#but am also reading one right now where NONE of the emotions are hitting

[trans-cuchulainn]

one thing i have been finding with books recently (especially fantasy, and especially YA fantasy, i think) is that so many of them treat life so cheaply. characters die and others immediately move on, skim past it, even if they were responsible or even if they cared about the person. the depth of grief isn't there, and because death is not given the weight it feels like it should have, all of the other emotions also seem... hollowed out, shallow somehow. like, if life is not precious and if these characters are not grievable, why does any of it matter?

and i guess. not every book has to be About Grief™. but books that treat death casually run the risk of making me not care about anything, because the lives of the characters are not valued, are not seen as worth grieving, and so therefore they are not worth my emotional investment, either. it's like they've told me i don't need to care if these people live or die, because none of the other characters will

on the flip side, it means when books DO dig deep into grief and death and the absolute profound awfulness of irreversible endings, i get a lot MORE emotionally affected than i would otherwise because i've got so used to skimming over the surface of characters and never being dragged down into caring, so it catches me out a bit more

[thebibliosphere]

Am I reading this right? You have been beating yourself up for not 'working more' and not 'doing enough', but, the mere act of being AT YOUR DESK is extremely painful? Sitting at your work station, just SITTING THERE, caused you PHYSICAL PAIN, but you were still under the impression that you should be able to just 'power through that' to do, what? How much more are you expecting out of yourself? A book a month? Its not like you've STOPPED WORKING. What time table were you holding yourself to???

Here's the thing, my body has always hurt.

Even when I was a child, I was in a lot of pain that was dismissed as either "growing pains" despite the fact that I never got past 5 feet tall at the age of 11 or "attention seeking." So, I learned to stop talking about it. (The trick is now getting me to shut up about it.)

And for most of my teens and twenties, the pain didn't really stop me too much. It was bad, and it sucked, but for the longest time, everyone kept telling me that "everyone" felt that way, so I just sort of learned to power through and hide it under the assumption that "everyone" feels this way.

Well, turns out that was a mistake because my body hit its breaking point, and what might have been a mild genetic disability that could have flown under the radar is now a severe one that greatly impacts my daily life to the point where sitting at my desk causes me pain (because everything causes me pain).

Couple that with some new-age religious trauma about willpower, positive thinking, and whatever the fuck else my parents thought I was capable of as an 'indigo starseed' and the fact that I was trained to mask my ADHD by being a hyper-competent workaholic-- I really don't know what a healthy baseline is.

(I mean, heck, I wrote the first book of Hunger Pangs while literally dying. I assumed it would be edited and published posthumously. Jokes on me because now I've got to edit the rest of the fucking thing.)

I didn't, obviously, and ever since then, I've been trying to learn what a healthy baseline looks like for me post-recovery, and I think I'm doing quite well at it and enforcing my boundaries when people ask too much of me.

But none of that makes up for the shrieking frustration I feel that I can't do the things I want.

I want to be creative and do fun things, but I can't because my body won't let me. I want to write more, but I can't because I'm swimming in brain fog most of the time. Yes it hurts to sit at my desk, but I also need to earn money so the financial burden of everything isn't solely on my partner. (Something which he argues I shouldn't even be worrying about right now, but it's hard not to worry as I watch him work himself to the bone taking care of everything because I can't.)

I promise you, I'm not hustling my ass into an early grave. There is, in fact, zero hustle about how I work. I am very, very slow these days compared to how I used to be. There's no timetable for one thing. I get done what I get done, and that's it.

I'm just perpetually frustrated that my hyperactive brain is trapped in a malfunctioning meat suit. And my blog is where I talk about it and work through my emotions because, well, that's what I've always done long before Tumblr was even a thing. It just so happens now I've got an audience.

[stuffnonsenseandotherthings]

In my spare time, when I'm not watching dramas I'm either reading books or watching people talking about books on YouTube. One tradition I've always really enjoyed is their "Mid-Year Freak Out" tag, especially because I like the idea of getting a chance to reflect on the year so far as well as look to the year ahead.

This year I thought I'd combine my two passions and use (and in some cases alter) the prompts for my own use, i.e. so that I can talk about dramas rather than books.

The only rule: answer the questions (and go wild I guess).

And we start the list with the biggest risk! No The Trainee is nowhere near finished and, no I have no idea how it's going to finish (it's GMMTV it could drop the ball through the floor and into the earth's core for all I know) but, if it manages to keep going the way it's going, I'm going to absolutely love it. I've mentioned before that The Trainee reminds me a lot of Misaeng, what I haven't said is that Misaeng is my (tied) favourite drama of all time and if The Trainee can get anywhere close to making me feel like I did the first time I watched Misaeng (which it is so far) then it's on to a winning formula.

So far it's got everything I look for in a drama: a solid cast with excellent chemistry, a plot that focuses on the little battles of everyday life, and an excellent mix of fast friendship and slow burn romance with plenty of character development along the way. It also doesn't hurt that it's got the balance between slapstick-funny and emotional tension pretty much bang on either.

I can't get this drama or it's characters out of my head and I am deeply, deeply, invested in where things are going next so, as a nod to the hold it has on me and my hope that I've found a new all-time fave, The Trainee is my favourite drama so far so GMMTV DO NOT LET ME DOWN.

Thai BL opening themes can be very hit or miss for me (I won't lie, I have skipped many an opening sequence because I can't stand the song) but Wandee Goodday's "Fan With Benefit" caught my ear the first time I heard it and refused to leave me alone after that. I think I listened to it on repeat for at least 2 weeks and then at least once a day after that.

It's fun, it's flirty, it's got a chorus I like to dance to and it has now found itself on my "Songs to Cook Dinner To" playlist (I don't know if that says more about the song or how I cook dinner).

Now if only the drama lived up to its theme song...

Last Twilight would have been on this list had I not dropped it in December and, as a result, rendered it ineligible for a 2024 drama. I'm still absolutely fuming about how badly it let its audience down and how terribly it handled an extremely nuisanced topic to the point its final messaging was almost harmful.

I'm not going to get into this in too much detail because my frustrations have been voiced much more eloquently by people @lurkingshan and @twig-tea. I will say, however, that I loved the first 6(?) episodes of Wandee Goodday and I'm really sad about how much I didn't enjoy the rest of the drama.

There were a lot of things to like (and a lot of potential) right from the start: two couples with great chemistry, an ace character with actual depth and dimension, really sweet relationships (both familial and friendships), and the foundations for some interesting explorations of various interpersonal dynamics. Unfortunately none of these things really got followed through on and instead Wandee decided to go dark (with topics like mental health, sexual assault, loss and grief, parental neglect and abandonment to name a few) and do it badly. I don't mind if a show wants to explore difficult topics, in fact I really appreciate it, but what I won't tolerate is a drama introducing those topics as central plot points and then skimming over them in the most superficial way possible.

If you can't be bothered to put in the effort to properly research/explore difficult topics, do not include them in your drama.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SHOW SINCE IT FIRST GOT ANNOUNCED. Which unfortunate because I was so excited for it I got stressed about it living up to my expectations (or not) and then couldn't watch it when it came out. It's annoying, it happens, I know how to fix it.

Anyway, I've given it some space, I've dealt with the other things that were making me stressed and I am now ready to devour it give it a go.

I have long been a fan of Ahn Pan Seok's works and I really appreciate his directorial style, the themes he chooses to tackle, and the way in which he explores his topics of choice. I will fully acknowledge his work is not for everyone; he favours slow (extremely slow) stories with characters and plots who are realistic to a frustrating (and sometimes infuriating) degree. You also need to have a pretty in depth understanding of Korean society and its problems, taboos and concerns to fully understand the underlying messages of his dramas and the structures/beliefs/views he's critiquing. That being said, for me that is the perfect recipe for a drama that's going to claw itself into my brain and stay there.

Secret Love Affair, One Spring Night, and Something in the Rain all had a lasting impact on me and, thanks to @lurkingshan's posts, I'm pretty sure Midnight Romance in Hagwon will join them.

It may come as a surprise after the last entry but I actually try quite hard to not get hyped about upcoming releases, mainly to avoid creating any expectations which can then be disappointed. I like to go in with as open a mind as possible.

As a result, there are a few upcoming releases I'm keeping an eye on but none I'd say I'm properly "anticipating" (á la Midnight Romance in Hagwon). The closest I can get is Monster Next Door which I am genuinely excited for and which I plan to watch from day 1.

