#but if i dont im showing everybody that i have no self control with eating | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

journeysintowebcomics · 5 years

Text

Homestuck Liveblog #186

UPDATE 186: Political Assassination

Last time John finally got that tooth off his chest, and Jake agreed to give his endorsement to Karkaroni. Now what will happen? Let’s see.

Has it been days since Jade has been sitting on that couch, levitating and with her eyes completely black? Given everything that has happened in the meantime it sure feels like it has. Roxy’s getting worried, she tried to call Rose but she didn’t respond, so instead he goes for the next option she has: Dave. Who immediately brags about working to stop Jane from screwing up everything. The words ‘neoliberal austerity measures’ are unsaid but they’re like an echo when Dave talks about the presidential campaign, I bet. He’s busy handling Jake’s endorsement speech.

ROXY: i guess in the grand scheme of things

ROXY: shes just takin a sort of nap

ROXY: but its one HELL of a nap bro

‘one hell of a nap, davey, shes been blacked out for, like, a week’

It seems the troll candidate is more popular with the trolls and the carapacians than with the humans and consorts. How don’t they have more consort supporters? Hopefully Jake’s endorsement will change that.

ROXY: lmao dirk just texted me about this

ROXY: somehow he found out about jade did u tell him

DAVE: uh no

ROXY: he just said make sure she gets lotsa daylight

ROXY: that itll help with the “exorcism she needs”.....

ROXY: and also to say hi to calliope for some fuckin reason??

DAVE: thats weird

Well that makes clear what the best course of action is: don’t open the windows nor place her anywhere in the daylight. If Dirk’s advice will help with the exorcism she needs – to get Dead Calliope out – then it’s a bad idea. I’m enjoying this epilogue much more with Dead Calliope controlling the narrative, thanks.

It’s alarming Kanaya isn’t picking up either. Could Dirk have gotten rid of her? I sure hope not! Kanaya has done nothing wrong and deserves to stay alive, what with being the professional when it’s about troll reproduction. She better still be fine and kicking!

DAVE: i gotta give karkat some emotional support

DAVE: since gettin jake on our side was a pretty huge fucking bonanza for us

DAVE: which has almost equal probability of winning us the election as it does blowing up in our faces depending on this speech he gives

DAVE: so we gotta like

DAVE: concentrate here?????

DAVE: instead of jerking each other off all god damned day for the rest of our lives

DAVE: (im just joking we dont actually do that)

ROXY: oh

They don’t do that, much to Jade’s disappointment, I bet. Either way, it’s speech time!

The struggle to take control of the narrative is a petty squabble, says Dirk, taking the high ground by offering Dead Calliope a way out. Buddy, pal, friend, you can’t take the high ground and then insinuate Calliope is ugly as sin. That is petty.

Apparently everybody thinks Dave loves Karkaroni, and although I believe that too, it’s fine if Dave never comes to terms to that. The guy marches at the beat of his own drum, he’ll be fine. This kind of thing can’t be forced on him. Speaking of things that can’t be forced, Roxy wants to know how Dave came out to everyone else as not straight. Oh dear, Roxy, I don’t think Dave ever did that. You’re asking the wrong person – unless you want the answer to be ‘deny it for like eight years now’.

He’s not really denying it right now, though. Maybe he did come out to the others and I didn’t find out until now. He’s not comfortable enough with rapping about ‘boning dudes’ in middle of a stadium where so many people can see him, but he’s not running away from the question. Way to go, Dave! I approve character growth!

Somehow Dave has this entire spiel about all the steps of admitting not being straight. On what phase are you, Dave? Inquiring minds want to know. I’d paste the entire thing here, because it’s pretty good stuff, but it’d feel like I’m applying filler for the sake of applying filler, so I won’t.

Dirk really doesn’t want a conversation about gender. Personally I have to agree because, even though this is great for development and I appreciate all of Dave’s steps, this is kind of a random place to shove this in. Pretty bad place, really. It’d have been great at a different moment.

Horrendously invasive of Roxy’s deepest personal thoughts.

...uh, Dirk, you know what else is horrendously invasive? Taking over the narration and manipulating people around. Also the assimilation plan, that’s more than horrendously invasive.

Okay, this is going for long enough.

DIRK: Do you even know where I am right now?

DIRK: Do you have the slightest idea what I’m up to?

the prince is laboring under the delusion that he has been the least bit subtle in his intentions. he currently stands beneath the carapacian bell tower, poised to climb to the top. he holds the long, red sniper rifle that once belonged to roxy, brandishing it openly and boldly. he seems mysteriously oblivious to the fact that holding a long rifle in broad daylight somewhat tips one to the fact that he soon intends to shoot someone from a great distance. he also seems unaware of the fact that i know perfectly well that the top of this tower has a clear, long-range view of the stadium, allowing any competent sniper a clear shot of whoever happens to be standing at the podium as they give a speech. as jake english is about to do.

he also doesn’t seem to realize i have anticipated his attempt to assassinate his own friend in order to advance his political goals, and that i am prepared to take measures which make this impossible.

It really sounds like Dirk’s getting ready to shoot, he’s up at the right place and has a view of the stadium where Jake will be, but...I don’t know, ever since Roxy said Dirk messaged her about keeping Jade in the sunlight for ‘an exorcism’ I have been feeling uneasy, and now that this all was said just now, well, I kind of suspect Dirk may try to shoot and kill Jade. It sure would free her of Dead Calliope’s control and possibly give him back the control of the narrative. It’s a possibility, no?

Somehow the next few paragraphs resembles a schoolyard roleplaying fight. ‘You can’t reach the top of the stairs because...your feet feel really heavy’ ‘really? Then I can fly’ ‘and then the bell came crashing down on you!’ ��I cut that stupid bell with my sword!’ ‘not fair!’ ‘yes fair!’. It’s endearing in its own way.

DIRK: He wonders out loud, “what is this, amateur hour”?

DIRK: The Dead Cherub then humorlessly narrates, “why, yes. yes mr. strider, it IS amateur hour. and i’m the amateur here, for throwing a huge bell at you. i would like to humbly apologize for my amateurism.”

no i don’t.

DIRK: Sure you do.

I’m having fun with this part, guys, I really am! This is great.

This is over when Dead Calliope, trying to stop the focus on Dirk and his increasingly petty narration, turns the attention back to Dave who must still be explaining to Roxy the intricacies of coming out to their friends. I see keeping a show in a standstill is a Strider family trait.

DAVE: well lets just say internalized whatevers are kind of like an onion

DAVE: theres lots of layers

DAVE: they suck on pizza

DAVE: and trolls have to get their stomach pumped if they eat them

That has got to be the most contrived simile Dave has said in recent history.

Dirk continues saying very clearly he’s about to shoot Jake, and the more he states that so bluntly the more I suspect there’s something else going on.

‘Xenophobe’ and related words are starting to stop looking like a real word. It just has been said so many times.

Everything is making Dave feel like something’s wrong – undoubtedly Dead Calliope’s influence – so he gets in the path of any potential bullets, protecting Jake with his own body.

and despite dave’s quick and well-justified action, what is also unbeknownst to him is that the sniper no longer poses a threat of pulling that trigger. because everyone knows that for all of the prince’s shortcomings, he would never expose his beloved brother and son to the risk of a heroic death.

DIRK: You’re absolutely right.

DIRK: I would never do that.

DIRK: I’d never kill Dave, no matter what I felt the stakes were. I’d never hurt him either.

I’m pretty willing to bet taking over Dave’s self doesn’t count as killing or hurting him, therefore it’s fair game. Dave would be pretty unhappy to know what Dirk’s doing, anyway. The narrative reveals what’s in the sniper rifle are not bullets, they’re tranquilizers. It’d be a non-fatal way of keeping someone out of the way for a while. The second thing Dead Calliope got wrong, though...

DIRK: Yes. You’re right about the tranquilizer.

DIRK: But there’s one more fact you’re not aware of.

DIRK: Which is that I never intended to aim for Jake at all.

Well then! Turns out I may have been right about that he intends to shoot Jade. He must feel really confident about it if he can announce it aloud after aaaall the charades he did to fool Dead Calliope. Is it Jade, Dirk? Will you tranquilize Jade and pretty much put her to sleep – non-fatally?

Dirk spins in what must be the tiniest bell tower ever, given he only has to spin to change direction and be able to aim somewhere else, and gets ready to shoot. All Dead Calliope can do is freeze Dirk’s finger on the trigger, but he thought ahead and made the rifle to be voice-operated. All he has to do is say ‘fire’. Which he does! Game over for Dead Calliope?

Pretty good aim, hitting a vein from all this distance. Jade indeed has gotten tranquilized, and I’m pretty sure given this isn’t the first time Dirk uses tranquilizers – he uses them in TV – it shouldn’t be too hard for anyone to realize this is Dirk’s orangey shady hand making the moves.

The insult against Jade is uncalled for, Dirk. But yeah, the result of all this is that Dirk is once again back in control of the narrative, which makes me sigh with exasperation. I really liked Dead Calliope’s narration more than Dirk’s, so I’m not looking forward to this change.

Roxy drops to her knees by the couch, pulls the dart out of Jade’s neck, and tries to shake her awake. But it’s no use. That’s a heavy dose I gave her. Could be out for weeks. Maybe months? Can’t have any cherubs messing with my business on this planet. At least not until I’ve taken my leave. But Jade’s gonna be fine. Don’t worry about that.

So...she’s pretty much in a coma. Could be worse, could be worse. She could be dead. This is barely better.

Cherubs are fuckin’ weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick. What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection.

Well, I for one have had enough of that goddamn toothache. I’m back in the protein saddle, motherfuckers. I’m clacking my tongs, and the charcoal is hot.

Now who’s hungry for meat?

Does that mean the candy epilogue is all Dead Calliope’s influence seeping through instead of Dirk’s? It could be interesting to see what kind of thing she does to the world. Although...given the effects of the trickster lollipop and how ‘sweetness beyond comprehension’ is perfection to them, it’s bound to be nightmarish. I’m actually looking forward to that!

Speaking of meat, holy shit. You just look more fucked up every time we come back to you, don’t you, John?

You’re a disgraceful mess right now. Covered in blood, mysteriously sticky, bruised all over your arms, legs, and neck. Terezi practically raked rows into your back. You catch sight of yourself in the rearview mirror. You’re kind of embarrassed by what a postcoital train wreck you look like when all she’s got is mussed hair. And you should be embarrassed. Seriously, it’s like you were mauled by a wild animal. Jesus, don’t either of you have any shame?

Ah. Okay then, good for them, although I’m pretty concerned. Such a physically intensive activity can’t be good for the guy with a gaping hole in the chest and the troll who still must be half-starved. I won’t be surprised if these two just pass out and die anytime soon. I’m not entirely sure, but it seems things are awkward now between these two. Maybe it was all a spur-of-the-moment move.

You sit together on the hatch, like when you first met up days ago. Terezi crawls into your arms, and nuzzles right up against your chest so you have no choice but to hold on to her. You would have done it anyway if she asked, because you’re a total sap. The kind of guy who no doubt thinks banging a girl in a car is some deep, soul-shattering experience that bonds you for life. Yeah, John, you do think that. You think that you and Terezi are basically married now.

I can’t tell if he really thinks that or if Dirk’s funneling those thoughts into him. The line between what the character feels and what Dirk wants them to feel is pretty blurry by now.

After all this, Terezi gives up on looking for Vriska, so this is a prime moment for her to fly by and find them. She doesn’t, though, and John proposes Terezi to go home with him. Can they even go home? John is so tired it’s possible they can’t – which he really should have thought about before doing said physically intensive activity. Nobody to blame but yourself, John. Seriously, you have an open wound and bled like four liters of blood. You’re as good as dead.

He feels the urge to lie down and sleep, which is a pretty bad idea given the situation. Terezi rouses him up, so instead he decides to give this a try and zap back home. Hmmmm...if he’s so tired right now, it’s possible the act of zapping home will drain whatever energy he has left, so I’m not...very optimistic about John’s chances of survival. Would this count as a heroic death? Can you die from a heroic death if you die like two weeks after the offending injury is made? If he dies from exertion after having sex with Terezi that doesn’t count as a death because having sex with Terezi is neither heroic nor just, no? Oh well.

Back in the stadium, the inexistent assassination attempt may have given Karkaroni a push in the polls, and Dirk spends quite a while brandishing Jake like a piece of meat. Really, can he be treated as more than a flat character whose only non-flat trait is his posterior? Jake’s nervous and fidgets around, so much Dave and Karkaroni show concern and offer to cancel the speech and/or the campaign. It seems our favorite presidential troll still doesn’t like the idea of having leadership, he’s ready to throw the towel anytime. Jake insists he can do it, so he starts!

I don’t remember Dirk being so outright antagonistic in Homestuck. It’s making me pretty uncomfortable, I have to admit. It feels kind of out of nowhere, just like Jane’s sudden xenophobic inclinations are. What was Hussie thinking when he wrote all this? What was his intention?

