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#before it was social anxiety. which I still have
exculis · 2 years
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Do you guys think its possible that im creatively stifled because I have no real experiences and have essentially sat in the same room for 20 years only leaving to go to school or have a series of panic attacks bevause I am unsocialized like a feral dog. Do you think that might have anything to do with it.
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seariii · 7 months
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Ah.... My legs are shaking.... I think my hands are very slightly too...
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I’m always paranoid of my tumblr being deleted or malfunctioning or something like that someday, so here’s other places to find me/follow me, just in case lol
~ instagram - https://www.instagram.com/lucalicatte/
~ main youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/LucaLiCatte
~ games/sims youtube - https://www.youtube.com/@cloudycatte
~ facebook page (I rarely use this because I hate facebook but.. it at least allows text posts better than instagram does, so idk maybe I’d use it more if tumblr went away? lol) - https://www.facebook.com/cloudycatteart/
~ Other Links (stuff I don’t use often/isn’t Main enough to list here, like twitter, neopets, other tumblr sideblogs, youtube channels, etc.) are here - http://icewindandboringhorror.tumblr.com/otherlinks )
#An updated version of this since some of the links on the old one are no longer the same lol#I might make a website website one day (not with a custom domain since I'm not paying for that/dont have the money lol#but like a 'my name.weebly.com type thing lol) but I haven't had the time recently. If I ever get around to it I'll update the post and#reblog that version. ANYWAY.. I just like to have one of these written out to reblog every once in a while. During the once ever few months#when poeple are like 'tumblr is failing again! it wont survive!' which has happened like 80 times but I'm still always like :0c what if!#also love the ms paint art done with a mouse ghhj#ANYWAY.. also if you want to see the stinky game I made that's not actually related to my own worldbuilding really (why I have never#posted anything about it publilcy because it's like.. how do I talk about it lol) I have my itch.io linked in the 'other links' page#as well as my General Projects blog. which talks about all the ongoing and upcoming projects I want to do that are#actually set in my world and can give you previews of some of the things I'm working on. Currently resuming my Game after abandoning it#basically for the entire pandemic and a little before that - as mentioned before - so that's OUgh.. in terms of A Lot Of Work#Especially since while kind of 'revamping and updating' I want to add a few features which are mostly easy but every once in a while#I don't understand something and it's like....... hGGhh...... Ironically despite Blogging I just hate talking to people in public open foru#.. I love privacy and security lol.. and I always feel that ONE day I am going to have a question that has not already been asked on a foru#somewhere and I am going to have to post myself and.. no.. I shan't even imagine it.. It's not even really social anxiety it's just like..#efficiency.. instead of wating like days to get an accurate response and resolve the problem with the general public I would rather just ha#e a one time 30min conversation with an expert and resolve it quickly. PLUS then I also only interact with One stranger instead of Many Of#Them lol.. any 6+ yrs of experience Ren'py experts hmu so I can pay you like $50 to have a single 45min conversation#with me over an insanely simple question and then never talk to you again until a year later when I have a second question. hhjb#ANYWAY.. I still really don't like instagram or it's layout and I never understood how it works like.. if I should be tagging photos or wha#or how you really use it and I just... euGH... stimky.. but it is one of the most popular so I feel obligated to link it. I wish facebook w#sn't such a nasty poo poo because I do actually like the variety of posts you can make and how Pages on facebook operate. In the scense of#it being similar to tumblr that you can make a VARIETy of styles of post. not just Only Post Photos or Only Short Text or Only Video which#is still like.. how the funk does sutff like that even get popular lol.. the Limited nature.. hewwo.. but alas.. and NO way I'm touching#fucking Threads please do not make an account on there and don't let your friends do it and don't let that shit catch on lol.#BUT YEahg... links...... just in case.. i hope tumblr stays aroundin it's current format forever though lol..#I'm pretty sure even facebook doesn't have audio posts. or tags the way this does. or CHRONOLOGICAL FEED. custom html for pages.. aaaaa
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guinevereslancelot · 4 months
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how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)
#social anxiety kicking my ass so bad every day#unless my supervisor actually says hello you are doing an amazing job today and i dont hate you im like omg she hates me bc i suck......#miscounted the kids yesterday and left one on the playground for like two minutes and im still traumatized#she wasnt alone or anything there was another class w teachers but 😬🔫#killing myself killing myself killing myself#i counted them five times today tho#and the playground was empty which made it easier but ugh#infinitely better than my last job and im actually good at this but i still feel like my supervisor doesn't like me#even tho i think she's just a bit awk and has anxiety also lol#she was reading a book abt coping with anxiety the other day lol#also my other coworker w the drama likes me but the drama is always threatening to happennagain bc she doesnt like our supervisor#anyway#my mentor just got here before lunch for her half day shift so i feel better but aaaaa#way less stressful than my last job tho and im grateful but very stressed lately#also the owner of the school was in the room im taking lunch for a while and im like omg she's gonna be annoyed that im here#she's gonna judge me for having a chocolate bar like a shitty spoiled young person or whatever and listening to music bc im rude#i need to calm down fr#she complained abt lazy inconsiderate young people at my job interview so now im paranoid abt every interaction w her lmao#bc i am a lazy oblivious young person and also i took a sick day my first week which is what she was complaining abt said young people doing#but i legitimately was throwing up i Had to call out#that's life in child care#but ughhhh#i was determined not to bc this is a job where they expect you to come in even if ur sick#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it#anyway.#normal adult experience#doctor who told my mom i was high functioning i want our money back
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perilegs · 10 months
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every time i try to do something scary on purpose for my social anxiety the universe decides to add in unexpected situations 😔
#i was supposed to go pick up a package and then i was like. ok wait. ive gotten good at buying something while pickiing a package up. what#if i also buy stamps#bc you have to ask the cashier for those (same as with the package)#and it was just at my cornerstore so it's a safe nonscary environment#well. as not-scary as any store can be.#but. there were a lot of ppl there. which! i thought would be fine bc the line was still relatively short but. what happened was that they#opened another register.#and i was queuing for the reguster that had stamps and handles packages#and i would have loved to stay at the queue. but. only one person went to the queue of the new register. so there were 2 ppl in line before#me. one already had their stuff on the conveyor belt and the other was about to put their stuff there too#and the person who went to the other register only had like 2 things to buy. so. it was me. in line behind 2 people. versus an almost#empty register. so. i had to switch to the free register before the cashier had the time to b like 'there's a free register here!'#bc i don't have a script for hearing that and saying 'no' !!!#so i just. switched over and bought my snacks. leaving the store with no package and no stamps.#bc if i hadnt i would have had to say something i dont have a social script for and probably stumbled on my words and gone red and dizzy#which. not ideal.#and this sucks ass bc all i really needed was one (1) success in a social situation#bc this week has been kicking my ass social anxiety wise#usually when i go and get coffee from a coffeeshop they dont ask me shit and just make my order to regular milk which. ok. i dont have an#allergy or anything. i just think plant alternatives taste better in coffee#but this week. i got asked 'do you want that in regular milk?' and i was not expecting that#so i was like 'yes please 😊' and drank my grossly milky coffee dreaming about what i could have had#and that happened TWICE#after the first time i did think about it and decide i could have said 'do you have oat milk or something' and then the barista#could have either said yes or no and both of those would b easy to answer#but instead of asking if they have oat milk i just said yes. again.#can you guys imagine some people speak without being scared#some people even go to the store without feeling even an ounce of fear. imagine#leevi talks
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liebelesbe · 1 year
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hrm i need a different therapist i think
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I am not having a good time rn
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nexus-nebulae · 2 years
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yearning has gotta be the worst emotion ever invented why do i gotta want things that are physically impossible for me to achieve
#this isn't even about things like species dysphoria or missing source even#this is about me having too much anxiety to Participate In Literally Anything#like i can't even send messages in a twitch stream chat it's that bad#like... i'm realizing more and more recently how severe and disabling my anxiety is#i knew it was bad before but it just suddenly decided to fuck me over forever i guess#but like- if i were to sum up every social interaction i have in the span of. let's say a week#even counting interactions that most people would overlook like with cashiers and stuff#i talk to Exactly Two People regularly#and post on here which is literally The Only Social Media I've Ever Used#and i see maybe three or four cashiers or other forms of Employee for short public interactions#and that's IT. absolutely and totally it#i don't work so i don't have coworkers to see. i never even FINISHED school so i don't have classmates either#i literally only speak to my mother and one irl friend#and i'm even anxious around them a decent amount of the time like nobody is spared from my chronic unending Fear Of People#it's just they're the few people i can manage to stamp down my anxiety just enough that i'm not completely frozen and mute#and i can actually manage to take down Some masks around them#i only talk so much on tumblr because it feels less like Talking To People or specifically being social#it's just writing down random thoughts and if someone else stumbles across them that's their problem#i mean. fuck a lot of the time i refuse to leave the house because i'm too anxious to talk to *walmart employees*#aka the people least likely to judge me in any situation. nobody judges anyone at walmart anything goes there#i mean. people sure probably Judge but. still walmart is not a place of honour and dignity
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orcelito · 2 years
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Great to know my mind can still break by someone standing a Little too close to me for a Little too long
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astrxealis · 2 years
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i miss the times back in shadowbringers. don’t get me wrong i love how things are in endwalker but there was just ?? something so magical about shb to me ???