I'm not completely sure why I'm looking forward to it so much, I think it's because I do love a good opposites attract, foes-to-hoes dynamic and Monster Next Door seems like it's going to offer that to me in spades alongside a serving of comedy and a sprinkling of heat. Bring the introvert-extrovert pairing and let me watch them be stupidly whipped for each other, it's all I need for now.

Technically all of the dramas on my Want to Watch list because I want to clear it but I'm aware that that's a bit of a reach.... If anyone can spot any dramas on here that you think I should prioritize (or dramas you think I should scrap), recommendations would be appreciated.

I also want to watch more Japanese BLs. The few I've got through, I've enjoyed and, for a lot of them, I've already read and loved the source manga so I know I'll enjoy the plot. Unfortunately I really struggle with the short episodes (30 minutes is not long enough for me to get invested) and that I have to commit to binging them and can't watch them while they're airing, which is a whole other issue. I'm thinking of focussing on Japanese GL for now as a hook (I'm not enjoying the current Thai GL line up and I'm running out of Korean GL I can find online) so I guess the dramas I "need" to watch are She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat and Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko.

* Biggest surprise

* Newest favourite actor/director/writer/producer

* Most beautiful drama

* Newest fictional crush

* Newest favourite character

* A drama that made you cry

* A drama that made you happy

And there you have it! Lightly tagging @lurkingshan @twig-tea and @italianpersonwithashippersheart but no pressure! Anyone else who wants to do this, feel free! Just tag me so I can gather more recs to make my To Watch list even longer.

[powerbottomblake]

ok I finished my rewatch here is the S1 recap brought to you by my brain juices having been put in a blender after that. I will tell you guys, rewatching S1 after watching S2 is so incredibly rewarding this show is just. really good!! it is!! now here are my various disorganized thoughts:

shannon's death scene is so much more hard-hitting on a rewatch. the way when she's being carried she asks for mary then reaches for her is so incredibly intimate she's surrounded by her sisters but she wants mary at her side and the ensuing goodbyes are very much heart-wrenching and there is NO way to read shannon/mary as not romantic especially since we later get hints from everyone that it was pretty much an open secret? everyone knew their relationship was special. props to the cast for delivering such an emotional scene that comes this early in the show (the tear falling from beatrice's face to land on shannon's as she kisses her forehead and says "I'll miss you, sister" is just. Cinéma. Filmé)

the way it is stressed time and again that resurrection is something the halo provides specifically for ava. there's also the way there's a direct parallel with areala bc they're both the only warrior nuns to have received the halo AGAINST their wills and I think you could say resurrection happened for areala too which is very interesting and very neat (the way these two bookend the cycle of warrior nun being fed into the church killing machine)

the way it is basically textual that vincent was the drunk driver that caused ava's accident and that is INSANE. they're both at the center of how the trajectory of their lives was fundamentally rewritten and they're both the cause that sets them on their path. vincent becomes her father figure and develops genuine affection for her and he fills a place in her life that has always been empty before and this really sets the scene for their S2 interactions.

on the topic of vincent there are so many scenes where he stands around in apparent deep meditation and comes afterwards with answers or a set course and those are literally the moments he gets his visions/messages from adriel and it happens right under our noses and we're none the wiser!! you only catch it on rewatch

ava's bisexuality is hinted at so early like literally the first person to hit on her and offer her a drink is a girl!! and then when she escapes the cat's cradle she says "I'm gonna make love to" pointed look at a girl "someone" like it was there right at the beginning

JC is the best person to have a first lay with! I am a person who subscribes to ship having to be each other's true loves not necessarily their first loves and JC was safe and harmless enough for ava to explore things that were denied her in her past life (sexuality, desire, infatuation) bc in the grand scheme of things JC does not matter. and ava subconsciously KNOWS this. ava is never 100% vulnerable or open with JC and not just bc of, you know, the supernatural things happening around and to her constantly but even the most basic information abt herself she withholds for a LONG time. JC is very interesting thematically bc he's what ava thinks freedom looks like and what she thinks she wants but absolutely not what she needs (which is basically what she explores all throughout S1). He's an uprooted vagrant person not beholden to anyone but his own whims but that means he never develops any significant bonds there's no purpose and no real belonging with him. Hell, he leaves his partners of 18 months for ava who he met a week ago. His entire character is based on leaving whereas ava wants, deep down, someone who will stay for and with her. all throughout.

the vincent monologue at the end of episode 1 hits different on a rewatch "prophets are hard to come by in these times" and he went and fashioned himself into one!! this whole things has been him trying to find a type of salvation that the church does not offer him!! especially since he's haunted by who he was in the past and when he joined the OCS he thought maybe this darkness is a demon that can be exorcised and confronted that it was in fact all him he wanted a miracle powerful enough to banish that very darkness. adriel probably sensed that vulnerability in him and came to him in visions using that to get him onboard

mary's whole s1 arc is basically that tough action guy whose wife gets killed and he goes on a rampage to find out who did it and why. she's a female john wick. which. again. I am puzzled by the fact that shannon and mary was apparently not written to read as romantic?? my dearest people you WROTE it that way. you tapped into the romance tropes.

lilith is somehow both an eldest daughter (derogatory) and a middle child (derogatory). and also a bitch and a delight and I love her so much

JC. repeatedly. and I say. REPEATEDLY. offers ava moments of vulnerability where he opens up abt himself and his life and ava offers NOTHING in return. ava is extremely guarded even as she wants him and only offers up her story when she has to and even then it's mostly to distract him from asking questions abt who the people after her are. and that's juxtaposed with how ava, after that very painful moment with mother superion and being offered comfort from beatrice, legitimately opens up to beatrice almost instantly there. Beatrice hugs her once and ava is like I spent 12 years not feeling anything below my chest I didn't kill myself I have a very complicated relationship with nuns and thus catholicism bc I wasn't treated well like the contrast there is mindblowing.

bringing me to my next point: ava instinctively: 1/knows beatrice is safe, 2/knows she is safe with beatrice, 3/ wants to trust beatrice SO BAD. and she wants intensely, for beatrice to believe her and (then in the back end of season once they're paired up) to believe in her

ava fleeing the OCS is done so well bc in 24hrs she gets put through mother superion's psychological warfare, then she hears abt the previous halobearer who I'm sure she was picturing as someone of a certain age then sees the picture and realizes shannon died young, then she goes visiting the murals of the cat's cradle and all the warrior nuns are pictured young and fighting demons, constantly, AND THEN she reads that part abt how areala died her second death YOUNG too. she gets hit with the reality of this fate, the danger of it, the certainty of a death that'll come sooner rather than later as she's appointed humanity's champion while having to fight horrors beyond a normal human's comprehension constantly. ofc my girl bailed. it's all done so very well everything that has to do with ava's arc is insanely well written

jillian calls beatrice "a petite member of the clergy" when she sees the footage of beatrice taking out an entire security team and that is SO FUCKING FUNNY. imagine calling beatrice petite to her face

on that topic beatrice's hallway fight gets projected to a room full of journalists and I am obsessed with that. did she go viral on the internet were there memes abt ninja nuns going feral

all throughout when something happens that pushes against the Norms and Rules beatrice will question it and it can come off as cold but really it's bc Beatrice strives on structure!! if she has to step outside the bounds of it, it better be righteous and worth it. like when she asks if vincent is intent on not giving the halo to lilith and keeping it within ava and he says yes her first reflex is but lilith is next in line. but the politics. this isn't to say beatrice was FOR killing ava like the moment she hears it could kill her she's NOT down to take it away from her but everytime the Order of Things is challenged Beatrice has to be walked through as to why. and if it's WORTH it. which oh boy the way this ties to her S2 arc makes me slightly insane bc ava comes barreling through that structure and beatrice says yes. she is worth upending my whole world for anyway-

Which is NOT to say that beatrice will take well to any kind of authority you actually have to earn her respect otherwise beatrice has. absolutely. zero chill. the tone she takes with duretti who's the fucking CARDINAL. from VATICAN. a pope HOPEFUL?? she is polite yes but curt and cold and very much flirting with impertinence like duretti tries to seduce her into his clique the way he did lilith and it fails astronomically and she basically tells him to go fuck himself?? to A CARDINAL?? DIRECT OVERSIGHT OVER THE OCS?? FROM THE VATICAN??? "you may always count on me to remain faithful. to God." and did you call him a power hungry whore too did you give him the finger beatrice???????

anyway I miss this show so fucking much

[harrowclare]

PLEASE HELP US HELP OUR FRIEND'S FAMILY

URGENT IMMEDIATE NEEDS:

Siraj and her family need $500 to secure a truck in order to move herself, her disable husband, and her 5 children to a safer location.

