#at least some good that'll come out of this fucking mess

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I wonder if I'm makin things better or worse for the collective bein like this. On one hand I'm not happy or makin any progress towards it, but...I can't rly even imagine that. I can't imagine a life without him. It's not that I don't want it, on some level I know it'd be better for me, but...I can't even dream about it cause I just can't imagine it at all.

On the other hand I make a great decoy. He's basically dropped all interest in Angel cause now he knows I'm the one who still wants him n loves him n can't exist without him. So at least one of us will make it out this time, I think.

[ohanny]

my least delusional take on how kim and kenta might happen in season 2

so call me delusional but i don’t think the prison trio works for tony. first of all, kenta pretty much murdered him and i don’t think tony is the kind of man to forgive that? one could argue he could use it to guilt kenta but like… there are way more risk-free options not inside a prison for stabbing you. winner was a henchman of opportunity and selfish benefit and just looks like the sort to hold a bitter grudge forever. and dean? dean was caught up in the mess at his weakest point and going through the consequences of his own actions. also i want all three of them to move forward and not back.

but obviously they are working for someone - i see them as being rather reluctantly allied with the common goal of getting and, most importantly, staying out of prison. and this is where i want kim to stumble in on their little operation and actually agree with their mission which leads to him teaming up with them. like maybe the trio is trying to figure out what's going on with tony or way or the rest of the child/organ trafficking ring and maybe it's something the x-hunter team has dismissed or doesn't want to dig into but please. since when has st. kimberly of justice have been able to walk away once he catches the scent of something rotten in the state of denmark? never.

winner and dean have a thing against kenta - winner because he's a bitch and dean because kenta ruined his life - and kim sure as shit isn't going to be on winner’s side: so the circumstances make him partner up with kenta by default. together they get shit done and keep the rest of their little gang of misfits in check.

kenta is a bit feral and unstable and kim is very no nonsense about his “you want to figure out who you are and how to be a better person? fucking act like it” opinions. like give me kim being bossy and righteous and kenta wanting to strangle him because he can't deal with someone trying to control and micromanage his every move again. give me kenta lashing out and kim looking at him all “with all due respect - which is none - you can't pull this shit in a civilized society.” give me kenta trying his best to function, having his own rituals and behaviours - some of them very maladjusted and plain sad - and kim, witnessing it from close range, thinking “holy shit that's messed up.”

(kim snaps and gets into kenta’s face and kenta flinches before shaking it off and striking back. kenta is possessive and stupid aggressive about the most mundane things - like his cigarettes, clothes or food - and kim finds it infuriating until he realizes they're the first and only things kenta’s been allowed to actually own. kenta gets banged up in the process of them doing something and kim barks at him to “sit the hell down and let me look at it” and kenta responds with a blank-faced “why?”)

kim might not start out liking kenta, that'll come later and almost by accident, but he pities the man and doesn't think anyone deserves to like that way. and they don't even need to explicitly end up together but give me and ending where it's hinted at as the natural next step now that they've grown genuinely fond of each other.

-

bonus:

kim: hey, i don't like the guy either but we’re on the same side this time

alan: you sure about that?

kim: yeah, he wants nothing to do with tony.

alan: not what i meant but good to know

[mme-snow]

Free use with Måneskin Headcanons ♡

These are just some of my thoughts regarding how Måneskin would use a free use agreement!

Cw: established relationship, f!reader, cnc

Damiano

oh, he'd be a fan

we all know how comfortable damiano is in his skin and with his sexuality (as are all of them)

i also think he'd be very experimental, wanting to try most things at least once, so when you brought up the topic he was game immediately

it didn't take long for him to cash in on the agreement, practically vibrating with excitement as he spotted that one necklace around your neck

he'd spend the day bending you over furniture whenever you were least expecting it, leaving you a shaky and drooling mess every time

i also think he'd use it in a rather exhibitionistic way, mainly using it to fuck you while you have guests in the other room, hands held tightly behind your back so you could barely muffle your moans and whines for him

while i don't think it'd be one of his top kinks, i think he'd like it

"fuck, i can't believe you're letting me do this, amore. y'know the rest of the band is downstairs, you want them to hear you being a slut for me? better stay quiet then if you don't~"

Victoria

in victoria's case, i think she'd constantly be a pain

the second she sees the consent necklace she's teasing and touching you until you're practically dripping for her

then she'd bring you to the brink of an orgasm, just to pull away. multiple times.

usually she likes doing this by either eating you out or fingering you, but sometimes she'll experiment with having you ride her thigh maybe

of course she'd be clothed (at least wearing pants) while you'd be naked, making you drag your dripping cunt all over the rough denim of her jeans all while teasing you

she'd only let up after she's decided you've begged and made her cum enough

"aww, look at you, cucciola, i've barely done anything and you're already such a mess.. look at what a mess you're making on my jeans, you know how hard that'll be to get out? i don't think you deserve to cum after that"

Ethan

in my opinion he'd use your agreement rather sparingly

in fact you might think he'd already forgotten about it when he first makes use of this agreement

in reality, he just needs to be a certain mood (tense, frustrated, pent up)

so he'd use free use to fuck you hard, using your body as a pliant little toy for his pleasure

he'd have your body thrown over the arm of the couch in a heartbeat, eager hands already having stripped you before

after that it wouldn't take long for him to start pounding into you, not bothering to hit any of your good spots while his fingers dug into the skin of your hips, pulling on your hair, locking you in a chokehold, sure to leave bruises all while reminding you that you were just a doll for him to fuck and use as he pleased

the feeling of being nothing but a toy had you spiraling and coming despite him not hitting that spongy spot inside of you or touching your clit

he was quick to jump onto this though, telling you how your body knew it was just meant to be used by him

"cazzo, puttana, you're so fucking tight around me. just a little toy for me to use and dump my cum in, isn't that right? my dumb little doll"

Thomas

i also think he wouldn't use it often, but when he does he'd be the polar opposite to ethan

he'd just want to make you feel good, take care of you

he'd spend hours buried between your thighs, using his fingers and tongue to get you off again and again

during this he might rut against the bed, whimpering pathetically against your folds as he finally came in his pants almost purely from pleasing you

i do think he'd naturally take a rather submissive role in the bedroom, just wanting you to feel good

he'd feel bad using you to get off, no matter how often you tell him it's okay

"you taste so sweet, dolcezza, fuck- could be here all day long, please, c'mon, i know you can give me one more- just one more, micetta, please-"

A/N: hi! i've never written for måneskin before and i'm a new fan, so i hope it fits in alright!

[blood-injections]

Ooookay killjoy suitehearts masterpost here we go, been putting this together for a while now since everyone started posting their suitehearts stuff..

So I kinda have two versions of stories for them, i mean thats the great thing about writing and headcanons is that they can varie from story to story but anyway! this is like their main story and what I'll write if I ever get to writing a story focused on them, and varients of it will be similar with some like little changes if theyre more like background characters in something. But the two versions rn are just this main one and a slightly differing one for some other stuff in my drafts bc this main one is focused in the city bc the suitehearts are just such an underground rebel crew to me versus loud and proud killjoys in the desert, while the variation story is one where they are in the desert, or at least theyre like split between the city and desert, you'll see.

Some like basics before I get into their individual stuff, yeah they have, well mostly have their crazy looks, they're a crew of theater kids lol, not really they just have a sense of whimsy. I'll post art of each of my designs for them eventually their outfits arent as crazy because they have to like be able to fight and run and shit in them, but they stick with the colors and facepaint, because facepaint throws off facial recognition scanners so that the cameras cant track them, so they might as well have fun with it, and they turn it into part of their killjoyesque personas, the facepaint becomes them, marks them as crew and their personas kind of become characters in urban legends that everyone in the citys heard of.

