#because we're both self-sacrificing little shits

[linka-from-captain-planet]

Power ranking BG3 ladies based on how much I'd personally like to marry them

All main and supporting women: Shadowheart, Lae'zel, Karlach Minthara, Jaheira, Isobel, Aylin, Mizora, Orin

Plus my background babes: Florrick, Talli, Alfira, Lakrissa, Araj, Nocturne, Skoona, Adrielle, Z'rell, Roah, Nine-Fingers, and special guest star Philomeen

*Isobel and Aylin deserve to be regarded as individuals occasionally, so yes I'm wrecking that home (Alfira and Lakrissa too)

*essentially, top 10 is "women I would like to marry" and 11-21 and is "women I would not like to marry"

Quartermaster Talli. Granted she has an unfair advantage due to looking and vibing as a fusion of my IRL girlfriend and the butch lesbian who installed my new garage door 3 years ago whom I'm still mildly obsessed with. But anyway, we'd have a really great life together. We'd be able to communicate, we'd be compatible in the bedroom, we have similar values. Wife material, Grade A - the gold standard comparison for everyone else on the list.

Isobel. We'd have our tiffs (we can both be a little catty and sensitive), but overall we'd be a pretty stable match. We'd put in the work to make it last. I feel like being a cleric counts as a "job" so I appreciate that.

Nocturne. My #1 "I can fix her" pick because I think I actually can. I appreciate a hard worker, so Nocturne having distinguished herself in her uh workplace enough to become an officer is very respectable to me. We could go to therapy together. Not a perfect match, but I think we could make it work.

Lakrissa. Would be an easy second place if she didn't read so young. She's a little immature (a little over-dedicated, a little too self-sacrificing) and so she'd have to do some growing up, but I think we could make it work.

Florrick. Even though she's my #1 beloved and by FAR the sexiest person in the entire game and I would do anything to [redacted], we'd be like two brick walls getting married. We're too similar. But sheer affection and lust propel her to the top 5 anyway, even though we'd probably be married 10 sexless years before one of us finally snapped and filed for divorce.

Skoona. Assuming she drops the whole self-deprecating thing (can't stand that). She has a job, she's sensitive, she's romantic, she's humble, and she's hot. I don't think we'd knock each others' socks off, but we'd be a nice match.

Lae'zel. Extremely 22 years old and that's an issue for me. I'm also too sensitive to make it through her tough outer shell to get to the soft waifu meat inside. However, she does have amazing wife material to uncover, so I think if I could be her second wife, we'd be golden.

Adrielle. We'd have our problems as two neurotic faux-normies, but we're neurotic in different ways, so maybe we'd complete each other? She's very conscientious and thoughtful, though, which are the most important wife traits for me. With commitment and therapy, we'd make it work, but it wouldn't be the smoothest ride.

Jaheira. I don't really want to be a step parent to young kids, so that pulls her down the list a bit, but there's no way I couldn't have her in the top 10. We'd get along great; we have the same sense of humor; we're both not clingy. A good match, but not really the wife for me.

Minthara. I want her so bad but she'd eat me alive and not in the sexy way. I would let her walk all over me for 2-3 years though, assuming she didn't dump me first. Impossible to rank below the top 10, but objectively not the wife for me.

Shadowheart. Like Lae'zel, there's a lot to get through before you get to the wife material deep inside. I would also need to be her second wife. Also, I'm not doing that cottagecore shit and I cannot have that many animals in my house.

Araj. I know I called her bad in bed 2 different ways in two other posts but that's not a problem, she's so sexy and interesting to me that I know I would fall super hard for her. I too love science? We have something in common. I feel like she'd bring out a lot in me, not necessarily good things, but to be loved is to be changed? I would probably come to my senses before really risking it all though.

Alfira. I love her so much but I am no Lakrissa, I could not handle both supporting her while she pursues her artistic goals AND having to top every time. We'd be that miserable couple that lets it drag on forever because nothing is *wrong* even though nothing is *right* and wind up hating each other.

Nine-Fingers. She'd stress me out too much. Running the streets, making enemies... what if a shake-down goes wrong? Admittedly I'm tempted to live out my mafia wife fantasies with her, but realistically, I think I'd have too many nervous breakdowns to make it worth it.

Karlach. The divorce would be so epic that I almost wanted to rank her higher, but I just know deep down that we would trigger/frustrate the fuck out of each other and completely implode long before making it to the courthouse and/or altar.

Aylin. I routinely get over-stimulated by my cats brushing against my leg when I'm trying to multi-task working and listening to music, so there is no universe in which I could tolerate being married to Aylin. She's too exuberant and touchy. I would be scream-crying WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME every time she simply asked me how my day was in her usual volume. An absolute disaster, she'd smother me despite her best intentions.

Z'rell. She can have place #17 to match the 17 husbands which I would not be okay with. I'm not jealous, but I'm not THAT not jealous. She's also just really harsh and I'm a crier, so we probably would not be able to have a conversation, let alone a relationship.

Roah Moonglow. Like Nine-Fingers, but I feel like the Zhent is like, a second-rate criminal organization and so it'd be like being a second-rate mafia wife. All the stress, fewer fist-sized emerald necklaces.

Mizora. On top of everything else, she's also a corporate LAWYER... yuck

Philomeen. I would go on 1 date with Philomeen, let her start a blowup fight with me outside of [regional burrito chain], let her neg me into fucking anyway, go no contact, and let her booty call me 2 years later at 3AM like nothing happened, but I would not even slightly consider dating her, let alone marrying her.

Orin. Ignoring the whole serial killer thing that's neither here nor there, the problem is the combo of overbearing family (my #1 dealbreaker of all time) and lack of communication skills (my #2 dealbreaker of all time). Like I'd be constantly trying to get her to go no contact with Serevok and she'd never listen and she'd always be talking in fucking Dr Seuss riddles and disappearing and pissing me off.

[lurkingteapot]

Tokyo in April is … 4月の東京は… Ep 4

two days late because my piracy skills failed me, but

THIS FUCKING SHOW

it's so good and hurts me in so many targeted ways! I have a feeling that this episode, while not light, was the quiet before the storm. Can't wait.

rambling + a little bit of on screen text translation under the cut

I think I said this last week, but the way Ren asks for sex when he needs reassurance … ugh

GOD the eye covering scene, Kazuma is so gone on Ren and Ren is so ???? about it. (absolutely something that I bet translated from the corresponding manga panels absolutely beautifully)

the way Ren is mouthing words and not speaking-- urgh my FEELINGS

the socks look hand knitted, uuuurgh

oh no oh no

… that's right, you SAID don't get into each other's business, so whyyyy are you snooping? (I know, I know, plot reasons)

oh god he wanted to study medicine? or thought Ren did?

This says "University of Medicine" and then (in English) France and a couple of other country names. He really did try to figure out where Ren could've gone ;-;

man I love that we're finally getting Ren's side of the story.

oh NO they're both self-sacrificing idiots, oh no, oh NO.

this is why I keep yelling at folks to TALK to each other.

oh no, did Ren have to call the ambulance to that hotel? oh YIKES he would've been in so much trouble, poor baby

oh no

oh kiddo, oh KID. You didn't make him to do anything against his will, FUCK.

this is worse than I thought, he got kicked out?? oh god the poor kid

I'm one continuous mumbled "fuuuuuuuuuuuck" here

He really carried that all these years, huh.

Oh god Kazuma is so HAPPY when Ren doesn't push him away

I'd say I hope it all gets better from here on out, but I don't trust this yet

Ren being a Euro/US movie fan sort of tracks

the ice cream feeding was SO cute

Kazuma is so happy ;_; this super isn't gonna last, huh

oh god, THEY

that fucking Sanada AGAIN this is gonna go badly, I just know it

ooof the Furuya-thing is getting worse and worse -- sixteen cases, holy shit

they are so domestic and I love it but it HURTS

… YIKES the Sanada thing is building up to getting worse and worse, I'm willing to bet he assaulted or prepositioned coworker Usami and then got them into trouble/threatened them so they resigned. God, I hate this.

[notbooper]

Hehe here's some ramblings ab my weird Groundhog Day Price au thing :) this is kinda me laying out a timeline of everything and whatever else comes to mind

Heads up: I don't think I'll ever turn this into one long cohesive fic, it'll probably just be little ficlets and then long ramble-y bits like this

Read my first post regarding this au or else you'll be lost bc I explain a lot of things from my intro that I don't exactly plan to put into in depth writing.

Intro

Cw: I love Price so much so I put him through hell <3, temporary character death, depictioms of death n violence and bodily harm, non canon timeline bc oops and fuck canon (just a bit), this is not written like a fic like the first part, so it's just me rambling, also formatting is terrible ik I'm so sorry I just needed to get this out of my system, Ghoap content

Not edited bc lazy

So uh timeline is funky bc I forgor ab canon and consistency and also despite the fact I've played both 2019 and mw2 multiple times I'm still dumb. N e way:

I assume that the boys aren't familiar with each other at the beginning of mw2 but price knows all of them bc he hand picked them. I assume that they haven't worked w each other b4 those events but we're throwing that out the window here bc I forgot :)

So they had one very brief mission together before the events of mw2, the one described in my little intro blurb, nothing too serious or long, not enough time for team bonding, simply something I made up for expository ab the whole Groundhog Day thing.

Also ok explaining background Ghoap w my fucky timeline bc I totally forgor I wrote some implied Ghoap:

I dug my own grave by saying I wanted to set my blurb b4 mw2 and make that mission quick and they don't even get any time to like bond properly, but we can make this work ok? Ok. I don’t see Ghost as a self sacrificing person despite the fact that he's military and it kinda comes w the job and his status as definitely dead and shit and just his kinda general disposition. I can see it if he's v close w someone but otherwise it usually isn't "practical" bc of how useful he knows he is. In this scenario though ima say that Ghost had been heavily injured in the heli wreck and knew that he wasn’t gonna get too far. Once the heli crashed, he had been the closest to Gaz and had tried to pull him out, for the sole purpose of during the time before he could tell how fond Prive was of him, and because Ghost cares deeply for Price he made an effort to rescue Gaz, that doesn't work obviously and he ends up terribly injured. Later on, once they start taking heavy fire and closer to his death Ghost realizes that he's not going to make it too far and decides that when there needs to be a sacrifice, bc he knows there will, he'll go down.

