#but i've been dealing with a headache this whole process

[ceasarslegion]

Insane how many things improve when you have a good doctor who listens to you and treats you as a whole person instead of a condition. Mine knows how important my sexual function is for my quality of life so he didn't prescribe anything that causes sexual dysfunction even though he urged me to take an antidepressant and a lot of those have that side effect. Even if that's like, not related to the issue I saw him about he didn't want to mess up the other parts of my life in the process of treating one problem.

Like, I know this site hates doctors but I can't help but think that it's misdirected anger for a for-profit system that causes overworked doctors and personnel shortages and unnecessary barriers to care and a medical education system that makes it implausibly difficult for people with chronic conditions that would make them more likely to empathize with others and expose the other students to friends with those conditions to graduate. I honestly have never thought that doctors themselves are the problem because I've seen what happens when you have one that's good.

And no, don't assume I've never dealt with bad doctors. I've been accused of making things up for attention to get our of things (telling an ER doctor my headache was giving me slurred speech and confusion during finals week), drug seeking (asking for a legal prescription refill of something alberta specifically classifies as a class A narcotic and no other province does), being "non compliant" (for not being able to get a wood shard the size of long Island out of my knuckle joint on my own and needing a walk in clinic to deal with it), and been outright told what I was experiencing wasn't real. Not by my current doctor but by past ones. And I still don't believe that like, modern medicine is somehow bad. I think it's good when it's applied correctly, and I think the current system of application is what's bad.

And for God's sake don't take shitty doctors as evidence that every doctor ever is like that

[legendofmorons]

Hey sorry if this is kinda specific and weird but could you do one where the reader gets their time of the month and Twilight takes care of them. (I get it this makes you uncomfortable I got my time of the month and it has hit me like a truck and I just want some tooth rotting fluff rn no pressure tho). Sorry if this is weird. Love your stuff have a lovely day 🩷

Personal hero (Twilight)

Of course I can honey! I'm sorry that you feel gross.

This doesn't make me uncomfortable, though. I'm familiar with the problem. I hope this helps and that you feel better.

Pairing: Twilight and AFAB! Reader (can be romantic or platonic, but either way, he loves you a lot)

Rating: G

Summary: When your period hits- you're left feeling it like a semi-truck. Thankfully, Twilight is right there to help you.

Warnings: AFAB! Reader, menstruation/ period, blood, a little angst maybe??

Other: If I missed anything, please let me know.

About the nicknames: Pumpkin seems pretty straightforward, it's one I heard all the time from my mama.

Bug in this case is a shortened version of love bug, another one from my childhood.

I've heard both terms used for all types of loved ones, from kids to friends to partners.

-------

You shouldn't be so surprised to see the blood in your underwear- but you are. Between the unexpected quest and the busy schedule you've had to adjust to, you just have been way too busy to pay attention to when you'd next start your period.

Thankfully, you have a few pads in the bag that had travelers with you - but only three. And that isn’t really enough. But you have one for now.

(Thank God you carry a few emergency pads for yourself and others.)

After putting in ypur pad and washing your hands you return to the group. (At least the cramps, moodswing, and genral soreness makes more sense.)

You only walk another hour before you arrive at the inn in Hateno in Wild's hyrule. Rooms are rented, and you're paired up with Twilight.

The first thing you do is collapse into your bed, groaning as you let your body relax.

"You don't look so good, pumpkin." Twilight says as he sits on the edge of your bed.

"I don't feel so good." You admit.

"Can I help?"

"Not really..."

"What's going on?"

You look at him, trying to decide if it's even worth telling him about. He doesn't seem like the type of person to shame anyone about this kind of thing.

But still. It's a little embarrassing that you aren't better prepared and that whole- awful period symptoms ranging from cramps to killer headaches and vomiting.

And if you're a heavy bleeder? It's no wonder some people call it shark week.

"It's um-... I'm bleeding?" You blurt out- not sure how to word it or what people call it in his time.

"What? Where- (Y/n) you can't let yourself bleed without getting it looked at!"

Twilight is pale, and he's very obviously nervous. He looks like he might start trying to single handedly evolve an instant healing spell for anyone to use.

"It's not that!" Ypu say quickly, "It's just that time of the month."

Twilight blinks, taking a moment to process and calm down.

Then he all clicks for him.

"Oh! Oh. Wait, do you have enough stuff for it?"

"Not really. I'll have to grab more tomorrow-"

"I'll go! You don't have to. I know that- periods suck."

"You don't have to."

"I don't mind, (Y/n). Do you have anything in particular you need?"

You take a moment to consider his offer. It's sweet, really.

And you would appreciate not having to go get the things yourself.

Twilight offered. So it probably isn't an issue or a burden.

"If you're willing to go I'd appreciate that."

"Okay, what should I grab?"

You tell Twilight what it is you need. Painkillers, chocolate, a heating pad of some sort, and whatever you use to deal with the actual bleeding.

He just smiles, "I'll be back soon. Why don't you nap?"

"Thank you, Twilight."

"Of course."

-------

You wake up to the door opening.

When you look over, you are relieved to find Twilight with a bag from the store. It seems to have everything you asked for.

"Hey there, bug." Twilight says softly, "You okay?"

"Just- ugh."

"I bet. Here, let's get some food in you."

Twilight pulls out one of your favorite snacks and hands it to you easily. He seems content just to take care of you.

After you've eaten and settled back down, you find yourself looking back to him.

"Can uh-" you aren't sure if it's weird to ask him for cuddles.

Is it?

And more importantly do you care either way?

"Can we maybe cuddle?" You ask after a moment. Becuase really the worst he can say is no.

(Maybe a mean variation of no but that dosen’t seem like him.)

"If you're sure you don't mind that I smell like dirt."

"We all smell that way. It's fine, Twi."

He sets his pelt over his own bed before he makes his way over to you.

He sits on your bed, holding his arms open. He's letting you take the lead on this one, not sure of if and or where you hurt.

You move - tucking yourself under his chin and wrapping your arms around his torso. You curl into him, reveling in the warmth Twilight provides.

Twilight, move you both so you're lying down. You're on his chest while one of his hands moves back and forth across your back.

He's gentle with you. But he holds you firm, sure in his arms. He dosen’t force you to stay, but he dosen’t ask you to leave.

Twilight is one of those people who are just good at giving hugs.

"Thanks." You say after a while.

"Of course, I want you to feel better."

"I really appreciate that. And you."

Twilight laughs, amused, fond, and bashful all at once.

You find yourself struck by how much genuine care is in his eyes when he looks at you.

"Get some rest, I'll still be here later." He says before pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

You would argue - really you would... but it's very comfortable and you know that you're safe here.

Sleep claims you again quickly, but you know that you'll still be safe and cared for when you wake up.

[smokee78]

This is such a vague question but how did you do it? I'm assuming therapy helped a lot but like. Idk did you have to unpack all of the trauma or like. Idk. It sounds like a whole lot of effort and honestly congrats. I'm just curious how you managed to achieve it

Yes thank you so much for the question!

