#but bc i dont know them personally i didnt message and ask bc that would be severely rude

[faetreides]

what the fuck is going on with the tumblr hotd fandom

[girlcrushau]

[theygender]

My gf and I have talked about hypothetically opening up our relationship at some point in the future which would make me very happy as a polyamorous person, but I just realized that if that actually happens and I have to go back out on the dating scene I'm gonna have some trouble bc now that I'm more outwardly butch people are gonna expect me to make the first move and I have never made a first move in my entire life

In all of my relationships but two the first move was made by the other person, and I wasn't even the person who made the first move in the other two. In the first one the girl chickened out on her plans to ask me out and then our mutual friend who didn't realize that that had happened outed her by asking me what I said afterwards, and in the second one me and the other person both went to the same friend on the same day to talk about our crushes on each other and then she made us talk about our feelings

I met my current girlfriend on a dating app, and the first time she tried to ask me on a date she wanted to take me to the theater so she asked me if I had seen the new beauty & the beast movie and then instead of realizing that she was asking me on a date I said that I'd already seen it and gave her a negative review of the movie. And then when she asked me on a date again a few weeks later I had to ask to make sure it was a date when I got there 😭

...And that reminds me of another event in high school where a girl I liked took me to the mall and we walked around holding hands the entire time and then afterwards I had to get one of our mutual friends to ask her if it was supposed to be a date bc I was too nervous and also stupid 😭 Another girl that year asked me to skip class with her and told me that if I flashed my pretty smile at the teacher I could probably get away with it and I had to show the text to my friend to ask if she was flirting. I'm gonna die out there on my own 😭

[jvzebel-x]

How do you leave people behind?

this will sound so corny, but i find when i'm at a place where i'm considering cutting someone out of my life, i do a "pros/cons" list specifically about what they offer ME. good memories, bad memories, anything in between-- what does this person (who has somehow managed to make me feel so badly that i might want them out of my life permanently) actually bring to my life? what HAVE they brought to my life thus far, good bad or middle? when you go through your memories in a linear fashion, you'll get answers quickly, even answers to questions you might not fully understand (when did this feeling start? why did this feeling start? ect.ect.). &by the end, it will be very obvious what your answer is; i don't think i've ever gone through this process&not come out on the other end with, not just answers, but the closest thing to closure i actually believe in.

[evelili]

As an immigrant child, your new fic had resonated with me. It made me tear up eating dinner with my family.

When Saffron said, “This selfish desperation to know that I haven’t lost my connection to my home." It instantly took me back to being constantly teased by my friends for not being 'in tuned' with my culture like how they were, or how I desperately tried speaking in my native tongue with my parents, despite having a very clear american accent and them constantly assuring me that speaking in english is fine. My grandmother had passed earlier this year, she was the grandparent that I knew the least. I started asking about her from her sisters as my mother isn't in the state to answer anything, I've tried so hard to pick up the pieces of what her sisters have told me to construct an image of her personality. She used to constantly ask me to call her so when I read about Saffron talking about how video calls have were never the same and never enough, it hit me like a load of bricks.

Your fanfiction is so tremendously beautiful in describing the feelings I have felt all my life. How I know that where I am right now isnt home, but my actual home has been so unfamiliar after my grandmothers passing. I have constantly felt like I have disappointed her, so when Sunset confessed to the same thing, I couldn't hold my emotions in anymore. The ending with Saffron talking about how she would be waiting for Sunset to come home if she was her mother made hope that was true with me and my grandmother, if I were to ever reunite with her again when I pass away myself.

Thank you so much for writing this story. It was the most comfortable yet intense stories I have ever had the blessing to read. I am sorry for rambling and I hope this entire message makes some sort of sense? I hope whatever you're dealing with gets solved to the way you have hoped it would.

You have also made me see dal in a new light, it was never a food that I used to like, but I am willing to give it another shot lol

i looked at this ask earlier and had to take some time to process how to respond to this. i think tho i still dont really know how to, so i hope thats ok!

first of all, thank you so much for being comfortable enough to tell me ur story. it really means a lot that you would open up to me, a stranger, and the fact that you did so bc something i made had an impact on u quite actually moved me to tears. im a bit of a soggy mess rn lol. thank you again, truly.

second, i want to express my empathy for you and your situation with your grandmother. my grandad passed away before i could graduate, and it was during the height of lockdowns, so i hadnt seen him in a while. i didnt go to visit him in the hospital, so theres always this feeling of "what if i had called more? what if i had tried harder to visit? what if i spent more time with him?" that doesnt really go away. and, as a kid of 2 immigrant families, i can also really empathize with feeling a disconnect from your culture--when ur not surrounded by ur parents culture but u also visibly dont look like ur "from" the one u were raised in, it can feel really alienating, even though you havent done anything except just. exist in this sort of inbetween?

all of this i guess is to say that, i put a lot of my own experiences into this fic. and it's almost relieving in a way to know that u saw what i put there, and that this experience is something that other people have felt as well. thank you so very much again for reading ;v;

[obscure-entity]

ok so going back to this post from wayy back in august (rbing it again would be a mess)

i think it'd be important for me to give a reflection on what this was about. i was making a planning-presentation months ago, which i shouldnt be so afraid to show but rereading my writing produces the same guttural yuck and fear that looking at my old art used to. and it led to all of these pieces. click for full view bc some of them are cropped

writing being the one thing im horrified of is ironic for me asking. but i have to ask if anyone's sincerely interested in my personal analysis of these ? i considered video format but if i wuss out of using my voice i might find some other way

and um. as for how i feel about them, i love these to death and can feel my hand aching thinking about every colored-pencil motion but i just dont feel like i attached myself to these in the way i wanted to. EXCEPT the second piece where a lamb is being snatched by the sky itself. although they do live up to their own messages to me

i discovered that, while i wanted to focus a lot on the aspects of feeling inhuman as a personal identity, in the second half it shifted more to perception. every individual is some sort of monster, creature, or animal because they are not "known" or acknowledged by hypothetical human-set standards, thus making them "unknown." this entire mini-portfolio is literally about the "unknown." the "unknown" is something i keep repeating a lot when im trying to grasp at this same concept. if a person cannot read your expression or wants to mischaracterize what you're thinking, you are "unknown." its really basic nature to be afraid of the unknown, but it's another step to invent new reasons to be afraid via an untrained disgust reaction for anything not reasonably comfortable, familiar, safe. and the attempt at creating "familiarity" is through assigning labels to things around you, simply put. which is just a bandaid shutting the teeth of some beast, to me

after all these months i still dont know what part of me this is about by the way. something behavioral. for example im pretty sure i weird people the FUCK out by staying silent or keeping to myself. and it took me years to realize that actually has a reason to scare people

what im saying is. dear marginalized ppl please keep depicting yourselves as weird monsters that scare people and bite. or some other strange thing that accomplishes the task of Just Sitting There.

