#i always feel liek shit for eating anything ever

[sk3l3t0n444]

im good o-O

[words-for-holland]

Quarantine Series: Silence is Golden?

Pairing: Tom Holland X Reader

Summary: Tom and Y/N don’t get into a lot of fights, but this one will leave you speechless...literally.

Check the Rest: Burnt Out | A New Look | Secret Cuts & Kisses | Breaking Friendships |The Birthday Week | Movie Night

A/N: Hey! Did you know I created a Masterlist?! You can view here (X)!

Every couple has their good and bad days. Some people will even say it’s healthy to have a little dispute once and awhile. For Y/N and Tom, the bad days just kept on coming. Maybe it was due to the work piling up on Y/N’s plate lately, or the fact that Tom was stressing about going to Berlin in 2 weeks for his work. Either way, both of them were under pressure, and with everything going on, it’d be no surprise that even the smallest things would irritate them.

“Tom I told you to put your luggage off to the side. One of us is going to trip with all this shit in our room.” Y/N scolded as she pushed the black luggage to the side of wall.

Tom was sitting in bed, rolling his eyes at his fiance’s comment and went back to focusing on his script. “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal if you just cleaned the room every weekend like you were supposed to do.” He grumbled as he highlighted his lines.

“I was working the entire weekend. I told you I had a huge release to prep for and last time I rememebered I’m your fiance not your maid. It wouldn’t kill if you could just do some of the chores in the house instead of having me, Harry, Harrison, or Tuwaine do it for you.” She argued, glaring down at Tom with her arms crossed. “Just cause your some hot shot celebrity doesn’t mean you can just sit there and do jack shit.”

Tom looked at her with surprise and anger. He just about had it up to here with her nagging. Tom loves Y/N, but sometimes, like tonight, she was really getting on his nerves, and the next few things he says to her were not so pretty. “Can you just shut up?! You’re always telling me what to do, what not to do, to stop doing this and stop doing that, and god the never-ending chatter that comes out of your mouth.” He spits out not even paying attention to how Y/N was reacting. “Some people actually do prefer some peace and quiet. God, I really can’t wait to go to Berlin just so I don’t have to hear that god awful nagging of yours.” Tom shakes his head as he looks back at his script, until he realized what just came out of his mouth...complete and utter bullshit that he didn’t mean.

It was Y/N’s turn to be surprised. In fact she was speechless, not really knowing what to say to his rant. It hurt a lot, as if her heart had just broken in a million pieces. If there was one thing you needed to know about Y/N, it was that she valued everyone’s view and opinion of her. So, you can best believe that if someone had a problem with her, she would not take it lightly. When it comes from the person you love the most...well...one can’t even begin to fathom how much it could hurt.

Tears were forming and streaming down her eyes, as small sniffles start to escape. Her tiny hands balling up into a fist. She wasn’t just upset, she was furious. “Well, if thats how you feel then, I don’t know why you’d want to be with a person that doesn’t shut up...Cause clearly I’m not good enough.”

Tom starts to sit up on the bed and lean towards her, trying to apologize profusely, but it was a lost cause that couldn’t be taken back. She runs out of the room with her stuff as she moves to the guest room to cry herself to sleep. Tom stays in their bedroom as he looks up at the ceiling with a disappointed face. “What have I done?” He whispers to himself, only praying they would be able to make up in the morning.

The next day, Tom wakes up extra early to prepare a ‘Sorry I’m such a div. Please forgive me’ breakfast with chocholate chip pancakes, bluerberry smoothies, and apple turnovers from her favorite coffeshop in London. And if that wasn’t enough...he had also brought her a bouquet of red roses. He awaited for her to come down, with everything set. As the boys came by to eat their share of the breakfast, Y/N comes down to akward silence. Everyone staring at her and Tom standing in the middle smiling with flowers in hand.

“Morning Y/N.” The boys say in unison.

“Morning boys...Tom.” Y/N mumbes the last word as she makes her way. They continue to talk and eat amongst themselves as Y/N looks for a seat to sit at, but sadly the only one available is the one next to Tom. He looks at her with his brown puppy dog eyes, silently pleading for her to sit next to him. Y/N gets the message as she rolls her eyes, and tales the seat. He present her the flowers once again, smiling off his boyish charm. “Darling, Im so sorry for the way I acted I didn’t mean it. Please don’t be mad at me. I love you so much.”

Y/N takes the flowers and nods, as she goes back to her breakfast. She ate rather quickly as to make sure she didnt have to deal with anyone and went straight back to the guest room. Tom slouches in his seat, sighing in defeat. “Great the silent treatment.” He says out loud.

“Damn, Tom you must have really fucked up.” Tuwaine said as he took a bite of his pancakes.

“Yeah mate, what did you do?” Harrison asked, intrigued by his best friend’s dilemma.

“You couldn’t hear them? They fought because Tom couldnt do a simple job and then called Y/N a talkative nagging piece of work” Harry answered him, stifiling a laugh. “Im sure the whole world could have heard him.”

“You also forgot, how he said he’d rather be in Berlin than be here with her.” Tuwain mentioned.

Tom glares at his younger brother and Tuwaine, giving them a good shove on the shoulder. “Hey, don’t be mad at me. I’m not the one that had to get his shit together.” Harry defends taking his last bite.

“What do I do? She wont even talk to me and I went through all this work to apologize to her.” Tom asks as he stares at the floor solemnly. “I don’t want her to be mad at me.”

“I don’t know mate. Maybe just earn her trust again. Im sure youll both work it out...you always do.” Harrison reassures him as he makes his way to wash the dishes.

Later that night, Tom passes by Y/N as she makes her way to the bathroom across their bedroom. Tom tried his best to set up the bed as if she was staying with him, fluffing the pillows, pulking down the comforters, and turning up the AC. As Y/N finishes up, she sees him standing at the edge of the bed, waiting for her to join him. “Please? I cleaned up the room and gave you your favorite pillow because you know you cant sleep without it.” He pleads, pouting with his lower lip sticking up.

Y/N looks at the tidy room and the pillow he left her. She smiles when she takes notice of the the one pillow with flowers and ripped edges. It was her favorite pillow since she was 5 and sworn to everyone that it was the only pillowcase she could ever sleep peacefully in. With the thought and gesture Tom made today, Y/N figured it was the least she could do, though it didn’t mean he was forgiven compeltely yet. Tom smiles at his first victory as he climbs in the bed with her. He tries to snuggle closer and wrap his stron arm across her waist, whispering “I love you and I really am sorry.”

Y/N wasn’t too comfortable getting this close still, and ultimately took his hand that was on her waist and dropped it to his side. Tom, felt a slight hinge of sadness when she did that. She never refused his cuddles and anytime they had a fight they would always make up before rhe end of the day. He sighs loudly in silence. Y/N turns around to face his back, and leans over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, which takes him by surprise. “I love you” she whispers, going back to her side of the bed.

The next day, Tom decides to take a quick trip to his parents house, who greet him with ipen arms. Though, both his parents, Paddy and Sam, notice the distress on his face. “What’s wrong son?” Tom’s mum asked with worry.

“Mum, Dad...I messed up.” He cries. “ I was just really stressed out this past week, with the movie, and the fans, and thinking about how I have to leave Y/N for Berlin...I-I- just said a lot of stupid things to her that I didnt mean.”

Tom’s mom rubs her son’s back as she tries to console him and calm his breathing. “There. There. Its going to be okay. You know Y/N loves you so much. Im sure you’ll both get through this.”

“That’s the thing mum. I don’t know if we can. She won’t even talk to me. I made her breakfast gave her flowers and even cleaned our room liek she asked me too. I don’t know what else to do to show her that I truly sorry.I told her I can’t wait to go to Berlin so I did have to hear her talk, but thats far from the truth. I don’t want to leave her when we’ve had all this time together.”

“Hmm...perhaps you should do the things that she doesn’t ask you to do. You know Y/N is also stressed with her job as well, she might not have time to get around to all the things that need to be done. Also tell her how you really feel besides that you’re sorry and you love her. You know both of you have had a hard week and there’s a lot of feelings bottled up inside. Just be honest with your feelings. I know you didn’t mean it and Im sure she knows too.”

Tom smiles at the last sentence, realizing the two haven’t really committed to the rules they promised each other, be honest and communicate with each other. “You’re right, Mum. I cant even remember the last time we really talked.” Tom got up up quickly whiping away the dry tears. “I’m gonna go make things right with Y/N. Thank you for everything. I love you.” Tom hugs his mother, before he makes his way ready to set things right.

As he pulls up to the house, Tom is ince again by the door with flowers in hand. Y/N sliently looks at him as she tilts her head curious as to why he’s on his toes...and with more flowers in hand. “Look you don’t have to say anything because I’m gonna be doing all the talking right now.”

Y/N looks at him in surprise, intrigued to hear what he has to say this time. “Y/N. Im know. im such a dumbass, clueless, and careless bloke who didn’t stop to think about your feelings and the things you wanted from me. I should have helped around more, I should asked how you were , and I definitely should have pushed my luggage to the side of the wall like you asked me too many times.” He says chuckling nervously. “And I know I fucked up, but Im really going to to try to make it an effort to listen more, and help you as much as I can. And Im so sorry for being so distant, I just I had a lot on my mind and the fact that I have to leave you, in two weeks when this has been the longest we’ve spent time together, it made me more sad.” Y/N looks at him with a sympathetic smile, almost ready to accept his apology. “So look, I know you’re probably still mad and everything, but Im really hoping this makes it up for you because I really do love you. Every single thing about you and theres only two more weeks before I leave and I want to spend every day, hour, minute, and second with you.”

There’s silence in the air as Tom looks into her eyes, trying to find some answer. “Every day, hour, minute, and second?” She questions him smiling. Tom’s face lights up with the brightest smile hes ever out on. He drops the flowers and hugs her even more tightly than he did with his mother, spinning her around. Nothing sounded better than hearing her laugh, it’s been far too long. He cups her face, kissing her passionately only to pull away and move the stray hairs from her face. Taking in every single detail of her face. “Yes. Ever day, hour, minute, and second..so lets not waste anymore time.” He grabs her hand as he rushed her to their room.

“Wait, wait, wait!” She yells with laughter. Tom sulks and groans, “Aw, what now?”

“You didnt even ask if I forgave you, yet?”

“Well...” Tom says pretending to think “Do you forgive me?”

Y/N looks at him, leaving a chaste kiss on his lips. “Of course I do.”

“Good. Now let’s go. Got to show you how much I appreciate and love you.” Tom smiles as he pulls her away.

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @parkerspillow @joyleenl @kihyunwifes

[psychosuna]

a/n: kinda fluffy and a bit boring these r just my self indulgent thoughts ,, feel free to send rqs

daichi: makes the same breakfast every morning. eggs and toast and some sort of protein. probably drinks black coffee, adds a little cream and sugar if he’s feeling fancy. a ketchup user and abuser. “breakfast is the most important meal of the day” blah blah just say you’re capable of waking up early and go.

asahi: idk why i just see asahi as a big baby thags like incapable of doing anything for himself honestly like his mom probs still makes him breakfast either that or he has a bowl of cereal.

sugawara: pop tart man. also goes feral over toaster strudels. the way he frosts them is an exact science. coffee but it’s light roast. uses creamer, duh.

noya: really likes ego waffles. toasts like 2-3 and gets really fuckin impatient so he just eats them as the next ones are toasting. probably drinks a glass of milk after like a freak. he’s always running late in the morning but will turn into a fuckin grouch if he doesn’t eat. it’s placebo. he just thinks he’s in a bad mood.

tanaka: i see this man as a scrambled eggs type of guy. it’s simple. the only thing he knows how to cook, actually. that, and mac n cheese (same). drank orange juice w bfast all through highschool and had a coffee awakening in college. doesn’t eat if he’s running late.

ennoshita: doesn’t eat breakfast, usually just has a cup of coffee and will eat a little something a couple hours later. he’s just not hungry in the morning.

hinata: probs has a whole ass family breakfast every morning in highschool. mum cooked eggs, bacon, rice (enter traditional japanese breakfast because i’m uneducated). when he went to college he tried to keep up with making a big breakfast every morning, and succeeds for the most part. not big on coffee.

kageyama: cereal boy. goes for somewhat sugary cereals, also the type to have a granola bar or something otw to school/classes. on game days , he makes a big breakfast. also not big on coffee.

tsukishima: tbh i headcanon him eating oatmeal and i really wish he didn’t. like, strawberry oatmeal or the strawberry K cereal is really just his favorite. coffee expert, really picky about the grounds he uses and the way he makes it. takes pride in his morning coffee. he can go without eating but he truly cannot go without coffee.

yamaguchi: pretty baby probably just eats a bowl of cereal or something. he doesn’t think too much about it but also tends to not skip breakfast. sometimes tsukki will bring him a coffee , but he doesn’t make it on his own.

