for Y/s/n, you get out of the car, too.

"Mama?" your son asks with a confused expression, still maintaining a little smile on his face.

You smile back down at him and say, "I'm walking you up to your daddy's house today, is all."

He shrug and nods, apparently accepting this.

He's such a good kid.

As you approach Charles, your smile twitches while you study him, but you say softly, "Hey, um... I... We..." Your tone sounds weak.

"Yes?" Charles asks, looking up. He looks perfect. As always.

Your eyes lock.

Please, Charles. I don't know how to say this. Please just understand.

His eyes remain blank. You let out a sigh.

And suddenly, you hug him.

Charles seems taken aback for only a moment, before he immediately hugs you back and says softly, "Hey... Want to come inside with me and Y/s/n?"

You nod. "Yes... Yes, please."

So Charles leads the two of you up to his flat. You sit down together on the couch, once again.

Last time you did this was the moment Charles cried out to you.

"Y/n, people change."

You swallow at the memory.

Is this another paradox? This time, will I be the one crying out to him?

Y/s/n is about to hop on the couch between you, but suddenly Charles scoops him up and says, "Hey, hey! I didn't get my hug from you yet, did I?!"

Your son giggles, getting comfortable on his father's lap, before giving him a big hug. "I scored a goal, Daddy..."

"You scored a goal?!" he grins. "Seriously?"

"Yeah! Mama cheered me on! I scored a goal when I played football!"

Charles looks so bright. Happy with his son. So proud. He doesn't get to see him as often as you do. "No way. You've got to be joking. Was it the winning goal?"

"Yep!" your son says proudly.

You find yourself smiling.

"Oh yeah, what was the score?"

Your son shrugs. "Dunno! But we won!"

You smile and mutter softly, "I think it was 4-1." Y/s/n plays in the little league team affiliated with his school.

"Yeah, but my goal made it 2-1, so I won it," he brags to his father.

Charles grins. "Oh, I'm sure it did. You know, I don't know where you got that talent for football from. Do you think Mama is good at football?"

Your son just shrugs with a grin, enjoying the affirmation from his father. "Dunno! But Mama is good at cuddling and playing with me."

Charles laughs. "Yeah, your mama takes good care of you." He glances at you with sparkling eyes, before looking back down at his son.

The two continue babbling on about sports and football and what not, until Charles finally ruffles his son's hair and says, "Well, buddy, I reckon it's time for me and Mama to have some alone time."

Y/s/n frowns. "Aw, why?"

"Because I want to talk with Mama about things that you won't care about. Boring grown-up stuff. Doesn't sound very fun, does it?"

Y/s/n shrugs, still looking uncertain.

"Hey, don't look so down. How about this? I'll go put on Cars for you. How's that sound?"

Your son grins at this, immediately jumping up, his demeanor changing abruptly. "Yeah, yeah!" he squeals, and you watch as Charles leaves with him to go set him up with that in another room.

But soon Charles is back. He gently shuts the door behind him as he enters the room, and immediately sits down next to you, facing you once more. "Hey, Y/n..." he says in a tentative but gentle tone.

You swallow. "Hey, Charles..." You feel yourself getting nervous again. "You're so... You're so good with Y/s/n."

He smiles. "You are, too."

There's no, And I'm sure we'd be even better with him together.

Charles meant it when he said he'd give up on it.

But you move closer to him. You take his hands. "This is a lot for me, Charles. I'm scared. I'm having issues with trust."

He nods slowly. "I know... I know..."

You swallow, and hug him again.

He holds you, hugging you back. He kisses your cheek. He whispers, "I understand if you're afraid. I understand if you're scared, or if you're having issues with trust. I'm so deeply sorry I've broken you like that."

Y/n, people change. And I can change.

The words come crashing into your mind like a ton of bricks, emerging from the depths of your memory.

"Charles-" you break in, your voice cracking. "Those words have haunted me."

"What words...?" he mutters softly.

You swallow. Breathe slowly. And you whisper, "You said to me 'Y/n, people change. And I can change.'"

"I have changed," he whispers.

"But," your voice cracks. "You said a lot of other s***, too. I remember, during our honeymoon..." A tear rolls down your face as Charles continues to hold you. "You said I'm yours and you're mine. You said we'd be forever. You said you'd do anything for me. You said we'd have three kids together, and you'd never stop loving me, and we would be a happy family. You said we'd grow old together, Charles. That's what you said. But all those promises- they were broken... They were broken."

"You didn't want them to be," he whispers calmly. "But don't you realize? Perhaps those promises were not broken, but rather, they have just not yet been fulfilled."

You look up at him, blinking. More tears roll down your cheeks. Charles gently wipes them away.

"I want to be able to fix what I did wrong. I want to be able to fulfill those promises I made to you. That's what I want, Y/n."

"Charles..." you breathe.

He looks so perfect.

"Yes?" he asks gently.

Your lip quivers, and you lean into his shoulder, and you sob.

And he lets you.

For however long, he holds you there, rubbing your back, letting you weep. Finally, you get a hold of yourself, and slowly pull away. You wipe your wet eyes with the backs of your hands, before sighing. "Charles, if we were to do this... If I were to give in..." You sniff. Your voice cracks again as you utter, "Please, don't hurt me again. I can't survive it again. I can't let you put me through that again..."

He pulls you to him again and whispers in your ear, "I won't. I won't. I won't let you down this time. Please don't be afraid of me... I want to love you... Let me love you... If you'll just let me, we can fix this... We have have a relationship in which we communicate more. Oh, Y/n..." he sighs. "Don't you realize how much I care? I- I would give my life for you."

You blink, staring at him.

Everything looks so promising. That's why you're scared.

It almost looks too promising.

"You say you would give your life for me. But would you really? Maybe you would you give your life for me if it meant losing it. But would you give your life to me while you're still alive? Would you clean the dishes? Would you help me when I'm sick? Would you grab an extra ingredient from the store if I needed it? Would you drive Y/s/n to school when you could? Would you really? You're gone half the year, as it is."

His jaw clenches, then un-clenches. "I would do anything and everything I could do for you. I want to share my life for you. Until death. And I'm one hundred percent sure on that. I've had years of thinking about this." There's hope in his lovely eyes.

So much hope.

You sigh, staring down at your lap.

"Y/n. I'm sorry. Please. Not only do I need your forgiveness. But your son does, too." He hesitates. "And I hope you know no matter what happens, the guilt of what I've done to you will weigh on me my whole life. That's why I want to fix it."

You gently slip your hand in his and whisper, "Please don't hurt me."

He wraps his fingers around your hand, holding it. "I won't."

You nod slowly, another tear rolls down your cheek, and it feels like all the molecules in your body are being ripped apart as you barely whisper, "Okay, Charles. We can try this again."

[istoleyoursk1n]

How would the boys react to gn touch starved Tav who always asks for his permission before doing anything? They would respect his boundaries if he said no!

•❅───────────✧❅✦❅✧───────────❅•

How would the boys react to a touch-starved Tav?

.

.

: ̗̀➛ ASTARION

“I’m… not quite sure what this is, but it's lovely isn't it? Who knew something as sweetly sickening as intertwined fingers was… just enough if not perfect for me. Thank you, darling.”

He hardly even noticed how touch-starved you were at first. He was far used to people leaning into his touch and whatnot, he even considered himself to be quite the addictive drug.

He’s been ‘touched’ for so long that at this point your cravings for said touch went over his head.

He was perfectly capable of masking himself once more in favor of doing whatever it is you wish, he had initially assumed you wanted what most asked from him.

He was pleasantly surprised when he realized the type of intimacy you craved went beyond just simple carnal pleasures. A soft embrace, a gentle hand in hand, basic gestures he never once had the time to relish.

Little by little his own walls had started to fall in favor of this newly found intimacy that he finds himself adoring. He is more than willing to satiate all your touch-filled cravings if he gets to feel this sudden twinkling joy.

I doubt he would be the one initiating such a gentle form of intimacy just yet but he would be more than happy to provide if you ever ask.

One way or another, he finds himself far happier when you're locked in each other’s arms. A win/win overall seeing as you get to receive all the soft physical intimacy you've longed for and Astarion gets to learn the tenderness that can come with this particular type of intimacy.

