#but anxiety levels are peaked rn

[define-uninhabitable]

climate change, imminent and current wars, fragile political climates, food security or lack of ig, the downspiral of everything really

it just clouds over hope yknow, like i need to force myself to study because my anxiety ridden, daily panic attacked ass sees no point in doing all of this? say i do graduate, complete my internship, specialize, begin working as a competant doctor, then what? it'll be closing in on 2030 maybe. all the shit we were supposed to avoid will happen cause up to this day no one who actually has the power to change things gives a fuck lol. the future is bleak. realistically speaking.

[beeisnothere]

something just hit me so warning cheesy post ahead. cw social anxiety i guess

okay so i don't think i talked about this here but a couple of months ago i got a dead poets society tattoo. i had wanted it for a very long time and i was leaving my city (&country) so i decided it was time to say fuck it, and got it along with another one fandom related but not important rn. the thing, i got "and still we sleep" cause i relate to Todd to another fucking level and it meant so much to me. that whole scene,,, very personal to me yk. so it just hit me that that's the point where Todd feels confident enough to speak up, that's kinda the character development peak. so as i said i have been abroad for like almost three months and,,, i think it was the time i got the tattoo and moved here that i had my character development peak. i just stopped to think about it and?? i'm meeting new people?? i'm able to talk to people without feeling like i'm gonna pass out?? i'm being able to do that?? obviously my anxiety hasn't gone anywhere, same as Todd cause i feel some ppl are like omg he's confident enough now, he's not gonna be anxous again problem solved. yeah, doesn't work like that but idk it's just so cool that it was the moment i got it everything changed. felt like sharing but ending up venting. whatever, i love Todd so much it hurts yup.

the photo couldn't be more blurry i hate myself lmao

[lemonflowercat]

75 soft: break day

i am so tired. and funny enough - yes, i did wake up feeling super low energy - but i am so much more tired now than i was when the day began and all i've done is mindlessly scroll through YT. it's not just me, right? everyone feels this drained and disgusting my-brain-is-a-a-sewer feeling, after consuming media for hours, right? and everyone starts to relate to the "if you do this, you probably have ADHD," posts, right? --- LOL. yeah so i reached that point, and that was my cue to unhook my thumb from my screen. let's not even get started with how i feel about people throwing around "ADHD" and "anxiety" and "OCD" and "neurodivergence" like it's the flu.

ugh, everyone out there is trying to sell something, everything is disingenuous un-original misleading and just twisted manipulative ways to hook people's attention. this is not the internet i envisioned growing up. ):

and despite feeling this way, i've been an avid consumer for 8h today. i've been a slave to my monkey brain, and now we get out of it.

today was supposed to be the day i make some crazy headway with my study goals and finish up biochemistry - which didn't happen clearly. i can't entirely pinpoint why my day fell apart, but i know exactly when - and that was right after breakfast. the same thing happened to me yesterday, and the day before. i've also been feeling really tired and yeah self-hate is peaking so these are some things i want to figure out for myself before i start a new week.

things i did that "align" with the person i'm trying to be:

this week v last week is disappointing, because the bare minimum i intended to do is be better than my previous week. but let's not dismiss the fact that i am now down to 3 relatively easy units in biochemistry. it's very hard to fight these deep failure sadness that's engulfing me rn. but push through we will.

i stuck to my calorie budget nearly 6 days this week, which is my best streak in a long time. but what i'm most happy about is that i've eaten out only once this week! which is something that was seeming impossible to do in my Goa life. i had lots of amazing nourishing meals that i am so grateful for.

morning yoga: 5x this week (including this morning's restorative yoga) and evening wxo: 5x this week.

rationally, it looks like i don't need to feel as terrible as i'm feeling. i think it's how little i've studied that my inner critic is being most judgmental about. it's also making me so anxious. i've been feeling like i have a scream trapped in my throat all day. i feel numb, and my brain keeps counting down to exam day with mounting dread. i wonder if the stress has a part to play in how tired i've been feeling. that coupled with the fact that my days get pretty exhausting, what with doing the me-things and then the home-things. like cleaning and cooking and tending to my babies (kokie and suzie). sigh it's not like i have a choice.

well...i don't know what really to do to fix this studying problem. i guess i have to be more mindful about my energy levels and figure what's really working for me. for now, one thing i've noticed is - the afternoon heat is sapping my energy. i will

remember to draw the blinds by my study corner

reserve the afternoon for chores and cooking because i've noticed i've been focusing better in the evening

hope this week is better x

[wolf-skins]

my favourite part about r/df/ms and their whole “liberal mogai tumblr stops lesbians from feeling good and proud about loving women!!!” is that their bs is 100% the reason why i feel so boxed in with my own labels and that i have a genuine fear to the point of being terrified about potentially using the lesbian label.

and it’s not bc i’m worried about being lumped in with them. it’s bc i wouldn’t be a “real lesbian” in their eyes and they would 1000% come in droves for my neck if i did so, and that’s a fact.

but okay it’s everyone not a gatekeeper that ruins identities and lives and pride

i want y’all to be aware that when i joined tumblr way back in 2010/2011 as a 16 year old just discovering that i really really was gay and might be kicked out for it that it was “””””libfem mogai/mogii whatever”””” tumblr that made me feel safe, and happy, and proud and completely comfortable trying on and changing labels as i discovered myself.... and it’s only now with the gatekeepers screeching so much that i feel shame and guilt and self-hate.

so jump the fuck off this bullshit 

[yehet-me-up]

*busts through the door like I'm the Kool-Aid man* BONJOUR FUCKERS I'M BACK!!! It is I, the Theatrical Gay Anon™! I hope you're ready to endure my endless babbling for a bit cuz I've got lots to say holy shit. Consider this part 1 of like, 1000 cuz I think Tumblr got rid of the submissions feature. I apologize in advance for the spam hehe.

Okay, with that out of the way. Ms. Yehet-Me-Up, may I call you Sarah? Sarah, what the fuck!? I can't even rn. I I give you a simple suggestion, no expectations behind it. I say "Hey, don't you think it'd be cool if Zitao was in the Exodus Mall universe?" to which you said "Yeah, that'd be neat, I might do that. Perhaps make him work at an Irish pub or something" and then I flip out with gratitude and excitement thinking you're gonna do like, a DRABBLE. 500 words at MOST -Theatrical Gay Anon

Imagine my SHOCK, my STUPEFACTION, upon realizing that you wrote OVER TEN THOUSAND WORDS about Huang Zitao aka the wind beneath my wings, the rain to my drought, the corny joke to my Junmyeon. And not only that! But you did this A MONTH AGO. I could've been reading this for so long and I had no idea! How foolish am I? I can't believe you wrote all of this based off of a silly little suggestion I made. I feel like bowing over how not worthy I am Wayne's World style -Theatrical Gay Anon

NOW IN REGARDS TO THE CONTENT OF THIS MASTERPIECE OH MY GOD WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN!? I am floored by your preeminence. First things first, the title? Perfect. Full disclosure, I suck at titles. I've been writing for over a decade now and I'm still shit with titles. It's so hard to come up with just a few words to encapsulate everything you wrote but you do it SO WELL. The moodboard? Amazing. I've always loved that picture of Zitao and it fits so well with the pub setting -Theatrical Gay Anon

I'm afraid you've written "Fractions of Tomorrow" so well that I don't see there being a need for anyone to write anything else...ever. Stories? CANCELED. Poetry? CANCELED. Biographies? CANCELED. It's all over folks. Sarah has written The Best Thing Ever. We've peaked as a society. After I finish writing these asks I'm gonna become a hermit in the woods and make friends with all of the woodland creatures that inhabit it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