kuroo: foggy area here. usually skips breakfast, always makes the coffee right when he wakes up but sometimes forgets to make a mug or a coffee to take with him to classes. sometimes he just randomly wakes up at the crack of dawn and makes a huge ass breakfast. he’s not used to eating a big breakfast, so when he does, it tears his stomach up.

kenma: he was up playing games and snacking all night. he’s full from the cosmic brownies and monster energy drinks he had at 4am before he ultimately crashed. and if he does have breakfast, it’s probably some sugary ass cereal. get some proper sleep, freak.

lev: probs has like a typical russian breakfast honestly, he grew up w it and still makes it to this day. a typical bfast for him is fried eggs with kolbasa and dill on top. family recipe type kid. this is only when he can be fucked to make it, though.

oikawa: motherfucker makes smoothies for breakfast. not even the protein shake types, like the fruity ass spinach ass types of smoothies that probably have more sugar than anything else in them. he’s thinks he’s eating “clean.” also stops by a starbucks or soemthing every morning bc he likes the complicated ass coffees rather than just making his own.

iwaizumi: i see him actually like, enjoying making breakfast. his go-to is a quick breakfast burrito. on weekends, hes a whore for chicken and waffles. probably uses a lot of hot sauce. definitely drinks black coffee he has big dick energy

matsukawa: skips breakfast entirely. literally cannot be fucked. if he eats in the morning, he goes to mcdonalds. mans never fucked with coffee, either. i’m telling you guys, he’s got a big dick, but this is one sketchy mfer.

hanamaki: really likes bagels. everything bagels with a shit ton of cream cheese. coffee with a tiny bit of cream and sugar. he’s classy. he’s perfect. i adore him.

bokuto: his mom always told him that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and why would he doubt her ? he makes the birds eye egg thinf with the hole in the bread and then puts in the pan and cracks the egg in the whole. you guys know what i’m talking about. another ketchup user and abuser but i’m less mad bc, cmon, it’s bokuto!

akaashi: this mfer. THIS MFER. i adore him truly. wait for it... greek yogurt. he gets the tubs of greek yogurt, sometimes the honey flavored kind, and will cut up fruit and put granola on top, and has espresso. he’s just. so sexy honestly.

tendou: always making something weird to be fucking honest. liek the motherfucker never skips breakfast, but he’ll straight up eat left over takeout from the night before at like 7:30am. what’s wrong with him. tries homemade pancakes every once in a while and they aren’t even that bad, he just puts WAY too much syrup on top.

semi: will have one cup of black coffee and that’s literally it.

ushijima: has the same thing every single morning. he never switches up. protein shake (black coffee in the shake), one fried egg, two pieces of bacon. it’s the perfect combo why would he ever even need to change it?

goshiki: tbh this mfer is always in a rush in the mornings but u know what. two pieces of toast and grape or strawberry jam. he’s a lil jam on toast cutie tell me i’m wrong. i’d die for him.

osamu: if he doesn’t have time to cook, he won’t eat. he doesn’t see the point in eating pre packaged shit. he wants to really get in the kitchen and make something. poor baby just wakes up late sometimes.

atsumu: if osamu doesn’t have time to cook, he won’t eat. fiend ass motherfucker. don’t get me wrong, i love him, but he’s so fucking annoying. will smell food and walk in the kitchen like “what’s for breakfast lil bro?” and osamu is all like “nothing for you dipshit” but he always gives in and feeds the mfer

suna: nothing. like. ever. he forgets. doesn’t have a big appetite and he can’t cook for shit unless it’s edibles so he just doesn’t bother. a coffee addict but refuses to tell anyone.

kita: a nice ol mug of fresh coffee, maybe some eggs, maybe some sausage, whatever he feels like! tries to eat every morning bc he knows it’s for the best. is a morning person so it’s not like he doesn’t have time!

terushima: a monster and a protien bar. likes the coffee flavored monsters in the morning , though. cheese toast on occasion.

sakusa: black coffee, two splendas, avocado toast. he’s got taste.

˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ ꒰ ⌨︎ ✰ thank u for reading! | ೃ࿔₊•

[sugusho-archive]

【 𝘏𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘏𝘖𝘓𝘋𝘐𝘕𝘎 ; 𝘕𝘖𝘏𝘌𝘉𝘐 】

okay so uhm it was soft hours in the yujibee server and me and some friends got rlly soft over nohebi so :D hope ya enjoy (and kinda self-indulge bc there aren't a lot nohebi content and they deserve more love so :(() some of these are some ideas that were contributed idk which ones, but theyre there somewhere!!

𝘋𝘢𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶 𝘚𝘶𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘶 ;;

▸ as much as i love him, he probably wont hold hands in public ▸ like it’s RARE for y’all to hold hands ▸ and if you really want to and asked, he’d be more than glad to hold hands in public ▸ best bet he won’t let go of your hand,, idk why  ▸ “suguru, let go” ▸ “no, i like it where it is” ▸ “but i need to get something” ▸ depending on the mood, he’d be playful about it ▸ i mean like swinging your hands back and forth, you get me? ▸ he would unconsciously rub his thumb over that part of your hand howdoyoudescribeit ▸ 100/10 would hold hands with him

𝘏𝘪𝘳𝘰𝘰 𝘒𝘰𝘫𝘪 ;;

▸ we know this man got big hands and long fingers ▸ he’d want to have his hand held like he’s not gonna say anything about it, but hold out his hand to you and expect you to hold it ▸ the type to play with your hand  ▸ and also loves comparing sizes like :(((( this man is just the sweetest we know it ▸ “yours is so small and tiny..” ▸ hiroo DEFINITELY loves the way your hand looks on his like it just makes his heart flutter every time you hold his hand ▸ like ,, it’s just small compared to his  ▸ he def enjoys when you play with his hand and making comments about it  ▸ probably doesn’t like it when you let go bc it feels weird to him that he’s not holding anything, but yall be sleeping with your hands intertwined

𝘒𝘶𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘪 𝘕𝘢𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘴𝘶 ;;

▸ okay first of all, kuguri isn’t the pda type of guy like he won’t hold your hand or kiss you at all,, not even somewhere private like your or his house or alone somewhere in school ▸ he’s fine with hugging, but idk i don’t rlly see him doing anything  ▸ he doesn’t initiate until everything feels right in the moment ▸ now don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t really express a lot of emotions, but when he does? oh boy ▸ he definitely gets shy,, whenever you ask him, he’d turn away the question and talk about something else ▸ kuguri looks like he would ask you to hang out in the playground at 10pm and you never find it weird bc you often would hang out at the playground around that time ▸ but this time he’s more comfortable with actual skin to skin contact and that day feels right to do it ▸ omg i can see you and kuguri on the swings and he,,, holds out his hand ▸ “what’s this?” ▸ “i want you to hold my hand… i know we haven’t held hands ever since we started going out.” ▸ let’s say it was cold that night so once you hold his hands, it felt.. right. liek his hand is big and warm and it just feels it’s the perfect fit for the both of you ▸ probably a memory you’d cherish everyday ▸ let’s not forget that he’d get sad when you let go of his hand like :(((((

𝘐𝘴𝘶𝘮𝘪 𝘚𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘢 ;;

▸ this man lmfao we know he’s a tsundere ▸ but is actually glad that you wanted to hold hands LIKE ▸ “not that i wanted to do it, you were literally begging for it.” ▸ idk i just see him acting grumpy, but screeching in happiness on the inside ▸ he would rub it in his vb team’s face and joke how he didn’t washed his hand bc it’s got your scent on it ???  ▸ idk maen he always say that all the girls in the world, he hasn’t found a gf lmfao so that could be why he’s just so fucking happy about it lmfaooo ▸ he would try to hold your hand every chance he gets tbh ▸ THINKS HE’S THE SHIT AFTER HOLDING YOUR HAND LMFAO ▸ yea turns out he’s just touch starved and didn’t realized it after dating you <3

𝘒𝘢𝘻𝘶𝘮𝘢 𝘕𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘪 ;;

▸ he claims the boyfriend™️ title and we know it ▸ he won’t hesitate to hold your hand like you don’t even need to ask for it, he just instantly knows that you want to hold hands with him  ▸ his girlfriend/partner senses are tingling periodt ▸ numai’s hands are probably rough and calloused and big, but once you hold hands he’s actually pretty gentle?????? like he makes sure he doesn’t crush your hand lmfao ▸ k but like he’s the type to get jealous when you’re talking to your guy friends and he would tighten his hold on your hand to let you know he’s getting fed up ▸ bro haha expect drowning in his hug when you’re both alone and telling you that he’s sorry for getting jealous omf :((((( he’s best boy pls  ▸ but like ,,, he def enjoys when you’re holding his hand like,,, the way you hold on to his thumb or forefinger LMFAO he melts everytime you do that ▸ numai fucking loves it when you get all shy when you’re trying to show him you want to hold hands when you’re in public ▸ okay okay every time during break at school, he would go to your classroom and like sit down in front of you and talk and eat then he would play your hand and “reads” your hand as a joke lmfao ▸ “i can see… i can see you getting a deep and warm hug when i drop you home!” ▸ “but you always do that every day.” ▸ lmfao he’s just best boyfriend, he’s rlly willing to do anything with you; pda or not ;000

↲ go back to .𝒎𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 an // uhm ik it’s not all nohebi, but i rlly dont wanna make the list too long SJSJ and there’s not a lot of things that shows about their personalities so :((

𝑡𝑎𝑔𝑠❤︎ — if you want to be added in the taglist, please let me know! @http-kou @evermorehaikyuu @yujibee @erialexerz @tired-penguinn @ferxaniiiiii​ @mochi-poof​ @caxsthetic​ @gulfwanq​ @yusemis​ @baby-boy-taichi​

[axemetaphor]

wwwhats up its 430am I cant sleep and I dont think I've ever done an annoying headcanon ramble for jdate on here so here we fuckin goooo I'm on mobile but I'm gonna try my damnedest to do a read more and if it doesnt work and looks stupid well sue me

amy is the one routinely awake before the other two. I dont mean shes always the first one to wake up, but her back pain is more likely to have her up in the early hours of the morning. shes also the only one who has anything thay resembles q sleeping schedule of the three as john is just like, completely fucked in that department and Dave's insomnia/depression-sleeping fucks him over sometimes. basically amy Has A Brain and also lost likely schedules it so that she can be falling asleep as her pain pills take effect.

amy also is the one who's like fairly into self care stuff like fuckinuhhh face masks and shit—look, I dont inow jackshit about self care, but I mean amy strikes me as the kind of person to actually maintain her appearance in a fairly regular manner. john will just like "forget" to take care of himself and then just Be Decadent for a week and then "forget" again (either going on a bender or just actually being normal for once) and all dave knows of self care is "when I get the urge to eat an entire pie, and give into that urge, That is self care"

anyways Partially because of that I headcanon Dave gets acne like Pretty Much All The Time and hes just kinda stopped caring about it. amy gets acne Sometimes because it just like Happens. john is that one lucky motherfucker who just is somehow naturally immune. perpetually clear skin on this man. I hate him

also dave Kind Of strikes me as the kind of guy fuckign "3 in 1" shampoo is targeted towards the man just Does Not Care. other girlfriends have tried to get him into actually using different kinds of soaps and not just defaulting to "3 in 1 wherever I think soap should go" but its amy who actually succeeds in breaking this terrible habit hes had.

also I think that Despite his hair being described as frizzy and all that, John actually takes care of his hair. except for times when hes Less Than Functional. and also yknow when the world is fuckin ending but I doubt anyone really has time for a haircare routine when they gotta be fighting monsters and shit

amy again is just a normal person about hair. but shes the only one who can actually cut hair and tbqh I think she does it Pretty Well! shes no professional but shes not john either that's for sure (if you let john close to your head with scissors, well— it's your funeral, man)

this is completely projecting and also like totally Useless but I just think it would be funny if Dave has exploding head syndrome. if you donf know what that is it's a phenomenon-or-something where right when you're dropping off to sleep your brain just liek idk gets bored I guess? and comes up with some phantom Loud Noises to startle the shit out of you. it's great! and by 'great' I mean terribly annoying! but in general I think Dave is a Very restless sleeper so him suddenly flinching himself awake isnt exactly Abnormal.

amy sleeps like a normal human being Mostly, I think she Might be one of those sorts who likes to sleep curled up in the fetal position which is so very valid. she gets night terrors sometimes though because ✨trauma✨. the best way to comfort her with that is a tight hug cause I feel like her Main fear would be that shes all alone again and a hug sure does help people feel less alone I think,

john either starfishes out when he sleeps (also I headcanon he likes to sleep at least Partially on top of Dave and Dave only pretends to hate it) or grabs hold of something and clings to it tightly. hes a very light sleeper, though, and snaps awake at any loud noise or especially if he gets bumped into too strongly. this doesn't always play well with Dave's restlessness and tendency to Sleep Fight but they manage.

