#being unable to let her go at the end of their journey

[azrielslittleslut]

"The Lost Queen"- Chapter 2

Azriel x Fem!Reader

Summary: A magical incident causes Azriel to unexpectedly tumble through a portal into modern-day Earth. Confused and injured, he is discovered by a compassionate human woman with a hidden past. She takes care of him and helps him discover the complexities of the modern world, completely unaware of who she truly is. Meanwhile, Azriel struggles with his conflicting desires: his duty to the Night Court and his growing love for the woman who saved him.

Their journey unfolds amidst ancient prophecies and the looming threat in Prythian. As they uncover the truth about forces conspiring against them, they must confront their deepest fears and make choices that will change their lives and the world forever.

Warnings: language, angsty, az is going through it, small mention of alcohol at the end

Word Count: 4.1k

series masterlist

a/n: comment a “🗡️” if you find the HOFAS easter egg..

Enjoy!

Azriel was soaring through the night sky, his wings carrying him high above the city of Velaris. The stars above were unusually bright, and he had to squint his eyes against the radiance. He felt an overwhelming sense of calm wash over him, and for the first time in his long life, he felt free. Free from his responsibilities and the darkness that seemed to cling to him since his childhood.

The stars began to dim, and Azriel banked as they started falling from the sky. He cried out as he felt a sharp pain shoot through his wings, and when he looked back, he saw them tattered and shredded.

He plummeted to the ground, his heartbeat loud in his ears. He crashed into a thick forest, the trees slowing down his descent. He hit the ground with a loud thud, his body screaming in agony. He laid back against the earth, gasping for air, unable to cry for help.

In his peripheral vision, he saw the figure of a woman walking toward him. She was shrouded in light, standing tall with the air of regal grace and ancient power. Her hair blew around her head, concealing her face from him. The female had massive wings, shimmering with faint iridescence. In her hand, she held a massive double-edged sword. He wasn’t able to get a good look at the weapon because his vision was blurry.

In a soft, lilting voice, he heard her say, “Wake up, shadowsinger. Bring me home.”

Azriel’s eyes shot open, and he swore he could still hear that voice ringing in his ears. It was the sweetest voice he had ever heard, and he very much longed to return to the dream to see that female. There was something about her that called to him, but he couldn’t put it in words.

He took a deep breath, wincing at the sharp pain in his ribs and back. His entire body throbbed with pain, and each breath brought a fresh wave of agony. Slowly, he ran his hands along the surface beneath him, trying to find the strength to sit up. He paused his movements as memories began to wash over him like a flood.

The Whispering Woods, the otherworldly power, the Moonstone Amulet, the strange language, his body feeling like it was being torn apart. Truth-Teller falling from his hands.

Despite everything that had happened, Azriel quickly moved his hand to his thigh, running his finger over the sheath strapped there. The empty sheath.

Azriel closed his eyes as he let out a harsh breath. “Not again,” he mumbled. He moved his hands up, bracing them against whatever the hell he was lying on. He pushed, trying with all of his strength to sit up. He bit back his scream as his muscles gave out and searing pain shot up his arms, down his back, and across his ribs.

He was over five hundred years old. He had been in countless battles, tearing down enemies left and right. He had been tortured and maimed and had experienced excruciating pain.

Yet here he was, unable to even sit up. His body felt drained, weak, and powerless. He raised his hands, looking at his siphons. They were still strapped there, but they were empty, their usual blue glow extinguished. Through the black glass, he could see his broken reflection, and his heart clenched. He willed his power into them, but nothing happened. It was like trying to grasp smoke; his magic was… gone.

Azriel tried to move his wings, flexing his back muscles. He felt nothing as he strained, as if his wings weren’t even there to begin with. Panic rising, he slowly turned his head to the side, and all thoughts left his mind as he looked.

Where the fuck were his wings?

They were gone, and he felt his heart sink at the phantom sensation along his spine where his wings should be. A cold dread washed over him as he stared at the empty space. His chest tightened, and a wave of nausea hit him.

Desperately, he called on his shadows, crying out in that nonverbal language he had taught himself while he was locked in a dark dungeon. His voice was a silent scream, echoing in his mind, pleading for the comfort of his shadows. They had always answered him in his time of need, but now… nothing. The silence was deafening, a dark void where the familiar whisper and caress of his shadows should be.

No wings, no siphons, no shadows… no Truth-Teller. The realization struck him like a physical blow, and he crumbled inwardly.

Useless. Helpless. He had failed them.

Azriel’s heart began to beat so fast he thought it was going to leap right out of his chest. For a few moments, all he could do was lay there as panic flooded his veins, clouding his mind. His vision went dark, and he felt himself begin to fall back down that tunnel of unconsciousness.

“No,” he groaned, his voice a ragged whisper, as he willed himself to stay awake. His body screamed for rest, but he forced his eyes to stay open, his mind to stay focused. Something really strange was happening, and he wasn’t going to figure it out by being comatose. He needed to stay alert to understand this bizarre and unsettling reality. The world around him felt alien, everything distorted, every shadow unfamiliar.

He started to take deep breaths, slowing down his breathing. He willed himself into a cool calm, the type of calm he had trained himself to fall into before a battle when nerves and fear threatened to overwhelm him.

Although he wasn’t about to step onto a field of slaughter, he had the sinking feeling he was about to enter a whole new battleground. The air around him was charged with an unfamiliar energy. This was no ordinary challenge; it was something far more sinister and unpredictable.

Since he couldn’t move, he relied on his senses, which still seemed to be strong. He could smell damp earth, laced with something sweet, like vanilla mixed with jasmine. The scent wrapped around him, calming him enough to stay focused. Underneath, there was the unmistakable aroma of damp earth and a hint of something briny, reminiscent of fish or marine life.

The first clue: he was somewhere next to water.

He tried to think of all the bodies of water in Prythian as he continued his exploring, running his hand along the surface he was lying on. It was soft and plush, the sweet scent clinging to every fiber. Realization dawned on him with a small shock: he was in a bed.

The second clue: he was in a very dark bedroom.

Azriel continued his search, contemplating who in the world would let the Spymaster of the Night Court into their bedroom. He squinted into the darkness, straining to listen to the sounds around him. Faintly, he heard what sounded like horns in the distance, their tones unlike anything he had ever heard. A screeching noise mingled with the murmur of voices speaking in that unfamiliar language he had encountered in the Whispering Woods. It wasn’t the familiar language of Prythian, but somehow, he understood it.

Third clue: he had no idea where the hell he was.

Azriel was about to go against all of his training and scream for help. He was lost and confused; a sensation foreign to him. He had just opened his mouth to yell when the bedroom door clicked open, revealing the frame of a female, outlined by the dim light behind her.

She stepped into the room, and Azriel was overwhelmed by that scent again. Her scent, he realized. He fought back the small feeling of panic at the realization that he was injured and helpless in a strange female’s bed in a place he didn’t know or recognize.

What if she had been sent to assassinate him? The Mother only knew how many people wanted him dead. He was in bad shape, so she might just get away with it.

At this point, Az just hoped the female would let him live long enough for him to ask how she accomplished such a feat.

She softly padded over to the nightstand beside the bed, as if she were trying to be quiet. Azriel winced slightly as one of the floorboards creaked loudly beneath her.

For an assassin, she had horrible stealth skills.

He heard a click, and bright light filled the room from a small object on the nightstand. He lay there, totally motionless, praying to the gods that maybe she was blind and wouldn’t see him.  She turned to him, and all hope for blindness was lost as she jumped back slightly, taking him in.

Azriel didn’t notice that too much, though. Instead, he found himself staring at her, and his heart stuttered as he came face to face with the most beautiful female he had ever seen. She stood before him, a vision of allure and grace. Her features were a study of delicate beauty- full lips, expressive eyes, and soft hair that he desperately wanted to run his fingers through. Oddly enough, looking at her, he was reminded somehow of the female in his dream, the one with the sword.

The dream female had not been human, though, while this one was. She had the unmistakable air of mortality wrapped around her, but there was something there. Despite her human appearance, Azriel could sense the strength and resilience surrounding her, almost transcending the ordinary.  

For a moment, Azriel found himself captivated by her, his thoughts going into dangerous territory. He inwardly chastised himself, forcing his focus back to the situation at hand. His eyes raked down her body, looking for weapons she could use to finish him off. He stopped when he saw the small tray of food she held in her hands. His mouth watered at the amazing smell wafting from it. It was rich and savory, wrapped in the scent of spices that were unfamiliar to him.

The female laughed softly, and Azriel’s chest tightened at the lovely sound. “Good,” she said gently, her voice carrying a compassionate warmth that contrasted with the gravity of the situation. “You’re awake.”

-------

For a few moments, the two of you just stared at each other in awkward silence. You took the opportunity to look the man over, noting the way his golden-brown cheeks flushed as he looked up at you from the bed.

Your bed.

Of course, this wasn’t the first time a man had been in your bed. But it was the first time a man who looked like him had been in it. He was... very handsome. He was tall and lean, and you could see the outline of his muscles through that tight leather clothing. His black hair fell just over his brow, curling slightly from the Louisiana humidity. Full lips, gracious jawline, elegant throat. Hazel eyes that seemed to glow in the dimness. You swallowed as you felt a strange warm sensation flooding your chest.

The bedroom was so silent you could hear the clock ticking on the wall, save for the sound of your rapid breathing. “How are you feeling?” you ask quietly, trying to end the awkwardness. This whole situation was uncomfortable, but you would do your best to act normal.

The man said nothing. He blinked at you, and you watched as he squinted against the light. “Oh, I’m sorry,” you said, reaching down with your free hand to turn the lamp down a little.

He watched in silence as you completed the task, something like confusion gracing his handsome features. His eyes met yours in the dim light, and you felt suddenly naked under his gaze.

You felt heat bloom onto your cheeks, and you hastily looked away, setting the tray down next to his body. “I brought you some food. You should eat something.” You stirred the contents inside of the bowl, the spoon clinking against the glass. “It’s leftovers, but it’s warm. I did cook it though, but it’s my mom’s famous red beans and rice recipe.” You clamped your mouth shut, stopping your nervous rambling.

Still, the man said nothing in response. He looked down at the food in the bowl, sniffing lightly. He pursed his lips, settling himself back more into the pillows. More silence followed, and you were growing restless.

The dude might be hot, but he sure as hell didn’t talk that much.

You cleared your throat. “My name is Y/N,” you said, your voice firm. “I don’t know how much you remember, but I found you floating face-down in the bayou. I thought you were dead.” You laughed softly but quickly stopped as he narrowed his eyes at you. You continued, “I think you hit your head pretty hard, and from my examinations, it appears you have at least two or three broken ribs. Your ankle looks swollen, too, but I don’t think it’s broken.”

It had taken all of your strength to carry him inside. You had hauled his pretty much lifeless body across the gravel driveway, up the stairs, and across your living room floor. Then, you had lifted him onto your bed, cringing slightly as the grime, blood, and swamp water on him soiled your clean sheets. In the process of it all, you had dropped him a few times, banged his head once or twice against the stairs, and hadn’t been able to catch him fast enough when he slid off the bed at first.

You questioned whether you had caused him more harm than the original incident itself.  

“I probably should have taken you to a hospital, but as a nurse, I assure you I examined you thoroughly, just like any emergency room would.” You had spent at least forty-five minutes looking him over. After making sure his vitals were stable, you assessed his body, looking for anything life-threatening. You had done your best to clean the strange cuts along his face and neck, wondering what the hell had happened for him to end up in such a state.

He would probably live, but… “I wasn’t able to look all of you over. I wasn’t able to get your clothes off.” You had been so confused at the different laces and buttons on that leather outfit. You had eventually given up, hoping that you weren’t sealing his fate by skipping that.

You wouldn’t admit the real reason why you had stopped taking his clothes off. You wouldn’t let yourself think about what that body of his probably looked like under them.

The male sighed. It was the first sound that he had made, and you froze. He looked at you as he said, “Where am I?” His voice was deep, low, and dark.

It was sexy as fuck.

You didn’t have time to wonder at that. The way he said the words caught your attention. He had the strangest accent… You have met many people from all walks of life, but you’d never come across that one before. It was lyrical and elegant, carrying a musical quality.

You took a deep breath. “You’re in New Orleans,” you said slowly. He must have hit his head hard. Damn it, he probably had a concussion, all thanks to those stupid stairs. Or the door. Or the floor.

His eyebrows creased. “New Or-leans?” he asked, sounding out the words as if he’d never heard them before, like they were new to his vocabulary. You were captivated by the way he said the words, drawn in by the way his vowels elongated and consonants softened.

Your mind scrambled as you tried to think of all the places on Earth he could have come from.

“Yes. New Orleans, Louisiana,” you said cautiously. “You’re in America.”

He started to shake his head, wincing slightly. “I don’t know where that is. How far is that from Velaris?”

You frowned at him. “Velaris? Isn’t that a city in California?” How the hell did he end up in a Louisiana bayou?

He looked at you with wide eyes. “Cali-“ he cut himself off, breathing hard. His strong neck muscles strained as he said, “Where am I?” His voice was nothing short of a snarl, and you took a small step back at the sound of it.

“I just told you! You are in New Orleans. I found you in the water and brought you inside of my house.” You stepped forward again, leaning down until your face was mere inches from his. You had dealt with angry patients before, and though this guy was a tad bit scary, you wouldn’t cower. “And if you are going to yell at me like that, I’ll be more than happy to call the cops to get you off my hands!”

Your outburst must have stunned him because his hazel eyes softened. “I am sorry,” he said, his voice tight with something that sounded like regret. “I just don’t... I don’t understand what happened.”

You had yelled at a patient, which is something you had never done before. You looked at him with compassionate eyes, willing your bedside manner to return. “I know, I’m sorry for yelling.” You sat down beside him on the bed, careful not to move him too much. “Do you remember your name, at least?”

He let out a soft laugh. “Azriel.”

You smiled down at him. “Azriel,” you said, loving the way his name sounded on your lips. “I’m Y/N.”

“I know. I heard you the first time you said it,” he said, that harshness creeping back into his deep voice.

So he was hot and a little bit of a smartass.

Great.

You reached down to grab the bowl, lifting it to him. “You need to eat. You’re pretty banged up, and food will help you heal.” You reached down to grab the spoon, intending to force-feed him if necessary.

Azriel’s harsh response stopped you. “I’m not eating. It could be poisoned.”

The nerve of this guy! You slammed the bowl back down onto the tray, causing the spoon to rattle. “And why the hell would I want to poison you?”

He raised a brow, his hazel eyes darkening slightly. “You tell me.”

Asshole.

“If I wanted you dead, I would have just left you in the water as alligator food.”

He looked up at the ceiling. “Maybe you should have left me.” His voice was oddly distant.

You huffed out a soft laugh, trying to break the tension. “You know, you were a lot easier to deal with when you were unconscious.”

His gaze snapped back to you, and you felt your skin tingle with the intensity of his gaze. There was something… strange about him. Something different and mysterious seemed to lurk beneath the surface of his body. “If I’m so difficult,” he said, his tone flat and almost challenging, “maybe you should just kill me. I’d be off your hands then.”

You shook your head as a wave of frustration washes through you. “And deprive myself of the pleasure of your sweet company?” You leaned forward, so close you could count each of his eyelashes. “Besides, I didn’t save you just to end your life now.”

A flicker of surprise crossed his features, quickly masked by his usual guarded expression. “You don’t know what you’re getting into,” he murmured, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Hell, I don’t even know what I’m getting into. Something strange is going on.”

You felt a chill run down your spine, but you kept pressing. “Lucky for you, strange is my middle name. Let me help you, Azriel,” you said, softening your features to let him know that he was safe here.

You couldn’t let him know you had every intention of taking him with you to the hospital so he could get his head looked at.

Azriel turned his head to the side, his matted black hair draping across the pillow.  Something that looked like disgust filled his face. “Is that really your middle name?”

He didn’t know where he was, and he didn’t understand figurative speech. He really needed to go to the doctor.

You opened your mouth to respond, but the shrill sound of your alarm clock blared through the room, cutting you off. “Shit,” you grumbled. You had to be at work in an hour.

At the loud sound, Azriel jumped, groaning in pain at the movement. “What is that?” he demanded, his voice edged with alarm and irritation.

You quickly reached over to click the button to turn it off. “My alarm clock,” you explained, noting the puzzled look on his face. Had he never seen one before? “I have to get dressed for work.”

He looked at you with eyes so wide, you could see the whites around the hazel. “You’re leaving?” he asked, a small hint of desperation filling his voice.

You stood from the bed, aiming for the dresser in the corner of the bedroom. You rummaged through it, settling on your favorite pair of cobalt blue scrubs. You turned around to look at Azriel, and his eyes flickered as he looked at the bundle of clothes in your hands.

“Believe it or not,” you said as you walked towards the bathroom, “you’re not my only patient.” He let out a breath but said nothing. No, he just stared at the ceiling like it held the secrets of the world. “Plus, I plan on taking you with me. A doctor needs to take a look at you.”

Azriel froze, his body going rigid. “Doctor?” he asked, his voice tinged with confusion and curiosity. “Is that like a healer?”

You paused, trying to find the words to explain it. “Yeah, a doctor is a kind of healer, I guess. But they use science and medicine, not magic.”

Something you said caused him to jump. “Magic?” he asked with excitement, his eyes lighting up. “Is there anyone with magic here? I need to see them. Immediately.”

What the…

You stared at him in disbelief. “Are you serious?” You shook your head at him as worry filled your chest. “No, we don’t have magic here.” You paused for a moment, watching him carefully. “And before you ask, we don’t have magical healers, enchantments, or anything like that either.”

Azriel’s face fell, the excitement in his eyes twinkling out. “No magic,” he muttered, almost to himself. He looked lost, as if the very foundation of his reality had been ripped from beneath him.

“You should rest,” you said, turning back to the bathroom door. “I’ll be dressed soon, and then we can leave.”

Azriel said nothing. He was just lying there, his eyes vacant and distant. He gripped your sheets in his scarred fingers as if they were the anchor in a stormy sea. It almost looked as if he truly didn’t belong here. He had this… aura about him, something unusual and odd.

The sight of him made your heart skip a beat, and the tightness in his jaw told you that you had lost him, that this conversation was over.

Ah, back to the silent treatment then.

Numbly, you walked into the bathroom and got to work getting dressed. As you pulled on your clothes, your mind raced as you thought back through what had happened over the past few hours. You had an injured man with a weird accent lying in your bed. He claimed to have no idea where he was, and it seemed like you would have better luck getting a wall to talk than him.

You glanced at yourself in the mirror, grimacing at the dark circles under your eyes. You had barely slept and playing nursemaid to Mr. Mysterious in your bedroom hadn’t helped matters.

