#bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.

[fleshdyke]

[buckymorelikefuckme]

and baby makes three

(the reboot)

bucky barnes x fem reader

words: 11.3k

warnings: **18+ ONLY** friends to lovers, pining, smut, oral (f receiving), breeding kink, pregnancy kink, cockwarming (kind of??), trigger warning for having troubles with getting pregnant. it's still super fuckin soft despite all of that though, i swear.

a/n: okay so it's currently 6am as i'm typing this and i haven't been to sleep yet bc i decided to just heavily edit this instead of rewrite it bc i'm lazy i guess idk. this was posted originally back in 2021 i believe and it's still on ao3 it's just orphaned rip. i promise i'll be writing and posting new stuff soon ok pls have faith in me and cheer me on bc it's hard and scary and i don't wanna disappoint anybody :( ANYWAY, as usual, any and all mistakes are my own. if i've missed anything important pls let me know so i can correct it. feedback is encouraged (pls) and appreciated (i am begging...)

The idea of you having a child one day always seemed foreign and very unlikely. Sure, you liked kids well enough, but having one of your own…

It’s a thought that’s sat in a corner deep in your mind, buried beneath a million other impossible concepts; a thought that you’ve only ever glanced over and never gave your full attention, having ruled it out ages ago as something you just couldn’t—or wouldn’t—do.

And then, on a day like any other, it pushes its way to the forefront of your mind, making itself known and unwilling to leave.

You’re going into the clothing store to find a new cardigan after your most favorite one got eaten by the dryer. Usually you’re a single-minded shopper, walking into a store with tunnel vision and on a mission to get what you need and that’s it.

Today, however, you make the mistake of letting your eyes wander on your way to the sweater section. Your gaze just so happens to land on the baby clothes… and your steps falter. It’s there that you see it, a tiny, pink onesie with a sleeping teddy bear printed on the front, displayed on an even tinier hanger. There’s matching pants with teddy bears all over them and ruffles on the butt and all your brain can muster up is cutecutecutecutecute.

Your feet carry you closer and before you realize what you’re doing you pick up the outfit, letting out a coo when you realize the teddy bear is fuzzy, softly rubbing your thumb across it. Somehow, you walk out of the store, not with a new cardigan, but with the cute baby outfit and a bow you thought looked adorable with it.

It’s not until you get home that it hits you, that you bought baby clothes for a baby you don’t even have.

The feeling that rushes through you is hard to describe. Shame? Embarrassment?

...Yearning?

No. Definitely not. Nope.

There’s absolutely no yearning going on here, not for a baby. You’ve never even had that desire before and you certainly don’t see yourself having it now. You shake your head to clear it, telling yourself you’ll take it back tomorrow.

Except you don’t take it back. You conveniently “forget” and it stays shoved on the top shelf in your hall closet. You pretend you don’t pause in front of said closet throughout the following days—weeks—chewing on the inside of your cheek and staring at the door like you can see through the wood at the evidence of your impulsive purchase.

It gets harder to ignore, though, when you start getting ads for baby clothing brands. And baby toys, bottles, handy little gadgets for new parents, nursery decor… It’s endless.

Then, as if it wasn’t already bad enough, all of your childhood friends start popping out babies like it’s a brand new trend. You don't think you've seen your social media this flooded with pregnancy announcements and baby arrivals, ever. Your emotions are mixed; happy for them, and for their excitement, but there’s also a weird discomfort settled in your stomach.

You hesitate to be that person who thinks the universe is trying to tell you something, but you do wonder. Why else would you suddenly have these feelings? Why else would there be baby stuff everywhere you look now?

It brings on other thoughts, as well. In this day and age, it’s not too unusual for women to have babies without being married, or without a significant other at all. There is the pressure, still, to at least be in a relationship, but considering you’ve been practically in love with one of your closest friends for the last two years, it’s safe to say that you’re tragically single, so having a baby with someone is out of the question.

And god, do you even want a baby?

As soon as the thought crosses your mind, with a sudden clarity that hits you like a ton of bricks, you realize you do. It feels like a freight train has slammed into you. Your mind’s eye supplies you with images of a swollen belly and wide smile, a precious baby wrapped in a soft blanket, cradled in your arms, a gummy grin and happy giggle.

Emotion consumes you then, longing like you’ve never felt in your life, chest aching with how badly you want that.

It’s not as if you’re too young. You’re plenty old enough and you’ve got a secure job. You don’t subscribe to that whole biological clock nonsense, but you do feel that if you are going to potentially have a baby, it might be better to do it now while you’re still in relatively good health.

You groan, dropping your face into your open palms, the movie you'd been watching to try and distract yourself long forgotten as it continues to play on the television.

This is a lot to think about, you ponder to yourself. Taking a deep breath in and releasing it slowly, you decide the mature thing to do is give yourself more time to ruminate on it. Having a baby is no small decision. You need to be absolutely certain it’s what you want. It’s going to change your entire life, everything, and you’d be responsible for a new life. So, you’ll have to give yourself a few months to decide and then you can go from there.

***

You’re scrolling through yet another article on your laptop, engrossed in every detail of the process of artificial insemination and the symptoms and side effects that come with it. So engrossed, in fact, that you don’t hear the key turning in the lock, the door opening and closing, and the heavy footfalls that follow.

It’s only when Bucky asks, “Whatcha reading?” that you are even aware of his presence.

You startle so hard that your knee slams into the underside of your table. Ignoring the throbbing pain in your knee and your wildly beating heart, you close your laptop with a snap and turn to Bucky.

“You could knock,” you grouse.

“Why give me a key, then?” he retorts, unapologetic.

You roll your eyes and grumble under your breath, “Clearly, it was a mistake.”

“You didn’t answer me.”

Brows furrowed, you ask, “What?”

He gestures to your laptop. “What were you reading? Your nose was nearly smushed against the screen.”

You blink, trying to think of a reasonable excuse and coming up empty.

“Nothing,” is all your brilliant mind can supply.

Bucky’s eyes narrow for a few seconds, and you pray to every higher power and all that is holy and good that he won’t press further. You remain frozen under Bucky’s suspicious stare, hearing that Old West shootout music playing in your mind.

Thankfully, it seems the deities are feeling indulgent, as Bucky chooses let it go.

He holds up the bags he carried in. “I brought lunch.”

You perk up instantly. “Did you go to that one place—?”

“With the fried rice you like so much, yes,” he finishes for you, smiling.

“You’re the best,” you sigh, stomach rumbling eagerly.

“I know,” he replies, solemn and dramatic like the idiot he is.

He begins taking out the styrofoam boxes and chattering on about something dumb Steve did the other day, and you mean to listen, you really do. It’s just. That article is still lingering in your brain. There’s so many steps and hassles. Plus, it’s not cheap. It would be a hefty investment.

You’d only researched it because, after months of contemplating the pros and cons of having a baby, you determined the pros far outweigh the cons. But then the problem was: how to even make it happen.

Your first thought was that you didn’t think you’d let just any man come inside you, for many obvious reasons. You’d shuddered to think of it. Then there was surrogacy, which is admirable and wonderful, but you’d quickly dismissed that idea as you realized you wanted to actually carry the baby yourself. So that led you to artificial insemination. You weren’t sure how you felt about it yet. There was something a little too clinical about choosing a random man’s sperm to have injected into your uterus.

Bucky’s still speaking as he grabs plates and forks, unaware of your inner monologue. “And then he got Sam involved,” he’s saying, scooping out food onto the plates, “which, as you know, I always think is a dumb thing to do.”

“I want to have a baby,” you blurt, eyes widening at your outburst.

Bucky fumbles with the spoon, sending fried rice flying, muttering curses as he tries to catch it with no luck as it lands with a dull clunk on the table. The silence that follows is loud. It feels like your heart is in your throat as you wait for him to just say something, anything.

“This is… quite a mess I’ve made,” Bucky finally observes. His voice is a bit higher than usual. “Where’s your vacuum? Actually, do you have one of those mini ones? Or would Clorox wipes be better? You know what, I’ll do both.”

He nods decisively then turns an expectant look towards you. His eyes look a bit wild, but you wisely keep that to yourself.

Wordlessly, you direct him to your hall closet. You realize your error a second too late when he opens the closet and reaches for the vacuum on the top shelf, where the purchase you’d made months ago also rests. His fingers get caught in the plastic bag when he grabs the handheld vacuum and its contents spill out. He goes to catch them right away, but once it registers what they are, he lets go of them like they’re on fire and nearly drops the vacuum on his foot.

Heat has been steadily creeping up your neck, but now your whole body feels aflame with embarrassment. The two of you stare at the baby clothes lying unassumingly on the floor for a long moment, until Bucky quietly walks back to the table with the vacuum clutched tightly in his fist. He flicks the switch on and it whirs to life, sucking up the bits of rice scattered around the table.

There’s another lengthy silence after he turns the vacuum off and you're unable to find the right thing to say to break it. Bucky does it for you.

“So… You’re serious.”

You meet his eyes and sigh heavily. “Yeah.”

He blinks a few times before clearing his throat, schooling his expression carefully. “I didn’t realize you were seeing someone.”

You cough lightly and start picking the peas out of your fried rice. “Well, that would be because I’m not.”

“I don’t think I follow,” he admits slowly.

You sigh again, lowering your gaze to your lap. “Look, I’ve thought about this a lot, okay? I’ve given myself months to really make sure it’s what I want. I’m in a good place in my life to have one, Bucky, and I don’t want to feel pressured to wait until I might get married.” You lift your gaze to his. “I want to have a baby,” you repeat firmly. “And I don’t need a partner to have one.”

You’re not sure why you feel the need to defend yourself. It’s not up to Bucky what you decide to do. You don’t need his approval, or anyone else’s. Maybe it’s because, even though you know it's not true, it feels like you're making too hasty of a decision.

After a beat, Bucky amends, “Well, I mean… You do…”

“Oh my god, shut up, you know what I mean,” you groan as you smack his arm, glad that he's not calling you crazy or trying to talk you out of it.

He doesn’t even flinch, the jerk.

“Wait, so what were you reading when I got here?” he suddenly questions, brows furrowed.

“Nothing,” you say too quickly, guiltily.

“Let me see your laptop then,” he counters as he crosses his arms over his chest.

You flounder for a second, scoffing. “What? No!”

“It can’t be that embarrassing, just show me,” he wheedles.

“Absolutely not.”

“Let me see!”

“It’s private!”

“Don’t be a chicken.”

Your eye twitches. “I’m not a chicken.” Bucky smirks and before he can even open his mouth you interject with a finger pointed accusingly at his face, “Do not start clucking at me, Bucky. I’ll kick your ass,” you threaten, though it's weak and you're not the only one who knows it.

You glare when his smirk only widens. Slowly, he moves his arms like he’s gonna flap them like chicken wings.

“Ugh! God, fine! You wanna know what I was reading?” You open your laptop and slide it over to him, turning it to where he can read it. “There.”

Bucky scans the page, then scans it again, eyes flicking all over like it’s in a different language. His cheeks grow redder and redder as he reads and you get a small sense of satisfaction at the sight.

“Wow,” he mutters finally. “You’re turkey baster serious.”

“James Buchanan Barnes,” you say, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“What?” he asks innocently.

When you make eye contact with him, you purse your lips to keep the laughter threatening to bubble out at bay, but the ever growing smile on Bucky’s face is hard to resist and you find yourself snorting a laugh that leads to uncontrollable giggles. Bucky’s laughing with you, his eyes crinkling on the sides. The tension you hadn’t realized you held in your shoulders loosens and you nudge his knee with yours in silent thanks.

“So,” he says after you've both calmed down.

“So,” you repeat, dragging it out, drumming your fingers on the tabletop. “I’ve been doing research, checking out all of my options, and while artificial insemination seems like the best choice… I don’t know, there’s just something too clinical about it,” you reply, voicing your concerns, “It doesn’t feel right. I know I said I don’t need a partner, and I don’t, but… Having absolutely no connection is weird.”

You shrug, waving a hand as if to say oh well, putting an end to the conversation, and pick up your plate to carry it over to the microwave. You reheat Bucky’s food while you’re up, and then you both start eating in comfortable silence. He gets halfway through his meal before speaking up.

“Have you… I mean, did you think about… I’ve heard that, uh. Some people ask another person…”

He trails off, clearly frustrated that he can’t just spit out what he’s trying to say. You think you understand what he means, though.

“I read up on surrogacy,” you say, biting your lip. “But I don’t think I’d want someone else to carry my baby.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean—I wasn’t suggesting, uh, that. Not that there’s anything wrong with it!” he rushes to say.

You tilt your head. “What did you mean then?”

“Well,” Bucky starts, stilted, licking his lips. “For the artificial insemination, have you considered… you know. Asking someone you’re close with?”

You frown, not following.

“For—for the sperm,” he clarifies, shifting in his seat.

“Oh,” you breathe, blinking rapidly, surprised as you think of how to reply. “Um. No? I wouldn’t even know who I could ask, to be honest. That’s quite the request, you know? Who would—“

“Me,” he interrupts, determined and cheeks flushed, “I would.”

Your own face heats. “Oh,” you say again, quieter.

You can say, with full confidence, that not once did it cross your mind to ask anyone to help you, but you especially would have never given thought to asking Bucky.

For a list of reasons, really, with “it’s Bucky” being right at the very top. Like—sure, yes, you’re in love with him, but after two years of no signs of reciprocation you’ve learned to stop dreaming, to stop hoping. If the attraction was mutual he would have shown it by now, right? And on top of that, his friendship means the world to you and you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it. You'd never forgive yourself if you ever managed to fuck up the one good, constant thing going for you.

“Bucky,” you start, slow and careful, “this… This isn't something you can just jump into. It’s something you should think about for a while.”

He contemplates that for a second. “You’re right,” he concedes with a nod. “But…” He purses his lips, glancing away for a minute before turning back to you, leaning forward. “Okay listen, this is important for you. It’s going to change your whole life. You said it yourself, not having a connection to the sperm donor feels wrong. You’re my best friend, alright? I—care about you. You should pick someone you can trust.”

He clenches his jaw after he finishes speaking. You sort of hate the way your heart both flutters and plummets at his words. It’s nice to know you matter to him, just not in the way you’ve wanted for too long.

