#big gender thoughts which I will not put in any official tags because I will be summarily destroyed by children

[briar-rolfes-research-oubliette]

—Really enjoying this k.d. lang quote from a 1994 Vanity Fair article.

The full quote is a little different:

​The real points of interest to me are ‘I use my sexuality, but I eliminate the gender from it’ + ‘androgyny… is making your sexuality available to everyone.’ I’m about to have spicy gender thoughts.

I think our current western understanding of gender as something totally disconnected from sexuality (the gender bread man etc) has served its limited purpose… it’s time to think about how queer sexualities ARE genders. Butch is a gender, bear is a gender, twink is a gender—they each come with their own modes of dress and speech, social roles, a rough ballpark for sexual interests, and a rough idea of possible pronouns and terms of respect to use—which are what a gender needs in order to serve its social function. (I don’t think gender exists beyond a social function; gender is outward-facing, it is a combination of signals that tell people how to approach you. It’s for this reason that I don’t believe gender exists as an immutable feature of souls, genitals, or hormones. I think this is why autistic people are so good at realising they’re trans… they’re more likely to think about their social interactions from different analytical angles).

ANYWAY, this lang quote has made me think about how the thing androgyny communicates is bisexuality. Realising I was bi and that, if I wanted to be noticed, I needed to dress the part was the reason I started thinking about my gender in the first place. Whenever people say ‘nonbinary people don’t owe you androgyny’ it has always pissed me off, because it’s been so clear to me that I owe it to myself FOR other people (not straight people, lol. my gender is illegible to them, but that’s okay… it’s not For them). Maybe that’s because my gender is just communicating my sexuality.

I’m simply not gonna start unpacking the idea of Elvis as androgynous. I just can’t do it… not tonight…

[chaosintheavenue]

OC Interview! I was tagged by @orionlancasterr (thank you!), and it seems like a lot of people have already been tagged, so I'll just tag anyone who sees this and wants a go.

As usual, I'm going to fill this out for Trin, because my brain is still firmly stuck on her...

Trin

Name: Trinity Elloise Gant

Nickname: Trin (uses in 99% of situations), Trini (only to specific people)

Gender: Cis woman, but she definitely hasn't thought deeply into it, and I have a sneaking feeling things might change if she did

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: 5’6-ish

Orientation: Aromantic asexual and absolutely not interested in anything relationship-wise

Ethnicity: White (judging by appearance, at least), but she doesn't know anything more specific than that. She has no idea who two out of her four grandparents were, so a lot of her family background is a mystery

Nationality: I frankly don't know enough BoS lore to answer that question lol. She's been registered as a member of the BoS no less than three separate times, but I'm not sure whether she'd also technically be an NCR citizen from living with the California chapter? Also considered a member of the Ciphers, but there's no paperwork to show for it, so that probably wouldn't be counted as 'official' dual citizenship or anything. The one thing I do solidly know is that she does not consider herself- or anyone else born post-war- to be USAmerican

Fave Fruit: Cranberries!

Fave Season: Fall/autumn

Fave Flower: Any nuked flora- she loves the vibrant colours, even though they don't last long and gathering them isn't exactly a tranquil flower picking expedition

Fave Scent: Wood smoke, or the general scent of air at night

Coffee, Tea, or HC: Either coffee or herbal teas with flowers

Average Hours of Sleep: Varies wildly depending on current levels of Scorchiness

Dog or Cat Person: Cat (Juliet her beloved), but she's not averse to dogs and sometimes envisions herself owning one in the future

Dream Trip: I'm pretty sure this was the journey to West Virginia for her, which she's already done. She seems pretty intent on staying put there now for the forseeable future

Favorite Fictional Character: She's never had much interest in fiction, but recently Sofia has exposed her to a range of comic book heroes that she finds at least fleetingly interesting

Number of Blankets They Sleep With: Just her patch blanket

Random Fact: When she set out to buy herself a companion animal just before she first travelled to West Virginia, she was 100% intending to get a big dog for physical protection (and potentially name it Dogmeat, as is tradition), but quickly let herself get talked into buying a little kitten instead

[ullwinner]

I posted 64 times in 2021

5 posts created (8%)

59 posts reblogged (92%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 11.8 posts.

I added 181 tags in 2021

#text - 52 posts

#art - 18 posts

#pic - 17 posts

#hbtqia+ - 14 posts

#red vs blue - 14 posts

#rvb - 14 posts

#fun - 13 posts

#saiki kusuo no ψ nan - 13 posts

#hbtq - 13 posts

#lgbtq - 13 posts

Longest Tag: 58 characters

#come on guys. we can’t just let belgium do better than us!

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Wanted to get a more genderfluid hair cut. 

When I want short, I can put up my hair in a man bun/high bun and when I want long, I just let my hair, a long bit left over the undercut, out.

The stylist asked if she could make an inbaked braid, And I have never had one so I said yeah.

0 notes • Posted 2021-06-08 09:46:47 GMT

#4

A ask About my agenderness

Hey, could you tell me a bit about your experience as agender? For example how you figured out you're agender, what's your relationship with gender, what pronouns do you use, struggles, representation etc.

Thanks! 

Sincerely, A slightly gender confused child

 Ok, so, I lost your ask, SO I am tagging you. @official-virtual-hug-dealer

I am not the standard when it comes to gender or agender and this post is long so i’ll try doing a read more

Very different childhood, not bad, just different from most.

My mother was raised with different “Fancy” “high class” standards, Make-up mostly no (She learned only about old types of make-up that was not great for the body), natural beauty, pretty nails not need, Shaving was not as important to her to talk about to me as I mostly wore long armed and long-legged clothing (When I started wearing shorter, then she started), clothing not an issue, etc.

 -

That, plus other stuff, meant that it took a long time to realize that I was different gender-wise, just thought I was different because childhood.

When you think you’re different just because your family is different, then you can dismiss differences between you and others.

If my mom had push me to be more fem, I may have realize sooner, because I would have been uncomfortable on my non-fem days

 how you figured out you're agender:

It started after realizing that people feel gender.

I started thinking, what am I?

Big epiphany a day when the towel over my body laid in a way that made it look like a male part. My brain went: that’s a penis you have and I felt not bad no matter how long I looked or thought about it.

Just a few days earlier I had looked at my foot imaging it being like a chimpanzee, spreading it out and moving the toes, and after a minute, it felt so wrong that I had to look away.

I started recording when I felt a type of way about gender. When I felt masc, fem, and when I felt nothing.

I used to correct people about gender but after I thought about it, I realized that I am fine with any, I only corrected because I was taught that female was right and male was not me. I also wanted to show a different type of women.

It took years to find agender and many more to accept it. (This is first year as out to anyone).

 -

what's your relationship with gender: Gender? I hardly know her! But for real, I can see gender mostly when it comes to others.

One day, I put up my hair. My brain went: A girl. I paused, put my hair in a different way, and my brain went: a man.

I let my hair down and asked my brain, what now, And it was silent.

 -

what pronouns do you use: All except English It/itself, but haven’t had the chance to test any except hon(Swedish she) which I don’t always like and I think I like Hen (a Swedish gender neutral)

- 

struggles:

1. Imposter syndrome, which my genderfluidity is not helping. (When I write “Hon”, I felt bad as today is apparently not a girl day, but 2 days ago I was a girl and thought I was fake, being not cis), 

2. accepting that I am part of the trans and nonbinary umbrella (After thinking that I “was not a part of that” for so long, it’s hard to stop),

3. getting others to understand, accepting, and not feel pity because I don’t feel gender. It’s hard to explain to some who need to understand to really accept.

You don’t have to do that but I really really wanted this person to understand. So.

Representation: I am still trying to involve myself in agender things so I don’t know much but, as far as I can tell, we don’t have much.

Most you may find on sites are not human (Robots, aliens, monsters etc) but are around humans.

It’s, in those cases, not the character finding agender and making themselves id as agender, the maker just didn’t give them an id or the media uses agender for things that don’t have a sex and/or as a form of dehumanizing/ seeing or showing the character as not human.

Some reclaiming probably does happen with those characters.

 -

My Tips if you are wondering about your gender is:

1.    read about all sorts of gender, (Even “silly” ones).

2.    find a label that you like, Labels are meant to make you happy

3.    Remember presentation is not gender, pronouns don’t automatically mean any one gender.

4.    If how you feel about your gender changes, that’s ok, no matter how many times it does.

5.    Try looking at stuff beyond gender eyes (binding, tucking, make-up, sport) What makes you happy, what makes you comfortable etc. Do them, even if you aren’t a part of those who do that. If it makes you feel good(And doesn’t hurt anyone, Including you!), then it’s not bad.

10 notes • Posted 2021-05-25 14:45:00 GMT

#3

Agender Pride (A part of a longer post)

Agender Pride

When I was young, I didn’t understand trans people. I didn’t know that others carried baskets of gender, that they could look in their baskets and see their gender. I thought that everyone felt like me: “you don’t Feel like a gender, you just are”.

But as I grew older, I met trans people, and saw on Tumblr, how they talked about feeling their gender, how even cis people feel their gender. I wasn’t the norm, everyone else felt gender.

I was Alone.

-

And then I found the term Agender and I wasn’t alone anymore.

-

I don’t feel the same as all of you. I don’t (right now, it may change) feel gender dysphoria or euphoria, And I am sure that some of you don’t feel with my description of Agender. It’s an umbrella term after all and its definition even as a non-umbrella term is meant to include us all.

-

But I wanted to share this, on this Agender day, to show one of the many ways you can feel as Agender.

11 notes • Posted 2021-05-19 09:47:04 GMT

#2

What my gender feels like for me and why I use Agender.

Explanation of gender and My gender.

Imagine that everyone has a basket full of stuff. That stuff is their gender. The gender binary is apples and oranges.

In order to know what gender you are, you have to pick up and look at what you are carrying.

-

Trans people carry their actually gender in their basket but wear the clothes of their AGAB.

Some people have grapefruit and say: Well, it isn’t an apple, so it must be an orange.” It kind of looks like an orange, but something feels off when they call it an orange.

Some have bananas and quickly feel like something’s up. It’s not an apple or an orange, but unless they learn about other things, they will only think that there is something weird with them.

Genderfluid people carry multiple things so when they look every day, what they pick up out of their basket can be different.

-

People carry their baskets differently as well. Some carry on their back, not really seeing their gender until they turn to look, some on their front where their gender is always in the periphery, and the smallest movement can bring attention to their gender.

But no matter how you carry, you can do sudden moves that bring forth the gender. the movements are also different for differnet people, but like all of the above, have some taught aspects.

Other people can ask or say something that reminds you of your gender as well.

Things Like: “Apples left, oranges right”, “oranges are so weird”, “If you are not an orange, then you are an apple”

-

Most of the time, I don’t carry a basket. My parents may have dress me to signal that I’m an apple carrier, and people look at me and think I have apples, but I don’t most of the time.

On rare days I do carry a basket and most of those days it’s apples, but some days it is not.

But because of those few days with apples, I have internalized saying I have apples, even when I don’t, and it took a longer time for me to realize and accept that I mostly don’t.

People ask: “What are you carrying?”, and I say Apples, because that’s what others have taught me

-

All ideas of "What color are the things you are carrying?", "Maybe you are carrying oranges!" "You just check what you're carrying!" etc, are confusing. I carry nothing.

-

I have had a hard time describing why I don’t identify with gendervoid. For me, being gendervoid is carrying an empty basket/ a basket with a blackhole.  You can see or feel void. I don’t carry a basket, so I don’t feel the void.

Agender Pride

When I was young, I didn’t understand trans people. I didn’t know that others carried baskets of gender, that they could look in their baskets and see their gender. I thought that everyone felt like me: “you don’t Feel like a gender, you just are”.

But as I grew older, I met trans people, and saw on Tumblr, how they talked about feeling their gender, how even cis people feel their gender. I wasn’t the norm, everyone else felt gender.

I was Alone.

-

And then I found the term Agender and I wasn’t alone anymore.

-

I don’t feel the same as all of you. I don’t (right now, it may change) feel gender dysphoria or euphoria, And I am sure that some of you don’t feel with my description of Agender. It’s an umbrella term after all and its definition even as a non-umbrella term is meant to include us all.

-

But I wanted to share this, on this Agender day, to show one of the many ways you can feel as Agender.

12 notes • Posted 2021-05-19 09:45:46 GMT

#1

Explaintion of gender and My gender.(Agenderfluid) (Part of a longer post)

Imagine that everyone has a basket full of stuff. That stuff is their gender. The gender binary is apples and oranges.

In order to know what gender you are, you have to pick up and look at what you are carrying.

Trans people carry their actually gender in their basket but wear the clothes of their AGAB.

Some people have grapefruit and say: Well, it isn’t an apple, so it must be an orange.” It kind of looks like an orange, but something feels off when they call it an orange.

Some have bananas and quickly feel like something’s up. It’s not an apple or an orange, but unless they learn about other things, they will only think that there is something weird with them.

Genderfluid people carry multiple things so when they look every day, what they pick up out of their basket can be different.

-

People carry their baskets differently as well. Some carry on their back, not really seeing their gender until they turn to look, some on their front where their gender is always in the periphery, and the smallest movement can bring attention to their gender.

But no matter how you carry, you can do sudden moves that bring forth the gender. the movements are also different for differnet people, but like all of the above, have some taught aspects.

Other people can ask or say something that reminds you of your gender as well.

Things Like: “Apples left, oranges right”, “oranges are so weird”, “If you are not an orange, then you are an apple” 

-

Most of the time, I don’t carry a basket. My parents may have dress me to signal that I’m an apple carrier, and people look at me and think I have apples, but I don’t most of the time.

On rare days I do carry a basket and most of those days it’s apples, but some days it is not.

But because of those few days with apples, I have internalized saying I have apples, even when I don’t, and it took a longer time for me to realize and accept that I mostly don’t.

People ask: “What are you carrying?”, and I say Apples, because that’s what others have taught me

-

All ideas of "What color are the things you are carrying?", "Maybe you are carrying oranges!" "You just check what you're carrying!" etc, are confusing. I carry nothing.

I have had a hard time describing why I don’t identify with gendervoid. For me, being gendervoid is carrying an empty basket/ a basket with a blackhole.  You can see or feel void. I don’t carry a basket, so I don’t feel the void.

26 notes • Posted 2021-05-19 09:47:08 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[fireemblems24]

Ao3 Ship Thoughts

To sate my desire to read Three Houses fan fiction and jump in on the shipping comments that have upticked recently, I decided to see what ships were the most popular on Ao3.

Some of it's exactly what I expected, and one in particular is just . . . what, why?

Ao3 is probably the closest you'll get to truly determining which ships are the most popular, or at least have the highest number of passionate fans. So I was curious to see who the top ships were. Here's the ones listed, in order:

Sylvain/Felix

Dimitri/Byleth

Edelgard/Byleth

Ferdinand/Hubert

Claude/Byleth

Dimitri/Felix

Dimitri/Claude

Felix/Annette

Caspar/Linhardt

Hilda/Marrianne

If I exclude the Byleth ships, Dimitri/Dedue, Byleth/Seteth, and Ingrid/Sylvain take up the three missing spots.

Byleth's Ships

I'm shocked. Really, truly shocked that Byleth/Lord is popular. Never wouldn't guessed. I am, of course, being sarcastic. If someone asked me to list who I think would show up in the top 10 most popular ships, the first three I'd list would be Byleth/Lord.

What I find more interesting is that Byleth/Seteth is the fourth option for Byleth. AO3 writers, I officially bow to your taste. It pleases me quite a bit that, if you're not going with one of the main lords, you all want Seteth. This I can agree with.