Cut to Ghost sees that Soap's ab to get fucked up and takes the shot 4 him. Soap's reaction, unlike Ghost's reasoning, is based in vague Ghoap. Soap comes to the conclusion, b4 they even get out of the heli, that the Lieutenant does not like him. Fine, he's clashed w/ COs b4, nothing new. He was hoping that since they were gonna be on this same tiny team that maybe the could be friendly but he supposed not. So imagine his shock when the man who seemed to despise him sacrifices himself for Soap. He's touched, truly, especially bc that Soap will never know that Ghost's real reasoning. That Soap believes in that moment that maybe that Ghost didn't hate him and maybe kinda really liked him but didn't show it. He beliebes that if THE Ghost sacraficed himself for Soap, that he must feel that Soap was a valuable member of the team, maybe moreso than him. That Soap is also in the middle of watching his entire team get wiped out and realizing that it's now him and Price against what feels like an entire army so his extreme emotional reaction to Ghost's death is also in part from that.

There, intro Ghoap explained :)

Explanation of how this Groundhog Day shit works btw:

The first time it happens is in my little intro blurb thing. Price will go through an event where any one or more of the 141 dies, and then he will be sort of sent back in time to varying amounts of time before the events happen so that he can prevent their deaths. Price can't control it obviously. How Price discerns that these aren't weird premonitions and actually events that he lived through is that he always gets sent back with some scars from whatever shit show happened. Like for example in my blurb he would come back with his palms all scarred up from the broken glass he grabbed from the window soap got tackled out of at the end. It's a weird mechanic ik but shhhhh it's for angst purposes. It's there as a sort of reminder for Price for all the times he's "failed" his boys bc I FUCKING LOVE ANGST n e way,

Then the events of mw2 happen ofc. There are different points throughout in which I will kill the boys so here's that death list:

Gaz- something to do with the helicopter bit, obviously, like he gets no breaks, idc if you get tired of how many heli deaths I give this man, I like it. I think everyone gets one death during mw2 events

Side note: one thing I feel like I'm having a hard time balancing is making this compelling by "killing" off the boys and traumatizing Price, and also not making the boys look more incompetent if that makes sense? Like I had three deaths drafted up for Gaz but felt it was too much?

Kate: 110% dies at one point during the whole hostage thing. Gives an extra oof to John's whole apology bit to her afterwards (ome of my fav interactions in the game tbh)

Ghost: this fucker is proving the hardest to brainstorm for tbh. Like if anyone, for any of these parts at all, wants to put in any ideas feel free to, but I just feel like the others have NDEs that I can use as deaths, but honestly I feel like Ghost is I don't want to say better than the others but there's not really a point in mw2 in which I feel like I could take inspo for a death? So ig tldr: TBD but maybe none at all and when the timeline expands to after current canon I give him smtg big to give my boy some attention?

Soap: alone, obviously. This one is more complex then the others. They're all gonna be situations in which John can do something, whether directly or indirectly to change the outcome. I think for alone John cycles through that loop for a bit, not being able to make contact with anyone in Las almas and he gets lucky that after a few cycles we get canon alone events. This will def be it's own little chapter fic drabble thing bc I have so much to say ab this and how it affects Price

Bonus soap thought: I also wanted to do Graves tank fight purely bc that's the part I had the most trouble with in my first playthrough of the game. I had to repeat that section an ungodly amt of time and shaped me into the avid Graves hater I am today. I'm digressing but n e way I decided against the tank bit bc alone was just so much more yummier in my head.

---------------------------------------------------

N e way that's my sort of ramblings for now, small bits and pieces will be on the way, probably

[toastess-with-the-mostess]

Let's Rewind! Toast watches Voltron: Defender of The Universe (1984)

Season 1, Episode 6: The Right Arm of Voltron

The episode title worries me a bit, what the hell did Lance start now

Castle looks super shiny, how many times did it flash the light in someone's eye lol now some of the Arusians have come by to live in the castle

Hunk reduced to a fat joke, as per usual unfortunately Pidge why did you have to flip to reach the button for the door, you could've just walked

Pidge once again being a cutie, his little arm flaps when he's walking through the pantry is adorable

Nothing good ever lasts, another attack on the castle, but now it's worse because people are living in it

Coran said he was activating the robot defenses so I'm sure that the people I saw manning the turrets outside the castle are supposed to be said robots but I think it's cool that the Arusians just arrived at the castle and some are already fighting for Arus again

Ah, that's why Coran said robots, because people literally die There's the princess taking over for the barely dead guy on the floor Now sporting her typical bun!

OH SHIT THEY'RE FORMING VOLTRON BEFORE FIGHTING A ROBEAST?? I mean there is no robeast yet but my point still stands

"Somehow they built a new castle, it's awesome!" I know awesome is an old word, but man is it weird to hear still

Ok so Allura does have some weird clairvoyant powers then, because Haggar mentions that she's the only other one that knows the secret to make Voltron, and it's because she talks to her dead dad

More discrepancies, Zarkon has been saying he wants Allura brought to him, but only now do we get a reason for it, and apparently he thought she was dead after they first attacked Arus

Oh god is this the episode where Haggar actually does something to stop the team? Not good

Planet Doom is apparently 10 mil light years away from Arus, interesting I do have the canon map of the universe, so I'll have to look at it again to actually see the distance

Damn it we're back at the Galaxy Garrison again, at lease the building looks cool IS THAT THE GUY WHO FUCKS OVER THE TEAM?? MOTHERFUCKER

Why does the Garrison believe that Zarkon was defeated, he has a whole kingdom at his disposal and has literally attacked multiple times before even after Voltron formed Oh ok so this was trying to show that the GG does shit even though they're absolutely useless at best and STILL can't do things for the team like giving them an early attack warning Like their frequencies are blocked because of meteor showers which is why they can't, but man was that scene unnecessary

Allura mans a food cart, more at 10

Hunk reduced to a fat joke again Also, a scene is reused where pidge and hunk try to get more Arusians to come by again

Pidge says he's seen Haggar's cat before, but I don't believe it Yeah, this is the episode I thought was playing last time

Aw cute Lance is protecting Pidge, Very much the second parent to Keith's first

Oh shit both Sven AND Lance run after the cat And now Lance is captured ONLY TO BE SAVED WITH SVEN BY A SWORD LETS GOO

Haggar pulls a hydra on Sven, no matter how many times he slices her she just doubles See you later my dude, don't worry it'll get better because you'll become a trophy husband

Man these fight scenes are weird Pidge Hunk and Allura fuck off to the castle

NO SVEN HE GOT FUCKING TAG TEAMED oh shit blood! That's not something you can easily censor

I like the symbolism from golion seeping into voltron, Sven's sword is still standing after being stuck in the ground, but after Sven begs for the hospital it drops Tears and sorrow, Keith and Lance are crying as they hold their close to death friend This makes for REALLY GOOD LANCE ANGST

Now the robeast attack is ACTUALLY happening, that must be horrifying, losing a friend and the ability to protect the planet I'M SORRY SVEN IS VOLTRONS RIGHT ARM?? BITCH I THINK YOU RIGHT LEG

I can't tell if Lance is being self-sacrificing because of his guilt for leaving Sven alone which got him mortally wounded or not He purposefully led the robeast to a lava pit, so the team would push both of them into it, but then red is immune to really high temps

Well they defeated the robeast by melting it in lava, lucky break They're still celebrating though which I think is weird after your friend has to be sent to a far off planet to get decent medical aid

Episode end! I'm excited to watch golion at the end of this entire thing, the themes just come through because of the animation, it'll probably give me more of what I want tbh

[neuxue]

holy shit tell me about your gu yuexi thoughts

damn it I meant to answer this right away And Then I Didn't, but okay, Gu Yuexi my beloved.

(under a cut for vague-but-still-present spoilers through the end of LHJC)

The thing about Gu Yuexi is that she's so astonishingly capable at what she does, and so acutely perceptive in ways that both include and extend beyond her superpower, and so beloved by the weird little family she has found, and so willing to sacrifice herself for those she cares about without even considering it a sacrifice... and also so devastatingly bad at, like, how to be a person—in a way that plays so painfully and perfectly into this story's whole theme of personhood and weaponisation and the space in between, of 鸟尽弓藏 and what happenes when a weapon outlives its usefulness, of being forged to be wielded and then finding something beautiful in your hands and not knowing how to keep it, of existing only because others needed to draw meaning out of darkness and so looked to you for light that was only ever yours to give and never yours to hold...of finding name and self and beauty where there was once only utility.

The thing about Gu Yuexi is that when she first shows up it's as this hypercompetent and aloof-seeming character who speaks bluntly and has no time for bullshit, and you're like ah, yes, I know this archetype (and if you're me that alone might honestly be enough, but that's just the beginning). And it's not that she subverts that, exactly, but as the story peels back the surface of it (in a way that feels almost ironic, exposing her to the reader's vision in an echo of the way her own vision exposes everyone to her but her to none of them) there's this moment of 'oh she is a mess' and then of just 'oh'.

You get to her backstory chapter and think ah yes tragic past okay should be fun and you get through the first few paragraphs and are told that until she was seventeen she had no name and you're like damn we're really going for it and then you finish her backstory chapter and find yourself on the floor staring up at the ceiling with no clear recollection of how you got there, going 'priest, ma'am, what the fuck'.

It's the way she wasn't just variously used and abandoned, but stripped of every facet of humanity and identity and made into a tool or a weapon as thoroughly as a person can possibly be. Stripped of name and self and senses, stripped of the ability to interact with the world unwielded by another, stored in darkness and nightmare until the ability for which she was a mere vessel was needed. The way her gift is sight but she was kept in dark emptiness without even a self or a name or truth to cling to. Her body and mind merely the handle of the knife that was her ability.

Which puts her in good company, in this story.

Echoes of xiao-Ji, trapped in darkness and deprived in any meaningful way of a body, able to see only at the will of another, enduring endless torment in the darkness until it is time to be used. But where xiao-Ji had his Lingyuan-gege, the nameless girl had no one until a stranger brought her a compass (and there is an echo there, too, perhaps, of you once told me I was like the Xuanji star...) and even then she had to find her way.

Echoes of Sheng Lingyuan in how she only ever sees herself as a tool, sees her purpose as helping and protecting others. Puts herself in danger or takes on a task that will at the very least mean pain and doesn't even view it as self-sacrificing because that would require acknowledging a self, and considering its damage a sacrifice. There's no self-pity, no sense of being wronged, just a sense of purpose, the way a lens's purpose is to see or a sword's purpose is to wound.