In addition to this, she needs new shoes, and one of her sons needs access to emergency medical supplies, including colostomy bags. Long-term, they need food, water, and enough money to relocate permanently.

MORE INFO & BACKGROUND:

Siraj and her family are currently in Nuseirat, weighing their options. it is difficult to relocate with so many kids and an adult with a disability, and they have already had to do it twelve times. we are hoping to ease their troubles by helping them get access to a truck, as mentioned above.

Siraj keeps us posted, and despite everything her spirits are high. she was excited to let us know that she used some of the funds to buy an avocado as a treat. please, if you have anything to spare, help us help our friend's family. a reblog also goes a long way.

for updates on how the fund is going, and news from Siraj and her family, Beth, who runs the gfm, posts on instagram, and you can follow her here.

from the gfm page:

Siraj is a 32 year old mother of 5 children. Siraj met her husband Mohammad and married him in 2010 while she was attending Al Asqa university in Gaza, where she graduated in 2012 with a degree in public and media relations. She and Mohammed opened their own business, a clothing store, and worked very hard to provide for their family. They had a successful business and a beautiful home they shared with Mohammed’s family as well. When they first started their business it was an online store, but they were in the process of opening a physical storefront last fall. When their home was destroyed in October they also lost all of the merchandise they had purchased to open their store. Their home was in Nuseirat in Gaza City. The family was at home on the 17th of October when their home was hit. The entire family was trapped and injured in this event. Mohammed suffered an injury to his foot and has been disabled ever since. The parents also had to go through the horror of digging their babies out from the rubble and trying to get their injuries treated. After they lost their home in October, they have been displaced and ordered to move 12 different times. You can imagine the physical and emotional toll this must take on someone. This family currently lives in a tent somewhere southeast of the city. They do not have the means to move again should they be ordered to at this time. The long term goal for this family is medical evacuation for the child Eyad, as he is suffering the most. Realistically medical care for the entire family is needed.

LEARN ABOUT THE CHILDREN UNDER THE READ MORE CUT!

Their oldest children are twins Maya & Yazan who are 11. Siraj has told me that Yazan had dreams of being in the Olympics and mom said he competed in swimming and martial arts and horseback riding. Maya is a gifted artist who misses her school and classmates. Their second son is Eyad who is 7. Eyad is special because he requires medical supplies that aren’t available to the family right now; a colostomy bag, which the family is forced to improvise for him, as none are available. Having a need like this go unmet will cause more issues for Eyad in coming days and his parents are distraught that they can’t care for him. He could suffer from skin breakdown from having his waste touch his skin without these supplies. Part of the funds we raise will be saved for future medical supplies. Siraj will keep some funds on hand to purchase things for Eyad when they are available. Next is Ibrahem, who is only 3 years old. Ibrahem is a toddler who should be at the playground or the chalet with his cousins and instead has to make due at camp. Baby Ahmed just turned one in July. He has spent more of his life dodging bullets than he has got to spend feeling safe with his family. The last reported costs at Rafah crossing to Egypt were $5000 -$7000 per person. All funds are going directly to this family. Funds that are withdrawn now will be used to purchase needed items like food or repairs for their tent. Any withdrawn funds that are left will be saved to purchase future supplies when they are available and for future living expenses. It is our intention that the children will continue to benefit from this fund should something happen to their parents.

photos are from "before".

this campaign is run by one of Siraj's family members who lives in the US, with the help of one of my best friends, who is assisting with writing in English and posting to social media. my friend and Siraj have been getting to know one another over the past couple of months, and we have all come to view her as a friend. for her birthday, we all sent her a video wishing her a happy birthday, and she was delighted to see the faces of people on the otheer side of the world who care about her. this is very personal to me. please please help if you can.

[rachelsshowerthoughts]

Far too sleepy to conjugate this Aware AU thought but given the kids evolving understanding of their own status as victims and the specifics of their abuse and their parents actions.

I do wonder if Chloe picked up on some of the scummier stuff indicated by Andre's actions?

Like, on one hand's she'd definitely know 'something' is off once she's keyed into the fact he does not care and just throws money at her until he wants her around for a photo op or to play pretend.

But I don't think she'd necessarily key into the fact his enabling of her lifelong Audrey imitation comes from more than negligence. Which I maintain is does cos we know he made some efforts to...

'Parent'

At least in the sense he gave her advice on school elections and would sometimes be cajoled into helping with stuff like that. None of it requiring ay emotional labor on his part of course, nor actually effective parenting, but it was something of an attempt.

Thus, given Chloe's impersonating has last for years but also subtly shifted in how its directed at Andre, that feels deliberate.

One can argue it was unconscious, but still required decisions.

Anyway point being, I am unsure she'd realize that side of things right off the bat, but instead have it as some kind of rude awakening. Like she thought she had all this on lokc and understood.

Her mom is hateful & cruel and never loved her, enjoys hurting her as much as anyone else & does not want her to succeed or outshine her.

Her father is selfish and only superficially cares, he only wants a daughter when it suits him & otherwise just wants her out of the way.

Then this realization hits, maybe just life stuff, maybe the lead in to that scene I shared with Adrien & Nino & her storming in, maybe due to an alt Maladiktator or someone else notes it?

Madame Bustier taking Andre out 'for' Chloe still rings to me as her identifying the main issue at the very least, though how much she knows or thinks is up in the air.

...

Gosh this is grim, even the most charitable read to Andre is fucked up.

Cano you believe I got her cos I realize Maladikator probably wouldn't happen as Chloe would not want Audrey to stick around?

Added note:

Cousin not required but just imagining one of the club members, maybe for fun points Lila, overhearing Bob Ross's "My talent-less son!" and just being like, "We are no longer only recruiting fourteen year old's, welcome our newest member, XY!" - "How did they get here so fast?" - "Trade secret." (Miraculous)

(May your sleep be peaceful! This will still be here if you want to respond later!)

I think Chloé would take a while to get the . . . I don’t know, depth? Of her father's fucked up-ness? Cause, like.

Ok, the way I see it - Emilie disappears. Adrien starts falling apart, and Chloé is the only one really there to pick up the pieces. In addition, let's say that summer was some kind of show or event, that meant Chloé was also dealing with both her mom and dad A LOT. So, as Adrien is having realizations about HIS dad (with grief as the catalyst), it triggers Chloé's realizations about HER parents. I imagine there's some shouting matches (maybe they want Chloé to be at some event, Chloé is refusing cause Adrien needs her, there is screaming, Chloé doesn’t go, backlash, etc,etc,) but with Audrey, the realization happens all at once.

Chloé always KNEW, on some level, that Audrey doesn’t care about her. It might have taken different forms, but this is where Chloé would realize it’s more than that. Audrey doesn’t just not like her, she straight up doesn’t LOVE her. The only care Audrey has for Chloé is as a possession. And this is a horrible thing to realize, it fucks Chloé up, but it also isn’t exactly NEW information. Chloé is AWARE her mother doesn’t like her, she just thought that, before, it was something she could change, could do something about. Now she knows that she can't do anything, so fuck it! Screw you, Mom, I'll do what I want! (I imagine Chloé hits that "manic energy, let's-fuck-shit-up!" phase of a breakdown, and then just keeps periodically ending up there. Makes a bonfire of all the shoes her mom has ever sent her - or sends them all to charity, whichever would piss her off more.)

But André would be harder, because even if he DOESN'T actually love Chloé, he's much better at acting like he does. And Chloé would have some genuine affection for him, so I think it would take longer. Maybe go through stages?

Like, at first, Chloé sees her dad as a coward. He bends to everything Audrey (or Chloé) wants, never really stands up for himself. Chloé is MAD at him, for not seeing how damaging Audrey is, for always bending to her will. She wants to spend as little time with him as possible, because he keeps trying to play "peacemaker", and Chloé is furious. Can’t he see what she's doing!? What she's ALWAYS been doing!? Why take HER side, isn’t Chloé his daughter!? Does that matter at all!? How dare he, how DARE he-!!

But, again, André is the parent who actually shows affection, and who Chloé spends most of her time with (vs Audrey, who only shows up when it suits her. I imagine André at least made token efforts to be there for Chloé, regardless of motivations). That confuses Chloé, cause she's thinking of "abuse" (not that she's calling it that) within a specific context. Audrey, Gabriel, Tomoe . . . there are differences, but on some level, all are strict control freaks, who need everything to go their way. As long as André is getting the attention he wants, he's much more flexible, so he muddled things a bit. So Chloé thinks about it, and she's spending time with Adrien, Kagami, Sabrina, and . . . ok, hear me out.

