#based on how i feel about wednesday im thinking maybe its not as bad as ppl are saying either | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rommahh · 3 years

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I Carry It In My Heart

Word count: 4.7k

I thank everyone who read part one, it meant so much to me to see the love it got. Heres part two, please comment, like reblog, whatever I just wanna hear your thoughts! I also plan on making smaller blurbs of this universe with fratrry. I have plans for a graduation, wedding, babies, and other random blurbs of their lives. Much love, R.

Part One

Y/N’s drive home was quiet. She drove the whole six hours just listening to her thoughts. Thinking about the future of a relationship she had so much hope for. She wanted this relationship so much and seeing Harry before leaving campus reassured her that maybe just maybe, Harry wanted what she wanted too.

Six hours went by and Y/N finally arrived home. She lived on a very secluded farm with her mom, dad, grandparents, uncles/aunts, and cousins. Everyone lived along the property making the family tight knit. She was scared to reveal to her family that she wasn't with Harry anymore. He grew to be a very important part of the family. Everyone saw how beautiful Harry and Y/N’s relationship was. They could see how close they were and how they just shared a really unique connection with each other.

Getting out of her car, Y/N took a moment to stretch her legs before she was bombarded by her family. Hands were pulling her into hugs, kisses were being planted on her cheek- she never felt more loved in her life. She didn't realize she was crying until her mom held her face between her hands wiping the free flowing tears from the young girl's face. The family left the mother and daughter alone to reconnect.

“What is wrong with my baby?” Her mother cradled her face as she sobs.

“Mommy, we broke up. Me and Harry broke up and- and i'm exhausted from exams, and i'm so hungry!” Y/N’s hysterics caused her mom to chuckle. She helped grab Y/N’s belongings from the trunk and then led the girl into the house. As Y/N wiped the tears from her face she hiccuped trying to catch her breath.

With her bags in her room, Y/N sat at the kitchen table as her mom placed a bowl of chilli in front of her. Her mom sat beside her rubbing her back encouraging her to eat and regain some energy.

“Tell me what happened hon?”

“We got in a really bad fight after he kissed another girl. He basically said that I was overreacting. I tried to tell him that my reaction was merely based on how I feel about our future relationship. He laughed at me and said he wasn't thinking about the future of our relationship. Tha-” She choked up again “-that this wasn't a future he wanted.” Y/N sniffled into her food as her mom guided food into her mouth.

“It's ok hon. Let me tell you something, you and Harry will be fine. It may seem like this is the end but it's not. You will get through this because you guys were made for each other. From the way that you guys know each other's thoughts to the way that you both can read each other with no problem- you two were meant to be. Me and your pa went through our own issues but look at us now. We are solid. Baby, you two will be solid.” Y/N’s mom smoothed the hair on her daughter's head smiling at the young girl.

Y/N thought about her mothers words. Hearing her mom say those things about her relationship made her feel a little better. Her mother kissed her on the forehead and told her to get to bed and get some rest.

Y/N walked into her room and immediately her eyes were drawn to the gift Harry got her. She didn't remember bringing it in her room but there it sat in all of its glory. The gold wrapping paper on the box contrasted with the dark wood of her dresser. The envelope adorned with Harry's name written in cursive.

She was tempted to open the gift but at the same time she couldn't bring herself to even touch the gift. She kept thinking about the moment she shared with Harry in the parking lot. How he made time to see her before she left. How he found time to get her a gift and bring it to her. She grabbed the gift, shoving it into the top drawer of the dresser.

As Y/N lied in her bed that night, wrapped in a blanket Harry bought her, she couldn't run her mind off. She wanted to be with Harry but she was scared of his lack of commitment. She doesn't understand his sudden lack of commitment. She mentioned marrying him in the future and he freaked out on her. It hurt to know that in a quick second, he could change his mind.

Closing her eyes she went to sleep thinking about her brown haired, green eyed boy whose heart she carries with her at all times.

Y/N felt better to be back home on the farm. This semester had mentally drained her to the point where she felt like she had nothing within herself to give. She sat in the barn behind the house watching the chickens run around as she remembered the first time Harry visited the farm.

“No Harry, you just grab them from underneath. Like cup your hands and grab!” Y/N hollered to her boyfriend as he chased chickens around trying to grab them. He couldnt get his hands on a chicken but hearing his girlfriend laughing made it all worth it. Here he was dressed in overalls while chasing chickens.

“Bubs, I cant get one.” He pouted walking back over to Y/N.

“You don't have the talent I have.” She walked over to a resting chicken and grabbed it with ease. Tucking the chicken under her arm, she scratched the top of the chicken's head and walked over to where Harry was standing in shock.

“You are something else!” She set the chicken down, watching it run away. Harry grabbed her arm, twirling her around to face him. She placed her arms atop his shoulders, fingers playing with the small curls of his head. His arms wrapped around her waist squeezing her close to him.

It was a beautiful morning on the farm. Fall break on full blast and instead of Harry going back home, he just decided to come see where his girlfriend lives. They were sophomores now, entering almost a year of dating. This had been one the best almost years of their lives.

Harry placed a gentle kiss on her plush lips. She smiled, kissing him back.

“I love you Harry.” She said, staring at his eyes. His eyes opened wide. He stepped back from her and then started jumping up and down out of happiness. He threw her over his shoulder and started running through the blades of grass like the chickens he was trying to catch earlier. Setting her down on her feet she giggled at his antics.

“I cant believe you just said that. Im so fucking in love with you. So in love.” He said squishing her cheeks together, puckering her lips and smacking a wet kiss on her mouth.

“Ew Harry gross.” she giggled as he continued to place wet slobbery kisses over her face.

Y/N was so happy to bring Harry home. She wanted to show her family this new boy that had completely captivated her heart. He fit in with her family perfectly, making jokes, helping with dinner, playing with the little ones. He was family.

Walking into the house, she was greeted with the familiar smell of her grandma's famous peach crumble. She went into the kitchen sitting at one the stools watching her grandmother whip around the kitchen baking a slew of desserts.

“Hey lovebug, you go out and see your chickies?” Her grandmother asked, never losing focus of what she was doing.

“I did, they are all growing up so quick.” Y/N laid her head down on the table staring out of the window. Head fuzzy with anxiety and muddled thoughts.

“What happened to Harry?” Y/N’s head popped off of the table as she looked at her grandmother in confusion.

“How did you know something was up?”

“You're my grandbaby, I know everything about you. You've also been moping around my house so I knew something had happened.” She took a bowl down from the cabinets scooping a hot piece of peach crumble in the bowl and placed it in front of Y/N.

“Yeah, me and Harry split up. We just had a bad fight that put us in a weird place. He cheated on me.” She scooped crumble into her mouth trying to distract herself from her sadness.

“Oh love bug. I'm really sorry about that. Did you guys talk at all?” Placing a pie in the oven, her grandmother took a seat next to Y/N stealing a bite of crumble.

“He actually said goodbye to me before I came home. He gave me a Christmas gift too. I don't know, we didn't really say much. I miss him though. He was drunk when he cheated on me, which isn't an excuse but I think he was taken advantage of. I'm not mad about him cheating on me. I was mad at how he reacted to me. Like I was in the wrong for thinking about our relationship in the long run.”

“I understand. Can I be honest with you?” Crumble gone now, Y/N turned her body to face her grandmother. She shook her head to say yes. “You and Harry will be ok. It feels like the end right now but it isn't. It really isn't. I watched you two all of that one break and I saw a resilient couple who were going to go so far. This bump in the road can be fixed. Baby that boy looks at you like you are the whole universe.” You blushed at her words.

“What do I do then?”

“Well, I think you guys should enjoy this break. Take the time to reflect on what your relationship was and what it could be. Harrys going to go home and be surrounded by family as you are now, just let yourself enjoy that time. When he comes back for school, meet up again and talk. You both are adults- you know what to do.” You took in your grandmother's words. She always knew what to say.

“Why is it that you and mom always give me advice over food?” You laughed as she winked at you kissing you on the cheek.

“Food always makes people listen.”

When Wednesday finally arrived, Harry couldn't have been happier to go home. He had been on campus all alone and just feeling like shit. Maybe it was karma for how he treated Y/N. His heart felt hollow and even though he saw her before she left campus, he knew they still weren't ok. He wanted nothing more than to just be ok with his girl. The girl who makes him feel happiest on his darkest days. He doesn't understand how he would have ruined something so perfect.

At his gate at the airport, Harry sat staring at his phone waiting for something. He didn't know what he was waiting for. He didn't deserve anything, especially because of how bad he messed up. He didn't plan on seeing Y/N last friday before she left but he didn't want to go home without seeing her face. He also spent all night writing her a letter that laid down his thoughts. He also wanted to give her a gift. He bought it at the beginning of the semester back home. He knew it was perfect for her the second he saw it.

“Welcome to British Airways, we are now boarding all priority passengers.”

Harry stood up collecting his carry on and started walking to the line forming in front of the gate. He checked his phone again. Nothing.

As the line moved forward. He checked again. Nothing.

He scanned his ticket. Checked again. Nothing.

Situating himself in his seat on the airplane, Harry didn't even bother checking his phone knowing nothing was there. He clicked his seatbelt over his lap and opened the window beside him to look outside.

His phone buzzing pulled him out of his thoughts. His breath hitched, heart lurching. Pulling his phone out of his pocket he turned the screen on.

To: Harry, from: Bubs<3

Have a safe flight Harry

Harry's eyes welled with tears.

To: Bubs<3, from: Harry

Thank you, love. It means a lot.

To: Harry, from: Bubs<3

I miss you Harry

A few of those tears tipped over the edge now rolling down his face.

To: Bubs<3, from: Harry

I miss you so much baby

And that was it. But that was all Harry needed to feel something again.

Y/N didn't know what compelled her to text Harry. She knows her grandmother told her to take some time but she just wanted to reach out to him. She wanted him to know that she was still here. She was still thinking of him and still wanted this. Whatever ‘this’ was.

Christmas eve came quickly, Y/N’s house filled with family members, food, and little children running around wreaking havoc. Y/N was sitting in her room staring at the drawer where the gift from Harry hid. She was scared to open it. Pushing that fear to the side, she walked over the drawer opening it and grabbing the box and envelope. She put the gift in her purse before grabbing her keys. She couldn't open the gift here. She needed to go somewhere quiet.

She said a quick goodbye to her parents and left the house in a hurry. She found herself parked at a small store's parking lot a few miles away from her house. She kept the car on for the heat but turned off the christmas tunes she had playing low in the background.

She opened her purse to pull the envelope out. Carefully ripping the top of the envelope she pulled out a stack of items. In the envelope were four photos and a handwritten letter. She saved the letter for last.

The first photo was of Harry and Y/N sitting on a bean bag in the library. Harry had the camera outstretched above their heads, Y/N with her face buried in a text book. This was taken in their first year during their first exam week. They were not exclusive yet but their friends knew how close they were- there was no one coming between the two of them. Y/N had been so stressed that week so Harry invited her to the library to eat lunch and study together. He helped her through some science homework which helped dramatically on her exam.