: ̗̀➛ WYLL

“Hm. Pardon me if I come across as a tad bit strong... But I find myself wanting to keep you close. To hold you through darkened nights in blissful peace, it won't be better than any dream I could ever conjure… of course, that is if you’ll have me.”

It did take him a while to pick up on how touch-starved you truly were. All he truly gave you at first was a friendly pat on the shoulder but he was more so waiting until you were comfortable enough for more.

He wouldn't outright ask if you were touch starved, but you’d find him often asking you for permission to give you a quick little hug or a playful high five. Anything that could stimulate you really.

He’d ease you into it, not wanting to cross a boundary or overwhelm you with physical affection, especially since the mission ahead should have been top priority.

Regardless, he sits next to you whenever he can, always making sure that he's allowed to do so but otherwise, he's quite comfortable being near you and he hopes you feel the same.

It won't take long for him to slowly make his way into gentle caresses such as wistful kisses against the back of your palm. Nothing too drastic yet, but he's definitely being far more intimate in where he chooses to hold you.

Though, one of his favorite things to do with you is lead you into a peaceful waltz. It would be underneath the brilliant glow of the moonlight, with either you or him leading the sentimental little dance.

Nevertheless, a touch from Wyll will always be one filled with unspoken declarations of love, a love so delicate and sweet that he had only reserved for you.

: ̗̀➛ GALE

“I could list down a thousand reasons as to why I’ve grown to be undoubtedly entranced by your every touch, and a thousand more as to why not a single part of you would ever go unloved again.”

‘You too?’

He’s lived in a tower all by himself for an incredibly long time, he gets it.

Though I doubt he’d notice your own touch-starved needs just yet, especially if you're shy about it. He’s keeping his hands to himself out of respect for you so not much touching would occur.

Going beyond just small talk and the occasional banter with you has crossed his mind multiple times, but he doesn't quite know how to express such a thing without completely humiliating himself.

He wanted to ensure that you carry somewhat of an interest in him before he flat-out decides to ask to hold your hand.

Or he’d be plain sneaky and ever so carefully guide your hands and body every time he teaches you a new magic trick. Of course, it would be with your permission, but these moments would be completely ingrained in his mind for a long time.

He’s practically been craving to be close to you as much as you’ve been craving to be touched. Discovering how touch-starved you are is only something that draws him closer to you.

Suddenly he’s off giving you the faintest of kisses, allowing his touches to linger longer than usual till he’s finally got you in his arms.

Now you both can't seem to stop clinging to one another at any given chance. Both of you have been touch-starved because of your own reasons but at least you have each other now.

One thing is for sure, the wizard of Waterdeep has fallen completely for you, cherishing every touch he receives from you and happily giving the same gentle caresses right back.

: ̗̀➛ HALSIN

“The fact that a body as stunning as yours has gone untouched for so long bewilders me. You are deserving of every caress, every embrace, and every sweet kiss I could possibly give to someone whose beauty rivals the prettiest of flowers.”

Give him a moment but he could have probably sensed how touch-starved you must be. By the way, you come just a bit closer than usual or allow your own touches to stay far more than normal.

But he wouldn't like to assume so quickly, he might have been reading it all wrong in the end.

He's already had a hard time keeping his hands to himself in your presence but for you? He’d be as respectful as he possibly can. He’d never do anything without your consent.

Though his bated breath and his drumming heart were a tad bit too obvious to conceal. He was a man who wore his heart on his sleeve, a heart he was more than willing to give to you.

He was a bit shaken when he was finally allowed to touch you as if he’d be aching for you for days (he has).

He tries his hardest to be as gentle as he possibly can, but he's hesitant to even let go of you now that you’re finally in his grasp.

You feel warm in his hands, a warmth he wants to keep close for as long as possible. He's utterly enamored by you and is completely transfixed to touching every part of you.

There's not an inch of you that hasn't been grazed by his calloused hands, and yet he always seems to never tire from having you.

Being with you is a precious delight he had never expected to receive, and the fact that your touch starved only fuels his need to be near you.

A little sweet bonus from Halsin is that his fuzzy bear form would be enough to engulf you during those cold nights, covering you with his warmth and having you snuggle close to him as much as you want!

•❅───────────✧❅✦❅✧───────────❅•

[candeathbereal]

Astro observations

Sister signs are the funniest to look at sometimes, because much like sisters there will be the similarites. For instance, Leo and Aquarius are both cocky asf but you know what the difference is between them? Idk if it's just the leos I've met or what but they will say they don't care what others think of them and yet when you say something about them all of the sudden they in their feelings. I can say this as a leo rising too cause bitch, no puedo mentir....if you talk about my looks I might feel some kind of way lowkey. Mostly because it is one of those things that I take seriously about myself so it feels really odd when someone who (in my opinon) doesn't look as good as me and disses me on the way I look...I'm going to be acting (with a lack of better words) like a bitch. I think this is why I get along with libra placements so well because I swear if a libra calls you ugly, you know they can say that shit with no worry of pushback. Like have you see libra placements...motherfuckers rule Venus for a reason (taurus are also pretty but it is definitely different if you know what I mean, I jsut wanted to point that out since Taurus also rule Venus and I didn't want any confusion). Moving on what I wanted to point out is that Aquarius (at least from the ones I've met) honestly don't seem to care. Like I think depending on the placements of the person it could change some stuff up but overall most Aquarius I have met in certain things say they don't care and they won't. Like if you say shit about something they don't care about...they simply won't really react as opposed to thier sister sign leos (fire signs can't help it, it is me I am the fire sign).

Literally Leos it's okay to care about shit...like own up to it. It's better than contradicting yourself. And yes ranting a whole bunch about something does count as caring about it. I'm sorry to break the news to you (i know breaking news people care about things). I do wanna repeat that this is based off my own personal experience as a leo rising with my sun in aries (17 degree) and my venus in the fifth degree (if you don't know those are leo degrees), so I am calling myself out a bit when I wrote this.

Moving on, I might write more about the sister signs in another post

Is it just me or are a lot of Pisces suns I've met happen to be left handed? Like I assume being left handed and a Pisces is one of the biggest coincidences I have experienced in my life. It's even funnier cause I remember meeting a person who was ambidextrous and they had a Gemini sun, libra moon, and a Pisces mars. I asked them if they were left handed and just had to learn how to write with their right hand (apparently left handed is connected to Satan or something like that) , but actually they just decided to write with their left hand as well because it felt more balanced to them. I find it funny because of the whole thing of doubles in these three signs. Gemini= Twins, Libra= Scales, and Pisces = two fish.

Alright final thing, mercury in the fifth house in synastry is definitely a moment to experience. It is one of my favorite house overlays in synastry from usually being one of the most fun conversations I have had with someone with this overlay. Generally speaking air house overlays with mercury is great but something about the fifth house really goes for me. I want to assume it's because my fifth house is in sag and I already have a ninth house stellium natally plus a sag mars. Plus my Aries mercury is helpful in this as well but ehh.

Anyways I would love to hear you guy's thoughts, or even any suggestions on what I should talk about next.

[sweetlikehoneystingslikeabee]

How would Riddler, Scarecrow, and Hatter (your fave iterations) react to their s/o sending them suggestive pics while they're out or on a job?

"Salacious" BTAS Scarecrow, Zero Year Riddler and Arkham Mad Hatter x reader

oh how dare you ask my favorite iterations. That's so HARD. I think my favorite iteration of scarecrow might be BTAA, but I'm not comfortable writing him yet- so BTAS. Riddler it's a toss-up between Zero Year and BTAS. Hatter is between Arkham and BTAS. If I was answering this on a different day of the week the favorite Riddler might change, I love that man and all his forms.

OKAY. coin flip- Zero year Riddler and Arkham Hatter. Obviously if anyone wanted different versions of this prompt please feel free to send it!

TW: NSFW, little fear kink

BTAS Scarecrow

He almost drops his phone. It wouldn't be the first time. In fact, he's chastised you to not do this- if for no other reason than you being personally responsible for three cracks across the beaten up phone screen. He clicks his tongue and frowns.