But seriously though, I love absolutely everything about this story. As a Zitao fan, I'm used to getting breadcrumbs. Not a lot of ppl write fics about him. I can count on one hand how many long fics of his you can find on Tumblr. But THIS?? This was no breadcrumb, this was a whole fucking bakery. And it all appeals to me so much oh my god? The sappiness of it all, the flowery prose, the rebellious rejection of cynicism, it's all so beautiful I want to marry it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

If I discussed all of the sentences in this fic that made me giggle with joy and kick my feet around I'd be here all day so keep in mind this is just a FRACTION of the ones I loved but I couldn't go without mentioning at least some of them so here we go. "It’s not his first time here, but it’s his first time paying attention" SHUT UP this line is go good it's so simple yet so nuanced I adore it. Seriously, why hasn't anyone hired you to write a screenplay? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"He wonders if you ironed the collar of your shirt to be that precise or if you simply move through the world without acquiring any wrinkles" God, this line is so CUTE it's DISGUSTING he's fond of the reader's un-wrinkled clothes that's such a specific thing to like and is totally the type of thing I've done with the ppl I've crushed on throughout my life. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Zitao,’ he says finally. ‘Cute.’ You say" this is such a little thing but I love that you included his full name in this. I love his full name so much it sounds really pretty. Whenever I hear him refer to himself as "Huang Zitao" in interviews my heart soars. Hearing him speak Mandarin in general is a delight as well. It's an audibly gorgeous language and any racist who says otherwise can EAT MY ENTIRE ASS -Theatrical Gay Anon

"For someone who’s been in love for as long as you can remember she fights awfully hard against Baekhyun’s romantic nature" DEAR GOD I LOVE THESE TWO! I love these movie loving lovesick fools. I love that everyone in the world knows they love each other except them. I love seeing bits and pieces of their story throughout this written universe. I can't wait to see it all come together in Baekhyun's Exodus Mall fic. It's gonna be GLORIOUS -Theatrical Gay Anon

Also! I know you enjoyed my song recs that I thought fit perfectly with All Our Broken Places so here are some for when the Baek x Hitchcock fic drops. I know it's not done yet but I just *know* what it's gonna be like I can feel it in my bones. "Sidekick" by Walk the Moon and "Tongue Tied" by Grouplove. As for Fractions of Tomorrow I knew right away what songs I'd pick. "Dreams" by The Cranberries, "Jumpstarted" by Jukebox the Ghost and "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey -Theatrical Gay Anon

Gosh, this fic filled me with so much energy and joy I feel like a toddler on caffeine. But I really should sleep now though. It's gotten so late that I can see the sunrise peaking up sdksdksl. I'll see ya soon! I will be spamming you with more compliments about this fic once I wake up though! - Theatrical Gay Anon

Hi! I'm back. Okay, now where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about some of my favorite lines from the story. "‘Hey man, how’s it going?’ Baekhyun reaches out and does a complex handshake with the man before you. ‘Oh, you know. Just working at the salt mines,’ Tao says with a laugh." I LOVE that you made Baek the one Zitao was close with. I miss the beef brothers so much. I'll never forgive SM for what they did to OT12. They were all such good friends 😔 -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘I’m not sure.’ For a flash Tao’s eyes linger on you once more. ‘I think it would depend on the person.’ And then the bastard goes and winks at you." GOD, HE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! HE'S SUCH A SHAMELESS FLIRT I HATE HIM *narrator voice* This was of course a huge a lie, he in fact loved Zitao immensely -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Sweetheart, I’m everyone’s type.’" You've captured Zitao's unlimited confidence so well and that makes me really happy. It's one of my favorite things about him. The man truly loves himself and I think that's awesome -Theatrical Gay Anon

"Tao looks at you through his lashes, bending close enough that you can feel his breath on your lips when he speaks. ‘Words are just the appetizer, darling. I prefer to have an entire feast.’ 'Any other questions or can I grab your orders?’" ASDKDSDSL SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA SAY THAT PANTY DROPPER LINE AND GO BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL ZITAO???? HUH??? IS THAT WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO??? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Oh, nothing.’ He looks like the cat that caught the canary. ‘I just love being right.’" Something I love about EXO fic writers (myself included lol) is that despite all of the different ways they'll write the other members, there is one member who is always written the same and that's Baekhyun. He will always be written as a cheeky little shit cuz he *is* a cheeky little shit. That's just who he is. Messing with ppl is a favorite past time of his. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"'So, love, huh? There’s not some girlfriend or boyfriend of yours waiting for you at home?’" Thank you for not being heteronormative with the "are you dating someone?" convo. I know it might not seem like much but I really appreciate it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"The beginning of love is always a lightning bolt. If that’s all it ever is you never have to deal with being knocked on your ass by the resulting thunderstorm" OOF, this one got me. So very true. The beginning of love is so scary! -Theatrical Gay Anon

"I could argue that anarchy still is love. Love of your beliefs and love of a person or a place or a thing so much that you’re willing to fight for it" OKAY BUT PASSIONATE LEATHER JACKET WEARING ANARCHIST ZITAO IN A ROCK BAND IS SUCH AN ATTRACTIVE CONCEPT!!! There's nothing sexier than a bad boi that will hate capitalism with you! He'd probably be the one to give ppl rides to protests and stuff I LOVE IT -Theatrical Gay Anon

"If we say love is a feeling, who’s to say that we aren’t in love? If we decide it’s an action then which one is it? A kiss or a commitment or - maybe it’s nothing more complicated than putting words to the way I feel when you look at me?" Listen I don't mean to be dramatic or anything (wait, who am I kidding? I'm literally the Theatrical Gay Anon being dramatic is like my Thing) but if a guy ever said that to me my trans boi pussy would be open for business IMMEDIATELY

Alright, so, uh Final Thoughts. This may be my new favorite work of yours, and no it's not just cuz it's got my ultimate bias in it lmao. This year has been so shitty and it's made my depression + anxiety reach the highest possible levels but reading this, this love story filled with hope and certainty despite not knowing what the future will hold for them, made this year seem easier to cope with. Thank you so much for making this, it means the world to me. -Theatrical Gay Anon

ALRIGHT, LAST ASK AND THEN I'LL SHUT UP I PROMISE but I personally headcanon that Double Shot + Zitao stayed together till the very end. They didn't get married cuz they hate formalities but they got matching tattoos and even when they're old and grey you can still them clear as day on their wrists. When they're asked how they met no one believes their answer lol. And when Double Shot died of old age before Zitao he would sing her favorite song by her grave every Saturday -Theatrical Gay Anon

OKAY SO I know I said I was done and I know I've already sent in like, 30 bajillion asks but I'm curious does Yifan or Luhan also work at the Irish pub?? Or do they work somewhere else in the mall? Inquiring minds want to know -Theatrical Gay Anon

When I tell you this made my entire month (when you sent it weeks ago, I’ve been hanging onto these because they seriously bring me SO much joy holy crap) I am not remotely kidding j;oaisjdflkasdjfa

I am absolutely going to put on these song recs while I work on the next chapter! 

a;osdfjlaksdfjasl the fact that you stayed up late to read this warms my heart so much. It reminds me of all the times I stayed up til the ass crack of dawn reading fanfics because I simply could NOT stop reading, so the fact that you enjoyed this like that makes me helllllaaaa emo 🥰

I just??? 2020 was indeed such a long year and affected my energy and creativity and honestly don’t really remember writing this hahaha. I kind of go into a fugue state with these longer fics and they just EMERGE. So to see you reflecting back some of what I wrote allows me to enjoy the process so much more. Makes writing and tumblr fun and I seriously wish everyone writing and creating could have someone as passionate and thoughtful and hilarious as you hyping them up 🌟 it honestly feels like a GIFT and I will absolutely keep writing this series and hoping to be worthy of it 😘

We will definitely get to see more of these two in the finale fic! I got into EXO after Tao, Yifan, and Luhan left so I’m not quite as familar with their personalities, but I could definitely see Yifan working at the US Bank haha. Business suit by day and partying/flirting by night. As for Luhan I feel like he’d work somewhere like the bookstore or the music store?? somewhere quieter and more contemplative. 

