#but having to deal with -the other- parts of life is getting increasingly horrible

[catmiemy]

Not All Change Is Bad (Lia Wälti x Reader)

Summary: Now that you know Lia has feelings for you, you have to figure out where to go from there.

The next morning you woke up exhausted, only having managed to fall asleep for a few minutes at a time. You were weirdly relieved when you checked your phone and it was finally an acceptable time to get up.

A/N: Thanks to the long weekend I actually finished this second part already. You can find the first part here.

This got a bit longer than I thought and I didn't even include most of the fluff at the end that I already planned out. So potentially there could be a third part focused more on happiness with a bit of angst. Let me know if you'd liked to read that. :)

Nadine was still sleeping soundly, so you didn’t have to deal with her seeing the mess you were. You headed straight to the bathroom, annoyed with yourself when you saw how horrible you looked in the mirror. There were dark bags underneath your red eyes, spots all over your cheeks from rubbing away all the tears and your hair resembled a bird’s nest from all the tossing and turning you had done.

You quickly went to work to make yourself more presentable. The last thing you wanted was for Lia to feel guilty when she saw you. You would be damned if you made this any harder for her than it had to be, and if the only thing you could do was pretend you were okay you would do that.

In your noble quest you completely forgot to take into consideration that to Lia’s eyes it would seem like this whole situation hadn’t affected you at all. She almost burst into tears when she saw how put together you looked, the only thing saving her from it, was Ana pointing out all the signs that you were actually not fine that were right underneath the surface of your carefully crafted façade.

The whole camp felt like torture to you and more than once you wished it was finally over. But every time you did you remembered that at Arsenal you would still see Lia, who could barely look into your direction anymore and darted away whenever you were anywhere close to her, almost every day. And back home Jessica was waiting for you.

Your girlfriend and you still hadn’t talked or even texted, which wasn’t too uncommon on Jessica’s part after an argument. Her go to reaction was to completely ignore you, while you usually did everything to get your girlfriend to forgive you, sending long, heartfelt texts, buying her small gifts, apologizing over and over again. You had never questioned if this was okay or healthy, and you didn’t really question it now, you just didn’t have the energy to do it, so you didn’t.

Every once in a while you remembered how you had completely ignored her call after you had asked to talk that night and were hit by a pang of guilt. You should reach out to your girlfriend. And you also should talk to Lia, make things easier for her. You should be fine with all of this, you should communicate more and better, you shouldn’t let this distract you from football, you shouldn’t feel like hiding away for the rest of your life.

As the days passed you became increasingly frustrated with yourself and your inability to do any of the things you should do. The only thing you managed to do halfway decently was keep up appearances well enough. Sure, many of your teammates checked in with you, but they accepted your forced smile and your fake cheerfulness as you assured them that you were totally fine.

Ana was a different story. She tried to push a bit harder, but every time she did, you sent her right back to Lia. “Please just make sure she’s alright, yeah? I’m totally fine, don’t worry about me.”

This did nothing to stop your friend from worrying, nonetheless she always listened to your request, well aware that the only person you really felt comfortable opening up to was Lia. Therefore Ana could only hope that as time passed the two of you managed to find your way back to each other again, maybe even as more than best friends. She still held out hope that you actually returned Lia’s feelings and just needed a little longer to figure that out.

As much as you had often wished camp was over when it actually was and you were boarding the plane to take you back to London, you desperately wanted to stay. Going back home meant you could no longer ignore the whole situation with Jessica and how horrible you’d been acting. It took every ounce of your willpower to force your feet to take you into the plane.

Another thing you dreaded was spending the flight next to Lia, although a small part of you also clung to some hope that the forced proximity would do you good, give you a chance to talk. However as you found your seat all that hope was ripped from you, in the seat that should have been Lia’s sat Noelle, smiling at you sympathetically.

All you could do to avoid breaking down right then and there was to sink down in your seat and blast music into your ears. Thankfully Noelle got the hint and left you alone.

Throughout the flight you did your best to keep your mind occupied with doing at least three things simultaneously. Nevertheless, the closer you got to landing the more your anxiety spiked. Poor Noelle was probably getting annoyed by your constant leg bouncing and fidgeting. Not that the gentle woman would ever say anything.

At the airport when you were slowly heading to the exit to catch a cab back to your apartment you were suddenly stopped by Lia’s voice, “Y/N, wait!”

With a racing heart you stopped in your tracks, turning to face your best friend. Although were you even allowed to call her that anymore?

Lia approached you with a worried face, picking at her cuticles, a clear indication to you that she was nervous. This hurt; you never wanted to get to a place where she was nervous to talk to you.

“I know things are weird between us right now and I really want to move past it, I just don’t know how yet. But…I still wanted to check in. Are you okay to go home? I know you left things with Jessica in a weird place and you looked almost scared on the plane and no matter where we stand I’m still always here for you,” Lia rushed out.

Your heart cracked and all the tears you had held back on this day so far gathered in your eyes, blurring your vision. How very Lia of her to still worry about you and ignore her own emotions and insecurities to make sure you were okay when you were the reason she was so miserable. 

You shook your head and blinked harshly to chase away the tears, then you plastered a what you hoped to be reassuring smile on your face.

“That’s very sweet of you, but please don’t worry about me, I’m totally fine, and after all these years I know how to deal with Jessica.”

Pain flashed in Lia’s eyes and you kicked yourself for bringing up how long you had been with your girlfriend. Way to hurt her more!

She smiled back at you and you could only hope that your smile had been more convincing than hers. “Okay, but never forget that I’m still always here for you.”

And with a goodbye Lia walked away from you, leaving you with an aching heart. Now that you had spoken with her again, it was even more painful to go back to this weird place of not talking. You wanted to run after her, share a ride like you normally did, and maybe hide out at her apartment for the rest of your life so you never had to deal with Jessica.

In front of the door to the apartment Jessica and you shared you took a moment to hype yourself up. You could do this, you had done this about a million times. Maybe it had never been this bad, but you would just have to grovel a little more.

You entered the apartment, calling out to your girlfriend. Just as you expected you didn’t get a response. Maybe she wasn’t home! Even if that would only postpone the argument for a little while, you still wanted it to be true.

Sadly you were out of luck. You quickly found Jessica sitting on the couch, staring at her phone and completely ignoring your presence.

“Hi,” you greeted her awkwardly, your girlfriend still not showing any signs of having noticed you. “Look I’m sorry I didn’t pick up the phone and haven’t reached out since. This camp has been absolutely crazy.”

It was a weak explanation, and definitely not enough to get Jessica to acknowledge you again. To even have any hope of getting there you would need to apologize and beg. However when you were searching for the right words, you realized that you didn’t want to do it this time. You were tired of these same old patterns that always left you feeling like you weren’t good enough.

You weren’t someone that got mad often, but now you could feel all the suppressed feelings inside of you rapidly turning into anger.

“Can you just cut this crap out and talk to me like an equal human being?” You snapped at Jessica.

At least you succeeded in getting a reaction. She dropped her phone, turning to you, the surprise on her face quickly morphing into anger just as intense as your own.

“Excuse me?! Who has been ignoring me for the last ten days after not picking up the phone when it was you who suggested we talk that night? I think I have every right to be angry,” Jessica yelled back at you.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t be angry, but acting as if I’m air is just plain childish! I said I was sorry and I also said that things have been crazy, but apparently you don’t care about that.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Okay then, what crazy thing happened that stopped you from contacting me at all? Did the monster under the bed steal your phone? Or did aliens project a force field around your camp, stopping all electronic devices from working?”

Her mocking only made you angrier, so without thinking about it if it was wise to reveal this to Jessica, you told her about learning of Lia’s feelings for you.

After that all hell broke loose, everything the two of you had kept inside for way too long spilling out in hurtful words, ending in a scream match that had neither of you even hearing what the other was saying anymore.

In the end it was you who said the fateful words, “I think it’s high time that we break up! Well it was probably high time years ago and we were just too stuck to notice.

“No, I don’t accept that! You don’t break up with me, I’m breaking up with you,” Jessica retorted.

By now most of the anger had drained from your body, you just shrugged your shoulders. “Whatever, I’m leaving.”

Once you were out of the apartment you just started walking; the entire palette of negative emotions fighting for the lead inside of you. Before too long you found yourself standing in front of Lia’s little house. Just the sight of the familiar building that had been your refuge so often in the past was enough to break down the emotional barriers you had carefully constructed over the last couple of weeks, tears beginning to stream down your cheeks.

Lia had said you could still come over if something happened. So despite feeling more than a little unsure about it, you walked up to the front door and knocked. You needed her right now and if she would send you away you didn’t know if you could deal with it.

Of course there was no reason to worry, Lia didn’t miss a bit, ushering you into her apartment and holding you tightly while you cried your eyes out. You weren’t coherent enough to explain what had happened, but from the bits and pieces you managed to get out, she got the gist of it.

Somewhere in the back of your mind was some immense guilt for making Lia take care of you after everything, however it was drowned out by how safe you felt in your best friend’s arms. You wanted to stay there for the rest of your life, blocking out the rest of the world.

After your crying session you were hit by a wave of extreme tiredness, your eyes fluttering shut every so often. Lia gently massaged the back of your scalp, knowing you were prone to tenseness there, and it was making you even sleepier.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?” She offered.

.

You should refuse, you should pull yourself together and leave Lia be, maybe call Leah to come over and check up on her after you had once again dumped your emotions all over her. You should be a better person and do that, instead you mumbled, “Yeah, I’d like that very much.”

The two of you got ready for bed. Lia insisted on it, you would have happily stayed on the couch in your regular clothes without brushing your teeth if it meant you didn’t have to move. There wasn’t any need for using a spare toothbrush or borrowing some clothes from Lia, you had left this kind of stuff here ages ago. It was just easier this way with all the impromptu sleepovers you had.

The two of you lay down on your respective sides of the bed, facing each other like you usually did to exchange some whispered words before falling asleep. You were already half asleep, not alert enough to stop yourself from mumbling, “I really really missed you, Schätzi. So stupid of me not to realize I also have feelings for you.”

You drifted off to sleep immediately afterwards, completely missing the way Lia went rigid as she heard your words, an onslaught of different emotions hitting her. The hardest one to deal with was the renewed hope she had mostly buried long ago. For years she had dreamt of you telling her that you felt the same way, she had played out hundreds of different scenarios of how it might happen. And Lia thought it would make her the happiest person on the planet.

However now that you had said the words, she was just scared. Scared that you didn’t really mean it, scared that you were merely confused by the emotional rollercoaster you were going through, scared that you were only clinging to her because Lia was familiar and comforting.

When you woke up the next morning the bed next to you was empty. For one blissful nanosecond you thought this was just a normal sleepover until all the memories hit you with full force. Shame and guilt began eating at you for putting Lia in this position, not only had you shown up here and made her comfort you after your breakup, you had also blurted out that you too have feelings for her at the most inappropriate time possible.

Not that it wasn’t true. The realization had been simmering underneath the surface for a while, not something that you were ready to acknowledge yet, but now that you had, there was no doubt left in your mind. So that wasn’t the problem, the problem was that it absolutely been the wrong moment to say it.

With a rapidly beating heart you finally got out of bed, determined to find Lia and apologize. You found her in the kitchen, staring into her cup of coffee. She looked dead tired, almost slumping onto the table. This only made you feel even guiltier. No doubt had your careless words cost your best friend some sleep.

Despite everything Lia still offered you a weak smile and got up to get you a cup of coffee. You tried to protest, but she simply waved away your words. Lia never trusted you to make your own coffee; she knew you had a tendency to make it too strong which then in turn made you a little hyper. 

“I’m sorry,” you said at the same time as your best friend stated, “There are some things I need to say.”

You nodded, gesturing at Lia to continue talking; she deserved to go first and get everything she wanted off her chest.

The brunette took a deep breath and when she began talking it sounded rehearsed, making you wonder how early she had gotten up to prepare and practice this whole speech. “I thought about all this for a long time and as much as I want to be the one to support you through this breakup, I don’t think I can.”

“What you said yesterday before falling asleep…It was everything I’ve wanted to hear for the longest time, but I think it’s important that you take your time to figure things out and make sure that you actually mean it.”

You opened your mouth to assure Lia that you did, how could you not? But one pleading look from her was enough to shut you up. She wasn’t ready to hear it; nothing you could say would make Lia fully believe it.

“So let’s just take some time, yeah? This way you can work through your breakup and everything else,” the brunette concluded.

Once again you nodded, even if it wasn’t what you wanted at all. You totally understood Lia’s request for some time apart and you would give her as much as she needed. After all she had apparently been waiting for you for years, so this was the least you could do.

“I don’t want to kick you out, but I really believe this is what’s best for us in the long run. But I can help you call one of our teammates so you can stay with them if you don’t want to go home?” Lia offered.

She was clearly conflicted about this course of action, still worrying about you. Therefore you quickly shook your head, reassuring the midfielder that you were fine and already had a plan. “Please don’t worry about me,” you told Lia more than once.

However the fact that you got up after saying this and walked towards the front door still in your pajamas definitely didn’t help your case.

“You know you can get dressed and even take a shower first,” Lia said, trying to keep her voice light and joking, when in reality your confusion scared her. Would you really be okay?

After taking a swift shower you felt a little more like yourself and managed to convince Lia that you wouldn’t walk right into a disaster if she let you out of her sight.

Saying goodbye was awkward, both of you looking at each other, unsure what to do. You longed to hug your best friend, but you didn’t think that would be welcome right now, so you merely waved at Lia lamely and told her you would see her at training.

During your shower you had come up with a plan; you waited until you were sure Jessica would have left for work, then you went to the apartment and packed a bg. All of your teammates would have happily let you stay with them, but you didn’t feel comfortable going to any of them, so instead you headed to a nearby hotel.

The moment you closed the door of your hotel room behind you, you sank to the floor, breaking down completely. You had thought you had cried yourself all out last night, but apparently there was an inexhaustible fountain of fresh tears somewhere inside of you.

That’s how you spent the rest your day, crying in various places. At some point you moved from the door to the bed, staying there until you had to go to the bathroom, crying on the floor leaning against the bathtub for a good while.

It was a small mercy that you feel asleep pretty early, exhausted from all the crying and from beating yourself up mentally. You were so angry at yourself for how you had treated both Lia and Jessica, you should have been better!

The next morning you felt like you had a hangover, your head pounding. However at least you were in control of your waterworks again, so you were hopeful you wouldn’t start crying during training. After another shower and a quick breakfast you felt a little better, confident in your ability to pretend to be a normal human being for as long as you needed.

And that’s what you did, not only that day but also the following ones. You acted throughout the day like you were fine, when someone asked you how you were, you stated time and time again that you were fine, no matter how much anyone could see that you weren’t.

The biggest challenge to your composure were the sad looks Lia kept sending your way when she thought you didn’t notice. It hurt you on a visceral level that you were the reason she was so miserable. In reality that wasn’t why Lia continued to look at you like this, it wasn’t because you had made her unhappy, but because she hated to see you take so little care of yourself and quietly falling apart in front of her eyes.

Every day as soon as you could you would go home, declining every invite to hangout from your teammates, because as soon as you stumbled into your hotel room, the tears returned, and all you could do for the rest of the day, was lay in bed, cry and berate yourself.

How had you been so stupid and not noticed Lia’s feeling for you? Why were you so weak and pathetic and ran right to her side after your breakup when you knew this would only make it more difficult for her? Furthermore you also felt horrible for how you had left things with Jessica. Sure, your relationship hadn’t been good for a while, but she deserved more from you!

About a week later you were once again laying in your hotel bed, staring at the ceiling, hating on yourself when your phone rang. You planned to ignore it, like you had been doing for the most part lately, but it kept on ringing again and again. With a deep sigh you picked up without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello,” you croaked, your voice hoarse from crying.

“Y/N where the hell are you?!” Ana almost shouted.

Confused you started at the phone. “What?”

“Where are you?” Ana repeated a little slower, “I know you aren’t at home because the lovely Jessica told me as much and after doing some inquires I also know you aren’t with any of your teammates, so where are you?”

All of this could only mean one thing, Ana was in London and you really weren’t prepared to give up your plan of wallowing in misery to face her.

“I’m at a hotel. Happy? Now go and see Lia, I think she could use a friend,“ you replied, praying that this was enough to satisfy Ana.

You should have known that it wasn’t and you also should have known that your friend would figure out the only way to get you to tell her your location.

“You better tell me right now where you are or I’m calling Lia and tell her that you’re hiding out all alone in a hotel,” Ana threatened.

“Ugh fine,” you huffed angrily, letting her know what hotel you were staying at and your room number. Then you hung up the phone without as much as saying goodbye. If Ana was going to be like this, you sure as hell weren’t going to be polite.

You used the time you had until Ana’s arrival to make yourself look a little more presentable. It only worked semi-decently and the traces of your most recent breakdown were still very much visible on your face when you heard the dreaded knock.

“Oh Spatz,” Ana sighed when she laid eyes on you, guiding you carefully over to the bed and basically pulling you into her lap.

To your great annoyance the tears took this as an invitation to start falling again right away, and it took a good while for them to stop.

“Y/N what are you doing?” Ana asked you gently once you had calmed down.

You shrugged your shoulders. “I’m doing my best to give Lia the time she needs,” you explained.

Ana tilted her head to the side, studying you intently. “Time for what exactly?”

“To get over my stupid behavior, to figure out if she still wants to be with someone as horrible as me, to heal all the parts of her heart that I’ve hurt. Take your pick,” you replied, the anger for yourself making your voice harsh, almost hateful.