im so happy this is essentially completed by the way ? i had another piece i never finished (im not sure i want to, colored pencils fucked me over hard) its just that i didnt think the months would pass that fast. writing about it was really nice when i was trying to kind of realize the mindset for my future personal art too. idk if anyone from the old post is still here but thanks again for the resources :)

[employee052]

ozzies long-ass TSP ramble

For context, a few days ago i was in a thinky mood when i watched this video on Valve catwalks. it mentioned death of the author, and while ive heard of it, I didnt understand what it meant until after the video explained it. So i got thinking. the following was a series of messages I sent to my friends on a discord server im in (with the exception of the last part bc i just thought of it now even tho im sick) that i compiled for yall into sections so its easier to read. these are just my thoughts and could be totally wrong, i just wanted to share aksjdh :P (plus this is my second time im posting this so there might be some inconsistencies)

(ramble under the cut so yall dont get a massive wave of text on your dash)

"smth smth death of the author smth smth reviews smth smth interpretations smth smth skip button"

like idk if this was obvious to everyone else n im just finally getting it or not, but the skip button ending being about the narrator seeing the negative reviews causing him to create the button in order to appease them, which said reviews ended up making him believe he was being preachy and obnoxious and unfunny, but as a result, he ends up believing it and trying to appease those interpretations rather than be more confident of his dialogue and what it means to him(whatever he may believe) and ending up dying at the end bc of it being a kind of literal version a death of an author of sorts

---

im just thinking about how timekeeper/settings person/432/whatever is really only interested in the player, but not stanley himself. and if the narrator ends up dying (or decaying at least in my interpretation) during the skip button, could the same be said about stanley as a character as well?

like we never see stanleys model as us, we dont see his feet when we look down, and the only time we see him in game is either as a hand during the bucket escape pod ending, the mariella endings, and the not stanley ending. and the last two are cutscenes. for all we know, stanley could have died at some point during the skip button after the narrator did and we would never know bc we cant see him

but since 432's desk being at the end of the epilogue which happens post skip button ending, i would have said that was the first time we ever see him interact with the game internally rather than asking for the time. but i do remember someone suggesting that the timekeeper was the one who removed the door in the skip button in order to kill the narrator off and get stanley/the player away from him in order to talk more

with that thought in mind, that would mean TK had to kill stanley and the narrator off in order to be able to lead the game, push beyond the barriers of a narrator and character and just talk to the player, one on one

---

it makes me wonder if what the curator said in the museum ending holds more weight

like, she talks to the player as well. both she and TK talk to the player themselves instead of stanley the character. and when she says "When every path you can walk has been created for you long in advance, death becomes meaningless, making life the same. Do you see now? Do you see that Stanley was already dead from the moment he hit start?"

stanley's function is a character in the narrators story, a literary device to propel the game forward. the narrator makes the race track, and stanley drives. without the narrator where would stanley go or do, without stanley who would move the story along?

"Can you see? Can you see how much they need one another? No, perhaps not. Sometimes these things cannot be seen."

and yet, hes dead, just like the curator said. because no matter what, he's never going to be able to truly make his own decisions. the confusion ending lays out how all the endings are scripted despite what the narrator believes and acts, its all predetermined.

and in a sense, the narrators dead too. no matter what stanley tries to do to change the story, or the narrator changes to the game in order for stanley to react to, its been planned long in advance for the eventuality. every word, every event. and with stanley's deaths, it ends up just bringing them back to the beginning again, "What exactly did the Narrator think he was going to accomplish?" if they always come back to the same preplanned paths, to the illusion of free will, it doesnt matter regardless. death doesnt become a statement, it becomes an inconvenience.

"But listen to me, you can still save these two. You can stop the program before they both fail. Push escape, and press quit. There's no other way to beat this game. As long as you move forward, you'll be walking someone else's path. Stop now, and it'll be your only true choice."

The only way to save both Stanley and The Narrator is by not letting the story play out to begin with. To beat the game, which means to let the game end after you win.

and yet,

the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is neve-

In a game where there is no ending that stops the game in its entirety, where everything will keep on happening again and again and the end is never the end, the only way to beat it is to make a choice as yourself the player, not stanley the character.

because he doesnt get a choice, the narrator doesnt get a choice. they think they do, but they dont. the only way to beat the game is to not play it. (which makes sense given that there are achievements involving not playing the game in both the 2013 HD remaster and 2022 Ultra Deluxe)

both Stanley and The Narrator are two sides of the same coin that make up The Stanley Parable, and the only way to use the coin is to give it away.

maybe thats why the true ending of the game with credits and stuff like that, is the Not Stanley Ending.

You the player have successfully broken the fourth wall from the outside in, even though that ending was planned like all the others (ie, the game allowing you to disconect the phone), you break the illusion of being stanley the character, which the game ends up booting you out of stanley as it cant handle the "narrative contradiction".

maybe thats why the escape pod ending has the sign that reads "both the player and the narrator must be present in order to leave". its not stanley, its the player, us.

maybe thats why that ending is one of the most cruel. the only way to get there is to leave the narrator trapped in the boss' office. there's no way to get him to the escape pod. the end is never the end.

