#but anyway thats how it went today!
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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Thus Always To Tyrants by the Oh Hellos
#Today on animations that even I am shocked i made in a day with my finger#But anyways I’m glad with how this turned out I was listening to a solarpunk playlist and i immediately thought of dazai when the first lin#Was “let me die let me drown”#And it just got more and more soukoku coded as we went#I really popped off with this time to scramble back into a hobbit hole and post only the scribbliest of sketches for the next few months#bungou stray dogs#bsd#bungou gay dogs#chuuya nakahara#dazai osamu#soukoku#bsd fanart#bungou stray sogs#skk#dazai x chuuya#After making this i realized that dazai probably got into bed wet which is insanity but whoops i guess thats just his rat bastard behavior
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#text#polls#im rly curious abt this#i havent painted in foreverrr :{ i took an oil painting class that i loved but working with paint that never dries was difficult#but also helpful to be able to wipe it off even like a week after i fucked up lol#i liked it tho !! i wish id gotten to spend more time on my final bc it was so fun but i wasnt quite done#literally went in with a paint pen like last month to touch up some stuff#might go try and finish it fully but idkkkk. i dont have oil paints so id have to do it in acrylic and idk how easy itd be#ANYWAy#ive never worked with ink before and i only have worked with oil paint in that class#but the other three ive used a lot and when it comes to on Paper and not canvas#acrylic dries fast which is difficult for me#and watercolor dries slow bc. thats water. and it doesnt always go where i want it to#so usually i prefer gouache bc its a little thicker but not too thick and it dries quick but not too quick. a happy medium#just like goldilocks#on canvas tho i usually prefer acrylic#i think bc i get scared to use up my gouache paints on a bigger canvas#^saying all this and i havent painted in months. </3#im not even particularly good at it i just like it. makes me happy#waugh. its nice out today maybe i'll go out and paint :} it miught rain tho#so who knows
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...
#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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lawyers hate losing cases bc it fucks up their k/d ratio
#also bc like thats a persons life#anyways guess how my hearing today went#the answer is Not Great#dont like letting my clients down#dont like that judge in particular tbh#another one of those op is an actual licensed attorney posts#mumbles#lawblr
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i think im really sad that im feeling bitter abt this bc like. despite the fact that ppl are saying oh yeah its purgatory its never fair. i have a bad taste in my mouth that for once it feels like its not bc of player action its partially to do with weird ruling by the admins on the event (re: the essentially. disregarding of the event points on elimination which i still kinda dont get why they couldnt just retally the points since they had the numbers?)
#tsu talks#qsmp crit#qsmp discourse#i mean yeah i was rooting for sneeg but also. i hate that he's blaming himself that if he hadnt spoken up theyd have lost anyway. bc it#wasnt his fault?#and not trying to hate on the admins at all or anything. but despite saying the wrng names#recalculating the scores and just Saying what the score makeup was wouldve solved everything without making streamers need to stream beyond#what they expected on a day that shouldve been primarily abt the egg wars event?#anwyyas shutting up now. this isnt meant to be a super neg or something post this is mostly just me reflecting on the way i feel abt today#and the way today went and the way the event went today. i still had a good time so far#and like i said. i feel sad that i feel this way bc i dont WANT to feel this way. btu like. what can i do abt that yknow. thats just how im#feeling. i really wanna enjoy the event but honestly now that sneegs out he was rly the only purg2 pov i was watching lmao. id watch#etoiles but i cant read translations while im listening at work </3
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oh my god re: your recent post... the 'girl dinner' shit. omfg. idc if it's 'not that deep' you're still reinforcing terrible shit!!! and also the like 'boys when they see a stick/cool rock' and 'girls when they time travel vs boys when they time travel' wojaks. the gender-fication of barbie vs. oppenheimer. why the fuck is the recent internet zeitgeist hyper stereotypical cisnormativity. like. i thought we had collectively outgrown this.