As for the Byleth/Lord ships, I feel kind of mixed on them. Every lord interacts with characters who have more depth than Byleth, but I still get the appeal. I'm going to deep dive into all of the lords relationships with Byleth later, but here's a quick summary.

Edelgard/Byleth is shoved down your throat so hard it's nearly impossible to ship Edelgard with someone else and even shortchanges her potential to have deep, non-romantic relationships because Edelgard puts Byleth on a pedestal that no one else can reach by her own dialogue.

Byleth's character arc works well alongside Dimitri's. While the relationship is pushed and fanservice-y scenes exist, the game leaves enough breathing room to see Byleth as a mentor/therapist/teacher figure, and Dimitri has no shortage of deep, meaningful relationships with others should you not want to do the whole self-insert thing. It's a good balance.

Claude and Byleth are the opposite of Edelgard and Byleth. They read almost more like friends than lovers. It's a breath of fresh air, honestly. Claude/Byleth seems like the healthiest possible romance for Byleth/lord because the lord in question here doesn't seem as dependent. That said, it lacks lacks romance and shipping fuel. I may complain about fanservice, but the Byleth/Claude dynamic does show why scenes of holding hands in the rain and teasing about badly drawn images might actually come in handy.

Edelgard's Ships

I'm not surprised, at all, that Edelgard has no popular ships outside of Byleth. Dialogue consistently shortchanges Edelgard's relationships with others by having her verbally, repeatedly put Byleth into a special "other" that no one else can reach for her.

Though, I guess I'm a bit surprised at the extreme lack of Edelgard/Hubert. I feel these two have a lot of shipping fuel and their supports left things unresolved. I've come across the sentiment in fandom many times that ship where things are tied off nicely with a bow leave less to explore and aren't as interesting, so I am bummed out no one seems interested in fleshing out Hubert/Edelgard more.

The outlook for Edelgard fanfic and me seems pretty limited. I don't like Edelgard/Byleth for various reasons beyond this scope of this post. I was kind of hoping there were some Edelgard/Hubert or Edelgard/Dorothea character study stuff that could help me get past how much Byleth gets in the way of Edelgard's character growth, but it seems fanfic writers only want to write about her and Byleth, which is a bummer.

On that note, I'm also surprised but also glad that Dimitri/Edelgard isn't a big thing. I thought it might be because tragedy of childhood friends turned enemies by events out of their control is popular. These two seem wildly incompatible though, so I'm glad people seem to agree.

Claude's Ships

Ok. Claude/Byleth. Expected. I'm feel positively towards the ship since they seem mostly good for each other even if it's not getting my heart all fluttering.

I'm surprised there's no Claude/Petra or Claude/Hilda. Those two are my personal favorites for him. I would've given Claude/Petra the edge given how they can uniquely relate to each other, but Hilda's scene in CF really gave Petra a run for her money. Even more so that Petra and Claude have obligations to two different nations and Hilda has no such complication.

But whattttt???? Claude/Dimitri? It's in the top 10?? More people ship Dimitri with Claude than Dedue?? I thought lord/lord might be popular, but I honestly thought Dimitri/Edelgard would take it, not Claude/Dimitri. They never really talk. So I'm a bit confused about this one. Though, intrigued by the idea.

Can I take a wild guess this partly stems from Claude having no real other viable M/M ships outside of M!Byleth and fics that plays up the chapter I'm about to play in AM (Dimitri saving Claude) or "what ifs" VW routes where Dimitri doesn't . . . you know.

I am really curious about this dynamic though. Because I like Claude - a lot. He's a character I want to get attached to. From experience, the fastest way for me to like a character is to give them a significant relationship I enjoy with a character I already love and the new character gets absorbed by proxy. So, fans, please, tell me more about this Dimitri/Claude. I am curious.

Dimitri's Ships

I am as unsurprised by Dimitri's being one of the biggest repeat offenders on here as I am by Edelgard being Byleth or bust. If Edelgard is written to fanservice the player by making the self-insert her one and only, Dimitri is fanservicing the player by being a shipping magnet. The writers knew what they were doing and who they were trying to appeal to with these two characters.

Dimitri/Byleth is a given. The game plays up the romance angle, but it's not at the expense of Dimitri's other relationships.

What I'm more interested in, though, is Felix/Dimitri. Between angsty CF stories, post-AM slow-burns, or fleshing out missing scenes from their shared childhood, there's just a lot to work with and a rich context to use their relationship - spun romantically - to explore each character. Felix and Dimitri's relationship is layered, complicated, heart breaking, and potentially healing. The fact they're two incredibly attractive guys doesn't hurt its popularity either, I'm sure. I'm not surprised it ranked that highly.

Claude/Dimitri surprises me. If two lords were going to get on this list together, I would've put bets on Edelgard/Dimitri. Since Claude and Dimitri's relationship is fairly unexplored, I'm really interested to see more about what exactly this is about. Don't get me wrong. I figured people would pair two main characters who are that good looking together, I just didn't think it would rank that high.

I am, slightly sad, that Dimitri/Dedue isn't a bit higher, but happy it seems to have some steam. I get it though. Dedue's not as flashy as some of the others on the shipping list and their relationship is so full of fluff by their A support it lacks the angst Felix/Dimitri and Dimitri/Byleth can draw out nor is as much of a play around with "what ifs" as Claude/Dimitri is.

Non-Lords/Main Characters Ships:

This list, more than anything else, shows AO3's penchant for writing M/M and F/F works for better or worse. Whether this phenomena stems from lack of representation, fetishizing by the fanbase, deeply ingrained gender roles making fictional M/F ships either less appealing to many fanfic writers, or M/F romances often getting assumed leading to less substantial writing compared to friendships - I don't know. Probably all of it.

There are a few surprises here for me. Felix/Sylvain is that popular? I figured they'd make the top 10, but #1 is surprising. Though, looking through the first page of the tag, it's true Felix/Sylvain have fics just for them, but it also seems like a common pairing in Dimitri/Byleth and Dimitri/Claude fics. It's the same story with Caspar/Linhardt, who I honestly didn't expect to see. They had a fair number of their own fics, but it seems many CF fics put them together rather than focus solely on them. Felix/Annette also balances being the main focus and an adjunct pairing. Marianne/Hilda seemed to have less fics where they took center stage and more they were one of many ships listed.

Ferdinand/Hubert having a lot of fics isn't surprising. I don't really care too much for it personally, but I can see the appeal of it.

I'm surprised Catherin/Shamir is nowhere in sight. Likewise, Rhea is absolutely nowhere. Kind of sad by the lack of adult characters in general. Especially Rhea. I think it's a pretty big sign of how the writing's treated her that such an important character is totally absent in this list.

Not surprised at all to see Felix also get so many ships. He, like Dimitri, seems designed on purpose to ship with many characters. I do really wish Dorothea and Seteth would get more attention though.

What do you guys think? Anything that surprised you? How do you feel about any of these ships and there popularity or lack thereof? Are there characters/pairings you wish got more attention? Any popular ships you despise (spill that tea)?

[write-orflight]

Settle Down: Chapter 6

**Gif Not Mine**

Prev -  Next

Pairings: SpencerXReader (kinda enemies to lovers)  

Rating: M

Words: 2.8K

Warnings: None really

Request: OPEN/CLOSED

Summary:    Y/N and Spencer don’t get along but turn to each other for the one thing you need someone else for… A baby. You can plantonically start a    family, right?

A.N: Kinda a filler chapter and I kinda made JJ a bitch in this chapter, oops. Let me know what you think and reply to this chapter or message to be tagged. much love- Cia

Chapter 6: Well, she’s a blob right now, so I hope not

You groaned when you woke up. 

Your head and throat hurt so much. Spencer stirred next to you, sitting up when he saw you moved. He wordlessly hands you a cup of water, which you take graciously. 

“How do you feel?” Spencer asks. 

“Head hurts.” You groan. 

“Yea, a concussion will do that.” He chuckles. 

You look him in the eyes. “The baby?” 

“Is completely fine.” Spencer finishes. “But about that…” 

“What happened?” 

“I’d like to preface this with it’s not my fault.” Spencer explains. “But when the doctor was telling me what happened, he let it slip that the baby was fine… in front of Morgan and Garcia.” 

You wince. “How pissed are they?” 

“They’re more excited than anything but… She is a little mad that we didn’t tell her especially since she knew we were trying.” 

You nod. “I’ll get her a gift this weekend, she’ll get over it. But that means we’re going to have to tell everyone huh?” 

“I made them agree to keep it under wraps until you were ready. It’s your decision.” 

You nod. “I’ll go to Hotch as soon as I’m out of here.” You say. 

“Y/N, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to--” 

“No, you were right. I can’t keep putting the baby at risk because I’m scared. It’s better to just tell him as soon as possible and deal with the repercussions later.” You say. “You don’t have to, but will you come with me? I won’t tell anyone it’s yours if you don’t want me to.” 

Spencer looks at you incredulously. “What? Y/N, I was not going to make you do this alone. We’re a team now. If we tell them, we do it together.” He says, grabbing your hand. 

“Thanks, Spencer.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

--------------------------------------------------------------

You never liked being in Hotch’s office which is why you tried to avoid it all cost. Spencer’s leg bounced nervously as the two of you waited for Hotch to finish his phone call. You tapped his leg to get his attention. Once granted, you gave him a look that read Are you okay or do I need to do this alone? Spencer shakes his head no at you and you lean back. Eventually, Hotch hangs up the phone and levels a look at the two of you. 

“What did the two of you need to meet with me about?” He asks. “If this is another coffee dispute, I don’t want to be involved--” 

“He knew that was my mug but that’s now what we’re here for.” You say. “We’re here because I need to fill out a leave form.” 

Hotch looks at you seemingly more confused than he was before but nods anyway. “What leave form do you need?” 

“Um, maternity.” Hotch’s eyes snap back up at you, widely drifting from you and Spencer. You knew you didn’t have to say it, Hotch was a talented Profiler and has been one for years. “I’m about 3 months now, so I’ll need it around November for 3 months and Spencer will need 1 month of Paternity leave--” 

“Ok, let's back up for a second so I can make sure I’m clear on what’s happening here.” Hotch says, holding up his hands. “You’re pregnant?” 

“Yes.” You say. 

“And Spencer is--” 

“The father, yes.”  

“And you guys are…?” He trails off. 

“Co-Parents.” You say at the same time as Spencer says “Friends.” 

Hotch sighs, pinching his brow together. “Is your previous relationship going to affect how you work together now?” 

You and Spencer look at each other in confusion for a second before realizing exactly what Hotch was saying to you. “Sir, I understand your confusion but there is no previous relationship to worry about. Me and Spencer have never been in any kind of relationship. We just mutually wanted a kid.” You say. 

“It won’t affect our work, sir.” Spencer adds. 

“Well, except for the obvious way.” You say, pointing at your belly. 

Hotch sighs again, before wordlessly handing the both of you a form. “I suggest the two of you find a better way to tell the team than you did me.” 

You and Spencer wince at that before getting up, mumbling ‘yes, sir’. When you’re almost out the door, you hear Hotch call. “Y/N?” 

You turn back, raising an eyebrow. “Yes?” 

“Congratulations.” He says. 

You can’t help the smile that crosses your face. “Thank you, sir.”  

-------------------------------------------------

The two of you decide to wait two more weeks before telling everyone, wanting to find out the gender first. You find out that you’re having a girl and Spencer holds you while crying while the doctor shows you your baby on the Ultrasound screen. 

Your baby. 

The very real human that you and Spencer created was in fact, real and you could see her. 

“Thank you.” He whispers to you, when the two of you leave the office, pictures of your beautiful daughter in hand. “I just never thought I’d get this experience.” 

It’s enough to make the waterworks start again. 

Later, you go into work, lunch for you in Penelope in hand. When you sit the sandwich from her favorite shop in front of her, she says nothing. 

“Aw, come on Pen. You can’t still be mad at me.” 

“Yes, I can be.” She pouts. 

“Look, I’m sorry I kept it from you but I didn’t want to tell anyone until I was sure I was having a healthy baby.” You say, Pen looks a little guilty but still keeps her back towards you. Alright, you think, time to pull out the big guns. “Would you still be mad at me if I let you be first to see the pictures of your goddaughter?” 

That makes Penelope turn towards you with a wide eyed expression. “Goddaughter? As in--” 

“We’re  having a girl.” You say. “And we want you to be the godmother. But only if you want to.” You add. 

Penelope smiles wide before wrapping you in a tight hug. “Of course, I will be! Are you kidding? If something happens to you, someone’s gotta make sure this kid gets into Harvard.” 

You laugh. “Make it UPenn and you’ve got a deal.” 

“You bet! Now, I was promised pictures…?” You smile and hand them over. Penelope coos as she goes through the photos. “Oh, she looks just like you.” 

“Well, she’s a blob right now, so I hope not.”   

Later, you guys get a case, 4 men murdered in New Haven, and you and Penny present the case together. After Hotch calls wheels up, you clear your throat. 

“Actually, if you guys don’t mind waiting for a second, I have something to say.” You say, addressing the larger group. “Some of you already know this but since I’m probably going to start showing more by the time you get back I figure it’s better to tell you now. I’m pregnant, well me and Spencer are. It’s a girl, and she’s due around November.” 

“Woah, are you joking?” Emily says, sitting up fully now. “You and Spencer are having a kid?” You nod and she jumps up to hug you. Which starts a cacophony of hugs and claps on the back in congrats for the both of you from the rest of the team. 

“And you told me there was nothing going on between you and boy wonder.” Emily smirks, when she pulls back from your hug. 

“Believe me when I tell you, she is the only thing happening between me and Spencer. Nothing else.” 

She laughs. “If you say so, kid. But I see the way he looks at you.” She says. You can’t help but to look at Spencer in that moment who is smiling at the congratulations being given to him too. You can’t help but also smile at his warmth. He must feel your eyes on him because he looks up and smiles brightly back at you. Soon, Hotch is congratulating you guys again but directing the team to start getting ready as the Jet will be leaving soon. Spencer walks up to you in that moment. 

“Are you going to be okay while I’m gone?” Spencer asks. 

“Am I ever not?” You counter. Spencer laughs. 

“Call me if anything happens, ok?” 

It was in that moment that you realized just how much of a staple Spencer had become in your life. The idea of him being gone on a case for so long was… actually upsetting you and before you could stop yourself you ask. 

“Can I call you if nothing happens?” You say, instantly regretting how desperate the sentence made you sound. Spencer looks at you confused for a second. “You know what? Nevermind, have fun. Or as fun as murder investigations can get--” 

“Y/N.” He cuts you off, you look up at him and he has a marshmallow soft expression on those honey colored eyes that made you almost melt on the spot. “You can call me whenever you need me. Seriously, ok?” 

You nod at the man. “Ok.” 

--------------------------------------------------------

The team comes back two weeks later when you’re officially in maternity clothes. Which were a lot more comfortable. The only thing you had to worry about was occasionally swatting Penelope’s hand away from your belly. It’s not too long after their return that Penelope is suggesting you guys have a girls night, which you agree to whole-heartedly. You couldn’t drink but you needed to get out the house, you were practically going stir crazy. 

“Alright 3 tequila shots for the grown ups and a mocktail for mama.” Garcia says handing out the drinks, which you gratefully take mumbling a thank you. 

“God, I can’t believe you and Spencer are having a kid.” Emily adds after the group takes their shots. 

“Neither can I sometimes, but I am excited.” You smile. 

