#but i am missing so many little lines because I am just not processing what people are saying

[charlottedabookworm]

i love the fact that i'm watching the new star trek picard with my grandad and aunt. i don't even care that I have to wait two days to watch every episode because my grandad started this - decades ago my grandad fell in love with scifi, with trek, and he raised my mum and my aunt on it when they were growing up, he shared his love of it with them and they loved it too and then when I was growing up, nearly thirty years after my mum, mum raised me and my brothers on it, she shared her love of it with us, showed us her favourite episodes and her favourite series, and we loved it too

i've loved trek for as long as i can remember. i grew up watching the first four seasons of VOY on the VCR, the final three seasons on DVD, playing bridge crew with my brother and pirating DS9 on my shitty laptop my parents got me for Christmas in secondary school. i grew up debating the ending of VOY - a series that ended when I was three - for hours with my aunt and watching TOS and TNG and ENT side by side with my brother and going to see 09 twice in the cinemas so we could watch it with mum and with our aunt

we screamed over DSC and i've had hour long text convos with my bro about Seven of Nine and i watched all of PIC season two with my mum and I love it

i loved trek since i was born because my mum loves it, my aunt loves it, my grandad loves it, my baby brother loves it, and I love that I can share this series of PIC with family like I've shared all of trek so far

i just really wish they'd turn the fucking subtitles on

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

I have gotten so many messages from folks who see what's happening to Jews right now, how literally any statement from us that isn't straight up "death to Israel!" "tear it down!" "river to the sea!" etc. - no matter how tempered in other ways or critical of the Israeli government it is - anything even mildly supportive of the terrorism victims/their families in their grief and/or Israelis deserving to live is getting dog piled to an absurd degree. And yes, that primarily targets Jews (because we're the ones primarily speaking on it) but it definitely is also hitting anyone not Jewish who says this as well. Immediately, overnight, the left has made any position that respects everyone's human rights and allows Jews room to grieve our murdered and missing family and friends without telling us they deserved to die in terrible ways completely radioactive. Like literally even the most milquetoaste statement attracts numerous hysterical commentators. And because it's so toxic, people are afraid to speak up.

And I've now heard from a lot of gentiles that they had no idea how deep the rot of leftist antisemitism went, how they've been seeing this unfold with horror, and are afraid to speak up.

Here's what I'll say: those messages give me a lot of strength, because they help me remember that I'm not insane, that this is horrendous, and we are seeing in real time exactly who would have helped the Gestapo find us if they were sufficiently convinced that this is "decolonization." That yes, the backlash really *is* that bad. I hear that affirmation and I appreciate it, and I understand your fear, because it was mine too. I myself strongly considered at the beginning not saying anything about this until I could do so without being harassed. (I decided against that because I am physically incapable of shutting up when it pertains to my people, but I understand the sentiment.)

Here's the thing: this is never going to end - those people who take seriously the question "are Jews people?" are going to be the vocal minority unless and until we all speak out. Jews are 2% of the US population and 0.2% of the world's population - there are literally more self-identified Nazis in America than there are Jews. I would honestly be surprised if there weren't more horseshoe theory leftists in the world than Jews also.

That being the case, we really do need our allies to speak up with us. I think if we all spoke up at once, it might be enough to break the silence-taken-as-agreement and shame everyone but the avowed antisemites (rather than the thoughtless and opportunistic ones) back into keeping their antisemitism under wraps. Which does have the effect of bringing the mob under control. Jews have faced a ton of mob violence in the form of pogroms throughout our history and backlash to Jewish victimhood. (Tl;dr - "How dare you make me consider how I might have benefited from or been complicit in hurting Jews? This is actually the fault of the Jews." is a disturbingly common thought process.) (You may also be wondering what I mean by "opportunistic;" I can explain in another post if people are interested.)

I know it's scary. I am well aware that you might lose friends from this. I personally decided that if those "friends" valued Jewish lives so little, they were never my friends to begin with, but it's different for non-Jews. They may genuinely be your friends. I'm not demanding you do this for me or my community, but I am asking you to consider what your line is for your friends. And if you are able to talk to them, to ask them what makes this group different from all other groups in terms of deserving compassion and human rights, it may just help us to quiet the mob.

And, if nothing else, just privately reminding those of us who are speaking about it that we are grounded in reality and compassion helps combat the mass gaslighting going on.

[accio-victuuri]

xiao zhan elle september issue cover story Q&A

ELLE: During this rest period, do you think about things that happened on the set?

Xiao Zhan: Of course, I remember a few days after the filming was finished, I had a dream that we were still filming, and the director and I were still discussing how to say that word? How to handle that scene?

ELLE: Do you actually miss the atmosphere on the set?

Xiao Zhan: I like it very much, because I like the feeling of everyone creating together and working together to get something done.

ELLE: When you first entered the entertainment industry and your popularity grew rapidly, you said that it felt a bit unreal and magical, but now you seem to be quite relaxed. How did this change happen?

Xiao Zhan: Rather than saying it’s unreal or magical, after so many years I feel that I haven’t had time to adapt to the fast pace at that time, so when I wake up from sleep, where am I today? What am I doing? I think it’s a process, just like when you first enter the workplace, everyone is very excited, "I’m here to work, please take good care of me", "I’m here, everyone get out of the way", "I can do it, I can do it". (Laughs) But after experiencing a lot of things, I feel that everything needs to be planned for the long term.

ELLE: In several interviews you mentioned that you like to play roles that "can convey energy". Why do you have such a preference?

Xiao Zhan: Because I think it is the life of the character. The kind of energy I am talking about is not just a single positive energy in the general sense. I mean the nutrition that can be subtle and silent. I believe that every character has a complete story line in his heart. This is what I like very much. As long as you dig deep, you can move people. I don’t like to call the villain a "villain", as if it is defined as a bad character from the beginning, but it is not. He may have his own difficulties.

ELLE: It sounds like “transmitting energy” is just a general term. Is it actually about understanding different people through performance?

Xiao Zhan: Yes, if we break it down to each character, they all convey different things. But if we say they are “good guys” or “bad guys”, I think that’s meaningless.

ELLE: So do you think acting is a form of communication?

Xiao Zhan: Yes, you can say that. I think it’s great to say that (acting) is a bridge to communicate with the audience. Just like when a play is broadcast, I will read some of the audience’s comments and impressions, and feel that they have a rich feeling about the work. When I see some comments that are exactly the same as my thoughts when filming, I feel very magical, as if this bridge is really connected. We don’t know each other in life, and we haven’t communicated, but he suddenly got my thoughts at the time, and I felt that, oh, acting is a very beautiful and magical thing.

ELLE: Do you watch some science fiction movies, TV shows, and literary works?

Xiao Zhan: Yes, I used to like watching "The Three-Body Problem". I have watched some science fiction movies recently, the American TV series "The Stars", and recently I am watching "The Replica". They are all about infinite flow and parallel time and space. Because I think there may really be parallel time and space. Every choice you make will split into a different parallel time and space.

ELLE: Do you imagine Xiao Zhan in a parallel universe?

Xiao Zhan: I really wonder, for example, is he still an actor? Maybe, is he still filming now? Is he still singing now? Or is he still a designer? Is he working for others or is he his own boss? (Laughs) Really, I really wonder.

ELLE: What do you think the future will be like?

Xiao Zhan: Wow, I think the world might return to its original state at that time, and the world might become a better place, and people would return to the most basic communication with each other.

ELLE: This is very interesting. Why do you think so?

Xiao Zhan: Anyway, at least now I am a little disgusted with the ubiquitous Internet. When we were young, when there were no mobile phones, we would chat while eating, and we would call our friends downstairs to play hide-and-seek and various games. I think that time was very precious.

ELLE: Will the profession of actor still exist by then?

Xiao Zhan: I think there will be. I believe that as long as life goes on, drama will continue. Because everyone needs an output, needs emotional resonance and sustenance, whether it is images or sounds. So I think that even if the world is destroyed, as long as there are still people, drama will definitely exist.

-END.

source

[buckys-little-belle]

Chapter Two - Backpack, Backpack

SFW - Please keep all interactions with this post, and this blog, SFW. 

Warnings - Mentions of Bucky’s ‘Old Life’, talks about slight “Violence” (Bucky’s past), talks of a first aid kit, feeling “scared” about being a little, fluff! Obviously! 

Word Count - 2164

Note - I've finished all of Bub and Buck's story now, and I have to say it's been crazy going back and blending chapters/blurbs together to create a more cohesive story. It's been fun, and crazy, and honestly I missed this little place that I loved so much. Cafe BigNSmall is the beginning of so much, not just this account. It was the first little writing thing I put out that really got traction and that led me to where I am now. Going to school in January for creative writing, beginning the process of writing my own book. This little fic that has brough comfort to so many, myself included, is so much bigger than just a fanfiction or just a writing process and I'm so thankful for everyone who has stuck by my side, who has liked, reblogged, and sent asks about it. I love every one of you, I love who you've helped me become, and I've loved every minute of re-writing this series and I hope you love re-reading, or even reading it for the first time. I just have so so so much love in my heart for this and for you <3

. ★ . ✪ . ★ .  ✪ . ★ . ✪ . ★ .  ✪ . ★ . 

Bucky sat at his same table for the umpteenth time, but this time he sat with a smile knowing someone was on their way to sit with him. For the first time in a while Bucky wasn’t sitting and watching everyone while feeling jealous, instead he watched as a Caregiver hugged their Little and felt hopeful that he might get to have that one day. 

“MR!” Y/n yelled from the entrance like she couldn’t believe he was there, sitting at their table ready for whatever she wished to do. “Hi!” She smiled at him when she got to the table, her usual overalls and t-shirt combo covered by a heavy sweater. He was happy she had covered up more than yesterday, the sky grey instead of blue, and the colder. 

“Hi.” He smiled back, Bucky was sure he looked goofy with how big his smile was but he didn’t care. “Chilly?” He asks as he watches them shiver slightly when the finally sit down. 

“Yeah.” Y/n tilts her head to the side as she seems to contemplate something. “I think ‘m gonna get a hot chocolate.” She rummages around her bag before finding her wallet and pulling out a five dollar bill. Bucky was quicker though, already on his feet and in the line. “What are you gonna get?” Y/n asks as she joins him in the line. 

“Well, I think I’m going to get a hot chocolate too.” He looks down at her, a silly grin on her face as she nods her head. “Their cake pops look good too.” Bucky points to the glass case full of baked goods and premade sandwiches. 

“I know!” Y/n practically jumps. “I had one once.” They frown. “But I never have enough moneys for one, maybe next week I’ll get one.” They nod their head, agreeing with their idea. 

Bucky already planned on buying Y/n a cake pop, but wanted to make sure she actually did like them. Finding out she’s only had one because she can’t afford them has him vowing to always buy her one whenever she’s here. 

The money Bucky got from the government after his treatment went public often sits in his bank account unused, he has what he needs, and most of what he wants, and he hates spending the money on useless things. Yet as he watches Y/n’s eyes flicker to the case full of sweet treats with a frown on their face he’s happy to know he finally has something, someone worth spending money on. 

“Hi, what can I get you today?” The barista smiles at Bucky, giving an extra sweet grin and a wave to Y/n. 

“Can I get two medium hot chocolates, please?” Bucky places his hand on Y/n’s shoulder to get her attention before asking. “What kind of cake pop do you want Bub?” 

“I can’t.” They shrug their shoulders, clearly not aware that Bucky’s already ordering for her. 

“I’m buying you one. Which one do you want, Bub?” He adds some clarification, leaning down slightly to be at Y/n’s height, pointing to the cake pops in the case. “I love vanilla, I think I’ll get a vanilla one.” He says, hoping that him getting one will make Y/n feel less nervous. 

She begins playing with her hands, twisting her fingers together, something Bucky’s noticed she does when anxious. “Um, I like chocolate.” She whispers, looking back at Bucky with weary eyes. “But I don’ wan’ you to buy it, I -” Bucky doesn’t let her finish her sentence, instead he stands and orders both cake pops before paying. 

With both hands on Bub’s shoulders he moves them over to the wait station. “When you’re with me I’ll be the one buying things, okay?” His tone is sweet but also somehow firm, hoping his words make sense and are final, but also hoping he doesn’t seem too overbearing. 

“Like a, like when.” Bub stumbled over her words before turning around to face Bucky, his hands dropping from her shoulders only for her to grab his left, glove covered, hand to fidget with it like she does hers. “Like a caregiver?” She asks, finally meeting Bucky’s glance. 

“Exactly like that.” Bucky nods. “I’ll act like your caregiver when we’re together, okay?” He regrets using the word ‘act’ the moment he says it, Y/n somberly nodding at his words. He wants to be her caregiver all the time, he doesn’t want to just act as one while around her, but he met her yesterday. Neither of them know each other well enough for that kind of trust, yet Bucky seems to feel like they both are on the same wavelength. Like they’ve waited long enough for someone to be their other, why wait a little longer. 

“I’d like tha’.” Y/n nods, turning back around in Bucky’s arms to wait for their cake pop and hot chocolate. 

. ★ . ✪ . ★ .  ✪ . ★ . ✪ . ★ .  ✪ . ★ . 

For a whole week Bucky and Bub met up everyday, getting hot chocolate and cake pops. Y/n kept giving Bucky colouring pages to take home with her signature at the bottom, his fridge now covered in them after a frantic late night trip to buy magnets. Walking into his house and seeing the fridge coloured in pictures made him love the fact that he bought a huge fridge able to store at least another week's worth of pictures without having to remove anymore of the ones he’s already been given. 

“Hi, Mr!” Y/n smiled as she sat down on her booth seat, her backpack placed on the table as she got comfortable. “I made you something.” 

“You did?” Bucky unpackaged her cake pop and placed it on a napkin, sliding it over to her along with her hot chocolate. “Careful it’s hot.” Bucky warned as Bub went straight for her drink the moment it was in her line of sight. 

“Otay.” She blew a breath onto the cup, though Bucky wasn’t sure how helpful her hot puff of air would be in cooling it down, instead pulling it back to himself and blowing cold air on it for her. “Here.” She placed a piece of paper onto the table. 

