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itsthehcgforme · 2 years

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resentment energy, the power of anger, reworks and solid food.

good morning y’all! and when I say y’all I mean all. The practice of getting up and writing has always been a healing thing for me. I’m happy to be back at it. Leaving myself encouragement, love letters, reminders, lessons. Whew. The last few days I’ve been sitting in real contemplation of resentment. and forgiveness. If you want a tldr; have it be this: God forgives. I don’t. Although I know PMS has been a contributor, and the fact that I’ve still been struggling with solid foods, I know that I’ve been DEEP in some anger y’all. But the thing is, I’ve been choosing to reason with my anger. It’s only fair. I’m trying to create a separation between malicious intent and everything outside of it. Deciding which one warrants anger, and which ones warrant empathy, understanding, apathy even. For me, the thing has always been is I’m hurt, I’m hurt. No reason, reasoning, excuse, or lack of intention can negate that. If I shoot you with a gun, it doesn’t matter if it was an accident or not. There’s still a bullet that’s punctured your body. How does this differ with action? Being irresponsible with the hearts, feelings of others? Growing up, I wasn’t engraved with lessons of the sacrament of forgiveness, although it was taught in school, and I’d seen sitcoms on the topic, it was genuinely a concept I never understood. It’s not to say that I’ve never extended my heart into forgiveness. That I have. With my family, my best friend, lovers, partners. But the thing is, it’s never gotten me anywhere. It’s never whole heartedly bettered a situation. When I forgive, I tell you it’s okay. I acknowledge xyz, but it’s okay. What good does that really do? When we forgive, whether verbatim or not, we tell, and reinforce that bad actions, ill intent, harm will be met with the reward of softness, gentleness, warm embrace. The thing about forgiveness is that it’s fertile soil. It’s a place where anything can grow. On rare occasion, change. Consistently, in my experience, it’s only been a breeding ground for bad behaviour, with promise that ill intent will return again. and again. It’ll get to a point where harm equals reward. Where is the redirection in that? Where is the correction in that? Where is the humanity in that? Over the years of growing up, I’ve noticed reasoning for forgiveness has changed as well. It’s shifted from a “well you never know what another is going through, so forgive them” to the polar opposite of “holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. forgive them and help yourself”. So, to me, I think that people don’t really understand why they forgive, anyway. Is it because looking at conflict directly is too uncomfortable and difficult? That we’d rather just skip back to when things weren’t so tense? Or is it because we want to make excuses for people who don’t know, or don’t do better? For me, sitting in resentment energy, in anger, has been one of the most fortifying forces in my life. It’s kept me grounded in reality. It’s kept me alert. It’s kept me righteous. When I’m angry, it reminds me that something isn’t right. The discomfort of anger forces me to acknowledge that a change needs to be made. Now that I’m older, I see that those changes all start with me. My needs can’t be met? I can forgive you, sure. But I know my heart. I know the soil. Anger is the reminder that my needs weren’t met, and from here, what needs to be done is for me to remove myself from xyz, in order go have my needs met. Sitting in the shit and crying about it doesn’t bring roses. Getting up out of the shit, washing myself off, going elsewhere and planting rose flower seeds will. Anger is and has always been the energy I pull from to find the will to go on. It reinforces my own limits and boundaries. It tells me that I am worthy. It tells me when my surroundings and experiences don’t reflect that reality. Sitting in anger is my power. Sitting in anger is my saviour. Sitting in anger is my armour. Sitting in anger is where I find and re-find my light. Of course, honing anger comes with responsibility. When anger moves through my body, I hold responsibility so great. There have been times where I’ve lost control of it. Where I’ve let my entitlement to “more” become the thing that makes me harmful. It isn’t a thin line. That’s a reality that I’ve had to sit in. There’s so much power in walking away. There isn’t much power is lashing out. There is infinite power in finding people and experiences that mirror your worth. There isn’t much power in blowing fire at anyone who can’t. With that being said, I solemnly promise myself that moving forward, I want to be as intentional as I can with my anger. In the name of self preservation, I want to hone fire, not breathe it LOL. I love myself enough to see things as they are, that includes myself. It’s my honour, and my duty, to myself now. I wonder where this new route will take me..

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nightswithkookmin · 3 years

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A quick lesson on ships

Because why not??😌

No but seriously, bare with me, I'm trying to answer your questions. Sit if you have to. Hehe

Uban Dictionary defines shipping as this:

A term used to describe fan fictions that take previously created characters and put them as a pair. It usually refers to romantic relationships, but it can refer platonic [sic] ones as well. (Just think of “shipping” as short for “relationSHIP”.) 9 Apr 2015

Ships can be platonic or romantic or both.

There's fictional ships and non fictional ships too. You ship two people you want to be in a relationship or who already are in a relationship or who you suspect to be in a relationship- perhaps due to queer baiting, ship baiting, romance baiting etc.

In the shipping fandom, there are two sects of people. Those who are Proships those who are Antiships- antis are ironically considered part of the shipping community because for some reason they are always in shippers business💀

Antishippers are those who oppose a particular ship or shipping in general (more on that later.)

Proshippers are well- Pro ships.

Pro-Ship

A term mostly used in fandoms, but can stretch outside of this to include original characters. The core belief is that shipping two fictional characters, no matter if they are family, share ages gaps, considered to be unhealthy, or show blatant signs of being abusive or other generally unsavory behaviours, are valid in a fictional setting.

Pro-Shippers or "anti-antis" are also known as "rainbow meaties" and will use 🌈 + 🍖 emojis together often in their bio on twitter or other social media platforms- usually within fictional settings.

These shippers reinforce the idea fiction is separate from reality and shouldn't be confused with the other.

‘Anti’ is short for ‘anti-shipper’ or ‘anti-[ship]’.

Kindly read through this thread to get the gist of it.

III

Shipping non-fictional individuals is a subset of Proshipping, in my opinion, known also as alternative shipping- as far as my knowledge on it goes.

As with fictional shipping, alt ships have their antis too. People who disagree with shipping real couples in a romantic way for whatever arbitrary moral reasons they have and who feel entitled to go out of their way to correct, stop, police and punish such shippers.

Then there are those who although may be pro real people shipping think they have the right to tell others how they should ship and to what extent they can ship.

Others too prefer to ship real people platonically because they view romantic shipping of real people as problematic.

So to answer your question on Anon's post- there is no such thing as a Proshipper who is also Anti shipping. Thats oxymoronic. Perhaps they might be platonic shippers who are anti romantic ships but not necessarily romantic shippers themselves.

I don't think there's anything wrong with preferring to ship platonically. It is when they assume by virtue of their false sense of moderacy that they are better than others that shit starts to get funny.

Those shippers are delusionally confused beings with a supremacist imperialist complex rooted in ignorance and absurdities.

I usually walk by those quietly. keep it pushing. Gotta mind my business somehow even though most times I just want to pull their hair and bite them and shit😭

I try to keep it classy.

Lord knows I try.

You are either pro ship or anti ship. There's no in between. Those shippers who are shippers but claim they are not are nothing but fraudulent, fake us, simps trying to bamboozle their way through life- pardon my Swahili.

There are a lot of anti shippers moonlighting as shippers in this fandom. It's fascinating.

Personally I think those people are either confused or their desires to appeal to other Anti shippers must have morphed their brains into ass dick hybrids.

Anti shippers in general are notorious gatekeepers, gaslighters, bigots, high key sanctimonious and often have a cis white westernized sense of morality and ethics through which they fliter others and expect everyone and everything to conform to.

They impose their values on others, their ethics on others, resort to manipulation, policing, intimidation and bullying to impose their will etc.

Within shipping, there are those who are Proshipping yet anti certain ships. Most Tuktukkers are anti Jikook. And assume anyone who isn't a tuktukker is equally anti Tae Kook and so go ahead and exhibit anti behaviours towards them.

Think of such groups of shippers as Proshippers with a preference for particular ships if you will.

There are Pro shippers who also feel some kind of way about Shipping real life people or alt shipping.

Here's further resource to help you understand what proshipping is

If you are intolerant with other shippers choice of ships or style of shipping and you traumatize them for it that's Anti shipping. Especially if you feel entitled and justified to traumatize others because you take a higher moral status over them.

You can be proship and not like how certain people, how they go about

Simply walk away, click off, mind your business. You are not the only adult in these streets and leave people to do what interests them.

I think for as long as I can remember, I've always been a proshipper and I ship both platonically and romantically, fictionally and alternatively💀

Some themes in fiction are a hard limit for me such as the R word, pedophilia, incest, child abuse- I just can never find the entertainment in those topics and will struggle through such themes.

But others believe it's just FICTION and those fictional characters aren't really dealing with the imaginary struggles we read about.

Yall do you sis.

I don't really know why people make a big deal of it or try to demonize the concept of shipping as if it were something strange or mysterious- just keep your moral values to yourself. I am not your mother's daughter. we were not raised in the same households.

Then again I think it all depends on the different cultures and social backgrounds we all come from and how entitled, supremacist or imperialist they are.

For Yoonmin, I shipped them romantically but didn't think they were a real couple at all. I just romanticized their interactions and found humor in it. At the back of my head I was expecting them each to one day find husbands or wives and go their merry ways and even harbored the thought they each could very much be in serious romantic relationships with others.

In similar ways, I shipped Minimoni and Vmin.

You can ship a pair romantically and not think at all that they are actually REAL.

A lot of jokers ship Jikook romantically and don't assume they are real. Just as a lot of people shipped say Elena and Stefan romantically even though Paul was married.

Some shipped Elena and Damon too due to their unscreen chemistry and even felt they could be a thing- that was before later it was revealed they had started dating in real life. Even that I was holding on to my Bonnie x Damon fantasies because Bonnie was my bias and I shipped her with everyone romantically- of course I didn't expect any of those ships to manifest into something because it was the character I was shipping not Kat herself. To this day I still love her onscreen chemistry and friendship with Damon and don't see how people could wish for it to be more than that😭

It was beautiful as is. Not everything should climax into sexual intercourse.

But if I felt at some point any of her ships had crossed into alternative ships I would have jumped on those and supported it whole heartedly.

If you assume a pair are a real couple and dating in real life that's alt shipping- a lot of alt shippers suspect a ship is real and that's why they ship them.

There is no such thing as platonic alt shipping.

And for me personally, because I believe Jikook are a real couple and have made that cross over I don't ship any of that pair romantically with other members anymore.

It's bizzare to me to ship someone I know has a partner romantically with anybody else- I make exceptions for Vmin of course💀

I know JK is side eyeing me but I don't care.

I want Tae to be happy too😭😭😭

Tae just wants his bestfriend and soulmate😭

It's too much😭😭😭😭😭😭

He stays shooting his shots🤣

Jimin Harem is real🤭

I must admit, I catch myself slipping on Vmin and Minimoni every now and then- old habits die hard and they don't make it easy 😫

But that don't mean I think Vmin is dating. THAT WOULD BE WILD.

Summary

Proshippers can be Platonic or Romantic shippers and you can ship a pair romantically and not assume they are real at all.

Anti shippers are just assholes trying to beat their values down people's throats.

Alt shippers don't ship their OTP with other players romantically.

I don't know what you mean by Jinkooker...

Do you ship Jinkook romantically or think they are real?? Sis...

Maybe you just ship them platonically or casually.

I ship all the ships platonically.

Especially all Jimin"s Tae's ships. I'd let my self flirt with the idea of romance every now and then.

JK's ships don't make sense to me as ships.

As nonplatonic ships I mean.

I'm fascinated each time I see a hardcore JK x any member ship besides Jikook swearing up and down JK is screwing Namjoon🤣🤣

I hope this helps??

