#before i get called out for this i want to reiterate that i was 18/19 at this time and the guy was literally 35 sooo

[alittledizzy]

this a big ask and feel free to ignore but you seem like the right person to come to.

can you give like a dnf overview for those of us who know almost nothing but are sooo curious (minecraft? face reveal? queer?)(i follow for dnp lol)

Okay so... I'm gonna try and do a bullet point overview and for the purpose of not getting in the weeds I am not going into the controversies. I'll be happy to discuss that part - OFF anon.

Dream and George met on a Minecraft server when Dream was 16, George was 18/19 and became best friends.

When Dream decided to start youtube when he was 18, he asked George (and Sapnap) to come along with him. They both said yes.

In 2019, George started talking about moving to America. At the time Dream lived with his girlfriend, though they broke up by 2020. (George and the girlfriend did not get along. But that's also a whole other can of worms because she fucked Dream up pretty badly with consistent cheating and verbal/physical abuse.)

Plans for George to move to the US got more concrete and at some point over 2021 became him moving into a house with Dream and Sapnap.

Dream also came out multiple times in this general period of time. He came out in a post on reddit, on twitter, and on a stream. He does not explicitly state that he's bisexual, but he does explicitly state he isn't straight.

Sapnap had already moved in with Dream for Dream's protection since he was being swatted pretty regularly. Dream had plans for a face reveal but people were stalking and harassing him both to 'reveal' him and also because at this point the Kiwi Farms targeted attack on him had gained a lot of steam.

Speaking of: George used face cam pretty regularly, but Dream did not face reveal. Based on things he's said it seems pretty clear he was trying to lose weight but at some point set the goal of face revealing once George was in America because he wanted George to see his face before anyone else.

George applied for his Visa and would have had about a 6-9 month wait, and then was denied. He had to apply a second time, and wait another extended period of time, which put it September 2022 when his visa finally was approved. This means they'd known each other for seven years and he'd been trying to move to the US to live with Dream for three years at that point.

George arrived in the US and Dream posted his first video with a face camera on. George posted a vlog meeting Dream irl for the first time, which is a great starting point for a watch.

In terms of the ship stuff: they've always had a heavily flirtatious relationship and Dream is open about how attractive he finds George. They've acknowledging having a conversation about if they'd date or not.

Once in a while Dream will reiterate that they're not dating, and we know he spent 2023 having a variety of hookups but no confirmed relationships. (Which lines up with his long history of women that flirt with him complaining he'll be great to them and make them feel good but always says he doesn't want a relationship.)

2023 was pretty wild for them in terms of nonstop travel, events, and making very little content besides Dream's music. So far in 2024 we've seen a complete 180 of that and Dream and George have noy traveled at all, staying at home in Orlando together. (Sapnap has traveled and spent time in LA, but alone.)

This is partially due to controversy, I'm sure, but also seems to be just in line with a rededicating of themselves to Minecraft and content impending. They're working on a project that hopefully will come out soon.

Right now in terms of what they've publicly told us, they're just in the category of Super Not Normal About Each Other. Here are a few of the Not Normal things that are just fun from a shippy pov:

Before George moved, they were open about living most of their life on a call together. This includes sleep calling and staying on the phone while taking showers.

One of Dream's early videos was gifting his friends money to thank them for supporting him. He gave Sapnap and another friend $500 each. He gave George $5000.

Dream took 'am I in love with my best friend' quizzes on stream twice with George on the call and neither treated it quite like a joke.

Dream sent George an oversized Dream hoodie which George has worn repeatedly and even admitted to spraying with cologne before he'd put it on. Dream took pictures of George in the hoodie (a private call, not one fans were in on) and then later shared them saying they were the cutest pictures of George ever.

The first time we really got to see them interact irl at length was a stream they did around Christmas. Here's a supercut that just really shows the vibe between them.

Initially in late 2022 Dream was wearing a very specific chain. At some point in January 2023, George started wearing that chain (the specific one Dream used to wear) and has not been spotted without it since.

At one of his concerts Dream described George as a friend he just met a year ago that he's so in love with.

The entire song Spotlight which everyone immediately associated with George, to George's embarrassment and pride.

And there's obviously way more... but I feel like this is a good starter kit for Them.

[humbledragon669]

Lockdown Episode Write Up P1 – tableaus

Introduction

So, first things first, just in case you haven’t seen it, or want to see it again, you can watch this little bonus episode here. It takes place between seasons one and two and consists of a series of static “tableaus” with a voiceover of a telephone conversation between Crowley and Aziraphale. In truth, I think its purpose was largely to serve as a public service announcement for people to contribute to the “Stay At Home” campaign that the UK government had enacted as part of its Covid-19 prevention/reduction efforts, though I’m sure it was also a bit of fun to make for the anniversary of the book, and probably gave Michael, David, and some editing crew something to do for about an hour or so. The script never mentions Covid-19 directly, but I think we can assume (given the timeline between the seasons) that the time setting is 2020, May 2020 to be exact.

Despite the fact that it’s less than 4 minutes long (including opening and closing credits), there’s actually quite a lot to say about this sweet little thing (I’m going to call it a minisode from this point on – yes, I know that word has particular connotations for season 2, but we’re not there yet, so minisode it is). I don’t think there’s much linking the dialogue with the images (apart from the cake sequence), so I’ve broken this write-up down into tableaus and dialogue, because there are just as many Easter eggs (maybe more) to be had from the tableaus as there are from the script. Some of the later tableaus are reiterations of earlier images, so I’ve bundled them together where I can for brevity. I have also only commented on the items in the tableaus that can be clearly seen and aren’t out of focus.

This part of the write-up will address just the tableaus, with the dialogue addressed in a separate write-up. As a final bit of uniquity, I’ve placed tableau #12 at the end of the write-up as it’s a wider shot of a lot of the objects we see in other images, so anything left not yet addressed can be done there. Right, housekeeping done, let’s get stuck in shall we?

Tableaus

Tableaus #1and #18

Contents:

A plate of sushi, complete with chopsticks

Multiple piles of books (unfortunately I can’t discern what any of them are).

A drawing of Aziraphale.

What looks like the edge of a map – this will be covered in a later selection of tableaus.

Nothing too cryptic in this compilation of objects – it’s fairly obvious from them and the effects on Crowley’s voice that we (the audience) are in Aziraphale’s bookshop. The sushi and the books are pretty obvious connections to the angel, but I don’t think we’ve known him to be an artist (and a pretty good one at that) before now. The one thing I will say about the use of a plate of sushi in this first tableau is that it makes for a nice parallel to the opening of season 1 – the first time we see Aziraphale in the present day, it’s in a sushi restaurant.

Tableaus #2 and #17

Contents:

A G.K. Chesterton book.

A drawing of Crowley.

A plate of Welsh cakes (links into the cake sequence).

An old map of Oxfordshire – this will be covered in a later selection of tableaus.

A magnifying glass, presumably for looking at the map with.

Alright, now we’re getting into some neat little Easter egg territory. I’m fairly sure there is a reference in the book somewhere to Chesterton being one of Crowley’s favourite authors, but I’m not sure where. It is singled out in the dedication in the front of the book though, so it must be in there somewhere. And then there’s the drawing. It’s very difficult to tell, but in tableau #2 it looks like it might be the other half of the drawing we saw of Aziraphale. Which would mean that drawing is of the two of them together. Drawn by Aziraphale. In a very romanticised way. As much as I really want to believe that, we can see in tableau #17 that this isn’t the case. It’s a nice mental suggestion though.

Tableau #3

Contents:

More books.

A steaming mug (presumably of cocoa).

The objects here are pretty innocuous. The mug is the same one that we see Aziraphale using in season 1 when he sits down to look at Agnes Nutter’s book (and we see it used again in season 2, but we’re not there yet).

Tableaus #4 and #11

Contents:

A bottle of Courvoisier (cognac).

More books.

A glass, presumably containing Courvoisier.

I can’t quite work out what the text on the spine of the uppermost book is – all I can make out is ???WEN ?????YSON – so if anybody has worked this one out I’m all ears (I did Google for all of about two minutes). As far as the Courvoisier is concerned, I have assumed that’s what Aziraphale and Crowley are drinking at the end of episode one, although it comes from a decanter and there’s no bottle in sight (and in fact the Script Book stipulates that they’re drinking whiskey at this point), so an assumption is all it is. I can’t think of any other times that our hero pair drink hard spirits together in season one, but I’m happy to be corrected.

Tableau #5

Contents:

A stack of books, including:

Homer’s Iliad, Vol. II.

Something by G.K. Chesterton published by The Bodley Head, possibly Orthodoxy.

Forbidden Rites: A Necromancer’s Manual of the Fifteenth Century, by Richard Kieckhefer.

Collected Verse, by Hilaire Belloc.

The Club of Queer Trades, by G.K. Chesterton.

A framed picture. The image in the frame is part of this work, described as a woodcutting of witches and devils dancing in a circle from 1720.

Alright, let’s take a look at those books. First up, Homer’s Iliad, specifically Vol. II in this instance. Honestly, I tried to do a bit of research about what this book might contain, but I got bored within reading the first paragraph of the summary, and I have never read the classic poem in its entirety. Don’t get me wrong, I love to read (I mentally inhale books if given the chance), but I have always struggled with classical literature. If anyone can sum up what this volume is about in three sentences (instead of the three long paragraphs I found), I’d very grateful. For now, let’s just say it’s about the Trojan war, specifically the setting of the scene for that coming war. Maybe that’s a subtle reference to the events to come in season 2, but it feels like a stretch.

 There are two Chesterton books in the pile. Given that Chesterton is supposedly Crowley’s favoured author, I find it interesting that Aziraphale has so many of the author’s works lingering around within reach. Has he pulled these out of his collection to gift/lend to Crowley? Or is he reading them purely because he knows that Crowley likes the author? Has he placed them there to make the demon feel at home when he’s at the bookshop? Whatever the reason, there’s perhaps something to be said about the choice of these particular books. The first, Othodoxy, is a companion book to Chesterton’s earlier work, Heretics, which was a collection of essays refuting non-religious beliefs and defending Christianity. Chesterton described Orthodoxy as an account of his personal journey to embracing Christianity and its values, including the concept that biblical paradoxes are actually essential for satisfying the human need for conflict. Bit of a mouthful all of that, isn’t it? Pretty sure it ties it rather nicely to the ideas put forward in both seasons that Heaven and Hell must both exist in order for free will to be effective. I think. I don’t think I’m wording that very well, but you probably get the message. On the other hand, The Club of Queer Trades is a much lighter book of short stories, each one detailing a case taken on by a private detective agency that involves someone who has an unusual occupation. These occupations include a raconteur (someone who tells anecdotes in an amusing way), a vicar, a professor who insists on dancing, and a Lady who refuses to be rescued. Seems like there are quite a few similarities between those descriptions and a certain angel to me…

I find the next book, Forbidden Rites: A Necromancer’s Manual of the Fifteenth Century, to be an interesting one for Aziraphale to have on hand. This is said to be a collection of medieval magic, along with a commentary. It perhaps fits in with Aziraphale’s penchant for books of prophecy, but its contents seem a bit too practical for that.

The final book that I was able to identify in this pile is written by a gentleman I admit I had never heard of before – Hilaire Beloc. I found it difficult to identify what the contents of Collected Verse might be, but the author himself is referred to as one of the Big Four of Edwardian Letters, alongside H.G. Wells, George Bernard Shaw, and… G.K. Chesterton. So perhaps that’s the reason for this book’s inclusion.

Moving on to that picture. Being of Pagan background, that image is one that I have seen many times in my life. The full image shows a circle of four women and four demon-like creatures dancing together, apparently created in 1720. It was doubtless used as propaganda to justify and document the witch hunts that took place during this time in history. This feels like an especially odd object for Aziraphale to have, particularly as it’s framed. He of all people would know that the events depicted in the image were nonsense, and none of the figures in it are recognisable as anyone in particular, so why has he singled it out for such reverence?

I’m sure there’s probably a lot more analysis that could be done on these items and how they tie in to the Good Omens storyline and sub-text, but this was only meant to be a quick write up of a minisode that’s less than 4 minutes long, so if anyone wants to take up the mantle on that one, you’re more than welcome.

 Tableau #6

Contents:

A preserved butterfly in a bell jar, held in place with what looks like a clockwork mechanism.

I don’t think I have much to say about this object except… huh? My initial thought about it is that this thing is ODD. I know people do preserve butterflies in jars, but I’ve never seen one with a cog literally threaded through the wings. I actually spoke to a friend of mine about who’s a qualified etymologist (she studies bugs) and she’d never seen one either. She did manage to tell me that the butterfly in question is called an “autumn leaf” or “leafwing”, which originates in Asia. None of which really helps me understand what this thing is doing here. What is its purpose? Why does Aziraphale have it? IT’S JUST SO WEIRD. Any ideas about this one welcome, because I can’t get my head around it.

Tableau #7

Contents:

A copy of Orthodoxy, open at a page of an essay entitled “The Ethics of Elfland”.

So firstly this would seem to confirm my supposition of the G.K. Chesterton book published by The Bodley Head. I will confess, I haven’t read the whole essay pictured, but you can do so here if you so choose. No, I skipped ahead to the end to see if I can get a feel for what the subject of this particular essay was. In doing so I found the following quotes:

Thus ends, in unavoidable inadequacy, the attempt to utter the unutterable things. …magic must have a meaning… …the proper form of thanks to it is some form of humility and restraint: we should thank God for beer and Burgundy by not drinking too much of them.

The first of those you can just about make out in the tableau, and I’m not surprised that this particular piece of prose has been selected by the editor – the is the very definition of something being “ineffable”, is it not? That which cannot be uttered? The quote about magic seems to me a very obvious link to Aziraphale’s penchant for magic, and that last quote about exercising restraint around good food and drink?

It’s the very antithesis of Aziraphale, so it’s interesting to apply this philosophy to his relationship with God (and Heaven in general).

Tableaus #8, #14, and #15

Contents:

An old map of Oxfordshire.

A magnifying class (presumably for looking at the map).

A plate of cakes (links into the cake sequence).

A newer looking (probably OS) map of Lower Tadfield, annotated with spiralling lines centred on the village.

An open book.

I can’t quite make out what the book is in tableau #15. No matter, the presence of the maps is plenty interesting enough. I think it’s likely that the older map is the one we see in the back room of the book shop:

The newer map is one that I feel like we’ve seen in the show at some point, but I can’t find it. I have a sneaking suspicion that it belonged to Anathema, and that the lines plotted on it are ley lines that have readjusted themselves in light of Adam’s emerging power. If that is the case, I’d quite like to know how and why Aziraphale has Anathema’s map. More importantly, I’d like to know if the presence of these maps in the bookshop is because the angel is still keeping an eye on the ex-Antichrist. Perhaps he’s just looking over his research for nostalgia. Maybe he just hasn’t tidied up properly for a while. Personally, I think there’s probably a reason he still has them – might be something for season 3? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Quick side note: the map explicitly states Lower Tadfield, but Adam’s home is never referred to in this way in the show, only the book.

Tableau #9

Contents:

A piece of paper with Crowley’s full name written on it in cursive script.

A wax seal stamp with what looks like some sealing wax, smouldering.

Now this is a curious one! When I first saw it, I thought it was supposed to be Crowley’s signature, but it’s pretty obvious that this must be Aziraphale’s hand when we compare it with the demon’s request for holy water:

So the next thing I wondered was what Aziraphale was doing “faking” Crowley’s signature. I don’t think that’s right either though, which leaves me with two other possibilities. Firstly, that the paper we see is an envelope, which has been addressed with Crowley’s name. This would fit with the use of the sealing wax, but I can’t explain why Aziraphale would be writing a letter to Crowley, or why he would be sealing in this antiquated way. I know the angel is a little behind the times, but he knows how to pick up the telephone, so I don’t think he’d be writing letters, particularly given he would have to leave the bookshop to post it, and in case you’ve forgotten, this minisode is supposed to be encouraging us to STAY AT HOME. And let’s not forget the addition of the title “Esq.” at the end of Crowley’s name. It’s a pretty outdated term now, and would certainly look out of place if used, even if it was on a letter.