This picture wasn’t one from a colouring book, but one on regular plain paper, drawn by Y/n and coloured by her to. Two figures stood hand in hand with a box of crayons in the middle. One person was obviously Bucky, the other Y/n. Even if he couldn’t tell Bub had written their names “Mr” and “Bub” below each of their persons. “I love it.” Bucky smiled, sliding the, now less hot, hot chocolate back to Y/n, her taking a sip immediately and humming in content. “I’ll have to put in on my fridge.” He said aloud, though he meant to keep the words to himself, not sure if it was wrong to admit he had grown attached to Y/n enough to want her pictures on his fridge. 

“Really?” Her usually playful voice grew serious, her eyes filled with tears. “My drawing?” 

“Yeah, Bub.” He smiled, glad she seemed happy over the idea. “I have a few of your drawings on my fridge already.” He admitted. Before he could place it in his bag Y/n was up and out of her seat sliding into Bucky’s booth before wrapping her arms around him in a hug. “Oh.” Bucky lets out a surprised sigh. 

“I like you, you nice.” Y/n said as she pulled away, though didn’t leave the booth. 

“You’re nice too, Bub.” Bucky said in disbelief. He knew the two of them were making good steps towards fully being comfortable around one another, Y/n seemed to slip further and further into regression, showing she felt safe around Bucky, and she had even asked him if he was the Winter Soldier and hadn't run when he said yes. But he hadn’t expected her to feel comfortable enough to hug him, yet he wasn’t going to argue or complain. 

Y/n eyed his bag for a minute or so before asking a question. “Wha’s in your bag?” She asked, this being the first time she had truly seen it. 

“I’ll show you what’s in my bag, if you show me what’s in yours?” He offered, having been wondering what she brought with her to the cafe everyday. “Deal?” He asked, and she perked up, agreeing before sliding out and back onto her seat, something Bucky frowned at. 

“Otay!” Bub squealed, opening her green backpack before digging around a little bit. The first thing she pulled out was a small zipper pouch, the fabric printed with frogs and plants. “This has m’ keys, an’ my phone.” She pulled both out, her phone being secured in a bag inside her bag making sense as to why it took her so long to find it when her alarm went off. “An’ it has my tic tacs in it! D’ you wan’ one?” She asked with a smile, holding out tropical tic tacs to Bucky. 

“I’m okay, but thank you Bub.” He smiled, proud of her manners and willingness to share her things. He knew he couldn't take credit for her good behaviour, or her manners. She was a sweet girl even if he didn’t remind her here and there of her manners, yet he was still extremely proud of her. 

“M’kay.” Bub nodded her head, popping a few tic tacs in her mouth before moving on. “Dis, um, dis is my frog.” Bub’s once very confident attitude dulled slightly as she brought the frog stuffie out, like she was waiting for someone to say something rude. 

“He’s very cute.” Bucky reassured her, his hand brushing against the stuffed animal's foot, his fur in perfect condition. “What’s his name?” 

Y/n still seemed on alert, but opened up a little more. “I call him Green Bean.” She pats his head. 

“That’s a perfect name.” Bucky chuckles, loving how creative his Bub is. “Where did you get his outfit?” He asks, referring to the knitted overalls and t-shirt, identical to Y/n’s everyday outfit. 

“I made dem!” Bucky was happy to see her peppy spark come back as she spoke about her stuffy. Giving him the rundown on how she made them, and made clothing for all her other stuffies at home. Then she gave him the rundown on a bunny stuffie she really wanted that was identical to the one she has at home. Though “He’s no’ the same Mr! He’s a different colour!” something Bucky quickly made a mental note of. 

Bub only had her wallet and a sweater stuffed at the bottom of her bag, and a small bag of long forgotten goldfish that Bucky immediately threw out left to show. “Your turn.” Y/n reminded Bucky, gesturing to his backpack. 

“Well.” He started, opening his bag, pulling out his wallet, keys and phone. “These are the things I have on me at all times.” He said, watching Y/n pick up his keys and fiddle with them, clearly loving his accumulated keychain and key combo from the last 100 years. “Then I have a First Aid Kit.” He pulls out a bulky box, a few things banging around inside. 

“In case someone ge’s hurt?” Y/n asks, concern dripping from her expressions. 

“Exactly.” Bucky answers, though he doesn’t admit that he mainly carries it out of fear that he’ll hurt someone and need to patch them up, but he hopes that Y/n’s just thinking about scrapes and small cuts and not the carnage he’s left behind. 

“Do you have princess bandaids?” She asks with all seriousness. 

“I have princess ones, paw patrol, and starwars.” He playful one ups her, the two of them laughing before he continues. “Then I have extra crayons, colouring pages, and a couple water bottles.” He pulls out the extra things, Y/n’s hands immediately going to the colouring pages. 

“Can I do this one, please?” She asks, bouncing in her seat, her frog underneath her arm. 

“Of course, Bub.” He smiles, the frog page she chose the one he printed off last night in the hopes to give it to her. 

After the small show and tell the two of them sat together eating their cake pops and drinking their hot chocolate. Everytime he looked up Bucky realised just how lucky he was, to have found a Little who was as chill as Bub was, and as sweet as she was too. He realised that while he wished he could have met her sooner, he was happy he waited. 

“Why don’t we go to the park tomorrow?” He asked, thinking it could be good for them to get out somewhere other than just the cafe. 

“Yes!” Y/n practically jumped out of her seat at the idea, the two of them chatting about how excited they were for their adventure tomorrow.

[spacechild-glitchypix]

How to position facial features for the Our Life sprites

Idk how many people need this tutorial (especially since I kinda sat on it for like a month...whoops) but I noticed people were starting to make more sprite edits and videos using the in-game sprites and I thought having this tutorial might help for those of you who don't know exactly how to place the expression layers for the sprite.

Part 1: What am I talking about?

Ok so some of you may be reading the post title and thinking "what the hell does that mean?". For those who are unaware, if you decompile OL1 and OL2, you can find the sprites used for the characters in the game. These files are generally in character folders that contain all the bits for each sprite as well as several versions of the sprite itself in different outfits. All these base sprites files look a little like this

You may have noticed the glaringly obvious detail that Qiu here is missing most of their face. That's because there are several seperate images used for their eyebrows, eyes and mouth. The reason they're all seperated like this is to give more creative freedom over expressions than what would be allowed if there were just already a set number of sprites with set expressions

However, if you want to make a spite edit video, that means you have to piece all the expression layers over the sprite and, since the expression layers don't have the same canvas size as the sprite, you have to actually place them on the face yourself. This can lead to stuff like this.

If you're looking at this and thinking it doesn't look quite right, you're correct. This is the issue you're noticing

This is generally what happens when you try placing expression layers by eye, you end up sort of assuming you've got the right spot when you're actually slightly wrong. And this is gif just shows the facial features in the wrong spot vertically

So, I've explained the problem, now how do you fix it? It's simple actually.

Part 2: The actual tutorial part

What you'll need:

The sprites and expression layers you need (this tutorial assumes you already have the game decompiled. If you don't and have no idea how to do so, here's a tutorial for just that)

An editing software that has a tranform tool such as Photopea, Photoshop, GIMP, etc.

Step 1: Open up the sprite you want to use in your image editing software of choice and import in all the expression layers you want to use

Step 2: Open up the transform tool on your editing software. Where this is may vary, on Photopea and Photoshop you can open up either through the shortcut alt+control+t or clicking on edit in the top bar and selecting Free Transform from the menu. If you don't know where the transform tool is in your software, I'd suggest looking it up

(A showcase of where the tranform tool is in Photopea and Photoshop)

(What the transform box should look like

Step 2.5 (This might be photopea specific, idk if other software does this): If your transformation tool box looks like this, cancel out of the tool (using the little x button on the top bar) and then open the transformation tool back up again. Make sure you're not selecting multiple layers and also make sure you didn't open the tool with the transformation controls tick box from the top bar. If none of that works, just delete the layer and grab it from your folder again and try again

Step 3: With the transform tool still open on your desired layer, move the layer so that it snaps against the corner of your canvas. Your image editing software should automatically have layer snapping enabled but, if not, I suggest looking up how to turn it on. If it doesn't have this, the best suggestion I have would just be to make sure the corner of the transform tool's box and the corner of the canvas allign. Zoom in if need be. You then repeat this process for the other expression layers (and any other layers that aren't automatically allighned like the blush layers or the tear layers)

(Notice the red lines that show up when it snaps against the corner)

Step 4: Export your sprite file because that's it, you did it! Now you have a sprite with the layers placed in the right spots! Isn't that great!

...(maybe I should've chosed a happier expression for this...)

Anyways, I hope this helps!

[umbralsong]

I love experiencing a character on my own outside of fandom. Many times, I end up liking a character for reasons well-outside fanon. Astarion is among them.

Full disclosure: I am not without my critiques of the writing and am in agreement with the critiques of the ways the racism in his story is handled. Not excusing his shitty behavior or dismissing those who identified his actions as coercive. I think there is much Larian could have handled with more sensitivity. I am not Romani or Sinti, for the record, but I trust the specific concerns of those in their communities who have voiced their discomfort. As an outsider, it is inexcusable to use fictional tropes of genocide victims without informed, paid actors, consultants, and writers from that community on the team.

EA, Act II & III spoilers ahead:

Tav: What makes you so sure they're delusions? Gale: Because their promises are perfect, and in perfection lies their flaw. It's the tadpoles reading our every desire, but they don't read between the lines. They don't know some things are impossible. They don't know that… They don't know.

There are some cut EA dialogues (“CAMP_Daisy2_CRD_Astarion” for those looking for the file) where Astarion has nightmares about Cazador scarring him, but everyone knows because he has been consuming/using the tadpoles (everyone else dreams of the “Guardian”). The dream figure seems content to torment Astarion into submission, no seduction at all.

Some of these have been repurposed into nightmares in the character’s Origins. I miss certain aspects, including what became “the Dark Urge” stemming from consuming/using the tadpoles, everyone dreams when activating the illithid powers, etc. A bit of a waste.

The player may or may not know about Astarion’s relationship with Cazador, but I find it telling that trying to read the scars for him is treated as a romantic scene, likewise speaking with Wyll, Shadowheart, Gale, and Lae’zel. A few others were cut as well, giving us glimpses and more complete characterization than what we were given. Notably, Astarion is loathe to take off his shirt, refusing to “play the rake” and remember that night.

So, while valid and definitely understandable from a logical point of view, I respectfully disagree with those claiming the first night with Astarion was not (the beginning of) love.

I’m uncertain whether vampiric charm is even in his repertoire anymore, or if it’s just his pretty privilege. His situation has completely changed. He doesn’t know how to process that internally, and continues to operate as though under Cazador’s control unless encouraged by Tav over time. From personal experience, I surmise that Astarion was likely the most defiant “sibling.” Suddenly free of a toxic environment, he does not know who he is or what he wants.

Player: What do you want to do? Astarion: I... don't know. It's been so long since I've had to decide what I wanted.

Canonically. He’s rediscovering himself. I highly doubt the intention of Astarion’s first romance scene is coercive when his whole thing is consent. I acknowledge so much of this is very muddied, and I think it isn’t always handled gracefully. My point being, the man is a himbo who can’t understand his own feelings after not having any control over his body for centuries. I bet he doesn’t even realize how cheesy he is.

A few telling things:

Gale: You say all the right words, but I'm not so sure you mean the right things. Shadowheart: But what about Astarion? Losing you could nudge him to a dark path. Are you truly willing to sacrifice what you have with him, for me...? Shadowheart: (after the player asks to be with her and Astarion) I think you may be overestimating his willingness to share – he may seem like the carefree hedonist, but there’s something fragile beneath the facade. If you can give him the solace that I’m convinced he desperately needs, then it would just be cruel for me to try and elbow in – liable to end in tears, or blood, or both. Wyll: There's little between us we share. But you've fallen in love and stood by your lover. That is something this dreamer's heart can appreciate. Astarion: You gave me precious, impossible moments of comfort. I only really wanted a few more. From the start, I was rather counting the hours until it was going to end. Midnight chimes, eh?

As a demisexual, I wish Karlach didn’t have the exclusive asexual romance option, but alas. At high approval (or hell, the Act I party), I believe he wants to pursue the player. There are other motives, but Astarion is not known for his foresight or his personal insight, so frankly, he also probably doesn’t know he’s seducing someone in a real romance scene.

Spawn Astarion is not the suave, mysterious vampire lover of a fantasy story. He’s afraid, confused, uncertain. He falls first and harder. Completely cringe about it. He gets sillier as he is romanced, these performances transform into joy. They are joyous because they are genuinely silly. He’s playing the part for affection, for fun, not survival. You can also interpret it as him coming to terms with his vampirism.

Player: So you will kill them all, just because they remind you of yourself? Astarion: They do not. That weakness in me is dead. It's dead. I have a higher purpose. Player: Show them the kindness you never saw. No one deserves this fate. Astarion: Don't hate me. I just did what I had to. I swear, I did what I had to. Player: This isn't you, Astarion. Not really. Astarion: It should be. I don't want to be like them... They're pathetic, horrible…

He may initiate a relationship partly as he did in Baldur’s Gate, but hopefully the player has seen glimpses of his real self and appreciates him for it. Even if it’s mutually agreed to be purely sex, if playing for real romance, I imagine it’s an entirely new experience when someone in his situation only has to focus on being present. I imagine a real rendezvous would make him dissociate, and not for lack of attraction or pleasure, as he insists later.

Player: So the nights we spent together didn't mean anything? Astarion: Of course they did - that's the problem! Or part of it. Being close to someone - any kind intimacy - was something I performed to lure people back for him. Even though I know things between us are different, being with someone still feels... tainted. Still brings up those feelings of disgust and loathing. I don't know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I'd like to. Player: Were you even attracted to me? Or was it all a lie? Astarion: Of course I was attracted to you. Look at you, for goodness' sake! You're a vision. And you're so much more than that. I just... I don't know what to think. I don't know what I want.

He feels disgust and loathing because he had no room for love and pleasure. If it was all manipulation and lust, it wouldn’t wreck him when the player insists that had they met before, they wouldn’t have been together in the forest under the moonlight; they would have been victims of Cazador, just like everyone else he lead into undeath. It’s true romance for him.

Player: You can save them. Astarion: What's the point? They're as good as dead. I thought they were dead. If they are unleashed, they will cause incredible carnage. They will be ravenous. They must die. Better they serve a purpose. Player: In another life, you'd have led me to this crypt, and not that pretty clearing in the forest. Astarion: Gods, I can't say you're wrong. I can only say I'm so glad we didn't meet then. I don't even want to think what would have happened to you… Player: Don't avoid it. Face it. You would have killed me. Astarion: I would have killed you...

