#basic take I am aware but I just find their last scene so fascinating from a narrative point of view there are so many layers

[lustrethings]

It's very important to me that you understand that "their relationship had deteriorated into their own private hunger games" implies not only they were hunting each other, but also that they were both scared of each other and fearing for their lives

[makeste]

“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua​ has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua​ and @class1akids​’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua​ pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

[lubdubsworld]

物の哀れ ~ ( the sadness of things )

( Note : This is just a personal post for myself. I’m trying to just make a record of how the fic was conceived and all that I experienced, writing this fic ) 

Inspiration :

So, I ran into an article on Japanese words and I was incredibly fascinated by the phrase , Mono no aware or the pathos of things : Basically the sadness of things. It was a very unusual concept to me because it could be interpreted in so many ways. 

A little bit of digging around made me realize that some people linked it to the cherry blossom season where the flowers come into full bloom and add such a delicate beauty to the landscape. But of course, being seasonal, the beauty lasts for a very small time. The flowers die and their life ends . 

its fleeting and passes by quite soon.  So the sadness of things is basically how, the fact that something is fleeting or seasonal or about to end, should not take away from our enjoyment of things. Because yes the cherry blossoms die but people still flock to watch the cherry blossoms. 

The phrase came to me at a very troubled time in my life. 

My mother’s sister passed and she had raised me for a few years. I loved her deeply and she was only a couple of years older than my mother. Death was a thing that I had always viewed in abstract. The loss of a loved one was not something I had experienced on a very personal level, so it shook me.

 And of course, being the person I am , I did what I always do when I get overwhelmed : Research. 

I combed through reddit forums on grief, through blogs written by people who had lost loved ones , through blogs by psychotherapists, through online websites offering grief counselling and everything I could think of.

What fascinated me were two things :

 1. ) The non linear nature of healing ~ the stages of grief is a myth. Nobody goes through stages of emotional turmoil and then magically becomes better. 

By the way the whole stages of grief was formulated with reference to a terminally ill person coming to terms with their own death .

 So, it couldn’t really be applied to people dealing with the loss of a loved one. At least not directly.

And the second, one, 

2.) The very personal nature of grief ~ depending on how the relationship with the lost one is, grief varies. I realized then that only someone who had lost a loved one would know what its like. No one else could ever possibly understand the grief and pain that comes from loss.

As Heejin says in the sadness of things,” I would never know what his loss was like, because I would never know what he lost.” 

 It gave me a whole new perspective on how grief at the end of the day has to be a personal journey of healing , one that no one else can help you through. You need to live and hurt through every excruciating second of it. 

 There’s still so much I want to say about this but I’ll stop here. I’ll probably add to this as days go by. But yes, this wasn’t a fic that i wrote on a whim. It was something of a research project for me. An exploration of grief and healing. 

Thank you for joining me in this journey. It was definitely one of the most fulfilling ones I’ve ever had. 

  The Story :~

You can read it here :

⋆⋆✵ 物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)  ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1  ⋆  Chapter 2  ⋆  Chapter 3  ⋆  Chapter 4  ⋆  Chapter 5  ⋆

Chapter 6  ⋆ Chapter 7   ⋆  Chapter 8.  ⋆ Chapter 9.    Chapter 10.

Extra Drabble

Completed.

Alpha! Jungkook x Omega ! OC.

ABO Dynamics.

Genre : Arranged Marriage / Temporary contractual Marriage.

Warnings : Non- Con/ Extremely Dubious Consent . High functioning alcoholism. Genre related consent issues. Implied suicidal thoughts.

Summary : A recently widowed Jungkook agrees to a contract marriage to keep his company afloat. His grief overwhelms him and it is hard to look at his new wife as anything other than an intruder .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The characters :

Oh, boy. 

 I could go on about these two for years. 

 Jungkook and Heejin. 

Let me start with Jungkook : 

Jungkook in the fic came to me as a very troubled young man. In the fic he starts off as a very depressed young man. The opening scene of him staring listlessly into a bowl of cereal while his friends talk to him and Heejin just watches if from my own experience with depression in 2017. 

I would be numb in my body and mind with no idea what was going on around me and it seemed like everyone made all the choices for me while i just flowed along. It was a battle getting up in the morning. I had nothing to look forward to. Nothing to hope for. 

So Jungkook , depressed and confused and reeling from loss is our hero. 

Our main man. 

The one I wanted you guys to root for. 

The one I wanted you guys to see yourself in, in those moments when your pain and trauma changes you. 

When you’ve always been a soft spoken, kind hearted person but suddenly the pain overwhelms you and you just want to scream the place down. You want to hurt and hurt and hurt because you’re hurting and you don’t know how to process it. 

Jungkook’s journey is fraught with pain, endured and inflicted . He loses himself and his identity. 

He’s a CEO, a father and a husband and he can’t be any of those things, because of his grief. So there it was the three things I wanted him to find and love and enjoy by the end of the fic  :

His career doing something he loves :

Fatherhood raising the daughter he was blessed with : our lovely mina who I modeled on my own daughter ( and loved just as much ) 

and finally,

 A Love that was unconditional and beautiful. That maybe new and different from what he had lost in his wife but just as, if not more fulfilling. 

And so I stumbled into the woman who forever changed the way I perceived myself : Lee Heejin. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writing Heejin in this fic is so cathartic for me.

For years, I’ve been her. The voice of reason, the one to compromise. I would be the one every single person in the family would call , anytime anything went wrong.

Kind. Smart. She’ll know what to do.  She’ll never say no. She’s always laughing. So witty. She’s so funny.

The phrases just blur in my head. I’ve been this emotional punching bag for people for so long. I had a very abusive father and honestly no one was there to listen to me talk about him. If i tried, they would always ask me  what I did to make him behave that way.

So , if you think Heejin is a pushover, that she’s giving too much of herself to people who don’t deserve.....just know that sometimes, saying no and standing your ground is a privilege not everyone can afford. And because I’d been there i understood her.

That isn’t all she is though. She is also someone who  knows that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. At no point in the fic does Heejin see Jungkook’s actions as anything other than the abuse it is and for that i will always be proud of her. 

Heejin’s healing is much more complicated. She isn’t really healed at the end of the fic...because to be honest , I’m not healed and I don’t know what its like to be ....But she is on the path to it, and that’s what matters. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

[dreamylyfe-x]

Your trevor meta is making me realize how weird it is that the writers and cast were so insistent that mickey wasn't coming back, because I don't think theyve ever really known what to do with ian's story without him. They put him in these lukewarm relationships and tell us they're so much better and healthier, but then have ian straight up admit that he still loves mickey and nobody else has made him feel the same way. How do they set that up and then have him go back to trevor? They set up ian moving on with "I'm not that person anymore" and follow up with season 8. It's like okay...who he is now is gay Jesus? Lmao. He's always been the shows forgotten middle child and after they wrote mickey off "for good" they could have taken him in a million directions but they chose one so shitty it basically made cam leave lmao. Sometimes it feels like fan insistence kind of forced mickey back but in actuality, the seasons where he's gone just hammer home that he was always the inevitable end to ian's story. So bizarre how little the showrunners understand their own story sometimes.

Ok. I’m going to be a little more Doylist here than I usually am, because we’re talking about what the writers are thinking. And I’m also going to take this opportunity to share this fascinating article from the AV Club in 2016: When Fan Engagement Goes Wrong. Everyone beware, it contains significant spoilers for The 100. But it’s also largely about Gallavich, the fact that online promotion of Shameless leaned hard into the popularity of the couple, and were up against it when Noel left. I’ll quote: 

“[Supervising Producer Shelia] Callaghan’s choice to be honest and straightforward when engaging with fans is admirable, and yet also on some level futile. She can’t tell them exactly why Fisher chose to leave, she is (logically) unwilling to spoil future storylines outright, and she can only speak her own mind as part of a collaborative process over which she holds only some influence. So while many fans respect her effort to maintain the connection to this now marginalized community, others attack, reinforcing that attempting to manage these situations is a full-time job that no one has been properly trained for.” 

This article links some tweets and the one I find the most interesting is this one:

“But the actor left.  So...what to do? Have them just break up?? Felt way less true to me than a forced separation!” 

That tweet is from Krista Vernoff, who wanted to convey that they tried really hard to come up with what they do with Ian now that he’d lost Mickey. And I’m sure they did try really hard. And.... People hated it. Mostly. 

Here’s what I think, based on what I’ve read and the interviews I’ve seen, on deleted tweets and Tumblr rumours and YouTube clips: The show didn’t want Mickey to leave the canvas. At all. Noel wanted more money. The show could not come up with both that money and the money they needed for everyone else. The show let him go. And hoped they could solve the creative problem their budgetary problem had dumped in their lap. 

I actually think Ian’s story in season six is decent. I miss Mickey, of course. I find the last scene with him really painful -- but it’s not painful because the show is trying to diminish him. They write and then cut together a scene where Mickey is DEMONSTRATIVELY still deeply in love with Ian. He’s carved his name in his chest. He is looking at Ian like he’s the most beautiful creature ever given breath. And Ian can barely meet his gaze. They tell us Mickey is being sent away for 16 years but when we see the last of Mickey Milkovich in season six I think “God, this is so sad. They love each other so much and this is so fucked up.” 

I do NOT think “We are NEVER EVER EVER getting back together.” 

The show always knew what it had with Ian and Mickey. They leaned into it promotionally. They gave meaty storylines to the characters, particularly given that Ian was the fourth lead on a family dramedy built around six children. John Wells replaced Aaron Sorkin on The West Wing. He knows how hard it is to follow a phenomenon. 

The more I think about it, honestly? I don’t think they tried. I think they knew that they couldn’t bring in Mickey Milkovich, the sequel in season six, so they brought in Caleb. And maybe they meant for him to be a LITTLE more viable than he was... but I think there’s a pretty good chance they were just throwing something at the wall to see if it stuck, while being fully aware that the important storyline in season six was getting Ian from despair to a fulfilling career. Caleb was just there as a catalyst. 

Season seven if more interesting, because Trevor is brought on and it’s very much... “Hey, let’s do something new. Let’s bring on a transmasc character and put him into a relationship with Ian and explore those complications.” 

“Great! Put it up on the board!” 

“Also. Let’s call Noel Fisher’s people and see what we can work out because we can do better with Mickey’s send off and people are yelling at me on the street about it.” 

Quite honestly, these are not equal tasks for his writer’s room. You have one story -- Create a whole ass new character. The only thing we know is that he’s trans. Figure out the romance from there. You have six episodes to get them together as an established couple. 

Then: Bring back the well-established and beloved character for an epic romantic two-episode arc where he reunites with his true love and they run away together and then ultimately realize it cannot be, and say goodbye and it all feels like I Will Always Love You should be playing in the background. They actors worked together for five years. They have a great professional partnership. They like working together. They have a ton of history so there’s lots of juicy subtext. The longing and sexual tension comes pre-established. See what you can do. 

HOW do you make both those things work out so that they are equal? You need lightening to strike. And that already happened on How I Met Your Mother. They squandered their good luck and now there is none left for Shameless. I do not disparage Elliot Fletcher at all when I say that for Trevor and Ian to really work he’d have had to have come with scorching chemistry with Cam, rich material that really gave them a good opportunity to build rapport between the characters, and A wizard standing by to cast spells in the wings. They had SIX episodes, a pretty average connection between the actors, and the “these are the LGBTQ+ people in your neighbourhood” scene. 

I just can’t believe that someone with as many years of TV writing under his belt as John Wells has expected that to work. He hoped the Trevor story might be good, and was certainly going to break some ground in terms of telling trans stories. And the Mickey story was going to be the highlight, because he knew people wanted it and he also knew that they’d had something pretty special to start with. Which is why people were yelling at him at Comic-Con. I DO think he hoped it might placate fans a bit. But... he wasn’t going to completely close the door on Mickey this time, either. 

So... I don’t really think the show every intended to write Mickey off “for good”. I think they wrote him off “for now, and we’ll see what happens...” -- and they did that with Karen, Shelia, Jody, Steve and Fiona, too. They only brought a few of those people back... They brought Mickey back three times. They ended Gallavich FOUR times. Noel is in ever season except eight. I don’t think they wanted Mickey gone -- but I KNOW the fans also made it pretty hard for them not to know his value, so absolutely I think that played a role. But when you create something people love and you get that lightening in a bottle like they did with this story, I think writers are always going to be excited to get that back. They like praise! They like people to be excited about their show. And Gallavich was always one of the things that got people excited about Shameless. 

I think they also wanted Gay Jesus to be a great story. But that’s why the lightening in the bottle is so valuable. You can’t just get it anywhere. 

[ary-se]

Mankai with a roach

some of these are based on irl experiences so i hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as i did writing it LMAO no braincells were involved in doing this i am so sorry.. also tagging @tsum-uwu-gi for some of the totally whack ideas, tysm 🥰

🐪 the mankai dorm never really experienced having a roach flying all over the place that much, and even if it did, they're immediately dealt with by the moms of the dorm

🐪 that was mostly the case until that one specific day arrived, when the reliable people were gone for different reasons. tsuzuru was in his part-time job, omi was getting groceries, tasuku was a guest actor for another troupe, and no one knows what in the world sakyo was up to

🐪 anyways the first one to notice was azuma, he walked in the bathroom probably to take a dump or something - who knows really lol - when he found himself staring at a roach that was literally on the toilet.

🐪 azuma literally has no idea how or when it got there, but the fact remains that there is no freaking way he is going to use the toilet unless he wants a death sentence. the logical choice was to close the toilet and flush it, but at that moment he kinda lost his shit, both literally and figuratively, and so all he did was act composed as he quickly left the bathroom

🐪 "azu-nee, why do you look so pale?" yuki asked him out of curiosity in the dining room, but azuma is hella smooth so he just laughs it off and acts as if he totally wasn't horrified at all, "it's nothing, you're probably imagining things."

🐪 after that incident, nothing happens for at least an hour. unfortunately, a roach doesn't simply disappear just because you want them to, which was why azuma's efforts of not letting the roach escape from the bathroom were in vain...