He chooses not to respond. It's a game for him. Not to show he's angry, no, but to keep you on that little precipice of fear. Since he is possibly the worst at returning texts anyways, you likely won't put too much thought into it. But he is thinking. Brewing. As soon as he's done with his business...

Jonathan purposely chooses to stay in costume. Whichever costume might be your favorite. He uses his key to your shared home... quietly. Oh-so-quietly that you might barely be able to detect someone there. And he sees you, skimpy dressed and waiting by the phone for a response. Your back turned to him.

You jump a little at his hand grasping your jaw from behind, his other on your abdomen. The rough material of his mask kissing your neck. His voice is almost a growl, "Didn't I tell you not to distract me while working?"

Your own voice is coy, "I just missed you, that's all." The way your heart races gets his blood flowing other places than his brain.

His hand drops low between your legs, making you squirm, "Then I suppose a lesson is in order on listening, wouldn't you agree? If you listen... you might just finish tonight."

"And if not...?"

"Well. I'll still enjoy myself."

Zero Year Riddler

The smug look that goes over his face. His dear Aphrodite/Adonis? Sending him a token of their favor? If he wasn't occupied... well. You might be getting a little something back. Alas. He sends you a note to keep your eyes on the news. And not to get dressed.

His grand plan to heist Gotham is like most- showy, theatrical and the cops are five steps behind. Batman three. What you hadn't been expecting was a gesture in your honor, your name in literal lights. He'd managed that rather quickly.

See, in his mind, he expects to hide the cash, get home and find you posed on his bed waiting for him. It's not a lot to expect, is it? Even if it's not exactly to the mental picture, however, he can hardly wait to see you. Investigate any potential lingerie up close.

"And just what were you expecting, hm? A treat? Some great reward for showing what I already know to be mine?" He grins wide as his hands caress your legs, "A silver tongue? Shh, shh, it's alright. That's exactly what you're going to get. So why don't you spread these gorgeous thighs and give me your best high note?"

You are going to be quite the mess by the time he's done with you. And then he's going to fuck you until all you can think of is his name.

Arkham Mad Hatter

Oh-ho! He's in a giggling fit as the picture flashes up on his phone. Due to his head in the clouds behavior a lot of people assume he'd be useless with a phone. On the contrary, he's too good with it. Messaging you all kinds of nasty things-

Then he's interrupted by the goon he's working with. Oh, right. Suddenly this all seems so boring in comparison to what he could be doing. How droll it would be to give it all up and go see his dearest Alice immediately! ...But unfortunately this plot took far too much planning and preparation to simply throw away.

He's almost pouting the whole time, it's sad. Sending you filthy limericks to preview all the things he wants to do to you once he's home. You very well might get a hasty, slightly blurry photo of his dick if you get him riled enough. Tufts of his brown-red hair at the base, his hand cradling the shaft.

"Enough to make your mouth water, isn't it, you wicked creature..." He texts to you. Considering the almost Pavlovian hold he has on some of his partners, that could be exactly what you're experiencing. Send him more photos to keep his night exciting!

When he does get home, he's going to be tearing any scrap of clothing off of you. It's fine, he can fix it or make something new later. Right now he wants you begging on your knees, prepping for his cock inside of you.

[girl4music]

DomKat's physical and emotional chemistry: Chin lifting to get each other's attention to kiss each other

This is Part 1 in a meta series in observing how DomKat portray physical and emotional intimacy as WayHaught

What I mean by physical chemistry is natural and automatic bodily responses to one another in a scene where they perform some kind of physical intimacy. It doesn't have to be physical but, for WayHaught, it is more often physical than emotional. However, I will cover both because they do have both - which is extremely rare for WLW ships. Sometimes the intimacy is choreographed by the director or an intimacy coach, so they may be only following that direction. But even so, to portray intimacy in such a way where it does not seem that way is a talent that can only really be done by actors that do have great physical and emotional chemistry with one another. That know how to use body language to communicate and convey intentions and emotions so that each other knows how to react in response to the other to portray their characters' intimacy.

These physically intimate bodily responses to one another from the episodes 'Shed Your Skin' and 'Whiskey Lullaby' in Season 2 of 'Wynonna Earp' could be choreographed, could be improvised. Either way, they are portrayed by DomKat chin lifting the other to represent WayHaught's desire and need to be physically intimate. Something like this can look so forced without that great physical chemistry that these two actors appear to possess. It looks real and convincing and authentic rather than acted, choreographed and scripted. As if they feel like they're the only two people in the room.

It's easy to just assume when we watch physical and emotional intimate scenes between characters that it's because it is the actors' real feelings for each other or even their real desires for one another. And it may be so that that is the case sometimes because many actors that have portrayed romantic couples have fallen in love from it and even gotten together. But in the interest of appreciating and praising an actor's acting talent and respecting them as real people I do not like to think that way myself. Not only can it come across as disrespectful to them as real people if that assumption is pushed on them, as some fans love to do, but it also can disrespect them as actors because it puts their acting talent down to real thoughts and feelings. Meaning it's less acting and more genuine behaviour and action. I never like that assumption and I never like assuming that way myself because being able to portray any kind of intimacy with someone you have absolutely no real life intimate connection with is a talent. It's very true that close friendship and love between actors can translate as romance between their respective characters but to say it's entirely down to that disrespects their talent as actors and it can disrespect them as real people to say it's more than friendship when they'll likely be very uncomfortable with that assumption. Fandoms love to see their ships performing intimacy and it is genuinely down to the real chemistry between the actors most of the time why they do. But it goes too far for me when it is assumed that it's not acting or there's very little talent needed to perform that intimacy because they think that the intimacy is the real deal. I'm not ever denying that it can't or won't be when this assumption is made for any ship, I'm just saying I don't like what that implies when it is.

With DomKat portraying intimacy as WayHaught it's difficult to deny and denounce this assumption because both actors have come out as queer during the period of filming their scenes together, so at the least it confirms that they felt attraction to one another - which is fine, of course, if they're fine with it. In addition to that is that they have been really good and close friends all the while - and therefore much of their friendship and love translates as romance on-screen. And even though the assumption is strong in the fandom that there's more between them, the Earpers are a respectful fandom and do not push the assumption on to them. There might be a few that have overstepped their boundaries and tried to coerce DomKat to confess if there is, but the majority of the fandom have refrained from doing so while still supporting them coming out as queer because of their individual experiences in portraying Waverly and Nicole and the fact that the physical and emotional intimacy between WayHaught has contributed to the choice to address and announce their queerness.

I feel very at home in this fandom. I've been apart of fandoms for other queer ships where the fans were not mature and have tried to push their assumptions and agendas on to the actors because they were so desperate for that representation from them. And while I absolutely understand that desperation and those feelings as a queer person myself, I won't stand for that kind of behaviour in a fandom and will instead choose to separate and exclude myself from it if boundaries are crossed and any kind of violation is committed.

My objective for doing this meta series in observing DomKat's physical and emotional chemistry is to appreciate and praise the acting talent it takes to portray physical and emotional intimacy as their respective characters on-screen and I'm hoping the amazing Earper fandom will see this series and follow suit in doing the same because the more we express and discuss about how physical and emotional intimacy requires physical and emotional chemistry without just putting it down to the assumption of real thoughts and feelings and behaviours and actions, and rather how honestly hard working this specific acting duo works as a unit in their scenes together, the more we can help to encourage other actors to portray this level and intensity of physical and emotional intimacy with each other without being scared that they'll be exposed for being queer if they are closeted at the time, or if they're not and just want to provide queer representation in solidarity with their queer audience. I think it's very important that we are able to show that we respect them as actors and as people because it's a very difficult thing to do to put yourself out there like that whether you're queer or not queer.

Part of the reason I had the idea to do this is because Dom PC confessed in their coming out announcement with Advocate that they felt like they were a hypocrite in portraying a queer character and representing a queer on-screen relationship with Kat Barrell when they couldn't come out as queer themselves. It made me feel upset and sorry for them that they felt that way when everybody - be it an actor or not - are on their own journeys with experiencing their queerness and I think that the courage and strength that they had to portray Waverly Earp and represent a significant and deep on-screen intimate relationship with another same-sex actor even though they had not yet come out as queer themselves is fucking incredible. Not to mention that they were also closeted in gender identity at the time too. They had no idea they were non-binary and not female which must have just made that coming out journey all the more difficult to do while still in the spotlight and representing WLW. They probably felt they were even more of a hypocrite because they weren't being honest about either their sexuality or gender identity when that's just not how it works. If you don't know, you don't know.