I feel like its fairly common to Assume john has tattoos but specifically I feel like a lot of his tattoos are things he or his friends have drawn, I wrote about it Once Or Twice but maybe not here so I'll just like say it again, I think he asks his friends to draw shit on him then goes and gets it tattooed later (or, hell, right then and there lmao) and it's like a Mark of Friendship. he claims Dave has drawn the most on him because Dave's his best friend but whether or not that's true, who knows. the first one was from Dave, though, and john did it himself stick-and-poke style the night of. that happened while they were still in high school and Dave was actually Slightly Embarrassed because what he doodled was just like really stupid looking and fuckin hell john now you're gonna have that on you forever what the hell man? but the rest of John's tattoos, if not done by friends they're either things he drew (I maintain he still draws in his downtime I love the idea of artistically talented john so much-) or weird shit he found online.

I honestly didnt think Dave would really get tattoos because he does state hes afraid of needles BUT as someone Also afraid of needles who paradoxically wants tattoos .. he could probably power through it and get like A Few. one of them is from John (stick-and-poke style, again,) and I am Not actually sure how many hed have but definitely less than John. amy only has that one tattoo that I keep forgetting when I draw her godfuckendammit-

John is the one who makes the most Food Monstrosities (Dave barely even bothers to cook) and he does this by making just the worst decisions both technical-wise (as in, hes Definitely the "just turn the oven temperature up to speedrun cooking" kind of guy) and taste-wise. dave on the other hand is likely to make terrible drinks like jack daniels + mountain dew which my buddy Ben so fantastically dubbed "jack and piss." the sheer Concept of jack daniels + mtn dew tho is thanks to that one kurtis conner video about becoming a country boy which is entirely unrelated but everyone needs to know. ANYWAY.

john and Amy like playing pranks on each other (and dave). they're in an ongoing low-key prank war and Dave is Mostly just spectating but sometiems they Conspire to commit mischief against him. it's annoying sometimes but ultimately more endearing than it is annoying so he never gets Too mad.

john and Amy absolutely have Gaming Nights(tm) that sometimes include dave as well unless they wanna play some like fps game, I'm fairly sure hes said he doesnt really like those. but they also can get Competetive which, dave tends to act as a bit of a buffer to keep them from getting Too into it ... but sometimes he gets a little competitive too. what I'm trying to say is them playing mario kart is absolute chaos and also an event i woudl buy tickets to

john has a youtube channel for sure. he is So obnoxious. he hardly has any audience because let's be honest his videos kind of suck— they're all either kinda boring vlogs or him recording the cases he and Dave go on (when he can convince Dave to let him) which are almost always declared Fake by the commenters. amy is subscribed to him. dave probably doesnt even have/use his own YouTube channel so he was not subscribed until john stole his phone and did it for him. (he never watches the videos) the videos are not edited much, I dont think any of them really knows too much about video editing shit.

dave cant fuckin do math.

John and Dave do Not know how to handle crying. like Dave's learned what helps Amy, in specific, but anybody else? clueless. Dave also just does not cry very often in general (shut up lemme project again LMAO-) and tends to just refrain from doing it even if he wants to/probably should, rarely ever actually breaking down and letting it all out; he'll stop himself from getting there/even crying much in the first place. he doesn't exactly have a Reason for it or at least not one he can recite (it's the bullying. we dont get details of how that was beyond The Locker Room Incident which I wont go into but I'm just going to project the rest of it was similar to shit I went through, It's The Bullying). John also kinda Doesn't Cry and actually hes even more restrained about it than Dave, because he won't even cry around either of them if he can avoid it and if it happens he 1) will Not address it, 2) prefers no one else acknowledge it, and 3) will Run The Fuck Away if it's acknowledged. they both try Really Really Hard to help amy when shes crying though, if shes crying for a Big Reason, cause they both also understand she just cries easily and doesnt always need or want comfort.

that,s all for now BUT if I come up with mroe. there will be a reblog. also these are not all like "I am the only one who's ever tho ig ht this" or w/e a lot of them are from me talking with other people or Absorbing much older posts on here because I read Everuthing I can find.

I sure hope I can sleep soon, this is probably mostly incoherent. gnight

[bestillmyslashyheart]

The Red Name pt 4

part one || part two || part three

The bed was cold when Michael woke up. The sun was high in the sky and Alex was long gone. All that was left in the whole cabin were the sheets on the bed and Michael’s phone on Alex’s pillow. The notification light was blinking and Michael already didn’t care about what anyone had to say to him right now. 

He unlocked it anyway when he saw the new email icon. He never got emails. 

It was from Alex.

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

We should’ve talked. That was always our problem, if we’re honest. Too much sex and not enough talking.

I’m glad we didn’t though. You were right, we’d just make each other sad and angry and that’s not how I wanted to spend my last night with you. Because that’s what it was. Regardless of what happens on my deployment, we both know this thing between us is in the past and it’s time I gave up and moved on like you’ve managed to do. 

Over the last two years I wrote you a lot of emails. Basically whenever I wanted to talk to you but couldn’t I’d write an email. I’m not sure why I’m doing this now but I just sent all of them to you. You can read them or delete them, it’s up to you, I guess. 

I love you. That hasn’t changed and it never will. 

Goodbye Michael.

A

Michael blinked away the sudden tears that sprung to his eyes. For all that he’d shoved Alex away over the last few years and flaunted the fact that he could move on, Alex telling him goodbye broke his heart. Michael wasn’t sure how they’d gotten to this point. It felt like one thing after another just piled on until there was no hope left. He wanted to fix it, even when he’d been with Maria part of him had wanted to fix it, he just didn’t know how. And now it was too late.

Rereading the email, he spotted the part about new emails and quickly exited out of that one. And there they were. Michael scrolled down to find the oldest one but it was impossible to tell. They didn’t seem to be in any particular order so he just clicked one and then another and then another.

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I saw you at the Pony today. You looked like shit. Have you been sleeping? Eating? Or are you just existing on alcohol and acetone?

I hope it’s making you feel better because it’s not helping anyone. Not your sister, who really needs you right now by the way, not me, not Maria, and certainly not Max. 

I wish you’d let me help you.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You drive me crazy sometimes you know that? First, you want nothing to do with me or Project Shepherd. And now it’s all you care about. Well, Project Shepherd at least. You still don’t seem to want anything to do with me.

Am I suddenly that repulsive to you? Because of my father? Fuck him. Seriously, Guerin, fuck. him. Don’t let him do this to us.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You could’ve at least done me the courtesy of telling me you were dating Maria instead of letting me find out by walking in on you two.

Fuck you Michael

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You need to pull yourself together. Your sister is drowning and she needs you and you don’t even notice. Liz and I should not be the ones keeping her afloat. She needs her brother, dammit. 

If only I could get you to stay in the same room as me for longer than 2 seconds

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I can’t decide if you’re oblivious or stupid or just plain cruel

I get it, okay. You moved on. You’re happy. I’m happy you’re happy but I really don’t need a front row seat to you sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat okay? Would it kill you to cool it on the pda?

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Max is back. You weren’t there.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I’m drunk. I shouldn’t bother with this it’s not like you’re going to read it anyway but I’m drunk and I’m lonely and it’s my birthday

Ten years apart and you never missed my birthday but now that I’m back you can’t be bothered? I want to be mad at you but I’m too sad to be mad

What did I do wrong Michael? Why are you doing this?

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You ever throw something anywhere near the vicinity of Maria again and I swear to god I will knock you on your ass

Don’t touch her. Don’t even get close. I don’t give a shit how drunk you are

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

It’s the anniversary of Caulfield and I don’t want you to be alone but you won’t let me near you

I hope you told Maria what day it is or Isobel or someone. I hope you’re not alone.

I’m sorry

I’m so sorry Michael

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You look happy

I miss you

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I never thought of us as having an anniversary, not really, but if we had one it would be today

I was ready, Michael. I was fucking ready dammit. Why’d you have to pick then to finally be the one to walk away? I mean I know I deserved it after all the times I left you but your timing sucks.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I got my new posting. Also got new orders to deploy. I’m leaving Roswell and I don’t think I’m coming back this time

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You came by today. I’m pretty sure it's the first time you’ve been out here since you told me in no uncertain terms that we were done. You wanted more info on Project Shepherd, on the Alighting that Noah mentioned. You could barely look me in the eyes. It was like I was just a colleague and not even one you particularly liked that much and it hurt. 

I get that we’re never going to be together but why can’t we be friends? Is it really that impossible? We’re either fucking or not looking each other in the eye? No in between? That’s bullshit

Why do you get to decide everything? When do I get a say in this? What if I want more? Do you even care what I want?

Don’t answer that. It’s pretty fucking obvious you don’t.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I had lunch with Liz and Rosa and Maria today. It was awkward and painful. I’ve never hated you before but I think I hate you for fucking up my friendship with Maria. She was all I had for years and now it’s ruined because of you

Be happy with her. Make it worth it

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

It’s not your fault. Me and Maria I mean. We fucked that up all on our own and neither one of us have really tried to fix it. You played a part, yeah, but don’t blame yourself for this too. You put too much on yourself already, you shouldn’t add this to it

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You make a beautiful couple

Better than we ever did. Not that we were ever a couple. Not like you and Maria

We wouldn’t have worked right? That’s why you left? Because we would’ve crashed and burned?

Merry Christmas Michael

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

For someone who got angry every time I  mentioned the Air Force you really didn’t seem to care that I re-upped. I don’t know what to make of that. 

I’m going to protect you Michael, I promise. My father will never get his hands on you or your family ever again.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Why can’t I get over you? I’ve tried fucking other guys, dating other guys, it doesn’t matter. 

I’ve never been able to get over you. I don’t know why I thought now would be any different.

All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Full disclosure - I’ve had a lot to drink. Liek a lot 

Did you know that your people essentially mate for life? Yep. Turn 30 and the true essence of your heart will reveal itself on your skin and name the person you love most. It will stay there forever. Cant be cut off or inked over. Cant change neither. Once its there its there

Your turning 30 in a few months

I wont survive seeing her name on you i wont

I filed papers for a transfer today. Project Shepherd is basically dead and by the time the transfer comes through it will be really dead and i cant stay here anymore im not strong enough. I need to be not here when her name comes

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Its my name. Fucking hell Michael its MY name?? 

What the fuck have the last two years been if its mY FUCKING NAME?

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

It hurt before when i thought you’d truly moved on but this? Oh this takes the cake

You love me. More than LITERALLY anything. And you still dont care enough to be with me

This is…

You should’ve left me in Caulfield and just saved yourself

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

You left a birthday present in my car. Why?

Thank you

I love it

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Her name is Mara. 

She used to sing to the other prisoners when they were scared. She had such a beautiful voice. 

You won’t let me tell you about her but I think you should know. This was your mother, you should know who she was.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to find out the right way. I really am.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I saw you on the street today. You were outside the jewelry store.

I wish you both a long happy life together. You both deserve it.

A

There were more. So many more. Michael had to stop and pace himself or he’d start breaking things.

It took him weeks to get through all of them. Some made him cry, some made him smash every fragile thing in Max’s house (he owed him new windows), but some made him smile.

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I got a dog. Her name is Buffy. If anything happens to her I will kill everyone involved and then myself

Pics attached since I don’t know when I’ll see you.

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Wilson’s getting married, can you believe it? I would’ve bet good money he’d die a happy bachelor. It’ll be so good to see the squad again. He invited everyone, even O’Brien.

He’s making me wear a tux, though, no uniforms :(

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I think you’ve cursed me. I used to very happily not give a shit about football fuck you very much

(Eagles made the playoffs fuck yeah)

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

There’s this new prosthetic prototype the military wants to try out and somehow I landed on the shortlist of candidates to get it

It’s supposed to be so amazing you don’t even know. It’ll be waterproof! I can stand in the shower!

(its the little things sometimes)

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I’ve really fucking missed Rosa. I know you miss your brother and I’m sorry but I never really let myself process how much I missed her

I promise to do everything I can to bring Max back. I owe him one

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Rosa doesn’t like the jacket. She’s gotta go

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I’m going to LA Pride next week. I’d ask you to come with me but you seem a little busy passing out on the floor of the Pony every night

I’m taking Isobel instead

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

I’ve got this new project at work that’s actually really interesting. I keep staying late to work on it and so Project Shepherd is falling behind but fuck Michael I love it

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

There was a crazy meteor shower last night. You would’ve loved it

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

The sunsets out here are unreal. I’ve been in a few deserts and seen a few coasts but nothing, NOTHING, beats this view

Its beautiful

A

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

It’s cheating on the Wild Pony, I know, but if you go over to Dexter there’s a great little bar that does open mic night on Thursdays. 