Coffee. You needed coffee.

You had just reached up to turn off the bathroom lights when your phone rang. You picked it up, frowning as you read an unknown number flash across the screen. You answered it and raised it to your ear.

“Hello?” you asked cautiously, wondering who the hell would be calling you this early in the morning.

“Hello, Y/N,” came a velvety smooth voice on the other end. “My name is Serena Rousseau. You don’t know me, but I know you.”

Your grip tightened on the phone, irritation rising. “Listen, lady,” you began, trying to keep your tone controlled despite your frustration. “I’ve had a shitty morning. Go talk to someone else about their car’s extended warranty.”

The woman on the other end of the call let out a smoky laugh. “No, my dear. You misunderstand me.” She paused for a long moment, and you lowered the phone from your ear, intending to end the call.

Her next words stopped you in your tracks. Her voice was loud and clear as she said, “Tell the male from Prythian that I saw him fall through the portal.”  

Forget the coffee. You needed an entire bottle of wine.

tag list: @starofanotherworld @lilah-asteria @melmo567 @xxemmarldxx @a-frog-with-a-laptop @saltedcoffeescotch

@that-one-bibliophole @happyt0exist @thefandomswhre

@serxndipity-ipity-blog @doodlebugg16-blog @berrikun

@wolvesnravens @bluejayswhistle @vera0124 @jananigk

@carnelshephard

[abharties]

Jolted awake muttering “TLOU cowboy AU”

[dunmesh]

this panel from the world guide of falin being surrounded by other girls while laios is all alone kills me because. that's it. that's the key difference in their journeys.

as laios states himself, he left the village in order to create a home for him and falin elsewhere. a home that won't collapse due to others' hatred and fears like their old home did, a home where they are loved and accepted unconditionally. but as he soon found out, even before earning money, or having walls surrounding him and a roof above his head- what he so earnestly desired was to meet other people who will accept him for who he is as well. instead, he kept being tormented by those around him, shunned and sneered at. his loneliness quickly became all-consuming until he truly had nothing left except for the monsters in the pages of his book, but even that became a target of mockery and destroyed. that's why ever since the day he left the village, he never felt that he truly made the right choice. so he kept running away: unable to resist and unable to accpet.

and an ocean away from him there was his sister, who never managed to fully fit in herself. but unlike him, she met a person who became a home to her and learned what a true friendship was for the first time in her life. and laios clearly realizes that too when he finally sees falin and marcille together, he can tell his sister obtained the greatest treasure there is on her own- the exact thing he never managed to find anywhere himself, thus coming back empty-handed to the sister he left the village for.

but when you read this part of the manga, laios's focus is on falin's loneliness, not his own. he talks about how it hurts thinking about all those moments she had to spend alone because he wasn't there for her, so it almost sounds like he's the one who couldn't bear her suffering and therefore decided to not let her go again. but we do get a glimpse of their first meeting after that almost-decade long separation in the manga, and then we see more of that in the world guide and daydream hour- and it becomes abundantly clear that it was falin who was trying to protect and save him from this pit of loneliness and depression he was in.

so instead of just doing his best to atone for leaving her behind in the village and making sure she is never lonely again, it might also be that laios was desperately clinging to the one person in the world he felt that accepted and loved him unconditionally. those words he used to describe his motivation to stay by falin's side are the exact words she would've used as well; she couldn't bear leaving him behind in this state. in a sense, they were each other's shackles.

but then she did. she died for him and their friends, and ironically enough, it was by leaving him alone like this that he was finally able to stand on his own and put his full trust in others. to have the courage to reveal who he is and give others the opportunity to accept him after such a long time of hiding. it was a long journey, but his hiding finally came to an end when he faced the others after shedding his monster form. and i love that the person who was falin's "home" all those years away from laios, marcille, became just as meaningful to him during their time separated from falin- the first one to find him and show him that he isn't alone anymore. just as he did for her.

so at the end of the story when falin talks about all the places she would like to go, it's not just that she wants to pursue her own dreams- but that she actually feels free to do so and go anywhere she desires. and one of the main reasons for that is that her brother finally found new people he wants to be with; his own home.

[runawaycarouselhorse]

What made both her sacrifice for her team mates’ happiness in Pocket Monsters (2019)/Pokemon Journeys episode 95 and the fact that she thought this would be her end more poignant for me is that being completely alone is what Musashi hates the most. She lost her (single) mother as a child and was never adopted, going from foster home to foster home... ;_;

After many failures (like being unable to graduate from a school meant to train literal Pokemon Nurses, because she couldn’t do what Chansey do, despite studying hard and being adept at skills like bandaging…) and having her heart broken and being disappointed (she let a boy she loved go alone so she can pursue idol dreams with some friends, who all made it… without her, so she lost a possible love for an impossible dream)…

She couldn’t bond with her partners and left them to be injured, just to save herself, during her training days at Team Rocket. She’d become selfish and self-preserving… in the Japanese version, the others called her “shinigami Musashi” according to Yamato (Cassidy), likening her to a reaper of souls… but James refused to run away, sick of living a life where he ran away from all his problems. He’d sacrifice himself for her and Meowth’s safety, getting badly injured and nearly missing their final exam, hospitalized. The first time they uttered the beginning of their motto was when she believed she was all alone again, much like in this scene… the Rockets in the Japanese version repeat the last thing someone else says as if to answer a question (the “nanda kanda to kikare tara” = “if you ask us about this or that” is mostly filler that could be substituted with anything else.)

Musashi (Jessie): (dejectedly, as she walks away alone as the final exam begins, even being questioned by Nyasu/Meowth where she’s going): Is this all that there is…?

Kojiro (James): (answering while leaning posed against a tree, covered in bandages, but they were only wrapped over his clothes so he could whip them off dramatically) If you ask us 'if this is all that there is,' our answer will be the universe’s compassion!

She’s so moved, she turns away to wipe her tears. “A team mate who won’t run away…”

I think that’s the first time they ever see her cry.

Jessie desperately wants family, belonging, that’s why she falls in love so quickly, she wants a family more than anything—James had everything material growing up, but not love… Musashi had near to nothing material growing up, BUT she had her mother’s love… until she lost her very, very early. They contrast each other! They’re soul mates, eternal partners, whether you ship them or not. Meowth, too, was orphaned as a kitten, never even named, and an outcast his whole life. He's also always falling in love easily, seeking a home... the trio should never be separated, they are each other’s sought-for home.

I think the falling snow in this scene, where she runs off in tears, after wearing a brave smile and telling James it’s okay to stay with Cassidy, is a very deliberate choice, as Jessie loves snow. One of her few happy memories of her depressing childhood is being made treats made of snow to eat. She unknowingly lost her mother in the snowy Andes mountains, seeking Mew, put into foster care, while Miyamoto tried to make money to give her a better life... glittering snow and sparkling tears…

For Meowth too, she lets him go. She just wants everyone to have their chance at love.

So, her believing she’ll end up dying alone, as she’s always feared, Musashi here laments her luck, but also has a beautiful little dream of her friends saving her.

Once again, similarly to the break-up episode of DP, she was the one who calmly and gently encouraged James to pursue a possible love. She also broke Dustox’s pokeball, in tears, not wanting her to make the same mistake she did, giving up on an attainable love for an unattainable goal (and, indeed, Jessie did not win the Grand Festival, despite her skill at Pokemon Contests… she made the right decision for Dustox’s happiness.)

Jessie loves her friends. Sure, she’s caustic, rude, temperamental, bitter, and self-absorbed, but she prioritizes love and their happiness. She doesn’t want them to be alone and abandoned the way she felt as a kid. She loves them so much so, she’s satisfied to die alone and suffer her worst fear if it meant they get to be happy. That’s self-sacrifice.

She doesn’t resent them one bit, saying it’s a nice dream when she thinks she’s imagined them saving her life… she thought it was her mind comforting her before her death, accepting her fate, rather than realizing it’s effectively a premonition of what will be reality… and when she realizes?! She initially reproaches them, looking mad, because she thought they abandoned their happiness for her! But no, things didn’t work out… this is where they’re meant to be: by each other’s side.

James also knows how much marriage means to her, even though he’s so traumatized by it, the word “fiance” triggers literal flashbacks for him and he climbed up a tree to get away from a teenaged girl who called him that. Yet, in XY episode 63, where she fell for Dr. White...

Kojiro: (with head down, eyes shadowed) If Musashi (Jessie) wants to pursue her happiness as a woman, shouldn't we give her our blessing?

Nyasu also had his misfortunes in love... they sympathize and empathize.

"Let's show her we're men and leave without saying anything..."

As Kojiro runs away, he sheds tears, wishing her happiness and bidding her farewell, silently. The scenes in these two episodes are clear parallels.

But in the end (including the final episodes, as rushed as that plotline was although I still loved Wobbuffet acting exactly like a troubled child of parents going through a messy divorce), they’ll always realize their happiness is by each other’s side as a trio.

"Sometimes you get good pulls, sometimes you get bad ones. Sometimes they're good, even if you think they're bad. Sometimes they're bad, even if you think they're good."

[yuu-extended-yuuniverse]

Pokémon AU! (Yuu & Riddle)

Trainer looking at Grim: What kind of Pokémon is THAT???

Grim, offended: I'm not a Pokémon! I'm a TRAINER. Just you wait! I'll be the greatest Elite Four Champion ever! Myahahahaha!

Yuu: Does that make me the Pokémon in this relationship?

~*~

Riddle Rosehearts was the youngest trainer to ever become a gym leader in Twisted Wonderland, and remains one of the most ruthless.

Gym leader Riddle specializes in primarily fire type Pokémon! Which is why so many new challengers who come prepared with a full team of Water-types are so caught off guard when Riddle's partner Pokémon, Roserade, comes out! Who finishes them off with her signature move "Off With Your Head!"

Losers are enlisted to paint the hedge maze roses of the Heartslabyul gym to appear like Poké balls.

More headcanons and enlarged photos below:

Riddle

Heartslabyul is the first gym most new trainers encounter

It is situated in the same city as the trainer school, where Riddle enjoys tutoring on his days off

His partner Pokémon, Roserade, was gifted to him by a childhood friend (Trey) back when it was still a weak little Budew

Mrs. Rosehearts belongs to the ranks of Nurse Joys and originally wanted Riddle to study medicine. To everyone's shock, obedient young Rosehearts went on to become a formidable trainer and eventually declared, much to his mother's chagrin, his intention to become a gym leader and help new trainers

Riddle is still the youngest gym leader, at 18 years old

Despite his harsh exterior, many trainers still attribute much of their success to Leader Rosehearts' insistence on practicing the basics.

If you are strong and fortunate enough to ever challenge Riddle again, his fully trained 6 team includes Roserade, Ninetails, Flareon, Rapidash, Alolan Rapidash, and Shaymin.

When pressed, Riddle refuses to answer where he met a member of the elusive Shaymin Pokémon.

Riddle can often be found racing or playing polo at the Equestrian club, riding either of his Rapidashs.

Despite all the good he does, Riddle can often be too much of a stickler to the rules and unable to see outside-the-box

He first meets Yuu when he is kicking Ace and Deuce, two new trainers, out of his gym for trying to cheat their way through his hedge maze puzzle and disparaging the idea of going to trainer school, refusing to let them challenge him and effectively ending their dreams of challenging the elite four.

It is only after Yuu challenges him for Ace and Deuce's right to re-enter the gym, and uses both lessons Riddle preaches and unusual outside-the-box thinking to defeat him, that Riddle reconsiders his black and white view of the world.

He gives Ace and Deuce a second chance, on the expectation that they first go to trainer school for a week, and asks if Yuu would consider sharing their unique battling style with the students at the school (despite these techniques not being taught in any books)

In the end, all three, Ace, Deuce, and Yuu, earn their Heartslabyul badges, and Riddle wishes them luck at the next gym.

Yuu

No one quite knows where this trainer came from.

All anyone knows is that they showed up out of nowhere with a talking feline Pokémon no Pokédex recognizes, named Grim.

For whatever reason, Team STYX keeps trying to capture Grim for some nefarious purpose.

But despite Yuu's unimposing figure and having just recently started their journey, they are actually a very formidable trainer and have managed to battle off every one of Team STYX's attempts.

Yuu meets Ace and Deuce while the two of them are being kicked out of Heartslabyul gym and a fast friendship is formed.

Ace declares that they are all rivals now, but they still travel together from city to city.

To Ace and Deuce's horror, Yuu seems to enjoy sleeping over in abandoned and haunted houses on their journey

Ghost Pokémon seem to particularly like Yuu

Yuu sometimes runs into an interesting person during their travels, a man they have nicknamed Tsunotaro

Tsunotaro seems to always show up whenever Team STYX is getting up to no good, and helps Yuu battle them off and clear out various Team STYX bases of operation throughout Twisted Wonderland.

Ace and Deuce have never met this mysterious Tsunotaro, but if they did they would be shocked to discover that he is actually Malleus Draconia, Twisted Wonderland's infamous and terrifying Elite Four Champion

But to Yuu he's just Tsunotaro, a weird but nice guy who seems to think fighting off a crime syndicate together counts as a date

[calicoheartz]

“Baby I” - Paige Bueckers♡

summary : jealous Paige Bueckers x reader !

wc ; 897

synopsis : inspired by the song “baby i” by Ariana Grande :) Paige’s jealousy often gets in the way of your relationship, so what happens when you interact with a particularly attractive stranger?

warning : angst , suggestive content , jealousy / possessiveness

my master list ㇀♡

a/n : look at me having a posting streak !! decided to try something new today, so I hope yall enjoy ◡̈

You and Paige had been dating for not too long, but your relationship had certainly developed into one where strong feelings and emotions played a huge factor in your everyday lives.

It was no secret to you that Paige was jealous, envious even; it caused you a fair share of problems throughout your relationship. Whether it was through jealous ridden comments, or snarky remarks, it was slowly starting to take a toll on you.

You and Paige were invited to go bar hopping with the team, as a celebration of the victorious win for Uconn. The free spirited and ambient environment encouraged you to let loose, encouraging you to not only grab a drink from the bar, but to strike up a couple of conversations with individuals around you.

It’s not that Paige didn’t want you to talk to other people, it’s just that when it comes to you; she’s very, how do I word this.. Overbearing? Whether it was constantly having her hands glued to your waist, peppering your face with kisses, or shooting bitter looks and whoever even dares to be just a little too friendly.

On this particular night, a very attractive character to say the least, approached you; beginning to start a simple conversation. Asking things like your name, complimenting your outfit, and overall trying to learn more about you

From across the room, you can see the blonde staring intensely at you, giving you a disapproving look; signaling you to end the conversation. You furrowed your brows and gave her a confused look back, not understanding how the conversation was moving south in any way.

You quickly turned back around, further continuing your conversation with the stranger, when all of a sudden you feel a harsh tug on your wrist. “It was nice meeting you, but we have to go.” And just like that, there you were, being dragged out of the bar by your girlfriend. Who seemed incredibly pissed.

The drive back home was unbearable, no words were exchanged between you two. The blonde never acknowledging you on your journey back home, knuckles white due to her intense grip on the steering wheel. You couldn’t tell if she was upset, disappointed, horny, or a mix of all 3.

As soon as you reached your apartment, your nerves were eating you alive. You had no idea what was waiting for you once you reached your apartment door.

You quickly hurried inside, and situated yourself on your shared couch. Waiting for her to say something. You felt your heart pounding, unable to even form coherent words. When you realized the endless silence, you simply muttered out a “I’m..sorry?.” Paige rolled her eyes at you, scoffing in the process. “YOU’RE sorry? They were practically throwing themselves at you and all you did was stand there and let them.” You were shocked, you knew Paige could take things the wrong way, but you never imagined her of all people would think you would be the type to do that.

“Paige…” you started. “You know I love you more than anything, but you know words can’t even touch what’s in my heart,” you continued. Your eyes now spilling out tears you tried your hardest to keep in.

“Then why don’t you ever tell me?”... “I feel like I’m constantly competing with others for your attention” This statement startled you, as you knew Paige was well aware of your difficulty to express yourself, let alone reassure others. Fuck. Oh how badly you wished the floor underneath you would simply collapse, giving you any sort of escape from the high tensioned conversation.

You felt as if you were to speak, your throat would simply close up. You managed to croak out.. “It’s just when I try to explain it, I be sounding insane. Sometimes it feels like the words don’t ever come out right.” She looks at you, her gaze softening a bit; as a reaction to your sudden vulnerability.

“It’s just I don’t know…the words just never come out right when it comes to you. You make me get all tongue tied and twisted, and I literally cannot explain what I’m feeling.” “Baby-” “No.” - you cut her off. Quickly feeling a rush of adrenaline run through you. “Yes, I should’ve been more clear and work on my communication, but you need to realize that not everyone is trying to sabotage our relationship. It’s exhausting. I can’t keep isolating myself due to your jealous fits of rage.”

Paige looks at you, tears welling in her eyes, threatening to spill out if she even mumbles out a word. She muttered a quiet “im sorry…”, her voice cracking at the last word, her eyes glued to the floor as she anticipated your response.

As if she were a magnet, you run towards her and wrap your arms around her tall frame, gently rubbing circles into your back as sobs slowly escape her lips. This entire thing had been a complete misunderstanding, and her jealousy blinded her judgment. Through her weeps you were able to make out “i love you. All i was trying to say is that youre my everything and-”

She wasnt even able to finish her sentence as she felt your warm lips on hers, entangling her in a deep and loving kiss. “If that doesnt show you that i love you, i dont know what will”

not sure how to feel about this tbh, originally i was gonna give this a sad ending but since the song is a love song, it didn’t feel fitting. Lmk ur thoughts !! Thanks for reading ◡̈

[bu-blegh-ost]

Something just occured to me. Circling through each beautiful moment in the campaign, I noticed a pattern. Gillion never initiates hugs. Every time, no matter if he is the one consoling or the one being consoled, he never is the first person to offer an embrace. And I think it says something.

When Jay wants to hug Gill, she always asks first. She opens her arms as an invitation and always gives him a clear sign that she wants to be close to him. And any time she offers, anytime Gillion gets permission, any time he feels like he is allowed one, he clings to her desperately and fully, starved for it, finding himself unable to let go too quickly, savoring it like he isn't sure when he is going to be allowed to have another.

Chip's hugs are unprompted and usually done with just as much desperation. They are completely controlled by emotion, and are a form of a language that Chip uses when love and appreciation cannot be expressed by words anymore. Chip never asks for hugs, he takes them. He needs them, so he is scared to ask like Jay does, cause asking means risking to be denied. It is safer to steal it. In contrast Jay is still asking cause she is still afraid of taking love for granted.