And if you’re really honest with yourself, Bucky would be a great choice as a donor. He’s in great health, has strong features that would look wonderful on any gender. But would you be able to handle the repercussions of having his child? Would you be able to look at your baby and see those features without it sending a pang through your chest every single time? You can’t say for certain.

Yet, the chance to have that type of connection with him, selfishly, sounds too good to pass up.

“At least think about it for a few days,” you murmur reluctantly.

It’s the most acceptance he’ll get and he knows it. A smile blooms across his face and you have to swallow down the warring emotions rising within you.

***

With the amount of research you do on the subject now, it doesn’t take long for you to find out that there are at-home kits for artificial insemination that are much easier (and cheaper). It’s easy to settle on that, clicking on the info to order your kit with butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

You read through the instructions online and it all sounds simple enough, until you get to the part where it says that having an orgasm after injection helps increase your chances of conception.

Blinking, heat crawling up your neck, you read that step several times, hoping you read it wrong, but it doesn’t change.

You… You can’t masturbate with Bucky’s sperm inside you. That’s a line you refuse to cross.

And besides, he’s a healthy man in his thirties who exercises regularly and eats fairly healthy food! You probably—definitely—won’t need to take that step. It’ll be fine. Probably.

Once the kit arrives, you call Bucky and ask him to come over so you can explain the process to him. Since he’s only across the hall of your apartment building, he’s there a moment later, letting himself in with his key.

“Let’s make a baby,” is how he greets you.

“Hold your horses,” you reply, fighting back a laugh. “I gotta walk you through everything first.”

He plops himself down next to you on your couch. “Fine, fine. Go ahead.”

Squaring your shoulders, you begin telling him how it all works, and what parts he is key for. You speak through your awkwardness, avoiding eye contact, when you explain that he’ll need to masturbate into a clean, sterile cup. You leave out how it’s suggested for you to also masturbate, deciding it’s not pertinent information for him to know.

“When do we start?” he asks once you’re done.

“I have to take an ovulation test first to find out the best days for me to conceive, but once I do that we’ll be able to, um.” You gesture vaguely. “I’ll be able to do the injections.”

He nods. “Alright.” He looks at you then, taking your hand in his and giving it a squeeze. “I’ll be here every step of the way, okay?”

“I know,” you say, smiling. “Thank you, Bucky.”

“You’re welcome,” he returns softly.

“No, really, thank you,” you assert. “This is a lot to take on and I can never fully repay you.”

Bucky shakes his head. “I want you to be happy, and I can see that having this baby is going to do that. I’ll do whatever I need to do to ensure it happens.”

You pull him into a hug, willing yourself to not cry. You’re not sure he’ll ever understand what this means for you, personally, or that you’d ever find a way to express it. He’s giving you so much more than just a baby.

***

The first injection time comes and you find yourself fidgeting where you sit as you wait for Bucky to bring over the, uh… sample. You do your best to not think about what he’s doing in his apartment, to not think about exactly how he’s collecting his sperm.

Now is not the time, you mentally scold yourself. Get it together.

A timid knock at your door alerts you to his presence. The fact he’s knocking says a lot about his own level of embarrassment about the situation.

His cheeks are pink when you open the door. “Uh, hi.”

“Hi,” you return.

He clears his throat and lifts the small cup in his hand. “Here’s… well, you know.”

You gingerly take it from him, not knowing what else to say, but when he smiles somewhat crookedly and turns to leave, you find yourself asking, “Will you stay?”

Bucky’s steps pause. “Huh?”

“Will you—I mean… Would you mind staying?” You shift on your feet. “This is a big moment for me. I-I don’t want to do it alone.”

“Are you asking me to…?” He trails off awkwardly.

“Oh! God, no, I wouldn’t—no,” you assure, huffing a laugh, “I’m doing the injection, I just need a little moral support. That’s all.”

Bucky smiles. “Sure, I’ll stay.”

Relief floods through you. You step aside to let him in, closing the door behind him. He follows you to your bedroom and just before entering you stop in your tracks, nearly causing Bucky to bump into you.

“Um,” you mutter, turning to him. “You’ll have to, ah, sit out here,” you explain. “I have to be lying down…”

Understanding dawns on him. “Oh! Right, right, of course. Sorry.”

“I’ll let you know when I’m done,” you promise.

He nods and watches you close the door. You walk over to your bed and sit down, glancing at the syringe you’ll be using and biting the inside of your cheek.

This is it. There’s really no going back after this. Sure, you may not get pregnant the first time, but Bucky’s already said he’d help you for as long as it takes. It’s just… very real now. You don’t feel any doubts, though. You want this.

Inhaling a large breath and slowly letting it out, hands shaking, you take the lid off the cup and pick up the syringe. You remember the instructions, making sure there’s as little air sucked in as possible when you draw out the semen, and getting rid of the few air bubbles that you see. You grab your pillows and lie down, propping them beneath you to lift your hips.

“Here I go,” you mumble to yourself, taking another deep breath and releasing it.

A couple minutes later, the syringe is empty and you’ve got your legs pulled up to your chest. You cover yourself with your blanket and call out Bucky’s name.

“You okay?” you hear through the door.

“Will you come here, please?” you ask.

He walks in cautiously, making sure you’re decently covered before entering fully, wisely not commenting on your position. “Well?”

“I did it,” you whisper.

He stays quiet, letting you parse through your thoughts. You blink when you feel tears threatening to gather in your eyes. He’s beside you in an instant, crawling in the bed and lying down, taking your hand in his.

“Congratulations,” he says softly.

“Don’t congratulate me yet,” you reply, sniffing and wiping at your eyes.

“Still,” he presses. “You’re one step closer now.”

He pulls your hand up and kisses the back of it. You give him a watery smile. The two of you lay there in silence for a moment before Bucky breaks it.

“This isn’t how I pictured myself making a baby.”

It startles a laugh out of you and Bucky grins, pleased to have helped ease the tense atmosphere. He distracts you with idle conversation after that, talking about his plans for the upcoming weekend, asking about yours, tells you about the newest stupid thing Sam did; he talks and talks and talks, until your anxiety is gone, and then he stays to cook dinner for you.

Your hug when he gets ready to head back to his apartment lasts a couple minutes longer than usual. Bucky quietly allows it, dropping a kiss on your forehead when you pull away.

“Same time next week?” he jokes, making you crack a smile.

“Goodbye, Bucky,” you reply exasperatedly as you close your door.

“Bye, sweetheart,” he returns over his shoulder.

***

Weeks pass. More injections. Pregnancy tests taken.

But nothing happens.

All of your tests come back negative.

When reading up on artificial insemination, and pregnancy in general, you’d understood that there was a chance it wouldn’t happen right away. You thought you were fine with that, that you’d be alright with the waiting and all. Looking at your growing collection of negative tests, however, has a sense of dread building within you. You do your best to quell it, telling yourself there’s no need to stress over it. Yet.

Besides, your mind supplies in an overly cheerful manner, there’s still one more method to try!

***

The next time Bucky brings over his sample, he lets himself in, like always, and passes along the cup with an encouraging smile. You try to smile back, but it feels more like a grimace. He either doesn’t notice or he at least pretends not to, thankfully.

But when he goes to make himself comfortable to wait, you’re reminded that you haven’t told him about the, uh… change in procedure, so to speak.

You clear your throat delicately. “I don’t think you’ll need to stick around this time.”

Bucky frowns. “Why not?”

“Because…” You trail off, cheeks pinking, yet not finishing the sentence, because how do you explain this?

“I promised you I’d be here every step of the way,” he recalls. “I intend to keep that promise.”

You wince. “I really appreciate where your heart is, Bucky, I really do, but I literally cannot let you be here for this injection.”

“Why not?”

You look heavenward for mercy. “I have to…”

When you don’t finish your sentence again, Bucky raises a single brow, gesturing for you to go on. “You have to… what?”

You huff, throwing your arms out. “I have to orgasm, okay?”

His eyes go a little bit wide, but you can tell he tries to control his reaction. He swallows, shifting where he sits on the couch.

“Oh,” he mumbles. “Have… have you had to do that before?”

“No. Well, I mean, it was suggested, but I never…”

His eyebrows furrow. “Does it help or something?”

You absently scratch your neck. “They say it increases the chances of conception.”

“But you haven’t been doing… that.”

“I didn’t think I’d need to.”

Bucky inhales like he’s going to say something, but then doesn’t.

“Yeah, so, I don’t think you should be here,” you utter, quickly adding, “No offense.”

“No, yeah, that’s fair, um. I’ll just—I’ll head back to my apartment,” he states as he stands. “You can—I mean, if you still want me to—I can come back over? After you… uh…”

“I’ll let you know,” you reply, voice tight and high.

He nods, looking lost and like he wants to say more but thinks better of it. Finally, he mutters a soft bye and is out the door.

Alone now, your stomach feels like it’s tying itself in knots and your heart is doing its damnedest to beat out of your chest. You try to tell yourself that it’s just another injection, that this is the same as any other time you've done this, but you know it’s not. It's really, really not.

Laying down on your bed, syringe in hand, is much more nerve wracking than before. On your left lies a new addition to your routine. You don’t know why you’re acting like such a prude all the sudden. It’s not like you’ve never masturbated before. Though, you suppose the major difference is that you didn’t have Bucky’s sperm hangin’ out in your vagina all those other times while you did it.

“Quit being such a goober about this,” you tell yourself.

This has to be done for a reason. If you want to have a baby—and you do, very badly—then you’re gonna have to deal with the process.

Once you’ve injected the sperm, you reach for your bullet vibrator next to your left hand. The instructions say not to insert anything, only to stimulate your clit. You try to clear your head, think of it as a chore or something, yet it’s hard not to think of a certain someone.

The vibrator buzzes with the press of a button. You adjust your hips, making sure they’re tilted, then bring the vibrator to your clit. The first touch makes your stomach tense and thighs spasm.

You close your eyes, running the toy along your slit. You really don’t want to drag this out, would prefer to get it over with as quickly as possible, but your mind begins running away with images.

Bucky, settled between your spread thighs, one hand resting on one of them, the other controlling the vibrator. You imagine he’d tease you, slowly trail it along the crease of your thighs, over your hips; everywhere but where you wanted it.

Bucky would probably give in once you whine and beg enough, once your desperation bled into your voice, and hold the vibrator directly to your clit, drink in your cries of pleasure like they’re the finest whisky.

He’d mutter soft but firm encouragement, tell you how good you’re doing, how good you sound. He’d start circling the vibrator, going from quick to lazy swirls, then he’d change the setting to a higher one just to hear you whimper. His free hand would run up your torso to pinch at your nipples for added stimulation.

When you imagine him leaning down to add his tongue into the mix, your mind blanks as your climax hits you, a ragged moan forcing its way out of your throat. You’re quick to turn the vibrator off and toss it to the floor, deciding you’ll worry about cleaning it later, chest heaving as you pant for breath after an intense orgasm.

Shame and embarrassment consume you, mock you for using Bucky to rub one out. You’d given in to the fantasy so easily.

Truthfully, it’s not the first time you’ve thought of him while pleasuring yourself, but the context this time is completely different, and you feel immediately guilty. Admittedly, it’s probably irrational.

That doesn’t stop you from cringing at your actions.

***

You’re sure you’ve bought out the entire pregnancy test section from the convenience store down the block. Currently, there are six different brands in front of you, all promising the most accurate results.

Bucky is sitting in your bedroom, quietly waiting for you to pee on all of them so you can both find out what they say. You chug the last bit of your third bottle of water even though your bladder is fit to burst at any moment. Turning the faucet on for modesty, you make quick work of the tests, then wash your hands.

And wait.

You call Bucky into the bathroom with you. The two of you quietly sit on the edge of your bathtub, counting down the minutes. Part of you wishes Bucky would say something dumb to break the tension, like he usually does, but you're also kind of glad he's just here, next to you, a silent comfort.

It seems like hours have passed when you’re finally sure you can check them.

The first one is negative, and so is the second. The third, however, reads positive. Your heart begins racing, clutching at the counter, but before your hopes get too carried away you read the rest. To your dismay, they are all negative. You stare down at them all, eyes falling on the loan positive test multiple times, knowing that it’s likely a false positive, yet stupidly hoping otherwise.

Your chin wobbles. Bucky hugs you from behind, resting his cheek on your shoulder.

“What do I do, Bucky?”

At your broken whisper, he sighs. “I don’t know, sweetheart.”

Neither of you know what to say or do after that. Bucky continues offering quiet support, his solid presence at your back, and you’re grateful. Eventually, he leads you out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, sitting you down at the table as he starts preparing dinner.

When you’re both eating the spaghetti he made, he breaks the silence.

“Do you think…” he starts, pausing to think of how to phrase his question before carefully carrying on. “Are you going to stop?”

“I don’t want to,” you answer, the implied but hanging heavy in the air.

Bucky sits his fork down. “I know you want this, very much.” He pushes his hair out of his face as he leans forward, elbows settling on the table. “But I hate seeing how sad you get when the tests come out negative. I feel so… powerless. Like I could be doing more or something.”

“You’re doing all you can, Bucky,” you assure.

“That’s the thing, though. I don’t think I am.”

You frown. “What do you mean?”

He licks his lips, locking his fingers together. “I think we should have sex.”

Your fork drops to your plate with a clang, eyes going wide.

“I apologize for how blunt that came out,” he states with a wince. “But, I mean, think about it. You’ve only been using my sperm from a syringe, and up until the last time, you hadn’t been, um, orgasming with it.” You look away, bashful. “I just wonder if maybe trying the old-fashioned way would give you better results.”

“Bucky,” you start, opening and closing your mouth a couple times before shaking your head. “It’s one thing for you to offer your sperm, which I’m thankful for, truly, but… Having sex?”

“I’ve already told you I’m willing to do whatever I need to do,” he retorts earnestly. “Your happiness means a lot to me, okay? I hate sitting around and watching your heart break every week. You’ve tried it your way, now I think we should try mine.”

“I-I don’t know,” you hesitate, chewing on the inside of your cheek, knee beginning to bounce under the table.

His hand slides onto your knee, stilling the movement as he ducks his head to meet your gaze. His eyes are impossibly sincere and your resolve crumbles in an instant.

“It won’t… It’s not going to change anything,” he assures. “I won’t allow it.”

