#like im better than i was at the lowest point of my life...thats like the bare minimum

[sk3l3t0n444]

im good o-O

[apathyfairy]

my whole life ive been thinking im an old soul bc everyone would tell me i was bc i was “serious” and quiet and shy as a kid and riddled with social anxiety so i was like ok. i must be then. and now im realizing im not lmao like honestly as stupid as it sounds i think that was putting pressure on me to know how to live my life and what to do all the time but now im like oh im new no wonder im afraid of absolutely everything and i cant function and everything disappoints me it’s bc i dont know whats going on. im new in town. and im incorporating that into my belief system now

[sonikkublue]

goin on here to rant so most my ppl dont see, im not that active here anyways so who cares, i sure dont. my year has dragged me to my lowest point till ive become sucidal again. i dont like thinkin abt it but its there

i want to quit. i want to quit friends, i want to quit art, i want to quit everything. everything. including my au. i want to drop dead off the internet and prob go kill myself or reflect or smth. idk, one of those is better than the other, but again i dont know. everything is always hurting and ive been so numb to everything since this year has started, its only gotten worse. my friends arent makin this any better either

im done bein used, im done getting manipulated, im done seeing ppl favor one another right in front of me, im done w/ ppl not listenin to me when i try expressin smth im struggling w/, even if it wasnt much or none at all. i dont even vent a lot or at all. why?? cuz no one ever fucking listens, gets mad at me while i try talkin, pushes my issue away w/ another topic immediately. they my friends act more excited towards the other everyone else gettin smth meanwhile i get lil to none. i recognize im not gettin appreciated as everyone else in my friend group, like they're uninterested in me anymore. that they dont care. ive tried bein positive, i cannot. my friends have offered and offered and offered for me to talk to them if im ever bothered- "u can always talk to us if smth wrong" or smth like that...ok?? last time i broke down in call, one of my friends was playin cookie run to distract themselves, so they werent even fully listening...another time i just got flat out ignored, my issue got pushed aside by another art topic, "damn". NO ONE FUCKING CARES. i already know the cycle. too many times ive lived thru it and im only enabling it by gettin vulnerable. at this point, i cant trust my own friends cuz its so hard too believe them when they keep doin the same thing to me over and over. they're trying to prove smth to me to make me think they care. i dont fucking believe it cuz no one has ever shown care back for me, regardless of how much i give to them. theres that word again. i give so fucking much, and i hate myself for bein this way. most of the time i wish my au didnt blow up cuz its put so much pressure on me like the new friends that came and left in my life, me realizing i have to maintain an audience... idk, maybe im a lost cause. i cant do any of this anymore. i want to die. i dont like thinkin it, but i want too. theres so much stress, so much unbearable stress and anger. and no one will fucking care. ive been hurt by my own friends too many times. i dont say anything cuz its just gonna happen all over again, no how many times i *try* and bring it up to them, they will not fucking listen. no one ever fucking listens to me. i didnt like makin friends from the beginning, ive loved bein alone from the start, but everything happens naturally...unfortunately

i give and give and give and i get absolutely nothing back. im all used up.

idk everything fucking sucks rn. i didnt have to worry abt all of this when i was a smaller acc and i had myself. thats all i needed. now im just miserable. im depressed, sucidal thoughts are everyday, i cry to myself everyday and night cuz of it, im stuck living w/ this thing i made out of my pure "imagination" and that same thing almost made me kill myself one time, ive almost killed myself twice a couple months back- one in my parents bathroom and almost sneakin out of my window to wander away from home.

one day im goin to leave, and im not gonna say a word

[thatone-highlighter]

I just got through the Earthlings arc during my SU rewatch and im absolutely facinated by Jaspers character

She’s such an effective antagonist for so long because she clashes with every other character so fundamentally. She’s got this completely foreign to the show worldview that is shown to be contrary to what the rest of the show is trying to say but she still feels like a real person and when you think about her she’s just as much a product of her circumstances as anyone else. She doesn’t want to talk it out with Steven because why would she? She was literally born to fight as has been doing so since the second she was born, it’s all she’s ever known and has been drilled into her head that that’s what’s expected of her, she’s rewarded for fighting well and watches as others are punished for doing badly, either by losing or by facing consequences for failing.

And then there’s the whole “perfect solider” part of her character. She was literally born more capable and with a higher status than everyone else. But because of the way home world is structured to reward her and punish people like the off-colours, she’s been indoctrinated into thinking that the reason she came out on top had nothing to do with how she was made and everything to do with her behaviour and attitude. Peak “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” type person but because it’s a fictional story you can see what happened to make her this way. Her and amethyst are fundamentally different, they’re different quartzes, they were born in different places, they were just created differently, from the start jasper was always going to be better at some things than amethyst and amethyst would be better at others than jasper. But because of the way jasper has been “raised” for lack of a better word she doesn’t see that, she doesn’t understand that her and amethyst are simply different gems who were made different, she’s better at fighting and is picture image of what a quartz “should” be so that means it’s possible and anyone who can’t live up to that standard simply isn’t trying hard enough. And she even manages to get that into amethysts head, if jasper is capable of this then that means that amethyst must be too, even tho that’s simply not true. Through no fault of her own amethyst would have to try infinitely harder to achieve even close to where jasper is, jasper started out with a huge head start and trying to play catch up does nothing but hurt amethyst. It’s such a good analogy for so many things I think

Her main role in the story is serving as a character who simply refuses to talk it out with Steven, but again, why would she? From her perspective the entire reason her life is like this, she reason shes spent her life fighting endlessly, all the suffering shes lives through, its his fault. Rose Quartz started the war she was quite literally born to fight in. Rose Quartz also ended that same war by killing the only person jasper ever had to look up to, forced her out of the only reason she had for existing (both as in to fight the war and to serve Pink Diamond). And then heres Rose Quartz once again, saying she wants to help her? Where was she offering help when jasper when she was living to fight as much as she was fighting to live? Where was this „help“ when she shattered Pink Diamond and Jaspers entire world with her? „Help“? Help my ass shes the reason everything thats gone wrong in jaspers life went wrong in the first place

And then she gets poofed at her lowest point, gets removed from the story entirely until Future, and Future does nothing to make anything better for her! Last jasper knew the person shes been seeking revenge on her entire existence cant even be bothered to remember what she did, and then she loses herself to the Earth and corruption, the very things she prided herself on being better than.

And then suddenly shes brought back and „hey guess what! That war we created you to fight in? The one you created your entire person around? The one you lost Everything in? Yeah so it was pointless. Actually the person you idolised for the past 6000 years is the same person who you thought killed her and have been seeking vengeance on for the same amount of time. Crazy how that happens. Anyways so do you wanna come hang out with us now that we sorted that out and were chill about it?“

Can you even IMAGINE what that feels like? No wonder she runs off into the woods and becomes a hermit what else is she supposed to do! Shes got nowhere to go! Her entire life has been turned on its head and she’s expected to just move on! That’s ridiculous!

