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audrey-carr1 · 10 months ago

Text

The Baroness makes house calls (part 3/?)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

A/N: Do you know how much research I had to do on Gilded Age sex education?! As well as interior design of gilded age homes?! A lot, but it was all in the name of fun. I haven't written fanfics let alone smut in about 11 years so I am incredibly rusty! Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy and please feel free to leave comments!

warnings: NSFW, SMUT AHOY!, fem!reader, first time reader,

reaching a fever pitch that's bringing me out the dark

Hetty is overcome with so many emotions as she follows the younger woman to bed. You aren't sure who started undressing the other one first. Hetty only knows that she wants to be as close to (y/n) as possible. You both are finally down to your shifts, and Hetty begins kissing you as she urges you further upon the bed, and on your back.

Before going any further, Hetty stops.

"(y/n), are you sure about this?" Hetty asks once more.

You nod, but that isn't enough. "I want to hear you say it. I need to hear you say it. I won't be upset if you this is not what you wish," Hetty nearly begs.

"Yes Hetty, I want this. I want all of you, and I want you to have all of me" You reply before quickly kissing her again. You can only go so long without her touch before you feel like a mad woman. Hetty's kisses move from your lips to your neck, and you arch your neck to give her further access. You can't begin to describe the feelings you have at this moment. The butterflies in your stomach flew rampantly and you had a warm feeling that went from your head to your toes. It was almost like you developed another fever, but this kind was enjoyable. Hetty licked and sucked at your necked before laying a bite down on your pulse. You gasp at the pain, and a small moan escapes as that pain turns to pleasure. Without thought your hips also shoot up causing Hetty to grin against your skin. It's like she put a spell on you, your body doesn't feel like it's your own and it's now being driven by lust and need. Something you knew very little about. You tried to push the insecurities away, but you couldn't but wonder if you would be a terrible lover due to your lack of experience. Hetty is married and older, therefore she's the most experienced person in this room. You try to focus on Hetty's hands as they move further up your thighs and slowly start to part them. As your thighs parted, you felt something different causing you to clamp your thighs together practically trapping Hetty's hands in the process. This action surprised both of us causing Hetty to speak first. "What is it darling? Did you not like -"

"You can't", you said in a whisper even though you two were the only one's in the room. "I think something's wrong with me."

Hetty quickly removes her hands from your person, "Do you feel sick again, we can-"

"It's not what you think... down there," you cut her off again much to Hetty's displeasure.

Hetty is even more confused and slightly nervous that she has pushed you too far and far too quickly. You sit back up, and you whisper in Hetty's ear, "I'm wet,"

"You're we-" It finally dawns on Hetty what you're talking about, and it's like all of the air has been sucked out of the room. Hetty quickly inhales through her nostrils trying to gain her bearings. Hetty is even more painfully aroused. Never did she think she would be the more experienced lover when it came to sex, yet here she was. Not that she was complaining, but now she needed to quickly uncloud her mind to give you proper explanations. Hetty refused for you to have so many unanswered questions as she did during her first experience.

Hetty notices your eyes are watching her face, waiting for her to say something. Hetty takes a moment to swallow before she speaks again. "That is nothing to worry about my darling. In fact, that happens to every woman when she desires her partner,"

You still look to Hetty with wide eyes, and she knows that you are still a little lost on the subject.

"May I?" she asks taking your hand. You nod, and before you know your hand is between her legs and you feel something wet against your fingers, "As you can see I'm in the same predicament as you,"

"Does this happen all the time?" You ask and without thinking you move your fingers against Hetty. You watch Hetty bite her bottom lip as she reacts to your movement. She lets out a shaky breath. Hetty should have known this would not be a quick session of question and answer. Your curiosity is one of the many attributes she adores about you.

"I think the best way for me to tell you is to show you," Hetty says before removing your hand from between her thighs. Hetty quickly maneuvers from in front of you to behind you, "Time for a lesson. Look ahead of you in the mirror,"

You look up into Hetty's vanity mirror in front of her bed.

"May I lift your dress?" Hetty asks also watching you in the mirror.

"Yes," you say in addition to a nod. Hetty grabs the hem of the shift and quickly yet gently removes it from your body. You're left completely naked, and you hear Hetty's breath hitch. Hetty presses a chaste kiss to your shoulder.

"I have never seen someone more beautiful than you," Hetty whispers in your eye.

If you weren't already blushing, you'd be sure that your cheeks were red. Hetty's hands start caressing your outer thighs, and you feel tingly all over. Her hands continue their search upward. Her hands reach your breasts and she takes both of them in her hands. She toys with them enjoying the small sounds she pulls from you with her movements.

"Spread your legs for me please," Hetty says

"Well since you asked so nicely," you giggle as Hetty's hands fall to your thighs and help you part them wide enough. Her nails light scratch on your inner thighs, and you hum in pleasure.

"If you have any questions, any at all do not be afraid to ask me. I may not know everything, but I might know a thing or two,"

You nod, slightly curious as to what questions you may have. Hetty's hands inch closer to the curls between your legs, and she watches your face in the mirror for any discomfort. She is placed when she finds nothing but your lips parted in anticipation and curiosity.

"I'm going to touch you now. If at any time-"

"Yes, I know Hetty if I feel uncomfortable I can stop you at any time," You huff in slight frustration. Taking note of your tone, you briefly chastise yourself. Hetty is only trying to take care of. You begin, "I apologize for my outburst, it seems I am very eager to start said lesson,"

"Well I'm glad to have such an eager learner with me," Hetty says, "Let's begin."

Without any more hesitation, Hetty's finger slides down your front. You gasp, and your hips buck. Hetty quickly wraps her legs around yours to weigh you down. As expected Hetty finds her fingers covered in a damp, sticky heat.

"I can assume that you are familiar with the proper terms of your anatomy,"

You nod.

Hetty gives a devilish smirk, "Good,"

Her fingers circle your entrance and you feel all the air escape your lungs.

"Hetty," you moan as your head falls back to her shoulder.

Hetty hums quite pleased with herself. She continues to circle your entrance gathering copious amounts of your wetness on her fingers before her fingers begin to stroke upwards. She touches a part of you that sends electricity down your spine.

"That," you pant," What did you just touch,"

"That my darling is your clitoris. It's a little bundle of nerves that get very excited when touched like this," Hetty demonstrates this time with a little bit more pressure, and you arch against her.

Already knowing your answer, she asks, "Do you like it when I touch you here?" Her fingers move in a slow circular motion, and you feel yourself maddening by the second. Like there is pressure building up inside of you waiting to be released.

"Oh yes very much," Your hips try to meet your movements.

"I can also tell by how your body responds. Look at how your hips try to chase the movement with me," Hetty says urging you to look in the mirror.

It feels absolutely sinful to see such a sight, but it does add to your pleasure immensely. You bite your lip as you take in the sight of Hetty's legs wrapped around you with her hand circling between your legs. Your chest heaving as you take in the pleasure Hetty is giving you. The room feels hotter now that we are closer. You feel delirious as you are under Hetty's blissful control. Hetty's fingers delve towards her entrance again, not entering but gathering more of your wetness before returning to the circular pattern above. Hetty notices that your eyes have become more hooded, and your breathing has started to pick up. She slows down her motions, and you whine in response.

"Why did you slow down?" You ask.

"Because I intend on taking my time with you," Hetty replies kissing your temple.

You let out a huff, and Hetty chuckles. Hetty's fingers go delve back down to your entrance. You man as you feel her fingers swirl around you.

"I am going to insert my fingers now," Hetty says.

"Will it hurt?" You ask quickly. You remember your married friends mentioning how their first times were not enjoyable, and you begin to wonder if this was part where it became painful.

"It should not be painful, but it will feel" Hetty searches for the right word," Different. If it is painful, tell me and I will stop immediately,"

You nod, and you watch in the mirror as Hetty enters you with one finger. You don't feel much besides a tinge of pressure that quickly subsides. Hetty was right, it's not painful just different. Hetty watches your expression in the mirror looking for any sign of pain or discomfort. She breathes a silent sigh of relief when she finds none. Hetty's finger begins to thrust, and your eyes roll back at the feeling. Your hips begin to meet her thrusts, and Hetty slowly starts to pick up the pace. One of your hands grabs onto Hetty's thigh as you feel the need to tether yourself to something. Hetty didn't know how much she would enjoy watching you lose yourself in the throws of passion, she even admires how you fight to keep your eyes open to miss a moment of what she's doing to you. Hetty could almost reach completion by watching you come undone in the mirror. Hetty can tell by the pulsing around her fingers, that your first orgasm is approaching quickly. Hetty feels her hand slicken even more with your arousal as your tiny whimpers of need become full-blown moans. Hetty decides it's time for the grand finale. Hetty's finger travels deeper searching for that spongy patch, she's so often searched for on herself. Hetty can tell when she finds it because you nearly scream, before quickly covering your mouth with your hand. Hetty let you adjust to the feeling before her other hand began to circle on your clit again. You begin to think Hetty may be trying to kill you. You feel like a puppet, and she's pulling all of the right strings.

"Hetty, Hetty," you repeat, "Oh please."

Your mind is so muddled you are not sure what it is you are pleading for, but you know that Hetty knows. Overcome with pleasure your head falls back to Hetty's shoulder and your eyes are tightly shut as you watch stars explode behind them. Hetty watches your face and smiles as she sees how expressive you are. She watches as your mouth falls into the perfect 'O' shape, and she feels you clench tightly around her fingers.

"Oh, Henrietta!" Your back arches, your hips jerk, and your body quivers as you come undone for the first time. A feeling you can only describe as pure ecstasy washing over you. Hetty follows you in completion, shocked by how she did so without being touched. Hetty's finger still moves inside of you drawing out the last few bits of pleasure. Hetty whispers in your ear how amazing you are and how beautiful you look. As your body relaxes against hers, Hetty slowly removes her finger from you. You wince slightly, but you find the discomfort only to be brief. You watch Hetty in the mirror as she lifts her finger to her nose before taking the digit into her mouth. You feel the vibrations against your back as Hetty moans at the taste of you. Hetty had never felt more free than when was with you. Elias be damned. Hetty knew that she was ruined for anyone else by you, and you knew that you were ruined for anyone else by her. Hetty moves off the bed before searching for a nearby rag to run under the sink. Hetty comes back to clean you up, and places light kisses all around your face before meeting your awaiting lips. She dresses you in one of her nightgowns and helps you crawl into bed.

"Hetty, do remember when you said I could ask you any questions?" You ask

"Yes, I recall," Hetty says as she climbs into bed next to you.

"When can we do that again? And when can I do what you did to me on you,"

Hetty throws her head back in laughter before she kisses you again.

"We have all the time in the world," Hetty hopes.

-END-

A/N: Part three as promised! I should probably start my other work before I start part four of this. Blame the ADHD lol. Hope you all enjoyed reading, and as always I take requests and I love reading comments! TTYL!

#hetty woodstone x reader #hettyxreader #cbs ghosts #wlw smut

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archivalofsins · 3 months ago

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(thoughts after T3 reveal) maybe this is an odd question but is there anyway muu or kotoko can be forgiveable? i don't know, i can bring myself to forgive any other prisoner (except maybe mikoto?) but like, not them. they both suck as people and i'm probably fine with them dying cause they deserve it the most. but it makes me feel like i'm missing something about their characters cause i don't feel this way towards other characters. maybe i just don't like their personalities and that's clouding my judgement? idk

Sorry for how long it took me to answer asks. I've been going through hell in real life. But my birthday is in one minute so I'm taking some time to do some things I actually enjoy.

Instead of the free consistent every day labor- That I must stress heavily no one pays me for (and goes on from 8:30am to 10:00 to 11:00pm) then harasses me over doing it by going, "What income do you have, huh?!" This has been my life for a good few years and has only gotten worse the more time passes. Also, all these people are older than I but who's keeping score really? Not me.

Back on track by that I mean what I spent my morning being told- "What right do you have to the residence you've lived in for years if I know you don't have any money to pay for it- Well you live there of course you're supposed to clean up and take care of all that it's your place except whenever you try to instill any sort of boundaries then it's our father's place. Because fuck you get back to cleaning." We use you as free help because you live there. Then bitch at you when you try to leave because who else will do it. Anyone can just come in and out of your place of residence when they feel like it you have no right to privacy. Everyone and anyone can barge in your room and ask you what you're doing about x, y, and z whenever. We have more rights to your home than you do. To imply or even state that we don't means you're possessed demons. Not that we're entitled to things we don't deserve and are disrespectful fuck you find god."

All that to say buckle up I have defenses for days for these two characters and every other prisoner here. Because honestly let the rest of the living cast out I think they should keep killing. Some people may just deserve to die abruptly and violently. Fuck around and find out clause is in full effect. Someone fucks with somebody else and gets murdered that's not an unfortunate accident that's cause and effect. That's an action and a reaction.

But TL;DR there are worse people in real life than Mu Kusunoki and Kotoko Yuzuriha to which I have the personal dissatisfaction of knowing many who are worse.

Still, I don't tell people how to vote and going there are worse people in reality who have been enabled to do terrible things there entire lives while still feeling like the victim, hero, or protagonist the world revolves around while creating the narratives of others within their own heads while never communicating with those around them doesn't make it better for Mu, Kotoko, or any of the prisoners to act in that way. It just makes them very normal people. None of prisoners are special. None of them are egregiously right or categorically correct for the actions they've taken in their lives. They're just people. Self-focused, entitled, emotion driven people who can spin anything into a wrong that happened to them outside of their control if they so choose to like any one else can.

When people mistreat me in my life I don't go oh well that's because they're irredeemable heinous individuals who will eventually rot in the hell they've imagined connected to whatever religious beliefs they carry or if they have none- Well then, they won't exist forever one day they'll die and they'll still be the person I remember them as nothing more or less. Sometimes that is the only karma that needs to exist in the world knowing you can look down, up, or around and know that person isn't here anymore and deal with the weight of that at your own discretion or throw a party it's up to the person to decide. It's easy for people to tell themselves I know my heart and my intentions they were nothing but the best.

However, that's only as good as the fairy tales they told us all as kids and manifesting a kinder personality without putting in any of the effort to change can get a person. The simple truth is most people in reality don't care about an individuals heart or their intentions. They care about their actions and how those actions impacted them. No one has to believe anyone in life is a good and decent person trying their best especially when so few people extend that same consideration to anyone outside of themselves.

So there are worse people in the world does not negate any of the criticism about Mu and Kotoko's characterizations- Honestly, it's pretty much the same logic Mu was using in her second voice drama to tell Es to just vote everyone innocent. Like come on just let them do what they want don't be such a killjoy.

However, the statement does server to even out the playing field marginally in my opinion. Because it touches on the first thing that struck me about your ask. That being,

"i don't know, i can bring myself to forgive any other prisoner (except maybe mikoto?) but like, not them."

Honestly, reading this part of your ask made me reflect on myself a bit. I'm the sort of person who can forgive just about anything that is done to myself but I draw the line at things done to others. I get reprimanded a lot by friends due to and have a reputation as a bit of a pushover.

