#bc of that i finished making dinner just now and its super late and im super tired

[flung-out-of-asgard]

silly personal update on the dude and other heartbreaking things

so, he's back with his girlfriend and that explains a lot of things. which is fine, i like her, she's nice.

anyway, talked to my friends about the thing he told me when i graduated and everyone agrees in two things: i should let go for real now, it's clear he thinks im gonna be here forever and that im gonna forgive him for everything because i have feelings for him. but i shouldn't, i'm better than that, really, and im so done with him treating me like the side plate. one dude even said 'man, youre so dick drought and you havent even seen it' and that hurt as fuck.

then there's the "im upset bcs you didnt let me know you finished your career". everyone agrees he was so mean for throwing that out like if i owed him something, and its so unfair that im worried about what he feels when im right between graduation and my birthday, this is supposed to be my week (and i have amazing friends who've actually cared about it and even took me out to dinner and a disney concert to celebrate).

on the other hand, my friends also told me i should go out more, bcs since the pandemic and the second career i have barely even had time to breathe, and i got super rusty on my social skills, which is lame. i used to be super flirty every time i went out to party, and the truth is i havent felt desired for years now, i miss that, and im not ugly, yk?

on the other hand, yes i do want to go out and have fun, but i also miss feeling loved, and having a meaningful connection with someone. lately ive been having dreams about my ex from california, and that just makes me more sad.

last night i dreamed they came to my city and i introduced them to my friends, we were in line for some concert and we were so happy, i was teaching them spanish and we even talked about what the they/them pronouns would be in my language, that was nice.

im not saying i would like to go back to them, bcs i bet theyre better without me and also i should definitely get over that already, but those kind of dreams do keep me longing for what couldve been or what i would like to feel again.

so yeh, thats the update on the heartbreaking things, i guess.

[hi-im-otter]

im sooooo tired gn everyone =_=

(kinda vent in the tags feel free to ignore!)

[keijifairy]

big little things 〃

♡ kageyama, nishinoya, oikawa, iwaizumi, bokuto, akaashi, atsumu, osamu, suna do that show how in love they are with you.

genre. fluff fluff fluff

warning. kinda spoiler for timeskip! bokuto

author’s note. hi,, im so sorry for promising to write but not writing :// i hope this disgustingly fluffy thing will make up for it as a late thank you for 400+ followers!!! aaaaa what 💗💗💗!!!!! 

+ writing this was super fun but also kinda upsetting bc sum of these are inspired by real life love stories wow </3

༘ kageyama frozen by your door with a painfully awkward smile and an assortment of wildflowers in his grasp is truly a sight to behold. before he picks you up for a date, he plucks flowers from the park near his house and shoves them into your hands with an incoherent compliment he exclaims (along the lines of “your face looks pretty”, you realize when he mumbles it the next minute and looking at anywhere but your face). you accept them with a giggle and return the sentiment with your lips brushing his cheek which blossoms into a deeper shade of red. hinata doesn’t believe that the rigid boy with a volleyball for a brain could be a sappy romantic like how you describe him to be.

༘ nishinoya is well aware of your sweet tooth, which is especially fond of chocolates. packs upon packs of the tiny chocolate kisses you secretly pop in your mouth during classes are stashed in his fridge, backpack, and even in the pockets of his uniform as a result. “it’s for emergencies,” he assures you with a proud grin whenever you find yet another family bag of hershey’s somewhere near him. you didn’t guess that not getting a particularly good mark on a test or homework piling up as the days pass were the so-called emergencies he proclaims: when your shoulders sag and your feet shuffle on the ground without a thought, the taste of chocolate lingering in your lips come as a surprise. his favorite laughter finally reaches his ears and nishinoya can’t help but gift you with another of his own chocolate kiss.

༘ oikawa is stubborn, incredibly so, but he’s only doing his best — even tries to push himself past his limit. it’s no surprise to enter the gymnasium to the thud of the ball as it hits the ground and you observe how strands of his hair stick to his forehead while his heavy breaths fill the room. you offer to help, to wait for him until he’s had enough—for too many to count—but he only flashes you a grin and lightly urges you out to the door every single time. oikawa couldn’t bring himself to focus if he watches you jolting awake every now and then instead of resting after bearing the weight of school — though he worries either way. with his phone leaning against his bag, he initiates a video call that gives you the perfect view of the boy jumping in the court through your screen as you make your way home. 

༘ iwaizumi has never gotten used to the ridiculous amount of nail polish you have collected ever since the both of you settled into your own home. he looks back and forth between your face and the small bottle of polish in your hand with his lips pressed together. “do you really need six bottles of blue?” you scoff and correct him for the nth time about the exact name of each color and end it off with a “none of your business, haji.”, causing him to narrow his eyes at you in concern with an exasperated sigh. quite ironic of him, acting so bothered and all, when you catch him watching a “how to build a nail polish shelf” video the next day.

༘ bokuto still calls one of his teammates every wednesday morning to inform them that he would have to miss practice, and atsumu still snickers on the other end of the line with an, “again? are ya sure yer not just slacking off?” wednesdays are scheduled for your doctor’s appointments, after all, so bokuto always makes sure to make it up to the other guys by doing extra drills or staying another hour the next day because he doesn’t intend on missing a single meeting. hospitals and clinics aren’t places you enjoy and you don’t feel comfortable talking with the doctor on your own, but you don’t worry too much — especially with bokuto seated beside you, listening intently to their words with his thumb rubbing circles on the top of your hand. his presence alone is enough to ease your anxieties. (his teammates don’t have it in them to be mad, only thinking about how whipped bokuto is for you).

༘ akaashi knows the moment you open the door with your eyes trained on your shoes that the day hasn’t been the kindest to you. he approaches you in quiet steps, taking your bag from your hands and placing it on the couch. you think the way his hand holds yours so delicately is enough to make you cry as he guides you to the bubble bath he had prepared at the right time, as if his sixth sense had told him of what you were feeling. the scent of lavender oil lingers in the air, and the flickering candles cast a soft glow throughout the room; it’s a comforting silence, save the occasional sniffles that tone down as akaashi gently scrapes through your scalp with shampoo. when the suds of soap are rinsed off of your body and he caresses your cheeks with the pads of his thumbs in the comfort of your bed, sleep crawls into your eyes as a “thank you, keiji.” falls from your lips. he only kisses your forehead in response.

༘ atsumu takes tentative sips on the cold can of cherry cola you offer to him every day. it’s the only drink you purchase at the vending machine during lunch period and what you grab when you two stop at the convenience store for movie night snacks. he doesn’t bother to buy himself one, as you immediately nudge the can on his cheek as soon as you open it. its taste is something he could never get used to, but he swallows it nonetheless, only to convince you afterward that he couldn’t finish it on his own — and of course, he teases you, just like in every opportunity he grabs when you’re simply minding your own business and completely unaware of the trick up his sleeve — and always, you’re left stumbling over your words as you stare at him in shock? embarrassment? offense? perhaps a bit of all of them? but he does know that “that was an indirect kiss just now.” of his and your adorable reaction make cherry cola worth it.

༘ osamu comes home in your arms with drooping eyes and a worn smile. his words are almost incoherent when he mumbles them on your shirt, eventually turning into snores when you tell him to at least wash his face. owning quite a famous shop with the best onigiris in town (your words and his) can be hectic; with the day spent molding countless onigiris and tending to every customer, that ends with his arm limp on top of your waist. with your own work to deal with that occupies almost the rest of your days, there would be no room to breathe with just the both of you — but with osamu, it’s not like that at all. the soft sizzling from the kitchen wakes you up to an empty space beside you and your stomach’s quick to grumble in anticipation. the shop opens early, but osamu doesn’t leave until the both of you start the day eating at the dinner table and talking about the events of yesterday. it’s no doubt he’s still exhausted, so the small gesture of waking up early in the morning to cook your favorite breakfast and the gentle hum that greets you when you wrap your arms around him is enough to make you full. 

༘ suna must be obsessed with you! might be the first thing someone would think when they get their hands on the boy’s phone. his gallery is a gold mine: full of images and videos he takes of you in unknowing times that he has definitely used for blackmail at least twice a week. nibbling on your pen with your eyebrows scrunched when you attempt to start homework, cheek squishing on your pillow as a line of drool slides down the side of your mouth, clutching your stomach and throwing your head back because you’re wheezing too much over something he said, and plenty more embarrassing moments you don’t like looking back on are what fill his storage space. he refuses to delete even a single one, despite how blurry they come out or how you complain about how ridiculous you think you look. suna is obsessed with you — you would know if only you notice how he stops after he snaps a photo, with a small adoring smile that disappears as soon as it comes before he teases you to no end. 

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: May 15th Part 1

It’s been longer than usual since our last answer session, so I’m answering a ton of questions today! It’s so big I split it into two parts. Thank you for the patience on getting a response to these.

Thanks for reaching out to us with your questions and kind words ^^!

Sorry if this has been asked before or isn't something you can say but is there anyway for Cove to confess in step 4? I wanted him to confess in step 3 and followed all the steps to make him do it but ended up texting my family instead of Cove at the end.

Yeah, Cove can confess in Step 4!

Hello! I heard that Cove is on the spectrum, albeit undiagnosed. As someone who is ND, this makes me UNBELIEVABLY happy. I literally was brought to tears! Thank you for that!

Out of curiosity, will Cove be diagnosed in Step 4? I have a strong feeling y’all won’t make it a HUGE deal/make it out to be negative, so I’m not worried about that whatsoever! I’m just curious just he’ll off handedly mention it? Or will it just not be touched upon at all (which is ok!)?

Either way is ok, I’m just curious!

I’m happy it made you happy! Admittedly, Cove simply being someone with autism that grew up not being diagnosed was something I included for myself. I didn’t really think anyone would notice or ask about it, aha. But players did start to have questions about his traits, so I started to talk about it outside of the game. It’s great to see it get such a positive response and now I do feel like having it be a non-topic may have been the wrong choice and bringing it up would’ve been good in terms of having positive representation for that. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to mention it in Step 4 now, with how far along the game is, but I am at least thinking about it when originally it wasn’t something I really even considered.

Hey!  Just wanted to say thank you for Our Life.  It's been a bright spot and a needed escape in what's otherwise been a crummy year.  I know you just did a Q&A post but I figured I'd ask anyway.  Was just curious about Step 4.  Will it be similar to the other Steps in that it consists of several different moments or will it just be one long sequence?

Step 4 is shorter than the prior Steps because it’s just an epilogue rather than a full arc of a story. It’ll consist of scenes that all happen in a set row one after the other. There won’t be a collection of Moments to choose from. But it’ll still be very sweet and fun.

¡hola!, you see, first I want to say that I love Our Life! (°◡°♡) and I have 2 important questions, would Cove cry watching titanic? and what is the saddest part according to him? (sorry for my english) 

Titanic would make him cry. He’d probably think the parts showing people who aren’t able to make it to the life boats/are choosing to stay and go down with the ship were the saddest.

Hello, I wanted to ask how much you earn with creating games? Like is it possible to make a living? Thank you >< <3 

How much I earn varies a lot month to month based on Steam sales, Patreon backers, and how many projects are in full production at the time. It’s also hard to say how much I make historically, since that also changes dramatically year by year. But I do earn enough to work on these games full time! I really appreciate all the support that allows me to do that.

Hey!! I was wondering for the 18+ Our Life moment, will there be an emphasis on safety/comfort for all involved? I feel like there  would be just going off of what the rest of the game is like, but I wanted to ask 

Yes! Cove is a nervous boy himself and also super cautious about doing anything the MC doesn’t like, so clear consent from both is absolutely needed for anything to happen. It’s a conversational sexy times Moment with stops/starts so the two can talk about how they’re feeling, rather than a heat of the moment just going for it kind of thing.

Hey!! I was wondering how long the wedding dlc would be? Will it be broken up into moments, or just one big event? 

It’s one long series of scenes all in a row rather than a collection of Moments to pick from. It’s the shortest and the least expensive of all the DLCs. It’s not super crucial to get and those who aren’t into big weddings can totally skip it without worry.

HELLO AMAZING DEVS 👋 i am hopelessly in love with the worst guy ever (jeremy king) and because of this i have a really stupid question: does he really hate people who are nice to him? TvT he’s too cute to be mean to istg it’s a miracle JB held the urge to be consistently nice to him bc just look at his FACE he is so cute! thank you for jeremy’s route it’s so lovely (and awful bc he’s scum 11/10) it gave me so much laughs LMAO i hope you guys have a good day!! 

Haha, thank you. He doesn’t hate them but he’s certainly not pleased with them. Jeremy is either uncomfortable with or annoyed by people being sweet on him, depending on how they approach it. He’s far more comfortable with jerkiness. It lets him relax and he can be himself without it being a problem, since he’s also a jerk. He feels a level of guilt being such a little punk to kind people, not enough to be a better person but still.

Has Cove dated or been interested in someone other than MC? 