exactly. And that’s all just some parts of it too. People pretend they’re so on top of things but it’s just because they don’t want to seem out of touch and offensive. It’s wild watching people barf out gender binaries with new terms and new ways to categorize trans people as not their gender and new ways to reinforce the same gender roles on ourselves but in “good” ways now. It’s just….really frustrating and pretty terrifying at the same time
#asked and answered#anon#I don’t know bad example but like.#feminism when I was growing up was gender equality#getting rid of gender roles and stopping gender based discrimination#and it feels like at some point we lost that track#and went straight from that to Girls Rule Boys Drool arguments wrapped in new language and memes#like. when i was a kid#i remember people saying shit about how its okay if a woman asks for a date first or if a woman proposes instead of a man#and yes those arent the most progressive things in the world and those actions are not the most important thing women need to be allowed to#do. but…thats kind of my point. those arent groundbreaking actions.#and if you tried to spoonfeed a BASIC idea about destroying gender roles like that to the online community today#youd get slammed with people saying no woman should ever stoop to beg a man#or that a guy should always propose because dating a woman is a privilege so men should earn it#or how ‘maybe its just me personally but i could never propose to a man like ew thats cringe my man better have enough balls to do it!’#or ‘me personally i could never let my girl propose id feel like i failed her as a man if she had to do that’#or just. on and on and on and on and on#like. we somehow circled all the way back to the ORIGINAL gender roles we were supposed to have broken by now#and its getting worse snd the social media companies are fueling it#have you SEEN instagram and tik tok comment sections lately???#people are just. insanely obsessed over gender and enforcing how they see each group and constantly posting about it online#go outside smell some fucking flowers and recognize your internal biases#like maybe breaking gender roles like thst iis uncomfortable not because you hate men#but because you have gender roles engrained in your BEING from the moment you could walk and you just wrapped them up with a new progressive#bow while not making any changes#anyways.#rant over
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working in an art gallery and talking to a lot of full time artists has given me CRAZY imposter syndrome btw lmao
#i went to a local gallery today (not the one i work in)#and i was looking at this one artists work#and she used a lot of patterns but didnt go up to her#she came up to me as i was looking at her work like ' hi i see youre looking at my work which one do u like most' like okay#i had my headphones on at the time so it did scare me#anyway im really stuck thinking about her work#like shes got this lovely cluttered and messy and chaotic style with still life in one dimension#and she uses pattern and quilt-like grids and so much colour#and the chaos of her work is by far the best part#how nothing stays in their boxes andeverythings falling#its homely and DRAMATIC. which is a mix that doesnt always go together but is held together by the chaos of her work#AND THEN SHE PUTS COLLAGE QUOTES ON IT 'fly high in the sky like a butterfly'#AUUUGGGHHH it pisses me off so much. REALLY? THATS THE BEST QUOTE? no song lyrics no deepp meaning nothing to express the narrative? bitch#love her style but its KITCH shes KITCH her quotes are KITCH her subjects are KITCH <- lives in kitch central of the uk but WHATEVER#by the way im not exagerrating with fly high like a butterfly she really thought that was the quote to describe this chaotic scene like she#eight years old like what the hell. there ere others too the pissed me off#and then i talked to her and she was like. WEIRDLY insistant tht even though she used stencils and that her dughter and husbnd drew anythin#mildly complicated that she had still done a lot of work I HADNT SAID ANYTHING#but she was just BRUSHING OVER whenever i mentioned her patterns and stencils like she was ASHAMED#like what the hell im all for having fun with what you draw but youre three times my age and i can draw a bird better than our adult daught#also i spoke to her turns out she knows my stepdad so that was an odd link but whatever#anyway artists that give me imostersyndrome are my boss who does realism in WATERCOLOUR#oh the woman in the gallery also gave me a printed card whcih was cool since i was going to buy one just to be mad at
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🐇☀️☁️🍦
