#brace yourself as need be

[way2gosuperrstarr]

watch my body disintegrate into a pile of ash like a cartoon character who just got struck by a lightning bolt (JOINT PAIN JOINT PAIN JOINT PAIN JOINT PAIN) (just got off work)

[sharplimeade]

Cadence of Hyrule is actually amazing like they reached out to Nintendo and were like:

hey can we use some Zelda stuff for a dlc

and Nintendo was like :

let's make new Zelda game together

that's so incredibly amazing actually I need to do something of this caliber

[sharkneto]

Hey, sorry if this is a bit of a personal question - and feel free to ignore it if it is - but how did you know you wanted to start hrt? I am someone who IDs as transmasc and knows in an ideal world, I would've loved to have been born a guy. But the idea of going on hormones is terrifying because I can't figure out if I really want it... I worry about regretting it, or it making me 'unappealing' physically, or my friends judging me for it. Did you ever struggle with similar worries?

I think every person thinking about and starting HRT goes through this. A rite of passage, if you will, and also not a bad thing to do. HRT is a big step, some of the changes (especially on T) are irreversible. It's good to think through if it's a choice that's right for you or not.

That said, it's also Just A Thing You Can Do. I first started really questioning my gender at the end of 2020 (thank you, Elliot Page, for coming out and making me go "oh shit, you can do that?"). I got a therapist to talk about gender... Mid 2022? And started hormones spring 2023, top surgery a year later.

Before getting the therapist, I spent over a year Just Thinking About It. And a lot of the thoughts were around the changes on T and if I'd like them or not or if I'd regret them. If I'd be ugly, after being conventionally attractive as a woman.

It hits a point, though, where eventually you have to pull the plug one way or another. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my body would change on T. A Lot. With longing. I caught myself putting things off Until I Knew For Sure and because I didn't want to do it while being perceived as a woman. I was sitting, treading water for a hypothetical Later that I could start moving towards at any time. I was scared for the Teenage Round 2 phase, and didn't want to spend months being "ugly and awkward", but then the months passed anyway and I was still in the same spot.

HRT isn't an all-or-nothing thing, you can ease into it on a low dose. My doctor started me on a low dose and we ramped up over months. Some T changes can start pretty quickly (voice dropping, bottom growth - this isn't true for everyone, but was true for me). If these changes excite you, make you feel good - great! Keep going! If they scare you, feel wrong - stop. Assess. Figure out what about it isn't right (a gender therapist for all of this process is a Huge Help). In early days if you stop T, the changes can revert, for the most part. But you can always stop at any time.

The bigger thing I actively worked to wrap my head around before starting HRT is - Who Cares If You're Wrong? What's right for you now might not be right for you later. The idea of detransitioning was scary to me, society has such a weird spotlight on it, the Right uses people who have detransitioned as props against transition. But it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, if I do change my mind, I'll know myself better, and I don't think it's wrong to chase and find comfort in your own body.

A year+ on T, I've mostly made it through the ugly duck phase, I think. I was lucky, I didn't get bad acne or get too oily or anything (after having horrible acne in my first puberty). Most of what I dealt with was the chronic baby face, where I was getting read as male but a teenager - I'm almost 30 and a woman wanted to card me over a free T-shirt at a baseball game because it had beer logos on it. After some middle months of changes and going "oh my god what am I doing" and not feeling confident in how this was all going to turn out, I think of myself as relatively attractive and I think I'm just going to get more vain as my beard comes in. Some of that is physical, sure, but I think a significant amount of that is me feeling more confident in myself and liking the body I'm in more. I was never a selfie or picture person, now I am. I joke I'm like a budgie, always looking at myself if there's a reflective surface nearby. I'm more excited to exercise, I'm interested in lifting weights for the first time, I'm curious what my body on T can do and become. Keep your eyes on the pieces that are going well, the changes exciting you, and let the rest catch up.

My social circle helped a lot. I'm very lucky and blessed to have great friends and family, all of whom are supportive. If you don't have friends who are supportive of you, that are judging you for exploring yourself rather than lifting you up for it, it's a sign to expand the social circle and find ones that are. Family is harder, but that's a thing you have to navigate for yourself and find your own boundaries for.

