#but fuck i hate amazon with a burning passion

[grungepoetica]

yes twitch is dying from its own greed. yes i despise amazon as a company. yes i want to get a twitch account and i am fighting the urge every goddamn day. these things can coexist

[lastoneout]

long angry ad rant below feel free to ignore I haven't eaten today

My favorite thing about the advertising industry is that you can't even fucking protest it if you're a creator. Like I'm a twitch streamer, right? It's literally my job. I don't make anywhere near enough to live off of it but I'm disabled so I can't work and every couple of months Twitch throws $100 at me so yeah, it's my job.

And Twitch kinda sells itself on the concept that you can decide how you run your channel. You can choose when to run ads and what types, be they pre-roll or mid-roll or banner ads, and you can use the allure of ad-free viewing as a way to get people to subscribe. You can stream basically whatever for however long and control when your vods are saved and clips and your channel layout and all that. Freedom of choice, right?

Well here's the thing, you actually don't have a choice. At least when it comes to ads.

I hate ads with a burning passion. I get offers for sponsorships through streamelements pretty often and tbh I don't care for any of the products so I don't take them(bcs I have always had a personal policy that I will only take ads for products I actually like and I sure don't fucking like any of these). I have watched my viewers complain about mid-roll ads interrupting my stream right when I'm answering a question or when something interesting happens(and this has also happened to me on other channels and yeah it sucks). I have had my long time viewers complain about pre-roll ads, and several other streamers I look up to have confirmed that pre-roll ads tend to scare new viewers off and make them bail on raids. I've had people I know irl say they bail on raids bcs of pre-roll ads. Banner ads are the least intrusive but they still are annoying at get in the way, and ofc with all ads I have literally no say in what gets shown, which means I could unknowingly subject my viewers to triggering content and I REALLY hate that idea.

And, to top it all off, in the like almost two years I've been an affiliate I've made like...probably less than $15 on ads. They are such a miniscule portion of my revenue that it's laughable.

So, as running my twitch channel is basically like running a buisness for me, I decided the downsides to running ads FAR outweigh any upsides, and that I was far more likely to gain new viewers(and new subscribers) if I got rid of them.

You can't turn ads off. I can turn off mid-roll and banner ads, and if I run a mid-roll ad I get like...a ten minute grace period where no pre-rolls will be shown, but there is NO way to completely turn them off. (Plus Twitch has gone out of it's way to make ad blocker basically completely fucking useless on it's site like I have two and I'm on Firefox and I still get ads.)

And I've seen the argument that Twitch HAS to run ads on everyone's channels bcs that's how they make money, but if so it's kinda FUCKED that streamers get barely anything for them(and also that they run a solid 30 seconds to a minute of ads by default and you can't control that either). Apparently there's a 50/50 split but you have to run a bazillion ads to actually get anything for them. Plus Twitch also takes like 50% of our sub money ANYWAY so from where I'm standing it makes more sense to give channels the option to focus on subs over ads especially when we have PROOF that too many ads are scaring off potential subscribers.

(Plus Twitch is run by Amazon so it's not like they're broke and they were perfectly profitable back when they had WAY less ads so I don't buy the "we have to make money" argument on this one like I do on tumblr. And I'm not the only one complaining, lots of big name Twitch streamers have been talking about how it's bullshit that Twitch is pushing us all to run more and more ads instead of just letting us focus on subs. It hasn't always been this way.)

But nah, fuck us I guess.

And you might say "okay move to YouTube then" but YouTube requirements for monetization(not just ads, they lock superchats behind it too) are way harder to reach than Twitch's, and besides one thing that has ALWAYS pissed me off about YouTube is that when you go to channels that for sure don't qualify for monetization without ad blocker on, guess what! YouTube is running ads on the videos anyway!! I don't like that at all!!

The only way to completely get away from ads would be to ditch my affiliate status, which would mean I can't have custom emotes or subscribers or channel points, all of which are basically crucial for making your stream profitable, or to build my own fucking website from the ground up and pay for it myself which like, obviously I can't do that. (Or idk use tumblr live or tiktok but like...no.)

I mean tbh I hate ads so much at this point I'd fucking pay Twitch if it meant I could completely turn them off. Like here take the lost revenue it's clearly only like $2 a month anyway.

And I mean, I don't want to shame channels who do run ads, I get it, we all need to make money, but it's just SO fucking infuriating that there's basically no way to completely opt out of them. I don't want to make my viewers watch ads, I don't want anything on my channel that I wouldn't want to watch myself!! It's gotten to the point where I straight up encourage people to use ad blockers on my channel bcs I just don't want them to see ads, and tell them of they feel bad about it a single $2 donation is more than I'd make in ads all year so that's a better way to support me.

Anyway sorry for the long vent I've just been so pissed about this. And again not trying to shame any streamers who do run ads, I mean clearly we don't have a choice but also I get that people need the money more than I do, I just really fucking wish I could have a choice on this one.

[alongtidesoflight]

real talk i hate google with a burning passion

having to go to the second page of google used to be a meme but nowadays if i want to find useful forum advice i have to scroll past endless pay-to-view news articles, useless think pieces i simply did not ask for rn, facebook, instagram and twitter, three amazon shopping suggestions, ads and finally just tack the dumb fucking okay please find me all the reddit threads "reddit" tag onto my search query

and i guess what i'm saying here is use any search engine but google if you can

[jasper-pagan-witch]

An Itemized List of My Spellbooks

Y'all know the drill by now - these are listed in alphabetical order for your convenience, and they're in height order for my convenience. Books for potions/drinks also wind up in this section. If I've written a review about any particular book, I'll link it.

A Spellbook for the Seasons. Author: Tudorbeth. Publisher: Edison Books Limited. Additional notes: I DON'T RECOMMEND THIS BOOK AT ALL. I ACTIVELY HATE THIS BOOK. Here's why.

A Tea Witch's Grimoire. Author: S M Harlow. Publisher: Amazon. Additional notes: Review here. I'm not at all impressed with this one.

Blackthorn's Botanical Brews. Author: Amy Blackthorn. Publisher: Weiser Books. Additional notes: I'm still working through reading this book. It's not garbage so far.

Ozark Mountain Spell Book: Folk Magic & Healing. Author: Brandon Weston. Publisher: Llewellyn. Additional notes: I would like to thank Missouri Evergreen for having Brandon Weston's other book for me to check out and read before I got both of these. I would have done the same for this book, but it was so new at the time that it was still protected by the "it's not allowed to travel out of county until it turns 6 months old" lock. I really enjoy this book and it's helping me learn about and appreciate folk magic.

Pastel Spells. Author: Rose Orriculum. Publisher: Amazon. Additional notes: Review here. Baneful-focused additions my beloveds.

Pestlework. Author: Bree NicGarran. Publisher: Amazon. Additional notes: Review here. While I haven't worked much with powders and oils, I will be using this once I dip my toe in. Baneful-focused additions my beloveds.

Potions, Elixirs & Brews. Author: Anais Alexandre. Publisher: Watkins. Additional notes: I have the notes for the book review on a post-it note in the front, though I've never published it yet. Despite its several issues, this is probably the one that I recommend as far as drinkable potions go.

Spell Jar Book For Beginners: 60 Enchanting Spells to Focus Your Power and Unleash the Magic. Author: Paige Vanderbeck. Publisher: Rockridge Press. Additional notes: I hate this book for many reasons. Saying not to appropriate and then turning around and appropriating DIRECTLY from hoodoo. Listing oils and inks as "spell jars" in the back. STARTING OFF THE INTRODUCTION by saying that the "most famous spell jar in history" isn't a jar (Pandora's box) and then turning around and admitting that, yes, it was a jar- I hate this book. I hate this book so much.

The Goodly Spellbook: Olde Spells for Modern Problems. Authors: Lady Passion, High Priestess and *Diuvei, High Priest of Coven Oldenwilde. Publisher: Sterling Ethos. Additional notes: Lots of people have gotten mad about this stupid fucking book, even me. It's stupid, appropriative, racist, uses the G-slur in place of Romani like there's no tomorrow, fatphobic, ableist, fetishistic- I hate this book with a burning passion. It doesn't even list spells until well past halfway through the book, it's more about this Gardnerian Wiccan coven preaching that its practice is the only right practice. Fuck 'em with a tin can and a cactus.

The Sisters Grimmoire: Spells and Charms for Your Happily Ever After. Authors: Bree NicGarran (with help from Anna in the first edition). Publisher: Amazon. Additional notes: Review here. If you can only get one spellbook here, I recommend this one.

Zodiac Spells: Easy Enchantments and Simple Spells for Your Sun Sign. Author: Lexa Rosean. Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin. Additional notes: I don't hate this book with a burning passion, but I sure don't recommend it. You can tell that it came out in 2002.

[seththemusehub]

last post got a bit too long to update without being ridiculously cumbersome, and I am feeling a particular brand of anxious again, so time to make a new post, I think.

I’m Seth. I’m a queer trans dude who happens to be autistic and physically and mentally disabled. I got some serious shit going on. shit from PTSD and ADHD to GAD and OCD, among other things. I’m stuck in a household where I’m basically viewed as an annoying burden at best, and at worst...well, there are words I don’t feel comfortable repeating involved. I’m currently waiting on a disability claim, which I’m quite sure is going to take a long time before I hear anything again because of the coronavirus mess.

my ex, who I live with, hates everything and everyone. democrats? spineless bastards. antifa? just as bad as nazis. black lives matter? terrorist thugs. the only person he doesn’t seem to hate is Trump, and I’m reasonably sure it’s because he sees him as somebody he wants to be someday. not expressing his hatred of everything and everyone is censorship, and he feels unheard, so obviously he has to ignore requests to maybe not shout about chinese bioweapons released upon the public or whatever other tinfoil hatter bullshit he can pull out of his ass at all hours. his mother doesn’t discourage this, just. goes to bother him and gets him going all the damn time.

he’s told me that asking him to go to the store (yes, asking, ‘hey can you get this next time you go’ asking, not demanding or screaming, things he’s done when we’ve previously been capable) is exactly the same as slavery. he’s the only one physically capable of making the trip under normal circumstances, and with the coronavirus stuff going on, he’s the only one who is actually halfway safe, much less allowed, to go. his mother and I are both immuno-compromised, and she has an official order to stay indoors. doesn’t stop him from giving us shit for not going out.

the gist is, I am super uncomfortable here at the very least, and feel unsafe and constantly threatened and anxious at worst.

the GOOD news is, I have a friend willing to take on a partial caretaker role for me, which I honestly need. they’re currently living in Florida. I’m in Oregon. I can relocate, there’s not a lot keeping me here, I don’t honestly care to stay in this state that much. the main thing at the moment is, they live with their parents, who don’t have space for me. so we need an apartment.

I’m good with leaving my stuff behind for a while, or even permanently. stuff is replaceable, and my rapidly deteriorating mental and physical health isn’t something I’m comfortable sticking around here much longer with. I have around enough for a plane ticket and one bag, but somewhere to go is a straight requirement before I go anywhere.

TL;DR: I’m here, I’m queer, and I need to get out of a super toxic environment and into a place that I’m treated like a person, rather than a burden that has to listen to racist garbage because I can’t work and disability is taking for-fucking-ever to happen.

links: my gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/f/moving-fund-assistance my paypal: https://www.paypal.me/seththemuse my amazon wishlist for food items, so I don’t starve while I’m stuck here, since somebody hates going to the store with a burning goddamn passion: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2CV1MX9Y7POQD

[moviepower]

Why do people criticize Jojo Rabbit?

We'd say that this is uncharted territory for distributor Disney, but the company did previously give us their futures face. Hmm. I saw Jojo Rabbit in the best place I could for movies, in my opinion.

For this list, we're looking at why Tyco ITTS 2019 black comedy has proven. So polarizing for critics just to clarify the critical reception thus far has been mostly positive and even watch mojo gave the film a rave review following its TIFF premiere.

Nevertheless, we can definitely see why a movie like this. Wouldn't win audiences over everywhere. Hey Joe, Joe, my old friend. Hi adults. Number 10, the controversial premise. I don't think I can do this last. Of course you can simply by reading it synopsis, you can tell why Jojo rabbit has stirred up so much controversy.

In the midst of world war II, a young German boy named Joe Joe dreams of becoming a Nazi upon learning that his mother has been harboring a Jewish girl in the attic though, Jo Jo begins to reevaluate his outlook on life. I tell them you will be in big trouble throughout this coming of age journey. Our titular character is guided by his imaginary friend.

Is it worth to watch Jojo Rabbit full movie

Who just so happens to be a flamboyantly incompetent, Adolf Hitler, as inventive as the premises, it was guaranteed to ignite passionate feelings. Critics are unsurprisingly split as to whether the film's premise is inspired or irresponsible. I wish more of our young boys had your blind fanaticism. Okay.

Number nine, how it stacks up to other satires and this world is ruined for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way Jojo rabbit. Isn't the first film to satirize Hitler or Nazis 1940 twos to be, or not to be was criticized upon release for its farcical, spin of Nazi occupied Poland.

But today is viewed as a comedy classic. I know you're quite famous in London kernel. They call you concentration camp Earhart. Yes. Yes, we do the concentrating and the poles do the camping Hitler. Technically isn't the protagonist and the great dictator. It's obvious who Charlie Chaplin was parodying. We can learn more about actress playing mother Jojo on Wikipedia.

Arguably the most famous sendup of Nazi Germany is Mel Brooks. The producers. In which two con men put on an intentionally horrible musical entitled springtime for Hitler. Practically a love letter to this own run a week week. Are you kidding display? It's got the close on page four. Some critics are ready to place Jojo rabbit alongside these revolutionary respected comedy.

What do critics write in reviews about Jojo Rabbit?

Others, however, would claim that the film has more in common with the bridge sit-com Hile, honey I'm home, which was so misguided and tasteless that it only lasted one episode. Oh 10 night. You will make an schnitzel. What a joke. You must be real mad at me, honey. I'm a very, very bad Hitler. Number eight, what's going on in the real world right now?

Fuck man. The house, although world war II is in the past. The same, unfortunately can not be said about bigotry. Nowhere was this more apparent than at the 2017 unite the right rally in Charlottesville, which attracted several hate groups, including neo-Nazis. Since prejudice and discrimination remain prevalent in today's world.

It's obvious why various critics would object to a film that makes light of Nazi Germany. Nevertheless, satire can reflect modern times as well as history in ways that straightforward drama can't. Some might argue that now isn't the right time for a Nazi satire, but others would debate that society needs a movie like Jojo rabbit. A great story about the Irishman is here.

Now more than ever, you're not to nuts. Jojo, tenue kids likes dressing up in front of you. If somebody wants to be part of a club. Number seven, the humor, the best weekend ever.

