#because calling people whether video call or phone call makes me feel so freaking anxious

[mallbangs]

in 2017, i tried to start this project where anyone could call a number and leave a voicemail of literally anything; sounds, memories, whatever they wanted that was tied to a music project called enoshima that had gone dormant until “recently”. i put “recently” in quotes bc i guess we will just have to wait and see (if ur like me with trying to find new music, if u do enough digging on the internet i’m sure you’ll find some stuff) the goal was to use a landline phone with cassette answering machine so i could keep hard copies for a future use of an idea. after buying three used landline phones and phone calls not triggering the answering machines but luckily would still get email copies of the few voicemail audio files i did…in short, the idea failed miserably due to lack of reach, personal reasons, and money because its not free to have a phone number lol and the enoshima project just went dormant with its own reasons as well…

in 2019, i started to brainstorm a more intentional concept that would connect the caller/listener with the music i had started to write (the current project, mallbangs, that i feel lucky enough and honored to work with the people i do now and have had worked with previously, when it always feels so embarrassing for me to release any of it) and the kind of experience i am trying to thread together now, community and a space in the art, music from inside and outside the digital space. i guess attempting to ground the way that i and i think a lot of ppl consume art these days; strictly through their phones.. it’s why i use my music in the voicemail videos and posts with the hope that ppl make the connection that it’s tied together..well.. it sorta started to gain very little traction but better than it had ever previously.

i think the fact that it began to reach ppl was in part due to 2020 and everything that started unfolding that year; pandemic, quarantine, school years and graduations/normal experiences just evaporated, here in the united states the murders of george floyd and rayshard brooks and the summer uprising of 2020.. i could obviously go on… come january 4th 2022, after a year or so of randomly posting about it because i started to think it wasn’t something ppl were really interested in, it went viral. i spent literally 24 hrs, multiple days, no sleep, emptying the voicemail box every 10 - 20 minutes because that many ppl were calling. i got so anxious, and this feeling of guilt because i wanted everyone who was calling to have the ability to leave one. i didn’t want to let anyone down those first weeks. it’s not as intense as it was then but im still emptying the voicemail box multiple times a day. i’m ngl i freaked out. it was completely overwhelming.

through out last year the project, my personal, and music accounts nearly got banned about 20 times or so because i was unaware that i was doing something that wasn’t allowed on a certain platform. somehow, all of the accounts survived, and it’s up to over 80k voicemails. i even started accepting DMs to post just in case speaking was too much for someone and that’s at a few thousand now. started a p.o. box as well and that’s been very little. allowing the project to evolve into web of different formats naturally as it feels that it wants to. i’m not sure if someone’s written words are any easier to absorb than hearing some ppls pain audibly. both written and audio recorded msgs have made me breakdown more than i can count on what seems inevitable but still for unknown reasons to myself, unexpected.

the new song gutter was inherently inspired and written about all of those emotions i had and have been feeling from the voicemails and what not as well as my own personal shit whether i was consciously aware of it at the time or not. some of the time im oblivious when writing. more often than not it just happens melodies and lyrics fall out like word vomit. stream of consciousness or serendipitous i guess. it became evident it was inspired by all of the aforementioned when i started trying to piece together random lyrics it already had ruminating and while demoing it out. the song had started to, in a way, show me what i was trying to convey. which is why you hear the guttural stutter in the beginning and end. its the dying sound of the radio in my car i no longer have for transportation and hundreds of voicemails collaged together in the demo. When i went to actually record the song, i insisted on keeping that collaged stutter of voicemail’s and noise bc it would have lost what i felt made it even more personal for me. idk if this is fucking pretentious or stupid to say, but that incessant stutter is like symbolic for getting drowned out when u need to be heard.. isolation.. denial.. i guess, if the lyrics are even that revealing. i always try to make lyrics not so surface level but yea i think this one is maybe more surface level than others and yea i just think the stutter sounds cool too.

if you’ve been following the music or the voicemail project for a while, this song could either have been a subliminal experience (of) or maybe surface level at best what its place is in either the VM project or in the music; descending from the official version, a demo version lazily titled “sorry demo”, and the early version which was an acoustic demo. the latter of said three versions had long been the de facto voicemail project song for a while, I guess. 

if its familiar to you because you know me its probably because, as you know, I tend to neurotically play so many song ideas on the guitar into the ground that it’s to the point I don’t realize Im playing them when im around y’all lol 

to everyone else, if this song had been familiar at all to you prior to it being released it is because the acoustic demo version was used around that period of time in 2022 when i was repeatedly getting threatened with being banned.. potentially losing the VM project’s account, the art, and the memories of genuine interactions with strangers that I often tend to think isn’t really real sometimes. Like having felt some of you accepted me for me or what I am emotionally/comfortably able to present to you online..and in that sentiment irl I maybe take for granted interactions with new potential friends or even strangers sometimes as well tbh. 

I realize all of that previous paragraph could be redundant, im sorry :/ But, I have such strong passion for the music and the voicemail thing. So much so that i’ve never monetized any of the voicemail stuff. i’ve never made any “merch/products” to sell or have tried to turn it into a business because these things i create or write mean more to me than the idea of “curating for profit”. never intended for any of the voicemail stuff to be a “marketing strategy” thing. the music hasn’t been recognized as part of this thing, probably due to my lack of making the concept of all of this clear, and probably because of my pride in not wanting any of this to be perceived as such. which i know in this capitalistic hellscape it will be ripped off and done in such a way that someone may be successful from it, its already happening as many have pointed out to me.

out of all this silly voicemail thing and my musical attempt, the most important thing i’ve learned is that everyone just needs someone to speak to even if they don’t talk back. someone just to listen. to be able to get lost in music that takes them somewhere they can feel comfortable like i try to do everyday when listening to music. the voicemails, the DMs, writing music.. it gets very mentally and emotionally overwhelming for me.. listening to them everyday, reading the DMs everyday, struggling to gather the energy in me that never seems to wither to just write.. and if someone offered me a path that is without any of that? i wouldn’t take it. even if it meant making some of these lingering feelings just go away for good.

a few people have told me to end the project because they’re afraid of what it could be doing to me. their concern is valid. i won’t deny that. but i feel as if this thing is larger than myself at this point. and i think the take away for me from all of this is that, im just glad this silly little idea may be helping someone when i myself most times feel like i have nowhere to go or no one to run to. and if i die tomorrow ill be at some what of peace knowing that if i have done anything worth meaning in this short experience of life that we all get to share with one another, its the music and this voicemail project and the community, the safe space ..all of whatever the music and this project has given someone…everything i feel that i never had. i feel eternally honored and grateful that if at all, it has helped someone when i couldnt even help myself.

there’s nothing i could give that’s of equal value to the gratitude i have for anyone that has ever left a msg of some sort and has or continues to support this project and the music. so all i can say is thank you.

with all the love i have,

aidy <3

[sunstainedpages]

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[butteraway]

when time runs out | v

⋆ summary:  A young girl has fallen deeply ill with an unknown disease in her, so with all her free time spent in an empty hospital room, she spends it online playing video games. That's until she meets her cousins friends, one spiking her interest with his extremely vulgare language.

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

word count: 6.3k

warnings: none

authors note: HERE IT IS!! A whopping 6k chapter can you believe this lol :’) I plan on making the chapters this long, so that means it’ll take a little longer for me to write,,, But enjoy this guys!

Y/N was laying on her bed, twirling the bottle of pills that captivated her interest. Sitting up, she slowly opened the cap and took a pill out. She examined it, liking how the yellow and green color meshed together. The pills didn't look like anything special, just your basic average pill.

Her conversation with doc was a bit unnerving though to say the least. The doctor was acting a bit off if you asked her.                                      ______________________

Y/N looked at Receen with uncertainty painting her face. What was the meaning of this? Was it really possible for her if she took these pills? He wouldn't try to kill her? They've known each other for almost two years, so he wouldn't try anything.

Right?

"C'mon Y/N, you trust me right? You can see your family again, just take them!" Doctor Receen urged the girl with an enthusiastic smile. Though the look in his eyes seemed a bit desperate for her to take them. Weird.

"Say, Doc, I don't wanna sound ungrateful or anything, but-" she was cut off by a soft laugh. It sounded more forced.

"Y/N, there's nothing to worry about! You had professionals work and conduct these small things! Here! Just take them and think about it!" Receen tossed the bottle to Y/N, who barely caught it with both hands. "I'll have someone bring in some fresh clothes just in case you do want to try these things out.”

And just like that he was out the door.                                     ______________________

Y/N scratched the back of her neck as she put the pill back in the bottle, wondering why the doctor was pushy with her taking them. Her eyes wandered around the room until they landed on the new pile of clothes sitting on the edge of her bed. A kind lady bought it a short while ago, giving her a small smile before leaving.

Though, Y/N decided she'd play a game before calling her parents to tell them the wonderful news. It still felt odd for her to just get pills for her sickness right then and there. Even if it wasn’t a permanent solution. She wasn't even informed about the making of her medicine, despite what Receen had told her. All that she knew was that they were trying to keep her alive. Turning on her console and taking her controller, she glanced at the bottle. She didn't close it of course, wanting to see that they were actually real. 

Putting on her headphones, she put on Fortnite and waited for other players to join. She really hated this game, but it was hilarious to see people rage. Seeing someone join, she tried to talk to them, but got no response. Briefly closing her eyes for a few seconds, she snapped them open after hearing a familiar gruff voice. King Explosion Murder!

"We better win this or I'll look for all of you and kill you." That was literally the first thing the dude said as the game began. Y/N let out an awkward chuckle, a sweat drop appearing on her forehead. This'll be interesting. She cleared her throat, slightly catching the attention of ‘Explosion Murder'.

"Hey! Do you remember me? We played together a few nights ago, with this other guy called Tape Dispenser on OverWatch!" Y/N decided to take a friendly approach, trying not to blow a fuse with this guy. I do not wanna be on this guy's bad side again. Silence filled the air, making Y/N feel slightly uncomfortable.

"Who the fuck are you?" Said girl nearly choked on her spit as she doubled over. She began shooting at random people as the game began, taking them down and moving with her small team. She once again felt her eyebrow twitch.

"What do you mean 'who are you?' Y/N asked, lowering her voice to mimic Murder's voice. She made her character shoot a person in front of her. Headshot!

"I have no idea who the hell you are, so shut the hell up!" Murder's voice rang through her ear as she winced at the volume. So loud! Her other teammate was shot down and killed, making Y/N sigh.

"You sure dude? I'm the one who almost won the game, but like, died at the very end?" Y/N didn't even know why she was even trying to talk to this guy. She just felt like she wanted to know him better. Or her. Could be a girl with a really deep voice? Murder was quiet before a growl like grunt was heard.

"So you're the damn girl who did that." Murder's voice was low and Y/N didn't know whether or not to feel scared for herself. "Haha! Yeah, that was me." She awkwardly laughed, not sure if he was going to blow a fuse because of that.

Murder was quiet, with the exception of his breathing being heard through her headphones. Y/N just came to the conclusion that Murder was, in fact, a dude. She didn't want to believe that a girl had that deep of a voice. It was possible, she thought, though she couldn't picture a female with that voice. She'd die if she did. The thought made her stifle a laugh.

"The fuck you laughing about?!" Y/N looked at his kill counts and her eyes widened. 7 already?! Goddamn! She looked at her own and only saw three. "Well aren't you curious now?" Murder let out a huff, as if he were trying to contain his inner rage. "I was asking for a goddamn reason." 

Y/N swore she could feel his irritation through the screen. The two met up and began to continue to go to the middle of the map. 6 kills. Cool! She once again looked at Murder's kills and felt her confidence deflate once again. Way to make me depressed dude. As she was shooting a player, Y/N looked at the kill feed and almost spit everywhere.

"MOTHER FUCKING FUCKER!" This dude exploded, and by the noise, she assumed he threw his chair. This dude! Suddenly, an idea came in her, oh so beautiful, head. "Yo yo yo, bro! I gotta deal!" This caught Murder's attention as he let out an aggressive 'What.’ She smiled wide as she continued to play the game, knocking down and killing another player. 

"I carry the team and win, you accept my friend request!" 

"What if you don't win, huh?" That's what Y/N was scared of. She let out a defeated sigh and surrendered. "I'll give you the most rare skin I own." There was silence as she took some damage from another player. 

"Which is what?" She swallowed and opened her mouth. "It's the skin that was only given to 5 players from the event last year." 

"Deal." He said it so fast that Y/N was actually scared to give him it. But she always kept her word. Looking to see how much other players were left, she felt her heart speed up. Why am I freaking doing this?! The girl continued to focus on the game at hand and began skillfully killing the other players. She got hit a few times, but never went down. When it was finally one player left, besides herself, she began to be cautious. At last, she took down the final player and yelled out in joy!

"Oh yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about baby! Sweet sweet victory!" Y/N cheered while throwing her hands up in the air and slightly jumping on her bed. She had no idea why she was even this excited to win. Maybe it's cuz I like him. Y/N stopped mid cheer, before she burst out with laughter as she wondered why she even thought that. She doesn't even know the guy!

"Well, looks like you're gonna have to accept me!" Murder let out a couple of grumbles and snide comments as he accepted her request that she sent. "It was only fucking luck. Don't get too cocky."

Y/N gave a toothy smile that he couldn't see and giggled. "Whatever helps you sleep at night." The small girl looked at the time and decided this was enough for the day. "Well Mr. Explody, I gotta go! It was cool playing with you!" 

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Get off now, you're starting to piss me off." Y/N laughed at his sour attitude and decided to fuel the flame some more.

"Y'know, you should work on your gaming. You suck." The girl quickly got off the game and turned off her console, but not without hearing him yell at her. The smile never left her face as she fell on her back and looked at the ceiling. Gosh, he's so weird. She continued to replay their interactions before turning her head and looking at the phone. She sighed and sat up. 

All her happy feelings went down the drain. Something just didn't feel right with the medicine the doctor gave her. Whatever. It's probably because I always thought I'd be cooped up in this room for the rest of my life. Y/N blinked and walked to the phone and dialed her parents number. She stood anxious, hearing the phone ring and her hands trembling with excitement? Fear? Who knows.

"Hello? Y/N? How are you!" Her mom's cheery voice sounded through the phone and once again, the girl smiled. "Hi Mommy! I'm fine, perfectly fine actually. What about you?" She decided to keep things smooth and simple. The laughter of her mother brought Y/N back to reality.

"Oh Y/N! No need to be so formal! I'm your mother, no need to act like that!" Y/N let out a chuckle and brushed her hair away from her face. "Yeah, sorry Mommy." 

"And to answer your question, I am doing amazing!" She let out a hum, letting her mother know she heard. "Well, I have some kind of big and important news. So basically, Doctor Receen made some kind of medicine. For my, y'know, 'sickness.' Crazy right?"

There was a small pause before the cheerful voice of her mother sounded in her ear. "I know! The Doctor had already told your father and I beforehand! I was so ecstatic, and I still am for you-"

"Wait, you already knew? And you didn't tell me?" Y/N’s voice was filled with confusion. Why didn’t mom tell me? Was she keeping it a secret? Did she try hiding it from me? Was she ever going to-

“Well I wanted it to be a surprise for you from the doctor!” Said the older woman happily, leaving Y/N to feel embarrassed. She let out a small ‘Oh’, and rubbed her neck. Why did she even think her mother wouldn’t tell her something so important? Shaking her head, Y/N continued.

“Well thank you! I’m still, uh, just still a little skeptical of the pills. I’m not sure if they are actually going to work…” The clear doubt was heard in the girl’s voice. Her mother furrowed her eyebrows.

“But sweetie! Of course they’re going to work! I would’ve thought you’d be more excited about this!” Glancing up to look at the bottle, Y/N could only let out a short ‘yeah.’ 

“So when will you be coming! Your dad and I agreed that we would pick you up after you took one of the pills, so you could come home for a while!” Her mother’s voice continued to rant off about what they were going to do when she came back home. While the voice continued, Y/N drifted off into her head.

How am I going to tell Denki this? Should I like, surprise him when he comes back from school? Hmm, I swear if he cries, I think I will too-

“Y/N! Y/N honey are you there?” Zooming back into reality, she let out a chuckle from her mother’s worried voice.

“Yeah mom, sorry. I was just thinking about some things.” M/N hummed in understanding. It grew quiet quick, but soon was filled with Y/N’s sweet voice. “I think I’ll take the pill on Friday mommy. You can come pick me up at around three. This gives you some time to prepare for everything, heh.”

Her mother let out loud cheers, happy that she will be able to see her daughter face to face again. It’s been so long since she had last seen Y/N, not being able to take it, seeing her child confined in a spacious room. 

The two talked for a short moment more until they decided to hang up. Placing down the phone, Y/N sighed. Dragging herself and the IV back to her bed, she sat in silence. Who knows how long she stayed in that position, all that she knows is that she was snapped out of her daze after a brief knock to her door. She hummed, loud enough for the person to hear. Opening the door, the woman walked in, boots squeaking against the clean floor. The short spray in the air filled the silence as the doctor walked over to Y/N’s IV bag.

Watching her check and adjust the fluid bag, Y/N’s big eyes snapped to the doctor’s face when she began speaking. “You’ve been moving a lot. The needle is off center from where it’s supposed to be.” 

As she said that, the girl felt a slight pinch on her arm and saw the doctor putting the needle back into its rightful place. Satisfied with the placement of the needle, she hummed in acceptance and patted Y/N’s arm with her gloved hand. Moving her arm around to get used to the feeling of it back inside her body, Y/N wondered when it had fallen out. Huh, I didn’t even notice. 

Feeling the need to fill the silence, Y/N spoke. “Well, today was an exciting day, haha. Received amazing news and had a wonderful conversation with my mom.” Y/N chuckled in false amusement, but the doctor could only narrow her eyes at the small girl. “Mm, you sound so excited, I could tell when I first walked in here.”

Now Y/N did laugh at that. Who knew the scary doctor lady could go along with her sarcasm! With now gleaming eyes, the excitement was now visible in her eyes. Now that she knew the doctor was ‘nice’, she definitely was going to have fun talking with this doctor. Seeing as she turned around and went to head towards the door, Y/N was quick to stop her. 

“Hey! What’s your name?” The doctor’s eyes widened in shock and turned fully to the girl who had now stood up.

“What do you mean ‘what’s your name?’ I’ve been one of your main doctors for two years!” The woman exclaimed in exasperation, unbelieving of the situation she was just put in. Y/N could only weakly shrug.

“Sorry about that! I just, uh, like was too nervous around you to remember your name?” As pathetic as the excuse was, she was telling the truth! I am so sorry Ms. Doctor! The older woman could only shake her head in amusement.

“My name is Doctor Shuzenji Kumiko, but call me Doctor Kumiko. Now you better remember that, this will be the last time I tell you my name.” Y/N nodded her head with such affirmation, Doctor Kumiko thought the child would accidentally hurt herself. And right now she did not need that happening. While she shook her head though, Y/N couldn’t help but feel a strike of familiarity at her name. But what about it is familiar? Cranking every gear in her head, she failed to notice Doctor Kumiko looking around the room.

Doctor Kumiko was never able to get a proper look around the sick girl’s room, seeing as her mission was to go in, check if Y/N was ok, and then get out. Though she immediately noticed how empty her room was. Only one big bed, a flat screen tv perched on a small table, and the medical equipment were all that occupied the room. Though now that she started paying more attention, the room was a different color. Bland white walls were now full of a bright color, something not too dark, but not too eye bleeding. It was a nice appealing color that suited the girl standing in front of her. That’s when Doctor Kumiko’s eyes landed on the small table next to the grand bed. They slightly widened as they caught eyesight on the small bottle. 

“I can’t believe he gave them to her.” Kumiko hissed silently just as Y/N snapped her fingers. Staring at the doctor, she tilted her head. 

“Did you say something?”

“Huh? Oh no, it’s nothing! Just remembering something is all!” Doctor Kumiko rubbed her neck, putting the momentary problem in the back of her head for now. Y/N shrugged her shoulders, curiously looking at the doctor in front of her. Clearing her throat, the doctor shifted the focus off herself.

“So were you going to say something?” Slowly fiddling with her gloved hands, the Doctor could only sigh in relief as Y/N eyes popped open quickly.

“AH YES!” Y/N quickly wobbled to the doctor forgetting to take the IV that weighed her down with her. The doctor let out a small gasp, stepping behind the girl and rolling it next to Y/N who didn’t pay any attention to that.

