#bc I had to protect my peace and deserved to be treated better

[evansbby]

Happy new year, everyone!

[visionsofmagic]

⎯ I missed you.

[masterlist]

྾ pairing: Morpheus [aka dream of the endless, & sandman] x f!human!reader

྾྾ summary: after disappearing for over a century, Morpheus finally get his freedom again. as he takes his sand back he begins to find you, his beloved girlfriend or was at least, who has given a gift from him, a stone that stops aging like endless. however, everything turn into ashes as he sees your new life, with someone else.

྾྾྾ word count: 3.6k

྾྾྾྾ explanation: requested by an anonymous: “Still with you or treat you better with Morpheus x human reader. Chose any of these two songs bc I’m confused and I must this idea is quite interesting”. After reading this request I wanted to use both of them because they will work so good together! I hope you will like it! songs that used; treat you better by shawn mendes and still with you by jungkook from bts. thank you so much for your request dear anonymous! <3 I hope you and other readers will like this. <3

྾྾྾྾྾ warnings: a little of my own imagination [especially with this particular stone that helps person to not age at all], not comic related. angst, dream being angry & jealous, original character, cursing (just one), rough kissing, protective manner, lots of tears, fluff, misunderstanding.

     We laugh together, we cry together. These simple feelings were everything I had. When will it be? If I see you again, I will look into your eyes. And say, "I missed you”

                                                           &

     I know I can treat you better than he can. And any girl like you deserves a gentleman. Tell me, why are we wasting time. On all your wasted crying. When you should be with me instead?

                                                           ≡

  Dream was captured by Roderick Burgess on June 10, 1916. He had spent for over a century, in a glass, like a bird. Each passing time in that glass changed him. Thoughts, manners, and sympathy towards human were some of these changes in his character. Being humiliated by a mere human, not being able to move freely at all and making people suffer unintentionally because of this mere human’s own greed and hunger for power affected him, more than he expected.

However, not for a second, his love for his beloved human didn’t change. He started to find humans irritating creatures, just seeking for power and glory. Indeed, he felt anger towards them but not for you. Not even a little bit. Love in his heart for you didn’t extinguished. Contrast, it even increased because of realizing how much he missed you, how much he needed you and how many nights he found peace in his memories you two had.

You were belonged to each other. You were the reason why he kept hope in humanity. You were the most precious thing he had in his realm. In some certain days, he visited you in your dreams, sometimes with making his presence known to, on other times, being hidden to give you peace and seeing your peaceful face. Even if you asked him to do not control your own dreams, not turning them to good ones for all the time, he surely didn’t listen you. He didn’t want to see you suffering because of dreams you had, because of him.

He thought times you had together in his realms and in your world. Every time you laughed he put them in imaginary bottles to not forget them. Every time you cried on his shoulders, he promised you to be on your sides for eternity. Every time you kissed, he found himself tasting the sweetest flour of the whole realms. And every time you had intimate moments, he kept telling himself how he wanted to hold you inside his arms forever.

He even gave you a stone which he created with his own power in order to deign you an endless life. With this stone you wouldn’t die. You would be on his side for ever. It took him nearly 5 years to make you use this stone. You kept telling him how this was unfair for other people and it was totally against of your own human life. You didn’t want it. You thought there were other people who deserved the stone, not you. Your delicate heart touched his own one, if he had one. He knew if he really had a heart, physically, he would give it to you without thinking twice to make you live more.

After his confess about this whole situation, you accepted to wear it. That day, he was the happiest endless.

And today, he was the saddest.

He watched how his heart, you, was laughing with another man. Your laughs belonged to him. He was the one that you felt this happy with. He should be the one that stand on your side, not a random guy whose presence was nothing more except anger and pain.

How you could be happy if he wasn’t on your side? How long he had been gone to make you find happiness with someone else? Did you forget the love you held with him?

As painful questions kept traveling in his mind over and over again, he couldn’t help but making his dark presence noticed by you.

Eyes that spreading light, still, met with his now darkened ones due to feeling an unknown emotion in his chest. What was it, jealousy? No, he was not someone that can be jealous by a mere human’s presence. Not at all.

He saw how your face expression’s changed in a second. Firstly shock and confusion hit you. Then, sudden realization about who you were looking at. Lastly, some unreadable expressions filled your pretty face. He couldn’t name your emotions, changed in a second so fast, because of focusing more on the man’s hands travelling on your hands. Anger was filling each part of his internal body. Hands that missed to touch you turned to fists.

Even if he wanted to get closer to you, he stayed where he was, on the other side of the road, right in front of the café where you were in. He wanted to see your reaction first. He wanted to see your choice; acting like you didn’t see him at all or picking another option.

He was patient with you. He didn’t move at all ‘till you got your senses, understanding the situation. Then, he saw how you said something to other man who was looking at you in confusion, then to Morpheus. His blue eyes met with Morpheus’ dark colored ones. Morpheus’ attention turned from his eyes to you. That’s was when he realized how you rushed to leave café. Your body full of beauty appeared on his sight again as you left the café.

People were blurry for both of you. His eyes were focused on you while you nearly run towards him, passing some people and cars by risking your own life. He would tell you how reckless your action is normally but not now. He needed you to run to him. He waited so patiently ‘till you crossed the same floor that he stood on, opening your arms widely, and hugging him by his neck strongly, like he was your savior.

Your body’s warmth met with his cold one. His hands stayed on his sides, not making a move to hug you back. Even if you could feel his dark aura, you didn’t seem to mind. Hands stayed on his neck after stepping a little step to back to meet with his face, hurt tone that stayed in your voice that he didn’t hear for a long time. “Morpheus –“ Both of you felt sudden pain on your chests, you for finally being able to call him again and he for finally hearing the most beautiful voice, calling his name. How he missed to hear his own name that came from out of your mouth.

“I – You – How –“ You couldn’t keep going. With shaking voice and hands, tears began to fall from your eyes. They were real. He knew it. However, he couldn’t tell why you were crying, for you or him. Maybe both at the same time. His anger was no longer a barrier between you after seeing these tears. His hands immediately held your face, catching every tear from falling to your cheeks.

“I – I can’t –“

“I know.” This time it was your turn to feel heavy due to hearing his voice.

You touched his face with your soft hands. They travelled from here to there on his face. Then, hands began to touch more; hair, neck, shoulders, and arms. As hands stopped on his messy hair, you said, “God, Morpheus,” You tried to stop crying, “I – I missed you so much!”

Then you hugged him again. And finally, he hugged you back.

People kept walking pass from them, still blurry. In that moment, neither of them thought something else except each other. Their bodies melted with each other’s warm touches. His coldness was already warming thanks to feeling you inside his arms, finally.

Oh, how he missed you too.

‘ ‘ ‘

  “Good evening Ms. Hedy.”

You put a smile on your face as entered the apartment you lived in. One of the neighbors, Ms. Hedy who liked you like you were her own daughter she never had, was leaving the apartment at that moment. Her eyes looked you, then to Morpheus with a clear curiosity.

“Good evening to you my little girl,” If only she’d knew how older you were, you thought. “Who is this pretty gentleman?”

You smiled widely, pointing Morpheus who was keeping his silence, “He is Morpheus –“

“Oh, is this the gentleman you were talking about?” She closed their gaps a little to study Morpheus’ face more, “Hello there young man,” She smiled warmly, “Y/n talked so much about you,” She turned to you, whispering like Morpheus were not there at all, “I can see why you have such a love for this gentleman, my little girl. He is good one.”

Morpheus turned to you after lady’s confession, making your cheeks turn to color of pink instantly. “Ms. Hedy!”

“All right, all right. I will leave now but visit me tomorrow.” She pointed Morpheus, “We have so many things to talk.”

Then she left with a little chuckle. You tried to act like this didn’t happen. Morpheus followed behind as you walked towards your house on the second floor of the apartment. Silence between you stayed ‘till both of you entered the house, a place no one to disturb. There were only you now. Hot feelings began to rise in your chest. Tickles on your neck and palms made you realize he was real. Morpheus was real and he was in your house.

You pointed couch for him to sit. As he sat down finally, you began to walk from left to right in front of him. Love you held in your heart, soul and body was like a phoenix. After seeing him, this phoenix came back to life again with its ashes. After a really long time, you felt alive. Yes, so many questions were distracting you from the world but every gaze he gave to you made you focus on him instead these questions. They would be answered sooner. However, he could disappear suddenly. This fear made you sick.

“How – I mean – How –“ You tried to start a conversation, but words weren’t coming from your mouth. There were so many different feelings at the same time, hard to carry.

Morpheus who is only one can understand you fully without you saying any word, nodded slowly, “I was going to send back a nightmare to my realm that had left it without permission.” Your tensed body didn’t unnoticed by him. “This man, called as Roderick Burgess, captured me to seek power he desired so much.” His voice was filled with anger. As he kept telling his story slowly with a little information, you couldn’t help but kneel down in front of him. Your hands touched his kneecaps, your head rested on his left thigh. Your sudden closeness made you two become silence for a certain moment.

Even if a hundred, maybe more, years passed since the last time you both shared a touch, it didn’t feel like it. Indeed, you felt so lonely, so much pain in these years that felt like eternity, but now, it looked like years past so quickly. Like there was no pain in your body now. However, there was. There had to be. So many years without him changed you. You weren’t the same woman with so much happiness and joy. Without him, the world seemed as hell.

“I am so sorry.” You touched his cheek, caressing it. “I am so sorry that I couldn’t save you.”

“Why?” You knew what he was referring to with this question; why you didn’t come, why didn’t you try more.

“He said –“ You tried to speak, taking your hand back, looking anywhere except his heart breaking face, “He said you were dead.”

“Corinthian?”

“Is this his name?”

He nodded, “He’s the nightmare who escaped from my realm.”

His memories flashed in your memory, making your hands shake. Morpheus held them immediately, “Did he hurt you?”

You shook your head, negatively, “No. Surprisingly. He just said you were that and I could give him the stone.” You looked the necklace on your neck. “I escaped somehow. I think he let me go. To play mickey and kitty game, I suppose.” You looked at him again, “He is bad. He is so bad.”

Empathy filled his face. Iceberg in his heart already began to melt thanks to your presence. It was just an hour together but you already began to affect him in better ways. Wounds on his soul, if he had one, were healing. You were his cure.

“I tried to see a dream or even a nightmare. I tried to access to your realm but there was none. It was like everything left with you.” You chest’s heaviness increased with each confess, “If I could get in touch with Lucienne, things would be better.” You touched his face with both of your hands, “You would be better. I am so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” It wasn’t. “I appreciate your efforts.”

He both sounded genuine and sarcastic at the same time. Your face show how much this made you confused. Was he thinking you didn’t try enough?

“I tried, Morpheus.” You stood up, “I fucking tried but there was no way for me to get in touch with you.” You turned your back to him, whispering yourself more, “There was no way.” Tears began to fall. “You were gone.”

After a long silence, he stood up too. Thanks to his now calmer aura you felt on your back, you came to your senses.

He asked, “Who was he?”

That’s was when you remembered Robert, your current best friend that you left in your favorite café a hour ago with a sudden explanation how you saw an old friend after a long time. He said it was okay and let you go. You knew his feelings about you, love as he told, but you were already in love. With no one other than Dream Lord’s himself.

“He is a friend of mine. He does magic.” You spoke with only truth, “We met when I was seeking powerful magician to help me.”

“When?”

“25 years ago.” You turned to him, “He is using magic to slowing down aging.”

“Apparently.” That was all Morpheus told before a raven’s mouth’s tip your window. You opened it immediately, realizing this was another raven that you saw on Morpheus’ side.

Without using its power to fly, raven just took some steps towards you, looking curiously, then, to Morpheus, “Man, it was so hard to find this place. Why you left so suddenly?”

Morpheus looked annoyed, “I told you to not follow me.”

“Yes, I hear this a lot today but what difference it makes? None.”

You chuckled how this raven had encourage to talk with Morpheus in this way. Your chuckle made him turned to your direction, tilting its head to right to study you.

“Y/n.” You said, “His girl –“ You fixed, “One of his old friends.” You didn’t know if Morpheus still felt love in his heart for you, so, it was better to call yourself as an old friend.

“Matthew, my lady.”

You smiled, “How gentleman you are Mr. Matthew the raven. Pleasure to meet you.”

His wings raised a little to greet you, “The pleasure is mine.”

You turned to annoyed Morpheus, feeling real happiness today, “He is cute. You should be friend with him.”

His arrogant face didn’t leave; instead, he just changed the subject.

“This friend of yours –“

“Robert.”

“Robert.” He stopped for a second, “Are you two –“

You immediately shook your head, “No, no.” You took a deep breath, “We are just friends, Morpheus.”

“It didn’t look like it.” His anger was rising.

“What are you trying to say?” You felt anger inside too. Was he really thinking you were in love with another man?

The moment he left his mouth to say something, a knock came from door, hinting you there was someone to visit you at this hour of evening. You wondered who this unexpected visitor was, quickly opened it, not reliving inside that much to the visitor.

However, as you see Robert’s concerned face, you surprised. Right now, you were talking about him and you saw how Morpheus felt irritation with his presence on your life. This is going to be bad, you thought as you tried to put a smile on your surprised face, “Robert?” You could feel Morpheus piercing eyes on your back, “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, “I wanted to see you are okay.” He tried to look inside, which was covered with your body.

“Of course I am okay. What wouldn’t I?”

“Because you left so quickly with this man and I thought –“

“What did you thought?” Morpheus’ strong hold on your door opened it suddenly, reliving his face to Robert who looked surprised at how this strange man was in your apartment. You weren’t someone who was taking many people to your apartment as he knew thanks to 25 years you spent together.

Morpheus tall body was right behind you, covering yours with his stronger posture. You could feel his chest on your back, alerting you to how angry he was.

“Hello,” Robert tried to act cool with him, “I am Robert. Y/n’s friend.”

Morpheus kept his silence.

Robert’s hand rested on his back hair, “I just wanted to see my friend is okay.”

You spoke, “I am Robert. Don’t worry.” You pointed Morpheus, “He is Morpheus.”

Sudden realization appeared on Robert’s face. From what you saw, he felt sadness too. After all, Morpheus was the one who your heart belonged to.

“Oh,” He nodded, “I see.” Put a smile on his face, “Then, I should leave you two alone.” You smiled as well. You would definitely hug him if Morpheus saw him not as enemy, but a friend. “I am glad you are back, Dream Lord.”

He then left without any other word. You really felt bad for him but you promised yourself that you would gain his heart again, as a friend of course.

After closing the door, you looked at Morpheus, turning to his direction but keeping your closeness. You wanted to say something but after being in this close with him, chest to chest, head to head, words became blurry on your head. You already forget where you was, what time was it, and what happened a minute ago.

Now, it was just him. Him only.

Heavy feelings made their places knowledgeable again. However, you felt good emotions too; peace, happiness and love at its highest. So many years past. So many years with his absence. However, your love for him didn’t decrease even a little bit. Instead, it increased each day. With each passing day, you saw how your world was meaningful with his presence on it. You weren’t someone to rely on someone else but he was different. He was Dream Lord, Endless. He was the Sandman. Mostly, he was Morpheus. Your Morpheus. He was meant everything for you. The moment you met with him in his own realm, you knew how he would took your soul at his own as well as your heart. They were no longer yours only, they were his too. Like his soul and heart were also yours.

“Y/n,” He said, weakly. After a long pause, in which he had so many emotions on his eyes that you loved to look, he said, finally, “I missed you.”

That was the last thing that made you lose control. That was the last thing you remembered as your lips met with his. With great hunger, lust and love, you began to kiss like it was the last time you would kiss freely. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. All you knew was with each kiss you both would share; you would kiss like it was your last.

His cold lips’ warmed with yours, his hands on your waist, yours on his neck, pulling him close. You didn’t care that you needed air to breath after this kiss. You just simply enjoyed it without thinking at all. Morpheus’ lips were the sweetest liquor and you were going to drink all of it.