“Oh Spatz,” Ana said once again, reaching over to tuck a strand of her behind your ear. “You’re being way too hard on yourself, just because you didn’t handle everything perfectly and made some mistakes along the way doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person”

“And I can tell you that that’s not what Lia is thinking at all. She didn’t propose this time apart because she needs to figure things out. She knows exactly what she wants, she has known for years. You on the other hand just got out of very long term relationship. Lia wants you to take enough time to deal with that and process your feelings before you jump into something new. She’s waiting for you to be ready and at this rate you’re never going to be. You can’t just ignore everything, Y/N!��

It took a lot more reassuring on Ana’s part until you could even begin to believe her. Thankfully your friend was very patient and kept telling you the same things over and over again until a small seed of hope was planted inside of you.

She didn’t leave it at that though, Ana also helped you make a list of things you could do over the next few weeks to help you process everything. Journaling was on the top of the list, as ws eating regular meals and not spending too much time in bed. Furthermore you vowed to contact Jessica and figure out how to proceed with your shared apartment, and on Ana’s insistence you promised to talk to your teammates more and spend time with them instead of holing up by yourself all the time.

You actually followed this list meticulously, and made sure to give Ana regular updates. Especially once you got the sneaking suspicion that she in turn informed Lia how you were doing because the midfielder looked more and more relaxed every day. The first time she smiled at you again your heart skipped a beat and you felt like a lovesick teenager. Then slowly Lia stopped keeping her distance, you still didn’t talk just the two of you but being part of the same group conversation became a regular occurrence.

After about three weeks you gathered all your courage and decided to ask Lia if she wanted to have coffee. It was a weird feeling that something that used to be the most mundane thing ever made you want to jump out of your skin. Doubts were flying around your mind as you walked towards Lia. The big smile that appeared on her face as she saw you definitely helped to make you feel a little calmer.

“Do you want to get coffee?“ You blurted out, mentally face palming at your lack of eloquence.

Lia chuckled, finding exactly this awkwardness endearing. „Yeah, I’d love to,“ she replied to your relief.

After training you met up at a coffee shop you had gone to a million times in the past, but this time felt entirely different, you might as well have been on another planet.

Once the two of you had found some seats and ordered your beverages, Lia looked at you expectantly. You had this all planned out, but now your mind was completely blank and you couldn’t think of a single thing you wanted to say.

Dejected you buried your face in your hands. “Man I’m so bad at this. Sorry, Lia!” You moaned.

Lia gently tugged your finger away from your face, holding on a little longer than necessary. “This isn’t a test, Y/N, just start with why you asked me out for coffee and then we’ll go from there. I don’t expect a perfectly rehearsed speech.”

You did expect that from yourself though because you knew Lia would have been able to deliver one. Sadly you were once again a disappointment to yourself, so there was nothing else to do than follow Lia’s advice.

“I guess the main reason is that I missed you. So much that it’s sometimes difficult to breath and if there’s one thing I know for sure by now it’s that I can’t imagine a future that you’re not part of. I can’t believe how stupid I was not to realize that ages ago.”

At this Lia huffed unhappily, she didn’t like the way you put yourself down at all. Despite this she didn’t interject, she didn’t want to stop your flow of words, knowing how hard it would be for you to get back into the mindset of sharing so freely, even with her.

“So often I was happy to get out of the apartment Jessica and I shared to spend time with you. When something good happened or well I guess also something bad you were always the first person I wanted to share it with. Nothing makes me happier than to see you happy and when you smile at me my entire world lights up. I can’t believe that I didn’t realize that you’ve been more than my best friend for the longest time.”

“And I know three weeks probably doesn’t seem like enough time to get over such a long relationship, but the truth is I’ve been finished with that relationship for a long time, and I think so has Jessica. We just stayed together out of habit. And don’t get me wrong, there’s still some things I need to do, like have a long and honest conversation with her, but I really want you back in my life. I completely understand though if you’re not ready. That’s totally valid of course…”

You would have continued to ramble if Lia hadn’t stopped you by gently pressing a finger to your lips, her eyes shining with love and warmth.

“I think we’re ready for that too. Not start a relationship right away, I need more time before that and I think you do too, but just things like this. Spend time together, hang out, slowly figure out together how our new normal is going to look like. Does that sound okay?”

“That sounds absolutely perfect,” you responded.

Not too long ago you had lain in a hotel bed in Switzerland scared because things between you and Lia would never be the same again, now you were filled to the brim with happiness and hope because things would never be the same again. Just the thought of how your relationship with Lia was going to look like made you feel excited. It was everything you’d never dared to dream of.

[queenofmistresses]

If you have time:

Zekina - timeless

A/n hope you like it!! This took me so long and it was so worth it!!

It was in 6th grade the Zeke fell in love with Tina. He was new, and scared out of his goddamn mind about a new school (again) and just wanted to fit in. Being a hall monitor (as she proudly told him) she gave him a tour around wagstaff, looking after him the whole day, she was very attentive the entire day. She introduced him to Jimmy Junior and both her siblings, and spent the whole day being sweet and kind in a way he didn’t experience before. Other schools never bothered showing him around with any kind of dedication, knowing that he could be moving again any time soon, but even when Zeke tried to insist it was necessary because of this, Tina just brushed him off, telling him how much she enjoyed her hall monitor duties and proceeded to what he still refers to as the best tour ever.

In 8th grade things got increasingly complicated and he squashed his feelings down deep. After her birthday party, he got an excited call from Jimmy Junior about his first ever kiss. With Tina Belcher. He could tell how happy J-Ju was about it, and he was never the type to go after his best mate’s girl, so he tried to forget it. Unfortunately it wasn’t that easy.

The mad pooper incident? He didn’t like to talk about it, but everyone remembers that. Then there was the day of his Grandmother’s surgery. He swears he’s never loved her more than that moment. So much so he practically confessed it, by telling her how determined he is for them to be married. Then the science fair incident. Not his first kiss (to his disappointment) but definitely the best kiss he had had so far in his life. He spent many years thinking about that kiss. Asking himself so many questions. Why had she kissed him? Him of all people? Yes she’d kissed J-Ju as well, but she hadn’t kissed anyone else. Did it mean something?

It wasn’t until a couple years into high school that Tina saw Zeke differently. She had decided she finally has enough of the on and off again relationship with Jimmy Junior and broke up with him for the last time, making that point very clear to him. After that she lost some friends, realising they only hung out with her because of Jimmy Junior. Some of them she was glad to be gone, the likes of Tammy and Jocelyn, but others she missed. And honestly? She missed being friends with Jimmy Junior. It was weird.

But one day her science teacher paired her up with Zeke, and she felt awful. Her mind was riddled with thoughts of regret and humiliation. Knowing he was friends with Jimmy Junior and hating that he was put into this position. But she played nice and invited him to her house to do the work.

They sat down on her bedroom floor with various pieces of paper and stationary surrounding them, an awkward silence filling the air.

“Okay look I’m just gonna say it now so it’s out there otherwise I’m not going to be able to think about anything else. I’m so sorry that you got paired with me, I know I’m the last person you want to work with. I-if we separate the work out to things we have to do then we don’t even really have to work together and I can just put it all together at the last minute and you’ll never have to speak to me again! And then you won’t have to deal with me.” She blurts out in one breath, desperately avoiding eye contact with him.

He’s just confused. “You- what? Why wouldn’t I want to be around you?!” He looks at her in shock, having spent the last few months missing her like hell.

“Because Jimmy Junior’s your best friend. And I broke up with him. And I’m… horrible?” She whispers the last part out, not entirely sure she’s getting her point across.

He sighs and brings a hand to his face, trying to rub the worry out of his features. “T-bird, you’re not horrible. And yeah J-Ju’s my best friend, but he wasn’t good to you. I don’t know why, he doesn’t like to talk about it, but the point is that’s not your fault. You deserve better, I don’t blame you for breaking up with him.” He admits, desperate to show her that he wants to be friends again.

But that just confuses Tina more, “Then why did you stop talking to me?”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me! I mean come on girl I let it happen! I watched him treat you like garbage and I didn’t do anything!” He looks away from her. “I couldn’t blame you for not wanting to hang around me anymore.”

Tina blinks. And blinks again. And just for good measure, to make sure she had really processed what he’s just said to her, she blinks once more. “So we both blamed ourselves but wanted to keep hanging out?” She asks slowly, still wrapping her head around the new information herself. He looks up at her and she can’t read his face for a moment. But then he laughs. And it’s the most beautiful, kind, relieved laugh she has ever heard. She starts laughing too, just as relieved.

When they calm down they look at each other just smiling for a small moment before Zeke finally speaks again, “So… friends again? I’ve missed you T-bird. It’s not the same without you.” He says and she blushes, feeling incredibly embarrassed and confused as to why she does, but she nods, and sees as even more relief fills his eyes and watches how his entire body relaxes.

Eventually they manage to start some work, after a long overdue catch up on each other’s lives. It’s one of Tina’s favourite days to think back to.

Much to both of their strain, they don’t do anything about their obvious-to-everyone-but-themselves crushes on each other for another year. Tina’s affections for Zeke grow stronger and stronger every day and she finds herself quickly falling harder than she ever did for any of her other boy obsessions in the past. Certainly more than Jimmy Junior.

And Zeke, well he’s as whipped as day 1. He spends every moment he can with her, helping her with school work, taking her to the movies any time she mentions a film she wants to watch, taking her to the aquarium after school at least once a week, driving her to and from school.

Jimmy Junior can’t even find himself to be upset at the fact that Zeke spent so much time with her than him, not once he’d finally seen them interact in person, and watched how much genuine love and affection was in his best friends eyes when looking at her. And seeing how much more love was in Tina’s eyes than he had ever seen, it stung a little but he couldn’t help but smile and tell Tammy to shut up when she tried to make a comment.

Thanks to this Tina and Jimmy Junior even managed to find a way to feel comfortable around each other again, even feeling like friends for the first time in a long time.

They finally made it official when Zeke got offered a scholarship at one of the best culinary schools in the state. He had made it! He was able to go to his dream school and he finally had a chance to make his dreams come true.

To absolutely no-one’s surprise, the first thing he did when he found it was race to Tina’s house. She opened the door and tackled him into the tightest hug she could, the moment he told her the news. “I’m so proud of you Zeke. You did it!!” She breathed out, squeezing him impossibly tighter.

He pulls back slightly to look her in her eyes, his big grin fading into something softer when he could see how happy she was for him. “T, I-” He begins but she cuts him off, a surge of bravery coursing through her as she presses her lips against his in a searing kiss. She desperately tried to pour every emotion, every word she had tried to say so many times, into this one act of affection. Zeke felt it all and took everything she was giving him with no hesitation. They both felt as though they were drowning. Forgetting everything else in the world around them but each other.

When they finally come up for air they just look at each other, their breaths mixing with each other in an almost suffocating but enticing way. “I love you Zeke.” She whispers, watching his face grow into an even happier grin than when he first arrived, before he whispers back the same thing, softer and more heartfelt than anything she imagined in her dreams.

They kiss again, with even more passion and if Jimmy Junior feels himself tearing up a little from his position in his restaurant, he certainly won’t tell them that.

When they both go off to college they’re sad to not be as close, but they call every day, text basically 24/7 and they visit each other as often as they can. Neither of them have a moment of doubt through it all. They talk about the future a lot, their from their greatest ambitions to the small moments they’re looking forward to.

Tina starts looking at houses and dreaming of sharing it with him every day. Her writing improves tenfold thanks to how head over heels in love she is, and she takes inspiration from her devoted boyfriend to stream it into every piece of work she does.

The next big moment in their lives is when they both graduate. Zeke graduates with an offer to work at an extremely high end restaurant- thanks to many glowing reviews from professors, and Tina graduates with an offer to publish a book of hers, they couldn’t be more happy with their lives. Especially once they find an apartment for them to live in together. They truly make the place their own and they’re favourite parts of the day are waking up in each others arms, and when Zeke comes home from work and they can see each other again.

After a year of living together, Zeke proposes. He prepares Tina’s favourite meal, lights her favourite scented candles, wears a suit, buys her a new dress, and plays her favourite songs. Just them. In their first home. Years after Tina fell in love with him, and even longer after Zeke fell in love with him. He tries to do a whole speech, but he splutters as tears fill his eyes and his voice breaks. Tina cries too. At first she can’t get the words out, nodding furiously, until she’s finally able to squeak out a small, “yes”, and Zeke slides the ring onto her finger.

10 months later they both cry again as they desperately try to get their wedding vows out. There isn’t a single dry in the house then either. Even louise doesn’t bother hiding it.

2 years later, Tina gives birth to 2 beautiful girls. Zeke says she has never looked as beautiful as when she held those girls in her arms for the first time. There are tears in everyone’s eyes then as well.

Zeke is the best girl dad ever. His entire life is devoted to his girls, and he is not afraid for everyone to know it. He makes sure that all of his girls always feel how strongly and ferociously he loves them all, and how much he would sacrifice for them all if it would just make them smile.

At 89 years old Zeke goes to bed, lying next to his adoring wife, and passes away in his sleep. When Tina calls the ambulance, almost hysterically, they tell her that she died with no pain and in peace. She cries more then, than she ever has before. Their children cry when they hear the news, and so do their grandchildren. Their great-grandchildren don’t quite understand but they cry as well.

His funeral is filled with nothing but loving stories from everyone who ever knew him.

6 months later and it’s Tina’s turn. She swears she can feel it coming that day, and wonders if he knew too. Thinking back to that day. She’s convinced he hugged her just that little bit tighter, loved her that little bit louder. And maybe he didn’t but spending her last day thinking about every beautiful moment spent with her love is exactly what she wants to be doing.

Her death is peaceful and painless. There’s even a small smile on her face as she closes her eyes and lets sleep consume her one last time

[navvyu]

An: Thanks for requesting! this definitely took longer than i thought it would, kinda rushed so it might be trash. also i had to rewrite lilia's like 3 times bc im horrible at writing him lmao 〒▽〒

Vice-Housewardens with a yandere! Male! Reader pt 2

*Not beta read

part one here!

Warnings: implied stalking, implied murder/violence, creepy behavior(?), kidnapping (all by reader)

Includes: Trey, ruggie, jade, Jamil, rook, lilia

Trey

Trey definitely felt something to be off, but he really didn't know how to deal with it

though it was good that his dorm members weren't causing such a fuss all the time, it was concerning that the more problematic students seemed to disappear out of thin air

be started to get worried for his doommates so he intended to be around them more but it was just making the situation worse

so he did what he thought was logical, he pushed other people away to see if students would start disappearing, it ultimately lead up to him being captured though

trey attempted to try and manipulate you, failing miserably

overall he doesn't try very hard to escape but he still tries every now and again

""

Ruggie

ruggie, being who he is was a bit confused upon finding fresh food left at his doorstep...multiple times.... in one day

thought it was incredibly odd, he greatly took the food

and the (seemingly) last dish of the day add an odd taste and it made him light headed

when held in captivity, it depends on how you treat him.

if you treat him well (lots of food, heating & cooling, etc) he would be less inclined to escape

but if you are rougher with him, he'll try to escape almost immediately

either way he wouldn't be afraid to bite or scratch at you

he would never once stop trying to escape, but his attempts got a lot more spaced out

"Won't you let me go? Ive got places to be!"

Jade

jade originally somehow didn't notice anything amiss at first, he was just happy finding that his terrariums were thriving more than usual and floyd was othering him less

but eventually he picked up on some... odd behaviours

so he attempted to launch his own "private" investigation, wich made it increasingly easy to obtain him

depending on if you give jade a water container or not,

A) If you have a water container he would constantly be banging on the glass or trying to break it

B) If you don't have a water container he would try and bite you or hit you, he would also refuse to drink potions that let him keep his human form

though Jade is persistent, he could live alone and not bother you but he will try and be as big an inconvenience as possible

"You are honestly so disgusting, you fiend."

Jamil

jamil immediately noticed changing behaviour of his dormembers, along with somebody watching him almost every hour of the day

jamil was constantly on guard at all hours of the day, but he noticed that the feeling of being watched disappeared when he was near you so he absentmindedly gravitated towards you (it made it alot more easy to corner him)

in captivity Jamil is aggressive both physically and verbally

he is constantly trying to escape no matter how long he's with you (unless if you mentally break him, but thats gonna take a while...)

he may lay off more physically later but he wont stop insulting you as long as he can talk

"Your a person. How could you do this?"

Rook

rook, though an adept hunter, could not for the life of him pinpoint who was constantly watching him

even if he was aware of somebody obsessively stalking him, he didn't know if it was out of hatred or love, so he was often on guard

it was hard trying to get rook into captivity, but eventually you can lure him away from other people and knock him out

while under your 'care', he'd try to convince you he's trust worthy enough for you to let him go

rook often attempts to persuade you to do something so he can get an opening to attack or harm you

eventually he turns to insulting you to see how far your willing to go

rook ends up just shutting up and refusing to talk, eat, drink water, and other necessary things

"I hope you succumb to death, so i wont have to deal with your cruelty."

Lilia

lilia was definitely hurt when diasomnia members started avoiding him out of the blue

but at least some of the kids were more willing to try his food!

was definitely one of the harder people to capture and contain due to his hyperness

lilia doesn't like being confined, so he'd try and escape often

since lilia has probably been in a situation similar to this, it'd be VERY hard to keep him contained but if you somehow were able to; he would constantly be trying to escape wither you were there or not

he truly never gives up on trying to escape, but he mellows out and just watches you everytime your near him

"..."

[daydark4k]

Going on a bit of a rant here about some problems ive noticed about bootwt.

I feel like it's become increasingly exhausting to be in this community, and ill explain why because i have left it behind.

A lot amazing work has been done by the community to make it a safer space for minorities, but in a way this has put the community on a pedestal. It feel like everyone is expected to be an activist or they are a bad person nobody wants around. 

