#because otherwise i am not going to motivate myself to fully write it

[theorderofthetriad]

Ur loki fic???? 👀

okay, so, SO, the fic is called In His Thrall, I've only posted one chapter (on 4/20 lol) so far. It's exploring the relationship between Loki and Thanos, starting from outside perspectives of their relationship, and then slowly starting to reveal what's happening behind the scenes. I want to build a lot of tension in this fic which is kinda mean of me to do because I know i'm gonna be inconsistent trash about updating it, like, i already am!

As for the actual plot and not a vague description, the first chapter starts off with Thanos and his forces attacking Asgard during the beginning of Thor: The Dark World when Thor is off-world, and rescuing Loki (and, more importantly, getting the tesseract.) The narrative is non-linear so the plot is going to cover the somewhat canon-compliant events leading up to chapter 1, and the things that follow the first chapter where the plot diverges from canon.

Here is my document for planning each the chapters of this story with quick little descriptions of the events. Keep in mind that I only have about two thirds of what I've got planned in my head actually written in this document and that the shortest chapter description is 15 words, the longest description is 519 words, and the average is about 220 words.

i have 33 chapter descriptions written of the plot in linear event order. It's gonna be so many more chapters than that once i actually finish the whole plot, and then i'll have to rearrange all of these descriptions into the most sensible order which will definitely result in me writing more chapters to make the plot make sense.

My intention with the story is to write a more nuanced take on why Loki worked with Thanos than "it was the scepter's mind control!" or "he was mind-broken from hardcore torture/telepathy!" which seem to be the popular go-tos in fic. Also I wanted the Avengers to find out in some way other than Loki telling them (also very common in fics) because i don't think Loki would willingly (some fics have been smart enough to make it unwillingly) tell them in the first place, and if he did tell them, I think the Avengers would be convinced he was lying once it became clear Loki's version of events painted him as a victim (some fic writers have been smart enough to make it so Loki could not lie.)-

(And you know what? I read a fic where Loki was forced to tell the true version of events and the Avengers knew he wasn't lying, and it was so incredibly boring. It was just a conversation in a room with a lot of interjections and musings on what Loki's story implied. It was like 12 Angry Men except, frankly, they were not angry enough to make it interesting.)

-So i'm trying to write the reveal as both a reveal to the readers and to the avengers, like a little mystery plot where you (hopefully) figure it out just as some of the characters do. There are some characters who know what's going on, some who suspect what's going on, and all of them are reluctant to share what's going on for a multitude of reasons.

This fic is also gonna be a big vehicle for my many thoughts on Thanos and how much i fucking hate him and how i fucking hate that people (and by people i mean redditors so do i really mean people?) ignore the things that actually make him an interesting villain and instead focus on the ecofascism that they're too naive to realize is ecofascism and parrot the views of uncritically. Thanos is completely full of fucking shit when he touts his ideology and I'm here to put that shit on blast. The man is a manipulator and basically a cult-leader which provides so many more interesting elements to work with than what canon went with.

Also thinking about this fic is what freaking cursed me into shipping Loki and Matt Murdock. I was considering where the plot was going and I realized that not only could I get Loki in Hell's Kitchen around the time of Daredevil season 1, but that it made a lot of sense for the plot to go there. And then I realized that Loki is a known liar and Matt Murdock can always tell when someone is lying and Whoops! I have a new OTP of characters that have never interacted in canon to get utterly obsessed about! Again! I'm not making Loki/Daredevil the endgame of this fic though, maybe I'll make some hints at it, though.

Here are some fun details i have planned, want to share, and think aren't going to spoil the major plot:

-Loki sees Foggy Nelson (who has hair similar to Thor's in the first Thor movie) pat Matt Murdock's shoulder and it makes him cry.

-Peter Quill lowkey freaking out over having to return to Earth and getting in a hushed argument with Gamora about him being to one to introduce the Guardians to the Avengers, while the Avengers are literally waiting outside of their ship, hearing their hushed conversation in a language they can't understand, and can only see Gamora having because Peter is hiding against the wall next to the doorway.

-Steve Rogers having an obvious crush on Sam Wilson, or at least obvious to anyone that isn't straight, so literally only two people catch on (one of them being Sam) even though Steve is so fucking unsubtle about it (which he does not mean to be, he thinks he's hiding it really well, 'Sam definitely doesn't know.' is what Steve really fucking thinks.) I initially wrote this in as a fun little tidbit i could use in one chapter to further the plot, but now it's like a five chapter subplot that is also just a tool to further the plot plot.

-A special guest appearance from Jessica Jones, P.I.!

-My take on Thor finding out Loki is a Frost Giant bc im big Mad Thor has never specifically addressed Loki's heritage in the mcu other than reiterating that he and Loki were raised together. There is literally zero indication in MCU canon that Thor even knew that Loki was a Frost Giant until the play scene in Ragnarok. We can maybe guess he knew before then because he didn't freak the fuck out at the reveal, but really we do not know for sure and that fucking kills me. I wanted to see Thor learn that news and we never did! So I'm writing it into the fic.

-Every chapter is going to be titled with a mcu quote said by or about Loki. I had a bunch of articles of Loki quotes open in an incognito for this to copy to a document later, but then my computer had to restart and i lost all those webpages.

-A proper Foggy Nelson "this is a terrible idea, Matt, why are we doing this, Matt?" freak-out.

All that being said, I have zero comments on this fic, just a bookmark where someone wrote into the notes "dam 😞👆"

[seventh-district]

wow!!! nothing better than watching your AO3 subscribers stat go down every time you post a new chapter of your current fic!!!

[hanasnx]

Would you ever be comfortable writing for other Hayden characters like Clay from Awake or James from American Heist?

spoilers for american heist & awake

clay—

i’ve definitely considered a lot about him and his character and his story. the movie was very thought provoking to the point i still have brief fascinations with it. i’m not sure when i’ll be able to rewatch the movie to reignite that kind of captivation i had the first time i watched it in order to write for him and write his character well. for me, my writing is very circumstantial. i am a slave to whatever my interest is at the moment, otherwise i’ll never get anything done.

i left him out of my “characters” i’ll write for list in my rules because i’d have to be given a very engaging prompt, but i have no way to define that for people. i just have to hope i come across the motivation to keep him as a stable character in my arsenal.

i’m more than happy to receive asks about my opinion/headcanons or even thirsts regarding clay, but i can’t take requests. it’s a different kind of science that i don’t know how to articulate. usually, inbox asks are so much easier for me to take creative license on an idea and flourish with the premise i’m given. whereas if someone gives me a request, they often give me a lot to work with, and expect results. (which makes sense! that is what requests are for, and there are times where i love requests enough to do that work! but for a character that i may not understand fully, it’s difficult to fit everything in and feel confident about myself and posting it). if i were ever to write for clay, it’d have to be the right inbox ask about my hcs/opinions whatever.

james—

i saw a tiktok of him today i rly liked here’s the link.

as far as movies go, i felt pretty neutral about american heist, maybe more so on the negative side. i did really enjoy the ending for some reason. i think the ending was clever. tbh i don’t really care about good movies or bad movies just as long as i enjoyed myself watching it and i can say i kind of had a good time watching james. so i don’t dislike his character. (AJ from takers however,,,, i had a very hard time with him. i like his tats, and i like his fight scenes.. but that fucking fedora ❌❌💀) i have a hard time with characters that hayden chooses to change his voice for. like he’s forcing it to be lower but it doesn’t translate well. i enjoy his more natural voiced characters: anakin, and clay for example.

he’s pretty simplistic as a character. there’s not a lot of flavor to work with. i like anakin because there’s a crap ton of flavor to work with, all kinds of malleable, nasty shit to rifle through and make into interesting stories. james is very tame compared to it. like sure he went to prison for a bit, had an ex (that bit was hot when they were working on the car together), does a lot of shit he shouldn’t for his brother but.. what else? the internal conflict between his desire for his peaceful life and feeling a debt to his brother felt difficult to immerse myself in. his brother annoyed tf out of me also.

i wouldn’t watch this movie again :/

as i said above, james is another character if i were to ever write for him, it’d have to be waiting around for the right idea, or someone asks me about my hcs/opinions in the inbox and happen to have enough to say.