Nope! He stays single over the course of the game if he’s not with the MC.

Is Step 4 more mature? Or it's gonna be set in similar atmosphere as Step 3? 

Step 4 is a similar atmosphere as Step 3. Though, it’s actually kind of less mature-topic heavy than Step 3 since it’s just a ‘hey, let’s check in on the gang to see what they’re up to’ style epilogue rather than a story arc with serious issues.

will there be new music for now and forever?? or will the old our life music be reused? 

It’s gonna be a brand new soundtrack. We’ll be opening up a job position for that soon.

Hi, is it okay if we use the assets in Our Life (like the sprites) for fanworks or fan content content, like edits? 

Sure! Just as long as you don’t use the assets made by those artists to make money.

Quick clarification on Step 3 choices: I hope I didn't come off rude (because I LOVE the game, really!!), I was just curious because the intro threw me off at times. For example, you could choose how you felt about Elizabeth in Step 2 (Dinner), but during the Step 3 intro, it says that you got closer to Liz and I didn't get a choice in it. 

For the example, it can’t be helped that you’re closer to Liz in Step 3 than you were in Step 2 because she’s inherently closer to the MC regardless of whether you liked her or not in Step 2. Her feelings are out of your control and the game isn’t so dramatic that you can push her affection away and not let her bond with you, haha. But ‘being closer’ can still be relative. For some people maybe that means you’re best buds now and for others it might just mean you’re not fighting all the time any more. If there’s other parts you want to mention, feel free to let us know.

Did the illustrator for Our Life change? 

We have many OL artists! The main artists who set the game’s style haven’t changed, but there’s multiple other artists who help finish assets.

So Miranda's type is confident and outgoing, huh? So...does that mean Terri's her type?? 👀 

Haha, sorry for the late reply on this. As you might’ve seen in our post yesterday- yeah that is her type.

Hey! First, I just want to say I've really enjoyed how detailed OL got with gender identity and sexuality and how respectful the topics were handled! It's been so wonderful to play since the experiences could be close to my own (I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up at parts). Second, I was wondering, would future games explore the topic of polyamory? I'd love to see more visual novels allow room for that and I saw you've explored the topic before.

Keep up the amazing work! ♡

Thank you! We do want to include polyamory in at least some of our future projects. Floret Bond, which might be what you’re referring to when mentioning how we’ve explored the topic before, is on hold unfortunately. So right now I’m not sure when something might release or what will be the first game of ours to come out with poly relationships (we might do something else before FB is done). We’ll have see how things ends up coming together.

Hey um. I feel like im not allowed to ask this on the private discord cuz people will yell at me but why is there so much focus on OL2 and not finishing OL1 stuff? I like the new people but i kind of want to finish cove's story and get derek and baxter stuff first. didn't people pay for it? 

I’m sorry, I don’t understand entirely what’s making that situation a concern. There’s a channel in the discord for critique where no one is allowed to comment back. People can voice things they’re worried about without any way for others to push back on it. And the two teams working on the OL games are different. We try to post pretty often about how we’re hiring brand new people to start on Our Life: Now & Forever. The OL1 team is all still working on OL1 like normal. There’s only more updates on the Patreon for OL2 because the expansions to the first game are mostly script-based at this point while OL2 is just starting to get all its art, which means there’s a lot more to show off as previews.

Also, there was a Kickstarter for the first Our Life, if that’s what you mean by people paying for it. But one of the stretch goals was to start Our Life 2 early, before fully completing Our Life 1, so that the new game could be out sooner. It wouldn’t make sense to stop doing OL2 work because that would be going against what backers were promised. Maybe you didn’t get the full story before and hopefully this clears it up!

Hello! I know it's up to every player but.. What is your recommendation for playing order? Did you ever had any timeline  events planned? 

I didn’t make the events with a planned timeline. The events got made simply as I had ideas for them and then I just kind of organized them from left to right on the screen in an order to space out more dramatic ones between more lighthearted ones. Any order the player wants to go with is totally valid!

Hi! It's Step 4 a paid dlc or update? And how long it's planned to be? Ps. Love the game! 

The Step 4 epilogue is free! The Cove Wedding DLC does cost money, though. Those are planned to be shorter than the usual Steps/DLCs.

Will we have options for what sort of job the MC might have by the time step 4 takes place? 

Yeah, you can. It’s not super exact or detailed, but there are options about it.

Is there a pandemic in Our Life world, or is it just in a better timeline with no pestilence? 

Our Life is pandemic-free! That didn’t exist when we began working on the project and it’s not something we’d like to feature in this story now that it has unfortunately come along, aha.

Hi, you said that you can play tic-tac-toe or hangman with Cove in Boating if you're sick/scared but I keep getting tic-tac-toe. Am I doing something wrong?

After being sick/scared you have to continue to be upset/unwell. If you calm down and decide to just chill you’ll end up playing tic-tac-toe.

Hi, GB Patch! Since Lee was initially commissioned to only appear in two Steps does this mean she won't appear in the Wedding DLC? I really like her character so it'll be a little weird to not have our cousin at our wedding, aha.

She is gonna be in Step 4/the wedding DLC after all! We’re still working with her creator to make sure it fits with what they wanted.

Is Sunset Bird based on a real place? Asking for a friend, not trying to move there or anything. 👀

It’s based on small beach towns in So-Cal, but not one specific town you could go see in real life, I’m afraid. It’d be nice if it was real, though.

—– —– —– —–

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[ddaenggtan]

monachopsis | knj x ksj

seokjin knows - has known, for years - that his life will be like this forever. there is no more sea, there is no more swimming, there is no more of anything he used to know. this is life - wake up, go to a shoot, try not to piss giho off, go home, sleep, wake up again. because he was caught. because giho owns him. because he can't. 

but then he meets namjoon. and seokjin starts to realize that maybe...just maybe. he can.

pairing | namjin

rating | sfw (some swearing & violence, so T for teen)

wc | 5.7k | cross-posted to ao3

warnings | mild violence, allusions to violence and physical abuse, a very brief depiction of said abuse, non-sexual choking, non-sexual slavery in a way, selkie!jin, aquarium worker!joon, marine biologist!joon, model!jin

a/n | hi this is for fwl’s Luv Library project, for the Fantasy & Fairytales section, and its also the first mxm i’ve ever posted so it might be a Little Rough but i am very attached to these characters and also i Love Selkies SO you get selkie jin!!! special super shoutout to @personawife​ for reading through it and also giving me the title!!!! im luv u!!! i hope u like the surprise ending that you didn’t get to read bc it was a surprise!!!!!!! ALSO added shoutout to user @jamaisjoons​ for the SUPERB banner she made!!!!!!!! im in love!!!!!!!!!! sol i do not deserve u!!!!!!!!!!

 He misses the sea, sometimes. 

He misses the refracting light and the weightlessness and the bubbles. He aches for the days he could swim, for miles and miles and miles, without getting tired. He misses the way his hair would move in the water, the way it felt to lay in the sun to dry off, the warmth that came with it all. 

Seokjin wraps his sweater more tightly around his torso and forces the thoughts away. Remembering gets him nowhere, he scolds himself. This is his life, now and forever, and he’s got to accept that if he wants to survive long enough to see the sea once more. He can do this. He’s strong enough for this.

The chill of the winter air is strong, too; it seeps into his bones and roots in them, lingering long after he’s made his way inside the studio. Giho is already there, berating some poor girl for her outfit choice. When he sees Seokjin he stops, waving at the intern. She runs out without even looking up. 

“You’re late,” Giho says with a sneer. They both glance at the clock on the wall. 11:55.

“You said noon,” Seokjin responds. His tone is neutral, a carefully constructed skill that has saved his life many times over the years. 

Giho tsks, likely because he can’t outright smack Seokjin with so many people around. Still, Seokjin can feel the old man’s eyes on him as he strips out of his clothes. 

The cold is prominent against his naked skin, and it doesn’t ebb as he slides the new clothes on. Giho is already yelling again, at the stylist this time, and it’s a familiar background noise. It’s still going on when he gets on the set, face in the perfect mask that everyone seems to love. 

The photographer barely needs to direct him; he and Taehyung have worked together for months now, and it only gets easier. Tae knows his best angles, his best lighting, how to highlight the cold expression he wears in shoots so the audience can interpret it their own way. 

Seokjin doesn’t know where Giho found this kid, but Tae is lucky the old bastard can’t keep him.

“To the left,” Tae mutters, and Seokjin does so without a word. 

The hours pass quickly. Between outfit changes and makeup retouches and actually shooting, the day flies. Before he even knows it, the clock is striking ten, and everyone is packing up. 

Jin changes quickly back into his sweater, the ever-colder air chilling him once more. Giho is off to the side with Taehyung and the Artistic Director, Hoseok, all three of them conversing quietly as they look at the photos from today. There’s no need for Seokjin to look; he knows how he did because Giho’s hands are kept to themselves. 

Checking again that they’re all suitably distracted, Seokjin turns to leave. He promptly stops, because he runs almost directly into someone coming through the door. Hands dart up to catch him, big and strong and warm as they wrap around his elbows for a second longer than they should, and there’s a muttered “Sorry,” from the guy in front of him. 

“Careful, hyung,” Taehyung’s voice calls. “Don’t damage the moneymaker.”

Seokjin’s eyes meet the man’s - a warm brown, one that reminds him of chocolate and muddy snow and love - before he physically pulls himself away. He doesn’t have to look at Giho to know what he’s thinking, what his paranoia is telling him about, and Seokjin needs to be able to eat tonight.

“It’s fine,” Seokjin says in the same unaffected voice he always uses around sets. “Barely touched me.”

The man frowns - probably because Seokjin is lying - but he lets it go, and Seokjin is thankful for it. Small mercies. 

“Jin,” Giho calls. He stops and turns. “Eleven, tomorrow.” He nods and leaves, ignoring the exhaustion in his bones and the familiar sorrow that fills his chest as he passes the all-too-familiar trunk by the door.

In the studio he leaves behind, Namjoon shares a look with his brother, who very minutely shakes his head. Namjoon knows that look, created that look to warn Tae off the ones that were more trouble that he could handle. Namjoon always wondered why his little brother never listened to that look. 

As he and Taehyung head to dinner, passing billboard after poster after billboard with Jin’s face on it, Namjoon thinks he might understand. 

The guy shows up more often. Seokjin knows his name, has said it a thousand times in his head over the weeks, but he won’t let himself acknowledge it. He can feel the guy’s stares on him, every time he arrives to get Tae at the same time Seokjin is running out the door after a shoot. He feels the interest, he’s intimately familiar with how it feels to have someone’s eyes running up and down his body, and he knows exactly what kind of danger that puts the both of them in. 

Giho sees it too, he’s sure. That’s the most dangerous part of it, the thing that could be the end of them both. He hasn’t said anything - yet - but Jin is positive as he switches poses for Taehyung that Giho can tell. 

He can tell that Namjoon - the guy , Jin corrects himself - is showing up earlier and earlier, more and more often, often hanging out beside the photo monitor and talking to Hoseok while he waits. That his eyes linger, long after the model is gone, and that they wonder, about everything. That he’s interested . 

Seokjin doesn’t like to remember what happened to the last man that was interested in him. 

It’s pouring rain. There’s a fog over the city that clouds vision and hushes conversation. There’s damp in the air, a wetness that seeps into each breath and covers the earth in its scent. It’s like a blanket over everything, making it all grey and dark and quiet, and Seokjin lives for it. 

It reminds him of the sea. How it would churn and darken and crash before a storm. The way the salt spray would hit the ice, the smell of the lightning in the air, the way he could just let it carry him wherever it wanted him to go. 

He stands outside the studio. Giho left hours before, for some important networking dinner. He’d tried to drag Seokjin along with him, until Taehyung offhandedly mentioned needing to reshoot a couple things. Giho had sneered and stormed out and that was that.  

Now he stands outside, in the rain, with his back against the building. The trunk is just on the other side of the wall; it lingers in the back of his mind, taunting. He can feel it. He knows it’s there. 

It’s a testament to how thorough Giho is in his punishments that Seokjin doesn’t attempt to claw it open and instead just tips his head back, eyes closed, basking in the water soaking his sweater and the pull he can feel in his stomach. 

He should be swimming.

“Do you need a ride?”

Seokjin doesn’t even open his eyes; he knows the voice. Has spent too long hearing it murmur on the sidelines of photoshoots, has watched its owner as his lips form words he isn’t supposed to listen to. 

He should ignore it. That’s what Giho would warn him to do.

“Jin?” 

He flutters his lids open, casting a glance at where Namjoon and Taehyung stand. Taehyung has his camera out, and Seokjin has no doubt he’s already snapped a few photos of their surroundings out of habit. 

“I’m fine,” he says softly. His voice is slightly hoarse from disuse, but Namjoon doesn’t even flinch. Taehyung is fiddling with his camera, oblivious to the way Namjoon’s eyes search Seokjin’s face for the lie he won’t find.