Soundtrack in the highest level of production

Wow. Your enjoyment of Jojo rabbit will hinder on how hard you laugh. Or of course, if you laugh, the film didn't tickle. Roger Freedman. Funnybone who wrote in his showbiz four one, one review Jojo rabbit is actually borderline antisemitic offensive on many levels and not even funny. Sam Adams of slate couldn't have disagreed more proclaiming for Jojo rabbit comedy.

Isn't a means to minimize, but to analyze wise, to pry at the way, hateful ideologies can be embraced as a comfort and how beneath their promise to. Blame how the world really works is an understanding no more sophisticated than a child's it's time to buy some books. Since humor is subjective, we guess there isn't always going to be a clear line between what's offensively funny and what's just plain offensive.

Oh God. Number six. Jewish jokes. Did you know, Jews can Z to each other's mind. So tell us, you know, who saw one? They could look just like us of Tyco. ITT satire is clearly the Nazis. However, the director who's of Jewish and Maori heritage also pokes fun at Judaism. Hi, well, the real Jordan Rumi was horrified by the audience's reception at the screening he attended.

Writing, you have no idea how it is to be surrounded by thousands of people laughing at jokes, specifically directed at Jews. That being said, Rumi seemed to be in the minority of a group that found the film. Hilarious. As with Borat and South park, many would argue that the humor and Jojo rabbit isn't intended to mock the Jewish faith, but to criticize how ignorant and Semites are a cute number five, the life is beautiful comparison, right?

Jojo Rabbit's reaction to mom's death

Yeah. Critics have stocked a Jojo rabbit up against numerous other films. But life is beautiful. Seems to be the one that's invited the most comparisons this 1997, Italian dromedy also presented world war II through a lighthearted lens, centering on a Jewish man who uses humor and imagination to shield his son from the horrors of the Holocaust. It's interesting what they write about this movie on Amazon.

Well, the film won an Academy award for best foreign language film, and even got nominated for best picture. There were those who found the movies comedic tone, inappropriate. Over two decades later, we will continue to debate if the movie is a life affirming fable or a dated misfire. It's actually eerie how much these two films have in common, especially since both one TIFs peoples choice award.

That is the strongest thing in the world. Number four, is it shocking enough? I was your age. I had an imaginary friend come in so much stuff even before the first trailer dropped Jojo rabbit was being built up as one of 20 nineteens most controversial movies. Weirdly enough though, some critics have expressed disappointment that the film isn't more shocking.

Well, audiences have arguably gotten more sensitive with time. There are still patrons who crave comedy that pushes the envelope to its limits. It's time to burn some books. Brian Talarico of the Chicago sun times felt Jojo rabbit played it too safe. Writing the final scenes of Jojo rabbit are too easy for a film that needs to be dangerous and daring. 

Are the best scenes already included in the trailer?

Even if the film doesn't go all out with its edgy concept. Seeing Tyco, ITT dresses, Adolf Hitler will be more than enough to make a few jobs drop. What am I going to do? No idea. Going down the house in Glen Winston church one, negotiate number three. It's depiction of Nazis. The playlist Charles romesco took issue with the films, humanization of antisemites writing.

YTT concedes that a good percentage of Nazis really do hold hate in their heart. But maintains that at least some of them aren't you two seem to be getting on. Well, it doesn't seem like a bad cost. How much pain and suffering the Nazis caused many audiences will understandably struggle with this message.

However, if Ron Jones proved anything with his third wave social experiment in 1967, it's that even ordinary people can get swept up in the dangerous ideals of fascism. Likewise, Jojo rabbit poses, a challenging question. If we're not willing to acknowledge the bad and the good in people, how can we ever rid ourselves of prejudice?

Nothing makes sense anymore. Yeah, I know. It's definitely not a good time to be a Nazi. Number two it's message. And mother took me. She's kind me like a person, whatever your thoughts on Jojo rabbit, Tyco ITT clearly wanted to spread an anti hate message. YTT also claims that he started writing the screenplay before Nazis regained relevance in the media.

There's little doubt that why TTS intent was noble, whether or not the final product successfully gets his message across is where critics are split. A doubt of the a V club felt that making fun of Nazi Germany had been done before. Thus taking away from the movies, broader anti hate theme. Peter Howell begged to differ in his Toronto star review writing Taika YTT knocks it out of deer park with the meaningful lunacy of his anti hate satire, which is equal parts.

Adolf Hitler's thread in the movie

Mel Brooks, West Henderson, and  own whimsical brilliance growing up too fast. Ten-year-olds and the celebrating war and talking politics. Before we continue, be sure to subscribe to our channel and ring the bell to get notified a better latest videos. You'll have the option to be notified for occasional videos or all of them.

If you're on your phone, make sure you go into your settings and switch on notifications. Number one it's depiction of Hitler. Well, they call me a scared rabbits. Okay. Let's address the giant rabbit in the room. Tyco YTT spends most of his screen time prancing around in a Nazi uniform and toothbrush mustache. If you want, you can read here about preparations for making a movie and other curiosities.

Without a doubt, YTT, didn't set out to deliver a serious or dignified portrayal of Hitler. Rather YTT aspired to make the fewer look as goofy and idiotic as possible. Oh, . Just painting Hitler as a wacky, even likable buffoon desensitized us to the atrocities. He committed though. Some may say yes while others may argue that it leaves audiences more informed and open-minded.

At the end of the day, everyone is going to have a different opinion of Jojo. Let them say whatever they want. People used to say a lot of nasty things about me. Oh, this guy's a lunatic. Oh, look at that psycho. He's going to get us all killed. Do you agree with our picks, check out this other recent clip from watch mojo and be sure to subscribe and ring the bell to be notified about our latest videos.

[marnamaii]

Master post of differences between Berserker Penthesilea and Berserker of El Dorado

I’ll probably be updating this as I go along more. This is a very rough draft.

APPEARANCE

Penthesilea is a brunette, which coincides more with the appearance of Hippolyta.

She’s older in appearance as well, being the age she was in the Trojan Wars; Berserker Penthesilea is the Penthesilea who fought alongside the Trojans.

She’s about 5′10″. I don’t think the Amazons should be short and cutesy.

PERSONALITY

She’s more rational, fitting that of a queen. She’s still hostile and aggressive, as an Amazon, but she isn’t blinded by her rage despite being a Berserker Servant. This is because of her special passive skill, which is not Mad Enhancement.

She’s prone to moments of anguish, as she’s still recovering from her grief at accidentally killing her beloved sister, which was also considered a sacrilegious act.

She is quite attached to her father, Ares, whom the Amazons had all revered. Thus, she’s especially hateful towards Heracles who had stolen the girdle of her sister, which was a gift from Ares.

She’s sometimes a bit lovelorn over Hector. She’s secretly a romantic. In an Amazonian way. Which probably isn’t very romantic to “normal” people at all.

She admires Achilles, she doesn’t hate him. She just hates Heracles with a burning passion. Fuck Heracles.

GAMEPLAY

As mentioned before, Penthesilea wields a battleaxe given to her by Ares. Each Amazonian queen was gifted an artifact of some sort by Ares. This is a tradition that carried on from his courtship with Otrera, whom attracted his attention when noting her strength and courage in battle under his name.

Her third activated skill is instead a passive skill: Penthesilea’s Wrath, which grants bonus damage against Greek enemies (not exclusive to males).

Her third activated skill is replaced by Blood of Ares, which significantly boosts her attack at the cost of lowering her defense and debuff resistance.

Her bond CE is Queen’s Valor, which increases party attack by 10% while she’s on the field, and grants Penthesilea the following effect: upon her own death, inflicts Charm on enemies for 3 turns.

Mad Enhancement is exclusively Mad Mourning EX for Penthesilea. It boosts her Buster damage whenever an ally falls.

Her deck is QQABB.

She also has Battle Continuation A. Some accounts of the Trojan War note that it lasted for several days, and that Penthesilea razed the Greek ships after they were overwhelmed by her army. This translates into her Noble Phantasm, which inflicts Burn status on enemies instead of lowering their attack.

All in all, Berserker Penthesilea is an extreme damaging machine, but she’s quite vulnerable due to her Berserker class and her third skill which lowers her defense and debuff resistance.

One day I’ll do the verses for Archer and Lancer Penthesilea as well. Most likely both verses will be before the Trojan War, before Penthesilea accidentally killed Hippolyta (as afterward, Penthesilea cannot be summoned, at least as a Lancer, due to her despair over Hippolyta’s death). I’d also like a Rider variant, as the Amazons were said to be fearsome cavalry in the Trojan War, fighting akin to that of Greek and Trojan soldiers alike.

[elusianknight]

I'm not saying Apple is a good company because I fucking hate apple with a burning passion

But you can see the intent behind naming a disembodied voice Siri vs Alexa. Theres a reason Alexa is a "member of the family" and not just a silly phone app (I mean lbr they're both wiretaps but my point is Amazon is pushing way further to humanize their wiretap and some of yall sure are EATING IT UP)

[tessatechaitea]

Wonder Twins #7

I didn't realize the Wonder Twins were Gen X.

Oh yeah! Zan had just saved the world by stopping a plot that was going to save the world.

I just realized I hadn't scanned the cover yet and as I did, I noticed the Wonder Twins fist/star emblem marks a striking resemblance to a goat.se riff. Zan and Jayna get taken off of monitor duty at the Hall of Justice now that they've stopped the League of Annoyance. You'd think that doing a good job would get you a promotion but those of use who have always done spectacularly good jobs know better. While everybody else works down to the lowest common denominator (because who wants to do more work than the next guy?! A fool, that's who!), good workers just put on blinders and do the job they were hired for until the time they're being paid for is up. Sure, that sounds like I'm describing a sucker who's been completely manipulated by the man! But I'm also describing a person who fulfills their end of whatever bargain they've agreed to! So when I say Zan and Jayna wind up giving tours at the Hall of Justice because they were too good at catching criminals, you'll understand why I went into the previous digression. Maybe? I don't know. Have you seen what state the U.S. is in?! Why are you picking apart my writing style?! Mark Russell takes a few pages to shit all over hockey fans and now I hate Mark Russell with a burning passion. Even though I'd hardly call myself a hockey fan. I mean, I loved NHL '93 (unless it was '92 (or maybe '94?)) and I loved going to San Jose Sharks games when I was still living in the Bay Area (plus my friend worked equipment for the Sharks and would get us free tickets). But it's not like I follow it much anymore. I just like the feeling of being angry at somebody for writing a satirical critique of sports fans rioting because they're so happy that their team won. Although why would I be angry when I've never done that nor think Russell's wrong in his pointed and humorous critique?! Oh, who cares why! Being angry is just more fun! Oh shit! I finally understand people's attraction to Fox News! I just watched a YouTube clip of somebody's Jeremy Roenick highlights from NHL '94 set to the song "More Than a Feeling" and it was pretty awesome. Also, that was definitely the one we played nonstop back in 1993 and 94 and maybe even into 95. Roenick unstoppable down with the puck while Sharks players lay splayed out on their back all across the ice. To stop the riot, Superman calls in Repulso! He's a guy whose super power is super stink and he's kept in a locked room with a bare table and a microwave and nobody wants to be his friend because he smells like a garbage dumb that vomited on top of the diarrhea it shit out while standing on its head so the stanky muck ran down his body absorbing all of his body odor and then somebody cut up a durian and tossed it in the mix.

Superman is a dick. Get this guy some friends with no sense of smell. Or at the very least, an Xbox Gold account.

After the hockey riots, some "the end of the world" riots take place because Zan and Jayna screw up something or other. Basically what that means is that Repulso gets to be let out of his airtight containment unit again! He's a pretty optimistic guy for being sealed away by Superman (which is just Superman's way! Is somebody a problem? No problem! Put them in the Phantom Zone!). He's so happy and not bitter about his living arrangements that I feel like Zan and Jayna had better figure out a way to give him a better life before this issue ends. Because if Mark Russell fails this character he created before this issue is over and I have to face reality after snot crying about a fictional person, I'm going to be pretty upset when I continue to buy Mark Russell comic books because what other choice do I have? Am I going to stop reading DC's best written comic books because Mark Russell betrayed poor Repulso? Of course not! What am I? A person with integrity?! Repulso winds up getting his ass beat by rioters as Repulso's handlers flee the chaotic "end of the world" downtown riot scene. Luckily the Wonder Twins are headed downtown to save his life and maybe become his friend or something? Please? After Zan and Jayna save Repulso, Jayna goes to Superman to tell him everything sucks. He gives her a big speech about how being a hero is lonely work because you don't always get to fuck the hot chick at your secret identity's workplace and also fuck an Amazon warrior while also getting to fuck anybody at all whose initials are "L.L." and also have a best friend who is the coolest guy in the world with a butler who makes the best pancakes. Sometimes you're a fat jerk who smells who even Superman won't fucking give the time of day because Superman has this speech about how being a hero is lonely and that's a good thing so you should embrace your loneliness because who wants to put up with your super stink, fatty?

Jayna is a way better hero than Superman. At least in this comic book that's all about her and not Superman so of course she's going to outshine him!

Oh yeah, the ant in the above picture is Jayna. It can't smell. Wonder Twins #7 Rating: A+. I should probably be less cynical when reading Mark Russell comic books because he's as earnest and serious as he can be while also providing lots of jokes. He takes writing seriously because what else is there? If your message isn't going to matter, why bother? (is his philosophy. I think. It's not my philosophy! I don't think? Maybe it is! I just write things that matter in a much different way than Mark Russell writes things that matter.) I should probably read Superman's speech and be inspired by the idea that you don't do good because you want adulation; you do good because it's the right thing to do, even if the entire world thinks you're an asshole for doing it. Even if all of the other superheroes think you're a stinky fuck and only keep you around to use as a tool to oppress and manipulate the masses without having to use logic and reason on them (because, let's face it, the people doing terrible things don't understand logic and reason. Or they're do but they're just selfish and greedy so nothing is going to reach them anyway (which maybe is part of Superman's message?)), you're still a hero at the end of the day. You can still be proud of your stinky self. And even if the life is lonely, you should remain positive and upbeat because Superman really doesn't want to be reminded that you exist every time you complain about the lack of reasonable living conditions. Being a hero is a state of mind, says the guy who also looks great and is invulnerable and has the best wife and a cool son and doesn't have to fear death! So inspiring!

