#because my family constantly pointed out my acne

[gxlden-angels]

Sometimes working through religious trauma is a heartfelt hour talking about reclaiming your bodily autonomy after being sexualized and shamed from a young age with your religious trauma coach and other times it's this text message from your therapist then a caption suggestion to "show my tumblr friends":

[montypng]

new follower here, love your art so much it's filled with so much character! I saw your tag on the lovely ghoul art; so, thought I'd send an ask: I'd love to hear your thoughts on danger days! Any things at all, feel free to ramble if you want! I always love hearing others hcs/opinions/etc on the series!

HELLO this ask has been sitting in my inbox since january sorry..its mostly bc i have sooo many things 2 talk about and i wasnt sure what i wanted 2 say in this answer but whatever im just gonna ramble SO!!! U get a bunch of random hcs and maybe thematic analysis yippee!! and thank u soo much for the kind words :]

imo all the kjs have some form of body focused repetitive behavior because this is my world and i do what i want.. poison and ghoul have dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking), and kobra and jet have trich (hair pulling) maybe. I think constantly being on the run + adrenaline highs and lows would lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms for all of them and desert living leads 2 pretty shit skin (poison+kobra have at least had bad acne for sure) which is conducive to skin picking..i think the venom siblings and ghoul are bat city runaways too so the withdrawal from bli pills (+shakes and sweats) contributed to them developing bfrbs.

ghoul also gets really bad shakes and jitters from withdrawal, so when it gets so bad that they can’t work on their explosives he blasts mad gear as loud as it can from its speakers and lets himself scream all the frustration out.

also ghoul definitely has hearing loss from bomb detonation in too close proximity. tell me it would know abt proper hearing protection safety protocols with a straight face its impossible.

kobra was born w microform cleft lip, which means he has a little deformity/groove in his upper lip kind of similar to a snake’s . also he broke his nose at some point and it healed wrong so crooked nosebridge↴

both jet and kobra are prone to migraines bc of eye strain and sensitivity (jet is nearly fully blind in his right eye and both kobras eyes are extremely sensitive to light, hence the sunglasses).

sometimes when the migraines are too much they both lie down in the trans am seats together at night and close their eyes and breathe in the dark

prior to jets eye injury they were the teams best marksman, and im not sure yet how greatly that changes after they lose depth perception, but one thing i like to believe is that jet is also a great sniper (stereoscopic vision due to retinal disparity is also only effective up til about 30 meters too so he wouldnt need to rely on binocular vision for that), so maybe they focuse on that skill post-injury. how i picture their scar ↴

this is so long already but 1 last thing more in a thematic analysis vein: i need ppls opinions on the girl and her story PLEASE. she has so little agency in the canon narrative but . Where r the girlposters around here i need to hear others thoughts on her guilt complex from the fab 4s sacrifice and her running away from her own role as the protagonist of a story she never wanted 2 be part of and her blowing up the city that killed her family and whether or not that alleviated her neuroses and brought catharsis or not and her characterisation as a literal bomb and destructive force even though shes just a kid and ughhh. Linking this girl post i made a while ago w an anne carson quote that makes me crazy ANYWAYS. Talk 2 me about her. Im begging.

[panfritoo]

Yearning for 2014

It’s 2014. All my family is gathered at the restaurant to debut my becoming a woman. ‘My new monthly doom’, I think bending over by first-period cramps. I know for a fact that none of my sisters have been through this pseudo-tradition but, as the youngest family member, the older relatives rejoice in the mockery of this dinner and speak to me teasingly, knowing that whatever

I'm going through, they've already been through it all. Caught in the awkwardness, angst, and general anhedonia of puberty we reach dessert and I’m praying my bleeding uterus hasn't stained the chair's lining. That was the same year Lana Del Rey released her third album Ultraviolence, a time when her music served as a rite of passage. Her dreamy melancholic voice and lyrics on older men and drug use had to be consumed with a cautious warning, as they had cathartic effects on my already moody state.

I didn’t think there was any cultural significance at the time, but trends from 2014 have resurfaced on Instagram and TikTok, prompting discussions that contribute to the internet's fixation on that year. In the fashion industry, the emergence of an indie-sleaze revival marks a departure from the polished "clean girl aesthetic" that had dominated online platforms for years. This shift towards combat boots, distressed leather, and a deliberately messy look resonates with the unfiltered style of the early 2010s. Similarly, the film industry's wave of reboots and revivals including iconic shows like "Gossip Girl," "Sex and the City," and "Friends," taps into the comfort of familiar characters which says something about the generalized state of nostalgia. Moreover, the popularity of ‘POV: it's 2014’ videos on social media showcasing various ephemera and pop culture references that defined that year such as ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ and ‘Eos lip balm’ confirms there is cultural yearning for 2014.

But why are people obsessing over 2014?

Every generation makes the point that old times were better. Generation Z, me included, we're now at an age where we can start feeling nostalgic for the first time, as we've reached the threshold of adulthood. Our seemingly world-ending problems from when we were younger—like high school crushes and acne—now seem trivial in comparison to the complexities of adult life.

During my early teens, I was eager to grow up, idealizing all kinds of freedoms. But as I've grown older, I realize that many of the key milestones of life are out of my generation's reach. The dream of finding a fulfilling job, owning a home, and living life on my terms feels like a scam.

Adulthood is a fraud.

Social media also amplifies our crushed expectations, because while in our reality we are constantly facing struggles to make a living, in social media everyone seems to fucking have it together. The internet has become increasingly commodified and exploited for its business possibilities. Platforms such as Instagram and TikTok are no longer ‘social’ but a form of consumption. I can't even remember the days before doom-scrolling addiction wasn't a thing.

I yearn for when the internet was once a refuge for connection and exploration. In 2014 Instagram was still in its infancy, Facebook was still popular, but the ultimate platform was Tumblr. It's difficult to explain the significance of Tumblr. Is it a social media platform? Yes. Where you can share images and longer fragments of text? Yes. But it was also more, you had to be there to understand it. Tumblr was a world of its own, Tumblr funded URL counterculture materialized through music and fashion.

Unlike social media now, Tumblr was not based on followers or likes, users were highly anonymous creating a safe haven for teenage girls to blog and post images freely. The aesthetics movement, which became a substitute for subcultures, also originated on Tumblr. Within this ecosystem, individuals self-prescribe to an aesthetic such as grunge, pastel grunge, or hipster. "That's so Tumblr" was also an aesthetic of its own. Posting “aesthetically” pleasing featuring grainy black and white edits of Lana del Rey, knee-high socks, Doctor Martens, chokers, galaxy prints, vinyl records from The 1975 and Arctic Monkeys was a way to combat the ugliness in real life. Having this beautifully curated blog was a form of reinvention. However, not everything about Tumblr was pretty, images of anorexia, depression and self-harm circulated on the platform romanticizing mental health issues.

Life was simpler in 2014 because we were younger but also life just seems to have gotten complicated after 2015. Ebola, Brexit, Trump winning elections, the War in Ukraine and Gaza, and the COVID-19 pandemic. Lots of us feel that COVID robbed us of our youth and by the time we got out of isolation we were on the cusp of adulthood.

The longing for 2014 reflects more than just a desire for a bygone era; it symbolizes a yearning for a time when life seemed less daunting, and the future felt more hopeful. We cling to the memories of our youth as a form of escapism from the present. But this is not a way of living, as Andy Bernard character from the office said, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days...".

[idealspawn]

why the fuck do i have to have acne. this shit has ruined my life. literally predominantly this. me feeling dirty is written all over my fucking face i cant even try to ignore it. im afraid ill literally drop out of university bc of this. i dont make practically any plans w friends bc i feel disgusting. i cant make it out of the fucking house more than once a week if even that. this is so fucking unfair i dont know anyone who eats as clean as i do or has this good of a personal hygiene. most of my life ive avoided alcohol and smoking at all costs but at one point gave up only in the terms of weed because this shit wont go away either way. ive been on every fuckinf medication there is and even if ive had a few times that my skin cleared up, it has come back multiple times and worse each time. im tired of being on pills too, i dont want to fuck my gut up again. why cant my fucking acne be all cute and react to fucking meds properly this one time and be done w it. why the fuck does mine keep coming back for so many years. nobody else in my family has acne i dont understand wtf went wrong w me then. i know i shouldnt fucking complain bc my sister has it way worse, she has type 1 diabetes since she was 3 and many of my problems root from my looks which is so fucking superficial. but i cant help but wonder why the fuck did i have to be the daughter that got a crooked nose, a fucking cross bite and an underbite, a collapsed fucking ribcage and acne. why did i get the shittier genes regarding education as well, i am not nearly as academically successful and smart as my sister is. why am i the one who got the worse end of the stick regarding our family trauma as well. why the fuck are the effects of it debilitating on me and have lasted up until adulthood but not for my sister. ive done so much inner work and i constantly push myself to trust again and be open and kindhearted but im tired. i dont understand why do i keep getting blamed for shit i cant be responsible for too. i know everyone has problems and to everyone theirs are the fucking worst bc they experience it firsthand but it doesnt help the feeling go away. all i want is a simple fucking life. all i want is to live a normal life and be able to attend university and take part of normal things that normal young ppl do and not feel like love is exclusive bc its rare for someone to be attracted to someone like me. i just want to be fucking ordinary, completely basic and normal. im tired of fucking battleing with something at all times, its like i can never stop to take a breath. everything is actually okay whatever you cant fight destiny and what has happened has happened. i just want to whine. its easy to find reasons to hate your life if you start looking for them. my life has a lot of blessings too and privileges that some cant even dream about. stuff sure could be worse than this. nonetheless its all so emotionally taxing. im drained again and am left with no energy to study. didnt attend my lecture today again because my skin looked horrible and i dont have the balls to ask my professor for any accomodations. this whole post is me catastrophizing shit and an amazing example of the slippery slope and snowball effect that they taught us in uni last year to avoid.

[cower-before-power]

Vent below the cut

My mom drives me so crazy, I don’t know what to do. She treats me like her therapist, always telling me all her problems and expecting me to always take her side, that it’s always everyone else who is the problem. She cannot grasp the concept that we are grown adults with lives of our own, she expects to see my brother and his fiancée every week for dinner and expects to come visit us once a month for around 4-5 days, if someone cancels she gets upset and will find every way to drop into the conversation how upset she is. “Your brother can’t even see his mother once a week?? Can’t even call me to tell me they’ve got a new dog, he had to text?? Can’t ever offer to help me with anything? I’m not asking for much!! Other people get to see their kids and grandkids all the time!!!” It’s exhausting. Oh, and I have to call her at least twice a week, she was upset at one point that I wasn’t calling her enough, because she called her parents twice a week when they were alive.

Things she also has said/done: made insensitive comments about my weight and acne, implied I liked my MIL more than her because I did something in the kitchen the way MIL did and not her, told me she must have been a bad mother because I don’t do household chores the exact way she taught me, accused my husband of controlling me when he encouraged me to set boundaries with her, cried that I didn’t think of her house and the city I grew up in as home anymore (because my house with my family is my home now?? Hello??), constantly calls herself dumb and old and slow when she makes a mistake….there’s so much more honestly.

