#but everyone is so fucking negative all the damn time it's very tiring

[acealistair]

just a heads up i am going to be unapologetically and unironically excited for da4

[duskcecropia]

Dawg I am BEYOND tired of seeing people romanticizing Bpd and people with Bpd. It is genuinely disturbing to me how normalized it is too. A quick scroll on TikTok and you will find people being like “When she’s literally obsessed with me 💕” or “POV: I have a girl with Bpd so she’s utterly in love with me and never leaves” or some other TikTok slideshow bullshit.

(I have made this partly factual, but a lot of it is very personal. please read at your own leisure.)

To me, it is utterly dehumanizing. As someone with Bpd, I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. I struggle almost every damn day to control and regulate my emotions so I don't blow up at someone or breakdown over something I MADE UP to sabotage myself. I am not some fucking character who will do anything to have you or will kill just to be with you. I am a REAL PERSON with a VERY REAL AND MENATLY CRUSHING MENTAL ILLNESS. I am not some one-sided person with only one goal. I am just like literally everyone else on this goddamn planet!!!!! I just act and think differently!!!!!!! And honestly, do any of you people realize what you are asking? Do you REALLY know what you are getting into? Because it’s uneducated people like that who romanticize Bpd to the point where others think it’s “only obsession”.

And boy do I have a HORRIBLE surprise for you. Lets have a little psychology lesson, shall we?

According to NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health)*, "Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others." (This is sectioned under "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?")

"People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

Other signs or symptoms may include:

Efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment, such as plunging headfirst into relationships—or ending them just as quickly.

A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.

A distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance misuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. However, if these behaviors happen mostly during times of elevated mood or energy, they may be symptoms of a mood disorder and not borderline personality disorder.

Self-harming behavior, such as cutting.

Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats.

Intense and highly variable moods, with episodes lasting from a few hours to a few days.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger. Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality."(This is sectioned under "What are the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder?")

I am no expert and I do not claim to be, but I know for a FACT that most if not majority of people who romanticize Bpd don't know ANYTHING about what actually goes on in someone with Bpd's head. From my experience, it is never quiet. In the back of my mind I have a small but convincing "voice" that tries it's hardest to make me crack. And by crack, I mean believe it's false and twisted words. For a hypothetical example, Say one of your friends goes a while without texting you. a rational mind would say "they're probably busy, or not going on their phone at the moment". Someone with Bpd would probably think this too at first, but their very unhelpful little voice in the back of their head would chime in. "But what if they're doing this on purpose? What is they think you're annoying? You are annoying. That's why they won't talk to you. You're being too much of an inconvenience so they've found other people to talk to." People with Bpd tend to become more irrational due to a false sense of distrust via these thoughts. it can be extremely devastating to one's mental health and make them feel insecure. it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

BUT!!!!!!! While this mental illness is absolutely terrible to deal with, there are ways to treat and cope with it. While it seems like hopeless and never-ending, there's always a way to make the best of it. You just have to discover what works best for you. ^^

In conclusion; Bpd is no joke, and it shouldn't be taken as such. I would go into more depth, but it is very late while I'm typing this and I need some sleep. Please do your research before making this heinous shit online, if anything it just shows idiocy, immaturity, and lack of understanding. Of course I know I cannot change other's opinions and there will always be people like this, but I can only hope this post sheds at least a little light on this topic. If you've made it this far, thank you for taking time to read this, and have a wonderful rest of your day/night.

*source: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder#:~:text=Borderline%20personality%20disorder%20is%20a,impact%20their%20relationships%20with%20others.

[emmettland]

heavy vent

i'm so tired of feeling so drained, in every way possible. physically. mentally. emotionally. creatively. i'm trying so hard to do what i love, but it's like i'm not loving it, i'm not loving anything now. i read the words i type and just see something lukewarm, underdeveloped, nowhere near greatness. i open up my canvas to draw and it's just the same shapes, same ideas, same concepts, same struggles. it's all flat and monotone where there used to be life.

i've dealt with some very bad depressive episodes. i don't think i've ever dealt with one this long. it's not that there aren't moments of happiness and relief -- it's just that it hurts more knowing the empty, bitter gray will suck me back in once they end, and i'll make myself even more jaded wishing i could get them back, make them stay.

i want to do something self-destructive, but it would negatively affect the people i live with, the people who still manage to care about me, and i also need to take care of myself enough to take care of Peggy, even though that's become a slog through the gray too. wake up, walk dog, feed dog, feed self. distract from the bad feelings.

i want to work and be productive, but whenever i sit down to do commission work, i'm reminded of my shameful unemployment. whenever i sit down and try to get in the zone while working on a project, all i can think about is how the high won't last. the interest will fade. i'll do brilliant things with it, and then abandon it, and then grieve over something that i decided to leave behind.

all that comes out of my mouth now are excuses, or silence, because talking leads to venting and i can only vent about the same problem, the same feelings (just getting worse), so many damn times before that vicious little voice in my head keeps telling me i'm the problem.

i was better for a while. i got used to ignoring it. i even got to a point where i believed it wasn't right. when i believed people telling me i wasn't a bad person, that my work was worthwhile, that i was worthwhile. i believed it, i accepted it, i fucking loved myself.

i climbed all the way to what felt like the top, only to come tumbling down, down, down. it never changes, and i never learn. the higher you go, the farther you fall. when in my life have i ever found the key to happiness and actually held onto it? it's a delusion. everything is just a fucking delusion and i can't tell why. is it my brain chemistry? do i need pills? is it the unemployment? is it getting older? is it my own choices? if the answer was just written out for me, i could solve it, because i help solve other people's problems, why not mine?

i'm not suicidal. i'm not. i sound like a raving mad man while i type this out at seven in the morning, but this is the most real that i've felt, the words are actually clear to me and not just blurry shapes behind a wall of I'm Fine, I'm Polite, Don't Worry. everything is making sense right now and the words are so bright and sharp, it's almost like digging and digging and finally finding something in the ground.

i don't want to die. i'm not sure if i want to be understood. i don't need everyone to love me, just my family and friends is fine, i would also like to be included in that equation. i think about dying all the time, but i don't want to die, trust me. i just want help. i need help, and maybe spitting out so-called edgy nonsense on my blog isn't going to help me, but maybe it's good not to backspace and delete everything. maybe it'll give my therapist something to work with because i always forget to say things in the moment.

i can't even say i'm having a breakdown. that's singular, an isolated event. this is breaking down. i'm losing it, i'm fucking losing it, but believe me, i'm holding on. it might not look like it, but i'm grabbing and not letting go, even when my grip starts to slip. my dad's an alcoholic and turned to drinking when he got laid off. my dad made my mom cry so many times when i was a kid because he let go and i won't make that mistake, i won't make mom cry, even if she doesn't live here. i will not end up like him.

[biquinntile]

TLDR: My biggest frustration being a late-diagnosed autistic is getting my brain to re-frame any of my behaviors. I’m having trouble figuring out how to help myself.

I was abused growing up, including some medical abuse, but my mom knew I had ADHD and lied to me and convinced me I didn’t. She never got a diagnosis but would ask me questions like “What are you, autistic?” I didn’t really understand what either of these terms meant back in 2012 when I was 13/14. So of course I said no, not even realizing until later that this was a rhetorical question (I am sighing so hard rn).

Fast forward to now, me age 26, being recently diagnosed as a person with ADHD and Autism. I spent my entire life up until now masking but even that feels like a weird word to use because it was never intentional. If I had needs not being met, I would find a way to get them met without talking to anyone or I would ignore them/push them away so that I “didnt have” that need anymore. In social situations, I made a lot of mistakes and found myself being very confused…so I would avoid being social altogether, or I would drill myself relentlessly before and after any social situation…and I mean any social situation. I remember people always criticizing me for “taking the long way” or not taking the most efficient route, but for me the “most efficient” route has never given me the results I wanted. It felt like I was a robot who had to constantly tinker with my own parts, with the goal being that one day I would be able to exist with other people naturally the way they do with each other. Not a robot, a person.

It’s very difficult to wrap my head around this not being a plausible goal anymore. I spent so long doing what was more difficult to mask symptoms I didn’t know I was masking. I spent my entire life operating under the belief that everybody was trying as hard as me to deal with sensory and socialization and all that jazz, it’s just that I was too weak to do it as well as they did. And it didn’t matter because I was doomed to fail.