The second possibility is that this is the writing from the drawing of Crowley, providing a description of the subject. This feels more appropriate than the letter explanation, although it does mean that the wax and accompanying stamp become somewhat meaningless. This explanation might also go some way to explaining the title that Aziraphale has given to Crowley, and actually fits quite nicely with the romanticised style applied to the portrait.

Tableau #10

Contents:

An armillary sphere.

I didn’t know what this was, other than something to do with astrology/astronomy, so I had to Google. Turns out they were historically used to predict/calculate and map celestial movements. Taking this into account, this seems like a strange thing for Aziraphale to have, though it would feel right at home in Crowley’s apartment. But. I did a bit more digging, and it turns out that the image of an armillary sphere has been used in classical paintings of saints to represent the presence of Heaven.

Mind. Blown.

Tableau #13

Contents:

Satanism and Witchcraft, by Jules Michelet.

Magic: An Occult Primer, by David Conway.

As with Forbidden Rites, both of these books seem like very strange books for Aziraphale to have at hand. The first of these two books, published in 1862 (!), is widely regarded as being one of the earliest known publications sympathetic to the history of witchcraft, although nowadays it is considered to be largely inaccurate in its facts. The second is a practical guide and introduction to magic rituals. Whilst I can see how Aziraphale’s interest might extend to the former as far as research goes, perhaps into Agnes Nutter’s history, I cannot imagine why he would have need of a guide for how to conduct Pagan rituals. Answers on a postcard.

Cakes

There is a sequence of cake images that falls between tableaus 13 and 14. These tie directly into the dialogue at this point in the minisode, so I’m going to cover them in the part of this write up given over to the dialogue.

Tableau #16

Contents:

A flickering flame.

I don’t think there’s much to say about this particular tableau. I have assumed that this is a candle burning, but it is rather difficult to make out. You’d expect to see the shape of a candle underneath the flame if that was the case, and the burning wick looks distinctly unlike one you would see on a candle, but I have nothing else to draw on for this so “candle” is what I’m going with.

Tableau #12

As a reminder, I’m only looking at the things in this tableau that I haven’t covered elsewhere in this write up.

Contents:

Piles of books, which include:

Several more G.K. Chesterton titles.

A copy of Pilgrim’s Progress.

The Lore of the Land, by Jennifer Beatrice Westwood.

Unfortunately, I can’t make out the titles of the majority of the books in this image. The book on the right of the tableau, The Lore of the Land, is a charming sounding little thing about the legends found in all the different counties of England. Whilst I can’t see an immediate link to the Good Omens storyline, I quite like the idea that Aziraphale and/or Crowley are responsible for the vast majority of the entries in that book! On the other hand, Pilgrim’s Progress has a much clearer connection to the themes and ideas of the show, detailing one man’s life journey through life and his relationship with his faith. What we don’t get any indication of is whether Aziraphale would have this on hand because of his ability to relate to it, or whether it’s simply because it’s considered to be one of the most significant works of theological fiction in all history.

I already covered the creepy mechanical butterfly in a previous tableau, but there is something extra in this image that we can now make out – there’s a plaque on the bottom of the jar. I can’t make all of the writing out, but I think part of it says it’s a science award. Where from and what for I can’t read, and I can’t see what the mechanism is powering or anything in the base of the jar. Still seems like a weird thing for Aziraphale to have if you ask me!

Pre-credits message

What a perfect way to end this little treat. Not just a tip of the hat to the ending of season one, but a message of hope for everyone watching in what was a very dark time in recent history. I’ve no doubt that there was a lot of comfort had from these four minutes of film when it was released, and not just because the fans for this show are deeply invested in its development. This single line seems to convey so much of what couldn’t be said in words (or images), and I’m not about to try here, so I’m going to wrap this part up and move on to the dialogue in the next one. As always, comments, questions, discussion: always welcome 😊

[mybrainproblems]

15x20 "carry on" timing marks

or, as i scribbled at the top of the page "i heard that if you watch 15x20 carry on for a 10th time, it unlocks the secret good supernatural finale * i redid all of the timing mark notes today so these should be more exact than what i had before

i've watched 15x20 nine ten times so you don't have to! (but you should! bc folks should be in the habit of fact checking!)

also bc it rustles my jimmies so bad, i want to reiterate: 15x20 isn't a shorter than average episode! it's 41m48s until the credits and 42m19s in total, which is normal!

timing marks (now with ad break marks!) are below!

00:00 - episode start / then & now 00:43 - start bunker intro montage 03:57 - title card 04:00 - piefest 05:36 - dean gets pied 05:38 - robert singer laughs in the background (evil!) 05:55 - we meet our victims of the week 06:28 - dad gets stabbed from behind by a vamp 06: 59 - mom dies 07:51 - kids get taken 07:58 - our lads meet the police 08:17 - officer tells them the mom's tongue was ripped out 09:19 - the vampmimes! 09:57 - vampmimes gonna attack another family!! 10:25 - ad break (~3min) 10:27 - the lads catch a vampmime 11:12 - oh we're torturing again? (or at least threatening to) 12:31 - salmondean arrive at the barn 14:11 - find kids in the barn 14:21 - vampires look like they're in a police lineup 14:24 - kids escape 14:40 - ad break (~5min + CW promo) 14:55 - vampmime barn fight starts 15:37 - WHO?? 15:46 - jenny super secret boss reveal flashback 16:37 - sam kills her like. immediately. 17:08 - stabby-pokey 18:16 - sam wants to call ambulance, dean says no 18:40 - The Monologue Begins 22:29 - "always keep fighting" LMAO 24:20 - dean finally kicks off 24:44 - ad break (~3min) 24:46 - dean's unlit funeral pyre 25:49 - sam wakes up alone in the bunker 28:36 - picks up dean's other other phone 30:11 - sam turns the lights out on the bunker 30:15 - ad break (~5min + walker promo) 30:24 - dean's burning pyre 30:25 - dean arrives in heaven 30:39 - bobby! 31:58 - "it's the heaven you deserve" 32:18 - "cas helped" 33:51 - start driving montage 37:10 - song cut for old!sam death 37:50 - neoni carry on cover picks up 38:55 - dean arrives on the bridge 39:53 - "hey, sammy" 40:46 - pan out from salmondean on the bridge 41:05 - credits 41:10 - 4th wall break and fckn jump scare 41:48 - "aaaand.... cut!" (again, said by robert singer) 41:50(ish) - ad break (~3min)

many thanks to @chiaroscuroverspn for seeing me post about how i wished i knew where the ad breaks were and checked their DVR recording to look up the timing marks. once i knew roughly where they were it was so easy to see where those ad breaks are bc of the longer cuts to black between shots/scenes. (incidentally, they seem to be right before chapters 4, 5, 7 & 8 on the DVD)

* please note that i didn't add the runtime of the ad breaks to the timing marks since 99% of ppl will be watching it without ads and i didn't have the exact time for how long each ad break ran so i didn't want to throw things off

[thisaccountcannotexist]

a memior

When you are almost 23, it’s hard to explain to your boyfriend of 2 years that sometimes you shake because when you were 15, a senior held you down in his backseat and forced himself on you. That the reason you always reiterate how safe he made you feel is because you never felt that way before. The, so called, man you dated before him would put your life on the line for $100 for weed at least once a week.

Rewind. 

It started at 14. I thought I knew love. I thought love was the way he chose me to be his first time. I thought it was a teddy bear and chocolates on Valentine’s Day after being belittled for weeks on end. But things would get better, and apologies temporarily healed emotional wounds.

I really thought I knew love. But love isn’t forcing your best friend to blow him and then posting about it on Twitter. 

Next.

When a senior tells you you’re pretty when you’re a 15-year-old sophomore, you’ll do anything to believe its love. 

But that love isn’t love. Love isn’t getting you so drunk you blackout and throw up out a window and then recording as his best friend takes advantage of you. 

And then, when you finally break free, he invites you over to just talk before he leaves for college and say bye (as friends), you go along with it. Because you don’t want him to spread lies about you again if you don’t comply. And when that 19-year-old picks you up at 16 and forces himself on you until you only stop crying because your body is too pre-occupied with convulsing, that sure as hell is not love. 

But what’s worst. What’s worst is when you come home, stomach, neck, wrists, thighs and ankles bruised to no one. To absent parents. To a dad who is too busy having an affair with someone not far off from your own age. To a mom who is trying her best to pick up the pieces of a broken family while breaking glass ceilings. 

So, you say talk to a friend. But what friends are left when they all believe the rumors from the man who just dehumanized you in his car in a church parking lot. What friends are there when you were kept away from them for so long by the same man that they want nothing to do with you anymore because you’ve been MIA. 

So, you’re alone.  

You’re alone so you turn to doing the only thing that feels right. Being used. You market yourself not as damaged goods, but as not caring at all. Do what you want with me. Use me. Nothing will hurt as much as that night in the church parking lot. I thought God was supposed to protect you at church.

Being used gets you back out there. You’re invited to parties by another guy who thinks you’ll blow him in the bathroom that night. And if you drink enough or smoke a blunt, who knows maybe you will. If it keeps you around. If it makes you feel something. Why not?

But here’s the thing

This is all before the end of my sophomore year of high school. 

There was this one guy. I shouldn’t say was. He still exists, but I’m probably a distant memory now. He made me feel heard. He listened. I’d sneak into his bedroom at night. Not have sex. To talk. I’m not sure he ever really understood what my life had been like in the past 2 years, but he knew I needed someone. I liked him a lot. We’d text ‘til 3am, and he’d make sure I was okay when I seemed off in school. 

I thought things would be different with him. 

‘til the day he told me he was dating someone. Someone that wasn’t me. I remember asking him if what was between us was all in my head. 

His friends told him I was too big of a whore to be seen with. 

So, I disappeared. 

I don’t think many people could tell you what I was up to during my junior & senior years of high school. It wasn’t much of anything. I had a few friends, only 2 who still acknowledge my existence 4 years later. We’d smoke weed in a car, and drink wine in a basement. I truly don’t know that any of them understood that I was not okay. They thought I was the chill, carefree girl. I was a shell of an 18-year-old. 

On a different note.

My cheating father came clean about the same time after his mistress asked me for money or threatened to tell my mom about the affair. My mom already knew. 

That same day I ran away for the first time. I got in a car accident.

Less than 6 months later we found out my dad was sick. They told us we’d be lucky if he weren’t in a wheelchair in the next 10 years. I have 4 years left until we find out if they were right or not. 

My senior year.

I met a boy from another town. It was a breath of fresh air. Truthfully, he was just as broken as me. Things were never steady, but he was around for a while. A distraction at the least. 

I escaped.

Moving to college where I knew less than 5 names was everything I needed. 

Freshman year I was roofied and woke up in a house naked with my clothes & phone missing. I found my phone and called an uber home wearing nothing but random clothing of his that I found in the living room. I told no one. I came home at 6 am before my roommates knew anything. That day I showered 3 times. I threw up all week. The bruises reminded me of the church parking lot. 

I met someone. 

Another breath of fresh air, of hope. He was my freshman year formal date. Things were looking up. Until someone in my sorority brought the guy who roofied me to formal and I threw up so hard in the bathroom that I broke blood vessels. My date still fucked me that night and for hours after I cried in the twin-sized bed beside him while he slept. 

Nothing ever came of us. He’d Snapchat me sometimes and invite me to frat parties, nothing special. 

The most special thing about us was the nights I’d spend climbing in his bedroom window and smoking weed at 2 am once a week for the majority of my sophomore year of college. 

Attention felt good. 

Of course, when I felt the most stable I had in months, my sophomore year, the pandemic hit. 

Circles had to be kept small, so who better to spend time with than your drug dealer. He was a local. No big shot. It was entertainment when the world around us sucked everything out of us. 

There are a lot of memories of that time that I choose to forget. 

Lots of first times at 20 for someone who was a “whore” at 16.

The first time he slapped me for not listening. 

The first time he forced himself into me while I was asleep.

The first time he took me on a drug deal and locked me in a car with a man with a gun.

The first time he choked me so hard I blacked out. 

I tried to leave him multiple times, but the threats kept me coming back. Looking back, I barely remember what they were. But at the time, I was so scared I’d do anything to keep him happy.

Of course, my parents noticed none of this. Or if they did it wasn’t concerning enough to say anything. To protect their own daughter. 

I spent most of 2020 drunk or high. Was about the only two things I enjoyed feeling. Make that 3 feelings. Drunk, high, or numb. 

Junior year of college.

It started drunk, high or numb. That August was when I became bulimic. If I was going to be a mess, I might as well be skinny. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months. I was a shell of a human. Somedays I still am (just a fat shell now). 

I spent my nights climbing in the same window and kissing strangers in bars. Who would have thought that a stranger in a bar would be the one to save me. 

He saved me.

That first night I went home with him, I expected to be used & discarded. But that was far from the case. He cared, he was gentle. Over 2 years later & here I am writing this because I don’t know how to explain the past to him. 

The first time I said I love you to him I broke down & cried so hard. Did the alcohol in my system have something to do with it. Yes. But what it really was was that every other person I had ever loved had hurt me. Most people it takes months to fall in love. This was a month in. Did I just hand over so much control to this man who could hurt me in a second. 

I sat and cried in the dirt outside a party & refused to get up after I said “I love you”. He was so confused. I expected to be left there. Instead, he helped me up, and took me back to his place. I shook so hard on his couch with no tears left to cry while he heated up a warm shower and grabbed me anything I may need. He didn’t know anything about what was going on that night, but what he did know was that I wasn’t okay. He held me all night long. 

Since then, he’s been nothing but a supportive best friend. I love him so much for that. 

What really sucks 

The nights when one little thing triggers a memory, a name pops up, or I think too long and a part of my life I tried so hard to forget comes back.

How do you explain to the one you love & who saved you that the reason you’re shaking is because you know that you made the tiniest mistake earlier and as much as you love and trust him you think about how easily in the past someone you thought you loved would change in a heartbeat and hurt you. 

Maybe giving this to him to read would help. Maybe it would hurt. Keeping secrets is never good. But truthfully, I wrote this for myself. Because as much as I know this only a fraction of the story, I’ve never said all of this out loud. I haven’t quite said it yet but writing it is a step in the right direction. 

[clarklovescarole]

August 1939: Burglary and Appendicitis

August 1, 1939 – The Daily Argus

Clark Gable Nabs a Burglar; Wife Lombard Has a Good Laugh

Clark Gable and Carole Lombard, whose uproarious courtship was a matter of note, still enjoy a good laugh. 

They had it when the screen’s no. 1 male star turned he-man at home yesterday to overpower and disarm an eighteen-year-old Polish youth he found hiding in the closet of his dressing room.

“The madame thought it was quite funny, and she laughed when I called her at the studio,” Gale said. “She has a swell sense of humor, at all times.” 

The No. 1 he-man of the films thought it was funny, too, but he said he regretted that he had to turn Willard J. Broski over to the police. The officers said the youth probably would be given a psychiatric examination before any charges were filed. 

Gable had just finished a shower bath and was about to get into his clothes when he saw the door of his dressing room closet move and the tip of a man’s shoe protrude.

“Come out of there,” Gable yelled, advancing on the door. Broski came out and Gable leaped on him. A revolver, taken from the gun room of the Gables’ Van Nuys home, fell to the floor in the scuffle.

Broski got a good working over, but he was unhurt after Gable dragged him downstairs and held him until officers arrived. The actor said the youth told him he wanted money and hoped Gable would give him $15 or $20.

Carole had gone to her studio for scenes and missed all the action.

Broski said he was an unemployed cook’s helper and that he had “always wanted to see Gable but couldn’t meet him.”

August 4, 1939 – Los Angeles Times

Clark Gable Testifies Against Youth Captured in His Home

Clark Gable, screen actor, played to one of the smallest audiences in his career yesterday.