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚#just being afk with my fc mates or in the shb places and man. man.#going through enw msq is amazing! 6.0 made me so incredibly emotional and i owe a lot to it for helping me get thru my uh... despair#and the patches really feed into those brainrotting parts of me head. and the new content is super cool and ohh the stories of the side stuf#but i still prefer the fantasy of shb compared to enw. and the rest of ffxiv tbh. and the whole of ff. it is just so yeah to me ???#and. and. it was just SUCH an experience and everything about it means so much to me!#ffxiv has helped me with anxiety and social anxiety and issues like depression and it. helped me make friends again and even now#i make friends because of ffxiv and some people i have met because of this game mean so much to me and it brings my other friends together#too and the story is just everything to me and ffxiv just. yeah#social life kinda dipped a bit b4 i got so absorbed into ffxiv and sometimes i see that summer of 2021 as unhealthy but also??#it wasn't like i had friends at that time eitherway bcs i fell out w my irls and then online friends so. ffxiv really really helped#and then i reconnected w my irls and then wow. the world is so beautiful and so silly with the way it brings people together!#sorry this kinda turned into tmi but also wow i should make a proper text or sorts as an appreciation to ffxiv bcs i've been meaning to#for a long time now. i want to write a text and then a story (both! they are different to me) and then a video. yeah#and i want to do all this before 7.0 :) which is pretty soon tbh... in a year or two or so? wow#these next years will be very important for my future so idk if i'll be active w ffxiv but i really want to be!#so i'll improve myself and my schedule and all that i do ^___^#idk man ffxiv just really helped me a lot and i feel bad a bit for feeling so much at times but#it really helps knowing i'm not alone. and those much older than me also feel the same! it's really nice#a central theme of ffxiv (endwalker in particular) is that you aren't alone and that shit really hits man. i think everyone should#try to experience ffxiv's story but people also have different preferences and all and that's fine but#i hope i can find people who are like me frfr! and keep those who are close to me <3 hehe
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lonesomenecromancer · 21 days
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okay but like seriously what is going on with me. what is my problem. am i autistic. chat am i autistic
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steviescrystals · 4 months
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ignore this post i’m just whining again
#i HATE being new with a passion like it is one of the most uncomfortable situations for me to be in#i had extreme social anxiety as a kid (still do i’ve just learned how to manage it better) that had a huge impact on me in school#i switched schools 3 times between the ages of 5 and 10 and tbh i made friends pretty quickly every time#but i was still so indescribably anxious every time bc i just hated being the new kid so much#and i thought that was all behind me bc at the time it was bc i didn’t know anyone and everyone else already had friends#but as i’ve gotten older that same feeling has come back and this time it’s when i’m starting at a new job instead of a new school#i started working when i was 16 and for the first month or two i was so stressed and uncomfortable all the time#and i thought it was normal bc it was my first job ever#which was reinforced when i was 19 and got another job and the adjustment period was a million times better#but i started working there 2 weeks after the business opened so literally everyone was new not just me#and now i’m realizing that was probably the only reason i settled in so easily#bc now i’ve started another job and i’m right back to feeling incredibly anxious whenever i’m there and it’s driving me crazy#like everything’s been super easy so far and it’s the exact same type of work i was doing before so i already know what i’m doing#and everyone i’ve met has been nice and chill but i’m still so uncomfortable#like every time i talk to my coworkers i’m just thinking ‘oh my god this is so awkward’ the whole time and i can’t stop#and i just feel so out of place and it sucks bc i was so excited about this job and rn i just feel so anxious every time i go to work#and the worst part is i felt the same way when i was new at my first job and (to a lesser extent) my second job#so logically i know it’s just bc it’s my first week and it takes time to adjust and it’ll be fine eventually#but knowing that doesn’t make the feeling go away or help me deal with it#like what can i do besides just accepting that work is going to suck for the next month??#the whole thing is just kind of making me spiral bc i desperately needed a new job and this is literally the only one i wanted#but at the same time i’m still so upset about getting laid off from my last job even though it’s been 3 months#and the more anxious i feel at this new job the more i miss my old job#and i cannot allow myself to fall back into the headspace i was in for all of march after losing that job#maybe this is irrational bc it was just a job but the layoff genuinely sent me into one of the worst depressive episodes of my life#so idk i guess i was just really hoping i would love this job right away so i could finally see a bright side to getting laid off#and i mean i don’t have any complaints about the job so far but my anxiety is just making me so unhappy anyway#and i just miss my old job so much and i think about it nonstop and i really fucking hate being new and idk what else to say or do#vent#lj.txt
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fulokis · 1 year
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I got added to a book group and I’m not sure why, like I struggle so badly with reading it’s not funny. Maybe it’s cause I write but like even then it’s not original shit it’s just piggybacking on other stuff and I haven’t posted any of it in ages
#I’m confused#like I like feeling included and shit but like also I don’t understand what possessed them to add me#I kinda wonder if it was their our friend and we don’t want to keep secrets sorta thing#which is nice and all but like I’m totally okay with not being in it#also it’s some people I’ve never talked to so like it’s exhausting enough having met a new online friend this week much less three#idk i might lurk but I honestly am confused by the social interaction#also I typed she for myself and I wanted to throw my phone#it’s cause they don’t know I’m nb and I’m not sure they’d understand#also I find it so much easier to get along with guys than girls so like there’s that#and the more I think about this paired with the videos on autism I was watching today the more it seems likely#I just still hesitate to self diagnose because of past experiences self diagnosing with depression and anxiety#like I was literally told if it’s not by a doctor it’s not valid by my then best friend#just for the bitch years latter to come to me and say I understand what you meant about the depression#my best friend now tho when I brought up the possibility of autism was like yeah I can see it#although her adhd ass still gets annoyed when I’m too low energy to even socialize with her#I really need to find a therapist but first a doctor because I’m about to run out of meds#like technically a psychiatrist would be able to do that too but it was originally my doctor who did so that’s going to be less painful#that is if I can figure that shit out#all I know is it won’t before my meds run out
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ybklix · 3 months
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𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦
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★ pairing: neighbor!chan x fem!reader
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✦summary: You have a new life, in your dream apartment in the big city, your life is quiet, but suddenly your incredibly handsome neighbor across the door, Chan, decides to take you out of your comfort zone, you can't get him out of your head and you really plan to do something about it.