---

(this part was the new idea i just had today so this might not make sense i appologize)

going back to the beginning of this ramble about the death of the author and such. perhaps there is a way to get the narrator out.

with thoughts about interpretations and with he idea of the "death of the author", all of us have our own interpretations of the TSP characters. whether its design, or relationship wise, or characterization, or what have you. The Narrator in my head is different from you reading this, and that narrator is different from another persons perspective, and definitely our narrators are different to the one that lives in Davey Wreden's head, or Kevan Brighting, or anyone who has even heard of the stanley parable.

and that's not a bad thing! there can be many similarities to the characters that our interpretations share, some more common than others and some that make no sense at all, but for the most part we all have different interpretations of the characters.

I read a book called Book Simulator (The Reader's guide to not reading) by Chris Yee on stream once. The VOD is gone now. But I discovered the book because I heard the guy writing/the narrator of sorts for the book was written like the Stanley Parable Narrator.

It didnt help that Kevan brighting voiced over the commercial for it too askjdh

but back to the book. this will contain somewhat spoilers for it since it brings up a moment at the end of the book so feel free to stop here if you dont want to be spoiled

---

basically, in Book Simulator, Booksi (The book's instructional narrator on how to fake read at the start of the book) is arguing with The Narrator (no not ours, but the general narrator who speaks in the third person), however, its revealed by The Narrator that Booksi has a plan to take over the world by inhabiting more book simulators and distributing them across the world. But, the reader could kill off the booksi that they have in their hands that they are reading, to quote:

"Or was he the original Booksi? Maybe not. Maybe the original Booksi had been vanquished long ago, and the reader was now facing one of the many copies roaming the world. Both Booksi and the Narrator knew the answer to this question, but neither would reveal the truth."

---

Taking from Book Simulator the concept of multiple iterations of one character existing in different copies of the media they originate from, maybe in a way that's how the Narrator may die in the stanley parable, forever stuck to repeat the same endings with the illusion of free will, but he lives on somewhat for everyone that has seen or heard of him in any capacity.

this may sound a bit preachy (oh the irony) but bare with me:

The Original Narrator from The Stanley Parable is dead, dead in the sense that he and Stanley are stuck within the game, given the illusion of free choice, and unable to leave nor do anything to try and escape, is also alive in the sense that we the players perception of The Narrator lives on in our minds.

The Narrator from the game might be stuck, but the Narrator i see in my head, the one i designed and draw and think of is perfectly fine and alive as ever.

and the same goes with you and anyone else who has heard of the narrator. their interpretation is still unique and different to them even if it all comes from the same media. he may not be exactly the same as the original, but hes still there. and in a way, hes free.

(man typing this last segment down makes me feel like a gd priest, and/or someone talking abt the barbie movie akjdhkjasdh so sorry if doesnt make sense at all :P)

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

Hey so idk if you would know this but where did the term canyon in reference to Izzy fans come from? I feel like I just started seeing it like three days ago but everyone seems to already know what it means

lol so disclaimer that this ask has been in my inbox since september 23rd and alsoooo i might not be the best person to ask bc i am belothed by many who consider themselves part of the izzy canyon (which is their right). so if you asked an izzy fan about this you would probably get a different answer. also from what i can tell the term originated on twitter and i don’t go there.

the tl;dr that i heard secondhand from someone who identifies as izzy canyon is that at some point last year (summer or fall-ish i think) a lot of izzy fans were blocking so many people who didn’t like izzy that a lot of them ended up being unaware of general fandom trends and it became a running joke among them that izzy fans were isolated from the rest of the fandom in an "izzy canyon." and then allegedly the term expanded to just mean "if ur not a dick abt ppl liking izzy u can be in the canyon." THAT BEING SAID there are other ppl who had a very different experience with how "the canyon" originated and what kind of fan space it tends to be.

(slightly longer explanation below)

the thing with The Canyon is that to understand its origin and also why some fans have a problem with it, you gotta know two things:

there are annoying puriteen anti types on the internet who think liking certain characters make you a bad person. from what i can tell theyre mostly on twitter and tiktok. these people are annoying but also in my experience they're usually pretty easy to block and ignore.

the popularity of izzy hands is disproportionate to his narrative role in the show, and the popular fanon interpretation of izzy hands casts him not only as a principal character but as a much more sympathetic, righteous character than he is in canon. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I THINK ANYONE IS A BAD PERSON FOR LIKING IZZY. this DOES mean that i think ppl who think ed is izzy's domestic abuser are wrong. and also this is part of an age old fandom trend of fandom favoring a masc white guy who is often a side character and also often an antagonist.

so from what i can tell. in the early days of the ofmd fandom (spring-summer 2022) there was a lot of #1 going around on twitter, screaming about how if you liked izzy hands then you're a racist abuse apologist or something. at one point a throwaway account tweeted a callout for a popular izzy fan and said "we know they live in this area and work for this company, so these are the locations where they might work. everyone should call these numbers and tell their job to fire them. also we're gonna target these izzy fans next" and like, obviously this account was pretty quickly taken down. but it was a pretty scary thing and left a lot of izzy fans pretty paranoid, hence the blocking everyone who didnt like izzy.

(there was also a "izzy hater group chat" twitter account that was literally just a small group of mostly minors posting memes and also abt izzy that got accused of being connected to that whole mess. but afaict those guys have nothing to do with harassment of izzy fans they just dont like izzy)

so the thing is now that all of that has been used to justify shutting down any type of conversation about #2, or writing off anyone who posts meta about izzy that isnt like, "he works so hard and is so unappreciated despite everything he's done for ed" as an "izzy anti." analyzing izzy critically and posting this in the #izzy hands tag on tumblr is likened to genuine harassment.

oh lol and speaking of harrasment: there was also a problem with ppl on tumblr getting anon hate, and izzy fans will tell you that the anon came from an izzy hater who was targeting izzy fans bc the anon messages use "izzy critical rhetoric." however as someone who has posted "izzy critical" metas or whatever, i have actually gotten the same harassing messages accusing me of being an izzy stan and a racist abuse apologist. that's not what a targeted harassment campaign looks like. that's all been less of a problem ever since tumblr made it so you need to be logged in to an account to send anonymous messages.

anyway my stance on all of this:

i don't hate anyone for liking izzy. i am critical of certain comments/behaviors i often see from ppl who identify as izzy fans, but izzy fans are rarely the only ones who have this problem. from what i've seen tho, a lot of it comes from izzy fans.