🐪 for some apparent reason taichi sometimes has this tendency of holding his own pee before he sprints to the toilet and just bursts in there, so when he ran to the bathroom and immediately let out an ungodly screech, it's all fucking over

🐪 did taichi piss himself? who the hell freaking knows. if he did, mankai would normally either laugh or feel bad for him or both, but at that moment nobody cared about that. what actually mattered was that taichi left the fucking door open so the moment he screamed, the roach already started flying EVERYWHERE

🐪 the one who was nearby the bathroom that time was kazunari. even if kazunari acts like he is scared of roaches, he actually isn't and he is capable of killing a roach in sight. would he help taichi, who has his fly almost open, by killing the roach and call it a day?

🐪 the answer is hell no. killing it doesn't even cross his mind. kazunari thinks this is really hilarious, and if he finds something funny he doesn't do anything to solve the problem. kazunari would basically make things worse by going live on his instablam to record what is happening. in this case, it is all about the unwanted creature and where in the actual world it is gonna land

🐪 gladly, kazu's sanity is still intact that he didn't include taichi in his live for the first few minutes. if kazu did, taichi better say bye bye to his remaining dignity and write his last will so he can finally dig his own grave. people will forever know him as the ugly sobbing, screaming dude in the bathroom with his fly open, and that is honestly the last thing taichi wants to be known for

🐪 sakuya goes to where the chaos is, poor boy was legitimately confused as to why two people are yelling and laughing at the same time. it is normal in mankai but every time it happens, somewhing whack is happening. unfortunately for sakuya, he was completely unaware of the roach flying behind him

🐪 "hi kazunari!" sakuya greets, and the roach lands on the sleeve of his hoodie. sakuya is a pure little bean, he is ALWAYS a pure bean but if kazu was being honest, the current image of sakuya smiling widely while a roach is chilling on his sleeve was really unnerving in its own way

🐪 kazu started to laugh so hard that he is physically unable to explain to sakuya what was happening, and he felt so bad about it. sadly, kazu doesn't have the capability to stop laughing by force, does he? because of the lack of explanation, it took sakuya approximately 7 seconds of obliviousness before he notices

🐪 tenma arrived right after that, and the roach flies off sakuya's hoodie after he jumps from surprise. high and mighty carrot boy is now in for a storm cause the moment he appeared, the roach lands on top of tenma's freaking head out of all places

🐪 "hey guys, what's happening?"

🐪 "there's a flying roach. and it is now on your head." kazunari deadpans. he always tricked tenma when it comes to these kinds of things, but he is serious this time

🐪 tenma literally HUFFS as if he doesn't believe kazunari in the slightest, and tbh you can't blame him cause summer troupe gave him trust issues from their pranks. sorry mister. unlike their old pranks, it is actually real right now... kazu ain't joking, please believe him now

🐪 tenma shrugs and places a hand on his head nonchalantly to ~prove his point~, "you won't fool me again-" he froze the moment he actually felt something moist moving under his hand

🐪 at that moment tenma screamed one hundred fucking times louder than the entire mankai company could, the entire neighborhood would learn their lesson to bring earplugs wherever they go cause his screams are literally ear-splitting

🐪 tenma should say goodbye to his reputation as a k00L b0y 4ct0R😎 that he has maintained for so long cause a lot of people are already watching the live. also rip to the people who were using earphones... at least you have witnessed tenma's most unglorious moment on public. from that moment he is already and permanently a meme and there is no going back

🐪 "STOP SCREAMING HACK!!" yuki yells at him with all of his might, but it was super inaudible because his scream still reigns. the roach lands on the wall, so yuki grabs whatever was on the table. it was banri's fashion magazine, which is fucking useless by the way, because he still can't dress himself up no matter how many fashion magazines he purchases. good job yuki for using it as a sacrifice

🐪 yuki rolled the magazine and repeatedly whacked it to the wall out of pure annoyance so he can kill the roach. in all honesty, the roach would've been dead by now from yuki's wrath, but curse his height cause he can't reach the freaking roach no matter how hard he tried. sorry yuki, your courage and bravery were all in vain

🐪 amidst all the chaos, nobody freaking noticed muku, who was deadass in the living room the whole time. question is, how is muku not aware of what was happening? how did he manage not to hear taichi's and even the mighty tenma's screams? the answer is simple. HE WAS TOO ENGROSSED IN HIS SHOUJO MANGA.

🐪 when yuki was about to finally hit the roach, it flew to the cover of muku's shoujo freaking manga. for an unknown reason, muku doesn't even flinch. HE JUST KEPT ON READING. muku, everyone adores you especially with your love for romance but the kissing scene isn't important right now, PLEASE STOP READING THIS INSTANT

🐪 everyone literally went silent, nobody had the heart to tell muku. they just watched the roach crawl slowly to muku's fingers in suspense. after what seemed like forever, muku closed his book while giggling, but that didn't last forever cause he saw the roach and in a split second he dropped his book without any hesitation

🐪 muku got so freaked out they all felt sorry to the poor boy. he just stared at the shoujo manga that is now on the floor, endlessly mumbling about having to buy a new one because the roach already cursed his book and he will become unlucky and he might pass on the curse to everybody else and they will fail all their upcoming shows and---

🐪 anyways. the roach lands on citron's palms, and citron... surprisingly doesn't freak out. he doesn't care. actually, CITRON'S HAPPY??? he just looks at the roach in fascination and if it were any other creature it would look so adorable. but no, it had to be a ROACH and it's absolutely whack and disgusting. please remember that it is the same roach that came from the freaking toilet. citron, please wash your hands RIGHT NOW.

🐪 "CITRON KILL IT!!"

🐪 "NO, NO! POOR COACH!" citron shakes his head, reluctant to kill it. he kept the roach in his hands so nobody would be able to kill it... he was oddly protective of it and NOBODY KNOWS WHY. THEY ALL DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHY EITHER. citron please stop, what you're doing is making everything way worse. let go of that roach this instant and be hygienic just PLEASE oh my god

🐪 everybody already lost hope on trying to kill the roach, citron and his questionable logic is beyond their comprehension. but they refuse to waste their time fighting him about it because it will fly everywhere and no one wants that... lucky for them, tsuzuru finally arrives the dorms. HE IS EVERYONE'S SALVATION! SOMEONE WHO CAN FINALLY KILL THE ROACH! FREAKING FINALLY,,

🐪 yeah no, nevermind that. tsuzuru was so fucking tired from his part-time job that he just collapses right after he closed the door. please let the poor man sleep, don't even bother on trying to wake him up to kill the roach cause there's no way he is gonna wake up any time soon. cut him some slack. they felt bad for him but it happens way too often so they just left him on the doorway and that's it.

🐪 a few minutes after tsuzuru passed out, banri got back from no one knows where, probably shopping for more animal print clothes... who the hell knows. unlike the others, banri already knew what was happening without asking cause he has been watching kazu's live for like ten minutes already. if he was being honest, the whole thing was making him lose his shit so he tried to go back to the dorms asap to not miss out on anything good

🐪 coincidentally, juza also left their room from his long ass nap to see wtf was happening cause they were being hella noisy. after some explaining, when juza already fully figured out what was going on, he was aboutta kill it, ACTUALLY KILL IT, when banri stopped him. "you get out of this. i am the one killing it."

🐪 "get your own roach for you to kill, settsu"

🐪 curse their competitive asses cause it has reached to the point where they're already starting to beat each other up to death. the goal here is to kill the roach, not each other you dumbasses, get your brains straight please that's not helping anything don't be stupid for once

🐪 the roach flew from citron's hands and everybody screeched but finally, FINALLY AN ADULT walks in. tsumugi went in the dorm from the garden with a bottle of pesticide in his hand. once everybody noticed what he was holding, they were all getting panicky so they angrily screamed at him to spray it to the roach, it was too chaotic

🐪 tsumugi was so confused??? why was everybody angry at him?? what did he do to deserve this?? he doesn't actually think his pesticide works on roaches, but it was probably better if he stays silent about it since everyone will not listen and would force him to spray it on the roach anyways, what's the point

🐪 and so he did. at first, the roach stopped moving, so they assumed it was already dead. tsumugi then sprayed a lot more to make sure it actually was dead and everybody collectively sighed in relief. finally the fiasco is over. everyome can go back to their normal lives before this fucking happened

🐪 or not. the ROACH DEADASS FLEW AGAIN AND THEY ALL PANICKED. funny enough tsumugi calmly explained amidst all that, and it turns out tsumugi's pesticide was weak, and to top it all off it was water-based so it had no freaking effect on the roach whatsoever. too bad, so much for everybody getting false hope, huh. they wanna blame tsumugi for not saying anything before spraying but it is also their fault for getting worked up so whatever

🐪 itaru arrives from work, and one quick glance on what everyone was yelling about tells him that he refuses to participate in this crap. give him a freaking break please. he was dealing with work and you're telling him that he has to put up with this, too? hell fuckin no. he manages to quickly escape to his room to catch up on his games and it is a good thing that no one really noticed. they're too busy screeching every time the roach just flies outta nowhere.

🐪 masumi was deadass watching them from the sidelines. he could tell them to open the windows and just wait for the roach to fly outside so they can get it over with and call it a day. what a joke though, masumi giving helpful tips so everyone can calm down? yeah right haha no. he doesn't want to waste his energy on doing that even if their noise was actually getting into his nerves, so the whole duration he stays silent while he watches them lose their shit

🐪 this is one of the moments where they all legitimately wished misumi was here right now. him blabbing about triangles every second made them think that the roach kind of looks like a triangle when its wings are out. misumi what did you do to them to make them think this way?? did you make them do the triangle calisthenics or cathletics or whatever the heck that is??

🐪 knowing misumi, he can catch the roach in a matter of seconds. so where in the world is misumi? he is out again for his daily triangle hunting, obviously. come back, misumi... literally everything would be over in a flash if misumi decided to stay in the dorms today

🐪 despite this, for some apparent reason homare manages to find inspiration in all this. look, mister. the dorm is a fucking chaos. actual chaos. kazunari is somehow still live on instablam, wheezing so hard like he is gonna die any second now. the scene is literally just teenage boys screaming and running all over the place. two of said teenage boys are beating each other up... and one (1), ONE roach flies on top of everything, still fucking alive. EXACTLY WHAT PART OF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL INSPIRED HUH HOMARE!!! SPEAK UP!!!

🐪 the noise levels of mankai dorm is practically a headache at this point, if sakyo was here his boomer brain would be having a migraine that would be worth a week of pure pain and agony. for some reason, hisoka, who is on the sofa in the living room, literally in the MIDDLE OF THE CHAOS, just sleeps through it all.

🐪 how does he do that? just what kind of marshmallows does he eat?? do they permanently damage a person's hearing?? no matter how many times they woke hisoka up, he doesn't budge. what the actual fuck. and tsuzuru is still sleeping in the freaking doorway. at this point they could cuddle each other for all they want until they fucking die cause no amount of noise is gonna wake them up from their eternal slumber

🐪 after what seemed like forever, sakyo arrived and everybody immediately went silent. they stopped what they were doing except kazu, who was either incredibly stupid or incredibly brave, nobody wants to answer that right now. he is still live on instablam. even the live chat went silent.

🐪 sakyo still doesn't know what was happening but he knows it is BAD news, so he glared right at kazunari's camera and the last moments before the live ended was sakyo angrily stomping his way to kazunari and the screen blacked out

🐪 after learning that everything was only caused by a roach, sakyo got so mad that he managed to snatch a flip flop out of nowhere and killed the roach until it was completely crushed. it was safe to say everybody felt bad to the roach despite being the cause of everything. by the way, whose flip flop was that? nobody knows.

🐪 tasuku, misumi and omi arrived in the dorms while sakyo was lecturing everyone, and they still got dragged in without knowing what in the world happened. please pray for these poor souls they have to deal with his yelling without even being a part of it.

🐪 omi just bought groceries for dinner, he didn't waste his time to do that just to have no dinner tonight oh my god please give this man a break from everyone's bullcrap. tasuku's role in the other company's play was some random teen whose parents were mad at him for doing shit. he doesn't have to deal with sakyo actually getting mad too please let this man live in peace. and misumi? he isn't happy that he got dragged in, too. this is not very sankaku of you, sakyo

🐪 "MIYOSHI, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RECORD THE WHOLE THING? YOU'RE RUINING THE COMPANY'S IMAGE. ALSO THE BOTH OF YOU FIGHTING YADDA YADDA YADDA"

🐪 the lecture lasted for 5 hours and nobody ate dinner that night. everybody was so tired after that. nobody was allowed to speak and if someone mutters, sakyo will yell at them next. can sakyo still lecture you for another 5 hours even after that long ass session? unfortunately yes.

🐪 everybody was banned from eating meals the next day. the resident moms reached an agreement that at least one of them always stays in the mankai dorm so this never EVER happens again. once is enough, they do not need another fiasco like this one.

🐪 oh and was it mentioned that kazunari doesn't have a phone for a solid month? cause that happened, sakyo banned him. you bet he managed to live a phoneless life by logging on his social media platforms on other people's phones without sakyo knowing,, not really the definition of "phoneless" if you ask him..

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

[bnha-general-fan]

A little scene that I wanted to share about a demon!mic erasermic fantasy au idea i may write some day. Feel free to use it if you like.

Basically: King All Might, knight Shouta. In this AU the future king is selected via magic orb that judges if the person is worthy of the throne, and in turn worthy of the Mythical Artifact™ One for All, which is lost but every future king should be able to wield in case of an emergency. Said emergency being the legendary black mage AfO.

OfA and AfO are dismissed as fairytales.

But then AfO invades the kingdom with Shigaraki, the late Queen's grandson. All Might and AfO duke it down, All Might loses and is presumed dead. Shouta manages to get prince Izuku to escape before he himself escapes too.

Then one day, weak as he is from lack of food and rest, an amateur cult captures him to make him the sacrifice in a demon summoning ritual. Only they fuck up and the demon, who finds Shouta interesting, decides to make a deal with Shouta: he helps him in whatever in exchange for letting him 'borrow' his soul to study. Poor Shouta is so out of it, and the situation is just so unreal, that he agrees.

Cue to Shouta having to deal with a demon as the same time he looks for the missing prince and gathers a group to fight AfO. Along with a quest for the Mystical Artifact™ One for All that only Izuku can use which can help defeat AfO.

***

There comes a time in one’s life when you have to take a step back, gaze at all you have lived and done till then, and ask yourself a single question: how the hell did I end up in this situation?

