#because my cancer is genetic and incurable

[not-poignant]

would you be comfortable keeping us updated about your health results in the following months ?

Hi anon,

I don't generally update re: my health stuff in any consistent way here. I often have between 80-100+ medical appointments of some kind or other per year and I have too many actively treated/supported health conditions (over 15 -> I have more than this, these are just the ones being actively treated), that like... I'm not making this a health blog. It's a writing blog! Most of the health updates I make are over at the Fae Tales / writing Discord. But even there, I don't update about everything. (Some health stuff is just boring too, like, I'm anemic again? Must be a day ending in Y. Iron infusions are very repetitive, lol).

That being said, I do tend to update with health stuff when it impacts my writing, which is why I've been talking about it more lately, because my writing has absolutely been impacted from some new diagnoses from last November to now, which is really frustrating on a writing level, and also because it can impact my mood and output and readers can notice something's off. December was my lowest wordcount in over two years. And I've only written one chapter this month.

Right now I'm kind of having to force myself to work, because I need the money, so I can't afford to shut down the Patreon for a month or two (which is what I'd normally do in order to give myself a lengthy break), so I'm in the catch 22 of 'too sick to work to my normal levels, too poor to take a break from work to see if that helps because I need a lot of specialist medical stuff and some of it's expensive.' I do still like writing, but given more choice/freedom, I'd be taking time off to process some difficult diagnoses and some abrupt medication changes (I had to stop taking two meds that helped my quality of life and mental health immensely, and immediately onboard to two others that have notorious side effects, and that alone has been a struggle).

Though as a small update - I have 8 medical appointments in the next 10 days (one of those will result in 3 more referrals), and I'm 29 minutes away from leaving to go get my 45 minute head/neck MRI (complete with face cage and gadolinium) to see if my tumours have grown and to see if I've grown any more or if they've since metastasized. I have another MRI next week. The MRIs are thankfully due to Australia's healthcare free at least. But almost none of my other appointments are. I will probably end up having around 15+ medical appointments this month, so we're definitely starting the 80-100+ medical appointments per year off strong this year. x.x

For folks reading this, broadly, this is why there's been delays in responding overall to comments on AO3, why I'm not always getting to asks as soon as I normally do, and why I haven't been as 'chatty' as usual. I still love receiving asks/comments etc. please just be patient with me while I deal with everything. <3333

Er but yeah, tbh a lot of it is quite overwhelming for others. Like, if I actually kept people properly updated, I think some would feel not very happy, especially if they're just here for writing updates! So I try not to make too many 'health posts' unless I'm asked specifically? Anon, you are always welcome to ask for a health update <3 People can always scroll past it.

[kimberly-spirits13]

Just want to remind you guys that if there’s anything you’re going through, hurting yourself or ending it is not the best answer. Most problems are temporary and can be solved with work. Some are chronic and you have to adapt to life with them but that doesn’t mean that life isn’t worth living. There is someone out there willing to help and who cares. Please, please reach out to someone. I say this all in the memory of a classmate who killed themselves almost two years ago today. He was depressed because his best friend died in a tragic accident. People were willing and ready to reach out and help, but no one knew until it was too late. I’ve survived three attempts so I know that you find a place below rock bottom at that stage, but you rise up eventually and life will be okay again. I’m not a happy go lucky gal, I have OCD, depression, anxiety, and in a few years, I’ll probably have an incurable genetic lung cancer or have to get a total mastectomy from genetically induced breast cancer. I love life, I have accepted these things and I encourage you to live the life that you have, even through trials and tribulations.

I realize my tags can be random, but I’m reaching out to especially those who read my stuff

If you take comfort in it, here’s something that gets me through my bad days:

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” - 1 Peter 5:7

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28

“I have said all these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” - John 16:33

[thaisibir]

Medical student plays Digimon Survive: thoughts on Saki

I have an educated guess about Saki and...(spoilers below the cut!)

...her illness. The game never explicitly stated what it is, but with my medical background I can't help but think it over and take a stab at it. 

My thesis statement? I think that Saki has cystic fibrosis. 

Let's look at evidence from the game:

-she has an “awful cough"

Cystic fibrosis is a chronic disease involving abnormally large, constant buildup of mucus in the pulmonary and digestive systems. From what little the game shows us, her problems (visible problems, at least) seem primarily respiratory in nature. Floramon's comment on Saki's cough can be taken to mean a wet, productive cough, productive meaning "sputum production" in medical speak or in layman's terms, hacking up gunk from the lungs. The presence of a cough made me rule out leukemia. According to Saki's flashback, she is currently in a stable period so the doctor believes it's a good time for surgery. Leukemia is what came to my mind when I tried to think of diseases in distinct phases. I was thinking especially of acute lymphocytic leukemia, or childhood leukemia. Bone marrow transplant is an option for surgical treatment. It seemed to line up except there's the deal with Saki's bad cough. While shortness of breath is associated with leukemia, cough typically isn't. I have other reasons to rule out cancer, which I'll elaborate on later.

-she’s had it since she was little

Cystic fibrosis is a genetically inherited disorder (autosomal recessive, if you want the precise genetics terminology). Symptoms can manifest as soon as the moment of birth, sometimes it doesn't show up until adulthood. I think Saki has the early onset type.

-she gets fatigued easily

Yeah a ton of conditions entail this, but it doesn't detract from the case for cystic fibrosis. If your lungs are plugged up with gunk, you can't breathe right to meet your body's oxygen demands, and you'll tire out sooner than most people. Throughout the game, Saki has to pause and catch her breath, and has a hard time keeping up with everyone else. Far from precise evidence because again, you can say this for pretty much every kind of medical condition under the sun.

-she carries herself like someone on borrowed time

Saki knows that she doesn't have long, that she could be here today and gone tomorrow. She signed up for camp on a whim, trying to live her life to the fullest, however short it may likely be. Her disease was described by the doctor to be frightening. Saki herself says that it progresses quickly and the moment it worsens, it would eat her up someday. This leads me to think that whatever she has must be fatally progressive, with no hope for a cure. Something like cystic fibrosis. I ruled out asthma, which also involves respiratory issues but is not fatally progressive and incurable like cystic fibrosis. The lifespan of people with cystic fibrosis is a lot shorter than people without. Typical age range of life expectancy these days is 40s-50s, though a few have lived up to their 70s. In a nation like Japan where lifespan is above average, living to your 40s is basically only half your life. A scary thought for anyone, but especially for a 12 year-old girl.

-she needs surgical treatment

While cystic fibrosis isn't curable, symptoms can be managed with medications like antibiotics to ward off lung infections, bronchodilators to open up the lungs, and stool softeners for bowel issues, though problems can worsen to a point where surgery is necessary. Most common procedures involve treating inflamed sinuses and nasal polyps. Abdominal surgery is also an option for those having bowel issues. Lung transplant is like last resort for the most severe cases; of all the types of transplants, lung transplant is the most difficult to perform and with the lowest success rate. (Most people assume that heart transplant is the hardest to pull off, but actually it's the lungs because they're very prone to infection and rejection. I've helped manage anesthesia for both types of cases, and lung is a lot more involved. But I digress.) If Saki's at the point that the doctors are suggesting surgery for treatment, she's probably at the cusp of an advanced stage of the disease. Another reason I ruled out asthma is that asthma itself doesn't warrant surgery. I also ruled out cancer, because someone needing a tumor resection most likely wouldn't be allowed to postpone surgery and run off to camp. Someone getting chemotherapy for cancer will be immunocompromised, susceptible to serious illness from the slightest hint of potential for infection from radiation nuking their immune system. Saki is delicate, but not that delicate. The surgery is urgent, but apparently not that urgent if she can convince the doctor to postpone it a few times.

Getting into "that's a stretch" headcanon territory here:

Digimon Survive seems to be set in a world where people have realistic hair color. No one in the main cast has anime-colored hair, only black and shades of brown typical among Japanese people. The "wildest" we see is Kaito with his hair partly bleached. Saki stands out for being the only one among the kids with what looks like natural blonde hair (unlike Kaito). This reminds me of Yamato and Takeru having blonde hair, of how they have French descent from their grandfather, and that the blonde hair may be a nod to their background. So here's the thing: according to statistics, cystic fibrosis happens most commonly in people with northern European ancestry. Perhaps not a stretch to suggest that Saki might have some northern European blood, which lines up neatly with the idea that she has cystic fibrosis.

P.S on patient consent: I think it's interesting how it's implied that a 12 year-old girl like Saki is able to express her own consent for surgery. I train in and will someday practice pediatric anesthesia in the U.S, where minors under the age of 18 must have the consent of a parent or guardian for any procedure. (There are exceptions, like emancipated minors, which Saki is not because it's implied that she has parents who still have legal responsibility of her.) Maybe consent works differently in Japan. I dunno.

So there you have it. Do you agree, or do you think Saki's got some other medical condition? I'd like to hear your thoughts. Honestly, the game has kept it vague enough that there could be more than one right answer, or something made up entirely, for all we know. I just thought it'd be fun to offer my own interpretation of what it might be.

[miakielsenwrites]

Stage Four, a Monologue by Mia Kielsen

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma.Which is weird because, I only just graduated high school maybe a month before my diagnosis. Ever since I got out of high school, I’ve been on the road. I mean, I took the liberty of packing not just my whole room, but my whole life into boxes within the span of just a few short hours, took a drive down to the-middle-of-nowhere Arizona where I stared down at the sunset from a high cliff. I set up a folding chair just outside the camper. (Tries to sit down.) Ow! What the—

I discovered a weird lump at my side that I hadn’t noticed before. I climb back into the trailer and pull down the sheet mirror. Ooh, that looks bad. I remember being maybe twelve years old. I remember struggling into my dress for Kerry Junior High’s annual Snowball Dance—I was pulling it up from the bottom and it kept getting stuck on something. I let it slide off and I turned to face my mirror. My right hip was just barely wider than the other. That wouldn’t have affected how the dress fit, though. I think I just bought it a size—or two—too small.