It was in the tiny Van Nuys courtroom when he was called before Municipal Judge William Frederickson at 10 a.m. as a witness against Willard J. Broski, 18, captured as a burglary suspect in his North Hollywood ranch home. 

The courtroom has seats to accommodate about 60 persons. Thirty of them were occupied when Broski’s preliminary hearing on a burglary charge was called. 

Gable, dressed in a gray sports coat, light gray slacks and open-front polo shirt, sat among the spectators awaiting his turn on the witness stand. He wore a mustache. He wasn’t annoyed by autograph hounds. He was pleasant but appeared not to like the role he was playing against the youth. 

From the witness stand, Gable calmly reiterated how he stepped from a shower in the master bedroom suite of his home last Monday to see a figure disappear behind a closet door.

“I yelled for the intruder to come out,” Gable testified. “As the door opened I grappled with the stranger. I noticed that he had one of my antique guns sticking from his belt.

“To protect myself, I grabbed him, threw him to the floor and disarmed him. That’s about all there was to it. I held him until the officers arrived.”

Detective Lieutenant Chester Welch, who, with Detective Lieutenant Paul Harrison, arrested Broski, Fannie Jacobson, a cook for Gable and his wife, Carole Lombard, and William Milner, the butler, were other witnesses. 

Judge Frederickson bound Broski over on a burglary charge to the Superior Court, where he will be arraigned in Division 41 on Aug. 19. 

August 5, 1939 – The Miami Herald

Carole Lombard Has Appendectomy 

Associated Press

“She’s okay,” said Clark Gable to friends who telephoned Friday at a hospital to ask about his wife, Carole Lombard. 

Miss Lombard, ill for two days and unable to work, was taken to the hospital late Thursday night for an emergency appendectomy. Gable sat up with her all night.

August 5, 1939 – The Plain Speaker

Carole Lombard, playing the role of a nurse in her new picture “Vigil In the Night,” is getting some firsthand, if painful, pointers in a hospital.

She was a patient, and convalescing well, at Good Samaritan Hospital today after an appendectomy made necessary by a sudden attack at her studio (RKO) Thursday afternoon.

Husband Clark Gable spent a restless night in her room after the operation but told friends today that she appeared to be out of danger. 

Miss Lombard complained to Director George Stevens Thursday that she was experiencing shooting pains in her right side. She went home and Gable rushed her to the hospital. The operation was performed less than an hour after her arrival. 

Her picture will be delayed two weeks by the operation.

August 6, 1939 – The Eugene Guard

Carole Lombard Ill; Can’t Study Role 

United Press

Carole Lombard, blonde movie actress wife of Clark Gable, was too ill from the effects of an emergency appendectomy today to study the nursing technique necessary to her role in a forthcoming picture.

She arrived at Good Samaritan hospital Thursday night in the real life role of a patient, doubled up with acute appendicitis pains. The operation was performed immediately while Gable paced the corridor outside the operating room.

Miss Lombard was to have begun a study today under auspices of the Good Samaritan nursing school staff to prepare herself for her portrayal of a nurse in the picture, “Vigil in the Night.” 

Gable appeared this morning, seated in her flower-banked room at the hospital, as the personification of the picture title; he was bleary-eyed, unshaven, and weary after his 48-hour vigil. 

Dr. Norman Williams, the operating surgeon, said Miss Lombard was showing a rapid recovery but would be too ill for the next 24 hours to study the technique of the young nurse flitting, not too calmly, around the handsome Gable’s chair. 

August 9, 1939 – Monticello Herald Journal

Don’t know if Carole Lombard and Clark Gable have hired the watchman yet, but they have bought a pair of bloodhounds trained for police work. You can hear them bay for about six miles, Carole says. Well, maybe not quite that far.

August 9, 1939 – Holyoke Daily Transcript

One of the funnier sidelights of Gable’s capture of the youthful gunman was overlooked. The intruder spent most of the night in Carole Lombard’s car in the garage. Less than 10 feet away peacefully slept Gable’s bulldog, Toughie. He never let out a single yelp of warning. 

Probably result of the little melodrama will be the hiring of a watchman at the star’s menage. Carole and Clark hated to have one around, but they are afraid that the ease with which the visitor roamed their house may put ideas into other heads.

August 20, 1939 – Atlantic City Press

Clark Gable and Carole Lombard romping around among the cows and chickens looks as happy as a couple of kids. Glanced over some 20 photographs of them the other day “down on the farm,” doing everything except milking the cow.

The expressions on their faces is a long way from the hectic squinting of eyes and corrugating of brows which have become the accustomed thing among actors, producers, directors, and who-not who bet on the horses practically every day. Hundreds of thousands of dollars change hands at the Hollywood track during the summer and at Santa Anita in the winter months, to say nothing of what goes on in little cubbyholes here and there where bookies hang out. Several producers have private wires in their offices, which would seem to be the height of something or other. Maybe it’s the reason for the “low high” in picture production the past few weeks.

August 20, 1939 – Detroit Free Press

Carole Lombard and Clark Gable have the right idea. They were observed having a picnic luncheon put up for them the other day at the Brown Derby in Hollywood. They were off to the Santa Susannah Mountains for a picnic instead of a trip to Europe which they had planned originally. They have decided to see America first and wait for the European war clouds to roll by.

August 25, 1939 – San Pedro News

Happiest man in town these days is Clark Gable, who after seven years of fruitless angling finally landed his first marlin swordfish – it weighed just under 200 pounds and battled more than two hours before coming to gaff…

August 29, 1939 – Daily Clintonian 

Now that Carole Lombard is on the mend, Clark Gable has gone to San Diego to try for marlin swordfish. He stayed in the adjoining room the whole time Carole was in the hospital…

[beaversatemygrandma]

I was randomly thinking about how my name rubs me the wrong way, always has, always will. Like yes, i love how it's unique (met like two people who shared it with me at most but now that the namesake's dead.... well there's more), and I've always gotten complimented on it and how its pronounced and whatever. But holy hell, could it be any more ragingly feminine.

I also remembered this weird conversation i had with this coworker (straight dude who was like 35 and always flirting with me, tbh i usually play along because it made him Very Helpful). Anyhoo, him and somebody else were talking about 90s music artists. He was like "Ya know who was a really good singer? Aaliyah." The other coworker just agreed. Then i noticed him giving me this Look as i held this dumbfounded face trying to figure out why the fuck this had to do with me. It took me like a solid thirty seconds to just say "Ohh yeah, she was pretty good." and just walk the fuck away. Just another small thing that made me internally start screeching about how i hate having this name. Also how else was i supposed to react to that and the damn Look??

Thinking more and more about possible name changes, but i can't even name things, let alone myself. (Have yall seen my flight rising lair??? Half of the dragons are unnamed rn.) Like the only other thing I've gone by was Taksony and that's online on a few sites and sometimes here. It's a medieval hungarian name (i should look up that monarch who had the name and make sure he wasn't problematic. He was a monarch so that might be hard) and i doubt the world is ready for me to bring it back. Plus the short form is Taks and that just sounds like tax. So. Yeah. Taxes. And a name from an OC from the ancient dA days. I just stole his name once i got comfy being called that on FR and lioden and whatever. But yeah. Super feminine name from an old hip hop artist isn't exactly what I'm liking tbh. I've never liked it much and now I'm aware of why i don't so here we are. I'm an adult who's very likely not cis, and renaming yourself is possible. So yeah. Here we are.

[yardsards]

psa for ppl in the toh fandom: you might want to block @princess-strawberry-sunshine

they spam the character tags with a bunch of adult/child and sibling/sibling "ships" with no way of blacklisting it. so if you're bothered by that stuff, the only way to avoid it is to block this user directly

they keep on remaking their blog so it's only a matter of time til you gotta block them again tho :/

also, TWICE they've ignored my requests to at least tag their stuff so people can blacklist it so they don't expose more unwilling people to it, so i'm 90% sure they're doing this maliciously

update: AYYY THE BLOG IS DELETED (only a matter of time before they remake and we gotta start this whole process all over again tho :/)

update 2: they are now @princess-squidward. block them there now. will keep you all updated if they remake AGAIN.

update 3: they deleted again. will keep you all updated when i find out their new url so you can block em before having to be exposed to their shit

update 4: it's @princess-wordgirl now.

update 5: before blocking her this time, i wasted my time contacting her, politely explaining why tagging ships wasn't good enough, in the hopes that maybe she truly WAS just naive. she ignored it and blocked me. so that is solid confirmation that any harm she does is ABSOLUTELY on purpose. so don't even bother wasting your breath on her.

update 6: she deleted again. will update when i know her new url

update 7: it's now @princesspinkcupcake (no dashes in between! princess-pink-cupcake is a completely unrelated person.) remember: don't waste your time otherwise engaging with her, just block her and go.

update 8: her url is now @the-starstruckprincess

update 9: it's now @princessred-star

update 10: deleted again

update 11: @the-princesswarrior-world now

update 12, since someone was being huffy in my inbox: i reiterate, DO NOT harass her. even if you *do* think it's morally justified (which. ehhh. not gonna get into that.), it's not gonna do jackshit. clearly, no amount of talking to her (whether peacefully or harassingly) has changed her behaviour, so continuing to do so is pointless. you'll just waste your time and make yourself more upset.

hell, if my hunch is right, there's a small chance she might even ENJOY getting angry anons (whether she likes it due to the same weird compulsion that makes her wanna forcibly expose people to this shit, or because she wants to play the victim). either way, follow the old internet adage and Do Not Feed The Trolls. just block her and leave.

update 13: url is @princess-pinksuperstar now

update 14: she's started remaking after months of peace and quiet. url is @the-donut-alien now. remember, block and do not engage.

update 15: is now @princesstoxicbutterfly also she is no longer even tagging "ship names" so there's EVEN MORE no way to avoid seeing her shit other than to preemptively block her. wahoo.

update 16: @the-princess-phoenix now

update 17: @princesspinkunicorn now

update 18: @princess-yurio-donut

update 19: got a message saying it was @wallykittykat and she had been causing a stink in the toh tags after getting called out, but she either deleted or changed urls before i could verify

update 20: she's @princess-bluebird now

update 21: @princessyuriobubblegum now

god.

update 22: after months of blissful radio silence, she's come back. she's @princessyuriomoon now

update 23: @princess-purpleangel now

update 24: @therebeldinosaur now

update 25: @princessyurio now

[evidence-based-activism]

Okay! So, I decided to go ahead and go through the sources linked by @aliciabenissa on this post. Mostly because I really hate when people try and debate the literal definitions of words with me. @radkindoffeminist I thought you may also be interested in this since you commented on this post. Before beginning, I want to reiterate again that non-academic sources are still useful rhetorical devices. Essays, speeches, anecdotal evidence, and other sources have a role to play in both academic and non-academic discourse. It is disingenuous however to pass off an non-academic source as academic (and it is also a rising problem within many academic fields). First source (McKee, 2007a) used a self-selection survey sample of about 1000 people, 82% of whom were male. I had to go to a separate article (McKee, 2007b) to get that statistic. Additionally, the response rate to this survey was only 7.3% (very low). Further, this article is concerned exclusively with the effects of pornography on porn consumers, entirely neglecting the industry itself. The ultimate conclusion of this study is that people who consume pornography tend to think it benefits them positively. This is unsurprising, considering we tend to avoid ego-dystonic behaviors. In fact, previous experiments have shown that we tend to adapt or world-views to fit our behaviors, so as to avoid cognitive dissonance. Nonetheless, this source was an academic source. The second source (Orlowski, 2012) is not an academic source. It was published in the “Modern American” a student run, non-peer reviewed publication at the American University Washington College of Law. This is not a study, meta-analysis, or or review article, and is best characterized as a position paper. I don’t want to get too far into the content of the paper, but suffice to say, the paper argues that non-obscene pornography is protected under the first amendment. Curiously, the author posits that the current definition of obscenity is a reliable measure for deciding what pornography should be allowed, despite the definition of obscenity being notoriously unreliable and obscure. The third source (Friedersdorf, 2016) is also not an academic source. It is essentially an opinion essay published in The Atlantic. The main argument used is based on population studies, a methodology challenged in this study (Kingston & Malamuth, 2011), which you will note, is an actual peer reviewed academic article. The fourth source (Diamond, 2009) is academic! It’s also challenged by the same paper mentioned above (Kingston & Malamuth, 2011). The other main finding of this work is that people only want porn to be restricted from children, and think it’s fine to have available. Again, I don’t find the fact that porn consumers believe porn is fine to be surprising (see the discussion of the first source above). This article is also entirely focused on consumers. The fifth source (Pornography, n.d.) is a Psychology Today article that references the fourth source. Along with a study similar to the first source (McKee, 2007a). The same criticisms clearly apply. Nevertheless, the authors of that particular study (Hald & Malamuth, 2008) actually take the time to point out these problems with such a study design, and explain how the survey results actually support the arguments about desensitization, which is common component of anti-porn arguments. Source six (5 Reasons Watching Porn Together Can Be Good for Your Marriage, 2013) is a HuffPost article. It is not academic. The ideas presented are inane at best, and offensive at worst. Source seven (Moyer, n.d.) is also not an academic article. It is published in Scientific American which is a popular science magazine. The studies and arguments used in this article have already been debunked above. Source eight (Park, 2010) references source four (Diamond, 2009). It’s also not an academic source, as it is published in Time which is a magazine. The article also take an anti-pornography stance, describing the results as “provocative” ultimately unreliable and problematic. Source nine (McCormack & Wignall, 2017) is an academic source with a small sample size (n=35) of all men. It again is entirely concerned with the consumers of pornography, and relies on self-report of positive/negative effects. I explained how this is a flawed methodology in my discussion of source one (McKee, 2007a). I cannot verify if source ten (Wasserman, 1996) is an academic source or not. Based on what I’m able to access it looks like a position paper. Source eleven (Why Criminalizing Rape Porn Is a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Idea, 2014) is non academic. It is an opinion article in an “Internet Newspaper” called The Daily Dot. It’s entirely an appeal to emotion and references several of the above debunked arguments. Source twelve (Prause & Pfaus, 2015) is academic. It’s also about whether or not men who view porn experience erectile dysfunction, which, frankly, isn’t one of my main concerns about the sex industry. Since I know this is the only reason why some men will stop watching porn however: the study’s findings are strongly rebuked in a subsequent comment (Isenberg, 2015) that lays out several methodological and analytical problems found in the report. The final source (The 8 Best Sites to Watch Ethical, Fair Trade Porn, 2017) is not academic. It’s another opinion article with no sources (but plenty of links to porn sites) on The Daily Dot (the same as source eleven). It barely presents an argument at all, so I’ll just link you to my posts on how porn cannot be legal because it doesn’t comply to OSHA and a short opinion post on the violence inherent to porn. So, in summary: 8 out of 13 sources are non-academic, 4 out of 13 sources are academic (2 of which are directly challenged and all four of which have significant methodological issues), and 1 source is unknown. Of the twelve sources I verified, they were all entirely concerned with pornography consumers; neglecting “sex workers” altogether. (Hopefully, I don’t need to spell out why that’s a problem.) And @aliciabenissa I genuinely hope you aren’t sending sources like this to your supervisors and calling them academic. I strongly suggest using databases from your library or institution (such as ulrichsweb) to verify the legitimacy of sources.

A reminder for everyone that I have several essay posts discussing literature on the sex industry in my “sex industry” tag. This post may be a nice place to start for literature on how porn affects the consumer and I challenge other pro-porn articles in this post. Also take a look at this post for a nice summary article on the nordic model.