Jake’s getting pretty nervous and I can’t tell if he’s getting stage fright or if Dirk’s influencing him to be nervous. The latter is a possibility, no? Wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what’s going on.

Why don’t you have a good, long think about that, Jake.

Is this really the time for a good, long think? Jake muses to himself, actually putting a finger to his chin like some public domain clip art picture of a befuddled guy. If the crowd is confused by his rapid-cycle mood changes, they don’t show it. Jake’s got a bit of a day-drinking problem, which has been slavishly documented in the global tabloids. That’s how you avoid responsibility, isn’t it, Jake? You can fool your fans, but not yourself. The truth is that there’s a canniness to the act. It’s partially cultivated. You’re stupid, but you’re not nearly as stupid as you pretend to be.

JAKE: What in the devil was i thinking coming here?

JAKE: Why did I...?

JAKE: I came here to...

... slide the biggest knife any motherfucker ever wielded directly into your friend Jane Crocker’s back?

She loves you, Jake, more than anything, and you toyed with her heart. And you would have guiltlessly toyed with her “kettle drums” too had it not been for a bit of divine intervention, let’s decide to call it.

Sigh. That’s...that’s all I can do with all this. Sigh and keep reading. Third time I’m scrolling through the epilogue a tad faster than I should. It’s pretty much an entire page of gaslighting. Nothing really worth delving into, mainly because it’s pretty uncomfortable to read such a thing. Dirk’s being the abusive ex, pretty much. Nothing really worthwhile.

JAKE: I love dirk!

JAKE: IM IN *LOVE* WITH DIRK!!!

And to love Dirk is to obey him.

You know, there are a few reasons why I’m thinking of liveblogging these epilogues. I’ll explain them later, but right now I may as well say a word of two: the epilogue is competently written. The events in it are interesting, and the interactions are raw and full of emotion. It’s all pretty unpleasant to read, which makes it a bit novel, like swallowing bitter medicine. It’s pretty good, in a technical way.

But it simply doesn’t work with Homestuck characters. It just doesn’t.

Anyway, let’s continue scrolling down to the end of the page and go to the next.

I was right in that zapping back to Earth C would take what was left of John’s energy. He barely can give three steps before he falls down, so it’s all up to Terezi now. She wants to bring John to Jane, so she can revive him. I don’t think she has revived him before, so it should be a good idea. It’d be better to bring Jane to John, though.

It doesn’t matter. This isn’t a wound you can recover from. It’s Game Over this time: no healing, no afterlife, no cosmic clock proclaiming your sacrifice as Heroic. The poison needling through you is antithetical to narrative relevance. You’re not dying, John. You’re being erased. Cherubs don’t fuck around. We’ve both been learning that the hard way.

Oh, nevermind, it’s something not even Jane with her life powers can fix. I wonder if, once John is erased, nobody will remember him. That’s what happens when there’s no place for you in a narrative, no? Hmmm...

John already know he’s irreversibly going to die, and tells Terezi not to waste her time, that he was dead the moment Lord English bit him. Which is true, given this poison. Then he says he was dead the moment he woke up that morning, which...I suppose is the depression talking.

You died the moment you made the decision to go meet your destiny. You would have lived if you made the other decision, under a certain definition of the word “living.” You might have even lived until the end of your immortal life span, as shitty as that sounds.

So he’d have lived for the rest of his life if he had decided to do nothing. Makes sense. This may have been for the better, given Lord English needed to be defeated, so it’s time well-spent. It’s rather unfortunate it involves John’s death, but...in a way I saw this coming. Pretty tragic outcome, and given this epilogue has been chock-filled with a lot of tragedy and pessimistic scenarios, it only made sense this would happen.

It’s dying words time! Terezi is really affected because she really cares for John, and also they had a ‘emotionally significant sexual encounter’, so she’s even willing to listen to all the sappy stuff John will say in his deathbed. This is bound to be rather emotional! And the fact he can’t even think of something appropriate to say in his final moments is what makes it emotional because this isn’t how he imagined this would go. He can’t even think of quotes from his movies. Terezi offers to tell everyone John Egbert said some cool stuff in his final moments and make everybody believe it somehow, so instead John goes straight towards the sappy and tragic. There he goes!

JOHN: i think... i really lo—

TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3

JOHN: i... r-really lov—

TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3 FUCK1NG D13 ON M3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4 LOV3 CONF3SS1ON!

TEREZI: 1 FORB1D 1T!!!

JOHN: but... i...

JOHN: i...

Then John dies in the middle of a love confession.

Love confession on the deathbed! It’s like this truly came from a movie, haha. Terezi is devastated, so much she can’t even bring herself to cry properly. Once she confirms he’s dead, she ponders what she should do now, alone in the world John wanted to bring her to. She doesn’t have anything else to do, so after a moment – and at Dirk’s behest – she takes John’s corpse in Dad Egbert’s wallet and starts walking.

It has been a month already. Jane won the election after what I figure was Jake’s endorsement speech for her, so that’s that. Terezi has been rather lost this whole month, and nobody has seen John Egbert – instead of saying he’s dead -- so I suppose she hasn’t told anyone he’s dead. Rose has been missing the entire time and Kanaya has been pushed around by Dirk’s machinations to keep him distracted while he keeps Rose locked away somewhere, both mentally and physically, I figure. All in all, it’s a pretty grim outlook for everybody in Homestuck. Also, Jade is still in coma. Terezi goes to visit her, perhaps to tell her what happened to John?

Dirk continues being so salty Roxy’s experimenting with her gender, apparently. Aren’t there a million other things to deal with, pal?

Roxy is very glad to see Terezi, and she takes Terezi thinking she’s Dave as a compliment. She also compliments Terezi, giving her some heartache because it makes her remember the time she spent with John. It may have been a few hours, apparently. Time works in mysterious ways up there in paradox space!

The reason Terezi is here is because she feels John would come here, and she’s right, I bet. John would want to check on Jade as much as he can, so now that she’s carrying John’s cadaver around, she feels she should handle this all herself. It’s also confirmed she hasn’t told anyone John is dead.

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out

ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home

ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all

ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls

TEREZI: WH4T?

ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise

ROXY: some of it is like

ROXY: weird and violent??

ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um

ROXY: nudity????

TEREZI: >:?

ROXY: yeah yikes

ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit

ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

ROXY: so it was hard as hell to convince them to let me come see jade at all

ROXY: its like theyre traumatized

ROXY: and they think ill drag whatever possessed jade back into our home with me

So the end result for Calliope is that she’s traumatized. Seeing a dead version of herself possessing Jade must have really rattled her. As I said, this is all pretty grim for everyone in Homestuck, goodness. Although...part of me wonders if her current state is partly because of Dirk’s influence. He’s petty enough to mess with the living Calliope’s head as a ‘take that’ for Dead Calliope.

Someone tries to contact Terezi through her phone, she’s not sure who it’d be. Perhaps Dirk? He did show a preference to sending messages to his former friends and acquaintances. As if things weren’t awkward enough for Terezi, she’s asked if she knows what happened to John. Terezi, you can’t keep this under wraps forever. Sooner or later you have to tell everyone John died because of injuries in Lord English’s fight.

It seems Terezi can hear Dirk perfectly even when he’s talking in the narration, I suppose it’s because of her aspect. Oh, be careful with the stuff you say, Dirk! She’s also willing to whisper stuff to address Dirk, even if it gets odd looks from other people. On the other hand, this kind of leaves her more vulnerable to Dirk’s machinations, no? Part of manipulating people is responding to what they say, so with some luck this won’t go belly-up.

Once the conversation is over Roxy leaves and Dirk exposits Terezi still feels guilty about hiding John’s death from everyone, and she can’t even confide in Dave because of mistakes she did as a teenager in another timeline. It’s the curse of having the Mind aspect, isn’t it? Knowing what the choices cause. All of Dirk’s exposition bothers Terezi enough for her to tell him to scram, and he refuses to do so.

Come on, Terezi. You don’t belong here. You know you don’t belong here.

Do you feel threatened by Terezi, Dirk? Is that why you’re trying to push her away? I don’t think Terezi has anything that could be particularly useful against Dirk’s plans, so I’m not sure why he’s bothering to mess with her like this. She even points out they barely have crossed words.

Okay, I believe he feels threatened by her in some manner because he tries to convince her to join him in...some place. More like he wants her out of Earth C. He even offers to let her take John with her, which is why I’m sure he made her pick up the corpse, so he could manipulate her by using John. He finally leaves her alone with her thoughts, sure he managed to convince her enough. We’ll see.

Stopping for now!

Next time: next update

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #webcomics #liveblog #webcomic liveblog

7 notes · View notes

thelastspeecher · 6 years

Text

Been talking a lot about Emmett lately, and I was inspired today to write something starring everyone’s favorite twelve-toed nervous boy. So, here’s Emmett in the Superhero/villain AU, accidentally using his powers to control his dad.

“Emmett.” Emmett looked up from his comic book. His dad stood in front of him, visibly furious. He swallowed nervously and set the comic book down.

“Hi, Dad.”

“Wanna tell me why you weren’t at boxing?” Stan demanded.

“I was,” Emmett lied.

“Then how come when I stopped by to surprise you and your sister, you weren’t there?”

“I left early.”

“I showed up early,” Stan said, crossing his arms. Emmett looked away. “You gotta stop skipping, kid.”

“I don’t like it,” Emmett mumbled. Stan let out a sigh and sat next to Emmett on the couch.

“I know. And that’s fine. Your Uncle Ford didn’t like it, either. Neither did I, when I started.”

“Wait, really?” Emmett asked. Stan nodded.

“I hated it. But my dad kept making me go. It was the only good thing he ever did for me. I had to learn how to protect myself and Ford.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“You need to learn some self-defense skills.”

“You never made Danny or Daisy learn how to protect themselves.”

“They didn’t get picked on as much as you and Emily.”

“I don’t get picked on.”

“You came home from school with a black eye last week.” Stan sighed. “Your ma and I made complaints and everything, but schools don’t like stopping bullies. That’s why you need to learn how to do it yourself.”

“I already do ballet-” Emmett started.

“And that’s good. I’m proud of you,” Stan said. “Ballet is tough.” He put a hand on Emmett’s shoulder. “But it’s not gonna do squat to protect you. What are you gonna do if someone comes after you or Emily? A fancy jump? Some sorta twirl?”

“Dad, I’m not gonna go anymore,” Emmett said firmly. Stan scowled at him. “I mean it. I don’t care how much you look at me with that face.”

“And I don’t care that you don’t want to. It’s for your own good.”

“Dad-”

“When you were five, and you hated broccoli, do you think I let you not eat it, just ‘cause you didn’t like it? No. I made sure you cleaned your plate. This is the same thing,” Stan said. Emmett jumped to his feet.

“You can’t make me go!” Emmett yelled. Stan slowly stood.

“Don’t take that tone with me.”

“Even if you keep signin’ me up, I’ll keep skippin’. Even if ya drop me off, I’ll leave. I don’t want to do it anymore! It’s- you might think it’s good to force me to do something I don’t like, but it’s not! I hate it!”

“Emmett-”

“Do you really wanna do something Grandpa did?” Emmett asked. Stan’s face went red.

“That’s it!” Stan rumbled. Emmett froze. “Go to your room. Now.”

“But-”

“Now,” Stan growled. “I’ll figure out your punishment for talking to me like that later.” Emmett stormed off. He passed Emily on the stairs. She didn’t bother to pretend she hadn’t been eavesdropping.

“Emmett, that was bad,” she whispered.

“I know. He needs to stop makin’ me go to those stupid lessons.”

“No, not-” Emily grimaced. “You know how much Dad hates Grandpa. Why’d you compare Dad to him?”

“Yeah, well, he should stop doin’ stuff that Grandpa did,” Emmett muttered.

“I can hear you,” Stan said loudly. “Emmett, go to your room. Emily, go…weed the garden or somethin’. Do some chores.”

“Okay, Dad.” Emily glanced at Emmett warningly before heading downstairs. Emmett stuffed his hands in his pockets and finished going to his room. He slammed the door shut.

“Don’t slam doors!” Stan shouted from downstairs.

“Ugh!” Emmett threw himself onto his bed, burying his face into his pillows.

I hate this. I hate it. I just wish Dad would throw himself off the tallest building he could find.

A door downstairs opened and closed.

-----

“Emmett Stanley McGucket!” Emmett jerked instinctively at the sound of his full name being shouted from downstairs. The movement left a large streak across the math sheet he had been working on.

“Great,” he muttered. “Ma’s home.”

Dad definitely told her what happened. Now I get to hear the second part of the riot act.

“Emmett! Get down here! Now!” Angie yelled. Emmett reluctantly shuffled out of his room and down to the first floor.

“Ford, hold him down,” a voice said. Emmett paused at the foot of the stairs.

Uncle Lute?

“I am holding him down,” a second voice snapped. “At least we finally got the dampeners on him.”

Uncle Ford, too? There was a crash from the kitchen. What’s goin’ on?

“Where is that boy?” Lute’s voice asked.