There's a huge difference in being an ally, and an activist. An ally is someone that will speak against shit when they come across it, do their best to educate themself, stand behind people in every way they can.

An activist goes a step further and seeks out ways to make change. Organizing charity events, going out of their way to educate others, uplift voices and being constantly posting about issues as they come out. Taking on the problems of others is not an easy thing mentally especially if you have your own issues.

Are you a bad person for not making a twitter post when some shitty cc says a stupid thing again? Bigotry is constantly happening and will continue, no matter what the community is like. But, if you were to watch the news, get overwhelmed and have to turn it off instead of tweeting about it, you wouldnt be a bad person right? The victim on the news could have their entire life changed by a tramatic event and you cant even have the decency to watch and give your empathy?

There's this overwhelming crushing expectation in this community of being an activist or else you dont belong. If you dont post wishing a happy holiday, happy heritage month, your deep supportfor the people that were discriminated against, then you dont care. People do it like its a checklist. it's not enough to simply care silently. It feels very performative as an outsider. It's always makes me feel so awful for watching ranboo and wanting to be a part of the community. The guilt is horrible. But if im not kept up with all the bad parts of it, im not doing it right.

There is also ableism. If you are uneducated or make a mistake speaking over minorities because of social issues you might experience, even if you try to be better it's held against you forever. These mistakes are valid and wrong. It's very important to have the attitude to improve yourself and see your mistake. As long as you are trying, why do people feel the need to kick you out of your safe space? I am not active on social media but i have seen this happen to many in the community.

I just hope for a space away from the hell i deal with. I just want to see and share silly art.

It's absolutely amazing the efforts of bootwt to make a good place for everyone. People work so hard and im grateful and amazed at what they have done. Racists should be bullied away. Ignorant people who do microaggressions but are willing to be educated and be better should be educated. Jumping people does not help anyone, help people realize their mistakes.

I hope the community continues the amazing work they have been doing. But lessen up on the expectations of others to also be activists like them. Communities are made up of all kinds of people. Everyone wants different things, some people need an escape from constant negativity. We should try to get along, point out each others mistakes and become better. Not put the community on the highest pedestal expecting everyone to be the same.

I hope this doesn’t come across like im a bigot trying to justify myself. I was really scared to post this but if I’m the only one who feels this is a problem just ignore me

i originally wasn't going to respond to this, but i want to break down some of this and explain it because i feel like i know what you're trying to say, but there's a lot of stuff in here that is misconstrued.

"It feel like everyone is expected to be an activist or they are a bad person nobody wants around"

you are not a bad person if you aren't an activist! i hope no one feels obligated to always be on the front lines fighting with people to make change. ranboo's community in the recent months has been one of the most active communities i've been in when it comes to rooting out bad people and making sure they know they're not welcome. if you feel unwelcome, why? you say it's because you don't want to be an activist. you don't have to be! but sending support and love to people who need it isn't activism. being educated and constantly evaluating yourself and your biases isn't activism. that's a part of living in the world we were born into that's entrenched in horrible bigotry that's been taught and ingrained since birth. ignoring these things doesn't make them go away, and the least you can do is acknowledge it and work to not continue the cycle of pain that so many minorities are subjected to. You say the community is supposed to be a safe place. how is it supposed to be safe if there are people who get away with saying and doing horrible things? its not enough to not be racist, ableist, antisemitic, sexist, homo/transphobic etc. you have to be anti- all of these things, and have a genuine love for the people who are affected.

if you feel like these things are too much emotionally for you, you are more than welcome to step away. no one expects anyone to be on the internet 24/7 or to always engage in the negative topics. hell, i've stopped talking about certain ccs and stopped constantly criticizing their actions because i know they wont change. i recognized it isn't healthy for me and there's no point to it. but when it comes to support, to making sure that everyone knows that bigotry isn't welcome, that is a very important aspect of a community. that's the DEFINITION of what a community is! and, if those of us who have followings and have thousands of people who look to us as a reflection of ranboo, don't do these things? how does that look from the outside? at this point it doesn't even correlate to ranboo anymore. me wanting people in bootwt to be educated and respectful people doesn't exist only in the online community, it exists in real life too. i want others to be aware of the impact they have on others. I would think that any fan of ranboo's would want that too, considering its one of the biggest things ranboo advocates for his fans. to be good people.

you correlated being an ally and being an activist, and you said that "An ally is someone that will speak against shit when they come across it, do their best to educate themself, stand behind people in every way they can." is that not what the community has constantly asked for? that's all minorities are asking for. you just described the community! then you say "There's this overwhelming crushing expectation in this community of being an activist or else you dont belong. If you dont post wishing a happy holiday, happy heritage month, your deep support for the people that were discriminated against, then you dont care." isnt that just being an ally, by your definition???? wishing people happy holidays to respect their culture and important days, and standing behind people who have experienced discrimination so they know they are loved and those hurtful things aren't welcome here? if you miss something or are late, that's normal! even if you after the fact say "hey, sorry i missed it but happy x hope your day was well" maybe one person will see it and will feel seen.

"it's not enough to simply care silently." im going to be completely honest. no. no its not. its not enough because being silent ALLOWS bigotry to exist. im going to link this article i researched specifically for this post, because it explains how silent racism works and is ingrained in our society

"It feels very performative as an outsider. It's always makes me feel so awful for watching ranboo and wanting to be a part of the community. The guilt is horrible. But if im not kept up with all the bad parts of it, im not doing it right."

no one expects anyone to always be caught up on which new cc was racist. we want people to be able to recognize bigotry and uplift the people who are hurt. to say, both online and in real life, when its safe: "hey, that wasnt cool, that hurts people." you shouldnt feel bad for wanting to be apart of the community. people are allowed to want to be apart of it. its a fun place to be sometimes! but also, people are allowed to distance themselves and not forgive some of the bad things they experienced.

"There is also ableism. If you are uneducated or make a mistake speaking over minorities because of social issues you might experience, even if you try to be better it's held against you forever. These mistakes are valid and wrong. It's very important to have the attitude to improve yourself and see your mistake. As long as you are trying, why do people feel the need to kick you out of your safe space? I am not active on social media but i have seen this happen to many in the community."

i do agree with you on this one. I don't like how the internet holds grudges. people aren't allowed to change and things they did are always held against them. BUT. on the other hand, if you have hurt people, those victims are not obligated to forgive you. this is a balance that isn't easily achieved in a large community, much less so on the internet. these are things that happen in all communities and its not fair sometimes.

at the end of the day. if you don't want to be an activist, then don't be. if you only want to see art and funny bits, mute terms. the more that these things are discussed and called out however, the easier its going to make it for the future. i don't think its fair to blame hurt people for making you feel bad about yourself. that's something you need to reflect on yourself and recognize why you feel that way, whether it be guilt or ignorance.

im not gonna be responding on this any further, go ham in the comments with thoughts if you want

have a nice day!

[yanlei-a]

Would Zed blush if someone called him their heartlight? After the incident with shen, does he have the ability to romance/fall in love again?

— anon

answering the second question first: could he fall in love again?

i think so, i just don't think it'd ever be easy. even before he left the kinkou, i don't think romance would have been necessarily easy if only because he had so many issues related to his self-worth resulting from literally everything he lived before. in my long ass post about yevnai, i mentioned i don't think he was in love with her, but rather infatuated with the idea someone was interested in him like that — with shen it's different, because there's so much genuine affection and gratitude and devotion involved, and even then i do think he'd have hesitated to see himself as worthy of having his affections retributed, at least for a considerable amount of the time they had together.

at some point he did manage to overcome those feelings, and that's definitely not the case anymore, he doesn't see himself as lesser, but there are so many other complications. from the moment he decided not only to leave the kinkou, but really when he decides to go back for the tears of shadows, zed knows he's damning himself to a path of no return he can't really expect anyone to be willing to walk with him — and to which he doesn't want the person he has the most love for to share (which is why he goes to such lengths to ensure shen won't follow him to the darkness).

the constant about him from that point on is that he is willing to do increasingly terrible things for his ideals and to protect ionia. he embraced his villain role, believing it is ultimately necessary. that, however, also means keeping most people at arm's length. there are too many who'd reject him for what he is, and even among those who wouldn't, zed is definitely not trusting or easily approachable. the man chose to close himself off, and i think it'd be a very slow and difficult process to get him to open up to anyone. even among his own order, i don't see him being generally open or in any way very affectionate, even with platonic relationships (and i do think his pupils are the exception, there, because of the role he has in their lives and the fact he's trying to be better to them than his own master was to him but anyway that's beside the point). the point is anyone interested would have to deal with the fact he's not changing his ways, he is going to continue doing horrible things and playing his role as the villain, he will actively try to keep them at a safe distance before they have his affection. he won't even believe there's someone who genuinely cares about him like that and there's nothing more involved in that, that it isn't an attempt at manipulation or to exploit vulnerability.

and, well, when it comes to shen, he really doesn't expect shen to be a part of his life like that (or in any positive way, really), after the comic events. that was his last, desperate attempt at getting shen to realize the truth without breaking his word, and even before that they've been apart (and enemies) for many years. he clearly holds shen in high regard and always will. shen will never not be important to him. but that doesn't necessarily implicate romantic feelings always.

so is it impossible? not really. but it'd take patience and time and dedication, and even in a scenario where there are feelings from both sides, zed might still be unwilling to act on them if he thinks the association with him would make the other person suffer in any way. it'd still take patience because he cares so much and he's capable of so much love but receiving it is something else entirely. he doesn't really know how to deal with that. there are so many old wounds left by the people he was close to before. and it'd have to be someone he trusts entirely and that is, before being a lover, a friend.

anyway if anyone is willing to go through all the obstacles and love him flawed and broken as he is, then, sure, romance is still possible. the pros are you'll have the most devoted partner. will kill for you. also die, possibly. but also be mindful of his single dad status and that his kids apparently aren't fond of the idea of their dad dating lmao

as to how he'd react to being called heartlight... i assume that'd demand a committed relationship, considering how the word is used in canon, so it'd have to be used by someone who he loves and who loves him after they're already together. regardless, it'd make him so very soft?? genuinely don't think he ever expected to be with someone like that. if he's not expecting it the first time, then maybe he'd be a little flustered, but for the most part i think he wouldn't be as much embarrassed as it'd make him melt completely. it's a very meaningful and loving word, and one he would consider himself the antithesis of (to be the light in someone's heart? ironic, when he made shadow his business). but whoever got to the point would have shown they see something good in him already, and he wouldn't be as unwilling to acknowledge that with them, so. but yeah it's not a word he would use lightly, so it'd be very meaningful to him. it'd make him a little emotional.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Mask-a-Raid: Part 2

GAGH! Ugh...!? W-Would it kill you to stop running around and slinging me about like I’m your god-damn backpack!?

No...But I find it very entertaining.

*THUD!*

UHUGH!

*After scaling a small Hokkaido building with his package, Matta unstraps Kanade from his back and throws her onto the ground. He then takes something out of his pocket and speaks into it.

...Tsutsuji? I’m going to need a pickup from my current location.

Woman’s Voice: Matta? Wait, what’s this about?

I’m with Kanade Otonokoji, I just rescued her as Shirogane desired. You yourself reccomended that I do this, remember?

But this was a mostly solo mission so I’ll need you to take me to safety. Drop Zetsubou a pin of my current whereabouts.

Woman’s Voice: *sigh* Alright...But next time give me advance warning, why don’t you? I can’t be here to oversee your missions all the time.

Hmph...I’m still glad I have you around.

GYALUSETSU!

...

*Matta disapprovingly raises his head after hearing this angry scream. He turns around to see Kuripa and Kaede fly up to him on Kaede’s spear.

Over and out...

*He hangs up his call with the mysterious woman, then faces them.

Why don’t either of you just give it a rest?

Hehh...Never...!

I’ve put up with too much lately for you to just grab that psycho and make off with her! I don’t care what Zetsubou needs her for, I’m just not letting it happen!

Admirable, I’ll admit...But I must ask...

You really hate psychotic murderers, correct?

Of course!

Then why side with THAT guy and a Monokub?

!!?

Don’t compare Kuripa to her! Why wouldn’t I side with him after everything he’s done for me!?

Does that include almost killing you in America?

!!??

...

Yeah...I knew about it...When the same man spends his life trying to hunt you down, you learn to keep track of his movements.

I can’t fathom why you would continue to place faith in a man who would not only hurt you so horribly, but would do so again in a heartbeat if the ends justified his selfish means.

...I...

Besides...It’s not as if you have any reason to spite me. Zetsubou are becoming increasingly unreliable, and it’s not as if you’ve wronged me in any way.

What are you getting at?

I’m saying...don’t give me a reason to HURT you...!

Too late for that. You’re rescuing Otonokoji AND you killed Kuripa’s sister! 

That’s more than enough of a reason for me to hate you!

And how many sisters do you think HE’S killed?

How many lives do you think he’s trampled on as part of his personal revenge story against the world? How many family’s do you think he’s ripped apart?

...

Kurafto doesn’t care how many people pay the price so long as I am one of them. And you still choose to place your faith in-

Just SHUT UP!

!!?

!!?

Kuripa has NEVER killed an innocent, or hurt someone without good reason! I STARTED that fight!

These last few days have been a real eye-opener for me...And I’ve come to realize something.

Lots of bad things have happened in my life recently...and I’ve learned firsthand that there’s no way I can completely deal with them and overcome them!

But that’s because no matter what, I can’t deal with anything by myself! And I trust in the good nature of humanity and BELIEVE in people, no matter what they’ve done.

Akamatsu...!

...

...

We move forward in life together...Or we don’t move forward at all...!

...

That’s adorable...

In that case, you can SUFFER with him!

*PTCHOO!* *PTCHOO!*

!!?

!!?

Hraugh!

Gugh! 

Agh!

*SSSLLAAAMM!*

BAAAAGH!?

*Matta grapple shots Kaede and Kuripa, yanks them both forward and pummels them into the ground!

Hrrugh! I’LL KILL YOOOUUU!!

*WHAM!*

...!

*Kuripa kicks Matta in the stomach, but he just leaps back, seemingly unphased. Kuripa immediately lurches to his feet and rushes at him, brandishing his blade!

*KER-SHUNK!*

*SLASH!* *CRASH!*

Yrrgh!

*WHOOSH!*

Gah...!

*Matta suddenly suddenly whips out a pair of scimitar swords and crosses blades with Kuripa! They block, parry and dodge each other’s attacks until Matta brings both blades down on Kuripa, forcing him to block.

Even if you were serious about protecting that girl, you CAN’T protect her forever!

Then it’s a good thing she doesn’t NEED my protection!

Hm?

*WHAM!*

Gah!

*Kuripa nods behind him, and Matta looks up in time to see Kaede soaring straight at him. With her weapon in bludgeoning mode, she slams right into him, knocking him back.

Hup!

Thanks.

No worries.

So, Gyalu-shit-su!

Gyalu-shit-su? What am I, a puppy dog?

I’ve never been able to successfully match you, but what about now!? Feel like you wanna take on both of us at the same time!?

Come at us!

*They brandish their weapons confidently.

...

No, I think I’ll just leave...

We’ll see about-

Wait, wha-?

So long...

*WHOOSH!*

WAAGH!

HEY! GET BACK HERE, YOU MASKED BASTARD!

*Matta suddenly grabs Kanade and jumps off the roof of the building. Kaede and Kuripa grab hold of the former’s weapon and fly after him to give chase.

Hup!

*With Kanade once again slung round his shoulder, he jumps down onto the highway and on top of a speeding delivery truck. He groans as he sees them fly after him

Gagh...That weapon is very annoying...!

You get that side, I’ll get this side!

Right!

*CLASH!*

HRGH!

*Kaede flips over Matta and she and Kuripa strike him simultaneously from both sides. 

Oh boy, this is gonna be super rough! Kanade likey~!

H-Hold on time out.

Wha-!?

*Matta casually pushes Kuripa and Kaede back and sheathes his weapons.

*SMACK!*

GUGH!

!!??

*He smacks Kanade’s head behind him and knocks her out instantly.

I could do without the running commentary...Anyway, where were we?

*WHAM!*

AGH! NOFAIRIWASNTREAADAAAAY!

*CRASH!*

Civilian: AAGH!

Sorry!

*Matta kicks Kuripa and sends him flying back into the vehicle behind. He crashes into the car’s window and thankfully, doesn’t injure the driver.

You-!

*CLASH!* *BASH!* *SMASH!*

*Now on her own while Kuripa jumps back onto the truck and tries to rejoin her, Kaede starts to cross swords with Matta.

*CLASH!*

Gugh!

How long will it be before you fall down that path too, Kaede Akamatsu!?

Wha-?

If you continue to follow this man’s guidance, he will corrupt you. Turn you into his own remnant...And you’re still following him, even knowing that?

You don’t know...a DAMN thing about him! OR about the nature of people!

Kuripa and Monodam...Don’t you DARE DISRESPECT THEM!

*CLASH!*

...!

*Kaede shoves forward, deflecting and parrying Matta’s blade, but he simply takes a few steps back and stands up straight.

Kuripa is unruly and violent, but I’m not the same.

We’re from two different walks of life, but I will support him. But I will never follow his goals or be like him.

You say that now...But words mean little...

I can see it in the way you fight...For someone who carries such an air of grace around her, I cannot say the same for your battle prowess...

Your movements are unrefined...amateurish...sloppy...!

Just SHUT THE HELL UP!

*WHOOOSH!*

...!

*Kaede tosses her spear in Javelin mode and it soars straight towards Matta on the other side of the truck...But...

*CATCH!*

...Hm...Like I said...sloppy...!

!!??