So, Milgram has been quite difficult for me as an individual who has an easy time putting themselves into someone else's shoes. It reminded me that there are just some things in life that are truly unforgivable. That there is a reason that we as people label individuals as guilty or innocent. That it goes deeper than this person was right or this person was wrong.

That these terms aren't about judging the person but the action. The simple truth is under what I believe to be the framing of events in each case everyone is unforgivable. They are all guilty. There's no part of my ego that thinks there is a completely blameless individual here. So, I'm curious how could you find a reason to vote innocent for everyone else.

Because chances are like me those reasons have very little to do with their crimes and a lot to do with them as people. Something that has absolutely no bearing on the sin being displayed to be judged and everything to do with our personal egos as observers.

I could say I want to find Futa innocent because I relate to having one's good intentions weaponized and used for the wrong reasons. I understand what it's like to be taking advantage of by someone you trusted and were there for,

"Fuck it! You won’t be forgiven, it was stupid licking each other’s wounds."/ "Flames closing in, are both sides losers?"

In the same vein I could forgive Haruka because I know what it's like to be expected to do more than you're capable of doing while having your own personal issues overlooked. I could forgive Yuno because I understand how it feels to have other people tell you what your life was without asking how you view it yourself. I can forgive Kazui because I know what it feels like for things to fall apart simply because of being honest.

Yet, none of those things are why they're in here. Those are just the most sympathetic interpretations I choose to latch onto. They are in here for murder. Anyone could have any of those things happen to them without ever murdering anyone else or being involved in someone else's death. The things I just listed are mundane every day things that has happened to everyone at one point or another.

So, come on let's be reasonable here. It's not fair to say one can find reasons to vote prisoners here forgivable except a certain few.

Yet, that's all just an emotional appeal. Emotions are subjective and tied heavily to an individuals own interpretation of things. So, I have to ask can you really not find a reason to forgive these characters or the mindsets they represent?

Like I know better than most that some of the characters fans have been "like that" but is that any reason to throw the characters to the wayside? Sure people who have avidly and consistently defended their behavior have done everything in their power over the course of this series to show their hypocrisy. Especially when discussing the cases of other prisoners.

Certainly some have even taken it a step further and harassed people in real life numerous times and have gone as far to use racialized pejoratives and right-wing talking points in their defenses. Sure during the intermission a Kotoko fan came out as a nazi- And of course they mass report people to get them shadow-banned on any social media platform if they even so much as say one critical thing about these characters.

However, none of those things should impact how any of us engage with these characters.

I mean it's hard for it not to at this point, I suppose... A lot of how people have treated others in real life over them is how Mu and Kotoko treated others within their narratives. It's difficult to not find it personally unappealing or view them as anything other than irredeemable.

We're kind of just at that point where we're seeing that if one defends something long enough they'll start doing it themselves.

However not everyone in the fandom has reached that point yet.

I do think the atmosphere around them and their greatly contributes to how bad they've begun to look to others. This is also why I personally find the idea of their fans trying to make any sort of alliance fucking hilarious. Like the two groups that have annoyed everyone the most over the course of this series are teaming up in a bid to get what's left of their fave characters out of here.

Lol, laugh my ass off even.

I mean after everything something like that would be like begging to get knocked down. I mean talk about two birds with one stone. It would almost become too easy to come up with reasons to vote them guilty. Not all fans are like this of course but Mu and Kotoko have garnered an audience reflective of their worst traits. Such as their inability to admit fault and habit of playing the martyr.

This is truly just my personal opinion but I think it's important to take a step back and ask ourselves if our dislike is at the character or the sort of the atmosphere that's been created around them. Because more often than not I find myself more upset at the discussions around Mu and Kotoko than the characters themselves. Most of this answer is going to be me attempting to explain why that is.

Now cards on the table I have not had the best experience with individuals claiming to be fans of these any of these characters. However, Mu and Kotoko die hard fans and detractors have been a bit mm well condescending, self-righteous, and very my way or the highway about things making it difficult to really feel like engaging with them or their defenses of the characters is a productive use of my time. Since as you can see I already deal with enough people like that in my real life and I'm not making space for the same attitudes here.

It simply isn't a productive or fun use of my time.

If I wanted to hear the opinion of someone who is clearly blinded by their own positive feelings towards the topic of discussion I'd read the fanfiction I write for myself regularly and call it a day. Not someone else's fanfiction dressed up as analytical debate or emotional appeal. That brings us to the second issue about defenses regarding these characters.

They tend to be based in fanon. Most defenses of Mu and Kotoko align more with how fans want them to be than what has been presented in the series or even expressed by the staff that makes it. A part of me isn't just like it's unrealistic to think that deep down they're nice, mean well, and just didn't know the harm their own actions could lead to for any of the characters not just Mu and Kotoko.

However, at the point that someone is actively going and I will do this again I have no intention of stopping after reaping the consequences once well let's just say everyone here is kind unsalvageable. Because Haruka, Yuno, Mu, Shidou, Mahiru, Kazui, Amane, and Kotoko have all said they are going to do that shit again or they have done it repeatedly already. Something that would make this a pattern of behavior.

Haruka,

"How many more times do I have to do this so I can be human?"/ "I just want to be your good boy I will keep on killing to be a good boy."

Yuno,

"Just me alone, the warmth starts fading away. Let’s reload the warmth."/ "The episode reloading on an endless loop. The fading warmth makes me anxious again. Tear drops succumb and fall."

Mu,

"Let’s meet up inside the pain, a place just for me."/ "I told you I’m queen, and it’s always the same. God gave me everything, everything is as I wish. Don’t you think it’s wonderful to control them with my gentle sting."

Shidou,

"“Throw down” it’s ok, that’s enough. Can’t stay away. Please don’t forgive me. That’s why I want this to end “Throw down”."/ "Killing, extracting, I still won’t see them again. I need to be tagged as RED."

Hindsight really is 20/20 he really told us out the gate he needed to be voted guilty (tagged in red) and stopped. Ahn whelp nothing we can do about it now at least nothing we can't take back happened due to that choice. Ya know if we all conveniently blame the nearest child that is then none of the older people here has ever done anything wrong.

Mahiru's first and second voice dramas,

"Being in love is… If there was no such thing as love, then my life would be so bland. So, if you say that I won't be allowed it anymore, then there's no point in me living."/ "Because I know how precious it is to be in love. The moment you love someone, you realize the beauty of the world as it changes. To not forgive me means to take the act of loving away from me. That's the same as not being alive. It's the same as not being able to drink water or breathe."

Kazui,

"What I gave up a long time ago why is it questioning me now? So many things that I should now have known, I'm just a coward."/"I can’t stop, I can’t be normal. This feeling, it can’t be gratified. I can’t stop, I can’t be normal. This feeling, it’s yearning to be satisfied."

Amane,

"I won’t say “I’ve had enough” will you laugh with me and forgive me? I take an oath! I can only become a better girl!"/ "I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed. So nary a sound can be uttered a second time, I’ll crush your throat too."/"After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry”. You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already. Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?"

Outside of that in both of her songs Amane is literally shown disobeying the rules repeatedly, being punished for it, and states she will just make her own now.

So, one can't even say I feel like Mu and Kotoko are unforgivable becaus they'll never change. Because no one here planned to change to begin with. The only people who haven't gone yes and I will do that shit again are Futa and Mikoto because their situation was in direct response to something else. So, if the same situation doesn't present itself they probably won't do that again.

But that doesn't make either of them better than anyone else here. Because they seemed to have done the things they did multiple times without looking into any other options that didn't escalate things to life changing violence.

Despite both presenting themselves as individuals who don't like violence-

Futa first written interrogation,

Q.12 Do you think the other prisoners should be forgiven for their “murder”? Futa: People who resort to violence are shit. You only do stuff like that if you’re stupid.

Mikoto first written interrrogation,

Q.06 What do you hate? Mikoto: working overnight / reptiles / violence

So, they're not even living by their own standards and should be disappointments to themselves. The only good thing they've done is not say,

"And I'd do it again too!"

Like literally everyone else here.

They've at least gone that was a one off things but if you force my hand I will do it again I don't wanna but if I have to- While everyone else just fucking lives like that. Even so that is still how they're all choosing to live their lives. Back on the discussions around Mu and Kotoko... I have seen people state that if someone doesn't see how what the characters did was correct and a leveled response to their circumstances they just weren't traumatized enough.

This plays into the mindsets that Mu and Kotoko display within Milgram. In Mu's case she came in here believing that no one could possibly understand what she had gone through and in Kotoko's she straight up said if the person is human they'll understand. So, again not surprising that when faced with any criticisms of these characters actions most discussion turned into delegitimizing the lived experiences of hundreds if not thousands of people because they disagree with the characters actions.

Like either a lot of people think memories are really short and no one would hold a grudge that long over something like that which- They picked the right time but the wrong guy because I am petty enough to hold that grudge to the very end. I think a lot of people are. If anyone else isn't I got enough spite to share.

I'm on that crabs in a bucket mentality if anyone kills my mood this year I'm making sure they end up lower than me even if I need to put them in the ground myself. I know this isn't a good mentality to have but I simply don't care anymore. I don't have much kindness to spare on this. Some of this shit has been downright obnoxious.

Like I know I said let's be reasonable but before I defend their asses let me be honest for a second. If I could kill Mu I would. But Gunsli why-

Um- Because of what she instigated with Haruka.

"What are you going to do about this? Haruka-kun died. Hey, guard. You knew this would happen, right?"

"I’ve told you what’s gonna happen."

"You knew this would happen, right?"

Mu Second Voice Drama Queen B 12:36s,

"Ah- but if you don't forgive me Haruka-kun will die, so I think it'd be best to not do that."

"The stabbing of the little devil’s voice, counterattack being a suicide note."

(hanging) or (stabbed)?? Which will it be~

The image on the board is basically asking will the person the board in addressed to end their own life or will they be murdered. Like I am not going to ignore all the foreshadowing alluding to the fact that Mu pushes people into taking their lives from the flowers on her victims desk to the writing on the board.

die die die die die die die die die DIE Thanks for all the fun times we’ve had! The flowers are a present for you!

I won't be ignoring the fact that she more than likely did the same to Haruka as well either. Something that I'm still mad about because this dude was let down by Es and then used by Mu and is now dead despite saying multiple times he did not want to die. Fuck her for that one, fuck her for even saying this,

What are you going to do about this? Haruka-kun died. Hey, guard. You knew this would happen, right?

So, I want to vote her guilty on that shit alone.

I would have to be stupid to actually let her spin this to be on Es or the audience. She could've stopped him just like we could have. She decided proving her point was worth more than Haruka's life. She decided that the only way that he could be a true friend was through doing this.

Still, Haruka said he was fine being used in this way in his second voice drama. So, a bit of the fault lies on him there. This is how he choose to live and end his life after all. Regardless of if it was due to Mu's influence or not. Yet, that's the point of doing this. It's seeing how far can the audience agree with Mu's mentality of,

"I didn't engage in it I was just complacent in it so I'm not the bad one. I didn't do anything wrong."

Can that really still hold water when she's taken something from the audience? Yet, at the end of the day she did nothing to intervene, to help anyone, and she benefitted from not helping. Milgram is being really kind by picking the one time she actively killed someone given the implications of It's Not My Fault with all the broken pieces scattered about.

Okay Gunsli how do you defend all that why not just say vote her guilty. Ahn, because it's Mu. Like look it's Mu she's always been like this. So much so that when It's Not My Fault dropped and she was voted guilty her va went to get ramen then Yamanaka said I guess they're finally seeing the sort of person Mu is. She is just like this. Like hear me out I know that's not a defense.

But honestly it's the only one I have for Kotoko and Mu.

They may be terrible people, they may do the same things over and over, they may never learn. Yet, forgiveness isn't something given with the expectation someone will change it's given to accept the person they are. Forgiveness doesn't change anyone's nature it just displays what the one forgiving is willing to let go and for who they are willing to let it go for. They are no different from the other prisoners and many people fail to realize that the issues they see in them are in every other character here.

They're just more honest about it.

Mu this entire time has just been being herself fully and with no restraint. She's said I should have picked my friends more wisely right after saying she wanted to see her friends

Q.11 Who do you want to see right now?

Mu: I miss my friends too- But most of all, Papa and Mama.

Q.18 Do you regret anything?

Mu: I think maybe I should have chosen my friends a bit more carefully.

Implying the friend she choose poorly was her victim not the other friends she had who were bullies. She still wants to hangout with those people and do the same shit.

Kotoko has blatantly said she's not experienced the same things she punishes evil for inflecting on the weak,

Q.18 Have you ever personally been persecuted in the past?

Kotoko: I haven’t. But are you trying to say that if you haven’t had those experiences you can’t hate evildoers?

She openly disparages weaklings

"From the beginning I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing earth closer to peace. Useless weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

That's just how they are and it's exactly the sort of mentality fans that have watched them for years now. Something they've picked up on and to an extent some of them believe is completely okay. That's why it's really difficult to defend it for me personally because it reminds me of the question on the Milgram website,

Source

Because the question isn't Guilty or Innocent to forgive or not. The question has always been what judging something like that does to the person judging it. What it leads to people being willing to allow. Many didn't question what the harm in forgiving was before this trial began or what merit a guilty verdict could have. What it meant to allow something into society or not.

Though from the beginning that was always what Milgram was about. It's not just three trials to look into the prisoners and how they develop but how the audience develops as well. What will the observer be able to justify by the end of this. How much can a person lose themselves trying to defend their ego?

How are people supposed to judge the acts of others when they don't want to reflect on themselves? What is the purpose of a judgement given halfway? How can it be easy to find forgiveness for the same thing just done by a different person. Who does forgiveness save outside of the one giving it.

In the black community there's a heavy focus on forgiving one's who wrong you not because they deserve forgiveness but because holding onto anger has negative repercussions on the one holding onto it. This creates an environment where people believe they never have to apologize for the things they've done because it's on the one wronged to just let it go and move with love. It's used to excuse the many forms of emotional abuse and exploitation black family puts on each other.

Because that way the one wronged becomes the one in the wrong if they get upset about it. They can say holding onto anger or grudges says more about the one doing it than the one who wronged them. Not many characters in Milgram have apologized for their actions. Off of the top of my head the only one's who have are Mu and Mikoto. Everyone else despite some being guilty have not.

The fact is in many cultures not just black culture forgiveness is something expected to be given not something to be considered. Most people in their lives have been told or told themselves to be the bigger person regardless of if the other person apologized or not. Then the same people who will never say sorry to others will expect a apology from those around them for simply existing.

This is one of the reasons I believe that any attempt for either of their fans to team up would really make it so much easier to go fuck those people over there because both groups reputations from last trial are literally shit and they've done nothing but make it worse for themselves before the commencement notice has even come out. Due to being exactly like what I just described above. Willing to cast blame and never take accountability.