[wouldadepressedpersonmakethis]

phone wars

STORE 1: “Mobicity”

IDRIS ELBA (45, reserved by kate aa) - store manager: super intense!!!!! runs his store like he’s running an army!!!! treats every sale like a life or death situation!!! has some raymond holt vibes too??? like this, this, this, and this are all him! expects peRFECTION from his employees!!!! the interview process is inSANE!!!!!! definitely treats the other stores and their employees like mortal enemies!!!!! his office is conveniently located so that he can spy on the store two stores. also has some john mulaney’s dad vibes. “you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair” “god can’t hear you” “how are you better than a nazi?” “let’s change the subject” “1 black coffee”

MICHEAL B. JORDAN (31 , reserved by kate aa) - didn’t believe that IDRIS ELBA was a real person but heard stories from his sister. forged an impressive resume and got a job as his assistant manager. got the job just so he could mess w/ idris for fun???? super talented at pretending like he’s got his shit together when in reality he’s super lazy (except when it comes to playing elaborate pranks). secretly dating melissa benoist

RICHARD AYOADE (41) - salesperson, always nervous!!! brilliant but no social skills, terrified of idris, talks fast, throws up when he gets nervous, “i’m okay as long as i don’t think about it!” you could spill soup on him and he’d probably apologize to you

KATIE MCGRATH (35) - idris’s assistant; once dated chris pine; may or may not have gotten this job just to desTROY him; super ambitious/intelligent; could be doing any number of things w/ her life but she’s also kind of petty; has a lot of meryl streep in the devil wears prada vibes, does have a lot of respect for idris but also has plans to over-throw him; can be intense?????? only cares about 1 person (her sister/cousin/bff???) still attracted to chris pine but u won’t hear her say that

ZOEY DEUTCH (23) - katie’s assistant; STRESS LEVEL IS CONSTANTLY A 11/10; def has anne hathaway’s job in tdwp; got this job by mistake; is the furthest thing from organized; applied for a janitor position b/c that’s all she’s qualified to do here but somehow her resume got mixed up??? *** she thinks it was a mistake but it was actually just a prank that MBJ played*** faking it until she makes it??? or rather until she gets fired heh. pretending to be an uptight harvard grad but instead hardly graduated hs and doesn’t know how to adult; may or may not have spent her entire first pay check on fuzzy socks and mozzarella sticks.

??? another lady 

STORE 2: “What’s App”

CHARLIE DAY (42) -- an idiot, super chill and laid back, somehow always accidentally thwarts the others’ plans to destroy him! a human disaster but somehow everything just works out for him. his store is a mess tbh??? very unorganized but somehow the most successful of the three??

DYLAN O’BRIEN (26) -- wanted to work for store #1 with a deep passion and intensity!! looks @ idris elba as his idol??? potentially calls him dad accidentally a lot??? idk its weird and IDRIS ELBA got super annoyed with him constantly applying to work for him so instead he sent him to work at store 2 as a “spy”. he takes this role suPER seriously and basically thinks he’s james bond. never gets anything at all helpful for idris elba. has a weird and elaborate fake back story for going undercover. most people can tell he is a “spy”?

ZENDAYA (21) (reserved by lizzy) - younger sister to MBJ and GMR. college student. this is 100% the best summer job she’s ever had. super unmotivated to do well most of the time and just tricks #2 to do all of her work for her. loves just to sit back and watch the chaos unfold.

KRYSTEN RITTER (36 , reserved by kate aa) - IT, monotone voice, always wears black, likes to pretend that she’s a satanist to fuck with people, surrounded by idiots, hates everyone, do not engage her in psychological warfare b/cs she will deSTROY you

BLAKE LIVELY (30 , reserved by kate aa) - heavy beatrice/eugenie vibes~ under skills she listed: i know how to do makeup and have an iphone, only got and has kept this job b/c her manager is as clueless as she is???? does try to be helpful but honestly makes things worse, doesn’t understand you have to put in a full eight hours a day??? often leaves for several hours at at time for lunch??? sometimes just doesn’t come back??? grew up super wealthy and was recently disinherited by her parents after she got into a huge fight w/ them over something stupid?? too proud to go crawling back but tbh she is def drowning in the real world.

MAX GREENFIELD (37) LOUD, yells a LOT, hired as the new brand manager. is grossed out 24/7 by the state of the store; sUPER dramatic; always saying how he’s going to have a heart attack working here (probably will tbh), also says he’s going to die of a rare disease working w/ charlie day (also probably true), has goals to rebrand this as a luxury phone store (closer in style to Oasis vs. a garbage). has his work cut out for him 

STORE 3: “Oasis”

CHRIS PINE (37, reserved by lizzy) -- super wealthy!!!, spoiled!!!! a huge ass!!!!! his father is the CEO but he wanted his son to work his way up the ranks on his own vs. just handing the business over to him. has become manager here but that’s as far as he’s gotten. will do whatever it takes to make his branch the most successful!!!! soooo dramatic!!!!! the level of bitchiness in him is absurd!!! definitely considers IDRIS ELBA to his his (1) true enemy!!!!!! def considers manager #2 to be worthless and beneath his notice (don’t mention that he’s actually his biggest competition)!!! has probably won the shithead of the year award. hits on his assistant 24/7 has anger management issues

GUGU MBATHA-RAW (35) - michael b. jordan’s older sister. chris pine’s secretary. the sweetest person in the world!!!!!!! does NOT deserve to work for someone like chris pine. doesn’t realize how much of an awful person he is just because she can’t believe anyone could be that awful???? would come home and tell her siblings about work and the rivalry and neither of them could believe it but then they all got jobs at the other two stores just to see if it was what gugu had said ... turns out its even better.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT (50, reserved by lizzy) - hired by chris pine’s dad to keep him in line and make sure that he doesn’t do anything to harm the family’s or the company’s reputation. it is a fulltime job!!!! constantly stressed!!!! constantly like: idk what i expected!?!?!? keeps trying to talk sense to chris pine but that’s like talking to a brick wall??? sometimes tries to tell him not to do something in the hopes that he will actually do it ... but that never works either ... will probably die from a heart attack soon. spends his days apologizing to everyone  

MELISSA BENOIST (29, reserved by lizzy) - secretly dating michael b. jordan, her job is basically to keep everyone she knows alive???? helP, loves MBJ a lot but he does stress her out sometimes, kind of OCD, works too hard, super driven, just needs to relax, honestly hates this job but just holding it while she finishes up med school, bffs w/ zoey, somehow emily thinks they are bffs??? but melissa doesn’t have the heart to tell her that they aren’t

EMILY BLUNT (35, taken by kate aa) mary eileen vibes~ An Author™ (but not really) trolls her amazon reviews and obsesses over every bad one, hardly does any work? is “in love” with TIMOTHY and is convinced that he is in love with her too even though he’s blatantly told her that he is not, thinks they can’t be together b/c they are co-workers and that they are involved in some kind of forbidden romance???? is the office manager and has def put a lot of personal expenses on it w/ shaky, at best, justifications for why they needed to be charged to the company

JERMAINE CLEMENT (?) method actor. currently is trying to get a role as a vampire. never breaks character. it gets weird. 

STORE 4: a fro-yo shop that’s stuck in the middle of the war zone “Sprinkles on Top”

DREAMA WALKER (32) - believes all you need is a hug and some frozen yogurt to have a good day!!!! but the arrival of the three competing phone stores is testing everything she thinks she knows!!!!! her shop has now become hostile territory b/c all of her customers are mostly just the workers on break and they all just stare each other down!!!!!!! has become super aggressive in her attempts to try to get everyone to just get along and be happy!!!

CHRIS O’DOWD? JAKE JOHNSON (38-40 reserved by lizzy) - watched too many nature documentaries on netflix, feels like he morally needs to be a vegetarian now but can’t stop eating meat, so instead he justifies himself by making up elaborate stories about how the chicken he’s eating has unforgivable character flaws, talks at length about this to the customers? doesn’t have great social skills,has conversations with his cat more than w/ actual people; calls himself the alchemist b/c he once managed to burn his laundry, “i didn’t even know you could do that!”

NICK ROBINSON (23 , reserved by kate aa) - has a mild peanut allergy but took this job anyway. “i live life on the edge” ~ nick “you don’t” ~everyone else, has had a crush on ZENDAYA, got this job to be close to her after they went to different colleges? loves bad jokes, a Nerd, writes fanfiction, has won employee of the month every month since he was hired but tbh his competition isn’t that hard to beat, both proud and embarrassed to see his picture up on (the wall) so many times,

JON BERNTHAL? BEN BARNES?  (reserved by kate aa)- actually a hitman and this job is just a cover, honestly a terrible liar and everyone can tell what he actually does but pretend they don’t??? inSANELY good at his hitman job ... not so good at serving frozen yogurt? doesn’t have any customer service skills tbh, honestly comes off as pretty terrifying? looks @  everyone like he might just kill you, tbh dreama is a little afraid to fire him?? doesn’t look like he works here???

ANNA KENDRICK (33, reserved by lizzy) - always come to work hungover, the queen of TMI, hits on everything and anything that moves, tbh a sexual harassment situation just waiting to happen, dreama’s younger sister/cousin and was only given this job as a favor, tbh is not working out as well as dreama had hoped.

AWKWAFINA (29) has killed every plant she has ever owned (doesn’t stop her from getting more!), dumps all the toppings on her fro yo. constantly is eating ~free~ frozen yogurt and doesn’t realize that after her 1 cup a day limit, the rest comes out of her paycheck. still lives with her parents. lOUD. ZERO FILTER. will say whatever is on her mind at any time. is TERRIBLE with secrets and is pretty sure she’s gonna drop to someone that melissa and michael are dating and get them both fired! yay! bffs w/ melissa benoist, 

[allthingsgerman]

About grocery stores opening on Sundays/Christmas Eve

So, for the past couple of weeks people in Germany have been discussing shop opening hours on Sundays and especially this year on Christmas Eve (which happens to be a Sunday).

Situation in Germany is the following: Grocery stores and retail in general are closed on Sundays. There are exceptions but that’s the rule. Also, for Germans (idk if all of them but a lot of them) Christmas Eve is important. That’s when people celebrate with their families. (25th and 26th as well but the main thing for us at least, happens on the 24th).

Now, legally, shops as in grocery stores are allowed to open on Christmas Eve when it's on a Sunday. A lot of shop owners and grocery chains have decided NOT to open on Christmas Eve and let their employees have a day off instead. And here come the people who complain about that. And let me tell you, I hate those people. With a burning passion. Let me explain why grocery stores opening on a Sunday is shit in general and Chrismas Eve in particular.

So here are some of the arguments those people come up with:

1) "People in hospitals, retirement homes and restaurants also have to work on Sundays! What's the problem?"

Okay, listen up. For some professions it's impossible not to work on Sunday. You can't just leave sick people or the elderly alone for a day. You can't even compare the two! For fuck's sake you can buy groceries on Saturday, grandma who's suffering from dementia can't just be left alone on Sundays.

Now, it's true that in restaurants, cinemas and service stations people work on Sundays, too. And yes, that's debatable. Why do some people have to work to entertain others on their day off? Some industries rely on people to have free time to survive. Cinemas surely can't be open weekdays from 9-5. Who goes to see a movie during those hours?

But for one thing, a lot (!) of restaurants are closed around Christmas. For another... enough people have to work on weekends and times that aren't beneficial to their personal lives. Do we have to make it worse? And what even is this? "There are people working on Sundays, more people should work on Sundays because I want to go shopping on Sundays, too!" Well, go fuck yourself, entitled dickhead. Fuck other people's lives because you can't be arsed to do your shopping during the 6 days a week and 12 hours a shop is open.

2) "Some people want to work on Sundays (because they're not religious or whatever)!

Great, good for you. Let me explain you a thing. What having to work irregular shifts or working on 7 days a week does to people. The weekend or Sundays in particular have been and still are (for the most part) an institution trade unions have fought for. The majority of people still work traditional working hours. Imagine a family. Imagine them with irregular working hours. Dad's day off is Wednesday, Mom's day off is Sunday. It doesn't matter if your day off is a Sunday or Wednesday, right? Now, problem is: When exactly are they supposed to spend time together when everyone's got their day off on a different day? Working on Sundays isn't a problem because you've got another day off instead, right? No. That's not how it works. Free time isn't free time. Some "free time" is worth more.

Another scenario. Most people working in retail and grocery stores are women. Dramatically underpaid, working hours already irregular enough. Now add Sundays, so some entitled assholes can go shopping. An example. What are single mothers supposed to do now? How many kindergartens open on Sundays again? Hey! We could change their hours, too! So kindergarten teachers can work on Sundays as well! That's gonna solve the problem, right? Fuck off.

And if you really want to work on Sundays... there are enough industries working on Sundays. Maybe go find a job there then.

3) Grocery stores in other countries open on Sundays what are you whining about?

Trade unions are strong in Germany. Worker's rights are a thing in Germany. And that's done a whole lot of good for us. I know for some people it doesn't feel like it. But please compare our situation with countries with less powerful trade unions and then we can talk.

4) “Shop owners should be allowed to decide for themselves when to open their shop.”

Ah yes, neo-liberalism. Let people with power decide over the lives of underpaid workers without any limits. Yes, that's good. Other countries do that, let's do that to Germany, too. It's not shit enough here already. Workers rights, who needs that?

5) “What if i forgot to buy something and need to go buy it but it’s Sunday?”

Oh noes, how will you survive? Sundays happen every week. Christmas Eve is on the same fucking day every year. Retail workers are not responsible for your shitty planning abilities.

6) “You gotta keep up with times, shops have to compete with online shops so they have to open on Sundays!”

Good luck trying to buy something from amazon on a Sunday and having it delivered on... you know. Sunday. Not even people at amazon work on Sundays. No one delivers on Sundays. What are you even talking about? Also, whose fault is it retail is forced to compete with amazon & co? Oh right! Customers! If customers weren't such egoistical douchebags who think everything and everyone has to cater to their needs people in retail could work much more humane hours. But you know...

7) “Shops have to open on Sundays so people who work long hours can do their shopping!”

Grocery stores are open for at least 12hours a day. You wanna tell me you work 12hours a day / 6 days a week? Really? You really want to tell me you couldn't do the shopping then? What the fuck is wrong with you?  

And now it’s not just Sunday it’s Christmas Eve. Can't you just let people have one fucking Christmas Eve without having to work? I hate you, entitled little shits.

[wholeworldbroken]

PART 1)  Net Neutrality, Hypernormalization, The Dinosaur Who Swindled Natural Selection & Prospered... AND... The Healthy Benefits Of Paranoid Delusional Psychosis.

TV is a dinosaur sinking into the tar. All those once giant networks are scrambling to survive just a little longer in this technological age that left them behind before they noticed. That Netflix model is alot bigger deal than it's given credit for. It's what reshaped HULU until it went legitimate. It's why there's an HBOGO, STARZ, SHOWTIME, etc. app that all outperform their parent networks.