[Citation list under the cut]

5 reasons watching porn together can be good for your marriage. (2013, March 7). HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-reasons-why-watching-po_b_2766968

Diamond, M. (2009). Pornography, public acceptance and sex related crime: A review. International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, 32(5), 304–314. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijlp.2009.06.004

Friedersdorf, C. (2016, April 7). Is porn culture to be feared? The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/04/porn-culture/477099/

Hald, G. M., & Malamuth, N. M. (2008). Self-perceived effects of pornography consumption. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 37(4), 614–625. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9212-1

Isenberg, R. A. (2015). Viewing sexual stimuli associated with greater sexual responsiveness, not erectile dysfunction: A comment. Sexual Medicine, 3(3), 219–221. https://doi.org/10.1002/sm2.71

Kingston, D. A., & Malamuth, N. M. (2011). Problems with aggregate data and the importance of individual differences in the study of pornography and sexual aggression: Comment on diamond, jozifkova, and weiss(2010). Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(5), 1045–1048. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-011-9743-3

McCormack, M., & Wignall, L. (2017). Enjoyment, exploration and education: Understanding the consumption of pornography among young men with non-exclusive sexual orientations. Sociology, 51(5), 975–991. https://doi.org/10.1177/0038038516629909

McKee, A. (2007a). Positive and negative effects of pornography as attributed by consumers. Australian Journal of Communication , 34(1), 87–104.

McKee, A. (2007b). The relationship between attitudes towards women, consumption of pornography, and other demographic variables in a survey of 1,023 consumers of pornography. International Journal of Sexual Health, 19(1), 31–45. https://doi.org/10.1300/J514v19n01_05

Moyer, M. W. (n.d.). The sunny side of smut. Scientific American. https://doi.org/10.1038/scientificamericanmind0711-14

Orlowski, J. (2012). Beyond Gratification:The Benefits of Pornography and the Demedicalization of Female Sexuality. The Modern American, 8(2), 53–71.

Park, A. (2010, December 2). Study: Making pornography more accessible may curb child abuse. Time. https://healthland.time.com/2010/12/02/study-making-pornography-more-accessible-may-curb-child-abuse/

Pornography: Beneficial or detrimental? | psychology today. (n.d.). Retrieved July 19, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/homo-consumericus/201001/pornography-beneficial-or-detrimental

Prause, N., & Pfaus, J. (2015). Viewing sexual stimuli associated with greater sexual responsiveness, not erectile dysfunction. Sexual Medicine, 3(2), 90–98. https://doi.org/10.1002/sm2.58

The 8 best sites to watch ethical, fair trade porn. (2017, December 16). The Daily Dot. https://www.dailydot.com/nsfw/guides/porn-ethical-premium/

Wasserman, M. (1996). Positive, powerful pornography. Agenda, 28, 58. https://doi.org/10.2307/4065758

Why criminalizing rape porn is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea. (2014, June 18). The Daily Dot. https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/criminalizing-rape-porn-terrible-idea/

[stomp-that-ho-regard]

Retcon

noun

(in a film, television series, or other fictional work) a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events, typically used to facilitate a dramatic plot shift or account for an inconsistency.

verb

revise (an aspect of a fictional work) retrospectively, typically by introducing a piece of new information that imposes a different interpretation on previously described events.

Retroactive Continuity

Reframing past events to serve a current plot need. [...] In its most basic form, this is any plot point that was not intended from the beginning. [...]

Post-hiatus C2, and the Great Retcon... 

(The retconning really started with the playlists, but we’ll come back to those.)

First, some context:

SDCC (July ‘18) - Marisha was asked directly about Beau and Yasha and if she and Ashley had discussed it. “After the first few times that I kinda put the moves on her, we were at break, and I could sense that Ashley was wanting to ask me something. And she was like, ‘Hey, I’m just curious... is Beau- ’ And at that exact moment someone’s like, ‘Yo Ashley! We gotta go! We gotta get on stage!’ And I was like, ‘Bye!’” Then Brian asked, “And you haven’t had a further conversation about it?” Marisha said, “Nope!”

(Seven months into the campaign, and no discussions. Hmm.)

NYCC (Oct. ‘18) - Marisha was asked about who would Beau get flustered over if they ever flirted back, and yes, she said Yasha and laughed, but then said, “It’s like throwing pebbles at a brick wall.” Meaning, she was putting stuff out there and not getting anything back. (And, she really wasn’t. I still remember when a major portion of the fandom, including the diehard shippers [of which I was one at the time], weren’t sure if Ashley was even interested in this. More than that, it wasn’t until the Zuala reveal, that the fandom and the players found out for certain that Yasha was actually into women.) 

(To me, Marisha’s answer here also suggests that at this point, there were still no discussions.)

Talks Machina for ep61 (May ‘19) - Marisha was asked ‘What was going through Beau's mind when Yasha revealed her past with Zuala? Has this changed any feelings Beau might have? Or has Beau's character growth allowed her to mature a little more with regards to her feelings about Yasha?’ Which Marisha instantly pegged as a shipping question. And she said, “I’m trying to figure out a way to answer this to not ruin everyone’s internal canon, in their brains. I don’t want people to overestimate Beau’s intentions towards Yasha. But then also, is that on me? Have I been leading everybody on?”

So, you had all of that, all the way up to ep61.

None of this indicates that ‘it’s been happening since ep1′ or that it’s ‘the slowest of slow burns.’ In fact, it shuts that down completely.

Moving forward to the Beau and Fjord convo (ep108)...

Marisha suddenly having Beau say “There was something about Yasha from the moment that I saw her”. She’s retrospectively attempting to give that moment more weight, when (based on the examples above) we know that the over-the-top flirting was just for fun. And truthfully, she really wasn’t flirting with Yasha any differently than she was flirting with any hot female NPC the party crossed paths with.

And now it’s clear that that one line she said is the reason why BY shippers have suddenly clung on to the idea that “It’s been happening since episode one! SLOooOowBuUuuUrn!!!!!” when its clear that it was not planned. (Not before the hiatus-from-hell, anyway.)

Then Marisha having Beau go from describing Jester as “She's fun. She makes me laugh. I like her ridiculous plans. I think she's complicated and layered.” to “It’s easy to lust after her”. I’ll direct you to Talks for ep85. After Marisha had mentioned that it was a bunch of little things that build, and then pinpointed a few of them, Brian tried to make a joke and said “So you’re saying it’s been more a series, than just one moment that you can point to and say ‘It was right here when I went, let’s fuck!’” Marisha specifically countered that with “It’s not even about 'let’s fuck’. It’s nothing sexual in this case.” (Having her backpedal on this so heavily was such a huge gut punch and was the thing that wholly soured everything for me.)

There were so many better, more delicate ways Marisha could’ve had Beau examine/come to grips with her feelings for both women, but all the reduction and saying they were ‘transferable’ was nothing short of insulting.

On that same Talks episode, Marisha also said this: “Going into this campaign all of us were like, ‘No relationships!’ I didn’t want it! I didn’t ask for this!”, while smiling. What this shows me is that she was thinking of a relationship in regards to Beau’s feelings for Jester. As if she was maybe even anticipating this culminating into something? Why even mention relationships at all if this was nothing serious and was always meant to fall by the wayside?

Brian then followed up with, “In my opinion, as a viewer, Beau’s someone who seems to be on the search for innocence. Whether innocence lost or just innocence in general. And to me it makes sense that you would be attracted to someone who exudes genuine and sort of intrinsic innocence.” Marisha replied with “Fairly astute.”

The next question was, ‘Beau has taken a pretty casual, no-strings-attached approach toward sex and relationships so far. How do her feelings for Jester compare to her previous romantic flings?’ Marisha answered immediately and very seriously with, “Noncomparable. It’s more than that.” She wasn’t playing coy and it didn’t take her a century to find the words. She didn’t even have to think about it. Succinct and direct.

How did all of that ‘organically’ disappear completely, after only 14 episodes?

(Everything felt more genuine back then, because it seemed like Marisha was going where the character was taking her, and not where she thought the character should be going.)

Post-hiatus, everyone and their mother are acting like BY is some epic romance-of-the-ages that was all mapped out, and like Beau having feelings for Jester was just some sort of temporary curveball. That Beau was confused, or was just missing Yasha and projected onto Jester. 

That’s really fucked up no matter how you try to justify it. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen another piece of media backpedal this hard, and this callously.

None of that squares with what we were shown or with what we were told. Until, everybody made a hard pivot and now they've done (and continue to) do everything they can to rewrite campaign history, even though we have plenty of footage that contradicts the new ‘company line’.

Now, where the retconning truly began, with the playlists...

Remember the first round of playlists? Those were released randomly, whenever the cast felt like posting them. I also don’t remember there being announcements every time one came out either.

This time though, they had a fixed schedule, complete with official twitter announcements. As they started to just get back into the swing of things, Yasha’s playlist was released right after the first episode back.

So, right out of the gate, they had to make sure they started to drill home a certain mindset for viewers. That’s why Yasha had a song called ‘Let Me Hold You’. (Lo and behold, a few episodes in, Beau randomly asks Yasha to hold her.)  A few weeks later, Beau’s playlist was released, and there was a song with the caption saying ‘Ultimately, all she really wants is someone to hold, and someone to hold her’. (But sure, no planning here! The wording is just a total coincidence, folks!)  

The other song, directly about Yasha, mentions ‘a crush forged in battle’ (ok), and ‘awkward flirtations’ (???). Yasha never openly flirted with Beau before the hiatus, until maybe right after the Obann arc, in a very vague way.

On Beau’s playlist, there’s nothing about Jester. The one track that mentions her is actually about Artagan. Which, after all they’ve been through together, is fucking ridiculous no matter how you slice it.

In addition to that, Marisha had made Beau’s time in Kamordah (ep92/e93), and the incidents with her family and the Hag, about the group now, not about Jester, fully contradicting her own reiterated words that ‘Jester saved Beau’.

When Beau was talking to her dad, reverting back to her old self and getting all riled up, Jester helped her in that moment, and saved her. Yes, the group was very supportive, and yes, Yasha said something to him before they left the house (that Beau was out of earshot for by the way), but Jester was Beau’s rock throughout that whole thing. 

With the Hag, when the group was having a hard time coming up with a solution, and they realized they might actually lose Beau, Jester stepped up and took control of the situation. She, single-handedly, saved Beau/the group from the Hag. And with that, Jester also became Beau’s hero.

In both instances, Marisha thanked Laura/Jester. First on Talks for ep92 with both of them on it. She reiterated, “You saved me. You saved Beau.” Then on Twitter after ep93 with, “Still processing last night. Saved by a cupcake? Eh - saved by @LauraBaileyVO ... again.” 

But now suddenly, it’s the group. Just the group? 

Now, don’t get me wrong. The entire party showing Beau support was incredibly important. The M9 showed her that they value her, that she’s important to them. It solidified the theme of ‘found family’, which was beautiful. But, to not also highlight how crucial Jester was in all of this, after making such a big deal about it? 

That is very deliberate retconning of some hugely important, highly emotional moments for Beau that directly involved Jester.

Any of Beau’s organic and genuine connection with Jester (which encompasses their deep friendship as well as Beau’s romantic feelings) has been massively reduced (and now erased), specifically to prop up a supposed ‘deep’ connection with someone else that was barely ever there, is still barely there, and has no actual depth at all.

Case in point, the BY date (ep126) showcased this fact to the most extreme degree...

Yasha’s infamous line: “I fell in love with you in Kamordah.” So, Yasha literally watched Beau relive her childhood trauma, and caught feelings during it. I’m not wrong in thinking that that’s just a little disturbing, am I? Also, if that’s the moment she supposedly fell for her, why did she not offer her any form of help? I mean, besides that one sweet moment with TJ, the entire time Beau was in Kamordah, she was the most broken down she’d ever been and needed some real comfort, which is something Yasha did not give her. (Jester did though. In spades.)

So, on multiple levels, this seems highly out-of-place. 

Several people have said that that line was not thought through. In my opinion, it actually was thought through and was only said specifically to have viewers completely dismiss everything else that happened in the Kamordah episodes. Despite the FACT that Beau and Yasha barely interacted during those episodes, they have now stripped down the party’s experience there, and twisted it into a giant BY shipping moment. (Further feeding into the retcon.)

Their ‘trip down memory lane’ was laughable. Most of the things that were mentioned, Yasha wasn’t even around for. 

Gee, remember when the cast was actually good at separating what they knew from what their character knew? When you start injecting what you know into your character (who isn’t supposed to know, because they literally were not physically there), you are metagaming. 

The entire date was one big metagaming bonanza. And it had to be, or else they would’ve had nothing to talk about. There is not one thing they have to call their own. To people who don’t have BY tunnel vision, it was made glaringly obvious that they have nothing in common and their dynamic is fairly shallow. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast are sitting there watching this unfold, smiling and nodding along as if it all makes perfect sense and isn’t utterly ridiculous. (And I’m sitting here wondering when I got shunted into the Twilight Zone.)

The shallowness holds true for FJ as well. Aside from both of them being from the Menagerie Coast, what exactly do they have in common?

While Fjord has grown as a character, as far as Jester goes, he still does not seem to have the capacity to fully understand her as a person, or fully respect her abilities/emotional strength/intelligence. He doubted her often, which led to Jester getting irritated with him several times over the course of at least the last third of the pre-hiatus episodes. He even continued to doubt her judgment (in regards to the Traveler) in the post-hiatus Rumblecusp episodes. But hey, they’ve kissed now (ep118) so all of that gets wiped clean, and he’s being touted as her ultimate romantic soulmate who’s oh-so-perfect for her.

For fuck’s sake, why does that sound like something pulled right out of a CW show?

(I'm convinced that the only reason FJ is ‘popular’ is because the shippers have projected Travis and Laura’s real-life marriage onto the characters. If Fjord and Jester were played by different people, or Travis and Laura were not together, people would realize how paper-thin and half-assed this pairing is and hardly anyone would care about it.) 

Beau and Jester had developed the deepest, most genuine friendship and overall dynamic in the entire party, that should have absolutely been given the chance to be explored further. They constructed a pretty solid foundation that could have easily been built upon, and the fact that it’s been unceremoniously pulverized and snuffed out in favor of such overwhelming tepidity and flavorlessness will never not infuriate me.

Finally, to finish this off, I will say with my whole chest, that that is one of many nasty, rotten patterns that I’ve seen far too much of in all kinds of scripted media, which is...

Not wanting to commit to the thing that’s actually growing organically, because it’ll ruffle too many feathers. It’s too inconvenient. It gets in the way. Because of course, nobody wants to do that. Nobody wants to take a risk, or you know, actually follow where the natural fucking chemistry is taking you. Of course not! Heaven forbid, we go down a different road! You have to go with what’s ‘expected’, no matter what, at the great expense of something new that’s come along that’s clearly better. Even when what’s expected is hollow as fuck and doesn’t make sense anymore, because characters have grown and dynamics have changed, they decide to dig their heels in with the most fanservice-y options instead.

Yet this is UNSCRIPTED media. A D&D campaign, that’s supposed to be mostly improvised. D&D, that’s all about taking chances/going with your gut/making bold choices/etc., from people who have claimed up and down that they “like to see things play out at the table”.

So why are those same disingenuous patterns being utilized here too?

One of the big reasons I got into CR was because I naively believed that because the format was different, that the storytelling would be different. I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about running into this nonsense here. That I wouldn’t have to worry about getting bullshitted, jerked around, and having my intelligence insulted left and right, but alas, here we are.

In conclusion...  [TL;DR, kinda?]

Reframing past events (between B & J, and B & Y) to serve a current plot need (railroading BY):                                                                                      

Beau playlist ignores Jester’s importance to what transpired in Kamordah. (minimizing/erasure)

Beau playlist doesn’t acknowledge/hint at Beau’s feelings for Jester. (total erasure. could have at least included a song about feelings being lost, or being confused about feelings for a friend, but Marisha took the cowardly route, and didn’t bother mentioning it at all.)

Beau playlist claims that Beau and Yasha have both been flirting forever. (easily debunked by session footage.)

In her conversation with Fjord, Beau says, “There was something about Yasha from the moment I saw her”. (it was just about hooking up then, and stayed that way for a majority of the campaign. This line suggests that Beau has had ‘deeper feelings’ for and/or has been ‘in love’ with Yasha since the first episode, that this was all intentional build-up, which again, is easily debunked by session footage, panels, and TM.)

In her conversation with Fjord, Beau says, “It’s easy to lust after her.” (minimizing/erasure/twisting of Beau’s feelings for Jester, which Marisha had previously stated were ‘noncomparable’ , ‘more than that’, and that her attraction is ‘nothing sexual in this case.’)