But that's just my assessment of the situation based on what I know about people and how much they like when others go,

"I told you so; I told you to vote Mu innocent and look what happened because you didn't listen to me!" "I SAID IT- I said vote Kotoko innocent so there would at least be someone to intervene with Amane. She already said she had no issue punishing kids if she was innocent this wouldn't have happened I told you!" "No one ever listens to me I said it then and I'm gonna say it again now! All of you should have known better; you all caused this! If you only-"

"Hey..why don't you listen to me...? I'm telling you... Hey...HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"/ "From the begin I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing earth closer to peace. Useless WEAKLINGS should just shut up and let me protect them!"

Lol, laugh my ass off even. Of course no one wants to give them a chance some of us have had to experience enough of what their mentalities are like in real life at this point. But that's not because of what they did that's because of our distaste for the people they are. The same reasons we can find to forgive the other prisoners can be attributed to Mu and Kotoko.

Mahiru admitted that Kotoko like her was acting because she had something she could not concede. Kotoko stated that when she was Amane's age she was already the person she is today. Agreeing with Amane's assessment she shouldn't be treated any differently because she was a kid. Even though she used this as an excuse to treat her with more scrutiny. Yet, this is the same thing Es and the audience did.

They have consistently used the idea of Amane's age to excuse how they vote her regardless of if it's Guilty or Innocent. Mu was a bully just like Futa. She wanted attention like Haruka did. She wanted love and acceptance like Mahiru. She felt betrayed, abandoned, unseen and ignored unneeded. Like all the other prisoners here. She felt entitled to something that no one had to give her like everyone else here.

The reasons people can find it in them to vote the others Innocent or forgive them can all be applied to the both of them. I think when discussing any prisoner people forget this.

#milgram #gunsli rambles

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suffarustuffaru · 1 year ago

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what is your opinion on the fact that tappei intended us to hate reinhard for killing theresia

hello!! :o im not sure if tappei really Intended for us to hate reinhard for that per say—i think more so tappei intends to show the astrea drama in general in a very nuanced manner (unless he proves me wrong and does weird stuff to develop them later on wjfnd but ill stand by this atm because theres a lot of textual evidence i think!!)

the arc 5 astrea drama is the very first time we learn about Any of that, and the way we learn it is interesting. this is AFTER getting attached to reinhard and wilhelm, who prior to arc 5 were established to be good well meaning and respectable people. then heinkel comes in claiming they both did shitty stuff, and of course heinkel makes the worst impression of all time, is shitty himself, AND interrupted wilhelm and reinhards reunion, so we’re not inclined to side with heinkel here. but the more we learn about the astrea family conflict, the more we realize, alongside subaru, that 1. wilhelm is not as great as he seems to be (its like learning that a close family member or friend has done some terrible stuff!! the common reaction to it is to feel Disappointed or Sad or maybe a little angry!!) and subaru also learns that 2. the entire situation is not black and white. it takes a heavy emotional toll on wilhelm, heinkel, and reinhard.

it’s also interesting that we dont Always learn info about it directly from the family members themselves—theresias dead of course and doesnt say much when she briefly comes back (more on this later), reinhard becomes more subdued around his family (which has gotta be a trauma response in an attempt to minimize the conflict), heinkel and wilhelm are unreliable narrators driven by their emotions. we learn some of the bulk of the drama from JULIUS, an outsider, but someone with ties to reinhard personally and the knights. so we’re also getting unreliable info about someone like heinkel (whos got a reputation thats honestly shittier than even his behavior, which i pity him for), and someone like reinhard is extremely hard to read (we just know that hes. you know. Traumatized. and Sad.)

i DO think though that throughout all of this we’re supposed to sympathize with EVERY astrea family member. every single one. we’re meant to understand each of their actions, because they all contribute to the family dysfunction unwillingly or consciously.

we’re given the reasoning behind almost all of their actions in the conflict. wilhelm lashed out because of grief, and hes spent years regretting what he did and not knowing how to fix things. heinkel’s an alcoholic from stress, trauma, and self-hatred, and post-arc 5 we see more of his psyche (which is shown in a very honest sympathetic light as well, hinting at heinkel getting future development and most likely a redemption arc). heinkel then lashes out (which is a Sad pattern in this family given wilhelm also does that... and its implied that heinkel is also like this Because of wilhelm's influence) to deal with all of this too (and because he Genuinely thinks those things now. hes a sad bitter man). we also know from side stories that heinkel used to be a good man who truly loved reinhard, and we do know that heinkel still loves louanna and has spent YEARS searching for a cure. as for reinhard, he was a CHILD (five when it first started!!) throughout almost all of this conflict, and hes the youngest member of his family and still young even as he’s grown up now. and he certainly didnt Intend to kill his own grandma when he was five, and he definitely deals with the guilt of all that years later. he shuts down around his family in the present, for one. and two—reinhard was failed by his family members, who have been ADULTS for the entire conflict and are his father and grandfather respectively. if anything, reinhard has the least blame here. he was a child!! a child thats been conditioned into serving the kingdom at All Costs to himself!! heinkel and wilhelms grief is understandable but it should not cost them their literal child!! they were the ones with the responsibility to pull themselves together and they failed to do that!!

but then reinhard kills theresia.

the thing with reinhard killing theresia is that reinhard was very much not wrong for that. tappei takes the time to show corpse soldier theresia going after heinkel and wilhelm—both of which are too weak in this moment physically and emotionally to stop theresia, WHO IS THEIR MOTHER AND WIFE RESPECTIVELY. and iirc wilhelm was also injured by her. heinkel pisses himself in fear while begging for her to stop—or something along those lines. its Terrifying. and it shows theresia, as she was in that moment, is a threat!! what else was reinhard going to do?? if he doesnt apprehend theresia, shes going to kill the rest of their family T^T

yeah so. reinhard kills theresia. afterwards, heinkel and wilhelm give reinhard shit for it but again, they were going to DIE if reinhard hadnt stepped in. and its clear that reinhard is saddened by what he had to do, even as he says that the corpse soldier theresia ISNT THERESIA. and reinhard is technically kind of right!! that was a corpse soldier!! she was both theresia (her last words to wilhelm are proof of this) and Not Theresia (she already died years ago!! this was a reanimated corpse!!).

its wilhelm and heinkel that misinterpret reinhard’s demeanor as him Not Caring. because he does care, but reinhard has always had an uncanny personality—likely partly because of trauma (remember how i said he shuts down a bit around his family? common trauma response) and partly because of reinhard’s endless divine protections giving him a very. Unique. perspective on everything. so reinhard has difficulty with connecting with others because of all of that. hes Really hard to read, especially in a complicated situation like this where its basically a lose-lose for everyone involved. wilhelm and heinkel are blinded by their grief and fear and anger and because reinhard 1. killed theresia, 2. said that that Wasnt Theresia, and 3. said he didnt regret killing theresia and 4. said that he did the right thing (which is probably because, again, what else could he do, theresia was going to kill heinkel and wilhelm)... yeah so wilhelm and heinkel read reinhard as being cold and unfeeling and callous so they both completely give up on reinhard in this moment. the coffin is. metaphorically and literally closed here, reinhard killing theresia (again. for the second time. if youre heinkel and wilhelm) was the very last nail.

and ultimately like. again, tappei gives us All the narrative tools to understand each member of the astrea family in this conflict. tappei also even notes the detail (iirc. in like a qna somewhere. if someone can find it or whatever please feel free to add!!) of theresia, on her death bed in arc 5, had nothing to say to reinhard and heinkel. its kind of. weird. when she makes SURE that wilhelm knows that she loves him but she doesnt even bother with her son and grandson - and heinkel does note that she looked at them "hatefully" (which. heinkel is an unreliable narrator, but its interesting for tappei to include that detail because heinkel also goes "she looked at us like That, who else could that be but mother?"). so uh. astrea family dynamics are complicated, have likely always been complicated even before everything went wrong with them, and tappei also gives us theresias full backstory in her pov in arc 5. AND he shows that the corpse soldier was still. Theresia. in the end. its extremely complicated. tappei takes the time to show that with every detail.

so anyway. yeah i feel like we're meant to sympathize with everyone in the astrea family. theyre all people with their own flaws, theyve all contributed in some way to the conflict whether they like it or not, they all have various degrees of blame, if you really want to go into whos the Most Guilty for all the dysfunction. even poor louanna contributed indirectly via falling into a coma T^T

but i dont think tappei means for us to like hate any of them. just because tappei Always shows how complicated the situation is. tappei is Always sympathetic to all astrea members as much as tappei also often calls them out for their flaws (heinkel is the most obvious example, tappei also does it with theresia and wilhelm a bit, and reinhard is shown to be a bit stilted in social situations with a habit of stomping on other peoples boundaries sometimes without realizing or because he thinks its for the other persons good, etc). and as much as i love making jokes at wilhelms expense because he did fuck up quite a Lot with his family (same with heinkel... and im a little sus of theresia but she Did care about heinkel in the past, we know that from her named chapter)...

like. i can understand where someone like wilhelm is coming from. do i hate him for lashing out at his five year old grandson and helping turn his son against his grandson? oh yeah. yeah. but i can Understand why he did it and i feel bad for him, which i think was more so tappei's goal here. so the audience can hate any of these characters if you so feel like it, but tappei means for us to deeply deeply get where they're coming from and why they did what they did. so maybe its more so that we're not supposed to hate these characters, maybe we're just supposed to hate Their Actions and wish that things didnt turn out that way. because it couldve been better at any turn - wilhelm couldve just not lashed out and blamed reinhard when he was five, heinkel couldve also pulled himself together, louanna didnt have to go into a coma, theresia didnt have to die twice, etc etc. but thats the point of it all i think. it turned for the worse but all we can do is try to think about How it turned out this way. and i pity all of them, really.

plus, reinhard, wilhelm, heinkel are 1000% getting some kind of further development with this, i'd say. and rezero is Repeatedly about forgiveness and growth, so yeah. i absolutely dont think we're supposed to fully hate any of them. if anything, im rooting for their growth before its. you know. Too Late. but yeah thats just my extremely long opinion/feelings on all of this, people are totally free to disagree of course :o !! hope that answers your question though!!

#rezero #re:zero #ask #reinhard van astrea #theresia van astrea #wilhelm van astrea #heinkel astrea #arc 5 spoilers

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all-eyes-lead-to-the-truth · 2 months ago

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All Eyes Lead to the Truth | all things (7x17)

Daniel watches Maggie storm out of his hospital room, but it’s only Dana he is truly focused on. And now, they’re alone.

“She's ... been through some difficult times and she's very angry,” he tells Dana as she stands with her hands on her hips.

“How did she even find out?”

Ah, the elephant in the room. The thing they’d dodged since he laid eyes on her after so many years. It hangs around them like a shroud– dark, erotic. Unspoken.

“There are things you don't know,” Daniel says. “Things I'm not proud of.”

Dana’s eyes soften as she takes a few steps toward him. “What things?”

He shifts his gaze to the ceiling, not wanting to look at her when he admits what had happened. “I screwed up, Dana. Things got bad at home after…”

When he looks back, he sees her rolling the doctor’s stool to his bedside so she can sit. She looks uncomfortable, which was never his intent, even if it was inevitable considering the happenstance of this moment.

“Bad how?” she asks, her eyes skittish.

“I haven't been completely honest with you.” He keeps his own gaze from her as well in an attempt not to be overcome by emotion. “It was hard for me... when you walked away. Shut down from my family and needless to say, it was very difficult for Barbara.”

“You divorced.”

“Only after an interminable period of discomfort for us both.”

He still hasn’t looked at her. He can’t. He’s ashamed. Ashamed that he had driven her away and that the broken heart he was left with had done the same to his family.

“Where did you go?”

Their eyes shift away and back as he tells her. “Here. Washington.”

“When?” she asks, this time searching his eyes for the truth.

“Almost ten years ago.”

“Daniel…” she says, and it evokes in him memories of the times she’d said it in the past. Better times. There’s emotion in her voice when she speaks again. “You didn't move here for me?”

His voice is a whisper. “I didn't mean for it to happen this way, of course.”

Dana’s face changes. Her eyebrows furrow and there’s the hint of a smile, though there is no happiness behind it. She exhales something close to a laugh. “Oh, God.”

They look at each other– searching, trying to understand and be understood– before she closes her eyes to him. Her tongue trails across her lips, the way he remembers from a different hospital, a different lifetime.

When her eyes open, they are glassy. She shakes her head, gathering her words. “You've come at such a strange time.”

He wants to comfort her. He never wanted anything other than to take care of her. “I know, I know. You… you have a life.”

She shakes her head, eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I don't know what I have.”

He can hear her struggle to hold in her tears and he feels no different, lying there in this bed, hooked to wires and tubes, still full of love for a woman he’d thought he would never see again.

“I mean…” She laughs a little as she looks anywhere but him. “Your X-rays were in the wrong envelope. I never would have even known you were here if it wasn't for a mix-up.” Her lips pull up into a surprised smile. “It's just…”

“What do you want, Dana?”

“I want everything I should want at this time of my life,” she says and he watches tears drip down her cheeks. “Maybe I want the life I didn't choose.”

He holds out his hand, which she regards with uncertainty before finally intertwining her fingers with his. She leans forward and lies her head on his chest. Daniel finally takes a breath and closes his eyes.

***

He was married with a daughter. He was in no way unattached. He was far too many years her senior. He was well regarded in his profession. He’d seen his colleagues with their assistants and their interns and their students, and he was well aware that he had reached the age of becoming a stereotype– the midlife crisis manifesting in the desire for someone new, someone young.

They were valid reasons. Reasons why some might say what he was planning was a terrible idea. But none of that mattered to him, because Dana was leaving for Washinton, and he couldn’t let that happen.

Because the truth was, he was deeply– desperately– in love with her.

It was her intelligence and curiosity that had drawn him in. She made him remember why he’d become a doctor. She looked up to him, like he alone held all the secrets of medicine. Like together they could save every patient.

He’d thought it was a crush– brought on by her youth and passion to a field that he’d dedicated his life to– but it was more than that. It had always been more than that. Even before things changed, before they’d kissed, before he’d touched her. It was in her eyes. One look from Dana, and Daniel felt fortified, strong enough to go on with his life. Strong enough to face anything.

He couldn’t let her go. He needed her, and if she loved him as much as he hoped, she would realize that medicine– and with him– was where she belonged.

His fingers played on the small square box in the pocket of his lab coat. So much would need to change before they could commit to each other, but as he watched her walk down the hall to where he stood, he hoped she would understand. That she would stand by him as he worked things out.

He hoped that she would see that what he was asking, the future he had in sight, was a life they could choose together.

Read the rest of All Eyes Lead to the Truth on Archive of Our Own!

@fridaysat9

#all eyes lead to the truth #x files fanfic #x files #the x files #fanfic #mulder #scully #msr #season seven #s7 #7x17 #all things #daniel waterston

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practically-an-x-man · 11 months ago

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The High Priestess, The Chariot, Strength, The Hanged Man, Death The Moon, Judgment, The Hierophant in Reverse, Justice in Reverse,The Star In Reverse for Nikoletta and Jimmy?

Oh wow thank you so much!!

Major Arcana Inspired Character Asks

The High Priestess: When has trusting their instincts paid off for your character?