The power of ON-DEMAND blew Amazon up from a more Wal-Marty version of eBay to the titan it is now. Disney is gearing up to yank all Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, etc. properties from Netflix to add to their own upcoming streaming channel. Even the underdogs that only Netflix could make into giant hits: Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, The Defenders and The Punisher (not so much IronFist) are being carted over to the new Disney service without so much as a "thank you for making this possible" to Netflix.

CBS launched theirs earlier this year with the added ammo of the most expensive Star Trek series to date, Discovery, being only available through their site. We'll probably see about 10 new changeovers this coming year. Comcast, Verizon and Slime-Warner know that we'll pay $8 here, $10 there for the convenience of catching all that exclusive content completely at our lesiure, always waiting as soon as we feel like tapping that PLAY button.

So, the dinosaur is slowly inching across the quicksand, dragging its rip-off cable model over to the internet, embracing the technology of the future while still thriving off the scams of the past. Even Youtube, which was kind of a revolution in independent, DIY content creators and previously muted voices now given a somewhat worldwide platform, finding an audience without having to bow to the old media gatekeepers

(the Merv Griffins, Johnny Carsons, Entertainment Tonights, Morning Shows, blah, blah, blah, who were able to get rich off the young, hopefuls kissing the asses of whoever would help them be seen, LONG before any of the actual talent was consistently turning a profit. Completely self -regenerating. You can burn up the lump of coal till it's all disintegrated, but the machine ALWAYS got fresh coal being shoveled in the fire, baby)

... is now flooded with Jimmy Kimmel, SNL, Paramount, Disney studios, which seems like normal that those sketches, clips, movie trailers would end up archived on youtube...

until you consider that youtubers are paid through Google Adsense, and receive a monetary amount per video play featuring ads that are part of the program. The success and general public hunger for these independent creators has multiplied the number of young, self-made millionaires over the last 10 years. So, in come the dinosaurs, dragging that dirty-old-bag of crooked-old-ways with them.

Now you got NBC, uploading individual sketches from SNL, a television show that makes its revenue from tv ads & endorsements, each video cashing in on adsense profits seperately, rivaling the numbers from the original airing of the whole episode. Jimmy Fallon, Dr. Phil... practically EVERYbody is clawing & scratching for that youtube money all the kids were syphoning away from them. Whatever.

Big, ugly business, but still business. Dog eat dog & all that.

But what about commercials? Who the fuck clicks on the new TIDE ad showing up in their youtube feed? SOMEbody, cause it's got, like, a bajillion clicks. Are companies drafting interns to generate views and cash in on adsense? Hey, I'm paranoid, but if stupid old ME thought of it...

So, you seen the new Star Wars trailer? Shit, EACH newer version, starting with the teaser? How many did you see on youtube? ...and when you click that movie COMMERCIAL, like magic, you gotta sit through a goddamn COMMERCIAL before you can watch the COMMERCIAL you voluntarily chose to endure. Shit. I'll be DAMNED if, half the time, the ad that comes up isn't another trailer for another movie, usually from a whole other studio. Think Disney/StarWars minds you got a sneak taste of GrownUps 3 while you were waiting to drool all over a 30-second montage of disjointed scenes arranged to grease the dollar bills out of your wallet come Christmas time? `</pre> They just got paid by Adam Sandler's scam of a company for you to wait out the 5 seconds to click away from his bullshit and get up in them Star Wars guts... several million times... by an unrelated company willing to pay the opponent team for the luxury of dropping a commercial on the front of their commercial... leading to Disney (only an example. This is some across the board shit) making millions off a commercial designed to set up an installment in a franchise that will bring them automatic billions. <pre>` It's Terry Gilliam level absurdity that we've indoctrinated ourselves, as a species, to accept as "successful business practices", as we dream of one day carving our very own little chunk of the abstract money scheme balogna. I don't pretend to have a better, more functional answer than: try to resist as much of the barrage as you can, of huckster salesmen who have studied the best psychological methods of Stockholming your oblivious ass into not only continuing to prop up their pyramid scheme and perpetuating their boss's greedy manipulation of the entire world by way of its set-up-to-fail economic machinations `</pre> but ALSO, to constantly strengthen your faith in the infallible logic of those same machinations with a passion that is prepared to DESTROY any anomalous dissenters, selfish enough to be randomly fertilized and born into their designated gangsign annotated factions dividing up larger, further established, gangsign brandishing nation-states, yet still possessing the ingratious self-serving personality defect of introspection, empathy & existential contemplation. ** incoming** __VOICE__OF__GREAT__MACHINATION__LEADER,__STIFFY__O'FOOFYSKINS______ <pre>` "The enemy is all around and they hate your way of life. They whisper corruption into the ears of our unsuspecting younger generations. They bombard you with an agenda of moral codes & ideals in direct conflict to the ones you were taught. If you love the random patch of land you literally had more of a chance to be born outside of than in `</pre> and you're not some kind of infidel, basking in the luxuries provided by your assigned locale while remaining unwilling to offer up your mortal life to assure its continuation, then you already know that the RIGHT thing to do, the divine purpose you feel pumping through your heart, is stand tall & be ready to hoist your team's flag should it fall. The enemy wants to see you fail so that it can pillage its way to the holy finish line which was divinely entitled to YOU and the rest of the good guys. It preaches demoralizing propaganda designed to weaken your resolve & raise doubt toward your righteous goals. It knows ways to steal the food from your family's table... even steal your established identity and celebrate its wicked victories by splurging on the fruit sewed by YOUR noble labors. This is your preconceived understanding of the truth. There are higher levels of truth that only pertain to you as part of a bigger picture, but you need not concern yourself with such perplexing pokings & proddings into the corners of your manufactured reality. Take comfort in the ebb & flow of a pristine, global bureaucracy that, on the surface, appears to malfunction as a chaotic dumpster fire of social upheaval, random acts of blatantly hateful terrorism and increasingly violent natural disasters reminding each & every one of us that we are vulnerable and the only shelter comes from the sinister embrace of the leaders we ourselves chose to govern us, simply because that is the way the world has worked for much longer than our insignificant participation would justify constructing a new means of stability. Best not to stress over such uncontrollable details. GREEN has always meant GO. RED has always signified a mandatory STOP. ...And that proverbial cheese at the end of the maze, ever taunting the entire roster of teams? It's laced with the affectionate tongue-kiss of cyanide, the ultimate reward for any group that is able to pull ahead of the hordes and slamdunk their Nerf football into the victory bonfire. IT'S MILLER TIME... Because being on the winning team isn't what's important: WHAT COUNTS IS THAT YOUR TEAM DESTROYED AS MUCH OF THE OPPOSITION'S LIFE & LIVELIHOOD AS WAS POSSIBLE." <pre>` Over moral posturings? Over indignant evildoings? In a race to prove to the creator that your team is comprised of his chosen people and is ready to accept the role as His Holy Assassins? Over the truth behind 9/11? Over the ongoing argument concerning the actual SHAPE of the planet & the legitimacy of the very science we thought we understood, but very well may have been meticulously devised to support our indoctrinated "understanding" of a globe-shaped world, hurling through space in a cosmic dance with the star, SOL, spinning on an axis that brings it around 360° every 24 hours and marking the outlines of our 24 hour day... 7 day week... our 12 month year... An indoctrination so effective, most of us never once stop to entertain the notion that, at its essence, the concept of time in this manner, the 7 day work week (uncannily similar to the 7 days required to create the world), the weather defining 12 months adhered to by the Gregorian calendar could very logically, and historically likely, be an immeasurable, blanket imprisonment of individual human perceptions, compressing the infinite possibilities of each reality into a much more predictable & controllable number. Wrangling in those erratic, chaos-prone, possible realities that could ultimately crash the entire capitalist cabal so dependent on limiting the imaginations & therefore, the entire concept of the fabric of reality & the universe across an entire planet's population. Outrageous, right? Borderline psychotic levels of paranoia, layered with simple, obnoxious denial and a shot or 2 of worst-case-scenario gullibility, YEARS worth of nonsensical research into the ravings of like-minded lunatics whose infectious delusions have consistently contributed to the disenfranchisement and downfall of multiple promising, yet dangerously curious intellects dating all the way back to the first significant population booms & those resultant social structures that merely sought to stifle the all too common, human urge to casually rape & kill each other on the slightest of whims. When viewed in THAT light, maybe that original intent wasn't so awful. Maybe somebody just had to think of something, like, QUICK.

WE INTERRUPT THIS LITERATAL ILLUSTRATION OF AN IMPLODING BRAIN'S LAST, DESPERATE GRASP AT UNDERSTANDING TO BRING YOU THIS TEMPORARILY DEBILITATING ANXIETY ATTACK...

[racingtoaredlight]

Under The Cenote - Oh Canada

I am accustomed to metal sinks. Every other surface in the house was indestructible; concrete walls, heavy furniture, pasta tile flooring. Every noun in the rental was a suitable surface to ready bagged ice for margaritas save the plastic kitchen sink. Hindsight arrived when I tricep smashed an ice bag through the plastic kitchen sink. The plastic kitchen sink broke so perfectly the only noise was a ‘Huh’. I broke the plastic kitchen sink eight hours after Martha, the landlord, rescued me from a backyard hangover existence of one towel.  

At a small, socially distanced Yucateco hosted party an ‘expat’ Canadian told me I will appreciate Canada when I am older. Bitch we are both deliberately in Mexico during a deadly, contagious global plague. Face north when you lie. Please fuck off with the Burger King Presents Tim Horton’s quality tautology thesis premised on living which is impossible in Canada therefore could only be realized by not living in Canada.’ 

Growing older in Canada is impossible, how can anyone age if they are already dead, corpses funeral marching to the Hockey Night in Canada theme. Winter only embalms you for more winter and there is no spring thaw as time standstills between bland dinners served over joyless conversation.  Nobody is alive when the Roughriders on third down punt again to the Roughriders.    Canada must average the temperature of Stockholm Syndrome. Pay for a psychiatrist, pay for a psychiatrist because the free medical care does not consider the brain or teeth necessary to health (in fairness I could argue  a canuck’s quality of life would decrease if they could eat and think). Pay for mental health because you are arguing one day I will yearn to return to a Western, Siberian gulag. 

Take all the Best-Country-To-Live-In trophies and shove them in the frozen ass of the nearest, proud Canadian. Shove it in to unmoving eyes that can’t afford prescription glasses so their thrilled parents can brag to their boring friends about co-signing their child into the world’s dumbest mortgage.  Appreciate Canada more? I am the Anti-Canada Ambassador. Everyone gets to hate one country and I collect their answers. A Chilanga, fresh from laughing because I told her CDMX is suspect because they drink Barcadi, explained passionately she hated the French. We have good jobs, she explained, but we still drink Barcardi. From her I learned the Mayans had leprechauns, limericks and she told of the Aztecs adopting their god of love whose name sounded dangerously like Cúchulainn.   Yucatecos might be more Irish but Ireland is more Mexican.  A specific moonlight upon Mayan temples forms a serpent revealing the year she explained in lieu of answering why Mexico City drinks so much goddamn Bacardi White.

An accepted theory states Mayans were bred selectively smaller to be closer to the maiz, I posit they started worshipping the Jaguar after they became snack sized.  For all the teachings I told her about the worst French. Imagine people behaving horribly for the dumbest possible reasons, then imagine they did so snottily in the dumbest version of a language. Do you cringe at Ye Olde Inne signage? The entirety of the Quebecois parlance is Shakespeare English recited idiotically by the most illiterate person in your grade 10 English class en francais.    Fuck Quebec. Imagine Steve Bannon at his most islamophobic with Trudeau’s incoherent moral pretentiousness endlessly hectoring you in the dumbest French possible you must finance their new country. You owe them a new country because centuries ago colonial France lost a colonial war.  Fuck Quebec. Quebecers, idiotic bigots, are presently covid defying their own law which banned “face coverings” meaning hijabs, turbans and burkas. Apparently being religious in anti-French which is curious because the law specifically allows for crucifix wearing.

Fuck Quebec.    Only Canada could misunderstand the purpose of politeness to platform Quebec. A political platform so absurd every beer not in Quebec is bilingual.  And Alberta might be worse.  Appreciate Canada more as I get older? In Merida the 24 hour Canadian hospital on Calle 66 is one stumble away from a hotel that charges 100 pesos for 3 hours. Drunk Canadians abroad feel free to bland-splain away their transgressions because as they are Canadian therefore it wasn’t rude. Just because America is a prison of dying fatties between service jobs doesn’t mean you are the world’s pinnacle.  Imagine a nation so culturally bankrupt they boast multiculturalism as a national character:  1. How? 2. By definition how. 3. Seriously, how does that work.    All countries have Ethiopian restaurants you dullards. If Canada did develop a culture it would just be paternalistic warnings repeated en francais. 

I want to burn this bridge, the bridge to winter people thinking reservedness is the ultimate politeness.  Canada rests on false international prestige, I tell poly sci Mexicans that Canada’s schooling of the indigenous was purposely replicated in apartheid South Africa. I tell Summa Cum Laude DC graduates Trudeau fired the indigenous justice minister because she refused to pardon a corporation the World Bank blacklisted a hundred times over. I tell catina owners the controlled alcohol board refuses to sell at wholesale prices, I buy rum at the same price to Tiki Bar owners. I tell chefs you can’t buy a medium rare hamburger. I tell drinkers within the three months of good weather Toronto still tickets park drinking. I tell economists the province of Ontario lost money on a weed monopoly, which to be clear, was a monopoly selling weed to Canadians  I tell Libertarians about beer sold through a government protected, foreign owned monopoly. I tell liberal voters about Trudeau continuing to arm Saudi Arabia’s genocide of Yemen. The mayor of Toronto, the one after the crackhead, bragged low white collar wages to entice Amazon. On my former block a plaque was erected to explain the historical importance of a building torn down for condos. I tell investors about Warren Buffett, the Prime Minister and the Finance Minister conspiring to save a  fraudulent subprime lender to prevent the world’s biggest housing bubble from bursting. I tell West Virginians about the Irvine family who owns a province. I tell everyone a bill has been written to tax the internet to fund more Nickelback. We need more Canadian culture they argue, Nickelback needs money.  Martha said 70 pesos to fix the sink, she then refused the money. In her AirBnB review of me she said I was polite and reserved. I need to deprogram myself into enjoying life. I need to be more Mexican, I need to laugh from the back of my throat and eat more cochinita pibil, drink more mezcal surrounded by sunbathing geckos serenaded by tropical birds. I need to gossip more. I need to be told again how I mispronounced ‘ten years’ as “ten buttholes” and in the Yucatan that is how you get a nickname. I need to learn to be cold in perfectly warm weather. I need to unlearn Canadianess before learning how to wrest joy from this beautiful accident of life, a life of lottery winnings suddenly realized underneath the mathematical precision of Mayan stars.  At some point I should probably learn Spanish too.  