And of course that conversation with Sheng Lingyuan towards the end of book 4, when she sees the truth of his heart and they discuss emotion and humanity. These two who have never granted themselves the status of human, of person, but who are so acutely aware of what that is and what it means, of its value; aware in the way only an outside observer with a great deal of perception and compassion but no acknowledged personal stake can be. And for Gu Yuexi specifically it's that perception, that ability to see that goes beyond just her Ability... and yet despite that perception and compassion and concern for those around her, the blind spot in her perception is herself, her self.

But unlike those two she is not even awarded the grace given to a protagonist; even in the story, she is in every way a device.

And yet.

And yet the narrative doesn't discard her, nor do the characters around her allow her to be less than human, less than valued, less than beloved. This story in which she is merely a tool and a device does not in the end forget her; it may not be her story but it is the story of all those like her. And the narrative and the characters within it refuse to cast aside the bow once the birds are slain; instead, they build her a home.

All without giving her (demanding of her) a love story, or requiring her to be in any way 'fixed'. She is loved by those around her but she is never told 'you are human because you can love' or 'you are human because you are loved', just 'you are human, and that matters'; she is not required to find another in order to be given a chance to be a self. She isn't even required to truly find or become or change that self in the end; she is as she is, and that is enough, and there is warmth and laughter awaiting her. She is not given the role of a protagonist, or a cleanly finished arc, or a miraculous love. Instead she is handed a compass, and a gentle place to land, and the time to find her way there.

[dp1nk]

losing the weight on my shoulders

i must say, a lot of things have improved since i've moved. even without healthcare set up just yet, we can maintain a routine with cleaning every week, our diet is much better and the nutritional changes have really improved our stamina and mood, which is letting the extra weight start to drop again...

at 135, the hardest pounds to lose are the last 20, i swear. my normal weight tends to be 110 pounds of muscle with very little fat, but since i put a bit of extra fat on, and it's in my tits, it take way more discipline and food sacrificing to get that off. (not as in starving myself, just giving up things i love like milk... lol)

if i can keep it up and let my body use the last of my fat up, that'll just be 10 pounds off my tits alone. it's like carrying my cat on my tits all the time and my back is killing me. (who's isn't though - but even with that said, when i was 190 i think each of my tits were 10 pounds rather than both of them equaling that. i don't know how i moved)

muscle mass is harder to maintain than fat for the body, so once the fat gets used up, that's the sweet spot where i can eat almost anything and the energy it takes my body to maintain muscle will just burn calories to the point that i can eat junk and get away with it more often. i'm really excited to get back there. but before i can get my muscle built back up, i gotta melt off all the fat.

and so i've changed things i never dreamed i'd change, like using creamer for my coffee to control my sugar, water fasting most of the day... but the thing that i think really helped more than anything else was getting supplements and meal replacement shake powders. (they're really good with almond milk, but they put all the stuff we can't get from our current diet into our body and it helps things work correctly.)

i try to have energy drinks with taurine specifically, and potassium and cal-mag-zinc supplements have been the biggest help for our energy because our blood pressure's nice and stable, our anxiety is completely under control, and our mood is stable on non-pmdd days (but sometimes it helps for the early days which we call a hurricane. there's no helping the peak days, i'm still looking for something but the only help has been deliberately upping protein)

another thing i noticed is how much less volatile my crew has been - the host has been very stable, if not kind of apathetic. but that's normal for hosts. we had a host in 2022 who has chosen to merge with a non-host alter after we nearly died of the flu, and we miss her because when she decided that, we were just getting to know her and get along, after she spent months fighting us. the one that took her place has a completely different vibe though, almost like a less-borderline version of the former one. she seems to trust us and prefers letting lena and i pursue our interests, and is happy so long as she gets some coffee beans to grind and gets to help plan the week's meals. that's really encouraging and probably helps us keep up with these self-care routines, because it's all for her more than anything else... well, it's for all of us collectively, but we're here in the first place to help the host function because she's a blank slate without our influence. like an apathetic mech we pilot together.

that said, we've been a lot more able to do that fluidly, like we used to - just with more awareness of our memory gaps than before. switches aren't so jarring or sudden until the hurricane comes and we can't seem to help it, but it's understandable. that shit fucking sucks and it's only gonna get worse til menopause. can you imagine being excited for menopause to come? lol just another decade or so...

overall, i genuinely feel good and finally like i'm back in control of things after two years of just derealizing in an empty texas apartment. it's amazing and i'm incredibly optimistic about things. and i just felt like sharing that, that's all.

[bluefire-axolotl]

Your icon = your district partner in the Hunger Games

How do you feel about your odds of survival?

[deviliciousdev]

MBTI✨ Meet Cute? Meet. Cute.🖤

entp (the debater)

x

infj (the advocate)

budding romance

ft. intp (the logician) friend

--------------------------------

[entp & intp at an arcade bar 👾🍺🥃🍸🍹🥂]

entp: [playing intp in air hockey] HA! take that bitch!

intp: you HAD YOUR HAND ON THE TABLE IT DOESNT COUNT!

entp: oh really because the little digital score board begs to differ...

intp: son of bitch.

[waitress brings entp the drink they ordered, and winks at them as entp says thanks]

intp: op. now i'm not an expert on human sexual behavior... but-

entp: yeah no shit. actually the opposite of an expert. whats the word i'm looking for for, idiot.

intp: 😐... BUT, the waitress chick, huh? huh? wink, wink, nudge, nudge? [goofy smile]😜

entp: did you just say "wink, wink" instead of winking...

intp: the alcohol is affecting my facial muscles and i was afraid you wouldn't get my intent on cadence alone...

entp: [camera looks]

intp: but anyway stop changing the subject, so? waitress chick, she's cute, you should go for it, ya know do a little dance, make a little love... basically just get down tonight... [snorts in humor at their own joke]

entp: yeah... i don't think so. i haven't really been into the dating scene lately... it's mostly disappointing, and sometimes cringe worthy.

intp: ok first of all until i met entj that's ALL the "dating scene" was in my experience, so sorry if i don't feel that bad for you. besides you're probably just being dramatic, it can't be that bad.

entp: [looks at intp with intense deadpan] the last date i went on, she looked almost 10 years older than her profile picture, and when she said in her bio she was a nature lover i assumed she liked to hike or some shit, but no... she was a taxidermist... she brought her latest "project" to our date...

intp: yikes.

entp: yeah. it was weasel. and it's eyes followed you wherever you moved...

intp: 😬

entp: so i'm thinking i might take a breather from "dating" for the moment.

intp: [shrugs]🤷‍♀️/🤷

entp: [sips old fashion 🥃] [winces] oof god what'd they do dump the entire bitters bottle in here, ugh!🤮 i'm gonna get this re-made.

intp: alright i'm gonna hit the bathroom all that vodka is gettin to me...

[entp approaches bar]

entp: hey uh think i could get a new one, this one is... bad... sorry i couldn't think of a nicer way to say that soooo, yeah.

bartender: bad huh? may be i should get you something more suited for you. like a daiquiri...

entp: ok, first of all daiquiris are delicious and if i wanted one i would feel no shame about ordering one. but i ordered an old fashioned my go to drink since i was 12, not a glass of bitters and a splash of Bourbon, so if we could change the tone and i could get new drink that'd be great, thanks.

bartender: [nods passive aggressively and takes entp's drink]

entp: [to self] god everything's disappointing. [hears cheering behind them, turns, still leaning on bar counter]

[someone collides into entp and spills drinks all over them💥]

entp: [angry😡] oh dude what the hell- are you bli- [sees the person, and is attracted to them] 😳

infj: oh my god! i am so sorry!! [hands on head] 🤭 i've been having a really dumb day, i got a parking ticket, and then the dry cleaners lost my new coat, and- and why am i telling a stranger all of this... look i'm really sorry, can i give you some money for dry cleaning?? i feel so bad about this.

entp: [tone has completely changed] oh no don't worry about it, it's just... liquid... sticky liquid... but no no seriously it's really not a big deal.

infj: please, let me at least buy you drink??

entp: hmm, ok sure, thanks 😏

[both stand next to bar]

infj: infj [shakes entp's hand]

entp: entp 🤝😸

infj: so what are you drinking?

entp: any dark smokey liquor.

bartender: [slides entp a huge frozen daiquiri with fruit on a stick and tiny umbrella] [sarcastically] your new and improved... less bitter... drink... sir...

entp: [angrily looks from side to side, with an expression that says, damn it.]

infj: [trying not to laugh] wow yeah that's a smokey drink...

entp: [nods with a smile]

[both laugh a little]😄😅

entp: [notices dirty looks group at a table are giving them] whyyyy are those people staring at us like we're about to be sacrificed...

infj: oh, yeah, those are my co-workers we took the lady in the blue blazer out to cheer her up, she just got dumped, so were supposed to be celebrating independence and hating people [raises eyebrows]

entp: huh, what do you do?

infj: i work at the embassy, in the Ambassador's cabinet as a cultural liaison.

entp: holy shit. that's fucking epic. so do you speak more than one language??

infj: aha, well thank you. and yes i do, fluently i speak German, Spanish, Italian, French, Arabic, and Japanese. i do speak some Russian but it is... rough haha 😄

entp: that's amazing. i took american sign language in high school and a course on high elvish in college when i was bed ridden with... mono... [joking smug face] 😏

infj: [with a wide smile] wow. i'm impressed.

entp: [jokingly] yeah i'm pretty impressive. [sips daiquiri🍹]

infj: 😄

[a voice calls out to infj angrily]

infj: oh, i should probably get back to them. [motions to co-workers]

entp: oh yeah, totally. um, before you go, would you may be wanna grab dinner sometime??

infj: oh, you're really sweet and funny, it's just that, i just moved to the city, and i'm really busy at the Embassy right now, so i'm not actually dating right now, but may be we can be friends?

entp: ah, got it. well yeah ya know i'm a good friend to have aha. and to prove i'm such a good friend, if you want to make your co-worker who got dumped happy, you can throw a drink in my face, make it look like you're fiercely independent.

infj: ahaha, really?

entp: yeah what's a little more drink all over me huh?

infj: haha, again i'm sorry about before. and you know she would probably love that...

entp: go for it.

infj: [hesitates for a moment, before tossing a drink in entps face] 🍸💥 [sneakily gets out business card and sticks it in entp's shirt pocket] [whispers] thanks. 😊 [goes back to friends]

[intp approaches]

intp: ooooofffff, shot downnn, that blows, sorry dude.

entp: [gets infj's card out of pocket and wiggles it in front of intp]

intp: unless that's a pocket sized restraining order, i am... thoroughly confused.

entp: [looking across bar at infj] i'm gonna marry them.

intp: [shaking head as they sip their drink] so confused...