[halfwild]

15 questions for 15 (or so!) friends!

tagged by @euphcme!! ty cleo!!

are you named after anyone? nah, my parents just flipped through a baby book until they found a name they agreed on. i was close to being named taylor, but ultimately they decided against it because then my initials would be the same as my siblings and they wanted us to be easily distinguishable by just initials. for my middle name, which i won't say what it is cuz it's not a typical "middle name", my mom said she just chose one that was more traditional to kind of offset the more trendy first name. that way, if i grew up and didn't like how popular haley was, i could go by my middle name instead

when was the last time you cried? i have a goldfish memory so i have no idea, but it was surely this week and probably over something really dumb like i stubbed my toe or read a sad fanfic honestly.... it luckily Has Not Been That Serious for me lately (knock on wood), so no big reasons to cry and just silly ones and for this i am very grateful!!

do you have kids? i am not mentally stable or financially secure enough for a child rn, but i do think i might want them later on (esp if i find a loving partner who agrees). i personally think that, at 25, i am too young to have kids (i know people my age are parents, but it completely baffles and scares me), so it's not something i'm gonna put too much thought into until i'm in my 30s. 30 is also, coincidentally, the age i'll be when my iud expires (unless the fda approves it for longer), so i am fully Not Worrying About It Yet 😌 thats for future haley to hem and haw about. current haley is vibing with 0 responsibilities over other living breathing human beings

what sport do you play / have played? i have never actually played a sport... my parents made me try so many when i was a kid, but i would literally throw fits and scream until they let me quit. i did play recreational tennis for a little bit and i always want to go back to it cuz i still have the racquet, but i don't currently have anyone to play with!

do you use sarcasm? absolutely. it became a problem at work (reported to HR cuz someone thought i was serious), so i have to really try and contain myself in professional settings 🙃

what's the first thing you notice about people? hair! then style/fashion, demeanor, and general age range. if they're in my age range and i'm otherwise attracted to them, the very next thing i always check is their hands bc i lovveeeeeee hands (rings, tattoos, nail polish 🤍)

what's your eye color? like a denim blue/gray with green/gold/hazel central heterochromia (prev also has CH which is very cool, hey twin!)

scary movies or happy endings? 90% of all media i consume has a happy ending and i rarely watch scary movies except at halloween, so happy endings!! give me that HEA or give me death!!!!

any talents? oversharing and never shutting the fuck up or being able to read a room 🤍 no but fr, i can play the flute if i choose to (which i rarely do bc i live in an apartment and do not want my neighbors to Crucify Me). i also embroider/cross stitch, but that may be more of a hobby? i do write very well, and i love it so so so much, but finding motivation and time is nearly impossible for me lately. i have absolutely been having a quarter life crisis about the fact that i am neglecting almost every creative outlet in my life due to burnout - would love to get back to it and learn how to sew since i need to learn how to alter my clothing as off-the-rack does not fit nor flatter my body... tall chubby girl problems frfr

where were you born? take a map of the usa, put a pin in a place you would never want to go, and you're probably semi-close!

what are your hobbies? reading and listening to music are the biggies. if i have any downtime at all, i will usually be reading. i cancelled all my streaming services bc i literally was not using them since i'm always reading instead... libby app and my kindle are my beloveds 🤍 and for music, i literally netted like... 190,000+ minutes on my spotify wrapped last yr bc the only times im NOT listening to music are when im sleeping or if im doing something that prevents me from listening to music (like a meeting at work where i have to actively participate). i also like to build lego sets! but i don't have room for any more of them tbh my apartment is FULL up on stuff since it's soooo tiny and i took in a lot of my grandma's stuff after she died since i couldn't bear parting with it, so i have 0 room now. next time i want to build one, i'll just have to take apart and then redo one instead of get a new one

do you have any pets? unfortunately no, but i would love a cat! a little afraid to get one for two reasons tho. 1) i have never Had a pet before and am afraid of doing wrong by the little baby, and 2) i Was attacked by a cat a few years ago and am still a little afraid of them. i have a friend whose cat is VERY aggressive (lots of biting, scratching, jumping on and attacking them) and i would not do well with a cat like that and would want a more mellow cat (they can playfight with me occasionally of course, but i could not deal with the near-constant attacking my friend endures. it would absolutely freak me out). but, since you can't really know a cats personality until you get them home and acclimated to the new environment and owner, there's no guarantee i wouldn't get a cat i'd be afraid of, so i've held off on adopting for now. i keep hoping i will get blessed by the cat distribution system and they will give me a cat they know will mesh with me, since i know cats like that exist. my siblings cat is literally the sweetest baby and has never hurt, scratched, bit, or attacked them before and just snuggles or ignores them and that is the kind of cat i would need. @ the universe..... please....

how tall are you? 5'8.5/174cm almost exactly. if i'm talking to a man, i round down and tell him i'm 5'8 but if i'm talking to a woman i round up and say i'm 5'9 (gotta impress the ladies with my height, gotta humble the 5'10 man who said he's 6'0 and is now upset he's so close in height to me when i'm 5'8)

favorite subject in school? english, science, and history! but i was a total nerd and loved every class tbh

dream job? novel writer! but writing is so difficult for me lately since my job is so draining of all my time and mental energy that even when i have free time, i can't bring myself to do anything other than rot or read and listen to music. but, i can't quit my job to write bc i cant afford to live w/o my job, so for the time being, my bestselling debut novel that will get a movie deal and change my life for the better, making me vastly wealthy and enabling me to continue writing at my leisure, is still stuck inside my head

I truly cannot think of 15 people to tag in this cuz it is very, very late and i am very, very tired but i will tag.... 3 people rn and edit it if i think of more later!! no hard feelings if you don't want to do this, but i'd love to read your responses if you do 🤍

@lastparty @ratatouiile @lvagirl

[rustygem]

╰┈➤ 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆

this is a honkai star rail blog. i only write for honkai star rail characters.

because i am a minor and heavily asexual, i only write sfw content on here. do not request nsfw content. that will resort in a block.

i’m an ‘x reader’ blog. i will not write about ocs. however, i have no issue in giving the reader having certain traits (ex. reader has curly hair, is an extrovert, is tall).

dark content will be very rare, and i will only be writing dark content when done as a backstory. (ex. reader/character has gone through abuse). i will not be writing any abuser!, yandere! character x reader. this is not that kind of blog.

while i prefer writing on my own, requests are completely fine. keep in mind, i might be very slow with any requests as i am a senior going on college freshman. motivation can easily be lost.

i might make fics for black readers, as a black writer myself. but, usually, reader won’t have a confirmed race otherwise.

yes: fluff, character x reader, angst/comfort or no comfort, gn! reader, platonic relationships. abuse (will not be done by any characters to the reader or vice versa).

no: smut, character x character, yandere!/abuser! x reader, sa, suicide, incest (stepcest included), teacher/professor x student, gender specific reader, aging up child characters.

ೃ⁀➷ 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋 𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒

bigotry gets blocked on sight, y’all know this.

i will reblog posts talking about the genocide in palestine. if that bothers you, please block me.

fully NSFW accounts or accounts that post/reblog a LOT of nsfw aren’t welcome here.

yandere blogs make me hella uncomfortable, so please DNI.

“comshippers”, “darkshippers” or wtv the fuck, do not. fucking. interact.

lolicons, shotacons, "kodacons", fuck off.

if you find yourself on this list, and you wanna interact to be funny, you're just gonna get blocked.

[dangerous-drabbles]

update

i've been putting off writing this, but i can't exactly not, so... i'll try and make this brief.

in short: i've had an epiphany.