*Kaede stars in horror, as Matta catches her full-force weapon between two of his fingers.

That’s...That’s not possible...!? 

What...What the hell...ARE you...!?

I’ll say it once again, you misguided little girl...

I EXIST to DEFY the impossible…!

*CRRUUUNNCH!*

!!!???

*Kaede’s heart sinks, as Matta effortlessly crushes the Mozart MK2 between his fingers...!

*CLUNK!* *KER-CLUNK!*

*The split pieces of the spear fizzle and clunk down on top of the truck. She tries to recall them, but the spear is well and truly broken.

Not so powerful without your little toys, are you?

Grrgh! GRAAAAAGGH!!

*WHAAM!*

GUUGH!!?

*Kaede screams defiantly and rushes towards Matta with a clenched fist, but she is effortlessly kicked in the chest and knocked down, wind knocked from her lungs.

Guugh...RUUAAGH!

Hmph.

*PTCHOO!* *PANG!*

BAHAAGH!?

*Kaede still doesn’t give up, and forces herself up to attack again. This time however, Matta fires his grapple shot and yanks an iron pipe from a truck next to them on the highway forward! It flies towards them and smacks Kaede in the head, knocking her down again!

Aah...Agh...*COUGH!* Ngh...!

...

*Her vision clouded, with the remaining pieces of her spear in front of her, Kaede stars up at Matta, who points a pistol down at her face.

Remember this, Kaede Akamatsu...You didn’t have to-

*PUNK!*

...

...

*Kaede throws one of her spear pieces at Matta. It hits him in the mask and cuts him off.

...

You didn’t have to go through with this.

*CLICK!*

!!?

*He cocks the pistol, but right before he can fire...

HYAAGH!

CHAAGH!?

*WHAAAM!*

*Kuripa recovers, clambers back onto the truck and tackles him to the ground!

*SMACK!* *WHAM!* *SMACK!* *CRACK* *WHACK!* *PUNK!* *WHAM!* *BAM!* *SMASH!* *WALLOP!*

YOU! AREN’T! GONNA! TAKE! ANOTHER! SISTER! FROM! MEEEEEEE!!!

Gragh! GAAGH!

*Kuripa LAYS WASTE to Matta, punching him in the face and chest over and over, and adding in a headbutt for good measure!

RAAAGGH!

*WHACK!*

OOPH!

*Matta lifts his leg and knees Kuripa in the gut, forcing him off of him. He flips and recovers, unsheathing his blades once again. Kuripa gets to his feet and claps his hands together.

Akamatsu GET UP!

But I-!

I NEED you, ok!?

...!?

...

...

Alright...We take him together!

[endcant]

ive seen a lot of speculation by aesthetics commentators (a strange existence to acknowledge) about why some zillennial gays seem to connect a lot with natural imagery despite the ~*cottagecore aesthetic*~ being increasingly associated with white cishet (& frequently xtian) traditionalism. many many possible explanations are acknowledged but theres parts of it that mean a lot to me but which i rarely see acknowledged

first of all, being gay/lgbt/queer is really beautiful and natural. and there are a lot of forces in society that seem to want to stomp out all the beautiful and natural things in this world for the sake of short term profit or power. this is the case at least in the US, but likely in other places as well.

i think there are a lot of other groups (nonwhite and non-traditionalist and non-white-traditionalist) that also connect with the idea that nature and natural things are worthwhile, even when they are not considered worthwhile to the white/cishet/evangelical/colonial/etc powers that be.

i feel this especially in this time when a lot of technofuturistic developments are being backed by famous self-serving billionaires and other various navelgazing silicon valley plutocrats that are still following the “move fast and break things” ethos, even as they move quickly onto breaking things in the human brain, in infrastructure, in politics, in labor, in housing and feeding people, in the ecosystem and so on.

furthermore, i think a lot of lgbt+ people long for privacy in a way that the always-on social media panopticon we live in straight up doesn’t allow. basically ever since tiktok came on the scene, there seemed to be a surge in gay interest in times when you could just disappear and live your gay life somewhere entirely else, without having to deal with everybody you once knew messaging you about your new pronouns or partner or whatever. yeah, those vague “old times” fucking sucked in a lot of other ways (i would not actually want to hack it as a cowboy i would be shot to death by some zachary taylor type for riding my horse while brown or id die of heat exhaustion or getting kicked in the head or some shit. also reading about the 1800s is depressing in a billion colonialist ways) despite all that, it feels like there is nowhere to run now. there is no “other place” to escape to, because numerous forces are trying to make all places into one big horrible homogenous place. speaking only technologically, people will film you for looking weird in public and post it thoughtlessly. people will dox you BECAUSE it’s dangerous to your life and livelihood. our technological present is not a great situation for lgbt ppl, queer ppl, gnc ppl, and people who otherwise awesomely and naturally differ from the ridiculously numerous and specific expected societal “norms”.

sometimes i want to live in a cave and only be seen by spiders and mosquitoes for the rest of my life. this would likely be both unbearably slow and unbearably laborious living, but at least i would not be at risk of being put in danger for being seen in public. this is not a statement of traditional or colonial values or actual intent to stake a claim on a cave somewhere. it is just tough to be gay and trans and fat and neurodivergent and visibly nonwhite while living in the panopticon. and i have to come up with an escape fantasy besides dignified death to write in my little journal about.

there are so many reasons for people who are not libertarians or fundies or tradwife girlies to long to stop and smell the roses one last time before they’re gone. and you feel it so much more when you are part of a beautiful and natural community (or multiple beautiful and natural communities) that fundies and traditionalists and racists and the other assholes of the world really really want to wipe out, which happens to include gays.

obviously (i hope obviously) this all applies to so much more than just hs gays. i just keep seeing it treated as a mystery that lgbt+ ppl are interested in natural and “cottagecore”/“grandmacore” imagery. even tho there were tons of gays and poc and disabled eco-punks and DIY advice-givers and trans mlm cowboy kids and whatever else in the space that would eventually become the cottagecore space on tumblr in the 2010s before that controversial name ever came about.

[screechingsandwichhologram]

c!crimeboys makes me feel things :(

here is my understanding/characterization of c!crimeboys relationship in lore. im going to preface here that i am in no way saying that c!crimeboys have a healthy relationship, or that c!wilbur is entirely a good person. i’m not saying he’s completely evil either.

c!crimeboys will always love each other, no matter what, and that is the tragedy. they aren’t good for each other, and it would have been best if they split when things went sour, but they can’t. they won’t. their love (platonic you freaks) for each other will always be a constant, forever tying them together.

however, their care for each other will vary. in early l’manburg times, they cared and loved each other quite a bit (i recognize the whole child solider thing. i believe that the concept of child soldiers being bad is not a concept in dsmp society. no one else questioned it, so why should c!wilbur? he did not realize the harm). then, in pogtopia, things went bad. as c!wilbur began to spiral, his care for c!tommy’s well being decreased, up until the end (where he wanted him to die with him). but he loved him. he still loved c!tommy, they were brothers. he just didn’t really care about him.

c!tommy, on the other hand in pogtopia, cared for c!wilbur up until the end. he became increasingly wary of c!wilbur, but he still cared. he had his moments, of course, where he didn’t care for c!wilbur as much, but he cared. quite a bit. he loved him, and at this point, c!tommy cared just as much. (it’s why he was so devastated when c!wilbur died.)

in limbo, c!wilbur cared for c!tommy a bit. in the beginning, mostly, the first couple of years in that train station, he cared for c!tommy. he hoped he was okay. he wanted him to be okay. he hoped he had a good life. but that started to dwindle, as the months piled up. he started becoming incredibly apathetic. by the time c!tommy died and visited c!wilbur in limbo, c!wilbur did not care for him at all. he did not give a shit that his little brother just got brutally beaten to death. 

during exile/ghostbur times, c!tommy cared for c!wilbur very little. he cared for ghostbur, sure, but c!wilbur? he was resentful and tired and didn’t really think much about how he would be fairing in afterlife. he thought he would be happy, but he didn’t really care, because he had bigger things to deal with. and then, during the worst of exile, he would feel horribly guilty for not caring about c!wilbur. 

and then in the early resurrection period, neither of them cared for each other that much. c!wilbur cared more than he did at the end of pogtopia, but not that much. not enough to ensure that he wasn’t accidentally hurting c!tommy. c!tommy cared a bit, enough to make sure that c!wilbur wasn’t going to spiral again, but he didn’t care about the minor things, the lesser things.

and then, as they healed, their care for each other began to grow again. c!wilbur did keep hurting c!tommy, but he didn’t necessarily realize it, and if he did, i believe he felt guilty and/or bad about it later on. c!tommy, now knowing not to trust c!wilbur, he was very wary on how much he let himself care for c!wilbur. by the time c!tommy opened up about exile, c!wilbur cared about him the most that he had in a while- almost late l’manburgian levels. and during boundless sands, he realized that if he truly cared for c!tommy’s well being and safety, he needed to let go. he was the problem, or at least a big part of it. it would hurt, yes, and c!tommy wouldn’t do so well in the beginning, but once he moved on, it would get better. c!tommy would be better than he ever could be with c!wilbur there. what c!wilbur didn’t realize, though, was that the period of not moving on could have worse consequences than just a bout of depression.

anyway that’s my rambling analysis. i haven’t actually watched too many lore streams so forgive me if i get things horribly wrong lol.

[snakarscrolls]

tell about the fashion of the characters. i mean. what style of clothes does badge, snatcher and cc ( or other ) also what aesthetics would you associate w them. ( for example. cc likes cottagecore vanilla, snatcher emo punk, etc. )

Aaaaaaaaa hi you asked this on may 5 . i waited to be granted a vision to forward to you but brain machine function appears to have been compromised. So you get my true words coming from my actual self this time . content warning for: i am allergic to using -core stuff and have become increasingly more embarrassed of naming unrelated words to create a feeling through associations buildup so this is , not very well put together. you live in my world. also 70% of this is snatcher

i used to be crazy in head over warm cute winter clothing snatcher, like scarves hats (especially those covering ears but not necessarily ushankas) sweaters..... as a way to, deal with the cold vanessa continuously inflicts onto the forest, and him. not to mention hes somewhat overexposed to it through having to directly contain it. i commonly see people associate him with fire warmth summer etc whatever but to be honest i dont find portraying her and vanessa as inherent opposites compelling. i suppose snatcher embracing his inner warmth is a sweet narrative to enact but personally i gravitated more towards accommodation for that cold / hurt and valuing his own comfort. but thats his clothing style

aesthetic wise, i know theyre the "creepy smiling person thing" living in the "scary forest" but i do not, and have never, cared about halloween, so i actually sort of forget its the aesthetic the game assigns them. generally i suppose any creepy thing could suit them, like creepy cute stuff. subconites are very creepy cute . dolls dresses witchy stuff etcccccc i dont actually know . skull with bow . so while i cannot really do justice to the aesthetic in my portrayal , i acknowledge it at last . i am actually a little ashamed in being sincerely unable to view or acknowledge it for so long . whatever. my own personal thoughts are those of his stupid idiot male living space tree. shouldve put a carpet on a wall at least. its so empty . i gueeeeessss its cuuuteeee how its warmly lit and has its own music but um shrugs i dont feel about it . its still funny and pathetic to me . sorry about the amount of hating in this reply idk what to talk about and i feel bad about letting asks sit in my inbox. uuuuhhhhhhhh

cellar cold wet horrible compromised gnawed on brick walls snow snowflake isolated rotting stupid gay . is something i portray a lot. but its honestly kind of painful to reduce my art containing it to a purely aesthetic enjoyment or intent. because as i have developed and changed i think its fair to say it evolved into more of a tool to portray feelings too serious to me to even mislabel, even momentarily. probably less even feelings and more very specific places in my soul that by definition refuse to be contained to aesthetic association of sensation or whatnot. texture temperature color. the way i perceive the thing changes but it remains. "some things dont feel like anything else" or whatever. so i cant really talk in depth about what defines the aesthetic of that part of his life, or the aesthetic of any thing really. i used to be super confused about what people on the internet mean by 'aesthetic of something' and then i briefly grasped it and now its lost again

hat kid. i super like her spaceship i think its very cute . people associate her w space and cartoon star and crescent and clocks (of course) i have not personally considered that but i enjoy the vision :)

i associate mu with seaside stuff, shells and whatnot. comfy loose clothing. shes probably a 'day' kind of person

[kharmii]

After scrolling around on your blog and reading some past posts I have to say that it's refreshing to see someone in this climate be this "normal" when it comes to politics and everything.

Seeing as so many people have this so far-left view with living and seeing politics 24/7 I enjoy how you openly say how you don't care about certain issues (or other non-issues that are made a big deal even though they shouldn't)

Also refreshing to see your view on this transtrender thing going on. It's so insanely shocking to me how many people can't see how this is wrong on so many levels, how they're exploided for life and how these people ruin their lives on a whim and just to be trendy. It's also frustrating and annoying to me that these politics have invaded fandom to this ridiculous degree. If they think celebrating mutilation is something they enjoy then let them, but I don't have to engage or see it. I believe in biology and not in reality bending appeasing of emotions. And I don't need to see this in fandom.

I've always managed to keep my neutrality or opposing view to these topics with only showing vaguely "support" but it has become increasingly difficult. Seeing people with similar views being so openly about them is so encouraging. I may not have the mental stability to stand up just like you but I admire you for not caving into this nonsense and for keeping common sense in this day and age. Thank you for showing me there is still common sense and brain left here.

I have always lived like "I don't care about your views or anything. Don't be a hypocrite and just be a decent human being to me, treat me nicely and I'll treat you nicely too." And no amount of political bs will ever change that.

What's amazing is that I'm getting flak from people for enjoying the twin fetish -in a small-ass fandom where half the people have had a Blankshipping sock at one time or another- and yet nobody talks about how pushing trans bs is basically grooming by their own admission. THERE ARE MINORS ON THIS SITE!! THINK OF THE MINORS!!1!!

If you are an adult on social media glorifying trans mutilation during a point in history when it has become a social contagion preying on vulnerable insecure young girls mostly, then you are a creepo and pervert akin to a child molester. The reason I say it is because molesting a child is something that will alter that person's psyche so badly, they will never live a normal life and might even off themselves young. Taking puberty blockers -basically chemical castration- does the same thing. That person given hormones at a young age was not mentally mature enough to make that decision, therefore they were pushed into it by some sort of creepo.....mostly far leftist attention seeking white women with Munchausen by Proxy.

Do any of the people pushing trans ideology even know the sordid history behind it? The people who founded the trans movement were all mentally ill dysfunctional people who often did horrible things to children. Matt Walsh did a segment on it, and I will post the transcript, along with the video, in case any readers might be more interested in reading than watching.

When the sixth circuit upheld Tennessee's ban on the chemical castration of children last year, they singled out the World Professional Association for Transgender Health or WPATH. This is the organization that major hospitals of general clinic site as the all-important authority on so-called trans healthcare. In fact, in court the ACLU argued that WPath's professional opinions are so important they should overturn the will of the overwhelming majority of voters in the state of Tennessee. The court was not convinced in its opinion.

It pointed out that WPATH by its own admission has presented quote 'limited data on the long-term physical psychological and neurodevelopmental outcomes that result from administering puberty blockers and cross- sex hormones to children' in part because WPath data and the documentation wasn't exactly comprehensive. The court allowed the ban on these so-called treatments to take effect. Six months later we now have a window into what data and documentation WPath actually does have in its possession, and it's not limited as they previously said.

Instead this Internal Documentation at WPath is comprehensive evidence that so-called gender affirming care quote unquote is an 'unscientific scam that ruins the lives of children and permanently damages their bodies' and crucially the documents prove that WPath knows it. These leaked WPath files come to us from a think tank called Environmental Progress and the independent journalist Michael Shellenberger.

Among the files is this internal communication at WPath from a doctor concerning a 16-year-old girl who developed liver tumors, large ones, after she was given drugs to suppress menstruation, as well as testosterone. Quote 'the patient was found to have two liver masses and the oncologist and surgeon both have indicated that the likely offending agents are the hormones'. That's a quote in response to a report another doctor on the WPATH discussion forum said that one of his The Truth colleagues had developed liver cancer and died after taking testosterone for about a decade. To the best of my knowledge, it was linked to his hormone treatment. The doctor wrote quote 'it was so Advanced that he opted for palliative care and died a couple of months later'.

Now at no point in these documents does WPath suggest that they should go public with these concerns. They don't immediately run to the media with their determination that cross-sex hormones could contribute to fatal liver cancer. They don't warn anybody as far as I can tell. Instead, they press on with a plan to mutilate the 16-year-old girl with liver tumors, and the tumors that they have apparently caused. Quote 'We're prepared to support the patient in any way we can'. EG Top surgery when medically stable Etc.

Now ghoulish doesn't even begin to describe this after concluding that they've possibly caused tumors in a teenage girl's liver. Their only concern apparently is how quickly they can remove her breasts. In fact from the documents, it appears that WPATH tries to rush these procedures in general before patients can reach adult age. One surgeon Christine N McGinn boasts that she's performed more than a dozen vaginoplasties on patients under the age of 18. In this context vaginoplasty means that they are removing a child's penis and testicles and scrotum and replacing them with a nonfunctioning open wound. They're doing this to children.

The surgeon writes quote 'I feel the best time for surgery in the US is the summer before their last year of high school'. Many others in this community agree with her. What makes this even more egregious if that's even possible is that WPath knows that children can't provide informed consent to any of this butchery. They admit that in these files Shellenberger obtained this footage showing WPath members discussing how little patients understand about these procedures. Parts of this video were made public last year but Shellenberger obtained the full thing here are a couple of parts of it watch.