The second image was of Harry and Y/N at their favorite restaurant off campus. It was taken during their sophomore year during their one year anniversary. It was the week before spring break and they had just finished a round of midterms. Harry surprised her with a trip to her favorite restaurant. The waiter offered to take the picture because of how adorable the couple looked. In the picture they were holding hands, smiling wide to the camera. Y/N eyes welled up at how happy they looked together.

The third pic was taken during an event on campus at the end of their freshman year. It was a piece and love festival where different clubs hosted fun activities in hopes of promoting unity on campus. In the picture, Harry and Y/N were holding up braided string bracelets with beads that said their partners name. They always wore those bracelets after that day. Y/N looked down at the slightly faded bracelet on her wrist. Harrys name on her wrist reminding her that he is always with her no matter what. Cheesy as it may be but the cheap string with plastic was something she would never part with.

The last picture was taken on Y/N’s farm. It was by the barn where Harry and Y/N were chasing chickens. It was taken from a high angle from afar. Harry had her on his shoulder and they were both visibly laughing. They had matching overalls with embroidery done by Y/N's aunt. On the back of the picture, Y/N could recognize Harry's handwriting as it said, “Your Grandma emailed me this picture when we got back to campus. She said that she couldn't help but take the picture when she saw how happy you looked.” Y/N laughed at his sloppy handwriting and her grandmother's words.

The last piece of the envelope was the letter. Y/N slowly unraveled the folded paper, smoothing out the crinkles. Taking a deep breath she began reading.

Y/N,

In my eyes, our future is filled with love. I see us buying a small house in your home town because I know you love home. I know you also said you may want to live in a city so if our plans were to change, I could see us living in a small apartment, decorated by you of course, with bookshelves that towered to the ceiling and many plush blankets littering the rooms. I see us working hard during the day and enjoying each other during the evening when we come home. I see bubble baths and fun new dinner recipes. I see me bringing you flowers to brighten your day from a long day of work. I see us travelling to all of the places you have pinned on your “for the future” pinterest board. I see us having a small wedding, my family, your family, some friends and that's it. I'd let you do whatever you like for the wedding because I want to see you happy.

I see little ones. Direct copies of you and me running around in the backyard as we try chasing them and tickling them. I see bedtime stories and fun days at the park. Picnics in the meadow and swimming in the lake. Catching chickens and rough housing with the goats. Pasta sauce around the mouth after a good meal. Frozen yogurt with all of the toppings. I see everything with you. There's not a moment where I don't see us together. I think about our graduation and where we will be after graduation.

I see a future with you and I was an ass to say otherwise. You are everything to me. I should be doing more for our relationship like I used to. I want to take you out on more dates and shower you in gifts because you deserve it. I love you so much. Please don't give up on me and all of the memories we've created. I want it all with you.

School has been hurting me pretty bad and I took it out on you. I cheated on you because I was too drunk to think properly. I hurt the only person whose opinion I hold higher than anyone else's. We built a beautiful relationship of trust and boundaries and I ruined it for no reason. I want to do better. Please let me show you that I can do better.

I found this poem that reminded me of you. I know you like poems and this poem speaks for me wholly.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Have a lovely break and I hope to be able to see you after.

Love Harry.

His letter left the girl speechless. He said everything she wanted to hear. Looking at her phone she checked the time.

7:36 pm

Its about 12 am in london.

Without a second thought she opened Harry's facetime profile and pressed the call button.

Ring. Ring. Ri-

“Love? Are you alright? Did something happen?” Harry was quick to answer, looking half awake and flustered. Y/N broke down in tears immediately. “Y/N are you ok, baby?”

“Harry.” She wailed. It was embarrassing but all of the pent emotion she was holding in finally breached. She couldn't stop crying. Harry sat up from his laying down position in bed holding the phone closer to his face to inspect his girl.

“It's ok bubs, whatever it is, it's ok. I promise it's ok.” Harry tries consoling the girl. Her tears reduced to small sniffles.

“I read your letter Harry. It's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I want it all with you too. I've always wanted it with you. Since the day we met Harry.” He let out a watery laugh so overwhelmed with emotions. She wiped her face of tears looking back at the letter next to her.

“Y/N I love you so much. I do. I know I'm not that good at expressing my emotions but I do want a future with you. I'm hurting knowing I hurt the best thing that's ever happened to me.” His tears continued to flow freely.

“It's ok Harry. I'm not mad anymore. I'm not hurt either I promise. I think I was more upset that we were done. I don't want us to be done. I really don't.”

“I don't want us to be done either. I really want to marry you. Maybe not right now but in time I wanna get married.” He paused, wiping his face. “I wanna get married on your farm, maybe put the chickies in little tuxedos.” She giggled at his proposition.

“They would hate you even more if you did that.” They shared a laugh and then some silence. “I guess it's technically Christmas over there huh? Well Merry Christmas H.”

“It is christmas isn't it? Merry Christmas bubs. Did you open the box?” She grabbed the box next to her to show Harry shaking her head. She unwrapped the paper and revealed a box with a logo she wasn't familiar with.

“What's this?” He encouraged her to keep opening the gift. Lifting the top of the box she let out a loud gasp upon seeing a beautiful gold bracelet sitting on a satin pillow. She placed her phone on the phone stand on her dashboard so she could have both hands to look at the bracelet. The bracelet was gold and thin with a nameplate in the middle. Engraved on the nameplate was Harry's name.

“You went silent on me...Do you like it?” Y/N couldn't stop looking at the bracelet in her hand.

“Harry...It's gorgeous. It's so gorgeous.” She whispered. She slid the perfectly fit bracelet on her hand watching it fall in front of her handmade bracelet. The two bracelets adorned her wrist perfectly. “I love you so much H.”

“I love you too, I do. I can't wait to see you in person and talk.” He replies with his heart clenching in a good way, watching his girl smile happily at her gift.

“Om bubby, I'll let you go to sleep. I love you, spend time with your family and then come back to me as the same Harry I fell in love with.” He smiled, whispering goodnight and hanging up.

Going home that night, Y/N’s family watched her come back into the house walking lighter on her feet and looking happier than she did when she came home from school. She showed her bracelet off to her parents as her grandmother made her a plate of food. She smiled at everyone and talked the whole night. Her grandmother watched from afar feeling her heart fill with joy at her granddaughter's happiness.

As Christmas break went on Harry and Y/N continued to keep their relationship moving slowly. Only calling each other once a day and giving each the much needed space to heal with their respective family. Y/N facetimed him on christmas giving him a youtuber esq. Haul of all of her gifts while he laughed at her silliness. He did the same thing with half the enthusiasm.

As move in day approached, Y/N felt herself becoming worried about her relationship. She worried that when she saw Harry, their relationship would slowly deteriorate. Little did she know that she had no reason to be so afraid. Harry was on his flight back to school ready to hug and hold his girl. He was ready to reunite and be the couple they used to be. He was ready to be a better partner for his girl.

“Alright girly, looks like we got everything squished in your car. Are you sure you've got everything?” Y/N’s mom asked sarcastically. Y/N huffed shoving another bag in the passenger seat.

“Yup that should be it.”

“Ok, well you give me a hug and get going.” Y/N rushed into her mom's arms. Her mom kissed her on the forehead and left Y/N and her grandmother to talk on their own.

“Bye grandma, i'm going to miss you.” Her grandmother held her arms tight.

“You get back to campus and see that boy ok? You go and be in love. You too are old enough to know what you want and this relationship is something you obviously both want.”

Kissing her grandma goodbye, she got in her car and started her drive back to school.

It only took Y/N one trip from her car to her dorm to unload all of her belongings. She was able to snag one of the big trolleys to push her things inside. She watched as friends reunited, she even said hi to a few of her friends but her mind was set on one person. She grabbed her wallet and phone from her dorm and left quickly on a journey to get to Harry’s frat.

The air was cool but Y/N felt warm from how quickly she was booking it to Harry. Harry, just like Y/N, immediately left his room to see Y/N. Having not seen her in a month and some of exam week- he couldn't wait to see her. Harry saw Y/N’s familiar face walking down the sidewalk of his frat and he stopped in his tracks. She smiled her bright, beautiful smile before running over to where he stood. Her arms hooked around his neck as his arms adjusted around her waist. He stumbled a bit from the force of her hug but stood his ground nonetheless.

She held him tight, legs bound around his waist, a few stray tears falling from her eyes. He held her just as tightly, hands tightly holding her thighs and back.

“Hi bubby.” She said in his ear, face burrowed in his neck. He set her down and reached for her face.

‘Hi baby.” She blushed at his nickname. They looked into each other's eyes and time froze like it always did between them. Y/N broke theri moment by pulling his face to hers. They kissed like they hadnt kissed in years. To them the time they spent away from each other felt like years. Their lips fit together like puzzle pieces. Pulling apart, Harry stared down at his heart, tears begging to be free. He opened his mouth to say something and she stopped him.

“It's ok Harry. My baby, it's ok. We are ok.”

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

Taglist: marlananicole17

#harry styles x reader #frat!harry #i carry your heart #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles #harry styles x y/n #college!harry #harry styles smut #fratrry #boyfriend!harry

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dylshoney · 5 years

Text

when you’re ready

requests: maybe a shawn fic based on “when you’re ready” but you’re not the girl he sung about? and the girl shows up 10 years later and tries to get him back and you guys have been together for like 3 years and it just causes insecurities ?? does this make sense?? (love your work btw❤️)

Hellurrr! I have a request, if you will? TW Anxiety Attack Like if the female!reader has an anxiety attack because she thinks she's not good enough so Shawn helps her and holds her?

a/n: this was my first time trying to write angst (cause im usually an optimistic ass bitch) so if its bad just lie and scroll post ahahaha but i wanted to try and @superiorsoph sent this request in and i couldnt resist. im sorry i didnt follow it exactly, but i hope you like it love.

warnings: language, angst

“Stay still!”

You hear him say for the umpteenth time, but you pretend not to hear him, twirling around in the dress, laughing and shaking your hips.

He makes noises of disgruntlement and soon you hear the shutter of his camera go off, the flash blinding you for a few seconds, but you don’t care. You glide over to the full-length mirror on one side of the store and smile at your reflection. He was right, the dress is gorgeous.

You push down the fabric, loving the smoothness under your fingers and twirl once more. You can see Shawn roll his eyes in the reflection, but you can see the hint of a smile threatening to peak through. He places his camera back in the casing and walks over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist, leaning down to press his head on your shoulder.

You’re both silent for a moment, just staring at the pair of you in the mirror. You hum, your head falling back into him, “I think we found the one.”

“I told you I’d be useful,” he tuts, pinching your hip. You flinch, turning around to smack his chest, “You only just started being useful. The past hour has been torture.”

He’s laughing, the beautiful crinkles on his face making your heart melt but you love teasing him, so you can’t give in just yet, “Trying on twenty dresses definitely wasn’t necessary.”

“No.” He agrees, smiling down at you with a shit- eating grin. “But we had to test all out options, didn’t we?”

You shake your head, turning back around to see yourself in the reflection, triple-checking that this was the right choice.

“You have to delete those photos, you know?”

“No!” He sounds almost offended. “Those are memories, there’s no way I’m getting rid of that.”

“But I look horrid,” you pout, blinking innocently.