It was real.

[missfrieden]

I got bored on my way to work and then on the way home. So here I force a random drabble on you all.

Summary: Let's set the scene shall we? You jabe a random question for Tech, that catches him a bit off guard.

Rating: Mention of sex

Pairing: Techxreader (think I managed gender neutral)

Note: Hope all of you know what dyscalculia is. Because Tech having a partner which is useless with numbers, is endaring to me.

Word count: Listen drabbles are often from my phone notes, so yeah I ain't counting them.

Rabbits

That night, as Tech shook out your blanket, preparing the bunk for the both of you to settle in, you are lost in thought, a playful question forming in your mind. As you climbed into the bunk and snuggled down into the soft covers, you looked up at the man who had become the center of your galaxy. There was a hint of curiosity in your eyes as you turned to him.

“Tech?” you began, your tone light and inquisitive. Tech, always attuned to you, looked over with that familiar, attentive expression. “Yes, Y/N?” You hesitated for a moment, biting your lip, a nervous habit, as you considered how to phrase the question. But then, with a smile, you decided to just go for it. “Have you ever… I mean, have you ever counted how many times we’ve had sex? We’ve been together for about a year and a half now, so I was just wondering.”

Tech blinked, the question clearly catching him off guard. But true to form, he didn’t miss a beat. His mind quickly scanned through the mental data he always kept so meticulously organized, and within a moment, he delivered the answer with his characteristic precision. “Yes, I have,” he replied, almost too matter-of-factly. “We’ve had sex approximately 214 times, and that’s not including the individual rounds within each session, which total to 367.”

Your eyes widened in shock and surprise, mouth falling open slightly as you processed what he had just said. “Wait… what?” you laughed, clearly amazed. “Tech, that’s… we’re like rabbits!” Tech frowned slightly, confused by the comparison for just a moment before realization dawned on him. “Oh, you mean in terms of frequency,” he said, his expression clearing. “I didn’t intend to imply anything, I just… well, I tend to keep track of details like that. It’s a habit of mine.” You couldn’t help but laugh at his earnestness, your heart swelling with affection. The idea that Tech had been keeping such precise count was both endearing and a little surprising, but it was also so perfectly in line with who he was. “Tech, you’re amazing,” you said, still chuckling. “But seriously, why do you keep track of it?”

Tech hesitated, clearly trying to find the right words to explain himself. “Well,” he began, somewhat awkwardly, “I suppose it’s because I’m a person who finds comfort in data and patterns. Tracking these moments allows me to… analyze and understand our relationship in a more tangible way. It’s not just about the numbers, it’s about ensuring that our connection remains strong, that I’m meeting your needs… and, well, it’s just part of who I am.”

As he spoke, he began to stammer slightly, his usual composure wavering as he tried to articulate something that, for him, was both deeply personal and difficult to put into words. But before he could finish, ypu leaned in, placing a gentle finger over his lips to stop him. “Tech,” you start softly, your voice filled with warmth, “you don’t need to explain. I love that you’re so precise, that you care enough to keep track of things like this. Someone in this relationship has to be good with numbers, and if it isn’t me, then I’m glad it’s you.”

You smiled at him, eyes shining with affection. You had always admired Tech’s incredible mind, the way he could handle complex calculations with ease, while you struggle with even basic math because of that stupid dyscalculia of yours. But you had never felt inferior because of it, Tech had a way of making you feel valued and appreciated for who you are, no matter what. Tech’s tension melted away as your words sank in, and he relaxed, returning your smile. “I just… want to make sure you’re happy,” he said quietly, his voice full of sincerity. “That’s the most important thing to me.”

Your heart swelled with love as you leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to his lips. “And you do,” you murmured against his mouth. “Every single day. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, Tech. Not one thing.” You stayed like that for a moment, wrapped up in each other, the warmth of your connection surrounding you like a comforting blanket. When you two finally pull back, you settled against him, resting your head on his chest, closing your eyes, a contented smile on your lips.

“I’m really glad you’re the one who’s good with numbers,” you said softly, your voice tinged with a hint of playful teasing. “Because I know I can always count on you.” Tech chuckled softly, wrapping his arm around you and holding you close. “And I’ll always be here to count on,” he replied, his tone filled with warmth.

As you lay there, the quiet of the night settling around you, Tech couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the incredible person in his arms. You understood him in a way that no one else ever had, and you loved him for exactly who he was, numbers and all.

Main Masterlist

And as you two drifted off to sleep, Tech made a silent promise to himself that he would continue to cherish and protect this incredible bond you shared, ensuring that your relationship remained as strong and full of love as it had been since the very beginning.

Tag: @spectacular-skywalker @neyswxrld @clonethirstingisreal @sleepycreativewriter @moonwreckd @sskim-milkk @heidnspeak

[ryuichirou]

What are your opinions/headcanons of if the TWST cast went to their significant other/fb and just call them "daddy" or "master" nonchalantly? This would either be due to a thing they say online and got curious, a dare, or just wanting any reaction out of their partner

To be honest, the more I thought about it, the more difficult it was for me to imagine any of these boys calling anyone “daddy” or “master”. I still have no idea why would any of them do that. But it’s also kind of funny to think about how these boys would react to it, so… Just fyi, we don’t like this... trope? kink?, hence are the problems with my imagination.

Riddle – he is probably the most innocent when it comes to understanding the implications of these words, but it would still feel somewhat weird to him. If it’s Floyd who does that, he would kind of dig the idea of being Floyd’s master… for one moment, and then get very loudly mad at him grinning at his reaction.

Ace – he would choke on his own saliva because of shock and say that it was cringe, but secretly kind of be a little into it.

Deuce – he would think that Ace is making fun of him, get flustered and mad and smack him. Don’t call him that!

Trey – awkward laughter. He would say that it’s okay; there was this one time when someone accidentally called him “mom”, so it happens. Of course he is just playing dumb, he knows the implications of being called that. He is just a little bit too shocked to hear that from Riddle, so he needs some time to process that.

Cater – he would also laugh it off, but then suddenly start playing along. He isn’t sure if he likes it or not yet, but he’ll figure it out in the process. It is new to him though, so he might say that he is more of a “cute oniichan” type~

Leona – for some reason… actually hearing it is even worse than he thought. It sounds like Ruggie just wants something from him. Maybe it’s because it’s Ruggie of all people.

Ruggie – confused blink, finger pointing at self like “me?”. He would then grin and ask if he can boss Leona around now that he is Master… and get his Master rights revoked immediately.

Jack – he is not innocent to the point of not knowing how it sounds, but no matter who he hears that from, he would be surprised and flustered. With Vil, he would think that this is some kind of improv and that he expects Jack to play along… he would think too hard about it.

Azul – if it’s Jamil who says it (????? I wonder why…), Azul would chuckle smugly and say something among the lines of “now, what do you want from me? Be honest”. Because he knows there is no way Jamil means it, but still, you can hear it in his voice, he is kind of… happy. And if it’s Idia who does it, Azul would get a bit more annoyed and embarrassed from the get-go: “Are you teasing me, Idia-san??”

Floyd – he would either get annoyed or start abusing the fact that he is Daddy/Master. If someone is bold enough to call him that, he might as well take it and start demanding that person to do ridiculous(ly perverted) things for him. Chances are, the other guy (Riddle, Epel, whoever) doesn’t play along, and then Floyd would stop him and say “hey, I thought you said I am your master now?”

Jade – he would act surprised at first, but then say that it’s very sudden, but he is going to do his best to be the best Daddy or Master possible. And if he was called Daddy, he would continue saying the word Daddy so many times until the poor guy who said it dies of cringe. Are you dissatisfied with your Daddy? He is very sorry that he isn’t Daddy enough even though you called him Daddy. And yes, he would abuse the role of Master just as Floyd would.

Kalim – even though there is some part of him that understands that this isn’t what being called “master” means, he would ask to just call him Kalim. And if he is being called “daddy” he would just get very confused. “Do you miss your father, Jamil? Should we facetime him?”

Jamil – what… doesn’t have time or energy for this, what the hell is this… (although to be fair, he really does enjoy being called master in the game 🤔 kinky hoe)

Vil – somehow he looks disappointed, no matter who he hears this from, but he would look especially disappointed (and SURPRISED) with Rook. If you want to call him something, come up with something better. No, not “mommy”.

Rook – honestly, he is an enigma, it’s super difficult to picture his reaction in particular, but I think he would act play along a little bit… and then somehow turn it into an entirely different roleplay. It wasn’t even a roleplay to begin with, but now it is. Daddy or Master aren’t necessarily his go-to words to hear about himself…

Epel – oh no, I think he would get genuinely happy and giggly. After being a little shocked of course. Still, the thought of it being a joke wouldn’t cross his mind at first, even if he hears it from someone like Floyd.

Idia – he really doesn’t get it, but he really doesn’t like it. It sounds like a joke. Being called “master” is slightly better, because it kind of reminds him of one gacha game about maids that always greets him with “welcome back, master”, but it’s one thing when it’s a cute little girlie calls you that… being called that by Azul or Lilia or the Tweels just sounds like a threat. Unless it’s Ortho, Ortho is always cute <3

Ortho – he would “yes, and” it. Of course there is no way Idia or Vil (or anyone else) would mean it literally, which means there is some attempt at play! And he would play along! Sounds very fun. He would wonder what kind of things he could demand for as a master >:3c He could also play along with the “daddy” scenario and it’s cursed, no one wants to hear it.

Lilia – he is pretty used to it, I think lol Well, I guess “father” and “daddy” are two different things. He would be very surprised if Silver called him daddy, and would probably take it as a wholesome thing. Of all things this is what Lilia would take as wholesome..?? If Malleus says it though, Lilia would instantly get amused because this is very bold and inappropriate of him (in a way he wonders if Malleus even knows the sexual implications of the word).

Silver – he would probably ignore it and think that it wasn’t him who his partner (Sebek?) was referring to. Then, he would blink confusedly because there is not a single scenario in his head that would make it make sense. He is probably just going to suggest Sebek to take the rest of the day off and sleep…

Sebek – another one who would get weirdly into being called master, but still yell at the person who called him that, while blushing and getting very obviously nervous. Like we mentioned just the other day, being called “daddy” would make him think about being compared to Lilia, so this is a bit more weird to him…

Malleus – oho? Him, a parent? If it’s Lilia, how quaint of him. Is this another joke that Malleus doesn’t get? And if it’s Sebek, then… is he feeling okay? Malleus would get concerned. Well, if he calls him “master”, I guess this isn’t so different from being his liege.

[katblu42]

Dinosaur Bandaids

I am totally blaming thanking @womble1 for inspiring this one, with one little line from her Sweetapple Slice 8 fic.

Also many thanks to @gumnut-logic for the read-through and help with the piece that was missing.

CW for mentions of blood/bleeding (nothing gory)

Virgil fumbled the opening of the box, contents spilling to the floor as he attempted to grab what he needed with just one hand.  He cursed himself for his clumsiness.  Again.  It was clumsiness born of distraction that had necessitated the raiding of the little first aid kit to begin with.

Just a simple slip of the screwdriver and his left hand now had a nice bloody gouge in it.  Not deep, and not longer than a few millimetres, but bleeding profusely, and a little painful.  He had immediately wrapped a somewhat clean rag around his hand to staunch the bleeding while he fetched a bandaid to put over the wound.  Next stop would be the sink to clean the area before applying the sticky plaster.  If he was quick no one else would be any the wiser about his little mishap.

Of course, his hopes on that front were dashed as he bent to pick up the mess.

“Hey Virg!  Watch doin’?”  Gordon asked with mock innocence.

Virgil simply huffed in reply as Gordon scooped up the handful of little paper packets.

“Dinosaur bandaids, huh?”  A raised eyebrow to rival one of Virgil’s own was deployed, along with a knowing grin.  “Here, let me help.”

Plain beige sticking plasters were a rarity on Tracy Island.

The older residents of the villa would say it was because the Terrible Two had always demanded bright colours and fun designs on their wound dressings when they were little, and no one had ever bothered to change the habit during re-stocking purchases.

The Two in question would complain and say it was because said older residents had never admitted that the little ones were now adults.

There were some practical reasons too.  A brightly coloured sticky plaster that had fallen off while performing tasks like food preparation or some types of maintenance would be more easily visible than plain beige.

If Virgil was honest with himself he’d say the real reason was because they all sometimes needed the little mood lift the bright designs provided.  It was part of the magic ability bandaids had to make small injuries better.

Virgil allowed Gordon to take his hand and begin the process of cleaning and dressing the injury.  Once done, Gordon gently smoothed the sticky plaster’s edges down one last time before looking up and locking eyes with his big brother.

“There you go.  All better.  The dinosaurs will take care of that little scratch.”

Virgil matched his little brother’s smile and thanked him with a hug before returning the box of bandaids to their rightful place.

Long gone were the days when Gordon or Alan would come running to a big brother because of some perceived injury that was completely invisible.  The application of a blue bandaid covered in brightly coloured fish, or a black one with little red rockets, and a kiss to make it better was all it took to have a little brother smiling and running off to do more mischief.

Mom had done the same for the older boys when they had needed their bumps and scrapes tended.  And Dad and Grandma had done their share of both patching up, and sticky plaster purchasing.  There had never been boring beige ones as far back as Virgil could remember.  And there had often been a variety of sizes and shapes in the medicine cabinet.

The habit had stuck so fast (not unlike the plasters themselves) that it had even affected the restocking of the Thunderbirds. Plain bandaids in a variety of sizes and skin tones were carried in every kit and medbay, but there were almost equal numbers of the patterned ones in the larger first aid kits.

Offering an injured child a choice of dinosaurs or aeroplanes was sometimes just the right kind of distraction from the fear and confusion of whatever event they had just been through.  Virgil had even patched up a few beloved dolls and plushies with their own teddy bear plaster.

But, the novelty bandaids worked equally well on adults. 

There had been so many occasions when Virgil had treated a rescuee with only minor cuts and scrapes, but with the tell-tale tremble and haunted expression that prompted him to offer the choice of plain or patterned.  Without fail the glassy eyes would focus on the various designs, the tension in their bodies would ease and the bandaid magic would begin to take effect as they made their choice.