[rpdrlesbian-blog]

1, 3, 10, 33, 40, 43, 44, 45 😊

oooh nice! Lol prepare for a looong post! Ill put a read more (If i can figure out how to do it lol)

1.      Favorite Drag Race Moment

Oh damn that’s a toughie but I’d probably have to say Katya’s AS2 speech. I’ve re watched it a million times and it still makes me cry. I was just so proud of her and so happy that she was finally feeling like she was being validated for being herself. I relate to her so deeply and it was all just very touching and emotional but with just a little bit of that Katya humor we love. 

3.       Favorite Drag Race Winner

Another tough one lol! Three way tie between Raja, Bianca and Bob. Raja is just such an elegant person, like everything they do just oozes class and grace but they are also really sweet and silly sometimes and I love that. Bianca is just hilarious and shows that a winner doesn’t have to tear anyone down to get ahead. She is the definition of well rounded. And Bob is one of the funniest people I have ever seen. Period. But not only is she hilarious, she’s also an activist and she really uses her platform to help people. She’s also such an underrated winner, she destroyed her season and continues to be amazing.

10.   Favorite Season

Lol besides All Stars 2 (since that’s a given) I’d say Season 5. I’ll try to keep this short because I could go on and on about how awesome it is. 1. the challenges were really good 2. the mix of queens with very distinct and over the top personalities made for so much juicy drama and iconic moments 3. Alyssa Edwards 4. Underdog winner 5. Untucked

33.   Best Miss Congeniality

KATYA! I don’t like when people say she didn’t deserve Miss C, but of all the fan faves that have won the title I think she has actually been the kindest (obviously nobody tops Cucu for kindest queen, but I mean like the Miss C’s that people say only won because they were fan faves). She was nice to every person on her season, she is the sweetest person to meet as a fan and she continues to be supportive and kind to all of her sisters. I could go on forever but I’ll stop lol

40.   Least Favorite Season

Other than AS1 (loved the queens, hated that they weren’t able to shine on their own) I’d say Season 4. I still love Season 4, and would re watch it all the time if it were available on Amazon, but there was a lot of um...I don’t want to say filler but...yeah. Not that those queens aren’t awesome, the show just didn’t let us get to know them well enough to love them. 

43.   Favorite guest judge

LEAH REMINI!!!! Do I need to explain? lol iconic

44.   Best drag queen name

From the show? Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 lol! 1. I love that its a strain of weed 2. it is the most extra name ever 3. it fits her perfectly. Non rugirl? Ari Ola. She quit drag I think but I still live for that name! 

45.   Favorite Season 7 queen

You know damn well I cannot choose between Trixie and Katya, so I’ll say besides them it would be Violet. OH or Ginger. Fuck I also love Kennedy...Dammit...basically I love that whole cast with a burning passion.

Ok so that was lot! I could do a fucking TED talk for every single question lol! Thank you for asking and I am so sorry for the bombardment of answers! 

[artificialqueens]

Just The Game We're In- Chapter 5, Part I- Ortega

A/N: HELLO YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!! Do you see how quickly I can work now that I don’t have uni???? (yes a month and a half is quick work in terms of this fic). I have been so excited to bring you this chapter for ages, but i’ve actually split it into two parts because even I draw the limit at submitting 17.000 words all at once, there is only so much mobile users can take. Anyway, this evening we head to Alyssa Edwards’ charity ball. Enjoy! I love you all so much! i have the best readers in the world bc you are always both patient and forever excited and i love you for that. shoutout to my AQ Brit cheerleader hoes ur literally the best

Plot Summary: Willam is a senior political advisor to the government’s minister for social affairs and citizenship, Sharon Needles. Throw in a crush on co-worker Courtney, Sharon acting weird around Willam’s colleague Alaska, an incompetent press department headed by Actual Living Zombie Jinkx Monsoon, and Willam’s job couldn’t get much more stressful. No wonder spin doctor Bianca Del Rio is permanently at the end of her tether…

Question: How do you draw attention from a terrifyingly massive fuck-up of an interview?

Answer: Find redemption.

Except nothing was happening in politics the week before Christmas Day, so there was no way to find this redemption. Willam had already bore witness to the verbal colonic Bianca had thrown Sharon’s way in the wake of the Five Live interview, slapping down the day’s newspapers on her desk which had both Sharon and Phi Phi’s faces on their front looking incredibly sheepish. So Sharon had stayed low for the past week or so, the girls in the office flinging all their efforts behind her refugee housing policy ready for its release by New Year, when Sharon, Alaska and Violet would make the trip over to Brussels. Jinkx had even been behind its horrifically cheesy slogan- Sharon is caring- which made no sense if it wasn’t read in an American accent, but was sadly still the best efforts of a collective group of 5.

Willam was glad, though. Work had been incredibly high-octane of late and it was nice for the department to go into Christmas without feeling as if Bianca was throwing them at a hundred miles per hour towards a wall made of nails, broken glass, and fire. She didn’t know it was possible for the comms team to be even more laid-back than they already were, but they were; Trixie and Katya both on Amazon for each other’s Christmas presents whilst the other wasn’t looking, Jinkx on the phone to someone enquiring about Christmas turkeys, and Violet and Adore not even remotely disguising the fact they were watching Love Actually instead of doing their job. Occasionally an email would be sent or a phone would be picked up, but overall it was all quiet on the Westminster front.

It was great to see Courtney relaxed and happy again too. Their friendship was now completely mended and back to normal after the wobble of before, Courtney now even seeming a little more warm and like her out-of-work self, although that was probably down to the fact it was so close to the holiday season. Every day she would come into work more excited for Christmas than the day before and her cheerfulness was beginning to rub off on Willam, despite the fact that she hated the 25th of December with a burning passion. The pressure to be happy, especially with family, on Christmas Day was frightening and Willam dreaded it more and more each year. But somehow Courtney made her feel a bit better about it all, her voice lilting through the office and making Michael Buble that bit more bearable.

Their work wasn’t completely over, however. There was still one tiny little hurdle the department had to jump before they could celebrate Christmas, and that was Alyssa Edwards’ charity ball at the Dorchester. Alyssa was a Baroness, extremely wealthy and a member of the House of Lords, and yet somehow she wasn’t a complete and utter arsehole. Alyssa was well-renowned for using her money for good, setting up two childrens’ charities and using her wealth and notoriety to encourage everyone who was anyone in politics to donate to them. This ball was no exception, and there would be a lot of big names attending. Willam couldn’t help but feel a little excited. Darienne had never been extended an invite before, and therefore neither had her advisors. But presumably Alyssa had seen something of worth in Sharon, and so this was the first year that Willam had been invited to attend too. Sure, the whole night would really be about politics but she would rather be business networking surrounded by champagne and canapes than the same old scenery of the office.

It was for that reason that Willam arrived to work on the Friday morning absolutely buzzing for the evening ahead. It had been ages since she’d had the chance to dress up and admittedly she was looking forward to a night of mingling and experiencing how the other half lived. Walking from the lift to the corridor and into Dosac’s offices, she felt there was a similar sort of buzz in the air. Even the comms team were chatting excitedly.

“Morning, slagbags,” Willam hollered into the office, met with a couple of yells back. As she flung her bag and coat down on her desk, Courtney shot across the office on her wheely chair, making a beeline for where Willam stood.

“Will, oh my God! I’m so excited for tonight, I’ve been looking forward to it since literally forever,” she babbled, speaking at about seventy miles an hour and causing Willam to simply blink at her with both amusement and affection. 

“Yeah, you sound it,” she joked, flinching as Courtney walloped her on the arm.

“Let me have my moment! It’s a Baroness Edwards ball, Willam. This is a big fucking deal!!”

“Baroness Edwards. Girl, it’s Alyssa,” Willam laughed at Courtney’s formality.

Courtney looked up at her with one eyebrow raised, a look of disbelief on her face that Willam noticed made her look cuter than ever. “I’m just being polite. Have you met the woman? Has she said it’s okay to call her by her first name?”

“No, but you’ve seen her interviews. The woman is batshit mental,” Willam shrugged. Courtney mirrored her body language, clearly concluding that Willam was right. Alyssa was a little bit kooky and not by any means a stereotypical baroness; always joking and laughing in the House of Lords, acting as if every interviewer was her best friend, screeching and squawking and generally acting like a big joker. Many of her colleagues hated her, but she was so well-loved by the public that there was never really anything they could say. In Willam’s view, Alyssa Edwards was the best argument against abolishing the House of Lords that they had.

Turning her attention away from Courtney, hard as it was, Willam addressed the comms team who were still chattering like an excited flock of birds.

“What’s got you guys so hyped, anyway? It’s not like Alyssa extended her invite to you guys.”

“Shut up, you elitist cunt,” Katya laughed, throwing a pen at Willam from halfway across the room.

“If you must know,” Trixie leaned over in her chair and batted her lashes. “Us and the comms team from the opposition are having our own little ball this evening.”

“Trixie, stop calling it a ball,” Adore laughed loudly at her friend. Turning to address Willam, she explained. “We’re getting dressed up, eating at Wahacca, drinking until we can’t see and then going out.”  

“Wow, guys. Dream big,” Willam said blankly, earning her a packet of staples, this time from Violet.

“It’s a ball because we’re ballers,” Trixie said proudly, leaning back in her chair and receiving a disgusted glare from her girlfriend.

“I’m breaking up with you,” Katya said in her own deadpan way.

Jinkx piped up from behind her own monitor. “I have to say, I’m slightly jealous. Your evening is going to be far more fun than mine.”

“Jinkx, you’re getting to attend an Alyssa Edwards ball. Shut up,” Adore rolled her eyes at the senior press officer, Jinkx’s job title bagging her an invite too.

“Yeah, I’ll take your invite,” Violet offered playfully.

“Rather you than Jinkx, to be honest,” Willam quipped, laughing with Violet as Jinkx shot her a glare.

“I’d throw my post-its at you but I’d like the comms team to at least have some items of stationary left by the time Sharon arrives.”

“Shit!” Courtney looked at the clock and shot up from her chair. It was too late, however, as just then Sharon came round the corner and into the offices with her two red briefcases in her hands and Alaska just at her back.

“Courtney, I really would love to be met at the doors tomorrow. I mean, I am a cabinet minister, not a fucking bag lady,” Sharon chastised her, Courtney pulling a face as Alaska sat down at her desk.

“Why couldn’t you do it?” Courtney hissed at her friend as she sat down. Alaska sighed and shook her head.

“I was late. I had my own bags,” she said not-quite-apologetically as she logged in to her computer. Courtney rolled her eyes as she dragged her chair back over to her own desk and sat down on it.

“You’ve been late more than you’ve been early recently. Lask, I love you, but as your friend and your workmate, get your head out your ass,” she continued, typing forcefully into her own keyboard.

Willam momentarily thought to herself that it wasn’t her own ass Alaska needed to remove her head from.

“I mean, what must Sharon think?” Courtney tutted, her face now nervous. Just then, Sharon’s voice could be heard calling the girls through to the meeting room.

“Well we’re about to find out,” Alaska drawled lazily, swinging her chair round and leading the way towards the room at the top of the department, Willam, Courtney and Jinkx following behind her.

As soon as Willam entered the meeting room, she could see Sharon sitting at the head of the table, a massive excited smile on her face.

“Oh, Jesus, not you too,” Jinkx sighed as she sat down. Sharon raised an eyebrow at her, her expression completely changing.

“What me too?”

“Everyone’s pissing their pants for this charity ball but nobody’s actually seeing it for what it is, which is a massive money-making scheme for Alyssa Edwards’ businesses,” Jinkx sighed, crossing her legs lazily. Alaska snorted.

“They’re not businesses, Jinkx, they’re charities! They help kids.”

“Well, all I’m saying is that if Sharon ends up drunk and paying ten thousand pounds for a Birken bag at the auction, don’t come crying to me.”

“There’s a charity auction?! Ooh!” Sharon gasped excitedly, her pitch rising about an octave. Rolling her eyes, Jinkx pointed her pen in Sharon’s direction.

“Case and point.”

“There’s also poker and roulette tables!” Courtney chimed in, her excitement now reaching boiling point. Jinkx and Willam shared an exasperated look.

“Anyway,” Willam cut in before any more of the meeting was spent on anything else off-topic. “Why are we here, exactly?”

“Right, well,” Sharon started, at once business-like again. “Bianca’s heading here in ten minutes for a meeting, and I’m assuming it’s to brief me about tonight. So I want to be one step ahead. Ladies, give me the info.”

“So the main thing is that even though this night may be guising as recreational, it’s not. It’s all business,” Jinkx began, as the other girls nodded.

“We’ll introduce you to some big names and try to get them onside. Kimora Blac is very up-and-coming, it would be good to get in with her,” Courtney mused, leaning on the table with her elbows.

“Isn’t she just a Buzzfeed journalist? Do we really need Sharon’s coverage to be a listicle entitled ‘TWENTY REASONS WHY SHARON NEEDLES IS #MOM #BAE #QUEEN’?” Willam cut in with a sneer. Courtney frowned at her.

“Hey, she might work for Buzzfeed but she seems very astute. Her articles are really interesting, and she’d be good with The Independent if she ever decided to apply there. Her tweets always blow up too, she might come across as an airhead but she’s actually very sharp. We’ll get you talking,” Courtney insisted to Sharon, Willam shrugging and trusting her faith in the young journalist. 

“Anyone else?” Sharon asked hopefully.

“We’ll get you talking to Michaels again, she seemed keen last time and it’s good to keep up appearances,” Alaska suggested, earning her a nod from both Courtney and Jinkx. “We’ll try and introduce you to Raja Gemini too before she inevitably interviews you. She has a tendency to go ham on ministers she doesn’t see eye to eye with, so it’d be good to make a first impression in a more chilled environment.”

“Christ, no pressure,” Sharon exhaled loudly.

“It is a charity ball. That being said, don’t spend mad amounts of money,” Jinkx advised. “Just stay away from any opportunity to spend. The fundraisers are for the rich kids and for the parties who can afford to be seen spending money. We’re the working people’s party, not the spending people’s party.”

“It’s for charity, for fuck’s sake. Would the media really object to me spending if it was in aid of poor little kids with cholera?” Sharon sighed, kicking her feet up onto the table in front of her.

“Trust me, Sharon, it’s maybe not the best idea,” Courtney reasoned.

“Oh, and don’t be seen with a drink in your hand. You take one glass of free champagne and that’s it,” Willam said, her mind suddenly filled with nightmarish images of Sharon vomiting on the red carpet for the world’s media to see. Sharon’s face instantly grew disappointed. Alaska and the other girls laughed.