So, you know? I just feel like something like this is necessary to do and I guess I've decided to "start the wave" - as Dom likes to put it. So as I talk about and post this meta series, I would like to see other Earpers or other creators in other queer ship fandoms follow suit and show appreciation and praise and respect for what these incredibly amazing and talented actors do for all kinds of queer representation. How they do it and what it takes. The effort and dedication and talent. I think we owe it to them for what they do for us all the time in sincerely representing who and what we are as queer individuals even if not queer themselves or haven't yet come out as queer. Maybe something like this will help them begin their own journey because it really is a two-way street how this whole thing all works.

[wayfayrr]

They are related to LU but if you go to the tag there's 20+ of your posts spammed all over the tag in the latest, no offense, it's just hard to look for other new LU content made other than yours that seem to be just the same thing but slightly altered and sometimes just you reacting to an ask from other anons about LU

There's this LU author<who i will not name> who rarely uses the tag when I asked why they said they didn't wanna spam anyone even if it's just asks they'd rather tag the fics they made or their artworks relating to LU instead of just short responses to asks, I didn't get it at first but seeing your posts all over the tag one day where I couldn't even find this LU author's work who posted in the same day where you had 10 posts, using the tag, because it was drowned in your spam:{

Hello anon. I'm assuming you're the same one as last time?

It is not nice to have you back.

If the fact that I am tagging my works relevantly is bothering you then you are free to block me. I have said that politely. You could have left it as that.

However. Reading this ask it now sounds more like you are in fact jealous over the fact that I am posting so much. So if this is some half assed attempt to get me to stop posting it will not in fact work. As many wonderful people have been very lovely over you deciding to gout out of your own way to be rude to someone who is simply having fun within a fandom they enjoy.

I am also not spamming. You might have simply mistaken me being active in the tags as such but your misunderstanding is no fault of mine.

You don't like me? Block me.

You are fully in control of your own experience within the fandom, and several people have stated that they appreciate me tagging my works the way they do because it's simply content.

If I get another ask similar to this, I will be deleting it without hesitation.

Stay off of my blog before I find a way to block you myself.

[realsfriend]

unintelligible rant No. 1

I can't have normal relationships...I can't change the way my mind reacts to things. My roommate/best friend - who has never called me their best friend though I don't know what else I'd be to them - is completely exhausted by my moods, but no matter how hard I try not to, I continue to need constant reassurance. The problem is that no matter how much reassurance they try to give me, it is ineffective. I just convince myself they're lying. When I feel an episode coming on and turn sullen, I can feel their dread setting in, parallel with my mood. They bear the brunt of my moods, and it's not fair. I want more friends, but I'm desperate for the two of us to be all we need. And my wanting more friends is selfish, in the end, because I want them so that I have more people to turn to when I'm in an episode. I don't want more friends for the reciprocal nature of friendship, I just want them so that I can give my roommate a break, so that they don't hate me, so that they don't abandon me. But I feel so broken, and I can't concisely state why. My perceptions are so skewed, but maybe they're not. In a recent social situation I felt like I was one step behind, I felt like I didn't fit. I've always felt that way, in any given situation. I don't fit, and I'm not good enough. Lately, and in the past, those feelings have caused harm to those around me. Not only am I not good enough, I'm not enough at all. I always change the characteristics of my personality according to who I'm with. I don't know who my authentic self is. I feel like other people can cope effectively with feelings like these, but as soon as they set in for me, I am triggered beyond belief and it takes days to get over it. And, usually, I truly have no idea what is real and what is the fabrication of my disease. Why should it be such a big deal what other people think of me? It's like, I'm supposed to have this intrinsic sense of worth, but I can't wrap my mind around why the hell I should have that outside of how other people perceive me. If literally everyone hates you, and thinks you're a piece of shit, how can you still assume you're worth anything? Intrinsic self-worth...fuck it. It makes no sense. I am convinced that I'm the worst person in the universe. Out of everything that is conscious and sentient, I am the worst. I used to pin all this on my body, I used to think it was my body that made me unappealing, undesirable, unattractive, repellent. Now my body image has improved a bit, but big deal. I'm still awful and everything around me is pure wreckage. My best friend can't even talk to me. They want nothing to do with me. This morning, there's no way they didn't realize I was awake, but they walked right past my door anyway. Everyone hates me. I have always wished and pined for this person who would be able to handle me, who'd love me unconditionally with all my flaws and ways I make everything difficult, but honestly no such person exists. There is no reason why anyone should put themselves through a relationship with me. Everyone realizes at some point it's just not worth it to be involved with me. I reel them in at the beginning because I can make myself funny and soulful and effervescent all at once, and then they get to see who I really am and they're backed into a corner because they still somehow care about me and they know that severing the relationship would completely shatter me...they don't know what I'll do, they're afraid I'll kill myself, but even so, eventually being around me is too painful and they leave, and I AM shattered. In this way, I'm just the same as an abuser. I love-bomb at the beginning, and then something in me turns and the people in my life see me for real, and they want to get out but they can't get out. It's my insecurity, which is so big I can't even fucking comprehend the size of it. Insecurity, trauma, fear of abandonment, etc. I'm so exhausted, and in pain, and my pain turns my entire body into this one throbbing flesh wound that screams for attention and love. I just want to be loved, and I want to believe I'm loved.

[eviltiddyprodnz]

Queen Charlotte : A Bridgerton Story Review

SPOILERS !!!! watch out bae <333

honestly, ngl I watched this show only because of the chemistry in the teaser. like the wall scene encouraged me to watch it. Bridgerton is always a little hit and miss for me in a I could not finish season 1 for the life of me but watched the next one like 8 times.

It felt a little too fast paced and people began pissing me off from episode 1 but I reminded myself it was a historical show. Although her brother just signing her away and then saying 'shut up, it's already done' made me so mad ??? like let her react ??? even further down the episodes even when he's concerned, he's like oops sorry, already done now like bitch ??? 😭😭😭 so just #uselesss and annoying !!! I am sorry his little burst @ her got me because she didn't even have time to react !!!

The wall scene comes and I'm practically ready to jump but then to me it felt like the show was going 80 kms/min I was like woah woah woah, why is he saying all the right things... this is just moving too fast. (i want to gloat about being right about being suspicious but the way all i knew i was it felt shady, still had no idea what was coming fr 😭)

they were so cute and tender :'(((( ! like this is what the show kept doing to me till we got George POV. I kept on thinking we were just skipping conversations or moving too fast or just going at it because chemistry !!! but one thing about me, i'll see a romance show through and i'm kinda glad.

the show moves too quickly in the first 3 episodes for me, especially if you're binging it like me. a part of me is glad like yes babe! keep kissing each other (their chemistry is insane!) but the other part is like ??? you're not even going to talk about things. like initially i was even mad that he got to decide when they saw each other and got to be with her with a small ass apology. (the pov episode does so much for us as an audience but my girl was #robbed of many explanations)

they look great together!!! like even when she heard his outburst from the door and thought that he married her and is miserable. you could see both of them really liked each other which is why you keep waiting for an explanation, although i was wondering since they dropped each other's hands QUICKLY post coronation did the king not find it weird that she suddenly is angry ??? maybe i'll catch things on a rewatch. like he's ready and has moved in with her !!! but is not curious that she's visibly angry ???

i also will use this post to say everytime someone is not there in the morning after scenes with their partner, a part of me dies !!! unless they have gone to bring you food, you better be cuddling mate !

i for some reason called Brimsley and Renoylds little romance, i just felt vibes and yet I yelped happily when they started making out while wondering what is wrong with the king lmaooo. #real and also the actual power couple of the show! their interactions made the show worthwhile and i love how both of them were ready to risk all sorts of conduct because of how much they cared for these bozos. trust me their hands slowly touching each other had me waiting breathless because for a second i thought they were about to break up 😭 i wanted to see them grow old together

back to the king and queen shenanigans, honestly i thought that the king had just grown forgetful or just had old people problems in the og show so i was actually surprised when he ran out of the house looking for Venus.