“Don’t give me that face,” he shakes his head, “They’re all blurry anyway.”

You grin victoriously, winking at him, “The music in here is just too good – I couldn’t resist.”

He pauses for a moment, raising his finger to the ceiling, eyebrows raised. You focus on the sound of #Selfie by the Chainsmokers, your ears getting hot as you begin to nod slowly, “It has a nice rhythm?”

He shakes his head, but you’re already dancing again – thankful that there was no one else in the store on an early Wednesday morning.

“If you dance like that tonight, I’m going to pretend I don’t know you.”

You ignore him, taking his large hand into yours and spinning into him, his laughter getting louder as the two of you stumble around together.

The music changes to Troye Sivan’s Dance to This and you squeal a bit, getting overly excited as the two of your start shouting the lyrics at the top of your lungs. You can see the nice sales associate trying to contain her giggles as she pretends not to watch you, but you don’t care.

You’re watching Shawn. Your eyes never leaving him as he throws his head back, laughing as you mess up the lyrics. His hands pull you into him, your chest hitting his as you begin doing some sort of heightened version of a slow dance. His hands are warm against you, sending a current of energy through your body.

You’ve never smiled wider in your life, your heart clenching as he places a kiss on your forehead and you can’t believe that you’re still so in love with him after two years of being together. It’s never stopped being butterflies and sweaty palms with him – you’re body reacting to his touch like it was the first time.

Everyone around you recognized that as well, even the sales associate as she checked out the dress a few minutes later. You two are adorable, how long have you been engaged?

Shawn had squeezed your hand extra hard as the two of you tried to contain your giggles, explaining to her that the ring on your finger was a promise one. But Shawn made sure to add that he was hoping to fulfill that promise soon.

You felt like you were on cloud nine, leaving the store with a flutter of butterflies in your stomach. You knew that Shawn was it for you, never once doubting that he was the person you were going to marry.

You just didn’t expect that maybe; you weren’t it for him too.

Later that night you found yourself at yet another event with Shawn, wearing the pretty red dress and smiling widely as people approached you.

You were happy to find that you could easily recognize and talk to many people, a stark comparison to how you were when you had just started going out with Shawn. You were more confident now, excepting that you belonged next to Shawn, that if you stood up straight and acted like you were meant to be there – people would believe it too.

You were sipping a Shirley temple, bopping your head lightly to the beat of the song radiating through the room, talking to Lina – the daughter of a famous record producer. She was probably your closest friend related to the industry, but she was usually too busy to attend these kind of parties – so you were taking in every second you could get with her.

“Ok look at Marsha,” Lina lifted her chin, motioning to a woman a few meters away from you, “She’s about to go talk to Roger. For the sixth time tonight.”

“No way.” You shook your head, cringing as Marsha started making her way over to the older man again. “He’s said no to her single like a million times already.”

“Have you heard it?”

“No.” You paused, “Wait? Have you?!”

She snorted, “I wish I didn’t.”

“Come one!” You threw your head back, “I would have paid to see your reaction.”

“I can perform some for you, if you’d like?”

You were quick to shake your head, but she was already going.

“If I could fly … I would never leave you dry ….”

“Stop! Please!” You were bent over, holding your stomach as you tried to contain your laughter. She was so off pitch that you were tempted to cover your ears.

“Maybe we could last forever ….”

“I don’t know what sadder,” you heaved, “The song – or the fact that you know it by heart.”

“She made me listen to it six times!”

“That sounds like – ”

“Excuse me.” You turned around at the sound of the voice, feeling a light touch on your shoulder. You were greeted with the sight of a beautiful blonde staring at you with a small smile.

“Hi.” You were quick to return the grin, trying to figure out if you remembered her from somewhere. She looked oddly familiar.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for Shawn?”

You smiled, “I can go get him for you. Give me just a second.”

“Thank you so much!”

You found Shawn in the back, talking to someone you recognized to be very important, but his eyes lit up and he was on his feet the second he saw you.

“Hey angel, everything okay?”

“Hey,” you nodded as he wrapped a hand around your waist pulling you to the side, “There’s someone looking for you.”

You took his hand in yours, leading him through the mass of bodies in the space, over to where Lina and the stranger were waiting.

“Hey!” Your tone was light as you called out to her, “Found him!”

She turned around, an expectant look on her face before her eyes finally settled on your boyfriend.

“Kate.” Shawn’s voice was laced with shock, a smile gracing his features as he let go of your hand and shot forward to hug her.

You made eye contact with Julia from behind them, her light ones wide and looking at you with something you could only describe as sheer worry. You tilted your head, trying to understand what she was mouthing to you.

“It’s been so long.” You could hear Shawn say as they pulled apart, his tone laced with something you didn’t recognize.

“It has. You look amazing, Shawn.” Now that was something you did recognize.

You placed a hand on Shawn’s back, his eyes wide as he turned back to look at you, almost as if he’d forgotten you were even there.

“Kate,” his eyes were back on her immediately, “This is y/n, my … girlfriend.”

You hated the hesitation in his voice, but you didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, smiling gently at her, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“So, how do you two know each other?” Julia stepped forward, sipping on her drink as her narrowed eyes trained on Kate.

There was a moment of reluctance, which definitely didn’t help with your unease.

“We go way back.” Shawn finally said, Kate, giggling in response. Your smile faded. So they went way back. That was definitely code for used to date.

You hated the jealously that flooded through you. Your stomach clenching as your boyfriend continued to stare at the girl with an unrecognizable look.

Everyone was silent for a moment, Shawn’s eyes not leaving Kate, something you weren’t too happy about. You were used to being the center of his attention. And you felt selfish the second those thoughts filled your mind.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, the wide grin never leaving his face.

She smiled for a moment until her eyes traveled over to you and the expression faded, “I uh – was hoping we could talk?”

You didn’t like the look she was giving you, and you definitely didn’t like the sound of that. But Shawn was nodding and not even a second later he was turning to you, “I’ll be right back.”

You didn’t respond, he didn’t give you the chance to. He was already walking away, hot on her heels.

“What the actual fuck.”

You didn’t know how to answer. So instead you turned over the bar, immediately ordering four shots, making Lina talk them with you.

You had hoped that the alcohol would ease your nerves, but instead, you found yourself pacing in the bathroom, your head spinning as you tried to explain to Lina what was going on in your mind.

She did her best to try and calm you, easing your mind that it was nothing. Shawn loved you. It didn’t matter that he was slightly tipsy. Alone. And talking to his ex.

You trusted him with everything in you, but you didn’t trust the look in Kate’s eyes. And the look in his.

Shawn came back a half hour later, his eyes bloodshot and begging you to leave with him. You didn’t hesitate to agree, taking his outstretched hand and following him to the car.

You were both silent for a few moments but there was unspoken tension hanging in the air, your hands folded in your lap – trying to figure out how to phrase your words.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” You finally blurted, hating the way his hands tightened on the steering wheel.

Shawn was silent for a few seconds, before he cleared his voice, “Everything’s fine. Kate just wanted to catch up.”

You rolled your eyes but didn’t argue. “How long were you together for?”

You could see him tense again, his shoulders tightening, “We weren’t. Almost though.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. She wasn’t ready, I guess.” His tone was clipped; sounding like he had uttered those words millions of times before. You could feel your breath catch in your throat.

She wasn’t ready.

You replayed those words in your head a million times before you could finally utter something else. “When was the last time you saw her?”

Shawn could sense the uneasiness in your voice, the unfamiliar tremble as you tried to calm your breathing.

His hand was quick to take yours, twisting it out of the clasp in your lap and holding it in his tightly, “Baby –”

“I’m just curious – I know there’s nothing to worry about I just –” your voice was higher than normal, Shawn’s hand tightening around yours.

But he was silent. Staring straight ahead at the stoplights. The bright red glow illuminating his impassive features.

“There is nothing to worry about, right?” You found yourself saying.

“Of course not.”

Your heart was in your stomach, and you suddenly felt like there was no room in the car – no air.

“Shawn,” you whispered, “Did something happen?”

He swallowed again, “No.”

You were both silent for the rest of the ride home, Shawn’s hand holding yours – the only thing stopping you from falling apart.

The second the car parked in your driveway, you let go of him and jumped out, not waiting for him to follow – speed walking to the front door. Your hands were shaking as you tried to stick the key into the lock, your blurry eyes making it hard for you to focus.

“Y/n – ”

You could hear Shawn coming up behind you, but the door burst open just in time – saving you from having to look at him, “I – I have to go to the bathroom.”

You could hear him shout something back but you were already sprinting up the stairs and into your shared room, shutting the door behind you and bolting into the bathroom.

You were shaking, pulling your phone out and googling the one thing on your mind since the second you heard it.

The lyrics to Shawn’s When You’re Ready showed up on screen and you tried to calm your breathing, scrolling for a moment before your tears began collecting again and you were sobbing.

You gripped the sink, your breaths choked up as you tried to control your heart rate.

You could feel a tightness expanding through your chest, like a weight that was pulling you down. You were on your knees before you had a chance to blink, your hands wrapped around your dress as you tried to get a grip on yourself.

Moments passed but your breathing wasn’t picking up, you tried to blink away the tears, but they kept flowing as your shallow breaths increased.

You stood; your head spinning at the sudden movement, making you fall back and steady yourself against the sink. A jewelry box slid off at the impact, falling and smashing on the floor.

You flinched back at the noise, your ears registering a muffled yelling from behind your door, but you couldn’t make it out. You didn’t understand any of it, your chest heaved as you fell back onto your knees, sounding like you were chocking on air. Black spots began to cloud your vision, the room starting to spin.

Arms wrapped around you, pulling you back into a hand chest, but your mind was too cloudy to process any of it.

“Breathe – ” you could just make out his words, “You’re having a panic attack.”

“I can’t I –”

Shawn spun you into him, on his knees before you, his hands cupping your cheeks as he placed his forehead on yours. You tried to make out the golden color of his eyes but you couldn’t focus on anything but the tightness in your chest.

“I need you to listen to me, okay?” His thumbs were lightly massaging your jaw, “You’re going to inhale for me on the count of three.”

“1.. 2.. inhale.” You obeyed, your chest filling up with air as you shook in his grasp.

“Now exhale,” he said, his voice shaky, “Now again.”

“Inhale…exhale…inhale….exhale.”

It was working, your mind slowly clearing as you focused on the sound of his voice.

You sighed easily for the first time in a while, your eyes finally opening and meeting his tear-streaked ones.

You pulled away from him immediately, falling back onto your butt as you crawled further away, the cold tile the least of your concerns.

“You – you.” You heaved, trying to catch your breath, “You wrote it about her.”

He tilted his head, looking like a devastated, confused puppy, “Angel I don’t know –”

“When you’re ready! You wrote it about her, didn’t you?”

Shawn blinked, a single tear falling from his eye as he crawled over to you. You flinched, scooting away until your back hit the wall.

“Y/n I –”

“The song was written four months into our relationship.” You sniffled, wiping your nose on the sleeve of your dress, not caring about how much money you had spent this morning. Now, that seemed like a lifetime ago.

“You had said that Teddy wrote most of it. That it was a spur of the moment thing. That none of your songs were based on anyone until you met me.”