✭ genre - warnings: MDNI 18+, smut, fluff, fingering, masturbation, dry humping, oral sex, unprotected sex, creampie, videotape, cunnilingus, use of nicknames, slight dirty talk, aftercare.
word count: 7.7k
╰ ⋆⭒˚.⋆ masterlist - taglist forms
୧ ‧₊˚request by anon₊ ˚⊹♡
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divider by qqmariztwsse
You admired the place, happy, the movers did all their work, now you only had to unpack and arrange your new apartment, you had been dreaming of moving to a bigger and different city for a year now, you talked to your parents and siblings just for emotional support, and there they all were now. Your mother, your sister and brother, who were going to spend the first night with you.
The four of them decided to walk around the city for a while, eating and enjoying all the scenery and endless places you could just walk and walk to. You arrived late and exhausted to your new apartment, where only your sister wanted to stay one more night, your mother and brother had to go back to your hometown, where they all still lived, where you previously lived already alone as well.
“I'm going to be fine” you said to your mother as you felt her hug you tighter as you said goodbye, her big breasts crushing yours.
“Oh I know dear but now I have to catch a flight to see you, I'm not used to it” your mother said, in a high pitched tone as she pulled away from you.
No matter what, you would always be her baby, you were the youngest among your siblings, of which you had a very cute and close relationship with. You were always a bit overprotected being the youngest, you openly talk about things that cause you anxiety and you are a bit sensitive although you never express it as such, you like to make jokes and be sarcastic about it, you have a personality��� quiet and quite relatable to others, that's why you create content videos on Youtube, mainly there you started, but you are in all your social media and you are something like a microcelebrity. That's why you could afford to live in the city of your dreams, in the apartment of your dreams and you were grateful.
Your mother and brother left, boarding that plane and you and your sister returned to your apartment where she kindly helped you unpack.
“I'll go check to see if I have my own mail space yet” you notified your sister, to which she shouted from afar okaaay.
And you walked out of your apartment, where as you crossed the hallway to the front, you found a male silhouette about to enter his apartment, for some reason you stopped a little to see him, wearing a suit with his jacket in his hand and his white button up shirt rolled up in his strong arms, he was handsome, you thought. He turned to see you too, smiled at you realizing you were his new neighbor and whispered kindly:
“Hi.”
His voice was thick and attractive, his appearance masculine, you suddenly felt in some type of way….
“Hi” you replied kindly smiling.
And before he could say anything else, you hurried your step to the end of the corridor, leaving. You didn't know how to react, you didn't expect to find a handsome man in front of your door while you were messily unpacking your entire apartment. He let out a chuckle when he saw your reaction but you didn't hear it.
[…]
“Agh, Y/N, I forgot my cell phone on the counter,” your sister said, already in the hallway, with her things ready to grab the cab downstairs to accompany her to the airport.
You rolled your eyes, looking for her phone but it wasn't where she had indicated, you got frustrated, the cab was waiting for you, and angrily said to her,
“Where is it? It's not here!”
But you received no answer, your sister ran into your neighbor across the hall, who was about to go out to do some shopping, she instantly smiled at him seeing that he was also handsome and your neighbor was as enchanted with your sister as he was with you. You on the other hand went to the bathroom, where your sister had previously been, finding her phone.
“We have to go now…” you said, locking your apartment and you were perplexed to see your handsome neighbor again.
He smiled downward at you, pressing his lips together, he had to admit that you were both pretty, but there was something about you that caught his attention more.
“He tells me you haven't introduced yourself” your sister spoke, looking down at the broad shouldered build of your neighbor and then back up at you.
“Well, I also just arrived recently for work. I'm Bang Chan, your neighbor” he let out a nervous chuckle, causing you to shiver, a good shiver.
You stared at him and greeted him with waving your hand, telling him your name followed by, nice to meet you.
“I think, you were about to leave so, I see you around” he said again.
You nodded and left with your sister, who was dying to talk and didn't until you got in the cab.
“Oh my god, he's really hot, you should go after him, if he doesn't have a girlfriend of course” your sister commented animatedly.
“Stop saying bullshit please” you replied, unwilling to continue the conversation.
The point was… you had never dated before, you were too picky and your love life was non-existent, but you liked being that way, staying at home with your cats, you even made money from complaining about how there is no one to get your attention, expressing it in your videos where thousands of girls around the world found you so real for speaking your truth. You just made your silly little vlog videos or anything creative you could think of, at the moment you were working on filming your move.
Your sister left, you stayed around the city until it got dark and you returned to your new home, you had to feed your cats and clean their litter, but to your surprise, you once again found Chan taking the elevator at the same time. He smiled tenderly at you as you both were about to press the button, he let you do it and you waited, until you both got in alone.
“I guess we're always going to bump into each other now” he said again with his typical soft chuckle.
“Yeah, well, same building, same floor” you said nervously, really with zero idea what to say.
“Did you move into the building or in the city in general?” he asked, so curious to hear from you.
“From the city” you answered, looking straight ahead and only occasionally glancing at him out of the corner of your eye.
The elevator doors opened, he let you out first and you stepped into your hallway.
“Well, if you need someone to show you around the city or help in any address, you know I'm in front of your door” he said, sweetly but something about his voice sounded so inviting, the way he spoke and that the vein in his neck stood out a little.
“Thank you” you told him shyly and walked into your apartment.
You couldn't help but smile… after so long you thought to yourself if, a crush, a fling of whatever with your hot neighbor would be worth it.
[…]
All the rest of the night you unpacked everything, almost finishing your apartment, you were tired but it was a nice spring day that you didn't decide to waste, so you went out to walk for a while, feel the sun on your skin, and feel again the minimal realization that there is a civilization outside, since last night you haven't stopped thinking about Chan, you even imagined how his apartment would be decorated by the way he was dressed, simple and in black. You imagined so many things, even his age, what zodiac sign he might be, everything. You hadn't felt this way about someone in a long time.
And, still in his apartment, Chan's younger sister put him in charge of taking care of the family dog, since no one would be home and she took advantage of the fact that her brother would be staying in the city for his job, so she left her with him. Chan greeted and petted the dog with affection and wanted to take her for a walk.
You arrived at the park near the block from the building and craved an ice cream, you felt the presence of more people but didn't take any notice, until when you asked, a familiar voice appeared behind you, sounding so sonorous that it rumbled your insides.
“Make it two, please” said that voice, you turned to see him.
It was Chan, you smiled at him, his skin glowed brighter as he wore all black and you noticed he had a cute dog on a leash, you honestly thought you saw it coming, he looked like an energetic guy who liked dogs more, you enjoyed the company of cats more, but you forgave him anything.
You quickly confirmed to the guy that it would be two ice creams so that he would take Chan's order as well. And, as he handed over the ice creams, he hurried to say.
“Can you hold them please, I'll pay” he said quickly, extending the money to the employee.
You couldn't even deny it when the clerk was already ready to give him the change when Chan said again, “Leave it like that, thank you.”
You walked a few steps from the ice cream cart, narrowing your eyes because you were bothered by the sun, still watching him, licked from your ice cream before it melted and said in a happy tone, “Thank you.”
“Oh it's nothing, it's just ice cream.”
“We meet again” you repeated amused, this time more relaxed and less shy.
“Yeah, well, same park near the building” he said, with a smile responding the same way you did last night.
You smiled back at him as you continued eating from your ice cream, as sweet, soft and refreshing as Chan's unexpected arrival, he looked like a cute guy.
“You have a dog?” you said to him, this time cooperating so that he picked up on the signals that you wanted to talk to him.
He looked at Berry, his little dog.
“Ahh yes, she's Berry, she's family, she doesn't live in my apartment but my sister let me borrow her to take care of her today.”
Uh, he has a sister, must be nice guy, you thought.
“I have two cats” you blurted out suddenly, blushing as you felt his gaze after he's seen the dog, “Their names are Edward and Lorelai. Berry is, a very cute dog” you said again, nervous.
