#bedtime rant

[existentialbogwitch]

I am one of those people whose natural internal clock wants to go to bed at like 2 or 3 am and wake up around noon.

I have been like this for a very long time and I have tried SO HARD to change this.

The best I’ve been able to do consistently is go to bed at 2 and wake up at 10am.

Much of this is due to the fact that my job as a music teacher means that I’m working from 3pm to 8pm most days of the week.

I have been doing this for ten years.

I do not have a normal job, but I love my job and it works for me.

But it is incredibly isolating.

I work in a building with other teachers, but we don’t really ever have the opportunity to talk to each other because they book classes back to back and I have a busy schedule so I never have breaks or opportunities to talk to anyone else.

I’m also autistic and I have a lot of auditory sensory issues. I was officially diagnosed with auditory processing disorder when I was in college and I don’t know why they didn’t take further to diagnose me with autism as well.

But I teach in a building with a lot of other music rooms and they are not well insulated. Tuba lesson day is the WORST.

I have a white noise machine and that helps a bit.

I doubt my students even notice but I have to sit there all day and it is torture.

If I was teaching in my own space it wouldn’t be as much of a problem.

Some days are better than others.

I have worn earplugs on occasion but I don’t want to seem “rude” to my students.

I am a good musician and it is my best skill set.

I would love to be able to go to grad school for music therapy or piano pedagogy.

I don’t think I can afford to get my masters because it is very expensive.

I audition and was accepted to the masters program at temple university in 2017.

I went and toured the school and everything.

I really wanted to do it.

But it was just too expensive.

Music therapists don’t get paid very much.

It is my absolute dream to be able to work with neurodivergent kids and provide adaptive music lessons.

I already do this in my work every day and I try to make my lessons as accessible as possible.

I do a lot of research and I’m really considering making a blog to share my research because I don’t have colleagues to talk to and I’ve been really isolated for a long time.

I really wish I could get my masters because it would make me feel so much more comfortable working with kids if I had more training.

My plan now is to finish my web design degree and try to start building websites on the side.

I hope to eventually make enough money to leave the school I’m working at (that takes half my paycheck) and teach on my own. And then I’m hoping I’ll make enough money that I can go to school for mental health counseling. I could maybe try to approach doing music lessons with mental health counseling in an adaptive way for neurodivergent students.

I’m also hoping that I’ll have my own mental health in better shape by that point.

If I had gone to therapy much earlier in my life and worked through my trauma, things could have been so much better for me.

But the stigma around mental illness is so bad that people would rather suffer and die than admit that they need help.

Being labeled as “crazy” is one of the most isolating experiences I have ever had.

I am aware of my actions and I am trying my best to survive.

My family story is very traumatic and I cannot talk about my childhood without it causing pain to myself and others around me.

My sense of self gets distorted when I live at home because the person I am and the person my family sees me as (or doesn’t see me as) are not the same thing.

My entire life I’ve struggled because I’ve been trying to construct identities that will be palatable to other people out of a desperation to gain acceptance.

And I’m fucking done.

I’m posting this publicly so I have accountability to myself about this.

I can feel myself actively making myself small in my life for protection.

Because I’m afraid of being called out as something “other” and punished.

When was the last time you saw any news featuring happy queer people?

I can’t leave my house without being afraid that someone is filming me to make a reaction video and repost without my consent.

I’m afraid of being too openly weird on the internet out of judgment I will receive.

Every time I’ve tried to do something that feels truly “me” I’ve been ridiculed for it.

I don’t feel like I have any place to express myself or feel “seen” and it is devastating.

I feel absolutely invisible.

And I know there are people who care, they just can’t physically be with me.

And I struggle with emotional permanence in a way that makes the term “abandonment issues” seem like a euphemism.

If people are not actively reminding me of how much they care about me and regularly reassuring me that they like me, I start to feel like I’ve done something wrong and they hate me.

I’ve had a lot of social experiences where I upset someone and I don’t understand why and they never talked to me about it - they just never talked to me again.

A lot of experiences.

So I keep messing up and people just don’t ever try to repair with me.

Even after I apologize things are never the same again and it’s usually because it’s at that point they realize I’m autistic and having relationships with me will not be easy.

And they get distant because they don’t know how to interact with me.