ANYWAY

Dr. Benzedrine

Dr. Benzedrine? More like Mr. Medical Malpractice. Kidding. Mostly. He grew up in a wealthy family with parents that were good citizens and he always wanted to be a scientist or a doctor, to help people, and he was smart and they had money, so he was able to get into school and be just that. To learn all about science and medications and surgery and over the years he moved up the ranks, until he was one of the best surgeons in the city, and one thing about doctors, especially surgeons is that they have to be clear minded, not drugged up and foggy headed. And one thing about being good, about being a respected professional? Its like being an exterminator, you're never off the hook but the people in charge? They dont care as much about the state of your head, as long as you're loyal. So Benzedrine has benefits, and one of them is getting clean, of the decidedly mind altering stuff at least. But with clarity of mind for the first time in his life comes horrifying realization, because as a respected surgeon, he sees shit, because hes working in places that screams echo down the halls of and he can just tell that somethings wrong. He snoops and learns of re-education and of what happens to captured killjoys, interrogations and experiments and those are people and hes sickened. The more he digs the more he learns and the more he develops an intense hatred for better living and maybe he starts.. doing experiments of his own. Beause he works on a lot of respected folks, a lot of higher ups. He never botches a surgery but he starts messing with things, fucks with something while hes at the operating table, something that can't be traced back to him but that'll take the patient out in say, a couple months.

He's never disgusted by what hes doing, only finds pride in it, and maybe his hatred has twisted him but he likes himself better that way. The officials catch him snooping, though, eventually, but luckily they don't expect a thing, especially not when hes grown a master at lying. Because he's a respected doctor that has in their minds proven himself loyal, and when he bullshits his way through them finding him snooping about the lower levels of the hospital, they're nothing but happy at the fact he's grown curious about re-education, in fact they show him around, tell him all about it, their words are all propaganda and lies about how they're helping the people there, of course, but he smiles and nods along and makes comments like he agrees wholeheartedly. They say if hes interested in helping these people too, they can get him a position. He asks of he can still be the top surgeon if he takes up this position too and they say of course! As long as he doesn't overwork himself theyd be glad to have him assert himself in different fields of research.

So, he starts working with the prisoners. Because thats what they are. He sees them come in beaten up and hissing and spitting and he gets to see them grow complacent as they forget their whole lives in favor of some made up sob story and how theyll be so much happier once they're introduced back into society after their treatments. They'll only go on to be sanitation workers or office nuts at best, maybe scarecrows if they seem smart, but half of them will probably be plagued with nightmares once thyre released, broken memories trying to break through the chemical haze. They'll relapse, snap, do something drastic and they'll either be dracced or sent right back here to repeat the process all over again. Re-education isn't a complete fix, a guarantee of normalcy. It'll never be, not as long as they're just traumatizing people and praying they stay comatose long enough to get work done.

Hes there when a new batch of them come in, delinquents from the rebel underground, he learns, which flips his world upside down, theres a rebel underground? And they're apparently dangerous enough to be treated like captured killjoys. He sees these new patients come in in bonds, theres five of them captued, some silent and glaring and the others screaming until theres a needle shoved in their neck.

His new position is that of a twisted sort o psychiatrist, they gave him a whole slideshow to get ready for it. It told him to get in their heads, learn the secrets that interrogations couldnt get out and replace them with better living propaganda, until theyre nothing but smiling citizens ready to be let back into society. It's fucking brainwashing, nothing but, he fucking hates it. But they trusted him to do it and now hes here, but since he's here maybe he can help. Not brainwash these people, but help them, and if theyre really part of a rebellion, maybe if he helps them get out they'll take him with them and he can help people that probably actually need it, not just rich assholes from the center city.

Thats his plan, and it works, it takes a while to get the patients to trust him but once they do, they all get out. Sandman, Crab, and Donnie were all part of that group and its how the four meet and bond and start becoming a crew. Dr Benzedrine picks his name and quickly becomes a very valued member of the resistance because theres medics, but no professionals, let alone surgeons.

Mr. Sandman

Street kid, his parents were ritalin rats that stirred up too much trouble and got dracced when he was pretty young. He was hiding under a bed when it happened and Better Living didn't find him, but they didn't bother looking because he was a poor autistic little kid that they saw no use in. So they left him to his empty shitty little apartment in the slums. They never kicked him out, so hes luckier than most that he still had a place to sleep, but once he ran out of food he had to head to the streets, figure out how to either get food or money to survive. He learned and he grew up dealing illegal merchandise, not as low as you could stoop, but pretty low, low enough that if you're busted you could get dracced. But it kept him just afloat enough to not starve.

Illegal merchandise is stuff like outlawed music and media, cds he burned himself off the originals, cassettes, vhs. Just whatever he could get his hands on. And when he could get a signal, he'd play the stuff over the old radio equipment in his basement, making sure to scramble where the signature was coming from, because he'd definitely be dracced if they found out he was putting that stuff on air. Not like it got out of the city, bli has shit that doesn't let any signals in or out, but once in a very rare while, he'll get some faint killjoy frequencies and record whatever he can onto cassettes.

But even though he was dealing in secret and even though he didn't want to be a cog in the machine, even though he wanted to be one of those juvie halls, the rebels on the streets that you can hear hollaring at night, throwing bricks at scarecrows and running off before facial recognition gets them, he strived to get into the Better Living Academy, because it hasn't crosed his mind that he might not be stuck in battery city yet, like most people that rebel, he doesn't want to be on his streets his whole life, so he tries getting in to learn anything, even to get some shitty cubicle job, as long as it means maybe he could actually afford more than the shit slum slop he pawns for. But at he end of the day, he isn't on his pills and he knows they won't like that if they find out, and they keep turning him away anyway for his temperment, for his oddities, because he's still autistic and the bright lights and white expanse of bli spaces make his head scream and he just doesn't get half the questions they ask him and if he has his own questions, they dont explain things furthur for him.

So he gives up on that plan, whatever, at least he's still got his shit to deal out, at least he isnt drugged up like everyone else he saw in the screening rooms for the academy, all empty in the head. He can think, at least. And he has his music, he likes music.

Then he meets Horseshoe Crab, a really weird fellow who takes most of his stock for a hefty handful of carbons that'll get him along for a couple weeks, and the guys so nice he's suspicious, until their deal is interrupted by an ambush, a patrol scarecrows that must've gotten a tip about them, and Horseshoe pulls out a fucking gun, shoots the two closest ones and takes sandmans arm and has him run. At that sandmans convinced the guys not nice at all, hes just fucking crazy, but he runs away after him anyway because the guy just shot two fucking crows, he knows he'll probably live to see morning of he sticks with him. Turns out Horseshoes a juvie hall, like an actual one, not the brash gangs of kids that run around and say they are, actual juvie halls are untraceable, a solid underground, a real rebellion, well hidden from Better Livings watchful eye, its something you have to be smart enough to find and brave enough to join. And sandmans thrust right into the center of it, just a street dealer that followed a crazy guy with a gun that pulled him into a safehouse in the slums that was down a maze of dark alleys, and theres so much illegal shit inside he kind of wants to call it in just for the hefty reward he could get, but he also kind of wants to drop to his knees and worship it all. Theres books, weapons, color. And a few rough looking people that at their sudden entrance, scan them and one goes. "Dammit, Crab."

