#basically-- this whole verse is an excuse for me to bother you all

[v-arbellanaris]

PLEASE share about the Cullen Cult Arc

sighs. this is my second time writing this post ;~; literally why does the autosave option exist if tumblr doesnt actually bother to autosave anything, i dont fucking get it.

this is going to be much briefer than the original post i wrote because im still REELING over how tumblr just ate the entire fucking post. its fucking gone. and idk if i have the energy or mental capacity rn to rewrite the whole thing. basically, this arc - which is the arc i developed for him in vee verse - is the arc i think cullen should've had in dai.

firstly, i'm not retconning anything he said or did in dao or da2. this is because those things serve a narrative purpose. cullen is a good templar - that's the entire crux of the problem. he exists in these two games as a narrative tool; he represents the views of the chantry. as such, anything you do with his character arc cannot be divorced from the reality of the mage/templar conflicts, and the glaring issues of the chantry and must, actually, address and involve those things, because cullen is a product of his surroundings. i'm not saying this to minimise or give him excuses for anything he's said or done, but that is made true for him by his very positioning in the narrative as being the chantry's voice. for most of my playthroughs, which lean pro-mage, cullen is an antagonistic force - he has to say and do horrific things, and it would be stupid for me to retcon the horrible things he did.

secondly, my main issue comes from his writing in dai - probably to no one's surprise. i am not unopposed to having a redemption arc for him in dai - this is villain-fucking the blog, sorry not sorry - but the problem is that he does not have one. to have a redemption arc, the following two things needs to happen:

the realisation/acknowledgement/knowledge/whatever that he caused harm to people with his actions/inactions

addressing the False Belief that he has embraced that has previously justified his harmful actions/inactions in order to accept the Truth (this is just basic character narrative construction).

and dai fails to do both of these because the writing team in inquisition is physically incapable of admitting the chantry is wrong and has done wrong and will continue to do wrong. they are physically incapable of looking at fucked up power dynamics and clear cases of oppression and not going "but what if the oppressed people. wanted to be oppressed. NEEDED to be oppressed, even."

which leaves his character arc - whether you want to consider it redemptive or not - confusing. he's trying to shake a lyrium addiction? sure, okay. but why is he addicted to lyrium? why is being addicted to regular ol' lyrium bad? it's not blue lyrium that killed meredith, it's not blue lyrium that corypheus and samson are using.

you get confusing things like cullen's entire character arc being centered around lyrium addiction... but no one seems to give a shit if the inquisitor takes lyrium and becomes a templar, except cullen. you get confusing things like cullen's entire character arc being centered around recovering from lyrium addiction and the templar route in dai and you get to the scene where all the templars get their lyrium draughts. the ceremony and chanting and celebration around getting the lyrium, when barris takes his draught, which is frankly revolting. but it highlights the inconsistency - lyrium, this scene tells us, is good. because the templars are good, and they use it for good. yet cullen's entire arc is about overcoming his lyrium addiction, but don't worry!!!! templars are still good and lyrium is still good. its fucking INCOHERENT!!!!!!

he is addicted to lyrium because that is how the chantry maintains absolute control over its templars. it is a mind-altering substance that causes paranoia, which the chantry specifically takes advantage of and feeds with their all mages are inherently dangerous rhetoric, which is a false rhetoric, as i've pointed out before. but instead of acknowledging any of that, dai's writing goes "lyrium is Bad because [mumble mumble] and its So Important that he doesn't take it so that [mumble mumble]".

because the story is physically incapable of uttering anything even vaguely critical of the chantry.

so, this covers my main issue with his writing in dai. i would ideally try to fix it - without retconning anything he did in dao or in da2. this is what the cullen cult recovery arc is referring to.

i'm not going to go into it in too much detail but the templar order - inclusive of the seekers - fits a lot of the parameters of a cult. specifically, the BITE model, but also this checklist, and a whole bunch of other parameters i found when researching into cults for this specific reason. (which. makes sense. seeing how the orlesian chantry is was also technically a religious cult that becomes the main religion of the lands by actively slaughtering all the other sects)

but what's particularly interesting about it specifically is that, in-world, no one else seems to think it's a cult. for all of cullen's views, he is not the extreme end in da2 - alrik is. meredith is. what's particularly disturbing to me about cullen's point of view is that because he's a product of his environment, because he's a narrative tool representing the chantry's views, cullen's opinions and actions are actually a normality test. people in thedas don't find cullen's views repulsive because most average joes in thedas agree with him. i think it's easy to forget cullen isn't the outlier in-universe - we are.

but, canonically speaking, this is what happens: cullen, like most good antagonists getting a redemption set up, misses his chance to Embrace Change at the end of da2. he sides with meredith too late for it to matter or make a difference - mages (who you learn on the templar route, he's not exactly eager to kill) who he's supposed to protect are already dead. but what happens in kirkwall shakes him to his core and he looks to leave the order entirely - a good step.

the problem is that he leaves the order to join the inquisition. the inquisition, which is headed by the left and right hands of the divine. the right hand of the divine is a seeker herself. the inquisition is spearheaded and justified by the divine, who he has been trained for most his adult life to be subservient to. the divine who formed the inquisition to replace the templar order and hired him to essentially train and recreate the order.

worse, still. no one thinks he did anything wrong. kinloch was not his fault, it was the fault of greagoir and the older templars who were simply not vigilant enough, meredith told him. how he acted to keep order in the circle and the city after the viscount was executed is admirable, cassandra tells him. he was only following orders, leliana admits grudgingly, he stood up for what was right when meredith went too far. no one thinks he did anything wrong, because he is a good templar. because all the atrocities he committed were not committed against people - they were committed against mages, who are not people, not like you and me.

cullen hops from one cult to the next. the inquisition is the exact same thing he's always done and known, just repackaged - quite literally, considering the inquisition's symbol. but canonically, he thinks it's something different. he wants it to be different.

it's not, though.

so, the thought process behind my thoughts for him boils down to this: how does he get the language to describe exactly why this is wrong? how does he get the language to describe why it matters, why it's important, that he hurt real people? how does he get past the Lie that he believes - that he has to be a good templar, to stop anything like kinloch from happening again, since kinloch happened because they weren't vigilant enough, because they were too sympathetic to mages?

his arc shouldn't have just been about overcoming lyrium addiction. his arc should have been a story about recovering from being part of a hate group, a story about recovering from part of a cult.

there's several ways to go about it, i think. and if you want to specifically know how i'm going to do it, you guys should encourage me to write vee verse 😌

[aftaylorglow]

get your shit together

these past few weeks, i've been seeing tweets about how joe loved taylor when she was at her lowest, but he couldn't love her when she's at her highest. then a few days ago, i was listening to renegade and thought about that.

i tapped on your window on your darkest night the shape of you was jagged and weak

i think one of the things that folklore and evermore taught us is that taylor can write from any perspective. but it's easy to assume that because she's singing, she's talking from her perspective.

the song has been out for two years so i'm sure i'm not the first one to come to this conclusion, but renegade makes so much sense if you see it as taylor talking about herself from the perspective of a partner.

i'm saying it's joe purely because of when this was written/released and the whole he loved her at her lowest thing. we also know that in call it what you want, she also used "darkest night" as a lyric.

there was nowhere for me to stay but i stayed anyway

one of the biggest mysteries of my swiftie life is the summer of 2016. breaking up with calvin, meeting tom and joe at the same time, dating tom, breaking up with tom, getting together with joe, possibly cheating on one of these men with one of these men...the timeline is unclear to me and i fear we won't ever really know, especially with joe now out of her life.

anyway, i interpreted the above line as her meeting him at a point in her life where she didn't have space for him. maybe when she was still with someone, maybe when she's freshly out of a relationship and didn't want to be in another one yet. but he stayed anyway.

and if i would have known how many pieces you had crumbled into i might have let them lay

taylor tends to be hard on herself. oftentimes, she knows she's that bitch but she has moments where she's so insecure, especially about how her celebrity affects her relationships. i mean we've gotten a ton of anxiety-induced songs these past six years. you're losing me is the latest example with the line, "i wouldn't marry me either, a pathological people pleaser."

sometimes i think she thinks she's not worth everything her partner has to go through just to be with her. i see the verse above as the perfect thesis statement for this observation. it's like, "if i'd only known just how deeply you're messed up, i wouldn't have bothered."

and this hurts because we don't know if her partner actually thought of these things. it's what she thinks her partner must feel toward her, which says so much more about how she views herself.

are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these? and let all your damage damage me? and carry your baggage up my street?

this supports my previous statement about how this is how taylor views herself. she's damaged. she has a ton of baggage. and these are what she's bringing to the relationship. is it worth it? she probably thinks not. it's why she probably said the timing isn't right for them right now. and why he's asking, in incredulity, if now's the time to talk about timing. after all, he's already stayed. he's proven he can tough it out.

you wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody

this reads as something very dismissive of the other person's feelings. but remember, in this interpretation, it's taylor talking to herself in the perspective of her partner. so she's basically telling herself to stop being so self-centered. hold up her end of the relationship and try.

is it insensitive for me to say "get your shit together so i can love you" is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything or do you just not want to?

i feel like this verse shows her fear of being found out. she has made up all these excuses about why she couldn't give everything to this relationship and she's scared that the time will come when her partner will call her out and discover that maybe, after all they've been through, she's just not willing to try.

which is a very interesting thing to think about! from previous albums, we've gotten songs and explanations from taylor about how early in their relationship, she was the one who wanted to give up. to save him from herself. but he didn't want to leave. he wanted them to work. when taylor was explaining peace, it was clear that eventually she wanted to make the relationship work by making herself and her life seem as normal as possible and not be this elephant in the room. and then, in you're losing me, she begs him to "do something babe, say something." eventually, he gave up on them, too.

you fire off missiles 'cause you hate yourself but do you know you're demolishing me? and then you squeeze my hand as i'm about to leave

once again, this has taylor's self-loathing written all over it. "you fire off missiles 'cause you hate yourself" is similar to "my words shoot to kill when i'm mad, i have a lot of regrets about that" she's aware of her self-loathing and how she turns it outward and hurts her partner. the use of the word "demolishing" implies intent, too.

the last line also supports what i said earlier about her thinking she's self-centered. because isn't it selfish to deliberately hurt the person who held you through your darkest moments and then stop them from leaving when you've been pushing them away this entire time?

anyway, it's 6:41 am and i just wanted to let all this out because listening to it a few days ago and thinking of the song as her talking about herself from the perspective of someone who wanted to love her made me sad.

[phoenixyfriend]

I’ve been trying to figure out the best obi wan ship. They all have one slightly problematic thing this way or that. I’ve landed on the idea of obi wan and an equal is pretty top tier. But then I saw a picture of Coran from voltron. Coran and Obiwan might be a disaster but also both are dad shaped, both are bad ass, both are ginger, both have an accent. I think it could work. But another part of me is like Coran is just obi and jarjar mashed together. At the very least they hooked up.

Hey I just had restaurant ramen and Starbucks and actually feel like a human being so let's do something unnecessary but funny. I'm taking this as a challenge, anon.

Also IMO Coran has more in common with C3P0 than with JarJar

So obviously, both of these happen in Big Space, but the difference appears to be density. We see about the same complexity of culture and species interactions, but Voltron covers more galaxies. It's vaguely implied that Earth, at least, is the only planet with sapient life in the Milky Way.

I think the way I want to play this out, culturally, is that the Voltron area of the universe covers a much wider, but much more sparsely populated area, while the SW-verse is just the one very densely populated (in part because apparently humans just went Literally Everywhere) galaxy, where they didn't necessarily bother with developing the tech to go to other galaxies (except Rishi, which only sort of counts) because they haven't really even charted out their own yet. It was never contacted by the Voltron side of things because [checks notecards full of excuses] it's really far away from Altea and all that, and the Force shielded the galaxy from Galra interests because Reasons.

All this to say that the two franchises didn't interact until after the Voltron plotline was already over. We'll say it went mostly canon, except Allura survived because uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck that.

We'll say that this is mid-TCW, you know, before Obi-Wan is a bundle of repressed traumas and bad coping mechanisms that's lost almost everyone he's ever loved to the dark side through death or corruption. He's still (mostly) okay! Anakin's not dark (or at least, not as dark as he could be; Obi-Wan doesn't know about the Tuskens), and Ahsoka's still in good standing and most people are alive and--and okay the army is a massive ethical violation he hates with his very soul and he misses Qui-Gon and Anakin's keeping secrets and pulling away from him every day but He's Fine, Guys.

He's Fine.

In comes a ship from not Wild Space, but beyond that. Intergalactic visitors, from the direction of the deeply concerning Force bullshit they felt a few years ago. Translation tech is decent enough on both sides that they get to talking pretty quickly. The explorer is actually a member of the Blade of Marmora, who gets the absolute most basic info (approximately this many inhabited planets, approximately this many trillions of sapients in the recorded galaxy, basic structure of the government for the past however many years, most recent conflict, etc.)

BoM person is like "cool, okay so you guys are really well set-up so I'm just gonna head back and kick this up a few rungs of the coalition ladder because this is way above my paygrade, I'll make sure you get some diplomats who can maybe help out with the whole galactic civil war situation as neutral parties."

The Voltron Coalition does send a diplomat! They, uh, also send Coran, who isn't technically a diplomat, but he's high-level.

The thing is, okay, that Coran is mostly just... passably competent at things. He's a jack of all trades, master of none type. He knows a lot of things, actually, but his practical knowledge in high pressure situations tends to be up in the air. He knows how to fix the Castle Ship and various technologies, but all of that info is ten thousand years out of date. He was a competent fighter at one point but these days his back gives out. He's very knowledgeable regarding intergalactic politics but, again, that information is ten thousand years out of date. He's also a little prone to social gaffs in dicey situations (e.g. the inciting incident in the Voltron Show episode where he misses the single day with clear skies), but puts in so much goddamn effort to make things happen.

In this manner, he's like a warped mirror of what Obi-Wan is and could be.

THAT SAID

Coran is actually really good with teenagers, and specifically with training them.

And Obi-Wan... isn't.

Obi-Wan's snarky and snippy and sassy, and he's decent enough at teaching and he's great at being a jokey friend and all, but he's not necessarily very good at emotions. And unfortunately for Obi-Wan, the teenagers he spends the most time with are Really Full Of Emotions. He tries, bless him, but he's just... he doesn't respond well to emotional conversations at the best of times.

His son-figure saying "You're like a father to me" leads to a response of... radio silence. Guys. That's not the mark of a man who knows how to talk about his feelings with the people he cares about.

In swans Coran with the various other diplomatic envoys of the visiting extragalactic community. The entire situation is really leading to a lull in the war because nobody wants to risk pissing off this clearly well-funded, well-powered third party. As a result, many of the High Generals can interact with the envoys, even if they spend quite a bit of time eyeing the Separatist representatives on the other side of the room, because clearly Everyone Needs A Seat At This Table.

It's a very tense situation.

Obviously, Coran is exactly the weird uncle that goes around telling plausibly-exaggerated stories about Weblums and Yalmors and Balmeras. I'm going to say at least one former Paladin is there, maybe Hunk. Hunk's fun, and also very willing to help Coran make friends and seem Amicable instead of Distant by correcting some of the exaggerations. There's a nice, calm atmosphere in a bubble around Coran and his nonsense, and it's a weird situation but arguably just... you know. It's good. He's good at making people feel safe around him.

Cue the hissed argument between Skywalker and Kenobi. The actual cause of said argument isn't important, just the fact that, in a dark corner where they're less likely to cause a PR issue, Anakin and Obi-Wan are having it out. Anakin's maybe twenty, still a lanky ragebaby, all that fun stuff. Obi-Wan is a the endpoint of every too-young brotherdad. He's thirty-six but feels like he's sixty-three. He's tired, but trying so damn hard to still connect with Anakin and just--just--

Obi-Wan gives himself a few minutes to calm down before following Anakin. He doesn't even remember what they were arguing about, really, but he has to mend the bridge before it frays even more than it already has. If Anakin goes to Palpatine for advice again, he's going to... do something. Obi-Wan isn't sure what, but he just has to fix this.

What he finds is... well, Anakin did end up going to vent to a man of an earlier generation who acts like a slightly eccentric older relative, but it's not Palpatine for once.

The goofy, slightly abrasive but mostly charming, brightly-colored representative of the Voltron Coalition is standing in the little balcony that Anakin's made it to, listening as Obi-Wan's recently-knighted padawan vents. The man nods and makes noises at the appropriate times, and then asks questions that are... maybe a little too accurate.

"You said that you view him as a father, that he raised you after you left your mother."

"Well, yeah, but he doesn't think I'm ready, or--"

"No parent ever does."

"...my mom thought I was ready to become a Jedi."

"I can't speak for your mother," the representative says, "but the princess of my people, Allura... I half-raised that girl from the beginning, and after the destruction of Altea, we were all the other had left. I watched her lead battles and bring life to planets, trying to rebuild a universe out of the ashes of what we'd left behind... I saw the evidence with my own eyes, and I still, every time, I worried for her."

"Why?"

"I worried that she'd be hurt, that she wasn't ready, that she'd make a decision she regretted. Often, she did, and I had to help her back up, and while she's always come back, stronger than before... she is the closest thing I have ever had to a daughter, and I will always worry for her. Every parent does. Do you think, perhaps, that your own Jedi Master, that you consider a father, may worry because he looks at you like a son? That it's not that he doesn't trust you, but that he doesn't trust the world around you?"

Obi-Wan feels his heart in his throat.

The conversation continues in that vein. While Obi-Wan can't say he likes the fact that this stranger is putting words in his mouth, if only as hypotheticals, he can't deny that there's a part of him that relaxes as Anakin does, as every frustrated fresh-knight question gets a measured elderly-steward response that's angled to consider the interpretation that favors Anakin and Obi-Wan in equal measure. Every word encourages Anakin to talk things out and lay boundaries and express his frustrations to Obi-Wan in the plainest words possible.

There's a story in there, more than one. The representative tends to go off on tangents, ones that Anakin sometimes finds interesting and sometimes just resigns himself to. Mostly, though, it goes well, and Obi-Wan... well, he's always been 'a nosy little bastard,' according to quite a few people.

(In his defense, the terms they'd used about Quinlan's 'investigative personality' had been quite a bit stronger.)

He eavesdrops to the end, and Anakin doesn't notice at all. Obi-Wan's not sure if he should try to address Anakin's lack of awareness of the world around him. He's not technically Anakin's master anymore. The comment may be taken as a criticism of his worth and capability, rather than a sincere desire to see his padawan not die.

He approaches the representative instead. He intends to introduce himself. Instead, the first words that tumble out of his mouth are:

"How do you do it?"

The man--older than he looks from a distance, more wrinkles than the bright hair would suggest, but not quite elderly yet--turns and lifts a brow. "Hm?"

"I'm sorry, I'm--" Obi-Wan grimaces. "I'm Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. The young man you were just talking to is my former padawan, er, my former apprentice. I've been finding it harder and harder to speak with him over the past few years, and it seems that every interaction we have leads to an argument. How do you... manage that? I can't get him to listen to me at all."

"Ah, teenagers," the man sighs.

"He's twenty."

The representative pauses, and turns to him. "Are you the one he says raised him? The father?"

"Well... yes, I suppose that's one way to phrase it," Obi-Wan says, eyes darting to the side. He doesn't know how to explain the whole attachment situation to someone who barely knows what a Jedi is. He has even less of an idea of how to explain his own broken ability to speak of emotion, the parts of his mind that Bant clucks over and attributes to his own complicated relationship with Qui-Gon. "I had custody as his primary guardian from ages nine to nineteen and was the primary individual for handling his schooling, health, and general upbringing."

"That sounds to me like a very convoluted way of saying you were his father in all but name."

Obi-Wan grimaces. "I'm not exactly old enough to be his father, and I wasn't exactly the person he was supposed to learn from; I was the... back-up option."

"It seems he cares for you very much."

"He didn't have much of a choice," Obi-Wan says, with the kind of helpless smile and awkward shrug he's long gotten used to sharing with people when they ask. "And I assure you he'd have been happier with the man that was meant to teach him."

"I'd say that the 'would have' in this situation is much less important than what is," the representative says. Obi-Wan probably should have paid more attention to his name. "I wasn't in a position to define my relation to Allura or her father in the way that truly suited our situation, by... oh, tradition, social norms, public relations, take your pick. I was a very well-regarded official, of course, but I wasn't royalty, not even nobility, and I certainly wasn't wasn't legally or publicly part of the family. But for all the limitations there, I was still able to find ways to tell her and her family what they meant to me, and they in return. Your apprentice cares for you very much, and I'm sure you care back, but I'd hazard quite the guess that you've no idea how to tell him that."

"I... I shouldn't," Obi-Wan says. "I'm fond of him, of course, but I've no wish to smother him, and to simply say it would be undignified. I imagine he'd laugh in my face."

The representative raises one eyebrow and takes a sip of his drink.

"Master Kenobi," he says carefully. "Might I suggest you go find your young man, tell him you love him, and perhaps give him a hug?"

Obi-Wan's face flares red. It's been years since anyone short of Yoda has spoken to him like that.