[to be continued...]

[artsyxloner]

Not just a Monster

Warning: blood, violence, death, making out

20: Fallen Hero

When searching for Cha Hyun-Su, I found him at the staircase. He was rubbing his hand with a blank stare. Seeing him again I began to get nervous, losing my Confident demeanor.

Remembering what I did. " you know it's not good to be alone all the time? you should stick with your buddy." I joked, gaining Hyun-Su attention. Sitting down, but he didn't say anything.

I frowned, wondering what was wrong? I then thought of an idea, grabbing his face I turned it over towards me. Scooting close, again I could tell he was holding his breath. I was making the first move again.

" who was it this time?" I ended up, caressing his jaw with my thumb moving it around in circles where I kissed him. " You get this look on your face when someone gives you a hard time."

I let go, laying my hands on my lap.

" I've noticed." He had looked down, to hide his face. But I followed, he was cute when he was being all bashful. It was my fault entirely. " hey, when some try's to fuck with you do this."

I mimicked what Eun-Yoo does making the bam sounds with my fingers. It meant cussing someone out in Sign language. I showed him, " that's all you have to do." I smiled, nudging his shoulder.

" you try." I offered, bringing his hand up he tried to do it but failed miserably. I laughed. " that was terrible, but you'll get it." I saw a little blush appear on his cheeks. " here," I took his hand in mine. " this is how you do it."

I brought his pointer finger up then folding it down, then I did the same thing with his pinky, middle, and thumb. I kept doing it until his pinky was the only thing left up.

I hooked it with mine, making a promise but I wasn't going to tell him, what it was." There you just made me a promise." I could tell he was confused, " What promise?" I rocked our hands back and forth a bit.

" this." I went for it seeing no one was around not that I cared. Regardless I needed to kiss him. I quickly leaned in planting a soft kiss, on his big lips. Cupping his face with my hands. I pressed my lips down Further.

He was stiff into the kiss, his lips felt dry and as rough as I thought. As mine moved against him, please kiss back I thought as as if he could read my mind. " screw it!" I heard him mumble, into my lips he kissed back.

I smiled, " God, if this turns out bad it's on you!"  He murmured, his arm hooked around my waist holding me tight to where I couldn't get out." then I'll just have to live with it!"

His continued to kiss me but we had to pulling away to catch are breaths. I was breathing hard so was he I placed my forehead on his, he was staring back at me with his dark ones. " —How was it?" he questioned, I laughed shaking my head. " you could use some Chapstick."

I teased trying to get him flustered more because they my lips tingle so bad. He seemed embarrassed now trying to cover them but I stopped him. " but hey, I like them that way."

I moved some of his bangs out of this face pushing them back out of his face. " I didn't take you as the touchy lovely Dovey type." Eun-hyuk's voice startled me. I jerked back, did he seriously have to be here? I wondered if he saw the whole make-out session.

" how long have you been standing there?" I stood up, he glanced down and smirked fixing his round glasses. " long enough." I rolled my eyes, only a perv would watch someone kiss somebody.

I tried to change the subject, " what are you doing here anyway?" I crossed my arms. Hoping he would move on and answer my question. " We'll be turning the water off soon, thought you guys might want to wash up before we do."

He informed us I remembered earlier when everyone was all cleaned up at dinner. " Eun-Yoo already has some clothes for you to borrow." he motioned his head, out the door. " she waiting by the restroom."

I nodded, not before whispering something in Hyun-Su's ear then leaving. Heading down to the restroom there waited Eun-Yoo. She had some black joggers and a white shirt.

" so where have you been?" She gave the clothes to me. I could only smile, thanking her. " I kissed him." After saying this her eyes went wide Beaming with curiosity. " is he a good kisser?" she followed me into the girls' restroom.

Taking a cigarette box out of her back pants pocket she took one lighting it. As I went to drawl the thick dark curtains around me. I didn't like changing in front of people. " well considering it was my first kiss I would say yeah."

I told honestly, taking off my clothes throwing them over where they hung metal poles. " he was your first kiss?" I drawled the curtain back popping out my head nodding. My lips were in a thin line as doing so.

" Wow, even so, when the world goes to shit that's when you get your first kiss." she blows out smoke, " well I'm going to let you shower I'm going going to bug some people." She waved bye leaving the restroom.

Of course, I thought smiling Turing on the water, it comes out fast a cold. It sent shivers down my spine but I got used to it since it's been so hot out. taking the set of soap I scrubbed my body off twice making sure to get all the blood, dirt, and sweat off from top to bottom.

I probably stunk but considering everyone was like that I'm pretty sure they couldn't tell. Finishing up with my hair I wiped off my body with a towel I pulled on my newish clothes.

I stared at myself in front of the mirror looking back at my reflection. I was surprised to see a different person. One where there was no dirt, blood covering my face like a mask. Now I was clean I felt good and refreshing.

I soon picked up my old clothing dumping them in a bin where everyone else's clothes were cleaning up after my self I walked out. Heading to the lobby to see Sang-Wook and Hyun-Su inter the elevator.

He was wearing a yarn striped green and pale orange sweater. I swore his hair looked shorted for some reason. I was about to call him wondering why they were going up there?

But the elevator door closed before I could say anything. So I waited for them sitting on the brown leather couch. Picking at my nails seeing how short they were. Ms. Cha had stepped in. She was usually with the little kids.

She was staring at something in front of her turning my head my eyes caught a red light and the numbers were counting down from one. It must be the guys' back but so soon? It sometimes takes an hour or so.

" Was it just the two guys" that went up?" she questioned but it was more like she was asking herself. But I nearly jumped when a loud ringing was disturbed from the air.

I covered my ears, But then Remembering it's the bell that Signal when a monster is near. The elevator door dinged open revealing one guy standing in the door his back was facing us and he smelled awful as it hurt my nose flies were flying everywhere.

Oh, God!

I was about to stop her but it was too late. " sir?" It soon twisted its head around as its mouth opened up and dozens of flies came out. I almost puked. But its body turned around facing frontwards no.

Ms. Cha screamed, as it came at her but I hurriedly got up pulling her out of the way grabbing her arm. But it kept coming for us as it swung its electric string trimmer. I ducked as Ms. Cha whimpered, I tried to calm her down but I wouldn't work.

As it swung again at us it almost caught her but I pushed her out of the way before it did. It was just me and the smelly monster guy now. He made weird sounds with his mouth like he was choking or more like gagging.

I backed up, trying to lead it away as far as I can. But not to fear because the others could be put in danger. It raises its trimmer again and I was for sure it was going to hit me.

I closed my eyes seeing I couldn't get away waiting for the hit but nothing came as I heard a clash with metal on metal.

Opening my eyes I saw Jae-Heon, he had held the monster off with his trusty katana sword. Holding it off, " Go! go help Ms. Cha!" He yelled, but what about him?

I didn't have a choice though because he pushed the monster back and I got up running to her to help her out of the way as Jae-Heon fought it. He raised the monster's trimmers with both of his hands gripping his sword.

As it collided with some wired metal roofing creating sparks. He held it there struggling as one of this arms was weak from his previous injury. There were loud clicking noises and grunting as he tried to hold it back.

But he couldn't hold on anymore as it came down, and when it did it brought Jae-Heon's arm with it. I let out an ear-pricing scream that seemed to echo when the blood splattered everywhere hitting me.

I was so stunned seeing his arm fly off, red crimson soaked his entire left side as he fell to the floor. I tried to run and help him but Ms. Cha held me back. Tears began to form. I screamed out again trying to pull away.

He can't die, what about him and Ji-Soo? " No! I have to help him!!" But her grip was tight on me. I couldn't get loose." if you go you'll get hurt too." I shook my head it wasn't right just to stand here and watch.

" he can't- he can't die someone needs to help!!" Soon I heard heavy footsteps coming our way. It was the group, coming to the rescue but they all came to a sudden halt. Gasp we're expressed all around the room.

It was quiet except for my crying struggling to get free. Jae-Heon had gotten up staggering a little. The monster attempted to walk up the small step but couldn't.

Jea-Heon had grabbed his half-broken sword walking closer to the monster getting behind him, he stabbed it in the chest pulling the thing in his embrace pulling him back.

He was leading it to the elevator. My eyes poured with tears realizing I cannot save him. He was sacrificing himself for the safety of the group. Then there was a banging sound with a door being pushed open.

It was a person they were crawling on their hands and knees. It was Hyun-Su was he hurt? He lifted his upper body leaning on a metal storage locker.

He gripped the spear In his hands watching the scene unfold. I could see tears in his eyes. As he fought to get up, mumbling underneath his breath.

When Jae-Heon turned the monster around pressing the elevator door open shoving him inside, there were multiple grunts, as he went in fighting it. He pulled out the sword-swinging it around. As the light kept flickering on and off.

He dodged the trimmers, going over to the front doors pressing the button to close it, as it did the electric door closed and reopened each time there was more blood splatter on the walls.

When it opened again not able to close because the trimmers were in between it stopping the doors from closing Jae-Heon grabbed the monster taking him down to the ground. Puncturing the jug that was attached to the motor that runs the trimmer it leaked gas everywhere.

I knew what he was doing he was going to catch himself on fire. " throw it!!" Jae-Heon yelled to saw Seung-Wan he was holding a bottle with cloth in it that was on fire.

But he didn't throw it too scared to. His body shook. But everyone was tense, not wanting to hurt him more than he already was. Jae-Heon laid on the floor not letting go of the monster red was the only color that was Prominent in the elevator.

" throw it now!!" He screamed again, I saw Eun-hyuk look between him and Seung-wan debating to do what I think he was doing. He ran to him taking the jar waiting for the perfect moment to throw it but also hesitant because he was his friend.

It was weak but Jae-Heon's last words threw it he mouthed. I could see Eun-Hyuk trying to hold back tears but he threw it. It setting everything on fire. I watched as it was burning them up I couldn't look anymore Turing my head away.

