#my autism was ignored or punished

[gxlden-angels]

Sometimes working through religious trauma is a heartfelt hour talking about reclaiming your bodily autonomy after being sexualized and shamed from a young age with your religious trauma coach and other times it's this text message from your therapist then a caption suggestion to "show my tumblr friends":

[the-adas]

massive L for the Black4poc community (me)

[returntotheground]

someone invent parents that aren't even mildly traumatizing quick pls

[drchucktingle]

reverse call out post

i have noticed that SOMETIMES it really bothers folks to discover i am sincere and not playing a character. that tinglers are deep artistic expression. i think it  because these few buckaroos are often kind and even politically left but had problematic ways just a few years back

these buckaroos are forced to confront their previous assumptions about neurodivergence and queerness, which is bound to happen as time trots on and cultural landscape evolves. but this sudden realization they have about themselves apparently MUST be ignored and pushed away

theres BIG TIME buckaroos on this very platform who publicly made fun of and gatekept my autism. these posts are STILL THERE. folks questioning my bisexuality. and these are buds who at one time worked with chuck and were pretending to ‘like me’ in way that i now see was irony

these are a previous generation of liberal ‘comedy forum’ buds who laugh and laugh at ‘ridiculous bad erotica’ and wrote as a money scheme. those who would later say with concern ‘chuck tingle is homophobic for making fun of queer erotica’. the same THEY might gleefully write

and i think their reaction is a way to deal with truth that THEY were doing these things ironically and have ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT that someone else couldve been creating joyful queer neurodivergent art during the same timeline with sincerity instead of irony.

so now as chuck gets taken more seriously they have to confront something. question of ‘wait, was i laughing at a real person the whole time? was i calling someone homophobic when in reality it is much more homophobic to MAKE that accusation, because queerness is not a monolith?’

old posts calling out chuck as fake, dehumanizing me, gatekeeping my place on spectrum of autism AND sexuality are still up. they wont be addressed because these folks cannot ever acknowledge they treated someones very existence as a joke. they will not admit THEY needed to grow

and honestly buckaroos, I FORGIVE THEM. nobody is dang perfect and the internet is swirling with irony poisoning. those folks on old forums were BATHING IN IT DAILY. it does not bother me because it is the past, but pondering on it during moments like this i am compelled to write

i do not bring this up to punish for past, but to hope buckaroos remember lesson in the future: you do not need to gatekeep. you do not need to make yourself the arbiter of others lifestyle and identity. you do not need to score online points as a way of proving your goodness.

proving love is complicated sometimes, and a big part or that complicated journey is accepting there are some unique buckaroos out there, buds who actually ENJOY making neurodivergent art and expressing their queerness in unique ways. who need time to learn THEMSELVES through art

it is my belief and suggestion that buds allow others this space. to accept them as they come. to TROT WITH THEM INTO THE FUTURE. thats a heck of a way to prove love is real. i think we can make this trot of sincerity together and DANG am i looking forward to it. LOVE IS REAL

[kiame-sama]

Can you give us some Human Lore related to the Great Seven? As you mentioned how the Queen of Hearts is very strict about Humans being protected, even making a bunch of rules to protect them (So no doubt if Reader gets bullied while Riddles’ around he’ll instantly collar the perpetrators)

I’m curious as to see if there are any myths about how the other Great Seven treat or view Humans

This AU has me in a chokehold and I can’t wait for more parts! I love every part and your art of the characters is amazing!

I kinda wrote a little idea for the Righteous Judge and how he felt about Humans (You can ignore or change it if you want! Since this IS your AU)

The Righteous Judge was known for being fair towards Humans as he believed they should be treated equally, as he’d saw how Humans could not only adapt, but even help Monsters settle their differences, and they could do it all without magic

As such he made laws to protect Humans as he thought highly of Humanity being the key to improve civilization, as while they didn’t have any magic, their bonds with each other and other Monsters helped accomplish any task or threat thrown at them

He believed Humans were pure because they weren’t born with the savage instinct like many Monsters have, as he saw Humans more likely to show compassion, mercy, kindness and empathy, unlike Monsters who are more prone to use violence, aggression and pure power to get what they want

Legend has it the Righteous Judge wept in sorrow when Humanity went Extinct, as he believed Humanity could’ve helped Monsters learn how to better themselves