"I'm not a child," he sniffs, trying to angle enough away that the blush isn't as noticeable. He's damnably prone to such things. "You're not that much older than me."

The man laughs, and Obi-Wan lifts his glass to his lips in a futile attempt to hid the embarrassment a little more. "Oh, not counting the stasis, I've well reached the age of six hundred and twenty-four, my boy!"

Obi-Wan chokes on his drink.

The man laughs a little more, but thumps him on the back until he's breathing normally again.

"Yes, most of the humans I've told have had quite the reaction!" the representative assures him. "But yes, even with the times adjusted to what any given local year is, I am significantly longer-lived than most species."

"No kidding," Obi-Wan manages. He wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand and looks over at the representative. He takes in the wrinkles and bright eyes, and says, "Well, I must say you look very well for a near-human of such an age. I can only name one person in that category that has managed better, and I haven't seen her since I was a child."

"I shall take that as the compliment it's intended to be," the representative says, twisting the edge of his mustache and beaming.

The man is... well, goofy, really, and quite a bit older than Obi-Wan had thought, but he's quite the charmer. Obi-Wan faintly compares him to a few different people in the back of his mind, but nothing quite fits. For all that the man is quite the jokester and--going by some things he'd seen from the corner of his eye in the main party--a master of physical comedy, the representative is actually more competent than he looks, and for all his visible age, not bad to look at. He is also, seemingly, an expert in dealing with teenagers and young adults, something Obi-Wan himself is... decidedly not.

He really should go speak with Anakin.

And there's a war to fight.

He doesn't really have much time, even with the recent lull.

He's in no place to be looking at the clean-shaven jaw and wondering what it would feel like under his lips, or to let himself consider whether this man would be the kind to have an hours-long discussion as to the narrative forms common in other galaxies, and whether they have anything paralleled to those in Obi-Wan's own, or if this man would show the same enthusiasm over teas that he'd shown over the hors d'oeuvres inside.

He should... really go find Anakin.

"I suppose it's time to find my padawan," he says, more to fill the air than anything. "Er... thank you, both for speaking with him, and for speaking with me."

"Not a problem at all, Master Kenobi!" the representative says, and Obi-Wan realizes that there's one last thing he may have... forgotten.

"This is terribly embarrassing, but I don't believe I caught your name?" Obi-Wan says.

"Coran Hieronymus Wimbleton Smythe, at your service!" the man says, with a sweeping bow. "As you can imagine, most simply call me Coran."

"Then I insist you call me Obi-Wan," he says, and before he can stop himself, "Might I bother you with an invitation to a shared tea time? You seem a knowledgeable fellow, and I'd appreciate the chance to... eh, pick your brain, shall we say."

It's not the smoothest come on he's ever put out there, or the most easily interpreted, but... well. Perhaps it's for the best. He's rather often found his tastes going in irresponsible directions, and it'll be much easier to brush this off without diplomatic incident if there's room for Coran to politely ignore the less platonic options.

Obi-Wan hopes he doesn't.

It's very selfish of him, but a dalliance with an older gentleman... well. He does, perhaps, make such irresponsible decisions, even now.

"I do believe I'd enjoy such a thing!" Coran enthuses, grabbing Obi-Wan's hand and shaking it in large, effusive movements.

Oh, this is a terrible idea, Obi-Wan thinks, even as he exchanges comm numbers and says goodbye.

Still.

He likes the idea of having at least a little fun, sedate or less so, while they have some time to themselves.

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Thoughts on, Invader Zim Quarterly: Holiday Special

WEEEE WISH YOU A MERRY JINGLY WE WISH YOU A MERRY JINGLY!

Ahhhhh It’s out! I’m so excited!

But I always get excited when it has my man Membrane and my man Eric Trueheart involved with the comics. 

Also santa..   Tbh, I was excited and nervous about this quarterly. 

Excited because it has Membrane santa backstory...

But I was nervous because that it means they might bring back the santa-blob monster from the Holiday special on the TV... and The Christmas special is one of my least favorite IZ episodes...   I mean... I rewatch it occasionally, and it’s fun, but I’m just kinda used to IZ having more BITE in it’s satire if you know what I mean? The Christmas Special in the IZ universe doesn’t really say anything about the capitalism of Christmas... it’s not like IZ hasn’t made fun of capitalism before. (that’s the whole show)  The Christmas Special in the show just kinda fell flat of my expectations of what an Invader Zim episode should be....

The only thing I respect the Holiday Special for, is that it goes down the “Santa isn’t real” route in a kid’s show and sticks to it. (there’s no “real santa” that shows up and “solves everything”) All of the “Santa’s Helpers” confused the Santa mythos with the Christianity Jesus mythos. (”waiting one day for his return”) Which makes sense, since IZ is like dystopian future Suburbia Hell. I just kinda like that there’s no “real santa” that interfered to “fix everything” and that Zim himself ended up CREATING Santa when he didn’t exist previously. Like I find that kinda cool...

Other then that, I just kinda wanted something else from the Hoilday special then what I got. (It taking priority over scrapped episodes like “the trail” and “Ten minutes to doom” and “mopiness of doom” does not help it’s case in being one of my C-tier episodes...) 

So maybe this quarterly will fill the void of what I wanted out of a Holiday special? Well, let’s see. 

SPOILERS FOR THE QUARTERLY BELOW THE CUT

Ways to get Dana off-board immediately: Monster Santa is canon. 

I always never liked to view the special as canon for ways that it fell flat before.

And I had the excuse of saying that the snowman was an unreliable narrator and I could adapt it down the line in my fic as a different story. 

I just didn’t like the idea of Monster-horror-blob santa...  Like... Cool design... but he just kinda represents everything I disliked about the special...  (including the major inconsistency of when Tak’s ship got fixed...)

But then again.. I need to remember IZ’s lore isn’t as consistent as I think it is sometimes... 

Okay, fine. Monster blob santa real... what else you got for me, Holiday special?

FACE HUGGER SANTA! FACE HUGGER SANTA! I AM NOT INTO IT! 

WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! NO. DANA HATES THIS!

Okay, kinda into it because this means that ZIM CREATED SANTA in this mythos... I am dying.... wait.. this takes place in the future then...soo...?

haoFhaGHAOhfgg 

It was all a dream?!  

GOOD.

my heart couldn’t take it if horror-santa was real... 

Also... that nightcap and bed... Does this mean we’re going to have an Invader Zim Christmas Carol?!?!?! I know that’s been adapted a schmillion times but I would be so into that.... 

Also... Flying... hamm...

Good ol’ Zim... Repressing those memories...  

Also this being the THIRD ETF reference in a quarterly, It can be very safe to say the Quarterly issues take place after the events of ETF.

Clembrane exists in the Quarterly, Membrane has robot arms, Zim remembers this (kinda)  Yeah this is definately ETF verse and it’s here to stay. 

Christmas Carol?! I’m down for this... and I can’t help but notice their claws look familiar

OH HOLY HELL I WAS RIGHT! THESE GUYS! I LOVE THESE GUYS?!

Why are you here tho?

I’m a bit lost on why these guys wanta take over the earth, but they’re hilarious so I’m just glad they’re here.

Also...   The Christmas Special is Schrodinger's Christmas... did it happen, or was it a dream, or the tales of a lunatic snowman... I guess I’ll never know. 

The issue goes on for an IZ Christmas Carol parody (heck yea) and the visions are all hilarious and I’m not gonna spoil them here... but...

Eric.... this is terrifying..........thanks I hate it. 

TINY DIB THOUGH! GHAOGHAHGAHAHA

THIS IS GREAT

THE MORE DIB SUFFERS THE MORE I LOVE IT!

“Though I am Dib and sickly father”

I’m dying XDDDDD

Also... What the fuck is Zim’s reaction here... 

I find it funny that Zim has put Dib into simulated realities before... (in the show and comics) and in the show, Dib is all powerful and in the comics, Dib is just himself and Zim is his brother..

But seeing a simulated Dib all weak and pathetic and chronically ill BOTHERS ZIM?!?!

That’s... well that’s interesting. 

Thought he’d laugh at this honestly, but he seems greatly annoyed... 

I CHANGED MY MIND! THIS IS THE BEST THING! 

(those who know me know why I’m dying over this)

YES!!!

ZIM DOESN’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE FEEL BAD FOR HIM OR PITY HIM! 

(which confirms like a lot of my hcs and adds spicy kindling to my au much mad respect) 

This I find interesting...  Zim complepative over his lonely/abandoned grave. It’s like he really doesn’t know how to feel. It’s more of a numbness then a sadness. Or he noticed how empty his life is... 

He feels lonely and empty about it...  which tracks considering how Zim’s greatest fear in the Trial was to be deleted and never be remembered by anyone. 

I don’t know... This panel makes me feel things...

Johnen: Haha. Zim’s not that deep a character.

Eric: Hey for the Christmas special, let’s have Zim parody a Christmas carol and feel lonely staring at his own empty grave when he realizes no one cares about him or misses him.

Johnen: Cool. Do it. 

What are you two assholes doing to me, man?! I have feelings! 

AND ONCE AGAIN!

Zim hates pity and people feeling bad and sorry for him. 

Man this makes me so sad...  And it really feels like this issue looked into my brain again, cause I have some plans relating to Zim not wanting sympathy or pity from anyone later down the line (okay I’ll shut up about my au. We’re talking Zim here)

And of course, Zim breaks everything like he usually does. (this time on purpose)

Also nice callback that Zim remembered that Dib said he liked his boots one time in the Poop-wizard issue. 

Also, it ends? I guess this quarterly has a few shorter stories this time... which I’m fine with. 

Also, Zim should consider Green and Blue like D-list friends at this point and just invite them in for some fundip or something (come on, Zim, it’s Christmas.....) 

GASP!?!?!

LITTLE MEMBRANE!!!

AND GRANDPARENTS CONFIRMED!!! 

Wait... so his Parents are scientists too? Is that why he always wanted to be a scientist?

But then wait.... If Membrane inherited Membrane Labs from his parents... Why is HIS FACE the brand of the Company?..... There’s so much Membrane-face brand merch in the show. (it decorates his home..) 

Like even if they were dead, if his parents founded Membrane labs, I feel they’d still be the face. of the company... (that’s how a lot of corporate faces are these days... they show some old dead guy who made the company as opposed to the son who inherited the Company.... Like everyone knows who Walt Disney/Mickey Mouse is, but unless you pay close attention to that kinda thing, not everyone knows who the current chairman or CEO is in the modern age....)

I just find that a bit odd. 

Anyways... I feel people can still do what they want with Membrane’s parents and get away with it. I’m not changing my “his parents were farmers” headcanon. Sorry comic..

BUT I LOVE THEIR DESIGNS.

I love how Membrane looks a lot like his mother, and his father is just BUFF GAZ with a pipe.... Truely legends. 

GASP!!!

COLLEGEBRANE COLLEGEBRANE COLLEGEBRANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOKOUT DIB, THIS IS YOUR FUTURE!

I FUCKING LOVE HOW OILY HE LOOKS.. AND IT ADDS UP CAUSE...

The Membrane Men when they don’t shower or bathe in months.....

Someone help these two.

(thank god Membrane got better at personal hygiene.) 

Also Teenbrane STILL has his human arms and not his robo-arms.

This means he loses his arms later in life...  YUSH HORRAY FOR HEADCANNONS BEING VALIDATED!

He didn’t lose his arms in a shark accident when he was a KID! It happened WAY LATER!

NICE!

OH MY GOD HE IS BABY!

HE IS SO SHY AND ACKWARD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

I LOVE HIM!

He is just... all sweat and hiding his work but also very passionate and spiteful. 

Like you can see who he grew up to become, and you can also see how a kid like Dib came out of a man like him...

But I love social anxiety awkward early twenties/late teens Membrane... He is a baby! 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

MEMBRANE ;w;

Basically, Membrane knows that Santa isn’t real, but he doesn’t want to be mad at his parents so he harbors a grudge on Santa instead... THAT’S SO SWEET I’M CRYING  TTmTT

LIKE THAT IS SO SWEET AND I’M CRYING!

(also I love how me and Ceph understand Membrane’s character too well that the gesture he does in the 2nd panel here are reminisant of our fic so many times... Like we have his mannerisms down and I love when the mask slips from Membrane and we get to see a real person... augh soo good) 

WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO MAKE MY MAN THIS SAD?! ONLY I CAN MAKE HIM SAD!

MEMBRANE TTMTT

AUUUGHH

Also probably guessing the parents are dead...   I’m just laughing at their designs... 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Yes you are, Professor Membrane... Don’t let anyone tell you different. (actually, please do) Well, I mean,  At least you’re trying and get progressively better.

(also... this probably means everytime Dib has asked his Dad for a dangerous weapon to fight Zim with, Membrane just gives it to him no questions asked and I’m doing a MAJOR concern about this man’s parenting skills... get help please good sir!) 

Also, Dib really saved the day again here (like he did in Dib’s big day)

Dib called about destroying santa when Membrane was in one of his lowest points...  He hides it really well...   Especially from his children..

Ah..  I loved that one.

But I’m a huge Membrane Simp though.

I did find the stuff about Membrane’s parents a little weird... like I said regarding how Membrane’s face is the brand of Membrane labs...

Could be true that they were other scientists and that Membrane founded Membrane labs later... but that seems highly unlikely... 

Also... Why does the house look that hug when in the christmas special, it looked kinda like...well... just not that, and kinda more humble from the interior and not some big rocket lab...

So yeah... AMAZING character building for Membrane (which I eat up)

Hilarious Grandparent Designs. But I still prefer @esthyradler​ ‘s Grandparents. The superior Grandparents.

Anyways... The Quarterly was GREAT! 

I kinda find it funny the Zim story is the weaker one of the two again... But I honestly blame the Christmas Horror blob connection and the Christmas Carol parody. 

Or maybe my Membrane Bias is clouding my mind here.  I do have Zim bias but sometimes Zim can frustrate me. There’s just so many times Zim can do and say the same things you know? Zim is my baby, but sometimes his denial and annoyance with everyone can be very predictable at points. Zim was just way more fun in the last quarterly than this one. 

With Membrane it’s more of a blank slate what to do with him cause he ony started really mattering as a character since ETF. Yes, I do love show Membrane, but I admit he wasn’t exactly a character then. More of a presence and excuse for why Dib had access to lab equipment. With Dib’s Dilemma and this Hoilday special, the Quarterly folks seem determined to turn him into a fully realized character with the rest of the cast and I’m extremely excited to hear that!

(Computer issue/backstory WHEN?!) 

I don’t really have ratings or systems for these but hope you liked my thoughts.

Merry Christmas everyone.

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Episode 7

Their first vow together. So nice! I actually do like the parallels here between Lan Yi and Wei Wuxian, and Baoshan Sanren and Lan Wangji: you have one set being reckless and untamed (I said it) and the other set trying to restore order. It’s kind of funny that the ancestors are switched, though. So here we have Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji vowing to bring all the Yin Iron pieces back to the cold spring pond to neutralize them, and of course Lan Wangji’s first reaction is, “None of your business.” It’s cute how Lan Yi takes Wei Wuxian’s side and has a sense of pride for her close friend’s disciple. I think he’s an honorary Lan in her eyes.

And then Lan Yi gives them a warning to not make the same mistakes she made. Wei Wuxian’s like, “Yep, got it, I promise.” But we all know from the beginning that this obviously doesn’t go well for him, since he dies in the first five minutes of the series. He will go on to make some questionable decisions, most of which are driven by his emotions, which are often not in check. Side note: I love this series, but I don’t like how they took a great grey character like Wei Wuxian and turned him into a character where many of the things that went wrong were caused by other people.

Another side note. That fucking Yin Iron fell on the guqin so many times, and it didn’t dent it at all. Is the guqin made out of iron too? I thought it was wood. If I did that to my violin, I guarantee you the violin would not fare very well.

Forever a favorite moment. It was great enough that they were tied together by Lan Wangji’s headband, but even better that Wei Wuxian fell on him. So great—such a tease to the audience. And this is as close as we get to the scene in the book when Lan Wangji uses the body binding spell to keep Wei Wuxian on top of him all night (ooh, my heart skipped a beat when I read that).

Also, taking the screenshot, I noticed you can see the impression of the little metal piece from Lan Wangji’s headband. Little things like that interest me for some reason. I wonder if it bothered Wang Yibo—did it press too hard on his forehead? I remember him saying he’d get tan lines from the headband.

I love this little smirk he does. A moment when Wei Wuxian’s gift to gab really pays off. Instead of letting Lan Wangji talk and explain the situation, Wei Wuxian keeps speaking, lying about what they were doing. I’d like to think he does it in part to protect Lan Wangji and to stop him from breaking any of his clan rules, but likely it’s another chance for him to prove himself as someone Lan Wangji can trust. And I take Lan Wangji’s little acknowledgement of him there as his silent “thank you.” It says a lot, I think, that Wei Wuxian is willing to lie to Jiang Cheng in order to protect the Lan Clan’s secrets.

I’m sorry, but every time I hear Nie Huaisang say, “You were gone a whole day and night,” my mind immediately goes to the gutter—like the implication is that they were doing something inappropriate during that time. I keep expecting a sex joke, only to remind myself that this was on Chinese television and that would, of course, not happen. Jiang Cheng says a similar thing (and my mind goes the same way that time too), but in that case, canon book Jiang Cheng does later accuse them of having a more-than-friendly relationship, and he does not say it in a nice way.

Also, throughout the scene that precedes this, where Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are discussing what to do next with Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen, it really feels like wangxian just want to go on a buddy road trip together, and they are so disappointed when they are turned down. Oh, I didn’t screencap it, but Lan Wangji has the saddest sad face at the end.

I think Lan Wangji is a little impressed here but he doesn’t want to admit it. Wei Wuxian has a great gift to come up with ridiculous stories and lies at the drop of a hat. I love that Wei Wuxian doesn’t have to come up with a scary snake story when he could have just told Nie Huaisang what he’d already told Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing, but he does anyway. Mad respect.

This also kind of amuses me because Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji can never really have a moment alone. They keep getting interrupted by other people when I think they just want to talk about what they experienced. Instead we just have all these shared glances. Nothing like a big fat secret to get close to each other, right?

Omfg Jiang Cheng is so jealous! I thought maybe I was imagining it or just projecting my own ideas onto him, but NO—he is jealous! He’s all like, “If you like Lan Wangji so much, why don’t you marry him?” I mean, that basically happened. I’ve gone on about this before, but I love the tension between Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji, and the fact that it continues even after Wei Wuxian dies makes it even better. Jiang Cheng is so stubborn and continues to hold a grudge against Lan Wangji, and it bothers the fuck out of him that there’s someone out there devoted to Wei Wuxian, by whom Jiang Cheng feels so betrayed.

And, I mean, by this point, it’s already started. As soon as they get to the Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian starts paying more attention to Lan Wangji than he does to either Jiang Cheng or Jiang Yanli. And Jiang Cheng likes to say, “You’re worrying my sister, you’re hurting my sister” when he really means, “You’re worrying me.” His stupid pride gets in the way of having a good relationship with Wei Wuxian. And I don’t think Wei Wuxian would ever put Lan Wangji above Jiang Cheng, who he considers his family—at least not at this point. It’s not until the second half that things switch, and really, even then, in the CQL-verse, the two are probably equal in Wei Wuxian’s mind. He backs off from Jiang Cheng due to Jiang Cheng’s attitude toward him.

Okay, Jiang Cheng’s jealousy aside, I love how steadfast and supportive Wei Wuxian is of him. As soon as he catches on that Jiang Cheng is jealous, he immediately starts trash-talking the Cloud Recesses and talking up Lotus Pier. It’s very cute, very sweet. He’s a good brother to him, really.

Now who’s jealous? Just kidding. I love his wistful expression here, as he watches them go off. Anyone who’s read the book knows that Lan Wangji does get jealous at times and certainly frustrated with Wei Wuxian’s coquettish behavior. I would say he is more longing at this moment, maybe even wanting to get closer to Wei Wuxian, without really understanding why himself. There’s such an isolation to his world: even though he’s surrounded by other disciples, he doesn’t have any friends. He’s maybe regretting how quickly he refused to the invitation to Lotus Pier. I think, on the one hand, Lan Wangji has found one person in this world who not only shares a secret with him, but who has similar goals—on the other hand, his code of ethics are all over the place. His heart and mind are conflicted: he wants to get closer, but he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision. To his Gusu Lan Clan mind, Wei Wuxian is all wrong, but his heart says otherwise. And I’m not saying he loves him already—but he is already seeing a kindred spirit in Wei Wuxian, someone who he can rely on, someone he can trust, someone who has his back, even if it means bending a few rules. And in a relationship, you have nothing if you don’t have trust.

I never noticed that they were communicating telepathically here. Or something. I dunno. I guess it’s not that clear.

Also if it feels like I’m ignoring all these parts with the Wen Clan, it’s because I am. I mean, not really, but this is all the Yin Iron stuff that I don’t really care about. And I’m not in the Xue Yang fan club either, so I’m not going to spend time on him until he’s actually in it in Yueyang (possibly) and Yi City. Actually, confession: I’ve never watched the Yi City flashback episodes. I read it, so I know it, but I never watched it hahaha. I will this time around. I made that pact with myself.