This isn’t a fucking conspiracy theory. This is plain evidence of a planned retcon.

[kitakataramen]

大きいサイズ！！！ PLUS-SIZE SHOPPING IN JAPAN

*This post is intended to be helpful for people already living in Japan who need to find everyday clothing, it’s not going to be useful for people living outside Japan who want to buy kawaii Tokyo fashion. This is also mainly geared toward women’s clothing, as it’s harder to find than men’s plus size clothing, but some of the stores and sites I mention here will be useful for plus size guys as well!

So let’s start at the beginning.

JP SIZING

Japanese sizes in general go from S, M, L, and plus sizes will be indicated from LL (extra large) all the way to 10L. For reference purposes on this post, I am a size 16/18 in CAN/US sizing, a 22 in UK sizing, and a JP size 5L for most plus-size brands, although the sizes are not standardized across brands (meaning that for some brands, a 5L will be either too big or too small). 

If you are above a size 3L, which is the largest size they stock in most regular stores (Uniqlo, for example, only stocks S, M, L, and XL for women*, so I don’t fit into any of their clothes) you will have to do most of your shopping online! There *are* physical plus-size stores around, though, so keep an eye out for stores that look like this:

大きいサイズ  (おおきいサイズ)　- plus-size (lit. large size)

レディースの大きいサイズ 　- Ladies’ large size

メンズの大きいサイズ     - Mens’ large size

Here’s some useful Japanese you can use while shopping in a physical store: 

大きいサイズがありますか？ Do you sell large size clothes?

これのもっと大きいサイズ、ありますか？ Do you have this in a larger size?

It can be a bit difficult finding your size in Japan, but don’t give up! Plus size Japanese women *do* exist and they look cute as heck, and so can you.

PHYSICAL STORES

H&M Japan (they use S, M, L, XL sizing or US sizes up to 16, so I would say around a 4L Japanese size. I am able to fit into some of their clothing based on the cut and style of the garment, but most of their tops/dresses are too tight in the chest for me). Good for a variety of styles, from work clothes to casual

しまむら 　- They carry up to a 4L, good for basics and casuals

青山 (あおやま）　- Great for work/business attire. (They call their plus-size line クイーンサイズ which I find extremely adorable omg). Their sizing is a bit different as they carry from 19号～ 37号, but the sizing charts should help you figure out which size you need.

PUNYUS    - There are only a few of these stores around, in big cities like Tokyo and Osaka, but I love this brand so I’ll be talking about their online store later in the post. The brand was established by Naomi Watanabe, one of Japan’s foremost plus-size comedians and TV personalities, and I absolutely LOVE her. Punyus uses their own sizing in 1, 2, 3, or 4. (I am usually a 2, but I always check the measurements for each garment very carefully because for some items I am a 3 or 4).

*Uniqlo carries up to a 4L in men’s sizes, but you usually have to order the larger sizes online as they don’t stock them in the regular stores.)

There are obviously way more stores than this that carry plus-sizes, and most of them will have the 大きいサイズ  sign right on the outside of the store. I’ve even managed to find some cute items in the  大きいサイズ  section of my local grocery/department store of all places (although don’t expect much from department stores, most of the fashion in these places will be very tame grandma clothes).

Now, let’s get into online shopping, which is the easiest method but can be a little tricky. The first thing you need to do is figure out your measurements, as the majority of online products will have a detailed size chart that is very useful for ensuring a good fit without trying it on.

SIZE CHARTS

Size charts will look like this, and will use centimetres:

サイズ表記 　（サイズひょうき） - size notation

バスト    - bust (the measurement around your chest)

肩幅　（かたはば）- shoulder width (measurement from shoulder to shoulder)

袖丈　（そでたけ） - sleeve length

着丈　（きたけ）- length (of the whole garment, Japanese ones tend to run short. I’m not even particularly tall but a lot of shirts tend to fit like crop tops here)

袖幅　（そではば）- sleeve width

袖口　（そでぐち）- cuff

幅裾　（はばすそ）- hem width

回り　（まわり）- circumference (measurement around the bottom) 

ウエスト    - waist

ヒップ     - hips

In general, the measurements that’ll be most useful will be bust, waist, hips, and length of the garment. As you can see on the model below, those measurements make her a size 3L. My measurements are 128-106-135 and I’m 168cm tall so I’m usually a 5L.

Once you know your measurements, it’s time to start browsing! I’ll briefly introduce my top picks for useful online stores.

ONLINE STORES

1. Nissen

This website is great and I use it all the time. It’s like an online shopping mall that carries the plus size options from a bunch of different brands, so you can just check here instead of browsing each brand individually. 

You can search by size, category, colour- it’s super convenient and easy, and the website is also available in English. 

SHOES

This site also has great options for shoes above 25cm (which is the largest size they sell in most shoe stores for women). My shoe size is 26.5cm with 4E width (extra wide) and I can easily find shoes here.

TALL SIZES

I mentioned before that some of the shirts here tend to fit fairly short, even for my 168cm (5′6″) height. Never fear, there are tall size options as well.

The tall sizes will be annotated with a TT next to it- as you can see, the first 3 options in the picture are MTT - 5LTT, and the 4th one doesn’t have the TT, so it will be a normal length. Again, you can just click on the item and go to the size chart to check the length in cm to see if it will fit.

2. Alinoma

Very similar to Nissen in that it gathers clothing from different brands all right here on the same site, and you can also use the parameters along the side to customize your search by size, category, colour, etc. 

One of my favourite brands (available from both sites) is タベルノスキー、which has super cute stuff~

3. PUNYUS Online Store

The clothes here are more trendy, playful, casual clothes, and I love that they use larger plus-size models than some of the other sites (including Naomi Watanabe herself). I buy a lot of non-work clothes from here.

*Note that all these sites have really reasonable shipping fees within Japan and also have frequent sales, as well. And they’re really easy to use with google translate.

INNER WEAR

Now, as for the busty gal trying to find bras and lingerie in Japan...

Don’t worry!!! I’ve found that most lingerie stores don’t stock my size, but again, it’s possible to order them online using either Nissen or Alinoma. You’ll want to look for the インナー tab, and ta-da! (Just keep in mind that the band in Japan is measured in cm).

To wrap up, I’d just like to reiterate that if you are plus-size in Japan and having trouble finding clothes, you’re not alone! There are lots of us here and there *are* brands out there that make cute clothes for us. If you see something you like in a store, go in and check it! The sizing is not only wildly different between brands, but it can even be different between different garments in the same brand. Don’t be afraid to try things on! You might be surprised by what actually fits and looks good.

Happy shopping!

[zalrb]

OKAY. SINCE ANONS SEEM TO BE INTERESTED. HERE IS MY DAWSON’S CREEK 1X01 REVIEW.

@jayciethings​ IF YOU ARE INTERESTED.

1. I think the opening scene does a good job in establishing the central struggle of the season and it does it in 3 minutes: 1) things need to change and Joey wants them to 2) Dawson doesn’t see why anything has to change and doesn’t see what Joey is trying to say 3) burgeoning sexuality 4) Joey-Dawson friendship.

2. I also think the Joey-Dawson friendship is also established really well and it’s actually a time where dialogue and action work in tandem. They give a brief history/overview of their friendship: “you’ve been sleeping over since you were 7″ “i’ve seen you pick your nose, scratch your butt” while also showing them watch tv, playfight and ultimately end up sleeping in the same bed, like they did when they were 7.

3. I actually don’t find the dialogue as annoying right now.

4. I will forever be angry that they didn’t pay to have the original music with their scenes because Dawson’s Creek is not Dawson’s Creek without “I Don’t Wanna Wait”.

5. “He did it again, he grabbed my ass.” “Like you even have one.” Joshua’s delivery is perfect because it’s resigned and un-offended.

6. “I’m Jen.” “Oh right, the granddaughter from New York.” That actually isn’t clunky. It’s a good way to do exposition.

7. “You look different.” “Puberty.” LOL Joey Whitter sass.

8. Honestly, at least so far, Joey’s behaviour makes sense for a 15 year old girl who is in love with her best friend who doesn’t see her as a sexual being and then has to watch him salivate over The New Girl. No, that isn’t Jen’s fault but sometimes people on this site act like teenagers or adults for that matter don’t have messy and not-so-great emotions/reactions to things. Unless, apparently, they’re men who are rapists and serial killers, then the understanding is boundless.

9. It’s actually refreshing to hear “Mr. Leery” “Mrs. Leery” since teens in shows now just call adults by their first names, which I would NEVER do. I still can’t do that. If I had to address initiumseries’ dad it would be Mr...

10. I also think it’s funny that this dialogue is being made fun of but this kind of cadence and irony is the kind of thing shows go for now -- Riverdale tries to emulate this and I would argue Euphoria tries to do an edgier version of this. Like Nellie insulting Pacey, that kind of tone is what they’re trying to go for with Cheryl.

11. I’ll admit this is more fun than I thought it would be so far.

12.  I LOVE WHAT’S EDGY FOR THE NINETIES. SHE IS IN A SUNDRESS. SETTLE DOWN.

13. “I have it on pretty good authority that mothers have excellent sex.” LOL Pacey, dick move.

14. Renting The Graduate, how on the nose.

15. THEIR CLOTHES ARE SO 90s.

16. The soundtrack pisses me off so much.

17. Oh Dawson. I knew so many self-important, I’m-so-deep-I-like-these-kinds-of-movies or -this-kind-of-music boys in high school. Like I find it so typical that he thinks his obsession with Spielberg would interest Jen.

18. Dawson taking Jen to his studio is like Klaus taking Caroline to sees his drawings.

19. Oh man, I remember being a kid and watching these teen shows with my cousin and seeing how Capeside High School was with everyone on a quad and throwing footballs and being like HIGH SCHOOL IS GOING TO BE LIKE THAT and my cousin just being like

20. I like how Dawson’s Creek is the whitest show and they still managed to have more Black extras than Gilmore Girls.

21. Dawson and Jen actually have a nice chemistry. But everyone is coming on super strong with Jen and she’s just kind of like, this seems normal.

22. The film teacher is a dick for no reason. I’ve had my fair share of dickish teachers but this is excessive right off the bat.

23. Lol poor Jen, she really is trying with Joey.

24. I like how a status of Joey’s class is the fact that her sister is engaged to a Black man *eye roll*

25. I don’t know of any school where teachers ate in the cafeteria with the students. In my school there were teachers who supervised the cafeteria but that’s it. Wow, I spent like no time in my high school cafeteria.

26. “I’m having a climax issue”

27.  Tamara, Ms. Jacobs, you should be in jail.

28. I like how this school LOOKS like a school.

29. Ugh, a trans jokes. Ugh, there was so much of that in the 90s.

30. “Nothing has to change. We can talk about anything.” Honestly, from a screenwriting point of view, this is a solid pilot. I remember in a screenwriting class I took, we studied The Social Network and every 10 pages someone calls Zuckerberg either an asshole or a jerk or something in that vein as a way to reiterate a key part of the theme of the movie and while I don’t have the pilot script in front of me, DC does reiterate the theme of the season frequently without it being repetitive.

31. The dialogue isn’t as hyperbolic as I remember tbh. And I’m going to say it again, shows are aiming for this, even the one episode I saw of the Winx Saga, when they try to flirt about mansplaining, when she’s fighting with her mom about how she’s not a feminist, they’re trying for this. But DC manages to make it more natural and it’s because the Core 4 have a charm. Even if you hate Dawson.

32. Who is Dawson’s dad. Is he in something else?

33. No, I just think he looks like Dr. Cox.

34. Dawson’s rant about sex not being important is hilarious. Yes, Dawson, you’re just pursuing Jen out of intellectual and philosophical desire.

35. I like how Joey is supposed to be a tomboy just because she’s the only girl/woman in Capeside who doesn’t wear a sundress.

36. Poor Jen.

37. Joey is super dramatic, I get that, but I kind of love it because I’m going RELAX but the way I would to a teenager. Like CALM. DOWN. Also “all I do is understand” is something that we needed to see more of before that argument.

38. Dawson, you never ask anyone else any questions about themselves, lol.

39. “How can you say you were just renting a movie??” Pacey is such a fifteen year old and I do wish the show would just ... let him be one? And what I mean by that is Pacey is supposed to be the friend with the edge, the fact that he “pursues” Ms Jacobs is supposed to attest to that fact, it’s framed as taboo and yet they’re presented as being on equal footing, even the way her date moves to grab him out of his seat when the fact of the matter is, he’s a kid, and if the show didn’t actually make the Tamara/Pacey relationship a storyline and made it about another way teenagers have certain idealized perceptions of relationships or apply kid knowledge to adult situations which still makes them kids, it would’ve been interesting too.

40. Dawson is literally dressed in different shades of beige. If that doesn’t say everything you need to know about his character --- which is intentional. But like jfc man.

41. I love that they can’t say “masturbate” so she has to say “walk your dog” I LOVE THE NINETIES.

42. And you know what, after that question was asked, the sheer heartbreak on Joey’s face and the sadness in Dawson’s eyes is done really well.

43. LMAO SO ANGSTY. No one does angst like the 90s.

44.  And legitimately, the ending of this pilot is great screenwriting because a change is noted, the beginning of the episode, Joey does end up staying the night, the end of the episode she leaves because they both realize it’s true that things are changing and yet Dawson answers her question about what time of day he masturbates and to who because they’re still Dawson and Joey. And that’s the way a pilot should be written.

OK. I’ve done it.

[karajaynetoday]

forever and always | calum hood

I couldn’t find the original credit for this gif but possibly here? It’s a deactivated blog though if anyone has the proper credit please let me know!

I don’t know how or why, but I woke up this morning thinking about this concept and I had to get it written to make my peace with it, in a way. Shout out to @spicycal for reading through the draft for me, and sending love to anyone this resonates with. It’s a very emo Calum one-shot that includes pregnancy loss (if that’s not something you can read, feel free to give this one a miss), but I promise it has a happy ending. 

Word count: 2.8k

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy and pregnancy loss/stillbirth, and references to COVID-19 (the pandemic circumstances i.e. quarantine, not actually having the illness)

(This is a fem reader insert)

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Calum ducked his head down to meet your gaze, brown eyes swimming with concern.

You were sat together on the couch in Ashton’s living room, surrounded by a lighting set up, having a quiet moment while Andy and Ryan were setting up their cameras in front of you. 5SOS were preparing to release their next album, and to reflect on the past ten years’ of the band, they had decided to film a documentary alongside the album process. After much deliberation, KayKay, Sierra and Crystal had agreed to take part, because they were just as much a part of the band’s journey as the boys’ families were, and their support and influence on the music was obvious. For you, though, it was a little different. You and Calum had successfully hidden your relationship from the public eye for the last four years. It was some sort of miracle, honestly, especially given the last little while where you’d gotten careless and slipped up by holding hands and showing affection in public. If any fans or paps noticed, they never said anything, and it gave you and Calum a sense of relief that no one knew your name or true identity when you were spotted with him or the rest of the band family in public.

Relief, but you had to admit that it hurt a little too. You’d seen the hate and vitriol that the other guys’ partners had experienced, and you knew Calum was just trying to protect you from all of that, but every time someone made a joke about him being the only single one in interviews, or asked him what he looked for in a girl, or the fans ran away with relationship rumours whenever he was photographed within breathing distance of a potential love interest,  it made your chest feel tight. At the end of the day, though, Calum always came home to you, and that was what truly mattered.

To say that this was a big moment, publicly announcing your relationship with Calum, and revealing that you’d kept it hidden for years, was an understatement. But you knew it was important to both of you to finally share it with the world. Not just because you loved each other and wanted to show it, but because the events of the past year had broken and rebuilt you all over again. As individuals, as a couple, and even for the band as a whole. You knew that the hope you’d held, and the pain that tore you down, and the healing you’d been through came across in Calum’s contributions to the new album, so it felt right to sit down and use your own voice to convey your feelings about it all.