He was silent, tears streaking down his cheeks as he tried to catch his breath, “Baby –”

“You were waiting for her. This entire time. Weren’t you?”

“No!” He tried to get closer, but stopped at the expression on your face, “No! I love you, I –”

“Cause ain't n –nobody like you. F- familiar disappointment every single time I do.” You began to recite, your hiccupping sobs making it hard to understand.

“Y/n. Baby, please let me explain – ”

“Every single night my arms are not around you. My mind's still wrapped around you.” You shut your eyes, your entire body shaking as you wrapped your arms around yourself, trying to figure out how this was happening to you.

“Baby, tell me when you're ready.” You opened at the sound of a choked sob coming from the other side of the room. Shawn was on the floor, his head between his hands as he sobbed, shoulders shaking.

You were silent, trying to stop yourself from rushing over to him and holding him in your arms – something you had grown so accustomed to that now you felt like you were having an out of body experience.

“Do you still love her?”

That wasn’t what you had planned to say, but you needed to hear it. You needed to know if the last two years were a waste, if the ring on your finger had ever meant something to the boy you thought was going to be yours forever.

Shawn was silent, his shoulders slumping as he threw his head back.

“Shawn?” Your voice was sterner than it had been all day.

“I – ” Another wrecked sob flew through him.

You covered your mouth as you felt your chest close up again. Shaking your head, you took a deep breath – you were not about to have another panic attack right now.

You gripped the vanity to your left, using it to pull yourself to your feet. Your mind went hazy from how fast you rose, your head already pounding from how hard you’d been crying.

“She told you she was ready, didn’t she?”

All Shawn could do was nod, his eyes not opening as he placed his head back in his hands – his elbows on his knees as he started crying again.

You threw your head back, urging yourself not to cry – but nothing could stop the whimper from flying out of you, your eyes shutting again.

Everything was silent again. For a few moments, you hoped that he would say something. That he would get to his feet and explain that everything was a misunderstanding – that he would take you in his arms and hold you, telling you that you were the one he loved. The only one he loved.

However, things weren’t that simple. They never were with Shawn. But never before had you doubted where you stood with him.

“I – I can’t do this.” You found yourself saying, his head snapping up – bloodshot eyes meeting yours.

He was on his feet before you could blink, “No. Y/n – let’s talk about this, please.”

You hesitated, before shaking your head. It was too late for talking now. You had waited for him to act and he had left you dry.

“You need to figure yourself out before we can do that Shawn.” You spun the ring on your finger. “I can’t be with you if you’re not a hundred percent sure about me.”

“I love you.” His voice cracked, a single tear traveling down his sculpted cheek again.

“I love you too.” You sniffled, taking the ring off your finger – Shawn immediately flinching back, “Please. Please don’t leave me.”

“You lied to me. You used me as a placeholder for her. You still love –”

“I don’t. I don’t.” He was shaking, his hands coming up to fold behind his head, “It was a spur of the moment, baby – ”

“I know you, Shawn.” You were tired, and he was delirious. You couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore, and you were afraid that if you kept this up any longer – he could convince you to stay.

“Call me when you figure everything out. And then we can talk.”

You placed the ring on the counter, the clang of it hitting the marble making Shawn flinch again, but you didn’t let yourself get phased.

You took one long look at him, before turning around and walking out of the bathroom – and ultimately the house.

He didn’t call after you once.

__________________________________________________________________

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angels17324 · 4 years

Text

The Violet Paladin (Keith x Reader) Ch. 15

Hows quarantine treating everyone? I know I don’t have to explain myself on not posting but guys I want you to know I am a health care worker I’ve been at work for almost 10 hours a day everyday for the last two weeks on both days and nights. So I love you all I know I am trying to keep writing but its hard. Guys if you don’t need to go out please don’t stay home find some new fics to binge read or shows to obsess over I don’t want to lose anyone to this virus. Word Count: Update Schedule: Unknown (Im gonna try and set myself a goal of updating on Wednesdays call me out if I forget guys!!) [Masterlist] [Prev]

When I got back on the castle I learned that Shiro would be in one of the healing pods for a while. I still hadn’t told them anything about what happened, but I’d rather tell them at the same time then one by one. We were all in the healing bay watching Shiro.

“Is he okay?” Hunk asked when we heard Shiro groaning.

“Sometimes the healing process causes involuntary brain waves,” Allura explained.

“It looks like he’s having a bad dream,” Hunk mumbled.

“He just got blasted by a space witch and mauled by giant lizards, what dream could be worse than that?” Keith asked. We all waited for a short while longer before he started to wake up. We had all gathered closer and smiled at him when he opened his eyes. He told us about having a dream of a Galra soldier helping him and some coordinates in his arm.

We waited for Shiro to get dressed before walking down to the green lions hanger. Lance was filling Shiro in on what had happened with him and Hunk and Mermaids? I wasn’t really sure, I was just thankful the attention wasn’t on me, I don’t even know how I’m going to tell them.

“(Y/n)?” I heard Hunk called out.

“Huh?” I looked to see everyone was staring at me.

“You were kind of zoned out there,” Lance looked me.

“Oh…” I breathed.

“You know you’ve been acting really weird since you got back, you’re the only person who never shared what happened while we were all separated,” Pidge crossed her arms.

I sighed, I was going to have to tell them sooner or later and I might as well just get it over with, “I don’t really even know where to start,” I stated. “A lot happened honestly,” I guess I should just ease the information in. “Well, I guess I can start with I crashed onto this planet where I was met by a girl who ended up being the planets princess,” I said I wasn’t trying to be vague but I’m still not sure how they will take it. “She ended up taking me to the queen, where I found out I was on the home of the original Violet Paladin, and at first the queen wasn’t very happy learning that I was the new paladin,”

I explained a bit of what I learned like how they had closed of all communication with the rest of the universe, and how the only reason I think they hadn’t been attacked is because in the Archives I learned that they never shared the location of their planet with anyone. Coran shared that not even Alfor or any of the other original paladins had been to the planet and that I was the first ‘outsider’ I bite my tongue to hold back from correcting him at least yet. “Okay but none of that explains why you’ve been acting weird,” Pidge said ever observant she is.

“It might just be easier to show you then tell you.” I pulled out my phone I had snapped a photo of the picture that the Queen showed me and I showed it to the group.

“It looks like you, but it’s not,” Pidge state.

“Is this some creepy twin in space thing?” Lance asked.

“No, how do I put this… it’s true it’s not me, but it’s also not a twin thing… I mean, except the actual picture in this is over 28 years old.” I explained, I could almost see the wheels turning in their heads. “It’s my mom!” I exclaimed not really being able to take it anymore.

“How!” Pidge was the first to speak up since she was the only person here to ever meet my mom.

“Wait what?” Lance was the next one to speak up. I explained to them as much as I knew which still wasn’t much other then the fact that she was the queen’s little sister. It felt so much better to have this off my chest. We continued to the hanger to find out what if anything was in Shiro’s arm. The whole way down Lance kept questioning me about everything, I was kind of annoyed but I just ignored him.

While we were waiting for Pidge to find the coordinates I just kept thinking about everything that's happened. I wonder if my mother would have ever told me about this? And if that was why she was mad that I had joined the garrison.

Eventually Pidge found the coordinates, but Allura didn’t seem too happy about trusting something from the Galra but we went ahead and used a wormhole to get to the base. In front of us were these large crystals they were kinda cool.

“Well this is it. No signs of life, living or otherwise.” Coran said. “I don’t want to bring the castle any closer those xanthorium chucks contain highly unstable nitrate salts even bumping one can blow us straight to Wozblay,” Okay slightly less cool.

“Are you sure this is right?” Shiro asked.

“These are the coordinates Number Six gave me.” Coran said.

“Hey! My decryption is solid,” Pidge defended glaring at Coran.

“We’ve gotta be missing something,” Shiro said. We ended up waiting a few minutes before alarms began blaring.

“There’s an intruder in the Castle!” Coran shouted. Allura found him on level five. We all suited up and went down. We each began running through the halls to find this guy. Lance was the first to find him. I began to head back towards Lance listening to Corans commentary. Next they ran by Pidge. I soon found him dragging Pidge and being followed by Lance, and I joined following them.

Then Hunk who somewhat blasted at us. We all chased him but kinda lost him as he ran towards Keith. That was the only good part of Coran’s commentary is we knew where this guy was. By the time Hunk, Lance and I caught up with Keith was quite literally hurled at us knocking the four of us down.

We watched as Shiro and the guy were at each other’s throats before they both backed down. And that’s when Allura slammed him into the wall. When Shiro explained that the guy was the Galra soldier he’d remembered.

We eventually had him chained up in our common room. Ulaz was apparently a Galra soldier in this secret underground revolution called the Blade of Marmora. The coordinates we had were actually corrected its just the base was hidden in a space fold. Honestly you could feel the tension between everyone from Allura’s mistrust of Ulaz, to the rest of us kinda being on the same side as her, except Shiro.

Everyone except Lance, Allura, and Coran took the Red Lion to the base. We learned that they had several members in the ranks of Zarkon’s army including his main ship which is why we got away last time. Pidge asked about her family, which Ulaz agreed to transfer prison data to the castle of lions.

“What’s that weapon you carry?” Keith asked.

“It’s a ceremonial blade that each of our members carry,” Ulaz explained. “Oh, nice,” Keith said. Alarms began blaring again. We opened a screen to see another one of those stupid robeasts, but how did it find us this time? Before we left, Ulaz gave Shiro coordinates. Allura blamed Ulaz for us being found, but this time I think I agree with Shiro I don’t think Ulaz told Zarkon we were here.

We waited in our lions but soon the fight was on. But this thing was nearly impossible to beat, it sucked in the crystals before blasting us, or it tried to suck us in. Ulaz left after the base was revealed… maybe he’s not one of the good guys. No time for that though as the beast tried to suck in the castle. We managed to stop that, but our plan to blow it up after didn’t work. It tried to suck us in again.

“I’m going to take this down from the inside!” We heard Ulaz call.

“No let us handle this!” Shiro tried.

“Voltron is too important,” was the last thing he said to us before he flew into the beasts mouth, just as we thought it didn’t work it started to fold in on itself. He opened a space pocket inside the beast.

When we returned to the castle no one seemed in too high of spirits. I decided to walk around for a bit too maybe clear my head. So much has happened in the last couple of days its been a lot to process. Honestly, how long had it been since we’d left earth? It didn’t seem like that long but there was no day in night in space, we had a schedule but it was more like we slept for a few hours and we stayed up until we were ready to pass out.

I finally decided maybe going to bed would be the best option right now to clear my mind. I slowly walked down the hall being quiet because I’m sure everyone else is probably trying to sleep now. I was almost to my room when I noticed Keith in front of my door.

“You need something?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, I just wanted to talk,” He said.

“About?” I wondered what he wanted to talk about.

“A few things actually,” He said. “Would you mind if we went in my room for a minute?” I blushed a bit at the request but nodded I did tell him we could talk if he ever needed to. We went to his room. We both sat on his bed.