“I don’t-” Angie stormed out of the kitchen. She was still in her villainy duds, but had removed her cowl. She spotted Emmett by the stairs. “Emmett. Come here.” Emmett felt a gust of wind push him towards the kitchen.

“You’re not gonna let me go on my own?” Emmett asked. Angie scowled.

“I’m not takin’ any chances.”

“Ma, I know that I skipped, and you’re angry,” Emmett started, following her into the kitchen. “But-” He froze. Lute and Ford were struggling to hold Stan down on the ground. His uncles had clearly been fighting to restrain Stan for quite some time; both their clothes were singed, and Ford had a bruise beginning to form on his cheek. “Wha- what happened?”

“You tell me,” Angie snapped. “What command did you give yer father this time?”

“Command? I-” Emmett’s blood ran cold. He stepped a bit closer to look at his father’s eyes. His pupils were dilated, the sure sign that he had been commanded by Emmett. Emmett swallowed. “I- I didn’t mean-”

“I saw him runnin’ ‘round town,” Lute said. “He seemed a bit off, so I got a closer look and saw his eyes. Knew right then it was yer handiwork, Emmett.” Emmett covered his mouth. “What?”

“I wanted him to jump off the tallest building he could find,” Emmett whispered. “I was just- I was angry at him, I-”

“Yes, yes, this is important information,” Ford interjected. He narrowly avoided another punch from Stan. “But I think it can wait until after you free Stan from your command.”

“I don’t know how.”

“That’s not an option right now,” Angie said firmly. Emmett looked at his mom. “Fix it.”

-----

It took fifteen minutes for Emmett to reverse the command, upon which he was promptly sent to the living room, so that the adults could discuss what they were going to do. Ten minutes after that, Emmett got called to the kitchen again. He joined his parents at the table, not making eye contact with either of them.

“Uncle Ford and Uncle Lute are gone?” he asked quietly.

“Yes,” Angie said. She clasped her hands. “Emmett…”

“I didn’t mean to!” Emmett wailed.

“Hey, hey,” Stan said, reaching a hand out to Emmett. “It’s okay, kiddo.”

“No, it’s not. I- I was mad and I- I wanted you to jump off a building and-”

“Why weren’t you wearing the power dampeners?” Stan asked.

“I couldn’t find ‘em.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty good at losing them.”

“I’m so sorry, Dad! I didn’t want you to get hurt! I just have mean thoughts sometimes.”

“Everybody does,” Angie said softly. She let out a sigh. “But yer thoughts are awful powerful, honey.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Emmett repeated.

“It’s okay, sport.” Stan grinned, but it was clearly forced. “It’s kinda my fault, anyways. You got my silver tongue.” Emmett looked away.

“Now’s not the time, Stanley,” Angie said quietly. Stan sighed.

“Right.”

“Emmett, yer goin’ to be punished,” Angie said. Emmett nodded. “But we’re goin’ to take the fact that it was an accident into consideration.”

“It’d be better if I didn’t have any powers at all,” Emmett mumbled.

“Don’t say that,” Stan said. “Yeah, yours are a bit tough. But we’ll figure it out.”

“If you say so.”

“And in the meantime…” Stan looked at Angie. She nodded. “We’re gonna make you switch schools.” Emmett gaped at Stan.

“What?”

“The school yer at right now isn’t equipped to handle someone with yer abilities,” Angie said. “That wouldn’t be a problem, except that ya keep losin’ the dampeners.”

“I don’t-”

“I know ya don’t mean to. But after today, we have to start makin’ decisions ‘bout what’s best fer you and everyone around you. So we’ll be sendin’ ya to Sycamore Grove.”

“Wh- the high school for villains?” Emmett squeaked. Angie and Stan nodded.

“I’m not happy about it,” Stan said quietly. “But it’s what needs to happen. The teachers there are used to students with powers like yours.”

“It’ll be fine, sweetie,” Angie said gently. Emmett hung his head.

“If you say so.”

“I do have some good news for you,” Stan said.

“What?”

“We’re gonna pull you out of boxing lessons.” Emmett’s head whipped up. He stared. “I still think it’s good for you. But you’re already dealing with stuff, and being forced to do somethin’ you hate isn’t gonna help.” Stan rubbed the back of his neck. “I know that from experience.” Emmett nodded. “Go to your room while we talk about your punishment.” Stan looked around the kitchen. There were a few scorch marks on the walls and floor, and a chair had broken. “And while we clean up. Man, I made a mess.”

“Pretty sure it’s technically my mess,” Emmett said. Stan rolled his eyes.

“C’mon, kid. How many times do I have to tell you – if you can get outta being blamed for something, take it! Even if it’s technically your fault.” Emmett quirked a small grin. “Now, go to your room. We’ll come get you in a bit.”

#I don't write enough Emmett. I need to write more with him.#I'm always worried I screw up his characterization. my own gotdang OC #but he's in fine form in this ficlet. angsty nervous boy with difficult superpower #Superhero/villain AU #Emmett McGucket #Stangie Family #Stanley Pines #Stanford Pines #Lute McGucket #Angie McGucket #Emily Pines #ficlet #my writing #speecher speaks

22 notes · View notes

peckhampeculiar · 6 years

Text

Twerking nine to five

PECKHAM’S KELECHNEKOFF STUDIO OFFERS FITNESS CLASSES RANGING FROM POLE-DANCING TO TWERKING TO YOGA. We meet its inspirational founder – the personal trainer, actress and Peckham resident Kelechi Okafor

WORDS JUMOKÉ FASHOLA PHOTO DILESH SOLANKI

I don’t think you could find anyone prouder to be a south Londoner than Kelechi Okafor. Born in Nigeria, she arrived to join her mother in Peckham at the age of five and the area has been her home ever since.

Describing herself as a ride or die Peckhamite, she not only lives locally, but has also established her Kelechnekoff fitness studio here.

Kelechi is a fierce, fun and fabulous woman, with boundless energy, who sees her remit as one of reclaiming the narrative about what it means to be a strong black female in the age of social media.

Her studio, based in the Sojourner Truth Centre on Sumner Road, offers everything from yoga to pole-dancing to twerking. Why twerking?

“One of the things I wanted from having a space like this,” she says, “is to allow women across the board to be tender and engage fully with their bodies.

“Because society has hyper-sexualised the female body so much, and the black female body specifically, there are women who just want to be as far away from that narrative as possible, not understanding that our power lies in the sexuality and sensuality of being a woman. That’s what I want us to take back.”

As an actor, director and personal trainer who specialises in twerk and pole-dance fitness, it’s been a challenging road to get to where she is today – from the homelessness she experienced as a teenager to supporting her mother and brothers, to depression, therapy, having to integrate into a new family when she first arrived in the UK, childhood sexual abuse and a lot more.

She has survived and is very open about her personal journey to date, particularly on social media. No topic is off limits – black issues, police brutality, mental health, her own recent miscarriage.

She has amassed a following of almost 35,000 people on Twitter, with a further 12,400 followers on Instagram. Where did her fascination with social media start?

“It was probably around 2013, when the shift started happening and I just felt that we had something here that allowed us to communicate with everybody, worldwide,” she says.

“I’ve always been a writer, and when Twitter came along I just took to it, because I thought, ‘This is a space where I can say what I’m thinking and I can put it out there as a form of microblogging.’

“I joined it when hardly anyone else was on there and I remember when the influx of celebrities started joining us. I thought, ‘There goes the neighbourhood, they are going to ruin everything!” she laughs.

“But it has changed and I’ve changed with it, as I saw how it allowed us to have our own voice separate from the narrative that we were getting from the media.

“I feel that this is where the power is. It’s an opportunity for me, Kelechi, to give you an alternative narrative to what you’d normally get from the mainstream.”

But in being so outspoken across her social media platforms, has there been a cost? “Yes, there has been, but I think that for anything that matters to you, there is always a sacrifice,” she says.

“Occasionally I will go online and there will be someone calling me a black b**** or a black this. Sometimes I save the tweets. Perhaps one day I’ll take it to court and then they’ll have to show up and explain that email or tweet they sent. But it hasn’t really got there.

“I did have horse manure sent to me in the first small studio I opened in Clapton, though,” she remembers ruefully.

“I had been speaking that weekend about the appropriation of black culture by mainstream pop artists.

“I was pointing out that when it’s ‘appropriation’, there’s always someone with more power who benefits from it financially. If it was ‘appreciation’, the person who has less of the power should be benefiting from it but they’re not.

“I was explaining that and someone got extremely upset with something I said, because soon after, I got horse manure posted to me anonymously.

“Although,” she laughs, “it didn’t even offend me because it was so well packaged and 100 per cent organic.”

What was the response to that experience from her social media followers?

“I have a lot of black female followers who care about my safety and care about my wellbeing. So, someone wrote an article for BuzzFeed about it, which basically helped promote my studio.

“Many people, men and women, sent me flowers and books of poetry including one by Maya Angelou. I just received so much love.”

Whatever the challenges she has faced in life, keeping fit has always been her way of working through issues.

“I’ve always been active and into sports”, she says. “Growing up, I played football and netball. It was stuff I didn’t have to try hard at, it was just a skill that I had.

“I had wanted to be head girl at school but my teacher thought I was too boisterous for that, so she said I could be sports captain instead.”

Her love of sport comes not just from her innate ability, but also from the discipline that it requires.

“When I was in secondary school I joined the air cadets. All I’ve ever yearned for, after not seeing it in the family home, is discipline. I like routine and structure.

“I think we were in year eight when we had a talk from the air cadets. And I thought, ‘Yeah, that’s it, I’m becoming an air cadet.’”

True to form she worked hard at it and for her, “the psychological part of the training gave me a break from being the one who did everything at home and having to be in control of everyone. I wanted and needed that break.”

Alongside fitness, her other passion is acting. It was a choice of career that her mother was dead set against.

“I can understand why,” she muses. “If you’re losing your home and don’t have a regular job, what you want for your children is a steady job. You want to know that they will never suffer or want for anything. Mum was like, ‘Just be a lawyer, you are such a great orator’.”

As a compromise, Kelechi found a course that would allow her to study both drama and law at Liverpool Hope University.

“I’d never been to Liverpool before,” she says, “but that’s the only place which was offering that degree.”

Coming back to London, she started working at a call centre and found it soul destroying.

“I remember going through London Bridge one day and just thinking, ‘There has to be something I can do where I’m not at the mercy of this corporation’. And I just thought, ‘I’ll become a personal trainer’. Fitness was the thing I loved most after acting.

“I saved up my money from my job, paid for a distance learning course and then I did lots of work experience in different gyms.”

Her business took off straightaway, courtesy of her followers on social media.

“When I did qualify, there were already women on Twitter and Instagram who were like, ‘Just come and train me’.

“So I went into that and that’s when I started to see the kind of freedom and flexibility that I could have access to without being at the mercy of big corporations.”

Her personal background means that she has a real desire to see women embrace who they truly are, not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually.

“What I really want for women to understand, especially when it comes to our bodies, is that we only have this one body,” she says.

“When I start training people, I want them to understand that there’s nothing I can do that’s going to make them more beautiful.

“I can get you slimmer if that’s what you really want. I can get you more toned, but none of these things are actually going to make you more beautiful, because it’s not really based on what you look like.

“[It’s about] getting my clients to understand that to me, personal training is 80 per cent psychological and emotional, and 20 per cent physical.

“You didn’t come to me because you care about your fitness, not really. There’s something else that’s happening there. What is that thing?

“If we talk about that ‘thing’, then the fitness doesn’t feel so bad. I’ve had women and men break down into tears when we’ve been having a session because I will say things like, ‘I just feel today that you’re holding a lot in’.

“I can feel it and then they let that out. And that’s what they needed. Then they feel safer because they know that I will spot it if they’re holding a lot that day and we taper the session to create space for them.”

She’s irritated by men who try to dominate in gyms. “I’ve had it myself when I’ll be training at the gym and a guy who clearly knows nothing about fitness comes up to me, just because I’m a woman, and says, ‘So when you’re doing this you really want to do it like this.’

“Wait, you’re telling me, the actual professional, how to do it?! And then they often have the temerity to say, ‘Don’t grow too much muscle though, because you don’t want to look like a man.’”

She dislikes the way Christmas and the new year are promoted to us commercially.

“It’s interesting to me how around Christmas time, the focus in adverts is on massive turkeys, chocolates etcetera, pushing a form of gluttony on us.

“Then as soon as January hits, it’s ‘You, disgusting fatty, get to the gym, get fit’, and I just think that we have to pull ourselves out of that. We are being sold one thing while being beaten with another. What does that do to your self esteem? We never know where we stand because companies were just telling us five minutes ago to eat all of the food!”

What’s on offer at her own gym is a way, according to her, of connecting women to the “divine feminine” through dance.

“With the twerking classes at the studio I wanted to celebrate my African-ness while still paying homage to the ways in which it has changed and how it’s now become linked with hip hop culture,” she says.

Also available at the Kelechnekoff studio are very popular classes in pole-dancing and also yoga, which she is particularly keen to make accessible to all, especially those on lower incomes.

