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becomingbts · 2 years

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Time Heals (sometimes) - 19

Summary: 6 years ago, (Y/N) thought that she was finally taking her life into her hands, leaving behind a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who taught her she’d never be worthy of love. However, it became hard to ignore his words when she met her seven soulmates, who rejected her without even giving her a chance to prove herself. It took (Y/N) 3 years to realize that it wouldn’t be her end. She would live on to prove them all wrong; she would become what they all thought she wasn’t: someone worthy of love. And as she stands proudly on the stage, under the burning spotlights, the applause and the cries of the delirious crowd, she feels alive. Alive, just like the bond she had believed to be broken.

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Pairings: Y/N (fem) x OT7

Genre: Soulmate AU!, Idol Y/NAU!, semi social-media AU!, ANGST (mainly), fluff, romance, maybe smut in the series, NSFW.

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Warnings: Mention of death, manipulation, depression, and near-death experience, Namjoon P.O.V might be slightly triggering.

NOTE: HELLO!!! I promised to try a bi-monthly update so here we are again!!! Thank you for being patient with me and always tuning with Time Heals! I hope you all will understand a bit more Namjoon after this chapter, I think I’m starting a crisis for some people here, I hope it won’t be too bad, lol! Please take well care, I hope you’ll enjoy this new chapter! Lots of love, feedback is always warmly welcomed!! It’s honestly what motivates me the most!! Love yoy and enjoy!!

Part 18 - here - Part 19.5

To say that Namjoon had been anxious when he first read (Y/N)’s message would be a euphemism. He had been scared shitless, proofread his own message at least five times before sending them while closing his eyes each time he pressed the “send” button. He hoped his answer didn’t sound nearly as panicked as he felt but maybe he tried too much to sound normal. As he read once more his messages, he sounded almost aloof and he hated it. The simple fact that he received a message from her, his... No- he should refrain from calling her his soulmate when she clearly said that she didn't have any soulmate any longer. It was only fair to respect her "choice" if he could call it that way. They didn't really give her a choice, to begin with, so he shouldn’t disregard her words and should refrain from crossing any boundary.

Namjoon wished he could explain his desperation in his messages. Explain how at loss he had been and despite him realizing that he could have done everything differently, he hadn’t found a different solution to their problem and had truly wanted to avoid hurting her. It sounded stupid, even to himself. Being unnecessarily harsh had only broken her further than he had wanted. Namjoon had merely wanted for their bond to emotionally break so that they would have less chance to accidentally bond. If it had happened, she wouldn’t have been alive as of now. However, could he truly not have done it differently? He wished that he could say no, but Namjoon knew that he could have tried something else. Would it have worked? He couldn’t know for sure, and maybe that had been what had prompted him to choose the most violent option. That way, he had been sure that no accidental bonding would happen, but now he could only laugh at how naive he had been because despite what he thought, an accidental bond did happen. Not with him per se, but between Jungkook and (Y/N). Namjoon was confused and terrified about that sudden bond. What if they weren’t healthy enough and that this unintended bond hurt her? Namjoon could only pray that it would not happen because he wouldn’t have any answer as to how to save their soulmate.

Regardless, despite how obvious it was that Namjoon had probably done the worst mistake of his life when he concluded that they needed to reject their last soulmate, it hadn’t been before. He couldn’t have known: information was so little about groups of soulmates that Namjoon had taken it over himself to find information and find a solution. His logic had been perfect, calculating every odd and making sure everything would be perfect and work out, but after years of thinking and guilt eating him alive, Namjoon desperately wished he did differently. As he read her replies to his messages, it was obvious that she also thought the same way. And she was right; he could have explained, he should have told her instead of breaking her past the point of no return, but what if it had gone wrong? What if they had bonded accidentally despite the physical distance and that their bond had started attacking her? How could he have forgiven himself if he didn't try to push her away and keep her safe from them? Realistically, he knew that he had not kept her as safe as he had wished. He had only pushed her to another outcome, hoping and praying for her to stay alive. Maybe that had been the solution of a coward who had refused to see the impact of his words, yet according to his calculation, she truly had a better chance of survival that way. That had been his logic and while Taehyung had been crying, begging him not to do it, to find another solution because, in his eyes, they couldn’t lose another soulmate because of Yongsun, Namjoon hadn't found any other way to protect her and he hated himself for it.