Marinette has, at some point, been brought in as Kagami's friend, and at least now is AWARE of the home lives of everyone else. And she's horrified, but she also introduces the idea that maybe André or Emilie were victims too. Cause the thing about abusive relationships, is that it’s someone conditioning you to react a certain way, to not realize something is fucked up. Most people IN abusive relationships don’t realize that the relationship they are in is abusive, cause most don’t start out that way. It’s slow, incremental changes you don’t realize are happening, until someone is looking in from the outside like "WHAT THE FUCK, how did you not NOTICE!?", but it was so slow, you didn’t notice at all, until the knife was at your throat. And Marinette is enough of an optimist (plus full of misplaced guilt) that she desperately doesn’t want BOTH parents of her friends to be abusive jackasses, so what if André and Emilie are trapped in these relationships? What if they need rescuing?

And Chloé ALSO wants that, so now she starts seeing her dad through that lens too. And I can see it leading WEIRD PLACES, cause now Chloé feels she has to PROTECT HER DAD. So, she's spending more time with him, she's trying to subtly hint about divorce, she's getting into screaming matches with Audrey, defending her dad, cause at least he was THERE when she was growing up!! Audrey, of course, sees it as a challenge, so starts getting André to take her on more dates, spend more time together, which Chloé does her level best to sabotage - can't have her dad stuck with HER! André, meanwhile, is soaking all this up. His wife and daughter, fighting for his attention? It’s really feeding his ego, to feel this important, so he starts INCITING these incidents himself. What does he care how it’s hurting anyone else, it’s proving how IMPORTANT he is, isn’t it?

I can see Chloé eventually getting Akumatized, to go after Audrey (defend, have to defend), and André trying once again to mitigate the situation - it’s all okay, dear! It just means we love each other! So, Akuma!Chloé tries to use her powers to show him Audrey DOESN'T love them, and. Well. That . . . does happen. Both André and Chloé can see, feel, that Audrey doesn't love them. But. Well, André KNOWS that. He gets that Audrey doesn’t love him, but still deems him important to her, and that’s what feeds his ego. While Audrey knows that André loves her as a status symbol, as something to boost himself, which she deems acceptable, as it allows her to control him.

But the connection works both ways, so. Chloé can feel how much Audrey doesn't love her, but aLeo how André DOESN'T actually love her. Can feel how shallow it is, how thin, how it's tied into his own ego and pride. She can feel from both of them, how there isn’t any love, any care, for Chloé herself as more than anything but a possession. And even if, on some level, she knew that, it’s different to having it CONFIRMED.

And with that connection still in place, both Audrey and André can feel Chloé's heart shatter as her love for them dies and turns to despair . . . and neither of them understand it at all.

The "fight" afterward can barely be called that. It’s Chat Noir holding Akuma!Chloé as she breaks down, while Ladybug gently breaks the item, casts the cure. When the Akuma is purified, André, of course, tries to patch things up - are you ok, dear? See, your old man is fine! - but this time, Chloé doesn’t even let him get close. She turns, walks away. Cause, those Akumatized might not remember much, but big moments? Emotional moments? They remember those, so Chloé remembers. She remembers the sensation, the feeling, of knowing her parents don’t love her. That to them, it’s all a game they want to win. Well, fine then. If they want to play that game, go ahead. Have fun. Enjoy yourselves. It clearly matters more than she does, so that’s it. She's out. Chloé isn’t playing this game anymore.

She's done.

(Chloé calls XY, asks her cousin if she can chill on his couch for a few days. XY, just freed from his dad, says sure, is everything cool?

Not even 24 hours later, XY is calling up the lawyer who helped him get out from under his dad. Does he know anyone with a background in custody battles?)

@tumblingxelian

[onebedtorulethemall]

Hi! I love your fics, TWR is one of my favorite coworker AUs to this day and BO deserves all the flowers it gets. I find it hard to leave comments sometimes as I’m reading since I usually need to chew on what I’ve read for a while to really decide what I want to say (and I never want to sound pushy for updates or whatever!), but I went back to leave a comment on one of your oneshots and found it deleted so that’s why I’m here. It was called A Life We Never Lived or something along those lines? The conversation you wrote between D/Hr involving the ring theory for grief literally lives in my brain. When Draco says something like “only you could create a system for grief and mismanage it”, maybe it was just a passing joke/throwaway line, but it felt so genuinely in character for both of them and really got to the core of why I love the Dramione dynamic in fics so much. Specifically post war/post canon with Hermione tackling her emotions with pure logic and not putting herself first, and Draco being kind of an ass but offering his own brand of support by recognizing shes struggling too and their sort of awkward kinship/healing together. It also just made me laugh out loud, your humor always comes through so well and that’s such a hard skill to develop! I know it wasn’t going to be overall lighthearted/HEA, but I loved what you had posted so far and just wanted to make sure you knew. Was there a reason you decided not to finish it/to delete it?

Ahaha! I really thought I'd gotten away with hiding that unfinished one-shot. It had all of 230 hits. Never in my wildest dreams did I think anyone would notice, let alone quote a line to me. Thank you, I'm incredibly flattered!

That poor fic was doomed from the start by an uncommitted author. The concept was to write a snapshot of their meeting on the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts every year for a decade, with letters exchanged between meetings, a secret relationship, heartache, and an eventual painful breakup. Sort of a "right person, wrong time" quiet tragedy. I posted the first 3k and struggled through another unposted 5k before I called it quits.

Actually, I did a little mental postmortem on it when I took it down, because it confirmed some things about myself as a writer that I thought were good lessons. So, here you go:

1. I need a plot before I start. I mean, I knew this, but now I *extra* know it. I had only a rough idea of where I was going, and that is not enough for me. A pantser I am not.

2. I have to finish a fic before I post it. My fics are usually 95-100% complete before I post, and this was the exception that proves the rule. I'm not sure why the post-as-you-go method doesn't work for me, but writing became instantly 100x harder once I'd posted part of it (which I only did because of the fest deadline).

3. I'm not really in control of the plot. To me, creating an outline is the process of discovering the story, as though I'm documenting something that has already happened. I always feel as though there's really only one way a story can go, once I know the characters. Well, I figured out pretty quickly once I belatedly started plotting that this one does NOT have an unhappy ending, but rather an angsty yet ultimately happy one. And this was for the UHEA fest, so...

4. Just because I want to read it doesn't mean I want to write it. I could have finished it with a HEA and removed it from the fest, but once I realized it was a quiet story about the slow unfolding of a relationship over the course of a decade, I'm afraid that was the end of it. I think it would have been an understated, bittersweet, character-centric little relationship study, but none of those things light up my genre fiction-loving brain. Love to read it, but I just can't find the spark to write it. And thus died my dreams of ever writing literary fiction (kidding, I never had those).

So that's the story! I dug up the part you mentioned and had a fun time rereading. I liked it way more than I remembered, and I'm sorry it won't come to fruition. If I knew how to get myself to write something I wasn't wholly invested in, I would absolutely finish it for you.

From "Scenes From a Life We Never Lived":

Thank you so much for this ask. Sometimes if I'm having a bad writing day or if the imposter syndrome is hitting, I like to pretend someone out there is laughing at some stupid joke I wrote (or, since finishing my gothic, is having a pleasant nightmare). Usually my brain tries to convince me this is impossible. I stockpile your kind words as evidence.

[swiftiephobe]

OKAY SO.

i didn't have any friendship bracelets because honestly i could not be fucked making them and they generally just aren't really my thing. so i wasn't on the hunt to trade but two nice girls offered me bracelets (one girl spotted my arm lyric and gave me a speak now one and another girl gave me a dbtc one as we were leaving the stadium) which was very sweet of them!

i'm very VERY glad i didn't watch heaps of livestreams or the tour movie because while i was definitely familiar with most of the show i still felt like there were little details that surprised me!!

i may have gotten teary at the opening. it truly cannot be overstated just HOW emotional of a moment that is.

the bracelets during yntcd are so so gorgeous!

i had gone through 500 emotions by the time the lover set had ended and i knew i was in for an exhausting (in a good way) night

fearless really is THAT album like even if it's not high up on your ranking i really don't think you can be a swiftie without appreciating that album and everything it represents and what it did for her career

i had NO IDEA the intro for willow would be like that and it took me so off guard

her champagne problems speech was so!! ahh!!! i felt like the lover + fearless sets were fairly "rehearsed" in their crowd interaction (not that that's a bad thing!!) but in the evermore set she really started to open up and pour out her emotions.

i was surprised that she talked about the flashlights for marjorie because i assumed that was just something the crowd did every night and she would be used to it by now but she seemed genuinely touched by it tonight!

i also didn't know she talked to the crowd after the champagne problems applause so that was a really nice surprise!

the don't blame me/lwymmd transition was mindblowing as predicted

i simply cannot imagine a version of this tour without long love in it

i will NOT be hearing a single bad word about the red set going forwards. yes it's all the hits and none of the deep cuts but they are HITS for a reason!! i simply cannot make the hits not hit!