I brushed it off as some kind of genetic deform, but in my trailer mirror, when I peeled down my leggings, I was genuinely afraid to look at it. It was this… blue, bulging thing. It was like some kind of alien parasite attached itself to me. The only thing it was missing was the glow that alien parasites in the movies would have.

I took the chair in and I drove. I drove to the nearest city. Questions shot left and right like ping-pong in my brain. What is that thing? How long has it been this bad? Why is it blue? One final question entered my head at the end of my drive; Is it… cancer? I slam the brakes hard. I’m here.

I check in at the E.R.

“Mmhmm…. And what is your purpose for this visit?”

“I..” How was I supposed to struggle—to stutter the words I think I have cancer, when I can’t even be sure that’s what it is? The desk is low enough. “This,” I say, holding down my waistband. The look in her eyes that previously said I don’t get paid enough for this shifted instantly to that of pure terror. She stood up and beckoned urgently to a nurse who was just coming out of the back. She whispered one word to him and immediately I was escorted to a room. I had fifty questions being tossed at me left and right—these doctors wanted to know everything about everything. Someone threw a hospital gown into my hands. I changed, then some doctors took a look at my… lump. Next thing I knew I was lying down on the flat, cold metal bed, the one that gives you chills the second your butt touches it. The bed went slowly into the big white tube. My first MRI scan. Good thing my mom wasn’t there to see this, or else she’d be taking pictures I did not need pictures of and posting them to Facebook.

I was sitting on one of those green patient beds with the thin paper for what felt like hours. I sat alone, too. I drifted in and out of sleep. Finally, I was awoken by a doctor who cut to the chase and admitted that I had stage 4. She showed me my MRI results and circled areas where the cancer had spread. Some in my thighs, my arms, and the biggest collection of cancer were, of course, on my hip. She prescribed some kind of topical cream, I got my clothes back, and I went back to my trailer. What I have is incurable. My death is inevitable, but now it is sooner than I ever considered it to be. I was told I’d be lucky if I had a year left.

I had to cheer myself up. It’s difficult to take your mind off of something so painful. But I had to try. I found myself in the parking lot of a bar. I open my trailer door to let in what was left of the outside light and unpacked the boxes of supplies and other clutter from my home.

Okay. All food goes in the mini fridge, ice cream at the top, closest to the ice maker. Left cabinet; blankets are on the bottom, clothes in the middle, sheets on the top. Under the sink, towels and soap.

I’m almost done unpacking when I hear (knocks on trailer.)

“Hey, need some help in there?” I hear from outside.

“No, I’m fine,” I reply, shakily. I push the door a bit more open to reveal a guy with wavy shoulder-length hair and a lilac shirt.

“Are you sure? Are you okay? I think I heard… crying?”

“I’m fine.”

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that. Why don’t I buy you some food and we can talk about it?”

Is it weird that I didn’t find it odd that a complete stranger was offering me dinner? Over our meal I learned that he was also a recent high school graduate, and I guess you could say it was love at first sight. His name is Adam. A generic boy name, but I had never met anyone named Adam before. The name definitely suits him; Adam means ‘earth,’ and with the collage of hazel, blue, and green in his loving, gentle eyes, they definitely remind me of the earth.

I stayed in that small city in Arizona for a few months before he finally decided he wanted to live in the camper with me. He’d been looking for a place to stay since his parents made him move out post-graduation.

The first night he spent with me in the camper, I had a terrible realization; I never told him about the cancer. The night we met I told him I had gotten a diagnosis but I never told him what it was.

“Adam,” I spoke. “There’s something I forgot to tell you. About—about the diagnosis I had a while back. (Beat.) I have stage four melanoma. And I was told I might not even have a year left. That was nearly three months ago. I’m so sorry, I was just so focused on putting it out of my mind, that I—“

I was on the verge of tears and yet he held both of my hands and told me that he wants to be by my side for the remainder of my life, however long that may be. He told me that I was the first person who ever really cared about him. He understood how much he means to me, and reassured me that he wouldn’t leave just because of a medical mishap.

That was when I realized; I found him. It’s every girl’s dream to find their Prince Charming, whoever that may be. But not every man and surely not every woman will stick around when something—something such as cancer—something chronic or life-threatening gets in the way of plans for the future. But Adam promised to stay with me for every waking minute of it. Only the true one will stay with you through it all. And I found him.

A few days ago we got engaged! I parked the trailer on some cliff overlooking the beach in California. We were watching the sun rise, and he dropped to one knee, right there. And then that same day we talked for hours about what the future might be like if some miracle potion fabricated itself into existence to cure me. We thought about wedding after wedding, having kids, in which I imagine we’d have a boy and a girl, probably twins. We fantasized all of the wonderful beautiful places we could take them all the sights we could see together as a family, from sandy beach sunsets to quiet, cold, echoey caves with the little water drips in the background that’ll really relax you. Adam would be the one to struggle to zip up our daughter’s dress for senior prom night and I would fix our son’s tie—and I’ll be watching from the front row when our daughter is walked down the aisle. And, with whatever job I’d end up with, there’s always a retirement party waiting for me at the end. Me and my own husband would finally settle down, likely in the very city where we met, and toss the keys of our beloved camper to our children, who will start this cycle all over again.

But now, I suppose I will never get to experience any of that.

[lonahas]

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[fantasyideas1]

quotes almat

Aphorisms The trash of egoism in society is growing, robotic machine thinking of egoism, egoism is a cancer of society, puppets believe in illusion, pull the strings of profit, creative people do not sleep, their souls are awake, you are invisible in your country, walk the rope of thoughts where it will lead you own joke, paralyzed puppets gain, Empathy is all-seeing. Anger is not a toilet. Benefit as an unstable matter that does not have a permanent form in chaos. A thought can stretch into an eternity as it turns into a value. Questions give consciousness. Enlightenment is born from suffering is the strength of the spirit. Poems: Beautiful Kazakh Dream of infinity, love nostalgia of eternity, I feel only your beauty, inspired by heavenly beauty, I look at you with appetite, your beauty kindles the flame of love devotion, a machine for excitement, round-the-clock observation and contemplation, idolization, around the beauty of pandemonium, a divine phenomenon, in the mind insights, hearts in heaven soaring, love oversaturation, overstrain between the legs, to be with you the desire for infinite happiness, be my sweetness, part, and grace. Instigator of passion, radiance of sensuality in the skin, sensual magnetism of passion, you are like sex from the notes of a saxophone, orgasmic delight, you are like an orgasm that can blow up the whole universe with the power of love, a rich palette of loving feelings, painting of passion, and epic romance, the world is perfect, because that it has you, an endless storm of passion, my eyes insatiably enjoy your beauty, a sweet buzz that causes a severe case of incurable love, every molecule of your body is a tidbit of a masterpiece. You are a mermaid in the ocean of male lust, there is nothing sweeter for my eyes, the prosaic aesthetics of beauty, I am your sex slave, I am your sex toy, love for you is an endless journey that pierces eternity, in unity with you, I don’t even have enough life to describe how much I love you, libido tsunami, testosterone avalanche, sex shock and shock of love for you, fiery hurricane of lust, sweetness of heaven, hot sweetness, sweet aftertaste of nostalgia, spicy cha-cha-cha, erotic goddess of my dreams, your dance can cause rain of sperm, I give you all the energy of love, an endless source of love is like an oasis in which you bathe, memory keeps only you, sweeter fruit like you cannot be found in paradise, groaning from catharsis and euphoria, my soul from the deepest delight flows tears of insight, until the depths of the soul, the energy of love goes into the depths of the subconscious, and flies out of the body in the form of awareness, attraction to you is an extra heavy earthly attraction. magnetic field to your body, the geometric perfection of a masterpiece, the perfect sculpture of genetics, the light of true beauty, a relic of the heart, priceless minutes of eternity with you, orgasmic moans of admiration, I have a daily overdose of love, you are the highest award of heaven, a piercing ray of love, through the heart, billions arguments to love you forever, out of time I keep devotion to you, subconsciously and unconsciously I will love you all my life, the groans of my soul will call you, infinitely beautiful, romantic eternity in thoughts of you, a priceless decoration of the world, reality and life, a special flowering of the soul from love for you, and all eternities can not repeat it, awaken the brutal hunger of passion, increase the gravity of passion, fabulous, erotic, extraterrestrial beauty, you are juicy sex, utopian exoticism of erotica in your body, you are my lust in youth, priceless value in old age, my mind heart and brain and penis under your control, when I see you automatically fall in love with you more and more That is, every time I see you, too divine beauty, quintillion percent of the beauty of the eyes, everything except you is insignificant, you are the meaning of eternity. Author: Musin Almat Zhumabekovich

[flatstarcarcosa]

Hi there! I don't want to be rude or anything but as someone who had a very real family member pass on due to cancer I just wanted to say that using something that is such a horrible thing to experience in real life as background lore for a self insert is in bad taste. Please consider that in the future before being so casual about it again as it can be very hurtful to those who have truly dealt with it. <3

..........

anon, i am placing my hand on your shoulder but please know i am also giving you a firm warning squeeze while doing so because hooooooooooooooooooooooly goddamn shit.

my actual mom actually did have ovarian cancer, and thanks to misogyny and ableism in medicine, did in fact almost fucking die before anyone caught it.

when the doctors found it they weren't even fucking looking for it, they were in the general area for a completely different reason and just happened to stumble upon an assload of fucking cancer cells.

so my early childhood memories involve a bunch of No Good Really Bad Things happening that i did not fully understand at the time since i was like, six, when it all started.

there is also an actual assload of cancers in my family history, and it's highly likely i am genetically predisposed to issues with my entire renal system and that my current bladder/kidney issues could one day get fucking worse, but i'll probably never know for sure because that kind of genetic testing is fucking expensive as hell and not usually covered under insurance.

and like. while i do not think my problems are because holy shit i have cancer, based on how long i've had them, it's still not fucking great when you're exhibiting a lot of the same symptoms people in your family did before they found out they had cancer.

it's also not fucking great to have a lot of the same symptoms people in your family had before they found out they had some sort of really horrible, no good, incurable problems with their kidneys and shit, too.

like.

jesus christ. jesus fucking goddamn christ do we really have to go back to like Internet and Social Media 101: You Do Not Know Everything About The Person Posting Just Based On What They Post or something????

like. this is so fucking presumptuous and goddamn fucking rude of you to come into the ask box of someone that's disabled/chronically ill and tell them how something they wrote about for what's like, obviously A Coping Mechanism related to their fucking health and illnesses, is Offensive Actuawwy, but only offensive based on the sheer amount of projection you're fucking dumping onto them.

holy goddamn shit.