“I finally recognize where I heard that last name from! And no, I didn’t just remember your name you supposedly told me before.” The lady’s sharp eyes rolled, letting her continue.

“RECOVERY GIRL HAS THE SAME SURNAME! ISN’T THAT INSANE?! I HONESTLY FIND THAT SO COOL! I wish I had the same name as a famous person, oooo like All Might’s name, or or even Endeavor’s!” Doctor Kumiko cringed at the sound of Endeavor’s name but paid no mind to that. Right now she had to deal with a hero fangirl. Just then Y/N abruptly stopped her rapid talking, moving closer to Doctor Kumiko’s face.

“Wait. Are you like-” Y/N looked around the room as if there was someone else watching them. When she was done, she leaned closer to the doctor’s protected head and whispered the following words. “Are you Recovery Girl’s daughter?” The woman could only sigh and stared into the girl’s shining eyes. When Y/N got no response she determined her answer by herself.

“Oh my gOSH!!! WAIT LIKE FOR REAL?! LIKE YOU’RE ACTUALLY HER DAUGHTER?? YOU LOOK A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE HER DAUGHTER BUT I’M NOT COMPLAINING! WOW THIS IS SO CRAZY, ALL THIS TIME YOU WALKED IN HERE AND I HAD NO IDEA WHO YOU ACTUALLY WERE!! I HAVE TO TELL DENKI HE’S GONNA FREAK OUT-” Doctor Kumiko bellowed a laugh so grand it had Y/N laughing along as well. After attempting to wipe away her tears soon realizing she couldn’t due to her helmet, she let out more bubbly laughs. 

“Aahhh, you’re pure gold!! I can see why Receen likes you!” She smiled brightly down towards Y/N who gave her a beaming grin of her own in return. “But yes! You’re right, though not entirely.” 

Y/N trying to keep up with Doctor Kumiko’s pace to her bed, they both sat down and got comfortable. “Since you basically found out my family tree, to answer your question fully, I am related to Recovery Girl. I’m not her daughter, but her granddaughter instead.” 

The small girl’s eyes widened in shock. No way. She actually met someone who’s related to one of the greatest heroes of all time. Don’t fight her on this, she knows what she’s talking about. As she stared at the doctor with such admiration, Kumiko could only give her a weak smile. She knew what the next question would be. Her answer would always leave people with disappointment. 

“Wait! Does that mean that you have a similar quirk to Recovery Girl? After two generations, wouldn’t your quirk be more evolved at this point? Or do you have a mixture of both your parents quirk, seeing as your mom could’ve inherited some of Recovery Girl’s quirk or something like that!” Doctor Kumiko only shook her head leaving Y/N confused.

“Then did you get a quirk similar to your dads?” Once again shaking her head no, Y/N was beyond confused. Until a thought passed through her head.

“Are you… are you quirkless?” Y/N didn’t really consider a descendant from a nationwide known hero to be quirkless. It’s possible, but very unlikely. After all, only 20 percent of people in the world aren’t born with quirks. Me included. Y/N’s eyebrow twitched at the truth of her thought train. Once again though, the doctor shook her head and went to explain to the young girl.

“I do have a quirk, so that’s not the problem. The problem lies in how efficient my quirk is.” Y/N listened intently, ready to store this useful information in her memory. Ohoho Denki is gonna be sooo jealous, heheh. “My quirk is actually quite weak compared to my grandmother.”

“My mother was born quirkless, meaning that when she had me, many doctors had thought I would be too. But instead, I got a similar quirk to my grandmother. Since my mother had direct DNA from her, part of that DNA was transferred to me, to her granddaughter. Everyone was ecstatic to learn I had gotten a quirk similar to my grandmother, some even thought my quirk would be even greater than hers.

“But alas, I was handed the remains of the quirk from my mother, so I only proved to have a much much weaker quirk compared to Recovery Girl.” Soaking up the information, Y/N looked to Doctor Kumiko. Despite sharing not so amazing information, she didn’t seem to be too bothered by sharing it. In fact, she looked perfectly fine!

“I’ve come to terms that my quirk will always be a weak one, but that doesn’t stop me from using it all. I help as best as I could, using my quirk to help young children when they scrape their knees, and just replenishing as much energy into those who need it the most. I think the biggest wound I’ve healed was a large burn! I was so proud of myself, but I was just so exhausted! So I mostly conserve energy when I need to.”

Y/N nodded, happy that the doctor was sharing so much with her. She didn’t care if it was ‘improper’ or something, she was just glad to be able to talk to someone who wasn’t Receen or Denki.

“You seem quite happy with what you do. How much people have you helped?” Y/N smiled happily at the doctor. “ I’ve helped so many people. And just with my quirk!” Sighing happily, Doctor Kumiko got up and headed towards the door. 

“Do you visit Recovery Girl often?” Y/N had a small favor she would like to ask the doctor, though she needed to make sure she was able to do it first. 

“Of course, she is my grandmother after all. She would spam call me if I hadn’t visited her in over a week.” Doctor Kumiko deadpanned at the thought of that, having experienced that before. Y/N giggled at the thought, phone constantly ringing for who knows how long!

“Makes me deliver her food too if she forgot it. That lady is too much work sometimes.” The doctor rubbed her head, a headache already rolling in at the thought of all the things her grandmother makes her do.

‘Well since you see and visit her~” Y/N smiled sweetly at the woman looking at her with suspicious eyes. “Then that means you have access to the U.A. building!” Now Kumiko was narrowing her eyes at the girl at this point.

“Yes, I’m also a helper at the school too. What cards are you playing right now Ms. L/N?” Said girl chuckled mischievously, quickly moving to grab a small note pad in the drawer of her small table. Ripping out a piece of paper and quickly scribbling words on it and folding it, she handed the paper to the doctor who stared at it in confusion.

“GREAT! I need you to deliver this to my cousin that goes to the school! Since you have access to the school, which I don’t know why you didn’t tell me sooner, this makes your little journey for me easier!” Sharp eyes flew from the paper in her hand to the young girl’s face, back to the paper. Sighing, she silently agreed.

“Thank you!!! Ok, so his name is Kaminari Denki and he’s a first year in the hero course! I don’t know which one, but he’s in one of them if he didn’t lie to me.” Chuckling, the doctor nodded and stood up from the bed. 

“Well I spent too much time in here. I think it’s been the most since the two years I’ve been checking up on you.” Walking to the door, she paused for a moment, turning around to look at the girl who had sat back down on her bed.

“I’ll be sure to get these to your cousin as soon as possible. Also, I’m sure you’ll be able to help so many people when you’re out of here. But please be careful with those pills. They’re very strong so consume them with caution." And with that, she left, door opening, closing, and the familiar sound of the air purifier turning on. 

Chatter filled the classroom in the early morning, the students excited for another day in U.A. Ever since the recent villain attack, many of them were still filled with fear, though their determination to grow stronger overshadowed any negative thoughts. The days passed by since then and many of the young heroes have made it their goal to be stronger than they were before.

Which leads us to a blonde boy with a black lightning streak in his hair, sitting nonchalantly in his chair. He listened to his rambling friend, the red head mentioning something about Crimson Riot, or something like that.

“And ever since then, I always followed his words! He’s my number one inspiration after all-” A grunt was heard next to him, the boys’ eyes turning to the ash blond boy sitting next to them.

“Yeah yeah, we heard this story already, why don’t you talk about something new?” His gruff voice didn’t knock down the red head’s bright mood though, only pushing him to talk more.

“Alright Bakubro, if that’s what you want!” The boy grinned, his sharp teeth on display for everyone to see. And even despite that, no one was very afraid of his appearance, seeing as his personality shone out like the sun outside. “So what did you guys do this weekend? I’ve been training for hours! Ever since U.S.J, I’ll admit, I was still shaken up!” 

At the mention of what happened at U.S.J, more people around them joined in on their conversation. “Tell me about it, my parents didn’t want me coming back because of that.”

A few murmured in agreement, everyone now talking about their experiences at home. “You don’t know how long it took me to convince my mom to not call the school. But if anything, I’m still surprised Midoriya is still here. He was at the core of all the attacks!” 

Said boy turns red at the mention of that. I mean, his mom was really really worried about him, so he couldn’t really say anything. Scratching the back of his neck, he could only let out a nervous chuckle.

“Yeah, luckily All Might managed to come and save the day!” Excited chatter began to fill the room once again with everyone retelling each other how cool All Might was busting through the doors of U.S.J.. Ururaka jumped in as well, her voice filled with awe.

“Don’t forget how All Might even knew we were in trouble! If it weren’t for Iida speeding his way back to UA, who knows what could’ve happened!” Even more people agreed on that, some of the guys even patting the tall boy on the back. Clearing his throat, and trying to make the blush disappear off his face, Iida fixed his glasses and began talking.

“Well of course I did that, any sane person would have done it. After all it was the right thing to do, especially in our dire situation!”

“Ah there goes Iida humbling himself again!”

“Give yourself some credit dude!”

“It was still super cool how you managed to run that entire distance!”

Covering the raising blush on his face at the rapid compliments with his fist, he spoke once again, the others around him listening to his words. “It would have been more preferable if we were able to contact the school directly, help would’ve come much more quickly then.”

“Oh yeah! Too bad Kaminari couldn’t contact the school though, those villains really knew what they were doing!”

At the mention of his name, Kaminari faced Mina and gave a tight grin. “I didn’t even know that there were people who had quirks that can block out signals!” Some laughed, while others chuckled at the exasperation in the blonde boy's voice. An annoyed sigh cut through their laughter, everyone looking to the blonde spiky haired boy who interrupted their laughing fest. Just as he was about to speak, a knock was heard throughout the class, leaving the boy to grumble to himself as the door slid open.

A tall lady walked in, her straight posture already showing the students she meant business the moment they laid eyes on her. Her long, sleek black hair flowed behind her as she stepped more into the classroom, sharp eyes observing the kids in front of her. Immediately her eyes landed on a boy with narrowed red eyes, noticing he was giving her the stink eye.

Inwardly rolling her eyes at the boy's attitude, she went back to looking at the small crowd in front of her. “Hello, my name is Dr. Kumiko and-”

She was so rudely cut off by a very short boy who stood in front of her, the purple balls on her head making Kumiko furrow her eyebrows. “Are you our substitute? Wow you are gorgeous, has anyone told you that?”

As the boy continued talking, Dr Kumiko could only try and step around him in order to avoid his beady gaze. Cringing slightly, she turned her attention back to the class and watched as they curiously gazed at her. Clearing her throat sharply and loudly, that effectively shut the small boy up.

“First of all, no I am not your substitute, though I am aware you aren’t even getting one. Second of all, before you interrupted me, I was going to say I have a delivery for someone. The other hero class said I would most likely find him in here, since he was not one of their classmates.”

With that being said, murmurs erupted between students, all of them wondering what this delivery could be, that such a beautiful woman was sent to give it to one of the boys. 

Looking down at the piece of paper that was folded into an envelope, Doctor Kumiko’s eyes furrowed a little more as she tried remembering the name Y/N gave her. Uh, something like Kamayama? Kamayari? Kama- oh whatever! Straightening up, she decided that she wouldn’t attempt to damage her pride and decided to read what was written on the paper instead.

“Is there anyone who recognizes the phrase ‘electrifying baby, electrifying’? A choked cough sounded throughout the now quiet room, everyone’s eyes trailing to the blonde with a black streak in his hair. Doctor Kumiko wondered if he had dyed his hair like that.

“Uhm I recognize it?” Kaminari was too nervous to even consider how this random lady even knew him and his cousins inside joke. It became a joke when Kaminari had accidentally used his quirk when he got angry at a game both of them were playing. He went into his dumb mode and that was the first thing he said just to show Y/N he was alive. He’s still embarrassed to this day because of his slip up.

“Here you go, I was told to hand this letter to you. I’m sure you know who it is though.” Giving the teenage boy a smirk, the doctor walked closer to him, placing the piece of paper in his palms.

“Alright, since that’s all I needed to do, I’ll head off now. Don’t you give any trouble to your teacher when he arrives.” With a stern voice, Kumiko exited the classroom, sliding the door shut and leaving the students in a stunned silence.

Looking down at the smooth, neatly folded paper in his hands, Kaminari goes to open it with furrowed eyebrows, only to have it snatched from his secured hands.

“Whose this from?! A secret girlfriend we didn’t know about?!!” Inspecting the letter, Mineta’s fingers itched to open the letter himself. No way could Kaminari have a girlfriend! There were better options out there, like him for example! Cue eye roll.

“What?! No of course not dude! Just gimme the letter-” Reaching down to take back the paper, a pink hand stopped him from getting it. 

“Kaminari! There’s no need to be shy about it! You know we wouldn’t judge you, no matter how you managed to get a girl to agree to go out with you!” Mina turned around to Hagakure and Tsuyu, the pink girl’s eyes shimmering with delight!

“Wow, do you think this could be one of those romantic letters couples send to each other!” Giggling, Mina and Hagakure began to try and unravel the paper, only to be stopped by another hand delicately taking the paper away. 

“Yah! I was going to open that!” Turning around, the pink haired girl faced Aoyama, who looked at the letter with slight curious eyes.

“Did you know Paris is actually known as the city of love? I like to say I’m an expert in that station!” A deafening silence rolled throughout the class, Mina and Mineta deadpanning at what the purple eyed boy said. Quickly jumping towards him, both the students wrestled Aoyama for the letter, making a ruckus around them.

“Hey why are you- Just give me the piece of paper, it’s mine!” Soon joining their hustling, Kaminari rushed to try and retrieve the letter from who he knew was his cousin. Why do they go touching things that aren’t theirs!, Kaminari thought.

Soon, the now wrinkled paper flew away from their little cluster, floating all the way to another students desk. That student's desk being Bakugou’s. Staring hard at the paper that laid on his desk, he drew his hand near it to pick it up. Kaminari began to grow even more worried.

“H-hey Bakugou, uh could you give me my letter?” Kaminari suppressed the urge to shiver as he made eye contact with Bakugou’s piercing red eyes. His gaze then shifted to the small wisps of smoke that began appearing in the hand Bakugou clutched the letter in.

“You idiots are really screaming at each other. Because of a paper?” Adding more to his irritation and annoyance, more smoke began appearing around his hand. Now he was angry at their stupidity.

“C’mon Bakubro, don’t be like that! Just give Kaminari his letter.” Kirishima tried coaxing the angry blonde, but that only seemed to irritate him even more. Planning on just setting the damn paper on fire so his classmates would shut up about the stupid love letter, he clutched it even harder in his hand. Only to have it ripped away from him by something sticky. Glaring at the short black haired boy, Sero quickly yanked the fragile paper towards himself. 

Right now, Kaminari was panicking outwardly, rushing towards Sero to cradle the now ruined letter. His annoyance shot up quickly, sending clear glares to the four who wouldn’t give him his letter. Mina, Mineta and Aoyama looked away with guilt painting their faces, while Bakugou growled at Sero. Growled.

“Ugh look at what you guys did I- '' Taking a deep breath in, he allowed himself to cool down. They were just too curious, he told himself. Walking back to his seat, with Sero following him, he sat down and put the delicate paper on his desk. The once smooth paper was now crumbled and burnt around the edges. Resisting the urge to rub his eyes, he turned to Sero once again.

“Thanks bro.”

“No problem.” Their exchange was short, yet Sero knew Kaminari’s words were genuine. 

“Sorry about your letter Kaminari, I was just too excited thinking about you having a girlfriend.” Mina awkwardly chuckled, Mineta and Aoyama following in suit with quiet ‘yeah’s’. Giving them a small smile, he waved them off.

“I guess it’s fine. I got excited too. But I don’t have a girlfriend, this letter is from my cousin.” Nodding, she still let out a meek sorry, embarrassed that she got the whole story wrong. Mineta and his words, ugh.

Looking back to Bakugou, said boy could only let out a grunt and look away from Kaminari. Snorting, he turned his attention to the letter and began carefully unfolding the folds that had formed an envelope shape. Kaminari let a smile grace his face. She used to like making origamis. I could never have the patience to fold these kinds of stuff.

After finally opening every fold with utmost delicacy, he squinted his eyes to read what Y/N had written for him. It was hard reading due to some of the paper being burnt and blackened. He managed to read what she wrote though.

Surprise on Friday :)

Kaminari didn’t even have a second to even dwell on what that could mean, jumping slightly in his chair when he heard the door to the classroom slam open. Golden eyes widening, he quickly stuffed the paper into his bag and watched as Aizawa entered the classroom. Those who were standing quickly rushed to their seats to avoid getting called out by the fully casted and bandaged man.

Listening to his teacher’s muffled voice, he reminded himself to ask Y/N what she meant later when he got home. It was very vague, but Kaminari didn’t dwell on the fact too long. After all, he had a full and exhausting day of school ahead of him!

[hockeylvr59]

Birthday Baby || Paul Bissonnette

Requested: [x] yes [ ] no

Authors Note: So the original request was for “bend over I’m going to put a baby in you” and “tilt your hips up after I cum” with Elias Pettersson but I can’t write smut for him. This request came in after that suggesting that I do those for Biz. I have another request for the first part with a different player so I only used the second one here but hopefully you enjoy. As always when writing about Biz I got a little bit carried away and this turned out much bigger than a blurb. 

Warnings: smut, maybe some cursing. 