He took two steps to forward, making your back meet with your now closed door. In seconds your lips were departed, you took a deep breath only to meet with his lips again. Hunger, lust and love were rising. His hands were travelling on your body as well yours on his. This was going to be a night in which you would make love to each other like past times. You wouldn’t stop ‘till daylight. So many things would happen until you both show how much you missed one another. This night was going to be a long one.

He broke the kiss for a moment to say, “You know, I can treat you better than anyone else. Right?”

First, you were too drunk thanks to his lips and intense warmth to understand what he was referring to. Then, you realized. A smile appeared on your face, “Are you jealous, Dream Lord?”

He looked angry, “Me?” He kissed you passionately, “Never.” He began to kiss your neck, saying, “I just wanted to make you realize that there isn’t a single creature that gives you what you deserve.” He even bite your neck a little bit, sending vibration to your core. “I am the only one.”

A moan escaped from your mouth as he placed his hands on your lower part, suddenly, with a great but gentle power, “I am the only one for you, Y/n.”

You tried to nod, “You are Morpheus.” You kissed his lips again, “You are the only one for me. For the whole eternity.”

And this was the last logical thing came out of your mouth that night.

Morpheus finally was there, with you. And you knew how he would take his whole revenge from these years you spent separately, which you would accept with such joy.

love, rose <3

[ofgentleresolve]

hunger games au for my muses ( mana and patrick ) bc i have fallen down a rabbit and will not be able to concentrate on anything else until i have at least written out the basics of what i came up with in the last two days-

Okay so…we’ll start with the basics: mana, calum, daniel, and patrick all live in district 3.

mana

grew up with her grandma in one of the poorer sectors of district three. her mother disappeared a long time ago and her father, who had been from the merchant sector, remarried someone from that sector and more or less doesn’t consider her his child.

is childhood friends with calum and daniel, both boys who were from a wealthier sector- an odd trio that strangely worked; she was familiar with the backalleys of district three ( daniel bc he was curious and wanted to see more of the outside world and calum, because he was worried they would get caught ).

she’s good with a knife...especially throwing knives for defense’s sake.

calum was adopted by the family who ran the apothecary...treated more like a free pair of hands rather than an actual son.

mana always took out two tesserae for herself and her grandma and forbid either calum or daniel from taking any out for her as well.

when they’re sixteen, calum is reaped for the 73th games. daniel volunteers for him and while he does make it to the final four, is killed by a career in the midst of protecting another.

a day after the victory parade, calum mysteriously disappears as well....

which brings us to the 74th hunger games...which mana is reaped into

patrick

okay so we gotta go back at about twenty years ago- he grew up in a community home but when he was nine, was luckily adopted by a relatively wealthy couple in district three after showing an aptitude for learning quickly. they gave him an education, enough so that he could read.

read obsessively from then on. think of belle’s home life from b*eauty and the b*east

has a dear beloved friend ( hyuk is that you ) growing up and kept in touch with him even after he was adopted.

took out one tessrae for that friend whenever the reaping came around because he didn’t want that friend to starve. life could be better but it’s not terrible-

that is until he’s sixteen. just two more years until he and his friend are safe from being reaped- patrick’s name is not drawn from the jar but-

his dear friend’s is.

patrick’s stomach drops. no. no.

a life without his dear friend? the one person who is his rock, his family, and more?

patrick volunteers to take his place. he doesn’t know what scares him more; the fact he’s just signed up for his own death or the fury and despair that comes out of his dear friend as a result.

he promises his dear friend he’ll try to come out alive.

miraculously he does come back. well, not completely.

it’s only after the games does he realize that dying is easy. living is harder.

sometimes he can’t help but think since the day he was reaped, he’s been living in a nightmare...as a victor, one of the few from district three, that means he’s in charge of mentoring the tributes at least every other year.

a horrendous cycle between peace and violence, the kind where he will continually keep sending children to their imminent deaths.

one hope spot: a few years after his victory, he meets a young woman in his district. felicity. felicity who feels like the sunrise after a dark, dark night. felicity, who he confides in about the horrors of the games, about how he feels like a monster, how he doesn’t deserve to be happy- and yet she understands better than anyone else.

he can’t help but think if she and his dear friend are by his side, maybe he’ll be okay-

looking back, he knows he was naive; it was too good to be true. or maybe it was his fault for seeking a way to end the games, find the resistance-

because one night, felicity is executed by the peacekeepers. the crime makes no sense, but patrick gets the message loud and clear from president snow: you belong to the capitol.

how he managed to survive after that, is unbeknownst to him ( it wasn’t a pretty sight either ). life goes on, until that faithful day on the reaping of the 73rd hunger games. a young man volunteers to save his friend. the past repeats itself right before patrick’s eyes.

although that young man dies, his fire does not. when the girl who carries that same flame sits before him on the way to capitol, patrick, for once believes.

perhaps there is a way out, after all.

[saintobio]

It's hard for me to agree with yn saying she's become worse than gojo. Her INTENT has to be considered. She wanted to protect herself and not suffer anymore from this hell and lie of a marriage.

His intent when he treated yn as a punching bag for his frustrations was spite. A person who didn't know what she was getting into when she married him😞

I still think gojo is the worse one out of the 2. If were placing them on a moral scale then yn is white that can go to gray when pushed there. Gojo is gray going into black and he chooses to walk there.

The only thing that can be judged was her hiding the kid BUUUUTTTT if she didn't would she have had the peace she deserved? Would gojo respect boundaries and leave her alone?

Anonymous said

Not people saying they don’t like y/n anymore after what she went through… like yeah she fucked up keeping sachiro from him, but that was the first selfish thing she did for herself. I know that satoru changed for the better, and that’s amazing, but y/n truly suffered from him being so callous and spiteful towards her, with the cheating and the comments. And the worst part is that he never came clean to her about the stuff with Sera and why he even married her, regardless of if his motivations changed. I think they could’ve had a chance had he came clean from the jump, but he thought he could put a bandaid on the issues their marriage had. Did you guys forget bora bora? And the fact that he literally through their marriage away? Not to say that he didn’t have character development, but think about how that affected y/n and her mindset. Her trust issues were understandable and her heartbreak was absolutely valid. She didn’t handle things in the best way sure, and criticism is totally valid too, but the best place to stay on the situation is neutral bc satoru hurt her to the point where she felt that was all she could do, and she hurt him by hiding his son from him. Both are in the wrong and both need to truly heal.

So Saint, I’m not asking who ends up with who, but I just want to know if the characters, especially gojo and y/n will be okay, like not in their relationships, but will they have sorted through their personal issues in the end? I really just want them to be okay as people and to have peace of mind. I’m glad you’re back and I hope both sides of your pillow are cold!!

Anonymous said

I'll sticky by yn until she does something REALLY fucked up by my standards.

And we have to go back again to the yn controversy both inside and outside the story😩

Here's something to think about.

When does a victim become a bad? Should yn be a self sacrificing person and let gojo see her and her son despite her OWN personal feelings? Her discomfort. The betrayal pain she felt when the truth of their marriage revealed. So now that gojo is the one suffering should what yn went through in their marriage be forgotten to make way to focus on gojo's? Not to devalue gojo's suffering but i honestly can't have that much sympathy for him because of of the things he did at the start of sn😒

This really brings up this gender issue where woman are expected to be self sacrificing and nice in rl and in fiction no matter the abuse they face. We're always expected to be forgiving and give 2nd chances no matter how we feel.

Anonymous said

Idk why people hate on mc, I mean aside from lying i don’t think she did anything wrong. Cheating is pretty serious trauma which I experienced myself. And about toji and her? She at least deserves to be happy, my girl barely was happy for 28 years of her life. I’m sorry but I support her

Anonymous said

Hello!

The chapter you posted is amazing!

I honestly understand how OP feels at the moment I don’t really understand all the hatred for her rn when mostly all of us were rooting for her to leave Hojo ,

Like I wouldn’t want my child to be raised by a man who cheated on me and hurt me consistently and tried using me for an emergence to then divorce me and Marry his mistress ,

Im not saying what OP did was right either but at the same time Gojos actions are his own doing

Anonymous said

I'll give gojo's mom a pass since she may not know the FULL story but geto, he was there during bora bora. He saw yn almost drown to find the ring and confronted satoru after he was done fucking sera raw after finding the ring or while it was happening.

I get that gojo is his friend and he'll stick by him than our mc yn😒

i like how one anon pointed out that the best way to view their situation is by staying neutral bc both sides were wrong and it’s not a competition to say who had it worse in order to justify one side more than the other. like nope, they both suffered. both have been selfish, whether they have reasons or not. it’s a matter of finding their common ground minus all the lies and resentment. (so fo answer ur question 2nd anon, yes hopefully they’ll learn to sort things out but i def won’t finish this series with a loose ending this time)

i don’t completely agree with yn’s actions nor do i agree with gojo’s (i gotta stay neutral bc i’m the author 😹) it’s just that i feel like some people are on this ‘hate yn train’ without understanding the depth of the situation. only some, though. others have good enough reasons.

[osha-janitor]

(( ooc the start of a new event,,, story is mostly under the cut bc long ))

It was supposed to just be another day. Another calm, peaceful moment in the relative stillness that had taken over OSHA. Nothing too groundbreaking or reality warping happening. Just smaller, slightly less life-or-death situations here and there. Nothing... awful. Just a normal, quiet day.

Utur and Kish were resting on the grounds, chatting casually underneath one of the trees, heads resting together as they spoke, quietly. Mostly meaningless things - shapes in the clouds, the smell of flowers, and things like that. Just... little things, to pass the time.

Without warning, a loud crack ripped through the air, as if someone had thrown a giant marble statue at a concrete floor. A dark pink crack in the air flickered to life, then split open into a large, round rift. It glowed ominously, and while the other side was obscured, there was clearly a figure through the other side.

A figure who was immediately stepping through.

Utur pulled Kish close to them, protectively, as the familiar form of Alam stepped through the rift, carefully, as if he expected to trip. Utur and Kish stared at him for a while, in silence, as Alam did the same, blue eyes meeting blue and green as the quiet stretched on uncomfortably.

A moment later, and Alam dropped to his knees, clearly either bowing or grovelling in front of the other two, and when he spoke, his words were some Utur had never expected to hear from him in their life.

"I am sorry for the way I treated both of you. I was wrong. My actions were wrong."

Utur paused, watching him with an expression of disbelief. They'd never thought they would hear anything like that from Alam save for in their wildest, most desperate dreams.

"You Are?"

The quiet, desperate hope in Kishar's voice broke Utur's heart to hear. They knew how much Alam meant to them. How much they wanted him to be proud of them, to love them... And with how they'd been trying so desperately to be a better person, they were already predisposed to giving people the benefit of the doubt...

"I am. I do not know how long it has been for you since I was last here, but I had a lot of time to do nothing but reflect on my actions, and... I realised I was wrong. I treated you poorly because I did not think you were a real person. I was egotistical and thought I was always in the right, even though I did terrible, awful things that were never justifiable. I manipulated you, Utur, because of your feelings... I used the fact that people looked up to me for my own ends. I was a terrible person."

... they had to be dreaming. Right? Alam coming back, realising he had done wrong, apologizing and recognising that he had been a bad person... that can't be real, right?

"I cannot attone for what I have done to the rest of my apprentices, but... I can at least try and make up for what I have done with you two. If there is any way I can repent for what I have done, please... I want to. You deserved better."

Utur couldn't stop Kishar from flinging themself at Alam, clinging to him tightly and nuzzling his shoulder, happy tears streaming from their eyes.

"It-It Is Okay! You Recognise You Were Wrong, Um! You, You Can Start Learning How To Be A Good Person Now!"

They watched closely as Alam hugged Kishar back for the first time in either of their lives, Kishar purring loudly as they hid their face in Alam's shoulder... like a child seeing their parent for the first time after a while apart. This felt... wrong. Alam would never admit he'd made a mistake. Never admit he had flaws. And Kishar... poor Kishar, too forgiving, desperately clinging to the idea that anyone can be a good person.

Utur paused, watching the other two. Something was... up. For Alam to be acting like this... there had to be a reason, right? Some underlying plan, some... something. He couldn't have really just... decided to change. That's not the kind of person he was. What was his game here...?

"i... i can't trust that you've just decided to improve. not after everything."

Alam gave them a sad smile, and if they didn't know him they'd almost believe he was being genuine.

"I understand. I have manipulated you too much to trust me, and I will not ask for you to give me the benefit of the doubt. But I hope to at least begin making up for the harm I have caused."

He smiled, and Utur cursed their traitorous heart, feeling it leap at the sight. Why? Why can't they just get rid out their damnable feelings for this man? Whatever his plan is right now, they need to be on their toes, so they can protect Kishar, not melting just because he smiled at them!

Something was amiss. Something was up. Either Alam was planning something... or...

Or he was laying a trap.

Either way, Utur wasn't going to let themself or Kish get caught in it. Not again. Not him. This time, they were going to protect themself. Protect Kishar.

They were never falling for Alam's tricks again.

[neoraso]

royal guard!minho

requested | some gender neutral hc for how he starts to wish he was maybe more than just a guard to you 

to put things lightly, minho was the ace of your entire guard

like he was better than anyone …at everything

so originally he was on (your father) the king’s immediate guard

he was nothing but professional and saved the king too many times to count even from like stepping on rocks idk 

when you turned like 17 and had to do more public appearances obv u were in a lot more danger so ur father jumped at having minho reassigned to u as the head of your personal guard “nothing but the best for his child”

the first time you met him… he only nodded or said yes or no to everything u asked him n ur jus like ok not much of a talker that’s not so bad ig haha ʕʘ‿ʘʔ

he was so quiet and “polite” for months despite you constantly trying to get something out of him

ur other guards always tried not to laugh bc if only u knew he had like two friends and was generally a pretty serious guy

but one day there was a festival in your kingdom’s central city so obv you had to make an appearance which u were very excited abt bc you only get to go into town like twice a year and THIS was one of those times

being “of age” and that much closer to taking the throne you might as well have painted a big red target on your head to signal people against the throne

everything was going fine, everyone was having fun and you decided to visit some of the booths and musicians around the square

minho was already suspicious of the situation and tightens the rest of your guard without u evenn rlly noticing but like

just as you turned to show these cute little candies to minho to maybe get a reaction for once -

the second he looks at you, someone moves to grab you but the flash of a knife in his other hand causes minho to jump immediately into action

honestly who knows what rlly happened minho moved so damn fast but the next thing you know, ur in the middle of your whole guard squad

looking through the gaps of their shoulders you see minho pinning down your assailant with a blade against his neck waiting for someone to arrest him even though he rlly wanted to just execute the guy right there 

the festivities were kind of killed for u after that bc you and your family were rushed back home which u might’ve been more sad abt if u werent in so much shock :<

obv minho was the one to escort you back but like all he said was “you’re okay?” and after u dumbly nodded with wide eyes he walked with you but kept a hand around your shoulder

no one really talked after that which wasn’t unusual for him but in his mind he was rlly like 

“?? ok i know its literally my job to protect this family but?? hm whyyyy do i seem to care sm more rnnn??//?” help him sdhskjd

u just looked so shaken up and disappointed and suddenly he was like damn </3 they rlly have no fun in their life and this one time they could was ruined :///

u had to stay inside for weeks after that bc it turns out there was a whole conspiracy to “eliminate” your family line so you waited in safety until the criminals were “taken care of” 

minho had everything triple checked around the castle for your safety and secretly made sure you had extra treats and warm drinks sent to your room sometimes with little notes that he had the cook pretend to have sent because lately he’d heard you had trouble sleeping sometimes he’s shy boy aw

he started to realize how much he had gotten used to your smile and your little jokes and the way you sometimes tripped on the corners of rugs. and he thought maybe it was a good thing you guys didnt have many interactions lately because he was way too attached

you on the other hand, couldnt even rlly complain about having to stay inside so much bc you had everything you needed and- you knew it was for ur safety but- it wassss kind of suffocating at times

u tried sneaking out at first ((just to the garden!!)) which obviously was a bad idea bc it’s impossible to get past minhos fcking hawk eyes lmao

he STILL didnt say anything like he would just follow right behind you

n like u kinda huffed but whatever honestly at least it was just him and not 15 other guards like everyone acted like you needed

plus it was somewhat comforting to have someone so solid around even if he never talked smh

one night you sat near the little pond and tried to calm your mind by watching how the moonlight rippled in the water

you can feel him behind you so u just turn around and look at him ignoring how he was already looking at you

 “would you at least sit with me?”

he kind of hesitates bc …what if someone tried to come up behind you? but with the sad look on your face he cant help but give in and sits on the stone bench at the opposite end of you

it becomes actually somewhat peaceful until you just decide to ask everything you’ve been wondering n u just blurt out-

“would it kill you to talk with me once in a while? i mean, talk like a normal person and not a machine? i dont bite i promise..”

he furrows his brow bc he’s shocked you cared at all and also he doesnt rlly know how to respond without being like “its not really in my job description to make conversation” but he honestly just thought you were being talkative out of niceties.

 before he could even form a sentence you continued,

“i mean- i’m always trying to get your attention. i dont get to meet many people for obvious reasons but my guards are the closest people to me-literally, and i dont want there to be a big gap between us just because of my status..”

he cuts you off before you ramble yourself to death 

“i didn’t know you were this troubled by it… i just take my job very seriously and i dont want to risk anyone’s safety for the sake of conversation”

u almost roll ur eyes but not wanting to be rude ur just like “even at home? i know you’re serious about your duties, believe me, i just… i get lonely.”

smthing inside him literally breakkkssss when you say that like u are such a pure and sweet person that deserves to have all the love and friends and fun in the world so he just gets quiet for a second and looks down

“im sorry.” he said it so softly you almost didnt hear him “i’ll be there for you more- if thats what you need. im essentially in charge of your safety and care and i’ll do anything to fulfill that responsibility.”

ok.

well this was good right? so why did you still feel unsatisfied?