Nikoletta: Pretty much her whole life has been rooted in trusting her instincts. If she didn't trust her gut, she'd probably have ended up blindsided and beaten, even killed, in Belle Reve. She's only alive because she knows how to trust her gut.

Jimmy: Let's be honest, his instincts are terrible. Well, more accurately, his instincts are fine, he just has a habit of getting so caught up in his hopes and desires that he pushes those instincts to the side. In most regular situations, his instincts have kept him safe in a lot of ways, but as soon as his emotions start to get in the way, he gets himself in trouble (like we see in Francesca - it wasn't that he didn't know things could go wrong, he just really wanted to believe they wouldn't)

The Chariot: What goal is your character determined to reach?

Nikoletta: She doesn't really set goals for herself - she knows all too well that life can be turned on its head at a moment's notice - but subconsciously she's just driven to find security in her life.

Jimmy: He's determined to pull his life, or at least some semblance of it, back together. We see this in Francesca, of course, his journey from a shapeless ghost to the human, tangible form he is presently, but that's not the end of it. He wasn't ready to leave his life, and he's determined to grab this second chance by the horns.

Strength: On what issue is your character persistent?

Nikoletta: She's persistent about keeping herself safe, sometimes through any means necessary. Whether that means reinventing herself, instilling fear in others, pushing her emotions and personality aside, anything to keep her alive and safe.

Jimmy: Similar to the prior question, he's persistent in finding or building a new sort of life for himself.

The Hanged Man: When has your character needed to step back and look at things from a different perspective?

Nikoletta: When she first started living together with Abner after everything in Corto Maltese, she had to step back and reexamine the habits she'd built in Belle Reve. Closing herself off and snapping at her living partner may have worked to build an illusion of power in Belle Reve, but now it just threatens to fracture the trust she's built with Abner. They both had to adjust to a normal domestic lifestyle, since neither of them had really had that before.

Jimmy: Watching the world change around him has definitely inspired him to look at things from a new perspective, especially when it comes to increasingly-accepting views on diversity.

Death: When has your character had to let go of something in their life?

Nikoletta: She accepted very early on that she wouldn't ever get to be a kid, since she had to grow up quickly to keep the household running (especially after her father died, and she had to support herself while finishing high school). She's gotten comfortable with the idea, though sometimes she does see a kid doing some fun childhood thing and it makes her inwardly grieve a little since she never got the chance to make those memories.

Jimmy: In his life, he had to let go of the idea that he'd eventually be able to find love and get married, since he knew the society around him would do anything to keep that from happening. It got more painful as he grew older and watched his friends find partners, but he generally learned to accept that he wouldn't be able to live a life like that

The Moon: When has your character’s path been unclear?

Nikoletta: Any transitional period in her life: when she first got out of STAR Labs, when she first entered Belle Reve, when she first started living with Abner, etc.. After a while, she starts to carve out a path for herself by force of will, but those immediate big changes in her life definitely result in a lot of uncertainty at first.

Jimmy: Again, when he first became a ghost and wasn't sure how much of himself he'd be able to recover. He fought hard, but he still wasn't sure how far he'd get, or why he'd even become a ghost in the first place.

Judgment: Has your character ever been given a second chance?

Nikoletta: She'd argue that her opportunity for a secure life after Corto Maltese was more of a first chance, since life pretty much chewed her up and spit her out before that.

Jimmy: His whole story is about how he's been given a second chance at life and love, next question.

The Hierophant in Reverse: When has your character’s personal beliefs been challenged?

Nikoletta: She viewed herself as an overall decent person up until her dad's death - childhood struggles or not, she was generally polite and made friends with all the stray cats and helped out in her community, and she believed she was a pretty good person. Then her dad died, and she had to turn to her voodoo scam just to make money, then even that escalated into home break-ins when she was short on money... and she couldn't really believe she was a good person at the core of it anymore. And of course, everything she did in Belle Reve only shattered what little glimmers of that still remained.

Jimmy: He was raised to be a Christian, if only by circumstance, and so he believed in a concept of Heaven and Hell - he even believed, despite all that homophobic rhetoric around him, that he might've been a good enough person to make it into Heaven. Instead he became a ghost, with no proof of either realm's existence. That definitely twisted things up a bit for him.

Justice in Reverse: When has your character been treated unfairly or cruelly?

Nikoletta: Well, the justice system is already known to be incredibly biased against both women and People of Color, as well as there being a disproportionate financial bias against People of Color, so... systemically, a lot of her life has been defined by unfairness and cruelty. Not to mention the way she was treated while in Belle Reve - if she hadn't built up such a reputation for herself, it could have been even worse than it already was.

Jimmy: Yeah... a lot of these answers boil down to the same event. He was killed out of bigotry, which is really the ultimate display of cruelty and unfairness.

The Star in Reverse: When has your character lost faith?

Nikoletta: She's not a person with much faith to begin with, but I'd say she lost the last of her already-limited faith in humanity when she was captured in STAR Labs. Just the idea that anyone could be cruel enough to do such terrible things without even the slightest hint of remorse... that was the nail in the coffin.

Jimmy: See above answer about personal beliefs

#my friends!!!#answered asks #ask game #my ocs #nikoletta bordeaux #jimmy luciano

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thetempleofthemasaigoddess · 2 years ago

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Vassal of the King (part 6)

Frerin x OFC

Author's annotations are here! (moodboard)

*****

Frerin is one hundred and fifteen years old on the night he confides his secret to Verdandi.

The wedding celebrations have concluded a few hours ago. Frerin and Verdandi are alone in their new house, barely bigger than the room he has lived in until yesterday, not to mention they are still only renting it; but it is theirs, to live in and furnish and decorate as they want, not to mention that squeezing is not exactly a problem for them. Verdandi's sister, Skuld, has scattered flower petals on the marriage bed, a common auspicious gesture for newlyweds, while their mother, mistress Sygin, has used a new broom to sweep the floor of the main room, simbolically banishing negative emotions and memories out of the house; the task is traditionally carried out by the groom's mother or another female relative, but given the situation, they had to improvise.

Verdandi is only half dressed. She was perplexed when Frerin (Fjalar; her Fjalar, her husband) who had just carried her on the bed and started kissing her in a way that made her head spin, suddenly broke away from her and told he has a secret to confess.

Even through she would trust him with her life (she has already trusted him with her heart, which for Verdandi was much more precious and difficult) and he has reassured her he has nothing tragic to hide, Verdandi's mind was suddenly seized by a thousand fears. He is going to tell her that he is already married to someone else. That he has children waiting for him. That he is drowning in debt and that soon they will end up panhandling in the streets. That he has killed someone and there is a bounty on his head.

She would have expected almost anything; but not this.

"Can you say that again?" she asks; she is stammering, perhaps for the first time in her life "I think... I think I have misheard..."

Fjalar has never told her about his family. All Verdandi knows is that he has lost his parents long ago and he has no close relatives, and that his family has travelled far and wide for many years, which is the reason why he has never had a proper home. Is it a strange story, and it did not take her long to realize it could not be the whole truth, that the gaps in that explaination hid something important. His reticence both hurt and worried her (should two lovers not be sincere with each other?... unless they had something very dramatic to hide?) but she has always kept her questions to herself: she trusts Fjalar and respects his secrets. So many Dwarves come from broken homes, losing their parents as children, suffering abuse by the hands of their relatives or even being abandoned because the family could not afford another mouth to feed, and she has convinced herself this is the sort of situation her beloved had left behind him, and that he had never shared with her to spare himself the pain.

She could not have been more wrong.

Fjalar, sitting on the bed by her side, takes her hands in his; he is breathtakingly handsome, in his blue tunic and the wedding braids in his hair, and more serious than Verdandi has ever seen him.

"My name is not Fjalar." he repeats "Or rather, it has only been so for little more than forty years. I was born Frerin, son of Thráin, son of Thrór... King di Erebor."

Verdandi is happy she is sitting, because she feels about to faint. A march of several weeks separates Tharak Bazan from the Mountain, and as far as she knows her clan has never mantained more than occasional commercial relations with the Line of Durin (or at least, such was the state of affairs when Erebor was still inhabited by her people) but all Dwarves know the story of the coming of the dragon, and the terrible fate that befell the once proudest of the Dwarven clans. She had felt compassion for them, those Dwaves she had never met, driven out of their land, forced to build a new life for themselves or to wander around in search of a way to reclaim their homeland...

And now a Dwarf of that very line is there, next to her, just a few hours after swearing before Mahal to love and protect her as long as he lived; a Dwarf who knows her like no one ever has, and who is able to make her forget her own name with a simple kiss.

And not just any Dwarf.

Verdandi's hands fall from her husband's; she is flabbergasted, and while she knew today was the day her life would change forever, she had no idea how. "You are... a prince."

"No. Well, not anymore. I..."

"A prince. Oh, Mahal..."

"Verdandi, please; listen to me." Fjalar (Frerin) implores; yes, this is what he is doing, he is begging her, as if afraid he is going to lose her in a moment; he has never looked so scared, and powerless, in this night that should be the happiest of their lives. He takes her in his arms, and Verdandi lets him, because despite all the confusion and the sudden fear (and the anger; she would not demand he share every single moment of his past, but he has been lying about his own name?!) there is no place in the world she would rather be than wherever her husband is. She loves him; she loves him with all her heart, and nothing can ever change that.

His expression is somber, but also somehow relieved; the expression of a Dwarf who feels an heavy burden being taken off his shoulders.

"As you probably know, the dragon Smaug invaded Erebor and forced us to flee from our home, with little more than the clothes on our back. I am not a prince; not anymore, that is. I have to earn my keep working like any other Dwarf in this city."

Verdandi nods, trying to recall the little she knows about the Line of Durin and what had become of its people. "You... you have a brother, do you not?" she asks, and immediately wishes she had not when she sees the heartbreak on her husband's face "The one they call Oakenshield."

Thorin. The simple thought of him, of the disappointment he must have felt after that night, is a knife in Frerin's heart. How he misses his brother, how he wishes he could see him again... even though he knows nothing would change, because he has not. "It is true." he answers, as calmly as he can "Thorin is my older brother. And I also have a sister, Dís, and many cousins."

"Oh."

Frerin brushes his fingers against his wife's cheek; she is so beautiful, he reflects, but that is only one of the many reasons he knows he will never be able to live without her. "You are wondering why I am not with them, sharing their struggles and destiny."

"Well, yes..."

"It is very simple; it is because I am a coward."

"Fjalar..."

Frerin shakes his head; he knows she is going to try and comfort him, and he does not want her to, because he does not deserve it. "No; please, this is the truth, and I cannot escape from it. When we lost Erebor... I was only a boy, but this does not excuse my behaviour, since most of us were and Thorin himself was barely an adult. For years we have wandering the wilderland, attempting to raise an army to conquer Moria..."

Verdandi bites her lip; she knows her husband is talking about the battle of Azanulbizar, and she also knows it is not an happy story. She is still wearing the shift matching her wedding dress, the one she sewed herself because she was too embarassed to ask for her mother's help on an item like that, one meant to be admired and then quickly taken off her.

"We won; but it was a meaningless victory, paid for with the blood of so many Dwarves. My grandfather had died, my father had disappeared, and I, at seventy-two, was the heir of a people without an homeland. It was too big of a weight for me, for my shoulders; I had seen so much pain, and blood, and death, on that day, and I... I could not take it anymore. I ran, like a thief; I thought of myself and only myself, I turned my back on my family and my people. Frerin died on that day, and Fjalar was born.

Verdandi does not speak; she has listened intently, thinking that this is not how she had imagined she would spend her first night as a married woman. She looks at Frerin, still holding her, and gently takes his face in her hands; he loves those hands, hands whose touch can be both gentle and sensual, hands in which the prince without a kingdom has found comfort and a peace he thought he had lost forever. He has never felt so lost, now that he should be at his happiest, alone with the woman he has just married; he knows Verdandi enough to know she will not condamn him for what he has confessed, that she will understand and console him, and that makes him feel even worse.

"I have never wanted to lie to you." he murmurs "And I should have told you about it sooner; I know. But my past does not matter, you see? I am ashamed of what I did, but I still believe I made the right choice. I have renounced Erebor, and my people; now in front of me there is a future with you, Verdandi, and the children Mahal will give us. I wish for nothing else, or more. You are my wife, and I do not want there to be any secret between us; I promise I will never keep anything from you again."

He waits for an answer, but Verdandi does not have one to give, her heart so full of conficting emotions it hurts. She looks at her husband, her handsome and gentle Fjalar (because he will forever be Fjalar for her, whatever name he had received at birth) and she thinks that what they are living is almost too perfect to be real: the possibility to be honest with each other, to leave what was behind and build a future together. There is so much she would like to ask, about his youth, and his family, but she will not; maybe he will decide to tell her about it, and otherwise... otherwise she will keep her mouth shut.

She takes his face in her hands and kisses him, long, hard, until for the first time Frerin is the one moaning under him. How much he must have suffered, Verdandi thinks, still a boy and alone, convinced he did not deserve a home or friends, and spending so long atoning for sins no judge would ever condemn him for. But from now on, it will be different; from now on he will be happy, and serene, and free; she will take care of that. "You should have told me sooner." she whispers "But I do not care. I do not care if you are a prince or a beggar; I do not care about your name either. You are my husband, the Dwarf who I love and who loves me, and this is the only thing that matters to me."

The time for words is over, and the two focus on taking off each other's clothes, which gradually fall on the floor. Verdandi smiles, thrilled, as she slips out of her shift and lets Frerin have a long, nice look at her. "Had things gone differently..." she begins "You would have probably married a princess, or at least a lady of a great house."

Frerin smiles; he is already touching her like he knows she likes best. "Jealous, are you?"

"Should I be?"

"As I said, I am a prince in name only, without riches or powers; I do not even have a house of my own. I doubt the princesses and the ladies of the other six clans would fight over my hand."

"Mmmh, good for them..."

Verdandi laughs, and Frerin laughs with her as he pushes her on the bed and kisses her once more, intense and devout and passionate, and then moves downward on her body, his mouth on fire. "Wife." he whispers, as if testing the word on his tongue "Verdandi, my darling wife... I do not want a princess, or anyone else. The only one I need is you."

Verdandi believes him.

TAGGING @starlady66 and @elvenenby.

#Frerin #Frerin son of Thrain #Frerin son of Thráin #The Hobbit #The Lord of the Rings #Frerin x OFC #Frerin x OC #Bellona's stuff

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interpoleroo · 8 days ago

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A LONG OVERDUE UPDATE (bc I’m done w school and I have time now):

So his sibling was home which was kinda awkward for me but I know they’re pretty chill so it was too terrible I suppose (they left for the majority of what I’m focusing on). Basically we kinda js hung out in his room for like an hour kinda slowly getting undressed and cuddling n talking n stuff, and then I had to give head. (Dun dun dunnnnnn)

So, for some background, I have emetophobia which morphed into contamination OCD which has been giving me problems since I was 8. It sucks. Anyway, I rly rly hate gagging and giving head is literally js doing it recreationally. It’s AWFUL and rly scary and hard for me bc of my stupid mental illness. Like I js wanna make my bf happy but I can’t bc there’s smt wrong w my fucking brain. It’s hard.

