#both lonely and competent and seeking to be better people

[khruschevshoe]

I don't wanna know who I am

'Cause heaven only knows what I'll find

I don't wanna know I'm not capable of coming out alive

I don't wanna see what's inside

I think that I would rather be blind

I don't wanna know I'm not capable, I'm capable

I'm alright, I'm okay, I'm alright, I'm okay

I'm not a monster, I'm a human

And I've made a few mistakes

-Mother, Mother, I'm Alright

Casey's done everything he can to train, to become as strong as possible, and he's still failed. Of course he failed, now that he thinks about it, because he didn't actually do everything they wanted him to do. There's only one thing the Pai Zhua wanted that he never did, and that was give up on writing to his Soulmate. Casey's been too weak to do that- he'd leaned on the writing as a way to de-stress, to remind himself that he had someone supporting him whenever he felt down.

Casey can't be weak anymore. He has to do what must be done, for his team, his Soulmate, the entire world.

So he stops writing. He’s let it be a distraction for so long- too long. He has to be a good Red Ranger, has to be a Master, and in order to be a Master he must be willing to give up anything distracting him from his training.

-aletterinthenameofsanity, these words are knives that often leave scars (the fear of falling apart)

Here they are, my boys. The first fic I read in this series. The one that started it all. The sweet, sweet character development and matching character arcs and teaching spirits and just the way the writer took the themes and arcs of the shows and just amplified every bit of one of my already favorite seasons of the show. *chef's kiss*

[the-red-thread-that-strangles]

Akai is a study in severed connections.

He probably got off to a better start than Rei, by being born into a loving family. But it then hits all the harder that Tsutomu takes that case and disappears. Their mother hardens in an effort to protect what remains of their family, and Akai leaves his family behind to chase a ghost. I wonder which is worse; never having known kindness, or knowing it and having it ripped away from you?

We know barely anything about these next couple of years, aside from the fact that he was alone in the US. Who knows how far back the lone wolf monicker reaches? It’s not like we know anyone he’s been particularly close to until Jodie, and that’s what, several years down the line? I wonder what was up with that, how that relationship came about. It can’t have been that deep, considering how easily he broke up with her for Akemi. Did he ever even love her, or was he seeking physical comfort? Was it the adrenaline in a high-stakes job that brought them together? Who knows.

By contrast, Akemi’s kindness is certainly a draw for Akai. She is vulnerable herself, but keeps acting tough (and isn't that familiar). Kind and soft despite the world she lives in that she gets to him, against his better judgement. She cares for him, and allows him to care for her in return. And then Scotch dies, another potential connection severed, and his cover is blown. He leaves his love behind, returns to the US, and is alone. Again.

By the time canon rolls around, he and Akemi have been separated for what, three years? Akai is supposed to be dependable all the time, and he is, but at the cost of running himself ragged. He’s subsisting on caffeine and nicotine, shit at taking care of himself. He still loves Akemi, and is probably faithful to her. How long has it been since somebody has touched him? Held him? Cared for him? Years, at this point. She asks him to date her for real, and is ripped away from him immediately after. He’s on the other side of the globe, and she’s dead. Another connection, severed.

Things go from bad to worse, and Akai Shuichi dies. Now cut off in all but the slightest thread, he’s officially separated from the people he cares about. They mourn his death, and he can do nothing but watch and stay away to keep them safe.

Even if he wasn’t a special agent in the process of taking down a criminal syndicate, he’s now living a lie as Okiya Subaru, one he can’t involve anyone else in. Okiya is sociable, but the relationships can’t be genuine, and I think that’s worse. Seeing how happy people are with their connections, Masumi trying to reach out to him too, and he can’t. It’s too dangerous. He’s too dangerous. By this point, he’s probably resigned himself to mourning and loneliness.

And then there is Rei. Who is holding onto their bond in desperation, like a lifeline. It should be severed, but Rei keeps it alive through force of will. He has faith that Akai can’t have died that easily. Their connection a thread of guilt that strangles them both. But it also keeps them together. Neither can escape it.

And Akai starts to thrive under Rei’s attention. Because he’s seen, and Rei keeps seeking him out, despite everything. Whatever he gives, Akai gladly takes – whether it be violence or love. His touch burns, either way. Fistfights turn into sparring turn into wound care.

Once they’ve started, they can’t seem to stop touching, finding excuses despite their better judgement. He’s bad at communicating, and Rei is a habitual liar, but their actions speak louder. When everything threatens to fall apart, they’re bound, holding onto each other, holding each other.

Has Akai ever had anyone he could rely on, before? An equal he didn’t need to protect (who in fact objects to it)? Who can take care of themselves? Who won’t die so easily, leaving him alone yet again? In between all this loss and misery, Rei’s unshakable faith and competence provide solace. His care is wild and sometimes violent, but unmistakably there. Akai gives back what he can.

And maybe, just maybe, that connection is strong enough to support the tension. It persists despite all the troubles they’ve gone through. And with time, and a gentle touch, maybe they can remove the thread from each other’s necks. Maybe they can breathe freely, in the end.

[hashirun]

Asagao to Kase-san (2018) directed by Takuya Sato

Asagao to Kase-san (or Kase-san and Morning Glories) follows the relationship of high schoolers Yui Yamada, a quiet but cheerful girl who loves gardening; and Tomoka Kase, an outgoing and popular girl who is ace of their high school's track and field team.

The film is based on the manga series of the same title by Hiromi Takashima. It kicks off around the time the two get together, and focuses on the challenges they face due to their differences: both in their personalities and the worlds they live in. As a star athlete, Kase is always surrounded by people - teammates and friends alike, leaving Yamada feeling left out and lonely.

There's a scene where Yamada watches Kase compete in a tournament. Kase, of course, finishes first, and is immediately surrounded by her supporters celebrating her victory. Yamada then decides to leave instead of approaching Kase. Kase calls her on the phone asking where she is, and sounds down when Yamada tells her she left because she didn't want to be a bother.

However, their differences are exactly what they admire and love about each other. Yamada sees Kase as someone cooler than even the boys in their school, while Kase thinks Yamada is amazing for taking care of the plants in their school without seeking for recognition. They both want to be closer to each other, and they both get miserable at the thought of being away from each other with graduation looming and Kase getting a sports recommendation at a university in Tokyo.

Anyway, I've also read the manga and while I like the film well enough, I would've appreciated it more if they adapted the manga into a series instead. This way, they'd be able to better show how Kase and Yamada's love blossomed and how their relationship progressed.

It goes without saying that I like yuri manga and anime, but I especially like Asagao to Kase-san for having a main character who's obviously boyish and is also a runner. While it's not strictly a sports manga / anime, I appreciate how their story - both their relationship and their future - is still in some ways shaped by the fact that Kase is a talented and sought-after athlete. I enjoyed scenes where Kase is on the track - training or competing or getting scolded by her coach or bickering with fellow athletes.

[girlablaze]

THE  EDGE  OF  SWORDS  presents   :   druian  navar .

introducing  one  of  our  main  protagonists  of  teos  ,  druian  of  navar  is  many  things  :  son  of  an  outcast  ,  huntsman  to  the  nine  realms  ,  traitor  to  his  people  ,  MURDERER .  exiled  from  his  realm  for  aiding  in  the  assassination  of  his  beloved  king  &  queen  ,  druian  is  cursed  to  live  the  rest  of  his  endless  days  wandering  the  dark  wood  searching  for  a  forgiveness  he  did  not  deserve    ——    OR  .  .  .  perhaps  the  villain  is  much  more  than  the  twisted  features  and  ghastly  fangs  he  is  painted  up  to  be .   a  father’s  son  falsely  accused  ,  a  boy  led  astray  by  those  seeking  only  downfall  ,   an  innocent  man  wrongly  dealt  a  death  sentence .  

druian  has  been  offered  the  opportunity  to  earn  his  redemption  ,  if  only  the  world  had  not  taught  him  the  cruelties  that  hide  behind  offers  too  good  to  be  true . 

NAME :   druian  navar . MBTI  :  istj  ,  the  logistician .   ALIGNMENT  :  true  neutral .  ENNEAGRAM  :  type  one  ,  the  reformer . TEMPERMENT  :  melancholic . INSPIRATIONAL  QUOTE  :  so  violently  do  i  know  the  world .  (    rainer  maria  rilke  ,   fragment  of  an  elegy .  )

CHARACTER  CONNECTIONS .  

MARJA  :   a  thorn  in  his  side  ,  but  perhaps  an  endearing  one  nonetheless . druian  swears  to  the  gods  she  is  only  a  means  to  an  end   -   another  conquest  he  can  twist  into  his  own  design  ;  another  favor  he  will  undoubtedly  collect  when  the  time  comes  to  harvest  what  he  has  sown .  but  he  has  grown  strangely  accustomed  to  the  feeling  of  her  standing  by  his  side  ,  how  he  watches  her  curiously  whenever  she  turns  away .  (  a  peculiar  creature  ,  a  powerful  one .  )   the  both  of  them  come  from  two  vastly  different  worlds  ,  and  if  she  ever  knew  who  he  really  was  -  what he  has  done  -  druian  is  afraid  she  would  begin  to  believe  the  stories  of  his  monstrosities    ——    she  is  the  sacrifice  he  will  inevitably  make  when  he gathers  the  courage  to  do  so  ,  and  he  can  already  feel  the  knife  slicing  her  free  from  a  man  like  him .

NAZ  :  the  two  of  them  have  stood  by  each  other  since  the  were  children  ,  when  everyone  ridiculed  him  &  everyone  tried  to  control  her .  they  both  found  some  form  of  comfort  in  each  other  that  not  even  their  families  could  provide  ——   druian  would  even  go  as  far  as  to  call  her  sister  ,  for  she  is  the  only  one  that  followed  him  loyally  into  oblivion  and  sacrificed  all  she  was  to  inherit .  naz  can  understand  him  even  in  his  petulant  silence  ,  and  pulls  him  into  line  when  his  insolence  grows  so  intolerable .  (  she  is  not  afraid  of  his  monstrosities  ,  for  they  are  hers  to  bear  also . )   for  druian  ,  there  is  guilt  whenever  he  looks  into  her  eyes  and  seems  a  homesickness  that  has  not  been  overcome  ,  but  for  now  he  will  try  his  best  to  be  everything  she  asks  of  him  :  friend  ,  family  ,  a  consistent  thing  in  an  inconsistent  world .

ZETH  :  bastard  of  a  man .  zeth  only  knows  druian  as  he  is  today  ,  and  not  for  what  he  once  was  before  he  was  cast  to  the  shadows  of  the  dark  wood   —   there  is  some  consolation  in  that  ,  although  druian  will  not  admit  it .  the  both  of  them  have  trained  together  ,  competed  against  one  another  ,  and  now  they  cannot  sever  their  tethers  to  each  other  no  matter  how  hard  they  try .  somehow  the  fellow  soldier  always  seems  to  find  him  -  always  manages  to  slither  beneath  the  armor  druian  has  crafted  over  the  years  in  exile .   they  do  not  call  each  other  friend  ,  or  brother  in  arms  ,  or  anything  other  than  an  annoyance  they  wish  to  be  free  of   ——    but  on  the  battlefield  the  two  fight  well  ,  and  although  they  would  not  admit  it  ,  the  two  can  think  of  no  better  swordsman  to  protect  their  backs  in  the  midst  of  a  war  neither  of  them  could  have  ever  predicted .

THE  UNDYING  PRINCE  :   the  very  mirror  of  who  druian  is  lies  within  the  man  he  despises  most .  every  action  druian  has  ever  made  -  every  lonely  path  taken  -  has  led  him  right  back  to  the  prince’s  shadow     ——    druian  doesn’t  know  whether  to  be  relieved  or  haunted  by  it  ,  for  this  reflection  of  his  true  self  is  something  perhaps he  does  not  wish  to  fight  anymore .  maybe  ,  it  would  be  easier  to  submit  to  all  the  promises  the  prince  is  offering  him  in  exchange  for  loyalty  ,  and  inherit  a  kingdom  more  despicable  than  the  one  that  cast  him  down .  the  world  has  never  been  kind  to  him  ,  so  why  should  he  be  kind  in  return ? 

tag  list  below  the  cut !  (  comment  /  message  to  be  added !  )

tba . . .  it’s  been  so  long  since  i  posted  that  i  forgot  (  oops . )  but  let  me  know  if  you’d  be  interested  in  being added  /  readded  ,  tho ! 

[hybrid-machine]

Getting old is weird

My brain's not the same. My personality is not the same. Trauma and depression changed me too, and makes me see the world differently. I have so many more competing perspectives which make up the whole, rather than a selective version of seeing the world pre-awareness of inner work. Dopamine isn't as easy to come by. And hyper awareness of self and world is exhausting too. Responsibility and being in survival mode is also tiring. Maintaining well-being and community when living in a hyper-independent society that assigns you sole responsibility for things that used to be distributed - is also tiring. My health is the worst it's been, due to a cascade of emotional/ life /injury things (it's all biopsychosocial isn't it), but my awareness and centeredness is solid and protective. And I will get there, with help. With focus. Wanting to fight wholeheartedly by both slowing down (countering capitalism) and matching the pace (to survive). My flame is there, and it's warm, and steady. I won't give up. I didn't know how far I'd come (in good and bad ways) until I reviewed old files on my laptop. My music taste was so broad, and I found an old recording where I was laughing with friends. In those carefree, pre-injury, pre-depression days (also denial and lack of reality days). But what struck me is how different a person I seemed from who I am now. I was hyper-bouncy, energetic, smiley, responsive, fun. A child in her 20s. Holy heck. I'm so drowned by my lack of energy these days. I know priorities have changed, and those are important and necessary. And my escapism wasn't a good track to be on. But I just don't recognise that person in the recording. So many things to reflect on. The person I've become is more honest about my needs, and more lonely and selective. More aware of self and world, and more socially awkward about seeking community. Recreation and joy are harder to acquire when the mind is preoccupied with survival and loneliness and hard work. I like the idea of just letting things happen, and seeing if friends want to join in. Not making a big deal of events, scheduling etc, just calling randomly (I do not do that btw) and sharing those mundane moments with people. Being more open about the struggles, sharing good moments, talking about potential future ideas and projects. Like holy heck I want to buy a house end of this year, what is that. The momentum of the past year. I'm just not really sure what's wrong. I was chatting to a friend about it, and maybe it's depression and capitalism, lol.