“i dont want to just be a responsibility, cant we just be like friends? or…”

you cut yourself off before talking too much again

you had to admit to yourself you had developed a bit of a liking for minho, not just because he was probably the most handsome person in your kingdom, not even just because he saved your life, but he had really been a pillar of security in your life and you respected his loyalty and ambition.

he was more than admirable and everything you wanted as a standard for your kingdom

sometimes you let your mind wander to him getting on one knee and leading alongside you..

no, now youre getting sidetracked and delusional and he can practically hear the gears turning in your head so he stands up and reaches his hand out for you to grab 

“of course you’re more than a responsibility to me, come on, lets go inside it’s getting cold.’

taking his hand and realizing the conversation was over, you moved to link arms instead  as he walked you all the way to your bedroom door 

u slept a lot better that night 

from that point on you could not get rid of minho 

like everyone was borderline uncomfortable with how jarring his change in attitude was 

like he was constantly behind you looking right over your shoulder or grabbing your arm to stop you from bumping into things

even when he wasnt technically on duty he had taken it upon himself to give you little lessons in archery and even some defensive moves to help you protect yourself in case someone wasnt fast enough to help you 

your tried not to get flustered every time he adjusted your form and the way you could feel his breath behind your ear

or the head pats when he walked you to your room at night

or his hand on your back when you guys would take walks in the garden

honestly it did not take long until one night you were sat next to your pond and after some comfortable small talk you noticed how close his face was to yours

but he noticed you didn’t pull away even as he leaned in closer and finally just kissed you

when he pulled away and saw your eyes still closed and how soft you looked his heart almost exploded

“i didnt mean to make things weird i just,, couldnt help myself, sorry”

his rushed confession pulls you out of your daze and you’re so happy (a little shocked) but you’re quick to reassure him

“it’s ok, i’ve been wanting you to do that for a while …”

he’s jus like “rlly?😳”

obviously this complicates things a lot and you aren’t really sure if you would even be allowed to have a relationship with minho bc of ur position

or if he would get in trouble for breaking the rules of attachment to u

all of this is kind of racing thru both of ur minds as you look at each other but you laugh after u both start talking at the same time

you prod him to go first so he grabs your hands and says like

“look i care about you a lot, and i know we’re not really supposed to be doing this but if i can be by your side … beyond my duties…i would really love to. but if we can’t, i can survive with just being here to protect and serve you in anyway i can”

he’s so honest and genuine and earnest it shocked u a little

even tho you were uncertain abt the situation as well you knew you had grown a little too fond and dependent on minho that you would do anything to make it work

luckily an arranged marriage was not required for you so that wasnt really the issue, but falling in love with someone not at all royal..? it was a daunting thought how the idea would be perceived 

you wouldnt have said anything if you both weren’t completely sure of your feelings;  but you really could not imagine being content or safe spending your life with anyone else so you mustered up the courage to ask the king and queen…

when you brought it up to your parents they looked pretty concerned

minho went on the whole “i’ll do anything to protect them and this kingdom” speech and your father just waved him off and was like

“i know u would …. i’ll allow it because there’s really no one better to represent the kingdom and because i want only the best for my child ;)”

u and minho were literally in shock but just quietly said thank u and left the room

when you had privacy he immediately pulled you in for a kiss (maybe several all over ur face)

you had a lot to figure out and many responsibilities but now you had an amazing person by your side to help you through it :.) <3

[nexyra]

Okay so This is just a way to let out some frustration so I can put it out there and stop mulling on it bc I'm bad at this sort of stuff - Feel free to ignore it

I'm putting this under Read More; if your fav past-time is to call anyone who likes Ironwood's character or was disappointed by his V8 turn to villainy a stupid bootlicker who "should have seen the signs he was always a tyrant !!" please don't interact with this post. You're ultimately free to think what you want but honestly I see enough of that in the main tag when left alone, I don't need it on my blog it doesn't make me feel good.

Anyone else... well you can read if you're interested but you don't have to either. Feel free to respectfully disagree though, I'm not that bullheaded that I can't partake in a friendly argument =) I'll just be listing some things about Ironwood's reading by the FNDM who get old or draining as someone who doesn't like the V8-characterization they went with

Can people please stop just... copy/pasting real world issues on a world/characters that have nothing to do with them or a completely different context ?

Like,, I genuinely try to educate myself on real-world issues. I know I'm rather privileged so I try to listen and hear out people who speak out about the issues they live through day by day. I know why the "ACAB" moniker exists. I understand the problem that lies within the american police system (and likely other countries as well). I see why the army, on our blue planet, is criticized & its many failings. Etc, the list can go on...

But I'm sorry to say, Remnant isn't OUR Earth. Their Army's primary job is to fight actual evil soulless monsters, not people. The Ace Opps or Huntsmen are not an organization directly inherited from slave-hunting groups. James Ironwood isn't the US army general bombing Middle East. Clover Ebi isn't the racist cop you want in prison. So WHY are they treated as such by so many people ? Stories are not a 1-1 where you can take everything you know and just apply it to a completely different world.

Has Atlas been presented as a country that suffers from racism & classism ? Certainly. Has it be shown this way ? That's already more debatable since the only racist arguments we got were in Mantle (which is the city we're supposed to be rooting for so that's a weird choice but eh it's whatever). Are the characters, as persons, shown to evoke these issues in a way that deserve our scorn ? Not really.

Is Ironwood depicted as particularly racist for example ? I wouldn't say so seeing as one (or more considering Tortuga) of his Ace-Opps are Faunus & it seems perfectly accepted; and he hates Jacques Schnee's guts. So why does he get to shoulder all of our real-world issues as if he was responsible for them, in a context where (pre V8) his army had most likely never killed anything else than Grimm and was shown to elicit very positive reactions from most of the population (V3) ? (In direct contrast to the polarization that the US army might evoke for example.)

You can totally hate Ironwood because of the feelings he evoke, the trope he stems from or the parallels to be made. That doesn't mean however, that he IS truly guilty of every one of OUR world issues (pre-V8)

Just because classism is prevalent in Atlas society does not make Ironwood the figurehead & leader of this issue.

Is classism an issue in Atlas ? Yes. That's been made clear because of Mantle's state as well as Jacques Schnee entire existence & even Cinder's backstory. Does that mean every single one of Ironwood's decisions reeks of classism ? NO

Trust me, as someone who found Ironwood's V8 characterization not... well-executed & too much; there's nothing more annoying than being assaulted by posts about his fall going "it was so obvious !! look at -" only for them to then list reasons in a really biased way or even headcannons based on (again) irl problems. An exemple...

Reasons his turn was good that I see thrown around : "Ironwood left Mantle behind because he only wanted to save the rich. He's a selfish coward & an asshole !"

What we were actually given : "Ironwood suffers from PTSD, and faced with Salem's imminent arrival, he tried to save what he was CERTAIN to be able to protect aka the flying city and all the people on it including Mantle evacuees. There is absolutely no text backing the idea that he wanted to leave with Atlas because it's rich. We could even suppose that he would have left with the 'poor' Mantle if it was the flying city and rich people were hanging safely on the ground. There is indeed an issue with Atlas & Mantle disparity, but Ironwood isn't directly responsible for it."

Does that make his decision to leave Mantle behind a morally right one ? That's of course NOT what I'm saying. The situation is still very ambiguous. But the classism theme has NO place here.

"Ironwood leads Atlas & Mantle. As such, he inherently holds responsability for the issues plaguing it." THIS is an acceptable reading according to me. I would probably argue that even if Ironwood's the only Atlas leader we're shown; he actually only oversees the military & academy (where we haven't ever seen classism issues), so putting Atlas' classism issues on him still doesn't sound fair to me. However the idea & argument is sound.

Acknowledging only how his actions look/the tyrannical surface reading and not the reasonnable justifications or glimpses we were given (pre-V7) of Ironwood being more than his trope

I'll probably stop after this one, but the last thing that is both tiring & annoying after too much of it; is seeing people boil down all of Ironwood's character to the most basic summary, inherently written to paint him in a bad line. And then saying that everything led up to his downfall by using these watered-down versions of the show's events to justify it. Or worse (imo), saying that people who are not satisfied with his V8 characterization that THEY don't understand how good a character he is and don't really appreciate him.... All the while only ever highlighting his characters flaws. Please stop this.

"Ironwood brought an army to the peace Olympics why are you surprised he turned out this way ?" ==> Ironwood brought an army to a country where the civilians visibly have no issue with said-army, to protect a peaceful event that he KNOWS to be targeted by foes. It's definitely overzealous & his conviction that threats should be dealt with by blunt force IS one of his flaws; but pretending that he did it for fun or because he's a tyran is just as misplaced.

"Ironwood said he'd shoot Qrow if he were one of his men why are you surprised he shot Oscar ?" ==> Do I really need to flip through every joke in this show and consider it as absolute truth & proof that the character would enact these words if given the occasion; even when we're shown with certainty that they actually don't mean it ? (IW hugging Qrow to welcome him, refusing to attack Qrow when he's certain Qrow IS attacking him...)

"Ironwood has his military all over Mantle, there's a curfew, all of this is tyrannical why are you surprised he's also down for genocide" ==> Damn, it sure is criminal to have Mantle defended from the litteral monsters roaming inside & out, and to make sure with a curfew that the people are not at risk during the night. I wonder if any recent events could make us reconsider our stance on how evil a enforced curfew is. Mhmmm maybe a pandemic ? Nah I must be imagining things. For real though, at what point did Tyrian's framing/lies (IW has his soldiers all over Mantle because of politics/he's a tyran who refuses opposition) became the truth of the situation for the FDNM too ? Again Mantle's situations SUCK, and that's a problem in itself. Making up problematic reasoning for the situation is dishonest though.

To end this, I'll just make clear. I do not condone any of Ironwood's actions post-V7. I don't think he had to be the big hero of the Atlas arc. Nor that he was without faults. I merely think that he'd have been a better antagonist than villain. And that it'd have been nice to keep the ambiguity/morally greyness that surrounds him; the knowledge that he's TRYING hard to do what's best for everyone; that he has good intentions. That he cares about individuals too to a lesser degree, and that he had people who cared about him as a person.

For short... Ironwood as an antagonist with understandable issues, flaws & failures; making questionable choices but with good intentions ? Hell yeah. Ironwood as a villain, more irredeemable than Hazel, willing to kill people for NO reason or even wipe out a city ? I'm not convinced.

[morkofday]

am gonna be so bold and ask three characters for the meme:

- nam sunho (my country)

- chacha (jatn)

- hei xiazi (because i wanna hear more about this boy)

have fun 💞

wow ok this was such a delight! i’m so happy you ended up asking for three bc this gives me such amazing variety ;; there are so many characters i love and have loved throughout the years and am happy to take this trip down the memory lane~

(placing under a cut obviously bc three characters at once makes this a damn novel. also, a spoiler warning for my country and sand sea!)

Nam Seonho – My Country: The New Age

How I feel about this character

Oh boy. It’s been a hot minute since I watched My Country, as you know. I still remember how I messed up the beginning and actually skipped the whole first episode, so I think I kind of… Didn’t get to see Nam Seonho being more carefree? Yes, I saw them all in the kite flying scene which still breaks me to this day, but I didn’t see him and Hwi being absolute disasters together (in the funny way). So, because of this, I think my first feelings with him were annoyance and maybe even distaste. I am a bit prejudiced like that. Especially when he got compared to someone like Seo Hwi.

Despite my first thoughts about him, Nam Seonho very quickly grew on me. I hated to see him make all those mistakes and bad choices just because he had decided that all the people he loved hating him was easier than letting go of his own wish for revenge. He was a very complicated character because of this, and I very much enjoyed that conflict within him. He tried very hard to be bad and cruel and horrible (and succeeded to some length) but underneath, he was still kind and loving and just so very, very hurt. I understood his wish to avenge his mother. I understood his hate towards his father (as we both did, that man can burn in hell). I understood why he chose to do all those things he did and still wish he didn’t have to. That there had been another way. That he could’ve trusted Hwi and work with him instead of taking this lonely path by himself. But then again, I know they both were fighting against powers that were bigger than them, against powers they wanted to protect the other from, and there were many occasions where they didn’t have any other choice but to take the worst option out of all the bad options available. My Country broke my heart with that and I still can’t be mad at it because it made all those punches so perfectly.  

Simply put: I love him, but I also hate him. I am angry at him for doing all these things, for being so damn selfish, but I understand why. He is good underneath all the bad. He is so broken underneath all that grace. He deserves to think more highly of himself, and I wish he could’ve regarded himself as someone to be loved instead of someone to be left behind. He has done horrible things, some of those for solely his own benefit, but I think he still deserves forgiveness in the end. He is dear to me and watching him grow and get at least some brief glimpses of happiness made my heart swell.  

All the people I ship romantically with this character

There is none other than Hwi. I can’t really ship Seonho to anyone else despite the drama trying that very badly. I never felt he would’ve worked with Hui Jae and his thing with Yeon also felt more like a bond between siblings. I also know he had a strong bond with his… second in command? Companion who he saved? Frenemy?? Sungrok but I felt like that didn’t go over there either. And hey, why change something that works? He and Hwi were meant to be, somehow. I can see it as something one sided and painful and breaking and desperate, something fragile that was never made to exist, but I can see it as something reciprocated too, something discovered and learned and gently blooming. They could work either way, either Hwi never learning about Seonho’s deeper feelings and just going away with Hui Jae, or them colliding in the middle of everything and deciding they can’t let go. It’s canon anyway that they were bonded from the beginning. I can’t remember any exact lines from the drama, but they kept saying that they were tied and I think it really works no matter what the feelings between them are.  

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Oh boy. Seonho didn’t really make that many friends throughout the drama because he just kept pushing people away and being a dick, but I did adore how he came to trust and care about Sungrok. They started off as enemies, Sungrok just threatening to kill Seonho any chance he got and Seonho giving back the same amount, but then they just slowly bonded? And Sungrok came to admire Seonho, and then, in the end, sacrificed a lot for him. They worked, and I was happy that Seonho had at least someone by his side. That he allowed that for himself. Also, I just enjoyed some of their banter a lot because Sungrok really gave Seonho some reality checks out there which he needed, that idiot. And the death scene still haunts me to this day, okay. Seonho after such a loss, once again, was just… So horrible to watch. He lost so much and gained so little. It was cruel that he had to lose his only self made friend too.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I have no idea what people think about Nam Seonho in general? I think my love for him is already an unpopular opinion :’D That I’m willing to understand him and forgive him might already feel strange to some. He just… We’ve gone through this, right? I have a type when it comes to characters I love and relate to. It’s angry, annoying, and broken. Nam Seonho is all three and that’s why he just makes my heart ache. He is loved despite his flaws. Hwi cares about him despite all the wrongs he’s done. He is, in some sense, still redeemable and deserving of better things.