Or, what most likely happens is that I have a tendency to have very intense relationships with people.

I am an intense person.

I have a lot of thoughts and my brain never really stops. It’s pretty incessant. I am annoying. It is a big part of my neurodivergence.

Most of my best friends have also been neurodivergent and our friendships consisted entirely of us infodumping to each other about our days.

I’ve always gravitated toward being friends with smart people who do not outwardly express their emotions because it helps keep me grounded.

I am extremely emotionally sensitive and when I watch someone in a movie have a feeling, I feel it too.

Every time.

And I realized that not everyone experiences this and that is nuts to me.

It’s why I mostly just watch Star Trek all the time and I need things to be predictable.

I prefer to watch things that have a book I can read first so I can picture it in my head.

Which is why I love Dune so much.

I’m writing here because I’m very lonely and I really want someone to talk to and I don’t know anyone else who stays up as late as I do.

I feel bad and I wish I could have a normal sleep schedule but that just isn’t what my body wants to do.

I’m autistic and trying to change my sleep routine is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.

I will likely always be self employed because I need to be able to set my own schedule.

I really wish I had more people in my life who believed in me.

I’m working on building my circle but I feel like I’m starting from scratch and my “is this person trustworthy” meter doesn’t work (autism and trauma).

I hope I’m not inviting more pain on myself by posting this but if you don’t try you’ll never know.

[ghost-bxrd]

Ao3 is down and now I’m just like— staring at the ceiling. Wondering how people existed before Ao3 was a thing.

[fisheito]

a taste of Things I Draw in the hazy juncture of drowsy---sneep

[sevdidntdie]

confused long post

so I keep getting into arguments with my parents but thats not what this is abt

like the thing is just i dont know whats happening like why theyre angry...like my mom's yelling abt something and it just sounds confusing...bc i thought i explained well but i guess not? its not like me thinking they dont get it its just that i dont get why its happening

like she said i keep saying things in a rude tone or mean way or smth but i thought i was saying it politely? cuz like when she asked a question i just responded truthfully but that just made her mad? like idky cuz i just said the truth and i dont think lying was good?

and im like is this autism? or is it normal?

when i told her that i dont know why shes angry that just made it worse for some reason? but i was/am really confused and im like...i still dont get it? i gave honest answers to what i thought were honest questions but were they like rhetorical or something? like i do have a problem with understanding peoples points but i think thats normal

and then she went off on me for interrupting her? but i heard a pause and i thought that meant that she was done? the tone sounded like it was coming to an end? should i just stay silent next time? i genuinely thought it was over and she was done so i started talking but then she started talking too and said i was talking over her...but i thought she was done so i kept talking...like did i just misunderstand the conversation flow? i thought i understood what was going on

its just confusing bc i thought i understood the conversation but none of the points made sense and the way the conversation went kept surprising me? im just confus

[kayatoastkkat]

this honestly looks like a mom trying to get her kid to eat the meds

the attic is actually so beautifully rendered though, I can kind of understand why Frankie wanted to be moved here now. and hey look as a bonus a convenient window to look out of (sorry for missing out the last page, I fell asleep before I could make a post)

so she does take the medicine! despite saying she'd never let herself get treated by Jekyll...ah well since Creature is around she doesn't exactly have a choice and wow, the way Creature reacts to being called a "foul torturer"...I think Frankie realised her mistake

…genuinely surprised this happened. Then again, I suppose since Jekyll isn't here, Frankie would be willing to show something called "emotion". I understand it is rather a foreign concept here, but I'm surprised nonetheless that she chose to show gratitude.

she called creature "my friend" oh my god guys get the camera

[thepettymachine]

made these two ladies to get my mind off of my power tripping boss :)

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Not to fall into the trap of hyping things up when they’re barely started but this Bedtime Story is gonna be SO sappy and self indulgent

[witofretard28]

Revenge bedtime procrastination: Decision to sacrifice sleep for leisure time due to lack of free time during the day.

Ofc we sacrifice sleep for the little time we have to be ourselves. The time where we can finally listen to our own thoughts loud and clear and less jumbled, when we don't have to pretend, when we won't get any work related calls or calls from people in general, when we can breathe, sing if we want to or puff our eyes out crying ugly, read our favorite book, sit and stare at the wall if we want, put our legs up the wall and listen to music, let our skin breathe, not worry about how uncool we look and feel, how sexy we are, stalk our exes. It's the only time we choose not to worry about future and let go. Live and breathe!