It’s been a long time since I sang. I’ve missed it. You should come sometimes.

A

Michael missed out on a lot while he was with Maria. He never wanted to miss those moments again.

In the five weeks it took him to get through all of the emails, no one heard from Alex. He’d warned them he’d be out of touch but it was still jarring. Michael took to driving out to the cabin or bugging Rosa to let him play with Buffy just so he could feel close to Alex. 

A week after he finished Alex’s emails he started writing his own.

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

You’ve been gone six weeks. I miss you. I’m pretty sure I lost the right to say that but I don’t care. I do.

I read all of your emails

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I thought about responding to some of your emails individually but then I thought maybe just one would do it.

I’m sorry. I was a colossal jackass and you didn’t deserve any of it. I never should have blamed you for what your father did. You aren’t him, Alex.

There are only two people in my life that I trust to always be there: Isobel and you. Even when you walked away you always came back and I got used to that, I guess. When everything was spiraling out of control I needed someone to be angry at and I needed it to be someone who wouldn’t leave. Isobel was already going through hell so I picked you. I pushed you away as hard as I could and you stayed. You re-upped to protect me. You stayed in Roswell because you knew I needed you even though I refused to admit it. I put you through hell and you never said a word. Thank you. I should’ve said it a long time ago and I’m sorry I didn’t.

I’m sorry I finally pushed hard enough that you had to leave. Roswell’s your home and these people are your family. When you get back from your deployment you should come home and see them. I can leave if it’ll make it easier for you but you shouldn’t leave them just because I’m an ass.

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I think Liz is actually dating both Kyle and Max. I’m also pretty sure Max and Kyle are not dating each other. Sometimes though...how sure are you that Kyle is straight?

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I can’t decide if it’s too weird or not weird enough watching my sister and my ex girlfriend try to date. 

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

You said you didn’t love me. Why did you say that if you did? 

I don’t know that I would have done anything different but I’d like to think I’d have been more considerate about Maria had I known. I thought you were over me. You said you were.

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

It’s been three years since Caulfield and I’m alone. One of your emails mentioned that you didn’t want me to be alone but I am. I always am. No one understands. No one can possibly understand.

Kyle gave me a bottle of whiskey this morning. I’m trying to drink less but now that I’ve got a doctor’s seal of approval, I might just need to enjoy it.

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I left my mom to die for you. I don’t think I would’ve left for anyone else.

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I miss you. I think I’ve been missing you for years but you were right there so I didn’t realize it

Be safe. Come home

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I’m a little obsessed with my mark ngl

It’s in my own handwriting but I wish it was yours. So it would actually be a piece of you with me

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

It’s crazy. When you were here all I could think about when I saw you was your dad and your brothers and Caulfield. I know it’s not fair and it’s not right but I can’t control it

But now you’re not here. And I look around the cabin and all I see is you making breakfast or burning the popcorn that one night we tried to watch a movie and ended up making out instead. I can’t sleep at the Airstream without thinking of you. Did I ever tell you that you’re the only person I ever brought home? Every other person I ever hooked up I either went to their place or found somewhere else. But not you. You came home with me. 

Liz wanted a group outing to the drive in. But I said no. I can’t go there anymore. 

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

My eyes are burning. Too much naked sister 

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

First I see my sister having sex and now my brother’s asking me for gay sex tips

I can’t

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

When we broke up Maria accused me of being with her because I loved her less, because then she couldn’t hurt me. I thought she was crazy but now I think she had a point. I literally just walked in on her in bed with someone else (I’ve completely blocked out the memory of who it was) and it didn’t hurt. I’m just...happy for her. She smiles more these days than she has in a while

It's nothing like when I saw you on a date that one time and had the sudden urge to beat the guy into a bloody mess with my bare hands. It's a nice change of pace

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

It’s been four months since anyone’s heard from you. I hope you’re okay and just not allowed to contact anyone.

Please be okay Alex. I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re not

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

Some idiot decided to put in a record store on Main St. Who even buys records anymore?

It has open mic night almost every night though. You’d love it

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I seem to have moved into your cabin. Oops

The bed doesn't smell like you anymore :(

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re not here and I don’t even know if you’d want to see me if you were but let me just say this:

You’re an asshole and I love it

You care so much about people, about your family (the real one not the jackasses named Manes), and you give so much of yourself for other people I’m constantly in awe of you

You named your dog after a vampire slayer; what a dork (next one should be Faith)

You are the strongest person I know. I put you through hell and you’re still standing and you somehow still love me. I don’t understand but I can’t complain

I miss watching movies with you even if your constant commentary can be annoying as hell

I can’t eat omelets at restaurants anymore, you’ve ruined me for life

Your voice is breathtaking; you should never stop singing

I love you

Happy Valentine’s Day Alex

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

Please just tell me when you’re home so I know you’re safe

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

Rosa has a boyfriend. It’s weird. We can’t talk around him. Too many secrets.

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I broke the ship. Most of its still in the bunker but I scattered some pieces around town. The Airstream, Isobel’s, Max’s, the Crashdown, the Pony, other places too

The biggest piece is right here at the cabin. I needed it to be with you

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

Jenna’s back

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

Happy Birthday Alex

I’m sorry I missed one. I promise not to miss any ever again.

They probably don't have any good cake where you’re at so I’ll just have to take you out for some when you get home

M

From: m.guerin47@gmail.com

To: alex.manes@gmail.com

I’ve co-opted Buffy from Rosa. She’s not getting her back

M

Over six months after Alex left, Michael received his first new email.

From: alex.manes@gmail.com

To: m.guerin47@gmail.com

Subject: YOUR EYES ONLY

You’re unbelievable. Asshole

827 Willowbrook Cir #231

Marlow Heights, MD 20746

A

P.S. Don’t forget Buffy

[seongwhy]

ateez reaction the their crush making the first move

hongjoong

hongjoongie !!! would be so happy !!! that you felt that way about him !!!!

he didnt make a move bc he didnt wanna make u uncomfy :(( so he disregarded his feelings for u

unknowingly to him, u like him back !!!

but since this lucky man didnt get the hint (and with all the touching and attempted flirting you're surprised he didnt)

you decided you had to make the first move

but being all nervous and shi ,, you gotta plan it out

just like hongjoong u dont wanna make him uncomfy !! yall the same mfs

so what u planned to do was grab some takeout and bring it to hongjoong when hes producing an chat him up an shit

and once u get to his place and have him all alone your heart starts racing

and so does his !!

and you're eating and laughing and has showing you a beat he just made

and you put your hand on his leg and hes like big eyes blushing and his mouth drops a lil

and you're like 'this is rlly good hongjoongie' bITHX HES CRYIGN

IM CRYING

and you lean in and kiss him on the corner of his mouth and hes just

'o-oh thank you' he says

and u smile at him and ask him to show you more

he takes a second to recover but blushes even more

and ur ready to kiss him til he stops blushing

so u do

but he doesnt

seonghwa

seonghwa tries his best ok

he just really likes you

so he ends up stuttering and tripping and literally falling for you

like oh one time he was trying to bring you water and he got too excited and was running and some of the water from the full glass fell on the floor and he just slid right on that shit

thank god you had your back turned talking to yunho bc holy shit he didnt know what hed do if u saw that

but the rest of the boys will never let him live that down

'hyung, remember when u fell trying to get water fo-' 'shut up wooyoung'

but seonghwa is just a shy lil boy around you fam

and it's not like you didnt notice bc hed be rlly chill rlly calm and funny when he doesnt know you're around

and then he sees you and hes all 'o-oh hi I'm going to go w-wash the dishes' he cleans when hes stressed

and when u ask the boys what's up w him they're like '..... are u dumb'

anyway after that it was just so obvious

youd catch him staring and make eye contact and hed look away so fast

but you didnt miss dem red ass cheeks

and you honestly like the attention he gives you

and when he gains a little confidence around you and makes a joke or does girl group dances or smth

you cant resist him

so one day you go over to the dorm and tell all the boys that they're all gonna have to leave so that u can get seonghwa to yourself

and they reluctantly agree bc 'but I'm tireddddd'

and when seonghwa gets home hes like . where is everyone.

and you're like 'oh them??? they just went to the store to get snacks I'm sure theyll be back soon come watch this show w me'

and hes like ,,, right

and you're just smiling and nodding and patting the seat next to you

so he sits obviously sweating

and you're watching this show and hes watching you

with every laugh nd movement his stomach coils a lil

and after a bit you look at him

and you're looking at each other

and you're eyes are watching his lips and you just say yolo and go for it

hes taken aback at first but leans into it

and you're a rlly good kisser

then you pull back nd hes looking at you with the prettiest smile on the prettiest face you've ever seen

'thank u' he says 'for what?' 'for that'

'just kiss me again dummy'

yunho

puppy!! lil baby boy!!!

ok so like the first part , let's say you two have been besties for a while now

and it's just a mutual attraction and mutual liking ykno

but yunho doesnt want to mess up the friendship you guys have by trying anything

the members are all 'bruh she likes you back' and hes like 'nuh-uh you're lying'

like.... they told u sis

and one day wooyoung tells you like.. listen sis yunho has a crush on you but he refuses to do anything abt it bc hes worried itll ruin your friendship that I wouldnt even call a friendship bc of all the sexual tension but wtvr

and you slap him across the chest for that last part but

wait,,, yunho has a crush on you ?????

'are u sure ???' 'yes, bITCH ARE U BLIND'

blind w love babyyyyyyyy

this is groundbreaking news bc what the heck your longtime crush and bff likes you back !!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

so one day bc you guys are honestly just so comfy around each other and you've been holding back for so long theres no reason to delay this any longer

you walk up to his room where the door is closed and knock on it (u guys have a special knock)

and he opens and you latch onto him and kiss him

tangling your hand in his hair and clutching the shirt hes wearing

and he immediately kisses you back

no hesitation

but then

'guys. I'm still in here. like im happy for u but god just do a quick room check next time will ya' san says walking out of the room shaking his head

you both blush and turn to look at each other

yall laugh then shrug your shoulders and yunho says 'are u sure abt this? I dont want to wreck what we have'

'I'm more excited about what we're gonna have baby' you say, and he smiles, nods and leans in to kiss you again hehehehehe

yeosang

ok dis man loves his chocolate

and you know that so .. you decide to make him sum desserts!! a whole bunch

bc you LIKE HIM

and u want him to LIKE YOU

and the best way to get yeosang to fall for u is by giving him chocolate right

but what you didnt know is that he already likes you (shocker!!!)

so you bake up some brownies and cookies and cupcakes and idek other chocolate tings

and bring them all over to the dorm for him to try

and hes so excited !! 'chocolate!!! for me !!!!'

'yes !! all for u yeosangie'

he just looks as you in awe and love

and picks up a fork ready to take a bite

he stops tho and looks at you and licks his lips

and you blush but laugh

and he puts the food in his mouth and just dies because its SO GOOD

and hes just mouth open eyes wide 'holy shit'

'what?? you dont like it'

'nonononono I LOVE IT'

and he runs around the kitchen counter and hugs you so tight

'thank you!! this is amazing!!' he says looking directly into your eyes

'youre amazing' you say

'what?' he says 'o-oh nothing nothing I didnt say anything'

',,,, you just called me amazing !!! omg YOU JUST CALLED ME AMA-'

hes cut off by you pressing your mouth against his

he pulls away and says 'what was that for?'

'I had to get you to shut up somehow'

yeosang laughs and leans down towards you but gets cut off again!!!! this time with a 'omg are these cookies??????'

