#because i just overanalyse and hate everything i write

[hollyslangblr]

something i like about learning languages is i feel it allows me to better express myself, even if i’m only writing for me. if i’m writing a song and i feel like i’m laying myself too bare it helps me to switch language even just for a line or two cos it gives me a degree of separation and helps me stop judging myself so harshly

[writing-for-life]

Nuance in (The Sandman) Fandom

Send me asks about everything Sandman-related!

I thought a lot over the past few days, partly prompted by discourse on here, partly due to a couple of “interesting” asks and messages I received (the type you don’t answer). I *think* they might have been prompted by engaging in discourse on topics like anti-blackness/racism, misogyny/sexism, TERF characters etc in The Sandman.

Fandoms are always getting super sensitive if someone shines a critical lens on their favourite works, authors and characters. So to make this clear (in case it isn’t already obvious from my brain-rot blog):

I love The Sandman. I love Neil Gaiman. I have an extremely soft spot for Dream (and Desire btw, who deserves a lot more character analysis than just being summed up as “villainous, sexy bitch”. One day, perhaps ;)).

I can read The Sandman and just get lost in the story, even after decades and many rereads. 

But I can also view it through a critical lens—these things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Not critical enough or too critical?

As fans, we can get trapped in certain thinking patterns, like:

“My blorbo can do no wrong”-syndrome 

“Characters with flaws are inherently problematic and imply authorial endorsement of those actions” 

“Characterisation and problematic subtext are one and the same” (aka overanalysing and looking for problems where there are none is the death of every story, but failing to see problematic patterns where they are clearly visible is a problem, too).

Don't say anything bad about my favourite character

I think this doesn’t need much further exploration. It’s not my personal way of looking at stories through permanently rose-tinted glasses (I always feel it stalls my experience, but my experience is not everyone else's). Some people prefer that type of escapism, and I’m good with that (although the downside is of course that by not willing to engage with issues, we can unwillingly perpetuate them). Live and let live, ship and let sail. But please, for the love of god: Don’t insult people via their inboxes or messages just because their opinions and preferences don’t align with yours. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or phrase it “nicely”: It’s infantile (and a form of bullying btw), end of.

How can you even like a character who's so horrible? And that author must be equally horrible, too

We have to separate flawed characters, even those who are written to be really problematic, from real-life endorsement of these actions. 

Author, narrator and character are three fundamentally different things, and don’t overlap as much as some people seem to think. 

We can write vile, despicable characters to make a point (for me, Thessaly was always a prime example for this, and I explained why here). We probably hate them as we write them. I don’t know what else to say, but this facet of writing seems to get more and more lost on people, and it’s a worry. Crying for sanitised characterisation is one step away from censorship. We explore what is problematic about people and humanity through story. That’s how we process and learn. It’s nothing new, but it becomes impossible if we can’t write flawed and even disgusting characters. 

Face value…

Since I’m mostly in The Sandman fandom, I often read that its ending is hopeless, and that’s supposedly the entire message. 

It is agonisingly sad, yes. But is it truly hopeless? I personally see it as quite the opposite, but of course that’s my opinion, coloured by my life experiences.

I also get that show-only fans often haven’t read the comics, or at least not the whole arc. And as such, their outlook from what they’ve seen so far (and choose to focus on) has to be different by default. I also understand that many people are quite new to the comics, even if they have read them in their entirety. I’ve sat with them for 30 years, and I still find new things on every reread (and I read it more times than anyone should 🙈), and I still don’t feel like I’ve understood it all. Perhaps because I still haven’t fully understood myself (and it’s unlikely I ever will). If there’s one thing The Sandman isn’t, it’s one-dimensional and easy to grasp in its whole depth.

I just wrote a ginormous meta on it, if you’re interested, it’s here:

Subtext, (not so) glorious subtext

This is where it gets complicated:

We shouldn’t mix up characterisation and story subtext. Overanalysing every line to death will always make us find something that’s “problematic”, when it really isn’t in the wider context of the story.

Zooming in is NOT always a good thing. Sometimes, we actually need to zoom out. 

But subtext *can be* (accidentally) problematic. Even in stories we love. And none of this negates what I previously wrote.

Stories have real-life implications of sorts, and we need to be able to talk about it. That’s where those slightly flabbergasting, hostile inbox messages come in, and I want to expand on that "topic of contention" a bit:

Neil himself confirmed that the Endless basically warp reality, and that this is why, after Dream’s failed relationship with Nada, many black women in his vicinity suffer terrible fates (Ruby and Carla in particular). And that this spell is only broken when he dies, and that it is the reason why Gwen doesn’t suffer the same fate. And said Gwen then gets used as a plot device to basically absolve Hob (who canonically really is a problematic character, whether show-only fans like it or not) from his slaver past. Once again, very clearly: No one is making this up. Neil confirmed it (for the comics, and that was over 20 years ago. It remains to be seen if his stance has changed as we move into that arc in the TV show).

I don't think it is correct to imply that Dream as a character is racist (I've read that, too) because he logically can’t be. He holds *all* the collective unconscious. He is also, strictly speaking, not white. He is everything and nothing, and he shows up in many different ethnicities throughout the whole arc, depending on who looks at him. But Neil played with a subtext here (reality warping due to a bad relationship which then affects everyone with similar physical traits) that will read very differently to a black person than it reads to a white person, and we have to understand why that is an *extremely* slippery slope.

Plus, we are supposed to see Hob, who *was* a racist at some point (you can’t not be if you’re a slave-trader—it’s impossible by default) as redeemed. And yes, he *does* regret deeply, good for him (and if I were saying this aloud, you would hear the sarcasm in my voice, because it is indeed all about him. We are to sympathise/empathise with him and his character growth while there isn’t much mention of the people he maltreated). But also: it was a black woman who basically forgave him (with dialogue that personally makes me cringe). And that black woman who offers forgiveness is not truly a black woman—she is a character written by a white man. And as much as author and character are not the same (see above), there is an inherent sensitivity in that power imbalance that we can't brush under the carpet.

I don’t think Neil is racist. Probably quite the opposite, and I can even see that his intentions were good from a storytelling point of view. BUT intention and impact are two fundamentally different things, and telling the story this way (comic version) betrays blindspots only white people have. Just like women have blindspots when they tell stories about men, and men have blindspots when they tell stories about women (and there are a few of those in The Sandman, too). And and and…

As storytellers, we can’t always speak from lived experience. It’s impossible. And that also means we occasionally make mistakes that look bad in hindsight, even if our intentions were good.

I guess the proof is in the pudding: What do we do when people who *have* that lived experience tell us it looks bad? If they inform us why it is hurtful, plays into old stereotypes etc?

Are we willing to listen and yield (both are the foundations of allyship btw), or are we insisting that our viewpoint as someone *without* lived experience is right? That lived experience extends to all lived experiences (sex/gender, sexual orientation, age...), and from all we’ve heard from Neil so far, it seems important to him to rewrite what he sees differently today. Whether they’ll always get it right for the show—we’ll see. At the moment, it looks a lot better than in the comics, and certain issues are already being handled with a lot more sensitivity, but a few problems remain.

Pushing back on criticism that comes from people with lived experience is problematic—I’d encourage us to think about what it looks like if a white majority in the fandom is basically saying that the opinions of POC are essentially “overreactions” (and yes, that happened).

It’s complicated. The Sandman was written in a different time, and I think we have to distinguish between things that weren’t really problematic at the time but have aged poorly (again, Thessaly springs to mind, and I have lived experience as a queer person during that time, so I can see it in context while at the same time acknowledging that I would make changes to bring it to the present day), and things that were always a problem due to blindspots. They were a problem in 1990, and if they don’t get changed, they are still a problem today.

This fandom is generally so much more open and nicer than others I know. But that doesn’t mean it’s infallible, because it’s full of humans. 

Nuance is sorely needed, in both story interpretation and interaction between said humans.

[popponn]

popon my loveliest "grandma", here is my submission for ur event—which is as cute as u 😽:

one. my chosen fandom is blue lock, and my favourite is ofc, mikage reo <33

two. yes to au, and i choose high school au !

three. my chosen tropes are childhood friends to lovers and mutual pining

four. my name is saki, and i am a cancer and infj ! i'd like to add emphasis to my mbti bc i am super introverted irl, and i come off as a rly shy individual at first. but once i've gotten comfortable w u, i am rly talkative, and quite loud too ! i'm also super honest, but at the same time, i can filter the things i say in order to "people please". i'm also pretty sensitive when it comes to the things others say—for example, if someone accidentally insults me, i do think ab it for the rest of the day and do feel pretty hurt. i'm also an overthinker, and i tend to overanalyse certain situations. i think i am pretty caring, since i act like the "therapist" and "mother" of my friendship group, and i'm a realist.

i like and love hanging out w my friends, and i also love shopping (for my own things lol). i also like dressing up for special events (like a fancy dinner party or smth), and i like reading/writing. drawing and painting is also a fun activity for me, but i don't do it as much anymore bc i don't have the time to do so 😞 other things i like are letters written to me by my friends, cute stationery (motivates me to study hehe), pretty hair accessories, rice (i am a true asian), dark chocolate and iced lattes <3

things i don't like include onions (MAJOR EW), some fish, narcissists, selfish people, pick-me people🧍🏻‍♀️, wet humid weather, school-assigned texts (legit hating the one i have to read rn), insects, cramped spaces, people who like to show off (like bro actually stfu 💀)

i don't rly have favourite movies so i'll list my favourite k-dramas and anime hehe: 18 again, twenty-five twenty-one, twinkling watermelon, shooting stars, fruits basket, kimi ni todoke, attack on titan (☹️) and your lie in april <33

my love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch !! i tend to be v affectionate w those i'm close to, and i would wanna receive love in the same ways plus acts of service hehe

five. yes yes !! any language is fine, as long as if u can also incorporate some english songs too 🤍

six. GIRL THIS IS LWKY A HARD CHOICE but i choose fluff <3 unless u can do a combo of both but if not i choose full fluff (thanks !!)

optional question. i love reo's looks. literally i love his hair and ik u don't like it 😭 BUT I LOVE IT and i also love how reo is so charismatic and affectionate hehe <3 he's also so ambitious and hard-working and that is smth that i admire,, AND HE'S SMART ?!?!! smart men are so hot omfg !!!! his wealth is a good bonus but idrc ab these things <3 😸

i hope that's everything u need popon <33 lmk if i need to add more details !! I LOVE U SO SO MUCH and good luck w the event 🫂 MWAH MWAH thank u saur saur much 😽😽

a tune, an image, and a story of... ⋆｡˚

“so?” seeing his friend raising an eyebrow in challenge, or in question, reo uncharacteristically rubs the back of his neck. this topic has always been an odd one for him—it’s one that brings everything into a halt and makes it feel heavy to breathe, yet perhaps because it has to do with you, reo could never think of it as unpleasant. “you know i can’t just…” reo glances towards your direction, talking happily with your friends on the other side of the classroom, “…you know. it’s kind of complicated.” chigiri makes a face that would get him the role of a disappointed mother in a tv drama. “it’s not. you do realize the two of you got more matching things than my sister and her boyfriend, right? and those two are shameless. what the hell are you afraid of?” reo honestly could give chigiri a list there and then. but, with a part of his brain focusing solely on your smile, he merely leans against the window frame and sighs, “…yeah. i wonder.” it’s so simple that it has become the furthest thing from one—reo, unreasonably and consciously, tries to reason.

you peer toward reo discreetly. sitting across him just like this for the nth time, even after so so many years, you still find your heart skipping a beat and three each time you see him. it’s not hard to like reo. he has good looks, smart, talented, friendly, bright, and is still very much a hard worker despite his family upbringing. it truly makes so much sense why he is so well-liked and popular. you could give your own testament to that, after all.  from the very first day when he offered his hand and name to you, you have known that reo has a brilliance that only few could rival–and even then you would confidently say that no one could ever truly outshine reo in your eyes. you have shared many years with him, growing up with him almost like a confidant to a prince. you have seen many parts of reo and–at moments where he laughs victoriously and at moments where frustration gnaws at him–to every single piece of those, your eyes could only gaze at them fondly. and you are more than aware that being so close to reo, being able to see all of those, is not a privilege given to anyone. it’s because you stand behind the line called ‘a childhood friend’, never stepping on them even out of your selfish feelings, that you could have that privilege. and if, by any means, you could stay beside reo for a long, long time, by keeping those feelings silenced then– “hey,” a pen taps your book lightly, reo’s voice following along with a question, “did you find a question you’re stuck on?”