So what if we wake up next day feeling like shit...we atleast had a bit of heaven in the night when we sacrificed our sleep.

[bakedbakermom]

realizing tonight that the bad guys in my daughter's bedtime stories are, effectively, jk rowling, google, and picasso.

[immortally-aro]

what i want this year is for people to stop ignoring characters aspec identities. i don't give a fuck if the character never said out loud that they were aspec, ok?? if they have said they don't find people sexually attractive or aren't interested in ever having a romantic relationship then it counts as them being canonically aspec!! why is that so fucking hard for people to understand? like, if a character says that she only likes girls it's understood that she's canonically gay. but i guess the same logic doesn't apply for us

[social-mockingbird]

You know when you get a cold and you’re like tripping but respectfully? Like things are vaguely fuzzy and you’re pretty sure your entire body has a different texture and your skin is buzzing and you are extremely attached to one particular color. But you can still hold a conversation and use words like “increments”

[the-last-hipopotamovolador]

I think most of the time adventure time is underrated and misinterpreted by the people who are not part of the fandom. They see it as a bizzare cartoon full of fart jokes and nonsense shit, and i get why would you get that image of the show if you watch a random episode one time without having any context of the rest of the series and its universe, BUT this is a big misunderstanding, and im tired of people not seeing the beauty that this show has to offer.

I cant stress enought how heart touching adventure time can be and how unique the whole "vibe" of the show is.

I think the best way i could describe it is that adventure time is a multi-faceted show that matures as the episodes and seasons goes by. It is a flawed,changing show,and sometimes things are straight up stupid (specialy in the first seasons) but it has the heart and spirit of these amazing stories from children books such as alice in the wonderland, where the wild things are and the little prince, stories that captivates both kids and adults by their originality, the feeling of meeting a new brand universe so unknown, so unexpected and with so much to explore, whose narratives are so full of (not so little) messages that go straight to the public's heart no matter the age.

Its a show setted in an amazing, bizarre universe that comes right from these weird dreams that leaves you with a mixed sensation of "what the fuck was that" and "i wish i could have that dream again". It comes right from a child-like imagination, a world where nothing makes sense in the eyes of adults who looks for links to the real world but where everything makes sense under the terms of that dream-like world itself.

I could talk for hours about why i love adventure time so much and why i think is so special and different to the rest of the media i have consumed, but i will just say that with all that heart touching imagination, mixed with elements of "freak"/"nerd" culture, good characters, and a very comical side, Adventure time is a must watch if you are a fan of animation, or fairy tale like stories such as alice in the wonderland, where the wild things are and the little prince.

So if you havent seen it (and im talking about the whole thing, following the plot season by season and not just a few random episodes) i recommend to do it SO MUCH. Especially if you have always thought about adventure time as that "nonsense gross show about a stupid kid and a stupid dog"

[thisghosts-obsessions-again]

Charles after I gift him a fresh jar of eggplant for his birthday: "You're in my spot."

Meanwhile the Farmer:

[space-mantis]

every time i see someone infantilising sun i double down and make it more unhinged, normalise how canonically sun has a pretty wild temper and will hold grudges for a long time after (even against children, yes)

yeah sun is nice in general but it really doesn't take that much for it to change especially if sun feels it's justified

[aroacehanzawa]

sick and tired of people being judgmental of my natural biological sleeping and waking rhythm that i have minimal control over. like i have had it to my limit i have had ENOUGH

[rollercoasterwords]

and the thing is like i know anyone saying shit about like...lesbians being sexualized in fic is coming at it from the same angle they would critique sexualized portrayals of lesbians in other media but it's like....who do u think is writing and reading the fic babe?? like i understand being wary of the objectification of lesbians but please for the love of god let's not stray into weird sexual puritanism bc that literally only hurts queer people. at the end of the day explicit sexual content is not automatically fetishization or objectification and it isn't disgusting or wrong for queer people to seek out portrayals of queer sexuality!! lesbians are allowed to be horny sometimes SORRY