So I started EMDR therapy in April 2022, which is a type of therapy that helps process and desensitize trauma memories, and negative beliefs held due to trauma. You don't need an exact clear image/memory of the trauma for this to work, and in my experience it worked really well for my complex/ongoing traumas (ex. neglect and long term bullying) as well as for our "one time incident" more PTSD-like traumas.

shortly after beginning EMDR, a lot of our DID symptoms began to fluctuate, some weeks they were really bad, some they were noticeably much better. this is because EMDR doesn't only happen during sessions- your brain actually continues the reprocessing being the scenes in the background, which can cause extra stress in the meantime! but the end result is worth it.

of course, EMDR comes with a lot of safety measures and checking in before starting the therapy to make sure you are safe, and have a plan if things get to be too much.

I'd say maybe a few months in, we had a big even we dubbed "the fusening" in which many of our fragments "gave up" their form as they no longer felt it necessary to stay separate. some "larger" and more dominant parts fused at this time too, some 1:1 with another part, and others just seemed to dissipate.

I'd say by 4-5 months in we'd gone from over 90 identified parts down to a nebulous 30-50. We were also nearly (80% of the time?) always blurry, so it was hard to identify who was left.

we also identified some new parts at this time, who had been dormant and stuck behind a layer that previously was not able to contact us before processing trauma.

we stuck around 10-20 parts for a whole, working our way through traumasostly chronologically, and hit some big targets. it was hard and exhausting work, and left me on edge almost 24/7. but I could tell despite the exhaustion, I was getting better. I was still getting amnesia, but switches and headaches were much less noticeable, we were no longer finding new parts or splitting new parts, and it felt like I had the control to find healthy coping mechanisms on my own with out my brain trying to cope for me (by splitting).

these past few months I've actually been on a break from EMDR- my therapist noticed my avoidant behaviours to dealing with a lot of the trauma I faced from my parents, and I have a big school exam coming up. so we left it for the summer, to reconvene in October after my exam.

at that point I'd had about three alters left, two nearly identical, the current host and a similar alter, and in the process of trying to meld, and one of the earliest alters and most developed, and distinct we'd had.

in the meantime, I started regular talk therapy with a new therapist, less intense but to hopefully get some help with non trauma processing based issues, maybe try to grapple some of the parental issues without trauma targets.

We focused a lot on identity, as, despite having over 90 at one point, I felt completely lost! I didnt know who I was, what I wanted, and who I could be if I let myself. I was trying my best to "go along with the flow", but I didn't realize that didn't mean I had to like *everything*, even if I was open to new experiences!

I learned how to be on my own and still have fun in the absence of other people. I started broadening my horizons and going to local punk shows and learning it was okay to not be mainstream and still be safe! I came out to more people about my gender identity and started the process to transition medically, and started being more open socially about being gender non conforming. I learned I really, really, hate cooking, and that's okay.

about a few weeks ago, I had a falling out with my parents. I won't go into detail because I don't think it's relevant, but I decided our relationship wasn't healthy, and I cut them off for good. I'd previously done this two years ago as well, but we reconciled and tried to make it work. but this time, it was clear the only person that was interested in changing to make things work was me, and after finally getting a taste of figuring out who I could be, I was done sacrificing myself for the sake of making them happy.

stem, the last part to fuse with beau, held pretty much all the resentment for sacrificing ourself and not getting to be ourself. she held all the bitterness, the teenage and adulthood angst, all the rage. she'd been very stubborn about it all. to the point where beau as the host (this is getting confusing to type- I'm both sten and beau now. I'm one. but I'm trying to talk from beaus perspective about stem), had finally said "look. I know we wanted final fusion. but I'm okay if you want to stay stem and we'd changed our minds. we don't have to final fuse to still be an advocate for compassion towards those who choose final fusion, and we're not betraying ourselves or anyone else if we stay separate."

stem said "thank you" to this, which was the first time she'd shown any genuine positive emotion towards beau or the rest of the system. (she was a persecutor at one point, turned to no role/sort of protector ish role).

beau was shocked, as he never thought stem would let go of the bitterness she'd held to the rest of the system, the fact that she'd gone dormant and lost the host role at one point, and many other traumas.

there was genuine understanding and compassion towards each other as individual parts.

that night, stem was around and feeling list and hopeless about the reason we'd cut off our parents again. we vented to our friends, they listened, validated our feelings and... we felt better. the feelings laid to rest a little, though the grief was still fresh.

we left the conversation, and noticed we had a headache+foggy feeling we usually associated with a split. we commented to a friend we may be splitting, which hadn't happened in a while, but was understandable with the stress we were dealing with

except. it wasn't a split. we fused. stem was heard by herself and her system, and validated and respected by her friends. despite losing her adoptive family (not blood- we were adopted at birth), stem had found acceptance and love from our new chosen family and friends. that was enough to let go of the hate and bitterness and rage and let herself be one with the full range of emotions and personhood final fusing could give us in this way. I also use Stem as a preferred name in addition to Beau now, which I feel is fitting. I'm them, they are both a part of me even though we're all one now.

I hope this answered your question! one other thing to note, through a lot of hard work and cooperation, we were previously able to fuse a fragment and an alter together before any therapy, with a lot of help from those who'd already experienced fusion. it's not impossible to fuse some alters on your own. (though I would say it would be very unlikely to final fuse without outside help)

[plasmometer]

Hi this is possibly gonna sound weird but I think your art may just be the most relatable one (to me personally, of course) I've ever seen. I'm a child of two STEM folk (machines and computers, respectively) so seeing the way you draw machines, with wires like veins and metal armature as bones is rather comforting - probably because I was raised on the stories of how the mechanical innards of factories work, and how computers sunder our complicated human processes into simpler code-based ones. It feels a little like being understood, somehow. That, and I find that your /work, pain and me/ comic and the /carpal tunnel syndrome art/ resonate with me immensely. I do not have carpal tunnel syndrome but I have, for the past 4 or so years (longer, perhaps, but before I do not remember my life from before that well. It's rather strange, how I don't know when it began but suddenly, one day, my body just started failing me) been in basically constant pain. I've done check-ups, hospital visits, and an awful amount of humiliating tests, all to prove nothing. No matter what I do, it always comes out that I'm as healthy as one can be. At least on paper, because physically I'm still in pain. Seeing the frustration, the anger at your body breaking apart before it's supposed to, before anyone else you know experiences it - the hurt and betrayal of not being able to trust your own self any more, because at any given point it might just stop working is very... Cathartic, I suppose. It's good to know I'm not the only one. It's good to know that people like me exists, and that people like me can still do great things. thank you

that ask kinda resurrected me. thank you! my father is an engineer, but i fell in love with industrial when i visited chemical factory/oil refinery. oh how my eyes opened when i saw all that. that moment, my whole life has changed. i believe that i made a contact with something big, and it continues to support me, in exchange for my eternal work. i hate gods and prayers, but mutual support sounds good for me. about pain, i am really sorry you feel that way. human body is fucked up and we don't know all about it. i have to deal with constant headaches in addition to carpal tunnel issues, and sometimes the only way is to move despite it. most of my life have been 'despite' everything, really. lastly, i am really glat that my art makes people think and feel, it is the only way for me to speak, after all. i am glad that somebody hears that

[kitkatopinions]

Having been thinking about the new ep all day, here's the thing about Ruby's explosion.