My chin began to quiver, as I drawled in deep breaths. I tried to control my sobs, if I had just fought the monster instead of letting Jae-Heon do it he would still be alive.

A/N

So this chapter has whimsical of different emotions. I hope you liked this chapter, I know it's been slow updates but please be patient. I appreciate all your guy's support it means everything!!! 🖤🖤🥺

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 45 - watching notes

I'm at this stage of fandom rn where it's really hard to concentrate on anything else 😅

Every song I listen to gets dissected for how it relates to wangxian

I need to concentrate on my thesis but instead I'm pondering how the untamed raises questions about collectivism vs individualism and how my western perception of that might differ greatly from a native chinese person or even the author's intention

Can't I just write my thesis about THAT?

Alas, I digress ...

Back to our regular programming :D

Last time one Sophie watches the untamed wwx went all Sherlock on us and used his formidable skills of deduction to expose Backpfeifengesicht's plan of killing everyone and blaming it on wwx

I've heard from several people that the next few episodes are their favourites, so no high expectations at all :D

Nobody wipes the blood on their chins away. Might be about the aesthetic

I adore detective-duo-wangxian so much!! Especially because wwx does 99% of the talking but then lwj will chime in with a single word and it's 100% devastating :D

If anyone knows any well written case-fics for these two, please, I need recs! (For after the show)

Backpfeifengesicht makes good one point and that is that jgy already is at the top of the cultivation world. So what does he gain from all this?

Or is it simply that he's afraid of wwx because he's a rebel and might act against him? (Don't answer that. I wanna find out through the show ;))

Wwx just casually revealed that he's been to cloud recess and that he handles went to the restricted section forbidden chamber. What will you do about, Lan Qiren? Huh? 😂

Oooh! Backpfeifengesicht is the ghosted faced man! I thought it was Jiggy himself!!! 😱

That makes way more sense though!

Lan Sizhui! Jin Ling! Oh you brave boys! 😭

Someone hold me 😭

But why does he not take zidian now? He's done so before!

"You little fool!" Is "I love you" in Jiang-Cheng-speak :D

"We're done for! What can we do??" - wwx *strips*

Sorry

Bahahaha 😂😂😂

I just burst out laughing waaay to loudly for the fact that I've got people sleeping in the room next to mine

But look at Lan Qiren when he sees wwx strop to reveal anat is probably his nephew's undershirt 😂😂😂

He's probably questioning every decision that's let him to this point :D

This is completely inconsequential,but I couldn't keep quiet about it anymore because I every time he makes this motion, it always sends a shiver down my spine!!! Notice that wwx (or rather Xiao Zhan) is one of these people whose fingers bend in the opposite direction??? I know it's just a normal thing some people can do, but I can't watch it!! It makes my fingers hurt just looking at it 🙈🙈🙈

Is he turning himself into a demon lure flag?? 😱

Lan Jingyi 🥺🥺🥺

Also does wwx now just transfer his self-sacrificing tendencies to lwj?

Nothing is as hot as these two together in a fight scene

Jiang Cheng doesn't want to leave them behind. He does care! :') he just never unlearned how to unravel his love from his anger

Sizhui running up to greet his dads :')

Look at them! I'm soft guys 💔

He called him Yuan!! 😭😭😭

So this is it. Any doubts I ever had about Sizhui's identity are gone

Will he finally recognize him??

Why don't you say anything lwj? This one time, I beg you!!

Sect Leader Yao still at his gossip shit even 16 years later 🙄

Lam sizhyi is seasick! Why is this so cute! 😭

Oh Wen Ning!! He recognized A-Yuan? Right?

I want to hug Lan Sizhui for his openness and kindness towards everyone he meets, no matter their status or what other people say about them! (Wen Ning now or who he thought was Mo Xuanyu the supposed mad-man) and I wanna hug lan Wangji right after for raising him to be like this :')

Oh Wen Ning! 😭

That's how I'd look at Sizhui, too, if I met him - poor unadulterated wonder :')

And just think about what that means for Wen Ning! He's not the last of the Wens! All their fight wasn't for nothing. This child, their legacy, survived 😭😭😭

"Can I call you A-Yuan" "Of Course." God I'm gonna burst into tears 😭

I'm actually bursting into tears!!

Isn't this the dream of anyone who has ever lost someone? :')

"He's like a brother and father to me" :')

And he raised him from when he was 4 or 5? So ... A-Yuan was about 2 when the Wens died? Right? Then 5 would fit with lwj's 3 year isolation

Ob god, it's the butterfly-toy!!! 😭😭😭

Wen Nings smiling through his tears! I can't! 😭💔And he's got the one from the market!

Aww, wax isn't wearing the white undergarment anymore. Too bad

Oh poor Jin Ling ...

So much grieve that he could probably never process. There so many lost kids in this story, hurt by things they had no control over 😔

I mean, I get it. That's the person who killed his parents (without being in control, but he doesnt know that) and everyone is just talking to him as if it's normal and that didn't happen. But he can't forget,but he doesnt really understand either and he has no outlet. Of course he'd just ... crash 😥

And who would have thought I'd ever try at a flashback of Jin Zixuan's death :(

For once, it'd be nice if the adults actually acted like the parent figures they're supposed to be and explain things to their children 🤦‍♀️

I'm so thankful though, that no one even thinks of scolding him for crying. Jismg Cheng only asked who it was that made him cry (and looks like he'll kick their ass). Generally, thus show has a very healthy attitude towards tears. Most characters cry when they are faced with tragedy, regardless of gender. Men being allowed to have appropriate reactions to grieve (instead of a single men tear or just punching things) is really nice to see

Oh Yao dude whose courtesy name I can't remember, shut up!

Thanks Ouyang Zizhen! You get me

I live for these children standing up to their elders

Meanwhile Nie Huaisang is just on the sidelines, enjoying the show :D never change!

The Lotus Pier theme song alone is making me cry rn 😢

Why can't wen Ning come in?

Oh Sizhui!

He many times do you want to make me cry happy tears today?? :')

Little turnip-baby ❤

But why doesn't lwj say anything ??? 😭

Lan Wangji raised A-Yuan smong a bunch of rabbits??? 😭

Now he's a turnip baby with a taste for carrots, how cute is that? :')

Holy shit, wwx and lwj are really joined at the hip these days of lwj won't enter the hall if wwx isn't allowed to :D

Lwj 😑 "no misbehaviour"

Someone. Knows. Their. Husband.

Okay sorry, but as painful as these cuts must have been and yes, while you do see scars on this prostitute's face, they in no way warrant these horrified gasps as of they had all seen a monster 🙄

Xue yang. Fancy seeing you here in this not at all disturbing sub-plot 😬

Okay that's creepy. That's really creepy

Shouldn't Jin Guangyao have a bit more compassion for these women?

On the other hand, he was born to menacingly stand behind a curtain 🤷‍♀️

W. T. F. ????

Jin Guangshan??? o___O

That's the most skin we've ever seen on this show and it's in a scene like THIS? 😬

THIS IS HOW JIN GUANGSHAN DIED? 😱😱😱

How?

How can you die from sex?

And then jgy made them keep going?

UGH

These poor women :/

So there's someone who set her free on purpose, right?

Bicao has really interesting eyes!

Oh wait, took me some time to catch up. This is about Quin Su and why she killed herself, right?

WHAT??

They were siblings o_O

They just went full game of thrones on this ...

Hey Jin Guangshan, screw you for raping that woman

Wait, is that why jgy had him die like THAT?

I'm so confused about how that happened btw

But why would Jin Guangyao merry quin su anyway? Was this some kind of political marriage that he couldn't call off?

This episode answered some of my questions but raised about a dozen more 😅

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

5 episodes to go. I'm both happy because I can't wait to brows the untamed tag without looking for spoilers and extremely sad 🥺

Right now I'm planning to watch one episode each day until friday and then watch the last two on Saturday, hopefully quite early, so I can spend the rest of the day crying my eyes out over it, without having to worry about such trivial things as being a functioning adult or a responsible student 😅

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-Six

Words: 3.8k

Warning(s): Explicit language, explicit sexual situations, drug abuse, violence, domestic abuse

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I glance over as Emi starts on God, seeing her absentmindedly fumble with her cross as Mick listens intently, a small smile coming to my face. 

She's as enthusiastic about her beliefs as I am. It's a little more comforting having someone around that's on the same page as I am. 

That is until Nikki gets tired of hearing her go on and on about Christ. 

It's probably giving him flashbacks of conversations with Vanity. 

"Can you shut the fuck up?!" He yells back here to her, and she abruptly stops, looking at him. 

"Sixx, you're not even back here, just mind your own business." Mick boldly replies, too tired to fight about it. 

"What did you just say to me?" He cuts his eyes sharply. 

"He said mind your own business! It's not our fault your blood starts boiling and combusts into flames anytime someone mentions God! Shut up and deal with it and stop being a little bitch!" I state and he glares at me. 

A Jack Daniel's bottle is hurtling my way in no time, and I duck, causing it to hit Mick and Emi, soaking them in Jack. 

"Fuck you!" Nikki yells at me. "And you know what?! If God is so real why doesn't he just strike us out of the sky right fucking now?!" 

This sends Emi into a frenzy, grabbing her crucifix, praying, while Tommy and Vince join in on further terrorizing her, dropping their pants, along with Nikki, while they all shout on about how God needs to suck their dicks. 

I'd be offended if I knew God was. He's more than likely just looking down at them, shaking his head, wondering why he decided to create them in the first place when all they're doing is wasting their lives on booze, used pussy, and any drugs they can get their hands on. 

All the sudden, Tommy disappears into the pilots cabin, and within seconds we're doing a barrel roll, making Emi start screaming and crying. 

Once we get level, I'm taking a few deep breaths before coming to my feet. 

"Vivian." Fred scolds me, knowing what's coming, but I ignore him, marching to Nikki, Vince and Tommy, punching them both in the back of the head as hard as I can before slapping Vince with the same energy, Fred and Doc getting in the way before they can come back at me. 

"Fucking bitch!" Nikki barks at me. 

"Heard that one too many times, it's starting to bore me!" I bite back as Doc pulls me to the back of the plane. 

"See how boring my fingers around your neck are gonna be when I get ahold of you again!" He yells after me, Fred shoving him into a seat. 

"Maybe you'll kill me this time and do us both a favor!" I reply. 

"We have a gun at home just put it in your mouth and fire a-fucking-way!" 