If Aizawa Shouta had to answer that question, he’d probably say that it started when he decided to join the kingdom’s army. Now, joining an army may seen to have little to do with his current situation, where he’s about to be used as a sacrfice by some random cultist group to summon a demon, but hear him out.

If he hadn’t joined the army, he wouldn’t have discovered just how good he was at fighting. He wouldn’t have been recognised, and placed as one of the king’s guards.

If he hadn’t been placed as one of the king’s personal guards, he wouldn’t have met the king, a man he previously disliked thinking he was just a rich asshole who didn’t care about the country, but who he ended up liking because he was the exact opposite. He wouldn’t have developed the friendship and loyalty he had towards said king.

Which meant that when the supposedly non-existing dark mage of legends appeared in the kingdom with the previous queen’s biological grandson, who was supposed to be dead, on tote and waged a war in said grandson’s name for the throne, he would have made the smart decision and left before things went FUBAR, instead of staying and fighting because damn it, Toshinori is as self-sacrificing idiot who would gladly give his life for the country and Shouta wasn’t going to let him.

If he’d left, he wouldn’t have had to witness his king, the man he considered a friend, be murdered and vanished in a flash of magic. He wouldn’t have had to send the young prince away with some trusted people while he fought as a distraction. Wouldn’t have to be forced to flee and live the next several weeks scaping the search parties and avoiding enemy troops.

And he wouldn’t have been kidnapped by a cult who wanted to use his death to summon a demon. Why they wanted to do this, Shouta didn’t know and, honestly, he didn’t really have the energy to care. He just wanted to get out of this situation, put himself together, figure out how to rise an army powerful enough to defeat AfO and his puppet, and place the rightful heir to the throne in his place.

The cracking sound of lightning, as well as the sudden darkness of the room, shook Shouta out of his thougths. The cultists, who up until then had been chanting something in a language Shouta didn’t understand, shup up as this happened. After a few seconds, the candles around the althar began to lit themselves up one by one, though the area right above it was still encased in inky darkness.

Shouta knew this was the best moment to attempt to escape the bonds he’d been working on loosing, knew that he could manage to get away if he managed to be silent enough, but he just… couldn’t. Because the darkness above the althar was visibly writhing, bubbling, and slowly solidifying into a humanoid shape. And Shouta, who was just a soldier and had never witnessed something like this, could only watch in horrified fascination as the humanoid-shaped darkness rippled one more time and, in a blink, transformed into a truly breathtaking being.

Long, flowing blond hair. Tall and lithe. Sun-kissed skin. The being could be described as angelic if it weren’t for the gnarled horns growing from the sides of his forehead and the blood-red wings that matched the amused eyes doing a lazy swoop of the room, pausing briefly on Shouta before focusing on the cultists surrounding the althar.

“Well,” the demon spoke, his voice sending shivers down Shouta’s spine. “This has to be the clumsiest summoning I’ve ever been through, and let me tell you, I’ve been through some disastrous summonings. But this? This is just sad.”

The words broke the solemn atmosphere, sending everyone in the room into confused murmurs.

“Ah, you’re not even aware of bad you’ve fucked up. Lovely. Let me guess, you wanted to give me this guy as a sacrifice and demand my obedience in exchange. Am I close?” The demon snorted at the hesitant nods from the masked humans, revealing his sharp fangs. “And you thought, what, that I’d kill him and then ask what my orders were? Without a sealing barrier I have to bargain to free myself from? Or the threat of a holy magic user who could hurt me until I agree to your demands? There’s not even a holy object in the room!”

Ah, now that the demon pointed it out, Shouta couldn’t see any of those obvious things to bring to a demon-summoning ritual. Because of course Shouta would have to get kidnapped by an incompetent group, why was he even surprised? With how his luck had been behaving lately he should have expected something like this.

Well, with the way things were going maybe he’d catch a break and the demon would focus on the cultists, giving him a chance to run away.

“Though you at least did something correctly, which is to bring something that would interest the demon.” Red eyes focused on Shouta, and the demon grinned. “A pity you have no way to stop me from simply taking it and getting rid of all you.”

...Shouta didn’t know why he even bothered to hope anymore.

‘This may as well happen,’ he thought, utterly done with life at this point.

The demon moved from where he was floating above the althar, his red eyes staring into Shouta’s black ones.

“Of all the people in this room, you are by far the most interesting.” It said with an intrigued expression. “There’s something about you…” Shouta didn’t dare to move a muscle as the demon inspected him, not even when he saw the demon reach some sort of decision that clearly involved him somehow.

“Say, why don’t you form a contract with me?”

On the outside, Shouta’s reaction was merely a blink of surprise. On the inside though, he was freaking out and trying to process the request, because what the hell was this demon thinking?!

“You intrigue me,” the demon continued, “and your soul is… something I want to study a little more. Sadly, the only way I can stay in the human world for more than a few hours is if I’m in a pact with a human, so let’s strike a deal: you’ll have a powerful demon by your side to aid you in whatever you need. And in exchange you'll let be borrow your soul every now and then. Deal?"

Despite the sharp teeth, Shouta felt that smile was too charming to be from a demon. Weren't they supposed to be ugly? Monstruos?

'Focus!' He told himself. But between the unreal situation, the lack of sleep, and the fact that his last full meal had been several days ago his usually clear mind wasn't up to the task.

"...borrow my soul?" Was his brilliant answer.

"Don't worry, I'll give it back!" The demon chirped with a sunny smile that went too well with his handsome face.

This... this had to be a dream. This was too unreal, too fantastic for a poor soldier who'd only heard of demons in bedtime stories. This couldn't be real.

'Fuck it.'

"Okay."

Shouta stared blankly as the demon looked taken aback for a moment, before his charming grin turned into something more demon-like.

"Then we have a deal," he said as he extended his hand. Blinking tiredly, Shouta's last thought was about how cold the demon's hand was before finally passing out.

[readingaccountability]

snow crash - neal stephenson

my playlist (because of The Way That I Am)

final thoughts:

okay, im going to be honest right out of the gate- i cant decide whether this is a book id recommend or not. it was really fun for the most part, but personally there was a lot more exposition than id like. the early portions of the novel have exposition which feels completely fair, mostly things relating to worldbuilding. stephenson creates his own vision of future america, and some places online referred to it as cyberpunk, and some as post-cyberpunk. id be more in the latter camp, mostly due to the way he plays with tropes, leaving the reader unsure of which will be subverted and which wont.

the use of language was really fun, and i enjoyed the worldbuilding a lot. his vision of a futuristic capitalistic earth feels surreal in its immediacy and recognizability. the back jacket blurb ends with "a future america so bizarre, so outrageous, you'll recognize it immediately." which, yeah. a texan info-tech magnate? two competing corporations owning the highway system? suburban city-states? this was another enjoyable thing- everything was colorfully named, and names treated totally normally, which kind of poked fun at how we have everyday things named very ludicrously and for the most part we are totally blind to it.

one aspect i really enjoyed was that the author often doesn't make certain things clear to the audience, until he does, and then it becomes necessary to reassess the entire story and setting. this goes to underscore the theme of the importance of information and the ways we take it in and perceive the world based upon it. for example, we don't learn that y.t. is fifteen until maybe 75 pages in, at which point a lot makes sense in retrospect. the same thing occurs in the worldbuilding, as suddenly a detail is given in passing and the reader must incorporate it into the setting, which by default we assume to be similar in many ways to our idea of america. it keeps the reader on their toes as well as furthering the worldbuilding. for the most part, the tech stuff didnt feel outdated to me, despite being a future projected out from '92.

however, aspects of the book are definitely very 1992. id put these into two camps: the first, being that the book does at different times use slurs. the main character is black and asian, the n word is used a few times by racist side-character/antagonist types, as are a few other racial slurs. there was also the occasional usage of the r slur, within the narrative prose itself, rather than usage as an insult within dialogue.

the protagonist, who is named, unfortunately, hiro protagonist, is a great character and felt very fleshed out to me, though at times he reminded me more of dirk strider than normally would be ideal. (its obvious that stephenson and andrew hussie are of a similar type of writer, and play with similar tropes, lmao.) hiro is a man of many worlds. he seems to shift between them easily, though never fully existing in any of them. this is reflected in his background, both in his biracial identity and in having been raised on a myriad of army bases. this is layered further in his fluidity in interacting with both reality and the metaverse, yet remaining slightly, consistently aloof. fascinatingly the first moment i sensed this drop was when we meet juanita- aka where his real and meta realities coincide. the description of them as the adam and eve of the metaverse is both insanely romantic and thematically key (good god i wish we had more than like, two conversations between them). juanita designed the facial component to metaverse avatars, doing the majority of this work when the two were together, and hiro can see echoes of both their facial tics in the face of every avatar in the metaverse. in a way, by having done this work juanita is positioned by the narrative as one of the gods of this digital realm. she is also hiro's call to action, being aware of the coming trouble and alerting him to it, as well as connecting him to the informational database he needs to prepare.

y.t., the secondary protagonist, fucking ruled. i loved that she was just a fifteen year old punkass kid whose mom doesnt know how crazy this part time job is. y.t. being worried about her mom was a great thread throughout, and a really good balance to how obviously independent y.t. is. i do wish there had been a chance to explain more about her background (she has a dad who left who is mentioned in a throwaway sentence, and a boyfriend who is mentioned near the beginning but never again.) i really enjoyed how obviously hyperaware y.t. was at all times about her own place within the insanities of the setting, while also consistently writing her as a teen maybe in way too deep who thinks about things in typically teenage ways. but like, that wasn't ever held against her? the narrative meets her where she is. it was honestly awesome. HOWEVER,

i absolutely hated the raven and y.t. scenes. how creepy!!! he basically statutory rapes her!!! we know hes at least late 20s early 30s, because hes the same age as hiro. if this sort of content is upsetting to read for you, i definitely do NOT recommend this book. (if you want to avoid reading these bits: ch 47 y.t. meets raven, ch 50 they are in a bar eating, ch 52 things happen that result in y.t.'s anti-assault device activating- she did not activate it on purpose, but forgot it was there- and raven is knocked out.)

please PLEASE dont take any of the following analysis as like, trying to be apologetic towards this scenes. because again they were awful and hard to get through and really gross. but im also cognizant that the author was obviously trying to convey something by making the choice, like the way it was written is obviously not condoning this sort of thing.

i think maybe what stephenson was trying to get at with that, was that we see hiro internally negate any potential for anything untoward with y.t. basically immediately, since he kind of senses that she might have a small crush on him (though this doesnt last more than a fleeting moment, especially from her perspective). vs raven, whose 'poor impulse control' warning tattoo eventually elicits a sarcastic remark from hiro after he finds out raven and y.t. were "a thing". i really dont think hiro knew how far it went? like it was just suuuper weird, but i figured it was meant narratively to 1. execute the chekovs gun of y.t.'s anti-assault device, 2. contrast hiro and raven (especially considering the bike-racing argument where theyre telling the story together, which is supposed to parallel them, while contrasting the differences in how they ended up?), and 3. just to get raven unconscious, i guess. but good god it was weird and i hated every second of it, why couldnt the device have like, activated way earlier?? gah. fucking upsetting. moving past that!

honestly i was really frustrated by how little screentime juanita got, because the way she was introduced was so fucking interesting and then shes mostly off doing her own thing. the bits of explanation she gives at the end about what she was up to on the raft are so sparse and im like damn, can we get a little bit of her pov in here? please? that would have ruled. additionally, shes supposed to be hiros love interest, but we see so little of them interacting outside her intro scenes. a huge portion of why hiro is getting into the sumerian mythology is literally framed as something that will help him understand juanita, but we dont get to see him talk to her about it barely at all.

the supporting characters were quite fun, i particularly liked the librarian. big surprise, i liked the overly literal ai information-dispensor, lmfao. watching him and hiro interact reminded me SO hard of geordi laforge having honest to god conversations with the computer where he tries to coax information out of it, aka one of my favorite little aspects of tng.

and lastly, the major plot themes themselves. i adore the way stephenson approached action, it was very entertaining. usually i cant really visualize action scenes written out, but his use of language was really really effective and engaging. the plot itself was absolutely fascinating, though i found the premise pretty contrived. which isnt bad in itself, i was fully suspending my disbelief until the last hundred pages or so. which for a 550+ page book, isnt too bad.

i did like the approach of linking the ancient to the modern, that is always really neat. and i think ultimately stephenson did it in an interesting way, not how i would have done it, but definitely interesting! creating these ideas about information infrastructures, and there being words that can access those and be used to control people, was wild. not sure if i agree about the equating of religion to a virus, though he did specifically establish that it was more the approach to religion, than religion itself. (maybe if juanita had been more goddamn present in the narrative that could have been elaborated on a little more. literally her perspective would have been perfect in balancing that out!!)

ultimately what did me in was the very very very long winded MONOLOGUE where hiro re-explained the whole premise, in ways that didnt really neatly organize into a cohesive argument. a lot of the scenes where hiro talks to the librarian, which are interspersed throughout the book, are really exposition heavy, because stephenson is rooting his ideas in historical concepts that need to be explained to both hiro and the audience. and i thought all that was fine, because it was a conversation where hiro was grappling with the information, and he was figuring it out along with the reader, and most importantly it was a conversation between him and the librarian computer program.

howeverrr later on we get a full rehash of all that, where hiro makes clear some stuff that was just implied for the reader, and hes literally just telling these important men whats up in this big long monologue. utterly worthless. i kept reading it and going YEAH, we KNOW, we know this we know this. and the important men barely interjected. it added basically nothing to our understanding of the situation, other than reframing it. but everything added was already an implicit thing, and didnt really need to be said again.

the resolution to the book was stellar, the last 30-40 pages, once hiro is onto the raft, were great. ultimately after reading and giving some time to digest it, i think it was a solidly great book with a few big drawbacks near the end, but which dont carry through and sully the ending.

[duhragonball]

Launch?

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them: I think the main appeal to the character is that she doesn’t take any shit from anybody.    The blue version of Launch is pretty passive, but she also knows that anyone who messes with her for too long is going to have to deal with the blonde version.