She hopes in 2019 to include a few more aerial disciplines, such as aerial hoops and also Wing Chun defence classes. Primarily though, whether it’s a twerk hen party or a pole-dancing class, her dream is that the studio continues to be a fun place that celebrates all women.

On a personal level as we approach the new year, she’s living by her own mantra: “Don’t stop striving for that thing that makes your heart warm. You deserve it. You can achieve it.”

1 note · View note

tumblunni · 6 years

Text

HEY I LOVE POKEMON TRAINER BLACK

this boy is literally me what the fuck

Has anyone headcanoned him as autistic? Cos seriously SO many relateable moments! Or another neurodivergence/mental illness or just social awkwardness in general. He's every relateable everything!!!

But seriously tho there are so many ADORABLE moments of him being awkward and super enthusiastic and AAAAAA! like he's literally introduced appearing out of the shadows stuttering so quietly that the postman thinks he's a stalker and judo chops him into a pond. And then his idea of a logical way to prove his identity is to take the postman to his house, ask the neighbour if its his house, and then WALK BACK TO THE POND WHERE THEY WERE ORIGINALLY TALKING INSTEAD OF GOING INSIDE. Like even 'here's the package back, lets start over from scratch'. And then in contrast to how shy he was earlier he's all BOMBASTIC when he meets the other two heroes, he appears out of nowhere on a Braviary screaming about justice and dreams and then vanishes again just as quickly after he's saved everybody. So he's so relateable to me cos he's both shy and loud! Im like that, im so MAXIMUM 110% POWER when im with people im comfortablw with but thats only like 2% of people. And the autism relateableness really comes from the part where he cant control his loudness when he's talking about his hyperfocus? Like literally its treated like a SUPERPOWER in-universe, and the justification for the games being called black and white. "Black can't focus without his Munna eating his dreams, because he gets carrried away thinking about becoming the Champion and cant see what's right in front of him. He needs to turn all those blinding white thoughts back to black!" So seriously he's literally written having a problem that gets in the way of his daily life and using a support pokemon for it, and its literally a problem about hyperfocus and ALSO on top of that he has difficulty talking to people. I'm not just being nuts seeing autism relateability, right?

Also this manga made me appreciate Tepig more! They gave a lot of personality to the starters, showing them fighting each other while waiting to meet their new trainer. Tepig is exactly what you'd expect so far, a reckless shonen hero type who's a glutton for food and gets into trouble because of it. And then Snivy is the snooty beauty queen/king who gets all cold fury at Tepig whenever its stupid antics end up splashing dust or berry juice ln its beautiful tail. So they fight, and then oshawott is the shy pacifistic one who tries to break it up. BUT also it has kind of a demonic temper when you push its patience past the limit! Ten minutes of "but guys you should calm down hey maybe lets just talk about this over a nice cup of tea"and then "SHUDDUP AND DRINK YOUR GOD DAMN TEA" *instant kill samurai technique*

I LOVE THEM

And its so cute how Black befriends Tepig?? It got into trouble cos its shonen heroness made it depressed about losing the fight, its always all "i have to be the best" even when its not relevant or when its causing trouble fpr its own life in the process. So Black can instabtly understand and relate to how it feels! And then Tepig ends up wandering into an angry Sewaddle's food source and stabding on a precarious branch, comfort-eating the last leaf it was saving for winter. Again, hyperfocus letting you get so carried away you mess up! Relateable! So Black swoops in to save it and now he's yelling in full hyperfocus mode ABOUT HOW TEPIG IS THE BEST AND THEY ARE KINDRED SOULS AND I WILL HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS MY FRIEND!! and tepig cries because its personal dreams to be the best are sort of a self hatred thing where it starts these fights just cos its scared of being laughed at for being weak. And this is the first trainer who thought it was the best??? *sniff* And i like to think that even the artwork was kinda playing into it, cos it says that Black needs to have munna take away all of his dreams in order to focus, but the visual representation shows a mix of black and white tiles with the single solution tile in the middle of all the white ones. So its like in this situation his special interest actually helped him, once he was able to unfocus a little and realize the similarities with Tepig. If he'd conpletely stopped thinking about it he probably couldbt have solved the problem! So maybe his character development would involve learning to manage his focus more effectively instead of trying to magically remove all of it at once? I guess maybe that could be a metaphor for using heavy potentially-dangerous medicine on neurodiverse kids to get them to act "well behaved" but depressed, versus actually getting them the therapy, correct medication if necessary, and coping strategies to manage their condition and retain a full quality of life.

OR, AGAIN, MAYBE IM READING TOO MUCH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE INTO THIS

Oh also and i like that prof juniper is written as a bit of a longsuffering only-sane-person in this world of goofballs, who's not afraid to get sassy and sometimes strict when needs be. She kinda felt like she didnt have much personality in the games beyond being generically nice in all ways and having possibly the least dialogue of any professor. Same issue as elm but at least elm had one npc state he was messy and disorganized even if it wasnt a trait they really showed that much of. Anyway i'm glad to see a juniper that stands up for herself instead of just being all 'oh you kids tee hee' to everything 24/7. Its really like the barebones necessary for a professor character, they dont even actually bother to write a good kind character! Kindness doesnt have to be boring!! (Tho i also like this different sass version too!)

Anyway im lovin this so far so im gonna keep going! Favourite scene: "Knowing Black i bet he's either screaming off a clifftop about his dreams or curled up in the library hogging every book about Tepigs." *cut to him curled up in the library, also screaming*

#A Good Boy #A Good Me #thats it guys i dont even need to do a lets play bunni's pokemon advebture is literally already canon #good boy soft boy actual horcrux of my soul boy #oh man i wish i had an emotional support munna #i dont like how they draw it looking like an alien suckinh out his brain tho #then again a creepy but kind friend makes it even cuter!

1 note · View note

lonerism2105 · 3 years

Text

11/7/21 (archive)

i just dont know man... it feels whatever i perceived myself as is so fuckin incorrect. like i am just the opposite of what im supposed to be. my friends and i had a long talk and like they told me that i made everything about myself and that i dont sense another person's pain... that if someone tells me what they are going thru i say "oh yeah i went thru that" or "oh yeah no my friend went thru that". i just feel so shitty because that is not the person i wanna be. and why cant i share with people... like what makes me hesitare to share my things with others?? its just eating away at me when they said that i take more than i give... is it really true?? is that how people perceive me?? this is just fucking with my mind so bad... and about aarya... i just dont know man, her voice is ringing the loudest in my head... her words are like repeated stabs into my heart and they make me want to reach for the scalpel and actually hurt myself...

• "dont you have other friends" this was legit a stab in my heart yikes like lol it made me want to stab myself

• "sachi and i are going to always be closer to me than to you. she is MY best friend and she is always gonna choose me."

• "you have no loyalty"

• "i am saying this because we are already talking abiut it- sarah actually called me... you know how sachi is my best friend, sarah is my bff. she actually asked me how could you be friends with pani. like im actually disappointed- and the way she spoke shows that there actually hasnt been any growth since then." okay lets make one fact clear... i have never really spoken to or been that close to sarah and eleventh grade me idk... i dunno what caused her to jump to that conclusion and what triggered her to assume that about me. i just dont know...

• "sachi has gone thru even worse than you yet she doesn't do what you do."

• "yeah and you know who else got out of her home and is independent for the first time? sachi." lol this actually hurt xD and it's been on repeat in my head ever since yesterday.. i slept with this ringing in my head and i woke up with this ringing in my head... like damn everybody's trauma is different and everybody takes time to heal and it's not a fucking competition and sachi is way different than me... she is much more better at dealing with this shit and she had a headstart alright?? i let myself sink into that shitty gaslighting cycle and for the longest time i was convinced that being told to die was a normal parenting thing and that my parents were good hence they practiced so much control on me... but at the same time the way everyone kept in saying that "we have gone thru the same thing as you, you aren't any special" really makes me doubt that i have just made this all in my head and its so FUCKIng scary🥺 i am so scared that i have just been lying to myself and making this up and my parents were actually right that i have just put a label on it to get more attention.... just hahahah existential crisis has risen again...

im just... it's painful hehe. like i dunno where will we go from here and i honestly dont know what will happen to me. will i slip into that familiar welcoming sadness where i become numb and dissociate from reality... just like headless zombi with no direction? to be honest that sounds so ideal and so well known that i actually feel like letting myself fall... to not care about how im wasting, to starve and make myself suffer, to cause me physical pain so that it can take my mind off the deep pain and grief i feel inside me... i want to hurt myself more than anything else.. i want to punish myself and i want to beat myself i want to make myself feel such incredible pain... dont know if that makes me a sadist but to cause pain to myself feels like the only better alternative than to become numb... because being numb is like floating with no sense of time and just losing out on yourself while carving myself up will atleast remind me that im human that i bleed like other do and that i have some sort of semblance to others despite being so fucked up... maybe mama was right.. maybe i am a habitual liar and maybe i deserve to be alone

yes i want to therapy and that always gonna be around but my self destructive bitton has been pressed and to think about anything that will make me better feels so yuck

i dunno man... guess im just gonna stop talking about myself altogether. i actually felt comfortable with this group to talk about things that i haven't really told many people and thats perceived as being insensitive... singh actually told that im making my personality all about being sad and yikes that just means i got too comfortable and in turn made other people uncomfortable. never talking about my trauma ever again. never ever EVER. i either type it down or write it down ir just shove it to the side and distract myself. i am never gonna talk about what im going thru or if im suffering because i don't need that kind of power struggle. from no one im going to work to make my facade so strong and so impenetrable that no one can know... not even the people closest to me because im a ticking time bomb and i cant risk losing the few people i have... arushi literally said kitne din aur tera randi rona sunanana padega xD well not anymore now onwards im just not gonna open up. i am gonna shut myself up completely so that nobody can know me. too late that these guys know way too much and i wanna kick myself for it but going forward, no on absolutely no one will know about me.. you can call me mysterious or whateva idc... im just gonna be a massive bitch and towards the people i care about im gonna be funny, nice and all things nice. yesss this sounds so much better... being jaded and stoic really sounds like a nice idea ❤️ if only i could get an unhealthy coping mechanism like smoking along with it.. it would just be perfect. numb everything, sounds so beautiful and attainable than actually facing my demons. like Aastha said, just think of this as character development well yall would definitely enjoy this new character arc 😁 of course i would be funny and the comic relief and yes im gonna be a better listener and be more empathetic but im never gonna talk about my joys, my sadness, ny trauma, my happiness, my family relationships... nothing. radio silence. im closing my heart up hence forth such a pain in the ass... its what fucks me over the most so im just gonna kill all the hopes on having "my person" or having a "soulmate' because that hope has always hurt me. and i was born alone so im gonna die alone and that's a fact. hope is such a bitchy thing... always got me ahead of myself and always fucked me over. no more hope... we are just gonna fake it till we make it... im gonna fake my happiness, my humor, my joy everything because absolutely no one can know how i am dying a little everyday. no one can know the amount of hate for myself i hold in my heart. no one can know the things that pain me. no one can know the things that give me joy. no one no one no one. no one is getting closer to me because i need to reduce collateral damage... i am not gonna kill myself obviously but oh... the things i have in store for punishing me?? its gonna be fun 😁 if im not a person anyone can give a second thought about then that definitely means i should not care about myself either. but of course... im gonna be kind and polite and definitely work on being generous.. im gonna continue being a good person even tho aarya says otherwise. i am good and i will stick to that part of my upbringing. im gonna excel in my studies most obviously... gotta play to my strengths so i can convince just how much of a perfect life i have 🥰 being fake sounds so much fun 😁 and i cant wait to fake about my entire personality as being funny, edgy and kind at the same time... sounds beautiful

therapy is always gonna be there bit i really need this for now... imma tell papa that my exams are coming close so i really cant give much attention to therapy maybe after that

damn this is actually a nice thing... to write/type it all down makes me feel lighter and more resolved.

0 notes

ikeajoint · 7 years

Text

This was going to go to Duncan.

I was going to send this to him. But i didnt. He might read this anyway, and that's why I'm putting it here. Part of me wants him to read this, but I'm mortified to show him directly. I have to get this out. So.

Why am I still living with my parents? Why am I working at a grocery store? How did i ruin my own life so completely? I always told myself my worst fear was being boring. It waz staying in Pennsylvania and doing nothing. I don't want to do nothing. I dont want to be boring, but it's too late and I think I trapped myself already somehow. Maddy always said she'd kill herself if she ended up a townee and I always agreed but I'm doing it right now.

That's what I'm doing. I make small talk with my grandfather's girlfriend at the grocery store that I work at because I can't get away from any of it. I don't want to see him before he dies. I'm going to wait until he does and my parents are going to make me go to his funeral and I'm gonna look at him and say I didn't know him and feel sorry for myself because that's the only way I can justify my sadness.