Long story short, they're members of the fucking rebellion and theres a short but terrifying debate of whether or not to shoot him, but Horseshoe defends him and it turns out the rebellion likes people that risk their lives to deal rock and roll, because he basically gets an invitation. And well, that was his real dream, the one hes had since he was a little kid, wanting to be those unapologetic rebels in the street messing with bli for shits and giggles. This is obviously more than that, but still. So he accepts, and hes thrust into the center of it all. He has to prove he can be trusted by going on so many missions or passing along packages and illegal goods, but once he's proved hes no rat hes showed the base, how to get into the rebellion underground. Its a scattered maze of random apartments that are safehouses, and then the actual underground shit, the tunnels and whole rooms and shit, the stuff from what Battery City used to be that bli just built over and forgot about.

He and Horseshoe become quick friends and he learns that crabs not just a juvie hall but a zonerunner, that he risks his life sneaking in and out of the city to deliver news and supplies to the killjoys out in the desert and vise versa. Sandman turns out to be quite useful, because hes good with computers and especially, radio equipment, since he grew up with that stuff in his basement and copying all that music and playing some over the frequencies when he could, and he fixes up their old shit and becomes the radio operator of the underground rebellion, the voice of the voiceless. He's basically the cherri cola of battery city, as in hes given the task of feeding news to the juvie halls on the streets and so he's always on the air and monolauging what is just weird poetry or random stories to any untrained ears, but while cherri colas thing is actualy just poetry, sandmans is actually speaking entirely in code that only juvie halls will be able to pick apart, because PAX AM isn't some far off station in the zones like WKIL, no, it broadcasts from inside the walls of battery city and better living could always be listening in. Did I make this his thing entirely to play into the lyric all the walls lean in to listen? Maybe.

Hes actually known as Mr Sandman now, took the codename when he became their radio operator, but the suitehearts aren't a thing yet, no, thats still a long way off. Benzedrine isn't even part of the rebellion yet. He also gets his distinct style, encuraged by the juvie halls who just like killjoys push for everyone to be an individual and fuck the citys mandates, so goth gnc bitch it is. The longer hes in the underground the more disconnected from gender he gets.

There's a raid to the underground, someone must have tipped bli off. A solid blow is dealt to the rebellion in the form of a good number of juvie halls being captured, sandman one of them. Now being some low level dealer can get you dracced, but being a real juvie hall gets you something much worse, re-education, because you have to be smart to be a rebel and have survived this long, and bli can use those smarts, as long as they tear you down to a blank slate first. Thats what re-education is, picking you apart piece by piece, drugging you up and pouring propaganda and altered history down your throat until youre a 'functioning member of society'

He's assumed dead or beyond saving from the mindfuck of re-education by the remaining rebellion, who after this bust has to move base to a different part of the city. But about six months after he was taken and the radio went silent, his voice mysteriously reappears, speaking in code about the old base, where the escaped suitehearts went back to and found abandoned as they expected it to be, but had hopes of scrounging old supplies or this, broadcasting their return.

The juvie halls find them and bring them and the radio equipment to the new base, and Mr Sandman is officially the voice of the voiceless again, now with a crew.

Eventually they get fancy tech or an antennae or something thats just strong enough to get a signal out to the zones, and theres always been a slow feed of news between the killjoys and the juvie halls via zonerunners, and the cnnectiom can still be stratchy, but now on the good days Sandman can talk directly to doctor death defying to get news out to the zones and vice versa.

Horseshoe Crab

The only sand pup of the suitehearts, grew in the zones with his dad, who was in the helium wars, but he was dusted when Crab was about eight and he went right to gravel gerties, where he stayed until he joined a group of the older kids when they left gertie to go on their own, and let him tag along even if he was the youngest of them by far. They were all crash queens and glitter brains and he put up with them for a while, but eventually drifted off on his own, and was sixteen when he forst got hired by Tommy to meet with some runners in zone one when they cane outta the walls and to help them get their supplies back to his shop. These jobs always paid well, with either his share of supplies or a handful of carbons, so he kept doing them and eventually tagged along with the runners to go in-city to the rebels there. He liked it there, oddly enough, liked meeting so many different types of rebels, because killjoys are.. killjoys. Theyre all gearheads and glitterbrains but juvie halls tend to be more serious while still having fun. They understand the risk of what they do. Killjoys are just kids with guns, they have growing up to do or things to lose before theyre level headed enoughfor Crab to feel lile he gets them.

So it becomes his thing, zonerunning, getting supplies out to Tommy's and news into the city and vise versa, he makes friends in the underground and eventually meets sandman, then gets caught with him and meets the others too. He isnt around all the time, still does runs, and takes Benzedrine in and out with him if theres someone in the zones that desperately needs a real doctor.

Donnie the Catcher

Hell of an engineer, even figures out robotics, he grew up working in a garage in the neon district, and as he got older, started helping out androids that needed repairs in secret. Its looked down upon to help androids, simce theyre not human and not seen as human, and thats what their service hubs are for, to request repairs, but he knows theres no real help there, not if they're an older model or anything other than some high ups customized pornodroid. Most droids just end up recycled in the incinerators or rusting in the streets, so he does what he can to help when they start falling apart.

He doesn't agree with bli, with how he treats these people, and when a service droid named Jenny that he's helped a handful of times invites him to the underground, because droids can be juvie halls too, theyve gotta be fukin brave to be, because where human juvie halls will be reducated or dracced, rebelling droids will just be shot for going against their programming. Donnie tells Jenny he has to stay and support his family at the garage, but if he can help out he'd be glad to as long as he can get back to the garage at the end of the day. Thats how he becomes a juvie hall. One day down the line he heads to the base and he was there for maybe a half hour when the raid happened and he was captured with the others. He was newer than sandman and crab and had never really crossed paths with them since he didnt spend a whole lot of time in the underground, so hes meeting them for the first time when theyre brought in for re-education. He was one of the ones that stayed quiet and glared, mostly worried about Jenny, that they were there and maybe caught in the raid, becaue she may be all metal but they totally kissed a couple times.

When they all escape he becomes a full time resident in the underground, knowing he can never go back to the garage a fugitive. But not seeing his family is better than the alternative of having been reducated and torn apart at the seams. Besides, once he's got the suitehearts, they're all inseparable.

That's it, once they're a crew, all their experiences and skills combined, they're a unique group for sure. Sandman and Crab already have their own looks and weird relstionships with gender, but Donnie and Benz have never put much thought into the individuality stuff, Benz a slave to Better Living his whole life and Donnie focused on working and surviving. Eventually they find their weird styles, colors theyre fond of as a fuck you to bli, and then the facepaint, it marks them as a crew and as people ready to fight for their cause. Anyway what if I said Donnie transfem she/he(and yes. rocking the beard) :3

------

As for the second version, its mostly the same, its just like.. the zones version for stories where they know they fab four. They're all younger and they're basically split between the city and the zones. Their backstories are pretty much the same except Benzedrine got out before he was even really a surgeon, hes still a damn good doctor though, and Sandman left to be a killjoy instead of sticking around the underground. Crabs still a zonerunner that gets Benz in and out to help people and when hes in the desert he bunks with sandman in his concession stand turned weird little trailer in the outskirts of zone two. And Donnies zoneborn too instead of Mrs androidfucker in the city, shes Sandman's good friend and mechanic when he gets into racing at the crash track. They're all good friends and still very much a crew, theyre based out of he zones, Benz too, theyre just still a bit spread out at times when someone in the underground needs help.