(tl;dr at bottom)

i've been writing/brainstorming this fic since november/december last year, and since then, my ideas and understandings of the show and it's characters have evolved. and with them, my plans and understandings for iwf.

i want to be clear: this is not me saying i'm done with iwf, or going on some long hiatus. in fact, it's more the opposite.

having graduated, with summer in full swing, and feeling more sure than ever about where i want to take this fic (as well as remaining fully invested in this fandom), i plan to do more writing than ever before B)

that said: something needs to change.

this fic has been, and continues to be, my baby (besides my ever-growing, yet rarely spoken of, tmnt iteration) for most of the time i've been active in this fandom.

i've long struggled with motivation for big writing projects, but i am resolved to keep with this one because i have a story worth telling. will it be worth reading? who's to say!! (i hope so /gen)

but, as you might've noticed, my more recent updates (especially around the end of arc I) were... bad. maybe not bad-bad, but still bad from a 'technical writing/story' perspective. i struggled a lot with them, and i think that really shows.

i've was trying to figure out why its come to be this way while pushing forward by forcing myself to write, but that didn't work. it wasn't until this week, tuesday, when realization struck me (while watching a video essay, lol).

it made me realize a big part of what was making me unhappy was something i already knew, an issue underlying the fic (and my writing style) as a whole.

with this in mind, i can't keep going forward in the way i had planned.

i'm not gonna go back and change arc I. while the problem is there, especially in the later chapters, i'm early enough on that i can turn things around and (hopefully) root out the problem(s) without any major changes to what i've written/set up so far.

but to do this, i need time.

i know i know i just took a 2-3 week long break, but to pull this off, i need time to prepare and rewrite. i'm halfway through revisions for the arc II outline, and i'll need to heavily revise/rewrite several chapters, plus write some new stuff (since i'm axing the next couple i had planned/written out... rip.)

if all goes well, it shouldn't take longer than two weeks. best case scenario, i get it done in one. we'll see.

until then, i humbly ask for your patience.

as a note:

i could go deep into my inspirations for this fic, where i wanted to go originally, what's changed since then, and especially what brought me to my realization (plus the specifics of said realization) but i said i would try to make this brief, and here we are, [insert amount of words] later.

are you really surprised, though? (/lh)

[if you would like to see me talk more about that (i would absolutely always be down, i love talking about myself /j /lh), feel free to shoot me an ask. in fact, i would beg on my hands and knees, if i were not a silly guy who lives on your computer (/j)]

(tl;dr -- i am not done writing iwf. however, i had a realization that led to me reevaluating my writing and determining that i need to rewrite/revise my arc II outline, and edit/revise/completely rewrite the next several chapters.

this means i am planning to take another week or so off (i am sosososo sorry) to iron everything out and get ahead.

this whole post was me trying to explain the reasoning behind this decision, with an underlying sense of desperate patheticism to match (/j /lh).)

to conclude, i want to say thank you so much for your support, silent or otherwise, from all who have read and (hopefully) enjoyed this fic thus far. i genuinely couldn't do it without you (yes, sun, this includes you /lh.)

especially to my frequent commenters, who i promise i do see and appreciate. you guys are the real mvps <3

i have some really big plans for iwf, and i hope you'll stick around to see them come to fruition (:<

[xieyaohuan]

Get to know your fic writer prompts, answer however many of these you are inclined to: 22, 35, 39, 63, 64. And I think I can answer 43 for you 😂 but if you have any elaborations… please.

22. Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

Not sure I'd rule it out on principle, but I certainly don't write a lot of fluff, and I don't think I'd want to. Don't really write any comedy/humor, either, but it's more lack of talent there.

35. What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain? 

This is cliché af but if I'm trying to write a villain for fic where I'm trying to make a serious point, it's "they're the protagonist of their own story" and have complex emotional lives and motives for what they're doing. That said, when I write porn, I sometimes enjoy writing characters who are fully aware they are being evil sadistic bitches and simply dgaf because uhm I can relate.

39. Share a snippet from a WIP

“You need to tell your husband,” Maeve is letting the word melt on her tongue, “to back the fuck off and leave us alone.”

“You know I ain’t responsible for the cunt just because he’s decided he wants to play beauty and the fucking beast with me, right?”

Billy still has his own place, but he likes staying over at Vought Tower more than he cares to admit. Homelander is clingy and needy and willing to do just about anything if it’ll get him Butcher’s time and attention. He’d be lying if he claimed he wasn’t enjoying Homelander serving him breakfast in the morning, pouring him tea naked on his knees or making Billy feed him little morsels of French toast dipped in milk, begging to let him suck on his fingers. He is absolutely ridiculous in ways Butcher could have never foreseen, and he's enjoying it more than he should.

“Fascinating,” Maeve says. “I can’t decide which one of you is the beauty and which one is the beast.”

“I’m the beauty. Obviously.” Butcher bends over and starts kissing her, his hands searching for her bra under her shirt.

But Maeve isn't having any of his distractions this time and pushes him away. “Tell him to back the fuck off, I mean it, Butcher.”

“Know what?” Billy says. “I’ll do you one better. You can tell him yourself, and I bet you'll even get yourself an apology.”

Maeve burst our laughing, spitting her coffee half across the table. “An apology? From Homelander? What are you smoking these days?”

This time, it’s Billy’s turn to laugh. “Oh, I promise you you’ll get one. Tell you what, if you don’t, I’ll clean for you naked for a full month. How does that sound?”

Maeve grins. “Deal.”

43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person?

LOL I mean, what can I say. I love torturing my blorbos and making them beg (and I occasionally also love exploring the psychological aftermath of the ordeal). But I don't really enjoy gore, mutilation, or anything like that. Yes, it's gotta be unbearable for blorbo in the moment and he'd do anything to make it stop, but I want no organ damage or even a character death (I've made one character death exception in a fic, but I don't enjoy seeing my blorbos tortured if I know they're going to fucking die from it; definitely a massive instant turnoff.)

63. Something you hate to see in smut.

A couple of things. First, I guess, is basic mistakes, like, no lube of any kind during anal sex unless you're in ABO verse I guess, which I actually also kinda hate for no particular reason. Basic anatomy, too. Brings out my inner Stannis Baratheon. Then I just have a ton of super specific squicks that'll absolute ruin a fic for me. For smut I otherwise adore, I try to ignore them, but it's hard because they're instant turn-offs. I am hellafucking particular about any tickle fics I read, and it's almost impossible not to ruin one for me at least a little bit lol.

64. Something you love to see in smut.

Lots of things, light dom/sub dynamics, lots of begging and whimpering, big fan of bondage. Loss of control. Las Vegas State of Mind was super hot. Also dubcon and fucked up dynamics. Big humiliation kink. Trying to decide if I should count whump as smut because some of it sure is for me lol.

[x-neurodivergent-reader]

Important Update.

OK... I was going to wait to release this post until I’d finished more of the requests I have left, especially since I wasn’t certain as to whether I would be going through with this - but with the state of my mental health at the moment, I’ve decided that I will.

This is probably going to be a pain to hear, given how many accidental “hiatuses” I’ve had due to getting too sucked into my uni work... but, yeah – once I’ve finished Learning From Him and all the requests I have left to complete, I’ve decided to take an actual, official break from this blog for a while.

I’ve answered some potential questions that I expected to come out of this under the cut. It got quite rambly, so I bolded the important bits, for those of you who might otherwise find it difficult to read.

~

Is this permanent?

No, it’s just a break. I don’t know how long it will be, but I will be back sooner or later, whether you like it or not!

I know that my writing means a lot to some, if not most, of you, and I don’t have the heart to permanently take that away from you. The blog itself and its fics will stay up, and I will return to writing for them at some point in the future.

~

Why are you leaving?

The main reason is because, to put it simply, I just don’t enjoy writing these fics anymore. I had my special interest in the MCU for years, and my silly little autistic brain has had trouble latching onto something else to make me feel as inspired and engaged in my hobbies.

As a result, since I lost interest in the MCU – to the point where I’ve grown to outright dislike it, as sad as that is to say – I’ve been feeling very “stuck”, creatively. The idea of writing – or making art, or even engaging with much media in general – just feels like a chore to me now. I think I need to take some time away, until I can gain some inspiration for my hobbies in general back, and learn to fully love them again.

There’s also the fact that I’ll be going back to university soon. The past year that I passed (with flying colours, I’m happy to say!) was a foundational year, so the next year might be more challenging and, therefore, even more time-consuming. I’ll be learning a lot of new skills that I didn’t know/only knew the very basics of before, and I want to put in the effort that they will need for me to get better at them. I am hoping that working on new projects for my course will help me get out of this artistic rut I’m going through, but only time will tell.

I am hoping to take more measures to avoid getting burnt out again – one of those measures, aside from resting and getting more fresh air, is to take time to focus on personal projects that I’ve been developing for a while, so I’m not just doing either work or nothing at all. With how I feel towards it at the moment, I don’t think writing fanfiction/making fan content will be sufficient enough to help me with this, right now.

