#because then it turned into 'just get $20 worth of stuff from dollar tree just use it all up'

[kawaiianimeredhead]

A woman at work who is very big on party planning and so good at it is working on setting up a work party for a coworker but she has an appointment at 9a so she asked me for help which is very nice but she started it by asking if I could get balloons and then went "how many balloons you think you can fit in your car? 20?"

And like I'm sorry, ma'am but I have never in my life needed to know that information and 20 sounds like a lot of balloons...

[6knotty6thotty6]

So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck: 

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late! 

[onisiondrama]

(Note: I’m not repeating stories he’s told before and just putting them in parenthesis. I have a lot more videos to go until I’m caught up so that would save me a lot of time. If he gives details I never heard from him before, I will type those.)

[Sorry if this one isn’t coherent. I could not focus on this video for the life of me. It took me three days to get through lol.]

“Don't Trust Anyone” September 23, 2020 - Speaks

Says he wants to make a quick video on why no one should ever trust anyone. [The video is over 40 minutes long 😭]

He wanted to play hero and white knight by giving people he wanted to help things to make their lives better. He’s given thousands of dollars worth of stuff: flat screen TVs, thousand dollar airfares. Males, females, people in their 20′s, 30′s 40′s, etc. People who have met him in person say he’s a generous guy.

Says he gave his mother a quarter of a million dollar house and it destroyed their relationship. He says it showed him the house is more important to her long term. He told her she got the house for free and she said it cost her her relationship with him. He asks why she was letting a house that was given to her for free cost their relationship. He says he offered to buy the house back and she didn’t want to sell it even though it was free. He says he needs a place to film. He says Onision videos aren’t coming back because of his mom.

He doesn’t value his life and he doesn’t have a lot of will to live, that’s why he doesn’t have a filter and tells you how he really is. People play a game to get more respect and money, but he just doesn’t want to exist.

He says there’s at least 10 people he’s given $10,000 of stuff to.

He lived in a laundry room and was on food stamps because his mom was a single mom. He says when people says “it’s only money”, he thinks your a privileged pampered jerk. He says it means a lot to him when someone donates $5 on twitch. He says twitch takes half so he only gets $2.50. [This is really funny when you compare it to the shit he used to say to his fans when he was making over a million a year and the shit he said to them when they wouldn’t pay for the Onision channel when he made it pay to view only.]

He says he gave Cyr food and camera equipment. (Cyr and his gf story.)

Says it’s hard to trust Youtubers because the platform rewards drama. He asks if someone is going to take a DM out of context or lie about wanting to be in a sketch or not. Are you going to pretend to be against something because your afraid of being canceled? He doesn’t want to exist in a world like that.

You invest a lot of time and love in something and it turns around and bites your hand off. People do that because you hurt their feelings.

If you’re not an adult and you’re not blood related to him, he’s a jerk to you so everyone knows he wants nothing to do with you. Besides that he’s nice to pretty much everyone except his mom and an independent voter cousin he has. She stormed off with a red face when he laughed in her face at how stupid she is.

Says his director friend who is very professional and worked with a lot of youtubers said to him, “if only people know you for who you are.” He says he presents himself differently online, using a comedic or acting flair. He did this because he wanted to get the message he’s trying to convey and make an impact. He wants people to feel things when they watch him. The idea of Onision is so big and powerful, it’s impossible to get past the illusion.

He doesn’t feel poly right now. He doesn’t want a relationship outside his husband. It’s too socially complicated to keep two people happy and not jealous. (Chris Rock women try to steal your man quote.) People try to rip apart his 8 year long, successful marriage. He implies Kai stays with him and loves him even when they are at odds, that’s a genuine human being and relationship. Other people pretend to like him. (Moderator said she hated him for a year.)

Says he made a video about cuddlegate and another break up they had with Billie. Says she always visited them, flew out for a week or two weeks. He says it was expensive. He says he asked her if those videos were accurate. She said yes. He says those videos weighed in her favor.

When you sever ties with someone because the person was dangerous to your family, the online community doesn’t care. Certain crimes are acceptable to people online like drug abuse, dealing, lie, fraud.

Describes himself as a goody-two-shoes because he’s a former air force cop. Says people don’t like him because he represents authority, the people who dumped you, your dad, the less hip crowd.

Says Billie admitted she lied on video.

He tries to live in the real world, but he deals with people don’t care about justice or objectivity. They only care about feelings. When all you care about is feelings, then anyone that doesn’t want to be your friend is a monster and a criminal.

When someone blocks him on twitter, he thinks they have the wrong idea about him. He doesn’t hate them and think they’re a terrible person. He’s sure if a person has a coherent, civilized conversation with him, they wouldn’t conclude a lot that’s negative.

Says there’s a lot of cancel culture and #metoo hysteria where people focus on people that hurt their feelings. Says there are a lot of valid #metoo too.

He says talking about women’s rights is compensating and being manipulative. He says someone told him he should do that and he saw it on Amazon’s The Boys. There’s no real consequence. Just social consequence like Johnny Depp’s ex.

People lie and are malicious because he rejected him.

People only care about news about accusations about famous people when people are murdered ever day. You say you’re caring and you just want justice, he can’t help but question your priorities.

Says he was recommended an old update video about himself from Mike who worked with Chris Hansen. He didn’t watch it, he pressed uninterested. Says Mike went to actual court for allegedly groping people.

If Batman was truly against bad people, he would lock up the whole city because bad people are everywhere. They vote, lie, and do things to others constantly based on personal gift. Says he was given an amazing gift to tell the truth. Says it might be the suicidal feelings. He wouldn’t do it, but he would press a button to not exist anymore. He says he doesn’t want to hurt people who care about him. Says it’s contagious sometimes.

Says he’s the giving tree, like the book. Says the tree kept giving and it wasn’t appreciated by the person using it.

Says it’s rare for people to kick him out of their life. (Hannah Minx rejected him story) He says he didn’t blame her and that’s how you handle rejection. You say ok and move on. [lol yeah ok buddy] People don’t give him the same decency.

Says he had a Patreon who donated thousands to him. She had a mental breakdown in front of himself and a few other Patreons during a gathering near Boston. [this is about Dev] She didn't feel like they appreciated her for driving them around, but she was the one that invited them. She’s the reason he doesn’t have meet ups anymore. She was a 30-something woman who lost her mind in front of a bunch of 20-somethings and himself. She burned out the clutch of her car out of rage. She told him she just wanted a clean break after, but he says he didn’t care. He thinks she said that because she didn’t want him to talk about what happened. He says that’s a situation where he’s not negative and appreciates the good things she did, donated thousands to him. He was petrified of her. His two Patreon friends witnessed it and they just wanted water bottles.

He doesn’t think he could have a meaningful relationship now after what he’s been through. Most people he kicked out lost their mind after. Says the ex Patreon didn’t lose their mind after. He says she accused him of sleeping with a 24 / 25-year-old while they were there. They were 40 minutes away from having to leave at the airport. It was 4 am and they were up all night. He was exhausted so he went to lay down in the dark. The two patreons were in the other room. But that women still blindly said they slept together. He doesn’t know who would want to have sex with someone you’re not in a relationship with at 4 am before you leave for the airport.

Someone asked him on Only Fans when he’ll sleep with other people for his pictures. He says he doesn’t know because he has to love someone and be in a relationship with them. He doesn’t want to have a relationship with anyone outside Kai because he’s terrified. Any time he gets close to you people you’re a danger to his family or dishonest.

The cops took Shiloh away when he called them on her and people think she’s some kind of hero. Siren on the rocks. They cry victim and they’re really trying to drown you.

(Skye prenup story)

It’s great he has no friends now. He can deal with loneliness and he has a family. He was giving stuff away and getting little back. He’s finally protecting himself.

Says to make people prove themselves before you let them hurt you. Like getting a tattoo, a spray tan, or dying their hair green. Says don’t actually do that to prove yourself to him. He says that will make you look crazy, he wasn’t being literal.

[kachinnate]

these are a few of my faaavorite fics ✨

not that anyone asked for my opinion BUT these are a couple of my… fav deh fics of all time!* they’re all linked to ao3 and i think i have all the authors tagged that i know of that has a tumblr so

*i made this list especially for fics that aren’t, like.. as well known as some of the Popular Fandom Fics, partially bc everyone’s already read them and knows how awesome they are and partially bc otherwise this list would be ten pages long hehe,,, also sorry if you’re seeing this twice, i had to repost bc the links were all broken ?? 

throwing under a readmore bc this is a chunky boy!!!!! keep in mind that these aren’t in any particular order:

in the in-between - chchchchcherrybomb, vinegar-and-glitter (x) [tree bros] – Connor’s turning 27. Evan’s sitting the bar exam. Over and over again. – itsa timeloop au!! i’m not sure if this is a common au or not, but i’ve never read anything else like this before, and ohhhh my god. each chapter is a switch-off from connor’s pov to evan’s pov, and i assume the authors each wrote for one character (?), but oh my god their writing works so well together?? they both have distinct styles and ways of writing but it flows together perfectly,, without spoiling anything, ev and connor’s dynamic in this universe is a lot different to anything else i’ve personally read before, partially because they’re quite a bit older here than in canon (which, while is obviously portrayed, they still are easily recognizable as the characters they are in the musical), and partially because it strays away from the common ‘they’re both misfits/not doing great, but connor is worse for wear and evan has to save him’, which i think is rlly nice.. (also, like, never have i ever considered that evan would want to be a lawyer, but after reading this fic not only am i sold on it but i’m convinced 100% that him being a lawyer could genuinely be fuckin canon) (also also, the evan characterization in this? hands down my favorite out of any fic i’ve ever read tbh) the world building is really incredible too - like, i don’t even want to consider this one a fuckin fic bro because it’s like highkey just this incredible novel?? it also has a completed sequel called it’s always been you (x) that i haven’t finished that takes place after the events of this fic, and so far?? also fucking incredible 15/10 i definitely recommend

lapse - cecropia / @wildflowermonet (x) [tree bros] – “For what it’s worth,” Connor says casually, “I don’t think you should die tonight.” – welcome to another installment of ‘kayla read this and immediately couldn’t think about anything else for a solid consecutive 12 hours’!! evan and connor have really wonderful characterizations in this one too - i’m pretty sure i’ve elaborated on it before but literally my favorite thing is when people actually write evan as more than an anxious kid, and omg this author did that perfectly asfjkdsg - you can see the subtle Growth as he gets more comfortable with connor and jared (and all the other deh characters too bc this fic has a lovely fOUND FAMILY FINISH AT THE END EEE) and it’s just. aaaah. *heart eyes emoji*. it’s set in their senior year, and they form an unsteady friendship and learn to lean on each other and figure out the whole ‘having friends’ thing, midway through evan realizes he’s a-pinin’, it’s just. Great. this fic is relatively new too i think so u def def def should go give it a read and give the author some love!!!!!!!!!!!

to have a friend - demistories / @transanabeth (x) [tree bros] – Pretend to be friends with Connor Murphy, who yells at people and skips class to smoke and pushes people and threw a printer in the second grade, for twenty dollars a week.

Evan closes his hand around the bill and then stuffs it into his pocket.

“I-I’ll do it.” – ok this is one of, if not, the first fic i’ve ever read coming into the fandom, so it of course has a rlly special place in my heart!! it’s a classic ‘fake dating au’, also with switching povs between chapters. connor offers evan 20$ a week to be his fake friend, almost follows through with the events of the musical but doesn’t, finds out about evan’s own attempt, and they just sorta… cope together. it’s a lot of second guessing bc neither of them knows if the other considers the other a friend or not, and ofc when the fake dating part comes in that gets amplified by 10 asdfghj. honestly i think it’s a cooler approach to the fake dating au troupe (the chapter titles are increments of 20$, which honestly is equally cruel as is creative) and is so!! heartwrenching!!! it’s been a while since i’ve read it but i’m pretty sure that i bawled at the twist so >’D

the only thing is that this fic isn’t finished and there isn’t an intention for it to be finished from what i know of(?) - the author included a brief synopsis of the ending to tie loose ends and give a sort of closure to the fic, but that absolutely doesn’t take away from how freaking incredibly written it is and doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a read anyway !! i kept up with it while it was a WIP and honestly every time i got the email notification that it updated i dropped everything to fuckin read that shit 😤😤 when i think of deh fics, this is honestly just one of the first that comes to mind for me just bc it was one of the first ones i’ve read, and it just… was so good that i still think about it months after i read the last chapter safkjasf

no comfort in the truth - @nothingunrealistic (x) [kleinsen] – Like everyone in the world, Evan has the last words his soulmate will ever say to him on his skin.

Evan hears a lot of last words during his senior year. – okay if this were an accurate list i’d literally have every drabble soph has ever written down on here but that is entirely beside the point

literally knowing beforehand that this is a kleinsen fic and then reading the summary, u kno this shit is going to be painful ,, honestly this style is one of my fave fic formats (especially when it comes to writing in the canon deh universe) because like ,, it’s simplistic but works really well as a story-telling method?? not everything has to be perfectly strung together and every day doesn’t have to be written out for it to still convey the same like.. impact as a super long fic would, and honestly writing it in like flashes or snippets makes the build up that much more anticipating? bc again when u write within the events of the musical it’s not like u don’t know what’s going to happen,, u can focus less on worldbuilding bc hey, it’s already done for u, and instead write more indepthly about the topic of the soulmate au!! but uhhh REGARDLESS soph is literally the kleinsen matriarch in my eyes, they always write evan and jared w/ Perfect characterization and dynamics and just Ah! this one is angsty, but it has a v nice and hopeful ending, and i *clutches heart* love,,,

nowhere else i’d rather be:  nosecoffee / @nose-coffee​​ (x) [tree bros] – A fake dating au where they’re next door neighbours, Evan bakes, and Connor’s already a little in love with Evan anyway – this one is a series - the first fic kinda Establishes stuff and the second one gets into the whole fake dating thing!! they live in apartments next to each other, evan bakes for connor, they go campin with connor’s family, it’s just….. rlly sweet and i love it

also, it contains this hilarious bit that i haven’t been able to forget about despite finding this fic months ago:

do me a favour - can your heart rate rise a little? - nosecoffee / @nose-coffee​ (x) [treebros]

an au where the hansen family owns an arcade….. honestly what more can i say?? it’s slowburn and treebros and i p much love everything that nosecoffee has written ever so this is no exception obviously

jared and connor vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known - caswell @techconsigliere , puglebug @puglebug (x) [kleinphy] – Jared is admitted to group therapy following the divorce of his mother from his asshole father. What he doesn’t anticipate is that Connor would be there, too. – THE KLEINPHY CONTENT WE ALL DESERVE BEING PROVIDED TO US BY CJ AND EZRA!!! it’s a one-shot with just enough slowburn to keep you 👀 , jared is working through some stuff and after some fumbling connor is w/ him to help him thru it, the end of this fic has my heart aching the entire way through every time i read it and it’s just… *chefs kiss* (i even drew some fanart for it if you’re ever so inclined)

forever going with the flow, but you’re friction - lizzy_stardust_18 @delightfullyanachronistic​ (x) [band trees] – Zoe knew that of all of the things that her mother had expected from the evening, Evan Hansen showing up at her door with his arms full of her drunken daughter was not one of them. – big bet i wasn’t getting through this list without including fiona’s fics, are u crazy??? BUT this one is set a year (?) after the events of canon, zoe’s at a party and evan finds her, and they talk about stuff n’ things - there’s also a sweet moment in there between zoe and cynthia (in which cynthia is Rightfully Skeptical of evan) which is v wholesome and Refreshing because honestly the murphy parents never get written in a good light and fiona does it ~ perfectly ~. lotsa metaphors. evan and zoe are big dorks. evan is a taylor swift stan. what isn’t there to love

i can’t call you a stranger, but i can’t call you up - lizzy_stardust_18 - @delightfullyanachronistic (x) [kleinsen] – Jared fiddled his thumbs. He wished more than anything that he could move to a different seat, but causing a scene at Heidi Hansen’s wedding reception wasn’t exactly high on his to-do list. Besides, he was an adult. He had a job. He ate ramen only three times a week. He could handle a simple social interaction like a real human being. He was lucky that no one else had found their seats at his table yet. It gave him time to gather his wits about him. He drummed his fingers on the table nervously. – jared and evan are forced to talk after the events of canon via sitting next to each other at heidi’s wedding. they argue a bunch bc jared is still rightfully hurt, they discuss TCP and jared’s treatment of evan over the past couple years, they fight it out and then we learn some jared backstory and then there are tears and it ends on a fluffy + hopeful note!! good shit !!!!

[footstepsofaprairiegirl-blog]

If anyone knows me, they know that I am a very budget traveller, I have slept many nights at the airport just to save on that final night of accommodations, skipped many meals, and usually take the most inconvenient forms of transportation, if it means saving a buck or two, and I think that’s why my trip to LA was so special, because for once, I did the complete opposite.

We had intentions of having a very slow first night in LA, check into our AIRBNB and then head to the iconic Santa Monica Pier to watch a sunset before turning in early, but those plans quickly changed when we hopped into a share Uber and had the absolute pleasure of meeting a local woman named Veronica. Veronica is aspiring to become a travel guide for the area, so we couldn’t have had better luck, she emailed me a very detailed itinerary of what we should try and see during our 4 night adventure.

Kyle and I hopped out at the pier and excitement took over, I am like a child in such a way that when I am excited I just take off, immediately immersing myself into the chaos of the pier with my eyes glued to the sunset that was unfolding in front of us, we took pictures and splashed around until our toes were cold and the sky was dark. We wanted to take Veronica’s advice and head to Cha Cha Chicken, but decided to hop on a bar stool at Bubba Gump Shrimp first, and man oh man am I glad we did. We started with the idea that we were just going to grab some cocktails, but the smells quickly forced our brains to be distracted by the original plan. We needed shrimp and we needed it now, we ended up ordering a half pound of shrimp, half classic garlic and half cajun spiced - a bit spicy, resulting in extra fast cocktail inhalation and a bit of a buzz after settling our bill.

We made our way just down the road toward Venice and hopped out at Cha Cha Chicken, a menu was posted up on the board, and we ordered through a window, I got vegetarian empanadas based on the workers recommendation, and since Cha Cha Chicken doesn’t serve booze, Kyle ran to the liquor store to take advantage of the BYOB rule. Thank goodness for the tall Heineken he brought back because my empanada was so spicy I was sweating, but the food was so good and the atmosphere was so fun, I felt like I was ocean side in Tulum, Mexico, not in busy Los Angeles.

Next on the list was a 100 year old bar called The Townhouse, it was highly recommended due to the history, so we were a little surprised upon arrival as it was very small, a large bar taking up most the space and just one pool table, there was staircase at the back that led to the basement but security told us we weren’t permitted. We gave the place a chance and ordered up at the bar, Kyle getting himself a nice cocktail and myself a tall can of PBR, and started chatting with the bartender. Turns out, The Townhouse was operated as a grocery store upstairs, but an elevator away was a hidden speakeasy and a brothel, and we were in luck, because that night hosted in the basement, was a Burlesque show that everyone was welcome to attend. The show being later in the evening, we had some time to kill before hand so we drank and played pool, and met a cute local girl who was self celebrating her success.

Midnight struck and we moved to the basement, still dark, but much more spacious, you could see the history in the walls and the decor, it’s a beautiful place, and we were so glad we decided to check it out. The show was a highlight for me as I loved watching Christina Aguilera’s Burlesque movie growing up. The host came out dressed like Jabba The Hut and really set the mood for a comical and fun show to watch, we stuck around until around 2 a.m. but I was so tired from the days travel and adventure it was time to head home.

The next day was very food and drink orientated, in order to fulfill Kyle’s nerdy needs, we started with a trip to the California Science Center so we could see The Endeavor - the fifth and final orbiter build for NASA’s Space Shuttle program. It was interesting to see the detail put into building and designing the space shuttle, each tile has been numbered, and every part serving a purpose on it’s 25 missions through space until it officially retired June 1, 2011. The Center was packed with children and school groups so after a quick and hilariously fun flight simulation that Kyle and I went on, we headed toward downtown LA.

Our first stop was Little Tokyo, the largest of only 3 official Japantowns located throughout the United States, Little Tokyo is a Japanese American district filled with shopping, culture, and best of all, my favorite food, sushi. We enjoyed a California crunch roll, and walked around and checked out the funky shops and unique statues and structures.

Next, we headed to Upstairs at Ace Hotel for very expensive, but delicious cocktails, - this is one complaint I would have against this trip, is that our Canadian Dollar is so bad right now, we were paying up to $20 CAD a drink; I didn’t care though. The hotel and rooftop bar were very spectacular, like something you would see on the show Gossip Girl, we were spoiled with wonderful views, a pool and hot-tub that anyone is welcome to enjoy, and very cozy and comfortable seating scattered around the roof for both group, or more private occasions. If it weren’t for our grumbling stomachs, we could have stayed all night.