I think the thing you have to remember about kids is that we're often explaining these sorts of things to people who haven't even had biology in high school yet. I know I've heard others in this kind of a setting say, "Well, we think adults are like really slick biologically. Lots of people have very little medical understanding of stuff like that. Medical professionals and mental health professionals take it for granted, but I don't know still what to do for the 14-year-olds. The parents have it on their minds, but the 14-year-old does not. It's like talking with diabetic complications with a 14-year-old. They don't care. They're not going to die. They're going to live forever, right? So, I think when we're doing informed consent, I know that that's still a big Lacuna. We try to talk about it but most of the kids are nowhere in any kind of a brain space to really talk about in a serious way."

"That's always bothered me, but you know we still want the kids to be happier in the moment, right? We try to talk about it but most of the kids are nowhere in any kind of brain space to really talk about it seriously." That's just one of the many quotes like this from WPath members. Here's another quote 'It's out of their developmental range to understand the extent to which some of these medical interventions are impacting them. They'll say they understand but then they'll say something else that makes you think oh they didn't really understand that. They didn't really understand that they're going to have facial hair.'

These are the doctors doing this stuff admitting that the patients they're doing it to cannot really consent to it. Elsewhere in the files there's a confession from a therapist that in 15 years she's only turned down one patient for gender treatment. That's only because that patient was in active psychosis and was hallucinating during their interview. There are also discussions about boys who began transitioning when they were 4 years old. To understand the extent of the barbarism you need to read the WPATH files for yourself. I'm not going to summarize them all here only because it would be redundant.

For now it's important to emphasize that none of these findings are surprising. They're unbelievably disturbing, but there's nothing in here that would surprise anyone who's done even a cursory look into WPath. There's no excuse for any hospital or Medical Association to listen to a word WPath says and that's been clear for a very long time. Redux has done extensive work exposing the various perverts who are connected with WPath including fetishists who post their fantasies anonymously on the internet. These are academics who have lectured at wpath and spoken at conferences, and they're apparently sexually aroused by the idea of castrating themselves.

Imagine entrusting the care of your child to an organization that promotes people like that. They want to castrate themselves and they want to do the same to your child. It's unbelievable, but the truth is that even before these kinds of people became affiliated with wpath the organization had no credibility. WPath, the organization that major hospitals and medical organizations hold up as the gold standard for Trans health, was a radical cult from the very beginning. That's what you have to understand so I'm going to recount WPath's sordid history because to my knowledge no one has done it before. You need to understand what this organization is and to know that you need to know where it came from. The history of WPath starts with a gender confused new AG drug addicted lesbian rich kid named Rita Ericson, her prolific nudist friend Zelda Suple, and something called the Ericson Educational Foundation or EEF. Reed Ericson was born Rita Ericson in Texas in 1917 to successful business owners named Robert and Ruth Ericson.

With immense privilege and educational opportunities ironically at an all-girl school, Rita grew up to become an engineer. She contributed to the continued success of her family's lead smelting business. She ultimately inherited and sold it for millions of dollars in 1963 after her father had passed away. Rita sought to transition into a he under the care of a quack doctor named Harry Benjamin. Rita changed her name to Reed Erikson and became the ultimate financial force in the push for mainstream acceptance of transgenderism. Then in 1964 Erikson launched the EF to quote provide assistance and support in areas where human potential was limited by adverse physical mental or social conditions, or where the scope of research was too new controversial or imaginative to receive traditionally oriented support.

Imaginative is one way to put it, but despite Rita's plans for the EF Advance human potential for everybody, supposedly her own life was falling apart. Following the mutilation that Ericson received under the care of Dr Benjamin, she had four failed marriages. She developed a drug addiction and ultimately fled from California to Mexico to avoid drug charges. Her daughter had to take on a conservatorship of her estate due to her mental and physical decline. Beginning around the time of Ericson's transition and all through her decline the EEF pushed transgenderism and mutilation-based care of gender confused people under the leadership of its director Zelda R Suley who was the right-hand woman to Ericson.

Now Suple her claim to fame was her obsession with nudity. Mostly she owned multiple nudist camps and became the first woman to post fully on the cover of Playboy. She also did psychic research and dabbled in past life new age beliefs. Under Suple the EEF sponsored symposiums to bring Fringe doctors together. The organization paid these doctors to travel and spread gender ideology. They also sponsored programs at colleges to inject transgenderism into Academia. They handed out propaganda to doctors and lawyers and police departments and social workers.

The EEF even provided grants for doctors who wanted to pursue gender mutilation. Contributing heavily to today's more mainstream acceptance of this Butchery, the EEF helped to bankroll the first major gender clinic at Johns Hopkin University where Dr John money an EEF board member worked at the time. The clinic received a reported $85,000 from the EEF and that's approximately $750,000 in today's dollars. Now the EEF revered John Money calling him a 'leading scholar and researcher of our time' in a newsletter in 1972. Now what was John money doing in 1972 to be celebrated and financed by the EEF?

Well according to Arizona State University he became Infamous for directing twin boys to quote 'inspect one another's genitals' and 'engage in behavior resembling sexual intercourse'. He also attempted to change one of the boys into a girl, a story you know if you watched What is a Woman. Ultimately one of the boys shot himself in the head and the other died of a drug overdose. Now the EEF suspended its operations in 1977 but not before helping fund the Janis information facility which overtook much of the EEF's work.

The JIF also absorbed the nudist director of the EEF Zelda Suple. The JIF served as a referral service for gender confused people to find fringe doctors willing to sterilize and mutilate them. Along with Suple it was run by the University of Texas's Dr Paul Walker a former Johns Hopkins colleague of Dr John Money through the late 1970s. Bankrolled by the EEF, the Janice Information Facility and Dr Paul Walker led the continued push to mainstream these extreme surgeries which were increasingly marked by patient regret and high complication rates.

In 1982 researchers at Yale and University of Kentucky found that post-operative complications included quote "breast cancer in hormonally treated males, the need for surgical reduction of bloated limbs resulting from hormones, repeated destruction of vaginal openings, infections of the urinary system, rectum hemorrhaging, loss of skin grafts, post-operative suicides and suicide attempts, and patient demands to reverse surgery". Some sex change patients the researchers reported quote 'threatened to shoot the genitals of the surgeon with a shotgun'.

Now those are pretty bad results of this new form of surgery. Did any of this make Ericson, Suple, Paul Walker, John Money, Harry Benjamin or any of their other unhinged counterparts stop? Did it give them a moment of hesitation? No, they doubled down. In 1979 the EEF funded symposia led to the formation of the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association which took over from the Jif. It was chaired by Dr Walker who left the University of Texas thanks to some financial backing from Ericson. Dr. Harry Benjamin the new organization's namesake had long been bankrolled by his former patient and extraordinaire Ericson. Benjamin received $118,000 per year from Eriksen which is worth about $176,000 today.

In the early years of the Harry Benjamin Association, at the urging of Benjamin, Erikson allowed the EEF to be revived for a year to fund newsletters to get its message out to the masses. What was it about Benjamin that made him so beloved? Well, in 1966 Dr Harry Benjamin had authored the transsexual phenomenon which inspired this community of fringe doctors. In it, Benjamin acknowledges that fake vaginas are quote 'wounds' and says that these fake vaginas can degrade to the point of being quote 'obliterated and useless for sexual relations'. This is him admitting that they're creating open wounds in patients and calling them vaginas.

Benjamin also outlines the social motivation behind some transitions. In one case Benjamin writes that a mother was embarrassed to be seen with her son in public, but when her son began identifying as a girl, the mother suddenly became proud of him and even found him to be quote 'attractive'. In an especially creepy passage Benjamin writes that he could also verify the attractiveness of the supposed young lady. The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association led by Paul Walker fully recognized its roots in Dr Harry Benjamin, Reed Ericson, Zelda Suley, presenting them with lifetime achievement awards.

The newly formed Harry Benjamin Association wasted no time creating their first standards of care in 1977, despite the ample history of failure and suffering they had inflicted on people who often had co-orbit mental illnesses. They declared themselves Arbiters of Authority. Their only mild redeeming quality was that they seemed to agree that this sadistic quackery shouldn't be inflicted upon minors who were obviously incapable of consent. That's what they said back then in 2000.

One of Dr Anne Lawrence earliest iterations of the website for the Harry Benjamin Association linked to another website called transsexual women's resources run by their early members, Dr Anne Lawrence who sat on the standards of care committee for the association. He was and still is an admitted gynephile, which is a paraphilia where a man is sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female. In a paper Dr Lawrence refers to a gynephile as an underappreciated paraphilia. Now few have been as honest about this paraphilia as Dr Aaron Lawrence. In a 1999 version of his website which is the Harry Benjamin Association linked to, he wrote about his personal experience with genital mutilation saying that he very badly wanted to be a quote 'receptacle' and that's why he wanted to get the mutilation surgery.

Lawrence resigned from a hospital after admitting to a serious lapse in judgment quote unquote 'involving a patient' and the lapse of judgment was that, according to an incident report, a hospital gynecologist repeatedly told Lawrence that a patient an Ethiopian woman had not experienced female circumcision. When the gynecologist left the room Lawrence performed a non-consensual genital exam on the woman who was unconscious that was his lapse of judgment otherwise known as sexual abuse of a woman. Now how many quote unquote 'trans women' are just men with a paraphilic sexual arousal of themselves as women. More concerningly how many of them who view themselves as, uh, you know....women, also view women simply as quote unquote 'genital receptacles'? How many are being allowed in the restrooms and locker rooms of actual girls and women?

Despite having published this garbage Dr Anne Lawrence remained involved in the standards of care for the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association. He was a co-author on the sixth version of the standards which were published in 2001. That was the last version published before the organization changed its name in 2007 to WPath or the World Professional Association for Transgender Health. Now despite this new branding WPath continued promoting the same radical gender ideology and sexual paraphilia of its predecessors. The seventh version of the standards of care released under the new WPath name in 2012 and valid all the way through 2022 continue to reference the work of Dr John money whose victims killed themselves. WPath also cited the receptacle auto gynephile Dr Anne Lawrence as recently as last year.

The WPath website fully acknowledged almost proudly their origin with the the EEF and how its suspending of operations in 1977 directly led to this pack of fringe doctors forming the Harry Benjamin International gender dysphoria Association which is now WPath. Despite its sordid history WPath is somehow now taken seriously as the standard setter in the field by major hospitals and medical associations. This is maybe the single greatest scam in modern medicine. It's destroying the lives of children across the country and that much is clear. What's less clear is why anyone who knows the truth about W path's origin would ever listen to a word they have to say.

The W path of today is the proud product of decades of quackery and sexual experimentation. It's a threat to Public Health, in particular to children. Now the good news is that there's a simple solution. The fact that radical activists at WPath provides standards of care doesn't mean doctors, hospitals, medical schools, and insurance companies have to follow them or use them for any purpose at all. Medical professionals have the capacity and capability of rejecting barbarism and doing what's right. They can exercise some level of Common Sense and restraint. It's happened before

Physicians used to engage in a wide range of practices that we now recognize are gruesome and unethical, like lobotomy, using heroin as cough syrup, and treating asthma with chloroform. In time WPath's standards of care and the procedures they endorse will meet the same fate. WPath exists because for years most people didn't know about its history or how its standards of care are used. Most people didn't know that hospitals will perform double mastectomies and other life-altering operations on children. Well, that's all changing now. WPath and everything that stands for has been exposed and now it's time for the medical profession to do what it should have done a long time ago and shut down these con artists once and for all.

[tsp-narrator-ask]

Hello, narrator.

I have a few questions and things to say just because I need them off my chest.

One, worst thing Stanley has done?

Two, the most annoying ending?

Three, opinion on silly cats?

Alright, that's all for questions, and now I need to say.

Buddy, you got me through a ROUGH time in life, lots of very upsetting things happened recently, and I have to be honest I'm finally taking its toll, and recently ive started seeing you as some guidance figure. I'm glad I can find some sort of comfort in some way while I deal with life, and I just gotta say, THANK. YOU. SO. MUCH. You have made my life feel better every time I turn on my game, and I can say I definitely see you as some guidance figure of some sort, so thank you.

Oh also, I own like 5 buckets so beat that.

From, VOID

Oh would you look at that this is a long ask this should be fun.

The worst thing stanley has done… well to keep it vague not to upset my self and possibly others… there’s a reason I hate the color red.

Second the most annoying “ending” I can think of is one I didn’t intend to have. And simply it’s stanley jumping off of the cargo lift. At first it seemed stanley attempted to parkour horribly just for a closer peek at what may be down there. But of course it always ends in his demise. And though I’ve made it clear there is no safe way to get down there without his life coming to an end he still attempts it every now and again and it’s become increasingly annoying. At first it was a bit humorous but now? Now it’s just plain annoying.

Third question, I have always been particular to cats. I adore them. They are calm and warm. They have such beautiful eyes I just adore though there tendency’s to knock things down for no reason other then to be a duche is a high annoyance it’s easy to tolerate once you’ve gotten used to it. Though “silly cats” aren’t part of my preference. I do not hate them of course but if a cat is “to silly” it can and will mess up just about every thing in its premises for the sake of its own amusement.

And lastly dear reader I have read your words and I must say…

Thank you. Your words have moved me in a sense, it moves me to hear some one enjoys hearing me and that I bring some one much needed comfort. If only I heard such kind words before the “cookie9” incident…

Reader I just must give some words of guidance some words I think might help you along your own path in life.

It may feel as though the world is trying to sink you. It may feel like life is one big void sucking you in. as though it’s easier to let it swallow you up and let go but that isn’t the way. You dear reader are a bright flame and though it’s hard to fuel that flame with such negative winds blowing your way it’s not impossible to pass through. You are the narrator and hero of your own story. You light your own path and your own way. The road may be rough as there is ups and downs in any story but you will have your happy ending. Just never give up.

It may not feel like it now, but you are in control. And you will make it. I just know you will. You have to believe it to achieve it void.

Signe- wait- WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH FIVE BUCKETS?! THE POWER OF TWO TOGETHER IS ENOUGH TO CAUSE AN EXPLOSION-

ARE YOU TRYING TO SET THIS BLOG A BLAZE? I MAY HAVE SAID KEEP YOUR FIRE BURNING BUT I MEANT THAT METAPHORICALLY NOT PHYSICALLY!

✒️SINCERELY THE NARRATOR-

BUT SERIOUSLY NO MORE BUCKETS

[rawbins-undertale-blog]

This is a slight TW question, so feel no obligation to answer:

How would horrortale Sans react to an S/O with an eating disorder?

TW for eating disorder(s) (nearly only ARFID is spoken about, anorexia is mentioned)

If I missed any tags you think I should've included, please tell me.

This may sound a bit strange, but I’ve actually been wanting to write something for this, specifically because I suffer from an eating disorder. I’m not comfortable writing anything with an eating disorder (or any disorder in general) I personally don’t have, mostly because I don’t have the time to give it the proper research it deserves, so I’ll be writing about a lesser known eating disorder, that being ARFID. Let me explain it so people who don’t know what it is will, uh, know what it is lol

ARFID - also commonly called “Selective Eating Disorder” - stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. A lot of people with it are characterised as being “picky eaters”, but it goes to a point where it’s seriously unhealthy and crosses a line that makes it into something more serious. It has to do with sensory processing issues, rather than self-image issues (though self-image issues could also play a part in it I'm pretty sure, but it’s not the main “motivation”). Most people with ARFID actually wish they could go up in weight, but can’t because they can’t make themselves eat. I, for one, desperately wish I could just eat like a normal person, both because it’s very… not convenient to only have around 20 or less meals I can eat (and that list is slimming down as I grow tired of my safe foods*) and also I’m skinny enough to match Papyrus in looks, which isn’t very confidence-inspiring when you’re supposed to be a human and not a sentient magical skeleton, believe it or not. Whereas a person without ARFID could eat most things, including things they don’t really enjoy eating, somebody with ARFID might not be physically able to. For example, I literally throw up food that I don’t like (and I’ve gagged while eating food I do like due to seeing somebody eat something I don’t like and/or just smelling other food nearby). When I'm to try a new food, I have on more than one occasion gotten anxiety attacks. That’s how bad it can be.

*a "safe food" is food you know you can eat without panicking/throwing up/getting triggered in one way or another

I’ll be basing these HCs off of myself, so keep that in mind. You’re free to point out misinformation (and I, in fact, encourage you to point it out if I somehow got something wrong) but I ask that you stay respectful and don’t make fun of this. I doubt it would happen, but this topic means a lot to me and is really serious. So yeah please don’t be rude or invalidate people. Anyways onto the headcanons (which aren’t in the usual format, sorry if that bothers you)

Dusk (HT Sans) wouldn’t really understand. He’s able to eat pretty much anything (not like he had much of a choice for a while) and food is important… But he’ll try to understand. Especially because he can accommodate you. He’ll be fine eating the same meals, however “boring” they are, over and over because like I said: not a picky eater. Any food is good in his book. So long as you’re not restricting him and his food intake and so long as you aren’t dying from starvation and/or malnutrition, you’re free to do whatever.

It does annoy him when you go to social gatherings and you can’t eat the food because it’s not one of your safe foods. He’s not going to let you just starve yourself when there’s perfectly fine food just waiting for you. Not gonna lie, he’s pretty insensitive the first time this happens. Basically, he’ll pull you over when he notices you’re not eating anything and try to convince you to eat. Starts out really gentle and encouraging, but when you don’t budge he becomes increasingly agitated and insistent until he hisses that you’re making a fuss over nothing. Needless to say, you aren’t thrilled and it starts a pretty serious argument that probably ends with you either leaving, starting to cry or blowing up at him. He feels bad when it’s all said and done and apologises, because he realises after some thought that he wasn’t being helpful and he decided to do more research again. Even if he forgot it all like he did the first time he tried researching ARFID, it would have been worth a shot. After that, he’ll instead pack food with him for you whenever you go somewhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s “socially acceptable”, because like I said, you’re not starving if he’s got something to do with it.