You bent down to stroke his soft dog's fur with your free hand and stood up again.
Chan laughed, watching you, finding you incredibly adorable and began to walk slowly as you followed, “Edward and Lorelai?” asked Chan with a smile at hearing such names for cats.
“For Edward Cullen from Twilight and Lorelai Gilmore from The Gilmore Girls” you added, quickly and obviously, but you were a little shaken, you hadn't had an encounter with a cute boy in years.
Chan looked at you with admiration and amusement. You felt like you were in a movie walking with the attractive man in the park who bought you ice cream. Chan didn't take his eyes off you and without stopping laughing, and to have all those references, he thought you must have been young, you looked young, but living on your own in the city? Chan didn't know what it was exactly but he wanted to know more about you, he liked you since he first saw you, you looked just like today, a sunny, but not oppressive sun, spring day, with the green trees and the birds singing.
“I like cats too,” he replied, “But because of my work I travel a lot and it's hard for me to leave them home alone.”
“What do you do for a living…?” you asked without trying to be so obvious as you sat down on an available bench.
“I'm a stylist and creative director” he replied.
At this point you were so nervous you were about to finish your ice cream. You decided to play with him a little, to lighten the mood.
“Stylist in that outfit?” you joked.
Chan laughed genuinely at your comment, he looked and dressed so normal, all in black with a cap and sneakers and called it a day. You could notice his curls under his cap.
“You might be surprised how well I dress people.”
“Mmm who have you dressed?” you asked amused only to continue the conversation.
“It's usually celebrities, and occasionally rich people, I've worked for Jungkook, T-…”
You gasped in surprise which stopped Chan in his tracks.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to react like that, it's just, I don't believe you, you're fucking with me, right?”
Chan raised an eyebrow at your comment in such confidence, without wiping off his smile, his cheeks hurt from being with you so much.
“Are you a fan of his?”
“Oh no, just, everyone knows how great he is.”
“Well it's true...” he answered and you saw him go to his cell phone deftly looking for something.
He handed it to you, pictures of him sizing up the celebrity he had just mentioned and putting a jacket over him as proof, you opened your mouths in surprise that you are meeting a man who has direct contact with celebrities. You handed him back his phone.
“I work for specific brands or clients, that's why I travel, I work for Jennie Kim, Troye Sivan, that kid that's everywhere mmm, Olivia Rodrigo, Timothe Ch…”
Your heart stopped and your smile faded for a moment as he called Olivia Rodrigo a kid, you were pretty sure you were pretty close to her age… you wondered how old he could be. You also thought that looking like that, there was no way he wasn't dating a celebrity.
“Okay I got it, now you're just bragging” you replied amused to which he loved the way you teased him, “I think it's great” you said happily, “And also as a creative director?”
“Yes, I direct videos, I give concepts to artists, I usually work a lot for the K-pop world, that's why I'm hardly ever home.”
You looked at him closely, you were excited to meet an art-oriented person who was expert and passionate about what he does, someone intellectual who stimulated your inner self.
“If you dressed Jungkook, what the hell are you doing living in that apartment? I assume you can get something better” you joked again never to end the conversation.
You had already finished your ice cream and your hands were restless not knowing where to settle. Chan laughed again, showing his peculiar dimples, he kept laughing with you close by.
“I've lived in the building for a while now, it's cozy and a very nice place, isn't it?”
You nodded, “It's a nice place…”
“Besides…” he began to say apologetically, tilting his head a little and showing a full smile “it's a magical place full of surprises, just like your new arrival.”
You looked into his eyes and admired every part of him, unable to think that he had said your arrival was a magical surprise. Chan had already finished his ice cream, but he thought there was nothing sweeter that left his mouth like meeting you on a nice sunny day.
“So… you'll be staying here in the city?” you added curiously, since he mentioned he was hardly home, worrying you.
“Yes, at the moment I'm here working from home, I just came back from a business trip; but as soon as my client calls me, I have to go wherever they are” you saw him a little disappointed, promptly thinking that he constantly has to leave, until he spoke bringing you out of your trance, “And you… what do you do for a living?” he asked softly and incredibly attentive to what you had to say.
Your smile faded a little… it wasn't something you said out loud, you felt a little embarrassed but more so when he had a cool job and you… made videos for the internet.
“I make videos…” you said unsurely.
He raised his eyebrow, scared deep down that they weren't adult types of videos, he had nothing against it, but as someone as pretty and young as you, he couldn't help but feel disappointed if that's what it is, since he currently found himself so many girls making money from it.
“You edit videos?” he asked, somewhat alerted.
“Yes that too, well… I'm a YouTuber, not something I'd say proudly after hearing your amazing work history, but I also paint and sell my paintings and, I'm simply inclined to art, but for a living, videos on the internet. I'm also inclined to acting, I currently take online classes but since I'm in the city I really want to try my hand at an academy; you know everyone who thinks they're celebrities these days wants to put out music but I seriously think it's not my forte, I prefer something else” you blurted out suddenly, nervously trying to divert him from the main topic.
Chan laughed tenderly as he carried Berry to put her in the middle of you. He thought you were cute the way you wanted to excuse yourself, and almost sighed in relief that you hadn't been what he maliciously thought.
“That's very good, seriously, you can tell me you're a tiktoker and I'll understand, they make a lot of money nowadays” Chan joked.
You laughed, blushing that maybe it wasn't the kind of woman he was looking for, putting little part of her life on the internet. But you had him completely captivated, he couldn't deny it.
“So what do you do?” he said, you raised your eyebrows, “What do you tape?”
“Mmm little vlogs, things I come up with…”
“And what do you paint?” you looked at him surprised, that among your meaningless chatter, he did pay attention to you.
“Little flower paintings, I don't know, cute things” you laughed.
Cute things like you, wanted to say Chan out loud.
“And how can I find you?”
You widened your eyes in panic, but still told him sweetly, “Literally my name, just like that, I hope I show up.”
Chan stared at you for a while, so happy to have some time to relax.
“I'd love to direct a video, give you some ideas” Chan spoke slowly and seductively, not knowing what he was saying clearly, he just knew he was suddenly lost on you.
“I'd love to share your ideas…” you replied in the same way.
“I'd also love for us to go somewhere else but… I'm taking care of Berry” he mentioned, caressing her, you saw his big, masculine hands, surprising you a little, “Would you like to… have dinner at my place?”
You wanted to open your mouth in surprise, for the first time you would be going alone to a man's apartment, but you just nodded softly.
“You cook?” you asked, Chan nodded, “I also love to cook and bake” you said proudly.
He looked at you tenderly.
[…]
The evening progressed with more talk with Chan, getting to know him more and more, and of a delicious dinner he prepared. You were delighted, you were supposed to start shooting more content today but there was nothing better than spending the night in his apartment and, his decor was just as you imagined it, neutral colors, modern design and all tidy, the place smelled good, he smelled good, everything around him looked like a dream.
He came to drop you off at your door, balancing on your heels on the door frame, so close to him and admiring every part of his face, his cute little eyes, his full lips, you felt like you were in your own little rom-com. Chan leaned against your door frame, unwilling to let you go.
“Do you… want to see Edward and Lorelai?” you said nervously to which he nodded softly with a smile.
Chan watched you, you looked so cute to him that he wanted to squeeze your cheeks and shower you with kisses, but he just said yes to every little thing you said.
Your cats were in your cat tree, you let Chan pass by, who slyly watched your whole apartment.
“Orange one is Edward.”
Chan approached your cats, you had a cute Halloween combination, orange and black, who antipathetic and yet alert let themselves be petted, after he spoke to them in a high pitched tone, with tenderness. He came up to you.
“They're very cute, just like you” he said and your cheeks grew warm, you blushed so often with him, you hated it when your body reacted like that, “Do you mind if… tomorrow we go to the park on a picnic or something?”