',,, get out mingi'

san

bruh yunho looks so funny wtf

sannie is such a happy boy :(

his life goal is making you laugh or smile

he just wants u to be happy!!! and his smile is so contagious!!!

and that's why you fell for him

and now everytime he makes u laugh or smile or smth a lil bit of a blush creeps up your cheeks

san doesnt seem to notice tho but you're ok with that

n e way

yall get along rlly well

hes the reason you're at the dorm every friday night for movie night

and someone chooses a horror movie

its scawwy

and san (tho also scared) sits next to you so he can whisper jokes to u throughout the movie

through hushed giggles and smiles at one another u realize u wanna be in a relationship w this guy

and the next time you're at the dorm, you decided nows the time to make it happen

but when u see san he doesnt seem like himself hes slouched down on the couch cuddling with his stuffed animal staring at the tv screen with nothing playing

when he sees you walk over to him he perks up a lil but not like he usually would

so u sit next to him and ask what's wrong

he fiddles his thumbs and doesnt look at you

so u rub his shoulder and put your other hand on his thigh and ask him again

this time he just looks at you

'I'm sorry' he says

'for what?' 'you're not smiling and it's my fault'

'san!!!! it's ok you dont have to be happy all the time!!!! especially not for me'

his head hangs and he sighs

you lift his head and kiss him slightly

'its ok' you whisper

instead of saying anything back, he leans his forehead to yours

you kiss him again

and again on his lips cheeks forehead nose hands

and by the end of it hes shyly smiling

'there it is!! theres my boy'

he hugs you and for the rest of the day you stay snuggled up on the couch

that day it was up to you make him smile

and you did !!!

mingi

mingo mango

the gif is what he looks like whenever you're near him

hes always whining for you whenever you're not

and when hongjoong sent you a video of mingi doing just that you though it was the funniest thing ever

'I wish y/n was here you're all a bunch of losers' 'you guys suck!!! I miss y/n'

freakin hilarious

this is something u love making fun of him for

liek damn mingi am I that special? I didnt know u liked me that much? u got a crush on me mango?

and u notice that whenever you ask that question, no matter how much of a joke it is, he never gives you an answer

but u dont rlly think about it until you start developing a crush on him

at first it's like,, oh what a baby hes so cute eating the food I made for him

and then it's like wow I wish he would dance on me like dat me too sis

and then u start complaining whenever hes not around 'wheres mingi?? I've been waiting for like an hour' nd 'ykno what would make this even better? mingi'

and everyone is like ok we get it u like mingi

and when mingi catches whiff of this oh boy it's over for you

'so ig it's me that's special now huh?' he tells you one night

'what?' 'u gotta crush on meeeeeee y/n's gotta crush on mingiiii'

and you roll your eyes because . idiot

but then step closer to him and say 'maybe I do'

and that's when his eyes go wide 'wait rlly???' he asks and you can hear the hope in his voice

'all I'm saying is that if you kissed me rn I wouldnt be opposed' is what you say back

and kiss you he does

wooyoung

ok so wooyoungie and u

have such blatant chemistry

yall are constantly flirting and idk yall just click

but u dont notice it

I mean u see the eyebrow wiggles and sly smiles some of the members give u

but all that does is confuse you

one day when wooyoung is in the washroom yunho says 'so you nd wooyoung huh?'

and you're like ...huh

yunhos like 'u dont like him? all yall do is flirt'

and when he says that a whole wall came down in your head

a wall blocking you from accessing emotions of attraction and love and shit you're emotionally scared sis

and you turn firetruck red

yunho just laughs and says 'I knew it'

wooyoung comes back and asks what's going on

'I'll just leave u two alone' yunho says chuckling

you glare at him as he leaves youre gonna get him back for that

but wooyoung doesnt sense anything and swings his arm around your shoulders pulling you into him

and he asks what you wanna do for the night

but you're quiet and distracted with these new feelings you've just found out you have

wooyoung asks if you're okay

and you look up at him but suddenly cant look at him in his eyes. his really pretty eyes

so you turn around and go to grab your stuff bc you 'forgot abt that... thing' you have to do

wooyoung, confused watches you scurry across the room

'uh.. ok.. I'll see you tomorrow?'

'yeah yeah see you' you say not looking at him

you just need to figure your feelings out and then you can see him again

so back home you're racking your brain tryna figure out if theres anything you can do to stop yourself from falling in love w wooyoung

and speak of the devil, u get a call from wooyoung

u contemplate not picking up but decide that wooyoung is still your best friend

'hello?' 'y/n!!! are you ok?? you left really suddenly earlier' 'yeah wooyoung I'm fine dw'

'are you sure? we dont want the prettiest person alive to feel sad now do we?'

you open your mouth to say something back but nothing comes out

'y/n?'

you feel the heat rise to your cheeks as you ask 'are you still free?'

'uh for u? always'

blushing even harder now you say 'I'm coming over' and end the call

once you get there you're knocking on the door frantically

wooyoung opens up with a 'jeez y/n what's the ru-'

you basically jump on him and kiss him hard

you latch your hands onto his shirt nd he wraps his hands around your waist

when you pull away for air, wooyoungs looking at you with a smile on his puffy red lips

you smile back and say 'that was the rush'

wooyoung smiles harder and pulls you back into him

'took you long enough'

jongho

jongho cant believe u two have met

you're one of his favourite new idols

and you met at a show

and you told him how amazing ateez's performance was

blushing, he tells you how much he likes your music

you ask him if hes hungry to which he says yes bc 1) hes always hungry and 2) he cant say no to u ever

so u buy him one of those sandwiches w the jam and the coleslaw or wtvr you know what I'm talking about

and you sit to talk and eat for a while before you have to leave

you ask for his number and tell him you'll call him sometime

and you do

all the time

at first hes shy and boyish which makes you laugh

but after a while he gets comfy and will brag and sing to you and joke

you guys catch each other up on everything

he tells you all about the boys and the boys all about you

and you realise how good a listener this guy is nd how handsome!! and cute

and so at the next show you see him at you walk up to him

and with your heart doing flips and take his hand and tell him to walk around with you

he does and you lead him to a less busy hallway where you just look at him and say 'I like you'

jonghos like... wait. huh. what. wait i- and hes blushing so much even his ears turn red

'me? you like me? bc I like you too and if you're joking or something I would be really sad and I've told the members that I like you and they made fun of me so this would be great of u did like me but if you dont and this is a joke id be really upset' and hes rambling and not looking you in the eye

so you lean in and kiss him

'it's not a joke' you say

'its,, not a joke? are you sure?' 'I'm sure'

'you're sure' 'are you going to keep repeating everything I say? or are u gonna kiss me again?'

jongho, blushing even harder now, chooses the second option

[intheseautumnhands]

i’m so tired

i’m so tired of being this worthless fucking mess all the time

i’m so tired of being isolated and lonely and anxious and being so, so jealous of other people every time they talk about having a good time

i’m so tired of being a mess and feeling alone and not knowing how to stop. i’m tired of feeling like i can only believe two people care about me because around everyone else i’m not even a mess i’m just a void with a mouth that i either use too much or too little and i don’t even think i knwo what comes out of it half the time so how can anyone actually give a fuck about me when there’s nothing there to give a fuck about

i’m tired of waiting for those people i can even believe do care to realize that i am and always have been this worthless fucking mess and give up already, because it’s about time they worked it out, everyone else has. i’m so tired of waiting to get shut out and accidentally push people away that i almost want to purposefully start pushing them away so i know it’s coming already

i’m tired of feeling like i’m not fucking allowed to have or express feelings because it comes out wrong or it fucks things up or i tdoes something i don’t want it to

i’m tired of missing things and times and people i know were bad for me because at least i knew whati  was supposed to do and who to be around them

i’m tired of feeling liek it doesn’t even matter if the mess gets sorted out because all i am is the mess and if it gets sorted out and things improve well, that’s just fucking proof that i was no good after all and nobody gave a shit about the mess, because that’s all there is, that’s all i am, and that’s if it improves at all which i don’t believe is possible

i’m tired of not even being sure i actually fucking want things that i want or if i just want to feel something different so badly i’ve convinced myself i want these things i think should help that and that’s why none of it ever fucking works

and i’m physically tired, i’m so physically tired because i’m sleeping like shit and i’ve barely been eating because i hate making food for just me and i feel like the rest of the world barely fucking exists when i’m shut into this room alone and i hate it and i hate being this way but this is all there is to me, there’s nothing good left if there ever was anything there

[sei-bon]

@rosesinhiseyes do you want to know why i keep tagging you, why i keep sending messages to a fucking wall?

because you refuse to leave my life. I told you i wanted you gone, i told you i wanted to forget all about you. i don’t want to be your friend. who you’ve become is a person i would never befriend.

I want you gone

stop leaving the door open

stop counting on me to reach out again in a moment of weakness.

do you know what that’s doing to me right now? of course i’m still nostalgic and i miss who you used to be. it’s an absolute mindfuck to see two completely opposite people in the same person, to be hurt and abused by someone i loved so much and used to love me in return. I hate thinking about it

i loved you. i do not love you now. i hate you. you ruined my life, you hurt not just me. you hurt my friends, you hurt my son.

you took his mother from him. i will never be able to give him the kind of guidance he needs, the affection he needs .i can’t bear to be hugged by my own child because of what you put me through. i wake him with my crying and screaming in my sleep, and in turn he has a hard time in school, he’s tired and moody. he’s nine years old and he says he wants to die. he picked that up from me and i want to die because of you

first you called me your soulmate

then you said even if we weren’t together life just didn’t feel right without me

when we stopped talking you said you thought about me, you missed me, so on and so forth. you reached out to me when i had already started trying to move on with new friends

you gave me a taste of what things used to be like and of course i was happy that things seemed to be the way they used to be, and we could be friends again

you crossed the line again and  said you wanted to try dating again. i turned you down. i didn’t clearly say why at the time, just that i couldn’t.i wasn’t ready for anything like that, i didn’t have the emotional stability for a relationship, i wanted to be a stronger person before taking on something like that

you started becoming distant, we started fighting again, you started favoring precious @fishtailsushi, whether becuase you knew it hit a nerve with me or because you were actually trying to put her in my place as your best friend because you couldn’t have me. i don’t know why you did it

and i hated her for that. still do. always will. she may not be the catalyst for who you’ve become but she and her company sure did encourage it

anyway, you started acting distant towards me, you were harder on me than your other friends and doing all these little things that i told you were upsetting for me before. I’m sure you conveniently forgot i ever sad a thing. you forget everything so easily... except for your idea of me for some reason. You treated me like shit, you didn’t stand up for me when she’d talk shit but becuase i told her to go for a drive when she was blind drunk... well that just gave you the go-ahead to go harder on your mistreatment.

you didn’t even kick me out immediately. we had an argument that night then didn’t talk for a few days. they you just decided nah don’t want me there. EVEN THOUGH i was close with people in the group becuase you and that precious bitch had a grudge I couldn’t be allowed near anything you cast your light upon

even then, you couldn’t let go of me

i tried to strengthen the bonds with my new friends, talk to them and find my own way

but i guess you missed me because you opened the door again and after having a bad nightmare i reached out to you again and we tried to make a friendship work again

and you said you loved me

a week later you said you felt nothing for me. i was nothing special. i was a casual relationship for you.

and here’s where one of those “little” upsetting things come into play. back when you bragged in call to @justcrossedoverthings about having slept with a lot of people and not needing to be in love with them to do so... well, a bunch of pieces fell into place the wall i’d put up to forget about what happened between us

the more you mistreated me, the bigger the cracks grew, but it was still contained. I kept telling myself you loved me, you wouldn’t hurt me (even though at that point in time you already caused an immeasurable amount of pain)

but in the end, you said you didn’t love me and i was just a misguided fling, and i should have known that

funny though, i didn’t think the word soulmate and fling were interchangeable

but yeah... you didn’t need love to fuck someone.

you didn’t need their consent either

I tried so hard to paint my rape into some grand gesture of affection. surely jeremi must love me if he’s doing this. i wouldn’t want to break his heart. i don’t want this, but i do want his love. i don’t want to lose jeremi. this is something i would have had to do sooner or later. i should be grateful. jeremi loves me.