“Come on, Willam. Everyone will be drinking!” she chuckled, leaning back in her chair. Willam gave her a side glare.

“Well, do what you like. I’m not sold on it, but we can’t control you,” she shrugged, throwing her hands up in defeat.

“So champagne all round then,” Sharon cheered, Courtney clapping excitably in response. No more could be said, however, as a harsh voice rang out through the department and the unmistakable sound of stilettos on a carpeted floor came closer and closer to the meeting room. 

“No, I don’t care that he’s saying no. Well just get it done, right? Or I’ll turn you into a human fucking plug socket. And I can do that, by the way, I took all three sciences to A level,” Bianca hurtled into her phone as she arrived before swiping swiftly across the screen, the conversation clearly over. Pocketing her phone, she then turned to address the room. “Okay, good morning ladies. I hope you’ve all had a good night’s rest because the information I am about to impart to you is probably the most important thing you will hear all day, and I need you to retain it.”

Sharon leaned back in her chair lazily. “Bianca, it’s fine. These guys have briefed me already. The ball will be fine. It’ll be just like playing Sims. Mash the Schmooze button with every fucker I see.”

Bianca’s face was immediately painted with a sneer. “This…this is not about Alyssa Edwards’ fucking ball! I don’t care what you do at that, as long as you’re not seen sniffing ket off of the foreign secretary’s balls.”

“Well there’s no danger of that.” Jinkx piped up, bristling a little.

“What is this about, then?” Willam asked, suddenly intrigued. Bianca’s face did look very foreboding, as if she was about to impart knowledge that would make the fabric of reality split in two. Bianca took a quick look out of the glass-fronted office to see if anyone was hovering nearby. They weren’t. Seemingly satisfied, she leaned on the table and lowered her voice.

“The Prime Minister has finally decided to do something about the refugee crisis.”

Sharon’s face lit up. “Oh, thank God! This is amazing, we’re fina-”

“Hold your horses,” Bianca shut Sharon down, lifting one hand up to pause her. “It’s not what you’d expect. He’s…well, within the next few years…wants to take immigration out of government hands.”

There was a silence in the room. Willam was completely confused. Courtney was the first to speak.

“What so like…military control?”

“Privatisation.”

The mood in the room shifted considerably. Willam and Sharon shared a glance. From what Willam could gather, Sharon seemed tense.

“This…” she began, then stopped. Her brow was furrowed, and she appeared to be deep in thought. “I don’t understand how this is going to work.”

Bianca leaned against the glass door. She seemed not 100% at ease with it all either, as if she was the bearer of bad news. “Well, it’s standard privatisation. The government offer a contract for border control. Companies make offers. Lowest offer wins. They control the borders and immigration is out of government hands.”

“This surely isn’t-”

“Yes, Alaska. This is the PM’s legacy. He’s-”

There was suddenly a knock on the half-open glass door. As Willam craned her neck she saw Adore hovering nervously. The room fell silent and she seemed to take that as a cue to take one tentative step inside.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said quietly. Then, as her eyes rested on Jinkx, she seemed to relax a little. “Jinkx, we’re getting some calls about Alyssa’s ball tonight? There’s rumours that security are going to be keeping Sharon and Phi Phi away from each other?”

Jinkx gave a biblical roll of her eyes. “Who is it that’s phoning?”

Adore pulled a face. “The Sun, The Star. The Daily Mail potentially?”

“Tell them to stick a goose up their arse,” Jinkx snapped back. With a hasty nod of her head, Adore retreated. All focus was back to Bianca, whose face had suddenly taken on a suspicious glare.

“How long had she been there?”

“Oh, Bianca, for fuck’s sake. She’s just a civil service puppet, don’t worry about her. Who you should be worried about is me,” Sharon’s tone was suddenly dark as she looked Bianca dead in the eye. Willam was a little shocked, and judging by the panicked look she shared with Courtney, she wasn’t the only one. “Because I will be fighting this tooth and nail in parliament. This is not happening.”

“It’s sweet how you think this is up for debate. It isn’t. I came here to inform you of this because it will hit the press after New Year, and I want you aware of the line which is obviously that this is the greatest fucking idea since sliced bread. Except it’s better than that, because as good things go sliced bread is a bit fucking shit. Just say it’s the best thing since cocaine and strippers,” Bianca ended flippantly. Sharon narrowed her eyes.

“Bianca,” she began coldly, her voice shaking a little with anger. “I need you to understand that I am going to do everything in my power to ensure that this doesn’t go ahead.”

Bianca lowered her voice and drew her brows together, her face snarling in a scowl. “And I need you to understand that it is your job to ensure that it does go ahead. This is not up for debate, Sharon. ”

Seething, Sharon threw herself back in her chair, her head ricocheting off its headrest as if she was a crash test dummy. She folded her arms across her chest and her face looked deep in thought. Bianca ran a frustrated hand through her caramel curls and exhaled noisily, glad the conversation was over.

“Well. That’ll be that then. I’ll see you lot this evening, you’ll be able to find me at the bar drowning myself in amaretto and trying to pretend I’m interested in what Lord Huxby drones on at me.”

With a few muted goodbyes, Bianca was off again back through the department. As soon as she was out of earshot, Sharon instantly flew out of her seat.

 “What the fuck is the PM playing at?!” she yelled, pacing around the small space of office that wasn’t taken up by the huge table. “Privatisation? That’s meant to be Phi Phi’s fucking mantra, I mean what is this party turning into?!”

Nobody else in the room really knew what to say, least of all Willam. It did seem a strange move from the Prime Minister, and one that the public would surely pick up on. Sharon was still pacing, her entire aura one of rage.

“Minister, would you like me to prepare a statement to put out when the announcement of the legacy goes through?” Jinkx asked hesitantly, looking with anxiety at Alaska as she did so. Sharon stopped pacing, waving a hand at Jinkx dismissively.

“No, no thank you, Jinkx. I just need time to think, if everyone could maybe just give me some time on my own,” Sharon sighed, rubbing the back of her neck in agitation. “This is not happening. There is no way I’m letting the lives of immigrants get put in the hands of some company that’s just going to cut corners wherever it can. I just need to think of a way to oppose it without making too many waves.”

Willam let out an incredulous snort which turned all the heads in the room her way. She was a little taken aback, then explained. “Sorry, Sharon, I just don’t know how you’re going to fight the Prime Minister’s legacy without making too many waves.”

Sharon paused, then shrugged and gave a little half-smile. “Well maybe I’ll just have to capsize some motherfuckers.”

Giving her an amused smile, Willam got up and dutifully made to leave, Courtney and Jinkx following behind her. Willam didn’t miss the way Alaska hovered at the door as if to make sure Sharon didn’t want any company, but a reassuring glance from her girlfriend resulted in her leaving the room and shutting the glass door behind her. As they walked back to their desks, Courtney huffed a huge sigh.

“That was a lot,” she said, raising her eyebrows a little.

“Yeah. I’m concerned. I hope Sharon’s not going to do anything rash,” Alaska frowned, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Willam gave her a sideways glance.

“Come on, girl. She’ll be fine, she knows what she’s doing.”

Alaska’s shoulders slumped a little. “I just wish I could talk to her.”

Willam tensed a little, wondering if Courtney would pick up on the implications of Alaska’s statement. She didn’t seem to.

“Well, let’s just hope she’s out of her huff before Alyssa’s tonight. I don’t suspect the Baroness will take kindly to Sharon if she’s in a massive mood. Ooh, speaking of Alyssa’s!” Courtney beamed suddenly, an idea only just seeming to come to her. “Why don’t you guys come round to mine before we head to the Dorchester? Then Sharon’s car won’t have to go to every flat before arriving. We can get some cava or prosecco and have a chill. It’ll be cute!”

Willam felt like she’d been shocked by a defibrillator.  Why was she suddenly nervous? It was just spending time with friends, she’d done it before, but never in Courtney’s flat. The suggestion of this new setting panicked Willam a little, made everything feel a little more intimate. It shouldn’t have scared her so much.

Swallowing her nerves, Willam forced a smile on her face which she hoped made her look carefree and not constipated. “Sounds good, yeah. I’m down.”

“Same! It’ll be fun,” Alaska beamed, managing to sound ten times more relaxed than Willam felt. Excitement painted on her face, Courtney turned to the comms team.

“Jinkx? Come to mine before Sharon picks us up? We’ll have bubbles!”

Jinkx leaned back in her chair and gave the three an amused smile. “It’s a lovely offer, Courtney, but I think I’ll just get ready with a cup of tea and Nina Simone and Sharon can pick me up before yours. I’m staying off the bubbles this evening, just in case I’m needed.”

“Yeah, who knows. There might be a political emergency where they need someone with an extensive knowledge of televised Poirot murder mysteries,” Willam smirked, leaning back on her desk. Jinkx simply gave her a roll of her eyes. Secretly, though, Willam was glad they’d have two guaranteed sober members of Dosac there this evening. She should probably make it three. Willam was suddenly jolted out of her thoughts as Courtney grabbed both her and Alaska in an animated hug.

“This is going to be such a good night!” she squealed, squeezing them both tightly before legging go. As she returned to her desk, Willam walked back to her own in a slight daze. It didn’t make any sense for her to be nervous. Taking a deep breath, she tried to convince herself that there was nothing to get worked up about; tonight would just be a nice night with friends, and there was no real scope for anything to go wrong.

Casting an eye back up to the meeting room and seeing Sharon still deep in thought only made her worry increase tenfold.

***

Willam stood in front of the full-length mirror that had been crammed into one corner of her studio flat. Sighing and sucking her stomach in, she scrutinised herself ruthlessly. Her hair was good, that was a given. She’d managed to tame it and barrel-curl it into huge waves, then pin it over one shoulder in a sort of Jessica Rabbit style. It wasn’t really her. But it still looked good.

Her makeup was adequate at least. Anything that had gone wrong had been concealed over; one corner of her eye where her eyeliner had decided to backstab her now sported about 15 layers of the damn thing. She cursed herself for how basic she’d gone as she stared down her burnt gold smoky eye and red lip. Casting an eye down the rest of her body, that was where the real insecurity began. She’d fallen in love with her dress when she bought it, but with every passing second the doubt in her mind grew. The bodycon mid-length, long-sleeved cream dress with little dimantes all over it now seemed a horrific choice, like some tacky girl’s prom dress and not a smart ballgown meant for an incredibly opulent evening. Willam grabbed her invite from her adjacent dressing table and read it over again. Was this dress black tie? What even was black tie?! She didn’t wear a fucking tie!

Sighing, she acknowledged there wasn’t much she could do to change it now. Still, the apprehension and panic was eating her up inside. She knew this was still basically work; a massive ass-kissing event to try and get Sharon networked, but Willam also knew this meant she would get to spend an extensive length of time around both Courtney and alcohol and she tried to avoid those situations as much as possible for fear of her stupid mouth opening and saying something she shouldn’t. Thinking back to her uni days, she gave a little shudder at the sheer extent of things she could blame on just that. For a moment, she felt her throat go completely dry as she thought about what Courtney might wear.

She’d not been this nervous in a long time, in fact probably not since she started the job at Dosac all those years ago. She absolutely hated the feeling of not being able to control her palpitating heart, or her shallow breathing, or her pulse that was now thudding underneath her skin at the speed of a freight train. Anger was fine; she could generally channel that into something productive, and Willam never allowed herself to get sad (or at least that’s what she’d tell everyone), but nerves were different. No amount of logical, motivational internal speeches to herself would help. Sighing an incredibly shaky sigh, Willam peered at her phone and checked the time. She’d left enough minutes to allow for traffic so that she would get to Courtney’s bang on time, but now she was overthinking that too. If she was too early, that would seem weirdly keen. If she was late, she would seem rude. If she was on time it would seem like she’d overthought the situation, which she definitely wasn’t doing at all. With a sort of gulp of an intake of breath, Willam began dialling a taxi company to book, managing to speak to the operator despite the fact she felt her vocal cords would crack with how dry her throat was. After she’d confirmed the taxi, she did a double-check of her clutch bag to make sure she had her survival kit for the night. Phone, cards, a few twenties and tens. Keys, caffeine tablets. A miniscule sample bottle of perfume and her lipstick, as well as tissues just in case. She cursed whoever invented clutch bags for making it acceptable to carry a fucking tiny rectangle around under your arm of an evening. Suddenly remembering her invite, Willam folded it in half and stuck it inside her clutch, which was slowly beginning to resemble Mary Poppins’ carpet bag.

As her phone began to ring signalling the arrival of her taxi outside, Willam hurriedly slipped on a pair of nude heels- which she’d later realise didn’t go with her dress- and took one last look around her room of a flat before leaving. It was a total mess of clothes, makeup and hair products, but future Willam could deal with it. Opening the door and then clicking it closed, she carefully made her way down her stairwell and into the black cab that was waiting for her.

Now that she was on the road and on the way to Courtney’s Brixton flat, Willam felt herself calming down just a little. At least she was now on the move, and it wasn’t as if it would simply be the both of them alone together; Alaska would be there too and Willam supposed it was quite impossible to be nervous around the most relaxed human alive. Willam shot a quick text off to Courtney just to let her know she was on the way, and then decided to let herself relax just a little. She couldn’t at all, but at least the effort had been made to try.

Soon enough the taxi pulled up outside Courtney’s unthreatening-looking apartment building. Willam crammed one of her notes through the little pane of Perspex glass that separated driver and passenger and stepped outside, clip-clopping up to the front door and pushing the buzzer for Courtney’s flat. She was met around five seconds later with a loud buzz as the front door was opened, allowing Willam to walk up one flight of stairs. She felt as if she was walking into either heaven or hell; the giddy excitement and the underlying feeling of dread she felt simultaneously made it hard to tell which. Reaching Courtney’s door, she almost felt like the breath was being knocked out of her lungs as it opened, only to find Alaska on the other side of it smiling widely and holding a champagne flute full of orange juice.

“Hiiieee, girl!” she squealed as she wrapped Willam in a welcoming hug, her signature greeting providing Willam with a sense of comfort in the chaos that was currently her mind. “Come in, Court’s not ready yet. Shock.”

Stumbling slightly as Alaska showed her to the living room, Willam quickly scanned her surroundings. Courtney’s flat seemed small but modern, although it had definitely had a couple of previous owners judging by general wear and tear- a scuff on a skirting board here, a chip out of the plaster in one wall there. Then again, Willam would be loath to judge her based on the state she left her own flat in. Alaska ushered Willam through to a bright, airy-looking living room, with two medium-sized leather sofas providing bookends for a coffee table with a few bottles of nail polish, some empty champagne flutes, an open bottle of prosecco, and a few crumpled pieces of cotton wool sitting on top of it. There was a wall-mounted TV sitting at one end of the sofas, and at the other end of the room there was a simple dining setup with a table and six mismatched chairs.