AWWW, HE SMILED!!!

Ahem, excuse me. This is too fucking cute, though. The rabbit lantern that Wei Wuxian drew just for him, his cute baby smile, and the Wei Wuxian pointing it out with a grin. Cuteness overload—my heart can’t take it.

But I also had a sad thought that if Wei Wuxian hadn’t come over, Lan Wangji would be sitting here alone. He’d make his lantern all on his own, send it off into the sky, say his own prayer to himself, and never hear Wei Wuxian’s, which likely sends Lan Wangji over the edge with his feelings. Everything he thought about Wei Wuxian was true, and maybe it’s okay to like him, maybe it’s okay to consider him a friend, maybe it’s okay to trust him that way.

Just a shot that I liked. Enjoy.

I feel so bad for Jiang Yanli here. I also feel bad for Jin Zixuan, even though he’s a complete dick. I understand how they both feel here—to be tied to someone you don’t know, from the time you were small children is incredibly unfair in my eyes. That being said, I know this still happens in other parts of the world, and it’s implied that it’s common in our CQL/MDZS world (which would make sense, of course). I like the feeling of siding with Wei Wuxian, wanting to come to Jiang Yanli’s defense and protect her honor, while also still having an understanding of how Jin Zixuan must feel about the whole thing. His choice has been completely taken away. And he’s, what, 17 here? What 17-year-old boy wants to be reminded constantly about how he’s already engaged? It’s not typically a young man’s dream to settle down and get married—not that it can’t be! But the implication here, with all the girls tittering about it, is that they’re all excited about marriage, and he wants nothing to do with it. Of course, Jiang Yanli isn’t either. I think she really just wants to get to know him and spend time with him, before even thinking about marrying him.

Ah, a momentous occasion: the first time Lan Wangji tries to stop Wei Wuxian from getting himself into trouble (not counting the first time they met, when he was literally trying to police him while breaking Cloud Recesses rules). I like this shot, because you have Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji on either side of Wei Wuxian, and Jiang Yanli in the front, literally putting her body between him and Jin Zixuan (actually this parallels her final scene). It kind of shows the depths of their relationships (or at least what the director wants to show us). You have Lan Wangji, who grabs onto Wei Wuxian to try to stop him from further brawling; Jiang Cheng, who stands beside him, but isn’t really involved otherwise—standoffish, in a way; and then Jiang Yanli, who physically gets in the way. She’s the quintessential big sister. And I’m not saying Jiang Cheng doesn’t care—he does, but I think his first thought always has to do with the honor of the Jiang Clan and, while he’s standing beside Wei Wuxian, it’s almost as if he doesn’t want to show any involvement with this brawl, because that would look bad.

Ah, the old dudes meeting, while Jiang Cheng stands off to the side awkwardly, wondering if he should be there or not. At the outset, this meeting to decide their children’s future seemed kind of bad, but it actually turned out nice, with them agreeing to call off the engagement. Very progressive, I thought.

Two things I learned in this scene: Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to marry a woman and he doesn’t want to leave the Cloud Recesses yet (TL: he doesn’t want to leave Lan Wangji). He seriously looks so disappointed when she says they’re going home soon.

This feels like a mixture of “I’m worried about you” and “I don’t want to be left out.” We already know at this point that Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to leave the Cloud Recesses (more that he doesn’t want to leave Lan Wangji, because he doesn’t like all of the rules, obviously). He also is very interested in what’s happening with the Yin Iron, as he has also vowed to protect it with Lan Wangji. He is very perceptive—he knows something is happening, that Lan Wangji is going to go off on his own, and he wants to go with. It’s kind of hard to say if this is more out of duty or his adventurous spirit, but either way, he wants to help Lan Wangji.

“After his leave, things will be as quiet here as before.”

Look at how sad he is! The only person he considers a friend has just left, and at this point, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever see him again. It’s possible, sure, but then only at clan gatherings, and that’s if Wei Wuxian and Lang Wangji even happen to attend the same one. I believe we know from the book that Lan Wangji doesn’t typically attend gatherings (when he’s older), he often skips them. And Wei Wuxian isn’t necessarily important enough to even be invited, so he would have to be a guest of Jiang Cheng. Obviously we all know that they do go to gatherings and see each other again, but this is what I’d be thinking if I were Lan Wangji, okay? Like, when am I going to see him again? Will I ever see him again?

I leave you with a wholesome picture of Wei Wuxian and a rabbit. Also adorable that he contemplates bringing the bunnies back to Lotus Pier, but doesn’t because Lan Wangji might get lonely. MY HEART!

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

[princess-of-the-worlds]

Torchwood and the (Mis)treatment of its Characters of Color

Let’s be honest; despite its decent track record with queer characters, Torchwood has a problem with how it treats its characters of colors, and I say this as a South Asian, bisexual fan of the show. 

For the purposes of this post, I will only be looking at the Torchwood television series (so spoilers for Seasons 1 and 2, Children of Earth, and Miracle Day), and not as Big Finish Torchwood releases since I do not believe myself to be well-versed enough in them to be able to make an accurate post. And also, as much as I love Big Finish for eveything they’re doing, on-screen POC representation is very different from audio POC representation. (And for the purposes of this post, I will not be addressing the mistreatment of Martha Jones, which really, if you think about it, stems from Doctor Who and not Torchwood.)

TLDR; Torchwood has neglected or mistreated its characters of color, given them little or no background, and brutally killed them off, often for shock value.

Let’s start with Suzie Costello. 

Suzie Costello, played by Indira Varma who is a British actress of Indian descent, was promoted alongside the regular cast members in publicity material before “Everything Changes” aired, giving the impression that she would be sticking around for a while or would be a main character. Instead, she was unceremoniously killed off at the end of the first episode and only pops up once more in “They Keep Killing Suzie.” At no point was Suzie acknowledged as a woman of color or given much more background beyond her tumultuous, most likely abusive, relationship with her father.

Next, we get to Toshiko Sato, left as the only person of color on the team after Suzie’s death. 

Wonderful, gorgeous, caring Tosh who, for all intents and purposes, is essentially a walking stereotype. She’s an Asian (Japanese specifically) technology genius who is unlucky at love. Need I say more? (Check out this Teen Vogue article if you’re wondering why that’s a bad thing, or, honestly, just quickly search Google.) And all three of the Tosh-heavy episodes (”Greeks Bearing Gifts,” “To the Last Man,” and “Adam”) feature her being unlucky in love (Mary betraying her, Tommy dying, and Adam manipulating her). Plus, there’s everything with Owen where she pines after him for years only for him to finally recognize that before he dies, and then he, well, dies; that plot arc only ends in death and sadness.

Additionally, we only have limited background for Tosh in comparison to Jack and Gwen (who I guess you could kind of say are the main characters) but even in comparison to Ianto (for whom more background was revealed only because he became a more prominent character in COE.) We know she was born in London, moved to Japan as a child, and at some point moved back before growing up in the United Kingdom. She had a younger brother (mentioned in a deleted scene in “Captain Jack Harkness”) and a grandfather who worked at Bletchley Park (mentioned in “Greeks Bearing Gifts” and “Captain Jack Harkness.”) She also very much loved her family, or at least her mother, enough to commit treason for her, despite her mother only being seen in “End of Days” and “Fragments.” But that’s about it. 

There was so much more Torchwood could have done with Tosh. We could have seen more about her family or her education. We certainly could have seen more about her bisexuality; everything that happened with Mary was not a satisfying resolution. Instead, she was killed off alongside Owen in “Exit Wounds.” Torchwood used the death of a woman of color for shock value, and no matter how effective or emotional that was, it was not excusable. There was so much story left to be told with Toshiko Sato. 

Tosh’s death brought the racial diversity in Torchwood down to zilch.

Next, we have Lisa Hallett.

Now, Lisa Hallett...what do we actually know about her? She worked at Torchwood One, dated Ianto Jones, and loved him enough to maybe fight cyberprogramming for him - this part might be subjective to your own interpretation of “Cyberwoman.” We don’t know anything about her, really, apart from how she is defined and described for a white male main character, which...is problematic enough. I mean, would it have been too much to ask the writers for maybe some further description? I mean, I don’t know. Maybe where exactly she worked in Torchwood London? How she joined? How she met Ianto? If she had any family, any other friends? Why she loved Torchwood and worked there? Heck, a flashback scene featuring a non-cyberized Lisa and Ianto would have been brilliant. Is that too much to have asked of the Torchwood writers? I don’t know.

Then there’s the entire fact that Lisa was turned into a Cyberwoman. Now, I have many problems with how Doctor Who and Torchwood uses its Cybermen, especially regarding its continuous brutalization of black and brown bodies for emotional and shock value (Lisa, Danny Pink, and Bill Potts are only some examples.) It sends a very, very nasty message to these shows’ viewers of color, especially if they’re younger and more impressionable. Plus, the depiction of Lisa in “Cyberwoman” was uncomfortable and unnecessarily sexualized, but this is a whole different essay. But in the end, Lisa Hallett was pumped with bullets many, many times, and her death only added to the emotional pain of a white man.

Now, we come to more minor characters.

Beth Halloran was a human who did not know her true identity as an alien sleeper agent. She had a very interesting and action-packed story arc in “Sleeper” before ending up dead at the hands of Torchwood. She had an emotional struggle between her human identity and her truth as an alien sleeper and chose to help save the world, intentionally ending up dead at the hands of Torchwood. That being said, she was still another character of color who Torchwood had bothered fleshing out who ended up dead.

Next, there’s Dr. Rupesh Patanjali. 

Introduced in COE, he’s a medical doctor who catches Jack and Ianto working on a case and ends up piquing their interest after he makes some shit up. Spoiler alert: he’s an MI-5 plant. We see Gwen attempt to conduct orientation and recruitment with him. He has a fun setup to be a potential new Torchwood member and inside spy, but instead, he lures Jack to the hospital where Jack’s implanted with a bomb. And despite doing his job as requested and doing it rather well, Rupesh Patanjali is shot dead by Agent Johnson that very episode, just like Beth.

Then we have Lois Habiba, arguably the most interesting and fun character introduced in COE. 

She’s a naive newcomer, almost like Gwen, but during her first week working in the Home Office, she finds herself committing treason, conspiring against her boss Frobisher, and helping save the world from an alien invasion. She’s smart, resourceful, and principled, very much like Ianto. Like with a lot of the characters on this list, we know next-to-nothing about her background, which is odd considering her rather major role in COE. And despite being seemingly set up to become a member of Torchwood, we never see her again.

Finally, we come to Miracle Day and its two new characters of color, Rex Matheson and Dr. Vera Juarez. I won’t be getting into too much detail here, especially since MD has its own problems.

Ah, Rex.

Torchwood finally has a man of color for a main character who seems like he could be an interesting foil to Jack (a high-ranking CIA agent with a high bullshit meter), and what do they do...they kill him in his first scene. Oh, and they make him “lightly” homophobic, because that’s always fun. And then he ends up immortal in some kind of bullshit plot hole...I have enough to say there.

Vera, however, was quite interesting. Again, little to no background besides the basic (from San Antonio, had an ex-husband, is a surgeon), but she was still a Latina medical doctor. She had morals and was very stubborn and determined to save people, which is why she insisted into helping Torchwood sneak into the overflow camp. And what did she get for that? She ended up brutually shot in front of her lover Rex, which traumatized them both, and then literally burnt alive. Thrown on top of that? In a quite meta move really, the death of another woman of color was used to incite outrage around the country, and the world, and expose the wrongdoings of the United States government regarding the Miracle. Good stuff? Either way, it came at the cost of the death of one strong woman of color and the further trauma of another man of color.

Plus, there’s everything about how unnecessarily violent and graphic some of the deaths of these characters of color. To put it into perspective, think about how Owen or Ianto or Esther died. (I’m not trying to reduce the values of their deaths; I’m just trying to get you to think about it.)

So yeah, that’s all I have to say about that. Torchwood, you could have done better with your characters of color. (And thank you if you stuck all this way with me.)

TLDR; Torchwood has neglected or mistreated its characters of color, given them little or no background, and brutally killed them off, often for shock value.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

To the Tulula Anon

Once again, my anon fairy (as someone once called them) has blessed me with numerous asks about my OTP and I decided this would be the simplest method of addressing all of them without flooding the feed. It's so wonderful to hear from you again!

I love this whole concept and I hadn’t ever thought of it before, but you’re absolutely right. Come to think of it...man, why does it feel like it’s been years since I heard the word “Tarasu?” Because it’s a great ship name and I kind of remember it, but I swear I haven’t actually seen the Tulip/Tonks ship described that way in ages. Anyway, I think you’re right. Obviously, MC being friends with Tulip would be a much bigger deal and probably would overshadow any issues that Merula has with Tonks...but like, assuming that MC/Tulip isn’t canon in a particular ‘verse and everyone knows it, then Merula would be upset about both, but they would be very different types of anger.

Yeah, that is exactly what Merula would do and while I doubt Tonks would enjoy it, Merula is ultimately harmless and most people figure that out after a while. She’d be annoyed by the use of her first name and while she might take offense to the remarks about her looks, but honestly Tonks doesn’t seem like the type to be self-conscious about that. She obviously chooses to look the way she does and she chooses her look for a reason. I actually have many, many head-canons about her “true” appearance and why she doesn’t present it on a regular basis. (Psst, it’s Bellatrix. She looks like her mom and her mom is said to look like Bellatrix.) I feel like she’d know Merula was just being cruel and might even be able to guess why, assuming that Tulip could figure it out.

Oh don’t even worry about accidentally sending an Ask more than once. That happens more than you might think, it’s no trouble. I just delete the duplicates. And can I just say that you are absolutely correct and it’s one of my favorite things about their dynamic. I love how Merula tries so damn hard to look powerful and cool but it never works on Tulip because she just knows her better than anyone. There’s no fooling her. She sees right through it when Merula tries to pretend that her vulnerable moment was just a lie during the Frog Choir TLSQ. And I don’t even want to think about how it would feel for Tulip to realize that Merula doesn’t fancy her anymore, if that time ever came.

(Was there a part four? If so, it didn’t come through, I’m so sorry!) Oh, Tulip and her friendships. I feel like she’s a much better friend than she gives herself credit for, absolutely. But I also feel as though she would do exactly what you’re saying. This is such a heartbreaking and not unrealistic way to tackle the subtext that I’ve always felt is there, this kind of awkward and quasi-romantic undertone in the relationships between these three characters. Admittedly, Tulip and MC haven’t had much shiptease since Year 3 (Though I still think that was quite something) but MC and Merula are hinted again and again to this day. The game’s canon suggests that perhaps Tulip has moved onto Tonks by now, but if we suppose she hadn’t, I can truly believe that she would try to assist MC in wooing Merula even if it killed her inside, because she wants both her beloved and her friend to be happy.

Don’t even get me started. Because I agree with you about Tulip being the one to initiate their first kiss, it’s something she would totally do and Merula would be left red faced and spluttering. Mistletoe? Yeah I can totally see it, though based on the two Christmases that we spend time with Merula, she isn’t hanging out with Tulip over the holiday. Still, no reason they couldn’t be. I doubt Tulip actually wants to go home for Christmas, unless she was getting to spend it with her grandmothers. And in that case, I bet she’d invite Merula to come stay with them. Still, I could see a Mistletoe kiss happening. Or maybe the spontaneity of a New Year’s kiss? They’re both excuses to kiss someone and then play it off like it meant nothing if the feelings aren’t returned. As for the “back together” kiss, I like to imagine everything comes full circle and Merula is the one to initiate that and that it’s her turn to leave Tulip speechless.

You are so spot on about the difference between them and in their plans. It’s something that I don’t think people talk about enough. Unlike other chaotic types in this universe, unlike Jae, Tonks, and even Merula...Tulip isn’t impulsive. She’s a planner. Her pranks, her schemes, they’re all meticulously planned down to the last detail because she is a brilliant Ravenclaw and of course they are, she was brought up by strict, lawful parents. If there’s one thing she absorbed from them, it’s that. Compared to Tonks and yes, to Merula...who basically wing it. Merula strikes me as the kind of person who might make plans, but they would never pan out right, so she would eventually stop bothering and just coast on her confidence in the abilities of the Best Witch at Hogwarts.

If there’s one thing I love more than the implicit knowledge that Merula is one of the shortest characters in the entire game and the various headcanons about this, if there’s one thing that could make me even happier...it would have to be your description of Merula as a “gay disaster tomato” I can’t even begin to describe how fantastic that is. Bless her, it’s perfect, and she so is.One other thing I’m always up for is headcanons that make me like Diego more and this is most certainly one of them! He would absolutely be Merula’s wingman in all this. Seriously, their friendship is one I find to be underrated and you could even call it a bit of foreshadowing for how unpopular Diego actually is that he hangs around Merula of all people. Still! It’s a wholesome bond and I can just picture him bouncing around and demanding all the gossip for what happened, his instantly knowing that something did.

Continued in Part 2!

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

What’s Kirsty’s relationship with Jess like? (I know you touched on it a bit in the Yale ask but I wanna know more!)

Short answer: “true friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together” meets “slow burn found family”

Long Answer: oh boy buckle up we’re getting an Outline™ bc I really don’t know how to sum it up bc it’s a lot of growth and shit!  it’s like... many many paragraphs so I’m tossing this under a cut bc i don’t want to be murdered lmao

(I’m just... v proud of how much work went into planning out their whole arc and how the dynamic shifts and how certain plots play into things and I just wanted to share it all I couldn’t chill and I’m like half sorry but thank you for this ask I love them)

So when they first meet they don’t really get along because they’re just generally both kind of abrasive and shit, like it’s not personal on either end but they both generally push people away so that they don’t open themselves up to get hurt which makes their first couple of meetings kind of rough

but then there’s the dinner at Lorelai’s and Kirsty went outside because the whole vibe was just setting her on edge, and she hears the Lorelai rant bullshit (hi lorelai he’s seventeen and your an adult grow the fuck up) and as he leaves she goes after him — she tries to apologize for “my mom being... well, the way she is” and Jess immediately snaps back that he doesn’t want her pity, and Kirsty just shrugs and goes “nah dude I get it, parents suck.  My dad is a piece of shit and my mom, well, you’ve met her... not to mention she named Rory after herself and me after my piece of shit dad so I’m sure you can guess who her favourite child is” and just keeps it very chill and Jess takes that a lot better than pity and they end up talking for a bit and are like “yeah okay I can get along with you” and like they aren’t close but they both like pissing Taylor off and giving Luke ulcers so it works well enough

Kirsty absolutely flips her shit when Taylor calls the town meeting about Jess like she tears into him more aggressively than anyone has seen before and basically tells them all to shut the fuck up and “let him at least settle in before you pull out the fucking pitchforks” and goes off on them all for trying to bully a seventeen year old kid out of a town he didn’t even choose to move to and like Luke still gets there and flips his shit too but Kirsty is completely feral calling out the hypocrisy and telling them to get off their high horses and pull their heads out of their asses — like they might not be close but Kirsty is so far beyond pissed at the idea of Taylor calling a meeting literally just to get everyone to hate Jess that she can’t just stand there quietly 

Fast forward a bit and they’re getting along a bit better, Kirsty spends so much time at the diner that she and Jess have taken to talking during Jess’ shifts and Kirsty helps out when she can so they’re starting to actually get along, Kirsty has figured out the tells for when Jess just can’t deal with people anymore and will make up all sorts of excuses to get him a break (anything from ‘hey can you read over this essay’ to ‘hey did you remember to grab that book from upstairs’ to basically anything else that comes to mind) which he appreciates and when he’s on his breaks he sits at the counter to do homework with her

By the Bracebridge dinner they’re like actually friends, and when Jess meets Tristan for the first time he’s fully prepared to hate him but when he sees how shitty Lorelai is being about Tristan he’s just like “okay guess we’re in the same boat” so the three of them end up working together to stay as far away from Lorelai as possible for most of the night and Kirsty is just very grateful for the buffer because like she just can’t deal with Lorelai and Jess remembers her comment on the “you can guess who the favourite is” and starts to see how much Lorelai’s disapproval actually bothers Kirsty

fast forward even more to Christopher coming to town and with Sherry and all that and oof Kirsty is not okay like her relationship with Christopher is terrible and Jess kind of knows this already (based on the fact that Kirsty asked Luke to stand in for her dad at the debutante ball because she wanted nothing to do with Christopher; and he’s heard her bitch about him before) but when Christopher and Sherry come to the house, Kirsty excuses herself for “dance rehearsal” and runs over to the diner and Luke is out at the moment and Kirsty is Not Okay™ and Jess is the one who sees her just standing in the doorway shaking and clearly about to start crying and he just quietly leads her up to the apartment and sits down and lets her sort of collapse on the couch and she tells him about Christopher and about how unreliable and flakey he always was and how Luke has always been more her dad than him and he always shows up and tries to play happy family and then bails as soon as he gets bored or something comes up and about how now he’s apparently changing and becoming mr family man and why wasn’t she worth changing for

and jess has no idea how to handle this whole breakdown because he's a little bit emotionally stunted (which is fair and so is she) but it definitely resonates with him and he ends up sitting next to her and telling her that if Christopher wasn’t willing to change for she and Rory then it’s because of him not her and trying to comfort her even though he really doesn’t know how, and ends up opening up to her about Liz and his life before Stars Hollow too.  It’s more than either of them have shared with anyone before and it’s very strange tbh — at this point they’re definitely veering into the friend category but neither of them would admit it, not to mention they don’t talk that often because neither of them wants to deal with a Lorelai Gilmore Hissy Fit, you know?