You frowned, hard to believe what he was saying but you agreed.
“Goodnight, Chan” you said goodbye to him.
Within half an hour Chan had started following you on Instagram where to your surprise you found that he had more than twice as many followers as you and his feed was as sleek and tidy as he was, filled with celebrities he worked for and the occasional photo of him; he for his part was delighted with the cute and cuddly side you showed your life on social media and, you also noticed that he had bought the 10 paintings you had for sale on your website.
[…]
“You bought all my paintings” was the first thing you said to him when you saw him.
Chan's smile got bigger, “I had to, they were really good, you can help me put them in my apartment.”
You looked at him, not sure what he was up to but you just knew you were quickly falling for him.
You both went to the park.
“All right, you paint Berry and I'll paint… you have to choose between Edward or Lorelai to paint them” Chan spoke.
You were both on your date, on a picnic he planned, you had had this kind of outing with your girlfriends but not with a boy, this was definitely your kind of date. You looked at Chan, who was still looking all manly with his strong legs showing in his shorts despite doing soft and sweet activities.
You sighed in surprise, “You can't make me choose between two of my children.”
Chan laughed, “Okay, I'll paint them both and then we'll show each other our paintings at the same time.”
You nodded, “Show me a picture of Berry.”
“And you of your cats.”
Amid laughter, chatter and complicit glances, you finished your works, showing them. Chan's painting was good, not the best, they were a little crooked, but it was nice and you appreciated it and yours, truly and effortlessly you had excelled, Chan looked at you with admiration as he praised your work, no doubt you were someone worth getting to know more.
You spent the day together, he walked you around the city and as you were united walking side by side in your wide hallway of the building, he said to you:
“What's a movie that you can watch over and over again without getting tired and... would you like to see it in my apartment?”
The next thing you knew you were having your first movie night date with a man, since he wasn't a boy. Slowly you brought your bodies together and shortly after the middle of the movie you couldn't help but admire him a little, his pronounced side in profile, his strong arms; you wondered if you should kiss him or would you look like an easy girl, you had just met him but you weren't much of a fan of the slow burn, at least not in real life, that could stay on TV and books, you wanted Chan now.
Chan licked his lips and noticed that you didn't stop looking at him and slowly turned to see you, you abruptly averted your gaze in embarrassment. Chan sighed and moved closer to you, making you more tense, not because it made you uncomfortable, but because you really liked him and suddenly your body was acting weird. You stopped paying attention to the movie and only thought about the time and the anxiety that was slowly consuming you, you wanted to kiss him but you didn't know how to get closer, you wanted to taste his lips to check your fantasies that he really had it all and kissed well.
Chan noticed it instantly, your nervous body, your light sighs, he was going to take a chance and if you rejected him, at least it would be worth it.
He came close to your ear and his plan wasn't to sound this seductive, he still said it in that tone, “It's obvious you're not paying attention to the movie, why don't you better come and pay attention to me.”
You almost moaned loudly at what he said, it was so cringe, it was so fucking sexy it worked for you, coming from him everything worked.
You turned to look at him.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” he asked.
You nodded without measuring anything that was happening, you just watched his slightly illuminated face for the TV light and move closer to yours and suddenly you met his lips, Chan started to move them over yours, you tasted the softness and how smoothly his fleshy lips were, then slowly he moved closer to you, when you unintentionally held onto his shirt, he started to kiss you deeper, his prominent nose colliding with your face, both breathless but unable to stop, addicted to the feel of each other until you broke apart.
“Come here” Chan whispered to you taking you by the waist and inviting you to sit on him for which you complied.
You let yourself fall into his lap with your body facing him, your legs beside his thighs, as you wrapped around his neck, ready to return to your sizzling make out session. This time Chan kissed you more desperately and excitedly, groping your whole body and tasting your tongue, at this point you were already so wet, his big hand stroking your body and the exquisite sounds of his lips colliding and his altered breathing made you so hot.
And that's when, as you let your body fall slightly, you felt his notorious, throbbing erection in your center, you were shocked, you didn't know whether to stop or continue but you didn't want to stop kissing him and you were getting more and more turned on. You separated, you saw his swollen, reddish lips and an expression on his face that you had never seen before, it was his usual look of tenderness combined with dark desire. Chan couldn't take it anymore and in a thick voice whispered:
“Should we continue this… or do you want to stop?”
You bit your lip, if you stopped there was nothing good in return, just you going to your apartment embarrassed and with your panties wet, yet you were so curious about what might happen if you didn't stop. You nodded and he looked at you confused.
“We should… continue” you sighed.
Chan smiled and kissed you again, running his hands down your back, this time under your blouse, unhooking your bra. You pulled away from him a little terrified and excited and let him remove your clothes, he brushed his lips down your neck until he reached your breasts where he sucked them hard, causing you to moan, but Chan wanted to make you feel so good that he was only going to focus on you and your pretty moans, so he had to take good care and treat your bottom area very well.
He pulled away from you and stared at you as he unbuttoned your shorts and then slid his big hand down and started stroking your clit over your panties with his long fingers. You gasped again, ecstatic and happy to be attended. You kissed again as between sighs you felt the satisfaction of his fingers rubbing your spot, you were enjoying it but it only made you wetter and needier and that Chan saw it reflected in your awkward but passionate kisses and your constant moans.
“C'mon sweetie, take off his shorts so I can touch you better” he whispered to you, “Gonna make you cum.”
With your breath hitching and heart racing, you heeded him, quickly standing up and removing your tiny shorts to sit on his lap again, this time your wet center feeling the stiffness of his cock. Chan gasped, you raised your ass a little and he wrapped his arm around your ass, sliding your folds aside with his hands and seeking your entrance, pulling the fabric of your panties aside, he stroked you a little, sliding all your wetness down your hole and inserted two of his slick, long fingers into your soft walls. You gasped, it felt so good to have your pussy filled.
“Oh, that's it dear, you feel so good, do you like it?” groaned Chan sweetly to you in a whisper which you whimpered in response.
Chan started to ram you with his fingers making you let out soft little whimpers, it felt so good, you could hear the wetness of your pussy being fucked, you were a little embarrassed to be so wet but you couldn't control it, your body was going crazy for Chan, as he enjoyed your sweet sounds coming out of your mouth and how choked his cock was in his denim shorts, he loved feeling the tightness inside you with the wetness of your pussy slipping on his fingers and, in a gasp and shudder, you felt your orgasm filling your body, spilling onto Chan's fingers and dripping onto his clothes.
You were beginning to feel ashamed, when you felt Chan's hands grip your waist tightly and cling to his cock as he bit his lip.
“Oh, you're so fucking sweet, c'mon” he moaned, moving your ass with his grip around his cock, squeezing it.
You turned on again in seconds and you understood everything, the heat of the moment took the best of you and you unbuttoned his shorts, being you now the one who put her hand in his crotch, feeling his wide hard cock over his boxers, you were surprised, you squeezed and caressed, trying to reach his tip but it was a bit difficult to which Chan helped you a bit to pull them down, finally seeing his prominent package and his dripping precum on his clothes.... once again you acted out of desire and lust and pulled down his underwear, revealing his member so highly visually appealing and large, you began to stroke it, and instantly turned to look at Chan, who was panting in pleasure. Once again you were so aroused, you wanted to do so many things but you just limited yourself to positioning his cock between your folds and start rubbing yourself on it, rubbing your soaking wet pussy through the feel of the fabric of your panties, while Chan revelled in the sensation with soft mmm's and you held tightly around his neck, and between kissing, fondling and Chan's stimulation of your breasts with his mouth, tongue and lips, the sizzling act brought you both to orgasm.
Both of your bodies trembled, Chan whimpered an “Oh, fuck” and you felt his throbbing sex and warm cum shoot between your folds.