GOLDY

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trisshawkeye · 4 years

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I'm a little hesitant to weigh in on the discourse going around, since I can't speak to the Chinese LGBTQ+ experience, but what I can speak to is one of the reasons why a queer person might find the nature of the sex scenes in MDZS, and in particular the extras, interesting and relatable to their experience as a queer person.

First off I want to stress that YOU DO NOT NEED TO READ THE MDZS EXTRAS. In fact, if you think they might be triggering or upsetting to you, or just not your cup of tea, then just don't read them. You don't need to read them to enjoy everything else MDZS has to offer. Indeed, if any of the following would wig you out—slightly dub-con kissing, misunderstandings around a sexual encounter due to each party thinking the other didn't want it in the same way they did, an inexperienced couple figuring out what they like and finding out that includes mild consent-play—then maybe you might want to skip the scenes in the main novel too. It's okay to have preferences and for those preferences to not include that. If you don't want to read those sections, then I'm not gonna judge you, don't read them. There is plenty else to enjoy. Look after yourself first!

Okay, with that out the way, I'd like to talk to you a little bit about shame and sexual fantasy.

While not written to this particular audience at all, Lan Wangji is a painfully relatable character for a certain type of gifted queer kid growing up in conservative Evangelical Christian spaces. The combination of having a strict, rule-based moral code one is expected to follow, and being held up as a well-behaved, good example to others from a young age, both in terms of pseudo-academic achievement and in terms of following of said moral code, and then finding yourself and your worldview becoming increasingly incompatible with the code you are trying to live by, is one that really fucks you up. Lan Wangji is a character laser-targeted at my own set up of hang-ups and neuroses, oh boy. I love him so much and want him to be happy.

And to be fair, that's not to say the Gusu Lan sect rules are bad per se, and characters such as Lan Xichen show that it is possible to have a different relationship with them such that they inform your behaviour but still allow for flexibility and compromise. But Lan Wangji definitely strikes me as someone who took rule-following deep into his own sense of identity, and that gets very messy for him when he starts questioning how to handle moral quandaries that the rules can't easily address by themselves, or finds himself trying to follow them in a way that conflicts with how the rest of his sect are doing so.

So when this kind of strict moral purity forms a big part of your identity, and then you suddenly get attracted to someone 'inappropriate' (or indeed, anyone at all as a horny teenager who’s supposed to behave themselves), your new and growing sense of desire runs smack bang into your existential need to be someone who is Good(TM), who follows the rules, who wouldn't in their right mind to anything that contradicts them. You can't just dream soft dreams about sneaking away to kiss your crush and you both enjoying it, because even that is shameful, it's wrong, it flies in the face of everything you're supposed to be and you'd never do that. And so one way for your mind to get around this is for your fantasies to take a darker turn, to imagine that you were pushed beyond all reasonable human limits, that you lost all control, that you were drugged or manipulated, that the other person took advantage of you or somehow provoked you into assaulting them, and that way you can sort of excuse yourself, you can imagine yourself in that situation because at least then it wasn't really your fault, you can kind of keep your internal sense of identity consistent. But now you've imagined you're in that situation and you have that 'excuse', you have a kind of free rein to act out the things you want to do and it doesn't really 'count'. And all the while you're entirely aware that this is a fucked up fantasy, that it would be unforgivable if you did such a thing or such a thing was done to you in real life, and now you're worried that even imagining such a thing is a failure of your moral character, and it builds into a destructive cycle of shame and self-loathing, and it's just a real mess all round.

Now, I think this is something that Lan Wangji worked through and came out the other side of, and he was no longer ashamed of his desire for Wei Wuxian by the time he came back in the body of Mo Xuanyu (and probably even by the time of the first siege of the Burial Mounds, though it was far too late at that point). But for a sixteen-year-old Lan Wangji to have these violent fantasies about being provoked into raping Wei Wuxian because that was the only way he could imagine himself in a situation in which he could express that desire? And then later in life finding out that consent-play holds some appeal? Yeah, I can see that, I can relate to it.

And so in the incense burner chapter? When it becomes clear they're visiting one of Lan Wangji's teenage fantasies, especially right after the adorably domestic scene that is Wei Wuxian's dream, he is absolutely embarrassed by it, he's mortified—it's obvious he still considers it to be shameful and would honestly rather Wei Wuxian didn't see this side of himself so clearly, although he loves and trusts Wei Wuxian enough not to hide it from him when he says wants to stay. And then, when Wei Wuxian sees where it's going, and finds it hilarious and honestly kinda hot, knowing that it is just a fantasy, and one that meshes well with his own consensual-non-consent kinks to boot, you know what? It's a relief! It's an honest-to-goodness relief and entirely delightful to me that he turns around and basically says, hey, it's okay, this doesn't make you a bad person, you don't have to be ashamed of this, I love you, I'm enjoying this too, I want to see where this goes, let's have sex!

Because none of this does make Lan Wangji a bad person—none of these fantasies were acted upon except for one intensely-regretted kiss (and then only really regretted on his own part), and then later in the context of entirely consensual, mutually enjoyable sex as adults between him and Wei Wuxian. And being able to revisit those fantasies and take away the shame he's associated with them all this time is probably pretty healing for him!

Like I said at the start, you don't have to read these chapters. They were not written for you personally, and you are not the target audience for them. If you're going to be at all distressed by the content then I actively encourage you not to read them, it would be a form of emotional self-harm to do so. It's not like you're missing out on anything important (or even very well-written, if I'm being honest, particularly once it's gone through the mangle of a translation that I don't personally think handles the nuances of the smut scenes very well, from what I can gather from various pieces of discussion about it). It's totally fine if you find these kinks unpleasant and don't want to touch them with a barge pole! But that doesn't make having or writing or enjoying these kinks or fantasies somehow morally wrong—it's not shameful, it's not homophobic, and please, please stop accusing the author or fans of being so just because you don't personally like it. Because you’re just reinforcing the shame-based, purity-based thinking that screws so many of us up in the first place.

(Aside: I’m not saying this is necessarily the correct way to interpret Lan Wangji’s character and motivations with respect to these scenes, since I too am a Westerner coming at all this material through the veil of translation and with very little understanding of its surrounding literary context—I’m more describing how, from my own experience as a young repressed religious queer, I found myself vibing a lot with this character and his relationship with sexual desire.)

#lan wangji #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #mdzs discourse #cw rape mention #in the context of discussing rape fantasies #and why one might have them #and in the context of a chapter in which a rape fantasy is observed but no one is actually raped #ugh i already feel like i'm oversharing please don't make me regret posting this #this is just like the don't consume horror if you don't like it discourse goin on over in the tma fandom all over again #mdzs meta

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pi-cat000 · 4 years

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MSA time travel idea (part 41)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Vivi POV, 8, 9, 10, Lewis POV, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, Lance POV 18, 19, Lewis POV 2, 21 , 22, Vivi POV 2, 24, 25 Lewis POV 3, Mystery POV , Vivi POV 3, 29, Lewis POV 4, 31, ViVi POV 4 , 33, 34, Lewis POV 5, Mystery POV 2, Lewis POV 6, Vivi POV 5, Lewis POV 7 VIVI POV 6

Part 42: here

...

VIVI POV:

The flames are kind of mesmerising, with their dancing oranges and yellows, streaked with green and the occasional blue as various materials reacted differently to the heat. It is easy just to stare and let her attention wander, fatigue turning all her worries into background static. Inside the van, various camping implements twist and warp. It is the ache in her leg muscles that eventually pulls her attention back to the present. Her legs are tired from her earlier search for the van and prolonged restless standing. A reminder that she has a long walk back to Pepper Paradiso and her truck. She feels doubly exhausted just thinking about it.

Vivi glances at Mystery who is also staring into the fire. His expression borders on thoughtfull, lit faintly by the fire. A familiar etherial red light is diffused amongst his fur, barely noticeable alongside the organge glow of the flames. Does the red light mean that Mystery is casting his illusion to hide the fire? She is not sure.

“So what’s the deal with this spiritual residue, physical plane stuff you mentioned earlier? How does that tie into all that stuff about deals, oaths and whatnot?” There is a lot of folklore warning against making deals with supernatural creatures but she wants the actual facts behind it. With her constant vigil at the hospital and Mystery’s own efforts to spy on Milton’s downtown police department, she hasn’t had the opportunity to ask many questions. This is the first time she’s been alone with Mystery and not been distracted chasing around after leads and information related to Arthur’s possession.

Mystery’s head swings around so he is looking right at her. His eyes are backlit by that same red light which shines out from behind his irises. The effect is made more intense by its association to that night outside Pepper Paradiso. It isn’t exactly the same- it is a lot less angry- but the small comparison makes her shiver.

Mystery blinks, ears drooping, and looks off to the side. She wouldn’t think a giant, many tailed kitsune could look awkward but Mystery pulls it off. A sudden change in the wind interrupts her next question. Vivi gets a whiff of burning rubber and melting plastic in all it’s this horridness. Mystery also wrinkles his nose in discomfort. The sheer displeasure splashed across his face reminds her of similar expressions he’d make at his dog food. It is crazy to picture him eating dog food after seeing him like this, with his shimmering white fur, almost silver in the moonlight, tails cascading around him both taking up too much space while also taking no space at all. Not even the fancy, expensive dog food.

/Perhaps we should move further up-wind?/

Vivi nods and they shuffle around as much as the enclosed space allows so the smell isn’t coming right at them. It takes her closer to Mystery but she’s happy to discover that it’s a discomfort she’s willing to bare to avoid the stench. Once they’ve found a slightly new location, Mystery speaks again.

/Your question is difficult to answer because none of these - spiritual residue, the physical plane or oaths- are simple. /

“Well, try. Or at least give me the cliff-notes. Something I can actually do something with. Like, how much can I rely on all those stories, legends and myths I have memorised?”

Mystery considers her, eyes softer, red luminescence dimming to barely an ember as he thinks. / Human belief does hold some influence over how spiritual and magical energies manifest, as does any type of will or resolve. Resolve is what shapes these energies, allowing for us non-physical entities to manipulate reality around us. It is what gives oaths and promises their holding power./

/What is a promise if not the ultimate statement of intention./

“So, it’s a ‘humans believe in fairies so fairies exist’ type scenario?” That would be convenient if only because it would validate all the time she’d spend pouring over old myths and folktales.

/Partially…/ Mystery’s tails twitch, encircling his paws, and he settles himself into a seated position, and Vivi gets the sense that Mystery is summarising and skipping over a lot of detail for her, / Get enough humans believing in the same story for a few hundred years and it will have tangible effects on the type of creatures that come into being. It will influences how the spiritual and non-physical function on this plane of existence, giving animation to what would otherwise be mindless energy. /

The explanation makes sense, in a way. Vivi frowns, mulling it over, following Mystery’s example and moving to the nearest rock with a semi-flat surface and sitting herself down. So far things were relatively straightforward. Supernatural creatures existed because of some non-physical, extradimensional energy which was shaped by will power. It both explained human religion and mythology, as well as the odd system of bargaining Mystery had walked her through already. Only things were never that simple, were they?

“You are the way you are because of myths and stuff?” Vivi speaks up and falters trying to think of a generic term for ‘supernatural creature,’ realising that Mystery hadn’t put a name to what he or any of them were outside of being partly spiritual, non-physical in nature, “But you said it was only partially true? Where does the partially come into all this?”

/Humans are far from the only creatures that have access to the resolve and will power needed to shape these energies. Stories told by humans are rarely completely accurate for a reason./

Well, that sounds super ominous and the way Mystery is watching her. like he is worried about something, isn’t helping. The fox exhales and his ears twitch.