To go a little deeper, I think there’s an enigmatic quality to Launch that draws people in.   We have no idea why she changes hair and personality when she sneezes, and we don’t know where she came from or what she was up to when she dropped out of the Dragon Ball story.   This sort of ties into something I’ve always maintained about the Vegebul ship: the main fascination lies in how much we don’t know.    The audience is left wanting answers, and has no choice but to invent those answers for themselves.   

I decided to look for information on sneezing in Japanese culture, just to see if I could find some insight into the character.    I had a hunch that there must be some figure of speech about a volatile person changing moods as often as they sneeze, or something like that.   What I found instead was the superstition about a sneeze meaning that someone must be talking about you.    I didn’t think this had anything to do with Launch, but then I found out the superstition goes a little deeper.    If you sneeze once, then someone must be saying something nice about you, but if you sneeze twice, then someone’s saying something bad about you.  

So that might be what Launch is based upon.   When she sneezes, someone must be saying something nice about her, and she becomes nice in turn.   But on the next sneeze, she turns bad, just as someone must be saying bad things about her.    Really, though, she turns the whole superstition on its ear, because of all people, no one’s ever talking about her while she sneezes.   They’re always watching her with breathless anticipation.    

Anyway, I think it’s her lack of a coherent character arc that intrigues people.   You can sort of piece something together, but nearly all of her appearances in the anime are filler scenes, so it’s almost a guarantee that you’ll be putting more thought into it than the writers. That scene where she’s working in a food truck could mean that she’s gotten her life in some kind of order, but with her, there’s really no telling.  

Why I don’t: I find the lack of hard information about Launch frustrating at times.   I feel like there’s some awesome throughline that I should be able to find that would define the character in some profound kind of way.    Mark Waid could figure it out, I bet.   I still need to read his run on Archie.   He probably did some 4D-chess character study on Coach Kleats or something that would blow my mind.    I’m sorry, this is supposed to be griping about Launch and instead I’m griping about how envious I am of Mark Waid.    Uhhhh... I dunno, maybe she shouldn’t be stealing stuff all the time.  

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I can’t think of anything better than the episode where she’s getting drunk over Tien’s death in the Saiyans Saga.   It’s a great followup to their last encounter, where she wanted him to join her in robbing banks, and he wasn’t interested.   

Death wasn’t that big a deal for TIen in the long run.   He just ascended to the next plane and trained under King Kai, just like how he trained under Kami in the year leading up to the Saiyan invasion.    But for Launch, it’s a big deal, because he’s finally gone somewhere she can’t follow.    And at last, she begins to understand why Tien isn’t interested in stealing money.   

And then... nothing.   She shows up again at the end of the Kid Buu fight, giving zero indication as to what’s happened in between.   What happened to her?   You decide, because Mark Waid costs too much money to hire, and I sure got no clue.  

Favorite season/movie: Probably the Tien Shinhan Saga by default, since her fascination with Tien is probably the biggest character development for her.   And she figures into this weird glitch between the anime and the manga.   See, the manga version of the 22nd Budokai is much shorter, so Launch never leaves the hospital after they take Yamcha there to deal with his broken leg.   You don’t even see her until the final match, where she, Bulma, and Yamcha are listening to the play-by-play on the radio.   But in the anime, the tournament is drawn out over a few days, and she watches all of Tien’s matches in person, and even attempts to murder Chiaotzu.    So it’s a weird deal, which is perfect for Launch.

Favorite line:  Probably the line where she explains what happens to her when she sneezes, since it’s the only concrete evidence that she’s aware of her double personalities.    Blonde Launch sometimes goes “awww, no!” when she feels a sneeze coming on, but that could only mean that she hates sneezing, even without knowing what it means.   But Blue Launch knows she has another self, which means the Blonde one must be aware of this as well.  

Favorite outfit:

It gets no better than the black shirt and army surplus pants.  

OTP: Tien.   There’s so little we know about Launch, so I’m inclined to hang on for dear life to the one thing we do know, which is that she’s very interested in Tien.  

Brotp: None.  Launch is a very solitary character.   She’s the wind.  

Head Canon: Not really a headcanon, but a story idea that I couldn’t really work out, but I thought it might be interesting if Launch’s Launchness was like a physical condition that could be imparted upon other people.   Like, Bulma gets it, and then she ends up alternating between robbing banks and standing around going “Oh my!”  But I wasn’t sure I wanted to reduce the original Launch to that sort of explanation.   “Oh, we know what causes this, and it’s something we can turn off.”   

This may be why I struggle to come up with story ideas for Launch, because my impulse is to try to invent some neat and tidy explanation for Why She Is Like That, but doing such a thing would force me to choose one possibility and exclude any other, potentially better ideas.   

Unpopular opinion: Toriyama forgot about her because there was really nowhere left to go with her at that point in the story.   Once DBZ started, the story became less about Goku’s friends and more about Goku’s family, and Chi-Chi basically took Launch’s spot.   She was introduced as a foil for Master Roshi, and then got a stint as Tien’s love interest, and then the series progressed to the point where Tien and Roshi were both afterthoughts, so of course Launch was going to become even more of an afterthought.  

And this is okay, because this is what happens with supporting characters.   Like I was saying, if she actually stuck around, and showed up in every “All-the-side-characters-watch-what’s-happening-on-TV” scene, I don’t think she’d be as interesting as she is with her long, mysterious disappearances.  

A wish: I hope my next attempt to write Launch goes well.  

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: I don’t really have anything to put here.

5 words to best describe them: Enigma wrapped in a mystery.

My nickname for them:  Ain’t got one. 

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

Hi, I recently came across your post talking about dark Daenerys always being the end game. I thought you did an excellent job showing the foreshadowing fans missed from the show. What surprised me on the show was JonxDany. I just couldn't wrap my head around the "romance". It felt out of character and illogical. As someone who loves Daenerys as a character and seems to really understand her, do you think they were in love? Is it tragic or political? I can't seem to reconcile it. Thank you!

Hi Nonnie! Thank you so much for the compliment, oh my goodness! And thank you for the ask!

Tbh with you, I never quite wrapped my head around the Jonerys romance either. I know a lot of people thought it was due to the lack of chemistry between Emilia and Kit on screen (I disagree, that dragon riding scene in 8x01 proved they did which makes me think their lack of romantic chemistry was intentional on the show’s part through the writing and editing), or that it was rushed (this part could be possible since they rushed her dark turn as well). But I honestly think it was meant to be tragic for both Jon and Daenerys, but more political on Jon’s side, at least in the beginning. 

I know a lot of people don’t agree with the pol!Jon theory and think it’s just that, a theory, but looking at the time from when Jon has met Dany through to the end, I find it hard to think anything else. Because that certainly would have explained away the receding of Jon’s POV/character after he and Dany met. It also would have went in line with what Kit had said before the beginning of season 7 about Jon being more political that season, possibly manipulating (I don’t think he used that exact word but I’m paraphrasing for him), but doing it kindly. Even though GoT blew up everyone’s arcs at the end of the last season, at the time, we knew there was a reason that Sansa said the line to him in 7x01 “You need to be smarter than Father. You need to be smarter than Robb” and we had seen Jon listening to Sansa by him deciding to leave the North (and organizing their defense for the upcoming battle) in her hands, asking Sansa what she thought when he got Tyrion’s scroll in 7x02, and what he says to Tyrion in 7x03. So, I personally think they were gearing up for Jon to do whatever it took to get Dany and her dragons up North for the battle (while probably not feeling all that comfortable about it but knowing it had to be done), which is why I think we see him and his band of men go on that quest in 7x06 & meet with Cersei and Co along with Dany in 7x07. 

There’s just too many questionable moments that happen from 7x03 to 8x06 that prove Jon was not as smitten as Dany was with him: 

The way he studies Dany reuniting with Jorah, the fact that he seems almost uncomfortable when Dany says in 7x05 “I’ve grown used to him” & his response “I wish you good fortune in the wars to come, Your Grace” and he doesn’t look back once as they push the boat out into the water (I think they purposely showed the contrast between Jorah saying goodbye to Dany vs Jon saying goodbye to Dany, there was definitely a reason they show Jorah looking back and not Jon but they play Jon and Dany’s love theme in the background - x)

Jon’s “what did I do face?” after he bends the knee figuratively in the boat cabin (3:23 - x) (though to be fair, the 7x06 script confirmed this is when Jon realizes he has feelings for her after seeing Dany mourning Viserion so this reaction of Jon’s could be that he basically just gave the North away)

Jon’s reaction and looking over at Varys and Missandei after Dany blows up on Tyrion in 7x04 and says “Your family, you mean? Perhaps you don’t want to hurt them after all” (1:11 - x) - which is really foreshadowing that Jon will have to make the same choice eventually, that Dany will give that ultimatum, me or your family, which she does in 8x04 and then inadvertently continues to in 8x05 and 8x06 - then Dany pushes him for advice, he gives it to her, and she doesn’t completely follow it to the letter, and then eventually she disregards it completely when she burns down KL in 8x05

Jon not showing any emotion when he receives word that Arya & Bran are alive & back home while in front of Dany though we see his reactions in 8x01 when he’s reunited with them (7x05) (8x01)

Jon’s reaction to the Northerners’ not so great reaction to Dany that was cut (0:43 - x)

Drogon watching Jon and Dany make out in 8x01 and Jon keeping his eyes open as he kisses Dany & keeping her in front of him (a very common trope, if that’s the right word, to indicate that something shifty is afoot or there is distrust - 4:11 x)

the infamous squint Jon has in response to Dany talking in response to Tyrion (x) which they definitely included for a reason and this for me solidified Kit as one of the Masters of Microexpressions

Jon’s reactions to Dany (that she can’t see) when she visits him in his room after the Feast in 8x04 (x)

Jon’s immediate whiplash worried turn to Dany when Tormund says proudly “or a King!” to check her reaction (x) plus the framing in this scene is not only meant to show the increasing isolation & paranoia Dany is feeling but for Jon to have his back to her (after they shared that warm smile no less which she realizes in 0:45 - x) I think it speaks very loudly that he is not as head over heels as people think he is but that he is placating her while also caring about her (she is family to him, the last of his real father’s family, & he’s also still attracted to her)

his glare to Sansa while planning the assault on KL to get her to shut up for lack of a better way to put it (2:36 x) which Tyrion later confirms in the same episode with his line to Sansa “why provoke her?” which leads to Sansa realizing Tyrion is afraid of Dany and then she also realizes Jon is too (Jon’s fear is not confirmed in dialogue in this moment but the ones seeing the writing on the wall for this whole thing, it wasn’t a large leap for them to make, knowing the characters they way they do) which then leads to her telling his secret

Jon giving himself up basically, to go South, I think he’s very aware he will not be coming North again once Dany wins and that is why he asks Tormund to take Ghost with him - you see him saying goodbye to Sam and Gilly, finding out about their child on the way, to Tormund, to Ghost (I know people were mad that Jon didn’t pet Ghost, I was too, but I think he honestly couldn’t handle it at that moment and I’ve seen brilliant metas circulate that talk about how Ghost is an extension of Jon and his injuries and look echo how Jon really feels - & if you see the sliced ear, it’s very possible that they are fully correct in that reading, Jon has stopped listening, he’s doing what he thinks is right, what he has to do, his duty, he’s not listening to Sam or Tormund or Sansa or even Arya) - this whole scene is meant as a goodbye to Jon Snow as a character (his Night’s Watch arc, his Wildling arc, even his bastard/Stark arc (and his wants that he has, his response to Gilly when she tells him they want tto name their child after him: “I hope it’s a girl” is just heartbreaking, Jon wanted a family someday (5:08 - x, notice how the Stark theme starts up subtly in the background) & he always wanted to be a Stark and in his mind, he is getting neither one nor does he think he deserve them at this point) and I think that’s why they don’t have any other Starks in that scene (& plus they had the Starks in that other scene in 8x04) (x) -- this whole scene really is the proof in the pudding for me regarding the whole duty vs love debate, coming down on the side of duty

Jon’s “I love you” in the fireplace scene seems to be more an answer to not just reassure her but tamp down any growing fury after just witnessing Varys’ execution (1:11 x) immediately followed up by his usual line “you will always be my queen” and then when she asks “is that all I am to you? Your queen?” notice that he doesn’t answer but lets her kiss him which he then doesn’t return and she realizes (notice his loud breathing too, it’s not passion, it’s fear, fear of what it might mean that he is not returning her affection so to speak, sadly for Dany I think she realizes this too and that’s why she subtly shakes her head, steps back and says “alright, let it be fear”, the part of me that loves Dany truly felt horrible for her in this moment though she scared the crap out of me too lol, it’s harsh because she really does love Jon, not enough to give up the IT and her destiny, but enough that she wants their relationship to work, that she did go up North to fight for him, delaying the attack on KL, she lost Jorah and Viserion, her forces were depleted, idk I just have some sympathy for her here because I still love her, and this is before she went full on dark, and Jon’s “I love you” was said softly with some measure of warmth in his eyes I think but I don’t believe he meant it the way she wanted him to)

Kit had this to say right before season 7 aired which I find fascinating because yes while he can’t give away spoilers, he didn’t need to answer this so definitively. And while he didn’t know what was going to happen in season 8 yet, I think this lends creedence (is that the right word?) to the fact that Jon was not head over heels in love with Dany (not like he was with Ygritte)

But saying all of that, I think by the end, Jon definitely cared for her. I don’t think he wanted her to die or even go bad. I think he was ready to give himself up to be with her to protect his home, to placate her, but also so there would no longer be a Targaryen living alone in the world. I think he remembers Aemon’s words all too well. However, I don’t think he could reconcile himself to a full on romance (which I think incest did play a part into it, but I think had that not been a factor, he still wouldn’t have been head over heels for Dany, incest with cousins and uncles/aunts was common in the GoT universe, Starks in history married their cousins at times [look back at their family tree, they were no strangers to it], and we all know about the Targaryen inbreeding, but I really think it has more to do with who Dany ends up being in the end than anything, and that’s why we see some moments that could be misconstrued as romantic and some warm, I would almost say tender, like the waterfall scene in 8x01 before Drogon enters the frame so to speak). I think, like every other character in the show that came into her orbit, Jon had feelings for the same Dany that they all did, that Jorah was in love with, that Tyrion believed in and was also in love with, that Varys supported until he couldn’t: the breaker of chains, the girl who walked into a fire with three eggs and out of the same fire with three dragons, etc. But once the curtain was pulled back and the Wizard was revealed, after he was around her long enough, I think Jon knew who she really was becoming and I really believe that played a major part in the portrayal of their “romance”. I also think that when Jon left to go to KL in 8x04, a part of him planned to take up Jorah’s role in Dany’s life. Not to say that he could replace Jorah or become a full on advisor to her, but that he would join Tyrion, Varys, Grey Worm, and Missandei in helping to win Dany back her IT like he promised but also to keep her placated, maybe help steer her in the right direction. And be someone who genuinely cares about her, another Targaryen (though no one knowing he was one had Sansa not told Tyrion). Until she tired of him or decided to kill him to end the threat his birthright posed. He says as much in 8x06 to Tyrion “That’s her decision”. I don’t think he ever thought Dany would actually ask him to join her on the IT and it definitely wasn’t something he wanted.