And thats just the backdrop for her appearance in Future. When she finally does appear they kill her and thats the first and only time we ever see her happy. Someone Finally speaks to her in a way she can understand and she actually dies, and uses that to find herself a purpose. If steven is powerful enough to shatter her, a feat never before seen by a gem, then sure she can serve him, anything to give her life purpose again. and then they just forget about her! Steven literally ditched her in his house! They pull the rug out from under her Once Again. but now she can be „normal“ now she can do what other people want her to do so they all assume shes „better“ now.

I think future did her so dirty the original show handles her character So Well and im not really sure how else they could have gone further with her character because people like Jasper in real life dont really change. And if she were to change and agree with steven it would feel like the show saying steven was right and jasper was wrong and she should have listened to him from the start. Shes such an interesting character to delve into because shes the antagonist yes but shes a very specific type or antagonist that doesnt appear very often and when it does its not with as much backstory, even if just implied, or delving into the thoughts behind the actions. Its so interesting to me

[beetlebumeffect]

hi everyone

i might be writing this for no one to read, and it’s for no one in particular, just gonna share some things

i’ve had this tumblr for at least 6 years and it’s been an on and off relationship, mainly cause I don’t use tumblr anymore, but also because i’ve been up and down in terms of my eating habits.

life has been better since my last food rant 3 years ago. i have gained more weight, 14 kg more from my last weight in here to be exact. i’ve also gained love, a job where im appreciated, some friends that support me and love me, my own independence (i live alone now!) and my own freedom. while all of this was happening I stopped worrying about what I looked like, I actually learned to find beauty in the way I looked. when you have people around you telling you you’re beautiful all the time you start to believe it.

recently I haven’t felt so beautiful tho. i’ve felt the weight (no pun intended) of all these years in the way I looked. i’ve had some instances where i was reminded how bigger i actually got and I won’t lie, I fell into bad habits of starving to maybe, somehow, fall back into the same pattern. this did not work. i’m not the same person I was when I was at my lowest weight, because I was at my lowest emotionally too. I was 16 and depressed. I always had problems with food, unrelated to weight, so that point was just what broke the camels back. i’m 24 years old now. i’m an adult. I have a job, a boyfriend, a friend group. I have an actual life. I don’t want to spend it starving anymore.

thats why I decided to do things the right way. I’ve been having two meals a day, eating below 1000 calories daily. I eat everything I like just in smaller quantities, or replace things i used to love for things that are healthier but give me the feeling of still enjoying what i like. i’ve also been more active. i work from home so big portion of the weight i gained was from eating poorly and not moving at all during the week. so i’ve bought a bike that i use everyday and i take walks every week, at least 2/3 times a week. i started about 3 weeks ago. so far I lost 2,5 kg. i’m working towards losing 28 by the end of the year but there’s no rush. i wanted to change my habits rather than just feel like im on a diet everyday. i’m trying to heal my concept of food, my relationship with it. it’s hard sometimes when i just want to have more or just want to eat something that i know is full of calories. but i work around it. learning to eat mindfully and not because i Want to eat is what’s been helping a lot. I’m also fasting for about 18 hours a day. I have an eating window of 6 hours but I don’t eat snacks or breakfast. it’s been working well so far, but if im hungry after a meal I’ll definitely have a banana or something lol, even if its considered a snack. i’m trying to not be too strict with myself, still making calorie efficient choices but not punishing myself if i have a bit of cake at a birthday party. its hard for me, but im getting there.

anyway this turned out to be a big ramble, i guess what i want to share in here and the reason why i wanted to post it is because sometimes all you need is one person to love you right, to love you the way you deserve. someone to change your perspective on you, to show you how great you are and that you’re more than what your head tells you. i wish and pray for everyone to find that person, whoever it is, a friend, a lover, a family member. we all deserve that love and connection, it is healing, freeing.

i will try i to come in here from time to time and update or try and keep this semi active. I like having a place where im no one and i can just share my thoughts freely.

if someone actually read all of this, thank you! i hope you wish me luck on my journey and I wish you all the best on yours, wherever you are in it.

[problemnyatic]

how do you move on from something terrible you may have done while you were at the lowest point youd ever been in your life? how do you forgive yourself when closure is not an option? i want to apologize to them but i cant. i cant contact them ever and i cant even remember what i did, only guess with that memory is left to me. and there might be a part of me thats still too bitter to apologize. they talk so much about love but when i was bleeding on the floor they kicked me before they left, they talked shit behind my back while i was out of it and delusional and unable to explain anything. and now ive heard they talk about healing from Me. they never brought up a single thing about my behaviour until they told me to get fucked then told me my communication is shit and that im a hypocrite. i had no clue id done anything wrong until they abandoned me. what am i even supposed to do in a situation like this

I... worry that it will become a pattern that folks come to me expecting me to solve their deeply tangled emotional knots. While I have the ability to, it takes a lot to even receive an ask like this, let alone to answer it adequately. I am not a therapist, I am simply getting a good grade in therapy. I will answer this one, but please, folks, I have less energy to spare than it may seem. I can't save all of you individually.

With that said..

I've done terrible things in the past that I'd take back in a second. I've had moments where I know others came away hurt, but I'll never know if I could've done better in the moment, if it was truly my own failing that was the key factor at play.

The ambiguous ones are harder.

Ultimately, you will need to learn for yourself how to make peace with the past. It cannot be changed. And it seems that in your case, you've taken disproportionate and inhumane punishment for whatever your infractions may have been.

When we carry the past on our shoulders, agonizing on what the "right" way to feel about it is, we keep ourselves from moving forward, from growing. Regardless of how much, and of what, was your fault, it seems the best path is to let go and move on.

It's never gonna feel good.

But the best you can do by those you have wronged is to grow, and that means leaving your regrets die and decompose to fertilze the soil you grow from. Move forward with stronger boundaries, moving more slowly, mindfully of others. Understand your limits, and be forthright with them - even if they feel shameful, the right people would be glad to have the heads up, rather than have to pry them from hiding or worse- hit them like a landmine.

And ultimately? If you were never told you needed to change until they'd already burned the bridge? That's on them. Even if you'd been doing wrong by them, even if you'd secretly been a horrible friend, expecting someone to read minds and simply Realize They're Fucking Up without ever being actually told is petty, avoidant bullshit.

The right friends know when to tell you to fuck off before real damage is done.

Take a deep breath, and as you let it out, slowly, let the past flow out with it. There's nothing to be salvaged back there, but the future can be, the present can be.

