#boleyn howard and parr were all done dirty

[somescenecatholic]

Kids: Oh listen, ye all to a tale that's true When the War of the Roses tore England in two King Richard III one fateful day Fought Henry Tudor in a brutal fray For poor King Richard life grew worse He lost his kingdom for want of a horse Henry VII was then made king To Elizabeth of York he offered his ring She said 

Elizabeth: I do! Let's give it a fling!



Kids: This union again made England one The couple was blessed with a healthy son Young Henry grew up in Catherine's home When his father passed on he ascended the throne Henry VIII took a wife from Spain Catherine Aragon was her name She bore him a daughter a cute little one But to keep the throne he needed a son 

Slappy: Back then, that's how things were done

Hello Nurse: For girls, it really wasn't much fun



Kids: Their rocky marriage couldn't get worse But the pope refused to grant a divorce So Henry started a church of his own He got his divorce and stayed on the throne

Mrs Kaboom: Then Henry VIII wed Anne Boleyn His former wifey's handmaiden Anne gave birth to Elizabeth But with no male kin, well you do the math!



Kids: Poor Anne Boleyn, she lost her head So once again, King Henry wed Jane Seymour gave to him a prince



Baby Dot: But poor ol' Jane hasn't woken up since



Young Yakko, Young Wakko, and Baby Skippy: So for a while, our Henry grieves Then he marries Anne of Cleves Anne came from fine German stock



Nora: She had a face that could stop a clock!



Young Cora, Young Katie Kaboom, Baby Dot, and Baby Zubi: Their marriage was cancelled in less than a year His fifth wife, Catherine Howard, was dear But Henry found out that her love was not true



Slappy: He gave her the axe, what's a fella to do?



Kids: So after five, came wife number six Catherine Parr is who Henry picks He promised her he would do her no harm So six wives proved to be the charm!



Azola's ghost: We interrupt this song to briefly review the fate of King Henry VIII's six wives. So here's what happened, in Order, to wives one through six



Baby Zubi: Divorced, beheaded, died! Divorced, beheaded, survived!



Azola's ghost: Once again, that's...



Baby Zubi: Divorced, beheaded, died! Divorced, beheaded, survived! Thank you. Thank you very much



Azola's ghost: Now, back to our song!



Kids: Henry gained pound right after pound 'Til he needed machinery to move him around He weighed about a quarter ton 'Cause he couldn't resist a sticky bun In fifteen-hundred forty-seven Henry VII went off to heaven



Baby Zubi: Or maybe for his dirty tricks To H-E-double hockey sticks!



Kids: His young son Edward was only ten When he took the English throne but then Poor Edward died by age fifteen His reign was followed by a queen Jane Grey ruled for just nine days



Slappy: She lost her head, to coin a phrase!



Kids: Mary Tudor was next in line



Mary: The British throne is mine, mine, mine!



Kids: Mary had strength, she took no flack



Hello Nurse and Mandy: She brought the Catholic church right back!



Kids: At forty-two Mary met her death Then along came queen Elizabeth She was loved by her people and made England strong



Slappy: She had a few boyfriends, they didn't last long



Kids: The Elizabethan age was just and fair But Elizabeth never gave birth to an heir

And so we sing our last refrain The end finally came to the Tudor's reign Elizabeth died in 1603 The end of the Tudors' family tree



Young Yakko, Young Wakko, and Baby Skippy: The end of the Tudors



Young Cora, Young Katie Kaboom, Baby Dot, and Baby Zubi: There can be no disputers



Kids: The end of the Tudors' family tree... Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!



Baby Zubi: Timber!

rip tudors

[nastya-sokolova-2002]

Kids: Oh listen, ye all to a tale that's true When the War of the Roses tore England in two King Richard III one fateful day Fought Henry Tudor in a brutal fray For poor King Richard life grew worse He lost his kingdom for want of a horse Henry VII was then made king To Elizabeth of York he offered his ring She said 

Elizabeth: I do! Let's give it a fling!



Kids: This union again made England one The couple was blessed with a healthy son Young Henry grew up in Catherine's home When his father passed on he ascended the throne Henry VIII took a wife from Spain Catherine Aragon was her name She bore him a daughter a cute little one But to keep the throne he needed a son 

Slappy: Back then, that's how things were done

Hello Nurse: For girls, it really wasn't much fun



Kids: Their rocky marriage couldn't get worse But the pope refused to grant a divorce So Henry started a church of his own He got his divorce and stayed on the throne

Mrs Kaboom: Then Henry VIII wed Anne Boleyn His former wifey's handmaiden Anne gave birth to Elizabeth But with no male kin, well you do the math!