But they both, in the end, ask for hugs and comfort in their own ways. Gillion doesn't. He wants it, he needs it so often, but he never dares to ask for it. Cause he still treats love as a reward that he needs to earn, that he is not allowed to ask for, that can't be had, unless he does something that makes him worthy of being loved. Affection and love is a currency and Gill was taught that he needs to fight for it. That it's something he should never dare to request on his own.

How many times on their journey did he need to feel someone else's body close to his, but his lips were sealed, suffering in silence, thinking he Has not done well enough to be given the privalage of being comforted? How many aches and worries did he swallow down and burried deep inside? How many old wounds is he trying to fill with every single hug he receives, when someone else offers it to him? When he dares to take it, when he grips their clothes in an iron grip, trying to make the best out of it before it's gone? Cause who knows when someone allows him to have that again?

The only person Gill ever hugged first was Edyn, the first time in Allport. It was done with the same ferocity of a hurt child, of a little boy who Has been going through hell and his sister is his only remedy. The only person that always lets him have love for free. The only one he knows he can hug for sure. One who for so many years has been the only source of comfort.

The rest of the world is uncertain and even with Chip and Jay, Gill still strives to fulfill the unsaid cryteria of when he is worthy of their affection.

But I know that with enough reassurance and care, he will be able to ask for love himself and start treating his crew as people he can fall back on. And just so you know, the moment in which Gillion is the first one to hug Chip or Jay is going to make me cry like a little baby.

_______

Edit: more thoughts occured

Did you notice that Jay always seems to match Gill and Chip when it comes to hugging? She never asks Chip for hugs and takes them the same way Chip does, no matter if she is the one seeking or offering comfort. And the same goes with Gill. Regardless of whether she is the one in the need of comfort or she is the one comforting, she always verbally communicates a desire to hug first. Like she kinda feels that this is what Gillion needs from her to accept it.

So maybe Jay is actually always trying to search for the most effective way to get a hug, to increase her chances. She believes she has to, cause she cannot take love for granted anymore, not after Ava's death. She took her for granted and now she is gone. So now Jay struggles to freely express her own desires and instead clings to all the ways that she thinks guarantee her the affection she needs, an act of desperation in its own right. A silent plea for acceptance.

Each Captain on this ship treats each embrace as a treasure to savor and protect. It's a result of their past and their fears, but also a proof of unyielding love they have for each other. It's beautiful and one day the same love that they still dread to take, will heal them.

[wilcze-kudly]

I do find it annoying how a lot of Zutara fans tweak the character's stories, personalities and even the timelines to suit their own needs.

Once again, there's nothing wrong with fanon and headcanons, however if looking through the lense of canon, you're objectively wrong.

I ended up stumbling on a post from a Zutara shipper. (At this point I'm regretfully considering not following the tags for Zuko or Katara because I get way too much Zutara content lol) I'm not replying directly to her because I don't want this to turn into an argument, and I know she doesn't take criticism very well.

Ok, So let's break this down.

The character who was first out of the group to trust Zuko?

I'm quite sure this is referring to the scene in Ba Sing Se's caves. And yes, that is a very important scene. I think it's a very important scene preceeding Zuko's 'relapse'. It shows how he's matured during his time in Ba Sing Se and therefore it serves to add to our dismay when he joins Azula. I adore the fact that Zuko's journey to redemption is not linear, it certainly adds a lot to the character and shows us how his trauma affected him.

It's also a horrific moment for Katara. To have her worldview on Zuko and firebenders as a whole challenged, and then for it to go blowing up in her face. It rips open old wounds of her childhood. It refreshes her resentment of Zuko and the Fire Nation as a whole. It parallels the death of her mother when Aang dies due to Azula's lighting and she is unable to do anything about it. It places her back in that spot of helplessness. Even though she's grown up, even though she's a master waterbender, she still comes a hair's breadth to losing one of the most important people in her life.

No wonder she hated Zuko so much after this.

It's an important moment for both characters, but I wouldn't say it is that in a romantic sense. It's a sweet, hopeful moment that then turns absolutely horrific and visceral for both parties.

I could argue that there are other characters who could be given the title of 'first to trust Zuko'. Funnily, Appa being one of them lol.

But other characters trusting Zuko dovetails nicely into the next point.

The character who emotionally connects to Zuko?

Well, technically, I'd argue that most members of the Gaang connect emotionally on one level or another with him?

But I'd argue that Aang is the person Zuko connected with the most. Aang is Zuko's parallel. Aang is the first person to reach out to Zuko. Aang is the person who showed mercy to Zuko, multiple times. Aang is the person who valued Zuko's life, the life of someone whose whole life goal is to capture him.

This was also an incredibly important moment to Zuko. This is the thing he brings up when trying to convince the Gaang to let him join.

Zuko: Why aren't you saying anything? You once said you thought we could be friends. You know I have good in me.

The character Zuko feels safest letting his guard down around?

It's Mai. Love her or hate her, her relationship with Zuko is incredibly important to him. Maiko isn't my favourite Zuko ship, in full honesty. But even platonically, Mai and Zuko are one another's reprieve from their respective shitty lives.

People often talk about Katara touching Zuko's scar while discussing healing his scar, however one could argue that she did so as a medical examination. Mai touching Zuko's scar is a casual thing, neither of them really make a big deal of it and that's the beauty of it.

I'm mainly talking out of my own personal experience, as someone with a huge amount of burn scars, but there is a world of difference between someone inspecting my scars like Katara did and simply accepting them as a part of me, like Mai does for Zuko.

With Mai, Zuko isn't the scarred banished prince, Ozai's son or Azula's brother. He's just Zuko. And they speak freely with one another, arguing like real people do. Often, being comfortable having arguments is actually a sign of being comfortable with one another.

The character who helps Zuko heal from his trauma?

Once again, this is a bit of a flawed question. By the end of the show, Zuko isn't even fully healed, in my opinion. He has made leaps and bounds on the road to recovery, but when he will truly heal if ever is yet to be seen.

Zuko's journey to recovery includes plenty of people. This includes Iroh, Aang, Song and Jin. People who show him the error of his coping mechanism. Who challenge his worldview, who coax him out of the his shell of pain and anger.

The character known for showing most compassion to others?

Yes, Katara's compassion is a huge part of her character. Her need to help and protect those who cannot do that for themselves cannot be understated.

But Aang's compassion for others and all beings is just as great, if not greater than Katara's. Compassion and nonviolence are huge parts of his culture and his own philosophy.

Aang: Wait, we can't just leave him here. Sokka: Sure we can. Let's go. Aang :No, if we leave him he'll die. Aang airbends himself off Appa and retrieves Zuko, bringing him to Appa. Sokka: [Sarcastically.] Yeah, this makes a lot of sense. Let's bring the guy who's constantly trying to kill us.

Friendly reminder that Aang could've absolutely wrecked Ozai, but held back because his own moral compass was so powerful. Hell, he was friendly and nice to Azula, the woman who literally killed him.

This is why Aang and Katara work so well together. They're both incredibly compassionate people who will immediately jump in to help others in need. Like they did during the Painted Lady, destroying the factiry together.

The character who primarily bears the burden of having to step up into a parental role?

I think "parental role" is an incredibly vague term. There's a lot of things that go into a "parental role". Katara plays a stereotypically "maternal" role, while someone who plays a "paternal" one would probably be Sokka.

Katara deals with very "homemaking" tasks like sewing and cooking, etc. And Sokka often takes on the role of leader, hunter, gatherer and also protector, despite being a nonbender.

This coincides nicely with their core childhood traumas. The loss of Katara's mother impacted her greatly, leading her to have to step up into a motherly role. While Sokka was clearly heavily traumatised by his father departing and the crushing responsibility of having to care for his entire village.

Sexism also probably played a part in this dichotomy.

The character who represses their emotions to be strong for others?

I'd argue that this could apply to all the members of the Gaang in some capacity.

Aang's pain is something most of us will never experience and cannot hope to understand. The complete horrific destruction of his culture and home followed him through the entire show. He was entitled to his grief and rage, yet he supressed it. We see during Appa's kidnapping, how easy it would be for Aang to rage, to let himself be destructive. And yet, he wakes up every day and chooses to smile and goof off, because his friends need someone to remind them how to be children.

Sokka puts on a very impressive bravado, despite having a lot of insecurities. However, as the oldest member of the Gaang (pre Zuko) he puts on a facade of the confident and unbothered older brother. Even if he's the butt of almost every joke, he still keeps that demeanour up, letting it slip only a few times.

I'd actually argue that Toph is the person whom this label fits best. While we know Toph as witty, callous and strong, we have to remember that she kept up the facade of her parents' good, helpless little blind girl for no reason other than her mother and father's comfort. She actually hides a lot of her hurt, covering it up with a prickly exterior.

I want to do longer think pieces about Toph and Katara so apologies if this isn't complete.

I'm actually baffled by the idea of Katara repressing her emotions. She's actually quite straightforward and open about her feelings. She yells and feels a lot of emotions and lets them be heard. She gets angry and sad. She's actually kinda bitchy sometimes and that's honestly why I love her so much.

The whole inciting incident of the show was her getting so pissed off she somehow pulls a giant iceberg from the bottom of the sea.

She is anything but repressed.

She is angry.

She's angry at the fire nation, at Sokka, at her father, at men, and with good right to be so.

This is what makes her an amazing character and one who broke the mould of a lot of female characters at the time. Her anger and unrestrained emotions rang true with a lot of watchers at the time. I'm not sure why this is being taken away from her rather than celebrated.

I reiterate the point I made at the beginning of this post: there is nothing wrong with headcanons and fanon interpretations for one's enjoyment. I do find it a bit odd when it changes a character too much (because then, why not just create an oc?) but it's all in good fun. However, you shouldn't push that onto other people and how they perceive canon and you certainly shouldn't use it to take away from other characters. It's a very unfair way of entering discourse.

[saiidahyunie]

you in my heart 

chou tzuyu x f!reader 

synopsis: if i can keep myself close to cherish you, then my heart will forever be in your hands. 

warnings: fluff ; angst ? ; friends to lovers ; clc elkie and sana appear!

a/n: this fic is my creative writing lifeline soooooo :P

chou tzuyu doesn’t like idiots. 

in the many years of her glorious friendship with you, tzuyu has watched, in all scopes, just how damn impatient you were about your decisions. she’s seen it all - whether it’s simply put in which you threw caution to the wind and helped tzuyu ditch school just for a quick detour to the beach as a way to cheer her up after the argument she had with her parents. 

(might to add, that happened in the one week of getting to know each other.) 

or, whether it would be the way tzuyu saw you drawing, once and decided that the route of art was the destination. better yet, the slight hitch of breath of your decision - last second- of moving in with tzuyu, on the day her lease was up for renewal. 

these many things between the fine lines of dumb and stupid could not have prepared tzuyu for this: 

you being settled on the floor with a dark red shirt that had a white minimal graphic with the name of the brand being something from your dad’s work, hair set off neatly off to the side with a hint of fringe peaking at the top, an apple juice box in your hands washing down the ritz crackers you swiped from the box, without knowing how it fans the flames in every one of tzuyu’s nerves. 

you look at tzuyu, holding your gaze, jaw moving with two chewed crackers in your mouth, before averting your eyes to the crushed juice box next to you. 

“tzuyu,” you say, fingers fast on the wrapper fishing out another cracker. “you’re not gonna eat?” 

tzuyu says nothing, only shaking her head before settling back against the leg of the sofa, crossing her arms against her chest. 

“tzuyu,” you whine, grabbing her wrist that had pinches of salt all over your fingertips, “why are you not saying anything?” 

as if tzuyu can ever ignore the constant pull that she feels towards you. 

“what’s going on?” tzuyu asks you now, knowing that nothing positive ever comes out of your mouth when she’s soaking in this tone that you’re presenting, voice breaking high and towards the end, as though you wouldn’t be able to breath right if tzuyu does not talk to you, or look at you. 

“you’re a girl right?” 

tzuyu blinks once, doe eyes out in the open space while she’s unable to guess the trajectory that this conversation might go. 

“yes, and?” 

you smile, bright and warm, tzuyu nudges closer until her knee touches your thigh. 

“cool! me too!” you say. “well, i don’t know, actually. but, the point is that i’ve never dated a girl before. have you?” 

tzuyu’s sexuality has been acknowledged, conveyed, and accepted between the both of you without any real sense of words. you had always been perceptive, and when tzuyu’s eyes wandered on only at he women in the movies that she used to watch together with you during high school, you knew that your best friend was a lesbian, and squeezed her hand firmly to let her know that. 

it was never really discussed after that, until now. 

your sexuality, in tandem, has been acknowledged, conveyed, and accepted between the both of you devidating your realization through a sudden urge to declare the moment out loud on a random day. you tumbled your way onto tzuyu a week ago, holding her hands tight, screaming about how you barely realized that you were bisexual and how “everything makes so much sense to me!” 

ever since that day, tzuyu had to witness the only person she has loved even before she knew how to love someone else flirting with nearly everyone. she could only be supportive of her best friend’s journey up til this point. 

“i haven’t,” tzuyu replies. 

your face lights up, eyebrows arched and eyes wide open. “well, have you kissed another girl before?” 

tzuyu suddenly feels like she is neck deep in water that she’s not used to swimming in, struggling to keep herself afloat in her mind. “i…have.” 

your face beams more brighter than before it diminishes into the stark emptiness of the night after the flames on a bonfire slowly wither away. “hey,” you say. “you didn’t tell me about that, tzu! we’re besties, aren’t you supposed to tell me everything?” 

tzuyu scoots herself over to put a hand on your shoulder. “it was a long time ago,” she says. the world of sapphism was something beautiful to be apart of. seeing the pride parties to be an enlightenment of sorts while also pulling the heart in a more wrenching way. she wanted to belong there with the vast crowd of people but was also aware that she doesn’t want to put herself into that space, if it meant leaving your side. 

“it doesn’t really matter now.” 

“hey.” you say, scooting closer to match her. tzuyu’s hand lingers on your shoulder before letting go. “of course, it does. was it any good?” 

tzuyu doesn’t recall much from those separate experiences, let alone want to remember any from long ago. “yes, i think so. but it was like years since then, so it doesn’t matter.” 

“what makes you say that? why did you stop yourself? are you going to be kissing girls when we go to that pride party next week?” 

“i told you, y/n. it doesn’t matter. why are you even asking about this?” 

you have another smile spread across, hands moving up and down tzuyu’s arm, causing a ripple effect of goosebumps rising on the crook of her neck. “i have something to ask you.” 

when you pull your hands away, picking a cracker from the new stack you just opened, holding against tzuyu’s lips. 

when tzuyu makes no move to open her mouth, your encourage her by nodding despite becoming more and more doting and impatient (which was on brand for your antics). 

tzuyu merely holds it against her teeth, unwilling to take a bit nor choke on the bit after your request. 

you take a deep breath, and twine your hands with hers, looking into her eyes steadily. 

“i want you to kiss me.” 

these several plus years of friendship that tzuyu will never get enough of, tired was also out of the question. nothing could’ve prepared her for the opportunity of hearing those words that deeply carve out one of the core instincts that she has been fighting to keep within. 

the cracker falls out of tzuyu’s mouth.

you, on the other hand, face full of optimism and hope immediately replaced with frowns from the fallen cracker sitting on tzuyu’s lap, picking it up. your fingers brush against her hip bone, and tzuyu suppresses a gasp. 

also, you’re oblivious to tzuyu’s inner crisis, looking at the cracker before biting it, in the same spot more than a third of the cracker is caught between your teeth. 

“what are you saying?” 

“i want you to kiss me.” you say, seriously, after chewing the last part of the cracker that will haunt tzuyu’s dreams for the coming decades. 

“why?” 

“do people need a reason to kiss each other, tzuyu?” 

“when the people in the problem set are one’s best friends, then of course.” 

you sigh, troubled. “fine,” you say, not willing to look up from where you fidget with the ripped wrapper of the cracker stack. “you got me. i have a date with a girl this weekend and i have never kissed a girl, ever. i want it to be good for her. you’ve kissed a girl, and i want you to assess me.” 

“assess you?” 

nodding to tzuyu’s question. “i want it to be good for her, tzu! besides, you’re one of the few people that i trust the most. i want you to kiss me and tell me how it is. now are you gonna help me?” 

a few seconds of silence pass that the weight of it envelops every fabric and cell of their being, you begin to fiddle with the hem of your shirt, a habit that you procured in times of nervousness. 

“forget it,” you say abruptly. “i know that sana has kissed girls before. i’ll ask her—” 

“no!”

“no?” 

“no,” tzuyu says, holding your face between her soft hands. “i’ll do it,” she says. “i’ll help you with this.” 

—

you taste like a wintergreen mint. 

tzuyu tilts her head up, one hand spread across the back of your neck, the other, holding your chin so that she can deepen the kiss, until tzuyu herself begins to taste the minty aroma and feel like stardust. 

tzuyu also should’ve been keeping an open ear to the cautionary tune her heart laid out in front of her. her mind should’ve also said the same thing the way her brain racked the sole idea of kissing you for practice. nothing good would come out of this. you will kiss another girl sometime this weekend and many other girls after that, but tzuyu is weak and in love and can’t fathom not kissing you, not when you asked it yourself. 

your arms are coiled around tzuyu’s long neck, pulling her closer than ever before, even though the meters between the two of you now are only separated by the thin layers of clothes. gently trailing her fingers from your chin to your neck and waist, tzuyu hauls you up until you settle on her lap. 

the both of you break apart for a second, your eyes with a glint to them, dazed, glossy pink lips still parted, bodies molding together oh-so perfectly. 

it was you who kissed tzuyu for the first time, so tzuyu takes it upon herself to press your forehead with hers, chasing your lips for more. the kiss itself is less frantic and more gentle, taking her time skimming her hands across your back, tilting your head towards her, trailing your hands every single spot possible in the hopes of grasping something. eventually, you fingers are in her hair, taking apart the ponytail and running your fingers through it again. 

love me, tzuyu mouths out while she kisses you. love me, only me, no one else, just me. 

tzuyu’s lips find your jaw, feathery kisses until she meets the fork where your ear and neck meet. you let out a small noise from the bottom of your throat and tzuyu wants to have it all, to revel in it, keep it close to herself in her heart for the eons of years to pass. she finds her way to your neck, and the idea of marking you, to show the mystery girl that you’ll see know that she was here first, and with the premonition that she’ll stay with you forever–

under the crook of your neck, in the palms of your hands, hooked on your ribs as if the set numbers were like lifelines; anywhere, wherever you see fit. 

when you two finally break apart this time, you open your eyes, blinking rapidly to erase the remnants of the daze that was clouding the both of you, smiling softly that tzuyu thinks she’s in a dream. although, it wouldn’t be the first time that she’s dreamt something dangerously real, can’t accept the facts. 

but your body is warm between tzuyu’s palms, floral scent draping all of her sense. you were as real as you can be. tzuyu feels nervous with the pricks

of sweat coating her neck, heart rate struggling to keep calm inside her chest, threatening to break free from the cages. 

in her dreams, your eyes wouldn’t suddenly widen in disbelief, you wouldn’t clutch onto tzuyu’s shoulders, not willing to meet tzuyu’s eyes after that. 

a block forms, tugging from the depths of tzuyu’s chest. 