The rain is the only solace that Seokjin gets; he cherishes these nights. He won’t cut it short, especially not for a human.

“I’m fine,” He repeats. Against his better judgement, he continues, “I enjoy the rain. It’s refreshing.”

“Refreshing…” Namjoon echoes quietly. Neither of them speak, for a long moment; Namjoon continues to look for any sign that Seokjin is lying, and Seokjin continues to pretend the streaks on his cheeks are from the raindrops. 

“Walk Jin home.”

They both turn at that, to where Taehyung has his camera pressed to his eye as he frames some shots. When he’s finished, and there’s been no response, Taehyung looks at them both. 

“It’s bad weather,” Taehyung explains, “On a dark night. It’d be rude of us to let you walk home alone when anything could be lurking in the shadows.”

Namjoon looks at Seokjin, practically begging for him to agree. He should say no. He should walk himself the ten blocks to his apartment, and pretend neither of them ever said anything, and continue on with his life. Giho would go berserk if he ever found out, would never allow it, would do everything he could to prevent it. 

“Sure,” Seokjin says. He’s tired of doing what Giho wants. He’s tired of being without the sea, being kept landlocked with just the rain to remind him of home. “It’s this way.”

Namjoon and Taehyung share a look, but Seokjin pays it no mind as he heads down the street. 

The rain is coming down in sheets, and his clothes are soaked. They rest heavy against his skin, and it just makes Seokjin miss the ocean more. He misses how it felt to be weightless, constantly; to feel so powerful and strong and capable. He never feels that way on land. 

“How long have you been a model?” Namjoon eventually asks. For a moment - a split second - Seokjin considers ignoring him. It’s what Giho would demand he do. 

“Too long,” He says instead. 

“You don’t enjoy it?” Namjoon asks, surprised. Seokjin shakes his head, just slightly. 

“I do, it’s just…” He searches for the words. He can’t tell anyone about it, has no one to talk to, no one that would believe him. He’s never even felt the urge to share it. Until now. “It’s not what I would have picked for myself.”

Namjoon is silent beside him, and Seokjin can feel the question on the tip of his tongue. He’s going to ask why he does it, why he would bother being a model if it isn’t what he wants to do, and then Seokjin will be forced to come up with an excuse. 

“What would you have picked?” Namjoon asks instead. 

It brings all of the thoughts in his head to a standstill; all the worry and anxiety and stress stops, distracted by the thought that he had wanted, once upon a time. It takes a long time for Seokjin to find words, to find something that could translate into human language. 

“To swim,” He says simply. “To be in the ocean, or with my family. Something.”

“You aren’t with your family?”

“No.” He debates how much to say, but eventually, Seokjin decides, fuck it . He’s been quiet for long enough, and something about Namjoon is comforting, and soothing, and encouraging. “I lost them, when I was very young.”

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon says, and Seokjin thinks he actually means it, even if he doesn’t know the real truth of the matter. How Seokjin strayed too far from them, despite the warnings he’d been given his entire life. How he wanted to stretch human legs and snuck away and got caught by someone that recognized the coat drying on a rock and what he was. 

How Giho locked it away, for years, and forced Seokjin to be his ticket to wealth. 

“So am I.”

It becomes an irregularly regular thing, Namjoon walking him home. 

He can’t do it every night. They’re both too aware of the way Giho watches them, though for different reasons. Namjoon doesn’t know what Giho has done to others in his position, the lengths he’s gone to ensure Seokjin stays his. 

But the nights when he can, when Giho leaves for some dinner or event or something and Taehyung can come up with a believable excuse...those are the nights that Seokjin starts looking forward to. 

He learns so much about Namjoon - that he studied marine biology in school, got his doctorate in it as soon as he could; that he visits his parents’ grave every Wednesday morning, leaves flowers for them when he has the money; that he wants to travel the world and help endangered species everywhere, wants to take Taehyung with him as a nature photographer; that he’s the best man Seokjin has ever known with the biggest heart and the most patience that he’s ever seen. 

Namjoon doesn’t question why Seokjin only ever gives vague answers, or skirts around mentions of where he comes from, or why he doesn’t have a phone. He doesn’t ask Seokjin to let him up into the apartment, or answer his questions, or explain why he stays at arm’s length despite leaning closer because Namjoon is warm. 

He doesn’t question any of it, and it makes Seokjin’s heart flutter dangerously in his chest, and it means that when Namjoon asks if he has a free day anytime soon, Seokjin only hesitates for a second before he responds. 

“Giho has a business trip coming up,” he tells Namjoon. “As long as we have three full shoots, he won’t suspect anything.”

“Will you come with me?” Namjoon asks. “I just want to distract you for the day. I’ve seen your life, what you do, so much. I’d like to show you mine, if you’ll let me.” 

He should say no. He shouldn’t go with him, he should say no, and stop letting Namjoon walk him home, and let Giho move them across the country again.

“Sure.”

The day comes. Seokjin dresses nicer, though he’ll never admit it. A nice button-down, black slacks, hair styled, sunglasses to combat the glare in the sky. Giho is gone for three days - three marvelous, liberated days - and Seokjin can use that time to come up with a believable excuse if he’s recognized.

Namjoon looks like he always does - warmth and welcome and strength. It settles in Seokjin’s chest the second he sees Namjoon, and he wonders if this is what people meant when they say they found home in someone.

He doesn’t ask Namjoon where they’re going; just follows him onto the subway, and off, and on, and off again, listening to him talk about this cafe and that bookstore and the busker on the corner. He gets the full experience of Namjoon’s commute, and he couldn’t be more in love with him. 

With it. He’s in love with it , the commute, seeing what other people do each day. That’s all, because that’s all he can let himself have. 

When they arrive, Seokjin stares. He doesn’t know why he didn’t know, why he didn’t put the pieces together from all the times Namjoon has mentioned his work and his degree, but he didn’t...he didn’t think , didn’t even consider, and now he stands on the sidewalk, staring at the large building, and Namjoon is waiting for him. 

“Seokjin?” He asks softly. “We can turn around right now.” 

He looks at Namjoon - really looks at him. Takes in the nice turquoise shirt and the cuffed slacks and the dress shoes, the glasses that are so thick Seokjin wonders how he sees without them at all, the way there’s already disappointment clouding the acceptance in his eyes. 

“No,” He says. “No, it’s fine. Let’s go.”

He shouldn’t be here, his mind tells him throughout each exhibit. Not just because of Giho this time, but for himself. 

Namjoon is so excited about each exhibit, telling him about each creature as they go through. He mentions how each one has its own name, though they get confused sometimes for the larger populations. How so many have been released into the wild successfully, how so many have been rebuilt and are on the brink of non-endangered status. 

He talks about the sharks, and how Louise and Wheein haven’t been getting along, but that Yari and Chainsaw are expecting a pup soon; he talks about the penguins and how Potato keeps stealing extra fish but he does it to give to Frenchie, so they let him get away with it; he talks about the jellyfish, and the rays, and the octopuses, and everyone and everything, and it’s nearly too much for Seokjin, but he manages. 

He gets through nearly the entire aquarium, exhausted but content with the happy grin on Namjoon’s face, but he stops, because Namjoon has mentioned Maple throughout the entire trip, has talked about her before. Seokjin knows Maple’s history better than his own, almost, but he never realized…

Now he does. He watches as Maple dives back down off the landing, flipping and turning in the water. They stand in a viewing area, a room long and tall and tinted blue with the water at the bottom of the tank. It gives way to land halfway up, is more than generous for the lone animal that dances through the water. 

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Namjoon asks. “She’s the one we’re working hardest with. Hawaiian monk seals are critically endangered, so when she was brought in as a pup, she took first priority. We’re doing everything we can to get her back up to breeding standards. She keeps getting sick, though, and no pregnancy has been viable so far.”

Seokjin doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even blink. He doesn’t know this seal, not really; she’s just a seal, she’s not like him, she’s not even the same species, but a human wouldn’t know that. Especially not a human like Namjoon, completely out of the loop on all of it. 

“She wants to be free.”

He can see it when Namjoon turns to look at him, confused. Watches the reflection in the glass as closely as he watches Maple’s mourning dance. 

“Her environment is larger than most,” Namjoon says. “She’s got plenty of room to swim and we’ve got activity sets throughout so she’s mentally stimulated as well. She eats, probably more than she should, and-”

“A cage is still a cage, no matter how pretty it is.” Seokjin can see it, can hear Maple’s call, can feel it in his very soul as the urge to respond grows. She spots them standing there and swims closer, and Seokjin places a hand on the glass wall. “She wants to be back in the ocean.”

“It’s dangerous for her there,” Namjoon says quietly. He says it like he knows, like he’s always known, what she needs, but doesn’t want to admit it. “There isn’t enough food, humanity keeps taking their territory...she’s sick. She wouldn’t survive out there.”

Better to die free than spend eternity in a cage, Seokjin thinks bitterly. He takes a breath and reminds himself that Namjoon cares. He’s helping, in the only way that he knows how. 

Maple spins when she spots Namjoon, clearly excited, but when her eyes land on Seokjin, she stills. 

“Ah, she’s not always friendly to strangers, so…” Namjoon trails off. His reflection shows his jaw slack, open in a surprised o , because he’s wrong, this time. 

Maple lets out a whistle - long, and low, and haunting in the stillness of the building. Her nose is nearly against the glass, she’s so close, and she looks straight into him. She sees him, recognizes him for what he is, and uses the call. 

Seokjin can feel the snap as his soul breaks; what little was left of him shatters, into pieces. He can’t return her call, he can’t tell her that he sees, that he knows what she’s feeling and will do what he can to help her, because he can’t . He can’t help her, he has no way to save her from her cage because he’s stuck in his own. 

She must see it, somehow, because her song trails off, and Seokjin hates himself. He hates himself for being here, for allowing himself to get close to Namjoon when he can’t, for not being able to even hear her song the way it deserves to be heard. 

“Hey,” Namjoon calls, soft and quiet. His thumb brushes hesitantly along Seokjin’s cheek, carrying a tear with it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“I’m fine,” Seokjin tells him. “I’ve got to be up early tomorrow, to do the shoots, so I’m gonna head home.” 

“Do you want me to go with you?”

He turns on his heel and walks out, ignoring Namjoon’s question entirely. He can’t lie right now, he does want Namjoon with him, but he can’t. It’s too dangerous, and seeing Maple just reminded him of it. 

He can’t let Namjoon get hurt just because he makes Seokjin feel marginally better. 

In his wake, Namjoon sighs. He turns to Maple, wishing he was up top in his wetsuit so he could run his fingers through her fur the way she likes. Her eyes are big and sad, more so than usual, and Namjoon thinks maybe he understands her for the first time. 

“I’ll try,” He tells her. “I’ll try.”

Weeks pass. Months fly by. Shoot after shoot after shoot gets published, and Giho rakes in the cash from them. Seokjin stays in his small apartment, watching the light reflect rainbows through the window pane. He stopped letting Namjoon walk him home when Giho got back, and nearly ripped part of Seokjin’s hair out with fury that he’d gone out. 

The only reason it wasn’t worse is because Seokjin managed to convince him that it was promo for the upcoming swimwear collection, and good press about the humanitarian efforts of the label. 

It doesn’t matter anyway, because Namjoon stopped showing up after a few days. Seokjin refuses to ask Taehyung why, because he shouldn’t care. He can’t care. Not with Giho hovering over his shoulder at every turn. 

One day, for some reason, things change. Giho gets less certain, more fidgety. Starts looking over his own shoulder. Stops threatening Seokjin with every glance. 

Stops glancing altogether. 

It just makes Seokjin worry more; if the one in charge is afraid of something, everyone else should be as well. That was the first lesson his mother taught him. 

Seokjin gathers his things. Packs them all back into his suitcase, keeps a single change of clothes out and starts washing them every day. Giho looks ready to run, and Seokjin knows by now that he needs to be ready when it happens if he wants to keep any of his things. 

Then Giho disappears. 

Giho disappears for a while . 

He doesn’t take Seokjin with him. He just disappears one night, when everything is quiet and still. The calendar is still booked with shoots, so Seokjin just keeps working. One night, he and Taehyung go out for Korean BBQ. The entire week after that, Seokjin expects Giho to pop up and berate him for doing anything that isn’t working, but it never comes. 

A few weeks later, they go on a day trip to a mountain and walk the trails together while Taehyung takes pictures. Neither of them mention Giho or Namjoon or anything except the way the leaves fall. 

Life goes on. For months, Seokjin begins tiptoeing across the line. He goes out more often. The time between shoots gets longer and longer, and Seokjin begins to enjoy things. He goes to see movies, and shopping, and eating, and travelling. He starts doing the things he wants to do. 

He sees Namjoon again. 

They get dinner together, whenever they’re both free. It starts with Taehyung inviting him for drinks, and turns into them meeting each other at the cafe on the corner that makes the good boba. They talk for what could be hours, or what could be minutes. Seokjin never knows, because everything else seems to stop when he’s with Namjoon. 