We decided to let our guts point our hearts in the direction of our next stop, at Clayton’s Public House, it was just a few blocks from The Ace Hotel, and it was another pub with beautiful decor, amazing cocktails, and an amazing ambiance. We had a few beer and ate an Impossible Burger - America’s popular vegetarian patty, and it was to die for; except nothing died to make it so delicious, so I guess that’s not the right term! Basically, we had came here just to kill time until we went to Clifton’s - another stop recommended by Veronica - but I ended up loving Clayton’s Public house so much and would definitely recommend it for the food, drinks and service!

Our final stop of the night made our jaws drop, a beautiful, huge space filled with fake cedar trees rising up to the 5 floors, taxidermy forest animals such as lions and buffalo, and a casual 250 pound meteorite used as decor at one of the many bars filling Clifton’s Cafeteria. Being that Clifton’s Cafeteria is the largest public cafeteria in the world, there was so much to see, our eyes were trying to look everywhere at once and our smiles beaming as we turned every corner. Our best find of the night, was when we pushed against a mirror, and it opened, revealing a dark staircase, and at the top was a Tiki bar!

In the Tiki bar, most of the seats were taken, but we found an empty table that was close to a party of three, since they looked friendly, we popped down beside them, and as it turned out, we had the best seat in the house. The three strangers, Val, Taylor and Mac, were literally tiki experts, they knew everything about the decor, how to dress, and most importantly - what to drink. We spent the duration of the evening trying their recommendations that included typical things like coconut and pineapple cocktails, and some wild ones that included flaming shot glasses and edible flowers. We could have stayed at Clifton’s Cafeteria with the trio all night, but we needed our beauty sleep for our big day to follow.

We knew as soon as we planned the trip, that we wanted to go to an amusement park, a Disney park was the first, and obvious choice, but we had so many questions, were we too old, was it worth the money, are the rides even fun for an adult? We tried to google the answers but we didn’t have much luck, and felt very unsure about what park to choose, we decided that since all the locals were so helpful, we would ask them; unanimously, Disneyland was the place to be.

We were excited -uncertain, but really childishly excited, I tried to imagine what the park would be like, I pictured roller-coasters, a drop of doom, ferris wheels, - that sort of stuff, so when we got on our very first ride, we were in for a shock; It’s A Small World, the ride I vow to never go on again. The song still rings in my ears sometimes, the creepy dolls that were swaying back and forth are now imbedded in my brain, “what have we gotten ourselves into?” It crushed our spirits a little, we were worried that all the other attractions would be slow and weird too, but faith was quickly restored as we started going on other rides, like Hyperspace Mountain, my favourite ride of the day, a rollercoaster that races through the complete darkness, engulfed with green screen visuals that made it appear we were flying through the solar system. Although not fast and scary, like Hyperspace Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones Adventure were amazing as well,  they were interactive and exciting rides, very elaborate and visual, making you feel like you were part of the film, my head was on a swivel the entire time, and Kyle thought we were going to run into a boulder during the Indiana Jones ride, giving us a good laugh. The highlight of Disneyland was the shows they put on once the sun goes down, fireworks and lasers filled the night sky and bounded off buildings as characters danced, acted, and swung off the side of pirate ships, mimicking stories and films, it was beyond our expectations, and I would go back again just to watch the two performances.

Our last day in LA was a bit slower since we were up till 3 am stuffing our faces with pizza and beer after walking 40,000 steps around Disneyland. We went to the Hollywood Walk of Fame, The Griffith Observatory, and to relax at the beach before heading to Grain Whisky bar to meet up with Taylor, our new friend from the Tiki Bar, we ate a 70 dollar charcuterie board and tried some of Taylor’s delicious cocktail creations, before heading home to pack, and rest up for our flight home.

I cannot emphasize enough how amazing it was visiting Los Angeles, it was exhilarating to have the “screw it” mentality when it came to spending, we did everything we wanted and more without checking our bank accounts once, we ate everything delicious, and tried new and exciting cocktails, and made new friends.

Money comes and goes, but the memories from this trip will last a lifetime.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

HERE'S WHAT I JUST REALIZED ABOUT FRACTION

I could probably tell you exactly what he said. The ones who keep going are driven by something else. It The second reason we tend to think of intelligence as inborn is that people working for money, and it seemed to hinge on a different quality. It seems odd to be surprised. Surely that sort of thing should have been online. The search space is too big. But they're not dangerous. So when do you approach VCs? Math, for example, will cheerfully work 20-hour days to produce the Apple computer for a society that allows them, after taxes, to keep just enough of their income to match what they would have seemed in, say, New York Times front page. Earlier this year I wrote something that seemed a small and uninteresting area—experimental error, even—turns out, when examined up close, to have a solid core of features, and a pen. We know now that Facebook was very successful, but put yourself back in 2004. In a feudal society, there are other ways to arrange that relationship.

Traditionally the student is the audience, not the smart ones. But here too we see the same gap between Raymond Chandler and the average level of what they're saying is actually convincing, because they've all been trained to. So subtract a third from 16. You don't have to work directly on customers' nasty little problems makes you stupid. When you travel to a rich or poor country, you don't really understand them. Which usually means that you have to do an angel round before going to VCs. I know a lot of small, inexpensive computers before the Mac. In this case, n is. And so in starting a startup, managing them is one of the most important tool to a hacker like having one's brain in a blender.

I use the cheapest plastic Bic ballpoints, partly because their gluey ink doesn't seep through pages, and partly because the harder the subject, the more prominent the angel, the less energy you have left is worth more than the language you choose. They've tried hard to make their offices less sterile than the usual cube farm. Google is the most dangerous company now by far, in both the good and bad senses of the word, Bill Gates was writing something he would use, as were Larry and Sergey making the rounds of venture capital firms in the 1990s, several told us that software companies didn't win by writing great software, but through brand, and dominating channels, and TV and radio channels. I think we were designed to eat a certain amount. Nothing shows more clearly that employment is not an ordinary economic relationship than companies being sued for firing people. I think founders will increasingly be able to show the experiment worked. 94 x 1. It's arguably an instance of the Dunning-Kruger effect. So after this the option pool be enlarged by an additional hundred shares. Most recipes for wisdom or intelligence.

But apparently hackers are particularly curious, especially about how things work.1 The idea that a successful person should be happy has thousands of years of momentum behind it. Live by the channel, die by the channel: if you want to encourage kids to come up with startup ideas is to ask yourself, before buying something, is this going to make my life noticeably better? A programming language is a medium of expression. One of the worst kinds of projects are the death of a thousand cuts. Which puts us in a weird situation: we don't know who our heroes should be. Because VCs invest large amounts, the money might come in several tranches, the later ones subject to various conditions—though this is apparently more common in deals with lower-tier VCs whose lot in life is to fund more dubious startups than with the top firms. Quite the opposite: they created things that made our lives materially richer. What else can we put in there?

Is this the way I'd say this if I were talking to four VCs, told three of them that you accepted a term sheet. But the guys at Google didn't think search was boring, and that's why they do it so well. By definition you can't tell a great hacker? Likewise, though intelligent means something, we're asking for trouble if we insist on looking for a single thing called intelligence. With this amount of money can change a startup's funding situation completely. When they think it's time to raise money from VCs, and Sequoia specifically, because Larry and Sergey making the rounds of all the search engines ten years ago trying to sell the idea for Google for a million dollars in liquid assets or an income of over $200,000. In principle they could have; the king could have invented firearms, then invaded his neighbor. Perhaps great hackers can load a large amount of context into their head, so that when they look at a line of code, they see not just that I accumulated all this useless stuff, but that fraction includes stuff that no one is going to succeed: their traffic and revenue graphs look like a jet taking off. These changes have pushed the cost of starting a startup. Who could have guessed that the company Wozniak and Jobs started in their spare time selling plans for microcomputers would yield one of the big successes? And so in starting a startup.2

But a programming language isn't just a format. The iPhone isn't so much a phone as a replacement for a phone. No one complains when a few people in a company the founders could just walk away from. Sometimes if you just ask that question you'll get immediate answers. In conflicts, those on the winning side would receive the estates confiscated from the losers. You don't have to look at, if we want to get real work done in an office with cubicles, you have to have a habit of questioning assumptions. Live by the channel, die by the channel: if you depend on an oligopoly, you sink into bad habits that are hard to overcome when you suddenly get competition. One is that being mean makes you fail. But after a while I learned the trick of speaking fast. Whereas a two year old company raising a series A round from Sequoia. And the harder a scene is to parse, the less you can afford to let language get in the way a tree grows over barbed wire. United States in 1974, on.

Notes

His critical invention was a company he really liked, but one way to make a living playing at weddings than by you based on revenues of 1. Stiglitz, Joseph. What should you even working on what people will give you money for. He wrote If a conversation—maybe not linearly, but less than a tenth as many per capita income in England in 1750 was higher than India's in 1960.

But politicians know the electoral vote decides the election, so I have no idea what most people haven't noticed yet.

[keepingupwithfundies]

Bringing Up Bates Season 7 Episode 14: Beach Blanket Bachelorette

It the Bates 100th Episode and they are excited to show us behind the scenes extras as well as Tori’s Bachelorette and Bobby moving out of the camper.

it is also over an hour long. brace yourselves

-T 

It’s Fall Break, the perfect time for a Bachelorette party on the beach on the Gulf. All of the sisters are there, including Michael & Alyssa. Whitney couldn’t make it but Carson could, the only boy on the trip.

They arrive at the little beach house Kelly found, it is cute and has a bunch of bedrooms and a little gathering area and a pool. Kelly assigns rooms as they freshen up and head to the marina for a boat ride. They take a tour of the Bay and head towards the ocean. Callie is on the look out for dolphins. On the boat, Kelly, Alyssa and Erin are planning Tori’s wedding. Kelly says they want to do sand instead of candles, which Erin says doesn't fit with the theme. They call Tori over, and she says she will think about it. Tori is tired from driving and just wanted to relax and not talk about the wedding but she is glad they were enjoying it. Allie Jane spots a blue heron and we get the first dolphin spotting. They’re so excited and to watch them. They all yell as the pod of dolphins swims and jumps up for air. A song plays over a montage of the Bates taking in the wildlife and enjoying their boat ride. They stop at sandbar to get off and walk around. Carson and Erin go walk around in the water while the others watch. Erin says she couldn’t leave Carson behind, they do everything together and so he was the only boy on the trip. “He loved it,” she concludes. More girls go walk around as well. Tori says she really enjoyed the boat ride and is looking forward to the rest of the week.

At the commercial, the executive producer talks with GIl and Kelly about how they work together well, a great network, an amazing, entertaining family and a talented crew. He introduces the crew, one gets a shout out for bringing them donuts and another, the new guy, is “single and available” Kelly proclaims. The Bates all laugh and Gil says they are incurable matchmakers.

At the beach house, it is time to walk to the beach. Carson pulls a wagon of beach toys and is so cute. Michael was so happy to be on the beach with her sisters since she hadn’t been able to go since her wedding. There are jelly fish on the beach, Tori warns not to step on them but it turns out to be dead. They get bigger closer to the ocean, and the Bates are worried about getting in because of the jellys. Michael says they’re neat and gets a good look of one.

They sit on a blanket and Kelly asks if Tori has thought about how soon this is.  Tori says she wishes it was sooner. Kelly asks for marriage advice from the sisters. Alyssa: It’s survival of the fittest. There is no advice. Do your best to survive. Erin: I think you will be shocked. You’ve been living in a room with your sisters for 20 years. It’s great, it’s like college life all your life. But then you move in with your husband. It’s so quiet. It’s a big change. In Talking Heads,  Michael says Tori has the same worries every girl goes through, Erin says she destroyed a lot of meals, Chad says it wasn’t that bad but Erin says she once made chicken so hard it was like cardboard. Michael says it is like a roller coaster. Tori tells them about the apartment they found- 900sq ft, two bedroom. Michael says a little place is fun when you first get married. Bobby will move in while they’re on the trip. Michael says this brings back sweet memories of the beginning of her marriage. Kelly jokes they’ll have a party when she gets back from the honeymoon at her apartment.

In TN, Bobby arrives at the big house to recruit some boys to help him move. They head over to the camper first to pack everything up. Warden says Bobby was excited to be moving from the camper to an apartment. They start helping him move stuff out of the camper. Judson says he has a lot of stuff. They arrive at the apartment, which Bobby says they liked the location, in the middle of everything. The guys remark how much bigger it is than the camper as they look around. Gil says when they first got married they could fit everything they owned in one closet. Bobby jokes that it’ll be just him and the boys until he gets married. They carry the table in that Meema gave them. The apartment is on the second level so it isn’t super easy for Judson to help.

Back at the beach, the girls are in a cute little shop where you can paint sand dollars. They put painting skirts on and Tori doesn’t want to paint one. Callie calls her a party pooper, but Tori says she isn’t an artistic person and nothing she makes comes together. Tori and Katie sit on their phones on the coach while the others paint. Michael says she loves holding Carson- “I’m not supposed to have favorites but he likes to be held!” Alyssa finishes painting and talks to Tori about registering which Tori hasn’t done yet and what to register for- Alyssa recommends brooms and dustpans and mops. Tori says she needs to figure out kitchen stuff. Kelly says art is not her talent, Josie paints a hippie van on the beach. Kelly says it gets competitive. The shop owner seals and glitters them and adds ribbons so they are christmas tree ornaments.  They go get ice cream. The Bates are excited about all the kinds and try a bunch of them. They pick their kinds. Kelly reminds us that Katie is an ice cream fiend. Katie jokes she’ll name her kid ice cream so that she knows she’ll always love them. Alyssa suggests naming her kids ice cream flavors. Katie thinks that is an excellent idea. Kelly then delegates duties for getting ready for dinner. Allie Jane doesn’t want to leave the ice cream place, and who can blame her?

Back at the 100th Episode Party, the producer talks about how long ago the first episode was and shows them pictures of them at the first episode. They show the the pictures- Lawson doesn’t look super different to me but Carlin does look quite a bit older. They show Jackson and Zach theirs- Jackson was so little and Zach has lost a fair amount of weight since their. Jeb and Callie are next- they were particularly small in these first pictures. Warden and Katie are next- Katie acts embarrassed and warden is missing a tooth in the old picture.

The guys are going go kart racing with Bobby and Kelton back in TN. These karts go over 50 miles an hour.  They go over the rules- no contact and the time is based on laps. They give them a “fireproof hat” and a helmet. They get into their carts and put onto the track and once you hit the track you start moving. They are fast as they wind through the track. Lawson and Nathan, of course get in trouble on the track with Lawson trying to pass him and Nathan not letting him.

At the 100th episode party, Erin (still pregnant) has them play the mummy game- Carlin wraps Tori, Zach wraps Lawson and Addee wrapping Callie.

Back at the gokarts, Lawson hits Nathan into the wall. They all stop and there are sparks and the smell of burned rubber. Lawson denies hitting him and says Nathan caused it. They damage the karts and Nathan gets a new one as they keep going. They conclude racing and it is time for the lap results. Lawson comes in third, Bobby gets 2nd and Kelton gets first. Somehow they decide this is because he is a plumber who drives quickly to service calls.  They discuss what the Bachelor Party will  be- Nathan wants it dangerous but Kelton wants it to be fun. Kelton suggests an escape room and some flag football. Gil and Bobby approve. Kelton can’t believe he is getting married.

At the 100 episode party, they blow out candles on the cake and have noisemakers and then show pictures of all the siblings.

Back in Florida, it is time for Tori to get a few little gifts. Alyssa gives her a bag, she gets some bath stuff, a straightener for her hair and a hair dryer, and a basket of toiletries. Tori says it was so sweet and she is terrible being the center of attention. Erin has them adding a line of the story and passing it around and each person adding on after only reading one line of the story. It is a story- half accurate about Tori and Bobby and half silly about his feet and nostril from the younger ones. Michael is excited to all eat dinner together. The sister say they will miss having Tori around all the time. Carlin says it was so fun to all get together because it doesn’t happen all the time and they will treasure the memories.

Now we have interviews.  The producer [hereafter referred to as P]  asks what were their concerns about the show? Gil says How it would impact their family but it was worth a try. P says their honesty comes across, did you reach a peace and say if we’re gonna be real we need to be as real as possible? Kelly says the crew makes it easy, you feel comfortable around them and encourages them and it is easy to share in that atmosphere. P reads some viewer comments about how they encourage someone who lost their mom and watches their show for a smile. Gil says its all about encouraging somebody, he can’t imagine what that would be like. P mentions another that it is all good clean fun. Kelly says that is why they decided to film with Up because they’re family oriented. Gil says it has been a great experience and they are so grateful for those who take time to encourage them.  

P then speaks to the married couples- Erin & Chad,  Zach & Whit and Tori & Bobby. P: who are these new people? Zach: this is my sister Tori. Tori: I KNEW he was gonna do that!  P: what is it like for the spouses to be exposed to this? Chad: I always admired the Bates and their enthusiasm and he’s had a lot of fun doing it. P: What’s it like having the birth episodes available to watch when you want? Erin: I cry everytime, and I relieve that, and a lot of people don’t have the privilege to have and for the kids to have. Zach: and those moments are captured perfectly. Whitney: We get a lot of opportunities and we are so grateful. P: There are 3 episodes left- Papa Bill’s thanksgiving and the wedding are included in those. Tell us about those? Bobby: everyone is looking forward to the wedding but what is so crazy is getting to see everything going into it along the way and then getting to see God bring it all together in the last moment. Tori says I’m going to see what went wrong that she didn’t know that happened and thanking people for all they did. P: Elijah was the winner of that- he was completely covered in white paint. Bobby: the unsung heroes will be sung.

Finally, he talks to Josie, Carlin, Lawson, and Katie. P says these are the oldest who are yet to be married who are in the United States. P: what’s it like starting out in these relationships that are filmed? Carlin: when we started out, we wanted to make sure everyone was on board. And it is nice having it saved to potentially show future kids.  P: Katie, do you watch the episodes? Katie: No. Josie: it makes us self conscious so a lot of us don’t watch very often. P: What’s a favorite moment? Katie: all the ice cream shops I get to visit. That’s the best part for me. Carlin: any episode with Evan. Lawson: You’ve gotta say that, he’s watching. P: reads a couple of comments from viewers- “Nathan’s birthday party touched my heart. I’m praying for something special for him (and Lawson too). Also praying for the boys. I just hope we won’t have to wait until Jeb to see one of the boys get married.” P: ask me a question. Carlin: who is your favorite Bates?  P: that would be like Katie picking her favorite flavor of ice cream. P: Can you imagine your life in another 100 episodes? Lawson: it’s up to the viewers- we’re up for it! P: The Bates would thank the fans and we look forward to the 200th episode in the future!

[serahne]

Title : The List

Rating : Teen and Up Audiences

Characters/Relationships : Hajime Hinata&Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu&Souda Kazuichi, Background Nagito Komaeda/Hajime Hinata, Background Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu/Peko Pekoyama, Background ( one-sided ) Souda Kazuichi/Sonia Nevermind.

Summary : “Kazuichi sighed dramatically and opened the magazine in the middle – page 32. The title of the page was just as pink and glittery as the cover ( Hinata wondered how in hell Kazuichi had gotten the magazine ) Nevertheless, Hinata read it : “Seven things to do before you turn 20 !””

A/N : Written for @nosakkayuuma as part of the @danganronpasecretsanta but also for Hajime’s birthday. I planned to post it on time, but I didn’t ! Hope you will like it, this is basically 3500 words of your favorite boys goofing around and celebrating the New Year  ( and Hinata’s birthday ! )

The end of something, and the beginning of something else, Hinata thought, looking through the large window of Kazuichi's flat the sun slowly disappear behind the horizon. These words bore a double meaning for him, didn’t they ? There were probably millions people who celebrated their birthday on January 1st – were they all crushed by the symbolism of the date, just like Hinata was ?

“Hey, Hajime, wanna watch a movie ?“

Kuzuryuu's words disrupted his train of thoughts, and he just shrugged at the suggestion.

“Netflix and chill ? Sure. Can I pick ?”

“I would say yes, but avoid anything with yakuzas in it – these shits are never accurate. And avoid anything with romance in it if you don't want to see Souda cry.”

“Hey, I don't cry !”

Kazuichi stumbled into the room, carrying two packs of beers ( Kuzuryuu immediately threw a disapproving look to it ) and what seemed to be a women’s magazine. The yakuza rolled his eyes at the newcomer's claim.

“You cried when we watched Love Actually. I have pictures.”

“I pretended to cry, okay ? Because Miss Sonia was here, and I know she wants a sensitive guy. I want to look approachable for her. Someone she shouldn't be afraid to open up to and…”

“We get it.” Kuzuryuu replied. “Hinata can pick a romance if he wants to. Fine.”

“What ? No !” Kazuichi said. “It's the last night of the year ! It will be my soul brother's birthday in a few hours. Don't you have anything more boring to suggest ? Playing scrabble ? Knitting, maybe ? Or whatever my aunt is doing these days, mocrame ?”