Yes, she was being irrational and harsh. Yes, as someone who has rejected all leader figures plenty of times and put her team in as the people making more choices, the narrative seeming to be trying to tell us that Ruby didn't ask for this is stupid and Ruby not acknowledging her own hand in the place she wound up wasn't good.

But it would be really disingenuous to act like WBY - and specifically importantly Blake and YANG her beloved older sister - haven't been being really oblivious, unhelpful, and unfair. Blake has at least been trying to help at the start of the season by being the one trying to keep situations from spiraling out of control and filling them in on details about the story, but even she hasn't been acting like they're actually in a serious situation, and Yang and Weiss have just been having massive attitudes the whole time not doing much at all. And even though Weiss has at least attempted a conversation with Ruby about her feelings, Blake and Yang specifically have barely done more than say 'Ruby?' questioningly and 'are you okay?' Like guys that is about the same kind of reactions I get from my coworkers when I have a headache at work. And I would be willing to overlook it if they actually acted concerned outside of those shallow moments, but instead they just act like it's an average day in Remnant where they can just banter and flirt and do slapstick humor. Let's not forget that there was literally a time where the team was walking and Blake and Yang were ahead just super caught up in each other giggling and almost holding hands, and Weiss and Ruby stopped walking to have a serious conversation while Ruby was just dejectedly unable to even talk about it, and Blake and Yang were still just walking along chatting like they didn't even notice. Like, yes they deserve love and no actually it wasn't their fault that the writers I MEAN the Ever After forced a confession, but it is their fault that they've been acting completely oblivious and uncaring to both the seriousness of their situation and Ruby's own struggles and pain. I feel like I'm justified in being frustrated by them and I feel like Ruby's really justified in being frustrated with them.

And Yang extending her arm out as if to protect Blake from Ruby? It's consistent enough with Blek to flinch away from any sort of anger or criticism, but Yang seriously was out there acting like Ruby was a danger to Blake? Ruby - Yang's supposed beloved baby sister - basically just said she feels like Yang doesn't care about her, said she was crumbling under the pressure she was facing, and couldn't just smile through it, and Yang's reaction is to angrily shield Blake without even a word to Ruby? No protest of 'that's not true,' no explanation of 'I was trying to give you space,' no guilt and apology of 'I'm sorry, I've just been so happy, I guess I didn't realize...' Imo the line there was pretty clearly drawn, my reading of that scene is that Yang will always prioritize Blake over Ruby and doesn't care enough about Ruby. I would never just stand there while my little sister basically said she felt like no one cared about her without telling her how much I love her, and I would never let a fifty year old man yell at my traumatized and crying little sister that it's her fault that someone is trying to kill her and destroyed others in the process without protesting it.

Speaking of Jaune, I think his blow up makes sense and a lot of what he said wasn't wrong. I'm making allowances because he's clearly been through a great deal and whether or not the 'Ascension' of the Paper Pleasers is actually a good thing or a full on death, Jaune thought it was a full on death and that everyone he'd been trying to take care of for years and years had just died and Ruby was talking about herself. But at the same time A. not everything he said was rational (like blaming Ruby for Neo hating her and coming to attack everyone,) B. Jaune's not one to talk considering that things like the Argus plot was his idea and the plans at the start of V8 were spurred on by his 'go for both' plot and he had no problem at all with Ruby's plan and helped carry it out and has also been treating their group as the end-all-be-all authority. And C. Jaune should not be here at all. This would be a much easier pill to go down if this was Ren (who has recently doubted their plans,) or a battle-hardened Nora (who has by her own words only made jokes and hit stuff and therefore would feel like less of a hypocrite for this,) or May Marigold (who has also doubted Team RWBY too) and all of that would feel better than the underdog hero Jaune with a history of stealing the spotlight and girls getting fridged for the sake of his pain yelling at Ruby the female protagonist for not being good enough and for being selfish. Like RWBY writers please think things through, this is a bad look. Jaune the character might have good points to make, but the rwby writers shouldn't have put him there in the first place! Especially since his pain takes focus away from Ruby's. And yes, obviously what he went through was bad and shouldn't be just dismissed, but let's remember that the writers are the ones that orchestrated - and often forced - every single circumstance that led Jaune to be where he is now.

Basically, I have problems with the argument scene.

[multiplicity-positivity]

advice ask-

TL;DR: how does one deal with a persecutor who is also quite young?

i dont mean deal with as in lock away, or anything of the sort, i genuinely really want to help them. one of our headmates, an ex-persecutor until very very recently, has been falling back to a lot of really bad old habits due to some things that happened

they're also getting? younger?? for some reason?? they were 19 when this started, they're 15 last i saw, which has never been near their age range

i just feel so bad cause i can see and feel how damn much they're hurting, they fronted for less than an hour earlier and the body had a headache for several hours afterwards because of how much stress and negativity they're holding on to

i know a lot of people say the first step is communicating, helping them figure out what's wrong and how to deal with it, but they won't listen or talk about it. several of us have tried talking with them and trying to help, but every time they either leave or completely disengage, and despite repeated efforts they refuse to talk to our therapist

they're trying so hard, and i dont think they even want to be hurting us based on some of the things i've picked up, but they just can't help it

what is there, if anything, that we could do to help them? for our own safety, and primarily theirs, i just want to make some progress towards helping them resolve everything

🪐🏢 (emojis so i can be on anon but process the ask as mine if i see it)

Hi! We’re going to link to you a couple asks we’ve answered in the past with advice for dealing with persecutors. Please note that the second post has a trigger warning for mentions of suicide and sexual assault!

Hopefully the advice listed in those posts can help you!

And some advice specific to y’all’s situation might be just kindness, kindness, kindness. Have patience with them when they lash out. Remind them that you’ll always be there, willing to provide a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Don’t judge them too harshly when they make a mistake. Don’t force them to engage with anyone inside or outside your system that they don’t want to. It may take y’all a while to adjust to these behaviors, but it will be well worth it in the long run for making this persecutor feel more secure and loved by all of you!

Perhaps buy a notebook or set up a note/Google doc/Word document for this headmate which can be a space just for them, no one else. Allowing them to have their own private space to vent, get their thoughts out, and express themself might help them feel better about themself and their circumstances overall. Our persecutors each have their own journal and their own sideblog here on Tumblr which they can use however they wish. After we reached a point where more of our alters could trust our therapist, one of our persecutors has actually brought their journal to therapy and talked to our therapist about what’s been bothering them.

If you do provide a journal or set up a sideblog for your persecutor, please respect their boundaries and try to avoid looking at it! We know this can be difficult when the whole system shares a body, device, etc. But making an effort to respect this persecutor’s privacy can go a long ways in helping them feel safe and secure.

Ultimately, it will be up to them to decide for themself to make positive decisions and strive for positive change. But offering to be there for them, to support and uplift them while respecting them and giving them space when they need it, all of this could help them reach a point where they’re able to change for the better!

We’re wishing your whole system the very best of luck with this, and we will keep your dear persecutor in our thoughts! We really do hope that y’all can find peace, understanding, and comfort in your future, and that soon this persecutor can feel heard, respected, and taken care of. Thank you so very much for doing your best to take care of your headmate - your efforts aren’t going unnoticed!! Again, good luck with everything, and thanks for reaching out!