It’s also believed that the Righteous Judge’s son was a Human, which could explain why he was so devoted to defend and help Humans

Maybe because of this Fleur City is known for their rituals, celebrations and festivals to honor the legacy Humans left behind, to honor how the Righteous Judge strived so hard to help Humans

Sorry, my brain went ham as I’m prone to overthinking because of my Autism (I love your Autistic Works as they’re incredibly relatable, like with Floyd and his squeezes since I love extra tight hugs)

Absolutely agree for the Righteous Judge and this would no doubt translate to Rollo's own infatuation and obsession with this little Human. I would bet that if Human MC from the AU visited Fleur city during the Topsy Turvey Day, they would be automatically crowned and honored in the festival as even the Righteous Judge loved the Humans he wept so heavily for.

The Queen of Hearts was known for her love of Humans and had several Human pets that she cherished deeply. She was known to only pardon her Humans from being beheaded as they were such an endearing little species and she couldn't stay angry with her Humans for long. There are no less than 50 rules regarding the proper treatment of humans as The Queen wanted to ensure her beloved pets were kept safe no matter what. All Humans were declared as a protected species in the Queendom of Roses, and harming or abusing one was punishable by death. These laws are still in place despite Humans being extinct for centuries just in the event that a Human could possibly still be alive somewhere.

The King of Beasts doesn't have any mention of humans in any of his stories, hence why many beast men were content to treat Humans as cattle and regarded humans as a delicacy to feast upon. Over the years as Humans became more and more endangered, the Black market for Humans became more than a little cut-throat. Humans were food for so long, that when they were declared extinct, literal riots broke out and what small remaining meat sold for millions. Knock off meat was popular for a while, and Sunset Savana (and various other locations with high beastman populations) admitted to being somewhat at fault for the rapid extinction of Humans. Now there is a global ban on the buying, selling, or trading of Human artifacts/remains.

The Sea Witch's story is deeply intertwined with the presence of Humans, as it was a Human the princess wished to see and marry, leading to her making a deal with the Sea Witch. Many merfolk regard Humans as the peak standard of beauty as a result of this story and see Sirens as merfolk who have been blessed with Human blood. Since sirens look very close to Humans- minus their ever present gills and abnormal aquatic forms- sirens are believed to be the step between merfolk and Humans. Many Human-like monsters are treated with the same kind of awe by merfolk for being so close to a Human in form.

The Sorcerer of the Sands had many tricks and was very knowledgeable, so of course he knew about humans in great detail. Some stories even claim that the Sorcerer sought the council of Humans for their unusual ability to resolve conflict in warring species. Despite their lack of Magic, humans were admirable enough to be in the council of the Sorcerer and were considered to be quite wise for their continued persistence among stronger species.

The Fairest Queen- the most beautiful of all and a wickedly powerful Harpy in her own right- liked the featherless bipeds known as Humans. Though they were clumsy and sometimes pig-faced, she viewed their ambition and tenacity in high regard. Such creatures that held on so tightly to their place in the world despite the other species beating them back certainly earned the respect of the Fairest Queen.

The Thorn Fairy was known for her many boons granted to Human kind. As Humans did not posses magic, they needed all the aid they could get and the Thorn Fairy was all too eager to aid. It is said that any Human the Thorn Fairy blessed became a member of her court, if not in title than in spirit, as the Thorn fairy adored the ignoble little species despite their fragility and flaws. Though she is the spirit of nobility and power, the Thorn Fairy herself smiled kindly upon her little Humans and offered aid to them when she could.

[nightbunnyusagi]

Autism and tactlessness

I don't know if this is part of the general autistic experience or is more specific to people who grew undiagnosed — I can only speak for myself — but something that really bothers me and makes social situations far more exhaustive than I think they could be, is policing everything I say.

I was diagnosed with ASD after adulthood, but I didn't need a paper to see, throughout my whole life, that I struggled and suffer the effects from it. And one thing is that I am aware, as my loved ones like to point out, that I am "tactless" a lot of the times, which can mean I don't realize when I'm being rude, annoying or inconvenient, specially when I can't understand why that'd be.

Because of that, I was often corrected while growing up. Things that I said that were plainly honest, spontaneous or curious were pointed out as bad, usually without a good explanation on why it was bad, just that it was. After that, I'd usually be punished in a way or another, being not getting an explanation, receiving silent treatment and being ignored, having people mad at me, shouting at me, blaming me for a myriad of things or accusing me of things, laughing at me. All that came off as a punishment for being and talking the way I was.