Anyhow, I rediscovered Origa (blissful female vocals music, she sings in Russian, English and Japanese.. and has done covers for anime I think, like Ghost in the Shell - which I loooove). And it's filling my brain with spheres of feelings. I think it's good to be in this space of journaling, like I used to. I think capturing peaceful moments is also nourishing. Especially in a world that is constantly demanding your attention, your busy-ness, or filling your urban environment with noise. I think I need to protect my space better. The past 5 years have been rough. Rude awakenings :P January 25, 2023

[phoenixrising0308]

An American in Cordonia: I Got This

Books: The Royal Romance 1

Rating: M (18+) Sexual situation and adult themes.

Trigger Warnings in this chapter: Parental Loss  

Pairing: Liam x Jessica Garcia (MC)

An American In Cordonia Series premise: A New Yorker seeking adventure and love finds herself living abroad to competing for the hand of a man who will become King. When things don’t go according to plan they enter into a Cordonian arrangement. This is a series about Jessica Garcia’s life abroad, her time as a suitor, and explores her romantic relationship with Liam while she lives in a Cordonian arrangement. Catch up here

Disclaimer

Chapter Summary: Olivia shows us dignity and courage under the most challenging of circumstances. *This is this blogger first Oliva-centric one-shot. I hope I did her justice*

A/N: Day 25 'I Got this" of @choicesmonthlychallenge

L/N: To may beta reader my you always shine bright like a diamond @twinkleallnight

Word count: 2,927 *please excuse typos and grammatical errors*

Average reading time: 8 minutes

Song inspiration: I got this - Jerrod Niemann

Lythikos's Nevrakis Estate…

Olivia held her stuffed wolf close to herself. Her parents got it for her on her sixth birthday. She held it close to her chest on the floor of her mother's closet with her mother's ball gowns rolled up as a pillow as her tears dampened their fur.

She had been lonely since her parent's deaths. No one wanted her, including her aunt. She was practically alone except for servants that offered her no comfort. As a Lythikos and a member of House Nevrakis, she was expected to toughen up and deal with her grief in a dignified way...Even if she was only a kid. So she put on her brave face and tried her best to grow up. But late at night, the dark and cold room became too much to bear.

She sobbed silently into her stuffed wolf, wishing it was her Papa's arms. Missing her Mama's nail's running through her hair as she sang a traditional Lythikos lullaby to comfort her after a nightmare. Now...She had no one.

“Olivia?”

She jerked up, defensively hiding her prized stuffed animal under her bed and refusing to show a vulnerability. Even her own parents were cold to her outside of their home so as to not show a weakness that could be exploited by enemies.

“What are you doing here?!” Olivia angrily snapped, quickly rubbing her eyes in the dark and hoping he didn't see.

The young Prince stepped forward, his delicate features scrunched up sadly. “I heard you crying….”

“So what? Did you come in here to make fun of me?!”

“Olivia, I would never do that to my friends. It's okay to cry.”

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise at the word, “Friend?” Before she guarded herself once more, glaring at him. “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to see if you're okay...Do you want to talk about it?”

She huffed, “What is there to talk about? Poor Olivia is an orphan, and no one wants her. No one cares!”

Liam reached out to cautiously touch her shoulder. She flinched.

“I care, Olivia. Lots of people do! We came here to make sure you were okay.”

Olivia released a heavy breath, fighting a war within herself to resist the urge to cry on his shoulder. She braced herself instead.

“...I don't need your pity, Liam.”

“It's not pity!”

“Yes, it is.”

Liam offered a small smile and guided her to the bed to sit with him. The two kid's legs hung from the edge, barely touching the floor as they talked.

“No, pity is feeling….” He pondered on the word. “I think pity is feeling like someone is weak because of their loss, and I don't think that way about you at all. I can't imagine how sad you are with no siblings and both of your parents gone...I'm sorry, Olivia.”

Olivia's lip wobbled, and she sucked in a breath. Liam took a chance and took her hand. She looked up at him in shock. He simply smiled at her.

She cracked. Against her better judgment, she grabbed him in a tight hug. He hugged her back as she sobbed into his shoulder that night.

The Next Day…

Olivia laid in bed, embarrassed over the night before.

'Mama and Papa would be ashamed of you! A Nevrakis crying on the Prince's shoulder all night long like some weak baby...Now, he probably thinks you're pathetic. Your first and only friend, and he'll never talk to you again.'

She heard a knock on the door. Groaning, she put on her wolf-skin robe and tossed her braid to the side in annoyance.

She was greeted at the door by an excited Liam. She blushed at seeing him, averting her gaze in shame and glaring at the floor.

“What do you want?”

“You're coming to live with us!” He blurted out with a grin.

She looked up with wide eyes, “What?”

“Yes! I talked to Father; Both he and my mom agreed to let you stay at the Palace for as long as you need to!”

Olivia just stared for a moment, “...Really?”

“Yeh, let me help you pack.” He walked in, already chipper as ever. He went to reach for a suitcase at the top of the dresser before it almost fell on him. Olivia rushed over, quick reflexes catching it before it toppled over on top of him.

“Oh...Thanks for that.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Let me pack my own things before you hurt yourself.”

“Are you sure?”

Olivia smirked, not used to anyone offering help. From day one, she was expected to do everything herself as a sign of strength. She turned back to him with a grateful smile.

“I got this.”

Years Later - New York City

Du Mont Burger…

Jessica balanced the trays of drinks from the bachelor table to the bar with a heavy sigh.

She glared over her shoulder at the grumpy man that had already spilled a drink 'accidentally' and the one with the stuffy suit that tried making a comment about her 'curvy figure.' The other one was childish and came off too strong in an annoying way. Then, there was the handsome blonde one. She felt her heart flutter when he greeted her...

'He's definitely not from here. It's like a breath of fresh air to have someone straight out of a fairytale walk into this place. He's probably married, being that good-looking AND polite. The grumpy one is most likely the bachelor that didn't want to come… They better tip well for this, that's all I gotta say.' She absentmindedly thought.

She was surprised to feel someone tap her shoulder and see the blonde man looking down at her.

“Miss, I have to apologize for my friend's behavior. I don't want you to have too much trouble.”

“Nothing I can't handle.”

He smiled down at her.

“You seem like the type to be able to handle anything. I hope you're having a good night.”

Jessica released a shocked snort of laughter. “Me? Not too often, a man at a bachelor party asks if the waitress is having a good time.”

His gaze was sincere and worried for her impression of him. “Well, I just wanted to make sure you were.”

Jessica smirked at him. “I got this.”

Lythikos Social Season…

Olivia was the host as she danced the Cordonian waltz with Liam in front of everyone.

Her gaze went to Jessica, green-eyed jealousy overtaking her. In an attempt to shock the crowd as well as gain Liam's favor, she rushed forward to kiss him. He stiffened against her in surprise before she parted. Gasps and stares from around the room that she could care less about.

Liam looked down at her with a reserved expression as they left the dance floor.

“Olivia, a word?”

“Of course, Liam.” She smirked, shooting Jessica a triumphant look.

He took her outside to the balcony; the snow drifted through the wind on a relatively calm night.

“Yes, Liam?”

She smiled to herself, 'This is it! He is finally going to admit he loves me as much as I love him. That every single woman here is just a distraction from us.'

She was eager, more eager than anything in her life. He stared at her with a sad expression, and her smile slowly faded.

“...Olivia. I care about you dearly, but...I don't appreciate a public kiss like that.”

Olivia's brows pushed up as she frowned at him, “I...I apologize, Liam. It's just...I got so lost in the music, the dance...You.”

Liam sighed heavily and leaned against the railing to overlook the mountains.

“Olivia, I don't want to hurt you. The truth is, I don't know what to do.”

She reached forward to put a hand on his shoulder, “Liam, you have to do what's best for Cordonia...And what is best for you.”

An awkward silence came over them. She sighed as a soft smile played on her lips.

“...Do you remember when we used to play in the snow as kids?”

Liam smirked, “How could I forget? You barricaded Leo and unleashed a barrage of snowballs on him. He swore you got him sick that winter.”

She grinned, and they both chuckled as she said, “Just weeding out the weaklings.”

She turned back to him, “And that's what I'm doing now…. Liam, these women don't care for you as I do. They haven't seen you when you're sick or when you cry. They haven't heard your stories or created secret codes with you as I have in our youth. I know you, Liam...I care about you deeply, and I want what's best for you. I will be there as a Queen for Cordonia, but I'm also here for you too.”

Liam looked like he wanted to protest but repressed it. He gave a thin smile to her and stood up.

“Thank you, Olivia...I'll keep that in mind for the future.”

She smiled back, “That's all I ask, Your Highness.”

He was silent for a moment. “...Do you think...That if you're Queen; you can be both kind and fair to the people? That you can be open-minded to new ideas and a more progressive ruling? Do you think you can be a gracious and loving Queen?”

She huffed, “The people need strength, not someone to coddle them. I will be understanding, but I will never be weak. I will be progressive as long as it doesn't let our enemies think we have vulnerability."

He gave a humorless smirk, “I expected that answer.” He started to walk away, and Olivia deflated.

“Olivia?” He turned back around, and she stood up taller in hope.

“Yes, Liam?”

“Can you promise me that you will always be an ally to me, even if you're not chosen? I don't want to lose a dear friend. “

Her heart sank, but she wore a brave face. She gave him a reassuring smile.

“Always. My loyalty to you is absolute.”

He gave her a warm smile, “I should return; it would be unfair to the other suitors. Do you need me in any way?”

She felt a lump in her throat and a stinging in her eyes that she refused to let win.

'Always the gentleman. Always the generous Prince. Always looking out for everyone… Even me.'

She gave a lopsided smirk, her voice practically a hoarse whisper. “Go on, Liam…”

She sighed out.  “I got this.”

Applewood Apple Orchard...

Jessica walked hand in hand with Liam as the moon shined through the apple leaves. He had snuck away with her once more despite what people might think.

“Jessica, I can't tell you how happy you make me or how much hope you give me.”

She teased, “Sounds like you might have a favorite suitor?”

He grinned down at her, “Perhaps.”

He glanced up at the apples, plucking one down to give her. She cringed, “Is this going to be as tart as my first one?”

He smiled, “No, the smaller ones mature faster, giving it the sweet and tangy taste that Red Ruby's are known for.”

She took a bite and hummed, “It's not bad, much better than the first time.”

He watched her in silence before she asked, “What is it? I'm not the biggest apple person. Sorry if that's offensive in the land of apples.”

“No, it's not that...It's just. I have some choices to make. I'm going to hurt people dear to me with whatever I choose.”

She frowned, “Oh...I see.”

“Jessica. If you were Queen, what type of Queen would you be?”

She pondered for a moment, “Well...I know I would make mistakes sometimes, but nothing major. I would be someone the people can look up to but also relate to. I don't want to be a dictator. I want to bring hope to Cordonia even in trying times. You may disagree...But I would change laws and tariffs to match the modern age. I would expand trade and build allies….Most of all, I would support you, but that doesn't mean I won't tell you when an idea or choice you make is a bad one. I will be your Queen, but I will not be some doll to sit on the throne looking pretty. I WILL tell you how I feel and my ideas.”`

She held her breath, waiting for her answer to be the wrong answer to him.

'I don't care. I care about him, but I will not be any less of me for anyone.'

He slowly gave her the biggest grin before releasing a joy-filled chuckle. “That...Is such a Jessica answer, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you.”

She smiled and said, “A Jessica answer? Well, what can I say I got this I can handle what’s thrown at me and if I have no clue I will ask my most trusted advisor to help guide me.” She looked up at him as she gave the apple for him to finish. He looked surprised before smiling.

“You do realize sharing an apple is a traditional union between couples, correct?”

She smirked back, “Uh, no, but I can't say that's a bad thing.”

“Certainly not.”

He smiled and took a bite. Once he swallowed, he bent down to kiss her. She sighed into the kiss, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as he embraced her. He parted sooner than she wanted with a regretful expression.

“We should probably head inside before we have a search party looking for us.”

“If we must….”

He escorted her back, “Jessica, I hope this wasn't too much. To drag you away from your country to deal with nobles and other suitors. I know some of the Ladies can be daunting.”

She scoffed, “Liam, it's me. I chose this. I don't do anything I don't want to do.”

He smirked down at her, “I know, but-”

“For you? I will ride any horse, bake any pie, compete with snobby nobles and even deal with rejection if you don't choose me. I will never regret this.”

She gave him a confident look. “I got this.”

A Few Months Later…

Royal Train - Engagement Tour

Olivia was greeted by Liam, giving her a grateful hug. She returned it, closing her eyes for a moment before they released.

“I'm so thankful to see you again, Olivia.”