After all, when you’ve been through an event traumatic enough to require a Thunderbird to the rescue, doesn’t everyone deserve their very own superhero or fairy princess plaster to patch their wounds and lift their mood.

[creedslove]

DESERVE IT - PART ELEVEN

Javier Peña x f!reader

Summary: Three conversations. One with Javier, one with Steve and one with Messina help you be more honest with yourself and finally make up your mind on what to do

Warnings: not many warnings, just a little bit of angst, some language, reader being impatient with everybody, but then fluff and fluff and sweetness

A/N: I am in love with his chapter. I really hope you guys like it as much as I did, I am so happy with how this story is going. I can't wait to hear your thoughts, because I am so excited!!!

• PART ONE TO TEN ON MY MASTERLIST

5k words

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

That was the only word Javier's brain could process when he realized what was happening. 

e was sharp and intelligent, a skill demanded by his job, but at that moment his thoughts slowed down and he wouldn't be able to decide what to do even if his life depended on it. He simply had no action at the fact Gabriela, his… acquaintance was standing there, inside of a cell crying for him. And not only that, that motherfucker of your ex-boyfriend came up with the perfect bait so you would watch it everything. It didn't help when the cell was open and Gabi wrapped her arms around his neck, crying for his help in a dramatic way, probably too dramatic and giving him the pout and teary eyes so he would use his cop privilege to help her. 

And it definitely didn't help his case when he saw you turning your back and walking out the hallway, refusing to watch the scene.

He had expected something along the ambush lines, maybe Manu wanting to beat him up, or worse, beat you up, or some sicario from Los Pepes willing to blabber for a very low price about their deal. His cop mind ran freely through all the horrible possibilities that encounter could bring to him, and well, to you, but not in a million of years could he predict something like that would happen. If it had happened to any other agent, he would be laughing his ass off probably, but at that moment he just found out the hard way it wasn't funny. At all. 

Gabi sniffed and placed her hand on his cheek, stroking it gently as she bit her lips, but Javier's bigger hand wrapped around it and gently snapped it away. He didn't want her touching him like that, it felt uncomfortable and god forbid if you walked in again and saw that, he was screwed up enough as he was. 

The woman smirked and placed her hands on her waist, taking a good look at Javier and nodding "you're still looking so good mi amor, I miss you… did you find someone who does the job better?" She asked with a smirk "that girl seems kinda plain to you, I don't think she can make you feel like I do…" Gabi bit her lips and took another step closer, her hands going for his sides, planning on trapping him in a hug, but Javi immediately held her at arms length and shook his head. 

"Don't talk about her, Gabi, it's none of your business, now if you want my help you'd better shut up or you'll spend the night in this cell" he saw the surprise in her eyes. For all the years she knew Javier Peña, he had never acted like that. He wasn't being rude, per se, but he wasn't being his gentle, soft self either.

She thought it was odd, Gabi had never seen him with a woman nor mention one, so what if that one was special to him somehow? She raised her eyebrow but knew it was best not to screw up her best shot to get rid of that problem. 

You on the other hand, just couldn't watch that scene.

You weren't dumb, you knew about Javier's behavior but it didn't mean it didn't sting to have that reminder of his past behavior. It felt pretty uncomfortable to see a hooker get all handsy and at ease around the guy you liked, as if they had shared a dirty little secret you couldn't be a part of. You couldn't help feeling nauseous at the shredding jealousy you felt. She had touched him, way more than you did, she'd felt him inside of her so many times, she'd known his deepest, most lustful desires. His hand must have traveled her entire body, maybe he had even memorized all of her curves, her details. You hated that. And you hated her for that. 

However, that ugly, poisonous jealousy wasn't enough to change your feelings for Javier. You still loved him just the same, but having to face that woman, the way she whined your boyfriend's name and… 

Wait.

Was Javi your boyfriend? You widened your eyes at the thought, it hadn't occurred to you before. He kinda was, but he also wasn't, you didn't know. But it didn't matter, you hated the way she called his name, you were the one who was supposed to whine, call, scream, cry his name, not any other woman, and definitely not some lowlife skank like that. The way she wrapped her arms around his neck, for a split second you thought she would get on the tip of her toes and would kiss him, and god, if she'd done that, you would grab Javier's gun and shoot her.

Well, not really, but you would definitely feel like doing it. 

So you turned your back to them and went to the reception, what you didn't expect was to see Manu right after you. He had that stupid smug smile on his face and you wanted to punch him for that. You could tell how much fun he was having with that entire situation and you weren't going to be quiet about it.

You folded your arms and stared at him, who just chuckled and raised his eyebrow.

"I can't even imagine what you must be feeling now, Y/N… your boyfriend being called by a fucking prostitute in the middle of the night to come to rescue… in front of the entire team, and someone will definitely tell Colleen who will spread the news first thing in the morning… god that is embarrassing" he laughed "I'm almost sorry for you, Y/N… but you deserve this" he shrugged and you scoffed, if you felt any guilt for betraying him at any part of your day, now it had all gone away, you felt nothing but anger. Towards Manu, Javier and mostly Gabriela.

"I'm not happy about it, I gotta give you that, but since you are into gossip, here's one you can spread through the whole office first thing in the morning, honey" you took a step closer and smirked "remember the night we spent together? Well, you couldn't make me cum because you are a pathetic lover, so all the noise I made that night was because I was picturing Javier fucking me instead" you smiled "and there's more… in the morning, when I woke up, I moaned his name, because he was the one in my wet dream" you winked at him and saw as his whole face went red with anger and the way he clenched his fist made you weary, but before any of you could say anything at all, Gabi walked out the door with Javier. She held some papers and her jacket against her body, while he looked annoyed and angry. 

He immediately picked up the tension in the air and fastened his pace, meeting you in a few seconds, a protective arm around your shoulders as he looked at Manu, who was clearly at a loss of words but looking like he could burst in rage at any point. 

He thought the best would be taking you out of that place, so he placed his hand on the small of your back and guided you outside, without looking back. He didn't know what had happened during that short moment between you and your ex, but whatever that was called for an exit. 

Javier felt the exhaustion in his body, it was just too much confusion for one day, too many things happening all at once and to make things worse he would certainly have to face gossip at work the next day. 

He walked you to his car, but the sound of heels right behind you, made you both turn around. 

Gabriela was biting her lips and looking at Javier with the same dramatic and needy eyes. 

"Javi? Can I get a ride back downtown?" She bit her lips, making sure to whine his name, you felt a cold shiver down your spine, at the realization she probably moaned his name like that during sex. 

Your cheeks heated up and your heart accelerated with anger, you tried keeping that to yourself but quickly gave up as Gabriela took another step towards Javier. 

"Next time you need my services, I won't charge you anything, Javi" she whispered and bit her lips, ready to place a peck on his cheek but you immediately stormed in blocking her and looked at her 

"Oh yeah? You gonna give him that good of a discount?" You lowered your voice, staring coldly into her eyes "too bad he's not gonna take the offer, in fact, Gabi…" you whined her name just like she did when she called Javier "if there's a next time Javier touches you, you can bet your pretty ass he will do it while helping the other cops carrying your dead body out of a crime scene" you said and gave him the same glare "are we going home now or sleeping over at your desk so we won't arrive late for work, Peña?" You gritted your teeth and Javi saw you were not joking. 

He'd seen you angry, frustrated and upset, but he hadn't seen you pissed off like that. It was like something took over you as you seemed so fierce, so strong and there was definitely something sexy to it, which he thought it would be better not to comment on it. He knew a great part - if not all of it - of your anger was caused by his familiarity with Gabi, and he definitely didn't want to spark any other conversations about that. 

He simply looked down, avoiding the prostitute's pleading eyes and got into the car silently, not knowing what to tell you or what to say at all. 

You, on the other hand, just stared out the window as the streets of Bogotá were nothing but a blur as Javier drove fast through the night. A growing headache made you sigh in defeat. Things were not supposed to be going like that at all. According to your first plan, you would be coming back from a date with Javier, he would have given you flowers, taken you out for dinner, maybe even danced a little salsa before heading home to a heated night of passion. 

But then, things changed when you had your traumatic encounter with Manu, still, you and Javi managed to come up with a backup plan, better than you thought you would. You were going to fucking shower with Javi, you were going to be able to touch each other, see each other, kiss each other's skin and with a little luck he would rail you in bed after railing you in the shower, but of course things were just too good and too easy for you, so everything got ruined by that horrible woman, so yeah, you were not happy at that moment. 

You could tell Javi was just as tense, he was probably tired too, from all that happened the past few days, the turmoil of feelings and everything they brought up caused the two of you, the physical pain of being beaten up, not being able to rest and all the damn problems that never seemed to go away. And he was also stepping on eggshells around you, it was obvious. 

You couldn't blame him, you were actually glad he was being extra careful around you, because as bad tempered as you were at that moment, you feared you'd snap at him at any second. 

Getting home then, was an awkward task, but you managed to accomplish it thanks to Javier's great driving skills. He was fast and ran one red light or another, it didn't really matter, and not too long after, you were finally home. Javi was kind enough to walk you to your apartment, he wasn't sure what to say or what to do, but didn't actually want to leave you alone. So he just stood awkwardly in the living room for a couple of minutes before following you into your room. 

You were undressing, kicking off your shoes and getting rid of your sweater. He noticed you were picking from where you left off before you both had to rush to the station, but this time, he was sure he wasn't invited to your shower.

"Are we gonna talk about what happened?" He broke the silence and swallowed. It was quite hilarious Javier had arrested, fought and shot some of the most cruel men in the country without batting his eyes and yet, there he was, anxious and worried about your next move. 

You sighed tiredly and looked at him.

"There's not much we have to talk about, is there? I mean, too much happened in a short span of time, right Javi? Los Pepes, you beaten up, us sleeping together, Manu finding out and now your… friend, asking you for help" you bit your lips "it feels like we lived months, years in just a few days, and it made me very tired… I promise you I am more tired than angry right now. It was embarrassing for the two of us, having Gabriela getting all cozy around you, offering you to fuck her for free… that made sick" you admitted "I never judged you for going out with hookers, but I felt a little humiliated… she knows you more than I do, she has touched you more than I did" you sighed and Javier could see there was more than just jealousy in your eyes. There was sadness in them. 

You two had been on the run for so long, sometimes chasing each other like cat and mouse and sometimes you were just doing that dangerous dance, but it felt like you were stuck. As much as you witnessed and learned things about Javier no one ever had, as much as you were the one who made him want to grow as a man, who made him open up to love and admit he was indeed so in love with you, he still hadn't even taken you out on a date, he hadn't properly touched you, taken his time, given you pleasure and told you about his feelings for you. Of course he had mentioned his little happy ever after fantasy, but you could have easily interpreted it as a joke, which he was sure you had. 

He realized you had assurance of absolutely nothing and you were now second guessing your relationship and he couldn't blame you for that. 

"So… should I stay or do you want me to go?" He asked you unsure of your answer. 

You tiredly shrugged 

"It's up to you, Javi… I'll shower now" 

You wanted him to have stayed, but you didn't say so, whereas he wanted to stay but thought he wasn't welcome.

And when you left the bathroom, Javier was already gone.

      •••

You were finishing your coffee when someone knocked on the door, you were already all set to go to work, and you could hear the heavy rain under the roof, the weather was so inviting to stay in bed and be lazy the whole day, but you knew you had something to do, you just couldn't remember exactly what it was, but after the whole shit storm that hit you and Javier, it was natural your memory wasn't that great. 

You got up and answered the door, growing surprised to find Steve there. 

"Hey Y/N… Peña asked me to drive you to the embassy, he said you and him had meetings scheduled with Messina but she ended up calling him earlier this morning and asked him to go as fast as he could.." 

Shit. 

You had completely forgotten about your appointment with Messina. That's what was bothering you so much but you couldn't wrap your head around it. You had an idea of what she was going to talk to you but you had so much in your mind you couldn't even think of her proposal. You sighed to yourself, already feeling an anxiety creeping up your chest. 

"She's probably got something far up his ass now" he chuckled and took your attention away from your own thoughts. "anyway, it's raining and traffic is crazy, so let's go" 

Steve hadn't said much for about ten minutes, but the silence was awkward and you could just tell he was holding something back. He ran his tongue through his teeth, trying to find the exact words he could use in order to ask you, but they weren't very good. There was nothing better he could think of other than the blunt truth. 

"So… you and Javi?" He raised his eyebrow at you and chuckled at your surprised face "you know, it doesn't take a lot of brains to figure that out, you and him have been in this will they won't they situation for quite a while and it's nice things are getting into the right place" you frowned and shook your head softly, wanting to say something but being at a loss of words, so Steve took the opportunity to continue. 

"Kinda fucked up I took you for a hooker on Saturday night though, but you were loud" 

"Steve?!" You said angrily as you felt mortified at his words, though yeah, he was right and yeah, you were loud. "Can we just not talk about it? I mean, I don't know what's with Javi and me, we haven't talked about anything at all, I still don't know if things will work out or if we should have done it… it's just complicated" 

"Complicated?!" He raised his eyebrow and scoffed "complicated was my relationship when my wife left me!!! That was fucking complicated, Y/N… you and Javi are just two idiots in love who are too stubborn to admit it, there's nothing complicated about that, there's just you playing hard to get and Javier having no balls to actually get you" 

You were shocked to say the least. Steve had never talked to you like that, or about Javi that way, out of all the people in the world, you didn't expect that coming from Steve Murphy. For once, he wasn't one to give relationship advice and you had no idea things were so obvious like that, were you and Javi that pathetic?

He took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead as he parked in front of the Embassy

"Listen, I didn't mean to sound like a jerk, but you gotta stop for a moment and be true to yourself. You like Javi, and he likes you too… he isn't husband material, but what if he can't become one? Maybe he does love you and maybe he does want to do things right, what have you got to lose? Sooner or later this whole Escobar war will end and we will all go back home, and you will spend the rest of your days daydreaming about what could have happened between the two of you?" He asked "just… go with the flow, have fun. If it works you'll end up with the guy you love and if it doesn't work, at least you get to live some days of happiness with someone who makes you feel good" he said and looked outside as you opened the door and exited the car without saying a word. 