Word Count: 1,875

~~~~~~

Dating Paul was easy. It wasn’t that there weren’t challenges, it was that Paul was always willing to listen to you and work through whatever problems arose until you found an outcome that could make both of you happy. He was willing to think outside the box and it was something that made you fall hard for him. 

But there was one subject you knew would be difficult to conquer and though you needed to if you were going to have a future together, it worried you. 

You wanted kids. 

Paul was on the fence about it. 

But since that was a problem for down the road you put off talking about it. 

Then six months became a year and you realized that you couldn’t keep putting time and effort into something if there was no chance of having all of your needs filled in the future. 

So you’d told Paul that the two of you needed to talk and immediately he was concerned. But he’d listened as you expressed your feelings directly, confirming things that he’d insisted he’d known since you started dating. In return, he expressed his fears about having kids. How he was worried he’d make a horrible father, how he was worried his past injuries would negatively impact his ability to provide stability and raise children. 

By the end of the conversation he’d admitted he’d been thinking about having kids more frequently recently, that being with you made him honestly consider having kids for the first time. For now, it was enough. It was more than you had expected and it was enough to assure you that your efforts in this relationship were worth it. So you let those thoughts slip to the back of your mind for a while, focusing on enjoying time with Paul and growing stronger as a couple. 

In the days leading up to your birthday it seemed like there was something on Paul’s mind that he wouldn’t talk about. You were concerned but he’d never not confided in you eventually in the entire time you’d been together so you didn’t let yourself worry too much. 

The morning of your birthday you woke up to a vase of flowers on your dresser and your favorite muffin left for you on the kitchen counter. You’d insisted that you didn’t need to do anything for your birthday but when you arrived home from work you could smell dinner. Paul wasn’t the best chef but he was trying and the effort was what was appreciated. After sitting down to a warm meal and a glass of wine, you’d curled up on the couch next to Paul and you could feel his heart racing in his chest as he handed you your present. 

As you tore the paper off of the box you couldn’t tell if he was anxious because he was worried you wouldn’t like the present or if there was something else. Tucked inside the box was a pearl bracelet and you smiled tilting your face up to kiss him in thanks. It was beautiful and pearls were one of your favorite gemstones so it was perfect. Paul still looked nervous though and motioned that there was something else in the box. Tucked up under another layer of tissue paper was a blue and purple box, clearly from the drugstore and you lost your breath as you read the label. Ovulation Test. Not wanting to get ahead of yourself you looked back up at your boyfriend seeking answers. 

“Paul…” You murmured, moisture gathering in your throat as you watched him. 

“If you want…” He mumbled back, his free hand rubbing at the back of his neck. 

“Paul.” You repeated. “Are you serious?” His brown eyes were warm as he gazed down at you and after clearing his throat he nodded. 

“I know technically I should at least propose first but bear with me on that. But yeah...I’m serious. I think a mini you running around would be pretty cute.” 

There was so much more that needed to be discussed about this but right now just didn’t feel like the right time. Hashing out all of the details could happen when it wasn’t your birthday and since you were still on the pill you pulled Paul to bed without hesitation knowing that any baby-making wouldn’t be happening tonight anyway. 

____

Within a few days of your birthday you’d had all the necessary conversations, made sure that this was something that Paul actually wanted. But once that was settled you tossed your pills. Now it was just a matter of waiting and trying. 

And honestly, you had no idea that trying could be so much fun. 

It wasn’t that sex with Paul wasn’t great before but now, now it was even better. Now everything was heightened just that much more. Now Paul was a man on an even greater mission and it showed. 

Paul held your hips in his hands as he thrust up into you, forcing you even deeper onto his cock as you rode him. 

“God baby you’re so sexy like this.” He grunted. “Bet you’ll be even sexier carrying our baby.” A chill ran up and down your spine at the thought and you whined out about how close you were. You’d already cum once on his tongue and once with him inside of you and a third orgasm was ready to crash down on you. 

Flipping the two of you over, Paul slowed things down a bit, kissing you as he moved in and out connecting your bodies. Even with the slower pace it wasn’t long before you were right at the edge of your orgasm again. And this time it was clear that Paul was right there with you. 

“That’s it beautiful. You gonna cum for me again? Are you going to milk me as I cum, pull my seed deep inside of you so we get you nice and pregnant?” Only sounds of pleasure were spilling from your throat, no intelligible words forming in your brain. Your body was so desperate for him that it was reacting on its own accord, pulling him closer and deeper, aching to feel him spill inside of you. 

Though usually Paul always made sure that you came before he did, this time his orgasm crashed over him just a moment before yours and the sticky wet heat filling you caused you to cum with a shout, an intense orgasm leaving you boneless and sated. 

By the time your brain regained function, Paul was pulling a spare pillow from beside your head and working it under your hips. 

“Gotta tilt your hips up after I cum sweetheart, make sure all of it stays right there inside of you so that we can knock you up.” He reminded, a prideful smirk on his face. He kissed you for a few minutes, rambling about how incredible it was getting to experience this with you before he finally pulled out, doing his best to leave as much of his semen still inside of you as he could. 

____

This time it was his birthday and because it was Biz and you’d finally gotten the news you’d been waiting for you knew that you needed to go big in your reveal to him. The Yotes were playing at home which meant that he had to work on his birthday but you’d managed to fly his parents down to surprise him, snatching his season tickets for the game. 

You knew he was doing pregame and the second intermission on tv so with the help of a few people you had your surprise planned for after his second appearance. Pulling Cam and Yole up to the tv deck as soon as the second period of play ended, you watched as Paul chatted with Jody about the goaltending so far. Soon they wrapped up and just before going off the air Jody spoke. 

“Also I think I heard there was going to be a birthday message for you on the jumbotron, you should probably check that out before heading back to radio.” 

Right on cue, as Paul turned his head to look at the big screen you watched as a series of players and his coworkers wished him a happy birthday. Then your face appeared on the screen with the message you’d recorded for him earlier. 

“Hey there Coyotes fans. You probably know me by now as Biz’s better half. I’d like you to join me in wishing him a very happy birthday because this is a special one. In fact...there’s one more person who wants to say happy birthday but for another year or so I’ll have to do it for them…” Now in addition to speaking to the camera, you were holding up a tiny Bissonnette jersey. “Baby Biz told me to tell you he or she says ‘Happy Birthday Daddy.’” 

Rather than watching yourself on the big screen, you watched Paul’s expressions as he took in the video. How his expression turned soft at the general outpouring of well wishes and then how shock appeared on his face when your video played and finally how tears formed in his eyes as he realized the weight of the information that was just revealed. 

Beside you, you could hear Yole crying and a peek at her and Cam revealed big smiles on their faces. 

Paul cursed and looked at his phone, and you knew in the back of his mind he was desperate to call you but worried about making it back to radio in time. Shaking your head to yourself, you nodded at the crew as you snuck your way over to him. 

“Happy Birthday Babe.” You said, attempting to draw his attention. When he realized you were standing there his eyes went wide and his arms wrapped around you as he buried his head against your neck. “You’ve got a few more minutes. They’ve got you covered in radio so don’t stress.” You assured him. 

“What the fuck was that?” He eventually questioned, though his tone revealed only that he was still processing. 

“I mean go big or go home right?” You teased, scraping your fingernails against his scalp. He let out a shaky breath against you before pulling back. 

“We’re having a baby?” He whispered, awe filling his voice. 

“We’re having a baby.” You confirmed, kissing him softly as you drew his hands to your still flat stomach. “And I’m not sure whether you or your mom are freaking out more.” You motioned to where his parents were standing and Paul let out a gruff emotional chuckle. 

“You flew my parents here.” He mused shaking his head. “You’re something else...you know that right?” He added. 

“Well, it is your birthday. And you becoming a dad is kinda a big deal.” You smirked, laughing as he picked you up and spun you around, joy taking over his expression as it all finally started to settle in. 

“Yeah...becoming a dad is kinda a big deal.” He agreed, kissing you gently before pulling you over to his parents. 

You honestly weren’t sure how you both were going to top this year’s birthdays next year but you couldn’t wait to find out. 

[piracytheorist]

A Kiss for Good Luck (13/16)

Summary: So this is the story of one born lucky, and one born unlucky. Fate will keep making them cross paths, but is it to bring them together, or to test them? Captain Swan AU.

A/N: With this chapter, two more and the epilogue left, I decided to post them day by day! You can expect the next and final updates on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday :D

Rating: T (make sure you’re okay with the warnings on AO3)

Word count for this chapter: 3.6k (51k in total) AO3

Read from the beginning: Tumblr | AO3

~

Chapter 13: Emma Swan, May 25th – June 22nd 2016

Emma smiles wide as she watches Killian go to the end of the now huge line to the airport checkpoint. He went back just to give her a kiss, and a part of her is delighted to realize she adores this hopelessly romantic side of him.

He doesn't turn to look at her, but the place is too crowded anyway, and she decides to go back, grab a coffee and wait to watch his plane leave. Instead, Killian's flight is delayed for a few hours. She texts him about it, whether he wants to cross back and join her, but he simply tells her to not worry and go back home.

It sours her mood a little; it may be a bit late in the day, but there's no reason for him to spend all this time alone, and if she judges by the plain tone of his message he doesn't even want to chat until he leaves.

Odd. First he gives up being first in a long line just to kiss her, then he doesn't even want to talk to her.

Perhaps he just wants to rest or sleep until his flight leaves. Emma tries to ignore the insistent little voice in her head that has never truly disappeared since Neal left her.

She turns the radio on while in her car and catches a blues station. The slow music and the complete lack of traffic back to her place calm her thoughts.

She stays up, checking on Killian's flight until it departs, hoping it doesn't mean a thing that Killian himself didn't tell her that his plane was finally leaving.

The next day is easy, checking off a few good cases, and in the evening she meets Ruby for a few drinks.

“So,” Ruby says with a meaningful look, “how was your week?”

Emma sighs happily, and it's with Ruby's smile turning warmer that she remembers she actually had a fantastic time. She's worrying too much.

“It was great. It felt... right, you know? I was a bit scared, but the moment we met at the airport made everything else not matter. He was here, and we could really enjoy our time together...”

Ruby's nodding enthusiastically. “And? How was it?”

“It was... warm and fuzzy...” Emma gives a good look at Ruby, suddenly realizing what she's asking about. “I told you we weren't ready for that.”

“Even after the whole week?”

“I mean, I spent most of my nights looking at my bedroom door and wondering whether I should go and ask him... but it wasn't just me.”

“I admire your patience. And his. And how about him? What do you think it was like for him?”

“I'm not sure, honestly.” Her face falls.

“What happened?”

“Up until the last day, I could swear it was as good for him as it was for me. I mean, he came, right? He chose to. And he looked happy to be here, with me. But a few hours before he had to leave, he seemed restless and anxious.”

“Because he was leaving?”

“I don't know. I...” She sighs. “He hasn't contacted me to let me know he's arrived safely. But I checked Messenger a few hours ago and it said he's been active today.”

“Did you send him a text about it? It would be weird for him to just forget but sometimes it just happens.”

“Should I send one, you think?”

“Yeah. Maybe he was really busy today. What did you say his job is?”

“His father has a boat rental, and sometimes he takes passengers on cruises.”

“Well, tourist season is kinda starting. Send him a message. But, you know, try to not sound desperate.”

“Ugh. I feel as if I'm in a teenage rom-com.”

She sends her message. Early the next morning, she sees his reply; a plain “Aye, I was busy, sorry for not letting you know,” and compared to his message from before his flight right above that, she can't help wondering.

She didn't have a cell phone as a teenager, and she hadn't allowed herself anything longer than one-night stands after Neal, so it's the first time in her life she has to look at her phone and keep telling herself to not call first.

She takes walks by the sea, seeing the yachts and boats and thinking of Killian. He mentioned how it had been his choice to work on his father's boats, how he loved that job where there's always a view of the sea.

Having practically grown up in Boston, Emma knows well the feelings that endless blue can bring. For Killian, they must be even stronger. The feeling of freedom and calmness and strength at the same time...

She knows he's facing his own issues, he's been open to her about them. His lonely adolescence, his grief, his drinking problem.

She decides to take a walk there every day, to remind herself to give Killian the same space that the sea gives him. Maybe he's out there at the same time, looking at the sea the same way she does.

He manages to call her within a week, though due to his bad connection, they don't share video this time. Or the next. Or the next.

“Remember how I told you I felt I was in a rom-com?” she tells Ruby when they meet one day for coffee. “I hope that at least I'm the protagonist and not the third wheel.”

“What's going on?”

“I worry too much about his calls. We used to talk every day, from five minutes to whole hours on end. And now he's just too busy, or his connection is bad, or his camera isn't working and I'm not seeing his face. But he keeps calling me back, not as often, and not as much, and he doesn't even say as much as he used to, but he's initiating calls on his part. Sometimes he doesn't reply when I call him...” She covers her face with her hands.

Ruby is patiently waiting for more, and Emma isn't sure which more to choose. Killian had trusted her with his history about getting involved with a married woman and she's not ready to betray that just to provide a possible proof that he may be cheating on her.

“We decided to take things slow,” Emma said. “We weren't shy on kisses while he was here, but it didn't go further than that. Do you think he may not consider it cheating, if...”

“If he didn't consider it cheating – if he even is cheating on you – he wouldn't be hiding like that. And taking things slow is different than having an open relationship.”

“I don't know.”

“Emma, if he didn't see it so seriously, would he have come all this way just to spend a week with you? While respecting your wish to not get intimate?”

“He said that's what he wanted as well.”

“So what, is his masculinity so fragile that instead of respecting your wishes, he would fake not being ready for sex? Is he that kind of person?”

Emma is silent.

“You do realize it would take a deep kind of crazy to only want to get laid, then come all this way and agree to not get laid.”

Fair point. “I just wish I knew what it was that tipped him that way. It's... you know, on his last day here, we were talking about our first kisses, and we realized we actually were each other's first kiss.”

“What? You're serious?”

“I know, of all people, right? And I have an inkling he might have been freaked out by that.”

“How did it happen?”

“It was a game of spin the bottle. It was as innocent as it could get at eleven.”

“Did you ask him about it?”

“Yeah. When he was still here, though. I mean, at first he laughed, just as I did, then his face fell, and I asked him if he felt weird about it, and he said no, just that he didn't want to leave. Ugh.” She hangs her head. “That's not a rom-com. That's a soap opera.”

“Maybe he's going through something? Problems with work, family?”

“He hasn't mentioned anything. He said he hasn't talked to his fathers in a while. But, he's shared more serious stuff with me. If something was upsetting him so much... I can't imagine how serious something must be for him to not want to share it with me. And I don't know how much time to give him. Will I sound desperate? Like a stalker? If I take too long, will I seem insensitive?”

“I'm sorry, honey.”

“He's calling me, Ruby. He's not trying to cut off, and he's not trying to appease me either. I'm sure he knows I can hear that he's hiding something. What am I meant to make out from that?”

“Maybe confront him with the fact that you know something is up. Just put it on the table. Say that he doesn't have to explain it to you if it doesn't involve or concern you, just to stop pretending there's no elephant in the room.”

“Sounds simple enough, I guess.” She sighs. “Perhaps it was too early? We've only known each other for seven months.”

“Too early for what? You're not engaged or something. You can work things out.”

Emma nods. “Thank you. Sorry for unloading all that on you.”

“That's what friends are for.” She takes her hands in hers. “I've got lots to talk about, if you want a distraction.”

Emma has had a wonky fortune in her life; she's glad she happened to meet Ruby during one of the good times.

The next day, while she's still growing the courage to confront Killian about acknowledging at least that there's something going on, Ingrid calls her. She's joined by Elsa, who excitedly tells Emma she wants to join Ingrid in her next trip to Boston that summer – they will, of course, stay in a hotel close by so she won't be a bother.

“Maybe we'll go somewhere nice all three of us,” Emma says. “I actually bought a lottery ticket and I have a good feeling about it.”

“Oh, if you have a good feeling about it,” Ingrid says, then turns to Elsa. “You cannot imagine how lucky she was as a teenager.” She then bursts into chatter in Norwegian, and even if Emma could understand more than a few words here and there, she would still be lost in thought.

She was indeed quite lucky as a teen. In fact, the luckiest day of her life, as she'd described it to Killian, had been just the beginning of five great years.

Until her first trip to England, where she met the pirate boy.

Wait...

“Emma?”

She starts, looking back at her camera.

“Sorry, dear, I got carried away,” Ingrid says.

“We will try to use more English when we're there,” Elsa says with an apologetic smile.

“No, it's alright. Ingrid, can you remind me when you actually got your first visa? I mean, in the recent years.”

“Uh, a few days before I contacted you. The first time.”

“Do you remember how many days?”

Ingrid huffs in thought, but turns to her with a smile. “Such sudden curiosity. I'm not sure exactly, three? Four? Less than a week, for sure.”

Too close to the day she kissed that stranger at the club... the only one she didn't see around when the police was asking for witnesses, if they saw who shot that man at the hand and killed his lover.

“Emma?”

Emma takes a deep breath and does her hardest to fake a smile. “Nothing. It's... something about work.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Nothing to worry about. When do you think about visiting?”

After a short chat, Ingrid gets the message and leaves Emma with her thoughts. Emma's hands are shaking; the lottery results will be out in two days and they can't come fast enough.

She runs out, resorting to buying a scratch ticket from a nearby kiosk. She scratches it and stares at it, nearly frozen.

Five dollars.

Emma looks around, looks at the sky, then at her phone. Her weather app clearly shows rain, but there's not a single cloud in the sky.

She is lucky. Things have been going quite well for her. Suddenly so, in fact. Just a month or so ago, she would be getting splashed by cars and losing spare change and...

And then Killian visited her.

She walks slowly back to her apartment, and somehow it doesn't come as a surprise that thunder rumbles outside right as she closes her door.

She sits on her couch, watching the rain pour outside her window.

She had a serving of quite a bad luck the first eleven years of her life. Then she met Killian at that birthday party, they shared an innocent kiss, and that very same evening Ingrid told her she would be adopting her.

Shortly after that Killian's mother died, his father left them, and his brother passed too a few years later.

She stands up, pacing around her living room.

He lived in London at the time. At the exact time she visited for Halloween, that fateful year, that she was left alone and Killian... was adopted? He had mentioned being almost too old to be adopted.

He said it hadn't been him at that party, but he didn't sound convincing, and at the time Emma brushed it off, but... if it really had been him...

Then the night of the shooting at the club. She doesn't remember that stranger's face, but their kiss was too close to him getting shot and Ingrid's visa getting accepted.

A shiver runs down her spine as she remembers the screams of that night. The screams of a man who got shot in the hand... a hand that Killian doesn't have.

Emma's nearly gasping for breath, her hands shaking again as she forces herself to sit back down at the couch.

After that, it was some good years for her, and Killian was lost in his grief, alcohol, and a bad relationship later on.

Then they met at the concert, where right after their kiss, she dropped her phone, cracking its screen.

She looks at it now. The crack is still there, but something tells her getting a new phone screen – or a whole new phone – won't be a problem a few days from now.

She feels a weight set on her shoulders as she goes back to Killian trying to convince her it wasn't him at the Halloween party.

He knows. Somehow, he does, though she doubts he found out much earlier than the moment they realized they were each other's first kiss.

And second.

The weight becomes a sudden void; the pirate boy's look nearly haunted her for years; fifteen years later, she felt a similar sensation at the way Killian looked at her in the concert.

It was the same look, by the same person.

She shakes her head. It's silly. Can it truly be, that they brought good and bad luck to each other, just by kissing?

Then she remembers how he left, when there was no-one in front of him at the queue, to get back to her and give her a last kiss, and didn't come back to join her when his flight was being delayed, because he knew there would be kissing involved if he did.

Tears fill her eyes. He left his luck with her.

And things have been going well for her. How has he been... when both times he got unlucky, people he loved died?

She keeps looking at her phone, wondering if she should call Killian about it, ask him if everything's okay.

Instead, she picks it up and starts looking for the cheapest flight to England she can afford, as soon as possible.

She can't tell Killian; he'll try to stop her, pretend that he's not in Brighton, that he'll be busy...

She finds the envelope with which he'd sent her her Christmas present; she'd kept it in case she'd want to surprise him with a gift back. The return address doesn't include the apartment number, but surprising him in the building entrance will have to do.

She books a flight for three days from now, and of course is not surprised to earn two thousand dollars at the lottery, nor to be promoted to a business class seat thanks to travel miles.

She's grown used to really enjoying flights, but this time she's too nervous to sit back and relax.

He figured out everything before she did. All he had to do was time their kisses right, then leave with his luck on his side. Forever.

But he didn't. He wouldn't. Emma may not know him that long, but she doesn't think he's capable of that. And that's why she's in this plane now.

There's a small part of her that wonders what she's going to do when she comes back. Will Killian actually let her leave without his luck? Will he follow her back? Will they just spend all their money in the effort to be the most selfless one?

She sighs in frustration. That's not something she took into consideration when she agreed to start such a long-distance relationship.

As her luck would have it, everything goes better than smoothly, and courtesy of having slept on her comfortable seat, she doesn't even feel tired from the trip.

It's just starting to get dark when she arrives in Brighton, and she contemplates going straight for her hotel and 'confronting' Killian the next day. But her note with Killian's address on it is right inside her jacket pocket when she gets in the cab, and she can't help herself. The moment she approaches his apartment block, someone happens to exit and smiles to her as he holds the door open for her.

Of course he would. She settles herself and her holdall on the stairs, sends one 'Hey, call me when you see this' to Killian, and waits.

After a couple of hours she starts wondering whether she really is all that lucky, or if it was all in her imagination. The stairs aren't too comfortable and she's slowly getting bored. There's only so much Candy Crush she can handle.

Her eyes look up every single time she sees someone even approach the entrance from outside, and again, everyone who enters or exits simply smiles at her and goes on their way.

She's about ready to give up and head for her hotel when he finally appears. He's looking down, his visibly longer hair falling in front of his face as he takes a bit too long to open the door. She contemplates going to open it herself, but he makes it and starts for the stairs, stopping at the first step and looking up slowly.

His slow reflexes, his slightly staggering step, his tired, sad face...

He was out drinking.

Coming like this was a horrible idea.