(also a sidenote, Tristan is completely chill about literally all of this like he and Kirsty are the healthiest relationship and have very good communication skills now and he's just like “hey I don’t live nearby and Kirsty hates cars, I’m just glad she has someone to talk to”)

and okay so now we’re at the episode where Lorelai accuses Jess of stealing the bracelet and this is just as Kirsty is getting home, and Lorelai is more of a bitch than in canon (but seriously Lorelai grow up and let Dean deal with his own relationship issues ugh) — as Jess is leaving, Kirsty turns around and calls Lorelai out on being an absolute bitch and on the fact that she’s an adult and Jess is seventeen and to grow the fuck up because she’s acting like her mother and believe it or not she doesn’t actually know everything.  Kirsty then sort of storms off, and Jess ends up walking with her and just goes “hey, thanks for that” and Kirsty goes “don’t mention it” and they just sort of laugh and part ways so she can go to Miss Patty’s but anyways I’m soft for Kirsty fighting the entire town for him

then we have the hilarious scene of Kirsty looking Dean in the eye, knowing full well that he literally just saw her getting out of Tristan’s car, and going “yes I’m completely in love with jess is that a problem” and jess going “oh Kirsty I’m really flattered but while you were gone I started talking to Paris and I think I’m in love” and they’re just such little shits I love them

and okay now I promise we’re getting close to the speedrun part of this relationship lmaooo

so Kirsty is the one who ends up tutoring Jess and like he’s not on the verge of flunking because Kirsty has already been forcing him to do his homework semi regularly but he has trouble staying on task (he’s a mood) so Kirsty is basically there to make sure that he gets all of his final projects done — they take a break to go get ice cream and the car accident happens and Kirsty gets injured and she’s having a panic attack and she begs Jess to stay with her so he does, she lies to the hospital staff and tells them that he’s her step-brother so that he can stay with her because she’s afraid of hospitals and doesn’t want to be alone.  He stays with her until they hear Lorelai and then sneaks out the window; at this point Kirsty has finally called him her friend — while high on painkillers and introducing him to Richard and Emily, who she had him call because she knew Lorelai wouldn’t (they like him much better in this !verse than canon because Kirsty knows how to play them lmao)

Lorelai still pitches a fit to Luke and Jess still leaves and jesus christ when Kirsty finds out about all of that she flips her shit even more than she did at the town meeting, calls Lorelai petty and selfish and a shit mother and tells her that she’s more like Emily than she wants to admit, and this is very possibly when Kirsty finally drops one of my favourite lines of hers — “you and Rory might be best friends first and mother daughter second but I never needed a best friend, I needed a mom.  And now I don’t want either.” — and crashes at either Luke’s or Miss Patty’s (and is not thrilled when she finds out that Lorelai called Christopher and that he’s now back and awnting to play dad again)

fast forward and Kirsty knows Jess is in New York but they haven’t talked and Sookie’s wedding happens and Kirsty and Lorelai have their huge fight (this is the other point where that favourite line might happen, I’m torn) and Kirsty packs up and moves to New York for the summer to play Victoria in Cats on Broadway

She gets to New York and she’s staying at a hotel provided by the production company and she’s lonely and miserable and she’s never really been alone before and low and behold she stumbles into some diner on the verge of tears (just a bad day and everything is too much and she’s about to break) when all of a sudden she hears “wow, deja vu.  Coffee?” and she turns around and low and behold it’s Jess Mariano.  She accepts and sits at the diner until his shift is done and then they leave together and catch up and he offers to be her tour guide, and over the next week they become really close (all of both of their coworkers think that they’re siblings at this point) and blah blah lots of details I won’t get into bc seriously how many paragraphs is this thing, but Emily and Richard end up renting Kirsty this huge penthouse apartment and she manages to convince them to let Jess live with her and they become super close and kind of codependent and skip right over the friend stage to the “this is my brother, Jess” stage lmao and basically everyone in stars hollow except for lorelai and rory (bc kirsty and lorelai aren’t talking for most of the summer and rory is in dc so she and kirsty aren’t talking much either) know because they all came out for her opening weekend and everyone thinks it’s hilarious and their new york friends think Luke is their dad bc he called them “my kids” without thinking about it

also Tristan visits as much as he can get away with and seriously he and Jess become really good friends too and they’re just like, an iconic trio okay I love them

fast forward they go back to stars hollow together the day of the summer festival thing and that’s when Lorelai and Rory find out about their friendship and Lorelai is Not Happy and then Tristan shows up and the three of them are being adorable and having a great time and Lorelai flips out and there’s yet another fight (seriously Lorelai pls stop assuming you always know best, you don’t) and the fight is angsty but there’s the softness of jess finally really accepting that Kirsty meant it when she said that things weren’t going to change when they got back to stars hollow and they don’t and it’s just great

and in season 3 they’re just still all soft and codependent and Lorelai is forced to accept that Jess knows Kirsty better than she does and Rory has some really fun “what the actual fuck” moments watching Lorelai & Luke and Kirsty & Jess have the exact same arguments because Kirsty did inherit Lorelai’s ability to annoy people into doing things like participating in town events and season 3 is just very very soft and there are so many scenes/episodes that I’m so excited for

and anyways this was so long and I’m sorry but also I’m not because like i just really love this dynamic and I want to just like skip two seasons and just write new york & season three because i love them so muchhhhhhhh and anyways yeah 

TLDR they’re a slowburn rivals to found family with a speedrun towards the end and i fucking love them so much

[artificialqueens]

Karma is a bitch, Chapter 1 (Multi ship) - Flor

A/n: Olá! I’m your resident ball of stress and anxiety posing as a your average brazilian uni student trying my hand at writing fic in english after literal years writing solely on my mother tongue, how yall doing? Anyway that is just a very long way of saying i can’t promise perfect english and that i’m very nervous and very excited about posting this. There will be a lot of ships and queens so i’m just going to tag them as they appear, thanks and enjoy!

Summary: Manila being in love with her best friend is just proof that Karma is real and getting back at her for laughing at her coworkers and teasing them over their lack of guts to act on their obvious feelings. Surely that’s it, a cruel joke of the universe and something she will get over with time so in meantime she just needs to focus on something that isn’t Raja. Naturally playing cupid is exactly what she needs.

Chapter summary: Raja breaks up with her girlfriend, swears off dating and Manila has a existential crisis, or several, but who is counting anyway?

***

Manila is not a useless lesbian.

Well she is a lesbian. And okay she can be a bit slow and useless in certain circumstances, sometimes hidden jokes and social clues will fly over her head, but it happens with everyone okay, it’s not that big of a deal. But those two characteristics together? No ma’am, Manila considers herself a pretty sharp lesbian, especially since she works with several textbook representations of useless lesbians. Her workplace is filled with useless lesbians.

RuPaul’s Look Race started small and easily lost in the big Los Angeles scenario, a modeling agency born of spite aimed to the outcasts of the fashion world like the founder herself and it quickly won over the hearts of all the models who used to the racism and homophobia of the fashion industry saw themselves drawn to what promised to be a safe accepting spot. With care it grew exponentially in a short space of time attracting not only clients but also employees who failed to check most of the box on privilege, Manila was hired on the third year of existence of the agency and she saw as it grew and grew until they became the name in everyone’s mouth, the first place that LGBT models turned to, expanding its wings until they started to gather to artists in general rather than only models.

They are an one of a kind business, no one does as much as them, no one attends to so many different artists in so many different fronts all at once so of course they are a big deal, especially when you consider how inclusive they are.

It makes for a very livid, very gay, workplace and Manila would not trade it for the world. The longest living unofficial rule of the place is “LGBT+ until proven straight or cis” because she could easily count how many of her coworkers don’t fit under the rainbow. It feels good to be out and proud of her sexuality, her own personal bubble in a world that wasn’t always kind to her. One of the most unexpected consequences of working on the gayest business in America however is the ridiculous amount of pinning she gets to watch unfold before her daily.

Manila can give you examples of actual useless lesbians until you are begging her to stop and she knows as a fact that she is nothing like them, she doesn’t do those things they do, she knows how to flirt and she damn well knows when someone is flirting with her, and more than that she always knows what to do in those situations.

Until now.

Because Raja broke up with her girlfriend and Manila is facing a life crisis where she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

It’s not like this is the first time this has happened, it’s nothing really new to be honest, Manila has know Raja for almost 10 year and she cannot count how many partners her friend had in those, this is far from the first breakup Manila has lived through and at this point she knows their routine by muscle memory alone.

Raja for someone who is actually quite polished and has her life together has quite a problem with keeping a stable relationship for long periods of time, Manila is sure that in those 10 years of friendship the longest relationship lasted a bit more than 2 years, but at the same time Raja is the type of person who doesn’t like being single for too long what may explain everything. 

So Manila is well versed in post-breakup Raja.

She knows that her friend was the one to end it simply because she texted her asking to come over, it’s just one of her things. If her partner was the one to break things off Raja would seek Raven’s company so both of them could curse and complain and Raven in all her sharp tongued abrasive self would point out all the flaws in the ex until Raja felt better about it, they always showed up with killer hangover after those talks but the older woman always looked better and less down after yet another rejection when Raven was done with her.

But when Raja was the one to break it off she always went to Manila because Raven couldn’t see the point in getting sad over something you choose, for good reason, to call off. Manila knew that just because you were the one to pull the plug doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting and sad to see it gone no matter how bad things had become or how better in the long run the decision is.

If she is selfishly honest Manila sorta likes those post breakup hangouts they have, she likes the intimacy and closeness they bring to their friendship. Raja is not shy with her affection but she hardly is the most touchy person either so the younger woman relishes on those nights where Raja will curl her long limbs in her couch touching Manila’s side and resting her head on her shoulder, sometimes playing with her fingers or just holding her hand.

It’s good, Raja always smells like subtle spicy perfume and her skin is soft and impossibly warm at all times. It’s also very normal and very platonic. It’s not like how Katya will take any and every excuse available to touch Trixie even if for a few seconds, hands itching towards her every time they get together to discuss something or just casually talk, the blonde Russian cleaning her schedule for those meetings and pretending no one knows about it.

It’s not like that for Raja and Manila. If Manila rests her own head over Raja’s, well it’s just a comfort thing, and if she takes a deep breath so the other’s perfume is all she can smell, who can blame her? It is a good perfume.

So this time is no different from any other time. Raja shows up at her door, defeated expression looking so out of place in her angular features, Manila ushes her inside and they almost cuddle on the couch while some stupid comedy plays in the background.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She whispers softly even if it’s not necessary.

She feels more than sees Raja sighs.

“Not sober.”

“Gotcha.”

Manila nudges her a bit so she can get up already missing the warmth and rushing to her kitchen so she can find the wine she knows it’s Raja’s favorite. That’s another normal, completely platonic thing Manila does, keeping Raja’s favorite drinks and food around even if she isn’t particularly fond of it herself.

It’s not like she is like Shea who buys or makes tea for Sasha every time she gets coffee for herself, completely unprompted, just so she can have a excuse to go to her and chat for a few moments, smiling dumbly as the Russian smiles that bright kind smile of hers that could melt ice and melts Shea’s heart like butter. It’s not like that because Manila doesn’t go out her way to buy those things or uses them as an excuse to talk to her friend, she just buys it with her own groceries to keep it around if needed, and it’s good to have food your friend likes around right? Especially for moments like this!

Patting herself on the back for being such a prepared friend Manila goes back with two glasses and two bottles of wine feeling like one is not going to be enough. The smile that Raja gives her when she reads the label could make flowers grow. 

She pours them full glasses before sitting back on the couch, Raja automatically curling back into her side and even if her elbow is kinda uncomfortably pressed against her side and her hair is trickling her neck Manila would never make any movement or say anything to make her change positions. They drink in silence, finishing several cups before Raja lets out another long sigh.

“I broke up with her after a date. It just kind of hit me as we were leaving the restaurant that we spent basically the whole meal in silence, she kept looking at her phone and it didn’t bother me at all. We used to turn out our phones during dates.”

“I’m sorry Raj, falling out of love sucks balls but you know it was for the best for the both of you. It wouldn’t be fair to keep going like this, relationships shouldn’t be something you are having out of convenience, and hey now you both are free to find someone new.”

Saying those words leave a sour taste in her mouth, the idea of Raja once again going out on mindless dates with random women, falling in bed with them until one catches her attention enough for her to try yet again to have an actual relationship, is making her heart clench in her chest.

Platonically of course. 

Manila is simply tired of seeing her friend meet dead end after dead end and find herself on her or Raven’s couch drinking away the pain. It’s not like there is any hidden motive for that feeling, Manila knows herself, knows her own heart, if there was anything more than best friend concern she would surely know. It’s probably not different from what Jujubee and Raven feel for each other.

“It’s the same thing every fucking time Nila, it doesn’t matter if I’m the one dumping or the one dumped the reason is always the same we just fall out of love, for fucks sake why can’t i get regular messy breakups once in a while? Why can’t I get cheated on?”

“Why exactly would you want to get cheated on? I, just like every normal person, prefer clean breakups but you seem to think they are overrated.”

“Like you are anywhere near being normal Miss Pineapple Dress for a Fancy Work Party” Raja laughs lightly, Manila feeling it with her body

“That dress was fucking awesome and i will not be shamed for being a fashion icon ahead of my own time.”

“Whatever you say” The fond amusement in the taller woman makes her smile wider, allowing herself to relax even more against the warm body

“You still didn’t answer why somehow getting cheated on would be better than a nice clean breakup.”

“Because then i could explain why it happened, I could get mad at someone else because it wouldn’t be my fault.” Raja’s voice is softer than it was the whole night, barely over a whisper “You know why i got dumped last time? Because she said i was never really there, that i never allowed her to actually know me.”

Automatically and uncaring about the awkwardness of the position Manila throws her arms around Raja hating the way her voice sounds and hating the words even more. Maybe she is biased, maybe she isn’t really trying to put herself in the ex girlfriends shoes, but she just can’t phantom why anyone would say that about Raja of all people.

Her best friend is intense in all the best ways, she puts herself into everything she does to the point someone will eventually have to drag her away from her projects, she may look unapproachable and regal with her beautiful features and high fashion clothes but she is one of the biggest dorks Manila knows, full of passion and bad jokes. And yes she is a bit hard to know, it takes time to take her down her walls and see beyond the carefully crafted poise and sharp words, but she is worth every minute spent trying.

“And i guess she was right, i guess i do this all the time because it’s the same thing now, someone falling out of love with me because i wasn’t giving them enough. Maybe I’m just not meant for this.”

“This?” Manila tightens her arms around Raja like she is trying to squeeze that resigned tone away

“Love, relationships, the whole nine yards. Meaningless one night stands are clearly more of my thing since they are the one thing I can successfully manage.”

“That’s not true! You of all people shouldn’t be selling yourself this short you big idiot, you are amazing and people should be lucky to have a shot with you. You just haven’t found the right person yet.”

“Are you taking life advice from those stupid romcoms Vanessa is obsessed with? Because it sounds like it.” Her words lack the necessary bite to sound like a insult even if she snorts disbelieving and Manila slaps her chest without breaking the hug

“Okay edgy lord maybe you should watch one of those and lift your spirit because this talk is not like you at all.” 

She goes for a joking tone, poking Raja again but is glad the older woman can’t see her face and the way her brows are furrowed. This is new. Unfamiliar and uncomfortable in a way that those post breakups encounters never were, not even in the beginning of their friendship where Manila was still testing the waters and what worked with her friend. Raja was always sad, though she only cried twice in 10 years, and her smiles never quite reached her eyes even if they softened a little when Manila said something funny or ridiculous, but never like this, never truly defeated in this raw way. Raja hardly ever gets this low in her self esteem anymore and never about her love life and the fact that she is, is throwing Manila out of her loop, this is new territory.

“Maybe I should take a page out of Violet’s book and just give dating up altogether, she is young but is clearly into something.”

“Really? Because as far as i know if Violet wasn’t so open about how anti dating she is then either Pearl or Max would have totally already made a move and we wouldn’t have to watch them dancing around each other like that.”

“But that’s the thing, the problem with Violet doing it is that someone is in love with her and I think we have established that no one is in love with me.” And before Manila can say the obvious Raja beats her to it “And i don’t think anyone ever will.”

I am.

The thought almost makes its way out of her mouth before Manila stops herself, biting her tongue so hard she can taste blood.

It comes out of nowhere and everywhere at the same time, a certain that just overtakes her body and sets on her bones like it belongs there, like it was just laying under the superficie waiting to make itself known. Her breath catches on her throat and she must make some sort of chocked sound because Raja cranks her neck to look at her, sad eyes and soft smile making Manila want to scream.

“It’s okay Nila, don’t take me too seriously, I had a couple of shots before coming here so I’m just being drunk.”

Manila just nods, words stuck in her throat in fear of what will come out if she let them out, Raja sighs again and even in normal circumstances her words would not make the younger woman less worried, the excuse of drunkness not erasing the self deprecating voice and sad tired eyes, but now they just make her heart ache even more.

God. 

This is fucked up.

Fucked up and so, so right. 

Of course she is in love with Raja, of course there is nothing really platonic in a lot of her actions, in the way something ugly and heavy curls inside of her when Raja gets another girlfriend, in the way that her chest feel warm when Raja smiles at her in delight, how her laugh can light up her day, how her hugs can make the bad days look less dark, how having her arms around her feels good, how warm she feels in the places they are touching.

Manila thanks whatever deity is watching her that the realization stucks her when Raja is already drunk and half asleep, curling even more on the couch, letting her weight rests fully against Manila as her breathing gets deeper, and that she didn’t decide to lay down facing her because Manila doesn’t know how she would hide her reaction.

Karma is definitely a bitch she decides almost hysterically as her bitten tongue slowly stops bleeding.

This is karma for laughing at her friends, she is sure it is, what else can explain the universe punishing her with this? With those feelings? Clearly she cracked one too many jokes about Crystal and Gigi being oblivious, or rolled her eyes too much when watching Shea and Sasha, or Trixie and Katya, or maybe she snickered too loudly watching Vanjie and Brooke or maybe she gave Jinkx shit romantic advice or something she can’t even remember. Maybe, she muses, it’s a combination, all those little things piling up until karma decided to get her for them all at once and landed her in this mess.

She is in love with Raja.

Wonderful, clever, talented, beautiful Raja who struggles to maintain meaningful romantic relationships.

Raja who is one of her best friends. One who basically decided to give up dating 10 minutes ago.