And I'm unloading it on you because the real reason I got grindr is because I have no self worth, and I'll do anything to feel valid for an hour. I feel like all I do is waste your time because you're probably the only real friend I have. I can't relate to anyone my own age because they're all doing things that I'm not doing. I keep getting invited to go out with this Joey guy but I always turn him down because I'm terrified of myself. In so conceited it hurts and I think just must like talking about how much I hate myself.

I feel like all I do is complain about everything and I never do anything to fix it. I just dig deeper into my self loathing. I didn't go to work today because I couldnt get out of bed. I couldn't make myself do it. I'm slipping again and I don't know what to do. I'm about to cry again, even though I've done that already three times this week. Im sick of crying. I want to get my life together now, and I want to take my own advice. I want to fall in love with someone who can love me back. I want to go new places. I always want to go new places, but I never go there.

I did walk a new trail yesterday, but what did that really change? I carried my McDonald's bag of empty wrappers through that birdwatching trail and I didn't see a single goddamn bird. I got back to my car and drove home and went to bed and didn't come down for dinner. I've been awake since seven-forty this morning and I haven't done anything but drink a capri-sun and eat Cheez-Its. I watched Bo-Jack Horseman and made myself worse.

There are at least two people genuinely worried about me but I don't know what to say when they ask me how they can help. "Help me find a sense of fulfillment? Put me in a coma so I don't have to face myself?" What do I say? It's all internal. Everything that is wrong is internal and there isn't anything I can do with it.

Watching Bo-Jack and eating Cheez-Its already told me the answer and it's that I'm broken. No matter what face I put on. No matter how good I fake it in public. I'll always be broken and there isn't any redemption. Everything stupid I ever said will always haunt me before I fall asleep, and that's just part of life. It isnt going away. Nothing is going away until I die, and I'm too much of a coward to do anything about that, too.

How do I change my life? What happened to the goals I set for myself the last time this happened? What happened to me that made me depressed and why the hell won't it go away? I was so afraid of the dark last night that cried trying to turn the lights on. You can ask Ryan, I called him. I was hiding under the covers and I called him because I was so suddenly afraid of the dark. I was actually screaming. I fell asleep with the lights on, but before that happened I had a brief fear.

What if I do that when I spend the night next weekend? What are you going to think of me then? Youre going to tell me it's okay, and that it happens to everybody. Youre going to do that because you're far too kind to me than I deserve. I've been trying to get the balls to ask you if I can come over. Seeing you makes me feel better. Hell, just being in your apartment makes me feel better. I'm just afraid of dragging you down with me. I don't want to be selfish, and I know its probably like a 50/50 chance I'll even feel better anyway.

I didn't tell this part. You remember that time when I said I debated killing myself on the way home from your place? I left out two things. One, I would have died happy, knowing you care about me. Two, I sobbed for a solid fifteen minutes outside your house. I keep thinking back to that, because I wish you would have noticed. Its not your fault, if I wanted comfort, I could have asked and there isn't a reason I can think of why you wouldn't have come. But you didn't know, because I didn't say, so I can only hold it against myself.

Theres something I didn't tell you before. I'm kind of a leech. I latch on to people and cling to them until they realize I'm there and burn me off. I drain them. I'm clingy and I make drama for myself without realizing it. I don't really take control over my life and then complain about it going nowhere.

I've rambled on far too long to delete this. So I'll just post it. If you read this, you should message me.

#tw depressing #tw suicide

1 note · View note

compunctionjunction · 8 years

Text

70 horrible questions

I was tagged by the lovely @1of1prism thank u my guy <3

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Maybe better than some people but probably also worse than a lot of people lol. Sometimes I go to people’s houses and I’m like ???what is this “communication”. Also depends on the day and parent. i have an entire tag devoted to my dad lol

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? I dunno probs my mom or one of my friends

03: Do you regret anything? Lots

04: Are you insecure? "My insecurities have insecurities” tho tbh i’m gettin pretty good.

05: What is your relationship status? Single and not ready to mingle

06: How do you want to die? in control and ready 2 go

07: What did you last eat? cream of chicken soup... chocolate frozen yogurt... caramel pudding....... I just had my wisdom teeth out.......give me real food......

08: Played any sports? Never, in my life. The audacity.

09: Do you bite your nails? Ahuh! Sometimes!

10: When was your last physical fight? ive never been in a 2-way fight but the most recent 1-sided one was probs in gr 6 when one of my friends (aha) dragged me across the classroom by my hair lol

11: Do you like someone? No :\

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? try 72 hon

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? lol trump (im not changing ur answer sophie cause its accurate lol) also anyone who aligns w him and rn all the conservative MPs for being dicks and a lot more I’m full of hatred rn

14: Do you miss someone? i miss being able to eat real

15: Have any pets? my sister has 2 ferrets :\ but she moved out so no

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? my face hurts

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? made out a cheque to my haters (just kidding i have no money and no haters i just was trying to be funny. im sorry. i need humour right now.)

18: Are you scared of spiders? i mean i think it depends on how dark it is and how big the spider is tbh

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? i dunno i’ll need an informed consent form

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? :\

21: What are your plans for this weekend? first i gotta recover and then i gotta finish like 5 papers and hang with people and have a sleepover and hang with more ppl and watch a bunch of tv

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? I want to give birth to 0 kids tho I am still undecided on adoption etc. I’d probs be a rly good godmother tho like im just sayin. @1of1prism @purewhiteflames ;))

23: Do you have piercings? How many? no piercings as of yet tho i wanna get my ears pierced i think. but my dad disapproves of anything like that so i’d probs have to wait to either move out or be financially independent lol

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? rn? english, women and gender studies, most things involving research-based papers where i have free reign over the topic

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? lotsa ppl tbh

26: What are you craving right now? food........that i can eat........ chickenmelts........hamburgers......pizza........pasta......... :’(

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? prob lol but do i care

28: Have you ever been cheated on? we’ve all been cheated on.......by the system.....

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? that would require having one

30: What’s irritating you right now? my goddamn jaw and people eating food I can’t eat in front of me. my parents had mcdonalds yesterday. you know what i had. a milkshake. my sister brought home bacon wrapped scallops. I haven’t had scallops in like 2 years cause they’ve doubled in price and the one time we have scallops let alone frickin bacon wrapped scallops (like what the hell what kinda fancyass lunch) I cant FRICKIN eat it. Oh but I can smell it. I can hear u crunching on these foods. “Mmmmm!” ya shut up.

31: Does somebody love you? Do you know how popular I am? I am soooo popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.

32: What is your favourite color? black and hot pink together

33: Do you have trust issues? ...........why are u asking..........what will u do with that info.......

34: Who/what was your last dream about? NO FREAKING JOKE!!!!!! i HAD A FRICKIN DREAM WHERE DANNY DEVITO CAME TO MY HOUSE WITH THIS LADY AND THEY TRIED TO BUY MY HOUSE AND MY MOM WAS LIKE “no..” AND THEY WERE SO MAD AND DANNY DEVITO TRIED TO STEAL THE HOUSE KEYS BUT I CAUGHT HIM JUST IN TIME like what kinda fake tumblr text post but it’s real i really dreamed that. I honestly can’t believe it. I would doubt it myself except I told someone abt it right away when I woke up. so now i will never forget.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom and this nurse because I woke up in a cot after being high on laughing gas and some other drug and steroids so not only did I wake up and I didn’t know where I was and no one was there and there was like an hour gap in my consciousness but I was coming off a high LOL

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? definitely not lol I give 2nd chances on rare occasions but as a general rule if u break my trust I won’t trust u in the same way again lol “trust is like a mirror. u can fix it if it’s broke. but u can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection”

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm forgive i guess

38: Is this year the best year of your life? well not politically or in a global sense but in terms of like self-growth and stuff I’m doing pretty well so far I’m doin pretty good. workin hard... having fun.. loving myself..

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? i have never in my life sullied my lips with someone else’s bacteria-laden lips

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? n.........o

51: Favourite food? chicken pasta alfredo, chicken pie, chicken vol au vents, chickenmelts, eggs benedict, um, double chocolate fudge tart from dufflet... hmm, Sophie’s dad’s lasagna and also pasta al fuerno or whatever that’s called like yum, uh.. it’s really easy to list these off when i CAN’T HAVE ANY OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also poutine, and I also rly like Subway (ham and cheese on italian herbs and cheese bread with lettuce, onion, pickles, and mayonaisse, toasted...)

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? kind of but I tried to explain it to someone once and they were like ??????what ur saying makes no sense and contradicts itself and i was like ya probably lol

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? watched a bad tv show my parents were watching and drank a giant mcdonalds milkshake and iced my face

54: Is cheating ever okay? honestly who am i to judge ur relationship and forgiveness and stuff but like imo if someone cheats on u they don’t respect u as an equal in that relationship or probably as a human

55: Are you mean? i can be a bit of a dick tbh but most of the time when i say something mean in my head im like “why is my mouth saying//why are my fingers typing these horrible ass things??”

56: How many people have you fist fought? well ive never used my fists on anyone but 2 people have punched me in the stomach does that count lol

57: Do you believe in true love? at the same time, i wanna hug you, i wanna wrap my hands around your neck, you’re an asshole, but i love you... so much i think it must be true love, true love. it must be tru-e love, no one else could break my heart like yo-o-o-o-o-o. yo-o-o-o-oh, oh-o-o-oh (No)

58: Favourite weather? either when its foggy and tranquil or when its like 23-25 degrees and sunny but also there’s some clouds so it’s not like direct hot sun on u but it’s still warm enough to wear shorts

59: Do you like the snow? i like when it’s snowing and quiet and peaceful and i like lying down in the snow and having that feeling of hearing everything kind of muted? but ya i hate slush and ice and stuff

60: Do you wanna get married? not really but i might for tax benefits LOL

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, get that shit away from me

62: What makes you happy? lots of things especially seeing other people happy and genuine

63: Would you change your name? Maybe tbh it’s something i’m thinking abt right now cause I’m not a super fan of my name but maybe not officially and I also don’t wanna start shit with my fam I think my mom would be upset lol

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? ya cause they don’t exist lol

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well thats nice cause I like him too but what’s with this “opposite sex” bs like i know what u mean but like

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? like seriously it’s not a real thing sex and gender are both constructs it’s a spectrum, a range. my buddy. pal. listen. (also ya i like to think anyone in our friend group but like probs john cause I can be scathing with those guys but as if i’d ever be vulnerable around them LOL)

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? like ur gonna keep going with this. ur gonna keep doing this. thats fine. but i can give u some reading. like i have all these pdfs if ur interested. no joke. and if pdfs are unaccessible to u i also have a bunch of youtube links. like hon. (my dad)

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? wow i dont even know if i can tag u back @1of1prism cause if im being honest i think it was @purewhiteflames oops, yikes!!!

69: Do you believe in soulmates? no but i do think there are people that u are much more compatible with than other people

70: Is there anyone you would die for? i dunno we’ll see if/when it happens lol

I’m not gonna put anyone else through this so you can say I tagged u if u wanna do it but like lol

#tag game #about #man i forgot abt some of the things my dad has said and then i went through his tag and i was like #oh ya!!! that happened lol!#i guess it is easier to forget than forgive after all loool #my dad #marinapleasecontinue

5 notes · View notes

yourcertainstudentlight-blog · 6 years

Text

Ogden Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71853

"Ogden Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71853

Ogden Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71853

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

RELATED QUESTIONS:

Teenage insurance on a Land Rover?

I'm 17 and I'm looking for insurance on my 2002 Land Rover 90 2.4. No companies will insure me for less than 3500 if at all! Any suggestions? Cheers!

What is the difference between a high and low deductible?

Hello everyone! I really need your help! Im a 19 years old female student. I work part time and i earn at least $800 a month. Im currently looking for health insurance but im really frustrated because i dont know the difference between a high and low deductible. What if the deductilbe is $5000?? I just need a health insurance that covers doctors visits, like the dermatoligist and exams like mammography.""

How do I advertise to people in California qualified to buy car insurance?

For the best insurance coverage all you need is a fax machine and a genuine need and intention to buy auto insurance now.

What is the cheapest car and home insurance?

The car insurance would cover for 2 people, me and my mother. The home insurance would be for our apartment. She asked me to look this up for her and I have no idea where to start. A little guidance would be great? Thanks :]""

Im losing all my teeth & I cant get insurance anywhere!!!!?

I am only 22 years old & I noticed all of my back teeth slowly breaking away about 6 months ago. I went to a clinic & found out I have a bad infection, next to no enamel & serious gum disease. They gave me prescription & that's when I found out I had no medical insurance. I never got the meds. because I could not afford them. Since than it has gotten so much worse. I am a single mom of 2 young boys. I pay my own Rent phone electric & everything else with a next to nothing paycheck. So at the end of the month I am left with Nothing. I went to the welfare office & was turned down because I make more than 400$ a month. My job doesn't provide dental but this infection has spread so fast that I don't have 1 tooth that's not infected & the only ones that can even still be saved are the top 4 in the front. I don't even remember what it feels like to eat solid food & I have tried everything to get health insurance..but I have no $ left over @ the end of the mouth. I feel lost. Does any1 know of anything I can do? This is painful in every way.& I think it is crazy that I can not have dental insurance because I have a job. I cant quit my job to save my teeth. My fronts probably have less than a month b4 they start to chip away from the gum line...& I am out of options.""

