#barring any health issues ofc but.

[housecow]

i still plan on grad school but. for my gap year, this is essentially exactly what i’ll be doing 🥰 i gained 70lbs from may 2023-may 2024, what are the chances i can gain more than that now?

[agendabymooner]

cinema ! max v. x ofc (hearth sister!ofc) — mdni

“it’s you. don’t know why but it feels so right for me.”

summary: a breakup can lead to a loss of a part of one’s identity, and sylvie and max were alright with that. (1)(2)(3)(4)

content warning: use of explicit language, mention of mental health issues and lack of sleeping, light smut/suggestive content (i can’t write for shit), mentions of loss of virginity, mention of past!ofc x the weeknd (toxic breakup, cheating storyline), chatfic + fic, mature content under the cut MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

note: yo girl is going to the 2024 canadian gp 😩 there will also be a charles leclerc piece otw but i just need to put out my cracked out thoughts into it. also, i can’t write smut so there will not be any extremely graphic details in this chapter. this doesn't mean that i am encouraging people to read it at their own risk so MINORS DNI :)

masterlist

september 2016

Everyone in the Red Bull area knew the reason why Sylvie was often found crying in Daniel Ricciardo’s drivers room during her breaks. Well, everyone but Sylvie. She lived to blame herself for the downfall of what she thought was a great relationship.

They were reaching the sixth month and if it hadn’t been for Abel’s cheating, then maybe— MAYBE Sylvie would continue to pursue what she had with him.

Everyone thought Abel was a fool. Sylvie hadn’t done anything but be a good person, a loyal girlfriend. Why did he let another woman warm the bed that they shared?

Because she spent more time with Max than she had with him. That’s what he said. When she found him in his flat and asked what the hell was going on, Abel yelled at her for not going home. He screamed that she was doing it first with her “fucking best friend.” He didn’t even know the rough past between the two; he only knew Max’s name and had seen their childhood photos. So much for someone who had been dating her for five months.

Instead of fighting back, she cried. Her feet stood there as her sobs became a plea to let her inside once he kicked her out. She looked so pathetic.

It didn’t stop her from working, though, and Christian Horner couldn’t be more wrong when he previously said that she wasn’t emotionally prepared for work.

Her work kept her mind occupied throughout the Hungary race. From sending emails back and forth with her model agency to attending sponsor dinners, her mind never stopped running until she was able to get some sleep.

Because truthfully, she really wasn’t able to sleep. She only relied on chamomile tea then pretended that she was refreshed from the night before.

Her family had tried to get some word out of her about the break up, but she refused to say anymore. Toto did say that Abel had a bad aura within him, yet Sylvie knew that her in-law wasn’t about to tell her that “I told you so.” Stevie definitely called Abel out on his bullshit one night when she came across him at a bar in LA. Tilly merely comforted her without a word. Other than that, Sylvie never said anything about it— her eyes were focused on the racing team and the drivers.

The night before the race, she found Max standing in front of her hotel room. Her bloodshot eyes were evidence of her sadness and exhaustion, but it wasn’t as if she could easily close the door on him to hide it away. He was persistent and would most likely bring Lando here if it means that he would be able to get in.

The Dutchman stood there with a tray of macarons and another tray with cups of tea. “Chamomile,” it said on both tea bags. His accent was laced with concern as he spoke, “I know you haven’t had the greatest weekend yet. I had to beg my PR manager to find me a pastry shop for these.”

And so they sat on the love seat quietly, Easy A playing on the television while they both munched on the last two strawberry macaroons and sipped on their tea.

“He blamed me, you know?” Sylvie chuckled bitterly, her eyes still trained on Emma Stone’s makeover scene as the character continued ripping fabrics off in rage. I should do that, she told herself. She could see in her peripheral vision that Max looked at her, leaving her to say, “Said I spent too much time with you. That I slept with you first.”

“Blue—“ Max tried to speak, but she continued regardless.

“Which is kind of rich of him,” Sylvie shook her head, reaching out on the tray to eat the matcha flavoured macaron next. She bit on it and said, “Considering that I never had slept with anyone I spend my time with. Let alone sleep with anyone.”

“I don’t recall sleeping with anyone, too,” Max made things lighter as he joked, “I would have remembered otherwise.”

“Man,” Sylvie sighed and slumped against the loveseat, “had I known that men would be like that, then I would’ve ditched him immediately.”

Sylvie knew that whatever she did with Max the moment he came inside the hotel room made her realize her worth. What was it about her childhood friend that made her think the other way?

Everyone did say they were connected one way or another. She didn’t know how and he didn’t know either; but everyone insisted they were soulmates. One soul in two different bodies. She knew him as much as he knew her. She always had similar thoughts and feelings shared with him, and not once did he ever go against that idea. He pushed her, in fact.

“Not men,” Max laughed quietly, “boys. Men learn. Boys are still in the process of doing so.”

“Didn’t you just hit puberty two months ago?” She joked.

“Didn’t you?” He bit back with a smile.

She laughed along, shaking her head once more. They fell silent as Sylvie stared at his eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen it up close. But god, they sure looked prettier than they did before Abel had broken up with her.

“Would it be,” she stammered, leaving the man next to him scowling as he goaded her into speaking. She cleared her throat and sighed. “Would it be okay to ask… if I can… ah, shit. Never mind. It sounds bollocks if I continue on.”

“We don’t hide things anymore, Mustang,” he teased her, “remember? We agreed on it.”

“So if I were to ask if you want to… do… it…”

Now he was rendered silent. She wanted the world to swallow her the moment she found him staring at her. He was frozen, and she felt her body burning in embarrassment as she wished to leave the place. This was her bloody room, she couldn’t get out of here.

“I- I-“ he stuttered, his cheeks heating up as he asked, “You want to do it?”

“I’ve always wondered what it's like,” she murmured quietly. “I tried imagining doing it with him but… he never seemed to have that kind of intention to… I don’t know… pay attention to my wants.”

“Pretty foolish of that dickhead,” Max scoffed. “If he only wants to use you, then it’s a great thing that you knew better than that.”

“But seriously—“ he continued, “Sylvie, look at me in the eyes and tell me you want me to do it with you.”

“I do,” she admitted meekly, staring at him while she said so before she turned away. “I don’t think I can do it with someone else. If they’re the same as him then I don’t know… and you’re not him or anyone. So…”

“Okay,” he nodded understandingly. He backed away for a second before catching his breath and murmured, “Okay… I’ll make sure you and I aren’t hurt. And- and, I’ll make sure you have the best time.”

And the best time, it was. It was the first time Sylvie slept in a few days. It was also the first time she shared an intimate moment with someone. Someone being Max Emilian Verstappen.

Anyone experienced with two eyes would point out that everything that happened was done rather clumsily. It probably didn’t help that Max had to trip and knock on Dan’s door to ask for a condom, but it was better to be embarrassed than sorry, he supposed.

Sylvie could remember herself wiping the smudged mascara off her face and removing her top to put on the black corset top that she had on her suitcase, keeping her black wide legged sweatpants on while he went out to “say hi to Dan for a minute.” She didn’t need to put on a makeup. It wasn’t really that special, was it? No. It certainly was, she just didn’t want to spook Max especially when his eyes widened just as he walked in on her putting on a lip balm with nothing but her bra and sweatpants on.

He couldn’t deny anything that night, especially to himself. The moment his tongue swiped over her lips, he nearly groaned in satisfaction at the minty flavour of her chapstick. A hint of strawberry came with it, finding himself caging her against the marble sink as she desperately held him… by the arms and his mouth.

Both of them were clueless, not knowing how to maneuver around one another the moment Max settled her down to her (upgraded) king-sized bed. For a moment, he wondered how she had managed to get herself a large room — knowing that the hotel room booked for him and Danny were smaller than hers — but her wandering hands sent his thoughts away when her palm landed on his sweatpants, eliciting a sigh from him.

Too many questions of, “Is this okay” and “are you alright” were exchanged— both of them unsure if either of them were comfortable or smart enough to be doing this. But one thing that they knew for sure was they wouldn’t be able to forget that night. It wasn’t the just pleasure that made it too memorable— but rather their experience with one another that made it too… good to forget. Sylvie and Max could care less about reaching the highs and lows when all they could think about was that they’ve done it with one another.

She could remember waking up to him kissing her forehead as he spoke in Dutch, telling her that they would talk sometime during the day before he left the room. She pretended to be asleep, but the whisper of his voice made her heart beat faster as if he hadn’t just called her love.

For someone who “hated” Max, Sylvie trusted him for taking a part of her and allowed him to ruin other men for her. She was sure that Max was her standard now. She couldn’t imagine doing the most intimate things with someone who didn’t have the same values and personality as him.

God, Max ruined her. But it wasn’t as if Sylvie was complaining about it. She embraced that idea, in fact.

[neverlandnightingale]

Hi there! hope your day is going well :) I was curious about a comment you left on this poll about preferred autism terminology/labels

you mention that getting an autism diagnoses would mean never being able to move to new zealand. I was just wondering if you meant personal, or legal limitations and b) if it's a legality issue, would you be comfortable naming the country in which you live (and ofc absolutely no worries if not!)

So unfortunately, there are countries that don't allow autistic immigrants to emirate there; namely: New Zealand, Australia, Singapore, and potentially the United Kingdom. New Zealand, in particular is known to explicitly discriminate against autistic folks in their immigration law: "An applicant for permanent residency will fail if they... Have condition(s) that fall within the extensive range of conditions listed at A4.10.1 – including conditions ranging from uncontrolled epilepsy to autistic spectrum disorders, from paraplegia to any psychiatric illness that has required hospitalisation."

(Canada used to be on this list until 2018, when they updated their immigration policy.)

These countries often include a strict medical examination as part of their immigration policy and argue that accepting immigrants with autism might burden their country's health system and special education services. And if it's discovered that you're autistic after you move there, they can deport you.

I live in the U.S., and our last president's administration tried to ban all immigrants with disabilities for these same reasons.

Sometimes these countries will allow immigration if an autistic person has low enough support needs that it's under a certain monetary value. For New Zealand, anyone with expected medical costs over $41,000 over 5 years are barred from immigrating.

But we do know these countries have barred autistic people from immigrating before. Here's an example from New Zealand.

But let this be a warning to anyone who is suspecting they may be on the spectrum: even if you're not planning to immigrate ever in your life, an autism diagnosis can often open you up to discrimination. This Twitter thread details some examples: including having your children taken away from you, being denied access to trans-affirming healthcare, and even being denied life insurance.

If your support needs are low enough that you're able to get by without an official diagnosis, I would seriously consider not pursuing a diagnosis for your own safety and well-being. Be careful out there.

[foundtherightwords]

The Quiet Chaos - Chapter 2

Pairing: Billy Knight (Lethal White/Strike) x OFC

Summary: After a bad breakup throws her carefully-planned life into disarray, Esme has sworn off dating forever. However, when she forms an unexpected connection with a young man named Billy, who's dealing with his own struggles, Esme is forced to face the truth: sometimes you can't plan for love.  

A/N: Let the Discworld references begin!

Warnings: mental health issues, angst, slow-burn, developing relationship, dysfunctional family, some violence (non-graphic), some smut

Chapter warnings: mention of cheating, stalkerish behavior from an ex

Chapter word count: 2.9k

Chapter 1

Chapter 2 - The White Horse

Esme's boss, Peter, grumbled about the dogs, but Esme knew he couldn't help but melt a little at the sight of the puppies crowding around their mum. She pointed out that they couldn't be moved yet due to the puppies' young age and the mum's broken leg, and promised to take responsibility for them. In the end, Peter agreed to let the dogs stay. Sometimes, there were certain advantages to working for a small business.

The next night, Esme settled down for another quiet shift. Monty had gone home, but now there were the dogs to command her attention. The puppies were settling in nicely, but the mum, whom Esme had decided to call Angua, remained slightly wary and still gave a soft growl when Esme reached into the crate. "Relax," Esme told her while checking her bandages one last time before turning out the light. "We got you and your babies here safe and sound, didn't we?" She wondered if Billy would want to know how the dogs were doing, and realized, rather wistfully, that she didn't have any way of contacting him.

There was a buzz from the front desk. Esme poked her head out and saw Billy shuffling by the door, a bag of dog treats in his hand. The sight of him made her heart jump pleasantly, though she didn't quite know why.

"I just want to see how the dogs are doing," he said shyly, as if he could read her thought. "And to give the mum this." He held out the bag of treats. "I checked, it's for nursing dogs," he added.

"That's so thoughtful, thank you." She moved to take the treats from him, but something about his timid stance tugged at her heart, and she opened the door wider. "Would you like to see them?"

His face brightened up, but he still seemed unsure. "I don't want to bother—"

"It's no bother. It's a very slow night anyway."

She led him into the back, where the kennels were. Angua started wagging her tail lightly upon seeing Billy. "Oh, would you look at that?" Esme said, pretending to be offended. "I feed and clean you and you still growl at me, but he comes with treats and he gets a tail wag? I'm joking," she quickly added, noticing Billy's fluster. "I think it's sweet that she remembers you, really."

"May I?" He gestured to the kennel. Esme nodded, so he sat down on the floor and put a finger through the bars, giving first the mum, then each of the puppies, a gentle stroke. "Do they have names yet?" he asked.

"I've been calling the mum Angua," Esme said.