You swallow roughly. He may not, but your heart is going to take its toughest beating yet. It’s going to be hopeless trying to overcome the inevitable emotions that come with sex.

Even so, somehow, your longing for a baby eclipses all of this. Now that you’ve imagined holding your child in your arms, raising them and loving them, you can’t go back. Not anymore.

“Okay,” you allow, softly.

Bucky’s shoulders relax, lips tipping up into a devastating smile.

You’re so fucked. (Pun intended.)

***

Two nights later, you’re pacing in your bedroom, impatiently waiting for Bucky to arrive. You’d been unsure whether or not you should dress up. You didn’t see the point, honestly. Still, a small part of you wondered what his reaction would be if he saw you all done up in lingerie. At the moment, you’re in an oversized t-shirt and pajama shorts.

It’s Bucky, you think, and this isn’t a normal situation, it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing.

You hear his key turning in the lock then and your heart begins hammering away. He calls your name as he enters.

“In here,” you reply, twisting your fingers nervously.

He walks into your room looking just as on edge as you are. He also seems to have had the same idea about his attire, comfortable in his white tee and sweatpants. His feet are bare and for whatever reason that feels way more intimate than it has any right to.

“Hey,” he greets.

“Hi.”

You bite your lip, eyes flitting around your room and coming back to settle on Bucky. He huffs.

“This is ridiculous,” he declares, “It’s just us.”

“Right,” you nod, biting the inside of your cheek.

“It’s not gonna be weird.”

“Nope.”

His jaw ticks. You stare back at him. It only takes a moment for you to realize that somebody has to make the first move, so you steel yourself and turn on your heel, walking towards your bed.

“I’m keeping my shirt on,” you announce as you unceremoniously drop onto the mattress, grabbing your pillows to stuff them under you.

Bucky follows at a sedate pace, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. He pauses next to you, taking a second to roll his shoulders, then he climbs in and settles in front of your bent legs. He gingerly places his hands on your knees.

“May I?” he asks.

Mouth suddenly dry, you nod. He moves his hands to the waistband of your shorts and tugs. You lift your hips to help him slide them down and off, along with your underwear. Gently, he spreads your legs.

Your breathing has picked up considerably, eyes firmly trained on the ceiling. You know you’re already wet and are blessedly thankful he doesn’t mention it.

The first slide of his fingers has you inhaling sharply. He slowly gathers your slick and trails it up to your clit, lightly circling it. Your mind recalls your fantasy, but you quickly shove it back to the depths of your thoughts, lest you do something idiotic like tell him about it.

He spreads your legs more, adjusting his position between them. His fingers move down until he can sink one into you. You gasp, hands shooting out to grasp your sheets. He wastes no time and begins thrusting his finger inside you.

It becomes quickly apparent to you that it’s going to be very difficult to hold back any noise or reactions. Goddamnit, you will try, though!

When he decides it’s time to add another finger, you feel yourself clench around them, and his soft fuck does not go unnoticed, evident in the way your pussy traitorously clenches again.

“Can I…?” he asks, voice cracking, but doesn’t finish his thought, making you have to break your staring contest with the ceiling and look at him.

He’s not even looking back at you, he’s staring at his fingers, watching them pump in and out of you, half bent over with a slack jaw, like he wants to…

He meets your eyes then, licking his lips.

Oh.

Swallowing around the sudden lump in your throat, knowing you’re probably going to regret it, you nod.

He’s leaning over and sucking on your clit before you can even blink. You cry out, thighs trying to clamp around his head, but his free hand shoots out to hold you open. It makes you squirm, fisting the sheets even tighter. His fingers curl inside you as his tongue licks around them and you whine, high and needy, and then mouth is back on your clit, tongue swiping over it, sucking on it with loud, obscene noises.

His hand comes up to grab the hem of your shirt, shoves it upward until it’s bunched underneath your breasts. Those fingers ghost back down your torso, goosebumps erupting in their wake.

He speeds up his thrusts and your hand flies down to grip his hair. You don’t think you’re meant to hear the quiet grunt he lets out, but you do, and it has you panting even harder. Your orgasm is building, fast, and you pull on his hair in warning.

“Bucky,” you say on a gasp.

Using his arm to hold you down, his free hand joins, thumb swiping over your clit now as he dips his head to slide his tongue in alongside his fingers. It draws a yell out of you, the ever expanding pleasure within you bursting into the hardest orgasm you’ve experienced thus far in your adult life. You know you’re moaning, bucking into the sensations coursing through you, and you’d feel abashed if you didn’t feel so fucking good.

Before you can become too sensitive, Bucky withdraws his fingers and sits up. You can’t even really catch your breath, though, because in the next second he’s whipping his t-shirt off and shoving his sweatpants down far enough to free his cock.

Your thighs do clamp closed then, at the sight of how thick he is, and he tries and fails to keep his smirk hidden.

“Oh, shut up,” you wheeze.

“Didn’t say anything,” he counters.

He doesn’t let you argue, choosing that moment to shuffle closer and line up with your opening. Cautiously, he eases himself inside, inch by inch. Your mouth drops open, brows furrowing as he fills you, stretching you so perfectly. When he’s in as far as he can go, the breath wooshes out of him, his head falling back. You know he’s trying to be polite and let you adjust, but—

“Oh my god, move,” you demand, impatient.

He huffs a laugh, dropping his heavy lidded gaze to yours. “Bossy.”

“Did you really expect anything else—oh!”

The grin he aims your way after grinding into you is downright sinful. You mentally tell yourself to kick him for that later.

He grabs your hips and the pillows and settles you closer to his lap, changing the angle, then pulls out and glides back in, creating a painstakingly slow rhythm.

You have to close your eyes. You can’t look at him anymore. You knew he was probably a god in bed, but to now have firsthand experience? There was no way you’d be able to fuck anyone else without comparing them.

His grip on your hips tightens, the only warning you get before his thrusts turn sharp.

“Fuck,” you cry out, your hands reaching up to grip the pillow beneath your head.

The sound of your skin meeting his is harsh in the otherwise quiet room. Well, okay, you’re not exactly being quiet, but you can’t be blamed for that.

Bucky, however, is nearly silent. The only thing you hear from him is heavy breathing. You wonder if he’s holding back, the thought crossing your mind for a split second, and then you’re clenching around his cock, trying to see if you can gain a reaction. And boy, do you get one.

He grunts and sucks in a breath, lips parting as his eyes squeeze shut. His hips pick up their pace and hair falls into his face. You find yourself wishing he was closer so you could brush it out of the way.

Stop it, you scold yourself.

He pauses to grind into you again, your walls fluttering around his throbbing cock, and you both sigh. Bucky leans forward, hooking your legs into the crooks of his elbows, and resumes his brutal pace.

“O-Oh,” you whimper.

The new angle is heavenly, his cock dragging along a spot inside you that you thought nobody else could find. Unable to help yourself, you clutch at his arms, nails digging in.

“Shit,” he groans, thrusts faltering.

He lets go of one of your legs to slip his hand between you, rubbing at your clit and sending you that much closer to your second orgasm. He can tell you’re close, but you’re gonna need something to push you over the edge. He leans down even closer, breath fanning out against your cheek.

“C’mon,” he pants. “Let go.”

You shiver when his tongue flicks your earlobe and sucks it into his mouth, keening as the pressure builds. He thrusts harder, faster, and when you grasp his hair and pull, he growls and latches on to your shoulder, biting down. You gasp from the added pain and then you’re coming, shuddering and whining through your release. Bucky isn’t far behind, raising up and fucking into you savagely before pausing abruptly, groaning as he finally comes. He lazily thrusts a few more times to draw it out, then stops, stilling with his cock inside you.

Your hair is sticking to your forehead, as well as your shirt to your clammy back, breathing in lungfuls of air. Bucky is softly caressing your thighs, letting out shaky breaths as your pussy continues to flutter around him.

It takes several moments for you to gather your wits, for the rest of the world to come filtering back in. You are truly and completely fucked now, in every sense of the word.

“Well…” You trail off, voice scratchy.

“That was…”

“Mhm,” you mumble.

Bucky sighs heavily. “Let’s hope it worked this time.”

You hum. “Thank you for your service,” you reply with a lazy salute.

You yelp when he pinches your hip, kicking at him in retaliation. The jostling reminds you, with a gasping groan, that he’s still buried balls deep inside you.

“Um.” You cough lightly. “You wanna, you know… pull out?”

He looks down where you’re connected like it hadn’t even dawned on him. “Oh, uh. Well, I thought maybe it could, like. Help.”

His gaze stays locked, fingers flexing on your hips, and you feel like squirming again.

“I think it’s good,” you say quietly.

Bucky finally glances back up at your shy tone, cheeks pinking. He clears his throat.

“Right.”

Carefully, he eases his softening cock out of you, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from making a noise.

You can’t hold back yours, though, gasping once he’s gone. You feel unbearably empty, but refrain from voicing that incessant thought.

Bucky’s intense eyes stare at your pussy until you reach for the throw blanket next to you. He watches you throw it over your lap, drawing your legs up to your chest, and takes that as his cue, jolting into action.

“Okay, so.” He starts, then stops, climbs off your bed and pulls his sweatpants back up. “This was—I mean, if it doesn’t take this time, we can… try again.”

“Yeah,” you mutter. “Sounds good.”

He nods, bending to pick up his discarded t-shirt. “Great. I’ll just, um, see myself out, I guess.”

You nod, sending a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes in his direction. He seems to contemplate something for a second, then leans down to kiss your forehead before saying a quick goodbye and leaving.

As soon as you hear your apartment door shut, you let your tears fall.

***

It’s not really like you mean to avoid him after that.

Honest.

You simply become busy, that’s all. You definitely don’t go out of your way by taking the stairs in your apartment building to avoid possibly bumping into him in the elevator. No, you take the stairs because you could use the cardio. It’s important you stay healthy right now. And when he texts you to ask if you want to have dinner, you can’t help that you’ve got boatloads of work to catch up on—all five times he asks.

Okay, so, that’s a lie. You’re totally avoiding him. But what on earth are you supposed to say to him now? You don’t think you’d even be able to look him in the eye anymore, not after the fuck of your goddamn life.

That night confirmed what you already knew for the last two years: Bucky absolutely ruined you for anyone else.

More than anything, though, you were angry with yourself. He’d only offered because you weren’t getting your desired results the other way. You should have been able to separate your feelings and emotions from all of it. After all, none of this was about whatever you feel towards Bucky. This was about trying to conceive a baby.

You try telling yourself to get over it. He’s your best friend, you can’t just cut him off because you’re a spineless pansy.

I just need some time, you reason. You can give yourself a few days to wallow over what could have been and then you can reach out to him and pretend like everything is fine. Because it is.

***

Flash forward two weeks to you attempting to sneak into your apartment, only to jump out of your skin when you turn around and find Bucky sitting on your couch, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Oh, good, you’re still alive,” he drawls.

His tone suggests annoyance. You suppose you deserve that.

“Hey,” you say after a pause.

He stares at you for a moment longer before speaking again. “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t let it get weird.”

You agreed, you almost say, thankfully biting it back. You drop your purse on the entryway table, sliding your shoes off and making your way over to sit next to him.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble. You tug your sweater sleeves down and tuck your feet beneath you. “I haven’t ever… I’ve never been intimate with a friend before. It was just… a lot.”

It’s a half truth, at least. You haven’t had sex with a friend before. Or, well, not one you had feelings for.

“You could’ve just told me,” he replies, reaching for your hand.

You nod. “I know, and I should have, I just. Things are all out of whack lately with the whole… trying to get pregnant thing.”

“If I overstepped in any way—” Bucky starts, but you’re quick to interrupt.

“You didn’t,” you promise. “You’ve been nothing but fantastic throughout this whole ordeal. Honestly, Bucky, you’ve done way more than anyone else would have in this situation. I just had a lot going on in my head and let it get the best of me. I’m fine, I swear.”

He searches your eyes and must find what he’s looking for.

“Don’t shut me out again,” he pleads.

Heart cracking in your chest, you can only nod, shuffling closer to pull him into a hug. He buries his face in your neck and holds on tight.

***

Another week passes.

Bucky is with you as you wait for the results of the latest pregnancy test. He’s reassured you that you’ll keep trying until it happens if it didn’t work this time.

When the timer on your phone goes off, you release the breath you’ve been holding. You take tentative steps over to the sink and gingerly pick up the test.

Positive.

Your stomach swoops. It’s positive. You check again, reading the digitized screen, but it stays the same. Positive. Holy shit.

“Okay, wait, no, I need to do more. I can’t get my hopes up again,” you mutter, rushing to open the cabinet under your sink to dig out several more varieties of tests.

You don’t even wait for Bucky to leave before you’re peeing on the other sticks. He’s seen it all at this point anyway, and he doesn’t seem to care, sitting on the edge of your tub with an anxious expression. The downside is that you have to wait another few minutes for these tests to finish and you can’t sit still, pacing back and forth in the small space of your bathroom.

The timer goes off again. You feel like you’re going to throw up when you finally work up the courage to look down.

Every single one of them… Positive.

A shocked, happy laugh escapes you. You cover your mouth, turning to Bucky with wide eyes.

He rises to his full height, coming closer and peering down at the tests, then back to your teary eyed expression.

“Did we…?”

Words failing you, you nod, giggling in astonishment. Bucky’s face breaks into the biggest, handsomest, most gut-wrenching smile. His happiness is palpable and you’re suddenly so overcome with emotion. Your hands are gripping his face and angling it to align your lips to his before you register what you’re doing. He freezes and you hurriedly pull away, taking a few steps back.

“I’m so sorry, I-I don’t know why—”

“Shut up,” he cuts you off, closing the gap between you in a single stride.

He kisses you like his life depends on it, pressing your bodies as close as possible, his hands cupping your cheeks. You clutch his shirt desperately, never wanting to let go. He steals the breath straight from your lungs when he swipes at the seam of your lips with his tongue, moaning happily when you allow him access. A feeble whine from you after he flicks his tongue against yours makes him break the kiss.

“I have a confession,” he breathes into the miniscule space between your mouths.

“What?” you question distractedly.

“I’m in love with you.”

Your gaze shoots up to his, astounded. He brushes stray hairs off your forehead, runs his thumbs softly under your eyes.