“Alright what’s up? I’m not the only one who’s been acting kind of weird lately you’ve gotten more reckless,” I said noting his behavior from the last few days? Weeks? But it was more than that almost like he was also being protective. “Remember that sword Ulaz had?” He asked.

“Yeah, you seemed pretty interested in it,”

“Well it’s because of this,” Keith pulled out a dagger from under his pillow, it had a weird marking, kinda like Ulaz.

“Where or how’d you get it if you don’t mind my asking?” I looked at him. “I’ve kind of always had it, I thought it was weird but now it's even weirder because the marking is similar to Ulaz,” Keith explained. “That means the Galra were on earth at some point,”

“But Ulaz also did say that only the Blades of Marmora had them,” I said. “And I’d reason that if my mom and possibly my dad made it to earth without being detected by the garrison then who’s to say someone else couldn’t? And for all we know, maybe it was imbedded in a meteorite or something and your parents found it and thought it was cool,”

“You might be right,” He smiled a bit.

“What else do you want to talk about?” I asked. I could tell there was something else, we didn’t know about the Blades until today so he hasn’t been acting weird because of that.

“Oh, well, how do I put this…” He said looking down.

“Keith-” I was cut off, I was so shocked Keith was kissing me!

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lumosinlove · 5 years

Text

Solntse

part ii

Remus sits in Lily and James’ tiny living room and tries to ignore the subtly laid out pillow and blankets set on the corner of the couch. Lily doesn’t let him.

“Your apartment has flees.”

Remus sets his glass down, “That was one bug and it was a beetle.”

Lily twists her hair over one shoulder, unrelenting, “Remus. Please.” She nods towards the pillow, “Just—I’m worried. We’re worried.”

Remus looks away so he doesn’t have to see the way James nods, they way they’re both looking at him like he’s already a lost cause. He wishes for a moment he’d never told them what he does other than serve pizza and take the early shifts at the gas station around the block, but then he’d be all alone in it. And they were his best friends, that was why he had told them. Just in case one day all of James’ fears came true and some guy murdered Remus in a hotel room. Or something.

James sighs, “Mate, we’re not ganging up on you.”

“No, I know.” Remus nods down at his mug of tea, “I know. I just…I don’t want to be that friend you can’t get rid of. Like. That would be awful.”

“Re, you’re never going to become that.” Lily puts a warm hand on his shoulder, squeezing, “That’s not how we think about it at all. We just want to know your safe.”

James raises his mug to his mouth, “As safe as you can be…”

“James.” Lily snips, then her face turns soft again for Remus, “Will you stay here?”

“Lils, really, my apartment is fine.” He curls his feet further beneath him, “I’ll finish my tea and go. Don’t worry.”

He thinks back to his two night hotel escapade and shakes his head more firmly at Lily. He already feels enough like a charity case as it is. Even if he did get good money for it. Sirius had pushed an extra eighty dollars into his hand at the door and closed it before Remus could protest. He had pressed a chapped kiss to his cheek too. Remus was still mulling that over.

When he finally does make it out of the apartment he pulls his ratty coat tightly over his shoulders and ducks his head against the wind. He could probably buy a new one if Sirius called again. He did ask for two nights in a row, and it went great so, maybe. But he didn’t want to be flashy about any new money. His landlord had already raised his eyebrows when Remus had handed over two months rent in advanced.

His apartment wasn’t flea infested although it did give off that sort of look. He had a cheep futon bed frame, just to keep his mattress off the floor so it didn’t mold, and a dresser from IKEA. His kitchen consisted of a stove and a sink. The gas was usually pretty iffy and his sink ran mostly cold, like his shower, but…he had a roof and food. It’s fine. He has James and Lily if he was really, really in trouble but he doesn’t want it to come to that. He’ll never want it to come to that.

He throws his keys down on the dresser and goes to check the leak under the sink. It hasn’t gotten worse but he empties out what water is in the bucket just while he’s there. He re-tapes the crack in the window and makes a note to ask his landlord about that. Again. He’s just sitting down on his bed when his phone rings. He groans and closes his eyes when he pulls it out, hoping it isn’t one of his less polite customers. He sighs in relief when he sees the name.

“Frank, hi.” Frank almost never wants sex. He likes to talk. He’s lonely. Remus can relate. He’s the son of two wealth-soaked parents who don’t pay him a lick of attention. Remus can half relate. “How are you, mate?”

“Oh. Hi, Remus. Wasn’t sure I’d get you, um. I’m fine. I—um. Was wondering…” He trails off.

“Sure, when were you thinking? I’ve got something Tuesday and Sunday and you know when I work, so…”

“Actually, I was thinking now?” His voice is up an entire octave with nerves, “I just…Family problems right now. Was hoping to just talk a bit.”

Remus runs a hand over his face but tries not to pause too long. He doesn’t want Frank to think he doesn’t want to, “Sounds great! Should I meet you at the—“

“I couldn’t get the usual room. It’s 207 tonight. Same hotel though, the Pierre.”

Remus nods, tries to keep a smile in his voice, “Great. See you soon.”

He’s barely hung up when another name flashes up at him. He’s almost embarrassed by how fast he answers, “Sirius. Hi.” That didn’t come out anywhere close to how he wanted it to.

“Remus! Life is good?”

Remus laughs lightly, still caught off guard but warmed by Sirius’ simple honesty, “Uh, yeah, life is good. How are you?”

“Good. Busy. Always busy, you know? I’m at airport now, going to be in town on Wednesday. You want see together? Or, ah, not together.”

“Each other.” Remus supplies.

“Yes, perfect. You always know. What you think, Remus?”

Remus half wishes Sirius would stop saying his name like that and half wishes he’ll never stop saying his name like that, “Yeah, that works for me. What time were you thinking?”

“Seven? I get us dinner in room, so don’t eat. I’m, ah…” Sirius lets out a soft laugh and Remus presses the speaker closer to his ear, “I’m think about you a lot.”

Remus swallows over a suddenly dry throat, “Yeah?”

“Hm.” There’s a loud speaker in the background and Sirius says something low in Russian, “Flight calling me. Wednesday okay, yes?”

“Yes. Have a good flight.”

“You too. Or—“ They both laugh, “Okay, I’m go now. Bye, Remus.”

The line goes dead and Remus lets the phone fall to the bed. He breathes in deeply and looks down. He’s half hard in his pants now and he really doesn’t know why. He’s suppose to be on his way to Frank’s, he tips well, he honestly needs Remus a little bit and…fuck. He splashes some freezing water on his face from the sink and yanks his door shut as he leaves.

Frank’s is fine. The hotel room is nice and Remus ends up sucking him off—twice. He doesn’t get hard either time but Frank seems either completely fine with that or he doesn’t notice. What does get him going is the ping he gets on his phone while he’s walking home from the tube. It’s a picture. Of Sirius. A selfie. He’s grinning in front of a beautiful sunset outside a plane window. There’s no message except a few sideways parentheses that Remus takes as smiles. Looking at the grin triggers thinking about Sirius’ large, warm hands on his hips and back. That leads to thinking about the way Sirius had carefully pushed his fingers inside of Remus, then the hot slide of his cock to replace them, his weight covering Remus’ back—

By the time Remus is walking up the stairs to his apartment again he’s more or less waddling around his tented trousers. By the time he’s throwing his keys on his dresser all he can do is lean back against his door and shove his hand into his boxers. They’re already damp with pre-come so what’s the point anyway? He smears his thumb over his head and squeezes the base, letting out a breath. It’s not as good as Sirius and his fucking huge palms. Now that he’s got a hand wrapped around himself he can really feel the difference. He pushes his pants down around his knees so he can get two hands around himself instead, twisting around the head and keeping a tight grip around the shaft. It barely takes a dozen pulls before he’s shooting into his fist with a harsh sound, Sirius’ name almost on his lips. Almost. He makes the mistake of thinking about the way Sirius had trailed his fingertips over his sensitive cock after he’d made Remus come in his mouth, keeping the pleasurable nerves alight, and takes a cold shower so he doesn’t have to go again. The shower only makes him think about how, next time, maybe Sirius won’t come untouched. Maybe Remus will get to return the favor. He doesn’t even know how much of Sirius he could fit in his mouth but fuck if he doesn’t want to try. He groans and wraps a hand around himself again. He’s too sensitive but he doesn’t care. He works himself fast and hard until his cock is a flushed red and he comes weakly against the shower wall, panting into the cool spray.

He looks at his phone as he towels off his hair. It’s Saturday, and it’s going to be a long couple days.

There’s a different woman at the front desk this time and Remus is glad. Not that he thinks the other one would remember him but, still. He stares at the twelve on the door for a moment, trying to calm his heart rate, before he knocks.

The door doesn’t open immediately so he knocks again, feeling more awkward by the second.

This time there’s a muffled shout and a few seconds later the door is yanked open by Sirius—dripping wet and a towel hastily wrapped around his waist.

“Sorry!” He gasps, “Sorry, flight late, felt kind of like plane—plane all over me? Thought I be fast, sorry.”

“Okay.” Remus meant to say it’s okay but, well, Sirius’ towel is slipping sort of low.

“Come in, come in, I’m be ready in minute.”

Ready for what? Remus wants to ask.

He goes to sit on one of the couches and strokes his hands over a soft pillows while Sirius pads back to the shower, dropping his towel without closing the door. For a second, Remus debates on whether he can consider that as an invitation or not. He stands up twice and sits back down before the water shuts off and he sits again. Sirius emerges a second later, grabbing the towel from the floor to wrap around his waist and another for his hair. He rubs at his hair until the waves fluff around his ears and into his eyes. He smiles over at Remus somewhat guiltily.

“Sorry again. You want look at menu?” Sirius flips open a sleek looking suitcase and starts rifling through it, “Starving. Airplane food most bad, you know?”

Remus doesn’t but he’s not about to start that conversation. Instead he reaches for the leather-bound hotel book, “Where did you come from?”

“Sydney, ah…Hard for me to say.”

“Australia.”

Sirius laughs and pulls a loose fitting pair of sweatpants on—bare, “Yes, right.” A white long sleeve shirt follows and—to Remus’ surprised delight—a black snapback. It sits snugly on his damp hair, pushing the front part back out of his eyes while the rest wings out above his ears. Remus can see the shape of his ring necklace through his shirt. He swallows. Sirius looks good.

He pulls some warm looking socks on and Remus glances briefly at the hole in the heel on his own left foot. The couch bounces a little as Sirius settles next to him, leaning in close to look at the menu, “Good food? What you like?”

Remus tries to read the menu, he really does, but Sirius’ arm is thrown over the back of the couch and his fingertips are brushing over where he sweater gives way to skin. He holds the menu out to Sirius, “You decide. I’ll eat anything.”

Sirius gives him a teasingly disapproving look but takes the menu and reaches towards the side table for the phone. He orders too much. A steak, fries, a plate of brisket ravioli, a cheese board, a salad, calamari, and two slices of chocolate cake. Remus doesn’t know where they’re going to put it all, but he hopes maybe he can take some of it home.

“We do tea later,” Sirius reaches out and fans one of Remus’ curls between his fingers. “After.” He amends, “They say thirty minutes.” Then his fingers are lightly brushing Remus’ hip, just beneath his sweater, “We stay busy while wait. Is okay?”