"Angua?"

"It's from Discworld—it's from a series of fantasy novels," she explained. She wasn't going to bore him by launching into a long-winded speech about her hobby, so she opted for the heavily abridged version. "Angua's a werewolf. And a police officer. She's very tough and practical, but nice too. Though she still chases the occasional chicken in her wolf form," she couldn't stop herself from adding.

"Oh." He seemed to be mulling over the name while still stroking the dog. "That suits her."

"Yeah. Look-wise, she's more of a Gaspode, but personality-wise, she's Angua for sure." Billy looked at her, confused, and Esme gave a little embarrassed laugh. "Sorry. It's from the books again. Gaspode's a stray dog."

"What about the puppies?"

"I haven't decided yet. Maybe you can adopt one, when they're old enough, and name it yourself," Esme suggests.

"I've always wanted a dog," he replied, his voice quiet, almost as if he was talking to himself. "But my landlord doesn't allow pets."

"That's a pity." She sat down next to him and put her hand in to pet the dogs as well. Her fingers brushed against his for a second, before she pulled away. "Well, you can visit as long as they're here."

And so he did. For the next week, Billy showed up every night, staying for a few minutes to give Angua a treat and pet the puppies. There were nights he caught Esme in an actual emergency and she could only wave at him before running off again, but if she wasn't doing anything, she would invite him to stay longer and join her for a cup of tea. He accepted these invitations readily enough, though he remained shy and reticent around her, even if he was no longer jumpy as he had been the day he brought Angua in. After a week, all Esme found out was that he worked the evening shifts at the nearby Asda and that the clinic was on his way home.

Then a strange incident occurred.

Billy had dropped in to visit the dogs as usual. The puppies' eyes had opened now and Esme would sometimes let them out of the kennel to play. When she came back from the kitchenette with the tea, she found them tumbling on the floor by Billy's feet, under Angua's watchful but content supervision. They had really taken to him. And he seemed calmer around them too, smiling and playing with them without that nervous, timid look he often had when talking to Esme.

She leaned down to give Billy his mug. The movement caused her necklace to fall out of her shirt. Billy caught sight of it, and his face blanched.

"What's that?" he asked, pointing at it, his tea forgotten.

"Oh, it's my White Horse necklace." She pulled it out to show it to him more clearly. It's a silver pendant in the shape of a horse, or, more exactly, the carving of a horse, a present from her mum two years ago. "It's also from those books I told you about. It's based on the Uffington White Horse—"

A shocking change came over Billy. His huge eyes popped out of his pale face like he had just seen a ghost, he started shivering uncontrollably, and his right hand flew to his nose then his chest in a strange, compulsive movement, again and again, until he gripped it with his left, seemingly with an enormous effort, to still it. "Gotta go," he mumbled and scrambled to his feet.

"What—" Esme began, but he was out of the door before she could finish her sentence.

Esme's turn on the night shift rotation ended that week, and she had her day off right after, so she didn't get a chance to see Billy again and ask him what had happened that night. With a pang, she realized that she'd neglected to tell him she wasn't working the night shift for another week. She wondered whether he would come back if she was not there. Don't be silly, of course he would. He comes to see the dogs, not you. Then she wondered why she even bothered thinking about it. She didn't know him at all.

That morning, as Esme pulled up on her bicycle behind the clinic, she ran into her co-worker, Dianne, who was just leaving. They exchanged pleasantries, though Esme could see that Dianne was not happy about having to take the night shift. In Dianne's mind, Esme should have the night shift because she lived close by, because she was the youngest member of the team, because she was single, because she had no kids, because, because, because. Esme knew that if Dianne had her way, she would saddle Esme all the night shifts. And all the day shifts too, if possible.

"Oh and by the way, Essie, if I were you, I would be careful about who I let into the clinic during the night," Dianne said, as she was getting into her car. Esme winced. Dianne called everyone by some personal nickname, thinking it made her appear friendlier, without ever asking if they like the nicknames or not. "Essie" was close enough to her name that Esme didn't mind too much, though she itched to tell Dianne that her name was short for Esmeralda, while Essie was usually short for Esther. If she did, Dianne would probably look at her like she'd sprouted another head.

"Why, what's happened?" Esme asked, locking up the bike. She wasn't really interested in a lecture about safety from Dianne, who regularly forgot to bolt the kennels at night.

"Some bloke came round last night, asking for you. Looked sketchy as hell."

Esme lifted her head. "Did he say what his name was?"

"No. And I didn't ask."

"What does he look like?"

"I don't know, I wasn't paying attention." Dianne's nostrils flared in annoyance at Esme's questions. Bet she wishes she didn't bring this up in the first place. "Pale skin, dark hair. Twitchy. Probably a druggie. Said he wanted to see the dogs, but I told him I'd call the police, so he took off."

Dianne actually looked smug. Esme had to remind herself that no one else at the clinic knew Billy—though, technically speaking, neither did she—so Dianne's reaction was understandable. But would it kill the woman to have a little compassion? "I'll keep that in mind, thank you," she said coldly and went inside.

During her lunch break, she took her bike to Asda. She had no idea what time their evening shift started, but perhaps she could leave him a message. Weaving her way through the crowd of lunchtime shoppers, she managed to find who looked like a supervisor, an older woman with wiry, pewter-colored hair, watching a young man while he filled the shelves.

"Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but is Billy here?" Esme asked the supervisor.

They both turned to her, but it was the young man that spoke first. "Billy Knight? What does a pretty girl like you want with that weirdo?" he said. Spots were erupting all over his face, making it look like a lava field. Esme had to bite back a snippy remark.

"Be quiet, Liam," the supervisor said. She turned to Esme. "He's not in any kind of trouble, is he?"

"Oh no," Esme quickly replied. "I'm a vet. He brought a dog to our clinic, and I just want to talk to him about it, that's all."

The supervisor relaxed. "He's not scheduled to come in today," she said. Seeing Esme deflate, she added, "I believe he apprentices a few days a week at that woodworking studio by the wharf. You can ask there."

Esme thanked her. As she rode her bike down the river, she asked herself again why she had to bother so much. It certainly didn't matter to her whether Billy came back to the clinic or not. She enjoyed his visits, but it was just something to break up the monotony of the night, nothing more. Except... except that she could tell it matters to him, the time he spent with the dogs, the shy few words he exchanged with her. And she hated for him to think he was unwelcomed.

She found the studio quite easily. Even before she saw it, a trail of wood shavings and sawdust had led her to the piles of timber stacked outside, and she was greeted by a contradictory mix of the warm, sweet, relaxing scent of wood and a constant roaring and thudding of table saws and chisels and hammers. She asked for Billy from a man with a red face and a magnificent white beard, looking like Father Christmas on holiday. He turned around and bellowed "Billy!!!" over the noise, then tipped Esme a wink and ambled inside. A minute later, Billy emerged, stripping off a pair of gloves and goggles and brushing the sawdust from his hair, blinking at her in surprise.

"How'd you find me?" he said. There it was again, that brief look of fear and distrust.

"I asked your supervisor at Asda," Esme said. Recognizing how that sounded, she added, "I'm sorry, I hope I'm not overstepping, but—"

"—'s alright—"

"—I just want to apologize about last night. My colleague didn't know you were—she wasn't really going to—I'm sorry I didn't—you're welcome to stop by any time..." She realized she was rambling now, so her voice trailed off, and they stood looking at each other, both tongue-tied. Esme thought about telling him to come back next week, when she would be working, but a voice in her head, compiled from countless articles she's read about the dangers of being a single woman in modern society, told her this might be a bad idea. Sure, let's tell the strange man whom you barely know where he can find you alone, at night...

Eventually, Billy spoke up. "How're the dogs?"

"They're fine. Angua misses the treats though." He gave her another one of his uncertain smiles, which came and went like the beam of a lighthouse. That smile convinced Esme. "It's my turn on the night shift again next week," she said. "You can stop by then."

His face relaxed. "Thank you," he said.

Esme started wheeling her bike around, when Billy called out to her, in a small voice, "Esme?" He had never called her by name before. It sounded nice.

She turned around expectantly.

"I'm sorry for running off the other night," he said. "The White Horse—" His hand twitched to his nose again, but he stopped it in time and turned it into a wiping motion instead. He took a breath. "I grew up near there. Lots of—bad memories."

Esme nodded, though she didn't quite understand. "It's alright," she replied. "I'll see you again then." But she tucked the necklace more securely into her shirt and made a mental note to not have it visible while he was around.

Esme's phone buzzed while she was in the kitchenette, but her hands were full of bread and cheese. Billy was stopping by, and she wanted to offer him something more substantial with his tea than just biscuits. He didn't look like he had enough to eat, yet he was always so embarrassed and hesitant about taking food. I'll just tell him that I accidentally made too many sandwiches for my midnight snack, she decided, as she cut the sandwiches into perfect triangles.

The phone buzzed again. Annoyed, Esme wiped her hand and pulled the phone out of her pocket. There was a string of texts from an unknown number. She glanced at them, and her heart jerked as if it had been electrocuted.

Hey love, it's Neil

Pls don't block this number as well

Can we talk? I've made a terrible mistake—

The rest of the text became a blur as hot tears sprang to her eyes. Bastard! He decided she was suffocating him, that the relationship wasn't working, and now, nearly seven months later (and who's counting anyway?), suddenly he'd made a mistake? She wiped away the tears as soon as they came, angry at herself for crying. He hadn't deserved her tears when he cheated on her, and he certainly didn't deserve her tears now.

She picked up the plate of sandwiches, stalked out, and almost ran into Billy. He noticed her red-rimmed eyes, and concern etched across his face. "Something wrong?" he asked.

"No, nothing's wrong," she said. "I'm just—" Her phone rang shrilly, cutting her off. The same unknown number. Shit. Must've forgotten to block it. The ringtone grated on her nerves, and the red haze of anger dried her tears almost instantly. Without thinking, she pressed "answer" and shouted into the phone, "Stop trying to contact me, you cheating bastard!" Then she hung up, making sure to hit "block" this time, and lifted her head to meet Billy's alarmed stare.

"Sorry about that," she said with a self-conscious laugh. "I sometimes wish we still used landlines, don't you? It would've been so much more satisfying to be able to slam the receiver down, instead of just hanging up and blocking." She wiped her eyes furiously into her sleeve and proffered Billy the sandwiches. "Cheese and onion?"

He took a sandwich, still looking thoughtful, and followed her into the kennel, which for once was actually full. While Esme busied herself checking the other patients, he settled down to play with Angua and the pups as usual, but she could feel his eyes on her, watching her as he tried to understand. When she returned from the cat room, he suddenly said, apropos of nothing, "It's easier with animals, isn't it?"

She looked at him, puzzled.

"Not like people," he clarified. "Animals can't lie or hurt you. Well, they can hurt you, but only physically."

Esme was stunned. Billy was giving her a small smile, but his eyes were elsewhere, looking at something only he could see, or perhaps looking inside himself. She wondered what had happened to him, and whether it had anything to do with the "bad memories" he mentioned. But she didn't want to be nosy.

"That's one of the reasons I became a vet, actually," she said, sitting down next to him. "You always know where you are with animals."

His eyes returned to her then, with a spark of mutual understanding, and they sat there quietly, shoulder to shoulder, while the puppies yapped and gamboled at their feet.

Chapter 3

Taglist: @quinnypixie, @accidentalslag, @etherealglimmer

[rattusn0rvegicus]

I think we get a lot of things wrong about food on both "sides" of the debate (and I'm not sourcing any of this bc it's all off the top of my head and you can just Google it and I'm not a journalist), like:

You WANT to have fruits and vegetables. They are jam packed with essential nutrients and will genuinely make you feel better.

You also WANT to have carbs and fats and sugars and salt. Most sugars you need, you'll get naturally, but my GOD don't use Water instead of Oil or refuse to eat avocado solely because you're scared of fat. (Barring specific allergies ofc but that goes without saying)

It is genuinely not bad for you to be a little overweight. It's actually a protective factor when you're old to have a little cushion from falls, extra energy, etc.

It is more dangerous to be severely underweight than severely obese. Both of these come with their own risks and health issues but my god please don't fall into the pro-ana trap of thinking underweight = good.

There is nothing morally wrong with being underweight, overweight, obese, or average weight. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

BMI is a (flawed) tool to measure POPULATIONS, not INDIVIDUALS. As such it's not your BMI that matters but rather how YOU'RE feeling at your weight, how your health is, how your mobility is, etc.

You CAN manage symptoms of your illnesses with your diet. For most folks, this means eating a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, mushrooms, oils, nuts, eggs, legumes, fish and white meat and occasionally lean red meat, whole grains, etc etc. It's unlikely to Cure Your Depression Or Your Joint Pain Or Whatever, but it will HELP.

It's okay to eat ultra-processed foods sometimes, but they should not be the bulk of your diet if you're looking to be healthy.

Conversely, if you're having a day where the only thing you can stomach is an ultra-processed food, it is better than STARVING. Anything is better than starving.

Fad diets are just that, fads. Most of diet culture is a sham and it's generally better to listen to your body, not overeat all the time, get exercise and proper nutrition, and above all ENJOY food, rather than religiously count calories and eat exclusively Weight Watchers or whatever.