~

What about my request?

It might be a little slow going due to the aforementioned lack of motivation but, again, I do want to finish any requests I have left before leaving. I don’t want to leave them for the better part of a year, like I did with Learning From You’s last chapter.

I am trying to take every measure I can to get myself to finish the requests – with the way they’re progressing at the moment, my rough estimate is that I’ll get them finished, and start my break, by around late September to mid-October. I don’t want to make any promises, though!

~

Will you give this blog to someone else?

No. I’m admittedly a bit protective over what gets posted here, and don’t have anyone that I trust enough to take over the blog while I’m gone. As nice as that solution might be in theory, it just doesn’t appeal to me at all.

I do know that there are other active neurodivergent!reader blogs out there to indulge you in the meantime, though! If you happen to know of any, feel free to reply to this post with recommendations, so others can go check them out (please do include content warnings where necessary, since a lot of my followers who might be interested are minors)!

I also encourage any of you who might be interested in writing to start a blog of your own! Not only will it serve as good practice if you want to write in the long-term, but I found through writing for this blog that there are a lot of people with different neurodivergences who look to these types of fics for comfort. If you want to see yourself be represented more in fanfiction, and write fics that will be meaningful to the people they’re directed at, I highly recommend trying it out! You’re also free to boost your blog in the replies to this post, if you do.

~

Can I find you anywhere else?

This is a side blog, and I will still be active on my main, so you’re free to PM me any time for a chat! I also wouldn’t mind talking via the ask feature, if you want to talk more publicly for any reason (e.g. starting a group conversation, or asking for advice that I myself might not be as qualified to give).

Speaking of my main: if we’ve talked with each other for little while and I’m comfortable enough with you, I might also be willing to link you to it, so we can follow each other, and you can see the kind of nonsense I post/reblog outside of this blog in all its glory!

I also have a fic rec blog @sweet-mocha-fic-recs – I don’t know how active I’ll be there, but if you want to see fics that I like (both with ND!readers and otherwise), then you can follow me there, too. Despite my disdain for the MCU, I still read – and therefore reblog – the odd Loki fic when I’m feeling a little bit nostalgic, so there’s no need to assume that it won’t be for you if you’re still into those stories!

~

So, what now…?

I’m going to try to get my creative spark back – again, I’ve been working on-and-off on a couple of personal projects (both being webcomics), and I hope that these, and my course, will help me to build up my passion for creating things again.

~

Final note

Once again, I know how much my work has meant to a lot of you. Even if I forget to respond sometimes, I see each and every message, comment, reply and tag that many of you have left me, and I appreciate all of them – they were what allowed me to keep going with my writing for as long as I have, and I still look back on them whenever I feel down about myself or my skills.

Thank you for all of the support you have given me throughout my time writing for this blog – you have no idea how much it has meant to me. As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to close myself off from other people a lot both in real life and online, so the responses I’ve received and interactions I’ve had with you all mean a great deal to me.

Once again, you’re more than welcome to talk to me at any time. I may sometimes think “I’ll reply later” and then forget, however, so if I don’t get back to you after a week or so, please don’t be afraid to give me an extra nudge! /gen

I may also pop back onto this blog every so often to ask how you all are doing, or give a brief take about something related to the media/characters I’ve written for on here, if I happen to see anything that feels worth sharing my opinion on (perhaps the upcoming Doctor Who special, for example ;) ).

I hope you enjoy the things I have left to upload until I start my break - even if my love for creating has dwindled a bit, I am putting a lot of effort into finishing them when I can, and doing the requesters justice.

I hope you all have a pleasant day/night/etc., and once again: thank you for everything! c:

[cookinguptales]

I don't know if I fully believe in the concept of NYRs but... idk, I do have some things I've been working on for myself, and I guess it's fair enough to call them NYRs. These issues are a work in progress, and I am a process. lmao

[cut for length and so you don't have to scroll through my personal issues if you don't want to!]

My first two NYRs are ones that I've had on my list for many years. You'd think that means that I'm very bad at them, so I have to keep adding them to my to-do list. But actually, I've had a lot of success with them both, which is why I keep them both on there every year as a reminder.

1. Every time I complain about a bad thing, try to find, create, or promote a similar good thing.

This is the one I've had for the longest. Some times I'm better at this than others, but I always find myself renewing my commitment to the idea this time of year. I've struggled with depression for most of my life and I think at heart I'm probably a pessimist. It's very easy for me to get bogged down in negative things, especially when things have been so objectively shitty for everyone the past few years. In my teenage years especially, I had trouble moving at all without tripping over something that made me angry. And anger can be good! Anger can motivate you to demand better. But better things do exist in this world, and the past few years I have tried to funnel my anger into amplifying those things.

So, y'know, every time I complain about a movie I think sucked, I try to recommend a movie I think was pretty good. When I get frustrated at a narrative choice in a piece of media, I try to think about a choice that I think worked better. When I hear about some fresh new atrocity in the news, I try to find at least one good thing that's happening, too, even if that's just in response to that bad thing. (I find that finding charities to support helps me a lot there.) When I feel like there are ugly things everywhere I look, I try to make something beautiful.

I think I often get frustrated with bad things because I feel that things should be better. So the best way to assuage these feelings isn't to just get angry with the bad things. It's to find those better things -- or make them myself.

2. Consume at least one new piece of media every week.

This can be a movie, a book, a tv show, a video game, anything so long as I haven't consumed any of it before. I've tried those movie-a-week things or book-a-week and it's not a bad idea, but I tend to get a little bogged down. I think I've realized over the years that what I really need is a sense of freshness to keep me going. Otherwise I'll just watch WWDITS and play Stardew Valley 1000 times and stagnate a bit. Stagnation is a real problem for me, so I do a lot to try to combat that. I've definitely discovered that a constant stream of fresh new things helps with that, no matter the medium. I try to keep this river flowing, so to speak. And trying new things is fun!

Now onto a couple things that I'd like to work on in the coming year specifically...

3. Use my resources to make myself happy.

I'll preface both of these upcoming sections with the fact that uh. I was raised kind of weird fundie evangelical, and I have found that unlearning some of that shit takes a lifetime. When you're raised to internalize that joy is sinful if it's not in service to God (...we were neocharismatic, so dancing was okay in a charismatic situation) then it's kind of hard to do things just because you enjoy them, especially if they are "wasteful" in any way.

Like I can justify a hobby that is building me in some way, like an academic pursuit or learning a new skill. I spend... a lot of my free time trying to better myself, which is something that probably requires some self-reflection. lmao. I can also justify hobbies that benefit others, like writing someone a story or doing something for a charitable cause. I can even justify a hobby that might make money. But doing things specifically for me just because I enjoy them and they make me happy... that's harder, especially if they use up resources.

Like... I discovered in high school that I liked working with wax. We did batik in one of my art classes and I loved it. I still haven't gotten myself batik materials (I keep thinking "but what would I do with the cloth?") but I have started to dip my toes back into making wax melts. It's cliche, I know, but it's fun. I really enjoy it. I love making new smells and new appearances and getting really creative with it. It makes me feel like a mad scientist, a little bit. But... I mean, it's not a cheap hobby. And it takes up a lot of my actual physical energy -- which, as someone with a lot of chronic illnesses, really is in short supply. So I've felt oddly guilty about it, especially because I know I should be saving more diligently for my accessible bathroom. Like, obviously being able to shower safely is more important than being able to play with wax molds...? But... you have to have joy in your life, too... And that's not a sin.

(Sin is bullshit anyway! But still.)

I've been kind of offsetting the guilt I feel by giving wax melts to others and by kind of making vague-ass plans to maybe sell my excess one day, but like. I need to reframe the way I'm thinking about this endeavor. It's nice if my hobby can bring benefits to those around me (and make back the price of materials maybe) but it doesn't have to. It's enough if creating a weird little laboratory in my basement makes me happy.

The same goes for some other things, too... If I want to spend fifty dollars on materials for cross-stitch, that's okay! If I want to buy myself a ticket to a concert that I'll look forward to all month, that's okay! If I want to take the train up to NYC to see an exhibit and hang out with a friend, that's okay! There's value in joy, even if it's mine! Especially if it's mine!