He wished he had found something else, he truly did. Oh, he could rant for hours about how he dreamt of a universe, a very, very, oh so lovely one, in which he told his soulmate everything, from the beginning to the end, explaining how he truly wanted only the best for her and knew that they couldn't be that best momentarily and that they might never be. He used to be stuck on how cruel that felt when he realized what it meant to him and his other soulmates. They might never be suited to welcome their last soulmate without killing her, and the realization crushed Namjoon to the ground.

Yongsun didn't just take a part of their youth with her, she took their hopes and dreams away, brushing every single wish they used to entertain to finally be complete. She left them yearning and empty, darkness surrounding their lives while they wondered if they’d ever see the sun again. They had waited so long for their last soulmate to finally show up, to get to meet her and start getting to know her, only for that person to play them, ruin them and leave nothing but crumbled hearts and dried tears behind. If Taehyung believed that he was the one at fault in the story, Namjoon would beg to differ. If someone failed to protect his soulmates, it was him, not Taehyung.

Yongsun had been desperate; that was what Seokjin said, but Namjoon had never been able to care about her reasons. He could only laugh at that. Oh, if he wasn’t desperate himself to find back a piece of himself, of the young man that used to dream about his soulmates and not the guilt-ridden bitter man that he was used to meeting every morning in the mirror. Namjoon used to think of soulmates as a source of comfort and warmth. It was now only a source of stress and disappointment. A disappointment that Namjoon hated to be. If he had to pick one person to be the worst soulmate ever, he would choose himself in a heartbeat. Seokjin had tried to talk to him, to soften the edges of his turmoil, of the terrible anger that was consuming his whole being, alas to no avail. Namjoon's anger never burned out, only fueling him to search for more answers about their bond and to write more about his discoveries. His hands giving up on him had only been a dull reminder of the never-ending anger that was wide awake inside him. How could he ever explain why he was so angry at the world, at Yongsun, at everyone for allowing such a thing to happen to them, to him, to his soulmates? Why did no one rescue them? Why did no one help them? How could money get Yongsun safe after everything she did to them? He laughed again; the world had never been fair, yet Namjoon had never believed that their system would abandon them so cruelly. Even now that they were financially well off, their mind did not let them try to sue her, tired of being constantly in a fight with the person that destroyed their lives. None of them wanted to deal with her any longer. The simple thought of seeing her again sent chills to their spines, and starting the paperwork seemed insurmountable; it annoyed Namjoon. It only fueled his anger again, adding charcoal to his already hardly controllable fire.

Namjoon was angry and everyone thought that his anger would slowly vanish, yet it only grew. That was maybe because he slowly realized how far Yongsun had gone to make sure everything would unfold the way she had expected it to. He saw the marks on Taehyung's skin, he saw the fear in Seokjin's orbs, and he saw death in Yoongi's ones. Namjoon heard Hoseok's broken cries, Jimin's silent gulps as he left quietly, avoiding fights and leaving everyone behind as much as he could, and Namjoon heard Jungkook's soul breaking each time a fight arose in their apartment. It was often silent, none of them wanting to admit how bad it was even once Yongsun was gone but they all knew that things would never go back to how they used to be. Namjoon rarely saw his soulmates smile as carefree as they once did and maybe, just maybe, that was also one of the reasons for his never-ending anger.