She frowned deeply, regret and shame evident. “Liam, you have to know that I had no idea of my parent's treason. I'm so ashamed and -”

He held up a hand to speak, “Olivia, I know you had no idea. I didn't either… But Father and Bastain did. It was why we went to visit you afterward; to investigate. I thought it was only to help you. What Father's motives were for letting you live with us is debatable, but regardless, I know you had no idea and no part in it.” He sighed and continued, “I heard about your letter and why you felt the need to leave that night.”

Olivia mumbled, “Believe me, Liam. Whoever did this will pay dearly.”

“I agree. As you know, Jessica received one as well with false allegations and the tabloids smearing her name. Whoever was in charge of this will pay dearly for what they have done.”

Jessica walked up to them; Olivia frowned. She wanted so badly to hate her.

Jessica looked to Olivia with a grateful smile, “Thanks for helping us, Olivia.”

She scoffed, “I'm helping myself and Liam.”

Jessica sighed but kept her smile, “Well, regardless. You're helping me too. I appreciate it. I can use all the friends I can get right now.”

Olivia faltered at the word. She had only ever had one person call her a friend, and that was Liam.

Liam reached over to hold Jessica's hand, looking deeply into her eyes as if no one else was on the train. “I can't stay long, my love. But I promise we are going to fix this. With the Beaumont's, Drake, Olivia, Hana, and You? There is nothing we can't do.”

Jessica smiled tenderly up at him as Olivia watched them. Her heart sank further as she saw just how much they were in love with each other.

'...He'll never look at you that way. He only ever looked at her that way. Your childhood fantasy of ruling with him will never happen... He doesn't love you, Olivia.'

She swallowed and tried to keep her composure as they kissed in front of her before Jessica went back to sit with Drake, Maxwell, Hana, and Bertrand.

Liam walked to the door and whispered to Olivia.

“Olivia, I owe you so much for your friendship and support to me all these years.”

She smiled sadly at him, “You owe me nothing, Liam. You will always have my support.”

He glanced over at Jessica before giving Olivia a fearful expression.

“Please...Protect her. I know you have your differences, but she reminds me of you in a way, and you both need each other right now.”

“Her and me? How?”

He smiled, “You both are stubborn, strong-willed, courageous, and kind women. She may show her kindness more openly, but you have that in you as well.”

Olivia stared at him as he held her hand, just like when they were kids.

“Please, protect her for me.”

Olivia nodded, “I got this.”

She watched him leave as tears sprung to her eyes before she blinked them away. She nodded her head to herself as she glanced over at Jessica, who had slowly earned her respect. The only thing holding her back from liking her was her own jealousy.

'...I got this.'

[arranbert]

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[obeymeluv]

The Baby Assignment [Lucifer]

I have a list of actual headcanons for demon baby behaviors, but this is not that post.

You and the boys have a baby! (sort of). 

You should’ve never told Diavolo about how high schools used to have practice baby classes.

Note: most of the genders and children come from “The Bros as Dads” post.

Cut me some slack on the names. I didn’t really have them planned, haha.

Lucifer:

Extremely skeptical. This whole assignment depends on you two standing in a summoning circle and--in a flash of light there’s a KID in the middle of the floor.

It’s a GIRL! 

This triggers his demon form on reflex because he’s startled and can’t help but have flashbacks of Lilith. You’re cooing to the little girl and Lucifer feels breathless as he takes in her hair (it’s his) and those big eyes (they’re yours)

His wings flap a few times before pressing close to his body. This has caught the baby’s attention and she’s staring at him with more intelligence than a child should have.

The professor says the child will grow exponentially over the next week or so and she should be able to deliver a report on how competent you are as parents. Their developmental age will be assessed and factored in as part of the grade.

You walk carefully over to Lucifer, eyes shining and a tiny fist in your hand and oh Diavolo, he wants this child to be real right then and there!

The naming doesn’t happen until you’re back at the House of Lamentation with a massive magical trunk that will spawn child necessities. You sit in his study as the baby looks around and points to things. You name them off.

You’re in the middle of walking her over to look at his records and watching her slap things on the shelf, trying to feel them with her fingers, when he gets the idea to name her after one of the human composers he knows (”Marianna.”)

You honestly thought the addition of a literal child would throw Lucifer off but he’s prepared. It’s only then you realize he’s been alive for thousands of years and helped raise the other six people in the house

Enjoy your view of Lucifer wearing a baby sling for the first three days because unless you have a real kid together, this is the only time you’ll see it

The two of you work on a schedule and carve out time to teach the child on top of your other duties. Sometimes you’re hooked up to the sling, sometimes it’s him. He gets a kick out of seeing you tote the kid around and usually catches you tickling her feet.

Diavolo graciously lightens up on Lucifer’s paperwork load (BY A LOT!) in exchange for seeing the child and playing with them

Most of her facial expressions take after Lucifer’s and Diavolo is BEYOND amused

After day 3, Marianna gets distressed seeing Lucifer sit so long, so she’ll toddle you to Lucifer and just points until you do something about it

100% a daddy’s girl and Lucifer has a hard time keeping his pride in check. It’s coming off of him in waves

She says her first words between day 4 and day 5 and Lucifer wants to cry (he does) because the first one is “daddy”

From day 5 on it’s a constant fight to keep her close because the bros want to smother her for being so cute and are bugging her to say their names

Marianna is partial to Satan and Lucifer is secretly glad. Satan acts all smug about it.

She has Lucifer’s insistency for perfection. Mammon was messing with her tea party set up and she bit him for moving her plate in the wrong spot. That was day 6 and she had her pointy baby demon teeth. Marianna got a little whisper scolding that Mammon would’ve died for BECAUSE SHE GETS KISSES WHILE SHE’S GETTING SCOLDED? FOR REAL?! HE GETS STRUNG UPSIDE DOWN!

Marianna hates being fussed over and likes to dress herself. Whatever you or Lucifer fix, she undoes when your back is turned.

One of her favorite hobbies is sitting on Lucifer’s lap and practicing her handwriting. She also likes to brush his feathers. Marianna asks to sleep in them and will try to hide from you in them. The giggles give her away.

By day 7 she has the intelligence of (at least) a 6 year old and has velvety nubs for horns. You learned that demons like to rub their horns against hard surfaces (or loved ones) as scenting and for their growth.

She accidentally scratches you up, not quite understanding you’re human, and goes into an absolute meltdown. She didn’t mean to hurt you.

Goes into a freaking rage when anyone tries to fix you up. Wants to do it herself. This kid is a literal puddle of apologies, please hold her.

She cuddles you for the rest of that day and officially gets her own little desk beside Lucifer on day 8. Marianna pretends to write her own letters but mostly draws. Bugs Lucifer with the random stuff Satan and Levi teaches her but he doesn’t mind.

You’d bring them snacks every now and then and sometimes you’d hear them singing together (ever so quietly). You didn’t know Lucifer could sing. 

Lucifer has woken up with a fist in his face, accidentally been punched in the eye, and has been kicked away at least once since she was big enough to sleep in the bed. She takes after Lucifer in the way that she needs you behind closed doors. Marianna doesn’t sleep unless she can feel both of you next to her. 

Lucifer officially has bragging rights about sleeping with you (even if he won’t pull that). Secretly gets the best sleep of his life. Really starting to feel the parent thing. A kid with you would be nice.

Marianna gets little fluffs for wings on day 9 and they “air box” when she’s angry. She demands back scratches for how dry and itchy the feel and you figure out she purrs like Lucifer.

She doesn’t always prank Lucifer but when she does, she hides his pens and makes him play hide and seek with her to get them back

Marianna likes to help out in the kitchen and loves setting the table. She gets mad if anyone messes with the napkin folds you guys practice. She makes a tiny Lucifer screech when Asmo gets obnoxious with taking pictures for Devilgram and Mammon nearly breaks his chair trying to run out of it. She laughs like you.

Around day 10 she insists on a family day and Lucifer has this sinking feeling in his gut that she knows she won’t be around much longer. Maybe it’s a side effect of the spell. The two of you spend the day running around the Devildom taking lots of pictures. Diavolo crashes a few of those pictures.

She spends day 11 burning the midnight oil with Lucifer. Around 9 PM he’s trying to send her to bed. Marianna just drags a blanket back into his study and snuggles down. He notices all her old pictures and some new ones she’s drawn. “It’s my book,” she tells him.

“Your book?”

“Yep.” she colors in the lines carefully, the finished pages pushed away and much better than her older ones. “It’s for you guys, for when I go away. And for your school.”

On day 12 you bring her back into the class, she’s dressed in similar colors to Lucifer. She wanted to look good for her presentation and she said ‘dad always looks nice’.

Marianna talks through her book, calling back memories of building blocks and playing hide and seek. She’s very proud of the pictures from two days ago. They’re her favorite. She shows off her horns and the “dad roar”.

You and Lucifer walk her to the circle. She stands in it as the spell determines her final age. She’s about 10, pushing the limits for growth as determined by the spell.

“I wasn’t here a long time, but I had fun.” she hands him the book and gives you a much longer hug than Lucifer. You wonder if it’s her way of apologizing for having a favorite even though she was good to both of you. “Maybe I’ll see you again sometime.” she looks up at Lucifer as she hugs him, her chin pressed into his stomach.

“Perhaps.” Lucifer takes on his demon form as the circle starts to glow, flapping one wing at her. She “air boxes” back before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

It’s a quiet, lonely silence. Very cold. There’s a subtle warmth in Lucifer’s embrace as he guides you back to your desk. It was brief, but you see why she likes his hugs. 

[naki-taki]

Do I wanna know?

Pairing: Eustass Kid x Reader

Scenario: A battle of bands were you expose to Kid your feelings in front of everyone in the most subtle way or that's what you want to think.

Warnings: a mini paragraph with smut, bit if you find something tell me!

The creak of the big doors of the Newgate's club got your attention from the invitation, as you entered with your band your nerves started to get the worst of you. Why wouldn't you be nervous? It was the final round of the battle of the bands.

Out of fifty bands, only the best five had the opportunity to compete for the last three spots in the final battle, the battle of The Pirate King. Well known for the great band of the greatest singer Gol D. Roger, who was sadly retired because of a voice damage.

Your group went to the backstage with the rest of the bands. You were impatient and stressed not because of the battle obviously you were but you couldn't bring yourself to admit it but because of him.

He was going to see you. YOU were going to see him. After all the things you went through. After your broken heart watching him kiss and looking Bonney with adoration, an adoration that was never in his eyes after all those nights spent together. After all the tears you had to see him for first time again on this day.

"Welcome everyone body! Tonight in the New World, one of the greatest club ever we are going to have the final round! FUFUFUFUFU" Donquixote Doflamingo announced with his tipical grin.

"Sadly forty-five of the bands lost and we got left the final five. All of this bands are part of the worst generation. SO LETS GIVE SOME CLAPS FOR OUR FIRST PARTICIPANT, THE HEART BREAKRS!!" that was the announcement of the start of the battle and it was sealed at the moment that Law put his feet on the stage.

"For the one's that are not informed tonight we have a cover battle! Each band was secretly informed the genre or the band they have to make a cover of and the best one wins!" eagerly said Shanks.

Music started to play on the back and you started to get more nervous. At least you haven't crossed paths with Eustass but that changed after Law finished. When he entered in the backstage and went straight to talk to you Kid passed near and "accidentally" pushed the surgeon of death looking you directly at your eyes. Giving you again those mixed messages like when you confessed your love for him.

You sighed and went with Johnny and Yosaku to talk about anything to make you forget what was happening. They made so great the job lf distracting you that you didn't notice when the Strawhats, Kid's and Hawkins' bands passed.

"And for the last band we have the Hunters! With (y/n) as a lead singer! SO LET'S GIVE THEM A CLAP! FUFUFUFUFU" you nearly choke on air as you heard Doflamingo's announcement. You weren't ready. "DAMN IT I'M NOT READY" Minoruba screamed. "Well me neither! So shout up and get in there to play the drums!" Johnny kicked Minoruba.

"Good night people! We are the Hunters and tonight we are going to cover Do I wanna know by Artic Monkeys! Please enjoy" you shakily comment. A sigh escape from your soft lips and the guys started to play the melody with their own spice.

How many secrets can you keep?

'Cause there's this tune I found

That makes me think of you somehow

And I play it on repeat

Until I fall asleep

Spilling drinks on my settee

Your soft voice recite the well known lyrics as your eyes traveled over the silent crowd to find his eyes. When you knew you had to cover Artic Monkeys and that he was going to be there you automatically chose the song.

So you searched for Kid to find that last flame that was going to make you win because so many years harvesting this love for him weren't going to be a waste you had to make it clear. At least they were going to be useful now because so many nights replaying his songs to listen his voice again, so many nights yearning a heart that wasn't yours and all your feelings and so many nights seeking again for his touch were going to be your fuel.

-Do I want to know?-

If this feeling flows both ways

-Sad to see you go-

Was sort of hoping that you'd stay

-Baby, we both know-

That the nights were mainly made

For saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Your mind wandered to the memories of him. Memories of you being pressed against the cold wall, with sweat rolling down the valley of your breast while Kid was groaning in pleasure as he rammed into your wet pussy. Memories of you being pulled by your hair as he fucked you senseless. Memories of how the next day if you met with him and the guys he would act as if you barely knew yet he knew you better than anyone.

The crowd started to clap. Your friends in the crowd started to sing. Killer and the boys started to whistle because they knew about your, not so subtle for them, intentions and they knew the real feelings of Kid. They know that Bonney was just there to get you out of his heart and his mind. They knew that you were going to make his mind go havoc.

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling

When you've had a few?

Because I always do

Maybe I'm too busy being yours

To fall for somebody new

Now I've thought it through

Crawling back to you

Your hands were trembling over the microphone and your heart was aching. As a Sad to see you go, was sort of hoping that you'd stay left your shaking lips your eyes met his and you started remembering the last night you were together and that lonely morning when you saw her in his arms. And then the past nights when he told you that he wanted you, how you always fell on his bed even he told you that was the last time.