Both of you had heavy breathing and suddenly you fell to realize what you had done, once again the heat now took over your cheeks and you tried to hide in Chan's neck; he smiled broadly and noticed your reaction.
“It's okay, princess, look at me, hey, it was beautiful, I loved it” he said sweetly, trying to get your attention.
You looked into his eyes in sorrow and he confessed in a whisper close to your lips, “Is it wrong that... I just met you but I feel I like you a lot? I'll take you on every cute date so we can get to know each other better.”
[...]
And so, after that night began a frantic story between you and your neighbor Chan, who was a little older than you and a mature man with his life and goals set, but he loved to do little things with you and help you and then have a fiery scene of making out and touching, you love to caress his hair every time you kissed him and he liked to help you in recording content and he would tell you how he was going to help you to offer you more work with recognized brands and, as days went by there was this afternoon, where he helped you and was there watching you recording, you were a little embarrassed but little by little you got used to it, and for some reason, your outfit consisted of a very short white plaid skirt, which drove Chan crazy in seconds.
He watched you attentively, sitting on your couch watching every little shot you made with your phone, you were completely dressed up while Chan was comfortable in his sportswear and black sleeveless shirt attached to his worked and muscular body, he was crazy about your short skirt revealing a little bit of your ass and how pretty you looked, while you were messed up seeing his biceps and marked pecs.
You finished recording your silly video, feeling embarrassed having Chan's heavy gaze on you the whole time as he smiled downwards at you and hugged one of your couch cushions, finally he stood up and walked over to you, unable to control his urges and placed his hands on your waist exposed by your short top. You raised your gaze slightly and smiled at him, he wordlessly moved closer to you to kiss you which you accepted by wrapping your arms around his neck.
“That little skirt is kind of dangerous, I feel lucky to see it on you before all your followers” Chan whispered to you, his hands moving down to your butt and squeezing it.
You were surprised and looked at him mischievously, and he surprised you again as he carried you by grabbing your ass and kissed you again, taking you a few steps to your room; for some reason you were aroused, and it was that particularly his strong arms with visible veins were doing in your arousal something, you hadn't had something sexual since that night in his apartment, you thought maybe it was time for something more.
Chan sat on your bed, leaving you on top of him, this time you kissed more passionately and desperately, both in the same synchrony and idea of what was about to happen, completely devoted to each other. And suddenly, you had the idea of tasting his cock. You smiled and lowered your kisses down to his neck, slowly you rolled off his lap and got on your knees between his legs, Chan licked his lips as he understood immediately and let you play with him a little as you slowly removed his shorts; Chan reflexively reached out his hand and it bumped into your camera on your bed, and a dirty idea occurred to him.
Chan grabbed your camera, turned it on and prepared to record, recording you making eye contact and finding it so fucking hot to him holding a camera at such a promising angle.
“Oh yeah, c'mon babygirl, suck my cock, is this your favorite YouTuber? She's a little fucking whore, look at…. ahh” Chan started to say but was cut off as he finally felt your mouth on his glans, “Mmm, she's taking my cock so well.”
You smiled with his cock in your mouth and began to suck him off, sucking his length to feel your tongue and cheeks, making him feel so good that he even gasped pitilessly.
You loved the feel of him, his big cock in your mouth while your hands caressed the rest of his member and from time to time you played with his balls, making Chan whimper and shudder, who at this point downplayed the camera in his hand and enjoyed live and direct the image of you on his cock, Chan stroked your hair, the muscles of his thighs trembled and in a sizzling whimper, Chan cum in your mouth.
You smiled happily, licking the cum from his length and swallowing every liquid deposited in you. Chan stroked your cheek for a few moments and gently motioned for you to stand up, then gently laid you down on the bed.
Once again, Chan held the camera and recorded the filthy process of lifting your skirt and removing your wet panties, finally getting a full shot of your soaking wet, throbbing pussy.
“Fuck” cursed Chan softly and aroused.
You looked so exquisite to him that he thought the camera didn't do you justice, you were a thousand times better in person. You watched him with desire and pleading eyes, inwardly begging to feel his big cock fill you with more.
“Take off your shirt” you whined, you wanted to see his abs.
Chan smiled arrogantly, he dropped the camera drop on your bed and obeyed your command, you bit your lip, you wanted him in missionary to have him close and touch his marked abs. Now, you were so needy. He took your camera again, with one hand he put your knees together and lifted them higher in the air, he stopped holding your legs and you left them like that, watching his dirty act of filming your pussy, Chan took his big cock and rubbed it on your pussy, making you gasp.
“What a fucking dirty slut, so ready to get fuck, isn't this y/n, your favorite little internet person, oh she's so fucking needy for my cock, aren't you, beautiful?”
You gasped as you felt his cock hit your vulva and then rub it through your folds and labia. Chan spread your legs again and finally entered you slowly and, capturing every scene of your tight hole stretching to make way for his cock.
You whimpered, slightly trembling and trying to adjust to his size, Chan sighed excitedly finally at the feel of you inside and began to fuck you slowly and recording a couple of moments, then throwing the camera back onto your bed and pulling his body closer to you, where he sweetly gave you kisses around your face as he rammed you moderately, sliding expertly into you.
“Faster, Chan” you begged, to which he smiled, more than happy to follow your commands.
You arched your back as you felt his strong, deep thrusts, filling your entire pussy to the deepest part of you, his tip brushing your cervix without issue due to his size and you felt your body fade beneath his. You entwined your legs around his waist and hugged him as he continued to ram your pussy hard, his warm moans in your ear.
You were so close, you hugged him tighter and your thighs gradually lost strength, trembling and falling into a deep orgasm at the sensation of his cock moving inside you. Chan continued for a while and finally cum inside you, relaxing his exhausted body a little on top of you.
He kissed your cheek sweetly, pulled away from you and, as a final shot, filmed his cock coming out of your hole as he was doing the perfect creampie scene.
Chan threw the camera back and moved closer to your tired body, showering your face with kisses, appreciating that you still had little traces of him around your mouth.
“I loved that, baby, that was so good” he whispered sweetly in your ear, "The little skirts on you drive me crazy."
[…]
The next day you set about starting to edit your videos and found yourself…. with the grotesque and silly footage Chan had made of you having sex, completely worthy of a homemade porn video, morbidly you watched it again, video shots moving, Chan shaking and his heavy breathing in the background, which turned you on a little, his comments in his thick voice, you sucking his cock and then him rubbing it in your pussy, shit, you were so horny, you couldn't help but watch in detail how good his cock looked for the camera, doing it complete justice, you had a very good camera after all.
You sighed totally aroused and almost as if by magic, there was a knock on your door, you paused the video, luckily at a part where Chan put the camera aside and your sheet was recorded. And you ran to your door knowing it was Chan, once you saw him you jumped into his arms, he laughed and returned the unexpected hug.
Chan had brought you flowers, you thanked him genuinely and gave him a kiss on the cheek, he was so sweet, you liked him so much but just now you needed him so much too. You quickly put his flowers in water and in a vase in the center of the counter.
“What were you doing, princess?” he asked you.
You decided to be honest and quick.
“I was editing my videos and came across what you shot yesterday, honestly I'm horny.”
Chan let out a chuckle at your honesty and walked over to you.
“And who am I to say no to you when you're like that?”
You bit your bottom lip as your smile got bigger, once again you kissed.
“Mm, you should watch the video later, you look so fucking good” you whispered to him between the small moments you parted.
“Fuck, I'm dying to see how I fuck you, but it's better to always live it up” he gasped, so needy with his throbbing cock.
You both headed back to your room, where Chan subtly motioned you to sit on your bed and, he with no time to waste, lifted up your little wool pajama top to reveal your breasts and pulled down your tiny shorts you were wearing altogether, he knelt between your legs and began to give hot and loud kisses down your belly all the way down to your mons pubis, he quickly got rid of your panties, and spread your legs to give him a better view of your pussy.