/If you wish it, we can discuss the matter at length another time. Many far wiser than I have dedicated centuries to understanding how creatures like myself come into being and what shapes our growth and development. For now, consider it context. /

“Context?” Is it just her or does Mystery seam doubly tentative now? His tails are shifting in an uncharacteristic display of outward emotion.

/This plane, the physical plane, has its own structures and laws which shape it. Then there are creatures like myself that can alter these structures. Mostly, our influence is very limited, depending on our resolve and power which grow slowly with age and experience. Any alteration too drastic requires a lot of energy and may leave one in danger of fading to nothing./ Mystery lapses into a contemplative silence, attention drifting to the fire. The flames reflect in his eyes, so they dance and flicker a warm yellow which intermingles with the red.

/Gods, deities, higher powers, humans have many names for them, but they do exist, and their resolve is beyond comprehension. More ideas and concept than anything else, their interference here comes in many forms. If one knows how and was willing to take an oath to act as acolytes to the physical plain, then there are a wide range boons available for beings like myself./

Mystery pauses as if to check she’s following the explanation. At this point, Vivi’s just taking everything in stride. Gods exist? Sure, why not. It’s not any crazier than all the other stuff Mystery’s said. What does have her worried is the uncomfortable feeling that Mystery is building up to some sort of unpleasant revelation. The fox looks and sounds dead serious and she gets the sense that he’s explaining something fundamentally important.

/Of course, when you have entities capable of granting abilities with the potential to unravel reality itself, there must be some structure to it otherwise there would be only chaos. A Natural Order exists to maintain balance. /

“Sooo…” She ends up having to prompt when Mystery’s silence stretches too long after the statement, “…you have some sort of supernatural code of conduct that stops you from messing up reality. Good to know.” Ever since Mystery dropped his dog persona, he has never expressed any hesitation when it came to outlining his own abilities. Right now, he is looking very uncertain, almost like he regrets trying to explain this to her.

“Mystery?” She asks again, more insistent, because dammit if she’s going to let him clam-up when she’s finally getting some popper answers.

/ Your investigation, regarding the change in Arthur’s behaviour, I have a… theory… regarding what might have affected him. / Mystery turns back to her, expression serious, /I received a… vision of sorts. A warning... /

Mystery exhales, /One tenant of this Natural Order that is rigorously reinforced is that none can interfere with the progression of time beyond the basic manipulations of time fields and alterations of the perhaps a minute or so, a hour at most. Even these small alternations require immense power and a direct connection to a deity within the correct domain. That or immense personal sacrifice. /

“Time manipulation? That’s possible? Wait…” Vivi’s breath catches because she’s read enough science fiction literature to know that you didn’t just bring up time travel without it being relevant, “Who’s time travelled? Can you time travel?”

/No, I cannot. Not to this extent…Or I should not have been able too./ Several tails unfurl to sway in a slightly agitated pattern, /It is a discussion for another time, maybe. I am not the one who is to be suspected of time-travelling./

“Arthur? You’re saying Arthur time-travelled,” She feels like she should outright reject the implication for being too outlandish. What made time-travel any different from extra-dimensional gods or spiritual energy that was shaped by will-power? Vivi grips the edges of her jacket, clenching it tightly. For the second time that week, her whole world view shakes, reordering as a whole lot of floating pieces and facts finally start coming together into one coherent picture.

“The force behind Arthur’s odd behaviour change is because he time-travelled?”

/It is only a theory. The vision may have been incorrect or I might have misinterpreted it./

“He looks the same though. Wouldn’t he look…older or younger?” It couldn’t be younger because she knows younger Arthur and how terrible he was at lying…Or she hopes she does. Her mind spins as everything she’s worked to piece together over the past few days falls apart. All her theories, useless. Every plan, every detail, now askew.

/ It was implied that he may have travelled backwards from two years beyond our current time. As for appearance, human souls carry an imprint of all their memories and experiences. If one were to send a soul back in time any matching memories would synchronise and newer memories would sit alongside them./

“Okay, okay, say you’re right about the time travel. This is a good thing. It means Arthur was always Arthur, ah...excluding the one day when he wasn’t. The weird behaviour is because we’ve been interacting with an older Arthur.”

Two years wasn’t a huge age gap.

Maybe this, if it were true, was okay. How much could Arthur have possibly changed? Even as she tries to considers the possibility in a positive light, all she feels is apprehension. Before all this, she wouldn’t have thought much about the ramifications of time travel aside from the fact that it was cool. Alas, the shine that uncovering the unknown had once brought is dulled with worry. After having what felt like a lifetime of stress condensed into four days, she knows nothing about this stuff is simple.

/I do not know whether this is good or bad for Arthur, only that such a desperate measure is never taken without dire cause. Divinities that deal in time and fate are incredibly powerful and notoriously unforgiving. I can only assume that whatever this current timeline replaced was worse than drawing ire of fate itself. /

Mystery confirms her fears. His tails finally settle and he exhales unhappily, and she mirrors him.

Warnings of impending doom not withstanding, Vivi tries to picture a future where the only option left for Arthur was to go back and do it all again. Nothing that comes to mind is pleasant. What’s more, it also throws new light onto all her recent interactions with Arthur and she is not sure she likes what any of it implies. Arthur had avoided interacting with them and had snuck off to buy medication alone. He’d had a panic attack, he hadn't had one of those in years. If that wasn’t the work of some demon-possessed asshole, then maybe it was normal behaviour for future-Arthur. Some of what the demon-bastard had said was making more sense now. The body snatcher was right, Arthur was ‘not quite himself’...in a manner of speaking. No wonder Arthur had seemed different, on that day several weeks ago, when she had caught him unawares outside his bathroom and, for a split second, his face had been strange.

But, what could have or caused the change.

‘Flipped a switch on his personality’.

Had something happened between Arthur and Lewis to cause Arthur’s standoffish, bordering of fearful behaviour? What had she done to make Arthur not feel comfortable coming to her for help? She and Lewis would never hurt Arthur. Right?

What could she do to fix something like this?

How much could have possibly changed in two years? She thinks of Lewis, of Mystery biting into his arm, of blood spattering across the face, of blood on her hands, of blood on the ground. Both her friends dying while she’s sitting there useless. A lot...a lot could change and it didn’t need as long as two years to happen. She shakes her head and massages her temples, trying to rid herself of imagery and not to get drawn into thinking up a worse scenario. s it bad that she preferred the scenario in which Arthur had been threatened into lying because he was being stalked by some crazy man in leather?

“You said there’s a chance that you're wrong. How likely is that?” What was the accuracy rate for ‘visions’ anyway? Geez, she’s not even sure how to approach that one.

/From what I have seen of Arthur, despite the impossibility of it all, I cannot rule it out completely. His soul is warped, his aura altered, far too powerful for a human, double what it should be. It could be a result of an older and younger soul merging or it could be the influence of some other force./

She lets out a long, tired breath, watching the fire begin to burn itself out. The cold begins to creep back in and the night seems just a dark as that night outside the diner even when lit by the full moon. Everything feels like it’s too much, too many problems tying themselves on knots. Funnily, it’s the opposite problem of having too little information. She needs time to work through it all and put it in some sort of usable order. Supernatural creatures, gods, spiritual energy, souls, auras, visions, time travel, different planes of reality. She has so many questions about all of it that they’ve all melded together into a confusing mess.

“When Arthur wakes up, I’ll confirm the time travel thing. I’ll figure something out.”

/I will help. I noted a change in Arthur’s aura and did nothing to investigate. I regret it. As unpreceded and worrying as this situation is, I do not want my inaction to lead to further hurt./

Vivi doesn’t answer, opting to continue staring at the van. She’s tempted to let her mind wander and check out of this whole confusing mess. She doesn’t have the energy to reject Mystery’s reassurance like she’d been so adamant in doing over the last few days.

/I will admit, there is a lot I have yet to tell you…/ Mystery continues she feels the slight shift in the air as he tails begin to sway again, /Some of it involves circumstances I am not proud off, unrelated to what is happening now but maybe important for later. I require time to mull it over…I am not accustomed to making decisions so suddenly. It is a very human thing to do./

At least this apology acknowledges the fact that Mystery is still keeping secrets. It is better than a repeat of the ‘I wanted to keep you safe’ bullshit her dad had been spewing. It’s something.

“I just don’t know where to start with this.” She looks to Mystery, trying to keep the strain from her voice. “If your theory is right, what do I say to Arthur?” Honestly, she hadn’t really thought about what she would say to Arthur if…when... he awoke aside from making sure he was okay.

/Whatever you would normally say to offer a friend comfort. His time spent with that parasitic abomination was not kind from what I gathered during our brief interaction and it will have likely left some form of mark behind./

The assertion isn’t much really, but it is something. Mystery is right. She’ll focus on Arthur. Whatever time-travelling disasters might have happened, this was still Arthur and that’s all that mattered in this moment. The bigger picture can wait. She wasn’t going to let the taunting of some bastard demon colour her view of potential-future-Arthur until she knew more. If Lewis were here he would know what to do, he was good at helping people. No. Lewis wasn’t here so she would do what she always did, approach the situation as rationally as possible and give Arthur emotional support whether he wanted it or not. It’s got them through problems in the past and its the only frame of reference she has. At least now she has something concrete to go on and plan around, even if it did suck. And, who knows, maybe Mystery’s theory was wrong. She yawns, now thoroughly mentally and physically exhausted. Maybe, she would fall asleep right here, sitting on this stone.

/We should begin our journey back to your vehicle. It is a significant walk and we should start if we intend to make it before sunrise./ Mystery intones, eyes tracking her as she sways from side to side. The fox stands, stretching his front paws, and she watches his tails fan out then settle.

“We can’t go yet the van is still burning.”

Before she’s even finished the objection the fire undulates, seaming to snuff out, collapsing in on itself. Mystery trots up to the remainder of the van, barely a metal shell now, nudging it with its shoulder. Slowly at first and then all at once, the van rolls over and into the ravine. There is a loud crash, followed by the screech of twisting and crunching metal. Vivi jumps at the sudden noise, standing in her alarm, sleep momentarily forgotten.

/Is this satisfactory?/

She blinks, then approaches the edge of the ravine, peering into it. The blackened, ruined van is at the bottom, warped on the rocks. “Yeah, I guess this is fine.” Not like she had a better plan. No one would see it from the road when it was like this.

/Will you allow me to carry you. It will be significantly faster and allow you time to rest. /

“I…” She looks back over at Mystery, about to refuse outright and insist on walking the whole way under her own power. However, the way Mystery was dipping his head, ears back, head down, makes her hesitate. He is obviously trying to make himself look as unthreatening as possible. She pauses. It is a long way back and she is tired enough that the visions of looming shadows and blood aren’t so dominating without the backdrop of the diner to spur them on.

“Okay…yes. I think I’ll be alright with that.”

Instead of immediately trotting towards her, Mystery hesitates, watching and Vivi realises he’s waiting for her to make the first move. Wind blows through the ravine, whistling, taking the remainder of the burnt rubber smell and black smoke away with it. The space between them is clear and empty of obstruction. Carefully, inching along the ground to moves, stopping a step away. Mystery leans forward, closing the rest of the distance. She holds her breath as his jaws come near to her hand. There is the sensation of something wet against her palm.

Mystery’s nose is wet. He is sniffing her hand like he would have when pretending to be a dog. His many tails swish from side to side like he is attempting to mimic a wagging tail. The whole effect is somewhat ridiculous seeing as he has so many of them.

Hesitant at first then with more confidence, she runs a hand across the fur forming the tuft at the side of his head. It is coarse but easily smoothed under her palm. She draws her hand down his neck. In the places where she touches red light particles jump into the air like dust motes, sticking to her hand before quickly fading. For a moment she smells freshly cooked rice, upturned earth, and fresh rain before that sensation fades as well. Oh...and she begins to understand what Mystery ment when he called himself non-physical. Impressions and sensation run down her arm, tickling her thoughts reminding her of when Mystery uses his thought-speech. The Kitsune feels both solid and transient.