So, there's no ~one moment~ where you're 100% certain that medical transition is right for you. It's a huge unknown and you're changing the body you've had your entire life. At some point, though, you just have to jump and see how it lands. Part of being alive is making mistakes and doing things you might regret.

That said, the regret rate for trans people is something like 3%. The regret rate for knee surgery is something like 20%. Trust yourself.

[loaflovesdoodling]

HSHSHSHDNSJFJSSBSHDHSJXSB I JUST HAD MY BRACES TIGHTENED YESTERDAY AAUAGSHHSHSS THE PAIN OW OW OWIE OUCH I JUST WANNA BITE SOMETHING AAAAAABAHXBDBDHDHD

[fereldanwench]

happy fem v friday! 🧡

mods: blazer | top | skirt | hair ⚠️ do not reupload or edit my shots without my permission ⚠️️

[spending-life-pretending]

people out there do understand that something can be a love story without the characters kissing, right?

[see-arcane]

this was a very interesting episode to analyse. jokes aside (which have their time an place but not all the time)

Both about how it informs us about Jonathan's personality, what gives him serenity, how he copes, and the foreshadowing about the blending between the modern (him) and the old (girl who used to (?) live here) in that location.

All of this, plus the fact that it hits like a small breather beat between Phase 1 of his stay at Castle Dracula (disquieting) and Phase 2 (horrific in every sense of the word). The serenity and softness of this interlude, for the hints at his character, his environment, and the tiny 'victory' he has in daring to go into one of the rooms Dracula forbade him, come together to make this a narrative sigh of respite...

...only for all that feminine tranquility and set dressing to open the door to epiphanies of exactly how terrifying this stay is about to become.

[tmae3114]

ear defenders my beloved

[frostwork]

Di Feisheng living through the great homosexual terrors Li Xiangyi continuing to die of terminal poison. Fang Doubing’s coming of age story that intertwines with the story of generational shifts anyway this show rules but I’m in pain I’m scared.

ALSO WOMAN PLEASE HE’S GAY THIS ISNT A COOL GIRLBOSS MOMENT YOU ARE SCARY like idk girlfriend look at other men? The man has literally never looked at you positively because while you were frothing with lust he studied the blade and never looked over sorry his head turned for his only martial equal girl he’s gay. I’m surprised a-mians shit ass loser man wasnt spreading rumors about feisheng and xiangyi being gay like woulda been more effective for the scandal or whatever and more believable frfr. Jiao girl saw one hot guy and decided to make that her deathstar ass weakness like what are we doing. Im not even punctuating right anymore girl. GIRLFRIEND STOP GET BACK IN THE CAR.

[snow-and-saltea]

finished yangtze river dolphin episode from extraordinary attorney woo and i think im near tears. i love this episode so much. a huge chunk of my media experience keeps telling me to be on edge, telling me that things are going to get dirty and dramatic and people are going to get antagonised for the sake of a good show, but it never goes there. the witness (? is that what you call them for civil cases?) temporarily snapping in court because everyone from the company is tired about the lawsuit, but after the court hearing ends, the plaintiffs end up hugging her and reassuring her that "it's okay, people have their own opinions, you're not a bad person, this is just how circumstances are and i wouldn't fault you for not picking the ‘moral high road’ for the sake of your own stability and comfort. i would've made the same decision in your shoes. these things shouldn't be blamed on you, but the way our patriarchal society has been set up even before we were born that forces us to choose between these two things. we will never fault you for not making the impossible perfect choice. no matter what happens in the end, we will never fault you for it."

and i'm just like. crying man. it's easy in shows involving law to easily spin a tale to villainise characters the main characters are disagreeing with, but like... this show goes beyond that and reveals something very simple and true, which is that humans are flawed, which means they can make flawed decisions, but that is not always a failure of morality or conscience.