TELL HIM HE'S DREAMING

the folklore set is an interesting one. i was predicting it to be my fave as a certified folklore girlie and it was amazing BUT i felt like having it placed directly after atw10 put it in a spot where i was feeling VERY drained and i really had to work to pick myself up to get back into it.

everything after this felt very rapid fire like 1989 was just a barrage of major hits!!!! incredible just how many hits that album produced

the SYDNEY chant was a lot of fun

she sang should've said no (thereby declaring debut rights) and i screamed. then she sang you're not sorry one of my fave fearless songs and i screamed. then she mashed up new years day and peace and i screamed.

idk if i imagined this but while singing peace when she sang "would it ever be enough" it looked like she shook her head and it had me :(

the midnights set had my fave visuals of the whole show methinks

no "karma is the guy on the chiefs" for us tonight but i'm sure it was felt in spirit ❤️

thanks for reading my word vomit on all my thoughts about my show (i will probably have more tomorrow) i think i am going to sleep now

[savage-rhi]

I love your writing!!! You've inspired me to work on my own fics but I've been running into a lot of writers block lately, do you have any prompts or challenges that help you write?

Thank you for the pleasure of reading this hon. I think you made my neurons get off their lazy asses and deliver some dopamine. I have two braincells left and they're both fighting for third place, that's where I've been mentally.

Okay, onto helping people and ignoring my own bullshit!

Writers block...phew! It's a bitch! I myself am in one right now and none of my usual tricks are working, but I sincerely hope they help you out of a bind!

Pick a character from your story. Can be the protag, antag, etc. whoever you're vibing with, pick one and work with this prompt: if they had one last meal before they died, what would it be and why?

Seems simple enough, right? I want to assure you it's not. This is a prompt I use if I want to stay awake for days and run on two hours of sleep because I'm that hooked into a character. Also, I recommend this being the first question you ask any human being you meet because the responses will tell you A LOT about them as people, and if you want to fucks with that or hit the bricks.

Make a personality list for your characters. On the left side, write down a single word to describe a behavior or trait of theirs. On the right, you're going to find words that are the opposite of that trait. For example (cause I want an excuse to use a blorbo):

Ardyn Izunia Haughty -- Humble Seductive -- Off-putting Charismatic -- Unmannerly Flamboyant -- Modest Malicious -- Benevolent Cruel -- Merciful Mischief -- Polite

Once you have enough words to sum up your character (make this as long as you want), you can use this as a reference sheet to help stay in character all the while explore new situations with them that they've perhaps never experienced, or what we the audience haven't witnessed them go through. I also use this a lot when it comes to banter and when characters go through deeper emotions. Trait one is Point A, trait two, Point B and then I fill in the blanks on how to make them meet in the middle.

Consume the media that inspires your stories, characters, etc. If that means binging on fanfiction, go for it. Making fanart or looking at it? Yep. Sitting around doing nothing but daydreaming scenes you'll probably never write? Absolutely. Go at it for hours. Days. Months. Weeks. Years. You don't have to pick up or do anything but give mental energy to the thing you love. Even if you're not "active" like you want to be, you're still in the process of creating (at least that's what I keep telling myself when my inner perfectionist "if you're not productive you're bad!" persona comes out).

I have more ticks, but I am out of spoons. I hope these aid you well nonny, and know that I'm cheering you on through your block! We all get them, and it's important to remind ourselves we aren't machines (I fall into this trap all the time). You got this honey.

[panicawa]

ADHD+feedback=agony

This is going to be a long and possibly boring text post about art and posting art online, with some self-reflection on top. I don’t usually do these and it’s been ages since I’ve actually written any kind of a longer text, but I really need to put these thoughts onto imaginary digital paper. I’d appreciate if you read it through and if you could give me any form of feedback on this! Your own experiences and etc. I do art because it’s a part of my ADHD-ridden personality, this desire to create always buzzing inside, it’s neither and both work and hobby for me, something I love and hate the most in life, because it tortures me as much as it fills me with joy. So if you ask me ‘hey, what’s your purpose for drawing? What’s your goal, your endgame?’ the answer is really ‘there’s none, it’s more of a curse, it’s just something that makes me alive so I can’t help but continue, cause if I stop it feels like I’d vanish or lose myself completely’. I can’t say I’ve done all other forms of media to express myself, but I’ve tried a lot of things (poetry, photography, music, cosplay, crafting and so on and so forth) and nothing comes close to drawing. And I’m not even sure if ‘expressing myself’ is a right way to put it because it’s not that my art is any kind of deep and meaningful, I just illustrate plots and characters I find appealing in some way or another, for the most part. Now, I don’t consider myself to be a professional, but I also have 20+ years of experience at this point so I might as well be, depending on how you look at it. All self-beating aside, I like to think that my art is at somewhat plausible level at the moment? I am proud of how far I’ve come despite everything and I can still see a lot of progress happening, and god knows I work my ass off to continue improving. The main thing I want to address here is how erratic and incomprehensible my online feedback has been recently and how it makes my brain perform loops of dissociation.  I wish I didn’t care for feedback at all, but sadly I do,  it’s what gives me the most dopamine. I’ve recently discovered it’s yet-another ADHD thing. Nothing else in life makes me as fulfilled as seeing other people enjoy my pictures, it’s just pure joy without any downsides to it. It’s really not about financial gain from art or fame and popularity, but just creating something new and then seeing people have a positive emotional response to it is what lights up my life and helps to get through all the shit it throws at me. And considering that my family is mostly completely disinterested in what I create (which has been hurting me more than I can describe since I was a little baby), and my paranoia makes it hard to accept compliments from friends and partners, online feedback has been the best medicine for me. I used to tell myself one day I will get good enough to have some following that would be excited about my art and give me constant feedback in return, because that’s what I always saw happen to other artists. I never aimed to be the most popular or to achieve certain numbers of likes, just being ‘good, on average’ was the ideal for me as long as I’ve had a constant crowd behind. I thought, a lot of musicians of the past don’t really make any more new hit songs, but they still can gather a crowd of long-term fans at a concert, right? Once you make it to some level of popularity you never really go into a complete oblivion, as long as you’re still working your craft and putting it out there? And there have been times in my life where I thought that the moment has finally happened and was now my reality, that my art was finally well enough to climb into ‘popular post’ tiers, and that I have gathered enough audience to have a stable interest in my publications, but it never lasted too long. I understand how social media work, how people change hobbies and fandoms, and how the world around us changes altogether, but recently the ride has been too wild for me to comprehend. Although I have a significant number of followers on all my main social media (tumblr, twitter, IG) (and a lot of those followers are fresh newcomers too), the feedback has just been... all over the place. I understand that I’m dipping into different fandoms here and there (then again, the vast majority of them are extremely popular on their own, so you’d think that should help the situation too?) and I’m experimenting with my art styles, but no matter how hard I try there’s just no consistency. I post something that I’m sure will do well and it does. I post something I’m sure will do well again and it completely flops. I post some scribes for fun and it goes super high. I post another funny thing and there’s no response. One post gets 10k likes, the next one gets 30 likes. Then the next one gets 5k. Then 15. I feel like I have no control over it at all, no understanding. It feels like playing a roulette. Just up to chance every time. It’s the same on all social platforms so I don’t think I could attribute it to algorithms only. How can I ever try to invest time and energy into bigger projects if I can’t even estimate if it has a chance of being any sort of likeable? Is my art just extremely non-consistent on its own and I just don’t notice? What’s going on??? I’m entirely grateful for big numbers but I’d really rather have them spread through most things I post? Of course some publications are going to be more popular than others, it’s perfectly fine, but while 300 likes on some posts and 600 likes on other is understandable, the gaps between 10k+ and less-than-30 are just too extreme? Especially when they happen one after the other? I swear I never see this with other people and it just makes my brain intolerable. For all those of you who have reached the bottom of this rant, thank you! If you have any thoughts to share or similar experiences, please do let me know! My main concern here is how to battle this feeling of am-I-going-insane-or-what, and not the numbers of likes. Finding any way out of this would be good because it has really interfered with my art process lately and I hateeee it!