“y/n,” tzuyu asks, voice horse. “did i go too far?” 

you snap your eyes towards tzuyu, in fact not meeting her eyes, rapidly shaking your head. “no, not at all.” you answer, tone shrill. “but a–, that was—was really good.” 

finally meeting tzuyu’s eyes, your face swept in a vibrant pink. 

“that was?” 

you, in a flurry of sudden actions, pat tzuyu’s hair to flatten it, pinching her cheek, before breaking apart the bubble of a minty fulfilled dream that just happened a few seconds ago. “is that even a question?” you ask, licking your lips. “kissing girls is so different from kissing boys,” you say. “i liked this a lot. was it, um, w-was it good for you?” 

“what are you talking about?” tzuyu laughs, seeing a smile on your face. “you’re a good kisses,” she says, trying to be as objective as she can. this was a test, an experiment after all. not an outcry of feelings. “you know what you’re doing, so it won’t be bad for you this weekend when you go. i’m sure of that.” 

standing up, you pat down your shirt and sweatpants, saying, “okay good, i’m—i’m happy that it was good for you because it was good for me, clearly, and i–shoot—i should probably—” 

you don’t spare tzuyu another glance, running off to your room, the slam of the door echoed through the walls. 

tzuyu just sits there, back against the leg of the sofa, the half-eaten stack of crackers and empty glasses of water on the table, enthralling her attention as if they were people who just witnessed something out in public. her head hits the cushion behind her, clenching the scream wanting to be unleashed from inside her. 

for the reminder of how reality works in this world, things will–not remain the same between her and you. the air was already heavy with tension, anchored with tzuyu’s feeling, suspended in time with the words captive in the nooks and cracks of her body. 

tzuyu will have to learn how to live with the knowledge of how you taste, the small noises you make, the way your face shapes when her mouth is on yours, eyes closed as you chase tzuyu’s mouth like it was the last thing you had to do. 

she doesn’t know how to recover from this information. 

—

the two of you don’t talk about it. 

few days pass, and tzuyu leaves her pottery class. you arrive a few hours after you were sure that tzuyu was asleep. 

(she wasn’t asleep. in fact, she was waiting for you to come home. only able to fully rest when the sound of the door opening and closing, the soft sounds of your feet hitting the wood in and around the house.)

you and tzuyu have a thursday class together in music theory, sharing a shaken look between each other when the paths cross to the living room.

“you wanna leave together?” you ask, strangely nervous with a pensive look on your face. 

tzuyu nods her head, and that was it. 

you two don’t talk about it still, because there’s nothing to be discussed. 

after dinner, tzuyu finds herself going along to being kissed by you again. more practice never hurt anybody, or anyone for that matter. 

tzuyu slides in her bed with a heavy heat, lips aflame with the phantom stir of yours on them. 

it’s okay, she thinks. it’s gonna be okay. i’ll be okay. 

—

“you’re leaving?” tzuyu asks you on saturday, realizing in a manner that your date was today. a date, the whole reason you kissed tzuyu. 

you look dashing, transcendent beyond existence. tzuyu loves you so much. 

nervously, you start messing with the flimsy fabric of your dress pants, “i am,” you say, “did you want something?” 

“no,” tzuyu lies, heart clogging her throat. 

you take a step closer, breaking the bubble around tzuyu. “did you want to say something?” 

“no,” tzuyu lies again, heart in her hands. 

“okay then.” you say, “i’ll be going now.” 

“okay.” tzuyu replies. “have fun on your date.” 

something omniscient falls over the ever-constant glow on your face. “i will, i’m sure of it.” 

tzuyu feels her pulse accelerate, hands clenching and unclenching in succession. there’s so much that she wants to blurt out. so much that will ruin the close friendship that she has with you. but being selfish isn’t the way to go, the risk that is carried by making her feelings your problems too. 

it’ll be fine, tzuyu tells herself. this will pass too. she’s fine, she’s okay, she’s breathing—and if she keeps beating it down her being, maybe her heart won’t feel like it’s being trampled on. 

everything will be okay, this will all work out in the end. 

—

“something is wrong,” sana begins, eating her french fry, the same evening when she invites herself to tzuyu’s home with a bag of food and snacks. “you’re not okay.” 

“everything is great!” tzuyu says, chasing down her words with half of a boba drink. “and, i am okay.” 

sana’s eyes narrow suspiciously. “it’s not really you to lie in front of my face.” 

“i need you to stop prying.” 

“is it because y/n’s on that date right now?” 

“sana, i’m fine.” 

“shut up, it is, isn’t it?!”

“sana!”

“okay, i’ll stop,” sana says, raising her hands in surrender. “i believe you. everything is okay and you are doing fine.” 

—

you don’t offer more information about your date other than just saying, “we should go watch that one movie together, tzuyu.” 

tzuyu doesn’t even bother asking either. 

two days after, you come bearing another tempting proposition that steals tzuyu’s breath away—literally. 

“that one barista from the cafe we regularly go to asked me out,” you say, already straddling tzuyu’s lap. “i didn’t kiss that girl from saturday and i think i’m a little iffy about my–technique. can you help me with it again?”

tzuyu tears down the banners of doubts in her mind, providing her mouth pressing against yours, feeling like the can finally breath now after not being able to for so long. 

she doesn’t bother asking you about it, again. 

—

more and more kisses are being shared in the days leading up to your date. always in the evening, an hour before going to bed.

tzuyu finds out all the different ways in which you like being kissed. even though an unspoken boundary between them is crossed past the point of rational thinking. she finds herself putting up a boundary before it becomes all too much, too fast. like her soul feels like it’s being robbed of once those walls are up, but it’s okay. 

tzuyu tells herself that it’s okay. she will live through this. 

she’s fine, and everything’s gonna be okay. 

—

when you come back from the date, drunk, the sleep is immediately left from tzuyu’s body, and she’s alert, awake on the sofa. she puts her book and the small blanket back in their places, walking over to help you remove your shoes and find your way back into the house.

you look at tzuyu with a blearily smile, holding onto her waist tightly. “hi,” you say, grinning. 

“hi,” tzuyu greets back, holding onto you as you’re sliding on the floor, head lolling back on the head of the sofa. “are you alright?” 

“amazing!” you answer, giddy. 

“how was your date?” 

tzuyu blinks one eye open, grinning sarcastically. “oh? you didn’t ask me how it went the last time. this is a sign.” 

“you didn’t tell me anything either,” tzuyu also points out. 

you sigh, slumping your head on tzuyu’s toned shoulder. “true,” you mumble. “i guess it was okay.” 

“just okay?” 

tzuyu feels you nodding your head. “i am so tired, tzu!” you whine, nudging your head closer. tzuyu suppresses a shudder as she feels your eyelids fluter closed against her neck. “i’m gonna fall asleep right here, okay?” 

“that’s okay,” tzuyu says, pressing her fingertips into your scalp, just the way that you like it. 

“you’re the best,” you mumble again, sounding half-asleep. “do you know that? you’re the very best, tzu.” 

tzuyu doesn’t know how to respond without revealing the very depth of everything she feels about you. 

“i guess,” your whisper is like a knife through the curtain of silence between the two of you. “i guess the problem is that no one is you. they don’t kiss the way that you do.” 

tzuyu’s heart stops. “y/n, what do you mean?” 

…

“y/n?” 

…

a lack of a reply prompts tzuyu to thread her fingers through your hair, gently tapping your shoulder. “y/n.” she softly calls. “don’t you know to not say things like this to me?” she whispers too, confident that you were asleep. your breath steady, head heavy. 

you mumble something closely incoherent, and your head sags into tzuyu’s chest. 

despite the tumultuous beat of her heart, tzuyu finds herself smiling, as she cradles your head, hoping that laying on her lap would be more comfortable for you, and drapes the blanket over your legs. 

“that’s the issue with me, too.” tzuyu says while palming your hair. “i guess i stopped kissing other people because they weren’t you. i wish i could stop looking for you in every person that i meet.” 

—

it’s not like tzuyu was not aware of the happy hour event that’s regularly held at that one bar that the friend group usually ends up in at a night like this, but it’s just that she didn’t care enough about it, especially after living for about three months in a new city. 

two days after you realized that you were bisexual, you looked at the poster that announced the party for the lgbtq community happening on a friday night well off into the new semester with a newfound excitement. “we should go here!” you shrieked while pointing at the poster. “i didn’t even know that this was a thing.” 

“it’s a thing alright,” tzuyu answers, resigning herself to the fate of ending up at that party, especially a few weeks before happening. 

“have you ever been to a party like this?” 

“not a lot, but a few.” tzuyu replies. “they’re interesting.” and unfamiliar, because they’re loud and crowded. the heavy bass of music blasting through the speakers, making her heart match to the beat of the rhythm. 

“well, you should show me around then!” you had said, and that was it. 

now, about a little over three weeks or so after tzuyu first made out with her best friend only to help you practice for dates with people that weren’t tzuyu, standing in front of the said best friend, trying to obviously leer at your appearance. 

you were wearing a white crop top shirt with ripped jeans layered with a black leather jacket. this outfit in particular had been printed in tzuyu’s brain since she saw you wear it for the first time—and a one piece dress

you catch tzuyu looking and wink. “what? i look good, don’t i?” 

‘good’ doesn’t even begin to cover it, but tzuyu nods, nonetheless. 

bounding up with tzuyu, arms interlocked together. “thank you!” you exclaim. “you have to look great too! when did you buy this blouse?” you ask, gesturing at tzuyu’s outfit. “i have to borrow it one day,” you say, as you make your way outside the house, head resting on tzuyu’s shoulder.

“okay,” tzuyu readily agrees despite it being her favorite blouse and your tendency to not return her clothes after ‘borrowing’ them. 

the club is crowded by the time you reach there—full of people that tzuyu recognizes the way gay people tend to recognize each other across the campus, and those she does not. 

your face is set with an ever-present grin, taking in the clamour and infecting excitement of energy that’s radiating of all the people here. all eyes were on you and you just seem to bask in it, but your eyes were on tzuyu. there’s a low glo to you. the only person glowing in a sea of people. tzuyu is so in love with you that it aches, it aches, and it aches. 

“let’s dance!” you yell over the sound of the booming music. 

tzuyu is pulled into your arms the minute she agrees to it. sinking into your arms as though she always belonged there should be weird, tzuyu thinks. it’s supposed to be weird, especially because you and her couldn’t even look at each other until a few days ago, until you came back home drunk and slept on tzuyu’s lap. 

but it isn’t. this feels as natural as breathing, normal like your heart beating, the sun rising, the world turning painstakingly slow. 

colorful lights dance on your face as you pull tzuyu close, hands curling around her neck. tzuyu, helplessly in love, holding you by the waist and sways with some sense of rhythm to the music. 

you pull tzuyu closer, so that her ear is met with your lips. “is this how it always is?” 

“i think so,” tzuyu replies. save for a few strobe lights, the night seems the same as it always does. it must feel different for you though. “how do you feel?” tzuyu asks, resting her chin on your shoulder. 

“good!” you cheer. “like, i didn’t even know that there were so many of us here! i truly believed that it would be less crowded. in fact, it is more.”

tzuyu nods, clutching her hands tighter around your waist. 

you sway and dance together, sometimes following the rhythm of the songs blasting out of the subwoofers, and the other times creating your own rhythm entirely, but that doesn’t matter. 

what matters to tzuyu—at this moment and all the others that have happened and will—is this; your bright smile reserved only for her, your warm hands around hers, your feet falling in step with her, your laughter when you dip down into her, or the high pitched call of her name that makes her twirl in her mind, the gaze fixated on her lips, the grasp on her heart: for now and always forever (in hope) will be you. and only you.

you and tzuyu break apart when you loudly demand that you’re thirsty and need a drink. tzuyu, helpless to do anything else, clutches your hand and makes you follow, even though she can’t wade through the crowd of strangers by the bar. 

tzuyu is grateful that the thump of the music in this area is a lot less, deciding on standing a few feet away, looking at you valiantly finding her way towards the bartender, jumping only when she feels a tap against her shoulder. 

elkie, one of the other friends that tzuyu is very familiar with, perhaps a year her senior, stands across her with a broad smile on her lips. 

“it’s been so long since i saw you here,” she says, stepping closer. “how are you doing?” 

“good,” tzuyu replies with a smile. “how bout you?” 

the music picks up in volume where they are, causing them to stand closer which isn’t entirely ideal, but it’s alright. elkie is good company, and tzuyu doesn’t mind. 

“are you looking for someone?” elkie asks, when she notices tzuyu look into the crowd of people at the bar station trying to see someone in a black leather jacket. “do you want me to help you find them?” 

“just my friend.” tzuyu replies, turning towards elkie. “she went in to get drinks for us and hasn’t come out yet.” 

elkie laughs. “she’ll come back, i’m sure. but tell me about you, tzuyu. are you dating someone?” 

tzuyu darts her eyes away from elkie. “i’m not actually, no.” 

elkie eyes brighten. “well, if that’s the case, call me if you want? you do have my number, right?” 

tzuyu blinks, before the realization dawns on her. “oh,” she says. “no.” she replies, turning towards elkie. 

“elkie, i—” 

elkie’s eyes widen with an understanding. “ah, you’re not seeing someone, but you do like someone,” she infers. tzuyu doesn’t say anything, only turning sideways to the crowd in which you have disappeared to. “yeah,” she replies, looking back at elkie.

she nods, gently holding tzuyu’s shoulders. “i get that,” elkie says. “i hope you figure it out, whatever that may be.” 

“thank you.” 

elkie smiles back, and plants a kiss on the corner of tzuyu’s mouth. “i think i saw someone i didn’t want to see, so i’m gonna run now,” she says. “don’t be a stranger, okay? let’s meet up for some lunch sometime—as friends, of course.” 

tzuyu smiles, patting her back neatly. “i will.” 

elkie excuses herself, walking swiftly past tzuyu, vanishing into the crowd. 

out of a bad habit set in the last fifteen minutes or so, tzuyu looks sideways to the crowd that you had ventured into, only to meet your distraught face. 

your face even turns furious when tzuyu meetes your eyes, but the undercurrent of hurt is open and raw. tzuyu instantly takes a step forward by instinct, wondering what caused it, relizing that you must’ve seen elkie kissing her cheek for this anger to be directed at tzuyu. but it shouldn’t bother you as much as it did—because why would it, it’s not like you to be jealous, because that would imply that you like—

huh. 

“you were here with me.” you shout over the music, steamrolling over close enough for tzuyu to see the shimmer on your skin. “we came here together.” 

“y/n—”

“if you dont’ like me back,” you start, shoulders dipping down in defeat. 

well, shit. 

tzuyu’s body breaks at that. 

“if you don’t like me back, then just say it instead of making me witness whatever the hell i just saw,” you say, drinking the entirety of the fizzy orange behemoth of a drink that was in your hand in one swig, and slamming tzuyu’s shot glass on the table. 

—

tzuyu finds you leaning against someone’s car, staring up at the sky. 

she wordlessly covers your exposed shirt with the leather jacket you dropped on the way out of the club. 

“that was elkie,” tzuyu breaks the silence. “she’s one of the few people that i know from coming to these parties. i guess we somewhat keep in touch now. we don’t like each other romantically. never, no.” 

you blink, while looking at her, nodding while fixing your leather jacket to fit it more better on your shoulders. 

“tzuyu,” you say. “what i said before—”

“is it true? tzuyu asks, urgency seeping in her words by the millisecond. “do you truly like me?” 

you look at tzuyu, broken. “i wore this outfit for you,” you say again. “i hate stiff leather.” 

tzuyu looks at you again, out of depth completely. 

“i hate this jacket but i love the way you look at me when i wear it. so i wore it today, with you. the only person i could see in this crowd today was you, tzuyu,” you say. “i came up with a silly, stupid excuse to kiss you. so you tell me if what i said was true or not.” 

“a stupid excuse?” 

“i didn’t have any dates,” you laugh without levity. “i had people asking me out, yes, but i couldn’t agree because they’re not you, tzuyu. the only person i want to go on a date with. the only person i want to kiss and be kissed is by you. so i lied to your face and told you that i wanted to practice. i made up with a terrible excuse to kiss you that doesn’t even make sense because i thought you could, maybe like me back too! and it really felt like you did, but then i see that and-”

“i like you.” 

you stop your train of thought from the sentence that just came out of tzuyu’s lips. “what did you say?” 

“i like you too,” tzuyu says, as rushed as she could say. “i like you so much. so, so much. it’s—” 

“you…what!?” you jolt with unbridled astonishment, crying, turning to grab tzuyu by the shoulders.

“why do you think i kept kissing you?” tzuyu asks with ardor. “i liked you too much to say no. i just—i couldn’t. and i wanted to go on dates with you and kiss you without having a reason, but i just couldn’t.” 

a bitter laugh leaves your lips, head hung down while you kick your sneakers into the asphalt. 

“you could—you could have,” you say, nodding in fervor. “you could have. i really, really wanted you to.” 

“i just didn’t know,” tzuyu says, regretfully, cupping your face. “and i’m sorry that i didn’t.”

your eyes flutter shut. “well, you do now.” you say. “you know that i like you. i like you so, so much, tzu.” 

“you know that i like you too. so, so much.” 

your eyes open again, teasing a glint quite apparent. “so, what are you going to do with this information, then?” you ask.

tzuyu, with her heart fluttering endlessly in her chest, brings you closer. with eyes closed, you meet tzuyu in the middle. 

you taste like beer, candy blossoms, and heaven. you taste like everything that tzuyu wanted, everything that tzuyu could ever want or need in her life. 

i love you, tzuyu mouths into yours as she kisses you. i love you, love you, love you. 

when you eventually break apart, a smile sprays across your lips, leaning in close, foreheads pressed together, one of tzuyu’s hands on your chest, right where the heart is patting frantically. “i love you, tzu.” 

another kiss is shared again, this time more slowly as the both of you took in the taste of exchanging lips, not wanting to ever pull away. it’s just you and tzuyu, entrapped in that silly little world that you and her have built around for so many years, now elevated to a new echelon. 

chou tzuyu doesn't like idiots.

but there was something about being with you as an idiot that makes it tolerable to deal with, and she doesn't mind that.

brushing your lips against tzuyu’s, you’re giggling and she follows. 

“i’ll embrace you like this, forever.” 