Thank you again for sending this and for being you <3 I hope 2021 is a wonderful year for you and that you know how AMAZING you are 💖💖💖💖💖

[lesbianmaxevans]

Twenty Questions

I was tagged by @s4karuna

1) What do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Rachel ig? lmao I don’t rlly do nicknames

2) When is your birthday?

July 7th

3) Where do you live?

uhhhhhhh midwest US. I’m not comfortable getting more specific than that lmfao

4) Three things you are doing right now?

watching a Binging With Babish video, playing a word game on my iPad, and this lol

5) Four fandoms that have peaked your interest:

uhhhhhhhhh I’m not rlly active in fandoms much anymore (esp w the July update making going thru tags a nightmare imo lmaoooo) but I guess content that’s at the front of my mind rn: Julie and the Phantoms, Smallville, everything DCEU, Roswell New Mexico

6) How has the pandemic been treating you?

uhhhhhhhh tbh I still have to go to the office for my job so my life is pretty much the same except higher stress levels lmfao. tbh I don’t think the stress has mentally registered and my body’s response is that I’m just. so physically exhausted all the time

7) A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

Stand Tall from Julie and the Phantoms

8) Recommend a movie.

as it’s almost halloween and I’m working on my 31 days of halloween edits I’m gonna go w byzantium. one of my favest vampire films ever and extremely underrated

9) How old are you?

25

10) School, university, occupation, other?

my job of approving invoices.............. literally so useless............. I hate it...............

11) Do you prefer heat or cold?

cold bc if I’m sitting inside blasting the air conditioning and in a tank top and shorts and I’m still too hot what the fuck am I supposed to do to make the conditions more bearable for myself............. cold you can just continually add layers

12) Name one fact others may not know about you.

uhhhhhhhhhhh I have two half brothers on my dad’s side who are both more than a decade older than me

13) Are you shy?

yeah partially bc I’ve been rejected a lot lol

14) Preferred pronouns?

she/her

15) Biggest Pet Peeves?

hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk my mind is blank rn I’m braindead after work

16) What is your favorite “dere” type?

??????? I’m too tired to look this up lmao

17) Rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna say 7 probably bc my mom and her side of the family are. a Nightmare. and my coworkers are a nightmare and I have no irl friends living nearby bc they all left our state once we graduated lolz. but I mean I can mostly avoid interactions w my family and I’m known(tm) for avoiding drama at work so no one ever talks to me outside of work stuff lmao. my mental health isn’t completely in the trash this year like it was this time last year

18. What’s your main blog?

[redacted] bc it’s only for mutuals

19. List your side blogs and what they’re used for.

this is my only sideblog. on my original acct I had a sideblog specifically for my editing but I’m too tired to separate everything at this point lmao

20. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh unless we already have friends in common I’m prob gonna be a little slow to warm up to you bc I had gotten rlly close to someone last year and they ghosted me back in january and it rlly fucked me up lol. that being said I’m like. trying to work on my anxiety lol so pls feel free to mssg or dm me if you want to chat

uh I tag @lesbiandiegohargreeves @fivelittlebirdies @craashdowns @halfthealphabet @protectwoc if you want!! if I didn’t tag you and you see this and want to do it feel free to say I tagged you.

[arthur-morgan-slap-my-ass]

Get to Know The Author

Tagged by my bbbbyyyyyyyyy BBYYYYY @redemptionbaby (go check out her blog, it’s amazing!!!!!!)

1. What do you like to read in your free time?

Lately I’ve been sticking mostly to fanfic, to be honest - but I’m an avid reader, so I’ll read anything, really. I’m currently under a promise I’ve made to myself, not to read any book written after the 20th century and only the ones whose the author is dead.. It’s a bit macabre, but it’s been very fun to read the classics! I’m currently making my way through Jane Eyre.

2. Did you ever enjoy writing in school?

That depends, to be honest. I liked language classes, I always got a lot of praise for my writing. When I was 14, an essay I wrote in class for the misuse of internet by children/adolescents got taken to the principal and I received a small tribute for it at the school auditorium. I guess I peaked already and I’m never gonna achieve that again *sighs dreamily*

3. First fictional crush?

Mhmmm... I think it was probably... uh. Okumura Rin, from Ao No Exorcist? The otaku phase was gruesome. After I left that phase and entered the video game era, that was Ezio Auditore from Assassin’s Creed. Damn, he’s,,,,, hot.

4. What kind of characters compel you?

Usually... characters that stand up for themselves, that aren’t afraid to be judged by what they are. Do they seem weak? Tired? Misplaced, broken, overly emotional? Yeah. But do they care? No. Is that going to stop them from saving the day? No. Are they quitters? Also no. I’m huge into Marvel, so the best example I can find of it rn is: Captain Marvel, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes (BBC), Tommy Shelby (Peaky Blinders) and Captain America. They do... inspire me. I like humanity in characters!

5. What kind of narratives compel you?

Usually narratives with a strong psychological development are my thing! I really like writing about it too, since I have anxiety. I wrote a piece about it with some of my OC’s a while back and the outcome was better than I expected, so I kinda developed an appreciation for that sort of narrative.

6. Are your academic writing and creative writing at the same level of quality, or is one better than the other?

I believe they are quite equal. When we had group projects, I was always set as the writer of the essay, because my grammar is quite good and I can express myself pretty well. But I do enjoy writing creatively more, obviously!

7. Do you like to read references and put them in your writing?

I like practicing it while writing what I currently have at hand, if it matches my obligations/plans. I don’t rely too heavily on references, except when it’s for things that I don’t know well/am not familiar with.

8. What kind of environment do you like to write in?

I prefer the quietness of my bedroom. Lately, I’ve taken a liking to write in the hammock in my bedroom - because it’s beside the veranda and since I live in an apartment, I’ve got quite the view for when my eyes get tired of writing!

9. Random fact about your bedroom!

You’re more likely to find my bookshelf more organized than my bed will ever be. I organize my books by author/height decreasing order. Also, I tend to leave clothing on the floor. A lot. It’s not a good habit, so you guys shouldn’t do it. There is cat hair everywhere and I cover my PS4 with a face towel to avoid my cats’ hair to clog its exhauster.

10. Do you like to read as much as you like to write?

Sometimes I prefer to write, others I prefer to read. That is because sometimes I just don’t feel up for the writing/reading, I suppose. It’s hard to explain, but lately I’ve been really into the reading bit. But mostly fanfic. I went down on the Sherlock fandom again, those were the days.

11. What’s your most recent fixation?

Mhmmmm... RDR2 has really got me like woah, I’m somewhat new to the fandom, but lately my Marvel hyperfixation has hit me square in the chest and I’m binging all the movies all over again because I lack self control and am completely and utterly in love with Tony Stark since I have lots of daddy issues. Nice huh.

Now I have to come up with 11 questions and tag 11 and I have no idea who to tag besides @anniesburg @marshmallow--3 and @arthurmorgan-s-heart (because I really like their writing and I’m too shy to contact.)

What’s your favorite book or author? Why?

If you were to be an animal, which do you think that fits your personality?

Tell us about your biggest character crush, recent or not.

Do you struggle with anything about writing? If yes, what is it?

What’s your favorite pairing from your favorite fandoms? 

Top 5 songs that you can relate to the lyrics

When you’re writing, do you usually listen to music? If yes, what genre?

Do you prefer the quiet town aesthetic or bustling city?

At what age did you start writing fanfic and to which fandom?

Are you friends with any popular author of your fandom? If yes, how did you befriend them?

Biggest nono when reading fanfic? Could be a tag, writing style, thematic.