“i know you don't want to see me,” reo says to the phone—to you, still panting heavily as he leans against your door, “but at least—please listen to me.” you sit quietly on the other side of the door. your eyes still sting and you know you still don’t really want to see his face. you know you should just hang up. “okay, so,” reo begins, pausing for a moment, taking a deep breath. loudly and confidently he says, “i like you too.” you blink at that. not knowing how to react as your eyes widened. “what—” “i know you probably think i am a pathetic piece of turd right now but at least, i want to say this before everything else,” he continues on, fully relying on his heart and his teammates’ advice—going against every principle of calm businessman hammered into his brain. “i like it whenever we do something together, since long ago. i like it when we talk, i like listening to you, i like being listened to by you, i like it when we walk to school together—actually, can we keep all those even after this? i might actually go bald if we don’t. you still like my hair right—” “reo—” “i…” as if just realizing that he can no longer turn back, reo takes in a deep and sharp breath. after a loud embarrassed gulp, he repeats “…i like you. really like you. as a lover. please go out with me.” for someone who has been on the receiving end of many confessions, reo feels like a newborn baby fish. after all these years, it surely takes a lot of guts and courage—also a fucking stupid fight with you that he should immediately apologize for after this—just for him to spit all those words.

notes: @yoisami sakiii!! i hope u like this. i tried to potray it in a familiar, soft way that is kind of shoujo esque, i hope i succeeded. also purple and yellow because it's the color of the dawn, and hey reo's hair is purple which contrasts nicely with yellow haha .if it's just a bit entertaining for you it will be more than enough! :> i hope the angst is enough darling even tho it's only implied lolol thank you so much for joining my lil event babe, also happy new year! i wish u many many happiness ahead ₊˚⊹♡

[luveline]

i've been going through a really similar experience with my own writing, so i really empathise with the way you're feeling. it fucking sucks. especially because (for me, at least) people being supportive about it almost makes you feel worse (and then in turn feeling bad about people being nice makes you feel EVEN worse, like what a vicious fucking cycle). like, i know they're being so genuinely kind but it fundamentally clashes with whatever's going on in my brain so it's easy to disregard or see it as disingenuous or overly optimistic (like, i don't feel talented. i don't feel like a particularly noteworthy writer. so i'll just smile and say thank you and then go back to feeling like shit and obsessing over the negative comments)

ANYWAY what really spoke to me was the way you said even thinking about your blog, or a character that caused anon hate, or any of it inspires dread. i feel that way too. i went m.i.a. from tumblr for a solid few weeks because of it, and even then i couldn't stop thinking about it and feeling awful. like my heart would race when i thought about opening the app or reblogging something or ANYTHING

also, the feeling that you're betraying yourself (blegh corny) is so fucking real. like you're giving up on something you've put so much time and effort and thought into (and that people keep telling you means a lot to them, too) just because someone maybe said or did something not so nice to you. it feels like shit. like you're weak for getting upset over something (that, to be fair, most people would be upset over) because none of this is meant to be that serious

i don't know if this is helpful in the slightest (especially because it's kind of just me talking at you about something you already understand and experience) but i want you to know that you speaking about how you're feeling made me feel seen because it's so similar to how i'm feeling. it's like, the things that used to be fun on here aren't anymore because you have to exist in a intensely self aware space where you overanalyse everything you do/say and feel at least a little nervous every time you get a notification or some interaction, even if (proportionately) the odds are it's something very supportive

(no pressure to answer this, i just felt like letting you know that what you're going through isn't a personal failing... or if it is then we are personally failing together lol)

no really I'm gonna kiss you on the mouth cause god am I I sorry you're going through this but christ I am fucking relieved 😭😭 I'm so sorry for being relieved

I KNOW it's tacky, it will always be tacky, but every time someone says to me "You're a good writer" I have that moment (which changes in length depending) where Im just thinking no I'm not. I don't like to make other people feel bad or awkward and I know the right thing to do is say thank you, but when you don't believe what the other person is saying, the thank you doesn't feel as genuine as they deserve and then you hate yourself for hating yourself

The dread thing, I'm so glad to know you know how that feels, but so sorry too, but there's a big relief in knowing my brain hasn't individually pathologised a new strain of worrying. And the weight of self awareness. I think, besides fighting with yourself, there will always be people who want to misunderstand you. If you don't phrase something specifically and add disclaimers you worry later on that someone will emerge from the woodwork and neg about it because that's a thing people really do. And so, like you said, notifications stopped making me happy and started to make me worry instead. I turn my anonymous asks off after I make a personal post most of the time because I know from experience that someone will find error in what I've said and seek to correct me, and it's kind of the same for fic. I used to be really excited after posting a new chapter, now I turn off my phone 😭 Not saying this is the absolute 100% source of my dread, but it def doesn't help!

Thank you for letting me know angel. I don't know if anything that I've said in return has any merit, or even makes sense, or is useful to you, but I'm really grateful to know how you feel

[akookminsupporter]

Regardless of who is straight, gay, bi, any part of the lgbt+ and who is dating and who is not, why does this matter so much to so many people? In my opinion even if any of them are anything but straight, unfortunately we will never know just because of the way they live and where they live. And honestly, if someone is part of the lgbt+ community in that group, that is not our business. Last I checked, we are here for the music, the message, their bond with each other, because we feel happy with them etc and not just so we can prove someone is straight and has been dating since debut. And I am _not_ talking about being part of the lgbt and relating to one of their songs, because it feels queer-coded, because that is a different thing. And yes, I do think a lot of their songs are queer-coded (Taegimin I am looking at you), and yet it still isn't our business if they are dating or not or gay or not. And like where do these people even live? Why do they think a bunch of men in their LATE 20s have never dated someone?? Like we can joke about them being bitchless, but please do not take these seriously. These are jokes. Of course they had relationships, of course they will have relationships, and maybe some of them have relationships right now. But these people, who try to create a narrative and force it onto one of the boys are exactly why we will potentially never know if they have a significant other or not. /1

/2 You (not you Rosie, general you) all are so hell-bent on trying to prove something, because you are trying to put a narrative on their relationships and try to control it. Just because someone with a thousand followers on twitter dot com says 'Jimin is straight and has a girlfriend, here is a thread:' that does not make it true. We don't know them. We will _never_ know them that closely/intimately. I don't mean to sound angry or attack anyone, and I know just because I will write an anon ask it will not stop, but can we please stop overanalysing anything and everything they do. Making a [insert member name] secretely hates [insert other member name] video that is 10 minutes long will not make them hate each other in real live. God, I really wish people could understand that even with all this content, which we are drowning in, we still don't know much about them. This is only like 5%. And they are showing this 5% because they love us, because they _want_ us to know, and what you do with this information is take it and make it into something that is not there. That's not only a weird and stupid thing but disrespectful towards the boys too.

Opinions.

[catholicjinx]

when i write poems i don't finish them in one sitting because im there overanalysing everything i wrote going through all the possible structures i remember from hs to see if it's even similar to some

editing it until my eyes are red thinking its stupid, loving it, removing a word just to add the same word again, hating it again

and when im tried and exhausted with it all i just decide that when the "shit's hit me agian" i will finish it

this never happens btw

when i write at All i have to finish it in one sitting or i will be so disappointed in myself

[melonmelts]

meow meow meow

I need to rant about things that have been on my mind and it's silly to do it on tumblr but I want to keep track somewhere, and rn I feel like tumblr is the way to go! although I feel so much more content with life, like I haven't felt this hopeful in years! all my evil thoughts keep hanging around, and sometimes they all come flooding in at once. so I just need to write it out and that way I can see everything more clearly.

I fear no matter how happy I am and no matter who I surround myself with, I will always stick to the same way of thinking. I'm afraid and lonely, but also longing for love and validation. I try to feel content on my own, and convince myself I'll be safe and happy on my own, but it's not enough. theres a difference between feeling alone vs being lonely, and it feels like I'll never have a choice. I'm too tired. I'm tired of sudden changes, and feeling so out of control. I'm tired of feeling like thing's are getting better, only to get hit with some random major life change or experience fucking plot twist out of nowhere and or all my emotions coming back to surface. goshhhh my brain, my fucking brain.

I will always overthink and overanalyse everything; too aware of how other's perceive me but unaware of how I perceive myself, and who I am, how I feel about myself. I will always feel jealousy bubbling up slowly eating away at me - I feel envious of everyone, even my closest friends, about the smallest things.

I will inevitably resort to distancing myself, hiding from everyone, and avoiding everything. I can't afford to hurt anyone anymore, it genuinely tears me apart knowing that the closer people get to me, the worse they'll feel around me or about me. I will always feel the need to distance myself from other's before they get the chance to leave me, it's happened all throughout my life, I can't trust myself to be able to fufill someone's needs, to make them feel happy and comfortable around me. I make everyone worry and feel paranoid and by distancing myself it feels like I'm doing it on purpose. no matter how much love I receive, I feel like it eventually fades away because I'm too scared of being vulnerable, too close to people. everything ends up kicking in and I become so extremely self aware and open my eyes to everything I so bpindly missed. I always think - how oblivious can I fucking be. it makes me never want to speak to anyone ever again. I feel so out of touch, so selfish and unaware, yet too aware at the same time?

no one's perfecf and it's okay to make mistakes, but I feel like when I do, it makes too much of an impact, and god do I feel like such a horrible person.

I will always be sensitive to the smallest things. any criticism, even if it's constructive, it makes me feel like an absolute failure and want to drop everything and give up.