Where can I buy health insurance?

I'm an self-employed worker. Need some health insurance because you never know when I'll get injured.

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old?

I live in CA orange county and have a 1999 honda. Parents have good insurance

Can anyone reccomend a cheap car insurance company?

My Husbands car insurance is due to run out the end of this month, however he is also waiting to see if someone puts a claim in against his insurance as he had a slight prang with another car, through no fault of his own. His insurance company have said that whie they wait to see if this claim is put through, the other person has 2 months, then they are going to charge him as if he has no noclaims bonus, this will be 120 a month. He just wants to find a company that will insure him for a couple of months that is cheaper than this till he sees if the claim goes through or not, if it doen's he will have 3 yeas no claims, hope this makes sense, thanks in advance x""

How much on average is insurance for a citroen c2 for a 18 year old?

I saved the money for my first car finally and i love the look of c2's. i was just wondering the average price of insurance if its my 1st car, i am 18 and was thinking about ...show more""

Do you have health insurance?

if so, how much is it per month? How old are you? What kind of deducatable do you have? feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance? also, do you support obamacare?""

How much would car insurance be...?

My Bf and I are going to be moving in together within the next year, we are going to have only one care, (i think) and possibly two within the next 2 or 3 years. We'll be living in North Carolina. I just need an estimate as too how much car insurance for us would be? Thanks!""

Do I have to purchase supplementary car insurance for a rental car?

I have sold my car and my old insurance has expired and I dont have a credit card, so I have only a debit card. I need to rent a car for one day to use it in town, we have enterprise car rental, all their insurance are optional , my question do I need to buy the supplementary liability insurance since I dont have any kind of insurance? Is it required by law to do so? Is the insurance company have to provide the basic liability, and then they offer supplementary?""

Which are the top 10 insurance company of USA?

I would like to know about top 10 insurance companies of US. Because I want to buy a life insurance policy. Before buying this I would like to compare the insurance quotes of top 10 insurance of companies.

What do you pay for car insurance? per MONTH?

How old are you and what do you drive? How much would insurance for a brand new 16 y/o driver typically cost? just an estimate? thank you.

Non owners insurance?

Where can I find good quality, affordable non owners insurance I live in Elmwood park,Il...""

Recovery/treatment dates for disability insurance?

If someone was never treated for borderline hypertension, they just controlled it with diet without any input from a doctor, what can be used as recovery and last treatment dates? Could it be when the patient's current physician first had their blood pressure measured and it was normal?""

How much would car insurance be?

How much would car insurance be for a 19 year old male first time driver driving a car cost around 1200 1.2l engine

How much does car insurance cost for teenage girls in Denver Colorado?

I'm 17 years old.

Car Insurance for young people?

I know I can go online and get a quote by entering in a bunch of information.. But generally speaking.. How much would insurance be for 1.) an 18 year old female college student with good grades, no accidents or tickets. 2.) a 20 year old male college student with good grades and 1 speeding ticket Asking about general liability for a semi-decent car. Any other information would be great =]""

How much does medical insurance cost per month?

I'm talking about medical insurance gotten through an employer. And I'm interested in the FULL premium, not just the employee's share. (So if your employer pays half, multiply your payment by 2.) Whatever your situation, please let me know. Because I want to know what to expect for each of the following situations: - Employee Only Insured - Employee + Spouse - Employee + Child - Whole Family Thanks!""

Car insurance help please ?

I'm 18 and I am soon to be having a car, (hopefully) now everybody in the UK knows hows stupid car insurance is for new/young drivers. my dad says he will not put me on his insurance as IF i had a crash and needed to claim it would knock off his no claims, that is perfectly understanding but wile looking on Moneysupermarket i noticed the (protect no claims) if i was a named driver on my dads insurance would i get that cheaper, i know later in life i'm gonna have to start my own but thats for when im on more money at work etc, so what i am asking would this work out? and everybody becomes a winner? thank you for any help (im only looking for a Ford Fiesta mk2/3 1.0/1.1)""

Insurance companies will have 32 million new customers because of Obamacare. How is this socialism?

The Affordable Care Act was modeled after a Republican health care plan by the Heritage Foundation and was first implemented by a Republican governor. All this bill does is makes sure that insurance companies have 32 million new customers. I could understand if you called Single Payer socialism (which I highly support), but calling Obamacare socialist is pretty stupid.""

How much would insurance be for...?

A 2001 Audi TT, Turbo I think. It would be for a 16-17 year old. Kept in the drive way or a locked garage. I think the car itself is about $6,000 without tax. Dont tell me abunch of stuff like all these statistics and stuff like depending on .... I just want your personal opinoin/rough estimate how much it would be per year or month. I would probably be the occasional driver, and my dad would probably be the primary driver, even though Id drive it more often. Just give me a rough estimate in your opinoin.""

What is a reputable insurance company that offers liability insurance for DJs?

I am looking to get started into the mobile DJ business although am wanting to find out what insurance company is the best.

Information on car insurance coverage?

I was being driven over to a friends house to pick up some paper work, I do not have a driver liceance but my friend does, when another car passed us they came to far over and forced us in which resulted in us side swiping a parked car in the street, The car belongs to my fiance and myself, I'am on the insurance as iam in the process if obtaining a permitt, she drives the car very few times, only when I need to get somewhere and her son has her car, I filed the claim and when the claim adjustor got back to me she was saying our friend may have to run a claim through her insurance instead, we have full coverage collision and all, limited tort, in a no fault insurance state, PA, ive talked with many people and been told my insurance should cover it with no problem, she cannot claim this her son literally wrecked her car 2 months back, seeings how we are fully covered and she is a very occasional driver, I was told its the first thing they will try naturally as an insurance company is try to have everyone else foot the bill first, I'am curious as I'am certain we should be able to cover it, even though she was driving it was me on the passenger side who had said she should be able to move over as I was certain there was clearance which guess not as we were pretty certain the other driver would have hit us, will a full coverage policy cover this if the car in question has the policy on it and one of the insured on the policy was in the car at the time as well? we have Infinity auto insurance, thanks!""

Ogden Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71853

Does driving a corvette raise your car insurance?

""I pay more than $10,000 per year for Health Insurance, does that sound reasonable?""

I'm self employed and gross about $105,000 / year. Have wife and 3 small children. (wife stays home) Premium for family is $857.41 / month and increases about 11% per year. M.D. visits have $20 co-pay. Policy through Excellus BC/BS. We live upstate New York and have no health problems.""

Any one know anything about the new medical insurances?

Please tell me that my co-payments will be less! I pay $15 for my primary care physician, $25 to see a specialist, that my primary care physician sends me to, from time to time, and $25 for lab blood tests. Most of my medicine co-payments are reasonable. Except two: $60 each every 30 days. Ouch. I am 60 and working full-time.""

How much will my monthly payment and insurance be for a sports car?

im trying to figure out how much my car insurance will be. im 17, ive never owned a car, have no credit history and i want to buy a 1990 toyota supra which is a sports car. the car will probably cost $5000. i just really need to know how much i can expect to be paying a month with insurance and monthly payments""

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old driver?

I am about to turn 16 in August. And I'm wondering if you can tell me a estimated guess on how much car insurance will be. My family is insured with State Farm. If there is another company that may be cheaper please tell me. My family has several cars under Sate Farm if that makes a difference. I will be driving a 2007-8 Ford F-150 Lariat 2 wheel drive. I have all A's and have over 60 community service hours. If any of this makes a difference. How much will I start off spending and how fast does it get lowered and what will it get lowered to about?

Do I need my car to put insurance on it?

My car got impounded last night and I need to register the car in my name in order to put insurance on it, Im going to the DMV Monday morning to register it then head over to put insurance on it but need help on knowing whether I do need my car with me. Do i need My Car to register it and put basic cheap insurance on it too? Please let me know. My state is California. & i do have a valid driver license too. Thank you :)""

How much is it for a girls car insurance?

I'm in grade eight and we have to do this project and for one of the questions I need to know how much my car insurance would be, I'm a girl as I said and I live in Ontario, Canada. Anyone know?""

Will a stolen recovered car affect the insurance and vehicle value?

I'm looking to purchase a car that is stated stolen/recovered NOT cat C or cat D What does this mean? Will it affect the insurance price? Can I get insurance if I'm 17?

Affordable Health Insurance for Student in MA?

Hi, if you go to school in MA, you would know that the insurance company offered by school are overpriced. I'm looking for affordable, low-cost, health insurance for college student in Massachusetts. Thank you.""

Is the jeep wrangler cheap for insurance?

Do auto insurance companies actually confirm the info you provide for the quote?

After requesting a quote online, you anto insurance companies actually confirm that all the info u gave are true? For example; moving violations, actual address? Does the DMV verify this info?""

How can I tell if my chiropractor is under my insurance?

How can I tell if the chiropractor I have been going to accepts my insurance. I'm switching insurances on November 1st, so I need to know if they accept my new insurance. If they don't, I want to see what my other options are.""

What's the cheapest and best company for car insurance/home insurance/life?

We are moving out of our current state and need to switch companies. I was just wondering what the cheapest company (also with good service) for all types of insurance would be. Thanks!

Including Teen on Auto Insurance?

Is it okay for a parent to get it insured under their name, and not include the child's name so the cost is lower?""

NC Divers License and insurance?

My boyfriend is looking to get his license for the first time and we have a question about insurance. As far as I know, in the state of NC you cannot get your license w/o having car insurance. How can you get your license w/o having a car to issue insurance on? In other words, if he doesn't have a vehicle, why do they require you to have insurance before obtaining your license?""

""If someone is driving your car and they get a ticket, does it affect your insurance rates?

Will it make your insurance higher?

How much is insurance for teens?

Im almost 16 and im wondering cause my parents dont want to pay 300-400 a month. And i do good in school if that cuts costs down.

Where can you find some cheap auto insurance quotes ..online?

Where can you find some cheap auto insurance quotes online?

""Car insurance, when does it drop?""

Im 19 years old, and payed $155 a month for my car insurance, a year later, no accidents tickets or anything and its $106. Definately not complaining, but i was just wondering if theres some sort of formula insurance companies use.. because i always thought when you turn 25 it goes down dramatically, but this for me is pretty dramatic. And also one year from now can i expect it to go down 50 more dollars?? thanks in advance""

What is the cheapest auto insurance?

Advice for health insurance please? (community college student with low-paying part-time job)?

I haven't had health insurance since I turned 18 and no longer qualified for my family's health insurance plan. I wasn't really concerned at the time, but now that its been a few years (I am almost 21 now), I am in need of dental care. My problem is that I don't know what my health insurance options currently are. I am a college student, although my community college does not offer any health plans for students. I do have a part time job at a daycare that offers health insurance, however its price is far too high for my income. The insurance company is Aetna, and would cost me $16.92 for the lowest medical option, plus $4.61 for dental. So that would cost me $21.53 weekly, which doesn't sound too bad, except I only earn about $120 every two weeks....reducing my paychecks to about only $76 every two weeks....which just isn't enough for me to live on considering that I pay for my own food and everything else needed. So.... does anyone know of health insurance companies that have options for community college students like me? I know state insurance may be an option, but I have a feeling I don't qualify for that since I'm not legally an independent, yet I can't afford to move out and become independent. See the nasty cycle now? lol. And no, earning more money and finding a better paying job is not an option for me at this time. I can't transfer to a college that does offer health insurance for another two years either.. If anyone can give me advice, I'd be very grateful. Thank you in advance =)""

How can u break a medical insurance policy to get your own insurance?

my girlfriends mom wont give her the copy of medical card and wants to get her own policy

Will obstruction of plate show up on car insurance?

I got a ticket for obstruction of plate this morning and I was wondering whether this will show up as a record on the insurance. I would rather pay it off myself because I don't want my parents to find out. Also, will it increase the rates? I read somewhere that no proof of insurance can increase rates, but I got a ticket for that awhile ago, it didn't affect anything.""

Insurance for my car stuck in the middle of an accident?

Driving in the UK today, my car was hit by a car from behind. becuase of that , my car lurched forwards and crashed into a car in front. The car in front did not suffer much damage. I have third party insurance. Who pays who ? Should i settle with the guy in front to protect my no claims bonus ?""

""I bought my first car and need to get insurance on it, do I have to put my parents on my policy?""

I've talked to a few different insurance companies and half of them insist I need to put my parents on my policy since they're family and I live with them. The other half of the companies don't even ask. If I add my parents to my policy it makes the price per month go up a ton, and know one that I've asked has been able to tell me if I should have to add them or not, I'd rather not add them, since they don't drive my car anyways, we all have our own cars to drive.""

Ogden Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71853

Is the amount you paid for your car covered by full insurance if an uninsured motorist hits you?