"I would if I didn't know it'd make you so freaking happy, you sick junkie!" 

"God forbid you do anything to make me happy!"

"I sacrificed my dancing and my schooling to make you happy!" I throw at him.

"You threw out your chance to go to school and do what you were passionate about for me when I never even wanted you to do that! I wanted you to go to school, I wanted you to keep dancing but you didn't because you were too much of a pussy to leave 'cause you thought I'd break up with you!" 

"And we see where that fucking got me, don't me?! Married to a sick man who has no qualms about screwing his wife's best friend for over a year in the house he bought for her, in the bed they share!" 

"If that sick man didn't marry such a selfish, evil, farm fresh cunt from hell he wouldn't have felt the need to step out on her!" 

"You stepped out on me for drug love!" 

"I stepped out because I was bored with you and she fucked good!" He's venomously snapping at me. 

I want to say, "trust me, I know the feeling!" but decide not to. 

"Just be sure to mention that to our lawyers when you get back from Japan because I'm sick and tired of being married to you!" I shout. 

"Fuck you!" He screams. 

"Fuck both of you!" Doc snaps at us, heaving heavy breaths. "Now, I've had it, dammit!" He screams. 

We're all silent for a moment, before I'm glaring at Nikki. 

"See what you did, asshole?!" I accuse him. 

"What I did?!" He yells back, brows furrowing.

"Yes, what you did, since the only thing you're good at is stressing people out!" I shout at him. 

"I stress people out?! I stress people out?!" He starts laughing humorlessly. "I turned to fucking smack to escape your stress inducing bullshit, you delusional, rabid cunt!" He barks at me as Fred tugs me to the bathroom before I can get the last word in, locking me in until it's time to land. 

By the time we get to Fort Lauderdale, we've both calmed down enough to tolerate each once again, which is good considering paparazzi is on us like flees to a dog. 

"Vivian, Nikki!" Press shouts as cameras flash, Nikki reluctantly grasping at my hand as Fred clears a path in the people to car. 

When they see Vince, Tommy, Mick and Tansy behind us, they go after them next, giving me and Nikki time to duck into the car. 

"Geez." I sigh out, fixing my hair as Nikki moves across from me the second the door shuts. 

He leans his head back, cursing under his breath, raking a hand down his face. 

"You okay?" I ask him, genuinely, and he sneers, his eyes still closed as he catches his breath. 

"No, Vivian, no, I'm not okay." He huffs out with a sharp scoff, and I rub my lips together. 

"It's hard on me, too, you know. You aren't by yourse--"

"--Bab--Vivian, just shh." He catches himself before he says, "baby," and my heart tenses up in my chest. 

"Would you rather me scream at you and start an argument?" I ask him and he sits up, looking at me with smeared, running eyeliner, circles under his eyes, and ghostly skin. 

"I'd rather you just keep your mouth shut." He states, fumbling with his boot, pulling some tar, a spoon and a syringe out. 

"Oh, you aren't serious..." I say to him, raising a brow. 

"Me,Tansy, Izzy, Andy, Michael...don't act like you haven't seen someone shoot up before, Viv. If it makes you pussy out just close your eyes. I'll be done in a few seconds." He mumbles, about to start heating it in the spoon. 

I do just that, until I decide I'm not sitting around and let him kill himself anymore. 

I go to snatch the syringe and lump of smack away from him before he can stop me, opening the sunroof and throwing it out, going for his syringe next. 

"Stop!" He barks at me, guarding it, the both of us ending up on the floor of the limousine. 

"Nikki!" I scream, fighting with him to get it, but a sharp pain is soon shooting through my pointer finger as the needle stabs through the underside of my finger and out the top. 

It was by accident, being that he wasn't even holding the needle. 

"Motherfucker!" I scream to myself, Nikki's face paling further at the sight, as he lays underneath me while my tears are rolling down my cheeks as stinging pain spread through the nerves of my fingers, followed by the buzzing of the micro-amount of heroin on the tip of the needle that pierced my skin. 

I hiss as I pull it out and aim the needle at the car's carpet, getting rid of the shot, holding my bleeding finger as I sit up, Nikki still looking sick as I get off of him. 

"That shit wasn't cheap." He tells me, pulling himself up.

I don't pay him any attention, my finger starting to throb. 

He stares at me while I have my little pity party, before he takes a long sigh and grabs at my hurt finger, making me sniffle. 

"It's not like it went through the bone, Viv." He says dismissively, although he still holds to my finger as if trying to make it better. 

"Just shut up." I snatch away from him, frustrated.

"You shut up." He replies in the same harsh tone. 

"You fuck off." I kick my heel into his knee and he grabs my ankle and tugs at me, causing me to slide into the limo floor again. "Nikki!" I kick again with my other foot, this time, missing his crotch by mere centimeters. 

He slides to the other side of the seating to get away from me. 

When we stop at the next light, I'm reaching for the door handle and opening it up, causing him to pounce on me, and slam the door as I open it, yelling, "goddamnit, Sixx!" pinning me under him to keep me from opening it again. 

We both take heavy breaths, looking at each other...he smells repulsive, but I've missed the presence of his close proximity. 

The door opens suddenly, Doc and Fred looking down at us. 

Apparently we didn't stop at a red light, but our destination.

We both look up at them like guilty puppies, piled on each other, Fred, in particular, eyeing me like a hawk. 

"We're here." Doc informs us as we pull ourselves out of the car, and I brush off as Doc and Nikki walk ahead of me and Fred. 

"Don't say a word." I tell Fred.

"Wasn't going to." He assures me.

"It wasn't what it looked like." I say next. 

"Never said it was." He replies.

"Yeah, but, I know what it looked like, and--"

"--Viv, I'm not saying a word about it." He reassures me as we walk into the venue to see Steven, Slash, and Izzy sitting on the stage. 

Stevie sees me and makes a beeline for me, making a point to hug me. 

Steven was like Vince, but a hell of a lot more genuine and wholesome. He just loved love, affection, flirting, and women--especially women.

"Duff's really upset over what happened, Viv." He tells me in my ear. 

"I'll talk to him." I reply with a slight nod. 

"I don't know if just talking it out is gonna help much of anything, babe." He says lowly and I let out a breath. 

"I'll talk to him." I repeat, brushing off his warning. 

When I get on the bus, Duff's got his shirt off, shuffling through his bag, glancing at me. 

"Hey." I say to him.

"Hey." He mumbles back, grabbing another tshirt to put on. 

"Steven said you were still pretty upset about last night." I tell him, stepping a little closer. 

"Not with you...just...the situation." He explains in a low, frustrated tone. 

"Well, do you wanna talk about it?" I offer. 

He looks at me, letting out a breath, licking his lips.

"You've already said you guys are getting divorced, so, it's not like it really matters." He shrugs. "Just having a little trouble pretending like he didn't damn near kill you, but..." he trails off, seeing the look on me face before saying, "I'll get over it, Viv, alright? Don't worry about me jumping on him again or anything like that." 

"I'm not worried about that." I assure him, grasping at his hand, tugging him closer to me in the aisle, a small smile on his lips as his hand runs through my hair, our eyes locked. 

"I love you." He tells me, my arms wrapping around his waist. 

"I love you, too." I grin, and he presses his lips to mine, sweetly, before I'm pulling away. 

"Alright, your show starts in an hour and a half." I inform him. 

"Okay." He says dismissively, kissing me again. 

"Duff, we gotta go." I giggle, his lips kissing at my cheek, then my neck. 

"We will." He says against my skin, chuckling. 

"If you're late, Axl's gonna kill us both." I remind him, kissing him again. 

As always, one thing led to another, and then…

"Duff," I whimper out, my bare back wet with sweat from the humidity in the Florida air, my thighs spread as he pushes his fingers in and out of me on the table of the empty tour bus--my dress discarded to the floor, leaving me in only my heels since I wasn't wear a bra or panties, specifically prepared for this moment. 

The wet sounds of his fingers toying with my soaked pussy reverberate off the walls of the bus, only making the ache in me more hungry. 

His tongue swirls around my nipple, and he bites it teasingly, making arch into him, his fingers plunging deeply into me, purposely brushing that spot. 

I runny fingers through his hair as he goes to my other nipple, doing the same to it, making me sigh out in pleasure. 

He kisses my lips before grinning, taking a step back to look between my legs as if admiring me, his bare torso tensing with each breath in, his hand raking over his blonde hair. 

I pull my lip into my mouth, placing my heel on his chest, gently pushing him to sit down across the aisle, and I look at him smugly as he watches me, his hand palming at his crotch. 

I turn over to my hands and knees on the table, arching my ass up and my face down before reaching my hand underneath me to rub at my clit, watching over my shoulder as he takes heavy breaths. 

Two of my fingers tease at my entrance, and I moan out as they slide into me, my walls tightening around my digits as pleasure prickles up my spine. 

He keeps his eyes glued to me as I move my other hand to my clit, my toes curling as I eventually bring myself to orgasm, but I don't have time to recover before Duff's hands are grabbing my hips and his tongue is lapping at my center, sucking at my clit from behind. 

I gasp, my hand reaching back to hold his face to me, my body moving in rhythm with his tongue. 

Moans and whimpers come from me, and he pulls away for a moment, only to pull me into the aisle and push at my back until I've got my hands on the floor, completely bent over as he gets a better angle at eating me out. 

I nearly scream at the sudden accessibility he's got, on his knees, lips and tongue going to work. 

"I'm gonna come." I gasp out and he presses one more kiss to my clit before two of his fingers thrust into my cunt, making my eyes roll back at their demanding pace, curling to hit against my g-spot. 

He stands up, never pulling his hand away as the other hand holds at my hip, leaving to run over my ass cheek for a moment as I begin to spasm around his fingers, my legs shaking as cum runs down them. 

He pulls his fingers from me and I'm standing and turning to face him, sucking them into my mouth and he curses under his breath as I keep them in my mouth, my hand unbuckling his belt and pulling his hard cock out of his jeans, wanting him down my throat at the sight of precum beading at his tip. 

I keep my control, letting his fingers from my mouth as I'm licking my lips and rubbing my thighs together. 

I sit on the edge of the table, my legs spread, my hand between my legs as he steps to me, grabbing his prick and rubbing it against my sensitive folds. 

"Fuck, Vivian." He says softly, smile on his lips as if he still can't believe he's sleeping with me. 