I did mention tragic for Jon, too, and I think that’s where the tragedy comes in. He has now become the Targaryen alone in the world, he is now a queenslayer, a kinslayer, and he is exiled back to the Night’s Watch. He had to kill someone he cared about, he had to kill a woman (he couldn’t do it twice before, with Ygritte and Melisandre), he had to kill his last living Targaryen family. And he had to do it while deceiving her in that last moment (which is why I think they dialed back the whole pol!Jon thing if it was ever on the table, which I definitely believe it was at some point) and watch her die. It wasn’t something he wanted to do as we know, but he had to, and we see him questioning himself even after she’s gone. (x) So I feel it was more political (in the beginning), complex (middle), and tragic (in the end) for Jon but for different reasons than Dany.

As for Dany, I think from her end, it was meant to be more of a tragic romance. In the books, I believe, there is a prophecy that Dany will know three betrayals and love is one of them. I don’t know if they carried that into the show here exactly, but there is a common theme of betrayal among Dany’s arc as we all know. I think she truly loved Jon and hoped he would be what she could never find before, had never seen in Viserys (not that she considered him romantically but I mean since he was the only other Targaryen she knew about at the time, and she knew the Targaryen history of siblings marrying siblings), or Drogo, or Daario, or even Jorah. Regardless of her feelings for any of them, regardless of their feelings for her, I think she thought she found what she wanted, what she needed, in Jon. Though I think finding out about Jon being her long lost nephew (and rival claim to the IT) deterred it maybe for a moment (or make her at least second guess it), but she still loved him and felt just as strongly. Not enough to deter her from her goal and her destiny (after the Great War is over, I mean), but as much as she possibly can. I think she really thought Jon was it for her. I also think she expected betrayal from Jon as she states in 8x05 to Tyrion (x), and then the look she gives Jon after Tyrion is taken away to a cell in 8x06 (1:50, you can also see Jon’s shock here because he wasn’t expecting her to be watching him so closely & he realizes oh crap, don’t blink, while they play the love theme in the background, she’s waiting for him to “betray” her too and had he defended Tyrion then and there, I have no doubt she would have thrown him in a jail cell, too, waiting for judgement aka execution x) but when he doesn’t “betray” her and she’s attained her goal, she is ready to make plans to rule together and be with him completely. It is definitely tragic for her end because here she expected him to betray her (like everyone else has at some time or another except Missandei, GW & Daario) twice by then, and the one time she doesn’t expect it, he does (no matter how it might have been justified & Jon’s only option) and it means her end. I’m not justifying her actions at all but I can see where they attempted to portray this as a tragic romance for her but only for her. Dany’s POV ends up swallowing most of the show in season 8, to the point where her story line becomes basically the show’s story line. Her arc becomes the sun that all other arcs are orbiting around and this is because she’s the other Big Bad after the Night King. Plus, I also think they were planning something big with Jon and that’s why they removed most of his story (so to speak) and important moments with the Starks, etc, for the big reveal in the end (it’s common in other shows I’ve seen and they did everything the same way they did in those other shows until 8x06 when they abandoned it). I don’t know what changed in the end, but that’s what I truly believe was what they were going for when it came to Dany herself. Tragic romance. I don’t believe it was ever political for her, in any way, shape, or form. I think once she fell in love with Jon, that was it.

The love theme itself “Truth” if you listen to it on the S7 soundtrack (Ramin Djawdi is a master btw) has an epic feel to it but almost a tragic one (though tragedy takes a back seat to the epic). It’s more Targaryen theme in nature (I have no idea what specific instrument you would call it) and you can hear it coming from Dany’s side almost, if that makes sense. And I think that’s because not only does it refer to the scene where Bran reveals who Jon is, and the boat sex is happening, but also because I believe it was only meant for Dany to experience this great romance. It does start out Stark-y just a tiny bit but then turns into something more, swells, and you can hear a slight Targaryen tint coming to it. After the first swell of music, you can almost see the boat scene happening in your head, whether you’ve actually seen it or not, and there’s almost a trepidation in the beginning, a contemplation, and then it’s all in, both feet over the edge and all hands on deck, pardon the pun. (x) This music plays as we know during the bending the knee scene in another song “See You For What You Are” (x), more subtle, but it’s there. And I think not only is it because it’s the moment where Jon realizes he has feelings and this leads to opening the door for the boat bang, but also because it’s what Jon says (this song, to me, sounds even more Targaryen-y to me) to Dany after he bends the knee, “see you for what you are” not who. And I know I mentioned it above, but it also plays during certain moments in season 8 that really make you question that romance, like that scene in 8x06. I think it’s all very telling. 

I have to be very honest, I’m not pro-Jonerys at all. But it’s not because I hate Dany or Jon or hate the idea of them together or get squicked by the family angle, it’s because the relationship was not good for either of their characters in the show. 

I remember watching 7x06 for the first time and seeing her reaction (or lack thereof) for Viserion’s death. I think she was in shock when it happened but who does she stand on the wall waiting for after? Jon. And that bothered me so much because she was the mother of dragons and they were the only children she would ever have. (and I might be more slightly biased towards the animals on the show) Yes, she did cry for Viserion on the boat later, but it’s almost more muted I feel because it blurs with her concern for Jon in that moment. That bothered me tremendously. Little did I know this would become a recurring theme for the last season as well: Jon comes first to everything else except the IT. (and I personally can’t stand it when this happens, I’m sorry, I’m all for love, but when you lose who you are, when you sacrifice yourself, I just can’t get past that) We do see her pain in 8x01 when Bran tells her about Viserion, and her pain at Rhaegal’s death in 8x04, but this is a strong female character who has proven she doesn’t need a man to run things. She is not someone who would get so besotted with someone that she would push everything else to the back burner and allow whatever is happening with him to color her decisions (I know, we all fall in love and it can happen, especially if it’s a first love or something akin to what one can feel as true love, if they’re convinced it’s that, but damn). Daario made suggestions to her but in the end, she made her own decisions. Drogo told her how to be but in the end, she figured out a way to appeal to him to do as she wanted (as we see in that scene where she takes the women into her care). Jorah advised her, so did Tyrion, but in the end she made her own decisions. 

I hate it when they do this to strong female characters (which is why I despised the whole Sansa vs Dany thing, I get it story wise but here were two arguably incredibly strong women going head to head over a man most of the time or at least they tried to show being a factor in Dany’s fall and it just... ugh). So not only did Dany falling in love with Jon lead to her fall, her demise, but it wasn’t good for Jon, either. He had to keep who he was a secret, he had to placate her, give himself up and over to duty, the table was not tilted towards him really in their relationship, not in season 8 at least, the power dynamic was all screwy (as shown in that bedroom scene in 8x04 & the fireplace scene in 8x05). I just don’t think they made a good couple to be honest, not one that could have worked out long term I think, despite what happened in KL & Jon feeling uncomfortable. Personally, not that I’m the show or GRRM, but I think eventually, had Jon not married her and ruled with her, there would have been a Dance of Dragons 2.0 with Jon possibly losing in the end. It depends really on if anyone else found out about Jon’s parentage and how much of a threat ir would have become. And I love both characters too much to see either of them go that route. But then of course, that happened so... 

Anyhoo, I’m so sorry for the 100 page essay in response lol. I swear I didn’t mean to get so wordy. I guess I still have a lot of thoughts where this show is concerned. This was my first ask, thank you so much for being it and for such an amazing question! <3

[belovedrival]

“Where sky and water meet...to find all you seek...”

Last Friday evening, I went sailing with my sister-in-law, Awesome K (aka AK :)). She has her own boat so until Friday morning I assumed we’d be sailing on it. Not so. We were actually taking part in a yacht race. Well, she was, and I was along for the ride. Literally.

My father-in-law drove me to the dock. During the race, he walked AK’s dog. We did see them once - we made sure to wave!

AK sails her own boat (with a friend), but she also sails as part of a crew on a yacht*, owned by another friend of hers. This friend, D, is big into yacht racing, as well as wanting to introduce as many people as possible to his hobby. 

I want to go ahead and dispel the mental picture that you’re probably getting. Ooooh...yachts! Huge boats owned by billionaires! Well, there are those. D’s yacht, Mud Shark, is...way more common. It was 37 feet long. I don’t know how tall the sails were. 

I was a bit nervous, thinking how am I supposed to do anything helpful during a sailing race when I don’t have a clue as to what I’m doing? AK and D, along with Big Guy and fellow Former Ohioan (the other two members of the crew) put me at ease right away. Due to COVID, the yachts were allowed one passenger during the race. (I don’t know how many they were allowed previously.) Passengers are not to help with the race in any way - they’re just to observe. D told me, “You’re ballast. You’ll just need to move from side to side, and stay on the high side.” I was fine with that. :)

The race took place in the Oakland Estuary. There were very specific rules: certain buoys had to be passed on the starboard (right) side, and boats had to stick to the prescribed route. We basically sailed from one end to the other (not all the way, just mostly) for over an hour. If that sounds boring, trust me, it wasn’t.

When we got to Mud Shark, D commented that there wasn’t much wind. And there wasn’t - even I noticed that. Conditions, however, changed. By the time we’d left the dock and gone into the estuary, the wind had definitely picked up. It wasn’t a steady wind; it was gusting, which AK said made sailing more difficult.

D cut the engine once we’d gotten far enough. The sudden stop of the rumble underneath me made me even more aware of the wind. It was literally the only thing powering the boat.

In the modern age, we’re used to engines running every sort of vehicle. It is an odd feeling to be at the mercy of the elements. R-E-S-P-E-C-T to our ancestors, who lived that reality every day.

Before the beginning of the race, D had the others practice certain activities - turning the jib sail (the smaller, front sail in front of the main sail) and main sail from one side to the other, and tacking. I’ve looked up the definition of tacking but it kind of eludes me. The best way I can describe it is, when you’re on a sailing vessel and the captain calls for a tack, prepare for the boat to turn. For me, it meant both grabbing (or getting a better grip on the line on the bow) and also preparing to scramble to the other side of Mud Shark. 

While my only activity (other than watching the others move the sails in one direction and the other and try not to trip each other with ropes) was moving from one side of the boat to the other, this was by no means easy. Once we got going, Mud Shark was up and down, side to side, and every time I scrambled across the stern, usually at a crawl, I was always aware that if I didn’t have a good grip, the odds of me being pitched overboard were pretty good. And the wind was cold. I did not want to end up in the water. Of course we were all wearing life jackets, so even if the worst had happened, I wasn’t afraid of drowning. But the Oakland Estuary is...kinda gross.

There’s definitely strategy in sailing, as there is in any kind of race. One boat shadowed us at one point. BG told D, “they’re trying to catch the wind and cut in front of us.” And that’s exactly what happened. It was frustrating. To be fair, there was another slower boat that was in our way when we could have tried to cut off the boat that passed us, so some of it was just bad luck. At certain times, especially while tacking around buoys, boats were really close to each other. Like, we could practically hold hands with the other crews. No one did, obviously - and not just because of COVID. With all the bumping and jostling, it was easy to see how people could get hurt.

Watching AK, BG and FO scramble around, tying and untying ropes, trying not to get hit by the boom (base of the main sail) when it swung from one side to the other, was fascinating. At times there was a ton of activity going on, and at other times, like when we tacked and were downwind, we were almost dead in the water. I’d been prepared for the boat to lean one way or the other, but there were a few times when it was...a lot. Like me, AK, FO, and BG hanging off the port side, our left legs dangling and trying to compensate for the angle with our body weight. I was never afraid that we were going to capsize but it was intense, especially at the beginning of the race when the wind was gusting. D said more than once, “get ready for a puff”. I had to ask him what that meant. It’s a puff of wind. Duh...D, by the way, was great. He never made me feel stupid for any question I asked. He really likes for people to get into sailing, and is a sailing mentor to AK. I can see why. He’s calm, and obviously knows what he’s doing.

We finished second in the race. When we got back to the dock, the others pulled the sails down and wrapped them (I did help with that), and D had all of us eat some Ruffles chips. He then had me sign my name and the date on this looooooong stretch of blue tape that he’s kept, with the names of every person who’s sailed. Oh, and someone (FO, I think) produced a chocolate cake, so we ate that too. 

Honestly, I thought I’d like sailing when AK had talked about it, otherwise I never would have told her I’d like to try it sometime. I don’t think I like sailing, though. I think I love it. It’s just a bummer that we live a thousand miles minimum in all directions from any kind of ocean.

I am currently thirty-nine years old. If you ever want to try something new, do it. It doesn’t matter how old you are. You might just find something you love.

*During my re-watch of Downton Abbey, there’s a scene when Cora asks her mother, Martha, what her brother Harold is up to. Martha replies, “Yachts. Big yachts...something with yachts.” :)

[the-trashy-phoenix]

Supernatural season 8 review (part 2)

Link to part 1:

Season 8 is far way better than season 7, and overall one of the best seasons of Supernatural, because in my opinion it brings a lot of new and positive elements to the show, even if it has some flaws (like episode 08x04, I'm sorry but what was that?).