I don’t know what else to say about him? There might be more if I remembered more of the drama in general. It’s just been a long while and I’ve basically relieved all of that through fics alone. Which we have too little of. I am so sad. They would deserve many, many words written about them sigh. Maybe one day I could rewatch this heartbreak fest too, right? Would you join me if I did?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

As I said, I don’t really remember all the twists and things that got said or done in that show. I feel like it was very much complete. At least nothing has bothered me enough to remain in my mind. Of course, I wish the ending was different and that they were given proper happiness but I am not mad about that ending. It worked. It was some type of peace for them. Seonho figured out his most important thing in the world, his reason to live at all, and then got to die in Hwi’s arms. I don’t think there’s anything better for him, knowing who he is and what he’s done. I don’t know if either of them could’ve lived on with all the burden they would’ve had to carry after their life choices. So, I very much have to say that there is nothing I would change. Maybe if I rewatched I would think differently but for now, this is all I have.

Zhang Chacha – The Journey Across the Night

How I feel about this character

The first feeling I have for Chacha is happiness. She just made me so deeply happy all the time when I saw her in JAtN, with all of her craziness and flirting and smiles and adorable expressions. She was a delight and I adore her.

Another feeling (or feelings) would be warmth and fondness. She was so very real in that drama. She was very human. I loved how strong she was, how strongly she reacted to everything and how demanding she was with other people. She knew what she deserved from others and treated others the same way she wanted them to treat her. She was complicated but in a very loving way. She made me cry so much. She was so unafraid and so trusting despite getting her trust betrayed. She was so accepting. She was just… Everything. I can’t even give words for how amazing she was.

One strong feeling I have for her is also pride. She has gone through so much, since she was very young, and still, she manages to stand there. Still, she manages to smile and laugh and be very open with people (even if she hides certain parts very carefully). I loved that about her, how there was this balance between things she wished to tell and things she didn’t want to talk about. She had somehow found this perfect line to her intimacy with people. And then it was amazing to follow how she slowly redrew those lines with Shi Cheng and Li Jia. Those two of course had to push a bit, came a bit too close for her comfort, but in the end, she learned to trust them with her secrets. She learned that these people don’t change their opinion of her just because of her mother. It was amazing to follow the main trio’s joined growing process. And Chacha somehow felt like she was the most competent out of all of them, Li Jia probably falling to the bottom instead and Shi Cheng hanging somewhere in between, but it was somehow so comforting to watch her stumble too. To find herself again. To reach outside of the lines she had come to know within her life. (And because of all of this growth, I can’t even put to words how much I love JAtN.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

You pretty much know this already but Li Jia of course. And then Shi Cheng (or A-Cheng I guess?) too because I am still mesmerized with the thought of having them become a trio. They would work so well like that. They balance each other out. They’re such a mess but they ground each other in this messy world. Everything is simple when it’s the three of them and I adore that for them. They would love each other so well. They would be so happy and would continue to grow. Also, I just love it how different Chacha’s relationship with both of the boys is because that leaves such interesting options for their romance.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

To be honest, the main trio falls in here too. I adore them as friends, first and foremost. They just work so well like that! I love how they keep helping each other when it comes to understanding all of them. I love the friendship between A-Cheng and Chacha because they bicker, but they are so supportive of each other too. A-Cheng would fight the whole world for Chacha. Chacha would punch A-Cheng in the face when he needs a reality check. They love Li Jia so fiercely, both of them, and Li Jia loves them back the same amount. It’s wonderful to watch.

Another one is Sharp. Their friendship is just so soft. They have grown up together and Sharp is like an older brother and a dad to Chacha and I love that for them. And then Chacha is this huge support and help to Sharp too, his closest connection amongst people. Chacha is so protective of him. She takes zero shit when it comes to the people she loves because it doesn’t matter to her who they are and how society sees them. And just. I don’t even know what to say about Chacha and Sharp. I loved how they understood each other even without any words and then did all these random things instead. The stairs jumping thing was so amazing and broke me so badly. They showed how deeply certain people can affect who you become in the future. It’s a relationship I wish I had for myself.

My unpopular opinion about this character

Oh no. To be honest, I don’t know if I have anything but love for Chacha. She is one of those very few female characters I actually like. One of the few I can even relate to, on some level. She was well written. She felt consistent and fleshed out. She had complexity and her own character outside of the romance which is usually the part that irks me if it’s not handled well. She was not just “the girl”, she was her own self and had her own story to tell and her own problems and her own flaws and decisions and mind. She was good. I have nothing else to say.  

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

God I can’t say this here because you haven’t finished the drama yet :’D I don’t want to spoil anything. Come ask me about it once you’re finished okay?

Hei Xiazi - Daomu Biji

How I feel about this character

Wow I feel like I come here to dig out my heart to present all these thoughts to you. But I don’t complain. Hei Xiazi, Hei Yanjing, Hei-ye – he’s an enigma, okay. I am not sure how to grasp him. He gives me different feelings in every adaptation where I see him, a little like Pangzi who I talked about while answering the other asks. But for Hei Xiazi, it’s also a bit different? He fits so differently into every story. So let me try to unpack all of that.

In Reboot, Hei Xiazi gets probably the biggest role between all the three adaptations I count him as part of (in Explore With the Note we see him maybe thrice and that doesn’t give much to think about so I exclude that. Though I love it how obviously he flirts with Xiao Hua even there lol). He was this funky secret agent type of guy there. He went to places and did stuff and fought people and maybe exploded something. He had his own romance story going on in that one and it, surprisingly enough, made me emotional. It intrigued me because Hei Xiazi is this deep mystery no one seems to know (not even NPSS probably) and Chuchu was slowly figuring him out? I liked that. I liked seeing that soft side of him and maybe the most serious side we ever get to see of him? It was kind of amusing how lost he was before that young woman.

My second meeting with him was in Sand Sea. I wasn’t that sure about the actor in that one, but he managed to give Hei Xiazi this very… Dramatic feeling? After Reboot’s epicness and somewhat lightness on his part, it was kind of a shock how shabby and gruesome and almost cruel he could be. Sand Sea in general seems to bring out darker sides of all the main characters, so maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised, but that still shocked me. Hei Yanjing being cynical! And snarky! And almost evil! He felt so cold in that one. I started to realize that he also has all these burdens to carry. That he also has pains we don’t know about. That he has all this past hurt we aren’t privy to. It made me want to wiggle my fingers inside the tiny cracks I could see in him (especially through his relationship with Su Wan) and pry him apart. He fascinated me but unfortunately, was left to the shadows at the end.

And then Ultimate Note happened! And I was so cynical about how he looked, how Liu Yuning made him look, that I wasn’t sure how seriously I could take him. I was so prepared to like him less than I had because Reboot’s version still felt like the best one. But, surprise surprise, I came to love him. I adore Liu Yuning’s version of him because he’s just so silly and confident and unapologetic and doesn’t really care what others think about him when he can survive without them anyway. I was a bit horrified with the strong humor aspect they gave him with his money craziness but that also worked in the end? I grew so fond of him. 

So, my feelings for him are a mess and go in many directions but I do like him as a character. I love it that Xiaoge has this other immortal around himself who is so different. I love it that he is a complete mystery (and so I can put my hands on him as I wish). I love it that he’s full of these cracky jokes. I love how cool he is but how he also manages to be the most uncool person out there. Maybe that’s his charm. (All the leather totally isn’t the other charming thing about him, nope.)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Oh boy. Like I said, I did enjoy him with Chuchu in Reboot. They worked in some sense, or at least it was kind of interesting to follow their very… random romance? Hei Xiazi really was so lost with her and it was so amusing when usually he’s so sure of himself. It was puppy love and never led anywhere but it was sweet nonetheless. 

But then? After Ultimate Note? Is there anything else but Heihua? Not really. I like those two together because they’re such polar opposites but somehow manage to complete each other. For Hei Xiazi, Xiao Hua is someone who is his match and won’t fall behind no matter where he goes (that is his biggest concern when it comes to Chuchu who is just a normal person and not a tomb robber). Who he can tease without worrying about crossing some type of line. Who understands secrets and not being able to talk about certain things. Who understands death and loss and pain. And for Xiao Hua, Hei Xiazi is someone who will take him as he is. Who doesn’t care that he’s the head of one of the Mystic Nine families. Who allows him to be his cynical and calculative and neat freak self. Who makes him smile. They’re amazing. I hope we can watch Ultimate Note together at some point and you can see them being chaotic gays together :’D

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Ah, I feel like Hei Xiazi is very similar to Pangzi when it comes to this too because he just knows everybody. He’s just worked with so many people throughout the years that he has connections everywhere. And I don’t even know how tight those connections are in reality? He feels a bit like a ghost, just drifting in and out of people’s lives. He doesn’t stay. He doesn’t have anything permanent to come back to. He just does his job to whoever is paying him the most and then moves on. It makes me kind of sad but also suits him. 

But from what I’ve seen him now, I have some relationships I love to see him in. The first one is with the Iron Triangle because he feels like this silly uncle, especially to Wu Xie? One more uncle for that boy haha. Then with Pangzi they are really very similar and get along great because of that (Reboot is a delight with this). And with Xiaoge it’s just so funny to see him continue his joking XD He’s the only one who I know can tease Xiaoge and get away with it. They are some type of friends? I’m not sure if they know their relationship even themselves but it warms my heart.

Then there’s him with Su Wan! I was very doubtful about that relationship once I first heard about it. Su Wan is such a soft and gentle and naive boy, I couldn’t imagine him being with someone like Hei Yanjing. But wow, they work so well? Su Wan adores his Hei-ye. He just wants to make his master proud! And even if Hei Xiazi is very annoyed by Su Wan and cynical about him at first, Su Wan really surprises him. He’s very smart and capable and learns quickly. He clicks with Hei Xiazi and somehow ends up honing some of his sharper edges, especially after all the darkness he’s obviously met before the events of Sand Sea (man has been stuck on a desert for ages?? No wonder he’s a bit done with everything). It’s so cool :o Probably the best duo if I consider all the parent/guardian/teacher relationships our boys acquire in Sand Sea (Yang Hao and Huo Daofu are such a shit show and then Li Cu and Wu Xie are just way too questionable and in need of so much therapy oh boy). I love them. I’m so excited to write about them :’D

My unpopular opinion about this character

As always, I have no idea what opinions there are regarding Hei Xiazi. I don’t think I have even given him so much thought that I would be able to give any opinions. I am still just euphoric about the fact that I’ve come to love him. I’m so happy Liu Yuning loves him too. He’s a secret I’m keen on solving. He’s cool. I hope there was more content about him. I am so excited about my standees!!! Sorry, I really don’t have much to say here haha

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

If I could get one thing (because let’s be honest, at this point I would love a whole side series for Hei Yanjing because I am just so intrigued), that would be more of him in Sand Sea. Especially at the end of it? Because after falling for Heihua, I just keep thinking about that brief glance and nod he and Xiao Hua share across their battlefield. They never talk there and I wish they did. I wish I could see that. I wish I could hear Hei Xiazi talking about Xiao Hua’s damn fake funeral with him. They have a bond between them, I wish we could see more of it! But for now, I guess I need to make do with writing that myself hmph

thank you so much for sending me this ask! i’m sorry it took a while to answer but you know me the best so i’m sure you will forgive me. i had fun and i hope you enjoyed reading all of this ^^ ♥ 

[winepresswrath]

Hill I'm dying on: Qin Su deserves better than jiggy apologism. "really if u think about it he had no choice but to commit so many murders uwu its about the evils of classism u know uwu" O YEAH WELL ME AND HIS NARRATIVE FOIL MIANMIAN HAVE SOMETHING 2 SAY ABOUT WHAT ONE 'HAS TO DO' AS A PERSON OF LOW BIRTH TREATED UNFAIRLY BY SOCIETY. he didn't commit MANY MURDERS (murdering Qin Su's SON ffs) for his health and safety, it was for bc he thought his paternity meant he deserved power. 8I

None of Jiggy's fictional crimes matter nearly as much to me as the joy he brings to actual real people, but on a personal level Qin Su and Rusong are also where I get my thump harder feelings from. I love Mingjue very much and when I think about how he died I get a little peeved on his behalf, but ultimately he was a big boy who got himself very thoroughly avenged and also gets to rip Jiggy’s unquiet corpse to shreds for a hundred years (romantic), barring all the talented necromancers and ghost hunters who may be motivated to try and help them find peace. He’s not fine but he is doing all right under the circumstances. I do think Jiggy commits many murders for security, or to cover up other murders in a way that amounts to security, but he also kills people because they bullied him and were rude about his mom or were standing in between him and power and status. I find his defense of his mother and refusal to blame her for the way her status negatively reflects on him very sympathetic, and I’m also pretty down for his pursuit of status and power and security, given how much he gets kicked around and has his face shoved in the mud for not having those things and also because it is, to him, a way of honouring his mom.  He wears that hat that cultivators don’t consider a mark of status as Chief Cultivator I think largely because she believed gentleman always wore a hat, even if she was wrong about that in his particular cultural context. I just get exhausted by how hard he decides that since no one else is going to prioritize and protect him anything and everything he does to prioritize and protect himself is justified, and I’m also a little like come on dude if this is how you’re gonna be someone will just murder you back one day while loudly explaining to the whole world exactly why you had it coming that’s not even poetic justice it’s just cause and effect.

[musical-chick-13]

And Theon bc I love him

WHAT A COINCIDENCE I LOVE HIM TOO (this answer is gonna be a combination of books and show)

Send me a character and I’ll tell you the following:

• Did they live up to their potential? / In what ways was their potential unachieved?

-I would say yes. The only negative I have about his general arc is his death (which, see below). But Theon from the very beginning was, though not a particularly nice person, still relatable. Feeling othered, wanting to be accepted by an immediate environment that doesn’t accept you, isolated from and ostracized by your family, and the tension that comes between serving the different types of familial relationships in your life. Theon has no idea who he is, tossed aside by his blood family for not growing up with them and being “soft,” aka sort-of moral and having emotions that aren’t selfish rage or smugness (which, yep, that second part is a mood, see: my entire childhood and how no one wanted to be around an “emotional” “soft” child). And from there, he spirals out of control in a way that, while certainly not admirable by any stretch of the imagination, is still understandable in the context of the narrative and his characterization. And from there, after going through hell and quite literally losing himself (even to the point of straight-up denying rescue), he builds himself back up gradually, to the point where he expressed extreme regret for what he’s done, helps an innocent woman escape a truly horrifying situation, acknowledges that his family is generally garbage, and (in-show b/c again books aren’t finished), helping to restore his sister to power, rescuing her after his PTSD relapses while confronting Euron, and ultimately opting to protect the Starks come hell or high water in order to genuinely atone for what he’s done. He is no longer conflicted because he wants to do the right thing, and that right thing is defending the kingdom from the White Walkers and making sure Sansa and Bran are safe. And it’s no longer about fulfilling a duty or finding a family to fill the void. Because now he has found himself. I will contend that Theon has one of the best, most nuanced, most organic redemption arcs of all time. I will forever be grateful that I got to see that piece of storytelling unfold.

Although, I would love to know what he thought of Dany. A missed opportunity, that.

• How they negatively and positively affected the story.

-Positive: His arc of identity and finding where your loyalties lie ties into the overall theme of “How do you find yourself in a world where goodness, authenticity, and honesty are often punished and increasingly rare?” And it proves that governmental politics aren’t the only defining factors in decisions: familial politics can be just as difficult and dangerous, which adds yet another rich, complicated layer to the overall story. He has a genuine, honest-to-Drowned-God redemption arc, which is...not really present anywhere else in the story (no, Jaime is not on a Redemption Quest, I will die on this hill). But I think the biggest draw of Theon’s presence is that it deconstructs the whole “Character Revenge Fantasy” idea. He does bad things. We want him to be punished. But not like that. No one deserves that. How far is too far? What does retribution really look like? Given how easily that idea can be abused and go off the rails, is retribution even something to strive for? What is the point of using extreme violence/torture/mutilation/breaking someone’s psyche when it doesn’t really accomplish anything? Isn’t atonement and genuine justice a better option? It certainly was for Theon. He could only piece himself back together and do anything meaningful once he was out of his abusive environment. All of these are imporant questions that are posed by his existence in the narrative.