I’m really working hard to not have such negative beliefs about being neurodivergent but it’s difficult bc in my brain I always hoped that one day I would just suddenly flip a switch and things would be easier. I would understand people and they would understand me. I wouldn’t spend weeks (if not months) obsessing over one singular topic. When I look back on moments where the autism was probably showing, I have all these memories of my parents calling me aggressive/angsty/spoiled/stupid/lazy/sensitive/etc. My stepdad would always say “You can’t be that stupid” and in my head, I would say “Well I guess I fucking am.”

All this to say, I have a lot of trouble now even recognizing when I’m doing a form of “masking” because it is so ingrained in me, and had I not done it, I would have faced worse abuse than I already had been facing. It took me until I was 24 to realize I was wearing a size too small in shoes because I believed a level of discomfort was just always a part of life, for EVERYONE not just me. I recently realized that I am not capable of crying in front of other people, even people I care about and trust, because when I used to cry people would find my reasoning trivial or tell me that I was too sensitive and they would (and I wish I was kidding) laugh or make fun of me. That is a silly thing to make fun of someone for, I know now, but I’m not sure how to change the behavior. I find day after day that there are a million things I’ve been overcompensating for or putting up with that I thought was normal or I thought I needed to do to keep up with everyone else (no wonder I feel so tired all the fucking time damn).

All this to say, I’m not even exactly sure what autistic symptoms I have or how to tackle them or even really how masking works entirely. I feel like I don’t know anything about myself. I don’t know how to help myself. Where do I even start? People keep throwing this “high-functioning” term at me, which I guess is fair, but I also feel like my bones ache at all times and I have constant rapid-fire anxious thoughts filling up my brain and I constantly feel like everyone on the earth is touching me and crowding me, even when I’m alone in my room. So I guess if I can keep pushing myself through those feelings, I’ll be fine and functioning fine but I don’t really think I can do that anymore.

Any advice or reading material would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if I didn’t explain things well. I’m trying my best out here

[dreamland-witch]

don't panic

EDDIE MUNSON X GN!READER

A short drabble about everyone's favourite metalhead. Send in requests for Eddie or Steve btw my stranger things brainrot is back with full force.

tw: cursing, implied/referenced drug use, st4 spoilers!

not proofread

The last thing that you were expecting to happen this spring break was to become a suspect of one of the most horrid murders in history of Hawkins. Not to mention that your favourite drug dealer also got involved in this mess, and now you had no choice but to hide from the police with none other but Eddie motherfucking Munson.

Seeing Chrissy Cunningham start to float and die in front of your very eyes was definitely not on your spring break bucket list. Smoking weed with Eddie on the other hand, that was more like it. Even though you've promised yourself you would stop visiting his uncle's trailer, that night you've decided to make an exception. Especially with the fact that it was Chrissy who asked you to come with her, being a bit too nervous about going to Eddie's place to do drugs all by herself. You supposed she might've still been scared of him.

After shit hit the fan, you and Eddie made a run for it. Somehow he decided hiding in his old dealer's boathouse was a good idea. Truth be told, it was. You managed to remain hidden in there for a long time, at least until a certain group of friends found you. Good thing they meant no harm, plus they've let you in on a big secret, making the whole situation seem even more insane than it already was.

Now, you were in Rick's kitchen, trying to cook something that you and Eddie of you could eat. It's been a while since you've contacted Dustin and his friends, they seemed to be very busy dealing with this 'Vecna' thing. Your food supply was running out, forcing you to snoop around the cabin, looking for anything edible. Unfortunately, you were the only one putting the effort since Eddie was more interested in something else.

"Leave that bong alone for Christ's sake," your voice rang through the otherwise quiet building, "I could use some help here."

You could see Eddie looking at you from the living room before he got up, knocking something over in the process as he walked towards you. It took him a minute to get to the kitchen, cursing and wincing in pain, before he joined you by the cooker.

"What's the problem?" he asked, nervously fidgeting with his hair.

"There's nothing here to cook this damn soup in," with that, you gestured over the broad collection of pans that were laid out in front of you, but not a single pot in sight, "Where the fuck does this Rick guy keep his pots?"

Eddie shrugged, feeling a bit uneasy because of your harsh tone, "I dunno…"

"What the fuck do you mean you 'dunno'?" You snapped, turning towards him, "You had no trouble finding his secret weed stash!"

With that, Eddie rolled his eyes dramatically, which only made you more furious. You took the pan nearest to you and pointed it at his chest, "Don't you dare roll your eyes on me! You're the one who dragged me into this mess!"

"It's just a pot!"

"You know I'm not talking about the pot!" you yelled, feeling the salty tears stinging your eyes, but trying your best to hold it back, "In case your brain already became a paste from all the drugs you take and you need a reminder, we're on the run from the fucking police! We saw Chrissy die! In your trailer! And now I'm stuck here with you! I haven't eaten anything but cereals and beer, and you refuse to help me with anything around here because you'd rather get high and pretend everything is fucking fine but it's not! Nothing is fine!"

To top it all off, you threw the pan onto the floor. The deafening bang! nearly caused Eddie to jump out of his own skin.

"So now it's all my fault, huh?" He asked, and you could swear you saw tears tingling in his dark eyes. He looked hurt, but also extremely tired. All the negative emotions made him look much older than he actually was, even weed couldn't fix it.

"No! For fucks sake Eddie!" That's when you couldn't hold it back anymore. Tears spilled out of your eyes like waterfalls, violent sobs shaking your whole body as you found it hard to produce any coherent words. Eddie could only watch, his eyes blown wide in shock. He couldn't believe that you, the always calm and collected person who somehow managed to stay cool throughout all of the terrifying things that happened, was having a total mental breakdown in front of him. He watched as you cried, petrified.

"It's… all our fault." You finally managed to form a sentence, catching your breaths between violent sobs.

"Don't say that sweetheart. Come here…" Before you even had time to comprehend what was happening, you felt a pair of arms around you. Eddie enveloped you in a tight hug, pulling you into his chest. He smelled like weed and sweat, but you didn't mind. It helped you ground yourself and soon enough, you were hugging him back with twice as much force. While clinging to Eddie like a lifeline, you felt his hand on top of your head, gently petting your hair as you closed your eyes and cried it all out. All the stress, all the tension slowly disappeared.

When you reluctantly pulled away from him, Eddie's eyes were red and puffy as his cheeks were still wet from the tears. He sniffed, looking away from you as if he was afraid of your reaction. You had no idea how long you two were crying it out, but it was already getting dark outside by the time you were finished.

"Feeling better?" He asked, placing his hands on your shoulders. You nodded, giving him a small smile.

"Thanks, I needed this." You said, wiping your face with the sleeve of your hoodie.

"We both needed this." He smiled, and you would be lying if you said it didn't make you feel all warm on the inside.

With that, it felt like the atmosphere in the cabin got much lighter. Like a huge burden was lifted off your shoulders.

"We'll get through this. I promise."

In that moment, you felt like you could really trust his words. You could get through this. Together.

[brandnewhuman]

I'm having a "I'm going to project onto my favourite character" moment so bear with me

I KNOW EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU IS TIRED AF OF HEARING ME TALK ABOUT BO AND MICHAEL AND THEIR DAMN TRAUMA BUT I WANT YOU ALL TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME

One could think that there isn't any consequences to their traumas worse than the ones they both already have going on but I think there's something even more heartbreaking

Bo and michael never cry, which isn't surprising I know, no biggie here. The why is the fucked up part.

With Michael i see that everyone just asumes (including me) that he just doesn't feels as much as others do but the more I think about it the more I realise its not true. He has never been able to cry because his own body won't let him, imagine feeling so sad but never been able to call for help or cry. He feels so much inside but he is like physically unable to bodily react to it. Just picture how frustrating it must be to try so hard to cry to feel relief but not being able to

He actively hits himself hard and mentally goes through every shitty thing he has lived to help the tears out. I can't even imagine how relief he must have felt when he let that tear in front of his niece. The way I see it, it's like being trapped in your own body without any possible outlet. Where a normal person might feel this to some kind of degree but never for too long, Michael literally feels like he has been locked away inside something he can't never escape

And for Bo is a whole different story. His brain is so damaged with all the trauma that now he associates intense emotions like sadness ecc with extreme panic and pain. He is terrorise of crying or expressing any emotion that might be too much or too negative. Even around vinny ecc he always keeps up that tamed act cause he just can't stop pretending. It feels literally wrong to show things so raw and genuinely. The only times he let's out everything is with his victims and even then he goes so hard with them as a punishment for making him feel too much. He is not able to feel too excited or too angry ecc and crying? That's something he hasn't done in a very long time

That's it, thank you for coming to my Ted talk

[beyond-a-name]

I saw some cool art of someone in the U.S. wearing a mask because of the smoke from forest fires here in Canada, and like. It's cool to see art of a problem affecting my country, but it's downright depressing that it only happens when it's affecting the U.S., (or at least that I only see it then).