“I’ve been selfish this whole time,” he reveals. “I couldn’t let you choose some random stranger to be your sperm donor, to father your child, couldn’t bear the thought of you carrying their baby, because I’ve been in love with you since the moment I met you. I wanted to be the one. And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, but I’m not sorry I did it.”

You’re hearing the words, yet your brain can’t seem to make sense of them. Surely you’re hearing him wrong. You can’t possibly have this too, right? You can't have Bucky and have his baby…

But he’s here, very real and solid beneath your hands, looking at you like you’re his entire world.

“Bucky…” You trail off, struggling to find the right words, at a complete loss. “I-I’ve loved you for so long now, I didn’t think you…” You shake your head, a giggle escaping you as you stare at him in wonder. “I couldn’t let myself hope.”

He grins, relieved, planting a few chaste kisses to your mouth. “I know this entire circumstance is totally backwards, but I want you, and I want this baby. I meant it when I said I’m not going anywhere.”

Fresh tears gather in the corners of your eyes. “Are you sure?” you still ask.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

You have to kiss him then, uncaring of the tears that trickle down your face. The only thing you are focused on is the way his hands trail down your back, pausing to squeeze your ass, then grip underneath to lift you. Your legs wrap around his waist, arms locked around his neck, as he heads for your bed. He makes a point of throwing your extra pillows on the floor before settling between your thighs and kissing the hell out of you.

He pulls away only to undress you and himself, but he’s always back as quickly as possible, lips pressing kisses wherever he can reach. You impatiently tug at him until his lips are attached to yours again. The way he fucks his tongue into your mouth is nothing short of indecent and it sends a rush of pure want all the way to your core.

When you bury your fingers in his hair, gripping it tight, he grunts, biting your lip. You whimper and he grins as he pulls away.

“You make the most beautiful sounds,” he praises, his hands beginning to sweep down and up, tickling under your breasts.

His thumb and forefinger pinch one of your nipples and you gasp, back arching off your mattress. He repeats it on the other side, just to hear the same noise.

“Bucky, please,” you beg.

“Please what?” he prods. His hands drift further to the creases of your thighs, spreading them open. “What do you need?”

You whine, canting your hips up. “You, I need you, please.”

“You have me, sweetheart.” He tilts his head and you make a noise of frustration. “Use your words, darlin’.”

“Fuck me, please,” you burst out, feeling your pussy clench around nothing.

Bucky smiles, slow and torturous. “Yeah? Want me to fuck you? Fuck this perfect pussy until you’re so full of my come that it drips down your beautiful thighs?”

“Oh god,” you mumble.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he teases.

His fingers slide down your slit, gathering your slick then thrusts two fingers in at once. You groan brokenly, shifting your hips to try and get more friction, but he holds them down with his metal arm. Agonizingly slow, he begins fucking you with his fingers. It’s good, it’s amazing, but it’s not enough. Not when you know what his cock feels like. He takes his precious time fingering you and you’re sure you’re going to lose your mind before the day is done.

“You have no idea how incredible you felt around my cock,” he tells you in a ridiculously conversational tone. “I was trying to think of any excuse I could come up with to have you at least one more time.”

He shifts until his mouth is directly above where you’re dripping for him, and he waits until you make eye contact with him.

“But now I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making you come apart on my cock any chance I get.”

You hardly have any functioning brain cells at the moment, but even if you could form a coherent sentence you wouldn’t have been able to say it aloud, because then he’s descending and all you can feel is the wet warmth of his mouth.

He definitely doesn’t hold back this time, that much is apparent in the way he devours you, lips and tongue drawing out noises you’ve never heard yourself make, pressing his face so far into your pussy that he has to come up for air. His mouth and chin shine when you chance a look down, and when you clench on his fingers his smile goes smug at the corners.

He plants kisses along your hips, the insides of your thighs, around where his fingers are buried within you. He curls them, in search of the spot he found last time. He knows he found it when you try to close your thighs around his head and cry out. Now that he's found it, he angles to brush it on every thrust of his fingers and attaches his mouth back on your clit.

You chant his name, nearly sobbing as you approach your climax, until finally you fly over the edge. Your vision blurs and you’re not sure if you’re making any noise now, unable to hear past the blood rushing in your ears. Bucky helps you ride it out until you’re shuddering from sensitivity.

He kisses your thighs again, trailing them up your stomach and between the valley of your breasts.

“So good, did so well,” he mutters.

Weakly, you lift your hands to trace them down his toned stomach and around his back, down further so you can cop a feel of your own, smiling at his grunt of surprise.

“That was great and all,” you say, arching your back so your chest presses against his, “but I do believe I asked you to fuck me.”

He arches an eyebrow. “Who said I was done with you?” It’s apparently a rhetorical question, as he continues before you get a chance to reply. “I’m gonna fuck you until you come, and then I’m gonna keep fucking you until you come again, and only then will I come so deep inside you there’ll be zero doubt I’ve put a baby there.”

Your legs are lifted and thrown over his shoulders in a blink, his cock pushing into your pussy, dragging out a high-pitched moan from you. There’s barely a pause and then he’s fucking you, just like you asked. The pace is brutal right from the start, a steady rhythm that has you mewling and writhing in pleasure. Bucky is watching his cock as he thrusts in and out of you, his mouth hanging open slightly as he pants. He hikes your hips up a little higher and you jolt through your startled moan. This angle is divine and the telltale signs of your second orgasm start tingling at the base of your spine.

“Can feel you,” Bucky says through panting breaths, “so close. C’mon, let me feel you.”

He pulls you down on his cock, grinding into you, his thumb reaching to rub tight circles over your clit. You sob through your release, shuddering against Bucky as you clench around him. He groans, still barely moving as you come down from your high.

“Fuck,” he grunts. “Come here.”

He helps you sit up, still seated on his cock, making you both hiss from your movement. Your arms automatically wrap around his shoulders and his around your waist. He kisses you so sweetly, a stark contradiction to the way he just fucked you. When you pull away, resting your foreheads together, he grins.

“Hi.”

You crack a smile. “Hi.”

“Ready for more?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You think you got it in you?” you tease as you play with the hair at the nape of his neck.

The light smack to your ass startles you and you let out a soft sound of surprise, hands tugging his hair harshly. Bucky’s eyes light up.

“Interesting,” he muses.

Another slap, a little harder than the first, and you’re whimpering, your walls clenching around his still hard cock.

“I’ll play with that later,” he promises, voice breathy.

You bury your face in his neck and start shifting your hips. He takes the hint, gathering you as close as he can and thrusts up into you. He can’t pull out as far this way, but the snap of his hips more than makes up for it. You mouth at his collarbone messily, kissing and licking your way up to his jaw, biting marks wherever you see fit. You make it up to his mouth and he kisses you, wet and filthy. You suck on his tongue and a ragged moan claws its way out of his throat. The need for air eventually has you pulling away.

“It’s a good thing you love me back,” you whisper in his ear. “Nobody else could ever compare to you.”

He growls, fisting your hair and yanking your head back to look him in the eye.

“Nobody will ever compare,” he corrects.

You moan. “Yes,” you agree, whining, “No one else could’ve given me a baby.”

Bucky thrusts harder and faster at your words. You’re picking up on a few hints and you can’t say it’s not doing it for you either.

“Filled me up so good, fucked me so well. Gonna be round with your baby soon.”

“Fuck, fuck,” he keens, hurrying to lay you flat on your back so he can fuck into you easier.

The sound of skin meeting skin fills the room, your cries of pleasure mixing in with Bucky’s grunts and curses. His grip on you tightens almost painfully as he chases both your and his orgasm. You’re sure to have bruises tomorrow and you already know you'll be poking at them to remember this moment.

“C’mon, baby, wanna feel you too,” you beg.

His thumb finds your swollen clit once more. It’s beyond sensitive now, feels like a shockwave coursing through you, and without any warning, you come. You spasm around Bucky and he swears under his breath, thrusts going sloppy. With a final groan, he comes inside you, his hips moving seemingly on their own as he draws out both your pleasures. Slowly, he comes to a stop, but he leaves his cock buried in you like he did last time.

You know you’re gonna feel too empty when he does pull out, so you don’t mind sitting like this for a while. Bucky softly runs his hands across every inch of your skin he can touch and you bask in the affection. You card your fingers through his sweaty hair, smiling when he hums happily. It takes only a minute for you to notice the way his hands migrate to your stomach, and when you do you kiss his shoulder.

“Maybe we should go again later,” you suggest faintly.

Bucky grins. “We can do it a hundred more times if you want.”

“Guess I better enjoy it while I can.”

His smile goes soft at the edges.

It’s not lost on you how incredibly crazy all of this is. There will undoubtedly be a conversation, a much needed one that isn’t going to be simple or easy, but it’s necessary.

For now, though, you bask in Bucky’s warmth and loving embrace.

***

Keys jingle as they unlock the door and you perk up where you’re sprawled on the couch. Bucky enters, arms laden with bags from the convenience store.

“They didn’t have the banana ice cream you asked for,” he announces, continuing before your pout fully forms, “but they did have the double chocolate brownie kind you love so much, so I got that, as well as the sour gummy worms, beef jerky, and fried pickles from the deli on your list of demands.”

“What about—”

“And your strawberry Fanta,” he adds with a fond, slightly exasperated smile.

You’re unable to stop your expression from going soft and dreamy.

Ever since you and Bucky figured out where to go with your relationship, he’s been even more attentive and accommodating (and that’s saying something).

You expressed your worry about the possibility of something going wrong, that one or both of you would get bored and leave, or there’d be a big fight that neither of you could forgive. He was quick to reassure you of his commitment, told you there was no way he would ever get bored of you, and that as long as you both promise to talk things out in a calm, mature way, then you’d be alright.

It all sounded so easy when it was put like that. The more you thought about it, though, the more you realized he was right. It wasn’t fair to either of you to already give up before you’d even started. So you’d taken a deep breath and leaped.

Now, you’re five and a half months in, your belly steadily growing and making everyday life increasingly uncomfortable. The changes to your body were physically and emotionally draining, to say the least. Moreso the emotional side. You’d hoped you wouldn’t be one of those pregnant women with strange cravings, and for the most part they were pretty tame, but you do like to dip your sour gummy worms in banana ice cream. Bucky didn’t attempt to hide his disgust over that.

“What did I do to deserve you?” you ask on a pleased sigh.

He places your small cornucopia of goods on the coffee table. You sit up, huffing for breath during the struggle. You go to reach for the ice cream first, but Bucky catches your hand, lacing his fingers with yours and kissing your knuckles as he kneels in front of you.

“You were yourself. Smart, kind, selfless, unbelievably sexy.” You snort at that, but he’s undeterred. “And you’re giving me the best gift I could ever dream of. A family.”

Instantly, you’re crying. He’s grown accustomed to the mood swings by now, taking it in stride as he wipes away the tears with gentle hands.

“Stop being so disgusting,” you blubber through your hiccuping cries. “You’re such an asshole.”

Bucky laughs. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

You sniffle, kissing him. “Love you,” you grumble.

He leans down and plants the softest of kisses to your belly. “And I love you, little lady.”

The idea of you having a child one day always seemed foreign and unlikely, but life has a way of turning out exactly how it’s supposed to… And you wouldn’t change a thing.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Please tell me more about your human welcome home au 👀

!! gladly!!

i don't remember what i said in the first - and like... only lmao - post about it so if i restate some things! fuckign oopsie! (a lot of this is just Barnaby &/or Wally asbdjasj im sorry) also this got! so fucking long!

~ (im gonna talk about their middle/highschool years a lot so keep in mind the time frame is late 90s / early 2000s. they graduate high in either 2006/2007. so. yk. obvious warning for homophobia, transphobia, etc)

fun lil thing no.1)

so Barnaby & Wally briefly meet for the first time in the summer before 7th grade. the town Barnaby grows up & goes to school in isn't tiny, but it's not huge either. - i don't have a very good frame of reference for how many students are typically in a school, bc in both my middle/high there was at least nearly 2k of us. - so we'll just say it's smaller than that - a respectable, normal size, however many students that is. but Barnaby's school rarely, if ever, got any new kids.

so Wally randomly appeared on the edge of the Beagle farm one day, staring directly at Barnaby from across the fields. before Barnaby could go say hi, Wally vanished - but! on the first day of 7th grade, they wound up sharing a class. ofc within the day Wally was known as not only the new kid, but a weird kid at that. for the first week he sat next to a kid who had zeroed in on that and was an ass about it. Barnaby - already having an established rep as class clown & also widely well-liked by his peers - would try to stand up for Wally (from across the room) whenever that kid was being a dick to Walls in front of the class

by the end of that first week, seating arrangements were shifted, and Barnaby was seated next to Wally for the first semester instead. ofc the moment Barnaby sat down, he tried to strike up conversation and cracked a killer joke. and Wally, as we all know, doesn't laugh. he doesn't even blink! it rattles Barnaby to his core - not everyone laughs at his jokes, but there's always some kind of reaction!

class begins before Barnaby can be like "hey that. that was a joke. you're supposed to laugh". the whole hour all he can think about is the strange new kid next to him Who Didn't React To Barnaby's Joke. when the bell rings, Barnaby lingers as Wally (very slowly) packs up to go to his next class and walks him there. on the way he explains the joke, and Wally does the whole "oh. ha ha." thing. this all makes Barnaby very late to his next class (he's usually very punctual and never late - he doesn't want to disappoint his mama!) but for once he does not care.

Barnaby has been struck with this soul-deep need to get a genuine reaction out of Wally. he needs to make that guy actually laugh. it's all he can think about. he seeks Wally out for lunch, tries to find him after school (can't), looks for him in the halls. and to be clear! this is all very platonic! well, ok, these two kinda muddle the line BUT they have no romantic interest in each other. Barnaby just... really wants to be the new kid's friend. he wants to make him laugh. it's a friendship crush! platonic yearning! an inescapable desire to please & be accepted! he wants Wally's approval so so badly!

basically, Barnaby says "you're the weirdest person i've ever met (affectionate, intrigued, entranced)" and Wally replies "thank you (proud)"

fun lil thing no.2)

in my mind, Barnaby was a small kid. he was one of those kids who seemed like they were either gonna stay short, or just barely reach average height. he got his main growth spurt when he was like.... 16. it was very sudden. he lived the classic trope of "teen gets way taller over the summer and startles everyone on the first day of school". im talkin he goes from around 5'7 to 6'3. shoots right up like bamboo! and he's still not full height yet! mf is gonna cap out at 6'6!

on the flip side, Howdy was always just. so tall. he was that kid who towered over his peers from the start! ofc he got teased relentlessly for it (along with the transatlantic accent he started talking w/ at a young age and refuses to stop - among other eccentricities), but yk. he already got constant comments from his huge family about it, so he grew a thick skin pretty early on.