episode 4 is we get George's pov and honestly for a bit my stubborn ass was still not ready to hear explanations till I saw him crumble into his mom's arms and it broke my heart. :( (i do not know what the illness is so i am not going to assume or probably read other posts and learn but it feels like anxiety is always a trigger for it and i felt like leaping in like a protective mother everytime someone put him in that situation)

the actor is so good with tender eyes, like the way he looked at her made me wipe out all of the memories of the earlier 3 episodes and go awwww you love her. that doctor was shady from the jump and just kept on getting worse, like the way i wanted to actually k!ll him. like he actually seemed to be enjoying the torture he was doling out on this poor man... with the obsessive need to tame him like WHEN I CATCH YOU ! (nasty ass loser, like when he spoke about taming the wolf i just knew he was not okay...) practically used the shaving routine as a way to threaten the king! loserrrr

i love that her calling that small dog a deformed bunny is what makes the king laugh (which is a relief to see post doc torture) and is what brings him out of this, and he's like fuck this shit! i'm seeing my wife. both the actors are so gorgeous...

also i am a sucker !!! for POVS and this one came with explanations so i was even a bigger sucker

Renoylds just placing a hand on the king's shoulder did more than what the dumbass doc's aggressive slaps or methods could do...

one night with the queen, one dance with the queen and the king was like i'm all healed up he's just like me !!! he was so in love lmao

then he has the episode and the queen handles it well, but he wakes up alone

the queen was fully right for asking questions but once again like the first heard the conversation through the doors, instead of even slight miscommunication, we get no communication. btw, she's pregnant too (which starts the venus panic in the first place) , blessings ! she actually begins to show a full bump and btw this is where i think the timeline fully goes helter skelter for me because did he just leave her for months and worse did he get TORTURED FOR MONTHS???

my girl is about to leave and a lot happens and i'm running out of word limit so i'll save that for another post but a chat with lady danbury #mygirl pushes the queen into the king's place and she rescues him. I NEEDED THAT BAD like you do not understand for a second i was convinced that the doctor would break him and the queen and the king would never even be able to say i love you, like i thought he'd somehow freeze in that moment right there (it is stupid but like i was actually afraid)

she saves him, they tell each other they love her and like i'm ready to go to war for them atp, they are so tender in the way they hug and you can see relief in his eyes, in her eyes and you let go of a breath you didn't know you were holding.

i love how she lets him heal but more in how she takes care of him when she can feel panic rise and his hands shake and how he calms listening to his voice ( take that nasty violent ass doctor)

the way they lied under the bed and he was afraid he would never be fully there for her and understood if she wanted to leave and she said fuch that! i love you and you're just george, just george to me <3

anyway, i feel a wave of sleep coming because i intelligently watched this at 2 am and it is 6 now but the last two episodes were me just awwing at the screen watching him trust her and himself and be happy with her. i'm so happy he got to share that with her

the children, lady danbury and violet thing I'll get onto later

the scene where the king's mom tells the queen that he's happy because of her is so sweet because it is reminiscent of the dance scene where she also realised he was happy happy.

i love how he swoops his arms around her !!! he's happy and safe <333

also this is where the timeline shakes me up because my girl is already pregnant??? AGAIN??? i feel like he helped her deliver their first baby in the same episode LMAOOOO

anyway text limit warning but yeah i liked it

[tirfpikachu]

happy sigh... seeing my womanhood as just being a body type, being a female human the way that there's female dogs and female rats etc, has been unbelievably healing and slowly disintegrated my dysphoria. i'm just an animal who happened to be born afab. it says absolutely *NOTHING* about me, literally nothing, it's 100% neutral. anyone trying to link any personality trait or gender role or dumb stereotype to my sex/agab is sexist as fuck and i can laugh it off now. i cannot change it and that's actually okay w me now bc i don't associate it w bad things anymore. body neutrality reallyyy helped me. finding other afab people who aligned with their sex and saw it as a neutral biological fact literally saved my mental health

learning about afab/amab dynamics not just in general society but also trans circles that i frequented heavily also explained and validated everything i've gone through. i started feeling sympathy for myself instead of contempt. i held my own boobs and apologized to them for seeing them as only for babies or as ugly in masculine clothing (bc i was visibly masc and afab) or as objects that were meant for male consumption and for assuming i had no agency in that whatsoever. but now i know i can fight back. i know i can join radical feminism and fight to normalize bodies like mine and calling out creepy bullshit, making men feel self-conscious of their deviant thoughts and behaviors, nipping this shit in the bud in discussions abt raising boys, learning why men and transfems react certain ways, about afab vs amab socialization and how it affects everyone long-term... there's just suddenly so much i can do about my situation!!! so much knowledge to learn!! it's soooo empowering

i finally can take an active part in feminism instead of weak pop feminism that tiptoes around afab-specific oppression by fear of being a transphobe. i have trans friends, trans ppl deserve freedom and basic human rights, but i also believe in afab rights, and afab boundaries. i want to research more, to discuss things more, and just figure out how to make all of that coexist peacefully instead of constant fights between marginalized groups. anyway. radfeminism has been incredibly helpful in my healing journey and studying it has been sooo fulfilling already. i deeply appreciate my time here, and while i don't agree with everything all the time, and handle transness differently than terfs, i also love researching different radfem opinions and beliefs. it helps me finally figure out my own! i feel like i'm actually thinking for myself now instead of just going with whatever the majority says! in here i can have actual respectful debates instead of only knee-jerk harassment from activists

[discobrainrot]

You know what if you're still doing the ship hc asks i want the swap au kim harry i said i wasn't picky last night but now... It's different I'm invested also bc i loved that emotional hc and then the harrys a bottom right? one killed me lmao thank u

DAMN RIGHT LMFAO

You're very welcome, Anon! I live to make people laugh and cry (usually in that order).

Also, I've been getting really carried away with these. They're... not just HC's, they're ficlets. I'm just admitting it to myself lol. To shorten the posts a bit (and because I'm probably spending more time than I should on them, lol), I'm going to do one HC per ask. Y'all can feel free to keep sending them in!

Kim gets Harry to dance in the church, and it barely takes a nudge.

This Harry is more openly invested in the citizens of Martinaise than Kim. He's still a cockatoo - flying from place to place and talking to everyone he meets. At first, Kim rolls his eyes. What a fucking loser. Why waste our time with this shit? Let's just get out of here...

But, despite himself, Kim stays and helps. They confront Annette's mother about why she's stuck out in the cold. Harry nearly backs down, not wanting to cause a scene. Kim doesn't. 

His childhood is unreachable - lost to the same void as the rest of his memories. But that can't banish the sensation of shivers. He looks through the window and sees Annette rub her hands together, trying to stay warm. He knows her nails are bitten down to the quick. He clenches his fists. Ragged nails bite his palm. 

He knows Harry wants to snap at Plaisance but can't get the words out. So Kim does it for him. Does she want to see her daughter lose her fingers to frostbite? He asks if she's fucking proud of herself. 

Harry is speechless - he doesn't know how to react apart from dragging Kim outside. But the next time they walk by the bookstore, Annette is inside. Kim never apologizes to Plaisance; she glares daggers at him whenever they come into the store. 

(Harry doesn't know how to say it, but he's proud.)

Harry feels for Lena and worries for her husband. Kim rolls his eyes and says they'll look for him. Harry wants to hear about more cryptids but is terrified of looking insane. Kim tells him everyone thinks he's insane already, so he might as well ask. But the look they share keeps no secrets. Kim doesn't think he's crazy. Harry almost cries.

Harry wants to help Cuno but can't get through to him, so Kim talks to the kid. They find the Working Class Woman's missing husband and give her the bad news. Kim stands behind Harry, and it hits him how much the big oaf cares. 

They meet the Speedfreaks and help them find a new sound. Kim doesn't remember his old friends, but he feels them. He feels their heartbeat in the thrumming bass and flashing lights. Whispers of cigarette smoke and too-big leather jackets dance at the peripheries of Kim's mind. Dancing, twirling, laughing. 