[5hfanfiction]

Burning Memories (One Shot)

Summary: Camila and Lauren reunite by fire at the beach as they reflect on their past relationship while active in Fifth Harmony and struggle to wrap their heads around what’s in store for them as they navigate adulthood and contemplate the future.

Burning Memories

Camila Cabello was no more than ten yards from her car and already breaking a sweat from the weight of the logs and kindling she was carrying. She silently cursed the spontaneity of her plans and the resulting poor execution. The notebooks tightly squeezed into the backpack on her shoulders may as well have been bricks when combined with the other supplies that she brought along to the beach. However, it was inching near sunset, so being aware of how dark it would get afterward inspired a slight hustle in her to find the perfect spot for setting up.

There were a few other people within eyesight scattered along the beach but nobody close enough to get a good look at pop music’s stream queen. Ideally wherever she landed would stay secluded and afford her the privacy desired to conquer the evening’s mission without fear of recognition. At just about the point when she felt like her arms might fall off or her legs might give out from under her, Camila found a space that met her criteria and she gently dropped her supplies down to the sand in relief.

In hindsight she realized it may have been more effective to kidnap a girl scout as numerous unsuccessful attempts at starting a fire had come and gone. She opted to take a break and enjoy viewing the sunset when her frustration with the fire-starting reached a peak. It was difficult for Camila to remember the last time she let herself get lost in the beauty of her landscape, and in a way it helped relax her mind away from thoughts about the reason she came out there in the first place.

As the last visible piece of the sun dwindled away from view, Camila returned her attention toward the unlit logs and the unzipped backpack lazily tossed a few feet away. It was barely visible at that point, so she broke the “no cell phone” policy she intended to enforce in order to use her flashlight app. Unfortunately, breaking this rule meant she saw she had received a text from her second least favorite person in that moment, and her level of restraint to prevent her from reading it was minimal to none once she knew it was there.

“Thx, Camz! After the date’s set I can send you an invite. Is your parents’ address ok? It’d be good to c u. Matthew is welcome as your +1, ofc. :)”

Camila took a deep breath as she flipped her phone over so the screen was facing away from her again, against her leg. Lauren wasn’t her friend anymore, far from it, but enough time had lapsed that they could be civil enough to acknowledge each other when congratulations were in order. Ty had apparently proposed to Lauren a while ago, but the media somehow didn’t catch on before the couple chose to announce it themselves on Instagram a few hours before Camila’s escape to the beach.

It had been barely tens minutes after Camila read the announcement and found the courage to text Lauren her well wishes about the news that her boyfriend, Matthew, requested to FaceTime from overseas. He told her he wanted to take a break because of their disagreement over when to have children. He explained how he needed time to think about whether he could wait as much time as Camila needed to ride the wave of her current career success. Although she recognized that the pressure to start a family was a risk that could come from dating a significantly older man, it didn’t occur to her the topic would be pressed as soon as it was. This “break” seemed more like an ultimatum, so she decided on a whim that if her relationship was going to burn to ashes, then so too would the evidence of all the emotions past loves have made her feel.

Camila flipped her phone back over with every intention of going straight to the flashlight, but she felt a tug in her gut that told her to send a response to Lauren’s text first.

“The address here (Miami) is fine. But if I don’t have a +1 anymore, am I still invited?”

She felt stupid the moment she hit send, as her response was practically begging for questions, yet a part of her truly was curious if being in a relationship made her presence in Lauren’s life less awkward now. Rather than waste time obsessing over receiving a response, Camila tapped on the YouTube app and resorted to searching “how to build a lasting fire.” She had begun taking mental notes from the video she selected when a “ding” indicating a new text message interrupted.

“Here? Are you in Miami RN 2?”

‘Too? Oh no..’ Camila thought to herself as she reread the text to be sure. Lauren spent so much downtime in LA last she checked (not that she was keeping tabs or anything). It didn’t even occur to her they could both be in Miami at the same time.

“Yeah 4 1 wk. U?”

Camila barely had a chance to re-open the video before receiving another text alert.

“I fly back to LA tmrw. Want to grab a drink 2night?”

Camila felt her heart rate increase at the suggestion. Last time they intentionally spent time together she hadn’t been old enough to go out for a drink in the states, not that her celebrity status couldn’t have gotten her around that. What would Lauren think of her now? Sure, she had proven herself in the industry despite the controversy surrounding her exit from a group that had since gone on hiatus, but what would Lauren say to the scene that was laid out before her on the beach? What would she make of Camila aimlessly sitting in the sand beside notebooks filled with her most private thoughts, lyrics, and ideas, one of which was exclusively filled with content related to once loving the woman in question?

“I’m @ the beach.”

It wasn’t a direct invitation for Lauren to join her, but it may as well have been. It certainly wasn’t an outright rejection to meeting up either.

“What part? Is any1 else w/ u? I can meet u there.”

Camila sent a text back with more specific details about her location based on where she had parked, after which Lauren had announced that she would “see her soon & bring some treats.” Camila didn’t waste anymore time preparing the fire, as anxiety about the situation to come gradually crept up on her. The last thing she wanted to admit upon their reunion was how pathetic she was at something as simple as building a campfire, so she was determined to have it going strong before Lauren’s arrival.

It slipped Camila’s mind to conceal the contents of the backpack before it was too late. A noticeable figure was approaching her location quickly, and whether it was Lauren or a stranger out for blood, she wasn’t certain she wouldn’t die either way. To the relief of millions of fans worldwide, it was in fact Lauren who eventually came into full view and not a random sociopath excited to claim their next victim.

“I remember when you used to be afraid of wandering alone in the dark,” Lauren reminisced aloud as she retrieved a bottle of Grey Goose from a bag she had been carrying.

“Who’s to say that isn’t still true? Some emotions overpower fear depending on the circumstances,” Camila countered before gesturing toward the liquor. “Is that standard for celebrating an engagement?”

Lauren took a seat beside Camila in the sand, being sure to keep a safe distance from the fire that was finally burning properly.

“Probably not, but it’s good enough to celebrate being two people who are catching up after going through shit. Besides, Ty and I celebrated the engagement properly right after it happened.”

Lauren took a decent-sized swig directly from the bottle before offering it to Camila. Camila didn’t hesitate to accept, although she stuck to a more manageable sip. She was a lightweight and knew better than to start off with too much, too fast.

“Congrats again, by the way. Marriage is a big step. How’d you know you were ready?”

Camila knew it was a heavy question, but the way they used to be never involved treading lightly.

Lauren took another sip from the bottle and shrugged.

“It’s so rare to find someone who supports you for you, for everything you are, and everything you stand for despite all the noise in the world trying to sell us a false image of what perfect people and perfect love should be. Ty has never tried to change me. He understands nobody ever could.”

Camila pondered Lauren’s response carefully, before settling on a nod followed by a much bigger gulp of the vodka than she intended.

“Matthew wants me to stop taking birth control,” Camila blurted before the more reserved part of her brain could censor the thought from spilling out.

Lauren’s eyes widened noticeably before she tried to play it off by digging a small hole in the sand to store the bottle in temporarily.

“Wow,” is all Lauren managed to reply, taking the time to let it sink in where they both were with their lives now compared to when they had been close.

“Today he asked for us to 'take a break’ because the last time we saw each other we argued about it, and I guess it’s giving him second thoughts about me.”

Camila reached across Lauren to retrieve the liquor bottle and take another gulp, only wincing a little as she underestimated how the amount consumed would burn on the way down.

Lauren had to bite her tongue to the point of almost drawing blood to stop herself from saying something she’d regret. It wasn’t her place to judge someone’s relationship. She hated when it happened to her, and happen it did…almost constantly.

Lauren settled on her first question carefully.

“Are you having second thoughts about him?”