I feel the most stable I've been compared to the past few years, but I'll always be atleast a bit unstable and unpredictable. I fucking hate being perceived I hate it I hate it. I always fear I'll hurt everyone because the more comfortable I am with someone the less I think before I speak, and the more likely I am to hurt people.

so I drift away from everyone, I can't reply, I subconsciously stop myself from becoming too close to people, but sometimes I cant help it.

it's jusy a contant battle between myself and my brain but its getting better

things are getting better I have gone through so much already and I'm still here and I'm still going even if its just a little bit at a time.

gosh i cant be bothered to reread i am going to regret this but whageverr

[larryshipandkidrauhl-blog]

Here are a few things I noticed about myself…

I think I may be autistic? But idk for sure and I’m scared to go get diagnosed because I don’t know what I or the people closest to me would think… but I heard it helps to make a list about things that made you relate to autism… so here Is mine… I will add things when I notice new things…. (Also I’m still learning so much about autism and hopefully I won’t offend anyone with this, if I do I’m terribly sorry)

I stim a lot… always drawing circles or hearts everywhere, nail biting, skin-picking

When talking I stare into the others eyes and forget to listen to what they’re saying

I just realised I use sarcasm as a coping mechanism but I almost to never understand when or if someone else is using sarcasm… 👀

Obsessions and unhealthy attachment to people

Special interest like animals and music when I was younger, also W.I.T.C.H. & Harry Potter, Shakespeare (at an early age? Read all the classics at 10 I think? No one with the same age I knew did that) in general movies, books and tv shows… and I didn’t just consume them.. I needed to know everything, watch every movie from that universe, watch every interview from the actors I could find…Now the MCU, Friends, bunnies, Disney,

I hear noises others can’t

Can’t bear backgroundnoises, they make me crazy. Noises I know are sometimes okay (if I know my heater makes a noise at home, I know this for like 20 years) but in a library it drives me crazy.

Bad at smalltalk

I find it weird talking to strangers?! But I’m nice so if anyone talks to me first, I will talk but I don’t know how to keep a conversation going.

Talking to more than one person is stressing me out

Also wanting to cry and dissociate myself when too many people are talking

I cry a lot without knowing why

Really low stress tolerance

Infodumping (about special interests)

Oversharing

Overanalysing people‘s actions

Analysing strangers

Masking?

Oversleeping because exhaustion but never rested.

Sleeping problems

Almost to always getting the joke last

So often I don’t get the joke at all.. people try to get me there with special looks but I don’t understand them. Feels weird.

Being told I’m mature for my age… because I could hold eyecontact with adults….

Wanting to cry when left out but won’t do anything about being included.-> Self sabotaging behaviour

Hearing people laugh without me hurts me.

I want to be alone as soon as I’m with many people I don’t know. If I’m not in the middle with them, like standing out or a place to sit is missing or people would have to move to make place for me, I’m out. I want to go.

Scrolling and writing on my phone is like stimming. My phone is probably my safety object

I hate when plans are being overthrown… I hate changes. I can’t stand them. They make me sick and itchy.

Routines. My day is really bad if I can’t fulfil my routines

How do y’all befriend someone? It’s literally a mystery to me.

It’s hard for me to describe my feelings… I got better at it but it’s still very hard.

It’s so hard for me to stay in contact with the people I love.

I don’t get how people can talk/ chat with someone all the time?! I mean sometimes I want to but I really don’t know how

I know how it feels what I want to say but I don’t know or can’t find the words to say it

Loud noises make me anxious

Feeling dizzy when things get too loud or the sun’s shining too bright… literally almost fainting

I don’t know how to flirt

And I don’t know when or if someone is flirting with me

Im a professional singer but always had a problem with dancing or grooving while singing… I don’t know why but recently I tried to just feel the music and it makes me so emotional I want to cry every time I do. I think I’ve been masking all the time when on stage and was feeling and looking like a robot… 👀

Celebrity crushes - hyper focussing on people… people as special interests, like Taylor Lauter, Tom Felton, Tom Holland, MGG… needing to know everything about them

When I watch a show I need to know what will happen or I’ll be anxious all the time

Problems with exams when I have to do work on my own and it isn’t described in every detail how I should do the work.

Caffeine doesn’t affect me. It only makes my heart race like hell but it’s not making me more awake.

[animeomegas]

Imagine that Sasuke is having problems with his 'future alpha', he doesn't understand some dating methods and ends up 'reluctantly' going to ask Itachi's alpha.He just blushed saying 'I can't believe I'm doing this but I need some advice'.Itachi's alpha comes home late looking happy and Itachi holding his dog asking where he's been.

Anon: I think Sasuke would only start liking Itachi's alpha after they help him stand up to a bigger, stronger, more trained betas and/or Alphas. Because I don't see him as someone who might ask for help from anyone, and his brother's alpha somehow saw them bully him and push him around, so they tell him how to one up those annoying people. (Maybe buy him ice cream or something after). This young Sasuke vs Itachi's alpha thing should be a show, because I'd sell everything I own to watch it.

(Anon 1: This is a big brain idea, anon, thank you for your service 🤭 I changed it a little, how that's okay!)

(Anon 2: I think you're absolutely right that Itachi's alpha does something big for Sasuke when he's at a low point, and it ends up changing their relationship for the better in a lot of ways. I decided not to go with bullying though, because Sasuke seemed to fit this scenario moreso. Also, ahhh, I'm so happy you're liking this mini series!!!!! I'm having so much fun writing it and it fills me with joy that other people are enjoying it just as much!!!)

...

Okay, so, Sasuke has never been the most intuitive when it comes to emotions. And he’s also never been great at acknowledging or learning about culture surround a/b/o dynamics because he’s always been adamant that he doesn’t care for it or need it.

But now Sasuke is starting to think that may have been a mistake. Because things are going wrong with this whole courting situation (that Sasuke still can’t believe is happening to him.)

Things were fine! But now the alpha courting him is getting colder and not wanting to train as much, and Sasuke doesn’t know what’s changed! He’s angry and upset about it.

He’s been brooding for about a week about the whole situation, but now he’s decided to ask someone for advice.

His friends are useless. His mother just laughed and told him it would work out if it was supposed to. Shisui is on a mission. He’d rather die than ask Kakashi sensei. So, unfortunately, he had to ask his brother, even though he was sure to get some embarrassing and invasive questioning from him. The sadist.

So, he goes to see his brother.

Who isn’t there.

His brother’s alpha tells him that Itachi is out with their pup all day running errands and taking him for his bi yearly check-ups. But Sasuke needs to know what’s going wrong and how to fix this now! He doesn't have time to wait for Itachi to be done with his stupid errands!

His brother’s alpha notices how tense he is and asks if he would like to stay for some tea, and Sasuke accepts before he thinks about what he's doing. Their relationship is much better nowadays but Sasuke can’t help but feel a little awkward around them still.

…

“Here,” they say, sliding two teacups onto the table. “You like green tea, right? It’s the only type we have in, you know what Itachi’s like with tea.”

“Green tea is fine,” Sasuke says politely if a little stiff.

His brother’s alpha sits down at the other side of the couch with their own tea, and the two sit in silence for a bit, each sipping their own tea

“Sasuke,” they say, shooting him a concerned look. “If you need me to go and get Itachi, I can. You don’t look well, he’ll come back in an instant if you ask him to.”

��No,” Sasuke answers quickly. “It’s fine… I…”

Here goes nothing.

“I’m just having a bit of trouble at the moments, is all, and…”

Itachi’s alpha nods, obviously listening intently with a look of concern on his face that is making this both harder and easier for Sasuke at the same time.

“Go on, Sasuke, I’m listening.”

“I’m sure Itachi told you about my… my er situation,” Sasuke starts, wishing he could punch himself in the face for phrasing it like that.

“That someone’s courting you?” they ask gently.

Sasuke only nods, face burning. He can’t count the number of times he’s told Itachi’s alpha to their face that he’d rather die than enter a courtship. This is so awkward, why is he doing this?

“Did they do something to make you uncomfortable, Sasuke?” they ask immediately after seeing his hesitance. “Because if they did, we can sort it out together okay? It’s not your fault.”

“No!” Sasuke immediately protests far louder than he intended too. “They didn’t… They didn’t do anything, I just… I think I did something wrong…”

Sasuke pretends to drink his tea to avoid having to elaborate any more, despite the fact that it’s still too hot.

“What did you do that was wrong?” they ask, voice still quiet and soothing and Sasuke hates how comforting he finds it. Like it or not, his instincts had branded Itachi’s alpha as ‘safe’ many years ago.

“I don’t know,” Sasuke admits, fiddling with the rim of his cup. “They seemed sad one day and I just thought they had a bad day or something, but now they’re… cold.”

“They aren’t behaving how they were behaving before?”

Sasuke shakes his head.

“Is it possible they have an issue at home or with some of their friends? It might be something in their personal life that's upsetting them.”

Sasuke shakes his head again.

“They seem fine when they’re with everyone else…” he admits. “It’s just me.”

Sasuke forces back the burn of tears he can feel behind his eyes. He will not cry. He won’t do it.

His brother’s alpha hums sadly.

“And you want to figure out what happened?” Sasuke nods. “Okay, why don’t you walk me through what happened on the days leading up to the mood change.”

And so Sasuke does.

He tells them all about how they would meet for training every day and Sasuke would bring two bento boxes for lunch, and then they would sometimes go shopping or go out to eat. Things he hasn’t told anyone about yet. And as he's talking, he really can't see what the problem is, everything seems fine! But maybe Itachi’s alpha might know some alpha thing that he doesn't. Sasuke can easily admit that it’s not his forte.

“I see,” Itachi’s alpha says after Sasuke had finished his story. Sasuke’s tea sits cold on the table next to his brother’s mate’s empty cup. “I think I know what happened.”

Sasuke looks up immediately. No way they’ve already figured it out that easily!

“They thought you were rejecting them,” Itachi’s alpha says simply.

“Wha- But…we spent everyday together! How could that be a rejection?!”

“When an alpha is courting an omega,” they start to explain. “They’re trying as hard as they can to prove to that omega that they can be a good mate.”

“I know that,” Sasuke snaps.

“Listen to me for a second, Sasuke," they softly reprimand. "So, when an alpha, particularly a younger one, is courting an omega, they are very sensitive to rejection, they look for it everywhere.”

“Why?” Sasuke asks, dumbfounded.

“Well, when I was courting your brother, we weren’t that much older than you are now, and I remember thinking that he was the most perfect person in the whole world,” their eyes take on a faraway look as they reminisce. “I was so sure that he must have had hundreds of alphas clawing for his attention every day, and so I was desperate to prove to him that I could be a good mate.

“With every gift, on every date, I would watch his reaction to everything, overanalysing every laugh and smile and frown. I loved him so much, but I couldn’t help but think that he would reject me at any moment. He was too good for me, and I knew that. It always felt like he was humouring me, especially at first.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Yeah,” they laugh, unoffended by Sasuke’s harsh tone. “Looking back, I guess it was, but what I’m trying to tell you, is that I can see how some of your actions could have been taken as rejection by a young alpha who was expecting to be rejected.”

“But…” Sasuke says, looking lost. “I didn’t want to reject them, I don’t understand.”

“Here,” they continue patiently. “Let me explain it to you like this. When you went out to eat, you paid for yourself even though they offered, right? Because you didn't want to burden them?"

“Yeah,” Sasuke trails off, unsure what that has to do with anything.

“But to a young, hormonal alpha, you’re basically telling them that you don’t trust them to provide for you, the one thing they are trying most to convince you."