Mystery turns to the side, giving her easy access to his back, waiting patiently. She blinks the non-physical impressions away. More confident, she pulls herself up, gripping onto his fur, feeling his snout poke into her side to nudge her forward.

“I’m still angry at you, you know,” She affirms once she is comfortably situated and Mystery starts walking. The anger and hurt of betrayal still curl tight in her chest, though they have loosened somewhat.

/I understand. /

Nodding once, she relaxes, letting herself rest for what feels like the first time in days. She finds it oddly easy to balance and she ends up leaning forward against Mystery’s neck, finding comfort in the rock of his slightly uneven gate. Would this count as upholding the crappy agreement to sleep she had made earlier with Mystery?

“Why don’t more people know about all this stuff?” The question is soft, muffled by Mystery’s fur as she attempts to ward off her quickly returning fatigue.

/Most manifestations of spiritual energy are subtle, indistinguishable from normal acts of nature. Fully realised creatures like myself are also rare and tend to keep to themselves. It is more common to come across formless entities such as spirits and yokai, and even they leave barely an indent on this plane…hard to notice when one does not know where to look.../

As Mystery talks, sound washing through her mind like a river, fatigue finally catching up with, taking her quickly into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

...

NOTE: THE EXPOSITION NIGHTMARE IS OVER!

And in the end Arthur never had to tell either of his friends about the time-travel.

I have decided I hate exposition writing, this thing took freakin forever and I’m still not sure it made complete sense. Should have explained some of this shit way earlier to make it easier on myself. Anyway, now I can finally shift the focus back to Arthur.

I hope I made this interesting enough seeing as it was just Vivi and Mystery talking for 3000+ words.

Part 42: here

#MSA #mystery skulls animated #fanfiction #time travel #Mystery the dog #Vivi Yukino #mentions of violence #light descriptions of blood #angst #the exposition chapter #stuff gets explained and not one is happy #including the author because making exposition interesting to read is hard yo #msa time travel au

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carlyraejcpsen · 4 years

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i’ve been debating a lot in the past few weeks about whether to post something about this, but seeing as there are a lot of people talking about @londonhq at the moment, i wanted to share my experience with them.

NOTE: i have posted screenshots of the conversation in a private post HERE. i will be pasting them in as text in this post instead of as photos because that is more accessible, but you can also view the screenshots so you can see i have not edited the text in any way.

i reached out to the main about three weeks ago because i was concerned about the lack of diversity in their roleplay. i was also concerned that they were repeatedly posting in the tags about how they were looking for more diverse characters and were inclusive of all muses, while doing nothing to actually promote diversity amongst their existing players. at the time, they had 4 poc characters out of a total of 36. three of these characters were white-passing. this, of course, does not erase their identities as people of colour, but it is quite worrying when it is your only form of representation.

as i’m sure many of you who regularly play muses of colour can attest to, it is incredibly intimidating to join a predominantly white group, as far too often characters who are not white can be ignored by other players. therefore, no matter how much the admins say how inclusive and welcoming the group is, you are immediately wary of joining. to that effect, i reached out to the main with the following message, suggesting that they put a rule in place that encourages existing members to use faceclaims of colour if they wish to play multiple characters. again, i have copied this as text to make it more accessible, you can find the screenshots HERE.

waitresslondon: hi, i saw your rp in the tags and i just wanted to shoot you a message because i am really concerned about the lack of diversity. i can see that you have repeatedly posted in the tags stating that you are accepting of all muses and looking for more diversity, but it doesn't appear that you have put any rules in place to actually fix this issue? i.e. people who play multiple characters must make sure that a certain number of them are poc. diversity in an rp starts with the admins: if you don't put something in place, you can't expect people to come to you with their muses of colour, because we can't believe they will be accepted in such a white-dominated rp. especially when the last time someone asked you about diversity, the admin who responded literally listed the poc muses like they were tokens (especially because you could count them on one hand!). i hope this doesn't come off as an attack, i really hope you take what i have said into consideration and put measures in place going forward. i am happy to help you as much as i can if you would like any advice etc. especially because i live in london!

here is the previous ask i referenced in my message, which they had answered a few weeks before i reached out:

[ IMAGE ID: A screenshot taken from londonhq of an anonymous message reading: “How diverse is your roleplay? On average if you do not have an exact number.” The response from londonhq reads: “Are you able to define the word ‘diverse’ and in what context?” ]

[ IMAGE ID: A screenshot taken from londonhq of an anonymous message reading: “Most definitely. What I meant was your number of poc within the rp.” The response from londonhq reads: “I feel pretty confident that we are quite diverse with our face claim especially since we have the following POC’s in the roleplay; Amandla Stenberg, Ana De Armas, Jordan Fisher, Zayn Malik, Zendaya and we are always encouraging and wanting more, a lot if not all of our Most Wanted are actually POC because I would personally would love to see more colour on our dash. I will say that I think we could be MORE diverse but also that we are doing what we can by promoting for more POC faces in order to attract those kinds of players and muses. I hope this answers your question” ]

I personally believe that my concerns were valid and that my message was incredibly reasonably. I purposefully reached out to them in private as I don’t believe in public callout posts without giving someone a chance to rectify their behaviour. The roleplay then got back to me with the following response (again, the original screenshots are here):

londonhq: Hi there. While I appreciate your message and I don’t take it as an attack we here at Londonhq do all that we can to try and get diversity into our group. I myself play an Ana de Armas who is considered POC. Everyone can play who they want because it’s a roleplay and I strongly encourage people to play who they feel comfortable with. In saying that we do have some POC in the group like Emeraude Toubias ( Mexican and Lebanese ), Ana de Armas ( Cuban and Spanish ) as I mentioned, Odette Anabelle ( Cuban, Spanish, French, Italian ) which this is just the start I can ensure you that London is doing the best we can to be a safe place for POC. While I can agree rules can reinforce this I would like londonhq to be a place where people can play who they feel comfortable with and I personally don’t see the harm in this as muse is something that comes naturally to people and you can’t force people to play muses they don’t want to play. If people don’t want to bring POC here that’s completely fine I can’t change their attitude on things, that’s a decision they have made but there are people here planning on bringing in POC and the more that they do hopefully the more they will feel comfortable to do so.

I was so saddened to receive this message and responded as such, because I simply cannot believe that they don’t see the harm in a group of players who are supposedly only comfortable playing white characters? Especially when they are promoting it as somewhere welcoming and inclusive. Sorry this one’s a long one!

waitresslondon: i won’t lie, i was incredibly disappointed to read your response. especially because I specifically mentioned the last response listing poc characters like tokens, which is the exact same thing you did in your reply just now. i reached out to you in the hopes that you were willing to listen and take an active part in making the rpc and your rp specifically more diverse and accepting. from your reply i can clearly see that that is not the case.

quite frankly, 4 out of 36 characters being portrayed by faceclaims of colour is not enough. it is nowhere near enough. especially when three of them are white passing. of course that does not erase their identity as a poc, but when it is you only form of representation it is not even close to being acceptable. like i said, just saying that you would like more poc muses isn’t “doing everything you can.” when i look at your masterlist, it immediately makes me think that my muses of colour will not be accepted in your rp. characters of colour are so often ignored and passed over for plots, which makes people incredibly wary about joining rps with their diverse muses, so please do consider that seeing a masterlist as overwhelmingly white as yours is an instant red flag.

change starts with YOU, the admins. if you want a diverse rp, you need to play diverse characters. you need to encourage your members to do the same, specifically like i mentioned with rules about multiple characters. if they are not comfortable playing poc muses, then they do not have to play multiples, but honestly i really can’t believe that you don’t see the issue with a group of writers who are only comfortable playing white characters. you’re telling me that people can happily take 4 or 5 characters and make them all differentiable from each other, but cannot bring themselves to write even one of them as a person of colour. there’s no excuse for it in this day and age honestly, there are countless guides about playing characters of all different backgrounds which are easy to find with very little effort. i’ve also been in and have adminned multiple rps where we have brought in this kind of rule and it absolutely did not stop people from applying for multiple characters. it only served to improve the diversity of faceclaims in the rp and encourage more people to join with their muses of colour.

you said “If people don’t want to bring POC here that’s completely fine I can’t change their attitude on things,” but as an admin you CAN. there are so many people in the rpc who play diverse muses, but without rules in place to make them welcome and wanted, you push them away. so i really must please implore you to look at your rp and the rules and make a positive change. i also can’t help but take it just a little bit personally: london is one of the most diverse cities in the world with over 40% of the population belonging to an ethnic minority, so it really does hurt to see it represented so poorly. again, i reached out to help and that offer still stands, if you are willing.

That was the end of the conversation, as they never responded to that message. This was about three weeks ago now, as I decided to give them time to see if they would adjust their behaviour and make any changes that would make it clear they had taken my criticism on board. Clearly this has not been the case. Below is the only post they have made about the matter:

[ IMAGE ID: A screenshot taken from londonhq of an admin note reading: “Hey everyone, Admin Armi here. I know there’s been some heavy concerns regarding the lack of diversity in this group and we feel we must address this once and for all. We admins here at LondonHQ have expressed since the opening day that we are a friendly, welcoming, inclusive group. We’d never turn away or even discourage any muse that is a POC or nonbinary, in fact, we highly encourage them! Diversity is greatly welcomed and desired. We’ve done all that we could to express how much we desire more diversity in this group as we’d love to hold true to how diverse London truly is. Now that being said, we cannot and will not force any of our players or applicants to pick up a FC regardless of their ethnicity or gender. As a WOC myself, I would personally find it incredibly offensive to implement such a rule solely based on one’s skin color. We’ve always encouraged our players to pick up the faces they are comfortable with, thus never banning a gender for the sake of the gender ratio. Our players’ comfort, happiness and creativity is our top priority. We welcome all variety of muses here at London. If you strongly feel we need to have more diversity in this group then please send in that app! We’d love to have you! Be the change you want to see. That’s all we have to say regarding this topic. Any further anonymous messages on this matter will be disregarded.” ]

I will let you draw your own conclusions from this post, but to me, it is clear that the lack of diversity in this group is not something they see a problem with nor truly wish to change. I was quite frankly shocked too to read them saying “Be the change you want to see.” As the admins, you need to be that change if you actually want to see it! It is not on your players to make your roleplay more diverse, it is on you.

As just one further point, they also continue to use a PSD that whitewashes the few faceclaims of colour that they have, which is just...yeah, you know, you get it.