I’m also a very driven person who’s very used to working thru pain right, like I literally did a years worth of competitive JO gymnastics on a broken back for gods sake, so I obviously try to suck it up and js do it. Welp. I start crying. It’s way worse than I thought it would be and I rly rly hated it.

At that point I didn’t rly want to continue bc I started having an anxiety attack for the aforementioned reasons. i love my bf though and I wanted to make him happy so I tried to keep going but I js couldn’t. I rly js couldn’t. So I’m sitting there, exposed and vulnerable in front of a concerned disappointed bf who clearly expected more js crying.

I felt a new kind of pathetic worthlessness then and I needed a sec to gather myself bc I violently murdered the vibe. The pause we took wasn’t rly long enough though bc I think he thought that js moving onto the actual thing would make it easier? It js made it painful bc we skipped foreplay for me. So we’re like tryna make it work but we couldn’t rly find a position that we could settle in so we never rly got used to the feeling long enough for the pain to go away. And then bc we rushed it and it wasn’t working, we both got a little panicky and decided to js stop. I did give him head til he came but it obviously sucked and then he came all over me which made me cry again while he was grabbing me a towel bc it made me feel like a used towel (I think, I actually haven’t rly figured out why yet).

I kinda rly needed like reassurance then that like he didn’t hate me and was not overtly upset w me, but he didn’t give that to me bc he was hungry and wanted to get fast food w me. I js agreed cause I didn’t wanna upset him more by forcing him to give me smt he didn’t want to.

But long story short, my poor boyfriend (who is a very sexual person and also a virgin like me I might add) was like stunned by how badly it went. It’s funny now but it was honestly concerning then. It js kinda shook us both up I think. He had high expectations that were totally obliterated, and I had low expectations that honestly were also bludgeoned. So all in all our first time sucked. He’s been my best friend for three years though so it’s not like we hate each other or anything cause we talked extensively about it after and cleared everything up abt our feelings n all that crap. But we’re treating it as a learning experience so that next time we try (and we will) will hopefully be even slightly better.

Oh btw I focused so hard on my emotions, I may have made my bf seem like a dick in this, but uh he’s not and he always does a great job handling me. We love each other very much we js happen to be sad experienced ex-virgins who both didn’t rly know what was happening…it was like doing a group project where one person was given half the directions and the other was given the other half and they had to sync them yk. Anyway, hopefully next time will be better 😭 it’s pretty funny now though lmao

I’m losing my virginity on Tuesday

What an odd thing to have scheduled, such a big thing written down as a mundane weekday chore. Pretty crazy

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beels-burger-babe · 4 years ago

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I Burn For You

***So THIS has been stuck in my head all day and I just- I love it. I love it so much. And it reminded me...So you guys all know how I hate/love Lucifer...it gave me those vibes. So........... Well I haven't written anything actually relevant to The Facade of the Suitor or anything else that I've been procrastinating, I have been able to push out this little short inspired by this beauty of a duet that is EVERYTHING to me. -B***

Summary: Since MC's arrival, Lucifer and them have never fully gotten along. There was always a large, unknown and undiscussed tension between them and they were fine to keep it that way. But when MC's security in the Devildom is threatened by both the angels and the nobility of the Devildom itself, everything changes. As a ruse to persuade the celestial realm, MC and Lucifer wed. After the ceremony, they finally talk about the unacknowledged feelings burning inside of both of them.

MC x Lucifer

The air hung heavy and thick like the gold bands that now decorated both of your fingers.

You and Lucifer stood on opposite sides of the room, your backs facing one another with nothing but silence between you.

You couldn't help but reminisce on how you got here, on your supposed 'honeymoon' married to none other but the prideful, arrogant, avatar of sin, Lucifer Morningstar himself.

Diavolo had burst into the House of Lamentation an entire month ago. He desperately explained how the angels had received word about you through the fond, innocent-intending, stories of Luke and we're demanding that you be 'released' from your 'imprisonment in the infernal Devildom and that they wished to cleanse you of the 'hellish corruption' the demons had 'forced upon you' through your pacts. Wanting to avoid yet another Celestial War, even on a small scale, the noble court had wanted to agree and simply hand you over to them, cut your pacts, and banish you from returning as an act of agreement and co-operation with the angels.

Obviously, this didn't sit well with you or any of the brothers.

You had all tried to come up with a number of plans, but they all promised retaliation from the angels.

Eventually, it was Lucifer himself who begrudgingly came up with the final plan. The angels wouldn't believe you if you simply told them that you liked it here and wanted to stay. They'd think you were charmed or manipulated. However, if the two of you worked together, and pretended to be in a relationship, convince the angels of your 'genuine' feelings and prove to them that you were in love, and finalize this by marrying Lucifer, it just might work.

First of all, love was something that had sparked war in the past, that both sides had learned from and had grown to deeply treasure and value. Secondly, Micheal, head Archangel of the Celestial Realm, trusted Lucifer the most of all the brothers. The two of you could take advantage of that use it to convince him that you were actually safer in the Devildom by Lucifer's side. And finally, if you were willingly bound by marriage, there was very little that the Celestial Realm could do to force you to leave.

The plan wasn't terrible, but there was one thing about it that caused you to clench your fists and grind your teeth: it was with Lucifer.

Lucifer who constantly teased you and pushed your buttons in a way that he knew would cause you to either give in to him or snap.

Lucifer who was cruel and sadistic and did nothing unless there was some personal gain or it was under the demand of his precious Diavolo.

Lucifer who never ever put anything before his own stupid pride.

Though you were normally a calm and positive person, there was just something about Lucifer that had always caused an inferno of anger and rebellion to burn within you. You felt this strong need to constantly prove him wrong and to defy him.

As a result, the two of you consistently butted heads, arguing about Lucifer's treatment of his brothers and your recklessness on an almost weekly basis.

The idea of being chained to this...this demon for the rest of your mortal life caused your stomach to twist tightly into knots. Though, if it ensured you'd be able to stay with the rest of your found family? You'd make the necessary sacrifice.

So the two of you did the whole show. You went on dates, smiled and laughed together as though you were the lead roles in a Hallmark Christmas movie, and played every card in the book to convince the angels that you were safe and happy under the kind watch of your lover.

Those weeks had started off painful, as you pushed back all feelings of disdain for the eldest brother to play the role of the perfect partner. But as time passed, you hadn't noticed that it had become easier and easier to stay by his side. The smiles you gave him were no longer forced, but sincere ones that brought joy. The lines between what was real and what was fake began to blur.

You sealed the deal with your wedding only a few hours ago.

The vows Lucifer had spoken...promising to watch and protect you even as your skin wrinkled and your hair grew grey. To hold your hand and aid you when you no longer had the strength. To shower you in love and devotion even in your final hours.

They had been spoken with such passion and raw emotion that you didn't dare think too deeply about. It had caused your breath to catch in your throat, and you had to remind yourself that this was all an act. Soon the curtain would close, and Lucifer would return to the cold-hearted monster that you knew.

Yet even now, hours after the ceremony had finished, you couldn't get that intense gaze, and the sparks that exploded under your fingertips as his hands gently squeezed yours, out of your head.

Lucifer sighed from the other side of the room and glanced over at you. "Are we just going to continue ignoring each other?"

You scoffed and turned your head further away; ignoring the loud pounding of your heart and instead focusing on the flickers of frustration licking up your gut. "What else are we supposed to do? There's no one else around. The act is over."

You whirled around at his sarcasm and could practically feel the wrath blazing behind your eyes. "Sorry, my Lord, if I'm not exactly giddy about the fact that I just signed myself to the likes of you just for the approval of some fluffy winged assholes!"

You could practically hear Lucifer roll his eyes as he walked over to the liquor cart and poured himself a drink. "Right. So you just plan to spend the entirety of the weekend that Micheal paid for us brooding in a corner? How mature of you."

Lucifer, the fucker, had the gull to act unphased and casually swirled his drink in his hand. "It could be much, much worse," he took a sip of the amber liquid before staring down in his glass. "It's not as though you didn't agree to this."

"Only because I didn't want to be kicked out of the Devildom and never allowed to see your brothers again!" You growled. Your anger only grew as you noticed him clench his fingers tighter around the glass. You groaned and ran a hand through your hair. "This was a stupid plan! You probably just invented this entire ruse as yet another way to get under my skin. Well congratulations, Lucifer. You win!"

You refused to look at him, as you turned your heated gaze out the window.

You didn't see the flash of hurt that washed over his expression, nor hear the way his breath caught in his throat. "Is being married to me truly that awful? Are you honestly telling me that you haven't enjoyed even a single second of this past month?"

You tensed and crossed your arms over your chest, as you continued to avoid looking at him. "What kind of question is that? You're a demon who cares about nothing but himself," you pursed your lips and mentally tried to deny just how wrong those words felt on your tongue.

"I wouldn't say that's true. Believe it or not, I do care for my brothers." There was a shaky breath, one so uncharacteristic for the confident Morningstar, before he continued. "And you. I did promise to love you until your final breath after all, and I do not break my promises."

There was silence once again. Though this quiet seemed to crackle with the anticipation for something, though neither of you quite knew what.

You closed your eyes, refusing to acknowledge the flutter in your heart at his words. "Those vows were only part of the act. They weren't real."

"Perhaps not for you," your eyes snapped open at the response. You looked back at the demon. Lucifer stood leaning against the wall, drink still in hand, as he stared intensely at the floor. "This may have all been an act for you, MC, but it stopped being a ruse for me mere hours after we began."

You felt yourself frown as you stared at him. Your traitor heart dared to grow warm with hope, only adding fuel to the growing frustration inside you. "You're lying. You're just trying to get me worked up again."

"Actually, I'm not," his eyes met yours and it felt as though time froze. His expression was so unguarded, so honest. For once, you looked into his eyes and you could see every emotion that he wore openly before you. You could see the hurt, the certainty, and most of all the same passionate love that shone so brightly in them throughout the ceremony. "From the moment I met you, you caused a fire to ignite in my heart. I was determined to control you and to make you be the human representative for Diavolo. But then, you acted against me, and that changed. I still wanted to make sure that you fulfilling your purpose in the exchange program, but I took on the challenge of finally having you respect and listen to me. You were stubborn and fierce, yet so beautifully driven and I admired that." your eyes widened at the admission. "It wasn't until I was forced to look at you in a romantic light for this scheme that I understood the true nature of these feelings. It wasn't that I wanted to control you, or break you, or shape you into what I needed. It was so much deeper, so much more dangerous than that. I wanted to have you fall in love for me, as I had fallen for you, and make you mine."

He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "I know you don't feel the same. I've accepted that. But I...I'm done with acting like this isn't real for me. I refuse to pretend that there's nothing there between us any longer."

He finally broke eye contact, looking back at his now empty glass as you practically gaped at him. Love. Lucifer...loved you? You gulped and took a step towards him, "Lucifer..."

The fire burning within you consumed you as your face heated up. "You...You love me? You actually love me?"

You flinched as he glared sharply at you. "Don't rub it in."

You didn't know what to make of that. You weren't sure what to make of any of this. Your feelings towards Lucifer had changed over the past month, but you had assumed that was simply part of the act. But if everything he had done and said as you two were pretending to be a couple was real, then what did that mean for you?

What did that mean for the way the sight of him caused your heart to skip? Or the way his rare smiles never failed to make you smile back? Or the unwavering sense of comfort and security that he provided?

What did that mean for the ruthless, scalding fire that he had always caused to rage inside you? You always assumed it was anger, but what if...

You gasped in realization. "I burn for you."

The demon tensed as he blinked in confusion. "You...I'm sorry, you what?"

You moved closer to him, each step more certain than the last, as you shakily spoke the words that rang through you. "I burn for you, Lucifer. I don't know entirely what it means myself, but ever since we met you've caused this irrational passion and drive to sear inside of me. I-I had always assumed it was hatred. You're so infuriating. Every word you speak does nothing but cause that fire to flare brighter within in. Every action leaves me filled with sparks of restless energy that won't be satiated until I combust at you," as you now stood nearly toe to toe with him, you grabbed his hand and placed it over your roaring heart. Hope flickered like a candle in the darkness of his black eyes. "I had thought that this couldn't be anything other than anger and hatred. I refused to believe even the possibility that it could be anything else. But this past month you...you were honest and almost kind and vulnerable. Your teasing didn't make me want to punch you, but rather made me laugh. You showed me a side of you that I didn't even know existed. I...I think-"

You were cut off by a finger on your lips. Lucifer looked down at you with a stern, cold expression. The action paired with that face would've caused you to become infuriated by his audacity and superiority complex in the past. But now you could see past it, and could see it for what it truly was: a carefully crafted barrier that hid his most vulnerable feelings and protected him. "If you do not mean the words you were about to say, if you are pitying me, I must demand that you stop here. Do not say those words unless you truly mean them," his deep voice was tinged with distrust and caution.

You held his gaze as you kissed the pad of the finger against your lips and whispered gently, "Lucifer, I think that I love you."

Suddenly your lips were captured in his as he pulled you close and ever so adoringly cupped your face. For the first time since meeting him, the flames inside you were extinguished by the cold touch of his hands on your face and the surprising gentleness of his affection.

His hand slid from your face and came to rest on your shoulder as his eyes widened. His gaze scanned your expression for any traces of falsehood or insincerity. You could hear the breath leave his lungs as he found none.

He softly kissed his temple, effectively hiding his face as it grew redder and whispered, "Of course, beloved."

Lucifer laughed as he pulled away, his thumb caressing your cheek, as he smiled. "To think it only took us getting married to realize it," you laughed as you felt happy tears prick the corners of your eyes. Lucifer sighed in content as rested his forehead against yours. "Remind me to send a thank you to, Micheal."

You hummed and nuzzled closer to him as you rested your head on his shoulder. "Forget Micheal. He's still an asshole as far as I'm concerned. Instead, focus on me. On us. I want to learn everything about you, about the real you," you smiled as he looked down at you with flushed cheeks. "My husband, Lucifer Morningstar."

You couldn't help but wonder how you had been so oblivious to your true feelings as a shiver ran down your spine and warmth spread throughout your chest simultaneously.

This honest and pure love between the two of you, was new, yet it felt so familiar, and it was abundantly clear to both of you that the depth of those feelings would only become clearer and clearer in time as the fires of your love only grew.

***Gasp. I actually finished something. Would you look at that. Well, I hope you guys enjoyed this little fic! Thank you so much for your support during my hiatus and for being so understanding. I love you guys! Thanks again for reading!***

Taglist: @thegrimgrinningghost @henry-and-the-seven-lords @satans-beloved-riv @cosmixbun @sufzku @lovelymushi @victoireshaven @obey-mes-treasure @kissed-by-a-dementor @yukihaie @justtiarra @mammoneybb @obeys-world @poly-bi-mf @armycandy10 @burrixino

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ruby-whistler · 4 years ago

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Why c!Dream should (and probably will be) redeemed

Hi! I’m bad with intros. You’ve read the title, so, let’s start with the definitions.