[morganaspendragonss]

quédate un segundo más (1/8)

@911lonestarangstweek day 8 - t is for...tumour, terminal, treatment

title from voy a quedarme by blas cantó, translates roughly to 'stay a second more'

thanks to @halsteadmarchs and @tarlos-spain for the beta!

as shown above, this will be eight chapters if all goes to plan, and i hope to finish it before season 3 begins. much of what is written both in this chapter and in future ones is ripped directly from life and i am only writing from my own perspective and experiences of losing a loved one to cancer.

ao3 | 1.6k | angst, hurt tk, cancer, terminal illness, more warnings to come in future chapters

A rare genetic mutation.

That’s what the doctors tell him when the results come back.

A rare genetic mutation that has rendered his cancer practically undetectable until its latest stages, until all that’s left to do is wait to die.

TK’s hands shake as various leaflets on Managing Your Diagnosis and What To Expect and Looking After Someone With Cancer are placed in them. He feels two steps to the side of himself, his entire world halting in its tracks the moment those words had left the doctor’s lips.

“I’m afraid it’s not good news,” he’d said, eyes wide and empathetic. “Your scans and blood results have come back showing evidence of a tumour on your pancreas. There are treatment options which we can and will—with your consent—pursue, however I have to inform you that your cancer is entering stage IV. It has begun to spread to your bladder and liver. I’m sorry to say that, at this point, treatment is more focused on managing your pain and making you as comfortable as possible; we do not anticipate recovery.”

It’s just… TK’s fine. He feels fine. Like, sure, he’s been a little more tired recently and he’s been getting these weird pains, but they always fade after a while, and he’s fine.

But he couldn’t deny the blood spotting his pee, the last straw which had finally sent him to the doctor’s office.

Too late, apparently.

A touch on his knee brings him back to reality with a start. TK looks up to meet the doctor’s kind gaze, and he wants to cry.

“I understand this is a lot to take in,” he’s saying. “If you have any questions, please ask.”

“I…” TK shakes his head, swallowing a couple of times before dropping his eyes to his knees, the words on the pamphlets blurred through his tears. “How long?”

The doctor hesitates a moment, then sighs regretfully. “I can’t say for certain. People frequently outlive their projected timeframes; equally, it could be less. However, given the way your tumour looks and the rate it appears to be spreading at, I would estimate around six months.”

Six months.

Six—six months.

“Oh,” TK says, and it feels wildly insufficient but it’s all he has. What even is there to say? He’s dying, and that’s...that’s that.

“Do you have a support system in place?” the doctor asks. “This is going to be a difficult process, and you are going to need other people to help you through it.”

TK nods slowly, not looking up. “M-My husband. Carlos. He was supposed to come with me today but he was called into work last minute. He’s a detective, so he couldn’t exactly refuse—not that that stopped him from trying.” He laughs wetly, remembering how he’d insisted that everything would be fine when Carlos had stalled leaving this morning. “And there’s my dad, and my team—my family. I’m a paramedic and I work in a fire station, so we’re all pretty close. I… Shit, I’m sorry. You don’t need to know all this.”

“It’s okay.” The doctor is still smiling, still so understanding, and TK wonders—just how many times has he had to do this? “I’m glad to hear you have solid support behind you; that’s going to be incredibly important for the coming months. I’ve also given you a few leaflets about support groups you can access, that your family can access, and, of course, your treatment team will be there every step of the way.

“Now,” he continues, returning to a semi-professional aspect, “I want to see you later this week to iron out how we’re going to proceed. For now, why don’t you go home and rest, allow yourself to process this? Does Friday at 10.30 work for your next appointment?”

TK nods absently, clutching the pamphlets tight enough to crease them. “That’s fine,” he whispers.

“Okay,” the doctor says, just as quiet. “Are you going to be okay to get home?”

“Yeah.”

But he doesn’t move. He can’t. In this room, he’s separated from the rest of the world—TK doesn’t want to go back into it, where he’ll have to tell everyone he loves that he’s… That he…

“TK.”

TK’s head snaps up at the doctor’s voice and he flushes a little at seeing his pointed look. “Sorry,” he mutters, scrambling to stand up.

The doctor stands too, much more gracefully than TK, and gets the door for him. “It’s okay. I’ll see you on Friday, TK, alright?”

He mumbles an affirmative then steps out of the office, taken aback for a moment by the bustle and noise in the corridor. It’s strange to witness it now, to see all these people who don’t know him from Adam going about their lives, while his has, in the span of thirty minutes, completely crumbled.

TK takes a deep breath (and how many of those does he have left?) and joins the flow.

*

He’s home.

That’s… He doesn’t remember it. He must have unlocked the front door because the keys are in his hand and he’s standing in the entryway, but TK has no idea how he managed to get from the doctor’s office to here.

He made good time though, judging by the clock on the wall.

Small victories.

With heavy steps, TK walks to the sofa, easing himself down and tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling. It still doesn’t feel real that there's this—this thing inside him, growing and mutating and killing him. He’s not sure when it finally will.

Maybe in a few months, when his skin is sagging off his bones and his hair is gone and even the very act of breathing is a challenge.

Or maybe in a few hours, when Carlos comes home and TK has to break the news. TK can picture his face now, the way his ever-present smile will crack and break, the shock and hurt and grief that will take its place.

He thinks he understands his dad now.

TK closes his eyes and tries to clear his mind, just for a moment, of everything that’s happened today.

Which, as it turns out, is a mistake, because that’s when he remembers the letter that came for them yesterday and the phone call they’re going to make after dinner.

The phone call they were going to make after dinner.

TK wants to scream at the unfairness of it all. They’ve been waiting for that moment for so long, the moment in which they found out they were finally cleared to adopt a kid. And now…

Gone.

Carlos is going to be crushed.

As if the universe is reacting to that last thought, the door suddenly swings open, marking Carlos’s return from his impromptu shift. For a moment, TK panics. He’s not ready, dammit, he needs more time to plan and to figure it all out, how he feels and what he’s going to say, but—

But, in the end, it doesn’t matter. He could have had the most detailed and well-thought out plan in the world and it wouldn’t have mattered.

Because all it takes is one look at Carlos’s smile for TK to fall apart.

Carlos is by his side in an instant, gathering him in his arms and sliding to the floor with him when TK can no longer support himself on the couch. TK fists his hands in his husband’s shirt and cries into his neck, all the emotion that’s been slowly building all day exploding from him all at once.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Carlos shushes, which only makes TK cry harder, because how is he supposed to tell him that it’s not?

He shakes his head and clings onto him tighter, feeling Carlos do the same to him in return. TK’s always felt safe in his arms and it’s no different now; he thinks that, if he can just stay here forever, maybe things will turn out okay after all.

But the moment ends, as they tend to do. When TK’s sobs have run dry, Carlos carefully pulls back from him, his hands rising to cup his face and wipe the tears from his cheeks.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” he asks softly, so much worry in those damn eyes that it hurts. “Is it… Did the doctor say something? Are you okay?”

TK opens his mouth, but the words refuse to come out. All he manages is a wordless shake of the head, and even that turns Carlos’s expression into the picture of devastation. He can’t bear to look at it, so he wraps his arms around Carlos’s waist and leans into him again, resting his head on his chest.

Carlos holds him and presses a kiss to the top of his head. “We’ll get through it,” he promises. “Whatever it takes.”

And it turns out that he does have a few more tears left in him; TK squeezes his eyes shut and breathes out shakily as a couple of lone drops fall down his cheeks. “We can’t,” he whispers hoarsely. Carlos stiffens and shifts as if to look TK in the eyes, but TK doesn’t let him. If he has to look at Carlos, he doesn’t think he’ll have the courage to say it. He hesitates a moment longer, a huge lump forming in his throat, but eventually he manages it.

“It’s cancer,” he chokes out. “Stage IV. Incurable. They think… I’ve got six months.”

It’s like time stops.

They’re both motionless on the floor of their front room, neither saying anything, barely breathing as the weight of it settles between them.

TK doesn’t know how long it lasts for, but suddenly Carlos sobs and grips onto him with a bruising strength. Carlos’s body heaves and shakes with the force of his cries, and it’s TK’s turn to hold him as tears drip down Carlos’s cheeks into his hair.

And, in that moment, it becomes real.

[plantseedsofkindness]

Tracy Meunier - #plant seeds of kindness

Blog Post 1 August 30, 2020

So what do you do when they tell you that you have brain cancer?

I started my career as Executive Assistant to the County Manager (thank you Mr. Allen Charles for having faith in my abilities!) on August 2, 1984.  It was 30+ degrees outside. After work I bought a fan for our 'little house on the prairie'.... Neil & I celebrated!

Flash forward 36 years - and a career where I was fortunate to serve the community that has given our families such amazing support!

As an accountant, I've always tended to listen to advice - go to professional development sessions focused on building equity......save up for retirement...start a career that allows you to grow!

I made the decision to retire in early 2018. My dad was going through his cancer journey (prostrate cancer that spread in August 2018, resulting in him needing to be hospitalized). My siblings & I had an amazing opportunity to reconnect on a much deeper level as adult children with a man that we admired and adored more than words can describe. And so the new journey began - 11 months at the Barrhead Healthcare Centre and 5 months at Shepherd's Care. The goal remained constant - one day at a time, and to be thankful for each day we had together. We were so fortunate to appreciate the next 496 days together!!!