and my god the critique of the mir life company was so good too. even when i thought i'd hate the hr guy, it turns out he's also just another cog in the machine they'd throw out. he's also been fed the same lies and sweet promises the others were, and i couldn't feel that familiar sense of "vindication!!!" i felt when villains got what they deserved. because it reminded me, once again, that he's not a villain; he's just another guy crushed under the weight of his imperfect decisions, becoming the scapegoat for all the targeted animosity when in reality he was discarded just as easily. it felt like his appearance was deliberately put so we'd have someone's face to hate, to throw the eggs on, but in reality the shitty choices are always made from people higher up than him, invisible and faceless but very much present in influencing the quality of thousands of people's livelihoods.

god. what a good show. between young-woo and su-yeon's friendship, i'm also loving the women solidarity in this episode. i love it so much. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON RYU JAE-SOOK AND HER PHILOSOPHY ABOUT BEING AN ATTORNEY AND HER POEM SHE READ ON THE ROOFTOP. I'LL BURST INTO TEARS IF I REMEMBER IT

[halfusek]

<- he has realized that he hasn’t been reblogging anything from the bendy and the ink machine tag for the last 3 months

i’ve been scrolling down for nearly an hour and i still didn’t get to where i left off... SCROLLING. MOVING THE PAGE AT A FAST SPEED. it’s gonna. it’s gonna take a while for me to reblog everything i missed.

oh dear

[goldkirk]

.

[parme-san]

just heard there's about to be a new obey me

[fuwaprince]

I'm in a terribly dark place after coming home. Sad and tired. Angry. I'm sorry for speaking about my life again. I wish I could post without bothering anybody

I went out last night with the same old dude for a cig run. I thanked him for making time for me and gave him some of the frosted brownies that my stomach couldn't handle eating. I wanted to make it as worth it for him as possible since I know people's help is usually conditional. The brownie offering wasn't enough for him. He wanted more.

I had already been crying all day and night and just wanted to leave the house for a break. Just wanted something to change since I was basically rotting away in bed. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Anybody's company would do. I reach out online often for strangers that want to meet for a once time distraction.

When I make it to the gas station, I get two sodas. One for me and one for him. The girl cleaning the drink machines who is also the girl working the register was so sleepy and exhausted that I had to help her check out my items. She looked at me like she was struggling and she could clearly see the struggle that I was going through by looking at my face. I told her, "enjoy the rest of your shift" and she told me that she really appreciates that and to have a safe night. Seeing her was the best part of my whole damn day honestly. She kept apologizing for being tired and I just kept saying "no, thank you for everything you do", "thank you for working", "thank you for being here". It meant something to hear her wish me safety.

I go back to the guy's car and we drive to some empty lot so that I can smoke a cig. He kept relentlessly trying to force me to touch him, as per usual, by guiding me with his hands and pulling me into him while I'm standing. It was so annoying and forceful. I kept saying no angrily, stepping away and dancing around him with my lit cig to avoid being touched... After a long fucking time and many failed attempts at trying to force me, it was enough to get him to stop. Glad that I didn't play the role he had in mind but I don't enjoy the consequences either.

I thought about my ex who is the only other person irl who sometimes gives me rides. One time he dropped me off and told me things like "I COULD be like them" "I COULD take advantage of you" as if he's doing me a favor by not. Thanks ex of mine, that's so sweet of you to not violate me!

Guy who just got rejected again cried a bunch next to me and mumbled shit under his breath for the rest of the night. Said maybe he should leave then which reminds me of the time he suggested that he should care less because I didn't let him touch me during a car ride that I asked for in the middle of the night.

He gives backhanded ass comments all night long about how maybe I'll finally do something for myself and work harder to live the life most privileged people such as himself just get born into. He tried randomly bringing up how he saw screenshots of texts I sent to my mom that weren't very kind. I'm not sure why. He just wanted to spite me for not complying.