He’ll also, after coming around to realise the best he can do to help you isn’t trying to push you out of your comfort zone forcefully, try to make sure there’s always at least one of your safe foods available. Don’t get me wrong though, he’ll still encourage you to expand on your list of safe foods. He’s got memory issues so he sometimes forgets, which he feels really bad about, but he has multiple alarms set to make sure you eat properly for the most part. (He’s got an alarm for nearly every minute of the day and he has his calendar full of things as mundane as “make sure s/o eats” and “do laundry”, by the way.) I have a tendency to skip lunch because I simply don’t like food, but he’d put a stop to that lol

To summarize, the whole thing with you having an ED starts off with the two of you having a rocky start before Dusk comes around to be really good at handling it.

Anyways sorry if you meant an ED like anorexia. I know most people write about things like that, but like I said: I’m not really up for writing things that I have to pour hours of research into to make sure I portray it respectfully and accurately because I don’t have that time or patience. (Or attention span, tbh.) Also, I literally hadn’t heard of ARFID for like… the majority of my life, I’ve only known it’s a “thing” for like. A few months. I really thought I was the only one who was so picky with my food and it made me feel alone and isolated (ESPECIALLY after I went to a "specialist" (not sure if she was actually a specialist anymore because her technique to get me to eat was to give my a small glass that I'd pour sauce into to try it every time it was served which obviously didn't work lmao) to help me when I was like six and she said she’d “never seen somebody this bad” before not giving me a diagnosis (as far as I know)), so if anybody with undiagnosed ARFID is reading this:

you're not alone. I know it’s difficult to deal with this - it can be humiliating and embarrassing and horrible and terrible in so many ways - but you can do it. It’s so hard, so fucking hard to step out of your comfort zone and try to expand on your list of safe foods, but you can do it. I believe in you. You aren’t alone and you can learn to have a healthier diet, please just try. I’ll be honest in that you’re probably never going to completely overcome this, ARFID is something that likely stays with you forever, but you can make it into a smaller problem. You can turn it into something so much smaller and inconsequential that you won't encounter any more embarrassing situations where you can't eat what you're given. To a point where you won't have to use the excuses "I already ate", "I'm not hungry", etc anymore. It’ll take time and patience, but you can do it. Don’t give up, okay? <3

[secretgamergirl]

Dear Game Developers, I don’t want to be a rapacious colonizing blight on the world.

I like a pretty wide variety of games, but one general thing I’ve always been particularly keen on is the sort of game where I start off just kinda naked in the wilderness with nothing and have to build up a bunch of infrastructure to accomplish something. So you know, RTSes, Civ clones, survival games, sandbox-y Minecraft stuff, Dwarf Fortress and similar things, but these all have this really annoying habit of making my character the biggest existential threat to the entire world, and I would really like them to stop doing that all the time.

So, just to open up with an example of how to do this sort of thing in a way I like, Subnautica is one of my favorite games. I recently streamed the whole thing, so, links to that if you’d like: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4

Subnautica actively confronts my issue head on, and handles it right. I’m not slaughtering everything I see, I’m not strip mining the whole planet, I’m not leveling forests. I’m here by way of horrible tragic accident, and by the end of the game I’ve done my best to clean up the mess from that and address some other global issues to the point where I can confidently say my presence over the course of the game has made for a net positive impact on the environment in which it’s set. Plus it’s a great game in a bunch of other ways.

I’m also pretty happy with Factorio, oddly enough. In Factorio I AM strip mining the whole world, slaughtering absolutely all of the local wildlife, and any forests I’m not clear-cutting I’m choking out with industrial emissions that leave nothing but dry withered skeletons where there were once beautiful stretches of foliage. The thing of it is, between actually tracking my environmental impact as a mechanic and having such downer visuals, it at least feels like the developers and I are sharing a really dark joke about how awful you are in games like this.

Then on the other side of the coin here, we have, say, Satisfactory. A game in the same weird subgenre as Factorio (do we have a name for these yet? Convey’em Ups?) but... really gross. The player is explicitly just heading down to this really beautiful planet to extract and process all the resources they can. You’re rewarded for killing... basically all life you see despite it not generally posing any sort of real threat to you, clear cutting all the vegetation, and to keep the factory building vibes nice and chill, when you tap into a coal vein or set up an oil well, you get an endless supply of those burnable fuels to use forever, with absolutely no consequence, as you just consume all the things to make all the other things and ship them out to meet quotas. And that’s... kinda gross? Again, the fact that nothing you do has any sort of consequence despite half of it being stuff that is literally killing the world in reality makes it way worse.

Meanwhile, lately I’ve been keeping a lot of modded Minecraft videos going in the background to stave off the social isolation with the whole plague and all with some human voices, and see what cool new ideas people are testing there. One of the real popular new mods is this one called MineColonies, and you know what? It’s really neat. The idea is you find a big open plot of land somewhere, throw down blueprints for really huge multiblock structures of houses and workshops and such, get those built up a little, and NPCs start wandering in you can start giving jobs to. Here’s someone to harvest and replant trees, someone to go mining for underground resources, someone to build and upgrade the rest of these buildings, people to provide renewable food and medicine to all these other NPCs. Schools for their kids to get their stats up to good places by adulthood, a whole higher learning system to advance a tech tree, it’s cool.

But the thing is, as you probably gathered from the name, it’s DISGUSTINGLY colonialist. All these people coming in are explicitly white, with British accents, explicitly gendered and explicitly heterosexual too incidentally, and a huge part of the general infrastructure building is having to set up guard posts and barracks all over, training knights and archers to defend against the local barbarians native to the land you’re building on who wander out of the wilderness to attack everyone with some regularity. And I mean, how messed up is that? This mod is explicitly adding in native people’s just so there’s someone for you to displace and murder as you colonize some big chunk of unspoiled wilderness in the name of prosperity for your... British colony. Which of course works on an explicitly feudalist system (and then also for some reason has everyone grumbling about how you’re spending your gold, which you aren’t even doing). It totally thematically ruins what I’d otherwise be super super into. And not long after this was released, baseline Minecraft did basically the same thing. There are now roving barbarian tribes who go around trying to kill you and any villagers near you and you have to concern yourself with wiping out whole groups of them with some regularity, whereas previously the only enemies you really had to deal with were zombies and skeletons and a few other weird explicitly monstrous things. It’s gross.

My distaste for slaughtering barbarians extends to the civilization games too. Which... I mean I have put a LOT of hours into a lot of Civ games so it’s obviously not a total dealbreaker for me, but... you’re always this weird immortal dictator and even if you set your civilization up as a democracy, you sure do win every single election regardless of how unhappy people are with you, and you spend a good chunk of time slaughtering local barbarians. And increasingly, with each new game, smaller independent nations because they really keep putting more and more emphasis on military conquest being, if not the best path to victory, one you have to push pretty far no matter what you’re going for.

And it doesn’t have to work like that. My favorite game, mostly in the franchise, is still Alpha Centauri. Where the “barbarians” are brain eating space worms, not other humans, and even then, you can (and I consistently do) be a big tree-hugging hippy, enact worm-friendly social policies, make friends with them instead of killing them, and have them go devour a bunch of violent anti-science anti-environment right wing creeps, strongarm everyone else into adopting similar policies, and, like Subnautica, leave the world better than you found it by foregoing all the easier wins and doing the thing where you find a permanent solution to the local planetary superconsciousness accidentally going berserk and eating itself at periodic intervals. Happy ending for everyone! Except for Miriam. Screw Miriam.

Meanwhile, someone I know not to long ago just randomly pitched a game where there’s a big nature ravaging industrial sprawl, but you play as some sort of reclaiming embodiment of nature, strategically... I guess spreading trees to grow up through everything and have rats chew through the wiring and stuff, and yeah, I would play the hell out of that game. If nobody else gets to it before I clear my plate of all these other projects, I might even make that game.

I should stress again too that it’s not even that I don’t want games to ever put me in such a role as the player, just if you’re going to do it, acknowledge that that sort of thing isn’t cool, and either make it clear that the player character has been forced into a really unfortunate position, or that said character is just awful. Or both, both works.

What I don’t want to ever see people do is rationalize a way out of the issues. “Oh this is an infinite supply of clean-burning coal” does not fly with me. “Oh we’re establishing a colony but it’s on an alien planet” is still colonialism. The weird fetish the whole game industry seems to have with leveling forests is not made better by having those trees give you saplings that fully replace every tree cut down in like 2 minutes. If you don’t want to unpack the moral implications of something, you can just not include it to begin with. None of the stuff I’ve been laying out here is actually necessary for any of these games to work. Just... quit being weird and making me play coal-mining conquistadors already.

[midnightsconspiracy]

Out Of The Blue

Out of the Blue - @midnightsconspiracy

Summary: After experiencing a hard day at work, your boyfriend decides to treat you to some of your favourite things. Although he may or may not have another surprise in store for you

Warnings: Non-Major Character Death

Word Count: 1683

Requested: Yes!

'What about one in which one of them had a horrible day at work and the other found out and decided to prepare a little surprise to make the day better? Just fluffy thing?'

A/N: Keep sending in your requests whilst my inbox is open and drop me a message if you're bored, id love to talk to some of you about Chicago PD, Med or Fire!! :)

Masterlist

Working at Chicago Med was stressful, to say the least. Every day was filled with what felt like hundreds of patients, running around to make sure you were taking care of them to the best of your ability. For the most part being an ED doctor with fulfilling, seeing people come in sick and come out good as new. But other times it was draining, either from being swept off your feet every minute of the day or doing all that you could for a person and it still not being enough. That was what had happened today.

You were content as you entered the ED that morning, having spent the night at your boyfriend’s. Everything about your relationship was absolutely perfect, with everyone around you noticing your positive change of mood since getting together with Hank. Walking towards the nurse's station to log into a computer, Maggie and April came over to greet you, both commenting on the large grin that plastered your face.

“Someones happy,” April teased, watching your cheeks glow, as you looked down in mock embarrassment.

“Couldn’t have anything to do with the Sergeant boyfriend of yours could it?” Maggie lowered her head as well, trying to catch your eyes to find the truth within them. Opening your mouth to reply, you were interrupted by an incoming patient being wheeled on a gurney, the paramedics beside it holding a grim look on their faces.

The patient turned out to be a six-year old girl, she had suffered severe trauma to multiple areas of her body, including broken ribs, a collapsed lung and a mild concussion. You immediately took the case, being the only ED doctor available at the moment, but also specialising in paediatrics alongside Dr Manning. Looking the girl over, you noted each of her injures, seeing it was consistent with a severe car accident, and proceeding to insert a needle into her lung to allow it to re-inflate, before sending her upstairs to the OR for surgery. To an adult, the injuries wouldn’t have been fatal, but for a girl this size, the extent of the trauma didn’t bode well for her chances of survival. Praying for her as she was wheeled up to surgery, you felt a tear come to your eye, hoping that this little girl would actually be able to live her life to the fullest. An hour had passed and you still hadn’t heard any news on the little girl, so instead of dwelling on it, you busied your mind, taking any patients Maggie would give you, from a broken leg to a baby with a fever. But finally, as you were leaving a low-level emergency case, your pager buzzed, signalling you to the PICU, nodding to Maggie on the way up, knowing it would be the girl who had just come out of surgery. Speaking to her surgeon, you waited for her anaesthetic to wear off, knowing it wouldn’t be too long because of the low dosage she was given. It seemed as though she had no family with her, either injured or dead from the car wreck and so you sat by her bed, not wanting her to be alone when she finally woke up.

As she woke, you held her hand, introducing yourself, trying to make her as comfortable as you could. You spoke to her for a long time, completely forgetting about your other duties downstairs, instead, trying to make her laugh, telling stories and attempting to get her to recall the events that had happened earlier that day. Building trust was important to you, knowing she would need someone who she was happy with before all the other doctors and DCFS got involved. But time got cut short as your pager once again demanded you downstairs to deal with another patient. Quickly saying goodbye, you dashed downstairs to deal a man with a GSW to the abdomen. Checking his wound thoroughly, you tended to it before sending him to specialists upstairs. Content with the job you had done, you continued with your work in the ED.

After your shift had finished, you headed upstairs to say a final goodnight to the girl, bringing a small teddy with you that you had purchased in the gift shop, hoping it would keep her company overnight before you returned the next day. But as you walked towards her room something didn’t seem right. The lights were turned off, the bed empty. Maybe she had just been moved to a different room or ward, you thought to yourself, knowing there was probably a good explanation for this. Turning towards the nurse on duty behind the desk, you questioned her on the whereabouts of your new friend.

“Didn’t you hear? She coded and was pronounced dead an hour ago. Sorry Doctor Y/LN, I thought someone would have told you already.” Staring at the women, your mouth dropped open, stumbling backwards a bit to brace yourself on the doorway behind. Tears fell from your eyes, why would the universe allow an innocent young child to be taken so earlier in their life? Moving back downstairs you felt numb, just wanting this tragic day to be over. You texted Hank telling him you were on your way back and that you had the most horrible day, not going into any details on how or why.

Unbeknownst to you, Hank was already preparing your favourite meals, as he knew you were already getting increasingly stressed at work when your text came in. He felt bad for you, knowing the type of tragedies you saw daily, experiencing similar in his line of work, completely aware of the repercussions people felt being surrounded by death constantly. On top of making dinner for you, your text had prompted him to drove to the store in order to go above and beyond to try and boost your mood, buying things he knew would make your day better. Returning home he had about ten minutes before you would be back to try and set everything up, rushing about the house making sure every individual detail was perfect for your return. The table was prepared beautifully, accessorised with fancy silverware and candles, that were flickering slowly, ready and waiting to provide you with a romantic dinner. He had bought you a bouquet of your favourite flowers, already placed in a vase of water so you wouldn’t have to deal with the fuss of it on your arrival, and rose petals scattered along the floor in the direction of the table to add an extra romantic touch. Finally, he had one more surprise for you, hidden away in his back pocket, one that was guaranteed to make you smile.

Pulling into the driveway you exited your car, noting the darkness within the house, uncommon for this time of night and the fact that Hank had said he would be in all evening. Opening the door you called out to him, hoping that he hadn’t been pulled into another case, spending the night in his office once again. But as you took off your coat to place it on the hook you noticed the flowers on the table, to be specific your favourite flowers. You called out to him again, hoping he would appear to explain what was happening. Looking up, he stood in the doorway, a slight smile on his face, as you finally looked round properly noticing the rose petals, candles and your favourite food on the table.

“You did this all for me?” You asked.

“Of course I did sweetheart, I know you’ve had it hard at work recently so I wanted to surprised you with some of your favourite things.” To most peoples surprise, Hank was a true romantic at heart despite the cold exterior he held, just wanting to pamper you and treat you like the queen you were. Whether that be buying you your favourite sweets or complimenting you whenever possible, he did everything in his power to make sure you were happy.

Leading you towards the dinner table, you both sat down, quickly making conversation about everything, except work, that being an unspoken rule between you. Conversation flowed easily, both of you just happy to be in the presence of each other once more. Dinner had been polished off, with Hank fetching the dessert from the fridge after as you uttered the millionth ‘thank you’ to him. You both tucked in, moaning at the flavour that tasted like heaven after the day you had had. Looking up you noticed your boyfriend's demeanour had changed, no longer joyful but instead nervous, staring at his hands in his lap.

“What’s wrong Hank?” You asked, worried you had done something to set off this mood change. Instead of replying he lifted his hands from his lap onto the table along with a velvet box, slowly opening it to reveal a ring.

“Y/N, I know we haven’t been together that long and we haven’t discussed this that much but I’m getting old, and whilst I was thinking about that, I realised you really are it for. I can't even imagine myself with someone else or not spending the rest of my days with you. So Y/N Y/LN will you marry me?” Tears pricked your eyes, never in a million years would you have expected this, but instead of being angry about it, you couldn’t think of anything you wanted more.

“Only if you do it properly and get down on one knee,” you countered, watching as he got off his chair and onto one knee.

“So will you?”

“Yes!” You exclaimed throwing yourself into his arms.

As the evening winded down, you laid in Hank's arms on your shared bed thinking about everything life had given you. You couldn’t have met anyone as perfect as the man beside you. The man you would spend the rest of your life with, bear children with and grow old with. So as you drifted off to sleep, you pictured the little girl, hoping she was in heaven looking down on your life and smiling

[animereaderinsertwriter]

Cupbearer (Eren/Reader)

Part III

Part I

Part II

Part IV (in progress)

Warnings: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT (im watching you, if you see this, begone!), vampire!eren, hunter!reader, fem!reader, smut, some amount of predator/prey dynamics but only kinda?? there is also a significant age difference but only cos eren is immortal and all that jazz. we're all adults here. there will eventually be smut.... and do i really need to say that there's gonna be blood in a vampire fic?

Description: A story of falling in love in 4 parts.

Eren is a bad man (well, a bad Creature) who has done bad things. When he meets the great-great-great granddaughter of one of his former friends in his favorite blood bar, however, he thinks it might not matter so much what happened in the past, so long as he can make the future something worth living to see.

Ao3 link here

After that night, it became increasingly hard for (Y/N) to leave, and for Eren to let her do so.

Something between them had changed. There were moments— when Eren would press feather-light kisses against her forehead, when he would casually leave a cup of her favorite tea where she would find it— where (Y/N) felt as though her heart might burst. It was all the little things that baffled her, all the ways in which he seemed to understand exactly how she felt; it was as though he knew her more than she knew herself. On the mornings that she would wake in his bed, sleepy and sticky and wholly content, (Y/N) wondered what it would be like to have this life forever.