#rpc #rpt #londonhq #i hate posting things like this i rly hope it's coherent etc

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avpdvoidspace · 3 years

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so...i’m not super sure how to describe this, but i’m worried about something i tried last night with a friend of mine. i was having a breakdown, and generally during these i respond really negatively to comfort/reassurances—like, insulting and yelling at people who try to do it levels of negatively. that’s obviously not good for people who just want to help. on the other hand, bottling it up or not having anyone respond when i am having a breakdown (this is all over discord, probably should’ve. mentioned that earlier), while it doesn’t make things go Completely sideways most of the time, makes it last longer (before i had this breakdown, i had been feeling generally shitty for most of the week). yelling at people tends to make me tired and i go numb for a couple days before going back to normal, but for obvious reasons no one really wants just sit there while i yell at them.

back to the original situation, i brought up this whole Thing with my mind during breakdowns, and one of my friends offered to let me lash out at them and everything (in dms as opposed to the vent channel in a server this was happening in), and i took them up on the offer. they never seemed upset while i was yelling at them and calling them names and shit, and at some point i got tired and went to sleep.

logically i know that my friend was okay with me doing this, and we were doing it in private, and they told me that they knew i didn’t mean any of what i was saying (i didn’t mean any of it, but obviously i shot this down in the moment), but...i still feel bad about doing all of this. i don’t know if this is healthy or not (even though to me it doesn’t really matter), and i. guess that’s what i’m asking?

sorry for the wall of text

That's really hard for me to say. I think there could be healthy ways to act that kind of scenario out in like a roleplay kind of situation where both of you know it's not real and you're exploring feelings and reactions in a fictional setting. But I think maybe if this is in earnest at least on the level of it's really you really lashing out against them, even if you had agreed on it, it might not be a great idea. And like of course I'm not a professional, so this is just my opinion, but if it were me, I'd be worried about two things. One, am I reinforcing a behaviour in myself that is going to hurt myself or other people, intentionally or unintentionally... And two, what is the other person's motivation for offering that? Are they getting something out of it and not being upfront about that? Are they using this as a form of self harm and not being upfront about that? In either of those two situations, they may be, in a weird way, undermining your consent. Not saying they're doing that, but I have to wonder why they'd offer that to you. I think above all else, the fact that you're open with this being something that you do is a good thing. Tell people in your life that this is something you do because I assume your goal is to not hurt people, and it can help you hold yourself accountable if you're upfront about it. And then I'd suggest creating an outlet for yourself for this that is safe and removed from real relationships. Either by roleplaying it with someone who's down for that, or writing down what you would say when lashing out at someone else and then going back and looking at what you wrote later. I think a lot of times the things we say when we're in pain can tell us a lot about our needs if we go back and think about them when we're calm. I hope that helps, and thanks for the ask, anon!

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massistocchifontana · 4 years

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The Sneakiness of Co-dependency and How It Doesn’t Allow You to Flourish in Your Authenticity

Hindsight is a beautiful thing and if I could have a conversation with my younger self, oh the things that I would tell myself. One of the things I’d cover would be this idea of co-dependency that has been engrained in our societal narrative, but yet we all fall victim to it.

The way relationships have been designed reinforces this idea of co-dependency and the simplest manner in which I can explain what it means in my view is the absolute removal of freedom. Additional characteristics of co-dependency would include an imbalance in the relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, narcissism, irresponsibility or under achievement, bad behaviours and negative thinking. The co-dependent person will often experience a feeling of high self-sacrifice, a consistent focus on other’s needs, suppression of one’s own emotions and the constant desire to fix other people’s problems. The person who identifies as co-dependent will often exhibit low self-esteem but this is not necessarily a result of the co-dependent relationship.

If we were going to view co-dependency on a spectrum with ego being on one end and co-dependent being on the other, the more ego driven we are the more prone we are not to fall into co-dependent relationships but instead create conditions in the other person to form a co-dependent bond. Whereas the co-dependent person will often feel under the control of the ego driven person. The interesting aspect to this kind of relationship is that both parties are usually aware of the co-dependent relationship but do not move out of it.

Co-dependent Ego

I’m mindful not to call the ego end of the spectrum narcissistic because the relationship with someone truly narcissistic leads to a amore abusive type of relationship which is not necessarily representative of the type of relationship we are discussing here.

Although the focus is on the individual who displays the co-dependent characteristics there is often a double bind where both parties benefit from this type of relationship. Both sides of the coin present a different meaning for both parties and this is something we need to be conscious of regardless which side of the coin we fall.

We can be the enabler or the enabled. Both of which have a payoff and a benefit. Ironically the benefit is safety in stagnancy. The repepetative cycle we fall into doesn’t allow us the freedom to grow because we always have an excuse. My partner doesn’t want to grow and is dependent on me, or I’m dependant on him and can’t grow.

When a couple has reached a point where there is a very clear co-dependency, and this can happen simply as a result of being together for an extended period of time, there is a total loss of freedom. This loss of freedom leads to stagnancy within the relationship and the individuals in the relationship no longer have an individualistic sense of self, but one that has melded with the other. They inevitably lose sight of who they were when they were single.

There is no newness and unless we can recalibrate ourselves to relate in a manner that is conscious, present and aware we detract from the feelings of love towards our partner. We become complacent in our manner of relating and this leads to being comfortable in the relationship. Please be mindful that this type of comfort is not something I believe we should be striving for. We should be striving for a relationship where our partner is pressing us to constantly go deeper and connect rather than allow our attention to float away and ultimately fly into the DM’s of another.

When we find ourselves in this situation it is far easier to either say we have fallen out of love for each other or we find trivial excuses that will disrupt the status quo if we choose otherwise a different path. We always need to be mindful to the “why” we are in relationships. This has to be something that is cultivated and really worked on consciously.

One of the most spectacular things for me is becoming observant in the relationship. Especially when I’ve been in a relationship for a long time. The joy of my partner needs to bring me joy, not in the manner that I am dependant on their joy to make me happy, but the simple presence of their joy should bring a lightness into the manner in which you both relate. The same has to be said for lightness in general, when we are in a position of knowing love and feeling love there should be an active need within us to share this love and in doing so brighten the lives of everyone in our world.

Our co-dependent journey has more than likely stemmed from our relationship with our parents and I know within my own journey co-dependency has presented itself unconsciously in my intimate relationships. The problem was always having a feeling of guilt and shame because the need for self-sacrifice for the others happiness was central to me, and this was where I didn’t feel I could honour myself and my own needs and desires. This is a position that is easily learnt when we are situated in our lives as rescuers and this becomes our default position in life. We see we are being rescuers but what we are actually doing is enabling the co-dependency in the other, and further reinforcing the guilt and shame emotions.

For me central to co-dependency is the lack of freedom. We can all feel this when we are in this kind of relationship but are so fearful of the loss of the other that we become inauthentic with our own needs and expectations. This is why many people shy away from discussion and arguing because this is usually when we vocalise what we’re wanting but comes out with a force of all the bottled-up emotions we’ve held back.

I believe that we should all as individuals reflect on ourselves and our own relationship with co-dependency and if we are in a relationship be bold enough to discuss this idea of co-dependency and how you can both as a healthy and mature couple discuss ways that you can regulate the hold that it has on the development of your relationship.

Deep and connected love with an intensity of scorching fire does not mean co-dependency. But co-dependency does not mean a deep and connected love with an intensity of scorching fire. It means the death to that love we so deeply crave to receive and give.

Via Con Dios

#co-dependency #co-dependent #marriage problems #relationship problems

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rochey1010 · 4 years

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Look whose back, back again. 🤗 Hi guys. 👋 back for my regular dose of rambling thoughts. 😚

So i wanted to make a post about S5 and the link to S6 and how well the show has set up what is playing out on screen right now. E.g. Eliott, Lucas, Daphne, Elu, Dasille, Lola etc.

So i think S5 really laid the groundwork beautifully in regards to the story/characters and how they evolved, regressed or found themselves on the journey they are now. They really suceeded with Eliott and where he is now in S6. And it has remained consistent to the characters we see onscreen and i must say in a very organic way.

I think i'll break this post into 2 parts, because my thoughts are too much and the posts are too long and i have a lot to say....😱

PART 1:

Lola/Daphne (sisters) so Lola only really showed up at the end but there were easter eggs of her arrival and the effect on other characters. So Daphne is distant and keeps running off throughout the season. She is stressed, worn out and neglecting herself. It's such a huge contrast to pretty pink perfectionist Daphne who swans around social and clique like. Assertive and overbearing at times. Holds a lot of pretenses and ignorance at others. But genuinely a kind hearted person. She's a mess here, she's washed out, withdrawn and looks sickly. First thought is yep Daphne's eating disorder is back. She's ignoring food and she's over exercising etc. And then at the party a girl shows up and Daphne spills to Bas that this is her sister and she's been away and is trouble. We have never seen Daphne's home. The main's world opens when we go home and see their secrets. That is when we truly learn who our main is.

And boy do we go home here to a death of an alcoholic mother who cheated on her husband, had another man's child and drank herself to the grave. A passive father who gave up long ago and has been worn down over the years into almost this depressed failure. Who has put the weight on his eldest daughter Daphne and has love but a casual indifference to the youngest daughter and her pain. Both parents put the youngest sister in a clinic when she was hurting herself, treated her as the problem instead of looking at the mess of themselves and acknowledging their neglect of their children and the turmoil Lola is suffering. Lola goes to a clinic, gets worse in that environment and comes home a wreck doing anything risky to feel something. Meanwhile mother never accepts she needs help and continues to destroy the family. Father continues to be feckless and Daphne has the strain of being the parent to 2 adult children.

Daphne loving her sister but being young, helpless, and scared, and trying to save her from self destruction by telling the parents Lola's secret. Lola loving Daphne but blinded by anger, self loathing, and powerlessness over her self destruction. And seeing such a betrayal from someone she could only rely on- her big sister who is also her parent too, let's face it. And needing to blame someone for the reason she is broken. Mum's dead, and she has no closure, thierry is a strange man who isn't her father and there's a huge disconnection. So Daphne is the best shot. She's the full blood daughter to Lola's black sheep. Lola's inadequacy is projected on to Daphne as Lola hates herself, can't be loved and wants connection but is bruised so badly (her colour aesthetic is purple for a reason) and scared of letting people under her skin for fear that they will fail her or reinforce her self loathing of herself. Jealousy is there because Lola doesn't feel a part of something, she's been away by force, seen as the family problem, and Daphne was there and not thrown to the wolves so to speak. The reminders of the home are to Lola that she was the sacrifice of the family because strong links are with blood only e.g. family photos.

Must stress about Lola that this is her pain so it's twisted as a self reflection of herself. She's wrong. People are there with their arms open but she has a blindspot right now because she's an addict and depressed and has a lot of anger. This is addict behaviour. The blame, denial, and learned helplessness in this young girl. The need to attack the world through herself. When Lola stands up and says "i'm an addict, i have choices and i've chosen to keep doing this. I can no longer blame everyone around me. This is my responsibility now. I need to get better and i need to do it for myself and because i am worth more" then Lola will be her own hero and the world will flourish around her. She captures broken and malformed things. This is her art reflected in herself and how she perceives the world, which is broken and damaged. Ok i just broke into a Lola character study. Sorry about that. 😑

Lola's presence is foreshadowed on screen too. She passes by Arthur at the concert. A hint that Lola alone parties. She also came from the bar. A hint that alcohol is important. Lola's in detention with the boy squad. She sits in the back. A hint of her disregarding rules and being a little upstart. And a hint that Lola will be an outsider to these people in S6. Then she walks in at the end in slap a bitch mode. The grand arrival. Alone with zero fucks to give. And can't sit straight so queer solidarity 🏳️‍🌈 and then we see the hint of the complex character we'll get to know, and the vulnerability. Looking on from the outside at this family that her sister has, so connected and supportive and reflected in Eliott's positive expression of his art. He has created a friendship mural of these people in the big cosmos, grounded through this special connection. Lola alone, isolated and yearning for a family of her own. S5 everybody. 😊

Daphne/Bas: ok don't hit me but i think i have an unpopular opinion. I feel Bas loves Daphne more than she does him. Like i know they'll prob show how much Dasille love each other by the end. It's just i've never felt it. I don't know if it's chemistry or the writing, or maybe i'm used to the epic physical soulmate Elu love. So when other couples are there it feels less ya know. I even feel that with Sofimane too. But the way they set the relationship up is him being creepy, sleazy, and obsessive in S3 and then character growth happening with him being genuine and wanting to change to be someone Daphne could want. And then she sees the effort and does. And Bas becomes a sweet and nurturing boyfriend.