“You look beautiful, girl,” Alaska smiled at Willam, picking up an empty flute and filling it with prosecco.

“Thanks, so do you,” Willam simultaneously accepted and returned the compliment, still getting used to her new surroundings as she accepted the glass that Alaska shoved into her hand without even thinking. She hadn’t planned on drinking anything tonight, but she was beginning to feel as if she’d need just one glass. Realising how flippantly she’d given the compliment back, she examined Alaska’s outfit more closely. She’d gone for a floor-length dress, a simple strapless royal blue number with a fishtail lower half. Her hair was pinned up, but not in its usual bird’s nest; instead it was arranged in an elaborate set of plaits and twists that made for an intricate bun. Her make-up had clearly been well thought-out, and was immaculate as a result.

“So how much of tonight is really going to be about work?” Alaska asked dryly, raising one perfect eyebrow. Willam let out a laugh.

“A solid 100%,” she instantly replied, pausing as she took a sip from her glass. The prosecco was good. “All it’s going to be is us introducing Sharon to various wankers from the media and hoping she goes down well.”

“Well there’s no question around that, of course she will,” Alaska shrugged, leaning back on the couch. Willam felt her top lip curl in disagreement.

“Alaska you’re biased as fuck,” she said simply, Alaska rolling her eyes as she was met with words she clearly didn’t want to hear.

“Yeah, but come on Will. Even you have to admit she’s likeable, and I know you don’t even like many people.”

Willam simply shrugged and took a sip of her prosecco. It was working wonders to loosen her up, although she was still acutely aware of the fact that Courtney hadn’t emerged from her room yet. Alaska seemed to think the same thing in the silence.

“COURT! Hurry the fuck up, Willam’s about to drink all your alcohol,” she yelled through the walls, Courtney giving a muffled reply that Willam couldn’t really make out. Alaska shook her head and laughed long-sufferingly, then seemed to pick up on Willam’s anxiety.

“She looks beautiful, by the way,” Alaska mentioned nonchalantly, avoiding Willam’s death glare by staring into her glass of orange juice.

“Don’t you dare,” Willam pointed one fake-nailed talon towards her friend as a simple warning.

“I’m not doing anything! I’m just saying,” Alaska smiled smugly, tipping a little more of her orange juice into her mouth. Swallowing, she continued. “Do you think you’ll say anything to her tonight?”

“No, and I won’t be saying anything to her for a considerable amount of time. This conversation is ending now,” Willam barked a reply, Alaska’s questioning only putting her further on edge. She didn’t mean to upset her friend and snap, but she was already so anxious and nervous that talking about the situation would surely make it worse. Alaska seemed to take Willam’s nerves on the chin though, simply raising her eyebrows in amusement. Relaxing her face, she then took out her phone, glancing at it for a few seconds. Willam watched as her face grew disappointed.

“You alright, girl?” she asked, concerned about her friend who now seemed to be attempting to conceal her feelings.

“Oh, yeah. Sure! I just…Sharon. Just sent me a photo. And she looks so amazing, and I’m so proud to call her my girlfriend, you know?” Alaska sighed, Willam feeling the weight of her heavy heart hanging in the atmosphere.

“Well that’s good, right? Nothing about what you said is something to be sad about, unless I’ve taken a bump to the fucking skull and woken up in a world where happy is now sad, and sad is now happy, and Lorraine Kelly is the president of Iran, and cous-cous has been privatised,” Willam joked, trying to lighten the mood. It earned her one very weak smile from Alaska.  

“No, I’m happy! Of course I’m happy. It’s just…well, I wish I could show her off to everyone tonight and be public and proud of her and disgustingly PDA,” she shrugged, her shoulders radiating disappointment. Willam was confused.

“Girl, not that it’s any of my business but when are you gonna go public? You and Sharon can’t stay under wraps forever, she’s a politician. The media are on her like a hawk 24/7.”

Alaska rolled her eyes. “I know that, Will, of course I know that. It’s not without want of trying. I mean, our whole first date we couldn’t do anything like what couples would normally do in case there were paps somehow nearby. She was so paranoid. She still is.”

Remembering her political stance, Willam pulled a face. “To be fair, I guess she’s trying to keep the professional balance. You have to remember she’s still your boss, girl.”

Sighing, Alaska nodded and picked at a piece of her nail polish that had already developed a chip. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. And I mean I’ll always support Sharon’s career, she’s good at what she does, and that’s not me being biased. I knew what I was getting myself into when I fell for her, I’ve only got myself to blame. I just…sometimes wish we were a normal couple, you know?”

Willam gave a nod of support, and the two sat in companionable silence for a while. Willam was worried for Alaska. She was such a sweet friend, and Willam had never seen her with someone before. She was so conflicted, the professional and personal sides of her brain sitting like a small devil and a small angel on her shoulders. On the one hand, it would be hell for the party if it got out that Sharon was seeing one of her advisors, but on the other all Willam really wanted was for Alaska to be happy, which was clearly what she was. Willam couldn’t help but wonder, though, how long such a relationship could go on for. From her calculations Sharon and Alaska had been together for a month now, a month of sneaking around together and doing everything secretively and privately. It was a little what Willam imagined cheating to feel like, except she couldn’t quite work out who the two women were actually cheating on. It had only been just over two weeks when Willam had found out about them and even that was completely by accident. If the media even got a whiff of an inter-party relationship and made the effort to investigate it, who knew how long it would take before they could raise hell with the information. It made Willam shudder a little.

“You are being careful though, right girl? You and Sharon,” she said quietly, breaking the silence. Alaska snorted playfully.

“Yeah. She uses condoms and I’m on the pill and neither one of us is pregnant.”

Willam couldn’t help but splutter a laugh mid-way through a sip of prosecco. “Bitch, shut up! You know what I mean. I’m only looking out for you. I don’t want the media treating you guys as their chew toy.”

Clearly not in the mood to be serious, Alaska rested her head in her hands and looked affectionately at Willam. “Aww, is Willam Belli actually being…nice? Showing concern? This is impossible. Next minute she’ll be surrounded by bluebirds and shedding tears.”

“You know I had my tear ducts cauterised shut at the age of 12,” Willam joked back, leaning back in her chair and finally relaxing, trusting Alaska’s judgement. She felt her heart give a little judder, however, as she heard a pair of heels approaching from the corridor behind her and saw Alaska’s eyes dart to just behind Willam’s shoulder.

“Well this was a weird point to enter the conversation,” Courtney’s voice suddenly filled the living room, and Willam had to steel herself before she turned round and saw her.

Courtney looked so stunning that Willam momentarily lost her breath. She was wearing black, a colour that she never really wore regularly but which suited her immensely. Her dress was floor-length with a little black lace train at its back, and the bodice was slightly corseted which served to pull her in at the waist. There were little patterned black flowers adding texture here and there, and her shoes could barely be seen under the sheer length of the gown. Her makeup was dark and smoky, a style which Willam was sure Courtney had never worn before but she looked beautiful for it. Her hair cascaded in curls that framed either sides of her face. Willam very suddenly became acutely aware of two things: one, that she now felt like a tramp compared to her two friends and two, that she was now more nervous than she’d ever been in her life.

Courtney seemed to pick up on Willam’s awed stare, as her expression became a little apprehensive. “Fuck. It’s too much, isn’t it? I knew I’d be overdressed, I fucking told Trixie I’d be overdressed, but she made me buy it and ugh, I need to go and change because everyone’s going to be staring at me and-”

“Court,” Willam found herself yelling slightly at her worried friend, if she could even call what she felt for Courtney friendship any more. Courtney stopped talking abruptly, looking at Willam with a little shock in her eyes. Willam tried to summon moisture from somewhere to save her mouth, which now was so dry that it could’ve rivalled Ghandi’s flip flop. “Don’t change. You look really good.”

Willam felt like kicking herself for how feeble the compliment seemed. She’d wanted to say beautiful, or stunning, or incredible, but everything seemed too strong and Courtney would have suspected something. She needn’t have worried, though, as Courtney’s face instantly lit up, pleased that she had the approval of her friend.

“You look amazing, girl,” Alaska chimed in, handing Courtney a glass of prosecco that Willam was unsure when she’d poured. “Come sit, Sharon’s car isn’t meant to pick us up for another half hour at least.”

Obliging, Courtney opted to sit beside Willam on the couch facing Alaska. Willam noticed that Courtney must have been wearing new perfume, one that smelt of vanilla and jasmine and made Willam’s heart hurt at how much she wanted to just blurt out something she shouldn’t.

Draining her glass and reaching for the prosecco bottle, Willam looked up at the wall-mounted clock. Half an hour until they were picked up by Sharon.  She could get through this.

***

Willam was happy. Really quite pleasantly happy in fact, as if there was a warm blanket that had been draped over her after her third glass of prosecco. She should probably stop drinking soon. She’d have to have some champagne when she got to the ball, otherwise it would look odd. But when Courtney had unearthed two more bottles of fizz from her fridge, it became increasingly hard to say no.

She was a lot less nervous as well, although she wasn’t sure how much of that was thanks to the prosecco. Willam wasn’t sure why she’d been nervous about coming round to Courtney’s flat. Courtney was so lovely and relaxed, and definitely generous with the top-ups. Every so often Alaska would make a joke, or do an impression of Bianca or Jinkx, and Courtney would laugh so hard she would flail her arms and her hands would come to rest on Willam’s arm, or her thigh, or her hand. She supposed any other time it would have made her even more nervous, but now she simply reciprocated, mirroring Courtney’s hands and making them look a little like Siamese twins. Every time Courtney shot a smile Willam’s way, she felt her heart melt a little bit more, but the feeling wasn’t like how she felt every day at work. The prosecco gave her a little buzz and made her a little more hopeful that Courtney reciprocated her feelings, and only reinforced the sense that this night had something magical about it. Every so often Willam felt that the energy between her and Courtney was electric, especially when Alaska left the room to pee at one point and left the two girls alone together. They were both so giggly and touchy and flirty, although Willam wasn’t sure how much of that was in her own head, and she’d often been very close to closing the ever-decreasing gap between them and kissing Courtney like she’d wanted to all this time.

It was a good thing, then, that Sharon’s car arrived when it did. Around ten minutes late, Courtney heard the sound of the car horn from her window long before she heard her flat intercom buzzer, and started hurrying Willam and Alaska out, Willam sort of blindly grabbing her clutch bag and her coat and hoping she had everything she needed.

She had Courtney, though, and she supposed she’d be alright with just her.

Rushing out of Courtney’s stairwell and clip-clopping into the taxi, Willam was met by Sharon and Jinkx already inside. She couldn’t really see what either of them were wearing, but from what she could see they both looked good; Jinkx scrubbing up well in an off-shoulder black and white striped dress and Sharon in what seemed to be a black sequin dress which complimented her figure. As she raised her arm up to wave, Willam could see it was long-sleeved. Sitting in the far right hand seat, Willam watched as Alaska’s eyes widened when she saw her girlfriend, Sharon smiling shyly at her as Alaska clambered into the car.

“You look…amazing,” Alaska said, her voice full of awe as she took her seat beside Willam. Sharon looked to the ground momentarily, clearly flattered by her girlfriend’s reaction.

“So do you. Absolutely beautiful,” she replied. Willam could see that the both of them were desperate to hold each other’s hands or do something that any other couple would do upon seeing the person they loved looking their absolute best. It was the sort of thing Willam had been contemplating earlier and now she was seeing it played out in front of her, a sad sort of tragedy to the whole scene. Sharon seemed to snap out of whatever spell she had been under and instead turned to compliment Courtney who was climbing into the back seat. Willam didn’t miss the way Alaska looked to the floor, her eyes a little disappointed. Nudging her, Willam gave her a sympathetic smile. Alaska smiled back gratefully.

“Jinkx! You look incredible!” Courtney exclaimed, each syllable more drawn-out than the last as she reached over and planted both her hands on Jinkx’s knees. Raising one eyebrow, the senior press officer gave Courtney a suspicious look.

“You look drunk,” she replied dryly. With that, the other three girls in the car burst out laughing, the amount of prosecco Willam had drunk making everything seem that little bit funnier. Jinkx didn’t seem impressed. “Ladies, please! Pull yourselves together, what is Baroness Edwards going to think?”

“She’s going to think we’re total legends,” Sharon smiled smugly, Willam only just noticing the slight smell of white wine from her indicating she’d done a bit of pre-drinking of her own. A sudden sense of dread began to form in the pit of Willam’s stomach, making her feel as if perhaps she shouldn’t have drunk all that prosecco after all. On the plus side, Sharon seemed a lot more relaxed and carefree that she’d been earlier at work, so if anything at least she would be a happy drunk.

“Sharon, ask your driver if we can put some Cascada on!” Courtney practically yelled. As Sharon turned to face the driver’s seat, Alaska put a hand out to stop her.

“We’re not turning up to the red carpet with Cascada blaring out the car,” she admonished her, Willam glad that Alaska was another representative for sobriety. As Sharon and Courtney both pouted, Willam found herself wondering how long the car journey had to go. Roughly twenty more minutes of Courtney and Sharon begging for some “sick bangers”, Alaska and Willam almost wetting themselves with laughter, and Jinkx attempting to be the voice of reason was followed by the car coming to a complete stop with the driver getting out of the front seat and opening the side door, exposing the five of them to one long strip of red, the Dorchester’s glamorous entranceway, and a border of bright flashing bulbs. Willam felt her throat close up slightly. The nerves were back in full force as she realised the sheer scale of what they were about to enter into. Sharon got out of the car confidently, followed by Alaska and then Jinkx. Only Willam and Courtney remained in the car. Glancing at Courtney, she looked as nervous as Willam felt.

“Hey,” Willam caught her attention, Courtney’s doe eyes wide in fear. “We’ll be fine. This evening will be fine.”

She couldn’t help that she instantly wanted to reassure and protect Courtney. It seemed to kick in in situations like these, almost instinctive. As Courtney smiled at her, Willam felt her heart almost explode as Courtney suddenly reached for Willam’s hand and took it in her own.

“You know, Will, I never told you how amazing you look tonight,” Courtney said, her words slurring only a little bit. As she gave Willam’s hand one final squeeze, let it go and began to leave the car, Willam felt as if her palms had never been sweatier. In her alcohol-soaked mind, she had no idea whether or not Courtney’s compliment was sincere or just as a result of all the alcohol she’d drank herself. With her heart beating so fast she felt she would faint, Willam clambered out of the car in a daze.

Walking a red carpet was something Willam had never done before and something she never really wanted to do again. It was a weird experience, with too many bright lights and people shouting and fake smiles and awkward poses. Sharon, however, seemed in her element, stopping every so often to have her photo taken and each time making Willam pray she was sober enough to decide against pulling out a peace sign or a dab or something akin to the two. By a miracle, the five managed to make it inside the Dorchester without any PR disasters.