“Killian...” she says, making sure her voice sounds worried and not judgmental.

He just stares at her, looking confused and very tired.

“I know this looks weird,” she says. “I've had some time to think and... I'm not stalking you.”

“Wha-” he starts. “How...”

“I'm sorry.” She toys with her hands nervously. “I should have let you know earlier. It was...” Not just impulsive. “Very impulsive. But I would've come soon anyway.”

“How did you know where...” His voice trails off, but she gets the point.

“The gift you sent me for Christmas. The package had your address on it.”

He blinks slowly, and she's not sure he's registering everything she's saying. “Come upstairs,” he says eventually, starting to walk up the steps.

“Wait, really?” She stands up and grabs her bag. “I've booked a hotel-”

“You can take the bed,” he interrupts her. “It's got clean sheets.”

“Killian-”

He gives her a stern look that shuts her up. He's clearly not in the mood for more than just getting to a bed. “Just come.”

She smells the alcohol off of him when he steps closer to her and she wonders whether she should comment on it. Maybe she can ask, somehow, there must have been something that pushed him over.

His apartment looks tidy and smells clean. He sets himself down on the couch, taking off his brace and shoes.

“Is something wrong?” Emma says. “You're...” She pauses. How can she say it?

“Relapsing,” he says plainly. “Why is everyone avoiding that word?”

“Are you okay?”

He shrugs. “Not much to say. I'm tired.”

So hopefully, nothing horrible happened to him or his family.

“I'm sorry,” Emma says again. “I should have let you know I'm coming. I... I'd thought I could surprise you...” What else can she say to excuse such a sudden visit?

Killian lets out a cold, soulless laugh. “Lucky me,” he says, then lies down, eyes closing and breath quickly getting deeper.

His words pull at her heart, confirming that he knows of their mingled fates. She approaches him, kneeling down next to him and touching his hair. It's only been a month and she's already missed feeling how soft his hair is. How she'd love to keep brushing her fingers through it, and not just tonight.

A soft snore comes from him, and she leans forward to leave a kiss on his forehead.

[mosylufanfic]

You’ve Got Mail

This is for the second day of Killervibe week, the Meet Cute theme! Based on something that happened to a Facebook connection of mine, although as far as I know it didn’t turn out this cute.

You’ve Got Mail

The first note was stuck to Caitlin’s door with a piece of scotch tape. She frowned and unfolded it, wondering if the new neighbor already had a problem with her erratic hours. 

Hi! (read the computer-printed note)

I just moved into 202 and wanted to introduce myself to all my neighbors. I'm Cisco Ramon and I'm starting my Masters' in electrical engineering at the university. Normally I'd knock and say hi but this whole quarantine thing kinda keeps me from doing that. :( 

I speak English and Spanish and a little bit of Klingon. I cook sometimes but mostly get too much takeout so any good restaurant recommendations are welcome! I like tinkering and video games and SF/F books and movies and shows, like you couldn't tell from the Klingon. I have a cat named Buttercup who is a giant butt and I love him. If you see him outside, I’d really appreciate it if you called or texted because he's not an outdoor kitty. 

He'd added a picture of the cat, staring menacingly at the camera as if promising that anyone who tried to pet him would lose a finger. Caitlin smiled in spite of herself. 

Hope you have a great day! Cisco Ramon, Apt 202

He'd also added his phone number.

Caitlin read it through a couple of times before looking across the courtyard and up a floor at 202. It being 11:30 at night, the door was shut tight. There was a muted bluish flicker in one of the windows, like he was watching TV. It would be rude to knock on his door at this time of night. 

Also, they were all practicing social distancing right now.

Caitlin was a champ at social distancing. She could social-distance on Olympic levels.

She went into her apartment, shutting the door behind her.

***

On her way to the hospital the next morning, she left a plastic container full of cookies on the mat of 202. There was a note carefully taped to the top. 

Thank you for your nice note. Here are some cookies to welcome you to the building. They're chocolate chip. If you can't eat them, it's okay to throw them away. I've been baking a lot in quarantine.

She was halfway to the hospital when she realized she hadn't put her name or apartment number on the note. So for all Cisco Ramon knew, some anonymous benefactor had dropped cookies on his doorstep.

She sighed. She really was bad at this, just like Jay had said.

***

There was another note on her door when she got back home, this one hand-written in a sprawling, jagged scrawl.

Hello Cookie Queen!

I hope I'm not creeping you out or anything. I saw you through the window, leaving the cookies this morning, but I didn't want to freak you out by opening up the door right away.

They were delicious. I will happily eat any baked goods that you want to get rid of. That's not a beg, by the way. I can make my own cookies, once I find a good grocery store. (Any recommendations?) Just if you're the kind of person who likes to make entire batches and then has to eat them for the next three weeks, I can help with that. I don't have any allergies or anything.

Anyway I think I've weirded you out enough for one note. 

Cisco

***

Hi Cisco

My name is Caitlin Snow and you already know my apartment number. The grocery store I like is the Safeway at the corner of Livingston and Bellmore because they are very firm about masks and disinfecting right now, much better than the Kroger. Also closer. There's a Taco Galaxy across the street from them that delivers until midnight and I like their chicken taco salad.

She stared at the note for a few minutes, then wondered if he would think she was saying a Mexican place because he was clearly Latino. She crossed out and substituted The Golden Wok on Bellmore delivers, and they do a good sweet and sour chicken.

I am a first-year resident so my hours are kind of strange but please let me know if I can ever help out with anything. 

Caitlin, Apt 106

She chewed her lip for a moment, then added to the last paragraph before the sign-off, I wasn't weirded out.

Then she wrote it out in pen on a clean sheet of paper and found another plastic container to fill with butterscotch oatmeal cookies.

***

Hi Caitlin!

Nice to have a name and stop calling you Cookie Queen. Unless you want me to continue calling you Cookie Queen, that's okay too. Thank you for the second batch! Just as delish.

I took your tip about the grocery store and stocked up. Also got green pepper beef at the Golden Wok. Nom, nom, nom! Any ruling on the Taco Galaxy across from Safeway?

I'm major impressed with the residency thing btw. Are you doing okay? Is your ICU totally packed? I have a sewing machine because I do cosplay but obvi no cons right now, so I've been making masks and stuff too. Do you need any?

Cisco

***

Cisco,

We're doing okay right now. I'm not treating many COVID cases personally because I'm in my first year, but everybody is doing more than they would have normally. If you have extra cloth masks, I know some shelters and the local food bank are distributing them.

I like the chicken taco salad at Taco Galaxy. 

She paused, studying the note. She wanted to continue this conversation. She liked him - his warmth and his humor. Maybe she should start texting him. She had his phone number, after all. Or would that be weird?

She wrote down, Where did you move from?

Caitlin

***

They traded notes back and forth, at least once a day but more often twice. Their correspondence ranged from the mundane - he'd moved from Coast City, she had come here from Gotham - to the personal - neither of them had very good relationships with their families - to the downright philosophical.

I dunno, he wrote one rainy day, I feel like the people who say this is God's punishment or whatever are totally getting God wrong. Like I don't believe in God anymore but if I still did, I don't think I'd believe in that kind of God. 

A virus is a virus, she wrote back. There's debate about whether a virus really counts as alive or not, but it's just doing what all life does. The pandemic is definitely down to human hubris and selfishness and shortsightedness. No need for divine punishment. And I don't believe in that kind of God either.

At work, she would mentally compose parts of her next letter during her rare free moments, and every time something funny or strange or horrible happened at the hospital, she found herself telling him about it. No names, of course, because of HIPAA, but writing them down helped her work them out.

The day he mentioned his most recent ex, she caught her breath, a strange flutter in her stomach.

She did a number on me, I'm telling you. It's weird because I do think she liked me, maybe as much as I liked her. It's just she was in some bad stuff with her brother, and she wasn't really interested in getting out. When I realized that she was using me to help him out, I was done. Probably way after I should've been, but that was the last straw. I'm not saying that breakup was why I picked CCU for grad school and moved here two months early but I'm not NOT saying that.

She lay on her couch reading the note over again. His tone was cheerful, as it usually was, but she could almost feel the regret and self-recrimination behind it. 

Also, did this mean he was single? He hadn't wrapped it up with any other mention of someone else he was dating now. 

I know what that's like, she wrote back. My most recent ex was - 

She lifted her pen and stared at the paper. How to describe Jay?

My breakup with my ex was pretty bad too. You just start to doubt everything that you ever thought or felt. Like, is this real or is this another time bomb he put in your head?

God RIGHT he wrote back. The good exes leave nice little presents for you in your head. You think of them because you see a movie they liked or something they used to wear and it just makes you smile. But the bad ones leave freaking land mines and time bombs.

***

More than once, she arrived home to find a bag of takeout or a tupperware full of some recipe he'd tried out. His tastes were a little more adventurous than hers, but she willingly ate whatever he left. Knowing somebody was thinking about her was as nourishing as the meal. 

And some of it was really good. 

She kept baking, leaving cookies and bread and other treats at his doorstep. Sometimes she experimented, too. 

One day as the first leaves were turning, she left a jar with a note taped to the top. I decided to try something. Let me know if Buttercup likes these.

She got a reply within hours. 

Buttercup would like to formally request to move into your apartment now, because I'm a terrible kitty papa and never thought of making him treats. Also I'm very cruel because I won't let him eat the entire jar no matter how much he yells. You are a genius.

She laughed and wrote back, Obviously you're an excellent kitty papa because you love Buttercup very much. It was a pretty simple recipe. I'll attach it for you so you can make your own. I'm glad he likes them.

She didn't see a reply on her door that night. This wasn't unprecedented, though it was unusual, and she found herself cycling through a few anxious loops of what-if - what if he was sick? what if he had nothing more to say to her? what if it had been just too weird for her to make treats for his cat? what if he was talking to someone else now?

But the next day when she went out to get her mail, she found a note tucked into her screen door. She grabbed it and opened it up. 

Hey I realize this is kind of a weird question since we've been passing notes all this time, but would you be okay with texting? Or FaceTiming or WhatsApp or something? I don't know if you kept my number but here it is again anyway. 

She read the short note through a couple of times, trying to identify the feeling bubbling up in her stomach. 

She did like writing the letters. There was something so calming and old-fashioned about sitting down with paper and pen and writing everything out that was on her mind. And getting a letter back felt like a present. 

But on the other hand, this felt like a step toward something . . . new. Something more. Closer. 

She looked up at 202. A curtain twitched, and she caught her breath. Cisco leaned against the glass, spotted her, and lifted his hand in a wave. 

She waved back. 

She'd seen him a couple of times, leaving something at her door or going to grab his mail. She liked his face and his smile, what she'd seen of them. 

He saw the note in her hand. That much was obvious. Even from here, he looked a little nervous. Or maybe that was her, projecting. 

She pulled her phone from her pocket and tapped in his number. He looked away from the window, reached out to grab something, and lifted his phone to his ear.

"Hi," she said shyly. "It's Caitlin."

His smile spread over his face, big enough to bathe her in warmth from one floor and a whole courtyard away. "Hi, Caitlin," he said. "Cisco here."

She smiled back. "So. How's your day going?"

It would be a long time before they actually got to meet in person, without a mask. But she was looking forward to it.

FINIS

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #363

(one more that’s a late upload from way earlier in the day, and i yet again don’t feel like updating the answers)

What brings out the worst in you? When I'm very anxious or having a PTSD episode, I can become very snappy and just not a joy to be around. What all did you eat today? This morning I had oatmeal, I had a rice cake as a snack, and lunch was ham and cheese on a tortilla. Some people were really destructive as a child, were you? No, I was a good kid. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Who was the last person you cried in front of? It was probably Mom. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I usually talk about them somewhere, like in surveys if I feel I can't with anyone else. Please be vocal with your feelings. It is so destructive to let them build up. Who was the last person you were with that smelled REALLY good? I'm unsure. Do you know anyone that is gothic? A good number of people, myself included at least in spirit. ;~; I can't really afford good attire, nor do I have the patience for so much makeup maintenance. Have you seen UP? I actually haven't seen the full movie, but I'd like to. How is your mom? Stressed as fuck and tired of everything. What color hair does your mom have? She recently dyed it black. Her hair is growing back totally gray now and she hated it. She's gotten so self-conscious as she's aged. When was the last time you were told you were cute? Idk. Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? FUCK NO. Have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty? I tried it once and did not get the appeal. Did you have school/class today? No. My school endeavors are done. Do you have any paintings in your room? If so, of what? Yeah, I have my big painting of meerkats grooming above all my 'kat plushies. Have you ever had your photo professionally taken? As a child and by school photographers, anyway. Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Pudding. After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? No. Last time you ate a salad? Like a week ago when we went to Ichiban for my sister's bday. Do you know how old your house is? No, I don't. Have you ever been described as ”adorable”? Yeah. Have you ever given a lap dance? No. They seem incredibly awkward to me?? Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make mega bucks? No. I can't do a job I hate for anything. I would be so depressed. Are you a moody person? Yes. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders' new episode of Resident Evil 8: Village. I'm deadass watching four different LPers play it, I'm only moderately obsessed lmao. What video game could you waste the most time on? WoW, given it has like a zillion different things to do. Yet I still get bored lmao. What is your favorite condiment? Maybe Ketchup? I think I use that for the most things. What is the worst thing that you have ever done? I don't feel like getting into this. How old were you when your parents gave you the "birds and the bees" talk? They didn't; I learned in my school's sex ed in the 5th grade. Have you ever questioned whether or not you'd benefit from therapy? I have benefited from it. What would you like it to say on your gravestone? Hypothetically, idk. But I'd rather be cremated. Would you ever wear real leather or animal fur? NO. Have you ever completely failed a year of school and had to repeat a grade? No. Have you ever been bitten by an animal that wasn't a cat or a dog? Which? I think my old baby iguana bit me once or twice, not that it was very painful at her young age. I can't recall another animal. What type of literature are you most likely to read? (book, magazine, etc) Books. Do you prefer using candles, wax melts, or incense? Incense. Are you someone who actually doesn't have a Facebook? No, I have one. What kind(s) of Facebook groups are you active in, if any? I'm not really *active* in any; I just observe them and interact via "like"s. I'm actually in a whole lot of groups, though. Do you enjoy any herbal or fruit teas? What kinds? Neither. Do you hear any animals right now? No. What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I know and like a few songs, especially "Dear God." Do you like Batman? Yeah, I like his "refuse to murder" ideology. The only thing is I kinda have a bad connection attached to him, because Batman was Jason's thing. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yes. Does your house have a fireplace? Yeah actually, but it might be fake? I don't even know lol. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Have you ever dissected a baby pig in a class at school? Oh my god, no. I literally could never. I did dissect a frog in the 7th grade that wound up to be pregnant, though... I wasn't happy about it, but at the same time it was very interesting. Who is the last baby you held? My niece. Do you like Sunkist? The orange kind is fine, but the STRAWBERRY flavor? Jfc I love that shit. Would you ever consider being a cannibal? UM NO Do you have any scars from an animal? I have a lot of scars on my hands from playing with Roman. I scar extremely easily, so just his little scrapes leave marks. Have you ever seen an Igloo? No. Do you like Korn? Love 'em. How many animals do you have? Really two, but we have three in the house right now. Idk when this dog is going away. Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Tornados. Ever rode in a helicopter? No. Do you like rabbits? Yes, they're adorable. Do you like mushrooms? NO. What was the last movie you cried at? I want to say Logan, but I'm not sure. I watch movies so rarely that I really don't know. Would you rather work for a small or large company? Small. I'd feel more useful. What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I don't know. Have you ever read the book 13 Reasons Why? Yeah. I thought it was good, but now I don't remember like... anything about it. What did you have for breakfast this morning? I had apple and cinnamon oatmeal. How many times have you read your favorite book? Just once. I don't re-read books. Have you ever been on Omegle? No. Are you still in love with one of your exes? "In love," no. Do you think being born was a mistake? Yeesh, no. Has a relative ever been arrested? My psychotic uncle (by marriage) has been. Was it a serious crime? Quite honestly, I don't remember. I just know he's an angry and dangerous motherfucker. Do you think the Fountain of Youth exists? No. How about in a parallel dimension? Doubtful. Do you believe humans are part of a giant alien experiment? I ponder over the possibility of being a research simulation, kind of like a much advanced version of The Sims, but I honestly doubt it. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Was it a passing phase or is it something controlled by medication? Therapy and medication saved me. Is there a holiday you wish no one celebrated? Which is it? Why do you feel that way? Fight me about Christopher Columbus Day. He didn't discover shit. Have you taken any writing classes? How about art? I've taken a writing course in college, and I've taken loads of art classes. What’s your all-time favourite band? How about all-time fave singer? Ozzy Osbourne; Freddie Mercury. What three songs do you want played at your funeral? Why those particular songs? "Like A Woman" by Alice Cooper, "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx A.M., and "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory. I just like them and find them suiting. Do you think most mythological creatures exist? No. Have you ever had lice? No. What is one superstition that freaks you out? Why is that? I’m not superstitious. Are either of your parents retired yet and if not, what do they do? No. Dad is a mailman, and while Mom doesn't ~officially~ work yet because she's recovering from intense cancer treatment, she very recently resumed lightly cleaning a church for a small payment. Kinda like a warmup. When did you or do you want to move out of your parents’ house? I wanna move out once I'm in a long-term, stable relationship with someone so we can live together. Me living alone is NOT a good idea. How do you like your current job, or if you’re unemployed, have you been looking for employment? I don't have a job, but when I go to my tattoo appointment, I'm going to ask them if they'd be interested in hiring someone for the front desk. I think it's def something I could do because I love the environment, there's really not that much I need to know (like where the Doritos are, dealing with exact change, answering a dozen unique questions), it's not insanely busy, and the occasional phone call would challenge my anxiety and just be a minor inconvenience to me until I got used to it. My partial hospitalization program really got me wanting to fight back against what gives me anxiety, to truly expose myself to what scares me, while not going totally overboard with it. It was encouraging to hear my therapist there thought it was a magnificent idea for me. I decided I wanted to ask while at the parlor getting work done to show serious interest (like I'm not just some random chick walking in and asking for a job), as well as let the people warm up to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but damn am I wishing. I want it so badly. What kind of booze did you last take shots of? I've never taken shots.

[spiiderwiick]

Compared to the first day, in which they had a clown chomp on their hand, today had gone much smoother. They’d had the idea to set up a little blanket fort for her and later made many home-made circus tent jokes to themself. Patches had taken well to it and mostly remained in there, much like a cat hiding under a bed in a new home.

Wick had learned quickly that Patches had a thing about the idea of magic. She seemed genuinely unsettled by it. They found that odd given how clearly magic she was with her rainbow clown jelly, unnatural healing ability, not to mention the ability to get anywhere she pleased. They’d made a point to let anyone interacting with her know not to bring it up. At all. No magic allowed.

Patches had rediscovered her phone today and Wick had to very quickly come up with a mundane, non-magical reason that it works. They weren’t sure how old she was or what her current worldly perspective was, but they figured carrier pigeons and mailmen were a close enough analogy. She called it a birdbox. They nodded in agreement, it’s a birdbox.

Soon after, someone introduced her to cat videos, which thankfully took up most of the day, except for the parts where she ended up on a rabbit hole that took her to food videos and she started demanding fish and other tasty things. That was fine, they’d been wanting sushi lately anyway.

The day was winding down, the sun was setting and nothing had exploded. Wick wouldn’t ever truly let their guard down, not around Patches, but from the other side of the room, they were confident they could move quickly enough to outrun a baby.

They take a seat across from the blanket fort, leaning their back against the wall, “hey patches? you mind if i ask you a couple questions?”

Patches lifts the blanket curtain blocking the entrance to her lair. She doesn’t look terribly thrilled to be bothered, but since Wick has been feeding her, she’s willing to humor them, “What?”

Ah. They decide they need to tread carefully, “how uh.. how old are you? you seem kinda young to be out on your own.”

The clown narrows her eyes at them, “Dunno.”

Wick isn’t sure if she’s being difficult on purpose or if she genuinely doesn’t know. Even the Patches they knew was always vague with her age. They decide to try a different approach, “do you remember how many winters you’ve seen?”

“Winters..?” Her eyes drop to the floor in thought, “I think... Seven? I don’t like winter. It’s cold and there’s less food.”

Wick nods. Seven was a good ballpark, depending on the sort of critter Patches is, she might not remember her first year or two, most seemed to lose those early on. They’d hazard a guess at her being eight or nine. Still absolutely a baby, even if not a literal toddler, “yeah? yeah.. it’s not so bad here at least. what was.. what is your home like?”

“I don’t have one.” Her frown returns, “I never had one.”

They can feel their heart breaking with every little detail Patches reveals, and have to keep reminding themself about who she is when she grows up. Regardless of how they try to help her now, she’s almost assuredly going to return to her usual awful self later. They already knew the answer to their question, “really? what about family?”

Patches shakes her head, “I came outta an egg but I never saw another monster like me. I am all by myself.”

“then where.. where in the world have you been living?”

She crawls a little further out of her fort to sit on the floor, “Everywhere. I sleep in trees and in alleys and sometimes hide out in people’s houses when it’s too cold or rainy. Sometimes I can even get away with taking their food before they can catch me!”

Wick is only mildly perturbed by her sense of pride at that. They’ve read enough novels about kids on the run, on their own, “you just scavenge for food wherever you can get it, huh?”

“Or I hunt.” Patches lifts her head and those round pupils thin a bit into predatory slits at the thought, “I’m really good at hunting!”

“heh.. i bet you’ve got lots of practice.” Wick does not like the way they’re being watched all of a sudden, “you just hunt whatever you can catch, yeah?”

Patches nods, “I’m really good at catching rabbits and squirrels and birds and people and fish and stuff.”

Wick’s expression falls, “...people?”

“Uh-huh!” Patches doesn’t see anything wrong with this and hops up onto her feet in her excitement, “They try to hurt me sometimes, cause I stole food or something from them! They wanna do bad things but I don’t let ‘em! Sometimes.. They try to catch me cause they think I’m just a weak little kid but I show ‘em! And then I’m not hungry for a lil bit either!!”

Somehow, the news that she’s killing and eating people in self defense doesn’t seem to make Wick any less anxious, “w-well, that’s. not very nice of them at all, is it?” Oh they want to abort this conversation so badly. How can they leave?