What the fuck Manila is supposed to do now?

~~~~~~~~

Manila decides after a bad sleep night in an uncomfortable position in her not so soft couch that the best course of action is doing nothing.

She needs… She needs time to process this sudden epiphany, to analyze their interactions and her actions and try to pinpoint when exactly platonic friendship transformed itself into something she never expected or intended to, something she is too afraid to name. Gather her thoughts and her emotions in a more organized way than the panic and confusion of last night.

She also needs time for Raja to get over the breakup, again this is a familiar scenario and Manila knows what will happen, has watched as her friend tried to drown herself into work until the sting of another failed relationship disappeared multiple times and understand that is the worst possible moment to try to act on those…. feelings. If, and that is a big gigantic if, Raja takes her mind away from fashion for one second to seriously consider Manila’s hypothetical words there is the risk of being a rebound fuck, a distraction.

Manila is not sure of many things about those feelings but one that she knows with clarity is that she doesn’t want to be a one night stand, a band aid to help with loneliness, Manila is not that girl who will let herself be used as a mean to something else, she has more self love than that. She wants the real thing, the full experience. If she can’t have that she will not settle for scraps, her heart is not strong enough to deal with that.

So when her alarm blasts, too soon she laments as her eyelids seem to be glued shut and her brain protests that she sleep too little and too badly, she is relieved Raja choose to end things in a Sunday because that means Manila will have work to distract her mind and stop her from spending a day long pity party overthinking all her feelings like a lunatic. 

At least she hopes so.

Raja is already up and moving around in the kitchen by the time Manila drags her body away from the couch feeling places she didn’t know could hurt screaming in protest. Shit, she needs a better couch, she feels bad for letting her friends sleep in that now. The dark haired woman makes her way to the kitchen and is not prepared to have the air sucked out of her chest by the vision in front of her.

It’s ridiculous. It’s not something new, some groundbreaking scenario that she never got to witness, some hidden part of Raja that she didn’t know existed. It’s ordinary, familiar in a way that makes her insides all warm and fuzzy and that’s the problem.

It’s familiar, it’s domestic.

There is something in the way that Raja moves around her small kitchen making toast and sipping coffee from a bright yellow mug, clearly fresh showered with her hair still damp, not even pausing to think where things are or what ingredients Manila will have that is so right. It feels right to have her there, so comfortable and at peace in a place Manila considers so intimate, so personal. Raja looks at home and the domesticity of it makes something in Manila ache.

This is what she wants, she realizes, to wake up and find Raja sipping coffee or to wake first and make her something to eat or to spend a lazy morning together.

“Good morning sleepy head.” Raja says when she realizes Manila is there snapping the other back to reality “You know seeing how late you set your alarm I can totally understand how you are always late.”

“My alarm is set at the perfect time, it’s not my fault LA’s traffic is more unstable than Gia Gun’s eyelashes.” The answer comes easily and she thanks a higher power that she can act like a actual human around Raja

“Well maybe that’s a sign that you should set it earlier, it wouldn’t kill to arrive earlier in the good days.”

“And how would you know? I don’t think you even know your actual work hours anymore.”

“Raven told me” Raja smiles cheekily, sipping from her mug to hide it “Want me to make you some toast while you get ready?”

“Sure”

She says and does her best to not look like she is bolting the fastest she can because while it’s the truth it doesn’t mean she wants Raja to realize it. It’s the domesticy again, the easiness and calm that comes with having Raja there offering to make fucking toast like she belongs in her home.

Manila lets her forehead rest against the shower wall as the water falls on her back trying to get her shit together before she faces her best friend and new found love again. She will not freak out, she will not over analyze shit or stare like some sort of lovesick fool with no self control.

She is a grown up woman and she knows how to behave when she is attracted to someone.

At least that is what she tells herself and what she fails to do almost instantly. Because as Manila dresses herself she can’t stop thinking about the fact that Raja has clothes at her place. Clothes. And Manila has clothes at Raja’s place as well and that’s… that’s not really a really platonic thing is it? Manila doesn’t have a drawer full of her things in her parent’s house for fucks sake. 

This is karma she swears to herself, this is karma for laughing at poor airheads Crystal and Gigi for being oblivious, this is the universe getting back at her and making her the stereotypical useless lesbian who doesn’t even really she is in love and practically dating her best friend.

But at the same time she can’t help but wonder if that means something as big as she thinks. So they have clothes at each other’s houses and Manila doesn’t do that with anyone else, but what if that’s something regular with Raja? Does she leave things in Raven’s or Delta’s houses too? Is that something special they share or it’s just one of those Raja things that make Manila smile fondly when she thinks no one is watching?

Fuck, Manila is really turning into one of those people. She makes a sound of frustration in her chosen shirt, pressing the fabric to her face and trying to block everything but the pleasant smell of the shirt and take a few deep breaths to again get her shit together.

When she finally finishes her makeup and makes her way back to the kitchen she is ready to face the day and suppress her feelings like a normal woman. 

Things go smoothly after that and Manila shots down the voice in her mind whispering that that is a good sign, they eat among small talk and Raja mentions her breakup only once when she mentions her ex will go pick her things when she’s at work and she’s relieved they will not have to have another face to face conversation, Manila holds her hand and squeeze giving Raja her best comforting smile not letting go until the smile she gets in answer doesn’t look fabricated.

On the way to work their topic of conversation changes as they begin discussing their agendas for the day trying to squeeze a joint break. They don’t have many reasons to interact during work hours, Raja, along with Bianca, run their fashion department dealing with clothing most of their non model clients while Manila works exactly with the modeling section of the business and since both are high up on the hierarchy there is really not much leeway to go hang out at each other side of the building, having to settle for lunch wherever work allows them to leave at the same time.

“You want to go to that new Italian place down the block?” Manila asks as they get close enough to see their workplace towering among others

“Rain check.” Raja says as she twists her thick hair in a bun that somehow manages to look elegant rather than messy “Willam got a show coming up and i have to meet her to brainstorm concepts for the looks.”

“Oh… we can go after you finish?”

“We are meeting for lunch actually.”

“Right…” Manila kicks herself as soon as the word leaves her mouth, her disappointment so thick she can almost taste it and it’s fucking ridiculous

“We can go tomorrow if you like?”

“Maybe, we have a photoshoot tomorrow but it looks like Dahlia is sick and if she can’t make it i need to be there to find a quick replacement.” Ugh sometimes being the official problem solver sucks

“That’s okay we can just try again another day.” Raja smiles at her then, all white teeth and soft eyes, and her hand rests on her shoulder as if she can sense that Manila is unhappy

And maybe she can because if her face is showing half of what she is feeling then Manila is officially looking like a pooting teenager and that is not a flattering look on someone her age. Again she feels like screaming because the universe is clearly trying to rub her face in her own obliviousness about her own feelings, again this is not new, there were times they had to cancel lunch plans when the other was already seated because something urgent came up, and neither is the disappointment and mildly annoyance in her chest when she realizes she will have to spend a day without sharing a part of her day with Raja, but now, now that she is painfully aware of the exact nature of her feelings there is another layer to that disappointment that she was unaware of and doesn’t really like.

It doesn’t help that it’s Willam that Raja is going to meet.

Don’t get her wrong, Willam may be a diva and a pain in the ass, the cause of many tears on their PR department because of her crude and biting humour, but she is not the worst client they ever had and once you get used to her particular brand of vulgarity there is a lot of fun to have with her. But Willam is, above everything, a self proclaimed slut.

There is an ongoing joke that the reason she gets so many gigs as an actress in crime shows is because she doesn’t really have to act as a prostitute or young slut, she just has to be herself. Willam is very confident and very comfortable in her sexuality and Manila is actually impressed with that, she really is, but that doesn’t mean that she wants that energy around post breakup Raja right after Manila discovered she has more than platonic feelings for her.

It’s a receipt for disaster, well, actually it’s receipt for sex what in her books are exactly the same thing.

She forces that stupidity down as hard as she can. There is pinning and then there is suffering for imagining your… crush having sex with someone else and Manila is not going to be that person, she really isn’t. The younger woman sighs quietly and grips the steering wheel glad that Raja is too busy dealing with loose strands of hair to pay attention to her reactions.

“If i’m free tomorrow i will shoot you a text” She says going for a smile

“Great! I will keep my agenda free then.”

Manila’s heart totally doesn’t skip a beat.

She is so fucked.

[404fmdminjung]

creative claims — blueming

summary: written during the course of promotions for loveforclosure. she finds one sense of home in the fans, writes a song to the people that shower her with love. (basically coming off a high of a well-received comeback). warnings: none wc: 1906 (not including lyrics)

in retrospect, time changes a lot of things.

a year prior, and a flop of a song — the signs all pointing straight towards the shackles of gold star’s dungeon. now, they’ve shined her up. polished the record out for the masses, and the pour of public love in the horizon. no longer a flop, the rough and jagged edges of each comment to tear her apart and strip her semblance piece by piece become softened, blurred at the lines. angry voices poured at the expensive of fingers tapping against the keyboard with the anonymous faces now refreshed and shifted towards positive praise, comments statured with hearts and support.

how do you handle the sudden 180 when your heart also falters, and teeters towards the change of pace?

minjung surely doesn’t know. doesn’t know how to cope, so her hands remain on the edges of her notebook, one hand out pulling the pages apart inside a moving van that takes her to the first schedule of promotions.

blue. she jots that down quickly, let’s the dips in the road add character to each crooked line scrawled on the stage. blue used to be synonymous with dreary melancholy, strapped down to the midnight dreariness of a city that never sleeps. she painted herself blue once, downed by the ridicule of modern day public execution via the comments. now, she blooms.

-

stages after the first two become easier. synonymous with echoes and the small trinkets and packages of gifts given when she hops back into the guise of privacy, into the van. she’s back at stage one, notebook in pocket, phone in hand.

she remembers the first few instances hopping into a kakao chat dedicated to her —  even manages to get kicked off a few times before staying on, and hearing the outpour of cheer and love dedicated. 

when she gets off, says her goodbyes, she realizes one thing’s changed: her heart blooms, softens with each message sent. enough to stir the grin across her cheeks when her smile hangs steady with eyes that gleam over the page written ‘blue’.

it’s an uncanny feeling, feeling filled more to the tips of the brim with each passing day — a feeling novel, something she still can’t handle whole.

what i said what’s up i really meant i miss you.

all along, the missing shade of blue she’s forgotten on the canvas layered and layer, is love around. memories wiped from a missing skeleton of her pass, and she fails to realize — the love settled around, is the one she’s neglected to see for more than face value till now.

in each and every emoji my subtle feelings keep changing, i wonder if you know

she recollects the past five minutes on her phone in the group chat, the small tidbits of surprise now caked onto a revelation. her monotone speech patterns and quick sent texts, subjugated to a more personalized form as the seconds tick on. busyness, fatigue. it’s all an empty excuse when her heart flutters with a tinge upward, thoughts of fans now filling the crevices of her fragmented heart.

insomnia, lack of sleep. she’s running on two hours bustling from one schedule to the next. but seo minjung has never followed the textbook rules of what to feel and at what time. she’s an outsider looking in, going against the force and the nature of tides pushing one way to another. because where fatigue should rest heavy on her shoulders, now — she’s no longer drowning. instead, stepping higher into the clouds like stargirl. girl with a light heart, and now she’s drunk with a scent of resolution.

i’m making roses blossom with my thumb i think i’m getting drunk with the scent it’s in our own secret garden.

-

the high doesn’t wind down as schedules persist. instead, each day she’s met with the feelings of a hurricane. ripped from her roots, heart fleshed open when the smile no longer seizes itself faux, but as a token of genuine ties each time she sits down, resorts back to the words compiling on the page.

this song’s for them. the lyrics, each one in a one-on-one head-first conversation. ideation that perhaps, this becomes a fleeting moment. a transient piece where they’re sitting at top of the climax before it all topples over, downward straight to hell. but she’s not a worrier, doesn’t bother looking back.

(for once, she chooses to relish this moment right here).

i feel bloom, i’m sending you one more flower updating you with my all-nighter work the author of this interesting piece of work, that’s me maybe this is the climax of the relationship

the nip of her pen glides freely against the page, her own welcome to her headspace. no beat, no notes in mind. rather, it’s the diary that opens up the beginnings of what’s right in her heart now.

—

there’s an itch under her skin — one rarely ignored. it comes at a pang to her gut, knocks the sleepless night right into her, prompting her to make a beeline towards the makeshift studio in her apartment.

here and there, she tries to think of a tune. a slow pull of languid minors, layering on the heaviness of desolation in navy’s. she doesn’t want that, least not a ballad coming off the tails of another — she scraps that, saves the file and backlogs it for another day. then comes the juxtaposition of jazzy facts, the strong isolation of saxophones and trombones — a drop in a rough beat, painting the song a vibrant cobalt. it’s one worth dancing to, boppy tunes to wreck havoc on a stage. still, it renders itself useless by the time she shoves that rendition straight to the trash can.

no notes in any sort of transition, instead she finds solace on the guitar she hasn’t touched in a near two months. it hangs, lingers on like a presence in the room — she makes a note, guitar. scribbled at the top of her page before ushering herself back to the confines of her bed.

-

a day off, and the song resurrects itself through the guitar nestled in her arms. she strums herself a chord in a minor, a major — finds the three notes, clamored down to the cacophony of something bright. still, decides it remains a stretch to keep it with too much embellishment. instead, she plucks the notes apart from each other — one by one, f into c. c into e, hitting a baseline at g.

at this point, it drops the seedlings to something promising and light. the shade of periwinkle she’s envisioned all along — it’s light to touch, easy to the ears. breathless in a come-and-dance with me switch. minjung repeats the plucking, one by one, till the solidification of the notes come full circle once the record button presses and her voice hums along to the melody etched in-between.

it starts at an easy lull before she paves way with the full-on start of the chords all at once by the time the chorus hits. two chords, a pause. then the entrance of the next two in repeat — at this point, it’s no longer and algorithm of what makes the numbers on the chart or a fragment of herself embodied into a play. instead, it’s the drive of having fun, enjoying each second put into the process.

(trust the process, nobody ever said it was going to be easy).

it sounds digital by the time she puts the first line of guitar work down. the recordings now becoming repetitive, one after another — a simple base in bare bones, nothing flashy or a change in the tempo. it all charges steadily, following expectations of the song’s natural rhythm.

her mouse clicks around and by now, it’s the addition of the percussion. the simple add-on to where she imagines the first verse tuning in — the deep percussion adds a depth to the periwinkle, the wrinkles of something more saturated, less fluttery. 

the essence of the song’s been fluttery heartbeats. the intangible things unspoken from her to the fans, and for now — she makes her mark by saving the file, setting aside for another day with her arms stretched out, enough for the yawn to escape in broad daylight.

no makeup, sitting inside some rugged sweats and a t-shirt. (this feels like the first in a long time where home’s presented a new look).

-

by the time she resorts back, it’s the end of promotions — free days shifted in between preparations for fuse’s next comeback. her heart’s no where near hands-up, long far with her cold shoulder response becoming synonymous with the lackluster dead-eyed expression for a mind that’s been humming hte melody to the song written in the books.

her own sense of peace, and her piece of privacy. solo work, now trumping and reigning on top of anything else presented to her.

she’s thought about it all day — the backing vocals, the ad-libs. where to start, and where to end. by the time she finds herself situated in front of her screen, her notebook sprawled out and jaded eyes that click around to the record. she starts with the ah-ah-ah’s, the makeshift forced rhymes that fall at the end of each verse. tunes her voice back in for the lulls of simple humming.

yet, by the time she sits down, plays back the puzzle pieces of what’s the marred total composition on her screen, she furrows her brow. bites down on her lip, pen in hand. the end of the pen taps on the surface of her desk, mind still buried inside the missing facet. imagination and creativity doesn’t spur when you want it to — it’s once again the process and the clicks of the mouse transitioning one type, to another.

seo minjung settles on the synth and the slow paced transitioning of warping her voice to an electronic belt. like stereo noise, it thins out where she wants it to be. almost muting it down to a subtle pull, a settled flesh of a song that makes her hear from the next room over. her mouth furls into a grin, a toothy grin saved for instances like these.

because what this song isn’t a piece of her anymore. nor a recollection of heartbreak on repeat.

instead, it’s fruitful, light and airy. like she’s floating on a cloud, far far away with her hands reached far apart, slotted to the love the fans boost her on. whether they’re a mirage of fusions or the few that brand themselves as a heart only filled by hear — she doesn’t care. it’s all an ode to them at this point.

no longer hiding behind her cowardice, wallowing around in the has-beens and the what-ifs of a play by play scenario. this time, this song goes out to a crowd that helped her remain stationed and whole, billowing with the calm sense of comfort.

comfort comes in many ways, home defines itself new each time.

only, this time she doesn’t sway from one new cloud or another pillar of stability. she’s still a nomad, wandering from one welcoming house to the next, filled with the fireplace of warmth and a comfortable meal. whatever food they home, they offer. she accepts — home’s a place where you define it. right now, seo minjung defines home with where the people are, wrapped up in open arms and a belonging.

whether she’s the ballader on stage. the travesty walking on yesterday’s heartbreak or the dancing diva in haphazard movements —they’ve accepted her for what she leaves at face value. the songs weren’t meant to soothe wounds or an album to flesh out the bad — it was an attempt at closure. and what she got in return, is the closure she least expected.

[aph1wonderland]

Achilles Come Down(Songfic)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_V76Dm42bY

(by Gangs Of Youths) Happy late birthday Kay {1/11}]

Achilles

Achilles

Achilles come down, won't you

Get up off

Get up off the roof?

She heard stories, how people get visions blessed by archons, when they know they have lost something dear to them. It's selfish for her to claim she has so much, but how can she bare face with the honorless daughter who selfishly granted a wish to her desperate mother? To be given freedom, but at what cost? The obedient daughter can no longer learn because her household refused her to excel in her gifts they sold her.

You're scaring us

And all of us

Some of us love you

Achilles, it's not much but there's proof

She could only acknowledge the sacrifices of her mother’s paranoia and insanity driving her to act out of her driven mind. Forced to push her first daughter gifted to leave the nest before the danger of a curse to seal her away. What a feeling she learned when fought as a child, not entirely understanding why her fragile and injured mother could dare teach her violent arts of breaking bones. No matter what she could with the trait passed down to obey like she did, the inhuman strength was supposed to be her brother’s. Was she supposed to be a man, or play a coward of a woman like she was last time she saw her.

You crazy assed cosmonaut

Remember your virtue

Redemption lies plainly in truth

Perhaps it was insane to teach her child to fight and out of turn for her to act this way on the day she was supposed to depart away to Fontaine.  To run, a virtue truly from her heart, passion but plainly she didn’t know how to fly by herself if she nested warmly alone in her noble home. But maybe it was a better hesitation than she thought distracted by the differences of Liyue Harbor the sounds, the unknown to the factors of cultures shifted from them and herself. 

Just humour us

Achilles

Achilles come down

Won't you get up off

Get up off the roof

She was bringing too much attention to herself. A distraction to few of the many bustling crowds, it did not help if she was holding her vision from Inazuma. The crafted origin of her homelands if only it was possible to cover it up, but she cannot do anything to god blessed item. Afraid to break such a glorified object that could possibly bring her even more fear brought among her. She could not say much but the expensive silks of her layers of clothing on her and mora tied as the side of her sash. Perhaps this was a better choice to exchange for more temporary stability.

Achilles

Achilles

Achilles come down, won't you

Get up off

Get up off the roof?

Parting for her meticulous layers, as if she felt bare to foreign weather. It was an uncommonly shifted need to adapt. To live is to survive the world that felt dangerous in the as if shores she arrived at the port, soaking her soles. As the hydro element felt attuned as she gazed over it, perhaps she mistaken it for cryo for a few seconds. The newly acquired clothing felt perhaps embarrassing to be seen wearing it, but it must be done. Exposing skin could throw them off of her, needing eyes to attend too afforded a pair of glasses to wear. No longer blinded and blurred by the setback. 

The self is not so weightless

Nor whole and unbroken

Remember the pact of our youth

She planned back to see the village of her mother, in which she thought would be best to rely on them for a settlement. As quick she wanted to live again, the feeling of the forest life once again she’ll dearly make it possible to work away her favor and honor. The face of her selfish wish from her mother’s demands, for once she’ll do her justice in living in the truth then the lie. She was the selfish one in the end to drink the god’s gift in the journey of living outside the box.

Where you go

I'm going

So jump and I'm jumping

Since there is no me without you

The hardest part was truly talking to the leader of the community of Qingce Village. Basic knowledge of contract is the word of the old in Liyue, for that it must be fair to do so as a way to be accepted. As long as she can work what she can there’ll be no one to stop her from becoming something unexpected. Perhaps if she’ll survive the jump she’s making herself take, someday she’ll see her mother smile once more. One day she will not need to hear rumors of the walls that could speak about her siblings and the warmth of the sun not the gaze of cold expectations.

Soldier on

Achilles

Achilles come down

Won't you get up off

Get up off the roof?

As if her eyes hesitated at the time she heard from the old woman, she warmly laughed off her noble character she played. She felt warm, her own layer of her mask cracking and her face wrinkling in confusion. Perhaps one day she’ll understand why she left, accepted into the community and warm tears to the location to her new home. Gazing at the moon and the stars  among the indigo sky, on the roof. Feeling alone at the end of the ledge wondering why does she feel this sadness?