I love my mom, I know she’s struggling with my dad being gone but she makes me want to tear my hair out. Even when my dad was alive, we had these problems. I wish she’d start therapy to help but she refuses. It’s a constant stress in my life. If I had no kids I’d consider cutting her out but my kids love her and they’ve already lost two grandparents in the last two years, I cannot make them lose another.

Sorry, just had to vent, she’s visiting right now and i’m stressed. Thanks for listening.

[alifereviewjournal]

Healthy Life Style...Sigh

When you looked at social media posts, there are many people posting about the healthy lifestyles they had, achieved, or strived on. Like it is a goal or some kind of achievement. Well in 2023 I guess I have to accept that a healthy lifestyle is not something that I could choose, my body required it.

Is a healthy lifestyle like balanced eating and enough exercise easy for me? I would say it is not that hard.

Please note, balanced eating for me is basically don't restrict myself from eating anything as long as not too much or often. So yeah I eat everything, boba drink, soda, cake, noodles with thick broth, bread, meat with cheese topping, salad, fruit bowl, Doritos chips, gummy bear, ... you name it, I almost eat everything. So you can give me a huge bowl of salad, and I'll devour it gladly. Steak meat with mashed potato on the side, it will go in right away. I want it, I eat it. Maybe that's why I rarely craving for food. Exercise...it is not hard for me to ONCE I did it. The hardest part of it is getting up to do it, which I have a choice to not get up to do it. There the problem comes up. Well in my family there is a fixed time to eat and I also try the same when I was at work, so I mostly eat at the exact time every day. But exercise, nope. My family members are quite active in general, we have no housekeeper, so we do everything by ourselves, but there are no pushes on doing exercise.

I did Tae Kwon Do for 15 years as a club activity when I was still at school until I graduate with my bachelor's degree. But it stops when I am taking my master's degree and working. I know and admit that I have the best appearance and feel when I am constantly working out. Not only feel good when I saw myself in the mirror but feel fit. I have no problem falling asleep or getting up in the morning, I feel fresh. I am not easily getting sick, I have my number 2 regularly. it feels amazing and less worry. Well, I have to admit when you like what you see in the mirror and your body is fit, you have fewer things to worry about

So...I gained a size or two after the end year's holiday. Some of my clothes that are already XL size feel tight, I got breakout (plus because of the orange sauce that I accidentally eat on my end year lunch with my best friend), got allergic reactions almost every week, I struggle to fall asleep, my bowel movement is irregular, EVENTHOUGH when I already come back to my daily working staple which eats like light breakfast (salad and boiled eggs) and eat at fix time, walking around (well I am working at school so this is given), never missed my veggie or fruit on my dinner.

Then...for this year I have pointed again as the k-pop dance fitness trainer. Nope, I am not a professional trainer, I only have 1 year of experience in ballet in my elementary days, I don't make my own choreography so I just pick one from Youtube and rehearse it. I rehearse it these 2-3 days for 15-30 minutes..and guess what? My bowel is moveeee...yep, I got my regular number 2 again, my acne is getting better faster than before, and it is easier for me to fall asleep. I don't know about my clothes size, I haven't tried anything since.

So yeah, that's when I realize...I have no choice but to exercise. My body required that not to get a better appearance or increase the quality of life, but basically just to function decently. When I think I can manage my healthy body with just balanced eating, my body said "NOPE! You have to exercise...".

If one asked, how you did do 15 years of Tae Kwon Do, but can't do 2 days of 30 min exercise? Hmm, I love martial arts when I did, like Muay Thai, I don't need extra motivation to do it. But again it goes again to money. Martial Art class is expensive in Jakarta. And I did this for a small amount of money, free, or included in my tuition when I am at school and Uni.

Now I need to think about how to have an exercise routine that can fit with my work life and budget. Manage my money to have a Muay Thai class if I want it easy motivation, which is expensive in Jakarta. OR manage me to do exercise with no money, just do what Youtube have, which is harder on the motivation aspect. Since I need to leave the house at 5.30 AM and arrived home at 6 PM every workday. The weekend is indeed the only choice to exercise, and I choose to lazying around. Because Excercise is not a recreational activity for me, it is work...that apparently my body required it. I guess I have to make time and take advantage of the new responsibility of the "k-pop dance fitness instructor". For now.

Ughh...body! why you need exercise just to function well (T T)?

[sleepygamerotaku]

long ass vent i don't now what tws to tag it with so read at your risk

sorry for not posting literally all day i over slept this morning and was late to school. In 5th hour i almost strangled a guy and had a panic attack because of him. i have barely eaten all day and i feel overwhelmed by everything at this point my anxiety has been through the roof lately and I have a shit ton of school work that i don't have finished and i have two F's in my classes (math and geography/social studies who would've thought) i genuinely can't remember the last time i decent night of sleep and i feel tired all day but have so much energy when it's nighttime and i could be using this energy to do my school work bUT IT'S NIGHT TIME RIGHT NOW- it's midnight I can't exactly do my school work now it's dark and i can't have my Chromebook on because it's too late i would get in trouble and there isn't enough light to do my paper assignments without using a light and waking everyone up. i have an assignment due TODAY TECHNICALLY AND I CAN'T WORK ON IT DURING CLASS AND IT WILL BE COUNTED MISSING AFTER 9 PM I PROBABLY WON'T BE ABLE TO FINISH IT IN TIME BECAUSE MY BROTHER NEEDS TO HELP ME WITH IT OR I WON'T EVEN GET ANYTHING DONE-

and if that wasn't stressful enough all of the assignments i try to complete end up being half-assed and don't have any effort and because it isn't good enough i have an existential crisis over it because it isn't exactly how i envisioned it. nothing i ever do is sufficient by anyone's standards and nowhere close to my own. i want to shut myself out from everyone and just wallow in my self pity. i feel undeserving of any and all form of attention and at this point i feel like everything would be better off if i burst into flames and never existed to begin with

i hate myself and everything i do and say and think this world is stupid and i only ever find comfort in characters who aren't real and wouldn't even care about me if they where. it's almost the second semester and i'm probably going have three f's because i'm slowly failing science too

it's not just my school work either. i used to love writing for people i have so many fanfics that aren't anywhere close to being done i haven't been able to complete my drawings in months my mom is constantly wanting me to draw her things but i never get to them and i just never have the energy to do anything anymore

my mod and dad fought so much and now their getting a divorce soon so I'll be stuck with my mom who I don't feel entirely safe with but it wouldn't be any better with my dad because hed been getting physically and verbally violent not only to my mom but me and my brother too. my brother pisses me off and i wish i could run away i'm tired of witnessing my familys constent bickering i haven't spoke with my dad in months either and i'm scared he's just going to suddenly show up again

i've been struggling to be active and i feel like i'm only gaining weight that i'm trying to lose. i don't want to eat anymore and at this point my stretch marks are mocking me. my thighs are fat and ugly and my chest is too big. my cheeks are too chubby my freckles look stupid and i'm sick of seeing nothing but eyebags and acne and ugliness when i look in the mirror i'm just so tired of everything

i don't want to admit it but i need help with everything but i just can't seem to find the strength to ask for it. it just seems like everything is falling apart all around me and i don't know what to do anymore

[myopinionhi]

A Will Solace Character Analysis: the Underappreciated Soft Side

I've noticed many fanfictions have Will Solace OOC. So I’ve been thinking about aspects of Will’s personality fans seem to either gloss over or exaggerate. Here, this post is me doing an in-depth analysis explaining Will Solace’s canon personality in the books, and how it can sometimes differ from fanfictions. Sprinkled in this analysis are tips to fanfiction writers on how they write Will as more in-character.

There is one major aspect of Will that people seem to ignore or underemphasize. Nico best explains it when describing Will in this quote

Jason was a fighter. You could tell from the intensity of his stare, his constant alertness, the coiled-up energy in his frame. Will Solace was more like a lanky cat stretched out in sunshine. His movements were relaxed and nonthreatening, his gaze soft and far away. In his faded SURF BARBADOS T-shirt, his cutoff shorts and flip-flops, he looked about as aggressive as a demigod could get, but Nico knew he was brave under fire. During the Battle of Manhattan, Nico had seen him in action - the camp's best combat medic, risking his life to save wounded campers.

To sum it up, Will Solace is a very chill and calm character. A lot of writers make Will more irrational, impulsive, overbearing, and emotional than he actually is. Will is not the type of character to create drama unless he's, as Nico puts it, "under fire." In other words, the intense side of his personality doesn't come out unless the situation is urgent or dire.

Fans remember during the Second Giant War how he gets angry and argues with Nico over Nico's health and shadow-traveling, so many assume Will is going to be this fiery over a lot of other things regarding their relationship. For example, fanfic writers may make Will controlling or overly sensitive with Nico. However, keep in mind, Will gets heated with Nico during the Second Giant War because Nico's shadow-traveling is killing him. This is how Will describes Nico's dire state.

"Coach Hedge told me all about your shadow-travel. You can’t try that again."

"I just did try it again, Solace. I’m fine."

"No, you’re not. I’m a healer. I could feel the darkness in your hand as soon as I touched it. Even if you made it to that tent, you’d be in no shape to fight. But you wouldn’t make it. One more slip, and you won’t come back. You are not shadow-travelling. Doctor’s orders."

Will is a healer. When he touches Nico's hand, he can sense how little sleep and food Nico has been getting and how Nico's being taken over by darkness. Nico is on the verge of death and hasn't cared about his health for a long time. Nico is also stubborn about it, so Will has to be aggressive in order to save Nico's life. This aggressive behavior is not the norm for Will, but it can sometimes come out when he has to assert control in a life-or-death situation.

Will is a calming prescence. He's a diplomat. He stops violence on multiple occassions.

He's one of the few people who's able to calm Clarisse's violent rage, and he does so in a gentle manner.

Clarisse pointed her dagger at Rachel. "What about their allies, huh? Did you see that tribe of two-headed men that arrived yesterday? Or the glowing red dog-headed guys with the big poleaxes? They look pretty barbaric to me. It would’ve been nice if you’d foreseen any of that, if your Oracle power didn’t break down when we needed it most!"

Rachel’s face turned as red as her hair. "That’s hardly my fault. Something is wrong with Apollo’s gifts of prophecy. If I knew how to fix it –"

"She’s right." Will Solace, head counsellor for the Apollo cabin, put his hand gently on Clarisse’s wrist. Not many campers could’ve done that without getting stabbed, but Will had a way of defusing people’s anger. He got her to lower her dagger. "Everyone in our cabin has been affected. It’s not just Rachel."

One of the most underrated Will Solace moments is when he stops a bloody battle from happening between Camp Half-Blood and Camp Jupiter.  

But he knew it wouldn’t do any good. After weeks of waiting, agonizing and steaming, the Greeks and Romans wanted blood. Trying to stop the battle now would be like trying to push back a flood after the dam broke.

Will Solace saved the day.

He put his fingers in his mouth and did a taxicab whistle even more horrible than the last. Several Greeks dropped their swords. A ripple went through the Roman line like the entire First Cohort was shuddering.

"DON’T BE STUPID!" Will yelled. "LOOK!"

People are so used to seeing demigods, especially male demigods, being aggressive fighters that they can't wrap their heads around a brave and strong demigod who actively tries to avoid unnecessary conflict and destruction as much as he can.

And that's Will Solace's strength: he has the ability to prevent as much harm as possible.