“They say they’re good people cause I’m evil.” Patches is staring right at them with those glowing red eyes of hers, “Cause I’m a monster.. But you said I’m not evil.”

Goddamnit they did say that. Or something close enough to it. They choose their next words very, very carefully and slowly, “being evil is.. a choice. it’s something you choose with your actions, not something you inherently are.” They pause, “plenty of people who say they’re good and think they’re the purest person on earth do evil things.” And you Patches, have been choosing to do many evil things, even as a baby, apparently.

The clown seems confused by this, it looks like she’s thinking hard about things. After what feels like an eternity to Wick, she speaks, “You think I’m evil, don’t you?”

Yes, yes they do, but they shake their head in response, “i- don’t think.... i don’t think i know enough about your situation to judge whether or not you're evil.” They are growing increasingly anxious with the way she’s staring at them, “i think.. killing and eating people is wrong.. even if you are doing it in self defense, two wrongs don’t make a right. it’d be better to just.. you know. do something to get ‘em to let you go like bite them really good?”

Patches ears flatten defensively, “I’ve tried that!! They just get madder and try to hurt me worse!!!”

Of course she had, Wick thinks, she’d bit them pretty good when she was feeling threatened. She already had a concept of warning people to leave her alone. That last sentence did remind them of a question they’d wanted to know, and.. Maybe it would be a way to steer the conversation away from eating people, “hurt you? i’d heard a rumor you couldn’t feel pain.. which is kinda silly sounding to say out loud, it can’t be true, right?”

A rumor? Maybe this place wasn’t as far from “home” as she thought, if they knew things about her that she hadn’t told them. That did explain why the man the other night knew her given name, “That’s stupid. You’re stupid. Being hurt hurts. Who told you that?”

That was interesting news. Wick shrugs, thankful for their years of acting training to lean on as they improvise and try not to look too freaked, “some rando from the birdbox. guess they were full of it though. why would someone think you don’t feel pain?”

Patches steps back a bit and her long tail curls close as if she’s worried someone might try to grab it, “Cause... I’m a monster.. And when I get hurt it goes away... But it still hurts until it goes away.”

“you can.. heal yourself? that’s pretty cool.” Hm.. Maybe they should show her a certain movie, one they know she’s referenced in regards to her healing before.

“Cool..? You think that’s cool?” She sounds hopeful, like this is some of the first validation she’s received in her life. For all they know, maybe it actually is.

“yeah? i think all that magic stuff is pretty neat.” Oh. They said the M word. They are full of regret before she can even react.

At first, she doesn’t react, she just freezes up. Patches.exe has encountered a problem, would you like to end the program? When she does speak it’s quiet, barely above a whisper. Wick is afraid to ask for her to speak up because they don’t know if they want to know what she said. They don’t get a choice, “I’m. Not. Magic. I’m a monster. I’m a scary evil monster. I’m not magic.”

“hey- hey it’s- it’s okay. i’m probably wrong. it just- sounds like- something magical. it’s-” They’re at a loss for words. They don’t get it. Why is magic such a bad thing to her? Maybe they should just ask, “is.. why are you- why don’t you like magic?”

“It’s bad.” That’s it. That’s all the reply she gives them. It’s bad. Magic bad.

Somewhere in their terror, something clicks, “and you don’t.. want people to think you’re bad? or.. treat you any worse than they already do?”

The penny drops when Patches nods. She’s a product of her times. Magic is bad and scary and they need to burn the witch. She’s just as scared of the idea of magic as anyone else would have been from her time, and she’s magic herself.

“okay.. patches, i need you to listen to me.. magic- it’s. it’s just like monsters. it’s only bad if someone chooses to use it to do bad things. it’s not some inherently evil thing on its own.” When it doesn’t look like she believes them, they continue, only fumbling a little, “there is nothing evil about healing magic, for example. healing is in the name! it’s good, it’s healthy. it makes people better! i don’t think it’s even possible to do evil with healing magic”

They know it is possible because Patches uses her magic for evil things all the time. Or at least uses the knowledge that she can rely on it as an excuse to take normally life-threatening risks when it comes to ruining other people’s lives. None of that matters in this moment, talking to a kid scared of.. Apparently herself.

Said kid doesn’t look convinced, but Wick is opening new doors as they try to liken it to the monster conversation, “Then why does everyone say it’s bad? Why does it hurt more?”

What?

“hurt.. more?” Another nod from Patches. Wick is not an expert in magic, they didn’t even think magic was real in their world. Assuming Patches is from their world and didn’t hop over here one day on a whim, it would mean magic was real and secret and probably a lot easier to abuse that way.

“that.. sounds like.. someone really wanted to hurt you. maybe that someone was evil, or thought they were doing good by trying to hurt you. people.. don’t always like things they don’t understand. magic ‘n monsters both. it’s easier for them to call those things bad and be afraid of ‘em than to take the time to learn about them.”

While that doesn’t make Patches look any happier, some of the confusion and worry seems to fade, “Why aren’t you afraid?”

Because they’ve lived most of the past year in constant fear of murder clowns and baby murder clowns are a lot less scary, “i think.. if i’d met you a year ago, i’d probably be pretty freaked out, honestly, but i’ve met a lot of nice monsters recently, learned magic was real and not scary. it’s.. actually incredible. some of it really beautiful to watch.”

Wick can tell at a glance how full of doubt she still is, “why don’t you give it a chance? maybe you’ll be surprised.” They glance at their bandaged hand, “i have an idea.. why don’t i let someone use some healing magic on me? to show you that it’s not so scary and can be good.”

Bold of them to allow someone to use magic on them, she thinks, but better them than her. A short nod before she retreats into the safety of her fort. The red slit peeping out from the darkness is the only indication that she’s waiting for them to follow through.

With a small sigh, Wick pulls out their phone. Time to call in a friend.

[shyly-yours]

not too obvious

notes: was inspired by a reddit snapshot. it’s really quite adorable.

---

“Quick, let me hold your hand!”

“Sora, I’m eating lunch--”

“I only have five minutes to feel everybody’s hand before I have to make my next delivery!”

Lea put down his chopsticks inside the Cheeto’s bag he was holding. He wasn’t five anymore and did not appreciate cheesy powder clinging to his clean hands. “First, gross. Second, do I even--hey!”

Sora took Lea’s free hand and interlaced their fingers in a firm hold for several seconds. The hungry man learned the best tactic to any Sora brand shenanigans was to let it play out, and then bail when it looked like government enforcement got involved. “I would say you should buy me dinner first, but I kind of think Riku would have a problem with his boyfriend of four years taking out his ex-lover on a date.”

“No, this isn’t right either,” Sora mumbled and then sighed while letting Lea go. “I’ve held at least a hundred hands today and none of them are right!”

Shaking out his released digits, Lea set down his Cheeto’s, leaned forward on the table they were currently occupying, placed his elbows on the surface, and put his head onto his folded hands. “Well, if we’re doing hand counts now--instead of bodies--I can positively say you’ve actually one upped me for once. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’ve done Kairi, Ventus, Roxas, Terra, and Xehanort--”

“Maybe, check, check, check, and what the fuck.”

“--and none of them feel right.” Sora ruffled his spikes as he sighed. “Why are you the only one here? I was hoping to feel Isa’s hand before he left for band practice. Did he leave already?!”

“It’s a holiday, dumbass. How did you even get in here? The shop isn’t open--waaait, did you make copies of the key I gave you years back?”

“There’s no time for questions, Lea! It’s imperative you tell me where Isa is!!”

“I’m not telling you where my other half is if you’re just going to molest him like you did me.”

“What?! I did NOT--”

“Sora? What are you doing here?” Namine’s sweet voice asked from the break room doorway. “Doesn’t Riku have a show tonight? You’re usually with him when he does.”

“Let me hold your hand!”

----

There was a talent show at a convention Sora took Riku to that one time. They were dressed as popular video game characters that Riku had no clue about, but he would do just about anything for Sora (well, okay, he would do anything for Sora), and they received positive comments everywhere they went. Therefore, it was easy for Sora to persuade Riku into a duet to “give the people what they want”. It was a wonderful memory Riku cherished very much. 

He has to remind himself that Sora didn’t orchestrate Riku being discovered by an attending talent agency representative. Riku thought it was a joke at first--he was a good singer, but he didn’t think it would necessitate things like recording contracts or publicity interviews. He wasn’t so far gone into stardom that he needed a bodyguard to protect him from invading paparazzi. He was in that sweet spot of having gained enough notoriety to be recognized once or twice while buying toilet paper with his cute boyfriend at the local supermarket. 

It’s just... most of the good things to happen in Riku’s life are usually associated with Sora. It took him a while to recognize self sabotage and learning to take time-outs when haunting thoughts resurfaced before old habits reverted him back to a person Riku didn’t like. Sora met him at this stage in his life--a chapter where Riku looked at gift horses in the mouth and manipulated the situation into a disaster before anybody else could ruin it. Despite fading into a toxic shell, Sora remained his friend, eventually a best friend, and coaxed Riku back “into the light” where Sora knew he belonged. Such a genuine person deserved somebody who didn’t occasionally hiccup, right?

“So when are you planning on asking him?”

Riku and Kairi sat side-by-side on the edge of the amphitheater stage. “You don’t think it’s too soon to ask him to marry me?”

Kairi shoved Riku’s shoulder with hers and said in a disbelieving tone, “Are you seriously asking my opinion about whether or not you should ask Sora, our impulsive and reckless and dearly beloved Sora who you have been dating and living with for a while now--”

“Only because I was getting evicted!”

“--who, might I also add, has been deeply in love with you since the day you two first met--”

“You just said he’s impulsive and reckless. I don’t know if I’ve been complimented or insulted.”

“--and whether or not you should marry him?”

Kairi stared.

“...the jury’s still out?”

And then smacked Riku upside the head.

----

What’s fascinating about the world of Sora is that he inherently knows when the time is right. His mother always told him to follow his heart when it came to the facts of life and making tough choices. Leaving Destiny Islands behind was an internal struggle, but a necessary change as Sora felt the universe calling him elsewhere. He made new friends, reunited with other adventuring islanders, and eventually landed in the energetic hubbub of Radiant Garden.

This is where he met Riku, one of the adventuring islanders Sora was surprised existed (although now he knows better than think he was the first to venture away from Destiny Islands). It wasn’t obvious then, but Sora’s heart knew Riku would always be a part of his life. Now to find the correct hand measurement for the ring he wanted to buy to further cement Riku’s permanency in his world.

“I’m really exhausted trying to find Cinderella’s shoe--”

“We made a list of code words, Sora, and you’re still sticking to this one?!”

“--and I’m not going to give up until I find the right hand, but Aqua I’m really starting to freak out here. LOOK OUT I’M COMING THROUGH!”

Sora threw his cellphone into the bicycle basket in order to put both of his hands onto the handlebars for better swerve control. Exclamations and shocked shouts were hollered in his direction both from walking pedestrians and his mobile. Sora was never meant to multitask at any capacity no matter his stubbornness to improve his lack of skill. Riku said Sora must have been born under a new moon to have been inhibited with so much chaos. 

“SORA! What’s happening?!”

Out of harms way and coming up to his final destination, Sora plucked his cell out of the basket and resumed his conversation. “Sorry, Aqua! Yen Sid’s Bao buns have been really popular today and he called me in to help with deliveries before Riku’s concert tonight!”

Aqua sighed in disapproval. “I really wish you wouldn’t talk and drive, Sora.”

“It hasn’t been that bad today! I only crashed once and it was smooth sailing up until just a minute ago.”

“So let’s reset the accident calendar to ‘zero days since last incident’, shall we?”

“Can we focus on what’s really important right now?”

“Oh! You mean you don’t want to discuss the state of your health and well-being? Because I have a mountain of evidence that says there should have been an intervention weeks ago.”

It was Sora’s turn to sigh. “Okay, I hear you Aqua! I need to take better care of myself! No need to mother hen me into an early grave.”

“I love you, Sora, but how does that even make sense?”

“Listen,” Sora grabbed the last take-out bag, walked up to the townhouse front door, and knocked. “I haven’t found a hand that resembles Riku’s and if I don’t get the ring size for the jeweler soon, tonight will be ruined. Well, not ruined-ruined because Riku is perfect and wonderful and his show is going to be GREAT but, like, I want to be married to him already, Aqua!”

The last part of Sora’s tirade came out whiny and the person who answered his knock heard every single syllable. “Um...”

“Oh! Hello, my name’s Sora and I’m your delivery service today! Oh behalf of Heavenly Buns we thank you for your order!”

“I thought you were joking when you said that was the name of Yen Sid’s restaurant,” Aqua mumbled to herself.

The patron smiled at Sora’s enthusiasm. “Awesome! I paid over the app already, but, um, give me a sec to get get you a tip.”

Already on the edge of despair from time’s harsh reality, Sora glanced at his wristwatch (anniversary gift) and said, “It’s totally okay! Your thanks is enough!”

“No, no, no, I have my wallet nearby. I used to work as a pizza delivery guy and I know how hard this job can be,” the customer said. He grabbed his food and left to find the aforementioned wallet leaving Sora to awkwardly stand on his doorstep.

“It’s nice to know there’s still decent people around,” his phone crackled. 

Biting his lip nervously, Sora sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, I’m really anxious about getting his ring in time and, well...”

“I’m listening.”

“...him saying yes.”

Sora couldn’t see her, but Aqua has been his confident throughout this excursion and he knew she was softly smiling. “Sora... do you want me to list all of the reasons why he is going to say yes to you like Kairi? Or do you want me to sprout endless quips like Lea until you finally get it knocked into your brain?”

“Um, how about some mother henning like Aqua?” It was Sora’s worst kept secret that he gravitated towards his friends that had strong maternal qualities when he had an episode. It was his quiet way of remembering his mother who passed two years earlier.

Sora heard a change of background noise and the click of a door shutting. He imagined Aqua stepped outside of her house as she tended to do that to better focus on serious conversations. “I may not have known you two from the beginning of your relationship, but I rarely see a person look at you the way Riku does every time you’re both in the same room together, Sora. You might not notice, but Riku is always making sure you’re comfortable first before he takes care of his own needs. He’s a dependable young man that cherishes the heart you have given him and he will always protect it from harm. It actually makes me jealous you found somebody that compatible in midst of your uncontrollable life.”

Rubbing at his eyes, Sora released a surprised laugh. Shakily, he said, “Riku worked hard to become the person he is now. He just needed somebody to believe in him to start creating the future he has now. I mean, he’s going to the next biggest pop star, Aqua! I can’t let him be tied down with me when his career hasn’t even started yet!”

“You’re doing it again, Sora.”

“...doing what?”

“Not believing in you. He won’t say no because he suddenly has a new life ahead of him. He’ll only say no if this isn’t something you want. Which, by the way ding-dong, are you already forgetting how passionate you were about wanting to be ‘married to him already’?”

“But what if he doesn’t want this?!”

“Then you will come to my place and we will hash it out over some moscato while Kairi and Lea wreak hell upon his person until he see’s sense again.”

“I don’t want him forced into marrying me, Aqua! That’s got to be illegal in several countries if not all of them!”

A throat cleared behind Sora. “Uh,” it was the customer back with the promised munny. “That sounds like a really interesting conversation you got going on there, buddy.”

Sora turned red in embarrassment. “Well, uh...” in for a penny, in for a pound. “Just, y’know, having an internal crisis about whether or not my almost famous boyfriend wants to settle down with,” Sora paused and gestured to himself, “this.”

Caught in the moment with this exchange of words, Sora barely heard Aqua on his phone, “I know you just didn’t call yourself a ‘this’. That is the equivalent of ‘it’ and you are worth so much more than that.”

The client clearly had no idea what to do. “Oh, well, um, good luck with that?” He shoved his fistful of munny at Sora. “And here! Thank you again for the delivery!”

Sora looked at the patron’s outstretched hand and froze.

“...Are you... are you okay?”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“...What?”

“Your hand! Can I hold it just for a quick second, please? I promise this isn’t for something weird--well, it’s a weird request, yes I know, because you don’t know me--well, you kind of do because I told you my name, but I don’t know yours! What’s your name? WAIT, that’s not important right now!  Please help me propose to my boyfriend who I love very much?!” Sora looked at the guy with the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster. Considering the emotional rollercoaster he has been through recently it didn’t take much effort on his part.

The guy’s eyes widened as he considered calling for help. “Look, can you please just take the munny and go? My buns are getting cold.”

“I’ll pay for your dinner if you just hold my hand for a few seconds, sir, and I promise you’ll never see or hear from me again! Unless you wanna be friends!!”

“...Okay, I guess?”

Relieved, Sora set his phone down onto the townhouse banister and reached for his wallet to pull out munny. Elsewhere, Aqua facepalmed in exasperation. Sora was a sweet kid, truly, but his eccentric approach to life is why Lea purchased the accident calendar to go next to the tally marks of how many new friends Sora makes in a week. Sometimes their group makes bets.

Aqua smiled when she heard Sora’s shout of excitement on the other end of the line (and casually overlooked the distressed sound from the ex-pizza man).

----

note: part one of two...?

[unpretentiousblogging]

My first suicide note

Don’t worry, this isn’t THE note, merely me reminiscing about what WAS my first note. And anyway, starting my actual suicide note with ‘first’ would be extremely stupid and already declaring defeat...which is ironic, since, you know, suicide is declaring defeat from life in general. 

Oh god. I do this a lot. Use poor humour to deflect from my obviously concerning thoughts. But anyway, it’s fine.Back to topic. (side note; there was no humour in my first suicide note. Hmm. Maybe I should incorporate that in the next one...joke. Maybe.Hopefully. Idk)

Anyway, first suicide note. Ah yes. I was fifteen.It was..2014? I don’t really remember much of it or the details surrounding that year. Just that it was angry and sad and vengeful and full of so much...hurt.Against everyone.My friends.My enemies. My mother. 

Ah. My mother. A recurring character in every suicide note I’ve ever written. It’s not her fault. She is not per say a bad person. But more on that later. This isn’t about her. This is about my suicide note and how it ended up being the first one.

A lot had been leading up to it. I should probably avoid saying the work depressed since I wasn't clinically diagnosed, but a bitch isn’t dumb. Or I mean, she is. But not in this case. You know when you spend the better part of two months not talking to anyone and experience the crushing pressure of this giant, pressing hollowness gnawing-ness that stays there no matter what you do, that THAT isn’t normal. Or at least, it wasn’t to me.

Tbh, I don’t understand much of it. That feeling. What caused it. Why it became such a significant part of my being. I was just in a negative head space. I had suddenly become hyper aware of the farce in everyone’s interaction with me. I detested that I couldn’t study what I wanted to. I had just...a lot going on. 

And also, truthfully, I think I had been using too much Tumblr. I would see this constant downpour of emaciated, beautiful girls talking about sadness as skinny white boys with cigarettes dangling from the corner of their mouths would tenderly hold them and I guess I internalised that this was what it took to be loved and also all that life had to offer.

Love. What a funny thing I chase after.So uninterested but also so extremely curious. Sigh.

Also, funny how the very platform that propelled me into the state I was then, is what I have chosen to come back to while meandering somewhere similar to that state. Not really funny,but what did I say..force of habbit. 

Anyway, back to story. I was sad.Really sad. And angry. And the final straw was the fight with my mom. I don’t remember what it was about. Not important. Just that I realised that I didn’t want my life anymore. Any life for that matter.

So, how does a 15 year old, kill herself? Or well, try to. Because, suuurprise. It obviously didn’t work. I didn’t die. (yet) Or I wouldn’t be ‘’killing time’’ (haha) by writing this.

Well,didn’t own a gun.not smart enough to figure out how strangulation worked.House not tall enough for free falling from roof to cause desired effect. Too much of a wimp to cut veins.

The only other logical explanation was to ingest some poison. Painless. Bound to achieve results without risking grotesquely convulsing my appearance in the way that free falling or burning would do should the fail to work.

Now, we didn’t have any poison lying around the house but I remember how popularised the video of the Amanda Todd suicide was and how she mentioned drinking bleach to kill herself. So, my manic self rushed to the bathroom in search for my poison.

Unfortunately, I could find no bleach. So,I reached out for the next best thing. This anti acne product I had bought from Shams recently. It was pretty expensive and barely used but since I was going to die anyway,what was the point of me being careful with this overpriced bottle of skin care.

Yes, I decided to die by gulping down a bottle of a beautification product for my skin. Not only is that highly improbable but I think about it and snicker at the fact that is basically a twist on the whole ‘eat makeup to become prettier on the inside’ joke. I was basically annihilating all the blemishes on my inside by ingesting that bottle of toner. Pretty funny, if you think about it. Or just me?

To be fair, at the time, I didn’t think it was. I legitimately thought I was going to die.With my eyes sputtering out a tsunami of tears,I guzzled the colourless liquid from the transparent bottle and drank till there was only around 20 percent left. 

The whole thing rushing down my windpipe in one giant gulp. The second I was done with this I started freaking out. My throat burned and I felt this warm, icky wave of nausea steadily creep up on me.

You see, I stupidly didn’t wager that it would take so long.My juvenile brain had been expecting the job to be done quick and painlessly. This was neither and now my paranoid brain started whizzing like an unstoppable slot machine. I started panicking, remembering this post I had read online by this guy who recounted how his failed attempt at ingesting pills for suicide resulted in a highly painful stomach pumping experience and a life time of painful and uncomfortable digestion. I wasn’t prepared for that.I couldn’t not die and also end up with more issues on top of the ones I already did.

In a mad rush against time, I scrambled to get my phone and performed a quick Google search-what to do if you eat poison. The most frequently suggestions were to call poison control and to induce vomiting. Since, I couldn't really do the first one, I made way to the toilet and thankfully to my minor stint with bulimia (and they said eating disorders aren’t useful, pfft) , I knew exactly how to do the latter. Quickly, I shoved my fingers down my throat and attempted to force my alimentary canal to defy gravity. I alternated between this and ramming my toothbrush down my mouth and lo and behold, spurts of translucent chemical gush forth from my mouth like a faulty tap. 

At this point, I had progressed to full blown sobbing. I wasn’t able to successfully eliminate all the toxic liquid from my body and the purge had just resulted with me hiccuping incessantly and my stomach gurgling uncontrollably. Also, my mouth had a horrible aftertaste. Overall, I felt repulsive and sick and also glaringly aware of my soon to be (in my head) death.

In my misery studded mind, I made peace with my fate and decided that were I to to die, I had to make sure I hurt everyone who ever hurt me just as much as. I wanted them to feel guilty. Afterall, my death couldn’t just end with a bunch of people feeling sorry for me and the people who had done me wrong to not experience any of the anguish I had. So, I put pen to paper and began to scribble on an old English paper-my first suicide letter.

At the time, I didn’t know it was to be my first, of course. I thought it was my one and only. I dedicated this atrocious piece of writing to virtually everyone who meant anything to me in my life. Ex best friend? Obviously mentioned. Brother? Definitely to blame. Friend who cared but not enough? Special shout out.

But the star of the show, the main dedication of the bitterness fuelled literary rampage was  one person-my lovely mother. Like I said, not a bad person.  But just not compatible with me, to put it nicely. Anyway, the body of this letter revolved around her and how all the events of my interactions with her had materialised into this blame. If any one was to be guilt ridden after this entire ordeal, I wanted to make sure that it was her. 