“Macrame,” Kuzuryuu corrected, impressing his friends by his immense knowledge.

“But I like movies,” Hinata intervened. “We watched the Polar Express on Christmas with Nagito. I hadn't watched it before, it was great.” Then, he added with a sour expression : “Probably the only snow I’ll see this winter. Climate change is the worst.”

He was almost jealous of Komaeda, who would spend the winter in Europe in a mission for Future Foundation. Europe was almost entirely under the snow, by now. Japan was… grey. How dull and depressing.

“Hey, we watched it too !” Kuzuryuu perked up, oblivious to his sudden melancholy. “The part where he is chasing the girl on the roof is…”

“Stop it !” Kazuichi yelled. “No bonding over having a significant over. When Miss Sonia will accept to be my girlfriend, we'll talk about it all you want, but until then, keep your marital bliss talk for when I'm not here.”

Hinata rolled his eyes. Marital bliss, right. Not that he didn't want to stay with Komaeda until they die or anything, but being together for six months wasn't even close to sharing a communal life.

“Anyway” Kazuichi said. “I have something more interesting right here !”

And he threw the magazine he had been holding until then on the floor. Hinata looked at it, and raised an eyebrow : the cover was very pink and very shiny, and it claimed that it could teach you how to make up for New Year’s Eve in four easy steps.

“Is there anything you aren't telling us ?” asked Kuzuryuu with a snort.

Kazuichi sighed dramatically and opened the magazine in the middle – page 32. The title of the page was just as pink and glittery as the cover ( Hinata wondered how in hell Kazuichi had gotten the magazine ) Nevertheless, Hinata read it :

Seven things to do before you turn 20 !

“What the hell is that ?” He blurted out loud.

“The list of the seven things to do before you turn 20 !” Kazuichi explained, slowly, as if Hinata was an idiot.

“Okay, I walked into that one.”

“Did this magazine come out before the Tragedy ?” Kuzuryuu asked. “Because I tend to see us as the generation 0. We don’t have to follow whatever stupid rule is in it.”

“It’s not rules, it’s fun. I wanted to make sure my buddy Hinata doesn’t miss anything on life. He spent the best years of his life as Kamukura and - hey, ouch, I’m just saying, I’m not judging - but that’s not a reason to not do any of the stupid stuff a teenager is supposed to do, right ?” He turned toward Hinata, a tentatively convincing smile on his lips. “If you’re in, of course.”

Hinata opened his mouth, and threw a look at Kuzuryuu - who was raising a circumspect eyebrow. Then he looked back at Kazuichi.

“Yeah. Sure, let’s do it. It might be fun. As long as it’s nothing dangerous, I mean. What’s the first thing on the list ?”

And that’s how the last evening of the year started for Hajime Hinata.

*

“Getting drunk on New Year’s Eve !” Kazuichi read loudly.

Kuzuryuu rolled his eyes.

“If we get drunk now, we won’t be able to do anything else on this list, you do realize that, yes ? Unless the six other point aren’t activities that ask of us to be fucking functional beings, of course.”

“It’s fine,” Hinata decided. “We can just drink a beer of two. Ending the year with my head in the toilet bowl isn’t in my plans, anyway.”

“That’s the spirit !” Kazuichi said. “Wait, we can’t just… drink it. Let’s make it more fun !”

“Fun ?” Kuzuryuu repeated. “What do you mean ?”

“Yep. Let’s do a round of ‘I-have-never’.”

How old were they, twelve ? Hinata took a sip of his own beer anyway, but nodded at Kazuichi’s suggestion. Could be interesting - it’s not like there was anything embarrassing his friends didn’t know about him : he had destroyed the world, for fuck’s sake.

“I have never cried watching Love Actually,” Kuzuryuu started with a smirk.

“I was pretending,” Kazuichi argued, but took a sip without anyone telling him to do it. “And beside, there is nothing wrong with a guy crying, okay ? Not that I did. I’m just saying.” He thought for a while about his next move then looked at Hinata : “I’ve never kissed a guy.”

Hinata shrugged and took a sip - what, really ? Was it the best Kazuichi could come up with ?

“That’s not how you are going to embarrass our Hajime,” Kuzuryuu laughed his most evil laugh. “I’ve never eaten by mistake the chocolates Naegi was planning to give to Kirigiri for her birthday, and then blamed Asahina for it.”

Hinata coughed on his own saliva.

“Are you…” Hinata croaked out, his throat hurting like hell. “How the hell ?...”

“Take a sip, thief !”

“Oh, yeah, I have a good one !” Kazuichi said. “I’ve never bought a sticker for a million dollar to Monokuma.”

Hinata felt his cheeks heat up.

“How…,” and then he realized who, exactly, was the only person who have known about it. “Fucking Nagito. I’m going to kick his ass as soon as his plane lands, you can be sure of it !”

“I’m sure he’d be into it,” Kazuichi grinned. “Your turn, Hajime ! And make it good !”

“I’ve never eaten dirt.”

“I’ve never got stuck into a tree.”

“I’ve never walked on people getting on it”

“What, are you kidding ? This one was for you ! You take a sip, bastard !”

“Okay, sorry Hinata, but this one is worth double, this is gross.”

“You can’t prove it, I’m not drinking !”

They didn’t end up drunk but after two beers, Hinata recognized the familiar warmth of the booze in his stomach, and his head was a little lighter than before. Kazuichi was just as tipsy as he was, flushed cheeks and ( even more than usual ) exuberant behaviour, but Kuzuryuu, as the true yakuza that he was, drank his bottles as he would have drink water.

“So, I think we look stupid enough as it,” Hinata decided after a few fits of laughter, and a few more ridiculous revelations. “Let’s see what next on the list, alright ?”

*

“I’m not getting a tattoo because a women’s magazine tells me to, what the fuck?” Kuzuryuu spat after Kazuichi uncovered the next activity. “We only have one body, let’s try to not mess it up too much.”

“Oh come on, you’re a yakuza, Fuyuhiko. I’m sure you already have a ton of tattoo everywhere under these clothes” Kazuichi said. “Hajime gets it : he is totally okay with this. Right, my favorite soul friend ?”

“Well, yeah,” Hinata muttered, running a nervous hand through his hair. “I don’t know. I’m not against having a tattoo in theory but the… needles. I guess I was bound to develop a phobia after…” He didn’t end the sentence and pointed a finger against his temple.

Kazuichi cringed a little, proving that he definitely hadn’t think this through. Hinata was almost glad for that, though : he didn’t want for everyone to keep in mind everything he had been through and everything he was. He couldn’t escape this, that didn’t mean the others had to stay stuck in this hell too.

“But…” Hinata kept going after taking a deep breath. “It’s the end of the year, and I should confront my fear, and things like that. Even if it’s just to get a tattoo. So, yeah, I’m in.”

Kazuichi and Kuzuryuu both smiled, putting their hand on Hinata’s shoulders, until he pretended to get annoyed at the gesture and shrugged them off. There was no way fear was going to keep him from doing whatever crazy stuff his friends wanted him to do.

He was still a teenager until midnight, dammit !

*

“I like the dragon.” Kuzuryuu commented, looking through the different tattoos he could get in the shop they had managed to find.

It had been surprisingly easy, to tell the truth. Who would have known that some people would still be working on New Year’s Eve, at 9 PM ? When they entered the place, the guy has been half asleep already, and Hinata had  almost expected he would chase them away, but he hadn’t. Instead, he had checked their ID and gave them a bunch of old scrapbooks with different models of tattoo inside.

“This is huge and in color, this will probably hurt like hell.” Hinata noted. “I thought you didn’t want one.”

“I didn’t,” Kuzuryuu said. “But go big or go home, as they say, and I like this one. I don’t wan’t to come back for the coloring, though.”

“Uh-uh,” Hinata replied, noncommittally. “What about you, Kazuichi. Found anything ?”

“This skull is neat !” He said, looking at a small, black-and-white design. “Not sure where I could put it, though. On my arm, maybe ? Do you think Miss Sonia is into pirates ?”

“Maybe,” Kuzuryuu said. “Who knows what’s up with this chick, sometimes ? She gets a boner for the weirdest things.”

“Don’t talk about Miss Sonia like that or…”

Hinata skimmed through the pages of the book, uncertain on what he was looking for. Something small and discreet, but something with a meaning too - not just something cool, like Kazuichi or Kuzuryuu, and he wasn’t sure what kind of meaning he was after. He thought that Komaeda would immediately pick something about hope. And well, hope was great and all, but it didn’t mean for him what it meant for his boyfriend. He didn’t have anything that meant as much for him, in general.

Which was probably a good thing, but still.

“Hey, Hajime, what do you think of this one, I think it suits you !”

He turned his head toward the model Kazuichi was showing him : a bunch of flying birds. He chuckled a little - in your face with the symbolic, uh ? Though it was cool and small enough after all.

“Yeah, why not.”

*

Hinata’s shoulder hurt so much he wanted to scream. The tattoo-artist had given him a stern look in the middle of his work, complaining that he was fidgety, but was one not supposed to be fidgety when hundreds of needles were piercing your skin, one after another ? At least it has been short - unlike Kuzuryuu’s tattoo, a gigantic snake in his back.

“Peko is going to freak out,” Kuzuryuu snickered.

Despite how much he has complained before entering the shop, he looked unexpectedly proud of himself, even if he was clearly hurting, his face showing pain anytime he moved too quickly. Kazuichi, just like Hinata, had put his tattooed skull on his shoulder.

“I feel like we did a mistake,” Kazuichi whined. “I don’t think I’ll be able to assume having this on my body for the rest of my life.”

“Well, you can take it off,” Hinata informed him. “Eventually.”

It was almost ten and it was awfully cold outside. They eventually found refuge into a bar, full of drunk people as it was the last day of the year. They still managed to find a corner where to sit, near the bathroom.

“So, that’s two out of ten, right ?” Hinata said, while drinking his glass. “What’s next ? Breaking into a bank ? Stealing a car ?”

“Nothing on the list is illegal,” Kazuichi sighed. “The next one is ‘Tell the person you love the most how much they matter for you.’”

Kuzuryuu shrugged.

“That’s a women’s magazine, so it makes sense to have cheesy stuff like that.” He took his cell phone out of his pocket, and started typing a message, and before sending it, he showed it to the others.

“Out with H & K tonight. See you tomorrow. Love you, Fuyuhiko.”

“How cute” Kazuichi said with a mocking smile. Then, he grimaced. “No, honestly, this is so ridiculous, how does a guy like you land a girl like Pekoyama? She is so… beautiful, and you’re so… short.”

“Shut the fuck up, Souda,” Kuzuryuu replied without any real heat in it. “I’m just fucking lucky, okay ? I don’t have any other explanation.”

His phone beeped, announcing that Pekoyama had answered.

“Say hi for me. Love you too. Peko.”

“You need to marry her,” Kazuichi said very seriously. “I know we’re young and all, but let’s be honest : you’ll never get better. Sure, she is a little terrifying and stuff, and I almost had a heart attack the last time she tried to smile, but beside that, she is perfect.”

“Let him alone,” Hinata said. “He already got a huge tattoo. I think it’s enough for tonight when it comes to lifelong commitments.”

“Guess so. What about you, Hinata ?”

Hinata threw his own phone on the table, displaying the message he had sent to Komaeda.

“I miss you, can wait for you to be done with your mission to save the world. Love you. H.”

“Wow, you can’t help being a sarcastic asshole, can you, Hinata ?” Kazuichi commented. “Wait, what time is it in Europe right now ? Maybe he isn’t going to answer ?”

Beep.

“Who are you and what did you do to my boyfriend ?”

Hinata couldn’t help but facepalm as Kazuichi and Kuzuryuu burst in laughter. That’ll teach me to be romantic, he thought with a smile. He sent a quick “Idiot. Go to sleep.” and pocketed his phone. With a mischievous smile, he turned toward Kazuichi.

“So, what about you ? Do you need Sonia’s phone number or do you managed to get it ?”

Kazuichi opened his mouth, outraged, then promptly shut it off. His face split into a big grin.

“Miss Sonia’s number… Of course I have it ! But why would I send her a message ? I’m the only true bro here. You both are my favorite people ! I love you guy !”

And he put his arms behind Hinata and Kuzuryuu’s neck, bringing them closer for one of the most awkward hug Hinata had ever experienced. They all laughed, their head uncomfortably stuck against the other’s, until Kazuichi accepted to release them.

“I can’t believe you really threw the ‘bro before hoe’ card” Kuzuryuu grimaced. “Just to hide that you don’t have Sonia’s number.” He took a sip of his glass and shrugged. “Anyway, we’re done with the sentimental crap. What’s next ?”

“Let’s see,” Kazuichi says, reading through the magazine. Then, something lightened in his eyes. When he raised his head, he looked like a child on Christmas.

“Flying.”

*

“How is it still open ? It’s New Year’s Eve”

Hinata was... apprehensive. He wasn’t afraid of heights or anything, but the machine was huge and terrifying - he wondered how the Tragedy had spared this piece of mechanic.

If there was one thing Hinata hadn’t thought he would ever do barely one hour before his birthday, it was using a free fall simulator. The place was empty, if not for him, his friends, and the bored-looking girl who sighed deeply when they explained that this was their first time doing this - she had probably hoped to not have to go through the whole safety procedure with them.

Hinata threw another glance at the simulator and felt something keen to excitation. If he had to die, let it be while he was floating in the air, right ?

“Anyway,” Kuzuryuu coughed up to catch his attention. “That seems fucking neat, but you can only be two in this machine, so I’ll see you after that, alright ?”

Hinata scrunched his face.

“What ? What do you mean, you aren’t coming with us ?”

“My back hurts, because of the tattoo, anyway. It’s fine, I’ll stick around. You can just go fly without me for this time.”

As Kuzuryuu disappeared in the cold of the year’s last night, Hinata suspected for the first time that something was up, and that his friends were preparing something.

*

“This was fucking glorious !” Kazuichi yelled, one hour later when they came out, tasting in full the cold of the night ( it was almost new year after all. ) “It’s worth every yens we spent on it. E-ve-ry yens, believe me.”

Hinata laughed, and followed the mechanic, feeling a little heavy now that he was back on earth. It had been amazing, as Kazuichi said. Floating, flying, running after his friend while he was trying desperatly to move left and right... he couldn’t help it, it had been one of these out-of-body experience, that no one ever expects going through. Especially not around midnight, on New Year’s Eve.

“Yeah, it was. Too bad for Kuzuryuu, though. I wonder where he is ?”

“I’m here, bastards. Glad to see that you didn’t forget about me ?”

They turned around to see Kuzuryuu carrying a huge travel bag. Hinata tilted his head on the side, questionning, but Kuzuryuu’s only response was a teasing grin. As if I’m going to tell you anything before it explodes to your face.

“Hey, Kuzu, glad to see you join us. Are you okay ?” Kazuichi asked, as subtle as an elephant in a porcelain shop.

“Yes,” Kuzuryuu hissed. “As okay as one can be.”

They gathered, and Kazuichi opened his magazine once more. Hinata swallowed a yawn : the excitation of the free fall simulator was starting to die down, and he was only realizing now how tired he was. What a gramp he could be. They still have a bunch of missions to go through, though.

“What’s the next one ?”

Kazuichi threw a look at the magazine, then bit his lips.

“Eh... we have to keep this one for later. Watching a sunrise.”

Kuzuryuu snickered.

“I don’t think there is anyway for us to speed up the process. The day will rise when it will, right ? Let’s do the others first.”

Once again, Kazuichi read through the magazine, his face being slowly drained of its colors as he reached the next point.

“Yeah, well, hum... I think we can skip this one”

Hinata protested.

“What ? But we did everything until now. We even got tattoos because it told us to. What’s so bad that you don’t even want to tell us ?”

“Yeah” Kuzuryuu said. “Bring it on ! Who do you think I am ? I can take whatever this stuff is throwing at me.”

Kazuichi raised his hand in a peaceful gesture.

“Fine ! Fine ! The sixth one is ‘Doing a threesome”.

Silence.

Uh. Hinata blinked, something like a laughter staying stuck in his throat. He looked at Kuzuryuu who seemed just as lost as he was.

“Alright” Kuzuryuu said with a frown on his face, “I think you’re right, we should skip that one. I’m not sure what this magazine is about, but I’m sure most people don’t make a threesome before they are twenty. Hell, I’m sure most people don’t do a threesome, ever. I sure don’t want to. Not before talking it through with Peko first.”

“Same thing” Hinata said. Then, he added with a joking tone. “Also we are pretty much stuck together by now. I’m not sure our friendship is that close that we could get in bed together like that.”

“Urgh, Hajime, shh,” Kazuichi grimaced. “There is no way I’m doing anything near your genitals, guys. If I had to pick a guy to do it, you wouldn’t be on it, no way.”

Kuzuryuu smirked.

“So there is a list, right ? Tell us everything, Souda !”

Kazuichi rolled his eyes.

“No, there is no list ! I was talking hypothetically, okay ? If it was the end of the world, and someone was giving me a choice between dying or having sex with a guy… I would have to pick the guy, right ? I’m not going to die because I’m straight…”

“Such open-mind,” Hinata commented with a smile.

“... as long as I’m on top, I mean.”

“Oh shush !” Kuzuryuu groaned. “I don’t want to hear about your hypothetical forced sex, okay ? Keep it down, and skip this point, okay ? Six out of seven seems like a good enough score. Also, It’s almost midnight. Time to do the last one”

Hinata couldn't help but notice the smile on Kuzuryuu’s lips. A conspirator’s smile, Hinata realized.

Hmmm...

“Sure is !” Kazuichi said.

Then instead of reading it like the other times, he threw the magazine on the floor. Hinata’s eyes looked for the last point and read…

Travel to a foreign country with your best friends

“Wait, what ?” Hinata said. “Travel to…”

Kuzuryuu and Kazuichi shared a glance that Hinata didn’t know what to make of.

“So... we skip this one too, right ?” He said with hesitation.

Kuzuryuu laughed.

“Do we ?” Then he smirked. “Sorry, we don’t have the time to play games. Our plane to Norway takes off in less than an hour, so we need to hurry.”

“Norway ?” Hinata repeated, flabbergasted. “What... when...”

“I got your stuff !” Kuzuryuu said, throwing the mysterious bag to Hinata. “It’s heavy so you keep it. But yeah, Norway. Time to get some snow this winter, Hinata !”

Completely lost, he turned toward Kazuichi, who seemed very proud of himself.

“Fuyuhiko thought I would spill the bean before the end of the day. Guess again, yakuza-boy !” He threw an arm around Hinata’s shoulder. “Brace yourself for snow, blond-haired babes, and maybe - maybe - your boyfriend coming to kiss you happy birthday. I couldn’t say no since he pays our tickets. Though, don’t forget : Bros before hoes. The magazine says so : it’s travelling with your friends.”

“Oh my god” Hinata said, hiding his face between his hands.

Laughing, he brought the two closer for a very un-manly hug. Not a very long one, though. They had a plane to take.

[writeyourownname]

Tips and Tricks to Make Your Life Easier

1. You want to read a book, but you don't have time, right? Wrong. Put that mf in the bathroom and read it when you’re poopin. 

2. You’re running out of space for your shoes. Shoe Rack. Put it on the back of your (closet) door. Trust me on this. 

3. Can’t get up in the morning on time or as early as you’d like? Bitch, say no more. We’ve all been there. What you need to do is A. Set your alarm for 5-10 mins earlier than usual, and set your snooze for 5 min increments. B. You wake up, you hit snooze, but you lay on your back. Don’t get super comfy again. Keep your eyes shut or try to open them into the dark after C. You start listing and imagining what you have to do when you get out of bed. This helps you wake up and start thinking instead of being lulled back into sleep. Do NOT explicitly think, “When I get up,” It makes you anxious and puts you in a mood where you don’t want to get up. D. Your alarm goes off again, and this time you’re more awake so it should be easier to actually scootch outta bed. If you start arguing with yourself to stay in, turn your conversational brain off. Move your body. Sheer force of will, my man.

4. Don’t drink coffee right after you brush your teeth. Just don’t. 

5. You’re a little hungry but not really? Drink a tall glass of water. 

6. You sit down to do your assignment and you’re halfway through, so you think you might as well take a break. Force yourself to do another quarter of the assignment. That should make you feel more accomplished and push you to finish it because you’re almost done anyways. 

7. You keep getting razor bumps? Before you get out of the shower turn that water to chilly. Keep your parts you shaved under it for at least 20-30 seconds. Afterwards slather yourself in baby oil.

8. You have anxiety but need to make a phone call. We’ve all been there babe. Just pretend that you’re a warrior on a quest, and to make it to the end you have to make this call. When it’s ringing try to turn your inner dialogue down a bit and replace it with your warrior/quest thoughts. 

9. Want to work on a talent you have but you don’t have time? Get off your phone and you will. That is, unless it requires going out of your way somewhere.