I want to spend 2023 experimenting with new hobbies and new experiences and new treats for myself. I'd say I deserve them, but deserving has nothing to do with it. I don't have to deserve it, and I don't have to earn it. It's enough to simply enjoy myself, quietly and exuberantly and in service of nothing.

I had a stint in my teenage years where... honestly, my family lost everything. I couch-surfed at a family friend's house for a few years because we didn't have a place to live. I watched my parents cling to a job with a deeply, deeply abusive boss because it was the only way to keep insurance for my medical expenses -- and back then, there were a lot. Hell, I spent several years in there too scared to tell my parents about my symptoms because I knew we couldn't afford a doctor. So... I probably have some issues when it comes to saving and spending money... but the fact of the matter is that there's no point in having money if you're not willing to enjoy it a little bit, and it's not like I'm spending irresponsibly or refusing to share what I have. I save, I donate, I give gifts, I try to make the world better in at least tiny ways. It's okay if I try to make my own life better, too. ;o;

I keep telling myself that, anyway. Maybe this coming year I'll finally be able to make myself believe it. lmao. It's a worthy endeavor.

4. Allow myself both pride and joy in my work.

I'm a good writer! I'm a good editor! I make lovely things! I make people happy! Writing this paragraph is very difficult for me!

Back under point one, when I said "I try to make something beautiful", I initially thought "I make something beautiful" but then I felt bad. Like I was being arrogant or too up my own ass or inflating the quality of my work. But I didn't want to take it out, either, because I do attempt to make lovely things when I see shit. I think it's important to combat horror with joy, no matter what that means to you. So... I compromised and wrote "I try to make something beautiful", and I hope that next year I am mentally healthy enough to be able to write "I make something beautiful."

How do I put this... My parents were always supportive of my endeavors growing up, and they were never stingy with praise when I did something right. This isn't some weird situation where I'm trying to earn praise that never came. It's just that even as a child, I have never been able to internalize praise, which has had the effect of making me feel like I'm never good enough.

Feeling like you're enough is... I mean, I think it's a struggle for a lot of us. I think that's a very human emotion. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that the way I look at praise isn't exactly healthy, and I do think I've come to pinpoint where a lot of this is coming from.

While my parents were always proud of me, there's always been this idea there that praise should be private, and so should pride. You thank someone in private. You do good in private. You praise someone in private. And you never speak of the good you have done.

Like I said, I grew up fundie. I think my parents were, in some ways, rebelling against "false" Christians (a whole other discussion...) who would do good simply to put themselves on a pedestal later, or worse, who would hold it against others or manipulate them with favors. My grandmother is the QUEEN of this, so I see where my mother's feelings came from. So there was always this drive from home to be good silently and without attention, and that you should never accept praise for it.

That combined with the wider teachings of the church, which again, really emphasized humility -- especially in girls, sigh -- and made us "give it to God", so to speak. I don't do good things. God does good things through me. That sort of situation. It's why my grandmother is so upset that both my mother and I write secular fiction. Our gifts came from God and should be used in service of him -- so, as a tool for proselytization and a weapon against non-believers. :') You know the type.

(Side note: no, my mother has never, ever read any of my fiction even though she has begged. No, I would die. I only started reading hers as an adult once she became one of my clients. It's kind of weird how we both decided to write but never let the other read any of it, haha.)

Anyway, my point is that I have a very difficult time accepting praise which means I have a difficult time internalizing praise which means I have a difficult time ever feeling like I have done something worthy of praise, and I also feel like an arrogant asshole whenever I do manage to feel good about my work. This is obviously less than ideal. I've been slowly working un untangling my negative reaction to pride, especially because I don't actually think I'm bad at things. I just... think I'm a bad person when I admit that I'm good at things. It's a process. lmao

I tend to reread nice comments that people have left me when I'm feeling really down on myself. That's why I've been saving kind replies with the "praise" tag. It's partially so people can block it (I... always assume people will not want to see me accepting praise, HMM) but mostly so I can go back and find it later. I have a much easier time allowing other people to praise me than allowing myself to do it. But I also have a hard time believing it...?

I've had some success with telling myself that it's disrespectful to my readers if I don't trust what they say about my work -- like, am I accusing them of lying to me? Of having bad taste? If it's neither of those things, then the praise must be genuine. That's actually helped quite a bit. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I have talent.

But even just writing that last sentence made me wince a little bit! Damn it! It's really hard for me and I'm trying to just... force myself through it. Tell myself that my work is good and I'm not a bad person for acknowledging that. Sometimes saying my work "makes people happy" is easier for me, especially because... I mean, it's probably that in service to others thing again... but it also puts the onus of preference onto them and not me lmao.

But yes. In 2023 I am going to allow myself to linger over praise and maybe even let myself believe it. I am going to tell myself that my writing is good, and no, this is not going to be the fic that I finally fuck up and disappoint everyone. (And if I do write a fic that no one likes, that's okay, too! It's okay to experiment with what I like! It's okay to write something for me and not for others! Joy for my sake!!!) I am good at this and my writing is good and people like it and I kind of like it too and that's okay. It's not perfect, but nothing is. And there's value in it regardless.

I'd stare in the mirror and force myself to look myself in the eye while I tell myself I did a good job and I should feel happy about that but I don't keep mirrors in my house because they creep me out! I have tiny ones in my bathrooms because they came that way but they're not useful. lmao. At least not for gripping the sink at 2 am and forcing yourself into self-appreciation.

(I'm a nice person! I'm smart! I try my best! I try to be patient with people who irritate me! I write nice things! People like me, damn it! ;o;)

4b. I will be open about my charitable donations.

A corollary to 4. Like I said, we were always supposed to be good in private. I have always marked my donations as anonymous when possible. But I had a charity last year have a little pop-up when I did that, and it told me that I may think that donating privately is the honorable thing to do, but that studies show that donating publicly encourages other people to donate as well. It lets your friends and loved ones see you do it, which gives them the idea to do it. It lets strangers see the name of real people on the page, so they don't feel alone and it encourages them to donate as well. And in the case of things like abortion funds, it lessens stigma to vociferously support them.

And I hadn't thought about it that way, honestly. I still won't talk about like... actual dollar amounts... but I do plan to be more open about the charities that I support and how often I support them.

This year I donated to Immigration Equality, Philabundance, Dysautonomia International, HIAS Philadelphia, a few different local community fridge projects, RIP Medical Debt, Feeding Texas, the Native American Disability Law Center, a few local abortion funds, a gofundme to help evacuate disabled Ukrainians, the Nationalities Service Center of Philadelphia, the National Parks Service, RAICES, the Philly Zoo, World Central Kitchen, and various disaster relief charities. (As in, direct response to temporary disaster relief funds.)

If you'd like to know more about any of those organizations, I would be more than happy to give you more information so you can support them as well. They're all causes I believe in, so I want to help get the word out about them however I can, even if uh. Honestly this might be the part of this post that feels the most awkward for me to write. It really goes against everything I've been taught, but I don't want my need for privacy to outweigh their ability to fundraise. : /

5. I will be better about replying to people.

This one feels self-explanatory. :')

That said, I'm gonna go eat dinner now and... not reply to the asks that are in my inbox now.

(THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS...)

aaaanyway yeah those are the five things I'm gonna try to work on in the coming year! None of them are things that can be fixed in a year and none of them are things that will change the world but like. I want to be happier. I want to let myself be happier. I want to be a kind person, a person who is patient with others' faults, and I think I need to start including myself in that.