Everyone else got a few sentences or a paragraph, but my mom, well she got pages and pages of my teen angst and venom against her. In fact, the opening of this abysmal note started off with something like, ‘’In case I don’t wake up tomorrow’’ (I wasn’t sure how effective the ‘’poison’’ would be. In hindsight, not at all), ‘’ you (mother) should know that YOU are to blame for all of this’’.

Pretty dramatic, am I right? Anyway, I don’t really remember more of what happened in the note, but basically, you get the idea of how it went, ok? 

So, yeah, after penning that intense piece of literature, I willed myself to go to sleep and hopefully die painlessly in my slumber. Or not. I wasn’t sure at this point whether I wanted to survive or not. Probably the most anxious sleep I was getting. After all, I didn’t know whether I was going to wake up the next morning or not.

Spoiler alert: I did. With relief.

And I tore up the note immediately. I think my mother had already read some of it but I am not sure if I remember entirely. I recall sitting in the car with her as she drove and a passing mention was made of it and all I said was that I had written a story in my notebook. And that was it. Did she believe me? Or did she simply not care enough? Or maybe her brain could not even begin to register that I was capable of performing such an abominable task. I don’t know. I wonder though, if she ever stays up at night wondering about what it meant. What any of it was.

I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even remember. I do. 

And that, brings to a complete, the pointless rambling of me and my first suicide note. 

good bye.

(we’ve reached the end. im not gonna go kill myself...right now. lol. maybe/ ok bye)

[smoresmoresmore]

Will edit later

I just have to say

I was possibly exposed to Rabies and came to Tumblr for help and advice and was THOROUGHLY AND DISTURBINGLY DISAPPOINTED WITH THE RABIES TAG.

Omg

I was convinced I was going to die and searching anything Rabies related was UNHELPFUL AF. Not judging but y'all did not help lol.

Very long explanation of why I thought I was going to die:

Waking up to a bat (2 nights in a row) is not automatic cause to assume you will die but it is, I found out after talking to the Dept. Of Agriculture and their Epidemiologist, an immediate cause to go straight to the ER and get shot up with the vaccine and immunoglobulin so you DON'T POTENTIALLY DIE. It is not something the doctors can argue against and it is not something you should postpone. Especially since I was "under the influence" (Nyquil) at the time and even less likely to notice if I had gotten scratched or bitten. My being unaware was the key point in the urgency of going to the ER.

The ER doc was highly annoyed I knew just what to say ("I woke up with a bat in my face") and he grumpily admitted he was bound to follow CDC protocol. His annoyance was so obvious he repeatedly told me how unlikely it was I was bit and explained how "intense" the shots would be. I assume he felt the medicine could be put to better use on someone who was 100% sure and/or was injured. When I asked him what would happen to me if I WAS bitten and didn't get the shot like he wanted, he sighed and admitted "Well, you die."

"Well, shoot me up, doc!"

That night I got 7 shots. One in my arm, which hurt so bad--I guess because my nurse was new and may habe gone too deep because the subsequent shots I have gotten in the same arm haven't been anywhere near as painful-- and 6 in my buttcheeks. 3 in each.

Waking up from my Nyquil coma to a bat in my face was not fun. I had never related to those movie scenes of people screaming and running around afraid if bats. But jessuz. They are fast. And this one was swooping around my living room and deliberately getting super close to me. I had to hide under my blanket and in my fevered state this made me sweat. Trying to herd it to my now opened windows did not help. I tried to call police, fireman andnanimal control; the 1st two were useless and the 3rd was not open at 1am.

Eventually I reached out to my townie facebook group and got advice. White towels attract them. Or make it dark and quiet and hide--I did this as I was not going to run around with a towel in my undies like that video--which worked. 2 very concerned people urged me to go to a doctor.

"You say you have flu-like symptoms and a constant fever and you sleep in that room a lot. You really need to go to the ER. Rabies is so dangerous."

And after 2 nights of dealing with bats and my fever spiking right around the time they show up, I existed in a dark hole of stress. So much so that the second morning I woke up to my hand twitching erratically and my thumb muscle spasming and I started bawling. I had already gotten the shots the day before so I knew if I encountered anything rabid I should be okish (I still had 3 more to go before I was fully protected) but now, with my glitchy hand, I was panicking about "WHAT IF I ALREADY HAD IT?!"

Urgent Care had ruled out Strep twice for my odd sickness and had assured me I have a random virus and to just stay in bed for a few days. Which I had been doing faithfully, before getting bored and moving to my livingroom nest. I like to sleep in there a lot and often do when the weather is nice. I just made sure to drink water and tea and get sunlight and all the things. Including Nyquil. But my fevers were getting worse. I was feeling like crap. And now what we all assumed to be A Normal Virus was morphing into my worst nightmare.

Probably egged on by 101 temperatures, I called around until someone was willing to explaon to me whether I was dying or not. Getting told "You'll be fine. It is SO RARE," did not calm me down. I needed someone to explain how the long incubation period (months to a year) and symptoms (flu like, emotional, twitchy) did not match me.

I slept in that room on accident and on purpose since moving in almost 9 months ago. I'm a heavy sleeper and don't wake up easily. Iffff I had been bitten during one of my all-nighters doing math homework or essay writing, it makes sense I would suddenly get a random "virus" that isn't going away. I had it all worked out in my head. I was getting headaches in the sun and stores. I forced myself outside and out and about when I felt ok because fuck it if I was going to let this be a symptom I had. I was getting anxious in the shower but, knowing fear of water was a symptom, I forced myself to stay in it. (Turns out my paranoia was right. The water was starting to be hard and my skin was breaking out. It is very annoying. The timing was just horrendous)

All the doctors and nurses kindly told me I was safe since I had started the shots but no one had an answer for me when I asked if they helped if I hadddd it already. They weren't sure. The amount of information they have or are willing to share is astonishingly low.

After 2 hours of phone tag I was finallly able to get an appointment with an Infectious Disease Doctor. She told me that if I did have it there was no real evidence about the vaccine helping, especially since I had only had the first dose at that point. She told me it would be fast though and they couldn't tell until "you're foaming at the mouth." She asked to look in my mouth and when I told her about my drooliness she said to let her know if it got worse. She asked about my hand. I told her. She asked about numbness and I freaked cuz my arm did go numb at one point.

I askwd her about tests. I had read that there were a few--spinal fluid, spit, blood--that were not really reliable. She said since I had the vaccine and immunoglobulin in my system already they would show up and it would be pointless.

My only option was to wait. And chill. And try not to dwell on the fact that there is no answer or cure or way to find out if I should plan my trip to Oregon and die or if I should allow my boyfriend to visit me.

He was firmly in the You Don't Have Rabies camp and came over anyway to feed me soup and hang out. But I refused to kiss him. It made him very sad and probably extremely exasperated.

My boss was so done with me when he asked if I could come in the next day. "Sasha. You cannot have Rabies. Just come to work. You'll be fine." And I realized how crazy I sounded but I still warned all my coworkers.

Anyway, my lowgrade fever continued, my twitchiness stopped, my drooling stopped, my water was hard so I avoided the shower but cleaned my good bits, and once I doubled up my water intake my headaches disappeared. I went into a mini death spiral for a day but decided to force myself into believing I was fine.

When I started getting confused and fainty, I bought Iron supplements. When I started getting angry and anxious, I called my friends and got distracted. When it was time to get another shot, I made sure to update everyone of the weirdness Just In Case.

One nurse took the time to sit me down and listwn. That's really all I needed since no one had answers. I just needed my mind soothed and concerns not dismissed. She couldn't explain the muscle spasm but could definitely see why I was freaking out. She was the one who tested me for peace of mind. She looked into Lyme disease. She found my anemia. She explained that the amount of time that had elapsed made her sure I was going to be ok. She had watched people die in Africa from this and shw said it happens So Fast it is tragic. I would not be able to organize a trip to Oregon to die. I would become incoherent and slip away within days.

That was what I needed. A timeframe. A legit explanation of what it looks like and how it happens. And why I don't fit. This whole time I had been wondering how to tell my friends. Whether I could write all their numbers down in case I couldnt function enough to call them or remember my phone password. I was planning on cleaning my apartment so good so the landlord couldn't bash me when I was bouncing off the walls and hissing at him. I was deciding who I really needed to contact and who I could live without wasting breath on. I was planning a goodbye party. I told all 3 of my lovers ("´hey, I have this thing there is no real test for while you're alive but there is once you die so you can't get tested, and you may have it so got get shot up but no one is sure if that will help much," but I did tell them and it was hilarious to them. My favorite response being "RIP" and "F") And this all had put me in such a dark place that, coupled with a few shitty days at work with my bully of a manager, I also asked for a psych person to visit me after the Rabies shot.

After her talk I was like, oh. Thank godddd. And kinda annoyed at having to wait an extra hour in the ER for a talk that could wait til morning. But I chatted with rhem and asked for referral to a shrink since this had just highlighted how much I need help with my anxiety. Especially since the temporary issue of Rabies was being resolved but my cruel manager was still going to exist now that I was going to survive this beef with nature. It was nice to think of that way "my rabies beef is getting cooked" and the pscyh lady got me help. So that was nice. I just mainly needed to get healthy again so I could

I mean. Almostbarelybutnotreally facing a cruel death was a great way to look at life and reflect on some things. There are messes I am not at fault for, messes I avoid that I shouldn't, people and things I value and the objects that matter to me more than others for ridiculous reasons. I was so grateful to the staff for putting up with me. And for you for reading.

All of this just to say

Circle circle dot dot

Soon I get my last Rabies Shot

[lachlantrash]

I'm your lock screen?"

"Wanna do a livestream with me, guys?" Preston says, walking into his living room where you and Lachlan are laying down together, watching reruns of Friends on the tv.

"I'm down, I'm so bored right now." You laugh, sitting up so you're not laying on Lachlan's chest anymore.

"What, cuddling with me is getting old?" Lachlan laughs, making you roll your eyes. "I'm kidding, and sure Preston just give me a second to find a shirt." He adds, getting off the couch.

"I'm sure the fans would rather have you shirtless, it's fine man." Preston laughs, taking the seat where Lachlan was previously sitting and putting his laptop on the coffee table.

"They probably would enjoy the view babe!" You call as Lachlan ignores both you and Preston, walking down the hall to the guest bedroom. "We can get started without him." You suggest to Preston, not wanting to fall into an uncomfortable silence.

"That's a good idea." He agrees, turning his laptop on and getting a youtube livestream going. "Hey guys, Preston here and as we all know, the Australian lovebirds Lachlan and (Y/N) are staying here in Texas with me for a week, and we decided to do a livestream for just you guys. Lachlan had to go do something really quick, but (Y/N)'s here right now." Preston says, smile on his face as he interacts with his fanbase.

"Hey guys, all Lachlan's doing is putting a shirt on... Even though Preston and I both think you guys would appreciate it more if he didn't." You say, scooting closer to Preston so you're in frame. "Babe, people in the comments think you should come back shirtless!" You shout to Lachlan, hoping he can hear you. He steps out of the room a second later, a blue t-shirt already on. "Awe guys, he didn't listen. Don't worry, one day I'll show you shirtless Lachlan." You promise as Lachlan sits beside you, wrapping one arm over your shoulder.

"You would think my girlfriend wouldn't want hundreds of people seeing me shirtless." Lachlan says, waving to the camera.

"I mean, they'd only get to see the upper half...Everything below that is mine." You hum, making Preston laugh before covering his mouth.

"(Y/N)! Keep it pg, this is live on my channel." He scolds, trying to hold back his laugh.

"We've never really been a pg couple Preston, but for you we'll try." Lachlan promises on your behalf. "Let's read some comments, yeah? See what they want."

"Well we're going to ignore all of the ones telling you two to kiss and makeout, it's not really gonna happen on my channel... If you guys want that I know that Rob has a video where if you look in the background, you can see these two idiots making out." Preston laughs.

"That was before the internet knew we were together, Rob exposed us." You sigh. "Actually, all of you exposed us, your coffee house video make things pretty obvious Preston." You say, jokingly accusing him.

"Uh, comments... Preston, be honest. How often do Lachy and (Y/N) fight?" Preston reads, quick to change the subject. "Honestly, they don't really fight. Like okay, obviously they've fought and Lachlan told me all the fun details about it, but they don't fight often at all. Like there's so many things that (Y/N) could get pissed at Lachlan for doing but she just... Doesn't. Maybe they do fight a lot and just hide it well, I don't know." Preston shrugs.

"I do a lot of things that could piss her off? What, is she just perfect and never does anything wrong?" Lachlan laughs.

"Well yeah, she's a keeper, there's no way you're staying pissed at her long if she ever even pisses you off. You're like, a lovesick puppy with her dude. Guys, none of you even know what kind of texts I get about this girl right here, or snaps I get of her where he's just gushing at how magnificent she is and how in love he is. It's kinda sickingly cute." Preston laughs. You look at Lachlan, a giggle escaping your mouth at the blush appearing on his skin.

"Awe, babe." You laugh, placing a kiss on one of his blushing cheeks. "Don't worry, all my friends get gushy snaps and texts about you too." You say, a smile on your face as you start scanning the comments. "Is Preston still single?" You read, a laugh as you look over at Preston.

"Of course I am, I mean I'm not going to settle for a relationship if it's not comparable to (Y/S/N). Maybe I'll never find love." He sighs dramatically.

"There will never be a relationship comparable to (Y/N) and I, Mitch and Jess are trying but they'll never succeed." Lachlan says, pulling you onto his lap so he can rest his head on your shoulder, scooting over to where you were so the camera can still see you guys.

"Oh my god Lachlan, shut up! Mitch and Jess are adorable, don't even say they're not comparable to us." You scold, quickly shutting down Lachlan's comment.

"It was a joke, calm down." He laughs, wrapping his arms around your waist.

"This is what I meant, they're sickingly adorable and Lachlan pisses her off." Preston laughs. Your phone goes off in the hoodie of Lachlan's that you're wearing, and you grab it to check the text and laugh once you read it.

"So Izzy says, 'I've been watching Preston's stream, give him my number ;) And you text me all the damn time about lover boy, he does annoy you a lot. Either way, y'all are adorable'." You laugh.

"Oooh, Preston might be getting a girl." Lachlan laughs. "Thanks Izzy, I can always rely on you." He adds, rolling his eyes.

"We can deal with the whole exchanging of numbers off camera, yeah?" Preston laughs out, now he's blushing because of the situation. "What's all of your lock screens right now?" He reads from the comments. "Well this is mine, it's just the cover to an album I've been listening to a lot." Preston shrugs, showing it to the camera. "What about you guys?" Preston asks, turning to you.

"Mine is a picture of all of my cats in bed with me, Lachlan took it for me." You laugh, showing the photo of you lying in bed, four cats surrounding you.

"Mine is uh, it's a photo of (Y/N) smiling while she gets coffee from Dunkin Donuts. To all of you in America that might not seem like much, but she moved to Australia to be with me and the closest Dunkies to our house is an hour drive. She still gets it basically everyday, but she's so appreciative of it now and it makes her happy, she posted the photo on her Instagram and I stole it for my lock screen." Lachlan says, cheeks flushing again at admitting to the world that you're his lock screen as he shows it to the camera.

"I'm your lock screen?" You ask, a bit shocked as you look at Lachlan.

"Well yeah, what else would it be?" He asks you.

"I don't know... Not me. Maybe like, your car? Or your family? Why is it me?" You ask, feeling so loved in this moment you forget that there is a camera capturing the moment.

"Because I love you, and I want to see your smile everytime I look at my phone." Lachlan shrugs, taking his bottom lip into his mouth not knowing how you'll react to this. He can't tell whether you're freaked out or in awe at the fact you're his lock screen, it's making him anxious.

"I really fucking love you." You sigh out, placing a quick kiss on his lips before pulling away suddenly from Preston shouting.

"Oi! I told them they weren't going to see any of that on my channel. We get it, you two are madly in love and it's adorable, we don't need reminders." Preston scolds, shaking his head.

"Sorry, god I'm sorry I just can't believe how amazing he is." You sigh out blissfully, wanting nothing more than to be having a moment with just Lachlan right now.

"I guess you're forgiven... Lachlan being whipped can't be pinned completely on you." Preston decides, making you smile as Lachlan groans.

"I'm not whipped! How many times do I have to explain this? So what, I love my girlfriend. It's not like she's some gold digger and I'm just following her blindly like a lost puppy, we love each other equally." Lachlan sighs out in defense, burying his face in your shoulder.

"Don't worry, I don't think you're whipped." You comfort, running one hand through his hair to coax him back up.

"Let's leave them be and we can go jam out in my room guys." Preston laughs, standing with the laptop. "They're definitely meant for each other, that's for sure." You hear him whisper as he walks away, making you laugh to Lachlan a little.

"Do you think he knows we heard that?" You ask, removing your hand from his hair and gently pushing his head off your shoulder so you can look at him.

"I don't know." Lachlan shrugs. "I don't care, he's not lying. We're definitely meant for each other, even if I'm not your lock screen." Lachlan laughs, making you pout.

"Fine, I'll make you my lock screen right now." You huff, turning your phone on and going to your camera roll.

"I'm only kidding babe, you don't have to replace your cats with me." He laughs again, though you ignore him as you try to find your favorite photo of Lachlan.

"The problem is I don't have a favorite photo of you, I have multiple favorite photos of you. Like, there's this photo where you're snuggling Crash in bed and I just love it because you're asleep and your mouth is slightly open. But then there's this one, from our one year anniversary and you're all cute with your button down shirt slightly unbuttoned and a beer bottle in hand because it was a great night and it was just all about us and I love it too. Then there's this one, where we were both sleepy and we're in the airport wearing baggie clothes and you're holding me and you're placing a kiss on my cheek. How do I pick one?" You ask, moving your gaze from your phone to meet Lachlan's eyes.

"I guess you do love me too." He mumbles out, making you laugh.

"Was that not obvious enough?" You ask, a playful smile on your face. "I do love you, Lachlan." You say, planting a kiss on his lips before looking back to your phone. "Now c'mon, which photo do I set as my new lock screen?"

"I can hear you two still!" Preston calls down the hall, making Lachlan chuckle.

"Sorry! Not really, but still!" Lachlan calls back, causing you to laugh.

"Leave him alone and choose a picture of yourself, dork." You say, flicking him to get his attention back on you.

"The one of us in the airport, you're in it, I'm in it, it's the perfect picture." He says, making you smile and place a kiss on his cheek. Getting lost in the moment of just you two.

[winterwriter8845]

In Love With My YouTube Hero

Story Masterlist

Chapter 3

My lips parted as I couldn't believe what I was reading.

Hey, are you okay? I was just checking to make sure you're okay.

The message was from Xavier. The bold words reading "XavGame." I nearly squealed with excitement. I looked over at Teegan.

"What is it?" She raised her eyebrow. "Look at your face! You're bright red."

I pointed at my screen, hiding my face from my blush. My hair fell over my face, hiding my eyes.

"Xavier messaged you?! Looks like he's interested in you."

I shook my head. "N-No... Why would he be interested in me?"

"Because you're smart and beautiful and passionate," Ms. Weeks intervened.

I blushed even more. "No, I'm not..."

"Well, respond back," Teegan said.

I bit my lip as I started to type back:

Yeah, I'll be fine. It's nothing to worry about.

Ms. Weeks walked over and sat down at the desk beside us. "So who is Xavier?"

"He's a YouTuber from England," I said.

"And he's famous. He has over 11 million subscribers on YouTube," Teegan added.

"Oh, so you're a gold digger?" Ms. Weeks joked.

"Totally." I giggled.

I heard the ding of the Discord notification go off, and I read the message.

I'm glad that you're okay. I was just curious because I could see blood on your face.

I smiled, looking down at my lap for a moment. "He's really persistent on seeing if I'm alright." I typed:

Yeah, it's fine. It's nothing I'm not used to. But thank you for your concern.

The bell rang, and everyone came into the classroom as Ms. Weeks was setting up the food on the round table in the corner of the room. She called it "The Round Table." Every Friday in creative writing, we would have an event called "Knights of the Round Table." It was where people would share their writing that they had worked, whether it be a personal work or a class assignment, and we would eat food as well.

I continued to message Xavier throughout the block, and we just talked about random stuff. It was nice to talk to him, and I wasn't just saying that because he was famous. He genuinely cared about me and made sure I was okay.

The class ended, and I moved my stuff to my other seat as Ms. Weeks was also my creative writing teacher.

I sat in a group of desks in the corner with three other people. Their names were Michael and Kylie. Michael was in my grade, and Kylie was a freshman as creative writing was one of the few classes that mixed different grades in together.

I continued to talk to Xavier. Then he brought TwitchCon.

Hey, are you going to TwitchCon?

I typed back:

Isn't it in like a few months?

I sat there, waiting for a response. Michael walked in and sat down at the desk next to me. He was actually a good writer when he was stoned. He said one time, that he was tripping and he was watching FOX News at like 3 am. And he was freaking out as well from the drugs and so write a piece called the American Obituary. And it was like a prophecy, and it was excellent.

"Hey, wassup?" Michael asked.

"Nothing much." I smiled up at him, glancing at my laptop screen every now and then.

"Why all anxious?" He asked as he noticed me looking at my screen.

"Umm, nothing." I giggled.

"Alright, who's made you all giggly? Who's the guy?" He turned my laptop to face him. "Who's XavGames?"

I groaned. "He's a Youtuber.... and he lives in England." I smiled as I pulled up another tab and went to YouTube. I pulled up a video of Xavier playing Friday the 13th: the Game. "He had donated some money on my stream last night, and then my father did what he always has done, and I had to end the stream early. Then he started to message me and made sure I was alright."

"Well, damn. Get yourself some good dick." He smiled. "I'm so proud of you, my little girl is all grown up." He faked cry, wiping away fake tears.

I laughed. "But we're literally not even friends yet. So I'm not getting the D."

"Yet."

"I doubt I ever will," I said as I looked up at him.

"Don't say that. You're smart, beautiful, creative. You're too kind for your own good. Who wouldn't like you?" He smiled as he pulled his laptop out from under his seat.

"I mean apparently since I think Xavier is cute, Danny is getting jealous."

"Well, if he can't respect your life decisions on who you want to date, then he's not the man for you. He has to respect all of your decisions unless they're bad ones. Then he can say something. But he has to respect your personal space."

I smiled. "Thank you."

The bell rang for class to begin, and everyone got settled into their seats. I noticed that Kylie wasn't here.

I began to search through my writing to find something to share for Knights of the Round Table. I found a piece that I had written a while back for my Medieval narrative for English class. Though it didn't have to be set in the medieval times, it had to have some kind of element of medieval narratives in it. So I chose to write a piece that had a lot of scenery and description.

Once Michael had finished reading my work, which I stuttered a lot when I read and have to have someone else read my work, everyone went ballistic. I burrowed my face down in my arms as a blush came onto my face. Everyone was saying that they wanted more, but I didn't have any more to share.

We read a few more writing and ate as did. Michael shared his piece of writing, which was kind of prophetic.

The class ended eventually, and I packed up my books and laptop. "I expect you to tell me all about this Xavier boy tomorrow," Michael said.

I smiled. "I will." I picked my books up and left the classroom.

School went on, and it was pretty much the norm. Teachers who don't know how to teach, lots of homework, and tons of drama over petty stuff.