I'm sorry you went through this, and good luck going forward♡

[luxeberries]

so, steve harrington in season 1, also known as king steve. we dont get to see a lot of him and the fandom is pretty undecided in who king steve is, by which i mean, just how much of a piece of shit was king steve? all interpretations are valid, and he's fun to play around with, but i always think, like. rewatching s1, he's just...not that bad. his potential to be a dick and him actively being a dick are two very different things. he has the potential, but we only see him actively being a dick when he's at his lowest point (and when it's justified).

so. i think steve's reputation as 'that douchebag steve harrington' (thank you lucas) is best summed up by this interaction:

warning: this is going to be very long and rambly bc thats just my *waves vaguely at my brain and whatever is wrong with it* taking the reins and nosediving into a pit. so here's a readmore cut. consider reading more.

its kind of hard because s1 steve has a lot going on before we even meet him. like. okay so:

option 1: nancy is the reason steve becomes a better person, as proven by tommy saying nancy turned steve 'into a little pussy'.

this would mean that as of episode one, steve is in the sort of middle of his arc. he already knows nancy and already cares for her (more than other girls he's been with), and is therefore already trying to be better. meaning the steve we are seeing in episode one isn't the king steve that tommy knows, that steve used to be a worse person before nancy came into his life.

but then we have-

option 2: the steve we meet in episode one is how steve has always been.

and by that i mean:

throughout the season, whenever tommy and carol are talking shit or acting like assholes, steve either half-heartedly tells them to shut up or he just laughs awkwardly. he never participates. he's just kind of there while tommy and carol mock and tease people.

when carol is talking about how she told her teacher to blow her or whatever that cringe shit was, steve calls bullshit and stays quiet while tommy laughs and he and carol continue dunking on this poor teacher. steve doesn't laugh with them and he isn't even smiling.

as far as i remember, the only time steve participates in a conversation like that is when jonathan is pinning missing posters up. carol says 'oh god. look' in this disgusted tone and she and tommy proceed to talk shit about jonathan, but all steve says is 'oh god, that's depressing' in a tone that could definitely be mocking, but also isnt, really? like hes picking at the fact its jonathan byers and that he's putting up posters for his little brother, who steve's friends seem to think is definitely dead because it's that family. but the way steve says it is like. like its so neutral but i just know there's something in there that's mocking. like he thinks its a pathetic sight. but his tone isn't nearly as disgusted as carol's is and he tells tommy to shut up after he says jonathan killed will.

steve never talks shit, but is that because of option 1 or option 2?

like. we know steve can be bitchy if he wants to be. the first thing he does when robin says she has a crush on tammy thompson is mock her singing and her dreams about going to nashville or whatever, but the thing with that is he was doing it to make robin laugh. making fun of tammy wasn't really about making fun of tammy, it was about making robin feel safe.

so, our boy can talk shit, but he chooses not to.

now, if it was because of nancy, im not gonna lie, i think it would be as simple as showing steve glance at nancy as if checking for her reaction before scolding his friends, but he never does.

so that brings us to option 2. (the one I personally subscribe to)

tommy and carol never call steve out when he scolds them. they dont think it's weird at all, implying this must be a pretty normal reaction for steve to have. maybe they read it as a light-hearted 'shut up, man' when, really, it's steve's weak, half-hearted attempt at getting them to stop before they go too far.

i'm not saying that steve wasn't a bad person- he was. like, half of the characters have said so. im not gonna lie, though, the only character's opinion about King Steve i really care for is robin's. lucas and the kids know steve sucks, but they're in middle school at that point and they probably only know steve through rumours. and eddie is...well its weird actually because eddie talks like he didn't actually know steve? as if eddie wouldn't know just how much of a douchebag king steve really is. so I'm ignoring that.

so robin. her main complaint about steve was that he never noticed her in the two days a week for a year that she sat behind him in class. she says she didn't understand why tammy liked him so much because 'you asked dumb questions, got bagel crumbs all over the floor and you were a douchebag'. she never elaborates on why he was a douchebag but i took this to mean steve only cared about himself and his clique so he kept his back turned to robin buckley for a whole year.

steve keeps his back turned to a lot of things, actually. tommy kind of says it himself in a line i think is strange: 'run away, just like you always do'. because when has steve ever ran away before this point? steve doesn't run, steve avoids.

he doesn't participate in this conversation:

he can't even look at jonathan after he broke his camera:

when tommy is graffitiing he just stands to the side:

and later, he says:

and tommy says,

and it just!!! sums King Steve up so fucking well!!!

steve is a douchebag, but not because he actively hurts people, but because he passively allows his friends to. because he was too wrapped up in the bullshit of the high school social hierachy and his reputation. 'because tommy h would have made fun of me or i wouldn't have been prom king'.

in this scene:

[id: a video of steve, nancy, tommy, carol, and barb in the school hallway. steve snatches flash cards from barb's hands without looking at her. as tommy h walks past barb, he jams his finger in her ear. barb cringes and rubs her ear. end id]

not only does steve straight up not see tommy messing with barb, but it's also like he doesn't even notice barb is there, even when he's snatching the flash cards from her hands. like, its interesting. because this action comes off as steve teasing nancy, like..when you snatch book from someone and raise it out of their reach in a fun friendly way. but he doesn't take the cards from nancy, he takes them from barb. and it's like he doesn't realise. it's like for all he cares he snatched those cards from nancy's bag or something. he doesn't fucking look at barb! he doesn't care about barb! he's focused on nancy and his friends, barb may as well not even be there!

in less than five seconds, steve and tommy just made barb feel like shit, and steve doesn't even fucking realise. but tommy does, because tommy did it on purpose.

steve doesn't notice tommy sticking his finger in barb's ear, he doesn't care enough about jonathan to actually call tommy out on what he said, he doesn't care enough about carol's fucking teacher to say 'hey, carol, what the hell was that even for?', he doesn't care enough about barb to make sure she's okay when she slices her hand, he doesn't care enough about anyone in miss click's class to turn around and chat with robin buckley.

actually no i take that back because if steve has proved anything about himself it's that he cares so much. no its more like:

he doesn't notice tommy sticking his finger in barb's ear because he's too busy reassuring nancy and inviting her to the party because he likes nancy and wants her there.

he doesn't call out tommy any further than telling him to shut up because properly calling him out would mean risking their friendship and his reputation as King Steve and steve cares too much about both of those things. the same goes for carol's thing.

he doesn't make sure barb is okay when she slices her hand, but he does keep an eye on her while she heads inside until he's distracted by his friends and the girl he has a crush on.

he doesn't talk to robin buckley because he's too busy asking 'dumb questions' because he wants to better understand the class because we all know he's bad at academics. and, to be fair, he was also probably to busy chatting to other people 'worth his time', I once again reference 'because tommy h would have made fun of me'.

he is hurting people but not intentionally like his friends do. he's just so wrapped up in his own bullshit that he let's things slide so he doesn't have to confront the issue and lose his standing as King. unlike his friends, steve doesn't enjoy hurting people.

when steve breaks jonathan's camera, its because jonathan spied on steve and his friends and took multiple photos of nancy in a private moment. jonathan was creepy, steve got (rightfully) pissed off, and smashed the camera. and it's so clear on his face that he doesn't feel good about doing it. tommy, carol and nicole are entertained by it, they laugh. but steve's face is hard-set and he looks away from jonathan, eyes unfocused. like he can't even face the damage he caused, like he doesn't want to see jonathan's defeated expression. he closes himself off the second the camera hits the ground and he immediately leaves. and while his back is turned, tommy and carol linger behind and bully jonathan some more because its fun for them.

when steve picks that fight with jonathan later on, steve is at the lowest we've seen him, probably the lowest he's ever been. the first girl he's ever truly cared about has (as far as he knows) cheated on him with jonathan byers, then she slapped steve (which, btw, tommy looked entertained at), humbled him in front of his friends? that's fucking mortifying, that's a serious hit to his reputation. this is King Steve! untouchable, girls love him, would never dream of cheating on him, King of Hawkins' High, Steve Harrington.