Peña looked around uncomfortably as Messina kept talking. He had honestly stopped paying attention to what her boss was blabbering about for at least ten minutes. It was all about Los Pepes and how they could come up with actions to stop them, at the same time they needed to come up with actions to stop Escobar. He was just tiring of that labyrinth, because no matter how much they ran and exchanged turns, they would never find their way out. 

"..and lastly, I asked you to come earlier because I got a report concerning your behavior, agent Peña…" she said opening a file and read out loud the written report about Gabriela's arrest the night before and saw how he uncomfortably shifted in his chair "... Anyway, one unidentified agent made allegations you had paid for this woman's…. Services, with money from the embassy" 

Javier's face felt like it was caught on fire. He couldn't hide his embarrassment and couldn't even look Messina in the eyes. It was obvious Manuel was the rat who made those allegations, which were not necessarily false, there were times Javier did pay the girls with american resources, but only when he was pursuing info on the cartels, if the girls after providing them the information offered their services to him, then he couldn't actually deny it, but he thought he shouldn't actually tell Messina that. 

"It's just that… Agent Peña, I know you have your personal life, but I thought you were dating that young lady… Y/N… and I don't think that's the correct attitude. You two seem like a lovely couple and I know our conversation is highly inappropriate, but you are one of our best agents on the field and I also know how debilitating this job can be…" 

Javier thanked the heavens for the knock on the door that interrupted Messina's lecture. 

Deep down, he knew she was completely right but it was so painfully embarrassing to have to hear her scolding him about that. It felt like his mother had to give him the talk all over again and he couldn't hide his shame.

Messina licked her lips and also looked down at a bunch of paper over her desk, she realized maybe she had gone too far on prying into one of her agent's personal business, but she was just so exhausted of her job's impossible and frustrating demands at the same time she had to handle small, petty feuds between agents like a school teacher would do when her students were bickering. 

Finally, she took a big sip of water and cleared her throat, commanding whoever knocked to come in.

You took a step inside hesitantly, you could feel the thick tension and Javier's expression was indecipherable. 

Messina nodded at him, dismissing him without using any words and you watched as Javier got up as fast as he could, wanting to get away from the woman. If you weren't so anxious about your own meeting, you would have probably laughed at his reaction, he looked like a naughty boy who was caught red handed and needed to get away before getting into trouble. 

You walked towards the chair at the same time he moved towards the door, the two of you definitely not in your best shape, clearly with your minds elsewhere, especially when Javier bumped into you by accident, making you squeal softly and gripped his hands on your hips. 

You locked eyes with him, as your bodies were so close and if you wanted to kiss those lips all you had to do was to move a little further and get on the tip of your toes. 

And God, you did wanna kiss those lips, you could practically feel them on yours already, when Messica cleared her throat, clearly irritated at the scene she witnessed. 

"Agent Peña, can you please close the door on your way out?" 

Javi slowly let go of your sides, though he couldn't look away from you just yet, instead he nodded at Messina quickly and grabbed his jacket. 

You swallowed and tried catching your breath, sitting down and drying the small beads on sweat that formed in your forehead. 

"So, Y/N… I called you here to discuss your transfer to another country, just as you had requested over two months ago and…" Messina eyebrows furrowed 

"Agent Peña, do you mind, please?" She raised her voice, not hiding the anger as Javier stood at the door, listening to the conversation. He couldn't believe you still wanted to move away from Colombia. He knew you had filled that request when you both fell out with each other, but was it possible you would want to leave now? Now that you two were so close to being together?

You turned around and you had the impression that if you had kicked a puppy on the street, the puppy's eyes would look less sad than Javier's. You swallowed and didn't say a word, as he closed the door as quietly as possible and left you and Messina alone to discuss your future. 

Javi waited by the marquee as he lit another cigarette, he was impatient as he watched the raindrops falling just a few centimeters from him. He wasn't sure if you wanted him to wait for you, but he wanted to see you, to talk to you. He had been longing for it ever since the night before. He wanted to have stayed with you, held you until you were asleep but he wasn't sure if you would want the same, so he decided not to overstep things. 

He could have waited inside, so he would catch you as soon as you left Messina's office, but the anxiety was too constant and he needed a smoke to relax some more. No matter how much he tried distracting himself or thinking about another thing, it all went back to you.

What if you were going to transfer… what would Javi do without you? He couldn't just quit his job and go after you, would you even want that? So many things worried him to no end at the same time his heart ached, he didn't have a good feeling about that at all.

You couldn't believe yourself when you left Messina's office. She had offered you the opportunity you had been dreaming about for so long, even before going to Colombia, all you needed to do was to say yes and hop on the first plane to Europe. You would leave that blood splash behind. Escobar, Carlos, Manu and Javier. 

It would all become nothing more than a distant memory, of a turbulent phase of your life.

You could start fresh, in a new city, a new opportunity to live your life. 

But you would be loveless, because you would leave your heart with Javier and you couldn't do that. 

You looked around the Embassy and couldn't find a trace of him, you hadn't asked him to wait for you, but you had a feeling in your guts and a small hope in your heart he would be there. The rain had almost stopped and you thought of going outside, maybe he would be there smoking a cigarette. 

You fastened your pace, your heart beating so fast as you finally found him. You could recognize him like that anywhere. His back, his hair, his tight jeans highlighting Javi's cute ass. It all made you giggle and you rushed to him, you didn't care if you looked like a crazy woman running under rain, you just stopped when you grabbed him by the arms, pulling him slightly as you hadn't quite stopped at the right time and pecked his neck. 

"Morning, agent Peña" you smiled as he threw the cigarette butt away and turned to you. He was shocked to say the least. First, he hadn't expected you being so happy to see him, at all. In fact, his pessimistic tendencies had already convinced you would rush home to pack your bags and go back to the USA as soon as possible. 

However, there you were, smiling, gripping his body. Shit, get it together, Javier. He told himself and immediately placed his hands on your hips, tighter than he did in Messina's office just some moments ago, pulling you closer, he watched your face, wanting to find any clues of what was your final decision.

He licked his lips and felt his heart pounding in his chest. 

"So? Did she offer you the job? Outside Colombia?" He swallowed and you nodded "is it good?" He questioned, seeing you nod again.

"New York, Javi… big deal" you said and saw how his eyes lost the sparkle, you felt guilty as he just assumed you had taken the job, you decided to end that torture, but he was faster. 

"W-when?" His voice broke a little and he immediately cleared his throat, ashamed of showing you some of that gutting feeling. "When are you leaving?" 

You frowned at him and smiled.

"I'm a little confused Javi… I thought I was- actually, we were supposed to leave only when we moved to your dad's ranch… isn't it what we talked about?" You asked and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer "I'm only leaving Colombia when you leave it with me, then we'll go to Laredo, right? You'll take care of your pop's ranch, and I'll get a job at the courthouse or something… that until baby Peña shows up…" you smiled when you saw Javier smiling. 

All the tension in his body dissolved, pulling you even tighter as he couldn't believe his ears at your words. You had actually listened to him, you had liked his plans. You weren't leaving him, you were giving him a chance and he couldn't be more thankful for it. 

"But it feels kinda weird to plan this huge trip without even going on a date first, doesn't it?" You asked and grabbed his left arm, taking a look at his watch to see what time it was. 

"So, you got two hours to figure out where to take me… I'm going home to get ready, and remember, Peña… no date, no happy ending in our ranch with our family" you winked and pulled him for a kiss, his big hand cupped your cheek, but you quickly said goodbye and went home.

You had a date with Javier Peña before you could start your life with him. 

____

A/N: I hope you guys have enjoyed this chapter, I guess we can now finally forget Manu ever existed and I am so happy about how reader treated Gabi because honestly I would have done it worse if a skank wanted to touch my Javi 🔪 and finally, reader and Javi getting together for real, I love it ❤️

[she-who-fights-and-writes]

HOW TO WRITE A FINAL DRAFT

(From Someone Who’s Been Working on the Same Book for Over Ten Years)

Listen, I know what you might be thinking: “why the hell would I want advice on how to work on my final draft from someone who can’t even get her shit together for her own book?”

However, because I’ve had to re-draft my own novel so many times (Primarily due to poor outlining, lack of time and inspiration, and my own insecurities as a writer), I’ve learned a lot over the years on when to know if your book is done (or not!) and how to keep motivated. 

Just a disclaimer that these are my own tips and tricks that you may not agree with, and that everyone’s writing process is different! Don’t feel pressured to do things my way if you feel like it doesn’t work for you as a writer; everyone’s experience varies, and there are always exceptions!

1. Know If You’re Ready to Start a Final Draft

Some vocabulary for writers to know:

Content editing is a form of editing that revises the overall style, substance, and content of a story. Copyediting is a form of editing that revises grammatical, spelling, readability, continuity, and factual errors within a story.

A way I would know if I’m ready to make a final draft is if I am no longer doing major content editing on the book. This means I am no longer making major changes to the plot, characters, setting, and other facets of the book. There isn’t any re-writing of entire scenes, or major plot holes that require an overhauling of the entire book.

You know you’re ready for a Final Draft if your primary concerns are copyediting. 

Of course, with copyediting errors such as continuity, there will inevitably be some re-writing required, but I personally would not want to start a “final draft” at a stage where the book’s major plot points must be constantly changed during the editing process. 

This varies so much, from writer to writer; so my best advice is to start your final draft when you think you’re ready!

2. Consider Getting Some Beta Readers

Again, this is an incredibly complex process; some people like to have beta readers on their earlier drafts, while others like to have beta readers for their later drafts.

A beta reader is someone who reads a work of fiction before it is published in order to mark errors and suggest improvements, typically without receiving payment (although it’s nice to swap stories and beta read for each other!) You can find people willing to be beta readers all over, especially on tumblr!

Having a round of beta readers is a great opportunity to have unbiased eyes on your work, and to have people pointing out plot holes and inconsistencies that maybe you hadn’t noticed! It also gives you a much-needed break from writing your story, and helps you come back to it with fresh eyes once everyone is done.

I personally am waiting to finish my current rewrite before having a round of beta readers, and after they look it over, doing a draft of my own editing before moving on to a final draft.

(Things don’t work out the way you think they will, though—that’s life! Take as long or as little time as you need!)

3. Consider Taking a Break

In my opinion, the best way to start editing a final draft is doing so with fresh eyes. After finishing your second-to-last draft, shelf your project for a few weeks (or maybe a few months!) and move on to another work. Then, you can come back to your story as if you were a new reader, and catch mistakes that you may have missed if you were still in the groove of writing!

This can sometimes be dangerous for writers who struggle with inspiration and getting back into things, though, so do whatever works best for you!

4. Tips to Keep Inspired

How to Overcome Writer’s Block

How to Write Consistently

Writer’s block and lack of inspiration will be your greatest enemies on your final draft! Oftentimes, people lose steam once they see the finish line is ahead. Check out the tips in the above post to help keep you on task!

5. Learn How to Stop Editing: It Will NEVER be Perfect

You are your own worst critic. You will always find something to tweak every single time you comb through your own writing; hell, even published authors sometimes read their own books and think of ways they could’ve improved certain sentences or scenes! Understand that “Final Draft” does not mean “Devoid of Flaws.”

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your book is to know when you need to stop overworking it and send it out to the world. Writers who struggle with liking their writing can find this especially difficult, which is why it can be helpful to have beta readers or a writing buddy who can put their foot down and say: it’s done! You’re ready!

Hope this helped, and happy writing! I believe in you!

[eldrigeonsss]

How about I hit you with another fnc tidbit this fine morning. I’m in a rly fnc mood, and I am going to be for the next three or so weeks so prepare for the chaos :D

Gillion has attempted many times to bake those raspberry thumbprint cookies.

In all realness, the task should not be as hard as it was. Sure, the process of hunting down the recipe and figuring out what a raspberry was, was a bit of a journey, but the trouble truly came when the ingredients were laid out before him.

Gillion took pride in his ability to cook, it was something he could do to provide for the entire crew, and it made him feel useful. He would not say he had fun with it, but there was also a rhythm to cooking, that occasionally he would find himself in a pretty good mood. He’d justify those feelings with doing a good job, because god forbid Gillion be happy just to be happy.

Baking, on the other hand, eluded him. He didn’t get all the intricate little types of flours, or the different sugars, the fact that everything needed to be in an exact amount. Too much egg, and the cookies would be runny and not hold their shape. Too little, and they would be dry and brittle and burn incredibly fast. Too much sugar and they would burn immediately. Too much vanilla and the entire ship would smell like a baking demon had been unleashed onto the world.

Gillion had achieved just about every single one of those results. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to open up the raspberry jam that he had purchased, because the cookie part was so atrocious. It frustrated him, to no end. Felt like missing that target over and over again, but this time it mattered so much more to him than some silly training. This was Chip, and Gillion loved Chip. Even if Chip didn’t know that fact quite yet, Gillion would miss that target a million times in hopes of hitting it at least once.

Jay even stepped in to help once or twice, readjust the oven temperatures, help him properly separate yolks, sift flour. Every time those atrocious cookies messed up in one way or another, she’d pat his shoulder, and say “he’d like them. You know he would.”

And it was true, probably. Maybe Chip would like them, maybe he’d be ecstatic just to see that Gillion even tried, but he deserved so much better. He deserved perfect, and Gillion was anything but that. Chip deserved cookies that weren’t runny or misshapen. Chip deserved someone who wasn’t faulty like these cookies.

That jar of jam remained tucked into the pantry, for a very long time. That untouched finish line, so easy to open, yet so terrifying to approach.

He could wait, until the cookies were perfect for Chip. Because Gillion loved Chip, but he could not justify being loved back. Not when he couldn’t even bake.

[desired-misery]

Snippets from the many many Resident Evil wips I have been working on

...

The drips of iodine on the surgical cloth are dark as blood, but on his skin it is more of an ochre color. Layered over the green marks on his skin, it turns his guides black. Easiest step done— the first, which starts the whole process. He can still take a moment to breathe because he isn't bleeding, he hasn't opened up his own chest yet—

[Luis removing La Plaga, ~4k, about 70% done]

...

Why is Adam yanking him around like this if he’s not going to do the damn job himself? Why even bother talking to him if that’s all he is going to get?

When Adam doesn’t say anything, Leon tries again. “I thought, since you called—”

“Keep it professional, Kennedy,” Adam cuts him off, cold and firm.

Leon curbs his instinct to snap back, smoothing his anger out just enough to count as humor. He pushes because he always pushes, even though it pisses Adam off— especially because it does. "Jesus, did someone kill the Queen or something?"