“But I wasn’t-“ Sasuke protests.

“I know you weren’t,” they reassure him. “But that’s the sort of thing that will run through an alpha’s head at that age when courting. Also, you told them you wanted to train with them because you thought they were strong because you wanted to compliment them, right?”

Sasuke blushes but nods.

“And that’s great to start with, but eventually they would probably start to wonder why you wouldn’t want to train just to spend time with them. And you also told them that you had plenty of leftovers to make their lunch with so that they wouldn’t feel like they were burdening you, right? But that just made them feel like you weren’t going out of your way to do something special for them, even though you were. Do you see what I mean now?”

Sasuke blinks, rapidly trying to wrap his head around all this new information.

“And I also have a guess as to what pushed them over the edge into thinking you were rejecting them.”

“What is it?” Sasuke demands. “Tell me.”

“Did they make that scarf for you by hand, Sasuke?”

“Yes,” says Sasuke hesitantly.

“And they scented it?”

Sasuke nods affirmative.

“Did you give anything back?”

“I… Just said thank you… is that not right?”

Itachi’s alpha shakes their head with a patient smile.

“A handmade and scented gift is the most important and meaningful courting gift that there is, Sasuke,” they explain. “It’s what you give to someone to ask them if they want to move from courting to something more serious, to intended mates.”

Sasuke blushes and feels some panic rising in his chest.

“I didn’t know!” he blurts, feeling the need to explain himself.

“I know,” they rush to reassure him. “But the etiquette dictates that the omega, if they wish to move onto that stage, gives the alpha a handmade and scented gift in return, no later than a week after the original gift was given. They must have been very nervous waiting for you, and very upset when you didn’t even let them down softly.”

“It’s been two weeks,” Sasuke whispers, mortified that he had missed something he should have known. This makes so much sense. The sudden depression, the awkwardness at training, the nerves after they had given him the scarf. He’s such an idiot. Against his will, Sasuke starts to feel tears burning at his eyes again. He messed everything up!

“Oh, Sasuke,” they say, scooting closer to him. They hesitantly lay a hand on his leg, and Sasuke makes no move to push them off. “It’s alright, you can fix it.”

“How?” he sniffs, furiously wiping away any tears that manage to escape. “They probably hate me now.”

“Come here,” they say, pulling him into a hug. And for the first time ever, Sasuke accepts a hug from his brother’s alpha.

“It’s alright,” they soothe. “We can fix this, I’ll help you.”

“What can I do?” he questions, feeling miserable.

“You need to make them something and scent it. Then you can explain what happened afterwards, but the gift should go a long way in smoothing over any ruffled feathers. I can help you make something, what do you want to make?”

Sasuke shrugs, still resting his head on his brother’s alpha’s shoulder.

“How about some cupcakes? Itachi and I were planning on doing some baking with the pup tomorrow, so I have all the supplies. And I’m sure we have some ribbon lying around, you can scent the ribbon and use it to tie up the box, how does that sound?”

“But what will you use tomorrow?” Sasuke asks, feeling a little better, but still red in the face.

“I can buy more, Sasuke, don’t worry, but this is a courting emergency, so we have to do it now, okay?”

“Okay.”

…

Itachi comes back from his errands just in time to watch his mate helping his little brother tie a ribbon around a box of cupcakes. The kitchen is covered in baking supplies and empty bowls of batter.

Did they bake cupcakes together?

Itachi can’t believe it. He had been trying to get them to get along better for years.

When Sasuke sees him standing in the door, he blushes and, holding the box of cupcakes to his chest, pushes past him and out the door with a quick nothing more than a quick and murmured greeting.

His pup wiggles in his arms and demands to be put down. He obliges and they immediately run to his alpha for a hug.

“Hey there, buddy, have a good day?”

“It was boring,” they complain. “And the mednin had cold fingers.”

Itachi’s alpha laughs.

“Well, I know something that might make you feel better,” they tease.

“What?! What?!”

“Uncle Sasuke made you something very special,” they say, bringing down a spare cupcake from on top of the counter, iced in his pup's favourite colour. The way his pup’s eyes widen at the sight of it, makes Itachi smile. “You can have it after dinner, okay, and next time we see uncle Sasuke we have to remember to say thank you.”

Itachi watches in amusement as his pup nods furiously and immediately runs off to go wash up for dinner, despite the fact that Itachi hasn’t even started cooking it yet.

“Did you and Sasuke bake together?” Itachi asks, still unbelieving of what he had seen.

You smile, understanding how crazy that must have been for Itachi to walk in on.

“Yes, we… had a little bonding session,” they say. “I’ll tell you about it later, I promise.”

Itachi accepts the answer despite his curiosity and joins his alpha is cleaning the kitchen so that he can start cooking dinner.

And if both of them were smiling too much, well, neither of them brought it up.

[l4verq]

almost yours | s. r & b.b

pre-serum steve x reader, bucky x reader

in which you’re sure you’ll fall for bucky soon enough

warnings : angst, mentions of death, war, fights

fic : oneshot?

masterlist

|| gif by @go-fandom-imagines ||

-

“I can do this all day.”

You roll your eyes cause you know he can’t.

“No, he can’t.” You trudge in between the filth, your peep-toe heels doing little to help you walk.

On closer inspection, the man is clearly intoxicated. He has his hands squared up, body swaying slightly but firmly planted infront of Steve.

You know he’s already had a few punches in judging by the bruises on his knuckles and the cuts on Steve’s face.

Steve mutters a silent curse as he sees you walking up to them.

Why did you always have to see him in such a pathetic state like this?

You give a stern look at him like always and he can’t meet your eyes every damn time.

“Who are you?” The man slurs, the smell of alcohol almost suffocating you.

“His friend.” You lift your neck a little higher as you meet the man’s eyes, your heart beating out of your chest.

Friend. Of course, that’s what he is to you.

“Y/N.” Steve steps in between, shielding you from the man.

You’re about to give him a piece of your mind when you’re shoved back roughly, falling into a pile of trash.

“A broad should know better than to meddle in men’s business.” The man wags his finger before repeatedly hitting Steve who’s yelling at you to run.

You hastily unstrap your heels and fling it across with a smack against the man’s back.

But the punches don’t stop.

“Stop, you stupid geezer.” You scream, grabbing his hair and thrashing your arms around, hoping you get a solid punch in.

“Hey!” The man slips away from your grasp as Bucky grabs him and pulls him away from the both of you.

“Pick on somebody your size.” He snarls, ramming his arm into the man’s body, making him double over in pain.

The man staggers off and Bucky turns to face the both of you, anger evident in his eyes.

“I don’t want to hear it.” He objects as soon as you open your mouth.

“Steve, you good?”

“I’ll live.”

You two share a sheepish smile as Bucky helps him up.

“Okay, just so you know, this thing you guys have with getting beat up in alleys is stupid and moronic.” Bucky huffs, hands on his hips, foot tapping the ground impatiently.

“I was just trying to help Steve.”

“I didn’t need any help.”

“Says the guy who’s just had his ass handed to him.”

“Okay, funtime’s over. You have an aptitude test today, we can’t be late.” Bucky intervenes, retrieving your heel.

“Go to the hospital!” You shriek as Steve limps his way out.

He never stayed. He never could.

Because he didn’t like his thoughts when he’d see you and Bucky together.

Bucky sighs, kneeling on the ground, with your heel in hand.

He glances at you for approval before strapping on your heel for you.

“Thank you.” You mumble, a dull ache spreading throughout your elbows as the adrenaline subsides.

“Are you hurt anywhere?” He asks, concern in his eyes.

This is when you hate yourself the most. Disgusted with yourself because you can’t bring yourself to accept the unconditional love that he has for you. Disgusted that you keep telling yourself you’ll fall for him soon enough.

“I’m fine.” You lie, something fairly common to you.

-

“Still mad?” Steve sits next to you, hands shoved in his jacket.

You notice he did go to the hospital, judging by the white bandage on his hand peeking out.

“Maybe.”

He smiles but it quickly turns into a grimace, the cuts on his lips still healing.

“Heard you got in.” You continue, transfixed on his blue eyes.

“Had to see the look on your father’s face. Priceless.”

The two of you burst out laughing, his face contorted in a mix of pain and laughter making you laugh even more.

Your father, Colonel Chester Philips had made it clear on several occasions that Steve would never make it in the army despite your best attempts to convince him otherwise.

“Don’t forget about me when you get all buffed up and go off fighting scary men.” You joke, half serious.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

There it starts again. The stupid fluttering in your heart as you dare to think his gaze at you right now means anything more. And the guilt that floods in right after.

“You two take care of each other.” You both look over at Bucky waving at you from the registration office.

Childhood friends, you’d never known life without the two of them. And now both of them were leaving to possibly never return.

“We’ll be back before you know it.” He gives a soft smile because he knows how much you hate that he’s going too. How much you hate the war. How much you hate that your father’s never home.

He’d made up his mind about this years ago when he realised an asthmatic 90 pound man wasn’t exactly the ladies’ man but the butt of the joke and an easy prey for bullies.

And he didn’t like bullies.

But right now, the way you’re looking at him, his heart wavers a little.

“We are all set to go. You have been assigned to Camp Lehigh.” Bucky arrives, waving a form at Steve.

Your heart drops as it sinks in that they have to leave now. Tears spring to your eyes which you try to blink away.

“I’ll write you whenever I can.” Steve gets up, eyes glossy.

“You’d better.” You smile at him, an uncomfortable ache growing in your heart.

You almost give in to embracing him but the rock on your left hand weighs you down.

He lingers around for a while, perhaps thinking the same. But, he gives a smile, walking away towards the office.

“He’ll be okay,” Bucky reassures you, placing his hands on your shoulders, “Steve’s a tough cookie.”

You look up at your fiance, a lump forming in your throat.

“I’m going to miss you two.” You bite down on your quivering lip as a single tear trickles down your cheek.

God, were you beautiful, he thinks, gently wiping your tears away.

He hated leaving you, each time hurting quite possibly even more than the previous.

If you’d just ask him to stay, he’d leave everything right then and there all for you.

But you never do.

He leans in and you think he doesn’t catch the slight clench of your jaw but he does, everytime.

Each time, he rationalises it in his head, chiding himself for overanalysing.

Cause it’d hurt to think otherwise.

A ghost of a kiss on your forehead you barely feel as you force yourself to swallow the growing lump.

-

The mornings were tolerable.

A few chores here and there. Breakfast if you felt like it. Maybe drop by the salon, have a little chat with the girls.

You kept busy, finding faults in your own cleaning everytime. A spot you definitely missed while cleaning yesterday, you immediately attend to it, scrubbing away.

Sometimes, your father stopped by during the late afternoons, carrying a bag of fresh produce from the local market.

He’d little to say about Steve’s training, gruffly humming whenever you enquired.

Then, you’d have dinner with him, pretending that it wasn’t awkward having an empty seat across you that once belonged to your mother.

The last time you saw your father smile was during your engagement to Bucky. He’d pulled you in a tight embrace, wordless.

It wasn’t like this before.

He actually stayed home, smiled often and had a spark in his eyes.