At Dad's celebration of life in January 2020, Rev. David Pype spoke of the 'pillars of life':

- to have purpose

- to love

- to be loved (ie. allow yourself to let others help you, which can be difficult)

- to have hope

Flash forward to June 1, 2020 - my new retirement date!

 In mid May, 2020, when we were moving cattle to pasture, I started to get dizzy. Having been diagnosed in the fall of 2019 with osteoporosis, I did what any 58 year old would do - I 'google-dr'd it and self-diagnosed as having vertigo!

Because my family doctor had moved away from the community in the fall of 2019, I needed to find a new doctor. Imagine what he must have thought when I told him I might have vertigo!

He was patient with me & suggested we try some tests first. That was my 1st day of retirement - June 1, 2020.

As the week progressed, the dizziness got worse. That Saturday, I changed my self-diagnosis to a wax build-up. I drove myself to out-patients at the hospital. Only problem was that my ears were clear. The doctor suggested a brain scan.

This brought us to June 8 and a call from the Westlock Healthcare Centre. The first scan led them to call in of the doctor for what appeared to be a possible stroke. A second scan was done and results sent to my family doctor.

The next day, June 9, the doctor's office called and asked Neil & I to come meet with the doctor the next day.

 To say the news was crappy, disappointing and terrible is an understatement!!!!

 The C-T scan showed a growth of approximately 4 cm x 6 cm. The doctor had been consulting with a neurosurgeon from the University of Alberta Hospital. I was booked for an MRI on June 15.

Our world as we knew it felt like it was falling apart! We needed to search for our purpose! Survival mode kicked in!

And so, on June 15, 2020 I had an MRI, which confirmed the tumor. Surgery was scheduled for June 17.

 What type of cancer is it? It's called gliobastoma multiform (GBM for short). It's a terminal brain cancer. It's classified as a primary brain tumour - starting within the brain itself. It’s not thought to be caused by inherited genetics or environment - just bad luck! It is incurable and one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer.

Given the stark reality of our 'retirement time' together - there's 1 thing that cannot be taken away - HOPE!!!!!!!! Hope for research - Hope for successful trials! 

It's ok to be feel cheated. To be mad, sad, angry. It's NOT ok to have pity parties.

 There's a reason we are faced with the challenges that lie before us.

We need to figure it out - to find our purpose and persevere!

On June 17 I underwent surgery to remove the 'bulk' of the tumor, deep in the frontal lobe of my brain. The surgery itself caused a “retraction injury” to the part of my brain controlling movement on my left side- fortunately after a few weeks of working hard at rehab with the wonderful physio and occupational therapy team at the Barrhead Hospital I was able to use my left arm and leg again!

 Over the summer I have been having radiation treatment paired with chemotherapy – the gold standard of treatment for GBM.

As of August 30, I have 7 more treatments left, before I get to ring the 'bell of glory', signifying that treatment is done (watch for pics on Facebook!)

September 2020 will see a break from treatments; late October/early November will be another MRI to see how the tumour responded to the treatment and map out the next steps.

Unfortunately, the tumor will re-appear – we just don’t know when. Currently, the median time is approximately 14.5 months. However, as mentioned above, we remain hopeful for some positive results of newer trials!

Others who have had GBM include Gord Downie of the Tragically Hip (who greatly advanced the conversation about GBM and helped to 'normalize' it), Presidential candidate Joe Biden's son, Senators John McCain, and Ted Kennedy.

Why am I doing a blog? I'm hoping to normalize the conversation about cancer.

It's ok to talk about it. It may help to find our purpose. Although it’s a terrible disease, it doesn’t need to rob us of who we are or what our purpose is.

 As I reflect upon my life, my family, my cancer diagnosis, there are 5 special songs/video’s I ask you to view:

Martina Mcbride In my Daughter's Eyes –

For my beautiful daughter, Sara, who wrote her Royal College exam in psychiatry on August 26. Sara has dedicated her life to serve others - my heart literally busts with a mother's pride! When I received my diagnosis, Sara and my family put their lives on hold to help me. I am forever grateful. I am excited for them to grow in their lives!

 2.     Josh Groban - You raise me up.

For my kindest, gentlest son, Tyler. Tyler is an amazing son and human being. I am so proud of the man you've become!! You have so much love to share!

3.     The Prayer (One World at Home version) - Celine Dion, Andrea Bocelli, Lady Gaga, Lang Lang, John Legend

In the same manner that psalms are our poems to God, this song is like a psalm to my siblings (and our theme song to 'Lindquist Lane' at our family cemetery in Mellowdale).

4. Courage - Tragically Hip.

Since my diagnosis, I've developed a link with Gord Downie. I am appreciative of his courage and gratefulness. He was a great poet that taught us lots! 

5. I Will Remember You -     Sarah McLachan

This goes without saying!

What’s the name of the blog?

#plant seeds of kindness

 Why the name of the blog?

As far as I go back, my family is a family of farmers. 

I am extremely proud of that! 

As farmers we plant, we grow, we experience success, we experience failure, we put ourselves ‘out there’, we learn resiliency.

Most importantly – WE NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!!

What's next? I’m hoping to be able to continue on with posts after treatments are done – stay tuned!!!!! 

#plant seeds of kindness 

 I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

[wildscienceblog]

My unpopular opinion about popular science topics: A new study says that SARS-CoV-2 RNA may integrate into the human genome - DON’T PANIC, this is likely not the case and even if it was, would probably lack clinical relevance :) -

For a few days now, there has been an ongoing heated discussion on Academic Twitter and other scientific outreach outlets regarding a bioRxiv preprint titled “SARS-CoV-2 RNA reverse-transcribed and integrated into the human genome” (Zhang et al. bioRxiv, 2020). The study proposes that the sustained viral RNA shedding and recurrence of PCR positive testing after recovery might be due to retrointegration (in simple terms this is the insertion of DNA sequences into a host genome mediated by an RNA intermediate, the enzymes reverse-transcriptase and endonuclease and chaperone proteins) of SARS-CoV-2 into the DNA of patients (i.e. their nuclear DNA). The senior author is the renowned scientist Rudolf Jaenisch who together with Beatrice Mintz, produced the first-ever transgenic mammals by injecting retroviral DNA into early mice embryos. He is a professor of biology at MIT and his lab based in the Whitehead Institute for Biomedical Research works on epigenetics and epigenome editing and transgenic models to understand neurological disorders and cancer and has recently included research on SARS-CoV-2. This research focus is shared by his co-authors, who also are postdoctoral researchers at his lab. The first author, Liguo Zhang studies epigenetics and nuclear organization in the nervous system and how their misregulation leads to diseases, followed by Alexsia Richards who is currently examining the tropism and transcriptional response to SARS-CoV-2, Andrew Khalil focuses on understanding the role of the adaptive immune system in regulating metabolism, Emile Wogram combines stem cell technologies, genome engineering, biochemistry, and proteomics to study microglial phagocytosis, and Haiting Ma is concerned with studying signaling pathways and epigenetics of stems cells differentiation and maturation into functional lineages. Richard A. Young also a professor of biology at MIT and a member of the Whitehouse Institute pioneer in the systems biology of gene control in health and disease also participated in this research.

Nevertheless, these findings are raising many eyebrows among the scientific community, especially under the current climate where an mRNA-based vaccine against SARS-CoV-2 is already approved in some countries and another one to be soon authorized (see here and here if you want to learn more of the current status on vaccines’ roll out). Scientists from fields ranging from immunology to cancer biology to the closest it gets to the topics being addressed in the polemic study, mobile elements, transposons, and endogenous viruses as well as clinical virology, have sharply criticized the soundness of their conclusions and are calling for the retraction of the preprint.

A major concern is the adequacy of the experimental assays used to support the hypothesis of retrotransposition events. Zhang et al. (bioRxiv, 2020) report to have found chimeric transcripts of fused viral and cellular sequences in published data of cultured cells and primary cells of patients. They overexpressed human LINE-1 or HIV-1 reverse transcriptase in cells which were then infected with SARS-CoV-2 and applied a single-molecule RNA-FISH (i.e. an in situ hybridization method that uses probes of multiple oligonucleotides to detect individual  RNA molecules inside of single cells https://sites.google.com/site/singlemoleculernafish/home?authuser=0) to confirm that viral sequences were integrated and detected their transcription in the nucleus of the cells overexpressing LINE-1. They also analyzed published data on LINE-1 expression in cells infected with SARS-CoV-2 and chimeric read abundance and found a correlation between these two. Furthermore, they suggest a molecular mechanism by which LINE-1 expression can be stimulated under SARS-CoV-2 infection via cytokines. However, Cedric Feschotte a professor at the Department of Molecular Biology and Genetics in Cornell University with 20 years of experience studying mobile elements points out that these experimental approaches are insufficient to sustain an in vivo retrotransposition because they omit gold standard techniques such as isolating and reporting of “the sequence of the integrants along with flanking genomic regions (junction sequences spanning both viral and flanking DNA)” and fail to present hallmarks of the proposed LINE-1 dependent process (e.g. short direct repeats flanking integrant, integration at preferred L1 endonuclease cleavage site [TTTT/AA], polyA tail at the 3’ end or chimera with the 3’ end of endogenous L1/Alu). A generalized opinion among critics of Zhang et al. (bioRxiv, 2020) is that the chimeric reads are likely to be artifacts of library preparation or template-switching events and that their approach does not rule out these possibilities.