#im glad i went today to hang out with my friend c:#it was nice to just hang out with another person and talk and stuff#i also just like how considerate she is#and she's accepting and chill. i can like tell her that oh im sorry if im low energy now im just overheated bc of the weather and im feeling#sad. and she'll be like dont worry thats ok! and it also is ok she doesnt get annoyed or anything#plus she doesnt look at me weird when there's awkward pauses and i cant express myself properly lol#i overanalyze too much i know :c but anyway it is always nice talking w her so it was nice today#we walked to a sushi place and then to the library#i only stayed for like 30min at the library even if i wanted to stay longer#i realized that it's bc like she had sushi which gives her energy#but i cant afford to buy things out lol so i never eat and refresh my energy#so after 3hrs i got so low energy and just wanted to go home#i should try to find smth easy and cheap i can bring to snack on so i can stay longer!! T-T ugh.. next time!!#we also met a dog! :o she was just standing alone outside a house and stared at the gate#and we came by she walked up to us and looked at me and was like 'get me inside :)'#so my friend went around the house and the owner came and was like omgggg she ran away again!!!#im glad it was so easy to help the dog bc i could not have left her alone by a street w cars and stuff#but she was so sweet and cute and let me pet her 💗#hmm yeah! then i walked home in the heat that killed me... and now im sitting in front of the fan ^-^#im not cut out for summer!!! anywaysss it was just a nice time#i wish i could've stayed longer. i'll make sure to bring a cheap snack next time so i can hang out more
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oh to take a little nap in a giants pocket
#todays doctors visit went not good#im very bad at like. asserting Hey I Have An Issue so they usually dont take me seriously#dude told me to buy $90 suppliments and sent me off#like bro….. theres Sharp Rocks inside me…#i didnt even realize how whack it was until i told my mom/bff/bf and they all went Hey. Thats Fucked?#anyways. ill get it sorted or find a new doctor#The Horrors but we persist etc.
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man the adhd goin crazy 2nite bois
#disability#actually disabled#adhd brain#adhd#actually neurodivergent#actually adhd#my brain is like 5 different places at once#no im texting my sibling and like#i realized im jumping from topic to topic and wasn't even aware of it but i changed the subject every time#went from talking about something that happened today to POTS then to a concussion i got once then the first concussion i got#also with every concussion u increase your odds of getting dementia later in life so thats scary anyway#then i think i ended up talking about twdg. and then something about how we call popsicles popsicles bc of the brand name#and then when i realized i was doing that i thought about my concussion again because i do believe it either caused or more likely worsened#my adhd. there's research on it and shit. like it's a real thing which is super interesting#also the many topics i was jumping between are like half of what my brain is jumping between too fast to type
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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once again
i hate it here
#sophie’s idle chatter#I NEED TO STOP DOING THINGS THE LITERAL NIGHT BEFORE MY GOD#in my defense... on saturday i was watching true beauty with my mum and today we were watching singles inferno... its her rare days off....#but anyway the presentation obliterated me. 7 mins of self recorded audio and i had to reduce some bc it went over ;w;;#AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON HOW IMOVIE WOULDNT SAVE IT AS AN AUDIO FILE AND I SPENT A WHOLE ASS HOUR TRYING TO MAKE THE VIDEO FILE AN AUDIO#AND THE FACT IM MAD BC I COULDNT EVEN DO THE GENSHIN EVENT BC I BARELY STARTED FURINAS QUEST BUT I HAD TO DO WORK AND OIUERI#TEARING MY HAIR OUT IM SO OVER THIS BUT ITS DONE I DONT HAVE TO THINK ABT IT ANYMORE#now i just... need to do my ad poster due on the 15th...#but thats a week away— *gets slapped*#anyway bc its nearly 4 am i shall now slep 🫡
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im feeling so antsy i have like nothing that i specifically Have to do like yes i have to work on a fursuit but im missing something for it so i would have to wait either way so its ok to slow down on it (i at least sewed some parts today) and i got enough money for rent and all so i dont need to rush it so idk if its that but i also have a dentist appointment next week which might be the cause of me being so nervous because i Hate it there and i hate how its now gonna ruin my weekend cause im just gonna be thinking about it
#and thats just one thing i will have to come back for the actual stuff like im now only expecting a checkup maybe an xray#then i will have to get more dates and it will make me more nervous#i havent slept much the past 2 days not counting the nap i took today which was just fever dreams anyway#all i wanna do is eat but i was sick and everything i eat is making me feel weird again its a battle#also my gums are hurting which is. timing. but also im nervous about being told by the dentist about how shit my teeth are#i can only hope shes better now... and that the assistant wont lowkey make fun of me again#aand that i wont be too awkward with my misunderstandings#cant play the im a dumb minor card cause im twentyfiveteen#j. but you know. im extremely akward last time i was there she was asking me something and i just went huh? 4 times#never went to oovoo javer situation. i just had no idea what shes asking me#thoughts are being thunk#im not even gonna try to go to bed early today im just gonna stay up until i feel less nauseous cause i just kept waking up#but then my dogs will wake me up at 6am again so yay 3 hours of sleep
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huh.