Years ahead, now that I am an adult, I realized I learned something. Instead of learning why saying certain things is bad, I learned to be scared of what I say. I feel tense and constantly try to analyze what I'm gonna say even when that is meaningless because I can't find what could be bad about it in my memories. If I get too relaxed and let the words slip away, I get anxious I might've offended someone. I'm constantly scared to be offensive and be punished again.

That also means I am always scared of being abandoned by the people I love, and my first assumption will always be that I did something offensive without realizing. I know I'm an overall grumpy person, but I tend to be scared of people when they're mad, I tend to get anxious that they'll never want to talk to me again and I'll be alone.

I am exhausted of fights that I don't understand why even happen. Of not understanding why people get mad at me. Of feeling rejected by people I trusted and loved. Of overanalyzing everything I say and still being scared of going through all that again.

Disclaimer: I am one autistic person, late diagnosed and mid-low support needs, talking about my experiences and opinions that I believe are related to autism. I do not speak for other autistic people, only for myself.

[lace-coffin]

Hello 🤗 I was wondering what kinda rules do you think Asa would have set for one of his pets? I imagine he'd be really particular about them giving him respect and being submissive, but do you think he has a concrete set of written rules or more of a general guideline of what he expects. Idk of that made sense lol.

What rules does Asa have for his pet/SO? (NSFW)

Asa Emory x gn!Reader

Trigger warning for power/bdsm dynamics and general Asa Emory things.

Requests are open!

This is a super fun ask omg! I love love love talking abt what kind of dom Asa is so I’m so happy with this request!

Honourifics- honourifics are always to be used when addressing or replying to asa. Sir, master are used regularly. If you really want to rile him up then daddy or Mister work prefect, the perversity of it doing something animalistic to him. Calling Asa God or “my God” will draw out his more sadistic egotistical side, tell him how you’re only committed to him, your life is in his hands and you’re nothing but the ground beneath him. Lave over his heavy leather boots in worship.

Collars and marking- collars are worn daily, taken off at night so you can sleep comfortably and not risk choking (he wants to be the one doing the choking ; ) ) if you’re uncomfortable with a full collar then a daytime collar can be worn, usually a chain of some sort with your name tag and return information on it. “Cricket, property of The Collection, if lost return to Asa Emory”

Respect- disrespect will not be tolerated, talking back or lashing out will end in punishment, it depends how severe the offence was. Ignoring him or muttering a rude comment under your breath might earn you a single slap to the ass to correct you in the moment. Having a smart mouth the whole day will have worse consequences and may require a scene to be planned and negotiated prior.

Scenes - your BDSM relationship with Asa is a 24/7 dynamic, this means all the planning and communication comes with it. You use the traffic light system, green for good/continue, yellow for slow down or take a break and red for stop. Asa would never do anything you don’t want or consent to, he may be strict and domineering but your safety is key to him. If your mouth is restrained or you’re not feeling up to speaking in sub space then there are non-verbal safe words in place for you to use.

Clothing and inspections - all clothing is to be approved by asa before you get ready for the day, you can either pick out an outfit on your own and have it approved or let your master choose one and lay it out on the bed ready for you. He’s more than happy to aid you in getting dressed, loving the sense of dependancy you show him.

Bodily inspections are done once a week, Asa prides himself on keeping you in the best physical health he can, this doesn’t end at just an ordinary checkup however. Slipping on his latex gloves (unless ur allergic!) and prying your holes open, delving his fingers into you as your squirm against them under the guise of checking you’re healthy. Filthily commentating the entire time. “Look at that pretty pink hole, stretched open all for me”

Scheduled meals and bedtimes - Asa likes routine and can get antsy when running behind (totally not me projecting my autism onto him) this transfers over to your routine too. Lunch and dinner (and dessert < 3) are served at the same time every day, asa expects you to be ready and waiting at the table. A strike will be added to your chart if your late. Three strikes and a punishment will be given. Sir will decided where you dine everyday, if you’ll be joining him at the table or eating on the floor from a personalised bowl. Breakfast isn’t at a set time, he knows the amount of sleep you get/need will fluctuate so he’s happy to let you sleep in until you feel ready to get up.