Aris Katzourakis, a professor of Evolution and Genomics at the University of Oxford whose research is centered in the study of ancient viruses and uses endogenous viral elements, including retroviruses tweeted: “ … genomic integration of coronaviral DNA is highly implausible, given there is not a single known genomic fossil of integrated coronaviruses in any know host genome that has ever been sequenced to date.” Which is a strong and educated argument (yet not a smoking gun) against the evidence presented by Zhang et al. (bioRxiv, 2020). Moreover, various academics argue that even if substantiated under experimental conditions, is a whole different thing to prove retrotransposition happening during natural infection with SARS-CoV-2. Clinical scientists draw attention that is definitely not unique to SARS-CoV-2 the persistency of viral debris in tissues of convalescent or recovered patients (even though its mechanism and clinical relevance remain subject to discussion e.g. see here). Altogether, they agree that its clinical relevance is far from proven and unlikely to exist.  

As dull as it is for me, I am merely a spectator here since, despite my keen curiosity for genetic mobile elements, I have very limited first-hand experience on these subjects. I do think that a take-home message is that probably many features described as novel or unique to SARS-CoV-2 (which sometimes alarm scientists and the general public alike) might be in fact more ubiquitous than the flood of SARS-CoV-2 scientific papers would have us believe. In my opinion, the reason being that the acuteness and the timing in terms of technology and communications of this pandemic have powered studies at scales that have not been possible to conduct in other disease outbreaks. In other words, we are looking too much, too close, and perhaps missing a bigger picture (I have seen a strikingly low number of papers building upon previous knowledge on other coronaviruses, especially at the clinical level). Whether or not SARS-CoV-2 integrates into our genomes and if so, whether this has clinical implications, is definitely something that cannot yet and should not be answered based on the findings by Zhang et al. (bioRxiv, 2020). It is also safe to say, that whereas the semantics can be confusing for the general public, even if retrotransposition is later proven to occur in vivo during natural infections, there is still a long shot from there to assert that this implies a direct risk for mRNA vaccines to integrate into our genomes because they are designed such that they do not interact with our DNA (they do not go inside the nucleus, you can read more about the different vaccines and their mechanisms here). Having said that, clinical usage of mRNA vaccines is new, and we will be confirming and learning more about how they (hopefully well!) work soon.

Lastly, I want to share that my motivation to write this piece was not so much the hot topic that SARS-CoV-2 is but rather the atmosphere that this paper as others in various fields which present (seemingly) premature conclusions and bold takes have triggered. This paper has the feature of being presented as a preprint. Preprints have the goal of allowing the scientific audience “to see, discuss, and comment on the findings immediately” before peer-review is completed. Therefore, while I find most critiques to this paper very compelling and I strongly agree that when a bias or unsubstantiated evidence is identified, this should be acknowledged and corrected, I consider a poor scientific practice to demand a retraction of a publication at a stage that has precisely the aim of calling for discussion. I am talking now of a number of papers I have seen being targeted by similar reactions. The intentions of authors cannot be, of course, inferred, so why not waiting for them to take part in the discussion before deploying what seems like attempts to bowdlerize rather than enriching, correcting, or helping improve. Has not this been the case of most wondrous and prodigious scientific findings and technological advances? In the past, findings that were about to change the world but too odd for their surrounding context (please let me be clear that I am not referring to any particular paper that I believe to have such potential, but rather to a general attitude towards outliers of the mainstream) were met by generalized disbelief and mockery. I thought that we have already moved away from the practices that discourage sharing surprising results. Of course, there is a thin line between sharing to prompt healthy discussions and incurring unethical practices, but where are going to end up if we try to ban everything that does not comply with our preconceptions? And even if claims end up being wrong, how are we supposed to ensure that they are corrected if we promote distrust and an unwelcoming arena. Is this a retrogression powered by a more than ever intolerant society? or it never left and is it just becoming evident as communications allow it? I think we should do better.

[not-poignant]

Is there anyone trustworthy that can log into your tumblr to post an update if anything happens to you?

You're my favourite fic writer and although I don't know you personally I still care about you. And i'd hate to assume the worst but wouldn't be able to help it if it just went radio silent.

Hi anon,

This is something Glen and I talked pretty frankly about this and what happens if I die when they found I had three more tumours in my head/neck (that are still there!) - because at the time we were in book 1 of The Ice plague and I was like 'what happens if I don't make it and the series isn't finished' lmao. We've also had to discuss it because my suicidality can be very severe sometimes.

So anyway, Glen knows to come online and post a message if I die - though if it's for health reasons we'll probably see it coming (i.e. I will be posting and people will be able to see those posts), and if it's sudden he may not feel up to posting a message to people online when he's dealing with all the irl stuff that comes from a sudden death. Though to get even more morbid about it, if we both get taken out in a car accident or something, no one will be posting here.

I'd also add that if I stop posting here and everywhere else (i.e. Instagram, Discord etc.) for about two/three weeks without warning then something has almost certainly happened. I don't think I've ever taken a break from posting that long pretty much since I started this Tumblr. I posted through 6 weeks of head/neck radiotherapy as my hair fell out and I completely lost my sense of taste (and continued to post chapters), so I can only really see a hospitalisation or something more dire causing a big length of unforecasted stereo silence.

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

I Will Never Be Well: Why Good News is No News

I’m sure you’ve been wondering why I haven’t written in a while. Part of it is that I set myself a very high standard at the beginning and now feel that anything I write has to be lengthy, meditative, and circumspect. I’ll try to get away from that, so that I can share news when I feel I have any. That is, however, only part of it. The other, more substantive reason that I have for not sharing is that my last scans (on September 27th) showed good news. Although the initial tumor didn’t get any smaller a couple other ones did and—the real news—nothing spread or got bigger.

That’s great! Why didn’t I share it? Precisely because it’s great. Those results were really only the second time I heard anything like good news and part of me is filled with the fear, or even the certainty, that good news is in short supply and that I’ll run out soon. I don’t want to spread it too widely because I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, including mine.

[Below the cut, reflections on being stage 4 and the time-limited nature of “good news.”]

I have actually found myself annoyed by people’s celebratory, relieved reactions to the news that the clinical trial has been working. “Sure it is,” I think, “but for how long?”. The truth is that nothing will work forever. The median time during which patients on the forerunner of this trial (those with BRCA germline mutations) saw improvement was 8 months. I started this trial in July. Even if I’m average (which, let’s remember, I haven’t been at any point in this entire process), that means timing out in March. (Happy birthday to me.)  

Now, I might be exceptional in the other direction. There are people on PARP inhibitors who have been stable for 3-5 years. That would be amazing. We can hope, and hope is certainly worthwhile. But the fundamental truth is that good news that I get is only good in context. And the context is still pretty terrible. I feel like people either don’t know that (not everyone has such an extensive and intimate understanding of cancer) or allow themselves to forget it (a luxury that they’re allowed).

The result is that I feel that, with very few exceptions, no one understands that I will never be well. I will never be normal. I will never not have cancer. This is what it is to be stage 4.

I had the opportunity a couple weekends ago to attend a pair of events at the Dana-Farber clinic in Boston, both specifically for unusual patient demographics that include me. The first was a summit for women under 40. The second was an entire day devoted to research into and strategies for patients with metastatic breast cancer. Both were well-attended—I’d guess 200ish people at each—with very little audience overlap. And, among those four hundred or so women, I still did not meet anyone who has my triple-word score of bad luck: under 40, stage 4, triple negative.

Because of this, even in the breast cancer community, even in the company of people I know do understand certain aspects of it in intimate, painful detail, I feel isolated and often experience empathy fatigue. Women at the first summit were at all stages and many were survivors. It was great to see so many people at my rough life stage who were coping with a variety of problems entirely different from those who are older, but I still felt like I didn’t quite fit. Because in this demographic, the stage 4 (also known as “metastatic” or “mets”) representation was pretty minimal.  

It makes sense. Typically, younger women’s cancer is caught earlier, informed as they are about early screening based on a family history or genetic predisposition. In addition, most stage 4 patients do not start out that way, instead experiencing the progression of the disease from an earlier stage at a limited point in the body. (And, if you’re still counting, this is a fourth thing that makes me statistically unusual: having a de novo metastatic diagnosis. I met one other woman who was stage 4, de novo, and under 40 and, while not triple negative, she also wasn’t married and didn’t have kids. I need to hang on to her.) Consequently, most stage 4 patients have been dealing with cancer for years already and tend to be older.

And also, of course, metastatic cancer patients tend to die.

I can’t see any of you, but I can still feel you cringe at that. I’m not usually so blunt about it because it’s a harsh reality. But it is reality. We’ve moved beyond the stage—wonderfully, with incredible work and fascinating science—that, at least for breast cancer, “stage 4” doesn’t equate to “terminal.” It does, however, equate to “incurable.” I have an incurable disease. And, the way things look right now, I will eventually die from it.

Now, don’t anybody say anything about getting hit by a bus, please. When’s the last time that actually happened, for one thing, and, for another, while many things are possible some things, like my life being ended by cancer, are more probable than others. We can hope it’s very eventual, or that circumstances change profoundly. The goal for metastatic breast cancer is to transform it into a chronic condition that can be maintained and controlled and, particularly for young women, be part of a long and relatively normal life. As normal as it can be with the constant, gnawing anxiety, punctuated by moments of terror at the idea that the treatment will stop working and that the cancer will grow again and that, maybe this time, they won’t find something to halt the progress.

This brings in the third rare group that I’m part of (one which doesn’t have its own summit): women with triple negative breast cancer. If you’ve been taking notes you’ll remember that this means my particular cancer cells don’t have any of the three receptors on them (estrogen, progesterone, and HER2) that open up other treatment options, like hormone therapy and Herceptin. I learned at this conference that only 15% of breast cancer is triple-negative. Multiply that by the odds of being under-40 and stage 4 and it’s…well, it’s apparently less than one in four hundred people, based on my experience. And I can’t help but feel bitter about that, try as I do to remain optimistic overall.