Food deserts and food swamps are a thing. Most people don't live in them, but inaccessibility of unprocessed food is a major problem in the US and a few other countries, and we should be working on solutions to make nutritious foods more accessible to everyone, including poor folks living in food deserts. Yes we shouldn't be shaming individuals who are in this situation, but the answer isn't "just deal with it", nutritious food is IMPORTANT and it's a human right.

Pretending like it's totally fine for people to be forced to eat ultra-processed food that is linked to higher rates of physical and mental illness is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.

There are ways to prepare vegetables that make them actually taste good, and I don't just mean "hiding them and pretending they're not there" - though if that's all that works for you, go for it by all means. Most white Americans see vegetables as an unfortunate side dish you have to force down your throat. They can be delicious. Hell, they can be the main item. Look to other cultures other than "suburban white America", for examples, lol.

Barring severe allergies and such, cutting foods out of your diet is not a good thing. If a doctor tells you to "not eat any vegetables" you should probably seek a second opinion.

The "salt lick test" is NOT a scientifically valid test. Of course salt tastes good to you. It's fucking salt.

[jovalencia]

good morning ladies it is 6am and I spent the entire night awake and I’ll explain why under the cut bc I am gonna vent abt my health issues again and I’m gonna talk about vomit and all my stomach and eating issues as of late so just be aware of that. and this is all like a massive tmi but none of you are real so it’s okay

okay yeah so basically last night I had avocado toast for dinner which I’ve never had before and it was really good and that’s actually not relevant I just wanted to tell you guys. also not relevant but I was listening to tower of nero while I did that and I can’t believe how much I actually care about this series now. the lester effect I guess I’ll talk about that in a post once I finish the series

anyways I was still hungry after the toast so I ate some leftover gas station jojos from the day before and you’re probably like “carmen ofc you felt sick again last night you ate fucking gas station jojos” and yeah maybe I did and it’s not exactly the smartest decision but I also ate them two desperate times the day before so idk why this time would be any different since it hasn’t even been 2 days since I bought them. but yeah halfway though eating those (and watching my ethanimale video🫶) I started to not feel great so I was like fuck it I’ll go to bed. and I was sooooo excited to go to bed bc I was exhausted and since I’m home alone I was (tmi) gonna sleep naked bc I’ve never slept naked and it sounds fun as hell. and I’m sure it would have been if my stomach wasn’t doing backflips the whole time and despite the fact that I Just Fuckig Ate I was very noticeably hungry. I tried to fall asleep and ended up just doing that half in and out of consciousness thing that was going on last time I was sick like this. without the hallucination stress nightmares this time. except every time my stomach did a flip big enough to wake me up, I did in fact have to go to the bathroom to shit. and guys this is gross but I truly have no idea how I was able to shit so much like i took at least five full sized shits and I’m not even constipated or anything like WHERE did it all come from. every time I got up I was legit flabbergasted. anyways. I ate half a fig bar to try and get some more food in my system and finally put on some clothes and did what I know always helps when I’m sick: lay on the living room couch.

side note shoutout to my sister for insisting hat this couch was so soft and comfy that we Needed to buy it and the matching chair despite the fact that we didn’t need new living room furniture. we absolutely did and she’s the mvp of my life for that.

so yeah I was finally able to get some sleep out here on the couch and I still wasn’t feeling Great but I was able to actually sleep which is a testament to the power of this couch. and it was fine I was waking up to piss like eve Rey half hour big I’ve been driving a lot of water since it’s the only thing I can stomach and I was getting up to shit every half hour before so what does it matter. and it was all fine I could handle this until I needed to wake up for work (whether I’m going idk) but then I won’t up and I was like “yeah I’m definitely gonna throw up” so I threw up. and like here’s where it’s weird. like first of all it was a Lot of water considering how much I’ve been pissing out every 30 minutes for the whole night. second of all I threw up carrots which I haven’t had since wednesday night and god could they possibly still be in my stomach considering how much shitting I’ve done this morning. very weird.

but yeah I feel a bit better now and I tried to call my mom but she’s off the grid on a camping trip (boooooo👎) so I texted her instead and it said it went through so hopefully she gets back to me on that. I’m gonna scroll through some posts then try and get back to sleep bc despite how hungry I am right now my persistent lack of appetite is striking again and i don’t think if actually be able to eat anything right now. god bless.

[tsscat]

Okay my thoughts on jfo

Disclaimer that my analysis on game design is from a limited perspective as I really don’t play many open-world, role-playing, kind of games and this is really the first “Dark Souls-esque” game I’ve played. What I loved (other than most of it):

I know this has been said before but truly a spectacularly beautiful game. Like good graphics but also the art/design itself was gorgeous. The cinematography and lighting was incredible and it really added so much depth to the storyline and to the enjoyment in exploring. I hate the planet Zeffo for personal reasons (specifically those burrowing hog-things I’m forgetting what they’re called) but Zeffo to me was the most beautiful planet. Something so idyllic and serene about greenery in combination with the shiny blue-grey ice and stark rocky cliffs. Everyone who worked on the art and lighting and cinematography, and everyone who found ways to render and code this!!! In such detail without breaking the game or having any glitches!!! Truly everyone who worked on this deserve so much respect and admiration

My boy Cal! Love it when a jedi character is unequivocally kind and compassionate. Love it when they strive to be good and do good. Love it when their strength is in caring about other people and drawing people together because of that. Ezra and Cal my beloved <3.

Trilla and Cere and Merrin!!! Love the grief and complexity and heart in their stories! Trilla as the child betrayed and who grew up to become destroyer of everything she once loved. Cere who suffered a horror and failed her Padawan, growing with Cal to forgive herself and move forward. Merrin, the sole survivor of a massacre, stewing in her grief and rage for decades until an unlikely ally reached out and offered to be her friend and she chose that path to heal and grow instead of continuing to live in her past. God, the women in this game really did steal the show.

BD-1 <3 ofc. His mannerisms remind me of my kitten, difference being he is actually helps you, healing you and hacking into things for you while she bites. Love BD’s friendship with Cal too.

I like Greez too lol he’s nice he’s just. Tho feel like there’s not much to say compared to the others lol.

The themes of grief and of moving on. Star Wars at its worst struggles with how incredibly scarring the events of the prequels and Order 66 were. But when Star Wars gets it right god does it get it right. Love the hopeful theme of that, while you cannot ignore what you’ve lost, as it’ll always be a part of you, you must learn to stop living in the past. You must start moving forward, rebuild in any way you can. And also! To not fear failure, as it is essential part of life and is a necessary step in success.

Speaking of Order 66 I loved the Order 66 part in this game it was so heartbreaking!! I feel like in this day and age bringing up Order 66 in Star Wars media can sometimes feel like. Sadness bait if that makes sense. Like they know SW fans are gonna cry over order 66 scenes. But this did not feel like that at all. It was such a meaningful part (level???) and it was so scary playing as little underpowered Cal while the entire clone army was trying to kill you and your master. There was no health bar during this part but I feel like there should have been just to add to the feeling of vulnerability. Also love how it integrated all of the different skills you had learned through the game. When Jaro Tapal died and Anakin’s Betrayal played I cried. And THEN when you go back to the title screen after that and understand what it means aaaaah

LOVED how the gameplay played into these themes! Playing jfo was definitely frustrating to me, especially as I am not very familiar with this kind of game, but I came to realize that the struggle was *meant* to be part of the game experience. It’s okay to not get something on your first time! The point is to keep trying again and learn from your mistakes. I think many people had issues with the parkour in this game and how challenging it was at times but I think that was also a necessary part of the theme of struggle (tho I have one issue with it that I will get into later). Also love Cal’s power to read the past from objects and how you can essentially follow small stories from the past as you’re exploring with this power. It really does add into the weight of the past and also I think adds to the caring nature of Cal’s character.

I love the part when Cal breaks his lightsaber and he has to figure how to make do without it. First of all love when he has to run away from all the undead night sisters with basically no protection other than the force. I was stressed the whole way through but it was really so chaotic (affectionate). Ofc the storyline part of it was also amazing and made me cry again but also I think players up to this point have the tendency to rely too much on lightsaber mechanics and on Dathomir and Illum you were forced to use and get accommodated with other mechanics more especially using the force. Illum also was a nice moment of calm after the high stress Dathomir escape. And then ofc Cal’s moment of glory (really it’s *your* moment of glory) afterwards when he fixes his lightsaber and defeats all those storm troopers.

What I didn’t like/thought could be improved:

I don’t understand why the fighting tutorial in the train cart wasn’t…more tutorial-y? Like they kinda threw a bunch of stormtroopers at you and were like 'quick do all these things before the stormtroopers kill you' and you just had to figure it out. Like maybe I'm biased bc Ive never played combat of this style before but… Idk why they couldn't just remove the health bar for a bit until players figured out the mechanics. I think it would have been good also to have players fight one stormtrooper (maybe a more powerful one so it lasts longer) before they move onto multiple. What would have been helpful to me is if they had a one on one fight where you could try blocking a bunch of times, try parrying a bunch of times, trying evading a bunch of times until you figured it out, similar to the style of the later Jaro Tapal visions

I may be directionally challenged but I feel like navigating was often kind of frustrating and not in the good way. I would constantly take wrong turns and end up making 30 min detours. I sometimes navigating felt tedious and unnecessary and the map often felt difficult to read or make out.

The camera angle when you’re fighting is sometimes very weird. I’ve looked into this a bit and apparently it’s a bit of an issue with many Dark Souls-esque games but every once in a while if you were fighting someone in a more closed-space the camera would randomly veer off into some corner and you wouldn’t be able to see anything.

The puzzles are….ugh. In theory I would have loved the puzzles, as I would have loved something that was a break from the parkour and combat that was less about quick reaction times and more about taking a bit of time and thinking about a solution. However frankly the puzzle designs were awful. The degrees of freedom/what you could do or manipulate within a puzzle space were never clearly defined which makes puzzles more weird and confusing (in a bad way) than challenging and enjoyable. So many difficult puzzles were only difficult bc of how it required noticing some insignificant detail rather than intelligent design. And force pushing those damn spheres to their sockets was soooo tedious

While I liked the parkour, I do feel like the fact you couldn’t adjust the difficulty of the parkour made the game more inaccessible. The parkour relied on very very quick reaction times which could prove too difficult to someone with say, mobility issues.

Okay also I think the fixed save points were a necessary part of the gameplay but I hate how when you could stop playing were sooo dependent on them like. If I ever needed to stop the game suddenly my choices were to try to find another save point or lose all my progress. Felt like they could have had a word around for that.

Whyyyyy did they appropriate Amazigh attire for Merrin's clothing and then have her take off! the specifically Amazigh head piece!!! When she was no longer a villain!!! UGH orientalism is a stain on Star Wars and you can never seem to escape it

Anyways this is all of the big things I can remember for now but here are some details of the top of my head I thought were cool/ some other notes:

The fact that in the Dathomirian ruins when Cal was facing against force-vision Jaro Tapal, Cal turned off his lightsaber and Tapal’s saber stopped at the top of his head and how that mirrored Cere knighting Cal. Cere only knighted Cal later but that moment on Dathomir was when Cal became a knight in spirit. Dathomir was essentially his Jedi trials

When you were in that force vision to get the Holocron and you were in the dark so you had to illuminate the place with a lightsaber but when you did it was a red lightsaber and Cal had become an inquisitor. GOD that was good that was such a clever use of a pre-established mechanic for the purpose of story.

Cere using Trilla’s lightsaber in the final battle. It’s a metaphor for her accepting her past, it’s a metaphor for her regaining her confidence in herself as a Jedi (bc she trusts herself to stay in the light despite her use of a dark-side lightsaber). Cal earlier had felt Cere and Trilla’s overwhelming trauma surrounding this object and now here she is, bearing this same object as she fights for the future.

I like the fact that you gain the ability to force pull an enemy towards you and stab them that’s such a power trip

I like it. When Cal ride the dinosaur <3

The ninth sister is kinda hot even though she killed me a couple of times

Love how blunt Merrin is lol. She really is just figuring out how interact with people after she turns to your side like go queen explore the world around you

I could definitely see hints of kotor in this game which was interesting

I don’t think this would have improved the gameplay at all in fact it could have hindered it a bit but I think they should have given Cal a gun. I just think he should have one. Also some bombs. Give this man some explosives

Anyways my ranting is slowly turning incoherent and this is all I can remember. There’s definitely way more to talk about tho. All in all a lovely game that I really enjoyed despite being super stressed about combat (in storymode no less 😩).

[tendercoretroglodyke]

kind of annoying how ppl on here are just SO eager to advocate for the outright culling of all introduced (aka "invasive") species and act like anyone who is concerned for the welfare of the introduced species are painfully naive and/or PETA members (I usually see this regarding feral/outdoor cats, but w other species too)

tl;dr there's SO much more nuance when it comes to introduced animal control methods than simply a TNR/culling dichotomy, and some of you NEED to learn that reading some reactionary rants against animal rights activists doesn't make you an expert conservationist!!