You broke out of your deep train of thought to nod in response to Calum’s question, and press a quick but reassuring kiss to his lips.

“I’m sure if you’re sure.” You whispered, as Calum threw his arm around your shoulders and squeezed to let you know he was in support of whatever you wanted to do.

“Okay guys, we’re ready if you’re all good to go?” Ryan spoke up from behind the camera, trying not to unsettle you two and the moment you were clearly having. A deep breath and a brief smile from you and Calum let Ryan know he could start recording, and Andy sat down out of frame and pulled his notebook of questions into his lap.

“So, shall we start from the beginning?”

Your heart swelled, as you began to remember.

--

Ashton had full on wingman-ed Calum when you first met them both at a bar downtown. He was dating KayKay at the time, so he’d made it his mission to find Cal a hot date, or a lover, or a lifelong companion (“Any of the above will do, as long as you’re not a shit person”, he’d told you as he tried to pitch Calum to you). The pitch had worked, and you’d joined them for a few drinks and rounds of pool, before exchanging numbers with Calum at the end of the night.

From there, it was coffee dates, and brunches, and then dinners and nights out on the town. Soon it became days or nights at each other’s houses, which became entire weekends, then it was trips away or secret visits to see Calum on tour, and before you knew it, you’d been dating for the better part of the last two years and Cal asked you to move in with him. He knew it was a sacrifice on your part, not only dating someone who was away for months at a time, let alone someone whose hand you couldn’t hold out in public for risk of being photographed, but you also knew that you and Calum loved each other more deeply than you’d ever loved before. You understood he’d be burned in the past with public or semi-public relationships, and seeing his band brothers go through them made him hesitant at best. By moving in together, you’d see each other more, and you’d also get to shower each other with the love and desire that was building more and more within your soul with every passing day.

--

“So that’s the story of how we met. Mate, honestly, I was head over heels from day one.” Calum laughed, kissing your forehead quickly.

“I’ve had the privilege of observing you two and your love for one another for a few years now, and I have to say it’s a beautiful thing. You just seem to know each other inside out, and I love that soulmate aspect of your relationship.” Andy mused, flashing you a warm smile.

“Now, in terms of influence on this upcoming album, I know the past 18 months have been a rollercoaster for us all, but you two especially have been through a lot. Do you feel comfortable talking us through that a little bit?” Andy was careful with his words, not wanting to upset you or make you uncomfortable.

You squeezed Calum’s knee, before swallowing thickly and thinking back to the time period Andy had mentioned.

--

When 2020 began, you held so much hope and excitement for the year ahead. Watching Calum and his brothers play the Firefight Australia concert was incredible, and you were so thrilled for them to be releasing their latest album that truly felt representative of the four individuals who had come together to craft it. But then the pandemic began, and you were ordered into quarantine. Each day felt heavier somehow, with more sad stories on the news, and more frustration building up amongst your loved ones. It broke your heart to see Calum and the boys not able to release the album in the way they’d originally hoped, but Cal himself was both an optimist and a realist, and constantly reiterated that it felt like the right time to release it anyway, because maybe it would bring a bit of joy and serenity to people that needed that in their lives amongst all the chaos.

You’d quickly fallen into the routine of home isolation, waking early to get your work hours done, so you could spend your afternoons with Calum and Duke by the pool, or hiking a nearby trail, or bingeing Netflix on the couch. It was strange to have so much time together, but it was also so warm and comforting that it didn’t take you long to get anxious at the idea of Calum ever leaving again for tour or promo. That was a while away, though, so you tried your best to make the most of the time you had, and take it one day at a time.

You couldn’t remember the first day you woke up feeling nauseous. Sometime in June, you supposed. A few days of vomiting and fatigue that made you feel like you’d been hit by a bus, and you had a telehealth appointment with your doctor to try and figure out what was going on. Given your symptoms, they’d asked you in for tests right away. A week or so later, you were back sitting in the doctor’s office awaiting the results, extra nervous because the COVID-19 restrictions meant that Calum couldn’t come in with you. You’d thought about FaceTiming him into the appointment, but there was something in the back of your mind telling you that you wanted to have a moment to yourself to process the news, whatever it was going to be.

When your doctor looked at you with a smile and told you that you were pregnant, all you could do was gape back at her in shock. It shouldn’t have come entirely as a surprise; you and Calum had spoken a few times about the vision you had for your future, and the uncertainty and restlessness that quarantine had given you made foregoing protection seem right, somehow (lovesick logic, or something like that). But it happening so quickly was unexpected. Your shock was soon replaced with tears of happiness, and you were already bursting at the seams to get home and tell Calum the news.

He was speechless at first, too, but then again Calum always was a man of few words. You’d kept it to yourselves for a little while, only discussing it in quiet whispers, or soft touches onto your non-existent bump, or sending links of cute baby things to one another via WhatsApp message. A few weeks later, you had your first scan, and this time Calum was allowed in the room. You could see his eyes light up when he heard the strong heartbeat on the monitor, and later he’d tell you how he immediately wanted to voicenote it on his phone to listen to while he was away on tour, or even mix it into a song.

Seeing that tiny blob on the screen and hearing the heartbeat honestly made your entire year, and from then on you couldn’t resist sharing your happiness with others. Video calls with yours and Calum’s parents, more happy tears and cheering from the soon-to-be first time grandparents.

The restrictions in California had eased a little, so you invited Ashton, Luke, Michael and their respective partners over for dinner one night. You’d prepared some cute greeting cards, one for each couple, thanking them for all of their support over the years with helping to protect your privacy with Calum, and slipped a copy of the baby scan with “see you in February” written on the back inside the card. Once everyone was settled onto the couches in the living room, waiting for dinner to be ready, you handed them out and sat down in Calum’s lap, taking a sip of your drink to try and hide the excitement on your face.

It was so amusing to observe the reactions that were representative of each couple. Michael and Crystal gasped and cheered, immediately pulling you and Calum into tight hugs. Ashton and KayKay were more reserved, but whispers of love and encouragement and happiness into your ears were so lovely and cherished. The tears in Sierra’s eyes, and the comfort of Luke’s squeeze of his arms around your waist said more than they could ever put into words.

The emotional celebrations soon turned into teasing jibes, and Ashton’s pitch for a new line of 5SOS baby merch. (“Come on guys, a baby-sized bucket hat? Tiny hoodies? Wildflower plush toys? A lullabies album? I’m telling you, there’s a whole WORLD of opportunity for us opening up right now!”), and you couldn’t help but feel both overjoyed and overwhelmed at how much this little baby was going to be surrounded with love and support for every day of their life.

The months carried on, and your once invisible baby bump grew and grew. You and Calum cleared out a spare room for the nursery, and got lost in furniture shopping and paint swatches and reading every parenting book you could get your hands on. There were doctors appointments, and birthing classes; lists of potential baby names on the fridge, and consulting your dog trainer on how best to introduce old man Duke to the idea of a new arrival.

As December approached, and you started getting into the festive spirit, Calum began returning to the studio as he and the guys toyed with some potential new directions for the next album. All of them had studios built into their homes, so they could meet and work together in relative safety, which was reassuring. You were standing over the kitchen sink one day, rinsing out the pan you’d used to make eggs for breakfast, when a searing pain in your abdomen had you groaning in discomfort and gripping onto the kitchen counter for dear life. The pain eased momentarily, and then came back stronger, and you managed to grab your phone from the counter and dial Calum’s number frantically as you gasped for breath.

The next few hours were a blur; Calum raced home to find you curled up in pain on the kitchen floor, Ashton and the paramedics were quick to follow him inside. They put you in an ambulance and took you straight to the hospital; you and Calum were gripping each other’s hand so tightly that your knuckles were white with stress.

The doctors determined you were in pre-term labour, and soon enough you were in a delivery room panting and pushing and crying out to Calum for comfort. It was all so terrifying and overwhelming but he was doing his best to ground you, brushing his fingers through your hair and holding your hand and whispering sweet nothings into your ear. When you finally delivered the baby, a hush fell over the room, and you could tell from the look on the faces of your doctor and nurses that something wasn’t right. 

The silence continued, and your heart broke when you realised that the baby hadn’t started to cry like you’d expected. The nurses had moved the infant over to another station, suctioning their airway and connecting them up to all manner of tubes and wires, but after a few moments your doctor told you the news. It was a baby girl, but her heartbeat wasn’t there. She’d come into the world and gone out again, just like that.

--

“I know a lot of people struggle to talk about stillbirths, and losing children, and it’s such a deeply personal thing so I get it. But it’s also grief, and loss, and emotions that you feel whenever you lose anyone you love. If there’s one thing I wish we could do more, as people in general, it’s discuss how we feel, and normalise having emotions, because it brings you closer and makes you feel less alone.” You spoke softly, blinking away the tears that had started to well in your eyes.

Andy nodded gently at you, before a quiet “Cal?” with an encouraging flick of his head.

Calum cleared his throat and glanced over at you before speaking. 

“I think that’s a huge part of why we wanted to be here today and talk about not only our relationship but losing Matilda in particular. It’s a sensitive topic, I know, especially for men, but holding back and bottling up your emotions isn’t good for anyone. Without her support in getting me to open up, or having the boys to listen to me cry and help me get some of my feelings out, in words and on this album, I don’t think I’d be in as good a place as I am now. It’s dark to think about, but important not to ignore, I think.”

“You’re so right, Cal. And Matilda is always going to be a part of our story, and we’re never going to forget how much we loved her and how much closer together she brought us,” You began, pausing briefly to squeeze Calum’s hand that had settled on your swollen stomach, “And when our little rainbow baby arrives in the next few weeks, I can’t wait to tell them about their sister, and how much she would’ve loved to meet them, but now she’s watching over them instead.”

“Exactly. We’re always going to have had Matilda, and then this little one, and however many others we decide to try and bring into the world. But it’s the love that builds you and the loss that breaks you that makes us who we are. Forever and always.” Calum’s voice was emotional, but also firm and calm, as he looked down at you and kissed you intently, his hand never leaving its spot on your bump, where your little rainbow baby was kickly softly at the sound of his voice.

“Forever and always.” You agreed, inhaling deeply and feeling a sense of deep peace and content wash over you.

More writing here | send thoughts/feedback/suggestions here | if you’d like to be on my taglist go here

Taglist: @suchalonelysunflower​ @blackbutterfliescal​ @redrattlers​ @loveroflrh​ @spicycal​ @notinthesameguey​ @metalandboybands​ @cheekysos​   @ashton-trash

[deantransgressions2]

10x23 brother's keeper

#1: no comment

"they let her leave the house looking like a whore" (talking about a young dead girl)

time tag: 2:33

#2: rudy told dean about a case and met him at the crime scene. dean demanded he leaves, even though it was actually rudy’s case, not dean’s. 

dean: "yeah, not today you're not. i'm gonna need you to take a walk on this one."

rudy: "uh, okay? except uh, except i called you, so, uh, if anybody's walking, it's..."

time tag: 3:25

#3: he just started bullying rudy so no reason.

dean: "oh, you called me? no, no. you begged me. just like tuscaloosa, just like old lyme, we both know you're playing dress up out here, and it's just a matter of time before you get yourself killed. so why don't you take that walk and let the real hunters do the work?"

time tag: 3:35

#4: a "slut" is a social construct built out of misogyny, so if you ever think of someone as a "slut" then, you are therefore a misogynist. it’s very simple.

some dad: "by suggesting my daughter was a slut?"

dean: "i'll admit that thought crossed my mind."

time tag: 7:15

#5: he admitted he was originally blaming the dead woman for her own death because she was a "slut"

time tag: 7:27

#6: sigh. when will this man stop using misogynistic language..

"no wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her."

imagine thinking women only wear clothing for validation...imagine thinking women exist just for male attention...

time tag: 7:28

#7: pointed a gun at a child.

time tag: 8:18

#8: taunted and convinced a vampire into killing rudy.

time tag: 12:12

#9: destroyed a motel room that i'm sure he didn’t pay the damages for.

time tag: 13:47

#10: lured sam to the bar under false pretenses.

time tag: 24:17

#11: he was fully content to kill his brother to save himself and others. which big picture i guess is okay, except dean didn't exactly give sam a choice. also let's be real, killing sam was the most irreverent and unnecessary part of this whole plan. they justified killing him because he would "never rest" until he saved dean. which, like, isn't true. we all know if dean had thoroughly explained the darkness, and made sam promise to leave the mark alone, he literally would have. truth is death just really wanted to kill sam <3 and dean doesn't have the brain cells at the minute to realize killing sam makes no sense <3

time tag: 24:36

#12: dean was prepared to kill sam just to fix his own mistake. it's pathetic.

sam: "you traded my life."

dean: "i'm willing to live with this thing forever, as long as i know that i and it will never hurt another living thing."

let's chat. sam was willing to die in s4 to stop the apocalypse by killing lilith and get revenge for dean. sam died in s5 to save the world and therefore dean as well. sam was willing to die in s8 to save the world and therefore make dean's life easier. sam was willing to die in mids10 in order to get a codex that would save dean. NOW let's talk about dean. dean died in s3 as a result of saving sam (this one's ok). dean tried to "save" the world and therefore sam in s5 by planning to say yes to michael, which in turn would have burned half the planet. dean saved sam's life in s8 by lying to and violating sam. dean tried saving the world and therefore sam in s9 by recklessly accepting the mark, which in turn got many people killed and even more injured. dean tried saving the world in s10 by murdering his brother and then shipping himself off to the moon or some shit.

do you see the difference? do you see what's wrong here? i'll wait.

time tag: 25:50

#13: when in doubt blame sam!! when in doubt yell at sam!!

sam: "this doesn't make any sense"

dean: "no, it makes perfect sense if you stop thinking about yourself for one damn minute!"

time tag: 26:09

#14: attempted to guilt sam into cooperating by bringing up an old situation that was so completely different than the one they were currently in.

dean: "remember when we were in that church, making crowley human, about to close the gates of hell? well, you sure as hell were ready to die for the greater good then."

sam: *said some bs about dean doing the right thing after 8x23 which isn’t true and we know sam agrees*

dean: "and i was wrong. you were right, sam. you knew that this world would be better without us in it."

sam: "you're twisting my words here dean"

time tag: 28:20

#15: more emotional manipulation.

dean: "i know what i am, sam. but who are you when you...when you drove that man to sell his soul...or when you bullied charlie into getting herself killed? and to what end? a-a good end? a just end? to remove the mark no matter the consequences? sam, how is that not evil?"

dean is living in a separate reality as the rest of us. or his amnesia is in full swing today because none of what he said is true.

time tag: 29:25

#16: he again reiterated that he will kill sam and sam has no say in the matter.

time tag: 30:32

#17: sam punched dean, which was justified considering dean was trying to murder him?? but dean decided to fight back so that as a result of the assault, sam would be broken, hurt, and compliant in dean's plan to murder him.

time tag: 30:34

#18: sam submitted himself to dean's will and plan. he agreed to die just because dean wanted him to. it’s unbelievably unsettling, this is not codependency or familial love, this is emotional abuse, manipulation, and fear. and dean has always gotten off on that. sam kneeling on the floor, looking up to dean, who holds all the power, as blood runs down his face...:/

time tag: 32:30

#19: asked sam to close his eyes. oh boohoo....what a wimp. he made this big fuss about sam needing to die, then brutally attacked him, and now he wants sam to close his eyes???? what a hypocritical baby.

time tag: 33:21

#20: killed death. death! worst thing dean ever did. i miss him already.

time tag: 35:04

[goldenhydreigon47]

I have returned with more Rebel Hearts Infodumping™. This time, we'll focus on the triplets of Cal, Cat, Cataclysm, and Dev.