In this essay, we are considering the popularized definition of “redemption” instead of the classical one, which is, as per the Oxford Dictionary, “the act of saving or state of being saved from the power of evil; the act of redeeming.” That’s not however the way the word is used in fandom and media.

/dsmp /rp

The definition of redemption I’ll be working with in this essay is not forgiveness by the people who c!Dream has hurt, nor is it removing himself entirely from his past actions, but moreso the decision to change for the better and abandon destructive mindsets for himself and others.

A “redemption” in a narrative sense would be circumstances and a character arc that would allow that kind of healing and betterment.

I’d like to start this off by the fact that being “irredeemable”, in this sense, also doesn’t exist; redemption is a thing of conditions and choice, not of being allowed by someone else. You can’t gatekeep healing from people who seek it, just to be clear, and that even goes for people who have done terrible things.

Since I understand there is a lot of concern for c!Dream’s past actions, here is a post from people who are much more fit than me to speak on the matter, about the way in which they see a possible c!Dream redemption arc.

Another disclaimer, I am not going to be considering c!Dream only from the perspective of c!Tommy in this essay. c!Dream appears in other people’s perspectives and he himself has his own, unseen perspective. As a character, he is an individual person in his own right rather than just the antagonist of c!Tommy’s story, and so I do not have much concern for their narratives intertwining too much should this writing choice occur.

I’d also like to note that redemption is, in this sense, always a positive thing for everyone involved - someone who’s been prone to doing bad things in the past deciding not to do them anymore and try to change, or just simply heal enough to consider it, isn’t going to have a long-term negative effect in any of the characters, but rather the other way around. Healing is an unlimited resource, and the victims do not have to heal first for the person who hurt them to consider being better.

Here’s a well-written thread on Twitter that elaborates a bit to finish off this point, and let’s move on to actually talking about redemption in the context of the Dream SMP, and c!Dream specifically.

Why a c!Dream redemption arc is not only a good writing choice, but in this case the only good writing choice;

c!Dream, as we all know, has been subject to mental and physical abuse to the point of straight up torture by both c!Sam and c!Quackity (to different extents). He has been in indescribable amounts of suffering for the past 74 days at the time this essay will be published. That is six and something times the duration of the entire exile arc in canon.

Whatever the interpretation of his words in prison is, what is undeniable is first of all the fact his mental stability is absolutely crushed at this point, second that no human being could possibly ever deserve to undergo this, and third, his stay in the prison is showing off his humanity and making him out to be sympathetic.

Now, consider this; how would it feel if c!Tommy died at the end of the exile arc? Empty, there would be no catharsis to such an end, especially because of all of the hurt he’d gone through. Objectively, a bad writing choice.

Let’s compare, narratively of course, this situation to the prison arc. Even though I would never say one of them is “better” or “worse” than the other, since both are terrible and undeserved, c!Dream’s current state checks off all of the boxes that would make his death unsatisfying in the storyline; even if people want him gone, there would still be the dissatisfaction at the current build-up and why they even did it in the first place (it really wasn’t necessary to anyone else’s story to make him out as a victim, and yet they did) if they were planning to kill him off anyways. And since the prison arc is naturally meant to induce sympathy, even from an angst perspective it would simply not make sense within the themes and writing of the plot.

So, c!Dream can’t die, and he also can’t stay in the prison forever - the build-up must lead to something, which is logically a breakout. Great… what now?

Well, the Dream SMP prides itself in accurate representation of trauma and mental instability, specifically cc!Tommy and cc!Dream who have pulled it off incredibly during the exile arc.

Now, undoubtedly, after the prison, c!Dream is going to be just terribly traumatized- considering the writers’ past creative decisions, would it make sense for him to play the role of a dangerous, heartless villain in other people’s stories, while completely ignoring the logical fallout of what he’s been through?

In my mind, no. The most possible result is that cc!Dream is going to rightfully portray someone who’s been hurt so much he is broken, scared and tortured into submissions over months of agony and slowly stripping away of his agency, his dignity, his humanity. And that is… not going to be pretty, nor is he going to be in any way the same as before.

After everything, I’d be surprised if he can properly look at shears without shaking. That’s not villain behaviour, that’s the behaviour of someone who needs help.

Which leads me to another point, which is relatability. Believe me or not, there are people out there who heavily relate to c!Dream because they have been through things that allow them to see themselves in the character - abandonment, mental illness, etc. - or who have had destructive mindsets they have struggled to let go of in the past.

To them, as well as to the viewer, redeeming c!Dream could actually be a very good example, showcasing that anyone who has done bad things or has been hurt in the past can learn that it is possible to be better, to move on, to not be stuck in a loop but to actively seek help and then use that support to find the path to healing.

Making c!Dream a better person, who in a way, wins over his past, over his trauma, over the hurt he’s caused, and manages to actually get better… is inspiring, in a sense. It shows that you can abandon unhealthy mindsets, you can find a support group of people who care about you, you can make your life better simply by deciding to be better and then sticking to that, no matter how difficult the process.

This is why I believe that redeeming c!Dream would not be bad writing, but quite the opposite, and that the prison arc is an obvious set-up. Alright, but how does that work with the character? How could someone so widely hated mentally improve in such a seemingly violent and terrible environment? Would it even make sense within the context of c!Dream’s character so far? Well,

Why c!Dream has the capacity for healing and the Dream SMP the ability to provide it;

First of all, let’s remind ourselves that through c!Dream’s entire spiral he wasn’t ever directly given a chance to change. He was regarded as someone to defeat in order to accomplish a happy ending, or as someone who needed to be removed in order to achieve power on the SMP. Ever since the 16th, which is when the corruption of the character is the most obvious, there have been no attempts to reach out or to help him. I do not blame the characters for this - I am simply pointing out that since it has never happened before, we do not know how he would respond, and that, after everything he’s been through, any bit of kindness or compassion towards him will be a new concept he will have to learn to deal with somehow.

This point is especially driven home by the fact that both c!Quackity and c!Sam would often tell him he is a monster who deserves nothing but to suffer, and that what he’s going through is never going to amount to all the hurt he’s caused - basically removing any possibility for ever getting better (because by this logic, he doesn’t deserve support, and he doesn’t deserve to get better) from his line of sight.

He also hasn’t had a support system since shortly after the 16th, when his friends left him over c!George’s dethronement and made no effort to mend their relationship afterwards. c!Dream isn’t used to having allies and people on his side, but to being hated; again, wouldn’t that mean positive reinforcement could very well be all he needs to make the choice?

His bad mindsets - attachments are weakness, ends always justify the means, people will consider you a bad person no matter what you do - have been continuously proven right by his environment, even in prison. Any kind of subversion, plus an explanation as to why they are wrong, could be of great help to c!Dream.

Just another disclaimer; I do not believe c!Dream would change thanks to the treatment in prison, but rather despite it. His mental stability is non-existent at that point, and in order to get better he needs genuine emotional support from the people around him as well as to heal before he can redeem himself.

Alright, but… c!Dream has hurt a lot of people. Who would be fit to help him?

Let’s start off with the worst option and why it’s impossible the writers would even attempt this; c!Tommy.

c!Tommy has no responsibility to help or ever forgive c!Dream - not to say he could. The two, as it is, would drag each other down instead of helping in any capacity, and only make matters worse. The two of them shouldn’t even interact in the best case scenario - the best thing for both of them would be if they got enough healing and support individually that they could live around each other and not get their trauma or toxic habits triggered when interacting for whatever purpose of the plot.

So, if not c!Tommy (and c!Tubbo neither by extension), who could redeem c!Dream?

Well, he can’t do it on his own for sure. Being in nature with animals is nice, but further isolation from other people would merely help with the prison trauma, not with the state of his tendencies when interacting with others. He, once again, needs positive reinforcement from other people for him to heal properly.

There are two main options for this in my mind, and then there’s a few individuals he could also find comfort in, including people from both groups or those unaligned.

1) Kinoko Kingdom

From the people of this new country, c!Dream has never negatively interacted with c!Karl before, he has never hurt c!George and he hasn’t directly harmed c!Sapnap. Although the relationship with his old friend group could be difficult to rekindle, none of them have grudges against him that are too personal, and they have been canonically close friends since the beginning of the SMP, so it would be very much possible to rebuild burnt bridges. They’d be familiar, and with the addition of c!Karl they could be a good source of comfort for c!Dream after he either breaks out or is released from prison - just gotta convince c!Sapnap not to kill him first.

2) The Syndicate

From the Syndicate, c!Dream has never directly interacted with c!Nikki, and from what I know of her character she never seemed to be very affected by his actions - even doing his work for him when he was planning to burn down the L’Mantree. c!Techno is an ally who doesn’t have anything against him, and as for c!Ranboo, here is why I believe c!Dream being in the Syndicate could be positively influential on his character arc as well;

c!Ranboo and c!Philza have had a conversation about change, during which c!Ranboo made it clear he thinks everyone can change except for c!Dream; who, in his mind, is “too deep down the rabbit hole”. c!Philza replied that he thinks anyone can change if given enough time.

… you see what I’m getting at?

c!Dream has been implied to be an ally to c!Ranboo’s enderwalk state (or the state when he has access to his full memory), and hence would most likely not behave negatively towards him at all. While it might make it more difficult for c!Ranboo to deal with his own issues, it might also give him more motivation to get to the bottom of it as well, especially since he now has access to the person who, presumably, started this all. While this is going on, c!Dream would show himself in a much different light than c!Ranboo sees himin, which could lead to confusion, realization of the flaws in his own logic, and hence, positive character development.

Here’s a great post about why c!Techno as a character could be a great asset in c!Dream’s healing process & redemption, and why there is not much need to worry about him not knowing or finding out about c!Dream’s actions.

Of Kinoko Kingdom and the Syndicate, as far as I know, neither c!Tommy nor c!Tubbo have ever been directly involved with these groups, nor are they planning to.

Another important point to make is that, while c!Tommy needs to be kept away from c!Dream in order to heal properly, the same goes for c!Quackity and c!Sam in c!Dream’s case. While c!Quackity has high chances to interact with either Kinoko Kingdom or the Syndicate in the future, there’s an even higher chance, in that situation, that c!Dream would be offered protection, which is also important; there is no healing from trauma without the knowledge of safety, to some degree.

So, this was an essay as to why I think c!Dream’s recovery and redemption (one needs to come before the other, naturally) is not only extremely possible but also could be pulled off well and have a positive impact on both the characters, and the audience.

#dreblr #dream smp #c!dream #c!dream sympathetic #c!quackity neg #c!sam neg #dsmp analysis #tw torture #tw abuse #long post #i really should start writing longer essays #i need more material #anyways #hope y'all liked this #just joining the debate #:]

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lesbian-helen-gansey · 3 years ago

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10 Favorite Books of 2021

Making this list made me realize that I read a lot of books this year that I just felt meh about, which was kind of disappointing, but these are the really good ones! About 70% of what I read was fiction, and about 70% were written by women. This is also where I once again add the caveat that I’m terrible at summarizing books, but I do have good taste. You just have to trust me.

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid

This book is about four celebrity siblings who are hosting the party of the summer, and the narrative takes place over the course of the party as everything starts to go wrong. It’s my favorite kind of book in that it’s about people’s relationships with each other, which all books are kind of about, but this one especially. The bond between siblings, the pressure each of them feels in their role in the family, how can you be responsible for each other when no adult has been responsible for you etc. Calling all Lynch Siblings Lovers. (Adult fiction)

The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst

This is not a feel good read. This book made me very sad, but Alan Hollinghurst is one of, if not my favorite writer, so it’s worth it. I’ve never read another author that describes the specificity and complexity of human emotion the way that he does. This book takes place during the 80s in England, and is about Nick, a gay man, who moves in with his friend’s wealthy conservative family. It follows his experiences over the course of several years of trying to exist as a gay man in this time and find meaningful relationships with people without being able to be very open with any of them. It’s very character driven and is about Nick’s emotional experience as he tries to figure out who he is and how he fits in the world. Hollinghurst is such a talented writer and the book really shows off his craft. (Adult Fiction)

The Sum of Us by Heather McGhee

This is a super interesting book about how structural racism in America has led to the country’s economic inequality. It talks about the history of a variety of policies including housing and social safety programs and how people would rather destroy these programs entirely than see Black people benefit from them. These is really accessible nonfiction as it’s very narrative based. (Non-fiction)

The Crying Book by Heather Christle

If you love the web-weaving style posts on this website, than this book is for you. This book is all about crying -how we cry, why we cry, what it means to cry-, and Christle weaves together science, philosophy, and her personal experience into something that reads both like a personal essay and an extended poem. It’s really creative and beautiful. I don’t think anything else like it exists. Every page had a quote I wanted to remember. (creative non-fiction)

The Hunting Party by Lucy Foley

A group of old college friends take their annual New Year’s Eve trip to a secluded hunting lodge. It seems like their personal drama and the secrets they’re keeping will be enough drama to keep them busy for the trip, until someone is killed. A snowstorm means no one can get in or out of the lodge. New secrets, old friends, someone dead, no help on the way. (Adult fiction)

The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

It seems almost unfair to say I read this book In 2021 when what really happened was that is took me over a year to get through this audiobook, but I did finish it in 2021, so I’m saying it counts. This book is about a boy, Theo, whose mother dies in a terrorist attack at an art museum. It follows him trying to come to terms with this trauma as he becomes an adult. He also stole a painting, which is both the entire point and not the point. This book is very much an exercise in craft with extensive descriptions that Tartt can only get away with because she is such a talented writer. A book that’s worth the effort. (Adult Fiction)

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Another TJK! This one is about a famous movie star, Evelyn Hugo, during the golden age of Hollywood. She is looking back on her infamous life and career through the lens of her seven different husbands. I cried more reading this book than any other in recent memory, but in a good way, obviously. I agree with all the popular praise of this book that talks about how vivid Evelyn’s life seems, that it seems like she must have been a real actress. For all the times I got emotional, this was a really fun read, mostly light and easy. (Adult fiction)

The Hunting Wives by May Cobb

This year I got really into domestic thriller type books, I think in part because they tend to be quick and easy, and they also really center around the lives of women. This book is about a young mom, Sophie, who recently moved her family to a small town in Texas. Her new life isn’t what she thought it would be, and she becomes fascinated with the gorgeous and wealthy Margot. As her friendship obsession with Margot becomes more intense, she begins to spiral into a world of sex and violence she’s not sure she can get out of, or even really wants to. (Adult Fiction)

All the Crooked Saints by Maggie Steifvater

This was both a very thoughtful and heart warming book that made me very happy. I just thought it was the sweetest thing, and I really loved it. It’s about a family who preforms miracles and the people who seek them out. After a miracle goes wrong for one of their cousins, they reconsider if their traditions are as true as they think they are. Also, people fall in love. Maggie Steifvater has such a knack for creating complex, loveable characters, and this book is no different. (young adult fiction)

The Girls are All so Nice Here by Laurie Elizabeth Flynn

This is by far the craziest book I read this year. If you want to read about girls being evil to each other and villainous behavior, this is the book for you. Told in two timelines, Amb is attending her college reunion and is being threatened with revenge for what she did her freshman year. It’s about the pressure women feel to compete with each other and the way that projecting your insecurities onto others can make you into the vilian in the story really quickly (Adult Fiction, cw sa)

(I feel like everyone on here already knows I loved Call Down the Hawk and Mister Impossible, so It feels redundant to put them on the list, but those too!!)