Kids: Poor Anne Boleyn, she lost her head So once again, King Henry wed Jane Seymour gave to him a prince



Baby Dot: But poor ol' Jane hasn't woken up since



Young Yakko, Young Wakko, and Baby Skippy: So for a while, our Henry grieves Then he marries Anne of Cleves Anne came from fine German stock



Nora: She had a face that could stop a clock!



Young Cora, Young Katie Kaboom, Baby Dot, and Baby Zubi: Their marriage was cancelled in less than a year His fifth wife, Catherine Howard, was dear But Henry found out that her love was not true



Slappy: He gave her the axe, what's a fella to do?



Kids: So after five, came wife number six Catherine Parr is who Henry picks He promised her he would do her no harm So six wives proved to be the charm!



Azola's ghost: We interrupt this song to briefly review the fate of King Henry VIII's six wives. So here's what happened, in Order, to wives one through six



Baby Zubi: Divorced, beheaded, died! Divorced, beheaded, survived!



Azola's ghost: Once again, that's...



Baby Zubi: Divorced, beheaded, died! Divorced, beheaded, survived! Thank you. Thank you very much



Azola's ghost: Now, back to our song!



Kids: Henry gained pound right after pound 'Til he needed machinery to move him around He weighed about a quarter ton 'Cause he couldn't resist a sticky bun In fifteen-hundred forty-seven Henry VII went off to heaven



Baby Zubi: Or maybe for his dirty tricks To H-E-double hockey sticks!



Kids: His young son Edward was only ten When he took the English throne but then Poor Edward died by age fifteen His reign was followed by a queen Jane Grey ruled for just nine days



Slappy: She lost her head, to coin a phrase!



Kids: Mary Tudor was next in line



Mary: The British throne is mine, mine, mine!



Kids: Mary had strength, she took no flack



Hello Nurse and Mandy: She brought the Catholic church right back!



Kids: At forty-two Mary met her death Then along came queen Elizabeth She was loved by her people and made England strong



Slappy: She had a few boyfriends, they didn't last long



Kids: The Elizabethan age was just and fair But Elizabeth never gave birth to an heir

And so we sing our last refrain The end finally came to the Tudor's reign Elizabeth died in 1603 The end of the Tudors' family tree



Young Yakko, Young Wakko, and Baby Skippy: The end of the Tudors



Young Cora, Young Katie Kaboom, Baby Dot, and Baby Zubi: There can be no disputers



Kids: The end of the Tudors' family tree... Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!



Baby Zubi: Timber!

079:The song is very amazing!

[arty-e]

My Tudors series ‘review

Y’all asked for this so here comes my rant review about the Tudors:

TW: Rape mentions

First things first let’s address the biggest elephant in the room and that is the costumes. Holy shit series 1 was fucking painful with the costumes. At least they got the basic dress shape for the women but other than that the women costumes were painful to look at. The headdresses were the biggest crime of them all. There were no French hoods, at least no accurate French hoods. Also why were there so many sequences! What was going on with all that glitter!! Don’t get me started on the hair! One lady in waiting (Joan Bulmer) had a fucking bob! A bob! The men costumes weren’t great at the beginning but as the series went on they did improve quite a lot. I’m gonna give credit where credit is due and say it did improve as the series went on as a whole (but not by a lot).

Now that we’ve got the costumes complaints out the way lets actually talk about the ‘contents’ of the series. First of all why the fuck was Charles Brandon such a big deal in this?! He wasn’t as important as the series implied him to be. I feel they only added him so that there was a consistent character through out the show and who was at least a little likeable (tbf on Tudors the main people who played a part in actual Tudor history were often executed or removed at some point).

On the subject of Charles Brandon they did get one thing right; he did marry one of Henry’s sisters, Mary Tudor. However in the series he married Margaret Tudor which made no sense at all! It appears to me that they merged the two sisters together and merge I mean they had the Mary Tudor history then gave them Margret’s name. In actual history Mary Tudor married the old sickly King of France and when he died she then married Charles Brandon. However in the tudors she marries the old sickly king of Portugal???? And because she doesn’t want to remain married to him kills him????? I know why they did this because they had already showed the king of France (Francis) who was young at Field of Cloth and Gold episode so it would make little to no sense to have her marry him. But that leads into my next complaint, the timeline.

Several things in this show don’t make sense with historical context because it’s all jumbled up. A couple of examples here are Henry Fitzroy, they killed him off when he was six in this, he died when he was 17 just before Edward was born. Along with that they also made claim that the Act of Succession (the act allowed Mary and Elizabeth to become Queens after Edward) was passed before Henry had married parr. The whole reason the Act of Succession ever came to be was because Parr had helped reconcile Henry and his two daughters and pushed for him to legitimise them and be added to the line of succession after their brother. Those are just a couple of examples that stood out to me when it came to the timeline.