He says as much as he can, as much as he dares, but it never seems like it’s enough. Namjoon takes what Seokjin gives him, more than happy to be included again, but they both know that there’s a time limit on it. Still, Seokjin fools himself into thinking that it’s become an if , instead of being a when . 

He fools himself into thinking that this can be his life. 

It takes almost four months. It’s been nearly a year since Seokjin first met Namjoon - he refuses to acknowledge that he remembers the day. Giho returns in a whirlwind. 

He interrupts the shoot, throws the clothes around, breaks some mannequins, it’s all out war on the set, and they all watch silently. The only thing that keeps him from breaking Taehyung’s camera is the look on the younger’s face when Giho goes for it. 

But of course, nothing lasts forever. He spots Seokjin, sitting as still as a statue in the makeup chair, and that’s the beginning of the end. He recognizes the feral rage in God's eyes, has seen it barely contained too many times before, and he’s clearly not holding back this time. 

He has Seokjin on the ground, under his shoe, with a cane against his throat when the door opens. The others have tried to help, but Giho is surprisingly adept with a cane when he wants to be, and as such, no one has gotten close. But Seokjin can guess what time it is, he knows in his bones who just walked in, and he refuses to let this happen.

“You,” Giho hisses. The pressure on Seokjin’s throat disappears as Giho stands; the model coughs, several times, choking down air even as his hand darts out to wrap around his owner’s ankle. 

The elder crumples to the ground, kicking at Seokjin’s steel grip, but it’s useless, because Seokjin is tired. 

He is tired of being afraid of a bitter old man. He is tired of being without the sea. He is tired of not allowing himself to be happy. 

He’s on top of Giho before he even realizes he’s moved, prying the cane from his hands and holding it steady over Giho’s windpipe. He doesn’t press down, not yet; just holds it there, like the threat it is.

“You will not hurt him,” Seokjin commands. “And you will run, as far as you can get. You will run to the ends of the earth, and then, God willing, you will run further. You will leave your wealth and your fame and everything I have made for you, and if you dare to show your face among humanity again…”

“What?” Giho spits, a smirk growing on his face. “What is a defenseless little pup like you going to do?”

Seokjin leans down, letting the cane choke the man below him as he drops his voice. “I will find my brethren, and I will tell them what you have done. They will spread your story far and wide, across every ocean, over every continent, and when they find you, they will remind you why we are considered predators.”

He sits back, letting the cane go and allowing air back into his lungs. He stands on his own two feet, the legs that have carried him for so long, and he looks around. 

“This shoot is over,” Seokjin says. “Everyone get out.” 

The people scramble, even Taehyung gathers his things to leave, and the room is empty in seconds. Only he and Giho remain. 

The elder lies on the floor, still catching his breath, as Seokjin tosses the cane across the room. He looks around, spots an old iron trash can from a shoot last month, and starts toward it. 

“It won’t do you any good,” Giho says. Seokjin ignores him and hefts the can up, carrying it across the room. “You won’t get anywhere. You can’t just disappear, not when the world knows your face.”

“Maybe so,” Seokjin says as he positions himself. “But at least I’ll have the choice.”

He brings the iron can down with all his strength. There’s a colossal crash as it connects with the old padlock, and it only gets louder with the next one. It takes seven hits for the lock to break, and the sound of it clattering to the floor isn’t one he’s likely to forget.

When he opens the trunk, however, it’s empty. 

“I told you,” Giho hisses triumphantly. “It won’t do any good.” 

Seokjin resists the urge to curse under his breath and forces himself not to sob as he looks back at Giho. 

“Then it won’t do you any good either.”

The sand is warm beneath his feet. The setting sun paints the sky a myriad of colors, orange turning into red bleeding into purple shifting into blue curling into black, all of it reflected in the cool water below. The tang of salt wafts in with every breath he takes, and just confirms that this is right. 

“Thanks for meeting me,” Namjoon says from behind him. Seokjin didn’t hear him approach, but he didn’t need to. He knows Namjoon won’t hurt him. 

“Thanks for calling,” Seokjin responds. He feels the tide tickle his toes, and he knows that this is best. “I actually wanted to tell you something.”

“I think I should go first,” Namjoon’s voice is firm, but hesitant. Like he doesn’t want to say what he’s saying. Seokjin turns, frowning slightly when he sees the other. Namjoon looks troubled, looks like he would rather be anywhere else, and that doesn’t bode well for Seokjin. 

Still, he gestures for Namjoon to continue.

“Tae pointed it out,” Namjoon eventually says. “He mentioned how you looked at it, and thought maybe...maybe it had passports or something inside, something you could use to get away. So when he left, and we thought he might not come back...I opened it.”

A weight settles in Seokjin’s throat. 

“Opened what?”

“The trunk,” Namjoon says. “I broke in and I picked the lock and...I didn’t know it was...I didn’t think he had it….” He sighs and pulls his hands from behind his back, and there it is. 

Seokjin’s coat. 

It’s silky and smooth and soft and perfect and exactly as he remembers it. It’s bigger now, grown with him, and the sight of it in the light is enough to bring tears to his eyes. 

“He had some kind of alert on the trunk,” Namjoon continues, “So when I opened it he knew. That’s why he came back. I didn’t know he would come back.”

“Namjoon…” Seokjin looks at him, eyes wide and tear-filled, and for the first time since they met, Seokjin is scared. His life is here, right in front of him, but he doesn’t know if he can have it. 

Because now Namjoon knows. He knows what Seokjin is, he’s fully aware that Seokjin can’t leave without the coat in Namjoon’s hands. He could keep him forever, just as Giho intended to do. 

“I didn’t know,” Namjoon says again. “Or I wouldn’t have taken you to the aquarium. I wouldn’t have done that to you, I wouldn’t have hurt you like that, and I am... so sorry, Seokjin. I’m so sorry that I did that to you, I-”

“Namjoon, you didn’t know-”

“But now I do.” Namjoon sniffles slightly, and his hands shake, but he extends them, holding the coat out to Seokjin. “And I’m sorry.”

Seokjin’s fingers curl in the fur, almost reverently, as he takes it. It’s still warm, and it feels like water in his hands, and it’s everything he’s missed in his life. 

“Namjoon, I…” He trails off, because there’s nothing he could say. No words fit this gift, this release; there’s nothing he could say that would properly convey the emotions building in Seokjin’s chest. 

“I know,” Namjoon says. “You’re not in a cage anymore. You’re free to go and do what you want to do.”

Seokjin strips his sweater off and wraps his sealskin around his shoulders. It’s the perfect size for him, exactly what he needs, and when he crashes waist-deep into the surf, it keeps him warm. 

He turns, though. Namjoon stands on the shore, just out of reach of the tide, and watches him. There’s a smile on his face, small and sad, and Seokjin wants nothing more than to wipe it from his lips, but he can’t. 

Because he’s free. 

He turns, wrapping the skin tighter around his shoulder. When he gets under the water, he can feel it in his hair and he can feel the water against his tail and he’s almost home. 

But something is missing. 

There’s warmth and weightlessness and the setting sun painting the water a rainbow , but the buzz in Seokjin’s chest isn’t full. There’s something not right, something not quite perfect about this moment that he’s been dreaming of for years, and he can’t figure out what. 

Namjoon stares at the horizon, wondering how far Seokjin has already gone. He sends up a small wish, a hope, that Seokjin can live his life, free and happy and himself. That he can find his family, see his pod again. 

His heartbeat turns painful, something constricting his chest and making it difficult to breathe, so he turns away. The crash of the waves covers the sound of his shaky breath, because of course, of course , he would find love in a man that couldn’t stay. 

Fingers tangle in his own and Namjoon turns, shocked, to see a wet Seokjin, hair damp with his sealskin around his waist. 

“W-What-”

“I can’t,” Seokjin says softly. “I can’t go back, I can’t find them, I don’t know how to do that without…”

He trails off and Namjoon stares because this is it, he thinks. This is everything he’s been waiting for his entire life, here, right in front of him. He just has to let himself have it. 

Seokjin’s hand pulls away from his and Namjoon mourns the loss for the brief moment it takes for the selkie to pull his sealskin off and place it carefully in Namjoon’s arms. 

“Namjoon,” He says, voice hushed and serious, “I want you to...because I…” 

He’s never Seokjin this unsure, this at a loss, and the way he keeps starting sentences that have no end is undeniably endearing. But he can feel Seokjin’s growing frustration at his inability to articulate his thoughts, so he just smiles. 

“I know,” Namjoon says. He takes the coat and places it back in Seokjin’s hands, covering them with his own. The heat from their skin combines and warms Namjoon straight to the core. “And I love you too.”

[gokubrain]

alright

its nearly 2020 and ihere i am. with kakavege headcanons. yr welcome

[[MORE]]

- goku waking up early bc he’s a farmer

- vegeta waking up super late bc he’s a royal

- goku making breakfast for vegeta but he wakes up late so its cold lol

- goku being a very good cook bc he spent years of his life cooking for himself

- when the earth is peaceful for long period of time, goku begins to get bored and a bit depressed.

- when goku gets bored/depressed, he randomly disappears, travelling to other parts of the world to train/explore/etc. for a week or so to clear his head

- vegeta having a hard time coping with goku disappearing randomly at first but slowly starts to grow accepting and supportive of this

- goku and vegeta getting in a really bad argument and vegeta staying at capsule corp for a few days

- trunks moves in with goku and vegeta bc he doesnt wanna live him his mom anymore

- trunks sitting outside grouchily as he waits for goku and vegeta to finish fucking inside

- goten coming to live with vegeta and goku and trunks bc He doesnt wanna live with chichi anymore

- vegeta and goku and trunks and goten eating dinner together as a family every night

- vegeta convincing goku to sleep in with him until noon

- vegeta is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than goku so goku often lifts him and carries him around, to vegeta’s distaste

- vegeta and goku both wearing suits to their wedding but vegeta wearing a really really long veil-like cape as per saiyan tradition

- goku does the laundry (with a washboard and clothesline) and vegeta does the dishes

- fusion masturbation

- lots and lots of bite marks, territorial kiss-bruises, etc

- goku often provokes slow-dancing in random rooms of the house for no reason

- goku joining bulma and her friends for tea in the morning and they all interrogate him about vegeta, but he doesn’t grasp gossiping very well so he just kinda tells them what the want to know about their domestic life and is confused by their fangirlish response

- vegeta joining bulma and her friends for wine in the evening and telling them what they want to know in great detail about their sex life after a few glasses and feels superior by their fangirlish response

- goku wakes up early to train with trunks and always showers and vegeta wakes up to join him in the shower but goes back to sleep once goku leaves

- NEW YEARS PARTY AT THE SON HOUSE

- vegeta gets too drunk with yamcha of all people at this party and they basically hang out all night

- goku doesnt like drinking so at the new years party he just hangs out with krillin and eats a Lot

- when it’s time for the ball to drop vegeta obviously has to kiss goku upon the new year change

- goku randomly buying vegeta little gifts

- vegeta loving it because in saiyan culture its tradition to bring your mate home a treasure from your most recent adventure

- vegeta having horrible nightmares about working under freeza and goku being there to comfort him

- vegeta binging older tv shows that he didnt get to experience bc they didnt have tv in space

- vegeta loves?? old fall out boy???? sorry but its true

- goku and vegeta just lounging about all day long

- vegeta loves video games bc capsule corp had a bunch and so when he was resting his body post-training he would play and he teaches goku how to play

- vegeta teaching goku how to play resident evil 4 and goku developing a crush on leon kennedy

- vegeta jealous of leon LOL

- goku likes living in solitude but also adores his family so he wants to be around his sons a lot and vegeta supports that

- christmas-time doesnt matter to vegeta bc its just an earth holiday but it means a lot to goku bc he loves being with his family so he wants to spend a lot of time with vegeta and trunks and goten

- gohan visits goku on christmas day and brings videl and pan and goku is so HAPPY to have whole his family with him

- vegeta discovering pot bc he caught trunks smoking it and now vegeta and trunks and goten all get high together regularly

- goku doesnt like the way it smells though

- goku and vegeta riding the train through the city very late at night and holding one another (u know the supobi pic im talkin about)

- vegeta in goku’s gi as pajamas of Course

[pairodicelost]

something needs to change soon bc i have so much i wanna do and make, and the dead weight of my own body and the prolonged suffering i dip in and out of is just untenable

had a well and truly terrible mental health day on tues... monday night was acute suffering and rumination and DAMAGED GOODS feeling, I drunk drafted an email to [redacted] shedding light on [redacted] (amazingly articulate, graceful even? though a tad dramatic), I drank gin, I went to bed. set off by watching vids of a young person i follow having a manic sobbing laughing undressed spiral online which really just grabbed my heart by the throat. Tuesday I couldnt get up until 3pm, and Angel sneezed so I panicked, either lung cancer or dust from her bedding (which i’d been changing daily!!) so I deep cleaned her cage extremely, held her on me almost the whole time, spent hours with her really while I did it and drank coffee and swept the house and handwashed her cloths and sewed things for her cage and then suddenly, cried and cried for awhile while she crawled on my shoulders. then made rly good dinner bc cooking is now something i like????

facetimed my sister super grumpy from my bad day and she was sour too, bad day on her end, rude boss, lotsa pressure, but she practiced delivering her presentation of the neuroscience data she gleaned and described in her (first! ever!) published manuscript/experiment. somehow cheered each other up. went to bed sober and not too late.