:')

[nexility-sims]

What stories (on simblr or otherwise) have inspired yours?

ooh ! me, seeing this ask and immediately forgetting every book i’ve ever read or movie i’ve ever seen—! i’m so sorry, but i’m a wordy bitch who foams at the mouth anytime anyone asks me anything about my story. i got carried away, but ... y’all can keep scrolling adshkfldsff

okay, i’ve said before that the direct inspiration to make a simblr story came from @historicalsimslife​​ and @thegrimalldis​​. i can’t remember how i found either of them, but they each showed me respectively that 1) simblr storytelling was a thing, and 2) royal stories can be way more compelling than irl royals would lead you to believe, lmao. so, i decided to give storytelling a go, and eventually i also wanted to try the royal setting, based on reading alyssa’s work. i do believe that that @warwickroyals​​ motivated me to embrace being critical of monarchy as a concept and to also embrace ... how to say this ... i guess those grittier, dysfunctional plot lines that take more care to do well. ayanna makes it seem effortless tho ??? hmph. oh, and my original inspiration for the bancrofts whose legacy feeds into this story is ... the vanderbilts. :^)

in terms of my story itself, beyond the premise ... i draw inspiration from life stories ! rowena is heavily inspired by alice roosevelt and barbara hutton. marginally, also wallis simpson. alfonso is kind of an archetype i write often, but i can’t put my finger on where the inspiration for that type originally came from. why is macbeth coming to mind. rip. macbeth is a general influence for me, as a person, who thinks of stories. he also gives off Hot Man™ vibes, maybe on account of the sword-swinging and anguish. anyway......

beatriz is inspired partially by everything i wanted from daenerys targaryen and didn’t get ! i feel like songs have actually formed her in large part, too: a chunk of halsey’s album, if i can’t have love, i want power; lorde’s “yellow flicker beat,” valerie broussard’s “a little wicked,” and more recently, florence + the machine’s “king.” there’s a little bit of wednesday addams mixed in, too, probably. with both her and zuriñe, i am fully indulging my love for women who are Bad™ and don’t apologize for it. i’ve always been captivated by ostensible villains with whom you’re made to sympathize, both as a storytelling challenge and as a type of character. matriarch made of steel. heart of coal. selfishness that dresses up as selflessness. let her have power. she earned it. 

anyway, my ever-present inspiration for “romance that interests me personally,” generally, comes from layla and majnun on one hand—i will cry a thousand tears just reading quotes from it, smh—and catherynne valente’s deathless on the other. i guess that translates to “we are fucked, in every sense” and “we’re all suffering, beautifully and endlessly.”

i’ve had a dramatic, dysfunctional life myself, so .... honestly, i think i gravitate toward stories that let me explore that and give me control over it. i suspect it’s why i used to prefer films that didn’t have happy endings (somehow, the pandemic changed my media consumption habits, so now i binge watch shows i’ve seen a dozen times instead of seeking out whatever depressing drama netflix recommends). it’s probably why i like villains who aren’t one-dimensional evil but who hurt people they love for reasons they can’t fully explain. i disagree with the idea that “evil” is boring just because it’s more mundane than we like to think, but i do believe writing goodness—especially the mundane kind—is also incredibly difficult because it’s just as complex as badness. i’m off topic. rip 2x. 

i love world-building, and i don’t see enough stories—especially in this corner of simblr—that are ... not so “western,” so reflective of the colonial world, i guess? i live here in my real life, i study it for a living, let me go elsewhere !!!!!  i don’t expect that of anyone, to be clear, but ... as an ~indigenous person~, i just wanted to explore a place where the worldviews and beliefs are anti- or decolonial, or maybe simply were never colonized at all. it’s hard to do that, but it excites me as much as the character development i discussed above. i can’t say i’m doing it well or whatever, but i try to think of this aspiration as the guiding light or motivation for my choices. 

to the nuts and bolts, when i decided to write this story, i was learning about the history of modern mexico—specifically, the porfiriato and the revolution—so that influenced the setting. i have some mixed feelings about the latin american inspiration since i’m not latina myself, but ... i guess i hope it’s both fictional enough to not seem exploitative and appropriately respectful when i borrow things directly, like names. it’s why i try to keep the naming conventions for people and places internally consistent, for example. if i use indigenous words, there’s from a particular set of places. in essence, the choice comes from a place of admiration and solidarity, which i say w/ deep sincerity. there’s also my interest in medieval iberia with its portuguese and spanish cultures as well as the islamic influences of the period. that’s totally more for aesthetics and naming, tho, but i do take inspiration for the political drama from “modernization” struggles in mexican history. 

so, uh, in summary, let’s say i was inspired by what black panther was trying to do with wakanda but in the western hemisphere LMAO 

[kvnghs-archive]

just gotta have a lil real dump here for a min.

i don’t feel very wanted/needed on this platform anymore.  it feels like my ideas and muses have run their course and no one is interested in what i have to offer.  conversations to start the most basic and simple plots are often one-sided, ending before they even begin, or just left on read with nothing to ever come of it.  i need to discuss plots, characters, etc in order to even have the motivation to be here to write, and i’m not getting much of that anymore (unless i write a specific canon male character on a solo blog, but we’ve learned our lesson there).  when i started here, regardless of who i was writing (canon or oc) i would always get random questions about my muses in the inbox.  just dumb little things that people were interested in — what’s their shampoo smell like? do they sleep with the closet door open?  socks on or off at night?  simple things...ya know?  that makes such a difference to me, that someone thinks my silly little muse is interesting enough to know some funny little facts about them.  now it just feels like people are only in search of a plot device to insert into their story and not the actual character they’re writing against.  i want to know about your muses.  i want you to tell me their morning routine, i want to know the dumb little things my muse would know too.  i crave the interaction the rpc is no longer giving out freely like it once did.  

i am slow, and i very much understand that, but the reason i am so slow is because the rpc as a whole is failing.  people have decided it’s not worth reaching out anymore because they’re being ignored, the elitism and cliques are once again getting out of hand with the drama, and it’s just kind of a sad place to be when you’re not in one of those cliques.  especially you 30-somethings out here trying to start drama with kids like it’s high school...but that’s a whole different and very long post for another time.  anyway, what used to be an escape to enjoy with people in my hobby is kind of just a depressive place to be now.  i don’t feel the excitement for my muses, i don’t feel like people are here to learn anything about my muses, and i’m very much starting to feel like a pity party.  while i am fully away this is also my bad mental health speaking, at the same time it’s also not.  

edited*  what happened to the support the rpc once had?  is it only applicable if you have the correct aesthetics and use the prettiest graphics?  i can’t use photoshop very well, but i like to think i can write okay, so why do my graphics dictate how you see me as a writer?  i don’t care if your promo is pretty, i want to support you so i’m going to reblog it.  the rpc is not as supportive as it once was and you cannot tell me otherwise.  i rarely see promos cross my dash ( mine have less than 10 notes, and it’s me and like one other person most of the time...it literally hurts my feelings to spend time on something that gets completely ignored and i am not sorry about that ), people aren’t commenting and communicating as much as they once were, and i think it’s completely skewing the rpc as a whole.  the same goes for edits, is it hard to like a post someone spent time on?  you can unlike it later if you need to clean your likes, but sometimes people just like to be acknowledged for something they’re excited about.  i have been so excited to post something like an edit or what i thought was interesting about my muse, or just fun that other people might think was cool, to only be met with crickets on the other side.  it’s disheartening and not what the rpc is supposed to be about.

i’m complaining to myself as well, because i’ve stopped being as interactive with the dash as i once was.  but as i said before, after time and time again of being shut out, ignored, and even blocked after speaking to someone...can you really blame people for no longer reaching out?

anyway, sorry if you came in to read this.  i’ve been very much struggling here, and thought making harley would help, but it’s only further solidified that feeling.  i’m really trying to navigate around it, but i’m not even sure where to start with people anymore.  like i’m almost afraid to even reblog things from people anymore because they’re so adamant about reblogging everything from the source, not messaging first, and not even following them first like?  isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing here?  idk, the rpc has lost its luster and i really miss the community we used to have here.

so anyway...if you’d like to talk about our muses, plots, etc, i’ll do my best to ask random questions, send asks, make edits, and all that jazz as long as it isn’t one-sided.  my ims, ask, and disco are always available though i do miss (or just never get) notifications sometimes so don’t hesitate to boop me.  i’d just love to find some more writing partners to bounce ideas back and forth with.  i have either lost contact with most of mine over the years or they stopped writing all together unfortunately. :/

disco: shiny shitbag ✨#6427

[dragonofthestone]

Get To Know Me

Tagger: Taken from @bidotheuncanny

Name: Dragon

Pronouns: She or They is fine

Most Active Muses?- Even counting my other blogs honestly Tim - (Trying to boot the others to be more active heh)

RP PET PEEVES

My knee jerk reaction is just to like point to my friends/fellow rpers and go "What they said" lol since quite frequently honestly things I'll see others bring up I pretty much tend to agree with (to some degree or another)

Like if you are looking for hyper specfic personal peeves can't say anything comes to mind beyond the more I guess Common/expect.