But then obviously we're seeing them developed off screen so it's less. That was the problem too with Arthur/Alexia. But then in S5 she's distant, and actually physically pushing him off her at times. I always laugh my ass off when there's a moment at the van in S5 where Elu are talking of marriage and just generally being full on PDA, zero fucks for comfort, and grossly in love. And then beside them Bas is trying to cuddle Daphne and she looks annoyed with her arms up blocking him, and then distracting him with Arthur's arrival. Guys i think Elu ruined me for anyone else. 😄

And then Bas is so gung ho about forever and the farm, and a life with Daphne and she just doesn't feel like she's with him. I know she's struggling but Daphne just has never given me the feeling that she sees Bas as a life partner. That she has yet to meet her epic. I feel bad saying that though. 😔

And Bas shows his character growth with him being sweet, kind, caring throughout. Unpopular opinion incoming. Love what the show did with Bas but it's very black and white. Goes from one thing to another, heavy emphasis on the other now. Maybe it's just me but i need the grey and the flawed and complex. I find it much more fascinating and interesting to see the layers in the characters e.g. Eliott sweet sunshine but has a darkness, very flawed, messes up, huge insecurities and fears etc. I dunno, maybe it would be different if we saw a Bas POV season and i do love Bas but find his character to be flat.

Bas is desperate and sad, and he's trying to break through to Daphne. There's a real emphasis on him trying to help her. So if he turns out to be Benny (office parkour gif) well then you'll have seen the reason for it in this season 5. But basically his relationship with her is very strained in this season. And now in S6 he's unconditional and supportive but the strain is still there, but now we see why. I can't say anymore because i don't know but flavie said she comes between them in a way we won't understand right away. But basically whatever happens with Bas/Daphne. S5 everybody. ☺️

So i'll end it here and PART 2 is coming up. 👍

#skam france #skamfr

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klein-archive · 4 years

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Klein’s comments on John Bowlby’s idea of ‘affectionless characters’

27th November 2020

My latest find in the Melanie Klein archive consists of three typed pages of comments and notes on the work of John Bowlby (they constitute the whole of file PP/KLE/D.28, reproduced below). These pages are interesting in a number of ways, not least because I can’t recall another instance of Klein writing about Bowlby, the pioneer of attachment theory. Here, she discusses early separation – a topic emphasised by Bowlby – and depression, in relation to his psychopathological category of ‘affectionless characters’.

She follows her points concerning Bowlby with a short account of a sad clinical case of her own, namely a boy she had helped, briefly, many years earlier. She appears to have been enlisted by a school to help a child displaying very difficult behaviour, but then to have been forced to subject the child to an unwanted separation when the analysis was stopped.

None of this material is dated, but she makes reference to, ‘a delinquent case I treated 24 years ago. He was one of my first cases.’ This is clearly the unnamed 12-year-old delinquent child referred to in her 1927 paper, ‘Criminal tendencies in normal children’ (Klein 1927, pp. 181-185). She does not mention in that paper exactly when she had treated him, but since she describes him here as an early case, it was likely to have been during the early 1920s, thus dating this file, D.28, to the mid-1940s.

This fragment of text may have originally been prepared for a meeting of the British Psychoanalytical Society, or perhaps a conference at which a paper of Bowlby’s was to be discussed; Klein was possibly working out her discussion points in advance. Bowlby’s most famous work on childhood delinquency was his 1944 paper, ‘Forty–Four Juvenile Thieves’. However, as D.28 seems to have been written slightly later than this, the discussion may refer to another paper that he gave on a similar theme, which Klein attended.

Bowlby was influenced by Klein and had supervision from her during his analytic training, but his thinking later evolved in a different direction from hers. His work gave rise to attachment theory, and he was intensely concerned with environmental influences on the child, particularly maternal deprivation. His approach is more phenomenological than that of Klein, who remained more focused on the internal world.

Klein’s interest in the environment, in contrast to Bowlby’s, centred on the way in which it interacted with internal phantasy in the construction of the internal object world. These differing perspectives unfortunately gave rise to controversy between followers of Bowlby and Klein during their lifetimes. Today it is far easier for us to see their work as complementary, and as equally important in different ways. The material in D.28 suggests, quite clearly to me, Klein’s respect for Bowlby, and her wish to engage seriously with his ideas.

D. 28 [Images 1-3]

Re Dr Bowlby’s Papers

1) Define his view about the early separation from the mother as characteristic for delinquency and the foremost cause.

2) This is a very interesting point. Since early separation also leads to other developments, like depression etc, it would be interesting to study the reasons why in particular cases it leads to these different outcomes.

3) Classification. It appears that the various categories are closely related to depression (except the schizoid). For if we consider the conclusions to the study of the “affectionless character” there would be very little doubt that in Dr B’s view it is an expression of a powerful defence against depression and would therefore fall under a development predominately under the influence of the manic defence.

4) The importance of early depression in all these failures of development. I would repeat something I have often suggested, that the early fundamental ways of dealing with infantile depression have an important bearing on the particular nature of the neurosis or psychosis which might develop. On the other hand, if the infantile depression is successfully dealt with at an early stage, the foundation is laid for normal development.

5) There are many thoughts which are stimulated by this paper, but I just wish to raise one more point. The connection between depression and stealing. Dr B has suggested various connections but one which seems very fundamental and can be traced in, I would have thought, all depressive cases is that the destruction and death of the internal object, including the fear of death of the subject, reinforces the need for taking the good object in, and that in this connection the fantasies of depressives can become very violent and may easily attach themselves to stealing or breaking open of an object.

In this connection I would like shortly to mention a delinquent case I treated 24 years ago. He was one of my first cases, and looking back I see what a well of information he could have been, had I understood more. But even so I learnt a great deal from him.

The analysis lasted about three months. His age was about twelve. The parents [were] both dead. From one foster home to another. Sent to me by school authorities because of breaking open of school cupboard, and sexual attacks on little girls. One could describe him as schizoid. No emotions apparent. Apparently no way of finding any access to him. A mechanical repetition of slogan “lies don’t do any good” etc, without any feeling of conviction of his own. Nevertheless a transference was established. I learnt from him important facts: He had been forced into sexual relations by a much older sister whom he also hated because she had been bad to the mother and had neglected her during the mother’s severe illness. It appears that the boy had taken care of the mother, and after her death could not be found until it was discovered that he had locked himself in with the body of the mother. During the short analysis (checked by the school authorities who would not let him come anymore when he improved) he had begun to develop an interest in being a locksmith – in contrast to breaking into cupboards. In the course of the analysis he did develop an emotional attitude towards myself and emotions generally came to the fore. There seems little doubt that his breaking open the cupboards had to do with the necessity to get hold of something good to replace the mother. Also with his guilt about greedy attacks on the mother in the past. I am not sure what happened to him later on. He would have represented the type of “affectionless character” delinquent referred to by Dr B. Therefore I think it is of interest to see the specific connection to depression found in this case.

-------------------------

References

Bowlby, J. (1944) ‘Forty-Four Juvenile Thieves: Their Characters and Home-Life’. International Journal of Psychoanalysis 25: 107-128.

Klein, M. (1927) ‘Criminal Tendencies in Normal Children’. Chapter 8 of Love, Guilt and Reparation and Other Works 1921-45. The Writings of Melanie Klein: Vol 1. London: Hogarth.

#john bowlby #manic defence #depression #affectionless #child analysis #attachment theory #child delinquency #melanie klein

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prorevenge · 5 years

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Hurt my friend? I'll force you to drop out of college

So in my first year of university, I lived in a flat with five other girls. Next-door to our flat was a studio flat, where one girl lived alone. During the first week, she joined our flat for a party, and became friends with all six of us. Let's call her Mary. Mary had been long-term dating a boy who lived in another county in an open relationship. She was very fun to be around, and we all got on really well.

Time goes by and she visits us regularly for company. Through this she ends up meeting most of my friends, including my best friend, who we'll call Sarah (as she has a part to play in this story). Mary opens up about her shitty family, and how her parents never taught her to cook anything -- so me being me, I offer for her to come round one night and I'll teach her how to cook her first meal. We agree on a simple stir fry to start us off, and I bought the ingredients. On the night, she tells me about her relationship; and how she's looking to experiment with specifically women (and how her bf had given her permission); and how she found asian people particularly attractive. She was well aware that me and my friend group are mostly LGBT girls, and I'm pretty clearly asian. I'm a kind of stereo-typically attractive woman; and have experienced similar uncomfortable situations with men many times... so without her directly asking in the first place, I made it clear I wasn't into doing that and she happily told me that was totally okay.

She tells me about her passion for becoming a nurse, and more about her bf; and how she gets a little jealous sometimes, causing her to look through his phone often when they're together. That struck me as really unhealthy, so I told her it was. She found it weird I thought it was a bad thing to do. That should have been a huge red flag for me there and then, but I'm a big idiot who always tries to see the best in people. I tell her to maybe stop that habit and just trust him (as the way she talked about it made her sound like she was an r/ nicegirl who somehow scored with some poor pushover of a dude and it worried me a bit).

As the night goes on, my flatmates all arrive and hang out. When everyone was there, Mary let as know that our front door closes really loud when we leave it to shut automatically, and directly through the wall was her bed. It wakes her up often, so we should always slowly, manually close the door ourselves so as not to wake her up ever (she gets very tired as she's doing a nursing degree with crazy hours). We all agree to do this for her because it's not much effort for us, and the night ends.

Fast forward a few months and I need to find a place to live in my second year of university. I go looking for houses with Mary, as Sarah was staying in the same place for the next year and all my current flatmates had already arranged stuff (I had left it late like a fool). A lot of my friends had spare places in flats, but like Mary I was going to try to rent in a house, so we go to visit a 2-person small house on the nice side of town with her parents. It's lovely, I can *just* afford it and everything's fine except Mary keeps getting angry with her parents for what looked like no good reason. I would understand some hostility if you grew up with such a bad family, but she was actively berating and shouting at her parents in front of the estate agent. I don't know why I overlooked it... probably because my own family wasn't great and I still thought that much negativity was okay? Fuck, I dunno.

The estate agents' office we went to seemed a little dodgy, which made me feel uneasy. Mary desperately wanted a place to live though as she had nobody else to go with (in hindsight I freaking wonder why); and she pressured me very hard to sign. So I reluctantly do the tenancy agreement, and we're set to move in next year, no backing out now, deposit laid, all that. I'm a little nervous, but I'm convinced Mary has some good in her heart and that she can learn to be a better person while we live together with my love and encouragement. She likes my company because I'm always trying to put a smile on her face even when she's down, and I'm hoping she'll learn she can be happy when she's with the right people for her.

She tells me that she doesn't let her boyfriend interact with other girls, and she doesn't let me see him when he visits. She outright asks me to try sexual stuff with her a few times over the months, using her depression as a pity card. I say no each time, and worry starts to grow inside me about how I was going to have to move in with this person... I felt grateful our bedroom doors would have locks on them.

My flatmates started getting uncomfortable around her. They were all straight, and her lowkey sexual behaviour towards them made them ask me if that was okay; and made me irritated that she was reinforcing that whole gay-predator stereotype on them. We were her only friends though, so I told everyone to just try and help her learn to be better, as long as they were okay and comfortable with that. My kind flatmates all did just that, bless them! The fact Mary was getting good influences from these people boosted my assurance that she'd break out of her toxic attitude just like how I and so many other people did as teens.

One night, I get a message from Mary. She says she's feeling incredibly depressed, and asks if she could come over for company. It was late as hell, so I just left it on unread and went back to trying to sleep. About half an hour later, I hear scuffling coming from the other side of the wall, where Mary's apartment is; something very unusual. I felt bad for ignoring her message, but I was tired and couldn't bear any of her burdens tonight, so I let it go and went to sleep. We were meeting the next day anyway to discuss our housing situation for next year over a cup of tea.