🌷 Corrie and 💚 Ralsei

[izzy-mizzie-boo]

Melody (Earth-0 or Retroboot).

Yes, these two are the same :^

I've been developing her in my mind for a few days now and- Jeez, she suffers a lot.

As I do with the other post I'm using to talk bit by bit about Cartoon Melody(and a few times about the other Melodys-), I will make this post be about Retroboot/Earth 0 Melody, giving a few facts about her and some useless things that I added on her because I like and I think that contrasts a lot with her personality.

1_ Melody can be very restrictive about some stuff, and this includes people trying to get into her privacy. It includes: Projects, her bedroom, her stuff, where she goes and more. She gets kinda annoyed when she's questioned where she has been at or what she has been doing. She stares at the curious person as if wanting to say: "Visiting your mom cause you haven't!" (Don't question her xd)

2_ Melody doesn't like to be called and neither calls her a "Hero". Whenever she says she's not a hero, someone always asks: "Then what are you? A villain?" She only replies: "I'm not a hero and neither a villain, I'm a Bellmont and that's all you need to have in mind."

3_ Liking it or not, the Melodys aren't the same, not only in appearance or characteristics, but also they have a few differences about their intellects. Melody Earth 0 is mostly better at Mechanic, Chemistry and Biology.

4_ Even though she's a Melody that has survived her fatal disease, she ended up with a few after-effects, such as: Hallucinations that get heavier with the time passing by until she panic and faint(or until she takes her medicine and calm down slowly as it makes effects) and the lack of energy to do much stuff, that's why she ends up falling asleep on the hallways with no reason.

5_ Whenever Melody starts to have hallucinations, it starts light, with a few small things appearing until it starts to bother her vision, affect her body and get her to panic. Even if she was already told that it is "psychological", she still can feel her body being affected by it every single time she has it. When it starts, she tries to keep herself as calm as possible, doesn't interact with anyone and just gets to her main task of taking her medication. In these moments, stress or anger can cause the hallucinations to worsen quickly, so if she ever was called to a mission, it would mean her task would have a quick timer, making her rush to her bag or bedroom.

6_ Unfortunately, due to these hallucinations getting heavy, Melody can end up having an anxiety crisis, which she can't really deal with alone, leading in crying and heavy breathing as she sits on the floor nearby a wall, desk, nightstand or whatever she can lean at. If the hallucinations ever get her whole reality distorted or her body too uncomfortable to do any movement, she just lay or falls down, to quicken the process of fainting and not dealing with this headache anymore.

7_ It may not seem like it, but she loves hugs. If you ever find her, give her a hug, it will calm her down and place a soft smile on her face. :>

[wowbright]

I would really like to forget about that whole thing that happened with my neurologist last week, but ... I've had three migraines since. Usually, I just try to deal with them the best I can and move on. I mean, there are certain things that I am unable to do while having a migraine, but I've gotten pretty good at the behavioral things like not focusing on the pain, not catastrophizing or thinking about when my next migraine will be or why I keep getting them or other stressful things. Just keeping a neutral attitude about the pain and so forth.

But that used to be easier because previous to this neurologist, I've generally felt like whoever was managing my headaches is trying to be my partner in improving my condition. Not this guy. Last week, I don't think I wrote about the part where he told me that "having 10 to 15 headaches a month is really good" compared to how I previously was. And that statement, on its own, is not a bad statement. Like, if it was followed up by, "but having that many headaches a month is still pretty disabling. So let's figure out if there are ways we can get that down further."

Or simply, "how are you doing with 10 to 15 migraine days a month? What would you like to be able to do that you currently have trouble doing?"

But he really just seemed uninterested in any of that. It was "this is good" full stop. He was willing to discuss additional/different treatments after I basically forced him to, but his attitude was still "this may or may not help, don't hold out too much hope, you should be happy with where you are."

And that's just bad doctoring. Yes, it's good to point out improvements. It's good to set realistic expectations. But there are so many treatments still that I haven't tried, or haven't tried in combination with my current treatments, and he's just like, "oh well," and also, "when you say '10 fucking migraines a month' you are using the word 'fuck' and that kind of language is unacceptable in my office" which also means "you aren't allowed to express the depth to which this condition affects you in my office" which comes off as "I don't care."

Like, does he know that after you have a migraine, postdrome effects like fatigue and cognitive impairments can last for one to two days? Which means that if I have 10 to 15 headache days a month, I'm experiencing some level of disability throughout most of the month?

30 years ago I had one appointment with a new primary care physician who had been assigned to me. She came in super late because she had been doing a stress test with a cardiac patient--she told me this as her excuse, it was before HIPAA. I don't remember what my particular health concerns were, though they probably did include migraine and maybe fatigue? Anyway, she told me I should be glad that I wasn't having heart problems and gave no helpful advice. She did give some unhelpful advice, though, which was "gardening doesn't count as exercise." Ummm ... She clearly had never seen me garden.

I never saw that doctor again. And I don't plan to see this neurologist again, if I can help it. I'm working to find somebody better for me.

But this interval.

I don't want his lack of helpfulness or hopefulness to rub off on me. Still, these last few migraines, the thought does occur to me that I do not have a trusted partner in managing them right now. Which honestly does make it harder for me to maintain a neutral attitude toward my migraine attacks. Because there's the idea now that I may never be able to find a better combination of treatments, because he's only willing to try one or two of the forty-plus possibilities, and what if the next doctor I find (a process that will take a while to accomplish because of waiting lists) has the same attitude and I need to switch to a different one, and go through the waiting list again, and ... I mean, I only have like three doctors in the system I can try.

BUT! In the fall I'll have the option of switching insurers next year. Which is hopeful, but no guarantee.

And it's a long wait.

So ... Idk. What do I need to do to get my neutral attitude back next time a migraine hits?

I hate being emotionally affected by other people's bullshit.

[daisyvisions]

I'm glad the client wasn't mad - that would've been a whole other headache for you to deal with 😭 but still good luck with that!! I hope it's over soon. And of course I'd check up on you!! I think people sometimes forget that there's people with emotions and their own stuff to deal with behind the screens so it's nice to check up and make sure you're okay.

I did end up posting a somewhat "general" version of it - it's called "To New Elevations" but the initial thought process behind it was mean/dark side Sangyeon. I'll try to give you a breakdown of how the Sangyeon specifics play out in my head (probably in a separate ask because I'm gonna need a moment to word it).

Also, I was gonna ask if you've seen Hyunjae concept pics - I think I almost passed away over them - and then I come online to see you've reposted those Sangyeon gifs??? it's like you're out to torture me 😭😭 istg whenever I'm about to swerve, Sangyeon appears and it's like I've been caught doing something I shouldn't.

Anyways, have a lovely week, Daisy!