[tryslora]

ND Creative: Time, Focus, Organization

Time, focus, and organization can be complicated things as an ND creative.

Objectively, I know what I need to do. I know all the steps. I even know that in order to get it done, I have to list out all of those steps, note how long each will take and their dependencies, then reorganize them into a timeline.

Then I stare at the screen, or the piece of paper, and my brain just stops. Says nope. Hits the mental and emotional back button to get the hell out of that mode.

Makes it kind of hard to get anything done.

I’m currently struggling with this exact thing on multiple levels. Why am I blogging about it? Well, I’m hoping that if I talk about the places where I’m stuck, maybe I’ll become unstuck.

Oh, the funny ways we try to trick our minds, yeah?

Big List Things I Need to Do:

Publishing stuff with DPP (timeline not under my control)

Publishing stuff for independent book (oh hey, a release date would be nice and I’m the one who has to set that)

Plotting and outlining the next PHU novel (is it over a year overdue? I’m sure no one noticed…)

Plotting and outlining the next 7Lakes novel (because when the first one comes out, “where’s the sequel” will hopefully be the obvious first question)

There are a million other things on my list in various sizes from small through medium and even large, but none quite as unwieldy as all of those.

I’ve been blocked on these timelines—both for publishing and for plotting—for a long, long time. I feel like I’m trying to do too many things at once, or attacking things on too many fronts. I worry about well, what if one thing overlaps with another—are the people who want to read my work going to be like “nah, I can’t buy two books” and just nope out of everything? Am I screwing it all up?

I keep telling myself I need to let go and just Do The Thing.

Seriously.

Do The Thing.

So, let’s break down what needs to be done at the highest of levels for the writing-related things (and ignore all the blog posts, TikToks, video editing, etc that also needs to be done).

For publishing with DPP, there is: 2nd edit on book 2, large revision on book 3 before it goes to first real edit, then 2nd edit on book 3, and final edits on all of that. Plus cover reveals, blog posts, teasers. Pulling out quotes I want to use for stickers. I am pretty sure I’m forgetting things. The nice thing is that all of the big overhead things like planning a campaign has been done for me. YAY Duck Prints (Seriously, they are AWESOME). I think my sticking point here is that I have no realistic expectation for how long each editing round will (or should) take, so I’m not sure how to slot it in. Plus I know it’ll be overlapping with the other book.

For solo (independent) publishing, I have so much more to do. I have to create accounts with both the private and public profile information that’s required on publishing platforms. I need to create a logo and develop a description of my “publishing company” (me, it’s just me) and I need to business work for that company, like buying ISBNs. I need to finish the final book editing, then do the layout so I know what the spine width is. Then I can contract for and get a cover. After that it should get easier, right? Pull out quotes, do blog posts, cover reveal, announcement of the release date (probably not in that order). Get the news out. I can set a release date once I get everything else on a calendar. And if the bulk of the editing is done sooner rather than later, my editing energy can be spent on the DPP books while I’m doing production and marketing for the 7Lakes book.

Okay. This all starts to feel like something I can get my arms around. I’m going to let the high level/low level plotting go for now, and come back to it in another post.

So—why is this a blog post anyway?

I mentioned before that I was trying to unstick my mind. By talking out loud to someone else—even though I can’t see that someone, and who knows, maybe I’m shouting into the abyss—I feel like I’m being held accountable. I’m working through it in public. In plain sight. It means I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, considering every word. It has to get out of my fingertips and onto the page because I am here, not just trying to make notes privately for myself.

I can’t back button out of it.

Sometimes that’s how I get things done.

Will this translate to me taking the things I’ve said above and moving them into something where I can add timeframes, and schedules, and put it all on a calendar with due dates and start breaking it down into even smaller tasks?

Gods I hope so. It’s a goal, anyway.

Getting back to where we started… time, focus, and organization can be complicated as an ND creative. 

Time—I spent thirty minutes and a thousand words of chatter.

Focus—It’s like body doubling—by talking to you, I got something done.

Organization—I think I have a list. Or a start of one. It’s more than I had!

It’s a complicated way of doing things, but fingers crossed that my next step is getting to cross off the first part of my timelines task.

[ailelie]

So. According to Robert Sapolsky, a neurobiologist at Stanford, humans do not have free will. The article further clarifies that, Sapolsky does not only believe humans lack free will, he also believes we lack constrained will or any will at all. We are simply machines.

We are machines, Sapolsky argues, exceptional in our ability to perceive our own experiences and feel emotions about them. It is pointless to hate a machine for its failures. [...] "It is logically indefensible, ludicrous, meaningless to believe that something 'good' can happen to a machine," he writes. "Nonetheless, I am certain that it is good if people feel less pain and more happiness."

Earlier in the article, Sapolsky even defends the idea that choosing to pick up a pen is no choice at all. Everything else in your life and environment leading up to that moment ensured you picked up the pen.

People don't choose to fire guns into a crowd killing many. They're just machines. How could they?

Sapolsky believes it is humane to tell people they have no choices. They're just following the script of their biology, past, and environment. He doesn't see the concept as utterly soul killing, but why would he? Machines don't have souls.

Now. I don't disagree entirely. I do believe that our choices in any given situation are constrained by our situation, past, goals/future, and environment and that our perceptions of our choices are likewise constrained.

Frost's narrator ponders the two paths through the wood, never even considering they could forge their own path through the woods instead. The choice is present, but they don't see it.

I also think it is possible to constrain their own choices. The woman kills her husband because she no longer wishes to be married to him, but she also needs his money or her faith forbids divorce or she wants full custody of her kids and believes she has no chance of getting it.

Every possible path disappears until you have no choice left at all.

Except...the paths haven't really disappeared. They're still there. Choosing one requires choosing a different value, though.

In one Dateline episode, a woman arranged for her husband to be killed because she wanted her kids. She was happy with partial custody, but she had re-married and her husband was not allowed to be around kids. So her kids were removed from her care. If she divorced the new husband, she could get the kids back. She refused and chose to kill her ex instead, making herself the only parental option for the kids.

Did she actually choose murder or did she have no choice given everything else? Can people shift their values without external influence?

The "external influence" bit is important because Sapolsky says that is the only way we can change. Something hits us and we change trajectory.

I don't quite agree. I think external influence may be great enough to force change, but it may also just open up the opportunity for reflection and potential change.

(Of course, none of this is persuasive. I am not choosing to write this. I am not even selecting each word. Everything is impulse, a mental twitch).

But! What if Sapolsky is right?

First, consider this your external influence to be external influences. If the only way people change is by interaction with something other than themselves, we have a responsibility, I think, to everyone we meet to be a positive influence in their lives, potentially changing them enough that they choose to do less harm in the future.

Second, if we are defined by our biology, families, environments, etc, then it is even more important that we focus our justice system on prevention over punishment. Every neighborhood should be a 'good' neighborhood where residents both feel and are safe.

Third, does it really matter? Maybe my decision to write this post was caused by myriad factors I cannot understand or maybe I read an article and decided to talk about it. My perception, though, is that I chose. We perceive our actions as decisions. Others perceive our actions as decisions. Nothing we do is in isolation either. Everything has consequences. One way to reduce or minimize harm is to take responsibility for the things we do.

Maybe you had no choice but to kill your husband, but it was still your finger on the trigger. Maybe squeezing the trigger was an impulse ruled by a constellation of biology, chemistry, values, childhood, etc. But, to me, an outsider, it looked like you chose to squeeze the trigger and buy the gun and arrange the murder. After the deed is done, arguing you had no choice only increases the harm you've done.

Even if free will does not exist, belief in it may be a good external force urging us to see and truly consider all the options and to also remember that, machines or not, we're not on the planet alone.

Whether it is a mental twitch we cannot control or a conscious decision, let us all minimize harm and maximize good however possible, yeah?