[astralnymphh]

I can just imagine domestic!ellie being oh so sweet and attentive throughout the entire pregnancy.

Letting you hold her arm when you walk, insisting you can’t do anything physically demanding even though it’s only your first trimester, constantly doting on you!! “Need anything babe?” “Does the baby need anything?”

Oh she’d pay attention to the cravings too, give em’ ratings and the whole shabang. Some were weirder than others, but she’d smile through the pain anyway if it made you smile.

OHHH how sweet would she be in early pregnancy if reader has morning sickness (much like Dina in the games) I can just picture how panicked ellie would get at first when all of a sudden you just felt god awful come dawn. Just picture her on an early patrol that Maria had put her down for, always thinking of you both, worrying about her family. What a sweetheart <33

She’d baby you, and the baby, and just be the best helper throughout the entire journey :(

(Ihsm my sweet baby. She does no wrong <\3)

- 🩵

DOMESTIC!ELLIE MY HEARTTT. she really is attached to the baby— physically and mentally. i would not put it past that girl if at night, while she's snuggled up plush against your backside, cold toes pressing dimples into your calves and warm nose leaking hot air upon your shoulder, her palms would not let that baby belly go. massages repeated patterns and some windshield–wiper, back and forth motions over the swollen bump. maybe even lifts her middle finger up to tap, hoping for some sort of communicative sign from the baby, her soft murmur of, "come on buddy, i can't be the only one with insomnia." puffing onto your bare skin. just some silly shenanigans she partakes at the crescent of night— unable to sleep, unlike you. has a firm cycle of doing this and switching her attention to you in the form of numerous kisses hidden on your nape.

literally the type to carry you into every room, which ends up in her basically tumbling instead. least she's got the spirit!

DAILY CLICK . IMPORTANT TLOU POST . PALESTINE INFO

(img from sovphiie on pinterest)

[yourstrulybluelover]

Title: Heat 2

Pairings: Na’vi Reader (23) x Neteyam (24)

Warnings ⚠️: MDNI

Contains: oral, p in v, rough sex,

Word Count: 1953

You find yourself drenched in sweat, letting out groans of discomfort, with your back pressed firmly against the tree trunk as you pull your knees towards your chest. Leaning heavily against the tree, you bury your head in your knees, familiar waves of heat washing over you once more.

This time, you're isolated, the distant bickering of the two brothers echoing in the background. A pang of guilt strikes you; you were meant to be hunting, not the subject of their disagreement. You despise being in a vulnerable position, the center of attention, especially when it renders you unable to take control of the situation.

“Bro, we can’t just leave her here while we get help.” Lo’ak muttered under his breath, peering behind his brother to catch a glimpse of you.

"We both run the risk of being captivated by her pheromones," Neteyam mutters angrily, the echoes of your moans engraved into his mind.

“Boys-“ a sudden static like sound erupted from the comms.

“Dad! Where are you?!” Neteyam blurted out turning away from Lo’ak. “It is Y/N is uh- she’s not looking so good, we gotta get her home or well away.”

“What’s wrong?” Jake’s voice could be heard but broken, interrupted by the static.

“She’s in heat.” Lo’ak said, pressing two fingers to his throat, still peering at you. This time you’re bent over in pain. Drenched in sweat everything clung to your skin. Your body was getting hotter, almost feverish, when your eyes met his, looking at him longliy to take this pain away.

He quickly averted his eyes to Neteyam.

“Dad, you gotta hurry.” Neteyam expressed.

“Don’t do anything stupid! Lo’ak start a fire, I’ll search for the smoke from the canopy tops.”

Neteyam glared at his brother.

“Fine, I’ll go make the fire Neteyam, but you need to check on her, you can’t just leave her there.”

“Fine.”

“Brother she’s missing.” Said a slightly panicked Lo’ak.

“What do you mean missing? You lost her?”

She’s not there but we can track her.

“How?!”

We can smell her.

You navigate through the forest, seeking the nearby stream you had previously marked. Your sole purpose: finding something to alleviate the heat that threatens to induce hallucinations. The gentle murmur of running water grows louder as you draw nearer. Eventually, you reach the stream's end, where it widens into a shallow creek, ideal for a refreshing soak at knee height. Stripping off your garments, you brush bits of leaves from your scorched skin. Finally alone, you take the opportunity to relieve yourself before embarking on your return journey. Although you should have informed them, you realize you're only minutes away from where they are. Now unclothed, you step into the creek.

The frigid water now soothing your azure skin, you rest on the creek bed, leaning against its edge with your knees drawn close to your chest. A sigh of relief escapes your lips as the cold water brushes against your nipples, riling you up once more.

Without hesitation, you sprawl yourself to reach to touch your sweet spot. A moan escapes your lips, while you lean your head back onto the mossy green grass, you hair sticking to bits of your cheeks, and shoulders. You’re a flushed mess, with your hands now rubbing and thrusting yourself, while the other tugs and pull at your nipples, you moans grown louder as you’re desperate to make yourself cum. Your movements quicken as you aggressively thrust into yourself, bucking your hips above water when your eyes suddenly shoot open at the snap of a twig.

You stop as you realize you’re being watched. The brothers had found you, their green eyes glowing among the foliage of the forest. It didn’t them long to find you, your scent was overpowering and pungent, but your vulnerable state was so captivating they couldn’t look away.

Upon realization, your mind wanted to hide away in embarrassment but your body refused to stop. You continued to pleasure yourself, now one hand on your clit and the other in your sopping hole. They gawked as you laid there in the creek sprawled, Lo’ak looked down to see himself growing under his loincloth, he growled under his breath, jaw clenched. He wanted to have you so badly.

“I need to help her.” He said huskily.

"No, we found her. Go light the fire," Neteyam commanded his brother, who stubbornly refused to move. "Now!" he insisted.

Lo'ak huffed in annoyance before finally turning away.You continued to moan in pleasure as you feel yourself coming. Throwing you head back exposing your neck. Neteyam couldn’t help but trail your body with his eyes.

A fleeting sense of calm washed over you, but you could sense it wouldn't last long. The respite just didn't feel the same when it was Lo'ak who brought you to climax. As you glanced up, you noticed Neteyam standing among the shrubs, closer to the creek, silently observing you, attentively listening to every sound. “Nete, please, I need you.”

He scoffed. "You want to try the other brother now? Lo'ak wasn't good enough?" Taken aback by his cold response, you stood up angrily, water dripping from your naked body.

“Is that what you think of me now?” you huffed, “fine act righteous then, like you weren’t thinking of fucking me moments ago.”

Within moments, Neteyam growled, storming towards you as you rose from the shallow creek, challenging him with your defiance, in your naked glory.

Neteyam snatched you by your neck, hissing exposing his fangs. You smirked. You knew his reaction was not out of disappointment but more of jealously. You looked down to see his boner, causing your smirk to grow.

“Looks like you still wanna fuck me,” He releases you from his hold when he realizes you can readhim.

That's when your scent intensifies once more. His eyes grow darker, and hooded, now scanning your care body, you observe him in his current state. He was always calm and collected, hardly showing emotion, but today, right now, you felt so proud to be the source of his riled up behaviour.

“Nete-”

Before you can finish his name he turns towards you crashing his lips onto yours. Taken aback slightly you stumble back into the water. His hands roam you touching every crevice and curve of your body, you instantly kiss him back. Feeling the heat returning once more. His lips leave yours to now abuse your neck, moving lower to your breasts and soon he is kneeling in front of kissing your navel and trailing his nose down to your bud.

You stop. Your eyes meet. You’ve never seen him so hungry before. Still kneeling in the shall creek while you stand before him he tosses your leg over his shoulder, grabbing your ass to stabilize you while your other leg remained sanding on the creek, he tugged at your folds with his tongue.

You gasp as the sudden touch, your body going numb as all the blood rushes to your clit. He starts off gentle but soon is aggressively sucking and lapping at your cunt. You moan, as you grab a fist full of his braids, pressing him further into you as he devours you.

The knot in your stomach grows and he now hums satisfactorily as if he could sense that you’re near. He suddenly stops, looking up to you, and your eyes meet. You gasp as he now plunges his thick fingers into you, curling upwards to send you over your edge. Within seconds your juices are spraying as you scream his name, al while he just watches you. Loving the control he has over your vulnerable state.

“Don’t worry y/n, I’m not done with you.”

In one swift motion Neteyam pulls you on top of him. Straddling him, you can feel his thick member pressing against your bare cunt shielded by his loincloth. You’re bodies slightly submerged by the shallow creek, he states as you intensely before he bucks his hips up. You wince as the friction slowly starts to rile you up, your clit, begging for more.

Another buck, you breath hitches, your mouth forming a small O as you begin to redden from embarrassment. Aware of this, he leans back, bracing his back to the edge of the creek moving his arms to cradle the back of his while he takes you in. His breathing is definitely faster, and his eyes are darker but he is determined to show you he is in control regardless of how enticing you smell.

His self control is rather humbling as you catch on of his game of cat and mouse. Yes, you both are biologically compelled towards each other but he is determined to make you beg. He moves harshly again, and then shift once more, each movement making your core grow hotter.

He huffs at your state “looks like you want me to fuck you y/n” he smirks.

You snapped. You needed to get off again and you need to get off now. You hover over him sightly ripping his lion cloth off. A flash of shock surfaces on his face. His bulging member springs up as you take it and grasping it firmly at the base. Your sudden roughness makes him groan at your touch. As you pump his member you lean in for a kiss to which Neteyam does nothing. Keeping his movements still he watches you as you lean towards him. Your lips slightly pressed against his and he is overtaken b the tension. Like an animal snapping back into a trance, Neteyam passionately presses his lips onto yours. You moan into the kiss as you pump his cock. He grabs you firmly by the waist causing you to grip onto his shoulders for stability. Breaking the kiss he lifts you over his throbbing veiny cock before he mercilessly plunges his full length into you. It sends shockwaves through your body as he stretches you. He hoists you up once more to only slam you back down onto him. Your eyes roll back as he repeats the motion you legs soon begin to tremble.

“How does it make you feel y/n?” he whispers huskily now, pressed up against you his fangs grazing on your collar bone. You moans growing louder.

“Goood.” You hum.

“Do I fuck you better?”

You say nothing, you continue to hum, you can hear the squelches that come from bot of you. He does feel bigger than his brother, much more girthier, he also seems a bit more experienced, which was rather shocking, giving that Lo’ak was known for his philandering ways.

He stops suddenly. And now you’re mindlessly bouncing trying to fuck yourself, but he grips onto your hips firmly. Stopping you from moving. You refuse to stop movement as you circle your hips, whining on his member. He gasps, you can tell he is also near.

“Neteyam pleasssee.” You beg.

“Not until you answer me.” His hand now griping onto your face, causing you both to lock eyes.

Desperate for more you breathed out a heavy yes.

“I didn’t hear that y/n”

“YEEESSSS! You fuck me bettteeerr!” you screamed grinding into him.

“He loosens his grip, now digging his hands into the sandy creek, he fucks you form under, pounding into you mercilessly. You throw you head back, making your back arch, and your perky breast bounce. Within seconds your cumming, and soon after he follows, your juices mixing together as he groans in pleasure .

“AHEM, so much for not doing anything stupid.” Lo’ak remarked.

You look up to see the other Na’vi standing among the foliage. “Dad is on his way.” His jaw clenched but voice remained indifferent. You both spring off of each other attempting to clothed yourselves. An all too familiar feeling for you. You sighed wondering what you’ve gotten yourself into.

Soooo I took a while to get this done annndd iduno I backtracked on the two boys but I’ll definitely do a part 3 with both of them. Sorry if I disappointed anyone. 🙈❤️💃🏽

@shadowmoonlight0604 @mashiromochi @luvteyams @erenjaegerwife

[houseofborgia]

The tragic disconnection between Lucrezia Borgia and Juan Borgia::

What I find sad and compelling about Juan and Lucrezia's relationship is that every time he genuinely makes a gesture to make her happy, it inevitably ends up being misguided, resulting in her getting hurt in some way. Like the debauched play he had prepared for her as a surprise at her wedding to make her smile, not realizing that it would anger her husband and cause him to hate her and her family even more. The Paolo situation is where their dynamic changed forever. Juan, as someone who was assigned as the protector of the family by his father and is already feeling inadequate and incompetent in his position, already saw Paolo as a threat. A guy who could expose his sister, calling himself the father of her child, making demands to see her? Had Juan known what Sforza did to her, the hell she was living, and how she found solace in Paolo, most probably, he would've let Paolo live. He legitimately believed getting rid of him (and he was motivated by jealousy as he has incestuous feelings for Lucrezia)—was the right thing to do—and expected applause for his misguided notions of protecting his family's honor. He didn't realize how much he hurt Lucrezia and tried to make her understand that he did it to protect her honor and didn't mean to hurt her. When he realized that she tried to avenge Paolo and kill him, he made a speech about how their family triumphed because they weren't dysfunctional when they came to Rome, that they should always stick together, and that he's motivated by wanting safety for all of them. After he came back from Spain a changed man, he gifted his sister something that positively represented her—a stunning rare panther in a gilded cage—a genuine gesture to reconcile with her and earn her respect. However, it bites her, and they're unable to make peace. And after Cesare betrayed him at Forli, he spiraled once again, and he realized that no matter what he did, he would never earn his siblings' respect, specifically Lucrezia's. This realization hurt him and made him act on his impulsive as by lashing out at her and dangling her baby from the balcony, which also gave Cesare the motivation to do what he always wanted and justify his jealousy by murdering him.

"I had an amazing personal journey to go on with that character and hopefully I presented it with a sense and reality and hopefully you will feel a bit sorry for the guy. I don’t think he’s useless. Everyone says he’s a useless coward. He’s just placed in some shit situations. He’s not afraid of dying in that sense, he’s afraid of not being liked or loved and being left by his family. Whether they know it or not, they have been ganging up on him from the very beginning of the first season. What’s the problem with him? I think he’s lovely. I think he’s really kind and compassionate and cuddly." — DAVID OAKES

[circeyoru]

I can have Yandere Alastor dying for Adam and saving the reader... And because he said he went to heaven and became an angel... ( that would be funny Alastor angel )... What would happen?

Go to MASTERLIST for the works. This ask is for {Unwanted Souls}.

Pretty sure Alastor would just die and not go to heaven cause it's more like Sir Pentious' scene. Alastor would have regretted that he'll be leaving you, and while self-sacrifice can put him in Heaven as a redeeming element, it's not enough.

BUT! Let's say he got into Heaven. What happens then?

Let's start with your side. Previously, there's a recently posted ask about Reader being powerful, as noted by Lucifer. Seeing Alastor's death and final protection to you, you'd definitely unleash hell on Adam and fatally injure him before you enter your slumber mode (then Charlie and Lucifer take over the battle).

You are still brought to the hotel and nursed back to health, but it's Lucifer that does it and your process is speed up because he knows what to do and there's no Alastor to slow it down. When you wake up, the hotel members all question you. You just replay what happened before you slept. Right, Alastor's dead. You're very very tempted to follow suit, but Lucifer stopped you. What you did in the end was went back home to try and forget about it all. But your home was filled with reminders of Alastor and your moments with him.

Unable to bear with it, you asked if Lucifer could arrange somewhere else for you. He did and you moved, not without casting charms to keep the place off limits to other demons from the within. Then started your journey to drowning out your sorrow without Alastor's presence. This was what you meant when you shouldn't have fallen for him. The back of your mind laughed at you.

With Alastor. He met with his mother. Can you believe it? He talked things out with her, and caught up with her and his life. When it came to the topic of love came up, Alastor was knocked with a painful headache.

There's a theory (that I think can be applied here) that the souls in Heaven forget their lives before entering into Heaven. The moment Alastor was redeemed and appeared in Heaven, he forgot everything, he forgot you.

The headache was a distortion or disruption done by your powers. You held his soul, secretly, you have given him Perfect Memory when it came to your memories with him after accepting your feelings towards him. Now he's conflicted because Heaven's power is battling against yours.

Alastor's wings brought him the closest he could to Hell, a portal that was only accessed to specific individuals. The closer to Hell he was, the more he remembered and vividly felt that possessiveness and obsessiveness he had towards you. It was all coming back to him.

Let's say when he remembers you, he's grateful and prideful that you secretly protected him against Heaven's lies and attempted to take him from you or you from him. This level of care and attention shows you want him in your life! He has to return to you now!

"If that love of yours means everything to you, you should go." His mother advised, she only wanted his happiness, it didn't matter if he was there with her or if she wasn't the cause of his happiness. She truly is an angel, isn't she?

With his new memories, Alastor signed up as an exterminator, raising in ranks, he became one of the leaders that could go down to Hell. He could feel it, the long-awaited reunion between him and you.

Will you like his new look? Or prefer his old one? He'll fall and return to you. He will. He definitely will. Nothing will separate you two.

Nothing!

[bingwriterxo]

backseat

pairing: vada cavell x reader

summary: in which you accidentally make vada jealous

warnings: smut (character is 18+), 18+ (minors DNI), fingering, strap-on sex

word count: 2200+

author's note: killed multiple birds with one stone on this one. also, never wrote strap-on smut before, so hope this is ok...

"You've got this, Y/N," Mia whispered, her face hovering close to yours, voice barely loud enough to hear over the music blaring through her home. "Just...focus."

"I'm trying," you said, your arm raised, a ping pong ball gripped between your forefinger and thumb. "But someone is breathing over my shoulder."

"Oh." She took a step back. "Is that better?"

"Much." You closed one eye, aimed at the last red solo cup on the opposite end of the table, and took your shot. The ball soared through the air, and you swore that time stopped for a moment. Both you and Mia froze as the ball circled the rim of the cup once, twice, before finally dropping in and declaring you guys the winners.

Mia threw her arms around your shoulders in a tight hug. "Let's go!" she squealed,

You flipped off your opponents. "Suck it, bitches!"

"Oh, real classy!" Nick scoffed, taking a sip of his drink. He reached into the cup, pulled out the ball, and threw it at you. It lamely brushed against your side before falling to the ground, rolling off somewhere.

"I declare a rematch!" Vada yelled. "A rematch is being declared!"

Mia pulled away from you. "Nuh-uh! You guys lost fair and square." She pointed down to the cups that were still on the table--the almost full triangle that Nick and Vada had been unable to get rid of. "It's not our fault you guys suck!"

"Yeah! Losers!" you shouted, joining in on the teasing. "Maybe you guys should actually try to be good at the game. That might help."

Vada frowned, her eyebrows furrowing a little, and you wanted to kiss away the wrinkle that formed between them. "You guys are sore winners."

You grinned, crossing the length of the table to take her in your arms. "Aw, don't be so upset, baby," you cooed, pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose. "S'not our faults you're bad at pong."