Other days— on days like today— she was reminded exactly why that could never be, and it broke her heart.

Today, they had planned a romantic dinner in the park, an evening under the stars. It was supposed to be something special, a little getaway just for the two of them; they had wanted to leave as soon as (Y/N) was relieved from her patrol, so Eren had moved her things to his place, hoping that they could leave together from there for their evening alone.

In and of itself, that was fine… but when (Y/N) came in, covered head-to-toe in viscous Creature blood, Eren was furious.

“And you call me a monster,” he growled, looking her up and down with hate in his eyes. “I can’t believe you.”

He stood from his seat on the sofa, and (Y/N) began to back away, still wary from the fight she had narrowly escaped from unscathed. Her every instinct told her that she should run, fire a round of silver bullets into his chest, but she steeled herself, doing neither.

“It’s not my fault— they were attacking a civilian,” she told him as he stalked towards her, his face twisted into a horrific scowl. “I tried to stop them— tried to find out what was going on— but then they came at me with their claws, and I was left with no choice.”

“There is always a choice,” he snarled, and it was then that anger filled (Y/N) from the soles of her feet to the crown of her head. "They were probably terrified of you— how could you possibly blame them for lashing out?"

(Y/N) grit her teeth.

“This, from the man who thought genocide was his only option to the same problem?”

Eren made a low, warning sound in the back of his throat, but (Y/N) pressed on.

“You would rather me have died?” she demanded, stepping into his space. “Would it have pleased you more for my body to bleed out on the pavement, ripped to shreds by an aggressive werewolf? Would you even care, or would you just find the next blood bag and move on with your life?”

“Maybe so,” he shot back, “Then I wouldn’t have to deal with your insufferable mouth.”

That stung— but if there was one thing (Y/N) knew how to do, it was to strike back twice as hard as she had been struck.

“Fine then,” she said, turning on her heel. “I won’t bother you any longer. I’ll go out and find someone who actually wants my company, someone who’ll fuck me good and proper over the counter at some hole-in-the-wall bar over on Easy Street, someone younger, with a nicer cock and less fucking baggage— ”

She didn’t get to finish the sentence, or even walk a single step further— Eren grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to him, his fist painfully tight against her scalp.

“Wanna say that again, to my face?” he asked, tilting her head back.

“I’ll go find someone else to fuck me,” she spat, struggling in vain against him. “I’ll spread my legs for the next available schmuck in the closest bar I can find, so you can hear me scream his name and not yours.”

It was a low blow, to threaten a vampire’s claim on something they had previously assumed had belonged to them, but (Y/N) didn’t care. She had almost died today, and she’d be damned if she was going to take shit from anyone about what she had to do to survive. If Eren wanted a fight, she would damn sure give him one.

“Like hell you will,” he told her, pulling her head back so that she had to strain to remain standing. “You’re mine. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood— you are my Companion.”

"I belong to no one!"

Those words ripped from her throat and echoed throughout the empty house, and it was then that Eren stopped, looking at her with calculation in his gaze.

"You're right," he said, releasing her hair. "No mortal can serve two masters, lest they love one and despise the other; an archaic religious concept, but an accurate one nonetheless. You've made it abundantly clear where your loyalty lies. I was a fool for thinking otherwise."

(Y/N) began to tremble. "Eren, what are you saying?"

"I release you from our pact," he replied coldly, his eyes so dull and lifeless that it sent a chill down her spine. "No longer are you bound to be my wine-press— I free you from me."

"Eren—"

"Go," he commanded, and (Y/N) felt terribly, horribly empty.

Once, he would have told her to come freely, go safely, and leave something of the happiness she brought him; now, he gave her a cold dismissal, and it frightened her more than she was willing to admit. Still, she went, feeling hollow and used, and she didn't bother to shut the door behind her as she turned to walk home, weary from the day and sick from fighting.

***

Armin had lived for a very long time, but even so, he had yet to meet anyone so foul of temper as Eren when the Hunger was on him.

"Eren, you have to feed."

The vampire, as ill in health as in temper, glared weakly at him. "I'm not hungry."

"But you are Hungry, and don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. Look, if this is about that girl—"

"I told you not to speak of her!"

Ah, so it was about her. By the looks of him, it had been two weeks since Eren had fed; Armin would bet that he hadn't seen her in the same amount of time.

"If I need to, I'll drag her here to make up with you myself," said Armin testily, "I refuse to watch my best friend starve himself because he refuses to feed on anyone else."

"You will not touch her."

Armin rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything further. He just patted Eren's arm in farewell and set about finding the little lady who was the root cause of his current consternation.

It took longer than Armin had anticipated to find the young woman who had, for all intents and purposes, completely unraveled Eren's composure; her scent, while thick and memorable in Eren's apartment, was hard to track otherwise. Armin spent two hours just wandering the city while trying to catch a breath of it here or there, and when he finally did manage to catch a whiff of her scent and follow it to her, he understood exactly why it had been so hard to track her down.

The girl was a Hunter, of all things.

When Armin found her, she was knee-deep in sewage, her knife embedded to the hilt in the skull of what appeared to be some species of winged reptile. Armin, having been a tad desperate and not actually having been expecting to find anything when he lifted the lid to the man-hole on 32nd and Main, was surprised to say the least— and when (Y/N) ripped her knife free and readjusted her stance into a defensive one directed at him, his surprise turned to intrigue.

“Er, hello there,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t suppose you’ll take my word for it that I just want to chat, will you?”

Curiously, the words gave the woman pause. She relaxed her stance ever-so-slightly, and then her eyes lit up with recognition.

“Armin Arlert?” she queried, craning her neck up to see him. “Is that you?”

This one grows curiouser and curiouser, he thought, but responded affirmatively.

“Can you give me a bit, then?” she asked, kicking the corpse of the Creature she’d just killed. “I’m not exactly fit for company. Perhaps we could meet later for a discussion over tea?”

“I’m afraid it’s urgent,” he said as she knelt to decapitate her prey— likely for proof of victory. “I think you know why I’m here, so you understand that time is of the essence.”

She didn’t look up at him as she replied.

“If this is about Eren, then I don’t have time to talk.”

Her tone was hard, bitter, and matter-of-fact, and it reminded Armin so much of Jean that it hurt… but just like Jean, Armin would bet that she could be won over by appealing to her inherent sense of human decency

“He’s suffering (Y/N),” he said, awkwardly crouching above the manhole so that she could better see the truth written in his eyes. “He won’t feed.”

“That’s hardly my problem.”

And oh, how well Armin knew that state of mind. If there was one thing Eren Jaeger knew how to do, it was push away the people who loved him most. Armin had dealt with that particularly lovely quirk of his for centuries, and it never got easier to deal with no matter how much time passed. If anything, it got more difficult the older they both got.

“When you’re the solution to a problem, you become a part of it whether you like it or not,” Armin replied, patient and understanding. “He cares for you.”

(Y/N) looked up at him then, fury in her eyes.

“He hurt me.”

Armin shrugged. “He hurts everyone he cares about. It’s just who he is. Nothing comes for free— least of all the love and loyalty of someone as old and as powerful as Eren.”

“Your heart may be toughened to his meanness,” she told him, the head of the creature she’d slain in her hands, “But mine is not, and I don’t like him well enough to willfully remain for him to use as an emotional punching bag.”

At that, Armin couldn’t help but let loose a wry grin.

“No,” he said, “I should think not; but I do think you love him well enough to make sure he doesn’t starve himself to death because he can’t have you.”

(Y/N) was silent for a long moment, then she crossed her arms.

“I won’t come crawling to him. He’s going to have to come to me.”

Armin grimaced. He wasn’t looking forward to that conversation.

“Is that at all negotiable?”

(Y/N) shook her head. “Absolutely not.”

Well, there was nothing for it.

“And you will let him feed if he comes to you?”

(Y/N) thought, then nodded. “If he proves himself deserving.”

Armin couldn't help himself; he laughed. Eren might have met his match in this one.

"Very well. I'll work my magic, and you work yours."

She nodded and bade him farewell, but before Armin left, he paused.

"Hey, (Y/N)?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

With that, he left her, ready to take Eren by the ear and throw him at her if he had to.

***

(Y/N)'s heart was racing as she opened the door, knowing good and well who would be behind it.

After her little talk with Armin— and the near heart attack he had given her in the process— she had called in to Zeke and told him she needed to go home to deal with an emergency. A replacement for her patrols had been sent, and she had come home to wash the grim from her skin, making herself as presentable as possible with the time she had. (Y/N) was worried, so worried, that the filth she had been wading in earlier would have left a lingering stench, or even that it had affected the taste of her; she had scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was raw, hoping to erase every last remnant of her day from her skin…but as it turned out, she needn't have bothered.

Two, three, four hours later, and Eren hadn't shown— it was only now, right at the six hour mark, that he had decided to come to her.

Needless to say, (Y/N) was… less than pleased, but when she opened the door to find Eren pale and drawn, with dark circles beneath his eyes, her heart softened ever-so-slightly. It seemed that Armin was right; he had been suffering.

"You look like shit," she told him quietly, opening her door widely to let him in.

"I assure you, I feel worse," Eren grumbled, but stepped in as she closed the door behind him.

For a long, awkward moment, they just looked at each other, silent and unsure. It was unsettling how unlike himself Eren seemed; he was almost soft when he looked at her, and (Y/N) didn't know how to feel about it. Eventually, though, like two opposite ends of a magnet, they were drawn together, and Eren brushed a piece of hair back from her face.

"Hi," he said, his voice low and rough. (Y/N) caught his hand in hers before it could fall from her hair, and she pressed it against her chest, keeping it trapped there, touching the skin above her beating heart.

"Hey."

They watched each other a moment more before the dam broke between them, and they both spoke at once.

"I'm sorry."

A shared grin, a shy laugh— and then (Y/N) said what they both were thinking.

"You need to feed first, and talk later," she told him, her hand still clasped in his. "You're not off the hook, but I doubt we can have any real conversation with you like this."

Eren nodded gratefully, tugging at her wrist— his usual biting spot— but (Y/N) shook her head, indicating her neck. The thickest, richest blood, she knew, would come from there; and if there was ever a time to be generous with the placement of Eren's bite, she figured that it would be now.

The worst of it was over quickly. There was a brief sting at the intrusion of razor-sharp fangs, and then the vaguely uncomfortable feeling of having something poking down into places that decidedly should not be poked at all, but then (Y/N) quickly eased into the rhythm of the act, focusing wholly on the way Eren's lips felt against her skin. In a few moments, she would become pleasantly light-headed, and then Eren would pull away and look at her like she'd hung the stars. Oh, how she'd missed that look! (Y/N) found herself longing for it even before she quite realized it.

And then, without warning, a vision came, and (Y/N) was swept into another world entirely.

The evening sky rolled endlessly out towards the horizon; it seemed to go on forever, sparkling with more stars than (Y/N) had ever seen before. The full moon was so bright that it cast the whole world in what seemed like silver sunlight, and (Y/N) wondered how anyone could sleep on a night such as this. It was far too beautiful an experience to miss.

Alongside her— alongside Eren, through whose eyes she saw the world— strode Armin and two older-looking cadets who she recognized from previous memories as Reiner and Berthold. Eren was feeling anxious over something, and Reiner and Berthold were… well, they were kind. Reiner especially seemed to be like an older brother, and Eren admired him.

"You'll do just fine tomorrow," said Reiner, placing a large, warm hand on Eren's shoulder. "I'm certain of it."

The memory ended, and (Y/N) came back to herself as Eren's tongue laved over the wounds his fangs had left in her neck, sealing them.

"See anything?" he asked, his breath warm against her skin, and (Y/N) nodded.

"You loved them, too," she said softly, remembering the fondness Eren had felt as though it had been her own. "You loved the Hunters that tried to take everything from you, and— and I think they loved you, too."

Eren pulled away from her, and it was then that she saw the tears shining in his eyes.

"Yes," he replied, his voice broken. "We were children. How could we not love each other as God intended? Hate was never in our nature; it was an inheritance that we couldn't escape."

He paused for a moment, then spoke again.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he told her, cupping her cheek in his hand. "I lost my temper. I forget— I forget that you're not them."

And (Y/N) understood. She understood that no matter how many centuries passed, there would be wounds that just wouldn't heal for Eren. He would lash out at things that wouldn't make sense to anyone who hadn't experienced the horrors of war as he had. Suddenly, she felt petty for having lashed out as she had, and guilt threatened to rise up and choke her.

"You're forgiven," she replied, leaning into his touch. "It takes two to tango— I shouldn't have baited you like I did. I knew how badly that would hurt you, and that's exactly why I said it."

At that, Eren cracked a grin.

"I expect nothing less from a Kirschtein. Your grandfather would have punched me square in the jaw— and as big as that bastard got when we were older, he probably would have put me on my ass."

(Y/N) couldn't help but laugh, and Eren joined her, their combined joy swelling until there was nothing else in the world but their happiness.

How they started kissing, neither one of them would be able to say afterwards, but in the grand scheme of things, it hardly mattered. Their love was too large to contain, too much to hold back— and it was love, (Y/N) realized, though she hadn't quite put words to it yet. She loved Eren Jaeger, a Creature, a monster, as much as her grandfather before her had and more. She loved him with a desperation that felt like being knocked over by an ocean wave and plunged into depths where her feet no longer touched the sand. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone before.

And, as he placed her gently on her bed that was barely big enough for two, divesting himself of his shirt above her, (Y/N) thought that maybe she didn't mind it so much as long as he loved her in return.

"I missed you," said Eren, dropping kisses by her ear as he unhooked her bra. "I missed this."

"Me too," she gasped as his mouth wandered to her nipple, her hands fisting in his hair. "Oh, God, I missed you too."

The time for words was soon gone, however; Eren's sinful, sinful mouth traveled lower and lower until he was kissing at the insides of her thighs, parting them to access what lay between, and (Y/N) threw her head back as he spread her open with his hands and sucked brazenly at her clit.

How long he spent there, worshipping her sex, (Y/N) had no idea; all she knew was that she came once from his mouth on her and a second time from his fingers inside her, and when he finally, mercifully withdrew, she was broken down to the simplest parts of herself; there was nothing left but an affection so deep that it threatened to overtake her if she didn't let it out, and she did the only thing she knew to do to release the overwhelming pressure that was building in her chest as Eren pushed his big, veiny cock into her.

She told him what she should have said a long time ago.

"Oh, Eren," she gasped as his cockhead shoved deep inside her. "I love you."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Eren went unnaturally still. He looked at her with pupils blown wide inside emerald eyes, and his fangs slightly distended; in any other situation, (Y/N) might have laughed at how surprised he seemed, but it seemed as though she were frozen in time, unable to do anything but stare earnestly up at them, hoping he understood how much she cared for him.

"You… what?"

"I love you," she repeated, her body moving without her permission to roll her hips up into him, moving his cock even further inside her. "Please, Eren, I need—"

He cut her off with a forceful, bruising kiss, and his hips started making slow, deep thrusts inside her, her legs hiked up over his shoulders.

"Again," he said against her lips."Say it again."

"I love you."

Another thrust or two, a hand circling her wounded throat.

"Again."

"I love you, Eren."

"Again."

This time, it was only a whisper.

"I love you," she said, and Eren began fucking her in earnest.

"You are so fucking beautiful," he told her as he thrust hard and deep inside her. "You're every man's dream, a nirvana the damned such as myself were never meant to reach. (Y/N), you are everything, and I—"

He seemed to choke on the words, and (Y/N) kissed him as he tried to regain his composure.

"I don't deserve you," he said, shaking with the force of their passion. "I don't deserve your love."

It's not about deserving, she wanted to say, It never was, but then she was coming again, her climax contracting her walls around her lover, and it was all she could do to remain conscious as Eren fucked her relentlessly through it all, chasing his own high.

It was only later, after a shower and something to eat that they finally spoke again. They were back in bed, and Eren's arm was wrapped around her, as though he were afraid to let her go for even a moment; truthfully, (Y/N) thought he was asleep, but then his breath tickled her ear as he said,

"I love you, angel."

And that, (Y/N) thought, had been worth it all, in the end.

[leviiattacks]

Two Faced | Chapter Ten

↳ levi ackerman, the very person who was about to kindly behead you by a surprising turn of events manages to become your loving husband? you would be elated if this was true love, but it’s all thanks to a mysterious magic spell that your life is spared, for now at least.

pairing :: duke!levi x duchess!reader genre :: royal au ??? (at this point idek) angst, fluff, slice of life etc ?? word count :: 4k author note :: haha.... wowww it's been long since i last updated. honestly my physical and mental health have just been horrible... that's about it, i lost a lot of motivation but if you're still reading i am very thankful and i will try to deliver the story well. i tried my best but writing whilst sick is very tiresome :-) tags :: @patience-is-here​ , @chwlogy​ , @a--nonymousse​ , @imkumichan​ 

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Keeping yourself cooped up within Levi's estate and never daring to step a foot outside should have been what you had done. Blackmailing him to keep you confined within the walls of your bedroom would be much better compared to the problem you have to resolve now. Perhaps if you had done so you wouldn't have collided face first into this muddle.

Jean fiddles with the ends of his button up, he doesn't take the chance to glance up at any of his superiors. He's either much too embarrassed or has nothing noteworthy to start off with.

Erwin chooses to call the shots seeing as neither you or the Viscount by your side wish to begin.

"You both understand why we're here. Correct me if I'm wrong?" The Commander looks between you, Jean and your unfortunate excuse of a husband. Suddenly it looks as if the gears and cogs in Jean's brain move without warning.