PS I would say that shit to her face in front of anybody and everybody. I would post it on my blog. I don't give a fuck. I don't take any of it back. She failed as a mother of two. She abused a dog to death. She failed to protect me, denied me a relationship with my birth dad and his whole family, lied that her most recent husband was my father and let him abuse me all my fucking life. She didn't even tell me my race out of shame and groomed me to hate "Spanish" people (she's too afraid to say Mexican, idk why). I would've never found out if I wasn't so damn persistent to find out why her stories don't add up. She sabotaged the benefits I was depending on in hopes I starved to death. Literally. Fuck her. When I called her crying that my ex had broken my bones and left me with a bloody face, she told me I was a liar and made sure to tell everyone else I was a liar too (despite my ex OPENLY ADMITTING TO BEING VIOLENT TOWARDS ME. I had to beg him to tell them it was true. She and her friend's whole family still call me a liar). She denied me being raped as a child. She acted like me calling CPS would ruin the family the day I threatened to without really knowing what CPS was. Her husband was going to choke me if I didn't. My mom has done FUCKED UP SHIT. FORCED ME TO LIE AND PRETENDED HER DENTURES BROKE TO GET MONEY FROM HER FAMILY MEMBERS SO SHE COULD FUEL A GAMBLING ADDICTION INSTEAD OF USING IT TO PAY FOR US TO HAVE MORE THAN JUST EGGS AND RICERONI DURING THE 2008 RECESSION. She forged my signature to move me schools when I gained the courage to tell a counselor at my highschool about the abuse when I was a freshman. She told me I was a liar and that I never got raped after the doctor whispered to her during an appointment that my fucking child hymen was broken and asked if she knew why. She told me to lie for her and to protect her husband so that he would still pay for the house he would eventually kick me out of. She said they'd take my brother and I and split us apart into different foster homes if I did and I would never see him again. She threw belts at me on my birthday. She took a whole rack of belts that her husband had in the closet and angrily threw them on top of my crying body on my 18th birthday. She said "you want to hang yourself? Here! Hope this helps!". She left me waiting after school until 9pm regularly. Telling me not to come home even though it was only across the bridge and down a few easily walkable streets. She told me I would get raped if I did. She'd ignore my calls from the payphone because I didn't have a phone growing up. She told me it was because I didn't deserve one and I would use it to talk crap about her. She said that's the same reason she didn't give me braces "why would I fix your ugly teeth? You use them to talk shit about me". She threw knives at me and my little bro when I was 7. She would tear down the whole house, pack it into a box and LEAVE without telling anybody where for so long. My brother and I would cry. And if we went to our grandma's house or knocked on the neighbor's door, we would get punished for "bringing our problems to other people". My mom has done horribly fucked up shit. She would attack me and rip apart all my belongings. All the art I was proudly posting on my empty walls. She'd destroy whatever I put up in her routine attacks. Then she would leave me crying to clean her mess after unplugging the home phones and leaving. I was too young to figure out why they wouldn't work and I remember being so desperate to call my elementary school friends for help. When I told them what happened, she would tell them that I was a liar seeking attention and not to listen to me. When I told people I was suicidal, she told them I was spoiled and fine because I had both my parents (I didn't). I didn't have lights in my bedroom until I was in my senior year of highschool. When I lost my baby, she said God punished me because I'm bad.

He asked if I would share a place with him again and I told him it's polite to offer but no because I don't want to commit suicide from being mistreated in another shitty home situation where if I don't abide by people's every command, they kick me out on my ass... Which is exactly what would happen. I'm not trying to be owned, trapped as a sex slave and threatened to be thrown back onto the streets if I don't play the role he casts onto me. I don't consent to it. Not gonna happen. People who don't understand the situation will tell me that I'm choosing to be miserable by not accepting his offer. People like his mother will say I'm a "bad woman" for not just marrying her entitled brat. That's who she is. She lies to people saying I threaten her and that I'm crazy nowadays. She tried showing off some screenshots of texts that I sent her. I hope anybody who judges me based on a few angry texts know that they're part of the problem.

I'm back home now. I don't want to exist. I don't want to be. I really wish somebody would smoke me out so that I can pass out in bed and hopefully not wake up crying tomorrow morning. I'm coping how I can. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to be here. I'm so desperate to escape my situation but all my opportunities to leave are actually just worse options. I wish I had SOMEBODY here who actually wanted good for me. I feel like I don't have anyone.

Thank you again for following my shitty life story. I'm sorry for being so sad. Things aren't fine. I just want life to be okay

[branmer]

my mum is getting increasingly openly homophobic :/

[pisswizard420]

Do stretches when crocheting for long periods take breaks i know you want to finish that project but it will take even longer if you have to take breaks and wear wrist braces because of pain take breaks and stretch