“I’m having second thoughts about everyone I’ve loved and everything I’ve felt,” Camila confessed as she gestured toward the now-scattered collection of notebooks almost forgotten against the sand. “I’m always preaching about love to my fans and how much it has inspired my music and who I claim myself to be. But what if I’m a fraud? Do I have it all wrong? If love is what inspires my music, but being in love is also what’s going to force me to take a break from music, then what am I really doing here?”

A single tear escaped from Camila’s left eye and out of instinct Lauren pulled their bodies together into a hug. Camila could feel herself calming down from the embrace, so she laid her head against Lauren’s shoulder and allowed the contact to continue despite their history and how it should make her wary of sharing physical affection.

“Did you write about me?” Lauren whispered against Camila’s head, although she knew from listening to all of her music that she unmistakeably had.

Camila pulled away from Lauren and bent over to retrieve a bright blue spiral with several doodles and scratches along the cover.

“Almost every day until there was no room left to cram anything else in here,” Camila explained while holding up what they would suspect to be the most condemning item proving there had once been more than friendship between the two of them while they were still band mates.

Lauren looked across the fire, toward the ocean, as she motioned for Camila to put the notebook back down beside them.

“I don’t need to read that to know that everything described in it was real, because I lived it, too. I felt it. All of it. I broke both of our hearts, because I thought it was necessary, and that’s one of the most naive things I’ve ever believed, apart from thinking that signing that goddamned contract after The X Factor without proper representation was a solid idea.”

In the midst of painful memories, Camila still managed to crack a smile at the cheap shot Lauren took at the paperwork that guaranteed the beginning of their careers. It had been a disaster, but it launched them all into a level of spotlight they needed in order to land where they were in present day, despite the hardships.

“I don’t blame you anymore. But you know me…when I close a door, I slam it. So that meant finding a way to forgive and forget even if the wound was still fresh at the time I decided to put it behind me. Now here I am out here preparing to burn all these memories I already put energy into mentally blocking.”

“You didn’t successfully conceal everything, Camz. 'I Have Questions’ wasn’t exactly subtle. I had to block so many accounts after you released that song.”

Camila nodded in understanding as she picked the notebook back up and flipped to the approximate page where she knew some of the original IHQ lyrics could be found.

“The version that got released was tame compared to how it all started.”

Lauren accepted the notebook this time and glanced over the page presented carefully.

She slowly read through one of the rough verses:

“How could you turn your back on me

Leave me helpless when I was already weak

I imagined pictures of our future

As I would lie awake in bed

But they blurred out of focus

as you eagerly erased our past”

“Why didn’t that make the final cut?”

“It alludes to romantic feelings, and the final version was spun so I could play it off like the relationship could have been platonic.”

“Kind of how I spun our relationship to seem platonic?”

“Pretty much exactly like that.”

Lauren continued to read the rest of the page, front and back, silently while Camila got lost in thought.

“I should have asked if you had any memories you wanted to bring and burn,” Camila said, breaking the silence casually.

“You’re not really going to burn this one, are you?”

Lauren looked conflicted at the thought of letting it go, although so far she had only read lyrics to the one song.

“I was going to burn the pages from that one first, actually.”

“Why?”

“You’re engaged. Not only is that door slammed shut, but it should be locked, bolted, and probably guarded by a three-headed dog on the other side,” Camila joked, although her tone didn’t convey that she really felt the humor.

“I was thinking though. If things don’t work out with Matthew, you could safely revisit some of your lyrics about heartbreak, and nobody but you and I would ever be any the wiser that someone else inspired them.”

“It almost sounds like you’d prefer if things didn’t work out with Matthew,” Camila accused with a raised eyebrow.

“That’s not true. The only relationship of yours I’ve ever tried to control was ours, and seeing how poorly I handled that one, I’d never try to interfere with others.”

“To be honest with you, one of the notebooks I brought here does have stuff inspired by him, and I was planning to burn it tonight, too.”

“Well then, the only proper way to handle a break up is with a ton of dessert!” Lauren remarked enthusiastically as she pulled s'mores ingredients out of the bag the Grey Goose had been in earlier.

“If I did get pregnant I could eat as many s'mores as I wanted and nobody would even bat an eyelash,” Camila pondered as she grabbed one of the marshmallow roasting sticks.

Lauren rolled her eyes as she pulled open the box of graham crackers and tore the plastic holding one set of the crackers apart.

“That doesn’t sound like break up talk to me. But leave it to you to consider food as the primary pro of being knocked up.”

“Ugh, I hate when people refer to pregnancy that way. It makes it sound like…scandalous? Or something. We’re adults. The process of growing and birthing a new life is beautiful. We should refer to it in a way that respects women who are becoming mothers.”

“Maybe we should have drank more. You are still way too articulate right now.”

“You used to be able to handle spending time with me sober,” Camila reminded Lauren as she crushed her first marshmallow and chocolate between two graham crackers in delight.

“I also remember that I had many other, effective ways of shutting you up, all of which are off limits now,” Lauren added with a smirk as she completed her own s'more and prepared to take her first bite.

“Watch it, Jauregui. That was suspiciously close to flirting.”

Camila moaned in satisfaction as she finished the last few bites of her s'more, before reaching for another marshmallow.

“Watch it, Cabello. Sounds like that are suspiciously close to teasing.”

Camila took her marshmallow stick away from the fire to jab it toward Lauren’s neck threateningly before returning it to the best part of the fire to get the desired marshmallow texture.

“That could have burned me, you know? And I bet the mark would look pretty similar to a hickey.”

“I guess we’d have to hook up then to not waste the accusations of cheating on false evidence.”

Lauren nearly choked on the piece of chocolate she had begun nibbling on as she waited for her next marshmallow to be melted.

“Camz, you can’t say shit like that. Fuck.”

Lauren unexpectedly picked up the Grey Goose bottle and took two big gulps, clearly seeking to become more intoxicated.

“You’re right. That crossed a line. Ty would definitely take me off the wedding invitation list if he knew I never got over you. If he even knew there was something to get over.”

“He knows. We asked each other about our longest, previous relationship and what we would have done differently to make it last. I started to talk about Lucy at first, but then I realized depending on where you start our time line, we were in love much longer. Just because we hesitated to define the relationship doesn’t mean it shouldn’t have counted.”

“I’m surprised you’re not more freaked out by me still having feelings for you. I’m also curious what your answer was.”

Lauren and Camila laid out beside each other on Camila’s blanket after each having consumed three s'mores, washed down with more vodka. They both felt lighter from the effects of the alcohol, and although it was cooling down quite a bit, they welcomed the breeze as they looked up at the stars.

“Neither of us received closure the way I ended it, Camz. That’s why our feelings aren’t resolved. Just because we’ve moved on and love other people now, too, doesn’t mean that we bumped our heads and forgot what it felt like to be in love with each other.”

“Wow, and Ty knows all this?”

Lauren rolled onto her side facing Camila and kept her head propped up with her elbow.

“Yes. What I told him I would have done differently about our relationship is one of two things. Either I would have come clean about it to everyone and tried to salvage it despite the pressure from management to tone it down, or I would have at the very least attempted to find closure once I knew you were leaving the band instead of shutting you out. Ty knows I’m with you tonight and he isn’t worried about it.”

Camila rolled onto her side opposite Lauren, bringing their bodies much closer to one another.

“He should worry,” Camila admitted as her eyes looked back and forth between Lauren’s eyes and Lauren’s lips.

“Why?”

“You know why,” Camila insisted as she leaned in close enough that Lauren could feel her breath on her cheek.

“Yeah, I know,” Lauren agreed softly as she closed the gap between them and let their lips meet for the first time in more than two years. It started out tentative, but Camila pressed back a little rougher to deepen the kiss and sighed soon after when Lauren pulled back slightly to disconnect their lips and look her in the eyes.

“You and Matthew are on a break for sure, right?”