Also the way they Jane portrayed as an innocent type and a ‘perfect’ woman was also painful. She acts all sweet to Elizabeth when the real Jane only payed attention to Mary and called Elizabeth the Bastard.

Now for my biggest complaint; the heinous misogyny in this thing. The way they treated the female character in this was (in my opinion) worst than actual Tudor history. Women in this show were constantly objectified and the amount of sex scenes in this thing is fucking painful! Did nobody have anything better to do!? In series one they took away Anne Boleyn’s agency and made her a complete puppet of her uncle and father. Anne was a very intelligent and charismatic woman and you don’t see this at all. To be fair on Natalie Dormer she fought with the writers for Anne to be more than sex object for series 2 because she had done her own research on her and fought for Anne. By Series 2 Anne got a bit more agency but they made her somewhat cruel and failed to really show her charisma. Now alone with Anne they were unspeakably cruel for what they did to Katherine Howard. They literally called her prostitute and even an episode synopsis they out right  call her prostitute. She was an abused child and they decided to do that. Along with that they also make it look like that her claim that Francis Dereham raped her was a lie and that she was only saying to save herself. It was truly disgusting. I do appreciate them trying to strongly tell the audience that Katherine was just a child (act all excitable, have dancing around the place) but the rest of her story was handled extremely poorly.

Catherine Parr is my next big complaint. They practically stripped her of everything that made interesting and took away all achievements while married to Henry. Ive already talked about the Act of Succession so I won’t go into that again. They only briefly show her being Queen Regent while Henry is away fighting in France (they were much more focused on Henry’s war), also when she discovers that there is an arrest warrant after her she sits in her room and cries for ages until Henry comes in asking what its wrong. They took away her going to him and winning back her life from him. When Henry does forgive her he is asked by one of his servants if they shoulda top the warrant but he tells them not to all because he wants to catch Gardiner out! What bullshit is that!? They took away Catherine’s indolence and replaced with Henry out smarting his evil bishop!? Henry was too fucking thick to do!

So overall I found this so frustrating to watch from costume and historical inaccuracies to the misogynistic choices to strip the few of the most important women in English history of their agency and independence. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world but still it was really annoying. My advice is for you to watch Game of Thrones instead because then you don’t have to complain about inaccuracies because it’s all fantasy and doesn’t claim to be a historical drama. (Also Natalie Dormer is also in this)

also if you want a good Tudor drama then watch wolf hall. Costumes are amazing and its very well done (only complaint Cromwell is painted too well in it)

(Also Elizabeth needed WAY more screen time)

[nerfherdingteleporter]

Robins as Henry VIII's wives. I don't ship them with Batman, I just like the way the numbers work and my Six-memorizing ass is procrastinating a lab. My reasons are superficial as all hell.

Dick is Catherine of Aragon, because she stuck around for a long time and then a lot of people treated her like she was still the One and Only Queen.

Jason is Anne Boleyn, because she was done dirty for Not Being her Predecessor and also didn't deserve to die. Plus, when she was accused of treason she was also accused of sleeping with five people including her own brother, and I know people ship Jason with some of his.

Damian is Jane Seymour, because of all the fuss over there finally being a biological (or, in Henry's case, legitimate) son. Also because he died once and I don't associate his death with Me Being Angry At the Writers the way I do Jason's and Stephanie's. Which is petty of me, but he got killed for drama instead of because the editor hated him and I'm mad at Grant Morrison for other things they did. *cough*Talia*cough*

Tim is Anne of Cleves. Because, uh, they both speak German? Probably?

Okay never mind. Tim is Mary Boleyn, whom I'm googling as I go along. She was around for a long time, she was Anne's sister (Tim is, ofc, Jason's brother), and Wikipedia says apparently ppl think she was Henry's favorite mistress. Turn that platonic, and a lot of the fandom thinks he was the best Robin.

Duke is Anne of Cleves. Didn't expect to actually become queen, wasn't actually around Henry for a long time, and when she left Henry gave her a castle (let's pretend that castles and superhero teams are the same thing) and they were on good terms.

Stephanie is Catherine Howard. Didn't really get a chance, the Person in Charge wanted her dead (*cough*Dan DiDio*cough*), she knew Mary Boleyn, and everything was unfair.

Carrie Kelley is Catherine Parr, because Catherine Parr is the Survivor and honestly, between Carrie's world and the Batman she worked for, it's amazing she's not fucking dead.

[some-sad-gay-ho]

So has anyone else noticed the that the first verse of Ex-Wives and the lines each queen is so specified to that queen? Or was I just supposed to notice this on my own?

Aragon- “Listen up let me tell you a story”

This, and lines similar to it, is a pretty common line for the beginnning of fairy tales, which obviously compares to Aragon being the beginning of the story and her ego showing by her thinking of herself as the narrator of all of their stories.