Yet, maybe what truly broke him was to see the despair in his eighth soulmate's eyes when he told her the words that he would forever regret. "Your name means nothing to us." If only that had been the truth, he wouldn’t be waiting for her to reply by now, eyes boring into his screen. Namjoon wished that it had been the truth. Her name meant so much, from hope to despair. Her name meant the world, and it meant dread. It held so much over them that it frightened him. His logic behind their rejection had been flawless, however, his fear of letting someone else hold so much power over them again was totally irrational. He had been terrorized to see the same scenario unfold because after all if someone was capable of doing what Yongsun did to them, how could they be sure that it wouldn’t happen ever again? Namjoon had been terrified at the simple thought, perhaps that had flawed his convictions as much as he claimed that it wasn’t the case. Because once he set that fear aside, the only thing that was left was his anger and his guilt.

How could he ever face her after all the damage he did, even if his intentions had been noble and his heart had simply been in the wrong place? He never thought he’d ever be able to face her again after everything he said, settling for knowing she was alive and living a life of fame and love. If Namjoon couldn’t give her all the love he had for her, he hoped that her fans would make the difference, somehow. (It was foolish of him to think, but he couldn’t help it, he only wanted the best for her). He tried to interact with her as her fan, but it felt wrong as if he was using anonymity to be close to her again, so he stopped as soon as he started. He couldn’t be that person to her, he had doomed himself already. Namjoon believed that he would never see her again, that he would only hear of her from now on that she was a celebrity. Oh, how naive he was.

He did meet her again and he hadn't known if he should be excited or terrified. Namjoon faced her in that hospital bed; he watched as her already pale face lost any trace of color after her eyes rested on his frame. He had not known what she had been thinking once she had realized who he was, but Namjoon had been pretty sure that he must have looked closer to a monster than a soulmate in her eyes. And could he blame her? Not at all. He just wished it was different. Maybe in another life, he'd get to make amends, to cherish her as much as he could, hold her tight against his chest and protect her from the rest of the world. Maybe in another timeline, he'd get to call her at 4 am just because he couldn't sleep and needed to hear her voice, even if she was in the room next to his. Maybe he'd buy a cute shirt for her, just because he thought of her as he saw it. Perhaps he'd pick her up from work, ask her how her day went, and give her a cup of coffee that he ordered from her favorite coffee shop just because he had shown up 10 minutes early.

Namjoon's anger might never die out because he knew that this would never be his reality and, to be honest, he knew that he did that to himself. Or did he really? Wasn't it mainly Yongsun's fault? If only Namjoon could put the blame on someone else than him, maybe he’d feel a little bit more alive. But how could he blame it on her when he hurt their last soulmate just as much? Namjoon hoped that he would never be seen like Yongsun, like someone who destroyed someone else’s life, but maybe in (Y/N)’s eyes, that was all he was. After all, he had been the one to deeply hurt his soulmate with his words, hoping that they would lose the connection and that she would survive the break of the bond.

Namjoon's mind was at war. He couldn't decipher who he hated the most between himself and Yongsun. Maybe Yongsun had been a warning before he even did the biggest mistake that he deserves to be punished for. It should have opened his eyes. That despite everything, soulmates changed people for the worst, which could lead them to do mistakes and ruin other people’s lives. Sometimes Namjoon felt like everything was his fault, that he should have protected his soulmates—all his soulmates—better. He thought of finding her and apologizing, even if it wouldn't change anything. He thought of sending flowers to her place, sending her homemade meals to make sure she would rest and eat healthily. He wished he could have been there for her recovery, to help her navigate through life but he chose another direction and he could only blame himself. Namjoon dreamt of being the first person his soulmates would be thinking of when they thought of safety. How ironic it was that his soulmates didn’t even trust him enough for them to confide in him. Namjoon can recall a time when he used to try and get ready to welcome his soulmates in his life before he met any of them. He would die before telling anyone about it, but he took cooking lessons when he was younger, just so that he would be able to be a good cook for his soulmates. He also tried a bunch of other things, from pottery to wood carving, Namjoon wanted to be a steady man, trustworthy, and who would be able to love his soulmate to his fullest.