Loathe the way they light candles in Rome

But love the sweet air of the votives

Hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone

Engage with the pain as a motive

It had been an additional two years she had hesitated a few times to work her way into the community  once again, when the old woman told her to visit the night of the lantern festival and live a bit. Scolding her for something as tedious as working too much for others and not herself. She wishes to stay, tending her home, to the children in the village. Listen over to the elderly and middle aged for things to do, when she returns from the commissions in the early morning before. She could not see herself anymore as a woman who could stand sitting looking beautiful in wealth in silken in silence without someone or a book in hand. Yet here she is fidgeting to do something in Liyue Harbor, gazing at the port away from the festivity waiting for it to end. Hands shaking over the candle lights, flashing sounds of fireworks behind her. 

Today of all days

See

Leaning against the stone fencing far away from the peaceful cold tones wondering about Inazuma. Her 2nd younger sister, Kaori was already sent to Fontaine after her brother 3rd youngest Daichi was prepared. Who knows where, but hope the best for him. That his wife would not stop him from doing what he loved in the end. Becoming an alchemist and a doctor, something she felt taken from her life however perhaps this is the exchange of her natural build taking away his inhuman strength. She loved every single child born in that house. Chie, she has yet to entirely meet, but she must have been close to a mischievous child she was when she was younger running in the fields. Last time she remembered from her nanny telling her before sending her off from the interception of her mother that week she fled.

How the most dangerous thing is to love

How you will heal and you'll rise above

Thinking about it now she was alone on the side of this world, the chills returned. It felt suffocating and an uncomfortable delusion to find herself drowning in the sea of doubt. The constellation of her verse was a siren, or a mermaid. They long and lost their dreams and here she was living the dream not of hers but someone else's, what could she say now but choke back the mourning not of death but the new life given to her. Perhaps she’ll love the gods for this life for hers, the opportunities to breath in the beauty of Liyue. Live for the virtues of Justice, but for now she shall wait for the day to be taken back home, not alone but with others in strength. 

Achilles

Achilles

Achilles

Jump now

You are absent of cause

Or excuse

She flinched when she turned to look to the side to see a tall man, he was beautiful. Awed at the sight of the strangely encapsulating man who was glowing entrancingly from the lights and the moon as well. Mostly his vision of his eyes from the mid ranged distance, she panicked once again when he caught her staring. Flustered in beyond her life had she met a man who made her feel so out of place. He was confused why she suddenly looked away, “Miss? Perhaps you are a traveler? Considering I have yet to see you before in this country? Have finished experiencing the festival in Liyue?” She froze, right the festival that is taking place right now. Was she dreading for so long to not realize the time?

So self-indulgent

And self-referential

No audience could ever want you

One thing is for sure she was embarrassed herself once again, no way to correct the fact she had nothing to tell this man to answer that. “Perhaps you are asking for an introduction from a stranger like myself, but it does not seem fair if you do not return the favor first. In all honesty I did not partake in the event, I tend to busy myself too much in working around Liyue as an Adventurer from the guild. Well I don’t know how to experience these events. It’s best for me not to attend and perhaps ruin it all. Good night Sir.” She shouldn’t bother this man at all, leaving was the only thing on her mind.

You crave the applause

Yet hate the attention

Then miss it, your act is a ruse

“Would it be possible for me to guide you through the festival? Of course I am Zhongli of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, a consultant, may I ask for the name of your Miss?” She stopped, “I would not mind if you were to show me the knowledge of yours of your beloved Liyue. I am Kay of Haru, please do not mind my hesitancy and not honor among me to be called anything as Miss. Kay is enough for me to be called in such a fluency.” Returning a feeble gaze up to him, taking him as her guide for that night to return alive that day. 

It is empty, Achilles

So end it all now

It's a pointless resistance

For you

Achilles

Achilles

Just put down the bottle

Don't listen to what you've consumed

Open to opportunities and refreshed and ready to work her life for another day to look for Mister Zhongli had inspired her to take on learning the world the best she can starting with Liyue. From the whole trip listening to him speak the loveliest tunes of a tone, enchanted possibly. Yet she began to notice how little time she spent on her commissions in which she decided to ask Katherine in a few hours for more things to do. In which she began to enjoy the thrill of control she realized of her life envirgated by the thought itself grew her confidence and growth in her skills. Passing 5 years had affected her bond with Mister Zhongli to increase in size on her personal affections to his personal side of feelings towards simple things in life. Someone who could answer her curiosities in the best way they could and confide, not once thought about leaving the country of Liyue.

It's chaos, confusion

And wholly unworthy

Of feeding and it's wholly untrue

Yet with few time he found her as often as he could in Liyue in finding her in returning to Katherine filing in the many commissions built as she carried on her shoulders. He gave her glaze lilies on her birthday each year, not sure how he knew, but perhaps the old woman told him. Cooking was one her specialties in which she began collecting recipes after trying to find a way to return back to Mister Zhongli to acknowledge his distaste in seafood as a reminder. Perhaps he was too addicting to let go, however was that alright to call him something close to a friend. Would that be alright with him?

You may feel no purpose

Nor a point for existing

It's all just conjecture and gloom

Yet she would miss him as much as she thought when Childe took on his arrival. Perhaps the fact alone that she took on now is the gnawing hunger, she was childish to share a desire of hers with him. Considering the truth, he always found her and never the other way around. She did not see him that much anymore, feeling like a distant memory that returns every week he does. Never once complained for the fact she enjoyed his company, for the returning fact, she was lonely.

And there may not be meaning

So find one and seize it

Do not waste your self on this roof

Perhaps for once a longing will not leave her and let her stay on the roof of her home given to her and the children of those who breathed in this village. The moon was always lucky to know it was never alone, possibilities of her insecurities to eat her. Was she not worthy to know the fact she is not considered in the spotlight, but entirely on being known? Still he gave her glaze lilies on her birthday.

Hear those bells ring deep in the soul

Chiming away for a moment

Feel your breath course frankly below

See life as a worthy opponent

Driven to bite back the petty thieves in Liyue with her strength reporting to the adventurer’s guild and stealing treasures and effort from others. She did not like them, she made sure to take note of base locations from each leader she fought, monsters she battled and planned meticulously in a clean beat down. Same old same old, spending Mora on things she could think of. To one she could tend to a bird; Kyu a loving bird with a blank expression but a silent affectionate one in the end of it all, who carries packages and wordless secrets of her loneliness. Perhaps her own feelings she can express is what tearing her apart over and over again. Life was hers to learn more of as her commissions made her wander to Monstadt’s region but never once thought about entering into the city of freedom.

Today of all days

See

How the most dangerous thing is to love

How you will heal and you'll rise above

Crowned by an overture bold and beyond

Ah, it's more courageous to overcome

She faced Childe in a confrontation when Mister Zhongli brought him over for dinner that week at her home. Why did it take a year for her to finally meet Childe, Mister Zhongli? She frowned, but bonded slowly with Childe, he was pretty sketchy around her, but nonetheless she wasn’t alone if Childe actually had something to confide with family. Considering they had similar visions from the same values of Justice but different archons blessed. He gave white lies with reason, sometimes it was cruel to keep to himself. While Kay herself was one who hesitates but nevertheless her strength is for the good reasons that are proven. Yet even the harder things get she won’t give in so easily she rather die fighting for things that are right, failing to do so does not mean she’ll stop. The moment she’ll stop if she dies breathing blood. Perhaps that’s why she talks with him often, even that does not satisfy her.

You want the acclaim

The mother of mothers (it's not worth it Achilles)

More poignant than fame

Or the taste of another (don't listen Achilles)

But be real and just jump

You dense motherf*cker (you're worth more, Achilles)

You will not be more

Than a rat in the gutter (so much more than a rat)

You want my opinion (no one asked your opinion)

My opinion you've got

You asked for my counsel (no one asked for your thoughts)

I gave you my thoughts

Be done with this now

And jump off the roof

Can you hear me Achilles?

Mister Zhongli lowered his visits to her compared to Childe who was able to find him whenever he needed to talk to him. However another person, the traveler, arrived in Liyue a few weeks ago. However Mister Zhongli had briefly mentioned her if they needed any assistance. Not sure how to feel if he was using her, unsure if their bond would be truly mended and here she was letting him into her own heart every time he came. Why does she hesitate when it comes to him? Someone who could destroy all her defenses and weaken her to the point she doesn’t help but stutter. She’s not sure if Mister Zhongli realizes as she doesn’t entirely, she is hurting. She is selfish to continue this cycle she let herself eat till he leaves her. This is not entirely healthy, she’s disgusted to look how encapsulated when it comes to him. Perhaps it’s better to give up before it ruins her, she thought. She’s selfish to think he would see her again. Does this mean she’s drowning by the sea  with no shores for her to rely on.

I'm talking to you

I'm talking to you

I'm talking to you

I'm talking to you

Achilles come down

Achilles come down

“Kay.” She stood by the cliffs and turned around to see Mister Zhongli with the Traveler. She is confused yet a bit sad by her own thoughts of self pity. “Mister Zhongli. It’s been too long hasn’t it?” The Traveler worriedly looked in between them. “Hello dear Traveler, I hope you’ve been well, I hope I did well to help you in Liyue.” She ignored the fact Zhongli was about to respond to her, but ended letting him continue since the Traveler nudged him to do so. “I apologize, if I left you too much in the dark. Perhaps we could mend for a few moments with a story to tell. I will confess the fact I was not honest in my reasons for disappearing too much.” Her eyes conflicted, whether or not he was truly speaking his mind, but knowing him for years regardless of his disappearance. She sighs, bitterly but allowing his invitation to tell about the salt goddess that late evening. 

Throw yourself into the unknown

With pace and a fury defiant

Clothe yourself in beauty untold

And see life as a means to a triumph

Today of all days

See

One thing she could even do was not judge him, but comfort him as a human like she was born to do. Sure she was angry, but nothing could compare over the immortal and emotional wounds that cut deeply over time and left a swollen temperament of a situation. She cannot help but relate once again leaving her fragile over the fact she wasn’t smart enough to understand him, but connect through the empathic nature she was. In the end she knew she'd join the Traveler to Inazuma to finish her parting justice for her country. Perhaps one day she’ll understand to feel more, if they joined them. Perhaps she’ll tell people in Liyue about her choice in following the Traveler.

How the most dangerous thing is to love

How you will heal and you'll rise above

Crowned by an overture bold and beyond

Ah, it's more courageous to overcome

She loved this man to the end of her aging life, even if he would not take it for granted compared to her existence. After following her beloved traveler to the end of their journey, healing her country she must take over duties as next head with the revived honor of her clan. She realizes Mister Zhongli will wait for her, not the reason she wants to believe. In which she cannot return the sentiment that he plans to give back in the end. That is not the love she needed from him, nor can force it. For that she will settle for another, her children will remember the age or gods in her place. She will heal and forgive him over and over again. For she will love him to not feel forgotten for eternity. Perhaps he was right to compare her to glaze lilies on her birthdays.

[thisiswherewestart]

I Remember (1/?)

Today had started out like any other Tuesday. I had woken up, logged in to work remotely for a few hours and then moved to a café for a change of scenery and to grab some lunch.

I usually frequented cafés close by my apartment, but my friend had highly recommended this quaint, newly opened one with an extensive pasta menu that was a half-hour train ride away. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a sucker for good pasta, and her rave review of their squid ink spaghetti had haunted me for the past week.

And so there I was on a Tuesday afternoon, after checking that they welcomed lingering customers. My laptop sat open across from me so I could monitor my inbox and I surveyed the simple decorations that created a homely ambiance. The fact that I was the only customer helped complete the serene scene. If this café were within walking distance, I would come again just for the atmosphere.

Ten minutes after giving my order to the waiter, my food finally arrived. The dark sauce coated the noodles beautifully, the seafood peeking out between the long strands making my mouth salivate in anticipation. As I picked up my fork, a tinkle of a bell sounded from the café entrance.

"Hello," a soft but confident voice greeted the approaching waiter. "One salmon aglio olio to go please. Thanks."

My fork stopped halfway to my mouth. My back was to the entrance but I would recognise that voice even in a noisy room.

"Tasha?"

And that confirmed it. It was him.

"Dongyoung," I greeted, standing and turning around to face the man. "It's been a while."

"When did you come back to Korea?" His tone was accusing now.

"How are you? How's Taeyong? How are the kids?" I shot out question after question, hoping he would forget the one he had asked.

"We're all fine. When did you come back?"

So much for that.

"Oppa…"

"Don't you 'oppa' me. We're basically the same age."

I sighed, dropping onto my seat and turning away from him. "I've been back for a year now."

He took the seat opposite me. Uninvited, but not unexpected.

"One year." The hurt in his voice made me wince. "A whole year and you didn't bother to call."

"Dongyoung, please."

His laugh was void of mirth. "So we're back to this, huh? The last time I saw you, you exclusively called me Doie."

I looked up at him.

"I guess that's what four years of silence does between friends."

*~*

"Five, six, seven, eight…"

The 7th Sense NCT U unit was made up of my favourite fellow trainees. 

Mark, who was the same age as my little brother whom I dearly missed. His naive sense of humour and bright eyed wonder had me growing fond of him in no time at all. Our shared love of story writing also brought us closer, as we encouraged each other to keep up with writing even as we were busy with idol training. He was my happy pill during our years as trainees together.

Ten, my fellow international school kid. We were different in that he came from money while I was the daughter of a diplomat. PSA: not all diplomats are wealthy! They are still government officers and don't earn nearly as much as you think they do. One of the perks was getting subsidised education, which made it possible for my siblings and I to attend international schools in non-English speaking countries we lived in. Ten and I hadn't known each other prior to becoming trainees, but he and I found that we just clicked. We even found several mutual friends in our international school networks.

Jaehyun and I took a little longer to warm up to each other. I was a fairly quiet person, only talkative around people I was comfortable with, so I was never one to initiate conversation. Jaehyun never approached me to start talking either, so a few months after we first met, our relationship had not progressed beyond a polite greeting when we bumped into each other. It took Taeyong to help us break the ice, but once we got to talking we found that our interests overlapped and they were the foundation to our pretty solid friendship.

Taeyong is the one trainee to whom I’m most grateful. I entered the company shortly after he did, and he seemed to decide to take me under his wing upon our first meeting. It didn’t matter that our training schedules didn’t overlap; he would always check in on me and help me when I struggled with getting dance moves memorised. In time, as Taeyong started writing and producing more songs, he would include me in his process and get me to record demos with him and Dongyoung.

Dongyoung was an enigma to me. I knew he had a kind heart because he would do things like invite foreign trainees home during holidays so they would have somewhere to go. I could see the warmth in his interactions with other trainees but he was only ever cordial to me, so I always thought he did not like me very much. It was, once again, thanks to Taeyong that we got closer. Dongyoung and I were both vocalists, but I dabbled in some rapping and Taeyong seemed to enjoy writing songs that featured the three of us. Studio sessions with the two of them became some of my favourite memories of my time as a trainee.

I was looking through the lyrics of the latest song Taeyong had written when the group finished their practice run and paused for a water break.

“Tash,” Taeyong greeted as he flopped down next to me, leaning his back on the cool mirror.

“You guys are looking really good,” I praised, handing him a water bottle. “The modifications you guys made last week improved the overall performance a lot.”

“Right? I’m so glad the choreographer let us do that.”

Dongyoung approached us, sitting on my other side. I passed him the last of my stock of water bottles. “Hey.”

“I’m beat,” he sighed. “But we look good right?”

“Yeah I was just saying that.”

The three of us sat in amicable silence for a few moments, the two of them gulping down the cool water as I finished perusing Taeyong’s lyrics. I shut my eyes as my thoughts turned to my own debut, or lack thereof, and my family’s increasing worries. 

“Hey, you okay?” I opened my eyes to find Dongyoung peering at me in concern.

I gave him a half smile. “I guess.”

“You’ll debut soon,” Taeyong assured me, guessing the subject of my thoughts correctly. I appreciated his vote of confidence, but we all knew that was a lie, at least if I stayed at SM. Having debuted Red Velvet two years ago, it was highly improbable that they would debut another girl group so soon. And besides, they were all tied up in NCT’s official debut, with two U units, 127 and Dream all training hard to perfect their debut performances.

“We should probably get back to training,” Taeyong said apologetically. His eyes were kind as he briefly grasped my shoulder with a comforting hand before standing up. “Tell me what you think of that song later,” he nodded at the printed lyrics in my hand. “I want your verse by the end of the week!”

Dongyoung sat studying my expression for a bit longer.

“I’m fine, Doie. Really.” I pushed his shoulder gently. “Go. They’re waiting for you.”

“We’ll go out to eat after this, okay?” he offered, standing. “We can get pasta. My treat.”

“Man after my own heart,” I proclaimed, clutching my chest in jest.

He grinned as he walked to his starting position. 

I watched as Taeyong counted the boys into yet another rehearsal. Meeting Dongyoung's eyes in the practice room mirror, I could see the nerves he increasingly felt but rarely showed for their debut performance, only seven days from now. I smiled as brightly as I could, hoping he couldn't tell my heart was breaking knowing I would be leaving in five.

*~*

The Doyoung that sat before me today was a fully fledged kpop star, hair perfectly coiffed and clothes fitting his comfortable but stylish lookbook. He had truly grown into his looks, and seeing him was making my heart ache. With pride? With longing? I didn't even know myself. I had just started developing maybe-more-than-friends feelings towards him when I had found myself back with my family.

"You look good. Healthy."

"Where have you been for the last four years, Natasha?"

His use of my entire first name hurt more than I expected. Was this how he felt when I called him Dongyoung?

"I went back home."

"As in back to your home country?" he asked, incredulous.

"Yes."

"Why? And don't tell me it's because you didn't debut with Red Velvet."

"You're kidding, right?" It was my turn to laugh humourlessly. "Has SM debuted another girl group since then?"

"Well no, but-"

"Don't say they might have added me to the group like they did Yeri. When I left, it had been one year since that happened and two years since they debuted!"

"But why did you have to leave?" Doyoung's voice was rising. "You could have moved to another company. You know you had the skills to debut."

"I just… had to, okay?" 

I guess he heard the pleading in my voice because he switched to another line of questioning after studying me for a minute.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” His voice was quiet. “Taeyong and me, especially,” he sighed. “We missed you. We still miss you.”

“I’m sorry. I know it was shitty of me but I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of me leaving.” I did not want to give you guys the chance to persuade me to stay.

There was a pause. “Did you miss us?”

Tears I thought had dried up years ago threatened to fall. “You have no idea how much,” I whispered, willing myself not to cry.

“Oh I think I do-”

“At least you guys had each other,” I blurted. 

“Excuse me?” Doyoung narrowed his eyes at me. “We were not the ones who stopped talking to you! I called until your number went out of service! And then we looked for you online but there was absolutely nothing. Why did you fall off the grid completely?”

I opened my mouth to respond but was interrupted by the waiter bringing Doyoung his food. Doyoung thanked him and handed him a card. “I’ll take care of her bill as well.”

“Don’t,” I protested. We were in the middle of an argument and he still wanted to take care of me. “Just charge him for his food, please,” I asked the waiter.

“I’ll pay for her,” Doyoung insisted. “Thank you.”

The waiter left, an awkward smile on his face as he retreated.

“I have to go now, so we’ll put a pin in this conversation.” Doyoung stared hard at me until I nodded my assent. "Does anyone know you're back?"

I shook my head. "I work in software now. I don't run in the same circles anymore."

"You know we have these things called phones, right?" He gestured at his Samsung with exaggerated motions. "They're amazing. You can connect with anyone, anywhere. Even if they're in a different country." He looked at me pointedly.

"I'm sorry, okay? I know I could have, should have, kept in touch but I just… I couldn't."

"Why?"

A million reasons. "I don't want to get into it right now."

"Fine. But you know I'll keep asking until I get answers."

I smiled, thinking about his habit of persistently badgering us until he got what he wanted. "I know."

"In fact," he grabbed my phone, which had been lying next to my rapidly cooling plate of pasta. "I'm going to call myself so I have your number."

Before I could protest, he had held my phone up to unlock it with my face and was dialling.

"Wait, I-"

He clicked the dial button and automatically put the phone up to his ear, before slowly lowering it again, staring at the screen in disbelief.

"So you kept my number. This whole time. And you still never called."

I didn’t know what to say to that. All I could do was apologise again. “I-”

“Just save it, Tash.” He put my phone back on the table. “I’m going now. Pick up when I call, okay?”

“I don’t like talking on the phone. Can you text me instead?” I joked, trying to keep my tone light.

“Do not test me,” Doyoung glowered. “Answer when I call.”

“Okay,” I murmured, but he was already walking to the counter to pick up his card.

He left without looking back.

[worldoftom]

Plug. | 2 - Walk.

words: 1.8k

verse: More Than This – year three

pairing: model actor ! Tom x female reader

summary: the second time, Tom is puzzled.

warnings: established relationship, mild fluff, language

Plug. masterpost | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

 •

2 - Walk.

“Shit.”

You’re at the restaurant and it’s about a quarter to nine, but since you called so late to postpone the reservation and there’s a big crowd tonight, you were politely asked if you would mind waiting at the bar for a table to free up. Of course you don’t mind, but Tom really wanted tonight to be flawless and it was far from it up to this moment.

This place is slightly fancier than usual, with stained-glass ceiling panels and mirrored walls, a twisted tree in the center of the room. You comment on it, saying it looks so post-apocalyptic that you expect someone to start performing a Samuel Beckett play underneath it.

“I’m sorry,” he turns to you later on, spinning his martini glass on the counter. You’re holding your blood-red cocktail in front of your face as you’re about to take a sip, and your eyes stare into his. “I feel like I ruined our evening.”