A friend was stopped at a light when some idiot hit her car and totalled it! Although, she has full coverage on the car(she just recently finished paying off), the idiot who hit her did not have any insurance! The total she paid on her car was $13K. The insurance company only wants to give her the blue book value of $3000! The situation is even worse because the offending party have no insurance! Is the insurance company trying to rip her off?! What should she do to get back at least close to the total amount she paid for her car?""

17 year old getting insurance in NY?

I am planning to buy a car in a couple of months. Probably a Honda Civic/Accord from 1994 and up. I dont have more than 3500. How much will insurance cost to pay by myself? Added on my parents?They currently pay 130 a month. I have 90 average in school and a 10% discount fot compleating a drivers ed program.

Will police know if your car insurance policy has been cancelled?

Paying my car insurance is my number one priority but after being unemployed for 2 months and finally starting a job, I can't pay my next bill. I called my insurance company and got a 15 day extension but I start my new job on Monday so I might not be able to pay the bill. If my proof of Insurance says it ends in August and I missed July's payment and the insurance is cancelled, can a police officer find out? Again, I am not asking because I want to skip out on my insurance. I have run out of funds and I am starting a new job on Monday. Also, if it matters, I live in Michigan.""

I am 18 years old and going to lose my insurance NH?

My father lives in California and I was under his insurance until he got laid off, now I have about a month to get insurance and I am kinda screwed. I have to have allergy shots every three weeks and I am on a plan to control my allergies and asthma so having no insurance is not an option. My grandparents did have guardianship of me but since I am 18 I no longer qualify for their insurance.What do I qualify for and how do I apply?""

I was rear ended a few months back and had no insurance?

Me and my wife and a friend were driving in california and we were rear ended we pulled over and so did the other people. I looked at our car and there was no visible damage. i took pictures to show. and the guy who hit us had major front end damage he just wanted to drive away and get no information but we took his info so he asked for ours. four months later i get a letter from the dmv saying he is coming after me for insurance to pay him for the damages . i am assuming he is lying and said i hit him or something but i have two witnesses who saw everything my wife even had a ****** up neck problem for a while and still does but we didnt want to go to the hospital because of the no insurance thing. i was hired for a job at a dealership but cant get my salesperson license because of this and my license will be suspended next month what do i do to fix this whole mess. and if i can be lucky come out of this with some money because he is lying through his neck to attack me. I had a perfect driving record as well.

Why would my car insurance go up?

Why would my car insurance go up? I pay my car insurance in full every 6 months and my car insurance is going up $150. I haven't gotten any tickets or in any accidents. I haven't had to pay this much since I was 19.

Im having a baby.. now i need insurance.. what am i able to do?

Im having a baby.. now i need insurance.. what am i able to do? Shes about a month along, andwe donthave insurance tohelp us have it.. what can i do? Can i still get it or do they see that as priorissue andsayno.. We need help bringing it intobthe world..butwere lostat the moment.""

Heath insurance?

the comapny i work for is taking insurance premium out but the insurance premium is not being paid.......what can we do as employees?

If im a named driver on a car what isnt mine do i need my own insurance or can i drive it along as im named?

if im a named driver on a car what isnt mine do i need my own insurance to drive it or can i drive it along as im named on the policy??

Looking for health insurance for our kids???

We just moved to oklahoma and we make to much for medicaid but not enough to pay $500 a month in insurance plus have a $1100 deductible per person then a 80-20 split after the deductible. We can afford to pay our own Doctor bills but if we had a serious problem (tonsils, appendicitis,surgery) we wouldn't be able to afford that so does anyone know of any health insurance we could get??? How does a HSA plan work??? Can you get one without it being sponsored by your employer???""

What vehicle has the CHEAPEST insurance?

I'm trying to save some money, and want to know what vehicle is the CHEAPEST to insure(no smart-*** answers)""

Does she have to pay the no insurance ticket?

My daughter just completed her drivers ed class so I let her drive to school. she was stopped and ticketed for no license and no insurance my car is covered and current. Q does she have to pay the no insurance ticket

Car insurance for a 19 year old female?

I am a 17 year old female and I am hoping to pass my test this year,my plan is to pass my test and save a little more for my car and car insurance etc... I have my eye on small cars ...show more""

What kind of life insurance do I need for my mom?

My mom is already in life insurance but I want to know what kind of life insurance that is affordable to pay for by the month. We are not expecting her to die anytime soon but we want to be prepared?

I'm 17yo Male and need cheap car insurance!!!!?

Well im 17 soon and want to get are car so i can work more. i have been looking at some very cheap cars that i would think are cheap to insure but are not- Fiat Punto (more than 10 years old) worth 400; 6000 to insure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! same with Peugeot 106- around the same price to insure. What other cars would you recommend that are cheap to insure???

Need help getting affordable auto Insurance?

I'm 20 years old in Brooklyn NY I am a college student I live alone I don't speak to my father and my Mother is not here, I really need a car for work (i started my own business) and for my life in general The cheapest insurance quote I received was for $10350 a year, for the state minimal coverage I am looking something in the range of what normal people pay 1k-3k at best Please if anyone knows any schemes, tricks, deals, anything let me know And please non of thatpublic transit or that you shouldn't try to trick the system non of that.""

I'm trying to get life insurance for myself and my son. what company offer best benefit?

where from los angeles, ca. i never smoke...don't drink alcohol.. and what things that i should know for getting life insurance? and what is the best coverage? advice pls?""

How much will getting a motorcycle increase my insurance?

I am 21 the only ticket I have on me was back in dec 08 for going 86 in a 70 (was on a permit) and paid it in march because of a mixup, but I pay 333 or 366 every 6 months on no fault for a 91 4runner, if I was to get a 08-12 harley davidson (cost around 10,000-16,000) and then get a truck for the winter/times it rains, because the 91 4runner is going soon, how much would you estimate I would pay every 6 months?""

Should I sue my parents...?

When I was 4 years old I was in a car accident and my parents had a settlement with the drunk drivers insurance and recieved 100,000 dollars for me. At such a young age I didnt really know what was going on and they told me that it had to be put up till I was 18 and I couldnt have it. Well that money is no longer there and I am now 20. As I grew up they told me that it all just went to lawyer fees but obviously I am old enough now to know better. I found out from other family members that they just blew it. I am now married and have three month old baby and I could have used that money to help get a house for us or help with the financial problems that come with being a new parent or newlywed. Should I sue them to get what was mine to begin with and if so how do I go about it and what are the chances that I will win?""

How much has disability insurance rates increased in the last 5 years? 10 years?

I am 30 years old female trying to decide whether I can afford disability insurance with the noncancelable.

Where do insurance companies get all the money?

How does an insurance company afford to pay out all that money on insurance claims?

Temporary car insurance problem...Help!?

My car has to go away for repair and I don;t know how long its going to take, so I want to get insured on my parents car. Because I am still 20, I cant get temporary car insurance and the insurance policy on my parents car won't insure me as an additional driver because of my age and because the car is fairly new. Any ideas on how I can be insured on this car would be welcome, as I still need to get to and from work! Thanks.""

How do unemployed get medical insurance?

March 31st is the last day for 'everyone' to sign up for medical insurance. How would it work in my situation? My fianc and I are now both unemployed, we have been searching for jobs high and low. Sad to say only 40% of 2 million jobless people will find jobs. Our uneployment ran out and have spent all our tax money on bills and rent. We are now on the verge of losing everything by next month. We have no income so how are we going to sign up and pay for insurance. Even $5 a month for each of us is a lot in our circumstance.""

Would having 2 cars be the same insurance as 1 car?

I have a 09 dodge charger, which you will probably figure the insurance is higher than average. So I was thinking, If I buy another lower level car, for example, a dodge neon. keep in mind that I am the owner of both cars, and only I will be driving the cars. would the insurance be the same or even lower?""

How are young drivers expected to build up 'no claims' or experience when insurance prices are so expensive?

Ogden Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71853

Where can i get visitor health insurance at affordable rate?

is there any good co where i can get affordable visitor health insurance thanx for suggestions

How much would my insurance be if...?

I am a 20 year old female and I've been having car troubles with my 2010 Toyota Corolla. The cost of repairs is becoming more and more expensive even though I take very very good care of my vehicle. So therefore, I am purchasing either a new 2013 Chevy Camaro or a used 2014 Ford Mustang with 4000 miles for a steal of a price. Right timing I guess. Anyway I am looking for full coverage less than $300. I know that these cars are not considered sports cars in the insurance world I was told many times because they both posses V6 engines. If anyone has insurance or knowledge about the criteria I have provided please inform me of the best/cheapest insurance I can get. No mommy or daddy jokes, because i am paying for my vehicle and insurance, thank you very much! Please be respectful!""

Car audio mod......insurance company?

i recntly bought a subwoofer and amp for my car do i need to let the insurance company know its worth around 60

How much does it cost to cancel motorbike insurance in the UK?

If you've been with them say 2-4 months. Also does it make a difference if its Third Party, Third Party Fire and Theft or Fully Comp? Its on a 125cc and the insurance is going to cost approx 300. Thanks""

What is the difference between insurance and banassurance?

Ex. Insurance deals by LIC, GIC Banassurance deals by banks""

Jeep Wrangler Sahara insurance?

I am a 16 year old female... I want a 2004 Jeep Wrangler 4x4 Sahara as my first car. My mom seems to think the insurance is too high. Can anyone tell me whether the insurance on it would be super high or give me an average number for insurance? Would it be cheaper on a smaller car? thanks .xx

Car insurance Policys?

Hi there people i need help with this badly i had car insurance on my car for the last 6 months but sadly i had a crash in my car and is no longer drivable, i rang up my insurance company 2 change the policy and there tellin me that if i want 2 insure with them i need 2 get my self a 4 grand car does that seem right??""

Florida - Car Insurance Question?

A friend of mine who lives in Florida said that he has to pay for car insurance even though he doesn't own a car and doesn't drive his parent's car. Is it true that by ...show more

How much will my car insurance cost?

So I'm 16 now, and I'm looking at cars I could get. I can afford a used, BMW 3 series saloon. I'm a male, and live in Surrey. (obviously I'd be 17). How much do you think my car insurance would cost, because it is in insurance group 20. (which may or may not be too much). Thanks""

Car Insurance for a 16 year old?

I will be driving a 1982 Dodge Ram in the next few months. I will be dropping a V8 440 into the truck. The truck will be painted black. So what will the average monthly insurance bill be on it?

Auto Insurance Questions?

In the household there are 3 cars, but 18 driver is only listed under 1 car,(mom) If the other 2 cars are on the same house (but different names auto insurance) he can drive those car with no insurance coverage problem right?""

Will my car insurance represent me in getting claim from other person's car insurance company?

Wife got in accident with teenage girls that was at fault. Other driver had insurance, and I'm dealing with them, but because they say my car is totalled as its older and not worth a lot, they offered me some money, but when I go to buy a similar car online, I see I'm short a few thousand. They are being a bit difficult and have my car at a lot ( I know mistake but they said they only were going to look at it, now its gone). I don't have a lot of pull but will complain as much as I possibly can - was on phone for nearly hour today. Question: Do you think that my insurance company will help me get money from the other insurance company of the at-fault party? I have not contacted them yet.""

I need help finding a good cheap sporty used car with low insurance rates.?

Well I turn 16 in december, I've had my permit for about two months and my family is at total loss of cars. My sister and her car are going to College, and my mom is using the Sienna. So my dads been riding his motorcycle to work. However, he wont be able to do so because he has a 30 mile commute to work. So he needs a car before the rain rolls in, so when he gets a car it'll be his, until I get my license, then it becomes ours. However, all my ideas are getting shot down, but as we get closer to needing one, slowly he's getting more okay with my ideas, but I need your help. I want an Rx8, I've wanted one since I was in 4th grade. I know I know. What the hell, why? A rotary engine with not even 2 litres. barely any horsepower and only gets 16/26 mpg. Well I've driven an Rx8 and I think they're amazing. HOWEVER, my dad doesnt want one for one reason, and one reason only. High insurance. So I was wondering if you can help me find a sporty used car, that I could find pretty cheap. For some Ideas I like, Bmw 330ci's, 328i's, rx8's, G37 coupes. OH YEAH, that reminds me, I'd like a coupe, but a 4 door would work well too if it still maintains a sleek style. like a lexus IS250s. Manual transmission or automatic is fine. decent mileage. you know the drill, OH and it must be atleast 4 seater. Thank you, its greatly appreciated.""

I need cheap insurance?

I have a vauxhall corsa 1.2 SXi and I am 18. The cheapest is 1300 but I know people have got theres for 900

""Cons, what is a better health plan than the President's plan?""

Do you or your candidates have a viable plan for Americans? Many people are without insurance because it is not affordable or it they have pre-existing conditions, or their employer does not offer it. Many Americans have lost jobs and health insurance is out of the question for them. Any ideas?""

Does it matter if you tell the insurance company?

that you are keeping your vehicle at 'X' address instead of your real address which is 'Y' address. Reason being that X is a way cheaper premuim than my Y premium. And its only for TPO insurance. Thanks

Car insurance for young drivers ?