☕️

you're the sweetest babe 🥺💕 and oooh! I'll definitely take a look at that after I answer this omg I havent been able to catch up with other fics from being too busy huhu

I feel like at this point a lot of sangyeon stans' bias wrecker is hyunjae like??? HOW MANY OF US ARE SANGMIL GIRLIES?!?! HAHAH I've been in my sangyeon era since september after MONTHS of hyunjae taking over my brain rot I hate him 😭 (I dont)

it's been a year since I've opened this blog and still havent written any sangmil so... we will see 👀

[cybernightart]

I was watching a video on the pictures of mental disorders like ADHD and autism (and more) and it made me think of this. It's kinda rambley so be warned.

I love the head cannon of Genji having ADHD and/or autism as someone with ADHD and in the process of getting an autism diagnosis myself, I can definitely see myself and quite a lot of his character in the way he acts or interacts with other characters in the world around him.

And there has been a few fanfics or just things I read in general of people with the same headcanon and I know it's unintentional, but the amount of times that characters feel like they're being infantilized, made out to be stupid or annoying, completely unaware of themselves, or very stereotyping about ADHD and autism is quite often. And I know it's because of media portrayals and just not much understanding. It can just be a little disheartening sometimes, especially when it no longer feels like the character because they pushed them so far into stereotypes that it doesn't feel like them anymore.

There's some things about having ADHD specifically that are like dead giveaways if you know what you're looking for, but the most common thing I see being done is the hyperactivity part, I've seen betrayals of Genji where he's just non-stop talking constantly bouncing off the walls of so much energy and it's just hyperactive all the time. And as much as hyperactivity is a part of ADHD, most often than not hyperactivity is internal in adults (also when girls and women) so they may be having a million thoughts at once but could be standing there with their arms crossed staring into space (totally not talking from experience XD) or if they are rushing around doing things they're jumping from different tasks to task and then remembering the task they started going back to it and it's just a constant cycle. Plus as you grow up you get a better understanding of how your individual experience with ADHD works and you can learn to cope with it more, and if you've accessed medication.

We know Genji used to be really impatient, and struggle with his attention and a whole bunch of other things canonically, and he only ever did things that he was interested in because he couldn't physically do things he didn't care about (like how he didn't find interest or like the clan activities but loved playing video games and training) and similarly defiant or oppositional behavior is another trait. He even fits with the common problem with ADHD even insomnia, with him being unable to sleep in anything up staying up late talking with Angela. ADHD can also influence emotional things like having stronger reactions with anger or rage, that seemingly come out of nowhere or are far larger than what caused them.

And now with zenyatta's help he was able to find ways to help him regulate his attention more, help him to be more patient, and try and keep on the same train of thought. By no means is he "cured" he has just accepted who he is and is able to find ways to help him in his daily life.

Anyways to get back to what I was saying before, there's just times that I've been reading these fanfictions and stuff and it just feels like there is no understanding or very little understanding of what she's actually like to deal with and not just from an outsiders perspective looking at someone with ADHD. Because so much of it is internal. And even with physical aspects of it they're not ...good... Like headaches, rashes, emotional outbursts/very strong emotions like with rage, sadness, even joy, not to mention RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) which feels horrible and makes you feel like every little thing you do only makes the people you care about hate you more or never liked you to begin with, sensitivity to sensory input like lights and sound and specially touch. And it being simplified to just hyperactive "oh sorry I can be forgetful sometimes"/"I'm not like other girls"/ "oh I'm so hyper! I have soooo much energy" just doesn't feel good.

This applies to not just Genji and depictions of ADHD but characters in media in general. I didn't speak on autism as much, because even though it's very likely I have it I am not fully diagnosed yet so I don't want to speak on it too much in terms of personal experience. Also not judging anyone for the way they write characters or anyone in particular, it's just more occasional tidbits I pick up on from time to time from everywhere from the OverWatch community to media and to film and TV.

[malamai]

So yesterday was fun.

I feel like I've had time to chill and I can like revisit the happenings of yesterday's work day THE DAY FROM HELL THAT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE IT WAS THAT BAD! 😂

So I typically work Sundays and Mondays consistently, I made a deal with my boss that I would take his management shifts so that I would manage them and he could go elsewhere and I'd always have Saturdays off, it was a sweet deal and it means I always have a day on the weekends to chill. So yesterday was my last day before I left for my week off work and I decided to go in over an hour early to set up and get everything ready, everything I need to do so is usually delivered at 7am I got there and I had no delivery to do anything with. I was like "nooooo I could have stayed in bed, fuuuuuck." I didn't let it bother me and I cracked on with all my computer work and counted everything, watched some tiktok and suddenly it's 9am and I still have nothing and I realised the situation was not good. So I do what I can do, I'm helping people, I'm running around like a headless chicken, trying to make customers coffee, trying to help them with their bets just being crazy. Suddenly I'm back at my desk, it's 10.30am and the guy finally arrives with my paper delivery and he just slowly waves as if he wished he had taken his little white undies off, found a stick and made a little white flag to wave as he entered the shop, puts the papers down and makes a quick exit without saying a word. I ran to put them all up and one of my regular customers found the whole situation hilarious because its always me. It's like I'm cursed. By this point the shop is very very VERY busy. In comes my coworker rocks up and just laughs aswell.

We continue the day, it dies down a bit and I suddenly find time to do my lunchtime checks which were very late at this point, I count the safe, the safe is fine, I check everything, it all looks great and suddenly I check my till and I have about £7.50 in it and the computer said I should have around £257.50 and I'm like WHAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUCK. So my co worker is like "what's up?" I tell him and he says "are you sure that you don't have that amount?"And I explain I can visually see that I don't and I don't need to. I literally spent an hour and a half going through every receipt, every slip, every figure to a point where it was relentless for my co worker digging with me and it literally turned out to be something I must have pressed by accident because the wrong type of transaction was on the transaction receipt and he found it, I literally jumped for joy, I hugged him because I was like "you absolute fucking beauty! Thank you so much!" He also learned a new thing with the receipts in the process and I then had to go back into my computer to trace the transaction to fix it. 🙃 it was a fun day. I literally thought I was going to lose my job, it would have been the case if I had lost the money genuinely but it was a headache, I knew I hadn't and couldn't possibly lose that amount, after all, I can count.

So what a nightmare that was, then I had to catch up with everything I didn't do while I was looking for £250 😂😂😂 the joys.

So yeah fun day. By the time I got home I was completely ready for a beer and a week off. My head was battered.

[knotmagickstudios]

ADHD/Autism diagnosis as an adult, part 1

So this is a bit of a departure from my usual content, but I wanted to break down some of my experiences here so that others could learn more about the process and how it works, and what struggles I faced.

Please remember, this is just one person's experience, and yours might be very different depending on your healthcare provider, country you are seeking care in, or even what part of the country. I know my experiences would have been very different if I'd tried to get an assessment back in Ohio vs Washington state.

A little background: I grew up in an emotionally abusive household that placed a lot of stigma on mental health and not being neurotypical. I've had anxiety since I was 3 and depression since I was 10 or 11, but was unable to get help until I was almost 30 because of that stigma.

As a result, I grew up with some hardcore masking, and trying to be as "normal" as possible. I think I was tested for autism several times in elementary school, but because I'd been conditioned to know the "right" answers, I told the teachers what they wanted to hear, not what I actually felt or thought, so I "passed."