Will is a difficult character to write. There's a lot of dueling factors with his personality. He's calm and pacifying while also being brave and assertive. He's fun and lighthearted while also being intelligent, logical, and grounded. He's laidback while also being responsible and hardworking. He's insecure but not melodramatic. He's very caring and protective but not pushy.

Will's personality confuses Nico sometimes too.

He’d always thought of Will as easygoing and laid back. Apparently he could also be stubborn and aggravating.

The trick to writing Will is to keep in mind his default personality is a soft and lighthearted character. Writers tend to overemphasize the hard side of his personality when his default personality is actually the soft side.

Think of the relaxing, lanky cat metaphor Nico uses for him. He and Nico bicker often, and it works for Will because he rolls with everything and doesn't take things too seriously. He's able to alleviate Nico's moodiness with humor, wittiness, groundedness, and patience. Nico affectionately calls Will a "dork" because Will usually keeps things light. Interestingly enough, he's able to be lighthearted without coming across as insensitive or an airheaded goofball, the latter of which is something Nico dislikes about Percy's personality. On a related sidenote, another way writers make Will OOC is they make him too dumb or too immature. I know I mentioned to focus on Will's soft side, but be careful to avoid that too. He's a SENSIBLE, lanky cat.

The way Will keeps his composure during a stressful situation by using laughter while still being mature is expressed well in this exchange with Apollo. (Yes, Will has a lot to manage.)

It was difficult to think of this young man as my son. He was so poised, so unassuming, so free of acne. He also didn’t appear to be awestruck in my presence. In fact, the corner of his mouth had started twitching.

“Are—are you amused?” I demanded.

Will shrugged. “Well, it’s either find this funny or freak out. My dad, the god Apollo, is a fifteen-year-old—”

“Sixteen,” I corrected. “Let’s go with sixteen.”

“A sixteen-year-old mortal, lying in a cot in my cabin, and with all my healing arts—which I got from you—I still can’t figure out how to fix you.”

“There is no fixing this,” I said miserably. “I am cast out of Olympus. My fate is tied to a girl named Meg. It could not be worse!”

Will laughed, which I thought took a great deal of gall. “Meg seems cool. She’s already poked Connor Stoll in the eyes and kicked Sherman Yang in the crotch.”

The fiercer side of Will's personality comes out only when the situation calls for it; this happens sometimes when he has to be a caring family member, a responsible healer, or a warrior in a dire situation. Even when he gets more forceful, he doesn't get more forceful than he has to.

Since Will has such a balanced and lighthearted personality, what are his flaws? What are the dark sides of his personality? There are four main things that stick out.

1. He's insecure about his self-perceived lack of abilities.

"I agree," Will said. "I wish I was a better archer … I wouldn’t mind shooting my Roman relative off his high horse. Actually, I wish I could use any of my father’s gifts to stop this war." He looked down at his own hands with distaste. "Unfortunately, I’m just a healer."

2. He sometimes struggles to endure the heavy responsibilities he has as a healer and as a protector to his family.

“I got it reattached,” Will told me, his voice shaky with exhaustion. His scrubs were speckled with blood. “I need somebody to keep him stable.”

I pointed to the woods. “But—”

“I know!” Will snapped. “Don’t you think I want to be out there searching too? We’re shorthanded for healers. There’s some salve and nectar in that pack. Go!”

I was stunned by his tone. I realized he was just as concerned about Kayla and Austin as I was. The only difference: Will knew his duty. He had to heal the injured first. And he needed my help.

3. He forces himself to bottle his emotions to keep his composure.

Will laughed under his breath. “I’m terrified. But one thing you learn as head counselor: you have to keep it together for everyone else. Let’s get you on your feet."

Here's a second example.

I rested my hand on Will’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll be back by dawn.”

His mouth trembled ever so slightly. “How can you be sure?”

4. He constantly worries about his loved ones.

Nico rested his hand on Will’s shoulder. “Apollo, we were worried. Will was especially.”

In conclusion, Will Solace's personality is difficult to get correct. But don't worry, if you write Will as a laidback, witty cat in your fanfics, I guarantee he'll be more in-character than many other fanfics with Will Solace.

(Note: I am only human. If you believe I'm misinterpreting some aspects of Will's personality, feel free to express it. What I say isn't 100 percent the right interpretation.)

[losingitinjersey]

Ever spend the last 12 days intending to blog every day and then never finding the time to do so?  Yup, that’s where I’ve been at.  Straight up in survival mode over here.  

My MIL left on Monday and while my days since have been spent constantly putting out fires managing two crying children (often at the same time), I’m oh so flipping happy to be on my own again :) I understand that it’s important for family to come and visit and get to know their grandchildren. While I’m happy we all had that time together I’m glad to now have the time to figure out life as a family of four without an extra person in the house.  

Kevin started a new rotation that has him gone six days a week from 4 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. (or later) so all he has time to do is come home and sleep.  Poor guy :( I went from having both him and either my mom or MIL home all the time to now doing everything alone.  It’s a lot but I’m surviving!  

Here’s a rundown of some of the highlights from the last 12 days. 

Aug passed her hearing test!  Woooo!

Thanks to the MIL here, Kevin and I were able to go (BY OURSELVES) out to dinner, out to brunch, on several walks, and two grocery shopping dates!  Such a dreeaaammm!

My MIL strongly dislikes/is scared of my cat, Saki.  As such, on one of the days I was gone at appointments with Aug for six hours she didn’t let him downstairs.  Due to this he pooped in my bedroom on the carpet :(  To my MIL’s credit, she thought he had a litterbox upstairs, but no.  That’s why I’m always letting him down and opening up the bathroom with the litterbox in it for him all the time.  Pay attention, woman. 

While we’re on the MIL rant, I’ll keep going with two more stories. 

I’ve put Erp to sleep every night of her life except for when I was at the hospital delivering Aug.  We have a bedtime routine that I look forward to every day and one that I find to be an intimate experience that only we share.  One night that I’m putting her down, I come out to find the kitchen and dining room still a mess with Kevin and his mom sitting on the couch (she has Aug in her arms so she gets a pass).  But I’m frustrated and start to clean.  At one point I look up to ask if MIL can turn on the monitor (that I know was turned off before I went in to start bedtime) and I see she’s looking at it watching Erp.  I ask her if that means she watched us while we were in there.  She replied that she had.  I reply, “Great.” Drop what I’m washing in the sink and run upstairs slamming the door shut behind me.  I go to pump and cool off.  I come downstairs 40 minutes later to tell her I overreacted but also that I felt she had invaded our privacy.  She tells me, through tears, that it reminded her of her time with Kevin when he was a baby.  I get it, but still.  Kevin said had he known she was watching he would have told her to stop since I made it VERY clear to him early on in Erp’s life that I don’t like being watched on the monitor when I’m in there with her.  I guess I should have told her about my preference in advance but I never thought I’d need to spell it out like that.  

For the last week she was here, she had Chicago Med on the TV constantly, at relatively loud volume.  Please note that we never ever ever have the TV on at our house unless we’re actively watching something, and if that happens it’s 99% of the time just me watching and I do it for an hour at night when everyone is asleep.  If we need background noise, music is playing.  She would just sit on the couch and watch her show talking about gunshots, premature birth, and whatever kind of medical drama while my kids are running around.  I’m sorry, but I thought you were here to connect with your grandkids?  So while she sat on the couch, I would engage and play with Erp for hours.  Cool cool cool.  

Please note that despite all this she’s a lovely woman and a great grandmother and mother and MIL.  I came into her visit already dreading more company, and I’m sure I’m still surging with hormones from the pregnancy (right? or am I just this way always now?).  All this to say that I was not begging her to stay and getting used to taking care of both kids on my own wasn’t that hard since I’d basically been doing it during her entire visit. 

Okay, let’s take a breather and talk about other things. 

Do you remember the 21st night of September? I DO because my 6 week old slept 12 straight hours! GLORIOUS. 

After finishing listening to Billy Summers (loved it!) I decided to undertake Stephen King’s hefty novel, The Stand.  I’d been scared to attempt it ever since I read 100 pages of it in 9th grade before deciding to pick it up again later.  I guess 23 years later did the trick because I’m thoroughly enjoying it!  I’ve learned that audiobooks are the only way I can get through any material lately.  It makes me want to go out on walks and take drives so I can listen to MoAr!  I’m already 10 hours into the 48 hour novel.  Although, I gotta say, it certainly feels strange to read about a deadly pandemic (written in 1978) during this current pandemic.  

After two months since I initially contacted the nearby school/daycare, I finally followed up to get Erp on a waitlist.  There are six kids ahead of her.   We took a tour on Friday and I want her to get in so so badly, hopefully before we move in June!  It would be such a great place for her to socialize and learn!

If any of the above isn’t telling, my hormones are all over the place. I know this because my face has decided to rage in all the redness and acne. So fun! 

Thanks to getting my house back, I’ve been able to establish a routine for us which includes going on stroller walks every day with the girls!  We’ve already made it over 37 miles this month!  Loving the outside time and knowing I’m working hard at my weight loss efforts.  

Despite being on maternity leave, this past Friday I was invited to participate in an EA (virtual) offsite with my team at work!  It was great to be able to see everyone again!  At the end we participated in a cooking class where they mailed me a box of all the ingredients to cook a NY Strip Steak and Corn Succotash! Deeeelicious! 

Given Erp’s increasing interest and ability at walking, I attempted a walk with her the other day, sans stroller!  I wore Aug in a wrap on my chest and held Erp’s hand as we walked around the neighborhood. We walked a good 1/4 of a mile!  Everything was fine until we made it back to our walkway and she refused to climb up the step to head back inside.  Like, laid flat on the ground refusal.  Since Aug was on me I couldn’t really just grab Erp and muscle her back inside.  She wouldn’t listen to any request of mine to go inside so we had a power struggle of what felt like 15 minutes but I’m sure was closer to 5.  She would try to crawl around my feet (into the bushes even to get around me), and any time I tried to lift her up she’d pull herself to the ground crying.  Eventually I tucked Aug’s flopping head into the fabric of the wrap so I could lean down and grab my tantruming child and carry her inside.  I want to be able to keep up with these excursions but not sure how to do so if she continues to rebel like this.  Like, if she did this farther from home we’d be up a creek.  Hopefully she’ll improve in time? 

OKAY! Hopefully we can now get back to our regularly scheduled blogging so a massive update like this won’t be necessary again :)  Thanks for taking time out of your day to catch up with me!