I just grin at him and pull him down to kiss me. 

I cry out when he takes the time to push into me, hitting as deep as he can with a few more inches to spare. 

"Make me take all of it." I tell him after he thrusts a few times. 

He watches my face as he slowly inches it further and further into me, his tip hitting my cervix and pressing against it, making it give way little by little until he's buried in me to the hilt and I feel like he's in my stomach, tears in my eyes from the painful pleasure. 

"This is how deep I want you to go when you come." I tell him, sweat beading between my breasts and he watches it, leaning forward to lick it off my skin. 

"You want me to come in you?" He asks me, knowing the answer but wanting to hear me say it. 

"Yes." I nod, gasping. 

"Why?" He asks and I look down, his shaft disappearing into me and coming out glistening with my juices. 

"Because it feels so good." I reply and he grabs my jaw, his tongue meeting mine in a sloppy, passionate kiss as he picks up his pace. 

I grab his hand and guide it to my bruised throat. 

He almost pulls his hand away but stops when I look at him. 

"You're not gonna--fuck--hurt me." I assure him, my hungry pussy being fed the way its needed, making my eyes roll back and my lids close as my head tilts back.

He slowly grasps my throat, harder and harder, and the sensation sends sharp pleasure straight to my clit. 

My fingers go to play with it, but his fingers move mine from his way, staying in fast rhythm with his thrusts.

"I'm--" I can't finish what I'm saying before he moans out with me tightening around him, further wetting him with my juices as I finish

Within a couple more minutes he's breathing out, his dick twitching before he fits all of his length into my cunt and my body's being christened with his hot cum. 

Once I cool down and clean myself up, I'm going back to him. 

I pull my shirt back over my head as his hand runs up and down my back, his lips catching on the space between my shoulder blades before the fabric of my shirt can cover me, making me laugh. 

"Duff, we--" 

"Dude, we eat on that table!" We hear Stevie pipe, and turn to see him and Izzy looking at us in horror, by the door, where we're sitting on the table. 

"So did Duff, apparently." Izzy says with a crooked smile, cigarette smoke cascading past his lips as he finds it amusing. 

"Sorry." I say to them, quickly getting dressed as Duff gets up to pull his pants on. 

"We didn't see anything, don't worry. We just waited for the screaming to subside." Izzy lets out. "Axl's wondering where you guys are."

"Of course he is." I roll my eyes. 

"Not for that reason. I think he wants to talk to you about Tansy." He adds. 

"Tansy? What about her?" 

"What do you think?" 

"She's not going to rehab until she wants to." I immediately know what he's referring to. "And being that she's not enthusiastic about living, I doubt she cares whether she dies or not." 

"Well, Axl's all worried and googly eyed and gross." Izzy huffs out. 

"Plus, she's our friend, too, and we've all been trying to talk to her about getting some help." Steven tells me, next.

I get my shoes on and step past them to the door. 

"See ya in a few." Duff tells me. 

"See ya in a few." I reply, smiling at him, before going to find Axl.

The irony of anybody from Guns being worried for Tansy due to her drug addiction was exactly that: ironic. 

But I don't blame Axl for not wanting to see the girl he was miserably in love with (well, obsessed and unhealthily infatuated with) on the brink of her own final destruction. I guess because I'd been there with Nikki, myself, and knew how scary it was--even if big, bad, mean machine Axl refused to admit he was scared, I knew he was.

"Have you seen Axl?" I ask Doc as I pass him by, and he furrows his brows. 

"Might check their dressing room, I think." He replies and I nod. 

"Oh, and I'm sorry for mine and Nikki's fight earlier." I say before he can walk off. 

"Don't worry about it, Vivian." He nods a little as I offer a small smile and head to the guys' dressing room. 

The ginger isn't in there and I groan, heading to Mötley's dressing room to check in there, coming face to face with Sparkie. 

"What the hell are you doing in here?" I ask him, cutting my eyes. 

"Waiting for Nikki to get back from the bathroom...what about you?" He replies smugly. 

"Wondering why you're back when Nikki and Axl have both made it clear they don't want to see you again." I state. 

"The bitchy redhead isn't getting in the way of my business." He says, referring to dealing to Nikki. 

"You're so sick." I hiss out in disgust, turning to leave. 

"I'm kinda wanting to add a few drops of fuel to the fire, ya know...tell him about you and Duff." He starts, and I tense up, slowly looking at him. "End the last show of this leg of the tour with a bang." 

"He won't believe you." I try to say it confidently, but my voice cracks just slightly. 

"I don't think you're giving him enough credit, Viv. Sure he's high a lot of the time, but it's not hard to believe when almost all of your time is spent with Duff in some form or fashion--not to mention you lied about your friendship with him from the start, so…" he points out. 

"What gets you off about seeing people in pain? If you're not helping them destroy themselves, you're making things a lot worse for their life." I grit out. 

"I'm not making things worse for his life by telling him about your inability to keep your legs closed. You did--well, still are doing--the crime, I'm just giving him a heads up about it because he's my friend, and my friend needs to know what kind of snake his wife really is." He remarks and I grind my teeth, turning to go again, but he grabs my wrist. 

"Unless she wants to persuade me to keep her secret?" He suggests, his cruddy eyes traveling up my body like they always do. "Last chance, Viv." He adds. "If he finds out, it'll completely shatter him. You don't want that on your hands, do you?" He keeps on, stepping closer to me, his arm sliding around my waist slowly as I stand still, frozen, as my heart pounds in my chest. "It'll just take a few minutes, and then you can go on your merry way, and I won't say a word." He grins, the tip of his nose touching mine, his chapped lips grazing mine as the door opens, revealing Nikki. 

[ma-gic-gay]

Death had always been a finite concept. For both of them, presumably, but especially for Carly. Death was something she had to deal with far too regularly for her tastes (comes with the territory when you have a habit of marrying mobsters), despite her hatred of it.

Shootings, she could handle. And did, shockingly well. Despite the fact she couldn't handle being in a stable situation for more than a day, she was great in a crisis.

Of course, the fact she had Jason there was helpful. She felt unsafe, she called him and it was like she had her own personal body guard. It was, in a very strange way, nice to know he wouldn't hesitate to kill for her and has done it repeatedly in the past.

The deaths of the people who tried to kill her (or him, especially him- she prayed those bastards got the worst treatment they could) were the only ones she could handle.

It's a bit ironic she got killed from a shooting, three hours and twenty three minutes after Jason died, in a weird way. She always said she'd kill for him (realistically she knew he'd lose his shit if she ever did that because he's overprotective and hasn't taught her how to use a gun), and that's exactly what she did. He got shot right in front of her, she grabbed his gun while he was yelling at her not to and shot the person.

Slight problem though, she too got shot. Whoopsie daisies.

Getting shot fucking hurt. She was in and out of consciousness when she was at the hospital and no one would tell her about Jason's condition. They were married, for fuck's sakes, why the fuck wasn't anyone telling her how her husband was doing?!

Eventually, someone (probably Monica, she can't remember) told her he was dead. They got to him too late, they said, he'd been doa and their best efforts hadn't revived him.

After hearing that, she couldn't live with herself. He got shot because Vince was trying to shoot her and off he went to be her hero and make everything okay and he got killed. One phone call and he was at the Metro Court, hanging out with her and keeping watch when he noticed Vince in the parking lot and went out there to confront him. Vince pointed a gun at Carly and, of course, since Jason's a self sacrificing person, he died.

Which meant she was directly responsible for his death and that rocked her to her very core. She'd failed him. After twenty five years, she failed him. Even he'd have to admit this one. There was no spin on this (and she'd heard some strange ones over the years) for how she'd be able to live with herself after she failed him. It wasn't like she'd done something stupid, no, she got him killed. Carly knew he'd do something, especially since Vince was a dick, and she told him. Did he deserve to know? Yes. But only after she'd reassured his overprotective streak she'd be fine and he didn't have to kill anyone else for her.

According to something she'd heard from the doctors, in whatever fucking limbo this was, Carly had died of a heart attack. Likely brought on by stress. Bullets were fine but hearing of Jason's death killed her.

Yup, makes sense. Well, she'll be able to apologize for all of eternity once she gets to wherever she's going. Even after he forgives her (which, she's being honest, will happen as soon as they see each other), she's going to apologize and apologize.

Ooh, she gets to see Sonny and Morgan too! Her son and husband and best friend for all of eternity. What could be better?

There's something that vaguely looks like an angel and she notices it drags her up. Huh, guess she's going to heaven. Makes sense, Carly's a fairly good person. She's not a terrible one.

Except when she gets there she only finds Morgan and Courtney (Courtney, oh how she missed her), no Jason anywhere. Where the hell was he? Avoiding a party, probably. She has got to get him to go out more, especially now that nothing can probably happen. What are the rules of death?

"Where's Jason?" Carly asks after greeting the pair. They stare blankly until she asks again, "Where is he? He's here, right? I was told he's dead!"

Courtney's the first one to be stunned out of her shock. "Carly, he, um, didn't make the cut."

"For what? Give me that list, I'm adding his name at the very top. Where the fuck is he?" She exclaims. He's here, he's got to be here.

"You're aware of his job, right?" Is she aware of his job, of course she is!

"Yes, Courtney, it's why we got married. Where the hell is he? Or Sonny, or Mike!"

"Mike's taking a nap and Sonny's not dead." What?! "Or, if he is, he didn't make the cut either." Didn't make the cut for what? Carly will scheme, steal, seduce, lie and cheat go get those two up here with her, where the fuck are they?

"Because of Jason's job and the amount of people he killed, he didn't make the cut to heaven. He's in hell." Is it possible to die twice? She might just do that. He's in hell, which is a place for bad people! Her hero is in hell.

She's gonna kill someone. "I'm not perfect! None of us are perfect, I killed someone! Why the hell aren't we down there? He died defending me!"

"Shocking," Morgan says dryly. "Jason killed people for a living. He was a mobster."

"And I'm an accessory to all of that! I lead the mob for a week or two!" Carly exclaims. "He's a good person, we know that."

"We're not in charge of the decisions, Carly," Courtney attempts to comfort her best friend. It's a nice attempt. "That's for people with a lot more clout than us. If it was up to either of us, I promise he'd be here but you'll never see him again."

Never see him again? Oh hell no. "Is there any way to get sent down to hell with him?" This is impulsive and reckless and Jason wouldn't encourage it but she's got less care. She needs to see her best friend again, goddammit."Some paperwork I can file, some people's husband's I can seduce?"