Source: I'm an animal behavior & conservation master's student who recently took a class on human-wildlife conflict and wrote an 18 page term paper reviewing the massive invasive species problem in Australia, all the control methods, and the various perspectives regarding those control methods--which earned me an "It was a pleasure having you in class!" from my professor 😌

strap in lmao this is a crash course in my term paper

the longer these people rant about it the more blatantly obvious it becomes that they're just jumping to the opposite extreme from animal rights activists bc they think that makes them good environmentalists or makes them seem smart. like I GET the appeal, ofc it would be NICE to have a simple answer to managing introduced species by telling yourself "the health of the ecosystem comes before the welfare of the dirty rotten invasive species, so let's just kill them all"

but like. first of all it's almost DEFINITELY a more complicated situation than 'introduced species overpopulates and eats and/or outcompetes the native species and causes them to go extinct' (there are MULTIPLE forces at work here). second, culling is NOT always the effective cure-all you think it is!!! for ex/ culling of cane toads in australia ends up just.... making room in the ecosystem for more cane toads!! ALSO! encouraging people to go out and kill every "invasive" animal they find can often lead to NATIVE wildlife being killed accidentally, AND killing methods that are extremely painful and drawn out!

then there's the issue of animal welfare, which yes, introduced species ARE entitled to. the terminology around the discussion of how to "combat" the tides of "invasive" species only encourages us to see this situation as a war with an enemy hell-bent on destroying our ecosystem. but that's bullshit. they're literally JUST animals, which have been displaced by HUMANS, and for some reason their population ended up thriving in this new place. they aren't evil, and they DO deserve some compassion.

that said, obviously control measures often need to be taken against introduced species when they become a significant problem for the endemic species, and often TNR isn't an effective or practical method on its own. but TNR and culling aren't the ONLY control options--there are actually several control methods, each with its own levels of efficacy and welfare, each of which differs depending on the specific species and environment. these include methods like immunocontraception (high welfare, moderate efficacy), releasing species-specific viruses (extremely effective in australian rabbits, but VERY poor welfare), or hunting & trapping--for actual USE, unlike with culling (moderate-high efficacy, relatively moderate welfare if done properly)

then there's the question of whether introduced populations SHOULD be controlled, and if so, how much, and should they be completely wiped out just kept at a manageable population, etc etc etc. the concept of battling invasive species is VERY much a western preservationist (earlier trend in conservation) concept. this idea that the ecosystem would run in perfect stable harmony if not for humans (and the species we introduce around the world), and it's our moral obligation to keep the ecosystems around us EXACTLY as they were when we found them... as much as possible. but that's simply not true!! yes obviously humans have had a... significant impact on the environment and its animals. it's hard to overstate this point! but that doesn't mean that we are supposed to play impartial gods over our local ecosystems and make sure things stay exactly the same.

the fact is, many indigenous cultures DON'T view introduced species as a significant problem, barring more extreme circumstances. in my research I found surveys of aboriginal australian opinions on invasive control measures and many had said they DON'T see them as invasive, because they grew up on this land and therefore have a right to be there, just like any of them. indigenous cultures, to my knowledge, also tend to have a stewardship over their land not based in CONTROL (like western conservationists) but as an equal PART of a functioning ecosystem. rather than trying to "fix" the ecosystem like a benevolent god, they are a PART of the ecosystem and they adapt to the changing balance of it just like all the other creatures must.

that said, when they DID believe it was time to take some control measures, those surveyed were much more likely to prefer control methods like hunting for use over things like poisoning or culling, calling those methods a waste of a natural resource.

anyways. I've spent way too long on this instead of doing my project lol. I gtg but please know you don't HAVE to advocate for culling invasive species to get ur conservationist cred!! there's a lot of nuance in these situations and it's not a bad thing to care about the wellbeing of ALL animals--it's actually a good thing!!

[sandsofoneiros]

*I don't own any images above. Found them on pinterest.

Disclaimer: It’s finally here! It’s been kicking my ass for weeks but I finally have it ready for you guys! I know nothing about ships and sailing so please don’t hate me! There's so many references in this chapter and I wonder if you can pick up on them! Let me know if you do and your thoughts! I also finally got to use my moodboard! I also tried something new with ending and beginning that I got from one of my favorite authors. Let me know what you think!

Pairing: Poe Dameron x OFC.

Warning: We have a lot. It gets angsty towards the end. Mentions of an anxiety attack, grief mention, and we do have a character death. Some blood is mention. Emotions are every where for these kiddos. I tried to tag everything just be cautious reading the third months. Cursing

Read chapter two here!

Tagging: @thembohux and @booksmusicteaandanimals

Chapter Three: The Privateer.

Months before. . . . .

To some, he was still a boy. Seventeen did not make one a man, and he knew that as he trekked up the snowy hill. The kingdom is known for its harsh terrain and even more ruthless queen. However, the boy wasn’t intimidated. His hood obscured his identity to those around him, and that’s how it would remain until he was facing her. The boy had an offer for the ice queen. An offer that would blossom in time and would contribute to them both, or that’s what he assumed would happen. The bitter wind cut at his cheeks and nose as he went on. He had been on this journey for what seemed like years, but it had hardly been a week; he was losing count of the days. The only thing that mattered was his offer being accepted. This new powerful alliance could be formed. He could hardly wait, and that gave him the last push to get over that hill. For a moment, he paused at the top, looking over the kingdom that was practically camouflaged by the snow. The rumor was that this kingdom had no proper ruler and was run by the most feared individual that asserted dominance. One that the others thoroughly respected. The neighboring kingdoms had always perceived it as unusual. However, the queen of this land had held it in her clutches longer than anyone. The boy was hoping to extend and expand her reign tonight.

In another kingdom, a prince and his father quarreled more and more each day. The tension becomes too much for each of them. The father had sought to end his son’s dreams of adventure and each day he felt his son slipping further and further away. He would venture into the town and come home later with the patrol guards surrounding him. The boy hung around the harbors and taverns, lingering to see if he could slip away with someone or some crew. However, they were promptly told who the boy was and what would take place if they were to leave with him. This kingdom did everything to look after their beloved prince, despite his attempts to break free. The prince was ready to leave this forsaken place and forget his title. He didn’t wish to spend another summer visiting a princess that he didn’t wish to wed. He didn’t want to be told what to do. He wished to be like his mother and explore. The boy only wanted freedom. Freedom to do what would make him happy and not those around him. His anger had led him to another bar, but this time a crew had taken an interest in him. A mysterious girl not older than him had enticed him to accompany her on the sea, and he had never felt more freedom than when he took her hand.

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First month.

Sixteen years old.

She couldn’t accept what the King declared. It was too shocking to even thoroughly comprehend and prayed that this was some trick that Poe was playing. Kes’s haggard appearance was the only thing that told her it wasn’t. Poe had finally done it. He had sought freedom and had gotten taken instead. Kes continued, telling them he wasn’t certain Poe had gotten captured or left freely. The owner of the bar gave one explanation of the story while the people gave another. Kes had been late for getting there to stop the prince. She could see that weighed on his mind heavily, and she couldn’t fault him. Ro had become lost in her mind until Ignis touched her shoulder.

“Princess?” Kes’s voice was low as he observed her. Standing by to see what would take place. Ro hadn’t even heard the question and instead peered at her father before Ignis. This was their first time escorting her to Yavin. Queen Eirlys wasn’t in good health and declined the visit. Moreso, her spouse declared to her, he would take her place this year. Her mom was ill back in Cianna and had been for the entire year. The summer had been the worst of the year. Ro would watch as the woman would fake a smile and make herself do her duties. Her father did everything he could to lessen all the Queen’s duties, but she would scold him. Her mom had insisted that Ro come to Yavin and be with the prince. She didn’t need to be staying with the sick queen. Now, she stood before the Kes and heard how Poe wasn’t even here. He didn’t know where his son was or when the boy would return. This summer was becoming one that she wanted to forget.

“These are challenging times, your highness. My mother is unwell and Poe is missing. It would seem that we are all being tried.” Her voice wavered as she struggled to speak. The poor young woman could feel more cracks developing in her walls. How long would they hold up? How long could she be strong? Pushing her lips into a thin line, she took a minute to gather herself once more. “The kingdom of Cianna will support you, King Kes. I’m confident we can find Prince Poe. My mother would want us to put the prince first and that’s what we’re going to do. Da, send word to Cianna, and let’s get as many as we can spare. I know a privateer that can benefit us. We might need to get our hands dirty, gentlemen.”

Her head was high as she communicated to all of them. None of them expected her to develop a strategy and issue orders. They could see she would not let this go, it was personal for her. For a minute, Jaqen saw nothing but his wife radiating through his oldest daughter. A smile found its way to his face, and he felt pride as he stepped somewhat back, letting Ro have the floor. Ignis followed Jaqen’s lead and let the princess have the floor.

“I will meet with the privateer and get us a ship along with more company. I presume we’ll want to leave as soon as possible. King Kes, I propose packing up.”

Kes couldn’t stop the grin that set across his face. It took him back to the first time he met Aurora. How shy she was. Now she stood before him and took charge of finding his son. Oh, she would make an admirable queen one day. He could see that with no problem.

“I believe you’re right, Princess Aurora. We’re wasting valuable time, gentlemen. Let’s plan to leave by the end of the week.”

“I’ll send for Cianna’s finest.” Her father bowed to Kes.

“Ignis, I need you to accompany me to the city. I need to speak with someone in town.”

Ro didn’t waste any time as she left the throne room, leaving them all in admiration. Her head held high as she left. Her legs brought her to the spot of Poe’s favorite tree. A tree that Kes and Shara had planted when she was alive. Her lip wobbled as she battled back tears. Her knees swayed as she pressed her back to the tree and slid down the trunk. Not caring that it could ruin her dress or possibly scrape her. No, she needed to get her emotions out for the few moments that she had alone. Her shoulders shook as the emotions took over. Why would he leave? Last summer it seemed that he was ready. Evidently, it had been nothing more than a honeyed speech. Her mind advised her he wouldn’t have just left. Her heart told her he loved her, but her gut declared both of them were wrong. Her gut instructed her that when she found him she would never want to see him again.

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Zireael watched as the men loaded up her ship for this job. A job that she wasn’t sure that she wanted in the first place but the reward would be worth it. The reward always made it worth it. Griff stood beside her as they waited on the King of Yavin to join them. Both of them had already decided only one noble could be on this ship. The princess and her guard would only cause more trouble. However, the Ciannaian longboats did make them feel a little more relieved. Numbers would help them given who they had to track down. This prince had gotten wrapped up with the Kijimi Fleet. A fleet that no one dared cross along with their kingdom. How someone could do something so reckless was beyond her but all these princes and princesses were always doing something bothersome. She tapped her boot while her arms crossed over her chest. They were losing time and that was something she hated.

“Calm down, we have plenty of days left to sail.” Chuckling, he ruffled her raven locks and put her hat back down. It wasn’t uncommon for her to lose patience.

“Days? We have three months to find the prince or it was all for nothing.” She spoke as she swatted his hand away from her hair.

“I don’t see why she doesn’t marry the guard. He looked positively love-struck. . .”

“Probably for the same reason why I don’t marry you, Griff. Her heart belongs to another.”

They both shared a look before someone cleared their throat. It was the King of Yavin. He offered them a slight smile and wave before putting his bag down. It was only one bag, and that took Zireael by surprise. She guessed that he would have packed more, but less was always better. The King of Cianna remained beside him as they spoke their goodbyes. He gave her and Griff a knowing look before bowing his head to them.

“Careful on the seas. All of you.”

“Of course, your highness. I’m sure we’ll sing songs and become closer with each passing day.”

Zireael bowed to both the fathers before nodding to the ship. It was time to leave, and she was aching to get out on the sea. The gulls were crying above them, and the sun was high. It was an excellent day. She couldn’t have asked the maker for a more perfect day for them to sail the ocean. Griff had started the climb up the ramp to the deck to speak with everyone about what they would be doing. He was her second in command and no one ever challenged him. They didn’t want to face her wrath.

Kes held his arm out for her to take as they made their climb. “How certain are you that we will find him? There are plenty of uncharted territories out there.” The privateer merely smirked at his question. She wasn’t even certain if they would recover the prince, but he was a dad missing his only son. “I’m positive that we will find him and more, your grace. Don’t you fret.” Once they were on the deck, she brought the king to the commander’s quarters. She wasn’t certain what this job had in store for them, but the least she could do was make sure that Kes was comfortable while he traveled with them. It would be a lengthy three months if the man had to sleep on the bunks down below. There would not be much to do today other than plan out her course.

Her quarters were her sanctuary for the time. Flipping through the pages of her journal, she started studying the statements that she had gathered from the night the prince had fled. She needed a lead. All she knew was that he had got tied up with the Kijimi Fleet, and she wasn’t familiar with their routes. She needed to figure out where they would go next. Rubbing at her temples, she recorded where they could hit and where they had hit. She had to find that pattern. It was there somewhere. They would stop at the next port and ask around there. They would not spend too long searching ports and towns. No, they didn’t have time.

A knock rang through her quarters, and her eyes stared at the door. She didn’t want to let them in. Fixing her hair, she almost didn’t recognize herself as she passed the mirror to open the door. Grinning, she took in the sight of Kes. A charming man. It was no wonder his people loved him and his son.

“You look like you could use some fresh air. There looks to be a party on deck and I don’t think it’s fair that you’re working.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be an excellent captain if I let them have all the fun, would I?”

Kes chuckled with the young woman. She was no older than his son. Yet, she was a privateer that was managing this job and ensured that she would find his son. She had plenty of individuals under her to command and they all respected her. They looked at her for guidance. A leader. However, one looked at her as if it would be the last time. Griff stared at her as if he was seeking to seize her for himself. It made Kes uneasy.