Poppy, on the other hand - the last of the three giants - had it worse than both of them! she wasn't outright taller than Howdy, and didn't have a sudden growth spurt like Barnaby, but steadily grew over the years until she was the tallest teen in town. this hit her hard bc not only did it draw unwanted attention to her & make her a target, but it made her dysphoria way worse (Poppy doesn't realize she's trans until highschool, and then doesnt medically transition until her early 20s)

but! once she started getting super tall, Howdy essentially glued himself to her a la "we tall guys gotta stick together!" a classic 'extrovert adopts introvert' thing. Poppy had no say in the matter.

fun lil thing no.3)

everyone's family sucks - except for Barnaby's, Howdy's, and Eddie's. well, mostly Eddie's. in my head they meant well but just... didn't really see the harm they were doing to him. he never spoke up, and they never saw him deeper than surface level.

but Frank's family? horrible. eugh. he was the school's "out gay kid" - not of his own choice! his peers picked up on it because it was very obvious. then the teachers heard, and let his parents know because of course they did, etc etc. Frank's home life was already shitty, and then getting outed (without any real proof or confirmation) made it a hundred times worse. he was a pretty depressed teen (emo Frank lets go) with mild anger issues & a habit for picking fights. but anyway on his eighteenth birthday he packed up his essentials into a backpack, escaped out the back, and never returned.

and Julie's siblings were alright, but their parents and grandparents were all very ~traditional~. it wasn't as rough as Frank's - it was more of a neglectful, passive-aggressive "you're all disappointments' household. ex: Jonesy was known as the local pothead & dealer, and his parents essentially pretend he's not part of the family despite him living in their basement. Bea had a bad (untrue) reputation, Franny was the goth weirdo who people blamed for their problems, etc. and then Julie was always different from "normal girls", and so her parents chalked her up as a mistake as well. but hey! at least the sibs were in it together! and the parents didn't care if Frank stayed over!

Poppy's family was great up until her parents caught her trying on a skirt Sally had made for her. it was a horrible, terrible downhill slide from there. they forced her to join the basketball team, made her keep her door open at all times, etc. for a while she couldn't even see her friends, though eventually they started sneaking in through her window & passing her notes in class. messaging in a 'secret' chatroom yk how it is. Poppy never directly stood up to her parents (very understandable & valid) but she rebelled in small ways. lying about having an after-school thing so that she could be with her friends, convincing her parents to let her go to a study group when in reality she'd be having a girls' night with Sally & Julie & Julie's sisters @ the Beagle farm.

Sally's family was similar to Julie's in that they were more lukewarm towards her than outright abusive. they thought she was too loud, too flamboyant, too expensive, too obvious, pretty much too everything. they wanted her to be normal - Sally wanted to stand on the roof and wax (loud) poetic about damsels. she wasn't outright bullied for being gay like Frank was, but it was certainly a common rumor that she was a lesbian. as a result, most of the girls at school wanted nothing to do with her, and the guys loved to provide commentary on the subject. her parents tried their best to ignore that truth and acted like she was totally straight. sure. still, Sally always refused to compromise on who she was, and treated it all like a mild annoyance. totally didn't hurt her at all. yep. (sarcasm)

there isn't anything known about Wally's family. not even Barnaby knows about them. the group tossed theories around (amongst themselves) over the years - was he an orphan? foster kid? was his family / home life so horrific that he doesn't want anyone to know? all they know is that he became an emancipated minor as young as legally possible and started living in Home, his (admittedly very spacious & high quality) RV. and they didn't even know about that until their junior year except for Frank

on the other side of the coin!

Ms. Beagle was the friend group's favorite adult growing up. the Beagle Farm was a common refuge & hangout spot for them, and Ms. Beagle let all of Barnaby's strange & delightful little friends know that there's always a guest room open for them, should they ever need it. and as a respected member of the community (and provider for the best chicken eggs in town), anyone who tried to speak up against the kids was Immediately shut the fuck down. Ms. Beagle took no shit. if people were talking ill about that "group of depraved teenage fuckups" and Ms. Beagle turned the corner, all conversation would cease until she was well out of earshot. she likes to say that she has 6 kids, all of whom she loves dearly and is very proud of <3

Howdy's family is too damn big to care. not in a neglectful way, just in a "oh, you're friends with... who was it again? Franz? invite him over to dinner someti- STOP PUNCHING YOUR BROTHER-" there's too much chaos, too many things to keep track of to care if Howdy's friends are gay, or trans, or absolutely fucking bizarre. they'll blend right in! Howdy could bring them over for dinner without telling his family and none of them would blink twice! Howdy mentioned that his friends have bad home lives Once and his parents immediately insisted that he bring them over for next week's thanksgiving so that they don't have to deal with that during what should be a holiday. thus began the All Six Of Us + Ms. Beagle + Franny/Bea/Jonesy Attend The Pillar Family Thanksgiving. its incredibly chaotic every time. there's so many fucking people. they're too busy fighting for survival (bread rolls) to bother with manners or awkwardness. every time they leave feeling like they fought a war. none of the friend group has missed a single year.

fun thing no.idontremember!

Wally & Barnaby have had three fights. each are catastrophic and threatened to tear the friend group apart. because those two are closer than anyone - they are each others person. they would both rather chug rat poison than willingly hurt each other. and while Barnaby - a pretty easygoing guy - can get riled up, Wally... really can't. he's never angry. even things that Should make him angry only make him confused or sad. he's too kind, too earnest, a bit of a pushover. he'll just take it with a smile.

so when Wally stands his ground, they all know shit is going tf down. code red, everyone brace. and if he stands his ground against Barnaby? pack a fucking go-bag and ditch town until the storm blows over.

the first time was when Barnaby found out that Wally lives in a damn RV. Wally got weirdly defensive about it, Barnaby was upset that Wally never even told him but somehow Frank knew (he had a bad night & couldn't go home, Julie was unavailable, and Wally found him and took him to the RV for the night) & that Wally is living alone in an RV at all, etc etc - it was a huge fight. & it just kept getting worse. when Barnaby tried to get Wally to move to the farm - that was the first time he's ever heard Wally snap at anyone, let alone him. and since the friend group is fully established at this point, and they're all hopelessly entangled in each others' lives, it affects all of them. sides have to be chosen - there is no neutral party on this. Wally ended up vanishing for a week without a word, and his RV vanished from where it had been parked thus far. the group was in shambles. when Wally turned back up, he actively avoided them all. it took Barnaby tracking down the rv and not leaving until Wally talked to him to have a conversation and fix things. but hey! the disaster actually helped them get even closer!

the second fight was when Barnaby had to go back to the Beagle Farm for their second year of community (Ms. Beagle had a minor accident and needed his help running the farm). Wally wanted to drop out too & go with him, and it turned into a big deal of Barnaby trying to get him to stay while Wally gets unusually pushy & upset about it. the fight wasn't nearly as bad as the RV one, and was more just sad/distressing, but it was still a fight. they parted on less than stellar terms, which they both felt horrible about. Wally has to go through the last year of community alone - he hasn't been alone in many years at this point, and since they met he's never been without Barnaby.

the third fight comes many years later, and this one is the worst. the friend group has all graduated university(those that attended), they're living in the same town, Barnaby & Wally (technically) share a house, Eddie is part of the group now. once again, its over everyone's favorite RV, Home. Home is very old at this point - Wally has had it for around 15 years, and he didn't get it new, and it's been through a lot. Wally is still half living in it, even though it's starting to fall apart. Barnaby brings up the notion that maybe it's time to send the old thing off to a dump, or find a way to put it in storage. they can't keep up the upkeep. it's time to say goodbye to it. Wally flips his fucking lid - or his version of it, anyway. because, uh. no. absolutely fucking not. it's already a very touchy subject, and emotions rise fast. Wally initially shuts down the conversation immediately. over the next week or so, few weeks maybe, tension between Barnaby & Wally simmers. the entire friend group is holding their breath. Barnaby wants the RV gone, as sad as he is about it. Wally won't allow it. of course they reach a breaking point - Barnaby pulls the "i own the property its parked on" card, Wally threatens to leave. of course that scares Barnaby, but that fear mixes with the anger and he fully yells at Wally for the first time. and then Wally shoves him. or tries to - it does nothing physically, but emotionally? it immediately drains all anger from the situation. Wally has never purposefully raised a hand against anyone ever, for any reason. and yet he tried to shove Barnaby. Wally immediately turns tail and runs - he locks himself in the RV, and Barnaby goes to Howdy's.

at Howdy's, Wally calls Barnaby. at first Barnaby jumps at the chance to apologize and try to work something out, but then he recognizes the background noise - Wally is driving Home somewhere. that RV is absolutely not fucking safe to drive anymore. the conversation immediately derails and goes from 0 to 100 within a second. Howdy is off to the side nervously sipping at his beer as Barnaby argues w/ Wally. the phone call abruptly cuts off, Barnaby says "the little bastard hung up on me" and starts Ranting. he says things he doesn't mean, obviously, and Howdy is trying to get him to chill tf out. he's just too angry/scared/hurt/worried yk?

but don't worry Barnaby! Wally didn't hang up on you! yeah so a while later (a little over an hour i think), Barnaby gets a call! it's from the town hospital! yeah so he's Wally's emergency contact, and apparently Wally "hanging up on him" was actually Wally getting into a horrendous accident. it wasn't his fault! there was a drunk driver! but it's... bad. the drunk driver had died in the crash, and since it was night and no one was around, help was a long time coming for Wally. its a miracle that someone found him & called an ambulance in time! so Barnaby realizes that the whole time he was talking shit & being angry, his best friend was slowly dying in a ditch somewhere, alone and in pain. and that's a whole thing!

time for some fun "facts"!

the first time Eddie went over to Frank's place, he immediately fainted when Frank turned the lights on & Eddie saw that he was surrounded by pet tanks filled with Very Large Bugs. then he fainted again when Frank removed the tarantula from its tank to clean said tank.

Wally & Barnaby's cat is named Welcome! she's usually small & pitch black with a permanently bristled tail! she's actually Barnaby's - he found her in a park as a kitten, and her unnerving stare reminded him of Wally so he took her home. Wally would like a dog! Barnaby would not! the cat is their only pet and will remain their only pet, no compromise. Wally retaliated by gluing googly eyes & dog ears onto a rock he found, then painting it. its name is Barnaby. Barnaby has beef w/ it a la Elmo & Rocco when Wally isn't looking

one time, during a group trip to the annual Pillar Family Thanksgiving, the gang stopped at a cabin-themed diner. Sally gasped at stopped Barnaby at the door "We must leave - you can't eat here". when everyone asked why, she pointed at a decorative sign on the wall: Don't Feed The Bears. it instantly became a smash hit inside joke that sometimes backfires (like that one time they go camping and Barnaby acts like he can't open the bear-proof dumpsters & locks & coolers). Howdy once got a "dont feed the bears" sign to put up in the store's diner section as a joke, but as soon as Barnaby saw it he left and refused to come back until Howdy took it down. he'd stand outside the store window and gaze at Howdy from afar w/ the biggest, saddest puppy eyes. it was incredibly effective

speaking of Howdy's store! they all built it together! Howdy managed to get his hands on an abandoned shell of an old building, and they all refurbished/renovated it! they all had the collective skills to get it done. Wally helped draw up blueprints & directed the color-scheme / painting portion, Sally and Barnaby used their carpentry skills, etc.

when Eddie "reconnects" with everyone, he feels like he's going insane. 'cause he keeps running into people who are familiar enough that it bothers him, but he just can't place where they're from (most if not all of them look very different from the last time he saw them in highschool). it drives him nuts! and then he meets Wally and Wally's like "oh! Eddie! it's you!" and Eddie's all "uh... how did you know myna- OH MY GOD IT'S YOU". he has a small crisis because he's over that time in his life, he's in a much better place, he's grown as a person. then he realizes that it's not just Wally but the entire fucking friend group he agonized over wanting to befriend for years and years. the group that (unintentionally) made him feel completely alone and like he was living a lie. and he keeps. running. into them. so Eddie, who just moved to this town, starts looking at mail carrier opportunities elsewhere bc he is Not doing this again - only for Julie to show up and drag him to a friend group function. because they all got together and went "oh, you caught up w/ Eddie too?? so we're in agreement? great! he's ours now! Julie, go get him". and then they accidentally break Eddie's wrist in a zealous game of soccer-baseball-corntoss & from then on won't leave him alone <3

Wally keeps his hair consistently dyed a rich royal blue - even his eyebrows! he continuously touches it up so his roots are never showing! Barnaby keeps his hair dyed blue in solidarity, but to a lesser extent - his roots show, and he doesn't dye his eyebrows or his sideburns/beard

on that vein, Wally has a very extensive hair-care routine he does every morning. he straightens his natural curls out, manipulates his hair into that absurd swirl, and hairsprays it to death. & gels down everything else. shit's Airtight. then at night he has an equally elaborate routine of washing the hairspray/gel out, treating his hair with high quality shampoos/conditioner/oils, and blowdrying it with impeccable technique to keep it Healthy

continuing on that vein - one time Barnaby was makin' breakfast when he heard a crash from upstairs. he sprinted to go see if Wally was alright, but Wally had locked the bathroom door and refused to open up. after Barnaby convinced him to, the door opened to reveal a very miserable Wally still in his towel. his hair was green. "the bottle said dye-safe', he said. the bottle lied. he wore hats for a while.

ok im gonna stop here! this is an absurd amount! i got carried away!