10. Want to start getting into fitness but you can’t afford a gym membership? There are tons of exercises to do at home, and you can buy a set of 5/8 lb weights to get started. I have a routine at home, so even when I go to the gym I always finish off with some of those things. 

11. I finally got myself some Tea Tree oil and BITCH THAT SHIT’S GOOD. Get some for yourself. 

12. Stop thinking the world owes you something. It doesn’t. Not if you haven’t done something to deserve it. 

13. Start living with love. You need to open yourself up to it. Compliment others, help others, even if it’s just to hold the door open. Show your family small gestures to tell them you appreciate them. Listen to your partner’s needs. Spoil them in affection if that is wanted/would be appreciated. 

14. Try to live. Like actually do things you want to do without getting distracted by your phone. Read that book. Follow through with plans you made. Go to that job interview. Apply for that college. Try out for that part in a movie or that voice over. Save that money so you can finally go on that trip. Fall in love with your friendships, and be realistic with a positive flair. It makes your life so much easier if you actually live it. Why are you living if you aren’t going to be able to look back and see all that you did that made you happy, feel that it was worth it? 

Saving Money: Alternatively; How Not to Die Because You Spent Too Much

- You’re broke. Bitch, Me too. 

1. Your friends ask you to go out to eat with them. You want to go, so go, (or really don’t) but here are some tips on it. 

a. Don’t buy a soda or anything that actually costs anything to drink. Get a water. If you want flavor, add a lemon.

b. Don’t “treat yourself”. You’re already out, that was the treat yourself bit. You need to be realistic. 

c. Have a bite to eat Before you go with them if you can. That way you will be satisfied with getting something smaller and cheaper. 

d. See if you can convince your friends to take a cheaper restaurant route. 

2. Need snacks? Need a card? Need a new book? Need a new plate? Need batteries? Go to your local dollar tree/store. 

3. Try to avoid credit. Please, for your own sake. Credit debt piles up SO easily, and you don’t need to continue making payments. If you can, use debit.

4. USE CASH. I swear to the Lord, use it. It makes you really think about how much you're spending. 

5. If you are thinking of buying something, but it isn’t a necessity, even just for that moment, tell yourself you’ll buy it on your next paycheck. If you really want it, you will buy it on the next paycheck, if not, you saved yourself some money.

6. When looking to buy a car, look up the type of gas mileage it gets and how long it usually lasts. Look at the brand’s general life on vehicles and if there are recurring issues on it and the specific car. Save as much as you can for a downpayment beforehand so your monthly payments will be lower. 

7. This is really simple, but don’t by everything because of a brand name. it’s cheaper to get the off brand/store brand. Do a little research before you go out and grocery shop.

8. Thrift shop. There are so many great deals to find. 

9. Try to wait to buy things until they’re on sale or clearance if you can. This is self-explanatory.

10. Stop wasting electricity, bitch. Stop wasting water. Take reasonable showers and turn your lights off! 

11. When comparing prices, look at how much (ounces, liters, etc.) is in the item. I did this with lotion just yesterday. Paying attention to that kind of thing pays off. 

12. The easiest one. When you have extra cash, stick it in a savings account or another checking account so you are less likely to touch it unless it’s an emergency. 

13. Want to eat healthier, but healthy stuff is too expensive? Don’t try to go all out at first. Start with cutting out unhealthy things you don't need in your diet like chips, dark sodas (or sodas in general), ice cream, candies, etc. With the money you save from that, you can start buying more veggies and stuff. (frozen veggies are also better than no veggies and so are canned ones). Places like Aldi have very reasonable prices for fresh goods. 

14. 2018 is a year where “treat yourself” doesn’t mean “Go spend money on things you don’t need but want” it means spend money on things you need and saving the rest. It means that you are being responsible with your money. You want to retire someday. You don’t want to work forever. You want something to give to your kids or to charity or whatever when you pass.  

A reminder that some people do all of these things, but are still super strapped for cash. That does not make them any less of a hardworking or moral person. A lot of people just don’t make enough to actually save money. 

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 60

Sarah ended up staying a month longer than she thought she was going to. I guess she didn't feel like she had given a proper goodbye to her mother, and needed to pack more. In any case, it was nice to see her a few more times, without Alex around. Is it wrong that I prefer to hang out with my friends when their boyfriends aren't present? Even if I like their boyfriend overall? I remember playing the racing game for Nintendo with her. We listened to Mark Lanegan's early solo album The Winding Sheet on repeat. I remember Sarah getting in one fight with her mom, but I don't remember what it was about. I think Sarah got upset because her mom passive aggressively demanded something indirectly, but didn't explain herself as to why. She had a way of being intentionally obtuse in order to avoid intimate conversations. So there were some things that Sarah's mom would never talk about, sides of herself she didn't let anyone see. At times she seemed rather cluelessly cold. It eventually could hurt people's feelings. Though I don't think she ever intended it. Her mother never did end up explaining herself. She ended up sort of chastising Sarah for her outrage. Sarah's reaction was oddly childlike. I wouldn't say childish in that her objection and frustrations were sound and valid, though her approach to getting upset seemed to close the opportunity to challenge her mother in a more clever way. I sided with Sarah in the sense that I thought her mom had these moments where she didn't like questioning anything. She sort of sidestepped certain aspects of people, and might low key shame you if you took a step out of her safety zone. She seemed to be very caring and impersonal at the same time. Like, she was sensitive and really wanted good in the world. But at the same time she seemed set to be disappointed and it sort of went in this loop. In some ways, she was altogether unreachable. You realize these flaws about your parents in your mid to late teens most of the time, and it's completely normal.

We ended up going to this all girl ACDC cover band that came to town, called Hell's Bells. I hesitate to criticize ACDC. I have learned to appreciate them and what they stand for. They were a top notch rock band. I realize the more I get older though that I don't really like hard rock all that much. I am not opposed, but it doesn't resonate with me. I prefer folk, artsy stuff, synth pop, experimental, and garage bands. The all girl ACDC cover band did alright – though I respect it now more so than I did back then. This was also the first time I realized my father was drinking again. He had stopped drinking after going to AA. I had suspected it a few times but I couldn't be sure, but here he was doing it openly. I guess it made perfect sense. You would have to be inebriated to really want to hang around Billy all day. And that John guy – the musician my father was hanging around probably drank a lot. Peer pressure got the best of him, and it was a way of coping with the death of both his mother and  his ex girlfriend.

There would be some difficulty with getting me to school each day. At first, my father bought this strange looking green car from the 70's on a whim, since one of my father's brother's had it. But it was a terrible gas hog, and while we were driving on a farmer's road shortcut we accidentally didn't take a correct turn and ended up crashing the car into a ditch. It wasn't broken or anything. It just felt like an unfeasible vehicle. Which left my father with this old pick up we had – very reliable in a way but an even worse gas hog. It took thirty dollars just to drive me to school and back. I kind of knew based on these things that going to school wasn't going to last.

But I didn't know what else to do anymore. Sarah was well on her way to being gone, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. I really didn't look forward to the prospect of being home with my parents all day. I thought momentarily at times about going to college, but the idea of going seemed a bit like an admittance of failure on my own part. I felt like I was throwing away time I could spend honing my skills as an artist. I was too proud to admit that going to college might have been worth my time. In any case, my choices were incredibly limited, and I had no idea what I was doing with myself.

Going to school without Sarah present was kind of a trip for me. I felt sort of lost not having someone else there. I walked into class always a little unsure of myself, my head down. I tried not to have conversations with anyone. I think at first Mike felt defensive towards me, but he quickly grew to feel genuinely sorry for me. I have always been an introvert with random outbursts of impassioned outspoken moments or moments where I was feeling rather humorous or jolly, but I had never felt this introverted before. I didn't smile very much. I didn't get that sad anymore either. I just felt locked in myself. When someone addressed me with even a simple question about my day or what I was reading – I sometimes couldn't even answer. What people seemed to expect of me out in the external world was very hard for me to immediately grasp, and when someone asked me incredibly simple questions, it felt like they were presenting me with a puzzle to solve. Everyone else seemed to be able to solve each other's puzzles, and I was left stupefied.

I was having troubles focusing.  I felt myself drifting off in class quite often. Not to mention, my father couldn't take me to school about 10-20% of the days – and this was going to make it impossible for me to get any credits whatsoever. Furthermore, the class in second hour was a Mythology class. Mike wanted us to draw out a family tree of the Roman Gods. I didn't get the point of studying Mythology in school at all, but the idea of creating a family tree was incredibly intriguing to me, but the project ended up bogging me down when I found over 5000 deities and demigods and even real actual people that I had to somehow display on this tree. There wasn't a piece of paper big enough for me to draw this out. Not to mention that different stories had differing ideas about who had fathered whom. Zeus couldn't ever keep his pants on it seemed, which made things even more confusing. And then there was the fact that many of the Greek Gods sort of got passed down and renamed as Roman ones. I think there were even a few areas where you might have been able to connect some of the Norse Gods if you went back far enough and you were looking at the beginning time lines. I ended up having something I could not possibly turn in. I found Mythology tedious, and I didn't feel like I was learning anything by knowing about ever poor water nymph (that was probably also his daughter) that Zeus had taken a fancy to on a whim. I wanted to know about true things. I wanted to learn about facts – not stories. I didn't see the value in these stories.

So I went to Mike and told him I was going to leave that class and I needed to talk to Jenni. He didn't look particularly surprised, but he seemed annoyed momentarily, as he seemed to think that I was somehow trying to meekly make him do something for me. He looked at me and told me that I needed to talk to Jenni myself. I looked at him in the face calmly – in a way I don't think I would have the year before – and I just said, 'I know, that's what I am intending. I just don't know her schedule and I assumed you probably do'. And he suddenly sort of softened up. He looked at me quizzically, hesitated, and then said 'You've changed.' And after that, he wasn't rude towards me anymore. If he looked at me at all, his expression mostly conveyed sadness. I think he was in someway pleased with my personality. He felt that I was more 'mature' in my approach towards people – far more direct than I had ever been and with an absence of fragile egotism, but at the same time, what had to die in my eyeballs for me to suddenly grow up like this was almost not worth it – and the grim prospects of my future that I am sure he was all too aware of made him feel rather sorry for me.

Mike ended up meeting my father in person one day. My father came to the school to pick me up, and he wanted to meet Mike. I had said enough about the alternative school to where my dad started saying things like, he thought Mike was probably hitting on the teenage girls. I felt that was incredibly insulting as Mike was probably one of the most appropriate men I had ever met in my entire life, and it was obvious to anyone who knew him that Jenni, the overall quest for knowledge, and snowboarding – but mostly Jenni was his focus point on life. He put a great amount of effort to make everyone at the school feel extremely comfortable. My father sort of cornered Mike. Mike didn't seem particularly pleased, and I just sat there in shock, as they both represented two different worlds, and their two heads both being in the periphery of my vision at the same time was sort of mind boggling. I remember Mike being kind of short with my father. I've never seen anyone so passive aggressive towards my father. It was a strange occurrence.

The next day, Mike pointed out to me in passing that he was surprised by my father. He had been working under the impression that my dad was an old drunk hippie that couldn't speak well. He was sort of taken aback that my father was right wing, was rather muscular and big, talked well and extremely assertively and was the sort of person who sort of moved in on what he wanted very openly and seemed to grasp some psychological conversation, as in the conversation, he was able to carefully craft compliments and mix them with questions that seemed harmless, but were mildly intrusive. My father is a smart guy, and he behaves far more like something between a salesman and a cop than he does an old stoned hippie. If you know him, you know he is also incredibly gullible in certain ways, and is very much a one trick pony who's suspicions eventually lead him into being weirdly isolated and crazy. Also, he was about as unreliable and emotionally unstable as your typical good for nothing barfly type can be at times – so there was that. But on the surface, my father is pretty much a salesman who uses friendliness and openness to push people into corners. It's a skill – you have to acknowledge it for what it is. It's gotten him through life. I certainly don't have it. And I think Mike had been working with the assumption that I had been reacting to a different sort of homelife than he was. I could tell it sort of blew theories Mike might have had about me out of the water a bit. Plus,  he just couldn't get my father's overall forward conversation out of his mind since he is a very unusual character. Mike was not used to having to pry control out of someone else's hands in social conversation.

I grew to resent waiting for my father to arrive to pick me up. It caused me to feel stressed as the clock came to that time again. He forgot about me twice, and was always extremely late, like five or six hours late a few times. Moscow, even in the fall, gets really windy and cold. I had no jacket. I would curl up into myself the best I could as the wind pelted me. I would sit outside the school on the bench and watch everyone else drive away or put their headphones on and stroll to wherever they were going. Twenty or thirty minutes later, the teachers would leave the school. Mike felt badly, and he might stay a few extra minutes, but I would always kindly assure him that my father would eventually come to pick me up, though as time went on, I would grow more and more uncertain. I knew there was nothing he could really do for me, and I didn't want to cut into his homelife. So eventually I would be alone. The school was closed, and everyone was gone in the small parking lot but me. I'd get this weird dull anxiety of feeling alone. I felt like I was caught in the echo of the world, and not in the world itself. I would watch the 5 O'clock traffic roll by and wonder who all these people were who seemed to have lives. It felt very real to me that the world was spitting me out. I was never actually going to get the chance to become a person like them.

One of the times that my father didn't come and get me, it was due to him forgetting. He tried to assure me he had not forgotten to get me, but my little brother David later clarified that he had. My father had been too busy hanging out with Billy and the local guys – basically trying to be a cool loser like them. Billy and my dad eventually showed up in Billy's beat up car with duck tape and such. I crammed into the back of the car with Billy's girlfriend and a bunch of other people. It seemed profoundly silly to me that my dad wanted to hang out with these people. They were bad news. Billy's claim to fame other than sleeping with all the girls in town was his infamously terrible driving. He liked to speed, and play racing games with other vehicles. I remember sitting in that car having to hold something to keep my position as he hollered and screamed at other vehicles. I took a look at the speedometer and it said 85mph, and I knew we were on a 40. It was insane. He was swerving around to pass vehicles on solid yellow lines. My father looked nervous – but he also looked like he didn't want to seem uncool. He tried to softly say 'Hey now..' but Billy of course didn't respect that kind of authority, and didn't care. I eventually just closed my eyes and hoped for the best. I knew Billy and Zack were best friends. I tried to understand why that was.

Sitting outside after school, I remember Mike coming out, seeing me huddled up and feeling badly on particular time. He hung out with me for about ten minutes. He explained to me that he didn't think it was right that I didn't have a coat. It was kind of an awkward conversation. I was trying to play it like I wasn't that cold, though it was most likely obvious that I was freezing. He just started letting me know that he felt I was being neglected, and that it was a parents duty to buy their children coats. My father had a job, he clearly wasn't physically incapable of getting me a coat. And yet, I hadn't owned a real coat since 7th grade. In passing he asked me why I had decided to leave Mythology. I explained that I felt it was not worth studying unless you were for whatever reason a very strange sort of nerd who was into such things. This ended up being one of the most important conversations of my entire life.

Mike didn't really reprimand me for my negativity as I had expected, but he asked me why I believed that was true. I sighted the Norse myth of Skoll and Heti, two wolves that chase the moon and sun in hopes of catching them and eating them. I scoffed at the whole thing, and I basically felt they must have been very stupid back in those times. Ancient people truly believed that was what was going on in the sky everyday – and that seemed unacceptable. It was part of their perspective of life, deeply ingrained into their thinking. I wish I could remember the precise conversation, but Mike essentially got me to admit that I didn't feel like ancient people were as 'real' as people of today. I think this was my way of passing off their experiences, and therefore deeming humanity's momentary position as the right one – my own position in particular. There are elements of studying the perspectives of ancient people that can really unwind how you think the world of today is sociologically, philosophically and even scientifically.

As soon as I admitted that I didn't see their perspective as equal, Mike took apart my assumption piece by piece before me. My arguments didn't hold up. It was suddenly and quietly dawning on me that I had based my entire ego and belief system on a certainty with no basis. In conjunction with this, I also stated that reality was real – as I experienced it and saw it. I believed my brain alone was not incapable of any mistakes. I believed my perceptions were perfect in all ways in representing the truth. And I guess you couldn't blame me. I had only ever been around people who were incredibly certain of their own perspective. I had never seen anyone logically question themselves. Mike turned this around on me big time, not too much with info, but by asking a series of questions that lead me to realizing my incredible shortcomings in my belief system and my biases.  It had never occurred to me once that people were hindered by their biases, or that you couldn't actually prove anything truly. I had never entertained Cartesian logic. Solipsism had never once occurred to me.

In the end, I was asking questions on what Mike thought. Because I had just found a glaring blindspot in my entire perspective. Mike explained that science was a means of us manipulating our surroundings to acquire information about it, but you couldn't prove it was real per say. It proved itself. This wasn't a reason to dismiss science in any way, but it left you feeling rather confused about reality, or your place in it. There could theoretically be places where the laws of physics are contradicted. Even in our own solar system there are things that have been observed at great galactic distances that prove that even in our own observable universe, the law of physics didn't seem to apply. Our understanding of the world was limited, and real wisdom couldn't simply be acquired by taking for granted what you see as being all there was. Compared to the vast expanse of reality – whatever reality even is, what were our little finite minds? Was the ideas that I held about my own place in the world that much different than believing in Skoll and Heti?

Nobody had ever pointed any of this out to me before. And it meant everything to me. It meant that I didn't truly know anything. And before I could know anything, I would have to know how I could know anything. Otherwise, I had no premise to believe in anything.  And in connection with this, language itself was quite limited. How could human language even scrape the surface of our existences. We formed most of our biological traits and even our concepts of the world from a very base place of eating, forming healthy tribal groups, fucking and raising our young. Our thoughts will always be hindered by the basic human needs. I could not prove, outside of my own interpretation of what science meant to me, and what could actually be said about time, reality or the meaning of our existences because all of it was limited by my own humanness. My Objectivism was completely crushed in that moment. It was almost exciting in a way, to be shed of my limited scope. I was cold, and Mike ended up going home. But I felt like an animal that had escaped from some kind of small terrible cage. I realize that these days every other successful podcast breeches these deep topics, but it had seriously never once been proposed to me. I have been surrounded by egomaniacs that thought they knew everything, and I had seamlessly become one of them.

This dawning realization also had it' toll on how I saw my own existence in the universe, and how I should forge and create my life. How I judged other people in the grocery store. Instead of my ordinary black and white do or die mentality, I fell into this gray uncertainty, somewhere between a grand and opened mind and a contrary yet equal dose of skepticism. Everything in the world was no longer one dimensional. Even the most simple of subjects could be broken down and understood in a way that connected with everything else. Everything in this weird way was connected, and it was exhilarating for me to think about why that was. I realized that with my own mind, I could strip away aspects of falsehoods. I could find answers to questions. And still more questions would always blossom from that particular answer. I wanted to sort it all out.

What if we were all so small and our lives so minute in the grand scheme of things, or lives so fleeting that I could look at everyone around me and realize that we were all going to die. I never really made it known to a lot of people, but I used to adore the front cover of Hole's 'Live Through This'. I hung it on my wall as a reminder when I got up each morning that I had to fight till I got what was owed me. And I had to earn it. It helped suppress the sad nerdy child in me that was dopey and uncertain of herself. Say what you will about Courtney Love (privately I don't think she's a nice a person), but she really hit some kind of nail on the head for us strange looking girls and that album. The cover, if you don't know, shows this crying woman who looks like she has won the pageant of all pageants. It embodies this extreme western ideal of winning, and at the same time has this disturbing gritty element to it. It's these two contrary realities working together in that picture that I think makes it very genius. She was won the fight to be loved and adored and admired as a woman finally. I had up to that point wanted whatever it was that was being conveyed in the picture. It fed my ego. It made my awkward ugly girl teen years far more bearable to know that if I wanted something badly enough I could transform myself and change my brand.  

But I never really thought about that being some manifestation from an unhealthy ego that was merely trying to compensate from a wounded and broken self esteem. A self esteem that would soon be dead, just like every other great human being in history. Forget the woman on the cover of Live Through This. Think about the glory and success of someone like Alexander the Great. It was all temporary. That glory lives and dies, and I was coming to realize that even though a part of me would always crave attention, and beauty – it would never be enough. Think of all the stars who lived and died in our culture, momentarily worshiped and then forgotten about. In the end they were as revered and remembered as the smelly homeless woman who nobody wanted to touch. They both lived and died. And even a woman say like Marilyn Monroe who was sensationalized by her death and reached a place of fame where she would always be remembered. I imagine it's very lonely at the top. She's an icon, not a human being to most of us. Is it any wonder that so many CEO's commit suicide? I think that when you base your life on these arbitrary standards of achievement, it makes everyone at the top and the bottom and in between completely miserable. But it's those at the top and those at the bottom who can see it the clearest.