[variantia]

BELLUM. and I OOP-

@bcdluckstumblcd forced me to write this it totally wasn't my idea that wouldn't leave me alone at all, this is the most I've written at one time in months

... the song is "Some Type of Skin" by AURORA (whose music is a big inspiration for my Elsa in general soooo um um um um)

WHO WANNA CRY WITH ME CUZ I AIN'T DOING IT ALONE

“Hit me hard where I am soft should my heart reveal itself to be more than a muscle or a fist covered in blood?”

The clock reads 1:52 A.M. Elsa’s eyes are heavy and she knows she should go home to sleep soon. She has an afternoon shift, so she needs to be sharp. There are texts sitting in her phone and they make her feel like a traitor to the man in the hospital bed.

That’s what he thinks she is. It’s funny how progress can be so hard-fought and won and then so easily lost and forgotten. It’s not Jin’s fault. It’s not Hawks’ fault.

So she’s left feeling like it’s her fault, sins bearing down on her that can’t be swept under the rug. Just the same as every other thing that’s weighed her shoulders down that probably wasn’t hers, but she knows this time she bears at least some of the blame.

How can she do that? To want so badly to help Jin while also defending her friend who did this to him? Who stabbed his family in the back?

There’s no apology she can give Jin that won’t sound incredibly fucking hollow. That won’t sound like an excuse, that won’t sound patronizing.

So she’s just stayed. Visiting hours extended for her, in an uncomfortable chair next to Jin’s bed, watching as the painkillers drag him into an uneasy sleep, and she does the only thing she can think of to help him rest.

She stays by the bed, and she sings quietly.

“… However much it feels to bleed it’s only temporary we’re good people and we both deserve peace, peace…”

Is this any comfort to him, she wonders? Any ease to his mind that she isn’t here to hurt him? She’s read his entire file and she feels horrible for what Hawks had to do. Not just to Jin, to the rest of the League too.

Sometimes she worries that she’s not cut out to be a hero, because she could never imagine doing what Hawks did. She knows, she knows that he genuinely liked Jin as a person. He wanted to give Jin a chance, and Jin didn’t trust him enough to take it, and the sad thing is that Elsa doesn’t blame Jin a bit for not trusting him.

She’s just hoping that she can build enough trust with Jin for him to take the chance she wants to give. It’s the unfortunate truth that right now, the small bit of trust he had in her is broken, because she cares about Jin, but she also cares about Hawks.

This man has been through so much. He probably doesn’t know who he can trust anymore.

“… My God! It’s a lot to build some type of skin I got to build some type of skin My God! It’s a lot…”

Her voice is a gentle lullaby, though she doesn’t even know if Jin can her it. Or whether her emotions, her desperation to give him options, comes through in her voice. All she knows is that she feels it. That it’s real.

For her to give him any options, he has to trust her. There’s a sick feeling in her stomach, the dread that he may never trust her as long as she’s also friends with Hawks. She clings violently to the hope that that isn’t true.

When she looks at Jin in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors and an IV drip of a cocktail of different medications, her heart breaks. All she sees is someone who society forgot, ignored, broke apart. Someone who found their own family.

She’s seen clips of the League. That’s what they are, her mind has always whispered. A family. Their bonds with each other matter and they shouldn’t be dismissed because they’re criminals.

Someone should have given them all a chance. None of them should have been allowed to slip through the cracks.

But they did. And the only person she can give a chance to is Jin. She prays that she can eventually convince him to take it.

“… I guess I should build some type of skin and let breath be air and love the things I know might disappear…”

She doesn’t know if she can verbalize any of the things in her head, or if he would believe her if she did. Her friend nearly killed Jin, and Jin saw her on national television defending Hawks. That has to look like a betrayal in itself.

The media shouldn’t be tearing Hawks apart for doing his job, because they don’t have the whole story. But his job should never have had to come to what he did. While Jin isn’t entirely blameless, Elsa knows that there is a history behind his refusal to take Hawks’ chance at reformation.

It hurts her to be able to see both sides of this, to understand why Hawks did what he did and to understand why Jin did what he did. Anything she says in defense of Hawks is only going to make Jin want to trust her even less.

What happened was an awful situation that shouldn’t have happened at all.

But she cares about Jin. Isn’t that the whole point of a hero, to care about people? To look after them and make sure they’re safe?

So many people forget that doesn’t just apply to civilians. If a villain needs help, they should be able to get.

Someone should give a shit about picking up the pieces.

“… And the last light of the sun I let it slow me down I’ll crawl where everybody runs we’re good people and we deserve peace it’s difficult, it seems…”

Jin twitches. Groans in his sleep. His fist flexes, open and closed, before reaching up to dig at the IV in his arm. It’s painful, she’s sure it itches like crazy, and he’s really not fully conscious to realize what he’s touching.

Before he can get so far as to try clawing at it hard enough to rip it out, Elsa quickly stands up. Her hand goes immediately to his, carefully drawing it back, before her other hand sets over the IV site. Ice channels through her palm, pressing a cooling, soothing bit of relief to all the irritation. Soft shushing noises accompany her movement.

He seems to take her touch okay at least while he’s asleep, with just a grunt and a huff before his face is no longer contorted in discomfort. She’s noticed he really only ever looks relaxed while he’s sleeping; he settles, sinking back down into the thin pillows.

Tentatively, once he’s no longer agitated, Elsa reaches up to run her hand through his hair. An experimental touch, an attempt at giving him some solace among the battleground that she’s certain is his mind right now.

There’s an incomprehensible mumble from him, but nothing else. No sudden spring to wakefulness or glare aimed at her. No mistrust in the way he reacts. It gives her hope.

She lowers herself back down into the chair, watching him again as she continues to sing. This whole time her song hasn’t faltered.

The best way she can show him that he can trust her is to just… be here. To treat him kindly. While she doesn’t know if he’ll accept it, because this poor man has been burned so many times, she tries to stay optimistic.

“… My God! It’s a lot to build some type of skin I got to build some type of skin my God! It’s a lot my God! My God! it’s a lot to build some type of skin I got to build some type of skin my God! My God! My God! It’s a lot, it’s a lot my God! It’s a lot it’s a lot, a lot, to me, to me…”

Existence is heavy all on its own. To live is to know pain. And Elsa knows that’s true, because she has her own pain. Once that pain becomes a part of you, it can’t be removed without killing part of yourself.

The past will always hurt. But she wants to show Jin that the future doesn’t have to.

That’s all she can do now. Keep trying, and pray that she can make his future better than his past, without taking away the parts that have made him who he is. Without taking away the little bits of joy that he found with the League, and without making him think her friendship with Hawks means she’s a threat to him.

Jin’s life is precious. She will fight to make him see that.

Her hand stays in his hair for a long moment, falling away only when the final bars of her song taper off.

She should go home. But she won’t. She’ll spend the night by Jin’s side, in this uncomfortable chair, sleeping in the worst position possible, so that he won’t wake up alone again.

“… My God, it’s a lot,” is the last sigh of her breath before her eyes close and she lets the darkness claim her.

[mandii-morbid]

I am currently working my way through the fourth book in the Plated Prisoner Series by Raven Kennedy, "Glow". I cannot believe how pulled in I was by Auren's character, and really all the characters but I felt a kinship with Auren specifically. I found myself crying and raging with her throughout the books at every turn of the page.

I know this is going to be yet another series I will feel lost and sad over once it is finished. The rise of each of these characters through their hardships, abuses, and pain is a somewhat triggering journey of heart and growth and truly resonates with those who have been broken, beaten, and on the verge of giving up. It may be a fantasy series but it touches on some truly real subjects and problems if you take away the fae magic and the monarchies. Manipulation, abuse, gaslighting. Toxic relationships. The characters really had a feel of someone who truly knows those experiences and reflects them like a mirror. One that can be hard to read through especially if you catch yourself in that reflection. But the realness of it made it hit that much harder. Although I personally enjoy those fantastical touches, the fae, the magic, and the unreality of reality dappled in with the real and raw emotion. I revelled in the moment where Auren enacted such a poetic end to her suffering at the hands of her abuser. It was somehow cathartic. It brought a wholly dark and sadistic smile to my face as the narrators described the scene unfolding. But I felt sorrow about it too. Knowing that this was also a symbolic death of a part of her too. Even if it was possibly necessary and maybe deserved for that specific person.

A very touching story of regaining your sense of self, your freedom, finding strength in yourself, finding your love for yourself aside from just the romance of another. Not that I am complaining about that, no, not at all. I definitely ship Auren and Slade and the spicy details that are all involved with them were just delicious icing on the cake.