-Negative: Idk if I have much to say here. My biggest problem is his death (see below), but that’s not really a negative story effect so much as...being disappointing and narratively irrelevant. I gotta say, his introduction via his sister was...really weird. I genuinely have no idea why GRRM wrote that. It never came up again or had any kind of narrative ramifications and kind of cast a strange, uncomfortable light on his relationship with Asha/Yara for the remainder of the story. I can ignore and enjoy their later relationship it if I don’t think about it too hard, though, so I guess I’ll chalk it up to GRRM having a Bad Idea.

• What my favorite arc for them is.

-All of it?? Theon’s journey is kind of...one big arc, which is why I think it works so well. He has this overarching redemption plot which spans the entire series and informs every decision he makes (for good or for bad, depending on where in the aforementioned journey he is). The redemption arc isn’t bogged down with side plots or other pieces of narrative clutter, meaning it has time to grow and, thus, be gradual and realistic. If I had to choose a specific point, it’s probably when he tries to reintegrate back into society via supporting Yara. Gaining the Iron Islands’ support for her ruling, spiriting away with Euron’s fleet, and ultimately rescuing his sister after her capture. He can’t just go back into society. He’s scared. He has really bad PTSD. But he recognizes that putting his home in good hands is something bigger than just him because it’s Yara’s home, too. I just...I really love family relationships, y’all.

• What I think of their ending.

-I’m not really sure how I feel about this one. I get that the series is GrimDark™ and that people who make the right choice and fight for good die all the time, but Theon dying just felt...wrong. To me.

And, like...I get it. It makes sense to parallel his original descent into villainy (cemented by executing those two boys and pretending they were Bran and Rickon) with him dying to protect Bran himself. It ties into the whole very common trope of completing a full redemption arc by committing a completely selfless act at great personal cost. It’s kind of like the whole Missy thing in Doctor Who (which...hoo boy, that post is coming, make no mistake), where selfishness is directly opposed by making the ultimate sacrifice with no motivation for personal gain. And the fact that the last words he ever heard were “You’re a good man?” I cannot even begin to describe how much that makes me sob. But...honestly, I’m really tired of this idea that redemption has to end in death in order to be achieved or “complete.” I think it’s much more poignant to have a redeemed character live to help build a better world. Because what’s the point of telling people to be better if the “reward” is death? No one’s going to want to reform themselves if they think that’ll be the result.

I think the thing that Bugs Me™ the most is that Theon never really got to have a moment of peace when he was alive. Sansa gained the North’s love and at least had a secure childhood. Ned and Cat were happily married for years. Arya had parents who loved her and a good relationship with Jon. Jon fell in love with Ygritte and found his Night Watch Bros, and Robb (in show verse) had some very happy moments with Talisa. Davos put great stock in what he considered fulfilling friendships with Stannis and Shireen; Brienne was treated respectfully by Renly, Catelyn, and Sansa; Missandei and Grey Worm had each other and their friendship with Dany, who herself had many personal successes in her quest for the Iron Throne and saw the death of her abusive brother. Cersei even had moments with Jaime (who himself had several notable military victories and at least some time with Myrcella, as well as being gladly and deeply in love, however dysfunctional that love was), times when she successfully fought off enemies (including her dad), and some sweet moments with Tommen, as well as a huge victory via blown-up sept at the end of season 6. Theon was treated as a second-class family member by the Starks his whole life by being “traded” to them as a condition of war resolution AS A BABY, is immediately disparaged and mistreated by his immediate family when he tries to return to them, makes terrible decisions that almost cost him his conscience completely, is brutally tortured by Ramsay, is on the run with his sister from Euron almost immediately after, and has a PTSD attack that ultimatly results in him having to launch a rescue mission. And then he fights ice zombies. And then he dies. He never really...got to be happy at all? There was never any kind of “win” for him. Not even survival. The narrative couldn’t even give him that.

TLDR: Theon’s death seemed less shock-value-y than others (like, for example, Shireen or Missandei or, heck, Melisandre even), and it isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It’s narratively-informed and it makes sense as an emotional through-line, but, ultimately, Redemption Cemented By Selfless Death is a tired trope, and I honestly thought this story (which...you know...serves as a deconstruction of common fantasy tropes/book tropes in general) was better than that.

• When I wish they had died. / If I think they should’ve died.

-So here’s where we get personal™ kids.

So, it’s no secret that I am...severely mentally ill. I’ve talked about expression/presentation of mental illness in regard to Cersei a lot on this blog, and how that (as paradoxical as it may seem) helped bring a sense of comfort and emotional resonance to me. Theon, post-Ramsay, has, I think, a very clear case of PTSD. Theon is one of the few characters I’ve seen where his mental illness isn’t the cause of the bad, violent, dangerous choices he makes. It only takes root after he has made the decision and conscious effort to better himself, and it, rather than demonizing him, serve to humanize him. His trauma didn’t define him. And although a PTSD attack led to him unintentionally losing Yara to Euron’s capture, he makes every effort to rescue her, a goal he does end up achieving. It is so rare I get to see a character who goes through these things, successfully fight them and come out with positive qualities at the end. Like...switching topics a bit here, Jaime going back to King’s Landing to (try to) escape and ultimately die with Cersei made sense to me because, as Jaime says, he is a hateful man. He never made much of an honest effort to be anything else. And he never truly wanted to be good; he just wanted to be liked. He wanted to adopt some personality that would make him feel less disconnected from the rest of the world. But Theon...genuinely feels remorse for everything he’s done. He makes a concerted effort to do everything in his power to improve the lives of people he believes are good and deserve to be safe. So, just...killing him off in a Completely Selfless Sacrifice (like...you know how a lot of mentally ill people put themselves through suffering-like OCD rituals, bottling feelings, self-harm, even suicide-in a misplaced attempt to “help” or “protect other people”) seemed antithetical to everything we saw of his arc.

Ultimately, with such a humanizing, empathetic portrayal of trauma and mental health struggles, seeing Theon be killed off just...pissed me off. I am so tired of seeing mentally ill characters die. I really want to believe that I can live through and thrive in spite of the things that afflict me, and I get example after example of characters not being allowed to do that. It feels awful, quite frankly. And it makes hope that much harder. 

I also just feel like...there was nothing the story gained from his death? I get the thematic parallels as mentioned earlier, but it didn’t really move the story forward in any significant way. It didn’t motivate other characters to do anything, it had no political ramifications, it didn’t serve to contribute to any kind of happy ending or commentary on society, it just...was sad. Again, I thought this story was better than that.

[crossdressingdeath]

I’m tired of takes depicting JFM as a domineering patriarch who lords over his poor, powerless wife and makes her life difficult when he’s actually the one of the sect leaders we know who is treating his wife with the most respect considering he has no concubines, mistresses or didn’t imprison her in a house, and that he listens to her and lets her have her say no matter what hurtful BS she’ll spew. Did we ever see him disrespect her, tell her to shut up even when she was dragging untrue or 1/6

hurtful rumors in his face to hurt him or hurting a child JFM cared about? We never even hear him use misogyny by calling YZY hysterical or unreasonable because she’s a woman to dismiss her which, as we have seen with Mianmian, is common in-universe and additionally in YZY’s case really true since we have seen her contradict herself in the space of a single short discussion (not bc she’s a woman, but bc of her awful temper). I also hate the take the JFM being sentimental about CSSR and2/6

WCZ, which is mostly fanon already, is what broke his family and caused the fall of LP and blablabla while YZY and her emotional outbursts are seen as valid and justified and not destructive at all to her family or LP (lol whut?). Like I’m sorry that JFM has people he cared about in the past and who treated him better than YZY does (and seeing what his home life is like, you'd think that people'd be understanding that he's nostalgic for better times in his youth lol) And seriously, blaming 3/6

JFM for his sentimentally for breaking a marriage between JYL and JZX when JZX expressed contempt multiple times toward JYL when seeing what his marriage is like? It’s not even sentimentality, it’s common sense and a desire to protect his daughter from going through the same hell he’s living in because he knows too well that if both spouses don’t have any respect toward each other, even if one of them loves the other, the marriage won’t work. Plus let’s ignore the reach blaming JFM for the 4/6

fall of LP because he broke the engagement between JYL and JZX as if the Jins would have ever come to their help against the Wens when JGS was well determined to sit out the war and use the vacuum of power afterwards to raise the profile of his sect, but YZY antagonizing WJL can’t be blamed of course, how could YZY bear the indignity of WJL talking to her with disrespect for a couple of minutes for the welfare of her sect, we have to ~understand~ her? Like always, YZY and JC can be 5/6

sentimental and unreasonable about any topic, but other people should always keep their own feelings under a lid and only do what JC or YZY think would please them at any given moment, even though they’ll want something else the minute after like YZY wanting and then not wanting WWX being sent as an hostage, or JC blaming WWX for everything that is wrong in his life and then complaining about WWX going away. People seem to miss that the reason that JC or YZY are so unhappy in their marriage6/6

or in their life more generally is not because their external circumstances are bad or people around them treat them badly but because YZY and JC's personalities makes them wreck their relationships and push away people that would have wanted to care about them. YZY could have had a nice, peaceful marriage with JFM because JFM is a decent enough man, and JC could have the loyalty and love of WWX all his life if they accepted people as they are and didn't ask them for more than they could7/6

give or even just seen JFM or WWX as people with their own wants and needs. JFM not taking in WWX wouldn't have made YZY happy and magically fixed their marriage no more than WWX being less talented than JC would fixed their relationship because the issue was never with those particular issues, but with the fact that neither YZY nor JC has any respect and sometimes not even any love for JFM or WWX, which slowly break their relationships apart.8/6

Wait, people actually blame JFM for the fall of Lotus Pier because he broke off the engagement between JYL and JZX for fear that they’d be miserable? Wow, those people’s arms must be hurting from that reach. The Jins are Entirely Fucking Useless and canonically sat out most of the Sunshot Campaign so that JGS didn’t have to burn his bridges with either side, they would not have helped. Not to mention JGS isn’t all that fond of the engagement and only agreed to it because he’s scared of his wife. Also like in general blaming the destruction of his sect on one thing JFM did years before and not on YZY openly and deliberately antagonizing the Wen envoy is Not Great. And yeah, JFM is insanely indulgent of YZY’s behaviour? She whips WWX on a regular basis for things that clearly aren’t worthy of such a harsh punishment as a general rule even to her (given she doesn’t whip anyone else involved with it), constantly undermines his authority, and emotionally abuses his children and ward right in front of him and at most he’ll tell her to knock it off (but doesn’t do anything when she doesn’t). JFM is way better to YZY than she deserves given the way she treats him and his family! I really don’t get where this image of JFM as some domineering patriarch lording his status over his poor innocent wife comes from given at worst he calls her name sternly when she’s being particularly horrible and never actually stops her. JFM does nothing to hurt YZY ever and arguing that him not being in love with his arranged marriage wife who’s consistently horrible to him and not openly praising her mistreatment of his family and sect is cruel is bullshit. You’re right, it really is just “He doesn’t bow to YZY (and JC)’s every whim so he’s cruel and abusive”, which like... her whims involve whipping a child and emotionally abusing three children? He shouldn’t bow to them?

(Addition because I missed the last two parts at first:)

Yeah, it really is a “like mother like son” situation. YZY expected JFM to do anything she wanted without considering whether his morals or personality would allow for that, and then when he couldn’t (or at least couldn’t without making himself miserable) she chose to see that as a failing on his part and not her asking too much of him. A marriage is a partnership; JFM wasn’t her servant to follow all her orders without question, and it was her inability to realize that that ruined her marriage, not JFM not bowing to her whims or him caring for his old friends who she didn’t like even after their deaths. And now I have the image in my head of her bugging her parents into pushing for the marriage like a spoiled child demanding a puppy, and like that spoiled child then throwing temper tantrums on realizing her new plaything was in fact a living breathing creature who would require love and care. She’s the one who taught JC that he didn’t owe anyone respect and if they refused to bow to his whims they were horrible people, after all.

[lan-xichens]

wait no i also want to recognise that everything you said about wwx is super valid like i feel there's less of a debate there but!! oh shit wait maybe wwx does also have rejection sensitive dysphoria (an emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.)

sorry for the complete spam but the rejection sensitive dysphoria can also lead to outbursts when you externalize it, ie in anger etc.- but it can also lead you to become like a people's pleaser (like i kinda do feel this sounds more like wwx) as for the like- starting something and not wanting to stop, i think it's a hyperfocus thing, bc you start something and you get in the flow and then you're afraid to stop bc when you pick it up again you won't feel the same (nd then you overwork yourself)

No no not spam at all! Sorry I couldn’t get to it the other day, but thanks for elaborating on this. But rejection sure is a theme amongst Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng like, oof.

But I definitely see how you brought that up for Jiang Cheng because, his entire life and story seem to revolve around him trying to earn his place and win the respect of those he cares about, but both intentionally and unintentionally, he keeps being sidelined.

First, by his parents:

And, both Jiang Cheng’s looks and personality took after his mother. He hadn’t ever been to Jiang FengMian’s liking. Since birth, he taught him in many ways, yet he still couldn’t change, which was why Jiang FengMian had always seemed as though he didn’t favor him too much.

Jiang Cheng pulled Wei WuXian’s hand away and stood up, letting out his anger, “I know! I know that I don’t have the personality he likes, that I’m not the heir he wants. He thinks that I don’t deserve to be Sect Leader, that I don’t understand the motto of the Jiang Sect, that I don’t have the air of the Jiang Sect in me at all! Those are all true!” - GDC chapter 56

How do you compete for the affection and approval of your parents if one of them rejects your entire being based on your personality? Jiang Fengmian’s favouritism towards Wei Wuxian is one of the massive parts influencing how JC and WWX interact, because there must be so so so much jealousy involved on Jiang Cheng’s part.

But even his mother never pulls her punches in criticising him, and adds fuel to this fire.

Jiang Cheng sat still as he looked up at her, “Mom.”

Madam Yu stood up and mocked, “What do you want me to do? Like your father, you want me to hold my tongue? You really are an idiot. I’ve told you long ago that you’ll never in your whole life be able to surpass the one sitting beside you. Not over cultivation, not over night-hunting, even over shooting kites, you can’t surpass him! It can’t be helped. Who could change the fact that your mom is worse than another’s? Worse it is, then. Your mom feels injustice for you, tells you countless times not to fool around with him, yet you’re still defending him. Just how did I give birth to a son like you?!” - GDC chapter 51

So between the two of his parents, there’s no pleasing either, no matter how hard Jiang Cheng tries to win their approval and live up to their expectations. I feel this is why Wei Wuxian attributes a competitive nature to him, but he misconstrues that; I don’t think Jiang Cheng seeks competition so much as he seeks approval, understanding the expectations of him as the future sect leader. He’s not trying to out-do Wei Wuxian’s cultivation because he wants to be better, necessarily, he just wants to prove to both his parents that he’s not... lesser than him. But he wouldn’t have had to do it if they hadn’t been the ones to constantly pit him against his brother in the first place!

But even with the situation being like that (and while we can address it in meta, I know this is probably not something Jiang Cheng could ever admit to himself or to any close to him lest he insults his parents), but even then, he seems to be able to take it in stride so long as Wei Wuxian doesn’t turn his back on him.

And that’s the unintentional part, because this does sadly happen, at least on the surface.

Their conversation at the Burial Mounds is one I’ve wanted to scream about for so long, because the miscommunications there run so deep you couldn’t see the bottom of it. But focussed on rejection, it’s this:

A while later, Jiang Cheng spoke, “Wei WuXian, have you still not realized what the situation at hand is like? Do you really need me to say it out loud? If you insist on protecting them, then I won’t be able to protect you.”