"Or something," Adam repeats, drier than a rock. But Adam doesn’t scold Leon for his smart mouth, which means that whatever stick is up Adam’s ass isn’t Leon’s fault.

[RE4R "missing" scenes, focused on survival and all the bullshit Leon and Ashley (and probably Luis) survived, ~16k, about 10% done]

...

Leon’s sharpness is not limited to his humor. He tilts his head to catch Chris’s gaze again and touches Chris’s wrist next to his head. 

“Are you uncomfortable about complements and want me to stop, or are you just really shy?”

“I am not shy,” Chris protests, for his reputation’s sake. 

“Yes you are,” Leon says, catching the obvious lack of heat in Chris’s answer— and the implied permission to be allowed to continue. The glint in Leon’s eye that is more than just teasing. “You look like a greek god, Chris.”

When Chris’s flush turns into a burning across his face, Leon grins.

"Easily embarrassed, then.”

“Shut up.” Chris leans down to do it himself because he doubts Leon will. Leon laughs in his mouth.

“It’s cute!” Leon says in between kisses.

“I am not cute,” Chris pretends to gripe.

“No, you’re handsome as fuck,” Leon replies. His hand comes to the back of Chris’s head to take control. Chris doesn’t have the capacity to turn even redder because Leon’s tongue is in his mouth and there is nothing else worth thinking about.

[Chris meets Leon at an event, they hook up for a few days, ~10k, ???% done]

...

"Holy shit!" Nivans yelps over the line— and Chris thinks that Jill is going to be right, the kid is gonna freak—

until the large BOW falls, the side of its pelvis blowing out in time with the crack of Nivan's rifle.

"The hell is that?!" Nivans demands, still sounding horrified, but not blind with panic. "What is that?!"

"Bio-organic weapon— all good, they die if you shoot them, so just keep doing that." Jill says, steady and casual in her way that will hopefully keep Nivans focused. "Headshots are the best way to stop one, if you don't mind."

Nivans laughs a little, breathless. "God—"

The echoing crack of his rifle cuts him off. The downed thing's head explodes.

"Good work," Chris praises immediately, "You're doing great."

"That's awful!" Nivans says, but he keeps lining up his shots so Chris makes sure he and Jill stay clear of the alley they are funneling them down.

[How Chris (and Jill) cross paths with Piers and how he gets recruited to the BSAA, ~1.5k words, just a fragment of a fic]

...

Piers has to remember to call late enough that his mom doesn't worry about him losing sleep, still believing that he is in a completely different time zone. Lying to her leaves a bad taste in his mouth, but not bad enough that he wants to tell her what is really going on. He does tell her to hold off on sending any care packages under the guise that he believes he is going to be moved to a different base and doesn't want it getting lost in the logistics of trying to track him down while he is being transferred. She responds in less than an hour, email full of relief that he is doing okay and excitement that he'll be calling so soon. That makes him feel worse than shooting people ever did, and that night he spends over an hour trying to fall asleep, wondering if she will be able to tell if anything has changed about him.

[Piers before he gets recruited to the BSAA, stuck stateside when he should still be deployed, ~4k, ??? who knows how this will fit in? maybe with Chris's POV?]

[pineapplefulfillseveryneed]

Sparks tour 2023

Posting this close to a whole year after the fact, but a tour this good really takes time for me to process. My chest was constantly exploding with how much I loved it all and I have no idea how to put that into words. (I've fully come to understand why Sparks themselves stick with a lovely audience photo after every show accompanied by a massive "THANK YOU!".) However I do want to preserve my tour memories with more detail as well, so at a risk of terrible writing... here's part one of me attempting to write it all down. I went to 5 shows (Manchester, Royal Albert Hall x2, Utrecht and Brussels) and I'll be making posts for all of them. (...I am unreasonably excited to talk about the show in Brussels, but all in good time.) This first post will probably be the longest one as I will be including my first reactions to all the songs, and will equally talk about Mr. B's set in detail :) (Spoiler alert: he too was absolutely amazing and contributed considerably to how great everything was.)

Show #1: Bridgewater Hall, Manchester (may 27, 2023)

Things had not gone smoothly at all for me with the ticket sale for this show, but it worked out amazingly as the result was that @where-did-the-groove-go got to be my concert buddy which was such an honour! It was her first Sparks show and my first one of the tour and honestly, you can't do much better than to start of with a Manchester show. I had been worried about how far away our seats would be but it was a lot closer than photos of the venue had made it seem and we had an amazing view: we were in the centre of the middle of the first balcony, the seats were on a slight slope so no heads were blocking our view. Both of us had decided not to listen to the album before the show as it had only been out for a day. It was a tough decision to make, but it was absolutely the right one :D Okay, onto the show!!

Opening act: Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer

I was so excited to see Mr. B! I've known about him for years independently of Sparks and had missed out on seeing him with the Hippopotamus tour, so FINALLY I was seeing Mr. B! He came on in an amazing outfit and graced us with the opening lines of... Here Comes Bob?! I was losing my shit! We're not just being treated to Mr. B, but we're treated to Mr. B playing Sparks?! I am not normally one to enjoy Sparks covers, but I was having the time of my life! I love this guy! He then went on to play the Mr. B classic All Hail The Chap! (my sister would be jealous hehe), which I loved so much! The audience was a little slow to catch on, but eventually got there with doing their part which I was happy about. This was followed up by once again familiar notes... Amateur Hour?! MORE SPARKS?? Are you kidding me right now, what did we do to deserve this! IT WAS SO GOOD! After which it didn't end, because then he went on to play Get In The Swing (which is one of my favourite songs of all time - I was being very normal and chill about everything). It took me a moment to grasp the fact we were being treated a full-blown Sparks medley, because it didn't stop there and he just kept going with the Sparks songs. The medley lasted nearly 10 minutes and my mind was blown at many points. He included so many songs that I had only ever dreamed of hearing live. I was having THE BEST TIME. He ended the medley by loudly singing "ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS SEX!!!!". I was laughing so much, it really was the perfect medley. The next song was one of his own songs that I hadn't heard yet but it had me chuckling so much, a song called Looking Forward To Leaving that he thought might resonate with the Sparks sensibility and their fans. (All too right, sir, all too right.) He finished his set with a cover of Suburban Homeboy and I couldn't have been happier. THE Suburban Homeboy supreme covering that song, Mr.B you have all my love. Sparks had yet to hit the stage but this evening was already made. (@dinkydiamond had seen the show the night before and like a good friend who doesn't spread spoilers, had only told me that at many points she had thought about how much I was going to love it. I hadn't even thought about the fact that that statement would include Mr. B's set to such a degree!)

Mr. B's setlist

(You may enjoy listening to the medley first before knowing what songs were part of the medley, so proceed with caution. I've added asterisks to the titles of the songs within it that blew me out of my seat the most.)

Here Comes Bob

All Hail The Chap!

Medley: Amateur Hour, Get In The Swing*, Big Boy, Moustache, What Are All These Bands So Angry About?*, Strange Animal*, Mickey Mouse, I Predict, When I'm With You, Missionary Position*, All You Ever Think About Is Sex*

Looking Forward To Leaving

Suburban Homeboy

_____

The music played in the hall was SO TENSE AND DRAMATIC. You just got to love and respect Sparks for their music picks to play in the hall before the show, they really know how to set the scene and get the audience excited and anxious in equal amounts. (A few shows later we learned it was film music by Bernard Hermann, which really was such an amazing choice. I'll come back to this subject later on with a bit more info on the songs in my write-up of another show.)

The big event! ~Sparks!~

HOLY SHIT their entrance music was so exciting and beautiful!!!! Russell's outfit! GOD YEAH. It also immediately became clear this audience was going to be AMAZING, everyone was so ready to go! RON WAS WEARING JORDANS!!!! (A dream of mine to see one day!!!) To a lot of very loud cheering, Russell proceeded to do his famed "So.... Manchester, may we start?" to start things off. Still the perfect opener, and I never tire of when So May We Start kicks off and Russell does the jump. The audience response was amazing, which was really fun to see from the balcony! I was really enjoying the lights, which also were especially great to see from our balcony seats! (Also Russell gets an award for performer of the year for pretending to look at his imaginary watch while singing "it's time to start".)

I loved doing the ah-ah-ah's with the entire audience for The Girl Is Crying In Her Latte, and it was so cool to see it live! The lights were absolutely excellent. But a gif will say what I loved the most about the performance of that song a lot better than words ever could, so:

Russell was being really sweet about how playing Manchester is always really great and then added it was the "first time we play this ProPEr THeAtrE, but uh we'll try to make due anyway". (Footage of him saying this exists and it's extremely blessed.) He spoke about the new album and asked the audience which number it is. The audience incoherently shouted some things back, to which Russell's response was to roast us all by saying "Clearly you don't know."

Eaten By The Monster Of Love was a totally unexpected treat that blew my mind! It's quite possibly my favourite song from Angst In My Pants and I love the synth line so much! So lucky!!! I loved Russell's dancing during Angst In My Pants, I had really missed his dancing and with that song it's always especially excellent. Beaver O'Lindy blew my brains out! I'd not expected that at all! The lights were amazing (the spotlight for the accordion parts, the portraying of the letters, light flashing on Ron from all sides - I've got footage of this and somehow it looked especially good this night), shouting along to B-E-A-V-E-R, Russell's falsetto... What a perfect song, it's got it all :D "Yes I knooow - WOO!" When I'm With You was so special, it's so blessed that they chose to play it. It's how we all feel about them, and what's better than to sing it back at them while they're playing it for us :) It's also a song that highlights Russell's amazing voice especially well, his voice absolutely kills me and I wouldn't have it any other way. I also loved those swirly lights! And what we've gone on to affectionately refer to as "Russell's swim dance". Nothing Is As Good As They Say It Is is an absolute banger and it was my favourite of the 3 singles that had already been released before the album came out - I was so ready to go :D I loved Russell's moves for this song so much! Something that really stayed with me is that he actually spun around for "Take a look around and you'll understand". (Can I love him even more?)

The time arrived for the first new song from the album that me and @where-did-the-groove-go hadn't heard yet, which Russell introduced with these words: "This is another brand new song for any of you who feel like maybe you're not on the right course." *small pause* "It's a song that's called 'It Doesn't Have To Be That Way'." ...I was simultaneously having an out of body and in of body experience and already felt teary eyed, and the song hadn't even started yet. It hit me really hard, it was so beautiful and I am so grateful that this was how I first heard this song. "It doesn't have to be that way, OKAY". I was literally holding my heart throughout the whole song (which I was doing quite often during the show anyway but, I literally couldn't do anything else). Absolutely transfixed. "I'll pay for it, I'll pay for it". Thank you so much Sparks for having our backs <3 Genuinely one of the most beautiful experiences and songs ever. (We all spoke about it for many days, for weeks, even months after the show. And obviously I am still talking about it now. I've got my full essay on it elsewhere so you'll be spared of that here - I think you all understand what I mean anyway.)

BALLS hit me in the face like a brick! (Positive. SO VERY POSITIVE.) It's one of my current absolute favourite songs and I had been raving about Balls all the time for the last year or so! I would have never expected to hear it live, AND HERE WE WERE! I was completely losing my shit!!! It was intense, banging, and also beautiful. Also the lights during the instrumental bit?! The way the light filled the hall?!! R&R were both going at it with full energy, I couldn't love it more! Balls and shouting along to it with my fist in the air was one of the absolute biggest highlights of the show for me! (And there were so many highlights.) I am pretty sure there was at least one BALLS [insert fist emoji here] aimed in my direction which I am so grateful for! It was so cool! *synced up BALLS!* Hearing one of my favourite bits of lyrics live, "Do you want to wait, or crash the gate?", was just something else. Balls is one of THE inspirational songs of all time. At least to me. (After the show 3 friends seperately came up to me and shouted BALLS! at me before saying anything else and I love you all so much, you all really know me well [teary eyed smile emoji] That was really special to me. I've made some gifs of some of my Balls footage too, most of my footage of it is rightfully feral but some of it came out well: 1, 2.)

Shopping Mall Of Love remains such a win live, Ron is appropriately intense and cool (not that Ron is ever not cool - Ron is always cool) and I love the way he performs the song. Russell did some great dancing behind Ron too, and also walked around like a badass while singing his "Come, the shopping mall of love, come with me" parts. Award winning! Also THE CLAPS. Always, THE CLAPS. And Manchester audiences know how it's done [fire emoji] Toughest Girl In Town was yet another absolutely amazing and surprising setlist choice, so cool! What I especially liked was that I could see Sarah and Amanda losing their shit to it downstairs in the stalls, dancing so hard in their seats :D That really added to it - some big Toughest Girl In Town fans down there! (I am so proud of my friends.) Also.. THE TAMBOURINE!!! [heart emoji]

The next song that was new to us was Escalator, and I loved it SO MUCH!!! It had me immediately. The driving machine type of sound, the very clear and bright sounding synth sounds, Russell's escalator dance (!!!!! which he did a lot, btw, almost the entire song), the lights! This song just *feels* amazing, the lights going up and down - hell yeah. Russell's escalator dance really is everything to me. I was holding my heart the entire time. I live in this song now, this is now my new home. You can wake me up in the middle of the night for a live performance of Escalator. Any time. (To say it was an instant favourite is an understatement.)

We Go Dancing was similarly new to us, and sadly it felt like it went over most of the audience's head a bit because obviously very few people had heard the album so far and it's a hard one for catching the lyrics live. A very intense experience but also really cool, it's a super blessed thing to be able to hear songs live before hearing it elsewhere. After hearing it I was excited to find out later what the song would have been about.

*Ron plays piano motif* OH MY GOD BON VOYAGE?! YOU WHAT?!! Russell's vocals were literally everything and I loved all the arm swaying, it was such a sweet experience and another song that so clearly shows how awesome Manchester audiences are when it comes to Sparks. I loved this so much! Russell's moves for the "two of you, two of them" bit were absolutely *chef's kiss* too :D All of this was soon followed by me gasping yet again when the first notes of Music That You Can Dance To filled the hall! My literal reaction was OH MY GOD THEY KEPT IT!!!!! *proceeds to go nuts* One of The Live Songs Ever, a song I already loved before hearing it live, and possibly my favourite live song from the tour the year prior too. (I am pretty sure I screamed quite audibly and notably on the previous tour every time they played it, and I am happy to report I still feel exactly the same.) We all know this gets everyone out of their seats, and with this being Manchester it was especially amazing. It was so great to watch everyone equally going nuts from the balcony, party of all time! Russell's mic stopped working at some point though which was sad, but it only lead to him clapping and dancing harder. So mic be damned, it was possibly even more fun and special because of it.