[teddy-feathers]

i think my problem is. im always going to like some feminine things. like i saw a sweater vest today that was black with skulls. its for girls. i liked it and if it were much much bigger id wear it.

and its not just. one off items. as much as i do enjoy dressing like a 90s dude i like colorful shirts and heavy sweaters and things. i like my hair long though i think im getting to the cut it all off again stage.

because like

i want to be perceived as a man. and im not on t so like. that not going to happen.

i get that.

but its worse when i just. look at myself and doubt. like not if this is what i want but that ill ever look at myself and see a man.

im not going to give up liking stuff just to fit in a box i dont want to be in in the first place. ive never wanted to be a hyper masculine man or liked much that was stereotypically mens things.

but at the same time its hard not to think "then what can i point to and say im a guy? there theres the proof"

like im constantly looking for the proof that i am even though this is what i want, what ive always wanted. but like. thats not good enough.

i can look back and say "here are anecdotes that were signs" but i cant say. i always knew.

i can say this is what i want but i cant say that the whole package is something im ready for or even sure i want. like. you get very hairy and sweaty. and my hygiene regiment probably isnt up to the task of keeping up with it. like ive already got acne how much worse will i get it? and like my voice will change which would be awesome but also what if i hate it? theres no going back on that one. and like top surgery would be wonderful but its a painful experience to heal from and you might have to go through it twice. bottom surgery is like. sure if i could just magically have a dick thatd be convenient but actually going through surgery seems like. a hassle.

and like i could go on. but even if i said yeah sure im ready lets do this lets get on t and change and never be mistaken for a girl again because ill look just like my dad because i already do... like. then theres the social aspect of it.

id at some point have to tell my family which. i dont have the answers theyd want. i cant expalin to them why id want to be a guy especially when i dont fit into the guy binary perfectly. im not a very masculine person.

but even saying that wasnt a consideration... changing over is.. uh. a trial. it shouldnt be but it is. applying to jobs? working at jobs? just. its a trail when youre obviously transitioning.

ans like. just socially transitioning to friends would be fine enough to me to start. but like. i live with my family and i cant have it getting back to them. so i wait till i move out. baby steps.

but moving out is always a year away. or more.

and like im fine. im always fine. i honestly forget im upset or worried about things after a while but. i keep looking in the mirror and going. i look like a girl with my hair down and not a pretty man. and i know t would fix that but. i cant do t right now.

so i put my hair up and it helps. it really does but. i know if i cut my hair id be sad because short hair and also because id look like a lesbian and not a dude. which would be fine but i dont want to look like a girl. ... on the flip side having short hair is SO much easier to care for.

sorry for rambling i just need to get this off my chest.

[preparingfortheworst]

Some more information about my mother. These are copied from my old posts on another website:

There are extremely basic elements of hygiene which I was never taught. This significantly affected my life growing up. Some include:

I grew up not knowing that underwear is meant to be changed daily.  I grew up changing them monthly, or every other month.  I thought this was normal.

For years, I recieved a bath 3 or 4 times a year. I was never taught how often a normal person bathes.

When I was 9, I began having near-constant, reoccuring genital infections and UTIs, which were never treated.  I assumed that what I was going through was normal.  For weeks and months at a time, I would experience constant genital pain.  I remember that everything between my legs was always bright red like a bad sunburn.  Little white pieces of skin would peel off if the skin was touched. 

When I started getting my period at 12, it only got worse. I didn't think what was happening was normal anymore. It was humiliating. I felt constantly overwhelmed with shame because I knew I was disgusting - everyone told me so - but didn't know what I was doing wrong. As an adult, I know the things that were coming out of my body were not normal. I don't even know how to put into words the level of shame I felt.  Because of the smell of the infections, I was bullied at school, and at home, my mother and sister mocked me ruthlessly (not only for this, but especially for my appearance). I got sexually abused at school by three boys at once who were apparently aroused by the smell.  

All of this was especially horrific because I am a person with clinical gender dysphoria (I don’t call myself transgender because I haven’t SUCCESSFULLY transitioned YET.  When I was 14 to 15 I passed well enough as a guy, but was forbidden from wearing boys’ clothing, so I was bullied because people assumed I was going from male to female.  I’d call that a successful attempt, since people assumed I was born male, but got tired of being bullied since I still had to wear female clothing).  The first time I tried to transition, I was 12, right in the middle of all this, though I’d secretly viewed myself as the opposite gender my whole life.  I didn’t know there was anyone else like me, or that what I was doing had a name.  Being in the body I had was a source of overwhelming shame and humiliation, and horror.  My family made it much worse.

Every morning starting at age 12, my mother and sister would wait for me in the hallway of our apartment, blocking the way to the kitchen and bathroom. The second I stepped out of my room every morning, they'd start grabbing me and poking me while pointing out every physical flaw I had, pointing and laughing at me like cartoon characters while making the cruelest remarks they could imagine. I was a disgusting skeleton one day, and a fat cow the next. Just looking at me made them want to puke, they said, while grabbing my hair and pulling at my clothes. They'd grab my hands saying my dirty nails made them sick and mockingly threaten to paint them hot pink. They'd gag because they couldn't bear the fact that they had just touched my disgusting hands. My face had more craters than the fucking moon, they said. Eeugh, look at all that acne, they said while laughing. "Your face looks like Uranus!" my sister said, which immediately caused her and my mother to fall over themselves laughing so hard that they had to lean on each other to keep from falling over.

They'd forcibly pull my arms up to inspect my armpits, then gag and dry heave while laughing hysterically because I didn’t shave.  They'd say my boobs were tiny and so disturbingly pointy that I looked like an alien.  They'd go on and on about how disgusting my hair was - that was their favorite thing to mock.  I had grown it out because I was a nu-metal kid and it was the first time in my life I’d had any control over the length of my hair.  

“Eeugh, what is that? Oh, that's your hair?! It's so long, I thought it was a dead animal hanging from your head!" "Your hair's so greasy it looks like you swam in oil!" "Your hair looks like garbage! It makes you look like trash! Oh well, that goes perfectly!" "You cover your face with your hair, but it can't hide all your acne! That's why you wear it like that, isn't it? It only makes you look more disgusting!" They'd pull my hair back out of my face then recoil, gagging and shaking, leaving my hair tangled and knotted from their rough handling. "Why don't you cover that disgusting face with some makeup?" "You need a spray tan!" "What is that thing?! Oh yeah, it's you!" They mocked me for not dressing femininely enough - "What, is that a man?" "Ooh, you're a lesbian!" and again, "You look like trash!" "What are you wearing, garbage?" "Your shoes are so dirty! You're wearing old lady shoes!"

Never mind the fact that these shoes were given to me by HER PARENTS a year prior, because she couldn’t afford shoes for me - before those I had worn the same pair of shoes for 3 years until the soles were only attached to the shoes by the heel.  The whole shoe bottoms would fall open exposing my feet every time I took a step.  I wore them like that for a year.  Gee mom, maybe the “new” ones are “old lady shoes” because her 70 year old mother who called us ”filthy rats/pigs/dogs” had to clothe me. Having to accept help from someone who looks down on you and literally sees you as subhuman is a very defeating experience.

They hated the necklace a friend from my old school had made for me before we moved. It was a silver-colored bullet shell that he had tied to a string. I wore it every day, to remind me that there was someone in the world who thought I had value as a human being.  My mother and sister pounced on that like vultures. They'd grab it and pull it away from my neck while saying with disgust, "Why are you wearing trash?" I'd beg them to let go of it, hoping that they wouldn't try to break it by pulling it off me. They'd insult my friend and say horrible insults about him, saying that he didn't really care about me and that if he did, he should have bought me something expensive. They said the second he gave me the necklace, I should have thrown it in the trash and demanded that he give me something fancy. That made me feel guilty, that they felt the need not only to insult me, but to insult one of the few friends I had ever had. That they would try to destroy the only connection I had to the memory of someone who cared.  I felt like in some way, the necklace protected me. I started hiding it under my shirt in the morning to hide it from my mother and sister.

And, of course, my mother and sister would mock me for the very obvious smell of the genital infections.  That should be no surprise. My mother, who had never taught me something as simple as how to change my underwear, and who was letting my little brothers' teeth rot completely out of their skulls, turning to black and gray mush before she even noticed (THANK GOD THEY SAID THEY HADN'T BEEN IN PAIN when I asked them privately), thought she had any fucking right to constantly degrade the child she failed to teach the most basic of hygiene concepts.

I was horrified when I saw their mouths, so horribly rotted that their teeth had turned to soft gray mush and black liquid was oozing from their gums. They just smiled and laughed at me as if it was funny that I was so shocked. I don't know how it's possible that that wouldn't hurt. It must be a fucking miracle. They each had about 16 teeth removed and replaced with fake silver-colored teeth at the age of 4.

Every morning when my mom and sister were doing their routine they loved so much of tormenting me, they would block that hallway so that I couldn't get away from them and just go on and on until they were satisfied with what they had done. I would have no choice but to stand there silently and take it all. I'd only ever beg them to stop when they started grabbing at my bullet shell necklace.  One of the things they loved to say when my face or body language showed any emotional reaction - sadness, fear, anger - or if tried and failed to slide past them to escape to the bathroom or kitchen, was to accuse me of being on my period. Obviously, that was hurtful for mutliple reasons (and if anyone is curious, they were wrong the vast majority of the time).

They would do this exact same fucking thing every NIGHT, TOO! All the same, all over again, every evening when I stepped out of my room to get dinner.  My family has never eaten meals together (which I actually don’t mind), so that means I could not even slip 10 feet away into the kitchen to grab some pasta from the pot and run back to my room, without them cornering me.

My mother would also take additional opportunities to cut me down even farther, whenever she could get me alone - often in the car.

On one of the most memorable occasions, she had unexpectedly showed up after school to pick me up. Normally, I walked home. After a long day of being bullied at school, I was surprised to see her car there, and felt hopeful and grateful for what I assumed would be a peaceful ride home. As soon as I got in the car, I thanked her for being so kind.

As soon as she started pulling away, she started a very angry rant about how horrible I was and how disgusting I was. I sat there stunned and in silence, and felt so disappointed and dejected. She started criticizing the way I sat, telling me in a rage how disgusting my hair was, and how horribly I was dressed. How everyone around me thinks I'm disgusting. How every adult notices how disgusting I am and talks about me behind my back. How I'm not a normal person.

Several minutes into her rant, she tells me that I am such an embarrassment to the family that no one in my family likes me, because they are all so humiliated by me that they couldn't stand it.

I said in an even tone (not yelling or in a rude tone), "That's not true, Dad likes me, and my brothers like me. They're not embarrassed by me."

My mother goes silent for a moment, before screaming, "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITCH?"

And then she continues her rant by saying that I'm wrong and they really are embarrassed by me, and that they think all the same things about me that she does.

She says that everyone around us looks down on our entire family because of me, and that she hates me.

And I just sit there in silence, staring out the window, feeling dead. She continues her rant until we get home. I knew she was full of shit - my dad and little brothers didn't think any of that crap about me.  My dad was barely ever even awake at home after his brain injury.  It made me feel so dead inside to know she would try and twist my mind that way.

And this shit, all this shit felt like nothing in comparison to what was happening at school. Which, by the way, my mother said I deserved.  I would not even learn how often normal people bathe until my freshman year of high school when I overheard a conversation my classmates were having.  I’d had to work really hard from the ages of 11 to 14 to shower once every 1 or 2 months.  There was even some time in 8th grade where I could force myself with extreme effort to shower once a week.  I have sensory problems that make using soaps very unpleasant and showering had become filled with shame because it reminded me of how my body was dirty and disgusting.  My mom and sister made fun of me because my skin was still covered in dirt.  I didn’t understand what was abnormal about my skin until I was 16.  I was SHOCKED at 14 when I learned that most people shower every day or every other day.  It was a similar feeling when I learned that underwear is supposed to be changed daily, also at age 14.  But I still have never been able to achieve a normal level of hygiene.  My sister has told me that our parents never taught her any hygiene concepts, either.  She picked it all up on her own, while I was too literally brain-damaged to be capable of that.