So first up are the triplets. Their birthnames are Calamitas, Catastrophe, and Cataclysm. However, they each have different preferred sexualities and preferred pronouns, as well as preferred names. First up is Cal. She is usually pretty quiet and reserved, but open up easier around her allies, especially her siblings as well as Dev and Mariko. She is also a pyromancer, much like in the official canon. Cal is demigirl, uses she/her pronouns, and, much like the official canon, is aroace. She is 20 when Rebel Hearts takes place. Catastrophe's preferred name is Cat. Why is it Cat? Well, for one thing, he found it easier for him and Cal to shorten their birthnames to make a preferred name. The other reason is, in Cal's opinion, he has the most, "cat-like," personality, appearing calm and unfeeling, with some skittishness, but is super loving when around his siblings or friends (Fun Fact: In Rebel Hearts, Cal, Cat, Cataclysm, and even Mariko all purr and wag their tails [yes they have tails in this story. I saw one of my friends draw the siblings with tails {hi Juno :)} and I've always had Mariko with a tail]). Cat is demiboy, uses he/him pronouns, and, much like his sister, is aroace. He is 22 in Rebel Hearts. Finally, the youngest of the three at age 18 is Cataclysm. Their hair is a floof in my story and they are the most upbeat and adorable of the three (Also, all three of the siblings have English accents. Cal has an English accent canonically, so it seems appropriate for Cat and Cataclysm to have English accents too). Cataclysm is non-binary, uses they/them pronouns, and is pansexual, quickly ending up in a relationship with Mariko.

So, backstory time for them. These three lived deep in the mountains with their parents, but sadly, their parents died shortly when Cal was age 6 (Cat was 8 and Cataclysm was 4). Enraged and saddend by their parent's deaths (their parents were mistaken for two other wanted criminals and shot by some mercenaries in this story btw), Cal swore revenge on humanity. Cat agreed but didn't really want to, hoping to drag Cal out of this whole "vengeance" thing, and Cataclysm was too young to know what was going on. This rage inside of Cal manifested into her pyromancy skills, specifically her brand of fire: Abyssal Fireballs. Cat's cryomancy and Cataclysm's electromancy wouldn't develop until a few years later. After about two years, Cal found and burned the very souls of these mercenaries. Her wrath was exploited, however, as she was lured to a jungle temple, along with her siblings. This, of course, led to her brainwashing by Yharim, who also brainwashed Cat and Cataclysm, awakening their powers. From that day forward, Cal and her siblings proved to be Yharim's most powerful soldiers, killing players multiple times. Her greatest feats were burning down Mariko's village, despite the regret she held in constantly ever since, even apologizing about it to Mariko in a letter she wrote a year after she first met him, an apology which Mariko accepted, and burning the entire ocean kingdom of Amidias, who held no ill will towards Cal for the incident, as he only blamed Yharim for this. She was so great, an inferior clone was made of her and her siblings. She continued to take command from the tyrant without conflict, until 8 years later, when they met Mariko. After her slowly defeated them in battle, Cal asked Mariko to finish her and her siblings so they may join their parents. Mariko, who was 18 at the time, told the then 18 year old Cal that he too had lost his parents, and wished for death to come to him as well. However, he saw that life was worth living and knows that everyone can have a second chance, except for Yharim of course. He then fully healed Cal and her siblings, much like he did to Dev a few months prior (we'll get to that) and told Cal that he saw good inside the hearts of her and her siblings, before flying away. It was here that Cal saw more good in humanity. However, her torture at the hands of Yharim grew more intense after she failed to kill Mariko. Her siblings were also tortured. She had begun to see what Mariko was talking about, how Yharim was irredeemable. After they were freed from their torture chamber by Dev, Cal's best friend, the four began to plot escape plans. Eventually, after two years, Cat and Cataclysm escaped after their brainwashing "juices" ran dry, telling Cal and Dev where they went so they may follow. Upon escape, Cat and Cataclysm bumped into the former Sea King, Amidias. Upon recognizing who they were, Amidias, a former father figure himself as he raised his late daughter alongside his late husband, decided to care for Cat, now 22, and Cataclysm, now 18, while they waited for Cal and Dev to join them. Mariko even made frequent visits to check up on the three, which is when his friendship, and eventual love relationship, with Cataclysm kicked into high gear. After about a month and a half, the brainwash "juices" in Cal and Dev ran dry, and the two escaped, following directions to get to Amidias' place, whom they affectionately called "Ami." Dev and Cal bump into Mariko, explain what's they're doing, Mariko approves of their decision to escape from the tyrant while also reiterating that he holds no grudges or hatred to Cal and Dev for eliminating his village while brainwashed, the trio make it to Ami's, reunite with Cat and Cataclysm, and thus, the initial five members of Rebel Hearts are founded.

And now, we move on to Dev. Dev is also enby and uses they/them or he/him pronouns. They're permanently 19, even after they were "born", and is asexual. Dev was born on another entire planet, but sent to the Terraria Calamity mod planet (I seriously don't know if it has a namd or if I should just name it Earth) to stay fed, as their home planet was dying. Upon emerging from his space pod, he was quickly "rescued" by Yharim and brainwashed by a robot made by Draedon. It was here Dev met their best friends, Cal, Cat, and Cataclysm. Dev was always the most rebellious of the four, constantly defying Yharim's demands, and thus, was tortured quite often, usually by being denied food. This just caused his inner hatred towards Yharim to grow, and it would only fuel his want to escape with Cal and her siblings. The torture would only cause Dev's hunger to grow, now wanting to feast on the essence of living beings or deities, especially Gods and Goddesses. In an attack on the Brimstone Crags by Yharim's troops, Dev encountered, killed, and devoured Providence. Sure, she would revive because of Mariko, but that's what would drive Yharim to make the biggest mistake of his life: Sending Dev to attack Mariko. Upon seeing Mariko, Dev knew he wasn't a God, but would feast upon his essence regardless, especially since he knew this was the same "weakling" Yharim found when Dev and Cal decimated Mariko's village while brainwashed. However, surprising Dev, Mariko defeated him in his much more powerful worm form. Now back in their humanoid form, which they took on more often, he tried to off himself out of disgracing Yharim, but Mariko knocked the weapon out of Dev's hands. Mariko then told Dev that he saw good in their heart, healed them, gave them a large amount of food, and told them that Yharim was irredeemable, unlike them, Cal, and her siblings. Now fully enraged at Yharim, he tried to kill Yharim, only to nearly get killed himself. After being healed by Draedon, the next two years saw Dev continue to defy Yharim's orders, even more often than usual, even refusing to battle the newly revived Providence. Yharim tried to have the brainwash "juices" put deeper into Dev's brain, but their headstrong nature just pushed the juices out by themself. After two years of torture and manipulation, Dev finally grabbed Cal and escaped. Cue the two of them bumpung into Mariko, going to Ami's, reuniting with Cat and Cataclysm, and Rebel Hearts beginning.

Infodump on Cal, Cat, Cataclysm, and Dev complete. Yharim, Draedon, Yharon, and Sunork infodump coming soon.

[sir-silly]

The Last War fan review

So, our beloved show has ended. And while I wish things would have gone differently, I did cry with relief when Clarke looked over and saw everyone already waiting for her.

Anyway, I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the finale.

1) Going right into the title sequence kind of shocked me. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but I was just immediately like “oh.” It was a bitch-slap in the face that they left a gap in the credits for Bob Morley. Why you gotta do us like that?

2) Murphy screaming “come on” while they used the defibrillator on Emori was heartbreaking. And his little whispered encouragements were so freaking cute.

3) Clarke rampage? Yes, please! I love me a badass woman. However, unlimited ammo is a sin in writing. The moment Octavia picked up the sword was a big “oh yes.”

4) Did Cadogan not care about his son like at all? Lmao. Why is he so hung up on Callie and not his other kid (who I can’t even remember the name of). I don’t care if they explain in the prequel, that’s still a shitty parent choosing favorites. Along with his wife, like, was she not his greatest love? It was Callie? Kinda fucked up.

5) Why the fuck could Jordan figure out it was a test and not a war in 5 seconds when the Disciples were studying that shit for decades? I know he’s Monty’s son, but he’s not a genius or anything.

6) Thoughts on the test: I think Cadogan would have failed and the human race would be destroyed. Why bother asking questions if you already know all the answers?

7) Why wasn’t Gaia in the finale like at all?? Like, what the fuck. She was hunting??? For what?? That really annoyed me because I’ve grown to really like her and there was no point in her not being involved in the last episode. They seriously couldn’t have thrown her in there? Like, come on! Even Niylah was there! (not saying that I don’t like her, it’s just that Gaia has felt far more important to the story than her).

8) I do think that Jasper and Hope are cute together, and I know they spent the majority of their lives either alone or only with their parents, but GOD I can’t stand how awkward they are. Also, I know ya’ll have feelings for each other and shit, but is now really the time to be making out?? Why do people think that’s okay in literally the worst situations? I know it’s a show, but come on.

9) And how the fuck did Jordan throw and catch that sword? He’s a child who’s never fought a day in his life. Unless they suddenly want to tell me that Harper and Monty were secret ninjas and taught him all their tricks, I don’t believe that.

10) I’m being pissy and bringing up things from the past, but I don’t care. Why the fuck couldn’t Harper and Monty gone into cryo? I know they were happy and shit, but I’M NOT. How the fuck did it take so long for him to get into the files for Sanctum? His ass has done that shit a thousand times before in about two minutes and suddenly it takes him 80 years? Bullshit.

11) I’m still being pissy, but how the fuck does Jordan know what a magician is? “For my first trick, I will make an army appear.” Bruh, no. Monty wouldn’t have known what a magician was either. If they weren’t being taught what a Navy Seal was, there’s no way they knew what magicians were. Calling bullshit on that one as well.

12) I was pretty surprised that the Disciples didn’t start firing on Wonkru immediately. Like, this is the war they’ve been gearing up for forever and they don’t attack as soon as possible? Also, where the fuck did Wonkru get their war paint? Do they just constantly have it on their person? Or did their asses literally spend time making their paint before going to Bardo?

13) I fucking love Miller and Jackson. They’re freaking adorable. Murphy’s flat “I am glad you are safe” was so fucking funny. Also, saving Emori in one scene just to kill her in the next is bullshit. They should have just killed her the first time and done the same thing anyway. Murphy screaming at Jackson to do something and sobbing was heartbreaking. Fantastic acting on Richard Harmon’s part.

14)  Octavia putting on Lincoln’s same warpaint again was once again, so sad. I miss that man. He was too good for his own good. And while I do think that her and Levitt are very cute together, I’ll always prefer her with Lincoln. But I think that he would be really happy that she has found someone new to love.

15) Apparently whatever Echo “did” to Levitt was so forgettable that I don’t even know what she’s talking about. Bad writing. I shouldn’t forget that in just a few weeks, I should remember as soon as I see the two of them in the same room.

16) Lexa. Just all of it. There were some suspicions that she would show up for the last episode, but I didn’t really believe them because I didn’t understand how she would be integrated. I’m glad that they did bring her back, but I’m also not. It was amazing to see her back by Clarke in all of her armor and glory, but knowing it wasn’t actually Lexa was just a punch in the face. It wasn’t her mind, so it’s almost like they didn’t bring her back anyway. I honestly would have preferred if they used someone else for her Judge, because that just really didn’t do it for me. Their hug was sweet, but it didn’t even count as her returning. I personally think that her Judge should have been Bellamy or Madi instead, as they both certainly could fill the role of “the subject’s greatest teacher or the source of their greatest failure...it can be their greatest love.” This is just my preference. Believe me, I know how much Lexa meant to Clarke, but as a fan, bringing our favorite Heda back in that way wasn’t the best way to do it. As a writer, it makes sense, but it doesn’t as a fan. The writers can’t just think of what is the best storytelling, they have to think of what those watching will think.

17) I’m confused about the mindspace? Why did Clarke wake up in her solitary room with her memories painted all over the walls, but Emori woke up in the castle with a view of the desert? Why wouldn’t it have been her and Murphy’s cave? Is there a reason it was the bedroom and not the cave?

18) I know this isn’t canon in any sense, but could you imagine if Murphy and Emori fought over John’s body and she won, and then suddenly woke up with a penis? How fucking funny would that be? Just had to throw that out there.

19) Can I just again reiterate how fucking cute Miller and Jackson are?

20) I’m curious about the location of the test. Why did Cadogan’s take place on a pier, while Raven’s happened on the Ark? If it was their favorite place, wouldn’t Raven’s have been actually out in space? Like during a spacewalk? I’m confused about that.

21) I knew that Raven was somehow going to be involved in the test just because of the trailers we got for the final episode. My two guesses for who the judge would be were Finn and Abby. Though I am happy that we got to see Abby again, I would be curious to see if the scene would have played out any differently if it had been Finn.

22) Where was the full line that was given in the trailer? Because that was amazing. “We’re selfish, and we’re violent, and we have destroyed too much, but we survived.” I loved that line far more than what we got instead, which was simply, “Have we made mistakes? Yes. Clarke, me, all of us, but we were just trying to survive.” I definitely would have chosen the former over the latter. Poor choice on the editors’ parts.

23) How the fuck did Octavia and Echo go out to the field and get Levitt with Echo only being shot once? With all the bullets, the three of them should have been torn apart, I don’t care how much Indra could cover Octavia. Calling bullshit on that as well.

24) Bringing this up kind of late because I’m giving my reviews as I’m rewatching the episode, but what they had Eliza do was really fucked up. Her and Bob suffered a miscarriage during the filming of season seven, so the scene of her holding Madi and crying “my baby” is like 10 times more heartbreaking. If they made her film that after having a miscarriage mere days, weeks or few months before, that’s really, really messed up.

25) They really played-up Sheidheda’s bringing back of “jus drein jus daun” in the trailer. In reality, it was far less intense. I would have preferred what I had been expecting, which was him coming to help convince Wonkru that they would be able to win. However, I am super glad that he is dead and Indra finally got to kill him. I love how that bigass gun just turns people into mist lol.

26) The beginning of Octavia’s speech was literally like “what the FUCK guys” and it was hilarious. And I swear to god if I hear her say “we are Wonkru” or “you are Wonkru” another time, I’m gonna scream. I know it was legit the last episode but I’m sick of it by now lol. When Indra was like “I hope you know what you’re doing,” Octavia’s face was just like “omg me too” and it was really funny.

27) Bellamy. His situation was a whole problem itself. He deserved a hell of a lot better and wHY DID HE CUT HIS HAIR I LIKED IT THE LONG WAY. Anyway, you can bet your ass I’ll be writing a different ending where he didn’t die because FUCK THAT. When I do, I’ll be sure to share it.

28) I’m fucking confused about Murphy and Emori both transcending. Because, what the fuck. Emori died. The dead don’t transcend. Her mind wasn’t even in her body, it was in Murphy’s. So how the fuck did she end up alive and in her own body again. I’m glad she’s alive, but I just don’t understand. It would have made way more sense to have either not had her die in the first place, or to have Murphy, Miller, and Jackson keep pumping her heart so she technically “lived” anyway like Echo.

29) If Madi had decided not to transcend, would she still have been paralyzed? I mean, I would assume not because Levitt and Hope’s gunshots were healed, as was Emori, but I’m curious. Also, wouldn’t Raven’s leg have been fixed? Because if they only fix recent wounds and not old ones, that’s stupid.

30) On the point of Madi deciding not to transcend, why did she? Why didn’t so many other people choose not to? Like, not one Eligius prisoner or person from Sanctum chose to live? No one else from Wonkru? Why didn’t anyone else other than the main cast and guest stars not transcend? I totally understand the Disciples transcending, but seriously, nobody else wanted to live? That’s really weird. Madi and her friends really couldn’t have chosen to live on Earth with Clarke and the others? I just think it’s really unrealistic that not one single person outside of the group chose not to transcend.

31) I was really surprised that Murphy and Emori chose not to transcend, because as the Judge said, they would eventually die and not join them in the infinite. It shocked me due to their fear of dying and wanting to be immortal, but I’m really proud of them.

32) I’m disappointed that those who don’t transcend can’t have children. There were suspicions that Emori might have been pregnant (which were never confirmed), but the idea of her and Murphy having a kid together was adorable. They’d have their teeny tiny families with those two, Hope and Jordan, and Octavia and Levitt.