[gctchell]

#red is the og. the VIP#one of the safest people I've ever met#spectacular writing and I've the privilege of being able to see the incredible progression#from the day we met to present day.#it's a while! and writing like hers is unforgettable. her Lilith and Niffty are delights#and she's taken what I liked about those two and intensified my love for them#only red can pile on reasons for me to love characters especially ones she takes on#an excitable writer and one of the best people u can meet. even if we're in hell.#and her improv???? I know I can count on her to roll with the punches. -- @jizzlords

#ive known red for some time even WAAAY before HH and they’re a wonderful person#great to communicate with and very loving and kind and open minded#wonderful writer to boot on top of all of that -- @therealricksanchezpleasestandup

i just signed on to the sweetest tags from some of the oldest mutuals i've had across my accounts. what the hell, yall. my darlings..

@jizzlords is wearing ozzie's skin. I mean that in the most complimentary way ever, because hel just pulls that man off with such ease it's like they're sharing the same body and he's just conducting the keyboard, taking down his autobiography online. the voice is crystal clear, you can hear iglehart in everything hel writes - down to the laughter.

hel loves this man and it is clear to see. the love for that muse is in there and the justice is being delivered right to the key. absolutely astounding portrayal, and hel even dives into ozzie being a fallen angel, and still having trauma from all that mess. hel gives him flaws, gives him green flags, brings him to life and makes him the icon of desire that he needs to be. I'm not surprised, though - hel's always knocked it clean out of the park when it comes to glamorous and iconic characters, bc hel is iconic. and just all-together so much fun to hang out with.

also, pssst: hel's writing is absolutely flipping beautiful. I've been lucky to be traveling alongside him for a long time now and watch it bounce from the characters he loves so dearly to the next. he's just gotten better, and he was already great.

@therealricksanchezpleasestandup is rick sanchez. I am not kidding lmao. you go onto that blog and it reads like rick. I've been a mutual of steffu's for.. god, a good few years, now? not even including the time on this account? and I have just watched her kick absolute ASS with this man. it's just like asmodeus and hel, it's another case of 'I think that man just lives in your skin and you're writing everything he tells you to', because damn. excellent portrayal, excellent handling, excellent managing of this man and his emotions, and just how messed up he is.

yeah, rick is a mess and steffu knows exactly how to write that while also making it so abundantly clear why and how it is that he has so many amicable relationships all over the multiverse. man knows how to juggle his personality traits and get those connections, find companionship in others that his family doesn't quite get to see that often - outside of morty. I always thought that was a pretty damn cool thing for her to cover.

because he's a universe jumper, it makes all the sense in the world that he has connects to others down here in hell. easy character to plug in with if you like rick and morty and want a rick to interact with. steffu has the man on lock, I am telling you.

[bbygirl-aemond]

Reading the first Baela pov, and wow, she gives off such a transmasc vibe! I'm not telling you to make her trans, just saying that I relate a lot, especially to how I was before I found out I'm a guy. Like, her hesitating when Rhaenys said "You are a woman so these are women's clothes", quickly saying she's her father's daughter too when called her mother's daughter (reminds me of 'if i can't be a {correct gender}, at least I can say I'm like {correct gender parent}', redirecting the conversation to her sister when told she looks like her mother, choosing to be her true self instead of what everyone expects her to be even though it's technically 'better' (queen vs lady)... Just, reading that was like my teenage self looking into the mirror. Thank you for writing such good characters!

(i've been meaning to answer this for a HOT minute so sorry bout that, but the dialogue between laena and daemon in chapter 27 reminded me of it so better late than never?)

stuff like this always makes me so happy to hear! you also have excellent taste, bc my bf (trans masc) is also quite fond of stormbreak!baela.

it's been a pretty deliberate choice to write baela as disconnected from or rejecting traditional westerosi notions of femininity and womanhood. stormbreak will mostly leave any further interpretation up to the reader as to her personal sense of gender identity. of course you can identify as a woman while experiencing all of these things, or you can identify as a man, or something entirely different.

the remaining part of this ask probably counts as stormbreak spoilers, but it won't be for anything that's a major plot point within the timespan contained in the original fic- just stuff i might write in drabbles eventually. but it's stuff related to gender and baela in particular. :)

in my mind, baela never really settles down with a man. oh, she might marry one, but i don't know that she'll end up super duper in love the way most of the other women in this fic do. she'll have a ton of very fulfilling relationships, some of them involving sex, and she'll travel the world and live her life completely unhindered by her status within society as a woman. seafarer and traveler baela ftw, y'all!

she will also never have children. i wasn't super happy with her character ending up basically pregnant and left behind at home while her husband traveled the world and also cheated on her. i don't see baela, even book baela, as someone who'd have those goals. i can see how losing almost her entire family might make her lonely, and how realizing she's one of only like 4 surviving targaryens might create pressure to reproduce regardless of her own desires. but in stormbreak, where her family survives and there are gonna be so many little targ babies running around you can't tell whose is whose? yeah she is never ever going through pregnancy are you kidding me lmao.

i've also received a few requests for some spicy drabbles involving baela (once she is MUCH older i do not write porn for any characters who are under 21 aka younger than me okay). these will probably also involve a certain degree ambiguity as to baela's internal sense of gender identity. baela will never desire or ask for penetration, and will instead prefer to penetrate others or participate in other types of sexual acts. anatomical terms will be used for body parts, but when baela is wearing a strap on it'll be referred to using the same terms i refer to male characters' sex organs with (i.e. a character wouldn't be described as sucking baela's strap, they'd be described as sucking baela's cock).

anyways the ambiguity is there for a reason and readers are free to interpret it in whichever ways make them happiest. my viewpoint on these things is kind of like mark hamill's with the character of luke skywalker: whatever you want baela to be, wherever you feel the text is leading you, that's how baela identifies. :)

[estellardreams]

If The Trauma Siblings had Villain Arcs + Songs

All videos by Lydia The Bard.

Niko:

Reason Why: It's undeniable, really. To find out too much proof that the only way you can figure out is to confront it, no matter how badly it hurts. And... Isn't Niko echoing Rapunzel like this? To see the light and the truth in front of him. How could he not? It's clearly blinding him.

Camellia:

Reason Why: I used an animatic for it, but the idea of Camellia learning the truth and fighting to take back her own life, only to become someone more worse than Starline could handle is enticing.

Kyle:

Reason Why: A desire to seek more... To be something and someone other than himself. He was a growing kid, so who could ever blame the youngest of the family? Kyle definitely struck me as the type to hide his own resentment towards himself and others, so once it spills over and he suddenly vanishes is... Alarming. Next thing Starline knew, a little fox is looming over him and threatening to find more in this miserable life... An exhilarating urge to find more through drastic measures.

Damien:

Reason Why: An odd one but... Soft, somber, grappling with the reality at hand. And when the vocals become more powerful, it's the insanity overtaking his mind leading to him getting rid of the problem at hand. Drastic times always come to drastic measures, after all.

✨Bonus✨

Nox (bc there's an animatic of him with this song so...):

Fun Fact: I was planning on having Magnifico's part with Niko looking back on his trauma with Starline before it transitions back during the Animatic. Unfortunately my motivation vanished before I could ever get to it.

I was originally going to pick this song for Kyle, but I decided otherwise. Besides, it fits Nine a lot more.

(These are just for fun no need to take them seriously. And if they don't properly line up with the characters, sorry about that! I've just been thinking about these for a while now and wanted to share some ideas.)

[shipperssafehaven]

my season five dream team ups bc i'm bored and have too much time on my hands

1. will/mike/robin/nancy

this group is literally what dreams are made of. first, you get a continuation with the ultimate slow burn that is byler. second, you get ronance which is always a plus & possibly a jealous nancy when vickie is added into the mix. third, you get nancy/mike sibling bonding for the first time in what feels like forever. and fourth, you get a will/robin "you're like me" moment. the power this group holds would be magical.

Give me a frightened & an adorably idiotic Will who is seeing visions and clocks but doesn't want to worry anyone so he keeps it to himself because everybody else already has so much going on. Let him space out at the Wheeler house only to be caught by Nancy.

Then it proceeds with Will begging her not to tell anybody but Nancy snitches to Mike because she knows the drill and is not letting another kid die on her watch. And since she's avoiding both Jonathan and Steve because she wants to know who she is outside of them, she ropes Robin in to help instead, leading to a limitless amount of gayness <3 (bc as much as i am excited to learn about vickie, i don't really have the desire to see robin with her clone).

Give me a terrified Mike who's scared to lose Will and is angry because Will actually wanted to keep him in the dark about this. Give me the most queer fight in tv history:

"i can't believe you weren't going to tell me this. this isn't a game-- you could die, will! just because you got out once, doesn't mean you'll make it out alive this time around!"

"you aren't even trying to see my side of things! if I have a connection to vecna then that gives me the perfect opening to end this once and for all!"

"there is no ending this, will! he's going to kill you!"

"that's a risk i'm willing to take."

"well, i'm not!"

2. el/lucas/dustin/erica

i really want to see el outside of mike and pairing her up with lucas/dustin/erica would do just that. dustin teaching her things and erica teaching her how to properly put her bullies in their place >>>

plus we'd get the best sibling duo that is erica and lucas. if i don't get a protective lucas who's going through it and afraid of losing his little sister (since he technically already lost someone he loved) then i'll riot

and don't forget the lucas/el bonding we'd get that would also feed into my elumax delusions. them teaming up to get max back and slowly bringing each other back to themselves & just being so vulnerable and happy in one another's company is a need

oh and as a treat, if dustin and erica stumble across kas in the upside down and it looks too much like a certain metal head so they have no choice but to get to the bottom of things on whether eddie's death truly meant the end... then i'd be down for that

3. jonathan/steve

i've been waiting for this one since season one. i want them to be forced to work together and go from reluctant allies to i'd lay my life down for you without hesitation

let them have development outside of nancy! let jonathan accidentally meet steve's neglectful parents and have him understand steve. let steve have the absolute displeasure of meeting lonnie and calling him out when he talks down to jonathan & say "you didn't want him as a son? no, you didn't deserve him as a son!" let jonathan be on the verge of tears bc nobody has ever stood up for him like that before.

these two could learn so much from each other. let steve teach jonathan how to work his damn way around a tie. and let jonathan teach steve what it's like to have a family and that it is in fact not normal to be so brushed to the side and disregarded by your own parents.

let them be BEST FRIENDS. the potential has literally been there from the start!

and for the love of god give me this moment:

"i never thanked you for the camera you got me for christmas back in '83."

"i told nancy not to tell you it was from me."

"she didn't."

oh and if argyle is not tagging along and bringing up the mood and smoking pot with the both of them, then i don't want it. they'd be a trio for the ages.

4. joyce/hopper/enzo/murray/wayne

probably my most basic answer but i am in desperate need for established jopper fluff with their besties tagging along for the ride. and i have been a bring wayne munson into the gang truther since volume one so i am DYING to see this.

hopper and wayne bonding over losing a kid.

enzo, murray, and joyce being a comedic trio.

them all being badass and saving their kids. murray giving byler a much needed moment of clarity. jopper having moments with el, will, & jonathan. enzo introducing to the gang his son (who possibly becomes a member of the party.) wayne completely crumbling when he sees kas for the first time.

the potential of it all... 🥂

[loves1ckgirl]

—4*Town Headcanons

----------------------------

Headcanons about 4*town's relationships and just general headcanons about them and their life

Just so y'all know that i'm not all that great at this stuff lol.

Aaron T & Aaron Z are referred aqs T & Z and Taeyoung is referred as Tae for some parts

This is a long post

I will post Aaron T, and Taeyoung in part 2 because i've been making this post for way too long and if i don't post this now i will never do T and Tae loll

----------------------------

4*town General

The group first debuted in 1998 butt they only really started getting super popular 1999-2000

Any time they're all in a room it's just chaos

buttt Z usually ends up calming them down solely bc he give off a “I’m not mad just disappointed “ look

even though Robiare is the leader and Jessie is the oldest (and has kids)

they're all super close but even though they all are the most often pairs you see on camera and in general (sometimes lol)

T & Z

Robaire & Jessie

Taeyoung & Jessie

Taeyoung & T

the fans see them as great pairs so they stick together often

also, Robiare is often seen interacting with the other members

But he's often alone to take care of some work regarding the group and music

(that doesn't mean he isn't a great leader it's just that he stays back to do certain things so the members can deal with fans and have some attention)

the popularity goes in tiers going from most to least

Robaire (he's the cool attractive romantic leader)

Taeyoung ( the adorable youngest who can fill all of your needs for cuteness)

Jessie ( the artistic hot dude with kids)

T (he's funny & active but still leagues less popular than Jessie)

Z ( People think he's too quiet and a bit rude bc he has an RBF but he's pretty sweet when you meet him& actually talk)

Somehow despite T & Z being the least popular in terms of fans that go to specifically meet them they always get popular for short bursts before it tones down drastically

Robraire Tae & Jessie have a steady diehard fanbase for the most part

When they eventually disband they all stay close to each other and interact and babysit each other's kids often. (If they have any)

Most fans of T & Z are older then fans of Robaire, Jesse, and tae

Mostly because the Aaron’s dont have those basic personality traits that people can fall in love with

And that’s not top say the rest don’t have complex personalities its just not represented by the company

Those simple main personality traits are what made them so popular compared to T&Z

Tae was the first to join the group

Then robaire

Jesse was scouted bc he was in the area at the time

Then it was T & Z

And last it was robaire

Robaire

Canadian (is that canonical?? Idk feels cannon)

Has so much family in France tho so he ended up learning French bc of that (he also visited parts of Canada that had more people speaking french lol)

22 years old (during the movie)

Right handed

Sweetest dude anyone will ever meet

Very fast learner

Show him how to make a paper crane once n he can do it too

has multiple pairs of socks to wear and one to display

always gives at least one pair of socks for holidays/birthdays

saw someone say that he collected socks and now I'm inlove with the idea

Pretty extroverted but in the less loud type way

Surprisingly flirty

He will flirt with anyone who gives him a chance

Loves his family

Would love to have his own

Honestly, he just loves kids

He'd openly talk about wanting to adopt kids one day

But not because he wants to fulfill some need to have kids because he can or to fill some desire he has

Its because he wants to ensure those kids grow up in a good place

He'd be likely to adopt an older kid (since a lot of people who adopt only want the young children)

& he will 100% support the fostered/adopted kid to meet/ stay with their biological parents

He won't adopt or foster until the group inevitably dispands and he's probably in the middle to end of his solo career

Unless he stays home often/ has a partner to take care of the kids when he's gone

Lets Tae paint his nails

loves books & movies

His favorite genres are romance and historical fiction & nonfiction

He knows that he is the most popular member so he often stays behind so the rest can get more attention

People still notice that he does that and eventually, it just makes no difference because how whenever he leaves all the fans to only talk about is how humble and kind he is

Since Z often calms down the group when Z isn’t there he does it

He has super soft skin

But sometimes has messed up fingernails bc he bites them

He gets super stressed

Natural leader

Even though he joined last he didn’t over step but it was obvious he was meant for that kind of role

He LOVES wine for some reason

He says it makes him feel fancy

Jesse

Teen dad of twins

6 yrs old at the time the movie takes place

Met the mother of his kids back in their last year of high school

They went to prom together but currently are not together

But she always shows their kids little clips and videos of him performing

Right-handed

Very quiet

Freaks people out with it

Mostly because he’s also v cocky

The man knows he’s pretty and WILL use it against anyone with no hesitation

Surprisingly goofy

Like since he has a lot of responsibilities,, but he’ll goof off every chance he gets

24 years old (during the movie)

I would put a nationality but I literally cannot attach one to him?? Idk why

Token old guy of the group (even if he’s only a 2 years older than Z)

Was originally the leader until robaire fit into the role perfectly

He will bring up his kids any chance he gets

You said you like pb&j sandwiches??