When my Panic Disorder was “the most severe case that psych ward staff had EVER seen”, and my Social Anxiety was described as extremely severe, Mom would beg me to go places with her.  “Oh I guess if you don’t go to pizza ranch it means you don’t love our family,” “I cAnT gO tO mEnArDs AlOnE bEcAuSe ThErE’s MeN tHeRe!” “Please come shop with me I get so lonely and nobody loves me enough to go.”  And claim that everyone hated her and if I didn’t go it would prove that no one loved her.

Then I’d go unwillingly and she’d spend the whole time criticizing the way I walked, “walk like a normal human being!”, talked, “speak up or just don’t bother to say anything at all”, and looked “I can’t believe you let your hair get like that, you look disgusting”. I would get panic attacks from being in public places but would try my best to hide them from her. It never worked. The shaking and convulsions especially were something I didn’t know how to hide. Then she’d get really angry.

“Stop doing that, everyone’s looking at you! Everyone’s staring at you! Stand up straight, you look like a crazy person! Everyone thinks you’re insane, do you want that? What do you think those women over there think of you? Act like a normal human being! You belong in a mental hospital, do you want that? Then stop! And you look disgusting, too! Do you care at all what people think when they see how greasy your hair is? Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for me when people see you like this? They all think you’re disgusting, they know you’re crazy! Stop shaking!...” and on and on, you get the idea.

There were many times where I had to go into a public bathroom to get away from her, or because I couldn’t control my symptoms anymore and I knew that would make her even angrier if she saw how bad they really were, or because my attacks often caused vomiting. She’d impatiently wait outside the bathrooms and when I walked out ten minutes later, she’d make some snide remark about making her wait so long, and then everything would start again because I’d still be having the panic attack. Then of course when we got in the car she would berate me for “faking” and continue all the same talking points as before. One particular time, after guilting me into going to pizza ranch with her and my brothers on a crowded discount night where the restaraunt was packed, I couldn’t handle it and I had to go into a stall in the bathroom. As soon as we sat down I had whispered to her asking if I could go wait in the car while they ate, of course she said no. By the time I reached the door to the bathrooms my mouth was already full of vomit. I continued to throw up once inside. When it stopped I still felt sick, which was abnormal, and my throat kept closing up so that I was gasping for breath, which was actually very normal. I kept feeling like I was going to vomit but would just dry heave. I was violently shaking and had just sat on the floor with my knees pulled up under my chin, crying and silently screaming / whisper screaming over and over again. I was much more terrified than usual. I couldn’t see properly and my heart was racing, etc etc typical symptoms for me. I felt so ashamed.

After about fifteen minutes, my mother comes in and starts yelling and demanding that I go back to the table and eat, saying that I am an embarrassment and belong in a mental hospital, how dare I be so disobedient, and how despite the restroom being empty everyone in the restaraunt knew I was insane, that no one else has kids like me, that I’m not a normal human being and I’m disgusting and “this is the last straw”. All I can say in response, every few minutes, is a shaky, tearful “Please, stop,” which she ignores. She continues yelling at the top of her lungs while I’m curled up in a stall with my back to the wall and knees under my chin still violently shaking and now struggling to breathe at all. I manage to ask near the end of her rant, “Could i please go to the car, then you won’t have to worry about it,” and she says that “No, I’m going to wait for you to return to the table and act like a normal human being!” before continuing her rant for another few minutes.

After about fifteen minutes she storms out and slams the door to the restroom, and I immediately scramble to crawl across the floor to the toilet to vomit and dry heave again. The shaking is so bad I can barely keep myself steady enough to do it. Then it’s back to sitting in a ball on the floor again, I think I may have tried to hide between the wall and the toilet so my mother wouldn’t be able to see my feet if she came back in, but ended up sitting like I had before. The panic attack continued for the next twenty or thirty minutes until she walked in again and angrily said it was time to go before immediately storming out again.

My legs were weak when I walked out of the stall and then I saw myself in the bathroom mirror - my hair and face were a mess. I had torn out fistfuls of my hair during the panic attack. I walked out of the building hoping not to be noticed. I was still shaking by the time I got to the car and my little brothers asked what was wrong, I started to say “I’m fine I just had a panic attack,” to assure them nothing was wrong, when my mother interrupted and angrily said something like, “Your sister apparently can’t handle going to god damn restaraunt!” I was still shaking the whole way home and when we got there I immediately went to sleep to forget this had happened. She’d still beg me to go places constantly, then berate me the whole time, just like usual.

That’s some more information about how my mother treated me. I think this horrific bullying behavior from her and my sister is what did the most damage to me. My sister also often joined in with my mother berating me in public for having severe Panic Disorder, and she would do all of the same things.

[snowgloberoundandround]

This trend of telling people to “wear a d*mn mask” or calling people selfish for choosing not wearing a mask in public needs to stop. It is a callously cruel thing to say, and extremely damaging to hear every single day. People have their reasons for not wearing a mask, just as much as you have your reasons for wearing yours.

Here are just a few reasons people don’t wear a mask:

Assorted medical reasons - most places are making exceptions for medical reasons in the fine print, but most medical reasons a stranger on the street won’t be able to see, they’ll just see the lack of a mask. People with legitimate medical exceptions are harassed every day by people, both strangers and employees, who assume they are just being apathetic and flippant. They are berated by social media’s inflammatory hashtags and posts that demand you wear a mask. It’s not okay to assume why someone is not wearing a mask, it’s not okay to judge someone for not wearing a mask, and it’s not legal to ask what the medical condition is. You’re not a doctor, you’re not their doctor.

Asthma/respiratory fatigue - for oxygenation we measure what is called your Sp02 levels. A normal, resting level should be in the 98-100 range. Under anesthesia if it gets in the low 90’s we’re mildly concerned and trying to restore it, we never want to see it in the 80’s. Some studies with the masks have shown Sp02 levels in healthy, fit individuals wearing masks while walking briskly for several minutes dropping into the 70’s. That’s very, very bad. One of my friends has bad asthma, she wore her mask for a quick 5-minute trip into the store yesterday. It took her TWO HOURS to recover. If you have a pre-existing respiratory condition, wearing a mask can be extremely harmful. You shouldn’t have to be told you’re a bad person because someone doesn’t get that you’re just trying to breathe.

Skin conditions - Masks trap moisture close to your face. If you have severe acne, eczema, psoriasis, are prone to infection, etc. having a mask on your face repeatedly for long periods of time can result in bad infections and be a painful irritant. Along with all the other points on this thread, employers also have little care for the health and well-being of their employees in this regard, especially corporate employers, who rather cover their risk of being sued rather than allow their employees to not wear a mask for the sake of their health. There have also been cases of young and healthy individuals getting lung infections from wearing a mask 40+ hours a week. Constantly breathing in moisture and carbon dioxide was not something that the human body was meant to do.

Anxiety/panic attacks - I have anxiety, and most the time I can handle it. But I’ve had anxiety about going to the store by myself LONG before this all started, so if I have the mask on for more than five minutes at the store I start feeling like I can’t breathe well. And my anxiety isn’t anywhere near as bad as some. We’ve had to call 911 for my mom at least half a dozen times in the span of my life, and those are just the really bad panic attacks, not all the little after shocks. Now think about if you’re having an anxiety attack, and had to take your mask off, and it’s not that severe but you’re teetering on the edge, and some rando comes by and says “HEY PUT A MASK ON” or “It’s not doing anything if it’s not on your face.” Imagine how much worse that makes it because you’re already struggling to keep it together and now you’re met with confrontation.

Physical/sexual abuse victims - imagine having to live through someone trying to actually suffocate you, and then you’re told you have to wear a mask at all times. All you feel is that hand over your face, all you feel is the inability to escape, being constricted and restrained. THEN imagine everyone telling you you’re being selfish for not wearing a mask, simply because they don’t know what horrors you’ve been through. Further more, the governor of my state said anxiety is not a good enough excuse not to wear a mask, so you’re branded a criminal for not wanting to relive the worst moment of your life in memory.

PTSD - this is basically the same principle as the two afore mentioned, as PTSD comes in many shapes and sizes. However it bears stating the lasting emotional trauma masks will have on many children in schools. For a nervous little third grader, telling her for eight hours a day she can’t sit with her friends, can’t play with them on the playground, can’t interact with anyone, has to be screened every day, and in some schools are required to stay in little solitary cubicles... that ABSOLUTELY can give a child PTSD while also inhibiting their development.

Autism - some autistic people have severe texture adversities. For any child having a mask over their face is a difficult thing to tolerate, but especially for an autistic child who can only tolerate a select few materials when it comes to normal clothes. This is a good post that goes into more detail on how the current hostility toward anyone who doesn’t where a mask promotes an ableist outlook

In protest - Because they believe that the deaths and emotional trauma from mask culture is more detrimental than the initial virus, such depression, the medical treatment that was denied and people died from because it was not deemed “essential”, the families that go hungry because of jobs lost, the resulting crime and lawlessness that hurts people, the panic/anxiety and emotional scarring it will have on children in schools, etc. Many people will call it selfish to not wear a mask out of protest, but in reality it is BECAUSE you care about people that you protest by not wearing a mask. If you believe it is doing more harm than good for the population as a whole, the most selfless thing you can do is risk being ridiculed and punished for standing up.

Science and statistics - Many people simply believe that the science doesn’t prove that masks are unequivocally beneficial and that the statistics don’t validate their efficacy. The ideology has become “the masks are better than nothing” but as the above points listed have countered, sometimes a mask is WORSE than nothing. Furthermore, instituting mandatory masks on the basis of it may or may not help is extremely poor leadership. You don’t collapse a society, cause lasting economic and emotional crisis for something you don’t know for certain if it will work. You don’t create laws on a maybe. That is a detrimental way of thinking because it is destroying our society, producing casualties of all kinds, for something you don’t even know if it really helps. People have lost their lives, their food, their jobs, their businesses they built from the ground up because of the astronomical fines and closures if they do not enforce masks that may or may not be effective. Masks are not necessarily a “temporary inconvenience”, there are lasting effects. Most people who don’t wear masks, don’t do so because they are short-sighted and selfish, but they do so because they believe it is in the best interest of everyone to make masks optional, because of their great care for others and how it impacts everyone involved.

But the bottom line is this:

The simple reason that I believe it’s better for my health not to wear a mask is reason enough to not have to wear one. I have the right to decide what is best for my health and act accordingly, and I should not be attacked for that.

[bewitchingivy]

hiii i'm here for your recent game :)

my initials are l.p or you can call me layla and my favorite emoji is this 🦆

❥ facts about your fs:

they're a very playful individual. they're funny and know how to make others laugh and enjoy the moment. i'm getting that they're black or from african descent. the dress expensively and their white hardworking. they may have acne or acne scars and i'm seeing they have full lips. they have hazel eyes (they're super pretty), medium length hair, and their teeth are kind of crooked. they're very tall (above 6ft) and their jaw is square shaped or slightly boxy.

thank you in advance!

your fs' likes & dislikes game

Welcome, Layla! Thank you for participating <3

This is what I got about your FS' likes & dislikes:

Their likes:

I'm instantly getting that they really, REALLLYYY, love the beach. They really love it, man. They may have grown up living near a beach, they may constantly go there, and they may also like to swim.