But after your mother passed, it felt like he was just going through the motions everyday. Buried himself in more work, drowned himself in alcohol somedays.

You couldn’t blame him. You were no better, bottling up your own feelings.

But you wished he’d remember he still had you.

The nights were unbearable.

More often than not, you’d wake up in a cold sweat, heart still racing from the nightmares that plagued your mind.

Then, the worries’d take over.

The war was unforgiving and cruel and you’d pray every night that they wouldn’t fall victim to it.

The shiny rock on your hand catches your eye as it glistens in the moonlight. It’s a thin, silver band with a delicate diamond on top.

You felt like an impostor wearing it.

But, you’d gotten used to it. You’d just remember your mother’s wish, the way Bucky’s face broke out into a smile when you said yes and your father’s brief moment of happiness.

It didn’t help when you remembered Steve.

You don’t really know what you were expecting when you gave him the news. Maybe, you wanted to see if he’d be affected by it? If he felt the same way for you as you did him?

“I’m happy for you two.”

He had the biggest smile on his face as he tugged around with Bucky, teasing him.

But his eyes. You could swear you saw a flicker of sadness in them for just a split second or maybe you were just delusional, projecting your own feelings.

Most probably, the latter.

You pull the neatly folded up letter from your drawer, opening it for the umpeethn time.

Skimming over the scrawlings, your eyes land at the very end where Steve promises to return in the next few days.

You’d received the letter three weeks ago.

Your father’d informed you that Steve’d agreed to an experiment, where he’d be injected with a serum that would apparently make him a super soldier of some sorts.

“Is it safe?”

The grim silence that followed twisted your insides up into knots.

“We don’t know.” Your father grunted, the greying on his hair more prominent.

The following week he came bearing news of Steve’s successful transformation. That he’d grown two feet taller and more than a hundred pounds heavier.

You muttered a silent thank you to God as the coil in your stomach loosened.

“Do you want to see them?” Your father looks up at you from the table, eyes not leaving his newspaper.

He couldn’t bring himself to meet your eyes. Not after he’d failed as a father. He’d done a lot wrong but the worst was dissappointing you each time you welcomed him back with a warm meal and forgiving eyes.

You nod, a small smile breaking out at the thought of them.

One of the few privileges that came with being the daughter of a Colonel was to be able to go to the Army base closed off to everyday people.

That evening, Bucky arrived, daisies in hand cause he knows how much you like them.

“For my daisy.” He’d say everytime, a grin plastered on his face as you’d roll your eyes, unable to hold back a smile.

You carefully place the letter back into your drawer and crawl under your blanket, hoping to cram in some sleep.

Travelling to Camp Lehigh would take the entire day on a train and you could never really fall asleep anywhere but your own bed.

-

Envy.

The green eyed monster that doesn’t seem to leave your shoulders as your gaze flickers over to them.

A total of atleast six different women have made their rounds, tossing their hair and giggling when he leans in to say something in their ears cause the music’s a little too loud.

But who could blame them?

Steve stood tall at an impressive 6.1 feet, a far cry from the 5.4 he used to be. Though clothed, anyone could see the mass of muscles bulging out, the suit straining whenever he raised his arm.

The first time you saw him, you were speechless.

Bucky had emphasized on the drastic change in Steve’s appearance but you were still taken aback, mouth gaping like a fish out of water.

Everything about him was so different yet his eyes still had that twinkle to them that you always swooned over.

You down your fourth shot in a row, throat burning.

Did she really have to feel his shield and kn-

“Dance with me?” Bucky gives a coy smile, eyebrow quirked up.

Taking his extended hand, he chuckles as you wobble sightly while getting up.

“Someone had a lot to drink.” He comments, guiding you to the dance floor.

A hand slightly above your waist, the other holding your own, Bucky was always a great dancer.

You always let him take the lead as he swayed you back and forth, always managing to expertly avoid stepping on your dress.

You start to regret the alcohol, your head spinning a little.

He seems to notice and lulls down to a gentle pace, holding you tight. You lean into his chest, breathing in the sweet musk that’s just so, Bucky.

He calls your name, barely above a whisper, which you probably wouldn’t have heard if you weren’t so close to him.

You hum in reply, head now leaning on his shoulder.

“Remember that time you got mad at me,”

“and you came crying to me, begging for forgiveness.” You finish his sentence, chuckling.

A throaty laugh rumbles from his chest as well.

“And we promised that we’d never lie to each other anymore.”

You lift your head, to see a soft smile playing on his lips.

“It’s time you kept that promise.” His eyes trails over to Steve.

The low tune that crooned on fades out as a ringing in your ears take over. You could only stare at him, paralysed.

It takes him everything he has in him to stay composed. But he has to do this.

“Tell him, before it’s too late.” He whispers, an urgency in his voice.

You shake your head, tears threatening to spill any moment.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to worry about me.” He reassures you, taking your hands in his.

Shuffling bodies bump into you as you look away, incapable of holding his stare.

If only you’d known it would be the last time you saw him.

-

It’s the last thing he wants to do.

But he tells you anyway that he has to leave. That he needs to go.

Ever since Bucky fell to his death, Steve knew nothing but revenge. All he could really think about was taking down Hydra.

When you found out about Bucky, you’d done the same thing you always did.

Bottle your grief, pushing it down and down and keep busy.

Steve knew this too so he was patient, never poked around too much, lent a shoulder to cry on.

He often blamed himself, the event still haunting him at night, his own mind locking him in an endless tunnel.

But you’d always be there, at the end of it, a dim light that led him out.

“Just don’t die on me.” You whisper, hand grasping onto his jacket as he turned to leave.

This time, you don’t think twice before embracing him.

You want to keep him right there, safe with you.

And he probably would stay if you asked enough but you know he has to do this.

You just wanted to be selfish for once.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He wraps his hands around your waist, allowing himself to bask in your arms for a while.

As he pulls away, his face is so close that you can see the golden flecks splattered throughout his blue eyes, forming a psychedelic pattern that seemed to only hypnotise you.

He leans in before stopping himself, eyes flickering down to your slightly parted lips.

You can’t help but stare at his too.

But, the both of you awkwardly pull away, perhaps both appalled by their own selfish thoughts.

He couldn’t do this to his bestfriend ; you’d always be Bucky’s, not his.

As he leaves with the soldiers, the coil in your stomach tightens even more, heart sinking when he fades out of view.

You immediately station yourself at the air traffic controller office, where you man a radio transceiver.

It’s a large room filled with machines and a screen that displays the plane that he took.

It’s a long, long while before the transceiver crackles, a familiar voice blaring off it.

“Steve?” You grab it, almost jumping out of your seat.

The screen shows the plane heading north, further beyond the grid.

You think he called your name too but it’s barely audible.

Then, you hear it.

The whistling of the wind. The rattling of the controls.

The screen blares a warning when the plane doesn’t seem to stop going down.

“Steve, get out of there now!” You beg as it sinks in that he doesn’t plan to.

“Y/N, I’m sorry.” His voice breaks.

“No, come back to me, please.” The room grows smaller and smaller as the air suffocates you.

A distorted reply arrives.

Your heart breaks at the thought of him all alone in that plane, headed for his death.

“I never really said thank you for all the times you beat up my bullies.”

You smile, swallowing the lump in your throat.

A surge of courage runs through your body as you say the words you’ve wanted to say to him ever since you discovered what love even was.

“Steve, I love you.”

But the line goes dead.

-

a/n : idk wtf this is, it was better in my head lol, might fk around and make this into a mini series😬 also tfatws🤑😈

[satorugojowidow]

i wanna talk about the main reason why some people want utahime to have a major play in the story; because of the ship with gojo (surprise?) so not only is that such a weak argument but also a weak writing of a character, it seems that people just shove aside the whole story thats revolving around satosugu and the consqeuence of their relationship that has caused. or that, gojo should move on from suguru and date utahime so he can "heal"

issue is, they would never work out, i get that some people like the appeal of opposites attract and all that but the problem is they are really opposites OPPOSITES literally, utahime is a minor character that will probably play some role later in the story but thats it, she's not there to help the main character move on from the loss of his love/best friend, and reading into the text and overanalysing their interactions and bending it into something that's not what author is trying to tell is wrong and problematic, i simply cant find any good reason why they would be a good pair. plus im not even sure that utahime truly understands gojo like geto or shoko do, they aren't friends like they are for example so, but she doesn't really need to anyways >>

they like to compare utahime to geto, but they are quite different personality vise, geto complemented gojo in everything, and gojo complemented geto, utahime is different, she likes people like shoko for example, people that aren't wild cards and that are kind a calm. and no i don't like the take that utahime truly hates gojo, hate is a really strong word but she doesn't like him either, she doesn't like spending time with him but she will honor any request he makes of her because he means well in the end, it's just that his personality the way it is, even if you're someone that likes him, you will grow tired of him nonethless, only person who accepted him fully was geto and the fact that they still yearned and missed each other for 10 years is telling. conclude here; gege already said that the only female character it made sense writing a romantic story is miwa, the rest he can't do so, perhaps he just doesn't invision these dynamics for his characters? imo this is totally fine because romance in stories is becoming generic and boring, jjk its self is devoid of such things, apart from satosugu. also it is nearing the end as he stated that 70 precent is already completed, he has some small arcs he wants to do and the rest is to conclude the story, expecting of utahime or any minor character to suddenly be shoved into the plot for no reason and give them any major power boost would be the lazies writing i have ever seen, and i will finish it here that utahime's character has more nuance than being just angry and annoyed all the time, she likes her safe space with people she's friends with, like shoko and surprise, she is a completely different person. the trope where 'if a boy is bullying you then he likes you' is so lame and becoming old and predictable that it simply doesn't work in a world of jjk, end of vent.

I feel bad for those who believe they need to move and date someone else to “heal” and I feel bad for the person who is used as a healing method. I oftenly will read some opinions on fiction and I will wonder how these people live their life? Anyways...

Utahime is indifferent to Suguru’s destiny because they weren’t friends. She could have felt some empathy when it happened but she has moved on, it is not her problem, not her concern. Shoko is a character that can share a conversation with Satoru about Suguru since she was close to both. But Utahime is so out of the picture in this matter.

Utahime doesn’t have a deep understanding of Satoru because she doesn’t care about him. She dislikes him and isn't a friend. They are allies and colleagues, she understands him in those terms, enough to be able to trust in him. And is the same for Satoru, he is not trying to have a deep understanding of her either.

Utahime’s role in the plot is related to her position as a teacher and sorcerer, not an imagined romance with Satoru. I believe we will get to see more of her, but related to jujutsu tech events.

I agree with you, about those topic I have a previous answers here, here and here

[chronicasexual]

TDM Movie Removing Important Details From the Books

I just spent like half an hour writing an essay about the most important things that the TDM movie removed that were originally in the books and why they ruined the movie even more for me. Feel free to add any other big things that were removed because I couldn’t remember everything since I haven’t watched the movie in a while.