Wei WuXian, “There’s no need to protect me. Just let go.”

Jiang Cheng’s face twisted. - GDC chapter 73

As some super helpful posts have already pointed out, Wei Wuxian’s defection from the Jiang clan is a disloyal thing to do, regardless of his reasons. But I also think that, to some extent, Jiang Cheng feels it as a personal rejection as well.

CQL adds two very painful exchanges here:

JC: They turn out to be a group of the old, young, and weak. All useless! WWX: All useless? Can’t you speak in a good manner?

Jiang Cheng means they are no threat, so the sect leaders are wrong. Wei Wuxian hears him dismiss the lives of those he must consider worthless. This leads up to:

JC: What on earth are you doing this for? WWX: Jiang Cheng, I’ll tell you honestly. Even if it weren’t for Wen Qing and her brother, or for anyone else, I’d make the exact same choice.

Jiang Cheng asks why he would turn his back on the Jiang clan, Wei Wuxian hears him challenge his righteousness and his reason for protecting the innocent. Wei Wuxian explains he would do the right thing for anyone, Jiang Cheng hears he would always choose to reject the Jiang clan, and by extension himself, no matter for who it was.

This comes back at the Guanyin Temple:

On the other hand, Jiang Cheng refused to give up, shouting, “Wei WuXian, who was the one who broke his promise and betrayed the Jiang Sect first? Tell me. That I’d be the sect leader and you’d be my subordinate, that you’d help me your whole life, that so long as the GusuLan Sect had its Two Jades, the YunmengJiang Sect would have its Two Prides, that you’d never betray me or betray the Jiang Sect—who was the one that said these?! I’m asking you—who was the one that said all these?! Did you eat all your fucking words?!”

He got more agitated as he ranted on, “And in the end? You go and protect outsiders, haha! The Wen Sect’s people, even. How much of their rice did you eat?! Defecting with such resolution! What did you take our sect to be?! - GDC chapter 102

Actually, while I love rewatching this scene as so many things keep jumping out at me, it’s even better to reread this part in the novel. I’d forgotten how much extra background we get on just how far this misunderstanding goes.

Why does Wei Wuxian tell him to let things go, and not to keep this matter in his heart?

Wei WuXian pressed his temples, “Forget it. It’s all in the past now. Let’s not mention it again.”

It wasn’t something he liked to reminisce about. He didn’t want to be reminded again and again of what it felt like when his core was cut out or what price he had to pay. If this were exposed in the past, he’d most likely laugh and comfort Jiang Cheng, ‘It’s not that big of a deal anyways. Look at me all these years. Without the core, I still managed to come through, didn’t I? Beating everyone I wanted to beat, killing everyone I wanted to kill.’ But now, he indeed didn’t have the strength left to put up such a confident, nonchalant pretense. - GDC chapter 103

Maybe I was the one who misintrepreted this line in my head, but CQL makes it seem so much like Wei Wuxian is fully at peace with giving up his core, and he wants to impress on Jiang Cheng to find his peace with it as well. But in truth, it’s exactly the opposite, because Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to admit to how difficult it was and still is for him, but he doesn’t want to show him that his decision haunts him.

Which just smacks of a conversation they still need to have.

And also begs the question why CQL went for the second bolded line; why have Wei Wuxian smile and comfort him and try to soothe things over? It was an incredibly sweet moment, sure, but the words were so confusing to me, and now I see why. His heart shouldn’t have been in it at all.

None of this addresses Wei Wuxian’s relationship with rejection at all - how he always struggles to find his place and to solidify his standing with certain people, but how it’s always on loose screws. But the way he treats himself as disposable, especially towards the Jiang clan, was still the whole catalyst for this situation in the first place.

[ageofevermore]

Lost You For Nothing

⊹  Summery: and maybe we were never meant to love beneath any set of stars 

⊹  Words: 1.2k

⊹  this contains season 7 spoilers, as well as mentions of previous character deaths. 

⊹  just doing my part in ignoring and not acknowledging the ending jroth gave bellamy, and instead writing my own. 

⊹ tagging some t100 mutuals bc we deserved somebody fighting for bellamy @r0s3mm​ @stilinskiswritings​ @mischiefandi​

She had loved him since the first time their eyes locked across the Sky Box. He was a guard, and unsurprisingly enough she was a prisoner. Her crime was involuntary, yet she wasn’t lucky enough to be the chosen twin. She figured it was due to her health conditions; a working class family barely had enough to support a healthy child, let alone one whose lungs were weak and susceptible to detrimental illness. She never cared much about her biological connections though, finding a family in her rotating guards and doctors. 

When she and ninety nine other prisoners were sent to the ground and the only person she knew was her former guard, her allegiance to Abigail Griffin’s daughter was severed. She had promised to protect the princess, but she could do that better from afar. For her entire life she had only known change, people were in and out so constantly she wondered if it had to do with her quirks of independence. Growing up in isolation stunted personal development, though she had clearly found enough of herself to turn people away. 

When she had finally let Bellamy in closer, she was handed a stick of meat and a wink. She had toted around a bulky silver bracelet until spitefully tearing it from her person in the face of Clarke, weakly shoving Wells aside when he lunged at her emotionally. She wasn’t unaffected by the throw away life she lived, but she couldn’t bring herself to care so deeply like Wells. She was born a default, just another statistic from the moment she opened her eyes. Sacrificial responsibilities were forced upon her from the minute she was given up. 

She had found her brother a week later after Octavia had aggravatedly yelled for Murphy throughout the camp and had gotten a response from both throw away teens. The softer of the two had frowned at the sight of another answering to her name before her heart stilled and she looked between her rival and her friend. 

When Mount Weather had attacked she had fought beside the former guard with glassy eyes and a conflicted approach, she found herself strung up by the ankles and drained of everything her body had to offer. She was manipulated and humiliated, treated as though she was beneath standard human respects. It was Bellamy who found her next to nude, pale and a pile of bones, fingertips tickling the concrete. 

John had broken her to pieces when he left with Jaha. She had watched everyone she loved fall apart, and even worse watched Clarke lose somebody she loved. When the sky had fallen for the second time and Bellamy had ejected himself from the atmosphere, he had given her no choice but to be by his side. Her brother had found infinite love within a grounder's eyes, while she was spiraling deeper and deeper into love with Bellamy. 

When they found another planet capable of sustaining human life forms, she had mourned the loss of not only a hundred years, but the death and love of two close friends. She had taken Jordan under her wing without prompt, simultaneously looking out for Madi. She had never seen herself as being maternal, but she had seen too many hearts turn cold without guidance; Finn, Charlotte, fucking Pike. She had higher hopes and expectations for generations to come. 

When John almost died and Abby actually did, that’s when Brinley understood that there was no possibility of saving humanity. They couldn’t even save themselves. Life beyond the ark had led to mass destruction by a failure to be taught compassion and understanding, rather rank and diversity. What she hadn’t been prepared for, was having no chance to say goodbye to the man she never got to kiss; 

“What the hell do you mean, Clarke?” Brinley snapped, stepping towards the blonde with a fire in her eyes. Octavia had her arms draped around the offender's neck, Echo close to joining the embrace with a peaceful understanding in her irises. 

“Brinley--” Murphy watched his sister inch dangerously close to the blonde drenched in blood. The blood of everyone in Mount Weather, the blood of Maya and Gina, Charlotte and Wells, Lexa. Clarke was covered in the blood of everyone she tried to help, and now Bellamy was upon the endless list. 

“No. Clarke, what the hell do you mean? What the hell do you mean? He, what did you do? Clarke, what the hell did you do? What the hell did you do?” She fell to her knees, sinking into the gentle softness of rediscovered nature. Bellamy should have been beside her, reveling in what Earth had begun in their absence. “What did you do? Say it! Say what you did Clarke, say it!” 

“I killed him.” The blonde’s voice trembled as she pulled away from Echo and watched the younger brunette wither on the forest floor, stained with tears and a lifetime of loss. 

Her mind wandered to Bellamy’s reaction tactics, and the way she knew he would have rushed to her side and pressed her forehead into his neck until her heart calmed down. He would have blocked out the noise and grounded her in an intimate moment of kindness and acceptance. Bellamy would have forgiven Clarke, but Brinley never could. 

“Where’s the book?” Brinley snapped, somehow finding her bearing enough to support herself on two feet, rather than all fours. Her knees were damp with dirt, and her palms were scratched up, but as she wiped the tears from her cheeks and paths of blood and brown stained her, she couldn’t care less. “Where’s the book, Clarke!” 

“Sanctum.” 

Brinley’s eyes pinched tightly as another aching sobs slipped through the confines of her chest. “Was Lincoln not enough for you?” She cried, eyes hard and teary as she advanced towards the warrior. “Was Lincoln and Finn and Lexa not enough for you? Are you so desperate to dismantle any ounce of love you come across? Should John be worried? Are you gonna kill Emori next? Huh, Clarke?” Brinely grabs at the gun in Clarke’s hands, sobbing when the cold metal freezes her burning touch, though recklessly she aims it at her brother's girlfriend.

“Brinley, calm down.” Octavia warned warily, eyes on the black gun that was shakily pointed towards a distressed Emori. The girls had become like sisters, though siblingship clearly meant nothing to the last living Blake. 

Brinely shrieked animalistically, eyes wild with a fire. “Calm down? She killed your brother, Octavia! She killed your brother! He’s dead. Bellamy’s dead. Kane and Abby and Aurora and Bellamy. They’re all dead. You don’t have anybody left!” 

“He was dead a long time ago.” Echo tried to interject, watching over the teetering Murphy who couldn’t seem to process the information she was being fed. 

“He was dead when he joined Pike, and when he lost Gina, and months before that when he hung John! When he got Lincoln killed he was just about as good as dead as he was on Bardo and you still tried to fucking save him! You justify when people are worth saving, Clarke. You think you’re god, Clarke. You’re not! You kill people. You killed him! You killed him long before we even stepped foot on Sanctum. You killed us all.”

[bbnibini]

PSISLY: An Obey Me!CYOA – forty-eight🔖

tw: this is really angsty and talks about toxic relationships, as well as very very negative thoughts. If that isn’t your thing, please skip this ending route and just read the epilogue/good ending

You felt relief--as if someone pulled you out of the darkness looming in your thoughts---that perhaps you were not as evil as you thought you were, not as vile or toxic or delusional. That you were simply in love with another person, and it just happened to not be Mammon. That you were not idealising him, but your feelings had been for another all along. Perhaps there was a way to fix this, that you could save him,which was ridiculous because you were the one who pushed him into hating himself because of your misguided feelings in the first place.

You are a horrible person.

At least your thoughts said so. Mammon was asleep in your arms, his face dried with his own tears but you can only think of the person who sent you the letter. It was deplorable, you know. Try as you will, you couldn't deny your heart's pitter patters at the thought that your secret admirer was out there somewhere, hidden to you in plain sight, and you felt for him the same. You looked at Mammon again and tried to will yourself to feel any feelings for him, but your own heart couldn't seem to give you an answer. Maybe you really didn't love him at all. You cared about him, at least enough to confront him about your relationship, but re-evaluating that, and hearing about how he kept such a huge secret from you only earned him your understanding, but not your affection.

Perhaps this was why he kept it from you in the first place.

Encouraging him to speak to you the truth earned you guilt feelings, and it only seemed to cling to you at his every word.

"Little D No.2 told me a classmate found something in their locker that belonged to me. It looked like my handwriting and it was addressed to you." he was stuttering at every word as you tried to stop his tears, but they only continued to fall. "I didn't know how to process it. We were so happy, but…it always felt like I was a fraud, y'know? You tell me I'm all these wonderful things, but I can't seem to see it. Now it's finally making sense."

"Mammon."

"Did you at least love me, even a little bit, as me? Or was it always him ?"

How could you ever answer that? Everything was so new to you, it was all confusing. Your mind continued scrambling over your feelings for both of them but it only seemed to fluctuate, from feelings of pity for the one who had lost you, to hopeless pining for the one you couldn't ever have.

You tried to convince yourself that it's all wrong, that perhaps you're only deluding yourself, for it's impossible to fall in love with a person you don't even know. You thought about Mammon again, and it only stung your eyes.

What the hell do you call our relationship then? he asked you in your vivid imagination, carrying the cursed facade he urged himself to become. You loved Mammon then, with all his undiscovered layers, his multifaceted sides, although not his, was endearing to you. Then, that Mammon changed back to the one everyone knew and loved, with his trademark sunglasses and devilish smirk, handing out to you his own letter. His own feelings you've never had a chance to read for yourself.

You wondered if you'd still fall in love with him if you read his actual letter.

Wait.

Still?

You gently laid Mammon down on your lap as you reached out for the letter on your drawer. It was well-kept, its scent now faint from rereading one too many times. The carnations on its corners were now a light pink, a part wrinkled and deformed from the tears that fell down your eyes when you chose to read it one particularly bad day, as it was your only solace at that time. Swallowing, you bit your lips and opened the envelope, greeted by your mysterious admirer's elegant handwriting. You read its passages again to affirm that silly slip of your mind, a hope that perhaps you're mistaken, that maybe you can still love the demon who didn't want you to leave him, but ah. Your heart was a mess again as you read the letter's passages. His heartfelt words. His love. A weird clumsiness there that spoke of propriety but gave something else away.

You thought you would discover something new, something that would make you feel human again in your rereading, but oh what a joke.

Whoever you are, Mr. Secret Admirer, please come out. You hoped for him to save you from being sunk into your ocean of denials, your growing feelings for him, an unknown that you wanted so much to be another person. To be Mammon. Why couldn't it be Mammon? He would understand, wouldn't he? He didn't seem to want any reciprocation on your part when he wrote it to you, but the thought of never knowing him ached your heart. Aren't you arrogant enough to decide who you should love? Now that Mammon was hurt by you, are you moving to your next target? Are you that much of a self-absorbed bitch?

.

.

.

.

.

You felt tears stinging your eyes as more self-deprecating thoughts filled your head. It pointed fingers at you and laughed at you, calling you many names you thought you had already forgotten--a distant memory of your past that still carried its remnants in the scars of your heart.

This is why he killed you.

They only see Lilith in you.

You hurt the only person who loved you. Aren't you spoiled?

No!no!no!No!no!no!No!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!noNo!no!no!

How many apologies have you made your entire life, sorrys spoken despite not knowing what you have done? How true were the cruel words spouted at you when they thought they couldn't be heard? How deep were the wounds that festered and left ugly scars? How trivialising did you turn every sleepless night in daily conversations out of fear that no one will ever care?

How deserving are you of love that you would deny it to someone who truly loved you? For what? Feelings for an unknown you weren't even sure of? Was it even worth the risk? Perhaps it was a prank? Perhaps the author of your beloved letter would come out of hiding one day and take his words back, what would you do then? And for what reason would the hurt you caused Mammon then if your unrealised feelings amounted to nothing?

Why couldn't you just love him?

Your eyes hurt with how much you were rubbing it dry. Washing your face did little to hide its puffiness. You were tired of crying and feeling sorry for yourself, especially when you deserved it.

You wanted to make things better. Even if everything hurt, even if it was presumptuous of you to do so. Even if your heart screamed for you to follow it, to abandon all logic and find him. You wanted to tell him how much his words saved you, how much you think about him every day, how you wondered why you never noticed him and how you felt bad about that, how much you wanted to get to know him. How wonderful he was. How much he made you laugh with his clumsy awkwardness. How prettily he weaved his words. How happy you were to be loved by him, and…perhaps, how much you might love him back.

But you couldn't do that. You don't deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to meet him. You don't deserve a choice, especially if the one you thought you loved was hurting because of you.

You would rather see Mammon happy than follow your heart. You cared for him enough to let “him” go.

You

sorry if i made a new group chat for this but, i don't want mammon to see this. im really sorry for worrying you all. youre right, something IS wrong between us, and i want to stop hurting him.

You

especially you, satan. thanks for the wakeup call. i will take care of things from here.

You

the student council needs someone to stay overnight in the classrooms, right? can i please do it?