He taps his feet. He wants to dance. He needs to dance.

And he won't do it alone.

So Kim extends his hand to Harry and nods at the dance floor. Harry tells him he can't - he's not a good dancer.

Kim tells him he doesn't care.

Harry stammers and says he only knows disco moves, that he wouldn't know the first thing about dancing to this sort of music.

Kim laughs (not bitter this time but joyful) and says no one knows how to dance to this music. It was only just made tonight. 

Harry stammers. He'll only slow Kim down.

Kim says that he doesn't care. He'll wait all night. 

Harry squirms and shrinks, but he knows Kim is right. He's not getting out of here without dancing. So he takes Kim's hand and assumes they'll just do an awkward little shuffle and call it a night.

They don't. Kim holds onto Harry. He holds him close and makes them move. He laughs with unrestrained delight and, despite himself, Harry does too. They dance under the 2mm hole in the universe. They lean into each other's arms. They're blanketed in silence, but they aren't afraid. 

It gets late - later than either of them realizes. The music is off, and the ravers are asleep. Kim is almost nodding off as Harry holds him upright. It feels like a dream. So they sway, Jr. High Slow Dance style. And they don't want to leave. But they have to.

And they will. Just... not yet.

God, please, not yet. 

[retrieve-the-kraken]

Heartstopper season 2 play-by-play analysis

This would be the moment in the typical movie where the character comes out and gets the happy ending and love ever after, and everything is alright, right?

But coming out is a choice for some people, and not so much for others, and it's not always perfect, and love does not always conquer all, and sometimes love is not even part of your story...

And sometimes there are many more issues, and not so simple solutions, and things aren't always black and white...

I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I?

EPISODE 6 - TRUTH/DARE

- Nick knew how to get to the café without consulting Google maps or anything, which means this is a place he’s been to before.

- Nick and Charlie letting go of each other’s hands as they walk into the cafe. And “would you feel better if I waited here?” Nick’s rotund and absolute “NO,” then, a little as if to make sure that Charlie knows it’s about himself being nervous and not about Charlie being imposing, he adds “No, please come with me.”

- “He used to visit every summer”, and it makes you wonder why he stopped. Then Stephane really has no idea how old his son is and how much time he still has before he graduates, because he’s not involved in Nick’s life. Any child of divorced parents knows that nod either means Martine is not interested in meeting Nick (and probably David), or Stephane is unsure of how to bring it up. Or both. “Perhaps someday soon,” means “I will put it off forever because I don’t want to deal with that.” Martine definitely had to do something with Nick not visiting anymore, and even David probably hasn’t stayed with him either. Yet David brings it up when we first see him. “Next time I’ll stay with dad”. Sure. (Even the fact that he mentions how their dad will react when he finds out Nick is bi, indicates that he still very much cares about his father’s opinions and thoughts, even when Stephane doesn’t seem to care much about his sons’ lives.)

- “I’m sorry, something came up and I can’t get out of it.” Did you even try, sir? Dad bails out, this was probably always inteded to happen, to have a very short meeting, just enough to not leave Nick hanging completely. But because he leaves money behind to pay the bill, he thinks everything’s okay.

- Nick’s face when he realizes that coming out to his dad won’t happen, at least for now. Not only did he not stay long enough to even bring it up, but he assumes he’s straight and talks a lot about him having lots of girlfriends, and Nick is probably thinking that it’s just going to be like David, or worse. (Considering that even Sara said some things, assuming that Nick was into girls exclusively, it’s not like he was sure that she would react so great about him coming out, but it’s clearly very different with his dad, who is never there but for whom he still had a lot of admiration and excitement about being able to meet up. He wants his dad to know him, to know about him, to be proud of him. Maybe there’s even a little of “look, dad, you’re not in my life, but look how well I’m doing anyway”. I don’t know, I’m not a boy, and my parents didn’t divorce when I was still a teenager.)

- New favorite friendship dynamic unlocked: Charlie, Isaac and Nick squished up in one bad trying to find Wally.

- Other new favorite friendship dynamic: the boys asking Tao for every single detail of his kiss with Elle. “But I kissed her that time.” “OH MY GOD NO YOU DIDN’T” “What does this mean???”

- Meanwhile in the girls’ room, the dynamic is much the same, but I love that we get to see it for both groups.

- Tara is so sweet, always making sure that Isaac doesn’t feel excluded.

- “So are we-?” Elle making Tao short-circuit with a kiss.

- Charlie deflecting Nick’s question by asking him about how he’s feeling. And Nick refusing to let him get away with it. “I know I’ve been stressed about coming out, but I don’t think I realized how stressed out you’ve been about it.” “I get stressed about everything, you’re nothing special.” “Charlie- It matters to me.” Classic Charlie humor deflection technique. Poor Charlie, he’s never in a million years imagined that he’d fall for someone who cared so much about him, and he doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

- Ugh, this whole interaction between the teachers is soooooooo perfectly off of the comic book page. Mr Ajayi fishing for info on Mr Farouk. Awww Mr Farouk… “Don’t think there’s an age limit on those”.

- "You flirting with me?" "Maybe." MISTER AJAYI‼ AAAAAAHHHH‼

- “They are gonna be a handful today.” Power of prophecy.

- “Thanks, I hate it.” “I knew you would.” Tara, if you don’t want it, I can take it off your hands. (Seriously, where can I get that t-shirt?). I think the pressure of giving an amazing gift is so overrated, why not get your significant other the worst gift ever? That’s amazing.

- Darcy taking the first step at talking about her feelings, thank god, because things between them have been horribly tense and all over the place… “I’ve got plans, big plans.” Oh shit…

-SO MUCH GREEN. Darcy and Tara matching tops, Elle’s whole outfit, Sahar’s vest, Isaac’s vest, Imogen’s striped sweater. And Charlie’s sweater is a big blue-greeny, I feel (and then later he wears the green hoodie). But I think it’s interesting that Nick is wearing blue now, both during the day and then at the party, on the episode where he comes out to more people. Everyone perceives him as heterosexual, so he has to fight that heteronormativity applied to him. He wears the color and defies what it represents.

- I am Isaac at the bookshop, wandering around with a huge pile of books, knowing that I won’t be able to buy all of them, but by all the gods I will try…

- By the way, here's Isaac’s reading list from this season.

- Have kids these days stopped saying “take a picture of me” but instead say “take a selfie of me”? As if the word selfie has replaced the word picture?

- It’s sad how Nick and Charlie take a selfie in front of Notre Dame(?), and they seem tempted to kiss, but then walk away, whereas behind them, Tao and Elle don’t have to think about it at all. Until they walk into the area full of pride flags, and Nick and Charlie can feel more comfortable walking with joined hands. But that’s it.

- The pile of books on Isaac’s end of the bed… I want them all.

- The recharging scene is so lovely. They are so soft with each other. Charlie getting all worked up from that kiss and Nick just says “We gotta go”. I hate you too, Nick, how dare you.

- “Everything has to be perfect for Tara, she’s a princess.” Darcy is feeling so guilty, but she’s terrible at making up.

- Tara’s face when Darcy brings out the booze… oh no…

- The fact that Ben just sneaks into the party, unnoticed, and he just meekly goes around, trying to pass under the radar.

- Seriously, is there any queer boy that is not into Charlie (except Isaac of course)? First Ben, then Nick, and now even James. If only Charlie himself knew, the power he has…

- Even though we already know where this is going with Isaac, James’s little face still breaks my heart. He was so smitten with Isaac… and that was his first kiss… and he probably thought they were two booknerds in love… and… *weeps*

- Wait, so if James hadn’t kissed Isaac just before, that means that his literal first kiss could have almost been his former crush during truth or dare in front of everyone???? Nightmare scenario…

- Isaac, baby… I have now cried every single time I’ve watched this scene, I wonder if it will happen every single time. My little ace heart can’t take it.

- Nick really doesn’t like parties, or he hasn’t liked parties since he met Charlie, because he prefers hanging out with Charlie. Why pretend to have fun when you could be happily making googly eyes at your soulmate in a quiet corner? (Again, with Golden Retriever twin Darcy interrupting).