Camila gave a quick nod in confirmation.

“So there’s no reason to feel guilty for what I’m about to do, right?” Lauren pressed one more time.

Camila reached out her hand to Lauren’s face and stroked her right check with her thumb as she pulled her back in closer. Camila proceeded to address Lauren softly.

“Tonight we’re burning memories. Nothing that happens on this beach will be carried into tomorrow unless we both agree. Don’t worry about whether this begins or ends a chapter for us. Just stay in the moment with me and see where it leads.”

Lauren showed no more hesitation as she closed the gap between them once again and they made a silent pact to let their hearts lead.

AN: I wrote my stress away until 4am and this is the product of that decision. After the longest writer’s block of my life I just needed something to come out. Thank you for reading. [I have also published this on Wattpad]. 

[honey-rat]

oh also, update!! apparently my brain is not broken, just my T levels are not right and that’s been causing issues!!! i wrote about it in some more detail under the cut, mostly for my trans followers, because i thought i was aware of everything before i started T but turns out i somehow missed this bit and nobody told me that sth like this might happen so maybe some of u will find this info useful if u or someone u know are abt to start T or started recently and have the same struggle w/ depressive episodes as me:

so! since i noticed that the whole feeling really really down and tired and struggling to function thing i’ve been having in the past few months comes and goes like a clockwork (the first two days after my shot is miserable, it feels like i have the flu and everything hurts, then the next week and a half is brilliant, i’m full of energy an shit, and then comes a couple days of extreme anxiety and then i plummet into half a month of depression) and this pattern lines up exactly with my T shot dates i had a lurking suspicion that it might have something to do with hormones so i discussed the issue w/ my prescribing doc and turns out it actually might be my T levels fluctuating too much that causes it and messes around w/ my depressive episodes, cause apparently it does that for some people. the doc was lovely, she offered to write me a notice if i need it to get an extension for my hand-in deadline so i might actually be able to catch up with uni stuff, we’ll see. 

atm i’m on Sustanon 250 mg/ml every 4 weeks and i just got my? i think 4th shot. it’s around this time when they normally do a blood test to monitor your trough and peak levels to see if everything’s within the good range, so we did the test for the trough levels this morning before my shot and i’ll go to do the peak levels next week, then a week later my doc should have the results for both and then she’ll decide wether i’ll stay on Sustanon but on a lower dose every 2 weeks instead of 4 OR i’ll switch to Nebido that’s done every 3 months i think, because it’s slow acting stuff unlike Sustanon and that should hopefully help stabilise my T levels and mood shits too!!!!!! 

she drew me a chart to explain it, and i just found a similar one on the UK FtM tumblr (source)

so yeah, this has been going on, but i couldn’t bring myself to discuss it with anyone until now. rn everything is achy but i’m in a bit better spirits now that i had my shot. i really really r e a l l y hope changing my dosage/form of T works out next month, it would be really lovely to not be a zombie for half of the month... i don’t know how i’ll graduate if this doesn’t help lmao but we’ll sEE! 

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan: 

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right? 

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better 

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes​! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head). 

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids. 

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this! 

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy. 

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read. 

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck” 

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such. 

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

[uquizzing-my-way-through-life]

sobs. u good bro?

to say i'm not okay is an understatement.

i'm absolutely gutted. i've been nauseous throughout the fucking day. my insomnia has been acting up lately. i’m drowning in self-hatred and negativity. my effing head’s throbbing. my anxiety levels have peaked. my energy levels have plummeted. at this point, i don’t think i’ll make it to fucking april. i’ve had 5 panic attacks in the past 3 days. therapy’s been fucking bootless. i feel like slitting my effing wrists rn. also, my extroverted arse needs social interaction. sorry for the rant. i’m damned. thanks for checking on me though.

[aelise27]

His anxiety levels gotta be peaking rn

[boisei]

im counting down the days i have until school starts and the stress will start peakiN 

[idiotfromindiana]

in school there was a kid named eric who was unassuming and pudgy in middle school and got teased for it. i think it was between 7th and 8th grade that he got skinny over a summer, and basically wanted to be kenny chesney. learned to play guitar, got contacts and a tan and ripped, wore puka shells and stetsons and cowboy boots and t-shirts with the sleeves cut off. in high school i think eventually there was a tribal armband tattoo because why not. dude was a walking trope. it was such a weird evolution because i always felt bad for him for getting teased, which spurred a varsity level spite that improved his self image but also made him so unbearable. he fucking owned it though. i can’t say i ever liked him but i admired the fuck out of that dedication.

this happened to be at the tail end of when i was keeping up with country music. i think i had whittled it down to trace adkins, brad paisley, big & rich, the perennial george strait, and whatever other hit was actually catchy. but make one genre rotation to the left into folk/bluegrass, where i was and remain an alison krauss fangirl, and you have the perfect storm.

so i remember killing time before first period (why tf can i remember that teacher’s first name rn but not her last), and eric had a guitar because that’s what those guys do, and he knew whiskey lullaby which for the uninitiated is a brad paisley/alison krauss vehicle. and i’m the kind of person that practices harmonies alone with my headphones, so i knew how to sing it too. so he played it and we sang this duet together. i don’t really remember how it actually started, or what the class reception was but i think it was “wow what a shockingly fucking sad song” and “that was a weird way to start ap chemistry but kind of nice also, didn’t know they had it in em.”

i can’t express my amazement now that this happened then, at peak awkward, without me feeling forced or nervous or judged. it actually felt really good.

last i heard eric had closed the loop and become a real drug trash garbage person. i mean like i’m on tumblr so it’s not as if i’m much better off. but that one intersection of our weird dumb lives is one of my favorite memories. with all my anxiety and his ostracization and the combined power of our desperate lack of self-esteem, we helped each other look a little impressive for four minutes that i still think about a decade later.

[riskeith]

i couldn’t stop smiling reading your last message i’m literally so happy atm. you’re so cute and i’m SO happy. i reread it three times and giggled so loud my brother asked why i was laughing... 🥺 he’s in the next freaking room 🥺

sappiness aside: YES!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE? i wish i could give my luck to you as you deserve it much more ): it’s true but it’s still important if you wanna do well in combat sadly haha dhdydbjdnd like you said it’s very inconvenient to have a unbalanced team but i decided that i’m just gonna switch around with the characters i have when it’s needed yk? they’re all mostly around the same levels so it works fine rn.. or it will until i have to focus on who i want to focus on ascending when i get to higher levels bc payments and materials and all.. sigh there’s so much to think about with too many cute characters... anyway how many rolls have you done since you started playing? do you remember?

OH???? is it easier on pc? i’ve always enjoyed smaller consoles tbh (like switch or even phone) bc it’s easier to focus so it wasn’t that difficult for me. but like you said it might just be a ‘getting used to it’ thing. also now that you’ve seen both; which differences are there in the game? are you gonna have two different accs?

i did restart it from the first ep!!! i figured i might as well get the ~full~ experience. it’s been a while too so it’s like a new experience but not rly? it’s like traveling back to your home country and you’re like wow... i belong here even if i’m not here all the time dhsjsjdhfh bad example but you know what i mean?i’ll keep you updated! rn i’m at training camp part of s1 and it’s great!!! just having a blast tbh. needed this especially now that school is back... :(

i guess we are talking about voltron in 20fucking21. i don’t know if i love that for us or not.... (our honeymoon can be whenever you want babe pick a date and i’m There 😏)

pls unrequited love is soo good. it hurts but it’s good too? haha, maybe if one has experiences with it it just hits different yk? but i’m with you—watching voltron i always always had the headcanon that keith first started to feel smth for lance in the ‘we did it’ scene and actually thought ‘i’m in love’ during the black lion scene. like the proof is all there... s8 and the sunset scene just proves his longlasting feelings nobody can tell me otherwise. keith is the type to cherish the people he loves a lot because he barely has anyone and that means putting their happiness above anything else and lance’s happiness was allura for a while and he just... accepted that despite yearning . god . i always think about is bittersweet smile while having his speech. it’s like; i know that you’re great and you should know that you’re great too and if she can’t see it she doesn’t deserve you.