We left Dean and Castiel in purgatory, which from, one year after they got in, Dean escapes with a vampire called Benny (08x01), and reunites with Sam who has retired from hunting and started living a life with a woman, Amelia, who he has already broken up with. The relationship between the brothers is already strained because of Sam (who didn't look for him or for Kevin, who was captured by Crowley), and will eventually have its ups and downs throughout the season. Although I would understand why Sam wanted to live a normal life at this point (especially since everyone he knew died or disappeared), I don't think he should have left Dean in purgatory without looking for him (or for Kevin). They eventually find him and discover that there's also a demon's tablet that could send the demons to hell and close its gates forever, so that becomes their primary mission in season 8. Kevin then has to hide throughout the season to translate the tablet and to avoid being caught again by Crowley, the main enemy of the season. We discover many new aspects of his personality and life (such as his relationship with his mom, who appears in episode 08x02 and is a total badass), but also an evolution, from the terrified student to a prophet who no longer fears even Crowley. The first time I watched Supernatural Kevin was one of my favorite characters, perhaps also due to the fact that he was younger than everyone else and that he was vaguely almost my age, and even today I am fond of him, mainly because I love his character and because I am sorry that he had to live this life against his will.

The first episodes of the season contain a series of flashbacks showing the time the brothers were separated, Sam living a new life with Amelia and Dean in purgatory with Benny and Castiel. While I loved Dean's flashbacks, I admit that those who showed Sam's life with Amelia didn't excite me that much. I never really liked the relationship between the two, perhaps because I never liked Amelia as a character herself (she didn't pass on much to me), plus it allowed Sam to ignore all the problems that I think he should have dealt with in this case. The only thing I liked was being able to see Sam living a normal life, without the need to worry about saving more lives. I also think Sam's behavior throughout his time with Amelia was correct, especially when his husband came back, while I think Amelia should have been more determined and not have left Sam without knowing precisely what she wanted.

The period in purgatory, on the other hand, fascinates me particularly: the fact that it's focused on Dean, my favorite character, or that the dynamics between Dean, Benny and Castiel were much more intriguing made me probably wish there were more flashbacks like that. I forgot how much I appreciated Benny's character: it initially seems that he doesn't care about Dean and that he just wants it to get back to earth, but in latest episodes, especially in the period on earth, we notice how much he cares about him, so that he sacrifices himself to save Sam. We also learn more about him and how, even though he's a vampire, he doesn't want to hurt any human (and the thing I appreciated the most is the fact that he didn't let himself be corrupted by returning to life on earth, proving to be really good). Especially because of Sam and Dean's conflicts over having a vampire as a friend (which actually goes against Dean's usual ideals) Benny and Dean have no way of seeing each other that much on earth and Benny realizes that there's nothing left to stick him to that place (and that's why he decides to stay in purgatory once he saves Sam). Although I don't consider their relationship as strictly romantic as many do (though the basics were there), I've always enjoyed Benny’s relationship with Dean and I was sorry not to see it grow and develop (maybe even in something more, also because the parallels with the relationship between Sam and Amelia are quite present and the breaking up phase was very evident even for Dean, besides Sam, as Charlie makes us notice in episode 08x11, one of the two episodes in which she appears, along with the episode 08x20, and in which the relationship with the brothers, and especially with Dean, progresses to such an extent that she becomes a sister to both of them).

Another evolution of relationships is found between Dean and Castiel. The two end up in purgatory together, but Castiel escapes Dean immediately and he spends a lot of time that year (also with Benny) looking for the angel. Once found, we discover that he had avoided Dean to keep him away from the Leviathans and that Dean had prayed to Castiel every night to try to find him. There are several elements that make the dynamics between the two even more special: the fact that Dean desperately looked for him because he didn't want to leave without him, the joy of finding him again, the terror of finding out that Castiel had avoided and ignored him, and the relief of understanding that he had done so only to protect him add layers of depth to the relationship. When Dean can't save Cas, the guilt haunts him until Castiel shows up in front of him. We find out that Castiel wanted to stay in purgatory as punishment for doing all that damage in the past and that Dean thought he hadn't done enough to help him get out. At this point in the series I think there are at least some scenes that involve a possible outlet in a relationship that goes beyond just friendship. The most obvious moment is certainly in episode 08x17, a scene at the height of a series of events that strictly concern Castiel and his relationship with heaven. He returns from purgatory thanks to the angel Naomi, who puts him under her control, without him knowing it, to spy on the Winchesters especially to find the angel tablet, who could send the angels to heaven forever. Dean, suspicious from the first moment Castiel returns without knowing how, realizes that the angel is not okay and when the two find the tablet he tries in every way to prevent Castiel from taking it. The most shocking element is the fact that Naomi trained him in heaven to kill copies of Dean in such a way that, if necessary, he would also do so in reality. In fact, it looks like Castiel, who is totally controlled by Naomi, has no mercy on Dean and is willing to kill him, but, after an open-hearted speech and the famous "I need you" Dean utters, Castiel frees himself from Naomi's control, spares Dean and cures him. Now, it's indisputable that at "What broke the connection?" we would all answer "Castiel's love for you, Dean", but probably the most appropriate question would be "What kind of love?". From the point of view of a person who loves Destiel, I think Castiel still doesn't really realize the emotions he feels, but that certainly the form of love he feels for Dean comes close to being romantic, more than anyone else. The most obvious thing that makes me notice it is the fact that Naomi chose Dean for Castiel's training, and I think she did because if Castiel was able to kill Dean he would easily kill anyone else. I remember when I was fifteen years old, watching this scene for the first time and not shipping Destiel that much, this moment got me thinking. Castiel, however, once back in himself still takes the tablet and hides it from Dean, not trusting what he could do. Dean, when the two meet again, shows all his disappointment at knowing that Cas doesn't trust him, once again showing how much he cares about the angel. Luckily, the two manage to make peace and collaborate until the last episode, 08x23.

Also in episode 08x17 we meet Meg and, thanks to a conversation with Sam, in which he talks about the love he feels for Amelia, we understand that she feels something for Castiel. Probably if Destiel didn't exist I wouldn't mind seeing more of their relationship, but unfortunately Meg is killed a few minutes after that confession.

Castiel's main purpose during the course of season 8 is to redeem himself from the damage caused previously, and especially to help heaven return as it once was. That's why he lets himself be controlled by Naomi more easily and tricked by Metatron, who appears towards the end of the season and plans to bring all the angels out of heaven, making Castiel believe that they are closing the gates of heaven once and for all. Metatron makes him complete three trials, the last of which is to become a man. Castiel then, at the end of the last episode, finds himself both human and aware that he has caused all angels to fall from heaven, shown as a meteor shower in one of Supernatural's most magical scenes.

In the same episode Dean and especially Sam are busy closing the gates of hell forever. With Kevin's help, they discover that to do so they have to complete three tests, tests that also put a strain on their already rather complicated relationship. Given the danger and possible effects of the trials, Dean is the one who wants to deal with them without further discussion, trying to protect Sam at all costs, but his brother disagrees. And right now we see how Dean is now lacking that hope of lifting up and being happy that he once had. He is convinced that for him there is nothing but hunting for evil and knows that one day he will die doing just that. Hearing these words, especially after seeing the last episode of season 15, completely broke my heart. Because here it is understood that Dean, at least, does not think he is valuable enough to live a happy life outside of hunting, unlike Sam. Several times over the seasons Dean proves to be always the most pessimistic, who doesn't believe that he can win and above all that he is able to move on, and this side of it gets worse and worse, to the point of suicidal thoughts. For a character like Dean, who should have grown and realized that he was valuable enough to be happy, dying without a hint of struggle and survival instinct just when he could have been happy is really a terrible end (but I would say I can vent better about it in last season's review). As much as Dean wanted to be the one who would complete the trials, Sam accidentally passes the first one: to kill a hellhound and bathe in its blood (08x14). Sam, unlike Dean, wants to pass the tests because he wants to live on, optimistic, and so he will try to do it in every way. Dean isn't convinced Sam is the one who has to pass the trials and Sam thinks Dean wants to be the only one doing it because he doesn't trust anyone else, not even his brother. I think the problem isn't that Dean doesn't trust anyone else, but rather that Dean is only willing to hurt (and possibly kill) himself to close the gates of hell, and definitely not the person he cares about the most.

Unlike the first test, I was not completely satisfied with how the second was dealt with (08x19), freeing an innocent soul from hell (who turns out to be Bobby), because I think it was too easy to go to hell and above all find Bobby.

The last trial, on the other hand, is the most complex, the one that has been dealt with in the most interesting way and overall the best one: curing a demon and turning them into a human (08x23). The two brothers document themselves and spend quite some time searching for the magic formula (which is meant to be human blood), but the best thing is the demon on which they test this formula, Crowley, who is the enemy of the season and who proves to be Supernatural's best villain, both for his personality, for his own evolution and especially for his relationship with the Winchesters. A decisive aspect of this evolution is in fact precisely this transformation thanks to Sam's blood, which makes him incredibly more sensitive and empathetic (and in fact, although Sam does not complete the third trial and completely transform it, in the following season Crowley shows aspects of himself never seen before). In fact, Dean, once he learns that Sam, completing the trial, would die, convinces Sam to stop the trials and let go of the plan to close the gates of hell. This scene from the last episode is one of my Supernatural favorites, because it shows how much the two brothers care about each other, although they both made many mistakes, and how hurt Sam is that Dean does not trust him enough and prefers to collaborate with Benny or Castiel. Dean assures him that he is the person he would put in front of everyone else and helps him stop the pain he feels for trying to pass the third trial. While I love Castiel's relationship with Dean, I'm convinced Dean’s priorities are focused on Sam, because Dean not only played the role of older brother, but also father and mother, having been the only one to raise Sam, and the idea of seeing Sam die would completely destroy him (as we have already seen in the second season).

The two brothers, who have always lived alone in motels and cars, for the first time since the beginning of Supernatural find a "home". In episode 08x12, they meet their grandfather Henry, John's father, who has gone into the future to escape a Knight of Hell, Abaddon (who joins him and stays there), and they find out that he's part of an association called Men of Letters, the collectors of information on the supernatural who collaborate with a few hunters to handle the monsters, located in a bunker in Kansas. They then discover that they are also their legacy and decide to use that bunker, full of information that they were not aware of, as a base and home for research against the monsters they have to hunt.

The fact that the Winchesters finally have a place to live and create memories, the focus on the trials and the relationship between the two brothers, purgatory, Dean's relationship with Benny and Castiel and the fall of the angels are some of the elements that make season eight one of my favorites.

[hpdabbles]

Prompt: Gordon Ramsay is the new Sub for potions

Harry, reluctantly dragged his feet to the dungeons for potions class, attempting to make the trip longer by taking smaller steps in an effort to not arrive so soon. At his side, Ron and Hermione were doing the same though the bushy-haired girl would never admit it.

Yes, last year they had been wrong in assuming Snape was trying to kill Harry but it didn’t change that he was still the meanest teacher in the school with a nasty streak against Gryffindors and an even nastier streak against Harry. The-Boy-Who might have enjoyed the subject if the teacher wasn’t out to get him and make him feel like dirt at every turn. 

Harry didn’t even know why the older man hated him so. At least back home, he knew the teachers treated him poorly due to the lies his aunt and uncle spread. 

It didn’t help that today was double potions, which meant it would be a two-hour-long class and like most things pleasant, Snape didn’t believe in breaks like the other teachers. 

Harry sighed, today was going to be a very long day. Just as they were nearing the classroom, the three could hear shouting. Confuse Harry shared a look with his friends before they got cautiously got closer. Around other students have also stopped looking around in confusion, before, like someone gave some kind of signal everyone moved in the direction of the commotion.

Maybe a fight-er a duel had broken out? Harry hasn’t seen one yet but he thinks it’s something that would happen at one point. Teenagers weren’t well known for being calm after all, and this may be a magic school but it was still a school. 

The shouting grows louder.  “-you fucking idiot! What they didn’t teach you basic fucking manners in We Never Bath!?”

“You do not talk to me like that!” 

The students gaped at a blond man in pure white robes, they have never seen before, getting into the dreaded Caretaker of Hogwarts’, Argus Filch’s face.  “I speak to you any fucking way I want! I don’t own a fucking moron any sort of respect. In case you weren’t aware, you can not go around hassling children, the fuck do you think this is!?”

“It’s my job as caretaker to keep control of-

“You’re a great fucking talker” The man cut him off, mimicking a person speaking with his right hand. “But you’re a shit caretaker. Do me a favor and go fuck off somewhere!”

Filch’s face cloud with outrage. “I’ve been a member of this staff for nearly two decades you-”

“And if I find out you laid a single hand on these kids for those fucking punishments, I’ll personally make sure you spend just as much time in fucking Azkaban!” The man shouted until he was red in the face, forcing Filch to cower away. The blond opens his mouth one more time but his eyes caught sight of the children at the top of the hall and he visible had to get his emotions under control. “Now get the hell out of here. I have a class to teach.” 

For a still second, it seemed Filch was going to stay to argue more but one look at the deadly serious expression of the blond, he scurried away instead. Walking briskly by the second years, that part for him as quickly as they can. 

Harry is pretty sure he wasn’t the only one who wanted to get caught in Filch’s path when the man was in a mood. The blond stranger grumbles under his breath before he sighs.  “Alright, so much for the first impression. Sorry about that, I have a terrible allergic reaction to idiots.”

A few startled chuckles can be heard and Harry couldn't help a small smile to crack on his face. The blond stranger smiles at them, oddly kind before he opens the potion door. “Alright, why don’t you all take your sits and we can do introductions properly?”

At first, no one moves, but it’s surprisingly Draco Malfoy that takes the first step in the classroom, flouncing by the man with a haughty expression. The blond man’s lips twitch as if though he is fighting a smile but also a grimace. 

The rest of the class follow afterward. Harry makes a beeline for his usual place, Ron whispering at his side. “What in Merlin’s beard just happen? Who is this?”

“I don’t know” Harry whispers back, trying to set up his cauldron “But I think I rather like him”

“Where is Professor Snape?” Hermione asks looking around with a small frown. “I’m not too sure we should be preparing our lesson without him. What if someone get’s hurt?”

Harry didn’t have the heart to tell her someone was going to get hurt rather Snape be here or not, so them pulling out their ingredients alone wouldn’t matter one way or the other. Even if the main ingredients were said to explode if shaken too much, Harry just made sure to not sit too close to Neville. 

A loud clap has everyone turning to the front of the room.  “Hello everyone. My name is Gordon Ramsay, and I shall be your substitute for the remainder of the month seeing as  Professor Snape had to take the next three weeks off for personal matters.  I am a restaurant owner for a  little place just outside of London, and a license potion master, with a specialty in healing potions. It’s a pleasure.”