before i ever saw even a hint of harassment against izzy fans, i saw izzy fans coming onto my posts and to posts by fans of color trying to argue that these posts were contributing to their harassment. from my perspective, it looked a lot like fans of a white character were trying to shut down conversations abt their favorite guy, especially when those conversations were being had by fans of color. i was very skeptical and oftentimes pretty dismissive abt the existence of this harassment.

since then tho ive done a pretty deep dive into the anon harassment on tumblr, and also looked at takes from different perspectives on the whole thing, and my conclusion is that there is harassment of izzy fans, however it is on the same base-level shittiness that most people experience from just... being on the internet. death threats and insults and slurs are literally just part of being on the internet. and yes, it SUCKS and it's wrong and nobody should have to put up with it, but izzy fans are not victims of specific targeted harassment. theyre victims of being on the internet and having to put up with general internet shittiness. and im sympathetic to that up until ppl start using "ive been harassed for being an izzy fan" as an excuse to be incredibly nasty (check out this tumblr acct for examples of what i mean lol). the ofmd fandom is annoying and parts of it are toxic but like, by no means is this the most toxic fandom to ever exist. we're not at "undertale fan giving out cookies with needles in them at a convention" levels just yet.

finally, tangentially related: i am inherently wary of fandom sub-groups that like, name themselves?? in my experience, the more people make being a Type Of Fan part of their identity the more it tends to lead to problems. this goes for fans who label themselves "antis" or "anti-antis" or whatever the fuck. i've personally been called an "izzy anti," an "izzy hater," and an "izzy critical fan" but like, i dont really call myself that?? it just seems weird to me idk. it gets to be very "us vs them" on default with little nuance and ive never found this kind of thing to be like, productive in fandom spaces. but that's just me.

[hella1975]

would LOVE to know full details to the culture difference bestie when you've got the time because I'm kinda just a sucker for that. also. were we too nice for you tell me more about that

here we gooooo here's a rundown of the top things that were really jarring to me as a brit in america!

kinda dumb that i feel the need to say this but ive been burned before: americans, if you're going to send me shit about this list, please first reread what you've typed and ask yourself 'am i addressing this person as an actual real life adult that not only has experienced both countries she speaks about but also has perfectly functioning social skills that allow her to navigate what is and isn't a culture difference, or am i talking to her like a condescending little prick?' this includes messages like 'americans aren't actually ___, we're just ___ which clearly went over your head as a silly foreigner :)' do u understand how condescending messages like that are as the person who was there? this list is me saying what was strange to me AS A BRIT IN AMERICA. it is a comparison, not an objective statement of something ive decided is a fact about your culture. im not writing this so people can try and like. educate me on all the things i missed because america was just soooo complex. okay? stunning

you guys were SO nice like i think the best way i can contextualise this for an american is that the first time i felt actually comfortable (not that i was uncomfortable otherwise but i mean in a social sense) was when we were in new york city. no one looked at me no one wanted to talk to me people were shouting and being rude to each other it was just like home <3 the way americans are friendly is just so intense and it took me a good while to stop being so bowled over by it. like if you met someone one time they'd try and hug you and i found that very very strange

americans generally talk about their feelings a lot more and i dont even mean just from the people i interacted with bc that very well might have been because i just got on well with them so we were talking honestly, but even on commercials and things you guys talk about mental illnesses and such like it's a grocery shop whereas in england there's still very much a stiff upper lip culture about that kind of thing

you guys do speak louder. like objectively even 'quiet' americans were louder than most brits and would be glared at in public if we were in england just bc of the volume they were speaking at. you also inflect more. again i think this is another thing that boils down to americans being very bright and intense while the english are renowned for not wanting anyone to look at them ever. like a bug under a rock

FREE REFILLS!! i have not shut up about this but if you order a coffee somewhere then you have in fact ordered UNLIMITED COFFEE. the first time a waitress leaned over me to fill my coffee up i flinched away from her bc i was like what in god's name are you doing

if you try and make a hot drink in america then you are taking your life in your hands. you have to filter the water, find whatever apparatus this specific house uses to boil water, remind yourself that americans have a vendetta against milk so you have to use creamer which is 'exactly like milk' but 'you wouldnt drink it like milk' so what the fuck is going on there, and then by the time everything's done you want to go out back to curl up and die like an old dog. dont get me started on tea

one thing i thought was cute is that you guys say 'come get in the AC' the same way we would say 'come get out of the rain' like that's such a cute little human thing i think

AC itself is such a godsend but me not being used to it was kind of baffling to americans. boom's brother asked me what my ideal AC temp was at home and i just. looked at him bc i didnt even know where to start with that

it took me WEEKS to stop trying to get in the driver's side of the car

american ignorance is a very real very frustrating thing. 'whats that thing they do in europe-' idk bc ive never been to all of europe. 'when i went to europe-' where in europe. it is a continent. i got asked if we have fireworks in europe. bonfire night is older than the founding of america. there's just a genuine belief amongst americans that they're not even AWARE of (because it would be smart, nice americans that i genuinely liked saying these things) that america is the most elite country in the world and is the only place to have certain things

speaking of the european thing with americans, the fact that 'travelling to europe' is typically a bragging right over there and is seen as quite an upper class thing is very interesting. a lot of the times people would be bragging TO ME and it would go over my head bc id be like 'well anyone can go to spain'. i feel like shagaluf would give americans an aneurysm

the sheer size of america never truly registered with me until i was there like i cannot wrap my head around it. the uk can fit in lake michigan 4 times. you guys have cargo ships on lakes. the roads just go straight for miles and miles and miles. you have every environment and weather possible. literally obsessed

capitalism is actually way more intense in america. like yeah it makes sense america is thee capitalist country but i guess i thought because i was coming from a western capitalist country myself that it wouldnt change much. but like. billboards on roads. adverts while you pump gas. there is someone selling u something everywhere u look

tipping was so hard 😭 i knowwww it's necessary i understand the econ behind it all but i was so stressed all the time because of it 😭