I am struggling to write and struggling to paint, collage with words is completely off the table lately bc my brain just convulses and turns into a wet towel and cannot focus. I think I need to aggressively enforce a week of NO MAKING ANYTHING, its okay to just cook and watch movies and play with the rats. No drawing or painting and most of all no shame over that. my self worth is all wrapped up in it, im supposed to be wildly productive in all my downtime so that I est a body of work, all weekend and all week nights go to this second life which will emerge - and I just gotta stop and chill tf out with making that my identity and my everything. this is about cooking! im worried about money all the time (bad bad bad, youre supposed to exercise gratitude and act and believe as if you already have the things you want, you know this!) but I have an overflowing pantry and a full fridge and freezer (its a minifridge and freezer lmao) and lately, unable to finish projects or deal with words, I’ve gotten into cooking! and baking! it keeps the kitchen warm, too, and is profoundly comforting.

french onion soup, nondairy tomato soup, brussel sprouts roasted with potatoes dressed in balsamic + garlic with eggs fried in there, butternut squash

so something is level and good within me, i suspect a lot of things are getting there.

today:

1. get to fedex/office depot and make 50 copies of zine

1.5. mail 2 maya while there

2. pick up carriers for the babes

3. assemble zines at home to send tmrw

4.  get rid of a ton of the paper scraps and ephemera I’ve been hauling around the country for ten yrs. collage and material belongings are stressful rn so best be rid of em. clear desk and files. make sewing stuff accessible.

5. prep batch of mail - for C in Fresno, R’s forgotten birthday card, MK’s thank you, grandparents, C + M, early bday to T??? and J in NC and E.

It’s funny though bc the new rat just hung with me for over an hr while I wait on hold with unemployment and I have little pulled-apart raspberries and carrot slices on an old open journal and my coffeetable is littered with envelopes and a banker’s lamp and nail polish pain meds allergy meds earache oil chapstick toothpaste lighter mouthguard and also an open bottle of charles shaw right next to a mcdonald’s cup i’ve been using for days to drink water out of bc the straw really helps, and super floral-smelling black tea i just made myself and I looked at this mess and thought to myself “is this happiness? i think maybe i’m really happy.” 

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[mistymark]

the boyfriend one. [donghyuck]

part of the NCT boyfriend series // lee donghyuck // 1.0k

the sUN

a baby boi™

adores you so much like he’s always grinning whenever you're with him

you have the same sense of humour

sUper teasing

like roasting each other 24/7

*sarcasticaly* “nice job, babe” “nice face, ass!”

will tease you all the time but also knows his boundaries and when to stop

your knight in shining armour when the other boys try and roast you, bc only he can do that

can literally pick you out of a crowd in 0.4 seconds

LOVES making out w you

like 3746892398/10 favourite activity

SLUT FOR HUGS

especially loves front hugs where he can hold you tight against his body

always the last to let go

hes a thrower when it comes to hugs like

he’ll walk in the door and throw his bag to the side, toss his drink away, throw himself towards you in a miniature tackle

he really just wants to be in your arms and for you to be in his

swings his arm while you're holding hands whenever y’all walk anywhere bc he’s honestly just really happy

when he's had a shit day or is doubting himself, ur the only one he wants to talk to about it

feels absolutely and completely comfortable with you

likes to lie across the couch with his head in your lap, with u running your fingers through his hair

half the time he falls asleep

bites his lip when he wants to talk about anything to do with your relationship

he acts like you never kiss him

like

in a pouty, complaining way that makes it seem like ur not Providing

even tho y'all kiss all the time like what

DoDGEs yOuR kISsEs LiKe a LiL sHiT

until u get kinda annoyed and huffy

then he's all smiley bc he can tell you really want to kiss him

the only time he tells you he loves you is when he's mumbling it

probably against your lips

otherwise its very rare that he'd outright tell you

pretends to forget your birthday but in reality its engrained in his memory and is probably more excited for your birthday than you are

probably knows your parents’/siblings’/pets’ birthdays too

ur the most beautiful being on the planet according to him

the type to be like :o when you look really great

stunned

but also

he’ll want to tell you that you look beautiful but he’ll end up saying you look,,,, alright I guess

but you know what he means

his phone backgrounds are candid pics of you taken by the other members

lowkey blushes when u kiss his cheek

calls you ugly a lot even tho he's obviously lying

sleeps over at your place a lot bc he actually prefers it there

he really just likes sleeping w you tho

dances with you like a dork at any time of the day

in the kitchen at 2am when ur waiting for the microwave popcorn to finish for ur movie

hes waving his arms around and singing his heart out

speaking of singing

y’all would sing a lot together

not exactly singing

more like,,,,

screaming

doesnt care if he wakes up all the neighbours he LOVES this song and he's gonna scream it at the top of his lungs

“LEE DONGHYUCK MY NEIGHBOURS WILL HATE US” “they already do”

teaches you kpop dances then gets all blushy when u do them really well

highkey avoided eye contact with u when u danced to move by taemin

claims he helps you in the kitchen but all he does is stand next to you and cheer

“babe let me treat you to dinner” “hyuck the last time u said that doyoung took us out and paid” “this time is different!!!!!!” “how -.-” “....taeyongs paying”

you say his full name when he's being outrageous and it always makes him giggle

he just really wants to kiss you

whenever u get huffy or annoyed with him ,, he just kisses ur cheek and ur like ??????? what was I saying

calls you in between schedules to complain about the other members

“babeeeeeee mark threatened to throw me off the roof again :((((((((” “*yawn* mmm thats nice hyuckie” “HEY”

always gives really thoughtful gifts or really ridiculous gifts that make you go -.-

sometimes its both,, like he’ll give u a joke gift before his real one

just to be an annoying little shit a funny guy

“can I come over” “sure, what do u wanna do” “cuddle”

is absolutely Content with doing nothing as a date

most of your date nights are all nighters or movie marathons on the couch of your living room

he really just wants to cuddle :(((((

“hyuck I have to pee :((((” “no” “move pls I gotta go” “then hOLD IT”

falls asleep on FaceTime a lot

but u dont mind because he's really cute you screenshot all his ugly sleeping faces and send them to him in the morning

when ur in different timezones he sends u sweet good morning texts when its nighttime for u bc he thinks its funny

doesnt send sweet good morning texts when ur in the same timezone

recorded a special alarm of him yelling annoying phrases like “JCDJKDFJ GET UP BABE UR GONNA BE LATE AND ITLL BE HILARIOUS FOR EVERYONE” followed by frequent meowing sounds and Darth Vader impersonations

he sent the voice memo to you with the caption “so you can wake up to my voice uwu <3 xxx :)”

you should've known better

you constantly receive messages like “I can see you >:(” followed by “I thought that would be funny to get ur hopes up but now im sad bc I cant actually see u and I miss seeing ur ugly face up close” followed by “CONSOLE ME GODDAMMIT”

but no matter what you know he loves you so much

you always receive messages from the other dreamies that he's “whining about you too much I cant sleep” (jeno) and “he's being too dramatic can u call him or something I wanna play video games but he’s draped across the couch in what he calls a ‘lay of sadness’” (jaemin)

mark: im kicking him out he's coming to live with you

you: tell him I dont want him

ALL IN ALL YOU ROAST EACH OTHER BUT YOU HAVE SUCH A DEEP INVINCIBLE LOVE FOR EACH OTHER AND ITS REALLY CUTE BC UR BOTH SO HAPPY TOGETHER AND IM :’(

love and cherish him pls

[raiswriting]

dancing with your ghost

inspired by this song

warnings: symptoms that are similar to mental health issues like depression but never explicitly stated

genre: pure angst sorry

pairing: lucas/yukhei wong x reader

summary: ummm heartache???? basically the aftermath of a ‘hey let’s pretend to be dating bc i need someone to take to this wedding and you need someone to scare off your ex’ type of story

word count: 1582

a/n: lmao i am reposting this because it absolutely flopped the first time hehehe ALSO i made a playlist to go with this story. the first half or so is the same playlist that is mentioned in the story then the second half is more about the theme of it. i put way too much effort into it but i hope you enjoy it!! 

there was an emptiness that couldn’t be filled

an ache that couldn’t be soothed

a feeling of nostalgia for what never was

honestly you couldn’t be sure if this hole in your chest was a bad thing anymore. you’d grown so used to it that the thought of one day living with out it seemed so fantastical and out of reach. you found a sort of morbid comfort in the sorrow

time has slipped away as routine comfortably took its place. mondays became indistinguishable from wednesday or friday. the only thing separating saturday and sunday from the rest was the lack of work.

your thoughts drifted from the idea of getting up and taking a shower or even just washing your face to the cup of tea that’s been sitting on the coffee table and once more to your phone lying next to it. it lit up with yet another text message to which you would send yet another half-assed response of ‘id love to get together but work has been super busy lately and i need a me weekend.’ you wonder how many more ‘me weekends’ you’d be able to have before someone saw through it.

you just couldn’t have that face to face conversation with any of them. how do you explain that none of it was serious. or that all he needed was someone to take to family get-togethers for when his uncles would ask about his love life. or that you had grown so used to his hand in yours that the emptiness you felt when he wasn’t there scared you. or that you missed him. how could you look someone in the eyes and say that you had not only lost a love but also a best friend. how do you describe that hurt. how do you say that you feel unlovable. how.

you couldn’t say those thoughts aloud because as soon as you did they’d become real. he would really be gone. and happy. and in love. and you would have to admit that you were hurting. you’d have to admit that it was really over.

so instead you lay here on the sofa. and keep it all in. sometimes you can’t help but remember him. and how happy he’d been.

the knock on your door drew your attention from the sheet of cookies ready to go into the oven.

there he stood in the doorway with a smile so bright that it put the stars on the clearest of nights to shame.

‘hey y/n’ he pulled you into a warm embrace. the scent of his cologne was intoxicating. strong and inviting, the prefect reflection of his personality.

‘hey lucas. i wasn’t expecting to stop by today.’

‘yeah i just wanted to share some good news with you. like really good news. like i came here as fast as I could kind of news.’ he spoke so excitedly as he followed you back into the kitchen.

‘well spit it out,’ you reply while placing the sheet of cookies in the oven.

‘i found someone,’ his smile wider than ever.

you almost dropped the sheet of cookies as you took in what he said. you knew this day would come. the day he would find someone to actually love and care for. the day he no longer needed you. but still you hoped and prayed that maybe there was something there. maybe the secret touches shared between just the two of you actually meant something. that maybe he’d choose you.

he didn’t.

‘so get this. i was walking into the coffee shop on seventh street that me and you usually go to. and i bumped into this gorgeous girl and spilled her whole coffee so i offered to buy her a new one.’ he rubbed the back of his neck and looked to the floor. ‘so cheesy and cliché i know. but y/n this girl. we talked and talked and she made everything seem to….right. when I looked into her eyes i just felt…’ he sighed and leaned against the counter.

‘…like everything just seemed to make sense for once.’ you finished the sentence for him as you checked on the cookies.

‘yeah exactly’ he didn’t even try the hide his love struck expression. it was clear as day that he was really falling. ‘when i talked to her it was so easy. almost as if we knew each other for years.’

we did.

you looked him in the eyes for the first time since he broke the news and forced a smile to your face. you couldn’t even fathom the idea of ruining this for him.

‘lucas im ecstatic for you.’

‘really?’

‘of course. if there’s anyone who deserves true love and happiness in life, it’s you.’ and you meant that. it just hurts that he found it in someone else.

‘and hey. at least now you actually have someone to take to all your family functions.’

he chuckled lightly, ‘yeah you’re right. i don’t know if your cheeks could handle another one if aunt maya’s pinches.’

‘the pinches i could handle,’ you say as you forced a laugh out, ‘but I’d have to buy a gym membership if i had another dinner at your parents house.’

‘it’s not my fault mom loves insisting on third helpings’ this time he let out a full real laugh, remembering all the shared glances between the two of you at a dinner table. wondering how you could possibly eat another slice of meatloaf.

‘we can celebrate your new found love with some cookies, if you’d like. they should be done in a minute or two.’

the smile dropped slightly from his face. ‘oh y/n. i’d love to really but i promised angelina that i’d meet her again for coffee. i just stopped by the tell you the good news.’

‘of course, of course. you should get going then. a love like this comes around once in a life time.’ and who am i to stand in the way of someone living their lifetime.

lucas cast a sympathetic look before pushing himself off of the counter and embracing you once more.