Offering a demure nod you expect for him to follow in your footsteps and do the same only he stands there looking between you and Levi.

"Wait...The two of you are? A couple?" Stunned isn't the word, Jean's completely flabbergasted.

"If you figured that out this late, I do not understand why Erwin sees you remotely fit for my team." Levi's beyond insulted at the fact he's only just understood the situation.

Jean, now more intimidated than ever before straightens his back and coughs clumsily, "Sorry." He murmurs chestnut eyes making contact with the hardwood floors.

The Commander's laced hands sit atop his desk, elegant fingers moving similar to honey on a spoon. He sighs not out of fatigue but pride. Whatever plan he's come up with has to be decent at the very least, his body language is telling you that much.

"We have a number of possibilities we can choose from. We owe that pleasure to Mr Kirstein here." Erwin offers him an almost cynical smile, you can't help but gulp thinking about how this is essentially your fault. With all the constant training sessions and team building tasks it makes sense for Jean to have completely forgot about your unspoken rule. Solely blaming him is incorrect.

Raising your arm above your head to intervene you make it known that you're aware of Levi shooting you a look of warning by returning it. It's best he knows you don't care for anyone's opinion let alone his.

"Permission to speak Commander?"

Your request is agreed to immediately with the wave of  Erwin's hand.

"It's my fault for not reminding Jean. I'll take the blame, I hadn't even told him the full story concerning me and Levi."

Levi doesn't enjoy your defense in the slightest. "I don't expect my wife to fling herself at other men and allow for them to snoop around gathering the details of our personal lives."

Scoffing you shield yourself with your arms over your chest.

"Oh dear husband. If you want to get personal do tell me where my family is?" It's an inside joke only Levi will be able to understand.

"If you call those people family your standards are disgustingly low."

"Maybe that explains why I settled for you."

Again, other's opinions are not at the forefront of your priority list. Regardless it's quite enjoyable pushing Levi further into a corner with that sentence. You see the internal struggle play out within him. Jaw clenched, hands balled together. He doesn't have an appropriate response

Jean bursts out unable to hold it in any longer, chest trembling with every quake of laughter that ripples through him you have to shove him with your elbow. For a Viscount his etiquette sure is nonexistent.

"My word, the two of you sound like..."

Levi stares at him most probably expecting something along the lines of "An old married couple."

But, no. It's nothing anyone in the room expects. That includes you.

"It's as if you're unhappy with each other..."

Not a noise is made after that. Jean isn't mistaken, your heart is miserable. You've never had many relationships to begin with, whether it be familial, romantic or platonic and for someone such as your husband to treat you the way he does - it feels futile having to navigate around the complexities. Even if he isn't really your husband it's disappointing to reflect on your marriage so suddenly.

Feeling your face droop a little you bite your bottom lip with your teeth. Hearing the truth from someone you barely expect to hear it from has an effect on you.

You're so caught up analyzing everything it takes you a minute to even register Levi grumbling and lunging forward pilfering the collar of Jean's shirt.

"Every day you prove to be more and more pathetic than I expect." Levi turns to look at you after that. His stare bores into you but he doesn't come off threatening, you assume his last remark is directed solely at Jean.

When he turns back only glaring at Jean now with even more tenacity than before. He's ready to snap but Erwin has clearly had enough of the unwanted altercation in his office.

"Enough. The both of you. This is most bothersome." At the Commander's orders Levi is silenced although it takes all of his resolve to do so.

Finally bothering you take a good look at Jean. He's calm in an incredibly out of character way.

Is this not the man who trembled in his boots the first time he and Levi came into contact? It's almost as if he seems pleased with himself for drawing out such a reaction from his Captain.

Erwin shuffles through stacks of paperwork on his desk. The man needs an assistant at this point. You doubt you could find anything in that haphazard pile. Edges of crumpled paper poke out uncomfortably and Erwin becomes increasingly annoyed when he can't locate what it is he's looking for.

Just as you're about to ask if he requires any assistance it seems he's found what he's been looking for, that's if his eyes are any indication of the relief he feels.

"This." He holds up the paper, all eyes in the room are trained on it. "Under normal circumstances would not have to become an option."

"But these aren't normal circumstances?" Jean's thoughtless question is irksome when the answer is so obviously staring him down in the face.

Nonetheless Erwin nods incapable of losing his cool over something so minor.

"Sign to confirm to my proposition."

The document he places onto the desk isn't what you imagine, you can practically feel the dread climb up your throat once you're done scanning it. Jean's full name placed right next to yours in bold lettering has your stomach lurching. You don't have to read the rest to understand the new circumstances you've landed into.

To make matters worse Erwin places two rings down right in front of the both of you.

A pot of boiling hot water is what you've been thrown in.

Are you supposed to be some sort of replacement for potatoes? What's Jean in this scenario? Carrots?

"It is troublesome to have the two of you put on an act to be involved with one another but I see it as our safest option." Erwin notices your parted lips and slacked jaw. "You need not worry this isn't a marriage contract, you're simply acting."

There's no path out of this pot, you and Jean will simply have to deal with the prospect of being boiled alive.

Ah, you forgot to mention who would act as the hot water but you're sure the suspect is obvious.

Even right now Levi's fury radiates off of him, it's unclear if he was given the details of the Commander's plan beforehand but if his furrowed brow and pursed lips are indicators of the truth he must have had no idea.

Your suspicions are confirmed to be correct once Levi reaches forward plucking the paper away, it just so happens he's snatched it away the very moment Jean leans in to get a closer look at it.

"I was never informed of this."

Erwin gives him a guarded smile. "Do you have any jurisdiction over what I think is best?" Is his freezing reply.

"Yes. When it concerns my wife and another man - Correction. I meant boy."

Jean's taken aback by the subtle jab and shamefacedly shoves his hands into his pockets.

You watch the scene go down with a perplexed look the entire time. Levi's frustration seems to be legitimate yet he has no logical reason for it to ever be present in the first place. Unless he has a plan which outperforms the one you've just been given he's doing this all for nothing.

"I assure you your wife is in safe hands so long as you stop interfering."

Levi's about to bark back until he catches your confusion. He's become aware of your tilted head and telling expression and only then does he silence himself permanently not before sighing deeply, muttering an expletive under his breath.

 "I’ll sign it.” That seems to be Jean’s indirect way of asking what your choice will be.

“I... will too.” Is your hesitant reply.

Levi only becomes avoidant after that. Half way through Erwin explaining how you and Jean have to look believable Levi just ups and leaves without a word. Perhaps you've hurt his pride but for what he's done to you it's a small price to pay and so you do nothing to make amends. He has no reason to feel uncomfortable, you aren't really his wife, you're essentially strangers. Does he even know your favourite colour? Your favourite food? Your favourite pastime?  

You doubt he does.

Jean and you are rather successful with your act. It feels pleasant having him brush your hair out of your face occasionally or lovingly place a hand on your forehead to check if you've come down with a fever. He laces his fingers with yours when others are around and when they aren't he lets the act go. It's satisfying having a cooperative partner.

Naturally Jean is still a tease, even now he makes the odd suggestive comment or two in passing but you can't say you hate it. In fact it excites you to think of a response that borders the edge of teasing and simple fun between friends.

The increasing openness between the two of you is enough for the cadets to deduce that he's most probably the noble man you wed in secrecy.

It's only been a few days since yours and Jean's newfound behaviour, thankfully you haven't been flooded with questions just yet. The higher ups sit nearby during breakfast, lunch and dinner keeping watch over the cadets. It leaves you able to eat and drink without having to handle the constant inquiring of your comrades.

However, you aren't as lucky today. A meeting's taking place and after yours and Jean's convincing act Erwin deems it safe enough to leave you unattended for a short while.

Of course it doesn't go according to plan because when you're involved when does anything ever go according to plan?

The cadets are flocked around your table at dinner as soon as they notice they've been left to their own devices. The opportunity to sit down without everyone invading your space is barely provided to you. Krista is sat to your right leaning into you rather animatedly, Annie has made herself at home sat across you which in itself is completely out of character and slightly unnerving, Annie never and you repeat never concerns herself with you.

"Why did you and Jean hide it?" Armin hovers over your shoulder as per usual. He can't be blamed for naturally being inquisitive and it does give you the opportunity to lay out the foundations of your plan. Now's your time to muster up one of your rehearsed responses.

"It would interfere with work." You respond immediately wanting to appear natural. Pondering on an answer for too long would raise suspicions.

Armin makes a sound of approval and shuffles into the seat next to Krista, that is until Ymir can be overheard telling him to move if he knows what's best for him.

"I have a question." Says a voice across the table, you don't have to look at the blonde parallel to you to know it's her.

For once Annie’s initiated a conversation with you, she’s not particularly great at keeping her intentions discreet. Maybe she doesn’t care if you can tell what she’s up to? But if that’s the case her plan isn’t all that foolproof, there's no way you're to let any details slip away.

Sharply inhaling waiting for what it is she has to say you find that her sentence never comes. Instead she shakes her head and murmurs a "Never mind.". You don't even have the time to ask her to stick around, she's already rose from her seat taking her unfinished plate of food with her, you let her go assuming she feels unwell.

"So how'd you two meet? Jean already told me earlier but I'd like to hear your side." Reiner's taken Annie's empty seat and his gaze is unwavering. The trap they've set up is a clever one. Surveying the hall for Bertholdt you know he has to be observing too. The two never operate alone.

You suddenly hate Reiner. For whatever reason he and his trio are endlessly obsessed with you, they've caught onto something that's for sure but you don't know what it is and now they've completely ensnared you with a backhanded trick. There's no way out of this, you have no idea what it is Jean said to Reiner, the chances of you providing the exact same answer are slim to none.

"My memory is really fuzzy, I don't think Jean gave off much of a first impression so I've forgot." Your horrible excuse doesn't fly by, everyone simultaneously narrows their eyes in disbelief. What you've said isn't convincing at all.

Husband and Wife yet you've forgot how the two of you met?

Fidgeting with the ring adorning your finger the cool metal isn't doing a great job at alleviating the pressure of the situation.

"Jean said the two of you hit it off almost instantly. Who's being dishonest?"

Reiner's either lying to catch you out or he's saying the God honest truth and right now all you can do is hope and pray for a miracle to sweep you off your feet. Mikasa and Jean still aren't within view. At this point you're hoping for Levi to save you, it doesn't matter how so long as you escape unscathed.

"Hey, I think we're just making her anxious with all the questions." Armin is quick to side with you, deep down you know he only does so due to the respect he holds for his Commander. You thank the Heaven's for Erwin's admirable smile and commendable leadership, it seems to be the only reason Armin believes you and Jean.

"Or she's lying." Reiner's resting his head in one of his palms, he's still boring holes right into your frame.

Your eye twitches, this is all unnecessary and uncalled for, whatever it is Reiner wants out of you it better be worthwhile.

He still eggs you on. "You walked out of the Captain's quarters. I saw you."

Standing up and leaning forward you plant your feet to the ground as firmly as you can you.

"And if she did what's it to you?"

Fighting the urge to sigh in relief you've never been happier to hear Jean's voice but something's off. His breathing sounds heavy - like he fought his way to get inside. Turning only then do you notice Mikasa standing by him. She looks equally as exhausted. There's been some sort of a struggle.

"You think it was funny getting Annie to guard the door?" He heaves and runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

"And you think hiding secrets from the rest of us is any better?" Reiner's adamant there's information that the both of you are hiding, he's not wrong but that doesn't change that he's challenging you unprovoked without a reasonable motive.

"We're hiding nothing." Unlike you Jean is sure of his words, he's confident speaking up and he seems to be able to pull off the role of a protective husband perfectly.

“I came out of the Captain’s quarters because he had access to hot water. He said I could use his shower. That’s all it was.”

Reiner quirks an eyebrow upwards and is pleased with your answer. God you’ve said something incriminating haven’t you? It's not incriminating per se but it's without doubt malleable and easy to twist.

“Jean, you were okay with your wife doing that at the dead of night?” Reiner's still leading the interrogation.

“I was the one who suggested it.”

“I don’t believe you’re a couple." If it were Reiner who said that you wouldn't care much, after all it's pretty clear he never believed it but to your displeasure it isn't him who's spoken. Ymir's lopsided grin is all knowing and you're beginning to lose your footing in this argument any second now if any more people start to side against you.

If Ymir disagrees that almost certainly means Krista has her qualms about you too, you've observed beforehand that Ymir tends to speak for Krista on occasion. This happens to be one of those times.

Krista timidly raises her hand and Ymir gives her an approving nod encouraging her to speak.

"I don't like the conflict going on but it is suspicious..."

"Why have I only ever seen you two hold hands?" She asks.

Ymir slings her arm over Krista's shoulder affectionately. "Yeah, I tell Krista I'll marry her every day of the week."

Mikasa mumbles something unintelligible, Ymir gives her a look of warning but Mikasa doesn't seem to care. Instead she repeats what she has to say loud and clear.

"Stick to only speaking when Krista is involved."

Krista holds Ymir by her arm so she doesn't get up, she knows how she gets when she's been provoked. Even if Krista has her suspicions it isn't worth Ymir gaining a permanent penalty point on her record.

Thankfully Armin cuts in. "There's no solid evidence to show they're lying and even if they are the Commander's most probably told them to. Don't you think there's a reason? Leave it be if that's the case. I trust him with our lives."

"We have a right to know." Annie's returned and insists to keep this back and forth going.

Just as you're about to fire back Jean takes a hold of your waist, you look down and seeing his large hands planted securely around your frame has your stomach bubbling with anticipation.

"What are you— "

And then he kisses you, he doesn't ask and instinctively your arms move to whack his chest but you stop yourself in time. You realize it's for the sake of your plan not falling through and so you gently place your hands on his shoulders attempting to ground yourself. It becomes increasingly difficult when you sink deeper into the kiss than you'd like to admit. Blood rushes to the tips of your ears and the thumping of your heartbeat makes it difficult to articulate any thoughts, all you really know is that you like this, whatever this is.

Jean's hands don't feel like they were made to rest against your back, they feel slightly out of place as if he's a key and you're an unmatched lock. In spite of that the circles he comfortingly rubs into the sides of your waist are appreciated, you almost forget you're in a room full of people until you're flooded by cold air.

You've been dragged off of Jean and something in the pit of your stomach has you wishing Levi isn't responsible for the interruption.

To your relief it's just Hange, they're glowing in mischief, the grin on their face shows they aren't mad. They might even find this entertaining.

"Well I be damned... maybe they weren't bluffing?" Connie's been persuaded by the looks of it and Krista's busy whispering to Ymir, you hear the faint sound of the word "Romantic" escape her lips, she's equally as convinced as Connie.

Hange smacks your back light-heartedly and looks to the door for a second. "We leave ya' both for a while and you decide to give everyone a show?"

Erwin's stood by the doorway with a humorous smile playing at his lips, Levi however is anything but amused, he glares at you with murderous eyes, he looks like he's ready to end your life then and there but you know he won't dare do so and for a second you feel braver than you ever have before. Without much thought you grab onto Jean's forearm.

"Me and my husband will get going now!" You allow your gaze to loiter when you get to Reiner. He grunts an apology and you're oh so tempted to ask him to repeat himself but you'd rather not instigate anything.

With that said and done you and Jean leave after giving the performance of your lives.

Slowly but gradually the sky outside becomes dark.

The will to sleep left your body long ago. It's by pure luck that you even manage to catch three hours of rest. Training is the only available distraction and dying out in battle isn't favourable by any means, your boredom may as well be used resourcefully - Strapping yourself up in your ODM gear is the best option.

A quarter way through your warm up you can sense a presence behind you, the leaves rustle and the wind feels noticeably quieter. You'd bother to turn around to see who's intruded but Levi's snuck close enough for you to be able to smell his perfume from where you're stood.

"Feel disrespected? Embarrassed even?" You jab at him knowing it'll rile him up, you don't face him not wanting to give him the pleasure of seeing your face.

"Watch your mouth." he warns sharply.

Rolling your eyes you go about your business, it stays that way for a few minutes. All the while Levi stares at you darting from tree to tree, his scrutinizing gaze scalding you repeatedly.

"Y/N!" He yells at the top of his lungs.

For some unknown reason you automatically stop and lower yourself to the ground

"I have something to tell you." Comes his tense follow up. A finger of his latches onto one of the leather straps on your back.

You can't believe he's still denying the undeniable.

"You can wait till tomorrow. I'll be going to bed."

Levi doesn't seem to care for your cold response and proceeds with no warning.

"I'm jealous." His voice shakes. The grip he has on your harness doesn't let up. With your back turned to him you're still somehow able to detect the very obvious crack of pain.

Levi, jealous?

Gritting your teeth together you feel deceived.

How much longer will you have to tolerate Levi's push and pull?

“May I ask, what he is to you, my love?”

Your breathing grows heavy, tensing up you're completely shocked by the term of endearment that falls from his lips. You haven't heard it for so long, Levi sounds eerily different.

You hate to admit it but a flicker of foolish hope lights in your chest.

"Levi why would you ask— "

"Why don't you call me Lev anymore?" He whispers sounding strangled. You can't take it anymore and hesitantly look his way.

His eyes are filled with tears "I'm sorry my love, I don't know what went wrong." you falter for a second not knowing what to think.

At that moment the flicker becomes a flame.

The man who stands right before you is meant to be dead, never to be seen again. By all accounts this should be impossible, but Lev has always been a fighter.

Bitterness stings your heart, the wounds you've collected are still fresh but despite your body's protests you don't flinch when he gently takes a hold of your wrist, bringing it closer to his mouth.

"Lev...? Is that really you...?" You ask desperately.

The warm kiss he presses against your pulse point provides you with the answer you've been longing for.