Ugh man is there anything missing idk well if there is I guess I can add it later. Okay the end 👍

[novelconcepts]

💕 taivan in a game / after an injury

💕 kissing somewhere other than lips

If Van Palmer had a dollar for every injury sustained in goal, she wouldn't need a scholarship to get out of this shithole town. Injuries are part and parcel, she'll tell anyone who asks. Injuries are even fun.

It's true--in the aftermath. After the body has healed, and all she has left is a bruise or a scar, and a story. The fun part is in reliving the narrative, not the pain.

The pain sucks pretty bad, all things considered.

She leans back against the wall, an ice pack held to her eye. Every so often, she has to remind herself to move it; the thing about catching a ball with your face is it tends to black both eyes. And bust up your nose. And fatten your lip.

"You're a fucking mess," Taissa says. "No more than ten minutes on that eye, remember."

"This ain't my first rodeo," Van says, though it's the worst injury she's sustained in quite some time. Getting bonked on the noggin is nothing. Stopping a corner kick with the bulk of her face is...worse.

She moves the pack dutifully to her right eye, resetting her internal clock. Ten minutes, and then her nose can have a turn. It's a great game of pin-the-ice-on-the-goalie, aiming, as always, to dodge frostbite.

"At least we won," says Tai. Van gives her a bleary grin.

"I'd have told people we won either way. It being true just makes this hardcore, instead of humiliating."

"It can be both," Tai says. She, too, is sitting against the wall. The rest of the team has long hit the showers, making loud noises about a post-game trip to Muriel's. Tai has every right to join them. She doesn't have a probable concussion.

"Hardcore," Van repeats. She lowers the ice, gingerly grazing her top lip with one finger. Yup. That'll make talking stupid for a few days. At least she didn't lose any fucking teeth. "Chicks dig hardcore."

"Do they," says Tai flatly, though her smile betrays her amusement. She's always like this when Van pokes her. Doesn't want to admit a goddamn thing, but no one would smile like that if Van were wrong.

"I'm told," she says thickly, "chicks dig goalies in particular. Since we are--"

"Concussed?"

"Awesome." Van dabs at her nose. No longer bleeding. That's nice. "Come on, you have to admit it was cool. Look at me, I'm a walking war hero."

Taissa does look at her. For the first time, she turns her shoulders off the wall and just: looks. Her eyes are inscrutable. She's still smiling, but it's faint, almost distracted.

"What?" Van asks suspiciously. "I know I look like a train hit me, but it was a cool train. I--hey, what are you doing?"

"Shh," Tai says, sounding more confident than she looks. She looks deeply terrified, one hand braced against Van's cheek. Terrified, and like she's made a decision she can't take back, and: hey. Here she comes, right into Van's personal bubble, her lips grazing just beneath Van's left eye.

Van closes on instinct, and receives a second kiss for her trouble, this time on the lid. Taissa shifts her angle, her mouth lingering lightly beneath Van's right eye next. Then the right lid. Then, bewilderingly, the tip of Van's nose.

"Not broken," Tai says softly. Van's eyes are still closed. She's a little afraid to pry them open, afraid the blurred image of Taissa Turner will vanish into hallucinatory smoke.

"Not broken," she breathes. "Just a little busted."

"Worth it?" Tai asks. Her hand falls away. Van's skin tingles where she's been kissed--both eyes, both cheeks, her nose. Her mouth is dry. She's grateful and miserable at the same time, that Tai hasn't kissed her there too.

"Yeah," she says. "Yeah. Super worth it."

Taissa hefts the ice pack and presses it firmly against Van's mouth. "Good. You're still a fucking mess."

Van grins.

[nasturtiumsforbreakfast]

@explorersub

Congratulations on starting T! I’m just starting the research process myself to try and decide whether to go on it or not.

A question, which you don’t have to answer.

How did you get used to talking about kink and sex?- I grew up in a family and had a group of friends that never spoke about sex or relationships and now I struggle to articulate what I’m interested in or put ideas in to words. Some of it I know is because I’m an awkward person and get embarrassed easy, but I figure every one must have started somewhere.

Thank you! Good luck on your journey, wherever it might take you!

Never fear, I'm super fucking awkward in person, I just read too much basically

I certainly couldn't easily say 99% of what's on this blog aloud, but I find it's far a more simple thing to type stuff to strangers, if you see - nobody here knows me irl, nobody has any room to judge in the least, which makes it. Easier to say stuff? And I figure eventually that'll come through to, like, my actual life or whatever. Something like that?

I'm not altogether certain how to advise, honestly, I've effectively just spent my last decade messing about on ao3 and tumblr - the last one or two on this blog specifically, because it was only then I realised it um would be good to have this kind of space, since I haven't it anywhere else - but um figuring stuff out by,,, that route, basically, y'know

Big autism hours at the best of times, I'm not sure I'm always the right person to ask things, really - but thank you, in any case, and as I say I hope everything goes well for you

[cuttoncandyhair]

thoughts on some (canon) HoN couples

Zoey and Stark: I never really understood what their connection was supposed to be. She thought he was hot and he for some reason decided to be eternally loyal to her for... what reason again? So I guess they will be together forever. Should they be? Probably not. They fight an awful lot. I consider them the kind of couple that'll come to resent each other but won't break up. Fun! Aphrodite and Darius: I think they'll last. I just don't like them together. Their relationship is almost too perfect. It's like the authors brain stormed about what kind of relationship they wanted to give to Aphrodite, picked an idea, but never developed it further. They also didn't really give Darius much of a personality. He is a perfect warrior and a perfect lover for Aphrodite. Period. Considering how big of a role Aphrodite has in these books, her man is considerably underdeveloped as a character. They are just not interesting to me. Stevie Rae and Rephaim: Love them. Love them to death. Definitly an otp of my childhood. Will they last? I don't know, and I hate that. A lot of their relationship is based on novelty, I feel. They have very strong feelings for each other, but how will they work 20 or more years down the line? What do they have when the initial passion mellows out a bit? What do they have in common? What will they talk about? I will never forgive the Casts for not developing them further. Their relationship was such a big part of the middle of the story and then they were practically abandoned for the sake of making room for more Zoey-drama. Too bad. I really wanted to see at least glimpses of their relationship getting long-term-development. Damien and Jack: Cute, but once again drastically underdeveloped. Also, what's with all the gay stereotypes? I could write up a whole wall of text about those, but whatever. They got significantly more development in the Other World series. One of the few, and I really mean FEW, good things about it. They got a little more of an edge and personality and I must say, it suits them. I even started to care about them. Shaunee and Erik: In all honesty, what the fuck? That felt so forced! Why are the Casts so afraid of letting their characters be single pringles? I appreciated them trying to redeem Erik, but that sure as hell wasn't it, fam. In the Other World series they didn't seem like they would last either. I think they are gonna break up on amicable terms soon. All in all, I couldn't care less about them. Shaylin and Nicole: Umm... Where did they come from, again? I never saw that coming? They too just felt forced to me. Also, that thing they did in the sequel? What in the everlasting fuck? Was that supposed to be funny? I found it terrifying. Did anyone else find that funny? Maybe I just didn't get it? Frankly, I found it offensive, but I'm not a lesbian so what do I know... Kalona and Nyx: I'm happy for them. I don't get it, but good for them. As in, good for Kalona. He's got the love of his life back. How did Nyx forgive him again, though? Like, she knows of everything he did. Damn, she probably welcomed the people he abused and killed in her realm and had to calm their souls and reincarnated them. I take her for an empath, so she probably felt their pain with them. I can somewhat understand she loves the good side of Kalona, but how she forgave him for all he's done is beyond me. I wish her reacceptance of him would say something about her as an immortal entity and how she preceives the death and pain of mortals, but there is no way in hell the Casts would have thought that far. In the end Kalona definitly changed but his sacrifice doesn't make up for everything he's done by a long shot. What a mess! Travis and Lenobia: Darling! So cute! The only thing that hurts me is that he will die before her again. It must be so hard for Lenobia to think about losing him again. But all in all I think they were fun to read about.