but, actually, did steve care? no. his friends seem to care more about that than steve does. steve was angry and upset but it was implied to be tommy's idea to graffiti the theatre and steve just didn't tell him to stop. it's tommy who publicly humiliates nancy, while steve keeps the actual fight between him and nancy (and his friends because they were there).

in this moment, steve doesn't care about his reputation. he just feels betrayed, he's angry at himself for worrying about nancy and he looks a second away from crying and it breaks my fucking heart!

so then why does he provoke jonathan? is it an attempt at saving his dignity after being cheated on with jonathan byers, creepy loner guy? is it because tommy would have mocked him for letting him go without a fight?

because the second before that first shove, steve seems to make a decision. he sweeps up his hair and squares his shoulders, as if putting on that King Steve persona, closes himself off again just like after breaking the camera. his voice is steady when he throws out those insults, which is something he's never done up until this point - steve doesn't talk shit, we've established that, but the shit he says is cruel. he digs at sore spots he might not even realise he's digging at, he says 'but the byers? their family, it's a disgrace to the entire-'. and it sounds parroted, like something his parents have said before because they definitely talk shit like that. it doesn't sound like his words, he might not even really mean it, he just wants to get under jonathan's skin and by God does it work.

but he doesn't enjoy the fight like the others do, he doesn't enjoy seeing 'nancy the slut wheeler' scrawled across the theatre marquee, he doesn't enjoy making fun of people.

steve only does those things when he's at his lowest point. he tells nancy to go to hell, he provokes jonathan into a fight, he shouts at carol and finally fucking calls them out on their bullshit because they're insulting nancy and, by extension, steve, because they don't realise that steve genuinely cares about nancy. they don't get it because they don't care about anyone but themselves and neither did steve, until nancy. nancy, who despite being the perfect girl, still doesn't match up to C+T's standards. ('maybe because tommy h would have made fun of me', steve said about dating a girl like robin).

maybe nancy was the catalyst to his redemption arc, or maybe over the years he just grew tired and sad and started to change his ways because -

the steve we know is so caring and good and sweet and protective and he laughs and jokes with his friends apologises when he crosses the line and he constantly puts himself in danger to keep the others safe and maybe he was always like that but just never got a chance to be like that because of the environment he was in like we know his dad at least is an asshole and they don't get along at all and tommy and carol are mean and miserable for no reason and they're not fun to be around but then he met nancy, sweet compassionate nancy and he could be himself around her he could be sweet and charming and call her beautiful and keep his hand on her knee and then it all fucks up and he thinks 'i cant believe I actually worried about her' because this is what happens!!!! he loves people so much and they constantly disappoint him!!! and then he stands by as his friends call her a slut in writing and he picks a fight and then his friends don't even fucking realise that he's genuinely upset and he genuinely feels betrayed and they're making it worse because they're fucking joking about it and he leaves and he goes to Jonathan byers fucking house to apologise!! he's apologising to the guy who his girlfriend cheated with because he insulted his family and that's not who he really is and he bought him a new fucking camera because the second he broke it he felt horrible it's like all it took for steve to finally snap was nancy and jonathan's sad little faces and I just fucking!!!! i get why people like stoncy now!!!! FUCK!!!!

fuck I just

steve!!!!! fucking harrington!!!!

sorry!!! to sum up!!!!

King Steve was dick because he was too obsessed with being King Steve, being popular, being prom king. i don't think he was ever really a bully or a particularly mean person. i do think he was rude and i think he might have snarked at teachers and i reckon if someone ever insulted him or Tommy he wouldn't hesitate to spit venom at them. i like to play with the idea that he was the guy shoving kids into lockers but i can't really imagine he was ever that cruel. steve is a ridiculously good person and i think he isn't capable of the bullying his friends participate in. i mean the look on his face when he breaks jonathan's camera is just... ugh. anyway.

I'm going in circles now. i love Steve so much. that's it.



[queenferretofthewoods]

TW: Venting, suicide, self harm, bullying.

So i gotta be real with me for a minute, like i hold stuff back even from those who i know are there to hear about my problems and are ready to help me if i ever needed too, but i was raised as a "Help yourself" kinda kid, my mom used to beat me and stuff, it was the bread of every day back then, but i was also bullied and often made fun of by other kids for whom i was, though it would go away with time but it only got worse.

I got to the point where i had to move schools after numerous times of me not wanting to go to school and telling my mom i was being bullied wich obiously she just said "kids are like this just man-up"

who says something like that to a kid?, after all of that i suppose i got a little bit of trauma to even be me since, fear to get bullied again, made fun of, and to be a victim.

but my mom didnt even helped when i needed to and only got me worse, after a time i was a "quiet kid", and i didnt mind it i grew up being all alone and stuff, still i was still talking with some kids but mostly i keeped to myself drawing away my time, but still hearing what sorounded me, how kid think that i would be the first to go, or the kind of kid that would bring a knife and cut himself, i just didnt told nobody and moved on, on high school i was cut off everyone else, the tenage hormones making their precense didnt helped me get throu but still i somehow survived more exclucion and detachment from others kids and still got called names, i was 12 and was considering to jump off the 3rd floor of my building and still i was surviving somehow.

I belive that i was just going throu some bad situations, and stuff would get better, than my loneliness would go away and could make friends and stuff, but i graduated sitted alone, my group had planed ahead to got me in the spot where i wouldnt even be with someone from other group, and i wasnt holding it during that day i got mad like i never had i feel before, i just wanted to cry my eyes out, die on the spot, i was loosing my shit, my mom saw me on the edge of crying and all she got to say was "boys dont cry", that stuck in my head for a whille, she never in her life had been there for me, in my lowest momments she just mocked me, was petty and i didnt wanted a solution to my problems anymore i wanted payback, thats where my relation with my mom finally got broken, started refering to her by her name, refused to do stuff, and just a couple of years ago, got me paying my self for my own stuff, i got my own apartment, lost a couple of years before i could get into a university, i started to feel more comfortable with my self, got a Bf and discovered my self in the procces, but the ideas where still hanging on the back of my mind, hurting my self, ending it, i consider it a couple of times, but told my self i couldnt do it, that i would hurt my Bf at the time....