There is no “good” kind of cancer. (Not even “the kind that happens to other people.”) But, truly, there is a hierarchy of types and, within each type, a hierarchy of curability or treatability and, within that, a hierarchy of the ease of those things. Breast cancer is a better type than some (leukemia; lymphoma; pancreatic), well-funded and thoroughly researched. But within those parameters, I’m in the worst of the worst position. Most of the treatments that allow stage 4 patients to control their cancer involve hormone therapy and Herceptin, neither of which will work for me. Most of the new, promising research (aside from the study that I’m in right now) has to do with immunotherapy involving PDL1 – a protein on the cell surface that I don’t have.

So even though the generalities we speak in give reason for optimism, even at stage 4, for me all the particulars are pretty dismal. Yes, we hope that the treatment that’s currently working keeps working for a really long time. Yes, part of what I hope (intend!) to do is to stick around long enough for the science to get even better, for them to (for example) find other proteins on the cell’s surface that function like PDL1. For antibody-drug conjugates to really take off. For something as yet unknown to be discovered. I believe very deeply in the power of research medicine and it does give me hope. I’m always hoping.

Hope is the thing with feathers, but sometimes they get to looking pretty bedraggled. It’s easy to understand why I feel like, if the PARP inhibitors stop working, I’ve pretty much lost my only shot. Remember how chemo didn’t do anything? How my tumor got bigger and the cancer spread to my liver? Doing that again, looking for another clinical trial, and hoping that the science moves fast enough for me is all I would have if I had to leave the study. Which I’ll find out about in the next 10 days, as I check in for more scans on November 8th and hear results on the 11th or 12th.

So what’s the right balance between celebrating the good news—news good enough that after my September scans my oncologist swept me up in a hug—and remembering that, even in the best case scenario, my life will be filled with treatments that are long and painful and only effective for a limited period of time? And what about you all? How do you support someone through that? Do you choose optimism that can seem to miss the point, even coming off as naïve? Or a tempered realism that may seem not to offer enough enthusiasm to match a full understanding of the significance of good news?

I’m not able to give you an answer. The best I can do is try to give you some idea, through posts like this, what I’m facing and what’s going on for me, even when the news is good. But I will also try (when the news IS good) to share that information more widely. Because even a limited amount of good is, in a situation like this, worth celebrating.

[its-flicked-switch]

It Can Be

Teen and Up | 2.8k

While on a stakeout, a burning question is asked leading to unexpected revelations and a conversation that is long overdue. Set mid to late S6.

This story was written for the X-Files Secret Summer Fanfic Exchange (2019) created and orchestrated by OnlyTheInevitable\\ @gaycrouton.

Prompt: "I'm ok with twists or turns, fluff or angst, but true to characters."

A gift to Pstafford3 (Twitter)

Beta by: @kikocrystalball and @admiralty-xfd

"Well, you need a father, of course. I can get you genetic counseling on finding an anonymous donor if that's what you want... unless you already have someone in mind."

"Yeah... I, uh... I just have to figure out how to ask him."

Flashback in 8x13 — Per Manum

|| 2 days later ||

"If Emily had lived … do you think I could have done it? Been a single mother?"

They've been sitting in a car outside of an abandoned warehouse for nearly an hour indulging one of his hunches. Mulder had anticipated catching the third degree for calling her at 2 A.M. on a Saturday morning, but this is not the degree he expected, so he proceeds with caution.

"That's a rather loaded question."

He doesn't say it to be abrasive or to deflect away from the seriousness and vulnerability he hears in her voice. He says it because he's not sure what else to say.

Their interactions following the revelation of her stolen ova have been strained. While Scully hasn't outright ignored him or overtly lashed out at him, she's certainly maintained a respectable distance, keeping her fury and frustration hidden beneath layers of masked professionalism. After their discussion in the elevator, Mulder had braced himself for fire and brimstone, but so far, all he has been afforded is silence, which is far worse.

Two weeks have passed, but the tension is still unbearably high, leading him to believe that she has conferred with several specialists of her own choosing and has now reached the same conclusion he arrived at little over a year ago — the ova are not viable. While he can appreciate her anger, he doubts that she fully grasps his intent in keeping it from her or the depth at which it has eaten away at him.

When he discovered her stolen ova back in 1997, he immediately took them to a specialist to be assessed, and when he hadn't gotten the answer he wanted to hear, he had them sent them to another one. That pattern held for well over six months before he finally relented.

Keeping it from her had been an easy decision to make in the beginning given how gravely ill she was, but as her health returned, his justification in continuing to do so had been more complicated. Ultimately, he had kept it from her out of pure, unadulterated hope. Hope that there was an answer — a different path that he could take that would lead him to something other than the devastating news he currently had: the ova are not viable.

How in the fuck was he supposed to tell her that? On top of everything else, how could he possibly tell her that he had found her ova, but that there was nothing to be done with them? That they were useless? He couldn't even say it to himself in the mirror without becoming physically ill.

If the syndicate possessed the power to cure her cancer, then was it not reasonable to assume that they also possessed the ability to reverse her infertility? Somehow turning unviable ova into something viable? It didn't seem any less likely than curing incurable cancer.

Scully was the scientist, not him. Yet, the leading experts in the field had already told him that he was wasting his time and money looking for alternatives and storing ova that were not viable. Within a year, he was convinced that there was nothing conventional that could be done and was unable to stomach telling Scully that the fate of her ability to conceive a child of her own making would rest in the hands of the same monsters who had taken that right from her to begin with.

He valued his partnership with Scully more than anything, and he would move mountains or die trying before he would ever hurt her. And this news — this secret, would undoubtedly hurt her, so instead of telling her the truth, he had kept it from her and continued to search for solutions on his own with the hope that when the time came, he would have an answer. But in the blink of an eye, weeks turned into months and months into years, and still, there had been no resolution, conventional or otherwise.

And then came Emily.

Emily's sudden appearance changed everything. She was living proof that Scully's ova had been viable at one point, or that perhaps, out of all those extracted, he had just been unlucky enough to grab the one vial that was useless.

That was the other issue. Telling Scully the truth would require another harmful and devastating admission. There were more out there, and they were currently unaccounted for. When he returned to the research facility to retrieve the other vials, they were gone, either removed or destroyed, and there was no way to determine which since the facility had been burned to the ground.

The matter was further complicated by his degree of uncertainty with regards to her current medical status and the nature and permanency of the effects of the experimentation that was performed. While it was clear that they had taken a substantial amount of Scully's reproductive material, it was unclear if they had taken everything. Had what was in that drawer been a representation of everything they had taken? Or had there been more stored elsewhere? Had the extraction left her completely barren? Or had it merely ensured that it would be difficult for her to conceive naturally? If so, did she know?

Seeing her with Emily had only deepened his despair. He should have told her about the ova then. Hell, he should have told her as soon as she returned to work, months before Emily ever came into the picture, but he continued to hold back, having convinced himself that all he needed was more time. But all of that changed two weeks ago when he found Scully standing in a daze on the elevator. In that moment, every argument and justification he had ever made crumbled.

He couldn't keep it from her any longer. Not when she had brought it to him directly. She deserved to know the truth, and he had already kept it from her for far longer than he should have.

This is how Mulder came to be the asshole who told his partner about her stolen ova on an elevator.

"So you don't," Scully says, breaking their silence. "You don't think I could have done it."

There's an edge to her voice that makes him inwardly cringe. It comes out matter-of-fact, but Mulder knows better.

"I didn't say that. I just said it was a loaded question," he replies, doing his best to choose his words carefully.

"You either do or don't. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know."

The bite in her voice is unmistakable. Scully is pissed, and frankly, she has a right to be. He just wishes that he could find a way to articulate his intentions to her. While he's well aware of the fact that he can be a certified asshole, he would never do anything to intentionally harm her, and he knows that underneath all of the anger and hurt, she knows that.

Everything he has done, he has done to protect her.

"Scully—"

"I asked you to back me up … to testify on my behalf and you did, but there was … hesitancy there. From both you and my family."

"I can't speak for your family, Scully. I can only speak for myself, but you're right, I did have reservations … but none of them had anything to do with you or your ability to parent or raise a child."

"Then—"

"Three years after your abduction, a child shows up with your DNA. I was questioning the validity of it and what it could mean, especially in light of what I knew they had taken from you. Had the circumstances been different, I would have been happy for you … elated even, but instead I was terrified … for you and for her … and at the same time I was furious."

"Furious?"

"They took something from you that they had no right to take … something that was yours to give to a person of your choosing. And Emily? She didn't deserve … no child deserves to be a pawn in someone else's game. I know that better than most."

The silence that ensues is thick, but instead of letting it hang, Mulder presses forward.

"I just had a feeling … a feeling that it wasn't real."

"She was real, Mulder, and she was mine."

"Yet she wasn't. She bled green."

She doesn't argue with him on this point because she can't, but she's clearly not pleased with him for making it to begin with.

"I shouldn't have kept this from you, Scully. I know that, and I'm sorry."

"Yet you did it anyway. For almost two years."

"You've never asked me why."

"Because it doesn't matter. You had no right."

"It does matter. It matters a lot."

"Okay. I'll bite. Why, Mulder? Why did you think that keeping me in the dark about MY OWN genetic material was a good call for YOU to make? Were you afraid that I would break down and check myself into a psychiatric ward? Or was keeping it from me more about your impending fear of me leaving you alone to chase monsters in the dark?"

The heat radiating off of her body and venom in her voice startles him into silence.

This is the reaction he anticipated two weeks ago, but the anticipation hasn't diminished its impact. It would be easy in this moment to give it right back to her and let his rising pulse predominate, giving her the fight she's clearly looking for, but he won't. If she wants to be angry, that is certainly her right, but she is at least going to have all of the facts straight first.

"Do you honestly believe, after everything that we've been through, that I would ever do anything to intentionally hurt you, Dana?"

The use of her given name is intentional. It's a quiet, subtle ceasefire, and the effect it has is immediate. As soon as it rolls off of his tongue, she stills, the fire in her eyes dissipating as her attention shifts. Holding her gaze, he lets the silence that follows hang, cooling the air around them before he continues.