‘thank you for everything y/n. seriously. you’ve helped me out so much. if you need anything let me know.’ his cologne was still so strong. and it hurt to know that someone else was going to experience it like this.

‘that’s what best friends are for lucas. you’ll be the first person i call when im sick and throwing up everywhere.’

you could feel him chuckle lightly before placing a kiss on the top of your head.

‘you got it y/n.’

the door shut, leaving you alone.

your hands shook as you took the cookies out of the oven and set the tray in the stove top. they shook as you turned it off. they shook as you took off the oven mits. they shook as you ran them down your face only to find them wet with tears. and they shook as you lowered yourself to the kitchen floor.

your hands were steady now and found their way to that playlist like muscle memory. you had long since deleted all the photos of you and him. but you just couldn’t find the strength to delete this. he had made it for you before the whole fiasco of pretending to be together had ever crossed either of your minds. he said that ‘these song remind me of us.’ and maybe you had gotten your own hopes up. maybe you had searched too deeply between the lines of lyrics. maybe you looked so hard that you had only found what you wanted to. because they were just songs. songs of bad timing and unrequited love. but at the end of the day still. just. songs.

as they played throughout the room. filling the stale silence as your body began to move, lifting you from the couch. your gaze landing on the sweater which rested on the arm of a chair. it was his. he had left it accidentally when spending the night here one time. you had meant to give it back for some time now but haven’t been able to. everytime you had gained the courage to call him and ask him over, he was busy. eventually you stopped calling. and he stopped texting. stopped checking in. so there the sweater sits. still smelling of him.

your body began to move once more reaching out for it and pulling it close to you. maybe if you breathed in enough of his scent, it’d feel like he was here with you again. of course it didn’t but it was as close you could get.

your hips swayed to the rhythm. as your feet worked their way around the living room. stepping over pillows and discarded take out. you danced for the first time in what felt like years. you felt the tears fall but paid them no mind. still clutching the article of clothing impossibly close to you, you sang along with the lyrics.

Yelling at the sky

Screaming at the world

Baby, why’d you go away?

I’m still your girl

Holding on too tight

Head up in the clouds

Heaven only knows

Where you are now

I stay up all night

Tell myself I’m alright

Baby, you’re just harder to see than most

I put the record on

Wait ‘til I hear our song

Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

a/n: there it is. i was listening to this song today and got super inspired and just had to write. there’s also a reference to a hobo johnson song if you can find it ;) thanks for reading. let me know if you’d like a prequel to this when reader and lucas were together. i hope you enjoyed and pls feel free to leave constructive criticism. thanks, rai :)

[bokunohero-writings]

may i request a matchup :0 i dont mind any gender!! im 5'6, blonde, grey eyes, and im described as slim thick,, initially i come off as quiet and shy but im actually pretty loud and exuberant!! im not super confident but my friends say i radiate confidence and make everyone around me feel good!! im really loving and go out of my way to make sure my friends are safe :) but im also impulsive and maybe a but aggressive,, im into fashion, art, writing, and photography! im a gryffindor and an infj :)

Hello!! Of course you can have a matchup, and I really hope you like it!!

You’d be great with: Kirishima Ejiro 

Kirishima was walking on the UA campus when he saw Midoriya talking to you just outside 1A’s building, his curious nature kicking in immediately he decided to walk over and introduce himself to Izuku’s friend. He wrapped an arm over Deku listening to him so as to not interrupt, smiling already at you as you eyed him curiously. As soon as his friend finished talking he smiled wide. “Hey Mirdoriya! Funny to see you out here!” The green-haired boy smiled and Ejirou immediately turned to you, beaming. 

“I don’t think I’ve seen you around! I’m Kirishima nice to meet you!”

You waved at the red-headed boy, a closed-lip smile adorned your face as you silently greeted him, rubbing the back of your neck in a slightly bashful way. Kirishima could not help but notice the beautiful color of your eyes, and mistaking your silence as shyness he decided to invite you over to the common room of the dorms, with the hopes of making you feel more comfortable. Gladly you accepted the offer, and the three of you entered the building.

-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“Hey! stop moving will you Kirishima?” You chuckled as you held up a notebook, scolding him as he seemed to have a little too much energy as to stay still. Ejirou was helping you with drawing practice, now you were trying to draw some action poses, but even if it was accidentally Kirishima kept on shufling around. 

“Sorry Y/N!” He blushed slightly before holding the pose once more. 

After meeting you the two of you had hit it off immediately, talking till late while sitting on the comfortable dorm couches. Izuku had to leave the two of you as he had promised All Might to meet him in the afternoon, however neither of you had a problem with it. Now, months later, it was now usual to see you hanging around him as the both of you had grown pretty attached to each other. 

Kirishima stared at you as you were fixed on your work, your eyes barely squinted at the effort of getting the proportions correctly. He couldn’t help but blush, your outgoing and inspiring personality had made him fall for you and now he did not know what he should do about it, so he pinned after you, even if it was not as subtle as he imagined. 

You looked up and caught him staring, making you blush as both of you pretended not to have noticed. You turned your notebook around to show him your work and as he saw what you had done he beamed, walking closer to you to get a better look. Maybe a little too close. 

Your eyes fixed on his face as he scanned your work, you’d be lying if you said you did not like him at least a bit. And maybe it was the fact that you had known each other for a while now, or just how proud he seemed of everything you did, maybe it was just plain impulsiveness, but you decided to place a soft kiss on his cheek, a little too close to his mouth, right then and there. 

A blush that could have matched his hair creeped up to his cheeks and he turned to you. He had promised to act bravely and there was nothing as brave as following your heart, that is probably why he decided to let his words escape him. 

“Maybe, would you like to go out for dinner? Like on a date?” He beamed, his heartbeat audible as he rubbed his head. 

“Sounds perfect” 

__________________________________

Headcanons:

This boy would love you, he finds your personality extremely attractive and the fact that you care so deeply for your friends makes him melt 

Would protect you to death 

He is such a good counter to your slight impulsiveness and agresivenes so its never overbearing, he just loves that part of you too TBH

He is your number one fan, loves how you dress and he loves it when you help him look good too

Perfect model for pictures, however your goal is to take a good candid of him bc he looks terrible on pictures he is not aware you are taking 

[horanggae]

hi aera! how have u been? ^-^

thank u, i’m resting a lot! i hope you also got some rest this weekend, and sflr but I have been kinda busy with work and celebrating my birthday with my relatives, i missed talking to you!

thank u, i’ll look for the themes<3 and I do not only like this blog but all of your blogs! they are so aesthetically pleasing to visit and you also happen to share really good content! (actually I saw some of your posts and I also reblogged those before hehe, i thought it was a funny coincidence that we saw the same posts)

after saving all the fics you recommend me, i saw pacman and I already read that one! (it was so so good<3), and bluff and nonsense (its kinda painful yet one of my favorites too) for the other ones, i have never read those so i’ll look out for them! thanks for the recommendations, i’ll read them during this week! as usual, you’re the nicest aera!

thanks for answering all my questions! i love reading your replies, i also enjoy stories that makes you feel in love or like crying (is all about feelings!!) i’ll pay extra attention to the hao’s and jun’s recs. oh, we also have that in common! i’m also more of a reader and i love reading long shots too ^-^

in yes! that’s the ttt i’m talking about (i really enjoy seeing them singing in karaoke and preparing dinner, it gives me this warm feeling?) oh, how it is going? are u already finished with 2017 episodes?

aww, the dino comment was so cute and funny, but you’re right! he surely has grown up but for me he’s still a baby<3

time to answer back! i’m more of a reader (i already mentioned it haha) but i used to love writing (i’m not so into it because i’m kinda messy and never finish any drafts) and for my favorite fics (oh my, be prepared to read a looooot, also I hope the links work? I'll be really sad if they don't :(

seungcheol – drinking buddies (i kinda enjoy reading angst, sorry).

joshua – still breathing (another hanaki) / sixteen candles (beyond sad??)

jeonghan – in another life (angsty :()

wonwoo – maybe in another life (kinda really sad? oh my)

jun – stupid cupid (this one is kinda funny i hope u don’t mind bc its a little suggestive? i read it a while ago).

seokmin –  falling flowers (i also like reading hanaki au’s, another big fave).

hao – all for love (another hanaki but this one is quite sad) / coup de foudre (to make up for the last one, this one is chef kiss). / beautiful stranger (so many hao recs? haha).

mingyu – the quiz (i love fluff au’s!) / lie again (angst again).

vernon – the soulmate service (cheff kiss, i love soulmates stories).

dino – the secret language of flowers (this one is beyond cute and a real favorite, i love flowers).

that’s it! i realized i have never read any scenario regarding woozi and seungkwan? and for hoshi, i just know bluff and nonsense :( or involves smut / suggestive (if u are still down for it, let me know hehe)

I decide based on the length and summary! member also takes a big part when it comes to reading but i prefer a good summary and length (+5k) over any member.

I’m glad you don’t feel too overwhelmed and thank u for your time and dedication! aera, you’re really nice<3

stay healthy and keep being nice because you make other people really happy ^^

– f 🐯❤️.

hello f 🐯❤️!!!

I'm good, I just did my test today and I got a p good score so I'm off to a good start for the semester! IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?? I'm definitely late but HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY F🐯❤️!!!!!!! (✯ᴗ✯) How did the celebration go!! Did you get cake and what did you have for the dinner woooo!!!

Dw, take your time to ahskdkd I ask a lot when I'm excited + you're always so responsive to my ramblings ( ꈍᴗꈍ) if you want, I can link you the themes I'm using for all 6 linked blogs! I've too many things I like so I resorted to creating multiple blogs to handle all my interests and I just like organizing my things but uhhh as you can see from my main, it's super messy with no specific theme ahsjskdkfk (´ . .̫ . `) NO NOW THAT YOU SAY THAT IM CURIOUS IF I CAN FIND OUT WHO YOU'RE BEFORE THE CARATANON REVEAL (✷‿✷)

TTT feels so intimate huhu, especially when they were just downing alcohol shots and actually unwinding without a thought; I feel so WARM. I'm actually half way through I think!

ahh you were a writer too! Was it writer's block interfering with you creating new stories? I would wanna read the works you publish, the more the better! Will you ever write again though? You seem to know your way with words, expressing and translating emotions into them!

I love pacman sm.... It's so jeonghan </3 My first hoshi fic was bluff & nonsense and I really like it a lot ㅠ ㅠ it was so angsty and fluff at the same time. I hope you like them! I usually read them at night before I sleep so all I get are good vibes and warmness ( ´◡‿◡`)

I'm gonna check them out in the next couple of nights and tell you which is/are my favorite(s)! But cheol, wonwoo, seokmin & dino's titles sounds really nice and interesting; those might be the few I'll read first!! Jun's sounds fluffy and comedic too (◔‿◔)

aww you keep giving me compliments!! All I ever did was ramble on and on about things and you kept reciprocating it so happily... ㅠ ㅠ Thank you for your kind words; it made me happy & comforted!! 🥰🥰 what did you do so far during your summer break aside from the celebrations!! I hope the questions aren't too messy for you since it's not in bulleted form anymore! See you in the next ask my fave carat f🐯❤️!!

[one-more-for-the-sky]

[01/08/2018-Mon]

it's day 7, i skipped meds over the weekend due to erratic sleep schedule. i didn't want to take medicine meant to keep me awake at 4PM or 12PM, when i have work on monday. mom if you read this, this is 100% the reason for the delay. i cannot have another sleepless week like last week. it was terrible. my mood wasn't bad, but i wasn't productive at all. i still felt the effects of the medicine even through the weekend. i'm noticing the my appetite is decreased even without the suppressant (or it could be i just didn't fee like eating Hispanic food (two senorita's is good just not in the mood), i didn't eat the whole chicken chimichonga i ordered, but i did finish it later (and my sister's chicken quesadia) later after the star wars movie. i noticed that was also very withdrawn during the meal. i don't know why. i'm going through a lot more withdrawn-ness (or dissociation), but this time its that my brain is supplying no thoughts or random activity that i've known it to have. i'm actually struggling with it right now, but as i don't need to talk to someone it's easier to go through. it's weird. i do this without the drugs but now there's no distracting activity and its just numb feeling. kind of like my brain is high but my body is not, so i don't get any fun out of it. haha it can make me really dizzy and emotional in an a way i can't express. the effects of the medicine weren't felt on sunday though. I was a little moody, i could tell towards the beginning, where i just wanted to relax and play video games. didn't want to be asked to do shit and wasn't really feeling motivated to do anything. mom needed us to clean/made dinner, so that was done. not the happiest of all campers about it, and in hindsight that's silly of me. always feel that way after being moody abt being asked to clean. i suppose it comes from the fact that i never leave my room to make a mess of the house (i forgot how to use the tv remote bc i dont watch tv...) i wish i was more helpful like sabrina. i dont know how she stays motivated to clean. wish she would channel that into her school work. i bet she wishes the same thing. savannah's moody as ever, though she was peppier with the promise of the movie she wanted to see with mom, though it started to get too late for them to see it. next weekend, i will try to make sure that there is time. maybe mom and her can go see it together just her and her, special. or something. either way.

i really regret waking up at 4pm on saturday though, but i seriously needed the sleep. i stayed up til 4 or 5am to let everything run its course and play video games, and slept til 3 or 4pm. we went out as a family though and saw star wars, which was wonderful. I know there's a lot of discourse out there about how poe was acting and treated, and i have to say, i didn't really like how that purple haired lady treated poe, but that's the only thing i think i didn't like. that and the slapping. (though he did look used to it), purple haired lady was cool otherwise, she could handle a gun in a dress and you hardly see that of an older, well dressed lady in movies. and her sacrafice was the coolest thing i've seen in media in a lot fucking while. i can't even describe how perfect it was. she is beyond hero and legend. and the horse-dogs were really cool. i loved them really. the crystal dogs, (which i think are made of salt too? it's hard to say), were cute. I really hope the asian character lives, it would be more than a shame if she doesn't. i don't think it was actual pandering, but the plot where a woman tries to save a man from himself is overdone and i felt it was pretty boring in this movie with ben/kylo and rey. but i don't think it could've really happened any other way. it's just old and tiresome. though their fighting was cool. i feel like there should be more to that haker though. it's a shame about him, he turned out to be just another tool. i'm excited about that stable boy though. i saw how he used the force for that broom. he could be a jedi. i hope rey becomes the new teacher.

anyway, back on my medicine. coaxed mom into letting me letting me stay "meeting with mom", and took my meds, and im a little jittery, not going to lie.