Immediately, the elegance of the entire place was apparent. The marble floor glistened as if it was glass, and identical marble pillars stood at either side of the doorway welcoming them. The wallpaper was cream and completely pristine without a single scuff or scratch on it. Willam scarcely had time to take in the rest of her surroundings as a large doorman prompted them for their invitations. Willam dug inside her clutch bag and handed it over, a little embarrassed by how crumpled it had become. Having established that none of them seemed to be gatecrashers, the doorman gave them a friendly smile and unlocked the small red velvet rope that separated the entrance from the grand ballroom.  

Here, Willam felt even more overwhelmed, and by the reactions of the others she wasn’t alone. The ballroom looked exactly like something from a Disney film; the marble continued from the hallway, leading down an ornate staircase and onto an ornately patterned floor where hundreds of glamorous media presences stood and chatted to one another. The walls were just as lavish, the champagne-coloured wallpaper interrupted every so often by a vase full of white lilies on a marble plinth, or a stone mantelpiece, or a section of wall covered entirely by mirrors. There was another room just jutting off to the left hand side, which Willam could see held a bar and the promised roulette tables. A small orchestra sat on the opposite side of the room, playing something classical that Willam couldn’t even begin to recognise. As she stood and drank in her surroundings, she turned to face the others. Alaska looked very similar to when she first saw Sharon. Jinkx was practically slack-jawed. The fear was very much back in Courtney’s eyes and Sharon was frozen still.

“Maybe there’s a mistake. Maybe we shouldn’t be here,” Sharon muttered, clearly overwhelmed by her surroundings. Alaska immediately protested.

“No! No mistake. You deserve to be here, Sharon, you’ve made a good impression and tonight is about that! Look at you,” she finished quietly, gesturing to Sharon’s dress. “You have every right to be here.”

Taking a deep breath, Sharon seemed to swallow her anxiety and nodded, taking Alaska’s hand and giving it a quick squeeze.

“So. What now?” Jinkx asked, shuffling a little on the spot. No sooner had she asked that question was Willam immediately alerted to a cry that appeared to come from the middle of the ballroom.

“There she is!” came the unmistakable voice of Baroness Edwards, who seemed to half-elbow her way through the crowd and up the stairs to where Sharon stood. Willam was a little taken aback- Alyssa was a huge presence, her smile so hugely bright and giving the impression that Sharon was an old friend and not just someone she’d never met before in her life. Her gown was equally as loud as she was; bright yellow and patterned with glittering jewels. Her light brown hair was swept up into an elaborate bun, making absolutely nothing about her outfit understated at all. She was intimidating, but not necessarily in a bad way.

“Baroness, it’s such a pleasure,” Sharon replied humbly, Willam glad that her surroundings seemed to sober her up a little. “Thank you so much for inviting us here this evening. Everything looks beautiful!”

Alyssa howled in protestation, smacking Sharon on the arm and causing her to flinch. “Don’t you give me all that Baroness nonsense! It’s Alyssa to you, darling.”

Tuning out of Alyssa’s ramblings, Willam looked over to Courtney and gave her a smug smile, reminded of their earlier conversation. Courtney stuck her tongue out in retaliation, the two both giggling like children.

“I just had to have you here after the big splash you’ve made ever since you came on the scene, Miss Shamu! Oh no, that makes it sound like I’m calling you fat,” Alyssa reeled back in horror, then howled with laughter. “But you know what I mean, Miss Thing! You’ve been causing a commotion, like Madonna. There we are, see, Madonna’s a better comparison.”

Willam was nothing short of amazed that Sharon was managing to follow the conversation without being slightly horrified.

“Well, you and I both know how frantic politics can get, Miss Edwards,” she shrugged, keeping her tone formal. “And sometimes it’s necessary to rock the boat a little.”

“Yes, ma’am! Guys and Dolls style,” Alyssa vehemently agreed, nodding so hard that Willam thought her bun would come apart. “Well, keep up the good work, Miss Needles. The world needs more politicians like you, that’s for certain. Now, you enjoy this evening, won’t you? That’s one thing I want the most from everyone here. That and their money!”

With that, Alyssa gave another yelp of laughter, gripping Sharon’s arm for dear life as she got her breath back.

“It’ll be a lovely night, Miss Edwards, and thank you once again for the invite,” Sharon smiled at her. With an affectionate smile back and a quick hug, Alyssa was gone, now shouting down the corridor as she spied another new arrival. As she watched the Baroness retreating, Sharon turned to the others and gave them all a look of sheer disbelief.

“I feel like I just met the human incarnation of caffeine,” she said blankly, still slightly dazed. Just then, a smartly-dressed waiter with a silver drinks tray approached the group. Sharon gratefully took a tall glass of champagne, Courtney following after. Willam decided to decline.

“You did very well, Sharon. I think you made a very good first impression,” Jinkx praised her, Courtney and Alaska nodding proudly.      

“Just do that with everyone you meet tonight and we might have world domination on our hands,” Willam smiled, admittedly proud of the minister. Sharon had done well. Maybe she didn’t need to be so worried. Suddenly, Willam became aware of a presence behind her.

“Oh, well, let’s not get carried away,” a voice laughed rather affectedly. Whipping around, Willam was faced with Phi Phi O’Hara and the Satanic Tweedledee and Tweedledum themselves, Roxxxy and Detox. Their dresses were all equally brash, a mismatched colour chart of hot pink, cream and some pattern made up of lime green and blue. A suited man hung on Detox’s arm, which Willam had an infinite number of questions about. None of them could be answered, however, as Sharon was already giving Phi Phi a faux-pleasant smile.

“Phi Phi, what a tremendous, massive, overwhelming pleasure this is,” she smiled sarcastically, punctuating the end of her sentence with a sip of champagne. Phi Phi simply laughed a little in response.

“I trust you’re enjoying the evening so far? It must be really intimidating, you know, coming and seeing the elite of society all mingling together in one of the most elegant settings available. I’d feel quite out of my depth if I were you,” Phi Phi shrugged, Roxxxy smirking behind her. “The ballroom is quite overwhelming for anyone who hasn’t visited before. I’m not so unfortunate, I mean I actually had my 21st birthday party here. And my 16th.”

“Was this before or after your Dad kicked a homeless man in the face?” Willam found herself saying, shocking herself slightly but only blinded by the anger she felt coursing through her veins. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Willam heard a splutter of laughter from behind her, but she couldn’t tell who it had come from. Phi Phi looked as if she’d been slapped. Detox spoke up from behind her.

“You know there’s a lot of journalists here this evening, Willam. You should watch what you say.”

“Oh, hey Detox. Nice date, where’d you get him? The fuckin’ pound store?” Willam continued, the words tumbling from her mouth like vomit. Someone behind her was now fully cracking up, and from the laugh she recognised it as Alaska. All four guests in front of Willam were now looking suitably shut down, looking as if they wished to be anywhere than in front of their opposition. Phi Phi gave a little sniff of derision.

“Yes. Well. Enjoy your evening. I hope you don’t make any horrific social faux pas, Sharon. Would be a shame to see your face on the front pages tomorrow, especially when I’m announcing my new policy.”

“Turn your policy on its ass and spin on it,” Willam snapped, heartily sick of the sight of the people in front of her. With a raise of her eyebrows, Phi Phi led her small clique away down the stairs. Still full of rage, Willam breathed a huge sigh and turned around to face her friends. Courtney, Alaska and Sharon were beaming at her. Jinkx looked vaguely ill.

“Willam, don’t ever-”

“Oh, Jinkx, shut up! That was fucking amazing. I want that on tape,” Alaska cried excitedly, happy that the opposition had been put in their place.

“Did she say she was announcing tomorrow? Why haven’t I heard about this?” Jinkx questioned, her tone full of concern. Courtney gave her a smile of reassurance.

“Don’t worry, Jinkx. She was probably just bluffing, the big sack of wind that she is.”

“She’s a big sack of a lot of things,” Willam practically hissed, still absolutely livid. She calmed a little as Courtney stroked her arm in an attempt to calm her down.

“Shh. You’ve shut her up now, Miss Hero of the Night,” Courtney giggled, her voice having the same effect on Willam’s rage as water on fire. “Should we go find Bianca? I kind of want to see what she looks like in a ballgown. Morbid fascination, you know?”

As Willam nodded and made to move away, she was interrupted by a smart waitress with another drinks tray full of long flutes of champagne. Shrugging, Willam reached out and took one from the shining silver platter, thanking the girl as she left. Taking a sip, the cold, slightly metallic taste soothed her anger a little more.

What harm would another drink do, after all?

[another-chorus-girl]

TAG GAME

Rules: a) always post the rules, answer the questions then write 11 questions of your own b) tag 11 people and link them to the post c) tell the person who tagged you that you’ve answered your questions. questions made by @opera-ghost (<3 you darling, thanks for tagging me!)

click below the cut, my dudes :)

1.) Favorite movie adaptation of POTO?

I would say the 25th anniversary performance at RAH but that’s not necessarily a movie. So I would say either the 1989 Robert Englund film as it has some nice Leroux elements (and I love Englund’s Freddy Krueger-esque lines) or the 1925 Lon Chaney film as it’s very true to the novel and I love silent films. If they hadn’t changed the ending I probably would say it’s the best version.

2.) Favorite song from the ALW Musical and why?

“Music of the Night” no question. It’s a beautiful tune, it’s very much like both a lullaby and a serenade. It’s that one beautiful moment in the show where Erik let’s out the true beauty and passion he holds for music as he sings this to Christine. In general I think I would go as far to say that MotN is one of my top favorite songs of all time. 

3.) Opinion on the Persian? (give him a goddamn part in the movie)

My God, this poor man is so neglected in adaptation. Reading the book Daroga was and is (as well as Erik) my favorite character in the story. I want to know more about him. Better yet, people keep saying The Persian needs a part in a Phantom movie or the show (and he totally does!) but hear me out. We got Erik’s backstory in Susan Kay’s “Phantom”, how about a story about Daroga’s life? Eh? Eh?

4.) Opinion on Universal’s potential Dark Universe POTO remake?

Well last time a Phantom film was made, I was not overly impressed (that means you Gerard Butler). So while I’m holding out hope that this movie will redeem Phantom on the silver screen, I’m also a little fearful where they’ll be going with it. 

5.) Favorite character (aside from the main three)?:

The Persian. But if we’re talking ALW musical and not allowed to pick the main three I would say Madame Giry.

6.) Have you read Susan Kay’s Phantom? What’s your opinion of it?

Yes I have, and finally came to own a copy a couple of months ago (thanks Amazon!) It’s a great read if you’re a Leroux fan, ALW fan, or both. Ironically the chapters regarding Erik and Christine are a little boring to me, but Erik’s journey to Persia with Nadir and his time as a craftsman with Giovanni are a delight to imagine to be part of Erik’s backstory.

7.) Favorite pairing? Or OT3 or OT4 (if you like E/C/R or any other poly ship)?

Hmm while I do write alot of E/C or E/C implied fics, I actually like R/C as much as E/C. But for favorite? Really I don’t care who it is, if someone can make Erik feel loved and happy, I’m on board with it 

8.) Favorite POTO fic? (I am low-key looking for recommendations…)

There are so many good ones out there. If I had to pick one-and if you want a long read, I recommend “Second Chance” by weepingwillow2616 https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4854921/1/Second-Chance E/OC Story, in progress.

9.) What would you do if you met Erik? (If he didn’t kill you on sight)

Aside from flipping out like an over hyper fangirl, I would want to talk to him, go to his house on the lake with him, hear him play his music. Just...give him some company, the poor thing seems so lonely.

10.) How do you feel about Love Never Dies?

BURN IT. BURRRRRN IIIIIT- *ahem* ‘scuse me. Well as much as I love PotO, I really think a sequel was unnecessary. But if it were I would say almost anything would be better than the trainwreck that is Love Never Dies. It destroys the lesson Erik learns when he lets Christine go at the end of the original. While I wasn’t a huge Raoul fan in Phantom, what was good about his character is demolished, turning him to the life of a spoiled, gambling drunk that treats his wife terribly, yet by “Why Does She Love Me?” I actually feel sorry for this jerk. Gustauve serves little to no purpose other than furthering the plot-albeit dragging it-I hate how petty and selfish the Girys have been made into. All in all every single character in this musical has had their personalities ripped inside out and all but Erik have their lives destroyed-and somehow in this adaptations where the Phantom (sorta) wins I absolutely cannot stand what he has done to everyone in this story. Shame on you ALW, shame on you.  

11.) Favorite actor to play the Phantom in the ALW Musical?

All hail the great Michael Crawford! *bows* This man’s voice, his mannerisms, his voice, the look...did I mention his voice? While I know he isn’t everyones cup of tea and some have said “Oh but he’s so creepy as the Phantom” Did you READ the original? While Erik is very romanticised in the ALW musical he’s not suppose to come off as a sexy stud (again looking at you Butler >:( ). But even still Crawford’s Erik brings something sensual and dark to his character. Erik can be gentle as a lamb when he serenades Christine with MotN but evilly cackle like a mad, drunken demon during Ill Muto just before killing a man. And Crawford’s “All I Ask of You Reprise” and “Final Lair” are absolutely heart breaking to listen to, you truly feel so sorry for this poor man. He is and will always be my ideal Phantom.

Alrighty, here are my questions:

1.) What are your thoughts on the 2004 Phantom movie?

2.) Do you think Christine and Erik had even a teeny small chance of having a sturdy relationship if things went differently? Why or why not?

3.) What’s your favorite quirk Erik does in the ALW musical? (ex. body language, cape twirl, HANDS, etc.)

4.) In the book, Daroga mentions saving Erik’s life. In your mind how do you think he did this?

5.) If you had no choice but to pick three songs from Love Never Dies and had to play them on loop for an hour, what would they be?

6.) Which Erik had the best deformity to you in the ALW musical?

7.) Which Erik do you prefer most? (ex. “Erik”, Lerik, Merik, Gerik, Cherik, Destler, etc.)

8.) Ignoring the events of Love Never Dies, where do you see Erik, Christine, Raoul, and Meg in ten years?

9.) Do you prefer blonde Christine or brunette Christine?

10.) Which Christine is your favorite and least favorite in the ALW musical?

11.) If you had to take a song out of PotO what would it be and why?

I will tag: 

chris--daae, angle-of-music, your-obedient-phantom, accursedugliness, musique-de-la-nuit, inbetweeness, phantom-of-the-trash-blog, scorpion-or-grasshopper, let-my-opera-begin, get-me-an-erik, erik-what-the-fuck