Living here is exhausting, but a part of me knows there is actually quite a lot of wonderfully uniquely Canadian things to celebrate and share, but we never see it because our politicians are too busy copying the U.S.'s inadequacy to support any of it.

A local university radio station in my province, CKUA, has to ask for funding damn near every month to keep open, despite being some wonderful and varied public broadcasting. The UCP hasn't done shit to curb hateful protests at drag events. We have so many variations of French here in Canada specific to most of the Eastern provinces, and I learned that this year because I went looking for it after never having had any conversational French language education in school. We never learn any indigenous languages, despite that arguably being some of the most defining cultural heritage we have. Any time I hear that an actor is Canadian, I'm genuinely surprised. We have a few staple shows that everyone seems to know (like Letterkenny or Reboot), but what about all the underground and upcoming art movements here in Canada? I know we have them, but why don't we ever hear about them? What are they?? Or or Canadian architecture, maybe?? Why don't we read about Canadian literature movements, or scientific advancements? I know who threw the first brick at Stonewall, but I have to really dig for the roots of Canadian queer history to the point that I barely know where to start looking.

And like, we've been dealing with these forest fires for around 5 years now. Our government doesn't care; Trudeau bails out oil execs and every conservative or centrist with half a brain cell to rub together parrots the same shit talking point about how "Canada's a huge country and so our trees and such actually mean our carbon footprint is negative," or "Actually what we need in Canada isn't clean energy but more pipelines to process our own oil because fuck indigenous lands and my failhusband works in oil and it's unthinkable that he could simply get a job in the new blossoming clean energy sector, then he'd lose his oil job!!!!!"

Like the entire town of Litton burned down last year in record breaking heat and I had to make a DIY AC unit because my landlord sure as fuck wasn't going to use the half of my salary that I gave him to work that out. This year my friend had to evacuate for two weeks, and the entire time I want to sit and worry about him, I'm too busy trying very hard to make it into affordable housing that's probably going to get kneecapped thanks to the UCP's second term here in Alberta. Entire reservations (that still don't have clean drinking water!!!!!!) are simply being ignored by the government even more than usual and crowdfunding evacuations to escape forest fires. Now all of the Eastern provinces are ablaze and the first time I see political art of someone giving a shit it's because half a country evaporating into smoke inconvenienced The Home of The Brave in the Good Ol' U S of A.

...

I'm tired. Like, I used to be in cadets and care about the flag, and I really think Canada has a lot of room to grow and a unique culture to embrace and share and improve further. But boy is it so exhausting that no one gives a shit about us until the U.S. gets a taste of what we've had to internalize and cope with for years now. At least now the public opinion in the U.S. might push some party head to pay lip service to climate change, before they ignore it, of course.

[blackbozo]

TW: Vent Post.

Hey so uhm.. This is a vent post so if you don't wanna see that, keep scrolling.

I don't really know where to really.. begin with this. But basically, I'm just tired.

I feel tired, I feel dead inside most of the time when I'm alone. I feel like a husk. I'm so tired of going to school, where I get bullied pretty much all the time.

It's not that I hate my school. The teachers are nice, my friends are nice but.. it doesn't really do much.

Most of my school year so far has been just filled with being bullied.

At this point, most days there's only one thing that keeps me going. Not my friends or family, but someone very, very special to me.

And.. it's gotten really bad lately, this "relationship" I have with this person. I love him so, so damn much. Late September I confessed my feelings to him.

He doesn't feel the same.

And I haven't really.. accepted that. I've been.. really creepy. I do things to him I don't do to anyone else.. I say things to him that I don't say to anyone else.

And I'm scared, for him. I'm scared he'll get so tired of me and my bullshit that he'll block me. And I honestly wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I've developed extremely terrible attachment issues to this person. We met on Wattpad and just talked. I didn't see his face, he didn't see mind. We bonded over fictional crushes and fan-fiction.. and it was great and fine and normal.. Except I wasn't normal. I liked him back then.. a lot.

But then he disappeared. For 10 months.

10. Months. I suffered without him.

The whole reason I'm making this post is so I don't really say this to him, cause I don't want him to feel bad, or hate me. He left unwillingly.

He wrote smut and his parents found out and they grounded him.

But I thought he left because of me. That I was too creepy, too weird, too clingy. I thought he died. And.. I thought I was gonna move on, but nope. Early September he came back, and said he had moved to tumblr, here.

That's the whole reason I made this account, to talk to him.

To be friends again.

And it's been fine. We've been roleplaying a lot in our dms, but we always did what I wanted, which he got upset over because it wasn't fair. I didn't blame him.

But.. I thought he hated me. I thought he was gonna block me.

Some nights I would cry when he'd go offline for the night, others I'd just do something else.

But that night, I selfharmed. It was the third time I had over him. Not because I was mad at him, I was mad at myself.

I still feel like I deserved it, like it should've done something really bad, but I didn't.

I'm not okay without him, and I won't be okay without him.

Some days in the middle of school I think how he could just.. die. And I'd have no idea. He could just poof and be gone forever.

I still cry about that thought sometimes.

It doesn't help with my dad fucking sucking.

He makes me miserable. I get he's a single dad with anger issues, but he's not even trying to stop sometimes.

He smokes marijuana, which isn't terrible, but it's extremely illegal in our state.

My mom's alive, but she can't take care of me. I have a half brother and half sister, both of which are older than me.

They recently got evicted and I'm still worried about them.

And I feel unwanted by her. and by my siblings. I've tried so many damn times to just hangout and talk.

Y'know, be a family despite their situation.

I'm not asking for money either by the way, it's just what's going on.

I feel like a damn screw up all the time, like my entire family hates me. My friends hate me. My whole school hates me.

I hate myself.

I hate being alive, I hate everything and everyone, I just never say anything, because one, they'd yell at me, and two they'd be hurt. Because my feelings are invalid until I say something about them that's negative.

And I also live with my grandma. I love her, but she's been fucking driving me insane. I've had to help her with pretty much everything lately, and I get screamed at and called an asshole if I don't drop everything to help her in the next 10 seconds. And then she goes to her room and cries and I always have to apologize, even if I didn't even do anything.

And there's another thing.

I feel like I can't do a single damn thing without being judged.

Who I like, what I like, whatever.

What I eat, how I sleep, the stuff I watch.

The things I enjoy.

It's all judged and frowned apon by fucking everyone. They say they like me, but they don't fucking show it.

I'm so damn done being a people pleaser for everyone, but then if I'm not everyone hates me.

I can't control anything either. I know I'm still a child but I'm almost 13. My dad treats me like my input doesn't matter at all.

He's been trying to convince me to move out, when we don't have to.

He just wants to get away from my grandma, which is fair sometimes, but it's still mean.

He makes me feel like I don't matter, like I'm not a person. He's told me that basically my input doesn't matter cause I'm a child.

I'm so damn tired of everything and everyone.

I'm tired.

[bestworstcase]

Something about redemption is how some mistake humanizing people who've done some damn bad things (slavers, abusers, the worst you can imagine). That is, they might change but for now we're getting into the head of who has been framed by the show as "the worst." A descenter claimed that it's because we're tired of the news humanizing monsters and letting them get away with awful crimes, especially when they're people in power who'd get far more than a slap on the wrist otherwise. 1/

2/ Sorry if that sounded too vague. It's just a thought. We seem to like uncomplicated, easy-to-hate villains because we desire catharsis we never get in real life. Villains who are shown to be human in tandem with being despicable seem to feel like it's Fox News trying to make a martyr out of a monster.

it’s the christian hegemony

um my feelings on ‘redemption’ are pretty negative because conceptually it centers forgiveness as the mechanism for emotional and moral change (and in fiction very often skips over the actual. changing. to go straight to the absolution-through-forgiveness and gag if i wanted to read a morality play i would just read a morality play you feel me?)—ANYWAY

the thing about having a problem with news stories “humanizing monsters” is that the. the monsters in question ARE, in fact, human; human beings who chose to do terrible, depraved, repulsive things yes but to deny the humanity of evil people is to suggest that humans don’t have the capacity for evil, which we do. every person on this planet has the possibility of evil inside them and it doesn’t do anyone any favors to pretend otherwise. and while there is a legitimate and very widespread problem with human interest pieces and basic empathy being weaponized in a propagandistic fashion, the issue is not “humanizing monsters” it is entrenched systemic and personal bigotry that affords humanity only to members of the hegemonic classes. gkdhshk we fix it by challenging the dehumanization of marginalized victims, demanding empathy and acknowledgment of personhood for the people harmed by this, not by trying to expand the categories of people who don’t get to be human.