“Yeah.” Remus breathes, because what Sirius doesn’t know is that he got off to the mere memories of what they did last time every night leading up to now. Sometimes twice. Of course it’s okay. He’s never had a job this fucking okay, and he’ll damn sure make the most of it until Sirius moves on. They always do. Remus usually feels more grateful when they do, but he has a feeling Sirius will be different.

Sirius flashes him a grin and tugs him right into his lap. His lips are warm and chapped against Remus’, but the rough texture is nice. Remus feels like it keeps him there, in Sirius’ arms. He runs his tongue across Sirius’ bottom lip just to feel it and is rewarded with a soft sound and a palm to the small of his back. Sirius, who seems to be able to take Remus aback in almost everything he does, is holding Remus close, chest to chest. Not by the hips, not by the shoulders. Remus has never had any problems with abuse and he’s lucky in that way but Sirius, Sirius isn’t holding him like he’s there for sex at all. He’s cradling Remus in his lap, hands running lazily up and down his back. He’s licking into his mouth like they have all the time in the world, like they’ve been kissing forever and they’ll do it tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Remus’ palms cup his jaw and he runs his fingers along the edge of the snapback.

“You want off?” Sirius’ voice sounds like he’s just woken up.

Remus shakes his head and his eyes slip closed as Sirius’ mouth moves to his jaw, “No.”

Sirius’ warm breath against his neck as he laughs softly almost feels better than the wet kisses he’s leaving there. Almost.

They stay like that until the knock on the door makes Remus blink his eyes open blearily, suddenly aware of how warm he is.

Sirius shifts him to the side gently, kneeling on the couch for one last peck, “I’m get food, relax here.”

Remus blinks at him, licks his kiss-swollen lips, and honestly just wants to ask Sirius why he is like this. He rests his head back on the couch and listens to Sirius’ bright voice chatting away to the bell boy who brought their food. He’s thanking him, telling him how good it all looks, and Remus thinks maybe he’s just this nice to everyone he meets. He isn’t sure what to do with that.

“Hey,” Sirius head pokes back through the door, cart trailing him, “Food.”

Remus isn’t going to say no to that.

The spread of food looks even bigger when laid out and Remus can’t help but laugh as Sirus sits down next to him again, “Sirius, this is…a lot.”

Sirius shrugs one shoulder, “We don’t finish, you take home.”

Remus isn’t going to say no to that, either. He has a brief moment of wondering whether ordering this much was purposeful on Sirius’ part, but pushes it aside. That’s ridiculous. Sirius doesn’t even know him, much less anything about his financial situation. Well. He might know a little given who they are to each other.

Remus spends most of the meal listening to Sirius try to explain some funny story that happened on his trip, and anticipating the occasional moments of being fed bits of steak and such by Sirius, who barely breaks in talking despite how it takes Remus’ breath for a moment.

“I spend lot of time in hotel, you know?” Sirius’ voice breaks into Remus’ thoughts, mid story. He wished he’d been listening fully to know how to respond.

“I, ah, lonely?”

Sirius shrugs, but shoves a large scoop of pasta in his mouth. Remus takes that as a yes.

“How did you…” Remus searches for the right word before trying, “find me?”

Sirius actually pinks a little at that, “Ah. Friend. You know him. Recommend. Say you very sweet.”

Remus nods and respects the anonymity even if he’s dying to know who, “Sweet, huh?”

Sirius smiles a little, “I’m think so, too.”

They move onto the cake and the hotel had sent up an two extra desserts, seemingly just because Sirius is Sirius.

“I’m stay here lot, they know me.”

“Probably because you order the entire menu anyway.” Remus jokes.

It makes Sirius’ entire face light up, spreading his hands, “Hey, why not? Hungry after long day of flying.” He knocks his ankle against Remus’, “Good food, best company.”

Remus rolls his eyes a little and Sirius snorts. That shouldn’t be attractive, but it is.

“You live here always?” Sirius asks through a bite of cheesecake, “London?”

“Yeah, always.”

“Born here?”

Remus nods, “Yeah. I live a few streets over from my parent’s flat.”

“Must be so nice.” Sirius is smiling, but his eyes are down at his plate and he looks a little mournful. His fingertips not holding his fork are twisting the ring around his neck, “Be near family always.”

Remus takes a bite instead of answering. It had been nice. For a while.

“Not…Not nice?” Sirius says softly, “Sorry, not want to bring up bad things, Remus—“

“No. No, it’s okay. It’s fine, I just…yeah, I don’t really talk to my parents much these days.”

Sirius places a warm hand on his thigh, thumb rubbing on the inside slowly. But it isn’t sexual. It isn’t even verging on sexual. It’s soothing and warm, and it makes Remus want to keep talking.

“Not since I came out.” He finally manages, “To them. They weren’t…” But it turns out that’s all he can say on the matter.

“Make you feel better…” Sirius wets his lips, “Parents not know. Mine, I’m saying. Scared to tell, not good thing in Russia.” He gives Remus’ thigh a little squeeze, “I understand. Remus, it’s—it’s most brave.”

Remus blinks hard, “Yeah.” He doesn’t know why he’s sitting here having this semi-melt down with Sirius. Sirius definitely isn’t paying for this. He’s probably annoyed with him under all his kind words and so Remus snuffles and digs his palms into his eyes, trying to wipe the tears away and the redness that’s probably there both. There’s nothing really to do to make this not an awkward transition. How do you go from tears to sex? And with a stranger? “I’m sorry.” He begins, “Fuck, this—was not what I had planned.”

“Remus, it’s not apology—no, okay?” He’s suddenly pushing the food table away and tucking his legs beneath himself, sitting on his socked-heels and taking both of Remus’ hands, thumbs rubbing gently against the vulnerable insides of Remus’ wrists, “I’m not mind, really. Really.”

“I’ll take this out of your pay. Honestly, Sirius, this isn’t what you brought me here for, I just want you to know that I know that.” Remus can’t help it though, and despite his words curls his fingers around Sirius’, “Sorry."

“Please stop saying, Remus.” Sirius tone is firm, “Please, you—not an apology.” Even the word ‘apology’ sounds nice in Sirius’ mouth.

“I…make okay? A bit?” Sirius tugs very lightly on Remus’ hands but when Remus shakes his head he—he lets go. Which Remus can’t decide how he feels about that.

“Sorry.” He says again, then at Sirius’ face, he pushes a hand through his hair, “Fuck, sorry—Sor—“

And then Sirius is kissing him. His thumbs are stroking slowly along his cheeks and he’s sucking Remus’ bottom lip slowly into his mouth, brushing his tongue along it with the same amount of leisure. Remus sighs into it, fingers digging into his own thighs for a moment before he’s leaning forward and pressing his palms flat on Sirius’.

“Only if want.” Sirius says against his mouth, “Remus.” He pulls away just enough to look at Remus’ glassy eyes, “You not want a second ago, I’m just want no more sorry. No, ah, not need to do anything, okay?” He curls his fingers back around Remus’ ears, around the curls there, “карамель, can just put movie on. Have more cake.”

Remus sniffles a little, blinking hard at Sirius, “Did—Did you just call me caramel?” He remembers the soft word from last time.

Sirius smiles, a bit, and lifts one shoulder, “It’s good, no? It’s…not sure how to say…small names important in Russia. Mean two people are close.”

Is that really what we are? Remus wants to ask. He sort of wants to yell it because, as great as this is, he sees nothing but a darker end. For himself, anyway.

“Oh.” Is all he says out loud and falls sideways a little on the couch into the cushions. He’s suddenly so tired. Sirius doesn’t seem to mind, though, and mirrors his position, their knees knocking together. His soft smile is still aimed right at Remus. “What’s yours then?”

Sirius’ smile grows, “Mama give to me when little.” He raises his eyebrows, “Little bit funny, not laugh.”

Remus feels a smile of his own start up and he uses his sleeve to wipe his nose, sitting up a little more, “I won’t laugh.”

“Sivushka.” It rolls nicely off of Sirius’ tongue, and his cheeks pink a little but he looks pleased, “Sort of…for family? Friends. Not so much lover, too…small?”

“Casual?” Remus offers, “Like, it means a different feeling.”

Sirius’ smile is soft, “So good with english. So helpful.”

“Sivushka.” Remus tries it out, but it doesn’t sound half as good. Then, he can’t help it, heart in his throat when he asks, “What’s…what’s more than friends? Like, not—just, I’m curious what that would be.”

“Lover? Sirusya, maybe.” Then he smiles, eyes crinkling warmly, “You like? You call me?”

“Surely someone already calls you that.” Remus tries to keep his voice light. I mean, look at you. He wants to add.

Sirius sits up at that a little, eyes going hard, hand—that had been rubbing idly against Remus’ knee—going still, “No. No one call me.”

Remus swallows, “I—I didn’t mean—“

“I’m not—изменя́ть.” He huffs in frustration, “изменя́ть—I’m not know, not know, okay?”

Remus’s chest goes cold, “Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything.”

“Not be here if with—someone else.” Sirius shakes his head, “Not like that, Remus. I’m not.” The phrase is followed by a disgruntled spell of Russian that Remus does his best to follow through tone alone.

“I know.” Remus finally says, “I know you aren’t.” Because he’s only met Sirius twice but he can honestly say he does know this about him, “I’m sorry.”

“Not apology, карамель.” Sirius rubs his hands over his face, “Too much action, sorry.”

Remus looks on in confusion, “What?”

“Me, me,” Sirius gestures aggressively towards himself, “Me. Too much action. Not right.”

Overreaction, Remus thinks and nods, “No, I understand.”

“I’m know…what guys you probably see doing…this.” Sirius doesn’t look at him as he acknowledges exactly why Remus is there for what feels like the first time other than money exchanges, “Not wrong for you to think. But no.”

“Sirius, it’s okay.” But that feels wrong somehow and so he says instead, “I mean, we’ve done this three times.”

Sirius is quiet for a long moment this time. “It’s true.” Then, after running his fingers over his necklace a few times, “You have other small name?”

The topic change pings a little, “Um. Not anything big. Re, mostly, if anything.”

“Re.” It sounds like a lovely mess of vowel in Sirius’ mouth, “That’s all?”

Remus nods, “Nothing like Russia, huh?”

Sirius runs a hand over his face one more time but when he moves it there’s a trace of his usual smile, “I’m find you one, not worry.” Then, eyes down and voice quiet but questioning, “You have…small name…for lover?”

Remus swallows. His throat is so dry all of a sudden so he just shakes his head, then realizes Sirius isn’t looking at him so he croaks out, “No.”

Sirius nods back, “Oh.” Then he grabs the remote and pushes it into Remus’ hand, “Find something. I’m call for tea and get money before forget. Be back.”

It seems like the end of the conversation, but the conversation doesn’t feel over. Remus choses a movie, but he couldn’t say what it was about. When its over Sirius has to tuck the money into Remus’ back pocket himself. He presses another kiss to Remus’ cheek. Then Remus doesn’t hear from him for two weeks.