YOUR STARBUCKS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN OURS

i knew i was going to have to change the way i spoke in america bc of obvious things (my accent isnt The British Accent that americans recognise, i use a lot of slang etc) but it surprised me just how much i had to change. like by the end of it i wasnt using any slang and i was enunciating every letter because i was just so tired of saying something just for boom to have to literally translate bc like? it was no fault of theirs or mine or even the person i was talking to but it just made me feel Weird and Odd and most surprising of all was that it made me feel stupid? and i guess that's bc i get a lot of shit for my accent over here too so im oversensitive to it but ive never properly felt more like a foreigner in a different country than i did trying to talk to americans

sarcasm. im just. like the running joke is that americans dont get sarcasm and id have actually preferred that i think bc what instead happened is you guys have AMERICAN sarcasm and it just. made no fucking sense to me at all. i literally did not get american humour even slightly it was probably my biggest thing when i was over there like i literally felt like entire conversations were going over my head. british humour is very dry so not only did i not get american humour but sometimes MY humour would be misinterpreted as well and the entire thing was just very strange lol

RIGHT ON RED????? RED MEANS STOP???? WHAT ARE YOU DOING????

[bibberbang]

i just cant be hypervigilant anymore, its so bad for me. i know i have some unanswered messages and asks about my moralizing OCD posts (and i do apologize for never answering. i have midterms and family stuff going on rn so my life is chaotic as hell).

for so long ive been hypervigilant of everything i do and say to an extremely harmful degree. i reread my messages 80 times to make sure theres no potentially bad faith interpretations. i dont defend myself when people bad faith me. ive said yes to commissions when i didnt feel comfortable doing them. ive stayed in spaces/servers/groups that put me down or made me uncomfortable because i feared that leaving would be immoral somehow. ive been a doormat for a lot of my life. OCD stops you from actually helping others, and replaces that with pointless hypervigilance that doesnt actually help anyone at all, and just hurts YOU in the end.

i spent a long time thinking i was a confident person, because i love my body and my identity and i think im pretty talented. but i forgot about personality- i really need to work on my personality confidence, bc im actually deeply insecure and i second, third, fourth-guess everything i do. i dont have to do that!

i was talking to my therapist about how this links to being an autistic bitch. i wonder if being "trained to be normal" as a child made me start overcompensating by becoming a doormat for others. its all connected!!! my point is that im trying to stop doing this. if i dont wanna take commissions, i'll say so. if i have a boundary, i'll enforce it. my bf is going to call me out whenever i do things that hurt myself for the sake of pleasing others. and if that disappoints people, oh well. if i dont start taking care of myself, im gonna crash and burn. sometimes you have to disappoint people by saying no or walking away, and there's no way around that discomfort but to just do it

[bluehwale]

SO I was like travelling in bus for my.classes nd im usually a person in public transport who is like quiet minds my own business nd doesnt talk to anyone cuz maybe either om too sleepy or using my phone nd yesterday in saw this guy on my bus he was wearing all black suit nd he had his ear pierced (cuz men over here dont like to pierce their ears cuz its feminine 💀) nd that guy was standing in front of me I was like observing him like I liked men black tuxedo okay cuz they look so good 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵😮‍💨😮‍💨nd I was thinking of completing his outfit nd I was like contemplating whether should I or should I not nd I was get so FUCKING anxious 😭😭 like me who has never complimented a stranger (not even a women is going nd complimenting a MAN ITS A BIG THNG ND IM LITERWLLY MY MIMD EAS SO BUSY DESPITE RUNNING ON 4HRS OF SLEEP) nd ykw im the end I ended up complimenting him nd before my stop I said ur outfit looks really good nd I like ur bag too nd he was literally smiling ear to ear so cite nd before he could say smth my stop came I was literally SCREAMING THE WHOLE WAY UNTIL I FOUND MY SENIOR 😭i jad to pull my my shit together nd talk to him ndi after I finished talking to him I was literally screaming nd sending voice notes to my frnd (hey sending voice notes r a BIG THING nd I never send voice texts unless I cant type.out my thoughts nd to arrange them properly im a text message nd I couldn't call the fuck.down I LEGIT WENT TO RESTROOM ND SCREAMEDDDDDD WELLL im becoming more loose like ND WJEM I COMPLIMENT ITS LIKE I DESCRIBE EVERY ASPECT OF IT ND TELL IT TO PPL ND IT ENDS UP WITH THEM BLUSHING ND I WAS Literally TRYIJG MY BEST NOT TO STUTTER 🥴🥴ND I ENDED UP GWTTING SHT AFTER GIVING THE COMPLIMENT 😭😭😭💀💀LIZ IT WAAS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER ND I TOLD ANT THIS TO 3 OTHER FRNDS ND THEY ALL HAD fucking diverse opinions like 😞😞😞imma cotinue it in the next ask 🥴🥴

olay so I told abt my adventure to 3other frnds one of then whom I told first thought I jad a crush on the gut like a fleeting crush who im never gonna see again (sue was genuinely.confused olay so o said I just liked how he dressed up nd yes black tum 💀🥴🥴im on my knees okay )

another frnd I told (she is the most logical one) she said guys get less compliments than girls nd u just made his day nd said when u get dressed up nd someone acknowledges it u are jiet over the moon nd she was also proud of me for implementing a stranger cuz it takes alot of courage

thw last.frnd I told she said u go on doing this nd make.every guy fall for.u 😭 im like im an over exaggerator who compliments in a very descriptive way nd I cant change it cuz it what it is nd imo descriptive compliments >>>>one line compliments (idk why I prefer it )

anw liz have a good day taake care of urself.ilyyy (2/2)

MISS DIORWOO!!!! IM ALWAYS THE HAPPIEST GIRL WHENEVER I HEAR FROM U <33 (my response is under the cut, u better bUCKLE UP !!)

HI HELLO SORRY IM??? ON THE FLOOR??? ALL BLACK SUIT WITH HIS EARS PIERCED???? PHEW 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 U BETTER SIGN ME UP BCS I ALSO LIKE MEN IN BLACK TUXEDOS rawr (also i’d probably simp for u if i ever see u in a bus BCS U GIVE OFF THE MYSTERIOUS QUIET VIBES😵‍💫sorry oops off topic!! ANYWAYS) SMNDNDNDNS RUNNING ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP BUT U STILL HAVE UR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT MHM I KNOW THATS RIGHT !!!!