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brood-mother · 1 year ago

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furiosa spoilers and mediocre ranting under cut

insane amount of cgi and TERRIBLE quality cgi at that. there's a permanent and very obvious greenscreen halo around the cast about 75% of the time. i knew it wasn't going to be as practical stunts/effects heavy as the first one bc that production was A Lot, but like...why do we have cg dogs when they don't DO anything that normal dogs can't do, why do we have cg riders falling off their bikes at low speed onto sand in long shots when that's basic party stunts 101, why do we have cg furisoa on a cg bike cresting a hill when that's not even a stunt that's literally just a drone shot of someone riding in a straight line? if you're going to throw cgi at the audience hand over fist WHY are the action sequences significantly more pedestrian and boring than any in fury road? there's so much cgi that it makes the cast look like shit because hardly anyone is properly reacting to anything that's happening around them

i'd say it was full of plotholes if it ever had a plot with enough substance to poke holes it, but otherwise its just full of inconsistencies and stupid shit that yoinks you out of whatever verisimilitude you can scrape together. there's so much random shit flung at the wall that means nothing and goes nowhere. her hair? nobody else aging during the time jump? dementus's seizure? rictus's interest? the cape that defies time and space? the tattoo? the people eater and bullet farmer just hangin around at joe's place like a couple of blokes who do fuck all (tag them)?

WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THE OTHER IMPERATOR? jack or whoever? there was like a weird implication of romantic feelings but they didn't know each other, were hanging out in silence for like a couple of hours, touched foreheads, then he died off screen? there was ZERO set up ZERO chemistry ZERO interest ZERO plot or character development, ZERO point to any of it other than a half hearted attempt at shoehorning in something vaguely heterosexual. either he should have been introduced way way way earlier in the film, or - in my obviously objectively and highly educated opinion - it should have been another (older) woman/outsider like furiosa who actually taught her the ropes and how to live in that world and gave a shit about her, sorta like furiosa to the wives in fury road. but instead it was Just Some Fucking Bloke who idk thought she was hot or whatever

it feels shamelessly miscast, like they really just googled whoever was the most popular young white actress atm and rolled with it. atj was Not It. she was literally out-acted by the child actress who plays baby furiosa. her interpretation of "traumatised reticent revenge-driven badass" was blank face/big watery eyes, same as every single other role she's ever played. and don't get me wrong, sometimes that works for a role, but it sure wasn't this one. there is absolutely nothing about her that reads 'dangerous' or 'tough', if you don't have the gravitas then you need the physicality and she lacked both. comparing her performance with charlize theron is like night and DAY bc charlize has the talent and experience to know a character that doesn't emote with their face is still a role that requires ACTING.

everything that made the first movie special (imo) is largely absent. i can picture in my minds eye entire scenes and sequences from fury road YEARS after i saw it bc the cinematography, the framing, the score, the colour, the purposefully staged almost shakespearean dialogue, the sound design, the action, the amazing side characters, EVERYTHING came together to make something that was really gorgeous. you could take a frame from nearly anywhere in the movie and it would look like an art print. that's almost completely absent from furiosa. i finished it like 5 hours ago and i don't remember ANY specific sequence, shot, frame, use of score, or singularly beautiful line.

this is an entire movie about furiosa and yet we get as much or perhaps even less character depth or growth than we do from fury road. she barely speaks, she doesn't do anything that isn't a cool action shot or silently glaring (outwith the 0.2 sec burst of anger at the end), there's no love, joy, pleasure, fear, interests, friends, hobbies, NOTHING to her character beyond "i'm kinda badass (in a purely physical sense)" and "i want to go home, i guess". is there an action movie equivalent of 'sexy lamp syndrome'? training dummy syndrome?

and finally the most egregious sin of all: refusing to show or acknowledge misogyny in ANY significant way at all despite the fact its literally the exact vehicle that's carrying the fury road arc of mad max. the able-bodied women we see in fury road and furiosa are, with the exception of the ppl in the green place and a female goon: forced breeders (wives), livestock (mother's milk), or slaves. it is a system that has misogyny built into the foundations of it by absolute necessity. it was implied to be exceptional that furiosa was a respected imperator in fr, she was clearly Something Special thus wasn't made into a slave or a milker when she was no longer 'suitable' for breeding. as a kid furiosa herself is placed with the other breeders with the intention of her becoming one someday; she is a healthy female, thus there's absolutely no other options to be considered even though she's clearly strong, capable, and reasonably smart. when she runs away (from the wife pit and later from the citadel) she pretends to be a man to protect herself with such dedication that she's essentially mute for FIFTEEN YEARS. but when she is forced to reveal her true identity on the road with her dumbfuck LAZY 'hair reveal' moment, no-one gives a shit. the war boys don't give a shit, jack doesn't give a shit, dementus and his gang don't give a shit, furiosa doesn't give a shit. she doesn't try to disguise herself again after that. she goes back to the citadel, to immy joe and rictus and the creeps she ran away from/disguised herself to avoid the attention of in the first place. they don't give a shit either. this random woman they don't know/recognise bursts into his war room after fucking up SO much guzz/bullets/vehicles/etc and starts spouting off and they...listen to her? let her do her thing? the extent to which they avoid the topic of her gender, of sexual violence and overt misogyny which is contextually unavoidable, is really conspicuous and makes the entire film feel insincere

like. for a purported girlboss pussyqueen movie that ALSO wants to pretend that no-one in the setting believes or enacts the misogyny the premise of the story is built on, there sure are inexplicably no other female characters. i think i can count maybe...6ish other women who speak in this film? there's furiosa's mum who dies in the first 10 mins, valkyrie gets two or three lines. then there's a domestic slave who gets two lines. the one (1) female goon who gets one line (maybe two, i went to the bathroom during one of the 'action' scenes she was in the background of so maybe she shouts smth idk). the two wives who get one and two lines respectively. the maggot farmer who gets two lines. im not even exaggerating, i might be off by like a line or two but that's seriously it.

literally what the fuck and who the fuck is this movie for. its not mad max enough to attract the OG fans, its not exciting or spectacular enough to get the marvel crowd, its not cinematic enough to get the letterbox gang, its not female-led enough to attract the kickass lady lovers, its not gritty or dark enough to convince grimdank or crust aficionados, and it's not got nearly enough of any of these in a reasonable mix to please people who loved fury road.

i mean ofc some people will like it or even love it more than fury road and that's fine but mannn, as a fan i felt like it was a big wet fart kinda letdown. like...4/10 standalone movie, 2/10 prequel.

ladies and gentlemen i regret to inform you that furiosa was fucking ass

#my onions are my own naturally.

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hamliet · 5 years ago

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Dabi’s Missing Heart

So I’ve been seeing two main responses to Dabi’s character as portrayed in BNHA 292, both of which I feel touch on a very surface understanding of his character and role in the story despite seeming like opposite takes.

Take #1:

Dabi is an unfeeling monster created to show the redeemability of Shigaraki and Enji in contrast with his true eeeevil villainy! He will never be redeemed!

Take #2:

Dabi is a sweet softy who did nothing wrong! He will never be redeemed because of this chapter which is so out-of-character!

Note how they both have the same endpoint. I’m not actually gonna address the redemption question much because I can’t fathom what this panel foreshadows if not Touya’s salvation (alive):

I’m not looking to debate this either; I’m just putting it here because I know it’ll come up if I don’t.

Instead, I wanna address Dabi’s character. He’s my favorite, and I’ve been asked a few different times whether I enjoy him as a villain or as an uwu poor baby, and my answer is always both.

Dabi is a villain. This chapter’s rampage is, in my opinion, not remotely out of character for him. But neither is it the summation of his character, and he surely is not meant to make Enji look good by comparison.

So, who is Dabi?

Dabi is kind of a flaming jerk, and that’s why I like him. He’s an abuse victim who gets to be angry and crass and sharp. He pushes people away because he doesn’t want to open up to them and get burned (heh). He’s just like Shouto in that, except with a dose of murder.

Believe it or not, this is a very realistic response to abuse, and very common too. It’s good to see that representation. If the writing was indeed just “he’s bad get rid of him,” well, that would of course be a terrible representation. But seeing a mean victim get redeemed? Now that’s some good sh*t I’m here for.

If you want a sweethearted, misunderstood soft victim, there is one in MHA, and that’s Shigaraki. Dabi is not these things, but that does not mean he’s not a victim or that he’s somehow an unfeeling monster.

You see, Shigaraki is a heart character. Dabi’s the mind. (Heart and mind characters are a literary pattern that is utilized in literature across the globe; it’s not an eastern/western cultural thing. It has its roots in alchemy.) The problem is that you can’t have a heart without a mind nor a mind without a heart. If you lack one, you’re missing half the picture, and you won’t accomplish anything.

We see this with Shigaraki in his quest to look for ideals, something to believe in, purpose to justify/enable acting on his feelings/emotions.

Dabi, in contrast, has conviction and ideals, but eschews any kind of personal connection and care.

So, both Shigaraki and Dabi struggle to unite heart and mind--but they need to do precisely this.

It’s not a coincidence that Shigaraki expressly envisions both Dabi and Himiko when musing on what his purpose is.

Yet Shigaraki is able to unite more easily with Himiko as opposed to Dabi because Himiko is also a heart character. She claims to be motivated by extreme empathy that warps around to become a lack thereof (wanting to be who she loves).

Shigaraki’s motivations are basically revenge for hero society not saving him--which encompasses both a deep internal and external (societal) need for empathy and a need for better ideals. Shigaraki needs Himiko and Dabi. They’re a trio, and all of them need each other to grow. But Himiko, being similarly driven expressly by emotions, is easier for Shigaraki to understand and work with.

The irony is that Dabi is actually a very, very emotional character as well. But what he does (as is typical for a mind character) is repress them, compartmentalize, dissociate. He constantly pushes people away, yet admits privately, to himself, that he’s primarily (and paradoxically) motivated by family. This is emotional, yet Dabi claims he “overthought” and, according to other translations, “snapped” can be actually be read as “went crazy” as a result over overthinking (note: both are mind allusions).

Dabi repressing who he is--Todoroki Touya--is symbolic of him repressing his emotional side, because again, family and emotions are tied together for his character. Now his identity is acknowledged, and Dabi claims to be losing his mind (again), claims that he can’t feel, and yet is completely consumed by emotions. Like, does anyone think he’s being methodical and calculating this chapter?

It’s not just negative emotions (rage, hate) that drive Dabi in response to his family. His seeking belonging and emotional connection is present even in a chapter where he tries to murder two members of his family and laughs off the risk to the life of another.

See, Dabi first asked Shouto to validate his pain:

But like, given the circumstances, of course Shouto doesn’t really respond well. How Shouto responds is this:

Shouto’s words are triggering. And keep in mind I am not blaming Shouto: he’s in shock and he’s a kid. I’m merely trying to explain how it likely comes across to Dabi.

You’re crazy. Your feelings don’t matter. You don’t really care about Natsuo! You’re a villain and that’s ALL you are. Not a brother or abuse survivor. Just a villain.

So, uh, yeah, Dabi then retreats back to being unable to feel, dissociating as has always been his coping mechanism. But that’s not all: Dabi’s been repressing for so long that of course he’s gonna go a little insane in response to the dismissal of everything he’s trying to point out. Why wouldn’t he? His family dismissed his pain back then and now again, and so, without that heart, without those emotions, principle is all Dabi has. This has been present since long before Stain’s ideology came into his life:

Now, he answers this question of existence through Stain’s ideology. Purpose is all he has, and to him, Shouto and Best Jeanist are dismissing that too. Why are they dismissing it? Best Jeanist dismisses him for an ideal: the overall good of hero society. Shouto has a mixture of this ideal and also like, genuine shock and pain.

Back to Dabi. Dabi’s summation of himself and his purpose is incorrect and harmful to himself and others. I’m not excusing him or justifying, just explaining. It’s a tragic reflection of what Endeavor raised both Touya and Shouto to be (and thereby ironic that BJ uses an ideal to dismiss him):

Instead of being raised to be the symbol of hero society--as Endeavor intended--he exists to destroy it. The root is the same: Dabi assumes he exists for hero society, as a tool. He dehumanizes himself, hence why his quirk physically harms him (which also fits his almost religious zeal for Stain’s ideology). But it is not all Dabi is. He’s not a tool, he’s a person, but to acknowledge he’s a person involves acknowledging his heart/emotional desires, and that gets to my next point.

Dabi’s not a reliable narrator about himself. At all. I’ve written about Dabi and dissociation before. So let’s look at Dabi’s devotion to his ideals, the ideals he puts above people and claims he only cares about... because there are moments where Dabi goes against those ideals.

For one example, Dabi’s gone against those ideals when he’s allowed his personal need for revenge (an emotional/heart motivation) to overcome his longterm plan. Like, he was fully about to get himself killed here, even though that would likely mean no one would know the corruption of the Todoroki family and hero society, just for the chance to prove to his father that he hurt him.

In addition, I’ve talked before about how Dabi’s the only character in the entire damn manga to comment that maybe using child soldiers is not okay. While it’s not explicitly stated, it’s reasonable to conclude that Dabi considers the abuse of children in hero training a sin of hero society that ought to be purged (hence, part of his ideals).

That said, I have also pointed out that Dabi has gone after children in the past when it benefits his mission (Bakugou would like a word). So let’s look at four examples of Dabi and his principles concerning kids--since, after all, he claims to be motivated by heroes who hurt kids.

Firstly, Dabi’s “save the cat” when he spared Aoyama.

Why did he spare Aoyama? We can only speculate, but it seems quite likely there are two reasons: 1) hurting Aoyama would not add anything to his overall goal of downing hero society, and 2) a terrified, cowering kid might just have been a teeny bit familiar to Dabi. Here, his ideals--destroying hero society--either take a backseat to a reflection of his personal pain (and)/or his ideal of not abusing kids directly contradicted his ideal of bringing down hero society. But the important part is that in this instance, Dabi chose mercy and the goal of bringing down hero society was jeopardized as a result.

So then why did he attack Tokoyami, Nejire, and Shouto this arc? Well, Dabi does things he knows are wrong for the sake of accomplishing his overall purpose. He does things he knows hurt himself for this purpose. This isn’t new. If he can’t be acknowledged, can’t exist as a person with emotions, then he at least will ensure he still has a purpose.

In addition, let’s look at what sets Dabi off in all of these instances. (Again, this isn’t me saying “well actually Dabi’s justified.” He’s not. I’m just pointing to what’s in the text to explain the machinations beyond “bad guy do bad.”)