You

mammon and i need some space. he's clinging to someone who's hurting him, and that someone is me. i want to re-evaluate my feelings for him. he deserves that at least and i need all of your help.

You

this is probably a really selfish request, but please look after him. ugh this sounds really cheesy but he needs that right now. bcs of me, he wants to be another person he's not which is ridiculous now that im rethinking it. wow i can't believe the shit ive been spouting for the past few weeks. im sorry for being an ass. i don't deserve all of your forgiveness. hecc you don't have to grant that to me.

You

i just want him to be happy again.

You were afraid of checking the replies. It said the six of them already read your message and that most of them were typing a response right now but you didn't want to see it. Not right now. Any affirmation that you're a horrible person is something you couldn't handle just yet.

.

.

.

.

But that method is for cowards. If you hurt Mammon with the truth, then it's your turn to face it as well. The truth everyone else could see but you couldn't. The lies protecting you and sparing your feelings--it needs to end.

Satan was the first to type out a response. Contrary to your really low expectations, he treated you the same way he always did.

Mammon was still asleep in your room once you came back. He looked peaceful now, snoring softly as he cuddled your blanket and muttered something incomprehensible to himself. You sat at the unoccupied side of your bed and parted the hair that blocked his eyes.

"I'm sorry for everything, Mammon. My feelings are a mess right now and I will only hurt you if we stay like this." you sighed. What's the use of telling this to someone asleep? He couldn't even hear you.

"I think…I love him, whoever he is. I don't know. Maybe I'm deluding myself." you pulled your hand away. "I'll get my shit together and reject you properly. You deserve to be happy, Mammon. And I'm sorry I couldn't give you that.

.

.

.

Thank you for loving me."

💌💌💌

"I'm amazed you went out of your room when there's an event for Faith's Restoration Order right now."

"...you have a talent for teasing, has anyone ever told you that?" Levi blushed brightly beside you as he placed the plastic bag at a nearby armchair. "If you already know why I'm here, can't you at least shut up and leave me alone?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

He rolled his eyes and made a gesture of leaving the room.

"Have fun hanging out with ghosts, normie! I'm leaving."

"I'm joking! I'm joking!" you pulled him back to the empty classroom so you can sit with each other while you had your microwave dinners.

Everyone (sans Mammon and Lucifer) offered to go with you to RAD to carry your stuff while you're setting up "camp" (if you can call class A's classroom as the outdoors, that is). Lucifer wanted to go as well, (something about telling you the school regulations, and placing an anti-ghost barrier since RAD ghosts were notoriously NOISY) but his "just a cold" was apparently a 40 C fever so he was forced to stay bedridden. Satan immediately volunteered to fill in his shoes for obvious reasons, while the others were in their oddly competitive phase again that you couldn't understand. Demons, seemed to be the only logical reason and it made sense so you decided not to question it anymore (especially if they determined their birth order by power level like some generic shounen manga. Pfft. Demons. ).

Class A's classroom was filled with the scent of brimstone in the air (because of Satan's numerous spell castings) making it not a very ideal place to eat dinner, so you ate with Levi in Class B's instead. Beel wanted to stick around too, until he was enticed by Satan's promise of extra portions so Levi was the last one to leave. With how much you've known your dorky best friend however, you figured he had something to say to you and the others read the room and left the both of you alone. Judging by how much he was fidgeting in his seat, your assumptions appeared to be correct.

"Hey, uh…I heard from Satan. Are you…okay?"

Oh .

"...honestly?" you couldn't help but laugh. "This is probably the worst day ever-- err. Second worst day. Nothing can top being killed by Belphie. That was wild."

"Hey--"

"Joking, joking! Jeez. You look really serious. I'm fine, Levi."

Without a word, a paper bag landed on your lap. Levi, who was still looking down, muttered something that you needed to ask him to repeat the third time(his voice was too soft!).

"I'm returning this."

?

"Ruri-chan!" you looked at the figure box in awe. "But…I already gave this to you."

Levi shook his head. "I can't accept it." Seeing your confusion, he explained. "I was the one who told you it's Mammon who sent the letter even if I didn't even confirm if he really wrote it. After all that weird Gentlenormie shtick Mammon got cursed into, isn't it unfair? You can hate me if you want. Here, have my cheek! Then maybe my other one too! Slap it really hard and--"

He was babbling! Oh bless his heart.

How could you forget how these demons cared for you? Those looming dark thoughts in your mind were slowly disappearing, not in its entirety, but enough for you to forgive yourself a little. Your arms caged the otaku third born, muttering words of gratitude as tears threatened to fall yet again from your eyes. Oh, why are you such a crying mess today?

"You can keep it. It's not your fault, Levi. But thank you for telling me."

It took numerous JoJo references for him to be persuaded, but he finally accepted. "No one is blaming you or angry at you, just so you know. It's Mammon's fault too for not being honest. Satan's right. So…uhh…" he stuttered his next words, sounding muffled as he buried his face on your shoulder. "...it's ironic coming from me but…love yourself a little, okay? We're worried about both of you." From how your shoulder felt warm right now, he must be embarrassed. You felt touched that your usually non-vocal friend was sharing his true feelings for once without any ounce of self-deprecation. You can feel how much he cared for you, and with just that, you already felt that you weren't so bad of a person after all.

Talking with Levi reminded you how there are many forms of love, and it didn't matter what kind you felt for Mammon, what mattered was that you loved him. Was this the truth you've been blind to all along? Was this what Satan had been wanting to tell you?

"I love you, Levi."

"Wha--" he sputtered. "Wh-where did that come from? Hey, this isn't funny, you know?!"

Not hearing his protests, and only overwhelmed by your epiphany, you tightened the hug and spoke again.

"You're the bestest friend anyone could ever ask for. I love you, and I love everyone in Lamentation too!"

You felt him tremble at your words, his arms shyly hugging you back as he muttered. "Even Mammon?"

Yes, you were certain now. This was the answer you're seeking for. With newfound confidence, you answered him back. "Especially Mammon."

Silence. A very long embrace--something he was trying to get used to, especially for a love-starved you. "I'm going to break up with him."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…"you ruffled his head. "It's for the best, isn't it?"

Levi didn't answer immediately, and once he did, he sounded unsure. "Do you love Mammon?"

"Yeah, but not in the way he wants me to." you replied immediately. Now that you had a clearer picture of your feelings for Mammon, the answer came naturally to you. "I can't be unfair to him. He's…out there, you know? I want to find him."

"Find? The letter sender?"

"I love him," you reasoned. "I feel so horrible for being so happy that he actually exists! That I was not idealising Mammon, that…he's real. I'm not imagining him, and he loves me. His words saved me." you hugged him tighter. "Oh, Levi. It feels like I've known him forever!"

"..."

"Levi?"

When you attempted to pull away from him, he didn't let go. Instead, he stuttered out a clumsy reply. "What if he's not what you think he is? What if you'll be disappointed again? What if you will get hurt? You should really reconsider-"

"I have a feeling I won't." you expected this reaction from him; he was always too cautious to the point of paranoia. Too self-conscious. Pacifying him however, was another matter. "I don't know. It's my gut. Like…we've been waiting for each other and this is my last chance to be with him. It's crazy isn't it? I don't even know him, but I feel like we'd hit it off right away! Now that I think about it, it kind of feels like us, huh? Levi?

.

.

.

.

.

Are you sulking?"

His unwillingness to part with your arms was already telling of his answer. You couldn't help feeling smug. "Is someone jealous?"

"Sh-shut up!"

"You do know that you'll always be my Lord of Shadow, right?"

"OMG, you're ruining the moment. Keep your mouth shut and stop pointing it out!"

"I want to see your face~"

"No."

"No one will ever take your place, you know~"

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO ANNOYING. CAN'T YOU JUST STICK TO THE SCRIPT?"

"But it's Sherlock's job to be the crazy one, Watson."

"No role-playing."

"Come to think of it, we never finished our D&D session."

"YAMETE KUDASTOP"

You lost it when he started to laugh. Since you were sharing the same brain cell most of the time, you couldn't help but laugh as well. It was cathartic. You missed this. You will miss this.

"I don't want to go back."

"Lucifer will get mad at you if you don't."

You shook your head. You were now facing each other, sharing laughs and smiles like your usual days at RAD. "I meant the human world."

"Oh…"

"Just kidding." but not really. You just didn't want to bring up yet another elephant in the room. Everyone had too much shit to deal with right now.

"If you stay here any longer, the raid will be finished. Isn't Solomon participating for that rare drop or something?"

"That fucking whale."

"Go. Kick his ass!"

And so you've heard his infamous OOOOOHHHHHS on dance battles when he was pumped up. You snorted.

"I'LL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON MY RANKINGS. WATCH ME PULVERISE THAT NORMIE"

"Mhm! I'm gonna retweet every post."

"Distract him with chain messages-"

"Oh, you bet I'm gonna keep texting him at the speed of light!"

"I shall bear thee only good news on the morrow."

"Tally ho! Make this old friend of yours proud!"

Despite your support however, your limited data connection at RAD, as well as Solomon's silence indicated your sabotage had been a failure. And to make matters worse, the said son of a gun mockingly responded to you near the end of the boss raid.

Huh? He wasn't replying anymore. Judging from the raid's usual patterns, he must be messing with Levi right now. You texted Levi a few emojis, hoping it conveyed your full emotional support and he only sent a "T__T" back. Guess it's Solomon roasting hours  for the next pajama night, huh. Again. Asmodeus would be thrilled.

Got to say though, annoying Solomon and being toxic online with Levi had distracted you from the gravity of your situation. While simmering in your own thoughts is great, if those thoughts only consisted of negativity and self-hatred, then you'd want to have a temporary escape--needless to say, it was a welcome distraction. You hoped the next few days away from the House of Lamentation would be as well. You decided to put off doing the other rounds for the booths once you wake up, and instead contented yourself with fiddling with the makeup kit that Asmo had prepared for you. It was sweet of him to buy you the lipstick you wanted so much, not helping but  wonder how he remembered something you said so long ago.

"I don't know, this colour doesn't look good on me. Oh, it would be better if Asmo were here!"

Honestly? You looked like a clown. 👁️👄👁️

Try as you might to fix your look, it only got worse(must be the puffy eyes not helping too). If you place another layer of eyeshadow on your eyelids, you would be the entire circus.

.

.

.

Actually, you felt like you're the entire circus already. You had the clown look down to a tee, and everyone around you was laughing at your every move. Fuck. You are an actual clown right now--

Shit. You're dreaming.

For some reason, Levi was juggling Ruri-chan figurines at one corner, while Asmo was raving about how he's the "prettiest bearded lady ever". You saw some familiar faces in the crowd, an amused Luke clapping and absorbing everything he saw with vivid cheer, and a flustered Simeon trying to calm him down. A parallel of their dynamic was also observed with the excitable Lord Diavolo, cheering for Lucy the Lion to jump the ring of fire, while Barbatos repeated his pleas for his liege to keep his voice down in futility.  The sadistic ring master Solomon, calling you and everyone else as his toys, commanded you to "be more funny", and when you didn't oblige, cold water was splashed at you. Ah! Mammon almost fell from the tightrope! That was a close call! From another corner of the room, you saw Satan turn visibly green after doing multiple aerial tricks at the flying trapeze; Belphie was often woken up by him, as the youngest sibling kept falling asleep when he was about to catch him. Will he wake up or will Satan die? Their acts were easily the most anticipated at the circus. Beel was supposed to be the elephant balancing on a ball, but got distracted by a bag of peanuts from the audience and had to be removed from the main acts.

"Do something funny, clown!" the crowd booed at you as you continued gawking. You felt cold all over thanks to the water,  that even when you hugged yourself and tried to rub your hands, you only felt number and number. The boos got louder, and more water was thrown at you until you've had enough of that and you couldn't help but say,

"Can't a clown have their rights?!"

…then you suddenly felt really warm and woke up, seeing a blanket wrapped around you.

A hooded figure backed away and attempted to flee, but you responded quickly and grabbed his arm.

…he's warm. Really warm. Feverish even.

"Who are you?" you glared at him, and he only struggled to get away from you and didn't answer.

"Silence huh? You're one stubborn ghost.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wait. There can't be a ghost here. What are you?"

The hooded figure seemed hesitant, but with no ways to escape, he finally spoke to you. "You're right. I am a ghost and you're still in a dream."

Oh. That makes sense. If he's a ghost and you can touch him in this empty classroom, then he might just be right. Even so, you didn't let him go. He was too suspicious. "And, what are you doing out here, ghost?"

You couldn't see his face as it was too dark.

"Are you trying to kill me-"

"Never! I would not let anyone do that again!"

Again? This ghost says some weird stuff.

"You looked really cold, so I…"

Come to think of it, besides your exposed fingers that was grasping his arm, you felt really warm and comfy. "Oh, thanks. I didn't know ghosts can touch physical objects. Wow, this dream is weird."

"...I won't leave. Please warm your hands. They're freezing."

True to his word, the feverish ghost sat on the floor and faced you. You couldn't tell his expressions, but he did seem uneasy since he was looking at every corner of the room.

"Mr. Ghost, aren't you cold? You can share the blanket if you want.

.

.

.

.

Ghost?"

"...you are far too defenseless." He sounded angry. "Why must you ask a ghost that? What if I curse you?"

"Woah okay, no sharing the blankets then, sheesh. You can't even benefit from a blanket so why so mad, bro?"

"It's a dream so it doesn't have to make sense."

Ohh, he has a point.

"I haven't seen a human like you here for centuries. Your aura is strange as well. Ah! I'm not going to possess you, so please put that holy water down. I only meant that it's dangerous for you to be here alone, you know."

"That's why he put a lot of barriers here. To protect me."

"He?"

"My friend. His name is Satan."

For a ghost, he didn't hover much, and he didn't seem to pull any pranks. Instead, he listened to you, and sometimes even felt concerned for you. Rather than a ghost, he felt like a friend you've known for a very long time.

"Oh, I heard that name before. He and his brothers are famous around here--the Seven Rulers of Hell. They're really powerful."

"Yeah, powerful and kinda dumb."

"Is it okay for you to say that?"

"Yeah, it's fine because if they're dumb, I'm a complete moron."

"Probably not as dumb as a ghost that gets colds. You're good."

"Pfft!"

It was easy to talk to him; he didn't judge you for your opinions, and listened to you with undivided attention. At times, your gut told you that you know this ghost man, that this isn't the first time you've ever had a conversation with each other, that his warmth and kindness felt awfully familiar.

"I wonder what you were like when you were alive? You seem really calm for a ghost."

"My life isn't very interesting. I might have even forgotten about that already, perhaps that's why."

Was it a sore topic? Probably not. You couldn't hear any bitterness in his voice, in fact, it felt like he was at peace.

"What about you? There must be a reason why you're here.

.

.

.

.

I understand if you won't share them with me, I'm sor--"

"I needed to get away," you said, wrapping yourself closer to your warm blanket. "Though I suppose ghosts can't relate. You don't have any more mortal worries to think about."

"That's not true at all," he reassured you. "Being a ghost opens up another load of worries. You're fine the way you are."

"You say that as if you know me."

"...you're right. I'm sorry, I don't know you at all."

Wait. Where did you hear that before?

"Will you visit my dreams again?"

"Probably not. It's for the best."

Oh. You couldn't help but feel disappointed.

"Even if I want to see you again?

.

.

.

.

.

A-are you okay?! That was a really loud impact!"

How the hell could this ghost not pass through objects?! Is he really a ghost?! At least act like a normal ghost in your own dreams, sheesh!

"I'm…fine."He reassured you. "I wasn't able to see the armchair--

.

.

.

You're way too close."

"And you're really hot. Your forehead's a furnace!"

The ghost spluttered and put a hand between the two of you. "I have already told you, I am a dumb ghost who can catch colds, so if you value your health, please don't get too close to me."

"Have you ever kissed a clown? In this angle, I can just push you down and--"

"ENOUGH!"

He felt warmer, hiding his face completely under his hood. "Please move away."

"Not until you agree I'll see you again."

"I cannot control your dreams."

"But you haven't even tried yet!"

"You're being ridiculous."

"So what? This is my dream! If I want to see you again then I could, couldn't I?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

"It's not funny!"