(also frankly a society that can’t hold someone accountable for evil acts without stripping away their humanity first is a society that is deeply, deeply sick.)

as it pertains to fiction and fandom redemption arc #discourse the whole discussion inevitably plays out like this:

AGAINST: this character did horrible things and is irredeemable! 😡 how can you even suggest letting them off the hook?!

FOR: but this character has suffered so much 🥺 don’t they deserve forgiveness?

AGAINST: no!! fuck this character! they deserve to be punished for what they did! [optional: insert unhinged revenge fantasy]

FOR: but this character’s past suffering is already punishment enough! 🥺 they deserve a chance to heal

AGAINST: what about all the people they hurt, huh? HUH? why should those people have to forgive this character just because this character had a bad life?

FOR: but this character just needs love and then they can be a better person 🥺

on and on and on. in every fandom. about every character. even the laundry list of irredeemable wrongs the “against” side always comes out with sooner or later tends to sound the same. eventually someone on the “for” team will bring up zuko and everyone against will produce a list of all the reasons this character isn’t like zuko and could never be zuko. kshfbsh fundamentally both sides of this argument agree that forgiveness is earned through punishment/suffering and the point of argument is always, always whether the villainous character has been sufficiently punished.

fun game: every time you encounter redemption arc discourse—whether for or against—start mentally replacing “redemption” and “forgiven” with the phrase “try to become a better person.” like: does cinder fall deserve redemption? does she deserve to try to become a better person?

see how that changes the meaning of the question? how it reframes the discussion such that the villainous character is no longer a passive receptacle for redemption or punishment or forgiveness but an active participant in their own character development? and how by focusing on the agency of the villainous character we place the onus for moral change on them rather than on the heroes?

does cinder fall deserve to be forgiven WHO CARES WHY DOES IT MATTER—but if she wants to do better? if she decides to crawl out of the darkness she’s burrowed herself into, what does that look like? what does she do? how can she atone for the terrible things she did? how do her changing goals and different choices shape the world she lives in and what do the other characters do in reaction to that? what does healing mean to her? if the possibility of her joining the heroes arises, how do the characters navigate that situation and the countless fraught, painful, contradictory emotions that it’s bound to inspire? like—hfbfks i’m using cinder as an example here because she’s the locus of most of the redemption discourse happening in the rwby fandom, but these are general questions. fundamentally i just don’t care about the bizarre moral calculus of whether a character’s personal suffering does or doesn’t outweigh their wrongdoing and entitle them to forgiveness.

tbh personally i don’t—i never have—find any catharsis in uncomplicated evil villains; like, they can be really FUN? love a character who’s just a complete fucking shitheel for no reason. and it can also be very satisfying to watch heroic characters defeat them, but for me that satisfaction is no different from the satisfaction of watching a character overcome any serious obstacle. like, uh—i got the same sense of satisfaction out of jaune grieving in front of pyrrha’s memorial as i did out of blake and yang taking adam down, you know? it’s about the culmination of the emotional arc, irrespective of whether there’s a bad guy to defeat or not.

(and then there’s also the secondary issue a lot of stories have of like, is this actually an uncomplicated evil monster or is this a character who challenges a legitimately bad status quo but the story is written by neoliberals so they’re also going to like shoot a baby or something so the audience will know that challenging the status quo is something only #evil people do?—or the subtler but no less obnoxious variant of is this actually an uncomplicated evil monster or is this just some guy who has been designated #evil for having goals that don’t align with what the protagonists want? nothing will get me to sympathize with a villain faster than a narrative double standard or a narrative that is constructing a cartoonishly evil strawman because it wants to wibble about how challenging systemic evil is even worse than systemic evil.)

hdjfhdjs not to say that people don’t or can’t feel catharsis over seeing villains get their comeuppance because plenty of folks do! it’s just a very big Can’t Relate thing for me haha

i just go wild for characters who are interesting, and what interests me is emotional complexity and dynamic character development. morality doesn’t really… come into it except for characters who have fraught relationships with their own morality, in which case the fraught internal conflict is what interests me irrespective of the actual moral inclination of the character. (this is also part of why redemption discourse exasperates me SO much; all ethical bones i have to pick with redemption conceptually aside, making forgiveness the focal point and fulcrum of change just totally ignores all the interesting junk in favor of treating the character like a static object and it’s BORING.)

[lyasthoughts]

Why do I feel like this . Noone cares about me not even my boyfriend noone check up on me no more noone is even trying to understand me all of them have someone already to replace me , am I that useless ?? do I really deserve this. I don't even think I want to be alive anymore I want to kill myself so bad or maybe jump off from a high hill or maybe I could just kill myself in the most tragic ways by slowly starving myself and making myself suffer slowly... I don't really want to live anymore I don't think noone even needs me no more fuck I miss the old me why do I have such a negative thoughts I feel like killing myself right now at this time this exact time man I can't even think straight I keep losing myself in my own mind while having so many words in it it's slowly making me insane I wish someone notice but I don't want them to notice I just want to hug someone so bad I hate having a heavy heart and the urge to cry every single day it's not making me feel sane and I hate getting mixed feelings by him . Am I getting love bombed?? Is he losing interest in me did he find another girl that's better than me ? I guess I deserves it . I'm weird and crazy anyways that's what he said lol. I'm mentally unstable emotionally and physically I can't even do a full attendance to school it's js keep getting worse fuck I hate myself I just want to run away and kill myself so people would finally care for me but I don't even think people is going to give a fuck if I'm gone anyways. I feel left out and I feel like I'm in a one sided relationship I tried so hard to be loyal for him and I tried so hard to ignore every guys who tried to confess to me I always cut them first before they confess to me so he won't get jealous but I don't know man. I think he don't like me anymore. I think he found someone else better and probably more prettier than me. I deserve it. Yeah noone give a fuck I think I'm going to relapse again tonight. I've been faking my smile , my laugh and giggles because I really don't feel anything anymore I can't even do it anymore all I do is just zone out randomly and start thinking and then tears coming out of my eyes I just , I really can't I swear everytime I see a sharp things or something that could kill me I feel like doing it I feel like killing myself I hate not saying anything but If I did noone cares anyways. If I die would anyone even care would anyone know it would anyone notice that I've been distancing myself from them ? Would the care I don't think so. Im better when I'm gone from the earth. I feel so miserable right now and noone knows , noone notice because I hid it so damn well that it's not even showing at all . My brain is slowly disappearing because of the thoughts that's eating it it's killing my brain , my mind. I wanna stab myself in the eyes and shoot my head and stab my heart so bad. I deserve nothing i. My whole body hurts especially my heart , it feels like it js got stabbed by a knife 57 times. Why am I even alive what is the purpose of me being alive ? Everyone could just replace me so easily it's not surprising I'm tired of being quiet but this is all I could say to my own self comforting myself with sadness. My room is very messy u can't even see the floor , I've been losing so much motivation that I don't even think that I could keep it up anymore , I feel like I can't move at all I feel the emptiness. I just can't . Do it anymore. I want to fucking kill myself.

[isitoctober212015yet]

im very well aware this is a mega hater post i know it is i get it..

but like idk at a certain point of someone constantly self flagellating about how theyre so bad and needing me to ass pat them every five minutes and always insisting even to other people w/ the same ass struggles they do that they have it the worst of all time nobodys ever had it as bad as them theyre always the victim because they have homework or have to be in a group project or god forbid follow a rubric for a college class assignment i start to just lose sympathy. im sorry but im tired of it. yeah sure fine, youll never make it in the industry, youll never make money, youll never be able to draw, youll never be happy or have any friends (said in the friends sever so...lmao) now the fuck what? whats ur plan o most tormented person alive?

like fuck man maybe not everyone is out to get you and you just gotta accept some of your short comings are your own damn fault. do you think this is being humble? because its not, its just a god complex ego but in a negative direction.

why do you keep telling everyone who is telling u outright they care about you and like your work theyre only lying to make u feel better and youre never going to succeed. why do youb want that to be the case so bad?