~~~

I reached my car and sat down in the passenger seat. I noticed my phone had turned on with a Discord notification so I looked at the message. It was Xavier.

Hey, so I was wondering if you wanted to collab with me on some videos. Maybe play some game together.

And I nearly lost it. I grew excited and immediately replied with a yes. I sat in the parking lot, in my car, waiting for a response. And one came.

Great. What kind of games do you play? I play mainly single player games though.

I typed back:

Same. Maybe we can play some Golf-It with some other friends. Maybe Cards Against Humanity.

There wasn't a response after a few minutes so I decided to drive to my work so I wouldn't be late. I worked at this small little café called the Witt Stop. They made food like hamburgers but they also served muffins and coffees. It was a very small place, and they had recently just opened, so very few of us worked there who wasn't family. It was owned by a woman and her fiancé and brother. They were the ones who worked there most of the time and handled all of the big rushes, like the mornings when the elderly people came in to have breakfast and read the paper and talk about politics.

Then there was me. I wasn't family but a friend of a friend of the family. My boss, Rosie, was friends with Nina, and Nina had recommended me since they still needed a few people. And Nina had known of my situation and explained it vaguely to Rosie. So Rosie hired me and then hired Teegan so I wouldn't be completely lost around people. I stayed in the back and made food and cleaned dishes while Rosie and Teegan handled the cashier and taking people's orders.

I drove away from the school and drove towards town. My town was small, it was a place where everyone knew everyone and there were no secrets. The town had a population of about 1,000 people, and it took about ten minutes to walk from one side of town to the other.

I arrived at work about fifteen minutes later as it wasn't far from the school. I checked my phone to see it had gone off from another message from Xavier. It read:

That sounds great! Let me know when you're free to make a few videos.

I smiled and blushed. I typed back:

Okay! I will.

I got out of the car and walked into the small store. Rosie was already at the cashier, ringing up an elderly man.

She looked up at me and saw my busted lip. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah... It's nothing to worry about." I looked down, shifting my feet. My bangs fell over my face, hiding it.

"You know I worry about you." She leaned against the counter.

I walked behind the counter and through the door to the kitchen. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and started to wash dishes. Though it wasn't the best job, it made enough money for me to have some money to get food and help support mom.

I eventually finished up the dishes and walked out to stock the drink fridges. I brought the crates for soda out to the fridges and started to stock them. I finished up and took the empty crates back to the back of the store. I finished up my shift without any incidents.

I got in my car after work and went back to Teegan's house. I sat down at my desk and pulled up my class assignments. I had a few assignments to do as Ms. Weeks gave homework to do on the weekends. They weren't hard assignments as they were just free writing assignments within a certain topic. She had decided to take the medieval narrative from my English class and make it a creative writing assignment. So I decided to write an imagery scene of a fight scene between a vampire prince and a werewolf alpha.

I finished the first writing assignment, then I pulled up Discord. I started to type.

Hey, guys. No stream tonight. I'm not feeling the best.

It wasn't a lie. I just needed a mental health day. The discord group started to blow up.

And I saw the One Unread Message icon pop up next to his name.

[god7072therescue]

Ooohh i have a request for yaa, can you write about mc caught jumin cheating and she ran away from him, when jumin tried to catch up with mc, he almost got ran over by a car if was not for mc pushing him out of the way, whether mc survive or not is your choice ( I'm an angst freak)

Hello!! Thanks so much for this request!! I know that this has taken me a while to write so thank you for being so patient with me!! This is the angstiest(?) hc I’ve ever written so please bear with me!! 

A/N: I cannot see Jumin cheating on his own accord so I hope you don’t mind what I did with this ;;;

no

this could not be happening

One moment he is trying to remember exactly what had happened the night before 

The next MC is in front of him, tears streaming down her face because he had betrayed her 

he had been away on a business trip to meet with the CEO of the his company’s rival

the dinner had been pleasant enough even though all he wanted to do was go back to MC’s arms 

The woman he had met with was being polite and good-natured about the rivalry between the two of them

He should have listened to his father

His father warned him to never trust that woman, that he main goal was to take down their company for good

But MC had made him a changed man, he wanted to the best in people 

His father tried to warn him about his open affection to MC 

“We have a lot of enemies, Jumin. You are making her and your marriage an easy target.”

“The entire world now knows that this woman is your weakness and they will use your love for her to break you.”

He didn’t listen.

Apparently, there was a lot more alcohol in his wine than he originally thought;;

He felt his cheeks flush and he could not exactly control his emotions and actions as well as he typically could 

The last thing he could remember was the end of the dinner and accompanying his guest to her room before he went back to his room

or that’s what he thought had happened  

that was not what happened at all

At least, that was not what the video that was sent to MC showed

MC flung the door open to their bedroom with furious tears streaming down her face as she thrust her phone towards his face 

She couldn’t even look him in the eyes

All Jumin could focus on was the sound of her tears hitting the floor 

She had ceased to try and wipe them away because the tears would not stop

there was no point

Jumin looked at the screen then he felt his stomach churn in horror

That was him and that…that woman

In her room

having sex

He would never..

Jumin had to put a hand over his mouth to try and calm the nausea he was feeling from the scene before him

Of course the sound was turned off, because he would never ever utter any woman’s name but MC’s 

Just how insane was this woman to try and turn his MC away from him by sleeping with him and filming it 

He was going to make that woman wish she had never crossed paths with him 

Jumin inhaled a long breath through his nose to try and calm himself down

MC was what mattered right now, his anger for that bitch would have to wait

Jumin continued to stare at the scene before him until he closed his eyes in guilt because he could not believe how  he could allow himself to be in that position 

He lowered his hand from his mouth so he could try to explain to MC what had happened 

She had to believe that he would never purposefully do this to her 

right? 

he heard her shuffling away from him so his eyes snapped open

He had never seen her expression show that much pain before 

She looked like she was in physical pain 

that’s because she was

she felt like that woman had reached inside of her and had ripped the most important parts of her out

MC could not hold in her emotions any longer because he looked at her with those damn eyes 

Those eyes she loved hated so much 

She ran towards the door, not even bothering to put on her shoes

She threw the phone to the ground, causing a huge crack to mar the screen 

Jumin instantly rose to his feet so he could keep her from leaving 

please, MC, don’t leave 

MC could feel Jumin’s presence behind her so she paused but refused to turn around 

“Jumin, I swear to god if you follow me, I will never speak to you again.”

He should have listened.

He froze in his tracks as he watched her run from the pent house 

After a few seconds, he snapped out of his daze and slipped on his shoes so he could go after her

He ran out so quickly, he didn’t even shut the door 

thank god the guards caught Elizabeth the third before she could make her escape

He ran and ran until he could finally see her running down the street, her feet bloody from the asphalt

It was two in the morning so there weren’t many drivers on the street 

he continued to call out her name, begged for her to stop so he could explain but she refused 

there was nothing he could say to her 

MC knew he would catch up to her if she continued to run into a straight line, so she cut across the street knowing that there was a car coming so it would force him to stop

But it didn’t

He was so focused on reaching her, he refused to listen to her screams that told him to stay back 

He should have listened.

The next thing Jumin knew, he saw a bright light coming from his side, then the force of someone barreling into him so he falls back on the pavement 

he could only hear the sounds of tires screeching as to car tried to regain its handle on the wheel. 

the drivers didn’t even stop, they just continued swerving down the road because they were drunk 

Jumin is seething at how wreckless the drivers and himself were and looks down to check and make sure MC is okay

His eyes widen in horror as he sees MC’s state lying in front of him on the pavement

the night was too dark for him to see the extent but he knew he needed to call for an ambulance now

Jumin calls the authorities with shaking hands as he cradles MC’s face with the palm of his hand

They immediately order him not to move her in case her neck is injured so he quickly removes his hand 

He feels liquid on his hands that feel like tears, but he knows that she is knocked out so he highly doubts that’s what it is

He brings his hand closer to his face so he can check to see that it is what he thinks it is 

Yes it is 

Blood 

He can feel his entire mental state crumble around him because MC was lying in front of him, potentially dead 

My love, please do not leave like this, not this way

You can not afford to break down right now Jumin Han. Deal with the problem at hand and cope later

He has to focus on the laboring sound of her breathing so he could remind himself that she is alive 

He was too anxious to turn on the flashlight to his phone to assess the damage 

he was a coward

He stares down at her for what seems like forever as he waits for help to arrive 

Because he couldn’t help her himself 

He hears the sirens in the distance so he tries to sit up a bit more, trying not to move MC in the process 

The lights from the ambulance showed him the graphic scene before him 

MC’s face was bleeding from the superficial cuts on her forehead but it seemed there was no extreme damage to her head 

But her legs, oh god her legs were mangled and twisted in ways he knew were not natural 

Jumin could not tear his eyes away from MC even as the paramedics helped him up from the pavement 

He did this to her

he didn’t deserve the luxury to look away 

He drank too much with that woman

Jumin you were obviously drugged;;;

He escorted her to that room 

he slept with that woman 

He panicked and froze instead of explaining what had happened at that instant

And now MC was paying the price 

He never looked away as they situated her onto the stretcher 

he never looked away as he rode in the ambulance, the harsh light showing just how terrible her injuries were 

It took three nurses to pry jumin away from her stretcher as they rushed her into surgery 

So he sat and waited 

His mind blank as he stared at the ground 

His mind unable to cope with the thought of losing her  

He didn’t even think to contact the members of the RFA 

He could just silently beg for her to wake up

So he waited 

he never moved from his seat until the doctor came out to tell him about her condition 

Jumin rose to his feet when he saw the man, making sure he tried to stay as composed as he could 

“MC is stable but there have been some complications.”

“She will live, but she way never have the ability to walk again.”

Jumin could feel the world moving out from under him as he continued to listen to the doctor speak

Nothing sank in

He politely thanked the doctor then he rushed to her room 

His breathing catches in his throat as he sees the amount of machinery hooked up to her

he slowly walks to the side of her bed so he can sit down in the chair beside the bed 

His appearance is a mess but her couldn’t care less 

Because the angel laying in that bed was injured and may never completely heal 

because of him 

He grips the railing of the bed as he stares at her

He doesn’t move once again, until MC opens her eyes

MC is confused but she soon remembers what happened 

Jumin straightens as soon as he notices her stirring then he notices the confused look in her eyes 

so he explains what happened 

MC feels terrible for putting him through that instead of staying to listen to him

She can see how utterly broken the man in front of her

The almost black circles under his eyes, the state of his hair, and the suit with her blood still covering it tells her all she needs to know

Yes, she was sad that she could not feel her legs

In fact, she was devastated but she was repressing those feelings for now 

Right now, she needed to focus on the man in front of her

She brings a hand up to lightly touch his face, moving some of his hair out of his eyes 

She gives him a weak smile even though there were tears in the corner of her eyes

forgiveness 

Jumin could feel the tears that he had not known he was holding in spill over as he reached his hand up to cup hers

Jumin knew that he in no way deserved her forgiveness, but he would not take it for granted 

He knew the road ahead of them was not going to be easy

but he knew he was the one that fucked up

and he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her 

no matter how rough it would get 

he was not going anywhere 

I hope this is okay!!

[motherlifesucher-archives]

my everything l Shawn Mendes Imagine.

a/n: kinda short but I really needed to post something. I’ll hopefully by able to finish the first part of a Hogwarts!Shawn series soon <3. Hope you enjoy it.

OH AND THIS IS FOR THE ANON WHO REQUESTED AN IMAGINE FEATURING TOM HOLLAND! It’s not much but I hope you like it <3

prompt: Shawn & (y/n) get in a fight hours before she’s badly injured shooting her new movie. (I shamelessly included Tom Holland on this, im sorry lol)

Everybody knew you and Shawn were together.

It had taken one sneaky paparazzi to capture you holding hands while you were hanging out four months into the relationship.

Both your agent and publicist, more strictly than Shawn’s, had warned you that being seen with him was going to be bad for you, more importantly, your career, since his large fanbase was mostly teenage girls who didn’t care to think twice before going on Twitter and start speeding rumors about yourself, jeopardizing your career.

So it was safe to say your entire team was pretty bummed when the news got out; telling you off because you weren’t able to keep it a secret for at least a bit more time. Even Marvel, who you were shooting for at the time, were mad because they didn’t want one of their new recruits to have a damaged reputation.

All of this had happened almost a week ago; exactly on the same day you were visiting Shawn on the last show of the North American leg of the tour, and the two days you were supposed to spend together to relax before he had to fly to LA for the VMAs and you back to Atlanta to keep filming.

Long story short; the Boston show was a nightmare.

You were paranoid about people knowing where you were, constantly receiving texts from your agent who was monitoring paparazzi and the spots were fans could see you, which made Shawn extremely upset.

Upset because this was your first show attending as his girlfriend and you were finally going to meet his family and feel part of Shawn’s team and instead of enjoying it, you were looking extremely anxious at every person who crossed the door or even talked to you, which led to an argument as everyone was celebrating the last show of the leg.

You were on Shawn’s dressing room, trying to control yourself and your breathing when the door opened, making you jump. A sigh of relief escaped your lips when you saw Shawn, but he only chuckled.

“Oh, so you are even flinching when I get to the room?” Shawn questioned you with an eyebrow raised.

“Shawn...” you closed your eyes, trying to hold back the tears.

“Don’t. Seriously, don’t even try to deny that you have been avoiding everyone tonight.”

“I wasn’t going to deny it.”

“Good. Then can you tell me why you decided to act this way today? A very important day, if you don't mind me reminding you.” 

“You know what’s going on, Shawn. I’m sorry I’m letting it get the best of me but I can’t help it.” you said placing your head on your hands.

“Is this about your manager thing? are you serious?” he huffed.

“It’s not just my manager, Shawn. It’s my entire team, plus, if you forgot, freaking Marvel is upset that my reputation as an actress will be damaged because of this whole drama.” you responded bitterly.

“Drama? Oh, so now us being together is drama.” 

“Shawn, just give me some time! You have to admit your fans can be a bit harsh, and your career is getting more successful every day and that makes things harder; for me, for us...”

“So now my career it’s a problem?”

You closed your eyes and sighed, “You know I didn't mean it like that, I’m sorry.”

Shawn remained silent.

“Maybe you should just go. If you’re not willing to be with me because of your career then leave, I'm really not willing to be in a relationship that will be filled with fear and anger.”

“Neither am I, but just give me some time. Shawn, please.” you said on a thin voice.

“This is a big night for me, so please, just... Just leave.” he said scratching the back of his neck.

You harshly bit your lower lip, somehow thinking that would stop your tears from falling as you walked to collect your Calvin Klein leather bag. 