[animentality]

same as the 7 habits hookup question but this time with revs + roman. (one day, when motm has blown up, ppl will scour this blog and come across this ask and say, thank god this bitch asked. to those ppl: you're welcome).

Yeah...I wish Memoirs would ever blow up, lol.

Anyway.

Ten: It'd be nigh impossible to hook up with him unless he knew you very, very well. no one night stands from him! you'd better put a ring on that bitch! but if you had sex, it would absolutely be unhinged. he is so touch starved and desperate for affection. i'd honestly see him being really gentle, though. very scared of hurting someone he cares about. wouldn't even kiss you too hard or touch you anywhere you didn't explicitly and eagerly ask for. i also don't think he's the type to ever lose control during sex either, he knows it's not safe. as a result...bottom energy.

Roman: That little loser... he'd be a little puppy dog chasing after a car. he likes flirting and pushing, but when it comes to sealing the deal, he'll be very, very shy and silly. kind of an attentive partner, though. and unlike ten, he DOES hookups. he's just also the type to fall in love with you after fucking you. also, he's a vanilla baby. the most he'll try is new positions, but...nothing kinky from him. he's not rough, he won't spank your ass, he won't tug on your hair. he's not good at giving head, but he could GET good if you gave him the practice.

One: She's cold and impenetrable and offputting initially, but if you're persistent without being too pushy, she WILL come around initially, and then you're in for a ride, because she's very forward in bed. Very demanding. Very... "takes what she wants." Likes to be on top, physically at least, maybe not necessarily on the penetrative side. She likes leaving marks, so...beware of hooking up with her in the summer.

Two: He's kind of like Rey in that he's down to clown, in any circus. But his default if he doesn't know you that well IS aggressive. Flirtatious to the point of adversarial. Kind of comes on mega strong, always. As you can guess, he's so easy to hookup with. His standards are low and his thirst is high. He's also default rather rough, definitely the slam you around kind of guy, but all in good fun. I also think he tends to go for positions that'll mess up your hips, because again...rough. Needs leverage. :P

Three: Ahaha not an easy hookup at all. Very proper, likes to go on multiple dates first. I for some reason don't see her that sexual, though...I also don't think she'd be interested in penetrative sex, just a lot of rubbing, foreplay, head, maybe some fingering. Kind of just doesn't care for the high cardio of full PV sex. She'd be pretty good at giving head though, just from experience :P

Four: Prickly. Kind of not much of a sex haver, a sex enjoyer, if you will. Hooking up would be kind of hard because he's really not that interested in people...i guess if he was to hook up, it'd be very rushed, impersonal, and he wouldn't really care if you got off...so...hard avoid. no second hook ups ever.

Five: She's down to hookup, but only if she's immediately into you. Like if she's not into you at all...fuck off. But if she's into you, she'll let you know within ten seconds, and then you're in for a wild time. Not an exhibitionist exactly, but she is definitely not terribly shy about PDA. She also might surprise you because she's very grabby, very touchy. Loves dancing up on you. Kind pushy in bed, though, so. Might be a bit of a pillow princess too. You're not getting a word in edgewise with her. kind of doesn't care if you get off either, lol.

Six: He slaps you immediately for daring suggest you might be interested in sexual intercourse out of wedlock with him. He might spray you with holy water and put a cross on your forehead too.

Seven: she's probably the easiest person to have sex with, and I don't mean that in like a...she's slutty way. I mean more...she tries to be friends with people before she has sex with you. She absolutely will not just do random hookups. She only fucks people she finds funny. people she could have dinner with. people she could play smash bros. and she's definitely the type to laugh during sex. work through any awkwardness. just make sure you're both having a good time. she's bad at roleplaying and is very goal-oriented. out of everyone...also most likely to actually check whether or not you're having fun...like every five minutes.

Eight: you know...you shouldn't hook up with this man.

Nine: He's not having sex because it's a lot of work, but he might like a super quick blowjob in a public bathroom somewhere. do not have sex with this man either, he's also too lazy to give head AND to fuck, so....

[moth-yknowtheartist]

> ... oh god, not you. Not right now.

do You want to TALK?

> ......

> ... how are you doing that?

doing What?

> Anything. That corrosion did a lot of damage, you said it yourself, I don't know how you've still been FUNCTIONING for so long. How you're even coherent. I know I didn't do THAT good of a job.

does It matter?

> To me. Yeah.

don't Know what you want me to TELL YOU. im not Looking a GIFT HORSE in the Mouth.

> Why are you here?

i'Ve been STAYING INFORMED. wanted To HELP.

> Why?

impu.lse. does It matter?

> Have you seen Gale?

no. I Found you first. can we GET ON with This?

> ... you can sit down.

> ...

> so?

what Happened, MOTH?

> .... I messed it all up. Everything. Gale- they pressed me on it, I got more- remembered more and- they confirmed the worst.

it Was an Accident, then? not Peep?

> .... It was my fault. Yeah. It all- it all is.

> I did something stupid, and I paid for it and I died, I left everyone behind and it hurt everyone I care about and- and that's not even it. I'm the reason you're around, I made you, and on top of that I was silly enough not to properly secure you- god, I bet whatever made you how you are wasn't even super complex, probably some easy vulnerability I could've patched early if I actually thought.

> You've gotten EVERYONE I care about caught up in this- this fucking web, and it all comes back to me.

> .... I shouldn't even be here. I ruined everything, it's- it's all my fault.

hm. YEAH. it IS.

> ...

what? im NOT going To SUGARCOAT It. you Explained it PRETTY WELL. you Catalyzed this. it is Your fault, on a basic Cause and Effect level.

> Great, so you're just here to make me feel worse or something, then??

no. I'm Helping. ignoring The TRUTH isn't Helpful no matter How much YOU don't like it.

> ... it's weird talking to you.

yeaH?

> You're- it's, for one this isn't supposed to be happening on a basic level I never really expected this, and for two it's like- it's like talking to myself, but also you're so far removed from me I can't even say it feels that way. It's such an uncanny familiarity it's so hard to parse.

imagine How it feels for ME.

> -true.

.... not Everyone you care about, y'know. got Caught in It. some People managed to STAY OUT of it, for the Most part. unfortunatE for ME- but good News for You, probably.

people like GA.LE just happened To be. intensely Unlucky.

> ... Who?

NAT, for ONE.

> Nat's okay?

she Doesn't KNOW. about your DEATH. i received a LETTER.

> I- yeah we- we're pen pals. It's fun. She doesn't- She thinks I'm alive? That everything's okay?

probably. she May have been DISCONCERTED somewhat from when I talked to Her BEFORE. but.

I was going to WRITE her BACK. as You. but I don't Want to be You ANYMORE. it hasn't Served me LATELY, and I've constructed Something NEW anyway.

[A crinkling and fluttering of paper.]

take It. you Respond. do What you WILL.

> I- um- ... thank you. You didn't have to tell me. I would've never known, or at least not for a while.

makes Things EASIER for Me.

> .... what about with Gale? The damage is done there. Shell's been through all the stuff you put shell through, been so terrified, scared of losing shells humanity, close to dying so many times, and- it's all because of me, in the end. Shell blames me, and- god, I can't fix that. I don't even think I can go back, I can't- can't look shell in the eye or-

so You left them?