"The look of devastation that crossed your face … I would have done anything in the world to keep that look off of your face, so yes, I kept it from you. I consulted every credentialed doctor and accredited research facility in the country and refused to let them destroy them despite being told repeatedly that they weren't viable. I wanted to find a solution, even if it wasn't a conventional one … so that one day, when I did tell you, it wouldn't be the news I have now. Keeping this from you was wrong, and you have every right to be angry but don't think for a single second that it didn't weigh on me, because it did. It still does."

The silence that follows is heavy, the intensity of the moment driving Scully to avert her eyes. The fire that filled them earlier has fled, making way for the emotions brewing underneath. She's hurt, devastated even, and now, she's trying desperately not to cry.

Pulling his handkerchief out his pocket, he hands it to her and waits, unsure of what to say or if he should say anything else at all.

At this point, it's clear that this stakeout is a bust, but he doesn't want to make it more awkward or break the moment by starting the car and pulling away. Instead, he fixes his eyes ahead, giving her a bit of privacy as the light of dawn begins to creep up over the horizon.

"You still haven't answered my question," she says after a few moments have passed.

Her voice is low, but the tone she sets requires no translation. Scully is a woman of action, so the fact that she has returned to her original question is her concession. While she may not like or agree with what he has kept from her, she has forgiven him.

"If you're asking me if I think that you would be a good mother, then the answer is yes," Mulder replies.

The lack of hesitancy in his response appears to surprise her, shifting her gaze back to his.

"Then why the—"

"You asked specifically about being a single mother," he replies evenly.

"Yes, and?"

Sighing, Mulder shifts uncomfortably, unsure of how much more he should say if anything at all.

"Well, I just don't see that as being an issue, and I'm not saying that because I think you are incapable of doing it alone."

"They why are you saying it?"

"Scully … look … I …," he says, taking a deep breath. "I already feel like I'm six feet under, I don't want to say anything to make it worse."

"That ship has already sailed, so you might as well just say it."

Sighing and regarding her cautiously, he relents and says what's on his mind. If she wants an honest answer, he will give her one. Given all he has kept from her over the past two years, he owes her that much.

"It's just … you have too much to offer someone else to be forced down that road alone."

Of all the things she expected to come out of his mouth, this was clearly not one of them. The blush rising in her cheeks does little to hide her surprise at his admission. He would feel more guilty for making her uncomfortable if she didn't look so radiant. Even with minimal sleep and tear stained eyes, she's still the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. That much hasn't changed in the six years he's known her.

"Look," he says, returning his focus back to the warehouse. "All I'm saying is that if raising a child is something you want to do, then there is absolutely no reason for you do it alone unless you just want to."

"Mulder, I haven't been asked out on a date in years."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Well, it's true."

"Men can be idiots."

To this, he receives no argument, only a ghost of a snort as Scully relaxes more deeply into her seat.

"Well, then, I guess all the men currently in my life are idiots."

"Guilty as charged," he says, raising his hands into the air.

Their soft laughter echoes in the car briefly before again returning them into silence, but unlike the silences that preceded them, this one is comfortable. Mulder knows he should quit while he is ahead, but he can't.

"You're a lethal combination, Scully. Not all men can handle that."

"Lethal combination?"

"Stunning and intelligent. Typically, you get one or the other … both are… well, a bit rare and can be a bit intimidating."

Scully doesn't say anything in response, but the pink hue rising up through her neck and into her cheeks warns him that he's teetering dangerously close to the edge. He doesn't want to embarrass her or make her uncomfortable, but he also wants her to know that he does see her, not just as a partner but as a woman. A woman who has a tremendous amount to offer, little of which has anything to do with her reproductive status.

When she doesn't speak, he begins to backpedal a bit, not wanting to end on a note that is upsetting or uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Look, I think you will be an excellent mother with or without a partner, so if that's what you're asking, then that's my answer. Forget the rest."

"You didn't make me uncomfortable Mulder," she says quietly, avoiding his eyes. "It's just … not something I'm used to hearing."

"Hmmm … sounds to me like you need better friends, or maybe just a better partner. One who actually encourages you to get out of the car."

"Mmmm … my partner can certainly be an ass, but he's grown on me. And most of the time, I don't actually mind being in the car."

"And the other times?"

To this, she only smirks, nodding her head in a manner of dismissal and averting her gaze back to the warehouse. When it's clear she's going to let the question hang without answering it, Mulder changes the subject.

"Why … why bring this up?"

He asks the question half expecting her to skirt around it without directly answering it, but she doesn't.

"Because I'm almost 35. There are options out there … I just have to decide whether or not I'm going to take them."

"Well, whatever you decide, you'll have my full support, Scully."

The silence that follows surprises him, causing him to shift his focus back to her and study her expression. What he finds is as intriguing as it is troubling. There's clearly something weighing on her mind. Something she isn't sharing.

"I wish it were that simple."

Reaching out, he takes her hand in his and gives it a squeeze.

"It can be."

[soulhealingpractice]

The connection between Healing and Energy Healing.

I get often asked, by my clients around the world, what Energy does...in terms of healing?

If I wear those crystal’s bracelets infused with Reiki energy, are they going to do, any good?

 As everyone knows, I am a truly believer of Healing Energy, and the fact is that, Healing Energy has done in 12 months what prescripts could not resolve. If you would like to know, what has encouraged me to take this healing journey, just click here.

And let me explain this in a deeper level, just because I am not trying to convince you that conventional medicine will not do any good for you, because it is not true. What I really try to say here, is that if you break an arm, have a car accident, or accidentally by chopping vegetables you ended-up chopping one of your fingers, of course you must see a surgeon! in that case, holistic energy will not do any good to you.

But,

Your body has been created with the enormous power and ability to heal itself, if you treat your condition holistically. However, people might ask, what “holistic” really means?

Holistic is really “wholistic”, meaning that the whole person is treated, so the physical body is not viewed or treated separately but seen as a part of the whole person, with the other aspects – mind, emotions, spirit and even environment and lifestyle – being equally important. The holistic model doesn’t just concentrate on the symptoms of an illness or disease, it begins to look for causes. It assumes that although some physical causation is obviously a factor of illness, such as a virus or being genetically predisposed to a disease, there are other issues to consider. A person’s state of mind, level of emotional stability, living conditions or stress at work could all be a part of his or her health crisis.

As an example, I have treated clients, with Reiki Healing Sessions and Crystal Energy for lower back discomfort, the client’s focus is of course, in their pain and on that part of their body, which causes too much soreness on a daily basis, not allowing them to do some basic activities, such as walk and in some cases, not even sleep.

What I really see, and I address, as a practitioner, is the root of the condition, which is usually generated by energy blockages on the Root Chakra “Muladhara” located in the base of the spine/perineum and is associated on life aspects such as; survival, security, grounding, money, home, job and sense of belonging. 

Our minds shape our body, and our emotions drives our body, what it is on your mind or what you are feeling, right now, on this moment, will be reflected on your physical body, eventually… of course.

 Healing as a Holistic Issue:

So, from the above information you can see that healing is not something that happens “out there”, something which someone else “does” to you. There is really only one “healer” of your body, and that is YOU, because ALL healing is self-healing. Your body possesses the mechanisms to heal itself, so all anyone else can do – whether that person is a doctor, a nurse, a complementary therapist or a Reiki Practitioner – is to kick-start that natural process in some way, whether by conventional or alternative means.

Of course, your body copes every day with lots of other potential hazards; for example, if it is invaded by a virus, such as the common cold, your immune system is mobilised, and all those rather unpleasant symptoms you experience, such as a high temperature and a runny nose, are actually the effects from the virus itself. Indeed, taking medication to lower your temperature when you have a simple cold could be undoing much of your body’s good work, because the virus is being killed off by the rise in temperature.

Although of course there are some circumstances where it is essential to bring a temperature down if it gets dangerously high, such as with small children.

If your body is so good at healing itself, why are there times when it isn’t completely well? Why do people continue to suffer from chronic or incurable illnesses? The reason is because healing – and health – are holistic issues, not simply physical ones.

As an example, your body produces pre-cancerous (altered) cells every day, but almost all the time your immune system detects and destroys them. If your immune system is not operating as effectively as usual, however, it is possible that not all of them will be destroyed.

There are a number of possible reasons for this; perhaps your body is already struggling to fight another major infection, or your immune system has been seriously affected by some related stressful event, such as a close bereavement (or even a happy but nevertheless stressful event like a wedding), or perhaps it is because your body does not have the right nutritional balance to work at optimum strength. Any of these causes, and there are a number of other possibilities, can be at the root of the growth of cancerous cells in an otherwise healthy body.

In many cases, even if this happens, providing the immune system can return to normal working capacity fairly quickly it will tackle any early cancerous growth and destroy it, and you will be none the wiser. If the cancer develops, of course, there are various conventional medical interventions that can help: surgery, chemotherapy, radiation treatment. But you have probably also heard of people who have gone on to develop mature cancerous growths, yet who have managed to mobilise their own body to destroy the cancer, sometimes with astonishing speed, even without medical interventions.

These people always have a very positive attitude and an overwhelming determination to “get better”, as well as having supportive people around them to help them to release emotional blockages and to gain insight into the reasons for their illness. Also, they have usually used a variety of techniques such as Reiki and crystal healing, or other complementary therapies to help them to activate their own healing ability, because the causes of any serious illness are likely to be complex and multi-levelled.

Remember though, that you should always consult your doctor if you feel ill and be guided by them.

Thank you for reading my blog post today, Carla x

Interested in further readings; I recommend; Penelope Quest, author of the Reiki Manual.

[bitch-is-for-okay]

The Thrilling and Tragic Tale of Elizabeth Bright

a draw my bitlife episode based on the series by series by lavendertowne on youtube.

content warning: some adult themes, such as sex, drug abuse, and death. also, one slightly nsfw-ish image (undies).

 proceed with caution.