[golden-----hour]

28

5/2/23

Even right now as I type, the words feel wrong and my shoulders and forearms are screaming. Like a loud cramp or a squeaky balloon. I have to wrap a chain of self around it to even get the letters out (during this whole thing, I am checking Grindr and seeing if someone wants to fuck me because nothing else is exciting.) So I am going to keep writing until something surfaces. I am not happy, I do not know what that means I do not know what to talk about I rather be on my phone I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care. At the end of my.  I lie on the ground and eat too many sweets with my best friend with a headache. A cat meows outside at 12:00AM. Even the air is still. The night is time free from the engine of obligation. There is more. I am very bored reading my writing. I don’t know what it means to have a voice. I am afraid I am very boring. I think I might be very boring. I am so bored. Aren’t you bored? I don’t know why I am here. I don’t really care about that sentence either. I don’t know how to make people believe me. I am tired of “I.” My right arm is frustrated with the writing. My nerves hurt they want to scream so badly and they cannot scream. If not for anyone, then for whom? I don’t care about a community. 

Kurt Vonnegut says to experience becoming. Then, there must be some people who are simply better at being than others. My friend Chloe does not respond to my Happy Birthday text message which felt awkward to write. If I gather the right pieces together, I can make a real good puzzle- the image will appear. I give a damn about a metaphor. I submitted a 20 page paper yesterday and sang a Choir Concert. So what? My arms and legs are smoke stacks puffing soot and smog into the air. If I was someone else, my forearms might go and attack someone. The back of my neck is actually loud. If I do not listen to it, it might get louder. I am not the most special in any room. I pick my teeth with my nails. I conflate the abstract and the concrete. I bring myself home by smelling horrible. I don’t promise perfection. I make reality attractive. I spend too much money. I invest into doom as a concept. I think I can still write something worth another’s time. To think this may all be a thing because I am just lonely. I like stopping thoughts by asking, “define it?” or “What does it mean?” I found a poem in the shape of a body. I was 56% sad like a toy in a cereal box that is cherished for three seconds on one school morning. 

I THINK IN THE WORLD THERE ARE TOO MANY OBJECTS AND BODIES AND IDEAS AND IMAGES. I FIND IT PAINFUL PARSING THE MATERIALITY OF EXISTENCE. THE WRAPPER ON MY AIRHEAD BITES HAS A FEW MOMENTS LEFT UNTIL IT SITS ENTOMBED FOREVER. I SAW A STUFFED ANIMAL IN WALGREENS. IT WAS LIKE PRAYING IN A MCDONALDS. SOME SPACES ARE SO NEGATIVELY INHABITED THAT ANY HOMAGE TO THEIR PERMANENCE IS A FARCE. I MEAN, THIS BIG MAC WRAPPER CAN COME HOME WITH ME. THIS RECEIPT TOLD ME IT HAS A CRUSH ON THIS KETCHUP PACKET. THE FAST FOOD OF INFORMATION. POETRY WHICH IS SO EASILY UNDERSTOOD IT IS JUST WHITE BREAD. MANUFACTURED CONTENT, WORDS WE ALL KNOW, BRANDS WE RECOGNIZE. THE INCLINATION SOMETHING IS WRONG INITIATES IN YOUR HESITATION. 

I get a rose at the Spanish Honors Society meeting. There are 9 people in there and everyone’s eyes glance at something else. The big blank wall looks appetizing. Buzzing is supreme. I saw a few words in Spanish that don’t mean anything. Everyone is bored and itching. The projector flickers with the Spanish Honors Society insignia. No one is the most interesting or cares. I forget everything I’ve learned. In certain moments I cannot be saved. The silence is insidious. I write my stupid name in a book. The names in the book do not care. I take a photo I will never see. The seeing doesn’t do anything. I am congratulated for my hard work and my fierce intelligent. If my dreams fail, then what?

I see someone I do not particularly like. There is moving on. I am not in this passage at all. 

[lets-talk-spirituality]

hello, can i know what happened to my soul mate? May I know if have something to tell me?

What happened to them? Did you get a bad feeling?

Let’s see what I pick up.

I’m seeing black, dark purple, someone strumming a desk, like finger strumming, bored, hand holding up head, so tired, I almost thought I saw the dark because someone was asleep, I think this person is tired mentally and emotionally and spiritually, just beaten down a bit but it’s just they are exhausted, they need to rest, dragging feet, moving through molasses, everything feels heavy, just heavy, thud, fall to the ground tired, like pass out, they’re working themselves to death, to escape something, some feeling, loneliness, some issue, they are trying to outrun it but it’s running them down, I keep seeing a man, mid forties with thin hair, a black shirt, glasses, pale skin, looking down, out of shape, slumping— I don’t think this is your soul mate physically but this image is telling me the rate they are going is aging them, makes them look and seem older than they are.

Damn. Maybe something did happen to them? I’m just getting so much draining of their energy. Nonnie, if you can rest and do active rest exercises, this will help them. Also you can send them energy. Look at my spiritual healing post, but I think I talked about too, drawing energy from the earth and sending to someone, it’s the same method as spiritual healing. Lmk if you have questions. I think they need a boost so that will definitely help them.

Soulmate what do you want to say?

I’m so tired (exasperated, frustrated, whining almost) I’m just tired all the time, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m scared, anxious (about the state of the world, definitely they have some intense anxiety I’m picking up and maybe OCD as well, they are a control freak but like it’s from a place that needs healing) Everything seems so big and there’s so much to do (I’m seeing them frantically cleaning, meticulously, dusting over and over, I think they count, very mental, they aren’t saying much but I feel so much, they feel frantic, why are you frantic sm?) why shouldn’t I be frantic? Everything is going to shit and I can’t do anything about it! (There it is, the control issue) The planet is frying! I have no money, everyone’s in poverty, everyone’s getting sick, I can’t even fathom what’s going on with Ukraine (anxiety spiral, working themselves up) God! (Anger, I think boxing would help them release stress) And my boss is a fucking prick always breathing down my neck and my mom calls me all the time just to talk about all this horrible shit in the world and I have to reassure her (they got her same anxiety over the state of things, he has to emotionally soothe her but can’t soothe himself) And all my friends are too busy. We used to play football/rugby in the park but I haven’t seen them in weeks. I need a fucking beer. Shit. (Sits down) Sigh. I’m just so tired and I can’t keep going on like this. Something has to give and soon. I’m wearing thin. I know something has to change but I feel like I don’t have the power. I hope I find it. (They’re exhausted, going to bed).

Work Your light Oracle

Birthing a new age—birthing new creations, dreaming a new world into being

Oh yeah. They want them to quit their job and to focus on the world they want to see not the world that is. That will help them. You can try demonstrating this for them energetically. Aside—when we have a deep soul connection to someone, if we work on the thing plaguing them, it can help pull them out, especially if we are mirroring them by struggling in a similar way. If you can work to heal it in yourself, it helps heal it inside them too.

Druid Craft Tarot

Ace of Swords upright—clarity, success, clean break (auto corrected to clean freak which lol)

The opportunity to cut yourself free from outdated or negative attachments, the beginning of a phase of productive intellectual work, triumph in legal or academic fields, or in literature or science, a clean break that heralds a new beginning

It kills me when I do these readings and the cards reiterate everything I channeled. Like? They need to leave their job and deal with their anxiety they got from their mother, this will bring a new beginning and a peace of mind that allows them to focus more on what they want to achieve and will help them be more successful

The ace is like ace in the hole vibes, like the trick up the sleeve, in swords (air) it has to do with the mind, this person is smart as fuck but their overthinking and current mental processes are bogging down their capabilities and it’s why they are frustrated and not closer to what they want to achieve, the card shows a sword out of the water and I immediately think Arthurian legend when he pulls Excalibur from the rock, this persons mind needs to be freed from the rock so they can rise and claim their throne.

Prince of wands, upright— passionate, eager, rebellious

Enthusiasm for new ideas, enjoying travel and adventure, relishing challenges and meeting new people, a need to work on reliability, attention to detail, commitment, may indicate moving house, putting ideas into action or meeting interesting people

As soon as I saw this card I felt this is the energy they are moving into. The image shows a guy riding a horse, presumably into battle, they need to fight for their throne and after dealing with their mental hang ups they will feel new enthusiasm to explore again, that’s the commitment thing, they need to spend some time without a serious partner or commitment so they can put this idea they have into action, if they quit their job and can free their mind, it will give them the rest to meet new people which can expand what they are trying to accomplish

To me the prince is a young adult where the page is a teenager or child and the king is an adult. Wands are fire energy, so I think like an immature Aries energy fits this card very well.