She groaned. "I think you cheated. There's literally no other explanation, because Nick and I are beasts at pong. We are the unbeatable pair. We never lose, so you must have cheated. Maybe you rigged the ball, or maybe--"

"Or maybe I'm just good at this game?" you interrupted, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no. That can't be it."

You giggled, pulling back from your girlfriend. She didn't let you get far, her own arms snaking around your waist and tugging you back toward her.

"Thought you wanted a rematch?"

Vada shrugged. "That can wait," she said shortly, her eyes flitting down to your lips. She leaned up and kissed you, deep enough that you could taste the vodka on her breath. You hummed against her, a thought sparking in your alcohol-hazed mind.

"I need another drink," you murmured when she pulled away. When she frowned, you asked, "Do you want to come with me?"

"The kitchen is so far, though," she whined, stomping her feet a little like a child, and you chuckled, glancing behind you; the two of you were, maybe, ten steps away from where all of the liquor was.

"Ever the drama queen, Vads," you said. You untangled yourself from her, taking one of her hands loosely in your fingers. "But I need a drink."

She grumbled in defeat but nodded her head. "I'll wait here 'til you return from your journey."

You shook her head, a soft smile on your lips. "I'll be two minutes." You kissed her again and ventured off to the kitchen, your eyes trained on the tequila that Mia had generously bought for the party.

You grabbed a new cup, poured a healthy amount of tequila into it, and topped it off with the nearest mixer you could find--fruit punch. It was a strange combination, but you decided that it wasn't entirely unwelcome when you tasted the drink.

Spinning on your heel, your mind was fully set on finding Vada again and maybe pulling her into the living room, where all of the furniture had been pushed against the walls to create a dance floor. However, you barely got a step in before you immediately collided with another person, your drink spilling down your front.

"Oh, shit!" the person cursed. "Sorry, dude."

You glanced up, catching sight of Kayden, the self-anointed stoner of your grade and...your ex-boyfriend. He was grinning down at you, pearly-whites on display, and you smiled back, glad for once that you two had ended on good terms, or else the interaction would've been more than awkward.

"S'all good, Kayd," you said, bringing up a hand and swatting at any of the extra liquid that hadn't seeped into your shirt yet. Luckily, you had chosen to wear black, so you could barely see the spill. Unluckily, the top didn't cover much, which meant most of your drink landed on bare skin. "Although I am a little sticky now."

"C'mon." He grabbed your wrist. "Lemme help with that." He tugged you toward the sink, and you followed with a shrug, ignoring the neon-red, flashing sign in your head that screamed Don't!

You squeezed past people until you made it to the sink. Kayden already had it turned on, and there was a paper towel in his hand that he ran beneath the water until it was soaked. He whirled around, immediately pressing the paper towel to your stomach. You squealed at the coldness of it, a shiver running down your spine.

"Fuck," you whined. "You couldn't have used warm water?"

He chuckled. "Sorry, man," he drawled. "Too late for that."

You rolled your eyes. "Yeah, no shit. Gimme that." You took the paper towel from his hand to wipe yourself off, but the damage was already done.

"Y/N." Her voice was loud, her tone short. You whipped around, your eyes wide as they landed on a pissed-looking Vada. She stood a few feet away, her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pulled into a deep frown. "What the fuck?" she seethed.

You ignored the voice in your head that was telling you she looked hot, hot, hot all mad like that, and the stirring in your lower belly, and focused on trying to save yourself. "Vads, baby, it's not--"

She lunged forward and grabbed your forearm, the paper towel slipping from your grasp and landing on the floor. Without a second word, she was yanking you through the party. You passed by your friends--Mia with a smirk on her face and Nick with his eyebrows furrowed--and offered them a shrug, just as confused as Nick seemed.

Your confusion only grew as you were tugged out the front door, down the porch steps, through the maze of cars in the driveway, and out the gate.

"Vada, where--"

Things started to click when your own car loomed in the distance. The two of you were approaching the vehicle quickly, and you fumbled around in your pocket for your keys. When you found them, you pushed the button to unlock the doors, perfectly timing it as Vada pulled on the handle and all but threw you into the backseat. It never failed to surprise you whenever she showed how strong she really was.

She climbed in after you, slammed the door shut, and then her lips were on yours, feverish and hot and mad. You moaned against her, trying to push yourself to sit up, but she didn't let you, one hand pressing down on your hip while the other was holding herself up.

She pulled away for the smallest second, and in the light of the streetlamp, you could see that her eyes were half-lidded, dark, and angry. Her head dipped down to your jaw, planting open-mouthed kisses along your skin, before dropping to your neck, teeth nipping and tongue soothing the bites.

"Vads," you breathed out, your hips bucking up.

"You're mine," she gritted into your neck, her leg coming up and pressing against your center.

You groaned, rolling your hips into her thigh and whining at the little contact you got. "Vads, baby, please."

Her hand flew down, fumbling with the button of your pants, and you giggled a little at her ineptness. She glared at you, all signs of possessiveness diminished. "A little help here?"

"Sure, sweetheart." You reached down, knocking her hand to the side, and undid your own pants. Almost as soon as you were done, Vada's hand was pushing yours out of the way so that she could pull your pants down your thighs and slip beneath your underwear, and you whimpered at the feeling of her brushing through your folds.

"Fuck, you're wet," she groaned, two fingers slipping into you easily as her thumb ran over your clit in tight circles.

You sighed at the feeling, hips careening upward as she curled her fingers. "Always for you, baby."

She nipped at your neck again and then pulled her head up, staring down at you. That dark look was back, the kind that made your knees buckle and had you knowing that Vada would have you seeing stars.

"For me? Yeah? Or for Kayden." There was venom in her voice when she said his name, and she thrusted into you harder, a moan slipping past your lips at the pressure.

"You, Vads." You gasped as her fingers curled into the rough spot in you. "Just--just you."

Her pace quickened, her fingers dragging against your walls and her thumb never ceasing on your clit. Your orgasm was fast approaching, urged on by Vada kissing your chest, your neck, your lips--anything she could reach.

"Fuck," you whimpered. "I'm gonna cum." At your words, Vada swiftly pulled out, and you were left a whining mess beneath her. "Vada!" you cried. "I was so close!"

She didn't spare you a second glance as her hand rushed down to her basketball shorts, pushing them down her legs. You furrowed your eyebrows.

"Yeah, I don't think we have room for scissori--" You were cut short by the feel of silicone pressing against your thigh, and you gulped. "You wore--"

"Was hoping the night would end like this," Vada confessed. "Well, not exactly like this. I didn't wanna see your ex trying to clean you off, or whatever the fuck that was, and I was kinda hoping we would be in a bed and not the backseat of your car, but--"

You rolled your eyes, reaching down and tugging on the fake cock between her legs. She gasped and her hips pushed forward, knocking the head of the toy against your folds. "You gonna ramble or are you gonna fuck me?" you teased, grinning at the furrow of her brows.

"Fuck you," she spat, and you were about to repeat the words right back to her when she sank in, pushing the air straight from your lungs and pulling a high-pitched moan from your lips. "Not so bratty now, huh?"

She drove her hips forward, forcing you to take the entire length. You squealed, pleasure rushing through every vein. Your hands shot up and wrapped around her back, nails digging into her t-shirt. She didn't give you a moment to adjust as she pulled out before pushing right back in, setting a brutal pace.

"Jesus, fuck," you groaned, throwing your head back. "It--You feel so good."

She leaned down, her full body weight on you as she fucked into you, lips pressed against your ear. "Can Kayden fuck you like this?" she grunted, her hips speeding up as she said his name.

You could barely hear her over the feeling of her cock in you, drowning out all of your thoughts as she thrusted harder, faster. Vada pulled back, sat up on her knees, and pushed your thighs up, making her go deeper. You gasped, whined, reached to bring her back to you, but she stayed up, pounding harder.

"I said, can Kayden fuck you like this?" she repeated between groans.

"No," you breathed out. "Just you, Vads."

She smirked, cocky, victorious. "God, you're such a good girl." The praise nearly had you falling off the edge, orgasm just out of reach. "My good girl. Takin' my cock so good."

"Fuck, baby. Gonna cum. So close," you babbled.

Her hips started to stutter, letting you know that she was right there with you. She reached down, thumb circling your clit, and you came with a low groan, the sound scratching itself out of your throat.

Vada kept pumping with half-assed thrusts, and you clenched around her, sensitive. "I'm right there," she grunted. She dropped your legs and all but fell onto you. "Fuck, fuck, gonna--"

She moaned into your ear as her orgasm hit, her hips finally slowing. You shuddered beneath her, walls fluttering around the cock still buried in you.

"Jesus, baby," you panted. "Guess I gotta talk to Kayden more often at parties."

She pushed herself up, glaring at you. "Don't even." She slipped out of you, and you shivered, watching as she pulled her shorts up. "Gonna have to wash these shorts when we get home."

You nodded, pulling her back on top of you even though you were hot and sweaty and still a little sticky from your drink. "Gonna have to wash myself when we get home."

Vada grinned against your neck. "I can help you with that."

bonus: "where do you think they're going?" nick asked as he watched vada drag you out the front door.

"i don't think we want to know," mia said.

"should we go after them?"

"definitely not."

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Somewhere to Belong | 3/3 | S.R

Part three of my Family Challenge fic.

Part 1 | Part 2

A/N - I am almost positive this is not how the adoption system works but hey, it’s fanfiction, I make my own rules.

Summary - You reveal your master plan to Spencer and the two of you begin on your journey together. Will you be able to help Spencer bring Wren home where she belongs? And when the time comes, will you have what it takes to walk away?

Pairing - Spencer Reid x BAU Fem! Reader

Warnings - confessed feelings, tears, mostly just domestic fluff, making out, allusions to sex but still SFW, crying child, swearing, happy ending.

WC - 9.4k

Part 3

The wheels of your plan had been slow turning, painfully so. You’d started to think you may never reach the end of this goddamn road. 

But finally after months, all the pieces had fallen into place. 

When you received the phone call you were already halfway out of the door before the person on the other end had even finished their sentence. It was the phone call you’d been waiting for, holding your breath every time the device rang. 

And now it had happened, it was time to go and see him. 

You drove out into the suburbs, a manilla folder full of paperwork in the passenger's seat. You parked next to the curb by the house with the canary yellow fence and green front door. 

Before you could exit the car you saw the door open and Spencer let someone out the house. The women had a briefcase and wore a smart pants suit. Definitely a social worker. 

You watched the woman head to her own car and once she was inside the vehicle and starting the engine you stepped out onto the street, bringing your folder with you.

As you headed for the yellow gate your phone buzzed in your pocket. Slowing your strides you retrieved it and read the text message on the screen. 

📱 Spencer Reid: I think it’s over. There’s another couple who have shown interest in adopting Wren and I don’t think I can compete with that. I’m ok, I’m not craving or anything. I just wanted you to know. 

You stuffed the device back in your pocket and looked up at the house, a single light coming from the downstairs window. 

Since you’d accompanied him to Beltway, the two of you had been in touch more regularly. Spencer texted you nearly every day and you spoke on the phone fairly often. 

You’d seen him a handful of times for coffee but you’d never been out to his home in Woodbridge. It was a really nice house, a family home just like the team had described to you. It was a complete one eighty from his old DC apartment. 

You unhooked the gate and slid past it, hugging the folder to your chest as you made your way along the front path and up the steps. 

Before you could talk yourself out of this, you knocked on the green front door. 

Soon you heard it being unlocked and then it tentatively opened. Spencer’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion when he saw you. 

“Y/N hi,” he opened the door slightly wider. “I just texted you.”

“I know, I was…in the neighbourhood?” You shrugged. “Can I come in?” 

“Yeah, of course.” He nodded, stepping aside to allow you entrance to his home. 

You walked inside while he shut the door behind you and you glanced around the living room. 

You recognised his leather couch and armchair from his old apartment as well as his record player and chess set. The coffee table was the same but other than that this was not the home you pictured Spencer Reid living in. 

He waited for you to take it in and only spoke again once you looked back at him. 

“Can I get you a drink or anything?”

“No, I’m good.” You nodded, feeling oddly nervous. 

He motioned for the couch and the two of you crossed the room together and sat side by side. You laid the manilla folder in your lap and ran your fingers over it. 

“Whatcha you got there?” He asked, nodding at the file. 

“Uh, well you see…” you trailed off, unable to find the words to communicate what you wanted to say. “How about you have a look.” 

You handed him the file. For a moment he just stared at it with a frown before he cautiously took it from your hand. 

He opened it and started one by one going through the pieces of paper inside. 

The first was an application with a large red stamp proclaiming APPROVED in the bottom right corner. There were several sheaths that documented personal information about you, health checks, financial records, questions and answers relating to your childhood. 

There was a rental agreement renewal for the address in which you lived which had gone unsigned as though you were hesitant in continuing your lease. 

Multiple pages he’d seen before, floor plans of his own home, summaries of home visits at this address. 

One sheet was a letter signed off by BAU Unit Chief Emily Prentiss agreeing to a cut in field hours. Two more sighed letters followed, both dictating what an upstanding human being you were, one signed by SSA Luke Alvez and the other Doctor Tara Lewis. 

He read through them quickly as you knew he would but it still somehow felt like a lifetime before he was neatly tucking the pages away and closing the file. He looked up at you, eyebrows furrowed heavily. 

“I don’t…” he swallowed, his hands starting to shake. “I don’t understand.” 

“Yes, you do.” You nodded. “You’re a genius aren’t you?”

“I…is this a joke?” His eyes flooded with unshed tears as he rolled his bottom lip between his teeth.

“It would be a pretty cruel thing to joke about.” You shrugged.

Spencer rubbed his eyes, trying to push away his tears before they could fall. 

“Just to confirm,” he swallowed thickly, his eyebrows still knitted together in his confusion. “Because I don’t want to misunderstand what’s happening here…”

“Spencer,” you placed your hand on his knee and he noticed you were shaking too. “I would do anything for you. Anything. If this can help you bring that little girl home, then I’ll do it.” 

“You…you’ve gotten approval from the adoption agency.” He croaked. 

“Yes.”

“You’ve done the interviews, cut down your hours at the BAU, not renewed your lease and had Alvez and Lewis write you character references.” 

“Yes.” You nodded. “I still don’t think I’m ready for a family, Spencer. But I can sign on as Wren’s adoptive mother on paper, just so you can get her home. Once she’s home and the paperwork is finalised they can’t take her away from you. We can figure out all the rest once you’ve got her home, I can terminate my rights or whatever. But by then it won’t matter.” 

“W-why would you…” he trailed off again, swallowing. “Why would you do that for me? That’s…crazy. Why would you want to go through all this trouble just so I can have a better chance of adopting Wren?” 

You inhaled really deeply, your chest heaving as you did so. Spencer blinked rapidly in an attempt to clear the new batch of tears from his eyes. 

“I should have said it back.” You mumbled with a shake of your head. “Months ago, you told me you loved me and I should have said it back. But instead I walked away and let you believe I didn’t feel that way about you. But I do. Just because we aren’t together doesn’t make that any less true. And if I can help you bring Wren home I will. Because I love you.” 

The room fell silent while Spencer worked to comprehend everything that was happening. His head spun as though he was drunk, making it harder for him to understand all of this.

This couldn’t have been some idea you’d just come up with, weeks if not months of work had gone into this. You were willing, on paper at least, to be Wren’s adoptive mother when you weren’t ready to have kids. 

You’d told Emily, Luke and Tara at the minimum of your plans. You were willing to give up your apartment, cut back your hours at a job you adored to help him. Because you loved him. You loved him so much you were willing to put his happiness before your own. 

“It’s too much.” He shook his head. “I can’t ask you to do all of this.” 

“Good job you never once asked then.” You smiled at him. “It’s all temporary. Once Wren is home I can pick back up my regular case load, I spoke to my landlord about subletting my apartment for a few months so I can move back in once everything is settled.”

“You plan to live here?” He suddenly made the connection. 

“Well I’ve got to live somewhere. And you know, us living in the same house gives the impression of a happy couple who want to adopt a child, don’t you think? It won’t be forever.” 

“What am I supposed to say to my social worker? I forgot to tell her that I had a partner?” Of course he’d try and pick holes in this, it was what Spencer Reid did best. 

“We say we were together but I didn’t think I was ready for a family. But now I am. We tell them I met Wren and fell in love with her and now we want to adopt her together. It’s pretty much what I wrote in my application.” You’d considered every outcome, every bump in the road.

“But you haven’t met Wren.” He shook his head. 

“So I will.” You chuckled. “Spence, stop trying to put blockers in the way when there aren’t any. Let me do this for you, please? Let me help you bring your little girl home.” 

Spencer stared at you silently, blinking frantically as he tried to understand what was happening. He didn’t want to get his hopes up only to have them dashed again but you seemed sincere. 

He still didn’t understand how you would be willing to go to such lengths for him but he supposed it didn’t matter. What mattered was you were willing to and he could use all the help he could get. 

Suddenly he threw himself forward, arms flying up to wrap around you. He pulled you close, holding you tightly as he started to loudly sob.

“T-thank you.” He cried into your shoulder as you returned his hug.

“You’re welcome, Spence. You’re so very welcome.” 

You continued to hold him while he sobbed, stroking his back in an attempt to calm him. It was over a half hour later when he finally shed all of his tears, sniffed heavily and sat back to look at you. 

“You really are my most favourite person.” He smiled shakily at you. 

If you didn’t love him so much there was no way you would have even considered helping him adopt a child even if it was only on paper. 

But love makes us do crazy things. And this might just be the craziest.

***

Two days later you anxiously sat in the passenger's seat of Spencer’s Volvo while he drove the two of you to Wren’s halfway home. 

You played with your hands in your lap, barely speaking as you tried to comprehend meeting this little girl who had become Spencer’s whole world. 

You’d agreed to tell Wren you were Spencer’s friend it was the truth and much less complicated than explaining everything to her. You would test the waters with her first, see how she felt about it before broaching it with the social worker. 

Your legs wobbled a little as you got out of the car and Spencer was regarding you curiously. 

“Are you sure about this?” He asked softly, his fingers brushing across your knuckles. 

“Yeah.” You forced a smile. “She means so much to you, I’m just worried she won’t like me.” 

“She’s going to love you. Trust me.” 

The look he was giving you made your stomach coil into knots. Your knees buckled and your heart yearned for him. 

It was such a cruel world that you could be so in love with someone yet not be destined to each other. 

As you started towards the building he slipped his hand in yours and it was so easy to pretend this wasn’t all for show. 

He led you inside, saying his hellos to some of the people working in the halfway home, clearly he’d been here a lot. He carried on through to a larger room filled with kids of all ages, your heart bled for them all. 

As your eyes cast around the room, you were quickly snapped back around when you heard someone calling Spencer’s name. 