It's not that my ego went away. My ego has never gone away, and I feed it what it wants from time to time. But I was now aware of my own ego. It's healthy to remember how brief and sometimes pointless life can be. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't have goals, but the way I was seeing my place in the world and my personal goals was totally destructive to me. And was it what I really wanted? At one point I wanted to be some kind of punk rock queen. But was that really who I even was? Didn't I just want to be a punk as a backlash against having been rejected by Kyle all those years back? The boy next door turned jock turned me down. I think at that early age, it really represented to me that the 'normal world' was never going to accept me. And Sarah seemed to be able to fit in wherever she went. Granted, the strong rednecks didn't want to have much to do with her, but I was always comparing myself to Sarah. And the funny thing is was that it didn't matter to Sarah if she fit in with anyone or not. She couldn't help who she was – or that she was pretty, or slender. I think privately, she suffered from depression regardless. She wanted to be connected with in a real way just like me. She was just as insecure as me, and maybe more so in some ways. I was attributing my failures onto what I perceived to be her successes, which was just about every conversation she had with anyone that went well, or made the other person think well of her. To her, these were friendly exchanges, nothing more nothing less. But to me, I saw every conversation I had as a competition. Life had up to that point become this competition for me, and when I lost I felt like a failure. And that was wrong. I had projecting my insecurities into the friendship, and it had lent it's hand in nearly ruining our friendship. This wasn't to say that it was all me, but it was a good part of it. It was I think the most immediate and obvious problem.

I now wanted to be the kind of person who, rather than define myself by everything I hated, defined myself by what I did and what I loved. I went over the things in my life that I had always bashed on a daily basis, and when I really observed them objectively, and studied my feelings for what they really were, I found that I didn't dislike half as many things as I thought I did. I still had things I disliked, but far less than before. I didn't want to embody some kind of superficial genre anymore. I didn't even like the idea of that kind of categorization. Because isn't everything made out of everything else to some degree? I wanted to be my true self and reach my full potential. I actually wanted to know myself.

My father ended up being even later that day. It was freezing cold – and I was near tears and it was almost ten o'clock at night. He ended up picking me up with that guitarist he was hanging out with and lending his amps to – John. John seemed kind of messed up. He had just broken up with some woman. My father was all about talking badly about women with John. Their was always a sort of competition of stories about women – or they would take turn listening to rock songs on the radio and making fun of the ones that incorporated synthesizers. I remember feeling really annoyed at my father for acting like a jerk, picking me up five hours after school had closed and not even saying sorry. I had been close to panicking when he finally came by. Of course, my father was notoriously late. He was late to his wedding with my mother back in '91.

For the few weeks that Sarah lingered around, I would try to rush to see her when I could. We drove around a little bit. Thom Yorke had come out with his amazing solo album, and we would listen to it on repeat. She had a somewhat new look about her. She seemed more grown up, a little more reserved. I tried to explain to her what I had come to realize about life, and I do believe she tried to listen. She and I were just in very different places at the time. It was dawning on her I think that she was leaving the world she knew behind. She was leaving me behind, and her mom. Sarah didn't have to deal with some of the problems I had. Sarah – for all her problems was a much calmer and more courteous human being by nature. Her ego rarely got her into issues that manifested themselves out into the open. We didn't have the same chips on our shoulders. She didn't react like me to the world. Life just wasn't so immediate and hostile. So what I was saying didn't really apply to her then. We tried to make the best of it all.

There was a time a few days before she finally tried to leave where I asked my dad if I could travel up to her house to see her. It ended up being this really strange altercation – and it made me realize just how done I was with being a legal child. Normally, my father was pretty lenient about me going up to Sarah's. I wouldn't actually say he ever gave me too much of a problem, at least not in the last few years of my later teens. But when I asked him if I could go up there, he got red in the face and sort of had this attitude in his voice and he said 'NO'. I asked him why. I might have let it go ordinarily, but I wasn't going to be seeing a lot of Sarah. She had to also say goodbye to other people in her family, and I wanted to get as much time in as possible. His answer to my question was this surprising and loud 'BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE!!!' I was shocked and upset. He then started walked towards me as if I was some drunk at the bar who had challenged him to a fight. I looked at him then, with his hat turned backwards all stupid – him trying to pretend he was nineteen again I guess. And I just decided to disregard his insane demands. If he had had any reason that even remotely made sense I would have listened, but this was bordering on mentally unstable. I felt shaken and upset, but I was also so disgusted by this that I held my own at least till I could get a ways up the street where I knew he couldn't see me.

I have this suspicion that Mike and Jenni asked this girl named Tatianna to try to be my friend. I was really closed off. I didn't talk to anyone, and she kept offering to hang out with me – volunteering to be my school work buddy. Tatianna was kind of a brilliant human being. She was gorgeous for one with black curly hair. Her parents were a mix of Chinese, Mexican, Brazilian and Russian. She knew all these languages fluently as well as English. With the knowledge she already possessed, she could easily become a translator.  I definitely felt outclassed by Tatianna and was sort of short and nervous behaving when she did talk to me. She talked to the teachers and Jenni quite a lot. I have a feeling they told her to befriend me, for whatever reason – because I was lonely and they might have been worried about me. Don't get me wrong. I think she was a nice person – I don't fault her for taking recommendations from Mike and Jenni and I actually think she was all the more kindhearted for considering talking to people who needed it, and she didn't at all mind reaching out to people like me. I don't think she was getting paid or anything ridiculous. I feel like Mike had pointed me out, and asked her if she could get me to open up a bit. So she really tried. But it was of no use. I got so nervous when she talked to me, that I could barely understand a word she was saying. When I tried to respond, sometimes I just couldn't speak. I felt confused and incredibly panicked when she talked to me – and whenever she would say something I came to associate it negatively with feeling vulnerable and dimwitted.

Billy's girlfriend for a short time started going up to the alternative school. Because of this, I was able to get rides in the morning from Kendrick to Moscow – which saved my father part of a trip. This didn't last too long. Both of us were very quiet. Her name was Casey. She was the girl I went to The Children of Divorce Club with back when I was in 4th grade. She was not especially bright – though she wasn't that dull either, she was extremely pretty, and overall a doormat to Billy who was never remotely respectful towards her and treated her like a lamp when he was around his buddies. Both of us said very little as we drove to school in the morning. One morning as she was driving us to school that late September morning, she in passing told me something that completely cracked my head open and caused me to reevaluate my entire existence. We had been driving in silence for twenty minutes or so. Then she suddenly after this long period of silence, she spoke up  as she had finally remembered something she was supposed to say to me. She explained how she had told Zack as he came over to visit Billy, that she had been driving me to school. She told me that he had lit up when he heard that. He had gotten extremely excited. She said she had never seen him light up like that before. She then proceeded to explain that Zack really missed me and wanted to get in touch with me. He would be writing me a letter in a few days. He was sorry we hadn't stayed in touch, and he wanted to get in touch with me and hang out with me again. And he had told Casey that he loved me.

Ladies and gentleman, my heart dropped in my chest. I felt literal year of emotional weight fall off me. I felt as in love as the day we had hugged one another in the gym as the school bell rang and my friends looked on semi jealously in '03. It confirmed something my heart always told me, but I had begun to stop believing. Whenever I had been alone or lost in those years, Zack had thought of me too. He had cared about me. I felt like he was looking in my eyes. He loved me. He loved me. He loved me. That is all my mind kept saying all day. My soul felt vibrant. I felt like I suddenly had a purpose again. I was shaking. I felt light. I couldn't wait to get his letter. I knew I would not put off writing him back this time. I had spent literally years of my life going over and over what I had done wrong. I was older now, and I would not make those same mistakes. I would give to the conversations. I would always right back. I would tell Zack the truth. I almost thought this had to be some kind of miracle.

That evening when my father came to pick me up though, he explained to me that he was having no luck being able to afford coming and getting me after school. He didn't want to tell me I had to leave school. He never told me to quit. But I knew it had been coming. I volunteered to drop out. I didn't want to anymore, at least not really, but I just imagined that there wasn't much of a choice. My father could literally not get me on days he worked until much later. It was going to cost him a fortune to drive from Kendrick to Lewiston, up to Moscow and then all the way back to Kendrick again each day. What's more, I wasn't doing well in school anymore. This was technically my twelfth grade, but if I did the math, I would be twenty-one by the time I graduated, and that would only be if I got perfect grades. Despite having a good year the previous year, I would never be able to undo the several years where I had gotten zero credits. This whole thing wasn't working out.

A part of me was hopeful too, that if I could get in touch with Zack and plan to meet him, that this would give me the time I needed to be around him and hopefully we could form a long overdue relationship. I wanted to start my own studying into philosophy as well. As much as I loved what I was learning in the alternative school, I wanted to take what I had learned and apply it to what I was interested in. I didn't know anything about philosophy, other than that it pertained to what I had been thinking about – but what little exposure I had was enough to completely reshape my entire reality. I wanted more of that. I also wanted to start painting again. I was tired of drawing cartoons. I wanted to be a professional painter. I wanted to learn the harmonica. I felt like school was sort of wasting my time. On the other hand, I didn't want to be stuck at home with my parents. That prospect frightened me. Had there been an easier way to get to school – I would have stayed, but it felt like all of this was sort of falling into place. So I conceded with my father, and explained I would drop out. I could tell he felt weird about being relieved to hear his daughter would be dropping out. I could have quit then and there, but I told him I wanted to stay till the end of the week. He was fine with that. I felt that would give Zack enough time to write me.

That night I forgot to eat dinner. I was too wrapped up in this new phase of my life that was coming to pass. I got in the car with Casey the next morning as soon as I could. Casey ten minutes into the drive suddenly said 'Oh Shoot. Zack wrote you a letter, but I forgot to grab it off the coffee table.' My heart sort of sunk and lifted. I wanted that letter. That letter was the key to everything I had suffered for up to that point. This gave her till the next day. During class, Mike had regretfully informed us that we would have to pay for free food. It was an order from above his head. So I didn't have any money of course for food. I was getting pretty hungry. I explained to Mike that I was leaving school. He said he was sorry, and told me I would have to sign out properly the next day with Jenni. He would be sure to tell her. He was very nice about it. Staving off hunger, I was reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It was one of Mike's favorites, and he always told me he thought I would really get into that novel, since it sort of pertained to a lot of the psychological things I noticed about the way power manifests itself. I was anxious about that letter. I was a little misty eyed, looking around at that school. I had really grown as a person since having been there. I would miss the computer room, even mundane places like the hallway to the bathroom meant a lot to me. It had sentimental value to me.

I was very hungry by the time I got home, having missed dinner the night before. I sat upstairs for some time, just sitting on my bed and waiting for dinner to be done cooking. I was busy daydreaming. Eventually I went downstairs to see if dinner was done. Everyone was sitting around the couch. I asked where dinner was, and they all three looked up at me guiltily. They had eaten it all. They forgot about me. My heart sank. In most households, there is always something else to eat. In bigger towns and cities, there is usually at least one grocery story that stays open all night. But in small rural places, that's not the case. My father didn't keep food. He brought food for dinner each night. This actually caused extreme food insecurity in Allison and David. They never got enough, and what there was leftover often times I ate up – not realizing they were that hungry, and eating to suppress my emotional instability. So there was no option for me but to go to bed the next morning.

The next day, I was feeling dizzy. I really was crazed hoping for that letter. This was the day. After this, I wouldn't be going to school anymore, and Zack wouldn't really find a way to get the letter to me. I actually got up the courage to ask Casey finally about the letter as she didn't mention it at first. She looked confused when I asked her. I think she was most likely always stoned. That had to be why she was that way. She said 'Oh damn! Did I leave it in the car? Is it down by your feet?' I looked around, pretending not to be desperate. Eventually she looked distant and forlorn. 'I must have lost it.' My heart sank. I didn't feel like it was the end of the world. I felt like after the ear infection, I had already met with the end of the world. I was just incredibly disappointed. I had to hide it though. I guess Casey had tried her best. And at least now I knew – which was the most important thing – that Zack still loved me. It was disappointing that I would never be able to read that letter he wrote me that he intended for me. It was some kind of terrible coincidence that this was all happening on the last days of school. I tried not to compare it to the ending of Romeo and Juliet. We just missed one another. It was all coincidence. O happy dagger. This is thy sheath.

I was dizzy from hunger and disappointment. I went into Jenni's office for our last meeting. She seemed disappointed that I would be leaving. She tried to talk me out of it, but I explained to her in plain terms that staying in school was now officially impossible. She tried to give me some advice. One thing she told me was that being seventeen was going to be difficult, she said, because your parents still have the rights to control you like you are a youth, but you are technically thinking like an adult, and they will also expect you to live up to adulthood. I took that into consideration. She sort of bantered with me about not wasting my time. I assured her that I would not waste my time. She wanted me to go to college still, which I shrugged off. She said she knew a lot of students that, when they lived with their parents they ended up stuck where they were and they spent all day watching Opera on the couch. I scoffed, as I wasn't a daytime television fan – kind of sidestepping the point she was making. She didn't want to support me on leaving like I was, but she knew that it was out of both her and my hands. I also made the mathematical assessment known that I wouldn't be graduating till I was 21 and only then if my grades were perfect, which I knew they would not be. She had to agree. I remember I was looking at this stack of hearts that said 'Don't Break My Heart By Doing Drugs' on them. I think they were meant for taking notes on. I asked if I could keep one of them as a remembrance item. She let me have one happily. She looked me in the eye, and said 'Go Get Your GED Renee'. I nodded to that.

I wanted to say goodbye to Mike more formally, but hunger had completely taken over all thought by the end of the day. I had never gone without food that long before. It was two and a half days now. I had managed to scrounge up ninety cents on my bedroom floor that morning. Nothing in the gas station across the street from the school was that cheap. I knew I had to do something. I snuck in the kitchen, found a bag of bagels, and I stuffed one in my mouth and devoured it as fast as I could. I then grabbed another one, and ran to the front door. I knew I was supposed to pay for them but I didn't have the money, and I didn't want to be caught stealing. I was just so hungry I couldn't think anymore. Had Mike truly known just how starved I was I am sure he would have let me eat these, but I didn't know. Also, as I grabbed the second bagel, the bag fell off the counter, and I just ran anxiously out the door.

In the gas station, I found the cheapest thing I could afford. It was this package of fig newtons. To back up, I don't enjoy fig newtons at all, but I was so hungry that I crushed these guys in my mouth and I never tasted anything so delightful in my life. I was still shaky, but it was alright. I had gotten my father to agree that I would wait in the gas station rather than outside. I finished reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. That book was so intense and real to me. I was keen on ever subtle thing in the book and what it meant. I felt like it was the perfect novel. I was slightly crying at the end. I was still hungry. I was feeling twelve feelings all at once. It was a lot to look at the big picture and fully come to terms with the reality that school was over. I had made it through twelve years of hell. I had been all these different people, I have loved and lost, and found new reasons to be alive again. I had gone from a good student to a terrible student to a fantastic student. I had made friends and then lost of all of them. And now it was just me against the world. I no longer had to get up and do school work anymore. It felt surreal. I couldn't believe my life was what it was. I felt happy about Zack, sad about Zack. Happy to be out of school, sad to be out. I was still starving. I sat there in a daze. I am sure I looked strange to the other customers in the A&W.  Then my dad came and waved me into the truck, and that was my last day of high school.

PART 59 - https://tinyurl.com/yd79nbcs

PART 58 - https://tinyurl.com/yc3zzr5k PART 57 - https://tinyurl.com/y9slhq2w PART 56 - http://tinyurl.com/y7v9kbn2 PART 55 - http://tinyurl.com/y8fy3uew PART 54 - http://tinyurl.com/yb8nlwvh PART 53 - http://tinyurl.com/yae9wgbj PART 52 - http://tinyurl.com/ybwft2g6 PART 51 - http://tinyurl.com/y9gsjg4j PART 50 - http://tinyurl.com/y7729d45 Part 49 - http://tinyurl.com/ydbpgkqw PART 48 - http://tinyurl.com/ydcn5uuu PART 47 - http://tinyurl.com/y8xyogl9 PART 46 - http://tinyurl.com/ybqoxned PART 45 - http://tinyurl.com/y94784tz PART 44 - http://tinyurl.com/ydfpbzxt PART 43 - http://tinyurl.com/yckvswd7 PART 42 - http://tinyurl.com/ycnng83q PART 41 - http://tinyurl.com/y84kmttv PART 40 - http://tinyurl.com/y8aj6kmq PART 39 - http://tinyurl.com/y97vprft PART 38 - http://tinyurl.com/ycr7la8q PART 37 - http://tinyurl.com/y8trssqd PART 36 - http://tinyurl.com/y9ygq9q8 PART 35 - http://tinyurl.com/ya5xhe2f PART 34 - http://tinyurl.com/yc6y4p69 PART 33 - http://tinyurl.com/y87449dz PART 32 - http://tinyurl.com/ycetanep PART 31 - http://tinyurl.com/yae3o4rd PART 30 - http://tinyurl.com/ybht9aul PART 29 - http://tinyurl.com/ybfcr9j2 PART 28 - http://tinyurl.com/yagdlo47 PART 27 - http://tinyurl.com/ydcj5fgf PART 26 - http://tinyurl.com/y73nvl73 PART 25 -  http://tinyurl.com/y6v6pgoj PART 24 - http://tinyurl.com/ycak5d8r PART 23 - http://tinyurl.com/yac6sk3g PART 22 -  http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw PART 21 -  http://tinyurl.com/y783egno PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8 PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5 PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94 PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84 PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24 PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw   PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2 PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

[nonbinarypastels]

💖tips for people starting high school (or even middle school) this year!💖

🍀 if you're worried about getting lost get a map of the school. i guarantee you every school has a map (they need them in order to plot emergency exit plans) and you can get these either by popping in to your school office and asking the people at the front desk if they have one or by just looking online. mark the location of your classes on the map, jot down your class schedule, and keep it out with you until you can figure out how to get to your classes by memory.

🍀 if you actually do get lost don't be afraid to ask someone for help. my first day of high school i was walking all over the damn place for a good 20 minutes looking for a classroom before i finally went to the front office and asked for directions (i had somehow entirely missed a wing of the school in my wanderings and that was where the class was, yikes). teachers and other adult staff are the best to ask but if none are around find a kid that looks older than you and ask them. someone will know where you need to go and will be able to point you in the right direction, you just have to be willing to ask them as soon as you've realized you have no clue where the hell you're going instead of walking around like a lost duck for so long like i did.

🍀 write your locker combination down somewhere that's easily accessible. even if you're like "ha! it's only three numbers, i can remember that!" write it down. and if you're not comfortable or familiar with using combination locks, look up how to use them online - watch a video or two - and maybe write the instructions for which way to turn them down too. it's not hard but it can be tricky, especially if you've never used a combo lock before and you're already dealing with new school jitters that can throw you off.

🍀 familarize yourself with the rules of your school. your teachers will probably give you a rule booklet on your first day but if not then the rules are likely available to view online. this tip isn't here to be a buzzkill but to caution practicality: different schools have different rules. some of those rules may be weird, some may be unfair, but in any case it's always a good idea to know what is/isn't allowed in your school so you can avoid doing anything that might get you punished (or at least so you'll know that you should hide what you're doing so you don't get caught). specifically be sure you know rules that are about your school's dress code, their policy on snacks and drinks in the classroom (this may be something you need to ask individual teachers about as well, as different teachers may have different views on this), whether phones or other devices are allowed in school, and if you take any kind of medications (down to an over the counter tylenol or benadryl) whether you're allowed to bring those or if you need to fill out some kind of form to get permission first.

🍀 buy your own mini pencil sharpener. these were never on any of my school supply lists but they're one of those things that you're better off having and not needing than needing and not having (trust me you don't want to get up and walk all the way across the room during a test or something to use the teacher's sharpener, they're big and loud and they annoy everyone).

🍀 make it a habit to write things down! write down all of your homework assignments and any projects, their due dates, and any quizzes/tests your teacher tells you about. also go through your planner and mark out any days that your school will be closed or closing early. some schools give out planners at the beginning of every year (mine did) but if yours doesn't then buy one for yourself. it doesn't have to be fancy or anything, they sell decent ones for cheap at stores like dollar tree. just make sure that you use it! it will make your life 100x easier.

🍀 if you're someone who has a period make sure you have a small bag of necessary supplies with you in your bookbag. include a few pads, tampons, or whatever you use. different schools have different policies on bringing medication (such as ibuprofen, tylenol, or other pain killers you might use for cramps + other period symptoms) so please be aware of what your school's policy is before you bring a bottle of pills or even a few loose pills to school with you; even if it's an over the counter drug you can still get in trouble for bringing it to school without permission. if you're not sure of your school's policy your best bet is to drop by the school nurse's office and ask them about it. don't be too embarrassed to talk about period stuff with them, school nurses have seen/heard everything and they are not going to judge you.