The following morning, I wake up to see a BILLION messages from Sarah. Apparently, Mary called Sarah over since Mary was feeling depressed and needed company. Sarah is a strong and tough person, but our first year of university was a stressful time for her and her head was a bit of a mess, and she was uncomfortable in her own body. Even though it was late, she went over to Mary's place, where it was weirdly boiling hot (Mary cranked up the central heating no doubt). This meant Sarah had to strip down to just her tank top... and I won't spare you the details, but Mary peer-pressured Sarah into getting into Mary's double bed together in a "girly sleepover" type way, and then did something very illegal. Sarah didn't know what to do, and was too scared to leave afterwards. She had a horrible, horrible night; and sneaked out once Mary was asleep.

I'm a passionate person, I'd say, but I'm not generally angry. I learned that when you look like me, nobody takes you seriously when you get angry. However, I was shamelessly pissed off. Mary was being a pretty bad friend recently, and that final act of shittiness set me COMPLETELY over the edge and then some.

Despite that, Sarah took priority. I messaged the flat group chat with a "block Mary on social media, I'll explain when I get back," while Sarah and I went to the student support office and explained everything. She was traumatised as hell, and seeing strong Sarah completely break down over something Mary had done made me absolutely fucking livid. I felt this crazy mix of sadness, pity, and pure rage; seeing my sweet best friend in such a state. She did nothing wrong and had been going through some tough times - it was the last thing on earth she needed. She didn't want to press charges as her family had no money, there was nothing she could do.

I needed to get out of the tenancy agreement for next year. I was absolutely kicking myself for signing it in the first place. I went into that estate agents' office with little-to-no plan, other than "get out in any way possible, even if it means flirting your way through." It wasn't pretty and I felt awful, but somehow, I managed. I was free from living with her at the expense of my day and dignity, which made me even more pissed off.

The arranged time of our meeting at her apartment was approaching. I was well-aware of how I'd just absolutely fucked her over for next year by backing out of that tenancy agreement. I was fine though, I had several offers from friends in apartments to come live with them, so I just had to say goodbye to the idea of living in a house. Outside the corner where her and my front doors to our apartments are, I send a message to my flat's chat saying I won't be long and I'm almost home. I knock on Mary's door, and she lets me in. The sight of her face makes me want to spontaneously combust right there, but for the sake of my pacifist lifestyle, I hold it together. Inside her flat, I calmly tell her that because of what she did I would not be moving in with her next year, and the tenancy agreement was terminated.

She EXPLODES at me, and outright denies everything. That made my blood boil; I trust Sarah with my life and the experience of her relieving all that nasty crap was fucking harrowing. All I had done was make Mary food and talk about life with her and try to help her be better and thought she was making progress, but she was going MENTAL at ME after SHE had done one of the worst things you can do, saying personal things like "Are you fucking kidding me?! You ended it with ME because of what some OTHER person said, without talking to ME about it!?? What does that say about YOU?! What kind of person does that make YOU? How selfish do you have to be?!" And then some more personal stuff about how I'm a failure as a student and my choice in academia would lead me nowhere and how I look ugly, stuff that would really hurt your self esteem if you're not ridiculously self-assured like I am. It pissed me off even more that she would try to hurt me into thinking I was wrong, though. Some lovely toxic manipulation right there.

So for the first time since I was a kid, I lost it at someone. I let loose on all the things I disliked about her; yelled back that she was a terrible person for what she did to her boyfriend, for not seeing anything wrong with what she did to Sarah, for being manipulative as hell, and she was lucky the police weren't up her ass right now. I told her to fuck off, that she wasn't getting anything from me or my flat any more, that she was never going to be a nurse with a personality like that; and then, on a really awful personal note... that she was crazy for doing something so fucking awful just because she wasn't hot enough to score with me or Sarah.

I saw her expression twist, and it was the ugliest I'd ever seen anyone look. She reached an ultrasonic pitch screeching stuff at me, but I just stormed out her flat while she was still talking.

Back in my flat, I see 4/5 flatmates at the kitchen table with cups of tea, waiting for me. They asked me how it went... and I told them we were ignoring Mary from now on, because if any of them wanted to talk to her, I'd want to cut them out of my life as well. The sighs of relief from the table filled me with sweet validation. Then, the last flatmate loudly arrives through the front door. Mary is crying and wailing behind her at the other side of the doorway. We watch flatmate 6 pose dramatically as the huge, heavy door swings shut behind her with a massive SLAM. The racket Mary makes becomes quiet and muffled. Flatmate smiles at us, and we all cheer and yell and hug together.

After that, we didn't bother gently closing the door for her, and since we knew her timetable, scheduled parties for her prime sleeping time; where lots of people would be loudly storming in and out the flat and music would be blasting. I don't even like parties, lmao.

Because she did that, Mary now has no friends, no sleep, and no accommodation for the upcoming year. We told her boyfriend what she had done via facebook, so no boyfriend too.

Her academic life was effectively ruined from then on. The lack of sleep meant her grades and attendance plummeted. Her personal life was completely dead all of a sudden. We didn't care, and kept doing whatever we wanted with no consideration for her life. She dropped out of university before the semester ended, and I haven't heard from her since.

I just finished my dissertation in some macroevolutionary morphological analysis, and my side-hobby as an illustrator on the internet is doing so well now (this is a side-acc so you'll never know who I am :P) that I don't need a job any more to pay for everything while I'm studying. Sarah fell in love with a beautiful girl and they've been dating for over a year now, she's doing amazing and has already been accepted into postgraduate study with near-perfect grades.

(source) story by (/u/mifukichan)

#prorevenge #by /u/mifukichan #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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wern · 5 years

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ok here are some of the things ive literally just been ruminating about at really high speeds..

am i going too far in armchair diagnosing the ppl i know? specifically i was thinking about how i think my dad might have bpd, either instead of or with his npd. and i was thinking about how i should look into the issue of codependency because my mom was/is DEFINITELY a codependent caretaker to both my father (who has npd/bpd, tourettes syndrome, adhd, ocd, ptsd, something else i might be forgetting -- all but the PDs are professional diagnoses, and psychiatrists often hold back PD diagnoses from patients) and my stepfather as well (who hasnt had a job in 20 years and can't really leave the house anymore, is diagnosed with depression and ptsd, has very low mobility due to weight so even his past household responsibilities are now performed by his kids).

the codependency idea might help explain why she did nothing when she found out my stepfather was innapropriate with me when i was a teenager. i can't understand wanting to be partnered with someone who acted like that, especially since I see her as like, extremely virtuous? but maybe to her the important thing is that she continues to be a carer. it all might help explain why i struggle so much to be independent. she always said she regretted doing so much for me as a kid, and i had a veerry anxious attachment style with her as a child. I still have that attachment style.

anyways, is it helping me to try to "figure out" these diagnoses like a puzzle? it's not like im trying to fix the situation, it's just i get excited about the idea that i can somehow better explain and predict their behaviour. it's like in linguistics, you want to be able to explain the data you have, and correctly predict the data you don't have. unrelatedly, in the case of my dad it does help me feel less crazy because it backs up the idea that he was (and still is) gaslighting me and treating me badly.

but do i need to keep looking for proof of that? i already know it's true, and my mom says he did the same exact thing to her. is my interest unhealthy? i already know he's a sick manipulative uncontrolled mess. do i need to personally figure out the mechanisms behind all his dysfunctions?

or is it just that abnormal psychology is an interest of mine, and that he is an excellent example of many dysfunctions, and a good opportunity to figure out these "puzzles"?

the ruminating/armchair-diagnosing also sometimes helps me to understand my own many dysfunctions and diagnoses. right now im trying to figure out whether my "tics" are akin to tourettes tics or if maybe it's just a manifestation of my ocd. because i often perform these tics voluntarily, to try to clear my mind of unwanted thoughts or memories. tourettes tics are meant to be "post-voluntary" (i need to look into that term more), and my dad's tics have always seemed much more unconscious, robotic, and reflexive than what i do. and while unwanted/intrusive images do go along with tourettes, are the tics always a neutralizing response? or can tourette's tics come on their own? mine don't.

for me i get these very detailed and emotional flashbacks to a repertoire of moments where i feel i acted wrong or embarrassed myself. they bring really strong emotions, and i refer to them as "flashbacks" because it's not like just remembering that it happened. i can and do sometimes remember these moments without having "flashbacks" to them, and in those cases they don't carry a lot of anxiety (like, they carry normal amounts), and i don't perform any tic.

i guess my original question was "What if every family is like this and I'm just overanalyzing??" but now that I've written all this I'm like. k nvm obviously there are some serious pathologies going on here im not imagining it. But i know i'll have to remind myself of all of this again tomorrow!! I guess the answer is that both things are true: Yes my whole family has all these disorders and it may help me to figure them out, and Yes by continuing to ruminate on these issue I'm reinforcing my compulsive need to check that I'm not imagining things. Dialectics! See, i did learn something in dialectical behaviour therapy

anyways i am still thinking about this and have more thoughts on all this but i think i need to stop lol. if u have any opinions on any of this pls feel free to tell mee!! sorry for the long post

#psychology #personal #th #actuallyadhd #anxiety #long post

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whatthehellistherapy · 5 years

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Interprofessional learning and practise. APT010l003Y

Interprofessional learning and practise. APT010l003Y (1443 words)

Dramatherapists, whether you’re still in training or have been a registered practitioner in this field for years, we all ‘kind of’ know that other arts therapies’ techniques can creep into our work. We are often encouraging our clients to embody their experiences and feelings and I’m sure you have a stack of arts materials, a box of small world objects and a drum (at the very least) that all make regular appearances in your sessions. We borrow from other modalities regularly, but what’s the link? How relevant are the skills found in the related professions to the work we do with our clients, and to us as therapist? And why is it that they cross over into our field of work seemingly so easily?

I’ve got two left feet, never got the end of ‘three blind mice’ on the recorder at school and can barely draw a half decent stick man, so how can I incorporate dance movement psychotherapy, music therapy, art psychotherapy and or play therapy into my work as a dramatherapist? And should I even bother? Can’t we just stick to what we know and draw on our knowledge and experience using character, story and script work?

I had the opportunity to attend workshops for all other modalities within arts therapy with the aim of gaining some further understanding of why I often incorporate at least some of their techniques in my own work with clients of all ages, across broad and varied settings. The first thing that really struck me about the arts therapies is that they all encourage a type of creativity that often comes naturally to children. When thinking about the development of a very young child before any sort of cognitive understanding or clarity, there often comes sound, movement, play and creativity, all of which can be linked to a means of communication. This concept resonated with Sue Jennings’s developmental paradigm of ‘Embodiment, Projection and Role’ and lectures and research suddenly came hurtling back and reminding me of the importance of understanding a client’s early interactions in relation to self and other.

One of the first things mentioned in the music therapy workshop was the idea of being ‘along side’ a client without the use of words, communicating through a ‘transcendence of language’ and ‘music links with our innermost emotional, spiritual and most private selves, and yet is also a social experience.’ (Stige and Bunt, 2014)

I learnt that a lot of research has been done into the very earliest stages of communication and there is an inherent musicality in pre-verbal infant/carer interactions. During this particular workshop I was struck by the realisation of how powerful and evocative music can be in relation to feelings. You know, every time you hear that specific song and you suddenly feel like you’re headlining your very own world tour? Or the moment in a film when you’re holding back tears and then the music starts and suddenly your popcorn is swimming in a small salty river of your own making? And haven’t we all stared moodily out of the window of a bus or car and imagined ourselves in a music video? No? Just me? Well, if we admit it or not, music can affect us. It can move us, and it can be a vital tool in helping us connect to emotions we may not be able to vocalise and sometimes they may even be feelings we aren’t fully aware of.