I cannot wait for the 5th book to come out. ✨

I mean Raven Kennedy's writing was just, words are hard right now, just YES. Also she really has a lot of verbiage that stokes my inner feminist too.

Here are some quotes that really got me:

"There comes a point in your life when you have to choose between having regrets and the possibility of making mistakes. I’d rather make those mistakes than live without ever taking a chance, because I’ve missed out on too much already. Taking chances can be like walking through a mudslide, where every inch of you gets stained, but regrets are the stagnant pools of deprivation, and I’ve been wading in them for far too long."

"I kept taking it and taking it, convincing myself that this was the way it needed to be. Lying to myself because I loved him, because he manipulated me. I’ve been bending over backwards for so long that I forgot I even had a spine."

"That’s the thing with trauma to the body—it shows up instantly. In breaks and bruises, in burns and in blood. But the trauma on the inside, that’s harder to see. It creeps around your mind, poisons you with disquiet. It can hit you out of nowhere, debilitating and ruinous. There are no marks visible for those. None, save the shadows in your eyes."

"One person's pain doesn't negate another's. Our heartaches are not competition, but the bridge to empathy. So that we can look at one another and know that on some level, we understand. That's one beautiful thing about grief, I think. That sometimes, we can find someone in the world to look at from the other side of the bridge of our torments and know that we are not alone."

"Time changes with torment. It stretches on, lengthening seconds, extending minutes. I’ve learned that pain and fear have a way of prolonging. And as if that weren’t cruel enough, our minds make sure we relive those moments again and again and again, long after they’ve passed. What a bastard, time is."

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

Hello again! It's dragonfly anon here! And after reading more about Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian's relationship, I ccouldn't help but notice that their relationship is pretty much what me and a friend of mine had going on for 3 years until I eventually decided to cut ties with her.

I was Wei Wuxian in this scenario, and, by the heavens do I understand his feelings more than ever. Where you are the only person who gives and gives more of yourself just to please others until eventually you are nothing more than an emotional slave, being tied to whatever genuine feelings you once had for the person that now tries to keep you in a leash, living in a perfect fantasy to suit their needs.

Much like Jiang Cheng, this friend of mine was only ever satisfied when i did things her way, and if i was better than her, or didn't reach her expectations, I was suddendly the one in the wrong. I couldn't have more friends, otherwise i was picking others over her, I couldn't do better in classes, because then I was shaming her, and oh boy dare I like someone romantically.

This is kind of a vent but also just me understanding Wei Wuxian more than ever and just being happy that he also got to be free. Specially with someone who loves and is the to support him like Lan Wangji!

I still haven't found my own Lan Zhan, but I have time and I have new friends and my family to support me, but I still wanted to share this little piece here because as someone who was in a similiar situation to Wei wuxian, it pains me to see people belittle his feelings over Jiang Cheng. I don't really mind if people create AU's and such, these are fictional characters after all, but when talking about canon JC as if WWX was in the wrong? People gotta be ready to catch my fucking fists because I'm coming for them, no one hurts my son in my presence.

But yeah your post yesterday was also a very enlightening and I truly had to lay down and have my onw "Oh" moment because, oof it hit right in the feels. Anyways love you and your posts and they always bring me so much joy! (Tho I have to read SVSSS now to help fend off your blog against nasty haters, gonna start my research soon!)

Dragonfly out! - 🐉🦋

I am very happy about this, Dragonfly!

I do think what keeps Mo Dao Zu Shi so great as a reread over and over is because it has such a great underlying social commentary through it's characters on very human relationships and how none of those can really be neatly tied up for endings. I do see how those ends can be lackluster, since the end of a fall out of an extremely bad relationship is not supposed to always be cathartic. Sometimes you just have to move on yourself and live even if they're stuck in the past.

I do think Wei Wuxian is an amazingly written literary character, he wouldn't be as magnetic in fandom if it wasn't for how well written he is as a protagonist. The work meticulously works it's way through to show, that whatever mistakes that yes, Wei Wuxian may have made, he learned and grew from that and became more world aware without letting that jade his optimism for people. It takes a lot of strength to go through hell and still say you want others, and yourself, to remember the happy times over the hard. His mistakes and regrets are there, but he doesn't let them keep him from being levelheaded or realistic about the world he is in.

Vindication is very easy to feel, but he is just not that type of character to try to attempt that through by the end.

I'm glad my posts keep you entertained! For as moody and sarcastic as I can be, I try to let that be the crux of what I post here without the filters of fandom lenses. Fandom is fun to explore the what if's for! But maybe I'm a little bit old school and like to separate it from the canon of the texts and what we are given to actually decipher from that. As writers say plenty of times, sometimes don't think too much about a certain part since it's not the part meant to be focused on for the themes.

[mynotsohealthyobsession]

I have been waiting for your Birthday to give you this for months, I can't wait that long anymore. Consider this your early BDay gift.

Old Friends unite

Nightbound and Bloodbound are visual stories from the @playchoices App created by Pixelberry Studios. For reading the stories download the Choices App from the App Store or Google Play. The characters and places are owned by Pixelberry except of those which I created myself to give the story a special touch. Plus, mynotsohealtyobsession gave me the permission to showcast her Bloodbound Main character and OC too as part of a birthday gift for her. Mynotsohealtyobsession, I hope you will like this.

Female Main Characters: Alex Clarissa Fontaine (Nightbound) & Amy Raines (Bloodbound) with Zuri Raines [formerly Amy Miller]

Pairing: Nik RyderxAlex (f!MC) & Adrian Raines×Amy (f!MC)

Summary: Nik and Alex meet Adrian and Amy.

Word counting: less than 500 words

Rating: General

Warnings: none

Nik Ryder stormed inside Raines Corp. with his crossbow, followed by his partner, Alex. Both travel with the elevator to the highest floor of the crystalline building where they reach the top floor to finally meet the person they were looking for.

"Senator Raines, Nik Ryder is my name, nighthunter from New Orleans and we need to talk.", he told him with in serious voice.

"Mister Ryder, what a pleasure to meet you. You could have informed me about your arrival, I have a meeting soon."

"I don't care, you're a clan leader of the vampires. Your job is to control them but these bloodsuckers in NOLAS..."

"Amy? Amy Miller, is that you?!!"

"Alex, it's you!!! Yes, I'm Amy and it's good to see you. How's Kristin? And what're you doing here?", Amy asked and gave her old friend an hug to greet her. Both college friends were really happy meeting eachother after so long.

"You two know eachother?"

"Yes, Adrian. Meet one of my old friends, Alex Fontaine. Alex, meet my husband, Adrian Raines which means I'm now Amy Raines. Not Amy Miller anymore."

"Husband? Wow, you're married with senator?", she asked and then glanced at Nik who hasn't even proposed her yet. Then a question hit in her mind and turned her focus back on Amy and Adrian. "But wait, aren't vampires evil?"

"Don't worry, Adrian is a good vampire who supports humans. Well, it's a long story too. We need to catch up because I'm also interested to know how you ended up with a nighthunter."

"Yes, Alex, I am a good vampire. It is nice to meet you. Any friend of my wife is a friend of mine. And friends don't barge inside someone's office, right blondie?", Adrian shook hands with Alex and stared annoyingly at Nik.

"Nik Ryder is my name, not blondie."

"Hey Alex, wanna meet our Zuri? Adrian and I adopted her. She's with Lily right now."

"Eeeeek, you even adopted a child!!! Vampires are awesome! I mean, how cute and caring, I want children too!!!! Soooooo... Yes, please, show me Zuri Raines.", Alex got emotional by the idea of beeing married and having children. But she got really excited to meet her friend's new child.

"Rookie, wait...", his voice got cut when Adrian placed his hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Alex is in safe hands. Let her catch up with Amy while we both discuss our matter with vampires of New Orleans, if you're still interested that is...?", Adrian asked Nik.

"And your meeting?"

"I can handle that, don't worry. Please, take a seat."

Both gentlemen decided to keep their diffrences and anger aside and to discuss how to make the world a much safer place, while Amy and Alex spent a nice time together.

Sweetie, this was so good! I appreciate that you took your time to do it and that you have my birthday so present! I love the interaction between the characters, and even Zuri made it into it!! When Adrian called Nik blondie, killed me 🤣🤣

I'm going to be honest here, this couldn't come in a better time. My grandma suddenly passed away this last Friday. She was my everything, we chat almost every day, and I couldn't even say goodbye to her. The fact that you have me so present and take the time to write this is simply precious for me.

Thank you so much for this wonderful fic! And for always being around ♥️