“jeremi loves me” that’s the mantra that kept me going

when i did what pleased you i heard it a lot, that you loved me.

but when i needed you to tell me how much you loved me, you wouldn’t, you’d push me away. i felt so alone and the one person i loved most couldn’t even tell me “val, i love you. don’t worry, you can get through this. *we* can get through this.” no, you left me to die.

you threw me away and tried to fill the void with new people

i still told myself that you loved me... but i started to think that maybe you didn’t, maybe you never did, maybe i was just a fling. i tried to ignore the latter. even when we weren’t talking. jeremi loves me. we are no longer friends but jeremi still loves me

but we did become friends again. jeremi loved me. jeremi loved me a lot

i think you were just craving affection and knew you could get it out of me, but the feelign wasn’t mutual.

but yeah, when you said you didn’t love me, i had to  face what had happened. I was just part of your tally, you weren’t in love with me, but i was real easy to  trick, you’d already planted the seeds to get me eating out of your hand. i trusted you, even though you already crossed the lines i drew

you crossed more and more. and when we fought about those lines you made me feel liek absolute shit for having them drawn in the first place. because if we’re so close i shouldn’t need to have any boundaries. that’s what you tried to make me believe. and it felt wrong

i told you i didn’t have an interest in sex. I told you that quite a few times before your visit. i cried over the phone becuase i was afraid you wouldn’t want to be with me becuase i couldn’t have sex. but none of that ended up mattering, something so important to me was of no concern to you. what you want, you get and nothing i could say or do was going to stop you. it didn’t in teh past and it wasn’t going to in that moment. it was do things your way or lose you.

i didn’t want to have sex, jeremi. I didn’t want you to touch me that way. I didn’t want to shower with you. i didn’t want to send you nudes, i didn’t want to sext you

but i did want to make you happy, so you would still love me and already i learned that it made no difference if i said no

but you said you loved me, so i did my best to excuse it and be a good girlfriend

i’ve had nightmares about your visit for a long time. whenever i told you i had a dream about you, it was a nightmare i was trying to look at in a positive light. you did what you did becuase you loved me so much you couldn’t control yourself, i should be happy

but you said you didn’t love me and the comforting lie i told myself to endure everything ended up being... a lie

i begged you to love me and you just looked down on me. desperation is so unbecoming and repulsive. no one like me is deserving of your attention

so you cast me out again. if it wasn’t for the supposrt of the new friends i made, i would have killed myself after that.

but it was hard to come to terms with everything that i’d kept repressed. i couldn’t stop thinking about what you did to me, what other’s have done to me throughout my life. I had everything tucked away and was able to ignore it for a good long time but you, you were the straw that broke the camel’s back

i have to confront a lifetime of sexual abuse because of you.

i have to somehow accept that i can never do anything about the abusers in my past

i have to somehow accept that they are still out and about, probably hurting more people and there’s nothign i can do about it

i have to accept that in the grand scheme of things they probably don’t feel a lick of remorse for the pain they inflicted on me. they probably don’t remember me at all

but i can never forget them, i wish i could. i wish i could forget you

you’ve always left communication open hoping i’d see things your way and come back. not because you really want me but because you can’t stand someone walking away, and it makes you look like the good guy to leave the door open, or maybe you knew my lingering feelings would break my resolve to go on without you and i’d come running back begging for another chance

I sure did make a fool of myself doing that so often and i know i’m a creature of habit so i may very well do it again

i’m afraid of that breakdown, another fight, wounds being salted.

i wanted this to be the very end, no more contact between us, i wanted the door to stay closed. you can’t be trusted.

yeah, i asked you to put me on your static and back in the discord, to be a part of your group, to never be alone with you because that’s when things get bad. that’s what i wanted from you.

but you wanted to keep me a secret

yet you wanted to be a part of a group that told you to your face that they hated you. you wanted me to let you in anyway and i almost agreed to it. but i wanted the same from you, to be a part of what i used to belong to and you wouldn’t, you insisted that i couldn’t be involved with anybody you knew, and they couldn’t know that you were even speaking to me

i had to be a secret

i’m not keeping any more secrets

I’m not hiding anything, certainly not for your sake

I’d thought to, for a time. i thought about how taking legal action would affect you, your family, your our friends. could i really go through with this? maybe there’s still a chance to mend things, maybe he didn’t mean what he said, maybe he still loved me

and i reached out to you again, i told you what i was planning to do

i told you how much i was hurting, how i dreaded going forward with my case. i wanted my best friend back, but i couldn’t just accept the pain you caused while you offer to treat me as a second class acquaintance at best. I didn’t want to stick around just becuase you don’t liek to lose.

i’ve already lost so much becuase of you and you wanted me to just lie down and accept that you raped me and there was nothing i could do about it, shit happens and you can’t help it because that behavior was “normalized” for you. i at least wanted you to grant me something so i didn’t feel so cheap

to let me back into the discord and onto your static. a pittance.

but you can’t give me that. nothing i ask for

i asked you to help me pay for my medication and counseling to treat the wounds you gave me as an alternative

but according to you that was extortion

your hands were tied

you offered me... what was it? you offered to buy me monster hunter world?

you offered to buy me a game. a game was supposed to make up for all this grief you’ve caused. a game was supposed to be enough to make everything better. you absolutely obliterated my dignity and a game i didn’t even want was a fair trade in your book.

thank you, jeremi. i didn’t think i could feel any cheaper but god you just know all the right ways to fuck me up don’t you?

you did this to me before too, one of our earlier breakups you said you went ahead and bought me stormblood and sent me the code. i think i told you to leave me alone for a while so i could work through my feelings a few days prior to that. i was reluctant to accept it but i thought it couldn’t hurt, maybe i can work through this and keep a good friendship with you

nope.

you fucking pulled at my heartstrings and i got back with you again

the same thing happened when we started playing black desert together after yet another split

it happened again after i got into mabinogi with you, but that time i had the audacity to turn you down

but given this pattern why the fuck would i accept another game from you just to be hurt again when i’m even more vulnerable and far more unstable than i was when i first turned you down.

i can’t trust you

even during our conversation last week. i started off with “why haven’t you blocked me,” “ i hate you” and such. i hurled every insult i could at you and i meant it. but you almost had me, you still managed to melt my heart and almost win me over but i started asking questions because this was too good to be true, and it was.

you worded things in a way that almost made me believe you were giving me what i wanted. but no, it was giving you what you wanted and i was going to end up hurt

you’re so manipulative. for better or worse, i’ve gotten burned enough times that i started questioning the “peace offer” instead of blindly accepting it.

that’s about when you started losing it and striking back at me because oh poor baby isn’t getting his way and the mask is starting to slip.

so now you’‘re doing this whole grand fuck you gesture of not talkign to me but refusing to block me

and keeping logs of the whole thing

well, good for you jeremi. have fun with it. like i said , i have nothing to hide. I’m going to fight back and there’s nothing you can do about it. you can’t silence me, you can’t cover up what’s happened

it doesn’t feel good to be powerless, does it?

it feels really really shitty huh?

I’d ask you to think about how I felt but it’s beyond your capability to think of anyone but yourself but rest assured that what you’re feeling doesn’t even come close to what I have barely lived through

if you could have gotten over yourself and at least indulged my final request to block me on all fronts, so i could actually move on I would have continued my fight quietly at least.

but you never actually gave a fuck whether i moved on or not, you just need to have your way. which for some fucked up reason includes having me in your life. And I’m not allowed to die becuase it’s not what you want.

like

listen, my dude. the bullshit you’re pulling right now makes me want to kill myself even more

i wish you would just fucking block me so i will never be tempted to look back

i don’t want to live knowing you’re still trying to hang on in some fucked up way, it fucks with me, i can’t even live for myself because you’re the one tellign me to live. why the fuck should i be here to please you while you hurt me?

you’re goign to spite me to the very end so i may as well do the same

fuck you jeremi, my blood is on your hands and i’m going to make sure everyone knows what you’ve done

to my friends, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I didn’t mean to waste your time and love. I appreciate the kindness you’ve all shown me. I tried my best to make it through this. i’m sorry. I love you guys, and I hope life is kind to you, you deserve the best.

to my friends that still associate with jeremi. you deserve so much better. don’t let him drag you down like he did to me. Don’t let him put someone else through this

-Sei/Seiko/Valerie

[freehim]

When I was younger I would play with my cousin's contacts water. When I was younger I would play with my uncle's body powder and secretly kill his guppies. I got caught but I had fun. But the way they scolded me, I can no longer remember. I do not remember most of my memories when I was younger.

Growing up since kindergarten my mom always left me at my aunt's so I didn't see her a lot until at night.

At my aunt's,.no one would play with me. My cousin would bully me. I only had his old Legos to play with. No one wanted to play with me. No one had time for me. I always wanted to play at the playground after school with Jessica but all I'd get were 5minutes.

Maybe I did receive and perceived and felt love when I was younger. But now I'm older,I don't recall ever feeling loved.

Yes,my mom buys me things. She buys me supper and cakes home. But it doesn't feel like love.

Familial love should be along the lines of communication and feel safe and happy around your family, yes?

But I don't feel that. Dad never talks to me. He just stays in his room. I barely ever saw him when I was in kindergarten until we moved in together in this house. Dad was always either out or stuck in his room. Now that I'm older,I'm glad he does because it means he wouldn't bother me.

Mom used to buy hello kitty donuts for me for Friday when I was younger for me to eat while on my dad's computer. She would leave early in the morning on Saturday for work. I don't know why,but I could see her from our window and I'd always cry while eating my donut, watching her walk away to work. Then once she was out of view I'd get up like nothing happened.

Growing up no one was really there for me other than the internet. The fun I had playing battle cats,angry gran,temple run ,jetpack joyride and that one red girl and blue boy running game.

That's why I was so attached to talking tom. It was like someone finally wanted to talk to me. That's why talking Angela was so fun for me. It felt like someone loved me.

I don't remember what that's like anymore.

There is just this void of no one wants to be near me. That was until I gained consciousness and chuuya came into my life. Chuuya has so much potential. He's kind, he's a little dense,hes cool and strong and passionate and pretty and handsome at the same time.he's honest,kinda depressed but he cares so much for the people that mean a lot to him. I was so attracted and attached to Chuuya when I first saw him.

He was so cute and funny in that first meeting with Dazai. It's like watching some nerd do goofy things and going:he's silly I like it

Chuuya makes me feel happy. Chuuya makes me feel better because.

Chuuya. This Chuuya I'm referring to. I'm personally guess this Chuuya is the Chuuya in my head. The Chuuya that isn't as brutal as canon. The Chuuya that would stop his tracks for some random kid. That's the Chuuya in my head,I think.

This Chuuya, he could be my dad, he'd teach me how to fix things and play sports

he could be my big brother, he'd play games with me and tell me he's proud of anything I'm doing or just bother me in a fun way liek siblings do

he could be my best friend,he would listen to me vent,he would teach me things I wouldn't understand,he wouldn't leave me behind,he would be so close to me people would think: wtf y'all aren't dating???

he could be my lover. He would hold my hand with his soft ones from being under gloves all the time, he'd wash my hair,telling me how dry it is, he'd let me hug and gnaw at him out of nowhere, he'd kiss me on the cheek or forehead, he'd hold me gently when I start to cry.

This Chuuya would love me in the way I need. This Chuuya would be happy,the one thing in my life I finally get that keeps me consistently happy.

I get to imagine Chuuya in all these scenarios because he isn't real. He's nothing but part of my imagination. There aren't any consequences of thinking of such happy scenarios because he isn't real. Chuuya isn't real,therefore my dreaming scenarios will never come true.

He fills in for the things I lack to be content. The one thing I need to just fill the void in my heart. Someone that would finally love me,take care of me and doesn't think I'm a piece of shit.

But that's all simply just a dream,not something that would ever come true

[wowheadquarters]

Interview with Garrosh

Q: Why did you do what you did during the siege of Orgrimmar?

Garrosh: What exactly are we talking about here? Garrosh: Using heart of Y’Shaarj seemed as a good idea. I admit it wasn’t, but in my defense, no one knew it would blow up the Valley. I just needed a power core. Garrosh: It was supposed to kick up the engines and power up warriors as well to defeat the damned Alliance and what was left of tthe Scourge, the bloody Zandalari and their followers, blasted Murlocs, and...  Garrosh: Azeroth was Horde’s for taking. Just look at the Elves and Humans what they had done to it. They don’t deserve that world! We were promised a better world after ours was destroyed by Gul’dan and the Legion. We need home. We can’t live on Outland, the spirits are abandoning it, it will never heal. And Azeroth is free, most of the races are too stupid and love to destroy it. Which is... Illogical. Garrosh: Most of the Horde races could live in peace with the spirits on Azeroth without destroying the world. Even the Trolls, despite I don’t like them much. Of course we couldn’t have a peaceful life when the Alliance was still trying to kill us all. Garrosh: If you want peace for the future generations, you need to fight now.

Q: What is it like raising 37 ghost children? 

Garrosh: It’s... exhausting. But rewarding.

Q: How do you feel about the Death Knights? 

Garrosh: I don’t like Death Knights. There were Death Knights in the old Horde. Gorefiend, maybe you remember? You could have met him in what was left of Shadowmoon Valley. Garrosh: A lot of things in the old Horde was bad. Death Knights among them. And nothing about them had improved. Even worse, most of them now aren’t Orcs. Orcs are at least a little trustworthy. Garrosh: It doesn’t help knowing the Scourge wanted me to be a Death Knight as well.

Q: What's your favorite type of cake?

Garrosh: I um... Don’t cake much actually. Cakes aren’t an ORc thing, you know. Maybe some... Berry cake?

Q: Soooo, what is there to do in the afterlife? Aside taking care of 37 ghost children ofc (where they came from btw?).

Garrosh: That’s the bad part about being dead. Nothing to do. It’s... boring. Garrosh: As for where they came from... That differs a lot. Garrosh: Gormak, Goruma and Ganan all come from the alternate Draenor. They died in various events upon froming and maintaing the Iron Horde. Garrosh: I know that Gwen died upon the attack on Theramore. And Gabrielle was in Warsong Offensive. I think I have seen Ga’bra in Orgrimmar few times, so I suppose he died either during the revolution or when it came to dealing with Trolls. Garrosh: But there are plenty of them I have to idea where they came from, liek Gnaw, Gruk, Gerard, Gizzele, Gabe, Grll or Glue.

Q: Are you jealous that Varian gets to be the ghost wolf?

Garrosh: No. I never liked wolves much anyway. I mean sure, they are useful but... There are better animals.