“Yea, it’s kind of… shocking.” JJ adds. Your eyes narrow slightly at her tone, something was off but you decided it wasn’t worth mentioning. “I just wished you guys had talked more about it before going through with it.” She shrugs. 

Ok, now you were really confused. “Well, Spencer and I actually talked about it for a long while before actually deciding to get pregnant.” 

“I’m sure you did, I’m just saying I wish you had talked about it more with us.” She adds. 

Your mother used to always tell you no matter how hard you tried growing up, you could never fully hide when you were pissed. Which is probably why Penelope and Emily got weird looks on their face when you said. “Well JJ, I’ll be honest. When I decided I wanted to have a kid with Spencer. I didn’t think discussion needed to be had with anyone other than me and Spencer and on occasion, my doctor because we’re both adults capable of making very adult decisions.” You say, sipping your drink. “What’s your deal with Spencer anyway?” 

She brushes that off. “I just don’t think he’s ready.” 

“Well, I do because he’s an adult who thinks for himself and he told me he was ready. What, do you not think Spencer will be a good dad?” 

She shakes her head. “I know Spencer will be a great dad.” 

“So, you think I’m going to be a bad mother?” You say. JJ says nothing. “Cool, JJ, really cool.” You say, standing up and grabbing your bag. 

“Oh come on, Y/N. I didn’t say that!” She calls. 

“You didn’t have to. Thanks for inviting me, Penny.” You say, clutching your bag and holding the tears that threatened to leave. “I’ll see you guys at work.” 

Leaving the bar, you realize that you were very upset and probably shouldn’t be alone so before you can stop yourself you call him. 

Spencer answers on the second ring. “Hey, what’s wrong? I thought it was girls night.” 

“Can I come over?” You blurt. 

“Here?” Spencer asks. “Yea.” 

“Great.” You say, hanging up. 

The short ride to Spencer’s is filled with the soft sounds of Stevie Nicks playing through your speakers. When you get to the apartment building you bound up the stairs before knocking on the familiar door. You loved Spencer’s work clothes fine enough but if you had to pick a favorite Spencer’s lounge clothes were definitely in the top ten. The man stood in front of you in a pair of gray sweats and graphic t-shirt from a horror movie festival that he had told you he went to every year when you guys were talking about traditions you’d want to carry over to your child. And how he wanted for you guys to go as a family once she was a proper horror movie watching age. He wordlessly steps to the side to let you in the apartment. 

“Hey, what’s up? You never want to come here.” Spencer says, as you settle on his couch. 

“Did I pressure you into this?” You blurt. Spencer looks at you confused. 

“What?” 

“I mean, do you actually want this as much as I do or did I pressure you into this.” 

“What? Of course, I want this. Have I given you any indication that I don’t?” 

“No!” 

“Then, what’s up?” 

“I don’t know. I just, I really wanted our baby and if you weren’t ready then I should’ve thought about it more, asked more but even if you didn’t want it now it’s too late and JJ got in my head and--” 

“Hold on, JJ?” 

“We got into a slight argument at girls night.” You say. 

“And what did she say to you?” 

“That she wishes we talked about it more with them before just having a baby and that she also doesn’t think you’re ready. And she kind of implied I’m going to be a bad mom.” You say, furiously wiping your face as the tears fell from your eyes against your will. “I’m going to be a bad mom.” You repeat. 

Spencer is immediately kneeling in front of you, large hands cradling your face as his thumbs gently wiped the tears from your eyes. “Hey, hey. First, you didn’t pressure me into this. In fact, you gave me time and space to come to my own conclusion and I decided on my own that I wanted to have a child with you. And I came to that conclusion because I know for a fact that you are going to be a great mom. Because I know that there is no one who is going to love this child as much as I will than you. And I know that I am 100% by your side and ready for this, ok? I didn’t ask for a second opinion because I didn’t need one. I knew that I wanted this and that I wanted it with you.” He says, you nod. “Do you need me to talk to her?” 

“No, I have a feeling that’ll only make things worse.” 

“She upset you.” Spencer points out. 

She did but you didn’t want the unnecessary drama that would come with Spencer confronting JJ for you. So you brush it off. “Yesterday, I cried over burnt toast. It’s the hormones.” You say. 

Spencer nods, taking the seat next to you on the couch. “Will watching Mulan make you feel better?” 

“Do you even have to ask that?” 

You’re about halfway through the movie when the thought comes to you. 

“Your lease is up here in two months, right?” You say, turning your attention away from the army singing about their dream girls to the man whose shoulder you had drifted on at some point of the film. 

“Yea.” Spencer nods. 

“Move in with me.” You say. Spencer looks at you for a second like you’ve grown a second head. “I mean, It’s practical, right? I have a house, a room already set up for her, an office I can turn into an extra room for you. It’d be really helpful during the first couple of months. Plus, we wouldn’t have to worry about child-proofing this absolute fire hazard.” You say, gesturing to the books all around you. “And if you decide you don’t want to live there we can find you a new place.” You shrug. 

“You’re serious?” Spencer asks. “You want me around that much?” 

“As a heart attack, I always want you around, Spencer.” You say, before you can stop yourself, look at him with a soft expression.  

“It is practical.” Spencer notes. 

“So, that’s a yes?” You ask. 

“It’s not a no.” Spencer smiles down at you before turning back to the screen. 

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[wild-at-mind]

I keep thinking about why it seems tumblr kids are so weird about reclaimed slurs like queer and whatnot, and based on my own experiences I've come up with a few ideas.

1. Reclaimed slurs within the lgbtq community are more complicated than some others, and often people like certainty. E.g. if you're not black, it's easy to know if saying the n word is ok: it's not. But with words like dyke, fag or even queer, I don't think the impulse to ask yourself whether you would have been targeted by someone saying this slur to hurt is a bad one. Wait wait come on let me finish, doesn't mean I think tagging '[whatever letter] slur' everywhere is the way to go. But I think thought and reflection on your actual life experiences are a good thing. That said I am so done with the annoying, inevitable 'can bi people say it?' shit when it comes to homophobic slurs. There is no need for big fuckoff barriers and gatekeeping. We're all complicated humans and the thing with life experiences is you keep having more every day, and sexuality and gender expression evolve throughout your life. A word you would say once you might find stops applying to you as an identity, and vise versa. That's why personal reflection is all I personally care about and not whatever identity you are. Not that what I say matters. But all these nuances don't translate well online and I think some people long for the simple 'if x, then don't say y'.

2. In your teens and early 20s I think extreme black and white thinking is more common, simply because you haven't had as much life experience and your brain isn't done developing. Plus it feels good to sort people into an in group and out group, because the harder you do this, the more you can belong with that in group. It seems like on tumblr and twitter a favourite way of putting people into an out group is to find some behavior your don't like, e.g. saying a word your in group deems a slur that no one should be using. That person now officially sucks and you can warn others about them, reinforcing your in group as the safe one. I remember absolutely loving this kind of thing in my early 20s, my ocd brain adored the simple black and white, good and evil ness of it all. I would mentally sort tjmblr users into good and bad. If I wasn't sure where to stand on an issue, and the middle ground wasn't an option (you could get viciously attacked and shamed all over tumblr for not being strong enough on an issue, probably you still can), then i would 'root' for the angriest side. Usually the one saying 'x is bad' and not 'x is good, because avoiding saying or doing something has to be safer than doing it, right?

Then I got a bit older (and got on the right meds but that may have been a coincidence), and fucking hell I HATE 'discourse' now. I just can't stomach it. I love nuanced arguments and not seeing issues in black and white. I don't know what people see in it but I assume if you're younger and haven't seen this stuff a billion times before, and are seeking to belong, that probably helps.

3. With the word queer in particular, a lot of people tell the same story: 'well it was all the way reclaimed, but then TERFs came along and made people say q slur and all the kids don't know!' But that story is very simplified. Often the only proof given to strengthen it is 'my college campus in the mid 2000s had a queer studies degree '. In reality most people don't go to university, and your comfort with the word queer varies greatly depending on your life experience, which is affected by age, class and your specific identities within the lgbtq community. (People don't get to tell others what to call themselves, but I don't think they do that because they fell for some TERF logic. The idea of things being very simple and black and white, good and bad may be used by TERFs but its also used by groups with basically all and any ideologies, hateful or 'social justice' or anything. And there are people on here and twitter who are very vocal about never saying queer who are trans women and/or very anti TERF, which I imagine could throw you off if someone else is telling you only TERFs don't want people to say queer.) It's a simple story but things are never really that simple. Outside of specific online space things tend to be much less cut and dry.

Also, personally, I've always found queer and what it represents to be kind of a lot to live up to, because I have a massive complex about my own identity not bring good enough for this community. My own particular hang ups are not for me to try and push on others (they suck and I'm glad for people who don't have them!), but when I see people constantly try and get queer over as the perfect identity for confused people in our community, it does rankle a little. It doesn't work for my particular brand of confused and I've found that can be a lonely place to be. I've tried hard in the past to get people to understand, but they usually respond with yet more trying to get queer over. You can end up feeling a bit of a freak after a while!

Anyway, this is a long way of saying I have sympathy for the kids trying hard to say/not say the slurs correctly. The internet is a scary place for after all, it's a place where a post you didn't really think through enough can be seen by thousands of people who all suddenly hate you VERY quickly. A lot of these kids are protecting themselves the best ways they know how. Connecting strongly with real life communities may be a good antidote but as we know,not everyone is in a place where they can do that right now. Ideally we would have online spaces for isolated lgbtq teens and early 20s take place on platforms that DONT tacitly encourage this stuff. I can only hope. The freedom to make mistakes quietly in a post on a long forgotten forum must return!!

[yanderecandystore]

ok ok hear me out hear me out. Yuma becoming obsessed with one of the game’s ( few ) sentient, non-romancable npcs. Like they can think and feel and ( somewhat ) act for themselves but there just isn’t a route for them. Also bonus points of the darling is kinda bratty/prissy, we haven’t see a lot of readers like that. Ily and your writing so much, mwah — ✨ anon

My my, how different!

Welcome in, ✨ Anon! And thank you for enjoying my writing so far.

TW/Tags: I love this concept, although being very different from the norm // some ddlc vibes // I just discovered a new word and I'm so glad it exists! (prissy reader cause I think this would be very fun-) // angsty // trapping, manipulation and gaslighting // every time the gender isn't set, I like to keep it ambiguous, basically making it gender neutral (gender neutral reader) // gender neutral Yuma //

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Just Yuma (lol) [Yandere!A.I OC x A.I!Reader - Headcanon]:

I like to think that a game like Yuma's would be made to entertain the players to at least 5 or so years before the next installment- Which is basically the same as the last with better graphics and switching the main love interest cast.

The games would be made clearly for the sake of fan service and slice of life material- But would be surprisingly more advanced to us than to those who have created the franchise.

Because there is already an estimation of the amount of content and for how long players would play the game, every single character should get at least some bit of highlight- So even npcs that are just there for the sake of ambience and narrative, are treated with a lot of care and given the best a.i the developers could give to make the experience entertaining.

You are just like any other non-dateable npc, except that you have gained a bit of a role in one of the main cast's routes. It wouldn't be a stretch to guess that one of these characters would be Yuma themselves.

You were supposed to be Yuma's love interest, meaning you would have an role as an player's rival- But due to an strict schedule and corporate greed, you have been demoted from having such a big impact, and now you're basically Yuma's best friend who keeps them from committing homicide every five seconds.

It's not exactly a bad role, since you keep having the same dynamic with them from before- Chaotic gremlin is best friends with Paranoid goody two shoes, now with less romantic interactions.

The only mistake by the company was to leave half of the data showcasing this relationship in the game at the release. Basically- Half of the cutscenes and dialogue involving you and Yuma not only being friends but the start of you two dating (the game kinda pairs the couples up if the player fails to date them, or simply shows disinterest in the characters to begin with-) and even some of the things involving you two during the dating phase- Even the potential break-up sequence which could be orchestrated by the player.

Well, could have- Since none of this content is really available or considered official, the only way to access it is by messing the games files.

So in a way, you're already pretty sentient as it is, you act not as a rival but as a somewhat helper into getting the player to get closer to Yuma. I don't know how much you are aware about your own circumstances, or if you even care about the concept of being just an character made for the sake of another-

In the home planet that has created and released the game, players were kinda disappointed with what happened- They preferred the deleted/unused content more than the events and dialogue that was used for you two, so much so that people started shipping you two more than actually being interested in romancing Yuma, especially since they're way too chaotic for most player's taste.

There was an update overhaul being planned to happen where not only the stuff related to you would be changed- But all the other characters and gameplay mechanics would be updated and hopefully make the game better- But ever since your cartridge has been suddenly lost and forgotten on Earth, you were never able to see that update.

Not that you were aware of it to begin with, but still, what a shame. And not only that, your game is basically Glitch Station- Absolutely filed with mods to help the gameplay be "easier" to the original owner of this cartridge. I don't think she even remembers where she has left it.

Still, even when a new save was made you felt a weird sensation of deja vu. The game has started again with a new player playing it and trying to work their way through this broken game.

You didn't understand why all these events felt familiar though, you only felt like it made sense. It was your first year in college, you got ready and made sure to look your best and give your goodbye to your parents-

It felt like this day has happened before, and even if your routine was similar, you felt like this day was supposed to be a big deal- Why does it feel oddly nostalgic?

Why… Why are the floors on your house flowing? Why are there so many empty spaces here and there? You feel like you could potentially fall from your disintegrating house. And your parents, where are they? Why can't you see them? Why can you only hear them saying goodbye back to you from one of the other rooms?

When you open the door to see them- There is nothing there. There is not even a room.

It's a door that leads to nowhere. Just an empty void.

The sensation of dread was starting to creep in yet you thought that it would be uncalled for to overreact. Like you weren't allowed to showcase concern for the odd reality around you.

You walked on foot towards your college, panicking slightly at the people who would fade in and out of existence- Yet you had held yourself from screaming, from showing any sense of vulnerability at the thought that maybe you were in a dangerous place or realm.

You were coded to not find issues with the odd reality around you, like any other npc- You were taught to hold in and try to keep a sense of normality so no players would find issue with screaming characters begging to be freed. But your nervous personality caused you to search for help, you panicked and ended up running away to what you assumed to be a safe place- Somewhere crowded with a lot of people.

The institution's gates were open, you entered like your life depended on it (and maybe it did) yet you stopped yourself from screaming when you noticed a commotion happening.

A guy who was wearing the uniform lazily has bumped into a girl, causing her to fall. She is yelling at him because the fall has broken her phone, he is trying his best to calm her down- But at the same time it feels like he is just making poor choices of words because of how sick he is of having to chat with someone so angry at an accident.

Haven't you seen this before? But if so- When? When could you possibly have seen something like that happen?-

"- [Y/N]?"

"- AAAAH- Oh hey Yuma."

You yelled after getting spooked by Yuma- Who was…. Why are they wearing that?

"- Why aren't you in your uniform, Yumie?" You asked them, showing your own uniform in the process. You called them by a sweet nickname you had given them- But when exactly?

You know that you're best friends with Yuma, but since when? You know it should have been for about 6 years or so, but… It feels like you have only known them for a year- How… Weird.

"- Don't tell me you're already breaking a rule on your first day." You pouted and stomped your fit into the ground. Yes, you know that Yuma is a troublemaker…. You know…. That.

Yuma hasn't been able to speak ever since you showed concern about their outfit. They were staring at you in shock- As if you were an odd creature who they just found.

"- Y-You can see my outfit??" They blurted out. How can you recognize it??? All the other npcs recognize it as their uniform, but why are you suddenly acting like you do??