Zireael beamed as she listened to the familiar music and moved behind a few of them. She wasn’t feeling much for dancing. Hoisting herself onto the railing, she searched through the leather pouch that settled at her hip. Plucking out her long pipe, tobacco, and arranging it, she gladly placed it between her lips. Blowing the smoke out her nose made a grin as Griff shook his head at her.

“Does your mother know you do that?” The king asked, while she snickered. Glancing over at him, a playful twinkle in her eyes.

“Who do you think taught me, your grace?”

Their laughter weaved in with the rest of the crew’s. This was the calm before the storm. They wouldn’t always have nights like this where they could rest easy and be cheerful. No, this was a treat, and they all realized that. She let herself sing some songs with them, clapped as they danced, but she hadn’t truly let herself join in completely. It wasn’t until Kes took her hand to join in the dance that she allowed herself. Griff had been the next to spin her around on the deck. The crowd shouted loudly as they watched their captain join in. They all recognized how much this job meant to her and how much she desired the reward. They knew she wouldn’t fail, and they would not let her. She took care of them, and they took care of her. It was as simple as it could get. Zireael was a name just as feared as the Kijimi Fleet. It was recognized but shrouded in mystery. That was the way she intended to keep it. Always keep them guessing, and they might respect her enough to stay out of the way.

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Poe leaned over the rail of the ship, scanning for any sea creatures that might reveal themselves. This was the furthest that he had ever been from Yavin, and he was buzzing with excitement. Sure, the crew was still watchful of him, but that never discouraged his mood. He was constantly ready to prove himself to them. Zorii had vouched for him back in Yavin and he wanted to make sure that he lived up to whatever she had told them. He needed to see more, and it wasn’t long before he hurried up to the crow’s nest. Poe adored being that high up and staring out onto the horizon. The prince would spread his arms out and just enjoy the breeze. It was his favorite spot on the entire ship. Other than beside the fearless young woman who had swept him off his feet. The young woman that wanted adventure just like him. She was a little cold the first few weeks, but she had come around. Now, she was constantly reminding the others how valuable he really was.

“Dameron! What are you looking at up there?” Her voice called as she studied him. Her hand over her eyes to shield it from the sun. He just waved at her to come up with him, which she did with some reluctance. They had been sailing with each for weeks now, and Poe recognized something was flourishing between them. The prince had wanted this with Aurora, but it never unfolded. She had suggested once that she would wait on him, but he knew she might not. He couldn’t blame her. They were children that got forced into something that they didn’t want. He felt she was more than thrilled that he had left. Yet, his mind drifts back to last summer and those spoken feelings.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Second month.

It was all getting to them. It was hardly the second month of their journey, but they were all suffering the effects. Even Zireael was becoming tired of being on her ship, and she longed to feel solid ground again. Stepping out on the deck and leaning over the rail, she stared at the water below them. It always gave her some sort of relief, even though she was missing the feel of grass between her toes. The breeze swept through her hair as the crew continued working around her. They had been putting extra work in since some storms had blown them off course a few times. She was proud of them and needed to remind them she was. Her thumb rubbed at the silver ring on her thumb as she thought of some reward that she could give them.

“You’re quiet this afternoon, everything alright?” Griff asked. Zireael couldn’t help but note the small braid that had made itself known. Reaching out, she carefully tugged his umber braid.

“I’ve been considering stopping at the next port and letting everyone go enjoy themselves. It seems we’ve all grown tired of the waves below. I could undoubtedly use a hot bath. . .” She grinned before studying her own hair. Fingers working through tangles without even a whimper.

“There’s one not too far from here. A night off the ship might restore our energy for the rest of the journey.”

xxxx

Freshly scrubbed and accompanying her crew, Zireael laughed at their stories that they were sharing with others. The hood of her cloak was up as she rested in the back with her pipe between her lips. Letting the smoke swirl flow from her lips as she listened to her crew enjoy themselves. It was a sight to behold as a man with brown hair sang in the corner. Some of them had requested him to sing a jig instead of the sad song he had opened with. Zireael hummed the words as she lifted her tankard every once in a while. It had been too long since she had gotten to unwind. The king had wanted to enjoy the night sleeping in an actual bed after his own bath. For once they could forget about finding this rebellious prince and the Kijimi Fleet. She could let herself breathe for just a night. Something she hadn’t done since she set foot on that ship. Zireael hadn’t even bothered to ask anyone here if they knew about the prince or the fleet. It was a distant memory and would be until tomorrow morning when they set off again.

xxxxx

Walking into the tavern, Poe wasn’t ready for the boisterous voices that sing off key, but they were lively. The song tells of throwing coins to some hero from what Poe took of it. Zorii had shoved him into a booth in the back and provided the roughness of the shove; she wasn’t overly pleased with him. They hadn’t been getting along very well recently and he couldn’t stop thinking about home. He also couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wondered how much she had changed since he had seen her. How many braids had she gained? He dreamed of his fingers traveling over patterns of the plaits. He imagined undoing her plaits and his fingers combing through those strands. Would he ever see her again? He couldn’t afford to think like that when Zorii was around. She had taken notice of how he changed when he was in deep thought. It led to questions and more confrontation between them. She never appreciated hearing his answers. Exhaling, he searched the tavern as everyone sang heartily with the drinks in their hands. He hadn’t seen a sight like this in so long. He missed moments like this, but Zorii was simply using this to put him in a good mood. This was the first time that he had even left the ship in two weeks. It had been a punishment when he had stopped her from hurting someone who he felt was honest. She wasn’t pleased with him. She still wasn’t, and her actions confirmed it more and more.

His eyes paused on a figure that rested diagonally across from them. They were sitting with their hood up and a long pipe between their lips. Squinting, he could make out some details, but not enough. It wasn’t until one of their crew, or who he guessed was their crew, pulled the hood down. Her long raven hair lay over her shoulder as she smacked at them before pulling the hood back up. The table rocked as Zorii practically slammed their drinks on the table, the liquid spilling over the rim.

“Everything alright?” He asked, but his brown eyes continued watching over her shoulder to the enigmatic young woman. She rested with one leg draped over the edge of the table and the other stretched out, with her foot resting in the chair. Smoke escaping either the corner of her lips or her nostrils. She didn’t look older than him and Zorii.

“It’s fine, Poe. It’s just loud in here.”

She wasn’t mistaken about that, but he embraced the songs and dance of the other company that was here. He speculated on what they were pleased about. Maybe it was just being off the ship like he was. Poe wished to meet them, but that would only annoy Zorii more. Their relationship was constantly tethering on good and just awful. One minute she was applauding him for something and the next scolding him like a child. It was disheartening. When he first met her, he was drawn to her. She had taken him away from Yavin, had shown adventure that he never could have envisioned, but it wasn’t all roses. It was darker than he ever thought. There was another side of the world that his father had sought to protect him from. The thought of his father made him close his eyes. He missed his papa more than he could say. What was he doing right now? How much resentment did his papa have? Would his papa even wish to see him again? It weighed massively on his mind. He asked each day that he would see his papa soon.

Getting a sip of his drink, he watched as the mystery young woman smoked her pipe. He couldn’t figure out why he was so taken by her. Could it be because her crew was cheerful and dancing around their little area? Poe couldn’t say for sure. A sigh escaped Zorii’s lips, and he lifted a brow at her. She must have wanted his attention. Above her top lip, she had gathered a bit of foam from her drink.

“You have something on your lip.”

He looked away once more as she wiped her mouth. He watched as the other got up from her chair to go to the counter and he was already moving, leaving behind a confused Zorii. Nudging his way through the sea of bodies and smacking into a very built man with silvery hair. The man stood silently before Poe murmured an apology and moved around him. However, the young woman was back in her chair and another had scooted in beside her. He had missed his chance. Poe frowned before discovering a vacant seat at the bar and promptly taking it for himself. Maybe the owner would know something about her. He just needed to get the man to talk. Poe did his best to get a better glimpse at the curious young woman, but someone invariably got in the way. A snicker from the barkeep caused his head to snap up.

“It looks like Zireael has captured your eye.”

“Is that her name? Zireael? Where’s she from?”

“Not much is known about her and her crew. They are highly respected wherever they travel. They don’t create trouble with others and frequently are the ones stopping the trouble.” The man responded while he wiped down the counter. He had a name now. Zireael. It varied from anything he had heard before, but it suited her.

“She doesn’t look like much.” Zorii sneered as she took a seat on the vacant stool beside Poe. He had speculated how long it would take for her to follow him, and she had set a record for five minutes. Zorii would never let him out of her sight for too long, anyway. Even during their job earlier, Zorii wouldn’t let him do anything other than hold the goods. Even that was something that she didn’t want him doing.

“Looks can be deceiving.” He retorted without glancing at Zorii. Zorii had deceived him. She wasn’t what he expected when they first met, and neither was the world beyond Yavin. She had been beautiful to him then, inside and out. However, she had a very unique nature. Zorii could be ruthless with upholding the Kijimi kingdom. This was her way of life, and Poe wasn’t certain if he even fit in with it. He was repeatedly working to persuade her that there had to be another alternative in situations that didn’t call for such vicious measures. He felt he was getting through to her. Later the next day she would go back to the old Zorii. He didn’t wish to give up hope on her. He genuinely thought that maybe he could show her a fresh perspective than what she had known.

“I wouldn’t mess with Zireael and her crew.” A gruff voice uttered, and Poe looked at the owner. The silver-haired man in black leather who looked like he could easily defeat anyone in this bar. The man grunted before he made his way back to a table where two others sat. A dark-haired woman and the young man who had been singing earlier. For such a broad man to claim that made Poe curious to learn more about this Zireael. However, he feared Zorii would let him get any closer.

“I’m sure she wouldn’t dare mess with the Kijimi Fleet!” Zorii made certain that her tone rose above everything. It didn’t matter that they still were trying to keep Poe’s identity hidden. That was always the major priority when they came into any town. It didn’t matter how far away they were from Yavin. There was always a risk. None of them were positive if they were being followed still or not. It wasn’t something that they were eager to risk.

His heart was pounding as he watched Zorii, then over to Zireael. Silence settled over the tavern, and no one dared to speak. Zireael’s crew had gathered around their leader and stood by to see what this stranger would do. They were outnumbered, and Poe wasn’t sure how unforgiving Zireael was. He had gotten no claims about that. Even the trio in the very back sat watching to see what would transpire. It became clear to Poe at that moment that everyone here respected this young woman. They had no support or allies here.

“Drop it, Zorii Wynn.” Poe grabbed her forearm and sought to draw her away from any sort of argument with the other. This wouldn’t end well for anyone involved. Zorii had pulled her arm out of his grasp and crossed the way to where the hooded woman remained. She hadn’t even acknowledged Zorii in the slightest. Her head had tilted up to blow smoke out as Zorii cleared her throat. The suspense grew between both of the young women, but the brown-haired girl didn’t take another step. Zireael’s crew circled her, and a taller male stood to her right, daring her to take another step.

“Anything to say, Zireael?” Zorii asked with an air of confidence that Poe wasn’t positive that she should have at this moment. He usually adored when she got bold, but this was something that was asking for more trouble. He gulped as watched from behind given that.The chair scraped against the floor as Zireael rose and faced Zorii. The smug smirk on her lips would not remain much longer. Or that’s what everyone guessed. Her hand lifted to stop her crew from taking another step, and they bowed to her. Then she made a fist, and they went to their seats once more. She didn’t even have to speak a word to them! Poe was in awe of that. Striding across the small distance in front of Zorii, sucked in the smoke from the pipe and held it. Puckering her lips, she blew the smoke beside Zorii’s face before she spoke.

“Sit down, girl. My crew is resting and you have no friends here. I won’t entertain you.”

Zorii had turned her head from the smoke before Poe grabbed her arm and tugged her back. Spotting the small wave Zireael gave him before she moved back to her seat. They had evaded another fight. Without even glancing back at Zorii, he pulled her out of the tavern, recognizing this was his chance to avoid a needless quarrel. He didn’t care that Zorii was yelling at him, she had everything under control. He was fighting the impulse to run back into that tavern and plead for Zireael to let him accompany her or help him get home. Poe was having to fight himself as he hastened his pace to the docks. He needed to put distance between him and that place as quickly as possible.

“She was part of the Kijimi Fleet!” Griff whispered firmly as he slipped into the chair in front of Zireael. Her hood had fallen down and her hand gingerly touched her neck, seeking something. The action led to him to glare, but they had just picked up a lead without meaning to. She had already given two of her women the order to follow Zorii and the stranger that was with her. This was a serious lead in their job, and she was going to see that it didn’t slip away. Poe was close. Closer than she could even imagine.

“I heard. We can’t follow them just yet. We aren’t sure who all is with them and we need to see what the king wishes to do. Don’t rush this, Griff. We need to be careful before we strike.”

Zireael didn’t dare try to rush this, and was going to make sure that they had everything before proposing a strike. They had to see what Kes wished to do before they really acted. Her command went far. But this was his son. She wouldn’t overstep her bounds with that.

“Let’s rest for the night, and when the others come back, we can plan with Kes. I don’t want to raise any alarm. They might have slipped up once but they won’t do it repeatedly.”