Hope this helps! Let me know if it resonates. Good luck to your soulmate. You can help them by getting your own energy right.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #084

What type of survey do you refuse to take? Bold ones, they bore me. Is your dog mixed or full? Cookie is a fullbreed chihuahua. Who was the last person you kissed? My boyfriend Girt. Do you own a pair of brass knuckles? Nope. Would you take back your last boyfriend/girlfriend? Over my dead fucking body. Things she has said are absolutely unforgivable to me. I refuse to associate with her ever again.

Did you babysit for money when you were in middle school? No, but I did once for my neighbor in high school. How did you get your last bruise? I got my updated tetanus shot around a couple weeks ago, and while I didn't visually have a bruise on my arm, I could absolutely feel it if I applied pressure there. If you could go to Africa, would you? Without a shadow of a fucking doubt. I'm seeing South Africa one day. How often do you see your most recent ex? We live many states away, soooo never. Do you think you have made a difference in anyone’s life? I believe this is pretty much inevitable for any human with even a scrap of a social existence. How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? His birthday was just two months ago, so it's a while off, but 30. What letter does your boyfriend/girlfriend’s last name start with? "M." Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? I am absolutely not blaming him for this, this is my own mentality that I allowed to take hold, but I've felt that way ever since Jason left. I'm still convinced I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. I just always feel like I take up space in a negative way and that's it. Do chickens have feelings? Oh, I absolutely believe they do. Chickens are more intelligent than people give them credit for. When was the last time you saw your father? At Thanksgiving. Is it hard leaving people behind? It is fucking excruciatingly hard for me. Like I know it's hard for everyone, but to my degree is just abnormal. What was the last zoo you visited? Asheboro, NC. Do you like crime films and tv shows? Not especially. I mean I don't want to say "no," because I believe I'm perfectly capable of getting into a story like this, but I don't like focusing on tragic and traumatic focuses like this when watching stuff. What colour is the bra you’re wearing? I don't have one right now. I'm home with just my mom in my pjs so I don't care. Is there anything in your possession that probably shouldn’t be? No. Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? Hell no bro I'd cry at every case while arguing lmfao What was the last type of soda you drank? Uhhhh I think it was Coke? Is there a person you talk to every day? At the bare minimum it's always Mom and Girt. Does one of your parents ever complain to you about the other parent? My mom does that about Dad to a fucking ridiculous degree. By this point in time she's MOSTLY learned if you've got decades-old shit to bring up about him, then don't talk to me about it at all, but she still likes to and I know damn well she wants my sisters and me to hate him. It's blaringly obvious. She's bitter as hell and I get it, but... come on. It's been so, so long since they split. My dad, on the other hand, usually only says GOOD shit about Mom, like how loyal, good, and dedicated of a mother she is. Does your best friend have a job? Yeah, he's been at the same tire factory for like... nine years, I think. What is one thing you hope never changes about you? My love of animals and dedication to spreading the good word about them and stuff. Why did you break your last promise? Because keeping your "friend's" Nazism a secret from people who absolutely deserve(d) to know is not morally okay in my book. When was the last time you had cookies and milk? This was actually kinda recently, when Mom had Oreos left over from a recipe she'd made. Is there anyone you know with an amazing personal success story? Sara's dad's story is honestly quite impressive. He's a very good guy. Everyone has a certain part of their body they don’t like. What’s yours? Literally my entire fucking body. Worst are my stomach and legs, though. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah, I think a couch is a pretty normal place for that to end up happening. Has your name been in someone’s Facebook status lately? Only to tag me to see something. Do you prefer to eat carrots raw or cooked? I hate carrots, period. Do you get a lot of tourists in the area where you live? Oh, hell no. There is not a single interesting thing about this area. What artistic medium or style seems to have the greatest impact on you emotionally? Photography that focuses on suffering, probably. Like my favorite photo in the world is that one where a young, emaciated boy in a third-world country is seen curled up on the ground and a nearby vulture is observing him, seemingly literally waiting for him to die. They're upsetting photos to look at, of course, but they drive me the hardest to help make the world better. If you make art, do you have a favorite medium or style that you prefer to use or that best helps you express yourself emotionally? Even if I don't do it nearly enough, that would be drawing ventful artwork traditionally, pretty much always where my feelings are personified as a fucked-up meerkat of some sort. What was the last new video game you were excited about? I last watched some new release stuff for the remake of Resident Evil 4 and I am so, SO beyond hyped for that fucking game. The original was my first RE experience and I cherish it very much. [PROBS VERY TMI] Have you ever broken a bed or other furniture during sex? not exactly sex itself but yes lmao BUT not like, severely. Would you play naked Twister? No, not even if I was confident in my body. That's too far for me to be even remotely comfortable. When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated? Cremated and ashes spread in the same area of Yellowstone that I'm hoping to place Teddy's. Both of these will of course need permission though. What’re three physical features you get complimented on a lot? THREE? Oh, jeez. Uh. My hair is probably number one, then #2 is my Markiplier tribute tattoo. Then I guess uh... my eyes? Maybe? Who’s a current friend that you’ve known the longest? Mazzy. What video games did you play when you were growing up? The Spyro trilogy was my favorite, but I also played lots of Crash Bandicoot and then games that were based off kiddy movies and shows. Oddly enough, I also loved hunting games, even though even then I would NEVER have harmed an animal irl. To this day I don't quite know why I enjoyed them, though there's one I've played as an adult that I liked because it relaxed me?? Idk bro. What's the most stressful job you've ever had? Probably sales clerk at the dollar store. I was INCREDIBLY stressed when I had to be the cashier. Do you have a first aid kit at home? Well yeah, I hope everybody does. That's important. How many places have you lived in your life? Legally/officially, five houses, but I've also stayed in two apartments for brief periods. Are your parents dog or cat people? Is that different or the same as you? I'm pretty sure both are dog people (I KNOW Mom is), however since living with his wife, Dad has only had cats, but I feel like he clicks with dogs more, but I could be wrong. Are there sounds that bother you on a visceral level? Absolutely vomiting. I know nobody likes it, but I literally cannot stand it. I WILL puke myself. If somebody is doing it, I am immediately and quickly leaving or violently plugging my ears. Are you inside right now? If you're home, what room of the house are you in? Yeah, I'm in the spare room. Did you/will you have coffee or some other form of caffeine today? Most likely not. Do you bathe your pets regularly? No; a ball python really doesn't need it unless they're dealing with stuck shed, Roman is a cat so does fine cleaning himself (plus he's an indoor animal, so), and Cookie is a tiny little chihuahua that stays inside too so is really never dirty. Coincidentally just the other day though, my mom did dry shampoo her. When you listen to music with headphones, do you keep the volume low enough to hear surrounding noise faintly, or do you blast it? I gotta be honest, I blast it. It annoys my mom a lot because I very frequently won't hear her calling me. Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish? Yeah, a few. Do you have a friend named Nick? What’s his favourite food? No, but that's my sister's husband's name, and I can't stand him. I don't know or care what his favorite food is, honestly. What is the best product made from milk? Ice cream. How would you feel if your husband didn’t want to wear a wedding ring? That would make me suspicious, honestly. Unless the ring was seriously uncomfortable. What do you want your wedding song to be? I'm not entirely certain yet. I've got ideas, but nothing official. True/false: if it’s meant to be, it will be. False. I don't believe in "meant to be"s. Do you feel like your life would be better without a certain person in it? Not with the people currently in my life. I don't think. You go to the restroom and you see a huge spider, what do you do? I'd be nervous, but try to find a way to safely get it outside without touching it directly. Is there a game you’re addicted to? No. I'm playing WoW more than usual because the new expansion literally just dropped, but I haven't been addicted to the game in years. As a child what celebrity did you look up to? Steve Irwin. I still plan on getting a comic book popup-like tattoo of "crikey!" one day, probably on my left forearm. He was my fucking hero and idol. What books are you reading? I just finished Wings of Fire: Escaping Peril yesterday, and I plan on starting The Testaments by Margaret Atwood next because I HAVE that one and Ma doesn't want to order a new book 'til Christmas. Do you remember the person you first kissed? I genuinely doubt even dementia or other conditions of the sort could ever let me forget him, too. Jason is fucking hard-wired into my brain and probably always will be. What does your best friend call you? "Britt," alongside various pet names. How many people would you say you’ve been “serious” with? Three. Do you ever get goodnight or good morning texts from people? Sometimes from Girt, but over Discord instead of texting. If you could choose to be any mythical character, which would you choose? Probably a dryad or faerie of some sort. Do you find yourself on YouTube a lot? I basically live on YouTube. Something is always on. Are you satisfied with your gender? Yeah, my gender has never really mattered to me. The term carries no weight for me personally so I just identify with my biological sex. Has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality? Even before I came out, yes. I had an awful therapist in middle school who assumed I was lesbian, and I shit you the fuck not it was only because I hadn't liked anyone romantically yet. I WAS A KID. Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? I mean I don't like it, but it's whatever. What would you say is your favorite type of flower? I think light pink tulips beat even orchids for me.