You were close to crying, so you closed your eyes until Yosaku leaned on your back and the sound of the bass and the guitar got stronger. You opened your eyes again and looked to Yosaku understanding his message 'This is your moment not his' so you sang with all your might, with all your confusion, sadness and love. With the biggest smile on your face and looked to the crowd again. Eyes locked with Kid's, never showing fear nor weakness you said:

-Do I wanna know-

Do you want me crawling back to you?

You let a sigh escape your mouth as you finished. With your left hand you swiped your sweaty forehead. There was no room for your thoughts just for the cheering screams of the crowd. You felt relieved and turned around to hug your band.

"So to finish the night! We are going to tell you the winners!" Shanks shaked the black envelope "So... In third place... THE HEART BREAKRS!!" Screams echoed around the club. "On second place we have the Hunters!" you froze. Yosaku started to jump with Minoruba and Johnny hugged/lift you up. "And on first place... THE STRAWHATS!"

When the announcement finished you went backstage alone while the guys went to party with the rest of the winners, you weren't on the mood to party so you wanted an alone time. You opened the door to your room and when you light it up strong arms snaked on your waist.

You punched the owner on his face. You punched him hard, like really hard and you were going to strike again until he talked. "Fuck. I never thought you could punch so hard. Dammit I didn't even thought you could punch"

"OH SHIT SORRY! I-I...I... It wasn't my intention! You scared the living shit out of me" you took his face on your hands and inspected it.

"I'm fine" he murmured and you were still engrossed on his face. "If you want to watch me I'm fine but at least so it after I'm done talking to you, weirdo!" He slightly pushed you with blush on his face. "Congrats you were awesome out there..."

If you didn't knew him you would though it wss because he was into you but you knew he was ashamed of saying that out loud. "ummm thanks, you too? No, no, you too! It wasn't a question, you know what i meant! You shaked hard your head.

"Hell I do, that's why I came here" he got closer to you if that was even possible "You think you can come and sing that looking straight into my soul after ignoring me for days without consequences? Doll you should know better" he pushed you against the wall and kissed you hard.

"This feel float both ways. I just didn't want to..." you kissed him shutting him up. He laughed "eager, are we? I missed you too" his hands slipped in your pants, touching your womanhood and you moaned. You were going to let him take you now and there.

"Hey Cap! Come on to party-.... With us..." Minoruba opened the door with Johnny on his back. "uh never mind i see you're... busy..."

"Well not anymore, you damn cock blocker" You sighed and composed yourself. "let's go. If I'm not going to enjoy my time, I won't let you enjoy yours!"

[taeyongfmd]

📌 pinned post.

here’s your introduction to ash kwon, aka taeyong, polaris’s resident maknae / main vocal / lead dancer / rapper, songwriter / producer, soloist, director, walking disaster, and, as his antis would say, ‘privileged problem child !!!!‘

his profile is here and his plots page is here. there are also other connection ideas at the end of this post!

anyway i think that’s all,,, if you want to plot/re-plot with him or if we had a plot going you want to see if we can work out keeping, like this and i’ll message you!

last updated: 03/31/22

triggers: mention of substance abuse (alcohol, drugs) and hospitalization

background

born in san francisco on christmas eve in 1997. ash’s dad is an engineer and his mom is a journalist and photographer.

they had him young, but some family money on his dad’s side and a few good gos at the stock market kept them comfortable. they weren’t mega rich, not exactly fuck you money, but they always lived very comfortably with few financial worries. if asked, ash would say he grew up in ~an average middle class american household~ but he went to private school and lived in a nice townhome in san francisco so,,,

he very clearly loved music from a young age and began playing piano at four and violin at five. took to them both very naturally. down the line, he’d start dancing at seven and playing guitar.

he competed in some piano and violin competitions here and there and was pretty successful. ask ash around middle school and he would have said his career goal was being a jazz pianist

he would go to australia often over the summer with his mom when he was a kid because his mom was born in australia and she did some work there.

he auditioned for dimensions entertainment on a whim on a trip to los angeles and got offered a trainee contract, and he moved to seoul right when he turned thirteen. he didn’t know korean very well, and he was near immediately (like.. a few days/weeks after moving to seoul) thrown into a television show next generation with five other trainees.

next generation was like??? hell for him. dude was there like a week and they said ok ok cool you can handle being the main vocal, a dancer, and a rapper for this show right?? even though your korean is Not Good so you can’t even understand what’s going on ? and ash didn’t know what he was getting into.

they lost and ash felt kinda responsible for it? like dude was not prepared and didn’t understand what anyone was saying so he wanted to leave when the show was over but he couldn’t because contract.

so he remained a trainee because he had to and he was a lonely trainee. he was pretty much a shoe-in for polaris’s debut lineup unless something went terribly wrong from like day one of being in dimensions since he’d been on the show and that was a lot of pressure. he threw his all into training to live up to his all-arounder/triple threat/golden maknae/boy wonder type of image from next generation, but he was a member known for not participating in the youtube logs as much. pretty much set the tone for his idol image (good at everything except uhhhh,,, connecting with fans and being likeable?)

during this time, he took songwriting more seriously as a method of bettering his language skills and added that to his resume by the time polaris debuted.

he debuted at fifteen as the maknae, main vocal, lead dancer, and rapper of polaris. he was talented, especially for a kid so young, but wasn’t great at the whole idol thing still.

he had a couple of attitude controversies mostly caused by cultural differences or ash not being great at communicating, but they’ve been mostly forgotten now though people who don’t like him will point him out as moody/rude/attention-seeking still.

the first few years of his career were generally okay. he stayed in the background and didn’t branch out into solo activities, keeping to himself and trying to find ways to enjoy the fact he was living his dream. it didn’t live up to what he expected because he valued freedom so much and didn’t get a lot of it and he admittedly hated being the maknae of the group because it felt like he was never taken as seriously

wrote and produced their first ~big~ song “i need u” and got taken more seriously by the company and fans as a songwriter and producer after that. has worked on several polaris songs as well as others since. notably, wrote “spring day” and gets those good good longest charting song royalty checks as well as some other songs for polaris and calypso

in 2017, he released trouble maker with another idol, which helped him make an individual name for himself

he made his solo debut later that year. he was only nineteen at the time but the solo debut really got his name out there as an individual and a songwriter with an identity separate from polaris (the romantic but angsty r&b boy with the honey vocals ; would eventually grow into the image of a james dean rebellious heartthrob type) and though he was only nineteen, he started to shape a career of his own.

was enjoying his ability to branch out as a solo even though it put more of a spotlight on him. the year after his solo debut, polaris really started to break out in the us (where he had to take on a more prominent role in interviews than he ever had because of his english fluency) and he released his second album

had a dating rumor not long after his solo debut because a sasaeng had gotten pissed at him for ~not being thankful enough to his fans~ but that was quashed extremely quickly by dimensions because they couldn’t have their saving grace boy group go down like that. it garnered some talk and to this day, his antis try to connect him with the actress the dating rumor had been with. 

dimensions pushed him because he was doing well, and he only started doing better. he released successful solo music and wrote successful songs. everything seemed great on the career side of this life.

he was getting brand deals, magazine covers, solo concerts, solo fanmeetings, songwriting gigs, etc., but he continued to struggle a lot behind the scenes mentally, and after an ankle injury in 2018, his physical health took a hit.

had another dating rumor in 2019 because a girl’s private instagram got leaked and there were pictures of him / of them together, but they weren’t compromising enough dimensions couldn’t paint it as friendship. the girl wasn’t someone the public really liked tho so even being friends with her took a hit on his image.

also started to come into himself more at this time and was determined to give less of a shit about what people thought. has gotten tattoos and facial (and nipple and navel) piercings since, which he’s also gotten hate comments for.

he didn’t plan on renewing his contract with dimensions in 2020 because he wanted to leave and live a normal life, but he was in a very bad place mentally and had a lot of people around him (like managers) pressuring him to re-sign (a consequence of his social circle being so industry-based because he got into it so young :/) so he ended up re-signing. honestly was in such a bad place he doesn’t even totally remember why he did it but he did so :/

ended up hospitalized shortly after re-signing due to an ankle injury + because of mental health issues / physical health issues 

and then last summer, when he took a mental health break because he was still in a bad place and spiraling because he realized he was trapped in a contract for another six years

he’s sensitive so the amount of hate he gets and the anti campaigns does get to him, but he’s actively trying to care less.

very much struggles with the idea of wanting to be true to himself and knowing that if he conforms a little more, he’ll get less hate

image

kwon taeyong, the golden bad boy of your dreams if you’re a stan or entitled spoiled overrated hellspawn whiner if you’re an anti

wattpad bad boy with a heart of gold slow burn fic in human form much to ash’s dismay

basically sold as good at everything (the whole “golden maknae” schtick) : great singer, good dancer, and he can talk fast sometimes !! (he doesn’t really consider himself a rapper since he thinks that’d be disrespectful to actual rappers) + great songwriter/producer + fairly pretty 

like dimensions literally put him on next generation with polaris as the main vocal after he was in dimensions for like less than a month at age 13 i’d hate him too

this marketing has obviously invited antis to call him overrated and point out his flaws and how there’s some idol somewhere who’s better at every single one of his skills !!

made his solo debut at nineteen so that didn’t help with the antis (or his stress levels) either

antis call him an attention seeker.

terrible at fanservice. will not entertain your questions abt marrying him . or most of your questions in general . 

his stans get their parasocial kick from all the sad music he writes and releases and their speculation abt his private life instead

a little edgy in looks and personality (if refusing to speak in group interviews is edgy), some people don’t like that either but he (allegedly) stopped caring

sometimes is forced to speak a lot more when they’re in the us because he knows english . only does it begrudgingly tho !

has been linked to women a few times in dating rumors but they were always denied

so he’s very polarizing ? polaris’s level of fame doesn’t help either

he’s very established as a songwriter/producer, which has earned him some respect and acclaim as a songwriter and producer / “artist” and not just an idol. he’s worked on a lot of polaris’s hits as well as songs for calypso and other solo artists. basically while it’s impossible to shake the idol image when you’re in one of the biggest boy groups of all time, he’s leaned more into the “artist” image as a solo artist. gets some level of respect for being so singularly involved in his own music and has managed to get some fans as a soloist he wouldn’t have had otherwise.

personality

romantic, reckless, independent, idealistic to a fault while also being painfully jaded, and creative

perhaps a little more reckless than he should be as an idol with so many eyes on him and he oscillates between extreme paranoia that prevents him from living his life to complete disregard for his status as a celebrity

like there are definitely blind items abt him on, like, western celeb gossip sites that aren’t a good look for an idol but no one really pays attention to them especially in korea so

pretty damn insecure personally, but more secure in himself professionally since he’s established himself as a respected songwriter/producer and is, you know, Mega Famous. still validates himself on chart success a lot tho rip and does doubt his own abilities and struggles with artistic fulfillment at times

cares deeply for those close to him but isolates himself a lot, so isn’t always the best at showing it

is the kind of person who’s hard to get close to. has been burned and had his privacy invaded countless times before + nowadays it’s hard to tell who talks to him for him and who talks to him for the connections, so he keeps a lot close to his chest and when he does open up, that’s often followed by him becoming even more distant. this is an issue both in friendships and romantic relationships. has had either a very small circle of friends or basically no friends at different points in his life since moving to seoul. even fans call him basically a loner with no friends

depending on the day, his first impression can be kind of cold and quiet? that’s his idol image and he’s very introverted and reserved around strangers.

he’s a workaholic, but only in regards to work he cares about or feels the need to prove himself in. will not be a workaholic for the sake of being productive in an area he could not give two shits about

has been a public figure in some sense since thirteen (when next generation aired) so he’s got some classic child star issues <3

honestly he can be kind of judgmental. one small thing can make him decide not to like or trust a person and it can be hard to change his mind after that

a sad boy who says he just wants to be happy but sure doesn’t act like it !!!

connection ideas

as a Serious and Established^tm producer, ash would love to work on songs for people, even if they don’t get released. dropping by his studio to work on a track is the easiest way to actually socialize with him, so give me people with solo ambitions ash helps out by working on a few tracks for, people ash asks to sing demos for him, people who he helps teach songwriting/producing, other songwriters and producers he respects, etc.

friends? ash is not good at keeping friends, but i’d like him to have some. especially people he might have met outside of a work setting.

romantically, ash has been very messy, especially in more recent times (like mid-2017 to end of 2020)  — a lot of flings, hookups, messy relationships, so he’s open to a few of those kinds of plots. (open to all genders, but generally around his age or older). could have either been incredibly emotionally intense for him or completely lacking in emotional intimacy on his end, likely not a whole lot of in-between because he does not do moderation. could also be people he rejected (may have led them on) because of his emotional hang-ups

people who hate him for all his character flaws or sometimes reckless behavior or are wary of him because of his image or because they encountered messy!ash off the clock

someone who saw next generation when it was airing but didn’t keep up much with polaris so when they met ash they were like ?? this kid actually debuted ??

people he sees as little siblings or mentees that he’s taken under his wing to protect. he doesn’t want the idol industry to eat away at anyone else the way it did to him.

alternatively, older people who watch out for him. he’ll act like he doesn’t need it, but he’ll appreciate it deep down

calypso members.... listen, i don’t have exact ideas necessarily but i headcanon ash has a soft spot for them since they’re his seniors and he’s written some songs for them . like he promos all of their comebacks n maybe is allowed to be a little more openly friendly with them ?? idk just a thought

one of the few friends he trusted enough to confide in in 2020 when he was in a really bad place and re-signed with dimensions. they encouraged him to leave like he wanted to but when he did re-sign he felt ashamed and shut them out and they have like no clue why because they were just being a good friend

alcohol, drugs, substance abuse // ash gave sobriety a try in early 2021 but it didn’t work out. so, someone who he used to be and/or still is messy and drinks / parties (/ worse) with ? could also be someone he had a bad influence on and got them into it yikes . but either way maybe they had a falling out now or support him idk . 

ash is into filmmaking (he’s directed a few music videos) and photography, so people who will be his model / muse for photo shoots or videos that will never see the light of day. or have him be your muse’s insta husband for their artsy insta feed. 

ash spent a lot of his summers there with his mom growing up, so maybe a childhood summer friend he had in australia that he coincidently met again as an idol would be cute ?

if anyone wants their muse to look up to him or be a fan of his music, feel free. ash will stress cry about it.