This dude will talk about how one kid hates it while the other couldn’t live without it

Allergic to grass

Deceptively strong like it looks like he has little muscle but he has plenty

A bit of a crybaby ??

Mention something slightly sad and he is holding back tears

When his kids were newborns whenever they cried he teared up and has to quickly try to get them to stop

You would think Tae would be crying during the movie but the moment he sees an actor crying/mourning over something the tears r spilling out

and if he doesn't that shows the actor cant portray a sad person at all

like draw some tears on a bag of chips and he's crying

calls his kids every day when the band is on tour

right after the pandapacolypse he called his kids and asked if THEY were okay for some reason??

as if he wasn't hanging in the air far away from the ground

The press didn't know about his kids for a while

until he slipped up and when someone asked what he does to relax

he said, " I like sitting down and drawing, especially if I get to draw with my kids."

the moment he said kids his eyes shot open

people said he looked like a fish outta water

it's a running joke that it was the only time he wasn't pretty

he was demonized for a while and did get a lot of hate for having a kid so young

but eventually, the pressure evened out

Most parents don't like him because of his kids

he talks about teen pregnancy a lot and tells kids not to be scared if they do Something like that

n makes sure that kids are aware and do it safely

(bc we all know their gonna do it anyway lol)

butt we all know how some parents are

so he got some more hate for doing what he did

but yk as all scandals it evened out once again

He was originally just going to open up a shop that sells & teaches pottery classes

but one of his high school friends just asked him to come to an audition with him (yes it was for 4town)

n the people were just like "this kid is beautiful"

they asked if he could sing and dance

he did it as a hobby for a while and he ended up getting in

sadly his friend did not

When he drinks he Only drinks beer

Aaron Z

Second oldest at 22

Blasian, specifically Vietnamese

He was born only 3 months before Robaire

Ambidextrous

Terrified of bugs

If he sees one he’s running, he doesn’t care how small it is

The only reason the members found out was because Tae saw a cockroach and called that shit cute And tried to show Z

It’s a very accurate depiction

Has a major RBF

Fatherly sneezes

Like the type of loud sneeze that you can only make if your a dad

super sweet

Pretends he isn't though

Very introverted

Joined because he was bored

He and a group of friends are bored one summer and said, “let’s join a boy band”

He thought it was a dumb thing idea but agreed anyway

Z told the company to market him as a stone-cold bad boy who secretly has a heart of gold, but he gave up on that quickly

He didn’t have the energy to keep up with that persona for long

He then was like "oh is that why they chose personas that we basically their personality"

But yk amplified

Very, VERY confident

Was only kinda friends with T during High school Bc Z was friends with T’s cousin who T was around a lot

They became closer during practice and as they got older

HATES alcohol

He says it makes him feel really sick

Like the moment it gets in his vicinity, he’s grossed out

It’s also partly because he can’t handle alcohol

Pretends he isn’t tho

Slightly embarrassed about the fact he can’t handle alcohol

(This is kinda short tbh)your

[number1mongrel]

...Heck it I'm gonna talk about my headcanoned version of Kid Gil enjoy

So you know how people, when they have some extremist beliefs which they realize are wrong, don't always immediately start acting healthier, and they instead flip around to the other extreme? We'll come back to this.

Anyways, so there's also Gil having Clairvoyance but not really using it. And who else has Clairvoyance? Solomon, whose basically went his entire life acting out God's will and never ever using it for himself. And Gil was meant to be the Wedge of Heaven, keeping humanity obeying the rule of the Mesopotamian Gods.

So basically, what I was thinking was, what if a very young Gil was kinda like Solomon. If both Kings had Clairvoyance, that maybe the Clairvoyance was in part a way for the Mesopotamian Gods to communicate their will to their Wedge, and steer humanity more easily towards their desired outcomes and futures. And while he was still regularly relying on his clairvoyance and listening to the gods, that was when Gil was all polite and sweet and a good boy. I imagine he was still distant from humanity-- it was less that he cared a lot for people, and more that. He neither hates nor loves them, so may as well be polite so we can all get along. Why not be kind and obedient?

Then, for whatever reason, he realized he had some sort of wake-up call. And decided that whatever the gods had had planned for him and humanity, he no longer wanted anything to do with it. And so began ignoring his clairvoyance (most of the time anyways, there's still the dreams) and began actively rebelling against the gods and working to separate humans from them. Not only that, he came to the realization he shouldn't just be acting subservient to a bunch of gods as their intermediary, he was the king! His subjects and treasures and city were HIS to protect and enjoy, not the gods'! They weren't king, he was!

...And then he proceeded to swing to the other extreme in 'being himself' and 'enjoying his treasures and subjects'. And it took until Enkidu and the herb to learn about 'moderation' and become the wise king.

So yeah. Kid Gil disliking both adult Gils because Hey What Are You Doing Why Did You Turn Off Your Clairvoyance. Stop That. You're Gonna Do Something Wrong. Meanwhile Archer Gil and CasGil almost completely failing to recognize Kid Gil as a version of themselves when running into him because Don't Be Stupid, Mongrel, I'd Never Act Like That.

This is also fun to me because I think parallels are Great and Amazing. Solomon always remains the dutiful and obedient king, until he's capable of having freedom given to him, but when he learns about the Incineration of Humanity, willingly decides to diligently work to prevent it and preserve humanity anyways, learning about how to be a human through those experiences and also his friendship with people like Guda(k)o and Mash, while Gilgamesh just grabs at his chance to be free but needs to slowly learn that he's no better than anyone else by losing first Enkidu, then the Plant of Immortality. (But afterwards is completely 'content' to just eternally isolate himself as humanity's guardian. Too prideful and too much to get along with most of them, but still generally benevolent towards them... kinda sorta)

...And then we have Merlin who also watches over humanity and wants a happy ending for them but goes to an even greater extreme in isolating himself from all of them.

Anyways I like all three of them and I want more content of them being forced to be coworkers. (Or boyfriends. I will also accept all three being boyfriends.) Anyways I went horribly terribly off-track but Gil wildly flailing about different extremes trying to find a balance before Figuring It Out is nice for me and parallels are Always Great and I hope you enjoyed.

OH YEAH YEAH I LOVE THIS!!!! i feel the exact same way, in fact i've been meaning to make a post for awhile now talking about the parallels between gil and solomon bc there's a LOT. and yes! that makes so much sense with kid gil simply being on his best behavior because that's what he believes his whole purpose in life, what he was literally created for, is. and yeah, despite kid gil being nicer, we ALSO never actually see him doing any grand gestures to protect humanity like his adult selves do. he generally seems a lot less passionate about things in general, the only exceptions being when he acts more like his adult self. it's only when he realized how empty and lonely his existence was and that he was being used as a tool that he began to lash out both against the gods and humans

[themidnightcleric]

depersonalization/identity

idk man I could have been a theatre kid or a band kid or done photography club, or gotten into languages or been in dance corp or tried out for basketball or even hung out with the punks and gotten into hard drugs or I could have stayed Catholic and righteous and found a husband and pumped out a million babies before kms or found the gays and gotten into drag and had found family or became a nature nerd and gone to birding summer camp and joined fish n game or even gotten some loser boyfriend but I just .....sort of kept to myself in my room in the suburbs with intermissions of hiking or going out with friends who never felt like real friends

and it feels like my life has been this endless blank placeholder space of non belonging like I didn't even get heavy into video games or fanfic or drawing anime?????

I didn't do anything??????? besides read articles online and journal.

like I don't know how to reconcile the amount of alienation I feel from the entirety of humanity bc my entire life up til now has been eaten by severe demotivated depression and indecision/confusion I want to leave behind

like who just....doesnt do anything and hides like that? was it because I was homeschooled? am I coward? was it the autism? the emotional disturbance? dysphoria? am I narcissist?

I feel so incredibly broken and worried there's no way out now. I have to find something to do, some group to join. I mean I collected calendars for a bit and did ballet and basketball and hyperfocused on being a good Catholic but at the crucial point of every commitment I just stopped wanting to do it. I lose track of friends. No one feels quite real, or if they do I am terrified of letting them close enough to see that I'm just faking my humanity.

that's why the PDA label means something to me, the demand avoidance gives a name to the gaping question mark of WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

I feel inhuman and underdeveloped and scared of being alone forever. I don't know how to get past this insecurity and avoidance. Covid and automommune flares make it worse w brain fog. Like I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT EVER. no I don't know the fucking Pokemon. No I don't remember high school. no I don't have a career. No I have never had a normal fun relationship, it's all been toxic or a fling.

I don't even really talk to my family. What do you say? Hi mom I don't even have a drug addiction I'm just floating again?

like I have lived in a nowhere dead zone of human existence for two decades. I don't exist. I wrote poetry comparing myself to Pluto, or calling myself an eraser. it was cringe and it remains cringe. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to become a person and make decisions. The only thing that's been consistent for my lifetime is heavy depression, and a dogged optimistic magical thinking that someday my life would just change, and begin, and I'd be someone with something to offer the world.

That's why I'm codependent. Trying to help or fix others is my addiction and the thing that brought me back to existence. Oh and scrolling online.

Giving that up, and trying to start my own life, I'm lost. I feel like my soul has been underwater somewhere on another planet.

Maybe I've conflated belonging with existing..that feels like a human thing to do. maybe the most human thing about me is the desire to belong even if it never worked out.

anyways I'm grieving all this and the abuse I put up with while dissociated, and it's like the ocean, I don't think it ends. This is the worst feeling and I don't know if it will ever leave me for good. It only ever lets up when someone holds me or massages my skin, bringing my body back into the sensory world, or in those brief moments of joyful imagination when I visualize someone loving me, or when a snake or frog crosses my path in the woods.

I should probably be institutionalized but I'm scared of that too.

what do I do to become real?

The last thing that I have hope for to help is top surgery.

all I want in this world is to be held, and cry until I can't cry anymore, and hear it will be okay, and maybe that its okay to let go now. to die or just give up trying to make anything of the past and it's pointless confusing misery.

[fleshdyke]

hchkvgjvfj

[rahleeyah]

Hi Leah 💜 this is something I've been pondering for a while and I would def be interested to get your take. It seems like, both within canon and within the fandom, it is pretty much accepted that Elliot needed to make the choices he made *for his family* and that remaining in (and returning to) his marriage to kathy, even if he loved Olivia, was what cemented his status as a family man. It's odd to me because svu, while it def has its flaws, has been relatively progressive on social issues, yet it really pushes this "stay together for the kids" dynamic despite the fact that that's really going out of vogue in the progressive mainstream. I understand Elliot would absorb this from his catholic upbringing, but Olivia going along with it (especially in a lot of fanon) is so odd to me, especially given that the ultimate expression of elliots devotion to his family was...leaving the majority of hus children behind to raise the fifth abroad. Thoughts?

y'all really making me use the old thinker today huh lmao

ok so here's the thing, right, is that i think there's a big difference between the morals the show tries to preach, and the individual choices each of the characters make. characters should be messy, and at times at odds with the values of the show overall, bc they're supposed to be people.

the show is progressive on moral issues. so why elliot's insistence on staying together for the kids?

well, first up, i don't think he was trying to stay in that marriage for the kids. it's kathy who left him. they didn't come to an understanding, he isn't written as having been unhappy with her; she was unhappy with him, and she left. i think he internalized it as his fault. and he clearly did not want to be divorced, initially; if we look at the way he reacts in the immediate aftermath of the separation in doubt, if we look at his behavior in burned, where elliot finally signs the papers, the way he relates to the man cut out of his family, the way he talks of love, i think it paints a picture of man who doesn't just think he ought to have stayed in a marriage he didn't want for his kids. i think it paints a picture of a man who wanted that marriage, who is grieving for the loss of that marriage.

he and kathy got married at seventeen, said their vows - which matter deeply to elliot, as a catholic - and stayed together for a long long time. she was a central facet of his life. kathy was important to him. they start talking about him moving back home before he sleeps with her in annihilated; he signed the divorce papers for her but he's having drinks with her, basically dating his own wife, and talking about coming home, and it never felt, to me, like he was only doing it for the kids. it never felt like he was suffering through these attempts to correct things bc being with the kids was what mattered; he wanted Kathy. he goes to check on the kids in annihilated and kathy invites him to stay and he jumps at the chance; the kids are asleep. he wanted to fuck his wife.

now in screwed it looks like he's about to tell kathy that he doesn't think they should get back together, but then she drops her bombshell and he goes home. that, to me, is the ultimate expression of his devotion to his family; it appeared he had finally decided to let go, but bc kathy could not raise the kids they already had and a baby on her own, he goes home to help her. she asks him to come home for her. and he does. he sees what she needs from him, he thinks of what the new baby will need from him, and he sacrifices his own desires for that.

now, as to why olivia fights so hard to sustain that family unit, when olivia is a pretty fundamentally progressive woman, i think we have to remember that liv has a pretty fucked up relationship with the concept of family.