WHICH REMINDS ME, sad stuff time, so TMI/NSFW, i masturbate a lot, especially before bed. i dont know, i just have high libido for an ace-spec person, i guess. but i do that before bed to get my energy down and clear my thoughts before bed (super helpful most times), and guess what?! i've noticed that i'm less "horny"! or at least, it doesn't feel as good to rub one out! i googled it and it is a side effect to some antidepressants. i'm not sure about the other meds, but i hope its not a lasting effect. i like masturbating. it feels good. i really really would be upset to lose one of the good things i enjoy when i'm off meds. seriously. im surprisingly put out about this.

[ot5]

hey bub it's your secret santa!!! i totally forgot to send you messages I'm so sorry :( uni has been super stressful and hectic and I had so much stuff to do that it just slipped my mind, I'm sorry I suck :( all my group projects and the ppl in those suddenly wanted to get the project off their chest and ughhhh I was so annoyed most of the time bc north worked out and oof it was just very exhausting :/ i hope you've been alright tho bub 💛 christmas is nearly there and that's so exciting!!!

im feeling bad for neglecting you for so long so I’m sending you a couple messages! today I’ve been on a lil trip with my uni and it was rough, like a rough topic to deal with so shortly before christmas and it left everyone feeling really drained and stuff, i wish I could go more into detail but I would blow my cover. anyways im at home reflecting everything and i just wanna send you good vibes!!! - secret santa 

now more christmas related asks! have you gotten all your presents yet? I’ve been stressing so badly bc of the presents and I still haven’t got them all sjdgsjdh ugh I hate the whole getting presents but I love making them and making people happy, it’s sjgddj anyways if you haven’t finished your present shopping / making yet, good luck with that!!! 💛💛💛 - secret santa 

hiii!!💗💖 im so glad ur back i was getting worried u might’ve lost me bc of me changing urls or that tumblr didnt let your asks get thru bc it has eaten lit rally half of the ones i sent to my secret santa person:/ i also didnt get a notif for these like?:/// so im sorry for the late reply! but please dont worry about it! uni can be a bitch sometimes and im so sorry to hear you’ve been having such a stressful time:( fuck ur uni for making y'all deal with whatever it was that left everyone drained i’ll have a word with whomever is in charge😤 i hope you got most if not all stressful things out of the way now? did you manage to get all your presents?? im lowkey glad we dont do that for christmas and neither do we host any of the dinners its super chill skdfnsdkj next year u should just join me instead. im sending you all the good vibes back i really hope you get to finally just sit an relax a bit it sounds long overdue! happy christmas eve day💛✨🎄🎄

[cauldronoflove]

Ok so this is really obscure, but I've had this idea for a while now, and I'd love to see you work with it? Headcanons for a time travel AU in which Peter Parker is messing with Stark Tech and gets sent back to the 1940s? He could work with Peggy Carter in the SSR to solve the case and pretend to be her little brother. Plus in 2017 Tony and Steve working together to get him back. If you think it's weird or want to skip it no worries! If not, then thank you so much, I love your headcanons!!

i love this concept so much you dont even know?? but also okay i realized abt halfway through these 2.5k+ words that this wasnt exactly what you asked for and i feel kinda bad about that but i hope you still like it all the same!! also i wanna say thank you for thinking of me for this prompt im super flattered????

- peter wasnt technically supposed to be in the 4th basement of stark tower

- technically he was on his lunch break and was supposed to be using said time to both eat and work on his spanish homework

- but he'd heard these whispers from a couple of the older interns about some of the old stuff that mr. stark had thrown down there because he never had time to finish them and peter had an idea

- see, he's been wanting to move up a bit, have mr. stark trust him a little more, and what's better then maybe taking one of his old designs and making it better and making it work

- so thats why he's in the fourth basement of stark tower, trying to remember if he's had his tetanus shot because some of this stuff is seriously Old

- and then he stumbles onto this little pyramid shaped....doohickey

- its the only thing in 4 floors of Things that doesnt have a label or a file or a crude drawing taped to the front of it so now peter is Officially Curious

- he kinda fiddles with it for a few minutes until his phone beeps with his 'hey pete youre gonna be super late getting back to work again' alarm and he about drops this thing on the floor because like everyday the alarm scares him to death

- but because hes clumsy and because hes pete he actually does drop it and everything goes black

- but everything's fine because he wakes right back up and he's pretty sure that he electrocuted himself but thats happened dozens of times so he picks himself up and brushes himself off and realizes that he may have been out longer than he thought because theres fewer boxes in the room than before and geez his head hurts

- "are you quite alright?"

- oh god he mustve hit his head harder than he thought because that looks like

- "m-miss carter, no sorry, ma'am? oh, oh god i'm so sorry that was so rude, agent? agent ma'am?"

- "this is howard's fault isnt it"

- "howard? as in....oh god oh god"

- "do you know where you are?"

- peter parker loved a lot of things and one of those things was museums and one of those museums in particular had an exhibit on a certain mr. rogers and adjacent to that exhibit was a small plaque about the woman standing in front of him and oh god he was going to hyperventilate and throw up in front of a literal legend and hero at the same time

- "remind me to kill him later. right now lets get you something warm to drink, yes? maybe some new clothes, youre looking a little singed"

- flash forward half an hour and he's sitting in front of the agent carter sipping at some terribly bitter coffee while she pursed and unpursed her lips a few times

- (annnnd time skip back to present day)

- friday: mr stark theres a woman downstairs beating on the door asking for youtony, 47 names going through his head: ...go on

- enter may parker, in her pjs, fire in her eyes, carrying on the legacy of brunette women ready to end a stark's life

- "it is ten o'clock on a school night, i've talked to ned, i've talked to mj and liz, i've talked to every corner sub shop owner, i even had a nice long chat with pepper, yet no one could tell me anything so you better have answers as to where my nephew is anthony"

- and in that moment, tony stark's life flashed before his eyes

- "hey, friday, where is the kid?"

- "peter's vitals havent been detected since 1:32pm on floor D"

- tony: fu-

- (back to pete and peggy)

- so he's quickly caught her up on the gist of whats going on (aka he told her he's from 2017 ny and hed really just like to go home) and she's taking it surprisingly well, all nodding and hmm-ing and cursing howard stark under her breath, kinda how may is when tony does like.. anything

- but now shes leading him through their super secret base and he's trying not to stare because, has he mentioned, hes literally standing next to peggy carter

- "right, well, here's your cot. if you need anything, dugan can help you. he's that one, there, with the cigar. you get some rest and i'll find howard and see if we cant get your...issue squared away. oh, and whatever you do, dont accept anything dernier tries to give you, you've already blown up once today, i dont think you can afford another"

- present day

- tony's been working through the night, a marginally-more-than-slightly disgruntled may beside him, and an even-more-than-marginally-more-than-slightly peeved happy beside her

- ("how do you lose a teenage boy, tony" happy moans to his phone when he wakes up and sees all the missed calls and texts he has)

- good news: it only took like 2 1/2 hours and three shots of espresson for tony to figure out what happened to peter

- bad news: it wasnt even a Tony Stark Exclusive Design, it was a Howard Stark One-Time Use That Was Actually A Malfunction Design, he'd had several more coffees that werent even close to being strong enough, and he had a growing black eye from the punch may landed before happy could pull her away and calm her down (maybe that last part should be in the good news column)

- "so he's just stuck in the 40s alone, then" may surmises, rubbing at the tension headache in her temples

- tony doesnt respond because at this point he needs his other eye for miracle working and depth perception

- "well, probably not alone," happy begins. "i catalogued everything in that level, and that stuff came from one of howard's london facilities, so it was probably calibrated for that time, so he's probably with-"

- tony: "hap, please dont finish that sentence"

- may: "1940s london. so he's with steve, then, safe. with captain america. okay, i can handle that."

- tony: "no, ah, a little later than capsicle, probably"

- may: "so not safe with captain america"

- happy: "safe with agent carter, more likely"

- pete and peggy

- good news: pete made it through the night without being blown up by the howling commandoes

- bad news: once howard was finally located and sobered up, he explained that he hadnt built that particular device yet, so peter was kinda stuck

- peter wasnt coping well

- "i have a spanish test tomorrow! and a trig test on friday! and i'm supposed to hang out with ned on saturday, and then may's gonna kill me when i dont show up for sunday dinner, and shes gonna kill me in general because i never checked in because holy shit i never checked in!"

- howard: peggy he's crying what do i do

- peggy: do i have to do everything myself

- she advances on peter and takes his chin in her hand, locking eyes with him: peter, you know who i am, dont you?

- he nods as best as he can

- "then you must know that i'm going to do everything in my power and then some to get you back home, dont you?"

- "yes ma'am"

- "good. go take a walk while i talk to howard, and if anyone asks, youre my american brother in for a short visit." and then she pats him on the cheek and his soul kinda ascends then and there because agent carter just patted him on the cheek AND gave him permission to tell people he's her brother

- so he goes to take his walk but the thing is when he gets anxious, he likes to fiddle with the loose legos he keeps under his bed, building and rebuilding tiny structures to help ease his nerves

- needless to say, he's an Absolute Nervous Wreck while he waits for some kind of something from peggy or howard and there arent any legos to keep him busy

- so he kind of takes that walk right on down to the lab and starts poking around because even if he is a certified nervous wreck he's also thr most inquisitive little shit that ever did walk the earth

- peggy finds him two hours later with a pair of loose fitting goggles on his forehead, his sweater sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and some . substance on his hands

- "please dont tell me youre somehow howard's long lost son too," she says, taking his appearance in

- he shakes his head as the beakers in front of him emit a puff of green smoke directly into his already scrunched up face "no ma'am; it's just that mr. stark kinda has me on desk duty and never lets me get my hands dirty so i like to take every oppurtunity i can get"

- she nods, "good, because howard needs you to describe what you remember of the device, and then you and i are going to begin the slog through the logistics of it all"

- "ooooookay"

- which is how peter parker ends up sitting across from peggy carter, the both of them scribbling extremely advanced mathematics onto yellowing sheets of paper as howard stark tinkered with some spare parts he had lying around as he tried to construct a crude rendering of the device

- peggy mostly doesnt talk, actually, she hasnt spoken since explaining that shed picked her math skills up on an assignment shed once had where she learned she actually loved numbers and then howard had been letting her do calculations for him in her free time

- peter was too impressed to respond bc from what he gathered she'd only been on that mission for six months and she didnt have much free time which meant she'd had to pick it all up FAST

- anyway, they got at that for hours, until peter cant keep his eyes open and even howard is dwindling; peggy waves them both off to bed but stays and keeps scribbling away

- they repeat that routine for 3 days

- on the 5th night, after she waves them off, peter goes to his cot and he tosses and turns for hours, listening to the commandoes play poker and crack jokes, but he cant sleep

- finally he gets up and just starts walking, anywhere his feet take him

- coincidentally, his feet take him past what he quickly realizes is peggy's room

- "peter why are you still up? is everything all right?" she asks, pulling off these big hulking glasses that made him incredibly homesick because she reminds him so much of may in that moment, big glasses on, hunched over a book in her lap, hair pulled back out of her face

- and he apologizes, but she Knows something's terribly wrong, so she gets up and ushers him away from her doorway, and leads him down a hall or two and then theyre standing in an open space, and she's looking at him like shes trying to solve one of her equations

- "do you know how to throw a punch, peter"

- " whatever youre thinking i dont think its a good idea we dont have any gear and i dont want to get hurt-"

- she shakes her head and asks again, and he finally answers with a kinda

- "'kinda' will get you hurt; watch me" and she begins to demonstrate a few slow punches and he follows her movements and tries to copy them but hes a little sloppy but its ok because she corrects him and finally theyre just standing beside one another counting out punches when she asks "whats on your mind"

- and he doesnt even hesitate he just lets loose everything, how much he misses may and how terrible he feels that he cant get in touch with her, how much he misses ned and mj and liz, how much he misses his fire escape and the deli on the corner and the buildings and then he's crying again, but she gracefully doesnt point it out

- once he's done spitting out everything thats bothering him she gets this kind of sad smile and says, "you remind me of a man i knew. he cared so much about his friends, sometimes to the point of not even worrying about himself, whuch meant he was always in some sort of trouble, as you can imagine. but he always found his way out of a problem, even if he was the one who created it." she laughs slightly then. "i guess what i'm getting at is even if i cant get you back home, even if howard cant, i believe that youll figure it out."