[uomo-accattivante]

Great article about Paul Schrader’s The Card Counter - a poker movie that’s not really a poker movie...

Some filmmakers write a hit movie and spend the ensuing years trying to escape its shadow. Paul Schrader never flinched. Forty-five years after his “Taxi Driver” script put him on the map, the writer-director has developed a body of work loaded with alienated anti-heroes compelled to violent and reckless extremes for the sake of a higher calling.

That includes “The Card Counter,” in which Oscar Isaac plays guilt-stricken Abu Ghraib vet William Tell, a man with a gambling addiction compelled to help the revenge-seeking son (Tye Sheridan) of a former colleague. Taking justice into his own hands, Isaac’s William Tell slithers through the Vegas strip in search of questionable salvation, not unlike a certain Vietnam vet named Travis Bickle did from the driver’s seat. As if to cement the comparisons, “The Card Counter” features Martin Scorsese as an executive producer, marking the first time the two men share a credit since 1999’s “Bringing Out the Dead.”

For Schrader, “Taxi Driver” comparisons are inevitable in all his work. “My tendency is to look for interesting occupational metaphors,” Schrader said in a recent interview. “‘Taxi Driver’ hit the bull’s eye of the zeitgeist and it doesn’t die. There’s no way I could’ve planned for that, but it does inform the stories I tell.”

At 75, Schrader continues to churn out movies much like his compatriot Scorsese, albeit on a much smaller scale. “The Card Counter” is the latest illustration of the secularized Christian dogma percolating through his work. “Our society doesn’t like to take responsibility for anything,” he said. “But I come from a culture where you’re responsible for everything. You come into the world soaked with guilt and you just get guiltier.” In his own prickly fashion, Schrader makes movies steeped in empathy for lost souls in search of redemption despite the daunting odds. “We’re all certainly capable of forgiveness,” he said, and chuckled. “Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.”

The “Taxi Driver” dilemma looms large in nearly all of Schrader’s work, from the dazzling high-stakes activism of “Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters” all the way through Ethan Hawke’s eco-conscious priest in “First Reformed.” While the latter, Oscar-nominated effort brought Schrader new fans, “The Card Counter” is an even more precise distillation of his aesthetic — a moody, philosophical drama about the vanity of the personal crusade.

Schrader, who has labeled his homegrown character studies as “man in the room” dramas, embraces the parallels as usual. “There is this kind of myth that the taxi driver was this friendly, joking kind of guy who was a character actor in movies,” he said. “But the reality is that it’s a very lonely job, and you’re trapped in a box for 60 hours a week.” He saw the same logic with gambling, a wayward profession generally depicted in the movies in the context of escapist romps, rather than the somber rituals that afflict most players. “I thought about the essence of playing cards every day, or sitting in front of a slot machine. It’s kind of zombie-like,” Schrader said. “You see commercials of people in casinos laughing. But it’s a pretty glum place. Today with slots you don’t even have to pull the lever. You just sit there and let the numbers roll.”

The gambling figure led Schrader to the bigger picture of his character’s conundrum. “I was wondering why someone would choose to live in that sort of purgatory,” he said. “He doesn’t want to be alive, but he can’t really be dead, either. What could cause that? It can’t be a simple crime, murder, or a family dispute. It has to be something unforgivable. And that was Abu Ghraib.”

After the fallout of that debacle, William did time in a military prison, and reenters society before the movie begins. That was a world the filmmaker wanted to understand in clearer terms. Though Schrader has received blowback for his controversial Facebook posts in the past, in this case, the platform was an asset: He used it to track down soldiers who had done time in the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth, the only military prison in the U.S., to better understand the initial claustrophobic world that Tell endures, as well as the conflict between the justice he’s received and what he deserves. “This man has been punished by his government, set free, and paid his due, but he doesn’t feel that,” Schrader said. “What does he do then? How does he fill his time? That’s how it all began.”

Schrader himself toyed with gambling when he lived in Los Angeles early in his career, but soon gave it up. “I very quickly realized I was only interested in gambling if it was really dangerous and I didn’t want to expose myself to that kind of danger,” he said. Years later, though, the experience helped inform his story. “There is this whole fantasy of gambling movies from ‘The Cincinnati Kid’ to ‘California Split,’” Schrader said. “But poker is all about waiting. People will play 10 to 12 hours a day and two to three times a day, a hand will happen where two players both have chips. Now you’ve got a face-off. But that doesn’t happen very often. Most guys who are there are running the numbers, the probability.”

He envisioned “The Card Counter” as a repudiation of the traditional poker movie, which builds to the giddy release of a final tournament. When that moment arrives in the movie, Schrader takes the movie in a bleak, shocking new direction. “It’s not really a poker movie — that’s a red herring,” he said.

William is immersed in his casino journey when he encounters Cirk (Sheridan), the crazy-eyed son of another Abu Ghraib soldier who committed suicide. Cirk blames the soldiers’ former commander (Willem Dafoe), and hopes to loop William into the plan. Instead, the older man decides to take Cirk under his wing to talk him out of the act, which doesn’t prove so easy. In the process, the gambler forms a curious bond with La Linda (Tiffany Haddish), a gambling agent and pimp whose icy, relentless drive to make the most out of the poker circuit brings William some measure of companionship on his wayward journey.

It should come as no surprise that the “Girls Trip” breakout is nearly unrecognizable in the role of the calculated La Linda, which is also a distinctly Schraderish touch: From his work with Richard Pryor in 1978’s “Blue Collar” all the way through Cedric the Entertainer’s supporting turn in “First Reformed,” Schrader has made a habit of seeking out comedic actors willing to play against type. That’s partly opportunistic on his part. “They’re eager to do it because they want to expand their palette, so you can get them for a price,” Schrader said, chuckling again. “That’s necessary, given the kind of films I make.” But that’s not all: “They will always find a way to be interesting, even when they’re not getting a laugh.”

Which is not to say that the process comes easily to them. Haddish recently told the New York Times that Schrader had to coach her out of speaking in a comedic sing-song. The filmmaker put it in blunter terms. “On the first reading of the script we had, frankly, she wasn’t very good,” he said. “I told her to go back and read every single line without emotion. Then I said, ‘You’re not going to do that in front of the camera, but you can’t hit every line either. So let’s pick five or six lines you can hit where you get a smile or reaction.’ Quickly she got that it was a different rhythm.”

As for Isaac, whose disquieting turn suggests a maniac lingering just beneath the surface, Schrader once again turned to metaphor. “I told him to imagine himself on a rocky coast in the ocean,” Schrader said. “Waves are going to come up and get you all day every day. They’re going to try to batter you. Let them. The waves will go away. You’ll still be there. Don’t compete. In the end, the rocks will win. You have to learn to trust that the way these things are put together has more power than the individual movement.”

William’s routine includes an odd ritual in which he covers all the furniture in his various Vegas hotel rooms with white paper. While the motivation is never explained, Schrader said it stemmed from an experience with production designer Ferdinando Scarfiotti on the set of 1982’s “Cat People,” when Schrader realized the man was doing the same thing. “He said, quite simply, ‘I have to live here surrounded by these ugly hotel furnishings,’” Schrader recalled. The concept inspired the new movie’s most compelling visual motif. “Casinos are very ugly places. There are no exceptions,” Schrader said. “Often you aspire to finding pockets of beauty and there weren’t really any here except the only place he could control, which was his hotel rooms, where he could privatize his visions. I came up with this ritual for him to control those visuals.”

At a certain point, Schrader himself couldn’t control the visuals of “The Card Counter” for more prosaic reasons: After an extra tested positive for COVID-19, the production shut down last March, with five days of shooting left, and couldn’t resume until July. Though Schrader initially took to Facebook to fume at his producers, the pause eventually opened up an opportunity to tweak his vision. “I edited the film and put in placeholders for the five or six scenes of consequence that I hadn’t shot,” he said. “I didn’t have a fully finished film but I could screen it for people. Normally you only get that privilege if you have a big-budget film and you’re allowed reshoots.” The early audience included Scorsese, who provided a crucial note. “I asked Marty, ‘What am I missing?’ He said to me that the relationship with Tiffany and Oscar was too thin. So I rewrote those scenes.”

Schrader asked Scorsese to take on the executive producer credit as a favor. “I said, ‘Marty, wouldn’t it be nice to share a card again? I thought it would help sell the film but it would also be a cool thing to do after all these years,’” Schrader said. “Then a couple of weeks later his agent called wanting to work out a deal. What deal? I asked Marty and he said yes. That’s the deal!” Now, the pair are trying to collaborate on a new long-form TV series based on the Bible, though the timing has been delayed by production on Scorsese’s upcoming “Killers of the Flower Moon.”

In the meantime, Schrader has been mulling over the way “Taxi Driver” not only continues to inform his storytelling but the world at large. “Hardly a week goes by that I don’t notice or hear some reference to it,” he said. “But I don’t know how you’d tell such a story today. A number of writers have tried and I don’t think they’ve succeeded because it has to come out of a certain place and time. We have plenty of these incels around, but they’re not as original or revealing as they were 45 years ago when that character came on the scene. I wouldn’t know how to write about it.”

Instead, his next project is a love triangle called “Master Gardener,” which he hopes to shoot in Louisiana before the end of the year. He has several other potential scripts ready to go after that. And while he has expressed trepidation about the future of cinema in the past, he’s not convinced that audiences have given up on it yet. He recalled a conversation he had with Cedric the Entertainer when “First Reformed” made the rounds. “He said off-handedly to me, ‘You know, I didn’t realize there were so many people who liked serious movies,’” Schrader said, and chuckled once more. “Well, yeah, there are.”

“The Card Counter” premieres next week at the Venice Film Festival. Focus Features releases on September 10, 2021.

###

[dear-yandere]

☽ darling, don’t leave me.

yandere! jojos + dio. general headcanons. tw: mentions of physical abuse, gaslighting, confinement, and noncon (dio’s part).

art credits: rosuto, ぴの, wW 武 Ww, unknown, suan, tumbleweed.

Jonathan Joestar is obsessive.

A true gentleman, Jonathan knows better than to let his feelings stray from his control. Still, he’s never been one to pursue love, so these feelings are entirely new. He courts his darling like any other self-respecting man of his time, allowing them the space to choose whether or not they desire him too. He doesn’t take being turned down personally as he’s perfectly content with merely being by his darling’s side. Even seeing them fall for another man is something he cannot force himself to intervene in; every smile and laugh not directed at him hurts far worse than any punch he’s ever received, but Jonathan thrives in seeing his darling happy and carefree.

Clingy as he may be, he isn’t above taking a few of darling’s possessions should the opportunity present itself. A head band or hair tie here or there, perhaps a pair of gloves or a hat his darling is sure to not miss — Jonathan is surprisingly adept and subtle at stealing and keeping these little trinkets. Darling may notice a few missing possessions, but it’s nothing Jonathan can’t laugh off as a misplaced item and easily replace with something new and extravagant. Money isn’t a problem, especially when it comes to his sweetheart. If it means they’ll stay by his side — or even look his way as more than a friend or confidant — he’ll give his darling the world.

Overbearing and well-meaning as he is, even gentleman aren’t without their flaws.

“You don’t have to feel the same. All I ask is that you don’t leave me.”

Joseph Joestar is protective with a hint of possessiveness.

Acting much more like an older brother rather than a lover — similar to his grandfather Jonathan — Joseph is hyper-aware of anyone that might hurt his sweetheart. He’s not sure how it came to be this way, really; it’s a first for him to not know even his own feelings. His darling is easy enough to read, and perhaps that’s what got him into this situation, where even the slightest brush of skin against his or the mere sound of them saying his name sends his nerves on edge. He likes the attention they give him when he acts like a brotherly figure; there’s no need to worry about unwanted feelings developing between the pair. At least, darling doesn’t have to worry, because Joseph falls in love despite his precautions. It isn’t until a competent rival appears that Joseph becomes rather intensely possessive and competitive — a rival like Caesar.

He hates losing, especially when he had his eyes set on the goal first. The moment a suave man like Caesar sets their sights on Joseph’s darling, he’ll turn snarky, snappy with even his darling. It’s a brutally stark contrast to the playful, chipper demeanor he usually bears, but it’s easy for darling to play it off as him having a bad day — until he doesn’t relent. His grip is harsher these days, his tone more grating and condescending whenever darling shows interest in his rival. At some point, he’ll lash out whenever they show interest in any man other than him.

If his insecurities and one-sided love are kept unchecked, he has no qualms with cutting his darling’s connection to anyone he deems a threat.

“Of course I’m jealous! You’re mine! You need me!”

Jotaro Kujo is manipulative with a hint of sadism and lucidity.