About 5 years ago, all of my coping mechanisms for my anxiety and depression stopped working at the same time, for no apparent reason, and I made the decision to begin taking medication. It's one of the best choices I've ever made.

Around that same time, I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and later Hashimotos (autoimmune condition attacking the thyroid).

During all of this, I moved 3,000 miles to a new state.

The Hashimotos has caused a great deal of fatigue for me, which is how I got diagnosed in the first place. Even with my medication, I still am tired all the time, and I'm usually ready for a nap. However, it also causes insomnia, so I will often go to bed and then lay there for 2-3 hours before I can fall asleep, even if I'm super tired.

This past year has been very bad. My anxiety also spiked for the first time since I started meds, to the point I was having panic attacks at work. I started talk therapy to help determine if the problem was the crappy job or if my meds needed adjustment. It also became clear through these conversations that something wasn't right physically, so I went to my GP.

I am not going to lie when I say I hit the lottery with this GP. I laid out all of my symptoms, which are, theoretically, tied to my Hashimoto's: Fatigue, intolerance of physical activity, inability to regulate my body temperature, random joint/muscle aches, headaches, and a whole laundry list of other symptoms.

She wrote everything down, and then shocked the pants off me when she said, "This doesn't sound like Hashimoto's to me. It sounds like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and ADHD."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I know a lot of people in many places in the world with ME/CFS and usually doctors avoid mentioning that as a diagnosis unless they have to. To have it, and ADHD suggested as a possibility from the get go was shocking.

I walked away with a list of referrals to specialists, including neuropsychology for both an autism and ADHD assessment.

I'm going to end part one here, since this was a lot of background. I'll be focusing on the ADHD/Autism assessments, but if anyone has questions about Hashimoto's, the chronic fatigue diagnosis, or any of the other conditions I've mentioned here and how they were treated, I would be happy to elaborate.

[spacecadetspe]

Sept. 17, 2024

Well, that was a bit of a bust. I spoke to Fortitude about my concerns, but it only served to make him more depressed, and me more panicked. When he feels cornered, he resorts to trying to point out my complaining, or how much we deal with the Meta.

To the latter, I'll concede that when we first began, I was in such a terrible place that I begged him for his near-constant attention. I've since tried not to ask him for anything regarding the Meta, relying on my own senses to help me understand what's going on. That doesn't negate what I have done; not even a little. But I'd like to think I'm giving him the space he needs to heal.

To the former, my issue was that while yes, I do complain, I don't think it's an inordinate amount, but his point makes me feel like I can't talk to him about things I need. So I reached out to R and my old friend Cat. They were lovely in helping me sort through my feelings, and I needed them deeply.

I didn't speak to Fortitude for nearly four days. I struggled through the daytime, attempting to keep life from driving me to a panic attack, and called R multiple times, sometimes in tears. I lost my appetite and ate very little; thankfully the nearby Chinese restaurant has really good wonton soup that I could keep down. I still cried through my lunch hour.

I thought I had lost Tem. My whole relationship. I wanted someone to experience my life with me, and... were we really?

My dreams, however, were lovely. Phobetor came in multiple times to love on me, so that helped... But in the morning, it was all gone, and I started trudging through the day again.

Wednesday night was the odd one out. I half-woke with severe pain in my left wrist and head, feeling like something was covering my face. I pushed at the substance, which released me so slowly I thought it might be one of those alien face suckers from the movies.

The pain didn't let up for days. Pasithea came to ice my wounds and help me figure out what was going on; that as a dreamer, I had been passed down to her youngest son, Panos. A last resort of Phobetor's, I imagined. Panos is not well-versed in dream craft, and so spends most of his days minding the Nekromanteion and channeling for Hades or Persephone. So when he was handed a dreaming and a list of dreamers to process, he leapt at the chance to do some good work.

He didn't expect me to fight him, which is why he held me down until my wrist broke. And the corruption was so viscous that it wouldn't be processed in the usual way... so he drained it directly from my skull, which explains the headache.

Erebus' energy had infected me, it seems. I'd been laid low by this insatiable hunger for attention and affection, and nothing could help me in a way that I really needed.

I'm still having trouble typing. Surtr, thankfully, has been there to put pins in my broken wrist and patch me up. It's been a rough week...

[phantalgia]

Navigating Unknowns: My Physical Health

There's a lot in this post but there's also a lot of stuff I have left out, some vital, some not so much. I feel like it's not a complete picture of everything but it's the best I have so far. As time goes on things will come together. I wanted this to be short. Which it isnt. So that's why I left out a bunch of stuff.

So, I'm currently writing on my phone laying down in bed. Throughout the day, including my earlier blog I haven't been feeling right. I’m kind of nauseous, my throat is tight, I’m short of breathe, and I just can't focus without this phantom pain sensation in my head that usually ends up turning into a real headache.

I had to lay down and here I am. This is something I've been dealing with forever. Maybe since I was 12. It's been explained away as "just anxiety" ever since. I know I grew up as an anxious kid, but it just didn't feel like it told a complete picture.

As I grew into my teens I started noticing that getting out of chairs was harder, and would sometimes make my vision go dark for a moment and give me a pressure sensation in my head. Staying upright in class was hard, concentrating was difficult especially after noon. And I would develop throbbing headaches, be deeply fatigued, and even sometimes feverish after school ended. All I would do after school is take not just a nap but a deep sleep.

As I got even older I developed random heart palpitations that would come and go without reason. I did get it checked and they were nothing to worry about except for how annoying and uncomfortable they were. This was until COVID happened.

COVID-19 Turned Things Upside Down

I don’t think I can stress enough how serious COVID-19 is. It's not "just a flu". It's a monster. I got Covid in December of 2022 I believe. Initially it did feel like the flu. That was until months went by and I started getting a faster heart rate, chest pains, dizziness, lightheadedness, shortness of breathe. It was like those sensations I had growing up but taken up to the next level.

I went through a whole process, saw my doctor went to a cardiologist and I was having afib and ventricular arrythmias. The latter being the most concerning. I got an MRI done and they discovered that I have a rare congenital heart condition called Left Ventricular Non-Compaction (LVNC). I had this the entire time and didn't know it. All of a sudden it made sense why I was getting palpitations, had a big problem with Covid, and just had an overall lower stamina. Or did it?

See, I got a PET scan this year, and what they saw was a normal functioning heart. I mean more than normal. However, this could be due to my heart medications working well. This does not mean that I'm completely off the hook with my heart as my condition does have the possibility of progressing, so I need it checked every year.

As it currently stands, I’m getting an MRI again of my heart later before the year ends for comparison sake. But other than that the expectations are that I will live a totally normal long life. My doctor has tossed my case around and had other patients that live totally normal lives into their 80s. But it still doesn't explain much and it doesn't account for the surprise that would await me in 2024.

Surgery and Long COVID Don't Mix Well

I had to get an appendectomy as well as get an extra lump in my intestines left over from birth removed in early March. At this time I was recovering ok from Long COVID and had a fairly stable heart. I was getting into my hobbies and stuff so things seem "well". I say that because I have been having a lot of mental health stuff that I'm struggling with and struggling to understand...something I'll get to in a later post.