Bedtime is usually also at a set time, around 1 am, he knows you’re not a child and won’t make you sleep early but still wants you in bed at a reasonable time, usually ushering you into bed at 12 and giving you an hour to read or to watch videos. Usually you either share a bed with asa or sleep in your kennel/cage, sometimes in a combination of the two you sleep at the foot of the bed.

Language- Asa discourages the use of swearing but he won’t punish you for it, he might give you a stern look but that’s the extent of it.

Chastity - your sir has a dainty key hanging on a chain around his neck at all times, your body is his as is your sexual pleasure and your genitals. Chastity devices are worn until he decides it’s time to play, attempts at touching will result in punishment, he does however like the desperate look on your face as you rut against the fabric of the sofa like a pathetic mutt in heat. He won’t let you know that though. Sometimes he’ll bring you to the edge of orgasm, panting and whining as your body shakes, only to remove his hand/cock or toy and slide the device back on. The pitiful cries and “it’s not fair”s from you after are even more beautiful than seeing you cum in his mind. Don’t lash out or act out after otherwise the time spent without release will be extended just to spite you.

Relating back to food and drink Asa expects you to drink a minimum of 500ml of water or juice a day, he knows 1-2 litres is unrealistic and doesn’t want you needing to pee constantly. He’s happy as long as your hydrated, if you have particularly bad days with fatigue or depression he’ll help you drink by bringing the straw to your mouth as he holds you. Medication needs to be taken at the correct time, both your alarm clock and Asa’s watch has an alarm set on it so you don’t miss it.

Whilst Asa can be sadistic most of his rules are for your wellbeing along side your obedience, only wanting the best for you whilst you’re under his control.

I hope u like this!! Was literally so fun to write! I love this chunky bug man and ungodly amount <3

[sage-writes-n-coins-mogai]

What radicalised me into the youth liberation were my parents. 

They smacked me, took away my possessions, threatened to destroy said possessions, emotionally neglected and abused me, ignored my declining mental health, ignored my autism and ADHD symptoms, had my thoughts, feelings and opinions dismissed because “I’m just a kid”, called me lazy and selfish because I just wanted to rest because I’ve been on my feet for the past four hours looking after my baby sibling, told that my pain doesn’t matter because “it could be worse”, taught that my emotions don’t matter, taught that I can only rely on myself even when I clearly need help, taught that what’s between my legs is much more important to them than what’s between my ears etc. etc.

Because of all this, I’m both terrified and resentful of my parents especially my step father, who’s an ignorant Gen X cishet white man who has admitted that he believes he’s better than everyone when in reality he’s just surrounded by mentally ill/disabled people and literal children who are still learning how to be people. 

I’m not joking when I say that I that I’m glad I’m moving out, but I’m really worried that I’m going to “mess up” somehow and my parents will chose keep me home longer. They hold so much power over me, even more than they know, they’re capable of absolutely destroying my life and I would be incapable of stopping them because we live in the middle of bush and it’s a three hour walk out.

And I bet you my bottom dollar if my parents knew how I really felt about them they would punish me in someway because hating the people who traumatised you is crime apparently :/

[momma-pixel]

I Must Speak But Don't Have The Words

[TW: Suicide] When: 1988 Where: Playground, Kindergarten Situation: Little Me strongly and firmly believes that if I antagonize the girls and make them chase me then when I get caught they'll turn me into a girl like them as punishment. Apparently boys will be boys.

When: 1989-1994 Where: My bed, every night / Home Situation #1: I prayed to god every night to let me wake up as a girl. Situation #2: Caught wearing my sister's panties a few times, said it was because I couldn't find my own underwear. Situation #3: Constantly asked to help with yard work, would prefer to help in the house. Told that's women's work, what are you a girl, stop being lazy.

When: 1993-1995 Where: Home / Hospital Situation: General moodiness and angst, aches and pains. Breasts and hips are forming. Why parents? You're fat (I wasn't). Get confused for a girl out in public, parents force me to cut my hair and go on a strict diet. Doctor says I only have one testicle but also wants to run chromosome and hormone tests. Parents balk at cost. Surgery to find a missing testicle. I prayed to god, for the last time, to have the doctors turn me into a girl. They find a testicle slightly smaller than a marble, it's atrophied.