This person likes driving around. They may be the type to go on roadtrips and exploring the city—they can definitely do that all on their own, they're satisfied with that as long they're having a good time lmao

To live successfully and abundantly is so important for this person. They really strive to achieve their dreams, and I just wanna point out that these dreams of theirs doesn't only benefit their self, but it benefits other people too.

This person is interested in crime or mysteries? They may like to watch those documentaries or read books in those genres.

They really like contributing to the environment. I cannot stress enough how this feels so important for them. Man, I'm getting earthy vibes from this person.

They really like it whenever they see everyone around them is having a good time. This person may like to throw some small parties with friends and just offer a good time to laugh and let loose for once in a while.

This person is such an animal lover. I get the thought that; “if I could, I would give every animals living in the street a home in a heartbeat.”

They also love to cook food. Eating healthy food is very important to them, just as their health is important to them too.

They love things that makes them think a lot. I GUESS WHY THAT EXPLAINS THE INTEREST IN MYSTERIES AND CRIME AND STUFF. They really like to solve complicated things and ponder about them a lot.

This person respects other's opinions and beliefs, therefore they really appreciate someone who does so to them as well. I get the feeling that their opinions and beliefs weren't respected by some old people in their life, maybe some family members of theirs.

Their dislikes:

they dislike people who are just so negative LMFAO not only those who are negative, but people who are bitter and would do anything to rain on someone's parade HAHA

They don't like it when something is moving too fast than their own liking; e.g a relationship or changes in their life. It somehow overwhelms them.

They don't like wasting their time on things that doesn't interest them. In school, they may don't like learning those things that feels irrelevant to them. They'd rather learn everything they could of the topic that interests them.

It pisses them off that some people are irresponsible to the environment.

I don't know about you, but I have a feeling that they don't like being in social medias. They may have some accounts, but they only use it to follow other pages for information or something and they barely post anything about them LOL

This person somehow dislikes rainy days. I mean, it's not that of a big deal. But it just dampens their mood slightly when it rains. Because I've had a feeling earlier they really like being outside, therefore these weathers stop them from that.

They despise fighting or being in an argument with someone. They're really such a peace maker. When they find their self in a fight, they'd leave without saying another word.

They HATE coffee.

They dislike being tired and would hate themselves for it. They would really push their self to go and do something, even if it means they need to take a rest first. So you better tell them that 😶

They don't like when they're being pushed to do something that they don't want to do—but because they don't wanna let anyone down, they end up doing it without complain.

Hope that resonates! Take care of yourself and stay beautiful 🖤

My feedback: yoo, I'm literally scared of your reading, in a good way though, HAHA because it resonates so much. You're not the only one saying they have hazel eyes (very pretty indeed) and they're freakishly tall, also the fact that they're a fun person lol. I've been getting readings that they may be black or from african descent too!! truth is—i just knew someone who fits with all the description you said—and yeah, very pretty asf 😩. And now, I. Am. Scared. LMFAO Thank you very much for your time and energy! 🖤

[comehomeducklings]

Past [Part 3] (Obsession)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Tom Riddle's Moodboard

Main Character's Moodboard

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

1940 - 3rd year

There’s no chance of getting out of this. Our mentor must be out of their mind. No smooth sailing this period, not for me. Nothing at all has prepared me for this point in time.

My heartbeat rises by the second. At the brink of jumping out of my chest. I constantly try to reassure myself as I prepare. Forcing the illusion that I have everything together.

I most definitely don’t have anything, not a crumb, together.

My hands sweat with anticipation, my wand almost slipping off multiple times. The magical stick even wants to run away from this situation. I’ll start running with it soon enough.

The whole room is quiet in expectation. The tension levels in this area are too high for me to even start to comprehend. All I can hear is the sounds of my breathing and the occasional ruffle of robes. The high regard these people hold for me isn’t doing me any favors. I’m about to ruin any confidence anyone holds in my skills.

My friends are holding their thumbs up for encouragement. It does little to calm my panic, but I appreciate the effort anyway. Other acquaintances from the same house nodded their heads in an attempt to console my emotions.

Before the teacher signals to start, he gives us a bit to come up with a plan. Ten seconds at most. Now, this isn’t something possible to win. Not against him, no. My only goal here is to last as long as I can and don’t mess up.

Act smart, seem like you know more than you do.

He looks as easy-going as ever. This may seem like a walk in the gardens to him. No “threat” whatsoever to make him feel uneasy. I’m quite irritated at the thought of being anything but a challenge. He may be a little right, but that doesn’t help my ego.

Easy, I’m nothing easy.

Riddle might be stronger at this, but that doesn’t mean I'm complete garbage. I can hold my own, I will hold my own.

My breathing patterns change into more of a deep inhale and exhale. Focusing on completely dropping my heart rate and keeping my thoughts intact. Madam Rose, the school nurse, hates seeing me walk in there. Frequent visits from dealing with plants has her hair getting pulled out. I don’t think Miss Rose would be too keen on me passing out from the lack of oxygen.

“Only stick with the one basic spell of force. For both offensive and defensive tactics.”

Riddle’s atmosphere surrounding him is focused, deadly. He hasn’t moved his gaze from my lips. Probably on guard for whenever I cast something. I’m slightly unsteady on my feet from nerves. It’s almost suffocating being under all these watchful eyes.

A snake takes their time to strike. They examine all angles where you may be weak. Testing the vulnerability of your actions and thinking process. A few testing snaps of their mouth can tell them how the fight will go. They are well-balanced and focused, masters of intimidation.

Breathing.

Oxygen informs the snake how much you’re able to hold on for. The more you intake, the tighter it gets. Restricting the amount of oxygen the prey respires. Until they are physically unable to anymore, slowly weakening. The fight they were presenting lessens to almost non-distinguishable. The prey’s struggling to get free, dying down. Then it passes away, openly given to the snake without any more thought. A mere temporary meal in its eyes.

“Begin.”

Our eye contact is steady, neither of us moving an inch. Our mouths are closed shut, wands at the ready. I slightly squint my eyes while I focus. If he’s waiting for me to go first he is out of luck. I’m not budging, we will stay in the same position until next period if we have to.

Riddle also slightly squints his eyes. His hand doesn’t shake even if his wand was out in the air for a long time. The arm he holds out is steady and unmoving. Nothing triggers my attention since his movements are of little importance. I search his eyes for any life, no emotion is found swirling in those charcoal black eyes. Absolutely brilliant and fierce when focused or aggravated. The class starts getting rowdy, finally allowed to talk since Riddle just made the first move.

There’s only one spell I need to remember, that makes it a little easier to think of ways to find my opening. I quickly revert the spell away from me and send it right back. A tennis match is played between that one spell. Tom huffs and sends his enchantment straight towards the ground. It bursts into tiny magical specks of green. During that time I sent a spell his way.

After a while, I start to notice right before he casts a spell he moves his mouth like he inhales to take a breath. I’ve noticed him do it quite often. Since he casts fairly quickly there wasn’t much to go off of. Not much to use to my advantage. When he “inhales” he’s most of the time not actually breathing in air. It’s just a simple movement he does. It might be because of his accent, the way he learned to talk. Quite a small little quirk of the lips.

To start testing out this theory I centered most of my attention on his mouth. Waiting to see if my theory was reliable enough to depend on. He’s starting to gain more offensive attacks on me. Most of my spells undecidedly move more defensive by the minute.

Right before he mutters the words, I send a spell of my own. The magic aiming for his knees. Before he could defend himself from that one I prepared another offensive conjuration to his wand. He forwarded an incantation my way and I hurriedly obviated the sorcery as it was also heading to my stifle joint. Some of the force still slightly makes contact with my left knee. My balance is suddenly thrown off.

As I scramble to catch my footing, Riddle with point accuracy parries my wand attack. Then diverts my knee attack towards my right knee. Since I was focused on stabilizing my posture I didn’t notice the spell approaching my other knee

Forthcoming my inevitable demise.

I end up planting both hands on the ground. My knees falling one after the other from the pressure.

Our audience starts yelling complaints and praise. Calls for a rematch and cheats. My loss was bound to happen, but I did get to do that three combo. Two offensive and one defensive, all in the span of 5 seconds. Not too bad if I say so myself.

“Mr. Riddle wins this duel. Excellent job to the both of you. A very good strategy was well thought out for each side.”

I make my way down the steps on my platform’s side. Immediately being greeted by hugs and pats on the back.

At least my feet didn’t get tied together from restlessness causing me to fall and he wins the duel immediately. I would have dropped out right then and there from embarrassment.

There’s barely any feedback for Riddle, his little posse praising him like a king. People either saw no fault in him or were too frightened to actually comment on it publicly.

For me, that’s another case. Quite a bit of suggestions are offered, keep my form ready and my attention on more than one thing. Any and all advice is welcomed. Who knows how it can help me one day.

Amelia hugs my side with the biggest grin on her face, “You did so well! I think he actually had to work a little for that win.”

Everyone is dismissed and we head our way to Herbology. Tom’s face looks as if he’s already forgotten about the duel. His body language remains tranquil as ever.

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

Bubotuber pus, one of the grossest things I’ve had the misfortune of learning at home. Now I have to live through it again? How can one endure harvesting the essence?

“All of you are required to wear gloves for today’s class. Does anyone know what effects you would have when touching this substance with your bare skin?”

Quite a number of students raise their hands. I’m guessing they did research on why they needed to buy these gloves when handed the school procurement catalog.

Exactly what I did, curiosity might actually kill the cat.

“Yes, you sweet girl,” she picks, “What’s your name?”

“Merlene,” the student answers, “If you touch this without protection then extremely painful boils will appear in its stead.”

“Correct! 5 points to Hufflepuff,” she claps.

My fingers already lay inside the dragon-hide gloves. Its rough texture rubs against the calluses from dealing with the harsh stems of different plants.

This substance is usually processed to be used for acne treatments. Only touched in its weakened state. Oddly satisfying to some, I am not a part of that group of people

“This is disgusting,” I say as I harvest the pus. My gagging reflexes acting up every time the plant gets squeezed.

A few students chuckle at my remark. They seem to be having a good time, weirdly focused on this substance. It smells of petrol, not a big fan of the scent. Reminds me of the sketchy gas stations my parents and I would take on family road trips.

Its thick goo is finally contained in bottles. Relief washes over me from finishing the collecting process. My gloves are removed and I do a quick spell to clean my area. Nothing really fell on it so it didn’t need scrubbing beforehand.

Amelia seems to just be finishing her plant. A lot of goo splashed all over her table. Luckily it doesn’t seem like any of that touched anyone’s face or uncovered arms.

“I’m just about done, can you help with cleaning please?” Amelia starts collecting all of her bottles into her arms. None of the glass vials touched in green gunk.

“Yeah, I got you, turn those in to the professor.” I immediately started helping her out. In that process, I also cleaned other’s messes too. Why not, there is still time to waste until we can all leave. Cleaning products smell better than whatever chemicals intoxicate the air.

“Pop quiz, shout out the answers. Why not use spells instead of treated bubotuber pus for treatments?”

Easy question, I whisper the answer in Amelia’s ear when she comes back from turning in the assignment so she can shout it.

“Using spells proves to be too risky, like the Eloise Midgen incident,” she answers.

Good, she remembers Eloise's event.

“Yeah, she cursed her nose off, poofed from existence,” a girl from Hufflepuff adds.