"Someone can submit you for reevaluation."

"Great! Is Emily here?" Emily hates her, she'll surely want to help!

"Somewhere, yeah. Why?"

"Emily hates me. Can't blame her. Anyways, look, I want to help her write my reevaluation. I've ruined a lot of lives."

"Which Jason has always helped you feel better about."

"That's because he's my best friend, Morgan."

The next few weeks are spent making sure every single one of her transgressions is on the list and resubmitting her,,, whatever the hell it's called, Emily never gave details.

So it's really not a surprise when she's dragged down to hell by some gross creature, waving goodbye to her son and Courtney and sister in law (that's a weird thing to think about).

And when she gets there, it's just like a darker version of heaven. It's the same fucking place (away from the fire), just more her color palette. Weird.

"Excuse me, where's Jason Morgan?" She asks the creature who dragged her down here. "I was informed he'd be down here."

A shrug is all she gets in response. Well then, she's able to roll with the punches and searches up and down for him, eventually finding him in a room without decorations or anything but basic necessities.

She's got some decorating on her hands.

Carly walks right through the half opened door (he really didn't lock it? Weirdo) and gets the response of, "Get out."

"Don't expect me to start knocking just because we're dead," she quips, a smile on her face. Knocking is overrated. He looks normal and as he registers what's going on, he gets all squinty.

Once he actually realizes it's her, she's already half attacked him in a hug that he reciprocates. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Little bit of bargaining, Emily's assistance and voila! You'd be amazed at how many bad things I've done. Everyone sends their love, of course. Are there any stores down here? This room is so boring," she changes the subject.

"No, I mean why are you dead? You're supposed to be alive."

"I died three hours and twenty three minutes after you. Heart attack. Monica told me about you dying. No one else would." That was a very bad time when he was dead and she wasn't.

"Does this mean-"

"No, you are not responsible for my death. If anything, I'm responsible for yours. I'm sorry, more than you'll ever know," Carly tells him, eyes welling up with tears.

"You're not responsible. I got shot. It happens." Way too nonchalant for death.

"Because you were defending me, like always. Seriously, take a nice vacation off of that and start using your survival instincts. I don't have Emily to help me this time if I need to transfer afterlives."

"I was defending the business."

"Bullshit. I told you Vince threatened me and you already planned to kill him. You saw your opportunity and instead of shooting him, you got shot and died. This is my fault, 100%, and I will not let you make me feel better about this. You could've patched things up with Britt, hung out with a bunch of people but no, you had to die protecting me. Take a week off of being my hero, please."

"I'm not going to do that. The last time I thought about it, you took over the business."

"Well I can't just ask you to forgive me, so take a day off."

"You'll get kidnapped. And I don't hold you responsible because it was my choice to defend you and my choice to want to kill Vince."

"You're overprotective and it's nice but not when it kills you."

"You spent twenty five years running off every woman in my life because you were convinced they'd hurt me, you hated a ton of people because they did something to me and you almost committed several felonies. And I'm overprotective," he rolls his eyes.

"Not the point, first off and second, you've killed and kidnapped for me. In a very fucked up way, it's sweet. And you totally ran off the men in my life!"

"How did I do that?"

"By being the only person I can depend on. I don't know, look, they've all- except for Sonny, most of the time- hated you because you intimidated them. So you did the same thing, just not on purpose."

"Then it's not the same thing."

"How did we get so off topic? I'm sorry for being the reason you're dead. Do you forgive me?" Strange sentences.

"You're not why I'm dead, I made that choice-"

"You chose to die?"

"I meant the choice to jump in front of you."

"Which was instinctual, you've always protected me."

"Might have to do that even more down here. There's some real creeps."

"I really don't think they'll care that much. But okay."

"Vince is here."

"No revenge."

"He killed you and I'm just supposed to sit here and ignore that he did that?!"

"Maybe we can talk this all out."

"Carly, what part of this aren't you understanding? He killed you. I hurt him, that's how this works, so he knows better than to mess with you."

"Or we could go shop for decor. I'll pick out nice stuff, come on let's go!"

"I'm not going shopping. I'm planning revenge."

"It'll be safer if you're there with me."

"I hate it when you're right."

"Love you too."

"Love you."

The end fuckers :)

oh it's beautiful. thank you for this

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Title: Confessions of a Caffeine fiend

Author: Nick Hornby

Rating: 2/5 stars

Although the book is framed by Nick Hornby's trademark casual, funny, colorful writing style, the content quickly becomes tedious and pathologizing. Hornby's account of his drug-related misadventures -- all full of eye-popping anecdotes, colorful innuendo, outrageous claims, and lurid speculation -- may well make you feel more able to enjoy an occasional buzz than someone without drug problems. But it's difficult to care about any of the main characters, because the whole book seems to be about how much fun Hornby and the others are having. They get wasted, smoke a ton of weed, and play a lot of video games. Everyone is having a good time, drinking, making goofy jokes, and doing dumb shit -- like "walking into a river" when it's dark and trying to do other things. But when it's not being used for goofy jokes or as a bathroom, drug use can be very disheartening.

Hornby constantly portrays his characters as having brilliant, optimistic, insightful, colorful, funny, erudite, virtuous, sensitive, sophisticated, masterful, philosophically insightful, fascinating, sensitive, wonderful, self-sacrificing, moralistically inspired, thoughtful, self-confident, productive, ambitious, socially adept, clever, funny, loving, enviable, worldly, funny, capable, intelligent, creative, intelligent, creative, attuned to nature and to each other, open-minded, genuine, altruistic, energetic, sensible, effortful, capable of great love, committed to the greater good, creative, conscientious, spiritual, a keeper, a keeper, a keeper, a keeper, a keeper, a keeper, a keeper, a keeper, a keeper. Is there more to Hornby?

Hornby seems to be a decent guy, although he's made a name for himself as a writer. I would have thought I would be able to identify with some of Hornby's inner conflicts, as I did with many of the characters in my own adolescent years -- but Hornby's self-presentation as the Great Wise One of young people makes him seem less like a sympathetic figure than a charlatan who'll say anything to get us to buy his latest book. Hornby isn't even on drugs when he writes this book, although he has a lot to drink, smoke weed, or both, and he himself sometimes gets into trouble because he's so wild about his book. He's playing a game -- trying to convince us that he's one of us, one of the headiest, most talented, interesting, self-confident, charming, erudite, worldly, creative, intelligent, compassionate, creative, young people of a certain age, and that if only we will let him know, he'll make us think we're a lot more like him than we really are. And the obvious fact remains that this book and his career are based on selling us a bunch of little stories in which he flouts, out of the blue, his own sense of decorum and self-restraint -- stories in which he looks like a modern-day Robin Hood, taking what he thinks is our stuff and sharing it with those who need it, instead of appropriating it in the service of his own fame.

[earlgayteaandtarot]

2022 Major Arcana Grand Tableau

It's New Years Eve! Time to take a look at one 2022 has in store for me. I'm doing this grand tableau based on this post by @servantofthefates :)

My tableau and interpretation below the cut~

I've been vibing best with my Hush Tarot deck, that's the one that's used here. ^.^

The Fool – What will begin in your life? IV of Swords - This is bit difficult. I think it means I'll start to set the necessary boundaries I need to life that's balanced with work/rest.

The Magician – What dream will manifest? King of Swords - These past few months, I've been really working on myself and what I want in life. With King's strength and forcefulness, I think I might just be able to manifest a few of the things I've been working on.

The High Priestess – What secret will be uncovered? VI of Cups - Nostalgia isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The Empress – What will you harvest? II of Cups - I will absolutely revel in my passions instead of running from them.

The Emperor – What will you have control over? Ace of Wands - Only I control how hard I work and how much joy I have, I need to grab it by the horns so speak.

The Hierophant – What will remain unchanged? Page of Cups - My creative ventures will remain the same. Oh, interesting, does this mean I shouldn't explore new creative outlets like I'd been planning and focus on the ones I already like.

The Lovers – How will your love life be? Knight of Pentacles - My girlfriend and I build a strong foundation together this year. That makes sense considering we're working towards moving in together by October 2022.

The Chariot – What will make you victorious? VIII of Swords - Getting rid of my illusions will help in achieving my goals.

Strength – Where will you find strength? X of Pentacles - I'll find strength by trusting my own wisdom and the sanctification that will bring.

The Hermit – What will you need to reflect on? Queen of Pentacles - I'll need to reflect on what I consider practical and my sensitivity to practicalness.

Wheel of Fortune – Where will you find luck? IX of Swords - This will be a year where my mental illness and health start to take a back seat for a little while. Considering how up and down the past few years were, I really hope this is true.

Justice – Who will avenge you? VIII of Pentacles - My own vision and the rewards from it will be my own vengeance. Yes, please see me thriving and eat shit~

The Hanged Man – What will you have to sacrifice? X of Cups - I'm thinking this means my year will be filled with little sacrifice. If not, maybe it's sacrificing the ideals that have kept me going this far but no longer serve me.

Death – What will be reborn? IX of Pentacles - My independence and self discipline will be reborn. Thank Aphrodite, because I sorely need that back after losing them both in that toxic relationship.

Temperance – What will bring balance into your life? King of Wands - Having a vision and honoring it will bring balance to my life.

The Devil – What will you be most passionate about? Knight of Swords - ha! I would get being passionate about being determined. I am SO determined to start making my dreams a reality.

The Tower – What will trigger a profound change? King of Cups - Emotional stability and strength will enact profound change. Please, yes. I'm working so hard on both!

The Star – Where will you find hope? III of Cups - I'll find hope in friendship~ This card holds such a special place with me. I hope my college trio friend group reforms.

The Moon – What will stay clouded? Ace of Pentacles - Hmmmmm, does this mean moving won't be the new beginning I hope it is? I'm not sure how to interpret this one tbh.

The Sun – What will bring you joy? VII of Cups - My imagination (I'm guess writing my books) and all the possibilities before me bring me joy. Bet

Judgement – Which of your oppressors will be punished? Page of Pentacles - Based on the description of the person the page represents, I sure fucking hope so.

The World – What will give you a sense of accomplishment? III of Wands - Preparation and enterprise will give me a sense of accomplishment.

Hmmmm. I'm going to meditate on this for a while before I come back and put to together. Probably tomorrow along with seeing the trends within it for the year.