you freaking out over the leave the math to pidge scene... losing my fucking mind. girl they’re literally in love fuckinf crying 😭😭😭😭😭 they depend on each other SO much like the show runners always push the ‘hunk and lance bffs’ agenda ok sure but in the show hunk was never there for lance the same way keith was. they just eased each other’s anxieties without having any expectations on each other at all? yet they surpassed all of them. the other was just.. there. always. remember the ‘we all miss shiro’ scene too???? the entire team looked at lance and wanted him to step up!!!!!! like HELLO??????? and the second lance spoke keith just calmed down... kill me now. if that doesn’t show much trust and appriciation and respect there was between them idk what does. and the fact that the others know that despite their differences they still need each other just..... yeah. *cries*

YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD. i get you tho klance is just... comfort ship but the ship that leaves you depressed too. i’m sure you could still write them perfectly but i’m absolutely in no way pressuring you at all you truly don’t have to if you can’t. i know how hard it can be to write when the motivation is just not there... :/ anyway idk what i’d prompt i just love your fics babe hsjdhdjdjdk. that’s so boring of me to say help but everything you write i love so.. surprise me? i can’t believe you have a final klance fic tho that sounds so sad.... ): i’m curious what it’s about but maybe it’s better to keep it hush hush.. hm?

i hope you’ve slept well!! you make me so happy!! kisses! xxxxxx

FHSJFKDS that makes /me/ so happy to hear!!! i was sitting on my bed smiling like a FOOL reading this ahahahaha. and soz to your brother but what can i say 🤪🤪

nooooo im so glad you got a 5 star already pls it’s fine im just gonna use all my primogems on xiao banner and it’ll end up okay fhskjdfds. yeah just switching charas in when needed totally works too! it’s just annoying when you accidentally get caught up in combat and it’s just ‘oop im level 1 against level 50′ AHAH. (tho i guess you won’t run into that issue yet?) honestly yeah there’s so much to do with the characters like ascending, constellations, talents, weapons, it’s just like.. what do i do first.... and who..... afhdskjfhsjf sometimes i just want to use character bc pretty and that should be enough 😔

hmmmm for the character event banner I believe i’m at 60 or 70 rn? so i’m reaaaally close to pity which is why when xiao comes 🙏🙏🙏 and for the standard banner i have no idea, maybe 40? so yeahhhh LOL... i keep saying this (and i better not be jinxing it BUT) im hoping it’ll all pay off...... i hope it’s all been building up for xiao... c6 xiao.. come home FHDKSJHDS

i definitely prefer it on PC! controls aside i just like the bigger screen tbh (my laptop is 15″). mostly the differences are the controls/buttons! since you can’t hold down multiple buttons at once on mobile, they’ve got more to cover all the functions (pc doesn’t have an extra dash button, we just right click or press shift; if we’re in the air i think one of the buttons turns into the drop down/plunge, rather than showing like 3 on mobile? i can’t remember precisely but yeahhh; there’s also the joystick on the left side of the screen on mobile that obviously isn’t there on pc bc we have the keyboard. it’s also harder to move the camera around whilst doing things on mobile i feel?) 

and nah i don’t think i’ll make another acc, esp since i’ve gotten so far into game already but i did definitely think about it as a possibility ahahah (bc of my bad luck... i was wondering if i did a reroll (second) acc i might be able to get diluc FJKHSKDFS)

omg it feels like coming home what a good description 😩😩 haikyuu is just such a fun warm experience! legit so comforting and light-hearted but also get deep when it needs to be. oh yes training camp <33 gosh they were so young then :’) HAHAAH. and noooooo school has started up for you again? rip i wish you the best of luck 😔💪

maybe 2k21 is the year of revisiting old things...... god voltron ended in 2018 can you BELIEVE that (😏😏😏 i was gonna mention playing genshin co-op together (even back when you first started) HAAHAH but i assume you play in europe server? im asia rip 😥)

WE DID IT WE ARE A GOOD TEAM!! THE FUCKING PURPLE AROUND THEM!!!! THE SMILEEEE OH MY GOD THE BONDING MOMENT THE. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk every time you mentioned a single line or scene im just. all the memories come flooding back fhdsfkhsdjf. hang on a second.. they are red and blue.... the scene was purple... surely i knew this back then but im thinking about it now and?????/ oh my god

the sunset scene!!!!!!!!!! that is Peak pining keith unrequited love and pain scene... my goodness. “that means putting their happiness above anything else” NOOOOOOOOOOO you are so right tho 😭😭😭😭😭 please keith deserves the univerise <333 :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( the fact that lance seeked him out for that too.. just like old times.. “you can sure be a hard guy to find when you wanna be huh” the way i still remember that ugh they really were my everything 😔

YES!! like they pushed the whole lance+hunk+pidge thing but then in the actual show had hunk+pidge treat lance like shit and belittle him so often?? like ?????????? (once again where fanon saves us 😩) and oh my god yeah.. when everyone turned to him and lance like walked up to keith and then said all that.. we actually had so many moments?? god. *cries with you*

speaking of shiro.. s06e05 the black paladins!!! “shiro.. please.. you’re my brother.. i love you..” “just let go, keith” 😭😭 keith suffered so much AND FOR WHAT my god i miss him so much oh no

FSHFKJDS “surprise me” the only reason im asking is bc i have no ideas!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i shall think.. (and if you want to think and help me out too.. 👐) & i’ve actually posted about that final fic a lot! LMAO that’s how you know i know i’m never gonna finish fdskhfksjd but in case you do wanna see, here are some links: one, two, three

thank you!! i stayed up to 4am like an idiot LOL but i swear today.... and same 😭 im so so happy to have met you 🥰❣ muah! xoxoxox

[toycarousel]

(2018 anon) mom forced me to go to the hospital, said I was crisis. said I have strong anxiety issues. Said to stay away from media. I said don't worry I won't be able to afford it soon anyway. So after a few days of nothing and "calming down", they finally let me watch tv today and use my phone and oh look, bullshit. Another reason to not make it to the new year. What do they want me to do? Not worry about my happiness being pulled away? I tried waiting and it did nothing. now what.

I’m really, really, really glad you followed up with me, Anon... I’ve been praying that you’re still with us... as long as you’re alive, there’s a chance at having a good life.

Wrt hospitalization, I completely understand how uncomfortable and terrifying it often is... I was hospitalized against my will when I was 16 (my therapist at the time actually tricked me into it, too, which is malpractice).  If it’s voluntary, it can sometimes be extremely helpful.  Even when it’s not voluntary, it can help (in terms of making connections and getting the resources that are actually helpful -- not just being forced to “calm down,” because I agree with you fully; that’s total bullshit).  And when it comes to waiting, well.  It’s a long-term wait (not, like, a decade-long -- but it could take a few months).  In the meantime, I don’t want you to just have to suffer without anything else to help you through!

I myself don’t have all the answers, and I’m definitely not a psychiatrist or other medical professional, but I’m always going to reply to you if I receive your message, and talk to you, whenever you want it -- and I will always do my best to suggest various things.  However, sometimes psychiatric skills (a lot of stuff I learned from DBT) don’t help unless you really want them to... it’s kinda like you have to make this stuff work for yourself.  And, in response to that, I have also said to my psychologists (since I don’t always know whether I even want the skills they suggest to work for me or not either) that the trick is finding something -- anything -- that currently makes life meaningful enough to really make these techniques useful, without having to just... pretend they’re working for the sake of it.