You know there's little point in sitting down after Music That You Can Dance To (and I don't really want to sit down after that to begin with, if at all, but I am a bit self-conscious about dancing in the balcony), so we leaned on our seats for a second while the opening notes of When Do I Get To Sing My Way were played. It obviously *really* took off again rather quickly :D Unfortunately the mic problem came back but this time it was rapidly solved and Russell got to sing almost the whole song anyway, and I can not overstate how great it was to watch this whole audience dancing.

The party continued with The Number One Song In Heaven which obviously always wins, and of course included Ron's dance - HELL YEAH. However towards the end of the song Russell's microphone stopped working YET AGAIN. He was handed another microphone, which was equally not doing anything, and so he yeeted the mic. (all too right honestly, how many broken mics are you going to hand him?! That was not ok.) Of course this really sucked, especially for Russell, but this man's a true professional and made all of this extra fun for everyone: he went at it extra hard with the clapping and dancing and no one in the audience was going to let this ruin anything either. Russell gestured for the audience to sing the lines and we *really* did our best. ([salute emoji] On it boss!) It ended up being extra special because of it and we all still had the absolute best time. But of course at the same time it was rightfully upsetting. Once Russell had a mic that worked again he expressed his disappointment in not being able to sing the end of the song, which is one of his favourite parts. (Oof tech team, bad job.)

The show went on and Ron did a false start for This Town Ain't Big Enough For Both Of Us which is always a great time, people go nuts and then the song doesn't start hahaha. This audience was so phenomenal, it was the best time. And such a party when the song did properly start! Obviously there was a really large applause after that :) Which seemed to only stop because they started playing Gee, That Was Fun. It was so beautiful and touching. And really sad because indeed, noo, we don't want this to end! The standing ovation afterwards was massive and so very love filled. From my perspective even the bouncers seemed in awe with the audience. This audience could switch from going nuts to completely silent to a loving standing ovation in an instant, depending on what was happening on stage. It really was one of the best audiences I've been part of, I loved it so much! ^^ Ron and Russell very sweetly waved before leaving the stage :)

~Encore!~

They came back to a lot of cheering to which Russell said "Thank you - THE PARTY IS NOT OVER!" and we all cheered yet again, as A Love Story started. Another new song! WOOOOHH THIS WAS HITTING HARD! I loved it so much! And the lights with the massive X's were so cool! Absolutely a highlight! When My Baby's Taking Me Home started me and @where-did-the-groove-go yelled out in unison which is still so funny to me and also, all too right, all too right!!! It doesn't matter if you've seen it live a couple of times or if it's your first time - it HITS. The audience was once again utterly amazing, really heightening the experience. (ALSO, the rainbow lights that fades to white!)

During the band introduction Ron was still clapping for the other band members when Russell went "oh yeah..." and went to stand beside Ron and did a cheesy grin, "the guy who writes much of what you've heard this evening and what you've heard on albums 1 to 26", *Ron does a Ron-cringe*, "my big brother, Ron Mael." This started a RON RON RON chant which made me so happy :D When it seemed to die down just a tiny bit, Russell interrupted and said "He says thank you." asdjhds, sir XD He also added that Manchester shows are always amazing but "this one tops them all". [insert teary eyed smile emoji] (True though, it really was one of the best shows I've been to, if not the best one!) After that, All That was such a smiley lovely performance and I did quite a bit of internal screaming with how lovely exactly it all was and had been. (When I watch footage back I can't help but say "aww" out loud quite a few times. It really was so sweet.)

Something I hadn't realised as it happened but learned about later was that they were so happy with their bow - which was so fun. I had avoided spoilers of course but I learned that there was a bit of bowing-chaos in Oxford. So in Manchester there was a 'Wahey, we nailed the bow!!' moment after bowing XD (I made a post about that, it's too good.)

MASSIVE STANDING OVATION. Russell forced the microphone on Ron, saying "Here! He hasn't spoken on the tour so it's only cos it's Manchester", as he proceeds to evily walk away. This moment was so funny to me because Russell clearly knew very well what he was doing and Ron was just standing there smiling looking at this happening, with no chance of handing the mic back. His speech was wonderful and really sweet, starting off with saying that the citizens of other cities were going to hate him for this XD The audience was so silent while he spoke and didn't start cheering until he had actually finished speaking which was real nice. Russell wanted to grab the mic back after that but Ron didn't want to let it go yet, which was another moment I really enjoyed witnessing. Ron introduced Russell as the vocalist of the band, which had Russell standing there smiling really wide, after which Russell quickly grabbed the mic back. (I love them so much hahaha.) Russell asked to take a photo with "all of you fine people" (I am normal about this) and happily bounced after the photo was taken. The applause got going again and it was just the best. Russell blew kisses to people and the amount of love in the hall was just so damn high.

It felt like they didn't want to have to leave that stage and obviously we didn't want them to leave either. Everyone was just so happy to be there. What a show. What an audience. It really was the sweetest :)

Sparks setlist

So May We Start?

The Girl Is Crying In Her Latte

Eaten By The Monster Of Love

Angst In My Pants

Beaver O'Lindy

When I'm With You

Nothing Is As Good As They Say It Is

It Doesn't Have To Be That Way

Balls

Shopping Mall Of Love

The Toughest Girl In Town

Escalator

We Go Dancing

Bon Voyage

Music That You Can Dance To

When Do I Get To Sing 'My Way'

The Number One Song In Heaven (featuring Ron's dance)

This Town Ain't Big Enough For Both Of Us

Gee, That Was Fun

A Love Story

My Baby's Taking Me Home

All That

(I did not make it into the photo as I am behind Ron's head, but @where-did-the-groove-go and some other friends did make it in ^_^)

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~ Bonus: post show shenanigans ~

After the show we were hanging out with a little group of us in the entrance hall of the venue, quite a lot of our tumblr people and even some of our friends from Japan were present which was so cool! It was so very nice to see everyone, whether it was seeing again or for the first time! I went to say hello to Mr. B who was manning his own merch table to let him know how much I'd loved his set, and that covering Sparks isn't easy to do in my opinion but that he truly nailed it. He said he had been nervous about it and only had had 2 weeks to prepare. (Sir that's incredible!) He was really lovely. He said he hoped to see me again and I gave him the cringiest: "Oh, you WILL!" (With fingerguns.) (...I really am like this.)

Our little group decided to check out the artists entrance, but there were so many people there and so when Ron and Russell actually *did* come out me and another friend both instinctively hid behind a wall. (Normal behaviour. ...but we just really don't want to crowd them.) There was another round of applause, which was really lovely. I was very busy hiding behind that wall though so I am not the most reliable person to say what happened next, but Ron and Russell kept their distance and stayed for a little bit to wave and smile at people which was really lovely. When they entered their car to leave, the fans instantly parted like the sea to clear the road for the car and I love that our fandom is like that :) We all waved as they passed by, and then ...the car had to immediately stop in front of a red traffic light 5 metres away. I absolutely lost it, you just can't make this up XD (We left immediately.) It was so hard for our group to then have to split up after such a lovely evening, but attempts to sleep needed to be made and there was the journey to London the next day. (Not that we slept much at all, there was a lot to discuss and think about.) Luckily a lot of us would be going on to London so at least we'd all be seeing each other again soon :)

[mybelovednick]

Crimson and Clover, Honey (Chapter 2)

Main Page

Previously

Nick Sturniolo x Male!character

Summary: Nick Sturniolo is a Bookstore owner in a small town in Northern Italy. Vayu Arora is an elementary school teacher who is a frequent customer at Nick's Store. Both of them meet and they are suppose to fall in love like faith intended. But what happens when one of them is unable to let go of their past selves?

Nick x male!character Angst Fluff/comfort Hurt/comfort

TW: Too corny ig, smoking (don't do it kids. it is not cool)

******

2

“I have no news. I live quietly, I love you and I wait.”

This quote has always been a mystery to me. I wouldn’t remember where I first read it, or from whom I had heard it. But it stuck with me, forever. Yearning makes a person susceptible to the madness of love. If you yearn for something or someone, the line between love and obsession becomes blurry.

It was a lovely Friday evening. The breeze was just right as the clouds swiftly danced across the violet sky. The sun was about to set but the moon was already up. Tara invited us to her family restaurant to celebrate her grandpa’s seventy-second birthday.

Nate rode my red Vespa, with me on the back while holding onto his waist for dear life; because to him, my vehicle was a race car and the world was a Drag race. We reached Tara’s restaurant an hour late, regardless of the death race.

“You bitches were supposed to be here half an hour prior to the party and you reached in hour late. Explain, now” Tara was fuming.

“Yell at Vayu, if he had dressed up a little quicker we would be here so much earlier.”

“What? You were the one throwing a tantrum like fucking baby after seeing me wear the same coral shirt that you are wearing now! Of course I had to change into a boring black one.” I tried to defend myself.

“Not my fault I look better in coral.”

“Nathan I swear to God-“

“Okay fine, Jesus!” Tara yelled at us again. (We deserved it), “Let’s go inside and hurry up, Grandpa is waiting for you guys.”

“Awe I missed you Jeremy.” Nate cooed from behind as we entered the room and everyone cheered.

The restaurant was not a very fancy one. But it did feel like home. I’ve always loved Tara and her grandparents, Jeremy and Lizzy. Frank Sinatra was playing in the background because Jeremy loved Sinatra, “Play his songs in my funeral” he’d say every time.

Tara, Nathan and I were the only ones who were not above the age of fifty-five. We all wished Jeremy ‘Happy Birthday’ and Lizzy kissed him, to which all of us cheered like monkeys in a zoo. I loved watching people smile. I loved watching people enjoy their time. Tara was in charge of the food and overall party. I was on tea duty, i.e. ensuring that every single person had their tea cups filled up to the brim. It wasn’t a difficult task considering there were barely over twenty people in the party. Yes, tea in Italy is a bizarre concept but apparently Lizzy can’t stand the smell of coffee and ever since she visited Darjeeling with her husband, she has been addicted to this beverage.

Nathan? Well he was busy impressing Lizzy’s friends. Those sixty-year old ladies loved him for some reason. “Oh you look ravishing today, Demi. And you too! Rebecca, that hair is flawless, Jim is a lucky guy.”  Who am I kidding? Everyone loved Nate.

I was simply observing them, holding the warm tea kettle close to my chest; almost zoning out in the process.

Perhaps this is what love is after all; watching people you love fall in love with other people you love.

Being in love on the other hand, will always be strange, no matter how many times you’ve experienced it in your life. It is like falling in love with the moon. It looks beautiful from afar and even more tempting in theory. But no matter how many songs or poems you write about it, it will remain absurd in practicality to be in love with the moon. And you feel like the ocean, reflecting the image of your beloved moon in your turbulent waves just to get a glimpse of it. Even during the most intense storms in your life, you strive to keep your water as still as possible to catch your beloved in the reflection. It is the madness, and obsession that we humans love to bask in. This madness is love; and this love is strange.

“Yoohoo! Vayu! Tea boy, fill this up please.” Lizzy called for me raising her cup. I quickly nodded and rushed towards her. But as I was about to pour her up, she held me by my wrist and sat me down beside her. She was one strong woman for someone claiming to be suffering from arthritis.

“So, who’s the boy?” Lizzy asked in a sing-song tone.

“What? Tara told you?” I panicked.

“Oh dear, no. I just noticed that you seemed pretty distracted there and you have a glow to your face.” Lizzy said and I had to smile, how could I not? “See? You are so giggly and smiley like that. You should smile more often, you look even more handsome.” Lizzy winked.

“Well, I’d have to be a psychopath to be able to resist smiling when you say stuff like that.” I knew my face lit up like a Christmas tree at that point.

“Well, I mean it baby boy.” She held my hand carefully, “Now tell me about this man.”

I raised my eyebrow when she scooted herself closer to pay attention. She was determined to get me married to a nice man because…Honestly? I don’t know.

“Well he works at the bookstore. The one near the Marylyn street.”

“Oh I go there sometimes, I think. Is it the Libreria del Sentiero ?”

“Yes! That’s the one! Wait, do you know the guy who works there?”

“I think I have met that gentleman quite often. He comes here to get a cup of black coffee and abrownie. He is such a sweet man, and he sure does love my brownies.”

“No one could ever not like your brownies, Lizzy.” I smiled at her and she smiled back, “So, uhm… is he here often?”

I could feel her grin growing on her face. “Yes, Nick does come here on Wednesdays and Fridays.”

Nick.

Short for Nicolas, maybe. It does suit him. I remembered thinking that immediately.

Just then Lizzy’s eyes lit up. “Oh goodness, Look at that! He is standing right there, near his motorbike just along the parking. This is a sign! Vayu. Go now!” She was practically jumping in her seat while shoving my shoulders to push me out of the chair.

“But the party-“

“Fuck this party.”

Goddamn, this old lady was not playing.

She touched my cheek and kissed it quickly, “Look, V. You deserve to be happy, it is not a crime. Stop being so kind to the world and so harsh to yourself. Love doesn’t show up at your doorstep, you know? You need to chase it. Even if it doesn’t work out, you don’t get stuck in a world of what ifs. Nick is a good man. He is worth taking a chance.”

I hugged her and bid her goodbye. “Thank you.” I whispered mostly to myself. I made an excuse to get out of the party and pushed the door open.

He was standing a few meters away. I felt like I was in a romcom movie. Maybe it was because of the stars in the sky or the warm fairy lights right outside the restaurant window. Or it could be because I was willing to take a chance again.

Nick was wearing a bright red vest and a black leather jacket with black jeans. His shades were tucked on top of his messy blonde hair. And he had a pack of Marlboro in his hand. I walked towards him, still unsure of my footsteps.

God, he is beautiful.

“Need some help with the lighter?” I tried to be casual.

“Yeah, sure.”

He was so nonchalant that it was almost infuriating. He handed me his green lighter and I helped him light up his cigarette.