ANNDNDB. FBDBDBSBSJJSJSS KYAAAAAAAAWQAAASSS WHEN U COMPLIMENTRD HIM OMGG FNDNDHDJ 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 HIM SMILING EAR TO EAR !!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 HELLO THIS IS LIKE THE START OF A ROMANCE MOVIE ?????? A SCENE OF THIS (ghibli style) IS LITERALLY PLAYING IN MY HEAD RN I CAN SEE THE VISION OMG AND 😭😭😭 STOPPPPP HE DIDNT GET TO SAY ANTUTHING BEFORE U GOT OFF UR STOP OMGMDNDHDHD IM SO UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH THIS WOULD BE A HOLLYWOOD HIT ISTG 😭😭 also

u: *internally screaming and dy1ng* 🧍‍♀️

ur senior: 😃👋 (HE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT U JUST WENT THRU!!!!!)

ALSO URE RIGHT VOICE NOTES ARE A BIG THING!!! JSNSJSJJSHS I WOULD ALSO DO THAT IF I WERE U BCS MY HANDS WOULD BE SHAKING AND I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO TYPE 😭😭😭 (im hoping no janitors were traumatized in that toilet </3) ALSO YEAH UR COMPLIMENTS ARE SERIOUSLY THE BEST ITS PEAK BCS I BLUSH BEHIND MY SCREEN ALL THE DAMN TIME !!! JWBDJSJSJ

A FLEETING CRUSH WHO U WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN???? PLS DONT BREAK MY HEART NOOOO 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔😞😞😞😞😞 (im gonna manifest that u’ll meet him again soon I HAVE MY PRAYER CIRCLE READY !!!!! 🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️) honestly,,,,, so relatable i too would get on my knees for any man who dresses well and esp in black (the bar is so low its IN HELL)

NAH BCS IM GONNA GO WITH UR LAST FRIEND BCS IM PRETTY SURE HE FELL IN LOVE WITH U !!!!!! WHEN U COMPLIMENTRD HIM AND UR GAZE MET HIS, THATS WHEN HE KNOWS !!! ITS U !!!! U’RE THE ONE HES BEEN LOOKING FOR (sorry im obv over the mOON THIS IS TOO CUTE) but yeah im also so 🥺🥺proud🥺🥺 of u for complimenting a stranger bcs that takes balls that i dont hv I MEAN IVE NEVER ATTEMPTED TO DO IT BUT IK I WOULD GET 😨😨😨 *sweats* 😨😨😨 AND “hi i just wanna say that i rlly like ur outfi- well would u looK at that cat over there!! aHaHahah” WOULD PROBABLY COME OUT OF MY MOUTH INSTEAD SNBDDNNSNS (i hv 0 rizz) but anyWAYS IT PROBABLY MADE HIS WHOLE DAY AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU’VE BECOME “THE GIRL IN THE BUS” TO ALL HIS FRIENDS BCS HE WOULD FOR SURE TELL EVERYONE THAT HE GOT A COMPLIMENT FROM U </333333 (im suffering thats so cute) U’RE IMMORTALIZED IN HIS HEAD AND IN HIS STORIES !!!!!

i loVE the way u give compliments u’re literally the sweetest and i know hE thinks that too </3 im hoping for another adventure of u meeting that guy OR ANYONE ELSE IN PARTICULAR REALLY BCS EEEEEK THIS MADE MY WHOLE DAY I LOVED THIS SM SNSBDBDNSBNSS 😭😭😭😭

thanku sm for sharing this adventure of urs !!! 🥺🥺🥺 i missed u and i love u and i hope u have a great day as well !!! take care always <333

p.s. I NEED UPDATES IF U EVER SOMEHOW MEET THIS GUY AGAIN👹👹👹👹 UNIVERSE !!!! DO UR THING !!! 👹👹👹👹

hashtag my current mood:

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

i like how i messaged both of my managers at almost 1am yesterday while i was walking home to tell them i had severe personal issues to handle and a car thats not drivable currently but will be, hence needing the day to fix it.

manager 1 checked to see if i was actually okay, what all i needed, etc. told me she would get stuff sorted at work and for me to just focus on myself this weekend and get my shit handled bc that was more important anyway. shes aware i have bpd and helped me a week or two ago when i had a depressive breakdown at work.

manager 2??? mf CALLS ME pissed off bc he has to come back a whole day early from his week and a half off he didn't tell us about and hes pissed off hes alone there today handling everything, AS IF FIRST OF ALL, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE ALONE ALL DAY TODAY SO LIKE BOOHOO MOTHERFUCKER???? WHEN YALL DO ME LIKE THAT IT'S FINE BUT HOW DARE I, RIGHT???? and then also basically interrogated me on why i cant come in, why my car cant be driven, why did i need the whole day, etc. didnt ask how i was, didnt ask if i needed anything. and i wasnt lying, and havent. i told him where it happened, what time, where i was coming from, etc. buddy i am just as pissed off as you my car is currently fucked. but like damn dude knows i have bpd also, and understands it bc his wife has it too, like once again a case of other ppp can be mentally ill and have crippling episodes, but when i do it, it's a problem.

and it isnt like ive also been saying im burnt out as all fuck too so are we surprised i had a severe episode over this??? it isnt that wild. i truly dont understand why im at such a high level of scrutiny from him, i basically try to stay out of his way.

[naramdil]

Salam hafsah 💕

I hope you’re well. I wanted to reach out to you bc i always have admired your perspectives and thoughts on matters of the heart, seeing you have a naram dil. This is a lot so i understand if you don’t feel comfortable answering but would appreciate your insight.

I’m currently in a relationship with someone and recently i discovered something painful. I found out that he was in love with someone when we first started talking. We began as something online and weren’t in a committed relationship. I never approached him for the purpose of marriage (which i usually do) so we were definitely undefined. i did end up asking him to speak with the purpose of marriage and so we did. But during that period when i asked, he was already trying to pursue someone he loved and when she refused, he had decided to move on and pursue me.