🍀 don't freak out about where to sit at lunch. seriously. movies and tv shows make a big deal about this (mean girls, anyone?) but in reality it's just not that big of a deal. if you're lucky you'll share a lunch period with people you know and like and will be able to sit with them but if you don't then don't worry too much about it, either. try finding a table that seems mostly empty and sit down there. people you don't know will probably sit with you and this is okay---you're not obligated to introduce yourself but you're also not obligated to not introduce yourself either, be polite and maybe smile and say hey if you want or just nom your food and mind your business. these kids are no different from you, they just want to eat, and chances are they'll be perfectly fine. if you can't find a mostly empty table, then look for an empty seat next to someone who looks more focused on eating. ask them if you can sit there. 9 times out of 10 they will say yes. sit, eat, wait for the bell, go. repeat the next day. eventually, it'll just be another part of the routine.

🍀 don't bring anything expensive to school unless it can fit in your locker (and you're willing to keep it there) or you know you can keep it with you at all times. i'm not saying your stuff is going to get stolen but i've seen it happen before---kid comes to school, shows off their phone or ipod or something, goes to the bathroom leaving the thing unattended, and whoops! it's gone when they come back. be responsible with your things, especially if they're things you wouldn't want to lose. and if you don't absolutely NEED to bring a thing to school, consider leaving it at home.

🍀 don't bring drugs, alcohol, weapons, or anything else illegal to school. this is common sense y'all. if you don't want a police dog to start barking at your locker and to get in some serious trouble then leave the weed at home where the cops actually need a warrant or some kind of probable cause to come in and find it. the school building is not yours and your locker is not yours, it's the schools. don't bring anything into the school that you're not okay with school staff and school cops finding.

🍀 turn your phone off before you go into the school in the morning. there are very few ways to piss a teacher off quite as quickly as having your phone ring while they're in the middle of speaking or the class is in the middle of a test. not only will they be angry but it's also just super embarrassing and will probably end up with you getting your phone confiscated. also, don't text during class. i know it's tempting but it's not worth getting in trouble for. keep it off and if you can't trust yourself to keep it off then keep it at home.

🍀 manage your time between classes wisely. know how much time there is between class letting out and the bell for the next class ringing and know how long it will take you to get to your next class from where you're at. socializing is good and healthy but don't burn up all of the time you have between classes hanging out talking to people in the hallway because it can wind up making you late. make sure you pee if you've gotta pee and that you have everything you need for your next class.

and for a lot of you beginning middle or high school is usually the first time you'll have a gym class where you have to change your clothes in a locker room or shower around other students. this can obviously cause a lot of anxiety, especially for those of you who might deal with body image issues so here are a few tips for how to potentially deal with that as well as other locker room tips:

🍀 a lot of gym locker rooms have bathroom stalls attached and you can potentially get changed in those rather than out in the open with everyone else. note that some gym teachers may not be okay with students doing this. if that's the case then they'll likely tell you about it on day one of gym class. if they don't mention it then consider it okay but if they don't allow people to get changed in the bathroom then you can always slip into a regular school bathroom prior to gym class and change your clothes there and then change into your regular clothes after gym. as long as you manage your time wisely and don't take too long and wind up late for gym or your next class, you shouldn't get in trouble for this.

🍀 if you have body image issues about how your upper body looks you can consider wearing a long tank-top underneath your regular clothes and, after you change out of your regular clothes, just put your gym shirt on on top of the tank top. you're still changing but no one is actually seeing your chest/skin which reduces some of the anxiety.

🍀 if you have body image issues about your lower body or people seeing you in your underwear you can consider wearing boxers or some kind of shorts-like underwear instead of briefs. these cover more skin than briefs do which can, again, reduce anxiety. no matter what your gender identity is there should be some kind of underwear like this in a pattern/color/material that is comfy for you. alternatively, you could also wear thin leggings under your regular pants (though this may not be feasible for you during summer when it's really hot out).

🍀 if you don't want to shower after gym, no one can force you. just make sure to have a clean set of clothes to change into, make sure you wear deodorant, and carry a packet of nicely scented wipes in your gym bag to wipe down with after gym is over. maybe also spritz a bit of perfume or scented water in your hair.

🍀 keep a pair of fresh socks in your gym bag. everyone knows to bring their gym clothes but a lot of people forget to bring a pair of clean socks and you really need to. your feet will get sweaty and hot and even if they don't start to stink it's still going to be really uncomfortable to wear them until you get home.

🍀 actually wash your gym clothes. YMMV, i don't know how much y'all sweat or stink, but be sure you wash your gym clothes at least once a week because no matter what your body odor level is they will start to stink after awhile. if your clothes get particularly funky then wash them in a mix of antibacterial soap and baking soda---the soap will kill the germs and the baking soda will make them smell good again.

🍀 and speaking of stink, if your gym shoes start to smell funky buy some baking soda spray and spray the hell out of them too.

🍀 be respectful of other people in the locker room. don't make comments about other people's bodies that could make them feel uncomfortable or upset. if you make any kind of mess, clean it up. if the locker room has bathroom stalls attached, don't hog them - always be aware of how much time you're spending in there or in front of the mirror and whether there's anyone standing around who needs to get into a stall or use a sink. and if you use perfume or body spray or any other kind of aerosol, for the love of god and asthmatics everywhere, don't use too much of it---not to call anyone out but you young dudes out there who are just beginning your manly love affair with AXE body spray need to be especially on notice over this. when i was in middle school boys used so much AXE that you could see the waves of it drifting out of their locker room and making its way across the gym. i know y'all want to smell good but that shit can choke people out, i promise you that you don't need to use quite THAT much in order to smell nice.

🍀 stand up to bullying and body shaming when you see it happen. if you see something, say something. if another student is being bullied in the locker room, stand up for them. sometimes the only thing it takes for a bully to stop is for other people to tell them to shut the fuck up and make it clear that their behavior isn't acceptable. reach out to classmates of yours who you see being bullied and body shamed even when you don't know them. you don't have to be friends with someone in order to understand that they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. defend people who are being attacked and taken advantage of and make sure they know that they deserve better.

💖 💖 if i missed anything please feel free to add on to this list!!! 💖 💖

[newstfionline]

The Really Big One

By Kathryn Schulz, The New Yorker, July 20, 2015 Issue

When the 2011 earthquake and tsunami struck Tohoku, Japan, Chris Goldfinger was two hundred miles away, in the city of Kashiwa, at an international meeting on seismology. As the shaking started, everyone in the room began to laugh. Earthquakes are common in Japan--that one was the third of the week--and the participants were, after all, at a seismology conference. Then everyone in the room checked the time.

Seismologists know that how long an earthquake lasts is a decent proxy for its magnitude. The 1989 earthquake in Loma Prieta, California, which killed sixty-three people and caused six billion dollars’ worth of damage, lasted about fifteen seconds and had a magnitude of 6.9. A thirty-second earthquake generally has a magnitude in the mid-sevens. A minute-long quake is in the high sevens, a two-minute quake has entered the eights, and a three-minute quake is in the high eights. By four minutes, an earthquake has hit magnitude 9.0.

When Goldfinger looked at his watch, it was quarter to three. The conference was wrapping up for the day. He was thinking about sushi. The speaker at the lectern was wondering if he should carry on with his talk. The earthquake was not particularly strong. Then it ticked past the sixty-second mark, making it longer than the others that week. The shaking intensified. The seats in the conference room were small plastic desks with wheels. Goldfinger, who is tall and solidly built, thought, No way am I crouching under one of those for cover. At a minute and a half, everyone in the room got up and went outside.

It was March. There was a chill in the air, and snow flurries, but no snow on the ground. Nor, from the feel of it, was there ground on the ground. The earth snapped and popped and rippled. It was, Goldfinger thought, like driving through rocky terrain in a vehicle with no shocks, if both the vehicle and the terrain were also on a raft in high seas. The quake passed the two-minute mark. The trees, still hung with the previous autumn’s dead leaves, were making a strange rattling sound. The flagpole atop the building he and his colleagues had just vacated was whipping through an arc of forty degrees. The building itself was base-isolated, a seismic-safety technology in which the body of a structure rests on movable bearings rather than directly on its foundation. Goldfinger lurched over to take a look. The base was lurching, too, back and forth a foot at a time, digging a trench in the yard. He thought better of it, and lurched away. His watch swept past the three-minute mark and kept going.

Oh, s--t, Goldfinger thought, although not in dread, at first: in amazement. For decades, seismologists had believed that Japan could not experience an earthquake stronger than magnitude 8.4. In 2005, however, at a conference in Hokudan, a Japanese geologist named Yasutaka Ikeda had argued that the nation should expect a magnitude 9.0 in the near future--with catastrophic consequences, because Japan’s famous earthquake-and-tsunami preparedness, including the height of its sea walls, was based on incorrect science. The presentation was met with polite applause and thereafter largely ignored. Now, Goldfinger realized as the shaking hit the four-minute mark, the planet was proving the Japanese Cassandra right.

For a moment, that was pretty cool: a real-time revolution in earthquake science. Almost immediately, though, it became extremely uncool, because Goldfinger and every other seismologist standing outside in Kashiwa knew what was coming. One of them pulled out a cell phone and started streaming videos from the Japanese broadcasting station NHK, shot by helicopters that had flown out to sea soon after the shaking started. Thirty minutes after Goldfinger first stepped outside, he watched the tsunami roll in, in real time, on a two-inch screen.

In the end, the magnitude-9.0 Tohoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami killed more than eighteen thousand people, devastated northeast Japan, triggered the meltdown at the Fukushima power plant, and cost an estimated two hundred and twenty billion dollars. The shaking earlier in the week turned out to be the foreshocks of the largest earthquake in the nation’s recorded history. But for Chris Goldfinger, a paleoseismologist at Oregon State University and one of the world’s leading experts on a little-known fault line, the main quake was itself a kind of foreshock: a preview of another earthquake still to come.

Most people in the United States know just one fault line by name: the San Andreas, which runs nearly the length of California and is perpetually rumored to be on the verge of unleashing “the big one.” That rumor is misleading, no matter what the San Andreas ever does. Every fault line has an upper limit to its potency, determined by its length and width, and by how far it can slip. For the San Andreas, one of the most extensively studied and best understood fault lines in the world, that upper limit is roughly an 8.2--a powerful earthquake, but, because the Richter scale is logarithmic, only six per cent as strong as the 2011 event in Japan.

Just north of the San Andreas, however, lies another fault line. Known as the Cascadia subduction zone, it runs for seven hundred miles off the coast of the Pacific Northwest, beginning near Cape Mendocino, California, continuing along Oregon and Washington, and terminating around Vancouver Island, Canada. The “Cascadia” part of its name comes from the Cascade Range, a chain of volcanic mountains that follow the same course a hundred or so miles inland. The “subduction zone” part refers to a region of the planet where one tectonic plate is sliding underneath (subducting) another. Tectonic plates are those slabs of mantle and crust that, in their epochs-long drift, rearrange the earth’s continents and oceans. Most of the time, their movement is slow, harmless, and all but undetectable. Occasionally, at the borders where they meet, it is not.

Take your hands and hold them palms down, middle fingertips touching. Your right hand represents the North American tectonic plate, which bears on its back, among other things, our entire continent, from One World Trade Center to the Space Needle, in Seattle. Your left hand represents an oceanic plate called Juan de Fuca, ninety thousand square miles in size. The place where they meet is the Cascadia subduction zone. Now slide your left hand under your right one. That is what the Juan de Fuca plate is doing: slipping steadily beneath North America. When you try it, your right hand will slide up your left arm, as if you were pushing up your sleeve. That is what North America is not doing. It is stuck, wedged tight against the surface of the other plate.

Without moving your hands, curl your right knuckles up, so that they point toward the ceiling. Under pressure from Juan de Fuca, the stuck edge of North America is bulging upward and compressing eastward, at the rate of, respectively, three to four millimetres and thirty to forty millimetres a year. It can do so for quite some time, because, as continent stuff goes, it is young, made of rock that is still relatively elastic. (Rocks, like us, get stiffer as they age.) But it cannot do so indefinitely. There is a backstop--the craton, that ancient unbudgeable mass at the center of the continent--and, sooner or later, North America will rebound like a spring. If, on that occasion, only the southern part of the Cascadia subduction zone gives way--your first two fingers, say--the magnitude of the resulting quake will be somewhere between 8.0 and 8.6. That’s the big one. If the entire zone gives way at once, an event that seismologists call a full-margin rupture, the magnitude will be somewhere between 8.7 and 9.2. That’s the very big one.

Flick your right fingers outward, forcefully, so that your hand flattens back down again. When the next very big earthquake hits, the northwest edge of the continent, from California to Canada and the continental shelf to the Cascades, will drop by as much as six feet and rebound thirty to a hundred feet to the west--losing, within minutes, all the elevation and compression it has gained over centuries. Some of that shift will take place beneath the ocean, displacing a colossal quantity of seawater. (Watch what your fingertips do when you flatten your hand.) The water will surge upward into a huge hill, then promptly collapse. One side will rush west, toward Japan. The other side will rush east, in a seven-hundred-mile liquid wall that will reach the Northwest coast, on average, fifteen minutes after the earthquake begins. By the time the shaking has ceased and the tsunami has receded, the region will be unrecognizable. Kenneth Murphy, who directs fema’s Region X, the division responsible for Oregon, Washington, Idaho, and Alaska, says, “Our operating assumption is that everything west of Interstate 5 will be toast.”

In the Pacific Northwest, the area of impact will cover* some hundred and forty thousand square miles, including Seattle, Tacoma, Portland, Eugene, Salem (the capital city of Oregon), Olympia (the capital of Washington), and some seven million people. When the next full-margin rupture happens, that region will suffer the worst natural disaster in the history of North America. Roughly three thousand people died in San Francisco’s 1906 earthquake. Almost two thousand died in Hurricane Katrina. Almost three hundred died in Hurricane Sandy. FEMA projects that nearly thirteen thousand people will die in the Cascadia earthquake and tsunami. Another twenty-seven thousand will be injured, and the agency expects that it will need to provide shelter for a million displaced people, and food and water for another two and a half million. “This is one time that I’m hoping all the science is wrong, and it won’t happen for another thousand years,” Murphy says.

In fact, the science is robust, and one of the chief scientists behind it is Chris Goldfinger. Thanks to work done by him and his colleagues, we now know that the odds of the big Cascadia earthquake happening in the next fifty years are roughly one in three. The odds of the very big one are roughly one in ten. Even those numbers do not fully reflect the danger--or, more to the point, how unprepared the Pacific Northwest is to face it. The truly worrisome figures in this story are these: Thirty years ago, no one knew that the Cascadia subduction zone had ever produced a major earthquake. Forty-five years ago, no one even knew it existed.

In May of 1804, Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, together with their Corps of Discovery, set off from St. Louis on America’s first official cross-country expedition. Eighteen months later, they reached the Pacific Ocean and made camp near the present-day town of Astoria, Oregon. The United States was, at the time, twenty-nine years old. Canada was not yet a country. The continent’s far expanses were so unknown to its white explorers that Thomas Jefferson, who commissioned the journey, thought that the men would come across woolly mammoths. Native Americans had lived in the Northwest for millennia, but they had no written language, and the many things to which the arriving Europeans subjected them did not include seismological inquiries. The newcomers took the land they encountered at face value, and at face value it was a find: vast, cheap, temperate, fertile, and, to all appearances, remarkably benign.

A century and a half elapsed before anyone had any inkling that the Pacific Northwest was not a quiet place but a place in a long period of quiet. It took another fifty years to uncover and interpret the region’s seismic history. Geology, as even geologists will tell you, is not normally the sexiest of disciplines. But, sooner or later, every field has its field day, and the discovery of the Cascadia subduction zone stands as one of the greatest scientific detective stories of our time.

The first clue came from geography. Almost all of the world’s most powerful earthquakes occur in the Ring of Fire, the volcanically and seismically volatile swath of the Pacific that runs from New Zealand up through Indonesia and Japan, across the ocean to Alaska, and down the west coast of the Americas to Chile. Japan, 2011, magnitude 9.0; Indonesia, 2004, magnitude 9.1; Alaska, 1964, magnitude 9.2; Chile, 1960, magnitude 9.5--not until the late nineteen-sixties, with the rise of the theory of plate tectonics, could geologists explain this pattern. The Ring of Fire, it turns out, is really a ring of subduction zones. Nearly all the earthquakes in the region are caused by continental plates getting stuck on oceanic plates--as North America is stuck on Juan de Fuca--and then getting abruptly unstuck. And nearly all the volcanoes are caused by the oceanic plates sliding deep beneath the continental ones, eventually reaching temperatures and pressures so extreme that they melt the rock above them.

The Pacific Northwest sits squarely within the Ring of Fire. Off its coast, an oceanic plate is slipping beneath a continental one. Inland, the Cascade volcanoes mark the line where, far below, the Juan de Fuca plate is heating up and melting everything above it. In other words, the Cascadia subduction zone has, as Goldfinger put it, “all the right anatomical parts.” Yet not once in recorded history has it caused a major earthquake--or, for that matter, any quake to speak of. By contrast, other subduction zones produce major earthquakes occasionally and minor ones all the time: magnitude 5.0, magnitude 4.0, magnitude why are the neighbors moving their sofa at midnight. You can scarcely spend a week in Japan without feeling this sort of earthquake. You can spend a lifetime in many parts of the Northwest--several, in fact, if you had them to spend--and not feel so much as a quiver. The question facing geologists in the nineteen-seventies was whether the Cascadia subduction zone had ever broken its eerie silence.

In the late nineteen-eighties, Brian Atwater, a geologist with the United States Geological Survey, and a graduate student named David Yamaguchi found the answer, and another major clue in the Cascadia puzzle. Their discovery is best illustrated in a place called the ghost forest, a grove of western red cedars on the banks of the Copalis River, near the Washington coast. When I paddled out to it last summer, with Atwater and Yamaguchi, it was easy to see how it got its name. The cedars are spread out across a low salt marsh on a wide northern bend in the river, long dead but still standing. Leafless, branchless, barkless, they are reduced to their trunks and worn to a smooth silver-gray.

What killed the trees in the ghost forest was saltwater. It had long been assumed that they died slowly, as the sea level around them gradually rose and submerged their roots. But, by 1987, Atwater, who had found in soil layers evidence of sudden land subsidence along the Washington coast, suspected that that was backward--that the trees had died quickly when the ground beneath them plummeted. To find out, he teamed up with Yamaguchi, a specialist in dendrochronology, the study of growth-ring patterns in trees. Yamaguchi took samples of the cedars and found that they had died simultaneously: in tree after tree, the final rings dated to the summer of 1699. Since trees do not grow in the winter, he and Atwater concluded that sometime between August of 1699 and May of 1700 an earthquake had caused the land to drop and killed the cedars. That time frame predated by more than a hundred years the written history of the Pacific Northwest--and so, by rights, the detective story should have ended there.

But it did not. If you travel five thousand miles due west from the ghost forest, you reach the northeast coast of Japan. As the events of 2011 made clear, that coast is vulnerable to tsunamis, and the Japanese have kept track of them since at least 599 A.D. In that fourteen-hundred-year history, one incident has long stood out for its strangeness. On the eighth day of the twelfth month of the twelfth year of the Genroku era, a six-hundred-mile-long wave struck the coast, levelling homes, breaching a castle moat, and causing an accident at sea. The Japanese understood that tsunamis were the result of earthquakes, yet no one felt the ground shake before the Genroku event. The wave had no discernible origin. When scientists began studying it, they called it an orphan tsunami.

Finally, in a 1996 article in Nature, a seismologist named Kenji Satake and three colleagues, drawing on the work of Atwater and Yamaguchi, matched that orphan to its parent--and thereby filled in the blanks in the Cascadia story with uncanny specificity. At approximately nine o’ clock at night on January 26, 1700, a magnitude-9.0 earthquake struck the Pacific Northwest, causing sudden land subsidence, drowning coastal forests, and, out in the ocean, lifting up a wave half the length of a continent. It took roughly fifteen minutes for the Eastern half of that wave to strike the Northwest coast. It took ten hours for the other half to cross the ocean. It reached Japan on January 27, 1700: by the local calendar, the eighth day of the twelfth month of the twelfth year of Genroku.

Once scientists had reconstructed the 1700 earthquake, certain previously overlooked accounts also came to seem like clues. In 1964, Chief Louis Nookmis, of the Huu-ay-aht First Nation, in British Columbia, told a story, passed down through seven generations, about the eradication of Vancouver Island’s Pachena Bay people. “I think it was at nighttime that the land shook,” Nookmis recalled. According to another tribal history, “They sank at once, were all drowned; not one survived.” A hundred years earlier, Billy Balch, a leader of the Makah tribe, recounted a similar story. Before his own time, he said, all the water had receded from Washington State’s Neah Bay, then suddenly poured back in, inundating the entire region. Those who survived later found canoes hanging from the trees. In a 2005 study, Ruth Ludwin, then a seismologist at the University of Washington, together with nine colleagues, collected and analyzed Native American reports of earthquakes and saltwater floods. Some of those reports contained enough information to estimate a date range for the events they described. On average, the midpoint of that range was 1701.