With a cool and collected exterior, it’s easy to convince his darling that everything they believe is wrong. Even a lionhearted lover will doubt themselves; or rather, Jotaro would seek an individual like this out. He’s used to women and men swooning over his good looks and alluring physique, though he doesn’t care much for the attention. Even when he degrades and admonishes his admirers, they fawn and swoon over him — it’s nothing short of disgusting, really. 

His ideal darling — the only type of person he’d seek out, rather than let come to him — is someone with a steel heart, someone hellbent on rejecting his words as law, someone who puts up a fight. Degrading and humiliating them will be a treat, a fun little challenge to come home to. He doesn’t want them to enjoy this in the slightest; he wants them to slowly break, to slowly doubt every piece of information they hear unless it comes from his mouth. Even the death of a loved one will seem surreal, exaggerated, fake unless he says so himself, and even then he won’t allow his darling that sort of luxury.

Once he’s tied his darling down (with a ring, and with ropes), they won’t see very much of him. As he pursues his career in Marine Biology, he’s often away on business trips, his only excuse for long periods of absence being “it’s too dangerous”, or some slew of insults thrown his darling’s way. He isn’t fond of divulging much of his personal life with them even if they are the love of his life; to him, secrets come hand-in-hand with relationships. Darling’s life is in danger simply by association; it’s best to act as if they don’t exist. Still, that doesn’t mean he’ll let them slip through his fingers. When he wants something, he’ll get it even if it’s eventual. 

Darling was doomed the moment he found an inkling of interest in taming them.

“Don’t look so scared when I’m around. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.”

Josuke Higashikata is protective with a hint of delusion.

Sweet and compassionate as he may be, Josuke isn’t immune to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and obsession. He rationalizes these feelings as merely being protective of a good friend of his, but it’s not until his friends point out that what he’s feeling is love that he truly understands why his heart pitters and patters like raindrops when his darling’s around. He completely understands if darling doesn’t return his feelings — these things take time, he’ll say — but he doesn’t take kindly to jealousy of any sort. A mere mention of liking someone else will have him moping and distancing himself, but he’ll stay around just enough to ensure his beloved’s protection.

Josuke wouldn’t fare well with a darling who’s familiar with getting under his skin. Even an insult or two to his hair isn’t enough for Josuke to give up on his one-sided love; if anything, it’s an opportunity. Crazy Diamond has the power to heal after all, and when Josuke’s emotions run away from him, his darling may end up with more than a few cuts and bruises. Bones will be shattered, blood will be spilled, and apologies will fumble past trembling lips as darling’s abuser fixes them up — as if nothing ever happened. The only trace of evidence are the tears in Josuke’s eyes and the excuses on his lips — this easily becomes the norm. Both he and his darling will constantly tread along eggshells, the former worrying that his actions destroyed any chance of a relationship and the latter worrying the next time they step out of line, they’ll die.

But Josuke wouldn’t let his sweetheart die, no. He can heal whatever wounds they may receive, even its its from him. He’s a platonic yandere, at worst, and an overbearingly violent one at best. 

“Please don’t scream. People will think I did something terrible to you.”

Giorno Giovanna is manipulative with a hint of protectiveness and lucidity.

This soldato is cunning and intuitive, a natural-born leader with charisma rivaling his true father’s. He turns heads wherever he goes, inspires everyone he meets — it’s almost laughable how easy it is to twine people around his fingers. As a mere Passione soldato, he isn’t much threat to his darling, but as don, any hope of escaping his suffocating love is slashed. His control reaches farther than his darling can ever tread, and although he understands why his little coccinella would go so far as to run away, the thought of being without them is inconceivable. How can he protect them if they’re not at his side? Without him, darling could fall in love with the wrong person, someone who wears a mask and will hurt them once they’ve settled down together; without him, darling could fall in love with a monster. His step-father was like that, and he’d made Giorno’s childhood a living hell. So how could he let his darling tread that same path?

With a well-behaved darling, the don is a fairly normal lover... once they get past all the bodyguards and paranoia-filled lifestyle. Unlike his father, Giorno is not sadistic in the slightest; rather, seeing his darling in physical or emotional turmoil hurts him. He’s more apt to manipulate them in subtle, gentler ways rather than through brute force or threats. After giving them a new identity, he’ll keep them someplace safe, a private island off the coasts of Italy, somewhere heavily guarded and devoid of life except for his beloved and their bodyguards. It’ll be lonely, he’s sure, so he’s certain to visit whenever he has an ounce of free time. But even he can’t replace one’s need to feel social, safe, normal. That’s just the price his lover has to pay as the future spouse of a mafioso.

If he lived a different life, there’d be no need for all of this. Giorno’s love is bittersweet at best, but that realization isn’t enough to let his darling go. They need him, perhaps just as much as he needs them.

“I really can’t take it when you cry like that… smile for me, alright? You’re so pretty when you smile.”

DIO is sadistic, manipulative, and possessive.

Love has never done much for him, not in the way feeling powerful has. He prefers ruling over others rather than giving someone the ability to rule with or over him. His darling is nothing more than a plaything, at best — something to pass the time, something to sate his curiosity. Just how far can he push them before they crumble between his fingers and shatter like a precious gemstone? He takes pleasure in testing these boundaries, humiliating his darling as if that will help him understand this odd feeling humans call love. It’s possible for him to truly fall in love with his darling, but they will never take priority over his desire to end the Joestar bloodline. Perhaps, once he accomplishes this goal, his darling will be something nice to come back to, something stagnant and forever his.

He’ll go to lengths to break his darling, over and over again, see how much torture they can withstand before they realize that crying out or begging gets them nowhere. Will they hide their defiance under a facade of obedience, or will they truly break? It’s all an experiment to Dio, but either way, he’ll force them to be his little sex slave — sometimes, if they’ve behaved particularly nasty, darling will be the sex slave of his devoted followers, a little reward for being such wonderful subordinates. 

Apart from sexual torture, he’s keen on testing his darling on tidbits of information from the books he reads — completely mundane and often vague questions designed to make his little slave fail. It’s just a precursor, really, because he likes seeing them shine with determination only for it to shatter before their eyes. Punishments always follow, usually humiliation or sexual assault of some sort; though if he’s in a particularly bad mood, he won’t shy away from physically hurting his darling. All the better to break them with.

It’s a miracle if darling survives this little game of his, but if they do, he’s certain to keep them around for far longer than he originally anticipated. Being immortal can get so boring, you see, and what’s the fun of bottomless money and endless casual sex if he can’t keep an entertaining and worthy slave here or there?

“Tell me you love me as I fuck you into the mattress.”

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Absolute Penn

Pairing: Beth Harmon/Benny Watts Rating: T Word Count: 1429

Summary: On Christmas Eve, Beth remembers her mother's words about holiday travel and spontaneously departs for New York City.

She hasn’t experienced a crush of human bodies like this since she was mobbed by elderly Russian men at a chess park. Thankfully, here, everyone is just passing through and their determination to navigate the crowd secures her anonymity. Nobody wants to shake her hand—they don’t even notice her. So many people are coughing and sniffling. Although it’s hot and she’s been regretting putting her heavy coat back on since the instant she stepped off the train, Beth tucks her face into the woolen collar to breathe more private, hopefully less germ-laden, air.

The suitcase in her hand collides with her own knees and those of what feels like hundreds of others as she weaves with the masses to escape the platform and stride down the comparative spaciousness of the concourse. She could’ve flown. She should’ve flown. Why didn’t she fly? Beth tries to recall her reasoning as she cranes her neck to hunt for signs, something to tell her how to get out of here. Which way to the damn fresh air?

Right, right, right, because New York to Moscow (and the reverse) was a hellishly long trip and she hasn’t wanted to board a plane since. Planes are lonely things, without her mother sipping a Gibson and drawing her out of her thoughts every once in a while. Beth didn’t seek out a travel companion on the train that brought her to Penn Station either, but she had the landscape to watch as her passenger car shuddered northeast, not just sky. She’s seen an awful lot of sky in her life. Clouds are ghoulishly repetitive. Déjà fucking vu for the entire duration of an overcast flight.

Unfortunately, the train journey isn’t paying off in all the ways she anticipated. Alma’s assertion some years prior about the ease of traveling on Christmas is being disproven. Viciously. It’s either because Beth took the train on Christmas Eve, thereby missing the golden travel window by a day, or this station doesn’t ever take a break from… this. She has nothing to compare it to; the last time she was in New York (the only time), she arrived by car. Benny’s car. And she has a good memory of inquiringly ruffling the parking tickets accumulated on his windshield as he shrugged it off—that’s what stopped her from driving.

Beth finds a bathroom and traps her suitcase between her feet as she splashes cold water on her face and the back of her neck. She’ll recommit herself to the task of finding an escape in a minute, but now that she’s here, well, her competence is withdrawing inside herself and her nerves about the next part are rising. Where the competence was a hard shell—the ability to ask clearly and firmly for directions while wearing an invulnerable expression—the nerves are sweat and vapour. They rise and pass through her skin, leaving her damp, insubstantial. She didn’t tell Benny she’d be coming.

They’ve spoken. They’ve called and even narrowly missed one another in person when they both decided to drop in on the same tournament (to see friends, not to play) hours apart. After Moscow last winter, coming to New York to visit him felt like too grand a gesture. Of course, now she’s come anyway, and on Christmas Eve, which really can’t be categorized as less subtle. She obviously should’ve just done it right away. Waiting has led to something dramatic and undisguisably meaningful. Fuck. Beth snatches her suitcase off the floor and pushes back out into the swarm of travelers.

Even the oxygen seems harried. People jog and dodge and she can’t tell who’s trying to catch their train versus who’s just arrived in the city. At first glance, there’s an equal panic over everyone. But she starts to notice others: couples in love with the hands not holding luggage clasping each other’s; a group of young women, a little younger than her, maybe, wearing nice shoes and satiny skirts beneath their coats, red-cheeked and probably on their way to a Christmas party; children, too dizzied by the flurry to be cranky with the parents dragging them along by their mittened hands. Beth remembers her mother, Alice. She remembers her own sullen face in the bathroom mirror at Methuen, wishes she could take that girl’s hand and tug, bringing her into this moment, the two of them gliding amongst the trundling hoard, out into the snow she saw from the train window. The sun set on the way and the stuff sprinkled down throughout. She’s going to step outside into a city that looks like a postcard, and that’s what propels Beth up and out. Almost out.

He’s standing at the ticket counter.

“That much? Did I walk into Penn Station or NASA? I said Kentucky, not the Moon. You can’t tell me Kentucky’s a popular destination. Who the hell wants to go to Kentucky for Christmas? Until Irving Berlin writes a song about it, nobody, that’s who. Nobody but me. Bullshit, fifty-three dollars. How ‘bout… twenty?”

Benny’s attempting to negotiate on his train fare. This is so funny that Beth can temporarily compartmentalize that he’s buying a ticket. A ticket to Kentucky, from what she’s overheard. Smirking, she strolls over.

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” she says lightly, eyeing the way he’s shaking a twenty-dollar bill at the impassive ticket seller. His hand slaps to the counter as he twists to stare at her in shock.

“What are you doing here?”

She laughs and feels her cheeks flush from the naked longing on his face.

“I live alone, it’s Christmas Eve, I thought New York would be pretty, and, oh yeah, you’re here. Don’t tell me you’ve already promised the air mattress to someone else.”

Really, she’s impressed that he takes the time to shake his head as he reaches for her after slipping the money away, framing her face in his hands. Cold hands—a relief against her skin. He holds the pose and someone turns the volume down on the rest of the world. The noise of the station dims around them. Beth has time to lift her eyes to the snowflakes glittering as they melt on the brim of Benny’s hat. Then, she’s letting her lids fall as he slants his head and presses his mouth to hers with an intense finality. She’s convinced that she was always meeting him at the station, that the trip was agreed upon and not a snap decision she made after decorating her small tree with the glass ornaments she resurrected from the attic storage, neatly packed away by Alma each January, and realizing she didn’t have to miss him.

Maybe they’re unalike, or were; he was willing to miss her and she tossed god-knows-what into her suitcase and caught the next train that would bring her here. It could be temperament, or strategy, something in him that says wait while her internal voice says act. What she knows it’s not is a gaping disparity in feeling because they kiss with equal fervour. Benny’s face grows warm against hers and she shivers when his chilly fingertips curl around to the back of her neck.

Slowly, she recognizes that the ticket seller is asking them to move aside; their display is blocking the counter. She’s smiling when her lips part and her eyes open. He looks smug as he pries the suitcase from her hand and they shuffle out of line.

“Why, hello, Benny,” she says.

“Why, hello, Beth. Left it a little late, didn’t you?”

“Me? At least I’m not just now getting in line to buy a ticket. Why didn’t you drive?”

“My car’s not the best in the snow. Or the ice. Or even the slush, really.”

“Sounds unsafe.”

“Oh, it is,” Benny agrees. His mouth hangs open for a second before his next words fill it in a rush, “Like the air mattress.”

Beth frowns.

“What’s wrong with the air mattress?”

“Very hazardous. Yeah, it’s, uh, made of some kind of toxic plastic. Any air that leaks out carries harmful gases.”

Playing along, she says, “Don’t worry. I don’t remember it ever deflating on me before.”

“Mmm,” he agrees, “but it’s been folded up awhile now. I don’t trust the seams. I think you’d better not sleep on it, just to be safe.”

“Well, I’m not sleeping on the floor.”

Benny grins.

“I’d never let you wake up Christmas morning on the floor, Harmon. Think better of me.”

He squeezes her shoulder and steers her out into the frosty New York night.

[jtrokujo]

𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔑𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱 𝔚𝔢 𝔐𝔢𝔱

✩｡: * • .───── ❁ ❁ ─────. • * :｡ ✩

❝ 𝐆𝐎𝐉𝐎 𝐒𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐔 ❞

word count: 1.6k

It is evening.