God modding,

mis/lack of communication, which look hands up and full admittance been on both sides at times and I get it. It's hard. I fully acknowledge my own flaws and failings in that area. I feel like I've improved but there's always room to be better and I'm trying to be. I Want to be and do better.

and by no means am I even expecting like perfect communication either just gotta try your best ^.^ No judgement here.

LEVEL OF RP EXPERIENCE

So.. so much, been doing this for so long. At times it doesn't feel like a lot and I realize I'm probably just way to harsh of a judge on myself, but I also just always no that although I've come very far from my earliest rp beginnings there's still so much I can improve on and hope to improve on you know.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT?

Honestly pretty open to anything, From light hearted fun to more complex feelings and situations. Gimme it all. Not generally one for smut (That would actually involve this man gets in a relationship first lol) but like if someone was interested I'd be open to at least discussing things but generally not my thing, not something I'd initiate you know- find most other scenarios far more fun to explore anyway.

He's a very versatile lad most of the time.

PLOTS OR MEMES?

Both. Love em both, I have had great stuff come off from just playing around in memes but plotting can be a lot of fun too, doesn't even have to be deep plotting, the plotting could simply consist of yelling "Hey what if X happened" or something you know. Plotting def can help build and move things you know especially if you're stuck, but I've had a lot of fun with memes and otherwise just winging it you know

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES?

Again both. Really depends, sometimes I want to do something lengthy but can only manage short and quick other times I plan on short and then it gets long you know (and if it means in terms of feelings on receiving I'm cool with both I don't expect for someone to always be able to write the same amount as me - so long as its enough for us both to work with is all cool)

TIME TO WRITE?

*shrug* Never timed myself, can be pretty quick and I always feel awful when I let things sit- ngl also can be more motivated to reply based on if the person is online, if friend is online I just wanna rp faster (no so much because I expect a response just brain goes brrrr knowing they'll be on to see it at the very least and just excited cause friend you know )

Or does it me what time do I write at? Idk anytime in the day usually evenings tho.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE?

Maybe?? Like not intentionally made to be like me but I can't say there aren't some elements taken from me / my own personal experience sorta but I'd still say we are far more different then alike

TAGGING:

Whoever wants to go forth, you see it do it ^.^

[th3-art-of-dying]

Prayers of a non-believer

Introduction

I am not affiliated with, nor do I adhere to, or believe in, the system of any established religion or group that deals with ideas involving death, the afterlife, or the like. This does not mean that I am without beliefs or ideas on the subject. Ideas are something of which I am in no short supply. I like to think of my belief system, as I am sure most people do, as the one most likely to be true, as depressing as it can be.

First, let me say this, there is One Shining fact above all facts, and it is this, none of us really knows for sure. No one knows exactly what happens after death in regards to the soul. Anyone who says otherwise, to be blunt, is lying or confused. All of the books that you hear about out there, written by people claiming to have either spoken to God or having some spiritual, out of body experience which gave them a vision of Heaven or Hell or, in some cases, teleported them to heaven or Hell, are either lying to get attention or to make profit or they are simply delusional. If a person honestly believes that they had an experience in which they visited hell for a brief period of time, they have experienced some sort of hallucination, or perhaps, there exists some other scientific explanation for the occurrence they are describing. However, no one has gone to hell or seen hell or heaven or spoken to Jesus because, frankly, none of those things are real. I realize this is not exactly the most popular opinion, However, I do respect the right of every man to believe whatever it is he chooses to believe and would ask that you do the same for me. If at this point you are offended, I would suggest you do not continue this session of reading and move on to a different page or post. It does not get any better after this.

So why am I saying all of this anyway? What reason could I possibly have for reigning on everyone's eternal parade? Honestly, I have asked myself this very same question many times. If this belief that I have is true, why would I want to tell anyone and bring them into the same darkness that I am in? If ignorance is bliss then surely knowledge is a torment So why would I want to subject others to the same torment that I myself endure? It took me a while to figure it out myself, but after a long time of pondering the question, I finally realized what it was. The more I think about it, talk about it and write about it, the more I seem to form a clear understanding inside of my head on the subject. At least from my perspective.

There are many elements to my system of beliefs all of which are inner-connected in some way or another. All things are relative, but there are dots I have yet to connect, connections I have yet to make, but each time I write about it I discover a new connection or think of a new idea. So I keep going. If truth be told I am searching and will likely always be searching for a full understanding of a thing I am likeky not meant to fully understand. I'm searching for the truth and I have no time for anything less, even if the truth is horrifying. A secondary motivation for this search, if I'm honest , which looms in the back of my mind, as I do my best to try to ignore it, is the idea that I could be wrong. If I am wrong and I express this wrong idea to the world, perhaps a more enlightened individual or entity will come along and lead me from darkness into light. This may seem crazy but you did read the title of my page did do not?

This is not an invitation for all of you Christians out there to start barraging me with lines about Jesus dying for my sins and all that nonsense. I was a theology major and it's more likely than not that I know more about the Bible than the pastor of your church. Not bragging, just saying and no offense but when talking to a Christian about spiritual matters, I find that more often than not, the conversation is far from logical. I will not delve into this topic for many reasons, all I'm saying is, spare me.

The whole purpose of this series is to share my true unfiltered struggles in life. The search for answers being one of my biggest battles. The only way to truly portray the turmoil within, is to illustrate things as they are. At times I find myself in very dark places mentally. I may have very dark or offensive ideas that will be portrayed I may illustrate a scene which could be disturbing to some or a conversation with the idea of a particular God that may greatly offend you These articles may be deeply depressing displays of ideas or content However they may not exactly reflect my coherent beliefs precisely due to the state of mind I may be in at time being described. So please, keeap that in mind. I simply wish to share without sensor. I would ask that you do not judge me too harshly, however, It is not my place to tell you what to do. So, in closing, I can say I feel I cannot prepare you any better than I have so good luck and thank you truly for reading and as always much love to you all.

[madoradin]

I am not a good partner

I've decided to start blogging about my journey processing all the things that happened in my previous relationship, how my own past traumas pertain to those actions and outcomes, and what lessons I can take away from those outcomes to move forward with my life. I am doing this because:

I still feel the need to be heard

The act of writing it out helps me process my thoughts

I want to practice my writing and prose

In light of all the gaslighting, I need a way to sort out the reality from fiction

But while a lot of this is going to focus on the ridiculousness and sometimes insanity of my ex's actions, I don't want this blog to be in any way an absolution of my own shitty choices and actions throughout our relationship. Thus this first post serves as a reminder that I was not by any stretch a perfect partner, nor was I solely the victim. To be perfectly clear, I am not in any way, shape, or form excusing my own actions. I will be reflecting on my own shortcomings and how they contributed to the overall failure of my relationship and the lessons I can take from the situation moving forward.

To that end, I have provided a list in no particular order of my own shortcomings. Most of these I brought into the partnership, and some of them I bring into my relationships and interactions with people in general.

I'm lazy. This stems from my overall issues with lack of motivation and lack of discipline which, although I am making progress, I still struggle with to this day. I procrastinate when there are chores to be done, I'll be on Reddit or Instagram or playing games when I could be playing with the dog more often or otherwise doing anything else that's productive. This is probably a large part of why I was never fully trusted with the puppy. Despite being fully capable of accomplishing a task when needed, I will often not start it unless told to. This has been a thorn for my entire life. For example, I have fully proven myself capable of maintaining my physical fitness to a point where I could run half marathons on a whim but absent any consistency in self-motivation and self-discipline, I am content to sit on the couch all day and gain 30 pounds over the course of the pandemic.

I stonewall. Or give the silent treatment. Whatever the term, I have this tendency to shut down during conflict and simply retreat into myself and throw up walls until I can process my own emotions around the matter. And I am absolutely shit at conveying that I need space or time or a break. Often times it's simply an unwillingness or inability for me to convey what it is that's upsetting me. Again, this is something I struggle with constantly and the fact that Tracey was remarkably ill-suited (elaborated in a later post) to assist my struggle with this does not absolve me of my failures to get a handle on it. Put another way, in doing this I hurt the people I care about and that is entirely on me.