“Can you at least call me? I really like you, this is just hard for me” you said fixing your eyes on his.

His expression was difficult to read; he looked angry yet sad. He closed his eyes and sighed before answering:

“I know. Be safe”

And with that he exited the room, going back to the celebration he deserved.

Today was the day you were supposed to spend with Shawn after the show, but after countless texts from your part, Shawn told you he preferred to spend his time with his family.

Meaning you were stuck in your hotel room for another two days, trying to figure out whether or not you and Shawn were still a couple.

You craved to go back to the days were the two of you were just hanging out, with flirty looks and shy smiles, and then to the days were you would just make out on the couch, forgetting about the world outside.

Now, that seemed so far away yet the only thing you wanted was to rest your head on his thigh as he stroked your hair and kiss his plump lips.

Deciding to do something useful, you took the watermarked script with your name written on the center; even if you had gone through the lines over and over again, it felt like it wasn’t enough.

Almsot two hours later your phone rang, making you literally drop the script t the floor and looking for the phone, hoping it was Shawn who wanted to talk and spend the next day with you.

But instead, it was a text message that read:

‘Heard you’re in Boston?’

Even if it wasn’t the text you were waiting for, it made you smile anyway.

‘What? Are you spying on me, Holland?’

‘You wish. I’m in New York. You up for some adventure before heading to Atlanta?’

You wanted to say no, but knowing that Shawn probably still didn’t want to see you and you definitely weren’t planning on staying at the hotel for another two days, decided to call your manager, just in case, who thought the idea of you and Tom hanging out was perfect.

‘See you tomorrow, idiot’

You sighed and bit your lips, internally debating on whether or not you should feel Shawn that you were leaving Boston. As usual, your fingers were faster than your brain as you texted him, letting him know you weren’t going to stay around and that you were still waiting for him to call.

No answer arrived.

-

Working for Marvel meant them watching your every step, which was both a good and bad thing.

Bad, because of all the things named before and good, because they were amazing at solving problems and making your life easier.

Like getting you a private plane in the matter of an hour.

Your team managed to get you a room on the same hotel Tom was staying, so you made plans to meet at the gym.

Putting on your favorite sports bra and leggings, you made your way to the gym, where you saw your co-star already lifting.

“Couldn’t wait for me?” you teased him and smiled.

“Hey you,” he greeted with his British accent. “It’s so good to see you”

“Wish I could say the same” he was going to answer you but his personal trainer appeared.

“Hey (y/n), didn’t know you where here.” he waved at you, since he was the trainer Marvel appointed for Tom, which meant he was always around.

“Yeah, I guess I needed some time before going back to the set” you shrugged.

The conversation continued as both you and Tom worked out, but as you saw Tom start putting the hand wraps, an idea popped in your mind.

“Think you can beat me at boxing?” you said raising an eyebrow.

“I could do it on my sleep.” Tom answered cockily.

“Wanna discover it?” 

“You’re on.” He chuckled.

Two hours later, you were on the hotel room, checking your Instagram story, where you had posted videos of you and Tom working out, which made everyone go crazy.

Including Shawn.

´So, you left Boston to go hang out with another guy? Smooth.’

You almost threw your phone against the wall, finally deciding it was enough of the fight.

‘Sorry, would’ve let you know but you were so busy not answering my texts’

His answer didn’t take long.

‘I don’t know if I can be with someone who runs away at the first fight’

‘Good, let me know when you decide’

Shawn had been going over the fight over and over again for the past days. 

He knew how difficult it was to be in the spotlight, yet he couldn’t bring himself to understand your point of view.

He really wanted to, but he just couldn’t, making him think over and over again if the relationship was worth it.

If keeping a relationship with one person on the move was hard, keeping it with both parts involved constantly traveling was almost insane, but he didn’t want it any other way, because just by seeing your eyes everything was worth it.

and that’s when he knew he had to call you and figure things out.

It was going to be difficult, since he hadn’t returned your last text wishing him luck on the VMAs performance that had taken place two days ago, but he was hopeful.

He was ready to pick up the phone and dial your number but someone beat him to it.

it was an unknown number.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Is this Shawn Mendes?” the person asked and Shawn rolled his eyes, thinking it was a fan or a journalist who had managed to get his number.

“Yes, do I know you?”

“I’m afraid not, but my name is Kevin, I work for MCU and I was told to call you because (y/n) got in an accident while performing a scene.”

Shawn swore his heart stopped beating for a moment before he felt it on his throat.

“What?” Shawn asked in disbelief.

“She’s being transported to the nearest hospital right now. She lost consciousness for a moment, but now they’re assessing her injuries...” 

“I’m on my way, can you please text me the details?” Shawn asked frantically and Kevin agreed.

Shawn took a moment to collect his thoughts before calling Andrew, asking him to arrange him a flight to Atlanta as soon as possible (and it turned out Andrew was just as useful as Marvel and got him a private plane)

While on the flight, Shawn couldn’t stop thinking how injured you were, and even if the two of you were still a couple, after all, he had been kind of a bad boyfriend.

A car was waiting for him outside and while he was on the way to the hospital, he typed your name and noticed that news of the accident were already being spread, and his twitter timeline was filled with messages for you, which meant there were reporters outside the hospital as well as some fans.

He couldn’t stop biting his nails and when he realized, a small smile appear on his face as he pictured you telling him to stop ‘that horrible habit’

The driver did his best to drop him somewhere he wouldn’t be seen, but it was almost impossible. 

He kept his head low, didn’t open his mouth to say anything; he just hurried his way inside the hospital and asked for you. He was directed to the third floor, where he found some familiar faces and one that almost made him laugh, the one and only, Tom Holland.

He had never been jealous after seeing the Instagram story of you and him boxing, by the way.

Or at least that’s what Shawn told himself as he greeted the British actor who was wearing sweats over the Spider-Man costume and had a worried expression on his face.

“Do you know what happened?” Shawn asked Tom quietly.

“She jumped from a stair and was supposed to land in this net but something went wrong and she missed it. It looked pretty bad” Tom answered grimacing at the thought.

“Don’t you have stunt doubles to do that?” Shawn asked between gritted teeth, earning a chuckle from Tom.

“They’re for riskier scenes, and both me and her are one of the youngest on set so we like performing most of the action parts.”

“You people are crazy.” Shawn muttered.

After the small conversation, Tom was called by a man on a suit. They started talking and Shawn was by himself, with his emotions all over the place.

He was worried.

Worried because no one had said something about your condition, and worried because he didn’t know what your reaction would be after you saw him.

He knew your parents weren’t there and the only people surrounding him were people who worked with you, making him the closest person to you in the room, and maybe you didn’t even want him to be there.

Maybe this Kevin guy had called him because he knew Shawn was your boyfriend, not because you requested it or something.

So when a doctor came out and asked for your family, he didn’t even realize when he was standing, asking the professional how bad was the situation.

The doctor said it could’ve been worse, since your neck had suffered major injuries and there were a couple of bruised ribs, but nothing more than that.

You were actually wide awake and asking for whoever was there.

It was either him or Tom, but when your co-star patted him on the back, he knew it was him.

He followed the doctor as he tried to control his breathing; it was too much for just a week.

And all his emotions seemed to go even crazier when he saw the surprised look on your face.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him.

“I... I came to see you.” he scratched the back of his neck.

“I thought we were over.” you said a bit bitterly.

Shawn sighed and took a step closer to the bed,

“I never said that...”

“Well, I thought not answering my texts or calls was enough to let me know.”

“I was kind of a jerk, and I’m sorry...” he took a deep breath. “It was so fucking scary to receive that phone call telling me you were in an accident, I thought the worse and it made me realize how much you mean to me.” he confessed.

You rolled your eyes, “you have the worst way of realizing stuff.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.”

None of you spoke again, the only thing that was heard was the sound of the machines.

“How are you feeling?” Shawn asked feeling silly since he hadn’t even checked on how you were feeling before trying to fix things.

“I’ve been better,” you chuckled. “But it could’ve been worse, I guess?”

“It could’ve been way worse, you’re one lucky girl.” he said finally seating on the edge of the bed.

“I guess so,” you smiled at him. “Dude, you have to get closer or I won’t be able to kiss you.”

Shawn let out a heartily laugh before shaking his head and moving until he was face to face with you.

“Hi” he said with a smile.

“Hey, you’re ridiculously handsome.”

“So I've been told.”

and with that your lips finally collided together, making you fall for each other all over again. Every tear and bitter moment were erased as you enjoyed the feeling of each other’s lips.

“I made the worst first impression on your mom.” you whined on his lips.

“It’s okay, she actually liked you.” Shawn chuckled, pecking your lips once again.

“Did she really?” 

“Yeah, but she was confused, though.” 

“I guess I have some work to do, then.”

“You can always come to my place wearing this thing on your neck, there’s no way she’ll dislike you.” Shawn pointed at the neck brace.

“That’s mean.” you smiled.

“Don’t act like you aren’t considering it!” 

“I won’t admit it out loud.” you giggled before whining because of the bruised ribs.

“Then you’re just as mean as I am.”

Shawn spent the entire day with you, only leaving to change his clothes an take a shower. The doctor said they were keeping you for at least another day and Shawn was more than happy to bring his laptop so you could watch Netflix together.

“I think this pays off for the days we missed in Boston.” you said squeezing Shawn’s hand.

“Totally does,” he was going to continue talking but your phone interrupted him.

“Can you pass it to me, baby please.” you asked and Shawn nodded. 

He grabbed the phone and his eyes widened as he noticed who was calling you. Shawn called your name dragging the last letter and with a tone of disbelief.

“Robert Downey Jr. is calling you on FaceTime.”

“Oh my God, give it to me!” you told him, trying to fix your hair, but it was impossible.

“You are so taking me to the set one of these days.”

“Of course, now give me the damn phone!” you laughed.

“You are the best girlfriend ever.”

“I know.” 

Things were just fine.

[dococonutsmigrate]

Self Care

Big breath, now let it all the way out.  Okay.  Caring for yourself is hopefully something you can come to with kindness and gentleness towards yourself and learning to do these things, and is something to learn to do without pressure or worry.  This is just for you, and just for you to make your life easier, and to help you feel better.

A few brief words about selfishness: You might be thinking that some, or even all, of the things on this list look selfish. That's probably because they are. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with doing them, that it's not okay to do them and take care of yourself, or that only you benefit from self-care. Taking care of ourselves, being selfish in that respect is essential to our health and well-being. Self-care and self-indulgence aren't the same things (but we feel like the latter is also okay, too). And if and when we don't take care of ourselves, and either neglect self-care, or set our lives up so that we only look to others to care for us, we can't be self-reliant and independent, we don't tend to do very well, especially through some of the harder parts of life, and it's also nigh unto impossible to have healthy relationships, too. So, this stuff? It's for you, and your life. Your life that is about you, but also your life that includes other people and relationships with them which are far richer and more multi-dimensional than someone being your caretaker or nursemaid.

Some self-care ideas and standbys:

Movement or exercise (the kind you enjoy and feels good, not something solely with the aim of weight loss or changing appearance or which you only do because you feel you should: think dancing like your pants are on fire vs. situps, or a mellow bike ride on a nice day rather than a trainer yelling at you in an air-conditioned gym)

Cooking or baking; eating things that are good for you, but also tasty

Doing something creative, like making music, writing, cooking, painting: you don't have to be an expert at it, you just need to pick something where you enjoy the process

Baths or showers (singing like you were at karaoke in the shower is often a good touch: pick a song that's a guilty pleasure for bonus happymaking points)

Getting outside/out of doors

Meditation or prayer

Watching a favorite movie, reading a good book (or a crappy one if that makes you feel better), listening to music

Slowing your breathing

Visiting a museum

Getting a haircut or getting your hair washed

Talking to friends or family you know you can trust and who are good to you

Hanging out with friends, family or other community for a distraction

Journaling

Turning off your phone ringer. Better yet, leaving the phone behind for a while, period.

Leaving love letters to yourself on the mirror with post-it notes

Gardening, growing or planting something

Take a day trip somewhere, by car, bus or bike: you can even be like a tourist in your own town or city, checking out things you wouldn't as a resident, but visitors usually want to see or do

Masturbation (Partnered sex tends to be a poor choice when we need self-care, since a) it's not just about ourselves and can add stress and b) tends to be a particularly bad fit when not with a partner well-known to us and in a sexual relationship that's going very well. And, of course, if sex is stressing you out, as with any of these things were they stressors, it'd be a truly poor choice for self-care.)

Counseling or support groups

Change up your transportation if it's stressful: if you drive, see about public transit, walking, biking or skating.  If public transit is making you anxious, look into carpooling

Clean up, spruce up or rearrange your room or apartment

Spending as much time as you want at the library or a bookstore

Sitting somewhere comfortable and relaxing. Seriously, just plain sitting.

Watch silly videos online. Like this one. Or this. Or this. Or this. And most certainly these or these. Or, you can watch some music videos from the 80's, which we thought were awesome, but you'll probably find painfully hilarious.

Visualizing something awesome

Making sure to leave school or work on time, rather than overworking or overachieving

Create a new Tumblr feed or blog about something that is fun for you, and is a way to play and relax (once when I needed some extra self-care charge, I made one called Something Small and Beautiful which was about nothing but small, simple things that made me happy)

Playing with toys, or do something else playful and child-like, like futzing with playdough, spending time playing on a playground, coloring in a coloring book (we strongly endorse Unicorns are Jerks) or with chalk on a sidewalk, or reading a favorite book from when you were a child.

Letting yourself cry, especially if you're a bottler

Doing something simple or small that gets you closer to a goal or dream

Volunteering

Scrapbooking (it's so not just for grannies anymore)

Saying nice things about yourself to yourself

Taking time to do something deeply silly or really frivolous

Playing with pets

Learning to do something you have always wanted to do: try something new

Window shopping, or cruising through Pinterest

Finding somewhere you can yell your head off and yelling like there's no tomorrow

Making a playlist of songs you know either cheer you up, soothe you or help you feel the things you're feeling

Having a picnic: can even be all by yourself

Manicures or pedicures

Make a space for yourself in your room that's dedicated to self-care

Taking a minute to recognize and acknowledge your strengths, talents or achievements

Saying no to someone or something: setting a limit

Helping other people in small ways that feel good, not stressful

Doing a face masque (extra bonus, this also ticks the "do something silly" box because everyone looks a fool with a face masque on)

Going to bed early or letting yourself sleep in for a change

Forgiving other people or letting go of anger or upset you have with someone, or more than one someone

Dressing in clothing that makes you feel comfortable, handsome, beautiful, sexy or all of the above!

Having a pillow fight

Massage (self-massage or a massage from someone else)

Daydreaming

Disappearing in the good way: leave your cell at home, unplug from the net, and go get yourself lost and quiet, all by yourself, somewhere you feel safe where no demands will be made of you

Taking yourself out to dinner or lunch

Insisting on self-care time and space with others as needed; insisting on self-care to yourself

When I do well with self-care for myself, I find one reason why is because I'm mixing up the kinds of self-care I'm doing, rather than only caring for one part of myself, or caring for myself in only one way. Your mileage may vary, but I find it works well to think about something I can do -- in a day, or even within the whole of a week -- with my body, a thing I can do for my body, a way I can be playful, a way I can really sit with and feel all my feelings, something I can do that's creative, something I can do to get outside, and something I can do socially. Of course, sometimes you can do something that combines a few of these -- like taking a photo walk with a camera, where you get to get outside, move your body and do something creative. Or, if it helps you to pare this down even more, see if you can't, in a day, do one thing for your body, one thing for your head, and one thing for your heart or spirit.

When we're freaking out, stressed out, or otherwise challenged and at loose ends, one of the ways we can do self-care is to simplify or relax our lives in some ways that we're able. It's probably obvious that when our proverbial load feels to heavy, lightening it tends to help.

Some ways you can lighten your burden and travel through life more lightly:

Do only one thing at a time when you can, rather than multitasking

If a courseload at school feels too tough to manage, see if you can't drop one of your classes, take an incomplete or audit instead

Get rid of stuff you don't need: sometimes clearing your space can help you clear your heart and head

If you're being super strict or rigorous about something you don't absolutely have to be -- like eating, exercise or a training schedule, studying -- see if you can't relax those things at least some. It's mighty stressful living with a drill sargeant

Taking things off your to-do list or out of your life you really don't need to be doing, can delegate to someone else, or can set aside and do later

Do what you can to take steps to move away from or leave from relationships that have gotten very stale, rarely make you happy, or which are controlling, manipulative, abusive or otherwise dysfunctional. Even if you aren't able to, or don't yet feel able to, leave them full-stop just yet, see if you can't start taking some steps to get there. And by all means, don't go to those relationships, or hang with those people, when you need self-care

Spend less time online, unless you limit yourself to sites and spaces you know are 100% good for your emotional well-being. (If nothing else, at least stop reading blog or article comments.)

Reassess your goals: if you're reaching for too much all at once, pare back, sticking with one or two goals at a time.

Try to stop overspending, whether it's money you spend more of than you've got, time or energy. Get a realistic sense of what you've got in these kinds of areas and what your limits are, and try and stay within them.

Pick a bedtime you usually stick to, and walk away from anything that you can that can pose new stresses an hour or two before: the internet, phone calls, television, talks with people who are stressing you out, homework, et cetera

Ask for help.  I know it's hard, believe me.  But just do it anyway. Sooner, rather than later.

On top of the things you can do, there are also some things we know tend to increase or encourage anxiety, depression, or just plain feeling lousy, that you should try and avoid or limit -- that you should try NOT to do -- to best care for yourself.

Some self-care frenemies:

Trying to stop or shut down hard or uncomfortable thoughts or feelings: not only does that not tend to work, and can even make those feelings or thoughts stronger, letting those thoughts or feelings out is really the way to go to best process and sort through them. You need to let those thoughts and feelings be what they are and accept them.

Booze, sugar, caffeine and other things you can put into your body, like junk food, that aren't good for you: when you want to nourish yourself, you've got to nourish yourself. Stimulating, empty or toxic stuff doesn't do that, and also often increases things like anxiety or depression, especially in the long run, so limiting those things when you need self-care is the way to go.

Validating fears: In other words, you are terrified of a thing, and want to find others who are also terrified, in order to basically make your fears seem more reasonable and not be alone in them.  That's all fine well; and good, except for the part where then you end up not just soaking in your own panic or angst, but the panic and angst of everyone else, which most typically will only exponentially increase yours, rather than dialing it down.

Obsessive Googling: Dr. Google is not your friend when you're freaking out. Neither is Yahoo! Answers (which I've started to call Boohoo! Answers, based on how users seem to be feeling when they come to us for help after going there first and how I feel after talking people off a ledge all day who went there then came to me for help after) or other random crowdsourcing sites, medical sites or apps where you punch in a bunch of symptoms and it tells you you might have cancer when, in fact, you just have a bad head cold. If you're going to go to the web when you're in a bad way, pick places you know, for sure, have a history of doing right by you when you're feeling like crap or needing sound information and support. This isn't the time to take chances.

Lazing about: Especially with depression, it can feel like all you should do is what you want to do, which is to lie down and never get up. But while getting enough rest is important, so is getting enough activity. Avoiding sleep or going without sleep is equally problematic. If you're having big troubles with sleep or activity in either direction, a visit to a healthcare provider is a good place to start to get help with that. Messed-up sleep -- way too much or too little -- really, really does a number on a person.

Isolation: It can feel really scary and vulnerable to be in a bad way around other people, especially if you are introverted or have any kind of social anxiety. But totally isolating for long periods of time isn't a sound answer either. See if you can't at least find some ways of being around other people -- even if you're not directly interacting with them -- when you're stressed. On the flip side, do remember the SELF part of self-care: never allowing yourself to be alone, and to care for yourself, by yourself, at all, isn't sage, either.

Stimulating fears or anxieties with things you know trigger those -- like continuing to engage in sex if it's freaking you out, watching movies about things you know scare you or make you upset, etc. One way of treating anxiety does involve exposure, but that is usually done with the help and care of a therapist, and with very specific instructions. DIYing that is rarely a good idea, and only tends to increase your discomfort and trigger more anxiety.

Negative or unsupportive people and, perhaps obviously, abusive, controlling or otherwise big-time unsafe people. P.S. You count. In other words, beating yourself up about things, talking trash about yourself to yourself, and engaging in other kinds of self-harm makes you the negative or unsupportive person. Be kind to you when you're in a bad way.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/selfcare_a_la_carte