Boleyn-“A story that you think you’ve heard before”

This is a pretty obvious example to show how Boleyn is probably the most well-known of queens, but also shows how her story is often misinterpreted as her just being a sly mistress, making a whole mess of the religious world just to marry a dude, but still ignoring her intelligence and sweeping courtly control.

Seymour-“We know you know our names, and our fames and our faces”

This is comparable to how Seymour is probably one of the queens how has the most affect after her time, through Edwin, but still isn’t as well known as Anne was, which fits well with Seymour’s personality. Also her name is the most unique out of the six, since she’s the only one with it, so her name is easy to remember.

Cleves-“Know all about the glories and the disgraces”

To see this line and to analyze it and not see that this compares to how Cleves was disgraced for being “ugly”, when in reality she was just too blunt and stubborn for old Henry, and how her glory is her life in Richmond Palace and her “easy life” with Henry.

Howard-“I’m done ‘cause all this time, I’ve been just one word in a stupid rhyme”

I personally see Howard the queen who is the most villanized by the general public. The only thing that keeps Boleyn above her is that Boleyn lead to the Anglican church, but history just sees Howard as a young dirty mistress, so this line is her saying that she’s tired of just being what everyone thinks, and it’s time for her to really show the world who she was.

Parr-“So I picked up a pen and a microphone”

Hmm, I wonder how this line relates to writer turned pop star? Truly I think most people could see this lines connection to Parr, I just had never really realized just how specific the rest’s lines were to their queen.

Thanks for putting up with either my strange obsession with seven lines for 30 minutes, or my stupidity for not noticing this earlier. Tell me if you’ve already seen this and I’m just dumb please!

[percy-the-penguin]

Cell Block Tango (Six Addition)

Yes, what of it?

It’s not the best and i didn’t do it in my normal format and the queens aren’t in order but whatever, have Henrat dying 6 times :P

Pop 

Six 

Squish

Uh uh

Cicero

Lipschitz

And now, the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail, in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango

Cicero

Lipschitz

Pop

Six

Squish

Uh uh

Cicero

Lipschitz

Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, LipschitzHe had it comin'

He had it comin'

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen itI betcha you would have done the same

Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz

Boleyn: You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Henry. Henry liked to call girls. No, not call: text! So I came home this one day, and I am really irritated (Aragon again) and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy. And there's Henry, laying on the couch drinking some wine and calling. No, not calling: texting! So, I said to him, I said, "You text that girl one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots... into his head

He had it comin' He had it comin' He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have heard it I betcha you would have done the same

Parr: I met Henry the eighth, from England, about two years ago, and he told me he was single, and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single," he told me? Single, my ass. Not only was he married, oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Anglicans, you know? So that night, when he came home from court, I fixed him his drink, as usual. You know some guys just can't hold their arsenic He had it comin' He had it comin' He took a flower In its prime And then he used it And he abused it It was a murder But not a crime

Howard: Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, carving up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business. In storms my husband Henry in jealous rage. "You been screwing the footman," he says. He was crazy and he kept on screaming "You been screwing the footman." And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times

If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would have done the same!

Jane: How did I find myself here? They say my brother held down my husband and I cut his head off. But it's not true. I am innocent. I don't know why my brother Thomas says I did it. I tried to explain at the police station but they did not understand Boleyn: Yea but did you do it? Jane: Uh uh. Not guilty Cleves: My sister Amalia and I had this double act, and my husband Henry traveled around with us. Now, for the last number in our act we did this twenty acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the Richmond Palace, the three of us boozing, having a few laughs. And we run out of ice so I went out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Amelia and Henry, doing number seventeen: the spread eagle! Well, I was in such a state of shock I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead

They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' all along I didn't do it (she didn't do it) But if I'd done it (but if she'd done it) How could you tell me that I was wrong?They had it comin' (they had it comin')

They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' all along (they took a flower in its prime) I didn't do it (and then they used it) But if I'd done it How could you tell me that I was wrong? Aragon: I loved King Henry more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy, sensitive, a poet. But he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself, and on the way he found Boleyn, Seymour, Cleves, Howard, and Parr. I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive... and I saw him dead

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bumThey had it comin' (they had it comin')

He had it comin' (they had it comin') He had it comin' all along 'Cause if he used us ('cause if he used us) And he abused us (and he abused us) How could you tell us that we were wrong?

He had it comin' (he had it comin') He had it comin' (he had it comin') He only had himself to blame (he only had himself to blame) If you'd have been there (if you'd have been there) If you'd have seen it (if you'd have seen it) I betcha you would have done the same

You text that girl one more time! 

Single my ass

Ten times! 

Number seventeen, the spread eagle

Artistic differences

Pop

Six

Squish

Uh uh

Cicero

Lipschitz