I have no direction/desires/goals/etc. This is something I'm currently working on now that circumstances have forced me into a situation where I must. But I was content in doing whatever other people wanted. I was fine coasting at my dead-ish end job and living in my condo in the city forever. But I was equally fine with moving to wherever Tracey's whims took her and adopting all the lifestyle changes that would entail. On some level, I still believe this speaks to my adaptability and openness to new experiences, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However I can also see this is as a result of spending my entire childhood being told my desires didn't matter. I can fully understand the perspective that we were not really forging a life together but she was simply living her life and I was along for the ride. I did not do anything with any intention or deliberateness of my own. Having to truly look within myself to figure out what I wanted to do with my career/life was incredibly daunting and the anxiety of it had me stuck in a rut making very little progress for several months.

I don't have a concept of emotional labour. Well, I do, but something prevents me from taking it seriously and addressing it in a partnership. This may be typical of many relationships where one person is fully capable of doing everything needed to maintain the relationship... as long as they are told to do it. I can take out the trash, I can mow the lawn, I can train the dog, but I'm not going to do any of these unless I've been explicitly told to. This, of course, puts a lot of burden on the individual who has to plan everything and do all the "scheduling" so to speak. The dog is a touchy subject which I will elaborate in a later post, but I should be fully able to take out the trash when I see it is full or dig out the lawnmower when I see the grass is overgrown. I didn't, though, and that's most definitely a dick move on my part.

Corollary to points 1, 3, and 4, I don't think about things. That's not to say I'm incapable of thinking about things. But my default state is that my brain is off and in hibernation, unwilling to process things more complex than cat videos or Zack Snyder movies. If I am asked or otherwise forced to, I can absolutely reason the shit out of all the abstract life questions one could ask themselves. The problem is that I have to be asked. And I need to be directed. In hindsight, I honestly believe that if I had earnestly applied the critical thinking I know I am capable of to our relationship dynamic (and if I weren't so content to coast on the status quo a la point 3) that our relationship would have ended ages ago, before I even moved to Sechelt. But then I would never have learned the lessons that I did. And as a catch 22, I would never have discovered enough details to realize that the end of our relationship was a good thing.

I don't share. Call it stoicism, call it toxic masculinity, call it introversion. I just tend not to volunteer details of my life, thoughts, or feelings. It's something I'm also trying to work through, albeit a lower priority than most of the issues I have mentioned above. I can most definitely see how it makes it hard for others to connect with me, whether that be friends or someone who is supposed to be my life partner.

There you have it. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but they are ones I have tried to maintain awareness of and have kept at the forefront of my consciousness. It's entirely possible I'll discover even more as I continue to examine my relationships, my actions, and my motivations. As I continue on this journey, I will do my best to circle back to these aspects of myself and how the lessons I have learned can (hopefully) help me face all of these demons.

[bakugouisabitch]

i never wanted to use tumblr as something like a journal but i’m writing this to let my thoughts out cause keeping them bottled up isn’t doing me any good as it’s currently 5am and i’m in tears

Yesterday was my last day of a two week vacation i managed to get for myself in which i decided to not travel anywhere and spend all of my 14 days at home to dedicate myself into creating “content” for this fandom. As it turns out during the first week i managed to update an old fic and i managed to do some sketches as well but - unfortunately as it turns out, most of the time of my wasted vacation i spent just despairing for myself and lying awake at night . wondering what am i doing wrong because of the total LACK of reaction i got everywhere. Ik fandom is not everything in life but i like to see it as a little place where you can hide and dive-in when real world gets too much. After you’ve “touched some grass” you like to come home to something sheltering and - like in ygo’s case - even something reminding me of childhood. This fandom didn’t allow me to feel like that. I can genuinely feel how nobody CARES if my presence is even there or not. I can see how no one gives a fuck if i am gonna contribute somewhere or not or how little attention they pay whether i am around or not. Just a general LACK of care - even the slightest form of approach would have sufficed but there was barely any - has been making me feel depressed. It’s making me feel like i’m the stupid nerd at school who gets laughed at because i’m so invested into something while everyone else is just here for shit and giggles and taking the piss of the characters/shows i like. If i start writing something resourceful, meta/hcs abt the show/character, no one bats an eyelid. Unless you’re not ironic to some degree or you don’t approve of old hcs/thoughts that have been shared far too many times already, you’ll only hear crickets. This fandoms sucks. And I know i’m sounding like a complete idiot making a post like this but i don’t have much left to lose. No one is going to care anyway might as well pour it out so THANK YOU for proving to me that all my work sucks and no, you can’t convince me otherwise atp. THANK YOU for removing any form of motivation in me to carry on with any of my ongoing projects. And THANK YOU for making me waste my vacation for nothing. That was really helpful for my mental state. As if i didn’t feel like time is slipping from my hands already, I will be going back to work fully motivated for sure now. 🙂🔫

I’m sorry for those 2/3 ppl who cared abt a continuation of any of my projects i’m abandoning but i’m really forcing myself to get invested into other stuff because this is really slowly depressing me. And it’s not good for me. And sorry for sounding so dramatic. If you won’t hear of me at least you know why.

[illuminatingnun]

7. 12. 2021

Exam season is upon us and is crushing me like nothing else. I've already had two exams and passed both of them (destrezas de español and Women and Private life in Antique Greece) and have one from Chapters of artesanal crafts next week. ft. fried rice with broccoli and pickled ginger.

Because I didn't have time to do this these past few days, the answers are under the cut. Take care🌱

Day twenty:

Give yourself some love today! Post a picture of yourself or your favourite outfit and tell us five things you love about yourself!

Uhhhh I don't like to share pics of myself but I really love this one (taken by a friend):

Počúvadlo in winter ft my pipe

Well, five things - I can sleep anywhere, I can cook and bake pretty decently and that makes me happy, I can do some crafts, I try hard to be good enough and a little vanity at the end - I really like the way I look in historical clothing

Day twenty-one:

Do you ever question your worth? What do you do to get out of this mindset? Do you feel like questioning your worth is a universal feeling?

I do, just as I think that everyone does at some point. The older I get, the less I do it, thought. I've slowly come to realize that are many way one can look at themselves and see their worth. Hell, when my mother was my age, she had finished uni, was expecting me and lived a fully independent life. My grandmothers - one had the red diplom (meaning she had the best grades and was very successful in academia) and the other had lived a truly moved life, left her home country, was married, had children, and already had been on her own for almost five years. And I sit here, happy that finally found a job, am mostly healthy and can study without any familial obligations. And even if I wasn't doing anything - my worth doesn't come from my grades, from my looks or anything. I live, I breathe, I laugh and cry - I'm a human, a living being, and that alone gives me worth that cannot be taken from me.

Oh and I just make some tea (tea is always the answer), mentally slap myself, eat something, take a shower and go the heck to sleep.

Day twent-two:

Where do you feel most at peace?

On the flood barrage by my village - during autumn evenings it's beautiful, you can see the river and lake, the fields and wild geese fly overhead. It's quiet and the air is gently biting and I feel untouchable, as if I were in my own private bubble of "grandmother's summer".

Day twenty-three:

Do you feel like there are certain books whether classics or otherwise, that you just don't "get"? Share your unpopular book or reading opinions.

Uhhhh Lazarillo. Good lord. I'm starting to hate it every day more. Same goes for Celestina, but I hated that one from start.

But also, I believe it's good and necessary to read fucked-up and disgusting books. If nothing else, they make you think and looking into yourself. Tbh I don't have much to say and have basically no energy and a lot of stuff to do

Day twenty-four:

Send love to your top three favourite study or book blogs, and write down something you love about each of them!

Okay, I'm not very social in this group (but would love to be!!! So feel free to interact more or just shoot me a message), so I will only name two (and for both of you - for some reason you feel very comforting??):

@the---hermit - I love your consistency and motivation, as such I look up to you

@mossy-studies - konečne dakto od nás and that makes me unbelievably happy

Day twenty-five:

What mindset do you put yourself in to be the most successful version of yourself? What mantras do you tell yourself to find motivation?

Usually it's just a deep breath and the realisation that if I don't do it now, it will come and bite me in the ass sooner or later. To be honest, at this time in my life I'm just trying to push through and do my best.