On a Friday in March I was getting lower right abdominal pain, it was fairly bad that I went to urgent care and they recommended I go to the ER. And of course, hours later, I have appendicitis! I was rolled into surgery early the next morning, woke up and was told that they removed an extra lump left over from birth as well as my appendix.

I was stuck in the hospital for a few days and could you even believe that some people go home the same day after a surgery like that? I couldnt. I felt so beholden to those nurses. But I was determined to get better. And eventually I was sent home.

As the weeks go by it seemed like I was doing fine. I was still shocked from the whole ordeal. But I was doing ok, following the diet and nothing felt too different. Then after three weeks that all changed.

My New Life Begins

I had one bad night where I didnt sleep, drank a lot of water, and went for a walk. Then all of a sudden I’m extremely nauseous, dizzy, and feel like I’m going to faint. It was a day where I had to get my blood drawn too which luckily I got it done unscathed. But this became an ongoing problem.

I noticed triggers too, bad sleep, short naps, eating too much, eating processed foods, exercise, stress, being idle too long (standing, sitting, laying). Laying would feel the best but I noticed that prolonged bed rest just made me feel worse.

This became an every day cycle, and I noticed it accompanied a stomach ache and galbladder pain and just pain all over my abdomen. This isnt always the case. Sometimes I would just feel dizzy, faint and lightheaded only.

These episodes were so bad that I went to the hospital around 2-3 extra times. They always ended up turning me down. I even got a brain MRI which showed nothing, I mean one of those times I thought I was having a stroke.

Investigating this turned up as nothing so far. I got a full body CT scan which didn't show anything. And the running theories right now are stress from the surgery and possible stomach ulcers from it. I’m going to be seeing a GI doctor so I will learn more soon, probably will need an endoscopy.

COVID Strikes Again

And then I got COVID again. In the middle of all of this. I got covid once more. I was still having those episodes, bad enough where I thought I needed the hospital. But I pretty much taught myself each time they happened that "they always pass", which they do. But COVID scared the hell out of me. It was probably my scariest experience with it.

There were points where I definetly thought I needed the hospital. I couldnt stand up without feeling all my body weight drop, dizzy, faint. I was nauseous but afraid if I used the bathroom I'd faint. There were points where I couldn't get out of bed at all. I had probably an extreme fever and my lungs were in agony. Then all of sudden like magic, it just all stops. I got over it so quickly it was hard to believe. It was quick but agonizing. But I still wasn't left unscathed.

The Fallout of it All

It's August now, I don’t really have those episodes as much but my abdomen still has problems ever since the surgery, I wake up with nausea (which has been new since Covid), feverish, and shaky many days. And sometimes these symptoms go on throughout the day. The frustration is that some days are good, some are bad. Some good days just have bad hours, some bad days have good hours. Some weeks are good, some are bad. It's really the Shrodinger's Cat of being sick. I tried walking outside on my own in the heat but I got some problems with that. After exercising I'll regret it about an hour later and be having an episode. Or I'll walk too much, have tachycardia and have an episode. So, I’m just here now, beholden to doctors waiting for answers.

How This Connects to Long Term Problems

Part of the answers I’m looking for is how this all relates to long term problems. Outside of Covid, a surgery, and covid again, how does this relate to me long term? I mean, I've been having extreme fatigue, trouble getting up out of chairs, trouble standing or sitting in place too long, short of breathe, fever like, trouble concentrating, headaches for over 10 years now at least. What is up with that? At this point through my own research I've discovered POTS or Dysautonomia generally speaking as the closest answer. Upon asking doctors if that might be the case, it keeps changing. My cardiologist says I might have long term POTS but won’t test it. My doctor is always switching up his thinking with each visit. One appointment it's dysautonomia, another is just anxiety, then it's the surgery, it's covid, it's dysautonomia and anxiety. I don’t know at this point. My last appointment as of writing this was on a "good" day for me. I had no problems, and the discussion turned towards treating psychological stuff, unfortunately I can't see my psychiatrist as he had to get his ankle replaced and an eye surgery. So, now we're going after emotional and psychological stuff and trying to see what that is about. That requires its own post because it pretty much follows the same themes as this one. Which leads me to my conclusion.

Life Turned Upside Down

What do I personally think it is? I think it's comorbid. I think I was naturally born anxious, I think other congenital anomalies are also a factor. I think conditions in the womb affected it. I think my development in early childhood stress affected it. I think covid affected it. I think the surgery affected it. I think my own current psychological stress affects it. I think there's mental stuff that I don’t know about contributing to it. I don’t think there's a singular source to blame here. Which frustrates me because that isn't how I’m being treated by these doctors. I’m not being treated holistically. It's one thing at a time. Or abstracting. Or not treating me as human. Treating me as an input and output.

I love my primary doctor, I think he's the best doctor I've ever had but even I think he's still beholden to the oppressive, heirarchal systems and norms that govern medicine under capitalism. But he does do a lot more than most doctors. So I have to give him credit, especially concerning his own history. Something I may discuss at a later date.

I think I’m just frustrated, scared, alone. I don’t have an answer nor agency nor empowerment for anything and I feel sick on and off or just like this looming feeling of being sick. I don’t have a sense of solidarity or shared struggle in this. I’m totally alone. For all I know this could all blow over in a year. But what then? The "healthy" me wasn't any better.

Life has certainly been turned on its head for me because of all this and this isn't accounting for the psychological and social developments I've had too. This has affected how I see the world, see myself, see others. I don’t like what I see in the world because of this. I see something dreadfully wrong. But I'm not pessimistic, not entirely. I think there are things to look forward to. So I have faith in that at least. My therapist says that faith comes before confidence. It makes sense, you got to believe it first. I have faith that I will find people out there with similar struggles and similar mindsets some day. Perhaps we'll make a difference in each others lives and for others. Which gets into a whole other conversation I'll save for another time.

[ru5t]

hi i got reminded of a thing and this is technically an unfinished image i'm not sure i like anymore and not the thing i thought i was gonna talk about today (but that's unfinished as well--) but yes hello let's talk about:

Tech + Her Name

so one of the Things™ about Tech is that I've had her for more than a decade, and so she's gone through a lot of growth and changes over the years, been tweaked a bunch and soft rebooted a couple of times. and her deal now is that almost all of that exists in her a little bit, even if some of it isn't 'canon' anymore, and some of it reflects in these sort of "phases" she has in her overall backstory. these work out into general time frames, and at some point i started shorthand referencing them differently based on her various go-to behaviors and beliefs at the time. this got really confusing really fast! an then i remembered she has approximately a trillion nicknames, and lightning struck

boom, bam, quick and easy labels from her most common nicknames/forms of address at the time of each "phase" ; worth noting she was "Techno Havoc" for most of these, and wouldn't have introduced herself any differently, the nicknames were just what people leaned toward and/or picked up from others

these phases also tie into the [Hair Dye Post], because I am Unwell

Maddy — in the city, pre-escape edition, and there's not a whole lot to say about it; she was also occasionally Mads and, as her father was "Lt. Magson" and Jack was just "Magson", she was "Mags" to differentiate and as a diminutive; sometimes, more rarely, "Mini Magson" in the same spirit (mostly from her father's coworkers)