Now, it doesn’t mean just being positive about everything, or, like, pretending that the horrible things that have happened to you (and are currently happening to you) didn’t happen, or that they’re not worth being distressed about.  You never have to pretend that your emotions aren’t what they are rn.  You have every right to be angry, and scared, and exhausted, and any of the other emotions (and thoughts) you’re having at this time.  

Your thoughts and feelings are completely fair, Anon, and I know that you’re currently being forced to go through awful things that aren’t within your control.  The horrible political changes in the U.S, the hospitalization, the gender-related cruelties, the feeling of dehumanization, and of being brushed off...

These are all things I understand... I can never know another person’s pain in the exact way that they experience it, since we all experience pain differently, but I promise, when I offer techniques or suggestions, it’s because I want to help brainstorm with you, not because I want you to suddenly be like “yay, I’m all better, everything’s perfect, thanks.”  

I want to keep trying alongside you, because your life is worth more than you’re being told by the government, and by the people around you who’ve mistreated you.  I want to find something (hopefully multiple things, when practiced simultaneously) that help you feel even slightly better -- or that are at least useful in some sort of way! 

But I wanted to be clear that I do respect the fact that you’re suffering right now, and that it feels as though suicide is the only way out (it’s never the only option, but I know that, when things are as incredibly hurtful as they are, it can certainly look that way, and I don’t think you should just be told to “calm down and accept” all this other horrible shit).

So let’s get more into things, and do some more troubleshooting! I don’t know what else the hospital is doing for you (if they’re offering any sort of useful therapy at all), but I’ve got some things I can offer.  

In going through dialectic behavioural therapy, I’ve been taught some things that can help when your distress level is so high that suicide/self-harm seems like the only way to fix it.  When you are in that place where you’re being completely driven by painful emotions, a good way to bring the distress level down from about 100/100 to, like, a 70/100, is to change your body chemistry.  I know this tip sounds ridiculous, but it’s basically filling a bowl with ice water, and sticking your face in it for a maximum of 30 seconds (if you can hold your breath that long -- if not, just do it for as long as you’re able), then coming back up.

What this tip does is it literally tricks the body into thinking you’ve suddenly dove into icy water.  It thinks you’re in danger of freezing to death, so your parasympathetic nervous system is engaged (to warm, and protect your major organs), and norepinephrine -- a slightly calming “feel-good” hormone -- is released into your brain as a side-effect of that engagement.  It’s not going to make you feel high or anything, but it forces your brain chemistry to change into something that will help in the moment with intense dismay and panic.  (If you don’t have access to a bowl of ice water that you can stick your face into, using a cold pack, or even a cloth soaked in icy water can work instead -- as long as you kind of bend your face forward as though you’re diving into the source of the cold, that physical response will engage).

Now, that’s just one single tip.  It’s by no means a long-term solution to anything, and if you don’t want to bother with it, I understand.  It might be something that’s good to try a few times, but hey, if it doesn’t work for you after practicing it for a little while, then don’t worry, there are more options, and I’ll keep messaging you any time you want to follow-up (I mean, this tip is definitely not going to fix the government, unfortunately, so I get that).  It’s just for those times that are even worse than usual, when you’re certain you’re going to do something to harm yourself -- when your unhappiness peaks, and everything feels like it’s all crashing down on you...

Longer-term techniques are good to work on when your distress level isn’t at its very worst (like, maybe after using a cold-pack, when the distress level goes down slightly).  I know you’re probably feeling awful most of the time, so remember that you don’t have to feel massively better in order to do the following, and you don’t have to put on a mask for anyone.  You don’t have to look on the bright side if you don’t feel like it!

So, to start building a life worth living, even in the midst of all this horror you’re having to deal with, it’s good to start small.  As I mentioned previously, getting involved in something that matters to you -- something that you think could actually make a difference to political policies, for example, or help improve life for LGBT+ people, is a good place to start.  It’s good to get extremely specific to the things that affect you, and the things, and people, that you, at your very core, value.

Since your phone and internet are subject to being taken away from you at certain times rn, I’d look up as much as I can on the subject of online activist or LGBT+ support groups (or in-person ones, if you feel like that’s an option), as possible, during those moments when you do have access to your phone.  You could also ask the hospital if they have any pamphlets on LGBT+ support groups, support groups for suicidal people, or even political/social protest groups.  

Because sometimes it’s better to talk to other people who are going through the same sorts of things that you are, as opposed to only talking to “professionals,” you know? Meeting other people who are angry about being dehumanized, about being marginalized, about being tormented by a disgusting excuse for a president -- may feel kinda good, because when you’re around people like that, you can be angry.  You can be hurt, and in immense pain.  You can openly talk, and scream, and be honest, and true to your emotions around people who feel similarly, who are suffering under the same shitty political policies, and who want to support you, and each other.

Now, again, I’m not saying you gotta be an activist, or do anything you don’t want to do, and/or don’t have the emotional energy to do.  There’s nothing wrong with that, if it’s the case.  I’d totally just start by talking to American LGBT+ pro groups, either online or offline -- whichever is more accessible, or less unappealing.  Because then you can swap ideas with other LGBT+ Americans who are getting screwed over... and some of them may know of some things that are changing for the better (or that indicate that these policies are likely not gonna last long, along with trump as president), and you can talk to other LGBT+ ppl who are hurting...

If activism or support groups (online or offline) sound terrible or ineffective to you, then there are still different options.  What else do you care about in your life? Like, do you like animals? Do you like drawing? Are there any shows that were able to make you smile once? Focusing on these tiny things can buy you time in the moment -- and, over time, they can actually start to change life, in a more permanent way.

I’ve got a similar emotional state going on (mine’s for reasons besides trump and his nasty fallout, luckily, but I’ve been suicidal for p much my whole life due to, well, a lot of things I don’t tend to talk about).  So my psychologist basically asked me what I just asked you: Is there something/someone you care about, even if it’s just a little bit? 

For me, it’s that I care about animals, so now I’m volunteering at the animal shelter, whenever I’m able to.  Those animals need me... and even though my BPD isn’t going anywhere, and my PTSD isn’t going to heal just from volunteering somewhere, and aaaaaaall those years I lost to abuse, and trauma... sometimes it’s just-barely enough to know that my cats need me, the older bunnies at the shelter need me.  My boyfriend, my mom, my sister -- they all need me, so I try to do favours for them, and help them, and even though I’m absolutely falling apart, and screaming, and grieving inside myself at all times, those things/people that I still care about have helped me remember that I’m still alive, and therefore, there is still hope.

Now, as I said, I know I can’t understand your individual pain, and your exact circumstances.  But I know that it must be massive, intense, scary, and utterly agonizing for you to have to cope with things like this, things that are so out of control at this time.  Starting small is a way to take back some of that control, and to spit right in the eye of trump and every other bigot out there.  But more importantly, it’s a start on the road to a good life for you.  The life you still, and always will, deserve.

I’ve got a huge amount of skills from DBT that I can give to you (and publish in general).  DBT is often used for people with BPD, but it’s also used for people who have trauma, and/or are currently undergoing a trauma.  So I’m certain that some of these tactics are relevant, and can help... it may take time, but it’s going to be worth it, because you are.  I know I’m a broken record when it comes to saying that, but I truly mean it.  

I know we’re basically perfect strangers, and that there are other people who know you better, and who care about you too, but I also don’t want to lose you to a bunch of bigots... I don’t want you to lose your life.

This always stands: You can talk to me about anything.  You can be as angry as you need to be.  You can be as sorrowful as you need to be.  You can be anything you need -- when talking to me, and on my blog in general.  If you’d like more tips and short-term + long-term skills from my DBT manuals, and from my experiences, just say the word, and I’ll dig more up (there are, like, almost a hundred in DBT alone!)

Feel free to follow-up if you want/need to, and are comfortable doing so.  I really, really appreciate hearing from you!!!