With that, Zireael rose up and made her way out of the tavern. Passing by the table where the trio sat, she placed a pouch of coins on their table and patted the back of the silver-haired man.

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Third month

They had been tracking the Kijimi Fleet for days. Waiting for the perfect time to seize and board their main ship. Kes remained to her right, and Griff on her left. Zireael felt proud of herself. Everything had fallen into place, and it was time to collect their reward. Ever since that night in the tavern, when she had the pleasure of encountering that girl, she had followed them. She had kept distance not to create any suspicion. It was all about to pay off.

“Zireael, you’ve done it.” Kes grasped her shoulder while the young privateer smirked. Had there ever been any doubt? She was young, but she always got the job done. This had just been another job for her, and she was about to close the deal.

“Don’t tell me that my pretty face made you consider I wouldn’t.” The ravenette chuckled while both the men snorted. However, there was one question that all of them but no one wanted to ask. “Your highness, do you think your boy will return with us?”

Just asking made her feel as if she had taken all the joy and happiness from the moment. This was something that she needed to acknowledge before she communicated with the leader and got near the prince. There were a plethora of challenges that could go down when they got on the main ship. Maybe the prince wasn’t even on the ship. Maybe they had taken him elsewhere and led them on a chase just to shake them off the trail. It wasn’t uncommon for that to happen.

“I - I can only hope that he does.”

That wasn’t the answer that any of them wanted, but it was the best that he could give them. There was the biggest possibility that Poe wouldn’t come with them, and all of this would be for nothing. Poe could run to them and give thanks that his father had come for him. Either way, they were all intimidated by how the leader would handle everything. They could create an unnecessary fight, and that could lead to something more fatal. There were too many risks for Zireael’s liking and with each one coming to mind provoked her to grind her teeth.

Her eyes lifted to the sky, and another obstacle rose. The ominous storm clouds were rolling in. Time was now of the essence, and she could curse all the deities in the world for this. They needed to catch up now or they would waste their chance.

“Let’s hope this storm holds off and let’s pray your boy has a moment of clarity.”

xxxxxxx

“They have been pursuing us for days, Zorii! We don’t even know who they are!” Marinda groaned as they all sat in Zorii’s cabin. Everyone was on edge and had been since they learned they were being tracked. They weren’t even certain who was following them, but everyone assumed it was because of the prince. Poe scratched at the awkward stubble growing on his face and simply shrugged his shoulders. Even he wasn’t sure who it was or could be. Did he wish it was his father and company coming to save him? Yes, but he didn’t think anyone would track him for this long. It had been three months since he had last been in Yavin, three months since he had seen his father, and Ro. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he missed her. He missed their simple summers together. What would they have done this summer in Yavin? She would have made him go to the water gardens with her. He would have teased her for not being able to reach any of the fruit that grew from the trees. He would scold her about forgetting her shoes on the way back to the castle. Although he would smile as he carried her on his back to the castle.

“Poe? Poe!” Zorii snapped her fingers in front of his face and he jumped slightly. Had he actually been that deep in his thoughts? That perhaps wasn’t the best thing to do during this meeting that they were having. Everyone was already blaming him as it was, and this didn’t make it any better.

“Could you repeat that?” He asked, working a hand through his unruly curls to move them from his forehead.

“Do you have any idea who they might be? Zorii asked with obvious irritation in her tone. He didn’t seem to care at this point. Zorii claimed his hands were just as stained as hers now. He was part of the Kijimi Fleet and always would be. She had even informed him that if his father found out that they would never welcome him home. Part of him absolutely believed her. He wasn’t a prince. Not in his eyes anymore.

“No, I don’t. They don’t have any colors that would link them to Yavin or Naboo.” Poe deliberately left out Cianna. That kingdom probably never wanted him to show his face again. It was probable that they had even declined to support Kes with any sort of expedition to find him. He could hardly imagine what Ro was going through. When he had first left, he considered she might be ecstatic and reveling in her freedom. But that wasn’t the case now. He thought of her telling him she would wait. Was she waiting for him right now? Or was she grieving, like Ignis had envisioned? He imagined Ignis was proud of himself after receiving the news. He had presumably swooped in to save the day. To mend her broken heart. There was that jealous feeling once again. He didn’t want Ignis anywhere near Ro. Yet there was little he could do now. He was miles away and he would never see home again.

There was still the thought of the young woman from that tavern. She differed from Zorii and Ro. Maybe he could find her again and join her company. She seemed far more respected by her crew than Zorii. Her crew feared her, and Poe wasn’t sure how he felt about that. There was a significant difference between being feared and being respected. He wanted that night at the tavern to have gone much differently. Poe wished he had left with the other, but that was a fading memory. He was with the Kijimi Fleet now, and he needed to accept that.

“Fine, let them catch up, and we’ll let them come on board. We’ll have a surprise for them when they do.”

The prince shivered at Zorii’s words. He didn’t need to ask what she meant or what she had arranged. He already knew, and this was going to be another test for him to prove his loyalty to them and hold his sickness down until after the ordeal.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It should have been a red flag when they neared the fleet’s main ship. Zireael ignored her gut instinct, though. This was certainly their moment, and she would not miss it. They had previously established that Kes would remain on their ship. It was much too risky to have the king with them. If they came back with no prince and a king barely hanging on by a thread, the entire kingdom of Yavin would make them pay. The ships were parallel, and she expected to meet the captain, but got approached by the brunette from the tavern. There was no way.

“Well, I can’t believe I’m facing you again. I’ll make this brief. King Kylo of Naboo is searching for a fugitive and I’m under his orders to investigate any vessel that I come across.” Zireael called out as she stepped onto the railing of her ship, Griff standing beside her as another stood beside the brunette.

“The king of Naboo has no say in this far out on the sea, but I will allow it. Make it quick.”

That should have been her first cue not to do it, but victory was in her clutch. Nothing else mattered in this moment to her. Nothing. They set the plank across to allow her and Griff to walk across. Her crew followed them. One false step and it was all over. The Kijimi crew offered no joy at seeing them on board and glared the minute that their boots touched the deck.

“I didn’t catch your name that night.” Zireael spoke as she readjusted her navy blue overcoat and held out her hand to Zorii. At least the ravenette was doing her best to appear civil to Zorii. She realized that the young woman didn’t want to even see at all. The eyes of her crew were burning into her and Griff’s forms. It didn’t matter to them. They were about to close another job, and that was all that mattered. Somewhere on this ship Prince Poe was hiding, but now it was time for him to come home.

“Zorii Wynn, I’m the captain of this ship.” She grasped Zireael’s forearm, and both of the women felt for any weapon that could be on the other. Convinced that they felt nothing on the other, they released their grip and gave each other a forced smile. Now it was time to investigate. She believed she hadn’t given Zorii any reason to suspect her purpose for being here. She believed that this wouldn’t take too long and that it would be an easy recovery, but she was ready either way. Giving the signal, Griff started below deck while she took the top. They could cover more of the ship this way and this would throw Zorii off the actual trail. She wouldn’t know who to follow. Without lingering on Zorii, the ravenette examined the deck and looked through anything that could hide someone. She investigated every crevice and cranny before she started on her way to the captain’s quarters. However, she noted Zorii was now trailing her, and that raised another flag to her. Zorii was hiding something.

Griff had completed a complete job hunting through the lower deck, despite all the resistance he had faced. They continued asking him why he was searching through everything and what he wanted. None of his answers pleased them. However, he had been interrupted by one girl, Marinda, and they had been taking part in a discussion that was being withheld from the others. The other members simply watched from afar and didn’t disturb them. After a few minutes, Griff made his way back to the top deck and went to find Zireael. He wondered if she had made any progress. The climb of the stairs seemed harder this time, and he dreaded the discovery that Zireael might have made.

He made certain to double check over the deck even though she was through, but he was letting take her time. This was going to be her moment, and he didn’t want to take that away. She truly deserved this, and he couldn’t wait to see how she handled it. He remained in the hall before striding into the captain’s quarters. However, the sight they greeted him with made him cease. There was the prince, gripping the hand of the captain, as Zireael simply looked at them. Zorii’s eyes found his, and he simply cleared his throat as Poe tore his eyes off of Zireael and to him. A flash of recognition shone in the prince’s eyes.

“I’ll ask you again. Where did you get that necklace?” Poe asked through gritted teeth. The necklace that Zireael wore was Ro’s necklace that he had given her the summer before he disappeared. That night had been special to both of them and for some stranger to wear it made him see red. It raised plenty of questions, and Griff could only shake his head.

“That is none of your concern!” Zireael’s voice trembled. She was losing control of herself. Her shield was coming down, and she was struggling to pull it all together. The last moments were upon them, and nothing was going as planned. Before anyone could register what was transpiring, Poe had seized the pleats of her coat and pressed her against the wall. This woman could have done something to Ro and stolen her necklace. The necklace that he had given her.

“Tell me!”

Zireael searched his brown eyes, and all she could see was fury. Her hand shook as she gently raised her hand up to her head. Grasping the top of her hair, she lifted off the raven wig and tossed it to the side. Fingers worked to pull out the pins and release the two burgundy braids. Griff shook his head while Zorii watched in confusion, not recognizing who this girl really was. It was all very confusing for her. However, the sight of Poe’s eyes lighting up at the sight almost went unseen. Her emerald hues searched his, and her hands moved out to cup his cheeks. Her thumbs brushing over his cheekbones.

“Poe. . .”

He leaned into her familiar touch and sighed. It had to be a dream. He had daydreamed of her gentle touch for practically three months, and here she was. It was happening, but it wouldn’t last long. He recognized that. Poe wished to hold her and never let her go. He wondered if his father was here with her. She had been searching for her since he had left, and that made his heart swell. She had crossed oceans and possibly suffered so much just to recover him.

“Ro.”

“Who is this, Poe? Get her off our ship! We don’t have time for this! We need to get back to Kijimi!” Zorii reached for Poe’s arm and led him back to her. Her eyes darkened as she studied with the girl who he called Ro. She had heard the stories of this princess, and here she stood. This was one that Zorii had been warned about, and she would not let Poe leave with her.

“Poe, you swore we would go back to Kijimi! We would change the kingdom! You can’t betray me!”

The tears were forming in Zorii’s eyes while Poe looked between her and Aurora. The young woman he had known since he was eight had come all this way to rescue him, and it tore him apart. Zorii’s pleads filled one ear, and Griff stood beside Ro. It didn’t take him long before he realized it was Ignis. His hair was darker, but he could somewhat see the braids that were hidden. Ro didn’t deserve any of this. She deserved far better, and he was different now. He had changed more than she could understand. The prince wasn’t the same, and he couldn’t expect her to accept that. He needed to stop putting himself first. He needed to think of her. It was time to do the right thing. Sighing, he straightened up beside Zorii and let out a nervous sigh.

“I’m sorry.”

It was at that moment that Ro realized Poe would not come back with them. He had taken another path that she wouldn’t be able to follow. This path would keep them apart for the rest of their days, and nothing would bring them back together. Her heart broke at the thought that this was going to be the last time that she would see Poe, and there was so much that she needed to tell him. However, she wouldn’t be able to, and it was tearing her apart. Her fingers were trembling at her sides, and all she craved to do was hug him again. She wanted to tell him that their engagement didn’t matter anymore, and she just needed her friend to come home. She wanted to beg Poe to just come home and be with Kes again. All the words were on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t force any of them out. Ignis kept his grip on her shoulder and lightly squeezed as they all watched at each other. They were only wasting time now.

“Me too.”

That was all she could say, and she wasn’t even sure if it made sense. It didn’t matter to her anymore. An arm draped around her shoulders and she was brought out of the quarters and back to the plank. Ignis stopped as he took her hand while she climbed up on the railing and crossed the slab. Her head was still high as she started the walk, and she didn’t let her own crew see she was defeated. She didn’t want them to see that she had lost and how upset that she actually was. No, she would make certain that they saw her as they always did. All that faded when Kes came to her and scanned around for Poe. All she could do was shake her head and wrap her arms around him tightly. Sniffling as she hid her face in his chest as she tried to hold back tears.

“I’m so sorry.”

The rain had started to fall and for once she couldn’t tell if it was her tears or if it was the raindrops.

xxxxx

Later that night, Poe sat up in the crow's nest, staring up at the sky. The rain had ceased some time ago, but he didn’t care either way. His eyes weren’t nearly as puffy now and couldn’t stop thinking about her. He could still see his father hugging her when he closed his eyes, but this was to protect them. Poe wasn’t the same anymore and had carried out unspeakable acts that would make his father more than disappointed. He was part of the Kijimi Fleet now, and that’s where he was going to remain. Maybe there would come a chance where he could come home and see them again. He might even see Ro again, but right now he couldn’t think of that. He couldn’t dwell on her. The moment he saw her hair, he almost forgot him. It was a simpler style, and he understood why, but missed seeing her hair in those styles. He had even noted how her cheeks held more freckles than he normally observed in the summer when they would see each other.

Zorii had ascended into the crow’s nest with him and for the first time, he realized how much of a tight fit it was. He did his best to scoot further away from her, but it wasn’t enough. Her head on his shoulder caused him to stiffen, and he didn’t care if she noticed. He didn’t care about much at this point and kept silent.