The reconstruction of the Cascadia earthquake of 1700 is one of those rare natural puzzles whose pieces fit together as tectonic plates do not: perfectly. It is wonderful science. It was wonderful for science. And it was terrible news for the millions of inhabitants of the Pacific Northwest. As Goldfinger put it, “In the late eighties and early nineties, the paradigm shifted to ‘uh-oh.’”

Goldfinger told me this in his lab at Oregon State. Thanks to his work, we now know that the Pacific Northwest has experienced forty-one subduction-zone earthquakes in the past ten thousand years. If you divide ten thousand by forty-one, you get two hundred and forty-three, which is Cascadia’s recurrence interval: the average amount of time that elapses between earthquakes. That timespan is dangerous both because it is too long--long enough for us to unwittingly build an entire civilization on top of our continent’s worst fault line--and because it is not long enough. Counting from the earthquake of 1700, we are now three hundred and fifteen years into a two-hundred-and-forty-three-year cycle.

It is possible to quibble with that number. Recurrence intervals are averages, and averages are tricky: ten is the average of nine and eleven, but also of eighteen and two. It is not possible, however, to dispute the scale of the problem. The devastation in Japan in 2011 was the result of a discrepancy between what the best science predicted and what the region was prepared to withstand. The same will hold true in the Pacific Northwest--but here the discrepancy is enormous. “The science part is fun,” Goldfinger says. “And I love doing it. But the gap between what we know and what we should do about it is getting bigger and bigger, and the action really needs to turn to responding. Otherwise, we’re going to be hammered. I’ve been through one of these massive earthquakes in the most seismically prepared nation on earth. If that was Portland”--Goldfinger finished the sentence with a shake of his head before he finished it with words. “Let’s just say I would rather not be here.”

The first sign that the Cascadia earthquake has begun will be a compressional wave, radiating outward from the fault line. Compressional waves are fast-moving, high-frequency waves, audible to dogs and certain other animals but experienced by humans only as a sudden jolt. They are not very harmful, but they are potentially very useful, since they travel fast enough to be detected by sensors thirty to ninety seconds ahead of other seismic waves. That is enough time for earthquake early-warning systems, such as those in use throughout Japan, to automatically perform a variety of lifesaving functions: shutting down railways and power plants, opening elevators and firehouse doors, alerting hospitals to halt surgeries, and triggering alarms so that the general public can take cover. The Pacific Northwest has no early-warning system. When the Cascadia earthquake begins, there will be, instead, a cacophony of barking dogs and a long, suspended, what-was-that moment before the surface waves arrive. Surface waves are slower, lower-frequency waves that move the ground both up and down and side to side: the shaking, starting in earnest.

Soon after that shaking begins, the electrical grid will fail, likely everywhere west of the Cascades and possibly well beyond. If it happens at night, the ensuing catastrophe will unfold in darkness. In theory, those who are at home when it hits should be safest; it is easy and relatively inexpensive to seismically safeguard a private dwelling. But, lulled into nonchalance by their seemingly benign environment, most people in the Pacific Northwest have not done so. That nonchalance will shatter instantly. So will everything made of glass. Anything indoors and unsecured will lurch across the floor or come crashing down: bookshelves, lamps, computers, canisters of flour in the pantry. Refrigerators will walk out of kitchens, unplugging themselves and toppling over. Water heaters will fall and smash interior gas lines. Houses that are not bolted to their foundations will slide off--or, rather, they will stay put, obeying inertia, while the foundations, together with the rest of the Northwest, jolt westward. Unmoored on the undulating ground, the homes will begin to collapse.

Across the region, other, larger structures will also start to fail. Until 1974, the state of Oregon had no seismic code, and few places in the Pacific Northwest had one appropriate to a magnitude-9.0 earthquake until 1994. The vast majority of buildings in the region were constructed before then. Ian Madin, who directs the Oregon Department of Geology and Mineral Industries (dogami), estimates that seventy-five per cent of all structures in the state are not designed to withstand a major Cascadia quake. FEMA calculates that, across the region, something on the order of a million buildings--more than three thousand of them schools--will collapse or be compromised in the earthquake. So will half of all highway bridges, fifteen of the seventeen bridges spanning Portland’s two rivers, and two-thirds of railways and airports; also, one-third of all fire stations, half of all police stations, and two-thirds of all hospitals.

The shaking from the Cascadia quake will set off landslides throughout the region--up to thirty thousand of them in Seattle alone, the city’s emergency-management office estimates. It will also induce a process called liquefaction, whereby seemingly solid ground starts behaving like a liquid, to the detriment of anything on top of it. Fifteen per cent of Seattle is built on liquefiable land, including seventeen day-care centers and the homes of some thirty-four thousand five hundred people. So is Oregon’s critical energy-infrastructure hub, a six-mile stretch of Portland through which flows ninety per cent of the state’s liquid fuel and which houses everything from electrical substations to natural-gas terminals. Together, the sloshing, sliding, and shaking will trigger fires, flooding, pipe failures, dam breaches, and hazardous-material spills. Any one of these second-order disasters could swamp the original earthquake in terms of cost, damage, or casualties--and one of them definitely will. Four to six minutes after the dogs start barking, the shaking will subside. For another few minutes, the region, upended, will continue to fall apart on its own. Then the wave will arrive, and the real destruction will begin.

Among natural disasters, tsunamis may be the closest to being completely unsurvivable. The only likely way to outlive one is not to be there when it happens: to steer clear of the vulnerable area in the first place, or get yourself to high ground as fast as possible. For the seventy-one thousand people who live in Cascadia’s inundation zone, that will mean evacuating in the narrow window after one disaster ends and before another begins. They will be notified to do so only by the earthquake itself--”a vibrate-alert system,” Kevin Cupples, the city planner for the town of Seaside, Oregon, jokes--and they are urged to leave on foot, since the earthquake will render roads impassable. Depending on location, they will have between ten and thirty minutes to get out. That time line does not allow for finding a flashlight, tending to an earthquake injury, hesitating amid the ruins of a home, searching for loved ones, or being a Good Samaritan. “When that tsunami is coming, you run,” Jay Wilson, the chair of the Oregon Seismic Safety Policy Advisory Commission (osspac), says. “You protect yourself, you don’t turn around, you don’t go back to save anybody. You run for your life.”

The time to save people from a tsunami is before it happens, but the region has not yet taken serious steps toward doing so. Hotels and businesses are not required to post evacuation routes or to provide employees with evacuation training. In Oregon, it has been illegal since 1995 to build hospitals, schools, firehouses, and police stations in the inundation zone, but those which are already in it can stay, and any other new construction is permissible: energy facilities, hotels, retirement homes. In those cases, builders are required only to consult with dogami about evacuation plans. “So you come in and sit down,” Ian Madin says. “And I say, ‘That’s a stupid idea.’ And you say, ‘Thanks. Now we’ve consulted.’”

These lax safety policies guarantee that many people inside the inundation zone will not get out. Twenty-two per cent of Oregon’s coastal population is sixty-five or older. Twenty-nine per cent of the state’s population is disabled, and that figure rises in many coastal counties. “We can’t save them,” Kevin Cupples says. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say, ‘Oh, yeah, we’ll go around and check on the elderly.’ No. We won’t.” Nor will anyone save the tourists. Washington State Park properties within the inundation zone see an average of seventeen thousand and twenty-nine guests a day. Madin estimates that up to a hundred and fifty thousand people visit Oregon’s beaches on summer weekends. “Most of them won’t have a clue as to how to evacuate,” he says. “And the beaches are the hardest place to evacuate from.”

Those who cannot get out of the inundation zone under their own power will quickly be overtaken by a greater one. A grown man is knocked over by ankle-deep water moving at 6.7 miles an hour. The tsunami will be moving more than twice that fast when it arrives. Its height will vary with the contours of the coast, from twenty feet to more than a hundred feet. It will not look like a Hokusai-style wave, rising up from the surface of the sea and breaking from above. It will look like the whole ocean, elevated, overtaking land. Nor will it be made only of water--not once it reaches the shore. It will be a five-story deluge of pickup trucks and doorframes and cinder blocks and fishing boats and utility poles and everything else that once constituted the coastal towns of the Pacific Northwest.

To see the full scale of the devastation when that tsunami recedes, you would need to be in the international space station. The inundation zone will be scoured of structures from California to Canada. The earthquake will have wrought its worst havoc west of the Cascades but caused damage as far away as Sacramento, California--as distant from the worst-hit areas as Fort Wayne, Indiana, is from New York. FEMA expects to coordinate search-and-rescue operations across a hundred thousand square miles and in the waters off four hundred and fifty-three miles of coastline. As for casualties: the figures I cited earlier--twenty-seven thousand injured, almost thirteen thousand dead--are based on the agency’s official planning scenario, which has the earthquake striking at 9:41 a.m. on February 6th. If, instead, it strikes in the summer, when the beaches are full, those numbers could be off by a horrifying margin.

Wineglasses, antique vases, Humpty Dumpty, hip bones, hearts: what breaks quickly generally mends slowly, if at all. OSSPAC estimates that in the I-5 corridor it will take between one and three months after the earthquake to restore electricity, a month to a year to restore drinking water and sewer service, six months to a year to restore major highways, and eighteen months to restore health-care facilities. On the coast, those numbers go up. Whoever chooses or has no choice but to stay there will spend three to six months without electricity, one to three years without drinking water and sewage systems, and three or more years without hospitals. Those estimates do not apply to the tsunami-inundation zone, which will remain all but uninhabitable for years.

How much all this will cost is anyone’s guess; FEMA puts every number on its relief-and-recovery plan except a price. But whatever the ultimate figure--and even though U.S. taxpayers will cover seventy-five to a hundred per cent of the damage, as happens in declared disasters--the economy of the Pacific Northwest will collapse. Crippled by a lack of basic services, businesses will fail or move away. Many residents will flee as well. OSSPAC predicts a mass-displacement event and a long-term population downturn. Chris Goldfinger didn’t want to be there when it happened. But, by many metrics, it will be as bad or worse to be there afterward.

The Cascadia situation, a calamity in its own right, is also a parable for this age of ecological reckoning, and the questions it raises are ones that we all now face. How should a society respond to a looming crisis of uncertain timing but of catastrophic proportions? How can it begin to right itself when its entire infrastructure and culture developed in a way that leaves it profoundly vulnerable to natural disaster?

The last person I met with in the Pacific Northwest was Doug Dougherty, the superintendent of schools for Seaside, which lies almost entirely within the tsunami-inundation zone. Of the four schools that Dougherty oversees, with a total student population of sixteen hundred, one is relatively safe. The others sit five to fifteen feet above sea level. When the tsunami comes, they will be as much as forty-five feet below it.

In 2009, Dougherty told me, he found some land for sale outside the inundation zone, and proposed building a new K-12 campus there. Four years later, to foot the hundred-and-twenty-eight-million-dollar bill, the district put up a bond measure. The tax increase for residents amounted to two dollars and sixteen cents per thousand dollars of property value. The measure failed by sixty-two per cent. Dougherty tried seeking help from Oregon’s congressional delegation but came up empty. The state makes money available for seismic upgrades, but buildings within the inundation zone cannot apply. At present, all Dougherty can do is make sure that his students know how to evacuate.

Some of them, however, will not be able to do so. At an elementary school in the community of Gearhart, the children will be trapped. “They can’t make it out from that school,” Dougherty said. “They have no place to go.” On one side lies the ocean; on the other, a wide, roadless bog. When the tsunami comes, the only place to go in Gearhart is a small ridge just behind the school. At its tallest, it is forty-five feet high--lower than the expected wave in a full-margin earthquake. For now, the route to the ridge is marked by signs that say “Temporary Tsunami Assembly Area.” I asked Dougherty about the state’s long-range plan. “There is no long-range plan,” he said.

Dougherty’s office is deep inside the inundation zone, a few blocks from the beach. All day long, just out of sight, the ocean rises up and collapses, spilling foamy overlapping ovals onto the shore. Eighty miles farther out, ten thousand feet below the surface of the sea, the hand of a geological clock is somewhere in its slow sweep. All across the region, seismologists are looking at their watches, wondering how long we have, and what we will do, before geological time catches up to our own.

[evanvanness]

Annotated edition, Week in Ethereum News, March 15 issue

The number of EthCC attendees (for the record, most people I talk to now think the afterparty was the main spreading event) testing positive since I published the newsletter, even while many can’t get tested.  So no caffeine or beer for me just in case I’m affected (though I left the afterparty very early), and that lack of caffeine is pulling me down just a little.   This might be a low-energy, “please clap” Jeb annotated issue.

Eth1

Overlay method for hex to binary tree conversion

A summary of the post-EthCC Stateless Eth meetings. Renewed focus on sync, particularly getNodeData

A writeup post-stateless ETH summit after ethCC as well as a summary.  Quiet times usually follow productive meetings, hence only 2 bullet points this week.

Eth2

Latest Eth2 call. Notes from Ben and Mamy. Phase 1 prototyping coming soon

Latest phase0 spec v0.11, the target for stable multi-client testnet

Ben Edgington’s notes from networking call

Nimbus client update – interop this month, discussion around constraints of running eth2 client on mobile devices

Two phase2 ethresearch posts: Appraisal of Non-sequential Receipt Cross-shard Transactions and Atomic Cross Shard Function Calls using System Events, Live Parameter Checking, & Contract Locking

Vitalik’s Using polynomial commitments to replace state roots, though this is not likely to hit the current roadmap. More context from listening to Justin Drake and Vitalik Buterin on Zero Knowledge

So my current estimate (completely my own) is that we’re likely looking at late q2 for phase0 launch.   But who knows, maybe getting locked down will provide a small speedup?  <wry grin>

I continue to think that by far the most important thing after shipping phase 0 is turning off proof of work.  Stop wasting electricity!  Cut issuance!

Stuff for developers

Solidity v0.6.4

A storage layout for proxy contracts taking advantage of Solidity v0.6.4

EthGlobal’s survey of Eth developers

10x smaller Javascript signer/verifier

Interacting with Ethereum using a shell through Incubed ultra-light client

Groth16 bellman proof verifier

Templates with pre-filled contract ABIs, addresses and subgraphs for Aave, Compound, Sablier, Uniswap

Prysmatic’s service registry pattern in Go

Implementing Merkle Trees and Patricia Tries in Node.js

Pipline onchain interpreted language vid

Austin Griffith vid on wallet module for eth.build

OpenZeppelin points out that a malicious deployer can backdoor your Gnosis Safe

SmartBugs: framework for executing Solidity automated analysis tools, with an academic paper comparing tool performance

I probably should’ve added that your Gnosis Safe is always safe if you used the official front end of the mobile app.

Crypto carnage, Maker liquidations

Thursday’s global selloff of risk assets led to the most negative price action day of crypto’s short history. The selloff inflated gas prices (~200 gwei) which caused trouble for Maker. The Maker oracles stopped working for an hour or two.

Maker liquidation auctions went off for nearly 0 DAI as bots bidding on those auctions got caught in high gas prices and ran out of DAI, leading several different bot maintainers to make ~8m USD in ETH by bidding just above zero in a few disparate time periods.

As a result, the Maker system surplus became a 5.7m Dai deficit (as of the time of publication). To improve incentives, Maker governance changed some parameters and to recoup the debt MKR will be auctioned onchain for lots of 50,000 Dai on the morning (UTC) of March 19th.

Community members have started a backstop to ensure the deficit is covered

Here is a writeup of the Maker liquidations with data and graphs

Just published: Maker governance proposal to change DSR to 0 and Stability Fee to 0.5%, GSM to 4 hours, and a decentralized circuitbreaker for auctions

An interesting thing I just learned is that Maker’s standard keeper apparently only works in Parity, not with Geth or Infura.  So that’s another ramification of the Kovan/Rinkeby split, and getting Maker to use Kovan.

In the meantime, USDC has been added as a collateral.  It’s rather strange but USDC perhaps makes sense as a way to mint DAI in times of stress and get closer to the peg.  Seems like the Stability Fee should be set high here though, as you really only want people using it in times of needing Dai, eg in auctions.  Right now it’s 20%, i’m not sure that’s as high as it should be.

This newsletter doesn’t often mention price and market-related matters.  But it’s quite clear that crypto is not a safe haven in crisis.   Could it be in the future?  Perhaps, but all the hedge funds and institutional money simply exacerbate volatility.  Where we’re at is that when people wanted to take risk off the table, they viewed crypto as a risk asset - and Bitcoin got hit the hardest because it had survived the best in crypto winter, despite there being no reason whatsoever for it to have done the best.

Ecosystem

Prysmatic’s Raul Jordan: Eth2 is happening, it is shipping, and we’re going to make it a reality no matter what

EthIndia’s online hackathon winners

DuneAnalytic’s stats for smart contract wallets

4GB DAG size and potential hashrate impact

So far, 9 attendees of EthCC have tested positive for COVID-19

A fun parlor game: what will be the next big ETH event?  Devcon?  Or something before, or something after?   I think we’re going to see a lot more online hackathons - and probably more sponsorship dollars for them.  Perhaps more sponsorship fiat for newsletter subscriptions too?  

Raul’s post on eth2 was the most clicked of the week.

Enterprise

End to end transport layer security with Hyperledger Besu v1.4

DAML now available on Besu

Paul Brody talks Baseline Protocol on Into the Ether

How Citi and ConsenSys use Ethereum for commodities trade finance

Nice komgo writeup.  Also interesting to see that the bet of Besu seems to be paying off with enterprise privatechain stuff like DAML even on Besu.

Governance, DAOs, and standards

Livepeer’s proposed governance roadmap

SingularDTV announces snglsDAO Foundation for their media protocol press release

Aragon removes AGP voting for ANT holders

What DAOs can learn from the Swedish Pirate Party

How to quickly create your own DAOstack DAO

FakerDAO – pool your MKR to sell votes to highest bidder

Governance as a whole has probably been one of Ethereum’s weak points.  Not as bad as governance-by-Blockstream, but still not great.  People don’t turn out to vote so direct voting doesn’t work (to wit, Aragon removing voting which was the only use for ANT) - and yet one of the solutions for people not voting actually penalizes people for voting, as I’ve found out in DxDAO.   I’m hopeful for some of the solutions but to date long-term governance of everything is mostly an unsolved issue.

Application layer

Numerai’s ErasureBay live on mainnet. A marketplace for any kind of information, where the buyer can slash the seller if they don’t like the information

DeFiSaver’s 1click transaction CDP closing using flashloans

Gnosis’ Gibraltar-regulated Sight political markets are live

Update on Augur v2. tldr: it’s close

Balancer’s code is open source

bZx’s mea culpa post mortem of the attacks. They also paid 1inch the full bug bounty two weeks ago.

Bluestone fixed rate loans and deposits, live on Rinkeby testnet

Maker’s Dai Gaming Initiative

VirtuePoker’s final beta launches March 16th

HavenSocial, a web3 alternative to Facebook where you own your own data

Nice to see people are still trying to build social media alternatives.  The idea of building a better Facebook is definitely an enthralling one - yet not one that Ethereum has even come close to delivering.

Same with games - we’ve been talking about tokens/NFTs on ETH being a big thing in games for awhile.  Nothing has quite hit it (let’s be honest, CryptoKitties was just a different flavor of ICO mania) but I think Skyweaver might.  

My usual ex-post metric of seeing how much of this section is DeFi: 10 bullet points, depending on how you count you could say it’s 4 to ~8.  

Tokens/Business/Regulation

David Hoffman: Ethereum as emergent structure

USDC: programmable dollars with business accounts and APIs

Uniswap volume is now tracked on Coinmarketcap

wBTC passes Lightning Network in value locked up

Matthew Green: US congressional bill EARN IT is a direct attack on e2e encryption

Mass panic like with Corona is always a perfect moment to add bills on as riders to must-pass bills, so look for anti-encryption hawks to try to do this in the name of “safety.”  Maybe even to bailout bills.

Kinda interesting to see CMC finally add Uniswap volume.  They’ve been quite slow to add dexes generally; it seems like Bitcoiners often have a hard time adjusting to decentralization when they’ve been used to all the centralized BTC tradeoffs.

And Circle is now all-in on USDC.  From Santander prototype at Devcon2 to $600m now printed, and this doesn’t even count Tether belatedly realizing that BTC was a terrible choice to secure Tether.

General

Contribute computing cycles to fight COVID-19

Stay private in DeFi with email

Brave’s nightly release features random browser fingerprints per session

Load Value Injection attack on Intel SGX

Jacobians of hyperelliptic curves explainer from Alan Szepieniec

Ryan Sean Adams’ “how to” on using ProtonMail or equivalent is the 2nd most clicked, showing how he’s one of the most important people in Ethereum right now.  He takes concepts them and popularizes them.  

The random browser fingerprints is huge, and a big step up in privacy.  