Dabi tries to reason with Tokoyami, pointing out that Twice was doing essentially what Tokoyami is doing: trying to save his friend(s), but Tokoyami doesn’t listen (also again: not me saying Tokoyami should have listened--realistically, in this situation, it makes sense Tokoyami trusted his mentor!)

Only after his reasoning was rejected did Dabi go to flames mode. He could have just let Tokoyami save Hawks, but instead he really wanted to kill Hawks and that overrode his other principles. Was this just because of his furthering his goal--killing the #2 hero would help destroy hero society--or because of a sense of personal revenge for Twice? That’s open for interpretation (in my opinion, it’s likely a mixture, because again, it tends to intertwine more than Dabi likes to think it does). His principles and/or emotions are brushed aside, and Dabi Does Not Like That.

Dabi does this again with Shouto this chapter, asking him where he stands on their family issues, and gets brushed aside, and then Shouto goes into his rage mode and Dabi responds. Again, not saying Shouto is rational here or that he should side with Dabi’s murderous plan, but like, his words really don’t come across well to Dabi.

Dabi going after Shouto after explaining things, asking Shouto for help, and then having his pain dismissed is pretty much a repeat of Tokoyami. When Dabi’s pain is dismissed, he says fine, let’s aim for the highest principle possible: making Stain’s will a reality, and damn any emotional ties.

Dabi’s obsession with ideals, you might say, is a smokescreen to cover his own pain. Far from feeling nothing, he feels very deeply. (I promise I’m getting to Nejire.)

So what does this indicate? Well, that Dabi does have a heart and a conscience. But when he lets his heart act, when his heart reaches out, he gets burned. His heart jeopardizes his overall purpose, so he most often dissociates himself from it. But by pretending he doesn’t have a heart, he dehumanizes himself, and he projects that dehumanization onto others (see: seeing Shouto as an extension of Endeavor, when that’s actually the precise image Shouto is trying to shed).

It’s not a coincidence that Shigaraki has been unconscious during the entire confrontation with Endeavor, nor is it a coincidence that Himiko has been MIA. But, Shigaraki wakes up a bit this chapter not only when hearing Dabi spout about how hero society needs to burn, an ideal/the thing Shigaraki lacks, and through a less important but still-ideal-driven character in Spinner asking him to accomplish his supposed ideal of destruction, but when Dabi saves Shigaraki and Spinner.

Dabi doesn’t burn Nejire for lols (not that this makes it better because it doesn’t) or even for ideals. He burns her to save Shigaraki and Spinner, because they are his links to full humanity right now.

(Again, this is also dissociation and projection: Endeavor did this! No, Dabi, you did. You’re perpetuating violence against kids rather than stopping it.)

But anyways, when Dabi calls upon heart, Shigaraki wakes. He lends Gigantomachia and thereby Dabi and the league power.

Dabi can only grow and actually accomplish anything related to his ideals (fixing hero society) through accepting a heart--even though that will likely mean some painful surgery to shift his ideals to accommodate said heart, because pure ideals don’t leave much room for humanity. He needs to feel to actually change anything, because right now he’s just making things worse (hence, the need for saving and redemption).

I know the League aren’t the protagonists of the serIes, but their complaints aren’t exactly incorrect either (if anything they’re almost a little too valid). But through growing together, Dabi, Shigaraki, and Himiko might actually be able to accomplish something, and get themselves in a place where they can be reached and saved by Shouto, Deku, and Ochaco. Because to be saved, the kids will have to acknowledge the villains’ pain and complaints, and do something about it.

#bnha 292 #bnha meta #mha 292 #mha meta #dabi #todoroki shouto #todoroki touya #todoroki enji #hado nejire #toga himiko #shigaraki tomura #shimura tenko #best jeanist #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha theory #mha theory #league of villains #spinner

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recurring-polynya · 4 years ago

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Once again, I am thinking about the dubious claim that people make from time to time that Renji would have gotten better character development in the TYBW arc if Byakuya had died. The thing is, though, that Renji did get excellent character development in this arc, particularly with respect to his relationship to Byakuya, it was just very subtle and I want to talk about it.

So, the first thing I want to point out is that the captain-lieutenant relationships is one of the major themes of the TYBW. A lot of this is sort of weird and awkward, but this is perfect, actually, because captain-lieutenant relationships are, for the most part, weird and clunky and awkward. Take for example, the part that I always make fun of, where the captains are told not to go to bankai, and Hitsugaya, Komamura, Byakuya and Soi Fon immediately go to bankai-- but they all do this on the assumption that they are luring their opponent into a trap to see how this works, and that their lieutenant will somehow ??defeat them anyway?? (well, except Soi Fon who seems to think she can one-shot her Quincy). There’s Sasakibe’s funeral, where we find out that Yamamoto cared far more for him than we ever imagined. Kyouraku returns Nanao’s zanpakutou to her and stands behind her as she defeats an opponent he can't. Iba carries Komamura’s body off of the battlefield as he loses the last of his humanity. Isane struggles to keep her head above her grief because that’s the burden Unohana left her with. Rose avenging Kira. Hitsugaya and Matsumoto fighting and (sort of) dying together. The Zaraki-Yachiru thing. The Mayuri-Nemu thing. Momo and Shinji actually got to have a relatively normal one, which they each deserved, but at least they got to have normal one together. Anyway, that could be an entire essay, but as usual, I only want to talk about Renji and Byakuya.

Renji’s introduction as a character happens in stages. Initially, he sort of appears to be Byakuya’s sidekick-- he's here to do the dirty work during Rukia’s arrest, while Byakuya stands by and calls the shots, but even early on, it’s clear that Renji’s a little hung up on Byakuya. He’s trying to impress him, and gets more embarrassed and self-conscious as things go progressively pear-shaped. When Byakuya finally enters the action, Renji’s thought bubbles reveal that he’s watched Byakuya for a long time, that he knows all his moves. When we get the Renji backstory reveal a few issues later, we learn that Renji’s goal is to defeat Byakuya, which he seems to feel is necessary to seeing Rukia again, even though there has never been any sort of causal link revealed between these two things. Don’t get me wrong, if Young Academy Renji had tried to continue to be friends with Rukia, I think Byakuya would have kicked him out on his ass, but it’s clear that a lot of Renji’s hang-ups are internal-- he doesn’t want to face Rukia again until he can stand against Byakuya. I think the origin of this is that he simply wants what’s best for Rukia, and he can’t stomach the idea of asking her to leave her rich, noble family for him, unless, of course, he’s somehow better than Byakuya in some dimension, and the only thing Renji’s ever considered himself good at is fighting.

Even more interesting is that he’s chosen to go about this by... studying the man’s every move and becoming his lieutenant. But for as much energy as Renji has put into learning Byakuya’s favorite combat moves, he doesn’t actually know anything about him as a person. He’s shocked when Rukia predicts that Byakuya won’t lift a finger to help her, and then horrified when this actually comes to pass. A few chapters later, as he’s running Hinamori through, Aizen comments that “Adoration is the state furthest from understanding.” I would probably classify Renji’s feelings towards Byakuya more as admiration or idolization, rather than adoration, but I think this statement is also very true of Renji and Byakuya’s relationship. Unlike poor Momo, Renji gets a little more time and opportunity to do something with this information. With a little Ichigo-forced soul searching, he realizes that he’s not going to come out the hero of this story no matter what, but if he doesn’t do something, Rukia’s not going to come out of this story at all, and even if he’s not really ready, he’s spent 40 years trying to figure out how to beat Kuchiki Byakuya, let’s hope all that was good for something.

The Byakuya-Renji fight has no direct impact on the events of the Soul Society Arc. It makes Byakuya show up to Rukia’s execution 5 minutes late and without his scarf. Renji gets healed, so it really doesn’t matter all that much to him, either. You could argue that they both wasted a bunch of energy (that they could have used to fight Aizen later) but it’s primarily a character-driven moment of them both drawing lines in the sand about where they stand, vis a vis Rukia. Byakuya wins this fight, and he wins it handily, but he’s wrong, as he comes to realize a few issues later, when Ichigo kicks his ass and tells him he’s a bad brother, a lesson that Byakuya will take to heart for the rest of the manga. Byakuya claims that the difference between Renji and himself is class, but the real difference between is the heart, and in the long run, Renji is the real victor of this fight.

The hospital scene is an interesting footnote to this. Byakuya defeated Renji, but Byakuya was the asshole and everyone knows it. There’s an expectation that perhaps Renji will quit or perhaps Renji will give him an earful and perhaps even Rukia will choose to leave the family, either to go to the Living World or to be with Renji (and Byakuya would deserve this), but instead, both Renji and Rukia give Byakuya another chance, which is not, I think, a place Renji ever expected to be.

Rukia and Byakuya building up a sibling relationship after this is fairly straightforward (although I’m sure it had its weird moments), but Byakuya and Renji now have this profoundly awkward relationship where Byakuya is obviously in charge, but he sort of depends on Renji as a personal compass because he’s shit at dealing with people and he doesn’t want to screw stuff up with Rukia again. Take for example, the part of the Hueco Mundo arc where Orihime is kidnapped and Rukia and Renji desert their posts to come help rescue her. Kubo takes to the panel-space to tell us that Byakuya has tacitly approved this. As a clan head and a captain, a person who is entrenched in the hierarchy of Soul Society, Byakuya couldn’t possibly go to Hueco Mundo-- but he can turn a blind eye while his sister and lieutenant scurry out through the Kuchiki family senkaimon. Renji, for his part, tried to go to Hueco Mundo through official channels and got shot down. We don’t know what Renji would have done if Byakuya had explicitly forbidden him from going, but it doesn’t matter-- Byakuya enabled Renji to follow his heart here, because Byakuya can’t. Rukia would have gone to Hueco Mundo regardless. She cares about Byakuya, but she doesn’t depend on him for validation the way Renji does.

I said this was going to be about the TYBW, so let’s get to that. Early in the arc, we’re shown several scenes where it’s clear that Byakuya respects and values Renji as a lieutenant, but he’s also pretty damn patronizing to him. Renji is the first one to engage As Nodt, and when Byakuya shows up, he acts surprised that Renji hasn’t taken him out yet, but then proceeds to take over the fight (real, “stand back, fives, an eleven has arrived” energy). After Byakuya then loses his bankai like a doofus, Renji wants to take point so that Byakuya can figure out As Nodt’s attack and Byakuya won’t let him... and then proceeds to get thrashed.

This has to be one of the most emotionally charged fights in Bleach. Byakuya is losing, and Renji jumps in, absolutely incensed that As Nodt would use Senbonzakura against Byakuya. Renji isn’t doing great, but he’s not doing terrible when Byakuya gets up and tries to help Renji, even though he’s a big bloody mess. As Nodt reacts by shredding Byakuya into chunks, and Renji just loses it, and if Mask de Masculine hadn’t shown up and kicked him halfway across the Seireitei, I daresay Renji would have killed himself trying to take down As Nodt.

This is where I usually make the point that if Byakuya had died to here, it would have broken Renji into little pieces, but that’s not today’s essay. Instead, everyone goes to the Royal Realm, and by virtue of the fact that Byakuya is injured worse than everyone else, Renji has to go forward without him or his approval.

In typical Renji fashion, the thing that motivates Renji here is not glory or heroism, but the desire to accompany Ichigo, the need to be with his friends in their times of trial. In fact his companionship here is absolutely essential-- at Hikifune’s, Ichigo expresses deep doubts that he’s doing the right thing, and Renji reminds himself that if he wants to protect others, he has to take care of himself first.

At Nimaiya’s however, Renji and Ichigo are split up because they must follow their own paths. The other extremely interesting thing that happens here is that Renji’s sword is reforged. Byakuya shattered one of Hihio Zabimaru’s joints the very first time Renji used them in combat. Renji brushed it off at the time, saying that he could get by without it. Even though Byakuya has long been his motivating force and his mentor, he’s also been held back by his connection to him. And at this point, it’s gone.

I really wish we got to see where Renji and Rukia meet up again, but we don’t. Unlike with Ichigo, though, Rukia doesn’t seem to need anything from Renji. They travel together, fight together as equals, wear matching outfits, like you do. Oh. Wait. After all this time, in the 493 chapters between Needless Emotions and Blue Stripes, Renji can finally see himself as an equal to Rukia. They get. bankai. Together.

I want to emphasize that it’s not really anything about Rukia herself that allowed Renji to make bankai, it’s the fact that he’s finally managed to move past the feeling that he’s not enough. Defeating Byakuya would not actually have solved this problem, and having Byakuya dying in front of him wouldn’t have either. Renji gets criticized for losing a lot of his fights, but that’s such a key to his character. He’s not always the strongest, he doesn’t always win, but he keeps fighting for what he cares about. He struggles with his need for approval, for external validation, but Renji is at his best when he doesn’t have time to think about that, when he’s just fighting by his friends’ sides against impossible odds, doing what he knows in his heart is right.

I think people tend to make a little more than is strictly necessary of the line where he tells Mask that he’s “a villain”, I think he’s most just making fun of Mask’s own self-aggrandizement. On another level, though, this is just Renji being at ease with himself. Byakuya typically enters a fight bloviating about the honor of Soul Society and “how dare you raise your sword against me, the 28th Head of the Kuchiki” and even Ikkaku had the whole deal about telling people your name before you kill them, but Renji is more like “you beat up my friends, so I’m gonna break your face,” like there’s no ego in it, just you’re there, and he’s there, and then you’re lying on the ground and he’s taking a nap somewhere. This is so different than the insecure, posturing young man he was at the start of this series and I love this growth for him.

Even after he eventually meets up with Byakuya again, something has changed about their dynamic. The group gets split up and rejoined two or three times, and Renji and Rukia always stay together while Byakuya ends up fighting alongside others, Hisagi and later Hitsugaya and Zaraki. This is cemented in their last scene together, where Rukia and Renji try to stay with Byakuya and he sends them off to fight with Ichigo by saying “your help is not needed here.” In some ways, it’s an echo of Byakuya sending them off to Hueco Mundo, but in other ways, it’s acknowledging that they are their own people, not just an extension of him.

Hitsugaya follows it up with this:

There’s more here than meets the eye, though-- Byakuya and Renji have maintained a pretty strict superior-subordinate relationship, because that’s the easiest way for them to make sense of the world, but the fact is, they do care about each other and are important to one another.

I know there would be a certain narrative satisfaction in seeing Renji make captain at the end-- he’s one of the hardest working people in Bleach, and it frankly seems weird to see Iba get the haori when he doesn’t. But Renji has never wanted to be a captain. Renji becoming captain would, in some ways, be a failure. He spends years pre-canon chasing rank and prestige because that’s what he thinks will make him worthy, and it didn’t. Instead, he found worth in being himself, in loving his friends and being there for them, in learning things from Byakuya and teaching him things in return. Renji doesn’t need to be Byakuya’s lieutenant anymore, he just does it because he likes it. It makes him happy. What better character development is there than that?

#renji abarai #byakuya kuchiki #tybwa #god i love to get up on a saturday and write essays about renji's character development #tldr: renji checks off all the gotei career milestones *except* making captain and then proceeds to lean in to his true calling: malewife #we stan legends only

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