Finding out now, i feel like i was left in the dark. He told me he didn’t tell me because at that time we weren’t committed and it would only hurt me. But he still needed to see if anything could happen with her before giving me his full attention. She was in a relationship and had just broken up and he took that opportunity to drive to her state and ask. It was a grand gesture, but she refused.

So then he and i began. But now that i’m thinking about it, i feel like he was still in love with her while talking to me. I asked him what she meant to him. He told me that this girl was an instant connection for him. You know how our souls have met other souls in a different realm before we meet physically in this dunya? She was one of those people for him. He knew immediately that he wanted to marry her without even fully knowing her. It was that kind of love. it hurt to hear about it. It hurt that i didn’t know. It hurt that that person wasn’t me.

We broke up a few months into the relationship for reasons which had nothing to do with his feelings for her. We reconnected a month ago. For some reason, i started talking to him again and we only recently started truly making the intention to talk for marriage and not just because we like each other. But he actually told me that last month, she reached out to him and he was put in a similar position as when we first started talking. Again we were in a situationship this time again and not fully committed because i didnt feel like i was ready to do this again. He told me she reached out to me before i reached out again (the second time i reached out after we first broke up) and she finally sent him a message saying it wouldnt work with them. So this has happened two times.

I don’t know if it’s bad timing with two girls reaching out to him around the same time but now I’m thinking if he’s still in love with her. That kind of love he had for her doesnt just disappear like that. He told me it’s rare to find that kind of love. He told me two weeks ago was when she texted him that it wouldnt work out. They havent talked since then.

I just don’t know what to do now because i still like him. Despite it all. Despite the anxiety i feel. Despite the hurt and my tendency to compare his love for her for the love he can have for me. He said that although it wasnt an instant connection when it came to me, he is still willing to build it with me. Build the love since most people grow i to love and choose each other every day and that’s how bonds are made. What he experienced is rare. But it just all hurts. It hurts to feel like he is just settling and getting married because he has faced rejection and the woman he loves doesnt want him. I feel like a second choice. I feel like i’m the logical decision, which is to find a person to marry and have kids. I didnt give him that cosmic, spiritual, instant connection like she did.

I dont know if this is something i can repair. He told me that he isn’t in love with her but he still has love for her and will always make dua for her. he wants to build a connection and grow into love with me. But i feel myself comparing and hurting. It was only two weeks ago that she sent him the rejection message so it’s not like she’s part of his past and it’s been years. It’s recent

But I’m still here. I almost broke up with him again because i felt like i couldnt handle this. But i’m still here. How do people love like that, get rejected and then marry? Wouldnt it feel like they settled if they chose you? I’m so sorry! I just have no one that would possibly understand what predicament i’m in. I appreciate it all anyway 💕

hey honey, I think that you should let him go. genuine love will not make you question anything. sure you could "grow into love" but ultimately he is telling you that he didn't feel that connection with you and that this other girl will always be on his mind (if he is gonna continue to pray for her....) he seems like a flake and you deserve someone who is sure about you and chooses you for you and not because you are conveniently there. it seems like you have made yourself too available to him and he doesn't view you as something he could "lose" but rather a fallback. you should never marry someone in that circumstance.

if you have so many struggles and heightened emotional lows now, before you are married? it's only going to continue. and if how you are feeling now is not how you want to continue feeling then you are going to have to let go and move on with your life. you seem religious so I will say that you should pray on it and ask that if he is meant to be in your life, to clear the path and make it easy. and if he is not meant to be in your life, to remove the emotions and make you feel nothing so that it is easier to move forward. inshAllah things get better for you, please look out for yourself. you are allowed to seek the kind of connection that you described, that cosmic connection that you just feel is right and that is easy to come together and build a life. if you broke up once it was for a reason, remember that.

[raikkonens]

i need to know your trans kimi thoughts honestly i am so curious-

ok this is literally copied and pasted from my messages with bas from like 2 months ago. think sauber kimi or even kimi pre-f1. i'll put reference pics at the bottom

Got top surgery and is saving up for bottom surgery. Doesn’t know where bottom surgery/recovery fits into his f1 career or if it’s even possible; it’s not really a priority right now for him but if he can find time or take time off, he wants to do it.

His family was supportive - he’d always be their baby. He was into more dangerous, “masculine” things (sports, fishing, hunting with his dad) from a young age so his decision to officially transition didnt come as a surprise. maybe there wasn't even an "official" transition 

Kimi’s been considered a boy by his family and friends since he was about 9 or 10 (he/him pronouns, masculine clothes, etc.) 

Bc kimi passed from a young age, his dad managed to enter him into karting races as a boy (dont ask me how this works idc about logistics)

As for when he started t……idk. i was initially thinking 1999/2000 just before joining f1 but i did some research and now im thinking 16......and maybe he started taking hormone blockers earlier (which would contradict the first point and mean he didn't get top surgery, right? idk i think info from actual trans person could help me here)

A little confused about his sexuality, thinks he might be bisexual but hasn’t been with a girl for a really long time and also has never been with a boy..?? women kinda confuse him but he still finds them attractive.

He’s s bit insecure about how he looks without a hat on. he had longish hair until he was about 18/19/20 (ignore young kimi pics where he has short hair to keep this hc alive pls) but cut it short when he went pro. he likes how he looks with short hair but he’s still getting used to it, hence the hat.

Mika is the only one on the grid who knows he’s trans (idk…in this imaginary world, only the FIA, kimi’s TP, trainer, and manager need to know he’s trans). maybe michael too, and later...seb?