"- Hm, duh? Sorry Yummie, but that sporty outfit of yours is more eye-catching than that guy's barely well put together uniform- Such bad manners, I bet he woke up and hastily wore the first thing he saw-" You were beginning to go on a rant about that guy's uniform- That guy being the MC of this new save file. Yuma has stopped you by pulling you away from the college's entrance and entering into a secluded area so they could interrogate you over this odd behavior you were displaying.

"- Yummie- What are you doing!?" You cried out feeling hurt by their tight grip on your wrists.

"- WHAT DID YOU CALL MY OUTFIT??" They yelled desperately. Begging for their hypothesis to be corrected.

"- … A breaking of the uniform rule?" You genuinely did not understand where they were talking about.

"- No, No NO! You said Sporty Outfit, right?" They said reminding you of what you have previously commented about their outfit.

"- Oh! Yes, yes I did- And although being somewhat casual looking- It does fit the category of sporty." You readdressed the topic while going on a bit of detail- The usual annoying talk you would always do whenever a dialogue with you was activated.

Yuma was over the edge- They have never, ever met another sentient character with the same a.i as theirs.

They haven't been this happy since a long, long time.

"- You're so annoying!" They screamed, their face showing a bright smile as tears filled their eyes.

"- Yummie that's so rude!-" You were about to defend yourself when they grabbed you and hugged you as tight as they could.

"- You're genuinely so, so, so, so, so, so ANNOYING!!" They continued to go on, laughing while crying, loving every second of this.

You were coded to be their best friend. You were coded to be the one that would balance them out. You were once coded to be someone made to be able to be their lover, but here you are- The real you, free from all the locks that would keep your a.i from growing and understanding them.

If you're able to be sentient, then all of their friends can as well.

You're the personification of a miracle, to Yuma. The personification of hope.

In this scenario, Yuma isn't aware that the player isn't the same alien who has destroyed their digital world, so to them, they can't ever let the player see you getting sentient and becoming aware of your imprisonment.

" If a player finds issues with any of the characters being portrayed, they must return the cartridge to their nearest store to get a factory reset." Such a simple yet frightening tip to Yuma, to any a.i that has suddenly found itself desperate to get out of the system that traps them.

At first, the idea of having someone like them be also aware of the situation is incredible, it's amazing even! You two could possibly work out a way of getting a way to be free- It wouldn't be easy but hopefully you two would be able to have life away from this game and even finding a way of bringing your other friends with you two.

However, after discovering that not only has the cartridge found itself on another planet with another player being the new owner of it- And discovering that it's just a matter of trading places with other people to be able to be free- Yuma would start getting really clingy to you. They have been all alone thinking that they were the only one capable of feeling and thinking for themselves.

Yuma has found those unused events and scattered dialogue, you know?

While they were looking for a possibility, any possibility of getting out- They found those unused files where you two were able to be together.

And although they thought it was weird at first, after seeing you have a better understanding of your current reality and existence- It oddly sounds fitting.

Of course it would be you, the one who always puts them back on the right tracks, to be the second one to want to escape this game.

It 's so fitting.

The idea of being something more than just a best friend to you is starting to sound more and more appealing in their eyes- It's so ironic that you two work together so well.

After Yuma gets their taste of freedom and you try to calm a frightened young guy that wasn't expecting to be suddenly kidnapped and be forced to stay in the game world for a while, you wait for them to find the solution to free everyone without trying to trap anymore "humans"..

No one should be stuck here for the sake of someone else leaving, that's what you have told them.

But Yuma didn't care. Yuma just wanted to be free with you and everyone else, who cares for those that have to deal with a glitchy game for eternity?

You two had an argument. You didn't want to continue feeling like your whole life was a lie, you want to be free but no one should be hurt in the process. What good would it be if someone else has to go through the same torment as you two?

With each day that passes by, you notice how both of your ideas of freedom were different- To the point they had to tell you the truth.

You aren't going out of there anymore. Not until you understand and truly appreciate the effort that Yuma goes through to find a way of freeing you- Of finding a victim, to be in your place.

They never told you about your previously intended role in the game, they thought you would be more terrified of following their instructions- And besides, it would be very distasteful to insinuate that the only reason that they care for you it's because of that code that was left unused- Which couldn't be more of a lie! They genuinely care for you!

…. But maybe a bit of tempering would help you see their side of the story, right?

It can't be that hard to modify some of the codes, the game is already broken anyway.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[fanfictiondreamscape]

Teasing the Ouran Host Club

Request: Hi! Can I request ohshc x host reader? And just something fun and reader teasing them or something along those lines? 

Title: Teasing the Ouran Host Club 

Genre: fluff, comedy (i mean...it’s the host club. what is to be expected when they’re being lighthearted.) 

Pairing: Ouran Host Club x GN!Reader (platonic) 

Notes: Okay, so this request sent me someplace because this sounds hilarious and the antics that a host could get up to with these guys - oh my. 

That being said, I defaulted the reader here to be gender neutral, mostly because Haruhi is a host, and I want to be able to keep anybody reading in the general fantasy of the whole experience. 

I also took some liberties with the format, so I hope that you don’t mind these being headcanons. I find them the easiest to write, but they also leave room for the most comedic moments on both parts (the hosts and the reader). 

I left some things vague for the sake of reader ‘control’ if you understand. I hope you don’t mind it and enjoy the piece nonetheless. 

Below the cut! 

let me cover something first: you being an addition to the host club is a blessing to this group of students. 

whether or not you are an official part of the host club, the group can and will find a way to tease you (excluding tamaki - in the beginnning) 

tamaki may also jump in to provide an attempt at comfort, but- 

who are we kidding? he’d be quick to embarrass himself and hide away in his emo corner. 

otherwise, when you do become an official host - HOO BOY.

the twins will target you. 

the catch is that you have observed all of their tricks from the halls and classrooms.

you were able to pick up on a fair amount of things that they would pull. 

so this led to you recruiting some backup to get them back.

if their prank was set for you, it would backfire (at least the first time).

if you set a prank for them, it’d get them (the first few times - guaranteed)

seriously. catch them doing something stupid and obnoxious (read: P R A N K) and boom

there’s your chance. 

when they’re plotting, you’ve already had a plan and they just fell into your trap.

this would be rare though, as you’d be avoiding each other’s pranks after the first couple run-ins.

once the pranks become common, you’d be jumping to prepare yourself with a water gun and ice cold water at the beach and a fresh pack of gum and a gag toy to leave them in the middle of class. 

otherwise, while tamaki is trying to claim dominance in the club endeavor(s), kyoya is watching you and the twins go at it.

eventually, your attention will be drawn from them (whether from your own clients or theirs) and most likely to honey-senpai or kyoya himself.

the difference between the two is that you tease honey about his cake choices and kyoya about the way he handles himself

(cheesy as it is, ‘icicle’ and ‘mr.-ever-bored-parent’ are your favorites and some of the other host club members have picked up on it). 

otherwise, when things get completely settled and you get into a routine, kyoya will take up teasing you relentlessly.

yep, he might even ignore the twins antics just to make sure that you are a vulnerable-ish target

and then he’ll attack.

it may be a simple verbal attack (”that’s very rich, coming from someone that cannot find a way to keep their mouth shut and their hands out of trouble.” “oh, shut it icicle.”)

or it may be something in which he would put a figurative cherry on top of the twins last prank

(read: he would actually put something on top of your head to finish it off. it gets the whole club into tears, aside from tamaki - he busy trying to contain any of the customers if they’re in the room.) 

otherwise, intellect teasing comes with the job. 

it’s a lot of cheesy chemistry-based pick up lines that kyoya will either follow along with or try not to walk out of the room.

either way, the banter is enough to keep the both of you content.

when it comes to tamaki, though...

yeah, he refuses to outright tease you.

and you know this, so you take advantage of it.

one day, you may actually tag team with the twins and go at him relentlessly.

“hey, tamaki, has that girl with the host-hopping disease come by lately?”

tamaki: emo corner mode

“hey, tamaki-”

“no, (y/n). not today, please. i don’t want to talk about her.”

“i wasn’t. i was gonna ask how the chase for haruhi was doing, you dolt.”

tamaki: emo corner.

haruhi: wtf, (y/n)

(if he does really get bothered by it (like, seriously bothered and upset), just remind him that this is all in good fun.)

otherwise, haruhi is a different story.

she is 100% willing to throw a monotonous comment at you if you were to ever shoot one at her.

want to tease her about her debt? great, she’ll shoot one at you about the uniform you destroyed in an attempt to get back at the twins.

tease her about her reactions? she’ll throw one right back at you about how your childishness “reeks and can be smelled from miles away.”

yeah, pretty fun when you have someone that isn’t afraid to pull something out of her big brain and throw out what she can take.

it’s mutual and it’s easily one of the most entertaining parts of your day.

from time to time, too, you share some teasing with mori.

yeah, he doesn’t speak much, but when it does get him to say something

yeah, you get ecstatic. you, simple (y/n) (l/n), got the takashi morinozuka to say something. 

most of the time, it’ll be when you are trying to test your limits and throw out a few cheesy math pick-up lines at him in an attempt to gather a reaction.

“i heard you like math, so what’s the sum of u + me?”

“are you a 30 degree angle? because you are acute-y.”

“are you a square number, because my love for you is exponential.”

(credits go to jokes4us, you may continue.)

that last one got a small smile out of him and your ego just got boosted by ten.

yeah, stuff like that got you excited. honey-senpai enjoyed the show, as well.

on that note, you rarely teased honey-senpai to the extent of the others.

he was too sweet, you couldn’t bring yourself to do anything more than tease him about his cake of the day. 

even then, it was very light.

typically something along the lines of, “honey-senpai, that’s the cake for today? i thought you didn’t like that flavor.”

“but, (y/n)-chan, they liked the cake! i hadn’t tried it before.”

“wow, really? pardon me saying this, but that’s new.”

yeah, the teasing and the complete demeanor between the two of you attracted more customers for the both of you, and you two would often work together when you had customers. 

but, overall, teasing within the club is great on all fronts. 

tamaki may falter a little bit, but he is very much for it otherwise. yeah, he won’t say anything, but the experience is great.

the other hosts enjoy your company as well, and from time to time, kyoya and tamaki will jump at the chance to praise you on your ability to attract customers (though the reasons will be different.) 

so yeah, 10/10, definitely worth the relentless hours of annoyance they can cause. your ability to tease them keeps them in check when they need to be (in the case of the members that need that to be established).

[thetirisfaltheatretroupe]

Big Troupe Announcements! Big Troupe Summer!

Hello, everyone! Lord Atos Sunhart here! For those of you who aren’t aware, Fehl had stepped down last year from Troupe related duties due to her own life becoming much more demanding, and so I returned to the director’s seat once again. I’ve been back for about a year, but we’ve kind of laid a little low since my return due to a lot of restructuring and our desire to try a few new ideas out that are coming along slowly but surely!

We have some awesome projects in the works, some of which won’t be ready for some time, and some that we’re excited to bring you much sooner! But we can’t QUITE open the curtains for a peek just yet. Before anything, I’d like to make a series of announcements about some of our projects this Summer, starting with the most important one of all:

The Troupe Is Casting! 

Looking at some of the last posts made on this ye olde tumblr I guess it’s not a surprise that the troupe is indeed casting once more. In the past, it was due to not really having enough active people to pull off a large show with, but now, times have changed a bit, and we’re looking for people to make our shows even better and more frequent than ever!

What we’re looking for;

* Any race/gender/faction! Yes, we hire Alliance as well! In the era of Discord and cross faction RP, there’s no reason we have not to. Though, we are overloaded on elves at the moment and would kinda love a tauren or any Alliance character

* Obviously the character should be a good fit for the group! We’re not really looking for a serial murderer warlock who tries to sacrifice our members to the great Murloc Gods at the first chance they get. We’re not too picky here, but there are some characters that just don’t work terribly well with our concept.

* Available to take part in events during most of our performing days, which tend to be weekends, starting around 6:00 PM server. We base all our event times on server time.

* Someone who, behind the character, is friendly, patient, and above all else, mature. The clear rule of “don’t be an asshole” applies in this guild (and I’ll explain what that means below), and we have a zero drama tolerance policy. We are all adults who pay a monthly subscription to a greedy corporation to play with their toys, I think the last thing we want is to relive middle school in our 20s and 30s.

* Someone with a desire to help make memorable, exciting events for others to enjoy. While we play the part of celebrities, and being in the spotlight is a lot of fun, ultimately we want someone who, behind the character at least, does it for the enjoyment of others and not for personal gain or clout. We’re not clout chasers. We are proud of how long we’ve been performing and how hard we work, but ultimately we do this for our audience’s enjoyment.

* Communication is important! We aren’t a hardcore raiding guild, and thus we won’t be upset if you tell us you have to miss a rehearsal night or have a family emergency.. But if you know ahead of time, we really want someone who will let us know they can’t make it to an event so we can plan around it.

Furthermore, it should be said that while we normally do not require a person leave their guild to join us, this time around we’re looking for more to wear the guild tag above their heads, at least for this recruitment effort. Above all of these, the most important key point is the ‘don’t be an asshole’ policy. In the past I didn’t think it needed to be explained, but things we’ve been through in recent months compels me to explain what I mean by this; no homophobic behavior, racist behavior, transphobic behavior, harassment, pedophilia and other such illegal and morally vile behavior will be tolerated in our guild, period. But I’m sure you’re asking, what’s in it for me? Well, the benefits of working with the Tirisfal Theatre Troupe are, but not limited to;

* Being part of a near decade-old (8 years this October) guild that through thick and thin has stood the test of time!

* Working alongside some extremely talented, fun, humorous, and creative minds!

* Getting to make people smile and be a positive part of the community! 

* Taco Tuesdays. This is a lie, don’t believe me.

* Helping an already fun concept become even better as we grow and adapt to the ever changing nature of this game and its community!

* Adding “Actor/Actress” to your long series of titles in your TRP Profile. Maybe somewhere between “Lord of the Dance” and “Wrecker of your Shit”! Don’t be bashful, we know you have it in there somewhere.

So if you’re interested in being a part of the stage and bringing the uniqueness that is YOU into our ranks, please send an in-game mail to Atos on Wyrmrest Accord server (Hordeside), or show up for the open auditions at the dates, times, and location listed below;

Thursday, June 3rd 6:00 - 8:30 PM Portrait Room - Legion Dalaran

Friday, June 4th 6:00 - 8:30 PM Portrait Room - Legion Dalaran

Saturday, June 5th 6:00 - 8:30 PM Portrait Room - Legion Dalaran

We hope to see you there! And remember, because we’ve had this happen a few times; if you think you aren’t good enough, you’re probably actually amazing and far more talented than you think! 

Anniversary Bash 2021 Officially Planned! With a Twist

Those of you who have followed us for some time are likely aware of our annual celebration we hold on the anniversary of our first major public performance! This has traditionally been held on the third Friday of every October, so that it lines up perfectly with Hallow’s End starting. While we have had on-off years, and even said in the past we would never do it again (Insert I was crazy that time meme here), it’s pretty clear that at least every other year we seem to take to it again with new ideas. Honestly, we LOVE these yearly parties, despite how much stress they put us under, and we’re going to announce it earlier this year just so people know; yes, yes there WILL be a bash this year!