Q: Is there anything you miss from the world of the living?

Garrosh: There are few people I’d like to see again. But then I realize they wouldn’t like to see me. So no. Not really.

Q: Why are you too stupid to believe in strength other than brute force?

Garrosh: Alright, listen here. I know exactly what you think. You think me for a warrior who doesn’t use brain. And that is wrong. You can’t fight without thinking. That’s a suicide. Especially when you are responsible not only for yourself but other people too. Garrosh: The Orcs have two kinds of strength. The strength of warriors and the strength of shamans. Each works differently. Garrosh: Do I seem like a shaman to you? Garrosh: You might have not noticed what happens when I use anything else than brute force. I am quite sure the Pandarens are still quite upset about it. It’s not like I don’t believe in other kinds of strength. I just don’t think they work for me.

Q: What is your problem with Trolls? They served in Northrend like anybody else

Garrosh: Are we talking about the creepy, sneaky, blood thirsty, man-eating voodoo zealots that shouldn’t be allowed near anything sharp, stoned nearly all day, always ready to stab someone in their back, worshipping weird gods who let heads explode Trolls? These Trolls you mean? Garrosh: Aside from this... Nothing.

Q: So Garrosh, how does it feel to be in Heroes of the Storm?

Garrosh: It’s actually pretty awesome. Garrosh: And I like that girl... D.va is her name? She is a born warrior.

Q: Will you be adopting anymore ghost children?

Garrosh: Maybe. If I find some.

Q: What do you regret most, now that you're dead?

Garrosh: I should have eaten more chocolate in my life. When I came to Azeroth, chocolate was something extraordinary, amazing and new. I always saved it for special occasions, I never ate chocolate just because I could. I should have done that. I should have make moments special by eating chocolate, not celebrate special moments by chocolate. Advice from me: Life is short, eat chocolate whenever you want to. Garrosh: Also I am still kind of bitter I never head a death match with Vol’jin. Fucking liar that Troll. He promised to kill me and where was he at Nagrand, huh? I am still kind of expecting to pop up somewhere alive again just so we can fight each other to death. Garrosh: That would be awesome, actually.

Q: How do you deal with 37 (38 count Liam) ghost children?

Garrosh: They are pretty cool children, honestly. As dead they don’t eat. So it’s a lot of games and sleep. We often play War or we made our own Hearthstone cards. They love me. Somehow. I have no idea why.

Q: How is being stuck in the afterlife with one of the most despicable people and knowing that your kids love him?

Garrosh: It feels... Weird. IT gets only weirder when I realize that me and Vol’jin are... Well... We actually can get along. Garrosh: Imagine it as meeting the neighborhood bully twenty years later and finding out they are actually an okay person who shares a lot of interests with you. Garrosh: And about the kids... They love me too. Plus it’s that Troll who is called mom, not me.

Q: How do you feel about Anduin being the new king of the Alliance now that Varian kicked the bucket?

Garrosh: You know... It really is not my problem now, is it? Garrosh: Who knows. Maybe that kid is competent. Let’s hope for his own good he doesn’t catch the Famous Father syndrome. Not because I like him, I just know it is a shit.

Q: What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?

Garrosh: Aside from losing to Thrall? And bunch of stupid heroes? Garrosh: Back in Garadar there was a phase when I couldn’t sleep unless someone sang to me. That was very embarrassing.

Q: Hey Garrosh, if you could be reborn into anything what would it be?

Garrosh: You say “could”. Does that mean I don’t have to? Garosh: But if I had to... I’d return as a tree. An oak.

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[ask-the-dif-host]

“’I... will be going to bed now,’

“the Host says, sighing from somewhere behind the library door. ‘I’m so sorry for the lack of activity. I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now, and I’m sorry it’s affecting me talking to you guys as much as I wish I could. I... I would prefer if     ( ´ ▽ ` ) took it from here. I need to sleep, or something. Goodnight, my dearest Readers. I love you all so much. Goodnight.’“

Um...  ( ´ ▽ ` ) speaking. Long rant under the cut... cause I can understand if not everyone wants to read this.

So.... yeah. Hi guys. Sorry... about everything that’s been going on, I guess. I feel like an absolute mess for no apparent reason. I think it might be something like depression??? but like it’s a little confusing. Anyway I just lose all motivation and become super apathetic and just a bunch of other stuff. I keep flailing my arms and legs and like... kicking and hitting things. Scratching things, including myself. I feel super numb. But also, it’s always a roller coaster. One second I’ll be feeling pretty great and think I’ve been cured of my bad mood spell, and then suddenly I’m down in the dumps again. I suppose it’s keeping up the amount of energy I wish I could have that’s not happening. I just sit in my chair and wish I could do something other than mindlessly scrolling Tumblr but if I don’t move fast enough my mind wanders back and I lose all sense of time and feeling again for however long. I forget to eat, sleep, and otherwise take care of myself during these moments as well. And every time I consider texting a friend or something for emotional support, I always talk myself out of it because I’m anxious that they just won’t care which I know is ridiculous but like... god, I can’t get it out of my head. It’s almost like I’m incapable of showing the full extent of my pain to the outside world too, because like my parents--they have no idea I’m feeling this shit! And my dad is always trying to find a solution, always just like ‘Oh, well you have no reason to be upset, so why are you?’ and I always respond with something like ‘I know that I have no reason to be upset! If I knew why I was upset I’d freaking do something about it! I’m not a dumbass.’ but he just keeps repeating the same words and not thinking that maybe it’s not helpful??? And like I’m not suicidal or anything and honestly I could never see myself self-harming or anything serious like that but like... I think of all these random scenarios of things killing me and how I almost wish it would happen and then, you know, I’m like what the Fuck???? But at the same time I guess it makes sense. Well, it only makes sense when I’m feeling bad, I guess. If I were feeling ‘normal’/happy then I’d be like double what the fuck!!!! because I honestly couldn’t imagine myself thinking shit like that. And like even though I talk to a therapist, I’m never really feeling BAD around her because like I’ve basically taught myself to show almost no signs of these bad emotions unless they get too intense (in which case I isolate myself so people won’t see me cry, while simultaneously wishing I could scream for help). Oh, yeah. I always try to scream when I’m falling into these pits. Like, when it gets really BAD TM, I kinda curl up on the floor and just try to like scream but I can’t get a voice out and my entire body is shaking and I just curl up in a ball and curse everything, curse my existence, curse the air I breathe. And I’m crying and shaking and if someone tries to reassure me (by physical contact especially) the process starts all over again and like I kinda wanna claw my throat out but I can’t even scream now so liek>>>K[ojrwao wrb[wEI’RNNO

Sorry.... I’ve never ranted about my emotions before. Maybe I just really wanted... needed to get this off of my chest. I never tell anyone I personally know how I feel, and I certainly could never tell them all of this. I don’t know how posting it on the internet on a blog that’s definitely not supposed to be about me to people that I don’t really know all too well (most who I don’t know at all) will help, but... I dunno, send in support? Maybe? If you actually take time out of your day to read this bullshit? Maybe it will helP? I want it to help. I don’t know if it helps. My head hurts kinda. Ughhghsoifseufwoeif.

I need to get over myself. I hate myself. I’m so shy and I never say what I want to and I don’t understand how people like me ever. Like, how do I have friends? Myabe I wish I had a few more??? Like... I have like a few good close friends, which is usually like NICE TM in highschool but like... i’ve been conditioned to think more is better>??? aAnd i want mroe liek now but....weofubfwkebfjw;kbjae my mind is messing up. I’m stopping caring about the typos as much so sorry about that... I’m a mess. I hate. i ahgiseu.

God I hope no one actually read this bullshit. i cnnt believe I said all of this. But i’m not gonna erase it, I guess??? I... I guess I want people to be here for me... it’s stupid and selfish and I hate everything about what I’m doing right now... and if you think this is stupid and manipulative just ignore it/???? Becayse it might be,,, I’m not, like, sure anymore. I don’t want to be manipulative... o’m always afraid that I am.... Sorry.

I might be on hiatus from now until next Saturday (The 15th). I’ll probably drop by a few times to say hello. I’ll probably talk about this the next time I’m on here... sorry.

[preetsposting]

Okay, you're up for that last question set, as many as you want of course :P

:P I appreciate you! not drunk but v sleepy so basically drunk right?

[edit- putting under a readmore because long]

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

*checks phone* umm not actively but if i had to it wouldn’t be bad

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

ye actually i did 

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

nope

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

I don’t think so. maybe it’s an issue in that I just like “hey here’s a lot of things about me you probably didn’t want to know” 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

I’m not actively crushing on anyone right now but I like a lot of my friends as people, so yes I hung out with someone I liked just not romantically

6. What are you excited for?

starting my new job in seattle; hanging out with some high school friends tomorrow; 5 years from now to see what my life will be like

7. What happened tonight?

i drank a coke zero and tried to write some code but instead was on tumblr the entire time because anxiety is kicking my ass today

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

nah man let women enjoy things. also i’m p often a wasted girl

9. Is confidence cute?

ye

10. What is the last beverage you had?

this motherfucking coke zero

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

I think like 2-3 have 100% trust and several more have like 90+% trust. also like i trust a couple people who aren’t my gender but they aren’t an opposite gender because nb genders exist so them too

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

ye but idk where they are and i want more

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

hang out with some high school pals and probably have a beer and watch @thejediexile‘s movie 

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

idk probably beer or snacks 

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

i was going out with them when i kissed them

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

for sure. starting a new degree and new job in a new city. plus i’m always evolving. B)

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

@when-in-doubt-go-to-the-library, hands down. 

18. The last time you felt broken?

this is a continuous feeling so yeah right now i guess

19. Have you had sex today?

nope 

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

most of my recent realizations have been me working on my recent breakup but like i have a lot of existential realizations that make me feel like i’m just passing time until I die but i’ve been working on being more optimistic

21. Are you in a good mood?

i’m neutral

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yes! sounds neato

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

i mean technically yes but they’re like a shade darker

24. What do you want right this second?

a spark of creativity and to have better discipline

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

i want more than anything for them to be happy but like there’s enough nuance here that I’d just cry a lot because it would add layers to the breakup

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

i have brown/caramel highlights in my natural black hair

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

nah

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

that fucking package delivery dance off video

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

ye

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

it really depends

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

of course not! @elytrid is rad B) 

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

this is complicated because again, recent breakup

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

i drink too much diet pop

34. Listening to?

currently solution .45

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

yes? 

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

in his house playing video games more than likely

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

not love; maybe interest/infatuation/lust

38. Who did you last call?

me mum

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

i danced to abba with my 4 year old cousin last weekend, but like in a more “real” setting i got drunk and went to a club my last week of school and was busting out some moves

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

they were my bf and they had to go home and it was a goodbye kiss (and it was my birthday AND the last time i ever saw them ahahah i’m not bitter) 

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

?? idk 

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

ye

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

always, man

44. Do you tan in the nude?

??? no?? 

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

no, I don’t think I would 

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

kinda? active conversation but I didn’t fall asleep while texting

47. Who was the last person to call you?

me mum

48. Do you sing in the shower?

when i’m home alone ye

49. Do you dance in the car?

that sounds dangerous

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

not a real one

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

college senior photos like a month ago

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

yes but also wonderful

53. Is Christmas stressful?

kind of but not really

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

yes??????? of course???????? what do you take me for

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

i liek appl

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

pilot, lawyer, content writer for video games

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

not really? like ghosts can be real psychologically or sentimentally but not like ectoplasm n shit

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

frequently

59. Take a vitamin daily?

i should but I don’t

60. Wear slippers?

nop

61. Wear a bath robe?

nop

62. What do you wear to bed?

usually an oversized computer science shirt and soft big pants

63. First concert?

I don’t actually know? i performed in recitals when smol so maybe those

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

tar-jayyyy

65. Nike or Adidas?

/shrug

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

c h e e t o b o i z 

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

cashew, pecan

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

tswift is cancelled as a person but blank slate is fun at parties

69. Ever take dance lessons?

yes, tap dance in elementary, i was bad

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

not particularly

71. Can you curl your tongue?

ye

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

i haven’t actually

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

yeah

74. What is your favorite book?

hmm. this is hard. LoTR maybe

75. Do you study better with or without music?

with, for sure. 

76. Regularly burn incense?

kind of? like we do it for hinduism 

77. Ever been in love?

yeah

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

kamelot, again. :P 

79. What was the last concert you saw?

my brother’s band concert

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

depends on weather :3 

81. Tea or coffee?

depends on mood, generally coffee tho

82. Favorite type of cookie?

i like chocolate chip toffee oatmeal

83. Can you swim well?

i can swim ok

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

yeah def

85. Are you patient?

I would say so, and I’ve had people tell me I’m too patient which was a nice complement

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

Wedding? Probably DJ 

87. Ever won a contest?

Probably

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

Nope

89. Which are better black or green olives?

Context?