But even though it's the spring season it is still fresh, but still cool.

However, it goes without saying that spring has just started.

There's a prom today, or better said now, and of course I don't have a partner.

But I don't care, why do I need someone for a dance?

In general, I haven't been a big fan of it since the beginning of the school year, I don't know why myself.

With my (color) dress and a mug with a full drink, I made my way outside.

I immediately sat down on the stairs that were in my perspective, even if it is cool I prefer to stay there instead of being lonely with my classmates again.

Out of nowhere, I was an outsider, I was never mean, I was respectful of everyone, things that a nice person does.

Or rather jujuzist.

There was still someone in my class who is a jujucist, because of my sense of smell I was able to find out, otherwise I would probably never have found out.

Although I still have 2 skills, I rarely use them because they can do more harm than the opposite.

Thought manipulation and manipulation of reality.

It's actually pretty cool and I would be lying if I said changing reality would be boring, but I'm sure a lot of people think of one thing or the other.

For example, I cannot erase the existence of someone or an animal.

Does that mean I can neither revoke extinct animals nor let animals become extinct, again should I?

I had a little hamster when I was little, she was cute and quite fluffy because of her weight.

After that day from school, I came home with joy.

Everything was good, I got a good grade, played hide and seek with some of my old friends and happened to have enough money to buy sweets on the way home.

I still remembered the tearing of my heart that no one could hear.

Because my hamster passed away.

Like I've been pushed into nowhere, into nothing.

I was lonely, even though I had family and friends, she was different, I didn't know exactly what, but I think it would be better not to know anything like that.

Grinning sadly, I drank the strange drink from my mug and looked up at the moon until someone broke the pleasant silence "Yo!"

I turn around, jerking in shock, the jujuzist, what's his name again?

Yes, I, (Y / N) (L / N), have forgotten the names of the most popular boys from my school, but I don't care that I would marry him.

The funny thing was that he always wore this blindfold, I seriously wonder if he's blind.

"May I keep you company?" he asked immediately, but he did not wait for my answer but sat right next to me.

The only thing I know right now is that he's a little weird, I don't know why, he's pretty big and a little close, too close.

I can even feel his breathing.

As uncomfortable as I feel, I just try to ignore him, because apparently he doesn't feel like having a little chat, which is why I just sit down until tonight comes to an end.

"What's your name?" the white-haired asked me, shattering all my hopes, sighing softly, I answered him "My name is (Y / N) and yours?" "Gojo."

Immediately the silence returned.

Gojo sat down in a more comfortable pose, through this pose there was finally a distance between us, but our legs touched.

I'm not that kind of girl who'd go mad about little things like that.

I'd rather go back inside instead of spending my last day of school sitting down with a classmate in silence and looking at the sky.

After a few minutes I got up and was already on my way when the voice of Gojo rang out behind me "(Y / N), wait!"

I turned around in amazement and saw that he was coming towards me and I automatically looked up because of his size.

"Yes?" I asked immediately and looked at him in amazement, only where should I look?

I can't see his eyes through his blindfold, and besides, what for?

However, this is not my business.

"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked out of nowhere.

"I beg your pardon?" surprised by this sudden question, I was glad to be able to answer normally.

"If you want to dance with me." giggled my counterpart and immediately reached out his hand with slightly pink cheeks - which luckily he could hardly see due to his blindfold - I took his hand.

Due to the loud volume that could play in the sports hall as well as hear the music, it was a bit slow, but still suitable for the mood.

He quickly put my empty cup down a little far away from us and began to guide me.

After a certain point, he turned me around so that my back was touching his abdominal muscles.

Either he just dances a little differently from the others or he does it on purpose.

Now my cheeks turned red like a tomato.

His soft lips found their way to my ear and whispered, "You're not a bad dancer, (Y / N)."

The tall man fastened both of his classmate's hands with one hand and pulled down his black blindfold with the other.

Immediately afterwards he turned her back into a normal pose so that she can move around while dancing.

That was interrupted by his eyes.

While (Y / N) tends to dance with his mouth open, Gojo prefers to grin and continues to lead (Y / N).

When the song was over, the two youngsters had stopped dancing and looked at each other rather lovingly.

A few seconds later he put his blindfold back on where they were before and the conversation continued. "What do you want to do after graduation?"

"I have no idea what about you?"

The white-haired man proudly said, "I'm going to be a teacher at a school where I teach jujuzists."

The joy is clearly written on his lips and it makes me happy to see him happy even though I have known him for about 10 minutes.

"Why are you not coming?"

"I am-“

Out of shock, which was more of an irony, he took a deep breath and acted like a drama queen. "But I guess I know you're a Jujuzist."

"But how?" I asked puzzled, still stay normal.

Gojo told me that it didn't matter and offered me one more time if I would like to work with him at a school.

I mean, I have no particular career aspirations, I am a Jujuzist, I like to help everyone as best I can and I can probably improve and improve my skills.

"Yes, of course." I answered him dearly, you the silence came back again, but this was a little different from the previous one.

Gojo sat down where he was sitting before and knocked his hand next to him, hoping that I would keep him company, but I mean why not?

I sat down next to him in silence and immediately laid my head on his shoulder and looked at the moon.

TIME SKIP

Today is a special day at Tokyo Prefectural Jujutsu High School.

Rather said for the students, because today the classes compete against classes.

I just hope no one would overdo it, but since I found out that someone was eating Sukuna's fingers, I've given up.

Luckily it hadn't eaten such a psycho, well, this person would probably have died by like Itadori had luck by his side.

However, I kept an eye on Gakuganji's students.

Because one of them had languished one of my students, but if I should find out that one of his students, or even all of them, one of my students is only a hair too crumbly I break every bone of Gakuganji.

But back to reality right now, all the teachers are in the room looking at the monitor.

While Gojo now and then tries to be in a conversation with someone from this room, the others prefer to ignore him.

But I can't hold it against them and even though I'm his girlfriend, I love heart, right?

Almost an hour has passed, but I can feel an uneasy feeling, I appreciated a look out of the window.

Immediately I turned around and said "We have to get out quickly, our students will probably be attacked!"

Gojo got up amusingly, of course with his comments, but it was Gakuganji, not Iori, who got the stupid comments.

We ran out as fast as we could, the so-called 'shield' leaned on the ground, but as much as I accelerated my pace I was apparently not fast enough.

Surprised, Gojo touched the 'sign', but immediately let go.

There was a small bruise on the palm of his hand, but as well as I know him and his abilities it will go as quickly as possible.

But in contrast to Gojo, Iori can go through half her arm right away.

"Is that an 'Anti-Gojo Satoru Shield'? Gojo asked us, to which I replied," Would be possible. "

The two teachers decided to watch the spectacle inside.

Gojo held my wrist, just like he did at prom, "Gojo, I have to go." "I know, but please take care of yourself."

I tiptoed a kiss on his cheek and walked away.

"You're not either, Gojo Satoru!" Suddenly a stranger yelled at me out of nowhere, well that could be something.

[myriadofunchartedworlds]

I've been rambling so much about the finale today because I have so many thoughts about the growth of the stories of the different characters and/or relationships.

BATHENA 4.13 had them talking about how communication is still an issue for them and with it came the underlying hurt of "Do you not value me enough to include me in your decision making especially when it comes to life-changing choices?". But Athena literally walking through fire for Bobby - and also essentially going against protocol and risking the job she loves - is a loud declaration of how valued Bobby is in her life and how much more important he is.

HEN So Hen's story actually mostly "wraps up" in the previous episode, where we not only see that she has earned the respect of her study group but also her mom. Her struggle to prove herself despite being a "minority" in so many ways is shown here. Hen is a woman who defies odds. She's a well-respected member of the LAFD, despite being a queer woman of color in a boy's club. Now, she's an older medical student who was able to successfully diagnose and seek help for a patient (her mom) better than a real doctor did. She demonstrated an empathy this doctor failed to have and basically assuaged any doubts her mother had of Hen making the right choice by pursuing this career path. She also grew from her struggle of entrusting Nia to someone else, of allowing another person she perceived as failing Nia to love her. While there was closure when they discovered why Nia was separated from her birth mother, this new step of allowing Nia to be a part of their lives again while knowing that it is not in a parental capacity speaks even more of her ability to love deeply. I think with her, it's less growth and more of further proof of Hen's heart and love for people.

MADDIE Her admitting to Sue that something was wrong and then telling Chimney that she needs help is a huge thing. We saw how she was trying to appear fine and put together for him in the previous episode. We also know that she began this show as a "lone wolf" thinking that she couldn't drag others down into her problems with her. (Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Buckley + Doug for being awful examples of "love"). Buck had to convince her to stay and let him be her support system. Chimney had to work to be let in. Maddie is more often seen as the one supporting instead of being supported. So Maddie realizing it's okay to ask for help and also realizing she has people she can count on is the biggest sign of growth from Season 2 Maddie.

CHIMNEY We know Chimney sees Buck as a little brother, especially since he's Maddie's brother; but he also had no say in Buck joining the academy and then the 118. With Albert though, he definitely could have stopped his plans in the tracks especially since it would have felt remarkably similar to Kevin joining the academy and becoming a fellow firefighter. That he supported Albert's firefighting journey (and likely encouraged him every step of the way - we know he and Buck probably did a lot of drills with Albert, with Hen definitely helping with the written parts) feels like a beautiful full-circle journey. Now he gets to do what he loves with a brother again. Also, not to mention how he used to be jealous of Albert but now he lets the boy "follow in his footsteps"? As someone who struggled with constantly comparing herself to her siblings, this is huge. It's damning proof that he no longer sees his brother as the golden child he has to compete with but a person he gets to share the things he is passionate about with.

BUCK + EDDIE (But not in a Buddie way, hear me out. It's worth it). The will is such a game-changer and basically the loudest statement anyone could ever make, both with regards to Buck and Eddie. With Eddie, it is the biggest proof that he has finally found someone he could trust Christopher with (aka his whole world). Eddie's core struggle is similar to Maddie (and most of the 9-1-1 characters), which is being able to let someone else help him as he juggles his different roles. Eddie came into LA feeling like he was drowning, cutting himself of from his former support system because his parents wanted to permanently take Christopher in. That definitely made him more wary of asking for and accepting help. But lawsuit fiasco notwithstanding, there was suddenly a person who provided him with help without removing his autonomy and parental rights. This person introduced him to Carla, got "bring your son to work day" all cleared, built a skateboard for his son, and poured himself out to save Christopher during the tsunami. The will is him acknowledging that after Shannon, after his parents, he can finally relax a bit and not worry about Christopher or even himself. Did you see how unworried Eddie was when he saw Buck the first time he woke up? Did you notice how, after checking that Buck wasn't hurt, he didn't have to even worry about making sure that Buck would take care of Christopher while he was healing up? The guy knew his world was in good hands. Now compare that to the Eddie who was stunned after Bobby let him bring Chris to the station, to the Eddie who hesitated before telling Buck about his son, to the Eddie who debated about letting Shannon back in to Christopher's life again. What growth. With Buck, his central struggle has always been finding people who love him enough to stay. Buck 1.0 was him avoiding commitment because he thinks this is all he can get to temporarily fill the void. Firefighting and the firefam were another set of void-fillers (hence why he fought so hard to come back to the 118). Both the arc with Red and that really damning statement in the crossover (where he actually doubted that Hen would break rules to rescue him for a second) tell us that he's not completely secure about people staying for him. He wasn't enough for his parents, for Abby and Ali, for Maddie (for a while), for his firefam. That's why he thinks he's expendable. Eddie including him in the will takes on a different light when you think about all it's trying to say. It's not even just, "You have people counting on you now." or "You have a Christopher that's going to stay a you stay for him too.". It's also Eddie saying that, "Even if I might leave you physically, I am leaving the last part of me - my life/heart/world - Christopher to you.". Which is a less cheesy, less cringy and much more concrete way of saying "I'm still here in spirit.". Buck finally has two someones who will stay. (And now I think I've just made myself cry).

[magnusetdona]

Hello there family! Back from the dead and ready to kick things into gear. Please bear with me as I update Brina's bio and her page but to help with plotting and to explain what's going on with our most elegant and wonderous badass babe of science and medicine I humbly present this to you! Below in are the current state of mind / things regarding Sabrina Mackie:

*** i tried to make it small that didn’t work so thank you so much for reading <3. gore tw, death tw, blood tw & mentions of these.

REGARDING FAMILY:

Bram Mackie: Supporting her brother's decision to become a supernatural in order to avenge their family and level the playing field in that regard what is done is done. For a moment it felt like she would lose him, like she had the tiniest doubt ( and still does ) that Bram would die and not complete the change. Now that he has and he's no longer in the hideout there is a stronger pull to make the journey into were-territory to do as she's always done and that's make sure he's alright and to take care of him. Brina has been trading in the black market for hard to find items like bacon, smoked ham hocks and specialty meats and things and plans on making a large spread as promised for him in his new home. The bacon/smoked ham hock / meat ( likely used for a polish hunter's stew - eden's heritage is showing ) will draw a decent crowd if not most werewolves in a decent radius. Bram hadn't approved of this sort of dealing before and certainly wouldn’t now knowing how often she’s frequenting insanely dangerous places to get these things but mackie’s tend to do what they want. ( she’s not told him the detail of her experiments or how she’s come up with a system to sneak into bite clubs and shady af places to collect samples that we will touch on later ). its her plan to make those who will now be involved with his life aware she is still a huge part of his and she still loses sleep over him knowing he's not in the other room now and how can she save the big bad werewolf from dying if she's not there?