“It’s not ruined. We’re here, we just have to wait a little bit,” you say in a soft voice, putting the glass down to remove a piece of lint from his shoulder affectionately. You also try to tuck up a stray lock of his hair, but it ends up falling down again. You make an upset noise like it bothers you and repeat your gesture, a breathy laugh finding its way out through Tom’s nose, but your action’s for naught. It just gets back to its spot on his temple.

“I’m hating this thing right now,” you add with an annoyed grumble.

“Just leave it, I don’t mind it,” he says, swatting your hand away from his face with a soft gesture.

“Excuse me, am I not your stylist for the night?” you object, tucking it up once more, under a larger strand this time. Your face is all serious and scrunched up, as you try not to ruin the rest of your previous work of art. It seems to stay up there, and you make an ‘okay’ gesture with both your hands, your index fingers and thumbs touching to make open circles at the level of his eyes. “Perfect.”

“Are you also going to wipe the sweat off my forehead?” Tom jokes, grinning. “Check if my shirt is tucked in right?”

“Very funny.”

Tom shakes his head at you, but you only snicker at him. The fact that you seem to be happy despite everything that’s happened is important to him.

Tonight is a very important occasion after all. You’re celebrating the first anniversary of your first official date, which didn’t go so well, so basically Tom is wondering if there’s something about this day that you simply should not go out with him in risk of it immediately becoming a disaster. It’s just the kind of luck he has, when you’re here looking so gorgeous and when he wanted to try some place different, slightly more sumptuous, probably more than it’s deserved. Well, maybe not for you. You deserve the whole universe wrapped in a huge, glittery satin bow, so of course he feels like he has failed you yet again.

When a table finally clears, it’s already past nine. Tom’s impatient by then, but you’re awfully agitated, too. He can tell. It’s pretty clear in the way you jump when he accidentally touches your hand as you both follow the maître d’ – like he said, fancy – but he lets it go for now. You’re probably restless from all this waiting.

He apologizes again after he helps you to your seat and sits down, too, but you remind him that it’s all right.

“It’s not your fault,” you say, putting your purse down. “I mean it, it’s fine.”

Not wanting to ruin the night even more with his whining, Tom nods. You’re here, you seem comfortable, you’re ordering another drink, so he will do everything in his power to make sure you have the best date ever.

Relaxing into his seat, he looks over at you, sitting in front of him with your beautiful hair, styled in a way that compliments every angle of your face, and he can't help but repeat himself. “You look really pretty tonight.”

Your body freezes up for a second, shoulders tense and hands tight around the menu you’re reading through, but then you gaze up at him. Your eyelashes bat softly against your skin, your arched eyebrows sort of smiling at him, and you show him the most gracious smile he’s seen in weeks.

“Thank you. You look very handsome, too,” you say, smile shifting to radiant and cheeky. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

“You don’t think I could have done this myself?” He pretends to be shocked, running a hand over his hair and then down the unbuttoned front of his jacket. “I'm offended. I totally could've.”

“Not in so little minutes, you couldn't,” you tease, and he squints his eyes at you. Sure, he takes longer to choose when he’s doing it by himself, but that’s not his fault either. All his life he would easily succumb to other people’s fashion advice, from his mother when he was an uninformed teen to his stylist when he’s at work, and of course, his personal stylist when he’s home.

“I was trying to be nice, but sure, go ahead and don’t care. I’m used to it anyway,” he feigns offense, scoffing and looking back at his menu. He can hear your chuckle and shakes his head. “You’re impossible, I hate you.”

“I hate you too, dear.”

He half-rolls his eyes, sipping from his glass as he watches you twirl yours while you wait for the starters. You tell him about your day, and he suddenly notices how you keep fidgeting in your seat. Suddenly you don’t seem comfortable at all for some reason, but you’re talking and he’s paying attention, so he’s not going to ask about it right now.

The topic changes to what he can tell you about his stress-filled day and, when you’re both finished with the main course, you excuse yourself to the bathroom. He watches as you sneak between the tables and sees how uncomfortable you still are. This is really strange because you’ve never looked anything remotely like this before. Could it be the dress or the shoes?

He waits for you to come back, as he keeps ruminating on that, tapping his fingers on the table and refraining from pouring another glass of wine for himself.

“You’re driving, Tom,” he mumbles under his breath, swiping a finger under the wrist of his shirt before he resumes his tapping on the table . “Just relax and ask her what’s going on.”

His eyes don’t leave the bathroom door until you come back a few minutes later, and again he notices that something feels different about the way you’re walking. He can really see it now. You’re swaying more, but not in a suggestive way. It’s like you’re hesitating, like it hurts to walk.

“Darlin’, are you all right?” he finally asks, as soon as you sit down. This is definitely intriguing him, and it’s better to ask than worry about it needlessly.

“Yeah, I’m good,” you reply curtly. “Why do you ask?”

“You’re walking funny.”

“Hum?” you question, eyebrows furrowed, staring over the rim of your glass as you drink. You put it down next in a slow movement as you say, “What are you talking about?”

That expression on your face, it’s always the same when he catches you twisting the truth for whatever reason. You don’t have the habit of lying, at least not that he’s noticed, but sometimes you say one thing and mean another. Usually that’s your sarcasm taking over, and sometimes it’s a joke, but not right now. This is something completely different.

“I know that look. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” You blink twice in a row. “I swear.”

Tom leaves it for now, but he brings it up again after he follows you out of the restaurant. When it’s far away enough that he can be his regular self and no longer Tom at a gourmet restaurant – when it’s just you and him, in formal clothing, strolling towards the car, his hand on the small of your back, as per usual, because he loves to remind everyone that you’re with him.

At a safe distance, during a comfortable silence as you check something on your phone, you seem to skip in your step and that's all it takes. Tom rolls his shoulders, removes his hand from your back, and pulls you to a stop. “Okay, what the fuck is going on with you tonight?”

“What do you mean?” You turn to him, face all innocent and relaxed, your eyes not glinting in any special way and your lips not moving any more than necessary. Even the way you adjust your hair looks absolutely normal. You’re not giving him any signs, but he knows something’s wrong. He feels it in his gut.

“Why are you walking like that?”

“I’m walking normally, what—”

“No, you’re not,” he insists. His voice is a little louder because this is frustrating him. He can tell there’s something bothering you, and not only he can’t figure out what it is, you’re totally lying to him about it. “You’re swaying more, and you’re, uh, you’re hesitating. Are you in pain or something?”

“No, Tommy, I’m fine.”

Wait.

“What did you say?”

You roll your eyes, slipping your phone back into the purse and clipping it closed.

“I said I’m fine. You’re the one acting all weird,” you clarify and resume walking, but Tom notices how you’re rubbing your lips together. And there was something else.

“You called me Tommy,” he stresses with narrowed eyes.

This is an easy one. There’s really only one occasion when you call him Tommy and it's always, always in the bedroom. And your gaze finally gives you away. You’re faking innocence.

The night’s mood did a 180 degree turn with one little word and he’s perfectly aware of that. “What are you planning, you vixen?”

“Nothing,” you sing-song, a small sly grin appearing on your pretty mouth. You’re canting towards him, your hip tapping gently into his. So, yeah, the composed, fancy-restaurant look is all gone by now. This is just you, provocative and inviting, one hand curled around his arm, body warmth pressing against his side. “C’mon, let’s just go to the car.”

But now that that nickname is out of your mouth, Tom has a feeling that something is going to happen soon. He knows exactly how you work. How you’re all innocent one second and cheekily vicious the next. So he reseats his hand on your lower back, only this time he pushes you forward with intent. He never wanted anything more like he wants to know what the fuck this is about.

 •

Plug. masterpost | < Part 1 | Part 3 >

[mostfreeee]

ABOUT

Long as the voice inside me says go, I will always keep on running.

My Sonic is primarily games & IDW comics verse. But with some small divergents here and there. 

Basics:

Name: Sonic the Hedgehog Age: Canonically 15, but my Sonic is defaulted to 19/20. ( varying greater depending on the verse ) Height: 3ft 2in / 98cm  Weight: 77 lb / 35 kg

Synopsis: Sonic is an anthropomorphic hedgehog who can travel faster than the speed of sound. “Got to go fast” is basically his occupation, when he isn’t taking down robots created by an evil genius known as Eggman. He values freedom and nature, two things Eggman seems determined to oppress and destroy. 

Generally a people person, Sonic cherishes his friends greatly and enjoys meeting new people. He even has a tendency to make nice with his foes, never one to let a bit of rivalry stop him from getting along with someone.

His carefree attitude can make it seem like he is irresponsible and reckless without ever thinking of the consequences. And while the reckless part is true often enough, he has a strong sense of justice and takes it upon himself to step up whenever the world needs saving. 

Apperance:

I see my Sonic having quills on the shorter side, a bit like these (draw by Tyson Hesse) 

As much as I adore the long quills that fall down behind him like in regular Modern Sonic designs, something about the shorter quills that spike more backwards than downwards fits so well. 

Colour Hexes:

The blue fur: #0000e6

The peach fur: #eebc9d

His eyes: #0bda51

Personality:

Sonic is a pretty laid back guy, in his own way.

He loves to travel, going at incredibly fast speeds, but he also likes to relax and read or nap. 

He's all about free will. He wants people to be able to choose what they want to do on their own. Though he knows some people just need a bit of encouragement too and that’s all fine. 

He likes being optimistic

For the most part he isn’t necessarily oblivious, he knows all about the bad in the world, but he likes looking at the bright side. 

He knows that life doesn’t always have a happy ending, but he is able to picture a better future and thus will always strive for it. Even if that means that he’ll end up severely disappointed at times, it’s better than living your whole life like nothing good will ever come.

He strongly believes in second, and even third, chances. If someone wants to change for the better, why not encourage them to? 

Because of this he doesn’t hold grudges well — at least when it comes to himself. If you harmed a friend that’ll get you a bit more of a watchful eye, but ultimately Sonic believes that everyone can change. 

(for better or for worse as seen in IDW comics) 

He doesn’t have a house, but he definitely has a home.

For all his wanderlust, he’ll always make his way back to where his friends are settled at. Most commonly he’ll go to Tails first, and then take his time making rounds to see his friends again. He eventually gets restless if he doesn’t go out exploring or if there hasn’t been a battle or something to get rid of his excess energy. But he drops by often enough to still be a frequent face. 

He loves company

Even if it means he needs to slow down, he’ll most often prefer having company than not. There is always time to squeeze in a run here and there, so he’ll never pass on a chance to hang out if someone is free.

It’s not like he’s clingly, he knows better than anyone that people have their own things to do. He’s perfectly fine being on his own for months on end, and there is usually enough things to distract him during that time. It’s just that if schedules happen to line up he’s definitely going to make the most of it.

If he ever does feel lonely

While rare, he’s first instinct is to go running and looking for a distraction. Because again, he knows people have their own things to do and he doesn’t want to be a bother of all things. 

If that doesn’t work, he can usually wander by Tails’s workshop and settle in at a corner under the excuse of wanting a nap without worrying about the weather outside. He won’t bother his buddy, but the sounds of Tails tinkering helps ease the ache in his chest. 

His impatience doesn’t come from moving slowly, it comes from not doing what needs to get done.

As stated above, he doesn’t mind slowing down his pace for other people. However, if there is something that needs to get done, whether urgent or not, he wants to get on with it so it’s complete. 

He doesn’t like leaving tasks left unfinished because all it does is drag in the back of his mind. He rather be able to go out and have fun without worrying about something else. 

If there is something that forces him to move slowly (so he isn’t slowing down by choice) then he does get very impatient very quickly. 

He enjoys using corny jokes and inserting random humour whenever he can.

He’s perfectly aware that a lot of his jokes are cheesy, but having people groan in exasperation is just as good as having people laugh in response so! 

Really no matter what you do you’ll end up encouraging him. 

He’s no genius, he’ll leave that to Tails, but he does end up well enough read.

Though he does gravitate to adventure-type stories, he does like learning about the world and enjoys fun facts. 

Often times though, if he falls asleep in the middle of reading a book he doesn’t bother to pick that book up again when he wakes, unless there was something really interesting about it. Even if the book wasn’t boring and he fell asleep due to going for days without rest, he just figures the time to read the book has passed and moves on to the next. 

He loves nature

It’s part of why he likes to travel so much. There is always a new sight to see, and nature just never disappoints! 

He likes finding all the places where nature is allowed to develop naturally without interference of settlements. When he does come across such a place, he does his best to not disrupt anything there. Which also means he doesn’t move too quickly just so he can be sure his speed doesn’t destroy anything. 

He really enjoys naps!

He likes laying down on the grass and feeling the sun shine down on him most, but that comes with the risk of getting caught in the rain so he tries to do it only when there is little chance of rainfall. Otherwise he’ll find little nooks and crannies to settle down in to sleep. 

He can’t swim, and he has mild aquaphobia.

He doesn’t mind being around water, like having fun at the beach is okay, but he absolutely hates being submerged in it. (waking up to a sudden downpour when he naps outside also gives him a scare, which is why he is careful before he falls asleep in the open) 

If given enough warning, and for good enough reason, he will do his best to hold back his fear to get whatever business done, but you can bet that he’ll be having phantom shivers for a long time after. 

He can’t hold his breath underwater for very long, not because he doesn’t have the lung capacity, but because he quickly gets so anxious that he just can’t hold it. 

After being submerged in water (whether willingly or unwillingly) Sonic prefers being surrounded by something solid. It could be anything, even a big hug is very much welcomed, but more often than not he’ll find a hole at the side of a mountain and huddle himself in it. He already has a few go to places scattered around, because unfortunately he’s had plenty of experiences being submerged in water. 

It doesn’t get any easier even after all this time.

He knows that he’s considered a hero by the mass majority, and he’s come to accept it.

A Hero was something he never wanted to be, though. He just wanted to save the distressed animals at first, and found himself speeding into something he can’t just back out of now.

Not that he would want to back out, per say. He’s incapable of not stepping in if he knows that he can do something to help. And he rather be the person to stop something bad from happening than to just leave it to someone else. 

But because he has saved the world multiple times by now, and became (in)famous, he knows that “Hero” is a title he can’t run from anymore. No matter what he says or what he wants, people will call him as such, and with that comes all the responsibility and expectations that he never asked for. He’s more conscious of that than he’d like to admit.

He doesn't really mind it for the most part, though. More often than not it falls in line with what he wants anyways — to stop Eggman. And if people end up shocked because he doesn’t act the way they thought he would, well, that’s on them and with no consequence to him. 

He doesn’t let that title dictate his actions, either. He’ll always do what he thinks is right first and foremost. Even if the world says one way is correct, if he believes otherwise he’s doing it his way. He’s not looking for random strangers approval, nor does he particularly want it. 

But, because of the title of ‘Hero’ he knows that there are some assumptions made about him. He is acutely aware that a lot of people hold him to high regard, and look up to him. And as much as he likes to think that the title of ‘Hero’ doesn’t affect him, it did change him in some ways. 

It’s mostly after being called a Hero that Sonic started putting up a front

It wasn’t a conscious decision or anything, but with so many people, children especially, looking up to him with shining eyes — he found that he wants to be someone they can rely on when they are in danger. Because he’s a caring guy, and small animals and children stir up a protective side of him. 

Besides, he figured that he’ll always do what he can to stop Eggman as long as the madman was trying to take over the world, so what’s the harm in letting kids think of him as this big Hero and thus feeling safe with him around?

With that it was all too easy to slip into the persona that the public already created for him.

After all, that persona didn’t come out from nowhere. It was basically just an exaggeration of his already there carefree personality. 

He’s generally good at understanding people, and he’ll use that to adapt himself into someone who is comforting for whoever needs it at the time. He genuinely likes being able to help people. And that’s why he’ll play into the whole Hero shtick to the extent he does. 

He’d grin widely when he’s around the public, and play off any injury that he suffered. He’d pretend that he wasn’t exhausted after a grueling battle, and that nothing bothered him. 

He doesn’t mind ‘breaking character’ if the public gets too much — again, he won’t sacrifice his principles just to live up to other people’s expectations. He’ll do what he believes to be right in the end, but the ‘cool guy who is unbothered by anything’ persona just became so incredibly easy to play. 

It’s become a part of who he is, now. That facet of his personality is what he shows the most readily, hiding anything else behind it. He’s always been fond of inserting humour whenever he could to lighten up a situation and cheer someone up, but now he does it to distract people from noticing that anything is wrong. It’s become an unhealthy coping mechanism, but Sonic isn’t about to tell anyone that.

He’d gladly accept any physical help (like in battle), but emotional help is harder for him to welcome.

Again, it comes with the Hero persona he fell into. He’s gotten so used to pretending that nothing is wrong that he sometimes believes it himself that all is fine. 

It’s been okay for the most part so far, (as ‘okay’ as emotional suppression can be). He got buy on being able to rewind after any big battle, being surrounded by his friends, and being able to have fun on his own terms. 

However, with being captured for six months (Sonic Forces) and knowing deep down that the metal virus outbreak was his fault (IDW comics), it’s a lot harder for Sonic to trick himself into thinking everything is okay.

He’ll still do what he can to fool other people, though.

But, all that said and done, it isn’t like it’s ALL an act. 

Down to the core, Sonic is still that fun loving guy. If you were to pull a Shadow and ask Sonic what he is now, he would still answer the same. That he’s ‘just a guy who loves adventure.’ Because it’s still true. He’s very good at living in the moment and making the most out of any situation. And at the end of the day, Sonic just does what he believes in and he has fun along the way. 

[jadeile-writes]

Fanfic Progress Update 65

Heya, you beautiful people! It’s Saturday, so it’s time to see what I’ve been up to. Stay tuned to the end of this post for a spoiler-y glimpse into the next chapter of Adventure gone Mini.

Current WIPs:

Adventure gone Mini

Fandom: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild / The Minish Cap

Summary: Sidon is given his very own Sheikah Slate, the first replica Purah has managed to make, and sets out to travel with Link with the intention of registering warp points for convenient travel in the future. However, when a malfunction shrinks them down to the size of bugs, and they meet little people called the Minish, they have to change their plans from “fun adventuring” to “getting out of this mess”. Not that those two have to exclude one another. Link/Sidon.

Progress: Chapter 38 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 6th of May. Chapter 39 is only missing a couple of paragraphs and is scheduled for 27th of May.

I post a new chapter every three weeks on Wednesdays. These updates always include a sneak-peek for the next chapter, slowly getting longer over the three weeks waiting period.

—–

That month of the year

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: Every year, for a single month, the Radio Demon gets… emotional. His antlers are in velvet and he’s pumped full of hormones that make him behave quite unlike himself: suddenly, everywhere he looks, instead of seeing fellow demons all he sees are helpless little fawns that nobody is taking a proper care of! Solution? Adopt them.

Husk, Niffty, Camille, Honey, and the rest of the older Fawns put up with their Mom/Dad’s nonsense every year, but this time there’s a new, rotten apple in their midst and they have to protect Alastor from this crook. Without Alastor knowing about it. As Husk likes to put it: “This is fucking bullshit. …I mean fudgy nonsense.”

(Crack taken seriously. Gen)

Progress: The first two chapters are finished. The third chapter is more than halfway done. I want to have a few chapters written before posting anything. No progress since last time, ugh. Lazy author is lazy.

This fic is co-authored by Maximillian!

—–

Hah! Our afterlife is the most hilarious bushwa, dearest

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: This is not a stand-alone story! This is a oneshot/drabble collection in the universe of “Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife”. Read the main story before bothering with this one.

I decided to give my readers a chance to throw Radiohusk prompts at me, and had the Afterlife-verse as an option to set the stories in. Everyone liked that, so this fic is now a thing. Enjoy the extra mischief from these two dorks!

Progress: Chapter 16 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 22nd of May. Chapter 17 hasn’t been started yet, but the scheduled posting date is 29th of May (posting Mini this Wednesday, so opting out of Tuesday right off the bat). A sneak-peek will be posted the previous day.

I now have a whole bunch of new prompts, roughly 20, so we have plenty of chapters to look forward to again! : D

This fic receives a new chapter once a week on either Tuesday or Friday. Honestly, usually Friday.

—–

Secret drabbles and ficlets!

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: I’ve occasionally written completely random Radiohusk fics and shared them with a bunch of friends without posting them on AO3 or here. I’d like to rectify that and start posting them here at random for everyone to read. I won’t be posting them on AO3 because I don’t want to, so keeping an eye on this blog is even more rewarding than before for a while ;)

Progress: I have four separate ficlets at the moment, and a few nearly finished ones that I’ll probably get done sooner or later (with one exception that I’m unlikely to actually finish at all). I’ll post them at most once a week, on whatever day I feel like doing it (though obviously not on a day when I’m posting something else already). Basically, keep your eyes open.

—–

Other WIPs I’m not currently working on but intend to get back to someday:

PoE Drabbles (Pillars of Eternity)

DC Drabbles (Justice League)

Diaphanous Relations (Forgotten Realms, R.A. Salvatore’s books)

Experiment in Romance (Hazbin Hotel)

—–

That’s it for the WIPs! Here are the promised sneak-peek into Adventure gone Mini (Note: the text may end up slightly different in the fic itself due to more editing happening before publishing). Enjoy!

Mini

"Excuse me, sir? Where can we find the city hall?" Link looked around the nearby stalls with great interest while Sidon had a conversation with the least busy looking Minish they had spotted from the food tent they had just exited. Ah, he really wanted to forget all about their quest and simply mill around and do some souvenir shopping! Or just shopping, without necessarily needing to tack on the part about souvenirs – he liked buying things to himself the most, if he was being honest. Everything looked so neat! From where he was standing he saw a stall that sold little braided bracelets, another that sold baskets, and one that had some kind of wooden objects that he couldn't see well from where he was. And that was just the stalls he could see! The marketplace had looked enormous from a distance, so who knew what kind of treasures he would find with a little time to explore. "Link?" He turned his wistful gaze away from the wood-object-stall and looked at his boyfriend. "I got the directions", Sidon said, looking pleased with himself. "Shall we head that way? We need to walk right through the marketplace, so we can look around a little as we move."