“Never betray me, Poe Dameron.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The encounter with Poe and Zorii hadn’t gone over how she planned at all. She would not reveal herself until after they had safely brought Poe back. However, her necklace had given her away. Ignis had advised her it would be a risk before they even left Yavin. However, Ro couldn’t make herself take it off. It had been a gift from Poe. Her last link to Poe and it had exposed her to him. There had been hope that when he realized it was her he would come back, but he simply apologized. She had gotten back on the ship and lied to Kes about not finding Poe.

Aurora had kept herself separate from everyone when she got back to the ship. Ro had even pushed Ignis away the moment they got back. She ordered him to oversee the journey home. It riddled her mind with so many questions, so many concerns, and thoughts of him. One thought that stood out to her was his warm brown eyes carried no light. They were so dull. Poe didn’t look like himself. That wasn’t the Poe she recalled. When he had realized who she was, there had been a small light, but it immediately diminished when Zorii spoke. What has taken place in these last three months? They had both changed, but she wasn’t certain if it had benefitted either of them. All she knew now was that she wanted to get to Yavin, then back to Cianna. She needed to be with her Da, momma, and her sister. Home. She craved home.

xxxx

Aurora remained between her father and Ignis as Kes addressed everyone about the prince’s disappearance. The chamber was remarkably warm, and she cursed her father for forcing her to wear this damn dress. It seemed to stick to her skin and trap all the warmth. Ro felt sick as she listened to the king. She had lied. She had lied to protect Poe and let him have his freedom. Her stomach coiled and churned. She could taste the bile building up and did her best not to get sick. Her index finger clawing at her skin around her thumbs, certain it was becoming red and irritated.

“However, I will honor Princess Aurora’s efforts in attempting to locate my son. I will honor her in the custom of her own kingdom.”

No. No. No.

Her green eyes grew with fear and she stared up at her father, who was just as shocked, and he nodded for her to go. She hadn’t earned a braid. No! That braid would be a lie! It wasn’t properly earned at all! Her knees trembled with each step that she took, head bending to Kes. Pressing her lips into a small smile, she shook her head to him.

“Your highness, I haven’t earned it. I could not bring the prince home to you and his people. I can not accept it.” She whispered as her eyes moistened once again. Kes shook his head before drawing her into a strong hug.

“You have earned more than you think. I will always consider you family.” He murmured into her ear. Her fingers twisted into his robes as she did her best to collect herself. Would he say that if he realized the truth? If he knew, she had lied to him and let Poe go with the Kijimi fleet. He drew back from the embrace and gently spun her to face the crowd.

“My braid won’t be as lovely as King Jaqen’s but I shall do my best.” He laughed, and the court followed. All but her. Instead, she looked down and struggled to keep herself from being sick. The moment that Kes gathered her hair and started a modest braid, she thought of Poe. What would he think about this? Would he tell his father how she had deceived him? How undeserving she really was. The darkness in her mind informed her that everybody knew she was a liar. They all knew, and they were simply mocking her. She would wear this braid and its weight would constantly be heavy with guilt. Shame that would remind her of how she deceived a king and his kingdom. The anxiety in her chest was growing and becoming tighter with each second. Ro wished to grasp his hands and scream at him to stop. She didn’t want this braid. Eventually, Kes had finished her braid and bound with her other ones. The whole chamber applauded and cheered for her, her vision blurring from the tears. These weren’t tears of happiness.

After the address finished, Ro dashed back to her room. Ransacking the room, looking for her dagger or anything to cut off the cursed braid. She opened every drawer and emptied its contents as tears streamed down her cheeks. Upon discovering a pair of scissors, she brought them to the base of the braid and looked in the mirror. Cut it. That’s all she had to do. Cut the damn braid and never think about it ever again. Her lip wobbled as she forced down another scream that had been scratching its way up her throat since she left Poe.

“Ro! Stop!” Ignis immediately slammed her door behind him and clutched her wrist. His other hand seized the scissors and set them on the dresser.

“Let me cut this damn braid, Ignis! I order you to let me cut the cursed thing!” Her fingers curved into tight fists as she tore them out of his grasp. Her nails dug into the skin of her palms.

“No! You earned it! Just because prince perfect didn’t come home is not your fault!”

“Shut up! Shut up! You don’t know him!”

“And you do? He left his kingdom, sailed with the Kijimi Fleet, and chose another girl over you! Poe has never loved you! Poe doesn’t love you, Aurora! He will never love you!”

She didn’t want to hear his remarks, and her hand came to caress her necklace. Shaking her head at Ignis because she couldn’t even find words. His words cut deeper than any blade could.

“No! You’re wrong!”

“Ro, please. I have watched since we were young. I see what you miss. Poe is selfish and will never love you. He established that long ago. Let go.”

Before she could stop him, Ignis had reached out and grasped her necklace. The leather was worn from all the exposure, and it took little for him to break it. However, he wasn’t expecting Ro to sink her nails into his skin as he seized it. He started towards the window and opened it. Her pleas were slipping out the window and without a second thought, he flung the necklace.

“There’s nothing to tie you to him anymore, princess.”

She collapsed to the floor as he quietly left her room. The breezing caused her to shiver before she brought a hand up to her lips. Biting down on a bent knuckle as she finally screamed. The other palm hitting the floor as she gave up control. Her teeth were leaving imprints on her skin and splitting the skin. The slight taste of copper on her tongue as she let the emotions escape her. Her tears hadn’t ceased, and her entire body rocked.

She felt numb.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Months after. . . .

A queen remained in her bed, struggling with each breath that she drew. Her hand tightly gripped by the husband that she adored, her children curled up beside her. The oldest princess wept the loudest, and her fingers tangled in her mother’s blouse. The princess was no stranger to loss anymore, but it wasn’t becoming easier. In fact, it was harder and harder. The father held his wife into a more comfortable position as she fought to brush their girls’ hair. Her fingers ran through their hair as she murmured a lullaby. With each breath she drew, they held theirs, scared it would be the last. When her eyes closed, their father took them back to their rooms and tucked them in, knowing that one of them would seek the other for comfort. He wasn’t shocked when he closed the oldest girl’s door and heard a wail so agonizing that he begged for the maker to ease her pain. The girl was moving and he could hear her destroying everything in her room, not caring what happened to it. She cursed every god that she had ever learned about. Her sobs and screams wracked through her lithe frame and she sank to her knees with her arms crossed and clutching her shoulders. Rocking back and forth as she let the tears spill down her cheeks. The kingdom all mourned that night, but none louder than she. However, they didn’t cry just for their beloved queen. They wept for her entire family, notably the oldest princess.

The snowy kingdom embraced the boy with wide arms, and the queen was overjoyed to have such a noble boy as her guest. She would offer him whatever he requested, craved, and desired, as long as he stayed. He would be taken care of. The girl held his hand as they walked the corridors of her home and taught him all that she could. However, it didn’t feel like home to him. No matter how many times the girl smiled at him, held his hand, or kissed him, it wasn’t enough. The queen’s gifts, dinners, and parties only drove him to miss home more. He missed the father that would give him advice and tease him. He missed his best friend that would always do his best to help him. However, the boy missed the girl that had always tried to be his friend; the girl was just as stubborn as he was; he missed her smile, her laugh, and more. Most importantly, he just missed her. When the news of another queen passing reached the snowy kingdom, the boy left in the dead of night. Not a word spoken to anyone. It was time to go home.

[svnarintaro]

Hiii I love your writing! I’m so glad ur requests are open again 😊 can I request a bakugou x reader x midoriya love triangle? They’ve all grown up together and the boys have feelings for reader, but she doesn’t know. Ofc bakugou and midoriya don’t hang out with her together, but they try to impress her and get jealous at times. Bakugou is surprisingly soft around her occasionally. The class knows about the love triangle and finds it amusing! Thank you! 💖 have a great day! 😊

stuck in the middle 

a/n: awww i’m so sorry that i am so slow to write requests now,, honestly it has been a lot with school going on, my smau and some of my health issues that have been flaring up but i try my best to get to these as soon as I can 

synopsis: as the childhood friend of bakugou and midoriya was one thing but being both of their crushes was another. the two of them fight to be the only one in your heart but who will suceed

word count: 1.3k

warnings: y/n is super oblivious in this one like jfdsklfj

pairings: bakugou katsuki x reader x midoriya izuku

“alright folks who wants to put down bets on the love triangle fiasco today?” mina loudly asked the rest of her classmates as they started talking about their predictions of what was going to happen this day, “honestly yesterday it was a close call with midoriya coming in with the idea to see his mom with him but bakugou is not that stupid..” sero thought out loud as denki did his choice through a coin flip. 

for the entire year the whole class has been betting on the ways that the two boys fought for your own attention, it was gong on for months now, they were all spying on the two top students in the class who was fighting over their own childhood friend. “morning everyone!” you smiled as you walked into the buzzing classroom. everyone said their greetings back as you walked over to the large group in the middle of the class, you were curious so you asked the simple question of, “what are you guys up to?” 

“well we’re betting on the love triangle-” denki was quickly cut off by kirishima elbowing him in the stomach. “between some characters in a show! right guys?” kirishima was practically begging for the others to go along with the lie. “oh! what show can i watch it with you guys?” your head slowly perking to the side. with sweat slowly forming on the palms of the other students a loud voice broke the silence. 

“what are you idiot extras doing in the middle of the damn classroom?” bakugou walked in with his hands in the pockets of his loose fitting pants. “oh hey kacchan!” you waved as everyone was too afraid to say that they were betting on his own love life. “y/n.. i told you not to call me that here..” the ash blond softly spoke. he knew better to yell at you, he knew better to be harsh towards you. 

you nodded and replied ‘yeah yeah,’ as if you were actually going to stop calling him his childhood nickname. the moment you started to chuckle at bakugou’s antics a certain green head walk into the room “hey izu! how are you doing?” you waved at him as he smiled and he put up a thumbs up as he was dragged away by iida and ochaco to start their own conversation. 

bakugou glared at deku, as deku nodded at him. ‘let the best man win.’

it was lunch hour and you started to pack up your stationary, while midoriya rushed over to invite you for lunch. you obviously said yes and added some perk into your step. “izu you have been mighty persistent to eat lunch with me.. if i didn’t know any better i would have the impression you like me.” you laughed out and walked in front of him to get into the line to get your food. what you didn’t know what that he really did like you.

ever since the two of you were children you were always to reassure him that he didn’t need a quirk to be a hero. since you always believed that heroes are people that make you feel safe. 

“izuku i know that you feel like you are not special cause you don’t have a quirk..” you sat down next to him on the stairs to his house. with tears flooding his eyes he looked up to meet your beautiful eyes, “but i believe you can be the best hero with or without a quirk. because a great hero is a person that helps and cares for others first before themselves.” you wrapped your arm around his shoulders. 

even as a child you knew what a true hero was and you really believed that the two of your friends were made to be heroes. 

his feelings grew more as the two of you grew up together. the moment he knew that bakugou liked you too he became determined to have your heart. you took his heart all those years ago and now he wanted yours.

the two of you got food and sat down together, indulging in small talk about almost anything. that was what you liked about midoriya, you could practially tell him anything and he would be super helpful and insightful. “-and that is why i use blue highlighter for everything.” you laughed out as midoriya raised an eyebrow as he was preparing his rebuttal. your phone buzzed and you flipped it over to see a text from bakugou. 

blasty idiot: do you want to get food after training tonight?

you smiled and said sure and asked if midoriya could come too. only to be shot down and you just shrugged it off. ‘maybe he just wants to tell me something important.’ you thought as you finally got back to midoriya’s reply to the highlighter debate. 

while on the other side of the room there was a jealous bakugou glaring at all the people in sight. 

after the training that the hero course required you caught bakugou leaning on a wall watching a hero fighting on his phone, “hey kacchan let’s go to the convenience store, you did say you wanted to get food right?” you made the poor boy jump a little bit and glare at you. “y/n stop poppin’ outta nowhere it’s getting freaky.” he slid his phone into his back pocket and started walking. 

“so how was your day my favourite blasty boi?” you teased and used a sing songy tone. you were so used to making fun of him as a chid he got used to it, as long as you don’t do it in front of anyone else. it was kind of your little secret the two of you only indulge in. 

a scowl appeared on katsuki’s face, “well.. someone pissed me off today.” he admitted with the flashbacks of you and midoriya laughing during the lunch break. “oh.. i’m sorry suki..” you patted his back and flashed him a huge smile. 

it was that same smile he longed to protect with his life. it was the same smile that inspired him to use his quirk for good. 

“kacchan i know you are a great person.” you smiled at him and wiped his tears off of his cheek. “you’re quirk is something that is special and it doesn’t make you a monster. you are powerful and i know that you can do great things!” you hugged him and with that all of his worries melted away and he knew that he needs to protect you.

his feelings never really developed it was as strong as the day you hugged him. he always loved your spirit and how happy you made him. “it’s nothing y/n.. let’s get you some food. you are really losing weight rapidly if you keep up your eating schedule.” he ruffled your hair softly and the two of you talked about your work and your progress. 

the two of you got ice cream bars and he walked you all the way home.

bakugou was soon to confront his known competition. “oi nerd get out here.” he called out to midoriya as he was walking into his gate. the green haired boy wearily went out to meet up with katsuki.  “yeah kacchan?”

katuski grabbed midoriya’s collar. “i know about your stupid crush on y/n but know that what she deserves is someone with a backbone so you don’t stand a chance against me.” the blond growled out. “well i don’t think she wants to be with someone who is kind of in over their head.” midoriya stood his ground. “we may be childhood friends but i won’t hesitate to do anything for her.”

with that katsuki harshly removed his hands off of the collar and started walking back to his own house but stopped to look back, “look let’s just settle it through her. she will choose who she truly desires.” and with that the two boys walked back to their own homes, determined to get the girl they loved.