“Spencer! Spencer!” 

You looked back just in time to see a head of dark curls you remembered from when you’d seen her sleeping on Spencer’s lap at the BAU running right towards the two of you. 

He let go of your hand so he could outstretch his arms for the girl who happily fell into them. 

“Missed you.” She tucked herself in his arms. 

“I missed you too, pumpkin.” He sighed in content as he hugged her. 

You watched the way he seemed to light up the moment Wren was nearby, how all the weight he carried on his shoulders slipped away. As he cuddled the five year old, he seemed at peace. 

And you knew you were doing the right thing. 

Wren stepped back from his embrace and looked up at you, head tilted to the side in a curious fashion and little dark eyebrows furrowed. 

“Who are you?” She asked, pouting a little. 

“This is my friend, Y/N.” Spencer spoke for you. “Y/N, this is Wren.” 

“Why is she here?” Wren looked back at Spencer in concern. 

“I thought you’d like to meet her.” Spencer’s tone completely changed when he spoke to her, you’d never heard him like it before. 

It was soft and sweet, obviously it relaxed the young girl. Usually. But it was clear by the concerned expression in her face it wasn’t working today. 

“But I like spending time with you.” Her lip jutted out. 

“I’m still here aren’t I?” Spencer chuckled, tucking a rogue strand of her hair back off of her rosy face. 

“Hey Wren,” you crouched down so you were the same height as her, garnering her attention. “I heard you love Halloween?” 

She looked between Spencer who was still standing at his full height and back to you before looking back at him again. 

“It’s ok,” he encouraged her with a smile. 

She looked back at you once more, a hint of scepticism in her bright eyes. 

“Yes.” She nodded feverishly. 

“And you love books too, right?” 

“Yes.” She nodded again. 

“Well that’s perfect because I just so happen to have a book all about Halloween!” You grinned at her whilst reaching into your purse.

Spencer frowned a little, you hadn’t mentioned this on the drive over. He watched as you pulled a book out of your bag, a brightly coloured hardback depicting cartoon pictures of ghosts, witches and monsters getting ready for a spooky party. 

The title read The Night Before Halloween. 

Neither of you could tell what Wren was thinking, for a five year old she was amazing at masking her expression even though she probably didn’t realise she was doing it. 

She looked from the book to your eyes then to Spencer and around in the same loop a few times before settling on Spencer. 

“Do you want me to read it to you?” He asked her, trying to prompt her to speak. 

“No.” Wren shook her head and turned back to you.

You tried to hide your disappointment. This was your only play, your only way in with her and you’d blown it. 

But then the little girl smiled at you. 

“I want Y/N to read it to me.” She reached out her little hand for you and you pushed yourself back up to your full height and took it. 

She led you over to the couch with Spencer following close behind. You glanced at him over your shoulder and he was smiling at you as he mouthed the words, good job.

***

Two more visits with Wren and she had warmed up to you the same way he had with Spencer. By the third visit she even hugged you. 

And you saw exactly why Spencer loved her. 

By the time September rolled around you’d moved into Spencer’s suburban home - in the spare room - and had multiple visits with Jenny who struggled to grasp what was happening at first. 

Understandably she was sceptical about your sudden involvement but after more rigorous interviews she started to warm up the same way Wren had. 

As you weren’t travelling with the team so much anymore and mostly working cases out of Quantico, you and Spencer spent a lot of time together. 

He was always home before you, his classes at Marlborough never running past four pm. And as much as you hated to admit it, having someone to come home to everyday was delightful in its domesticity.

When you did travel with the team, usually around every one in four cases, Spencer would call you everyday and send you photographs of him and Wren when he visited her. 

Spencer was learning to cook for Wren so the poor girl didn’t have to live off of cereal, coffee and ice cream, or as you always referred to it: The Doctor Reid Diet. 

He tried out his new recipes on you and at least eighty percent of them were edible. 

You’d been allowed to take Wren out on more day trips, with Jenny in tow of course. The two of you took her to museums and book stores and ice cream parlours; to the park, once to a carnival and anywhere else her little imagination could think to go.

It was midway into October when you arrived back from a case in Florida in which you’d been gone for six days. You knew Spencer had waited up for you as he’d called you to tell you he would. 

When you let yourself in the green front door of the house that was feeling more like a home by the day, it wasn’t the messy haired genius who met you. 

What did meet you certainly had messy hair, but its dopey expression told you it was no genius. 

The creature trotted over to you, tongue hanging out of its slightly lopsided mouth and offered you a single bark whilst nuzzling against your shin. 

You stared at the scruffy dog using your leg as a scratching post with wide eyes. Somewhere in the house you heard footsteps and you glanced up to see Spencer appearing from the kitchen. 

“Hey, how was your day?” He smiled at you, completely ignoring the confusion on your face. 

“Uh, it was perfectly normal until I came home and was greeted by this.” You pointed down at the mutt who was staring expectantly at you. 

“He. Not this.” Spencer padded over and quickly scooped up the small, messy animal in his arms. “This is Rover.” 

Rover licked Spencer’s cheek and much to your confusion, the germaphobe didn’t even bat an eyelid. 

“Last I checked Rover was a stuffed animal. This creature seems to be very much alive.” 

“Wren decided she wanted a dog. I said we could go to the pound and look, just look. But, uh, she kinda fell in love with this little guy and I can’t say no to her.” He shrugged, scratching Rover behind his ear. 

“So you now have a dog.” You hung your bag up by the door.

“We have a dog.” 

“Oh no.” You shook your head, walking past him towards the kitchen. “I’m outta here once Wren’s home. The dog is your problem.” 

Spencer placed the creature, which you thought more resembled a gremlin than a dog, on the floor and followed you. 

“He’ll grow on you.” 

“He most certainly won’t. I’m a cat person. And last I checked you weren’t all that keen on dogs either.” 

“But Wren is. So I guess I’m a dog person now.” He leant against the counter in the kitchen while you grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. 

You turned back to look at him as you uncapped it. You had a curious smile on your lips.

“What? What’s that look for?” He frowned a little.

“It’s just funny,” you took a sip. “Six months ago I would never have imagined either of us to be here.” 

“Me either.” He agreed with a smile. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy before.” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.” He started towards you. “You’re a big part of that, you know? I know this is all for show and we’re just doing this until Wren is home, but, uh…I like having you here.” 

“It’s not all for show.” You placed the bottle on the counter behind you as you felt a little dizzy with the way Spencer was looking at you. 

“No?” He reached you, stopping a few feet in front of you. 

“I like being here too.” You confessed, your legs shaking a little due to the look he was currently giving you. 

“I’m glad.” He swallowed and your eyes were drawn to his Adam’s apple and the way it bobbed deliciously beneath his flesh. “I’m, uh, I’m on the verge of doing something very dumb.”

“How do you know it’s dumb until you do it?” You had a pretty good idea of what he was talking about. 

“Because I’m a genius and my brain is screaming how dumb it would be.” He chuckled, stepping even closer to you. 

“Maybe for once, don’t listen to your brain, Spence.” 

To encourage him, you reached for him, placing your hand on his shoulder. He swallowed again as he stepped nearer to you still. 

Cautiously he raised his own hands and placed them on the sides of your face, eyes darting back and forth between your eyes and your lips. 

“Don’t listen to my brain?” He whispered, wanting confirmation.

“Just this one time.” You offered him a smile and it was all he needed to close the space between you. 

When his lips gently brushed against your own, your hand quickly moved from his shoulder to the back of his neck to keep him close.

You parted your lips and he replied in kind by deepening the kiss. 

He pushed his body flush against you, pressing you into the counter. He held your face delicately but soon the kiss was growing frantic. 

It wasn’t at all long before he was manoeuvring you away from the counter and towards the kitchen door, never tearing his lips from yours. Not at least until his back collided with the door.

He broke the kiss and started to laugh, you did the same. He reached behind him and opened the door, taking your hand pulling you along with him.

The two of you were giggling like a couple of teenagers as you ascended the stairs, neither of you paying much mind to the dog asleep in his bed. 

He led you to his room and once inside he pushed you back against the wall and kissed you ardently again.  

He rolled his hips against yours so you could feel the bulge in his slacks and you moaned into his mouth. 

And then he was leading you to his bed as he helped you out of your clothes. 

It was only then as you lay beneath you realised how much you’d missed him. And you knew when or if the time came for Wren to come home and this little domestic bubble popped, it was going to be hard to drag yourself away. 

***

You fell asleep wrapped in Spencer’s arm after several hours and multiple orgasms. When you woke in the morning he was already awake, staring at you with a smile on his face. 

“Hey,” he stroked your messy hair behind your ear.

“Hey yourself.” You smiled back, inching closer and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

“Last night was…” he trailed off searching for the right word but finding none that did it justice. 

“Amazing?” You laughed lightly.

“That’s certainly one word for it.” He agreed, hand cupping your cheek. “So I don’t wanna be the kind of person that asks this but, uh…did that mean something? Was it just sex or did it mean something? Because I would…uh…I’d really like it to have meant something.” 

His nerves were tangled in his words and you could see in his eyes that he hated asking you this. You smiled and ran your fingertips lightly over his bicep. 

“Well I guess that…” you were stopped by the sound of Spencer’s phone ringing and he pulled a face of frustration. 

“Shoot,” he let go of your face. “To be continued?” 

You nodded and watched him roll over, grabbing his cell phone off the nightstand and putting it to his ear while sitting up on the edge of the mattress. 

“Doctor Reid,” he spoke and then was silent for a moment or two and his back straightened. “Seriously? You…I…seriously? Uh, yeah of course. Today? Gosh…yes. Ok. Ok. Thank you. Goodbye.” 

His hand holding the phone fell to his lap limply but other than that he didn’t move. You rolled closer to him with a frown, wrapping an arm around his waist when you were close enough.

He slowly turned his head to look at you and you couldn’t read his expression.

“Spence?” You croaked. “Is everything ok?” 

He exhaled through parted lips, his eyes widening a little before he slowly started to nod. 

“Y-yeah,” his voice cracked. “Yeah everything’s great. That was Jenny. Apparently we’ve been approved for placement under supervision for Wren. It might not be permanent and Jenny will visit every week. But they wouldn’t let us bring her home if there wasn’t a strong possibility of us being able to adopt her. She’s coming home, Y/N. Our little girl is coming home.”

His tears overflowed when he reached the end of his speech and the smile that adorned his lips was brighter than the sun and all the stars in the sky combined. 

You jumped up and threw yourself into his lap, wrapping your arms tightly around him. 

“Oh gosh Spence, that’s great!” You felt your own tears well in your eyes as he held you. 

And for some reason when he called her our little girl, it didn’t freak you out in the slightest, 

***

Wren was an excitable blur of hand gestures and bounces in her seat as Spencer drove the three of you home later that afternoon. 

She’d only ever seen photographs of the room Spencer had put together for her and she was buzzing to see it with her own eyes. 

It was only once he got close to home driving through the neighbourhood she had lived with her parents whom she watched die, that she clammed up.

You sat in the back of the car with her and watched the way her eyes turned down at the corners as she looked out the window at the familiar houses. 

You reached out to her, held her hand.

“It’s ok if you miss them, Wren.” You whispered and her head whipped around to face you.

She was gnawing on her bottom lip, perhaps trying to stop from pouting. 

“But I don’t want to make you and Spencer sad.” She spoke in equally hushed tones. 

“Hey now silly girl,” Spencer’s right hand appeared between the front seats, blindly reaching for her knee. “You could never make us sad. You have no idea how happy you make us, pumpkin.” 

“But you will miss your mommy and daddy and we want you to be able to tell us when you do, ok?” You added, squeezing her hand. 

“O-ok.” She nodded, turning back out of the window. 

Soon enough Spencer pulled the car to a stop outside of the house with the canary yellow fence and green front door. 

He exited the car and rushed around to open Wren’s door while you unbuckled her seatbelt. He lifted her in his arms, spun her around twice, and planted her on her feet on the sidewalk. 

She instantly reached for you both, gripping Spencer’s hand in her left and yours in her right. 

You and Spencer shared a smile over her head as you led her up to the front door. 

The second the door was open a messy haired small mutt ran at full pelt towards the three of you, practically crashing straight into Wren. 

She giggled and threw her arms around the dog. 

“Rover!” She screeched, burying her face into his matted fur. 

Spencer took her bag from her and unzipped it, pulling out the toy Rover and holding him out towards the girl and her dog. 

“Rover meet Rover.” He spoke and Wren beamed brightly as she took the toy from him. 

She held it in front of the real dog's face and he licked the toy feverishly, making Wren giggle again. 

“I think they’re going to be friends!” She cheered happily. 

“That’s a relief.” Spencer chuckled, hand naturally slipping in yours. 

“Would the Rover’s like to see your new room, honey?” You asked Wren, entwining your fingers with Spencer’s.

“I think so!” She jumped up and down. “Come on big Rover, come on little Rover.”

You and Spencer shared another smile as you led the way, hand in hand, up the stairs and towards the room at the end of the hall. 

One of the Rover’s was held by Wren around his neck while the other followed of his own accord. You both stepped aside and motioned for Wren to open the door. 

She looked positively giddy with excitement as she reached for the handle. She pushed open the door and Spencer reached inside to flick the lights on. 

Her eyes widened as a dozen strings of pumpkin fairy lights cast their glow across the warm autumnal walls, thick cream carpet and everything in between. 

She took a few steps inside the room and the two of you watched her eyes flicker between the My Little Pony bed sheets, her name placard above the bed, the bookshelf stuffed full of books, another shelf packed with stuffed animals. 

They moved between the dog bed meant for little Rover which big Rover was now already making his way to, to the dresser under the window with a little mirror and her very own chess set. 

They made their way to the wardrobe which Spencer had stencilled with falling leaves and little brown birds of her namesake. 

Her eyes danced from here to there, there to here and back again. When they finally came to a stop on you and Spencer, they were full of tears. 

“This is…for me?” Her bottom lip pouted. 

“I don’t know any other little girls called Wren.” Spencer smiled at her. 

She suddenly dove at the two of you, one arm wrapping around each of you and nuzzling between you. You felt her small frame racking with sobs and it made your heart melt. 

“T-thank you.” She cried, squeezing you both as tightly as she could. “I love you.” 

You looked at Spencer, you both had tears welling in your own eyes. 

And god dammit if you didn’t love her too. 

***

The three of you ate ice cream for dinner on the floor of her bedroom at Wren’s insistence. 

You and Spencer played with her and her new collection of stuffed toys, as well as the real life Rover before you took turns reading to her until she finally fell asleep. 

Rover was already curled up in the dog bed at the foot of Wren’s bed so you left him there and the two of you quietly crept from the room. 

With the day's events you hadn’t had a chance to talk about what happened last night and now you were in the corridor, you weren’t sure what room to go to. 

Clearly Spencer didn’t either. 

He awkwardly scuffed the toe of his candy corn print sock on the carpet whilst rolling his lip between his teeth. 

“Should we, uh…talk?” He shrugged. 

“Most likely, yes.” You nodded and silently he led the two of you back downstairs to the living room. 

You were both quiet, not meeting the others' gaze as you sat in the armchair and him on the couch. The air was thick with tension, and you didn’t even know where to begin with this conversation.

“I know you don’t want to be Wren’s mom.” He suddenly blurted out. “And I’d never ask you to. But I love you and last night was…it was perfect. I don’t want to choose between having you and Wren in my life. I know it wouldn’t be easy because if everything goes to plan I will have a child at the end of it. You think there’s any chance you’d want to date a single dad?” 

He was talking so fast all of his words merged into one and it took you a few moments to ascertain what he was saying. But before you could really catch up, he was talking again.

“We get Wren home permanently, you can give up your rights just like you planned. You move out and you go back to your normal case load but maybe…maybe we can work things out? I know it won’t be easy but I don’t care. 

You clearly mean a lot to Wren and I know she would love it if you were still a part of her life after all this, even if it’s not as her adoptive mother. And I hope that you can still be part of my life. As my partner, my one true love. 

Wren will be my reasonability, I won’t expect anything from you in regards to her. But I don’t want to be without you, even if it means our life is separate from my life with Wren. I don’t think it’s entirely beyond the realms of possibility to think we could make it work. I just think-”

“Spencer,” you had to cut him off or he would spend the next hour rambling. “I don’t think it’s entirely beyond the realms of possibility either.” 

“You…you don’t?” He inhaled sharply.

“It’s not going to be easy,” you pushed yourself up and moved slowly closer to him. When you reached him you lowered yourself so you were sitting in his lap. “It’s going to be hard in fact, really hard. But dating a single dad doesn’t sound like the worst idea in the world. Especially when that single dad is you.” 

His hands glided across your back, settling on your shoulder blades and holding you firmly in place, 

“We’ll make it work.” He smiled at you, inching closer.

“We’ll make it work.” You repeated just as his lips pressed against yours. 

***

The day after Wren was placed with you and Spencer, he and the little girl started excitedly decorating the house for Halloween which was two weeks away. 

The house was a menagerie of fake cobwebs which you kept walking into, strings of little ghosts hanging in every doorway. A newly carved pumpkin appeared on the porch every single day you returned home from work. 

By the time Halloween rolled around the three of you had fallen into somewhat of a routine. 

You had tried to distance yourself from parental activities, as soon as the paperwork was finalised you would be moving out and you didn’t want Wren to get too used to you being around. 

The last thing you wanted to do was confuse a child who had already lost her biological parents. 

Spencer dropped her at school on the way to Marlborough everyday and picked her up on his way home. 

He cooked dinner which the two of them ate together and he saved leftovers for when you arrived home. 

Nine times out of ten Wren was already in bed by the time you got home from Quantico which helped. It also gave you alone time with Spencer. 

Usually you wouldn’t even be in the door more than ten minutes before he was leading you to the bedroom. You’d been sleeping in his room since Wren had come home, although there was usually little sleeping happening. 

You’d both quickly learnt how to be quiet, not wanting to further traumatise the girl by having her hear the two of you having sex. 

The routine seemed to work for the three of you, it allowed Spencer and Wren to grow closer whilst allowing you and Spencer to grow closer. 

On Halloween night you got out of work slightly earlier but still expected Spencer and Wren to be out trick or treating. 

He’d promised the little girl months ago to take her and she’d been so excited for tonight, talking about it non stop since she’d come home with you. 

He wanted to make her a costume and you tried to teach Spencer how to sew but when that didn’t work you showed him how YouTube worked so he could learn that way. 

He’d slaved over creating her a pumpkin costume which was a little lopsided and probably could have been neater but he was so proud of his creation. 

Wren had insisted he dress up too so you arrived home to find Dracula in your living room. 

“What happened to trick or treating?” You asked as you stepped in the door and hung your jacket up.