- The contrast between the party room, full of color and shiny decorations, whilst Harry and his mate stand outside in the harsh blue light of the corridor (again, blue representing heteronormativity).

- Harry apologizes to Charlie and Nick but he sounds so insincere, he’s smiling the entire time like he’s not really taking this seriously, and it’s all made worse by his friend behind him smiling smugly. They really thought it would work… Charlie is not intimidated by Harry anymore, not even a little bit, and we love him for that. Slam that door in his face, Charlie, that’s my son.

- At this point, why hasn’t anyone kicked out Ben yet? You’d think everyone would be behind Imogen on this. Unless she really doesn’t care, of course, she’s over him. And he just looks kind of relieved that he has managed to not get kicked out, but also… is that a bit of bitterness that I sense, at the fact that Charlie continues to stand up for himself and ignore him completely.

- As the game of truth-or-dare begins, it feels like maybe Ben wants to fit in, wants to be a part of this group, but he’s not entirely comfortable, but he’s still there, following the dynamic, maybe hoping that he’ll just be… accepted? And not have to put any work into it? (Am I reading too much into this?)

- “Imogen got a boyfriend last year and she stopped texting me.” “Uh, no, you stopped texting me.” The way that Imogen sort of nervously pushes her hair behind her ear… is kind of… flirty…?

- One of my favorite moments that’s not in the comics, the Charlie-Tao kiss had me in stitches. It’s the cheeky way that Tao crawls over, and Charlie’s embarrassed delight and Nick and Elle’s delighted faces. I love them so much. (Can't believe no one had giffed that yet, or at least I couldn't find it, so I had to do it myself! Guys, I'm really bad at this stuff, help!)

- Who is this person stirring the pot??? Poor James, poor Charlie. But I love Charlie going resolutely “No, no way” when he’s dared to kiss Ben. And Ben resorts to his usual tactics of pretending not to know Charlie (Imogen’s face, knowing that something definitely happened between Charlie and Ben… that Ben is hiding something, and that Charlie very vehemently wants nothing to do with him).

- And you know Ben wanted to bump into Nick so bad on his way out. “Always making a scene…”

- “I know who it was.” He takes the leap, and he checks with Charlie and he knows that, whatever happens, it will be okay. Elle’s smiling, Tara is smiling, but Tao still looks a bit tense.

- I loved everyone’s reaction to Nick coming out, very chill and “oooh so you gave him the hickey?” And Nick looks so relieved, they both do. And James, precious James, asking if they want it to be kept secret… And then Darcy, of course…

- That whole hallway scene all the way to the room, it’s so sweet. Notice how they go from blue-ish lighting to yellow lighting, the color of happiness, their color. Nick envelops Charlie in the warmest hug and they just, ugh, so fucking cute… then the whole carrying him over his shoulder, I want to know how many times they had to do that scene, it’s so perfect. (Had to gif this one too, am I searching wrong???)

- The bed fight, the pillow fight, and then the conversation about not being ready to do anything more than kissing yet. Nick was so nervous, the way he wasn’t nervous when he was the one kissing Charlie’s neck. This time it was his boyfriend being sexy, it was his boyfriend taking the lead and getting him all worked up… he had to stop it, because he realized that he was starting to feel things that he wasn’t ready for at the moment.

- “Why are we like this?”… Like what? Like perfect? Like the cutiest patootiest of all?

- Tao wearing Elle’s glasses and teasing her, whilst Imogen and Sahar are cuddled up in the next bed… And Isaac… baby…

- “I have to be perfect for you.” “Darcy, nobody’s perfect.” Darcy saying I love you with vomit in her mouth and smeared makeup and a crumpled party hat on her head, whilst Tara looks immaculate in her tiara and gold weaved into her braids and her white sweater…

- Mr Farouk giving Darcy a break, like he’s maybe not so strict anymore (because of someone’s influence)…

- I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES NOW I’VE WATCHED THE TEACHERS GOING FOR IT BUT I’M SQUEALING AGAIN. AAAAAAAHHHH‼ CAN’T WAIT FOR MORE TEACHERS NEXT SEASON‼

- That whole Charlie and Nick talking and sleeping montage fixed my mental health, cleared my skin, watered my crops and fed my cows. I have watched it in an loop. It’s beautiful.

- They are finally sitting together in the coach! And so are Elle and Tao. Meanwhile Tara and Darcy...

- The post about Mr Farouk. Merciless.

- Meanwhile both Mr Farouk and Mr Ajayi looking a bit tense and unsure after...

- “Is it true you guys are dating???” They haven't even gotten back from Paris... News spread fast...

This episode is brought to you by Whatever the Hell Darcy was Drinking™.

[quinloki]

I leave the actual character(s) to you but may I request these flavors please:

cotton candy: post the last picture of your F/O that you saved!

pistachio: when was the last time that you or your F/O cried during a movie?

coconut mango: what mementos do you and your F/O treasure?

And one I'm making up because seriously, this flavor should be on the list:

dill pickle: what's the pettiest thing your F/O has ever done to you (maybe because of a fight) or to someone else?

Alright, I'll put this under a cut, cause I'm going to be be concise, but greedy, so it's gonna get long.

Cotton Candy: Since all the best art is stuff I haven't drawn and I don't want to link a dozen images, we'll do a little theater of the mind for this.

Marco - we're in yukata at a festival, sugar candy and candied pineapple on sticks, with Marco leaned down behind me so both our faces are in the frame for the passerby that offered to take a picture when we were struggling to do a selfie <3

Kid - covered in oil soot both of us, and there's a heart smeared on Kid's cheek while I'm near to tears with laughter. Heat or Wire probably took the picture and you can tell Kid is already plotting some manner of revenge.

Sabo - It's a newspaper photo, and we're making rude gestures at the camera person while laughing. Whether canon or AU I just feel like there'd be some level of infamy with Sabo's public image.

Pistachio: Last time you or your F/O cried during a movie?

I am a water fountain, let's just assume if something is too cute I'm bawling incomprehensibly. (┬┬﹏┬┬)

Marco - Family loss in movies hits Marco pretty hard. He can usually keep it in, but I feel like something like Saving Private Ryan would have him, Thatch and Izou in tears despite their efforts.

Kid - He'll leave the room so no one sees him getting misty eyed, but he's almost in the same category as me, he's just not willing to admit to it. Frustration, anger and sadness will get him to tear up, and the first two he'll let people see, but that third one is kind of a unicorn.

Sabo - He doesn't. Love him dearly, but he's far too practiced at compartmentalization. He'll hand over a box of tissues without a word, pet my hair when a scene is ramping up and just let me bawl, but he doesn't really get sucked into movies enough to get effected that way. (It's also why he drives after action movies, cause me and Ace get too wound up over them XD )

coconut mango: what mementos do you and your F/O treasure?

Marco - I've dove into it before, but Marco and his damned bar coasters. They grow on you, they do. I have a few small items from other people I cherish, but those coasters are pretty much ours at this point, and not just his.

Kid - The perk of Kid as your F/O are all the little knick knacks, but a metal and wood polished set of arm bands, are my favorite gift from him. Kid's most cherished item is... weird, but - okay, so look, I wanted to learn how to fight, I get the forms and functions, right? But I'm not... feisty enough. >.> Anyway, sparring with the crew saw improvements, and one time Kid and I were going at it and I managed to really ring his bell. He reacted instinctively and now he has my tooth on a chain.

Sabo - I... may have to come back to this. Things with Sabo are still new, and I haven't given it enough thought it seems.

And one I'm making up because seriously, this flavor should be on the list:

dill pickle: what's the pettiest thing your F/O has ever done to you (maybe because of a fight) or to someone else?

Marco - I've never tested Marco enough to know this, and I don't WANT to test Marco enough to know this. Knowing one's limits are important and there's some lines you just kind of instinctively know better >.>

Kid - Stole all my underclothes. T-T Look, I'm just not good at buying necessities for myself, and I will wear clothes to threads. Even the stuff I shouldn't like bras and such. And bad bras can leave marks and bruises and little miss Tulip head got all pissy about it. Bad underclothes are better than no under clothes, so a shopping we had gone.