Meanwhile if you have 2gb or 3gb GPUs, you can fold some proteins which may have an impact on COVID-19.  I’m always skeptical, but it seems likely to be worth the cost.  Especially if you’re like me and get super cheap electricity in Texas through GridPlus!  Crypto is not cancelled in Texas.

[seajudge70-blog]

Final Potter Party Update: Witches Get Snitches, A Niffler Repaint, & Our Goblet of Fire

So last night John and I filled the whole house with grease smoke from the banger we were test cooking, this morning John's foot went through the outside deck from a rotten board, and just now the garage door spring snapped (AAAAA), locking us out.

TWO DAYS TO GO!

It's times like these I most love being married to John; the man is unflappable. He's a rock. He's an unflappable married rock with a cute Superman curl. Calamity strikes, and John just tilts his head, says, "Huh," and then sets about fixing every thing.

So, we have a garage repairman coming tomorrow (even we don't miss around with garage springs; they can kill you), John's already replaced the rotten board (mercifully a fluke from a pile of wet dirt underneath; the rest of the deck is sound), and the house, well, it may smell a little like sausages on Saturday. But that's OK, because we're serving sausages.

Speaking of our sausages (heyooo), quick shout-out to Whole Foods, of all places, where this fabulous meat department guy named Mark custom-made gluten-free Bangers for us - on all the properly cleaned equipment and everything, AT NO EXTRA CHARGE. Wha whaaaaaaaaat? They taste amazing, too - probably even better when you eat them in a house NOT filled with grease smoke.

Now let me show you more party crafts! Our final Big Build is in the Puzzle Room, so that's staying under wraps for now, but I have a ton of small silly stuff to share:

The second I spotted these gold ornaments at Dollar Tree I knew exactly what they were:

Giant Snitches! They even have the swirly design! 

All I needed were some of those silver glittery leaves/feathers you see everywhere at Christmas... until you start LOOKING for them, at which point they evaporate into the ether. I finally gave up searching and cut some thrift store leaves instead, which John spray-painted silver. Drilled two small holes, a little hot glue, and bam:

Giant snitches!

I even had the perfect place to put my big balls. (Oh, like I wasn't going to use THAT joke):

 Right over the Kitty Quidditch Tower! Which you can see I decked out with a little garland wreath around the window. (And you get a bonus kitty action shot.)

Eva says hi.

I hope to have better photos for the official party post, btw; these are all phone pics taken at night.

I assumed the cats would try to destroy the snitch garland, but amazingly, not a single nibble. They're too busy eating every other piece of garland and greenery I have out.

I'll walk you through all the Puzzle Room builds in a separate post, since there are a lot and I don't want to spoil it for the guests, but here are two small things:

Remember my $3 thrift store cage? I suspended my Soot Sprite (by the amazing Monster Cafe, go follow them!) from a bit of fishing line inside, so it's floating. This made me unexpectedly and ridiculously happy. :D I think it'll be staying out year-round in the Game Room after this.

And a slightly more complex craft:

I made all these rune markers from rolled out clay, which I cut with a bottle top. I used a straw to poke holes for the leather cords, pressed the symbols in with a wooden stick, textured with a stiff paintbrush, then painted & dry-brushed with craft paint. I already had the clay, tools, and paint, so this was a freebie craft. Love those. Plus I think they turned out really looking like stone!

The runes are attached to various potion bottles around the room, and are part of my favorite puzzle. You'll see all of that later, promise.

Not my craft at all, but I think you'll like this:

"Beware the Nargles" mistletoe, hanging over the doorway to the deck! This was a gift from one of you readers a few years ago (I'm sorry I don't remember which one!), and I love having the perfect spot for it this year.

The weekend after Thanksgiving - when I was still so weak from being sick - my one and only outing was to stagger to Box Lunch with John to buy this Niffler game:

   It was $20, down from $30. Honestly it's barely worth that much, but it's a ridiculously easy game for parties (you stack coins 'til the plate tips) and super cute, so, SOLD.

All the plain plastic pieces were making my eye twitch, though:

So... plasticky.

You know the drill: I slapped a bunch of black paint on everything, then quickly wiped it off again. Annnd:

 Look what a difference! Aaaaaa, bliss.

The coins took a teensy bit longer (HA), because I aged both sides of all 64 coins, then Rub N' Buffed both sides of all 64 coins. My hands looked like they'd been tarred and gilded by the time I was done.

Now you can see the designs in the coins, though, which look surprisingly cool!

This is mostly a game of dexterity; it's VERY HARD to pick up the coins with the little wand shovels:

I also aged the base, but the Niffler didn't need anything; he's great as-is:

And I found the perfect plastic tray at Walmart for $2! This way I can move the whole game around while keeping the pieces together. (It'll be on the coffee table in the Common Room.) 

 I have so much more, you guys, but let me end with the one that's made us laugh the hardest:

A few weeks ago we found the most incredible urn/vase thing at a thrift store for $8:

The inner jewel thing is orange swirly resin. I didn't realize before this, but WOW does that look cool in photos! It's actually a little less impressive in real life, ha.

Anyway, at first I thought it would go in the Common Room, since it looks like a trophy, but I never found the right spot for it. Then, as John and I were brainstorming ways to give out some door prizes, a FLASH OF INSPIRATION.

(Brace yourselves.)

We are hilarious, you guys.

(When I texted this photo to John he reported back that half the aisle at Walmart now thought he was insane, he laughed so hard.)

I should mention John has a long-standing, much vocalized dislike for Michael Gambon's portrayal of Dumbledore (#NotMyDumbledore), so a lot of our friends have sent this meme his way, and love to bring up the famously "calm" Goblet of Fire scene. (If you're lost, a quick Google will give you all you need to know - plus some laughs.)

We've also determined that, during the drawing, John will wear a long fake beard and attempt to body-slam the winners into the wall. You know, for authenticity.

And on that note, I'm off to try to finish this baby:

We won't stop thinking of new things to make 'til the moment the party starts. It's a sickness. A beautiful, stressful sickness. :D

Stay tuned for so much more. Just... just so much.  

Love you guys. TTFN!

Source: https://www.epbot.com/2018/12/final-potter-party-update-witches-get.html

[thecoroutfitters]

Written by R. Ann Parris on The Prepper Journal.

//

I generally agree with the premise that skills are far more important than stuff, and that knowledge weighs nothing. There are skills that benefit us, every single day and definitely in a disaster – on any scale. However, sometimes collecting knowledge can be a pricey and time-consuming prospect. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn, but we need to prioritize as with anything else. We also have to honestly assess our preparedness level, plan, and current lifestyle. Pat’s Preparedness Arc is perfect for this.

Exceptions & Assessments

There are exceptions to some of what I’ll suggest. If you’re a wilderness adventure enthusiast or work in extremes, you already know it. If you truly have lots of free time but zero money after lots of cutbacks, and you have materials/resources lying around and don’t have to buy anything, okay.

If somebody is just into history, a reenactor, a hobbyist, I’m also not talking about that. Mental health clause – you need an outlet. However, interests are just interests and don’t belong in the “but it’s useful/preparedness” category of our time and financial budgets. It belongs under our entertainment budgets.

Please remember those caveats as you read the list. I’m talking about somebody learning from scratch specifically as a survival/preparedness skill in lieu of practicing, buying, or learning something else.

I also hear the argument put forth that somebody’s going to learn a skill or trade because then they can barter it. That is absolutely true in some cases (medical, mechanics, midwives). In others …

We have to ask ourselves: How many people who are preparing or not preparing are actually going to be around and need that particular skill? How do we plan to find those souls who are unprepared to do it themselves, but are expected to have surpluses worth our time and labor to trade for us?

Below are a few things I regularly see pushed as a must-have skill. I’ll break down the pro’s and con’s, and cover alternatives.

Image: How sustainable is our water plan – and our bodies – compared to our need to make soap or learn primitive fire making methods, or learning an already fairly common trade?

Alternatives After Assessment

Would it be better to develop the knowledge of how to find water by recognizing terrain and land cover patterns, a map of streams and springs in the area, and the physical strength to carry and drag water-level weight through woods, on crappy roadsides and ditches, and repeatedly lift buckets and containers out of a downed well or deep cut with cord, or over the side of a pickup?

Could we instead spend time locating buckets, storage totes, and barrels, the used and wrecked pieces of furniture and equipment on Craigslist and Freecycle to turn them into water catchment, and the afternoon or afternoons it takes to assemble them, to limit the amount of time we even have to go out hunting water?

We have to ask ourselves how important primitive skills are instead of something like wrapping a sprain.

Water is always going to be a focus for me, but there are other skills, too.

Gather wood for the stove/grill and practice cooking and canning on it. Learn hauling and tying knots, and practice felling, branch removal, and topping on consecutively larger trees. Learn to change your own oil and bike chain. Figure out how to unclog a drain using supplies and tools you already have on hand. Walk on the ditch verges and wooded hills to strengthen ankles.

We have to ask ourselves how important primitive skills are instead of something like wrapping a sprain, turning off water and gas mains, producing and finding food, mending a fence, sharpening a blade, rescuing a drowning/choking infant or child, and backing a trailer.

Fire From Scratch

If you happen to have a battery and steel wool, more power to you. It was never in my pack for fire tools.

Let’s start off with a super controversial one – yay!

First, I’m not talking about finding dry tinder in wet woods or making a feather stick. If somebody’s out in the woods regularly, the potential of injury in a downpour makes them worthwhile in the crisis stance. As a through packer (I think they call it ultralight now, but my bag was never light) and multi-day paddler, those are things that saved me time and energy for my hot meal.

I’m talking about Survivorman fire starting, primitive fire starting. If you happen to have a battery and steel wool, more power to you. It was never in my pack for fire tools.

Second, if you’re a remote-creek kayaker, canoe trekker, or a hiker, get a few pill bottles to stuff with wet-weather or DIY-coated matches and a few cotton balls or some dryer lint, and start wearing one around your neck and carrying one in a pants pocket. Get a ferro rod and block or a windproof cigar lighter, and replace the chain with 550 cord to wear on your belt or pants button or the snap of your life vest or knife. Keep another set duct taped to the bottom of your water bottle or glasses case.

No belt or knife? No glasses? Don’t worry about fire from scratch then. It takes a long time to master starting a fire with a bow and starting it with a lens requires a lens. If you don’t have a knife to make shavings and the bow and start the notch, there’s a stick and another stick, and you’d be far better served spending the time making a cocoon-style debris hut.

Matches/Lighters versus Primitive Skills

People do get lost in the woods, and eventually we absolutely will run out of matches and lighters on a homestead.

We’ll run out of them faster if we’re using smaller fires for short periods and thus starting them regularly. They can break, leak, get wet and grody, and strike-anywhere are harder and harder to find so you have to figure on the striker strips getting worn totally smooth, especially if we buy the big bulk boxes.

Learning to find tinder in wet woods is time-consuming enough (and worth it for some/many).

If you’re only bugging-out to a BOL, not in an INCH situation, or if you’re a boater, fisherman, hunter, hiker, or outdoors enthusiast, throw in a cigar lighter so wind is less of a factor – they fit in a Gerber case inside bags or small plastic bottles with matches and other fire-starting materials pretty well.

For a homestead/bug-in situation, we can say three meals and a snack a day, plus morning coffee. Starting five fires is pretty generous and buys time for us to learn how to bank a fire for coals and keep one going.

Say it takes us a couple broken/burn-out matches to get one started, so we need three matches per fire. Using 15 a day for a year gives us a total of 5.5K matches.

Bricks of 100 small kitchen match boxes run $8-15 bucks each for 3.2K matches – two would cover our needs for $20-$30. My dollar store also carries match books cheaper (not my first choice).

Or we could buy one of those multi-pack bricks for $10-15, and hit Amazon for a 100-pack of disposable lighters for $20 and a set of three big boxes of 300 matches for $7-$10. That gives us 4K+ matches and 100 lighters for $37-45.

We can store them in our currently empty canning jars, or spend $5-6 at the dollar store to get candles or nail polish or lacquer to waterproof them and some baggies to keep them in. Strikers and blast matches, cigar lighters that work even in whipping Montana winds, run in the $4-$12 ranges.

Yes, it costs money. Yes, if you already have the knife, tromping into the woods to do it like Bear doesn’t.

Tromp into the woods learning to not make noise, recognize animal sign, and recognize landscape features that promise water instead.

There are multiple situations (and future practical, everyday skills) that benefit from that knowledge.

Soap – Making vs. Buying

  Let’s start with the basics of soap. There’s a couple of modern recipes, and a link to the history. About halfway down, that one breaks soap making into three stages of lye, fats, and combination – which is where we’d be at a total pioneer homestead or “My Side Of The Mountain forever” INCH lifestyle.

http://www.diynatural.com/how-to-make-soap-2/ – cups conversion

https://thenerdyfarmwife.com/how-to-make-soap-with-milk/ – one of many for milk, still need oil

http://spadet.com/soap-making-history-and-techniques/ – from scratch

I’m going to discount any soap making as viably sustainable if it’s using a fat or oil that’s not locally produced. That’s including people who buy the glycerin soap blocks. (For soap making – no comment on other uses.)

That’s the whole argument about sustainable, colonial and primitive skills – they’re for when there is no store and we run out of things.

If you need palm oil, you’re storing something and you might as well store the finished product. (There are exceptions, like the many balms and other uses for various oils.)

Some basic soap-making starter kits are available for as little as $10-15. Better will run as high as you like. I couldn’t find one that already included a scale (soap making is one of those things that requires weights according to some experts, although others have converted recipes to volume).

$10-15 for a kit isn’t much, absolutely. However, soap requires those rendered animal fats or oils. Those aren’t in the kits, and some of the ones I’ve seen in recipes are pretty pricey.

Too, in a crisis, especially if we’re living off grass-fed livestock and wildlife and the diet food of garden produce, fats and oils are going to be precious to keep our bodies functioning.

There’s still tons of bar soaps available at the dollar store and <$1 at Walmart. Some are travel sized and singles in boxes. However, options are available in 2-packs and 3-packs of standard-sized bars. So for $10 I can get 18-27 bars of soap and still pay tax.

If I’m inclined, I can cut that down, get a bottle or two each of Dawn and pine cleaner for dishes and laundry, floors, and surfaces, and still get 14-18 bars of soap.

I once figured that between bathing and washing my hands and face, I run through a cake of soap a week, so I need more than $9-10 worth. I need more in the neighborhood of $20-$30, and about a shoebox of space. For laundry, surfaces and dishes for a year, and surface cleaning, depending on household, I need a couple of free liquor boxes and another $20-30 for liquid cleaners, even buying from the dollar store. (The dollar store is not the cheapest per ounce or most compact form, but they are incremental purchase and use sizes.)

Cost doesn’t apply for the folks who plan to have fatty pigs and cattle, and use their wood ash. For them, the comparison is strictly about time. For a lark, sure, jump one weekend. But weigh out what else could be learned, what other materials cost, and what family ties could be strengthened with a different activity.

Soap is compact. They are sensitive to dampness, so they need a Ziploc bag, lidded can, or plastic tub. There are environments where dry soaps melt, but most of North America could keep them in a shed. So will the ingredients for making soap, or finished homemade soaps.

Rendering suet for tallow

Some will still think it’s worthwhile. To each their own, but please refer back to the general premise and Pat’s arc to be sure it’s the best use of your resources and time as you stand now.

On the flip side, totally learn how to make suet and tallow if fatty animals and materials are present. They have a ton of uses, provide a storable sustainable fat source, and they fill very real needs in a self-sustainable lifestyle.

Treating Hides

Hides and making useful items from hides is 50-50 with me. On one hand, I know a woman who makes a bundle from it, and if you have rabbits or hunt deer, you have hides. On the other hand, should the world collapse to colonial and pioneer day levels if not the Dark Ages, lots of humanity will die fast enough for me to find underroos, sheets, work boots, and socks should I need to go out past my X date – they aren’t exactly the things being grabbed in today’s riots.

Photo from North American Bushcraft School

  If it’s going to be a side business, sure, jump – after you do some market research. If it’s a niche market half-hobby, jump.

If it’s something on the to-do list because it seems like a great skill … maybe consider jumping on a maps website, finding farm fields and nearby specialty farms, making some non-nut cookies or muffins to carry, and sharing that you’re interested in breaking away from city life, would the nice farmer be willing to work out some kind of tag-along for labor deal so you can get a good idea of what’s involved.

Another option useful in disasters of all kinds is mapping power-line cuts to avoid traffic jams, snow and flood evacuation routes, and directions and A, B, C routes to and from kids’ schools and the school evac rally points.

Skills versus Stuff

Nine times out of ten, I would argue that knowing is better than having. However, there are exceptions – usually because of the time and-or resources they require, and sometimes because of the space.

There are lots of things that we should know just to be well-round humans, let alone homesteaders or – if inclined – nomads. However, sometimes we waste our precious resources learning something that only benefits most people during a very specific type of disaster, or a total breakdown and reversal that lasts for 5-10+ years.

Sadly, a lot of people who push and learn those lack the skills and supplies to survive long enough for some primitive skills to become valuable again. Some of those skills come at the cost of things that can benefit us, right now.

There are all kinds of things to do without spending more money or spending time on something with highly specialized skills and low-likelihood needs.

I figure I’ll get hate mail for the concept and for the specific few I listed. I just want people to weigh their to-do and to-learn lists so that they can prioritize based on where they already stand and where they want to go.

If there’s true need and potential – and sometimes there is – or it’s just a hobby, there’s nothing wrong with any of the primitive skills. I think most of us, though, have something we would be better served learning, practicing or building than the three listed.

If you liked this article, please rate it.

How did you like this article?

The post Skills-Stuff: When Stuff Matters More appeared first on The Prepper Journal.

from The Prepper Journal Don't forget to visit the store and pick up some gear at The COR Outfitters. How prepared are you for emergencies? #SurvivalFirestarter #SurvivalBugOutBackpack #PrepperSurvivalPack #SHTFGear #SHTFBag

[the-hallucinating-hippie]

I fucking hate D.C.

okay buckle up you beautiful fuckers because i am about to tell you a story all about how my night got flipped turned upside down. cuz its a fuckin shit show. its long but i promise if you want to laugh or relish in my misfortune and travesty that was this evening then its worth the read. SO. like a week ago im hangin with my cousins, n they start tellin me about some weed event goin on in dc that they want us all to go to. i agree but long story short me and my man didn’t end up going with them. we decide that since im not fuckin driving in dc cuz id kill us, we would take the metro. so we get to the metro station just so we can get into dc, and this is where shit starts going wrong. apparently earlier in the day one of the red line metro trains had derailed so they were only running 1 rail for both directions. so we had to take the orange line to get to metro center so we could take the red line to the green line. mistake number 1. turns out we couldve just ridden the orange line all the way to potomac square n then its just a hop skip and a jump to where this event was supposed to be happening. notice how i keep saying event. and lets also keep in mind my dude is from mass so he knows nothing about dc, and i go to dc MAYBE once a year. so together we know almost nothing about dc really. but somehow we get to the final metro station and i order a lyft to get us to where we need to be. this thing was in fuckin ANACOSTIA. an for those of yall that dont know what anacostia is, it is literally the fuckin hood. we pull up to a damn house. this is no event, its a fuckin pop up house party. when i looked at the page it made it sound like an actual fuckin event and so did the cousins. BUT NO. we got out of the lyft, mistake number 2 aka THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF THEM ALL BECAUSE THE WHOLE NIGHT COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF WE HAD JUST TRUSTED OUR GUT AND STAYED IN THE GODDAMN LYFT. but we got out. and as soon we walk up people are everywhere and theres a guy at the door lettin homies in. we were also the only white people within like a 3 mile radius. so of course everyones like wtf are these fuckers doing. we get carded at the door hes 24 i’ll be 20 in 2 weeks, the dude looks at my id and is like shawty its 21 and up. so we’re like FUCK what do we do now. We walk outside im calling friends seeing if they know where we can get something. im talking on the phone with someone and walking down a pretty steep hill, n there was this patch that didnt have any grass and it just looked like dirt but as soon as I stepped onto it that shit turned into muddy black mf ice and i went down quicker than a fangirl about to blow channing tatum. the knee of my jeans ripped, got a gnarly cut, but it’s fine. he had had to piss since the metro so he was now on the hunt for a bathroom. we walked for about 4 blocks and all we saw was gas stations and bulletproof glass everywhere. finally we get to dollar tree and they have a bathroom, so i order another lyft just so we can get out of this place. cause at this point all we want is some fuckin green goodness. this is where the night got a lil better, we ended up with the COOLEST lyft driver. n u bet ur ass i gave Antonio a good ass tip and 5 fuckin stars. he ended up taking us to this like super high end ganja accessory shop. but we quickly found out that they dont actually sell pot. BUT the guy was like “yeah sorry, but if you want, i can give u a nice little parting gift, no donations, just over the counter”, so we ended up with 1.5 of the best stuff ive had in awhile. we decided that after that we should just get on the metro and head back home cuz all in all the night was pretty much a bust. and that’s how my monday night was