Cardelle Mackie: With the injuries Cardelle has endured, both mentally and physically from his last altercation with a high vampire and their last conversation... Brina is concerned about him. With their older brother now a werewolf and on his own personal quest she'd holding the pieces of a tattered playing card and the tattered soul of her other elder brother, the much more handsome one she will aways tell him not knowing how to patch the latter up completely. Brina's ad a front seat to the differences between Bram & Card and now with Bram gone is again worried about how Card will react to this void knowing he's always competed with Bram to be better at everything instead of loving himself. Brina's noticed the uptick in drowning his sorrows and this has in turn made her push herself in the repair of the playing card and her brother. She's currently thinking of ideas on how to possibly help him out in all aspects of his life and quietly harboring deep resentment towards the vampire that so thoroughly wrecked him. Additionally she's torn between asking Card to move in with her or just move her things into his place and tell him she's living there now to take care of him and help him back to where he was and then better than before. She looses a ton of sleep thinking about how she can watch out for him and give him all the good things he deserves. If anyone can make steal ten seconds of happiness, Brina would steal them for Card not matter their cost.

Rory Mackie: She is still missing the other half of her soul. the chaos to her genius and its like losing part of herself - the phantom limb. Being twins she feels a special connection with her that is hard to explain that causes her not to give up in the search when so many others have moved on worrying about her. Brina didn't see her at SRS and since then I don't imagine the brothers with their own issues have had a chance to update Brina on this revelation. So for the moment every time she goes out to gather samples, wander the city discovering things and every chance she gets to speak to black market vendors Sabrina is looking for Mackenzie Rhys picture and all. The connection is fraying, not severed but if Rory were dead Sabrina would feel it and she dreads the day she might and then its one more step closer to being the last Mackie left alive and Sabrina even then would probably seek drastic measures to get her sister back. In short her family keeps her up at night wondering if they are safe and Sabrina doesn't give up on making sure they are okay and this connection out of every other is the one if she looses it will likely kill her. Brina would be lost if she loses Rory entirely.

Lucky Jones Adams: Lucky though not blood is a Mackie through and through. To the end of time and that last days to where eternity falls off into nothingness this is her sister for life. It's not like the connection she has with Lorelai where their souls are bound by some inexplicable twinness and a sixth sense though the way she feels about Lucky is the same. Her sister. A woman that helped raise her into the woman she became and while Sabrina is the first in a long line of Mackie's to hunt search for an alternative solution Brina would wrestle gods and slay demons if it meant Lucky would stay. She understands the disappearances, knows the struggles of the other without the exact detail. There are pieces Sabrina knows that the other one keeps close to her chest - Lucky is the lone wolf of their family but that doesn't stop this member of their small clan from worrying. Sabrina won't push it knowing she too disappears into her lab for days on end or travels about the streets of calamity slipping through crowds and what not and she admires Lucky for all she is. With her being back now and back to herself thanks to the Mackies and their hand Brina would love for one of her brothers to tell Lucky they love her. Brina is unaware that Bram has said this and Brina just wants to keep kindling their relationship. If anything were to happen to Lucky or hurt her with everything its not likely Sabrina would let her disappear again and Brina would be there constantly, earnestly to help Lucky keep a handle on all the things or just be a comfort. When the world is spinning she knows she can count on Lucky but Sabrina wants to extend the same love and care that she's always felt from Lucky now Lucky is around and back to being themselves.

Michael Fothergill: Sabrina's first and second encounters with Mike have been rather interesting ones. Meeting her brother's best friend and now fellow werewolf. He's crazy she'll give him that and the type of crazy her sister would readily enjoy but Brina has strange feelings about Mike. Having declared herself the defacto matriarch of their family ( she thinks this not that it's actually true ) accepting someone new into the fold is a task. She's not against him no - quite the opposite she is entirely grateful to Mike for all that he is. He's just the type of off the wall the family melds well with and during Bram's turning he was there and he held her hand while she was afraid for Bram's life and kept her safe in case something went wrong. Admiration. That is what she feels that and gratitude for him now that he is part of their lives and there for her eldest brother when she can't be. Goodness she has questions though about werewolves and the life they live and wants to be sure she can trust him with the life of someone she loves and by extension Mike is now someone she also cares and worries over and will when she stops by Bram's new place bring him food and be on him too to make sure he's doing alright. Brina plans on having lunch with him or asking for some time to better understand what Bram is going through - he's not blood but he has no choice in the fact he is now part of the family at least in her mind.

REGARDING HER FELLOW HUMANS:

on the current state of the human faction: Brina has been keeping to herself, flying under the radar and honestly operating on auto-pilot. She does her work, eats, works, has a snack and then holds up in her lab for days. That or she switches out on the day she's not working to checking her plants and finding some other way to do something to keep busy. Or she's out on her own little scouting trip, wandering the city collecting more things, mapping more or spending time in the black market meeting interesting people or having dinner there trading there as well becoming quite the regular.. However hearing their commander has become a vampire now ( however unintentionally ) and Axel's moving up in the chain of command she's got a lot to think about. They are in a shambles really, she feels and she worries without a stabilizing force what will become of her entire life or the safe haven they built here. Brina might speak to Axel about moving locations now or even becoming Head Medic or more. Brina could never fully leave them - never abandon them because everything she does is to gain knowledge to better help them all and one day make it so they no longer need to hide and can roam around safely. Brina want's to help but she's not sure where to start knowing most everyone there and knowing everyone needs a hand. Tis stressful coming out of ones lab to find the rest of it in some form of chaos. These are her friends and they are like family and Sabrina is only one person who can’t do it all, patching everyone up and watch them go through it without suffering a little herself. She’s currently thinking of ways to help but has yet to approach anyone yet to do this officially If anything the recent happenings in short have inspired her to take on a more intensive role within the faction and work harder on the projects she’s got going on to protect those who are left. If anything she’s going to crack into that massive journal and have a plan to pull things together to help her human family.

REGARDING OTHER SPECIES:

regarding vampires:  brina is considerably guarded on her feelings on them around most people. truthfully she wouldn't have a problem with them knowing this is their form of sustenance and most at a base level are surviving like everyone else. she wouldn't have a problem if they didn't show a complete disregard for humanity both of those they drain and themselves. she can understand some of it but what for a woman driven by facts and knowledge, a need to understand the world and in turn make it better all of that is speculation. Adding in the general sentiment a hunter family has around vampires who they steal humans, keep them as feeders and show little regard for the lives they take even indirectly by robbing them of that person and all the knowledge of hundreds of years they refuse to share and hoard to themselves it angers her. Mostly because she wants to know why because her life is built on knowing why and making plans and fixing things. It wouldn't help either by the fact people she's cared about have been turned and they are different people now. all in all though she has a healthy fear of vampires, she won't go volunteering to be bitten but would show respect to one if one respects her and would like to have an honest and frank conversation with one to understand why they are the way they are, what drives them, what their weaknesses are and yes then how to fix them. She doesn't wish to kill any of them because they were yes once human even if they no longer remember. In all honesty her protectiveness even extends to them in some odd way and there are a few who inspire her to continue her journey. The only one she would gladly see dead is Demetri for what he did to Cardelle - this is one thing she hasn't voiced to anyone. 

regarding fae: There has always been bad blood between humans and fae and Sabrina isn't sure why. She can assume its because at one time humans were horrible creatures and some still are and to have soured a potentially incredibly fruitful relationship troubles brina. Again a being of understanding, hungering for knowledge and a way to build and protect their mutual interests ... she's wary. Wary only because of the way she's been raised and the way they have been raised knowing she herself is a rarity among humans who's interest is in science, medicine and understanding of the world reach farther than just helping humanity and they don't know her enough to trust her. Sabrina would like to cultivate closer relationships in hopes to seek a more harmonious discourse and stronger ties to heal old wounds and learn more about them to lend assistance. Would it be so terrible though to admit Sabrina is curious about magic, eager to study the small sciences and mysteries of a world that humans are denied access to? . Brina is still careful how to approach this thought knowing the power fae have is no joke and regardless of their classification any angered fae, pissed off is deadly and some are simply cruel for shits and giggles. She has a healthy respect for them knowing she if admitted into one's friendship or even tolerance is a gift.

regarding werewolves: She has a new found love and respect for them as Bram is one now. Growing up as a Mackie and the spawn of generations of hunters being told not to trust them and how dangerous they are now with an in via Mike and Bram she'd like to know more about them. Their transformation, their drive how they live and exist to understand more. Brina is no fool, will suffer no fools either and is perhaps the most careful of the Mackie. She's got plenty of things in her bag to protect and defend herself from every sort of being but she is excited quietly to meet more of them and this new part of Bram's life. They will see her quite often after all as there is no separating her from his life and in her expanding understanding to know worlds of knowledge hidden from her and perhaps share some of hers to help Bram's new family.

regarding witches: Sabrina while silent on most things as she is extremely quite on making her above opinions known ( while this is changing ) she is appreciative for witches though the sentiment is not always shared by others. She appreciates them and their craft again having a healthy respect and fear over their powers knowing she is mortal and they are in a way but supremely gifted. Were it not for Zyler Fane would the sickness that had been continue on and effect more and in the black market, Sabrina, has been gathering hard to find items for some of the witches there in exchange for this or that but never magic spells or curses but to gain their trust and ask for help finding persons she needs to. They are dangerous if they are dark and the magic they manage is nothing Sabrina balks at and she'd like to know more and plans on asking questions to understand slowly the witches thought process and again help make bridges and secure protection for a faction that needs it.

regarding merfolk: Sabrina understands merfolk and humans don't have the greatest history but she finds them infinitely fascinating. She too has heard of their wealth of knowledge and while she would jump at the opportunity to know it knows that is theirs and not a line to cross as mer are notoriously private creatures. Their desire to keep such knowledge private is what she admires being herself an incredibly private person. Perhaps that is why whenever she encounters one Sabrina feels honored and special. Heck, she even has dinner with one once every few weeks while both wander the black-market whenever or wherever it pops up. Brina would want to study and learn more about them with their permission though she is unsure how to do that since there is the matter of logistics to consider. Her previous dealings with mer would have her trust them sooner than she would most other species.

regarding demonic beings: The one thing Sabrina is deathly terrified of are demons. Memories are still burned into her mind, haunt her dreams and are the main reason she hardly ever sleeps. They have brought her constant nightmares since she was a child after having watched her parents meet their end at the hands of one. She's met a few before and it has always been the greatest struggle to remain calm around them, to hide all evidence of fear knowing Demons would chomp at the bit for a soul such as hers or to end her life. Yeah demons are a touchy, touchy subject and while she's grown bolder venturing into the outskirts of their territory and would love to free feeders / breeders alike she's know we'd get a full on panic attack. 

regarding angelic beings, Her experience with angels, Nephilim ( enlightened or otherwise ) and fallen angels is extremely limited. She's met them, spoke with a few but not had enough interaction with any of them to form an opinion one way or another. Truthfully, she has doubts about their being a god and as much as she is curious to understand and uncover divine mysteries she's not had the desire to go looking but is none the less thinking about looking further into them for scientific purposes.

REGARDING HERSELF / PERSONAL ENDEVORS:

regarding her experiments / personal projects Sabrina is when she is not in the infirmary/medical wing of the hideout is experimenting somewhere and is never ever without her satchel and its contents which is where that journal of hers is housed. Brina is currently working on several little experiments. Vampire repellant, studying hematology not necessarily for a cure but multiple applications, hybrid plants that are resistant to disease, medicines, salves and cooking recipes. She also sneaks out to observe, map and draw parts of the city studying that too. They are a way of escaping her own thoughts by filling her head with other thoughts not focused on her problems and on things she can figure out and analyze. Good god though Sabrina more often than not is risking her life just to collect samples. Heck, Sabrina has even snuck into places most humans wouldn't want to get caught dead or alive in and into places if she were caught would mean a fate worse than death. After all what human has been into a bite club and not gotten nibbled at just to collect blood since its laying all over or a girl that has tailed the worst persons. If people knew what she did to get her selection of samples they might faint out of sure shock. Bram at the very least would drop a brick. What remains a constant though in any of this, Brina is willing to go to the ends of everything risking her own life in the process if it means protecting others and ushering forth the day where humans don’t have to hide and her children if she ever has half a mind to have any don’t live in fear as centuries of persons have.

regarding her quarters in the hideout and potentially finding her own place: It's just an idea. Its a thought that has been floating around her head about looking for larger quarters or perhaps even leaving the hideout to set up her own home some where. With Bram where he is now, with the level of care she wants to see Cardelle given and if no when they find Rory again and if any of them ever expand the family or if she find love which she highly doubts a home as always been the dream. A place to raise the next generation and to have large family dinners and to be at peace. For now she just wants more space to expand her lab or just find a place to sleep in her current lab and more books

in general ...

her ringtone in general is the harry lime theme from the third man

she’s got a collection of rare books 

is studying midwifery thought a senior medic 

brina cooks for people she likes to make up for not being constantly around

if you’ve passed through the hideout, brina is one of the first to great you and she knows everyone there

cares entirely too much and remembers everyone’s birthdays. makes an effort while giving tough love most of the time to make people feel loved and seen

won’t tell you she doesn’t like to sleep because she has nightmares 90% of the time

is an insomniac ^

works way too much

her journal is HUGE, likely enchanted to keep stuffing more pages and is like the mary poppins bag but in book form. 

even though she barely remembers her parents she’s mastered her mother’s knowing look

has a solution for most things 

smol, stealthy & deadly science woman with medical knowledge ™

keeps whiskey on her not for herself but for medicinal purposes 

doesn’t know how to flirt and hasn’t been in love, doubts she will be or find someone she tolerates in that way.

her love language is theft and arguing.