> -Wh?

you Left them instead? you Decided the BETTER ROUTE was to Leave Gale Alone, in the Forest? you Do know I used that as a Tactic to get them SO UPSET they Shut Me Down, right? you Think that'll make things BETTER?

> ... Gale said he wished he left me in hell. He doesn't want me around.

HAHAHAHA WHAT- he wanted you Around SO BAD he got ATTACHED to a MURDEROUS SCALE REPLICA. which tried To KILL HIM. oh my God and You BELIEVED That???

> ........ oh.

YEAH.

> Ohhhhhh oh my god no you're right. Oh god.

so? you're Gonna keep hiding Out then, or?

> No, nonono, I need to- shit, I need to fix this.

good. then I'VE done MY PART.

> .... you are, like- like thank you, obviously, but your style of HELPING is an enigma to me, you are just- you're confusing. How are you confusing me I made you.

> ...

> I should- I should start trying to retrace my steps. Find Gale. I went pretty far, I think.

good Luck. I won't Be too FAR BEHIND. close enough To LISTEN.

> Ominous, okay, I don't- there's not even a reason to be ominous right- AGAIN, CONFUSING.

> But. Thanks, um. Acher.

[harryfeatgaga]

being a bit inexperienced and one day Harry asks if he can watch you touch yourself 😌 you get red and say "I don't really..." and he's shocked saying "you don't touch yourself?" and you say "no i mean i do, but it just always feels better when you do it" his ego would be through the rooooof 😌 saying "oh yeah? my fingers do a better job than yours do?" and you nod, still too shy to look at him, but he takes your chin between his fingers and says "why don't i show you how to do it right?" and you agree 😌 he has you sit between his legs with your back against his chest, and he trails his fingers up your thighs saying "spread them for me baby, need to show my girl how to take care of herself" 😌 so you do and he lays your hand over his own so you can feel what he's doing 😌 he teases you first as always, touching around and juuust circling around your clit but not actually touching it, knowing that'll drive you crazy 😌soon you're trying to move your hips up to meet his hand, but he whispers in your ear "be patient baby, you have to be ready for me first" and you lean your head back on his shoulder and say "I am, I'm so ready just please do it" and he smiles at how needy you are 😌 finally he gives you what you want and rubs his fingers right over your clit, and your legs are straining but he just tuts at you to keep them open 😌 then finally he sinks his fingers inside, with your hand still resting on the back of his own, and hooks them up to reach your g spot 😌 you're a mess in his lap, trying so hard to be good and hold still for him but he's not making it easy 😌 he keeps whispering filthy words in your ear about how wet you are and how easy it is to get you ready for him 😌 all too soon hes pulling his fingers out, and you whine and grab at his wrist to hold him in place but he just laughs and says "thought you wanted me to teach you? it's your turn now, i showed you what to do" and you know he won't give you what you want until you at least try, so you reach down and try to copy his movements from before 😌 he stops you when you're moving too fast, saying "slow down, baby, you know it feels better when you tease yourself first" and at this point you're so whiny but you can't even be embarrassed bc you're feeling too good 😌 he watches over your shoulder, kissing the sensitive skin there every few seconds 😌 finally he says "why don't you try putting them inside now?" and you do, but your fingers aren't nearly as long as his and they don't reach the same spots, and you have your head tipped back on his shoulder when you say "I can't do it, i need you to help me" and he's feeling just a tad mean so he says "make yourself cum first, then you can have my fingers again" and you're too desperately to argue, so you pull your fingers out and rub your clit instead bc you know that will get you off, but even then you know it feels better when Harry does it so you whine again "please, please it's so much better when you do it, I need you to help me just please" and he can never say no to his girl, especially when you're begging so sweetly, so he reaches down and slips his fingers back inside 😌 he says "I'll leave my fingers here, you just keep playing with your pretty little clit, and we'll see how long it takes you to cum" and he doesn't move his fingers too much, he's making you do a bit more work this time and grind your hips to get the friction you need, but soon you're clenching around his fingers and cumming 😌 he's so obsessed with the way he can feel your whole body tensing up and then relaxing in his arms, and as you're coming down you whisper "thank you, thank you so much" and he kisses your temple, murmuring "some day you'll be able to do it by yourself, but we'll keep working on it" 😌

OH.......MY............FUCKING................GODDDDDDDDFNREDJFJ WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKKKKKDJFNVHJUIFKNHJRKFNHJRIFNHJVK THIS IS SOOOEIKDJFHUIJKV OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HOT IM FUCKIGJN FERAL IDEK WHAT ELSE TO SAYYGEDRFUHRBFG THIS IS A K*NK OKAY I WONT LIEEEEE WHAT THE FUCKFKVJNGUIFNGHFUJV

[modernmonkeymind]

Hello! 👋 I was wondering if you had any insights about how to be more productive? Thank you in advance, MMM. :)

Moving

Consuming

Never stopping.

No wonder

we are

sick.

People who act like machines

inevitably break.

---

Prioritize sleep: Seven to eight hours has been found to be the minimum people need. For sleep to really be restful you need long stretches in REM (Rapid Eye Movement), and that doesn't happen until you've been asleep at least seven hours.

Get physically active: This doesn't have to be working out. In fact unless you're an athlete in training, working out really isn't necessary. Find ways to be active in your day to day. Choose to walk instead of drive/take transportation when possible, trade the Roomba in for a vacuum cleaner (or broom and dustpan if you want to get hardcore). The longest lived, healthiest people on the planet, the elder generation of Okinawa Japan, don't work out, they don't diet, they just stay active and eat until they're eighty percent full. I've been doing the same as best I can and I've lost five pounds since the beginning of the year.

Quality over quantity: Instead of an endless electronic to do list, write it out with pen and paper each morning. Just three to five things that'll have the most impact. Other things will come up, email will need to be addressed, but focus on getting this short list done. Preferably take care of it first thing if you can.

Limit screen time, especially in the evening: Screens fuck us up because they mess with the signals our brain is getting about what time of day it is. Ideally the last bright light you're exposed to should be two hours before bed.

Take up a hobby that doesn't require electronics: Reading paper books, reading/composing poetry, flower arranging, rock climbing, listening to music, meditation, just for a couple examples.

Take some time each day to do nothing: Sit and just be there, walk and just experience walking. We've gotten so used to distracting ourselves its scary. I wouldn't be surprised if there are way more broken people out there than we think and they've just gotten good at hiding the fact they're burnt out from over stimulation. We're not built to take in as much as many of us do with zero downtime to process and make sense of it.

[neet0]

For the writers ask game, please:

23. how do you deal with writers block?

73. how do you visualize scenes? do you see it like a movie in your head, or do the words just flow?

76. what is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain? 

99. was being a writer a dream of yours when you were little? or did it spring up when your older? or is it just a hobby? 

Thanks for the ask :) these are juicy questions, rambling incoming

23. I have a number of tools in my arsenal to deal with writer's block when it happens. For me, writer's block has to do with not finding the right words for what I'm writing. It rarely has to do with a lack of ideas.

Most often, I go on a really long walk listening to the playlists I have for whatever I'm working on. I've solved so many plot holes this way. Sometimes I switch up my writing medium -- it's easier sometimes to figure out what I want to write when I'm writing on my phone vs my laptop. Sometimes I switch projects -- I have a sugar sweet side project to help me balance myself when I'm deep in the angst trenches in my main project. Sometimes I go reread a book with prose I really enjoy to get the words in my head unstuck. Sometimes I talk to one of my betas about what I have so far and some of my ideas on how to proceed, and they help me out.