33) This isn’t as much me pointing out a problem as me wondering, what was Clarke going to say to the Judge when she turned around? What else did she have to say or ask? Was it about Madi? Or maybe Lexa? Or just transcending in general?

34) It’s pretty shitty that some of our questions went unanswered due to the fact that there will be a prequel. On the other hand, I live for lore, so I’m just glad that they eventually will be answered. But still, that doesn’t excuse shitty writing.

35) I want to see a stupid edit of Picasso taking the test where the Judge is Madi.

I think we all know that season seven was really not what we wanted it to be. We’ve been really disappointed by the writers and unfortunately, this is what we got out of it. I believe they really could have done a better job, but I am at least glad that everyone ended up together.

The writing was lacking. Too many questions were left unanswered, I don’t care if you’re making a sequel or not. Plot holes. It really could have been a good season if it was done better.

My ranking of the seasons is as follows: 3, 2, 4, 1, 6, 5, 7. Seasons 4 and 1 are kind of interchangeable for me in spots three and four, as are 6 and 5 in the two spots behind them, whatever the order may be.

But I still love the show. I love the characters, their development, and many things about it. It has been quite the journey and I am glad to have been a fan of the show.

May we meet again.

[wedreamedlove]

(Price of) Freedom [Bai Qi Character Study]

JP finished their run of Bai Qi's Mystery Wings event and after reading everything I haven't been the same— LOL much like how I was after his Spring Festival Date, so now I'm subjecting you all to a rambly think piece.

Disclaimer: I use CN and JP quotes, so they'll differ from the ENG version. Spoilers up to Chapter 19 + unreleased ENG cards.

FREEDOM, WHAT IS IT?

I don't think it's a secret now that Bai Qi had a harsh childhood. But, for the sake of my think piece and to refresh everyone's memories, I'll go through it again.

[Rumors and Secrets: Little Guardian] His dad rarely came home, especially after it was confirmed that Bai Qi didn't have any Evol powers. Heck, Bai Qi even heard his parents arguing through a door and saw instances of his mom crying because of his dad.

[Seize SSR: Sad Thoughts Call] Bai Qi reveals that his dad was extremely strict on him and his mom would cry silently in the back for him. The one time his dad smiled Bai Qi felt chills down his spine for the rest of the day.

[Campus Date] Bai Qi thinks about how his dad, and others, would probably be happy to see him die and so, out of sheer spite, he rejects that and decides to live for himself (and MC because she woke his Evol) and not for the recognition of others or the world.

[Main Story 12-18] Bai Qi's mom died in a fire, which is why he's traumatized, and this was another point for his dad to hammer in his uselessness. But Bai Qi re-affirms here that his existence itself is not a point of shame.

[Main Story 15-24] In order to protect MC, Bai Qi makes a deal with the devil (aka. his dad) and his dad says that undergoing the NW Plan has always been Bai Qi's fate, along with his younger brother. In [Rumors and Secrets: Little Guardian] Bai Qi's mother tries to justify to Bai Qi that his dad bears the burden of protecting the country, but you don't sacrifice your family like that and make weapons out of them... lol.

Okay, knowing Bai Qi's past now, I'm going to bring up my header question. Freedom, what is it and how does it relate to Bai Qi? In this case, I think a lot of what Bai Qi is trying to escape is the confinement of his father. "His joining of the special forces symbolizes the difference of his justice compared to his father" [CN Profile].

It's not a coincidence that Bai Qi gets these symbols:

WIND: Classic symbol of something that is utterly free and cannot be controlled. Bai Qi literally controls the wind.

SKY: He's always flying around in the sky. He's not using his power on the ground. He also has a lot of scenes where he's looking up at the sky and contemplating freedom.

WOLF: Putting aside the propaganda about them being monsters that hunt livestock, they're seen as symbols of freedom, instinct, and the wild world. Bai Qi is often described as a wolf [CN Profile + Main Story 19-6].

To further support this, there were two distinct Mystery Wings event entries that referred to the sky too, one with yearning and the other with melancholy:

AMBER

The amber was illuminated by the sun and the sight of its transparent waves concealed a gentleness in their coolness.

She suddenly thought this amber was exactly like those eyes.

It was something that happened in late autumn.

She was walking in the hallway in front of the upper grades’ classes when her eyes unconsciously stopped on a certain classroom.

Shabby curtains blew in the breeze and, amongst them, there was a young man standing by the window and staring at the sky.

His features weren’t sharp, but a glimpse of an indifference and air which prevented people from getting close to him could be seen.

Light and shadow shone in both eyes. Those pure and clear eyes reflected the sunlight and it was as if they were luring travelers to that deep sea at the last stop of oblivion.

Those eyes glimmered far more than this amber.

BAI QI'S PIERCING

The face of the young man in the mirror was indifferent and there was a bruise beside his mouth. His hair, damp from the rain, stuck to his forehead. A dark shadow fell over those amber-like eyes.

He didn't find it painful the first time he put on earrings.

Instead, he felt exhilarated like whenever he raised his fists.

Bai Qi wiped at the blood around the edge of his piercing with his hand. The blood mixed with the crimson color on the back of his hand until a distinction couldn’t be made.

Rain, which fell increasingly harder, pounded at the window as if it were giving praise to a meaningless hero.

He quietly leaned against a wall and looked up at the dark sky.

Just how long would this rain continue for?

I posit that that Bai Qi and freedom are intrinsically linked. It's something he needs and is the bedrock of his character, much like his unwavering sense of justice. Does he get it? Yes! Like I mentioned above, he joined the special forces to separate from his dad.

But also, and what's most important, is that he finds freedom in making MC his home, his flag, and his convictions. If you don't have a place to call home then you're not roaming the world in freedom, you're just lost in the world.

I also like how this can be linked back to his wolf symbolism, because wolves are pack animals. Yes, the lone wolf imagery is romantic but lone wolves travel to find a place to belong because they tend to die when they're alone. "The strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."

In addition to being symbols of freedom, they're also charismatic symbols and social symbols. I feel like this also gets reflected by how inspiring Bai Qi is just from having an unwavering sense of justice. Han Ye and Gu Zheng's presence, and their respect for Bai Qi, reflect his charisma.

Admittedly, it's ironic that I love Bai Qi so much when one of my favorite poems, "For women who are 'difficult' to love" by Warsan Shire, has a line that goes "You can't make homes out of human beings". I'd understand if people who strongly agree with this sentiment don't find Bai Qi an interesting character, and that's a-okay!

But, and I can't stress this enough, we shouldn't deprive or devalue others of their life's choices if it's not actively harming others.

FREEDOM IS HER

For Bai Qi, MC represents his freedom because, without her, he wouldn't have a home to come back to and he'd be lost out in the world. Important things need to be reiterated.

[Endless Abyss SSR Beside You Call] Bai Qi returned from a mission but, instead of sleeping, the first thing he wants to do is go and pick up MC to send her to work.

[Brilliant Date] Bai Qi returns from a mission and, again, goes to see her immediately without returning home first because he made a promise.

[Loneliness SR Wind and Care Call] Bai Qi literally says "Because I have a place for my heart, I can fly anywhere."

Meanwhile, in one of the Mystery Wings event entries:

BAI QI'S BRACELET

Before Bai Qi went on a mission, he entrusted his own bracelet to her. She gripped his bracelet and prayed for his safety with a smile.

He looked at her and repeated the same words once, and then once more.

“Don’t worry. I’ll come back right away.”

Finishing his mission, he noticed he received calls and messages on his phone.

The city at dawn was still somewhat lonely.

He went to reply to the messages but, unlike before, he couldn’t find the words to say.

A night wind blew. Urged by that wind, he came to the window of her room as if possessed by something.

Illuminated by the faint moonlight, he could clearly see something shining in the corner of her eyes. Her brows were furrowed like she was having a nightmare.

His bracelet was firmly gripped in her hand.

Bai Qi recalled that fragile call history and messages and went to stand beside her. Then he gently wiped away the tears at her eyes with his hand.

“I’m sorry… I’m back.”

Look, I can't make it clearer that he goes to her because she's metaphorically his home. I'm also not going to repeat it here but if you look at my post about Bai Qi being in love, you'll see how much he focuses on MC in general because his being is attuned to her.

In a sense, Bai Qi is an extension of MC and it also supports how their sense of justice mirrors each other. Upholding good is engraved in their characters.

P-please, don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean he has no personality and has just built everything around her. He has hobbies on his own like basketball, tinkering with gadgets, growing succulents, treating injured animals, riding his motorbike, and astronomy.

Okay, the rest of this section is just going to be me gushing about the Mystery Wings event and the [Brilliant Date] that accompanies it because there was so much going on. First, let's tackle the date:

Ribbing about Bai Qi's naming sense and the play on words was lost in ENG. In CN the dove is called "Little White" which can be read "Little Bai", as in a small Bai Qi, because his name in CN has the character for white. This makes "Pearly" a literal symbol for Bai Qi, and they set the dove completely free at the end.

There's an exchange in this date where ENG goes "Does it mean I get your place?" and "I get your place. Now I give one back to you" but an interesting and cute thing here is that, in CN, the word he's using isn't as simple as just "giving". Bai Qi is specifically using a military word here that means "to occupy, intrude, or seize". He's such a nerd and it reflects his background LOL.

More on the above, because this uncommon verb is so interesting. It carries an aggressive connotation because it's implying military intrusion. The other person gives up all rights to their territory when you're occupying it. But Bai Qi gives the same rights to her for his room.

Freedom discussion and metaphors everywhere in this date, but when MC was talking about how all she needs is the wind and the sun (her monologue reveals that Bai Qi provides the wind and his presence beside her is her light) to feel freedom, Bai Qi never removes his eyes from her. He doesn't express his agreement or disagreement about what he thinks freedom is... he shows it with his actions of focusing his complete attention on her. She's his freedom!

Leaving the date now, I want to point out [Light Bath SSR: Tenderness Call] and how Bai Qi thinks he only shows his gentleness towards select people, for example his mother and MC. This is another mark of how he doesn't let anyone get close to him except for MC because he is her extension.

On that note, there is a reason I keep saying Bai Qi is MC's extension, but not that MC is his extension as well and that it's a two-way link. The reason I say this is, because, Bai Qi continues to need that freedom (MC) and yearns for that freedom (MC).

Below are four entries from the Mystery Wings event that showcase this longing for MC that Bai Qi experienced through high school, when his want for freedom was at its highest:

THE SECOND BUTTON

Life in high school came with romantic but illogical rumors. For example, things like if you confessed on the 7th step of the stairway in the corner of the 3rd floor then it’ll succeed, or if you carved your name and another person’s name on the 6th tree in the courtyard at the back then your misunderstandings will be resolved, of if a guy gave the girl he liked the second button of his uniform on graduation day then the two of them will end up happy together.

Generally, the guys acted as if they didn’t believe in these rumors, but they secretly held expectations inside their hearts.

But Bai Qi marked these all off as being stupid.

One day at lunch, a conversation between girls entered his ears.

“The rumors about the second button are romantic, aren’t they? Whoever gets one is sure to be happy~!”

There was a familiar voice mixed in amongst them. He glanced over abruptly and her face, full of yearning, leapt into his eyes.

“… Graduation, huh.”

He raised his head in thought. He suddenly couldn’t wait for graduation.

However, he didn’t give her the second button he tore off.

That button, together with a brisk air, was stored carefully inside a case.

PINK BANDAID

Bai Qi sat in the corner of the classroom. His lacked the spirit it had shown when he had been in the library.

He mussed his hair like he was at a complete loss and recalled how he had met her at the entrance of the library just now. Her startled and anxious expression floated into his mind.

“… Did I scare her again?”

After a while, Minor came bursting in.

"Bai Qi, Bai Qi!!!”

He waved the pink bandaid he was holding as if he was excited.

“This… Put this on!”

Bai Qi didn’t respond at all.

“She gave it!!”

Bai Qi startled when he heard those words and stared at the bandaid Minor was holding in a daze. The wound at his mouth stung. His fingers also prickled a little.

He carefully took that bandaid, treating it as if it was his world’s most precious treasure…

Later on, this pink bandaid was always taped on his heart and, every time he stepped into the swamp-like darkness of the night, it gave off a faint warmth.

GINGKO CHARM

After he learned about her identity, he went out personally to buy protection for her.

He desperately thought of a way to protect her.

Suddenly, when he saw a ginkgo leaf fall in front of him, a certain memory came back to his mind. The memory of that time when the wind blew and he was guided by the melody she played…

It was possible that, from that time on, they were bound tightly by a thread neither of them could see.

He decided to make her a ginkgo bracelet and made an effort to produce it day after day.

The small gold gingko leave brought trouble to him. The first three he made were all scratched and were a loss. On the fourth, he was finally able to make a perfect bracelet.

The sun had long hidden itself and the moon had appeared. Looking at the bracelet which shone faintly underneath the moonlight, he gave a satisfied smile.

He was sure she would like it.

PAST SCHOOL NEWSPAPER

There weren’t a lot of people who would seriously read something like the school newspaper. Notes were written on the underside of the paper’s surface, which wrote exaggeratedly about the awards of clubs and events within the school, and its fate was to be tossed into the garbage after being scribbled on all over.

Bai Qi also didn’t have much interest in the school newspaper.

On the rooftop, Minor bit into his bread and muttered as he stared at the school newspaper he happened to receive earlier.

“Honors student, huh… Bai Qi, you know, I also have good morals, I’m fit, my personality’s good, and my grades aren’t that bad. Maybe I can be the second honors student…”

Bai Qi didn’t respond and glanced over at the picture on the paper.

There, she was bashfully receiving an award on a stage with a happy smile.

“Honors student”… He digested those words in his heart and then stood up and headed towards the door.

“Bai Qi! Bai Qi! Are you going to a fight!? Please take me with you!”

“Class.”

“… Huh?”

I placed this newspaper one last because it also appeared last in the JP event and KOed me, but also reminded me of his [Love of My Life SSR] and how the CN version does not use plain "love" in the card's quote, and I go into more detail about this in my Bai Qi in Love post.

But, basically, the CN version uses a word that means "attachment or longing". It's a subtle difference because, yes, she is the love of his life but also his longing, desire, and aspiration. She keeps him in this world and is something he feels like he needs to strive towards.

I'm just going to bring up his 2019 birthday card, which ENG will be releasing this year, because there's this line that goes:

[CN Tide of Light SSR Chasing Dreams Date] "That year, I did want to give you that letter personally. But I gave myself a way out and left it up to luck. I knew that, at the time, I was still lacking a lot and so I decided that I had to meet you again with my best self."

THE PRICE OF FREEDOM

So, putting aside how one price is Bai Qi feeling like he needs to better himself, the other is that Papergames refuses to give us an easy happiness with this game and, as I mentioned in my Chinese archetype post, Bai Qi is a shoo-in for the Tragic Hero character.

The price exacted for trying to have this freedom is precisely that of his freedom. Unlike the other characters, he has a simple throughline because he literally doesn't care for anything but MC and his justice. Put in other words, he doesn't have anything to lose except MC and his sense of self.

And this is exactly what we see happen in the story:

[Chapter 12] was about losing MC and realizing that, despite all his intentions, perhaps HE is the one who will harm her and cannot protect her.

[Chapter 15] was about losing his sense of self, with another dose of fear of losing MC. Everything he thought he stood up for was a lie.

I might have mentioned elsewhere that it's tragic how he's constantly thrown into situations that try to break his principles. But, now that I'm thinking on this more, I think... he's actually giving up his principles of justice for the MC. Even more tragic is that he's also metaphorically letting his wings get clipped and losing his freedom to preserve MC's safety.

UGH, it's why his character is so tragic and why the end of [Main Story 15-24] was like an enormous blade being dropped on me when there was that descriptive line about how MC had never realized that the sight of someone being unable to stand upright could be so sorrowful.

Maybe I should have said that the price of preserving Bai Qi's home (MC) is his freedom and sense of justice being eroded.

Anyway, oops, I started this off to celebrate how amazingly gorgeous this event and date was and how much it developed Bai Qi's character. But then I just had to tie it back into all the angst LOL.