And instead, they got a coward. A coward who wasn't able to protect anyone. On the opposite actually, Namjoon was clumsy, blunt, and brutally incapable of protecting any of the souls that he was supposed to cherish and he hated himself for that. He wished he could have done much more for (Y/N) but he had known that he couldn't. How could he do better if he hadn't been able to protect his 6 other mates the first time something terrible happened to them? How could he protect someone he would hurt because of his own bond? He was broken. Yongsun broke the healthy link they used to have, the one that made him believe that as long as they were together, nothing could happen to them. Namjoon now knew better than to believe in those words.

"Your name means nothing to us." Instead, Namjoon wished he had told her: "my name should mean nothing to you, please run away while you still can, I don't want to disappoint or hurt you and I know that I will." He had wished that his face didn't hold so many bad memories and so much hurt for her to physically gag as she recognized him. He saw it; the moment her eyes found him, she instantly recognized him and probably replayed the only moment they “shared” before their reunion. He saw it, the hurt, the distress, and the hatred. He wished it had been different, and here he was, desperately waiting for an answer from her, wishing that he could see her in real life just one more time. Wishing that he could tell her how his heart had been aching to find her, to let her in that day, and that he regretted every single word he uttered. Namjoon wished he could tell her that he threw up a few hours after everything because he felt sick with himself, unable to look at himself in the mirror without seeing the ghost of who he wished he could have been for his soulmates. Namjoon wished he could tell her that his heart never broke so hardly as after their bond broke, that he had been left with a lump in his throat, dried lips, and tears staining his cheeks. That despite the hurtful words that he spat at her, he never wished anything but happiness for her, even if it had to be without them.

Seeing her happy on a stage was everything he could have hoped for her. Her smile was always small but genuine. Namjoon lost a lot of himself when he rejected their last soulmate, taking the main burn of the rejection, as he had been the one to be so vehement about it. Taking Jungkook's and Jimin's anger, brushing Taehyung's and Seokjin's tears away, ignoring the pang in his heart each time Yoongi and Hoseok refused to talk to him, being the most awful person in (Y/N)'s eyes. He'd take it all, as long as it would mean that he could try to protect them all. He did it terribly, he could only agree with this. But Namjoon's goal had never changed. He just wanted to protect them all. He'd take all the blames, all the harsh words if they needed him to. He just wanted them happy. And if (Y/N) needed to hate someone in particular in their group, then so be it. He’d be this person, the one to say the harshest words to make sure that their bond would remain broken. He couldn’t let her close, she would die in their arms, and Namjoon would never allow that. Maybe it was only hypocritical because, in anyone else’s eyes, he left her to die alone. Everyone heard the terrible words he told her, the way he pushed her away and blocked her from entering their home. But no one saw that he never left the chair in front of the window in his room, fully dressed with a bottle of water in his bag, ready to get out as soon as everyone would be away to find (Y/N) and bring her to the nearest hospital. No one—not even Taehyung—saw his research about the effect of performing a medical bond on a soulmate, or performing a medical bond after having already survived one. No one had known that Namjoon had decided that if the break of the bond happened to be too much for her—and it was likely to be—he would be ready to put his life on the line to medically bond with her to make sure that she would survive. Because if he learned one thing from his research, it was that performing a medical bond twice was likely to turn out badly, not for the receiver, but for the giver. Yet Namjoon couldn’t care any less. He wouldn’t let one of his soulmates die, he promised himself he would save them all and he did. Even when he saw, right after what happened, Hoseok and Yoongi running out of the house under the rain, he sprung into action, not wanting anything to happen to either of them, especially after everything that Yoongi went through. It had been enough. Yoongi went back home alone that day, but no one, except the three of them, knew about that. And Namjoon would keep it this way as long as needed because it hadn’t been enough and it would never be enough to explain why he acted the way he did, even if he tried his best to protect everyone at once. Hoseok and Yoongi had made it clear that day; that what he was doing would never undo what he told and did to her and he agreed with them. He shouldn’t have put everyone in danger that way, and shouldn’t have talked to (Y/N) that way, but his younger self had not found any other solution. Maybe he should have worked harder to find a different way to solve the problem but he didn’t. But now that he knew that everyone—including (Y/N)—was expecting answers, maybe this part of the story would need to be told. (One day, he kept on telling himself, one day he’d be ready even if he tried to escape this moment as long as he could.)