We broke up shortly after i got into university, my mom suddently appeared in my life again, called me names, got fired from my job, and struggle with money for a month.

but i was fine i was.....i never been fine, i told my self i never be a victim, that i would never be made fun of again, that i would end my loneliness, and in the procces i got my self cut apart from everyone else, i though i had it all pulled togheter but i was merely blinded and i was never fine, i was holding by a thread, i alway denied my own fellings, this sadness this anger and this depression, all the ideas i had scratched for fear to get judged, and became shy to even try to ask for help, and i want to be done with that i want solutions, my iner child is asking for me to be free, this dome i put around him to protect him must be lifted break this self deprication and to ask for the help i need

To my past self i want to say im sorry, i should have be me from the start, i should have accepted to be the weird and happy child i wanted to be, to my new self i want you to learn to accept that mistakes are there to be enbraced not to be feared and that only from them you can get better at what you want and to dont give yourself up because it didnt worked the firts time

[chappedlipjournal]

Ive also been dealing with some of the most intense urges ive had in a while the last few months and idk why. I thought it was pms for a bit and that can fuck with me but im not sure thats what it is. I just feel like everything would be better if i give in and cut. I could do it. And i know exactly where i would do it and how many. And fuck. Even just thinking about it makes me giddy. Thats not quite right. But sometimes if i picture it vividly enough i can get that same sort of high. And i want it. I want to sit against my bathtub and slice up my wrists. I want to sit there until it hurts and everytime i flex my hands i feel it. I want to feel the sting of a new blade one that goes deeper than you think and it slices so clean you almost dont feel it until it fucking stings. I want to trace over all my scars until they are scabs again. I want to stand in the shower and watch the water run pink. I want i want i want.

But i wont. Because i havent cut since my senior year of high school. And its been like 7 years. Thats too many. I cant give that up. But i also feel like im one domino away from falling off the edge. Genuinely. One really bad situation in my life and im there.

They say relapsing doesnt negate all of the progress you have made but if its been so long, it kind of does. The counter restarts. I wont be seven years clean i will be zero days clean and that feels bad.

Theres just a little voice in my head that says what if what if what if. I think its just plain old curiosity at this point. At least some of it is.

A song came on my shuffle the other day. One that associate with the lowest point of my life. And i wasnt expecting it and i just broke down in the car. My breath caught immediately and i was sobbing.

Ive genuinely been triggered like if i move right now i will find a blade triggered. And i hate it. I dont think i will ever stop missing it.

[virmillion]

pulled a 76 on my math exam 😌 who’s ready for another breakdown 🤗

[inkdemonapologist]

scribbles from Session 2 of the current Bendy Call of Cthulhu game, where everyone’s having a normal one!!!

After an actually very pleasant evening meal (there was cake!), things got weird fast,

Joey started “talking to himself” in his empty hotel room but got evasive and weird and physically shoved everyone out when the others went to demand an explanation 

Sammy tried to sleepwalk into traffic, completely entranced by Those Weird Symbols which apparently “feel like ink,” and got real Prophety for a bit when the others woke him up

Joey got him to chill out by calling after him in two voices at once (?!?!?)

After Sammy finally came to his sense and we all went back to get a little sleep, Joey finally showed us why he’s been so intent on wearing a hat everywhere lately and explained that hE IS POSSESSED BY BENDY CURRENTLY, so that Bendy could get some help remaining stable and come on the trip with us, WHICH IS, FINE. Just let eldritch horrors possess your mortal form that’s fine. Also Bendy needs a regular supply of ink to remain stable, so Joey’s been drinking ink, which is, also fine,

Anyway here’s some contextless quotes under the readmore:

[Sammy is played by me, Joey is played by Boo (inkyvendingmachine), Henry is played by Maf (inkcryptid), Jack is played by Mochi (whatyouwantedmetosee)and Thren (haunted-hijinxer) is our GM!]

[Sammy] So yeah, if you roll under a 5 on a d100, then Jack has SOMEHOW seen this occult symbol before. [Jack] Y'know, I'm gonna roll, just because it'd be REALLY funny if he succeeded. [Henry] Yeah! You can do it, Jack! [Jack] oH MY GOODNESS [Sammy]....what did you roll, [Jack] I roLLED A FOUR,,, [Sammy] Jack I JUST told you not to look at symbols what are you DOING

[Jack] He just used to have an ex who was really into the occult, it's fine -- [Sammy] (his name is Joey Drew,)

[GM] The location of the body is about 30 feet from the nearest building. [Sammy] Ah. So he fell out of the SKY. [GM] Unless he was a very impressive long jumper!

[Joey] Joey did not get candles because it seemed... a bit unfortunate that Bendy was not able to join us -- [Sammy] Sammy doesn't care. [Joey] -- but we can still celebrate -- [Sammy] He's here for cake.

[GM] Is everybody drinking responsibly this time? [Henry] Well Henry's not stuffing four drinks down himself if that's what you're asking!!

[Sammy] There's gotta be at least ONE nice thing about this trip. [Sammy] And it's this cake. That's it.

[Henry] Henry might try to get that book from Joey -- [Joey] Which book? [Henry] The yellow symbol one. [Joey] Um, Joey's gonna hold onto the one with the weird symbol on the cover, because he hasn't had a chance to cover up the symbol and he wants to do that first, but if Henry wants to look at Alice in Wonderland, he can have that one! [Henry] ...maybe tomorrow. [Joey] Joey seems ofFENDED at this.

[Sammy] That's the best roll I'll ever have in this entire scenario. [Henry] Sammy's listening very hard. [Sammy] Sammy's trying to sleep, therefore he hears Every Noise.

[Joey] It was the first night that Joey took Jack out to a dinner to kind of, y'know, spoil him, [Joey] a Thanks For Not Being Super Weird About Our Occult Stuff And Sorry You Got Dragged Into This dinner,

[Sammy] Sammy's not TRYING to be handsome, he's just accidentally really hot.

[Joey, the lowest physical stats of the whole group] He's going to more desperately try to just like, shove them out the door I guess!!! [Sammy, the highest physical stats of the whole group] Yeah! Give that a shot! SEE HOW THAT GOES

[GM] Henry swears he saw a third hand shoving Sammy out the door. [Henry] *uncertain* ......we know how many hands Joey has, right?

[Sammy] I was going to suggest that he's possessed, but... that's not a symptom I'm familiar with. [Henry] I'm pretty sure I didn't get extra limbs last time. [GM] (He just THOUGHT he did!) [Henry] (Well, he thought he was three whole people.) [Joey] (THATS SO MANY LIMBS!!)

[Sammy] I want an explanation. [Joey] *innocently* For what? [Sammy] The list grows longer!

[Henry] You know what happened last time you hid stuff from us, Joey... please... try to be smart, [Sammy] .............. (we know it's hard for you,)

[Sammy, explaining to Jack] ...I mentioned dying, in Haiti, [Henry] Oh, we're going into this, then, okay-- [Sammy] *muttering* You’re the one who brought up being possessed, [Sammy] Joey and I were possessing Henry for a significant portion of the trip. [Henry] For longer than the trip itself! [Sammy] well i wasn't going to go into THAT, [Henry] Well I-- uh-- I-- ...I should shush.

[Jack] So what do I have to roll to see how well Jack processes this? [Joey] How many nightmares do you have tonight? [GM] *cheerfully opening Weird Dream files* At least one!

[GM] You could make a Brawl check to hold on, if you're trying to make sure Sammy doesn't walk away from you. [Sammy] Brawl Check: Just Deck 'Im. [Henry] Henry will try! [Sammy] ....he's gonna try to deck him????

[GM] I feel like this might apply to the Charm skill, because you're a good... cajoler of Sammies, [Jack] *laughing* I'm actually SLIGHTLY BETTER at Persuade, because I'm down to 69 Charm for the joke!!