Removing Sam and Martin:

Although Sam was technically *in* the movie, she had like half a minute on screen and that was it. They didn’t even drop her name, so I’m considering it the same as them writing her out of the movie because they did her dirty. And although Martin sucked, he was also important. They were both reasons why Ruby was so terrified of her powers, but without them, they made Ruby feel only a fraction of the internalised loathing of her power that she felt in the books. After Ruby had erased her parents memories, seen that orange kid on the bus, and then finally erasing the memories of the person she held dearest to her at Thurmond and the only light she had at that camp, Ruby shut down and didn’t speak for an entire year. Despite having erased herself from her parents, she at least had Sam. So when Sam was erased, she lost all hope. And when she was broken out of Thurmond, the little hope of finding others like her who can help her control her powers and let her be happy was destroyed by Rob and Martin. Thus, removing these two characters removed a huge layer of understanding we got as the readers as to why Ruby is so closed off in the first book. In the movie, had I not known her from the books, I would have simply thought that she’s just being dramatic, and be confused as to why she’s *so* scared of her powers. 

Removing the Jack storyline:

Oh boy. I hated it so much. Jack was so important to Liam and Chubs. Jack’s death made Liam feel so guilty and is what drives him to work even harder to save kids from camps without having any of them die. He feels so guilty about every single death in Caledonia, but Jack was his friend and he left him behind. And without Jack, we have no journey to find Jack’s dad and deliver the letter to him. And without Chubs being shot by Jack’s dad, we never find out in the movie that Chubs trusted Liam would get them out so much that he didn’t even write a letter to his parents. That was such an emotional moment in the book and made me realise how strong their bond was. Instead, we have Chubs getting burnt in a fire. The entire main mission of the first book for Liam and Chubs was to get to East River to find where Jack’s dad lives and deliver it. Without it, we are reduced to them simply looking for East River since it’s a safe haven, even though that removes the purpose of Liam wanting to break more kids out of camps with the help of the Slip Kid. Jack was important. 

Pink Rubber Gloves:

Yes, I am about to rant about why I think removing the scene where Ruby gives Zu gorgeous pink rubber gloves was horrible. Ruby and Zu had a connection in that Walmart in the books, and Ruby sympathised with Zu because they both didn’t have control of their powers and were scared of hurting others with them. To Zu, her yellow rubber gloves were a constant reminder of her lack of control, and they’re another thing she can’t control in her life, as she is technically forced to wear them as a safety precaution. Maybe I’m overanalysing this, but Ruby giving Zu pink rubber gloves in particular was so important. Zu loved the colour pink, and by being able to have her rubber gloves in her favourite colour, she at least regains control of something again: how she displays the things that stopped her from losing control. Control was important to Zu, as we know that her not speaking was also one of the few things she controls in a world that removed her choice and decisions simply because of who she is and her powers. 

Ruby’s Lack of Control:

In the books, Ruby has little to no control of her orange abilities up until she meets Clancy. This lack of control is what constantly sparks her anxiety and fear and what makes her reluctant to interact with others. She feared her powers because not only had she vicariously and directly seen what harm orange powers cause, she didn’t have the control to stop them from hurting others. This causes her to constantly fear touching others, and it emotionally lets the reader understand how vulnerable she is and lets us understand her and form a connection. But in the movies she just… uses them normally? Like I know there was the rare few moments in the books like when she did the Lady Jane thing but in the movies it makes her appear to sure of her abilities and use them effortlessly, like when she simply made those two skip tracers at the motel leave. What the heck???? Not only does it remove so much of her character but in the books she literally didn’t know how to do that stuff and barely had a grip on how her powers worked???

[silverbyuls]

( lee hyeri, cis female, muse i ) oh snap! is that SHIN EUNBYUL they work over at high volume where some of the other employees have labeled them as THE AVERAGE JOE. that’s probably because they can be a bit ( optimistic. ) but also pretty ( dishonest. ) they’re TWENTY TWO and they’ve been living in woodstock for TWENTY TWO YEARS. it must be their shift because i totally hear THE CRANBERRIES blasting from the record store. ( a little tikes piggy bank tucked under the bed, clothing label sticking out from the back, snap clips with varnish peeling off, jelly shoes with the strap taped together, leaving lisa frank stickers along record crates ) @volumeupdates

BIO

the luke hemsworth of the family but middle child

goes by byul

tried to go by ‘e.b.’ but her mum went berserk because she’d reduced her name to two letters for the ease of her yt friends and her brother bullied her for being e.t’s ugly sister so now she tries to go by silver star (her name translated into english) but it doesn’t quite stick

claims that her older sister and younger brother stole all her beauty, brain cells and height

family invested everything into older sister so she could go to college in new york: savings, loans, moved to smaller house which is even further from the town centre

brother requires all attention as he has high hopes of getting into college on a baseball scholarship and she lowkey can’t wait until he’s far away from woodstock

her grades have always been average so no one expects her to leave – her parents talk about how nice it is that she’ll be with them forever but she knows that’s because they want her to take care of them when they’re old … which she would! if they didn’t live in woodstock

she tells them she’s going to move to california, but they think she’s as serious about that as she is about wanting to go to college, or becoming supermodel of the world, or an olympic swimmer, when she has average grades, of average height, and can’t even swim

if her life was a movie, she’d have fallen asleep in the first ten minutes – it has always been so boring and uneventful, so she lives up in her head with her fake scenarios to keep things interesting – most of the time, they’re taken straight from a book or magazine

sometimes these thoughts spill over into reality because she can’t fathom the idea of people realising she’s as plain as she is, and her little white lies give her a bit of sparkle to stand out (in her opinion)

but she will get to california!

she even has a plan:

she’s been working at freddy’s diner since she was fifteen, escaping to high volume whenever she can, a place where she can pop her headphones on during her breaks and pretend she’s getting ogled at on venice beach, but she’s terrible at saving so seven years later she’s still grinding

once she graduates high school, she has enough time for a second job and she’d dropped enough hints in front of jerry for him to kindly offer her a job. after all, she spends as much time in high volume as she does at freddy’s so there’s not much of a difference once she becomes an employee -- still floating around the place, sipping on her coke can, either people watching or people chasing -- except now she has access to the register

after a big argument with her parents, she ended up moving out into a place in the middle of town. that was never part of the plan because saving was easier when she lived at home. she’ll say things got really bad but really, she was just getting closer to her target and she wanted a valid reason to put it off for a bit longer

she was only supposed to do it once – stealing from the cash register. it was just right there, no one was around, and she thought it was going to be her last shift because jerry was angry at her for being late again (granted, he hadn’t actually been mad, but it was one of those days when everything felt personal)

besides, she’d overheard a group of girls she’d idolised in school talk about how they stole some underwear and they made it sound so cool

she felt like everyone could hear her heart thumping against her chest as she walked out of the store but the day after, no one said anything about it, no one even noticed, and she wasn’t fired. so she did it again, and again, and again, and eventually she didn’t even bat an eyelid

the extra money was supposed to help her reach her goal faster but, again, she’s terrible at saving and her parents are so hardworking, she can’t help but feel guilty and buy nice things for them every once in a while and when they ask where she got the money from, she lies and says jerry gave her a bonus for being a good employee

on the other hand, if they’ve had an argument, or they’ve forgotten about her again, she’ll have a full on les-mis-i-dreamed-a-dream episode then splurge out on a cute jacket because it’s hers and it’s new! rather than worn out hand-me-downs from her sister or brother!

started her own side hustle called the separation agency – inspired after a customer at high volume asked her to help him break up with his boyfriend. so she’s the messenger for people who have things to say but don’t have the balls to say it to someone’s face themselves. usually they’re horrible messages, like break ups. she’s had like three customers and tries to promote her side hustle whilst on her shift at high volume

she thinks her “business” could actually thrive in a bigger city which is just another reason why she needs to get out of woodstock – it’s holding her back!

anyway, jerry’s missing, which is perfect for her because she gets to come in late and not get told off, and maybe steal a little more than she usually does

PERSONALITY:

when she’s around people, she seems like an extrovert: bubbly, talkative, dramatic ... which uses up a lot of her energy and her social battery is weak, so needs her own space often, and likes doing nothing by herself so sometimes she’ll lie to get out of plans or bail last minute 

she has big dreams, and talks about all her big plans, but has leaving anxiety which is why she’s shit at saving and makes up excuses as to why she can’t leave just yet 

has main character syndrome -- likes to live her life as a romcom, most of her lies revolve around her love life because she wants to be seen as desirable, but also will overanalyse everything 

sensitive, passionate, immature, sympathetic, fickle, clumsy, dramatic, caring, head in clouds

will pretend to knows things to fit in like ~hipster~ bands or anything really, depends on the crowd

could gladly spend all day talking to customers at work then the next day she’ll prefer to day dream in the storage room

rides a bike to and from work and almost everywhere else too -- the only one out of her siblings who had to bike to school because small car and siblings took up all the space -- she’s had the same bike since high school 

loves spice girls but feels like she’ll be judged so keeps quiet and plays it when she’s closing

honestly could hate you one day and have a crush on you the next but you wouldn’t even know it -- a vicious cycle 

collects stickers and leaves them everywhere and on everyone - often passive aggressive through them, basically uses them like emojis

will try to order food and get others to pay for it - especially kfc, never gets to eat the drumsticks at home so will honestly cry if people steal the drumsticks from her

buys lottery tickets and scratch cards because she has a 50/50 chance of winning

WANTED CONNECTIONS: (current connections)

start up: stolen str8 from a kdrama that ruined my life hehe her parents set her up with a pen pal to keep her busy out of guilt because they’re so busy with her siblings and work and obviously she romanticises it !!! her parents would’ve asked to lie a little bit, just so she’d be writing to someone she’d easily obsess over -- love island vc: someone who ticks all the boxes 

xoxo gossip girl: someone who loves a good gossip sesh -- they probably send 👀 at each other across the store when things feel a bit tense, which is code for ‘meet me in the storage room’ so they can chat away for the rest of their shift

lunch stealer: she makes her own lunch every day and is extremely protective over it but one day it went missing and she knows it was them (maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t) so now they are her sworn enemy

sister’s/brother’s friend: therefore an automatic enemy

shut up: someone who just tells her to shut up because she chats so much shit and she’s insane - just sandra x dina vibes from superstore (x)

carpool karaoke: she hates cycling in when it’s raining, so either she’s trying to get them to be her designated driver or has already succeeded and is annoying about it

crush #1: someone she has a crush on (more of an infatuation) and they’re not interested in her in the slightest but in her head they’re giving her mixed signals and she has made up a fake boyfriend to try to make them jealous

crush #2: someone she thinks has a crush on her. either because they’re nice or tease her or just mean, it doesn’t matter, she’s insane so she’ll interpret it however she wants

ex: they never broke up, or even dated, but she thinks something almost happened between them and she thinks she cut things off by giving them space

separation agency: someone who once used the agency either out of the kindness of their heart or for a different reason entirely and now she won’t stop pestering them to try and get them to use it again

no thots just vibes: i just like this gifset tbh (x) and we can brainstorm ! 

[ravenhealer5]

Okay what about Mikasa jealousy ? Some shippers think that Jean was with other women (in those 3 years they have been apart)What do you think about all that ?

Kinda similar imo. We've seen jealous Mikasa in the story but I don't think that's a very good assessment because

1) the whole time we see her in the story, she's struggling with severe trauma and this trauma mostly connected to Eren ie her bond with Eren is the bond most heavily affected by her trauma.