Overall, though, I don't really wait for inspiration or motivation to write, I just kinda...push stuff out like a tube of toothpaste for my first draft, and then use my little bursts of inspiration for editing and plotting. The rest is very methodical.

73. I see it like a movie in my head. I typically start writing the parts of the scene that are most vivid, then fill in the fuzzier stuff later. Sometimes if I've got the aforementioned writer's block on a scene I can visualize well, I will "block out" the scene by writing down what's supposed to happen step by step in "unpoetic" words, frame it in brackets, and then work on finding nicer ways to say it later.

76. My number one pet peeve is when villains are evil for the sake of evil, or when villains do shit just to be chaotic. It's stupid, lazy, and unrealistic. I completely ignore the Major and Millennium as an org in all of my Hellsing fics for this reason.

IRL, bad people never think what they are doing is bad. No one sees themselves as the villain. They always have reasons as to why what they're doing is good, or at least justified. IMHO, the best villains are the ones where you can totally see where they are coming from, but they've taken a wrong turn and traveled down a dark path.

With every villain I write, I make sure that what they're doing would make sense from their POV, even if it's obviously messed up to everyone else. In Revelations, one of the main antagonists asserts that she does what she does because she loves and wants to protect her family. She justifies every fucked up thing she does to them as ultimately to their benefit, up to and including hurting them. And I do truly believe she thinks she loves them, but she's a deeply messed up, possessive person -- what does 'love' even mean to someone that fucked up? What does it look like? Not anything good, that's for sure.

There's also another villain who's a little flatter but still internally consistent. He's just an arrogant asshole who's been raised to believe he's better than everyone else, but he believes it with his whole chest and has a whole culture surrounding him that supports those beliefs. None of this "I just wanna see the world burn" edgy 14-year-old shit.

99. You know, originally I was gonna say no, but I did once write a 100-page novella in elementary school, and a shitload of cringe poetry that'll never see the light of day. I RP'd a lot in middle and high school. I got too busy for any hobbies in college and immediately thereafter, but it came back to me in due time. So, I guess I always had the urge to write as a hobby, but I don't think I've ever aspired to be a career writer.

To date, I've only sold one original short story to a publisher, under a pen name. Certain characters, scenes, and worldbuilding/plot concepts will be lifted straight from Revelations into my own original work, but I'm still undecided as to whether I'll ever shoot for publication. I want people to read my stories, and I want to talk about it with them, but I'm intimidated by the prospect of my work being out there and taking on a life of its own, beyond what I ever intended. Writing in relative obscurity is kinda freeing in that way -- you get to write like no one's watching, write like no one is gonna take your words and twist them, write like no one will attribute the absolute worst intentions to you and your work. Idk if I could take the heat if my work ever got attention (which is a big if).

[mentallydeadartist]

Look who's back with another rambling post :,)

Well, let's just start with the usual, so I'll be opening up the box that is "Stranger by the shore" and like last time this is like a continuation of me blabbering to my friend 💀 so this is what I started with:

"It's way too fast paced. Also they focused on the wrong stuff. Like if you're already having bad pacing then I don't need a 5 min scene (or more) of them fucking. Like???

And the relationship is 1. Rushed, like they have known each other for like a while (I'd say a month but maybe even a few more months (I'd hope)) and then one of the guys needs to leave and the other is left to ponder for 3 years. Then when he gets back he (obv, he literally got back for him) starts flirting and what not so much that the other guy is just going deep down internalized homophobia and is brushing him off. He starts being distant and telling him "are you sure this is what you want" and man literally pulls out "you sure you don't want a girlfriend rather than having me?". 2. The internalized homophobia guy needs to sort some stuff out. He's way too quick when it's a stupid choice he's making. Like for example his fiance (who he broke off the engagement with even before meeting the other guy) is back to tell him about his dad. And while he fosters no feelings for her, when she asks "give a kiss goodbye, so that I'll be able to forget you" the motherfucker thinks for like two seconds ("oh yeah, that'll make it easier for her, so she'll leave me alone"). And mind you, he didn't even think about his fucking boyfriend. The other guy was literally on the side, he was gonna cheat. Without asking, without even realizing it 💀."

Like I said, it was way too fast paced for me.

And yeah it's a movie so "what were you expecting" idk. I guess I just think they could've done it better if some things were cut and some other scenes were given more time. I like the flashbacks tho, those were quite needed and at the right time too. I also get why they would want to show them flirting (or at least, Mio trying to flirt) to not have them rush too much (which, not only is it kinda playing into the "gay men rush thru every relationship they have" stereotype but also it's giving their story way less meaning) and they still failed, cause It's still too fast.

I have to say that this story would've done better as a longer film, a series would've been complicated to articulate tho. It's a rather weird situation.

I also find that it doesn't make sense for Mio to come back?? Like why would you. The "you helped me figure myself out" is not enough at all??? Why would you go back to someone you don't even know that well? How do you know he waited for you? We don't even know if they talked on the phone as much. Shun seemed shocked to talk to him, so I'd assume not. I'd understand if he (Mio) were to be grateful, as shun spent his time with him when his mom passed and didn't treat him like a good action, just like a normal person. And was still there by his side to help him through it. But not what Mio said to him.

Maybe the dub was also a mistake but it was 2 am and I was not gonna watch more subbed content.

Also the "almost cheating" thing just pisses me off. Like not only did shun just go for it (which, at least ask, like it makes sense why you would but you're not single my guy) but Mio kissed her, which you're not better than him??? Like yeah she's disappointed because it wasn't shun who kissed her, but it's still cheating bc again, Y'ALL HAD NO COMMUNICATION IN ALL OF THIS.

Also it's disgusting how after he completely messes up, shun just comes over and thinks he can make it better with kisses. Like I get if it's a small fight, but y'all both need to fucking talk because this could be getting more toxic if that isn't the case.

And then they fuck and it's anticlimactic as hell.

Like why was that even there????

"ah yeah, if people are watching, we might as well let them fuck" ??? What

Like yeah sure, pent up sexual frustration from both of them and also they're young so it's normal for them to make stupid choices.

But also they're both 20, fucking isn't gonna fix the lack of communication??

Also whose horrible idea was it to let Mio just wander with him?? Excuse me, what is he, a dog?? Mio is literally fixing everything in Shun's life and he's still getting dragged along like that. Let the guy rest istg. Now what's gonna happen? His dad is gonna be even more mad at him for being gay and then he'll sulk to Mio and he'll have to carry to burden of that too. And I get it, maybe Mio (somehow) thinks that Shun helping him is enough for what he's doing, but hm sorry to break it to you, but no way.

So if you're still planning to watch it, then just know it's some fujo bait or smt cause ain't no way it isn't 💀

[look-at-the-water]

Huuh

I feel so empty rn I might just get rid of myself, how come nothing brings me joy anymore, I cant talk to anyone I know without feeling they despise me, so I just don't speak to anyone. I can't do anything all day, what used to make me happy doesn't make me feel anything anymore. I can't do art at all, I try to pick up a pen and do anything but itll be the same boring thing over and over again. I used to at least have cool ideas. I can't think of anything anymore, I still love hlvrai, a lot, but I can't produce anything that'll bring me the same joy out of it anymore. And even if I did I don't have anyone to share it with, so I'll probably just forget about it and leave it behind.

Something must be wrong with me cause everyone just stops talking to me all the time. I don't even know how to improve. Maybe it's because I'm always busy and can't do things with people, I guess that's fair, but I can't really control that with all the school work I get. I always end up exhausted for some reason and can't hang out with anyone.