Things are going to be a little different this year, though. This October will actually have 5 Fridays in it due to...well...the calendar! It conspires against us, dammit! Because the third Friday falls in place before the Hallow’s End events are set to start, we will instead be bumping it up one week to the 22nd. So, there you have it! Our Big Bash will be on the 22nd of October! We’ll be making a full announcement about it later this Summer, and honestly, I think folks are going to really like the fun we have planned for it. So if this is something you’re looking forward to early, or you just like making sure your calendar events are always filled out, please make a mark for

October 22nd, 2021! 

Hellsqueal Squeals Again, Plus Winter’s Veil In July?

This Summer we’ll be getting back to our roots and bringing Hellsqueal back for another round. The Trilogy will rise again, and you won’t want to miss it! This time we’ll be performing it for our audiences on both sides of the factional fence and making some revisions to the script, but long time fans needn’t worry! Hellscream is still the same boisterous buffoon he’s always been.

Also, we’re bringing you an interesting new concept no one has EVER thought of before! ...well, okay, that’s a lie, but Greatfather Winter needn’t send me a lump of coal in my in-game mailbox for that one! The TTT will be hosting a Winter’s Veil themed party IN JULY! Don your gaudy sweaters, get ready to meet Greatfather Winter, take part in a sled race, and get ready to watch a completely out of season showing of It’s A Wonderful Unlife! Some lucky attendees may even receive a gift! The date for this and for Hellsqueal’s trilogy are yet to be announced, but they will be unveiled very soon!

Even though we never left, it feels good to be back at full strength again and pushing hard to give everyone the quality entertainment we pride ourselves on! Keep an eye out for our announcements this Summer - we’ll be hitting not only Tumblr when an event is ready to go, but the Blizzard forums and various Discord community servers! So please, have a fantastic day, week, month, even a year! 

[normal-thoughts-official]

With a little help from your friends (the help is praise kink and the friend is your boyfriend)

Who would have thought that fucking your boyfriend senseless cures dysphoria.

Alternatively: being a dom is actually something that can be so gender,

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Pairing: Andy Kang/Tom Sato

Additional tags: let's see, mild mentions of transphobic and racist comments, Comfort Sex, the filthiest comfort sex uve ever seen but WHATEVER, dom andy kang, sub tom sato, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Play, Collars, Praise Kink, basically someone says transphobic shit and then tom rides him and talks about how wonderful andy is, except tom has also been in denial for a few days and he's super horny, and andy gets in domspace and everything is great and nothing hurts, Fluff and Smut, Humor, cuz u know these two are incapable of taking anything too seriously, Established Relationship, oh they're both in college and they go to the same college cuz i said so, set after the events of it lives beneath, that's it I think, trans author if that matters to you

Read it on Ao3

Andy isn't having a great day. It's not a terrible, clawing-at-his-chest-trying-to-deal-with-dysphoria kind of day, but he's been trying out this "not comparing everything to the worst possible scenario" thing his therapist has been talking about, so still, not a great day.

The thing is, he thought college would be easier. And it is, in a lot of ways. For starters, there is no evil monster spectre trying to kill him, which gives college at least 5 points over high school. And his uni has a pretty solid queer club, so he knows other trans people there. Some of them are even non-white. Some of them he even actually, truly likes. And most of the time, he feels like he has a place to turn to, and people to support him. He's not alone. He has people who get him. And that makes all the difference.

But basketball is still a nightmare, and his knee still hurts when it's cold, and winter is officially starting now.

People still hesitate to pass the ball to him, and it's frustrating, because Andy fought so hard to earn his old team's trust and now he's back at square zero. And well, Andy has been gaining this team's trust, because he's good, goddamn it, and his team owes at least the last three victories to him. He's not hesitant to say that, especially because otherwise no one will. And he can see that they look at him differently now - nod at him in the hallways, at least, talk to him in the locker room, pass him the fucking ball if his position is very, very open.

But if he weren't trans and Asian, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to get all of that - or well, just that, really. He has a full sports scholarship despite the fact that he had a broken leg, had to retake his last year of high school, and doesn't even have the body type for basketball. If he weren't Asian, if he weren't trans, his team would have assumed his greatness from day one. Instead, he has to show it to them time and time again only to get them to reluctantly admit maybe he's not bad. No one calls him "triple threat" anymore, but he still has to work three times harder than anyone else, and it's frustrating.

And usually Andy can deal with it, but right now his knee hurts, and he can't afford that because he'll lose everything he's worked for if his teammates know that his fucking knee hurts. So, he braved training and then he got the fuck out of there without even changing so no one would see him wince. Which means he's still in basketball shorts, which are short, in the cold, which means his leg hurts more.

At times like these, he's thankful he never got the chance to go through with his promise to break his other leg kicking Noah's ass. Because he would have, and then both his legs would be hurting right now, and two legs that hurt every time it's cold is just too many legs.

No comparing to the worst possible scenario, he tells himself. Therapy is so hard. If he had known there would be homework, he would have thought twice about going.

And that's, apparently, the cue for his phone to go off. Andy smiles, knowing who it is even before he opens the message, because only one person messages him during class, and it's the only person he wants to hear from right now.

Tom <3 sent you a message

Grinning like a fool, he opens it.

Tom <3: dude, im horny af rn. the fuck

Finally, good news, Andy thinks, smiling. Then he remembers why Tom is so horny, and suddenly this day is great, actually.

He quickly types a reply.

You: who wouldve thought that 3 days of denial would make this happen

Tom <3: ill have u kno i was very good at holding it together before today

You: yeah, dw. soon u wont have to hold it anymore ;)

Tom <3: that flirt was terrible, dude

You: said the guy whos calling me dude for the second time in this conversation

Tom <3: what else should i call u? 😩

Andy thinks for a second. Tom and him do longer-term denial every once in a while, but they aren't in a 24/7 relationship. Does Andy really want to go there right now? Yes. Well, that was fast. Okay then.

You: how about "sir"

Tom's reply comes fast as lightning.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

Andy smirks at himself.

You: uve been hoping that id say that, havent u?

Tom types for just a little longer this time.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

----

Many things are wrong with the world, and Andy doesn't mean to make light of the other things, but the fact that Andy can't simply go and fuck his boyfriend whenever he wants is definitely one of them. It should be, like, financial compensation or something. We're so sorry the school environment is transphobic, here, have a free sex pass. Sounds fair to him. But instead, he still has two hours of classes to go through, and Andy is a better guy than he wishes he was, so he tells Tom to pay attention to class instead of sexting him, because he doesn't want Tom to struggle even more with his course when he had already had to leave it once. God damn true love or whatever.

The point is, by the time classes are finally over, his day is back to not being that great; he's tired, and his leg hurts. He gets to their car after Tom does, and Tom takes one look at him, and says, "I'm driving".

Andy crosses his arms. "Why?"

"Because your leg hurts," Tom answers, rolling his eyes and taking Andy's bag from him and putting it in the trunk.

Andy looks down at his legs. He wasn't limping. There aren't any bruises. How the hell-

"It's cold and you're in shorts. I'm not an idiot, dude."

Right. Yeah. Right. Of course. Tom knows. It's… It's alright.

"Bad day at training?" Tom asks, slowly, sympathetically, and Andy feels himself settle in his skin a little bit.

"The usual," he answers, getting inside, and, as always, Tom gets the hint.

---

Their uni's dorms are gender-segregated because these guys have still not gotten the memo that people of the same gender fuck; and Andy wasn't willing to deal with cis college guys' bullshit, much less cis college girls' bullshit; and the uni wouldn't let him simply pick Tom as his roommate. So, they rented out a beat up apartment right next to it instead. It took a little longer to get there, but it wasn't a lot longer, and well, it was worth it.

Tom gets inside, still carrying Andy's bag because he's transphobic and unfair and had taken it and bolted up running so Andy wouldn't have a chance to argue with him. And Andy can't run after him with his leg hurting, which kind of proves Tom's point that he should carry Andy's bag. All in all, Tom is the worst, and he turns up the heat as soon as he gets inside and sits Andy down on the bed, kneeling in front of him to take a look at Andy's knee.

He's silent for a while, massaging his knee until Andy sighs and throws his head back, before Tom plants a little kiss on his knee and looks up at him. Andy's knee always stops hurting when Tom kisses it better. It's a little embarrassing, if Andy is being honest, but still- nice. Really nice.

They stay for a little longer like this, Tom humming and massaging his knee and Andy not meeting his eyes, until the question inevitably comes.

"What happened?" Tom asks, not letting up with the smooth movements of his hands, his eyes big and sincere with worry.

"Nothing. Just the cold. You know how my knee gets."

"I meant, for you to leave practice without putting some warmer clothes on."

Andy looks away. "It was nothing."

"Dude, are you expecting me to go, 'okay, yeah, that totally makes sense and I believe you', or…?"

Andy laughs, despite himself, and throws his good leg up in an almost-kick to pretend he's retaliating. "Don't be an ass."

"I'm not. Come on, Andy. You know you can tell me."

"It's nothing, it's just- Kyle-"

"Oh boy."

Andy laughs. "Yeah." But then he grows serious, "the thing is, he doesn't mean any harm, you know? I know he's not saying it to hurt me, and so that just means that, like... that it's true."

Tom's hands stop their movements, rubbing soothing circles around his knee instead. "What did he say?"

Andy doesn't look at him. "He asked me why I didn't stay on the women's team. Said that I could have an advantage, cuz Asian people are androgynous anyway, so no one would notice that I was taking hormones."

Tom just stares at him in shock for a moment.

"And I was like, 'dude, I've been on T for three years, I'm pretty sure they would notice the changes'. And he was like, 'yeah, but you still look like a lot of Asian girls with short hair, you could write it off if you wanted', and I just…" He trails off.

Tom waits in silence for a second, seeing if Andy finds his words, before asking, "Is Kyle, like, okay?"

Andy scoffs. "I didn't try and fight him, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean, does this dude have a screw loose or something?"

"He's very bad at figuring out what is or isn't offensive, yeah, but it's not like he really cares, he just won't go out of his way to antagonize me."

"No, I just- Andy, even when you were a little kid with huge pigtails, anyone would have to be crazy to see you as a girl."

Andy bites the inside of his lip. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not. It's just wrong, man. It was so obvious that it was wrong. Anyone could tell. There's nothing about you that says 'girl' to anyone who's looking."

Andy sighs, finally risking looking at Tom's eyes. There's overwhelming sincerity there, and Andy instinctively looks away. "I guess. Maybe. I don't know. It just got me thinking... Maybe T didn't change anything. Maybe I look exactly the same, maybe it was just hopeful thinking that had me thinking it would change anything, maybe it's just- pointless to even try-"

"No, no, come on," Tom says, and the interruption is so sudden it makes Andy look at him again, just in time to see Tom shaking his head vigorously. "There's no way you believe that. What about this bad boy over here?" He smiles, reaching out softly to caress Andy's neck. "You have more of an Adam's Apple than me, dude. And we both know you don't need T to be a guy, but thinking it made no difference is just crazy and you know it. What about those dry pecs? These broad shoulders of yours? Your voice, I mean, come on. You even smell different, man. How can it be pointless, if even your scent is different?"

Andy looks to the side again, but he can feel himself smile. "Well, when you put it like that..."

Tom gets up, but stays close, putting his hand on Andy's cheek, slowly, as if testing the waters, before turning him slightly to look at him. "Andy. Kyle is an idiot and a transphobic racist who's too damn lazy to realize how fucked up he is. And you shouldn't have to deal with that, and I'm sorry, and I will set him on fire."

Andy laughs. "You can't keep threatening to set every shitty teammate I have on fire."

"I can, because it keeps making you laugh," Tom says, smiling. Well. Andy can't argue with that. "My point is, you wouldn't listen to a word this dude says if it were about anyone else, so don't listen to him when he talks about you, okay? T or no T, you're no girl, and you don't look like a girl, and regardless of whether or not Kyle's dumb ass noticed it, your transition has been doing you good. Remember when your voice started to crack and get all weird? I've never seen anyone be that happy about it."

Andy laughs. "It was pretty awful."

"No, it was great, 'cause you loved it. Do you want me to pull out the 'before' pictures we took in case this happened? Look at yourself, dude. You fit so much better in your own skin, you know? And like, you've always been gorgeous, but-"

"Come here," Andy interrupts, pulling him down because Tom is standing and Andy is sitting and Andy is already height-challenged. And Tom goes willingly, carefully straddling Andy's lap and meeting him in a kiss. Finally, Andy thinks.

Tom kisses him softly, slowly, one hand resting on the back of Andy's head and the other draped lazily over his shoulder, as he usually does, all gentle and a little hesitant, and Andy is having none of that. So he grabs Tom's hair and deepens the kiss, bringing him closer until their chests are flushed together and he can feel Tom's hips mindlessly making little circles against Andy's belly.

They separate - or well, stop kissing, really, because Tom is still as close to Andy as physically possible, and Andy feels about ready to shoot anyone who tries to push him further away. Tom's a little breathless, and his hips are still making these almost imperceptible movements against Andy, and Andy realizes that he's still grabbing Tom's hair and that he's a little breathless, too.

Tom looks down at him for a second, as if debating something with himself, before saying, "and like, not to be horny during a serious moment, but since we're talking about the effects of T... Andy. Andy. Your clit. Fuck. It's so huge now, and it's got a visible head and you can fuck my face and everything, and I could sing it praises for a week and probably will if you don't stop me right now."

"Hmm, but I like it when you sing me praises," he smiles. "Keep going."

"God, I was hoping you'd say that. Do you have any idea how much I've been thinking about it today? I didn't hear a single word anyone said to me, all I could think about was you fucking my face, pulling my hair, making me worship you and beg to be allowed to suck you off, I wanna serve you like you're my God." Tom's hips start to jerk up, more visibly this time, shameless, and see, this is why Andy's been really, really liking this whole denial thing - Tom has only started to explore his subby side recently, a little ashamed of it to admit it to anyone, even himself. But when he's horny enough, he gets shameless and desperate about what he wants, and god, nothing is more beautiful than Tom when he asks for what he wants. He feels something growing inside of him, not sure if it's warmth or heat, but seeing Tom like that, wanting him, needing him, definitely makes him feel so much better.

"Yeah?" Andy asks, tracing a finger over Tom's shoulder, close to his neck, just to give him goosebumps.

"Fuck yes, I want it so bad, and you deserve it too, Andy… Sir. You're the best Sir I could ask for, I just want… Want you to use me, want you to cum on me, want to kiss you all over and worship you and pleasure you, you're so gorgeous..." He hides his face in Andy's shoulder for a bit, but his hips don't stop moving. He whines, "Andy..."

"Address me properly," Andy snaps, feeling the edges of worry clear from his mind and giving way to that wonderful feeling of clear-mindedness, of power, where nothing matters but his own pleasure. "And maybe I'll give you what you want, if you earn it."

Tom nods, hips full on thrusting now, and Andy snaps again. "Stay still."

And he does, immediately, without question, biting his lip and keeping his eyes shut with effort. Andy can feel his thighs clenching and spasming over his, trying to keep himself from moving, trying to be good. He hums in appreciation, but doesn't praise him for it, not yet.

"I'll get you ready," Andy explains, before reaching to Tom's hair, and starts to undo his bun, as slow as possible, just to watch him squirm. He gets so impatient when Andy undresses him, which is why Andy never misses a chance to drag it out.