[phoenixyfriend]

OKAY so on the topic of Star Wars takes wrt “character ends up in an A/B/O universe where they’re an omega, but they were previously a cis male in their canon”

@atagotiak and I had some Thoughts on discord

So, obviously, Anakin would make a good omega and he’s also incredibly murdery. Foregone conclusion that we're using him for this.

There is no preexisting Anakin in the Omegaverse. He shows up JUST as the war is starting. Canon timeline is in the third year of the war (he’s 22), but whatever dumped him into omegaverse also tossed him back a few years. No de-aging, just a bit of mismatched timeline stuff.

He's... really good at war, and clearly a Jedi, so the Temple just kind of goes "WELL OKAY THEN, SURE, YOU'RE IN, EVERYONE PRETEND HE'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME." The Jedi, by and large, don't care about omegaverse dynamics beyond 'what do you need, medically, to be happy and healthy' and 'what do you need to be aware of so you can be prepared for biases you encounter in the field?’

None of the civilian natborns (mainly politicians) want to put him on the field because of those biases. Anakin, being Anakin, is VERY blatantly an omega in scent, has never been on suppressants (because it wasn't a thing he fucking NEEDED), is incredibly emotional as a person, loves kids, etc.

Like, nobody wants an omega fighting a war anyway, but THIS one is like PINNACLE omega, and those awful Jedi are making him FIGHT just because he's good at stab!

The Jedi: Actually, it's because he's got several years of war experience that we don't, and he's a good tactician that works well with the clones-- Coruscant: You MONSTERS The Jedi: Look, we gave him the option to not stab and he looked absolutely devastated. Anakin, several days earlier: You don’t want me? I’m not good enough??? Jedi: Also he can beat up at least half the temple.

He doesn't know a damn thing about dynamics, but he DOES know that sometimes he's so horny he wants to stab HARDER. The clones are largely disinterested in their generals' dynamics because between mostly-Mando* trainers and no-dynamic Kaminoans, they only really care if a person can shoot.

* Mandalore approves of Fighty Omegas. As far as (traditional) Mandalore is concerned, you want an omega that will kill the threats to your children as well as you do.

Anakin: You know more about being an omega than I do. Rex: ...I'm an alpha. Anakin: Yeah. Let that one sink in a bit.

We have two options for Obi-Wan!

Omegaverse local Obi-Wan (beta) has never met this man before, and is very unnerved that the immediate default reaction Anakin has to his presence is releasing Family pheromones as if Obi-Wan is his DAD and like. This strange, too-tall man from another dimension has got absolutely NO control over what he projects in the Force OR in his dynamic.

Obi-Wan was ALSO transplanted from canon to omegaverse, and is also an omega, for contrast reasons. He is nice and friendly and and likes poetry and that sort of thing... but also he has the highest dismemberment count in the movies. Also he doesn’t prioritize romance.

We went with the second one because it's hilarious.

Someone watching them spar: Wow, omegas from that universe are terrifying.

As previously mentioned, now with some tweaking to account for both: Obi-Wan and Anakin just straight up don't exist until they drop headfirst into the council room, already covered in blood. (It's mostly not theirs.)

Nobody realizes either one is an omega until they "naturalize" to this dimension and Anakin goes into heat... and doesn't realize it, actually, because his primary symptom is heightened protectiveness and aggression. Everyone else with the right nose realizes, because the man has no control over his pheromone production, but Anakin? No. He just stabs. He’s angry and horny and he will cut someone.

Ahsoka has no reaction to human pheromones but basically everyone smells Anakin's "my child!" reaction to her, so... Cool. Have a padawan, we guess.

Anakin ends up sparring a lot with Aayla and Ahsoka, because only humans and near humans have dynamics, so these two don't REACT to the pheromones situation.

(Palpatine is a Kindly Old Beta who tries to treat Anakin the way he EXPECTS Anakin wants to be treated, which is. Not. Accurate.)

(Anakin hates it.)

I'm just so in love with "An omega can't fight." "You wanna fuckin' bet?"

There are plenty of omega Jedi, by the way, it's just... most of them can keep it relatively low-key instead of Anakin's jet-engine broadcast. Some, if they're known to be omega, probably take advantage of being underestimated, like Obi-Wan probably (and especially a version of Obi-Wan that was always an omega, unlike this version). They have a very different way of presenting themselves than Anakin, who's not subtle about being an omega and also not subtle about being all aggressive and stabby.

At one point, Anakin has to protect some Very Traditional Individuals who get all "Stay back, Omega, it's not safe!" and he's just... so tired of this shit. “You are squishy civilians and I'm a trained Jedi Knight and accomplished GAR General who's killed more people in one sitting than there are in this entire palace. Sit the fuck down and let me do my job.”

It starts making the rounds that Anakin insisted on fighting in person, and the rumors shift from "how dare the Jedi force an omega to fight" and over into things that are deeply hurtful in-universe in the vein of "broken omega" and some people try to say it to his face but like...

He didn't grow up here.

He doesn't care.

Say that to one of his friends and he's going to rip out your spleen, probably, but say it to him and he's just staring at you flatly and asking if that's a negative on getting away from the encroaching battle droids, sir?

"You're rather unpleasant for an omega, aren't you?" [deeply offensive] "I literally could not give less of a fuck about your opinion. Move."

It's not that there aren't omegas that act like Anakin, either, it's just that most of them aren't, you know, Jedi who regularly interact with the upper crust, or capable of his level of destruction. Unbeknownst to Anakin, everyone clocks him as Outer Rim based on his behavior, well before his accent gives him away, and certainly before he mentions he's from Tatooine, because Core Omegas Don't Act Like That.

Someone they meet in a more diplomatic setting says something decently passive-aggressive about how at least Obi-Wan acts more like how an Omega should. Then a battle breaks out for some reason, and... well. Anakin and Obi-Wan cause such a scandal by keeping score of kills in a battle, don’t you know?

Turns out sending Anakin to fight Ventress is great because she keeps expecting him to react a certain way but NO he's here to STAB.

I like the idea that Obi-Wan's favorite opponent these days is Grievous because the cyborg doesn't have a nose, and thus gives zero fucks about dynamics or heats. Dooku is a rich old man who has opinions heavily influenced by Sith Juice Making Him More of a Dick, and the Dathomiri can smell dynamics even if they don't have them, and so they have biases about those things. Meanwhile, Grievous is just there to Kill, and Obi-Wan genuinely appreciates the lack of commentary on his dynamic.

Dooku’s probably an alpha, or a beta who's used the whole "we are more level-headed" thing as one of several angles to keep himself the public face and supreme commander of the CIS.

On to more fluffy things that have less to do with political biases.

There's a lot of "I'm upset that my loved ones don't know me," but also please understand the appeal of Obi-Wan marching up to Quinlan like "Yes, hello, I understand you've been read in on the full situation behind myself and my former padawan. I was close friends with your alternate universe self, which I feel is necessary disclosure before I propose the following: Would you like to join me for my upcoming heat, as I have minimal experience with the dynamics situation and even fewer people I actually trust, and I believe I can put my faith in you to treat it as casually as necessary while still having control and respect for my person."

(The Team is in a fairly safe place to process stuff, but having sudden unexpected changes to your biology has gotta be a little traumatizing, on top of ending up in a universe where none of your friends know you and people have a whole host of unfamiliar forms of sexism to point at you.)

Obi-Wan, who wasn't quite touch-averse but was much more easily overwhelmed by physical contact than Anakin (who craved it), suddenly finds his body switching gears and insisting on cuddles with Trusted Loved Ones, which is.... mostly Anakin, on account of nobody else really knowing him yet. Also Ahsoka, who is aware that she's something of a replacement for her alt-universe self, but Anakin explained it as "I love you so much no matter which dimension I'm in or what you're like, and I'd like to get to know you the way I got know her."

(It's rather eloquent for Anakin. He got Obi-Wan to help him draft up the script for when he pitched taking on omegaverse Ahsoka as a padawan.)