Magpie — the short form of her first moniker, "Miss Magpie", given to her by TJ when she was living at the Wind Stop, and though it was more of a teasing title it served as her name for her first year, give or take, in the desert; this was also when she was introduced to colorful dyes, and she picked the green but didn't want it all over, so someone (maybe not TJ he's Old) helped her work out the way for getting it to process right on her hair into those soon-to-be signature green stripes

Havoc — reunited with her brother, they get a little base going (picking up Lith & Tox, Red & the Weasel, and Dusty along the way, in that order) and she got a little unruly, a lot loud - a Rebellious Phase™, if you will, in which she made hobbies out of fucking around with Better Living systems, arguing with friends & foes, and generally being a massive teenagery pain in the ass, hence Havoc; somewhere in these couple of years, the pink came about from a desire to do something a shade dramatic and encouragement from friends, to match the fierce edge she'd put on, bright and aggressive

Techie — although a nickname she'd always had since become Techno Havoc, 'Techie' become more prominent after another couple years gone, and she'd mellowed out a little bit, becoming more sure of herself vs. the things that were her defensive mechanisms, stopped fighting with so many of her friends, started forging better connections, being more honest and in general just hitting a good growth stride - even making an impression with the fab four (some more than others🙈); she stopped keeping up with the color, letting it fade out into a much lighter pink, and she was considering just letting it grow out entirely ...

Magson — and then she got bagged and re-educated. she got to keep her name, but almost nothing else.

Tech(?) — back in the zones, she got knocked on the noggin and had vague shadowy memories and duplicate memeories and horrible headaches and mood swings and also a concussion (and okay maybe it wasn't the most common but soooo many people went "...Tech?" like they weren't sure it was her. she wasn't either.); chasing the fragments, she got her hands on that very same shade of green she picked the first time she got out into the desert, and in a dye job focused more on getting rid of BLI's fingerprints than anything else, she didn't go through all the steps and ended up at what a friend of mine (Lith's writer) started calling "swamp monster green"

Sparky — after a year of nonexistence, and then a year of hell, she finally starts to feel more like a person, get her feet underneath her reestablishing herself in digital spaces and robotic/computer engineering circles, get things get more pieced together to know that she had connections and that they're out there to be called on; the pink here was a choice on the basis of that it felt more right than the swamp monster green, or growing it out to her natural color, and though it wasn't where she settled it was definitely an improvement; towards the end of this 'phase' she sought out Jack at the Haven

_______ — Tech, Techie, Havoc, Sparky, Spitfire, The Ghost Girl; take your pick, all of the above and more, she's got what she needs figured out (even if there are some days where it's harder to keep it pinned in place the way it ought to be) and gone on to get bold, now not only up to her usual tricks on the waves but actively inciting unrest in the neon slums and smuggling goods both ways across the wall; the orange!! it's just right, for whatever reason that may be, and though she keeps away from her natural hair growing too far out for its own variety of reasons, having a bit of it peeking through also feels right + of course the return of her beloved green stripe. it's a lot but that's just the way it is.

[feminonyma]

It's been a while since I've written. My secret, my haven, my graveyard of emotional rants. I'm glad to be reminded of this platform again. There's something so freeing about writing on the internet with no identity linked.

What triggered this? Well, it was actually reading my boyfriend's personal blog. I've known about it forever, of course, but never really looked at it myself. He shared a recipe with me this morning via his website and it prompted me to look at it. It made me emotional. All morning I was mad that he didn't take out the trash, or vacuum, or do the dishes. I felt my rage grow in a one-dimensional way. Seeing his inner thoughts, his personal diary, it made me realize that this was the reason I loved him. Not because he did chores. It was good to step back and truly remember that we are different, separate people with our own rich inner lives. It was so fun to see his writing voice, and see my name mentioned. How I was (and am) a part of this amazing person's life.

It doesn't help that I'm in the midst of PMDD. Will I ever get a diagnosis? Maybe it takes the right doctor. I've been filled with a contradiction of rage and blankness. With the immense responsibility of existing alongside the compulsory behavior to sit in bed, on my phone. It's frustrating. And my cycles feel like they're just getting longer. At some point I'll have to deal with this more head on. For now, I am thankful that my boyfriend's blog pulled me out of it for a second. And encouraged me to write myself.

It's been cloudy for weeks. That's been contributing to the melancholy as well. It's May, doesn't feel like it. I've been busy these past few months that I don't really know what to do with myself. No markets, no trips planned. Feeling a little aimless.

Work is boring. I don't feel motivated to try new things. My boss is always busy with her own life, doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as the job is done. I feel like I'm not appreciated enough. I'm definitely not getting paid enough. I've been at this company for too long.

There was a moment - earlier this year, maybe January - when I had the sudden bittersweet feeling that I had just experienced my last holiday season in Philly. I felt a surge of sadness, but then realized that my plan to go to grad school would actually give me one more Christmas here. Then immediate relief. Looking back, maybe I was already starting to let go at that point.

I've been interviewing for a job in San Francisco. At first, it was just a shot in the dark. Practice for the real thing. A "hey, why not?" and "let's see what happens." But as I get deeper into the process, and start to internally detach from my life here, it's becoming a more real possibility. Suddenly it feels like something I do really want. I had a dream last night that I was in California. When I see the clouds here, I think about the beautiful, sunny weather on the west coast. I can't help but feel like eternal sunshine would cure many of my problems.

Of course it's a big move. It's a big deal. Lots of logistical headaches. But if I think about it in a 21-year-old kinda way, it all doesn't seem so hard. Recently I heard someone say, "make the decision, and the universe will help you out." Is this that decision to make?

I've been latching onto the idea of grad school for so long. That was the plan: apply this year, go next year. It feels like a goal I've had for so long. But what if that goal was fueled by toxic thought loops? My insatiable drive to prove to everyone that I could do it, not matter what it did to me? Is this another instance of trying to do it all, sacrificing my mental health?

It's an ongoing battle: what I could be vs. what I should be. Who I think I am vs. who I actually am. I still want to be an Artist. But there's a whole other part of me that's a designer too. Maybe I need to find a different approach.

As for my current situation with my boyfriend, I need to remind myself that he is a whole person, not someone to solely make me happy or have sex with. He's right, this is not a situation to fix, it is a situation to work through. And it will be lifelong work. I'm surprised to see that a lot of the issues I have now are things I picked up on early in our relationship. Yet here we are, more than half a decade later, still together. Clearly we're doing something right.

But I can't help but think about what things could've been like if we did break up. Would I have found someone more suited to me? Would I have gone to grad school already? Guess it's impossible to know. Better not to dwell.

I love reading my past posts when I rediscover this outlet. It reminds me of the person I was, and how not much has changed. I'm grateful to see that I've escaped some bad situations. I'm grateful to see that I've grown.

Scattered through these posts, I've had a couple job changes and gained some weight. I'm happy with the job switch. Not with the weight gain. But I also have to remind myself that this is the healthiest my relationship with food has been. It just sucks to go through pictures of myself from 4, 5 years ago and see how much smaller I was. I guess the irony of that is that I did the same thing at that time. It's neverending.

Well, that's enough for now. See you when I remember you.