[Joey] But Joey's going to say it with two voices at once. [Sammy] HMMMMMMMMMMM,,, [Henry] eXCUSE ME? [Jack] Is Jack the only one here who doesn't have someone else in his head?! [Henry] Well Henry doesn't currently, [Jack] Give him five minutes.

[Joey] I think Joey's actually probably going to crack open that book now. [Jack] I honestly thought you were going to say "a drink" [Jack] Crack open a cold one with the son boy

[Jack] Jack is going to do all of the motions of going to bed except for the one part that's the most important.

[Sammy] The rest of us will go down and meet with Peter. [Sammy] Oh -- no, just realised, Sammy would call him "Pete" because he doesn't know that nicknames aren't transitive.

[Sammy] What IS it with people in masks??? [GM] ..................says Sammy,

[Sammy] All we've learned is that Trenchcoat Guy is super suspicious! Big shocker, I know.

[Jack] Jack is going to respond with a very eloquent, "UHHHHH,,,,"

[GM] You probably would get a Bendy voice popping up at that point saying "Joey's not actually drinking it, I am!" [Henry] Oh, hey Bendy. [GM] He maybe borrows a hand to wave. [Henry] (HOW'S IT FEEL, JOEY!!!!)

[Jack] I also had a hunch about the horns once it became more apparent that Joey was very specifically trying to keep a hat on all the time. [Jack] But very briefly, when he was like "and he takes his hat off to reveal--" my brain was like, what if it isn't horns, what if there's just a very small Lurker, [Sammy] Just pulling on his hair like Ratatouille,

[GM] Jack is pretty sure that whoever wrote this play wrote it to induce paranoia and mental distress. It seems baked in. [Henry] Well it's working on Henry! Henry wants to go home!

[Jack] #JustWorkingAtJDSThings

[GM] Make some sort of persuade-type roll! [Sammy] My... my only one is Intimidate, so that's what I'm using! [Jack] oH BOY [Jack] what do I roll to stop Sammy from whatever he's about to say?!

[Jack] Everyone else better be on their best behaviour! [Joey] Joey puts away his lockpicks for now.

[GM] You do see a microfilm machine, which is quite large at this point in time, [Jack] Not very micro, then,

[Jack] See if his Prophet senses are tingling! [Sammy] THATS THE OTHER GUY

[GM] It's kind of remarkable how little there is that talks about this guy's personal life in his desk! [Joey] There's no, like, locked drawers or anything? [Jack] No copy of his autobiography, talking about how gay he is?

[Jack] He's not going to mess with things. He's a polite boy. [Sammy] The rude boys have left the building. [GM] Only polite boys left!

[GM] It surely would never happen again! [Jack] One-of-a-kind, one-time-only, completely exclusive, if you didn't go you'll never get the fancy new shirt, [Jack] Hashtag I Was At The Cult Police Raid And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt And Put In An Asylum

[Sammy] Well, now we can have some new trauma! We've had time to process this trauma, we're ready for more; that's how it works, right? [GM] That's good, because you need to roll Sanity checks for those dreams!

[repulsivechameleon]

Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

i haven’t posted in a while so here’s a basic description of the past couple months (tw self harm)

my mental health declined to the lowest point its ever been, i was self harming on a daily basis and my suicidal ideation was getting more powerful until i finally broke and i ended up hospitalized two days into the school year.

i spent two weeks in a mental hospital. there were only 8 patients on the unit so we all got really close. it sucked and it was difficult but i learned a lot there and accepted the help i was being offered. when i got home from the hospital, i spent the rest of the week home from school to recover emotionally.

finally, i went back to school and with the help of the bridge program, i went back to a couple of my classes. school was stressful and my depression was escalating again but i stayed distracted. after only two weeks, i was out of school again for a different reason.

i got my tonsils out. after years of recurring strep throat (like, every month) i got a tonsillectomy. i am currently one week post op and im still in severe pain. this surgery recovery has been a huge challenge and setback for my mental health recovery. ive been in nonstop physical agony, while being isolated with my emotionally abusive grandmother.

on the bright side. i am one month and 8 days clean from self harm. today i came dangerously close to relapsing but i called a friend and was able to get myself out of the situation. my father has been treating me better than he has in years, my mom is back in my life and my little sister and i have even been getting along. my boyfriend and i, although we have disagreements and insecurities, have a healthy and loving relationship that i couldn’t be happier in.

i doubt anyone’s going to read this but i want to say that things get better. it takes a lot of fucking work, and trust me i know thats not what you want to hear because i denied it for years but it is worth it. each day i get a little farther from rock bottom. that doesnt mean that i wont slip, but i will try my best.

by changing my patterns one day, one hour, sometimes one fucking second at a time i am recovering. my dms are always open to anyone who needs to talk.

10-18-2021

[khuzena]

I love you to the moon and back

Ff xiao

your pov.

Tw. Double suicide, depression, angst, fluff at end,

"Babe, i just want to talk about something."

"Huh? What is it?" xiao questions you

"I.. You always go on adventures with traveler but not me, im not jealous but can we please spend sometime together? You always ignore me..." you say as you pout

"Im busy ok." he scoffs at you

" But babe can you atleast tell me where you're going sometimes? You're making me worry..."

You reach out to his hand but he slaps your hand away from him.

"I don't need your permission. I help the traveler with their adventures because they're stronger and better than you."

He glares at you with the scariest and coldest glare ever.

You feel fear rush all over you.

'why traveler? why not me? im your lover xiao' those flood all over you

As xiao looks away from you, you feel the tears prickling down your cheeks. These tears make you feel like it's burning your skin. It's painful. Why?!? Why?!? What did I do wrong?

Xiao just ignores your cries and before he left the room he said

"You really thought I loved you? I fucking hate you annoying little shit always clinging onto me"

You couldn't help but cry even more when xiao just abandoned you alone in your room.

The floors were becoming tearstained and the walls were echoing with your cries.

The pain is so overwhelming that you can't even move your limbs.

_______

After a week that fight happened between you two, Xiao just ignores you. It's like you never existed to him. And you, still dwelling on that painful memory. Everything hurts. You wanted to end it all.. But you didn't want to give up yet, you always tried to talk him but he doesn't even look your way.

what did i ever do wrong?

Ah yes.

Traveler chitchatting with him. The expression on his face... I've never seen that happy look on him. I envy traveler.

'if only i was like them?'

'i wish i wasn't like this'

Days went on and traveler and xiao have fun together while you are here just suffering

You run away but you can't stop remembering his face with the traveler.

Everything reminds me of him...

...

You grip hard on the pen as you write your farewell letter.

The letter is already wet from the tears even though you just wrote the

'dear xiao,'

It hurts knowing that you'll finally leave him and this world. This was your decision, remember? He was the only reason that made you move forward no matter what the situation. You wanted to live for yourself and for him. Now that he's left your grasp, you have nothing left. Yes, you do have many friends and wealth but at what cost?

Your life feels dull and gloomy.

'it hurts so much to write everything i feel on this letter but it's better than letting it in forever in my heart'

As many seconds, hours and days go by, you've finally finished the letter. You brought yourself to finally finish it. Even though it was merely a letter, it was like a way of freeing these hurtful emotions inside. It took you a week to finish it.