“Precisely, everyone has permission to leave now,” the professor exclaims, “don’t head out without cleaning or I’ll reduct points. Last time a student got boils all over their hand from an improperly cleaned station.”

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

“It actually went decently. Nothing blew up, surprisingly.”

At lunch, we are all talking about our first three classes. Potions being our first topic.

“Thought as much, I saw your stupid grin. You looked like you just won the wizarding lottery,” I say with my mouth stuffed with food. Hoping they could understand me between my chews.

“Both of you, slow down. The food ain’t going anywhere damn,” Devyn laughs.

Amelia and I pause, we look at each other, then at Devyn, then back to us. After a silent halt in our actions, we continue to shove down a bunch of food.

“I noticed you kept gagging at the pus. You looked queasy, your face was so pale.”

I audibly shiver at the recollection of said class. My eyes were watering so bad there. That stuff would never stop coming.

“I’m eating, stop mentioning that nasty stuff,” Amelia starts shaking her head. If only I could see the thoughts forcefully being shaken out of her head.

“You should have seen her station. That stuff was everywhere. How bad is your aim, the opening to the bottle wasn’t that small?”

“It wasn’t even that!” she drops her fork, “I squeezed that bloody plant too hard and it squirted everywhere!”

“Poor choice of words,” Devyn snickers. All she gets is a shove from me.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, she’s clearly traumatized.”

Devyn shoves me back, “You’re clearly traumatized from the duel. The one you failed at, the one-”

“I’m aware of the duel you’re talking about,” I interrupt, “I bet you wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did.”

“Oh please, you’re just salty about losing.”

I roll my eyes and subconsciously scan the room for him. There he is, mysteriously talking to his group of buddies. After a little bit, he catches onto my staring. He briefly looked around him to see if I was looking at something else. Finally, he comes to the realization it was in fact him I was blessing with my attention.

During this, he was talking to his friend next to him. He stopped his conversation to completely give me his attention. The guy he was just talking to engaged in another conversation quickly.

The moment was interrupted with hands waving in front of my face, “You gonna eat that?”

“Nah I’m full, go ahead.”

Riddle continued on with his food. Never looking my way again.

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

“Hey, uh, Riddle you have a second?”

I stop him by tapping his shoulder a couple of times. His height already makes mountains seem molecular.

He furrowed his eyebrows and glances at the shoulder I just touched. Making it a scene to dust that part off, what an ass.

“No, I really don’t have a second,” he responds.

“Well that, really, sucks for you huh. Can you teach me techniques for dueling?”

“No,” he starts to turn away.

“Please, you will get one favor from me. Whatever you need.”

Tom turns back around, “Anything? Does that favor expire?”

I shake my head no. If he plans to wait a long time he’ll probably forget about it. He seems to be deep in thought for a bit. No rush really since we're on our break. If he agrees I could get ahead of so many competitors.

“Fine, every Friday afternoon starting tomorrow in the Room of Requirement.”

He immediately strides away while I stare back in shock. My brain didn’t expect him to actually accept. Getting this far wasn’t a very possible outcome.

Now I just have to find out where the Room of Requirement is located.

~////////////////𓆙////////////////~

Taglist:

@empath-bunny

@jinxqsu

[springday-aus]

Superpower!AU with Hyungwon

—

Group: Monsta X

Member: Chae Hyungwon

Genre: fluff, romance, small [very minimal] angst

TW: car accident - don’t worry, no one died 

Type: Bulletpoint AU 

Word Count: approx. 2.8k

→ Inspired by the AU Prompt: “I know you can read minds and I really like you so I’m constantly filtering my thoughts—stop making fun of how I think of fighting giraffes, it’s my go-to when I think about you shirtless” 

so Hyungwon has the power of telepathy

how he got it was rather odd

he wasn’t necessarily born with it—it kind of came to him

despite what people might think, it wasn’t radioactivity

it was actually due to an accident

when he was young, there was a minor encounter

basically, there was a car and semi-truck incident

next thing he knew, his parents were in critical condition and he was being rolled into the ER for surgery

when he woke up, he was in his hospital bed and the ventilator was hooked up to him

he heard the voices of the nurses and the doctors, but their mouths weren’t moving

originally he brushed it off since he hasn’t fully recovered and his vision kept going in and out

but once he did recover… he could still hear them

luckily, his parents were okay

and that was how he was able to confirm his new-found power

he was able to hear theirs first and it was…. insane

he was freaked out, his parents were freaked out 

once they calmed down, they tried to figure out what to do—they eventually came to the conclusion to just let it happen

they can’t control that so they might as well figure it out together 

at first, it was uncontrollable, so he heard these voices whether or not he wanted to hear them

it was always loud and his own thoughts were never heard in his own head

oh, the amount of migraines he’d gotten from a young age…

but, don’t worry, he learned to maintain it as he grew up

now, he’s able to listen whenever he looks at someone and concentrate a bit more

he’s got a better control of it, but it also means he has to be careful as to where he looks bc he doesn’t wanna listen in on someone’s private thoughts

he’s always been getting in trouble when he was trying not to get in trouble when it comes to his telepathy

that tends to happen a lot in general though

because you’re hearing a lot of thoughts that you’re not trying to hear

which is why music became a good route of distraction

at first, the monsta x boys made fun of him for not getting airpods, but, after telling them about his telepathy, they understood why he got those big ass headphones

but, we’ll get to them later

anyways

bruh, high school was extra rough on this man

can you imagine hearing all of those thoughts? especially of hormonal teenage boys?

nasty

anyways

I like to think that this is why he sleeps so much

when he first got it, it was very emotionally draining for him and he slept like twelve hours at a time

unfortunately, he got into this habit and now he can doze off if he zones out enough

he slept a lot in high school, considering that he was trying not to hear his teacher’s thoughts and the other students and focus on the lesson and would end up falling asleep on his desk and then getting in trouble with the teachers

again, it’s that whole getting in trouble without meaning to get into trouble

so anyways

his family are the main people who know and god

the amount of family tea he’s gotten from his parents’ thoughts

while he does hate being able to hear all these thoughts without a choice, his favorite is the family gatherings and reunions

homeboy could make a tv novella with all the information he’s got on his family

because his immediate family are the ones who know, whereas his cousin that’s like twice removed doesn’t, but that’s justifiable

also, his parents have to be careful when they’re talking about him or his younger brother tho

(Hyungwon: “dad, am I not your favorite?”

his dad: “I don’t have have favorites”

Hyungwon: “the lies”)

other than his family, his long time friends also know, i.e. the monsta x boys

I’m talking long term because he’s so comfortable with them and Hyungwon was stupid and let it slip

Jooheon: I know we agreed on Chinese but I kind of wanted pizza

Hyungwon: “we can get both if you want”

Jooheon: “get what?”

Hyungwon: wait a second

oh, whenever they play games, Hyungwon uses this telepathy to help him cheat

and Changkyun was suspicious of how Hyungwon, the guy who falls asleep 20 minutes into a movie, had such good gaming tactics

his suspicions were confirmed when Hyungwon told them but they all also lowkey were confused and didn’t believe him, altho it did fill in a few of the gaps

like how Hyungwon gives perfect gifts for people that they can actually use

and how he can easily solve issues before they can even become bigger issues

there were just bits and pieces that came together and he did get to prove it

Kihyun: “what am I thinking about?”

Hyungwon: “I don’t think you would want me to say it in front of our Minhyuk here”

Kihyun: …… “okay, you pass”

but revealing this also means a lot of questions

especially from Minhyuk, who’s bouncing around and is curious as to how it works

and isn’t like always being verbally asked

like, the questions will just pop into their heads and Hyungwon hears it

actually what he hears is

Minhyuk: can he hear animal thoughts?

Minhyuk: do they speak English? or do they speak in that animal sound?

Minhyuk: should I ask him? or am I going to be bothering him?

Minhyuk: okay, try to be casual and slip it in and-

Hyungwon: “I can only hear people’s thoughts, now can we please get on with the meal?”

Minhyuk: oh right he can hear mine

Hyungwon: “YES I CAN HEAR IT PLEASE BE QUIET”

Wonho: …. “what’s going on????”

this is why he favors you compared to the others

you’re curious, but not like super curious like Minhyuk

but it’s also because your thoughts are the most hilarious ones

it’s primarily because you censor a lot of your thoughts with other thoughts and they are….. eccentric

there’s a reason tho

long story short: you like him

you two are basically childhood friends

you met in middle school and woke him up before he could get in trouble and it was all history from there

it wasn’t until around the college years that the feeling hit you like a ton of bricks

and when it did hit, you were lucky Hyungwon wasn’t around to read your thoughts

because……... oof

he went from that kid with acne that you used to spray water at to keep awake

to a handsome young man that makes your heart pound so loudly in your chest

he had told you about these powers of his about a year into college, when he realized you weren’t going to disappear from his life so easily

but also because you were thinking about how the fbi is definitely listening in on your conversations because you got an ad on instagram about those sleeping bags that make it look like you were being eaten by a shark and he HAD to make a comment

Hyungwon: “dude what the fuck”

You: “what?”

Hyungwon: “how bad is your anxiety that you’re worried about the fbi agent in your phone?”

You: …… **narrows eyes** “I didn’t say anything about an fbi agent��

Hyungwon: ah shit, here we go again

anyways

that’s just a small glimpse of what Hyungwon has to hear

your thoughts were hilarious to tune into, to the point where Hyungwon listens in when you’re daydreaming and it’s like his news for the day

and it only got worse (at least for you) because you were constantly censoring your thoughts after your self-discovery of your feelings for him

you two were studying in the library one time for finals and he got real close to get a good look at the textbook to see where you were

and you couldn’t stop thinking about how close he was

but when he looked at you

you immediately switched your thoughts to think about that time Wonho choked on his ramen noodles

Hyungwon: “why are you thinking about Wonho choking?”

You: “because it’s funny?”

Hyungwon: …… “fair point”

and so now, you have something to turn to each time an incident happens

whenever he says something that makes your heart flutter, you think about Ted Bundy’s yellow buggy

whenever he makes you unconsciously jealous, you think about fat cats sitting on glass tables

you have something for everything

and Hyungwon has no idea because you’ve gotten so fucking good at hiding it

until one day, you were out with the boys, trying out this new restaurant that opened beside the river

Jooheon talks about how nice it would be nice to go to the beach sometime

Shownu tries to start plans and says y’all could plan a barbeque and make a whole trip out of it

but then Kihyun whines, saying he’s not ready because he hasn’t gone to the gym in a month

Wonho: “you haven’t gone to the gym period”

Kihyun: “better than me living there like you do”

Wonho: “and who’s the one with the abs?”

Kihyun: “son of a bitch”

that got you thinking

Hyungwon? on the beach? that means he’s just gonna chill on the side

but that also means….. a shirtless Hyungwon

Shownu: “what do you think (y/n)?”

You: “nothing, absolutely nothing”

Hyungwon looks over at you with a knowing look in his eyes

You: “what?”

Hyungwon: ………….. “why are you thinking about fighting giraffes?”

Minhyuk: “.... is that really what (y/n)’s thinking?”

Changkyun: “dude”

You: “sorry for thinking about the zoo?”

Hyungwon: “we were talking about the beach, why were you thinking about the zoo?”