Elizabeth is born on September 29th in Oklahoma City to parents Pierre and Grace Smelley. A beautiful, bouncing baby girl, she is immediately loved by all who meet her. The same can be said for her younger sisters, Alexa and Amaya. Her parents are genetic masterpieces, for never was there a trio so smart, healthy, and freakishly attractive as the Smelley sisters. Here's their first portrait as a full family:

Elizabeth ages as well as any other beautiful and wealthy child. Her father rules the household with an iron fist, and her mother with a silk glove. Because of this, she manages to balance a strict work ethic at school with her after school job and duties at home. Her baby and petsitting business are the highest reviewed in the city. When her own pet - a cat named Cleo - falls ill with a number of incurable illnesses and dies at a young age, she only throws herself deeper into her work. 

Her beauty becomes more pronounced with every passing year. In ninth grade, she is asked out by the most popular and handsome boy in her class, Malik Bright. In three years, they will graduate together, and in another three years, they will be married. They are a beautifully matched couple, and though Elizabeth will eventually outlive him, she will never love anyone as much as she loved him.

When Elizabeth turns 22, she steps into the poRN BUSINESS, BABEYYY! It starts as a way to earn enough money to pay for her degree at dance school, but she finds a genuine love for the industry. She learns to write the most titilating, salATIOUS pornos. Her husband supports her wholeheartedly, not least because it leads to some... interesting activities in the bedroom, and also because neither of them can complain about the numbers in their bank account. All of this sex leads to the birth of a handsome baby boy, Trayvon Bright, who is just as beautiful as his parents.

Apparently Elizabeth wore her pregnancy well, because it leads to a promotion. Her boss is thrilled with her ability to write and direct a saucy scene, and wants her to switch from camera woman... to cum woman ;). She's finally able to put her hard earned degree in dancing to good use. She's ecstatic, but she can't help repeating a prayer as she rises to fame - PLEASE let my son be gay, PLEASE let my son be gay...

Unfortunately, her newfound fame pollutes her in much the same way that an otter gives birth to an orca - messily, painfully, and with a boatload of drugs. She gets the VIP service at every nightclub, which involves adderall nitrous oxide and lots and lots of alcohol. She begins worrying over her physical beauty in a way she never has before. When one of her several topless photoshoots is received less positively than others, she turns to plastic surgery. After a botched boob job, she gets even more bad press in the form of a messy lawsuit with her surgeon. Although she does win the suit, her boobs will never be the same. She remembers them in her first ever book, a memoir titled "A Tale of Two Titties: Elizabeth." To make matters worse, she also becomes more and more estranged from her family. She fights more and more often with her youngest sister Amaya, but the tables really begin to turn when Amaya, in a fit of rage, whacks Elizabeth's recovering nipple with a rolling pin. Elizabeth has had enough, and she takes her sister Amaya to court as well. She barely wins enough money in the case to settle the court fees, but it's a big enough "fuck you" that Amaya refuses, from that point on, to ever speak to Elizabeth again. And the Smelley family takes her side - her mother and father, her sister Alexa, and her niece and nephews all cut her off faster than you can say "Out, damned spot!" Life now in shambles, Elizabeth splits all her time between her fame, her husband, and her son. She leans on Malik now more than ever.

But poor Elizabeth can't have anything good anymore. Her husband is fucking KIDNAPPED and held for a ransom of $360,000. Fearing they'll kill him if she involves the police, Elizabeth quietly and quickly pays the ransom. But Malik is never returned to her, and she is forced to mourn his loss when he is legally announced dead. This is the true turning point in Elizabeth's life. At the age of forty-seven, she gives up her career in the porn industry and falls down a long, lonely depressive spiral. She takes her five million in savings to the casino and the horse races, hoping that losing her fortune in one foul swoop will make her feel alive again, but she only manages to double her money. She fights with her family openly, and is even assaulted by her father when she goes too far. Elizabeth is taken over by a blinding rage. Her husband, her true love, is dead. Her sisters will never forgive her for what she has put them through. Her mother dies of esophageal cancer. Clearly, any hopes of returning to a happy family are gone, so Elizabeth does the only thing she can do.

She pushes her father down the stairs and murders him.

She only lives a few years longer than him. She tries more drugs, gets more plastic surgery, sues some more people. Then, finally, at the age of 59 she finds a briefcase full of opium and consumes it in its entirety, thus ending the torturous life of Elizabeth Bright.

[saladchance1-blog]

Shane Sutton Accused Of Lying As Dr Freeman's Barrister Hits Out

Whizz until it turns to liquid and style, adding more of the above substances till you’re happy with the flavour. The ginger and turmeric (both superfoods, wealthy in metabolism-boosting antioxidants) will give it a spicy kick, whereas the lemon makes it fresh and citrussy. There must be enough for two glasses. Serve chilled, and drink it very first thing within the morning — supplying you with the right excuse to indulge for the rest of the day. Butter — especially alcohol-laced butter — might not sound like the obvious thing to place in your hair, however there are unexpected advantages to lathering it into your locks. It’s stuffed with fatty acids, which lock in moisture from the basis to the tip, making hair look thick and silky, and taming frizz or flyaway strands. In small quantities, brandy has additionally been confirmed to enhance circulation to the scalp and forestall hair loss. Upmarket cosmetics model Molton Brown even sells a brandy-based mostly bath and shower gel for £24. Mix nicely and add a tablespoon every of castor oil (which stimulates hair progress) and glycerine (which stops the mask from drying out). Beat the mixture with a spoon until it kinds a paste.

Whether you're on a plane, in a car, or out #camping - make sure that you're always ready when #intimacy strikes. No pills. No injections. #Natural #performance! Learn more: https://hubs.ly/H0mmBmQ0 #curated #gainswave pic.twitter.com/hgmCy8rUOG

— GAINSWave (@GainsWave) December 25, 2019

Obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) happens when tissue on the again of the throat collapses and blocks a person’s airway. This leads to a begin-cease breathing sample, making it difficult to sleep soundly. Erectile dysfunction is kind of widespread in men who have OSA. In 2009, German researchers reported that 69% of male study contributors with obstructive sleep apnea also had ED. Scientists aren’t positive precisely why men with OSA have higher rates of erectile dysfunction, but they have some theories. Sleep deprivation is one attainable cause. Men’s bodies produce testosterone (a hormone that's necessary for sexual perform) during the night time. However inadequate sleep, reminiscent of that brought on by sleep apnea, can reduce testosterone levels, leading to poor erections and decreased libido. In addition, sleep-deprived men usually feel fatigued and careworn, which can worsen sexual problems. It’s also attainable that men with sleep apnea aren’t getting sufficient oxygen whereas they sleep. Oxygen is vital for healthy erections, so any deficiency can cause a problem.

Erectile dysfunction is a typical situation of males in center and older ages. Twin studies counsel that about one-third of the chance is due to genetic elements, impartial of other identified erectile dysfunction danger elements. However, studies that have looked for specific genetic contributors have been restricted as a consequence of small sample sizes, candidate gene approaches, and weak phenotyping. Because of this, there are not any confirmed genetic threat components for erectile dysfunction. This research finds a selected genetic trigger for erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction impacts thousands and thousands of men worldwide. Twin research support the position of genetic threat factors underlying erectile dysfunction, however no specific genetic variants have been identified. We conducted a large-scale genome-extensive affiliation study of erectile dysfunction in 36,649 males in the multiethnic Kaiser Permanente Northern California Genetic Epidemiology Research in Adult Health and Aging cohort. We additionally undertook replication analyses in 222,358 males from the UK Biobank. 6.Eight × 10−14), and the impact is independent of recognized erectile dysfunction risk components, together with physique mass index (BMI). The chance locus resides on the identical topologically associating area as SIM1 and interacts with the SIM1 promoter, and the rs17185536-T danger allele showed differential enhancer exercise. SIM1 is part of the leptin-melanocortin system, which has a longtime role in body weight homeostasis and sexual perform. Because the variants associated with erectile dysfunction should not associated with variations in BMI, our findings recommend a mechanism that's particular to sexual perform. Discovery of an Erectile Dysfunction Risk Locus in the GERA Cohort and Replication in the UK Biobank Cohort.

Hair Loss, Mayo Clinic. Link right here

You think your youngster must be seen, and the problem is urgent

Hormone disorders

Abnormal hair cycling

My Battle With Hair Loss

It could also be because of hair shedding, poor high quality hair, or hair thinning

Hair loss is extraordinarily common, affecting about 50 million men and 30 million girls within the U.S. About GAINSWave Provider of men could have some hair loss by the point they flip 50. Hair loss is just not life-threatening, although it may have devastating psychological results, significantly in ladies. What Are Causes of Hair Loss? Hair loss is commonly attributable to genetics, that's, it runs in families. In general it isn't a symptom of illness, nevertheless, thyroid illness, anemia, ringworm of the scalp, and anorexia may cause hair loss. As well as, some medications equivalent to cancer chemotherapy may trigger momentary hair loss. Hair growth usually returns to normal when the medications are stopped. In some instances, hormones after giving start or throughout menopause may cause thinning hair. There are a number of sorts of hair loss, usually categorised by whether or not the loss is localized, or if it affects giant areas, or if the hair loss is patchy or affects your complete scalp.

Research have proven that about one sufferer in 15 has contemplated suicide, and a few do take their very own lives. So to say patients ‘never die’ from the disease is untrue. And, yes, it is incurable. However that doesn’t imply they ‘never get better’. There’s quite a bit we can do to help. For a few of my psoriasis patients, their skin situation is simply considered one of a host of well being complaints. The illness can go hand in hand with obesity, diabetes and excessive blood pressure - a dangerous group of issues sometimes referred to as metabolic syndrome. In a 2013 study of greater than 70,000 women, those who have been obese have been virtually twice as probably than those of a wholesome weight to endure from psoriasis. Scientists are uncertain as to the precise nature of this relationship. But it's thought to be associated to inflammatory processes, frequent to metabolic syndrome and psoriasis. Fat cells have a spread of features, including releasing chemical messengers that help regulate the immune system.