When: 1996 - 2000 Where: High School / Home Situation #1: Fell in with the punk and goth crowd. Had friends. Learned about the world at large thanks to them (and this new thing called the internet!). Discovered I was Bisexual. Learned the term 'transsexual'. Boom, head blown. Female bestie opens her arms, heart, and closet doors to me. Wearing black lipstick, black nail polish, eyeliner. Parents hate me. Wanted my ears pierced, dad said it was for girls and fags. In an argument about something dumb my mom calls me a cocksucker - I quipped that at least I was getting dick, flipped my hair, and walked away...we didn't speak to each other for a month. Situation #2: Attempted suicide twice. Both attempts failed right before they would have succeeded thanks to some spectacular reverse-final destination shit. Parents blamed my friends, my books, and anything else they could. Boyfriend jokes it's because god is scared of me after ignoring my prayers for so long and needs time to come up with an alibi.

When: 2001 - 2005 Where: Therapist's Office Situation #1: Asperger Syndrome (to be changed much later to Autism), Depression, Transsexualism. Do this thing called a Real Life test. Standards too rigid, too high, failed test. Situation #2: Final suicide attempt. Lots of counseling, meds, and restrictions.

When: 2010 - Present Where: New State of Being/Mind/Residence Situation: Grabbed life by the gooch and made it my bitch. Found new therapist, learned about myself more, began fixing myself, started a proper transition.

I never knew the words needed to express my mental anguish and emotional turmoil. They were concepts in my mind colored with prismatic abstract thoughts. My world was a tiny box with the only things allowed in governed by my parents. I wanted so badly to say to someone, anyone, that I was in pain and needed help but didn't know how. Even today I still have trouble putting words to thoughts - as an example, this post alone has already taken an hour to write.

For any of you out there struggling to talk about your changes, your transitions, your mental state of you, take this advice - there are words out there for you! Take your time to craft them as purposely and gently as possible. Some people will kick up at them and try to break them, but they are your words and you made them. They can't be broken, they can't be sullied or tainted. Those words were crafted by hand with love (for yourself) and perseverance (for a better tomorrow) by the best craftsmen in the world: You.

[horsesource]

I’m getting obsessed with the arguments between Positive Reinforcement (R+) vs Balanced (uses “aversives”) animal training. So many of the R+ advocates seem incapable of realizing that solely rewarding behavior can absolutely be cruel--the idea seems to be that if treats and sweet voices replace aversive training tools, the possibility of cruelty vanishes: only unconditional love and dogs' "desire to please" remains.

I haven't trained a dog. In fact, if I look back at the family dogs I've shared my life with, they desperately lacked training. I have, however, worked at a place that intended to train autistic children. This place was full-on R+. We were not allowed to use "limit-setting language" (this includes the word "no"); we were to rely upon "errorless learning", prizes and praises for good behavior; we were required to "ignore and redirect" bad behavior. Guess what? This was completely ineffective. I watched so many children's behavioral issues worsen over time. I watched children quite deliberately fuck with teachers, who the children knew were powerless to administer meaningful consequences. I watched children ignore and even seem angered by effusive "gooooooood job!"s.

Now I want to follow the path behaviorism took in its application to humans (mostly humans called autistic)...

As many know, Ivar Lovaas, the man who did much work to establish Applied Behavior Analysis as the "gold standard" of autism intervention, utilized aversive punishment. Take this 1974 interview excerpt:

"When we first started to treat autistic kids we began with only one child. I would pick up Beth at her parents’ house at 9:00 in the morning and I would drop her off at three, so we had her for about six hours a day, five days a week. You spend that much time with someone and you get to know them pretty well. In fact, I saw more of her than I did of my own children. Well, what happened was that she ceased to be a patient for me—she was simply a child, just like one of my own children.

Beth did very well in some ways; she learned very quickly. But she was also very self-destructive. One day I was talking with her teacher and Beth began hitting her head against the edge of a steel cabinet. She would only hit steel cabinets and she would only hit them on the edge because, you see, she wanted to draw blood. Well, I think because I knew her so well, I just reacted automatically, the way I would have with one of my own children. I just reached over and cracked her one right on the rear. She was a big fat girl so I had an easy target. And I remember her reaction: She turned around and looked at me as if to say, 'What the hell is going on? Is this a psychiatric clinic or isn’t it?' And she stopped hitting herself for about 30 seconds and then, you see, she sized up the situation, laid out her strategy and then she hit herself once more. But in those 30 seconds while she was laying out her strategy, Professor Lovaas was laying out his. At first I thought, 'God, what have I done,' but then I noticed that she had stopped hitting herself. I felt guilty, but I felt great. Then she hit herself again and I really laid it on her. You see, by then I knew that she could inhibit it, and that she would inhibit it if she knew I would hit her. So I let her know that there was no question in my mind that I was going to kill her if she hit herself once more, and that was pretty much it. She hit herself a few times after that, but we had the problem licked. One of the things that this taught me was that if you treat these kids like patients, you are finished. The best thing you can do is treat them like people."