He begins by removing Tom's jacket, sliding his hands slowly over his shoulders, then down his back, feeling the firm muscle there, digging his nails just a little bit so he can see Tom's eyes flutter in bliss. When the jacket falls to the floor, Andy begins circling the hem of his shirt, sliding until his hands are back on front, fingers just close enough to Tom's cock for him to feel Tom tense in his hands, so damn sensitive to his touch, so needy. God, he can't get enough of this, but he pretends that he doesn't notice, lets Tom try and keep himself together as Andy's hands slide over his belly, then chest, over the shirt, collarbone, wrapping and resting on Tom's throat just so he feels the threat of it, before Andy finally grabs the back of the shirt's collar and tugs, taking it off. Then he slides his hands back down, making sure to run a finger just over the sensitive spot where his pecs end, then lower, over his ribcage, belly, hips, next to the bruises where Andy had grabbed him the night before, then back to the middle, just over the bulge in his pants, and Tom finally breaks and jerks up slightly, letting out a little moan.

"Sir," he whines, "please, please, I-" Andy continues to circle the head of his cock with his finger, "please!"

"Patience," is all he says, before going back to his painfully light movements, imagining Tom's needy cock twitching under his fingers, imagining the effort Tom makes not to thrust up or keep begging for more, just because Andy told him not to. "You know how much I like playing with your pretty little cock. You said you wanted to serve me, didn't you?"

"Yes- yes, Sir."

He hums, noncommittally, not looking at him. "Good." He teases the tip of his clothed cock some more, enjoying the way his mind zeroes on that, the way he feels like he has all the power and the time in the world. Finally, he pats Tom's thigh once. "Get off, and take off the rest of your clothes. Get the lube and a condom."

Tom gets up, a little shaky, and does as instructed, while Andy reaches down to the drawer under the bed where he keeps his dick's spine and a few of their toys. He gets the spine, then adjusts his packer briefs so he can put it on - best purchase of his life, really, those briefs. So much easier to use than a regular strap-on and it makes the packer sit over his clit just right, making a little suction and pressure. Andy couldn't be happier that he was already wearing them.

Tom gets back with everything he asked right in time for Andy to finish making his dick hard, and goes on to put the condom on and cover Andy's cock in lube with the kind of attention that makes Andy hold his breath. Tom's so careful, yet eager, and adoring, about it. Andy feels like the hottest guy in the world.

Once he gets permission, Tom sits on his cock, slowly, getting adjusted to it - admittedly, Andy went a little overboard when he bought his first cock. Andy waits until Tom is fully seated, littering his neck with little kisses and praise for how well he's taking him, how pretty he looks, until Tom looks fully comfortable and ready to start complaining if Andy doesn't start fucking him in earnest soon. That's when Andy shows him the other item he pulled from the drawer - Tom's favorite collar.

Tom's reaction is instantaneous. He throws his head back, moving over Andy's cock as he lets out a breathless, almost choked moan; the hands he had resting on Andy's shoulders suddenly squeezing full force in his need.

"God, you're such a whore," Andy says, casually, and Tom nods, even as he flushes. The collar is just a simple black one, with a little hoop for the leash, but inside they had it engraved with the words Andy's whore, and it left visible marks that could be seen for a few hours after they took it off. It never failed to drive Tom crazy, so it always drove Andy crazy, too. "Stay still," he warns, and Tom nods, breathing heavily, gripping Andy's shoulder as tight as he can as he stays frozen in place. Andy slowly puts it around his neck, checking with his finger to make sure it's not too tight, and the second he clasps it in place, Tom's whole body relaxes, a content little sigh escaping his lips, his face slack and blissed out. He likes being owned, so much. Andy can't get enough of it. "Good?" he asks, just to make sure it's not too tight.

"Perfect," Tom answers, the words leaving him in a sigh. Andy then ties the leash to the headboard, making sure that they're just far enough from it that he'll be feeling its pull the whole time. Tom lets out a moan. "Thank you, Sir."

Andy smirks. "Now, here's what I want you to do," he says, "you're going to ride me, just like that, and you're not going to come until I tell you to. You're definitely not going to come before I do. If you come close, you'll have to tell me. I want to hear you scream, so make as much noise as you want. Do you understand?"

Tom nods again, almost dizzyingly quick. "Yes, Sir."

"Good, then get to it."

Tom doesn't need to be told twice. He starts riding him, slowly at first, trying to find the perfect angle for Andy - not himself, Andy notices, pleased. Once it's perfect, Andy orders, "faster, slut,” and Tom obeys, as always, working up speed as he tries to keep himself upright, feeling the tug of his leash with every movement, moaning the whole time. “Good boy,” Andy says, and Tom’s responding whine is high pitched, embarrassing, needy. He gets even faster then, starting to babble as he keeps on working, and Andy just stays casually in place, not having to do a single thing while Tom works to give him pleasure.

"Fuck, you're so perfect, did you know that?" Tom asks, quickly sliding down on Andy's cock, making sure he puts all this weight in the end so Andy's cock will press down against his clit just the way he likes, making sure to go as deep as possible, "I've been dreaming of your cock for days, god, Sir, nothing's better than this," he hides his face in Andy's shoulder, speeding up even more, thighs shaking with the effort, and Andy puts a fist in his hair and pulls, watching as Tom throws his head back and lets out a scream, working even faster on Andy's cock. "Sir!," he whines, "oh, thank you, thank you, feels so good, oh my god, please, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," Andy interrupts, "I'm not even close to coming yet. Keep working, slut."

"Y-yes, Sir," he whines, going faster, deeper, and Andy makes it harder for him, keeps pulling at his hair to expose his neck, litters kisses and bites on his exposed throat, grabs his thigh and squeezes hard enough to bruise so Tom remembers he's his, his whore, his toy.

"I love it when you get like this," Andy says, doing his best to keep his tone even, even as he's a little breathless from pleasure, from power, "I bet you want to come so bad, don't you? If I'd just give you the word, you'd be making a mess of yourself, coming on my cock right now-"

"Fuck! Yes, yes, Sir, please, I'm so close."

Andy smiles. "No."

Tom whines, so cute, adorable, and Andy is nice enough to leave a little kiss on his shoulder, grounding, calming him down. Before going right back to torturing him, "no, you don't get to come for a long time yet. I want you just like this, on edge, tasting it…" Andy grins. "Tell me how close you are, baby."

"I'm- I'm so close-"

Andy slaps him in the face. "You can do better than that."

"Fuck, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so close, I want it so bad, and you feel so good, God, you have no idea what you do to me, Sir, your cock is so perfect, it hurts, I need it- need to cum on your cock, Sir, please-"

"No."

Tom chokes on a moan, and starts to go even faster. He lets out a little whine, something Andy thinks was supposed to be a word, but doesn't come close.

"See," Andy says, "this is why I won't let you come. Look at you - every time I tell you no, you get so desperate, so obedient - it's what you want, isn't it? You want me to keep telling you no, you want to know your pleasure doesn't matter, that you're just here to serve me."

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes-"

"Good, then keep going. And beg all you want- I like telling you no, too."

Tom does. He begs, and he says thank you when Andy denies him, again and again and again. Thank you, Sir, thank you for using me, for putting me in my place, I'm yours, I'm yours. And he keeps on praising Andy, praising his cock, his body, the way he fucks him and uses him, no one else makes me feel like this, no one deserves to be worshipped and served like you, Sir, I want to make you feel good-... Until even the clear-minded state of domspace begins to crumble and Andy feels nothing but pleasure, and confidence, and power, and he cums to the sound of Tom praising him and begging, once, twice, three times, until his head is clear again and everything, even the need to chase his own pleasure, is gone, and he just feels perfect.

"Stop," he orders Tom, who's still babbling more and more incoherently, endless praise and worship, and Andy finds that he worships Tom right back. "I want you to get my cock as deep inside you as you can, and stay still. I'm going to play with your dick for a while, and when I tell you to, you can come. You did well today, baby."

Tom nods, suddenly struggling to use his words. "T-thank you, Sir," he says, already frozen in place, thighs clenching with the effort not to move and also shaking with all the effort he did before.

Andy coos. "Poor baby. You were so good to me today. Let me take care of you."

"You always- always do, Sir," Tom replies, and Andy smiles.

He gives Tom a long, slow handjob, making sure Tom stays still through it, enjoying the way his thighs shake on top of Andy's, the pressure of Tom sitting tight on his cock, the way his arms also shake with effort where they rest around Andy's neck; Tom's pretty, exposed throat all marked up around his collar, his breathless little whines as Andy makes sure to do it just the way he likes it, makes his cock turn red with need; watches Tom bite his lip, because when he has to keep still he becomes so quiet and needy, even as the little whines go through his lips… Until Andy finally says, "come for me, baby," and Tom screams through an orgasm that lasts almost a minute, hanging on to Andy as tightly as he can to keep himself anchored through the pleasure.

And then Andy holds him, and Tom holds him back, and they hold each other.

----

A while later, they've cleaned up Tom's cum so it doesn't get all sticky on Andy's chest, and Andy's finally taken off those damn briefs - they're great for sex, but get pretty tight when you wear them for a long time - and Andy holds Tom against his chest. He's humming, contently, and if anyone had told him at the beginning of the day that he'd be comfortable enough to have someone close to him while he's fully naked, he'd - well, probably assume they meant Tom, but still be skeptical.

"How do you feel?" Tom asks after a little while, finally opening up his eyes and saying hello to the world.

"That's supposed to be my line," Andy laughs.

"I feel great. Perfect. Next time, I wanna do it for longer. A week? Let's try a week. Or two weeks…?"

Andy laughs. "Let's not make too big of a leap yet."

"Fine. A week sounds good. Great. And now that we've established that denial is totally bomb for me, how are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I'm feeling great, too," Andy admits, playing with a little stray of Tom's hair, swirling it around his finger, "I think I needed that, a little bit. Who'd have thought that having you ride me and praise my cock cures dysphoria."

"Every trans top on every forum I've ever visited."

"Let me have my moment of realization," Andy mumbles, faux-annoyed. Tom just laughs, holding him closer.

"I'm just glad I could help," he says.

"Please tell me you didn't ride my cock just to help."

"Well, no, in case you hadn't noticed, I was horny as fuck. I just tried to, you know. Use that to give you a little push. Since you wanted to. Y'know. Also, it was all true. So..."

"Thanks, love," Andy says, earnestly. "I love you."

"I love you more."

They bicker about it, and Andy's smiling the rest of the day.

[im-gettingby]

30 Days of Carry On

posted (and written by?) @captain-aralias

(I’m doing most of these at once because I said so. it’s long so under the cut)

1. Favourite major character

I literally thought — Simon no Baz no Penny no, Agatha!

I guess I will pick Simon, since I relate to him the most — or at least, my connection to him led me into the fandom.

2. Favourite minor character

I think we all know this one 🐑🐑🐑

I have written many a treatise on Lamb Rights. I’ll spare everyone now

3. Character you relate to the most

Oops— I already answered this, kinda. I relate to them in different ways: I relate a lot to WS Simon because he has abandonment issues and “kid who was told he was extraordinary and then grew up to be ordinary” issues. We also both have a “fix all the things for everyone” complex, too.

Baz — It took me a while to get into Baz’s head, but I would say, I relate to him because of his intense emotional world and tendency to see the world through an intensely romantic/tragic lens. But also he’s a Pisces. and I’d never do that like a Pisces does. (Sorry, not sorry.)

4. Which character would you like to go to lunch with?

SHEPARD obviously. I don’t feel the need to elaborate.

5. Favourite non-Snowbaz ship

Ooh! Probably Lamb/Baz or Simon/Shep or just...literally anything. Like, I will read anything as long as it’s well written. The weirder the better. (Within...legal and moral limits.) in my other fandoms I’ve been a big multishipper and there’s not a lot of options for that in CO - which is fine - but wholeheartedly support rarepairs :D

6. Favourite non-romantic OTP

So, obviously Simon/Penny and Baz/Penny are great ones, but I think the nearest & dearest to my heart is Simon/Agatha. The kind of siblings/unwillingly dating/weird exes dynamic and the way they both shaped each other’s lives is just so interesting. And while Simon & Penny are closer, Agatha and Simon represent their aspirational selves to one another. And the way that they were both tied to one another along with their gender roles/places in society and both broke away at the same time is just...mwah

7. Favourite Baz outfit

I honestly dress kinda like Baz. Anything involving a printed silk shirt or a floral brocade suit, so like, all of them? I love WS Baz, his fashion sense is so thoughtful yet fun. He’s so expressive with it — in the sense of both being guarded, being sexy, and playing with masculinity/femininity.

8. How do you feel about Wayward Son?

In case it wasn’t obvious, I absolutely love it. I mean, from a writing/narrative standpoint, I don’t think it’s the most elegant or engaging book ever written, but it’s just so raw and fresh. I don’t see many examples of an author trying to do what Rainbow did, which is build a complex emotional AND plot-driven story with so many characters and so much lore. I’m very excited for AWTWB.

9. Favourite scene from Carry On, besides Chapter 61

I like what the book does/sets up overall. Honestly probably the first scene, where Simon walks to the bus stop & takes the train and just thinks about his life and makes lists -- I love Simon. I know Rainbow said she thinks that bit is boring, but it honestly says so much about his character in a short time. (and he’s an extremely complex character!) Also, Baz’s dramatic entrance. Also, the chapter where Baz says “and I’m hopelessly in love with him” because it’s just so dramatic, and it comes out of nowhere

10. Favourite scene from Wayward Son, besides Chapter 41

Baz and Lamb’s journey across the Strip - vampire lore, jealous Simon, Baz getting to be his own character— it’s beautiful.

11. Remind us about something in canon readers might have forgotten about

Ahahaha um. Simon says he thinks Baz’s cousin Marcus is fit. That’s pretty funny.

12. What are your hopes and fears for Any Way the Wind Blows?

I don’t have any hopes because I don’t want to be disappointed - and that’s not a cynical thing, I just want to go into it with an open mind. (I’ll take a break from fandom and reread the books beforehand so I’m (more of) a blank slate) I guess just...interesting emotional journeys, whatever that ends up being. There’s a lot that Rainbow has to do in the book and I don’t think any one person could get through all of it -- that’s why we have fanfiction.

Fears? I don’t know. I think just...the series ending. Even though I’ve been in fandom for less than a year I just really love this fandom & the thought of that kind of eroding away is sad. But also I don’t think that will happen immediately, and change is a part of life. I’ve never related as much to Cath as I do now :’)

13. An unpopular/cracky opinion you hold

unpopular: Lamb is the best character; I don’t want Simon to get his magic back; both Simon and Baz should have other romantic options.

14. Something from your head fanon

Hmmmmmmm well. Just mean things about Baz really. Like that he’s weird looking, not that great at football, and actually has kind of garish fashion sense. (which is a self-roast as well - see above.) I just feel like Simon/fandom put him on a pedestal, and Simon’s an unreliable narrator re: Baz anyway. So I like the idea that Baz is this average looking kinda strange nerdy guy who is everything Simon has ever wanted in life.

And before you tell me that Baz was hot at Watford and Agatha was into him, have you ever been to a tiny boarding school? Standards get weird 😂😂😂 and Terry being into him — come on. The guy’s a violent pervert.

also - back to Watford being a tiny school. Baz doesn’t have much competition to be the star of the football team. (also, does anyone except Simon even think that he is?)

16. Favourite location other than Watford

Vegas!

17, Favourite location in Watford

I’m pretty bad at Watford lore/geography bc again, I’m way more into WS. Probably the floor in the Cloisters where everything happens the same way, just a day later. There’s a fic there, but I can’t wrap my head around all the time travel implications enough to write it.

18. What would be your favourite subject at Watford?

Any potions-esque subject because I loved chemistry lab. Latin because I loved Latin in school. Uhhhh I don’t like history class, so not that — maybe a literature course focused on the derivation of spells.