2) her relationship with Eren is very unbalanced, there's lack of communication and understanding, there's a distance even though they're technically together all the time. so it's not a situation where you can expect anyone to feel secure.

so, I believe an older Mikasa who has overcome her trauma will act differently in a secure relationship. I can see her getting a little jealous when she has started to develop feelings for Jean but isn't exactly aware of it. hypothetically I'll say there will be more scenarios where Mikasa is likely to get jealous than where Jean is likely to get jealous simply because Mikasa is very introverted so she won't be interacting with too many people while Jean is good with people. But I can't see anything over the top. I can, however, see her being scared of losing him because of her past experiences. For example getting worried if he's late at night or she doesn't get his letter in time when he is away for work etc.

I'm putting the second part under a cut.

So, that's not what I personally headcanon but people are free to imagine scenarios however they want.

I used to read a lot of shoujo romance (also josei ) mangas when I was younger and often in those stories the guy is like a sex god who has been sleeping with several other women but the girl is a blushing virgin. I didn't inherently hate this trope when I first came across it but slowly as I saw this pattern repeat I just... got tired. This trope is also very common in fan fiction. The same story where the guy is like yes I slept with those women but you are the one I love the girl will be like do you think I'd give you my virginity if I didn't love you? The subtext here is kinda... interesting. Or at least I find it to be given most cultures around the globe has always attached this virginal image to women, associating it with their 'purity' etc (if you were in aot fandom when the extra pages cane out you'll know we're still not over this mindset, maybe individuals are but as a society we still have a long way to go). I'm not saying people who read or write or enjoy this trope are bad, or supportive of this whole obsession with women's sex life, it's just something I think about (I don't think everyone sits down and overanalyses their every single choice trying to find out the deeper cause behind everything). Hence it's not my cup of tea. For me, if they're gonna have sex with other people it's gonna be both of them, and if they're not gonna have sex with other people it'll be both of them. I think in other places around the world it's super rare to find people who are a virgin at 25 (it seems like a sin past 25) but it's not around me so I don't find it hard to imagine. Also I don't imagine Jean, Connie and Armin were living a fun life those three years I doubt people welcomed them with open arms after what happened so I believe they had things to keep them busy and you know... self help is also an option lmao.

[redeadepression]

Please Stay | John Marston Fic

~~

I’ve decided to make this a small series. John’s inner monologue of all his failures (set in my Modern AU) and interactions with his friends and family/their reactions to his situation.

Jumbled timeline because I write what I feel like lately. But this is the sequel of Don’t Go and Just Ask.

Not sure if anyone is actually reading them but I am enjoying the journey regardless. 

~~

Trigger warning: implied/referenced attempted suicide, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, psychiatric hospitals

Characters: John Marston, Karmen Davis/Karmen Cassady (My OC) Setting: My Modern AU Words: 3582 Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship fluff Summery: John finally having access to his mobile phone brings him some much needed comfort but also extra pain.

~~

PLEASE READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS!

John wasn’t sure he’d slept at all the night before. His eyes were dry and aching and his nose was red raw from wiping it. The muscles in his neck were sore from trying to keep himself quiet and his breath had been hitching involuntarily since the early hours.

He’d thought the first few days had been rough. But they were nothing compared to what he’d experienced after Arthur had left him.

He’d felt lonely plenty of times in his life. But he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt quite so alone as he had watching Arthur’s back retreat down the hallway.

He’d wanted to scream for him to come back. Cry and beg for him to stay by his side despite years of internalized fear of looking weak in front of the other man.

He’d hated himself for it.

Needing someone.

He had a mandatory physic session after visiting hours had ended and as usual, he had refused to speak at all.

His psychologist was a very patient man. Generally, they would sit in a comfortable silence. Every now and then he would ask a question or make a statement and when John didn’t respond he would scribble something in his note pad.

John wondering what the man could possibly gleam from his silence. But he’d never ask. The scratching of the pen on paper made his skin crawl.

The other man reading him like an open book without him ever having to speak. Seeing into his psyche intimately and writing down his findings to be placed in his file alongside mundane information such as his blood type.

John wasn’t sure what vibe he had given off that prompted the doctor to ask if there was something he could do to make his stay more comfortable.

He had scoffed in reply. Asking if the doctors there had always been in the habit of bribing their patients or if he was just special.

The other man had laughed heartily at the retort before replying that their focus at the hospital was to help their patients get better and go home. He simply wanted to know what it was that would make John feel comfortable enough to talk to him.

John had answered immediately that he wanted his phone.

He hadn’t been able to tell anyone where he’d gone.

Hadn’t left a note.

The Doctor had reminded him calmly that patients weren’t permitted to have their cells and if John wanted to contact a friend or relative he could do so through the landlines they had set up where patients could be monitored during their calls.

John had rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to talk on the phone. He hated phone calls with a passion.

He wanted to text.

He didn’t want to hear the emotion in his friend’s voices as he explained what had happened or more accurately, he was terrified of not hearing any emotion at all.

Realising that they didn’t care.

John’s doctor had been silent for a long while. Tapping the end of his pen against his lips as he stared at the large painting above John’s head and lost himself in thought.

“I might be able to get you some time with your phone. If you participate in today’s session.” He’d said finally, again causing John to scoff.

“So a bribe?” He’d asked again, making the other man smile.

“A reward.” He had replied simply.

 ~

 The doctor hadn’t probed too much. Keeping things light and making sure John felt safe as they finally got to know one another.

He’d seemed happy with the results and kept up his end of the bargain. Allowing John to use his phone for a few minutes under the watchful eye of one of the other staff members.

John had held his breath as he’d watched the apple symbol fade away and his lock screen had come into view. He stared at baby Jack as he waited, unconsciously clenching his jaw as he waited to see if anyone had missed him.

He’d let out the breath he’d been holding as the phone began to vibrate. Days of texts and missed calls coming through all at once.

Karmen

Arthur

Karmen

Karmen

Mary-Beth

Karmen

Arthur

He’d mumbled the names as they’d popped up on the screen, feeling a sense of relief but also a great sadness.

“Abigail.” He’d whispered, clicking on the text immediately and ignoring the others. It wasn’t a message from her, but an automated notification to let him know she had called. He started at it, swallowing hard as he read the words:

No voicemail was message left.

He sighed shakily, his heart feeling heavy. He wasn’t sure what he had expected. She knew where he was and more pertinently, she had no reason to miss him.

He swallowed audibly, wiping at his misty eyes as he clicked away and in to Karmen’s messages instead.

23 Missed called. 14 texts.

He felt his heart flutter and for a small moment he felt happy. Every missed call had a voicemail attached and every message asked him where he was.

If he was okay.

His eyes watered as he scrolled through them. He didn’t have time to listen to the voicemails. But the texts were enough to make his heart ache. The desperation he sensed in her messages was palpable.

Guilt bubbled in his chest as he realised he had made her fret.

-

Are you home?

-

Please answer me, I’m worried.

-

Are you okay?

-

John please let me know you’re alright!

-

You’re scaring me :(

-

Please John answer me if you’re okay. xxx

-

Days’ worth of texts begging him to respond. His lips trembled, eyes spilling over as he reached the end of the thread.

His thumbs moved unconsciously across the keys as he replied without thinking.

-

I’m okay

-

He said simply. Staring at the message for a moment before three dots appeared and he knew she was typing back. Surprised by how quick she’d been. Had she really been waiting for him to respond this entire time?

-

Thank God

-

She replied. The three dots appearing again almost instantly as she continued to type.

-

I just spoke to Arthur

-

She replied again, making John’s breath hitch. There was a moment where nothing happened on the screen and John had to look away. Putting his phone down on the table in front of him and rubbing at his eyes. Unable to get rid of the persistent wetness.

His phone vibrated again, and he looked down at the message with blurry eyes.

-

Do you want visitors?

-

The text asked simply, making him choke on a sob as he snatched the cell and replied a quickly.

-

Yes.

-

I’ll be there as soon as I can.

-

She replied, the three dots ever looming.

John typed rapidly, his eyes darting between his phone and the nurse in the corner of the room. He could feel her watching him intently and knew he didn’t have much longer before she took his cell again.

Especially if he couldn’t control his emotions.

-

They’re going to take my phone again

-

John typed urgently, shaky thumb pressing send and causing her dots to disappear for a second before reappearing just as fast.

-

Stay strong honey xx

-

Karmen replied.

John stared at it, heart somehow feeling lighter and heavier at the same time.

The nurse began to walk towards him and he held his phone closer, protectively as he switched back in to Abigail’s messages.

-

Please come and visit

-

He typed hurriedly, feeling sick at the thought of begging. Only just managing to hit send as the nurse held out her hand and told him his time was up.

He handed it over reluctantly. Watching as she turned it off and gestured for him to stand so she could walk him back to his room.

 ~

 John hadn’t slept again or at least he didn’t think he did. He hadn’t been this tired since Jack was a newborn and yet, he couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes.

He’d spent the night staring at the ceiling and overanalysing everything that was said in his last text exchange.

He supposed that’s why they weren’t allowed to have their phones. It was so easy to misinterpret a line of text as opposed to a line that came from the lips. Although John thought, if anyone could still misinterpret a line from the lips it was probably him.

A knock on the doorframe caught his attention and he looked over to find Karmen standing there with a sympathetic smile. She entered without being beckoned as he rushed to sit up and greet her.

“You came.” He said softly when he found his voice, earning himself a frown.

“Of course, I did.” She said incredulously, placing her handbag down on the nightstand and moving to sit in the same chair Arthur had occupied the day before. “Did you not want me to?” She asked, her tone light but her words holding weight.

John had been vulnerable in front of her many times before. But whenever he showed his emotions, he seemed to always have one foot out the door. Readying himself to run away from his problems or just shut down completely at any moment. She knew he had trouble with his own weaknesses, especially in front of an audience and if he wanted her to leave, she would.

He’d gotten better at expressing himself over the years. But he’d never quite gotten the hang of truly letting someone else share his burden. There was always something he was keeping to himself and often it weighed him down significantly.

She desperately wished he would share his whole self with her so she could help ease his pain. But despite her hopes she had come to terms with the way he handled himself long ago. Long before Abigail existed in their lives.

She couldn’t believe now in the current state of things that she had once dared to hope he might share his whole self with Abigail.

The rotten bitch didn’t deserve to know what was weighing him down so heavily.

Perhaps he did share with her though.

She thought to herself as she looked to him with compassion. Maybe sharing his burden with her and being rejected had been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Something had snapped between the time he had left her house and when he ended up here.

She didn’t intend to ask him what had happened.

He would tell her when he was ready. He always did.

“Abigail didn’t come.” John said simply after a moment of silence. Ignoring her question but effectively explaining his confusion. Karmen looked at him sympathetically, trying hard to convey that she felt sad for him but she did not pity him.

“Are you surprised?” She asked softly, a genuine question not meant to be sarcastic or mean. John shook his head slowly, biting at the inside of his bottom lip to try and stop it from trembling.

He looked away from his friend, taking in a deep breath and trying his best to ignore the burning behind his eyes.