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cruddyborderlandstheories · 5 years

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Fl4k Fl4k Fl4k Fl4k Fl-

i didn’t die i just fell in love with that skill tree creator and have done nothing for the past few days but make skill trees and sleep for 3 hour intervals. im very excited for the gameplay on Wednesday but oh man oh me oh my i gotta catch up on a lot of posts lol

tl;dr: Fl4k is a badass. Stop misgendering them or I’ll show up at your home at 3am local time every time and then eat your spine. Bonus: Mr. Chew being an ‘Eridian skag’ is probably due to some funky mutation from eridium/slag/eridian stuff. Kinda like how Threshers have the ability to make singularities because they are native to Elpis, which is a big ol’ Eridian base (which i totally addressed in this post lol). I also gave my opinion on Fl4k’s skills in general, if you’re interested in that. Overall, a very awesome trailer! Definitely lived up to the hype.

i said it before, this trailer was one of the best ones. definitely #2 for me, Zane is still at #1 because i actually laughed during it. the music in this one is definitely the best out of all 4 tho. seems like they’re all variations of the same song, i like this one best. I need this soundtrack sooo bad.

also i know probably no one else following this blog watches one piece but like

that first footstep with the studded boot and the sound effect immediately flung me back to katakuri. god katakuri was a badass. i was so excited to see that fight animated.

mr chew spinning around is my favorite thing ever. i love that you can tell the personality of the pets just from watching the intro.

i know fl4k is like a real badass in this trailer, but i get the feeling they’re going to end up being at least a little soft for their pets. i mean... they have stuffed animals of them ffs.

so... we’re near Sanctuary-III in this trailer? I gotta keep my eye out then. i also want to see if that one claptrap area guess i had is correct or not... this looks like an entryway for the garage so im guessing i wasn’t, but let’s seeeee

there is a raised bit up and to the left

also im wondering if this means we’re going to have to rescue ellie from the CoV.

hmmmmmmmm

hmmmmm i don’t think the signs match up.

mr chew is the goodest boy. im so glad we can pet/interact with him!! i want to know what the names of the other pets are

also, a bit off topic but

i could have sworn fl4k’s jabber was cryo/shock. it was blue, wasn’t it? i wonder if they changed it or if it’s skill upgrades change its color. i thought the upgrades just gave it better guns.

yeah it was! i guess possibly upgrading it with the guns gives it a new color scheme? maybe? this could be the gunslinger upgrade!

it looks like their jabber went through the most design changes out of all of the pets. that or this is yet another upgrade (since each pet has 3 states). maybe this is the beefcake version.

‘bitch’. i love how expressive fl4k is with just the eye. very well done.

ohhh you know what that building is in the back?

[we’re near the intro to the game!]*

and tbh i don’t think this place has the building for Ellie’s Scrap in it... i don’t see it anywhere. maybe this is the actual scrapyard and the building is on the other side?

not quite sure tbh. but at least we know this place may also be near sanc-iii, just maybe not the same area as the actual Ellie’s Scrap.

i mean... there IS a shitload of cars everywhere. i wouldn’t surprised if it’s near her garage cause it looks like a scrapyard.

but also where in the fuck are all these ‘normal’ looking cars coming from?? it’s not like we see them being used on pandora. all the ones we see in bl1/2 are clearly dilapidated and rusting. big thonk. at least the vans/busses kinda make sense.

oh yeah that is definitely the same building. [it’s the recruitment center!]*

this scene with the rakk is my favorite out of all the trailers. so fuckin cool

i do hope the jabber goes back to being blue at some point. i like the red design too, don’t get me wrong, but i much prefer the glowy blue. it’s my favorite color and you guys know i love glowing things 👀

<Huge Selection!!!> lol

cat/doggo/monkey. mr chew is my favorite pet but i love the jabber panting like a dog lol

i never knew this is where spiderant mouths were

i always assumed they were below that... f r e a k y

“he likes to chase cars”

fl4k probably took them to the scrapyard for this exact reason ngl. fl4k being a big softie to their pets confirmed

(also, notice how fl4k uses ‘he’ for mr chew. it’s almost as if they understand the concept of gender, chose their own pronouns, and your argument that they only are nonbinary only because they “don’t understand yet” is invalid! Fl4k is canonically nonbinary and uses they/them/theirs pronouns as confirmed by both SungWon Cho and their in-game skills.

Now that you know, use they/them/theirs for Fl4k or get off my blog. Because by not doing so, you are disrespecting the devs’ wishes for this character AND the nonbinary people who find representation in them and I won’t support that. if you feel like arguing your reasons to purposefully misgender them even after knowing this, please DM me so I can block you. thanks!

For those of you out there actually making an effort: mistakes happen, especially if Fl4k is the first NB person you’ve learned about. Just make sure to correct yourself then move on, and we’re okay. Everyone has to learn sometime and it’s better to put in the effort than not care at all. It will become second nature.)

Fl4k is such a badass, they really are way different than i expected (personality-wise), but i am not complaining. gearbox knows me better than i know myself, so i know i’m going to end up loving Fl4k anyway. ProZD did such a fantastic job, i honestly did not recognize him at first! i can tell with certain words now, but wow i am blown away.

i hope we’re able to climb that bird’s nest lookin’ thing in the back. it would be perfect for sniping and/or placing ur clone for maximum coverage.

seriously, what a badass.

idk i feel obligated to give my opinions of Fl4k over here since they were recently released. I am digging them 100%, tho i was kinda surprised (not in a bad way) they’re not as... i guess soft as i was expecting from their character design with the plushes and the face on the backpack and the smiley face pin, but i imagine that’s different when they’re interacting with their pets. im super curious to see how this VH group’s dynamic is going to go.

mechanically, their skills seem perfect for people who loved sniper Zer0 and in general Mordecai, with a splash of Salvador tossed in for good luck. I am a dirty melee Zer0 main and i prefered Phasewalking over Bloodwing (altho i still play mordy bc he’s best bl1 VH) so, while I am definitely going to give Fl4k a go, they’re not my main bl3 Vault Hunter, that’s reserved for Zane and his lovely ability to befuddle enemies and run around. Funnily enough, I’m not even a fan of pet classes, so Fl4k being second in my play order is pretty funny. Tho, yeah, Amara being last is also pretty weird. I guess I don’t necessarily enjoy melee, I just enjoy messing with the bad guys lol

ohh, also, I am most interested in the upgrade for mr. chew that gives him the ability to create singularities and is called ‘Eridian Skag’.

so I’m not saying my theory that the threshers on the moon were connected to Eridians was right, I’m just saying they’re the only form of wildlife we know that has a singularity ability (outside of Mr. Chew, apparently).

im just saying gearbox, you should hire me to write your deep lore for you cause i’d do it for free

im wondering if we’ll be seeing skags with wormhole abilities in bl3. maybe the constant exposure to slag is starting to mutate them further beyond just elemental bonuses (on badass skags). We know Maya’s phaselock has a singularity ability (so does Amara’s phasegrasp), and that is sorta ‘occurring naturally’ (you know, as natural as siren powers can get) unlike the singularity grenades we encounter which use our known technology. plus, uh, whatever happened to the destroyer’s eye in TPS that made it create a singularity/wormhole by injecting it with a fuckload of slag. that probably has something to do with this as well.

but geez i really hope mr. chew is okay with being all slag/eridium-ed up. i guess being badass elemental skags doesn’t appear to hurt them, just make them more powerful, unlike humans. maybe that has something to do with sentience, if slag/eridium/eridian stuff actually is driving bandits crazy. could explain why/if the jabber doesn’t get an element like the skag (eridian skag) and spiderant (fire) do, since they’re described as semi-sentient...

anyway.

Fl4k is cool. Definitely a neat trailer- my second favorite for sure- and the skill tree drop blew me away because i was not expecting it. im expecting a lot of Fl4k mains in the first few weeks of gameplay because they look like a lot of fun!

EDIT: i was wrong, in the newest IGN vid, it turns out we ARE near the recruitment center, because that IS the recruitment center

they gave them little orange flags! good to know!!

#fl4k #borderlands #bl3 #borderlands 3 #fl4k is nonbinary #fl4k uses they/them/their pronouns

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queernuck · 5 years

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i feel absolutely fucking awful

i mean, it could be worse because im a little off sober but like, only by a very small margin and this more or less leads to me being sober the rest of this week as things stand, which is a bitchuation of a situation.

being the fucking moron i am, on Sunday at work a posted sheet in the breakroom said that there was a shift available for pickup on Tuesday, and if we were interested to write our name down. knowing that my parents have been on my case about not having enough hours (we’ve had them slashed recently due to being short on payroll at the end of the year) and that this could be a good way to get them off of my back, squirrel away an extra little bit of money to get out and get high the day after with on top of what i currently have, and also that my mom was working so I didnt have to worry about a ride, and would be able to do whatever I was feeling like on the day after so long as I got home in time for my mom getting home.

and then bam, turns out it isnt just a few short hours but almost a fucking full shift, turns out my mom’s days got switched too so she works on Tuesday and is off on Wednesday, and that means that my parents are around every day off I have this week after today.

this could be excused, maybe, if I were at least actually getting that money.

but im not! im not at fucking all! my parents’ bank account got compromised and while i have no idea how that relates to my own, i doubt its good considering how bad things were when they were talking about it, and im just kinda frustrated because of how like..........

i took this day because of the shit they put me through and how they basically make me beholden to their morals, to the shit they think about what I should do, how I should think of myself, and its gotten to the point where i made a decision that ended up working directly against me because i had at least on some level bought into that and I cannot fucking get past myself, i cannot help but want to break down and fucking cry because of it

im gonna have to be at work even earlier than the usual 8:45 start tomorrow due to the time my mom works, and im going to have to be there later than my shift ends, as well. because of some shit that slipped out when i was trying to explain everything around me getting caught or whatever my mom keeps chiding on me, even when im fucking AT WORK, about “not doing anything bad” even though her “bad” is based in prohibitionist bullshit instead of any actual shit beyond their backwards-ass moralisms.

tomorrow is going to suck, its going to fucking suck until im done with work, and im really fucking suicidal over it. if the isles dont win i may actually decide to follow through with shit. even if i dont ill be tempted as hell

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sydney-ada-blog · 6 years

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Interviews for Event Article

Taylor

Sydney: Okay, so what is your name and what is your age?

Taylor: Taylor John, I’m 20 years old

Sydney: When did you start going here (to Lehigh)?

Taylor: I’m a junior now, so about 2 and a half years ago

Sydney: So what year was that?

Taylor: I’m with the class of 2020 so 2016 or 17? Um

Sydney: It’s fine, don’t worry about it

Taylor: One of the two!

Sydney: So are you apart of the greek life here?

Taylor: Yeah, I’m in Kappa Delta

Sydney: Cool, what do you think about it?

Taylor: I think it’s cool, I think, um, sometimes it can be a little exclusive so it can leave people out which is shitty but, all in all I think it does give you that base, it gives you a place you know you can come back to and have your friends, it makes it easier to acclimate to college life but definitely theres that exclusivity factor which were definitely trying to work on to mend relations between those in greek life and those who are not.

Sydney: Okay cool, so what do you think the cons are?