Professor Ramsay had everyone introduce themselves, seeming to not mind any house in particular. Harry reserved his judgment, however, because every professor had a bias for a house or another. He wouldn’t belive this potion master didn’t favor one house even with his calm and fair treatment so far. 

After introductions, the professor launches about the importance of the potion ingredients, how the measurements should be just so, and why they react the way they do. Harry for the first time in his school career can keep pass with the lecture. He writes down some notes, utterly captivated by the lesson and the simple but elegant way the professor prepared the potion insisting they watch him first before attempting themselves.

“See the way it boils at the sides?” Professor Ramsay said, having flouted a mirror above his stations so they could all see what he was seeing.  “That lets you know the eyes of newts are stuck in the center. Always stir when they do that and remember always stir in the same direction. There we are, now it’s the color we want.” 

Looking around he notices he’s not the only one who thinks this is fascinating. Professor Ramsay just seems to have a compelling charisma, enough so that he owns the room the moment he began cutting up the potion ingredients. “Now it will boil for thirty minutes and it should be ready. Why don’t you all start on your own potions while we wait? Please be careful with the exploding leaves, do not shake them up.”

Harry threw himself into his work, smiling at Ron who also seemed pleased he understood. Oddly enough, after watching the professor Harry almost felt like he could make potions himself. It was a new feeling since he has never been felt he should even try already convinced he would fail long his caldron even touch the flames. 

It gave him a feeling of excitement deep in his chest as he cut his ingredients carefully, looking down at his notes every once in a while. Harry wrote down the clear instructions, pleased for once that they actually make sense. It really did show that the substitute was a chief, his instructions looked like a cooking recipe instead of a chemical reactions Professor’s Snape tended to be. 

Soon the room filled with soft voices and the general noise of a potion in processes. 

This was a potion not done in partners, but Professor Ramsay didn’t seem to mind them talking and asking a neighbor for help. Waking station to station to answer any question or generally check in on the student.

Harry was having a great time, grinding up at the blond man who’s voice remind soft and encouraging when he came over to correct Ron’s string and Harry’s amount of eye of Newt.

Even the Slytherins seem to be enjoying themselves which was a first, usually, by now they try to start a fight with someone. Just as things were going well, a loud explosion grabs everyone's attention.

Sitting by himself- as no one wanted to be within the blast zone- Neville whimper as his cauldron smoked. His station was covered with the green goo residual, cloaking all of his remaining ingredients as well as a bit of his uniform. The Slytherins snickered mockingly, and even a few Gryffindors couldn’t hide their eye rolls.

Harry felt sort of bad for the nervous Gryffindor, watching him hunch over as his eyes teared up. Professor Ramsay was over at his station in seconds. “What happened?” 

“I-I don’t know” Neville nervous admitted, choking back a sob. Harry wince fully expecting the explosive temper that he spotted in the hall. That kind of anger wouldn’t be out of place in Uncle Vernon and just like his uncle the teenager was convince the professor was about to give burning tongue lashing. 

“Don’t worry. Don’t worry” Professor Ramsay says instead, voice still soft. Harry does a double-take alongside half the class. “I’m here to help you. Don’t be upset. It’s okay. Let’s get this cleaned up and we can try again yeah?”

He rounds the work table bringing Neville into a hug, rubbing at his shoulder. The twelve-year-old is frozen for about three seconds before he melts into the blonds hold, wiping at his tears.  Professor Ramsay waves a hand, vanishing the mess. 

“Alright let’s this again. I’ll help you set the ingredients up yeah? You can do this” He tells Neville then looks at the class with a raised brow. Instantly they all turn their heads away from the scene,  going back to their potion. Harry can’t help but glance at Neville’s station. The Gryffindor is still working nervously under the Professor watchful eye but he’s smiling.

Harry doesn’t think he’s ever seen Neville smile in this classroom. By the end of the two hours, everyone turns in a potion, including Neville who all but glows as Professor Ramsay offers him a high five. 

“That was utterly brilliant!” Ron gushes. “I never thought Potions could be fun!”

“And his lesson was so clear and informative!” Hermione adds, all but skipping down the hall. “He answered all of my questions too. Without making fun of me or anything! I can’t wait for potions tomorrow.” 

“Me too” Harry comments, smiling as the professor’s sincere well done, Mr. Potter, a fine potion, flouts through his mind. He’s never had a teacher praise his work before. It felt oddly nice.

It may be mean of him but Harry hopes Professor Snape doesn’t come back by the end of the three weeks. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

comet, moon, pluto, aquila, protostar

Thank You vm

Comet- What are you currently frustrated about?

lmaooo oh you know at any given time i’m weaving this rich tapestry of continual frustrations lol.....i’d say i’m in an Upswing Period of [simmering frustration levels closer to the surface] lately too lol like earlier in the week i pushed through a day or two there more casually but then it was like ah jeez here comes the malaise. more specifically today, even just before sitting down to answer this, i emerged from the bathroom to find there was a “dog has pooped inside despite having been outside within the last 10 min” shituation, which was wonderful.....annoyed from Waking by “smh at not being able to adjust my nocturnality, still frustrated about the near success of last friday being thwarted by the dead of night hammering debacle,” & regular Antagonizing Audio issues, aka being stressed by both the [loud, alarming] type sound & the [gross textural misophonia hell] type.....earlier i was like “where is the dish sponge” (still don’t know) & went to get a new, packaged one which had been in a drawer, but that one was gone too, good that there’s no pressing need to wash dishes rn i guess.....still struggling with the “well i guess i’m trying to put myself out there Socially” attempt to find relevant public discords, being generally overwhelmed as actually talking to randos in a group is A Lot & in theory it’s like well you meet someone Specific you’d enjoy talking to & branch off from there but unfortunately you can’t just skip to that step, also i do not genuinely Expect to get to that step either way, also i am not easily finding servers in the 1st place b/c it’s like, well i talk about Interests but what am i interested in? who knows. don’t do art “seriously” enough to rly wanna discuss it much, thought abt Language Learning but one i found wants you to have a verified account lmao like, no thanks. in theory i enjoy Socializing some but in practice it is sure a trial & i have not said anything to anyone anywhere yet, just a “well, not sure what else i could do here situation,” in theory take up an In Person hobby / group to make it all easier but that’s not happening. which, i was also Frustrated remembering oh right i spent a year as measured by my personal age in 1 location, both Pandemic & other [society] problems, & speaking of Interests & Hobbies not having them, i was also >:| over something having kicked in my Math Sensibilities (aka that i like math) & wondering like, would i have enjoyed getting more into math / some particular application, who knows, same but also even more so re: other things i get the sense i’m quite Into, like learning languages & ~performing arts~, which, i at least took math / math related classes into college level courses, which is not true for those other things (took a Language Class: never, took a theatre / drama class: for 1/4 of the schoolyear in 7th grade, & prior to that, just did a scene or two of a play in english class 4th grade, & the approx decade extracurricular of ballet, which is related but of course a different thing. anyhow, annoyed that i Simply Do Not Know & hardly see opportunities to find out on the horizon, although who knows.....which is related to being frustrated about [Society] some more like, thinking about “boy how different would it be if people were guaranteed the right to Essentials For Life like housing, food, medical care, both electricity & the internet Now A Days...” like, agonizing What If there, it is all so unnecessary that It Is Like This......just now someone made an unnecessary Post lmfao thank you xkit.......oh right, i was Frustrated, with an emphasis In Aro / Ace, about Media & Life, what else is new & then, you know, musings on The Theoretical Future & One’s Personal Past that would become even more of a like, audioscape: therapy session topic, these are frustrating things. and all of this answer has been stuff i remember getting Frustrated about in the past 24 hours. Also!!! that last night i was like, i want to play scrabble, so i looked up an online game but the Computer settings are a nightmare like, as far as i could tell the Difficulty settings were mostly attuned to Average Word Length but it was like, yeah you’re playing against this opponent given this effective total familiarity with the most obscure / archaic shit in the scrabble dictionary, not even simply the like, q words / two letter words ppl might happen to know specifically for the purposes of scrabble. there was also no “new game” button?? just had to refresh the page? smh. oh lmfao! also! you Know i was frustrated thinking about Billions, the series / interest that antagonizes you, jokes on you when you hone in on the Quant where it’s like, is he just meant to be the guy who sucks, plus he’s got depression....suppose they do at least handle him w/some sympathy / nonzero Care for this Char acter, but smh at sighing about [bracing yourself for anything promising (cough riawin) to spiral into disaster one way or another, whether it turns into a joke or plot device or just something introduced / built up / demolished for ambient drama/conflict].....what else is new. the periodic cycles of Billions Thoughts lol. was just frustrated at a video’s Editing Cadence basically lmfao. i also find it grating when the word “the jab” is used in tweets re: vaccination, which i just saw, presumably in the same sort of way where i automatically dislike the phrase To Be Fair or referring to food/eating with “fill / filling” or any variants lmfao, or earnest use of the description “hearty”......some words i hate the sound of no matter what, some i hate to hear used in a particular phrase / context......need to simply stop doing things in the middle of answering this b/c it will inevitably involve Frustrations lmfaooo. oh also i was annoyed to wake up to a clear sky. where’s that overcast atmosphere

Moon- Are you currently reading any books? If so, what book(s)?

i am not, but i’ve been considering it! just inconvenient b/c a) i gotta like, choose what book/s to read, & b) i have to read via laptop, which is kind of a pain, & c) like with everything, i always tend to basically read stuff all at once, but i’m also a slow reader lmao, so it’s like, okay, i’m probably basically devoting days on end to Reading Through whatever.....

Pluto- If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would you meet?

another classic Fascinating Answer of “i dunno” lol, i’ve never really had a go to answer for this or anything that’s particularly leapt out.....plus re: how i tend to feel nervous with on the spot socializing, the concept of like “if you could have dinner with someone” is too much lmfao like, a waste of time, i’d simply Be Nervous my way completely through it. the only way i could think of things is like, here i go giving someone an interview, i guess, and whomst tf would i feel Prepared to talk to lmfao. relevant to interests it’s like well of course you could ask w. roland things the in depth secret jared questions, or Any questions about quant n billions, but then it’s also like, well, there’s the questions I already have an answer for lol & either you have the same answer or i have a mini monologue, not like i don’t speak in mini monologues all the time if i have something to say at all, and my Questions go like that too lmfao, a disaster already trying to ask people about pertinent Information......never able to think of things re: people who have died, i suppose there’s fun answers re: like, getting lost / unknown Historical Info......when it comes to meeting people i don’t really consider it much in advance b/c i am nervous about everything & aware that any interacting is a Challenge lmfao. whenever these things actually happen, it’s hardly always a disaster, but i’m just improvising in the end. also, i could meet people i actually know but have never met, i.e. you, who i talk to but we are Virtual & Pandemic’d & etc & so on. but i suppose that’s kind of a given lol

Aquila- Do you prefer to read books or watch movies?

i think movies are less Involved for me, like, even if it takes me 3x their runtime (or longer) to watch any videos thanks to getting distracted & stuff, still quicker than i read a book, & unless i’m watching something for the first time and/or really wanting to properly pay attention, i can do other things while putting a movie on, whereas if i’m reading that’s the One Thing i can be doing. but overall i’m like “media, what media” whichever format lol like. haven’t consumed things, don’t often think of specific works i want/plan to consume, don’t often get around to it, etc. classique.....

Protostar- Give a random fact about yourself.

speaking of classic, me struggling to recall 101 info about myself or answer not that out there Questions, but when it’s like “alright hater what are you disgruntled about now” it’s like, Deep Inhale lmfao, but [are you okay? Is Anyone].jpeg on that one as well, we are out here......uh i’m sure i’ve said it before but i’m around 5′11″? maybe 6 ft tall but that might be overdoing it. sort of Average Tall but i am always literally looking down on people lmao.....and bumping my head into a low hanging light fixture around here.....

[nights-lament]

RWBY Volume 8, Chapter 1 Thoughts and Opinions

HELLO, INTERWEBS!!! At long last, we are back with more RWBY, and with it, more RWBY Thoughts and Opinions! After the absolute roller coaster that was Volume 7's cliffhanger finale, I can not imagine the insanity that awaits us this Volume. So, without further ado, here are my various thoughts and opinions on Chapter 1 of RWBY Volume 8, "Divide"

SPOILERS BELOW:

Hmm, starting off with a mysterious woman scrubbing floors, and...wait, is that...no...

I really like the way they juxtapose Cinder scrubbing with her scratching the chair. Very symbolic.

Yick, something about organic architecture just gives me the willies. I mean, is the whale aware that they double as a building complex? Can they feel the diabolical ongoings of it's rib cage? Creepy stuff.

Oof, outright taking credit for grabbing the relic, Cinder? Yeah, no way that's going to bite you in the ass.

Oh my. Mercury, Emerald, AND Hazel have new looks this season. I'm sure I'll warm up to them eventually, but right now Emerald's and Hazel's aren't really doing this. For Hazel, the outfit is all right, but the hair is a bit boring compared to his originals. Mercury's is ok, but is it just me, or is he basically wearing Yang's V4-6 outfit? I mean, it works, but still.

"Without you, I am nothing." That...didn't sound like the first time she's said that. It almost sounds like something Salem's drilled into her head for years. Cinder may be irredeemable in my opinion, but I do love a good tragic backstory.

You know, I guess would make sense for the crater to be the slums area. Can't imagine living directly under a floating landmass would be considered prime real estate.

Ooh, this old man has badger paws. I don't think we've seen that kind of Faunus trait yet.

D'aaww, Nora gave Oscar a soft hug rather than her usual glomp. So cute ^-^

I'm interested in how Oscar not telling them about Oz is going to play out.

Ok, their is a lot going on in this bar-base worth talking about, but for some reason I am fascinated by the picture of (i'm assuming) the founders in the background. What interesting designs they have. I feel like they have a story, and I would like to hear it.

Penny's dejected demeanor is giving me all of the feels Q_Q

Not sure how I feel about the rift forming between RWBYJNRO, though I guess we'll have to see where it goes. At least we have people like Jaune playing mediator.

I will say, though, I look forward to seeing Ren and Nora apart. As much as I love them as a couple, I'd very much like to see them operate as individuals.

God, Ironwood trying to manipulate Penny like that.