He jumped slightly as she stood, and he felt her hand slide on top of his. He looked down to their joined hands, turning his to take hers fully and squeezing tightly. Staring at it for a long minute before using it to pull her closer and wrapping his arms around her.

Karmen sat on the edge of the bed to keep her balance. Her free arm coming to wrap around his back and pull him close. He pressed his face into her shoulder, tears wetting the fabric of her shirt as he took a moment to let himself cry.

She shushed him lightly, squeezing his hand back hard and rubbing her thumb along what she could reach of his palm. Her other hand running small circles over his back as she held him firmly to her, doing her best to make him feel secure.

“Is she home?” John asked hoarsely, voice muffled against her collarbone. He heard Karmen swallow and knew he’d already gotten his answer.

She hesitated, unsure if the truth was best in this situation.

“Yes. She’s been home.” She answered eventually, voice soft as if whispering would make it hurt less. John didn’t respond, unsure he would be able to if he tried. His heart thundered in his chest and his body ached all over. His face felt hot and his teeth threatened to crack with how hard he was clenching his jaw. “I’m sorry.” Karmen whispered, her hand coming up to run through his hair.

John had always relished the physical comfort she gave him. She was the first person he ever remembered hugging him at the tender age of eight. He wasn’t sure if his Father had ever hugged him but if he had, he was too young to remember it.

Karmen had been a constant source of comfort throughout his life whether she knew it or not. Being around her made him feel inexplicably safe despite knowing she wasn’t capable of physically protecting him. He towered over her in stature and he had been known to knock out other men as big as Arthur, whereas he wasn’t sure Karmen had ever been involved in a physical altercation in her entire life.

Karmen stroked her fingers through his hair absently and wondered what he was thinking about. He hadn’t responded about Abigail. She doubted he was thinking positive thoughts.

“You scared me.” She said softly after a long moment of silence. John jolted slightly when she spoke, being thrown back roughly into reality.

“I’m sorry.” He said croakily, squeezing her tighter.

“I’ve been texting and calling all week.” She murmured, anger on the edge of her tone but not quite shining through.

John felt himself shiver against her as a new wave of guilt rushed through his chest. Sucking the air from his lungs as he desperately tried to take in another breath. Lungs hitching and failing as Karmen ran a calming hand down his spine and shushed him again lightly.

“Why didn’t…” He tried, finding his voice again through the lump in his throat.  “You come earlier?” He finished, choking on his own words as he felt her sigh in his arms.

She was silent for too long.

John convincing himself without her needing to speak that she simply didn’t want to. He was a chore that she’d put off as long as humanely possible. Arriving just in time to throw him a bone and keep him alive.

“I didn’t know where you were.” Karmen finally answered, making John frown at the flatness of her tone.

He had seen her texts and knew she was asking for him.

She lived across the damn road from him for God’s sakes. If she wanted to know where he was how hard was it to walk across the street and ask.

“Didn’t you ask Abigail?” He questioned, pulling away from the hug and looking to her with furrowed brows.

She stared back, sad eyes filled with something he could not discern, looking him over as she contemplated her answer.

Of course, she had asked.

“I didn’t think of it.” She lied, placing a hand on his cheek and wiping at the new tears forming with a gentle thumb.

John swallowed thickly, her answer out of character with everything he knew about her. She was relentless when she wanted answers. Ruthless when it came to things like social media stalking. She could spend twenty minutes on someone’s Facebook and tell you what their Mother had eaten for lunch the day they were born.

But she hadn’t thought to ask his wife where he was when he had stopped responding to her texts…

He didn’t buy it.

“Arthur called me yesterday. I came as soon as I could.” She added, looking into his eyes and spying a sadness so deep she was afraid it would swallow him.

It almost had.

She realised, gritting her teeth and blinking against her own tears.

“She didn’t tell you where I was?” John asked after a long moment, voice small. “What I’d-” He stopped himself, unable to finish the sentence.

Karmen stared at him, biting at her bottom lip as she watched his face crumple.

“She just said you weren’t home.” She explained with a sigh. “I don’t know why she told Arthur the truth.” She whispered earnestly, pulling him back to her and guiding his head to her shoulder with one hand.

He rested against her easily. Craving her touch in the most platonic sense.

“I do.” He answered plainly, the pain in his voice evident as he took in a shaky breath.

“She scared of him like everyone else?” Karmen asked with a chuckle. Surprised when John sniffed out a small laugh.

“No.” He answered. “The opposite.”

“He’s scared of her?” Karmen asked, her voice scandalous, making John smile. She knew what he meant. Abigail’s suspected crush on Arthur had been brought up a few times between their small group of friends. She’d never broached it with John, but she suspected he knew.

He didn’t have to say it if it was too distressing. She decided instead to move on from the topic of Arthur. He’d already guesses she had spoken with Abigail. No point now in omitting the specifics. “Abigail…” She began, feeling him tense at the named. “She was acting real’ weird when I saw her.” She said softly. “Not gonna’ lie I was kinda worried she’d murdered you.” She added with a chuckle. “Glad she didn’t though.”

John pulled away from her again, a small smile on his face as he moved away completely and rolled his eyes. He sat back against the head of his bed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Wouldn’t put it passed her to be honest.” He lamented. “Seems to want me gone bad enough.”

Karmen nodded, clicking her tongue for lack of anything to say. She knew Abigail had purposefully deceived her. But enforcing that with John was not what he needed from her in that moment. He didn’t need her to force him into feeling disdain for his wife while he was so vulnerable.

If he wanted to leave her, he needed to make that decision on his own. Not under her influence. He wouldn’t have him feeling resentful of her or her involvement in their divorce in future.

“I don’t think she’ll come.” John said softly, breaking the long silence as Karmen looked to him sympathetically. “If she doesn’t…” He began, sitting forward and wringing his hands together in his lap. “Could you see if she’ll let you bring Jack?” He asked after a moment, muscles straining under the effort to keep his face neutral.  

“Sure.” Karmen nodded with a soft shrug. She wasn’t hopeful but she could certainly try. She’d do anything to make him happy at this point. “Oh.” She exclaimed, making him jump as she reached for her bag on the nightstand. “Here.” She said excitedly, rummaging through her bag and producing something.

She held out her hand and he took the object with a smile.

“I forgot this was coming out.” He said softly, staring at the Pokémon game in his hands before looking to her with watery eyes. “Thank you.” He whispered, feeling emotion rise to the surface once more.

“I just bought them before I came here. So you’ve got Sword and I‘ve got Shield, so we can trade.” Karmen smiled, pulling her console from her bag and placing it on the nightstand. “You can borrow mine until you get home.” She said softly.

“Actually, Arthur brought me mine.” John said quickly, pulling open the nightstand and checking to make sure he hadn’t dreamed it.

Everything was fuzzy at the moment.

“Oh, even better.” Karmen smiled wickedly, taking her console back and placing it in her purse. “You’d better get on that. Make sure to catch extras of all the exclusives for me.” She said, only half joking. But mainly intending to push John into obsessing over something other than the state of his marriage.

John stared at the cover art, excitement flicking in his chest for the first time in a long while. He really had been looking forward to it.

Until…

He closed his eyes, pushing the thought away as he placed the game down next to him. At least now he would have something to keep him occupied during the long nights of no sleep.

“Thanks.” He said again, unable to accurately express how much the small gesture meant to him.

“You’re welcome honey.” Karmen smiled, placing a comforting hand on his knee and petting it gently as he watched on with glazed eyes.

“Do… Do you have to go soon?” John asked, voice hoarse as he kept his emotions at bay for the moment.

“Not if you don’t want me to.” She answered, a question lingering in the air as John shook his head in response.

“Wanna play?” He asked after a moment, watching as her lips quirked at the question.

“Hell yes, I do.” She answered eagerly, reaching for her bag once more as John chuckled at her enthusiasm.

She always seemed to know exactly what he needed to make him feel better.

He was so grateful to have her.

End.

 ~~~~

John is a Pokémon fan. I don’t take constructive criticism. :’)

Please let me know if you read this and liked it! I love hearing from my awesome readers! Let me know if you want more backstory and what you’re hoping to see! ❤

[kimtaegis]

I am sorry you are feeling down about not liking BTS's recent direction, collabs, etc. This is the only band I've ever been into where people think it is unacceptable to not fully support everything they produce. It is totally normal to not like an album or song, to wish things didn't change from a direction you were really happy with. I hate when fans get torn apart for not liking a song or album. You are allowed to have an opinion, to have your own taste and preferences, to be an individual. You're still a fan if you're listening to the music you DO like, even if you stop paying as much attention to future releases. I have seen many, many ARMY who don't like these new short, pop songs that lack a lot of the things that they loved about the boys' previous work. Will they continue in this direction? Who knows. I personally don't think so because I can't see them preferring this over the work they've self-produced, but if they're truly enjoying experimenting in this new realm of music that's okay. They can experiment. I'm pretty sure their next album isn't gonna be a bunch of 2:30 minute pop songs not bc they aren't allowed to change but bc this change is so far off everything they used to do that it just doesn't seem like a natural progression. I saw someone theorizing in another post a couple weeks ago that they still haven't done their MOTS7 performances and still want to promote those songs so they might not be interested in producing more idk...serious...typical BTS content? Because they're in a weird break-ish period and it makes sense to bring in these foreign producers and release light hearted, fun dance songs that can be sprinkled into concerts to get people moving and jumping or help them promote to new ARMY rather than working on writing and producing, etc. a whole new MOTS7 album they won't be able to properly promote or perform either. That's all speculation and idek if you liked MOTS7 either but idk it made me feel kind of good to imagine they're just doing something light hearted right now bc they are still holding on to MOTS7 and can't really do something of that scale right now without pushing MOTS7 off the pedestal before they even get to do the tour, you know?

I rambled a lot, but basically what I wanted to say is it's okay to dislike some songs and to wish they were different. It's okay to constructively criticize, every creator needs that to help guide them. If you have no idea what direction to go, what anyone actually likes or dislikes because everything you release is met with cheers of "this is amazing!" than you have no direction. Everyone needs feedback to improve. I'm not saying blind, baseless hate is good, but I am tired of seeing ARMY who have real opinions being attacked or afraid to speak because the hivemind fans think it is unacceptable to have any opinion other than "everything they do is perfect" even when it isn't. Putting the boys in a bubble does not protect them the way they think it does, it restricts them.

I really need to keep this ask stored safely somewhere, because you really just summed up everything perfectly and in such an intelligent and respectful way. I honestly don’t even really now what to add, you put it in a nutshell. Some might think it’s unnecessary and only drama-inducing to talk about “being a fan” like this, but as I had to painfully experience myself this morning, whether it be endearing or going way overboard, people can have a deep emotional connection to them, and can get very, very upset about it. These men are a huge part of my life right now, to the point where they can also make me feel distressed, but mostly immensely happy, and I think it’s valid and necessary to have some more serious discussions about it from time to time too. It’s not like we wake up every day and go: okay let’s overanalyse everything they do and make everyone lose the fun of it all! I wanna have fun and love them, so much. But I also wanna stay true to myself, be critical and question things.

Oh geez I completely drifted off here, I think I needed to tell myself that, sorry about that. But again, I’m blown away by your point of views and argumentation. Thank you for sharing <33