"I apologise. I couldn't help it. You're the most amusing human I have ever talked to. You have touched this old soul's heart, enough perhaps to finally depart for the afterlife.

.

.

.

.

Don't look so disappointed; it was a mere jest. I have some time left to spare. If you would have me, then I would be happy to keep you company."

You only said those words because he seemed like he was about to leave---but with his promise of company, your heart calmed down. You've had several conversations with that weird mellow ghost who couldn't do his job properly; a presence, though surreal was something you badly needed,someone who didn't know you at all but felt the opposite. You talked like age-old friends in that cold and empty classroom, growing familiar with his laughter, the shadow of a smile under his hood he refused to take off. A kind, and sometimes seemingly all-knowing worldliness that was almost ethereal. Then again, he was a ghost, so you supposed it was fitting for his personality.

"...I see. A love for an enigma you've only known through penned words, and a love you wanted to feel for someone who held you dearly. That is a difficult situation. Is that why you have claimed this space as your temporary dwelling?"

You nodded. "It's better to keep my distance from Mammon for now. If I act kindly, won't he misunderstand? I don't want to give him false hope. He deserves better."

"You're not angry that he kept things from you?"

"Eh?"

"Ah?

.

.

.

.

.

Did that thought perhaps, never cross your mind?"

"No…should I be angry?"

The ghost sighed to himself and you felt his warm, feverish breaths next to you. "Honestly, what was I expecting? If you could be friendly with a ghostly invader from your dreams, of course such an ill thought would never cross your mind."

The moonlight illuminated through the classroom's windows, casting a pale yellow light that revealed your new friend's warm smiles.

"You're lovable like that, I suppose."

...huh?

Did your heart just skip a beat? And why did he remind you of someone just now?

"Your blanket had come undone. Wait, allow me."

Unusually warm was the ghost of a man standing closely beside you. He wrapped the blanket back around you and you realised you couldn't breathe, intoxicated by the beauty of his smiles. His touches were light, as if trying his all to not make contact with you, proper and gentlemanly, almost to the point of stuffiness.

"There. You're warm again."

!!!

Why didn't you realise sooner?

...why did you feel like crying?

"An argument is one thing, but this is quite a reckless decision. Sigh. What am I going to do with you?

.

.

.

You must take better care of yourself."

A gentle hand that stroked your head, his familiar warmth. His voice. His gestures. Even his scolding. Why did it feel like you know this person?

And if you do, is he important to you?

...was he?

...why? Why ' was' ? Was he not important to you anymore?

"I wish I could take away all of your pain, but I could only do so much. They dragged you here without even asking if you're okay with it, and now one of them is even causing you this heartache. Not that I have the right to get angry for your sake.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It's all right to feel surfeited. Your emotions are valid, no matter what other people will say. You shouldn't force yourself to love someone. It would be cruel to both of you."

"It's you."

"I beg your pardon?"

"It is you!"

You couldn't help it. The tears just started to flow on their own.

"Wh--

.

.

!!!"

You didn't want to let him go.

"I found you…"

"..."

If this was all a dream and he isn't real, then can't he stay there with you a bit longer? You can hear his clothes rustle as he struggled to take your arms away from his body, pausing (perhaps he's looking at you, you don't know), his breath dangerously close to yours.

You don't even need to know his name. His presence, the way he carries himself, as well as the way he spoke made you certain that he was your beloved letter sender.

So why couldn't you see what he looked like even in your dream?

You could feel him resisting when you pulled him closer to you, cheeks warm on the crook of your neck.

"I think I love you..."

"This is just a dream. Mammon is waiting for you. Everyone is. You cannot stay here."

"Dream? I don't care. Why did you write that and make me fall for you when you can't even fight for me? Why? Are you going to say all that you've written is a joke?"

"It's not..."

"Then why can't you confess to me like a normal person?"

"I'm sorry."

"I love you."

Despite not being able to see him, you could feel that there was a wistful smile on his face.

"You don't even know me."

"But--"

"I do love you too. I still love you. I wish I could-- No, I should not. After all this time...even if..."

"Do we know each other?"

"This is just a dream."

"Do we know each other?!"

"...no."

"You're lying."

"...it's the truth." He looked down, finally free from the grip of your hold. "I must go. You should too. You cannot stay in a dream forever. At some point, you should start facing reality."

"..."

"I'm no good for you. I mean it. A coward who cannot  even tell you his name will never be good enough. I'm sorry for hurting you."

Why does he feel so familiar then? What is this ache in your chest? You wanted to wake up and face him, maybe then you'd know why hearing him caused you to feel this way. However, sleep was beckoning you in that ridiculous dream and you can hardly strain your ears to listen to him as you felt drowsier by the second.

"...I'm sorry. Despite everything I did, I feel like that's all I could ever say to you. Forget about what you read. Yes, when you wake up, all of your sadness shall disappear. I'll make sure of it. You will be happy again. So please...

.

..

.

..

.

.

don't remember me at all--"

Why is he so sure? It's almost arrogant of him to assume for you. But the security of his words felt like he was saying things for certain, that he can actually do the impossible.

"Can't you at least tell me your name?"

"I can't …it was a short time we've known each other but I'll treasure it forever. This is just a dream, so I hope it will stay that way for you."

He talked way too much. If he's going to disappear after this dream is over anyway, then you'd rather make the most of it!

!!!

You leaned forward and felt his lips on yours, feeling the jolt on his body, startled by your gestures. However, he said one thing and did another, much like the forced propriety in his letter, he came undone in your embrace and deepened the kiss, feeling every corner of your mouth. You did the same, closing your eyes and relishing every feverish moment, unsure of time passing as you felt his warmth against yours.

It was such a shame you couldn't see his face. He must have looked lovely right now with his flushed face and his adorably confused, glazed look. Pulling away from him only initiated another kiss, and another. And another, as if making up for lost time. The ones he initiated drowned you, feverish yourself; feeling the intensity of his passions as you melted into each other.

Why did he tell you you could never work out? Your bodies said otherwise. You wanted more. To be closer to him, to get to know him, to call him by his name, to share those three words with him, to hear him say them back.

"I love you…."

You muttered out of breath as your lips parted from the numerous kisses you shared. You could hear him breathing softly beside you, yet he only answered you in silence.

The warm hand stroking your head was gone, the familiar warmth and kindness...

.

.

.

.

familiar?

.

.

.

Who?

When you woke up, a warm blanket was wrapped around you--one that you didn't remember having when you slept. And any remnant of someone ever giving it to you, even in a distant dream was gone...

"Hm? What's this?"

[ Obtained KEY 4: ~Receipt~ ]

>View it here

>continue to next scenario

...or so you thought.

💌💌💌

[ You have unlocked a new chatroom in MEMORIA 7. ]

💌Read it here

💌Continue to next scenario

💌masterlist

[clickbaitcas]

I feel like the cast itself is protective of Misha but even they have so much power especially when Jared seems okay with not helping or ye help but joy help them.

I mean it’s kinda like how Jensen (and Misha but as sad as it is he probably wasn’t asked about anything) could really do nothing to help with the final.

As much as I love supernatural I’m really happy it’s ended. For the characters that won’t have to go through any more terrible stuff and the cast that deserves so much better.

But yeah I think the cast has a soft spot for Misha but they can’t really speak up in public and they couldn’t do much on set. (Another reason why I’m convinced that most of the writers if not all didn’t try to get the ending we wanted and instead stayed silent even if they didn’t agree)

I definitely think the cast (possibly with the exclusion of j*red but idk) loves Misha or at the very least respects him. I mean okay regarding j*red and Misha idk I think Misha was friends with him bc he had to be but you can't take that much shit from someone and Not still actively wanna be friends yknow? I doubt j*red has respect for Misha and his acting ability bc I think he's probably jealous oh either the jenmish relationship or just bc everyone knows Mish is a better actor. This is spec tho and biased bc I don't like j*red so don't listen to that.

I DO however think that showrunners (s*nger, gamble, and to a lesser extent dabb) either didn't like Misha, didn't like his interference with the show (ruining the "brothers" focus), or just.... didn't like Cas as a character. I mean I think s*nger definitely didn't like Cas interfering with the brothers storyline because to him it's a show abt Sam and Dean, not about Cas. He also was the one who joked about Misha being expendable soooo I don't think he particularly likes Misha. Gamble.... Idk enough about her except that she was the one who tried to write Cas off in s7. Dabb is supposedly a Cas girl but idk he's made comments about Misha too (I don't remember if this was him or s*nger but I think he was the one who said Mish was disposable). And like those were "jokes" but (like greer keeps saying) all jokes have a grain of truth about them.

I also think buckleming don't like Cas as a character. They're terrible tho so their opinions don't matter but leming and s*nger were on the Stacey Abrams zoom in the same box which idk if they're married or something but they probably have the same bronly perspective. I know Bobo was on our side and tried to get the ending we wanted. He wouldn't have written 15x18 like that if he didn't. I'm not convinced about dabb tho. There are breadcrumbs that suggest each side. I'm talking about those 3 bc they wrote the last 3 eps lol. There were other dabb episodes earlier in the season that should have suggested the ending we deserved but then he wrote that and I don't know what I think yet. I'm not gonna praise him but I'm not gonna dunk on him either. I will praise Bobo tho I love that man.

I know for a fact that the majority of the cast adores Misha. I mean, cockles. Misha and osric had a whole thing going for a bit. There's just so much positive interaction between Misha and the cast (j*red excluded). I don't have many examples other than cockles tho and this one really cute pic I saw earlier today of Misha resting his head on Jim beaver's shoulder (sadly I didn't save it but if I see it again I'll post it it's really cute). But I just get the feelings the cast or most of them at least adore Misha. Ruthie definitely loves him (see her Instagram and just she looks at him with such respect I love them). And like I said I'm conflicted abt my feelings on j*red and Misha's "friendship" but.... Ugh idk you don't try and mess someone up that much while you're working bc you respect them. Jensen did say they prank Mish the most bc they love him the best but... It got the the point where j*red wasn't even allowed on set unless he was in the scene!! So do with that what you will.

And I agree with you that they probably were seeing these things happening to Misha and were powerless to stop it. I mean there's a theory (I think it's a theory) that mark s saw what they were doing to Mish and didn't wanna take on a bigger part in the show for fear of that happening to him! (I think that was puck who said it but sjdks correct me if I'm wrong I have a goldfish memory). The only time I've ever heard of cast interfering with Misha being treated like shit was when jensen had to basically go on strike if they didn't let Misha go home and get better when he was literally running a fever. Also yea they definitely can't speak up about how Misha was treated at cons or anything bc they'd either get fired or sued or something bc it's a corporate network and yea legality things. I think to some degree they want to, which is how we get these breadcrumbs told in a joking/fond tone but like actually insinuating at bigger hijinks bts.

Lastly, I agree. I'm sad to see it go, but I do think the decision to end was a good one. It's just.... The way it ended that's so frustrating because our characters deserved so much better!! I have a lot to say on this that goes deeper into it, but for now I will just leave it at. 15 years is an incredible accomplishment. I truly believe they wouldn't have gotten that far if it weren't for Misha. And I hate the ending. I think it was a terrible disservice to characters who deserved peace. Dean and cas deserved to retire together and Dean deserved to work as a mechanic or fire fighter or whatever that job application was for. Sam and Eileen deserved to be Bobby and say they're retired but when someone needs help they go and help and they're always there if someone needs information on a specific monster. Charlie and Stevie deserved to be together. Jody, Donna and the girls deserved to be happy. Jack should have stayed with sam and Eileen in the bunker. They just deserved to finally be able to rest and do what they loved!!! The finale is so fucking stupid and terrible. That's why I'm still holding out for the jackles chaos machine 6 episode miniseries to go into production and completely ignore the last episode.

[cobraonthecob]

Stop Holding Each Other Back, Dang It! - Part 1

Another messy anti-Kataa/ng essay no one asked for but this has been on my mind for two hours so I’m writing it anyways.

Narratively speaking, Kataa/ng makes zero sense. No symbolism that fits the themes of the show is probably my biggest strike against K/ataang, but there’s another part: How they hold each other back, specifically, how Ka.tara (intentionally or not) holds Aan/g back. 

Part 1 is going to be about how K.atara holds Aa/ng’s development, Part 2 is going to be how Aan/g and K/ataang overshadowed Katara and just...well, y’all know how LoK and the comics went.

(this is all going to be from memory so if I miss an episode...rip) 

And now on with the messily thrown together meta! :D

Let’s start with the Southern Air Temple. She covers up the Fire Nation helmet in an attempt to spare his feelings, and this brutally backfires on her when Momo leads Aa.ng to Gyatso’s skeleton and goes into the Avatar State in order to process his grief and shock. 

The next major episode is The Storm, when Kat.ara tells Aan.g that his running away issue is not a bad problem. Yes and no, on that statement. On one hand, it let him survive the Air Nomad Genocide, but on the other hand, he still ran away. I wouldn’t have had a big problem with this had it not been continually rewarded (something I might’ve mentioned in my Bumbleby and K.ataang contrast meta). 

After these two episodes, the show shows in little ways on how much faith Ka.tara puts onto Aa.ng on him being the last hope for the world and also increases her motherly drive to protect him. This especially pops up in Bitter Work.

With a new teacher comes a new teaching style, and Top.h does not pull her punches. Where Katar.a is gentle, T.oph is tough, where Kat.ara coddles, To.ph essentially throws A.ang onto his face. Top.h is critical and almost brutal at times, whereas Kata.ra encourages and gently corrects, which probably stems from The Waterbending Scroll, where the one time Ka.tara does get to snap at A.ang, Aa/ng nearly cries and she freaks out and apologizes for being frustrated (I remember someone talking about Kata.ra’s reaction being “I’m the worst mom ever” lol, if I find it I’ll reblog it). Kat.ara, already having abandonment issues/unable to hurt Aang’s feelings in a way that would lead to character growth with Aang (running away in The Storm, nearly crying when she snaps at him in The Waterbending Scroll) already shows Kata.ra and A.ang’s incompatibility. Sure, it’s nice that your partner encourages you, but not to the point where they blind themselves to your faults. Other people have written metas that better articulate this point.

I could say Bitter Work foreshadows K.atara unknowingly holding Aan/g back, as later in the season in The Guru, A.ang gives up mastering the Avatar State in favor of rescuing Ka/tara (because apparently being a minute away from mastering the AS is a problem? He was ready to give it all up until he saw that Kata.ra was in trouble, and if he mastered the AS, he’d really be able to save her so???? I need to make another meta about this oh dear) Kat.ara coddles him, strokes his ego, and kisses his boo-boos, along with looking to him as the pinnacle of hope and peace. To a 12-year-old, this looks like the ideal girlfriend, and I don’t exactly fault him for thinking that given that he’s twelve and this is his first full-on crush (and then the narrative goes on to reward him with her. Ew. *shudders*)

However, A.ang’s growth suffers because of Kat.ara’s mothering/overprotectiveness (Katara treats him vastly different than Top.h and Sok.ka, let’s be real, she goes through T.oph’s stuff in The Runaway and gives Sokk.a a piece of her mind) - sure, he does deserve encouragement, but sometimes, you got to give someone a shove or a kick in the pants to make them do something. Kata.ra soothing A.ang’s ego didn’t really help him earthbend at all, all it did was get him to understand that learning to earthbend was not going to be a walk in the park learning waterbending was. I might be confusing fanon with canon bc sometimes fics are just that good, but other instances in the show has Kata/ra being gentle with A.ang or never having them address the issue. honestly i would kill to see a convo between them about why Aa.ng didn’t master the Avatar State before coming to rescue Ka.tara but that’s a fic for another time

TL;DR: Kataa/ng is on really shaky foundation once you get past the lack of symbolism and inability to tie in with the show’s themes, and is further hit due to K/atara being way too protective of Aan.g to see his faults properly. There’s a lot of baggage to unpack that deserves a meta or a fix-it fic (as if I didn’t have like ten of those sitting around my drive already) of its own to expand on. Past meta have also talked about the one-sidedness of Katara and Aang’s relationship in how much the emotional support goes to and how poorly they communicate what they actually want.