He’s done a lot of work to protect the fact that he was born female. he's not ashamed of it, but he knows what will happen if that info comes out. You can’t really find anything about young kimi – maybe a karting photo here or there but nothing about his personal life. no one finds this odd though bc kimi's very quiet and private in general

sorry this is way more than 5 hc's but here's bb kimi for reference

mclaren kimi experimenting with the no hat look but the contractual obligation to represent the brand and sponsors blah blah blah means that he has to wear the hat a lot (which he's thankful for)

and kimi tries growing out his hair in 2009 and actually kinda likes it?? he basically just stopped giving a fuck (not even an hc, just a fact) and kept it long during his non-f1 ventures in 2010 and 2012

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

29f here  hi there, I started to "officially" date my boyfriend bout a year ago. Im really happy with him. I adore him, and our relationship is amazing.  I had never been in a commited relationship before, and there is a small thing that has been bothering me lately. I m not a jealous at all, I have never been like this, yet I feel worried about him and his exgf. It all starts when we first met... when we met they werr together and we were not even friends (my bf and me) and then "they broke up" or thats what he said. We started going put as friends and then went on a trip together... we started being friends with benefits after he asured me he was no longer in a relationship with this person. Well turns out one day I was at the beach and I saw them together.he didnt even speak to me. Then he said she still lived in his house bc she was broke and unemployed and that he took her to the beach "cos she wanted to go". We were not a couple just friendswb ... so yeah I distanced myself bc I didnt want to be w someone with a gf... ok so fast forward. After a month or so he  calls me to tell me she trashed his house bc he asked her to leave. So another month ... we start dating. I decided to Just let go of that bc we were not even together. Everything is great and he is like my bestfriend. BUT this lady has messaged him twice.1st saying he saw us together at the beach he didnt answer. 2nd to tell him she was over him and that she was dating sb el se. And he answered hope u r doing well ... like this bothered me ... cos a guy that i was seeing in the past also messaged me and i was like mm yeah idc ... anything else?... bc i genuinely dont care. ...We have a fb Page of a bussines we started together.  The ex often watches stories reels and Leaves reacts here and there but doesnt follow said Page. She blocked a friend of mine bc she thinks she is the actual gf... she doesnt even Know it is me ... but like this shit is toxic. And I now DO belive what he told me about them not being together and him lettting her stay out of pity, bc he often allows ppl to take advantage of him and doesnt set boundaries. This worries me bc im scared she might try sth w him and he May accept bc of this.it also fills me w doubts about HIM having moved on from her. Idk how to approach this wo sounding crazy. I already told him about the fb thing and her blocking my friend and he just says ah yeah .but i dont know how to tell him about my concerns. Hope you could help me. I feel very anxious and like this could be a thing that could ruin the relationship and trust

Hi there. It's understandable that you feel anxious since it seems to be a messy situation. It does not seem like a healthy relationship to me :c

It seems to me that a lot of focus has been put on him and his ex but not you. Have you asked yourself what you want from the relationship and from him? Are you happy being in this relationship/ situation?

As an adult, I think your bf needs to take accountability as he continues letting things happen (even if he no longer has feelings for her). If you are not happy with how things are going, perhaps it's best to find a time when you and him are both calm to have a face-to-face convo

You may approach the conversation by stating your observations and feelings without any criticism or judgment (This link about four components to the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model, may help). Tell him calmly how the situation (him letting his exgf take advantage of him) makes you feel uncomfortable and you would like to see if boundaries can be put up.

I can also feel that you feel insecure about this relationship as you worried that she may steal him away. Trust and honesty are important qualities of a healthy romantic relationship. Currently, it seems to me that you do not feel secure about your place in the relationship and his behaviours. Apart from talking to him regarding the situation, perhaps try putting the focus back on yourself? Engage in your hobbies, hang out with friends and family or join a new community? When you focus on yourself more, you will have less time to worry about him. You are loved regardless of his feelings for you. You are valued no matter how he treats you. <3

There is also no certain way to know if he/ she was lying. You can only do what's best for you in this situation. Please always take care of yourself first!

Love,

Sammi

[taegularities]

HII RID 🦆🥨 so…. i have a confession to make!! i have been traveling around so i havent been able to leave any kind of message for cmi11 — and thank GOD i havenT 🤣🤣 bc the first feedback i wanna give u was “omg that wasnt 30+k words?!! it was so fast?!” lmao… since i read this on an airplane i copy pasted it into my notes to ensure the link wont close etc 🥹✌️

so color me surprised (lmao get it) when i keep on reading ur response to other asks & feedbacks about the ending… and im like??? the ending was like whatever? lmao (u know what i mean, it was a cliffhanger and really nothing to write home ab bc we dont know what it is— the “holy shit” line after going into the room) but i still didnt register that there was a SECOND PART to cmi11 bc i missed ur notes at the bottom 💀💀💀 im a clown truly LMFAO but I READ IT LAST NIGHT I FOUGHT THRU THE JETLAG 🤡🤡 and goodnesssss meeeeeweeeeee

just to start…… i love that theres so many scenes!!!!! i get so giddy when i know u can end the chapter on a particular scene and u didnt (HAHA i would scroll a little just to see if i have more to read 🙃)

the meeting w jk’s mom 🥹🥹 how is she that precious (what are u even saying munchhhkinnn — lives literally rent free in my head!!!! idk why munchkin can make me blush even more than angel does but if theres anyone who can do it, its certainly u & jk 💓) and i love their playfulness throughout the whole chapter, i really miss this ab them 😢😢 the past few i think oc has been too sad, or timid and also just blushing at jk’s advances ☹️☹️ WHEN his mom caught him looking at her?!!! when he unconsciously plays w the ends of her hair?? damn kill me now idk ahhhhh i alr re-read that scene like 4 times

regarding the l word scene, HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA mfer saying he cant put his feelings to word and did better than shakespeare 😡😢

AH HELLO YOUUU!! it's so cute that you read this on the plane like fkjhsdkfa i'm glad you found something to kill the time!! also 30k+ passing fast is always the biggest compliment ever 😭 NOT YOU MISSING THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LMAOOOO oh my god i can imagine the confusion upon reading the asks, bc the "holy shit" truly was not the ✨ magnificent ending ✨ everyone spoke of 🤣

yes, i think this wasn't just the longest chapter wc wise, but had the most scenes, too!! like legit 10+, idk what i was on :') where am i ending the chapter.. always an unpredictable affair 😂 hope you liked how it ended after all!! yes his mom is… literally now we know where he got his all his kindness and his good heart from!! i'm so happy you liked the scene (and the nickname, bc munchkin is ABSOLUTELY growing on me :')) you're so right. they were so sad the past few chapters that i couldn't quite capture their bicker and their playful personalities, but that's what they are – dorky and sweet and enthusiastic about everything 🥺

thank you so much for reading and mentioning all the key scenesssss! you might not know, but messages like these leave me feeling so giddy and warm <3