To contemporary readers, *to contemporary ABA practitioners*, this is horrifying! This is abuse! And I am not a fan of Lovaas. But you know, today when I read this, I do hold a peculiar kind of respect for his relationship with Beth, and that is what I want to focus on, not Lovaas’s legacy. What stands out to me in the relationship between Lovaas and Beth, as Lovaas tells it, are two things lacking from contemporary ABA manuals. Firstly, there is an emphasis on the particular relationship between two particular people, Lovaas and Beth--"You spend that much time with someone and you get to know them pretty well. In fact, I saw more of her than I did of my own children. Well, what happened was that she ceased to be a patient for me", "Well, I think because I knew her so well, I just reacted automatically, the way I would have with one of my own children"--Lovaas is claiming Beth as "his", as "one of his own children". And Beth, too, clearly has a hold on Lovaas. Lovaas feels guilt, he questions whether he has made the right disciplinary decision (note that this consideration cannot enter the mind of a behaviorist who considers themselves incapable of discipline). Lovaas does not "ignore and redirect" her. Lovaas demonstrates to Beth a committed seriousness to the eradication of her violent behavior. He does not repeatedly read a social story about "Why I Need to Be Safe Around Countertops" in a syrupy sweet voice, nor give her a cookie when she stops hitting her head. In fact, he engages in violent discipline against her behavior! But I do think there might be a coherence to this discipline that is not there in strictly praise-laden practices. I think part of this has to do with Lovaas's second important deviance from contemporary ABA: the attribution of intention to Beth's actions. Good contemporary behaviorists would never ascribe the sort of devious intention Lovaas ascribes to Beth. It's extremely common to hear things such as "well, he/she can't help [behavior]", "he/she doesn't know any better". This attitude is generally considered kindness, whether applied to children or dogs. I disagree. I have seen the training/teaching rhetoric of "they don't know", "all they know is love" cause real damage to relationships. I believe that this strictly positive behaviorism harms humans and our animals, despite its very popularity depending upon a fantasy of "harmless" training/teaching. I am not saying that every human or animal will benefit from verbal and physical discipline. I am sure there are some who will not. We ought to lend more commitment to the specificity of a relationship than to a method. My point is that many of us seem to think that if we eliminate certain tools or words, the potential for cruelty will vanish from our relations. On the contrary: I have seen horrific cruelty in the "kindest" of practices, and I have seen cases where the clarity of disciplinary action would lend a coherence "kinder" than ignorance, a cookie, or a "GOOOOOD JOB!".

[aspd-culture]

aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

[straightlightyagami]

i might deserve your fate or worse

⚠️this blog’s url is normally isomorbism, using this url temporarily

hi, welcome to my blog! ^_^ you may want to read this post before following. edited when needed.

links: neocities / cohost / bluesky / mastodon / pillowfort (rarely active on these i just made accounts on everything to see)

invite to discord server on request for mutuals or people i’ve interacted with

free palestine! 🇵🇸

ask to tag (dm or ask) if you want to filter anything!

interests / stuff I post

I like pure math and I'm studying it at university (bachelor). kind of my "main" special interest and has been since I was a kid.

I write stuff occasionally like poems and "fanfiction."