You were so aroused at his slightest movement, Chan smiled at the image of your exposed pussy and murmured, “I'm going to make you feel so good, princess.”
And, for the first time in your encounters, he directed his mouth to your pussy, gently caressing your clit with one finger, making you gasp and shudder at the sensation of his mouth on your cunt.
Chan licked the entire length of your folds, unashamed and totally satisfied with your taste, you were getting wetter and wetter, giving more and more way for Chan to enjoy your soaking wet pussy with delicious slurping sounds, you gasped and let your head fall back, completely yielding and pleased. You looked back at Chan, whose face was buried in your pussy, his big nose bumping against your labia and his tongue licking every taste in you; you bit your lip and stroked his hair, Chan made eye contact with you, he was enjoying it so much that he would end up cumming in his pants without any trouble merely with the feel of your soft wet pussy in his mouth.
With his free hand Chan began to fondle your breasts, completely ecstatic with pleasuring you, giving your sweet whimpers in response, which encouraged him more and more. Chan bit your labia softly, licked and sucked and, withdrew his hand from your breasts, to lean a little and separate your orifice, appreciating how needy it was, to then insert his tongue and feel your insides, you gasped more intensely, relaxing your body completely and, after an exquisite series of movements on your pussy with his mouth, you came to orgasm, panting loudly and seeing stars, Chan had eaten your pussy so fucking well.
Chan was also so close and cursed under his breath as he felt cum in his pants as he savored your sweet, glistening fluid from your orgasm.
He raised his face, and saw you, both of you happy, your chest rising and falling trying to settle down normal, him licking his mouth still with your taste, but Chan's smile was instantly wiped off, he recognized the sound of the door perfectly, his apartment sounded the same, he stood up quickly alerted.
“Did you hear that? Someone came in, are you expecting someone?”
You looked at him confused and instantly remembered, your mother and sister were coming to visit you, you had arranged it days ago on the phone and you had already warned the doorman to always let your mother and sister in up to your apartment. You closed your legs immediately and hurriedly pulled up your panties and shorts, your heart racing. Chan also stood up quickly and headed towards your bathroom as you frantically motioned for him to go in there.
You came out with a smile, brushing your hair a little.
“Heeey” you greeted.
“Where were you?” said your mother going to hug you.
You felt a little dirty, a few minutes ago you had an incredible orgasm leaving a mess. Suddenly your mother heard a noise in the bathroom.
“Is anyone else here?” she asked.
“My… neighbor” you replied to which your sister smiled broadly, “the toilet wasn't working right and he wanted to fix it.”
“Oh, honey, but why him, is he a plumber? Let me see what's wrong with…” mentioned your mother ready to go to the bathroom but noticed your sister's complicit look, “Why are you looking at each other like that…? Is he the boy Kaia told me about?”
“Chan is here?” your sister asked smiling.
“You told mom about him?” was all you could say.
Your sister knew nothing of your encounters, really the last thing she knew about Chan was when he showed up in the hallway. With embarrassed steps, you made your way to the bathroom, opening the door carefully where a shy Chan stepped out, his face and hands clean.
“Is… the bathroom ready?” you asked him, waiting for him to catch on to what he did instantly.
“Ah yes, it was nothing really.”
“Thank you.”
“I'm Bang Chan, nice to meet you” he introduced himself to your mother who smiled at him and received the gesture.
Still your mother was no fool, she knew immediately that the two of you were up to something, or maybe you were in the middle of something. Your embarrassed faces gave both you and Chan away.
“Hi, Chan” greeted Kaia, looking mischievously at him knowing that he was also there with you for something and that the bathroom was just an excuse.
He greeted her shyly and your sister's attention focused on your laptop on the counter, she approached the laptop animatedly,
“Ohhh, you're editing a new video, what's it about?”
You panicked and ran to close your laptop, causing her surprise and confusion, if she pressed play she was about to see the pornographic home video of you and Chan. You almost dry salivated, so terrified.
“It's a very important and secret video” you replied, sketching a smile and looking quickly towards Chan.
It was kind of weird, but you had to explain that you were in a way, dating him.
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lylianrae · 3 months
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A list of all the things I have manifested ⋆˚⟡˖ ࣪
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We manifest everything in our lives btw - the good and the bad which is why I will be including both to prove that the law does not discriminate. If you can successfully become poor, you can most definately become rich with the same ease because everything is just a state.
Long hair
AHH this is one of my favourite manifestations. Ever since I was young I had a weird bob with a fringe (often crooked) and I wanted long hair like all the other girls (lmaoo) but my mum was strict so she didn't let me grow it out. Although I didn't know about manifestation back then, every new year and birthday I would wish for long hair and I would pretend I was a princess with butt long hair. Guess what, somewhere along the line, my mum let me grow it out and now I have butt length hair (don't really know what to do with it tho </3).
As all kids do, I went through an emo phase where I chopped off like half of my hair like 4 years ago. I literally grew back 7-8" of hair within a month because my parents got too mad. I knew about manifestation here so I just assumed my hair always grows unaturally fast. Same with when I cut bangs, they grew past my chin within a couple of weeks.
Manifesting my way into a private school
Honestly this just shows that you dont need 2430430 hours of working on your self concept to manifest. Literally so many celebs, including Marylin Monroe (the queen), manifested their fame with awful self concept. Likewise, here I was possibly going through the worst time of my life back then. I would wake up at 8 am and start studying and end at 11 pm despite being only 10 at the time. I was so freaking stressed and envious of all the other children and went into a depressive spiral where my two options were pass or die. I didn't even have enough practice and I cried my self to sleep on most nights. Anyways, when i did the exam I was deathly calm and even after the exam I was apparently so chill so my parents thought I failed.
I literally left 9 questions on one paper but throughout the summer, everytime I found a dandelion I would make a wish and imagine digging a tunnel to the examiners room where I secretly change my answers into the right ones (lmfao my tiny 10 yr old brain - idek how it worked). Anyways my results were sent back to me a month later on a random October evening and I got a really high mark. Even after 7 years of going to this school I havn't met anyone who has gotten a mark higher than mine.
Curly hair / straight hair
Sigh. We always want things we don't have. When I was younger I had really straight hair like 1A asian hair but when I was like 10, I really wanted curly hair and I would try to curl it often. After a few months, I manifested a curling iron and my hair literally became naturally curly like right after a wash it would curly af when before it was dead straight. Naturally I grew bored of it and I wanted my straight hair back and for ages I began overcomplicating the law and struggled to manifest it. It was only recently when I actually let go of the 3D that I manifested the silky, shiny straight hair.
Social life?
This is also a funny one, just shows how easily you can manifest. So back in 2021 after lockdown I felt so lonely and felt so left out of my friendship group so after a few months I began stressing myself out and spiraling for like 30 minutes, sobbing to myself about how I was so lonely and how nobody loved me (💀). Anyways it became reality, I found myself uncomfortable in many social situations and found myself becoming forgotten far more easily. I don't really remember the details but it was so bad that I think I accidently manifested social anxiety (oh well we still up tho).
However I am a loa girly so I found myself listening to popularity subliminals and slowly (but surely) my mindset change from having no friends to being the most popular girl in the year. Like no joke I became friends with like 3 people from different social circles so at lunchtime we had to join up like 3 different tables so we can all sit together. Overall I got myself 20+ close friends and even my ex friends began to admire me although it had ended badly. Even now, when someone says something thats untrue - for example saying that they are dumb when they are not, they would be like "ahaha so its like when Rae (me) says she has no friends, the whole school knows who Rae is".
Clear skin
This was sort of in the beginning of my loa (law of attraction back then) journey, I just randomly found out what subliminals were and was still quite new to everything. Now I don't even understand how it happened but I had busted some capillaries under my skin and it looked like small red viens under my skin and bro I was freaking out at the time. One night I was like just, I had enough, I'm going to get myself better skin and so I listened to a sub once for 3-4 days and on like the 4th day, my cheeks began to heat up which was odd and the next day it was 90% gone. Just like magikkkk.