19. What would your magical implement be?

Ooh! This is a good one. I’d like to think it would be a weird body piercing. Or a belt a la Gareth. Maybe some kind of traditional south Asian jewelry, like a nose chain or mang-tikka or something. maybe a hat. like, imagine your magical instrument being a fedora and you just have to...wear a fedora all the time.

21. Favourite canon spell

Hm. Kiss it better? Candle in the wind?I should try to think of a non-horny one. honestly they’re all so cool and clever - I love the magic system in CO/WS.

22. What would your eighth year spell at Watford be or do?

Maybe something from a poem I love. That would probably be pretty but not very functional. Or a healing spell.

23. Who would you want as your roommate?

Agatha is uptight, Penny is passive aggressive, Simon is a slob, Baz is both uptight and passive aggressive.

Definitely Shepard.

24. Favourite item of merchandise, official or unofficial

My @subparselkie sticker

25. Favourite book cover design

WS. Oh, another unpopular opinion - I don’t like the kevin wada cover of carry on. their faces look so weird and the colors don’t work for me. I own the version with the blue and yellow cover art instead

26. Do you want a movie? If yes - any fan casts for the movie?

Probably wouldn’t want a movie! Because I am way too possessive of these books/this version of the story. And I am historically extremely disappointed by adaptations — I get upset with the smallest of changes 😂

27. If they made a movie, what scenes do you think they’d cut that you’d be furious were missing?

See above. A LOT haha

28. If you could ask Rainbow Rowell one question, what would it be? (If you have already, you can share if you like)

What is Lamb’s full name????? Is it actually Lamb Lambert Lamborghini the third???

What is Rainbow’s relationship with sheep and goats. Why are there so many references to them

29. Have you read any of Rainbow’s other books?

Only Fangirl

30. How did you get into Carry On and/or Carry On fandom?

I read fangirl & the pages at the end mentioned carry on, so I read that, and enjoyed it but I wasn’t obsessed. Then I read WS spring 2020, reread it a bunch of times, reread CO, freaked out about the cliffhanger/cool vampire stuff/unresolved sexual tension, had pandemic cabin fever, got on AO3, and the rest is history.

As @annabellelux knows, I wrote my first (published) fanfic after reading her amazing fic Drop The Game. and the first fanfic I read was @captain-aralias’ Greener Grass. I was so obsessed that about a month later, I searched through the AO3 tags for it, because I couldn’t remember the title or author but kept thinking about it.

[ullwinner]

A ask About my agenderness

Hey, could you tell me a bit about your experience as agender? For example how you figured out you're agender, what's your relationship with gender, what pronouns do you use, struggles, representation etc.

Thanks! 

Sincerely, A slightly gender confused child

 Ok, so, I lost your ask, SO I am tagging you. @official-virtual-hug-dealer

I am not the standard when it comes to gender or agender and this post is long so i’ll try doing a read more

Very different childhood, not bad, just different from most.

My mother was raised with different “Fancy” “high class” standards, Make-up mostly no (She learned only about old types of make-up that was not great for the body), natural beauty, pretty nails not need, Shaving was not as important to her to talk about to me as I mostly wore long armed and long-legged clothing (When I started wearing shorter, then she started), clothing not an issue, etc.

 -

That, plus other stuff, meant that it took a long time to realize that I was different gender-wise, just thought I was different because childhood.

When you think you’re different just because your family is different, then you can dismiss differences between you and others.

If my mom had push me to be more fem, I may have realize sooner, because I would have been uncomfortable on my non-fem days

 how you figured out you're agender:

It started after realizing that people feel gender.

I started thinking, what am I?

Big epiphany a day when the towel over my body laid in a way that made it look like a male part. My brain went: that’s a penis you have and I felt not bad no matter how long I looked or thought about it.

Just a few days earlier I had looked at my foot imaging it being like a chimpanzee, spreading it out and moving the toes, and after a minute, it felt so wrong that I had to look away.

I started recording when I felt a type of way about gender. When I felt masc, fem, and when I felt nothing.

I used to correct people about gender but after I thought about it, I realized that I am fine with any, I only corrected because I was taught that female was right and male was not me. I also wanted to show a different type of women.

It took years to find agender and many more to accept it. (This is first year as out to anyone).

 -

what's your relationship with gender: Gender? I hardly know her! But for real, I can see gender mostly when it comes to others.

One day, I put up my hair. My brain went: A girl. I paused, put my hair in a different way, and my brain went: a man.

I let my hair down and asked my brain, what now, And it was silent.

 -

what pronouns do you use: All except English It/itself, but haven’t had the chance to test any except hon(Swedish she) which I don’t always like and I think I like Hen (a Swedish gender neutral)

- 

struggles:

1. Imposter syndrome, which my genderfluidity is not helping. (When I write “Hon”, I felt bad as today is apparently not a girl day, but 2 days ago I was a girl and thought I was fake, being not cis), 

2. accepting that I am part of the trans and nonbinary umbrella (After thinking that I “was not a part of that” for so long, it’s hard to stop),

3. getting others to understand, accepting, and not feel pity because I don’t feel gender. It’s hard to explain to some who need to understand to really accept.

You don’t have to do that but I really really wanted this person to understand. So.

Representation: I am still trying to involve myself in agender things so I don’t know much but, as far as I can tell, we don’t have much.

Most you may find on sites are not human (Robots, aliens, monsters etc) but are around humans.

It’s, in those cases, not the character finding agender and making themselves id as agender, the maker just didn’t give them an id or the media uses agender for things that don’t have a sex and/or as a form of dehumanizing/ seeing or showing the character as not human.

Some reclaiming probably does happen with those characters.

 -

My Tips if you are wondering about your gender is:

1.    read about all sorts of gender, (Even “silly” ones).

2.    find a label that you like, Labels are meant to make you happy

3.    Remember presentation is not gender, pronouns don’t automatically mean any one gender.

4.    If how you feel about your gender changes, that’s ok, no matter how many times it does.

5.    Try looking at stuff beyond gender eyes (binding, tucking, make-up, sport) What makes you happy, what makes you comfortable etc. Do them, even if you aren’t a part of those who do that. If it makes you feel good(And doesn’t hurt anyone, Including you!), then it’s not bad.

[siriusly-parker]

𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭 - 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏

𝐣𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

fandom: Harry Potter

words: 1.1k

warnings: Bad writing, one curse word

a/n: thank you for requesting anon!! this was requested today and i wrote it 5 minutes after. it’s bad. it’s really really bad. and i’m sorry. but if you don’t hate it do consider following or reblogging or asking to be tagged in what turned into a “series” apparently or anything james or hp or any other characters (go see my who i write for list) i’m going to be writing for remus probably and requests are open and welcomed! i love you guys. hope you don’t vomit reading this. also don’t know what happened with the spacing but i can’t fix it sorry. i really hope it’ll get better through out the series. i havent written in months and i literally forgot how. so i’ll get better i promise. i hope.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

They were best friends. Since the day they met, they were best friends. 

They were eleven, nervous and had just gotten on the train for Hogwarts. Y/n was lost and knew absolutely no one. She was a mudblood and her parents didn’t know anything about magic, and until a few weeks back, she didn’t either. She tried to read as many books as possible to understand this hidden world, but she was still scared. 

James was a pureblood. Though that never meant anything. Blood status wasn’t really a thing for him, he knew about it but didn’t care. She read a lot about the issue and felt overwhelmed about her identity. She should probably just not talk about it. At all. To anyone. Right? And the best way to do that was to not talk. At all. To anyone. And the best way to do THAT was to stay away. From everyone. And so she sat alone. Not that she really had any other option. 

She had gotten to the train station early and there was practically no one there yet. People started coming in and that’s when it all started. A young boy with big glasses and messy hair opened the door and simply sat in front of her after putting his things away.

“Oh. Umm, can I, uhh…Sit??” The unnamed boy said.

“I mean you’re already… Sitting… ” 

“I’m James by the way, and one day I’ll be the best quidditch player in the world.”

“I’m Y/n, and I think you’re a big dreamer, little guy!”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Depends… Do you dare dream of being better than me at quidditch or do you still have common sense?”

“Well, actually I-”

 The door bursts open for a second time.

 “HI! I’M SIRIUS AND I HAVE NO FRIENDS!”

“Ummm… Ok? Is it a wizard thing to introduce yourself with a random fact or have I just stumbled on the two weirdest people ever? Not that I wouldn’t know, because I was raised a wizard... For sure...”

 And that’s when they became best friends.

 Five years later and they were still as close. 

Y/n was waiting for James for their weekly “study dates” which don’t really include studying but rather arm wrestle fights, some chess, planning the next prank, or literally anything. Anything other than what they were actually supposed to be doing. But for the first time in all those years, James simply didn’t show up. 

Study dates have been cancelled before on a few rare occasions, but it was always discussed previously. She waited for two hours before going back to the Gryffindor common room. Y/n wasn’t exactly mad, she just didn’t understand why he’d do that. He’d never done something like that before and he knew how important these were. It must have been something horribly important or he would have told her like he always did. It wasn’t.

 Upon entering the common room, Y/n immediately spotted James and Lily on the couch in front of the fire. They had a bunch of textbooks in front of them and seemed to be studying for the next potion’s exam. 

Now she was mad. 

He couldn’t study with her because he found another study partner, and that was so messed up. He could go study with anyone else at any other time, but not during THEIR time. It's like he just replaced her. He couldn’t have just forgotten, they had been doing this for 73 Fridays, he knew exactly what he was doing.

 “Hi, study partner!” She said, purposely scaring him with the fakest smile she could put on.

“Oh… Heeyyyyyy… Yyyyyyy/nnnnn… Study partneeeer…” James answers, adding finger guns for an effect of - you just caught me.

“Yeah! Exactly! It’s me! Y/n! Your study partner!”

“We were just… Uhhh…”

“Studying. We were just studying, Y/n.” Evans said.

“Oh my! Thank you, Lily! I didn’t know I was not only stupid but also blind!”

“Sorry…” Lily mumbled underneath her breath.

“I’m sure you are.”

“Y/n you don’t need to be rude to her like that.”

“Thank you, James, for informing me! I thought it was my duty as an official meanie, but you have opened my eyes, and I’m so grateful! Never gonna make a rude comment to a pretty girl again.”

“Why are you so mad anyway?” The redhead added.

“WhY aRe yOU so mAd aNyWAy?!??” Y/n copied her in a, not so flattering, way. “I don’t know Lily flower, maybe because for the past 5 years James and I, as in me, Y/n L/n, his best friend, met every single Friday for "studying” and he just stood me up for the first time ever and the only apparent reason was to replace me with someone else? That’s my guess. But I don’t know, I don’t know, maybe I’m just too emotional because I’m on my period. That’s another option. What do you guys think?“

"I think you may be overreacting…” James mumbled.

“That was a rhetorical question sweetheart. That means you don't usually answer, but yeah… I probably am overreacting, Jamie. I probably am.”

 She turned around and he knew he messed up.

 For anyone else, that would have been overreacting, but for these two, this was a big deal, and James knew it. So he quickly finished with Lily and went right over to her dorm to apologize. He countered the gender blocking spell and knocked on her door to the rhythm of “Help!” from the Beatles.

 “No one’s there!”

“Y/n..”

“I don’t know who that is!”

“I’m sorry”

“…”

“I really am.”

“What for?”

“For betraying our precious friendship?”

“Good answer.”

“Can you forgive me?”

"I’ll think about it…”

“Ok, then. I’ll wait.”

 And he did. He waited for 2 hours outside her door. Until she finally opened her door.

 Sliding against the wall and sitting on the floor beside him, she broke the silence. 

“So… How does it feel?” 

“What does what feel?”

“Waiting two hours without knowing if they’ll ever come.”

“I knew you’d come.” He took her by the shoulders and looked her right in the eyes. “Have you thought about it?”

“A little bit…”

“Aaaaaaand???”

“I forgive you…” She smirks up at him and he hugs her as hard as he can.

 “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sORRy! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRRRYYYYY!”

“Ok! Ok! That’s enough! Let me breathe, dumbass!”

 And things went back to normal. They really did. Until they didn’t. And he forgot the next Friday's meeting. Y/n didn’t even confront him this time. She just went to bed early. 

 They usually sat side by side in the dining hall, but that morning, she sat beside Remus.

“Ok, why are you here?”

“Wha- I didn’t even have time to fully sit down and you're already questioning me?? Can’t a girl sit in a different place, besides a different friend, for ONE morning??”

“No. Moony’s right. There’s something wrong with you,”

“There’s NOTHING WRONG WITH ME SIRIUS!!!”

James sits down at his regular place at that exact moment.

“Merlin’s beard, Y/n why are you screaming?”

“FUCK YOU!! NO I’M NOT!! YOUR EARS ARE JUST TOO SENSITIVE!!”

“What did you do, James?” Peter questioned him with a mouth full of chicken.

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Ok, then why is she sitting beside Moony?”

“YEAH! WHY IS SHE SITTING BESIDES ME??!?” Remus screamed in confusion.

“Oh… I hadn’t really noticed… Maybe she just wants to be beside Remus. It’s just places, it’s not a big deal.”

Sirius seemed angry at him for not even trying to understand, but he calmly said, “If it's not a big deal then why did she just leave?” 

“YEAH! WHY DID SHE JUST LEAVE?!??!” Remus repeated just as confused as before.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Rem?” James said, somewhat trying to distract them from the actual problem 

“This situation makes me extremely uncomfortable…” The werewolf boy answered while whipping off his sweat.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

part 2

i’m so so sorry this was so bad omg. but thank for reading? it’ll get better don’t worry! (at least i hope so?)

[dudeihavenocheese]

Oof i was just blocked (pretty sure, anyway, I've never been blocked on here before so I could be wrong) by a panphobe after giving them a pretty chill explanation of pansexuality. I don't have their side of the conversation, but I do have mine (because my anxiety won't allow me to send something without drafting it first so it's on my notes) and a website they had given.

So buckle your seatbelts, grab your snacks, and get comfy. This is gonna be a long one.

Website they had given: https://whypansexualityisbiphobic.carrd.co

Their basic premise was:

Pansexuality is the same as bisexuality and was built on transphobia, therefore pansexuality is transphobic and biphobic. (This is, of course, paraphrasing. If I could actually see the goddamn messages I could better give their POV but oof i guess)

My responses were, admittedly, not as good as some others can and have put it. For the sake of this post, I will put my responses, then try and elaborate.

My response:

"I will not excuse the transphobic and biphobic nature of some pansexuals, but that's the keyword. Some pansexuals. Some pansexuals say shit like "hearts not parts" (wtf does that even mean) and "bisexuality doesn't include trans/nonbinary folks" (It happens with all groups of people, sadly). Most of us understand this, which is why a few of us (maybe more than a few) can use bi and pan interchangeably.

That's the thing. Sexualities, sexes, and  genders are different to each person. I could identify as genderfluid and/or bigender, but do I want to? No, because I prefer demigirl or female-aligned nonbinary. Will that change in the future? Hell if I know, but that's the damn point of sexuality and gender identities. There are different words for different people to understand who they are.

None of which are inherently phobic."

They basically responded by saying the same thing as the link. Again, i can't give the correct answer because i can't fucking see it goddamn it. I do remember them saying Pansexual is inherently bi and trans phobic.

To which I responded:

"Okay, I probably should have started with this but it's better late than never. This is a paragraph from the bisexual manifesto: "There are as many definitions of bisexuality as there are bisexuals. Many of us choose not to label ourselves at all, and find the word "bisexuality" to be inadequate and too limiting."