“Oh hey,” he smiled brightly as soon as he saw you, moving closer to you. He went to kiss you but then remembered the fake blood on his mouth and refrained. “We’re about to leave, Wren is just getting dressed.” 

“Did she love her costume?” 

“You have no idea. I’ve never heard a five year old scream before and I’m not sure it’s something I want to relive in a hurry.” He chuckled, straightening up his cape. “Now you’re home you can join us.”

“I don’t think so.” You shook your head. 

“Oh come on, she’d love it if you came.” Spencer gave you his puppy dog eyes which you tried to ignore. 

“You’re the parent.” You reminded him. “And besides, someone should stay home with Rover.”

“Rover is ten years old and sleeps all day.” Spencer rolled his eyes. “He’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know. I just-” 

You were cut off by the sound of Wren running down the stairs. When she appeared in her pumpkin costume, complete with orange painted face, she was smiling from ear to ear.

“Y/N!” She jumped up and down excitedly. “I’m a pumpkin!” 

“Oh wow, you look great!” You cheered. 

She beamed, happily showing off her costume like a proud parent. 

“Are you coming trick or treating with us?” She asked with expectant green eyes. 

“I don’t think so, sweetheart.” 

“Please! You have to come!” She jiggled, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. 

“Yeah Y/N,” Spencer smirked at you. “You have to.” 

“I don’t have a costume.” You shrugged. 

“Leave that to me.” Spencer stepped closer to you and took hold of your hand. “Wren give us five minutes and we’ll head out, ok?” 

“Ok!” She nodded, moving aside so Spencer could lead you upstairs. 

You let him lead you to the bedroom, which he’d done countless times before but you knew this wasn’t for the reasons you would like. 

“I took the liberty of picking something up for you at the costume store when I was getting mine.” He let go of your hand so he could open the closet. 

“Of course you did.” You sighed. 

He pulled out an outfit in a costume bag and turned it to face you. Inside was sheathed all the makings of a witches costume. 

A long, flowy purple crushed velvet dress with long, billowy sleeves. A black wig. A pointy hat. 

You rolled your eyes as you took it from him, trying to ignore the stupid look on his face. 

“Fine, I will wear it. But you are not painting my face.” 

“Deal.” He grinned, in a smug way knowing he’d won.

***

Ten minutes later the three of you were out the door. Dracula, the witch and the pumpkin. 

Wren was full of excitement as she skipped on just ahead of you, swinging her little bucket she hoped to fill with candy. 

“She’s your problem when she won’t sleep tonight because she’s hopped up on sugar.” You spoke as Spencer slipped his hand in yours. 

“Fair enough.” He chuckled, eyes never leaving the back of the curly haired pumpkin. “Thank you for coming.”

“Did I have a choice?” You joked. 

Spencer briefly glanced at the side of your face before focusing back on Wren who was now making her way up a front porch of one of your neighbours houses. The two of you hung back by the gate. 

“You don’t like spending time with her.” He looked back at you while Wren was busy getting her candy. 

“That’s not true. I love spending time with her, she’s an amazing kid. But I don’t want her to get used to me being around all the time. She lost her mom and dad, I don’t want her to see me as a parental figure only to lose me too.” 

Spencer’s hand slipped from yours and he quickly pocketed both of his hands. You frowned at him as he turned away from you. 

“Right. Of course.” He watched Wren smile and thank Mrs Taylor for the candy. 

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?” You glared at him.

“Nothing. I just forget sometimes what a hardship this is for you.” 

“Spencer, I never said-”

“What did you get, pumpkin?” He cut you off as Wren came running back over, his tone lightening as he regarded her. 

Wren showed off her haul and soon you were continuing on. Spencer walked with Wren now, holding her free hand while you hung back. 

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that this would get complicated. But why did it? 

***

The night ended worse than it started. When your rounds of the neighbourhood took you past the old Briar house, the home where Wren watched her parents die, it came to an abrupt end with tears. 

Spencer carried her home while she sobbed in his arms. He put her to bed and spent a long time coddling her while she cried for her parents. 

He found you in the living room, your wig and hat on the coffee table. You stood from the couch when he entered the room. 

“I don’t really feel like company tonight so maybe you should just stay in the guest room.” His jaw was clenched tightly as he spoke. 

“Right, sure.” You nodded. 

He turned away from you, started towards the stairs before quickly turned back around.

“You know what actually, maybe you should look into moving back into your apartment. This place is kinda crowded. You only need to be here when Jenny visits anyway, there’s no point in you being here all the time. And that way Wren won’t get attached to you and it’ll make it easier all round.” He turned again but before he could get too far you grabbed him by the wrist. 

“Spencer, please don’t say that. We talked about this, we had a plan, we-”

“Stop it, please.” He cut you off. “I can’t do this right now, ok? I have a little girl upstairs who I had to rock to sleep because she couldn’t stop crying about her dead parents. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with all this right now.” 

“Fine.” You clenched your jaw to stop the tears falling. “But let me just say it isn’t fair for you to act this way when we had an agreement. You knew what my involvement was going to be in all of this and the plan was never for me to be her mother!” 

“The plan?” He suddenly spat. “The goddamn plan? You make it sound so clinical!”

“I thought it was.” You rolled your eyes. “Did you expect that I was going to wake up one day and change my mind? Was that what you hoped for here? That I’d play happy families and realise this is what I wanted?”

“Yes,” he shrugged. “Yes, that's exactly what I hoped would happen. Excuse me for believing that two people who are as in love as I thought we were could raise a child together.” 

“Maybe I should move out.” 

“Good.”

“Great.” 

“I’ll help you pack.” With that he turned again and this time you let him go. 

You watched as he ascended the staircase, clearly wanting to make more noise about it but not wanting to wake Wren. 

Once you heard his bedroom door shut you fell back to the couch and your tears unleashed. 

What had possessed you into thinking this would be a good idea? You’d wanted to help Spencer and never once stopped to think of the ramifications. 

Like it or not you and Wren had grown close, despite your best efforts. Your leaving would be hard on her. And it would be hard on you too.

You’d come to care for that little girl even though you’d tried so hard not to. You weren’t ready to be a mom, or so you thought, but Wren had wormed her way into your heart. 

And now you were going to lose her and Spencer through your own stubbornness. 

Well done, Y/N, you thought to yourself as you cried. You’ve really gone and fucked this up. 

***

The following day Spencer dropped Wren off at school, thankfully in a much brighter mood than she had been the previous night. 

You both had the day off work for Jenny’s weekly visit and if she noticed the awkwardness between the two of you she didn’t mention it. 

Spencer was amazing at keeping his emotions in check when he needed to and even you believed he was happy. 

You sat amicably and drank tea while Spencer filled the social worker in on your Halloween night, glossing over all the bad parts. 

It struck you that Jenny wasn’t taking notes like usual, didn’t even have her notebook out. You weren’t sure if Spencer noticed or not or if he was too busy pretending he had the perfect family to notice. 

When the tea dried up along with the conversation, Jenny pulled a manilla envelope out of her briefcase and proffered it forward. 

Spencer took it with a frown, in the corner in black ink it read simply: Re: Wren Briar - Reid Y/L/N.

“Uh,” he ran his fingers over the envelope and looked up at Jenny with a frown. “What is this?” 

Jenny smiled softly, a smile that reached all the way to her eyes. 

“Congratulations,” she spoke sincerely. “That is your official adoption papers. Wren is now formally in the care of the two of you.” 

You felt a flurry of emotions all at once and you didn’t know which one to focus on. But you were distracted from that when Spencer, out of nowhere, started sobbing. 

“S-seriously?” He stuttered, tears streaming from his eyes. 

“Seriously, Doctor Reid.” Jenny smiled. “I know it’s been a long and difficult process, but it’s over now.”

“Oh my god.” He grabbed your hand and squeezed it tightly. “Oh my god.” 

Seeing the happiness on Spencer’s face made your own tears fall and you gripped him tightly. 

“We did it, Spence. We did it.” You cried. 

Jenny saw herself out as the two of you continued to cry. At some point Spencer wrapped you in his arms and sobbed into your shoulder while you did the same into his chest. 

Eventually both your tears started letting up and he sat back and wiped the stains on your cheek. He was smiling shakily at you and you returned the gesture. 

“Don’t leave.” He whispered, voice cracking with emotion. “Please don’t leave. I don’t want to do this without you. I know this wasn’t part of the plan but-”

“Screw the plan.” You cut him off. “Plans change. I can’t ignore the feeling of elation and relief I felt when Jenny told us. Goddamnit I love Wren, I love her so much. And I want to be her mother, Spencer, I really want that.” 

“You…” he choked. “You do?”

“Yes. This wasn’t the life I envisioned for myself but life isn’t straightforward. Things happen, plans change. I found my family. And it’s you and Wren.” You smiled as your tears started up again.

Spencer was quick to tug you back into his arms and hold you tighter than you’d ever been held before. He nuzzled against your neck and placed soft kisses on your flesh. 

“I love you so much.” He cried. “And I love our little found family.” 

You stayed like this for some time, until you needed to pick Wren up from school. For the first time you and Spencer went together. 

When you told her the news she jumped up and down and squeezed you both as tightly as her little arms would allow and it filled your heart to the brim. 

There was no doubt in your mind that this was where you were supposed to be. 

As she planted big sloppy kisses on yours and Spencer’s cheeks, you heard him whisper, welcome to the family little pumpkin. 

***

Four Months Later

The noise from the backyard filtered in through the open door, little voices chattering, the occasional screech of excitement, giggle from tiny lungs and small feet pitter pattering in the grass. 

You poured yourself a glass of water and sipped from it while you observed the chaos. 

It was Wren’s sixth birthday and damn near every child in her school had descended on your home. The BAU team members and their kids were all in attendance and you wondered if your garden would ever be the same again. 

There was a bounce house in one corner, a magician in the other - for which Spencer had begrudged paying for when he could have done it himself. 

You’d insisted he wanted to be more present for the event, really enjoy the memories made today on her first birthday as your daughter. 

Rover had long ago distanced himself from children pulling his matted fur and retired to his bed in Wren’s room. You couldn’t blame him, you’d half contemplated joining him. 

You were exhausted from all the planning, from the demands of motherhood and still trying to hold down your job at the BAU, albeit only part time now. 

You hadn’t even stopped to consider how tiring the party would actually be. 

You felt a presence behind you and spun on your heels to find Spencer smiling at you as he sidled up to you. He moved in close and placed a chaste kiss on your lips.

“Are you as tired as I am?” He chuckled. 

“I don’t think anyone is as tired as you, you’re the life and soul of this party.” You teased him. “I saw Wren dragging you on to the bounce house.” 

“It’s been a long time since my old knee injury hurt this bad.” He grumbled a little. “But it’s worth it to see her happy.” 

“I can’t believe she’s six already. The months are flying by.” You sighed wistfully. 

“She’ll be eighteen and going off to college any day now.” He laughed.

“Bringing boys home.”

“Don’t you dare!” He gasped. “Do not put that idea in my head.”

“Sorry,” you smiled sweetly. “It’s a long way off.” 

“It better be.” He shook his head. 

“So, uh…I got you something.” You reached behind you and grabbed the small, neatly wrapped gift off of the kitchen counter. 

Spencer frowned at it as he took it somewhat cautiously. 

“You got me a gift? For our daughter's birthday?” He ran his fingertips over the wrapping paper curiously. 

“Just open it and be grateful.” You rolled your eyes playfully. 

Still with a frown on his face, Spencer tore the gift wrap, the same kind as you used to wrap the obscene amount of gifts you’d brought Wren. 

You held your breath and waited, your nerves getting the better of you and you leaned back against the counter top as your legs shook a little. 

Spencer’s deft fingers made quick work of the paper, tossing it aside like the excited six year old had with her own gifts. 

Once opened he stared at the item in his hand. Approximately five inches long. Thin. Hard plastic. 

You watched him stare at it as if it was a completely foreign object, patiently waiting for him to look up, to say something. 

His hands started to tremble and when he finally did look up at you, tears swam in his eyes. 

“Is this…for real?” His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke. 

“It’s like the fifth one I took so I’m fairly certain.” You nodded, feeling your own eyes fill with tears. “Wren’s going to be a big sister.” 

Pregnancy test still in hand, he suddenly threw his arms around you and squeezed you so tightly you felt the air leave your lungs. 

“We’re having another child?” He whispered against your neck.

“This family just keeps growing.” You laughed as you wrapped him in your arms. 

You wiped away your tears, not wanting to be seen crying at Wren’s birthday party. But soon your moment was over, and you were being forced away from each other. 

“Mommy, daddy, is it time for cake?” Wren’s voice carried in from the garden.

You sprung apart and stared at each other, a new batch of tears in both of your eyes for completely different reasons. 

“Did she just…” you breathed, voice slightly horse.

“I think so.” Spencer sniffed, a delighted smile on his face. 

Thus far Wren had always called you both by your names which was entirely understandable. Spencer had always told her she could call you mom and dad if and when she felt it was right. 

“As if this day wasn’t perfect enough.” He wiped his eyes, pocketing the pregnancy test after giving it one last look. 

“We better go, daddy.” You winked at him and went to pass him but he grabbed you by the waist. 

“Oh jeez, why is that so hot when you say it?” He growled, bowing his head and placing kisses on your neck, making you giggle. 

“Really?” You smirked. 

“Really.” He hissed, stepping back and nodding to his crotch where you can instantly see the bulge forming in his slacks. 

“Hmm, I’ll bear that in mind daddy.” You chuckled and he let out a soft low moan.

But before he could reply, you were summoned again. 

“Mommy, daddy!” Wren hollered from the yard. 

“Ok, not so sexy anymore.” He shook his head, stepping further back. “I’ll get the cake.”

“I’ll get my phone so I can film you and your horrible singing.” You gently kissed his cheek before he walked away. 

Spencer lit the six candles on the pumpkin shaped birthday cake and cautiously carried it through to the yard while he began singing happy birthday. 

All the kids and adults joined in as Wren beamed from ear to ear as all eyes were on her. You held your cellphone steady, hovering by the back door where you filmed the chorus.

When the song was over everybody cheered and Wren sucked in a huge breath before blowing out the candles. 

You watched on as Spencer placed a kiss in her messy dark hair and she smiled brightly at her dad in return. 

You couldn’t take your eyes off the two of them, Wren bouncing excitedly in her chair while Spencer went about cutting the cake into slices for all the children. 

Spencer handed her the first slice and she gorged on it, stuffing the cake in her mouth and leaving icing smudged around her lips.

It was crazy how much things had changed in such a short space of time. Six months ago you never would have pictured yourself here, a mother to a six year old and growing another child inside of you. 

Life has a funny way of giving us exactly what we want at exactly the wrong time. But for you and Spencer and Wren, the world had worked its magic and done you all the biggest favour. 

It had given the three of you the kind of love you all so sorely needed, it had offered a home to three people who were out in the cold. It had created a family, who in eight months time would have a new addition to it. 

Ultimately all we really strive for in life is to find somewhere to belong, and although it may have been unexpected, it was safe to say that you, Spencer and Wren had found that somewhere with each other. 

@ultragirrl @wittlewowa @bxtchopolis @coldheartedmar

[pinkeoni]

Will & Billy: The Child and the Shadow

I recently read a book of essays from sci-fi and fantasy writer, Ursula K. Le Guin. Her essay "The Child and the Shadow" opens with a recount of a short story by Hans Christian Anderson, in which a man physically separates himself from his shadow. To keep a short story even shorter, neither the man nor his shadow is able to live a fulfilling life without the other. They need each other, both the light and the shadow, to be whole.

In season 2, the same season where Will is being haunted by a mysterious shadow, we are introduced to another William: Billy.

Will and Billy never have any meaningful interactions, or any real interactions at all, yet their stories are given so many interest similarities that are hard to ignore. They both come form abusive fathers, they both fell into possession by Vecna/the Mind Flayer, and of course, they both share the same name.

I think that, at least on a subconscious level, Will and Billy are meant to serve as two halves of one whole William. The light and dark. The child and the shadow.

Despite their similarities, Billy and Will are noticeably much different people. Will is kind and sensitive, but we've also seen how he often lets people walk all over him and withholds his feelings from others. Billy is confident and outgoing, but he's also aggressive and abusive.

I think the biggest difference between Will and Billy is their individual sexuality, and how those affect both how they act and how they are perceived. Will is ostracized from the towns people and referred to as Zombie Boy, which I've explained in a separate post how this ties into the eighties small town homophobia. Will is also sexually repressed, not being able to or allowing himself to display any of these desires. Billy is well received by the town from the get go, and wears his sexuality on his sleeve. We get a line from Max in season 3 indicating that Billy has frequent sexual encounters.

But his desire and selfishness is also what leads him to his demise. Billy is possessed while on his way to a steamy encounter with Mrs. Wheeler, a woman he knows is married. While this affair isn't necessarily a direct cause for his possession, I do think it's meant to be a consequence for his actions.

Will's problem in season 2 has to do with his emotional repression, he isn't able to tell his mother about the Mind Flayer until it's too late. And while I think that his possession might have been inevitable even if he had told her, what ends up freeing Will in the end is his family (and Nancy).

Le Guin uses both Jungian philosophy and Taoist beliefs to explain this idea of light and shadow, and how it applies to fiction. She explains that the journey of the hero is not dictated purely by light, but by the discovery of both.

"The only way for a youngster to get past the paralyzing self-blame and self-disgust of this stage is really go look at that shadow, to face it, warts and fangs and pimples and claws and all—to accept it as himself—as part of himself. The ugliest part, but not the weakest. For the shadow is the guide. The guide inward and out again; downward and up again; there, as Bilbo the Hobbit said, and back again. The guide of the journey to self-knowledge, to adulthood, to the light."

In keeping with Le Guin's Taoist beliefs, I believe that Will and Billy are meant to be these two halves of Yin and Yang. Will, the light, and Billy, the dark. But the two halves stand alone, unable to be whole. I wish that the show could have given us interactions between Will and Billy, especially in season 3. I think that their similar histories could have lead to interesting conversations.

Billy's darkness ultimately leads to his demise. He is maybe able to see the light at the very end, but it's too late, and the consequence of Billy's exploits ends in his death, where he is quite literally killed by the shadow itself.

I'm not saying that Will is going to die (at least not permanently, but that's a post for another day) but I do think that this ending for Billy is meant to show where Will's story could go, if he does not look inward and accept his own inner darkness. We see a little bit of this in season 2 before it is evaded— Will could be consumed by shadow until it eventually kills him.

So I think that this is where Will's story is going in season 5. In order for him to come-of-age, he is going to have to do what Billy couldn't, and become whole. I think for Will's story that means confronting own desires, and overcoming the shame that comes with it. He needs to turn inward and face the darkness inside of himself, before coming back to the light.