Anakin gets a more intensely sexual heat than 'usual' at one point for Reasons (IDK it could be as innocuous as 'we got better food than the usual rations and my body is reacting to the higher fat content with the belief that it's safer to have a baby now'), which nobody takes a whole lot of notice of because they're in a WAR, and also this is only his fourth one so it's not like he's got a lot to compare it to... except then the predominantly alpha clones can't stop themselves from reacting to the pheromones, mostly by wandering past his door and asking if he needs anything, offering up alpha-scented blankets and stuff for the nest to soothe the hormones, bringing snacks and electrolyte drinks, and like, Anakin is flattered, really, but fuck off please.

(He got a warning from medical a few hours before it hit that it would be different, so he actually does have alpha-scented fabrics to help him out. Apparently that's a thing you can just ask friends for, so he asked Rex if he had anything on hand that he could spare. He now has one of Rex’s recently-used sheets and a bodyglove in the nest.)

(Anakin has no idea how to feel about the nesting instinct, but at least it’s warm.)

Tia asked "Oh hey, who has the scared and horny reaction to his carnage?" and like.

Listen. I'm not saying I've been low-key imagining this as Rex being a very subby alpha who's really into Anakin's whole Thing but...

At one point Anakin gets injured in a way that requires painkillers and he ends up whining to the point of almost crying about the fact that nobody is cuddling him right now in medbay and Kix just gives up and comms Ahsoka to come hug her weird older brother.

And Then There Is Purring.

That’s a Thing Now.

Rex ends up in the pile somehow. He came over to check on Things and ended up yanked in by half-asleep, half-high Anakin, who has a grip like an octopus and no impulse control and is purring like a pod motor while NUZZLING HIM.

There’s a lot of blackmail photos featuring Rex’s very intense blush as he’s cuddled by his commander (giggling at him) and general (clinging like a tooka and rubbing himself all over).

Anakin is deeply offended that ANYONE thinks he'd want to get pregnant by just any old person, NO he needs to fall in LOVE there needs to be EMOTIONAL DRAMA and if Padme won't have him (apparently she's in a relationship and no he's not BITTER) then he'll find someone else to have a whirlwind romance with!

People think Anakin's a slut because he can't control his pheromone production (he has NO practice and for health reasons he can't go on suppressants) so he always smells open and ready for flirtations, which Obi-Wan also has to a somewhat lesser degree (he's older so his body just naturally produces less), and then someone tries to cross a boundary and grabs his ass and ANYWAY Anakin has to now fill out an incident report for breaking a civilian's arm.

Again.

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

So... spoilery review of MoM after the cut (and you know me, it's going to get long).

I have like a thousand thoughts about this movie. My main concern was Stephen's characterization and that was fine, I liked it and they didn't ruin it which leaves me satisfied. But everything else? It felt like a punch in the gut.

So I have a lot of negative thoughts but let's start with the good ones first.

The Positives

Stephen's characterizarion is fine. He's snarky, he's kind, he's brave, he's so prepared to always help and be of assistance, he's such a diva with the way he left the wedding and changed into his robes mid-air, he's sweet and amazingly selfless (and I'm tired of no one ever acknowleding that in the movies, well, except America maybe). I love him dearly - and OMG that reverence to Wong? I had a huge smile on my face when he did that, that's my boy! (Come on, tell me again how arrogant he is).

I LOVED America. Every single scene she was in, oh she's absolutely wonderful. I really hope we'll see her again because she's fantastic. Her portals opening in the form of a star was pretty cute, too.

I'm happy they kept Wong as the Sorcerer Supreme, by the way. All hail Wong!

They mentioned Donna. They did. Oh boy, they did, I'm so happy. I was expecting a flashback or something but I would have probably shed tears so it's better that way.

Regarding the Illuminati, what a waste. Easily forgotten but this is the positive part of the post so I'll just say that I loved how Charles ignored everyone and showed some faith in Stephen (about damn time someone does!) and he said the line, he said the line™! (Not to be too nitpicky here but uh, Stephen didn't stumble and he didn't lose his way either so the line doesn't really make any sense since it doesn't apply to him but I'll let that slide because I LOVE that line).

And I'm going to put this in the positive side of things because I'm petty as all hell: I saw Peggy die after she said a bunch of words that DO NOT BELONG TO HER. And it was wonderful. I (silently) clapped in fact. Yes, I hate her. And yes, I was alone and no one saw me doing it lol

I suspect Charlize is Clea, right? I'm looking forward to that. Charlize Theron and Benedict Cumberbatch? YES PLEASE.

The Negatives

I had been tagging my posts for months with "Keep Waldron away from Stephen" for a damn reason. And I was right. At least there's a silver lining to it all: he didn't ruin Loki because he hated him, he ruined Loki because Waldron is a terrible writer.

First off, I will never forgive them for healing his hands.

(So as it turns out I was wrong about his hands and they didn't fix them which makes me very happy. What I wrote in this 1st part is removed now)

Second, I knew Waldron wouldn't understand his relationship with Christine. It's one of the BEST things about DS1, that they love each other so much but know they can't be together, it works in the origin movie because they arrive at a mutual understanding together - and they still keep that love for each other no matter what happens. But of course how the hell is Michael "kiss your fucking sister" Waldron going to understand platonic love? And friendship? Of course he doesn't! They spent the whole freaking movie linking Stephen's happiness to Christine which is so damn frustrating as if he couldn't find happiness in so many other ways, with any kind of relationship, through achievements, etc.

Especially when in the end they're not going to end up together anyway! What's the point, then? If you want to explore why Stephen isn't happy then do it, go back and truly dive deep into his life because the answer is right there. They mentioned Donna, and that's fine, but what about also talking about how that hurt him, changed him, shaped him, why he doesn't have any friends not even in Kamar-Taj, to the point of going to the wedding alone, not telling Wong about it either... you want to talk about his lack of happiness? That's awesome! But why is it that the only way Waldron refers to it is through (lack of) romance?

Third, the whole damn movie I kept thinking that Wanda was going through another WandaVision and Stephen was being given the Loki treatment. Wanda has no fucking arc whatsoever, she keeps saying "my boys" every 2 minutes when at the end of her series she understood what she had done was wrong and she has never wanted to hurt people willingly! Look, I really would love a chat with Waldron to explain to him the difference between morally grey vs villain because he doesn't get it. And at the end she's killed? Oh no, worse, she kills herself?

What's the point of her wanting to travel to the multiverse to her boys when she could just create another Hex with just her and her kids? And her descend to villainy is so sudden, as well. She left Westview accepting that she had been wrong, taking responsibility for it, apologizing for it, and she left to be alone with the Darkhold. And yes I know it corrupts people (I remember AoS and Aida) but still, Wanda was NEVER a villain. And if the point they wanted to make was that the book had corrupted her they could have done it so much better.

Also, I was under the impression Wanda was a Nexus being? I'm probably wrong but I was surprised there were variants of her in the multiverse.

And speaking of variants... Stephen's variants they're all evil, on the top of being arrogant of course, we shall never forget calling him that in every movie otherwise people might forget. And that chat with the Illuminati where they were basically telling him he's a piece of shit because the Stephen of their universe did something wrong... uh so are we blaming 616 Stephen for shit the 838 Stephen had done? It's the Loki series all over again!

Fourth, Peggy freaking Carter again. Look, it's a damn insult to Steve's character that they gave her his "I can do this all day". Shame on Feige, on Marvel, on Waldron, and anyone who had a say on that. How dare you give that line to a woman who willingly hired a nazi who had tortured and ruined Bucky's life to work for Shield and the American government. How dare you take that line from a man who spent his life fighting fascism and defending civil rights and protecting the weak and give it to someone who worked with nazis. Oh and they called her the first Avenger!

Fifth and last. Queer rep, huh? Absolutely non-existent. Well, America says she had two moms, that's what Disney and Marvel call representation. It's unacceptable that America Chavez, a character who has been a huge icon for the queers, has her sexuality completely erased in this movie. Not a damn word.

No wait, there's another, sixth. Stephen can read sanskrit but I'm supposed to believe he doesn't speak nor understand Spanish? Don't make me laugh.

There's probably more I haven't mentioned but this got long enough. Overall I'll give the movie a 5/10 only for not ruining Stephen's characterization + because I love America + both Christines were absolutely wonderful + Wong is still the Sorcerer Supreme. No more than 5 because Stephen is not the centre of the story and he's sidelined for the most part, and they turned Wanda into something she's not.

And one last thing that's not related to MoM but I feel like sharing: they showed the L&T teaser and the new Avatar trailer. The latter got a higher cheer than the former. Make of that what you wish...