And there it is. Ironwood has truly revealed his true feelings, and his motivation for his attempt to launch Atlas. He isn't making a tactical retreat in order to form a new plan altogether. He's abandoning the fight altogether, leaving Remnant to die so that he and Atlas can live. It's funny, he wanted to avoid becoming Lionheart, but he was a coward too.

"Everything that follows will be on your hands". That motherf-

You know, we don't see a lot of corpses on this show, do we? Penny got better, Amber's screentime ended as she died, Roman got eaten, Pyrrha got an express viking funeral, etc, and a lot of others were only corpses for seconds before we never saw them again. They did a good job selling how proper dead Clover is here.

Ok, I don't know squat about Hospital layouts. Is it normal to have the morgue right outside of an emergency room? I mean, I guess it saves some travel time should things go wrong, but still, seems like a great anxiety generator for the patient, especially with both rooms having windows. "That's where I'll be going next."

I like the new metal arm. The fact that you can see all of the internal stuff makes it feel like it was quickly put together for the sake of urgency, while still looking cool.

Man, that rendition of "Hero" in the background. Chilling.

Is Winter getting a new look already? I must say. I like the look of the braces, and the ponytail is a vast improvement over the bun.

JESUS H CHRIST IRONWOOD!!! I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING OUT THERE TO ARREST THEM!!! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PRETTY BIG FASCIST MOVE, RIGHT!? HE JUST SHOT CHAD JAMES IN THE FACE!!!

What really interests me is everyone's reactions. Elm and Marrow are incredibly shocked, Harriet and Winter share their little look of doubt, and then there's Vine who just...doesn't react at all. Either that or it's all in his eyes, which we can't really see from here. Either way, not a huge reaction from him. Methinks the Ace-Ops and Winter might be starting to doubt the horse they bet on.

I find it interesting that Salem doesn't know how the Relic works, but then I suppose it makes sense, seeing as Oz probably placed them into the vaults almost immediately after finding them, so this is probably the first time she's even seen one in person..

Ok, OP time, and buckle up, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, because this one is going to be a doozy.

-First off, the song sounds pretty good, but it seems like it's going to go through the same cycle as the rest where it doesn't do too much for me at first, but has me headbanging like a metalhead by the end of the volume

- Mantle glitching out between peaceful and wartorn is a wonderful effect. Definitely fills you with a sense of dread.

-The individual shots of Team RWBY are absolutely gorgeous. Conceptually, it's the standard "where we started and where we're at", but the composition is worthy of a chef's kiss. I think I've found my new wallpaper.

-The Ace-Ops appearing on Clover's pin is nice, but what I find interesting is Harriet and Qrow appearing back to back, especially with Harriet looking so angry. Is Harriet going to double down on her loyalty to Ironwood and go after Qrow?

- It seems Robyn is going to be Qrow's main source of support this season, though the bars seem to suggest they might be in custody for a while.

-Oscar seems to be in Salem's stronghold, which doesn't bode well for our farmboy, also, WHY DOES SALEM HAVE DEMON WINGS!? Emerald's Volume 5 illusion wasn't this scary looking!

-I feel like their's symbolism showing Team RWBY's weapons paired together like that, but I feel like it's too early to say what of. Looks pretty, though

-Ren and Nora standing so far apart. It hurts my soul! Interesting how, while Ren looks away, Nora actually turns towards him.

-I didn't notice Winter's change of expression/outfit before passing by Weiss. She went from looking confident and slightly condescending to full with doubt.

-Not a lot to say about the quick shots of Whitley and Willow other then the fact that they both look worried. The image of the Schnee Snowflake shattering, however, is VERY interesting.

-I'm always a sucker for some good ol' chess symbolism. I find it interesting that while Salem's pieces dissolve into creatures of Grimm, Ironwood's simply dissolve, leaving him alone. Perhaps shooting a fellow councilman in the face right in front of his inner circle doesn't play out as well for him as well as he thought it would.

- Speaking of the classics, also gotta love me some reflection artwork. Watts seems to be working behind Pietro's back while Pietro (presumably) works to get Amity running, while secretly worrying about Penny, whose reflection cracks, possibly symbolizing her resolve. I worry for her.

- The snowflake turning into a flower petal in Ren's hand, while a similar petal passes Nora by. I don't know what this means, but I'm intrigued.

- It seems Ruby and Yang won't be completely be at odds, judging by the look they give each other before going into the action shot.

- Hmm, while Cinder pulls a Za Warudo on the fight scene, you can see a dejected Emerald and a pissed off Neo, still moving, among the heroes. Interesting...

-Almost as interesting as Cinder grasping her Grimm arm before being engulfed in flames. Perhaps Salem pulled a Wormtail's Silver Hand with that arm.

-Is this the first time we've seen the Staff of Creation in it's entirety? I remember wanting to include it and the Lamp in my RWBY Vol 7 spritesheet, but couldn't find any images of it's bottom half. I like the little jewel on the bottom.

-Wow, CRWBY went full Kingdom Hearts with the heroes falling through the ice, and I absolutely LOVE IT! This op has some of the most gorgeous visuals the series has ever seen.

-HAPPY EVER AFTER HAPPY? NEVER AGAIN Daaaaaaamn, that's awesome. It kind of reminds me of a line from Red Like Roses Part II, "This bedtime story ends with Misery Ever After". It's incredibly haunting.

-Almost as haunting as the sketchy art style that flashes in between the words, particularly the part that shows Penny's eyes going red before the rest of her does. Did we predict Watts hacking Penny a volume too early?

-The final shot of Crescent Rose alone stuck in the snow. Damn. The theme of this op seems to be "foreboding as all hell"

Damn. Damn! DAMN! This was, without question, the best OP RWBY has ever had. By, like, a lot. The visuals were some of the best the show has ever had to offer, the foreboding is through the roof, and the symbolism is incredibly clever. I don't envy them when it comes time to make Volume 9's, because this will be a very tough act to beat. I am so happy to have RWBY back, and I am both excited and terrified to see what this show is going to do next.

[shadows-twilight]

RWBY Volume 8, Chapter 1 Thoughts and Opinions

HELLO, INTERWEBS!!! At long last, we are back with more RWBY, and with it, more RWBY Thoughts and Opinions! After the absolute roller coaster that was Volume 7's cliffhanger finale, I can not imagine the insanity that awaits us this Volume. So, without further ado, here are my various thoughts and opinions on Chapter 1 of RWBY Volume 8, "Divide"

SPOILERS BELOW:

Hmm, starting off with a mysterious woman scrubbing floors, and...wait, is that...no...

I really like the way they juxtapose Cinder scrubbing with her scratching the chair. Very symbolic.

Yick, something about organic architecture just gives me the willies. I mean, is the whale aware that they double as a building complex? Can they feel the diabolical ongoings of it's rib cage? Creepy stuff.

Oof, outright taking credit for grabbing the relic, Cinder? Yeah, no way that's going to bite you in the ass.

Oh my. Mercury, Emerald, AND Hazel have new looks this season. I'm sure I'll warm up to them eventually, but right now Emerald's and Hazel's aren't really doing this. For Hazel, the outfit is all right, but the hair is a bit boring compared to his originals. Mercury's is ok, but is it just me, or is he basically wearing Yang's V4-6 outfit? I mean, it works, but still.

"Without you, I am nothing." That...didn't sound like the first time she's said that. It almost sounds like something Salem's drilled into her head for years. Cinder may be irredeemable in my opinion, but I do love a good tragic backstory.

You know, I guess would make sense for the crater to be the slums area. Can't imagine living directly under a floating landmass would be considered prime real estate.

Ooh, this old man has badger paws. I don't think we've seen that kind of Faunus trait yet.

D'aaww, Nora gave Oscar a soft hug rather than her usual glomp. So cute ^-^

I'm interested in how Oscar not telling them about Oz is going to play out.

Ok, their is a lot going on in this bar-base worth talking about, but for some reason I am fascinated by the picture of (i'm assuming) the founders in the background. What interesting designs they have. I feel like they have a story, and I would like to hear it.

Penny's dejected demeanor is giving me all of the feels Q_Q

Not sure how I feel about the rift forming between RWBYJNRO, though I guess we'll have to see where it goes. At least we have people like Jaune playing mediator.

I will say, though, I look forward to seeing Ren and Nora apart. As much as I love them as a couple, I'd very much like to see them operate as individuals.

God, Ironwood trying to manipulate Penny like that.

And there it is. Ironwood has truly revealed his true feelings, and his motivation for his attempt to launch Atlas. He isn't making a tactical retreat in order to form a new plan altogether. He's abandoning the fight altogether, leaving Remnant to die so that he and Atlas can live. It's funny, he wanted to avoid becoming Lionheart, but he was a coward too.

"Everything that follows will be on your hands". That motherf-

You know, we don't see a lot of corpses on this show, do we? Penny got better, Amber's screentime ended as she died, Roman got eaten, Pyrrha got an express viking funeral, etc, and a lot of others were only corpses for seconds before we never saw them again. They did a good job selling how proper dead Clover is here.

Ok, I don't know squat about Hospital layouts. Is it normal to have the morgue right outside of an emergency room? I mean, I guess it saves some travel time should things go wrong, but still, seems like a great anxiety generator for the patient, especially with both rooms having windows. "That's where I'll be going next."

I like the new metal arm. The fact that you can see all of the internal stuff makes it feel like it was quickly put together for the sake of urgency, while still looking cool.

Man, that rendition of "Hero" in the background. Chilling.

Is Winter getting a new look already? I must say. I like the look of the braces, and the ponytail is a vast improvement over the bun.

JESUS H CHRIST IRONWOOD!!! I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING OUT THERE TO ARREST THEM!!! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PRETTY BIG FASCIST MOVE, RIGHT!? HE JUST SHOT CHAD JAMES IN THE FACE!!!

What really interests me is everyone's reactions. Elm and Marrow are incredibly shocked, Harriet and Winter share their little look of doubt, and then there's Vine who just...doesn't react at all. Either that or it's all in his eyes, which we can't really see from here. Either way, not a huge reaction from him. Methinks the Ace-Ops and Winter might be starting to doubt the horse they bet on.

I find it interesting that Salem doesn't know how the Relic works, but then I suppose it makes sense, seeing as Oz probably placed them into the vaults almost immediately after finding them, so this is probably the first time she's even seen one in person..

Ok, OP time, and buckle up, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, because this one is going to be a doozy.

-First off, the song sounds pretty good, but it seems like it's going to go through the same cycle as the rest where it doesn't do too much for me at first, but has me headbanging like a metalhead by the end of the volume

- Mantle glitching out between peaceful and wartorn is a wonderful effect. Definitely fills you with a sense of dread.

-The individual shots of Team RWBY are absolutely gorgeous. Conceptually, it's the standard "where we started and where we're at", but the composition is worthy of a chef's kiss. I think I've found my new wallpaper.

-The Ace-Ops appearing on Clover's pin is nice, but what I find interesting is Harriet and Qrow appearing back to back, especially with Harriet looking so angry. Is Harriet going to double down on her loyalty to Ironwood and go after Qrow?

- It seems Robyn is going to be Qrow's main source of support this season, though the bars seem to suggest they might be in custody for a while.

-Oscar seems to be in Salem's stronghold, which doesn't bode well for our farmboy, also, WHY DOES SALEM HAVE DEMON WINGS!? Emerald's Volume 5 illusion wasn't this scary looking!

-I feel like their's symbolism showing Team RWBY's weapons paired together like that, but I feel like it's too early to say what of. Looks pretty, though

-Ren and Nora standing so far apart. It hurts my soul! Interesting how, while Ren looks away, Nora actually turns towards him.

-I didn't notice Winter's change of expression/outfit before passing by Weiss. She went from looking confident and slightly condescending to full with doubt.

-Not a lot to say about the quick shots of Whitley and Willow other then the fact that they both look worried. The image of the Schnee Snowflake shattering, however, is VERY interesting.

-I'm always a sucker for some good ol' chess symbolism. I find it interesting that while Salem's pieces dissolve into creatures of Grimm, Ironwood's simply dissolve, leaving him alone. Perhaps shooting a fellow councilman in the face right in front of his inner circle doesn't play out as well for him as well as he thought it would.

- Speaking of the classics, also gotta love me some reflection artwork. Watts seems to be working behind Pietro's back while Pietro (presumably) works to get Amity running, while secretly worrying about Penny, whose reflection cracks, possibly symbolizing her resolve. I worry for her.

- The snowflake turning into a flower petal in Ren's hand, while a similar petal passes Nora by. I don't know what this means, but I'm intrigued.

- It seems Ruby and Yang won't be completely be at odds, judging by the look they give each other before going into the action shot.

- Hmm, while Cinder pulls a Za Warudo on the fight scene, you can see a dejected Emerald and a pissed off Neo, still moving, among the heroes. Interesting...

-Almost as interesting as Cinder grasping her Grimm arm before being engulfed in flames. Perhaps Salem pulled a Wormtail's Silver Hand with that arm.

-Is this the first time we've seen the Staff of Creation in it's entirety? I remember wanting to include it and the Lamp in my RWBY Vol 7 spritesheet, but couldn't find any images of it's bottom half. I like the little jewel on the bottom.

-Wow, CRWBY went full Kingdom Hearts with the heroes falling through the ice, and I absolutely LOVE IT! This op has some of the most gorgeous visuals the series has ever seen.

-HAPPY EVER AFTER HAPPY? NEVER AGAIN Daaaaaaamn, that's awesome. It kind of reminds me of a line from Red Like Roses Part II, "This bedtime story ends with Misery Ever After". It's incredibly haunting.

-Almost as haunting as the sketchy art style that flashes in between the words, particularly the part that shows Penny's eyes going red before the rest of her does. Did we predict Watts hacking Penny a volume too early?

-The final shot of Crescent Rose alone stuck in the snow. Damn. The theme of this op seems to be "foreboding as all hell"

Damn. Damn! DAMN! This was, without question, the best OP RWBY has ever had. By, like, a lot. The visuals were some of the best the show has ever had to offer, the foreboding is through the roof, and the symbolism is incredibly clever. I don't envy them when it comes time to make Volume 9's, because this will be a very tough act to beat. I am so happy to have RWBY back, and I am both excited and terrified to see what this show is going to do next.