I sometimes make semi-coherent poasts about my miscellaneous opinions on social and political issues, philosophy, etc.

not a fandom blog but I post about things I read or watch sometimes. I like death note (number one fan of light yagami).

general / rules

asks are welcome but I am very slow (as in it takes months sometimes) at answering them. I am not ignoring you I am just so bad at this.

for privacy I don't want to share some things like where I'm from and I would appreciate if you don’t ask this type of question.

you can ask nicely if you need something tagged. I try to keep this blog generally pg-13.

english is not my first language but I'm at c2 level. I generally use american rather than british terms where there is a distinction.

please tell me if you think something I said was mean, bigoted, or problematic so I can improve in the future!

sometimes I will talk or reblog something about the discourse du jour but this is not a discourse blog.

no dni; I may block you if: you harass me or my followers, if I think it's likely that you will, or for other reasons (although I rarely do and mostly accidentally). you can ask to be unblocked.

please make a post or some indication you are not a bot.

do not take any of my posts as a call to violence towards any individual or group of individuals.

do not put discriminatory rhetoric on basis of race, skin color, ethnicity, nationality, assigned sex at birth, gender, sexual orientation, or disability on my posts. I try my best to keep this blog safe for people of marginalized identities.

miscellaneous positions / opinions

you are not required to agree to interact or follow

I'm a socialist (communist-adjacent as in closer to a marxist than an anarchist on most issues, but I don't use a more specific label. I try to stay open to learning about different ideas) and a (mostly classical) utilitarian.

anti-imperialist as in I oppose imperialism by the US and western countries and by other countries like russia too.

I try to have a nuanced view of historical socialist experiments (i am from an ex-socialist country btw).

inclusionist as in I think it's fine if people have any good faith and harmless identities, even contradictory ones. this doesn't include "radqueer" identities. I don't participate in queer discourse.

vegan for the animals and the environment.

irreligious atheist, no longer consider myself strictly anti-theist but adjacent.

not a fan of standpoint epistemology nor do I feel the need to prove I have it worse than someone else. pick and choose which privileged groups you want to implicitly assume I am part of (unless I explicitly state a fact about myself). it’s the internet.

I strongly disagree with the concept of collective guilt or collective punishment.

nationalism is cringe.

I do not want to hear about shipping discourse.

reblog ≠ endorsement of everything the OP ever said. also note I will sometimes interact or follow people I don't agree with on everything or even most things. I will sometimes reblog posts that are interesting but I do not necessarily endorse.

some posts (this section is a work in progress)

why i am anti anti civ

on autism: (x) (x)

on democracy under socialism

socialism vs communism vs regulated capitalism

sideblogs

@this-is-trivial - aesthetics sideblog

@autistic-light-yagami - “roleplay sideblog”

@hashtag-applecore - 🍎

@colibri-coruscans - birds (the other mod is @/rlydsntmttr)

@goncharovpilled - goncharov posts archive

@modularfacade - architecture photography blog

@did-henry-kissinger-die-yet - what it says on the tin (the answer is yes)

@jan-iso - toki pona blog

@wouldkirakillthem - poll gimmick blog

[crazycatsiren]

I tell people to think hard about getting a professional diagnosis, because they can end up on watch lists, barred from jobs, barred from adopting, etc. Please stop calling a professional diagnosis a privilege. I know people are being mean, and it is okay for you to defend, but stop calling it privilege. That is very very gross.

You've got some fucking shit nerves to come to an autistic woman of color's personal blog and call her "gross", when it's not even an opinion that a professional autism diagnosis is in many ways very much a white privilege.

Do you know how many autistic children of color, especially black children, are labeled as oppositionally defiant and even violent, and punished for their autistic behaviors in schools, while their white autistic peers are coddled, cosseted, and accommodated? Do you know how many BIPOC, especially those who are AFAB, have never had access to a professional diagnosis as well as help for their autism because of racism and misogynoir? Do you know how many mental health professionals to this day still don't believe that people of color, especially women of color, can even have autism? Do you know how many autistic ethnic minorities' voices are constantly silenced and ignored, even within the autism community? Do you know how many families out there who want to get help for their kids/loved ones just can't, because they don't have the money or the insurance for an autism diagnosis, no support, and no one to advocate for them because they're not white? And do you know how many of us have had to struggle through our entire lives all on our own, with nobody to reach out to, no one to care, how many of us have been dismissed and invalidated over and over because of our ethnicities and skin colors?

So with all due disrespect, fuck off my lawn with your privileged bullshit, loser who ain't even got the galls to attach a face to being a racist asshole.

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

[godneuteredmeforbeingtoopowerful]

CW: fakeclaiming discussion, light discussion of autistic trauma

I love my fellow systems. I do. I really do.

But I’m so tired of seeing so many posts that are simply “you’re valid if this happens, ignore the fakeclaimers!” And then listing tons of aspects of simply existing as plural.