(the picture shows just some of the instruments used during the music therapy workshop)

I found a similar connection during my participation in the dance movement psychotherapy workshop. I learnt that the therapists’ intention is for the client to embody an experience rather than rely solely on words. We were invited to take part in a pair exercise where one person leads, moving as they wish with a motivation or an emotion in mind, and their partner aims to simply be ‘along-side.’ They are not controlling or changing the client’s behaviour but taking the time to notice and support them physically. After all, the therapists’ role is not to try to ‘fix’ but to be ‘with’ the client. This reinforced for me, the importance of considering the whole person when working therapeutically. I have personally found I difficult at times to work in the body both in training to be a dramatherapist and in my previous training as an actor but I also respect and understand how important it is for this type of creative therapeutic work. It is vital we learn to notice what a client is communicating beyond what they may or may not be saying and developing these skills can be particularly important, especially when working with clients who are none verbal or who have limited verbal communication skills. The idea of working with the whole client in therapy, establishing a link between body and mind, which is less commonly found in more traditional and more cognitive therapeutic approaches, appeared paramount across all the arts therapies and is an idea supported by Bessel van der Kolk, in ‘The body keeps the score.’ This book explores how trauma is manifested in the body, it has links to some illness and disease, and it is interesting to see how that may influence our work with our clients.

I experienced a theme of transcendence of language across all the arts therapies as each workshop focused at some point on the therapists’ ability to be along side the client in their expression of self. It was clearly less important to focus on what the client created and much more about what they were communicating. The importance is not on the creation of a piece of music, a dance or a sculpt but it is the lived experience between the client and therapist that offers the most value and space for therapeutic change.

The play therapy workshop put emphasis on giving the child permission, not to change or question their choices but to be alongside, to allow them to play and to be creative. This brought up my desire to ‘fix’ or to ‘make better’ and I often find myself wanting to step into the role of the rescuer and regularly explore this in supervision. The notion that there is no right and wrong is an idea I found, present throughout all modalities and something I learnt in each of these workshops. I found this vital in helping to establish not only a safe space for the child or client to work but also to enable a relationship between client and therapist to form. Arguably one of the most important factors for therapy.

I entered these workshops with concern over my ability, or lack thereof (thanks shadow) and thoughts such as, ‘I can’t dance, am I too fat for leggings? I’m no good at art. I can’t play an instrument and what if I play out of tune?’ all allowed my self-judgement to creep in before I’d even started. It made me think of how our life experiences, including experience of trauma, contribute to the development and growth of the shadow and what this can mean in terms of our relationship to creativity, and in turn, therapy.

The art therapist began by sharing a quote from the Peter London book, ‘No more second-hand art’ and stated ‘Meaning, not beauty, is what we are after.’ This really resonated with my own sense of judgement and the pressure I place on myself to be ‘good enough.’ In relation to my clients, I noticed how important it is to allow their feelings to be present and how a non-judgemental and permissive approach found throughout the arts therapies can help to hold a client throughout the work.

So, how and why do we incorporate these other modalities in our work? Well, I realised through attending these workshops that, in one way or another that they all go hand in hand. Creativity is not limited. It isn’t about choosing and rigidly sticking to one form or the other. As creative therapists we have a set of tools which change and grow as we learn and understand and they can be adapted to our clients. We, as humans are not mind then body. We are one whole being, we feel as well as think. Our emotions live in us and not apart from us. Creativity is usually the first and the most natural, innate means of communication and if we can keep this in mind and continue to understand its importance, we can enable our clients to work with their emotion, their life experiences, their trauma and pave the way for understanding, permission and positive change.

Bibliography

Stige, B. Bunt, L. (2014) ‘Music therapy: an art beyond words’, 2nd edition, London, Routledge.

Van Der Kolk, B. (2014) ‘The Body Keeps the Score’, UK, Penguin.

London, P. (1989) ‘No More Second-Hand Art: awakening the artist within,’ USA, Shambhala Publications

#dramatherapy artpsychotherapy dancemovementpsychotherapy playtherapy musictherapy

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neverendingwhyy · 5 years

Text

In this piece of writing I am going to try to recount my counselling session I had this morning, as I feel it was a pivotal moment in my therapy and journey to learning more about myself, my trauma and why I am the way I am. I am going to paraphrase in some areas but none of this will be exaggerated nor will anything be left out unless I feel it was completely irrelevant. So, here goes nothing…

I sat down in my usual spot in her therapy room, completely unexpecting of where today's session would lead. As per usual, I had not planned or thought about what I was going to talk about today, and just let the words flow spontaneously from my mouth. First I confessed my reluctance to go to work since I became pregnant, as well as having a severe back injury that my job makes so much worse.

This lead to me saying:

"I have another confession to make… I downloaded Tinder the other day."

My therapist - let's call her P for private - asked me to explain why I introduced this information as a confession.

"Well, over the past 10 years of my life, the absolute longest I have been able to stay consistently single is the better part of 2 months, yet throughout every relationship no matter how long, short, serious or casual it was, no matter how much I enjoyed or despised it, I longed to be alone. I had the desire to almost date myself in a way, like to learn who and what I really am when I am not half of someone else. Yet every time I finally get the opportunity to do so, I'm immediately, consciously or not, seeking a new connection; all the while preaching to myself and friends and family that I am not at all looking for a relationship. But no matter what, within weeks I am someone else's partner, sometimes reluctantly so due to my inability to turn people down, and sometimes willingly, telling myself this time things will be different. Despite this constant longing to be alone, this idea that I intrinsically despise affection, love, romance, being wanted, I always find myself behaving in a way that would portray anything but those desires or beliefs. I'll find myself back on a dating app in less than a week after becoming single, and my bio every time will state that "I don't know why I'm on here" even though subconsciously I probably knew very well what I was on there for (thought still unable to articulate it to this day, if there is a reason). A severe case of cognitive dissonance, and it annoys the shit out of me. About a week or two ago, I was watching a show and there was an intimate scene with cuddling and kissing. Now, most of my life, due to my personal experiences with... "sex", I have always hated those scenes in movies, always thinking the whole time "Oh just get on with the film already" but for the first time ever, I watched this scene and instead of being irritated by it, I found myself feeling jealous, realising I had a craving for the physical affection that was on the screen in front of me, someone to cuddle and kiss. So that night I downloaded Tinder, and Bumble."

P took this in and asked me:

"What is it about the part of you that wants the affection? Where do you think that part of you comes from? Does this part of you have a certain age?"

I replied, after thinking for a while:

"I guess it would be my seven-year-old self."

P: "Why do you think it is your 7-year-old self?"

Me: "I presume it's because that is the first time I experienced being somewhat sexualised, experiencing something that no 7-year-old should experience, and all I wanted after that experience was someone to hug me and tell me what had happened was not okay."

P: "Are there other behaviours in your life that you can attribute to this 7-year-old part of yourself? What are they?"

I paused:

Me: "I guess this is the part of me that would walk from home to town and back again completely alone, clubbing by myself and getting beyond wasted, and yet still being surprised and damaged when I was subsequently taken advantage of. This is the part of me that chooses to willingly walk home at 3am through the dark, secluded park rather than the open road with people to hear if something were to go wrong, naively telling myself that the decision to do so was to prove to myself I could fight should I need to. The part of me that is a total doormat, and accepts any type of attention from any type of person, even when I know full-well how bad the situation could turn in terms of my safety."

P: "How about you choose an object in the room to represent this part of yourself."

I looked around the room and saw the perfect object, a cute little teddy bear with outstretched arms, as if it were asking for a hug. P asked me to then find an object to represent the part of myself that wants nothing to do with relationships, to be self-sufficient and devote my emotions to me, myself and I, only. Scanning the room again, which is filled with cute little knick-knacks, ornaments, art, plants, teddies, I spotted a little china cat, sitting tall and proud, which I thought was perfect because to me a cat represents "I do not need you".

P asked me go over to the teddy and hold it, after placing the cat in the seat I was originally sat in.

She asked: "What does this part of you want from the part of you that wants to be alone, and self-sufficient? Try to use an "I" statement and ask for what you want, or need, from this other part of you."

I replied, after thinking for a while:

"I need guidance, I need to learn how to stop being so impulsive, to stop seeking gratification that I know is toxic or false. I need to learn delayed positive reinforcement, I need to learn how to say no when I want or need to, and I need to learn and implement these lessons fast so that I can pass them onto my child."

P: "Now come back to your original seat and put yourself in the shoes of your other self. You've just been asked for help from this little 7-year-old you. How do you respond?"

Me: "The first thought that comes to mind is to almost laugh and say 'You're a lost cause, there's no helping you'."

I then paused, knowing that this isn't the right way to feel about myself if I want to make any progress whatsoever. Something suddenly clicked inside my head, I genuinely felt the switch flick and I immediately gained a new perspective. All of a sudden, I looked over at this little teddy bear, and instead of seeing my little 7-year-old self, the child that I was so used to thinking so negatively of, I saw a child that was all of a sudden no longer me, but just an innocent little 7-year-old girl to whom I had no relation to whatsoever.

I said:

"Okay, something just switched in me and I don't hold that view anymore, I don't know if this is because I'm a mother-to-be, or for some other reason, but all of a sudden all I can see is an innocent little girl who doesn't know any better, a little girl I don't know, and I have the overwhelming urge to do absolutely whatever I can to help her feel better, treat herself better, and to not follow the path that I followed."

P: "What is it you would do for her?"

Me: "I would to sit her on my lap, should she be okay with that, and hug her and never let go. I would to tell her it's not her fault, that she was innocent and didn't deserve to go through the things she went through."

P: "Now If you think about it, what mother would allow her 7-year-old daughter to go on Tinder? What mother would allow her 7-year-old to walk into town at night all alone, through dark and secluded routes?"

This hit me hard, what she was telling me was: the parts of myself that would engage in these risky, self-sabotaging behaviours, were merely the acts of my 7-year-old self, who innocently just didn't know any better. My 7-year-old self who knew that she was on this earth to be used over and over again for others satisfaction and pleasure, because that was all she had been shown, through many experiences as she grew in physical age. That this little 7-year-old repeated those behaviours for years and years and years, not knowing that all along there was always the opportunity to change the path she lead and followed.

At this point I think P could tell that this was hitting me quite hard, she asked:

"How are you doing?"

I said: "Honestly this is really hard, I feel raw, like my skin has been peeled off and I am sat here fully exposed, and that if anything touches me it will burn like hell. But this is good, I feel good, this is absolutely necessary, and hard work is the only way I'm ever going to grow. I also feel the need to go home and write about this because this is huge for me in terms of gaining a new perspective, and moving closer to possibly being able to forgive myself for the life I've lead and to hopefully move the fuck on."

Sadly I don't remember much else of the session following this core segment, but I know none of it was as important as this experience. I really hope that if anyone reads this, that it may help them to realise, or at least be open to the chance that, other ways of viewing yourself and your decisions and mistakes do exist. That the way you have viewed yourself and put yourself down most of your life, doesn't have to be the only way you treat yourself forever. Now, this crazy experience only happened today, so of course I'm yet to put the learnings into actions, but the story itself is enough to at least get me thinking in a new light, which I am so grateful for the opportunity to do so. I have spent more of my life than I can remember, viewing myself as the biggest most useless waste of oxygen that there is, and sadly I would say I do still feel that way currently, however I can feel those thoughts and beliefs losing their power over me, and I can see a light for the first time in a very long time. There is hope for change in my behaviours, patterns, decisions, and I can't wait to explore the new opportunities and perspectives that this experience has opened up for me.

If you read all of this, thank you - and if you feel it was a total waste of your time, sorry lol

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