Namjoon put deadlines for himself to become the man that their soulmates could be proud of and he felt like he already missed them all. He truly didn't believe that he could be that person anymore. His mother used to tell him that she was so proud of him, that he had a gorgeous heart but he found himself thinking that his heart was most likely buried under ashes, just like his dream life went up in smoke. It had been hard, but Namjoon had come to accept it; to accept that he'd never find his happy ending with his seven soulmates and that he needed to be someone he wouldn't want to be for the sake of everyone. He decided to do damage control as much as he could. He had needed to be the bad guy, the one who had to destroy their future with (Y/N) to make sure that their bond wouldn't act up even with the distance. Namjoon would take the worst role to play if it meant that the others could feel a bit lighter about the one they had to embody. His life had nothing of a play, but if he needed to become a bad character for the sake of his soulmates, he would. Namjoon would do anything to soothe everyone's pain and brush their guilt away. There was so much he wished he could do better, so many emotions he felt swiveling through the bond that he wished to soothe. Yet, Namjoon felt like the more he tried, the worst the outcome was. Trust with his soulmates was almost broken, always walking on a thin line with them.

Oh, how he wished that he could change that, that he could repair the broken trust between him and his soulmates and do something to bridge the cliff's gap that he once willingly widened as much as he could. And as much as Seokjin keep on telling him that it was never too late and that they could choose to become new people, he couldn't let himself believe that it could work. Not only because he was stubborn, but because Namjoon was afraid that he wouldn't be enough to repair the damages he caused. Powerless and useless was how he felt. How could he ever be enough for the soulmates he kept on hurting and that he let down more than once? How could he ever reduce the pain that he inflicted on their last soulmate, even if he tried his best to protect her? Namjoon did not have an answer to those questions and it terrified him. He might never be enough, why should he force himself into (Y/N)'s life when she obviously didn't want him to? Yoongi once told him that he had to fight for what he loved, but he kept on failing each time he tried.

However, Namjoon did not let himself linger on the thought; he kept on telling himself that he only did that to himself. He could have done it differently, he reminded himself plenty of times. And yet, he didn't. He ruined everything and the guilt was eating him alive. Nothing he did could ever alleviate the pain and despite Namjoon knowing that he had no right to think that way, sometimes, he wished that he died during Yongsun's episode instead of watching his worst nightmare become his new reality.

Jungkook came back to (Y/N)'s home with a sense of relief and exhaustion until he opened the front door and heard the distinct sound of glass (or tableware) breaking, instantly putting him on the edge. It threw him right back to that time with Yongsun when one of them said something she didn't like, she would throw a glass or a plate at them without caring about what they would need to buy again. It was always like that. She never cared about anything, only about her comfort and the way they made her feel. It was never the other way around. However, Jungkook tried to breathe as deeply as he could. He wasn't there anymore, and he would never be. The (Y/N) he met for real was not like that, was she?

Breath uneven and heart pounding in his chest, Jungkook entered as silently as possible the apartment, removing his shoes as quickly as he could with his trembling fingers. He berated himself; he needed to stop associating (Y/N) with Yongsun, but his head wasn't listening to him. He kept on hearing Yongsun’s high-pitched voice yelling at him despite his attempt of brushing it away. He physically knew that he wasn’t there anymore, but his brain couldn’t let him in peace. He needed to sleep or to see the real (Y/N) so that his brain would let go of Yongsun's image.