she told elliot all her life, all she ever wanted was to be part of a family. she cares for him, deeply, but from the moment they met he was a devoted husband and father. a good husband and father. olivia didn't grow up with a dad, didn't grow up with a family, and she wanted it, and here's elliot, proving that those things she wants are real. that the dream she's carried for so long can come true, just not for her. family is for other people. in the last episode we heard lindstrom remind her that olivia herself believes happiness isn't in the cards for her, and so i think it's no real stretch to believe that she fought so hard for elliot's family because she never thought she'd have one of her own. someone out there deserved to have a family. those kids, they deserved to have a father. elliot, he deserved to be loved, to be happy, and she associates family with happiness and love. therefore, she's not gonna do anything to fuck up his family; she's gonna try like hell to preserve it, at her own expense. because she loves him, she wants his family to be whole.

would he have been the man she loves, if he was not selfless when it came to his family? would she have loved him, if he turned aside from them for her sake, if he didn't put them first? i don't think so.

and i don't think his family is the only, or even the main, reason why he chose to leave.

elliot had just killed a child. he's got a daughter around her age. there is no universe in which that does not haunt him, and that is not like the other times he was forced to kill someone in the line of duty; he felt responsible to Jenna, he felt he should have protected her, and he felt like he let her down, and he killed her. that alone is sufficient cause, in my mind, for him not to come back; that he no longer trusts himself to do this work, that he cannot continue to hurt and be hurt by this job. add in the hoops IAB was gonna make him go through, and it becomes untenable. His pension was on the line; with five kids - now the oldest two are probably done with college at that point, or close to it, but the twins would have been getting in the early days of college and Eli would have been a toddler - to look after, and a wife who depends on him, when Elliot has probably spent his whole adult life thinking he and Kathy were gonna rely on his pension for their retirement, losing that would have been devastating. that's a major threat to his family's future, but to his own future, too. so i don't think that was all about the family. and i believe what he told olivia in rotps; that he did not speak to her bc he knew she would change his mind. i don't see that as him sacrificing a possible future with her for the sake of his family, though; i see that as him having decided he can no longer continue down this path, and being afraid of what would happen to him if he went back, and knowing he'd go back for her. not even if she asked him to; just if he heard her voice. she means so much to him, he thinks he'd destroy himself just to be near her.

[whileyoursleeping]

I don’t know if you’d feel comfortable talking about this in an ask (feel free to ignore this if you’re not!) but I was curious, what made you start to feel uninterested in 911? Some of the writing (and admittedly what I’m speculating for 6B) has me frustrated to the point where I’m losing interest and losing a desire to engage in the fandom, which makes me super sad bc I used to get such joy out of watching and engaging! I’m not even disappointed with the “pace” of Buddie getting together (or not even getting together) that’s frustrating to me, which feels like is most other people’s frustration, so I was just curious if there was something about the writing that made you feel disinterested?

heyooo! nonny asking the serious questions over here!

more than happy to answer actually :) i hope you don't mind a very long one lol

i made the mistake of joining twitter initially. honestly, a good 60 percent of the reason i started disliking the show and writing fic was because of the fans. and i know the loud obnoxious ones only make up a small portion of the fanbase but fuck ME are they loud. a few people tried to doxx me, i got mocked for the kitty buck fic and outright called an abuse apologist in my comments section (i've BEEN IN an abusive relationship, so... no) by a person who went on to plagiarise an entire fic from someone else, lie about having permission, and then disappear (yes i'm still mad about it no i will not let it go)

the other half is the writing (don't @ me for my math pls). i haven't watched a lot of season 5 or any of season 6 so far. i was done when athena slapped her kid. i'm one of those people that's in the "i don't think buddie will become canon because the writers are cowards but it's nice to write about" camp. some of it was done very well (eddie's PTSD) and some awfully (buck and whoever that lucy chick is? idk).

i was also diagnosed with CPTSD as a direct result of my own career in emergency services, and there were a lot of parts in the show that were very triggering for me and made it hard to watch. combine that with shitty, entitled fans and writing issues, it just hasn't been worth me trying to rewatch. i'm not sure i'll ever return to it the way i had been invested to begin with. i do want to finish tethers, because i know as a fic reader how frustrating it is to see things left unfinished, but uninspired doesn't even begin to cover how i feel about it right now.

sorry for the wall of text, and thank you very much for reaching out to ask! <3

[scum-belina]

Been very curious why or how you changed your mind about wanting kids. You used to be so staunchly child-free lol

Believe me, no one was more surprised at my total change of heart than I was. It happened in late October of 2021. I was feeling totally lost in life I didn't know what I wanted and had no motivation to live, and one day had a day and night long urgent prayer session where I just poured my heart out. At one point I prayed something along the lines of "God, I want to want whatever all YOU want me to want that is in your best plan and will for my life, and nothing else. Make your desires for my heart, the desires of MY heart."

the next morning I woke up feeling so at peace and had so much clarity about my life. I had been making a lot of progress in healing from a lot of trauma the last 3 months before, but on that morning I began to UNDERSTAND my healing, why things happened, why they were wrong, and why I needed to heal instead of being constantly bitter and scared, otherwise I'd be a slave to my trauma and the people who hurt me the rest of my life.

I realized why I was so vehemently against having children and just motherhood in general was due to all my bad experiences as a child and onwards. Namely how even when i was a child my mother, paternal grandmother, and a few other relatives relied on me and treated me like I was their mother and therapist. It made me repulsed of the idea of having children bc I didn't want anyone else relying on me, bc I thought it'd just be what i went thru with my mom and other relatives all over again. I was just obsessed with living on my own doing whatever I wanted on my own, having my own career, because then no one could hurt me. It'd just be me doing me.

But all that was based in fear due to my trauma. I realize now that I've healed that is not the life I want. Now I know without a doubt all I want is to be a wife and mother who takes care of her home and family. I have so much love to give and will give it freely forever to my family. I want to nurture, support, create, and entertain. The bigger our family, the better.

Also another thing I realized was I had seen SO many awful examples of parenting and relationships, that I assumed that's what it was like for everyone, and now I realize that does NOT have to be the case, so long as you actually are careful and wise in these matters. Unfortunately most people are not and they and saddest of all their children suffer for it.

I used to be obsessed with being something unique and world-changing, and now I realize what that is for me is being an incredible wife and mother, because goodness know the world needs them more than ever before (and incredible husbands and fathers too it goes both ways I shouldn't have to even say this but u know how ppl are!!!)

Again, no one was more surprised than me at my drastic change, but the crazy thing is that it never once made me upset. I was totally happy and at peace with it. My only struggle now is believing it will ever happen for me, and a struggle it is because I can't see anything good ever happening to me. But I do my best! In the meantime I'm just trying to live each day prayerfully and focusing on how I can keep making progress in myself and life in general.

[freezethebeez]

Same anon who wrote all the lore stuff here:

I’m really glad you like my stufff, but unfortunately my content well has run dry (for now)

the only thing I’m gonna add is

-there’s a fuckton of gay oil paintings from the renaissance of fancily/scantily clad people biting each other on lush beds and couches

-some vampires judge whether or not a person is worth leaving alive by how much they “contribute” to society. HC that the vampire in the blood bank was fixin’ to bite Tubbo because he smelled homeless.

-the vampire population is relatively low compared to the human population, but vampire numbers kinda skew up or down every 5 hundred or so years because vampires tend to have absolutely no or like 4 (“they can keep each other company while we’re out”) children depending on how many vampires are already in the community bc while a lot of vampires may like physical touch and nonsexual intimacy, like 95% percent of them are some form of ace. It simply does not seem like a fun or desirable activity. However, there are few enough of them that when 500 or so vampires decide they want a lot of kids or 500 or so die off because they hit 1000 years, it makes a big impact

yes, gay paintings are an absolute must. adding onto this idea: when ranboo was younger- like, 50/60 or something (10/12-ish in human years)- the only way to get him out of the house was to take him to museums and art galleries where he would just stand in front of aforementioned Gay Paintings and stare at them for a bit. beau wasn't quite sure why at the time, but after ranboo came out to her and told her that he's not really interested in women, she kinda put the pieces together.

i really like the idea of vampires preferring to eat humans who don't contribute much to society. i also think it would be funny if there was just a group of vampires who specifically ate rich humans.

MOST VAMPIRES ARE ACE THAT IS SO TRUE. but like.. actually true they definitely are. because why would one ever want to get into the pants of a human when you could just eat one ^_^ it's like cake, for the lack of a better analogy. why would one want to fuck a cake when one could just eat it instead?

don't feel pressured to feed me more content for my own fic, anon <3 i'm already beyond impressed with what you've been able to come up with based on what i've laid out, especially since we're only about halfway through at this point (maybe a little more. saying half-way may just be copium because i don't really want catalyst to end haha).

i absolutely love this kind of stuff, so if the content well ever fills up again, feel free to send me literally whatever you want, whether it be more world-building, culture, religion, head canons, or just straight up one-shots/drabbles that take place within the universe. all of it is very very very cool to me :D

[the-lincyclopedia]

4, 5, 6, 35 (IK it's not mine; that's okay XD), 43, 48, 50? :))

4. Do you write original stories as well?

Yes! I'm hoping to start draft three of the novel I'm working on soon, and I'm waiting to hear back from an anthology where I submitted a short story. Usually fandom gets my energy for short pieces of writing and original stuff gets my long-form energy; the fact that I'm trying to be a novelist is one of the reasons I don't write multi-chapters anymore.

5. What fanfic of yours should everyone have read?

This question makes it sound like I expect people to already be familiar with my work, which feels kind of arrogant to me. Assuming it's asking what fic I'd like everyone to read . . . see, I still want to let people pick and choose (and avoid stuff they're not going to enjoy or that they might find triggering)!

That said, I think I'm going to rec "To Every Single Kid I Used to Be" here. It has a much higher ratio of comments to hits than most of my other stuff, meaning that fewer people have read it than have read a lot of my other fics, but a lot of the people who read it wanted to let me know how much they liked it. It's a Jack Zimmermann character study, and I highly recommend bringing tissues given that most of the commenters say they cried (but also felt happy/hopeful at the end).

6. What is a fandom you will never write for?

Uh . . . it's hard to know where my obsessions will take me next, and I've definitely eaten my words before when it comes to thinking I wouldn't get into something. I guess I'm pretty confident I won't get into Hannibal? A friend from another fandom got really into Hannibal and never tagged their posts, and eventually I had to unfollow because some of that stuff really turned my stomach.

35. What is your favorite review?

Honestly, your comment was very very sweet! "I'm not even in this fandom" comments are very special and I definitely don't get them often!

That said, probably the most gobsmacked I've ever been by a fic comment was when I got this one (on "To Every Single Kid I Used to Be," actually):

I reread (and finished) the comic after I put it down 5 years ago and I didn't really mean to end up on ao3 but I had to see what kind of things people were writing about Jack being autistic (I refused to believe people just wearnt writing autistic jack of course) and shit. Not only is this an incredibly creative way to tell a story. It's a very fitting way to tell Jacks story specifically. This was absolutly wonderful. I had to take a break in the middle bc of how emotional I was, I still ended up crying. Thank you so much for this. I genuinely don't know if I'll read another OMGCP fic I've read two after this reread (yours being one of them) and they've just been so perfect I don't know that I need to read anything else. This was absolute brilliance. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Like, I genuinely don't know how to be worthy of this.

(Runner up to this comment on "Face the Future with You":

I havent even actually started reading this fic yet but i thought you might enjoy the fact that i'm BIG dumb and thought the name of this series was "Neurodivergent Zombies" and i was looking at the tags like 'it doesn't mention that this is a zombie apocalypse au'

Very excited to read this Zombie-Free fic tho

Just. The pure hilarity.)

43. Guilty pleasure tropes and scenarios?

When I got this one earlier I said insecurity, but now I'm thinking about tropes, and honestly? If you do it well, you can definitely throw the kitchen sink at me: fake dating, only one bed, amnesia, whatever your heart desires. I adore fic tropes (though I read them MUCH more than I write them).

48. What is your favorite sentence that you’ve used in a fanfic?

Oh wow! I have over 400k on AO3, so that's a big question. The first thing that comes to mind is "Caroline’s laugh tinkles like glass breaking, musical and jagged and dangerous," which is from "The Difference an Evening Can Make," one of my Lizzie Bennet Diairies fics. I want to think there are better sentences in some of my other stuff, but honestly I feel like I'm better at the story level than at the sentence level.

50. Can we get a teaser for an upcoming chapter?

I'm not really working on anything at the moment. The only thing in my Google Drive that I think has a particularly high chance of getting finished is the sequel to my summer camp AU, and I haven't touched it in a while, so who knows. Anyway, here's a snippet:

They reach the lake and walk out onto the dock. As they lay down next to each other, Jacques says, “Can I ask why you wanted to get out, or is that too personal?” 

Bitty tries to shrug. It doesn’t work very well given that gravity is pressing his shoulders into the wooden slats of the dock. “It’s okay. I’m gay, and I’m not out to my parents. Honestly, I don’t think the camp I’ve worked at would ever have hired me if they’d known. I could handle it when I was in high school--I’d never come out to anyone--but now I’ve moved out and come out to my college friends, and I just didn’t want to go back into the closet for a whole summer.” 

“Yeah. I get that,” Jacques says. “The closet is even less fun to return to than it is to live in the first time.” 

“Oh!” says Bitty. “Are you--I mean, sorry; I shouldn’t ask--” 

Jacques chuckles. “I’m bi. I’m, uh. Honestly I’m more public about it here, with the other staff, than I am at school. My parents have known since I was 17, but . . . well, let’s just say that it’s not exactly rare for American guys who voluntarily learn French to be some variety of queer. Actually, sometimes when I’m here I have to explain that I’m not gay. Which is very much not what it’s like at school.” 

“Where do you go to school?”

“UW-Madison,” Jacques says. “It’s . . . I mean, it would probably be fine if I weren’t on the hockey team. I mean--shit. That sounded terrible. I like that I’m on the hockey team. I like playing hockey. I just. My teammates, sometimes, I guess . . .”

“I get it,” Bitty says. “I play hockey, too.” 

“Really?” Jacques sounds surprised. “But you’re . . .”

“Tiny, I know,” Bitty cuts in, chuckling. “And fast as hell, thank you very much. With very soft hands.” 

Get in on the ask game!