Not because you were busy or anything but it was because it just hurt knowing you'll finally do it.

It.

The word 'it' maybe a simple and short word but it has many meanings. By the it that you would do. It's the depressing one.

You'll finally let go of everything

I just, want to say goodbye for the very last time

________________

Xiao pov.

I was so irritated by them whining for your attention that it made something inside you awaken.

Anger.

I just wanted them stop blabbering about shit.

"You really thought I loved you? I fucking hate you annoying little shit always clinging onto me"

You really lost it. Huh?

I try to look away from them and they're crying...

I.... Did this?!?

I glance back at them as they're just facing the floor and letting the tears run from their face to the floor.

...

I can feel it.

The karmic bonds again...

I feel so ashamed...

Why?????

I dont want to see you cry again..

My body froze for a minute until I walk at the door and close it behind me...

What have I done?!?

Im so sorry y/n...

_______

After a week that fight happened between you two, I just feel so ashamed to look at them again. To the point that I ignore them and give them the cold shoulder. I keep on dwelling on that stupid painful memory... Why can't I stop seeing her face everywhere?

As I lay my body on the railings, I notice traveler coming up to my direction.

"Hey xiao I was jusy wondering if you're ok... You look kinda sad today... You can take a break for a while from adventuring with me."

Traveler's face looks so emphatic. Like how y/n's face when they see me suffering from my karmic bonds again.

"nothing's wrong." i say to the traveler

'that's a lie. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!'

Why? Why do i keep seeing and remembering that tear stained face that day when we fought?

I just want to forget it.

"Huh? You really don't look okay."

...

"*sigh* Fine. Something happened between me and y/n. I can't get it off my chest and whenever I see those dull and teary eyes, it makes me feel like crying and when I do, it stings... It hurts traveler"

im so weak for letting traveler see this side of me. i should've held it in. but i can't.

"no... It's okay xiao, tell me about it.. Im always here for you, okay?"

When I hear crying, I always her their crying and begging for me to stay.

Everything reminds me of them...

...

I told traveler the situation and they look disheartened.

They're already giving me help on how to bring back me and y/n's relationship back.

While we think about what to do for an apology, traveler gave me an idea on how to apologise to y/n. They said that I should say something to them.

Like sorry and I love yous

But all I want right now is their warmth.

If only, I didn't lose my cool.

None of this would've happened.

I don't want them to really leave me. I want y/n to stay with me. I really fucking love them but I freeze whenever I think about facing them again. It feels shameful to face someone and apologise rgiht in front of them, even though I've done terrible things to them

' * **** *** ** *** **** *** ****'

Yes. Thats what i should tell them.

I don't want to let go of y/n, they're my everything

I just, want to apologise and be with them again

______

your pov.

You couldn't face him.

You can't bring your self to say that you're thankful for everything and you're ready to end yourself.

Xiao was always with me even when i was young, he was there to always love and take care of me. So i took care of him as well when he was at his lowest because of the karmic bonds and conflicts.

Who knew it would end like this?

You slip the letter at the side of the balcony where xiao sits, hoping that he takes it and reads it.

After that, you go to the place where it all started,

The cliff at the mountains of qingyun peak.

_____________

Xiao pov.

As i mustered up the strength to face them directly thanks to traveler, I go to the balcony first to calm myself down first.

As I lay my self at the balcony sides, i notice a letter on the sides.

Huh? A letter at the balcony?

This is unusual.

It's wet from tears. Nonetheless, it's just a small letter for someone who i dont care about.

Wait.. What?

To me??

As i open the letter, I was horrified from its contents.

P1/2

[surveysonfleek]

1599.

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? i would say my partner  but if im honest, my parents are probably more influential to me than him At what age do you feel like you grew up mentally/emotionally? there was no one time but i think probably around 25? sounds a bit late but i basically realized my worth as a person Do you have any brothers? no Are you currently happy? im not 100% happy but definitely not dissatisfied with my life Who did you talk on the phone with last night? i was facetiming w my fiance

Is anything bugging you right now? kinda Who is the last person you missed a call from? i got 4 missed calls today all from spam callers. no one left a voicemail What annoys you most in a person? someone who tries too hard and isnt down for a civil discussion if our opinions dont align. also know it alls Have you changed this year? not that much if im honest What are you listening to right now? im watching love island while doing this Are you talking to anyone tonight? nope Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? haha sometimes, just human nature to expect the worst Whose bed did you sleep in last that wasn’t yours? my fiance’s Are you a really understanding person? yes, im very empathetic  How many hours of sleep did you get last night? around 8 How many pillows do you like to sleep with? 4 Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? yes, i always wake up to pee lol How are you feeling lately? not bad, not good How do you wear your hair most of the time? down or ponytail. no in between Think back to the end of last school year, who did you have feelings for? hahaha like 10 years ago? i still remember who it was In a relationship, do you think about the future, or now? tbh i didnt think much about the future until now Think back to the last person you kissed, did that person ever give you a piggy back ride? yes Did you see your best friend today? no :( Are you dating the last person you talked to? yes Are you close to your father? yes Have you ever broken someone’s heart? i dont think so Where did you go today? nowhere. i worked from home Where are you located right now? in my bedroom What’s between you and the last person you texted? hes an extrovert and im an introvert  Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? not really, that would be hard What was the last piece of furniture you purchased? a camping chair. technically furniture right? Have you ever broken up with someone for a reason other than lack of feelings (ex. moving away, etc.)? no Has anyone ever told you that you are too picky when it comes to the people you date? What about not picky enough? hmm not at all, ive been with the same person forever When was the last time you went to a bar? haha more than 3 months ago What three things would you change about your life? money situation, better health and happiness Was there anything unusual or unique about your birth? tbh no. oh they spelt my name wrong on the cradle thing they put newborns in. luckily not on the birth certificate What has happened in the past week that is worth remembering in five years? our loan got officially approved for land How much of your day did you spend completely alone? like 90% What was the best conversation you’ve had recently? i havent had many lately (sadly) What is the next book you are going to read? no idea, my kindly is dead lol i havent had the time to sit and read Describe the hardest decision you have ever made. not sure Why did you last see the doctor? covid vaccine Post a recent picture of yourself. nah How do you spend the majority of your free time? watching netflix lol What do you want to accomplish tomorrow? nothing, just working :( List the cards in your wallet. i dont have much. licence, savings card, private health card, flybuys anddddd i think thats it? What was the last thing to inspire you? those crazy tiktok weight loss videos Who was the last person to do something nice for you? my fiance What was the lowest point of this year? The highest? lowest point, im the heaviest ive ever been. highest, i got engaged and bought land to eventually build out home on Is there any artwork in the room you’re in? yes! one is a jeremyville piece, one is an illustration i commissioned from fiverr and two paintings are by me haha What is your number one short-term goal? Long-term? short term, change up to a healthier diet and start exercising. long term, save a ton of money Are you dealing with anything difficult at the moment? ill be okay

[aesudan-kholin]

If Kaladin had actually given Elhokar hero lessons, how do you think those sessions would have gone?