Sabo - Made me wear mittens for a day so he could get doors and chairs and such for me. Was enough of a good sport to take them off when I had to go to the bathroom, was enough of a bastard to leave them on when it was time for bed.

[nicollekidman]

THE WAY YOU BACKTRACK no its just a conspiracy people seeing antisemitism with their own eyes? abby get a grip, you apologize and then you reblog a "actually its just a conspiracy to discredit palestine" like these theories havent been around for millenia

i at no point have backtracked???? you guys have to calm down and like either read the words i’m typing or accept you’re just dying to scold me for some reason and to stop engaging. like i know a disconcerting amount of you are zionists hanging around to just randomly accuse me of antisemitism (there’s a reason i haven’t been publishing those over the last few weeks lmao) but if someone comes to me and says “what is your reaction to this stuff i’ve been seeing” and i say “idk i haven’t been seeing any of that, here is my reaction to what i HAVE been seeing” and i get like six more people saying “no actually we have been seeing this stuff and if you don’t more obviously say you don’t Love Osama Bin Laden then we’re going to assume you love antisemtism!!!” then obviously my first reaction is going to be like. well damn i didn’t realize you guys were seeing this, i better get rid of an upsetting response i made off the cuff based on different information, and apologize for upsetting anyone by the disconnect.

but then the most recent post i recently reblogged is about the VERY SPECIFIC PHENOMENON we’re all currently discussing, where overnight, a prominent grifter twitter journalist wrote about a “viral” tiktok trend where the youth are apparently “praising” a terrorist which again. from the beginning, i have said i have not seen evidence of myself (which is true!!). and if you take a second to step back and ask yourself why on earth this would happen out of nowhere and be reported on like it’s a sweeping trend taking hold of america’s youth (after like 24 hours), on a platform that for weeks i have seen literally only videos from/by young palestinians and young jewish people educating their peers and others…. then maybe those videos are not truthful and organic thoughts from real people.

idk why it’s easier to believe that a platform that has been a huge source of information for the palestinian cause in a way that zionists and other invested groups cannot control is, i cannot emphasize this enough, OVERNIGHT filled with kids who have decided after reading one letter (that has been PULLED by the website citing this specific trend!!) that they love the thoughts of osama bin laden…. rather than accepting that our disdain for both tiktok as a resource and young people as a general group makes us accept that insane idea much more easily than we normally would!!!

i think that young people are capable of rational thought! i also know that writing about tiktok as a breeding ground for concerning trends/incomprehensible viral videos is a sure fire way to get everyone up in arms in a way that i don’t accept as reality! i also know that this whole thing has probably been very concerning for jewish people who don’t want to see antisemitic bigoted hateful vile people given a platform. but what i’m saying and what that post is saying is that insofar as these videos of kids apparently being “on board” with osama exist and are being spread (again. i personally have not seen a single one, so my original post is deleted was not reacting to this type of video) are very likely being created/spread with the intent to discredit tiktok as a platform and bury legitimately educational content.

if all you take from this is that i ❤️ antisemitic conspiracies then fine, i feel like i’ve been clear and at this point engaging further feels like adding fuel to a fire i don’t have any interest in spreading. if anyone feels like im being ignorant and wants to talk to me about it im obviously always open but this particular line of questioning? ive made myself clear and im not buying into the hysteria. young people are, in larger numbers than i have ever seen in my lifetime, mobilizing in their schools and cities and local government to make their voices heard and pressure their politicians for change, every day i see extremely brave people on my tiktok both spreading information and doing their best to get educated responsibly, and my attention and energy is with those kids, not with a likely manufactured hysteria over terrorist lovers that i haven’t seen myself at any point.

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

Hii! I remember a few months ago I saw the TikTok challenge “not saying I love you back to my girlfriend/boyfriend” (I feel like I worded that a little weird) Anyways may I request how Eula, Ganyu, and Keqing would react to a reader not saying I love you back? Also remember to take care of yourself <33

How they react to you not saying “I love you” back as a prank

characters: Eula / Ganyu / Keqing x gn!reader (seperate)

warnings: none

a/n: Don't worry, I may be one of the people that reject the idea of touching that website with anything other than a 10 meter pole, but even I saw a couple of those videos, so I know what you mean /j.

Anyway, hope you enjoy"

Eula

Eula’s way of communicating might be intimidating for most people, but she was still a reasonable person, so when you didn’t respond to her saying “I love you” before planning to walk out of the door, she at first assumed that you simply didn’t hear her at first, causing her to repeat herself a bit louder this time, only for you to remain silent once again.

But even she would eventually find herself getting annoyed by your silence after repeating herself a couple of times, choosing to instead confront you after going through the whole ordeal one too many times.

“It’s good manners to respond to someone when they’re talking to you, especially when they’re saying something like I love you”, she stated, returning to her usual tone, even though her annoyance was very evident. For a brief second you thought about continuing your act, only to decide not to draw out the inevitable any longer, choosing to shoot her an awkward smile.

“Sorry, I just heard of people not responding to it to see what kind of reactions they’d get out of it and wanted to try it out myself”, you admitted, realising that it was a little bit stupid after saying it out loud like that, only to hear a sigh from Eula afterwards.

“I have more important things to do then argue about the reasonability of a prank. I’m heading off to work now, until later”, she said her goodbyes while making her way to the door, only for you to shout something into her direction the moment before she had fully closed it behind her.

“Have fun at work, I love you!”, even though she was rightfully a bit annoyed, at this point you knew well enough that surprising her with her favourite food once she came home would be enough to make her fully forgive you.

Ganyu

Ganyu’s self-conscious personality would make her stress over even the smallest of things, so when you said your goodbyes before making your way out of her office, going off to work on your own duties, only to ignore her, she couldn’t help but feel a bit discouraged.

You probably didn’t hear her, her shyness did make her say it in a voice barely audible after all, so it wasn’t all too surprising for you not to hear it. Or so was her initial reasoning at least, but it didn’t take her brain too long to think about all the other possibilities why you wouldn’t respond, worrying her so much that she found it hard to work.

You may have been curious for her reaction, but you weren’t a monster, so you started feeling immense guilt the moment you close the door, only to argue with yourself for a couple of minutes before deciding to enter her office once more, immediately noticing her already being in her usual state of overthinking.

“I love you too”, you called out, only for her to be too busy worrying to even notice your presence, causing you to go up to her before taking her hands in yours and repeating yourself once more.

“Wait… So you did hear me? But why didn’t you respond?”, she asked, her voice lacking any hints of the accusatory tone that would have been completely justified in this situation, making you feel even more guilty about your “prank”.

“I’m sorry, it was just me being stupid and curious how you would react. Please forgive me”, you apologised profusely, holding eye contact the entire time, only for her to let out a relieved sigh.

“If that’s it I’m relieved, just please never do something like that again”, she stated, being immediately followed by you agreeing, holding her hands for a few more seconds before deciding to leave to do your own work

Keqing

Keqing had to endure hearing her co-workers talk about that “challenge” for the past few days, the reactions of their loved one’s seemingly being the only thing that happened in recent memory that was interesting enough to be discussed 24/7, so when you didn’t respond to one of her rarer methods of saying her goodbyes, she immediately knew what you were trying to do.

You didn’t even have enough time to register Keqing making her way back through the door, to be prepared for her face flashing up in front of you once again, this time with a much more annoyed expression than before. For a split second you thought about what you had done to make her look at you the way she did, only to remember the “prank” you decided to try out only a few seconds prior.

“Really? Aren’t you a bit too old to try out such childish pranks?”, she asked with her arms folded in front of you, only for you to play dumb as an answer. You hadn’t expected it to be effective at all, but your attempts to play ignorant were successful in making Keqing’s entire attitude change.

She had been so fixated on the whole challenge, that she hadn’t even thought about the possibility of you simply overhearing her. But once she did, her face immediately started slightly blushing, only for her to mutter something before turning around and leaving again.

“Nothing, just forget about it.” Mistaking your “deafness” as you trying out the challenge wasn’t only embarrassing, but also made her reveal to you that such a thing even existed, foiling any of her plans to try it out on you in the not so far future.