Maybe I’m just talented at avoiding the fake claiming content. But not once in the several years of me interacting with system content as a system, have I seen fakeclaiming content. I’m absolutely aware that it’s out there, this isn’t a “well it hasn’t happened to me so it obviously doesn’t happen” situation. What I have seen? Fakeclaiming bingo sheets made by systems, lists of reasons you might get fakeclaimed, and other content like that. I get that they’re fun, especially as a fuck you to fakeclaimers, but we need content warnings for these posts. Even if they’re positive.

Because I haven’t had baby systems come crying to me because they’re having massive breakdowns over fakeclaimers. But I have had them come because of these posts. Even as one of the few people with the privilege of a diagnosis and having had said diagnosis for 5 years, they leave me shaken and distressed.

A lot of systems are autistic, including me. (This is related, I promise.) an experience at one point or another a lot of us can relate to is watching for social cues for what will get us bullied, what will get us hurt, what will get us punished, and avoiding them. Often, those things were behaviors we couldn’t control; symptoms of our autism. It’s triggering to be thrown right back in that same situation: looking for advice and support, and instead being told that a group of people we may never interact with because they occupy a small corner of the internet will hate us no matter what we do because of our plurality- something we can’t just stop doing to avoid punishment.

It’s not that the posts themselves are bad. It’s not that they need to stop. I just wish our community would get better at having content warnings, *and* including said content warnings in the tags so they can be filtered. I wish that more of the system discourse was about how to function in life, and less about battling hate. Because it’s exhausting, both for the people posting and the people consuming. It’s hard to have community and solidarity when we’re immediately thrown into this battle. Not to mention sysmed vs endos. It. Is. Exhausting. People come to the online community looking for solidarity. For friendship. People leave because fakeclaiming outside and inside of the community permeates everything like a disease.

If there are any system accounts out there who don’t do this, please @ me or smth. People come here to have their spoon reserves bolstered, not stripped away before they can finally find a helpful tip.

TL;DR use content warnings. And put them in the tags. Make whatever content you want, just make it filterable. Please.

Love,

A very, very tired system with like 30 baby systems under their wings.

[a-town-called-hometown]

I mean, even if they are grown adults, it's okay for them to be wrong about a theory for a video game they like, right? Being wrong about a game isn't something that actually harms real people, but shaming people for it (not saying you are! just a trend I've noticed lately) does. People who are just trying to have fun should be comfortable with the possibility of being wrong (as long as they aren't being harmful to real people by saying they're the only ones who are right or something) imo.

Theorizing about what'll happen next is a form of fandom participation everyone should feel comfortable in, but if people are punished for being wrong (be they teens, people with autism, people who only enjoy the game casually, etc) it cuts off that way of participation for them altogether.

with all due respect, I'd like to tell you gently that this ask comes off as a bit condescending. I've already agreed that I will work on my tone when criticizing things I disagree with. you continuing to press the point after I've already agreed with you makes me feel like I'm being lectured, and I don't appreciate it. I would prefer if you wouldn't do that in the future.

yes, of course it's okay for people to be wrong. but I also don't see how me being slightly snarky on a small tumblr blog discourages people from participating in fandom. I haven't mentioned anyone specific, and if I ever implied that fans are dumb, I sincerely apologize. but I don't think it's inherently rude for me to be annoyed with certain popular ideas, especially because I try to be constructive when making serious critiques.

if you want people to be okay with being wrong, you also need to be okay with the presence of critics. if all good-faith debunking of theories is interpreted as being punishing towards fans who like those theories, then nobody is ever allowed to be comfortable with being wrong. anyone pointing out that you're wrong can never be interpreted as morally neutral. it is, in short, not a good fandom space for serious discussion to flourish.

now, dogpiles do exist, and people can absolutely be mean when criticizing stuff! I personally struggle with tone due to being autistic, and so I'm always open to people pointing out specific instances where I come across as rude. I certainly don't want anyone to feel unwelcomed or insulted when interacting with me. and I understand the concern with making sure everyone feels comfortable, considering how toxic the fanbase can be.

you don't need my permission to be wrong. nobody does. it's okay for you to be wrong. I just ask that you consider the fact that sometimes criticism occurs and that people are sometimes annoyed with fanon, and that those are not inherently bad. you are capable of ignoring critiques of fanon if they happen to bother you.