so... i made a post recently about how i understand (i know lots of things, but not understand) literally nothing about them whatsoever. so answering this ask isnt going to keep in line with what i usually do of only saying something if im confident in it and reasonably sure it wont change later. AKA me from the future might not agree with what i think and say now. so just putting that out there.

so the thing about this is it probably never could have happened. elhokar was desperate, and in his desperation, whether this idea of kaladin teaching him was something that he had been stewing on for weeks to months, or something he thought of while drunk (i imagine it would be the former, though he probably didn't think about it in specific, accomplishable ways), he finally worked up the courage with the help of some alcohol to ask kaladin to do this completely un fleshed out plan of figuring out how to make elhokar not be a shit king. now, this was doomed to fail for a few reasons.

number one: elhokar had a very very good chance of legitimately being incapable of being a good king.

maybe he could have ended up (with some guidance) as a good leader at some smaller scale, like a small town, but even that is debatable. kaladin instinctively knows things, and while i definitely think he had a negative bias against elhokar and his King Skillz in that moment due their relationship being at a low point, his instinct saying 'yeah thats never gonna happen' was probably completely correct.

number two: kaladin probably would not agree to it.

2a. in that moment where he did ask, kaladin thought he was being weird as hell and was so fucking confused. he didn't know at all where this was coming from, because he is blind to how other people view him a lot of the time, and by extension how elhokar had been idolizing him. they probably hadn't seen much of each other ever since elhokar tried to execute him and throw him in jail. from kaladin's perspective, elhokar tried to kill him, then is coming to him like he has all the secrets to life, which is very baffling to him. unrelated sidenote i need to rewrite this stupid coppermind article on elhokar i did not write it but i want to fix some shit in here. so kaladin in that situation is like WTF????? in his head but out loud he's like 'um.. i dont know if thats possible for you' which is a rejection. i don't know if he would have said the same words if he was at a relative high point in his opinion of elhokar rather than potentially the lowest point that he got in wor that he was in that chapter (thinking about it the chapter where he was in prison might have been the lowest but this is a low point is what im saying), but thats probably an opinion he would have kept throughout the bumpy road of whatever tf their relationship is.

2b. kaladin has shit to do, man. dude was working double triple shifts in words of radiance, got into urithiru and was like the only windrunner, and was training overtime to train some windrunners to have some squires ready for the expedition to kholinar. after he got back he was made a highmarshall and we dont see too much in the ob-row timeskip but he wasnt getting much sleep either, and he probably had a lot of shit to do when he was awake, battles aside. when would he have had the time to even begin to think about lesson plans for this goal that in his head is sort of unachievable, let alone find time for actually talking to elhokar about shit.

so like even if elhokar did ask at a point where kaladin felt less like he was absolute crap and more like [??????? but more positive than the absolute crap thing], kaladin would still have been like dude what. and kaladin also would have been like dude i do not have the time. even in an elhokar lives au (because the first time kaladin would have potentially had any time whatsoever for that is post-kholinar), shallan would probably be the radiant he was interacting more due to lightweaver reasons. and elhokar has a great deal of respect for shallan as well, certainly not as much as he has for kaladin, but he does value shallan's skill and opinion, and shallan would not only be a lot more willing to give elhokar some support and advice, they would be working closer together anyway because of their shared order. he wouldn't be getting this nebulous "secret to life" stuff that he wanted to get from the guy who survived a highstorm, almost single handedly saved an army, beat shardbearers with nothing but a spear, and fell into the chasms only to crawl back out again even after a highstorm, but, and my future self might disagree on this, but he might have just been looking for advice on how to live his life.

but, all of that aside. lets say that kaladin for some reason decided that it was personally important to him to train elhokar to not be a shit leader, that he potentially thought it was not a lost cause, and if he did then he cared enough to try anyway. postponing kholinar (which he would have the power to do in this case, since elhokar would be listening to whatever he said*) might have given him more time for that after that request, or else he might have had to think about it and agree post-kholinar, which would involve an elhokar lives au, which i dont want to deal with all the implications so im going to say in this scenario he accepted after elhokar asked in wor 80, or maybe directly after urithiru was discovered (aka later that night) with a promise to start teaching him right after he got back from hearthstone. god i feel like alternate history hub. the later that night thing would have been more likely because that is after his whole 180 about elhokar. that way, the weird intense commitment to help elhokar be a better leader was baked in to all the other weird dramatic shifts about how he thought about elhokar.

what i think kaladin would do?

possibility 1: he would have elhokar start small. i think he would have elhokar teach a single person to do something. he would get a new recruit, and tell elhokar to teach him to be a soldier. maybe the new recruit is one of lopens cousins who saw elhokar blackout drunk and being pushed around by lopens mom to eat his food, so he's not intimidated by him. the new guy not being intimidated is key, because he can't just do what elhokar says because he's the king. after the day, kaladin talks to the new recruit then elhokar, seeing what went right and wrong, then tells elhokar what changes to make. if somehow everything went right with that, kaladin would next give him a group of 5 to lead in some way, and if that worked, a group of 50.

possibility 2: a job shadow. either kaladin job shadowing elhokar, watching all his fuck ups happen in real time, and constantly whispering advice which is offputting to the people elhokar is meeting with but its funny. the issue here comes with kaladin not knowing a lot of political theory. as good of a leader as kaladin is (which is insanely), elhokar is more well versed in political theory (as an example think of the time kaladin was like 'why is beating sadeas in a duel going to wreck him its literally just a duel' there would be a lot of situations in elhokar's work as a king that kaladin would probably be similarly confused on), even if he doesn't apply it well. either that, or elhokar job shadowing kaladin, watching kaladin train the windrunners, and breaking to explain some things to elhokar every once in a while, which elhokar would theoretically learn from. the issue here of course comes with how both of these guys both have sort of incredibly important jobs that they could probably only carve out a few hours at most for something like that. unless elhokar abdicated.

abdication.... no i shouldn't go into all of this this should be a separate 2000 word post. but abdication could come into play and is related to that *asterisk earlier.

i can not think of a third possibility, although there probably is one. i would think that possibility 1 would be more likely in my opinion.

some meme possibilities i came up with:

- kaladin lets elhokar borrow syl and elhokar wears a hat and syl is in the hat pulling bits of his hair like ratatouille and basically operating elhokar and she makes him be an ideal windrunner whenever she feels like he's fucking up

- kaladin presides over the document signing meetings and whenever elhokar is about to sign a document he thinks isn't good he slaps the pen out of his hand and has a disapproving glare. elhokar has to do the walk of shame across the room to get the pen everytime this happens

- training montage with "Gonna Fly Now" in the background where there is no dialogue and it just shows elhokar visibly failing and he tries to lift a rock with a piece of paper on it that says "kingly responsibility" and fails and kaladin shakes his head, then there's a training montage of idk him learning the spear or training other bridgemen or other kaladin-y things and wearing a bandana for no reason then by the end of the montage he successfully lifts the kingly responsibility rock

- they just completely switch jobs for a while while elhokar gets his shit together. all hail king kaladin

(+ my first thoughts)