Hi there, ive completed multiple quotes for car insurance and the figure are coming out extremley high, as in 5000 a year on a 1.1 litre 2000 peugeot 206 LX 3dr, and i am a 17 year old male. i would like the policy to be in my name for my NCB but i have also added my mum and dad as named drivers as ive heard that decreases price, does naybody know any cheap car insurance places which icould go to for a cheaper quote. 5000 for a 1.1 litre peugoet is ridiculous !! Thanks""

""Can you suggest a good,affordable health insurance plan?""

I am an adjunct instructor at two colleges in Michigan. Neither institution offers health insurance for adjunct instructors. For the last three years I have been getting health Insurance through a postdoctoral fellowship. Now this fellowship has come to an end, and I am in desperate straits. I have heart problems and I need specials medicationss for depression and attention deficit disorder.What do I do?""

Can you have insurance in two state?

I am a resident of California but moved to Washington for school. I need a car to get around and being the typical college, I'm trying to cut down on expenses. I was wondering if I got a car here in WA could I just add the car into my mom's car insurance policy in CA or would I have to pay for my own car insurance here in WA? Also would it be cheaper and better if I bought a car in CA then just have it shipped to WA? That way it'll have a CA license plate. Please help and let me know. Thank you.""

I just moved out of my parents house. i need car insurance?

i need a good company to get car insurance from. Any Suggestions??

""My truck got totaled, now the insurance wants to give me crap for payout. Can I negotiate?""

I had a 2000 Sierra that was probably the nicest truck in town. I have pictures of how it looked, videos of how it ran, and plenty of people to testify it was a nice ride. The insurance wants to give us crap for payout saying that the truck was average to poor condition. Even after stripping off most of my aftermarket stuff, I still have a few thousand $$ still on the truck. I know they don't cover aftermarket stuff, but if I can't take it off, I should be compensated for it. Can I negotiate with them or do I have to take what they offer me? I've already told them that I don't like what they offered me since my truck wasn't the junk car they are paying me for. Can they turn around and just tell me they won't pay anything since I didn't take the first offer?""

Car insurance stuff i don't understand.?

Hello everyone, I am an international student who's been in the USA (Buffalo, NY) for the past 2 years working hard on my masters (i'm 25 now). I bought a POS Saturn last year for 2000 dollars and, well, for that i needed to get car insurance since it's mandatory in this country. Since i was from abroad and i had a learner's permit at the time, i had to get insurance with my international license. Progressive was my only choice so i paid around 700$ for 6 months. That's the rate I've been paying for the last year. Unfortunately, i just don't have the money anymore to pay 700 more dollars for the next 6 months. I tried different insurance companies but they are all around the same range. Apparently, i was stupid enough to not get a credit card as soon as i landed in this country. I was raised with the if you don't have money, don't spend it philosophy so i just used my debit card. This is the only reason that i can see for these absurd rates. Every single one of my friends ( all international students ) pay around 200-250/six months dollars for their pieces of crap cars. I just feel like i'm not being given a fair deal. Not having any credit might put a penalty on me, i understand somewhat how a capitalist mind works... let's say about 100-150 more dollars for 6 months, but a whopping 500 $ ? Don't you think it's kind of messed up that first of all it's mandatory, and then there's no baseline to at least make sure that noone gets ripped off. Is there any way that a person can inquire why he is being charged so much(instead of the bs the agents tell you i.e your area is bad etc.)? Or are you at the mercy of these people?""

Where can I find cheap car insurance in Philadelphia?

I know the auto insurance rates in Philly are expensive. Why is this and where do I go to find the best price?

Does anyone use or heard of Response.com for auto insurance?

Response.com seems to have the least expensive insurance rates at plans that are what I currently have. Going with them would save a lot of money but I've never heard of them personally.

How much should I expect my car insurance to increase?

I got a 34 in a 25 in Virginia. I'm 19, and this was my first offense. Currently, I'm on as an occasional driver because I'm usually at college. Thanks.""

Ogden Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71853

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/raleigh-north-carolina-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-robert-watkins/"

0 notes

in-paradox-space · 7 years

Text

i didnt really spell or read through this

i just typed what i was thinking

and maybe ill read it again in a few years

you dont have to.

you wont really get anything out of it

so this is my blog and i just wanted to post this somewhere

i met a girl last night

and I quite like her

i feel an infatuation for her, even now

she left at 8am, i didnt hug her before she left i mumbled a goodbye

it was pretty shallow

its been 15 hours since then.

its sad to think ill eventually move on.

i dont know why, i didnt expect I would, but i do really like her

and these are really basic feelings

a scenario everybody is in

i feel like i should acknowledge this should be embarrassing for me

to feel such basic mainstream feelings

but why should that be embarrassing

am I above anybody else who feels basic feelings for situations we all end up in?

these feelings have been let out countless times, every single day, by countless masses

why should I bother to say the same things as everybody else in slightly different words?

I can’t stop thinking about her

I think she already has somebody

I don’t think she’s into me

far from it

she did some coce but I dont really touch it

I feel like if I do it once the seal will be broken

and I’ll end up throwing my money away and buying coce for everybody to share

I don’t even feel like it should be spelled that way. ‘Coke’ feels more natural.

I’d really like it if she liked me.

but I’ve felt that way about girls before

when I realize they do like me, I kind of back off and avoid them

this is probably the best relationship we will ever have

me seeing her maybe once every now and then whenever I destroy my brain cells with friends

just affectionately toying with the idea of me and her getting along

when im high with my friends, I can tell them all I love them and hug them

and its cool

thats just what we all do, and we know its because were really high

but I couldnt do that with her

although I did only just meet her that night

I was very self aware around her

it would be nice if she didnt already have a boyfriend

and idk

its not like i would want a relationship though

I know i would feel trapped within days

so why do I believe I want that before I get stuck into it?

shes depressed man

that will get annoying to me after a while

and she talks a lot

when the pedestal gets lower

I will eventually be less and less interested in what she has to say

she will get clingy

and need more and more love

I will have less and less to give

this is really fucking shallow

it will ultimately be bad

this is currently the best it will ever be

feeling affection from afar

unable to clear my mind of her

just hoping to be around her more

it feels much more warm and hopeful to want to be with her

if she expressed any interest in me, I’d lose my interest in her.

why is that?

Do I think of her as prey?

she shows flaws, but

I want to say i dont see them as flaws

but what if I do

im overthinking it too much

I told her to do some more ecstasy

she didnt do much

she didnt want to and she was already doing coke

my other friend was doing everything, but hes just a machine

some organic mechanism which filters lethal drugs into nourishment

he never drinks water and eats maybe 4 slices of toast a day

i dont know how he does it but his skin is always glowing and he looks great

his health is pretty bad but hes been living this way for maybe 2 years

hes achieved unhuman things.

he also fucked her once

which may or may not have been in the air

and i think she didnt want to do any more ecstasy because she didnt want to be vulnerable

and i think a part of me wanted her to be more susceptible

it isnt really something I wanted to admit

I know that its really really easy to find this blog

not for friends and family

but it is generally easy to find it, and anybody can find it

but im not going to branch off into that

this is just where I try to be honest

and admit the things people would otherwise try not to admit to themselves

i cant remember how to describe it

but im working my way on a path to detach myself from my ego

i dont know if detatch or dissociate is the right word

im aware why i should still have an ego

but i just dont want my ego to take over who i am

i feel, if i have more control over my ego, i wont be as held back by self awareness and fear associated with my sense of self

this way there will be less things holding me back

because I look deep down at the source of a lot of my problems

and fear(or anxiety, which comes under fear anyway) is one of the sources of most or all of them

i dont have examples to mind right now

but being honest has generally helped me in many ways

now im trying to be more honest

to myself and to others, about myself

my true intentions for doing things

looking deep within and questioning if im really being honest with myself

how i truly feel

because really, ive realized, im trying to prove things even to myself

on a level of thought

its nice

different points in time are connected with different points in time and the spaces i was in in that time

and other components of the universe which are connected to those times

i dont know what those components are

subatomic thought and vibrations type shit

i should also point out i dont erase the things I type, as I type them

I just leave them there.

for authenticity or something along those lines

for the whole ego thing

and I feel a little better after letting this out here

because i no longer feel like im avoiding the thoughts of her

and ive said these things somewhere

so when im dead and gone, it will always be possible for humanity to know I thought these thoughts at some point

why is that comforting?

I will be fine if we dont get together

i do hope there will be less awkward tension though

my friends, who invited her over, made it out like she was trying to get us together

and that made me sort of nervous

and then i think somewhere along the way, she didnt want that

and why would she? she has no idea who i am

and idk man, shits awkward

they told her i said she was cute, when they was inviting her

but like, I never saw her until i met her

so that was a lie

and i think that just added to the tension

and i think they suggested we hookup as a one night stand

and i think we was both really uncomfortable with that idea

and worrying about if the other person wanted that or really didnt want that

fuckin

it is awkward

but i dont really mind right now

as she came down from the coke

we lay in bed at 7am

very sleepily talking about anything

we watched a show

its very irrational, i think it stems from paranoia but im not going to mention the specific shows and shit

it also doesnt feel irrational in my head

its not worth questioning anymore

i was slowly starting to hear the pleasant voices and feel the regret accompanied with ecstasy comedowns

we spoke about music

jazz

i dont know a fucking thing about jazz but i do like it

because i know how much it influences other genres

the same way hiphop and rock influence other genres

and i like how its less about the specific timings and keys

more about feeling as you play

it could be an illusion but i think you can feel that in a lot of similar music

and she was edging towards doing another key

but she had to be sober for something later that day

its still unbelievable people spend that much on coke

is it worth it?

its hard to tell

it lasted quite long considering there was 3 using it and how much they spent

but if they did it regularly it probably wouldnt have been so great

and she seemed to feel worse and worse

more, just unhappy as the morning went on

and there was some awkwardness between us

but it still felt nice to be around her

and again

this is really fucking shallow

it would be nice if they didnt try to set us up with each other

i think we couldve chilled with less tension

and MD makes me very paranoid

whenever im in another room i feel like theyre saying my name when theyre talking to each other

and its unlikely they are

but what if they

theres always that chance

i think it will be nice to see her again, but start the night at the same time

without being fuckfaced

and know each other as friends

and just be able to hang out

and yeah, whether i do or dont lose interest

both ways will work out fine if we can get along

because she was pretty chill

and when im high, or coming down and irritable

i think ill happily listen to her talk for hours and hours

we can play more games together

i can see how everything goes with her

maybe we will talk about this one night

and finally know what we was both thinking

i do care what she was thinking

i dont know if she was interested in what i was thinking

she did have some flaws

so does everyone

those flaws would eventually make me unhappy in a relationship

id eventually be unhappy in a relationship with anybody

but maybe when were high we can do some regretful shit

if she did have a boyfriend

i think i heard she did at one point but it wasnt really confirmed

i hope that shit goes well

theyre probably more suited for each other

and i dont know what this is

or why at all im interested in her

i just never never ever ever am around girls now that i think about it

the last time I was around a girl was stupidly long ago

I dont even think it was 2017

and that day i didnt spend the whole day alone with her

ive basically been with guys this whole time

or just nobody

ive spent stupidly long amounts of times just alone, or with my dad

because i moved to the middle of nowhere for a while

i was only with my dad and his thot gf

i genuinely dont remember the last time i spent a day alone with a female

wow

I guess there was one girl

i dont remember if it was 2015 or 16

she was ginger

and she was into gingers

and we did rly like each other

i made myself pathetic around her

almost to suggest thats a desirable trait

and the moment we eventually kissed

it was awkward

and was not enjoyable

and we both lost interest in each other at that point

i think it was late 2015, i remember it being cold

but i was with blake late 2015

so it mustve been early 2015

wow

ive been around girls after then

but it was just with other friends

and i have wanted to fuck them

but ive not really felt like this

i didnt want to fuck

i just wanted to stare at her tattoos

and her hair

and talk

and i just hope to spend another day with her

even if i dont

it doesnt matter

the world will keep spinning

i will keep living

until i die

and she will be happy with her boyfriend or she will find someone else

and do something else

and eventually die

and humanity will eventually die

and the world will keep spinning

until something big enough to stop it from spinning crosses paths with it

and the universe will eventually entropy into a complete balance

and everything that was done would have been done

and it will be final

its really shallow

but i like thinking about her anyway

and i like this feeling

and its like i dont want to stop typing this

because then im choosing not to feel like this

and i might miss a detail

and i will eventually forget that detail

and i want to read this back in years and remember everything

i hope she is doing okay in those years to come

and it will be nice if we still get along in those years to come

and if we are both healthy

and doing well

it would be nice

and again, its really fucking shallow.

but i am human

i am designed this way

and its nice to think about her

and knowing there is a good chance i will see her again

and be able to play games with her again

and get high with her again

and listen to her music again

it gives me something to look forward to

and im gonna leave you with that

#personal #long text post #relationships #i did some heavy drugs last night and im kind of fucked #i guess thats my drugs tag now

0 notes