- "are you comparing me to captain anerica right now because i'm already crying and i dont think i can take much more" he says through sniffles, his arms slack by his sides now

- she smiles and nods, keeping her stance, and peter feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this amazing woman who immediately helped him without much of a pause and who's made sure he was okay for the past 5 days and who's up at god knows what time showing him how to throw a punch and being his borderline therapist and he just wants to give her something in return

- "im not sure if im supposed to do this, because for all i know it could tear a hole in the fabric of time and space but i really want to show you this," he begins, pulling his wallet put of his pocket.

- he flicks the little photo holders out and theres may, and theres ned and mj and liz, and theres that cat he found that one time, and theres him and tony, and there, at the bottom, is the time he officially met steve after the whole fight thing and all

- "this was taken a couple months ago; well, a couple months for me, it's decades from now, but here," and he holds out his wallet for her to see and she looks over the photo curiously before she understands and a tear slips down her cheek and she smiles the most grand smile

- "thank you, peter" and she passes the wallet back and puts her hand on his shoulder and says "i promise i'll have you home in time for sunday dinner"

- and she does

[janebennetts]

things have changed for me

This is nowhere near as good as the perfection from @jiilys and @alrightpotter but this was still super fun to write.

AO3

James Potter to but does Buzzfeed know which friends character it is in five random questions: approximately how many jelly beans are too many

James Potter: because I bought all of the bags in the store

Sirius Black: enough to fill a car?

James Potter: I think it’ll be enough to fill Claire

Sirius Black: “riding claire” wasn’t even funny the first time prongs

Remus Lupin: wouldn’t it be “riding in claire”??

Sirius Black: #exposed

James Potter: #blocked

Peter Pettigrew to i’m lizzie bennet and sirius black is way hotter than darcy: I don’t think this is going to work

Peter Pettigrew: and even if it does, will people even watch it?

Sirius Black: people watched it on the middle

Remus Lupin: you’re the only person on earth who watches the middle

James Potter: does anyone even watch our regular videos

Peter Pettigrew: true

James Potter to Lily Evans: you coming to help film?

Lily Evans: nope

James Potter: :(

Lily Evans: pathetic

Lily Evans: of course I’m coming to help

Lily Evans: I wanna get my hands on some peach jelly beans

James Potter: they’re gonna be stuck to the other jelly beans

James Potter: (if this works)

Lily Evans: peach jelly beans with obstacles

Sirius Black to but isn’t james potter more of a state of mind: prongs way

Peter Pettigrew: ???

Sirius Black: where are you

Sirius Black: duh

Remus Lupin: remember when you texted like a human being

Sirius Black: nope

Remus Lupin: me neither

Sirius Black to WAY PRONGS: srsly jim way

Remus Lupin: we’re standing here around a car looking like idiots

Sirius Black: u always look like an idiot

Peter Pettigrew: guys we’re right next to each other

Peter Pettigrew: you can just say ur dumb insults to each other’s faces

James Potter: sry m8s I picked Lily up and she wanted to stop for lunch

Sirius Black: oooooooh

Sirius Black: ooooOOOOOHHHH

James Potter: not like that

James Potter: we just had tacos

Peter Pettigrew: oooOOOOOH

Peter Pettigrew: dang it

Peter Pettigrew: im too late

James Potter: better luck making fun of me next time pete

Lily Evans to James Potter: I can’t believe those jelly beans actually melted and stuck to the car

James Potter: I can’t believe you ripped a chunk off and started eating it

James Potter: thanks for filming, by the way

Lily Evans: just call me Freddie Benson💋

James Potter to Sirius Black: she sent me a kiss emoji

James Potter: what do u think that means

Sirius Black: maybe she meant to hit another emoji

Sirius Black: like the nose bc u stink

Sirius Black: idk ask Remus

James Potter added Remus Lupin to the chat

Remus Lupin: christ

Remus Lupin: its like three am

Remus Lupin: i need my beauty sleep

Sirius Black: its not working

Peter Pettigrew to not like that, we just had tacos: WE’RE ON BUZZFEED

James Potter: ??!!!

Peter Pettigrew sent a link to These Crazy Hilarious YouTubers Filled A Car with Jelly Beans to See If They Would Melt

Sirius Black: they called us “crazy hilarious”

Remus Lupin: a woman in the comments said “they get paid to do this?” though so I wouldn’t say we’re famous yet

Peter Pettigrew: if we got paid to do this I wouldn’t have to work at starbucks

James Potter to i’m sorry for being right, sirius: i’m adding Lily to the chat  

Sirius Black: this is moving fast

Sirius Black named the chat JAMES POTTER WETS THE BED

James Potter named the chat WELCOME EVANS

Remus Lupin named the chat stop

Remus Lupin: come up with some better jokes padfoot

James Potter named the chat Group Chat

James Potter added Lily Evans to the chat

Lily Evans: wait

Lily Evans: why is ur chat name “group chat”

Lily Evans: who does that???

Lily Evans named the chat Freaks and Geeks

Sirius Black: i like her already

Lily Evans to James Potter: uggggghhhh

Lily Evans: talk to me

James Potter: bout what?

Lily Evans: anything other than vernon dursley

James Potter: whales have no sweat glands

Lily Evans: fascinating

Lily Evans: gotta go eat with the fam

Lily Evans: i’ll take a swig of wine every time vernon says “actually”

James Potter: you’ll die in five minutes

Lily Evans: make sure they bury me in prada

Lily Evans to James Potter: i habve a new pshilosophy

Lily Evans: ill flip a coin dfor every desicion so i don’t enmd up high strung like petunia  f

James Potter to Lily Evans: where are you

Lily Evans: crowns pub

James Potter: i’m coming to get you

Remus Lupin to Sirius Black: why was lily sleeping on our couch

Sirius Black: so thats what the unearthly screaming was

Sirius Black: did u sit on her or something

Remus Lupin: no

Remus Lupin: (yes)

Remus Lupin: i hadn’t had coffee yet

Remus Lupin: it was dark

Sirius Black: uv still gotten more action than James

Lily Evans to James Potter: thank u for picking me up

James Potter: don’t mention it

James Potter: i would have taken the couch, u know

Lily Evans: i know

Lily Evans to APRIL THE GIRAFFE HAS GIVEN BIRTH: guess who I just met

Sirius Black: no

Remus Lupin: i can literally hear u laughing from ur room padfoot

Remus Lupin: that was not remotely funny

Sirius Black: i’m being joyful

Sirius Black: u already look twenty years older than u are

Sirius Black: u wouldn’t if you laughed a little

James Potter: can we stay on topic pls

James Potter: who did you meet?

Lily Evans: so I flipped a coin to decide whether to get a burger or go out to lunch with Petunia

James Potter: that is an easy decision??? u didn’t need to flip a coin

Lily Evans: but it worked out

Lily Evans: I went to lunch with Petunia

Lily Evans: (it was so fancy)

Lily Evans: and I met some YouTube exec who said they needed some “good, cleancut kids” to make videos and work with them and stuff

Sirius Black: and you didn’t lead with this?!

James Potter: excellent job lil!

Remus Lupin to Sirius Black: so he’s already calling her “lil”

Sirius Black: better than “lily evans, love of my life and future wife”

Remus Lupin: so what’s with the whole coin thing?

Sirius Black: jim said she went out to dinner with petunia and vernon, got smashed, and vowed to flip a coin for all her decisions

Sirius Black: and now she’s sober and is too stubborn to change her mind

Remus Lupin: already calling him “jim”, huh?

Sirius Black: ours is a forbidden love

Peter Pettigrew to WE HAVE NO IDEAS: so what are we going to do for our pitch

James Potter: look at the name of the chat

Peter Pettigrew: but we have to come up with something

Remus Lupin: he’s right

Sirius Black: how about “girl decides to flip a coin for every decision”

Lily Evans: exploitation

Lily Evans: i like it

James Potter to Lily Evans: so come over around seven so we can start filming

Lily Evans: I flipped a coin and it says eight

James Potter: flip that coin and see if you’d like to come to dinner with me

James Potter: (but like, only if you want to)

James Potter to Remus Lupin: REMUS WHAT HAVE I DONE

James Potter sent Remus Lupin a picture

James Potter: she’s going to think im some “nice guy” who thinks he deserves sex just bc they’re friends

Remus Lupin: james, chill

Remus Lupin: tbh that might be better than her first impression of you

Lily Evans to James Potter: I don’t need a coin for that decision ;)

Lily Evans: pick me up in twenty?

James Potter: sounds like a plan

James Potter to Remus Lupin: YES

James Potter to Sirius Black: YES

James Potter to Peter Pettigrew: YES

Remus Lupin to I’m not a regular buzzkill, I’m a cool buzzkill: hey, we’re ready to go

Remus Lupin: Sirius has literally poured a pot of coffee into his mouth

Sirius Black: its true, i did

Lily Evans: we’re on our way

Sirius Black to Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin: “we’re on our way”

Peter Pettigrew: WE’RE

Remus Lupin: can we be mature about this

Remus Lupin: lol just kidding james must be freaking out

Sirius Black: wonder if they’re gonna tell us?

Peter Pettigrew: idk be cool

James Potter to are you driving a snail? it’s been twenty minutes: we’re pulling in

Lily Evans: we brought bagels!

Sirius Black to WITHOUT JAMES: she is wearing HiS SoCKs

Remus Lupin: they can’t possibly think we don’t know

Peter Pettigrew: omg

Remus Lupin: we should probably act surprised when they tell us

Sirius Black: what is right

Sirius Black: what is wrong

Sirius Black: i don’t know anymore

Remus Lupin: chill

Remus Lupin: I can see sweat dripping down your face

Peter Pettigrew: don’t u think they see us texting under the table

Lily Evans changed the chat name to why are we texting

Lily Evans: are you guys taking a vow of silence

Lily Evans: james already filmed a bit of me flipping the coin to decide my outfit and what to get for breakfast

Lily Evans: maybe my next decision should be deciding whether we should have an actual conversation

Peter Pettigrew: their on to us

Peter Pettigrew: oops I didn’t send that to anyone

Peter Pettigrew: haha

Lily Evan to remus we’re out of biscuits: alright, I finished editing our video!

James Potter: you angel

James Potter: too good for me

Lily Evans: I know

Lily Evans: I’ll get it ready to present to the YouTube exec too

Remus Lupin: thanks Lily

Remus Lupin to WE HAVE BEEN OUT OF BISCUITS FOR THREE DAYS: we need to talk about our pitch

Remus Lupin: more specifically, what we’re wearing

Remus Lupin: bc sirius, you did not need to order me seventeen boxes of clothes

Remus Lupin: james, you did not need to send me twenty pairs of shoes and fifteen watches

James Potter: we’re like robin hood

James Potter: except without the stealing

Lily Evans to James Potter: the pitch is at four, could you swing by my house about two hours before

Lily Evans: its more fun getting ready when there’s someone with you

Lily Evans: and then we’ll drive there together

James Potter: I’m starting to think you don’t know how to drive

Lily Evans: I do

Lily Evans: I just prefer going with you

Peter Pettigrew to never gonna give you up: that went well?

Remus Lupin: surprisingly

James Potter: I think we got the job?

Peter Pettigrew: MONEYYYYYYYYYY

Sirius Black: greed is a sin pete

Remus Lupin: says the man who actually tried to create a swimming pool of money

Lily Evans: drinks on me!

Sirius Black to are u sure u still want to pay, lily?: u guys have been on like two dates

Sirius Black: u don’t have to act married

James Potter: it’s called being in love

James Potter: u should try it sometime

Lily Evans: you’re in love with me?

James Potter: oh no

James Potter: shit

James Potter: I did NOT mean that

Lily Evans: you didn’t?

Lily Evans: that’s a shame, because I’m pretty in love with you

Sirius Black: gross