[lovelylogans]

since virgil always reinforced health in wyliwf, does reverse! patton sneak kids goodies and stuff? (also if you have any more hcs for him because i love him so much he's babey!!!)

oh, absolutely, ten thousand percent. if you eat at patton’s diner, your kid’s probably gonna get a cookie, and there’s almost nothing you can do to stop him (barring, ofc, health issues or allergies, in which case he’ll find an alternative) and he Will give you a sweet treat, too

also, more reverse!patton hcs:

whereas in wyliwf, virgil dresses like luke does in canon (ie, flannels) patton in the reverse verse dresses in a combo of his outfit in canon (polos and cardigans) and the way i’ve described his sense of style in wyliwf (big fluffy sweaters)

tol. roumd. i’ve said these before but they are Very Important so i’m saying them again

patton’s diner sponsors a whole lot of kids sports teams!!! (not that virgil doesn’t—there’s a oneshot with that coming at one point—but patton seeks out kids teams to help, whereas the kids come ask virgil in wyliwf)

patton worries, sometimes, that his reputation as “Nicest Guy In Town” is unearned and undeserved—even though he does a lot of kind things, and a fair amount of them he does in a way he won’t get recognition for, he still harbors the feeling that he isn’t doing good enough.

you may not expect it just from looking at him, but patton really likes doing outdoorsy stuff like hiking and camping!!! he takes the occasional weekend to go out to a national park or some really pretty mountain and just. absorb nature.

proudest uncle!!! will bust out baby photos of his latest niece or nephew if you even slightly ask a question about his siblings

patton’s diner has vinyl barstools and booths, all of which are sky blue!!!!

[madisonrooney]

hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit.  ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

[wintergotham]

guide to improve/build your skincare routine for good results; (+ without ruining your wallet!) @wintergotham on twitter

➡️⚠️ what matters most is the way & order you use your products + what ingredients they contain. you don’t need to buy new products for your skincare to work better. but including new & better things slowly will help tremendously ofc. & price doesn’t mean quality

the first most important things that help without buying new shit:

- hygiene (clean sheets, hands, face, towel ect..)

- being gentle (tapping, rubbing softly upwards motions, ringfinger under eyes)

- the order in which you apply your products (from thinest to thickest + you need to layer products bc one will never help your skin enough to improve)

- exfoliation for better results (explained down below)

↪️ then, you need to figure your skin out:

- what skin-type do you have (oily, dry, combination?) also your skin-type can change through the years or for different reasons like the weather or traveling.

- what are your main issues? (moisture, hyperpigmentation, acne, blackheads, blocked pores, wrinkles, dry patches, rashes etc..)

- do you have health issues + other factors that might affect your skin? (hormones, diet, or just a health problem) -> speak to your doctor about it. hormonal acne won’t be treated by products!

finally, the types of products/ingredients that you should use/include in your skincare:

— include ACTIVE ingredients (some are known as acids): depending on what you need to achieve YOU NEED to have some actives most commonly found in serums but also moisturizers & toners. some of these are:

⏩ hyaluronic acid: helps the skin retain moisture, is anti-aging and just overall plumps the skin and brightens it a a bit -> suitable for ALL skin types

⏩ glycolic acid: is an exfoliant and deep cleansing acid that often comes into toners of different strengths (7-8%). helps with a number of things

⏩ salicylic acid: helps with acne, cleaning the pores, soft exfoliation ect...

⏩ others that are exfoliating but in different ways are lactic & mandelic acids. mandelic is softer and better for sensitive skin.

⏩ vitamin C: brightens the skin are reduces hyperpigmentation & dull skin, also helps you spf work better in the morning.

⏩ retinol/retinoids (vitamin A): is a very strong active that can be irritating if used in a high percentage (2.5%). is one of the only ingredient actually proven to help with wrinkles & acne. so it’s def a must for more mature skins & must be used at night or followed by an spf because it makes the skin sensitive. (i have yet to try this!!!)

those acids and any other actives can be mixed in products for example a lactic + hyaluronic serum or a cream with glycolic & HA.

⚠️ there are many other active ingredients & acids that do other things (like niciamide + zinc that i use for acne & blocked pores or caffeine solution for pigmentation & de puffing.

they all do a lot of different things that i didn’t fully explain here so just look it up & refer to the instructions or ingredients of the products you bought. a good brand & affordable one for actives is the ordinary! they explain what each product does but most brands have more and more actives nowadays! also some of them make the skin sensitive to the sun so always use sunscreen afterward (part below of why sunscreen is important) ⚠️

▶️ acids can also come in stronger forms that will be used as peeling solutions aka stronger exfoliants aka chemical exfoliant whereas physical exfoliant would be something like a scrub ->

🍓 why exfoliation is important

it will take all the dead skin off the top layer of your skin which will:

- reduce dark spots/hyperpigmentation

- reduce textured skin

- keep your pores clean

- & MOST IMPORTANTLY will help your products sink it better & WORK better. so it will help for everything along the way.

acids are the most gentle way to exfoliate but some physical scrubs are also good. sugar & olive oil is a good DIY version! just always keep it gentle & avoid walnuts type scrubs as they are abrasive & create micro-tears into your skin because they’re not perfectly round.

— include vitamins! (based on what you need, mix them, find them in products, use some in the AM or PM ect... )

- vitamin E: hydrating, anti-aging ECT.

- vitamin C: brightening, helps with hyperpigmentation & protection to the sun

- vitamin b5: helps the skin retain moisture

- vitamin A: also known are retinols/retinoids: helps for many things and is proven to work for acne, anti-aging ect (i still havent tried it but i hear it’s quite strong so you have to start slow by diluting it or getting low percentage)

- ECT. many other ones— look it up also EAT your vitamins: in food or supplements depending on what you’re deficient in= see your docor

☀️ SUNSCREEN:

the sun is the most damaging, drying thing. it causes wrikles and makes every skin issue worst or creates it. look it up for further research but any dermatologist always recommends using spf in the AM. your skincare won’t be as effective or even work if you don’t protect your skin ESPECIALLY while using actives. spf can be included in moisturizers, foundations, powders, sprays ect so take advantage of that and still use it when there is no sun/winter time just at a lower SPF! 30-50 is good for summer and 15-30 is good for winter. just look & test & see what works for you. make sure that your SPF is both UVA (aging rays and present all year) & UVB (burning rays and less present in winter) protective.

natural ingredients:

- oils (literally all of them are amazing and they all do different things and some are better for different skintypes): some of my favorites are olive, rosehip, almond, grapeseed, squalane, jojoba, ect.) but it depends on the person & some are better for hair (like coconut)

- essential oils (tea tree)

- butters (shea, almond ect.)

- plant extracts (aloe vera)

- floral waters (rose water, orange blossom)

- ECT (i’m lazy to elaborate rn but these are often in creams and are the absolute best.) you can also DIY your own cream/oil (i always do my oils depending on how my skin is/needs so i switch up the ingredients or increase/decrease)

- glycerin & silicones are good and help for moisture retention

these are all good for you so just look at the ingredients and see if it has some of those.

extra little tips:

the order of skincare should be:

- removing makeup & dirt of the day (oil cleansing or micelar water is best. wipes are bad)

- clean with a soap (there’s bar soaps (my fav is black african and the illumination from aroma-zone aka a french brand but there’s also gel, cream, foaming cleansers ect... )

- perfect time for a clay mask or exfoliant (2-3 times a week)

- toner

- essence/sheet mask

- serum or active/treatments: i either use one or layer a couple or even mix a couple.

- moisturizer (gel-creams first then thicker ones later)

- and finally oils or butters last.

- lipbalm/lipcare n little extra steps

you don’t have to do all these steps or even can do several of the same one (for example use 2 toners & two creams n skip the rest as long as the ingredients and results are these) or you can use only a few ect. but always make sure to clean, moisturize, protect & treat with any of the things on top. don’t change/include all at once and work on making work/understanding the products you already own.

⚠️⚠️ DISCLAIMER: i’m not a professional but learned all of this from professionals. i havent spoken of every single ingredients of product just the « in depth basics » that work so if i didn’t include sometime i’m SORRY but you can still ask me or a professional or look it up.

🥀🌻🍊 THE END. hope it helps. love, nada. x @wintergotham on twitter.

[kintatsujo]

Like you gotta remember about webcomics (and fanprojects too, for that matter)

It's rare that they have teams larger than three people, and those people are likely to be close enough that one person's shit becomes the other's shit

So when something goes wrong in someone's life there is usually NO ONE to step up and cover the job

Unlike a larger studio of any kind, even an indie one; a project with even as few as five people has a more stable model and it increases exponentially with every person you add after that

(barring interpersonal conflict ofc)

With a team of three or less your project is much likelier to fall prey to things like one person's untreated mental health issues, someone's medical emergency, pet emergencies, family emergency or even just family members or friends refusing to support the project and demanding the time that person is trying to give to it (that's happened to me from two different people), trouble at one's day job, etc etc etc

I'm not saying all this as discouragement!!

But we need to be patient with creators, both on the audience and production end. I need to be more patient with myself, for example.

Sometimes you can even offer help! If the issue is something a creator has a clear idea of the solution for, or if you just want to offer an ear, things like that can really be important.

Sometimes just leaving positive commentary on the project, no matter how old, is enough.

It's something to keep in mind.

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date 

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips 

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer 

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work 

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week! 

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing! 

[bloominghands]

                                  HOW I RUN MY BLOG

SPEED.        incredibly, horribly slow, almost inactive. For a very long time, I’ve been dealing with severe depression that just absolutely saps my will to do anything at any given notice. It affects me just as much irl & As much as I may have muse or inspiration, sometimes I just physically can’t open my laptop and reply. And by sometimes I mean often. I also have terrible memory and can forget about things, to which I ask my partners to gently remind me about things if they want to continue something and I haven't replied in a while. 

REPLIES / DRAFTS/STARTERS.       pls see above. I usually draft every reply to me that I see but because of my mental health issues, it often feels like there’s an immovable obstacle between me and actually getting into my drafts to do them. So while I might 100% have every intention of replying, I sometimes just can’t. That is, until I somehow/someway receive a sudden burst of motivation (usually at 2am + like I have now ) Where I’ll reply to as many things as possible and then go back into hibernation. I promise I’m working on it. I desperately want to reply to more things, but sometimes it’s just hard. 

INBOX.      also like above, I hoard asks. I see prompts that I want to reply to and reblog them, but once I get some asks about it I’ll reply in my head and then never actually get to them and they get buried and I feel terrible like people think I’m ignoring them. I swear I’m not. I’m just terrible at physically responding. But eventually like I mentioned, I’ll get bursts of energy and respond to a bunch. I’ve still got birthday asks from February to answer send help.

SELECTIVITY.       i am mutuals only. PLEASE CHECK AND SEE IF WE ARE MUTUALS. It means that I have to be following you back for me to respond to you. (click your followers button and type in my url to the little search bar in the upper right corner and hit enter to check)

   if I’m following you, it means I want to write with you. If I’m not, it means I don’t. & I’m sorry but some people I just don’t want to write with/don’t feel out styles would mesh well/ or sometimes I’m just not interested in someone's muse. It sounds really harsh but that's a fact true for everyone, and it can really hurt when you want to write with someone and they don’t follow back, but you’ve got to learn to let it go no matter how hard that is, and not poke and prod someone about it. That's just gonna make you both miserable.

    i also wont answer IC asks from non-mutuals. ooc/anon questions about/for Robin are more than welcome, but please don’t send me in character asks if I’m not following you.  

WISHLIST.        i’d love to write more with my aus tbh. 

HONEST NOTE.        i’m gonna be fully 100% honest with this. I love shipping. I love writing romance and smut and angst and all of the shit that comes with it and a lot of my blog revolves around that. It’s not all I like to write of course, but it is my favorite. I like shy ships, passionate ships, toxic ships (tagged ofc) and can ship almost anything with Robin. 

   HOWEVER Despite trying to communicate as much as possible, I can get a little overzealous sometimes and because of my mental health issues, it can be hard for me to determine interest through text alone and I have had issues with that in the past, and I can own up to that now. Therefore I IMPLORE my partners when they’re just not feeling something, to not just go along with whatever, and to talk to me. I won’t be mad, I won’t try to guilt you into continuing. If anything, Sure, I might be disappointed, but that's no reason not to speak up. Your comfort is ALWAYS more important than my disappointment and my enjoyment. 

  & this, of course, applies to things outside of shipping but speaking specifically for now, if you are uncomfortable for any reason, please let me know. I can’t read someone's mind and beg that you communicate with me clearly for both of our comfort and enjoyments sake. 

  lastly, I love my followers.& Though my attachment to this blog has been unhealthy at times in the 6+ years I’ve run it, you all have always been so kind and patient and understanding with me, and I appreciate that more than you know. I’m trying to better myself and my life irl right now and will hopefully be getting healthier and be able to be more active in a consistent way. Thank you all so much for supporting me. It means the world and ilu ♡