#eli.txt#idk i think ive been slowly forgiving my sister for how deeply hurt i felt when she moved out bc now I Get It. like I Get It#when she moved out i was. 9. and in my head i thought she had left because of me. because i wasnt the easiest kid in the world and i know-#-she had a hard time dealing with me when we were alone. we're so far apart in age we couldnt connect for most of my life. and in my head#that was the reason she left home. bc of me. bc she was tired of *me.*#i know now thats not true. and i understand now why she had to leave because if she felt the way im feeling then goddamn im glad she got ou#this feeling SUCKS. nd like#yeah this probably has to do with my father's daughter and the fact that she refused to even meet me until our dad died.#it took my dad dying for my sister to even be in the same room as me. that really messed with me as a kid. like it REALLY did.#so when my sister left home i just kinda went. oh okay neither of my sisters want anything to do with me! i will be alone forever! got it!#AND I KNOW NOW THATS NOT TRUE ON EITHER OF THEIR ENDS. I DONT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP W MY DADS DAUGHTER AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL#BUT I DONT HOLD ANYTHING AGAINST HER ANYMORE BC GOD HER MOTHER WAS AWFUL AND I GET WHY SHE DIDNT WANT TO MEET ME BC OF EVERYTHING#BUT LIKE. THAT MESSED ME UP AND I JUST STRAIGHT UP ASSUMED BOTH MY SISTERS HATED ME FOR SO LONG.#AND NOW THAT I ALSO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LEAVE I CAN SEE SO CLEARLY. MY SISTER NEVER HATED ME I WAS NEVER THE REASON SHE LEFT.#I CAN LET GO OF HOW HURT I FELT BECAUSE I ALSO NEED TO LEAVE#god i dont wanna hurt my mom though.#dont think i could leave her completely alone in this apartment. i dont think i can do that.#anyway. hi tumblr did you like todays oversharing episode
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SO TODAY....
(THIS IS ONLY FOR ROSE)
#ok so like we had first 2 classes free ok like literally both the teachers did not come akshsjdh#anyways so like on wednesday 2-3 people in our class were discussing himym and i also joined them because I LOVE HIMYM#(himym is the sitcom how i met your mother)#sp hands guy heard us and was like what show are yall talking about and we told him and he was like okay ill watch#and he is a binge watcher apparently so like when we met today he was like ive watched till ep16 of season1#i was like bro????? how?????#anyways in 2nd free lecture he was like im gonna watch an episode of himym and i was like i wanna watch too#SO he gave me one of his earpods and WE WATCHED THE EPISODE TOGETHER AKSGSJDH#anyways after that hmm okay it was just like normal talking and all#but ya. TALKING.🤭#he is just like me he is also doesnt care about tea or coffee he is a water guy#HE ALSO HAS CAT. AND HE HAS SAME OPINION AND THOUGHTS ABOUT DOGS THAT I HAVE.#and when class was over me and some friends were talking by the shops near our classes ka buliding and hands guy joined later#and then we all group talked timepass for like 30 mins and then we were like its time to go home#so apparently the others all went one direction and me and hands guy were going same direction so we walked#so usually what i do is i walk a bit ahead of my class ka building because i get auto from there#and hands guy lives nearby so he just walks home#so today we were walking and talking and i walked SO much further more than i usually do because we were talking 😄#and thats all. today was nice.#gargi is keysmashing
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