Staggering, he entered the kitchen with teary eyes, his breath even shorter than before, until his eyes found the blurry figure of his soulmate. She wasn't screaming, she wasn't throwing plates in anyone's face, no, she wasn't doing any of these things. Instead, she was simply standing in the middle of her kitchen, motionless, with pieces of glass in her hands. Jungkook let out a breath that he hadn't even noticed he had been holding until he noticed that (Y/N) was definitely not moving, it wasn’t just his eyes being annoying because he was on the verge of crying. Her eyes seemed to have caught something because her whole body was still. Carefully whipping his eyes, he tried to gauge (Y/N)'s expression until he noticed blood in her hands. Approaching cautiously, he wondered if she even heard him enter, with how out of it she seemed to be. He didn’t want to scare her if it was the case.

"(Y/N)?" His voice came out more shakily than he was hoping for it to be. "I'm… I'm back, what are you doing?" She finally looked up and Jungkook's heart stopped as he noticed a tear rolling on her cheek. What the hell had happened while he had been gone?

"I don't know, Jungkook… I don't know." Jungkook watched her throwing the pieces of glass away, washing carelessly her hands while not even looking at them.

"Are you okay?" His heart was still pounding but he tried not to let it overwhelm him. Her eyes caught his watchful gaze and she didn't need words to reply. Something had obviously happened, but Jungkook couldn't get what exactly.

"Did you know?" She simply asked, leaving him at a loss for words.

"Know what?"

"Why Namjoon was so hell-bent on rejecting me." Jungkook's eyes widened, so he told her? Did they talk? What did he say? Did he hurt her? Was that why she looked so broken right now?

"He told you? What did he say?"

"So you don't know."

"He never told us." She almost snorted but she seemed too tired to do so.

"You trusted him even if you didn't know?" His silence was enough for her to understand that she was right, "it doesn't matter, now. Maybe you should read this, though." Her eyes fell on a few documents on the table. They were scattered on the surface and Jungkook could spot some highlighted lines. It seemed like she had already gone through it and he wondered what it all meant.

"Namjoon's and Taehyung's names appear in the writers. So maybe you'd like to know that they know about all that mess." And so she left him with his shaking body and ragged breath while a headache started to make itself known. His panic attack might have been slightly avoided, but the turmoil in his heart didn't seem to be stopping any time soon as his eyes rested on the crumpled paper.

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Uploaded : 21/08/2022

Taglist: @sweetmoonlight9, @mickmoon, @dreamer95, @loveyoongles, @spicetouched, @jikooksgirl19, @summerevelyn, @springjade, @clevercoley, @prooteus, @sehun096rainbow, @ainsle-e, @ifyouareme, @sunshinee0-0, @fangirl125reader, @sea-nevermind-enthusiast, @ot-atlas, @thequeen-kat, @skyys-universe, @sichajeon , @yukiehyukie, @amxranthinesworld , @potate-oh, @mawwnsterr, @ celaenaelentiyavox, @dvoz-writes, @honeybaby-94, @ignixte, @ paradiseanouk, @missseoulite, @naajix, @maloriekane, @bunzom, @nyamnomnamujoon , @incorrect-assumptions, @hopetookmysoul, @010op10, @seaoffangirling, @purplelady85, @daddyjoonie, @ramaali1, @powiepow, @chimchoom, @miriamguerra99 , @midnight1199, @wannabestark, @fangirl125reader, @hannahdinse8, @powiepow , @ilovjaehyun, @wt-fxck, @louisavuittonswrld, @lochness-butmakeitsexy, @squishymochiuwu, @yukiehyukie, @daydreambrliever, @fangirl125reader, @deathkat657 , @reallysparklychaos, @irony-of-living, @scentedsope, @kim-jias-den, @honeyspillings , @tinyoonsblog, @kawaiikpoplover268 , @leahknox, @aliceoracleollormusic,

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