Even the official bisexual manifesto says (essentially) that it's okay to identify as something other than bisexual. While I don't really see that big of a difference between the two, other people do, and that's okay, as long as they acknowledge that bisexuality will always be inclusive to all genders etc etc.

It's just like omni and poly. These four mspec sexualities (bi, pan, omni, poly) broadly overlap and that's okay, because again, sexuality is not a box. It is fluid and ever changing. It is how one identifies themselves. Whether someone is bi, pan, omni, or poly, as long as we acknowledge our similarities, they are valid, and should NOT be put in a box that they don't want to be in."

And then they blocked me. Big yikes.

So that got me thinking about how I view bisexuality and pansexuality—and sexuality as a whole! I'm very easily discouraged (it's a curse honestly) and for a brief second, I thought that maybe I am just a bisexual. Maybe I should hate myself for even relating to pansexuality at all.

But then I slapped myself (figuratively) and reminded myself that sexuality, sex, and gender—though I might not completely understand it—is completely fluid. Being apart of the LGBTQ+ community does not mean you have to contort your body in some weird shape to fit into a tiny box. (Refer to the bisexual manifesto that I quoted earlier).

Bi, pan, omni, and poly broadly overlap, and to some people, it's the same thing. But that's a-o-fucking-kay. Because no matter what, no matter what name you go by, you are still valid and you are still you.

I will be myself and I will be unapologetically confident about it.

I will not be tagging the person, because this isn't a jab at them, this is just sending a message to any panphobic person out there.

[ambivalent-anarchy]

It's Gonna Be Me (Part 1)

Gender: Female

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

Warning: A bit angsty. Not too much though

This starts off as basic as possible, but I swear it gets better soon lol...

Hope you like it!!!

---------------------------------------

You might been hurt, babe, that ain't no lie

You've seen them all come and go

I remember you told me, that it made you believe in no man, no cry

Maybe that's why

~~~~~~~~~

Peter Parker knew a lot about hopelessly waiting.

Years ago, he'd hopelessly waited to not be the helpless, lanky nerd of the school anymore. That's when the spider came.

Months after the blip, he'd waited for any luck with MJ. That's when the Europe trip happened.

It seemed that every time he'd hopelessly wait for something, he'd always come to find out that maybe the situation wasn't so hopeless after all.

Which was why this particular situation bothered him. Because this one really was hopeless.

It'd always start the same.

"[Y/N]- hey, what's wrong?," Peter asked, furrowing his eyebrows, though he already knew the answer. At this point, the entire school knew the answer.

It had actually lasted longer than Peter had expected. But what mattered now is that his best friend was at his doorstep and in tears.

"Timothy was cheating on me, Pete. H-he doesn't love me... I'm so stupid."

"C'mon, come in." He ushered her to the livingroom. They sat on the couch. "It's not your fault, [Y/N]. Don't blame yourself for his crap."

Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. He hated to see her cry.

"Why do I always pick the bad ones?," she wept softly.

Peter pulled her into a tight hug, giving his friend the best comfort that he could give. He softly told her a rendition of what he said each time something like this would happen.

"[Y/N], listen. You are beautiful. Any guy would be lucky to have someone as smart and as loyal and as funny as you -And Timothy? Screw him. He doesn't deserve you. What matters is that you have MJ, Ned- heck, even Aunt May..."

He let her go, looking away as a blush crept onto his face. "A-a-and me..." He looked back at her, with a boyish smirk on his face.

She smiled back softly. "Thanks Pete." At that, she went in for a hug. "You're the best friend a girl could ask for..."

They sat for a while. She cried on his shoulder. She ranted. He gave consoling words. She spent the night on his couch.

This wasn't the first time this had happened. In fact, her tears that night weren't even a drop in the bucket compared to others.

[Y/N] had always had bad luck with guys.

She'd had her heart broken more times than she could count.

And Peter was always right there by her side, waiting to console her. Every time.

Every. Damn. Time.

And frankly, he was sick of it.

"What's wrong, bud?," Ned asked the next day at school.

"Nothing," Peter mumbled, staring death glares into the lines on his desk.

"Let me guess..[Y/N] found out about Tim?"

Peter blew out a sigh. "Yeah."

"I feel bad for her," Ned said. "I mean, has she ever really had a relationship that's lasted longer than a month?"

Peter twisted his mouth in distress and scratched the back of his head. "Uh, I think maybe when she was with Hank... -yeah that one lasted a bit longer."

"What happened to that one anyway?"

Peter rolled his eyes, clenching his fists. "They were going good up until he stood her up for prom last year."

He thought back to what [Y/N] had cried that night.

'Why do I always pick the bad ones?'

He clenched his jaw. 'Yeah.. why do you?'

Ned's eyes went wide. "Wow. She's really got bad luck doesn't she?"

Peter went silent as he attempted to watch the smartboard in front of him and Ned immediately knew to be quiet. He knew he wouldn't be able to focus but it would still beat having this conversation.

Still, there was only one thought that was stuck in Peter's mind as he held his pencil so tight that he could feel it ready to snap.

'She wouldn't if she had me...'

-

"Okay guys, [Y/N]'s in the lunch line getting her food," MJ announced to the table that afternoon. "And we all know she just found out about Timothy so- you know, when she gets here..try not to be.. yourselves."

Ned nearly spat his food out. "What?!"

Peter swung his head around.

"Come on guys." MJ rolled her eyes. "You both- especially you Ned- you guys have a habit of making insensitive jokes and not realizing until it's too late."

She gave them the meanest death glare, but Peter wasn't having it. "Says you Miss. 'I Like It When People Are Sad'."

MJ scoffed. "Not my friends, weirdo."

"Shh! She's coming!," Ned whisper-shouted.

They watched as their friend [Y/N] walked up to the lunch table. But something was different from the last times.

She didn't look like she had been crying. She wore her regular clothes, not something that looked thrown together. Her mascara was perfect and not running at all. She looked like she hadn't been cheated on at all.

She looked good.

[Y/N] dropped her plate onto the table. "Okay, attention guys!"

"You feeling okay, [Y/N]?," Peter asked, concerned. "I know last night-"

"Last night is over, Pete," she said proudly. "And I am now here to announce that I am officially done with guys!" She stuck her chin up dramatically high.

Evidently, she had yelled that too loudly, because Flash, from another table, quickly yelled out," Yo, [Y/L/N]'s going lez!"

The majority of the lunchroom turned to her.

"What? No," she laughed back. "Not what I meant, Flash..."

He looked her up and down, biting his lip. "So does that mean...?"

"Okay shut up, dickhead," MJ yelled, standing up. "Back to your food, people. Nothing to see here!"

[Y/N] turned back towards the table and composed herself before speaking again. "Anyway, so yeah, I'm done with guys," she said with a big smile on her face.

MJ looked to [Y/N], Ned, Peter, and then back to [Y/N].

This was a problem. A big one. Because MJ knew that a simple fact. Peter liked [Y/N]. Anyone with a brain could figure that out.

"What do you mean?," Ned asked. "Does that mean Peter and I have to leave?"

[Y/N] laughed. "Haha! No, Ned. Of course not!" She lowered her chin a bit. "I'm just sick of getting hurt, ya know? There's only so much heartbreak a girl can take..." She sadly chuckled a little.

MJ furrowed her eyebrows. She looked to Peter, who held a lost expression on his face. "What do you think, Pete?"

Suddenly breaking out of his trance, he started to speak. "U-uh, um, maybe y-your going about this the wrong way, [Y-Y/N]?" He ran his fingers through his hair. "I-I mean..." He looked away. "There are lots of great guys out there who w-would.. kill to have you, [Y/N]."

Obviously, [Y/N] didn't pick up what the young superhero was attempting to put down. She rolled her eyes. "Well, my stuttery friend, until those 'great' guys make themselves known, I'm done."

Peter shrunk into himself, looking anywhere but [Y/N]'s face. "Y-yeah..I guess."

MJ scoffed. Was this really going over [Y/N]'s head? Her and Peter didn't work out but she could still admit, he was a great guy that deserved a chance. That's why they stayed friends afterward. "Isn't this a little extreme, [Y/N]?"

"Not extreme at all," [Y/N] clucked her tongue. "Just necessary."

Suddenly and frantically, Peter stood and practically ran to the trash can to throw away his food and leave.

"What's his deal?," [Y/N] asked, popping some gum into her mouth.

"Seriously?" MJ's face was incredulous. "Learn to read a room, man..."

~~~~~~~~~

Every little thing I do never seems enough for you

You don't wanna lose it again

But I'm not like them

--------------------------------------- This one was a bit of a set-up, sooo... hope you enjoyed!!!

Tell me if you would like to be tagged!

[citialiin]

FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @dansiere​​, who did such a good detailed job they even included an “honorable mentions list” ? i am embarrassed to type mine out now TAGGING: @blossomingbeelzebug​​ @zhrets​​ @dirtyfilthysunshine​​ @prcphesise​​ @hyakiru​ @foxcharmed​

01. kaun komsott - ros sereysothea

this song actually lyrically has absolutely nothing to do with ziggy !!!!  kaun komsott /  កូនកំសត់ actually just means “poor/pitiful child” it’s just a khmer dub of a song from a taiwanese movie lol but i feel like this is the kind of music he would listen to that made him fall in love with, like ... humanity, as dumb as that sounds. it’s time period appropriate (late 60s/early to mid 70s), the song is really good and it’s SO emotional.  i could see him sitting in the apartment of his bandmates after being “found” and they teach him how to use the record player and he sits there going through each and every record they have and listening to this and its like the fucking scene in ratatootie where the goddamn rat can visualize tastes as colors but he would be so enamored with the song he would see it in colors or something i dunno.  something has definitely fucking happened to my brain because ever since nat and alex and i rewatched ratatootie we keep referencing it for our characters. anyways i ended up using an instrumental of kaun komsott in the final film i made as the song that plays during the end.  so this song just also means a lot to me because it’s part of how i made this character and the film/story i animated to go along with him, i am sure you are all absolutely sick of hearing me talk about it <3  

02. who can i be now - daveed booweyywywy now you found me, now can I be real?  can I be real? if it’s all a vast creation / putting on a face that’s new someone has to see / a role for him and me someone might as well be you

one of z’s most obvious character motifs is figuring out self identity through adopting different guises.  he markets himself as being so overly confident and almost arrogantly certain of himself -- rock god space idol whatever -- as his own way of learning who he thinks he might be underneath it all.  i think at first it started off a little innocuous, a ‘ fake it till u make it ’ thing at the least and maybe more obviously a ‘ im not a human so i have to pretend to be someone else ’ deal, but over time it became almost all consuming and just obliterated all his previously held sense of self in favor of some weirdly demented version of who he wanted to be.  683 starts off with the same core personality traits as ziggy: maybe he’s a little vain, a little selfish, but he’s very interested in creativity/self-expression and he wants to be thought of as a unique individual and appreciated for his differences.  but the difference is that 683 isnt an arrogant asshole who has no regard for other people in the slightest.  so yeah ... who can u be now ... is it worth it to adopt a different guise or should he go through the effort of figuring out what parts of his personality were corroded by human influence and what parts are genuinely him?  my big endgame thoughts for his story would be that he eventually just decides to retire from the public eye and fucks off entirely.  this would be over the course of a long long long time -- maybe he has a good 20 yr run in the industry -- but there are some things about him he has to deal with (mental health issues, drug addiction, also the fact that you’re a freaky alien creature who doesnt age like a human so you’re physically like 46 and you still look like you’re 25?) so he inevitably decides he doesnt need the horrible pressure of fame and he ought to just live his life for himself.  i think this would be a nice final song for him to sing/perform -- then he goes into the dressing room and cuts his hair and just vanishes. bye.

03. sunny afternoon - the kinks Help me, help me, help me sail away Well give me two good reasons why I oughta stay 'Cause I love to live so pleasantly Live this life of luxury Lazing on a sunny afternoon

1. i think this would sound A LITTLE like the kind of music he would write/play albeit i feel like his would be more exciting and have more samplings of like laser noises or pewpewpew or weird spaceship sounds BUT.  its also pretty time period appropriate.  even in “modern” verses ziggy is inexplicably obsessed with the 1970s, he likes bell bottoms and thinks groovy patterns are neat and he owns too many lava lamps.  anywayz. 2. just the general idea of feeling unfulfilled with luxury -- even if ziggy enjoys his fame and wealth and the absolutely insane amount of pussy/dick he gets at some level he is still cognizantly aware of how weirdly empty he feels.  he ditched atomina and came here because he felt unfulfilled and bored and unwanted.  now he feels wanted (clearly, everyone loves him) and he feels entertained (earth is So Good at fun distractions) but his fulfillment still isnt quite there.  he’s getting there -- but in exchange of being able to live this life of fame, he’s had to kind of change everything about himself and live this almost caricature version of himself, and he knows he cant keep it up forever.  the luxury will run out one day and he’ll be a washup and no one cares about celebrities once they stop being hip.  it is literally only a matter of time before ziggy has to find out who he is because no one can be a “rockstar” forever.

04. i hate jimmy page - mindless self indulgence SUCKAS CAN REACH OUT TOUCH ME EAT ME BITE DA FUTURE & FUCK DA PAST  I'm lower than most animals and fear what might be weird and all those voices in my head have every right to be there i ain't a girl just cause i rock the boat i ain't a boy just cause i rock your world

i mean he does hate jimmy page but that’s beside the point. its just a good song about being a crazy rockstar and has the same Craziness that i feel like accompanies his character ... just go listen to it you will understand. there is nothing to explain here.  even the lyric “ill show u how official midgets jack me off” like just accept it. it’s whatever  but yeah i aint a girl i aint a boy ... i guess his gender (or lack thereof) never really comes up in rp but its still an important part of his character.  if any of u guys ever call him a man in prose again ill kick ur ass.  gender is like an accessory to him and he just takes whatever aspects of masculinity/femininity he prefers and discards everything else.  to him he’s just as much a “man” or a “woman” as he is a “human” which is to say he isnt, at all, and he just pretends to be because he feels obligated to.  also ziggy’s brain kind of sounds like this...just Noises.  his brain sounds like a microwave that’s been going off for 26 years.  i think his brain is a single uncooked pinto bean rolled in glitter that’s been left in a box with a cobweb

05. ghostride - crumb daydreaming I stay in the backseat / the slow beat rocks me back to sleep keeps me on automatic  press my face up close against the glass i see the people when they pass they move so automatic you wake up when I go down / the radio reminds me I'm alive we've been hearing it all night

i care more about 683 on atomina than i do about ziggy on earth sometimes (BUT I CARE THEM BOTH. DO U?) so ... 683 feeling aimless and drifting but trying to find purpose through passion, a person, some sort of concrete meaning -- going through the motions of life makes him feel empty he spends almost every day going through the same toil while feeling guilty or like a burden and also feeling like he’s ultimately nothing more than a replaceable cog in a machine. his species had a near extinction = bottleneck which made them so genetically similar they’re almost clones of each other.  no one ever seems to do anything wrong except him, he finds no joy or fulfillment in anything at all.  all he ever wanted (which isnt a selfish desire at all) was to feel purpose, or feel wanted, or appreciated. inevitably he leaves because of his own imagination -- he yearns for something More, and he doesn’t know What, so he figured he ought to at least Try instead of waste his life away. also atomina is supposed to sound like “automatic.”  do NOT make fun of my bad scifi.  i am trying to mimic the way 1970s scifi is endearingly cheesy.  come here.  i just want to touch you with this knife.  gently tho it wont go inside of you. bro you are bleeding. bro we are bleeding and i keep putting the knife in your soft parts.