Maybe I need to start approaching people myself, I always wait for others to do so, maybe if I wasnt such a pussy I could start a good convo and have people to hang out with again. But I'm not sure how that works so I just, feel like I always do it wrong and people think I'm weird, and I know it's not a good mindset but i don't know how to get out of it. I'm sure the people I look up to reaching won't mind it at all, but I feel like I was so left behind with my knowledge on stuff I won't get many things and mess up, I feel like I know too like for being 15, I don't want to annoy people by asking so many questions. And I don't think I'm funny either, I always end up mimicking whatever other people say to be funny, and sometimes they've gotten annoyed, but I can't really control that either. I tried to, and it kept happening anyway.

I wish I was born as a different person, I've always found hiding behind the facade of a different person comforting, maybe that's why I took benreys name and always think of myself more as if I was him than the real person I am (but still aware I'm my own different person, ofc), but recently the whole benrey thing feels as if Its been messed up for me, after the last person I talked to left, he was forzen, i was benrey, we had this whole connection i think, I felt like we were perfect for eachother, we both agreed on that. and now he's gone. I'm scared I will get as attached to a person again and it's gonna fuck me up. For like the 3rd time now. I feel like it's something stupid to be upset about. I don't want to be that's for sure

I really want friends that don't leave. Even if we don't talk all that much, I want friends I'd safely feel they won't leave me. I don't know if it's my fault or I just keep hanging around the wrong people, I don't want to whine about it. It feels pathetic, but here I am, ig. I would seriously end it all if it wasn't for that fact I was so terrified of death. I'm not even good at dying. Really funny tbh.

I hope someday I get up and make tons of cool art and get brave enough to try and be friends with all the people I look forward to meet and I can come up with cool concepts again and show everyone. Someday, I'll fix myself. Right now, i need to do my homework and be good at school, so I don't have time for that, I guess.

Sorry to anyone reading this shit I just. I am so tired.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary167

2/27-28/2024

wednesday - thursday

i'm sisisisitting here, and i have a bank acct. now.

my card is gonna be sent to my parent's place, i've gotta go over there to get it, in about a week i suppose. that'll be interesting but i talked to my mom today. not about the card yet, but i'll talk about it tomorrow i think, when we talk more. she is not mad at me, it seems like.

i got really dressed up for the bank today, look!

people were nice to me basically except in walmart where lots of people stared at me, and then this guy that worked there looked totally totally totally disgustedddd. it was fun. i wish i told him to fuck off. i need to stick up for myself better. i think that'd be like, sticking up for myself, right. or is staring back the only thing i should really do? idk.

i ate too many chips today, also, so i'm feeling yucky rn. blehh.

just found out about a really awesome seeming book:

gonna find out more abt this soon, the publisher too, the bits my friend is sending me from this book of poetry are really really good.

just really really beautiful writing, grounding itself in / exploring/ telling history, in ways it is typically not told. a beautiful project, at minimum. but it does not feel like it's just hitting that minimum, truly good writing. it's also from 2023, which is super exciting i think. good writing is still coming, you just have to look.

another thing today, i got new lyrics and vocals down on a song, i wonder if i care about the lyrics that much, but idk, i think it's good, it's definitely about a lot of stuff i've been thinking about lately, re: music people, dj scene and stuff. frustrations. it felt good to scream, today, cuz of being so fucked up yesterday i guess.

i think maybe i could go in and re-record the middle bit and parts of the end, but i think the way the song opens vocally is good. i might also just be having funny issues w/ the sound of the vox. idk. we will see how i feel tomorrow. but since i did that i did also mess w/ how the song sounds, did the saturation thing to it, and that does sound quite good, imo.

tomorrow i need to do some more songs, just re: producing/mastering, i wanna do at least 2-3, and maybe on the 3rd i do a song that has vocals but i want to replace them entirely, so i can start thinking of new ideas for the song.

i also have a new idea for a drawing, that's fun, a new little pixel art ornament thingy.

listening to a lot of the album now, to see how things are coming along, one song still has overly saturated vocals, and some little pieces that need cutting, should be easy enough, i think i like that vocal take, i should sit on the take still, not go in and do that, and for the most part everything is feeling like, good, i think. coming along well, and stuff i thought was worse off isn't too bad really. that might change tomorrow for me but we'll see. there's gonna be a time where i need to just let this all go, and put this out. that time definitely feels like it's coming. or idk, that makes it sound like i'm just putting less effort in, i don't think that's true, it's just that things really are wrapping up in a way i feel like. like how many more times can i conceivably mess with nuances of guitar tone, everything is getting closer and closer to what i want, what isn't that's just getting cut and put off for later, and i can tell at least one of the songs i cut is going to really benefit from that, since i can rewrite parts and have something last longer, i can have this part i really like be like, a closer for this next ep maybe.

anyway, it's like 1 am and i need to prepare for the next days of work where i'm going in at 11 am soo,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rudytubooty2107]

I love being a nerd

You know what I find funny. It's that there was only one good thing that came out of COVID. And yes, I know COVID was really bad. But there is still one thing that did come out of it, besides people getting divorce. And that would be nerds coming out of their bedrooms. Because you know how they say for people within the ABC Community (LGBTQ+) they're coming out the closet. That's pretty much the equivalent of being a nerd in a sense. Now, I know they're two completely different things, but just work with me on this for a second. Being a nerd when I was still in middle school or high school was definitely a lot bigger of a struggle than you'd think. If you're a nerd, you can't really tell anyone or there will be hell to pay at school for you. All your classmates will give you nothing but grief and bully you and make every day going to school a living hell. And the only way it's not that bad is if you're in a group full of nerds going through the same exact thing as you. Because, as fucked up as it sounds, at least you know you're not alone in this. You got people right next to you going through the same bs. So, all of you can hold each other down in those really messed up moments. Even I had gone through some of these hardships, so I know what it can feel like. I felt like an outcast. It felt like I was just the guy in the background, a shadow on the wall that no one noticed. Now I can't say that every nerd had to go through these things. But there was definitely a good amount of people that had to go through all of this. I know a few of thing, including my older brother. Both of us went through these moments.

But because of COVID that all changed. When everyone was stuck inside not able to go out and enjoy the outside world all they have is whatever they have in their homes. Which, most of the time, is just watching whatever you can on TV or Youtube. I mean, its not like they can really enjoy what they see on social media since most of the things that are on there are from things on the outside. That'll just making them miss the outside world even more than they already do. So that's obviously a no go. After while you start running out of things you enjoy watching on things like Hulu or Netflix, even HBO Max. So what do people do when they run out of things they enjoy doing? They get out of their comfort zone and go into something else. Do things they've never done before. Such as watching anime and playing video games that they never had time for, or video games that they've never played before. And because of their willingness to go outside their comfort zone they started to enjoy these things more and more as time passes by. All the way to anime, video games, mangas, Pop figures, figures, keychains, posters, and even waifu sticker, and many, many more things. And so now they themselves are now nerds. They have now joined the ranks of a nerd. And I must say, I fucking love it. I love the fact that now instead of it being seen as weird to like things like this, its now "cool" to be a nerd. So if there is one good thing that came out of COVID, its the fact that I can be a nerd out in the open with no fear of judgement. Well, I never really care about that stuff in the first place. But I know there are other nerds that do feel that way. I've talked to them, and they're all jumping for joy. Lets give it up for being a nerd. And if you're already not one, you should consider it. I promise you, you won't regret it.