I watched him take a deep drag out of that cigarette. He closed his eyes and let out the smoke through his mouth and nose. He was leaning against his bike with his arms crossed. He watched the cigarette getting eaten up by the reddish-orange flame, firmly placed between his fingers.

Nick quickly bit into his own cigarette lightly with his lips and held the pack of Marlboro towards me while raising his eyebrows, gesturing if I needed one too.

“I am good, thank you.” I instantly replied.

He rolled his eyes.

Cocky bastard.

A few moments passed. It was really awkward too. I felt like pushing myself off a cliff. But I noticed a few things; he was just a few centimetres shorter than I was. However, nobody could deny that he was built. I actually felt like a twig beside him.

“Vayu, right?”

I thought I was going to combust with joy. “You remember me?”

“Of course I do. Who else would buy one of Shakespeare’s best classics with a fucking Porn magazine?”

If it were someone else, I would have knocked their teeth out (breaking my knuckles in the process.). But I saw a beautiful smile starting form in his face. He was really proud of what he said.

And I was glad I met him once again.

"You should smile more often." I blurted out. Nick looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. But soon his expressions relaxed a bit.

"Then make me." he said

*******

Next Chapter

A/N: I promise there will be more nick in the upcoming chapters

p.S. I love Lizzy

Tag: @ohmtoff @freshloveforthefit @miloisdone1 @nicksfavhoe @heyitsmemia @neo404 @matty-bear2 @thenickgirl @loud-sturniolos @maria4mari @solarsturniolo @darl1ngdr1sta @tkhzs @soursturniolo @certifiednatelover

[chairteeth]

“Nemu Hiiragi: The Shadow”

The promised Magius Nemu essay arrives. I have given up on proper essay formatting and will simply leave my analyses in semi-rant form because my brain is too chaotic and goes on too many tangents. It cannot be tamed. Informal essay under the cut!

So. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has heard others refer to Nemu as a shadow, Touka 2.0, or some other frankly reductive term. Most of the time, unless her creations come up, she’s not discussed at all, and even then… barely. That’s not exactly surprising. Given Nemu’s normally calm demeanor, and the fact that she and Touka are joined at the hip, it’s only natural that Touka would be the one to get the most attention, the one who stands out. Where Touka is the boisterous sun, Nemu is the humble moon. Today, we turn our eyes to the moon.

There is so much to talk about when it comes to Magius Nemu and pretty much all of it is going to make you really sad. Much like Touka and all other magical girls, she led a double life the entire time, but in her case, when she “traded one terminal illness for another” she got the short end of the stick. Imagine being a writer and discovering that your magic allows you to give physical form to your stories, to breathe life into your creations—literally. Now picture finding out later down the line that each time you use it, it consumes so much magic that it shaves off pieces of your very life force. That’s one slap in the face. But, it gets worse.

Let me lay out everything we know about how Magius Nemu’s sacrifices affected her physically, and how each of the people around her responded to her worsening condition. First, we know it causes pain severe enough to temporarily affect her vision and speech, and severe enough to make her fall to the ground, though she doesn’t always faint from it. We know it inflicts exhaustion and that even something like releasing an uwasa for the first time can make her pass out on the spot, so presumably it’s a lengthy process that takes a toll on her at every stage (well not sure about conceptualization, but creation and release definitely do). A voiced example of one of these episodes is in Arc 1 Chapter 8, 4:02:36 - 4:03:43 if you're watching the video.

Now, as for the people around Nemu, starting from more distant to closest. Her family? Oblivious, responsible for her state of emotional deprivation and for several other issues. Alina? Ehh she seems to either not care or care very little, which is properly Alina-esque of her. Mifuyu? Oh let me talk about MIFUYU for a second. Disclaimer, despite her many sins committed against my favorite characters, I do love the sheep, she’s too much of a failure, I cannot hate her. But Mifuyu “I want to be a nurse” Azusa is insensitive beyond belief, and I was honestly surprised when they appointed her to be some sort of… ethics teacher for Touka? Bruh. You see, an MGS is supposed to put us in the shoes of whatever character it’s about. That’s what it does. However my brain is broken and perceives the world from a TouNemu perspective by default. Which means I had a completely different reading of Mifuyu’s MGS. I am going to illustrate my point with screenshots this time because I happen to have them on hand.

Mifuyu says this about Touka and Nemu getting worked up over Alina wanting to prioritize witches above rumors. But. Here’s the thing. The thing that Mifuyu seems to be missing completely. Rumors are created by Nemu, through a sacrifice of her own life force that worsens her pain and makes her suffer more with each subsequent use. Evidently, the girls reply that no, they don’t think they were getting too emotional.

YOU THINK? Have you given any thought to why that could possibly be the case, Mifuyu? But, okay, fine, we can look past this. Alright. Next scene, it’s Touka and Nemu being upset that Yachiyo just destroyed the Divorce Stairs (I call them that, but for clarification, it’s the Friendship-Ending Staircase). I’m going to bring something up that I don’t believe is exactly contradicted by canon, though not confirmed either, but I’d be willing to believe by the fact that Nemu knows of Iroha (by name and I assume appearance) that there’s a psychic link of some kind between the uwasa and their creator. That would make sense, considering they are made of her magic and have pieces of her life force. If this is true, then that massacre Iroha and Yachiyo go on during Arc 1 Chapter 7 is far, far worse.

But alright, back to the scene. Touka is standing up for Nemu here, and Mifuyu proceeds to go and dismiss their feelings because, as she says in her thoughts, “they’re just children”. Okay, Mifuyu, hear me out. They’re 11-12. They’re not toddlers. Just because they’re children doesn’t make their emotions invalid, unimportant, or not worth considering. Particularly in this case, where they have a good reason to be upset. Nemu even mentions the life force she’s using up and Mifuyu’s first and only thought is “Yacchan…” (this is a repeating pattern).

The next relevant scene is one where Mifuyu does something Alina has also done and Touka hasn't: ask Nemu to make a rumor for her.

Nemu reminds her that it comes at a cost, and that she’s using up her life for this. Nemu gives in, of course. I will talk about this imminently. First though, the final scene of Mifuyu’s MGS. Where Mifuyu repeats the previous pattern but worse. How exactly is it worse? I’ll let the screenshots speak for themselves here. Nemu and Mifuyu meet at the shrine where the uwasa is going to be released, Nemu does the deed, and faints, then Mifuyu reacts like this:

These screenshots are less than a second apart. It is the immediate follow-up. Absolutely zero concern for one of the people she’s supposed to be responsible for who just did her a pretty big favor (as if you needed someone’s blood to open a door, they stabbed themselves to get you the blood, and then you left them on the ground in pain). So yes Mifuyu is insensitive and she is not helping Nemu’s view of adults. Relatedly, before I move to talking about Touka, since I’d like to actually end this on a non-depressing note, I’m going to circle back a little to Nemu’s family.

I am infamous for not liking Nemu’s family. Her parents, mainly. Her brother, for as much of a snotty brat as he is to her, is presumably still very tiny and has had scarce interactions with his sister, therefore leading to the way Nemu describes their relationship (“strangers”). As a slight aside, Nemu does try very hard to have a relationship with her brother, not only in her MGS, but in her solo Christmas quotes where she’s lost on what to get as a gift for a kid that likes soccer and asks Homescreen-chan for advice. And you see, Nemu has this thing where once you get past a certain point with her, she becomes a people pleaser. Unlike when Ui’s parents have visited before (seen in TouNemu’s Christmas MGS), Nemu was shocked to hear that her mother and brother had come to see her. This leads me to believe the visits are an extremely rare occurrence and that there is no other contact besides them. Ui’s parents at least video call her, from what the quotes say.

And now we have reached the point where it’s unavoidable and I have to talk about Nemu’s emotional trauma. Her family does not seem to know about her writing, which was a good call because it shielded her from much of the gifted kid trauma. However, that doesn’t mean her parents’ actions (or lack thereof) were without consequence. A lot of these might be subconscious, so bear with me a second. At this point in the timeline, Nemu struggles to believe that others will meet her needs or care for her. She seeks affirmation, acceptance, approval, and fortunately seems to get it in the form of her website and Touka during this era.

Let me give you some examples of Nemu’s people-pleasing tendencies, as any kid would learn that catering to the needs and desires of others can sometimes lead to a sense of belonging or validation—she explicitly wants that, she is aware that she wants to feel loved. This is immensely obvious with her family’s visits, where her first reaction isn’t good but then she plays along and puts up a happier face (which drops literally as soon as her mother and brother are out of the room), even apologizing for the slightest inconvenience regardless of whether or not the reaction to that inconvenience was bad (the book that was hard to find, the general Presence™ of her family in the room, apologizes again for talking about her feelings, etc). So that she doesn’t have to burden them with her feelings. So that her mother can feel like she’s fulfilled her duty by walking into the room, giving Nemu a rundown of what the family has been up to, and leaving without really actually spending any real quality time with her or bothering to really ask about her. Touka gets (righteously) angry in Nemu’s stead once her mother and brother have left precisely because of this. Nemu proceeds to, like many children in her position, defend her parents completely and then chastise herself for “looking down on them”. Touka and Ui both understand at least the heart of the issues at play here, and express as much. My point here isn’t exactly “Nemu’s parents are equivalent to Sana’s” or anything, it’s more that they’re extremely oblivious and their actions (and lack thereof) have hurt Nemu deeply.

That habit Nemu’s parents have of never truly showing interest in their daughter’s life seems to remain after the hospital, and then they’re focused on her brother’s comfort. Not Nemu’s. Never Nemu’s. Then, later on, in the Wings of the Magius, every time someone asks her to make a rumor (read: sacrifice a piece of her life force and make herself feel physically worse presumably forever), she agrees. Mifuyu asks her to, yeah sure. Alina wants a rumor? Of course. I won’t count when everyone asked her for stuff to add to Fendt Hope solely because I’m not sure Fendt Hope works like normal rumors do. Something, something, difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, struggling to distinguish her own needs from the needs of others…

A child who learned that her voice and desires were not prioritized in such critical stages of her life naturally struggles to articulate her own needs and wants. Prime example, Fendt Hope’s creation. She listens to the others give their ideas for it, never suggesting anything herself after reminding them of her usefulness. Until. Touka asks. When she does, Nemu seems almost taken aback. She apologizes. Nothing comes to mind. That very same day, she gets home, tries again to have some sort of positive interaction or time with her brother, gets rejected. As soon as an alternative form of service (doing the dishes for her exhausted mother so that she may help her brother with homework) presents itself, she practically jumps at the opportunity. The scene after that one, with the way she views Touka, Alina, and Mifuyu, vs the way she views her mother and brother, only makes this more obvious. How is Nemu supposed to feel any sense of value at home? At least as a magical girl, she’s useful. At least as a Magius, she has people who know her. The feelings of low self-worth aren’t as obvious on Nemu as they are on many of the other girls who have them, though.

The next time there’s a Magius meeting, this time to decide on a name for their base, Touka is again the one who asks Nemu for her opinion. It’s important to note that Touka is never once hostile, aggressive, or even annoyed when she does this. She considers Nemu’s thoughts and feelings more than anyone. Heck, Nemu would have no way to doubt Touka’s care for her considering their history and the way she acts.

Now I get to talk about the relationship between Magius Nemu and Magius Touka. If I start gushing incoherently, I apologize in advance. I covered a bit of Magius Touka’s attitude towards Nemu in the essay dedicated to her, and slightly in this one, but now I want to draw attention to how incredibly sweet Touka can be when it comes to Nemu. Nemu desperately needs that reliability and that love Touka provides, the hope she brings. And Touka is the one person who openly shows her care, attention. Over and over again.

Touka considers Nemu an equal. During the main story, as I said in my Magius Touka essay, she shows concern for Nemu’s health and wellbeing when no one else does. This goes beyond her magic-given affliction! I only wish we had more bits and pieces from that era, but as for what we do have… Well, I have to point at Nemu’s swimsuit costume story for the easiest and shortest point of reference. I’d use screenshots, but if I did, I would just end up showing you every single piece of dialogue and expression.

In that costume story, Touka and Nemu are at Fendt Hope, talking about their future trip to the beach (which they made plans for together in Touka’s swimsuit costume story). Nemu has her insecurities, and she’s shy about putting on the swimsuit, but then Touka proceeds to be incredibly supportive by first making her feel comfortable—for some reason she also had her own swimsuit lying around and offered to wear it too because Nemu mentioned it’d be embarrassing if she was the only one wearing a swimsuit and Touka was wearing clothes—then as soon as Nemu expresses self-doubt, she doubles down via genuine compliments (these two compliment each other way more than you think, even in main story Touka praises Nemu for her ideas). This is also a rare occasion where we’re shown that Nemu’s parents, or her mom at least, who seems more present than her dad, mean no harm, since it was Nemu’s mother who helped pick out every element of her swimsuit. After that, Touka goes off to change back into her school uniform, and Nemu is “uncharacteristically giddy” (as she states) looking at herself in the mirror. Touka gets back, and Nemu is startled to have been caught in a vulnerable state, but, critically, Touka is happy to see her happy and doesn’t tease her, although Nemu (jokingly, blushing) laments that letting Touka read her heart is the greatest failure of her life. Nemu asks Touka to listen. And Touka complies. Nemu trusts Touka with her heart, with her honest feelings, and knows Touka will never hurt her. That’s why she’s able to be so sincere with her. This is shown in Nemu’s Tap 8 quote, where she also refers to Touka as trustworthy (Touka has a matching Tap 8 quote, and hers is about how reliable Nemu is for her). This relationship, no matter what it is, is deeply important to both participants.

Finally, to end this glorified rant… I know I used the sun and moon metaphor earlier, but. I would like to borrow the words of Nemu in one of my fics: “It’s silent at night. Touka stays up with her telescope, I stay up reading nearby. We are stardust brought to life. A quiet place, just for us. The gentlest fire in us, like binary stars.” (I’m sorry but the binary stars comparison is too good not to mention). Their connection was there before the Magius, and after everything they went through, their lives became irreversibly bound, intertwined beyond the understanding of quite literally anyone else. They practically always speak in plural, the time they spend together has been on the rise, and at the time of writing? To avoid spoiling Arc 2 Chapter 12, I won’t go into specifics, but the relationship has reached a beautiful point that I will froth at the mouth about eventually.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed the Nemu essay, I went slightly more feral this time so apologies for that. I’ll see how soon the hospital era essay can be thrown into the wild. Nishi out!