You: god, I wanna die

Hyungwon: “well, are you going to die before or after the beach trip?”

Shownu: “we need to keep track of the body count, (y/n), this is important” 

sometimes you also wonder why you like him when these moments occur

but then he gives you that smile and you think to yourself

it do be like that 

and because you all are trying to plan out the beach trip, you couldn’t stop thinking about…. shirtless Hyungwon

therefore 

starts up more thoughts about fighting giraffes ensue

and more teasing on behalf of Hyungwon to you

Hyungwon: “do you wanna go to the zoo instead???? is that why you keep thinking about these giraffes????”

You: I. want. to. die.

Hyungwon: “you’ll die if you join the fighting giraffes—oW OWW OKAY I’LL SHUT UP”

the nonstop teasing for weekkkkkksss

until he finally asks you, the day before the trip

Hyungwon: “seriously, are you upset that we went out to the beach instead of the zoo?”

You: ugh, this whole ass man keeps making fun of me for thinking about fighting giraffes, this is your fault for being so fucking attract-

You: WONH O CHOKI NG ON RAMEN

Hyungwon: “WHOA NO FINISH YOUR THOUGHT”

You: NO

You: WONHO. CHOKING. LALALALLALA-

you avoided him for the rest of the day and filled your head with more censored thoughts

so he couldn’t hear anything else

and he didn’t

homeboy was left so confused because

he really likes having you as a friend but

having you as a partner would be so much better

he’s liked you since high school

hearing your thought process and little quirks

he grew fond of them

he knows it’s really invasive, but, in his defense, he was still learning to control them

and he found himself staring at you more and more, accidentally hearing your thoughts

one thing he really hated about his power is that even when he’s just taking in your presence………… he can still hear it even if he doesn’t try to

but anyways

he was sure of his feelings, but didn’t wanna push anything until he was absolutely sure

and now just might be that chance

so, after ducking him the entire day, which is hard to do when he’s trying to find you the entire day

(it’s not that hard considering all he hears from you is “FBI AGENTS GET OUT”)

(at least, that’s what you were trying to think so he doesn’t hear anything else about how you were going to explain yourself)

and he manages to catch you when the boys set up a bonfire and there’s no other spots…… except the one next to Hyungwon

which he totally, 100% did not plan

;)

anyways, you try to distract yourself by focusing your attention the marshmallow you have roasting over the fire

whereas he’s trying to read your mind, but it goes to waste as your attention is solely focused on the marshmallow

hence the tune of IU’s Marshmallow being played in your head

some of the other guys leave the bonfire, either to take a nightly beach stroll or to sleep 

and that left you, Hyungwon, and a melting marshmallow that you were trying to keep from completely burning

before you could flee though, Hyungwon speaks up

Hyungwon: “what? no fighting giraffes?”

You: “I will hit you with a flaming marshmallow”

you thought about it for a second tho, why did you think about fighting giraffes?

the boys were talking about the beach and then they talked about the trip

and the beach made you think about a shirtless Hyungwon

…………. shirtless Hyungwon

FIGHTING GIRAFFES

Hyungwon: “wait what”

You: fuck

You: “fuck”

and then your worst nightmare happens

he starts laughing

You: “sssttttoooppppppp”

You: “it’s my go-to when I think about you shirtless, okay? are you satisfied?”

he keeps laughing

Hyungwon: “do you like the image that much that you have diverted your thoughts from it?”

You: bitch

Hyungwon: “I heard that”

You: “I KNOW YOU DID” 

there’s a bit of a lull and you try to focus on your marshmallow again, but the heat on your face isn’t from the fire alone

Hyungwon: “don’t be embarrassed”

You: “I’m embarrassed because it’s you, idiot”

Hyungwon: “why?”

You: because I like you

Hyungwon: “how dumb of you to think I didn’t feel the same way”

you turn to him

You: really?”

Hyungwon: “yeah really”

Hyungwon: “your marshmallow is burning”

that’s not the only thing burning 

you both assumed that was the night that you both agreed to date

the next day, were the boys shocked that the two of you are dating?

not exactly

bc they knew Hyungwon liked you for quite some time and also the fact that whenever one of them did think you were cute….

let’s just say Hyungwon’s mouth said idc but his eyes said he could murder them and get away with it

also he trusted you enough to tell you about this secret of his, so there was definitely a high chance he was going to develop romantic feelings for you anyways

*cue a sad Minhyuk in the corner somewhere*

KIDDING

or am I

anyways

there isn’t much change to your relationship

other than additional cuddling and pecks here and now

altho there are a couple of changes

your thought processes are more clear because now you have nothing to hide but

they are also unclear because it’s like

Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hyungwon. Hy—

he also tries more and more not to hear your thoughts, but sometimes it’s hard not to hear them, especially as he openly stares at you more and more

but then again, because of that, he’s gaining better and better control of his powers

he lowkey does use it when you get into arguments because it gives him a better understanding of your perspective and that allows him to provide his and it opens up more communication between you two, even if you don’t have telepathy

also he tried to make up for it by saying everything he’s thinking

that was a very bad idea from the start bc you got annoyed really quickly

but you also kind of sympathized with him

You: “I’m sorry you have to hear my thoughts all the time”

Hyungwon: “that’s not your fault”

You: “but that’s not yours either”

he loves being able to talk to you about these things bc it really feels like someone’s in his corner

you try to understand him better and make things easier

whether it’s getting him better headphones

or distracting him with your own obscure thoughts

I’m very sure that anyone who dates Hyungwon in general is going to nap with him so…

many many naps with him with lots and lots of cuddles

you both take care of one another, physically and mentally

especially since you know he isn’t the type that opens himself up to many people

and hearing all of these thoughts, yours and others, must be exhausting for him 

anyways in this household we love and protect Chae Hyungwon bc homeboy is just tired and needs a break 

[ditheringmind]

No matter how many times I try to write about this one moment in my life, I can never seem to capture the utter devastation I felt.

Being 14 is hard everyone can agree on that. The hormones, trying to fit in, school, home, it all creates a perfect storm, and I, just like many of my peers, was caught up in the middle of it, just trying to keep our heads above water.

I had an after-school job; it wasn’t much, Just vacuuming all the classrooms and the library in the small private school I attended. It was necessary to help pay for my tuition because I in no way came from a wealthy family. Money was always an issue, always the main topic of conversations for my parents, always the reason they fought. Everything always came back to we don’t have money. Never enough.

So I didn’t always have the most stylish clothes or the best shoes. Everything constantly ill-fitting and uncomfortable. I chalked it up to having the oddest figure on the planet. I once had a girl in my class tell me, ‘you would be cute if you wore clothes that fit’ how kind of her to point that out. Another time my “best friend” gave the unsolicited advice that if I would just wash my face, she was sure my acne would clear right up . I was so embarrassed. If she knew all the things I tried to cure my acne, I even begged and pleaded with my parents to buy the stuff off of infomercials. Nothing ever worked.

So yeah, I got the sense that people saw me as an ugly acne-riddled person who chose to be that way. Like I wanted to look like that.

I had a pretty small class, just over twenty kids, and I was the lucky one who never got invited to any of the parties. Ever. The only kid in the class that got consistently left out. What was I supposed to think? Was I to have this hard armor on and not let it bother me? Be ok being the loner, the loser, the girl all the guys in the class would make fun of; I was the girl they used to put their friends down with, the “ oohhhh amy likes you.” The ultimate insult. I had ears, I heard, I would stuff it all down deep and console myself with fantasies of growing up to be beautiful. (Insert eye roll)

To say I hated school would be an understatement. I loathed every part of it, and I wasn’t just the unpopular nerd. I was also the dumb kid. I always needed extra help, and I burned with shame. It was almost like I had a greasy film coating my brain making it impossible for information to be absorbed. I felt the need to hide this, and I never said I didn’t understand something just bluffed my way through school. I am amazed now that not a single teacher I had from k-12th grade tried to dig deeper, how none thought to suggest I had a learning disability. Did they really just think I was lazy?

So when my teacher tapped me on the shoulder as I vacuumed the library and told me he needed to talk with me, I thought it would be the same as always. I had sat in every teacher’s office from third grade on and told I was failing, and I needed to work harder, that I needed not to be so lazy blah blah blah.

I started building up my walls as I followed him through the empty library. Breathing deeply through my nose and twisting the ends of my shirt in my sweaty hands because even though I knew what was coming, I had been through it so many times before, I always cried because it always hurt. But this time, I wasn’t. I didn’t need the added humiliation of tears.

Even though the classroom was empty, he still closed his office door, and the click it made had me feeling like a prison door being slammed shut.

He sat in his rolling desk chair and leaned back, and I stood as close to the door as possible, praying for this to be quick, praying that I could be invisible, praying I could disappear altogether.

He didn’t speak for a long time, just watched me squirm, and with each second that passed, I fought myself, my inner voice telling me to stay calm, not to cry, that I could handle this because I already knew what was coming.

I was so fucking wrong.

“ you don’t have any friends do you.”

It wasn’t even a fucking question, and those tears I was so determined not to shed burned at the back of my throat, clawing at my eyes. He starred at me, expecting an answer, and I hated him, I hated my classmates, but mostly I hated me.

I swallowed compulsively, my lips had gone numb, and I could feel my cheeks wobble.

“Lena is my friend.” The words came out thick and untrue. We both knew it. I couldn’t look at him while I desperately tried to gain control of myself. Each salty tear that ran down my cheek cut like a sharp blade.

“You’re not going to graduate,” he leaned forward in his chair, trying to catch my eyes, And I refused to look at him, instead looking down at my knock-off doc martins, trying not to sniffle like a baby. “ It can be hard when you don’t have friends, but I want you to succeed, amy.” I shook my head because speech was beyond me at this point, and really what could I say to that? Did he think me not having friends was my choice?

My memory gets fuzzy here, I don’t recall what he really said after just that we worked out a plan of what assignments I had to finished to bring my grades up to passing. I was crushed by dread, squeezing at my chest and a thick fog settling over my mind. I didn’t know how to do the work, I couldn’t do it, and I knew there would be no help either.

I was dumb, lazy, unlikeable. I was nothing.

I remember leaving his office and going straight to the bathroom, hiding in the stall and crying so hard I felt my stomach was coming out of my nose.

An adult saw what I worked so hard to hide. I was lonely, desperately so.

I remember trying to pull myself together, looking at my red blotchy face in the mirror, thinking how ugly I was and how much I hated myself, but I still had to go finish my job.

I left the bathroom looking like someone who had just had a mental break. No one I saw asked if I was alright, not any of the teachers still in their classrooms as I vacuumed, not any of the other student workers. It was okay. I was used to being ignored.

I did graduate 8th grade, not that I deserved to. I wondered if I got passed out of pity, maybe because I had worked hard at the end?

On graduation day, as I stood there by myself trying to look like it didn’t bother me, trying to look like I chose to be alone, my 5 th grade teacher walked up to me in that lightly hunched over way he had and told me he didn’t think I would make it. He looked at me like I was the worst kind of fuck up. He looked at me like he took pleasure in tearing me down. Why else would he feel the need to say that?

I’m an adult now, I’ve lived a whole lifetime since then, but I’ve never been able to shake those words. They burrowed into my psyche like a disease, festering, never healing.

You don’t have any friends

You don’t have any friends

You don’t have any friends