Desired university?
Guys. Feeling is the secret. Don't you ever forgot that - not feeling as in emotions but rather the feeling of knowing. I had 2 entrance exams to do to apply for my universities and it was a stressful time where I wasn't getting enough sleep and wasn't eating enough simply because I didn't have the time. Like I come home from school and would have 3-4 hours of homework, then I need to revise for tests and then the remaining time would be spent on the entrance exams. Each past paper took 2 hours and I have around 13s per questions and I was already struggling on time. Anyways, I began to hate them and I would often complain to my mum saying things like "My score got even lower!!" or "I hate it so much" or "My head hurts / eyes hurt".
Guess what? Not only did I see my score decrease over time but I also made such a silly mistake on the most important entrance exam which I needed for 4/5 of my universities. I left a question and completely forgot to mark on the answer so when I finished the section I realised I had one more space on the sheet with like 10s to spare. I didn't have enough time to go back and fix it and lemme say that I did so badly in the test. Even while waiting for results I was just like "ah it would be a miracle if I scored above this bla bla".
I got the score back and it was so freaking bad like I did not stand a chance at my university at all. However, I started to affirm for a place and to my utter shock and surprise my desired university reached out and offered me an interview. I knew people who had like scores which were 50% better than mine and they still got rejected pre-interview. Anyways I began stressing about the interview and the results of the whole thing and boom. I got rejected 3 days after my birthday lmaoo. But its okay because I'm reapplying and I learnt so much more. I'm redoing the entrance exam and my score is a loooot better than it ever was last year.
A key take away would be thoughts are the result of the state you are in. Your dwelling state manifests and I was focusing on the unrealness and the difficultly of getting into this uni and thats what manifested. At the time I was heartbroken and literally went through the 7 stages of grief and spent so many months trying to revise it only for me to focus on the 3D. Just know that everything is done in imagination and it appears in the 3D as a result.
Photographic memory
So this is also something I had manifested before I actually knew about loa but the takeaway here is that manifestation is always instant. I was around 11 reading a random book on my tiny kindle and the book was on how to develop a good memory and I was like ah that'll be useful. Anyways later in the car, I asked my dad about photographic memory and he sort of explained it to me. I just assumed that I have that and I told him I do. He just laughed at me and said thats something that you have to train for and I was not impressed lmao. Inside my tiny brain, I was just like nope, I already have photographic memory and I dropped that thought. Let me tell you, my memory is actually photographic and has helped me out on so many occasions like my brain just takes pictures of things.
Learning fast
This is also something I did before I knew loa, I was just always wondering why the other kids couldn't grasp concepts as easily as I did. Literally in every lesson I would be like ah I learn so fast and now I am actually blessed with the ability to grasp complex subjects so fast. A favourite example of mine would be when I was obsessed with music but to take it to a higher level you need to be able to play an instrument. I couldn't at the time and my teacher told me the requirements a week before the actual deadline. I have never actually played piano with both hands but one day I sat down and worked through the entire song (fur elise by Beethoven) which is a grade 5 (I think) and it normally takes people months / weeks to learn. I learnt the whole thing in 3 days and from then on, I could play piano like I had been doing for ages. Again the memory thing was so helpful because I never actually used any sheet music, I learnt it off a youtube video and I remembered every single note I needed to play.
Hourglass body + 22" waist
This was a couple of years ago when I actually didn't understand loa. Anyways long story short, I would do a 3 minute workout and then flex infront of the mirror all day (💀) and be like omg I have abs. Overtime, I actually got so skinny everyone around me kept pointing it out to me and my mum got so concerned that she took me to the doctor like 4 times. It was so funny, I would loose like 2-3kg overnight and my parents would have to buy better fitting uniform.
Bigger boobs
This was also back in the day (2021?) when I didn't understand how to manifest things easily af. I had an A cup but I wanted better boobies and I listened to like 2 subs for a week and I went to a B cup. But I just assumed I have a bigger cup size recently and I just skipped C and went to D+ (haven't measured in a long time).
I'm not done but I'm tired now bye bye
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brandyschillace · 7 months
Text
The Forgotten History of the World’s First Transgender Clinic
I finished the first round of edits on my nonfiction history of trans rights today. It will publish with Norton in 2025, but I decided, because I feel so much of my community is here, to provide a bit of the introduction.
[begin sample]
The Institute for Sexual Sciences had offered safe haven to homosexuals and those we today consider transgender for nearly two decades. It had been built on scientific and humanitarian principles established at the end of the 19th century and which blossomed into the sexology of the early 20th. Founded by Magnus Hirschfeld, a Jewish homosexual, the Institute supported tolerance, feminism, diversity, and science. As a result, it became a chief target for Nazi destruction: “It is our pride,” they declared, to strike a blow against the Institute. As for Magnus Hirschfeld, Hitler would label him the “most dangerous Jew in Germany.”6 It was his face Hitler put on his antisemitic propaganda; his likeness that became a target; his bust committed to the flames on the Opernplatz. You have seen the images. You have watched the towering inferno that roared into the night. The burning of Hirschfeld’s library has been immortalized on film reels and in photographs, representative of the Nazi imperative, symbolic of all they would destroy. Yet few remember what they were burning—or why.
Magnus Hirschfeld had built his Institute on powerful ideas, yet in their infancy: that sex and gender characteristics existed upon a vast spectrum, that people could be born this way, and that, as with any other diversity of nature, these identities should be accepted. He would call them Intermediaries.
Intermediaries carried no stigma and no shame; these sexual and Gender nonconformists had a right to live, a right to thrive. They also had a right to joy. Science would lead the way, but this history unfolds as an interwar thriller—patients and physicians risking their lives to be seen and heard even as Hitler began his rise to power. Many weren’t famous; their lives haven’t been celebrated in fiction or film. Born into a late-nineteenth-century world steeped in the “deep anxieties of men about the shifting work, social roles, and power of men over women,” they came into her own just as sexual science entered the crosshairs of prejudice and hate. The Institute’s own community faced abuse, blackmail, and political machinations; they responded with secret publishing campaigns, leaflet drops, pro-homosexual propaganda, and alignments with rebel factions of Berlin’s literati. They also developed groundbreaking gender affirmation surgeries and the first hormone cocktail for supportive gender therapy.
Nothing like the Institute for Sexual Sciences had ever existed before it opened its doors—and despite a hundred years of progress, there has been nothing like it since. Retrieving this tale has been an exercise in pursuing history at its edges and fringes, in ephemera and letters, in medal texts, in translations. Understanding why it became such a target for hatred tells us everything about our present moment, about a world that has not made peace with difference, that still refuses the light of scientific evidence most especially as it concerns sexual and reproductive rights.
[end sample]
I wanted to add a note here: so many people have come together to make this possible. Like Ralf Dose of the Magnus-Hirschfeld-Gesellschaft (Magnus Hirschfeld Archive), Berlin, and Erin Reed, American journalist and transgender rights activist—Katie Sutton, Heike Bauer. I am also deeply indebted to historian, filmmaker and formative theorist Susan Stryker for her feedback, scholarship, and encouragement all along the way. And Laura Helmuth, editor of Scientific American, whose enthusiasm for a short article helped bring the book into being. So many LGBTQ+ historians, archivists, librarians, and activists made the work possible, that its publication testifies to the power of the queer community and its dedication to preserving and celebrating history. But I ALSO want to mention you, folks here on tumblr who have watched and encouraged and supported over the 18 months it took to write it (among other books and projects). @neil-gaiman has been especially wonderful, and @always-coffee too: thank you.
The support of this community has been important as I’ve faced backlash in other quarters. Thank you, all.
NOTE: they are attempting to rebuild the lost library, and you can help: https://magnus-hirschfeld.de/archivzentrum/archive-center/
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