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

as long as it’s consensual!

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room!

92. Do you want to get married?

yeah I’d like to also I have to basically because #indianparents

[bitter-limelight]

so I got in a screaming match with my grandma

It started with me not being interested in a video of a priest singing Hallelijah on FB considering catholicism made me suicidal, ruined my life and i’m still recovering form it. She doesn’t know this because it’d break her heart if I wasn’t catholic cause KLAUS’S ARE CATHOLIC, full stop end of sentence. Anyway i took the trash out, came bck  in and she was crying. of course when i asked her whats wrong it was nothing. i’m fine. no. nothing. everythings fine. Because Klaus’s also show no negative emotion, ever. Finally she starts sobbing how i’ve CHANGED, how she doesn’t undrstand me anymore, how she just DOESNT GET ME and i’m like thats because we aren’t allowed to talk and actually share feelings and emotions and I ask what about me she doesn’t understand. She went on to say I’m bitter and I think everyone in the family who spent my whoel life loving and supporting me, actually hates me and i’m just makeing up stories, and how aunt mary is SO HURT that I just dont TALK to her. Ok, I say. Aunt Mary looked at me, 11 years old at HER HOUSE on Christmas Eve and said, why would I buy you a christmas present, you dont belong to me makeing me the only child at christmas who didn’t get a gift (i willnote here that her HUSBAND bought me a gift the next year because he thought, you know, prepubescent kids shouldn’t be sitting alone on the floor watching all their cousins unwrap CD’s and makeup and Barbies when they got nothing.) Aunt Mary did nothing about her youngest daughter, the cousin closest to me in age, bullying me our whole childhood because SHE was blonde and wealthy and pretty and, Sorry, ‘Chelle, but you’re just really ugly, I don’t think anyones ever gonna marry you, no you can’t play with us, you’re not special, you’re not pretty, why are you trying  out for cheerleader girls liek you aren’t cheerleaders. AUnt Mary never did shit for me And the rest of the family all loves and supports me? When? Was it during Thereaseas bachelorette party when all these much older cousins had a blast talking about the movies and music of their generation amongst themselves and with their younger (younger than me) sisters, yet when I tried to join it I was smacked away and told I was too young, I woulnd’t understand, I coudln’t talk with them? Was it during all the holidays where I watched them collect eggs or film home movies or play party games or learn cooking lessons and I was told no machelle, you’re too young, you’re in their way, only to wait my turn for years only to then watch my YOUNGER cousins collect eggs and film home movies and play party games and learn cooking lessons and be told NO MACHELLE YOU’RE TOO OLD, you’re in their way. How loving and supportive was it to throw a graduation party for an older cousin on my 13th birthday and SHAME ME for haveing the BLATANT AUDACITY and SELFISHNESS to ask if i could have my name on a cake on mY BIRTHDAY at a party being held ON MY BIRTHDAY at MY HOUSE. No, no, selfish Machelle again. Where was this supportive family when I was being teased and beaten and whipped and locked in rooms at school? Oh, yes, that’s right. they went to school to raise hell...about their daughters only being in the yearbook 12 times, that’s obviously the REAL tragedy that happened the year a bunch of older girls took a fucking ROPE TO MY BACK. That’s priorities. Get over it, this supportive family told me. ZIgnore the bullies. Stop dressing weird. Be nicer, and boys 4 years older than you won’t scream at you in the hallway, steal your glasses or taunt you abotu being diseased. Clearly my fault. Yup. Also my fault that this SUPPORTIVE FAMILY yelled at a cousin 13 years younger than them for being SELFISH and SPOILED because, wait for it, my mother ABADONED ME, tried to KILL ME AT BIRTH, and now I “got” to live with grandma. Grandma shoudln’t buy me or do anythign for me that she didn’t do for them. FOr these teenage beauty queens who HAD their mothers. My fault I never TOLD HER i had problems, even though, ya know, i did. I told her i was depressed when i was 8 but that was “for attention” and only for kids with REAL problems. I told her I was cutting when I was 15 and she just said WELP i can’t help you, you’re pathetic, you’re beyond hope. go away. I told her at 16 that I felt like dad didn’t treat me right and i asked if I was really his, and she BAWLED and screamed that i was a brat and of COURSE i was his, and I just wasnted an excuse for a NEW dad. She lied to my face. I wasn’t his and he let it show. Of course she finished todays tirade with IM JUST A BAD GRANDMA I GUESS AND IM NOT WORTH ANYTHING which is always how she ends an argument, so you’ll comfort HER and console HER, like I’ve been doing since I was 5 FUCKING years old and her life started eating away at my childhood and i became her full time fuckign caretaker. Homecoming dances? prom night? going on rides with friends? ALWAYS under the tears of grandma asking how will i get by without you for a few hours? do you NEED to go to prom? are you sure? I really need you here to BRING ME AN ICE CREAM CONE, I need you here... FUCK YOU CUNT I need you out of my damnb life

[nicegoodgolden-blog]

All the One Direction asks :) xx

Oh my gosh. Im about to bore everyone e to sleep. (Tagging you, @petalsharry, because you sent me in a few too!) Here we gooooo…

What Makes You Beautiful: Name three things you love about yourself.My kids(they’re part of me)…honestly, that’s it…

Gotta Be You: Talk about your crush!Crush…hmm…so besides hubs, I’m gonna go with my man Niall Horan this time. WHAT A BABE…amiright?!

One Thing: What’s one thing your dream girl/boy HAS to have?A good heart

More Than This: What’s the bravest thing you ever did?Given birth…lol, I really don’t know…

Up All Night: Talk about the craziest night of your life.Probably the night in 11th grade when I got so drunk and started throwing up so hard that I lost my shoe somehow & partied with one shoe on for the rest of the night.

I Wish: What’s your biggest dream?I’d love to be a singer

Tell Me A Lie: What was your most recent lie?I told my son that if he ate his dinner he’d get a surprise…I am not above bribery.

Taken: Talk about your last relationship.I’ve only had one relationship really…and I married him, God help him

I Want: Name three things you want in lifeGood music forever, for people to love one another, for my children to grow up happy

Everything About You: Who’s your biggest celebrity crush?Harry Styles, for this question lol

Same Mistakes: What’s your most common mistake?I stay up too late

Save You Tonight: Which three things would you save if there was a fire?Things? Computer bc it has so many important photos on it, my kids old baby blankets, clothes for my kids

Stole My Heart: Have you ever fallen for someone you shouldn’t have fallen for?Boy, have I…

Stand Up: What’s your favourite sport?Basketball

Moments: Talk about something good that recently happened to you.I got to go grocery shopping all by myself without the hubs or kids & it was so relaxing

Another World: Which fictional world would you want to live in if you could?I just wanna go to Hogwarts

Na Na Na: What’s one thing you can never say no to?Fried chicken

I Should Have Kissed You: Is there something you regret?Im about to sound so cliche…but no. I really do t regret a thing. Everything I’ve done had gotten me where I am, and I like where I am

Live While We’re Young: Talk about a childhood memory.My fav is probably spending so much time with my Nana when I was younger

Kiss You: Tell the story of your first kiss.I was 15/16, I finally convinced my older crush (who liked me too) to come to the party my friend & I had while her parents were out of town…we ended up sitting on the front porch talking about life until like 6am…I walked him out to his truck as he left & he leaned in and it just kind of happened. It was both terrible & wonderful at the same time

Little Things: Name five things you find attractive in others.Intelligence, a good heart, sense of humor, musical talent is always nice, good hair

C'Mon, C'Mon: What’s your dream destination for a good vacation?Ireland

Last First Kiss: Do you want to get married? If so, talk about your dream wedding.I am…my wedding was my dream wedding lol

Heart Attack: Are you jealous?Nah

Rock Me: List your ten favourite bands.Bands? One Direction, Jonas Brothers, Kings of Leon, Rolling Stones, Nirvana, The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, The Eagles

Change My Mind: Are you good at making final decisions or do you easily change your mind?I really don’t know…I’m really indecisive at first, but once I actually make a decision, I’m stuck with it

I Would: Name three guilty pleasures of yours.I hide some of my kids candy that they get from their grandmas house & eat it myself, I hide honeybuns so that I’ll have a stash when my husband thinks he’s eaten them all, sometimes I act like I have a bad headache so that my husband will pick up dinner on his way home from work so I don’t have to cook…in conclusion, I’m a fatass

Over Again: Talk about your first love.First love…idk if it was love…maybe it was. He was my first kiss. A wonderful guy that “got away.” He actually live a few houses down from me with his gf, lol. Damn tiny towns.

Back For You: Talk about your best friend.I miss her.

They Don’t Know About Us: Share a secret!I hate my husbands mustache

Summer Love: Talk about a summer memory.I spent a week in a beach house with my bff when I was 16/17…a good fuckin week, man

She’s Not Afraid: What’s your favourite horror film?Probably The Strangers……..“because you were home”

Loved You First: Are you a possessive person?Not too bad

Nobody Compares: Who’s your idol?No idol…but I really admire Harry Styles, wonderful human being

Still The One: What’s one thing you can’t seem to get over?RICHONNE ON TWD LIEK BITH I WAITED 5EVER FOR THAT TO HAPPEN AND IT FINALLY DID AND ILL NEVER GET OVER IT

Best Song Ever: List your ten favourite songs.Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley, Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones, all of MITAM (counts as the rest of the 10) lmao

Story Of My Life: List five things you can’t live without.Air, food, water, blood, food

Diana: What would you name your children?I’m not gonna give out my kids’ names…but if I ever have anymore, I love the names: Blythe Opal, Heslin James, Thea Rose, & Noah Silas

Midnight Memories: Talk about a dream you recently had.Last night I dreamt that Harry Styles was never a real person & he was a figment of our imaginations 🙃

You & I: Talk about your OTP.OTP within the fandom: Sophiam, I just loved them…I do love Chiam too, but Sophiam was just…wowOutside the fandom: Jack Dawson & Rose DeWitt Bukater…don’t make me elaborate because id be here typing for 8000 years

Don’t Forget Where You Belong: Where do you feel home?Anywhere that I get a certain vibe

Strong: What are your three best qualities?Um, motherhood is my best quality…my kids make me who I am. I don’t know about the other two, really…I mean, I can drink a 2liter of Dr. Pepper in one sitting & polish off a box of honeybuns in less than 24hrs…do those count?

Happily: Name three things that make you happy.My family, good music, people being nice

Right Now: Do you miss someone at the moment?Nah

Little Black Dress: How would you describe your style?Hobo-chic

Through The Dark: What helps you when you’re feeling down?My kids & music

Something Great: Where do you see yourself in ten years?Mommin’ it tf up

Little White Lies: Talk about your #1 sexual fantasy.Any sex that doesn’t involve trying to hurry before the kids bust through the door 💀

Better Than Words: Do you read fanfiction? If so, what’s your favourite fanfiction?Not a lot

Why Don’t We Go There?: Which big cities have you been to?Vegas, Houston, NOLA

Does He Know?: Would you be up for a threesome?No thanks

Alive: What’s one thing you’d never tell your “real life” friends?I really don’t know lol

Half A Heart: What’s your favourite lovestory? ( Book, film, etc. )Titanic

Steal My Girl: Did you ever steal anything?Once even I was 4 I stole Reese’s cups from the store & my mom made me go back in & apologize

Ready To Run: If you could have one super power, which would you choose?I’d fly

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?: Talk about the best concert you ever attented.Jonas Bros WYLMITE Tour. 4th row. Nick pointed & winked at me. I haven’t been the same since.

18: Do you wish you were younger or older?I’m good where I am

Girl Almighty: What makes you sexy?Lmao nuthin

Fool’s Gold: Do you fall for people quickly?I used to, yeah. I’m still quick to be infatuated though. I get attached to things/people easily

Night Changes: What’s one thing you don’t ever want to change?Good question…

No Control: Can you control your temper ?Most of the time

Fireproof: What scares you?Nothing, I’m fearless…kidding. Everything.

Spaces: Did you ever let someone go for good?Yes

Stockholm Syndrome: Name five kinks of yours.All I know is I like my hair pulled & my ass grabbed tight. Hollaaaaa

Clouds: What’s your star sign? Does your personality match it?I’m an Aquarius…is that the same as a star sign? Lmao idk

Change Your Ticket: What would you do with a million dollars?A lot of cool shit

Illusion: Do you believe in higher powers?I believe in God

Once In A Lifetime: What’s three things you want to do before you die?Meet Harry StylesHug Harry StylesMeet Harry Styles

Act My Age: Do you consider yourself mature?Sometimes…old soul, young heart

Just Can’t Let Her Go: Name five turn ons.Just be nice lmao & like good music

Phewwww…thanks babes xx