—–

That’s it this time. See you next Saturday!

AO3    FFnet    Purple Crayon    Ko-fi

[smolbeandrabbles]

Starlight - Captain Emmett Dutton x Reader (Australia)

Author’s Note: So, it took me waaaay too many watches of Australia to even think of this scenario. Or even think of him in this scenario - which is crazy and I am clearly blind. Anyways, I wrote it - here we are 💙💜

Disclaimer: I basically ripped this entire fic from the film itself and pushed the timeline on a bit, as you will see. So, I don’t want to take too much credit here at all! I wrote it that’s all!

Premise: Surprising Emmett was supposed to be the highlight of your evening, but with a little help from the weather, it’s about to get even better...

Words: 4617

Warnings: Sexual Pre-Amble (Yes, for Emmett, really!)

_________

And I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous tune" It was the best night, never would forget how we moved. The whole place was dressed to the nines, And we were dancing, dancing Like we're made of starlight, starlight Like we're made of starlight, starlight He said, "Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way" He was trying to skip rocks on the ocean, saying to me, "Don't you see the starlight, starlight? Don't you dream impossible things?" Ooh ooh he's talking crazy Ooh ooh dancing with me Ooh ooh we could get married Have ten kids and teach them how to dream --- Darwin was always a gorgeous little city; and you always loved being invited out here by Emmett. Only, this particular trip you’d told him you couldn’t be in town. “What-!? Why?!” “Baby, I have work to do… You know…” “Well. Why not bring your friends..? Your friends have partners stationed here too… do they not?” “You think that’s the reason I won’t come? I’m not employed by my friends Emmett… You will simply have to wait for a more convenient time…” Of course, any time was convenient. And so was this; but, for once you wanted to surprise him. The reason he had asked you here was the party being held. He wanted you to dance with him. To introduce you to people… A different kind of class. At least, they acted like it up there in Darwin. Here where you lived was so different, but it was also a small town, not a big city. You guessed that was supposed to give them some kind of excuse to act the way they did. There was something about a close-knit community here that kept class together, not separate. That was beside the point. You had arrived and stayed with friends. But, tonight was the party. And they all wanted to help you get ready. “Are you sure he has no clue?!” “Well, you work down at the communications center, you’d know! Unless you’ve been telling him anything?” “Me?!” You eyed her; “Well?” “No!” she laughed “I would never! Him being surprised would be one thing. But the Captain seeing you in that dress!?” You looked down at yourself “Oh, well. That is the point.” They fared you well and you walked yourself across to the city hall building.  Of course you likely weren’t meant to be doing this alone, but you didn’t care. Let them talk - let this be a scandal; for five minutes. You’d be in his arms soon enough. It was probably the dress, people certainly wouldn’t miss it; bright red, buttons and ribbons detailing the bodices left hand side, the skirt was voluminous – and that was before you started on the fact the back was cut deep and it was strapless.  However, it made you feel like a princess, and all you needed was your prince. “Ms…Miss…” The administrator himself was speechless “…Does… Does the Captain know you are here-!? He proclaimed that he would be here alone!” “Administrator…” You gave a gentle smile, “Emmett would think that he was here alone… He is not even aware I am Darwin.” “This is a well executed plan.” “Oh! Only if it works…” You turned to the party, half nervous half excited to see him, and bit your painted lips together; “Is he… here?” “He is… my dear… I shall escort you to him myself!” You held your hand up to politely decline, with a laugh; “No, No… You must see to your other guests… That will be unnecessary… but… I thank you.” He looked a little disappointed, but, you were sure that would draw further attention you didn’t need. You continued to walk through the house slowly in your attempts to find your partner, and found yourself outside on the back lawns by the time you were accosted by someone else. “Ah-! Stanley!” “Hold on. He left you alone looking like this!?!” He placed his hand to his head and frantically looked around for Captain Dutton. “Not exactly!” You giggled. He was tall, over 6ft, dark hair, blue eyes, cool Australian tan, brilliant smile. “He has no idea does he?” “Yet none of you seem to think it at all surprising that I’m here.” “You think I think you would miss this?” He smiled and held out his arm for you to help you down the steps; “Now do you know me better than he, or does he not expect surprises?” “Sorry, you have met the man you’re courting, yes?” somehow that explained everything. “A little too serious for his own good?” “Ah. You have! I was worried!” There was a grin on his face at your remark as he looked up to the party. Now, as expected all looking at you, and all of them talking. Apart from Emmett; frozen in place. You followed Stanley’s eyes but only caught his. You weren’t sure he’d ever looked at you like that. Not even when he’d first met you. Though it wasn’t easy for him to make his way through the crowd to you. Stan let your arm go as you continued to walk forward. “Enjoy your evening!” You turned back to him, with a raised eyebrow; “And you…” Then he called out to his friend “Take care of her, Captain! I leave her in your more than capable hands!” It was a little too loud on purpose, and Emmett shook his head after Stan as the other officer departed. That left all his attention turned back on you, and he fixed you with that same look; “Y/N…” He stopped himself short, you could see it. Everything he wanted to say that would simply be inappropriate in public; “Captain…” It was his turn to hold out his arm for you to take; “I was not aware that we were expecting such company tonight…” “Well. I would be nothing, if not for surprises…” You wrapped yourself around him, unable to resist your smile. “Nothing?!” He raised an eyebrow as you took his arm; “…Now who put that idea in your head, my darling?” As he walked you through the crowd you could already see the women staring at your dress; low cut, nearly backless, strapless, bright red... not completely figure hugging - especially from the waist down due to the flowing nature of the skirt but still... you realised it was enough of a stir. And almost smirked at the way some of the older generation gasped and whispered behind their hands to each other. Either Emmett didn’t notice or pretended he didn’t. To him you looked gorgeous. And the dress had you and your personality written all over it. He clearly wouldn’t have that any other way.  Still, he was very proper and versed in etiquette and you felt the need to point out the behaviour of his social class; “They are all talking...” “About you?” You noticed the subtle way he pulled you closer to him “Yes.” “Does it bother you..? I believe you like the phrase let them talk...” “I do. It’s you I’m worried about.” “Oh believe me, the women aren’t the only ones talking, it plays to my advantage also...” oh, you supposed women also wouldn’t like men’s eyes - specifically their own men’s eyes - all over you either. But that gave Emmett a little something of his own to smile about, apparently. You looked across to him “maybe I should have worn something more fitting of your status, Captain?” He shook his head, looking back to you with a gentle smile; “Don’t you dare. I would not have you any other way. Perish the thought I would...” * He'd purposefully placed you on the edge of the dancefloor for a reason. You knew that, and it was made more obvious by the way he watched those couples already embracing each other to the romantic music that filled the night air. You waited for him to voice the question that’d he probably thought he wouldn’t even get to ask of anyone this evening. And eventually he looked to you and took a nervous deep breath; “Do I get the pleasure of dancing with you?” You tipped your head, wondering if he would think you’d reject him – and decided you wouldn’t even tease him with the prospect; “What do you think I came here for?” He chuckled, touching the palm of his hand to yours; “You never want to dance with me...” You gave a delicate shrug, and looked away from him, blushing “...I’m wearing this dress... aren’t I...?” Keeping one hand in yours he freed his other gently from under your arm and caressed your face, tilting your chin with his fingertips so that you looked at him; “Is that the only reason you wore a dress like that...?” There was a smile there, like he knew but would say nothing more on it. You bashfully tucked your hair behind your ear; “No... but I figured if they were going to talk I would give them something to talk about...” “Why would they talk? Darling?” He meant besides the obvious – considering they had been talking all night. Your eyebrow raised “Because you are who you are... and I know the kind of people who frequent events like this.” “Mmm... as do I, and we shall pay them no mind...”  his eyes flicked to the dancefloor and then back to you “My lady, I would be so honoured if you could join me for this dance?” You giggled “...I would love to...” He pulled you with him, gently, allowing you to position yourself as you thought wise; and he worked around you. “Would you like to lead?” “Oh-! No; I am in your hands Captain!” Now you had turned the smile on his face into one of simple embarrassment and admiration; “...If she does so insist...” You gave a wink “Oh believe me, she does...” Now playing the leader on the dancefloor there wasn’t much difference to captaining his troupe. Only they were a group of men, and you were a one-woman army from just out of county. No less fierce, but matched with a sweetness and purity that let you hold your own with the people here AND those in your home town. Sophistication and street smarts - he liked that. You and Sarah had that in common which is also why he liked her so much. And you liked him leading you, that confidence in his hands and his embrace - because he knew exactly what he was doing - but that gentleness you expected from your captain. And he swept you across that dancefloor like you were the only two on it (...well, you were the only two people were talking about). It was good to be back in his arms; with him far enough away the majority of the time now the only time you could hold him this close (and got to be held this close) was in memories and dreams. And that was good, it was fine, but sometimes all you wanted was to revel in the sensation of human touch. His lead was gentle, and gave the illusion that maybe he wasn’t leading at all; he was asking you where you wanted to go, rather than pulling you there. Emmett was always so sweet and gentle; sometimes you wondered how he ended up where he was. The army wasn’t known for that after all, but, you supposed that didn’t stop them all from being gentleman... in fact, from the insight you had into the world, you had yet to meet a man who wasn’t. You let him have two or three dances before you decided you would be allowed to lead him off the floor. “What?” “I can only take so much staring before even I need a break!” You laughed “I promise, Captain, that’s not the end...” “I would hope not, the way you look tonight, it is an honour to hold you...” You shook your head gently, taking his other hand in yours - as he’d not let your hand go yet; “Baby, the honour is all mine...” There was another sensational buzz through the crowd - not unlike the one you were apparently causing, and you both turned to see what the commotion was about. And probably broke into a smile at the same time. Sarah and Drover. You turned to him, with a slight smirk; “Did you know they were coming?” He chuckled and nudged you; “I didn’t expect you to come from a few towns away... why would I think they were coming from Faraway Downs?” “I would think they would radio!!” “Ah! You got me there!” Emmett raised his hand to greet them, and upon spotting you both they approached you. Ah, the four of you were clearly content to create quite the Stir then. As soon as you’d all embraced in greeting, you were quick to point out this fact; “Ah-! I’m sure they’re lovin’ the dress!!” Drover winked “Coulda done without being dragged here, but we can be the two misfits, right?” You nearly snorted; “Speak for yourself!!!” Drover looked from Sarah to Emmett and back; “What, with these two?” “I s’pose you’re right!” You accented yourself a little more to better make his point. “Hush! Both of you...” Sarah clearly wouldn’t hear a word of it. Which made you feel slightly guilty by the look on Emmett’s face - your dress not your stature. So, you’d maybe worn it to get people to talk. You gave him an apologetic look, which only made him shake his head and pull you closer. Drover noticed this movement, and decided it was best to get the conversation back on a different track; “Anyone for drinks?! Let’s make this a party!” You thought that was a good call, it would help you unwind a little... Emmett offered to come with him but Drover waved away his help. “I got this, and I’m not about to drag the Captain away from his lady..” he gave you a wink, “besiddddes, I know you two get to see each other way less than we do... enjoy it!” He clapped Emmett on the back and off he went. ** “So how are you doing, out in the middle of nowhere?!” You took your drink from Drover gratefully and laughed; “That best be sarcasm! Me in the middle of nowhere?!” “Oh come on, no one knows anything about where you live-! Isn’t it like a two-street town?! Everyone’s at least heard of Faraway Downs!” Emmett came in to defend you; “Only since it was put back on the map!” “You gonna take credit for signing the contract? You ought to be promoting your girls’ town and all Emmett!” Your Captain laughed; “No, fairs fair... Sarah and yourself and everyone else involved drove those cattle to Darwin on your own terms. And I don’t need to promote it - the army is well aware of it considering how many women live there that are waiting on men like myself.” “So it’s an army town?” Drover squinted at you “It’s pretty quiet with the majority stationed up here, yeah.” “I see - you train down there?” “Mmm.” Emmett gave a nod; “Personally I didn’t start there but I did end up there.” “And no doubt found reason to stay!” Sarah gave you a smile “Ay to that!” Drover too tipped his beer, making you blush. To which Sarah laughed and put an arm around you. Sarah was sweet, you liked her a lot. Emmett had alleged more than once that the two of you could be sisters. Which made sense, she had that sweet but feisty nature that often came out in you. But, he had a point on the sister thing too; any time you wanted advice or needed someone to talk to whilst you were here, or indeed when you weren’t but had access to a radio with enough signal - you called her. You liked that she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, you could have trouble with that on occasion - especially if you didn’t know people, so you were in awe of her spirit. And you learned a lot from her. “Now stop, leave the poor girl alone!” Drover gaped at her “You started it!!!”  *** “You know what, I’m sick of all this talking with people staring! Why don’t we give them something to stare at?!” Drover put his empty bottle down. “I second that..!” Well if there was one thing you knew by the way Emmett took your hand in agreement, it was that he still wanted to show you off in the dance floor. Sarah shook her head at her other half, turning from her conversation with you – you liked knowing how they were getting on, although the adoption wasn’t official it was like they were all little family of their own. They surely seemed to get up to so many adventures together too, you liked hearing them – you liked thinking that maybe one day you’d want something similar for yourself. She pushed Drover gently; “Do you even remember how to dance?” He shrugged with a grumble that had you all laughing again; “I’m sure it won’t take too long to get back into it…” Now the four of you were on the dancefloor and the music had softened you wrapped your arms around Emmett’s shoulders and let him sway you, with the perfect gentleness to the turns. Still graceful, but much slower and he could really appreciate how beautiful you were - and you appreciate how handsome he looked in dress uniform, when you could stand in one place. “...I’ve been thinking...” It was as much out of the blue as it was quiet... And you tilted your head, to match the inquisitiveness in your eyes beholding his. “About what...?” “Sarah and Drover... adopting Nullah...” Your smile was playful, “What of it?” “Well... maybe we could get married...” You laughed, half in disbelief “That better not have been your proposal, Captain...” He shook his head “...No... but what if we didn’t adopt... what if we did... But what if we had children of our own? One day?” There was a few seconds pause as you tried to understand what he was really saying in the middle of a dancefloor in Darwin; he’s talking crazy, he’s too caught up in this moments and loving me and he’s talking crazy, but the more you looked into his eyes the more you realise how serious he was. “Is that what you want?” “Do you not...?” There wasn’t any disappointment there, even if you thought he’d be disappointed if the answer was no. He’s not talking crazy, he’s talking about a future he sees... a future he sees with me, no less... “Maybe I’ve just never thought about it...” you looked away from him for a moment, he needed more than that – he deserved more than that. Your eyes caught in his, waiting patiently for you; “I like it as a future with you... I see it... just not...” “Now...?” He shook his head, and pulled you closer to him “No...” his arms wound respectfully around your waist and he watched Sarah and Drover dance together over your shoulder “...But... maybe not in the too distant future either...” You pulled his eyes back to you, like something had come over you just thinking on this. About what you were doing here. What he was saying… “Kiss me...” “What?” “Right here, on the dance floor, kiss me...” He was hesitant, and his eyes flicked around at the other couples. Here you went again; Emmett was fighting with his nature. That the proper way to do this was without public displays of affection, but you felt that you’d already broken nearly every other etiquette rule in this societies very long and boring book. So you wanted this one. “Why would you want that...?” He made you giggle at what appeared to be genuine confusion “...Look at you, why wouldn’t I?” Now that was an awkward blush, and also incredibly cute. “Oh, you really want to give them something to talk about.” You gave a shrug “Emmett, they’re already talking...” He thought you had a good point, so he slowed you down, still in time to the music - to a gentle swaying turn. And then he leant in.  **  The first drop of rain made you pull slightly away from him. Like you weren’t sure exactly what had fallen, but before long it was joined by another, then another, then another and soon people were scrambling from the dancefloor (and in fact any part of the outside party) and up into the house. Because 5 drops became a downpour in seconds.  You and Emmett parted, but only to watch them all run, because the grip you had on each other’s hands was firm. What is a bit of rain? Except the musicians had also scattered and there would no longer be music. He laughed, watching them and turned back to you; “What do you suppose the big rush is?” By now your hair was soaked and your dress was going the same way but you didn’t care. Turning to answer him your voice, and then your laugh was drowned out by a clap of thunder overhead, you didn’t flinch - though thunder always made you uneasy, so you tried again; “Shall we dance? Captain?” He too laughed - looking relieved “I thought you’d never ask!!” With you both soaked and it hardly mattering now, Emmett could pull you closer than he had all evening. And with you wrapping him in your arms and laying your head on his chest that contented hum reverberated through you and into him. That only made him smile more as he wrapped himself in such a way to shield as much as you from the rain as possible.  You couldn’t help but try to then hide your giggles as you stared up towards the house; everyone that could stand in the door or at a window staring at you both like you were insane; “Darling, we have an audience...” He just gave a gentle shrug and kissed your head; “Well, they don’t know what they are missing...” Eventually you realised this was both dangerous and getting a little out of hand. The rain was turning from warm to cold fairly rapidly and you weren’t sure there was a part of you that was dry at this point. That didn’t stop him from shrugging himself out of his jacket and holding it over you when you decided to head from the party. “Will that help?” “At least it makes me feel like I am...” “Chivalry will get you everywhere Captain...” He chuckled “That’s just the man I am...” “I know...” you leant up to kiss his cheek; “and I must always thank you for it!”  *** When you eventually stepped inside of the room he was renting, you felt like your dress was holding at least a clouds worth of rain. And still the sky didn’t let up. You stood at the open double doors for a minute and your breath caught as you watched the spectacular lighting strikes fill the sky. Emmett wandered over and wrapped his arms back around you. You noticed every heating appliance had been turned on. “I could walk you home... or you could stay...” You ran you hand behind you, to caress his cheek “...I don’t want you getting wet again...” He kissed your palm gently; “Then stay... at least I know I can keep you warm, and dry and safe... that sky looks angry...” You nodded, you weren’t that big on thunder, but you had to at least admit out loud; “It’s breathtaking...” He smiled; nuzzling you - “...True... forces of nature always are beautiful...” You turned to him, in agreement, but your words got lost as the next flash of lightning illuminated his face and reflected stunningly in his blue eyes. At how alive they looked. So instead you pulled him into you, with a kiss. A kiss that was sweet, but an attempt to lead into so much more. “Alright...” He whispered against your lips, “...Alright...” with one arm still around you he kissed you once more, pulling one of the doors to and latching it in place as your hands ran from his neck to his tie; unravelling the neat sturdy knot that only an army officer could perfect (and only the partner of one could expertly undo!). You moved on to his shirt buttons, more tentative than you felt. This would be slow; he always loved you slow and delicate. Rushing this would get you nowhere. You pulled his shirt as you worked your way down it, so that it untucked itself with little effort, your lips still on his. Emmett kept one hand where it was, respectfully, but his other trickled up your exposed spine. His touch was enough to send delightful trembles over your skin. Now you were done with his shirt buttons you could press kisses into his own; across his collarbone as you slid his shirt down his arms. His kisses were gentle, like his sigh, as he touched them to your forehead, and the shell of your ear. Emmett liked that, the way you whispered promises into his skin for only you to ever know… He succeeded in making you giggle into his skin and you nudged him playfully, gathering your hands to the middle of his chest you held his gaze for a moment. “I love you…” The lightning flashed outside again, and he smiled; like you knew only he could – and only at you – Emmett placed his hands on yours, and kept you there over his heart for just a moment longer; “I love you too…” He let you claim his lips again and allowed you to slide your hands from his, down his body. You revelled in the warmth of him under your fingertips, how you could feel all those muscle groups he spent his most formative years work on, and still did needs must… Until you hit his belt buckle and stilled, half in hesitation. As if in answer to the question you weren’t even asking, his hands moved to fastenings on your dress. Still slow, at a rate that only he’d be happy with. You reciprocated that, and the notches in his belt passed through your fingers at exactly the same pace. Until he realised he had no more to undo, and you still weren’t finished with his. But Emmett was nothing if not patient; and his hands slid gently to your bare back again – letting your dress fall in a neat red puddle at your feet. You broke the kiss to let his pants join the other items of clothing. You bit your lips together to try and stop the blush rising across his cheeks happening to yours. Possibly to no avail. He pulled you from your dress and into him, arms around you he tipped your body to kiss you again. You wound your arms around him, feeling safe in his embrace as you ran your fingers into his hair. You would say to mess it up, with how neat he usually kept it, but the rain had already done most of your work for you. The crash of thunder, louder this time, was enough to make you both break from the kiss and turn back to the window. You pressed yourself a little further into him. Yes, you were safe here… “This might continue for a while…” His voice was soft, and he turned to the flickering lights “…Hmm…” Emmett rested his head gently on yours; wrapping you further in his arms. “…It’s a nice atmosphere…” That almost made you raise an eyebrow, were you not feeling the same thing – watching it roll across the horizon; bright white-blue flashes against the midnight black sky. “Well…” Your voice was quiet, but edged teasing “If it’s going to last a while… we may as well make the most of it…” His eyes flicked back towards the bed and to the lightning, then he laced his hands with yours to pull you back; “No doubt, I can keep you safe here…” --- @wrenx02 😘😘😘😘 He took me a little while, but Emmett is now yours! @dennismitchell @happyskywhale @wltz-bby #MendoTagSquad.