Taylor: Well like I said about the exclusivity, it’s expensive so, that makes it a financial burden, makes it exclusive as well, um with dues, and then parties aren’t exclusive but like obviously if you’re not in a sorority you don’t feel comfortable going at the beginning of a party which can be shitty, um, all in all we just need to work on our inclusivity of making sure were not making it an exclusive thing but just a thing where if you want to join you can join and if not that’s totally fine. But there are some dope GDIs which is god damn independent girls who aren’t in the sororities.

Sydney: Do you think that the greek life is relatively safe here? In terms of sexual harassment or other problems that colleges tend to face.

Taylor: Well I think on any college campus there are shitty… parts, um, you know, sexual assault and stuff, but thats not a predominant thing in our campus, it does happen here which is super unfortunate, but, all in all I think its safe, um, the LUPD, Lehigh University Police Department like, circles around on party nights so there’s always that higher authority figure in close proximity to any party, but definitely you have to know your where about… you need to know, the state your in so you don’t get taken advantage of. And that should be anywhere not just in college but, going out in the city, going out with friends, like going to any bars, the same problems that any college campus unfortunately applies here too you know?

Sydney: So do you think things that colleges do such as the alcohol safety course required at most schools now helped you at all?

Taylor: I mean, no, I think that’s kind of like sex ed, like, you get told to use condoms but often times people don’t so its one of those things you just need to know you have to be careful but when you’re doing it and you’re with your friends, easily influenced, it gets hard to keep up with that, I think it’s good that we do it because at least we tried but definitely not the most effective in regards to people actually monitoring their drinking in a safe way.

Sydney: Right, I totally agree. Also you said Greek life was expensive, what did you mean like that? Is it more expensive than dorming or where do the costs come in I guess.

Taylor: We have to pay dues, monthly dues, so if you’re in the house you’re paying for a meal plan, which is fine cause thats like the same costs maybe a little less than what you pay for the lehigh meal plan, but the dues are monthly and those are like hundreds of dollars a month so

Sydney: What are the dues for?

Taylor: Like, social fees, date party shirts, making repairs to the house, just like things that are more influencing you definitely but everyone has to contribute thats what makes the house run you know, and every house on the hill, and sorority or fraternity on campus has dues. On any college campus so. That’s the way, you need money for it to run, you know you can’t say “were kappa delta but we have 0 dollars” like, kinda makes it, no.

Sydney: So have you been in a sorority since freshman year?

Taylor: Yeah I rushed freshman fall so

Sydney: Cool what made you decide to do it in the first place?

Taylor: I like it, like I’m very social so, if you like being social and going out definitely is a outlet there but also I like having a base to rely on, thats just me so, for that reason but I definitely branched out more this year which I like as well.

Sydney: So what are the things you like about Lehigh in general? And what do you dislike?

Taylor: I like the travel abroad, theres a huge emphasis on that, they make it pretty easy to do that, and like classes, good classes good professors, and I do like the greek life, it’s a big part of our culture, and every good thing always has cons so I think it’s still a good thing. And I like the people, the people are open minded. The cons, a lot of people are open minded but theres also close minded people which is shitty, that don’t really get up and coming trends, um, I think its a wealthy school predominantly so if you’re not from that bracket you can definitely feel a little left out, um, so those are things we can work on, definitely, and greek life like I said definitely isn’t the most inclusive so thats definitely a con too. As much as it can be a pro its a con in that way.

Sydney: Cool! So you said earlier you’re from New York City, correct?

Taylor: Yeah I’m from the upper West side, go New York City! Go Rangers!

Sydney: So how was it adjusting to living in this more suburban area?

Taylor: Totally, so I went to boarding school in Southboro Mass, I spent 4 years in suburban life so it wasn’t much of an acclimation process, I had been living alone since I was 14, so.

Sydney: Cool, so what brought you here tonight!

Taylor: Date party! Which are like really fun social events where a fraternity rents out a bar, open bar it gets people together, get to let lose a little bit and you get to dress up, so I came with my friends to the date party here to sigma fi which is really fun.

Sydney: How’s it going so far tonight

Taylor: Going well, my liver is in a really dire predicament right now but, ill hopefully live to see another day you know. But I’m having a lot of fun, it’s nice to get to dress up and let lose a little but like I said before.

Sydney: What’s the party life usually like here?

Taylor: We’re a big party school, you know, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays always something going on, also sometimes Wednesdays so. You don’t want to take too many days off

Sydney: What other school were you looking at when you were applying places?

Taylor: So my Mom went to NYU so I didn’t really give it as much credit as I should have because I wanted to branch off but now in hindsight definitely would love to be in the city, I looked at Tulane, Bucknell, Colgate, um Columbia briefly but I didn’t even end up applying, um but I applied ED to Lehigh so I got in ED 1, Early decision first app like first chance I got in, and yeah so, by that point EA to Tulane and I got in there but I had to withdraw my application because I got in here ED 1 and when you get in ED you’re saying if I get in Im going to withdraw from other schools so. My college process was definitely less stressful because I got in so early So I wasn’t worried

Sydney: What were you looking at when you were applying to schools?

Taylor: The size, the culture, things I thought were important good academics, good fun social scene,

Sydney: Did you want to stay in the city?

Taylor: No. I wanted to get away from home. For sure. Also I was used to being away from home already so. But in hindsight the city is so dope.

Sydney: Were you considering places out west at all? Or just east coast.

Taylor: At first I wanted to go to California, so badly, didn’t end up applying to one school, saw Lehigh fell in love, kept it in the north east, and got In here ed 1 so. But yeah UCLA, USC, were schools I was really considering heavily, especially usc and ucla. Thats what I just said, im redundant, but

Sydney: Do you think that greek life here is a necessary thing to participate in and gives you a leg up?

Taylor: I mean definitely socially it makes it easier because your sorority will have parties but if you’re a GDI and you’re a bad bitch and you know yourself you can make it work plenty of people do here, you can still go out all our parties are open so yes they’re like scheduled with the sorority and fraternity but like at the end of the day they’re not going to turn you down especially if you’re a girl, its much harder to be a guy and not be in a frat I’d say. Being a girl you’re a girl, you kind of do whatever you want because you’re a girl and theres that sexuality of it where were not gonna turn away a girl especially a good looking girl or a cool girl but if you’re a guy, yeah it definitely hinders your ability because people would be like what frat are you in like why are you at our frat you know, like and that masculinity factor has been prevalent I think since fraternities started. So, its unfortunate but thats the way the cookie fucking crumbles.

Sydney: Also, I forgot to ask, what’s your major?

Taylor: Political science, pre law track

Matthew

Sydney: Hey, so what’s your first and last name?

Matt: Matthew, Fang

Sydney: Cool, and uh, how old are you?

Matt: I’m 20

Sydney: And how long have you been at Lehigh?

Matt: Um this is my third year so I’m a junior. Graduating with the class of 2020.

Sydney: Okay, so are you apart of greek life here?

Matt: Yes, I am.

Sydney: What frat are you in? Matt: I’m in Si U

Sydney: What are the pros of being in greek life here?

Matt: Um, the pros are definitely going to parties and stuff like that, we have access to going out all the time, theres always like, so many options, like obviously I don’t go to all my parties like I go to see friends here and there, but like, theres definitely like, you definitely have the ability to go out. Like previously Taylor said that it can be difficult for boys to get into parties, once you’re in a fraternity you automatically go to your own parties its just like that, um, the cons I would say are that definitely at the fraternities here, I don’t know about most but out fraternity in general Im not trying to talk shit, I’m just being honest, is like, that, they expect a lot out of you, like you to take the time out of your life and your schedule to do things for the chapter or door when there are parties, especially during pledging its like twenty thousand times worse, you’re expected to also door during pledging events and you just like show up to pledging events, and help out

Sydney: It sounds kind of like an internship then

Matt: I mean kind of, exactly its like a job. And this year I’m living off campus so I don’t have to deal with that bullshit.

Sydney: So overall, do you like being in a frat? Matt: Sometimes I do, sometimes I don��t. I sometimes wish I was in a different frat, obviously.

Sydney: What makes others different from yours, and what are the aspects that make you not like yours as much?

Matt: Just like everybody takes shit so seriously, like Im not the type of person to take stuff so seriously all the time, the only thing that I take seriously are my academics so. Like this I just can’t take seriously because like in the grand scheme of things it’s just not the biggest deal in the world.

Sydney: What’s your major?

Matt: I’m an econ major

Sydney: How do you like the Econ track here?

Matt: It’s like okay. It’s like annoying at this school because they give you so many requirements that you have to take beforehand and I had to take at least 10 classes just so I could take my major classes, so it’s annoying but its whatever

Sydney: Where are you originally from? Matt: I’m from Long Island, New York, in Dix Hills

Sydney: What do you like about your school?

Matt: I like that, like honestly I don’t really even know what I like about this school, like honestly after this year Ive started to hate everyone at this school. That’s why I’m fucking going abroad and Fing the fuck out, checking my bags because this fucking school.

Sydney: Where are you going abroad?

Matt: Barcelona

Sydney: Do you speak Spanish?

Matt: Yes, I can speak Spanish (starts to speak in Spanish)

Sydney: You live off campus this year right? Matt: Yeah, I moved off campus and I like it SO much better, like obviously Im closer to all the parties, I’m VERY close to my classes, like I walk to my classes and it’s a two minute walk. Depending on what building it’s in. So I don’t really have any problems with getting to my classes, and it’s a perfect location, perfect. So Im super happy.

Sydney: Were you in a double or a triple last year? Matt: I was in a single actually

Sydney: Cool, so you don’t really like anything about Lehigh, why? Like what specifically do you not like

Matt: I feel like the people are so competitive and cut throat here, like its a very cut throat environment. Like socially, and academically. The academics, like people do not help each other out, I know I’m like that too sometimes but like, I’ve had friends where I help them out and stuff, and, with exams and stuff, and when I ask for help they don’t even help me, you know, it’s so annoying.

Sydney: Is there anything else besides the people?

Matt: I mean, like what Taylor said about the parties, like, if you show up to another party, some guys in other fraternities are like what the fuck are you doing here, like what frat are you in, and that sucks in that situation. But I don’t really have as many problems with that anymore cause like a lot of people know who I am here

Sydney: You would agree that girls have an easier time getting in then right

Matt: for SURE, I mean depending on the girl of course, if she’s annoying or ugly, I mean I’m just being honest, um, like Carly is a slut for example, she will not be getting in anywhere.

Sydney: And do you think if you hadn’t joined greek life you would have trouble getting in?

Matt: I mean probably

Sydney: So overall do you think that greek life is a pretty big part of this school?

Matt: I mean I think it is in a sense, that parties, like if you want to go out obviously if you’re not in a fraternity you’re not going to be able to get in anywhere, like unless you’re friends with someone thats in that house. But like I definitely think it helps life socially, but academically in like the scheme of things its just not, cause apparently according to like statistics, a lot of people go here who aren’t involved in greek life.

Sydney: Are drugs a big part of the party culture here? Matt: I mean, if you mean like marijuana, then obviously yeah thats a big thing, cocaine is very prevalent here as well, I mean

Sydney: Cool, anything else you want to add? Matt: You’re dope as fuck

Sydney: Thanks so much!! And thanks for the interview!

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